Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Would it be enough if I can never give you peace?"

The train was rushing through the fields as if there couldn’t exist something faster than it, but at the same time it felt like I was trapped inside it, in a stop motion loop that would never allow me to arrive home. It felt surreal, the thought of finally coming back to them, but at the same time it felt like it wasn’t the right thing to be doing. Yes, I was finally returning to my family, to a new house, to a life that would allow me to give Prim something to eat every single time, and nothing to worry about for the rest of her life, but then again the expense of it seemed like way too much to pay. 

Twenty two more people had to die so I could live, well, so me and Peeta could live. It felt unfair, what did I have that they didn’t? What was I doing in there that they were not? Before I went in I knew the odds of me actually winning the games were low, but then again, here I was, staring out the window, alive, though it didn’t really feel like it. 

I had spent so many sleepless nights since coming out of the arena, that nothing really felt real anymore, nothing seemed as if I was the one actually living, I felt limb, out of my mind, as if I was staring through someone else’s eyes. It didn’t make sense at all. I kept replaying their deaths in my head, the last breath that I took from each of the tributes that went in. I saw flashes of them in other people, flashes of what they could’ve been, of what I took from them by killing them, and it felt awful, unfair, wicked even.  

I grasp the teacup in my hands as I feel someone else arrive in the wagon I’m in. I hear the door and something in me tells me to run, to attack, to be aware that I’m in danger. I guess I have the arena to thank for that, for the unresting feeling that I will never be able to feel safe again. Then I see him. Peeta is coming through the door with a small shy smile glimpsing through his lips.

I stare at him, wondering if he feels the same as I do. The terror, the guilt, the burden of the kids who are dead that weighs with each and every breath that I take. Not that I will ask him of course, I wouldn’t dare to put those words out in the wild, to give away how weak and small I feel, to be vulnerable. 

  Then again, what am I supposed to be around him? What am I supposed to feel? I can’t quite figure out what I feel for him. After the nights together in the arena I didn’t know where my own emotions stood. The word love as everyone around us was putting it scared me, and it didn’t feel appropriate for what we had, but I couldn’t say I was indifferent, I cared about him, deeply, there was no one in the world that could understand the things that happened in that arena as much as him, in that topic we did only have each other. 

“Hey” his voice rang through my ears and snapped me out of my spiral of thoughts.

 I smiled slightly, unconsciously even. Why was I smiling? Why couldn’t I help it? It felt natural to be with him, to enjoy his presence, to just sit besides him and be quiet. It didn’t feel hard nor exhausting, it felt peaceful, and peace was something that I desperately needed.  I watched him as he walked towards me. 

“Hey” I said back, softening the grip on the teacup. Letting my constant survival instincts rest. 

I saw him sit down next to me, with a fair distance between us. I internally thanked him for that, because even then he was making sure he wouldn’t make me uncomfortable with his presence. I stared at him, wondering what he was doing here, wondering why he had come to me. 

“I, uhm, Katniss, I think we should talk” his voice was shaky, he sounded nervous, as if he wasn’t sure about what he was doing. 

I stared at him, a little confused. What did we have to talk about? Hadn’t I made enough for him already? I then nodded waiting for him to say something, wondering what he seemed so urgent to get out of his system. 

 “I, uhm, I don’t want to hold you accountable to the things we said in the games. I know I said I loved you but…” He seemed like he didn’t know what to say anymore.

I stared at him, unsure of what to say. I wanted to forget and let go of everything about the games, the blood, the murder, the mutts, the disaster, every single memory that came from them, but for some reason, if there was something I wanted to keep around, it was Peeta. Sweet and peaceful Peeta. 

“Hey, Peeta, it’s okay” I said, really low. I was struggling to make my voice come out. “I, I can’t really say I love you, and I definitely would prefer to forget everything that happened in that arena, but I do want to keep you around, I enjoy being around you” I sigh trying to find the correct words for what I need to say to him. 

“Katniss, you don’t have to say that, we don’t have to pretend here, not when there are no cameras around us to keep us on our toes” he talked rapidly, as if he was nervous I would do something to him, as if my answer could be bad enough to make him feel awful.

I shook my head, staring at him still. 

“I really mean it” I couldn’t face him while talking, so I just turned my head to the window, feeling a slight rush appear in my cheeks. “I really do enjoy being around you, and while I can’t call it love, I think we can try it? to get to know each other, we’re stuck in this life anyway” I said, wrinkling my nose slightly. 

I heard nothing from him for a few seconds, and that made me have to look at him again, to make sure I did say the things I wanted to say, in the volume I wanted to say it. 

“I like that, I can live with that”  I heard him say, smiling slightly, as if he was trying to contain a bigger smile from appearing on his lips. 

We rode the rest of the way next to each other, mostly in silence, except a few questions that popped here and there from Peeta, who was curious about the basic things about me. I found it odd, funny even, the only other people I could call friends were Madge and Gale, but one of them was a bond based on how much we needed each other to survive, so this things barely popped in our conversations, whilst Madge’s was based on me sharing a few classes with her, and selling her strawberries that came straight from the woods. However, what I had with Peeta couldn’t be called a traditional friendship, no when there was the slight insinuation of working together to become something more, something real. 

It wasn’t much till we were back at twelve. Haymitch was the one who had to tell us to come outside. It felt terrifying, the thought of stepping out of that train when none of the kids who were with me in the arena could, when no one except us would be able to see their families again, to call something home, to even talk at all. At least I was glad it wasn’t a coffin returning next to me, but a very alive Peeta. 

“Boy, sweetheart, it’s showtime. Tons of cameras are waiting for you outside” 

I looked at Peeta and took a deep breath, as if that could somehow help me to get through it, to survive being the sudden celebrity that I, that we, had become. I didn’t want to get out and face what it meant to be back, but then again if I didn’t, all of the suffering we took in that arena, all the lives that were lost, would be a worthless sacrifice. So I got up and walked behind Haymitch, who seemed to be in an awfully good mood  for some reason I didn’t entirely get. 

“It’s a big, big, big day for you two today” Haymitch talked again, trying to imitate Effie's voice, which cracked a chuckle from me. She definitely had become a constant personality in our lives, an oblivious one, but we really cared for her nonetheless. 

We all stepped out of the train and faced the crowd. It was way bigger than I expected it to be. Where were all these people when I was almost dying and starving before their eyes? Probably too busy thinking about their own misery. I couldn’t say much, being from the Seam, we wouldn't have accepted that much help anyway, it was never a good idea to owe something to someone, anyone. The feeling creeped up on me, because here I was, kind of owing my life to President Snow. 

There were cameras of course, and the Mayor and Madge were also there to welcome us back into the district. The flashes were a bit much for me to take, but I didn’t complain, I just took Peeta’s hand for support and smiled, as if that could solve all the things that we were facing in that moment, all the overwhelming stuff that came with being  a victor from the Hunger Games. 

“Katniss, Peeta, it’s good to have you back” Mayor Undersee said, shaking Peeta’s hand, gaining a small smile from him. 

“Well, it’s definitely something to be back” he said, nodding his head. 

They continued in a small talk that I disconnected myself from, I didn’t care to be a part of it, I just wanted to go home and disappear from the public, to rot on my own bed so the guilt about being alive could go away, so I didn’t have to feel the weight of twenty two lost lives on my shoulders. 

I looked for my family in the crowd, the blond hair among tons of brown and black heads couldn’t be confused, even if they wanted to. I wanted to run to them, but I knew the protocol wasn’t like that, so I just waited for whatever conversation Peeta was having with the Mayor to end, so the act could finish and I could go to them.

On the other hand, there was no sign of Gale, then it hit me, of course he wouldn't be able to be here to welcome me back. Now he was out of reaping age, which meant that he was into workers' age. He was probably in the mines, cracking his back up so Hazelle and his siblings would keep having at least something on their plates, while I just had everything on me for the rest of my life, more money than I would ever be able to spend. Guilt filled me again, how was I going to be able to face him? to face them?

The conversation between Peeta and the mayor was taking longer than I expected to, and I was growing impatient very fast. I needed to just feel Prim’s warmth around me, to reassure me that it was all worth it, that everything I did was to come back to her, to keep her safe from the horrors that the world had prepared. 

Before I could actually start complaining about it, the talking stopped and a light squeeze in my hand told me it was time to step off the stage, something I definitely wouldn’t second guess. For a second I stared at Peeta, waiting for him to be ready to run to his family as much as I wanted to go back to mine. I scanned the crowd, so I could find them and encourage him to return to them. I was sure his father would want him to come back as soon as possible. It always seemed to me that the baker cared deeply for his son. Then I understood why he was still waiting for me to go, his family wasn’t there, they hadn’t come to the station to welcome him back. 

I was dumbfounded when I realized he was totally alone, but after all the things we had to go through during our visit to the Capitol, I wouldn’t let Peeta face loneliness, so I did what I thought best. I invited him to come to my own family, because it was the best solución, and because deep down I knew, there was no one more comforting in twelve than Prim. 

“Come on let’s head back to mine”

 I didn’t really give him a chance to say no, I just pulled his hand and started walking towards my mother and sister. I knew his mom wasn’t the kindest or warmest in town, and that it reflected on both his brother too, what I didn’t expect was for his own father to simply not show up for him, that was straight up mean, though I couldn’t expect much from town people, they were often detached from their families, everything about their lives was an economic proposition. 

“You don’t have to do that, I’ll be okay…”

”Oh but I do, I won’t let you alone in this, it’s not fair nor pretty to just not have anyone” We reached my family before he could talk again. 

The people around us had started to disappear, finally losing interest in us coming back, which I was really grateful for. I didn't want attention, and certainly didn’t want them focusing on the fact that Peeta’s family wasn’t there. Gossip ran around as fast as light, and that was the last thing Peeta and I needed after coming back.

”Katniss!” Hearing her say my name again was more than I could take, because I almost crumbled to the ground for it. 

I hugged her as tight as I could, trying my best not to cry in the middle of the Square. For a moment, all my fears disappeared, and nothing else besides having her in my arms mattered, suddenly being back was worth it.

”I told you you could do it!” She spoke again, and I chuckled a bit, for there was probably no one in all Panem as optimistic as Prim. 

“Peeta, it’s good to see you as well”

My mother talked to him. I saw him through the edge of my eye, his own eyes were teary and a small smile was on his lips, though I couldn't quite figure why.  He seemed prepared to answer to her, as if courtesy was almost impossible for him not to have, but my mother acted first, doing something that seemed surprising, even to Prim. 

She was hugging him. 

“Thank you, for taking care of her. You were very brave with those boys and girls from one and two” She said. I could hear that she was genuine about it, that she really was relieved that I was back, that we were back. 

Peeta smiled, and returned the hug, still a bit surprised from her sudden action. 

“It was nothing really, she did more for me than I'll ever be able to thank her and repay her for” he said. His voice sounded as if he was being truthful to it, as if he really did think it was something he needed to pay.

I let go of Prim for a second, and stared at him, ready to contradict him. Yes I did take care of him and made sure he made it out alive, made sure he was able to come back home, but I wouldn’t have been able to do that if not for him, if not for his strategy of making me look desirable during his interviews, and certainly, as my mother pointed out, not without him partnering with the careers. 

“It was teamwork” I tell him, wrinkling my nose slightly. “I wouldn’t have been able to save you if you hadn’t built all that anticipation before entering the arena.”

He seemed ready to protest my words and make me look like our savior, but Prim was faster, and talked before he could complain. 

“Why don’t you come have lunch with us?” she said, smiling shyly at him. “You know, so we can know you more. We didn’t know you guys had something going on before the games”

It was hard saying no to her, especially when she gave those big blue eyes the enchantment of innocence. I was a bit stunned by her words, of course they would suppose that we were dating, they had been as much of an audience as everyone else and I hadn’t done anything to contradict the things they’d seen on television. I didn’t know what to say, neither did I want to say something that could expose us in the middle of the train station.

“Let’s talk more about it at home, yes?” I say before he can answer, hoping his mind has traveled into the same thought spiral as mine. 

My mother interrupts him before he can agree or disagree with mine and Prim’s statements. 

“I think Peeta would prefer to go back to his family, to show them he’s alright. So maybe dinner it’s a better idea.” she smiled at Peeta, nodding while the words came out. “I’m sure Otho is waiting for you”

She was right. Even though Peeta’s family wasn’t there, they were still his family, and he  was probably  longing to go to them, at least to his father. It stunned me a  bit, to know that she knew his name, like it was a familiar to her, but then again, it wasn’t much of a surprise after knowing he spent a lot of time in love with her, but in the ends my mother chose my father, who charmed her enough to abandon the town and live in the seam. 

Peeta smiled, grateful for her words and nodded. I really hoped that he was waiting for him, that they made him feel happy because of his returning, even if they didn’t come to the train station, Peeta was still their son and brother, they had to care about him, they at least had to have a bit of love in their hearts. I really hoped I was right, I didn’t want to imagine them mistreating him after all the suffering he had gone through. 

“Dinner sounds amazing, I’ll bring something for dessert.” said Peeta, smiling gently at both my mother and Prim. “See you guys soon” 

I saw him disappear through the streets of twelve, wondering if the welcoming he would receive at his house would be as warm as mine, as full of care as my mother and sister had treated him upon seeing him. 

“He is really handsome, Katniss, I didn’t know he was your type.” Prim’s voice rang through my ears, and her words caused me to blush. 

I didn’t know it either, I hadn’t actually thought about it, and it wasn’t like I had thought about having a type, or someone to like before either. I didn’t even know if I liked Peeta. I certainly liked being around him, and found comfort on the thought of sharing the experiences of the Capitol and the games. At the end of the day we had become a solid team, in which he was in love with me, and maybe I wasn’t opposed to the idea of being in love with him either. 

“Let’s talk about it at home, please” I urged them, sighing at the thought of someone else hearing about it. If there was something I hated, it was strangers knowing personal stuff about me. 

The feeling seemed silly at the time, knowing that the capitol and the districts were dissecting my life apart for their entertainment, so they could make my life a show but then, I would do my best to preserve anything I could from them, to keep as much secrets as I could, to make my life be just mine, and my families, and who knows? maybe even Peeta and Haymitch. 

We walked swiftly to the Seam, or at least that's where my mind first took me, to the place I could call home and had been calling home all my life. Then it hit me, especially when I noticed the bag on my mother’s shoulder. The seam’s not our home anymore, it would never be. I was a victor, and as such, I got to live in the victor’s village, along with my mother, father and sister. 

“Isn’t it so exciting? To be living in the victor’s village!” I heard Prim’s voice squeak at my left. 

Of course she would be excited, she hadn’t killed anyone to be there, she didn’t have to wonder what she did to deserve being alive while others weren’t, she wouldn’t ever question if she did the right thing by doing what she had to do in that arena, and she most certainly wouldn’t see the face of every one of those tributes in her sleep. 

“Yeah, it is”

Chapter Text

"you're not my homeland anymore, so what am I defending now?"

I walked alone towards the bakery, holding my breath as the streets showed me the way through the town, something I thought I’d never see again. There’s an awful feeling of emptiness washing through me, maybe fueled by the realization that they hadn’t come to see me, that after all, they didn’t really care about me. 

I expected it from my mother, to not come see me when I made it back, I hadn’t expect that none of them would come, but it wasn’t that weird if I thought about it enough, being manipulated by her was definitely something that had happened to me way too many times to know that she could’ve been the one to convinced not to go. Still, that didn’t take the pain away. 

It wasn’t fair, I had spent most of the time since coming out of the arena just thinking about them, reassuring me that all the blood, all the chaos, the alliances, the planned murder, that all of it was to come back, that it wasn’t all my fault, but maybe I wasn’t wanted back. That was the most horrifying part of it, that in the end, they didn’t care that I lost part of myself just to survive, just to catch a glimpse of their presence. 

I stopped as I arrived in front of the bakery, unsure of what to do, unsure if stepping inside of it was the best idea. After all, they really preferred to be absent on my day back, but Mrs Everdeen's words rang through my ears, I’m sure Otho is waiting for you. The familiarity that my father’s name had on Mrs Everdeen didn’t go unnoticed but it wasn’t that much of  a surprise either, after all, she lived in town for a long time, and my father had spent most of his youth deeply in love with her. 

I stared at the glass door, wondering what I would find when I went inside, what should I expect from them, or worse, what shouldn’t I expect. The white writing of our last name on the door prevented me from peeking inside from my position, so my only option was to walk inside. The bell on the door warns everyone inside of my presence, though I’m not quite sure they recognize me at first. I most certainly wouldn’t, I had gone through a lot of enhancement processes, it wasn’t that I was unrecognizable, but I certainly wasn’t quite myself, plus, I was literally missing a leg. 

“Welcome, what can we do for you tod…” my fathers’ voice ran through my ears, piercing my heart a bit. They were safe at least. 

“Hey” I said back, not knowing what to say or do. 

I felt weird, as an intruder in my own house, though I suppose it wasn’t really my house anymore, not really, I was probably bound to live alone in the victors village, surrounded by nothing more than myself. What a life, considering the excitement Effie had put on us as if there was no better destiny than ours. 

“Peeta!” He almost ran to me. He walked around the counter as fast as he could, and embraced me harder than I thought he was capable of. 

For a moment, the fact that I had to face the district alone didn’t matter, for a moment just being in his arms was worth it, the blood, the pain, the betrayal, all of that made sense. I hugged him back, tightening the grip of my arms around him as much as I could, as if he was going to escape from my arms and disintegrate at any moment. 

“Hey dad” I answered him, separating from him a bit. I wanted to see him, to make sure he was alright. “I kind of expected you at the train station, you know, since I dodged death and stuff” It came out a bit more bitter than I had anticipated. 

It turned him back a little, it may have shocked me a bit as well. I wouldn’t have done or said something like it before. The one thing I didn’t want them, the capitol, to have on me was them changing me, and there I was, holding  a grudge against my father before he could even begin to explain what had happened, or explain why he wasn't there.  

“I’m sorry, your mother had some headache and I couldn’t leave the shop unattended" he explained. He looked sad, maybe as sad as I felt. “You know, since you were gone your brothers have been working more to cover and we have had a hard time managing around”

I laughed, not because it seemed funny, but because it seemed like the most awful excuse he could’ve told me. I knew my mother wouldn’t want to be seen around Katniss or her family, she really had a big superiority complex from being part of the town while they lived on the seam, besides the obvious fact that she knew about my father’s long gone feelings for Mrs Everdeen, but I didn’t think that would make her totally dismiss my returning. Guess I underestimated her. 

“You don’t have to lie to him” my mother’s voice rang through my ears, and I almost jumped back from her sudden presence. “I didn’t want to see you besides that seam trash girl, they caused enough trouble, she and her father, you don’t need to be seen around her, neither do we”

I got mad, really mad, because it made no sense. She had saved my life, had made sure I came back home with her even at her own risk, and even then my mother couldn’t let go of stupid prejudices that flooded her mind only because of jealousy, because of emotions my father had that weren’t even there anymore. I couldn’t expect anything different though, she had always treated her badly when she came through the back door to sell meat, but now that I knew Katniss would most definitely become a part of my life it hit me differently, as if I wasn’t supposed to let her talk about Katniss like that.

“She saved my life! how can you talk like that?” Maybe my voice was a little louder than needed but I didn’t care. “If it weren’t for her I’d be as good as dead right now, mom.” 

She stared at me, deciding if her words were hurting enough to say, if the stuff that was about to come out of her mouth was actually worth saying, if she would finally hurt me enough, beyond repair. Our relationship had always been rocky, she wished for a girl and had me, and ever since then she resented me, though I couldn't figure why it was my fault. 

“Maybe you’d be better off dead.” 

I stood there, frozen by her cruelty, by the way she had treated me, and by the way there was no regret in her eyes as she let those words slip out her mouth. I turned to my father who was as shocked as I was and sighed. I wasn’t wanted nor needed in the bakery anymore. I would have to face loneliness on my own even when my family was alive and well, even when they said they loved me. 

“Good to know.” I said, rushing through the bakery to get to the door. I felt sick to my stomach, like puking even. I really couldn’t believe she was actually saying those words out loud.

“Peeta…” My father tried calling me, but I was almost out of the bakery by then. 

I stopped for a second and looked at him, sighing. 

“You’re always welcome to come visit me, dad, and I can do weekly dinners here if you want.” 

I didn’t give him a chance to answer, I was already exhausted from the interaction, and that was horrible. All I could think of while being in that arena was coming back to them, but now it seemed like I had nothing to come back to, no one that actually cared if I was dead or alive, no one to run to to escape from the nightmares of the capitol. I went upstairs and entered my room, then grabbed a pack to take what seemed the most relevant at the moment, the things I would definitely need in the new house the capitol was giving me. Then I went through the kitchen, grabbing a few things to make dessert I had promised the girls. I was as fast as I could, I didn’t have the energy to talk to my family more than I had already. 

I also didn’t have the energy to pack the rest of my things and take them to my new house, I just walked through town with the pack, hoping people wouldn’t mind me nor pay attention to me. I wanted to disappear into the shadows, to make people believe I didn’t even exist, but with everything that had happened in the past few weeks, that seemed like an impossible and unachievable task.

I was entering the victor’s village when I saw him. Katniss’s father was walking from their own home to Haymitch’s porch. Why would he? Yes, Haymitch had brought his daughter home, but it didn’t seem like it was a good enough reason to bang on his door as if he was going to destroy it while attempting it. 

I listened to his voice, but I couldn’t figure words from the sound of it. It just sounded like nonsense from this far. Katniss’ father was well-known in the district, at least in the Seam, the Hob, and well, by my father. He was a hunter, the one who taught Katniss to be deadly with the bow and arrow, at least he was before the mine explosion that left him unable to do anything useful for the rest of his life. They did retreat him when the mine exploded, in fact he was the only one who made it out alive, but not without paying the price. 

He was badly injured, to tell the truth, if not for Mrs Everdeen abilities and knowledge in healing he would be as dead as every other miner in that accident. He had a big splintered wood beam fall on his legs, over his thigh in one and just above his foot in the other one. The chunk of wood on his thigh had punctured his artery, and it had crushed beyond salvation the bones on his ankle in his other leg. 

After every effort she could make to keep him alive the only thing she could do was to sedate him enough to amputate his left leg, just above his knee, and his right foot, it was either that or blood poisoning, and she preferred to keep her husband alive. People say he wasn’t the same after that. He of course couldn’t go back to the mines, he was depressed for  a very long time, and no one saw much of him for the next few years after the incident. 

Katniss had to face that reality and sustain the family along with her mother, who took every person she could as a patient, which of course, took some time to get used to. At first it was hard, Prim was merely an infant so Mrs Everdeen couldn’t take that much people in, because it would put Prim and her husband’s health at risk, and Katniss didn’t know how to hunt that well and they almost starved, it wasn’t like she could know much either way, being only nine years old. During that time I threw her the burnt bread, and most of the time I regret not having handed her the loaf in her own hands.  

Then she started going to the woods, and came back with meat she could sell. It wasn’t much, but it was enough for them to survive. His father had made himself with prosthetics from a friend of theirs who also worked with jewelry. He still didn’t do much after re-learning how to walk, but at least he was functioning and not that depressed again. I had seen him very few times before today, sometimes he appeared in my house’s back door to sell some of the game Katniss had managed to hunt, but he never stayed much, and his presence around the district was more like a glimpse for those who paid enough attention. Of course being Katniss’ father he never  went unnoticed by me, for every thing I could get from her was like a treasure. 

Before I could notice, I was close enough to the house to understand what he was saying. 

“Damn you Abernathy, open the door!” he was still banging on it, as if that would make Haymitch react faster. It probably wouldn’t, he was more than likely passed out from drinking white liquor. “We’re neighbors now there’s no point on ignoring me”

I stared at him for a few seconds, wondering what to do. I hadn’t talked to him ever in my life, and doing it now had a different implication about it, after all, I did kiss his daughter multiple times on national tv, for the whole country to see. A kiss wasn’t that big of a deal if you thought about it, but before the games, he had never seen me and Katniss interact with each other, so approaching him felt intimidating, but I did. 

“Mr Everdeen?” I said. 

I was still far from him, but the distance was small enough for him to hear me talk. He turned to me analyzing my face for a few seconds before entirely recognizing me. I didn’t know what I was hoping to do with talking to him, maybe prevent him from wasting his energies on trying to get Haymitch out of the house when he was probably passed out from alcohol. 

“You’re Otho’s youngest right? Peeta.” he said while still looking at me. I didn’t know what he was looking for as his sharp gaze tore me apart, as if that would give him the exact formula to who I was. “Welcome back”

Then I remembered I had a prosthetic of my own, that I probably was a reflection of his biggest nightmare, of his heaviest hardship. That stung me a little, because even when I tried my hardest, the haunting thought of my death as a better destiny than coming back to district twelve kept coming back to the front of my mind. 

“Yes sir, Peeta, and thank you” I said sincerely. I had no intentions of making him mad, especially when I still owed dinner to his girls at their house. 

He stared at me a bit more, casually analyzing every single detail he could. 

“That’s a cool prosthetic you got there” He said, pointing out the robotic thing that was attached to my left leg. 

I chuckled a bit, unsure of what to do, nervous for the conversation I had started. 

“Not quite the same as having the real one, though” I told him, hoping he would take the joke well. I was still coping with the fact that I no longer had a leg of my own, and he was in a very similar situation as mine in that aspect.

Fortunately he laughed, and I was relieved. 

“Tell me about it.” he said, smiling slightly at me. “Primrose said you were to have dinner at our new place, to get to know you.” 

I nodded, smiling slightly at the thought. At least I wouldn’t have to face loneliness with my first meal back home. 

“Yeah, she invited me back at the train station when she saw me alone.” 

“Oh? your folks didn’t come to welcome you back?” he asked, frowning a bit at my words. 

“My mother had a headache” I told him.

 I’m more than sure he knows it is a lie, a very bad lie, because who in their right mind doesn’t go to welcome back his kid after thinking they would die just because of a headache. I then talk again, urging myself to change the topic, to stop talking about my family before the small nod forming on my throat transforms into tears. It surprised me that even then, I was internally trying to defend their fault.

“Haymitch was very drunk when we stepped off the train, he probably passed out fr…” I start to talk, and then the door opens, leaving me with a wrong statement cut in half.

Haymitch was standing before both of us, though closer to Mr Everdeen than me as he was still on the porch of his house. He looked awful which surprised me as I had seen him just a few hours ago, when we stepped off the train for the welcoming ceremony, it seems like it didn’t take him long to get back on his drinking habits, that I’m sure his liver doesn’t thank. 

“Why are you two making so much noise? People sleep, you know?” He said, clearly cranky as he had been woken up from his nap. 

I stared at him, wondering what could’ve been so hard in his games that he drank as much as he did, that he couldn’t live a normal life ever since coming out. Was that what waited for me and Katniss? It was a very different situation, but the thought of ending up with so much pain and guilt built up inside me to the point of no longer being sober to live my life, terrified me. 

“You are coming to dine at our house” said Mr Everdeen, staring at him. “It’s not an option to say no, and I don’t want excuses.” 

Haymitch sighed, shaking his head at his words. 

“You are one to be stubborn, Burdock” he said, rolling his eyes. “But well enough, there’s no point in me trying to keep you away if you live next door now. I’ll be there” and with that he slammed the door in his face while going back in.

Burdock. I hadn’t noticed that until that very moment the name of Katniss’ father was a total mystery for me, and then it came to my mind that the name of Mrs Everdeen was as much of a mystery. I watched Mr Everdeen sigh and then look back at me with a small smile, to reassure me that everything was alright.

“He was my best friend, before his games” he said, as he started limping towards me, slowly. “He was supposed to be uncle Hay to my girls, but when he came back he just” he sighed and shook his head finally reaching my side. “He wasn’t the same, after his family and Lenore Dove died, he made sure me and Asterid stayed away from him. He threw a rock at her forehead and we didn’t insist after that, though I often feel we should’ve” 

I listened to him carefully, curious about the past they shared together, a past that before today, I had no idea existed. 

“Lenore Dove?” I asked, looking at him. I had never heard that name in my life. It sounded similar to the guy that played the fiddle, Clerk Carmine, I think.

Mr Everdeen shook his head, and pointed at his house. 

“It’s not for me to tell. Now let’s go, my girls must be waiting for dinner” he said, smiling slightly.

“I was supposed to make dessert” I said shyly. 

He shook his head and patted my shoulder, guiding me with a small chuckle. 

“I can’t see why you can’t do it in our house”

I nodded, still a little nervous about his sudden confidence in me. I still didn’t have any of the ingredients I would need to make the cake I was planning on. It was odd, having him be so nice and welcoming to me even more than my own mother, but then again I could see why from the thing Mrs Everdeen had said earlier on the train station, they believed I played a key part to have Katniss back. Reality was, winning the games was more on her than me, but after feeling so abandoned by my own family, the warmth the Everdeens were giving me was all I needed, I wouldn’t reject it at all. 

“Yeah sure, but I still have to leave this pack in the house and grab the ingredients to make it”

He nodded, studying me for a second. It made me a little anxious to see him doing that, as if he was trying to find something out of line, maybe something he could hate me for, or at least that was the way his gaze made me feel, like I was some animal he was watching carefully to decide if it was dangerous or not. 

“I’ll go with you, you shouldn’t have to face the house alone”

His words surprised me more than I could comprehend. How did he know? Why did he seem so understanding of feelings even I couldn’t quite decodify. I wondered if it had to do with his friendship with Haymitch, and the way he had just told him that he couldn’t push them away anymore. 

I nodded, and then started walking towards the house quite scared of what I was supposed to find in it. The house was next to Haymitch’s, across from Katniss’s. He didn’t like what owning the house meant, but because of the circumstances he was glad he had it, being in town with his new victor condition wasn’t something he was looking forward to. 

I climbed the stairs and opened the door, staying still in the entrance for a few minutes. It felt like I was intruding in someone’s home, as if a capitolite would come at any second and tell me to get out of it. It was decorated in a very maximalistic style, though not quite as opulent as some houses and mansions I had seen during my stay in the capitol, though I doubted the government would ever give something as luxurious to the districts, let alone district twelve.  

“Want me to go first?” 

I nodded, because I couldn’t take the first step into the house. He went in, and then looked at me, waiting for the moment I would enter the house as well. I did it, and then let my mind wonder if this is how it was going to feel for the rest of my life, like I was some imposter who wasn’t supposed to be alive, someone who didn’t deserve any of the stuff that he had gotten, I brushed the thought away and walked to the living room. I was going to unpack and pack as fast as I could, I would have a lot of time to punish myself after the dinner and dessert. 

“Thank you, Mr Everdeen” I said sincerely, smiling slightly at him. 

He patted my shoulder and gave me a warm small as well.

“Nothing to thank me about, though don’t call me Mr Everdeen, Burdock is fine.”

Chapter Text

"and somethings you just can't speak about"

I heard the door open when I was letting myself fall back on the couch. I felt like doing nothing, like rotting on my couch and not having to stand up for a long time, but I hadn’t seen my dad, not yet since coming back. According to my mother he had gone to the woods to check on the traps he and Gale had been working on while I was away. 

They didn’t know if I was coming back and needed to have something to eat. It made me happy to know that he had returned to the woods after such a long time. Him having such basic prosthetics made it hard for him to walk around on his own, though his cane helped him to get around, he still wasn’t as smooth with his walking. 

“Niss? Prim? Ast? Are y’all home yet?” His voice rang through my ears and I almost jumped towards the door. 

I had missed him the most during my time in the capitol. I loved my mother, and I would give my life for my sister, but there was a comfort in the presence of my father that couldn’t compare with any love I had felt in my life. His arms made me feel safe, as if nothing in the world could ever damage me. Now that I was back, I was scared that my mental state would be the one thing my father couldn’t protect me from. 

True, I had grown a bit of resentment towards him when he left me and mom to sustain us four, but when I started going to hunt on my own I understood why he was depressed, why being in such a physical state put him in such despair. 

“Dad!” I would’ve jumped to him if I wasn’t aware that he wouldn't be able to catch me, so instead I just hugged him as much as I could. 

I felt his arms embrace me as I closed my eyes. I inhaled his scent and could feel a pair of tears rolling down my cheeks. I never thought I would be able to feel him again, and maybe this was wrecking me as much as seeing Prim for the first time did. 

“Hey songbird” he murmured against my hair. I could feel the humidity of his own tears on it. “I’m glad to have you back”

He was really tall, maybe even taller than Haymitch, or well, he was tall to me. I wasn’t really tall, but that never mattered to me much, and it also helped me to be more discreet while hunting, so I could hide in smaller places from my prey.

“I’m glad to be back as well” I said to him in the lowest voice I could. 

I didn’t want to let go, and I didn’t want to speak. Being back in twelve made the guilt of staying alive ten times worse than it had been on the capitol. I had killed people to be back, and I would never forget that. 

Prim made her appearance, laughing a bit at the sight of me and my father. 

“More like a mockingjay now” she said.

“Well mockingjays are still songbirds, sweet pea” My dad said back, laughing a bit. 

He broke our hug to caress my cheeks and clean my tears away. I smiled, because I hadn’t noticed how much I needed to feel small again after all the things the capitol had put us through. 

“There, there, don’t make Katniss cry in front of her boyfriend!” My mother walked the hallway with a pot on her hands, making her way to the dinner room.

The words that came out of my mother’s mouth stumped me a bit. Boyfriend? What could she mean? Why would she say that? Then I stood on my tiptoes to look over my father’s shoulder and understood what she meant by boyfriend. Peeta was there, standing behind my father with his face blushed, probably because of my mothers words. 

“Hey” he said softly, embarrassed by the sudden attention he was receiving. 

I smiled slightly at him, standing correctly on the floor, looking in my father’s eyes to question him about Peeta’s early presence. 

“Was over at Haymitch’s and he found me, thought I’d brought him over, since Prim invited him to dine today” he said, giving me a small peck on the cheek while trying to walk behind my mother. 

I frowned a little at his words, and talked to him before he could go. 

“At Haymitch’s? Why were you there?” I asked, genuinely curious about it. 

My father sighed, as if he was trying to evade this exact scenario. 

“Well, I have to thank someone for bringing my songbird home, don’t I?” he said smiling, but I could see through him, there was something he wasn’t telling me. “And I also want him to tell me all about the little romance you’ve got going on with bread boy” he said and disappeared behind my mother. 

I hoped he didn’t think that would save him from the amount of questions I would demand an answer for after dinner. 

“Can I borrow your kitchen?” Peeta asked, which redirected my attention to him.

“The kitchen?” I questioned him back, confused as to why he would need it. 

“Your father brought me over before I could make dessert.”

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪

Dinner began as soon as Haymitch arrived at my house. It was quiet at first, as everyone was quite unsure of what to say. I was not the best with words and my plan had been only to manage the presence of Peeta, not Haymitch, I had no idea what my dad was thinking when he invited him over. Besides, my idea was to tell my family what was going on between me and Peeta, and having Haymitch there made it awkward. 

“So, uhm, did your forehead scar okay?” said Haymitch, looking at my mother and then back at his food. 

My mother laughed. I could tell she was still a bit mad at him, for some reason that didn’t make sense to me. I didn’t know they knew each other, but then again, they were similar in age, and district twelve was only so big. It seemed like there were a lot of things about my parents that I had never bothered to ask. 

“That was twenty four years ago, Haymitch.” my mother answered not even bothering to look at him, glaring slightly at my father instead.

My father coughed nervously and looked at Peeta, trying to figure out something to say to him.

“So Peeta…”

“This should be interesting” Haymitch interrupted my father almost immediately after listening to Peeta’s name. 

It was typical of him, to be sarcastic or ironic, or to  make jokes at inappropriate timings. Though I wasn’t sure if this could be considered bad timing, considering no one was even talking around the table. Still I didn’t want to talk about it with him there. Yes I’d grown rather fond of the old man, but my status with Peeta was something that I wanted to describe to my family prior to telling my mentor. 

“Shut up, Haymitch!” we both said at the same time, with a slight blush decorating our cheeks. 

Prim laughed at the coincidence of me and Peeta silencing our mentor at the same time, and laughed even harder when Haymitch put his hand in the air as if he was surrendering to someone. He really was some interesting personality to have around, especially when he was half sober as he was now. 

“There’s no need to get aggressive, let’s hear what sweet Burdie wanted to say” he talked again, focusing the attention on my father, who had grown quiet at the interaction between us. 

“I was going to ask about his prosthetic, it seems really advanced.” he said, a little ashamed of himself, turning to my mother for help, who shook her head. 

Little did my father know, that that was all he needed to fix the awkward silence that had grown on the table, because if there was somethin Peeta was especially good at, was to charm people with his words, and that night he proved that my family wouldn’t be an exception to it. 

“Oh, well the Capitol gave it to me…”

The conversation didn’t stop for quite a while after that. I was especially interested in the way Peeta interacted with my family. Internally I was still debating if giving myself a chance at getting to know him was a good idea. I didn’t like the feeling of being vulnerable, but then again, Peeta had already seen me in one of the most vulnerable moments of my life. I especially loved the way he interacted with Prim, they both reminded me a lot of each other, sweet blue-eyed blondes full of kindness and light, I could sense they would get along really well. 

“Uh I heard you’re the one that decorates the cakes in the bakery, Peeta!” Prim said, excitedly looking at him. 

The famous cakes. She would stare at them for a ton of time when we went to town together, especially the ones full of colors and flowers. She loved them so much and begged for them so much, that it ached having to tell her no and having to buy her a tiny bun instead, but before everything we suddenly had now, we wouldn’t have been able to afford it. They were as expensive as they were pretty.

  “Oh yes, I’m the one in charge of that.” He said, smiling back at her. “It was my favorite thing to do, I would spend hours on them to make sure everything was perfect”

“Oh yes I know! Katniss would take me to the windows of the bakery all the time so I could see them” she said, with a little pout decorating her face. “My favorites were the ones with daisies on them”

Peeta laughed a little. I could see him getting touched because of her words. The cakes really meant a great deal for him, or at least he had told me so during one of our few conversations in the Capitol.

“Tell you what, I’ll make one for your birthday and will decorate it with whatever you want me to, as a birthday present” He said, smiling at her.

Wait, really?” she said, almost squeaking from his words. “Oh I’m so glad you are part of the family now!”
Haymitch laughed at her words and looked at me directly. I was of course blushing because of her words, but I in no means pretended to talk about it with him there, I just knew that if I dared to, it would only cause me to be laughed at. So I just glared at him and kept eating while they talked. 

The downfall of the evening was when Prim mentioned the games, and how she started about them. I didn’t think it would affect me that much, but the blood, the hunger, the terror, the deaths, everything was still too fresh in my memory for me to be able to talk about it in a regular conversation. I didn’t blame her for it, but I couldn’t help it either. 

It was during the time Peeta was presenting the carrot cake he had made for us to share. Unfortunately from Prim, this one was so recent, he hadn’t had time to decorate it.

“You guys really went through a lot in there” she said, taking a bite of her slice, bringing the topic out loud. “I cried a lot when Tresh almost killed Katniss, but thankfully she had helped Rue so he let her go.” she sounded really moved by it, but it wasn’t the same feeling for me. 

The mention of Rue detonated the bomb. I knew she had kept talking, but I couldn’t listen anymore. I stared at the piece of cake in front of me and freaked out about it in silence. I felt numb, out of my body. I was sat there, surrounded by my family, by my loved ones, and the other tributes weren’t, they were dead, because directly or not, I had killed them all, it was all my fault. 

My hands were shaking, and I dropped the spoon from my hand. Well, it fell from my hands, because I couldn’t hold it. I felt like puking my whole dinner out, it was dizzying, the thought of being alive, the fact that I had killed more than just animals with my bow. I couldn’t bring myself to accept it. It felt as if death was a better destiny, as if I should’ve eaten the berries when I had the chance, as if Peeta should’ve come alone back home. 

It wasn’t fair, It wasn’t fair, It wasn’t fair.

I killed them all, they were all dead because of me, and I was just here, sitting with my family, having dinner as if nothing had ever happened, as if it was okay that I was a murderer now. 

Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. 

Clove's eyes came back to me. Rue’s gasp kept replaying in my head. The muttered scream that Marvel let out as my arrow went through his neck. The unresponsive body of the girl who had eaten the night lock. The eyes of the mutts as they approached us to kill us.  The screams from Glimmer, the screams from Cato who was being eaten alive by the wolves.

The screams. The screams. The screams. 

I put my hands over my ears as if that could help me silence them, but it was helpless, the sound of them begging for mercy, for a chance to live, it was playing in a loop in my own head. I couldn’t hear anything but their voices, couldn’t see anything but their faces. What was so different in me that I made it out alive? What made me deserving of being able to breathe? Why me? Why not them? 

Why me? Why me? Why me?

My throat was stinging, while my forehead was pressed to my knees. I wasn’t quite sure if I was on the floor or not. I was yelling from the bottom of my lungs to try and overshadow the screams that my own head couldn’t help but keep replaying. It was an inescapable torture. No amount of running could get me out, because there was nothing to run from, there was nothing to do before the demons that were hunting me without breaks. The scene of my arrow going through Marvel’s throat was the loop I couldn’t stop thinking about, the way my arrow flew just after seeing his own weapons through Rue’s stomach. She was too little, too young, too innocent, a baby I dare say.

“Katniss” 

I heard my name being called and then felt arms embracing me, someone stroking my hair, but I couldn’t stop it. Couldn’t help it. How can I get out of here? I hated it. I hated it more than anything. I didn’t want to kill them, I had to, I had no other choice if I wanted to keep me and Peeta alive, but it wasn’t fair, not at all. 

“Breathe sweetheart, deep breaths”

I tried to, I obliged myself to follow the indications of the second voice that I heard. My heart was pounding so hard it actually felt like it would pop out of my chest. It hurt, I could only feel pain throughout my body. Maybe it was for the best, maybe that was repaying the price that being alive meant for me, maybe that was my punishment for the crimes I committed inside that arena.

“It’s okay Kat, keep breathing, it’s okay”

My hearing started to become more normal, the screams started to mute. My heart was still pounding but the deep breaths that someone was urging me to take were helping. I could smell something strong, like mint or some other herb that I couldn’t recall at the time, the name didn’t matter much, but it was helping me with the dizziness that I was feeling. What just happened? Was I hallucinating? Was I going insane? Was this going to be the same for the rest of my life? Maybe Haymitch wasn’t so crazy for drinking, maybe he was onto something with that way of coping.

“Katniss, breathe. It’s okay, you’re safe. you’re home.” I could recognize Peeta’s voice, his soothing tone in my ear, and his caress on my hair, besides the strong cinnamon scent that was unequivocally his.

My vision started to come back. I opened my eyes and kept breathing as they had been instructing me. There was a bundle of herbs in my nose being held by my mother, who was looking as concerned as one could look. It took me a few seconds to understand that I was on the floor, being held by Peeta. 

Haymitch was kneeled beside us as well, while my father and Prim were standing before us, my father couldn’t kneel, he was missing his left knee and would for life. He had struggled so much, they all had struggled so much, and then there I was, freaking out about memories of something that had already happened, something that wasn’t that important compared to being alive, to being home. 

“There you go. Good to have you back” Peeta talked again, helping me to sit down. 

He was still hugging me tight, and for once I noticed that I was gripping one of my hands tight around his arm, he smiled when I looked for his gaze, probaby to reassure me that I was safe, that nothing could damage me as of that moment, that we were home back in twelve, and not in the arena. 

“I- I’m sorry” I said, embarrassed for the sudden attention that I was getting from everyone. “I didn’t mean for that to happen”

My mother was the next one to talk. 

“What just happened?” she asked, giving me a worried look. 

I opened my mouth, but I couldn’t talk. I didn’t know what to say, and wasn’t that sure if saying it out loud would help me at all. I shook my head, feeling the tears build up in my  eyes again. My breath was still shaky from everything that I had seen just a few minutes ago. I felt frozen, stunned, and I hated it. 

Peeta seemed to understand my gesture, because he turned to my mother and smiled slightly while shaking his head. He was able to comprehend why I couldn't talk, why it was so hard to put out loud what I was thinking about, and maybe, why I would never be able to talk about it with them. 

“There are some things that we just can’t speak  about ” he said, sighing a bit. “The games really did mess us up in ways that can’t be explained.”

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪

I laid in my bed, motionless, just staring at my window without feeling like doing anything else. After Peeta had talked to my mother I found out that, yes, I could hear and see again, but I could not bring myself to move. Not to stand up, not to loosen my grip on Peeta’s arm, not even to nod or shake my head. I felt numb, out of my body, trapped inside my mind. I asked for one of the smaller bedrooms though, I felt as if my parents deserved to have the principal one. 

Between him and Haymitch they had managed to get me to my new room, which made me feel like a complete outsider. I wasn’t at home anymore. This house, this destiny was my new life now. The pillow was soft, the blanket smelled like flowers, and the window gave me the sight of the moon in the sky. It made no sense. When I hoped to come back to twelve I had envisioned my home, not a strange place which I had to call home from now on. 

I heard voices outside of my door, but even then I didn’t move, I just hugged myself tighter and quiet down to understand what they were saying. Peeta sat next to me, caressing my hair softly, I was still holding his arm though not as tightly as before, he gave me a sense of security that I appreciated in this moment. 

“Why did you push us away, Hay?” My father’s voice was at the other side of the door. 

Pushed us away? Did they know each other before today? Twelve really was small after all.
“Being around me put you in danger back in the day, I don’t expect you to understand” he said. I could almost see him rolling his eyes.

“So? What changed?”

 “Your daughter changed. She’s a victor now.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” 

“You’ll figure it out on your own, Burdie. Though I hope you and Asterid can find it in your hearts to forgive me” there was a pause, and I could almost hear him figure out the joke he was gonna make. “Her forehead did scar as if nothing happened”

“Gosh Haymitch, you really don’t have a serious bone in your body” I heard him try his best not to laugh at his words. 

I had a lot of questions for my father, especially regarding the fact that he was talking to my mentor as if they were long life friends that had spent just a season without talking to each other. What was actually hapenning? I was more confused than I wanted to admit.

“So the bread boy, Otho’s…” I rolled my eyes as I heard him, he really would investigate it. 

Peeta tensed up a bit at the mention of his name, blushed to hear my father suddenly mention him. I watched him carefully as he stared at the door. If I wasn’t so shaken up by the episode I just had, I would have laughed at him. 

“I don’t think it is my place to tell you about it. I don’t even think they got it figured out, so in your place I would wait for them to talk” Haymitch said. Well at least he was right about that. “He is as good as you can hope for her here in twelve though” That was also probably right.

Peeta looked down at me and shook his head, as if he wanted to deny what Haymitch had just said, but he couldn’t because the conversation went on almost immediately after. 

“I don’t know, I liked that guy, Gale, a lot too”

“Your own daughter would kill you if she heard that” he laughed. 

“I know” I heard my father say, chuckling as well.

It felt weird to eavesdrop in their conversation, but there wasn’t much I could do. After all, I couldn't move and they were quite literally at the other side of my bedroom door. I looked at Peeta and nodded, moving my head slightly. Haymitch was right about that, and probably about what he said about Peeta too. 

“No, but seriously he’s as sweet and noble as they come, Burd” 

I could hear my father sigh, and also noticed how Peeta’s concerned gaze turned to the door again. He was trying not to pay attention, I could tell by the way he kept stroking my hair in a very repetitive and constant way with his thumb, but the conversation had turned to him and he seemed invested in it. 

“He loves her so much he was willing to die so she could come home, and maintaining that even after going through the arena it’s something else” our mentor kept talking. “Sometimes I wonder if he’s not a little crazy for that”

My father chuckled again, quieter this time. 

“He is also the one who gave her the loaves of bread when we were almost dying because of my injuries. He saved our lives and gave her courage to keep going, to keep us fed and alive, even though it wasn’t her responsibility” 

Peeta wrinkled his nose. That I knew why. He had said constantly that he regretted the fact of not giving me the bread directly, of not being brave enough to go out and help, but I didn’t blame him, in fact, I was thankful he had done it the way he did, I wouldn’t had have accepted it if he’d given me the loaves like that, the seam was strong on it’s ‘we do not accept charity’ values. 

“Though anyone truly in love would do what you said” he continued. “I would’ve done it for Ast, and you would’ve done it for Lenore Dove, in fact, that’s why you ended up in the games in the first place”

Peeta opened his eyes a bit at the mention of Lenore Dove, like he had heard something about it before, I couldn’t help but wonder, who was she? And what an odd name to have. Also, how would Haymitch end up in the games because of someone?

Haymitch coughed and that stumped me a little. He was nervous, and that wasn’t something easily achievable. 

“I hadn’t heard her name in ages” it was almost a silent cry. 

The floor made a sound that only matched with the sound of my father moving. 

“I miss her too, Hay” he murmured. “All of them, After your games and the ban on their art the covey banished. They were what was left of my own family”

Who was he talking about? Who were they mentioning? Covey? More questions kept popping in my mind, but I had to shush them to try and focus my attention on the conversation that was still going on between them. 

“Well you have a new one now. A very brave one if I may say, you even bagged yourself a great suspect to be your son in law” Haymitch said. It was obvious that he was still crying, but a chuckle escaped from him. 

Peeta blushed again, and I could feel my cheeks getting warmer again. 

“Oh shush. Besides, we are your family now, there’s no point in keeping us away still”

“I know ” He stopped for a second and kept going, though it was noticeable that he was a bit further than before. “Go check on them. She’s difficult, but she’s a good kid, that songbird of yours”

“I know” my father said back. 

Peeta stood up, but my hand was still locked on his wrist. I stared at him, trying to make my voice come out. 

“I think that’s my queue to leave, Kat” he murmured, leaving a tiny kiss on my forehead. “I will be here tomorrow to check on you”

I nodded, and coughed a little to clear my throat. 

“Promise?”

He smiled and nodded. He seemed relieved to hear my voice again.

“Promise”  he said back, leaving another kiss, this time on my cheek. 

Bad luck to us, that was the exact moment my father entered the room, which made us blush even more than we already were, if that was possible at all. 

“Well, you surely seem to be feeling a bit better”

Chapter Text

"Does a scorpion sting when fighting back? They strike to kill and you know I will"

The first few weeks after the panic attack weren’t better, in fact they had been worse. Every sudden movement, every little sound, even a random word that had the slightest correlation to the games, seemed to trigger another one. It would begin with the flashbacks, then I would lose my breath, my sight, my movement and my voice. Sometimes it was when people were around me. Prim hummed, my mom brougth herbs, my dad sang, Haymitch talked and Peeta cuddled me. 

All the panic attacks didn’t include the nightmares that were haunting me in every amount of sleep I had. I would wake up screaming and crying more often than not. It was sickening, the thought of never being able to live a normal life. My energy levels were on the floor, and sure, the lack of sleep was part of it, but eating had become such a horrible task. Each bite I had was full of guilt, full of pain. I was in my home, being loved and cared after while in the arena I had killed people. 

Guilt had become my most constant emotion and companion. 

My family had insisted on me returning to the woods, but the thought of facing them alone terrified me, and neither Gale hadn’t come to see me  or I had gone to see him. It stung me a bit, but I knew the mines were tough, and that without his father, it was almost his responsibility alone to feed his siblings. 

My father had volunteered to go with me, but that wasn’t a great idea either, because if a panic attack struck in the middle of our outing, there was no way for him to help me comeback home, especially if I didn’t had the ability of moving, that meant that he would have to leave me on my own in the woods to get someone to help, and while yes, I had spent a lot of time hunting alone, I could defend myself in case of predators, in that scenario it would be impossible. 

“Hey Kat” Peeta’s voice took me out of my trance. 

He was entering the room with a tray in his hands. He had been an angel sent to earth with the whole can’t-eat won’t-eat situation. He would prepare my favorite pastries, and try tons of recipes that wouldn’t connect at all to anything games related. It had strangely worked a bit, though not enough for my family to be content with it. Couple of weeks had passed since the family dinner, and since then he never stopped coming, it became a sweet habit to have him around during that time of the day. 

Another concern they had was me going back for the Victory tour, which had a sense of dread on me too. I didn’t want to go back to anything that had to do with the Capitol, but different from eating or doing normal stuff, the Tour was the one thing I couldn’t escape. Factors about it had been brought to my attention constantly but I didn’t want to think about it, about facing the families of the tributes that were dead because of me. 

“Hey” I mumbled back, sitting on the couch. 

He smiled slightly and left the tray on the coffee table before us to then sit by my side. 

My feelings for Peeta weren’t that clear either, but I was thankful to have him with me either way. I liked him, that I was certain of, his hugs, the tiny kisses he was getting used to leave on my cheeks and forehead, the soft way he interacted with me without making me feel broken or wounded, and also the way I wanted to reciprocate all of those little things for him. Thinking about it often gave me comfort, distracted me from the monsters that had found a home in my mind. 

“I made cheese buns and hot chocolate, you up for it today?” he asked, pointing at the food. 

I nodded, taking a deep breath to try and prevent my heart race from going up fastly. 

“Peeta?” I said, taking one of the little cheese buns on the tray. 

He looked at me puzzled, or curious, either way he was paying attention to my sudden call for his name. 

“Yes?” 

I opened my mouth to tell him what was on my mind. I had spent days trapped in the spiral of thanking him for being by my side, for comforting me, for being patient, even more because deep inside me, I was sure he was struggling as much. He had to have nightmares, he had to experience panic attacks and flashbacks, but he had never complained about it, at least not with me, because he knew that would trigger something. Even being out of that horrible place he was still trying to protect me, but I wanted to be part of his struggle too, understand how he dealt with his own monsters, maybe that would actually help me get better. 

But Prim and my dad walked in causing me to shush almost immediately about what I was about to say.

“Please keep baking cheese buns”

My dad smiled at the sight of us and left a small peck on my forehead. I cursed them both a bit, but it also gave me time to rethink my words. Not everyone had the talent Peeta had with them, and for me it didn’t even come in basic manners, it was a real struggle to express exactly what I was thinking or feeling, worse now that my panic attacks had been taking my voice most of the time. 

“Songbird, bread boy” he said, greeting us both “Have you seen your mom? Me and Prim gathered the mint she was asking for yesterday”

I nodded slightly. I had forgotten about that as well.

“I think grandmother is very ill. This morning grandfather came looking for help, you know, since they’re elder and the girls were the ones attending people back at the apothecary” I said, wrinkling my nose slightly. 

My grandparents, though I wasn’t sure they even deserved the title, were the owners of the only apothecary in twelve, though it was mostly for the merchant people, few people in the Seam could afford to buy medicines, which made our house really popular back when we lived there. It still left a sour taste in my mouth, knowing that was no longer the place we as a family reside in. 

Both of them had disowned my mother when she married my father and had talked almost nothing since, so when he came knocking on the door that morning, looking for her, it stumped me. I knew them by name, and I could recognize them if someone asked me to point them out, but in no way, shape or form could they be called real grandparents, the title just stuck with me because I had no idea what else to call them. 

“Oh?” he said and stopped his way to the kitchen and turned to us again, frowning.

“Yeah, he said something about a fever that had weakened her heart a few years ago, and that now she seemed very ill” I explained to him, sighing a bit.

To be honest, I didn’t pay much attention to it, but now that my dad seemed concerned about it, it worried me. It wasn’t until now that I made memories of my mother’s eyes filling up with tears almost immediately after hearing him, and the way she left the house with a hurry I hadn’t seen in ages from her, not even when she was needed as a healer. 

“Did your mother say something about it, Niss?” He asked, and I knew, by the hint of concern in his voice, that I had underestimated the situation. 

I shook my head, staring at him still. 

“She just left”

Prim joined the conversation, having a much quicker conclusion than mine to the whole situation of my mother just leaving when my grandfather wanted her there. It often surprised me how smarter she’d gotten in such a short span of time, it was like she grew up a lot all of the sudden, without giving me time to process, but then again, I hadn’t been able to process much since coming back to twelve. 

“She is dying, is she not?” she said towards my dad. 

Her words caused chills down my spine. How did I not see that?

“I’m afraid so, or at least I think that’s what’s happening.” he said, sighing. 

My father wasn’t the biggest fan of his in-laws, but I knew, from our trips to the woods and the meadow, that even after them disowning her, her parents meant a great deal to my mom, and anything that was a big deal for her, immediately became a big deal for him. I didn’t know why it surprised me to see the despair in his eyes, and I couldn’t help but wonder if there was something else to it, something that I wasn’t catching right away.

“Bread boy, do me a favor, will you?” 

“Yes, what can I do for you, Mr Everdeen?” he said, waiting for the directions of my father.

“For once, stop calling me Mr Everdeen” he said, chuckling slightly. “Then I need you to go to Haymitch and tell him to page Clerk Carmine with his fiddle, tell him you’ll go with him if necessary”

Clerk Carmine? Who was he? It seemed like my father had kept more secrets from me than he cared to admit. 

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪

“Niss, I need you to come with me” he insisted. 

I couldn’t, I was physically incapable to agree to what he was asking from me. My grandmother was indeed going to die, according to Prim, who had already gone to the town to look for our mother. She found her crying in the backyard of the apothecary and understood what was happening. She stayed with her for a couple of hours and then came back home with a list of the things mom had asked for. 

“I can’t go there, Dad. I just can’t”

My mother needed poppies. Well more than just that, it was poppies, lavender, chamomile and other flowers that would help her to make a sedative for her mother, so she could fall asleep and die. The problem was that, my dad had spent so much time out of the woods, the nature wasn’t as clear to him as it had been eight years ago, so the resource they had to retrieve them was me.

The mere thought made me shiver. I could only think of the amount of flashbacks that the woods would cause me, and that was enough for me to stay out of them. 

“You won’t go alone. I’ll go, hell, we can bring bread boy as well, in case we have to deal with the worst scenario”

I crossed my arms over my chest. I felt weak and vulnerable, and didn't like it one bit. 

“Peeta is still in Haymitch’s house trying to get him to talk after the mention of this so-called Clerk Carmine you sent him for” I said. “Who is he anyway? I hadn’t heard a name like his in the district before”

That was a partial lie, because, yes I hadn’t met anyone with a name like that in the district, but the name Lenore Dove immediately appeared in my head, along with this covey thing they had mentioned. It kept appearing here and there when I thought back on the conversation Peeta and me eavesdropped on.

For a second I could see a glimpse of hurt cross my father’s eyes, as if my words had brought him a memory that he didn’t know how to talk about.

“Now is not the time to demand explanations from me, your mother needs us, needs you.” he said, looking straight into my eyes. “I will go look for brea- Peeta, and we will go at least into the edge of the forest to retrieve what your mom needs.” 

He didn’t give me room for answers, it was just a direct order. He left through the front door as I stared at the cheese buns in front of me, daring to eat one. That was probably the first thing that my stomach was receiving in a longer time than it should’ve but it didn't make me feel better, in fact, it made the creeping guilty feeling inside me worsen. 

I ate the whole cheese bun and then started biting my nails. It had become a habit that was finding hard to get rid off again, but the anxiety that going back to the forest gave me was terrifying. Was that what the capitol had condemned me to? To carry the burden of being alive, to be terrified of even going to what used to be my favorite place in the whole entire world, the place that had given me a second chance to live, that had given me shelter when I thought my world would crumble down? It was unfair, and it made me mad.

Before I could notice the time had passed my father was back, with a blushed Peeta by his side.

“Let’s go songbird, the sooner we get back the better”

I obliged myself to stand up, my legs felt weak, and so did my whole body, but I knew I had to do this for my mom, or else she would spend, who knows how much time, waiting for her mother’s miserable and painful agony to be over. I walked over to them, feeling a bit out of breath, trying my best for them not to notice, the last thing I wanted to do was worry them even more than I was already doing, the feeling of being a burden would never go away.

Peeta held my hand without me having to ask him for it, and I internally thanked him, because with each step I took, to get out of the house and to get to the woods, I felt like passing out, like running away, like nothing in the world would be more painful than to set foot in such a place, in the place that would forever haunt me as the kind of place where I had killed people.

“So…” my father started to talk, after a couple minutes into the walk.  

His talent to try and fill silences was amusing to me. He always made sure that there was someone talking, or something to talk about. The sun was barely past mid-day, so our eyes were squinted. For some reason I had the smallest fear of one of them falling into the ground because of it, none of us would be able to help them to stand up. 

“So?” I asked, waiting for him to talk. I stared at him and then changed my sight to Peeta, who was blushed again. 

What had my father said to him that had him in such a state? Peeta wasn’t one for blushing so easily, in fact, I hadn’t seen him blushed much before the cave, and barely a few times after the games and since we came back. It seemed strange, as if some interesting conversation had happened between them without me being there. 

“What is going on between you two?” he said, directly to the point. “I’ve been wondering since the games, and Hay told me not to bother you with it, but there’s only much a curious father can withstand”

Great, my father had brought it up before I could bring it up with Peeta. He was walking a few steps in front of us, so all we could really see was his back, still I could bet something on him trying not to laugh. Since coming back I noticed him a lot more joyful than before the games, when we departed to the capitol I begged him to snap back, for mom, for Prim, and then I came back to the version of my father had I yearned for so many years, the version of him befores the explosion. 

Lying to him wouldn’t bring anything, so I prepared myself to talk, but the wait seemed like too much for him because he talked again. 

“Not that I have a problem with you, bread boy, I surprisingly like you dearly” he said, nodding his head. “But you know, we all saw the games, and then again you spend a lot of time at our house, and you make sure that Niss is okay, and well, I saw you kiss just the other day, but you both don’t tell us anything or call yourselves anything official” he started talking more than he intended to, and it was starting to make us both me and Peeta nervous. 

We were in the meadow already, so I decided it was a safe enough place to talk about it, at least to give my dad the information both me and Peeta had cleared with each other. 

“We are trying it, Dad. To be together, to know each other” I said in a really low voice, still walking behind him, feeling my cheeks blush a bit. 

It felt weird to talk about my feelings with him in such a normal way, especially since these so-called feelings were absolutely new to me and I couldn’t quite comprehend it. It was silly even to be talking about my feelings for Peeta while my head was still trying to be okay with the fact that I was getting closer and closer to the woods, to the trees, to the wild. 

“We didn’t know each other much before the games, and it’s just…complicated” Peeta completed, squeezing my hand lightly. “Though I appreciate that you like me, I will put that on my list”

My dad laughed and I turned to Peeta. 

“A list?” It puzzled me. 

Did this have to do with the reason Peeta had arrived so blushed at our house before?

“Sure, of which one of you is my favorite Everdeen” he said. I could tell now that he was joking, and if it was to get a laugh out of me, he had done it greatly. 

“Shouldn’t that be me?”

“Don’t underestimate the rest of your family, songbird. We are very charming as well”

I frowned slightly. 

“I’m not charming” I said plainly, looking at my surroundings for the hollow trunk in which my own bow rested, hidden from everyone and everything else.

I was starting to feel unprotected without a weapon, as if in any moment someone would jump at me to put a knife through my throat or heart, whatever was faster or gave a better show for the audience.

“Well, then I would worry about my place on the list, Niss”

I laughed a little, and once we were a  bit into the woods, we started collecting all the herbs and flowers my mother had requested. It felt weird, knowing that all this would only serve the purpose of helping my grandmother to die, but my mom knew best, if she was asking for this it was because deep down she knew there was no way to help her.

“Maybe we should just bring her nightlocks” my father said, putting everything in his bag. 

Peeta immediately turned to me, taking my hand among his almost immediately. Then my dad looked at him and turned his gaze to me. Nightlocks. It was like a switch on my mind, as if the word had activated something. It didn’t help that almost at the same time footsteps could be heard coming towards us. Not heavy stomps, like dad’s and peeta’s. Light stomps, like the ones a hunter has to develop to avoid being perceived by their prey. 

My heart raced a little faster when I couldn’t find the trunk where my bow was, so I just squeezed Peeta's hand harder than before. My mind was sure that there was another person in with us, someone else watching us as their prey, as their soon to be prize.

“Kat, it’s okay” I heard him say, but it wasn’t, I was in the woods and felt trapped, just as a bunny entering the cave of a pack of wolves.

And just about when I was about to answer I found the bow and almost immediately after I heard the footsteps more clearly, getting closer and closer to us. My throat was closing, but I obliged myself to take the hand crafted weapon and the arrows. There was no way I would die here, I promised Prim I’d tried my best.

I didn’t even know who was approaching us, and I couldn’t care less, anyone in this arena had the intention to kill me, to kill us, and I wouldn’t let them, would not let all my efforts of being alive go down the drain because of a random person all of the sudden. I put the arrow through my bow and tensed it, ready to let go of it and shoot anyone near sight. 

I contained my breath, waiting for the tribute to appear from between the bushes, waiting for my arrow to leave my fingers and end it all. If I had already killed Marvel, what else was stopping me from giving everything to go back to my family?

“Katniss, wait!” 

I heard Peeta call my name and frowned. Wasn’t he back at the cave? I could’ve sworn I gave him the sleep syrup so I could come pick up the medicine for him, so he wouldn’t die of blood poisoning. Either way, that just made the need for my arrow to be lethal wider, I needed to protect him as well. 

“Katniss?” it came from far away, and even though it sounded familiar I couldn’t risk it. It could be a mutt, or it could be my brain remembering the interviews. 

I saw the figure of the person coming out of the bushes and didn’t think about it twice. I knew I would have to use two of them, since the anatomy of the presence wasn’t as clear to me, but one on the legs and one on the chest should end it all and let me keep going. I was trying to strike to kill, to use my best aim to save our lives.  

“Songbird wait!”

That was my dad’s voice, but it didn’t matter at the moment. I just lowered my aim and let the arrow fly. Then I heard it, a deep from inside scream, and also why the voice sounded so familiar. 

“Shit!” I heard his voice say, and then saw Peeta try and run to where it came from. 

Where was I? It didn’t matter much, I put another arrow on my bow and charged it. 

“Niss, snap out of it!” 

I felt someone shaking me up, which made me turn my gaze to it. It was, my dad? I realized then and there that I wasn't in the arena, in fact, I was actually in twelve, in the woods. I then turned to the direction from where the scream came from and saw why Peeta had run to it, or to him to be honest. 

“What a way to say hi to a friend after so long, Catnip” he said, gritting through his teeth. “Fuck, it stings ”

I ran to both of them, cursing myself internally. It was Gale. I had shot Gale out of a flashback. I was turning into a mad woman .

Chapter Text

"I hope you know how proud I am you were created, with the courage to unlearn all of their hatred"

“Damn it!” Gale howled, holding his leg with his hands as a reflection to try and lower the pain, which of course wouldn’t work. 

I cursed myself internally, trying to keep my breathing steady to not burst into a panic attack that would make bigger of a problem to Peeta and my dad. It didn’t make sense, when I let the arrow fly I swore I was in the arena, watching the exact same landscape that I had seen during the games. I felt like puking, disgusted with myself for letting my mind trick me into shooting my best friend, the guy who had helped me to hunt and to feed my family. 

“Shush you, don’t make so much noise and don’t move so much” I heard my father say. 

He was checking Gale’s leg as much as his own prosthetic allowed him to. I would have to look into finding modern ones that allowed him to move more, like Peeta’s. I kneeled beside Gale and checked the zone the arrow had punctured his leg in. He was bleeding way too much to be a simple injury. I had pierced his femoral artery. 

“Someone give me a belt” I said after noticing what had happened. 

It made me nervous, to have to save someone’s life by an injury on the leg for the third time in my life. By this time I could be considered an expert by how much blood I had managed. I broke the arrow to make it shorter and then took one of the other ones to rip Gale’s pants and give visibility to the wound. 

Peeta gave me his belt as fast as he could, I turned to him for a second and saw him pale, I could swear he even seemed dizzy and I understood why, this wasn’t very different from his injury in the cave. I didn’t have the courage to look at my dad, who would be having flashbacks as well. 

I put the belt around Gale’s leg, trying to stop the bleeding from being so prominent, I was scared to death. My mother and sister were busy, and he needed to be treated as fast as possible or he could die, not from infection or blood poisoning, but from a bleed out he could. 

“Let’s try to walk, we have to get you out of here” I say, helping him to stand up.

He growled while standing up, and Peeta ran to his side to help him as well. I was trying my best not to go insane, I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that I had shot him in the leg, that I was prepared to kill him cold blood just because I thought he was a foreign threat, no, not a threat, I was well aware he was a person or a tribute and still shot him to kill him, to end his life so I could keep mine. 

“Dad, go to the apothecary and fetch Prim and mom, tell them what happened” 

He didn’t talk, he just nodded and walked a little faster than us towards the fence. Gale, Peeta and I walked in silence, trying to be careful not to injure him more while making our way to the victor’s village. The entirety of the fence was off, so there was a bit of a shortcut to the village that also allowed us to avoid the center of the district. Gale and I had discovered it back when we were exploring a bit more, it wasn’t that useful then, but it sure as hell was now. 

“Why the hell did you shoot me?” 

I was going through the fence to help him pass it as well, I opened my mouth to explain to him, to say something, but my voice didn’t come out, and when I looked at Peeta for help, he looked totally zoomed out. How would I explain  that I was now traumatized for life? That him approaching us like that broke me into a flashback that made me think of him as a tribute. 

“She can’t talk right now” Peeta said in a very low voice, getting through the fence as well. 

I was glad he talked, but he seemed so out of it that it scared me. Was this the way his flashbacks manifested? Taking him out of reality? marginalizing him in his own mind? I felt selfish, because I had relied so much on him during my breakdowns, and panic episodes that I didn’t really check on how he was doing, how was he managing the pain of being out of the arena, how was he lifting the weight of being a murderer. 

Gale looked like he wanted to insist on it, on taking words out of me, but he didn’t, we had to concentrate on getting him to the village again, so the pain took space in most of his thoughts, or so I guessed, since he just made complaining sounds here and there while we walked. It was haunting me, the way blood was leaving a trail behind us, the way his skin was getting paler, but there was nothing more I could do, at least not until my mother arrived. 

We got to the house faster than I thought, maybe because of the shortcut, maybe because I was lost in my own thoughts, but we were there at last. Peeta and I left Gale in the kitchen, knowing that it would be the best place for my mom to treat him. The arrow was still sticking out of his leg, and now that I was at home, it hit me harder. 

That was what the capitol had turned me into, a killer, a cold blood killer who would ensure her safety above the life of other people. 

“Why can’t she talk?” Gale asked Peeta. 

He seemed mad, well, maybe not mad but irritated that he had to ask him about me, he had always been like that, mad at the merchant class for having more than us seam people. It made no sense now, since we were both victors, the grudge would have to go to the both of us, but I knew he wouldn’t hold it against me, that in his mind I’d only done it to ensure Prim’s safety, which was true, but didn’t change my updated status. 

“She’s been having flashbacks and panic attacks, and loses her voice after” he said. 

He had his head down and was playing with his hands. He didn’t lower his gaze because of Gale, Peeta was a lot of things, but not easily intimidated. He was looking at his prosthetic, probably wondering the fatality of his own injury in contrast with Gale’s. I sighed, because more often than not, I felt guilty about him losing his leg too. I had studied all the possible different outcomes for it, but even if I had gotten the medicine sooner, the only thing that would’ve been enough to save it was medical attention. 

Before Gale could say something else, my parents entered the house through the front door. Mom had her cheeks still shiny from tears, and dad had a sad look on his face that was enough to tell me that things were escalating fastly with the departure of my grandma. Prim wasn’t with them, probably making the fatal tea that was needed to end the suffering of the woman. 

“What happened?” My mom said, getting closer to Gale, examining the wound carefully. “It got the artery”

Gale laughed, frowning through the pain of my mother touching his leg. 

“Well, Katniss being deadly with a bow shouldn’t be a surprise”

My mom looked at me, confused because of Gale’s words. I shook my head, I didn’t want to talk, even less in front of Gale, who seemed to be judging every one of my actions and movements. 

“I will have to do sutures, but I don’t have morphline so it will hurt” she explained, looking at my dad, who seemed to understand almost immediately what she needed. 

He got something in the kitchen and then returned to Gale. It was a small cloth, he extended it to him and sighed. 

“I will hold you down so you don’t move while she works.” he started explaining, looking at him. “Bite into this. Bread boy, take Katniss out of here.”

I looked at Gale for a second before Peeta was taking me out of the kitchen, I then turned to him. He still looked pale, and I still felt an emptiness in my stomach that made me feel like puking. Then I heard the first muffled scream and my eyes filled with tears. It was real, totally real, I had shot Gale and potentially almost killed him.

It was a fraction of a second before I reacted that Peeta did. He took me out of the house and started to walk to his own, I didn’t object, nor did I have the energy to, I felt mentally exhausted, but then again I also felt the need to talk to Peeta about his own feelings, about his own ghost, about the demons that the capitol had gave him that haunted him constantly. 

He opened the door to let me in, and I did. I followed him once he was in too, I felt a bit lost being in his home, I had never entered it, not once, so it was a bit overwhelming to notice it. He pointed at the living room, at his couch, and I obeyed. His house wasn’t much different than mine, maybe just a bit emptier, lonelier. It made me feel sad for him, because I had a house full of love and voices, music, talk, smells, flavors and he just had an empty house where he lived by himself. 

“Sorry. I didn’t ask you if you wanted to come” he said, sighing a bit as he sat down with me on the couch. 

He was a bit tense but still was checking up on me, to make sure I was okay, or calm at least. Peeta was sweet, way too sweet, and noble, and caring, and loyal. He always made sure I was alright before worrying for himself. It pained me dearly to know he was this lonely, to know his family had just let him be on his own in this mansion while dealing with his own demons. 

“It’s okay” I said, smiling a bit. 

I searched for his hand, to hold it. He seemed a bit surprised at first, but then smiled, and left a tiny kiss on it. It made me blush, but it caused a flutter in my  heart that managed to opaque the other negative feelings that were going through my heart and mind at the time. I certainly did like Peeta, his warmth was like nobody else’, not that I had or wanted to compare it to someone else’s, I just wanted him. 

“Peeta, how are you feeling?” I asked him, looking for his eyes. “I saw the look on your face when you saw Gale’s leg”

“I’m okay, don’t worry about me, Kat”

“No, I do worry about you, and I’m sorry I haven’t said it before, that I haven’t checked up on you like you’ve done for me” I look him in the eye and hold his hand a little tighter. 

Peeta smiled slightly and shook his head, as if he was telling me not to worry again, to leave him alone, to not care about his feelings. 

“I’m okay, it stumped me a little, but I'm okay now. Don’t burden yourself with my feelings, you have enough with yours”

“Peeta” I said, a bit more severely. “Your feelings are not a burden to me, I want to help you too. This loneliness, this emptiness you face every time you come home it’s not okay, you don’t have to deal with your nightmares alone, because you’re not. We are a team, you and I.” 

That seemed to switch something inside him because his eyes got teary almost immediately, and tears started rolling down his cheeks as if he had been containing them for a really long time. 

“It’s awful” he choked out, he let go of my hand and put his hands over his face, curling up on himself. “Being here alone, dealing with nightmares, with flashbacks, with black outs of memory”

He was sobbing hard by the time he finished the sentence, and something in me ached. he was going through all of this and he still prioritized to help me, to make sure I was okay, to calm my own fears and panics, when he had his own to fight, and he was fighting them all alone. Poor sweet Peeta, the world didn’t deserve someone as pure as him, not now, not ever. 

“The day I came back, my mother, she told me I’d be better off dead” he choked out and my heart sank. “What kind of mother says that to her kid?”

“Peeta…” I whispered and immediately hugged him as hard as I could. 

I didn’t even know what to say to him, what words could compete with the cruelty that his mother had told him? It didn’t even make sense. True, the woman was a menace, and more often than not she was rude to everyone she could, even her husband, but there was such a huge difference between being rude to someone and telling them you wish they were dead. 

“I kept telling myself that everything would be worth it when I came back to them, when they welcomed me back and told me they missed me” He was still crying, and I could feel my shoulder getting damp from it, but I didn’t move. “But they didn’t even care. She said it with such hate in her tone. I’ve always known she resented me for not being the little girl she wanted but…”

I cut through his words. By then I was also caressing his hair and his back, trying to be as useful to him as I could, to giving back even a fraction of what he’d already given me through the past few weeks, and even before then. 

“But nothing, she shouldn’t have said that” I tell him, sighing a bit and hugging him a bit tighter. “ I’m so proud of you, Peeta ” 

He separated himself from the hug and shook his head, ready to refute my words. I did not stop him, but I did clean his cheeks from the tears that kept rolling down his deep beautiful eyes. It sounded silly in my mind, and I would probably never say it out loud. but Peeta was really pretty, another level of pretty, between his golden locks and his blue eyes I doubted there could be someone as pretty as him. Even now when he was crying non-stop, his eyes shined in a unique way that made them even deeper, and that made his lashes even more remarkable than before. 

“Proud of me? I barely even do anything. I feel like an impostor who got out of the games by taking advantage of you and your strength” he said, and I could tell by the tone of his voice that he really did mean it “I betrayed you, and then put you in danger for my leg which I lost anyway, I was such a burden and such an obstacle during the games”

I shook my head, frowning a little. 

“ I’m proud of you because even after all the hatred your mother planted on you, you didn’t pick up any of it, you are the sweetest, kindest, selfless person I know” I say, still caressing his cheeks. “Listen to me you Peeta Mellark, you are so brave and always stand up for what you believe. There’s not a bone in your body who isn’t thoughtful and empathetic with the people around you, so don’t listen to those who say the contrary, they are wrong”

“Even if it’s me?”

“Especially if it’s you” 

And then, surprising even myself. I kissed him. A soft kiss on the lips, to comfort him, to let  him know that he was not alone, that we were in it together, and to make sure that he knew I meant every word that came out of my mouth, that every single thing I said I also thought, that everything was true.  

“You didn’t put me in any danger I wasn’t already in, and I would do it again if it meant we both would get out of the arena” I say, pressing my forehead to his. “You are really brave, Peeta, and surviving the games was a team effort”

He smiled, and then took me in his arms, hugging me in a way that made me feel small again. He wrapped himself around me seeking comfort from it and hoping I would get it as well. I did get it, because just the thought of having him near was enough for me to feel way calmer about any of the demons that haunted me, about the people I killed. 

“Thank you, Kat”

“Thank you, bread boy”

I say teasingly. I secretly like the little nickname my father had given him, it fitted him perfectly, and I also knew that for my father it was more than just a silly nickname, because for years and years he had called him like that in his mind, to no ever forget he was the reason we were all alive still, to thank him internally for giving us the loaves of bread that would save us from starving and would give me the strength to go into the woods to hunt.

“Hey, I thought that was only your dad’s doing” he said with a chuckle.

“It is, but I like to say it too here and then”

Peeta shook his head, and left a kiss in my temple.

“I’m sorry your encounter with Gale turned out that way. I know how much it meant to you to see him again”

“It’s not your fault, don’t worry about it” I said, shaking my head. 

It truly wasn’t. I did miss him terribly and it pained me a lot to have shot him out of  a flashback, but it had nothing to do with Peeta, not a single bit, and it never would. I just buried my face deeper in his chest hoping to disappear for just a few moments. I hated what the games had turned me into. This macabre ghost of myself that lived her days like a bomb waiting to explode on her. 

I didn’t know how much time had passed, Peeta and I just stayed in silence in each other's embrace, which was the only thing we could do to stay calm at that moment, when we heard a soft knocking on the door. 

“I’ll go” he said, standing up to attend to whoever had come to his house. 

After a few seconds I heard his voice call a name. 

“Haymitch!” he said “Are you feeling better now? I’m sorry about earlier, Burdock…”

“It’s okay boy, let's talk about that another time, now, is the sweetheart here?” he asked, cutting short his words, or more so his apology.

I stood up and walked to them, curious about why he had called my name, why was he looking for me?  The name Lenore Dove still ringed in my mind since the conversation he’d had with my father, and that led me to think how little do we really know about Haymitch’s and his past.

“Yes, what 's up?” I said, walking up to them both.

He sighed and he had a look between relieved and mortified on his face, as if he had to tell me something that was bad news, then I looked beside him and saw Prim crying, and everything made a little more sense. Of course she couldn’t enter the house if my mom was still working on Gale’s leg, my father had probably heard the door and rushed to tell her to stay out for a while. 

What really surprised me was the fact that she had turned to Haymitch, I didn’t know they had gotten so close, but then again, I had spent the past three weeks rotting aways in my bed, so it made sense that I didn’t know much about how well where they getting along, especially since my father seemed to really enjoy having our mentor around. I was sure that I had heard him a few times talking about sobering him up. 

“Katniss!” Prim cried and jumped to hug me, holding onto me for dear life, as if something would take her away at any moment. 

I understood right away what had happened and hugged her back. It wasn’t that Prim had deep feelings for our grandmother, but she did for our mom, and that mortified her, especially since at the end of it, she was left in charge of giving her the fatal tea that would put her to sleep forever. 

“Is she gone?” I asked Haymitch, caressing my sister's blond hair. 

“No, not yet at least. Prim just gave her the tea but couldn’t bare to stay”

I sighed and nodded, leaving a small kiss on her head. 

“Thank you, Haymitch” 

“No problem at all” he said. “By the way, if your father really wants Clerk Carmine to play the fiddle for him, I am not a good idea for a messenger, tell him I said that”

I shrieked my eyes, staring at him, confused at his words. Here they were again, keeping secrets out in the light about who these people were, and why was my father so insistent to have him fetched. 

“I’ll tell him when I see him” 

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪

We didn’t have to wait much for my parents to call us back home. Prim was still distressed about the situation with my grandma, so when my mother was ready to go back to them, she told her to stay with us in the house. It pained me to see them both  like that, my mother suffering in silence to not worry us and my sister feeling the weight of someone else’s life in her hands. 

“You should talk to him” Peeta said, pointing to the kitchen with his face carefully. “I’ll stay with your dad and Prim”

I knew he was referring to Gale, and I also knew that he was right, that there would be no better opportunity to talk to him than now, when he was at my house, slightly sedated and in an environment that wouldn’t trigger a flashback. Still it sacred me, because the irritation I had heard in his tone before, while bringing home, was a tone that he hadn’t used with me before, it wasn’t frightening as if it put me in danger, it was in the sense that, I didn’t know if our friendship was still intact after everything that had happened. 

I walked into the kitchen and found him staring at his leg. His breath was still shaky and I could see his cheeks were still stained because of the tear. I did not know how to approach him, how to begin the conversation. 

“Hey Catnip” he said, without looking at me. 

That made me smile a little. Of course he would notice me before, he was a hunter, we both were, and we had spent a lot of time hunting with each other to the point of knowing our ways of walking and breathing, so we could be as productive and agile as possible. It was part of surviving, part of what made our friendship ours. 

“How are you feeling?” I ask him, looking directly at his leg. 

“Well, let’s say I’m glad I’m not one of your usual preys to hunt” he answered, laughing a little. 

It gets me to crack a smile. I missed him dearly, still it wasn’t our fault we hadn’t seen each other much since we came back, with all that had been happening. 

“Your dad told me you haven’t been going to the woods, that you are struggling with the memories of the games”

My breathing froze for a minute and then I nodded. 

“Yeah, things have been hard with that” I told him, wrinkling my nose slightly. I would have to talk to my dad about what he was telling people, I was planning on keeping my private life as much as I could. 

He seemed surprised to hear it from me. At first he raised his eyebrows and then he frowned. Did he think my dad was lying for me? Making excuses? Why would he react like that?

“Uh, so it is true, I didn’t thought it would be that big of a deal for you, Catnip”

Now it’s my turn to frown. His words made me a little mad. 

“You didn’t think killing people would be that big of a deal?”

He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest, as if my words were exaggerations of what had actually happened, as if he didn’t think my struggles were serious enough to be going through what I was going through. 

“You know what I mean”

“No, I actually don’t” I said, raising my voice a little. 

“It’s not like it was your fault, or as if you had an option, it shouldn’t affect you that much”

I took a step back, feeling my chest a little tight because of his words. Sure maybe it wasn’t my fault, maybe he had a point on that, but I still had the blood of those people in my hand, the blood of kids, just like me, who were in that situation because of an unfortunate amount of luck and a horrible system that the government kept on going. 

“It wasn’t theirs either, Gale!” now I almost yell. “Who are you to tell me how to feel about killing people? Have you killed people?” I demand from him, looking obviously hurt. 

Gale scowls and shrugs. 

“It must not be that much different from animals, if you think about it enough. If you didn’t kill them, they were gonna kill you anyway”

“From animals?” Now I was yelling. “Those were children, who now are dead, who their families won’t see ever again!” 

I took more steps back, preparing myself to leave the kitchen as I felt my breathing fail. I hated the way he was talking, as if taking lives from people, from kids who were as much at risk, and with as much as bad luck as me, was easy, as if it didn’t mean anything. It infuriated me, but it also scared me, how easy it was for him to detach from the fact that winning the games meant committing murder. 

“Wow, you’ve really changed” he said, shaking his head. 

“Shut the fuck up once and for all. Talk to me when you’ve put some fucking sense in your head and aren’t talking about murdering people as an activity as normal and mundane as eating”

I sprinted out of the kitchen, feeling the lump in my throat grow with every step that I took. I couldn’t believe it was that easy for him, to just say that I should be over the murdering part of the arena. Was it because he hadn’t actually been there? Because he didn’t know what it was actually like to have to murder someone innocent, to have someone die in your arms and be helpless about it. It didn’t make sense to me, but then again, so didn’t a lot of the things that I used to find normal before the games.

Chapter Text

"passed down like folk songs, our love lasts so long"

My grandmother died that same evening, peacefully in her sleep while the leaves were falling down the trees. It was the end of October so winter was preparing slowly to invade. My mother was unconsolable as expected, and my father didn’t have that much of an idea of what to do. He seemed desperate to make her feel better, as if seeing her cry and suffer was causing him to physically ache the sorrow that was in her heart. I watched them carefully and wondered if that was what love truly meant, caring for someone so deeply that the suffering became a joint situation, as well as any other emotions. 

Prim gathered flowers from the meadow, and Peeta and I were left with the task of looking for Clerk Carmine. 

“I’m sorry my dad keeps asking you to do things, bossing you around” I said. 

I had spent a lot of time thinking about Peeta and I, more about my feelings for him. They scared me, admitting that there was something else than a friendship, especially after seeing my father suffering so much from something that wasn’t even troubling him but my mother. I wasn’t sure if the idea of someone else’s state having such a big power over my own was a good idea. 

“Don’t worry much about it, I’ve grown to like it” he laughs. “It makes me feel useful, part of something”

“Because you are” I respond almost immediately. “Prim adores you so much that I doubt you’ll be able to escape my family ever” I joke, walking by his side.

My dad had given us instructions to get to Clerk Carmine’s house, where he apparently lived with someone named Tam Amber. I wasn’t sure where he had met his people, or why he wanted them in the funeral with such an eager necessity, but I was not about to contradict the man that was trying everything to keep my mom from having to plan it. 

“I know, that’s why she is at the top of my list”

“Shouldn’t I be at the top spot?” I said, nudging him a little with my shoulder, which earns me a laugh from him. 

I smiled. I’ve grown to like his laughter a lot. It is soft and peaceful, but so full of joy and life at the same time. A very pleasant sound to have around me. 

“You are at the top spot of my beloved Everdeen's list, but in my favorite Everdeen’s list Prim’s winning. She’s just too charming and cute.” 

The word beloved bugged me a little, but I rolled my eyes at him with a little chuckle escaping my lips, as if nothing more than the silly moment we just had was crossing my mind. There was much more to it though, the world beloved had sent chills down my spine because I kept questioning myself if I could call him that, if for some reason, the feelings that I was so avoidant to name were exactly that, Peeta entering little my little my beloved’s people list. 

“Looks like we’re here”

I stop in front of the house and then climb the stairs. Peeta waits for me as I knock on the door, nervously. My father had told me to ask them to come, that he needed them for a funeral, and he was adamant on the fact that I had to use his name and explain the situation to get them to come. I didn’t know what to expect from it. 

“Hello?” an old man opens the door and stares at me, waiting for my words to tell him what I want. 

“Hi.” I said shyly back at him. “Are you Clerk Carmine?” 

He frowns after hearing my words, he even seems stumped, as if the mention of the name was a surprise to him. 

“Depends who’s asking” he seemed defensive, like he was constantly waiting for an attack to happen. 

That I could actually understand very well. Having survival instincts constantly activated and losing the will to be at peace, like someone would jump to kill at any point in time. It wasn’t just from the games then, it was probably a switch turned on because of living in the Seam, that gave me a little peace, though I don’t know if it should’ve.

“I’m Katniss. My father sent me to fetch you. Burdock”  

The name of my father seemed to work, because he opened the door all the way and stared at me, less defensive and more softly, as if he was staring at someone he had longed to meet for a long time. It made me a bit uncomfortable but filled me up with curiosity at the same time. Who were these people? Why had my father never talked about them? 

The more I thought about it, the less it made sense. My father rarely talked about his family besides us when we were younger and then he had the accident and totally blanked out for a few years after that. Could they be part of it? The people who showed him the songs, who showed him the woods, the poems, the lake, the people who made my father who he was. 

“Burdie?” he said. 

His stare didn’t part from me at all, as if that way he could make me answer faster. He did. 

“Yes, uhm, my mom’s mother died, so he wanted you to come with the fiddle? He told me to say his name, and that it was urgent.”

“Sure” he was still staring at me as if I was something he longed to know, but I wasn’t sure why. “Tell him me and Tam Amber will be there”

Tam Amber. That name rang a bell, I had listened to my mom call him Tam, he was the guy who made the prosthetics my father used. I had spent a lot of time wondering how we were able to afford such an object, but until now it had never occurred to me that maybe they were gifted to him, that maybe, the family he didn’t talk about did exist, just not in our little bubble.  

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪

The four of us walked back to my house in silence. I was holding Peeta’s hand as much as I could, squeezing would probably be a better adjective. Although they did not make me feel insecure, the sudden presence of them startled me, like I should be watching my back. The rational part of my mind knew my dad would never do something that would purposely put me in danger, but I still couldn’t let go of the fact that they were new to me, new and very much there, walking behind me as if it was the most normal thing to do.

When we arrived my father smiled at me, and then went to hug both of the men behind us. It made the unease in my stomach even bigger. I wanted to understand what was happening, the uncertainty of the situation was starting to get frustrating, way too frustrating for me to handle normally. 

 “Hey, thanks for coming so quickly” I heard him say. 

I felt a deja vu while it was happening. I was sitting down on the couch beside Peeta, and my father was in the dining room next to it. He started to talk with Clerk Carmine and Tam Amberine as soon as they arrived. I didn’t know if he knew we could listen to them, but I wouldn’t be the one telling them either. 

My mother and sister had gone along Haymitch to town.They needed to buy a casket for my grandmother, and then they also needed to arrange everything that a funeral meant. My father had insisted on going, but my mother told her that he was better at home, where he could direct the things that had to be arranged, those things being the so-called men that he asked me to bring. Truly, I think my mother just wanted to be alone for a bit, but it didn’t work that well given that my father still insisted on Prim and Haymitch accompanying her. 

“Nothing to be thankful for. Your little girl is all grown up” one of the voices said, and I tensed up. 

I didn’t like the feeling of being talked about, especially while I could hear the conversation happening. 

“Yeah, she is” he sighed, and it was like I could hear the small smile forming in his face. “She is not my little girl anymore. Even before the games, she had turned into such a brave young woman, I’m really proud of her.”

There was a moment of silence after the mention of the games, as if that had struck a nerve on the other two. Maybe it had, it was not like the games were an easy topic to digest, they meant twenty three, well twenty two in our lucky case, people dying. It amused me, how it was so rooted into our world and people just saw the reaping as an event that had to take place and not necessarily the end of someone’s life in the most brutal and humiliating way possible.

“The games do bring tragedy, though” I think Tam Amber said. 

That he is right about, I felt like every day I lost a piece of my sanity because of the stupid nightmares that the games caused me. But I could sense there was something else to his words, some sort of message only my father was intended to understand. I needed to know what was happening, what was going on with everything around him and these mysterious new acquaintances of his.

“You have to stop blaming her death on Haymitch, he couldn’t have known the gumdrops were poisoned, he had spent weeks out of twelve, out of reach, for him to even suspect something like that.”

Peeta leaned forward a little at the mention of our mentor. I couldn’t blame him much for it, I was as interested to know about it as him. Who was this “she” they were talking about? and how was Haymitch related to her at all? It didn’t make sense, but then again, my father seemed like he was really close to Haymitch before his games, and they were saying the stupid thing was a tragedy. 

“And let’s be real, Lenore Dove wasn’t exactly peaceful and well-behaved” 

Peeta and I made eye contact with each other almost immediately after hearing her name. It was the same one Haymitch and him had said during our first eavesdropping session. So she was related to Clerk Carmine and Tam Amber? How? And what were these gumdrops that killed her? Did she die because she was a trouble-maker? A rebel?

“She reminds me so much of her, your daughter” one of them said. “It surprised me a lot to hear her sing Deep in the Meadow to the little girl in the arena, it also scared me”

“I don’t think it’s safe to talk about that in here” My father said back quickly, almost as if he wanted to silence them. 

I felt Peeta’s hand squeeze mine a little tighter, shooting a worried stare at me and I shook my head, giving him a tiny smile. Of course he would, they had mentioned the games, but for some strange reason, it didn’t ignite anything, must’ve been because of the curiosity I had for this conversation my father was having. How was all of that even related to my father though?

“Oh please, Burdock. We all are already related to Lucy Gray Baird, if that doesn’t put the biggest target on our backs, I don’t know what does.”

Yet another unusual name that sounded just like the other three people I had just learned more about. My father would not live through the interrogation I was slowly preparing in my head without giving me all the answers I needed. And we were related to this Lucy Gray? How? Now I questioned if my sister’s name was intended to sound like one of them, Prim Rose, instead of Primrose. 

“Stop talking about it here!” My father hissed, he sounded scared. “Haymitch explained to me that it wasn’t safe”

“And you go again with the drunk man. What does he even know? It’s even surprising he’s still alive after all the years he’s spent drinking liquor like water” 

Haymitch entered the house with my sister and mother. My mother seems a bit calmer, but desperate for the day to finally end. It surprised me how strong she actually was, first my father and his accident, then almost starving to death, then my games and now her mother’s passing. It pained me a bit, but I knew there was nothing I could do about it besides what I had already.

“Stop it already with that!” My father raised his voice a little. “His family died in a fire before his eyes and he blames himself for it because of a chore he didn’t do, and then the love of his life died in his arms because of a candy he didn’t know was poisoned until it was too late!” 

Haymitch froze in his place at my father's statement. His eyes watering almost immediately. That had happened to him? 

“Him becoming an alcoholic was not even his fault” he cried. The frustration in his voice was palpable, and his voice lowered a little. “I asked Ast to give him sleeping syrup so he could rest because he couldn’t even sleep, and that made him turn into an alcoholic, uncle! It wasn’t his fault!”

Uncle. So these people were related to my father, which meant they were also related to me, but why had they stayed away from us then? Why was it that only until now I was hearing about them? It didn’t make sense, but both of them kept insisting that being related to them already meant danger. Why?

“Sorry, sorry, we know you really love him”

“He is my best friend, Uncle Tam, of course I do.” he sounded like he was trying not to choke tears back from falling. “This was not the point of me asking you to come”

“I know, you want us to sing for your flower girl’s mother, and of course we will, just make sure there are no peacekeepers around” Clerk Carmine said. 

“Of course I will”

Haymitch cleared his throat, as if in that way he could pretend he wasn’t about to cry about what he just heard. He looked at us and swallowed as if he was preparing himself to talk but couldn’t get the words out, that feeling I knew. So when he just shook his head and turned around to leave the house I didn’t blame him one bit. Now more than ever it felt like Haymitch drinking himself to sleep was a light solution compared to how much he had suffered. 

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪

The funeral took place in the afternoon, it was four thirty at most. My father didn’t stop hugging my mother and Prim for one second, and Peeta held my hand as it happened. I was thankful for it, because even though pain wasn’t my companion because of my grandmother's death, it made me feel less lonely. 

I didn’t blame my father for not hugging me, I didn’t even think he knew he was leaving me out of the tiny family moment, but a little spine was placed on my heart. Not because I thought he loved me less, but because I knew he subconsciously thought of me as someone strong, brave, and independent, but I was truly not, more often than not I felt small and intimidated about all that was happening around me, and Peeta somehow had learnt that I felt that way. How? I didn’t know, because those words would never ever leave my mouth voluntarily. 

When almost everyone had left, my father signaled us to come closer. Clerk Carmine and Tam Amber were also there, one with the fiddle and the other one with his mandolin. I didn’t think I had ever seen such fine instruments in twelve, or any instruments at all. 

“Kat, Prim” my father said, sighing while we formed a little circle around the tomb. “This is supposed to be part of you as it is part of me, and though I can’t teach you everything right now, I promise I’ll try my best to  do it gradually from now on” he explained. 

He was now only hugging my mom, who was still crying slightly, and most certainly disconnected from the whole event. 

“This is Covey culture. This is how we say goodbye to our loved ones, girls, and Peeta, since you seem to be a figure that will definitely stick around”

Then the three of them started singing something I had never heard before. My father’s voice was fantastic, that I knew. The Mockingjays always stopped when he started to sing, he joked and said that they did for me and that’s where the little songbirds nickname came from, but it would never be the same as hearing his voice, soothing, relaxing, peaceful, everything that someone singing so angelic should be. 

You're headed for heaven

The sweet old hereafter

And I've got one foot in the door

But before I can fly up

I've loose ends to tie up

Right here, in the old therebefore

It sounded beautiful, but heartbreaking. My mother seemed to react to it, because a small smile formed in her face as she heard my father, who hugged her a bit tighter, as if  that could heal any problem and or pain that she could be feeling at the moment. He loved her so much and vice-versa that it wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone if that was the case. 

I'll be along

When I've finished my song

When I've shut down the band

When I've played out my hand

When I've paid all my debts

When I have no regrets, right here

In the old therebefore

When nothing is left anymore

I saw Haymitch appear a few meters away. Surprisingly he didn’t look drunk, though his eyes were really red and watery. What really surprised me from his presence wasn’t that though, it was most certainly the fact that he was coming from the Meadow. What was he doing there? I didn’t even know that he was aware of the place, but then again, there were a lot of things from him that were a mystery to me. 

I'll catch you up

When I've emptied my cup

When I've worn out my friends

When I've burned out both ends

When I've cried all my tears

When I've conquered my fears

Right here, in the old therebefore

When nothing is left anymore

I had a memory brought in front of my mind. One of when my father taught me The hanging tree and then, the memories of him teaching me the rest of the songs I knew started to appear little by little. Were all these songs part of the Covey he just mentioned? What exactly were they? Who exactly were they and how were we also a part of them? I looked at him while he kept singing and caressing my mother, wondering how much more stuff about him I didn’t know, the more I thought about it, the more scared I was to find out. 

I'll bring the news

When I've danced off my shoes

When my body's closed down

When my boat's run aground

When I've tallied the score

And I'm flat on the floor

Right here, in the old therebefore

When nothing is left anymore

When I'm pure like a dove

When I've learned how to love

Right here, in the old therebefore

When nothing is left anymore

When the song was done there wasn’t someone who didn’t have tears formed in their eyes. Haymitch came closer and stood beside us, me and Peeta, looking at some other tomb that wasn’t my grandma’s. His gaze looked lost, and his posture indicated aching, but I wasn’t about to tell him that. 

We spent a bit in silence, a few minutes. Clerk Carmine and Tam Amber said their good-byes to everyone but Haymitch, not like he looked like he cared. Then it was my dad, mom and Prim, saying that it was best if they took mom home to rest, which of course they were right. My mom looked exhausted, mentally and physically, and I wondered how her grief would be, how hard would it hit her, how much would the death of her mother take from her. 

That left us, Peeta and me, alone with Haymitch. 

“I don’t know how much you heard before, but I feel like I owe it to them to try and redeem myself” he murmured. 

Redeem himself? Did he actually think that we were mad at him? It made no sense. His family and his love had died in a tragic way that was not at all related to him and he still wanted to explain what had happened? Unless he thought we blamed him, that we think it was entirely his fault that they were gone. It wasn’t the case, not even near it, but seeing him there, with his eyes bloodshot red and his head down I was certain he felt that way, that maybe, other people had made him feel that way. 

“Haymitch, you don’t have to…”

“No it’s okay, they deserve to live in more memories than just mine. Like folk songs, my love for them lasts until today, and will last for as long as I live ” He said, and sat down next to a grave a few meters away from us. 

Peeta followed him and pulled my hand while doing it, so I walked behind him almost immediately. It surprised me how strong he had gotten since coming out of the games, though it could also be the fact that I had gotten skinnier and weaker. My muscles were not thanking the countless hours I spent doing nothing around my house. 

“My games are not something you need to know about” he started, shaking his head. “But they weren’t pretty, nor fair. I defied the Capitol and I paid for that, they were my price.” 

I could see he was getting choked up, but I didn’t want to interrupt him and I suspected neither did Peeta. Maybe this was something he needed to get out of his chest, to have a little less weight pondering his heart at all times. 

“Sid was a ray of sunshine, it was like he couldn’t perceive anything negative and wouldn’t let him affect his mood either. Ma was as strong as they come, such a brave and caring soul, even when we had nothing she gave us everything, and Lenore Dove…” he wiped his cheeks and smiled a bit. “She was, no, she is my favorite person in the whole entire world. When she sang she had a choir of birds singing with her, she raised geese and her hair had hints of red in the sunlight.” he smiled as if the sole memory of her made him happy. “My Ma and Sid died hugging each other. My house burnt down with them inside.” he sighed and stood up.

I could see his eyes were filled with tears that he was fighting to contain, but Peeta, as he often did, reacted sooner than I did. 

“Haymitch, you don’t have to, if it’s too painful for you…”

“She died in my arms, because of a goddamn piece of candy that I failed to realize was poison. Clerk Carmine and Tam Amber blame me for that to this day, she was all they had left from the Bairds, from the Covey. She was truly something else, she had the courage of a thousand armies and the heart of a thousand people, always willing to fight for what she thought best and such an empathetic human being, she will always live with me in my memories, in my heart, in my love” he kept talking, smiling slightly at us. “After they died, I pushed everyone away, scared that being near me was dangerous, that it meant that they would also die. Didn’t work much, as you see, Burdock is one to be stubborn and then you came up and became victors so there was no point in keeping him away.” 

But then I came up. Then Peeta and I came up, and straight up defied the games on live television, when there was no one left besides us, where they couldn’t turn their cameras around to ignore what was happening and erase it from the show. It sent a chill down my spine.What did that mean for us? Were they gonna punish us too? Were the star-crossed lovers doomed to be a tragic story? Were we gonna be turned into an example for the victors that were yet to come? 

“I’m not glad that you participated in the games, but I am glad that you both gave me the chance to have a family to look out for” he said, leaving a small pat on Peeta’s shoulder. “Though I really hope you don’t make that a hard task, so, you know, behave”

I smiled at him, still holding on to Peeta’s hand for dear life. Had I made a rebel of myself in front of the president? Haymitch’s words didn’t feel accidental, it seemed more like a warning that he was giving us,  like his story was something we should take a lesson from. Would that mean I should be waiting at any point and time to receive the fatal punishment as a consequence of my actions? Would they blame Peeta as well? I couldn’t stop the overflowing of thoughts from happening, the spiral just kept on getting bigger and bigger, as if it would pull me into it at any point in time. 

“Thank you for helping us get back, Haymitch” Peeta said. “And thank you for telling us about your loved ones”

“Thank you both for listening to me” he said. “Now, I will walk back home on my own. I don’t want to third-wheel your lovey dovey space. Boy, sweetheart”

I rolled my eyes as I watched him go. Of course he wouldn’t be Haymitch if he didn’t make a joke out of a serious moment. At least now I knew I couldn’t blame his humor on alcohol, the jokes and attitudes just came as a complement with him, and I was still deciding if I liked it or not. 

“Seems scary, right?” Peeta murmured after a while. 

It seemed as if he had the same thought spiral. Of course it was scary to think about how much danger had we put our families in, I had put our families in. 

“It does. I don’t want anything happening to them because of me, I wouldn't be able bare that guilt”

Peeta sighed and nodded. He stopped for a moment and hugged me. 

“I know, I wouldn't be able to keep living like that either.” he was caressing my hair, and his chin suddenly rested on my head. 

I would never get tired of Peeta’s comfort, that more often than not, came along with a strong smell of cinnamon and sugar.

“Let’s hope it never comes to that”

Chapter Text

"pick somewhere and just run"

The tour was supposed to start at the end of november and beginning of december, and we were there, as of today people were traveling from the capitol to get me and Peeta ready for the big interview that would mark the beginning of it all. Time had gone away faster than I could comprehend and it scared me, mostly because the nightmares and panic attacks weren’t going away, though my relationship with food had stabilized, it wasn’t that great either, at least not according to my family, Haymitch and Peeta. 

I had returned to the woods and to hunt again, mostly by myself. My father had started to come with me now and then, but it wasn’t that often, he decided that it was good for me to spend time by myself in the woods, that he could see the effect it was having on my mental state, and though I didn’t see what he meant, I wouldn’t complain about it either. With all the time I was about to spend it the spotlight during my visits to the Capitol, anytime that I had for myself by myself, I would definitely agree upon. 

 Going to hunt again also meant that I could gather by myself the herbs my mom used for her unofficial apothecary, so I spent a lot of time watching them, and carefully picking the plants that saved lifes of the people who couldn’t afford going to town for a remedy for their achings. It made me feel good, in some sort of way, to know that even after having blood-stained hands that would never wash off, I could also help to keep people alive, to cure, to be good.

Gathering herbs became such an ease to my mind, that I ended up spending more time in the woods hunting and doing it than at home. That’s when Peeta came in and asked for something, time. I couldn’t blame him, I had told him that I was willing to try and go beyond a friendship with him, and we had been doing that. At first it was different, because I was barely mentally present, so he knew I couldn’t give him much and it was sufficient, because even in my state, we spent time together, mostly him trying stuff out to figure out some strategy to help me. 

So when eventually I started leaving the house for long periods of time, we didn’t see each other as much, that’s when his request came in. It made sense, but I didn’t want to stay at the house doing nothing, it scared me that doing nothing would put me back in the state just after the games, walking around in town were people could gossip wasn’t my favorite idea either, and Peeta was still a bit reluctant on coming to the woods with me because of his prosthetic. It was kind of hard to find a solution for it, but eventually we figured it out. 

Peeta was an excellent painter, even magnificent wouldn’t be good enough if I wanted to describe him, and since I spent so much time gathering herbs and my dad had forgotten about tons of them, we decided that doing a botanic book would be our best option. I would spend some of my mornings hunting and gathering some kind of herb or plant that then would go to Peeta’s hand, and while he painted I wrote about it. Sometimes we had long conversations and other times we were just fine in each other’s silence. 

Being with Peeta was pleasant, therapeutic even. We were really growing close to each other, and surprisingly, what I thought would feel like drowning in a lake of ghosts full of fears and scenarios where evil was the one and only leader, felt like the opposite. Being by his side felt peaceful, even almost magical for some reason. There was something in him that simply emanated peace. Sure, I couldn’t ignore the imminent danger that being a citizen of Panem and a victor was, but with him, it got very close to that. 

That was one of those days. I had spent all my morning, since five am, in the woods, though mostly hunting than collecting herbs. It was around ten thirty, or so I thought, based on the place the sun had in the sky, almost in the center but not quite yet.  It was a neutral day, I wasn’t too happy or ecstatic about being alive, but the flashbacks and the memories of the games weren’t haunting me as much as they usually did. 

There was a big gravity force in my mind asking me to go to Peeta’s house, and I wouldn’t deny the request. It was becoming easier, admitting that I did want to spend time with him, demonstrating that I too liked being by his side, even though maybe I too liked him more than he thought I did. Demonstrating my feelings was becoming a bit easier than before, a little bit more freeing, but it wasn’t that easy yet. 

“Catnip” I heard, as I was putting my bow and arrows in the usual hollow trunk that kept them safe. 

I jumped a little for his sudden appearance. Of course he would be in the woods, it was a sunday, and that was his only free day to come to the woods to taste some freedom for a little while, and to collect what his tramps had caught during the week. It was a bit easier during the winter, the animals that were dead because of the tramps didn’t rot right away, so it gave him time to fetch them himself. 

“Gale” I said back, evading his search for my gaze. 

I was still pissed about the way he had talked to me after I shot him. Sure he had a right to be mad, I would be pissed as well if he had done it to me, but something about the way he had talked about killing people, something with the way he seemed so detached from it, as if it didn’t matter. I tried to understand why he would feel that way, but then again, I knew that no one that hadn’t been in the arena would actually understand the terrors of coming out of it, the ghosts that followed you around because of the constant feeling of imminent danger. 

“When did you start coming back?” he said, still looking at me. 

“Couple of weeks ago, few days after my grandmother died, actually” I explained it to him, though I’m not really sure why. 

No, actually I know why. Even if I’m still mad at him, Gale’s still my best friend, my hunting partner, the one who went through starvation and learning how to hunt with me, that’s why I tell him, and that’s also why I made an effort to stop being so mad at him, even if he deserved it, because I’ve missed him dearly. 

“So you’ve been feeling better, then?”  

There was something in the way he said it that made me mad. As if he was implying that me being affected by becoming a murderer was something I should’ve taken lightly and forgotten immediately. I knew I would never forget, more so, they’re deaths will be with me for the rest of my life, and I prefer it that way, to remind me how precious and lucky the fact of being alive and at twelve is. 

“As better as one can be with the fact that I killed people hovering over my existence” I answered, visibly irritated. 

“Oh come on, I thought you would’ve gotten over that already by now”

“Why do you think taking life away from someone is as easy as killing an animal, Gale?” I almost shouted at him, and then shook my head. “I will never get over it, the blood that’s in my hands will never wash away”

“It was for your own survival, just as your little act with the baker’s boy!” he shouted back, and I took a step away from him, frowning. 

Why was he under the impression that what happened with Peeta was a lie? Did anyone else think about us that way? I knew I wasn’t the most amazing person in the world showing feelings, but after risking your life multiple times for someone that was almost dying either way, you’d think people would get that I at least cared about him. 

“It doesn’t take away the fact that they are dead right now, dead because of me” I told him, starting to make my way out of the woods. “And I don’t know why are you under the impression that what happened with Peeta is a lie”

He grabbed my wrist and stopped me, and even when I tried to get away, it was useless, he had way more strength than me, partly because he worked as a miner, and partly because I was barely eating and had lost a lot of my own muscles and strength. Being trapped by something as simple as his hands made me realize how dangerous me being this weak was, and it scared me, probably more than it should’ve. 

“Don’t tell me you’re actually in love with the bread boy” he laughed at me. 

But more than a fun laugh, it was a frustrated laugh, as if he couldn’t believe the words that had come out of my mouth just a few moments ago. 

“I think it’s none of your business” I yanked my wrist away from him as he lost a bit of force on it. “It’s only mine and Peeta’s, but what I can say it’s that it wasn’t fake then and it isn’t now.” 

And before I could figure out what he was doing, I felt his lips pressed against mine, and his hand holding me, making it impossible for me to yank away from him, one on my neck, and one on my waist. Why was he kissing me? Since when did he think it was okay to just do something like that? It made no sense, that he felt entitled to it, and it made even less sense because he had never given me signs that kissing me was something he wanted to do. 

I broke away as I could, and slapped him. 

“Unless you’re going to respect how I think and how I feel, unless you respect me” I started talking, my breath was shaky, and my hands were now in fists, holding my game bag in an attempt to not lose my sanity “Don’t come near me again. And Gale? It’s Peeta Mellark for you, not the baker’s boy or bread boy, put some respect on him, he kept me alive in there”

And then I ran. I don’t know for how much or for how long, but it was all I could do. I wanted to find someone who could tell me that everything was okay before the panic attack was strong enough for me to be unable to think straight, before my ability to talk, to walk, to see, were stripped away from me. It was a sunday, which also meant it was a restocking day in the bakery, which also meant Peeta would spend the morning helping his father, which meant he was probably there, turning the bakery the safest place my mind could think of before it was to late for me to be able to seek help. So I picked the way and just ran.

I didn’t arrive at the front door, I did it at the back, where I would often trade with the baker, with Otho, the game that could or that I had for the day, but I could only hope Peeta found me first, that he recognize the knocking on the back door and opened to help me calm down. I still had a bunch of meat on me to sell that also made me a prey for the Peacekeepers, if they found out about it, it probably wouldn’t be good news for me. 

Someone opened the door, and though I couldn’t focus my sight well enough to recognize the person that way, the strong smell of cinnamon and turpentine gave it away immediately. At least that had worked in my favor. Peeta had opened the door, but my voice was already gone, and I could feel my legs were starting to get shaky. I was even starting to lose the sense of where I was. How did I get here? Where had I run to?

I hated it, hated that Gale had caused something like that, it didn’t make sense, why would it trigger me? But if I thought about it enough, it was probably because of the fact that he made me feel in danger again, that after being able to embrace security and familiarity in the woods, he had disrespected me, and trapped me in there, and that made me feel attacked, unsafe, as if I had to run for my life because someone was about to kill me.

“Kat?” he said, climbing off the couple stairs that separated us and hugging me almost immediately. “What happened? Is everything okay?”

I shook my head, unable to talk. It wasn’t, I wasn’t okay. It felt horrible, to feel this endangered again, to feel this weak again, to realize that my progress was built on a sand foundation that Gale had decided to just blow away with his actions, that once again, I was feeling trapped in my mind without knowing what to do.

I was choked up, tears were starting to fall down my eyes and as much as I was trying my best not to break down sobbing, I wasn’t being that successful at it. I could feel Peeta looking at both sides and taking my something off of me to then guide me through the place we were in. It didn’t matter that much, for I knew Peeta wouldn’t endanger me on purpose. 

“It’s okay, breath with me, deep breaths Kat”

His voice was soothing, soft, as if he was talking to someone injured but didn’t want them to feel weak; which was probably what he was doing, as he had perfected the way he used to help me calm down. I had spent a while without hearing it, so although I would always love the way Peeta’s voice made me feel, it frustrated me the most that he had to come back to a technique that I had thought I had forgotten.

After a few minutes of breathing, my sight came back, and my smell did as well. The sweet scent of freshly baked bread flooded my nose, and helped me even more to calm down. I knew Peeta was still mumbling sweet nothings, and that I was still in his arms. I was then aware of where we were, and the scene that I had escaped from was repeating again and again in my mind.

Why had he done that? Had I given him signs that I felt something more than friendship towards him? and since when did he feel that way towards me? It pained to think about it, to think that I had lost my best friend because of something that was out of my control, out of my reach. 

“Hey” Peeta said, as my breathing normalized. He was cupping my cheek in one of his hands, big enough for it to fit perfectly. “Good to have you back”

I smiled slightly as he wiped the tears from my face, and nodded softly.

“Sorry for that, I started panicking and you were the safest place my mind thought of” I admit, slightly blushed at my confession.

It made him smile wide, which also widened my smile a little. Him having a pretty and comforting smile it’s just an objective fact.

“Why then Miss Everdeen, I’m so very pleased that you think of me that way, having so many people to run to, you ran to me. What a compliment that the girl on fire thinks of me as a safe spot for her” he imitated Effie’s accent and failed, but it made me laugh, which is probably his own objective “That puts you in first place of my lists forever”

I nod, and leave a tiny peck on his cheek, still blushed because of the tiny interaction.

“It better stay that way, I like you too much for you to be having me at any other place” The words left my mouth before my mind processes them.

A flutter made a presence in my stomach as I noticed what I just did. Yes, he and I were spending tons of time together and we subconsciously knew what we were trying to achieve, but this was the first time I had said it out loud, that I admitted to him that I liked him. I hadn’t been able to before, scared that the confession would make things too real for me to handle, for me to understand, but this moment, this reaction, the fact that my mind had run to him and let the confession slip, just confirmed my feelings even more.

“What? I didn’t understand, say that again, please” he said.

He was smiling wider than I had ever seen him before, and I knew he had heard it, and because of that he wanted me to repeat it, to make sure it was real, to make sure he didn’t misunderstand, to make sure the feelings that he had for me were finally reciprocated, or at least partly. 

I rolled my eyes, and laughed a little. Suddenly I had an urge to tease him.

“What? That I like being at the top of your lists? I thought you already knew that, bread boy”

He laughed and tickled me slightly, breaking a laugh off of me. Peeta Mellark was truly some human being. It melted me the way he had gotten to know me so carefully, the way he had taken his time to actually understand corners of my mind that even I didn’t get to decipher. I appreciated that the most, the patience he had with me, the way he didn’t make me feel judged because of how I thought, felt, or acted. 

“You know what I want you to say, girl on fire” 

I rolled my eyes again, unable to contain the smile that had formed on my lips. Damn you, Peeta Mellark. 

“Oh, that I like you? I didn’t know it was that important to you, bread boy”

He laughed again, and hugged me tightly, as if I could suddenly disappear from his sight at any moment, but I didn’t felt trapped, I felt protected, I had the knowledge that if I wanted to, he would let me go, he would not hold me back, because he knew me, because he was the most caring and respectful human being on earth after Prim. 

“Thank you, Kat”

“Me? Why 's that?”

“Because you didn’t give up” he answered, leaving a small kiss on my lips. 

I smiled at him again, nodding subtly, only for him to capture it. This was Peeta, sweet Peeta, the one that would wait centuries for me to feel better and never leave my side while at it. 

“Peeta, have you finished with the sugar sacks already? Your father needs th…” 

A female voice became present on the scene, and my heart raced again. I knew she didn’t like me, or my father. Peeta’s mother had slammed the door on us way more times than I could recall. She was mean and egotistic in all the ways the word could apply, so to be standing there, embracing her son while he should be working, wasn’t a great scenario for either one of us. 

“I’m almost done, there are only a couple of them left.”

She took a look at me and then returned her gaze back to Peeta. I stared at her without looking away, analyzing if my presence there would cause him trouble. 

“What is she doing here? I thought I was clear with my words, Peeta.” 

I frowned. She had told him stuff about me already? I really didn't like her, I couldn’t quite comprehend why she was so hateful towards us. What had the Seam people done to her that she hated us so much? Or was it because of my mother? Did they have a rivalry I didn’t know of? Still, she didn’t give me much time to think about it, because before I knew it she had already thrown my game bag against me. When did it come off?

“Get out of here girl, I don’t need you causing more trouble or bringing Peacekeepers to the house” she was almost yelling, and for a moment I was way too stunned to actually speak. 

Who did she think she was? Talking to me as if I was trash. 

“Eira? What is going on? Why are you yelling?” Otho arrived at the scene before I was able to make something I would regret later. 

She stopped as she heard him, and I just saw Peeta’s back as he stood almost immediately before me. I knew his mother was capable of a lot more than yelling, but for some reason it absolutely surprised me to see him stand in front of me to take whatever she was going to do instead. It shouldn’t have though, he was more than willing to die for me in that arena. 

“Your son brought that seam trash girl here!” she yelled, and I had to bite my tongue not to say something to her, not to cause more trouble for Peeta. 

Truth is, I came here on my own, as I always did, but she wouldn’t have that, as she was already mad, and convinced that I was some kind of dangerous criminal. Not that I wasn’t kind of a criminal, but I wouldn't say that I was that dangerous, not to them, at least. 

“Don’t talk about her like that!” Peeta said. He sounded mad, so mad that it was the first time since I met him that I had listened to that tone of voice on him. “She’s not trash, and she certainly hasn’t done anything for you to treat her like that!”

I was now watching the scene from behind Peeta’s shoulder. My eyes didn’t go to Eira, but to Otho instead. I wanted to talk, to tell Peeta that it was okay, that I would go, but I felt like an intruder already, if I talked my voice would probably only make the fight even bigger than it was already projected to be. Otho was troubled, or at least he looked like he was, his gaze changed from Eira to Peeta constantly, and he was taking way more to talk than I had anticipated him to. 

“Who do you think you are to talk to me like that, Peeta Mellark?” she yelled back.

“Peeta, why don’t you and Katniss go to y’all’s house? I’ll take it from here” Otho’s soothing voice directed to Peeta gained both of our attention.

He was probably right, getting in a fight with her wouldn’t be wise at all. Peeta tensed up a little and nodded, turning around to see me. He looked troubled and mad, but didn’t say anything to me, he just smiled slightly. 

“Let’s just go Kat” 

“Wait” I said, walking towards Mr Mellark and taking something from my game bag. 

He had been gifting tons of pastries to Prim after school, when she went back to the house, cupcakes, buns, strudels, whatever was fresh that day, and I wasn’t any fool, I knew they costed money, not only for selling, but for making also, so I had manage to hunt something big enough for him to be a fair trade. I knew that his intention wasn't to make it seem like his gifts to my sister were a trade, but I couldn’t let it pass just like that, I was way too much of a seam girl to be able to just accept it. 

“Here, it’s kinda small, but I couldn’t just bring two big ones on my own.” I had managed to hunt two turkeys that morning, and it just seemed fair to give him one of them 

Originally the plan was to make Peeta bring it to them, but seeing as I was already there and Peeta wouldn’t come back for the day, it was just better for me to give it to them already. I put the turkey in his hands and smiled a little. 

“I tried my best for it to be as clean as possible, though it would be good if you checked before cooking it, I could’ve made a mistake, since I had to come off early” 

“Thank you, girl. Tell your parents and sister I said hi”

“I will”

Peeta took my hand and helped me walk out of the house, and I let him guide me. The streets are already all covered in snow, which surprised me, not because it’s there, but because I sprinted all the way over here managing not to fall head straight to the ground. Maybe my out of my mind state isn’t as helpless as I pictured her to be. We are a few blocks away from the bakery when Peeta talks. It amazed me that it took him that much, but then again I think about the way his mother talked and can’t help but wonder if that’s the way she treats him. 

“What triggered your episode?”

I thought about a lot of things after he asked, mostly about lying to him. I wondered how he would react and how he would take the fact that Gale had kissed me without my consent. For some reason I couldn’t bring myself to picture him mad, or pissed, at least not at me, but with all and all, I didn’t want him to doubt about what I feel, I didn’t want  him to doubt me overall, and that’s why I ended up telling him the truth. 

“I encountered Gale in the forest today” I started, sighing at the memory of it. “He asked me if I was finally over all my feelings about the game and I got pissed. He then said something about us being fake and I got mad” I let it all out, without being able to look at him directly, I didn’t find the courage for that.  “I told him we are very much real, and then he kissed me, and I yelled again, slapped him and ran to you.”  the volume of my voice decreased with every word I said, but I can’t lie to him, not to Peeta. 

Peeta kept walking, and I walked by his side expecting him to say something. We are getting closer to the village, and that only means the show’s about to start. It made me nervous, to think we have to turn lovey-dovey for the capitol again. Not that we aren’t, but not in the way they’d expect anyway. 

“That was it? He didn’t hurt you? He didn’t do something else? Not that kissing you without your consent isn’t bad on its own, but you know what I mean.” He talked and stopped walking, now cupping my face with his hands. 

He looked worried, and his thumbs were now caressing my cheeks. His blue eyes were always full of emotion, of love I could only dare to wish and hope was reserved only for me, as selfish as it seemed.

“I’m okay, I ran to you as soon as it happened”

He nodded and hugged me again, now stroking my hair slightly. 

“Is there something I could do to help you with it? What role would you want me to play in this whole scenario?” He said. 

I buried myself deeper in his arms, partly because of the comfort he gave me, and partly because of the cold weather that was freezing my fingers. I didn’t know how he did it, probably because his body had gotten used to the temperature the bakery always was, but Peeta was always warm, no matter the weather, no matter the year station we were in. 

“What do you mean?” I asked, a bit confused by his words. 

“I mean, if he confronts me about it, what should I do? Or tell him? What are our boundaries on this?” He sounded very concerned about the whole thing. “I can be a pretty intimidating boyfriend if you want me to” he joked, leaving a kiss on my forehead. 

I let out a muffled laugh, still in his embrace. Oh boy, Peeta Mellark was truly rooting in my heart faster than I thought. 

“It’s not like I hate him, you know? He’s my best friend, and we bonded over something only the two of us share. I love him. ” I sighed “But he’s been pissing me off real bad lately, I don't know what has gotten into him, he wasn’t like this before the games”

Peeta stroked my hair and rested his chin on my head. 

“Because there wasn’t a Peeta Mellark in your life”

“Ha ha bread boy, you are so funny” I rolled my eyes after hearing him. 

“I know I am” he laughed. “But I mean it. There was no other person who could be as important for you as he was, and he probably thought that you both felt the same, whatever he is feeling, but now there’s me in the picture and you haven’t seen him as much since coming out of the arena, so everything about you two changed over night” he explained, and he actually sounded right. 

“Maybe you’re right” I mumbled, frustrated. “We will have to talk about it eventually, me and him. He truly means a lot to me, I don’t want to lose him over this”

“I know” Peeta left another kiss on my head and I smiled. “So, what should I do?”

I wondered a lot in my mind about the possible scenarios that could come out of it. I didn’t want Peeta getting into disputes with Gale, specially since I knew how much of a stubborn head Gale was, not so different from me, that’s why we were friends and why we remained alive, and while I knew Peeta wasn’t one for confrontation, he wasn’t one for getting attacked just for free either. 

“Tell him that you are indeed my boyfriend and that nothing is going to change that soon, not him, not anyone” I said, enjoying the lingering sensation that the word boyfriend left on my tongue. “But if he seems way to stubborn about it, send him to me, I’ll handle it”

Peeta laughed and hugged me tighter, I smiled and closed my eyes. This man will be the death of me I thought at the same time. 

“Right, I forget that I have a very intimidating girlfriend, maybe I should put that to use more often”

“Oh very mature, Peeta Mellark”

“Of course, Katniss Everdeen”

He broke the embrace and left a tiny kiss on my lips, making me blush even more than the coldness of the day already had. I crossed my eyes over my chest and looked at him, waiting for him to say something else. I didn’t want to let go, I really liked the moment we were having and the little capsule we were trapped in, but I also knew there would be a whole crew of people arriving at our houses sooner than later, and we would have to be prepared to welcome them in. 

“But seriously, thank you for telling me, and trusting me. I’m glad you think of me as a safe space”

“You are the safe space, bread boy” I joked, trying to ease the seriousness that had formed between us, and it worked because he laughed and then left a tiny kiss on my forehead. 

“Very well then, girl on fire, go to your house so you can change and welcome your prep team, I’ll take care of Haymitch” he said, nodding slightly. 

I nodded back and started to walk towards my house, noticing even more how slippery the streets had become. My game bag was still over my shoulder when I entered the house, with everything that had happened I had forgotten to go to the Hob to sell all the meat. I would have to ask my father to do it for me, since we were leaving for the tour. And just as I was taking off my wet boots, my mother almost ran to me and took it off. It bugged me, her reaction didn’t make sense at all. I looked up at her puzzled, waiting for her to say something. 

“Don’t worry about the shoes and the bag, I know the flowers and herbs of the meadow are quite a thing to hold on to in this weather” she said, looking at me as if she desperately wanted me to understand something. 

Then my father appeared, and I became aware of people I hadn’t seen before. Head to toe in fancy black suits and sunglasses, with a tiny microphone attached to their mouths and something else to their ears. My heart started to race, what were capitolites doing in my home? It wasn’t normal, I had never seen them out of the Capitol, besides the escorts that had to work as staff for the games, and probably the stylists that sneaked here and there on the cameras in the Victory Tours. 

“Did you have a good walk, Niss?” he asked, smiling nervously towards me. The absence of his usual songbird startled me, but I didn’t let it show.

“More like skating, it’s getting really slippery out there, the snow it’s starting to freeze the streets” I lied, trying to sound as smooth and calm as possible. 

Something was definitely not okay. 

Prim appeared behind my dad, and my stomach started to feel an awful emptiness that made me feel even worse than before. At least we were together at home, safe, or as safe as one could be in Panem. I repeated that again and again in my head, trying to assure myself that everything was going to be okay, that no matter what, they were safe from the games, which was possibly one of the worst possible fate of all, at least they were safe from all the tragic deaths my nightmares had made sure on showing me. 

“Someone’s here to see you” she said. Her hand was holding on to my dads as if he would vanish at any point in time. 

That made me even more nervous than I already was, and that mixed with the panic attack I had before wasn’t a good sign for me, or for anyone really. 

“I thought they weren’t due until noon. Why would Cinna come so early?”

“Niss, it’s not-” my father started, but one of the men in suits interrupted him. 

“This way Miss Everdeen, please” he pointed to the hallway, and once I had taken off my boots completely I followed his instruction.

As I walked in the direction he pointed out, I smiled at my family, trying to reassure them that everything was okay. 

“It’s probably more instructions for the tour, don’t worry about it”

But as I approach the door of the study, my mind races as fast as my heart, and I can’t help but wonder who could be here that was so important? This amount of security wasn’t a coincidence, it would never be, with the capitol nothing was, not really. 

“Go right in” The same man instructed me, and I followed his instructions.

As I twisted the door knob, a shiver went down my spine because of a strong rose scent that became present in the air. It didn’t feel right, this sudden presence, the wave of fear that was overcoming my mind, the signals that my body was sending, as if I should've ran the other way. 

A small white-haired man was sitting in front of the desk, he seemed vaguely familiar, and held up a finger to me as if asking for a moment to finish reading the book between his hands. Then he completely turned towards me and my heart almost fully stopped. It felt like one of my worst nightmares had come true and all the little positive statements weren’t worth a penny. 

Because next thing I know, I’m staring into the presence of President Snow.

Chapter Text

"aren't you way too busy taking care of everybody to take care of yourself?"

I stayed dumbfounded before the President, and stared at him like I was hoping for him to disappear completely before my eyes. For a second I forgot how to breathe. It felt disrupting to be watching him in a room in my home, perfectly dressed and slicked back hair. It doesn’t make sense, at least not at first, but I don’t question it, I know better than to question the President. 

My mind then raced to think about his motive to be at my house, first going through the Victory Tour but descarting it rapidly after comparing it with the other one’s I’ve seen in the past. For some reason, his presence makes me feel helpless, and I don’t like it, not one bit. If he flew all the way back from the capitol to my own home in district twelve it can only mean one thing, I’m in trouble, serious trouble. 

I couldn’t help but think about the conversation we had with Haymitch during my grandmother’s funeral, and how he was punished for his own acts in the arena. I then thought about my own. How I often escaped to the woods to hunt, even though the fence was supposed to keep us in, how I defied the capitol and the games with my crazy-in-love with Peera charade, and how that meant that I also directly defied him, which not only put me in danger, but my family, Peeta, his family, Haymitch, and probably even Gale himself and his family. 

“I think we'll make this whole situation a lot simpler by agreeing not to lie to each other,” he says. “What do you think?”

I felt my voice getting stuck in my throat as I saw him sitting in the chair in front of me. 

“Yes, I think that would save time” 

He smiled, and another shiver was sent down my spine. He looked like a snake, venomous and dangerous, his presence spoke danger out loud, as if he had spent years perfecting the way he would project himself towards the people he wanted to intimidate. I didn’t spend too much time wondering about it, because it certainly was working with me.

 “My advisors were concerned you would be difficult, but you're not planning on being difficult, are you?” he asked. 

He put the book down on the desk, and kept smiling at me, to then signal the chair in front of him. I sat down, without being able to part my gaze from his figure as if that would immediately put me in danger of dying right there and then. 

“No” I told him, sitting down as he expected me to do. 

“That's what I told them. I said any girl who goes to such lengths to preserve her life isn't going to be interested in throwing it away with both hands. And then there's her family to think of. Her mother, her sister, and all those ... cousins.” 

By the way he lingered on the word cousins , I could tell he knew that Gale and I didn't share a family tree and then I obviously noticed the way he excluded Peeta and his own family of his little speech, but I didn’t say anything, the courage to do it was left outside this room.  It’s a direct threat, he knew what he was saying, so i don’t take the safety they hold for granted. 

“I have a problem, Miss Everdeen,” said President Snow. “A problem that began the moment you pulled out those poisonous berries in the arena.” 

I thought about the moment that I put the nightlocks on me and Peeta’s hands. The way it was a clear statement that it was the both of us or neither of us going home, and the way that it had worked, for we were both in twelve, preparing for our victory tour. That was also the moment when I guessed that if the Gamemakers had to choose between watching Peeta and me commit suicide—which would mean having no victor— and letting us both live, they would take the latter.

“If the Head Gamemaker, Seneca Crane, had had any brains, he'd have blown you to dust right then. But he had an unfortunate sentimental streak. So here you are. Can you guess where he is?” he asked, smiling slightly. 

Dead. That was the only correct answer to his rhetorical question. Very much dead, blown to bits himself. Suddenly the smell of roses became stronger, as well as the imminent companionship of blood. I looked at him and spotted the white rose in his handkerchief pocket. Nausea washed over me as a big strong wave that didn’t make sense at all. 

“After that, there was nothing to do but let you play out your little scenario. And you were pretty good, too, with the love-crazed schoolgirl bit. The people in the Capitol were quite convinced. Unfortunately, not everyone in the districts fell for your act” 

My face must have registered at least a flicker of confusement, because he addressed it.

“This, of course, you don't know. You have no access to information about the mood in other districts. In several of them, however, people viewed your little trick with the berries as an act of defiance, not an act of love. And if a girl from District Twelve of all places can defy the Capitol and walk away unharmed, what is to stop them from doing the same?” he kept talking. “What is to prevent, say, an uprising?”  

It took me a few seconds to process entirely what he was saying and then it hit me, the actual seriousness of what he was implying.

“There have been uprisings?” I asked, not knowing how to feel about the possibility of what he just said. 

Did I cause that? Did my desperate attempt to remain alive cause the ignition of something else?

“Not yet. But they'll follow if the course of things doesn't change. And uprisings have been known to lead to revolution.” President Snow rubbed a spot over his left eyebrow, the very spot where I myself get headaches. “Do you have any idea what that would mean? How many people would die? What conditions those left would have to face? Whatever problems anyone may have with the Capitol, believe me when I say that if it released its grip on the districts for even a short time, the entire system would collapse.” 

I was taken aback by the directness and even the sincerity of this speech. As if his primary concern is the welfare of the citizens of Panem, when nothing could be further from the truth. I didn’t know how I dared to say the next words, but I did. “It must be very fragile, if a handful of berries can bring it down.” 

He paused for a long moment while he analyzed me, my posture, my way of talking, even the way I was looking at him. 

“It is fragile, but not in the way you’d expect it to be, Miss Everdeen.”

There was a knock on the door, and that made us both redirect our attention to it, and then Prim’s head appeared by the small opening forming. I smiled slightly to reassure her it was okay, although I didn’t know if it was more for her or for me. 

“Would you like tea and pastries?”

Snow smiled at her, and that made me even more scared for her safety than I already was. I wished I could tell her to run, to turn the other way, to stop letting him look at her, it terrified me, him getting to look at her in a closer manner. 

“I would” he said, and she entered with a tray that held the delicate pottery set that my mother had brought to the Seam when she married dad. “Set it here darling, please” he taps the book in the center and I manage to catch a glimpse of the title, 1984, I hadn’t heard of it before, but then again, there weren't many places where one could acquire a book at will. 

The tray beside the teapot and cups, also held a stack of cookies and cupcakes, beautifully made and decorated, pretty flowers made of glaze sitting on top of them, and that means they could only have been made by Peeta. The thought of him warms my heart and I can’t decide If I would want him to be here with me or not.

“What a warming welcome. You know, it’s funny how often people forget that presidents need to eat too.” He said charmingly towards Prim, who just smiled politely and nodded, a bit more relaxed.

“Can I get you anything else?”

“No my darling, this suffices, thank you” he said and then looked at the door with his eyes,  making an obvious signal that she has to go. He pours tea for the both of us, but I don’t dare to drink, for the nausea in my stomach hits harder with the sight of food.

“I didn't mean to start any uprisings,” I told him. 

“I believe you. It doesn't matter. Your stylist turned out to be prophetic in his wardrobe choice. Katniss Everdeen, the girl who was on fire, you have provided a spark that, left unattended, may grow to an inferno that destroys Panem,” he said.

 “Why don't you just kill me now?” I blurted out. 

“Publicly?” he asked again, laughing slightly. “That would only add fuel to the flames.” 

“Arrange an accident, then,” I proposed. 

“Who would buy it?” he rolled his eyes, still laughing at my ideas. “Not you, if you were watching.”

 “Then just tell me what you want me to do. I'll do it,” I answered almost pleadingly. 

“If only it were that simple.” He picked up one of the flowered cookies and examined it. “Lovely. Your mother made these? Also, tell your father he can absolutely opt for a better prosthetic, father of one of our darling victors after all” 

“Peeta.” And for the first time, I found I couldn't hold his gaze. I reached for my tea but set it back down when I heard the cup rattling against the saucer. To covered it quickly and take a cookie. “And I’ll tell him about it, he’ll be happy to regain some mobility” I whispered back.

“Peeta. What a lovely boy. How is the love of your life?” he asks. 

“Good,” I say. I didn’t want to give him information about him, about us, I didn’t want him to weaponize our relationship more than he already has. 

“At what point did he realize the exact degree of your indifference?” he asked, dipping his cookie in his tea. 

“I'm not indifferent,” I almost barked back. True, I wasn't about to give him a full confession letter about my feelings for Peeta, but I wouldn’t let him disrespect us either. 

 “But perhaps not as taken with the young man as you would have the country believe,” he answered, looking at me carefully. 

“Who says I'm not?” I frowned. Not that I cared what people say about me, but if they were going to talk behind our backs I surely didn’t want Peeta to be painted as a fool. 

“I do,” says the president. “And I wouldn't be here if I were the only person who had doubts, but perhaps I’m mistaken. How's the handsome cousin?”

“I don't know... I don't...” My revulsion at this conversation, at discussing my feelings for two of the people I care most about with President Snow, choked me off. Besides there is also the awful flashback of Gale holding me back and kissing me in the morning in the forest, I felt disgusted, and the nausea increased.

“Speak, Miss Everdeen. Him I can easily kill off if we don't come to a happy resolution,” he said. “You aren't doing him a favor by disappearing into the woods with him each Sunday.” 

But I was not, that was a problem, because today was the first time after the incident that I had encountered Gale in the woods, but apparently he doesn’t know that. But if he knows I go to the woods, what else does he know? Did he actually know about the kiss that had happened just before? The one that caused me to panic and run to Peeta? The one that was more of a burden than a satisfaction for me?

“Please don't hurt Gale,” I whispered, because I was indeed mad with him, but not to the extent of not pleading for his life to the President. “He's just my friend. He's been my friend for years. That's all that's between us. Besides, everyone thinks we're cousins now.”

 “I'm only interested in how it affects your dynamic with Peeta, thereby affecting the mood in the districts,” he said.

“It doesn’t, there’s nothing between us, there has never been and there will never be”

“You seem surprisingly honest, I’m stumped” he admitted, forwarding a bit in his chair towards me. 

“Because I am, I’ll convince them on the tour” I said, so sure of myself that it almost scared me. 

He laughed a little and nodded, shrieking his eyes a bit. 

“Aim higher in case you fall short”

“Aim higher? What do you mean?”

“Oh Miss Everdeen, convince me” 

I’m left on mute after his words, and my voice hides even deeper as he stands up and whispers in my ear, as if he was reading my mind and just waiting for the perfect moment to let me know that all the privacy I thought I had, is indeed fake. 

“By the way, I know about the kiss”

I sat alone in silence a few minutes in the study, or at least that’s how it felt. My mind raced to a pace that I didn’t think was even achievable for a human being, and so did my heart. Everyone was in danger because of me. Was this what Haymitch talked about with my father? Were these the dangers of becoming a victor? Being at and for Snow’s will only? I felt helpless. 

My whole body felt heavy, and breathing felt like a thousand needles were going through my nostrils. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t, wanted to run but I didn’t feel my legs, wanted to yell but my voice was far gone, so I sat there, in the quiet of the study, dumbfounded and bathed in a fear I had never felt before, not even in the arena. One thing was dying yourself, and a whole other thing was to watch those who you love die because of your actions. 

“Kat?” 

A voice made me jump from my seat and reach my back as if I was about to take my bow and shoot someone, but I wasn’t, because my bow was still in the hollow trunk in the forest. Did Snow know about that too? Were there cameras in the only place in the whole country that made me feel safe?

“Kat, it’s okay, it’s me,” Peeta said, approaching me carefully. 

The weight of my shoulders fell off, and I ran to him almost immediately, longing for the comfort of his arms to take off all the burdens that Snow had just put on me. I wanted to disappear in his scent, and never have to look at the capitol, at the districts, at people again. I couldn’t manage anymore, the fact that my existence endangered my family hovered over me

“We are in so much trouble” I told him, and with that, the whole conversation with President Snow fell off my tongue to his ears.

I was still terrified of what it meant, terrified that saying this to him would put him in danger also, but I knew that if I didn’t it would cause me more trouble, we needed to work together, to figure out something to make the people believe, to make him believe. I hated how much he was asking from us, pacifying districts as if it was nothing, as if the fault for the fury of the people was ours, when in reality it was his.

But there was no use in debating that, on looking who to blame. The responsibility of fixing it was now ours, and whatever that meant, at least we knew we could trust each other the most, and we could work with each other as if our lives depended on it, cause they quite literally did. 

Why would the president let the destiny of the country fall into a pair of teenagers' laps? Why would he trust us so much with this colossal task if he was so unsure of my feelings for Peeta? It didn’t make sense, and that certainly was what annoyed me the most, the way he expected us to solve his problems as if we were the ones in charge of the whole nation, but then again, we started his problem by taking out the berries in that arena. 

“We are in this together. We are a team and we’ll solve this” he told me, hugging me softly, as if something else would shatter me to pieces. 

I wasn’t so sure if it was solvable, if we could convince all those people that our very real relationship was indeed real, because I knew our dynamic wouldn’t make sense to them, not that it should’ve, as it wasn’t no one’s but ours, but the President had other plans, and those plans included us being the star crossed lovers as much and as hard as we could for a very long time. I just hoped it would work as he intended to. 

“We are,” I mumbled, closing my eyes tightly. I was terrified and the smell of roses with blood wouldn’t leave my nose for anything. “Do you think we should tell anyone else?

Peeta nodded and left a tiny kiss on my forehead, which made me blush slightly. I liked his gestures, but they still made me nervous, really nervous. 

“I think so, yeah” he said, sighing a bit. “Haymitch should know, he’s the only one that I can’t think of that could be of help.”

I nodded, because he was right. If there was one person in the whole country who could help us overcome this, it was our mentor. But when? How? Would it be dangerous for him if we told him? It felt like it. I hated all that was imposed on us, all the responsibilities we had acquired just because we didn’t want to die. I wanted to puke, to cry out of anger, to tell anyone who had anything to do with it to go to hell.

“We’ll just have to find the right time to tell him” I mumbled.

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪

“Effie it’s okay I swear” I told her, as she fixed again wrinkles in my clothing that didn't exist.

She sighed again and kept doing it, as if that was helping her concentrate. It was funny to me that she was nervous about this, sure it meant her career was going to take on a high peak, having three victors to care for, but she didn’t know our lives were actually at risk, how would she react if she did? 

The camera team was already outside, waiting for Caesar’s Flickerman queue so we could finally step outside of our houses. I wondered what Peeta was doing, what did his prep team put him in, or what changes to his hair or physical appearance had they considered appropriate for his sudden appearance in the capitol's television.

“Chin up, shoulders back, you’re on in three, two, one…”

I felt a slight push on my lower back and then the coldness of the air impacted my face. I spotted the camera almost immediately and then saw Peeta coming out of his own house. The eye contact we made calmed me down a bit, and for some reason I walked faster, as if being in his arms would solve all the unease I was feeling at the moment.

I launched myself into his arms, completely forgetting about his prosthetic leg, which inevitably caused us to fall to the ground. That’s when I was grateful because of the snow. I laid in his chest for a moment, and then Snow words rang through my mind. I couldn’t help but think about how many out of character things I would need to do and then about how this would affect me and Peeta’s in-process relationship. I didn’t want any of it, the star crossed lover’s act would be my ruin.

He seemed to read my mind, having listened to me before about the conversation I had with the president, because he caressed my cheek and left a kiss on my lips. It stumped me at first, but I didn’t doubt much, at least not enough for it to be noticeable by anyone but us. We would have to talk about this, about the way the show facade was going to affect the way we trusted each other, and interacted with each other. 

“Seems like we’re interrupting. Should we come back later?” 

I heard Caesar's voice and cut the kiss short, or shorter than Peeta and I would’ve liked. I smiled at him reassuringly and then stood up to help him as well. I hoped he talked, I hoped he worked his way through the interview without me having to say a thing, but I also knew Peeta’s words worked best when he wasn’t nervous or threatened, and as of now, he was both.  

“No, it’s okay, sorry Caesar” I said, smiling reassuringly at Peeta, to then help him stand on his foot. 

The ground still slippery made him have to cling to me for balance, I didn’t blame him, nor let him go. We were in this weird lovey dovey show together, and we would probably be for life. I sighed and left a small peck on his cheek, searching for an answer in his eyes that I got. 

“How are things there in twelve?” I heard Caesar say. He really was ready to dissect every little amount of information he could get. 

Peeta laughed a little towards the camera.

“We’ve been good, thanks to the generosity of the capitol we’ve never been closer” Peeta said, smiling charmingly, as only he could do. 

“23 feet apart, to be exact” I tried to joke back.

I could still feel Peeta’s hand grabbing my waist for stability, and a small warmth feeling started to expand when he caressed it softly. 

“That’s so great! President Snow always knows best!” Caesar said, and I could almost see him smile. “But give us some more detail, how’s life? How’s everything there? Peeta! You’re always so good with words!”

He asked for more, but giving him more felt like having less for us. Even then, I knew there was no point in trying to preserve everything, not only would they do everything to find out, it would also put us on a spot where they could doubt our feelings, and that would immediately put us in danger. So I spoke. Against my will, I tried to give them at least a slice of the material they wanted to have a show made out of our relationship.

“My family just adores him, and we’ve been spending a lot of time together” I said, not letting the smile on my face fade away, although it felt totally unnatural. “I think they hope I can learn to bake as incredibly as him, but I know it won’t happen.”

“She’s getting better!” Peeta lied with me, laughing by my side. “We also like the cold afternoons, so we can cuddle, drink tea and eat pastries” 

That’s not a lie, but it doesn’t seem as appealing as me failing in my baking attempts, so I push on the narrative. 

“He’s just lying to y’all to try and make me look good, I almost burn his oven down once” 

That is also not a lie, or at least not entirely, because we were actually trying to bake a turkey and I made Peeta forget about the thing in the oven by talking non stop about the amount of herbs we could put in our little project book for too long. It was such a chaotic evening, but pleasant, as all the evenings by his side. 

“It was a conjoint fault, we were distracted with each other” Peeta said in a way that lets the public wonder what we were doing, which is great, as that is exactly what this interview should reflect. 

Caesar laughed at the other side of the camera, and I felt a bit of relief. At least he can do the talking now. I wonder if my smile seemed fake, if our postures were too forced, if the president thinks we are doing a good job, if the people in the district believed even for a moment that these very real feelings are indeed real. 

“Aren’t they just adorable folks?” he yelled towards the crowd that must be in front of him, because we could hear it through his microphone. “Very well, we’ll see more of you two lovey dovey winners tomorrow in district 11!” he exclaimed and the camera went off. 

We both let out contained breaths go, and hugged each other. Now the acting felt terrifying, because each word had the weight of being convincing enough. I felt a few tears in the corners of my eyes, and forced myself to hide my face in Peeta’s chest so it went unnoticed by the crowd of prep teams that surrounded us. 

“I’ll take her home in a bit.” Peeta said, hugging me tighter, and I internally thanked him, because I didn’t want to face them and the amount of stupid things they would say to me about our relationship. 

His grip around me tightened a bit more as I felt the small kiss on the top of my head. I wanted to yell, to tell them all how unfair the situation was for us, how horrible it was that they were expecting a pair of traumatized teenagers to explain their love to the whole nation without having entirely decodified themselves yet. 

Peeta walked us to his house instead, and sat us in the couch. He was still hugging me as tight as he could without injuring me, and I was letting myself feel smaller and smaller in between his arms, as if that could solve all the problems that we were having at the moment, as if that was enough for me to feel that everything would be alright, maybe it would, or maybe it was just Peeta’s presence giving me the peace I needed. 

“I have to take care of them, of our families, of Haymitch, of you” I told him, almost sobbing. “I need you all to be safe, safe from him.”

“And who takes care of you?”

“It doesn’t matter, as long as you all are safe”

“It does matter, it matters to me” he said, stroking my hair. “ You are way too busy taking care of everybody to take care of yourself, so let me help” he continued, and his arms tightened a bit more around me “I can do the talking and the smiling during the tour. We are a team. I saw how unpleasant it was for you”

“And what will I do?”

“You can intimidate them all so they believe what I am saying” he joked, and managed to crack a smile out of me “Hey, that’s my Kat, glad to see you around”

I then rolled my eyes. It was so easy for him to get me in a good mood, for some reason. It amused me, the power he had over my mental state, but I wouldn’t complain, not as long as he was by my side and kept helping me with it. I left a small kiss on his cheek and nodded. 

“Okay, I will put on my angry girl face if you can do the talking on your own, Mellark”

“More than happy to help, Everdeen.” he replied, leaving a kiss on my forehead. 

I stayed there, cuddled in his arms for more that I could account for, it was easy, being with Peeta, he really lived up to my dandelion nickname more than he would ever know to, more than he could ever understand.

“We’re gonna do great” I mumbled against his chest, sighing a bit.

“We are” he said back, his hand still caressing my hair. “We'll do it together and it’ll turn out just right, I promise.”

His words meant a great deal. I knew he couldn’t promise that we would be safe, or that it would work, but we were going to try our best together. For once since coming out of the arena he made me feel sure, maybe even safe, and that was something I could appreciate, that was something I would hold on to as much as I could. 

I sighed and nodded. He was right in that at least, no matter what, we could do it together, and that gave me at least some degree of relief, some calmness. We had overcome the games, how much harder could convincing people that we loved each other be? I had to tell myself that it wouldn’t be much, that it would be an easy task to fulfill. 

“I don’t want to go on this tour Peeta, I have a very bad feeling about it all”

He hugged me a bit tighter and sighed as well. That let me know that he was feeling the same, that the uneasiness that I was feeling wasn’t exclusive, that he was as afraid as I was, and I could quite put my finger around the fact of if it scared me or it didn’t. We will do great, I told myself, Everything will be just fine. 

“I know, I don’t either, but we will be together, no matter what”

I could only hope that much would  be true.

Chapter Text

"and the voices that implore, 'You should be doin more!'  to you, I can admit that I'm just too soft for all of it"

The tour began that same day, or at least the traveling began then. I was dreading for the moment we would have to talk in front of the crowd, for the moment I would have to look at Rue’s and Thresh's family and talk as if my presence there didn’t account for the fact that their own member was dead. 

Being back on the train felt like a death sentence. It was overwhelming, almost like the inside of a trap that I wouldn’t be able to escape ever again. Snow’s words replayed in my head like a sickening movie that couldn’t be erased for nothing. It made me mad, the fact that I would have to clarify unclear feelings to the country. I liked Peeta, but I would have to convince them that I loved him when I wasn’t certain of it, when it was something he should be sure and know before everyone else.

I was restless, we had gotten into the train the night before, just after Caesar's interview and my little breakdown, and I hadn’t been able to sleep, not one bit. I was scared, so scared that every other necessity that my body could ask for was gone, disappeared from sight, and I knew that would be a problem later, because the lack of food combined with the lack of sleep wasn’t a great scenario. I could almost hear Effie’s mad voice, lecturing me about how I wouldn’t look desirable to the public.

It was probably three or four am when I heard him. A muffled scream that called my name. It scared me at first, froze me down to the bones, but then it repeated, and it happened again. It was Peeta’s voice, he was calling my name, what for? I didn’t doubt it much and ran to him, as fast as I could. Was something happening? Was he in danger? there was no way other than checking that I would be able to know. 

When I arrived at his room it was dark, so dark that I could barely see. It took me a couple of seconds to actually make something of the dark figures around. He was fighting against his blanket, still calling my name, and for a moment I didn’t know what to do. Then it hit me, of course, he was having a nightmare, probably about the games. 

“Peeta?” I mumbled, walking towards him slowly. 

He didn’t react to my voice, because he kept fighting with someone invisible to me. I crawled on the opposite side of the bed, and stroked his hair, trying to wake him up. I had never seen him with such a physical reaction to a nightmare, but then again, we had never spent enough time together for me to discover it. 

“Peeta.” I said again, shaking him a bit.

That seemed to work, because he sat up straight in such a fast way that it almost scared me.

“Katniss!” he yelled.

I put my hand on his cheek, worried at his reaction.

“I’m here, it’s okay”

Next thing I knew he was hugging me as tight as he could without hurting me, as if I would vanish from his arms at any second. I hugged him back, unsure of what else I could do to help him, to let him know that I was okay. I had never seen him wake up from a nightmare, but for some reason, I was glad I just did, because that meant I was being useful for his own ghosts as well. 

“I’m okay, everything’s okay”

“I’m sorry” he choked out. “Did I wake you up?”

“No, I was already awake” I told him, stroking his hair softly. 

He nodded and buried himself even more into me, I could feel my shoulder getting soaked from his tears. Was he going through this everyday since coming out of the games? Was he facing it completely alone? It pained me to think he faced all of this alone while also helping me with my own demons. 

“ Can you stay with me? ” he said. 

I nodded and kept stroking his back. 

“ Always ”

This was us. A Team. Working with each other, and chasing out demons that weren’t his or mine, but ours. For  a moment even the games didn’t seem so bad, because at least, they had given me him. 

At the end of the day, we always searched and treasured each other’s sweet moments, each other’s sweet nothings . Those we could only find in our deepest fears, in our darkest moments, those that only belonged to us because they were only ours to face, together . Outside they were pushing and shoving to take more and more from us, inside it was this, the truth that only us two knew, the comfort we found in each other, like the sweet humm I sang while my mom and Peeta prepared breakfast. 

Only us. Only ours. 

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪

A knock on the door woke me up, Peeta still cuddled in me and under the blanket. I didn’t want to wake him, to face the reality that was waiting for us, the fact that we were just hours away from district 11 and that meant performing, leaving our little safe space to become the celebrities and capitol icons that Snow wanted us to be. The knock insisted again, and that time it managed to get a groan out of me. It didn’t look like the sun had risen all the way up, meaning it was still quite early, and my probably two hours of sleep wouldn't contribute to a good mood. 

“Peeta dear! Have you seen Katniss anywhere? I went to her compartment and she doesn’t answer at all!” Effie’s voice made an appearance on the other side of the door. 

I rolled my eyes and sighed as I felt Peeta shift positions, the one thing I was trying to evade, she had made it happen. He yawned and smiled slightly towards me, and for some reason, my heart skipped a beat as he did. It was charming, seeing him like that, his hair messy and his eyes still a little puffy from the sleeping. 

“Peeta? Don’t tell me you’re missing too! I can’t have two missing victors on a train!” She sounded a little scared this time, which almost made me laugh. 

It was so Effie to just panic before knowing what was happening around her. So Peeta talked, probably to help out our escort to stop from spiraling into a nonsensical panic that wasn’t required at the moment. 

“I’m here Effie!” his voice sounded a bit raspy, probably because of the fact that he had just woken up, or because of the screams from just a few hours ago. 

“Oh that’s a relief! Do you know anything about Katniss? I went looking for her but didn’t find her” She said.

She still sounded concerned but it wasn’t as much as it had been when none of us said anything back. 

“Come on princess, I’ve told you already she can’t just have disappeared from the train. I don’t know if you noticed, but it’s been moving non-stop since yesterday.” Haymitch said, and I  could hear he was almost laughing at her. 

“Oh shush Hyamitch, I have a right to be concerned when it’s part of my responsibility to take care of them both, and you should be too!” she shushed him back, and I could almost see Haymitch rolling his eyes as if she was just exaggerating everything. 

“I’m here Effie, I’m okay”

Silence was the only answer we got for a couple seconds, then the loud laughter of Haymitch towards Effie. I found the relationship they had quite amusing, even after almost twenty five years, they still managed to tease each other all the time. Sometimes I even wondered if they might have something else going on. 

“Oh very well dears” she said. 

She sounded nervous, as if she had caught us doing something that we weren’t supposed to be doing, and for some reason, I didn’t mind, for a second it all felt normal. The interaction, the moment that we were just teenagers, our relationship, even the fact that we were on a train to start our victory tour. For a moment, nothing felt out of place. 

“I just wanted to tell you both to come have breakfast so we can discuss your speeches” she said. “It’s getting kinda late and we need to be prepared. Please make sure to be decent when you step out”

I blushed and Peeta laughed. 

“Alright Effie, we’ll be there in five minutes”

“Thank you, Peeta” 

Haymitch’s laughter vanished with Effie’s steps, and we knew then we were left alone by that. It was funny, the thought of them parenting us around while we were away on our Victory tour. It felt appropriate even, like a silly little family that was given to us, not by choice, but by pure coincidence. I liked it. 

“Any more nightmares?” I asked him. 

“None at all” he answered and smiled. “You?”

“ Safe and sound , slept like a baby”

He smiled as if I was telling him the most wonderful news, so I smiled back. 

“Now let’s go, Effie’s gonna go crazy if we don’t appear in the dining wagon soon enough” I said.

I looked at the clock and wrinkled my nose. The sun hadn’t risen yet, but it was well past seven am. It felt odd, but I didn’t question it, giving the credit to the winter hours and their weird way they had of working out. I stood up, and put a sweater on, trying to prevent the coldness from winter from washing over me, though it was more out of nervousness, because I knew there was no way the train didn’t have heating incorporated into it. 

Even then, the thought of what Effie had implied lingered around my mind. We had never talked about it. We had reached the point where kissing and holding hands was natural, the point to where we were familiar with the way each other walked, talked, reacted to things, our likes and dislikes, with caressing interactions, but our conversations hadn’t reached that topic, and as much as it made me nervous and embarrassed me, I couldn’t let go of the curiosity of what it would be like.

Peeta put on his prosthetic and with that we both made our ways to breakfast. I found it dizzying, having to face the reality of it all, having to celebrate with a Victory tour the fact that twenty two people had died. To say it in front of their families, to rub in their faces that my survival, our survival meant their loss, their loved children's deaths. 

“There you are!” 

Effie’s voice lightened up as soon as we stepped in, and she hugged us both before we could locate her in the room. She had been suffocating during the ride to the games, but having spent more time with her since, her presence had become more sweet and caring, probably due to the fact that now that we had survived she could actually afford to care for us, even grow a bit of love towards us. 

“Sorry Effie, I couldn’t sleep last night and went over to Peeta’s” I said, sitting down in one of the chairs.

Haymitch laughed and I frowned. What did he find so amusing?

“What’s with you? I thought you were sober lately” I said.

“I very much am sweetheart, and what’s with you? one may thought that you would wake up happy after a night with bread boy”

“Haymitch!” Effie exclaimed, alarmed by his words.

Then it all rushed to my mind, and the blush rushed to our cheeks faster than words could come out of our mouths. Peeta and I hadn’t even reached that topic in our conversations yet, and there he was, acting as if we had already been intimate with each other, much worse, that we had done it in the train, where it would become a public affair for all of them to whisper and gossip about. 

“We didn’t-” Peeta blurted out. “We did not, I just, I had a nightmare and she was keeping me company”

Haymitch laughed again, and shook his hand in the air as if he was dismissing any other explanation that could be said. I rolled my eyes, and shook my head accepting the little mug with hot chocolate that Peeta was giving me. I found it a bit irritating that he was treating us like that, but I didn’t say anything, partly because at least it gave him something to keep being sober and distracted from his constant necessity of wanting alcohol, and that, for some reason made me happy, and partly because I was still way too blushed to make sense of an excuse that would seem credible. 

“Think whatever you want to think, old man” I said back, taking a sip of chocolate. 

“Katniss! don’t talk to him like that!” Effie scolded me, and I laughed again. 

“Let it be princess, sweetheart needs to let her mood out for her to be charming in front of the crowds in 11”

“That’s what we should be talking about!” she said, somehow excited. “We are going to have such a great time. I made the speeches and the mayor is going to host a dinner. We have such a big big big day ahead.”

I heard Peeta laughed, as he put in front of me a tiny plate of food. My stomach growled but my mind raced as fast as the train. It didn’t feel right, not at all, but I couldn’t fight him, not when he was doing it with the knowledge that we had a very long, not even day, but weeks ahead. I sighed and started eating very slowly, picking apart the bread that was on the plate, the least I could do was try. 

“So how long will we stay in each district?” Peeta asked. 

“One day and one night in each one” Haymitch said back, eating as well. “We arrive in the mornings, you do your speeches, then you have the afternoon to yourselves, and then dinner with the mayor and authorities, then the beauty sleep and we travel during the morning, we probably will arrive at night in the next one and the cycle repeats.” he explained, sighing. “It’s exhausting if you ask me, but nothing much y’all can do apart from trying to enjoy it”

“It’s not exhausting! it’s a unique opportunity for which we all should be grateful for” Effie lectures him, frowning towards him. 

“Whatever you say, princess” 

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪

An hour later our prep teams had already separated us to make sure we were presentable to the public. I trusted Cinna, but even then, Flavius, Venia and Octavia were really loud and extroverted for me, so it often tired me even before going out to the public, but I cared for them nonetheless. I let them do anything they needed to do, just because I didn’t have the energy to voice my opinions, and even then, I trusted Cinna with my appearance more than I trusted myself. 

We were backstage in the Justice Building before my mind could process it, and as it was usual, I was holding Peeta’s hand as if that would assure me the safety of the world. I could see Effie talking, but I couldn’t hear it, so I just hoped whatever instructions she seemed so eager to give were being recorded in Peeta's memories. I felt numb, scared, small among all things. I didn’t like it, the control that Snow’s words had over me, but there wasn’t much I could do either way. 

For a moment I wondered what was my family doing, if my sister was in school, if she was watching me, if dad had already gone to the woods to check the traps that he had set himself, if mom had already taken clients from the seam who needed her services, if their lives were doing okay. It seemed like an exaggeration, since it had only been a day since I had left, but for some reason, I felt like I hadn’t seen them in years, and wouldn’t see them in many more. 

“Everything will be just fine, Kat” said Peeta.

He was stroking my hand with his thumb and when I looked at him, he was smiling softly. I nodded back in agreement, suddenly aware of the very loud crowd that waits for us outside. Were they clapping because they’re being forced to? Or did they genuinely want to hear from us and see us? I doubted the second question was the answer, but I couldn’t afford to think differently, knowing that Snow needed us to make a great impressión on them. 

“That’s your queue darlings!” I heard Effie say, as she pointed to the door that would lead us outside. I sighed and walked beside Peeta, because I had no other option than to face the people that were waiting for me to perform. “Big smiles!”

We walked out behind the mayor until we couldn’t walk further anymore. It took me a moment to adjust my vision to the light that was surrounding us, but truly I wished it hadn’t. There was a very big crowd in the square before us, probably bigger than it would ever be in district 12, the buildings were covered in banners that alternated between Peeta’s face, my face and the capitol symbol. What a great message. I thought. Us between those icons to remember them or us that we’re still pawns in their games. 

I looked around until I spotted what I was dreading the most about this moment. The families of Thresh and Rue were standing before us, on big platforms that made them stand out from the rest of the crowd. I knew the mayor was talking, but I couldn’t hear a thing besides the ring in  my ear. Rue’s little sister was staring at me as if I could solve her problems or give her an answer of some sort. It was like staring into the eyes of a ghost, she looked exactly like Rue, only younger, maybe nine or ten years old. 

It was sickening, to be standing there, alive, while the life that a twelve year old could’ve had ended because of it. I felt like puking, but I knew that wouldn't help me, so I just held tightly to Peeta’s hand, as if that would solve my problems. On the other platform there was Thresh's family, which consisted of an old lady, who I assumed was her grandmother, and a young girl, who was probably his sister.  They weren’t staring at me, which I profoundly thanked, because I could not, for dear life, stand them looking as if I could save them somehow. Couldn’t they all see it? I needed saving as much as they did, maybe not from hunger, but from the same twisted and sick system that we were all a part of.

Peeta started talking as soon as the mayor’s speech died out, and that’s when I snapped back to reality. I paid attention to his words, hoping they suffice what the people want to hear, and what President Snow expects of us. I could feel my hands shaking slightly as he let go of the one he was holding. It scared me, how much the presence of Peeta meant I was put together before the public. 

“Our lives are not measured in years, but in the way we impact those around us” he said, sighing in the microphone. I could hear his breath shaking slightly, and I wondered then if he was as scared as me. “And for Rue and Thresh, that means they have the biggest lives among most of us, because without them we wouldn’t be here, we thanked them for that, we thank you for that”

Peeta’s words planted a warmth in my heart that I couldn’t quite explain. I always knew that he was talented with them, that his words and speech were his most powerful weapon, but hearing him be so gentle, so respectful and so considerate with the death of children while also trying to keep us in line with the threat Snow made was something else. Suddenly Haymitch’s words in the conversation with my father rang through my ears ‘he is as good as you can hope for her here in twelve though, but seriously he’s as sweet and noble as they come, Burd.’ he was as accurate as one can get, the embodiment of the first dandelion in the spring after a long winter. 

I held my breath as he stepped away from the microphone and smiled to me, as if that was the signal I needed to know we could now be off the stage, but there was a pin in my heart that wouldn’t let me, that knew that I would regret it my whole life if I didn’t  pay my respects to their families, to her families. I had to honor the little girl who kept me alive during three days in that awful place, who showed me mercy and kindness in the midst of a cage that only knew violence and murder, so I stepped up, probably surprising everyone on stage and backstage. 

“Wait!” I said. 

The gaze of the little girl in Rue’s platform was fixated on me, as if she was waiting for me to do this, as if she knew I wouldn’t let Rue’s death go unsung, because if she had won, she wouldn't have let mine escape the narrative that the capitol would impose on her. 

“I wanted to say my thanks as well.” I started. I was regretting it already, as I felt the void in my stomach grow and the impatient gazes of people in the square scrutinize me. “I didn’t know Thresh that much” with the mention of his name, the old woman stared at me, as if she wasn’t expecting to be hearing him called ever again. “I only spoke to him once, and that was enough for him to show me mercy, to spare my life. He played the games by his rules, by his morality and didn’t let anyone change the softness in his strength, I respect him for that”

I almost saw a smile on the old lady as she nodded towards me, as if those words were describing him enough to know his death didn’t mean his memory was gone, but marked eternally on those of us who got to know him. Then it came the hard part, the gut wrenching moment in which I would have to acknowledge that Rue was truly gone forever. 

“But I feel as if I did know Rue” I start, trying not to burst into tears in front of the whole crowd. “And she’s always with me, especially in the beautiful things. When a bird sings, when I see flowers in the meadow that is by my house, and most of all in my sister Prim. I couldn’t save her, and I’m sorry for that, but thank you, for the bread, and most of all for your children, because without them we wouldn’t be standing here today” 

As if it was a domino effect it happened. Someone whistles the four notes of the signal that Rue gave me in the arena, and after that, the whole crowd raises their three middle fingers as a salute. If I wasn’t terrified of the threat that hanged in my mind constantly I would’ve cried there and then, but this scared me, this meant that, even if they believed in our love story, they also believed that we were using it as a tool to defy the capitol, and that was the total opposite of what we should be portraying. 

Then it was as if a movie rolled out before my eyes. Me and Peeta were being yanked away from the scenario, and the old man who sang the melody was being taken up. I yelled, kicked, and all that I could think of to make myself free from the Peacekeepers holding my arms, but it wasn’t useful. because the doors closed and a gunshot was heard. They killed him, he was dead. 

“No!” I screamed, now sobbing. 

“Preposterous!” Effie screamed. “Just straight up disrespectful! I can’t believe they are treating us like that!”

I felt someone grab me by the waist and take me somewhere I couldn’t really identify. I felt nauseous, and for a moment I regretted every single bite that I took from breakfast that morning. It was terrifying, to be causing exactly what I shouldn’t be. My chest felt tight, and my breathing wasn’t that great either, I wanted to run, to hide, to pretend all of this wasn’t happening. 

I didn’t know where we were, but the blonde curls and the black hair that were beside me let me know that at least in that moment I was safe and not with strangers. I couldn’t stop crying though, my face was drenched in tears, and it was getting harder and harder to breathe, as if someone was pressing my neck with both their hands to kill me, asphyxiating, suffocating, I couldn’t do it anymore. 

“I didn’t mean for that to happen, I just, I just wanted to pay my respects to them” I cried out, and Haymtich hugged me. 

“It’s okay sweetheart, it’ll be okay” he said, stroking my hair, but I could hear it in his voice, it wouldn’t.

“President Snow threatened her, us, our families.” Peeta said. “We have to calm the people down and make them believe that our act at the arena was nothing more than our love story”

“They’ll never believe that, because love or not, it was defiance” Haymitch said, and I cried harder. 

He was right, and I hated that he was, because that meant that no matter what we said or how we acted, it would never be enough, we would never be safe. I didn’t want any of it, for a moment I wished I was dead and not going through it, that my family was safe even if it meant that I wouldn’t be there with them, that Peeta and Haymitch were. 

“I can’t do this, I won’t be able to get through this tour Haymitch” I cried out, still clenched to him, buried in his arms. 

What was a sixteen year old little girl doing holding the weight of the nation in her shoulders? All because I didn’t want to die, and didn’t want Peeta to die, because I paid respect to the people who helped me come out of the arena, to two kids who weren’t at fault for what happened to them. 

“ He just wants more, he wants me doing more” I cried out again, coming out of his arms to look at him, to him I could admit it . “But I can’t Haymitch, I fear I’m just too soft for all of it” 

“I know sweetheart, I know” He hugged me again, and left a small kiss on my head, as if that could fix all the problems that were surrounding us. 

“What are we going to do Haymitch?” Peeta cried out as well, I could hear how distressed he was, and the thought of his blue eyes filled with tears, pained me. 

I felt Haymitch bring him into the hug, having one of us in each of his arms, soothing us as if he was a father protecting his kids from a bad dream. But this wasn’t a bad dream, and he couldn’t protect us, though he maybe was the father figure we needed to guide us throughout all of this mess, through the mess that we were into. 

“For the moment we’re gonna follow the cards that Effie gives us, trying for them to be real, but all lovey dovey, we are gonna smile, we are gonna be thankful and we are gonna hope for the best, stick together through this mess” he said softly. 

I felt Peeta’s sobbing beside me and hugged him as well, hoping to be at least a bit comforting, He hugged us both back, still crying, still scared, still as looking as the young teenager that he was, that we were, stuck in political conflict that was way out of our magnitude, that didn’t make sense to us. 

“Is there something else we can do?” Peeta asked, separating himself a bit from the hug. 

Haymitch sighed, and stroked my back again. I could sense he was thinking for an answer, but it was taking longer than I would like to, longer than it made sense to, and that only scared me more than I already was. It didn’t make sense, the fragility of the system, the way we, two teenagers from district 12, had made it crumble.

“I don’t know kid, besides acting like the two teenagers in love that you are and being true to your intentions, I don’t think there is something else” he said, sighing. “The problem is, you are approaching this whole situation as if it will end the moment you step off the train, and it won’t, your lives are theirs now, their show, their drama, and the sooner you get that, the easier it will be”

My heart ached once again, because he is right, even if we want to, our lives will never truly belong to us again, and we’re helpless about that, about the fact that we are now these longed celebrities better known for their star-crossed lovers and their tragic yet successful love story, that preferred to die before live without each other and in the end made it out alive together. 

“We could get married” Peeta suggested, and my heart skipped a beat.

Then again, the words of Haymitch echoed in my mind. Would that be enough though? Would getting married be convincing enough for them to believe that we weren’t defying the capitol, but trying to save each other from a cruel destiny of surviving alone. Maybe he was right, maybe, if announced correctly, if treated with caution, if making it look as if it was our choice instead of something staged or imposed, it could work, so I nodded. 

Peeta was as good as I could hope for ever in life, and doing this with him was the best case scenario, not that I wanted someone else, not that I could think of someone else in the way I thought about him, either way. This was our best chance, this was our last resource to solve something that seemed to be our fault but truly, it wasn’t.

“Okay, let’s try that, getting married.”

Chapter Text

"find it hard to say, I know that I'm alright, took a while for me to finally realize, but I'm sure now, 'cause days blend to one when I'm on the right beaches"

We didn’t talk again about the subject until we were on board the train from district 5 to district 4. We had carefully prepared each speech, each interaction, each glance, each everything, and for whatever reason, people seemed to be buying it, or at least to the extent of our knowledge. The streets were actually pacifying, but even then, we couldn’t risk it. We would have to keep going with the plan, keep working the way we had been, because just one miscalculation could throw all of our efforts out, and that was something that we could not afford. 

Peeta and I grew used to the idea of sleeping together after the two first nights, when we noticed how it was easier to deal with the nightmares together rather than alone, so I had just opted to take my things to his room. At first it gave us tons of jokes and glances, especially from Haymitch, but as the days passed, he seemed to let it go, at least enough for us to not have to explain to him once again that it was just our way to be able to chase the nightmares away. It was comforting to have each other. 

It was night, probably really close to midnight and we were still awake. I had tons of things that I wanted to talk about with him, topics that we wouldn’t be able to ignore forever, topics that I was curious about, but each and every thought just lingered around my mind, not strong enough to come out of my mouth, to put them into words, so I just stared at the ceiling in silence, hoping I would fall asleep sooner than later, though any of the options would work.

“I can feel your mind working overtime, Kat” Peeta said. 

I laughed a little, resting my cheek on his chest softly, I had grown accustomed to the beat of his heart in my ear, there was something so precious and peaceful on listening to it, as if he was the source of all the pretty things that could exist, as if all the music in the world followed the steady pace that his heart marked. 

“Ignore it then, bread boy”

He laughed and left a soft kiss on the top of my head. 

“Come on, tell me what are you thinking about, songbird ” he said, stroking my back softly. 

“That’s my father’s nickname”

“So is bread boy, but you don’t see me complaining”

I groaned a bit and rolled my eyes even if he couldn’t see it.

“I was thinking about the marriage thing, among a lot of things”

Peeta sighed, and I wrinkled my nose.

“Yeah? and what was Miss Everdeen thinking about? Care to enlighten me?”

I sighed and nodded, mostly because I knew there was no talking him out of knowing what I was thinking, if there was something I had learned about Peeta in the last few months, was that he was a determined little thing, once he put his mind to something, there was no talking him about of it, not then not ever.

“Marriage, and the implications of it” I said, drawing random shapes in his chest. “I think we should go through with marriage, for starters, and then, ever since our first night sleeping together, when Haymitch laughed about it, I can’t stop thinking about what it implies, what he implied”

Peeta stayed quiet for a few minutes and my nervousness grew. Had I made a wrong decision by telling him? Should I have just kept quiet and let the future guide us slightly through all of it? I didn’t even know why was I questioning these things, for some reason it felt really out of character, absurd to be thinking about, but I had already put it out in the wild, there was no turning back from it.

“You mean, being intimate with each other?” I could feel his breath shaking as he talked. 

“Yes, I’ve been thinking about it” I said, now in a lower voice, embarrassed by my words. “It’s not like we have to do it if you don’t want to, I don’t even know if I want to, I’ve just been thinking about it” I blurted out, now blushed. 

He stayed silent again, and it felt like an eternity alone in  my thoughts. Had I said something wrong? Was this something I wasn’t supposed to mention to him? I had never talked about this kind of stuff to my parents, mostly because my mom was busy with trying to keep us alive, and partly because I found it a bit embarrassing to ask her for it, and in either case, I didn’t need it then. I wasn’t so sure I would need it now, but the information about it would be handy, that way I wouldn’t feel so lost. 

“And what have you thought?” he asked.

“I-” I stuttered, unsure of what to say to him. “I’ve been thinking that I don’t know enough about it, and that I’m not sure if I’m ready for that, or if I’ll be ready for it anytime soon”

He sighed, and for some reason he sounded relieved. I would take that as an indicator that he felt the same way. I knew that it wasn’t as simple as doing it, that it involved risks, and one of those risks was having children, and that was out of the question for me, at least in the near future, at least if it was under my own decisions. I wasn’t about to have kids just to have them be a sure thing for the arena, a new entertainment for the capitol to have.  

“It’s okay Kat, I, I’m not sure about it either” he explained, he had gotten a bit stiff, and as soon as he heard me, his muscles had softened. “I think we can wait for that, it’s a bit early to think about that, and then again, that would put us in a dangerous spot”

It was as if he had read my mind, and I too, sighed from relief. I was as blushed as one can be, and I was glad that he couldn’t see my face, partly because the lights were off, and partly because I was still laying on his chest. He was right, we were much too young to think about it, and with how things were going, we would have a lot of time to think about it in the future, to cross those bridges when we had to. 

“Are you really sure you want to keep going with the marriage thing though?” he said. “I proposed it because I know, wherever life takes us, I will be happy spending it by your side, Kat, but I don’t want you to feel forced to do it, it’s okay if you’re not sure”

I sat on the bed to look at him, ready to contradict his words. It amazed me that he doubted himself so much, it pained me even. Maybe I was not sure if I loved him or not, but I sure liked him, and he was my teammate, my most truthful companion in the mess that the capitol had dragged us in. I would trust him with my life, with my family’s life even, I couldn’t think of anyone better to be stuck in this mess than him, because they didn’t exist, nor would they ever. 

“Listen to me, you Peeta Mellark” I told him, very sure of myself. “I wouldn’t have said yes if I wasn’t sure, I think it’s a good plan, and I also think that there’s no one else in the world I would rather have as a partner than you”

Peeta smiled, and that was enough for me to return to my original position, laying on his chest. I meant it, and Haymitch’s words were more and more right every second, he was as good as it would get, there was no one else like Peeta, and even if there was, I wanted no one but him. Around him, there was always a feeling of longing, of wanting him closer, of needing to hold his hand, to listen to his voice, and that was my biggest indicator of the existence of my uncertain feelings for him.

“I still want to do it right in the future, you know? something that it’s just for us, not for the show” he mumbled as he returned to the soft stroking on my back.

“We’ll do it when the time comes” I answered, and I could feel him smiling. “You know? Now that we are spending a lot of time with them, don’t you think there’s something going on between Haymitch and Effie?” I asked.

Peeta laughed, but it was more like a ‘I can’t believe you didn’t know’ kind of laughter, than a humorous one. Was there something he knew that I didn’t? Now I was even more curious about them than I was before. Peeta was way more perceptive with feeling than me, but now it worried me, the fact that he could read them so well that he was laughing like this.

“They are clearly not just coworkers or just friends, but we won’t be the ones pressuring them to talk about it” he said. 

“Talk for yourself, if Haymitch dares to make one more joke about us sleeping together, I will confront him” I laughed back, more truthful to my words than he could tell.

“As you say girl on fire now, let’s go back to sleep, we have a big big big day tomorrow in 4”

“Now, now, don’t be stealing Effie’s idioms, Haymitch is gonna fall in love with you”

We both laughed, and then pretended to be just two normal teenagers, late night talking about an uncertain future and couples around us. Amongst all the chaos, I would always appreciate how normal Peeta managed to make me feel. I did have more questions about the whole being intimate things, but I wouldn’t press on it, nor would I talk more about it if he didn’t want to, that didn’t mean that it had abandoned my mind, in fact, maybe it only made the curiosity wider, and maybe that meant I would end up asking about it to someone else. 

“I wonder if he’s conflicted, you know? Of letting himself love after losing the love of his life” Peeta mentioned. 

“I hadn’t thought about it” I admitted, now looking at the roof. 

“I have” he said back, he was playing with my hair, and I closed my eyes, feeling the weariness of the day starting to weigh on my eyelids. “because even if I try my hardest to remind myself that it’s just a hypothetical scenario, I can’t see me falling in love again if I ever lost you”

I stayed quiet, not knowing what to say back, because it was that exact moment, putting myself in that exact scenario, that I realized what I had been avoiding for so long. Because when I imagined me loosing Peeta, my world crumbled down, because if I asked myself what would I do without him, how would I endure life and the capitol without him by my side, the answer was that I wouldn’t, because if I imagined myself trying to love someone or trying to let myself to love someone after losing Peeta, the answer would be the same, I wouldn’t be able, and that implied that I loved him in the first place. 

It was that exact moment that I realized my feelings for Peeta were more rooted in me than I cared to admit, that I loved him so much that the thought of losing him was terrifying. I found it hard to say in my mind even and It took a while for me to realize it, but I was alright. I was sure then, I was deeply in love with Peeta Mellark, probably more than I would be able to admit out loud in a long while. 

“Good, I would haunt you as a ghost if you did” I joked back, to fill the sudden silence that his words met. 

He laughed and left a kiss at the top of my head. 

“Just go to sleep now, we have a really long day coming, and I really want to meet distric’s 4 beach with you”

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪

“Thank you Effie, I really needed someone to talk about it”

I was almost instantly regretting it, but I didn’t have much more sources to rely on. My parents? out of the question, way too embarrassing to even dare to think about it, Prim? I didn’t think I would feel comfortable talking about such topics with my little sister, certainly not Haymitch, as he seemed to have a joke about it every time something similar was implied, my prep team would probably be a great option, but I hadn’t spent enough time for them to be considered. 

“Oh it’s alright dear” she blushed almost as much as me and I could tell she was trying to hide the embarrassment in her face. 

Effie had walked me through all of it, not that I was unaware of it all, but twelve wasn’t a place where this kind of education was usual or accessible, so at the end of the day my knowledge wasn’t far from the pure and most basic information that there could be available. It was far beyond uncomfortable, but at least it didn’t feel like an unexplored territory, I had such little control on the things that were happening with my life and with me, that knowing how to approach this was at least a bit comforting. Not that I was planning on doing it anytime soon anyway. 

“Oh? Why are you so blushed?” Haymitch made an appearance with his usual mockery self. 

“None of your business” I barked back before Effie could talk. “Now sit down, you are late for breakfast”

“You know who else is? Bread boy, wonder why” he laughed at me and I rolled my eyes. 

“Do you want me wondering why you are?” I shot back, looking slightly at Effie to then look back at him. “Or cat got your tongue?”

He laughed, defeated by my words. 

“You’ve gotten cheeky, sweetheart, I kinda like it” he said, putting his arms up in sign of rendition at the same time as he sat down on the table. 

I rolled my eyes, and for the first time in a long while I took a plate by myself and filled it up with a decent amount of food. There was a sense of calmness around me and even though I knew it wouldn’t last as much, because peace was not something entirely achievable as a citizen of Panem, I planned on enjoying it for as much as I could.  

“Learned from the best” I said back, laughing a little. 

Then Peeta entered the wagon in his pajamas, and Haymitch whistled, causing me to roll my eyes. So much for a morning without Haymitch’s unnecessary comments and jokes, although he wouldn’t even be Haymitch without it. At least we had him, and Effie, at least they were helping us to get through this dreadful and threatening tour, and they were doing it hella fine. 

“Oh no, what are you teaching her now? It’s me who will have to put up with both of your bad habits, well, me and Burdock " His voice was still raspy as if he had just woken up but his tone was unserious, he was joking, sleepily but joking. 

“Oh, our little mockingjay it’s getting cheeky, shooting back at my jokes and everything”

“Oh no, I missed it?” Peeta said towards me, getting a plate to eat for himself. 

“Slept way too much, bread boy ” said Haymitch, laughing at him. 

Peeta rolled his eyes and took a sip of his chocolate. Even when he had just woken up, he looked really pretty, but who was I kidding? It was just because he was really pretty, no amount of sleep would change that. 

“Oh come on Haymitch, don’t behave like a kid now” Effie scolded him, and I laughed. “Now, this is a very special district, I think you’ll love it here.” she continued. “As always I’ll give you your speeches so you can practice them, and after that you have the afternoon to yourselves, at least until it’s time to get ready for the dinner and the party.” She sounded so excited and happy that it was contagious. 

“Thanks a lot Effie, you’re a lifesaver” I answered, though it was way more literal than she would ever know.

Peeta held my hand under the table and squeezed it to then continue eating the plate full of stuff he had served himself. I looked at mine and sighed, not really in the mood to keep going, so I kept sipping at my hot chocolate as if that was enough. I kept spiraling on the fact that we were almost done with the tour, that we were mostly successful with Snow’s task, that everything was going to be alright, but the feeling of some imminent catastrophe hitting us didn’t leave me for one second. 

“Now, there’s something you’ve got to know about this district’s victors” Haymitch said. 

“What? That Finnick Odair is a humble man?” Peeta said, laughing a little. 

“Well, yes, that and that Mags and Annie matter a lot to him” he explained, sighing a bit. “They both have suffered way too much after the games, so, you know, they are a little lost in their minds, be careful and kind to them, please.”

“That shouldn’t be a problem”

“Talking to sweetheart, bread boy” Haymitch said, rolling his eyes a bit. 

“Hey I’m not mean” I frowned towards him, putting my cup back on the table. I was a lot of things, but mean was not in the list, at least not intentionally. “I am just the intimidating one out of our duo” 

Haymitch laughed and nodded, as if in that way he could totally dismiss the point that I was trying to make. I didn’t contradict him, I didn’t have the energy for it, nor the will. At the end of the day I knew how to behave when I had to, or at least I liked to think that I did. Finncik caring for someone else than himself intrigued me, but the more I thought about it, the  more it made sense. 

He was a capitol peacock, a darling victor that was better known for the ways in which he had fun during his visits to the capitol, the youngest ever, the one who took all the glory and had the charming looks and attitude for everyone to love and adore him. I had always thought of him as someone lucky, he for sure seemed very cocky on tv, and for the longest time I really thought he didn’t care for no one else than himself, but then again, when I studied my own situation, the way the president had threaten me, us, what would make Finnick different? nothing, that was the answer. 

So all the luxuries, all the appearances, all the ways he presented himself in an egotistic way that made him seem unreachable, like he was on a whole other level apart from the rest of the people, were just a facade at the end of the day, probably one more deal he had made with president Snow to protect his loved ones. Could this Annie be his actual darling? The one he ran to when the day was too tiring, when he had good news? And Mags? Was she his mother figure? Did he see in her the same that Peeta and I saw in Haymitch and Effie? A refugee to seek help, a wiser mind valuable to keep around to guide him, something so important to him that he would endure anything to protect her? Both the girls.

The more time that passed with us trapped in the life of an elite, in the life of luxuries and treasures, parties, dinners, celebrations, tv appearances, so called fans and love, the more I realized it was a lie, a lie to keep us hoping, but not too much that it would be unmanageable. Everyone dreamed with it, even if going to the games wasn’t a wish someone had, once inside it, once reaped, everyone dreamed with winning, with coming back home alive, to a better life, to a house were starvation wouldn’t be in sight, but would everyone still want it if they realized what it meant? I wasn’t even sure of my answer, because sometimes I wished I hadn’t fought as hard as I did in that arena. 

The train ride continued for a couple more hours, and the routine that we had executed for all of the previous part of the victory tour stayed the same. Our prep teams made sure to pick matching outfits that seemed fit according to the district, but that suited out styles well enough. After that, we would practice being on stage with Effie and Haymitch a couple of times, correcting poses, timing glances, planning kisses and hand holding, as if our little performances were a game, it was not that bad, there were way worse games to play, and I wouldn’t dream of going back to them ever again. 

District 4 didn’t change much from the other 7 districts we had visited already, apart from 11. The mayor welcomed us, and the people seemed uneasy, but the normal amount, the amount of uneasiness that was planted on them because of the lives we were all forced to live, because of the government that without missing, would take two more children from them the next year, and as much as I would love to help them, the system had put on me and Peeta a task that held us back from doing anything else than being lovers, we couldn’t act out of line. I was sorry for that, because they didn’t stopped looking at us as if we could give them an answer, as if behind our messages there was something else, a secret, but there wasn’t, and that disappointed them enough for me to be calm, for me to know that I was completing my task, that Peeta and I, that both of our families, were safe. Or safe as one could be in Panem. 

At the end of it all, that was the real problem, there would never be a real safeness whilst living under Snow’s authority, there would only be a safe enough, a drop of water amongst a dessert of thirst, a ray of light in a hundred year eclipse that refused on going away and that kept us living the way we were, because in the end, we knew deep down, that as much as things could be better if we tried to do something, things could also take a worse path than they already had, and for most of us, it wasn’t worth the risk at all, and it would never be. 

So I followed the plan, made my rehearsed smiles, my planned words, laughed at the sappy teenager words that Effie had written for Peeta and put on my best mask, because that was the only thing I could do, that was the most I could do. I couldn’t protect the whole country, but I could do my best for my family and close ones to be as safe as it got, and as much as it felt wrong to say it, for a moment, that was more than enough. 

“So, how are you two enjoying your Tour?” Finnick said. 

We were at the beach, he and Annie had offered themselves to take us safely around the prettiest parts of the beaches in district 4, and seeing the emotion Peeta’s eyes had as he heard him, I wasn’t able to say no. He was walking a bit in front of us with Annie, who seemed fascinated with the kind and soft smiles Peeta gave, and with the way he treated her. He had a special talent for that, to make wounded people feel like they weren’t, I was very much familiar with it. 

“It could be worse” I admitted, not letting my gaze apart from Peeta, afraid that if I did, something bad could happen to him. “at least we have each other”

I felt the weight of Finnick’s own gaze on me, but I didn’t give it much thought, I had other priorities to worry about. I saw Annie crouch into the sand, where a ton of black rough things were, Peeta kneeled beside her and laughed at her words. I smiled at the sight. It was probably around two o’clock, so the sun made his blonde hair shine as if it was made out of pure gold. He looked happy and that pleased me. 

“You sound very sure of that, of him” there was something in his implication that irritated me, but I couldn’t quite decipher if he was joking or if he was testing me in some way. Either alternative pissed me nonetheless. 

“Because I am, I would be completely lost without him by my side in this ride” I almost barked back, frowning towards him. I let myself look away from Peeta just to confront the blonde man beside me. 

It pissed me off, that he was still doubting about it, and it also scared me a little, because if he was, who else was not convinced about it?

“Okay, no need to burst in flames girl on fire ” the smirk on his face made me want to punch him. 

I was about to say something else to him when I heard Peeta’s excited laugh as he called my name, so I scowled at Finnick and made my pace by his side to the place where the redhead and my blonde were still crouching. She was smiling as well, and that got a smile out of me as we got nearer. He had one of the black things I saw before in his hands, but the knife in his hand was getting it opened. Once we were close enough I crouched next to him in the most gentle way I could so Annie wouldn’t be startled because of my sudden presence. Finnick remained standing up, this time stroking the auburn hair that flew in the air. She was definitely his love. 

“What you got there?”

“It’s a marine oyster, that’s what Annie said” he explained, still fixated on getting it opened. “She also said that there was a possibility for it to have a pearl”

I now was interested in his struggle, I had never seen a pearl in my life. 

“A pearl?” I talked to her directly for the first time, and she smiled. 

“Oh yes! they’re pretty pretty” she said excitedly. “They shine a lot and are quite strong”

I had a flashback of Effie’s words during our preparation for our games and laughed. Peeta looked like he knew what I was laughing about because he nodded and almost immediately repeated the awful definition of coal that Effie had given us all those months ago. What a silly woman she was. 

“Did you know that if you put a coal under enough pressure they form into a pearl?” he said, laughing as he talked. 

Annie laughed as well, but for a completely different reason. 

“No they don’t” Finnick said, a bit confused because of Peeta’s words. 

“Silly silly Peet” Annie laughed again. 

Before I could explain our little story to them both, Peeta managed to open the oyster and take out the little sphere. He smiled even more excited than before and Annie pointed at it. It was light gray and perfectly round. It was really pretty, Annie was totally right. I stared at it as the light reflected on it. Peeta really had a talent for finding beautiful things in the most random places, he was probably a magnet. 

“Same color as your eyes” he said, leaving a tiny peck on my cheek, and I rolled my eyes. “We should have it made into a ring.”

I rolled my eyes and nudged him slightly on the shoulder, inevitably smiling at his words. I knew he meant the engagement one, but this felt way too special for it to be that, or maybe we could save them for the real thing, or have it made to be a matching set for the both of us.

“Then you should have one too,” I said, smiling.

Annie mixed all of the oysters and selected one almost immediately after I finished talking and tended to me, smiling softly. 

“Here, try this one”

“Thank you” I said honestly. 

I then started my task diligently. It felt peaceful, being with them three, even though Finnick’s humor pissed me off, Annie contrarested it. She was really soft, kind and cute, like she was made to make people feel comfortable around her, as if she contained all the peace in the world inside of her soul, though I knew that couldn’t be possible, because that was Peeta’s essence. 

“Here!” I said happily after managing to open the oyster, finding an almost identical pearl as the one Peeta had gotten out, but this one was a light shade of blue. Not as deep as Peeta’s eyes, but it was a funny coincidence either way. 

Finnick whistled at the sight of it and Annie clapped excitingly. I laughed at their connection and waited for them to talk, as it seemed they were almost ready to explain something about the little object in my hands. 

“That one is a very rare one, it’s pretty hard to pull a blue one, especially so near the shore. Getting one it’s like a one in a million chance”

I smiled and nudged Peeta again. 

“Sounds like you” I said, in a lower voice, almost instantly regretting it. Peeta was the sweet and corny one, but he smiled, happy at my words, so I swallowed my embarrassment and gave the little pearl to him. 

“You two are really cute, cute” said Annie happily, and I nodded slightly blushed. 

“Especially Katniss” Peeta added, and I rolled my eyes. That was it, that was Peeta’s role in our relationship, the one with the sappy comments that made my heart flutter. 

Annie laughed, and nodded as if she knew exactly what Peeta meant. I really liked her, she reminded me of my mom, for some strange reason. Now it bugged me even more that Haymitch had said that I would have to be careful not to be mean to her, first of all because I wasn’t mean, just strong headed, and second of all, because I couldn’t imagine someone actually being mean to her on purpose, she was just too gentle to even think about that. 

“What if we swim?” Annie proposed, and I got immediately excited for it. 

“I don’t think they know how to swim, shell” Finnick said, crouching next to her carefully. 

I rolled my eyes and laughed at Finnick. Of course he would think that, because why on earth would people from twelve know how to swim if they didn’t have access to large bodies of water. It was what made sense, but more often than not, I didn’t make sense. My father had taught me how to swim, in the lake that was hidden far into the depths of the forest, so the concept of doing it on the beach sounded fascinating to me. 

“Too fast to conclude something waterboy , I do know how to swim” I said, putting the little pearl that Peeta had given me inside of one of my pockets, hoping that it wouldn’t get lost. 

“Oh? The girl on fire doesn’t extinguish when in contact with water? Where did you learn how to swim?”

I almost answered him with the truth, but then remember that even here, we were probably being watched and listened to, so I lied. A very bad one, but a lie nonetheless. 

“We have a very big bathtub at home” I joked. 

“Silly Kat” Annie laughed and I smiled. “Solved then, let’s go swim”

I didn’t wait much for an answer from the boys and almost instantly followed Annie to the water. She left her exterior clothing in a hollow trunk out of reach from the water, the parallel made me laugh, so I took off most of mine and followed her in. It made me feel close to home, close to a time in which my family was alright, in which my father was completely happy despite the struggles, in which my mom and Prim weren’t starving. The water made me happy, and Annie’s laugh made it better.

Even though I had met her that day, I couldn’t help but feel close to her, to the feeling of warmth she emanated. It was as if life had given me a little out of mind older sister. Sure we weren’t super close, but something in her way of treating people, in expressing herself, and in her attitude in general, made me feel better, made me want to get close to her. I wondered then if that was what Prim saw in me, couldn’t blame her for begging me to stay alive if it was. Who knows? Maybe she would even manage to make me like Finnick a little better. 

“Isn’t it great?” she said, once the water was reaching our chests. 

“It is” I said back, smiling softly. The waves were a little bit stronger than I had anticipated, but I didn’t mind. 

I checked on Peeta with my gaze for a second and Imagined what it would be like to have the peace of my lake with him. To just enjoy a day by his side in the spot that I used to hide from the rest of the wall. I would take him as soon as we came back, it seemed almost like a drowning necessity to show him my little secret. I didn’t want to keep secrets from him. 

“Are you two really in love?” Annie said, looking at me with curiosity. 

I was taken aback. I didn’t expect her to directly ask that question, but since there was no chance there were cameras in the middle of the ocean, I didn’t mind, and I didn’t mind confiding in her either. It felt kind of out of character to be doing it, but it didn’t feel wrong, so I didn’t hesitate much to give her an explanation of what was actually going on, not that it was that far from what we were portraying on TV for the whole country. 

“Uhm, yes” I said, a little bit blushed, spotting the blonde men a few meters away from us. I wanted to make sure he couldn’t hear, I wasn’t having this as the first time he heard that I loved him.. “We are, but I haven’t told him that I love him yet, but I do, either way we are dating, he’s my boyfriend” I said, smiling a little because of the tingling sensation the word boyfriend left in my stomach. 

Annie laughed excitedly, jumping a little to dodge a wave. I laughed, her hair looked pretty while wet, a dark orange that shone because of the sunlight hitting it, it looked like fire, maybe she would wear the girl on fire tittle better. I found it silly that she cared so much about it, and wondered if she was excited because we could love freely while she couldn’t. 

“I told Finnick that it had to be true! I watched you two carefully and both of you seemed way too pinned with each other”

“We are yeah, it’s just that Peeta is way more talented with feelings and words.” I explained. 

“You should tell him you love him, you never know how much time you have left.”

“I’m trying to find the right moment for it, it feels like a big deal”

“And you are right, it is. Maybe the pearl was sending you a message that it has to be soon though”

“I will, I promise” and as I told her, I wonder if she says it from something in particular, or because she wished she could love Finnick as freely as we could. 

The conversation kept going for a bit, and I submerged quite a few times in the ocean since the waves were only getting bigger and bigger. Swimming around with Annie and laughing off silly ideas that escaped her mind felt like being in another reality where President Snow couldn’t reach us. Then I noticed that I wasn’t noticing my surroundings, because when I looked around I couldn’t see Peeta, or the bronze curls of Finnick’s head. I felt my stomach grow a void so big I could be consumed by it and disappear forever. 

“Peeta?” I said, looking around me to find him. “Peeta!” 

Then I saw Finnick emerge from the water carrying someone with him, and as I managed to gain focus on his figure, the void that was consuming me from inside grew wider. There's a metallic leg hanging from one of Finnick’s sides, a leg that can only belong to Peeta. I felt my heart stop and my breathing disappear, and as soon as I could regain sense from what was happening, I ran to them. 

Finnick ran to the ground to put him down at the same time I arrived by their side. I fell to my knees immediately and put my hands near his lips and nose hoping to catch a  bit of breeze coming from him but it didn't, nothing came out. My eyes fill with tears and my breath shakes. It can’t be happening, not like this, not know 

“Peeta, wake up! This is not funny!” I shook him, already crying, because as the seconds passed his lips turned more and more blue.

I laid beside him and put my head on his chest hoping to find the sound that soothes me to sleep, hoping to reassure myself that everything is alright, to find the music that his heartbeats mean to me. But instead of finding what should be there, I find nothing, because there’s nothing. Peeta’s heart doesn’t say anything, and all that met my ear was silence. 

Pure and painful silence.

Chapter Text

"I've heard of a love that comes once in a lifetime, and I'm pretty sure that you are that love of mine"

I punched Peeta’s chest as if that was going to make him wake, or move. I was full on sobbing, and I couldn't control what I was doing. That’s when my breathing started to shake and my sight threatens with disappearing, but I tried my hardest not to let it happen, because Peeta must be okay, he couldn’t be dead, his heart has to beat again, I couldn’t live without him, I couldn’t keep going without my dandelion. 

“Let me. Help her, shell” he said, and he sounded scared, more scared than he should’ve for my own peace of mind.

I felt Finnick pushing me and I almost wished to push him back, he didn't get it, I needed Peeta to wake up. I fell down on my butt and someone held me tight in a hug. I saw a glimpse of red hair, so I assumed it must’ve been Annie, but I didn’t care much about her right then, not about anyone but the boy lying in front of me dead, no, he was not dead. He was alive, he would be alright, there was no way I would never get to see him smile, to hear him laugh, to feel his embrace again. This was the worst nightmare I had ever been trapped in, and the worst part? It wasn’t even one. 

That’s when I saw a scenario that confused me the most. Finnick put his fingers in Peeta’s neck and then counted ribs, after he had located something that didn’t make sense to me, he blocked Peeta’s nostrils and kissed him. I was taken aback, not only because of Annie’s tight holding around me, but because watching Finnick kiss my boyfriend wasn’t on my list of events I would experiment that day. 

“What are you doing?” I yelled at him, still sobbing. 

“He’s helping him, Kat.” I heard Annie mumble as she stroked my hair. “He’s gonna be just fine, fine” She didn’t sound so sure. 

That’s when it clicked. Finnick was reanimating Peeta. I had seen my mom do it once in a while, mostly flashbacks from when my father was so weak she had to do it to him. It was probably the worst time of the life of my mom, to watch the love of her life just disappear in depression and sickness while she was reanimating him from death again and again, back then it only pained me because of my dad, now having a dead Peeta in front of me, it also pained me for my mom. I felt like puking, like what was happening was all my fault. It felt bizarre, that the boys around me that mattered ended up with fates so similar and twisted to each other, like I had a curse hovering over me that punished me for trying to love someone. 

I watched carefully and painfully as Finnick applied pressure and gave him air, again and again. Ten. Fifteen. Twenty. Twenty-Five. The seconds were passing and the pain of my chest became stronger, asi it was me feeling the constant pushes that Finnick was leaving on Peeta. I wanted to die right there and then, to end it all, not even when he was almost dying in the arena would compare to the fear that I felt at the moment. 

The minutes kept going and my hope for having him back decreased. I held onto Annie as if she could save me from the horrible moment we were witnessing, and just as I thought too much time has passed, that Peeta found more peace in whatever scenario he found on the other side, that I would now become a dead person inside an alive body and would have to grieve for the rest of my life. I saw him cough and Finnick fell back into the sand, with a shaky and tired breath that mirrored the effort he just made to bring Peeta back. 

“Peeta! Oh thank god” I yelled and launched into him, trying to hold back the sobs that escaped from me. I pressed my ear into his chest to find his heart beating again, the steady rhythm that soothed me to sleep. 

I pushed myself back and stroked his hair carefully, checking whatever seemed to happen with him, then his eyes fluttered and the deep blue that I thought wouldn't meet my gaze again appeared. 

“Careful, the waves are really strong” he said, hugging me back, and holding back a laugh. 

He managed to make me laugh, but the tears didn’t stop. 

“Damn you Peeta Mellark!” I kissed him and hugged him again, trying to stop the awful crying that came from me. “You were dead! Your heart stopped!”

“It’s very much working now Kat, don’t worry”

I was still crying, holding him as hard as I could, worried that his life was going to slip from my hands at any moment. I remembered the way my dad suffered while my mom was grieving hers, and just confirmed even more the conclusion that had come to me that morning. I loved Peeta Mellark. The love that my mom said only came once in a lifetime, he was that love of mine, my sweet pure dandelion in the spring. 

“Katniss?” he sounded worried, and it just made the whole situation even more insane than it already was. “I’m okay, I promise”

“I love you way too much for you to do that to me again! We are teaching you how to swim as soon as we get back to twelve” I was still crying, and my breathing refused to normalize, even when Peeta hugged me back.

Annie giggled, and I heard her footsteps walk towards Finnick, who’s breathing was still heavy and loud but didn't manage to hide the sound of his soft laughter. Peeta laughed as well, and hugged me tighter at the same time as he kissed my forehead. I didn’t know why they were all laughing, why it seemed like a great time to make fun of me. Was my sobbing that awful that they couldn’t contain it? 

“I love you too, Kat” he mumbled back, and I could hear the smile in his voice. “I should be dying more often if this is the way I’m going to wake up each time” he joked, still in a murmur.

Too? His words made me realize what I had said myself. Of course Annie and Finnick were giggling over it, I had told him I loved him out of the fear of losing him, all that while insanely crying over him while trying to check that he was indeed okay, what a way to make it special Katniss , I thought, but didn’t let it show in the outside of my expression partly because I didn’t want to, and partly because I was crying so hard that it would never be noticeable anyway. I couldn’t think about it straight, I felt too distressed about the fact that I had seen him dead in front of me just a few moments ago, that he had toed the line of dying in what was supposed to be a safe environment.

“Don’t you dare joke like that Peeta Mellark!” I cried back. It also mortified me to keep thinking about the fact that I had ruined the special moment of when I was going to tell him that I loved him for the first time.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry, I won’t”

“Do you want to sit up?  We should get going, so the doctors can check him, and make sure that everything’s okay” Finnick said, and as I turned to him, I could see the way he was scrutinizing us. 

“No, he should rest before standing up” I didn’t stand up or let go of Peeta, and he didn’t move either.

“He still should be checked, to see if there’s water in places it shouldn't, besides, you on top of him while in underwear is going to make a scandal girl on fire”

“Finn!” Annie gave him a small hit in his shoulder, which made him pour towards her. “Peeta’s just fine fine, and we are here with them, it’s not going to be  scandalous”

Peeta laughed at their words, and left another kiss on my head. Now I was blushing, because I hadn’t realized what the scene looked like from the outside. To me Peeta had just died and resuscitated in a matter of a few minutes, probably one of the worst minutes of my life, but if someone else saw us, they would just see two semi-naked teenagers laying on top of each other while two other persons were watching them. Kinda creepy if I were to encounter it without a proper context. 

“How scandalous! Peeta! Katniss! what do you think you’re doing?!” I heard Effie’s voice yelling from afar. 

“See, shell? I told you” Finnick said, laughing at Annie.

Then I heard Haymitch’s voice. I could still feel tears rolling down my cheeks, but not the loud sobbings that were controlling me before. I sighed and sat next to Peeta, who remained lying down in the sand. He put one of his arms over his eyes to stop the sun from hitting his eyes. I was relieved to see him move, react, and breathe. The fear that I had before realizing how deep he had rooted in my heart made even more sense now, he truly had a control on my heart that would be the death of me if something ever happened. 

“Sweetheart? Boy? What just happened?” said Haymitch, now running to us at the sight of my face. 

“Peeta here just died died. We were swimming and a wave got him” Annie explained, retrieving everyone’s clothing from the hollow trunk.  “But he is just fine now. Finnick gave him rcp.”

“Well, that’s a very good catch up for what happened” Finnick stood up laughing a little and started to get dressed along with Annie.

Haymitch crouched down beside me and Peeta almost instantly. He seemed very pale at the sudden revelation, and changed his gaze between me and Peeta a few times before managing to talk. I laughed internally because he seemed so worried it was funny, that must’ve been the first reaction I had to Finnick taking Peeta out of the water.

“You two kids can’t be left alone for one second without facing something dangerous?!” he almost yelled. “I thought I had asked you to behave and stay safe, not to nearly die in a foreign District! What are you?! Toddlers?!”

I could hear he was getting choked up, and I smiled slightly. He really cared deeply for us, or at least enough for him to be this worried over us being in danger. Effie arrived not much after, struggling to keep balance on the sand because of her high heels. For the first time ever since I’ve known her, she was wearing little to no makeup, and a less opulent dress than usual. 

“Oh my!” she exclaimed and I could see little tears forming in her eyes. “I’ll call a doctor, and tell your prep teams and the mayor to push the dinner back a little” she cried out. “Are you a little better, Peeta? Oh you foolish children, how are you going to endanger yourselves like this?” she scolded us, but I could tell she was panicking. 

“I’m alright now, Finnick’s a really good kisser though” Peeta joked and laughed, his arm still over his eyes

Finnick and Annie burst out laughing and I rolled my eyes. He really didn’t have a serious bone in his body when it came to situations when he was the center of attention, no wonder why the people of the capitol and around us in general adored him, he was really easy to care for, to root for, to love .

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪

The dinner had been postponed until the next day, which meant we would have to stay another day in district 4, and make the tour last longer than we had expected. Peeta had really swallowed a lot of water during the accident so the doctors wanted to watch him closely to make sure there would be no complications with his lungs and breathing whatsoever. 

I went with him as the doctors cleared him to have visits in his room, and hadn’t left ever since. I felt guilty about the accident, about the fact that I was dumb enough to forget that even if I knew how to swim, he wouldn’t have had a way to, and that probably his prosthetic only made it harder for him to have some control under water. The more I thought about it, the guiltier I felt. How could I have thought only of myself? How could I have been so distracted that I didn’t notice him drowning? 

“How are you feeling? Up to some food?” I asked him. 

I was sitting on a chair beside him, holding his hand as hard as I could without injuring him. I felt lost, as if the breakage of physical contact with him would immediately put him in a terrible danger that I wouldn’t be able to keep him safe from. The emptiness that I had in my stomach didn’t fade, in fact, it probably only grew wider the more I thought of the image of Peeta dead in front of me. 

“I’m up to hearing how much you love me again” He joked, smiling towards me. In his free hand he had the two pearls that we had gotten before, and he was playing with them almost unconsciously. 

“You are really not going to let it go, right?”

“Oh well, let me think…” he said, trying not to laugh again. “The girl I have been in love with since I was five years old just told me she loves me back after twelve years of waiting, what do you think?”

“I think you should eat your soup before it gets cold” I said, rolling my eyes again. 

Then, after  Haymitch walked into the room holding a device in his hand. I wanted to question him on it, but before I could talk to him about it, he held one finger up in the air and smiled slightly at both of us. I wondered what it was that he wanted to tell us so I waited for him to say something instead of interrupting him almost immediately. 

“Haymitch just put them on the phone already!” my mother’s voice rang through the place, from the little thing he had in his hands. 

“Hold on, I’m just making sure they’re decent for the camera, I swear, today’s teenagers…” he said, looking.

“I might have to tell Effie you’re behaving very out of manner” Peeta said, coughing a little after letting out a laugh. 

“I might have to tell my friend right here about this weird wagons accommodation then”

“ Bread boy! Songbird! Are y’all alright?”

Haymitch gave us the device, only after pointing us both as if warning us not to mention anything to Effie about his little joke, I knew she scolded him for his behaviour often, but with this whole new layer of relationship between them I had discovered it was even funnier than before.  

The little thing showed my parents and sister in a big rectangle and then us in a tiny one in one corner. I was curious about it. I had heard from Madge that they existed, but being from the seam we could’ve never afforded it. I wondered then if Peeta had seen one or even had one, but even then it seemed unlikely, who would he call? Why would they have it? It wasn’t as if 12 was that big, the district was small enough for everyone to keep in contact without needing one. Though now that we were out of home they felt useful, maybe it was time to look at how to get one. 

“Well I’m not the one who almost died” I answered, sighing. 

“I’m alright Burdock, I promise, just a wave trying to whip me out”

“Don’t you dare play it like it was nothing Peeta Mellark! You were lucky there was someone there who knew how to help you!” my mother scolded him and he got shy and blushed. 

I laughed at his reaction. Peeta was easily intimidated probably only by my parents, though he had no reason to be, they loved him, and treated him as if he was their own son, still, poor Peeta felt as if he had to proof something to them to keep being in the family, I didn’t understand it and didn’t know if I would ever, seeing that one of his parents hated me and his brothers barely talked to me because of it. It was a weird relationship, my interactions with them, but at least I knew Otho at least held a bit of care for me in some way. 

“I’m sorry” he said a bit nervously. “But I swear I’m okay now. Katniss hasn’t let me out of her sight for a second and I don’t think she will anytime soon”

“Sounds very much like her” Prim said, and I rolled my eyes. “She’s got a soft spot for you now”

I opened my mouth towards her and tried not to laugh. It was obvious she wanted to tease me, and for a moment I was willing to play the little game. I liked when Prim behaved just like the little kids she was, and ignored all the suffering around her caused by the awful and fucked up system we all lived in, it almost made life feel normal. 

“I haven’t! I don’t got a soft spot for anyone, little duck ”

“Oh yes you do” Peeta said, smiling excitedly, and I could almost read his mind as to what he was about to mention. 

“If you dare to repeat it you won’t be hearing it ever again” I threatened, pointing at him with my finger. 

“Sorry guys, I tried.”

My father laughed and then my mother talked again. 

“They’re treating you right though, yes?” she asked, and the worried look he had on his face at the start of the call reapered. 

“Absolutely, they’ve got doctors from the capitol checking on me and even postponed today's official dinner so I could rest”

“Good.” she said, smiling a little. Her smiles had become a little bit smaller ever since my grandma passed away, and though everyone could notice, no one dared to mention it, not around her anyway.

“Well we better go now, Haymitch said it was better if we didn’t talk for long, security measures and stuff”

“If he said it it’s better to obey then” Peeta answered and smiled. 

We all said our goodbyes and the call ended. I missed them so much, it felt like I hadn’t seen them in years and it had just been a little over a year. It didn’t make sense at all, but then again, what did make sense in a country as lost in injustice as Panem? Nothing, that was the correct and only answer. 

“All done?” Haymitch came into the room again, with a tiny smile. “How are you feeling boy?”

“Neat, just my chest that hurts a little”

Two more pressences joined the room and I smiled at the sight of them. 

“Well it would surprise me if it wasn’t hurting, I could’ve even broken your ribs by the strength I had to apply” Finnick said with a smirk on his face. 

I rolled my eyes, and laughed at him. His attitude overall was always kinda cocky, and though at first it was irritating, it was becoming quite funny, to see him act like a peacock all the time. I could see myself getting used to spending time with him and Annie, I could see us four being friends even, but I didn’t know how much of that would be actually possible, given that after the tour we wouldn’t be able to travel and our interactions would be limited as mentors, unless one of us had a tribute win the quarter quell, which for us, seemed unlikely. 

Mentoring has occupied a big spot in my mind. The more I thought about it, the more it hurt. I couldn’t bare to think about having to guide two kids close in age to us to their certain death, because I knew, there was no way that the capitol would let another district 12 tribute be crowned again, not after the sensation we had became in the capitol and the districts, not when our victory and tragic love story was still in its peak. 

“Oh I didn’t know you also like to brag about your strength merman ” I said, getting up to fetch Peeta’s food. 

Didn’t want him to have to eat a cold soup, they were not that tasty, and even though our taste as people from district twelve wasn’t that strict or refined, a cold soup wasn’t a great deal either. It could be bad tasting, but the least you could do to make it okay was having it at a decent temperature.

“Oh he likes to brag about everything” Annie said, and then she gave us the little bundle of fabric between her hands. “We sneaked this in, so you two don’t have to eat the awful awful hospital food. We made it with Mags.”

“I can brag about my cooking skill as well, you want to hear?”

Haymitch pushed him slightly towards the door rolling his own eyes, which I could be thankful for. I just wanted Peeta to rest as much as he needed to feel better, and even if I really liked Annie, Finnick looked like someone who didn’t know when to shut up. I laughed a little and took the food from Annie as she left besides Finnick and Haymtich. 

“Eat and rest kids, see y’all tomorrow”

Peeta smiled towards me as I was unpacking the food, and I stared at him, confused by his sudden gaze. 

“What?” I asked, frowning a little.

“You know what would make me feel better?” he asked. 

“What?”

“To hear you tell me how much you love me”

I groaned mortified by his words, and rolled my eyes. 

“Just eat your food and go to sleep, Peeta Mellark”

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪

The next morning I was woken up by Peeta himself moving a little in the tiny bed we were in, and I found myself a bit lost at the sight of the room we were in, that was until the flashbacks of all that had happened the day before hit me all at once. I didn’t want to realize it, that we were still out of home, in the wild, on a mission of succeeding in establishing peace with our actions, but we were and there was nothing we could do about it besides trying to survive the cyclone. 

I sighed and sat down on the hospital stretcher, yawning while at it. I then noticed my breath was shaky and my cheeks had tears. It made no sense, but having just woken up I couldn’t put my mind to it that much, as if I was still trying to get my mind to react to the environment we were in. Peeta was still sleepy himself, but we both knew that the doctors would come soon enough to check on him, and along with that, our prep teams. They really didn’t take no for an answer and we had a schedule to run back into, it wasn’t going to be easy. I could almost hear a frustrated Effie bossing people around for our dinner to be just perfect. 

I appreciated her more than she would know, especially because without knowing it she was saving our lives, but all the new capitol celebrity was way too much for me, for us, not to mention the awful nightmare that yesterday’s accident had been. My mind wondered again at the time of my father’s accident, how he seemed so far away, so detached, so disconnected from everything surrounding us, and how that made my mom fall into a silence that no one could take her out of.  She still functioned, though normally, still tried to make sure Prim and I were as fed as she could. She wasn’t the same, the despair of my father had become contagious and she fell ill to it for the longest time as well. 

I then replaced their story in my head with me and Peeta. It was cruel to do it, but it was like a twisted game that just reassured me how dangerous it was to be in love with someone, to need them so much that it hurt not to be near, and the worst part was that I was already there. If Peeta and I lived through the things my parents did, with two kids and almost no money, I too would be unresponsive, numb, taken out of my own mind. For the longest time I had blamed them both for not being there entirely, for leaving me with such a burden, but the more I grew older and the closer I became to Peeta, the less I could hold that grudge against them, because their feelings suddenly made total sense to me. 

And then the flashback of the nightmare appeared. Peeta surrounded by flames, having chunks of wood falling on him, screaming my name for help, and me being unable to help him, watching him die burnt alive, and then the nightmare had switch again, to the same situation but this time surrounded by water, and watching his body pushed out of control, hitting amongst rocks and corals until the life disappeared from him, until I was left with nothing.

“Please don’t die” I said to him, watching him carefully. 

“Well, good morning to you too” he said while yawning, rubbing his eye with his hand. 

“I mean it, you can’t die, nothing tragic can happen to you” I said again, looking him directly in the eyes. 

He frowned and nodded. “Nightmare?” he asked, stretching out his arms for me. 

I didn’t hesitate much and melted in them right away again. 

“A horrible one”

“It was silent” he said, stroking my hair softly. 

“Not less scary” I mumbled back.

“Well, I promise I’m very much alive, you are literally hearing my heartbeat as of now”

I knew that I could feel his steady breathing accompanying this heartbeat, it still was an awful dream that I wish I could forget. In theory we were safe from a tragic death as one in the arena could be, but that didn't make my fear disappear, because we were still threatened, still walking on tip toes to keep us and our families alive, and that meant that death could eventually be an accidental destiny for us. 

“Do you think we’ll be left alone when the tour ends?” he whispered, tracing random drawings on my back.

“No, I don’t think so.” I said, sighing. “Even less if we announce the marriage plans”

“Do you still find it necessary? We’ve been doing good at convincing people”

“I think we can only be so sure and do our best” I sat again, to look at him. “That it’s better not to take the risk and do everything in our power to protect our loved ones.”

Peeta smiled a bit tightly and nodded. 

“Are you sure you want to do it?”

“Yes” I said almost immediately. “There are a pair of pretty pearls waiting for us to turn them into wedding bands” I joked, brushing his hair out of his forehead. “Are you?”

Peeta nodded a bit hesitantly and I observed him carefully, worried that I might’ve been pushing the wrong idea into our lives, if at the end of the day, him loving me didn’t mean he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, or if he maybe didn’t love me quite as much as to take a decision like than one so soon.

“I am” he answered, sighing again. “I just wish it could’ve been on our own terms, on our own time, on our own way” he answered.

“We can still do it like that, in the future” I said, taking his hand between mine, smiling slightly. “Just us two and our families with a toasting ceremony”

He nodded again and stroked my hands with his. He looked lost in thought, as if there were a lot of things bugging him at the time. I couldn’t blame him, not at all, we were held at a gunpoint and had to make decisions that weren’t easy but had to be made. It wasn’t my favorite thing to do, being forced to act in certain ways or to please a public that didn’t even know us, but I wasn’t about to contradict the one man in Panem who really have the power to wipe every single loved one of us out of the history of earth. 

“And what about the fake one?” he said. “Will you just live with me from then on? Do you want to leave your family on their own?”

“They will never truly be on their own as long as I’m alive" I said immediately, wrinkling my nose a little. “And as for everything that comes with marriage, we’ll cross those bridges when we have to.”

“We’re almost already there, or at least as soon as we announce it in four days” he said. “I really want them imposing as least decisions on us as I can, Kat”

“The natural thing is for us to live together, and I like the idea” I said, looking him in the eye. “Outside of us being a couple, and having this show to put on, we’re a great team”

“If at any point in time you feel any other way, please tell me. I don’t want to be doing anything you are not sure about”

“I will. I promise”

 Then the doctors came, and with them our eager prep teams that “needed” to catch up with the lost time and the schedule that Effie had planned. I was taken away from the hospital room in a blink by Venia, Octavius and Flavius, who were utterly scandalized by the state of my salt dried hair. I had no other option than to go with them, only after hearing from the doctors that Peeta was perfectly fine and that he would be out of the clinic as soon as the paperwork was completed. 

Surprisingly, they didn’t take me to the train, but to Annie’s home. They explained that the space was much more comfortable and that she had no problem with letting us borrow it. As soon as we entered the house and saw it neat, clean and organized I wondered if she even lived there, or if she just kept it that way and sneaked to Finnick’s in search of a comfort only they two could give to each other, as Peeta and I.

She stayed with me the whole session. Making small talk with my prep team and tiny conversations with me. As much as I had thought I was the only one enjoying the company the day before, she had just proved me wrong, because there was no other explanation as to why she had gone out of her way to help me in all of the mess that our staying in district 4 had turned into. 

I appreciated it, the company, the support, the filling of the awkward silence between me and Flavius, Venia and Octavia. Often, they would have to scoop the words out of me, but having Annie there, they weren’t even minding the fact that I barely spoke directly to them at all. She was very amusing and funny to be around, and I found myself wondering if Finnick had known her before the games, if her reaping had been planned, and if her survival through the games was actually a happy accident from the game makers, just as Peeta’s and I was. 

I knew her own prep team would arrived shortly, because as a victor she would have to attend the so-called dinner to celebrate with us. I didn’t like the concept of it. Eating until I was full, not that I was planning on doing it either way, while there were people starving to death just outside those walls. It was bizarre, macabre, and of course a concept that could only still be in function because of president Snow's  ideals. 

“You look very pretty in green” I said to her, as I watched her stylist curl her red hair in loose waves. 

“And you look pretty pretty in orange” she answered, smiling back at me. “I hope they match you with Peeta for the dinner”

I laughed and nodded, because the idea seemed likely, they had been doing it for the whole tour, and they wouldn’t skip it if they had the chance. Not even the color of choice seemed deliberate, as I knew for a fact the shade of orange on me was Peeta’s favorite. I got chills at the thought, because that had been a private conversation of ours, and now it felt like a direct threat from the upper forces, telling us that we were being watched and listened to even when we didn’t think about it. 

I actually didn’t want to go, but there was nothing else I could do. When the time came I just held on to Peeta as hard as I could, hoping for the clock to work faster in some twisted way. He was indeed dressed in orange, which made me more uneasy than before, and watching Finnick be in a lighter shade of green than Annie made it worse. Had they been spying on them too? I knew for a fact their relationship wasn’t public, not all, so the kind of matching outfits scared me, as if it was supposed to be a warning for all of us.

 I spent the evening analyzing everyone in the room, as if they could snitch a lie about us to President Snow, as if everyone was a potential threat, and when the time for food came I just tossed almost everything on Peeta’s plate without anyone noticing. I wasn’t feeling up for it. The guilt, the pain, the thought of the people that had died because of me, all of that crept in as a wave, crushing me under, leaving me unable to breathe. 

We had only four districts left, counting our own, but this leg of the tour felt different, as if something would keep alongating it, as if we would be trapped in it forever, or maybe it was just my paranoia working over time. Either way, none of it was a good sign, nothing in Panem ever was.    

Chapter Text

“Wish I’d known it was just our turn, being blamed for a world we had no power in, you and I had nothing to show, we didn’t know anything”

Somehow I was right. As soon as we left district three and ventured into the career districts, it was all different. The chaos that we thought we had extinguished in the rest of the district was a whole wildfire in ignition, at least in two. The people were mad, and as much as the peacekeepers tried to hide it, there were blood stains all over the alleys and the squares that made it visible, palpable, real. 

At first I had tried to ignore it, but the more we walked through it to follow the protocols made for the speeches and the dinners, the more evident it became. The grafittis with my pin, the people looking at us and whispering as we passed, the flashes of hope that were in their eyes as we made eye contact with them. It terrified me, I didn’t want it, any of it. I was supposed to be doing the exact opposite of what was happening. If it kept going the way it was, Snow was gonna kill me, kill them. That was something I could simply not afford. 

I couldn’t stop thinking about them. About my parents, Prim, Hazelle, her children, Peeta’s family. It all ached as if I had already signed the sentence of their death, as if I was hand tied to a sealed destiny that refused to rewrite itself with me, no matter how hard I tried to escape, it would always find me, he would always find me. I could not bring myself to stop imagining it, to think about a world where Otho wouldn’t be there to hug Peeta, where Hazelle wouldn’t be there to scold Rory, where my parents wouldn’t be there to soothe Prim to sleep, where Otho wouldn’t hug Peeta every sunday after the work day ended for him.

“Peeta, this is like a parallel reality from the other districts” I mumbled. I was choked up, my chest felt tight, and the tears were already threatening to come out. “How are we going to solve this?”

We were in, his room? my room? Our room. As it had become usual I was laying on his chest, trying to focus my mind on his steady heartbeat, like it was a promise of a better life, though I knew it wasn’t, nothing in Panem could be better, and nothing would ever be as long as Snow remained president. I wanted him to tell me the solution to our problem, to tell me it would be okay, that no matter what happened, we were in it together, and though the last part was true, deep down I knew, there was no real solution to all of it, because it wasn’t entirely our fault. 

How could Snow expect that decades of dictatorship, authoritarianism, starvation and exploitation would simply turn off? How could he think that the people would forever be at peace with whatever his plans were? It was torture, waking up every day and knowing there was nothing to do but to accept it, and now that it had been a spark of defiance, it would be very hard to turn it off, even if that hadn’t been my intention. Could he manage to do it? Had he done it in the past and that is why he was so sure about it?

“Do you think it’s better to announce the engagement tomorrow? make it look as if it slipped out of our mouths, as if we shouldn’t have said anything? that may be more convincing, as if we were trying to keep it a secret from them” he suggested. 

“It’s okay with me, it’s just, I don’t think the veracity of our love is the problem now, These people are mad”

“But it’s the best we can do, to keep on the show” he said, stroking my hair. 

“I know it is. I just, I don’t know if it will work” I said. 

“The best we can do is try” he left a kiss on my forehead, and from then we fell in silence. 

There was not much to say, and to say we were scared would be an understatement, but we had to keep going, because somehow, the fragility of the system had fallen solely on us. What if it was never enough? What if they started asking for more? How long would it take for them to forget our show? Would they ever?The answer terrified me, and for the moment, I rather not think about it that much. 

I drifted to sleep before I could really notice it, and as it was usual, the world of my nightmares came to me, terrorizing even the smallest parts of my days, or my mind. I woke up in Peeta’s house at twelve, and looked in the mirror almost immediately. There I encountered my reflection but it wasn’t really me, no. She seemed more mature, her hair was longer and her features stronger, definitely not underweight, more like full of muscle. 

I frowned. I felt confused, what was happening? Where was I? I felt lost, hadn’t I just been on my victory tour with Peeta just seconds ago? There was a smell driving me out of bed, it could only be Peeta’s doing, no one would ever come close to his baking, never in life. I felt a little numb, out of myself but I didn’t put much thought to it and made myself go downstairs. 

I knew this was Peeta’s house, but it felt different at the same time, warmer, fuller, not just the place where he lived on his own anymore. I looked down at my hand and found two golden bands on my left, one of them with the blue pearl I had given Peeta just a few days ago, well no, it seemed and felt like it had been years since then, but as I looked around while walking, as I examined the hallways something felt different, there were photos of moments that I didn’t remember happening. 

Wedding portraits, from me and Peeta, from my parents, from Haymitch and Effie?  and even from Prim and Rory. I felt like an intruder, lost in the place. Was this supposed to be my home? How long had it been since my last memory? Then, and as if it was a punch in my gut, there was a family portrait, and that almost brought me to tears. 

 Peeta, me and three little kids. Two girls and one boy, though one of the girls seemed a bit older, and the two other kids were very much alike. Were these my children? It didn’t make sense, not one bit, and even in the portrait, I looked younger than the woman I had seen in the mirror. In the painting I looked so full of life and love, probably because of Peeta’s talented hand with a brush. 

I kept going, I forced myself to. The smell was still there and I wanted reassurance, I wanted someone to snap me out of whatever was happening. I almost ran down the stairs and then to the kitchen. Peeta was there, he looked normal, at least from his back. His leg still amputated, his shoulders still broad and his golden locks still falling messily from his hair. I felt a bit better at the sight of him. 

“Peeta?” I mumbled, and he turned back almost immediately, a bit scared. 

“Hey, you scared me!” he laughed at the sight of me, and I stared at him in disbelief.

He was for sure still Peeta, because there wasn’t a soul on earth who I could confuse with him, and well, who was as handsome, but he was also different. He looked older, more mature, his arms were definitely bigger and his jawline was more accentuated than what I had seen just a few, no, in my last memory of him. Seriously though, how long had it been? I frowned even more, trying to find something that would give me the answers I needed. 

“Is everything okay, love ?” he asked, and I blushed. 

Love? That was a new one, but indeed, everything was not okay. How could I tell this man that my last memory of what seemed like a long life together was our Victory Tour, what had happened with all those years in between? Who were the kids in the portrait? Were they ours? I truly was trying my hardest to understand what was happening, but I couldn’t, I had a giant void where my memories were supposed to be. 

“ Pretty? Is everything alright?” 

“I- I don’t know” I said, shaking my head. “I’m lost, my last memory is our night before district 1 in the victory tour” I was terrified, why couldn’t I remember all those years by his side?

“Don’t joke with me like that, Kat, It’s not funny” He said, hugging me, and laughing nervously. 

“I’m not joking. Peeta I’m-” I was cut short, because new voices joined us. 

“Mom! Dad! Willow Rose and Summer Ivy are making fun of my rash again!” a boy said, and I turned immediately. 

He was blonde, as blonde as Peeta, his golden locks were duplicated perfectly in him, and I had to question myself in the statement I had made in my mind before, because this boy was indeed as pretty as Peeta, the only difference was the color of his eyes, they were gray and it was as if I was staring right back into mine. He was probably around nine years old at most. He indeed had a rash, red spots covered him from head to toe.  He was the same age as me when my father had his accident, yet he looked so fragile, so little, had I looked like that at his age? I probably looked even smaller because of the lack of food. 

“I told him to stay away from the Ivy on the Meadow, he hasn’t been studying his plants” a second kid appeared, this time one of the girls, and she looked the same age as the boy. “You should’ve known better Rye Copper ” she teased him again. 

She stumped me, because it was as if Peeta and Prim had been combined into a tiny human being, and her eyes were a grayish blue as if someone had made a perfect combination between mine’s and Peeta’s, all of her was like that. Her hair was more of the same story, she had my hair color, but not entirely, there were blonde strands peaking all over her hair

Peeta laughed and shook his head, taking the boy in his arms. He left a small kiss on his forehead. The little boy looked so tiny in between Peeta’s arms that it made my heart ache. My memories weren’t there but my feelings surely were, I loved these kids, I had no other explanation for the sudden need to protect them, to take them away from everyone, to escape and hide them from the world. How did I end up with kids in such a horrible world as Panem? And there was still one girl missing. 

“He was mocking my attempt to paint with oil painting for the first time, he had it coming!” The third girl appeared.

I didn’t know which one was Willow Rose and which one was Summer Ivy, but the formula of all three of their names transported me to the long names of our long lost family back in district 12. She looked exactly like me, but she was older than the other two, probably eleven or twelve, then I felt shudder down my spine, just in time to enter her first reaping. And again, her blue eyes couldn’t go unnoticed, not by me anyway.

“She was using linseed oil to make the first coat glazes! She looked silly!” he pouted towards Peeta.

“That’s no excuse to make fun of your sibling, and that goes to all of you” he said and left a kiss on everyone's cheeks.

What happened then was horrible, and the screams that left my throat hurt, hurt so much that I felt like I couldn't breathe. A squad of peacekeepers entered the house without previous advice, and as if it was orders from above, as if it was nothing more complicated than blinking, they took the girls and ripped the boy from Peeta’s arms. 

“Mom? Dad? What 's happening?” The boy was already crying.

I tried to fight them but they held me back with much more force than I could take, much more force than I would ever be able to escape. I heard Peeta scream as well, and then, as a methodic domino effect, the Peacekeepers kneeled them down in front of us. I kicked, I bit, I punched but nothing worked, and it became worse when President Snow smiled at me from my living room. President Snow? What was he doing in my living room? How hadn’t I noticed him before?

“Mommy I’m scared!” the smaller one of the girls said, trying to get back to us.

“Oh my dear Miss Everdeen, you should’ve known.” He said, and stood on his feet, walking towards us. “You disobeyed, and it’s not you who suffers the consequences.”

The bigger girl catched on to what was happening and opened her eyes our way, trying to run, to escape, to hide, but it would be useless, the peacekeepers would never let her go. She looked terrified, like a little bunny that just noticed it had gotten on to the trap it was in. It pained me, because I couldn’t do anything about it. I cried as well.

“Mom help!” she yelled, and President Snow shook his head with a sigh.

Then he nodded to the peacekeepers, and they shot. 

The living room became crimson, with the corpses of my kids laying in front of me, stained with blood that wouldn’t stop coming out. I screamed, I cried, I shook, but nothing worked, they would not let me go. I wanted to die, why would he do that? They didn’t do anything. Willow Rose, Summer Ivy and Rye Copper, too young to even understand what crimes they were being punished for.

“Katniss!” I heard my name called, and someone shaking me. “Katniss, wake up!” 

Peeta? Couldn’t he see the corpses of our kids right before us? 

“Katniss it’s just a nightmare, it’s okay, you are safe” I was, but they weren’t, no kid of mine, of ours, would ever be. 

And then I yanked awake, still screaming, still kicking, still trying to get to them, to hug them, to take them out of it. But I wasn't twelve anymore, I wasn’t in our home. I was in a wagon, and Peeta was looking at me, worried, stroking my hair. I looked into his eyes and felt a big weight lifting off of me. I could breathe. 

“It’s okay, you're safe, it was just a nightmare”

My cheeks were wet, and my throat hurt. I buried myself in his arms. It was just a nightmare, but was it? Was it really just a nightmare? Or was it a prediction of what my future would be?

“It’s okay” I mumbled and closed my eyes, unable to escape the images of the three little kids falling to the ground, still and drained of color. It wasn’t okay. I wouldn’t be able to sleep more that night. 

“You’re safe” 

But was I? Were we? No, the answer was no, because we would have to spend our lives as pawns of President Snow to protect the lives of our loved ones. I snuggled in his arms and attempted to sleep again, but the terror of encountering another nightmare made it impossible, so I just stared at the ceiling instead.

 As the morning came, so did the usual routine. We were having breakfast to plan the best speech and show possible, but all I heard were the screams of the kids, and all I saw was their blood pooling unstoppably at my feet. I still felt numb, and out of my mind. Was that actually waiting for me? Was that the destiny we were dealing with marrying each other? I couldn’t think about another thing that wasn't the nightmare, how he was in my living room, assassinating my children, but even if he wasn’t, I knew they would be destined to the arena, as soon as they were old enough to make a great show.

“Katniss? Are you okay with that plan?”

Effie’s voice snapped me out of my trance. I was playing with the food on my plate, and Peeta’s concerned gaze fell on me. 

“Sorry?” I said, confused by her words.

“I was asking if you were okay with announcing the engagement today instead of with Caesar tomorrow”

“Oh yeah, you told them about our plan?” I asked Peeta, without being able to look at him. I was afraid to encounter the horror expression that I had seen in the dream. 

“About the slip up? Yeah” 

“It’s settled then” Haymitch said. “Do y’all want me to pass the message to your families before?”

“Yes” Peeta said, nodding slightly. “Please”

“Excuse me” I said, and stood up to go to the end of the train, to the glass capsule in which I would be able to watch the landscape without feeling trapped. 

I left my food, left my chocolate, left everything without waiting for a confirming sign that I could go. I wasn’t asking for permission to do it anyway. I felt sick to my stomach. The guilt that had died down a bit just resurfaced as a big wave that was about to drown me, and now, next to the faces of the tributes that were dead, were the faces of my non-existing children with Peeta. So small, so fragile, so full of life and love, and yet, dead either way, killed by president Snow. 

I stared off into the trees around us, covered by snow. It looked cold, and for a moment I wished there was a way to jump off the train and end it all, but I knew there wasn't, and even then doing that to my family would be the most selfish thing ever. I was tired, so tired of the tour, or our victory, it felt like my life before the games had been years ago, when in fact it hadn’t even been one year since the tragic events of them. 

Even then, I couldn’t help but feel longing for the kids that I saw, to the golden haired boy and to the blue eyed girls. I wanted to hold them tight, to tell them that I would protect them, to assure them that no matter what, I would make sure that they were safe, that nothing wrong could happen to them, but the truth was, I couldn’t assure that, and as long as Snow was the President I wouldn’t be able to say otherwise. It felt out of character to long for them, to want them with me, as I had sworn that I would never have kids on my own, but now having experienced them in dream, I felt empty. 

My nightmares always haunted me without breaks, but this was different, this felt like my own mind was trying to tell me something, the problem was, it pained me way too much to actually try to decipher what it was. 

“Kat?” I heard Peeta’s voice and turned to look at him. “You’ve been absent minded, what’s happening?”

I bit my tongue, wondering if it was a right idea to tell him about the nightmare, wondering if telling him was a good idea, if it would help. I couldn’t lie to Peeta, and eventually he would read into me, as he always did. 

“It’s about my nightmare, last night” I said, and he sat next to me, taking my hand in his. “I can’t stop thinking about it”

“Do you want to talk about it?” he stretched out his arms, inviting me to a hug that I wouldn’t deny.

I nodded, and buried myself in his arms, sighing. 

“I woke up in your house, though it was our house, well in the future” I explained. “ I didn’t remember anything but the Victory Tour, and when I came down, I noticed that we had gotten married, had a family, children”

I felt his breath stop for a second. He didn’t talk, he just waited for me to keep going, I knew he wouldn’t interrupt me. 

“Three little kids, mixtures of us” I mumbled, "they were fighting over some silly sibling dispute about mocking each other.” I laughed a little. “Willow Rose, Summer Ivy and Rye Copper” I whispered, feeling the tears appear in my eyes. “But then Snow appeared with a bunch of peacekeepers, and said that in the end, it wasn’t me who would pay for my actions but them, and they shot them. There was blood everywhere and they were so little, so fragile” I said, burying my head in his chest. 

“Well those are very pretty names, even sound traditional to me” he mumbled and I knew what he meant, they sounded covey, because they were. 

“What if nothing turns out right? What if we are just setting ourselves up for failure?”

“We can’t afford to think like that Kat, not now, not ever” He kissed my head and I closed my eyes. 

He’s right, we just need to keep aiming higher for the arrow not to fall short on us. It was our turn to face the crowds, to be brave and put on our not so false acting before them, to be blamed for a world we had no power in. I wish I could pretend I had a choice in it, but we didn’t and we didn’t have anything but our relationship to put on the show. I often wonder if we would’ve taken a different decision if we knew what would happen after the games, but there’s no way of knowing, and we definitely didn’t know.

We spent the rest of the drive cuddled into each other, mostly Peeta trying to stop my sobbing, but it was not that useful, as the images of our children dying just replay in my head like a cruel carousel of death that won’t ever stop spinning, and when we arrive in District 1, the routine stayed the same, welcomed by the mayor, taken to the Justice Building, put on matching outfits, and prepared us to face the crowd.

When we stepped on the stage of district one Justice Building, I felt like puking the food that wasn’t in my stomach. I had killed both of them. Glimmer with the tracker jackers, and Marvel with an arrow through his throat, and then I took Glimmer’s bow straight from her and won. I felt disgusted, terrified, guilty, and the stares of their families didn’t make it any better.

They both had great chances of making it home, of surviving, of returning to their parents, but I took that from them. Me, a girl from twelve with hidden bow skill, took away the life of both tributes from district 1, the one district with the most winners, the one where this was a career, where this was a choice they made. They both knew they could die, but were so sure they wouldn’t, and I made sure they were dead. 

I heard Peeta’s voice in the microphone, and I was holding his hand so tightly that my fingers were cramping, I bet his were too. We were almost at the part we had planned, the one part of our speech that revealed to the whole world that we were actually engaged. We both had worn our pearls in an improvised necklace, agreeing that we would take them to Tam Amber as soon as we came back at twelve to turn them into rings. 

I wanted to freeze the moment, to not discover what would happen, how would the people react. I knew they were mad, and I knew why. They were watching the girl who had taken all of their tributes out make a speech besides the tribute that had committed treason against them, it was like a double combination of their most hated people of the year. The winner takes it all at last, though I wasn’t glad I was the winner, that we were.

“My fiancé, I mean-” He blushed as if he had made a mistake, and turned to me with false nerves. 

I opened my eyes as if I was actually surprised, and shook my head almost imperceptibly but enough for the people to notice, as if it had been meant to be a hidden gesture but they had caught it. I needed this to turn out right, to work, we couldn’t afford more mistakes, more uprisings, it was all going to be taken out on our loved ones. 

He looked at the public again, and the gasps were audible as I used my hand to hide the pearl on my neck, just as he did. Well, they had believed it, that we just slipped out of line, that we spilled a secret that wasn’t supposed to be said. Now I needed them to calm down, to forget about the idea that our berries had been a rebellious act, to understand that it had been all about love. 

“Katniss and I thank the Capitol and the games” he said, as if he was correcting himself in some way. “For letting us live and letting us express our love freely, to share it with you”

I smile, though I just know it’s one of the fakest smiles I’ve given in the whole tour, but that’s the point, to look nervous, scared, from the information we just revealed. 

“Panem today, Panem tomorrow, Panem forever” I complete with my cheeks very blushed. 

And then it happens in a matter of a couple seconds. I saw someone in the crowd raising his hand and I didn't understand what he had in it until it was too late. I connected my eyes with him and he mumbled something I couldn’t figure out, no that it matters, because just as he finishes I hear a gunshot. Loud, clear, and crisp, painful. Painful?

I looked at Peeta almost immediately, trying to make sure that he was okay, and though there were no signs of blood in him, he looked pale, as if he was about to faint, all color drained from his face. He said something to me, but I couldn’t hear him, my ears still with tinnitus from the weapon. I was in shock, I couldn’t move, but he should, he should run, it was not safe being out here. 

“Katniss!” He yelled, as my legs shook. 

I frowned and looked down to them, to try and understand where he was looking at, what he was looking at. Then I saw it, there was crimson all over my dress, and I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. I felt numb, dizzy, angry, and scared all at once, and as I tried to speak, a groan left my throat, followed by sobbing. 

“Peeta” I said incoherently, looking in his eyes again. 

Is this it? Am I gonna die? I then felt the burning from the bullet, and the numbness spreading through my whole body, up to my eyes, that started to fail me just as they did when I’m having a panic attack, only this time I was not so sure I would be able to wake up from that horrible nightmare. At least they are safe I tell myself, at least you did what you had to, at least it won’t hurt anymore. 

“Katniss!” Peeta yelled as I collapse. I felt a faint shake on my body, but it was not enough, because I drifted away as If I was asleep, only this time there wouldn’t be nightmares haunting me. 

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪

I felt her collapse in my arms, and with her my whole world did. I didn’t know where the blood was coming from, and I wasn’t sure I actually wanted to know. I took her in my arms as hard and tight as I could and while crying, I ran inside, to Haymitch, the only sane person who would be able to help me, or so I hoped. Was there even anything left to help?

“Haymitch!” I yelled for him, I pleaded for him. “Katniss, Katniss” I repeated, trying to breathe through the tears.

Haymitch ran towards us, and the more he walked, the more the color drained from his face. I didn’t want him doing that, I wanted him reassuring me that she would be okay, that everything would be fine, that this was all a horrible nightmare that I would soon wake up from. 

I felt like I was going to puke, and then I felt hands trying to take her away from me. No, they couldn’t do that, they couldn’t take her, I needed to help, I needed to do something, to save her. I wouldn’t be able to keep going without her, not now, not ever. nothing was really worth living without her, not after all we had fought to be together, to keep each other alive. 

“Peeta, you need to let them take her” Haymtich said, and I let her go, and started sobbing. We were surrounded by people, but I only needed her and Haymitch at the moment, and Haymitch was there. He hugged me and I let the tears fall. It was okay to cry around Haymitch.

“She will be okay” though I didn’t know if he meant it more for me or for him. 

I felt empty, horrible, especially after having had a horrible nightmare the night before, especially after knowing she had a horrible nightmare of our children being shot on sight the day before. Her nightmare became true, though it was me losing her. I wanted to be selfish, to yell at her to wake up, to tell her she wasn’t allowed to leave me, not like that, but I couldn’t move, couldn’t talk, and either way, she wouldn’t be able to hear me. Why did the damage have to get done to us? What horrible crime had we committed apart from being part of an awful system that gave us no choice? 

I thought about everything that had to do with her that my memory could recall, and I treasured it as if she was slipping through my fingers. I could feel my damp shirt from her blood, but I didn’t care, I just wanted her to be okay. How would I face her parents? Her sister? All of it was my fault, I had proposed the idea of getting married, and had agreed to announcing it like it was a slip up. 

“Peeta you need to breathe, she will be okay” Haymitch put his hands on my shoulders to look at my eyes, and I shook my head, falling to my knees immediately. 

He kneeled beside me and shook me. 

“Peeta, you need to be strong, for her” he said again. 

But I couldn’t, because I wasn’t strong for her, I was strong because of her, and now she wasn’t here, and I didn’t know if she would ever be. Would she be okay? I didn’t even see were the bullet had hit, maybe she would, maybe it was not that horrible of an injury, maybe the bullet hadn’t been strong enough, but that didn’t suffice my panic, because I had seen her fall, I had seen the life leaving her eyes, and now I didn’t even know where she was. 

“Boy, they are going to sedate you if you don’t stop” now he sounded worried and more desperate than before. 

My mind traveled to the time I had heard Burdock talk about Haymitch’s problem with alcohol, how it all had started with sleeping syrup, with something that was meant to help but ended up making things worse, making him fall into an abyss that he wasn’t able to escape until recently and barely. I tried to breathe, to concentrate, and I heard the relieved sigh he let go. 

She would be okay. She would be okay. She would be okay. She would be okay. She had to be. She was Katniss Everdeen, the girl on fire, the one who had managed to save us both from our sealed fate, who had made me fall in love with her just with her voice for the first time, and kept causing me to fall even more with every second that I passed next to her. 

She had to survive this. This damage couldn’t get done, not after all we had gone through to keep each other alive.

Chapter Text

"are we out of the woods? Are we in the clear yet?"

I took a deep breath as I managed myself through the fence. Just as soon as Peeta and Katniss had left for the tour, the capitol had sent new prosthetics, and oh boy were they different. They obviously were much more modern than the ones uncle Tam Amber had made for me, but for the first few days, it was really hard to get the hang of them. At the end I had managed, and then I understood why the bread boy’s life was so unbothered without his leg in contrast to mine. 

They would never be as good as having your own leg with you, but hell did they simplify everything a lot more, it was almost as having them back, and when I realized that, I almost cried from happiness. It was like getting back a part of myself I had thought long lost and dead. I couldn’t wait for my songbird to come home, to notice I was totally new, to show her we could return to our better times. 

It was December 11th, and they were almost done with the tour. We were expecting them here on December 14th at most for the conclusion of it. It had been a bit chaotic, especially after Peeta’s accident with the wave in District 4, but since then, everything seemed to be going smoothly, as much as a victory tour could. It had me on my nerves though, the last time I had her away for so long was for the games, and that was something I was hoping to forget as much as I could. She is alive, she is home, I repeated myself oftenly. 

My game bag was full of meat, mostly from snares and a couple of squirrels that I shot especially for Otho. Ever since our children came back, we had managed to get closer, and sometimes I would even call him my friend. The problem was, he seemed to be constantly feeling some kind of debt because of the time I saved him in the year of Haymitch’s games, and as much as I told him to let it go, he almost always seemed to put a few extra cookies in the bag of bread that he gave me when trading. 

My other bag was full of flowers and herbs, ever since being able to manage my legs more properly I made sure to collect everything Ast would need to keep running her little at home apothecary, and also, a little bouquet with the flowers that named her and our children. It made me happy to see her smile when I gave her everything that I had collected during my walkouts in the woods, just as she used to smile to me when I delivered her a few flowers here and there during her days in the apothecary. Everything felt almost normal, almost back to the way things were, except of course, the time I had lost with them, that was something I was having a hard time forgiving myself for. 

I stopped in front of the bakery and wondered if I should enter the place from the front, and just as I was about to discard the idea and go to the back to save myself from some trouble with Eira, Otho appeared on the front door, smiling slightly at the sight of me. He had been in a low mood ever since Peeta’s accident in district 4. I didn’t blame him, we were all worried in our  home, especially Prim. She cried a lot when she found out through Haymitch, and didn’t stop until he showed us that the boy was alright. It was funny to me, how much she had grown to love Peeta as an older brother, and how much Ast and I had grown to care for him as a son. He had something in him that made it inevitable to care for him. 

“Hey! Got something today? This weather it’s always a bit tricky” He said, and held the door open so I could walk in. 

His wife probably wasn’t home. I pitied him, more often than not, because I knew he had been in love with Ast, but even then, the wife he had ended up with was just a rude woman to everyone, and I often suspected he wasn’t really an exception to that rule. His kids were all like him, or at least mostly. Peeta reminded me of him the most, as I supposed Katniss would do to him with me. It was a silly thing that out of all the people in the district, our children’s lives ended up intertwined with each other. 

“I wouldn’t miss your precious squirrels, Katniss would lecture me till the end of the world” I said laughing a little and then entered the shop. There was always such a warm and pleasant feeling in the place, it made sense that Prim loved it so much. 

He laughed as well, and made his way to the back of the counter. 

“You really taught that girl to be an amazing shot” he said, putting bread in a bag, and then packing pastries in another one, I shrieked my eyes but said nothing. “Always through the eye”

I smiled. because he was right, though Katniss had taught herself more than I had taught her, and that made me even more proud. She had returned home to us because of that, at least I had done something right, at least I had helped her before being useless for a whole part of her life. 

“That’s my girl” I said proudly. I would never take people praising her lightly. She deserved it, she was such a brave and capable young woman, I often wished she could see herself through my eyes. 

I then took out the squirrels and handed them to him. Three of them. Peeta had told me that he truly liked them, and that he made some kind of soup that made them taste as good as any stew he had tasted in the capitol. I didn’t believe him much and Katniss contradicted him almost immediately, saying that nothing could be better than lamb stew and cheese buns. After that, he asked me and Kat to keep trading with his father, and to give him at least three squirrels for him and his brothers, and after that I always made sure Otho had his three squirrels. 

There were a few times he had refused them, because he had nothing to trade, but I lied to him and told him Peeta was paying for it. He wasn’t, he probably didn’t even know I was telling his father that, but I felt a little indebted to both him and Peeta anyway, for taking care of my girls. 

“Here” He gave me both the bags, the one with bread and the one with pastries. I arched my brow. “I told Primrose I would give her a bag of pastries in exchange of some of her goat’s cheese, and she gave me more than she should’ve”

I wasn’t so sure he was telling me the truth, but I also knew he wouldn’t take no for an answer, so I took the bags carefully and smiled slightly. Prim loved the pastries anyway, and I could just give him more undercover meat next time we traded if it ended up being a lie. I put everything in the bag with the herbs and flowers carefully and turned to look at him again. 

“Do you have any updates about Peeta?” I asked.

“Not much. Haymitch called yesterday to say he was already doing alright, but until I see him in person I won’t rest” he answered with a tiny smile and I nodded. That I could understand. 

“I know the feeling. Well, have a good day, Otho”

“You too, Burdock” 

And with that I left the place. I wouldn’t take my chances on encountering his wife and getting us both in trouble because of it. I didn’t have enough for going to The Hob, so I just walked home instead. Home what a funny little thing had that word become. I grew up used to The Seam being my home, and all of the sudden, after forty years of it, the Victors Village was my home. 

It hadn’t been that much time since we started living as a family in the village, but the sense of being an intruder in it had almost washed out, mostly because being in company of my family and who I thought was my long-lost best friend, helped a lot. Primrose had been the one who actually found it the easiest to get used to the whole house, but she was also the youngest one, and the one we tried to protect the most, so it made sense that all of our hardships didn’t mean quite the same as it meant for Ast, Kat, and me.

I often stood awake at night wondering around the house, thinking how much it had cost to our family to be there, thinking about the odds that had to work for us to be living there with Katniss, but I often ended up concluding that I would trade it back to make her demons go away, to watch her eat peacefully, to hear her sing to Prim without being followed by flashbacks of a girl that died in her arms. I would trade it in an instant, even if that meant I wouldn’t have gotten the prosthetics, even if that meant I would’ve never felt like myself again, because watching her suffering was something that made my heart ache more than I could handle. At least she had bread boy, I thought to myself, at least they found comfort in each other, at least they can fight their demons together . I repeated myself again and again, hoping that it would be enough to convince me that she would be okay. 

I entered the place and sighed. She will be home soon, I told myself, just a few more days and she’s back in Twelve. I walked to the house and entered carefully, taking off my boots before managing myself through the rest of it. Ast got pissed when I left all the floor dirty after hunting. 

Asterid. Oh my sweet Asterid. Everyday I was thankful Haymitch had been wrong about my chances. The day I confessed was the happiest of them all, especially after she had said that she loved me too. I remember running to my Ma and telling her all about the sweet girl with golden locks who felt the same as me, who kept the same feelings in her heart. Then the wedding came, just us two, and what was left of the Covey, celebrating together in the meadow, alongside music, and our culture. 

She also had given me our two biggest treasures together, our girls. Katniss and Prim would forever be our biggest blessings, and the people we looked out too most for in the whole entire world. What a shame I had drifted away for so long, that I had failed them for such a long time, that they had to face hardships that weren’t meant for their age. Still they did it, without complaining, without reproching it to us, and I think that was what hurt me the most, them not having the option to stay little for as long as they could. 

“Darling I’m-” I started to talk until I felt her hugging me behind my back. “Oh? My pretty wife woke up on the right side of the bed today?” I joked, putting the bags on the floor to then hug her back. 

“I always wake up on the right side of the bed, dear” she said, smiling towards me, and leaving a tiny peck on my cheek. “How was your trip?”

I laughed and left a tiny kiss on her forehead. 

“I know you are after Otho’s pastries.” I said, rolling my eyes jokingly. “But my trip was great, these damn prosthetics really do make the difference when going back. They are almost like the real thing” I said genuinely, breaking off the hug to pick up the bags. 

Ast laughed again and I smiled. Her laugh was truly one of the most amazings sounds I had gotten to hear through all my life. 

“I didn’t even know you were bringing pastries” she said, crossing her arms over her chest. “I was after my flower bouquet to see if you had brought katniss with you. I wanted to make stew today”

“Of course I did both things” I said smiling, giving her the little bouquet, admiring the little spark that ignited in her eyes as she saw it. “Also managed to catch a few rabbits, it would be a good idea to invite Hazelle and the kids to dine” I said, caressing her cheek to then walk to the kitchen to unload both the bags. 

She joined me immediately after having put the flowers in the vase. I smiled foolishly at the sight of her. Everyday I was more and more thankful that Haymitch had been wrong about my chances with her, that I had managed to make her fall in love with me, and that I had kept that love through the years. 

“That sounds fine, you can tell her after you drop off her part of the meat when Prim comes out of school” she nodded and started to pull down the jars for her herbs. 

“Yes ma’am” I said, leaning back on the kitchen counter as I stared at her organizing her stuff. “I’ve had to study the book bread boy and Kat had been doing. I truly had forgotten a lot of them”

“He has a name,” she said, shaking her head. 

“I know, but it’s more fun to the tongue to call him bread boy, besides he doesn’t mind”

“Doesn’t he? Or is he just intimidated because you’re his girlfriend’s dad?” She said, leaning back against the counter with the side of her hip taking the weight. 

“Hey now!” I said, pointing at her. “I haven’t been playing intimidating dad! Maybe a bossy dad, but not an intimidating one!”

“Sure dear”

“Ast!”

“You know I’m right. We are lucky the boy loves her so much” she laughed, and then continued with her task of sorting out herbs. 

I smiled, feeling nostalgic for a moment, because I saw glimpses of us in them all the time. The golden hair of bread boy, the gray eyes of my songbird, how her shyness complimented his extroverted self so well, and how they had just the right amount of stuff to give to each other. Peeta was patient, Katniss was fierce, they made such a great couple that it made my heart ache sometimes. It wasn’t easy to accept that my first baby girl had found the love I had found in her mother, and that I had wished for her to have, it almost seemed all too good to be true. 

“He really does, huh?” I said, smiling. I could feel my eyes getting a little blurry, nostalgia often played tricks on me.

“Oh don’t get emotional” Asterid said, hugging me softly. “She will never stop being our girl, not really.”

“I fear she stopped being our girl a long time ago, darling, I fear she is our little woman now” I mumbled and let my chin rest on her head. 

If there was someone in the whole entire world that would understand the nostalgia I was feeling, it would be her, the love of my life, my sweet aster flower. She often told me I was her chamomile, but it didn’t make sense to me, because she was also my chamomile, my ray of good luck, my little flash of light in a cloudy day, I couldn’t imagine life without her by my side, and I hoped I would never have to. 

Then the phone rang, interrupting our little moment. It had to be Haymtich, because other than he and Peeta, no one really knew our number, per the request of Katniss. For a moment I cursed him internally because he had interrupted my moment with Ast, but I knew he wouldn't be calling if it wasn’t important. 

“I’ll go, you keep going here” I told her, leaving a tiny kiss on her temple to then walk up to the phone in the living room. “‘ello!” I answered, waiting for Haymitch’s voice. 

“Sounds like you’re in a good mood”

“You have no idea the difference these new prosthetics have made” I joked, smiling at the appearance of his voice. 

“I can imagine,” he said back.  “listen, I need to tell you something before it makes its way to tv via your kid”

“Oh? sounds serious”

“Yes, and complicated, so just keep and open mind and understand that this is bigger than them, than us”

I frowned. What was happening? I trusted them three, and him especially, to take care of our kids. I laughed internally, noticing I was already referring to Peeta as mine, he felt like it.  So the worry that was growing inside me was very much real,, I wanted to protect them, but somehow they seemed to be a pretty strong damn magnet to find and get in trouble, and having them thousands of miles away while that was happening was not a great combination. 

“What’s happening, Mitch?”

“They are going to announce they are engaged today, Burd.”

 I coughed, surprised by the sudden news. Engaged? Why had they decided it? Had they even? I was so confused about it, but didn’t say anything to Haymtich. My voice was long gone, more than gone, I even felt my mouth falling dry. What was happening that their life had taken this sudden turn?

“What?” I managed to say. 

“I can’t explain much about it. You’ll just have to trust them in this one, every part of the speech coming from them is planned. I don’t have much time, I have to call Otho as well, tell Asterid for me, and be safe.”

And with that, he hung up. Just as I thought they had gotten out of the woods already. I stood there for a few seconds after the line had gone silent. I didn’t know what or how to tell Ast what Haymitch had just told me. Getting married? How were they going to get engaged in the matter of a few weeks?  Didn’t they tell us that they had actually met in the games? Less than six months was enough to make a decision like that? I felt lost, as if there was something bigger than all of us plotting for it, but I knew better than to say it out loud as well. 

“Burd?” she said, and that made me turn her way almost immediately. 

How was I supposed to explain to her that our daughter was suddenly engaged to the boy she had just started dating less than a semester ago? My god would we have to have a long talk to Katniss and Peeta about it. Then again I thought about the way Haymitch sounded while explaining it, he didn’t sound so secure about his words, as if there was something else to it, but there was no case in wondering if he wouldn’t be able to answer my questions. 

“Apparently Bread boy and Kat are announcing that they are engaged today, on national tv” I said, not knowing what other approach to take. 

“Engaged?!” 

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪 

I sighed, relieved as I watched him go. I knew he hadn’t bought my excuse of Prim’s cheese entirely, but still, I felt like I had to send them something else. They were doing what I was supposed to be doing out of pure love, and I knew they wouldn’t see it as something else than being kind and humble, but I did and that was enough. I would never be able to repay them both for all the care they were giving to Peeta, for all the love they had welcomed him with in their family. 

He looked so happy when coming to work after having breakfast with them, as if it was the most amazing and precious thing in the world, and it pained because I knew that making him feel that happy had been my job, our job, his mother and me, but we had failed tremendously, and we would never be able to mend that. I hoped they would, that the warmth of a truly united family would enter his life through theirs, that all the love, care, patience and kindness that was inside him could be reciprocated fully by them. 

I had asked him about it one morning. 

“Oh? You seem in such good humor lately” I mentioned, as we washed our hands  to start with the bread. 

He smiled, he looked so happy, so in love. I wondered what it was like, to have such a genuine and pure feeling as romantic love be reciprocated, to be so foolishly in love as they were, even if Katniss herself hadn’t noticed it yet. I felt happy for him, because at the end of the day, there was nothing I wished more than to watch my son be happy, but I also felt jealous, because the love he was having was all that I dreamt of in my youth. 

“Yeh, it’s just that Burdock and Asterid told me to have breakfast with them. They eat quite early because he and Kat hunt, so it worked perfectly for me” He told me, laughing a little. “They are such a warm couple, and you can tell who Prim and Kat take after when interacting enough with them.”

I laughed a little. I didn’t need that, one could guess who the girls looked and acted like just from outside, but I didn’t tell him, because it would be of no use to our conversation. 

“I’m glad you’re doing well, that you are happy” I told him sincerely, patting his back softly. “They seemed to be taking good care of you”

He smiled, and for a moment I saw the faintest sign of sadness. I knew why, because what they were giving him, the warmth, the kindness, the love, all those feelings, shouldn't be new to him, they should be something he was used to, that came from us all, but they didn’t. The Everdeens were probably his first real chance of knowing what being part of a loving and united family meant.

“They are such an amazing family. They make me happy ”

  I loved him. I don’t think it was a secret to none of my boys that he was my favorite, my baby boy, but it had become like that mostly because of the coldness Eira had shown him. Not that she was the sweetest person in the district, but the difference between her treatment towards Peeta and our two older sons was abysmal, and I didn’t want Peeta to suffer because of that. Unfortunately, even when I had tried my hardest, he noticed, but he didn’t take it personally on her, he took it in the sweetest and most heartbreaking way a kid could, he let it go. 

After the years of him trying to reach to her, he just stopped searching for her embrace, for her smiles, for her encouragement, and just watched as his brothers did get it, contempt that at least he was the only one being left out by her, and that hurt me the most, because why would a little kid justify the abandonment of his mother? It was cruel to watch, and I could only imagine how cruel it was for him to live through. Still, he didn't complain.

I put the squirrels back in the freezer of the bakery. Eira hated that I traded with them, although I wasn’t really sure that there was something about me that she entirely liked. Our relationship was strained a lot through the years, mostly because of her resentment towards me. I didn’t blame her, how could I? I had said things that hurt her and that I knew I wouldn’t be able to repair. I didn’t feel like the way I had told her anymore, and hadn't for a long time, probably since our first son had been born, but she never let it go, and I couldn’t blame her, because I would’ve felt horrible as well. 

I sighed as I looked at Graham, our eldest, taking out the last batch of bread for the day out of the oven. I knew he wasn’t fond of the bakery, and I also knew he was hoping for a marriage that could help him get away from it. He was handsome, and I knew he would have no problem achieving it. 

Then there was our middle preparing the vegetables I would use for tonight's stew, Ezekiel, whether she admitted it or not, he was Eira’s favorite. I knew he wasn’t the best baker out of the three, but he was a hard worker and very kind boy, and if he had to inherit the bakery, I knew he would do his best, though, as well as his brother, I knew it wasn’t his primary goal, he wouldn’t be entirely happy with it. That left Peeta, he was the best baker out of the three, and he would be more than happy to take the bakery, though I wasn’t so sure he actually could, now that he was a victor. 

I heard the phone ringing on the front, and just as I was about to answer it, one of the boys talked. 

“Everything alright, dad?” Graham asked. 

“Yeah, don’t worry, I was just thinking about stuff about the bakery”

“Well, you know you can come to us if you need help of some sort, we can figure it out,” Graham said, and I smiled. 

“I know son, I was just thinking about which one of you two I would end up condemning with owning the bakery”

Graham rolled his eyes and laughed. 

“We can always flip a coin to find out dad, right Zeek?

Ezekiel turned to me and nodded, laughing a little because of the words of his brother. 

“Yeah, totally. By the way, where’s mother?”

“She should be…”

“Right here” I heard her say towards our son. “Just went to the green grocery for a moment. Wanted to buy some wildberries to see if we could make pie or strudel for dessert today”

I raised my eyebrows but didn’t say anything, I knew better than to contradict her opinions and choices. What a sad little life. 

“Want me to get started on it?” I asked her. 

“Look at you, being useful and all” she said, rolling her eyes and handing me the basket. 

“Strudels or pie?” I asked. not wanting to fall for her words. I knew she was always looking for an excuse to yell at me, and I always tried my best not to give them to her.

“Pie is better if we want to make it last, thought you knew that already” She said coldly, as she went to wash her hands. 

Then she did something I couldn’t have prevented even if I wanted to, and I knew it would get me in trouble as soon as she connected the dots about it. She walked to the freezer and opened it, finding the three squirrels that Burdock had just brought in it. They were already skinned, and prepared to cut into pieces to cook, but they were unmistakably squirrels, the ones she hated profoundly and I kept buying despite it. Great, just when I thought I was in the clear with her, I thought.

“You let that man near the shop again?” she yelled, and I closed my eyes, prepared for what was about to come. 

Graham and Ezekiel left almost immediately and silently to the front of the bakery, at least they knew what to do, at least they wouldn’t be witness to the episode of yelling I would have to endure. I knew she would get mad, and I did it either way, but was I really in the wrong for doing it? The problem was I didn’t know, because for one part, I knew this was a way cheaper alternative than going to the butcher and that the meat would be way more fresh, but I also knew she didn’t like it, not that she despised the squirrel taste, that she didn’t mind, but she didn’t like the person, the family, I was buying it from. 

“You know he sells it for cheaper, and I needed to pay his little girl for the goat cheese she brought the other day” Loud and wrong, I paid her immediately that day. 

“I couldn’t care less, Otho. I asked you to stop, and you couldn’t care less!” she yelled. 

I got transported to the night I had gotten drunk and cried about Asterid to her, about the way I had loved her so much and either way she had chosen the miner over me, she had chosen a life of hardship over the comfort I could give her, all because she loved him and not me. We were already married at that time, and I knew for the love of me that I had broken her heart. I behaved like an ass to her that time, so everytime she yelled, she got mad, she punched, I took it, because everytime, my mind took me to that memory, it told me again and again that it was my fault, that I had hurt her beyond salvation first. 

“It’s always like this with you, Otho, you keep choosing them, choosing her over your own family!” she yelled and started to throw things at me. 

I didn’t dodge, I just resigned, I knew that it would be over sooner if I just stayed quiet and let her let it out. I deserved it after all, she was right, it was all my fault, and I kept choosing to trade with them all over granting her the peace of mind that it would give her if I didn’t. I didn’t have feelings for Asterid anymore, but I had a soft spot for her daughters. 

We always wanted one little girl, and for the longest time, both me and Eira thought it would repair us, but Peeta was borned a boy, and after that, we knew there was no point in pretending a little girl would help. I saw my long lost daughter in them both, Katniss and Prim, though Peeta probably had granted my wish for a daughter when he had fallen in love with his girl.

“And now your son” your son , that was always her wording when referring to Peeta. “Is going to marry that Seam trash” 

I frowned at her words. What was she on about?

“It was not enough that you were so madly in love with the apothecary stupid girl in the past, now your son will undeniably tie us to them, to their stupid family!” She yelled. 

“What are you talking about Eira?” I asked her, trying to make sense of her words. 

“Their mentor just called, and said that they would announce today, that he could not elaborate, and we would talk when they came back,” she said, laughing wryly.

But they were so young, they were still kids. Why would they get married so soon? She wasn’t even eighteen anymore, would her parents allow it? I doubted that they had, that we had, much choice in the matter if they were already announcing it to the whole country. I felt stumped by her words. There was a lot more to a marriage than just being young and in love, or at least that was what life had taught me from my failures, and it worried me that what I had managed to portray to Peeta wasn’t as good an example as he needed to navigate his own life. 

 “I can imagine you are happy, Otho! Forever family of your long love! I am sorry life gave you the hardship of not being chosen, of having to face the love of your life being in love with someone else. Believe it or not I know what it feels like!” she yelled and then threw a wooden spoon towards me. 

It hit me in the eye, but she had already left, and she didn’t care. I thought I didn’t either, but I didn’t know what hurt me the most, if the injury, or the words she had said to me. 

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪 

The clock was pointing at one o’clock when the hologram froze before my eyes to then turn off, and with the image, so did my heart. It was like watching her fall unconscious in the arena all over again, only that then, I knew what was happening, here, she was out, she was supposed to be safe, to be under guarding, but she wasn’t, she had gotten shot, and for a moment I felt like the bullet pierced my own heart as well. 

We were under mandatory viewing since the start of the speech. Prim had come early from school just to catch a glimpse of them in the images that we would see, but now I regretted that she was seeing it at all. The bullet, the blood, the look on their faces and the sudden loss of signal from their live performance. It felt surreal, like I was watching a lie unroll before my eyes. Was that my girl? She couldn’t have gotten shot, I thought, as I felt paralyzed from fear. 

“Katniss!” Prim yelled, and if I thought that my heart couldn’t ache anymore, I was wrong. 

Her scream just made me realize that the suffering of one of my girls, would always mean that the other one would also be in pain, which meant, that I had to suffer for the both of them, for being helpless against a situation that I couldn’t solve, to face a reality that didn’t have any escaping at all. It was like reliving the time of the accident over and over again, the pain, the screams, the numbness, the hunger. 

“Shh sweetpea it’s okay, she will be okay” I said, trying to hold down the pressure in my throat. 

I felt like yelling, like asking, to whoever was able to answer me, why was this happening to her, to us, but no one would, because no one knew, destiny and life were cruel things that us as human beings had no control of. At least that’s what my Ma used to tell me all the time. Oh but she was such a darling woman, so full of life, and colors, and music, and art. There wasn’t a situation that she couldn’t take something good from, and there wasn’t a time in my life, when I had her, that she couldn’t chase the sadness or anger away with a song. 

“She got shot!” she cried again, and I had to take a deep breath to not cry with her. 

I then turned to Ast, and saw her staring into the place where the holo had been, I took her arm softly and pulled her into the embrace I had Prim in. I didn’t know what to say to her, sometimes I wished I could put her in a tiny crystal box where no suffering could touch her, but that would be inhumane to wish, because there was no way in life one could actually appreciate happiness, beauty and love, without having experimented sadness, ugliness and emptiness. 

“She will be just fine, Haymitch won’t let anything happen to her, nor will bread boy” I mumbled, trying not to cry as I felt Asterid sobbing in my shoulder. 

Oh my sweet blondes, what I would give to never see your beautiful blue eyes shed another sad tear ever again. Most of the time I wish to go back to the time before the accident, to prevent me from going to the mine that day, to prevent them from enduring all the hardship they had because of me and my injuries, but I can’t, and that pains me even more, because all of the time I lost by their side won’t ever come back, and now, watching Katniss being shot on national television while I yearned for her to be my little girl again just makes it ten time worse. 

“It was really off” Ast muttered, still crying on my shoulder. “It got to the side of her abdomen, if she’s lucky she won’t have fatal injuries.”

I smiled slightly and left a kiss on her temple, still trying to keep myself from breaking down. This was one of the few times after the accident where they needed me to be the strong ones, to reassure them, to hold them, and I would do my best, but my own pain was just overbearing, so overbearing that my chest physically ached because of it. 

“And she will be lucky, because she is our Kat, and she is just like that, strong, like her mother” I mumbled, and held them both tighter to me.

Chapter Text

"and they tell you that you're lucky but you're so confused, 'cause you don't feel pretty, you just feel used"

They had sent me to the capitol that same night, giving me no chance to know what had happened to Katniss, or to receive any updates on her state. I was about to take out every strand of hair from my head, only contained because I knew I had to be presentable, and because Effie would kill me if all our hard work was thrown away. Either way, I was mad, mad that they were forcing me to finish the tour without her, to act as if what had happened wasn’t something I should’ve been worried about. 

I didn’t know anything about her, they had taken me out of the Justice Building almost immediately after Haymitch had managed to calm me down. As far as I knew, or as Effie had told me, they were planning on finishing the tour the same night. It felt awful to me, and extremely calculated from Snow, but I couldn’t do or say anything to prevent it, the only thing I could do was to go along, to keep the act going. 

“Peeta dear, I’m sure she will be alright”

I nodded and sighed. I was being prepped for the party that was awaiting in the capitol. In the room with me were Portia, Effie, and my Prep Team, making sure the flame themed suit fitted perfectly, and that the golden make up around my eyes was flawless. I didn’t care, and it wouldn’t help much either way. I knew my eyes were as red as they could be, and I knew no amount of makeup would be able to fix it. I just wanted to go back to her, to stay by her side until she woke up. It wasn’t fair, we were just teenagers, why was it all happening to us?

“I hope she is” I mumbled back, rereading the cards Effie had given me. 

I had tried to memorize them so much already, but I was so out of my mind, so disconnected from it all, that I couldn’t, my mind simply couldn't process the words before me, and to be honest I didn’t care that much either, I just wanted it all to be done as soon as possible, to be out of the horrible place as soon as I could. Would we ever be able to be in the clear? I wanted to be safe, to be out of the woods, but every day that passed, it felt more and more like a fever dream that would never come to us.

 The rest of the ride was spent in silence, from the train, to the peacekeepers' cars. I felt disconnected from it all, like I was watching the whole situation from out of my body. I felt numb and the more time that passed, the more I wished I had realized someone had a gun, that I had taken the bullet and not her, that everything could freeze and I could run to her side instead of being at a Capitol party. 

“Peeta dear, smile at least” Effie said, as we stood in the entrance of the manor. “You’re really lucky to be here nonetheless.” 

I was about to object to it, to answer that I couldn’t, that it was barbaric that they were making me do this, but I knew it wasn’t Effie’s fault, and that she was doing everything in her power to make it bearable at least, and that she knew there was little she could say to comfort me when we were being watched. I could tell she was very worried about Kat, mostly by her shiny eyes and by the way she often had to look up to avoid the tears from falling. So I took a deep breath and nodded towards her, as if that was enough to make me feel better, but it wasn’t, and we both knew it. And then, lucky? I felt everything but lucky, I felt confused more than anything else. 

“Yes, sorry Effie, I’m just a little distracted”

She smiled slightly and put her arm through mine, squeezing it slightly. 

“I know dear, I’m sorry”

The party started, and the amount of people who wanted to greet me, and acted as if they cared, was awfully large. All facades result from a status that they had gotten from watching children die, like if hunters suddenly cared that one of the preys that they were planning on killing was suddenly injured. It made me mad, but I couldn't show it, there was way too much at risk for me to be playing rebel in front of the damn capitol.

I danced, I talked, I smiled and I ate. All one after the other, acting like I cared, acting like being there was a blessing and as if I was having the time of my life. If I can’t be by her side, the least I can do is to fulfill our plans, I thought, while the smile never left my face. I was tired, and wanted nothing more than to go home, but it felt so fat away. All these people telling me how great I was, how amazing it was to be near me, it just made me feel like a toy for their entertainment, I felt used. 

“Peeta! Just the man I was looking for!” I heard an unknown voice talk to me from behind. 

As everyone else in this room I thought to myself, but I smiled towards him, waiting for Effie to tell me something about him. She seemed to know everything about everyone surrounding us, it amazed me from time to time, how well her memory worked, how she could memorize names and lives from a sea of people. I even wondered then if she remembered all of the tributes that had come to her before us. 

“Peeta, this is Plutarch Heavensbee, new Head Gamemaker” she explained, smiling politely.

“Tough shoes to fill,” I joked bitterly. I slipped from the answers and Effie didn’t fail to point it out almost immediately.

“Peeta!” she scolded me, but Plutarch laughed. 

“It’s okay, one appreciates good humor,” He looked at his watch and sighed. “Well I have to go, I have a meeting at midnight”

I stared at it for a second and frowned. It had an intricate design on it, something that resembled a mockingjay, but it was built in such a way that it made me think that it was a hidden design, something not for everyone to catch or know about.

“You’re gonna miss all the fun” I told him, taking a bite from one of the cupcakes. They all lacked the same things, souls. 

“I don’t think so, fun is my job” he winked, and with that he left the scene.

I sighed, and left the cupcake on the table. I wanted to run away, to cry until I fell asleep, until there was nothing else I could do, but it was impossible, and Effie wouldn’t let me go until the party was over, god knows when. I felt tired, my eyelids weighted more than they had ever, and I just wanted to sleep and ignore everything that was going on. 

Then, as if he was reading my thoughts of wanting to go, President Snow appeared on the balcony. He was so close yet so far away. I wondered if he ever worried about someone killing him from down here, but then again, who would be able to get a powerful enough weapon for that through security? no one. He was probably the most protected man in the whole entirety of Panem. 

“Good night darling citizens of mine” He said. He was holding a champagne cup in one of his hands to toast, and as a mirror of his actions, everyone went to grab one. 

Effie took one for herself and put another one on my hand, as if that was what the protocol needed, as if everyone knew the game they were playing, except they didn’t, they didn’t know the kind of trouble I was in, that Katniss and I were in, they probably didn’t even know she had gotten shot. I sighed, and looked at him directly, searching for a sign that could tell me that we had convinced him, that all our efforts weren’t worthless. 

“I wanted to congratulate first hand our victors, for their newly announced engagement” he started, smiling as if the news were exciting for him. “And as a gift for their happiness and the happiness of you all, I will announce that I plan on hosting and sponsoring the entirety of the event. Which, by the way, will take place before the next games. It wouldn’t be fair for the next victor to have their spotlight overshadowed by such an important event now, would it?” 

Everyone screamed excitedly, I just felt the void in my stomach growing wider. If Kat manages to survive, I told myself, but shook my head almost immediately, I couldn’t afford to think like that, I had to be positive. 

“So now we toast for them, and for their happiness and ours. May their marriage be full of wonders and blessings” he raised his cup and then took a sip from it. 

Explosions started in the sky, full of colors, taking the attention of all the people in the party, who were just happy for the sudden demonstration of his excitement towards our happiness, but I didn’t redirect my gaze, I focused on him. From far above, he found me and smiled, nodding ever so slightly. I wondered if it had even happened, but it did and what should’ve felt like an instant relief didn’t. 

We had convinced him, but at what cost? 

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪

My name is Katniss Everdeen. I’m from district twelve. My parents are Asterid and Burdock Everdeen, though Haymitch and Effie act like it as well. I won the 74th games along with Peeta Mellark. I am in love with Peeta Mellark. We have to convince the whole country that we love each other. We are on our Victory Tour. There was a gunshot. I took a gunshot. Was I dead? I didn’t feel like it. Everything was painful, from the start of my hair, to the end of my toes. 

I wanted to open  my eyes, but didn’t have the strength for it. I wanted to check on Peeta, on Haymitch, to make sure they were okay. I wouldn’t forgive myself if something had happened to them. At least it had hit me and not them, and at least that meant people were mistaking me for a symbol of rebellion anymore. The thing was, I didn’t know if it was better or worse. 

I could hear voices but they made my head feel as if it was going to explode. Shut up I yelled in my mind, please shut up. I tried my hardest to open my mouth, to tell them to lower their voices, to just let it go, and let me sleep, that everything hurt too much for them to be so scandalous around me, to leave me alone. 

“Shut up” I groaned, pressing my eyes together really hard. 

I doubted my words were understandable at all. If so, they probably were incomprehensible, probably because of how sore my throat felt, and probably because I felt as weak as I had felt when we were ten and starving to death, not that I wasn’t starving myself, but not to the point I had been, even so, I didn’t have a bullet shot through my abdomen when I was a kid, so that was that. 

“Katniss!” I heard the faintest ghost of Peeta’s voice whimpering. 

That made me try harder to open my eyes. He was alive, he was well, he hadn’t gotten shot. I felt a wave of relief wash over me. Maybe the gunshot meant our little act was working, that we had made the rebels mad, and that they needed us as martyrs, as symbols to use for a bigger cause. The relief didn’t last much, because when I found myself feeling happy that we weren’t working for the rebels, that we weren’t helping their cause I felt guilty. It should be our cause, to free Panem, but my stakes weren’t great and I would have to pay too high a cost to actually be useful.

My eyelids fluttered several times until I was finally able to open them fully. The lights were blinding, and that combined with the killing headache that I was feeling wasn’t a great combination. The room was some sort of white and the bright colors of the sheets weren’t helping me get used to the new space I was in. Were we still in district 1? How many districts out of all the twelve actually had hospitals? 

“Turn off that damn light” I grumbled, closing my eyes again.

“All better now sweetheart” he said in a soothing tone, signaling that he had already turned off the lights. 

I opened my eyes again as soon as the click from the light switch reached my ears. It still hurt a bit, my eyelids felt as heavy as they had when I was almost dying in the arena from the injuries of the feast, but at least here I knew I was getting help, there I only counted on a half dead and drugged Peeta. It had worked, but it really wasn’t my best plan. 

“Oh my god Katniss” Peeta said and almost fell to my side as soon as I opened my eyes. He took my hand and held it as tightly as he could without hurting me.

There was a chair beside my bed in which he fell in. He was sobbing, and I could tell not by the sound, or his face, because he was crestfallen with my hand on his forehead, but because his back was having tiny spasms as he breathed. I looked at Haymitch and he smiled slightly towards me, walking to the other side of my bed. Surprisingly, he stroked my hair, and sighed. 

“That was a close one sweetheart” he mumbled, and I could tell he was trying his hardest not to choke up. 

Well, being around Peeta that much had definitely given me the ability to understand a bit more of people’s emotions. I was grateful about that, it made having to act around capitolites and unknown people way easier than it had been when we had just come out of the arena. That had been a real pain in the ass, and as I looked at the footage with Effie, during our practices for this tour, I understood why they were so frustrated, and why people doubted I had some sort of real feelings for Peeta. The capitol was just dumb to have believed me, or way too invested in a good fake drama. 

“Well I’m alive” my voice was still a bit raspy, and I wondered then how long had it been since the gunshot, how long had I gone without drinking water. 

“Barely!” Peeta said, and I could hear he was still crying hard. “You’ve been out for three whole days and the doctors were really worried. You scared us to death” 

Well, there was my answer. 

“Thankfully the man with the gun had a really bad aim, and he didn’t hit anything important” Haymitch said, smiling a little. “The bullet passed right through one of your sides without touching any organs, you were luckier than most, sweetheart”

“Well, the odds were in my favor for once” I joked, coughing  a little from the dryness on my throat. “The victory tour?”

Haymitch rolled his eyes and glared at me. What? We still were in a life important mission that we have to fulfill. I knew he was way more worried about my well being, but as of my last memory and now, I only cared about theirs and how this little fiasco was affecting the task we were supposed to be fulfilling. 

“Peeta went to the Capitol and finished it by himself the day you were shot, mostly by orders that came from above if you know what I mean”

I knew what that meant. Snow had forced Peeta to go to the capitol on his own, probably knowing that I wouldn’t recover soon enough for it to be worth waiting. In the end, Peeta was the most likeable one between the both of us. I was sorry he had to go through that totally on his own, but then again, at least it was over, at least we were free from it, but Were we? I didn’t think about the fact that Snow had to give him an answer about our results. 

“I’m sorry” he mumbled, and for the first time he looked at me. My heart broke almost immediately. “I wanted to stay, I fought about it a ton but…”

I could see the tears rolling down his cheeks again. His eyes were bloodshot and swollen, as if he had been crying non stop for the past three days. I couldn’t blame him, and I wouldn’t. I then again remembered my parents again, their story, the way they both loved so deeply that one’s pain became the other’s, that there was nothing they wouldn’t do to keep each other safe, and how, when one fell, the other one did in one way or another. They haunted the  narrative every time I thought about my feelings for Peeta, reminding me how pure and sweet, but also how fatal, love could be. 

“It’s okay” I mumbled, caressing his cheek softly. “I bet Haymitch didn’t leave my side anyway.”

“You damn know I did not. First of all, I care way too much about you kids to do something like that, second of all, Burd and Ast would have my balls if I did”

“Oh how sweet you are” I laughed a little and coughed again. “So, are we in 1 still?”

“Yes, they said we could leave as soon as you woke up.” Haymitch answered, and handed me a cup of water.

I nodded as a thank you and sipped on it. That felt better than the raspy dryness that had installed in my throat. Oh what I would give for some special tea from my mother at that moment. I really wanted to feel small in the care of my parents, to go back to twelve and forget all the damn mess we were stuck in, at least as much as we could. 

“And what did he say?” I looked at Peeta. 

I was still caressing his cheek, and wiping tears from one of the sides of his face. I wanted to cuddle him and tell him that I was alive and that I felt better, and while the first one was true, the second one wasn’t. All my body was in pain, but I wouldn't tell them that, I didn’t want to worry them anymore than they already had. 

“He was satisfied” Peeta mumbled, and hid his face in my hand and his again. “But he also made a public announcement that we were to get married before the next Hunger Games, you know, so we wouldn’t eclipse next year's victor but could still have our spotlight , I think he called it” He laughed wryly, and shook his head. 

He was mad, but there wasn’t much we could say here, where everything was probably bugged, were any slips would mean a punishment very dangerous for us and our families. I just nodded and sighed. That gave us around a six-ish month window to be ready for the whole event. Well, at least Effie would enjoy the heck out of planning everything about it, and complain of having so little time to have everything set. 

“You’ll be okay. We’ll be okay” Haymitch mumbled, and I believed him, because there was nothing else I could do but hope that he was right. “We got through the worst part of it already”

But had we? Were we out of the woods already?

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪 

When the train stopped I felt a relief I hadn’t felt in weeks. It isn’t over yet, I reminded myself, but still, finally being in twelve, alive, meant a whole deal, and I felt as if I was already done with the whole tour. I knew we still had a speech to give, and a dinner to have, but it would be here, at home, safe. 

I stared at Peeta as he talked. Effie had told me it would be better if I didn’t say anything at all. The doctors had asked me to rest as much as possible, and that meant that I was sat most of the time, I wouldn’t complain about it, I actually preferred for it to be like that, to just ignore the crowds and mind my business from the back. They could see me, but I wouldn’t have to tell them anything at all. 

My family was in the crowd, and I had smiled slightly at them as soon as we made eye contact. They were safe, that much relieved me. I tried not to look at them too much, to focus on Peeta’s words, to act like I was fine, like I was not desperate to be hugged and cared for by them, but I knew I wasn’t succeeding that well. I just wanted it all to be over, to rest from the exhausting weeks we had been through, and from all that was waiting for us in the future.

“Thank you all, for celebrating our victory and love by our side, that is an opportunity we do not take for granted.” Peeta said, and with that the event was over.

I smiled as he turned and walked to me. Just the dinner with the mayor and it would be over, and it wasn’t that big of a deal either, I would get to have a meal with Madge, probably the only other person apart from Gale that I could consider a friend in district 12. I stood up, and hugged him slightly. He hugged me back, but he was much more careful than he usually was. Of course, the bullet injury. The doctors had said that it would stop hurting constantly after a few days, and that in a couple of weeks I should be as good as new, but I also knew I would only be sure after my mom said something to me. 

“You are free dears, go find your families and we’ll see each other when it’s time for dinner” Effie said, leaving a kiss on each of our cheeks. 

I rolled my eyes at her gesture and nodded. She would never stop working with her schedules, sometimes she could turn into a little control freak. I stood up and looked at Peeta for a second. I wanted to run back to my family, to hug them as tight as I could, to forget that we were ever apart from each other, but I also wanted to make sure Peeta wouldn’t have an empty welcome, as the day we returned from the games. 

“Someone came for you?” I asked him, holding my cane. 

Yes, cane. The doctor had recommended it meanwhile the injury healed. I didn’t like it one bit, but I knew that the more I used it and rest, the faster I would go back to my usual routines and manners, so I took it. I felt clumsy with it, but I wasn’t about to complain about it to Peeta, the guy didn’t have one leg, it felt inappropriate to do. 

“My dad’s in the crowd” he answered, smiling slightly. “I will come say hi to your family as soon as I say hi to mine though, tell them to wait for me at home”

I rolled my eyes again and nodded. Haymitch appeared next to us and smiled slightly. I knew he would come back to my parents with me, they were also what was left of his family after all. 

“I will. See you later” I said, and started to walk towards my family with Haymitch.

I could see Prim was itching to run to me, but my parents were holding her back, probably waiting to see how bad of an injury I had, and how much could she hurt me if she hit me by accident. I didn’t blame them, but a part of me wanted her to run. I wonder how different this could’ve been if I didn’t have a damn bullet piercing my side just a few days ago, but there was no point in imagining so much if it would only make the pain worse. 

“ Songbird!” My dad yelled, and I lost it. 

I ignored the pain, the cane, and Haymitch's words that told me to take it slow and ran to him, to hug him. I saw him smile and open his arms towards me as he did when I was a kid. For a moment, nothing else mattered, for a moment it was just us two. Me running to him for comfort, to escape a nightmare, to feel better. 

I jumped into his arms and he laughed a little while catching me. I was back at twelve, momentarily safe, away from the other districts, from the way they had scrutinized us to search for something that wasn’t there. I felt protected in his embrace, and almost forgot everything around me.

“Dad!” I choked out, trying my best not to burst into tears there. 

Then I noticed he hadn’t lost balance, and that he was holding me just as great as he had before the accident, when everything was easy, when nothing seemed as complicated as it was now. I had to question myself for a moment. Was I dreaming? Was this all just a vile dream because my mind was tricking me into thinking I could ever aspire for glimpses of happiness that were long enough to feel real? The need to cry became even bigger. Was I going to wake up in district 1 again? Trapped inside of a room that made me madder and madder with each second that passed.

“I’m glad you are back” He said, and I snapped out of my trance to look at him. I couldn’t dare to look down, it felt as if I would wake up as soon as I did. 

What a sick punishment it was to have everything you wanted taken from you just at the blink of an eye. 

“Dad?” I croaked, and distanced myself from the hug. 

He smiled and left a kiss on my forehead. His lips felt real against my skin, still, I couldn’t trust it, couldn’t let myself trust that things could be right for me. 

“Surprised?” he said, stroking my hair. “Brand new, gift from the capitol”

I dared to look down, hoping it wouldn’t mean my moment by their side would end, hoping that I would encounter something rational that could tell me that all of this was real, that it wasn’t a sick joke my deepest desires were playing on me because I stayed way too much time away from them. And I did. Brand new prosthetics, almost identical to the ones Peeta had. I hugged him again. 

“They have worked wonders” He said again, hugging me back, softer this time. 

Haymitch whistled and talked to my dad, to then give him my cane. I often forgot how close they were, how long they had known each other and how much they had gone through together. Sometimes it felt surreal, that they had known each other for such a long time before the games. 

“Look at you, it’s like watching that grin you had when you were barely sixteen, you seem to be back”

“I am. I swear I feel like a brand new me” My dad joked back. “Now, greet your sister and mother so we can go home and take a look at that injury of yours” he said, this time to me. 

I laughed a little and nodded. The wave of relief that washed over me was incomprehensible. I was just glad that everything was real. I greeted them both, softer than I had greeted my dad, because the adrenaline that had numbed the pain momentarily wasn’t there anymore, and the pain had begun to wash over my abdomen again. So much for a good moment I thought to myself, but I had been through way worse pain than this, and I knew I could wait until we were at home to crash on the couch and ask for willow tea. 

Prim cried as she hugged me, and I rubbed her back and assured her that I was fine, that I was back, that I was alive and at home. It didn’t work much, but I didn’t mind, it made it all felt real. I knew they were probably worried and excited to see me because of the gunshot that they had witnessed on live tv, so it all made sense. 

We all walked back home together, though Haymitch stayed in his. I wanted nothing more than to rest as much as I could, than to sleep in my bed and wake up with the stupid injury gone. I knew it wouldn’t happen, but it wasn’t that hard to dream about it, to try and forget that everything was happening. 

“We have to take a look at that injury” My mom said, guiding me to the couch carefully. 

“I know,” I answered. 

The house felt the same, but different at the same time, as if it could’ve magically changed with the two weeks that we had been outside. There was something in the way it looked that didn’t look the same, but I couldn’t put my finger around it entirely. And then it all made sense. 

It was December 16th, but December the most important of all. There was red, green and golden stuff all around the house. Tiny balls, and decorations that were meant to look like plants. They had even put candles around to make it look warmer, and when we arrived in the living room I noticed the three in one of the corners. The house looked different because it was all decorated to look like Christmas, though it was a strange combination between what was supposed to be district 12 and the capitol. They had probably done it because of Prim, because I also noticed the amount of her favorite flowers from the meadow that were all around the house. 

I sat down on the couch and left the cane at one of my sides. I hated it more with each second that passed, but it was my best chance at getting better faster, so I would have to make my peace with it for as much as I could. I remembered Peeta using one in our first interview after the games, when he was still getting used to his leg, and it made me less uneasy, he had grown out of the stupid thing, so could I.

“Lift your shirt, Niss” My mom said, and I obeyed. 

The doctor had wrapped me up in tons of bandages to make sure the wound wouldn’t open during the train ride and the first part of the event at twelve, but it sure as hell was uncomfortable. I couldn’t breathe that properly, and I was almost certain my mom would say that it wasn’t great for it to be covered that much. 

I took off the shirt and then the bandages. My family had seen me bare chested several times, so fulfilling her order wasn’t that much of a problem for me. Besides, the prep teams had made me lose a lot of the shame on my naked body, though not by choice. They seemed unbothered by it most of the time and I wasn’t the biggest fan of it, but their prep routine was something I was getting more used to. 

“They stitched you?”

“They operated on me” I sighed and nodded. “To my knowledge it was through and through, but they had to sew a bit of internal stuff or something like that. I was out for three days, so I’m not your best resource”

My mom looked at it and put some kind of ointment over it. I trusted her, so I didn’t question her on it, not really. She was far more capable with herbs and healing than anyone in the district, which was probably the reason why people came to our house for help when they were sick. 

“Yeah, I can tell,” she said, sighing a bit. “It looks great for what it was, I just put willow root ointment on it so you can go to the dinner painless”

“That’s a nasty one, songbird ” he said. “And you should be eating more.”

I rolled my eyes and reached for my shirt again. I knew it was, I could feel it. As for the food, I had been trying, but the entirety of the tour had been way too much for me, and the three days that I spent unconscious didn’t make it any better. 

“I know dad, I can tell by the feeling of it” I said and ignored the words about the food. I didn’t want to talk about it, not yet at least. 

Prim arrived in the living room just as I was finishing the task of putting on my shirt. That’s when I noticed I still had the pearl necklace with Peeta’s eye color on me. I didn’t say much. I wouldn’t bring up the topic if they didn’t, and I was more than sure that they would eventually, hence why I decided to stay quiet. 

“So where is your fiancé ?” she asked, sitting beside me with an excited smile on her face. “I can’t believe you’re getting married so soon!” She sounded happy about it. 

“Let’s talk about it later. Please?” I said, and I saw my parents exchange a glimpse and nod. Great, I was free from that for the day at least. 

“We will talk about it with bread boy present, so you both can actually explain what is happening and why you both almost died,” My father said.

That made the conversation die as well. I fell asleep almost immediately after. I needed to charge for the dinner. I wondered what it would be like, to talk and dine with the mayor in that way. To fulfill an acting role that was expected from all of us. The capitol probably knew that I sold berries and meat to them, that they turned a blind eye to me going beyond the fence, and yet, we had to act like we didn’t, like all of that was a lie that laid under a surface of pieces of a puzzle who kept an oppressing system in place. 

This time, there wasn’t really a prep team for us. I was glad for it, though Effie did come knocking at my door an hour before we had to be here to make sure I was getting ready. I was, even if my  getting ready didn’t fit her standards of it. I wouldn’t dress opulent for just a dinner in district 12, besides, my mother had specifically told me that it was better if I just stuck to a dress that was appropriate for winter and wasn’t that tight, she didn’t want any pressure around the gunshot. 

“We have to hurry dear, we can’t be late”

“I’m doing my best, Effie”

“She’s doing her best, Effie” I heard Peeta’s voice enter the house, and rolled my eyes a little to stop me from laughing. 

He was picking up my teasing to Effie really fast, and it was not the most pleasant thing for her to endure. I was putting on my shoes when he arrived to our side, the cane was resting by my side on the couch and Effie was tapping her foot lightly on the floor, as if that would make me faster. Putting on my boots was becoming a hard job, especially because folding myself over to put them on was more painful than I wanted to admit.

“We are going to fall behind schedule”

Peeta laughed and kneeled in front of me to put on the boots for me. I blushed a little and smiled towards him to thank him in some way. He was all about helping people, and by people it meant mostly me, especially since the incident in district 1. He had been more aware of our surroundings and seemed to be searching for something to happen, for someone to attack. I didn’t blame him, I was too, but it terrorized me that even after coming back to twelve, we couldn’t feel safe. 

“There you are. Now we can go and won’t fall behind schedule” he said and stood up, taking the cane and offering his hand for me to stand up. 

Effie sighed in relief and smiled towards us, as if that was signaling that we were on time again. It wasn’t like the mayor was going to get mad at us because of it, or as if we were really far from the Justice Building, but I knew better than to question Effie’s obsession with the hours of the day. We stepped out of the house together, and then walked towards Haymitch’s. I was holding most of my weight on Peeta, who was holding me by the waist. I still didn’t let go of the cane, scared that it would make something bad happen. Effie went into the house to look for Haymitch without saying a word, and Peeta and I stayed outside.

“What did your mom say about it?” he asked, as he stroked my hair softly. 

“That it was alright, and she would put ointments so it would heal faster” I answered and smiled when I felt the tiny kiss on my forehead. 

“I’m glad. Tell me if you need anything, yes? whichever thing you need”

I was about to answer when Haymtich and Effie appeared, and so we walked mostly in silence towards the dinner. Probably all way too tired for someone to make a conversation start. I didn’t blame them, or me. I just wanted it to be over to sleep as much as I could. I didn’t want one more second in this life as a victor. Sadly, I knew that there was no way it would be over as long as I stayed alive, and I planned on staying that way for as long as I could.

“Katniss!” Madge greeted me once we were inside of her house. 

I had visited the Justice Building very few times in my whole life, and most of them had happened since going to the games. The feeling that the place was dangerous for me wouldn’t go away and I just wanted to run the other way, to ignore every responsibility I had acquired and escape into the woods forever. 

“Hi Madge” I said back, smiling a little. 

“I’ll let you girls catch up, I’ll go with Haymitch” Peeta said, smiling towards us to then do as said. 

Madge guided me to one of the couches in the living room, and I found it out of place. It felt as if she had something to tell me, something to say to me that couldn’t wait. She always talked a lot when we had lunch together, as almost every single person in town was better at speaking and with words than me, but I couldn’t remember a time where she looked serious about telling me something. It was like she was confiding one of her deepest secrets to me. But what secrets could the ex owner of the mockingjay pin have to tell me?

“I, I don’t know how to say this, and I feel like I should” she mumbled. 

It weirded me out even more. 

“It’s okay, you can tell me anything Madge”

She sighed and nodded, as if that gave her the reassurance she needed to continue her speech. I was even more curious then. 

“I, I wanted to tell you before he could, I don’t want misunderstandings to happen between us, and I know it has been a very short time but…”

I shook my head a little and frowned. He? Did this secret have something to do with Peeta? I put the thought away almost immediately as I saw him laugh from a distance with Haymtich. It couldn’t be, he had spent all the Victory tour by my side but, what other him could she be talking about? I didn't have the smallest clue, I couldn’t imagine what other boy we shared in our lives that could relate to a secret that made her that nervous.

“Madge, just say it”

“Gale and I are in a relationship, Kat” she mumbled. 

Oh. Oh. That was the him she was talking about. Oh god.

Chapter Text

“I wish you knew that, I miss you too much to be mad anymore”

After Madge confessed that to me, we were called to eat, and neither of us tried to talk about it again. I was way too in shock, and I guessed that she either felt embarrassed or felt like the purpose of our conversation had already been fulfilled. I had tons of questions in my head, but I couldn’t figure a way to actually formulate them. We had been out for a little over two weeks, and Gale had kissed me just before I went off. How long had they been going on about it? Did she know about the kiss? How were they together? I always thought Gale resented her way too much  for being from town, and now she was his girlfriend? It made no sense at all. 

I didn’t hear of him for the next few days. Probably because he was busy in the mines, and I didn’t have my thoughts clear enough to go search for him. I was also forbidden, by my parents, to go to the woods, at least until my mother said it was safe for me to be without my cane, so I was mostly stuck in the house, counting again and again the Christmas decorations that Prim had put up with the help of my dad. 

Then it was the engagement topic to talk about. My parents hadn't mentioned it again, even when Peeta came to dine and to have breakfast every day after we came back. My guess was that they were waiting for Prim to be out, for Peeta to have lunch with us, so it could be talked about without her being emotionally involved in it, and though I hadn’t confirmed that was their plan, it was the only one that made sense. 

The only problem was, Peeta was spending his mornings and afternoons in the bakery with his family, and most of the time, when he came to dine, I almost pointed out how he was almost falling asleep. I was sure he was overworking himself, or not sleeping properly. I couldn’t blame him if it was the second one, ever since parting from his side, the nightmares were harder and scarier, and there was no one to comfort me as I woke up from one of them.

 I could say something if it was the first one of my options, because I was more than aware that Otho would never put him through that and he wouldn’t let Eira put him through it either. It worried me, and I was seeing less and less of him. I almost hated to admit it, but I missed him dearly, and then I understood what he had felt when I escaped to the woods for hours without telling anyone. I longed for him to be by my side, to spend the afternoons beside me, coloring and doing our little herbal book again. 

“Now we can talk about the elephant in the room” My dad said, and with that, I confirmed my theory. 

It was the middle of a monday. He had come back early from the woods while Prim was still in school, and had told Peeta the day before to please come to have lunch with us. It had probably been a week at most since coming back from the tour. December 22nd. I had finally managed to get rid of the stupid cane, and my mom said that I would be as good as new to go to the woods with my dad just in a few days. 

“Burdock,” my mother said, looking at him. “That’s not the best way to start this conversation” 

I rolled my eyes and took a sip of the stew my mother had prepared. Eating at least one meal properly had been one of the conditions she had put for me to go back to the woods. I hated every part of it, but I hated being tied to the house all day everyday even more. so I was putting in my best efforts to gain a little muscle and strength for her to be okay with it, especially with how cold it was outside because of winter. 

“Well, at least I’m starting it in some way, Pea” he said, and sighed. 

“Look, guys. I know you wanna talk about the engagement”  I said, before they could keep going. 

Peeta gulped and then coughed a bit. He had been the one with the idea, but I wouldn’t tell that much to my parents. 

“The truth is, it’s complicated,” I said, sighing a bit. “It was a decision we took, no one made us do it, technically” I confessed, playing  with the food in my bowl. “The way we announced was our idea as well”

“No, the marriage was my idea and Kat agreed to it” Peeta said, cutting short my words. “And I’m sorry we didn’t talk to you guys about it before, it was a really rushed decision we took in the ride after the things that happened in district 11” 

Right, when a man was killed right before our eyes, and I had to face Rue’s family as they cried because of their death on a podium in national tv, those events. Damn you Peeta, there was no need to give them that much information, explaining it lightly would’ve suffice, then again, who would Peeta be if he didn’t do things the way he thought them right?

“But why?” my mom asked. “And why tell us until your day in district 1 if you had decided you would do it so early in the tour”

Peeta talked again. 

“We were holding it as our last resource, and we didn’t, in a hundred years, thought that President Snow would schedule it in such a short notice”

“Are you guys doing the whole deal then? Toasting and everything” My dad asked. He looked serious, but not the kind of serious I could read through. 

I shook my head, and talked before Peeta could. 

“Not yet, we haven’t decided when, and for sure think it’s a bit soon for that”

“But you will live together” my mom talked again, and I knew that was more of an affirmation than a question.  

“Yes, we agreed it would be best, though I’m sure the capitol would’ve expected it to be like that anyway”

My father sighed and rested his head in the back of the chair. Then I could understand what he was feeling. He was frustrated. Ever since coming back from the tour I had noticed a big change in him, probably due to the fact the prosthetics let him do almost everything he did before, and what little he couldn’t, it was because he was out of practice with them. He was happier, his feelings were more obvious, even the way he interacted with mom had changed, all in him felt to go back to the way it once was, but there was no turning back time, we had lost years together and that was bothering him. He probably thought he would be able to get them back for longer than this new soon to be marriage would allow him to. 

“I know it’s not ideal, and to be honest it’s not what I wanted for us either. I’m sorry” Peeta said. He was crestfallen, and he was playing with his food as well.

I wondered again how was he feeling, what was going through his head, and if there was something I could do about it. God I miss him so much, I thought.

“No, it’s okay, don’t worry about it dear” my mom said, and smiled towards him. “Do you have rings already?”

“Sort of” I said, smiling a little. “We found these pearls on district four and were thinking about telling uncle Tam Amber to turn them into the wedding rings, though we will have to look for an engagement one before the next time we appear on tv”

“It’s okay, I can find one for you guys” my father said, smiling a little. 

“Thank you, Burdock,” Peeta said. He didn’t look up. 

My mom sighed at the sight of him and shook her head. I could tell there was a lot more she wanted to talk about, but the room had turned a bit tense and sad, so she knew pushing for more wasn’t a great idea. I did want to talk more, but not to them, to Peeta, so it wasn’t a great idea to try and do it at that moment either. Our lives would drastically change and we were about to be bound to each other for a lot of time. The last thing I wanted was for him to drift away after all we had worked together to build what we had, so it frustrated me that he wasn’t talking to me at all outside of the meals we shared, I would even say it made me a little mad.

The rest of the lunch went by completely silent.  No one dared to say a word, and I could see Peeta nodding odd now and then. He really was exhausted. There were dark circles under his eyes, and though I couldn’t blame him for it, it didn’t mean it worried me any less. And he was working all day in the bakery this way? Why was he forcing himself so much? But there was no way he could answer questions that would stay hidden in my head. 

“See you all at dinner” my dad said and left a kiss on my mom’s temple. “I will go look for some of Gale’s snares to deliver to Hazel, and then I will go for Prim at school” he explained and with that disappeared from the house. 

Then my mother stood up, leaving a kiss on both me and Peeta’s heads without saying anything. Maybe they knew me more than I liked to admit, maybe they understood that I needed space to talk to him, to know what was happening. 

“I’m going now,” Peeta said, and stood up from the table. He didn’t even look up at me. “See you at dinner” he mumbled and started to make his way towards the door.

It took me a few seconds to understand that he was making his way to go, and I almost ran to him as soon as I realized I wouldn’t get a chance to talk to him alone. I felt confused as to why he was acting that way, as to why he was almost escaping from being by my side. Had I done something? Was it my fault? Or was it just him needing time to process whatever had happened during the time I was passed out at the end of the tour?

“Peeta wait!” I said as we reached the living room, and he stopped almost immediately after I pronounced it. 

He didn’t turn around, he just stayed still, as if he was waiting for me to say something more, the problem was, I didn’t know what to say or do. How was I supposed to approach this? I then had a flashback to when the situation was turned around, me escaping from everyone to the forest, as if that would save me from the nightmares that were haunting me non-stop.

“Kat, can we talk?” he said, from his porch as I was passing in front of his house. 

It was a cloudy Saturday, probably around four am or so, the sun hadn’t even risen yet, but a nightmare had woken me up from whatever little sleep I had been able to have. I felt distraught and out of my mind, and needed to hear the singing of the mockingjays and feel the coldness of the mist to try and snap out of the trance that replaying Marvel’s death had put me in. 

“I-” I stuttered for a second and then nodded slightly. “Sure” I then answered and walked towards his house at the sight of him pointing inside of it. 

We both entered the house, and I sat down on the couch a bit awkwardly, nervous because of the sudden invitation, worried because of the look he had on his face. Had I done something wrong? And then again, I wanted to run, to escape to the woods as soon as possible, but I couldn’t, because he needed to talk about something, and ignoring his request would be straight up cruel after all he had helped me ever since coming back from the arena. 

He offered me a cup of tea that I couldn’t help but take. 

“Kat, are you avoiding me?” he said, as he sat beside me on the couch. 

He was crestfallen and playing with his hands as he talked. I was stumped, I hadn’t thought about it. Was I avoiding him? I felt like I was avoiding everything in general,  but it wasn’t on purpose, it was like my mind was driving me crazy, that the house walls were closing down on me. Everything felt asphyxiating. 

“I-” I didn’t know what to say. “I’m not, not on purpose, I just-”

“I don’t want you to feel obligated to spend time with me if you don’t want to, Katniss, but you need to tell me” he said, and I saw the spot on his pants where a tear fell. “If you don’t want to spend time with me, if you feel like whatever we were working on before isn’t what you expected or it’s not what you want, tell me, so I can work on it, on my feelings”

It took me a long while after that to assure him that it wasn’t personal, that I was avoiding everything and everyone, but things turned tense between us for a while after that, and I had to put great effort on my part to rebuild what we had. At the end we found something that helped us both, that worked for us to try and forget the games but also focus on where we were trying to get as a couple, and now I felt compelled to ask him what was happening, what were we supposed to do. I didn’t want to just let go of my feelings, and I didn’t want to feel ignored by him anymore. 

“Can we talk?” I said, hoping he would turn around and look at me. 

“Sure” he said, and turned around to smile tightly  towards me.

We both sat in front of the fireplace, and tons of thoughts were crossing my mind at the same time. I didn’t even know how to bring up what I wanted to say to him in the first place, but I also knew I couldn’t wait anymore to have him back, to at least try to help him to cope with whatever he was going through that made him push us away. 

As we sat closer I noticed a slight hint of purple peeking through the collar of his shirt. Bruises? Why would he have bruises on his back? I was more confused than ever. What was happening with the boy with the bread? What was he enduring that was affecting his mental and physical state so much? And why did he insist so stubbornly on doing it alone?

“Why are you avoiding me?” I said, just as he had when he confronted me. 

If I couldn’t come up with a solution on my own, I would use my own memory of him as a tool to help us solve whatever that was happening. I had learned a lot about managing emotions from him, and I planned on using that knowledge to try and keep our relationship as good as we could. 

“I-” he looked stumped by my words, but I didn’t hesitate, I kept looking at him, waiting for an answer.

“Peeta, we are a team, I thought we had made that clear and if you need space to be alone tell me, don’t avoid me like you have been doing”

“I haven’t been avoiding you” he mumbled. 

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. That made me mad, because somehow I knew he was lying. 

“We are not doing that Peeta, you are not going to lie to my face.”

“I am not lying Katniss”

“You are!” I stood up and pointed at him. “You barely talk to me during our meals together and exhaust yourself with work during your free time. I haven’t seen you outside of family gatherings since we came back!”

I felt a lump in my throat, I didn’t know if I wanted to cry from sadness or angriness. It made no sense to me, why couldn't he confide in me? Didn’t he trust me? Hadn’t we worked together during all these months so things like this one didn’t happen? We were supposed to get through it together, to fight our ghosts and nightmares alongside each other. 

“It’s not like that!” he said, and I could see tears were beginning to form in his eyes. 

“But it is!” I said back, and I could feel my voice raising. “It’s like being near me scares you, like the mere action of talking to me it’s going to cause something horrible!”

He shook his head and opened his mouth to talk. 

“I’m talking to you right now, am I not?” he said, frowning. 

“Wow you are so funny!” I yelled and shook my head. “Tell me what’s happening Peeta! I can help!”

“I feel like a fraud Katniss!” He stood up, and I could see a few tears rolling down his cheeks. “I wasn’t able to protect you, I was there beside you when you got shot and I did nothing, and when you were going into surgery I was at a party! I can’t stop feeling guilty, and the sight of you reminds me that I failed you!”

I took a step back, still frowning. That was it? He was blaming himself for the accident? It made absolutely no sense, but then again, did feelings ever truly make sense. I tried to answer him, but he was faster, as if that push was all he needed to let it all out. He moved his hands in the air, as if he was desperate to make me understand that he was right.

“And then, I can’t sleep because I keep having nightmares about losing you, nightmares where I shot you, nightmares where you are in a blood soaked wedding gown, dead, and I can’t do anything to help” he said and fell back on the couch. “So yes, I can’t look at you because I feel like a disappointment”

“And the bruise in your neck?” I said, I lowered my volume.

He frowned, and looked at me as if I was making no sense at all. I probably wasn’t but I needed to know. 

“What about it?” he said defensively, putting his hands on his pockets. 

“I need to know what’s happening to you Peeta! I miss you damn it!” I said, sitting down on the couch beside him. 

“I’m okay, I just need to feel like I’m not a loser who can’t be useful and everything will be back to normal” he said, standing up. 

I groaned and I let my head fall back on the couch backrest. I was frustrated, why was he being so stubborn about it? Why couldn’t he let me help? It didn’t have to be this way. I wanted to understand how to help him, I wanted to make sure he knew my accident wasn't his fault, but I wouldn’t be able to do it if he didn’t let me, if he didn’t stop pushing me away like he had been doing this past week. 

“Let me help Peeta! You don’t have to face this alone!” I said, looking at him. 

He shook his head and started to walk towards the door. 

“See you later, Kat” he said, and left through the front door.

I let out a frustrated tiny yell. My god Peeta Mellark, When did you become such a stubborn boy? I thought as I put a pillow over my head to muffle my scream and the angry tears that were rolling down my cheeks. I hated the whole situation, hated that he was being so defensive, and hated even more the fact that he was blaming himself for something that neither of us could’ve seen coming. How were we going to fix this? I missed him, I wanted to help him, but he seemed to want anything but my help. 

Who could I talk to? What could I do? And why had he completely avoided my question about the damn bruise? I wondered who could know something, if he somehow had confided in Haymitch, or if he had a closer friend he could talk to, just like I had Gale and Madge. Gale and Madge I had forgotten about those too. My god! Why are people so complicated to deal with? 

The cold war, as I had decided to call it since nothing else made sense, that Peeta had initiated between us, lasted more than I was expecting it to. If he was barely talking to me before, he was surely not talking to me at all now, not in conversations during our family meals, not even looking or smiling at me by accident. He truly distanced himself as much as he could, and everyday that passed, I was more sad and more pissed off about it, because deep down I knew, there was nothing else I could do to solve it, not if he wasn’t willing to help me with it. 

We had spent Christmas morning together, as he had gone to have dinner with his family on Christmas Eve. Funnily enough, I had hunted and gifted to Otho the turkey they had had for dinner that day. It pissed me off even more, that even when I was so frustrated towards him, I couldn’t help but make sure that he ate well, that he had at least a pleasant meal at his table. Damn you, Peeta Mellark. I really did have a soft spot for kind and warm people. 

Still, Christmas morning had been tense, so tense that even Prim was worried about it all. He had given all of us gifts, including Haymtich, and how would he not? He was still him after all, though he didn’t even dare to look at me as I opened the delicately wrapped box he had decided to put my gift into, and I was even more mad, because I wanted to jump from excitement as I opened the damn thing. 

He had given me my own leather brown leather jacket, just as the one my dad used every time he went outside when it was cold, or every time he ventured into the woods, though this one wasn’t gigantic on me, it was still a size or two bigger, so it would be comfortable for me to move around it. Damn you, Peeta Mellark! He had even thought about the fact that I would need it not to be tight, that it had to adapt to my hunting, and I couldn’t even say thank you because he refused to talk to me. 

He had given my father a whole kit so he could take care of his prosthetics, my mother received a painting of her and my father on her wedding day, along pwith a few medical pieces that would help her tons with her unofficial apothecary, alcohol, syringes, cotton pads and tons more of stuff I couldn’t recognize from a distance. Prim unwrapped her own box and found inside three precious dresses that would fit her perfectly, and bows that she would be able to put in her hair and that would look fabulous in the intricate braids that my mother was teaching her. Haymitch had his fair share as well. He had made him an incubator and suddenly I remembered when we had talked about the geese eggs we would give him to raise, so he could find a hobby to focus on. I would have to complete the eggs so his gift would be actually useful. 

Somehow, him being this thoughtful about all of us, just managed to increase my anger more than it already was, because I knew that even then, he was reproching himself for the accident that none of us could’ve prevented. Not him, not me, not Haymitch. I had concluded that not even the Peacekeepers would’ve been able to react in time to stop the man from shooting the gun.

That way we kept going, and I had just given up on insisting about it. I had tried to bump into him during his walks towards the bakery, I had tried to go to the bakery to trade in hope that he would open the door and would talk to me, but everytime the one opening the door was Otho, and not him, and the baker just managed to smile sadly towards me and trade as usual. 

My mind had a funny way of working, because more often than not, and ever since I was a child, it gave me a good dream once in a blue moon, mostly because the things in my own world where chaotic and unmanageable, it was like a desperate attempt to not drown in the despair that my real life was giving me, as if a pleasant dream could solve everything for a moment. 

I woke up, but things felt different. I looked to both sides of my bed and noticed what it was. That same more mature face I had seen during my nightmare in district 1 was staring back at me from the reflection on the mirror. I smiled slightly. I knew this scenario, I knew this reality, but suddenly I frowned, I also knew how this dream ended. 

I sprinted downstairs, ignoring the obvious hallway that I had already explored once before. In a way, even if it was just in a dream, I needed to hug Peeta, to feel his arms around me, to smell the sweet and unmistakable cinnamon scent that always accompanied his presence. Even if it was all a lie, even if I would wake up, even if I knew that the scene that was awaiting for me in just a few minutes was horrible, I needed the boy with the bread to hug me once again. 

“Peeta!” I said as soon as I saw him. 

He turned back and smiled at me, and then he frowned and opened his arms towards me, he looked worried. I didn’t doubt it for a second and ran to his embrace. It felt so real I could almost cry. I had missed him so much, I didn’t want to wake up, I didn’t want the dream to keep going, I just wanted to freeze the moment and stay in it forever. 

“Hey love” he said, as he stroked my hair. “Everything alright? Had a bad nightmare?”

I nodded. 

“Yeah, a horrible one. I had an accident where I almost died and you blamed yourself for it to the point you didn’t talk to me, and refused to even look at me” I mumbled. 

There was no damage in telling him, at the end of the day, I was actually speaking to myself, letting my own mind comfort me into thinking everything would be alright. The real Peeta would never hear these words anyway. Suddenly I regretted not appeasing him when he asked me to tell him that I loved him in district 4. Had I told him that I loved him after he woke up from the dead? It felt like such a lifetime ago, and unfortunately I knew that the answer was no. 

He hugged me a bit tighter, and I melted more in his embrace. 

“What a dumb version of me, that one from your dream” he mumbled, leaving a kiss on my forehead. “He must’ve been having non-stop nightmares about the moment and instead of seeking comfort from you he runs away. You should smack him the next time you see him in your dreams, and then give him a kiss, I’m sure he loves you to his core anyway” he said. 

I laughed at his words. This sounded so much like something Peeta, my Peeta, would say. My god, I missed him much more than I wanted to admit. I even questioned myself if letting such a big part of my emotional state depend on him had been a good idea, but I brushed him out of my mind almost immediately, I didn’t want to fall in such a horrible spiral so soon. 

  Then I heard footsteps coming from the stairs, and I closed my eyes harder than I thought it was possible. Here it came, the awful part of this almost incredible and comforting dream. 

“Mom! Dad! Willow Rose and Summer Ivy are making fun of my rash again!” a boy said, and I turned immediately, separating from Peeta’s arms. 

It ached a bit to do so, to abandon what I was looking for, but I also wanted to take a good look at the boy, to try and preserve as much as I could from his image in my heart. There was no way I was planning on having kids by choice in my real life, but here, I could taste the warmth of such vulnerable and adorable human beings that symbolized nothing more than the love Peeta and I had for each other. 

“I told him to stay away from the Ivy on the Meadow, he hasn’t been studying his plants” a second kid appeared, this time one of the girls, and she looked the same age as the boy. “You should’ve known better Rye Copper” she teased him again. 

Peeta laughed and shook his head, taking the boy in his arms. He left a small kiss on his forehead. The little boy looked so tiny in between Peeta’s arms that it made my heart ache. The feeling was familiar, because I had already lived through this dream once. It was coming, the awful smell of roses, the crimson that would stain everything around us, the screams, the pain. 

“He was mocking my attempt to paint with oil painting for the first time, he had it coming!” The third girl appeared.

“She was using linseed oil to make the first coat glazes! She looked silly!” he pouted towards Peeta.

“That’s no excuse to make fun of your sibling, and that goes to all of you” he said and left a kiss on everyone's cheeks, including mine. 

I turned to the door, expecting the horrible scene to start, but it didn’t, no peacekeepers came in, no President Snow, no pain, no blood. It indeed was just a beautiful dream, my mind trying to comfort me, to make me feel better. I smiled and took the blonde one of the girls, I still didn’t know which one it was, in my arms. I left a kiss on her cheek and smiled. I felt truly happy, I didn’t want to wake up.

“Why don’t you say sorry to your brother, hmm?” I said, caressing her cheek, memorizing every detail of her face. I didn’t know when or if I would ever see her again. 

“You too, Willow Rose,” Peeta said, taking the other girl in his arms. 

“We are sorry, Rye” they both said at the same time as they rolled their eyes. 

I laughed and, just as Peeta had done just a few seconds ago, kissed everyone’s cheeks. I wished I could stay here, that this was real, that the games were over, that Peeta wasn’t mad at me, but all I could do was to enjoy it as much as I could, before it was all taken from me. I stared at them and my heart felt full. 

“Will we go hunting today, mum?” Willow Rose said, and that was the word that snapped me awake. 

I sighed as I stood up from my bed, longing to return back to the dream that had just escaped from within my fingers. It was Sunday, probably around four am, just early enough so I could go to the woods. I knew I wouldn’t encounter the usual breakfast my mother prepared downstairs, but that was exactly my purpose or at least it was now that I was fully awake and conscious, so I could avoid bumping into Peeta, so the awkward wall that had built between us wouldn’t bother me today, as much as it had been doing all week.  

I went through the fence carefully. There was still snow everywhere, as we were really deep into winter, and I was holding myself as tightly as I could to the leather jacket Peeta had given me as I walked slowly towards the hollow trunk that had the bow that my father had crafted for me ever since he started hunting again. I loved it, he had carved my initials on the wood of it and it felt personal, it felt mine, something that was created just for me. 

When I found it I took it out with my arrows, just as I usually did in my routine. I wanted to hunt and let all the frustration I had go away, to just be the old Katniss for a second, to forget that anything bad had ever happened to me, to my family, to Peeta, to anyone that I knew, to try and evade the fact that I was somehow guilty of their disgraces. I also wanted so badly to forget that I was mad at him, I would run to his arms and forget that we had fought, I missed him so much to be mad anymore, I wished he knew that. Damn you, Peeta Stubborn Mellark.

“Catnip, didn’t think you would be here”

This time I didn’t jump at his voice, as I had done the other two times that we had encountered each other in the woods, but I did turn around fastly, as a reaction from his sudden appearance. Then all the conversation with Madge resurfaced in my mind and I felt confused. Great just when I was looking for some peace of mind. I thought as I unloaded the arrow off my bow.

“I was forbidden from coming for a few days, it’s my first day back” I told him, scrutinizing his figure. He had a bag over one of his shoulders, not big enough to carry meat, but big enough to carry strawberries. I was no fool, I knew exactly who in town bought and ate strawberries.

“I wanted to come by, to make sure you were alright, but I didn’t want to intrude in your house before apologizing first” he said.

That surprised me more than it should’ve. He was apologizing? I didn’t think, not in my wildest dreams, that Gale Stubborn-head Hawthorne would be the one approaching me to apologize over his mistake. It didn’t make sense for a second, it was like my mind was playing a down turn on me and was making me believe things.

“I was a douche bag, I shouldn’t have kissed you, and I shouldn’t have confused my feelings for you as something more than friendship just because I was jealous that you were spending more time with brea… with Peeta” he said, crestfallen towards me.

Was this something he had come to conclude by himself? This felt so out of character from him, but I didn’t question it, I didn’t want to, nor did I have the energy for it. I left the bow on the ground and hugged him softly. I was still mad at him, but I was happy that he at least was apologizing, that he was accepting that he did me wrong, and was willing to make things right this time. With all the chaos that was going through my mind, having my best friend back was like a deep breath of fresh air among pure smoke. 

“Thank you, you idiot” I said, laughing a little and separating from the hug. 

I realized then, it was probably one of the first times ever that I had hugged Gale in all the years that we had been friends. He didn’t mention anything though, and neither did I, I wasn't about to make a big deal out of it. I picked up my bow again and smiled a little towards him, prepared to tease him and question him. 

“So, Madge?” I said, nudging him on the shoulder, and smiling teasingly. 

I continued walking towards a deeper part of the forest. My dad would appear eventually, probably to scold me because of my sudden disappearance from the house without a warning, and I needed to have hunted something before he did. If it was like four thirty am, and my dad usually arrived at five thirty, though I knew I counted with a smaller window, because this time I wouldn’t be there for breakfast and he would come looking for me straight away, and he would be even faster than usual now that he had his fancy prosthetics. 

“Yeah,” he mumbled, and if it wasn’t because it was winter, I would’ve pointed out the obvious blush that had appeared on his cheeks. “She told you?”

“She did,” I smiled slightly. “How did that happen? Does she know about the kiss?”

He nodded and kept picking strawberries as we walked. I was checking some of my snares to see if maybe some of them had a rabbit or a squirrel. Damn it I thought as I remembered that aside from what I would have to take to my house I would also have to take Otho his squirrells. Then the dream where Peeta told me to smack him came to mind and I almost smiled, because it was like him to say something dumb like that. 

“Yes, she does,” he said, smiling a little. “She was the one who told me that I was an idiot and kissed me herself to tell me that she liked me. That was the same day our kiss happened.” He explained, sighing a little. “I spent the rest of the week struck by it, and when it was time to come here again I noticed that I was picking more strawberries than usual, that the kiss had made me realize that maybe, all that grudge was just pure frustration because I somehow knew a girl like her would never want me” 

“Ouch” I said, laughing at his words. 

“Oh come on, you know what I mean” He said, as he unloaded one of his snares.

“Yeah I do,” I said, smiling tightly. I missed Peeta even more as he said that, and I got more mad at him because of that. “So she snapped you into reality”

Gale nodded and passed me part of the strawberries he had picked. I smiled because I knew he was giving them to me for Prim, she loved them to her core. 

“Well, her and bread boy” I glared at him at his mention of the nickname, but then frowned. 

“Peeta?”

“Yeah, we bumped into each other and he gave me a piece of his mind because of the way I had treated you.” He laughed a little. 

I stopped abruptly and stared at him. Peeta had talked to Gale? He had said something? My mind began to race faster than I could follow. When? How? Why? It made no sense, but at the same time it did. He probably knew how much I missed him, but then again, it made no sense because they had never interacted on their own. 

“He talked to you?”

“Yes, Catnip, why are you so surprised? He fulfills his intimidating boyfriend role quite well, I almost believed him, if it wasn’t because he looks like a loaf of bread himself, or should I say fiancè?” Gale joked. 

“We-” I doubted if it was a great idea to tell him at the moment. “Let’s say I’m mad at him at the moment” I said.

I shot the squirrels I had to and put them on my game bag, along with two pairs of rabbits that had fallen into my snares. Well, we surely would have food at our table today, either way, I knew my mom would simply go to the butcher if she thought it wasn’t enough, but shooting was something I needed, especially since the horrible fear I had for the woods was going away little by little. 

I could see the sun starting to rise from within the branches that filter its light and I sighed. It was probably already five am, my dad would appear in no time. 

“Oh?”

“It’s nothing, but I-” I was cut short because I heard someone screaming my name. 

“Katniss!” It was my dad. He sounded scared, desperate even. 

I cursed myself. I should’ve left a note to let my dad know that I would be here, that I was safe, but no, I had to just run away. I was usually smart, but sometimes my impulsiveness got the best of me. I sighed and wrinkled my nose at Gale slightly, ready to explain why he was yelling my name in such a scare tone, but another voice joined my father’s. 

“Katniss!” He yelled. “Katniss, where are you?” 

Peeta.

Chapter Text

"I heard a scream in the woods somewhere. A woman's voice! I quickly ran into the trees with empty hands"

The bullet pierced their heads, and with her falling dead to the ground I yanked awake. I was covered in sweat, and the clock said it was four am. I had slept more than I usually did, but the nightmares didn’t spare me from appearing. I had relieved the scene of the bullet countless times, every scenario had something different, but they all were as scary and heart shattering as the last one, and it always ended with me screaming to a dead Katniss to wake up. 

It was almost two weeks since we had came back from the victory tour, and since then, I had been avoiding talking to her, because I could not handle looking at her, knowing that she was injured, knowing that she almost died, and all the guilt that came with that, with knowing I did nothing to prevent it, or to help. That while she fell to the ground I was a helpless mess who almost had to be sedated.  

I knew she was mad, at least she had been ever since the confrontation we had, where she had asked me what was happening. She yelled, and I yelled back, but as soon as I stepped out of the door I wished to run back to her arms, to cry and tell her how sorry I was for being so useless during such a horrible nightmare, to tell her that I couldn’t sleep on my own anymore because all I needed was to hold her in my arms to rest. That yes, I was exhausted, but it was not only from work, but because of my lack of sleep, and that the bruise she had seen in my back was a result of my mom scolding me endlessly as she always had done.

I stood up from bed and put my prosthetic on. I had turned to the routine of taking my daily bath after my first shift at the bakery, so I knew the first thing I had to do was put some clothes on for my daily breakfast with the Everdeeens. Which probably was the only thing keeping me sane, feeling their warmth, their love. I could barely look at Katniss but the mere fact of being in her presence managed to calm my uneasiness a bit, knowing that she was safe, that she was alive. 

I managed to make my way downstairs to put on one of the jackets that rested on the couch. It was freezing cold outside, and I wouldn’t stand a chance against the winter mornings. They made my amputation hurt especially bad. The metal turned really cold and it was like the cold was piercing my own bones, so I made sure to cover myself up as much as I could. 

I walked towards their house, letting my mind race with overbearing thoughts about everything that had happened, about my nightmare, about how mad she was at me. I had noticed the way she was constantly glancing my way, how she expected me to look back, to talk, to do anything but ignore her, but I couldn’t bring myself to, I felt undeserving of it all. That old feeling of being a burden for her in the arena, of coming out of that place solely by the fact that she fought for us both had come back, this time even stronger than before.

As soon as I crossed the door the smell of breakfast hit me like a warm wave, like entering their house was like giving into an alternate reality where none of the problems we were facing were real. I smiled a little, and took off my boots at the entrance. I had learned Asterid didn’t like us walking around the house with them covered in snow. 

“Bread boy? Songbird? Did y’all arrive?” Burdock asked, and I frowned. 

Why would Katniss arrive with me? Hadn’t they noticed the way she wanted to kill me with her gaze anytime I walked in a room? How we hadn’t talked or spent time together at all? But then, if Katniss wasn’t with them, and wasn’t with me, Where was she? My heart raced a little and I tried to calm it down. Going into a panic spiral right away wouldn’t help anyone. 

“Just Peeta” I said, walking towards the kitchen. 

“She’s not with you?” He jumped immediately.

 He looked scared, and that was all it took for the panic to overcome my mind. My biggest nightmares started to appear in my mind, clouding what little calm I could’ve had left. Wasn’t she supposed to be safe at her house? She was barely coming out of her gunshot injury, was she strong enough  to be somewhere else on her own? With how cold it was? Thousands of tragic scenarios started to race through my mind. 

“No, she isn’t here?” I asked, and I immediately started walking towards the door again. 

“She isn’t”

I put my boots on again, at a speed that felt almost impossible, but I didn’t care. All I could think about was about her safety, about her disappearance, about the way she fell dead in my arms hundreds of times in my nightmares, and that as of now, they could all be becoming my reality, and that I had just wasted the time I had with her by pushing her away when she wanted to help. 

“Where are you even going to go?” Asterid was by our side in no time, putting a scarf around Burdock’s neck. 

“Woods first, then narrow it from there” he said, leaving a small peck on her lips. 

I didn’t care where we were going first, I would search all twelve to find her if I had to. I just needed to know that she was okay, that all the scenarios of her covered in blood that I was harboring in my mind, were nothing more than fears, were nothing more than horrible nightmares. 

I opened the door and raced towards the woods as fast as I could. Surprisingly, Burdock followed my speed, but then again, it shouldn't have surprised me, the man was almost as good as new ever since he had gotten his new prosthetic, and a fast hunter was always the better option to be. For a second I imagined him practicing his speed again, speeding towards the end of the Victors Village and back, even at his forty one years all, he ran as if he was as young as me and Kat. I then imagined and wondered how fast ahad he been in his own youth, I imagined a time where he was just a kid as us, were he swift through the woods as if he was a fox himself. 

None of us talked during our way towards the fence, too concentrated to arrive as soon as we could. The sun was starting to rise, at least that would play in our favor on looking for her, even if we weren’t certain that she was there. I hoped she was, I hoped that  was safe- The void in my stomach started to grow wider, what would I do if something happened to her?

I didn’t even care to check if the fence was on or not, I pushed through it as fast as I could. I felt like my heart was about to burst out of my chest, as if it was a matter of time before I found her surrounded by blood tinted snow, as if I was certain that by the time I’d reached her it it’d be too late, but I kept running, not knowing my way around the woods, not knowing if it was a good idea or if I would catch on a snare, I kept running.

I heard Burdock scream like twenty feet away from me. He said her name, but no one answered. He sounded as desperate as I felt. Had I been a fool? Had I just lost the last days I could’ve had by her side because I couldn’t put into words what I was actually feeling? Because I didn’t want to feel like a burden anymore, even when she told me herself she wanted to help. I felt tears building up in my eyes, I wanted to run, to break something, to make sure she was alright, to just disappear from this horrible situation. 

“Katniss!” I screamed. She had to be here in the woods somewhere. “Katniss, where are you?”

Nothing, painful silence. It couldn’t be, she had to be okay. 

“Katniss!” I screamed again. 

I waited for what felt like an eternity, but then I heard a scream, the voice of a woman. I ran into the woods with my empty hands hoping that they would be filled with her presence. 

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪

“He doesn’t sound as mad as you say” Gale joked and I punched him slightly on the shoulder. 

“Shut up” I said. 

I tried to concentrate on the sound of the footsteps that were coming towards us, but my own heartbeat was making it hard. Peeta had come to the woods? I scolded myself after I noticed I was doubting he would come. Of course he would come for me if he thought I was in danger, especially after he was feeling so bad because of the accident on District One. 

“Katniss!” Peeta screamed again.

“I’m here!” I yelled back, knowing that it was enough for him to find me. That was something we had managed to develop during the games. 

I sighed and left my game bag on the floor along with my bow and arrows. I didn’t know how I would react when I saw him, I didn’t even know how would he react. I was still more than mad at him, but deep inside I had been trying to understand how he felt, because I was certain that if the roles were reversed, he would be doing the same for me. So that redirected part of my angriness towards me, because I knew I was being unfair to him. 

Then, before he gave a chance to react to his presence, Peeta ran to me, and hugged me. I almost cried there and then, because every amount of comfort the Peeta from my dream had given me, was nothing compared to the amount I was receiving from the real one. I hugged him back, I had yearned so much to have him back again, that I was not about to let the stupid fight ruin this exact moment. 

“Are you crazy?” He cried and yelled, separating himself from me, as if he was checking I was okay, and then he hugged me again. “Really!? How are you going to disappear without leaving anything behind?! You scared us to death Katniss!” He said as he buried his face on my shoulder, which I could feel getting damped. “I would’ve never forgiven myself if something had happened to you!”

I pressed my lips together as the guilt creeped in. He was right, as usual. I was a bit reckless for just leaving the house without leaving any sign behind, but I needed to escape, I needed to forget that he wasn’t talking to me, that I had yelled at him, that there was a wall growing between us that I couldn’t climb.  

“I’m sorry!” I mumbled, sighing. “I had a dream and needed to come to the woods to clear my mind”

Then my dad arrived. When he did, I noticed both him and Peeta had shaky breaths, they had been running, they probably had sprinted this way as soon as they noticed I was missing. I felt even more guilty, because I had scared them to death when I could’ve simply left a note on the kitchen counter for them to read. 

“Hey, long time no see” My dad said, towards Gale. He was still trying to catch his breath, but I could see a mixture of relief and angriness in his eyes. 

I knew their conversation kept going, but I couldn’t let go of Peeta, and judging by the way he was holding on to me as if I would vanish at any second, he wasn’t about to let me go either. I was still so mad, but I had wished for this so much that I couldn’t even phantom the idea of telling him that I was pissed at that moment. 

“You could’ve left a note” he cried, with his head still hidden on my neck. “I thought I would never see you again, I thought… ”

I noticed again the heavy spasms that were gaining power over his back, and I hugged him tighter, as if that could help him in a way, as if the light pressure my arms put around him could be reassuring enough to let him know that I was okay, that I was alive, and that nothing had happened.

“I’m okay, I swear I’m okay” I said, stroking his hair slightly. “You are freezing alive” I said, worried by the sudden notice of his temperature. 

Peeta nodded, but he did not move and he did not let me go either. 

“I went to your house for breakfast and came running here as soon as your father told me you were missing” He hiccuped. 

My heart ached a little more, and I almost forgot how angry I was at him in the first place. I sighed and then took a deep breath. I had already hunted a little anyway, and Gale could take the rest of the snares so the meat wouldn’t go bad. At the moment, I knew getting Peeta and my father back to the house was more important, because I knew the damn prosthetics would make their day hell if they didn’t warm up soon enough. 

“Let’s go home, you and my dad are going to freeze to death here” I said, trying to get away from the hug softly. 

He separated himself from the hug, and for the first time in the whole week, I got a close up of his face. His eye bags were bigger than I had ever seen them before, if it was due to exhaustion or lack of sleep I didn’t know, his blue eyes were red and filled with tears as the rest of his face, and the cold had made his lips and cheeks red, as if they were irritated and could burst at any second. 

I caressed his cheeks and smiled slightly at him at the same moment I could feel my heart break. Why had he pushed me away if he was struggling so much on his own? It made no sense again, that we wouldn’t let me help him with his guilt, that the best solution he had come to was to isolate as much as he could from the people that loved and cared for him. 

He nodded at my words, and took my hand almost immediately, as if that could assure that I would not disappear suddenly anytime soon. I took a deep breath and shook my head. I knew he was anxious and panicking, it was not the moment to bring up our fight, it was not the moment to yell, to ask for more explanations, and neither was the moment to say sorry, so I stayed quiet to him. 

“Gale, can you take care of my bow?” I asked as I put my gamebag on. “Also, take whatever is left from my snares to your house, it will rot if not” I asked him. 

“Sure thing. Do you want me to take the squirrels to the baker as well?” he asked and I nodded. 

“Yeah, I think I will stay home for the rest of the day. Tell him Peeta won’t go to the bakery today” I said, as I handed him the three squirrels. “If he gives you more than usual, tell him I’ll send more goat cheese the next time Prim makes a batch” I explained to him, closing my game bag with the rabbits again. “Give my greetings to Madge as well” I finished, just to tease him. 

He rolled his eyes and made his way deeper into the woods. My dad stood at my other side and said nothing.I knew he was mad, I knew that as soon as he could, he would scold me, but for the moment I didn’t care, I wanted to get them both back to the house so they wouldn't be gritting their teeth from pain later in the afternoon. 

We walked towards the house in complete silence, except for the occasional sob Peeta let out. He was still clung to my hand, but he was way calmer the more we stepped away from the woods. I wonder then if he was as afraid of them as I had been, if it reminded him of the obscure nights in the cavern where we didn’t know if we would ever come back home again. 

We came back to the house sooner than I noticed, probably because I had spent all the way lost on my own thoughts. We entered and I took off my shoes almost immediately, so I could put on dry socks. I also helped both my dad and Peeta with their laces, as if that could mend at least a little bit the scary moment that I had put them through. The whole house smelled sweet and was warm, probably because my mom had already made breakfast for all of us as well as had turned on the fireplace. It was probably around six thirty am.

“Burdock? Darling is that you?” she said as soon as she heard the door closing behind us. “Did you both find her? Are you okay?” she said, and I could hear her footsteps coming closer to the door. 

She appeared at the door as she talked, and sighed in relievement as she saw the three of us standing before her. I stood up carefully and she hugged me tight. I could tell she had been worried as well, but she would not let Prim on her own, and I knew my father would not take her running across the district to the woods with the horrible weather that we were having outside. 

“Niss” she said, as she took away snow crumbs from my hair. “Why did you do that? Do you have any idea how scared we were? Does your abdomen hurt?” she asked, separating herself from the hug, checking me with her sight, just as Peeta had done before. 

“I’m okay, I just had a dream that made me need to go to the woods” I said, taking off my leather jacket and putting it on the rack. “I don’t feel any pain, I’m okay mom, I promise” 

She sighed and then helped my father take off his jacket. He still looked mad, at least mad enough to refuse to look at me directly, and when I looked at Peeta I realized he was still avoiding my gaze. Still I walked up to him and helped him with his own jacket as well, he jumped slightly at my touch, but stayed still a second later. 

“You should take your socks off” I said, as I put his own jacket on the rack. “Go sit by the fireplace, I'll bring you breakfast.” I said. 

For the first time in what felt like an eternity ago, he looked at my eyes and nodded. I smiled slightly and walked towards the kitchen. I would eventually have time to fight with him, as soon as I made sure he was feeling better and that he was not going to writhe with pain later in the day. 

As I walked to the kitchen, I heard my dad’s footsteps following me. Oh no, was the first thing I thought, because I knew he was about to let me know a piece of his mind. It wasn’t like he hadn’t scolded me before, I’m sure he had, but it had always been for mistakes a little kid is likely to commit, like walking out without my jacket, leaving the window open at night, or forgetting to do one of my school assignments. This was different. At first it hadn’t meant a lot to me, especially because going to the woods was something I did constantly, but it had been different. My mom hadn’t cleared me to go to the woods on my own yet, for starters, and then, I had said nothing and disappeared without a trace when they knew things with the Capitol and the districts weren’t exactly smooth. 

“I can hear you dad” I said, as I started to pick out stuff from the things my mom had prepared. 

“Really?” I almost thought you had lost your hearing Katniss with how you barely responded to us calling your name in the woods and all” He said as he leaned his back on the kitchen counter and crossed his arms. 

I sighed, and kept loading the platter with stuff, I couldn’t bear to look at him. Suddenly the guilt that was keeping Peeta away made sense. My dad rarely called me by my full name, but I was not about to point out the fact to him, when I knew it would only make him angrier. 

“Did you change your pants already? You should be by the fireplace, your joints are going to hurt later if not” I mumbled, looking for herbs to make tea. 

“No, Katniss, I have not.” He said, and I could feel his gaze upon me. “And I wouldn’t have to, if my daughter, whom I thought was even smarter than me, hadn’t run away to the woods at four in the morning without saying anything!” he said, and I could hear how his voice was raising in volume word by word. 

I wrinkled my nose, and kept going with my assignment. I knew better than to contradict him. My dad rarely got mad, I had seen him mad just one time before, when I had escaped from his sight in the woods towards the lake house that he used to take me to. I was probably like nine years old, it was barely a few months before his accident, one of the last times we went there. The problem was, the lake was like a three hour walk from the fence, and as much as we were deep into the woods, we were nowhere near the lake yet. 

I had walked at least for more than an hour and a half and it was close to eight am. I knew the way. Thanks to my dad, my orientation skills were insanely good, so it was no problem for a child like me to make her way through the trees to the place she wanted to go so badly. I had forgotten completely about the numerous talks my dad had given me about dangerous animals, and hidden snares, and just ran into the woods somewhere. 

When I arrived at the lake I was out of breath, and of course, my best idea to make the hotness of the day disappear from me, was to enter swimming in the lake. The problem? I barely knew how to swim, but my little mind of 9 years old didn’t think about it that  much and launched herself into the water almost immediately. 

I was scared shitless when I realized I couldn’t feel the bottom of the lake, when I started shaking my arms in an attempt to remain above the surface, when I understood why my father had been so adamant about the fact that I had to be careful and sensible about the things I did when I was in the woods. I was already crying by the time my thoughts realized I was completely alone and that no one could save me. That’s also when my father arrived. 

“Katniss!” I heard his voice, and a wave or relievement washed over me. My dad had found me. I wouldn’t drown to death. 

“Dad!” I screamed in between pushing through the water and gasping for air. 

I don’t remember much after that. I heard the splash of my dad launching himself in the water, and I know he carried me towards the lake house that was next to us, but my mind was blanked out and I couldn’t stop crying. He made sure I was dry, and comforted me. I think he cried too. Then I didn’t understand why, now, having dreamt about having kids and losing them in front of me, I could begin to phantom the desperation he must’ve felt.

When we arrived back at the house I saw my mom running to us with a toddler Prim in between her arms. She smiled and then her frown took place over her face. My dad’s eyes must’ve been swollen from the crying still, not to say my hair was still drenched and my face puffy. 

“What happened?” she asked as she hugged us both. 

My dad explained everything to her while lighting up the fire of the house and setting me next to it, and putting a towel around my body. He then sat in front of me. He had a very serious expression on his face, and that made my heart skip a beat, because I had never in my life had seen emotions like that in my father’s face. 

“Katniss, what you did today was wrong,” he said. His voice sounded serious, and then, the tears started to build up in my eyes again. “You could’ve died, and when I told you it was not the time to go to the lake you should’ve listened!” He raised his voice at me. 

I turned to my mother, as if that would help me in some sort, but she shook her head and signaled me to look at my dad again. I did, because there was nothing else I could actually do besides it. 

“Your mom and I decided to ground you” he said, looking in my eyes. “You won’t be coming to the woods until further notice. You need to understand that what you did today was unacceptable, and that when your mom or me give you an instruction of some sort, it’s because we want what’s best for you” his voice was loud enough for me to burst in tears again, but I nodded. “Good” he said, and sighed.

After dad, I rarely disobeyed my dad’s orders, and the punishment wasn’t even that long, because I ended up missing just one week in the woods with him. But I learnt that listening to him was a good idea, that dismissing his orders would put me in danger, and after all that had happened I guessed that that was his purpose with his words. 

“I’ve told you already. I was escaping from a dream” I said, crossing my arms over my chest. 

A lot of time had passed since that incident, and although I knew better than to contradict him, I was getting a bit mad at his insistence. It was not like my wound was open or fresh, it wasn’t like I didn’t know how to defend myself, It wasn’t like I was a little nine year old in death danger again. I was almost seventeen, and I had survived the hunger games. If there was something I knew, it was how to protect myself with a weapon. 

“And what dream could be bad enough for you to run to the woods without leaving a damn note, Katniss?” he said, looking at me like I was crazy. 

I frowned as I looked at him. Why did he care so much? 

“Well dad, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I don’t have pretty dreams laying around in my head” I lied, looking him in the eye. 

“Yet you’ve never run away, Katniss. Answer my question”

I sighed and rolled my eyes. There was no talking him out of his stubbornness if he wasn’t letting the topic go already, so I peeked over behind him to make sure Peeta wasn’t near, because if I had learned something it was how easy eavesdropping was on this house, especially after the conversation about the so called Lucy Gray I had heard a few months ago. 

“Peeta has been avoiding me” I mumbled. “and I confronted him, and I got mad, and then my mind decided to give me the most beautiful dream where we were married and had three precious children and where he comforted me” I mumbled embarrassed because of my words, avoiding my dad’s gaze. 

“And that’s such a horrible dream you had to run away?” My dad said, and now, more than mad he sounded confused.

“Yes dad, because I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the man I’m in love with is slowly killing himself with horrible workloads until exhaustion and pushes me away as much as he can. Peeta has been suffering on his own and I can’t do anything. Forgive me if it seems and feels like nothing to you, but I am mad as fuck because he can’t even look my way over some stupid accident that wasn’t his fault at all” I mumbled though gritted teeth. Now it was my turn to be mad. 

My dad rubbed his face against his face and let out a frustrated groan, as if he was trying his best to make sense of what I was saying. In my mind it totally made sense, now that I was saying it out loud, I wasn't so sure about how rational it had been, but I didn’t care, I had to be rational my whole life. Why would one time I let my feelings get the best of me, be so bad?

“I’m sorry, okay?” he mumbled back, taking a deep breath. “I was just scared shitless about your sudden disappearance, you’ve never done something like that before”

I rolled my eyes and shook my head, taking the trail on my hands as the tea was ready.

“No dad, I used to, all the time. You were just too absent minded to notice” I said, and left the kitchen to get the trail to Peeta. 

It hurt a bit to say that to my dad, more when I was trying so hard to empathize with the numbness they had both felt during the time after the accident, but if he had felt that way, if he had seen my mother suffer so much because of his own pain, why couldn’t he understand my own pain because of Peeta’s?

I sat down by his side and put all the food that I brought on the coffee table in front of us. 

“Tea?” he asked, looking at the tea cup. He looked absent, but I would not tell him about it, not yet at least. 

“Yes, without sugar.” I smiled slightly towards him.

Chapter Text

"It's so excruciating seeing you low, I just wanna lift you up and not let you go"

I was staring at the fire, picking apart a tiny piece of bread. I still had my dad’s words echoing in my mind, and I still had the lingering and burning feeling of my own words on my tongue. The full of resentment decoy that I had shot towards him, as if I hadn’t already forgiven them both. I thought I had but maybe my mind had slipped towards a side of my inner child that wasn’t ready to let go of that. 

“Are you feeling a bit better?” I asked. 

My hands were itching to roll up the hem of his trouser as I could see how wet it was because of the melted snow. For a fraction of a second I was transported back into the arena, to a time where I had to cut his pants off, just to discover his injury was way beyond my capacities to heal, just to know I would have a harder time keeping him alive to bring him home, yet here we were, just with a leg missing. 

“A bit” he said, and turned to look at me. “Still making amends with the idea that you are still alive” he said, and leaving the teacup that had been in his hands just seconds before, he took my hand. 

I pressed my lips together and nodded, sitting closer to him than before, so I could rest my head on his shoulder. He left a kiss on my head and I closed my eyes. I could pretend I wasn’t mad, I had missed him so much that I could ignore any grudge that I had held towards him in the last week. I craved his warmth so much, that having him near, that being in his arms, that feeling his hand against mine, was all that mattered. 

“I’m sorry. I was running away from a dream” I mumbled, stroking his hand with my thumb. “I won’t leave like that again, not voluntarily anyway” 

I nodded and rested his head over mine. 

“What was your dream about?” he asked. 

I wrinkled my nose and opened my eyes again. The same question my father had asked, yet from his mouth it felt different. How could I tell him that I ran to the woods because the pain of missing him so much was too much to bear? too much to handle? Would that seem reasonable? I didn’t know if it would be for him. My dad had put it in a way that the feeling of despair that I had been feeling about his absence was dumb. 

“You” I mumbled, staring at the fireplace again. “The dream with the kids, only this time, it didn’t have a horrible ending” 

He let go of my hand to take his teacup again, and with that, he also took a piece of bread. It amazed me that ever since we came back, he had made sure that there was always a loaf of fresh bread for us, that there was always a cookie or a cupcake that Prim could pick into. 

“So what did you run?” he asked, and unlike my dad, he didn’t sound accusatory, or had a sound of trying to make me feel guilty. He sounded just curious. “Was it so bad to imagine a future by my side?”

I rolled my eyes and smiled, a little relieved that his voice held a hint of humor. We had talked about it several times already, about how I was sure I wanted to keep going with our plans, but I also needed to make sure that I could find the right words to explain why my dream had made me run away. 

“I couldn’t bear the thought of you ignoring me over breakfast one more time. Not when I had just felt your comfort and sweetness so palpable in a reality that didn't exist” I mumbled, taking a bite of my bread. “It got to the point where the you of my dream told me to smack you and then kiss you the next time I saw you”

Peeta laughed and took a sip of his tea. 

“That sounds like something I would say” he mumbled, and looked at me. 

“I also thought about that when he said it.” 

Peeta laughed again, and it made me smile. 

“I dreamt of them last night” He said, staring at the fire again. 

“You did?” I asked, surprised at his words, and I was. 

I wondered if he had imagined them the same as me, if the boy had his hair and my eyes, if the girls both had his deep blue eyes, if they all felt like home and infinite love for him. Every second that passed, I craved them more, craved to live in a world where having them would be safe, but we weren’t, so it was out of the question, it would be selfish and wicked to voluntarily bring them to us, to condemn them to suffering and assured bloodshed and chaos. Bringing them to life would be to raise them just to be meat for the arena, any child of mine, of us, would be, with how we had come out of it in the first place.

“Yes, same names and everything” he said, and by the way he was looking at the fireplace, I knew he was thinking the same as I was. “The older girl and the twins, he had your eyes and the girls had your hair” he mumbled and sighed. 

“I know,” I said, sticking my knees to my chest and then putting my chin on them. 

Because I knew. All that would stay there, as long as it was my choice, our choice, it would remain as nothing more than a pretty dream.

“I know you are mad” he said, and it stumped me, because it was not something I was planning on telling him soon, or at least not until I made sure he was feeling like himself again. “I didn’t mean to push you away, I just…”

I shook my head and sighed, I didn’t want to keep going, I wanted the conversation to end. I was afraid that, just as I had done with my dad, I would end up saying something hurtful out of spite, out of a need to make my anger go away. I didn’t want his apologies or explanations yet. I wanted to have the conversation we needed to  have under our circumstances, when the shock of what had just happened wasn’t hoovering over us like an eagle. 

“Let’s talk about it later, or other day, when things are calmer”

And before he could answer the phone rang. I frowned immediately. Who could be calling and why? It made no sense, I didn’t even remember giving the number of our house to someone. Who would have it and how? Haymitch? He lived next door, and though he had called my parents I doubt he would call us so early in the morning or at all. 

I stretched my hand towards the spot above the fireplace, so I could reach the ringing phone. 

“Hello?” I said as soon as the device hit my ear, curious to know the voice on the other line. 

“Well hello my dear!” Effie. 

I took a deep breath and then pushed the button that allowed the phone call to be heard out loud. I had learned about it through Cinna, who liked to call me to pretend he was working hard on teaching me about fashion and designing. He tried the first few times, but after a while he knew it wouldn’t work and just talked for a while with me, to catch up and make small talk. 

“Effie, hi,” I said back, returning to my sitting spot next to Peeta and the fireplace. “Why are you calling?”

Effie rarely called, and it surprised me that she knew my number. I knew she couldn’t call Haymtich, not really. He had ripped  his phone out of the house a long time ago, longer than we had been alive probably, or that was the information available to my knowledge. I didn’t know if she had already called Peeta, I hadn't asked him about it and he hadn’t said anything. 

“Well isn’t it obvious?” she said, and I could almost see her rolling her eyes. “I waited for Christmas to be over so you could have peace, but now it’s imperative that we start working on the preparations” she said. 

“Preparations? Of what, Effie?” Peeta asked. 

“Oh Peeta dear, is that you? That’s just perfect!” she said, and I could hear the excitement in her voice. “Well for the wedding of course. We don’t have much time left. Six months is a very short notice” she said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

The wedding. I had totally forgot about that small detail, about the fact that we had like six months left until we had to get married, the fact that by the next reaping I would probably be no longer Katniss Everdeen but Katniss Mellark, that we would no longer be eligible to be tributes but would have to mentor the next set of them to their certain dead, because the Capitol would not let another district 12 victor in sight anytime soon. 

I had thought about it a lot, on how marriage would affect our dynamic. There were endless possibilities about how a compromise like that could work out for us. At the end of the day we knew it wouldn't be real, not really, it would only feel official after we had done the toasting, and that wasn’t gonna happen anytime soon, or at least our conversations had reached that extent. 

What could Effie want to know or to talk? I knew we would eventually have to make decisions about certain things, but this being an event solely paid for by President Snow and for the residents of the Capitol, I would guess that they were going to decide everything, from the food to our clothing. 

“Well, I need you to know I’ve sent samples of invitations and decorations that should arrive today at most,” she said. “President Snow was very considerate and said that you could choose everything to your liking, though I took my liberties and narrowed it down to a few options for you two” she explained, and my forehead rested on my knees again. 

The whole situation felt like biting into bait that the man himself had crafted for us, but there was no turning back, not now, not ever. At least you have him I told myself as Effie talked, at least you are not alone in this, I mumbled in my head as I tried to follow the list that she was giving us. 

“Of course, Cinna and Portia will be doing your gown and suit, but that it’s something you’ll have to talk separately with them, you know, since it’s bad luck for the groom to watch the gown before the wedding”

“We’ll review them and send back our options as soon as we can, Effie. Thanks for the heads up” Peeta answered. 

“It’s my pleasure my children, now, bye bye, I have things to plan and order for you two!” she said, and the phone went silent. 

After that, neither of us could talk. I cuddled up beside him on the couch and he put his arm around me, but there were no words, no sounds, no anything. We both stared empty sighted at the fire before us, as if it could give us the answer or solution to get out of the mess we had created. But had we created it really? It was difficult to say when the Hunger Games weren’t even our fault in the first place and that was the root to all of our obstacles at the time.

And so it went, the first two weeks of January turned out to be filled with decisions about the so-called wedding. Cinna had sent dresses as well, for me, for my mom, for Prim, even suits for my dad to try, but that was something I hadn’t had the courage to look at, not yet, it would make it feel too real. 

Annie had learnt my number as well. She called often, and I had grown used to her voice on the other side of the line. I had found a big sister on her, someone I could trust. She had told me a lot of her experiences during her own games, her life as a victor, on the capitol, with the luxuries, her own lonesome experience. She hadn’t been a victor for long, in fact, she had only like a four year advance on me, but having someone so close in age coaching me through it all was comforting. She was peaceful and joyful, and someone who one easily learned to like, and kind people always had a way of working their way inside me and rooting there , she would not be the exception to that rule.

“Hello Kat!” she said, as soon as she heard my voice answering. 

I smiled, of course she would be the one calling. I suspected it had been Effie or Cinna, giving her my number. I didn’t actually complain, I enjoyed her presence in my life a lot. 

“Annie, hello” I said back, leaning on the counter over the fireplace. “How have you been?”

“Oh I’ve been just fine, fine” She said, and I could hear her smile. “I just want to talk to you about something” she said, and now she sounded a bit worried. 

“Oh?” I frowned, and looked at the fireplace.

“Yeah, how are things in 12?” she said. 

“In twelve?” I asked, confused. “Well, nothing’s out of place, everything’s been the same as it has always been”

She sighed, and she sounded almost disappointed to hear my answer, as if she was expecting me to say everything was totally out of control, or as if she wanted to hear a super out of place tale about how 12 was falling apart by pieces. 

“Really? Oh how boring” she said and laughed, but I knew better than to fall for it. 

Then I heard Finnick’s voice appear at the back of the phone call. 

“Shell? What are you doing? Mags is waiting for us to start on lunch”

“Oh, I have to go, Kat, bye bye” she said, and hung up the call before I had a chance to actually say goodbye to her. 

That was the last call I had received from her, and it had left a bittersweet taste on my tongue, as if there was something more to it than just her curiosity of me being bored. I needed to know why she had asked such things out of nowhere, but I knew, there was nothing safe about asking on a phone call that was most certainly bugged, she wouldn’t tell. 

Peeta and I hadn’t talked about our fight still, and though things between us felt a little better, it was still not the same, he was still keeping his distance from me, and I suspected all the wedding related things we were constantly deciding about weren’t helping much. That also didn’t give us much time to spend outside of it. While he was working at the bakery I was either hunting, spending time with Madge, or trying to make things with my parents go a little bit smoother. 

Madge and Gale had grown together a lot faster than I could’ve predicted, and the blush that appeared on her face when my questions about them started to come more often, made me believe they had already taken steps that Peeta and I hadn’t. It didn’t surprise me much anyway. This was Madge’s last year as a tribute. She would be nineteen after this year’s reaping, and they probably already had plans for after it, even if they couldn’t be that serious until they had spent more time together and until after the reaping had happened. 

I didn’t know if the mayor was too happy about their relationship, being that Gale was from the Seam and all, but I knew Madge didn’t really care, or not enough for it to show. What made me curious was how it would affect the dynamic of provider Gale had with his siblings and mom. Haymitch, or more like me and Peeta, had offered Hazelle the job of taking care of Haymitch’s house, and we were making sure she was getting paid enough for her to sustain the kids, but it wasn’t that easy, it never was. Gale was stubborn about taking care of them. 

My father and I were trying to teach Rory to hunt and to use snares as much as we could anyway, and that had made him a lot closer to Prim. I knew my dad wasn’t that excited about it, but the was a good kid, and every time I saw them together, even if they were innocent kids that were just friends, I couldn’t help but think about the wedding portrait that I had seen numerous times in my dreams, and often wondered if that was a premonition my mind had just figured out.

My parents were a whole other world. After what I had said to my dad, things had been different, he felt different, a little more absent minded, and every time he looked at me, he looked sorrowful as if he was trying to find the right words to say something that couldn’t be said. I knew there was a part of him who wanted to talk about the fight, about what I had said, that wanted to apologize and to receive an apology, but it wasn’t that easy. 

“ Songbird here they are,” my dad said. 

He carried a small leather pouch in between his hands, and judging by his expression it was probably the rings that we had paid to have made by my uncle Tam Amber. They came by to the house every now and then, they didn’t like it much in the victor’s village. I made sure to give them food every time I came back from the woods, so our relationship had grown at least a bit closer than it had been when I randomly knocked on their door that afternoon.

“The rings?” I asked, and put the list I was reviewing to the side. 

Effie wanted me to choose a color palette for my flower bouquet, and I was adamant on including the flowers that named me, my mother and sister, though it was being more difficult than I had thought, given that Effie didn’t like any of them at all, or at least not how they looked together. I couldn't care less, if I'm being honest, but this was a Capitol event, and everything had to be perfect . I would probably end up asking Peeta for help to convince her about my choice. 

“Yeah and, the engagement one” he said and sat by my side carefully. “He said he would have the pearls ready soon”

That made me curious. At the end, Peeta and I had decided to keep the pearls as necklaces, mostly by recommendation of my uncle, who said they weren’t hard enough to endure being worn on our hands and would, most likely, fall or break in a couple of years. So we ended up deciding that he could make whatever he seemed fit for our rings and for the chains the pearls would be on. 

I took the little leather bag in my hands and nodded. I didn’t want to open it, not yet, not on my own. They weren’t only my rings, Peeta’s one was inside too, so I decided to just leave it on the coffee table to rest. I would check it out with him before dinner, not that we were that far from it either way. Peeta’s shift often ended between three and four, and by four thirty he was already in our house with fresh bread to dine. 

“Thank you,” I said. 

“The engagement one, it was my grandma's,” he said, looking at me. “Her name was Barb Azure Baird” he mumbled, smiling slightly. “She was a wonderful woman, and spent the last of her days in love with one. They couldn’t get married, and when your mother and I got married, my mother still had her ring, so I think it’s only right that you give that ring the purpose it was meant to serve”

I smiled slightly and nodded. My father still withheld a lot of information about The Covey, so every bit, piece and crumb I got, was precious to me. They felt so far away, yet they were so rooted in the way I had grown up, the meadow, the lake house, the songs, the music, the clothing, everything came back to them. Barb Azure Baird I thought as I heard him. She probably was related to Lucy Gray, the other victor that twelve had had. Funny to think every single victor of our district ended up intertwined with Covey, one way or another. 

“Thanks dad, I promise I’ll take care of it”

“I don’t doubt it, Niss” he said, and left a kiss on my temple, he was getting ready to stand up when I talked again. 

“I’m sorry” I said. 

“Oh?” He looked at me, a bit confused. “For what?”

“For the thing I said two weeks ago, about you being too absent minded to notice. It was mean and unfair, and you were just worried. I’m sorry” I said, and sighed. 

He smiled and hugged me. Very few things in life could make me feel as good and as safe as my dad’s hugs and arms. If I thought about it, the only other place in which I had felt this safe and comforted was Peeta’s embrace. Him: I had to say sorry as well. I had been unfair to both of them, and selfish, not that I thought I was in the wrong, but because I said mean things that would make a grudge I didn’t want forming overtime.

“It’s okay, songbird. I’m sorry too” he said, and sighed. “I’m sorry I left you with such a responsibility at such a young age, it wasn’t fair, and you shouldn’t have had to worry about feeding four mouths at just ten years old.”

“I don’t hold a grudge against that, not anymore. Peeta and the woods taught me how awful mom and you had it during that time”

“That’s no excuse for neglecting you girls, it would never be”

I was about to keep talking when the sound of the door interrupted us both. I turned to look at it and I saw him.  Peeta was entering the house with a bag on his shoulder and a tiny smile on his face. He looked worn off, and just as I noticed the deep eye bags, the big bruise on his eye jumped to my attention. 

I jumped from my seat and ran towards him, as if that could magically fix whatever had happened that caused him to look like that. Why did he have such a big bruise on his face? Wasn’t he only working in the kitchen in the bakery? How could a job like that give someone an injury like the one he had?

“Come here” I said, and took his hand without asking anything else. “Let’s put something in that eye before it gets worse” I mumbled and guided him towards the kitchen. 

The walk was short and fast. Peeta said nothing, he just put the bag that was on his shoulder, carrying the bread he usually brought, on the table. I made myself search for one of the few things I knew how to use from my mother’s herbal remedies. The willow roots. From a young age she had taught me that either in ointment, tea or cream, willow ointment would always work for pain and inflammation, exactly what Peeta needed at that exact moment.

“How did this happen?” I asked, as I poured a bit of willow root over water and then put it to boil. 

I knew my mom had already prepared medicine, but her order was a mystery for me. I could never figure out where did she put the things she used for her patients, ironically enough, Prim always knew, but Prim wasn’t here, and I didn’t want her encountering a distraught Peeta with a black eye just after coming from school when I wouldn’t be able to explain her what or how it had happened.

He looked at me and pressed his lips tightly together, then I knew. It had been his mother. 

“Why?” I asked, looking at him confused, and probably mad as well. 

“She disagrees with me marrying you” he mumbled and then he lowered his head. “She has been yelling at me and making it harder on my shifts ever since coming back from the Victory Tour”

“The bruise that I saw through your shirt?”

“She threw one of the dough rollers at me because I was ignoring her insults. I also think I look too much like my father for her to actually stand me” he explained, and leaned his back into the island of the kitchen. 

“Peeta…” I mumbled and hugged him immediately. 

I would always be the smaller one between the two of us, but I had learned through him that my hugs did bring him some sort of comfort, so I had taught myself to give them to him, and even though it wasn’t one of my first reactions when I saw him struggling, it had become way more natural than it had been at the start of it all. Now I knew when or how to give them and I hoped they worked even a little bit.

“It’s okay,” he said, returning my hug. “It’s not your fault, it has always been like this Kat.”

“It’s  not okay either way” I mumbled back, shaking my head. 

“I will be okay,” he said, and left a kiss on my forehead. 

It was probably the first or second kiss he had given me in weeks, but I couldn’t bring myself to actually enjoy it when my worry for him was bigger than the warmth his presence brought. I used to think that, being from the merchants, their kids would always live a happier fuller life than us Seam kids, but after spending and talking so much with Peeta, I noticed it was all a facade, that under Panem, everyone that wasn’t from the Capitol would suffer one way or another. 

I heard the water boiling so I went to get it fastly. I couldn’t find ointment, but I knew willow tea would make his pain numb, at least for a while, and I could put a cloth with the tea over his eye to help it a bit. I had been studying my herbs a bit better ever since coming back from the arena. I knew I would never be as good as a healer as my mother and sister, but after knowing how vital it is to have this knowledge to survive, I couldn’t help but memorize everything and anything that could be useful about it. 

“You shouldn’t have to be recovering from anything in the first place” I said. 

I handed him the tea, and carefully put the leaves on a cloth. He accepted the teacup immediately, and smiled slightly. 

“What are you giving me?” he joked, taking a sip of the tea. “You’re not putting me to sleep to go kill someone, are you?”

“You are so funny Peeta” I said rolling my eyes, while blowing the cloth slightly to make it less hot. 

He smiled wider than I had seen it in a while and nodded. He really loved to joke around, or to tease me as much as he could. I secretly loved it too, but I knew that what he liked so much about his jokes was that they annoyed me a bit, so I probably would never tell him that I did find them funny. 

“Kat, we need to talk” He said, as I put the cloth on his eye and then took his hand to make it stay there.

“Yeah. I know” I mumbled wrinkling my nose. 

“We can’t keep going like this, Kat. Ignoring the obvious tension between us and hoping that it disappears, because it won’t” he said, and he looked at me. 

I wanted to avoid his eyes. His gaze felt like the weight of a hundred pounds over me. I didn’t like it. I knew we both needed to apologize and as much as the rational part of my mind kept telling me that I had been rude to him and to his feelings, the other part of me was telling me that I didn’t need to, that at the end of the day, my crashout was valid. But it was so excruciating seeing him low, I just wanted to lift him up and not let him go, I wanted to prevent him from suffering ever again, something clearly impossible. 

“Yes, I know,” I said, and met his gaze. 

He sighed at my silence and left the teacup on the island he was leaned into. He knew I wouldn't be the one apologizing first. Not that I didn’t know that I had wronged him by pressuring him and his feelings because of my yearning, I did, I had it more than clear, but I didn’t want to bring the topic out loud before him.

“I’m sorry, okay?” he said, and took my hand with his free one. “I’m sorry that I pushed you away and said nothing until you asked, and I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to entirely chase it away. You should smack me and then give me a kiss” He joked, playing with my hand. 

I nodded and laughed a little at his joke. He was obsessed with that dream, he brought it up anytime he could, as if it could chase away any other nightmare the both of us had had. Especially since he had dreamt with them also. I had never asked him about his own version, only because I wanted him to tell me at the right time, when he felt like it. 

“I’m sorry too” I mumbled, staring at our joined hands. “I know I’m a very defensive person, and I shouldn’t have asked you to share feelings with me that you didn’t feel prepared to” I sighed, wrinkling my nose. “Even worse, I yelled at you because you were feeling bad”

Peeta nodded and pulled my hand just enough for him to be able to hug me. I felt safe in his arms, I had always felt like that ever since that one hug in the arena, his arms had become a safe place for me to run to every time I needed. I knew we still would have to work through this, to establish limits, to know where and when the other one needed space, or support, but I supposed it was okay, because after all, we really did make an alright team, maybe a very much damaged and out of mind one, but a team nonetheless.

“It’s okay, I forgive you, now, give me my kiss” he said, and he stretched his lips mockingly to make me laugh. 

“You are insufferable, Peeta Mellark” I said, rolling my eyes. 

“You so love me like that though”

I smiled and left a tiny peck on his lips, to then roll my eyes again. 

“Yeah, I do bread boy,” I said, smiling a little. “My uncle gave my dad the rings today.” I said looking at him. “Do you want to take a look?”

Peeta smiled and nodded, and then he put the cloth I had put over his eyes in the dishwasher. He took the last sip of the tea I had given me and left a tiny peck on my cheek. He was still a bit quiet and absent minded, but I knew the only thing that would actually help him was time, and probably painting, that forcing his feelings out to me wouldn’t do us any good.

When we arrived back at the living room my father had already left, probably because it was Prim’s finishing time at school, he always made sure she didn’t walk back by herself. My mother was spending time at the apothecary as well. Her dad was much too old to work on his own, so she went there half time, and spent half time at home in her own informal one.

“Here” I said as I handed him the little leather pouch. “My dad said that he put the engagement one in there as well”

Peeta smiled and nodded. 

“Let’s see if I can pull that one out first” he said, smiling as he played with the three rings inside of the pouch, struggling to choose only one to take out. “I think this one’s it” he said as he pulled one of them out. 

It was a beautiful gold ring with delicately crafted swirls surrounding it all, like it had been crafted with tools as tiny as an ant. In the middle it had a blue stone that I could guess was a sapphire of some sort. Its blue was deep, and for some reason it gave me a tingling sensation at the tips of my fingers, as if staring into it was peaceful and powerful. Next to both sides of the stone were two white, polished, small pearls that gave the ring a magical touch to it all. It had to be the ring my father had talked about, the blue stone, the delicate and intricate work spent on it, it felt criminal to even think about putting it on, but he told me I should be the one putting it to its original use. 

Then I noticed why the sapphire had shaken me so much, because as I made eye contact with Peeta, who was just as astonished as me with the beauty of the piece of jewelry. I realized the sapphire was tinted in the same deep blue of Peeta’s eyes, that even without meeting me, my great grandma had given me a piece of her that would always remind me of him. Just then the thought of being fated echoed through my mind. Maybe Peeta and I were always meant to meet, maybe even without the games, he would’ve always been there waiting for me to notice him.

“Oh my…” I said. I was astonished by how pretty it was. 

“It’s amazing” he mumbled, out of breath. 

I nodded and kept staring at the ring, as if it would vanish, as if it was impossible for something so pretty to actually exist. It felt even more tight to look at it in between his fingers, as if that mere fact made it even more precious than it already was, as if it was the only right place for it to be, as if it belonged there from the moment it was created.

“I can’t believe it is this pretty” I mumbled, out of breath.

Peeta nodded, this time he was looking at me directly in my eyes. 

“I, Kat, are you sure you want to use this specific one for this?” he said “Wouldn’t you want to save it for the real one?”

“And what if we turn this one into the real one?” I mumbled sitting a bit closer to him. 

Peeta laughed and nudged me slightly with his shoulder.

“Don’t joke like that” he said, putting the ring on my finger softly, delicately, patiently only as he could be.

“I’m not joking”

He then stared at me, mostly confused and taken aback by my sudden change in mind. I was also confused. I didn’t exactly know why, but for a moment it felt right, doing this just one time, getting to outrun President Snow, choosing to get married beforehand, before he could say that he was the one that made us do it. It was as if I was revoking him from the right of feeling superior, of using us as puppets. If we did the toasting before the official ceremony, it would be no one’s choice but ours, and it would be an event of no one’s convenience but ours.

And I explained all my reasons to him, explained him how it would be like claiming this decision as solely ours, how it would be way more intimate to just have it done with our parents and siblings, how it would be better to try and make it count, to have it made on our terms and likes first. I didn’t know why I suddenly had the urge to take this specific thing away from Snow and to save it just for us , but I wouldn’t take an impulse like that for granted. 

Peeta nodded and took my hand then squeezed it lightly. 

“Okay, let’s do it”

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪

I sighed as I listened to the voice of the boy on the other side of the line. I had my phone reinstalled at their petition, and Effie’s, as she had told me I had to be reachable for all the wedding details I would be included in. It took them three a while to convince me, but at the end of the day, I knew it would be necessary. 

“You need to tell them, Haymitch, things in the other districts are not as smooth as they think” Finnick insisted. “The wedding is just a whole facade, because Snow knew they were not going to fix anything, it’s to keep people segregated”

“I know it’s all a big lie, but it won’t do them any good to know, you didn’t see their desperation at our rehearsals, I did”

“And that’s exactly why they should know,” he said again. “What are you waiting for? Snow to ask them to have a kid as soon as they return from their honeymoon? You know he won’t stop to create scenarios to keep people’s attention elsewhere”

I clenched my jaw as I listened to him talk. I knew he was right, that I had to talk to them about it, to tell them that all the show they were putting on was just to keep the people busy, that just maybe, it was better to stop helping them, that maybe this was our chance to make things better. Lenore Dove and the promise I held to her echoed constantly in the back of my mind and I couldn’t stop asking myself if the right thing was to take this chance and try, couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that she would’ve started working on a big plan to unite the districts against the capitol already.

Could you answer me in my dreams, my sweet girl? I thought as my mind raced with endless possibilities as to what could happen.

“I- I’ll see what I can do.”

“I’m sure you will”

And with that, he hung up.

Chapter Text

"she'll know me crazy, soothe me daily, better yet she wouldn't care"

I watched as the clock signaled four thirty am. It was Sunday, and it was one of the first ones where I had broken my routine of going over to the Everdeen’s for breakfast. Partly because of Katniss’ warning of her taking the day off to finally choose a dress from the gigantic rack Cinna had sent, and partly because my  mom had asked me to have breakfast with them once and for all. 

She had asked me, more so, yelled at me tons of stuff, and everyday I just had to nod and pretend I didn’t care, or pretend that she was in the right. I had always known I wasn’t and would never be her favorite, but after coming back from a near death experience, not once but twice, one would think that her heart would soften towards me a little. It didn’t, in fact, maybe it had grown even colder and more indifferent after all of it. 

I tried to understand her, I really did. I got that my dad had said things to her that hurt her tremendously, that her being pregnant with me and expecting a girl was one of their last attempts to save their marriage, that at her eyes, I was nothing more than a reminder of their failure, of her pain, but the more I thought about it, the less sense it made to me at all. Why would it be entirely my fault? I knew it was also due to the fact that I was about to marry into the family that haunted her non-stop. 

 I wiped the sweat from my forehead, caused by the heat of the ovens my dad had already turned on. One of my favorite things as a kid was to stay close to the bakery’s kitchen during cold winter mornings, because even if I couldn’t actually eat anything, the warmth and the smell of the bread were always comforting, that and my dad sneaking a cookie for me once in a while. Now eating pastries had become normal for the five of us, mostly because I made sure to pay for them so we could eat fresh stuff all the time. My mother didn’t like it much, but at least that was something she didn’t complain to me about. 

“Peet, mom says breakfast is ready” Zeek said as he peaked from the stairs. 

I smiled and nodded, washing my hands from the dough that still stuck a bit to my fingers. I loved being in charge of the first batch of bread of the morning. I loved watching little kids from merchant families come to buy their rations for the day, to watch people stare at the decorated pastries through the windows. If I could I would gift them all something from the bakery, but I didn’t know how legal that was, more so, they probably would never accept it.

I followed my brother through the stairs. He was probably the closest one to me. Graham was a bit distant, mostly because of our age gap, partly because of my mom’s attitude, but Zeek had never cared. I had spent numerous afternoons with him before the games, wrestling, talking, working. I thanked internally I got to have him, that at least I had him and dad, that not everything was lost and bad for me, that they loved me as much as I loved him. 

“It’s going to get cold, Peeta” I heard my mother say as I entered our dining room. 

“I know, I’m sorry, I was finishing the sourdough loaves” I said softly, drying my hands in my apron. 

“If you were truly sorry about anything at all, you wouldn’t be marrying the seam girl”

“Eira, it’s five in the morning, please” my dad sighed, as he sat down on the table. 

He really tried to talk some sense into her, to explain to her that neither I nor Katniss had something to do with their problems as adults, but she didn’t care, not really. All she wanted was for us to cut ties with the Everdeen’s, and we hadn’t before. I doubted we could by this point in time, not that I actually wanted to either way. 

“It’s alright dad” I said with a slight smile. 

She rolled her eyes, and put the food on the table with the help of Graham. I knew he was aware of mom’s favoritism towards him and Ezekiel, but he didn’t seem to care much about it, as much as I had perceived him, he always tried to stay neutral between the two of them. He didn’t like it much in our home either way, I knew he had plans on marrying a girl from the merchant side of town to escape from the bakery. 

“It’s not alright. I don’t know how you can’t see it, Peeta. She doesn’t love you” she said, as she sat down to eat. 

I sighed and took a sip from my tea. I had her speeches about them memorized. 

“She is only using you to gain status in town, to make her good for nothing father and her fragile mother look less pathetic” she said, looking at me directly. 

“Yeah mom, whatever you say, it’s not like she is a victor of the Hunger Games on her own merit anyway” I said, rolling my eyes. 

“You still hold a grudge against me over that?”

“Over you saying that you’d rather have me dead than returning home by her side? I don’t know mom, take a guess” 

My dad looked at me, tiredly. I often stayed silent to her words, but I was so tired of everything lately. Of the nightmares, of the impositions, of the wedding planning, of thinking how in hell I would talk about the toasting with our parents, of the overbearing guilt of being a burden to all of my loved ones growing insanely wider everyday. It seemed impossible to just ignore her words today. 

“Oh come on, Peeta. Let it go” she said, rolling her eyes. 

“I don’t know why you keep insisting on me coming over for breakfast and dinner if you don’t actually like having me around, mom” I sighed, as I emptied the cup. 

“Who said I didn’t? You are my son, I love you Peeta” she said, but it came out harder than she intended to. 

I shook my head, and finished the bread before me. One of the loaves I had made the day before, it was still fresh. I wondered what Asterid and Prim were preparing for Katniss and Burdock, what Burdock would bring back from the woods for their lunch, if he would come with the usual squirrels my dad had grown attached to. It hurt me a little to notice that even while being with my own family, who was supposed to love me unconditionally despite everything, I was thinking about another family, probably the one where all the members truly found it pleasing to have a round. I loved my mom, my brothers and my dad, I only wished they would love me as much back.

“Sure mom. I love you too” I said, mumbling. “I will go finish the cookies for today” 

As I stood up, and left the plate on the table I didn’t really notice the tension on my knuckles and hands, because when it reached the surface of it, it shattered in pieces. I looked at it for a second and closed my eyes frustrated. I turned to my mom and lowered my head a little. 

“Peeta Mellark!”

“I will clean it later, mother” I said through gritted teeth, and started walking without waiting for an answer.

I thought about Katniss as I walked down the stairs, and how crazy it was how close we had grown together so fast. I knew I loved her since before the games, but not even in my wildest dreams had I imagined an outcome as this one. I smiled as I remember her confronting me about me pushing her away. She was really pissed, but somehow, and even if at the moment I had just shut her down, it made me feel loved and cared for by her. She wanted to be there for me, she wanted to know my crazy and to soothe me while my struggles passed. I didn’t take her love for granted, and everyday I was more grateful that at least one good thing had come from the games.

“Peeta” my father walked behind me, but I was far too concentrated on getting the icing right. 

I was tired of him having to apologize for her rudeness, for her mistreatment, but I knew he would never stop, because deep down he blamed himself because of it.  I couldn’t bear to look at him. More often than not, I wanted to be a little kid between his arms again, to cry until there was nothing inside anymore. I was frustrated, and mad, but it wasn’t his fault, so I wouldn’t achieve anything by taking it out on him.

“I’m sorry, I will apologize and clean the mess later” I said, sighing.

“I already cleaned it” he said, and he stood by my side, helping me with the icing. 

I nodded and started putting the white bases on the butter cookies, trying to ignore the obvious tension between us. I didn’t want to think about it that much, not really. It was probably one of the first times I had actually bursted out at my mom, and even if I wasn’t proud of it, it had felt freeing, not jailing my feelings for the sake of peace. 

“How are things going with Katniss?” he asked. 

It made me smile slightly, because I knew deep down he was actually interested in knowing.

“Very well, actually” I sighed, visibly more relaxed. She did that to me, she gave a warm feeling to my heart by just appearing in my mind. “We have been talking about doing the toasting ceremony beforehand ” I told him, a bit nervous. 

My dad raised his eyebrows, surprised. I knew that was news that he wasn’t expecting, and it had been an arduous conversation with Katniss as well. We had talked about if we were doing just for us, or if we felt obligated to do it, when and how we would do it, and most importantly, at least for me, how we would talk to both Burdock and Asterid. 

“The toasting?” he repeated, nodding carefully. “That’s a big step,” he said. 

I knew he was scared I would end up in a marriage as chaotic as his, and though both Kat and I were really chaotic, I knew we were a great team, and we trusted and loved each other enough to know something like that wouldn’t happen. I nodded and started drawing the intricate flowers I usually did on the cookies.

“It is, but we will take all those steps with the Capitol wedding as well. We want something that’s just ours before it belongs to them” I explained looking at him for a moment. 

He smiled and left a tiny pat on my back. 

“As long you are sure and happy I will support whatever you chose, Peeta”

“Thanks dad, I really appreciate it”

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪

It was probably mid February when I finally acknowledged the amount of wedding gowns that were accumulating on the spare bedroom in my house, and it was solely because Cinna hadn’t stopped calling saying that either I made a decision soon, or the President would end up making a whole public poll for the people of the Capitol to vote for which one they liked best. I didn’t want them deciding yet another thing about the whole course of my life, so I had called Madge, Prim and my mom to help me dig through the stash. 

Peeta and I were doing pretty well after the fight. There were still some rough patches about how we approached our feelings, me because I was scared he would just hide his feelings from me, and him because he didn’t want me yelling out of defensiveness and frustration to him. How deeply we had rooted in each other was bigger than the fight, so we were able to work through it. 

“I think you should opt for a princess-like gown!” my sister said excitedly.

Madge laughed and crossed her arms over her chest. 

“I think a siren cut would fit you well”

My mom shook her head, as she entered the room with tea and cookies. She and my father weren’t all so pleased with the fact that Peeta and I were getting married so soon and so young, but I knew they understood that this wasn’t entirely our choice, and that it was as hard on us as it was on them, so most of the time, she tried to support and to  help whatever was happening. We still hadn't talked to them about the fact that we had decided to do the toasting beforehand, that would be quite the conversation.

“A siren like gown is way too revealing for Katniss to be wearing in front of the whole country, so I think we can discard those, Madge”

I laughed a little at her words. I would give her that, she was making a very good protective mother, and that gave me kind of a neutral space where I could preserve certain secrets or attitudes out of the public eye with the excuse that my mother wouldn’t like it if she saw us being too showy on tv. 

“I don’t like them either way” I said, smiling a little as I searched through the gowns. 

They were all extravagant, some way too much for my taste, but I knew this was all more of a, which dress will keep more attention on you, than which dress I’d like to wear as I walked down the aisle, kind of matter. Cinna knew what I liked, he knew how to dress me for me to feel comfortable and still look fashionable, but all these dresses were there to make a statement, to make sure I would be remembered for as long as I was alive as the prettiest, and most dazzling bride to ever exist. I wondered for a second if Portia was trying to do the same with Peeta’s suits. 

“I don’t know how am I gonna choose one of these” I mumbled, sighing a bit.

“Easy” Madge said as she stood up to watch the rack of dresses by my side. “You pull one, try it and if you don’t like it we move onto the next one” she said laughing  a little.

“Funnily enough, I think that is the only way we can go about this” I said, sighing a little. 

I had already discarded anything that seemed to be way too fitted to the body, much to my mother’s and I’s relief. I wasn’t about to spend an already overwhelming day trapped in a dress that would only make me feel more uncomfortable and observed than I would already be. I didn’t want to think about that day too much. It was sooner than I had expected it to be, just a couple of weeks after my seventeenth birthday. President Snow had said that it was for the best, so we could have a honeymoon, whatever that meant for him, and still be back with enough time before the reapings of the third Quarter Quell. 

The Quarter Quell was haunting me a bit more with each day that passed. I couldn’t help but think about the fact that we would have to coach two more  kids to their deaths, two sets of parents who would blame us unequivocally for not bringing their offsprings home, and to my own dread, it was true. There was no way district twelve would get a winner, I had that more than clear on my mind, so all the effort we would put on to help them would be wasted, not worth anything. It was probably easier to let them know they would die no matter what we did or said, but that would just be straight up cruel. 

After trying probably around six dresses, I ended up putting one that, against my better judgement, liked. It was really long, and quite puffy, to Prim’s delight. It had a bit of cleavage, though not enough to scandalize my mother, and the sleeves started almost at the end of my shoulders and ended around my elbow, they danced around freely over my arms in a loose way. It was cinched at the waist and it had some sort of layering to the skirt that made it look magical, almost as if it was made to work with the wind and make me look like an angel. The top part had an imitation of feathers to it, and it was with that that I noticed the colors. It was off-white but towards the end of the layers of the skirt it had faded out colors, light blue, lilac, a light shade of orange and hints of a sage green. I had never doubted the talent that Cinna’s artistry hands had, but this was something unlike anything I had ever seen before, it was made to resemble a mockingjay.

“Oh that one is breathtaking!” Prim said excitedly. 

I nodded and smiled as I looked at myself in the mirror. 

“I think this is the one” I mumbled as I felt a tingling sensation growing in my stomach. 

I felt my mom hugging me softly from behind, and smiling in the mirror. It was often said to me that I was my fathers vivid image, but as I was standing next to her, watching her features just next to mine, I could see glimpses of her as well. The shape of our noses, the way our eyes closed a little when smiling, and her face shape, it was all there. Sure, I would always look more like my dad, but my mom was a part of me as well. At the end of the day, both me and Prim were that, a product of a combination of them both, of their love and care for each other. 

“I think so too” she said, and left a tiny peck on my cheek. “Your father will cry if he sees you in this”

“It’s literally her songbird costume,” Prim said laughing happily. “Oh I can’t wait to see it with a veil and all the production Cinna will put into you, and Peeta’s suit will look just fantastic next to this one”

Madge turned to look at her, surprised by her words. 

“You already saw Peeta’s suit?” she asked.

“Obviously I did,” she said, giggling. “ Uncle Haymitch, dad and Otho were there as well” she explained. 

“Well, you can stop talking about it now, it’s supposed to be a surprise for your sister” My mom said, walking towards her to leave a kiss on her forehead. 

Prim laughed and nodded. She was really excited for it all. At the end of the day, she was the one who was enjoying all the dresses and accessories and planification that had come with the wedding announcement, and she was also more than thrilled that Peeta would officially be her brother. It made me happy, that at least she was taking something good out of all the mess that the games had put us into. 

“Now, you and Madge get started on tea. I have to talk to your sister” my mom said, and I turned to her a little confused. 

“Sure thing” Madge said, and took Prim’s hand to lead her downstairs. 

They didn’t have to do much, Peeta’s pastries were already flooding the whole kitchen, and most of the tea leaves were already meticulously organized by my mom. I knew this was some sort of excuse to take Prim out of the room, to talk to me about something she didn’t want Prim hearing. I couldn’t figure out what, though. What could she want to talk about? Had something happened?

She helped me take off the dress quietly, and my nervousness only grew wider from there. 

“I heard you and Peeta talking a couple of weeks ago”

“Oh?” I said frowning. “What about?”

We didn’t exactly keep our conversations a secret, they were mostly around my house. In the living room, in the porch, the kitchen, and if they were imperatively only for us, they maybe were at the fountain that decorated the center of the Victor’s Village, but not more than that. Sometimes I went to Peeta’s house, to help him organize something, to read by his side while he painted, but not more than that, my parents didn’t like the idea of us being alone at his house that much, and after stripping them from almost all their say in our lives, that was something I tried to respect. We had slept together a couple of times, especially when our nightmares got way too unmanageable, but it had always been on the couch of our living room, or in my room with the door open. 

“You are planning on doing the toasting before the actual ceremony”

“ Oh. That conversation.” I said, wrinkling my nose slightly. 

When we had talked about that I could’ve sworn we were totally alone, but it seems like we weren’t, that my mom had eavesdropped on our conversation. Shouldn’t surprise me as much as it was doing, at the end of the day, we had done the same to tons of their conversations. We probably were so focused on the uncovering of the rings that the volume of our voices had gone up without us noticing. 

“Yes. So, when were you planning to tell us all that?” She said, as she put the dress back on the rack carefully, and helped me get dressed again. 

“As soon as Peeta and I decided when or how to tell you all about it” I mumbled, pressing my lips together. “If you heard the conversation then you know t…”

“That you guys are doing it for this to be yours, yeah, I know” she said. “I just wish you guys would talk to us about it, we are your parents, you know? We are trustworthy”

I sighed and finished dressing up as fast as I could. 

“I know you are mom, but we weren’t sure”

“You sounded sure to me,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest. “Look, all I am saying is that you two don’t have to lie to us or hide things, we can help, Niss” she said, looking at me. 

“I know mom, I will talk to Peeta about it”

“Talk to me about what?” he said, peeking his head through the door slightly. 

My mom rushed to stand in front of him while laughing. I know she didn’t really care about the tradition of not seeing the bride’s dress before the wedding, especially since she had rented her own wedding dress while marrying my dad, but Effie had begged her to please make sure the dress was a surprise to Peeta, and after all she had done to take care of us during the tour, my mother couldn’t help but agree to her request. 

“Uh-uh, you Peeta Mellark, you can’t be here, it’s bad luck” she said, pushing him slightly outside of the room. 

I laughed and rolled my eyes, walking behind her to the hallway where Peeta now was. I closed the door behind me and smiled towards him. It was Sunday, so he had spent his morning at the bakery, and though I usually went hunting, I had spent my morning trying on wedding dresses. I had warned Gale about it, and I suspected so did Madge, so Hazelle told me that he would take that time to finally go to the woods with Rory, so the real snare master could pass down his knowledge.

“She heard us talking about the toasting” I mumbled, sighing a bit. 

“Oh” Peeta said, now blushed. “I- We didn’t-” he said, now obviously nervous from the sudden confrontation. “I wanted to ask you and Burdock for approval before we talked anything official with you guys” he explained. 

“Talk to me about what’” my father said, appearing suddenly through the hallway. 

Oh great, just the one who was missing. I sighed. The situation was getting way more complicated than it was in the first place. I didn’t even think about the fact that they could potentially disagree with it. I knew we were young and all, but we were getting married either way, doing or not the toasting would change little to nothing from the reality we would eventually have to face. 

“Peeta and Katniss are planning on doing the toasting ceremony before the actual wedding in the capitol” she said.

My dad blinked twice, as if he needed time to actually process what my mom had just said. I didn’t even know what to expect from his reaction. We told them this was all a decision that wasn’t entirely ours, but then we went and actually took the step of getting formally married by district 12 standards. I knew it would be kinda weird, and that our timing had to be just right for it to make sense to the capitol, but the explanation that I had given Peeta beforehand made sense, at least in my mind. 

“The toasting?” he said, now frowning. “Didn’t you guys say you were doing the whole wedding thing for the Capitol only?”

“Yes, but it’s complicated,” I said, looking at him. “I was the one who proposed doing the toasting, I just, I don’t want them taking another thing away from us. So if we took the decision and did it before the big royal wedding President Snow is planning on hosting it will feel like winning one over them”

My dad frowned, confused. 

“And you are okay with this, bread boy ?”

“She was very convincing, but we did want to talk to you guys about it,” he said, sighing. 

“So much for wanting to bring it up. How long have you known this for?”

“Like a month,” my mother answered. “Look, I just think you guys are a bit young to be getting married in the first place, and as much as I understand that the capitol wedding wasn’t entirely your choice, doing the toasting so soon, feels rushed and unnecessary” 

I rolled my eyes. I knew it would be harder to convince them that this was the right thing to do, that my mom wasn’t entirely fascinated with the idea of us getting married so young, but it truly was something we had talked through numerous times after the first conversation, and we had both agreed to it either way. Everything that the toasting would bring, would also come with the ceremony made in the capitol, this way it felt like protecting something that was just ours from them. 

“Let’s talk about it more calmly another time, okay? You guys just think about it more thoroughly, please” I said to my mom and dad to then take Peeta’s hand and guide him through the hallway. 

So much for a planned and calmed rational conversation. 

“Katniss! Mom!” I heard screaming downstairs, and my soul left my body for a second. 

That was Prim’s voice, but why was she screaming? We were at our own house, where she was supposed to be safe, where nothing was supposed to happen to her. Here, with no peacekeepers, no hunger, no dangers, why would Prim yell in such despair? I stood frozen for a second, not really knowing what to do. The rational thing was to run to her, but I felt paralyzed. Thankfully my dad wasn’t. He took my mom’s hand and ran downstairs. 

“Katniss, Katniss it’s okay” I felt Peeta’s arms embracing me, but his voice sounded full of panic as well. “She will be okay”

I didn’t know if that could be true, but I held onto him because the old familiar feeling of losing my sight and my hearing was coming back to me again. The last thing I needed in a situation like this one was a panic attack, but I couldn’t help it. The mere thought of Prim being endangered made a void in my stomach that was consuming me alive. 

Then it came the most shattering scream I had heard since coming back from the arena. I stiffened in shock, and Peeta just held me tighter, as if the scream had shattered him as well. For a second it all replayed in my head, the tributes I killed, the canons, the pain, the injuries, the hunger, the fear, the despair of not knowing if I was going to be able to come home. This scream was different though, because I had never heard it before, but the name I recognized. 

“Gale!” I heard it again. It was Madge. 

I yanked away from Peeta’s arms at the recognition of my best friend’s name. I was running downstairs when I saw Hazelle arrive through the front door. She was pale as one could be, and toddler Posy was crying in her arms and Vick was nowhere to be found in my sight. What had happened?

“Bread boy, don’t let Katniss come!” my father yelled.

It was too late, because my legs were already taking me towards his voice, though I did hear Peeta’s footsteps coming behind me. The kitchen was full of people, and among those I managed to catch a glimpse of Haymitch cooping Prim’s face, trying to get her to breathe and calm down, and as much as I tried to read his lips, I couldn’t figure out much more than need and mom , and that wasn’t enough for me to make it make sense.

Madge was staring with an almost empty look towards the kitchen table. I couldn’t see what was on it, because before me were all the members of Gale’s mining crew. What were they even doing at my home? My mind was going faster than I could follow, and not a single thought in my mind made sense. 

“Katniss!” Peeta screamed, and in that instant Gale’s crewmates turned around, surprised by my sudden presence.

I caught a glimpse of what was behind them, just before Peeta’s arms turned me around and blocked my sight again, but it was too late, I had already seen what they were trying to hide. In the kitchen island that usually was full of herbs or with some kind of prey that my father or I had hunted before, were Gale and Rory, stripped from their shirts and covered in blood from some kind of injury I couldn’t quite figure out.

Chapter Text

“I wanna run against the world that’s turning, I’d move so fast that I’d outpace the dawn, I wanna be gone. I wanna run so far I’d beat the morning”

“Katniss, pretty calm down” I heard Peeta’s voice, as my sobbing became stronger and stronger. 

Rory and Gale were laying there, with their backs torn apart where only shattered flesh could be recognized. I felt dizzy, out of my mind. Why were they like that? What could’ve happened that they ended up half dead at my mother’s table? It was almost tea time. To my understatement they had gone to the woods to hunt together, but it made no sense that they were suddenly injured so badly. 

“They- they are badly injured!” I said, crying loudly, clinging to him tightly. “What? How?” I said, shaking my head. 

“I don’t know,” he said, stroking my hair. “But I know they will be alright, okay? Your mother will heal them, alright?”

I nodded, but I wasn’t sure. I had seen Peeta come back from blood poisoning, sure, but it wasn’t district twelve, it was capitol, where we had medicine that basically saved him. Here? Here there was nothing more than herbs and very very scarce medicine that my mother barely had access to. Would it be enough to save them both? What had even happened? 

I just wanted to disappear, to pretend I hadn’t seen what I had just seen. For a moment I felt envious of my sister, who could just calm down and face the situation as if it was nothing, as if it was just some kind of trance she could go into as long as she was needed. I wanted to go there, to help in some way, to pretend I was as capable as them with healing, but I wasn’t, and the  fact that I could do nothing to help my very injured best friend was eating me alive. 

Peeta kept soothing me, and at some point I didn’t really notice, we were sitting down on the couch, me cuddled beside him. The tears had stopped but the worrying stabbing sensation that was piercing my heart didn’t. My mind couldn’t make sense as to what had happened for them to end up that way, what on earth had they done for Cray to treat them that way. 

“Katniss?” a new voice joined the living room. 

It was Thom, one of Gale’s crewmates. In his arms he held Posy, the little girl who was an exact replica of Hazelle. His shirt was a bit stained with blood, and I didn’t really have the energy to figure out if it was Rory’s or Gale’s, what difference would it make anyway? They were both fighting to stay alive. 

“Thom” I said, but my voice barely came out. “Is everything okay?” I asked, and Peeta took my hand almost immediately. 

“Your mom just finished cleaning both their backs, she says we should be glad it happened while it’s still winter, that will keep the flies away and their body temperatures fresh” 

I nodded, suddenly dizzy by the information Thom had just thrown out. I wanted to puke, not that I had much in my stomach either way. He walked more towards us and sat on one of the sofas. He looked shocked still, probably because he had witnessed the whole scenario that still remained a mystery for me. 

“Hazelle told me to ask you to take care of Posy, if it’s not much of a problem.” he said. 

She was asleep in his embrace. Posy had just turned five years old. She had been born mere months after the accident in the mines and was a very shy baby, because most of the time, her older brothers and Hazelle over protected her. She had grown to like me in the past months, probably because I often made sure, with my dad’s help, that their share of the meat got to them, and every bag of game, was accompanied with pastries I bought from Otho. 

I hesitated a bit, but Peeta didn’t doubt it much and took her with his free arm, the other one still hugging me. I stared at him and smiled slightly, it was no secret to me that he was really good with kids, or at least that had been my perception with the few interactions I had seen him have with the toddlers that went to the bakery. 

“What happened?” I asked, taking one of little Posy’s hands to play with. 

Thom sighed and shook his head. 

“It was all so fast.” he said, playing with his hand. “Gale and Rory had gone to the woods to collect the meat from the snares, they only had a very big wild turkey, and Gale’s idea was to trade it with old Cray, as he usually did” he started explaining. “But Cray wasn’t the one who opened the door, apparently there’s a new Head Peacekeeper in town, and Gale found out in the worst way possible. He whipped him and Rory, even when Gale asked tons of times to receive Rory’s share of the punishment”

Of course. It made sense then, why they had arrived like they did, why they were so badly injured. It was weird that Cray had just disappeared, and though something told me there was more to it than just his absence, I didn’t have the energy nor the will to investigate. Not when I was supposed to be on my best behaviour, to be an example of what a good citizen of Panem should be. 

“It makes no sense”

“It doesn’t” he said, shaking his head. “I think his girlfriend, Madge, went to her house to fetch morphling for them both, so watch out for when she comes, we all are supposed to be under curfew and there’s a snowstorm outside”

“Sure thing, I will” I mumbled.

We talked with him for a few minutes more, but neither of us knew how to keep it going for long, not when just in the other room Gale and Rory were fighting to stay alive. I thought of Madge and Prim, how they both had stayed sane during such an awful moment. The image of my little sister’s eyes changing as soon as Haymitch told her something about my mom, how she immediately went to help, how Madge had run just to fetch medicine with the risk of getting caught and punished. For a fraction of a second I got mad at her for being reckless, but then I remembered how hypocritical it would be coming from me, and had to let my little grudge go. 

“Peeta what is happening? A new Head Peacekeeper?” I mumbled, still staring at Rory, who was more than asleep.

“I’m as confused as you, Kat,” he said, sighing. “I thought everything had went well with the Victory tour” 

“So did I. It makes no sense. Why would things be changing if everything’s supposed to be alright?”

“I really have no idea” 

After that, we stayed silent, knowing that the conversation we wanted and needed to have was not safe to be inside the house, where probably every single corner of it was bugged. So, after a while of staying in silence I just felt asleep, soothed by Posy’s and Peeta’s warmth by my side, and probably also exhausted from the insane amount of crying I had spent doing in the past hour. 

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪

“That’s all we can do for  now” Asterid said, and with that, she let herself fall in one of the stools  that were around the kitchen Islan. 

I walked up to her and hugged her, to then leave a kiss on her temple. I knew she totally transformed into another person as she worked, as she used her hands in such an intricate way, but as soon as she snapped back, her energy was consumed. She was a kind soul, someone soft and easily moved by feelings, so someone’s suffering usually drained her enough to exhaust her, and I suspected this specific case, felt even worse than most of the ones she had done in the past, excluding mine, for sure. 

“Come here sweet pea ” I said to Prim, who immediately ran to both of us and started crying. 

I took a deep breath and pulled them both tighter into my embrace. This was the hard part of loving them so rootedly, so wholeheartedly; having to go through the suffering as well, having to feel my heart shattering and having to pretend it wasn’t, just to be able to support and give them whatever they needed me to. Then it also pained me to think that there was one of my girls missing from the hug, but everyday, she seemed to be needing me less and less. 

“It’s so unfair,” Prim cried on my chest. “They will have scars for life, all because of a wild turkey? All because they didn’t want to starve?” 

“Prim” Asterid said, and I could tell it was like a warning for her to stop. Of course it would be, the whole house was bugged, it wasn’t safe to complain about that kind of stuff. 

Suddenly Haymitch’s words echoed in my mind again. One of the first conversations we had had after Katniss came back from the games. Your daughter changed. She’s a victor now. You’ll figure it out on your own, Burdie. Unfortunately I had. I understood why Haymitch had pushed us away, why he had decided to carry the burden of being alive on his own to ensure we would be alive, even if it meant that we were going to hate him, at least we were breathing. 

I wondered how much of that responsibility had fallen onto Katniss and Peeta, how much were they not telling us, how much they had done during their Victory tour, during the festivals, during their interviews, how much had they suffered on their own for the sake of trying to protect us? And even then, we weren’t entirely safe, not really. 

“Let’s get the boys and Hazelle some space” I mumbled, as I left a kiss on both their heads. “Go to the living room, we can have tea and pastries outside, with the guys and songbird” I said, and guided them both outside of the kitchen.

Truly, I just wanted them to stop watching the horrible injuries we had before us. They had done their best, but sometimes even their best wasn’t enough. I wanted to think this time it would be, but there wasn’t a way to know. They had been sedated a while ago, with morphling that Madge had brought, so they would wake up eventually. The only thing we could all do was wait for the curfew to end and hope for the best. 

I watched them both exit and took all the things needed on the tray that Prim had been preparing before the guys arrived. I hated the way things were repeating, the way the Peacekeepers were being brutal again. How long had it been without a single whipping in twelve? Probably more than two decades, or around that. Why now? Why were Peeta and Katniss’ victory backfiring so much on them? Had we really watched everything that had happened in their games? Were there things they couldn’t really talk about? I sighed and shook my head. There was no point in wondering,  not when getting answers would be impossible, and even worse, they would probably only leave more questions. 

“Ast, Prim, do you prefer buns or cookies?” I said loudly, as I walked towards the living room. 

“Shhh, dad.” Prim said, and pointed in the direction of the couch. 

I frowned, confused because of her actions and then turned my head to look at what she was watching as well. There on the couch were Peeta and Katniss, cuddled up on each other with baby Posy between them. My heart froze for a second at the sight of them, and just for a moment I caught a glimpse of what their future could be like. I knew there was little to none authority they had over their own lifes, over the way they would plan their future. I knew they would always have to try and stay one step ahead of the Capitol to feel like anything was truly theirs, but this sight felt so warm, so correct that it scared and pained me a little. 

I had known for a long while that Kat was all grown up, that the little girl who loved to go to the forest with me just for exploring and escaping, would never really come back to me. That she was already a young woman who had to face situations that made her grow up faster than she should’ve, but actually getting a physical reminder that my little girl, the one I held closest to my heart, the baby that had made me a parent, that had shown me that unconditional and overbearing love, didn’t actually need me, was something else. 

It was probably at that moment when I realized why they wanted to do the toasting so early, why they wanted to have at least one thing made their way and by themselves before it was taken from their hands and made a show. I put myself in the situation with Asterid. How would I have reacted if we had to go through it? If we were the ones having to make our love a business of the whole entire country? I wouldn’t be able to bear it, I would’ve wanted to protect her and hide her from everyone that she didn’t want to be perceived by.

“They truly are made for each other” I mumbled with a tiny smile. 

If my little girl was to be entirely removed from my home, at least I was glad she had someone who loved her almost as profoundly as I did. 

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪

The snow storm Thom had warned us about lasted three more days. Hazelle stood at home, mostly helping my mom around the house and taking care of her kids. Vicky was having the time of his life playing with Prim, who loved to have him around. She had always wanted a little sibling, but due to all the tragedies that haunted us when it was possible, that didn’t happen, so this was like a dream come true.

We all take turns taking care of Rory and Gale. Helping them eat, stand, and constantly changing the snow on their backs. My mother worried about blood poisoning, but after the first two days without the clear sign of it, she let her worry go. Madge stuck to Gale’s side as if her life depended on it. It made a warm feeling in my chest appear. I would never in a million years have guessed that they could make a great couple, but they truly were. They complimented each other really well, and the both of them seemed to be really into making it work. They both looked happy, and that made me happy as well. At least  there was something good happening amongst all the chaos that was unraveling. 

“Hey” I said to Madge, as I put my hand on  her shoulder. She was asleep on the tool next to the table Gale was still sleeping in. 

My mother was keeping them mostly sedated, due to the fact that the injuries were too deep and she needed them as still as she could. They were only barely waking up when they needed to eat or go to the bathroom, which wasn’t that often. Madge had stuck to Gale’s side as if her life depended on it. I didn’t blame her, I knew the feeling. Hazelle was grateful for that, because that way, she could attend Rory. I wondered if they were truly that serious, if like my mother, Madge was willing to give up her comfortable life for Gale’s love. 

“Hey” she said, still barely awake. 

“Why don’t you go to sleep on my bed? You need to rest” I said, smiling a little. “I’ll let you know if something happens”

“Isn’t Peeta on it?” she joked, standing up. 

“As if I would tell you to go sleep cuddled with my boyfriend” I said, rolling my eyes. 

She laughed slightly and we both walked outside of the kitchen carefully. I took one of the blankets from the couch and gave it to her.

“Here, my bedroom is cold,” I said. 

She nodded and wrapped herself on it immediately. 

“It’s scary, is it not?”

“What is?” 

“To love someone so much” She sighed. 

I looked at one of the couches, in which Peeta was asleep, with baby Posy cuddled up in his arms. I looked at the next one, in which my parents were napping, hugging each other as if they were only one person. I looked back at the kitchen, imagining Prim next to Rory and how she had been glued to him and Hazelle. It was, it was scary, probably more than anything I had faced and would face ever. I remembered the pain I felt during Peeta’s momentary death at district 4 and only reaffirmed her words in my mind.

“It is,” I said, nodding. “but it’s kind of worth it”

She smiled and nodded. 

“It is,” she said back. “I don’t know how you mother survived your father’s accident”

“Barely” I mumbled, shaking my head. “She and my dad had each other at least, I think that’s what kept them a bit functional”

“I can only imagine,” Madge said and smiled sadly towards me. “My mom says it’s unbearable, losing someone so rooted on you”

“Oh?”

“She had a twin,” she explained. “Maysilee, I think she was called. My mom doesn’t talk much about her, hurts too much to remember”

“What happened?”

“The reaping”

After that she sighed, gave me a soft hug and went upstairs. I stood there, frozen by her words. I wondered how many people on twelve had felt the same, how many parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, had lost a child to the injustice of the hunger games, to the show the capitol put up to scare us. I got mad, and it scared me, because I could feel it building up, and I didn’t really know how much more I would be able to suppress it.

Peeta also stayed. He called his parents at the bakery and told them he wouldn’t be able to make it until the storm died down, so it was all like a big pajama party, especially since Posy seemed to be in love with him. I couldn’t help but constantly be transported back to the dream I had, knowing that in no way, shape or form, would it be my choice to have it done, but it warmed my heart either way 

The more time we all spent in the house, the more my mind had time to think about more than it could handle. I couldn’t stop thinking if maybe we had done the wrong thing, trying to pacify the districts, though to this day I wasn’t really sure if we had actually managed to do it. It made me mad, that we were all forced to live under fear, under starvation, under rules that didn’t make sense, and worst of all, under a world where the Hunger Games still existed. 

What more could we do? Even if I wanted to run against the world that was turning, who would actually support it? How would the districts unite against the capitol? We had no resources, no weapons, no energy, no soldiers. That was something that the capitol had made sure they had control over. The rebellion would never work, not if we didn’t have something to fight back, and that seemed life a very far from reality fever dream. 

“Do you think we did the right thing, Peeta?” I mumbled. 

It was probably around eight o'clock or so. The storm outside was slightly stopping, but the snow had taken power over all the streets and passages, so we were all bound to my house. At least all of us except for Gale’s mining team. My parents and hazelle were cooking dinner, and my sister and Madge were upstairs, with Gale and Rory. My mom had said that it was time for them to start moving around, so we put them to sleep in one of the spare rooms, given that the house had way more of them than needed. 

Peeta and I were cuddled up with Posy in front of the fireplace. She was asleep in his arms . The sight of them together delighted me in waysI wasn't able to explain, probably due to the fact that it made my longing for the children in my dream to ease down. It made me kind of hopeful, but just enough to remind me that this wasn't a future I would choose while the games were still a thing. 

“What do you mean, pretty?”

I smiled a little at his words. He had grown used to using pet names. I was having a harder time with them. My parents used them all the time, but to listen to them being directed to me felt different. It made me a little nervous, though I liked it. From Peeta, everything felt like a good little thing, like one more loveable detail. 

“The districts” I mumbled, staring emptily into the fire. 

“I think we did what we had to” he said and I could feel him looking at me. “and that we don’t have what it takes to make it different”

I knew what he meant, because I had thought the same, I had concluded the same. 

“We should just run into the woods, so fast, outpace the dawn ” I  mumbled, resting my head on his shoulder. “ I want us to run so fast we’d outpace the morning, be out of here before anyone can notice” 

Peeta laughed it off, and though I wanted to be mad at him for it, I knew that laugh. He was nervous. Of course he would be, if the whole damn house was bugged to know what we were saying, to control us, our ideas, our beliefs, and the way we acted. To make sure that we received the proper punishment in case we stepped out of line. 

“What?” he said, tickling me a little. “Is the idea of marrying me that bad?”

I rolled my eyes, and nudged him slightly on the shoulder. 

“Of course, I can’t stand sleeping with you, you snore like a bear”

“I don’t snore! You liar” he said, laughing. 

But even if Peeta had managed to avoid the topic I wanted to talk with him in a very smart way, it didn’t leave my mind. In fact, it did nothing but to grow wider and wider. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and my mind tried and tried to find hints or clues that would tell me about the spark that had ignited. The phone call with Annie came straight to mind, but it didn’t say much, it could be as much truth as it could be just one of Annie’s silly questions that were born from the deepest parts of her mental retrievals. 

I couldn’t try talking about it with Peeta, given that he seemed a bit scared to have such a conversation like that inside the house, and I couldn’t talk about it with Prim or my parents and risk putting them in danger, and the same went to Gale. That narrowed my options to only one person in the whole household. The problem was, I didn’t know how willing Haymitch would be to talk about it. 

“Haymitch?” I said, approaching him carefully. 

He was staring at the meadow through the kitchen window. He didn’t jump or act like my sudden presence was a surprise. Instead, he just turned around and smiled slightly, his arms crossed over his chest. I had never stared at Haymitch that much, not enough to analyze him anyway, I guess that was more like Peeta’s job or kind of thing, but here, it felt like he was actually someone who just was trying his best to stay alive, as all the rest of us, as every single person that lived in Panem. 

“What’s up, sweetheart?” 

I rolled my eyes and walked towards him. 

“I wanted to talk about something”

“Look at you, now you use your words and all. Spending time with the boy truly works wonders”

“Well, I can see spending time with my dad brought your sense of humor back” I said. 

He laughed and I did too. There was something comforting about teasing each other like we did. Ever since Prim had called him uncle Haymitch he had been feeling even more part of the family than he already was. I had noticed she liked him a lot, and constantly made excuses to have him at our house, but that was just Prim’s character, and I knew she loved the idea of having a bigger family, and that our father had regained his closest friend. 

“Shoot, what do you want to talk about?”

“We can’t keep going like this, Haymitch" I mumbled, pressing my lips together nervously. 

He frowned, I guess confused by my words. He left the teacup he had in his hands over the counter and looked at me. We hadn’t talked about this since the incident on district eleven, and then, my thoughts about this all were very different from what I was thinking now. Maybe it had been the whipping Gale and Rory had to endure, maybe it had been the way Madge had talked about her aunt or maybe it had been watching Peeta and Posy fall in love with each other. I couldn’t really point it out, but I was restless in a way I hadn’t been before. 

“Like what?” he said, looking at me in a way that told me that he didn’t want me to keep going. 

But I did. 

“The hunger games, the starvation, the torture, the punishments” I said, shaking my head. “I swear to god. If I wasn’t able to go to the woods I would be dead by now, and that just makes me think about the whole other dozens of people that don’t have that luxury, it’s so unfair Haymitch”

He frowned and crossed his arms over his chest. 

“Where do you want to get with all this, sweetheart?”

“Let’s start an uprising, Hay…” 

I couldn’t finish the sentence, because his hand was over my mouth. I frowned, surprised by his sudden action. I knew he wasn’t that excited to talk about something like this, but I didn’t expect he would literally shut me up in the middle of a sentence, it didn’t make sense at all. Why would he? I knew the house was bugged, but so what? There was nothing I was saying that Snow probably didn’t know. 

“Shut up” he mumbled through gritted teeth, and then did something that I didn’t understand right away. 

He took a little thing from his pocket and pushed a button on it. A red light turned on and with that, a very faint tinnitus came. I frowned. Since when Haymitch had that thing? and what exactly was it? It didn’t make sense at all, what was all that supposed to mean? I just wanted to be able to talk without having the pressure of endangering someone, to express what I wanted to say without someone trying to shut me up. 

“Are you crazy Katniss?” he hissed. 

“Maybe!” I said looking at him. “We can't keep living like this anymore Haymitch!” I mumbled.

“Even if you are right about it, you can’t just talk about it like that!” he shook his head as he talked.

“I don’t think we did the right thing by pacifying the districts” I said back. “I think we should’ve acted differently”

“The districts weren’t actually pacified, Katniss, not really” he said, sighing. 

I frowned even more than I was already doing. 

“Excuse me?”

“I talked with Finnick a few weeks ago, and the districts were peaceful just while you were there, after that it was chaos again” he mumbled, shaking his head. 

“So all this marriage thing, how does it fit?”

“As a distraction Katniss, this is Snow’s strategy to try and distract what’s really important, but for us, it’s not that easy”

I was taken aback, I didn’t expect that all our efforts had been worthless, but it didn’t bother me one bit, what bothered me about it was not actually knowing what was going on. It seemed like that call with Annie wasn’t a coincidence anymore. Has this been going on all this time?

“Because we don’t have what it takes to actually rebel against them?” I asked, defeated. 

“That’s exactly why” he said, and then he hugged me. “I promise you’re not alone in this, but until we can figure out a way to actually unite the districts, there’s not much we can do”

I hugged him back, sighing. I was frustrated of course. As of now, I only wanted to start going against every authority out there who had the nerve to agree with the capitol, who seemed content with the way district people were living, who accepted the games as an actual show, but in the end, I knew Haymitch was right. We didn’t have the resources to start and win a war, not yet.

“We have to figure out a way to make it work, Haymitch”

He sighed and ended the hug.

“We’ve been trying for decades Katniss” he mumbled, and took the teacup between his hands again. “Even during my Quell, we tried.”

“During your games?”

“Yes. I, look,” he said, and it felt as if he was trying to find the right words to tell me about it. “The revolution has been igniting for years. I tried to break my arena, and so have a lot of tributes after me, but it has never worked”

“Why?”

“Because the people need a symbol, they need to actually see the defiance to the capitol, and until now, all of our attempts have been covered, but yours, I think this time is different.”

“Mine couldn’t be hidden, we were the only ones left in the arena, and the tributes with the most rating”

He nodded and took a sip of his tea. 

“Exactly that” he mumbled and looked at the twinkling light of the little thing he had put out. “It’s gonna run out, so our conversation is over”

“For now”

“Yes, yes, for now. Whatever you want sweetheart.”

Chapter Text

“All you have is your fire and the place you need to reach, don’t you ever tame your demon, but always keep them on a leash"

March arrived, and with it did a very busy schedule, specially designated for Peeta and I to be constantly on camera for the Capitol. Photoshoots, interviews, videos, everything that you could’ve thought of, we already had made it. They interviewed our families, our friends, and with all that going on, my fierce determination for starting a revolution went to the background of my mind. Probably due to exhaustion or to the overwhelming urge to dodge the Capitol people that would constantly knock on my door. 

Peeta and I had kept talking about the toasting ceremony, but without an official date given by President Snow, it was hard to time out the logistics of it all. We had to time it out correctly for it to actually work. We knew we wouldn’t actually have to go to the Justice Building, given that the marriage would be registered by the capitol either way, but we did know that this, whether we liked it or not, was a secret that had to be well kept, so doing it before the capitol wedding put us a bit at risk, and not only us, but our families as well. 

I had fulfilled my promise of teaching him how to swim, though. The sacred place that once was just mine and my dad’s, had become a spot Peeta and I escaped to a couple of times, though it had been a bit hard to avoid the surveillance that the Peacekeepers were constantly keeping on us, it was overwhelming. To make things worse, the people President Snow had hired for the wedding planning were insistent to say the least, they really didn’t give us much time to be free from responsibilities.

“I can stand on my own, you know?” he said, as I held his hand just as if he was a little kid. 

I rolled my eyes and shook my hand. 

“I have no idea how to do rcp, so I’m not really risking it, Mellark. I can't stand you sometimes”

“Oh come on, you know that’s not true,” He said, smiling towards me. “You love me so much, you are marrying me twice and all”

I rolled my eyes as he left a tiny peck on my cheek that made me have to contain a grin from appearing on my face. 

“Don’t get so cocky, you” I said back, guiding us both deeper into the water.

We struggled a bit at first, mostly because of the obvious obstacle that his prosthetic meant, but we had managed, or at least enough for him to be a steady swimmer. It did take a lot of effort for him to swim with the leg on, but once he had the leg off it was as if nothing could stop him, It made me happy, to see him in such spirits, to know that even amongst all the chaos that we were going through, there were still sparks of happiness that we could look forward to. 

In addition to that, we had made tons of photoshoots already. The task that I had thought done of trying wedding dresses backfired on me, because I had to try every single one of them again for them to be registered on camera. It felt sick and twisted, but there was nothing I could say about it. To my understatement it was mostly to make a catalogue of discarded dresses from the girl on fire so people could buy them after the wedding. What a sick obsession they had on us. It scared me most of the time, to know that we both observed and followed, to know that each and every of our movements and words were also theirs. 

“Do you think we’ll ever be left alone?” I asked him as he helped me take off one of the opulent wedding dresses we were trying for that day photoshoots. 

I had grown used to the idea of being around him in my underwear. Mostly because of the amount of time we were spending with our prepping teams in the same room, and partly because we had already seen each other in our inner garments due to our visits to the lake. Besides, it was impossible for me to take one of those damn dresses on my own. He still didn’t know the one I had chosen, and I suspected Cinna had taken it away to prevent him from seeing it at all, knowing that it was important for Effie to keep it a surprise and all. 

“I truly don’t know,” he said, sighing “I hope they will, that this year’s Quarter Quell and victor will be enough for us to have at least a year of peace, that they can forget about us for a while”

“I want to feel like a normal girl so much” I mumbled. 

He finished unknotting the corset and the gown fell to the floor as if my body was covered in butter. I turned around to hug him and he didn’t doubt a second to hug me back. I was sure he knew what I was talking about. It was not that I didn’t like being by his side, or that I didn’t love him. It was just that it was all just too much for us to actually be able to process at the same time. 

“I know the feeling,” he mumbled and left a kiss on my hair. “But at least we have each other”

“Probably one of the only good things that the games gave me” I mumbled back, letting my forehead rest on his chest.

The problem was, the district got unrecognizable as time passed. The Hob was burnt down, the people were on curfew after dark, and the mines were shut down. The authorities had said that it was all because of the snow, but I knew better, I knew that was some excuse to keep the people from voting, from having resources. Our house had filled up with starving kids and ying adults, and the square had turned into a torture camp, people were being punished for things we didn’t even remember that were an offense tot he law. Hadn't we performed well? Why was there suddenly this huge authority placement over us? Why was there a sudden wave of violence directed towards innocent people?

The security was so strict on all of us that I had even given up my sacred time into the woods, spending most of my time at home or wandering around the victor’s village and the meadow with Prim and Peeta, who seemed to be much closer than ever. I loved that they were, that Prim saw an older brother in him, that my family had warmed up so well around his presence. Sometimes even Madge 

It was a few days after that. I headed to the woods really early that morning. It was probably the end of march at the earliest. We had just survived a week of trying tons of tiny appetizers and dishes which we had to choose for the wedding. Most of the time it amazed me how much of the decisions were benign left on our hands, but it made sense, it kept us busy, out of trouble and out of rebel planning stuff. I had no doubt Snow had listened to both of my attempts of having that conversation with Peeta and Haymtich.

I hadn’t caught anything, mostly because I didn’t want to. I had just escaped to the woods for a while to take a break from all that was happening, and either way, being surrounded by so many reminders of the capitol and the games was giving my mind flashbacks I really didn’t like. All that was making it hard to take my bow and arrow to kill something, because each time, it felt like killing someone. Still, there was food in my bag. My dad had insisted on it, saying that if I wanted to come on my own to the woods, I had to bring provisions to survive. I found it as an exaggeration, but I knew better than to go against one of his petitions. 

So I just sat on a rock, admiring the way the woods seemed to extend infinitely in directions I hadn’t gone to yet, how the barely rising sun washed over the green and made it almost glow like gold, and how it made me think this was probably the closest I would get to freedom. I didn’t want to give it much thought, but freedom was all that seemed to occupy my mind, the longing of being able to really choose the course that my life would take. Ever since winning the games, that had felt impossible. 

I stood up, ready to go further into the woods, to find the lake house and free my mind for a little while longer, aware that it was getting a little late to make the trip actually happen and be back on time at home. I knew that if I didn’t come home soon, my dad and Peeta would come looking for me, not because they didn’t know where I was, but because I didn’t usually arrive home after a certain hour. It was also Saturday, so there was no way for Gale to be the one to save my butt with an excuse for them this time.

I made my way, holding my weapon delicately in my hands, hoping nothing would actually make me shoot it towards something. As I got closer and closer to the house, I started to notice I was not alone. There was smoke in the sky indicating the presence of someone else. I felt my heart race at a speed that I had forgotten it could, and when I got just close enough to open the door of the shack that seemed to have someone inside, the sound of footsteps behind me made me turn around, probably faster than humanly possible.

I charged my bow, feeling the lump in my throat grow wider each second. I made eye contact with a woman, dressed head to toe on a Peacekeeper uniform that felt too big for her size. She had a gun in hand, and when she saw me it slipped from her hands. My bow didn’t falter though, I kept the arrow in its place, still deciding if I should be letting it fly.

“Stop!” she said, and then showed me something that I couldn’t have predicted even if I tried. 

She shows me a loaf of bread that for a moment seemed like it could be from anywhere, made of anything, but in the center, there’s something that's unmistakably mine. Like it’s been put there by a divine force, burnt into the outer bread crust, it’s a drawing of  a bird, and it’s not any bird. It’s my mockingjay . 

“What are you doing with that?” I bark, my arrow still on my hand. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means we are on your side” says a new voice, coming from behind me. 

My instincts told me that I should’ve just shot them both and ran back home as fast as I could, but for some reason, the curiosity that lied within me didn’t let me. I didn’t turn, half expecting to heat the click from a gun to be heard, but half expecting for what they were saying to be true. 

“On my side? What does that even mean?” I said again, frowning because of her words. What side were there to be on anyway? What was she talking about?

But the person behind me walks towards the front. She is limping. It was the first thing that crossed my mind as I heard her drag her feet. When she appeared on my sight I noticed she too was wearing a much bigger than her size Peacekeeper uniform. I had never seen these people before. Where did they come from? Why were they here?

I looked at them both and decided that they were not extravagant enough to be capitolites, but still, it didn’t make sense that they were here, out in the wilderness of district 12, a place only a few people that remained alive knew about. Still, knowing that they are both strangers and probably a threat to me, I lower my bow, curious as to what they have to say. 

“Who are you?”

“My name’s Twill, and she is Bonnie,” the girl who had the gun before said. “We ran away from district eight. 

“We stole the uniforms from a factory,” Bonnie said, and smiled a little towards me. 

They were from a foreign district, they might as well know if there was something actually happening, if what Haymitch said was true. 

“The bread, why does it have that bird?” I asked, and stared at them both, as I put my arrow back in its place and hung my bow across my body for a moment. I knew it was not the best to take care of the string, but I had no other option that would make me feel safe. 

“Don’t you know, Katniss?” Twill said.

I took a step backwards at the mention of my name. They knew who I was? But how? It seemed that Peeta’s words on my effect on people were more truthful than I had wanted to believe. It worried me, that people looked at me that much, it put a pressure on my shoulders for my performance to be better, though at this point, I couldn’t really tell what was actually a performance and what wasn’t. 

“She doesn't know,” Bonnie said at my reaction. “Maybe not about any of it. Maybe they were right, The mockingjay isn’t actually singing ” 

“Any? What is happening?” I inquired, scared that I might not like the answer that they were about to give me.

“There was an uprising in our district, Katniss,” Twill answered. “That’s why we had to get out, it wasn’t safe anymore”

“Well, you really are far from there now,” I mumble, frowning a little. “Where are you headed?”

“District Thirteen”

I looked at them as if they were joking with me. Thirteen wasn’t even a place anymore, going there would be like going on a search for ruins and radiation. To me, it made no sense that they were headed that way, that they had risked their life for something that wouldn’t help them at all. 

“That was burnt and exploded to the ground” I said. 

“Like seventy five years ago” Twill told me, laughing a little. 

Bonnie shifted the weight from her feet and winced a little at the sudden pressure. 

“What is wrong with your foot?”

I stared at them hesitantly for a few seconds before deciding what to do. My mind travels to the day in the woods where we saw the redhead girl and her partner get abducted by the capitol hovercraft. That day I felt helpless and guilty, and though Gale tried to reassure me constantly that, even if we had wanted to, we couldn’t have made a difference, I couldn’t help but think about how different things could’ve been if we tried to help. 

“I twisted my ankle. The boots are too big” Bonnie said. 

I sighed and looked behind them. Maybe this was my chance to actually be useful, to redeem my memory of how the girl had screamed, how I had encountered her in the woods and then how she had been my avox during our stay in the Capitol tribute center, and even more so, this was probably my only chance of getting real information as to what was happening without the place being entirely bugged.  

“Is anyone after you?”

“Highly unlikely, we faked being killed in a factory explosion" Twill explained. 

“Let’s go inside then” I said, making my way to the inside of the shack.

Inside it, Bonnie almost immediately finds a place to sit, near the fire that they already had turned on and that had produced the smoke that I recognized before. She held her hands close to it. It wasn’t that cold anymore, being March and at the end of the winter, but for someone who wasn't used to the woods, the slight breezes full of snowy threats probably played a trick on their body temperature. She is so small and thin I could almost see the light passing through her as she approached the fire. 

Twill put the cloak over Bonnie’s shoulders.  That’s when I notice the tin gallon they have over the fire. It’s cut in half and filled with water and pine needles. I frowned a little, remembering a time where chewing mint leaves and drinking its tea was all that we had available to dine or to eat for days in a row. My stomach growls, but I don’t know how good it will make my mind to eat something. 

“Are you making tea?” I asked. 

“Trying to. We remember someone doing some kind of brewing with pine needles in the games a few years ago, at least I think that’s what they were” Twill explained. 

“Are you out of food?” I asked again. 

Suddenly my mind remembers the amount of food that I have in my bag, the same one my dad had asked me so fervently to pack and have on me if I was to come here. I had thought I would eventually just bring it back home, but now it seemed like the perfect thing to have on me. 

“Sort of, we took what we could, but food’s been scarce even at home”

“Well, you’re lucky then” I said, smiling a little while putting my game bag on the floor. 

The pastries, the meat, the bread, and the tea leaves that my mother had packed were still intact, waiting for me to eat them, though this time it wouldn’t be me, but the two girls before me who were in far more need for them than I was. I had already intended to gift them around, but then again, this served a similar purpose than what I had in mind. 

“Serve yourselves” I said, giving them all the stuff inside it. 

“All of it?” Bonnie asked, astonished. 

I nodded, watching them carefully as they stare amazed at the amount of food I am giving them. I wonder if they had even seen this much food at the same time for so few people, if like twelve, district eight was as starved and as weak. It probably was, maybe not as much, but no district in Panem, apart from maybe one and two, could be really having much resources.

“Your tea is ready” I announced and Twill made her way to serve it for the both of them in two tiny metal cups she took from her bag.  

They both ate in silence for a few minutes before I decided it had been enough time for me to ask them about what was happening, about the state of the other district, about the information that was apparently benign withheld from everyone in the rest of the country. Bonnie was probably close to my age, if not younger, but they still had the courage to walk away from the district to something that was a total uncertainty. Still, I feel like giving them time to eat is the right thing, my mind flashes back to my first time having a full plate, knowing I wanted nothing but to end the sense of chronic hunger that my stomach had grown used to. 

“So what’s your story?”

I asked, and they told me everything. It all started since our winning in the Hunger Games. The discontent of District 8 had always been there, though I suspected it had always been there for all of the districts that weren’t one and two, and even then, I wasn’t really sure that they were entirely content with how the system worked. Apparently, and this was something I had completely missed because watching the news was something I dreaded, there had been shortages all over the country, fish, tactile, technology, grains, and it was because the districts were actually fighting back, and were refusing to meet the quotas. 

The uniforms had been Bonnie’s doing. She wasn’t the one supposed to escape with Twill, it was actually Twill’s husband, but he had died during one of the uprisings. Bonnie had spent weeks and weeks stealing the uniforms from the fabric she worked in, from parts out of time. It surprised me mostly because of the huge risk that signified, but then again, it made sense that they were risking it, that they were so sure this would work, it was their last hope, and hope can move a human being’s will very far. It was crucial to spread the word far from eight if things were to work out, if the rebellion was to truly ignite and spread like wildfire. 

The day Peeta and I had been there on our victory tour had been their rehearsal for the positions they would take, how the people would group, how they would eventually attack. Which Peacekeepers stood where, and which ones were the ones with the most range for fighting back. Then the night Peeta had been in the capitol on his own, and President Snow had congratulated us on the engagement on national television, they had done it. It was a mandatory viewing, so they took that to their advantage and unfolded the carefully curated plan. 

It had worked at first, all the Peacekeepers taken by surprise, all the centers of power and communication taken by the rebels. The authorities were overwhelmed and could do nothing but to try and survive. Then it all went south. Two days later, thousands of Peacekeepers and bombers had arrived in the district, and against all their best efforts, the rebellion was subdued in a matter of less than two days. They had been put on lockdown for a week, no food, no coal, and no one could leave their houses. The only time the television turned on, was to show the hanging of the people who had been identified as participants in the act. After a week, they were all forced to return to their usual work schedules and quotas. 

When Twill and Bonnie were making their way to their shifts, a bomb exploded, locking the streets they usually crossed to get to their destiny, and after that, another one dropped in one of the factories. Killing both Twill’s husband and Bonnie’s entire family. After that, they went back to Twill’s, took the uniforms and what little provisions they had and, taking advantage of the distraction that the explosion made, they boarded a train that was supposed to go to District 6 and got off it when a fuel stop was made. They entered the woods almost immediately and followed the tracks for guidance, but were trapped at District twelve because of Bonnie’s ankle injury. 

“I get why you are running, but District 13?” I asked, clearly confused. “What is even supposed to be there?” 

“We notice they always use the same clip at the reapings each year” Twill explains, holding the bread. “A mockingjay flies every time by the upper left corner”

“So?” I frowned. 

“If they keep using the same footage, it’s because they can’t actually show what’s there” Bonnie explained. 

“Isn’t that too unreliable to venture into the woods to get to district 13?” I asked again, clearly concerned by their impulsive acting. 

“We think they could’ve moved underground. They were graphite miners, but their population was way too large” Twill explained, picking into a piece of meat. 

My heart pounded a lot faster than I thought I could handle. I couldn’t really understand what I was feeling. I didn’t know if I was mad, if I was scared, if I was happy. The possibility of District 13 being alive made me wonder about so much stuff. Had they been alive and well all of these years? Why hadn’t they helped before? Were they truly the right people to align with?

“But if they exist that would be terrible!” I snapped, surprising even me. “That would mean they left us on our own for what? seventy five years!”

“We really don’t know” Bonnie mumbled “We’re just hoping they do exist”

I sighed and shook my head. There are things I have to control, and my anger snaps are one of them, even if all I have is my fire and I can’t tame my demons to keep enduring all the stuff Peeta and I are going through, I do have to control them, to keep them on a leash, because otherwise, they will cause me serious problems, especially with authority. 

Her statement also snapped me back into reality . They hadn’t done anything to help us because they didn’t actually exist, because it was nothing more than a myth and a dream that Twill and Bonnie had to cling to to make their escape worth it. Mockingjays are as rare as trees in twelve, and they survived the initial war, they probably just fly by very often there because of the lack of human presence. There’s nothing I could do to take that hope away from them both, so I just tried to give them as much as I could so they could at least survive out in the wild. 

I explained to them the basics of hunting, they told me they have a gun and a machine that helps them create energy from the sun, and that could also be used as a weapon, so that grants them a very fried up squirrel on their first tries. I showed them how to clean them and skin them. I gave them my gloves and the extra pair of socks in my bag. Finally, and it being the last thing I could help them with, I taught them all the different ways I knew of how to start a fire. 

I noticed the sun had gone up enough for me to be on my deadline of returning before my family started to worry, so I let them both now and they thanked me numerous times and then embraced me. It was a bit awkward at first, but I returned the hug and told them again that it was time for me to go. 

“I can’t believe we got to meet you” Bonnie said as she wiped a few tears from her cheeks. “You’re everything people’s talked about since-”

“Since the berries” I completed and shook my head. 

I said goodbye again and started to make my way back to the fence. My mind was racing as fast as ever. My suspicions had been true all along. There was no way my romance with Peeta would ever pacify the districts, because it was not our fault it was happening, all the rehearsed speeches, all the planned interactions, all our moments together that had been made public for the sake of protecting something that wasn’t even there, it had been all just a distraction to keep me occupied from what was really important. 

Snow knew that us marrying would mean nothing. That this was all just some show he was putting on to keep the people from knowing that each and one of the districts was facing the same, was quietly unraveling a fire that he would never be able to control. The real question was, how would I be able to make sure that fire would actually fuel enough to burn down the capitol? How could we turn this fire into a whole rebellion? Haymitch had said that the spark was always there, that there had always been attempts to start it, but this was different. The uprising on eight would’ve happened with or without us winning, that wasn’t really the point of it all. 

As I was nearing the fence, I put my weapons back where they belong, still with my  head filled with questions no one could answer. I saw a mockingjay singing a sweet melody from the branch of  a tree and I smiled a little, but then my mind traveled to the bread again. A mockingjay. They were on my side? What had they even meant by that? On my side for a revolution? On my side to overthrow the capitol? I needed to talk about it with Peeta and Haymitch as soon as possible.

I was crouching down to go over the fence when the screech of an owl brought me back to my senses. It was only then when I noticed, that even looking as it usually did, the buzz of the chain that forms the fence was unmistakable. Like if it was a nest of tracker jakers, the electricity ran through it, making me jerk back my hand. The fence was on, and I was on the total wrong side of it.

Chapter Text

“My life was a storm since I was born, how could I fear any hurricane? If someone asked me at the end I'll tell them put me back in it, I would do it again”

The buzz of the fence made my head spin with panic. My mind was studying all the possibilities I had to solve the situation, but none of it was working, especially not with my breath starting to fail and my heart starting to beat as fast as it did when my senses betrayed me. I took a few steps back from the fence, just enough to make sure I couldn’t be spotted from afar. 

The sun was starting to go down, and that only made my worry even bigger. This was not the first time the fence had turned on while I was in the woods, in fact, it had happened several times before, the difference was that Gale had been by my side those times, and waiting for the fence to be off was far easier when one had the reassurance of not being alone, of being safe. Now? I felt as exposed and as threatened as I had felt in the arena. 

What was I supposed to do? Calm down. I told myself as I started to think about something that would help me. I would not be able to dig the ground to crawl under the fence, the dirt was covered in already hardened snow, and that would make it impossible, if I couldn’t go under it, the only choice was to go over it. So that’s what I tried to focus myself into, though my vision was getting blurry and my hands were getting shaky. 

This had to be a stunt pulled by Thread, to catch me doing something illegal and to finally have an excuse to arrest me, not that I hadn’t done something illegal in the past, though I supposed he needed certain proof to actually punish me for it.  Time was still passing, and the more it did, the more dangerous it got for me to be late. 

I encountered a viable maple tree that could help me pull my plan about a mile away from my usual spot at the fence, but I had to climb the tree next to it to be actually able to get to the branch that would let me come home. When I did get to it, I noticed why it was always a better idea to crawl under. The fall from under the branch that I was about to take had to be around twenty five feet. My stomach tingled, and my breath started to go even faster. I had no other option, I had to do it if I wasn’t to be caught outside of the fence, committing a crime. 

I hugged the branch to lay on it, and carefully hung from it with my hands. I had to close my eyes to keep my heart from erupting out of my chest from fear. I had to do it, I had to come home, I would not let them get the satisfaction of catching me, of knowing I had once again defied the capitol’s authority, not with the information I had just gotten. So I let go. 

For a moment the fall felt infinite, as if I would never be able to hit the ground, but then the air got stripped out from my lungs and I knew I had made it out of the woods and into the district. I stayed still for a few minutes, waiting for the adrenaline to go down, for the pain to kick in, and oh it did. 

The first thing I was aware of was my tailbone, that was yelling from inside, burning from pain even, and then it was my left ankle. It had to be my ankle, for a moment the thought of everyone around me having a curse over our left limbs crossed my mind, but I brushed it off. I couldn’t have any more panicking thoughts if I wanted to make it back to my home. 

I stood up, and my weight over the ankle felt even more crushing. I had definitely broken it, there was no way this pain could be from a mere injury. I hoped my mom would be able to fix it and tell me that my suspicions about it were right. I then started to walk towards home, thinking about an excuse I would give them all for my late arrival. My game bag was totally empty, so hunting was out of the question. 

I limped towards town, thinking that saying I spent the day buying a few things we were short on was enough for it to be believable. My first stop was the apothecary where my grandfather worked.  Very few to none shops would be open at the time,  if they still could be a decent alibi for my time out. I doubted my grandfather could recognize me, so I barely said anything more outside of the bandages that I was there to buy. I knew my mother was low on them, so it was a great idea to stock them up either way. 

Then I made my way towards the candy shop. I had a few golden coins in my pocket, so that would have to be enough to spend it around in the shops and get a bag full of things that were considered legal by the laws of Panem Thread seemed to be so fixated in getting really fulfilled. There I chatted ever so slightly with the owner and bought a couple of sweets, mints, candy canes and a few bars of chocolate so we could share them together after dinner. I spend the slightest time in Otho’s Bakery, just to buy Prim’s favorite cookie. He asked about Peeta and I told him honestly that I haven’t seen him all day. That finished our conversation and kept my pace steady toward my house. 

My head was still racing. They for sure knew I was out in the woods, but they couldn’t know what had happened with Bonnie and Twill, that would for sure have to wait until I could get a private conversation with Haymitch and Peeta. Telling the afternoon’s events to my family would only put them in far more danger than they already were, and I was not about to have that happening if it was in my power. 

The walk towards my house was harder than I thought it would be. The pain that filled me with each step I took was excruciating, though not knowing if it was coming from my tailbone or my foot was helping my mind concentrate on something else. I watched the sky, the streets and studied every single tree I managed to see on my way to the victors village, reminding myself that I was closer with each one, that I would be okay just in a few more minutes. 

The snow made my path harder and longer, but at last there I was, again at home, with my family and maybe Peeta waiting for me. I felt like taking off my boots and launching onto the sofa at that exact moment. But just as I was preparing myself to try and free my foot from the pressure of the boot, two unknown presences caught my eye, and made me go still, trying to pretend my foot was as good as new. 

The man seemed surprised to see me appear through the front door. The woman stares at me, and I could almost swear she stared at me with hate invading her eyes. I didn’t care enough to figure out why.

“Hello” I said as neutral as my voice allowed me to be.

Prim appeared behind them, smiling towards me. I knew her though, and her smile was as fake as mine had been for the capitols cameras during the past few months. 

“There she is!,” she said excitedly. “Just in time for dinner.” she added way too brightly for it to be believable for those who know her. 

In fact, I am as late for dinner as one can be. 

I stared at my boots for a few seconds and decided to take off my hood, shaking the snowflakes stuck on my hair off as well. I would not be able to get rid of the boots in front of them without revealing my injuries, so I would have to put on with my mother’s lecture of me staining the floors with water marks. 

“Can I help you with something?” I asked the Peacekeepers in front of me. 

“The Head Peacekeeper Thread has a message for you,” the woman said. 

My mother appeared beside Prim and looked at me between concerned and relieved. 

“They’ve been waiting for hours on end,” she said. 

Probably waiting for me to fail to return, I think. I just nod towards her and smile a little. They for sure know the fence is on by now, that’s why they are so surprised that I am actually coming back home. 

“It must be important for me to receive the message then,” I said.

“Where were you, Miss Everdeen?” 

The question stumped me a little. I couldn’t figure out if it was for the demanding tone of the woman before me, or because of Miss Everdeen accompanying her interrogation. Either way, I didn’t take long to answer, knowing that it would make me look suspicious before their eyes. 

“I think it may be easier to ask where I haven't been today,” I answered, rolling my eyes at her. 

I took my game bag again and walked into the kitchen using both my feet normally. Each step felt like walking over a path of needles but I couldn’t afford them knowing what was going on with my foot, that would only raise their suspicions. I went through them, as if it was nothing. As soon as I made it to the table I let the game bag rest on them. I also caught sight of my dad and Peeta playing chess with Haymtich watching over them as if it was the most interesting thing in the world to do, the three of them sitting down on the wood rockers uncle Tam Amber did. Whether they were asked to be here or came here on their own didn’t matter to me, I was glad to see they both were safe. 

Haymitch looked up as he saw me appear, and I could swear I almost saw his lips twitch a relieved smile. 

“So where haven’t you been?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Well I surely haven’t been talking to Goat Man about having Lady pregnant, because someone gave me the wrong directions as to where he lives” I turned to look at my dad in an accusatory way. 

“No I didn't,” he said. “I told you exactly”

“You said he lives beside the west entrance of the mines” I replied, faking exasperation. 

“The east entrance” he corrected me. 

“You distinctly said the west, because I asked you if it was next to the slag heap and you said yes” 

“The slag heap on the east songbird” he said, mailing patiently. 

“No, you didn’t say that” 

“He did, last night” Haymitch chimed in. 

“It was definitely the east,” Peeta added, smiling as he won the chess play. Him and Haymitch looked at my dad and then started laughing. I glared at them, letting out a humorless laugh their way. “I’m sorry, pretty, but it’s what I’ve been saying. You don’t listen when people talk to you. 

“I can bet people told you he doesn’t live there today and you went anyway” Haymtich joked, looking at me as if he is always right. 

“Oh shut up, Haymitch”

They laughed even more. My mom smiled and rolled her eyes at the sight of them three as she also left a kiss on Prim's head. They both must be relieved I am back alive and well, not so well, but alive at least. I realized then how good Haymtich and Peeta actually were at improvising, how little they needed to make a lie work their way, and how easy they could make people believe what they’re saying. 

I turned back at the Peacekeepers and though the man was smiling, the woman kept the hatred in her eyes directed towards me. “What’s in the bag?” she asked. 

I knew she was hoping for wild plants, or maybe a dead prey, something that would unequivocally give me away as someone who had been outside of the district’s ground, but she wouldn’t find it. I dumped the contents on the table and pointed at it, unbothered by her request. 

“See for yourself” I told her, squinting my eyes. 

“Oh that’s great. You went to my father’s? We were running low on bandages and chamomile” my mother said, smiling at the sight of the products. 

Peeta came towards the table and opened the paper bag where the candy had been put on. He smiled excitedly at the sight of the red and white treasure. 

“Ooh, peppermints!” he exclaimed, taking one for himself and popping in his mouth. 

“Those are mine!” I said, trying to move towards him to snatch the bag from his hands, but he was faster and tossed it to my father and Haymtich before I could. They both took a ton of them and then passed it to a giggling Prim. “None of you deserve candy!” 

Peeta smiled cockily and put his arms around my waist to start a hug. 

“What, because we were right?” he said, and pulled me towards him softly, though not softly enough for my tailbone not to yell at me from the pain. I winced slightly to get away and try to pass it as indignation, but I could see it in his eyes, he knew there was something wrong. “Okay, your dad said west, I distinctly heard west. And we’re all idiots. How’s that sound?”

I rolled my eyes, trying to contain the laugh that formed in my throat, and accepted the peck he left on my lips, naturally, as it had become in our routines, as he had managed to make his physical affection and romanticism normal for me.

“Way better” I answered. I then turned to the Peacekeepers, remembering they were actually in my home. “So, what is this important message you have for me?”

The woman frowned, frustrated by the scene. 

“From commander Thread,” she started. “ He wanted you to know the fence surrounding the district will now have electricity twenty four hours a day, every single day”

“Oh that’s great” I told her, smiling a little towards her. “I’m sure we’ll all feel much safer that way”

“You might want to pass that information to your cousin,” she said, sharply. 

“I will, the Hawthornes will be pleased to know it as well” I answered. “That 's all?”

She nodded and her jaw clenched. She gave us all one final look before heading towards the door. We all stayed still in our places until we were able to hear the front door slamming close, and even then, we waited one whole minute to make sure they were really gone. Peeta broke the silence, looking at me with concern overflowing his gaze. 

“What happened?” he said, applying a bit more of strength to his embrace to hold me in his arms

“Fell off a tree coming back from the woods.” I explained. Holding on to him as well. 

“You really have the survival instincts of a potato, sweetheart,” Haymitch said, winning the race against my mom to retrieve the willow root for a tea.

“Well, I didn’t expect him to be spying on my every move, thank you” I said, inhaling deeper. 

My dad approached us both, and Peeta let go of me for a second so they could hold one side of me each. 

“What did you injure?” my mom asked, pointing the couch to both of them. 

“My tail bone is surely injured, and I’m almost certain that my left ankle is very much crushed.” I explained, pressing my lips together. 

My dad laughed as if that was amusing to him. 

“Seems like we all have a curse over that damn left foot” 

Peeta laughed, and even though a part of me wanted to laugh as well, the pain was way too overbearing to take the joke. I was sitting down on the couch by orders of my mom before I could really notice. Peeta sat by my side and held my hand. A lot of thoughts were running through my mind at the moment. Were they controlling me enough to know every step I took? It scared me to think that I couldn’t even have conversations without them being spied on. 

My mother walked in with a tray in her hands and looked at me between worried and tired. I couldn’t quite figure it out, and to be honest, the pain I felt wasn’t helping me concentrate on my thoughts, so I tried to ignore it. The tray had bandages, willow tea and sleeping syrup. I could guess it also had honey and other stuff that I didn’t care much about. 

I knew what was coming, my mother had to put the bone back in its place for it to heal properly, and she also had to check how bad of an injury my tailbone had suffered. I didn’t want her doing any of it, but I had no choice on it whatsoever, she would never let me go around being injured and unattended, not when she had the capability to fix it. 

“You really got a bad one there, sweetheart” Haymitch said, crossing his arms over his chest as he stared at my foot. 

“Thanks Haymitch, I hadn’t noticed” I grumbled back, scowling at him. 

My mother shook her head and started to put all of the stuff on the coffee table before us, preparing her work field. My father stood up and helped her, he also brought a tiny stool in where he carefully placed my foot. Of course, it would be way easier for my mom to have a steady surface to do her job instead of having my ankle hanging out in the air. As soon as she handed Peeta the bandages I knew what was coming. Her eyes were sorrowful towards me, and I just nodded, accepting the fact that I would have to suffer temporary pain if I was to recover from the broken foot.   

“You know the drill, songbird” my dad said, as he held my foot in place. “Bite down hard”

Peeta hugged me and closed his eyes, all while I was biting down the bundle of bandages they had handed me. My mother counted, and I closed my eyes as hard as I could while my jaw was as clenched as it had ever been. For an instant, the pain on my ankle felt like the worst pain I had ever felt. I screamed, though it was silenced, and felt tears sliding down my cheeks. My mother worked as fast as she could, but there was no way it would be totally painless. She wrapped my foot in an almost magical way, and I just stared with my very shaky breath, trying to concentrate on anything else that could distract me from the pain I was feeling. 

“You did great,” Prim said. 

She had a teacup in her hands and a warm smile was sent towards me, it smelled like willow roots and something sweet, almost intoxicating. Sleeping syrup. I sighed as she handed me the cup, hesitant to drink from it. I didn’t like it, I didn’t want to, but if both her and my mom were handing me the tea, it was for the best. 

“Don’t drink it just yet, it works fast,” My mother said, standing up. “I need to check your tailbone first. Peeta dear, can you help her turn around?” she said, looking at him.  

Peeta nodded, and looked at me as if he was asking for permission, he looked startled, but I knew better than to ask him right away, than to press information out of him that he was not ready to share. He did as my mom asked, and she checked the place carefully. I tried to breathe as deep as I could, but the pain was blinding as well. Peeta sat down on the floor to be next to my face. He was playing with my hair softly, as if he could shatter me in a million pieces with a false movement. I could only hope he was not blaming himself this time around. I could only wish that this would not send us into the spiral we had escaped a few weeks ago.

“It’s just bruised, you will be alright.” 

Peeta helped me to sit back on the couch, and Prim gave me the sleeping potion again. I sighed and started drinking it. We were all silent, as if putting a single word in the air around us would condemn us for a criminal offense that we couldn’t be safe from. I felt uneasy. I knew things were inevitably bad since Gale and Rory were whipped, but something about the fence being on, about the wedding being rushed, about the control that was slowly leaving us without room to breathe, made it feel ten times worse. 

“She’s already getting sleepy, please take her upstairs” I heard my mom’s voice, but it felt far away. I guess she was right about the syrup being fast. 

I felt someone taking me up in their arms, and I could only guess it was Peeta due to the strong cinnamon scent that seemed to be everywhere he went. He was silent all the way up, and my tongue felt heavy on my mouth due to the effects of the medicines. Peeta laid me down in my bed and just as he made an attempt to walk away, I held his hand and pressed it to my cheek. 

For a moment I was transported back to the cold nights in the arena, to the moment I had to leave Peeta on his own to get the medicine, to the black out I had after Clove managed to hurt me more than I could’ve accounted for. I felt kind of dizzy, and my mind was already starting to trick me into thinking I wasn't actually home. I felt the sweet flavor of the sleeping syrup on my tongue with the small tickling that meant it was already doing it’s work in my muscles. 

“Stay with me” I mumbled. 

“Always.”

I felt as he snuggled up beside me, and as he pulled me into his arms carefully. He remained silent, but for me, his presence was enough. There was a comfort in him that no one else could bring me, there was an understatement between us that no one else shared, and even though I despised the games, the capitol, and all the suffering we had gone through throughout our lives, I was grateful to have him with me. 

I wondered if the cameras were focusing us, if we were actually in the arena, if my parents were thinking something about it. I wasn’t that sure of where I was, a part of me told me that I was actually at the arena, while the other one was sure I was back at twelve. It didn’t matter much, I wasn’t alone, I had Peeta with me, and that gave me enough calm to sleep profoundly without worrying for my surroundings. He was enough, he would always be. 

Every day I thanked that he was the one by my side, that he was the one I relied on to keep our families safe from Snow, and in my instants before sleep, I almost thanked all the suffering we had endured, just because, at the end of the day, they had given me him. My life was a storm since I was born, how could I fear any hurricane? If someone asked me at the end I'll tell them put me back in it, I would do it again if that meant Peeta would be the one I loved and shared my best and worst with.

Falling asleep with the syrup was a bit of a problem though, because I found myself trapped inside an inescapable world of looping nightmares of all kinds. 

“Momma!” 

The voice of a little girl pierced my ears. 

The place was dark, it felt like a jungle of some sort. The air smelled like salt and rust, and felt like I was breathing water near boiling point. I tried to scream back but my voice was gone. I felt like I knew my way around, but my feet felt heavy, as if I was tied down to the ground in some weird way. 

“Mommy! Help” a boy screamed. 

I felt my chest tightening even more, my breath shook. My kids, these were my kids, screaming for me, but why? Where were we? Where was I? Then something exploded behind me and an army of giant ants combined with wasps with fangs as big as my arms started running towards me. I didn’t think much about it, I tried to run, and for once, it actually worked. 

“Dad!” a third voice screamed “Mom! Help me please!”

“Katniss run for Willow!” Peeta yelled back far from me. “I got Rye and Summer!”

I almost stopped running as soon as I heard Peeta’s voice, but the cry of one of the girls made me move faster. A canon went loose, and that was the moment when it all clicked in my head, we were into an arena. My heartbeat accelerated at least thrice the rhythm it already had. Was I in an arena with both Peeta and my kids? Why were we all in an arena? it made no sense. 

“Mom! They are going to get me!” Her cry guided me towards where she was, and all I could think of was a prayer for me to arrive in time to her, for the mutts not to eat her alive.

Maybe that was my mistake, focusing too much on her voice and not paying enough attention to my surroundings, to the mutts that were not only chasing my kids and Peeta, but me. I tried to run faster, but it was of no use, they were bigger than me and they were certainly closer with every move they made. 

“Willow, run to dad!” I screamed as soon as I saw her, but it was too late. 

As the ants reached me, they also reached her. It was a fraction of a second, she turned her back to me to start running and then, as one of the fangs pierced my chest, it also pierced her, leaving me half dead, bleeding out, and with the image of my daughter dead in the ground being found by Peeta, who had both the twins in his arms.

It felt like a twisted joke was being played on me, because I didn’t die, I saw all his breakdown, I saw him sobbing and screaming at the sight of the both of us, and during all that period of time, I just bleed out, I couldn’t move, couldn’t talk, couldn’t feel. 

“Katniss please!” he yelled, as he recognized me. “Please wake up” 

The mutts weren’t around anymore, and as I blinked, he was kneeling by my side. I tried to move my head, but I would’ve preferred if I didn’t, because the sight that I found was the twins also dead by his side. 

“Katniss please” he mumbles, his face covered in tears. 

Then one last mutt appeared and he was pierced through the chest as well. 

“Peeta!” I screamed as I sat down. My surroundings became dark again, and my legs were trapped by something I couldn’t recognize. 

A pair of arms hugged me as I cried uncontrollably. 

“It’s okay Kat, it was just a nightmare” he mumbled, stroking my hair. 

But was it really?

Chapter Text

"No masters or kings when the ritual begins, there's no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin"

Time felt like it stood still for the few weeks after the incident. Peeta stayed mostly at my house, and we resumed our task of the herbal book that we had started a few months ago, so it kept us both busy while my foot tried its best to be well again. The calls from Cinna, Portia and Effie didn’t stop though, and neither did the wedding, for we had already received a definite date for.  

June 8th was the chosen date for the happy day, which at least gave us a tiny window to get married beforehand. We weren’t sure what to do in regards to that, and as April started to make its way to us, so did the conversations about it. We didn’t really want to put our families in more danger than we already had, and we were not really sure if it would be a problem to the rest of the country and the uprisings to get married beforehand. Would it be perceived as rebellious? As an act of defiance? We had to take all that into consideration if we really did want the toasting happening. 

“Do you really think it is the right thing to do?” Peeta mumbled. 

It was probably around two am, we couldn’t sleep at all and were cuddled up in my bed. My parents were used to the idea of us sleeping together already, which was great for me, though the rule was that we had to leave the door open at all times. I didn’t mind at all, I was just glad both Peeta and I could look forward to a night of sleep every now and then. 

“I think it is our best shot to keep something about this all for ourselves, Peeta” I said, letting my cheek rest on his chest. 

He nodded as he kept caressing my hair softly. I didn’t want to think about it that much, having to walk down an aisle with people that I didn’t even know, with guests that were more of a political and formal guest rather than people who actually knew us. Were they paying to attend the event? Or were they hand picked by Snow? The more I thought about it, the more it disgusted me. 

“At least we are together in this” He said, sighing a bit.

“We are,” I answered back. 

The dreading I felt for the quarter quell was getting bigger and bigger. The fact that I would have to guide two people to their deaths haunted me more than I wanted to actually admit. I couldn’t bear to think that these kids would probably be around my age, maybe a bit older, maybe a bit younger, but kids nonetheless, kids that I would obviously know. It felt bizarre to think that this was every victor's life. Every and each one of us had been a murderer kid that had to coach more kids to their deaths. 

My foot was back in business six weeks after the accident, which left us really near the wedding, and we were barely handling it, it was straining us much harder than we thought. Even if Effie was taking most of the preparations on her own, due to mine and Peeta’s begging, the truth was, we still had to make tons of personal decisions about it. The guest list was being a little bit harder than we thought, especially because it meant taking our loved ones and friends to the capitol, and in no world did that seem or felt like a great idea. Either way, we had each other, and there was a relief in knowing that we could trust us with any decision we had to make. 

May was peaking on us as if it was a hawk watching its prey, and with that, it also meant that the window of time in which the quarter quell would be announced was getting way more narrow, that terrified me. Haymitch had been trying to talk about it to the both of us, but it was harder for him than expected. Mostly because, watching two children die a year for twenty three years was way harder than most people could actually understand. Then there was the fact that there were usually only two mentors per district, but there was no way Peeta and I could manage on our own in our first year, and then again, the sensational couple that we had become to the capitol made it impossible for just one of us to go away with Haymitch. 

“There’s mandatory viewing today” I heard Peeta’s voice as he walked through my house’s front door. 

He walked in with a bag over his shoulder, probably because the shift at the bakery was just finishing up for him, and was bringing pastries and bread over. He made sure there was always fresh bread in the house, even when he knew I ended up gifting it to the Hawthorne’s half of the time. We couldn’t eat it all, and watching the kids grow up and put on some weight made us all really happy. 

He was right, I had seen the announcement around midday. I couldn’t go to the woods at all, so I tended to just go around town and buy stuff from people, especially seam people who had kept up their businesses. It was my way of apologizing, because even if it wasn't really my fault that the Hob had been burnt down it constantly felt like it.

“I saw it on the television a few hours ago,” I said, standing up from the couch. He hugged me tightly as soon as he was close enough to, but something felt different. “What happened?”
“Nothing, I just have a very bad feeling about this” he mumbled, leaving a tiny kiss on my forehead. 

I sighed and nodded, because for some reason I did too. I had been dreaming about the soon to be games non-stop, and in all of them, for some reason, Prim was the girl tribute. Deep down I knew that couldn’t be, a smooch as we had become a sensation in the capitol, so had our families, especially Prim. She was way too sweet and kind for them not to love her right away, ever since the final eight interviews. 

“I know just what you mean,” I mumbled back. 

My parents were out that day. My mom was doing rounds around the seam as a healer, and my father was helping our uncles with some house problems they were getting because of the change in weather. It was of no surprise to me, the houses on the seam could barely be called houses, and the materials that were used to make them weren’t that great, but then again, the capitol would never spend money on the poorest part of the poorest district of the country. 

Just as I was about to break off the hug, the television started reproducing Panem’s anthem. It seemed like the mandatory viewing would be way sooner than we had expected it to be. A chill ran down my spine, because other than our wedding preparations and the games, there was no other thing that could be announced, which meant, the dreadful moment I was trying to escape, had arrived. 

“I guess that means we have to watch it,” Peeta mumbled, walking by my side towards the living room. 

But I didn't really want to, I wanted to run the other way, I wished the fence disappeared so we could run into the woods and avoid being mentors at all. We sat together on the couch as we watched the presence of President Snow appear. We stayed in silence, as if that would somehow save us, or maybe because neither of us had something to say. How could we? How could we have something to say about a recurrent nightmare that would happen no matter what? We couldn’t. 

He walked towards a podium that made him seem powerful and imponent. I hated that, that he had enough power to look like that in front of the crowds, I hated him so much. He smiled and gave a speech about unity and the way Panem only worked because it was a whole, a nation that rose and functioned along solely because of the codependency among districts and the capitol, that the country answered to the necessities of all among themselves. It felt hypocritical, knowing that the only needs that were actually getting met were the ones from the capitol, and maybe districts one and two. 

“Ironic, him talking about team work” Peeta mumbled. 

I could see the tension on his jaw, as it tightened more and more. I wanted to do something to comfort him, but the void growing in my stomach didn’t actually allow me to. I felt way too awful as well for me to try and soothe him out of this moment, nothing could either way, we were about to know the awful way in which kids would die at our hands. 

“Tell me about it” I mumbled back. 

Snow kept talking, and even if I wanted to, I couldn’t make sense at all to what he was saying, though the people that were his public were certainly kind of excited about his words. A middle aged man appeared by his side, carrying a little wooden box in his hand. Snow smiled and turned towards him as the man opened the box. It contained an envelope, the announcement was inevitable. 

“That’s Plutarch Heavensbee,” Peeta said, pointing to the man before us. 

“Who?” I asked frowning, letting my sight separate from the television for a moment. 

“He is the head gamemaker this year” he explained, sighing a bit. “I met him during the last stop of our Victory Tour in the Capitol. Had a pretty lousy watch of a mockingjay in his wrist, he was kind of secretive about it though”

I was about to say something about it when Snow started talking again, and it gained and absorbed my total focus. 

“As a reminder, that not even time can be an escape from the things we have to pay for” he said, and looked around, as if he was waiting for some kind of response from the crowd. “This year’s quarter quell will move the age limit up, meaning that the girl and boy tribute will be reaped from age fifteen to twenty five” he finished, and with that, so did the image on the television. 

Basically, we would most surely have to mentor people our age to the games, people we would certainly know, people who probably would be our friends, even families. Was this just because of us? Was this a warning meant just for me and Peeta or had the other victors also mis behaved enough to be punished like this? Was there something even bigger than us happening?  

The conversation I had with Haymitch bounced back into my mind. He had talked with Finnick, and I had heard complaints from my prep team, during our sessions for the wedding, about certain products being hard to acquire, fish, clothing, cereals…there was also the conversation with Annie, the way she felt so eager to know if something was happening over in twelve, Were Finnick and Annie taking matters into their own hands and now being punished for it? Were the other victors as well? Had Haymitch? 

There was a part of me that was actually relieved because of the age rule, because that meant Prim’s name wouldn’t appear in the damn bowl, and then I felt guilty, because how could I feel happy that my sister wasn’t going to be reaped when Peeta’s brothers could? When so many other kids would. My chest felt tight, and even though I felt like I had already spent an eternity on my mind, I knew barely a few seconds had passed. How would we be able to make it through this?

“This is awful” Peeta mumbled, and I could see his hands shake slightly over his thighs. 

“It is” I mumbled back, taking one of them in my own hands. 

“I, Katniss, what are we gonna do?” 

“Hope, that’s the only thing we can do, Peeta” I mumbled back, sighing a little. 

We were certainly off to the worst first mentoring year of our lives. Worst of all, the people we would have to mentor were probably going to hate us as well. 

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪

There were probably around twenty to twenty-five people in my  living room, all laughing and talking around as if it was a normal dinner that we could’ve had, except it was not. I was wearing a simple white shirt and brown trousers that could’ve passed as a reaping day outfit, but it wasn’t, it was my toasting suit. Katniss and I had gotten to the conclusion that, no matter when or how we made the toasting, it would inevitably get to Snow’s knowledge, even more now that we were being watched almost every second of the day. So the best we could do was pretend we were like any other normal couple in town, invite friends and family and have dinner over it at his house before doing the toasting on our own. 

We wouldn’t be able to actually live together in my house until after the official wedding, but both us and our families would depart towards the capitol first thing next day, so either way, it wouldn’t matter that much. June 5th was our toasting date, which gave us a big enough window to fulfill the carefully curated schedule that the capitol had planned for us. We had to sit down and talk to both her parents and my dad to explain to them what was going on, and why we would do it beforehand. It was just what made sense, somehow. It still made me nervous, because this was no Capitol tradition, or order, this was nothing but our decision, but it didn’t make it less of a big step. 

Katniss and I were in the kitchen, I was doing the finishing touches of the cake I had prepared to eat after dinner, while she was watching me to keep me company. It always made me happy to notice her staring at me, mostly because I was sure she thought I didn’t know, but I did, and found it cute and warm. I could hear the voices coming from the living room as we kept silence in our tiny bubble. The whole situation was a big mess, but at least it was ours. 

“I can feel you watching, you know?” I mumbled, leaving the piping bag on the kitchen sink, smiling at the sight of the finished cake. 

“I know, you’ve become very good at that,” she said, smiling a little towards him. 

I laughed and nodded. Mostly just at noticing hers. 

“I’m just waiting for the loaf of bread to be done and we’ll be set,” I explained, moving towards me carefully. 

She nodded back. She was still watching me carefully, which made me giggle a little. 

“We should hurry, otherwise the kids are going to fall asleep and won’t dine in time” she said, smiling a little. 

“Songbird, bread boy, do y’all need help?” Burdock peaked his head from the door of the kitchen, smiling a little. 

He had been the hardest one to convince that the toasting was our best scenario to make the whole marriage thing at least partly ours. He had come to terms with the idea at the end, both him and Katniss’s mother. My dad didn’t have much of an opinion on it, because though it felt like it was too soon, he also said that whatever made me happy, was alright with him. 

“We’re fine,” I answered, taking the bread out of the oven and then the cake carefully. “We can dine already, so the kids don’t fall asleep over the food” I joked and walked towards him. 

Katniss smiled and followed us both. It was a pleasant sight, knowing that at the end of the day, t we got along so well that I got along well with the entirety of her family. It felt right, like it was all meant to be. It also overwhelmed me, more often than not, it scared me to feel so much, to give her so much of my heart, to depend so much on her well being, because deep down I knew, if something ever happened to her, it would probably be my ruin.

“Hazelle, gather the kids,” Burdock said, as he walked into the dining room. 

Asterid smiled at his sight and so did Prim. As I watched them, I also caught a glimpse of Madge and Gale, who felt like they were in their own little bubble, as if nothing else but the company they gave to each other mattered. I smiled, because that was the wayBurdock and Asterid at each other, and I really hoped that was the way I looked at  Katniss when we were together. 

In no time, everyone was sitting at the table and eating. It felt cozy and warm, and for a  moment I completely forgot what was actually happening, for a moment it was just us two and our closest people watching us get married, for a moment we weren’t more than just Katniss and Peeta, we were not the capitol celebrities, we were not the victors of the hunger games, just two people in love who wanted to celebrate it.

“I have to say, you all have to invite us more often for dinner if Peeta keeps cooking,” Madge said.  

Katniss looked at her and arched one of her brows as if she had something to say. I laughed a little. She was actually pretty good at cooking though she would never admit it, but it wasn’t her favorite thing to do, and either way, it was always Asterid or Burdock the ones cooking at her home. I often cooked for myself and Haymitch, even for my family sometimes, so I obviously had spent much more time perfecting my abilities with herbs and spices. 

“What?” she asked, shrugging her shoulders “It’s really good”

“I also cook,” Katniss said. 

“Didn’t say you couldn’t” Madge laughed “but if the shoe fits”

Katniss rolled her eyes and looked at the cake in the middle of the table as if it was her salvation from being mocked for the rest of the dinner. I laughed as she took a bite from her plate and pointed at it, still looking at Madge as if she had said the most offensive sentence ever. 

“Maybe you are being a little too annoying to have dessert”

“That 's mean!” she said. 

“Don’t try my patience next time then” Katniss answered as she took another bite from the lamb stew before her. 

Everyone laughed at the little interaction as if both Katniss and Madge were two little kids.  The dinner kept going as such. Everyone seemed genuinely happy. It scared me for a second, to see everyone so happy and at peace, to think that for a sweet period, we had nothing to worry about. I knew that being us, all this peace would end soon, more so if we thought about the fact that the districts weren't really pacified at all, and even worse, we were getting married under surveillance without President Snow’s permission. 

“Even if I think you guys are way too young to be getting married” Burdock said, and I could tell he was struggling a bit with holding back the tears from his face. “I am really glad she is marrying you bread boy, there is no one better for my songbirds than you” he finished, and smiled towards me. 

I smiled a little and nodded. Deep down I wanted to contradict him, to tell him that I was the lucky one, that I was the one who was marrying the best person in twelve, and that I would go through anything again if that meant that I could love her for even a fraction of a second, but I didn’t, because I knew this were words he actually needed to get out to process that we were actually getting married, not only by the capitol but with the toasting. 

We had conversations about it, when I arrived early, when Katniss went to the woods on her own, or simply when we walked together towards town. Burdock loved her more than she would ever comprehend, and that made his words more meaningful at least to me, because I knew he was letting go a big part of his heart with her, I knew that this meant a great deal for him. 

“Bread boy, you know, it’s not that I don’t find you okay to marry Kat” he said, looking at me. 

We were walking towards town. I had to go to my afternoon shift over at the bakery and he had decided to trade some stuff at the Hob after lunch, while Kat just said she would be at the woods, so we decided to walk together and make each other company while at it. Katniss, well, more so like Asterid, had dropped the toasting bombs a few days ago, and it was still an endless discussion the four of us were having. 

“No, I know, I really think we are young as well but…”

He interrupted me with a tiny smile and a shake of his head. 

“Let me finish” he sighed and kicked a rock as he walked. “It’s just, I feel really guilty more often than not, for all the hardships Katniss had to endure because of me, for all the things she lost just because of my accident and having to step up as the family care giver” he said, wrinkling his nose. “So watching her get married when I’ve been back for barely a year, feels like losing her, us, the second chance we had as a family, all over again”

We both stopped walking as if it was a magical reflex that just came out of nowhere, though he stopped because this was serious for him, this was him telling me the actual truth about all the conversations we had, and me, because if I was going to marry the girl I loved the most in the world, I planned on doing it on the right terms, on having her parents accept our decision and to be there for the both of us. 

“So when Asterid dropped the news, it felt as if she was getting stolen from me a third time” he sighed and looked at me. “But if I have to let her go, I’m really glad it is you, because for a long time I swore no one would love my girls as much as me, but you come really close” he joked and nudged my shoulder as he started walking again. 

I stood still for a couple of seconds in my place, processing all the information I had just heard, and then walked behind him with a huge smile on my face. 

“So, you do want me as a son in law?”

“Don’t get so cocky, Mellark” he said as he rolled his eyes and laughed. 

After that, the next conversation we had about it was way more cordial and calm. As if the fact that he had let out his feelings to me, solved every internal conflict he had in his mind about me and Katniss getting married for real. It made me happy, to know that I had gained his trust to that point, to know that at least one of us thought I was enough for her. 

“Thank you, Burdock,” I said, smiling at him. 

“Well now, let’s eat cake!” Posy jumped from her seat and climbed into my lap as if she belonged there. 

I laughed and nodded, leaving a tiny kiss on her head. I tried to enjoy her affection as much as I could, with the fair knowledge that neither Katniss nor me, would ever have babies voluntarily. I craved them more than anything, to have kids of my own, but first of all, we were way too young, and second, they would never be safe at all, they would be meat for the capitol and the arena the second their presence was known. 

“Sure baby, let’s cut the cake so you can go to sleep” I said, and put her on my shoulders as I stood up from my chair. 

Gale pointed at her and tried not to smile. 

“Dont’ go so fast Mellark, don’t start stealing my siblings as well”

“It’s not my fault they like me better”

Gale rolled his eyes and shook his head, laughing at my words. Ever since I had confronted him, our relationship had gotten way better, probably also fueled by the fact that he realized his feelings for Katniss weren’t actually what he thought they were, and by the fact that Madge had slapped him out of it. 

The cake was cut, and before I could notice it, one by one, the presences that had filled our living room disappeared. As everyone started leaving I stepped into the kitchen and took the loaf of bread I had baked before and took it in between my hands. It felt symbolic, as if this was a fulfillment that would never be topped. I smiled, because I knew that even if it had been dangerous, it had been the right thing to do, Katniss had been right about it all, it was the best experience, solely because it was just ours. 

“Gale and Madge just left,” Katniss said, as she walked back from the entrance and smiled slightly at me. “So shall we?” she said, walking towards the chimney. 

I nodded and walked towards her with a gigantic smile on my face and the loaf of bread in my hands. We were making these memories for ourselves, this was just ours, no one else’s, and that made the fluttering feeling in my chest grow bigger.  I sat on the floor by her side, and put the loaf of bread on the plate in front of us. This was just us. 

“Are you ready?” I asked, as I turned on the fire before us. 

“I am, are you?” she asked, looking at me. 

I nodded and smiled a little. 

“Let’s do this, Miss Everdeen”

She rolled her eyes, and without me having to ask her, she cut two separate pieces of bread carefully. She had always been very good with knives, I had seen it in the first arena, and learned more about it when we went to the woods together as she was teaching me how to swim. There was such a delicacy in her hands, in the way she worked with the sharp end of the tool as if it was an extension of her body. 

I stared at her while at it. So much was going on in our lives. Mentoring, the sparks of rebellion, the constant reminder that even if we wanted to help, we couldn’t, because that would mean putting everyone around us at risk, putting a death target on their backs and having to live with the guilt of their deaths if even the slightest thing went wrong. I had imagined tons of futures by her side. One where the rebellion worked, one where it didn’t, one where we didn’t rebel at all and just complied with everything the capital had asked for us, one with kids, one without them, the only constant in it was that we loved each other profoundly. 

“Here” she said, handing me one of the pieces of bread. 

The only light we had, was the one from the fire, so from my perspective she looked even more angelic than she usually did, with the warm light illuminating her cheeks so softly, and the yellow glim that sparked her eyes. Maybe we were a little too young to be getting married, but who cared anyway? Who apart from us could actually have something to say when we had already faced death together? What else should we have to wait for? 

“Thank you” I said, smiling towards her. 

She smiled, and that reassured me even more. This was real, we were real. We both stared at the pieces of bread in silence and toasted them carefully on the fire before us. This was it. Once both pieces of bread were toasted, we took them in our hands, they were hot, but not enough to hurt us, it was just on the line of it though, and maybe that was the magical part about it, that was the part that symbolized love so well. Being on the verge of being burnt and hurt but not quite, loving someone so much to the point of putting every defense down, to the point of trusting them with your life with the fair knowledge that they would never do something to damage it, that was love, at least our love. 

“You start,” she said, looking at me. 

I laughed a little and nodded. This was it, only us, no people we didn’t know, no overpowering figures that were controlling our life, just our love and the toasting, the little rebel act that we had planned to have something to ourselves in a world that was taking everything away from us. 

“I, Peeta Mellark, take you, Katniss Everdeen, as my wife” I started talking. “I take you to be nothing but my equal, my partner, my other half, the one I run to when things get hard, the only person that completes me perfectly. I promise to care for you, to cherish you, to love you, in sickness and in health, in richness and poorness, in the good and the bad, and I promise to stay by your side no matter where life takes us, because I love you wholeheartedly, and you are what keeps my heart beating” I spoke, looking directly at her eyes, to then put the ring on her hand. 

I could see the slight blush in her cheeks, and that made me smile even wider than I already was. 

“I Katniss Everdeen, take you, Peeta Mellark, as my husband” she started, as she kept the eye contact between us. “I take you as my equal, as my partner, as my other half, as the oxygen to my fire, as the calm to my rage, as the one who complements me perfectly. I promise to love you in sickness and in health, in richness and poorness, in the good and the bad, and I promise to stay by your side no matter where life takes us, because you are the oxygen I breathe, and the reason I’m still sane after all we’ve been through.” She finished, and put the ring on my finger as well.

With her finishing her words, we extended the toasted bread to each other to take a bite. Warm, rich, fresh, and fulfilling, it sealed the promise that we were a forever team, that no matter what, we would stay by each other’s sides. The bread was the proof that this decision was ours, that our love was not a show, but a treasure that we were willing to work on and protect, that even if we went insane it would still exist and be there. 

We then kissed, and with that it was done. We were officially a married couple, officially The Mellarks.

Chapter Text

"I don't belong and my beloved, neither do you"

Waking up next to Peeta with the knowledge that this would be the standard for the rest of our lives was an experience way more fulfilling and warm than I had expected it to be, and of course, as it was usual for me, it was also a very scary moment. For a long time, mostly by watching Madge and Gale’s relationship, I had wondered how far they had gone with the limits of physical contact, based on her reactions and our conversations, and if that was actually what both Peeta and I wanted to do. The answer for that had arrived the same night of the toasting, and even if it was clumsy and a bit awkward at first, at the end of it, we had made it work and ended up enjoying it. 

The sun was coming through his window and hitting us directly in the face. I had woken up way before him, mostly due to the fact that I was already an early riser because of my hunting routine, and even after weeks and weeks of not going to the woods, the habit stayed. It had played to my advantage though, because I had discovered how much I liked watching him sleep with the sun hitting his blonde hair and eyelashes.  

I was laying my head on my own arm, watching his steady breath make his chest rise and fall with calm. Maybe we could make it work, maybe it wasn’t all lost, maybe we had been right and our love was enough to face it all, even if one of us lost their mind, even if we had to face more and more difficulties, if we were put into an even harder probation, we had each other, and we could make it work. 

“Are you awake?” he asked, his voice a bit more raspy than usual. His eyes didn’t open, but one of his arms pulled me closer to him in an embrace. 

“I am, for quite a while now” I answered, resting my cheek over his chest. I could feel my cheeks warming up for the sudden closeness, but I tried not to pay much attention to it. “Did you sleep okay? Nightmares?”

“None at all,” he said, leaving a tiny kiss on my forehead. “you?”

“Safe and sound.” I answered with a tiny smile. “We should get up and have breakfast. Effie’ll be here in no time so we all get on the train on time” I answered with a tiny smile. 

He smiled as well and sat down on his side of the bed carefully. In no time we were showered, dressed and down in the kitchen. The clock said it was around seven am, which gave us a window big enough to prepare and have everything ready for the moment Effie would launch from the front door to tell us we were already late for whatever train we had to catch. 

“You know, I talked with Madge and Gale last night”

“Yeah? and what did they say?

The conversation with Madge and Gale was the most unexpected thing in the evening, because even though I knew they were moving fast, I didn’t think they were going that fast. At the end of the day I couldn’t judge them at all, because I was in no position or situation to, but that didn’t make it less shocking. 

“Thanks for coming” I said, as we stood on the porch of the house. 

“It was a great dinner,” Madge smiled and nodded. “And I love spending time with y’all, it’s way warmer and funnier than at home”

Gale smiled and left a tiny kiss on her temple. It made me happy to see them both like that, to know they complemented themselves so well. They had been together for six months already, but for some reason, they were so good for each other, that a time when they weren’t together felt very far away, as if it was another lifetime to be experienced. I wonder if people felt like that about me and Peeta as well. 

“Anytime, you guys know you’ll always be welcome here” I said, with a small smile. 

“Before we go,” Gale said as I was almost walking inside again. “We have something to tell you”

“Oh?” 

Madge smiled excitedly at him, and took his hand almost instantly, leaving a tiny kiss on his cheek. 

“Since Rory is already capable of hunting, you guys keep my siblings and mother fed,  and the security measures have died down a bit, so we decided to get mar ried” Gale explained. 

“Oh!” I said, opening my eyes as wide as they could go. “Are you serious?”

“As serious as one can be!” Madge said, giggling. 

“That 's great!” I said, and hugged both of them, smiling a little. “Peeta will be thrilled to make the cake” I joked and separated from the hug. 

Gale rolled his eyes and nodded with a teasing smile. 

“Just don’t tell anybody apart from him until after the reaping, you know, just to be safe”

“Will do”

After that I went back inside and the whole toasting happened. I had thought about it a ton, it surprised me, that they were choosing to get married before the reaping, but I couldn’t blame them, I knew that was a scary thing, knowing they could lose each other and not having tried to stay together as much as they could, especially since Gale also counted as a tribute this year. 

I stared at Peeta and smiled towards him, taking the plate he was giving me. It had a couple of cheese buns and scrambled eggs in it. He also handed me a cup of sweet hot chocolate. He had learned about my love for cheese buns and had never let it go, which I was thankful for, the pastries were something I would never say no to. 

“They are getting married after the games” I said, smiling a little. 

Peeta sat by my side, staring at me shockingly, as if it was something he was not expecting at all. “Really? I didn’t see that coming”

“Really” I nodded, eating carefully. “I even joked that you would be ecstatic to do their wedding cake”

He laughed and nodded. 

“What? You are selling your husband’s talents already Mrs?” he asked, nudging me slightly in the shoulder. 

“Maybe I am,” I said, shrugging with a little smile. “More so if I know he knows what he’s doing”

“Oh, I am very aware of what I am doing” he joked back, and left a kiss on my cheek to then start eating. 

I stared at my plate and sighed. I had progressed a lot with my fight against eating, but some days it was just hard, some days the thought of every single dead that weighed on my hands was bigger than the hunger itching in my stomach. I missed them, even if they were people I would never have met if it wasn't because of the games, I felt like they had taken a part of me with them, and I missed that too. 

I wondered how Rue would’ve been doing with her siblings, if Glimmer would’ve married already, if Cato would’ve been a wrestler or a teacher, even maybe a good mentor if Peeta and I had died. There was no use doing that, I knew, but I couldn’t help my mind from slipping to places that took me far away sometimes. Being a victor was harder than I had thought, I didn’t even want to imagine what it would be like to be a mentor, to people my age or older, that I would probably know. 

“Kat?” Peeta’s voice snapped me back into reality. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes, I, I’m sorry, I just disconnected from reality for a second” I mumbled and then took a tiny bite out of the cheese bun. It would be a tough couple of days. 

“It 's okay. We can go check on your family if you want to, I’m sure they’d like to see you.” He said, leaving a tiny peck on my cheek. 

We did go to see my parents and my sister. It was weird, knowing that, after coming back from the trip to the Capitol, the house that I had learnt to call my home, wouldn’t really be mine anymore. It was bittersweet, to think about all the things that were taken away from me, from us, just because of the games, but there was nothing we could do about it, just keep going and hope for the best. 

The morning went by faster than I could’ve predicted it to go, mostly due to the fact that I felt absent minded most of the time, disconnected from it all. I hated the idea of the whole event, it felt like a parade, like cruelty, like we were clowns on a tight rope that would inevitably bounce back on us in the worst way possible. If my family noticed they didn’t say anything and kept the conversation amongst themselves, which I was incredibly grateful for, I needed to save as much mental energy as I could If I was to perform as the capitol’s perfect doll. 

Effie arrived around noon to take us all to the train station. We ended up inviting mine and Peeta’s family and some of our closest friends, we knew it was a bit risky, but it felt odd to leave them out of the whole thing, besides, it would probably be the only time in their lives in which they could see the luxuries of the capitol, and as much as I despised the inequity on Panem, I wanted my close ones to experiment the comfort I had gotten to know over the last year as well. 

My dad, my mom, Prim, Peeta’s brothers and his dad, Madge, Gale, and Delly were the ones coming. We asked Hazelle to come as well, but she said she’d rather stay with the kids and watch out for our houses, and I secretly told her to make sure to feed the kids and herself as much as she needed. She was really special to me, and if she couldn’t come, the least I could do was offer her a safe space for her to have the kids in. I was glad she wasn’t as proud as Gale. 

Delly I didn’t know much, but she was Peeta’s childhood best friend, so bringing her over was his idea, and I couldn’t say no to him. I was introduced to her a few days before the toasting, and had a few conversations here and there with her. She was nice, though a bit too bubbly for me to hang around for a lot of time, I knew Effie would love her. Peeta’s mom chose to stay, and I knew that had hurt him more than he wanted to admit, but he didn’t say much at the end of it, at least it seemed like both his brothers and his father were relieved about it. 

“This is amazing!” Prim squealed as she sat down at the table. “How can all this actually fit on a train?” 

I laughed a little and sat in front of her. Lamb stew, my favorite ever. There were tons and tons of food before us, probably due to the fact that we were more than the usual amount traveling in the cart, but it made me happy, to see them all in a place where they could eat without worrying if it would be enough, because it was more than that.

“I really have no idea, little duck,” I answered, waiting for the rest of the people on the train to sit down. 

“Better not ask much about it and enjoy it, sweet pea” My dad told her, leaving a kiss on her head, as he sat down next to her and my mom. 

Effie was the last to arrive at the dining cart and smiled as she saw everyone sitting down for dinner, as if the fact that we were all on time was some kind of special miracle that didn’t happen that often. 

“Well this is amazing!” she said as she sat down. “We can go over the schedule,”

And oh boy she did. 

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪

“And here I thought you were being dramatic about the luxury of it all” Madge said, as she launched herself in my bed. 

I rolled my eyes and laughed. June 8th. Effie had separated Peeta and I completely since we stepped off the train, because according to her, it was bad luck for the groom and the bride to see each other the day before the wedding. That was a Capitol tradition I didn’t really understand, but I was not about to question her when she had taken so much of the preparations on her own hands so it would not burden me and Petta. 

It was just barely after breakfast, and apparently Peeta was staying on another floor of the building, couldn’t guess which one though, because to my knowledge most of the victors had been invited to the ceremony. I wondered if they were interacting with Peeta and Haymitch, who apparently had chosen to stay with him, Mr Mellark, his boys and Delly, the rest of our district twelve guests were staying with me, but jumping between quarters to be with the both of us.  

“I couldn’t believe it either the first time I was here, but this is way prettier than the fourth floor.” Annie said. 

I was glad she had been invited as well. I had grown very fond of her ever since the victory tour, and I knew I wouldn’t be seeing much of her during the games, since she barely mentored, according to Finnick. I figured it was alright, more so because she really had a hard time staying sane during her stay in the capitol. 

“Is it?” I asked, looking at her. “I thought it was all Effie’s theatrics”

“Oh it is,” Annie said, giggling a little. “It is very pretty, pretty.” 

Just as I was about to ask some more about her own floor, the door opened, and through it came my prep team, flying towards me as if they hadn't seen me in years. I rolled my eyes, they tended to be way more dramatic than they had to, but it was just part of being from the Capitol, or that was as much as I could guess. Cinna walked in behind them, and behind him an avox with a dress rack. Oh god, it was actually happening, it was real, there was no way of pretending like it was not. 

My breath shook for a second, and if it wasn’t for the fact that I knew Peeta was the one waiting for me at the altar, I probably would’ve tried to run. I didn’t want to do it though, I just wanted to hide and forbid them all to make us a show, to treat our relationship as their entertainment, but it was of no use, I couldn’t run, not if I wanted the people I loved to be safe, so this was the only thing we could do. 

“Are you ready, girl on fire?” Cinna said, as he approached me carefully. 

“Not one bit” I mumbled back, giving into his hug.  

“I guessed as much,” he said, sighing a little. “Your sister and parents are getting ready as well, Effie has everything under control.”

I nodded and stared at him for a second, smiling a little. Maybe a joke would make me feel better. 

“Effie always has everything under control”

Cinna laughed a little, and from that I disconnected myself more from the ambience of it all. I didn’t want anything to do with it. I would let my prep team work as much as I could, for all I cared, our actual wedding had already happened and this was not ours, this was just a reminder from Snow that he was the one in control, that he was the one who decided what and where thing happened, he was the one responsible for the capitol having so much luxury and the districts almost starving to dead. 

I could hear both Madge’s and Annie’s voices in the back of my mind, but I couldn't really understand what they were saying. It felt like being reaped all over again, being prepared to be showcased as a doll with no will of her own. I wondered how my mom was feeling, how my dad and my sister would react. I hoped my dad would be holding me really tight down the aisle, because I felt like I might faint at any second.

I had it all memorized, how the ceremony would work, what I had to say, the ritual that they would make us perform, and half of the eccentricities that were going to be at the party. Effie made sure we didn’t stress much about it, but at the end, we had to make choices as well, to act at least a bit interested in all. Peeta and I chose colors, flowers, the food and the flavor of the cake. 

My dress was also left up to me, and I hadn't changed my mind at all, though the shoes that went with it were definitely not my choice, Cinna had made wonders with fabric, and the gown was something that made me feel actually pretty and not just like a plaything star for the capitol residents and the rest of the victors. 

“You are all set,” Cinna said. 

I was standing in front of a full length mirror with the gown on me. I had my hair half down half up, and my make up done in a very natural way, just enough for me to look like a pretty doll that was about to get sold to the highest bidder. I was glad I wasn’t though, that at the end of the day, my partner in all of the mess that was occurring was Peeta, that he was the one I got to run at the end of the day.   

“It looks so pretty,” I said, looking at the mirror. It didn’t feel like I was staring at myself. 

“You look so pretty!” Prim’s voice filled the room in a squeak, as she ran to hug me. 

I hugged her back, trying to attach myself to reality again, trying to remind myself that this was physical, that all this was happening. My heart was beating faster than usual, and the feeling of an imminent death started to invade my mind like a horrible wave that was meant to drown me. I didn’t want to do any of it, I hated the idea of being controlled by Snow even more, I hated that he had made us into a show. 

“You really do” was my mom’s voice then. 

I looked up and smiled slightly at her, trying to hide the horrible dread that was invading me, trying to control my breath so it wouldn’t betray me in front of them. 

“Thank you,” I mumbled softly. “Where is dad?”

“He went to talk to Peeta for a second or so he said” Madge explained as she entered the room again, with a flower bouquet, my flower bouquet, in her arms. 

I nodded and let go of the hug I was capturing Prim with, sighing a bit. 

“Is everything alright, Niss?” my mom asked, putting her hands over my arms. 

She looked worried, but the last thing I wanted her doing was that, because at the end of the day, I would be safe. Peeta was the one waiting for me at the end of the aisle, the boy I had already married a couple of days ago, the one that had promised to stay by my side no matter what. Everything was going to be alright. 

“Yes, don't worry mom”

Another presence joined the room. Haymitch. 

“Look at you sweetheart” He said with a small smile, and walked up to hug me. “You look like the prettiest bride in all Panem”

I rolled my eyes and hugged him back, because even if I didn’t want to admit it I needed it, I needed the support, every ounce I could get. 

“Katniss!” Annie said, jumping into the room with a smile. “Effie says we should go, go, or else we’re gonna be late, late”

Prim laughed a little and walked towards her with a smile. They had barely known each other for a few days and they already acted like the best of friends, I didn’t know who to acknowledge the nature of that to, though I supposed it would be to the both of them, they were really alike in a lot of ways. I liked that they liked each other, made me a bit more sure about my choices in friendships. 

Then my dad entered the room, and everyone stayed silent as he did. He stared at me as if I was someone else, then as if I had gone mad, and then as if he couldn't believe what he was seeing. I could almost see the tears forming in his eyes as he walked towards me and hugged me the tightest he had in a while. I felt so small in between his arms that I almost started bawling my eyes out. I wanted to go back to the time before the games, before the accident, when all my worries were just running to the woods with my dads on sundays, but there was no way to do that, all I could do was face the fate I was given and make the most of it, even if it felt like the hardest thing ever. 

“I love you, songbird” he mumbled as he left a kiss on my forehead while cupping my face between his hands. 

“I love you too, dad” I said, and I hugged him again. 

𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪𓆰𓆪

  “I do” I said, as I kissed her hands softly and smiled reassuringly at her. 

“You may now kiss the bride”

I looked into her eyes and cupped her cheek as I left a soft kiss on her lips. Everything about it felt sad, but at least we were together. The whole thing felt like I didn’t belong, and I was almost a hundred percent certain that she felt the same way. I felt her hand finding its way to my chest, shaky, nervous, but sure of herself, because if there was one thing we could take from all the show we were having to put on for the cameras, it was that we had each other. 

I felt her hand gripping my bicep as we started to walk down the aisle with each other. I felt the way her breathing was getting faster, and as we walked, I could feel the slight stops she made because of the awkwardly high heels Cinna had put her on. Not that I knew the first thing about capitol weddings or fashion, but I did know more than the first thing about Katniss, and I could more certainly tell that she hated the shoes. 

We both knew the whole thing was getting televised, so we had to be careful about the way we looked at each angle, we could be nothing more than two teenagers in love who all of the sudden got the magical chance to have a gigantic wedding. I could feel Snow’s stare in us though, I could feel the way he was studying us, and the way he was carefully watching every person surrounding us. 

Grains of rice fell over us, and it felt more and more like a waste. They were throwing rice at us as if it was the funniest thing ever. They lived in a world of delusion where no person got hurt, were resources were always enough, were money was never tight and electricity was never short, they grew up in a way that would never let them wonder what it was to not have enough, to feel hunger, to be cold, or sick to the point of death from a simple cold. They were rich and happy, all that whilst the rest of the country starved to serve their lifestyle, while the rest of us had to endure barely surviving.

We didn’t get the chance to greet anybody, as soon as we stood at the end of the aisle and the photos of us walking together were taken, the peacekeepers rushed us to the car that would take us to the reception. I felt as small as ever, but I did not let the intimidation they were applying on us make me let go of Katniss’ hand, which was really iron clawed to mine.

“Our families will meet us there, right?” she mumbled, and I hugged her softly. 

“They will, don’t worry much, they can’t afford an accident here” I mumbled back, breathing deeply. 

She nodded and relaxed in between my arms, as if that was the queue she needed to know she was safe. I knew we weren’t, but the one thing I could do to help, was to make her feel as if we were, as if everything was going to be alright, and either way, I needed to convince myself of the same, I couldn’t afford to doubt, not when we were in a battlefield. 

“Did you like the dress?” she mumbled, and I smiled. 

The image was still fresh in my mind, seeing her walking down the long aisle in the big dress Cinna had meticulously designed to fit her perfectly. At first glance it looked like a normal gown, one that I could’ve seen in fashion magazines from Effie, but the more I stared at it, the more I discovered that It really wasn't. The gown had  feathers over the top, and it made me think immediately about the nickname Burdock constantly called her by, she looked like the prettiest bird I had ever seen. For a moment I got transported back to the time I first saw her, when I heard her sing for the first time, the pretty red dress and the two braids, it was magical. 

There were also the sleeves and the skirt. The more I looked, the more detail I could find. The sleeves made her look like she had the wings of an angel, starting at the end of her shoulders and ending at her elbows, they also fell back as if they were designed to make her look as if she was flying down the aisle. And the skirt, the skirt made it all a look, made the dress look complete. At first I had thought the dress was plainly white, but as the skirt made it into my system, I noticed it was not, it was some sort of off-white, that just made Katniss’ olive skin glow even more. 

The skirt had tons of layers that made it puffy, and amongst that, little rays of color could be seen, light blue, lilac, a light shade of orange and hints of a sage green. It reminded me of what Tam Amber and Clerk Carmine had described the dresses of the girls from the Covey were. I wondered if Cinna knew, or if it was just a funny coincidence from destiny, and Kat’s roots always following her around, just as her name and the plant, just as her image and the mockingjay. 

As a whole, the dress made her look unreal, ethereal even, and the tears that had rolled down my cheeks weren’t fake, because even if the capitol hadn’t wanted me to add dramatism to the whole thing, even if it had been just me and her in that place, even if it was the end of the world and that was my last glance of her, I still would’ve cried, mostly because of the knowledge that she was marrying me, that she loved me. Even if we didn’t belong it felt right, it felt like Cinna had captured her pure essence and made it into a dress. 

“Are you kidding?” I said, leaving a kiss on her forehead. “It’s the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen, Kat.”

“Don’t be dramatic,” she said, laughing a little. 

“I am most certainly not being dramatic!” I answered, laughing  as well. “It is really the prettiest thing ever, I loved it” 

She smiled, and it relieved me to see her more present, calmer. We spent the rest of the ride talking nonsense, partly because we wanted to distract ourselves from the exhausting event we were heading to, and partly because there was no way we could’ve talked about anything else in a capital owned car that was most certainly bugged. 

“Look at her! She looks like a cotton candy all and all” I heard Johanna’s voice appear behind us and I saw the eye roll that appeared in Katniss’ face instantly. 

I laughed at her reaction. I really liked the other victors, they were fun, and most of them had been very friendly to us during the victory tour, but Johanna? She loved to get on Katniss’ nerves and she was definitely not having it at all. 

“Hello Johanna,” Katniss said through gritted teeth. 

“Jo!” Annie said, as soon as she saw her. “It’s so nice to see you again, again!”

Johanna’s mocking grin disappeared at the sight of Annie, and she just smiled back. They had been victors for a longer time than we had, and there were friendships formed from that. I smiled as well, even if they weren’t the closest of friends, no one could actually resist Annie’s warmth, she was simply just too likeable and kind for one not to fall into it. 

“Hello Annie,” she said, leaving a tiny scrunch on her arm. “I trust that Mags and Waterboy are taking good care of you?” she asked, looking at her. 

“Who do you take me for, Mason? If not an amazing victor who takes care of his fellow mates” Finnick said, putting a glass of some sort of drink into Annie’s hand. 

Katniss rolled her eyes again and laughed. She had gotten really close and amicable with Finnick as well, though I suspected it was mostly Annie’s doing, rather than them growing a friendship of their own. 

“A peacock who cries when there is not a mirror near” Johanna answered, taking a sip of her own glass. 

The evening went on. We met almost every single living victor, every single capitol celebrity or elite person that was there. We danced, we talked, we gave interviews, we took pictures and did everything that was expected from us. Every moment that passed I felt more out of place, and I could swear Katniss did too, mostly by the way she looked at our loved ones constantly, as if something would happen to them as soon as she took her sight off of them. 

The conversation with everyone felt superficial, but I couldn't help but notice the fact that every other capitolite had complained about shortages in one field or another. 

“Sweetheart, boy, why don’t we take a bit of fresh air, to rest”

It was probably like two o’clock in the morning when we finally made it back from the party. Neither of us wanted to stay as long, but as the main characters of the night we had to stay until the last person went home. After all the politics and goodbyes we had to say, the only other close one that stayed with us was Haymtich, and I suspected that more than being out of love for us, it was because he had promised our parents to take care of us until the whole thing was done. I was thankful for that because, at the end of the day, Haymtich had more than twenty years experience ahead of us, while we had barely had a taste of what the capitol was truly like. 

He pointed at the roof, and both Katniss and I nodded towards him. He wanted to talk about something, god knows what, but if Haymitch was urging us to talk about it, we better listen to him. 

“We’ll just change into pajamas, we won’t be able to go up in this clothing” Katniss said. 

“Whatever, just don’t take long”