Chapter Text
Seungmin has always thought his life out perfectly. So why is everything turning upside down?
It was when he was in his 6th grade when his classmates started talking about crushes and love interests. About dreams that were whispered during school breaks and giggled over. Seungmin stood to the side and smiled politely as he wondered what his classmates meant about finding someone attractive or cute.
In 8th grade, his best friend, Hyunjin, had shared how he was in a relationship but with a guy not from their school. That was his first time seeing how couples acted together. Sure, he had seen movies or the occasional kisses random couples on the streets shared, but this was the first time witnessing in person how a couple acted together.
Seungmin was their fourth wheel, the third being Jeongin, Changbin’s junior. Hyunjin fell first but Changbin fell harder. Hyunjin had met Changbin during an inter - school dance competition and Hyunjin had seen how well Changbin had danced to his favorite song - Hard Carry by GOT7.
Changbin was so popular that he had fansites and fancams for himself. And girls and boys together yelled for Changbin’s gaze on them. Hyunjin was starstruck from that moment, but then he found something. Changbin was close to foxes.
Yeah, Seungmin was also confused when Hyunjin had asked him how to be more like a fox. Turns out, Hyunjin had realised that Changbin’s childhood friend, Chaeryoung, middle school friends, Yeonjun and Wooyoung, and his favorite junior, Jeongin, all resemble foxes.
Hyunjin had started hanging out with Jeongin, trying to get intel on Changbin and also learn how to be more like a fox. But Jeongin and Seungmin couldn’t help but tease Hyunjin on how much he resembled a ferret. But Hyunjin was determined, which Seungmin couldn’t understand.
Hyunjin had several girls and boys alike ready to throw themselves on the floor for Hyunjin to use them as his own personal doormat, but Hyunjin had his eyes on someone who didn’t know he existed.
“Love just works that way, Seungmin - ah.” Hyunjin always told him whenever he asked. “You will understand when you experience it.”
And Seungmin always was irked by that answer. Why couldn’t Hyunjin just tell him? Why did he have to just keep it mysterious? He could just explain what he was feeling to Seungmin, couldn’t he?
Anyways, with their town being tiny and the two schools being so close by, Hyunjin started dragging Seungmin to Changbin’s school everyday to hangout with Changbin and Jeongin. Seungmin wasn’t sure how they got so close at first but Hyunjin had told him that Changbin had helped Hyunjin out with some difficulty he had during the competition and that was that.
So, as Seungmin fourth wheeled the cringy couple, he realized a few things. He has never felt the way the two felt for each other. Seungmin tried his best to feel some sort of infatuation for his classmates but at the end it just felt like he was forcing something that was not happening.
He had recently (aka in 10th grade) started finding fictional characters cute - which apparently people have been doing since they were children. Well, sorry if Seungmin was late to the trend! He realized how he started liking characters from TV shows, but only after a few episodes. It wasn’t a ‘crush at first sight’ like how many explained to him.
Similarly, he started liking singers because of their voice and their personalities. Of course, he was aware that most of them were putting on a show but at the end of the day, when he indulged himself in the parasocial delusions, he enjoyed it.
And so he decided he could find people in his day - to - day life that matched with what he found he liked in his fictional characters and celebrities, but once again, it just felt like he was forcing something that wasn’t there.
“It’s supposed to happen naturally.” Jeongin had said. “You can’t make a checklist of their pros and cons and decide ‘ok, I will try liking them.’ That’s not how this works.”
So Seungmin decided he will just let things happen to him. Let things flow naturally. Besides, his family never talked about having crushes or infatuations. Maybe it wasn’t a big deal like everyone made it. Hell, even his teacher had made the comment that having crushes is normal and it’s only abnormal if one hasn’t had a crush.
That had made Seungmin spiral into a whole crisis - wondering if there was something wrong with him and whether he should go get checked by the doctor.
But thankfully, he had somehow gotten over that panic and decided to let things happen naturally. Maybe he was a late bloomer, like his family.
Until one day he found out his family weren’t late bloomers.
Apparently, his mom had found people attractive and so on but due to her upbringing - aka her parents already letting her know her marriage will be arranged by them - she never indulged in her desires. His dad on the other hand had worked hard ever since he was 17 years old. With a deadbeat dad and mentally ill mom, along with 3 siblings who didn’t want to talk to him, Seungmin’s dad was too focused on surviving day - to - day to never have the time to check people out.
And his sister - that had made Seungmin question a lot. His sister apparently was insecure about the way she walked, talked, looked, etc, that during university, she was best friends with a guy, who had shown signs of interest. Hell, her uni friends had always teased her saying her best friend was her boyfriend. But Seungmin’s sister had put a mental block in her mind, deciding no one would like her and her friends were just being silly.
5 years of uni had passed and now the guy had moved on but his sister regrets every second because she knew he liked her and she herself liked him back but due to her insecurities, she never acted on her feelings and now the guy was engaged while she was alone.
Seungmin had then wondered whether he had put a mental block on himself - a block that he would never fall in love. He had his insecurities, he was self - aware, but after self - introspection, he decided he didn’t have a mental block.
Or if he did have one, it was removed.
He knew him wearing braces was a bit weird, his glasses made his eyes look tiny, and he had a weird rectangular face. And his hyperactiveness was not something everyone liked - he has heard his classmates call him annoying once or twice and yes he is insecure but after days and years of that treatment, he started owning his insecurities. So what if he had braces? It didn’t hurt anyone physically or mentally or emotionally. And as he started reflecting on his drawbacks, he decided he didn’t care at all.
Like he genuinely didn’t care what other people thought of him. He was a menace and he was proud of himself. He had friends who loved him so anyone he loves or ends up with can also ‘put up’ with him. Hell, not put up with him - actually like all his qualities.
And ever since 11th grade, Seungmin had become the number one certified hater. Changbin, Jeongin, Hyunjin, and himself had all joined the same highschool and by that time, the roles of HyuniBini couple had reversed.
The previously obsessed Hyunjin now acted more like he was annoyed by Changbin who flirted and complimented him at any time possible. Hyunjin always cackled at anything Changbin said and Jeongin and Seungmin couldn’t help but shake their heads at the couple’s stupidity.
Well, the middle-school sweethearts were still running strong.
Jeongin had also been in and out of relationships, never sticking to one saying it was his time to explore and he didn’t care for a proper relationship yet.
This got Hyunjin to try and push Seungmin into a relationship since Seungmin didn’t ever take the effort to fall in one. He didn’t care for a relationship or no one was up to his standards. He complained how people’s standards had lowered so low and others always tell Seungmin to lower his standards when he can’t.
“Changbin just got me flowers!” Well isn’t that just the standards? At least it’s better than some girls in his class who gush at their boyfriends for smiling at them after a fight they had that was most likely a result of some stupid thing the guy had done. Or boys who gushed at the fact that their girlfriends were being so cute and not responding to their messages until they bought something.
Didn’t these people realize that their relationships were toxic as hell? Or was Seungmin just such a hater that he can’t just understand why someone would want to stay in a relationship even after several issues in their relationship.
“It’s all about compromise, baby.” His mom had answered. “You won’t find the right 100% match for you. Take your dad and me for example. I like coffee, he likes tea. So I compromise and drink tea. Similarly he likes to listen to religious hymns in the morning while I like listening to pop music. So he compromises and we listen to what I want. When you love someone, these small compromises feel like nothing because at the end of the day, you are with them.”
Well, Seungmin doesn’t think he will ever like someone so much to compromise his likes. He will listen to DAY6 when he wants to, sing and yell loudly whenever he wants to, and eat and drink whatever he wants whenever he wants.
It was during college when he met Felix, who introduced him to other types of sexualities.
“Have you ever considered that you are asexual aromantic?” Now, what the fuck was that?
Felix had explained how there are people who experienced little to no sexual or romantic feelings. While Felix’s explanation best - suited Seungmin, he didn’t like calling himself that. He didn’t know why until his sister said those words.
“Why limit yourself and define yourself by a term when you can just go with the flow and let things happen on their own. Labels are there just to make people feel included and let them know they are not alone in how they are feeling. But if that same label gets you more confused instead of bringing comfort, you should ignore it.”
And that’s what Seungmin did for the past few years. He didn’t let his friends’ pushy ‘you should try kissing him’ or ‘you should try dating her’ get to him. Rather he went with the flow. He went clubbing - wasn't his scene. Tried chatting with strangers via dating apps - all felt boring. Even went on a few dates (or few first - dates because there never was a second) - everyone felt like friends, there was a slight ‘i can hang out again’ once but he was then ghosted and he didn’t care.
Everything was just a dead end. And with talks about love, relationships, and marriage, Seungmin just strayed away from those feelings. Rather he started feeling like none of this was needed. Hearing Hyunjin and Changbin gush about each other, Jeongin’s flings, and Felix’s on and off relationships made Seungmin even more averse to relationships.
They could tell him something with a happy tone but Seungmin would not find it as fascinatingly enjoyable as they did. It just fell flat. Like that was what brought them joy in their relationship when it should be the basic standard? It just made Seungmin disappointed that that was all there was to relationships and none of their stories met his standards for a relationship.
“Well maybe you should try to be in one before shitting on others’ lives.” Seungmin would if he found someone worthy of dating, but noone was up to his standards. And no, he was not gonna lower his standards. And so he had decided he was happy being single, with his friends and family on his side.