Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was a late summer evening, the sun hanging low in the sky and casting long shadows over the grassy plain your horses walked across. The twittering of birds could be heard from the higher branches of the trees around the clearing, the chirping of crickets low in the overgrown grass joining in their enthusiastic song.

Abby had taken the lead once more, claiming to have remembered the road you were supposed to take exactly how it was planned out. You’d already gotten lost a few times due to her stubbornness, but Abby was far too confident to admit that, maybe, she should check where you were going every once in a while.

“Are you sure you know where we’re going?” You asked once more, a hint of jesting in your voice. You leaned forwards in the saddle, your hands planted on the pommel to hold up your own weight. It really wasn’t that bad getting lost a few times, the scenery beautiful enough to take your mind off of everything going on in the world, but you’d rather just get to your destination as soon as possible.

“Yes, I’m sure.” Abby grumbled in response, her tone making it clear she didn’t find the situation quite as funny as you did. She hadn’t even wanted to take you along with her in the first place, and now she was going to be stuck with you for weeks whilst they travelled through the middle of America, their journey longer because of their need to avoid any infected and Seraphites.

You didn’t say anything after that, simply allowing your weight to shift to the middle of the saddle again as you let out a soft sigh. You’d known it would be like this, with Abby all grumpy about having to escort you in search of a cure. She’d always blamed you for what happened, but Jerry had insisted on taking you in despite it all.

———————————————

You two had set up camp near the river you’d been following for the past few miles, the tent now finally off the back of Abby’s poor, tired horse. The pair of large animals were tied to a nearby tree, contently grazing and close enough to just barely take a sip from the river’s surprisingly clear water if needed.

You’d started up a fire for warmth and light whilst Abby swiftly checked the perimeter, not a word having been exchanged between the both of you. A proper routine had been established by now, the tasks divided without either one left wondering what to do. That’s how you knew Abby would take first watch, and then wake you halfway through the night.

Once Abby had returned she sat down next to you, leaving enough room for it to be clear she disliked you, but just close enough to show she could mildly tolerate your presence. Your cowboy hats laid in between the two of you, filling up the patch of grass that otherwise would’ve been left empty.

It was awfully quiet as you grabbed your notebook from your bag, the small book containing crucial information on what to do once you got to Jackson. You were so close to a cure… All you needed was to find that girl you’d let go five years ago. It hadn’t been an easy decision, but Dr. Anderson’s life had been on the line.

You could feel Abby’s gaze on you, your own eyes darting up to meet hers. The campfire’s flames illuminated Abby’s face, dancing across her freckled cheeks, making it impossible to look away. Abby broke the eye contact first, the turning of your own head soon following, a silent agreement to not bother each other with useless words and gestures.

You closed the notebook after a short while, deciding it would be best to sleep now in the hopes of having enough energy to pull through half the night. You didn’t say anything to Abby, your eyes darting over to your travelling companion one last time before crawling into the tent and attempting to get comfortable. Abby didn’t look back.

———————————————

You were up bright and early, having been on watch duty for the second half of the night. Abby awoke a bit sooner than she might’ve done if you two had been in the safety of the base, her lack of rest evident by the tension in her shoulders. You’d have to be a little extra careful today to avoid getting on her nerves.

You’d been filling up the water canteens with the river’s water, your head turning towards the tent as you heard Abby exiting it. The fire had long burned out now, the smoke no longer rising and the flames’ light now replaced by the sun’s. You held out one of the canteens as Abby approached the river, offering her a drink regardless of their strained relationship.

Abby stared down at the water canteen you were holding out for a few moments, seeming to internally debate whether or not to accept the offer. Eventually she reached out, taking the item from you and bringing it to her lips.

You watched for a few moments, watching the morning sun as its rays of warm light hit Abby’s skin, the sight mesmerising even to a person entirely uninterested in the woman. A person such as yourself. Anyone would feel like this if they’d been in your position, you told yourself, it wasn’t your fault Abby was this gorgeous.

“Thanks,” Abby absentmindedly muttered as she handed you the canteen back, your fingers brushing against each other. The casual touch sent a sense of security through you, a gentle buzz which seemed oddly pleasant during a time like this.

If Abby had experienced the same thing, she didn’t make it known, simply turning away and moving to saddle the horses, ending the ephemeral moment without another acknowledgement of your existence. You quickly got up, packing the tent and your other belongings before helping Abby prepare the horses.

Hours passed, the scenery that had been so beautiful yesterday now seeming monotonous and devoid of any life besides your own. The beating heat of the sun had both you and the horses exhausted beyond belief, and you weren’t even halfway through their journey. Your thoughts had been continually interrupted by Abby’s sighs since about half an hour ago, and you knew she was feeling the same way.

You attempted to focus on the movements of the horse beneath you, the way its muscles moved when it walked, the huffs and puffs it would let out when having to walk uphill… Nothing worked to get your mind off the heat that was slowly melting away your skin.

It wasn’t until late afternoon that the heat seemed to lessen, the air still stuffy yet more bearable than the feeling of sunshine directly on your skin. You were in an area with more trees now, the vegetation’s shadows helping you cool down at least somewhat.

You squeezed your legs against the horse’s barrel, causing the animal to speed up a little so you could catch up to Abby. You steered your horse to ride next to the other, your head turning to the side to look at your travelling companion. Abby had made space for you when she’d heard you approach, though she didn’t spare you a single glance.

“Can we take a break?” You asked Abby, your voice more tentative than it usually would be, knowing the woman was already in a bad mood. You weren’t necessarily afraid of her, but you know how annoying it could be for someone to bother you when you’re already upset.

Abby didn’t immediately answer the question, though she now did look your way as she moved the reins to one hand. The other hand rested on Abby’s thigh, her thick fingers drumming impatiently against the fabric of her jeans. After a few tense moments she let out a sigh, the nth one that day. “Alright. You’re such a baby.”

You must’ve looked at her weird, because Abby’s eyes narrowed right after she’d spoken, her blue irises disappearing to leave only the black of her pupils. Abby led her horse towards a nearby tree before dismounting the animal, her movements swift and controlled. “What?”

“Nothing.” You quickly responded, raising your hands in mock surrender before following Abby’s actions. “That’s the most you’ve said to me in days. Maybe ever, honestly.”

Abby scoffed at your words, simply shaking her head as she tied her horse to the tree. She didn’t argue against your claim, sitting down at the trunk of the tree with a grunt. After tying your own horse to the tree as well you sat down beside her, the rough bark of its trunk scratching at your back through the thin fabric of your shirt.

the tree’s leaves cast a shadow over most of your still heated skin, the rest of the light blocked by the brim of your cowboy hats you’d so conveniently found in an abandoned store. you’d taken them with you as a joke, back when you and Abby were younger. back when you were more carefree, when you were closer.

It was moments such as these that reminded you of how things used to be, the comfortable silence almost more comforting than the occasional conversation the two of you might've engaged in. But you and Abby had grown up, your likeness as fluid as your relationship over the years. Sometimes you wished things had stayed the same.

You took one of the apples from the saddlebag, grabbing your switchblade from out of your jeans’ front pocket to carve a slice out of it. Using the point of the blade you brought the slice up to your lips, the sweetness of the fruit filling your mouth as you watched Abby wipe away the sweat on her forehead.

A debate about leaving Abby be for a little while took place in your head, but you eventually decided against the thought, the want to regain whatever connection you used to have stronger than any counter argument. The droplets of sweat trickling down Abby’s neck caught your attention, the damp trails they left behind the only proof of their existence, an existence you, for some reason, mourned.

You cut out an apple slice for Abby, too, holding it out in front of the woman where it was pierced by the point of the switchblade. Abby seemed to hesitate for a few moments, her eyes darting over to the slice, lingering on the fruit.

It wasn’t strange to you that Abby sat completely still for what seemed like forever; internally going over what to do and how it would come off, most likely questioning your intentions. Trust had been something fragile between the two of you in the more recent years, easily broken and far less easily given.

Abby eventually took the leap, taking the apple slice between her teeth before leaning back against the tree again, not wanting to be any closer to you than necessary. A moment too long, and your entire dynamic would change, the relationship you had grown so accustomed to gone in an instant.

That is how the break continued for the majority of its time, sharing the apple in silence as you both got lost in your own thoughts.

“Do you…” Abby broke the silence first, her body language more tense than it usually was, despite her earlier relaxation at the shared moment. “Do you really think it could work? The cure?”

You thought about Abby’s question before answering it, head tilting back to look at the bright blue sky. A cloud or two wouldn’t have hurt, in all honesty. “Maybe. I’m pretty confident about it.”

“‘Maybe’?” Abby repeated, her tone incredulous. She turned her head towards you, her eyes narrowing. “We’re doing this for a ‘maybe’?”

“Can’t really be sure about anything.” You replied casually, a slight shrug of your shoulders further showing your indifference to her disbelief. The apple’s core and the switchblade lay in the grass between you two, the fruit’s remnants having immediately attracted all nearby flies. “Anything, ever.”

Silence overtook the two of you as the conversation was laid to rest, your attention diverting from each other to instead ponder over the matters discussed. Abby was the first to break the calm, her voice not holding the confident assertiveness it usually did. “But… You said you’d done your research. You said it was what we had to do.”

A quiet sigh left your lips, already exhausted by the other’s constant questioning. You allowed your body to fall backwards onto the ground next to the tree, placing the cowboy hat over your face to shield it from the sun, your voice the slightest bit muffled as you spoke again. “It is what we have to do, Abby. It’s our last hope.”

“‘Last hope’, huh? Bullshit. If you hadn’t—“ Abby cut herself off mid-sentence, her brain catching up to what she was saying before she could finish that thought. You lifted the hat off your face, your eyes immediately finding Abby, simply observing her as she muttered a single word in an attempt to salvage the mood. “Whatever.”

Watching Abby as she sat against the trunk of the tree, every detail suddenly seemed to catch your attention. The subtle pink tinge that dusted her cheeks had grown a little less noticeable now that they were sat in the shade of the tree’s leaves, the sun’s rays filtering between the green and dancing over the woman’s face, casting shapes on the freckled skin where it had managed to avoid her hat’s brim. Abby’s dirty blonde hair was in its usual braid, stray strands sticking to her sweaty forehead and neck, evidence of the heat they’d been battling for the entirety of their journey.

Her averted gaze held something mysterious, a constant brooding air hanging around Abby’s person. Others had often found her distant or unapproachable, but you’d grown quite fond of her personality over the years. Even though things had changed, she was still Abby. Your Abby.

Chapter Text

“What were you thinking?” Abby demanded of you, far more upset with you than her father had been. You’d expected her to understand, but in hindsight that might’ve been an idiotic idea to begin with. Either way, there had been only one way for you to prevent the situation you were in, and there was no way it’d been a better thing to do than what your other option had ended up being. Abby’s voice droned on as you got lost in thought. You’d never seen her so angry before. “You’ve ruined our only chance of getting a cure. Do you have any idea what this means?”

You did know what it meant. Or, at least, you thought you did. But had it truly been worth it, to murder a child? A girl even younger than the two of you, with an innocent freckled face, so small and frail compared to the adults her life had been given to. Would it really have made a difference, to kill her in order to ‘save countless of others’, as Dr. Anderson had put it? But, then again, who knows what could’ve happened if you hadn’t stepped in?

“I only wanted to help…” You managed to push out despite the lump forming in your throat, tears prickling in the corners of your shame-filled eyes. You’d never liked it when Abby got all upset like this. Not that you’d seen it often before your catastrophic mistake – or after, for that matter.

“It doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t want. It doesn’t matter what you want, got it?” Abby huffed out after the pathetically muttered sentence had left your mouth, taking a few deep breaths before turning away from you. She pinched the bridge of her nose, an action you could vaguely follow by the movement of her arm, her eyes screwed shut as she thought over her next words. “You can’t do stuff like that. Ever. God, I can’t believe you…”

“I’m sorry, okay? Is that what you want to hear?” You tried again, curling up into yourself a bit more at the visible tension in Abby’s shoulders. You wanted to soothe her worries, take the ire away from the soft girl you’d come to know as your best friend. She looked older when she was upset with you, though it might’ve just been the fact that you’d never had someone your own age scold you like she was doing in that moment.

“I don’t ‘want to hear’ anything. You should’ve never done something so stupid.” Abby countered, raising her voice as though it was needed to get her point across; however, it wasn’t. The only audible sound besides her berating was the overwhelming noise of blood rushing in your ears, making it nearly impossible to fully understand what Abby was saying. You could see her lips moving as she turned around to face you again, but her voice barely reached your ears, let alone allowed itself to be processed by your busy brain. “Are you out of your mind? No, seriously, have you gone insane?”

There wasn’t much you found yourself able to do besides stare at Abby whilst she took a moment to simply look back at you, an equally silent turmoil of thoughts just barely reflected in her now icy blue eyes. The girl you had once been able to read so clearly had now become a mystery to you, something you would normally be eager to explore yet now seemed to view as a more threatening being than a merely complicated one. As always, change seemed inevitable.

———————————————

During one of the earlier oblivious mornings, the first thing you felt was a warm body pressing against you with each breath it takes, your own grogginess only adding to the fuzzy haze of the moment. The material of the old tent Dr. Anderson had the two of you set up the night before allowed the morning sun to light up your sleeping space, the two of you still in the same position as you had fallen asleep in that evening; on your sides, your backs against each other.

You could vaguely hear the singing of birds and rustling of leaves outside the tent, though you couldn’t find it in yourself to get up yet. Nature’s noise was replaced with the sound of movement from behind you, the heat of Abby’s back leaving your own as she turned around underneath the thin sheets the two of you had used to keep yourself at least somewhat warm. Not that a lot of fabric was needed during the warmer months, but it did offer you a sense of protection.

You turned onto your back with a tired groan, head lolling to the side to look at Abby, one arm draped over your torso. The girl’s face was right in front of yours, her soft eyes already on you whilst you just barely opened your own. She didn’t say anything, didn’t have to, her hand finding yours where it rested on your stomach, her far-too-familiar fingers intertwining with yours. Her soft cheek was squished against your shoulder as she laid it there, her body shifting closer to yours, yet never close enough.

“I wish every morning was like this,” You muttered, eyes fluttering shut again at the nearly comforting feeling of Abby’s skin touching your own. Your breaths seemed to sync and the world seemed to pause for a few moments as the two of you laid there, almost as if you had been isolated from everything and everyone around you. “The warmth is nice.”

The only response you got was an affirming hum from Abby, the girl too tired to form any coherent words yet. The air in the tent grew warmer with every passing moment, the sun heating up the trapped air, though it wasn’t an unbearably high temperature yet. If the weather had been any worse Dr. Anderson might’ve allowed you two to spend the night in Saint Mary’s, but you really couldn’t wish for anything other than this.

Being a teenager – sixteen, of all ages – during the apocalypse wasn’t easy, especially when it came to making friends and having a somewhat normal life. You had been alone before this, but Abby’s companionship had made it nearly impossible to remember what life was like before meeting her. She’d grown to play such a large role in your life, making you feel welcomed and a little less weird than you were used to. Her presence was the closest thing to feeling true freedom you’d ever experience, and oddly enough you didn’t mind it. Instead, you found yourself gravitating towards her, as if she was the sun to your metaphorical planetary being.

In a world of loss and hurt, you two had found each other. She was your light, the most important thing in the world, the one keeping you going through it all. Watching each other grow – not just grow up, but grow – despite all the hardships gave you hope for the future. The melodious chords of Abby’s laughter became your favourite sound, something you hoped you’d have the privilege of listening to until the end of time. You swore the world would pause for a moment whenever her eyes met yours, even if just for a breath, a subtle intimacy shared just between the two of you.

She was a change from the endless routine, yet the one to calm your storm whenever needed. Abby was the one thing you could rely on in this uncertain world. Each day seemed to pass quicker than the last, though it somehow seemed like the prolonged moment between the two of you would last forever. Your heart ached at the knowledge that it might not.

———————————————

“It’s alright,” Dr. Anderson told you, his voice patient and comforting as he tried to get you as calm as possible. His gentle hands rested on the outsides of your upper arms, his eyes desperately searching for yours in an attempt to gauge your wellbeing. He could see the physical signs of distress, your trembling hands and quickened breaths most certainly not going unnoticed, but he wanted to know what was happening inside of your head in that moment. “You’re okay, I promise.”

Jerry looked down at the gun in your hand, carefully taking it from you and placing it on the floor, next to the other one. He wasn’t sure how you’d gotten ahold of them, but he knew it wasn’t the right moment to ask.

Hands on arms turned into a firm embrace, an unfamiliar warmth washing over you, your still shocked body stiff in Dr. Anderson’s hold. As he continued to shush you, trying his best to calm you down with the gentle caressing of your back, your breathing began to take on a more healthy tempo. It must’ve been uncomfortable for him, to be holding you so tightly — though, at the same time, so very tenderly — whilst crouching in front of you. If it was, he didn’t show it.

Everything felt so distant. The sounds around you seemed hollow and empty, as if not truly happening. It was as if the imagery in front of you was displayed on a screen, out of your control and not really one of your own experiences. Your thoughts had been racing mere moments ago, but now everything inside of your head was silent. And, moments ago, you’d been awfully aware of every little twitch your body made. Now? You were unable to move.

Abby’s figure was a sight you recognised instantly, the dark blonde hair you would braid whenever she wasn’t fully awake yet, or when her shoulders were too sore to do so. You could remember her teaching you how to braid her hair during one of those nights you’d stayed up late, her soft laugh interrupting what were meant to be clear instructions — well, you assumed that’s what her whispering was supposed to be — as you struggled to make the proper movements.

It’s the first thing you think about when her sudden appearance breaks through the fuzziness of your vision, those sweet moments between the two of you. Her presence took over your senses.
Hair slipping from between your fingers.
Warm skin brushing past your own.
The relaxed, rhythmic thumping of her heart where it lay buried in her chest as it rose and fell with each breath; slow, reliable.

You could see her clearly, right in front of you, though she was still on the other side of the operating room. Her eyes flashed in front of yours, the normally cool blue taking on a kinder look. You could spot hints of grey in them now, and the way they’d light up whenever she rambled about one of her passions. Only adoration filled you when watching the crinkles appear in the outer corners of them.

Wide eyes, bloodshot, staring right at you. You’d seen them before, but never up close, and never like this. They seemed to be looking right through you. Judging, screaming, pleading, lifeless.

Another set of eyes, the same look, accompanied by a slightly agape mouth. It had been a slip of focus, a lapse of judgement. You’d heard the sickening sound of skulls being pierced by the quickness of projectiles, the thumping of Abby’s heart replaced by their bodies hitting the floor.

The bullets had pierced holes straight through their thick skulls, one each, neatly entering through their foreheads. No exit wounds, they would later declare. Splatters painted some walls of the room, those unlucky enough to be built at the right angle and distance, followed by trickles exiting their shot wounds. Streams, pooling on the usually relatively clean floor, dirtying your shoes. Dirtying your hands, getting underneath your fingernails, impossible to wash off.

“Stay with me now,” Dr. Anderson’s voice bled through your thoughts, the mental images that had involuntarily appeared being at the very least disturbed as you became more aware of what you deemed to be your current surroundings. “Yeah?”

Abby had approached the two of you whilst you’d been out of it, now leaning down to study your face from over her father’s shoulder. You weren’t sure how she could stomach what the operating room looked like now, or how she was able to ignore the overwhelming scent of iron hanging in the damp air. Owen stood next to her, his head turned towards the part of the room your gaze was actively trying to avoid.

You didn’t sleep that night. Or anytime soon after, for that matter. Eating was out of the question as well, your mind never fully having pushed the images of their dead bodies out of your memories.

It was beginning to impact how you functioned, and people were definitely noticing. You’d become distracted, absent, an almost empty shell of your former self.

On the days that you were truly, wholly present, which wasn’t quite often, you were more irritable than ever before, each little thing doing enough to drive you insane. Unpleasant to be around. Or, at least, that’s what they called it.

It wasn’t particularly fair. It never had been, you supposed. Nothing in this world seemed to be fair. But what you were unable to grasp was that everyone else was perfectly fine, or pretended to be. Were able to pretend. Their blank stares haunted you, perhaps even more than their screams had, more than their pleading had. They’d trusted you, and you’d let them down.

Alas, not everyone can be at peace. You were more than happy to carry the burden to keep the others sane. Except you weren’t. Not really. Who in their right mind would be?