Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Edel

“We only have a few days left, don’t make me do it alone!”

My eyes that had been crusted shut with sleep, slowly prying them open, I was met with Niamh, glaring down at me with her beady blue eyes. Shifting so my face was buried in my scruffy pillow, I croaked, “I always get there at some point.”

“But I hate walking alone,” she groaned in a tone that could rival a five-year-old's. “I’ve practically done it every day this week!”

No one my age liked walking alone around here–understandably so–but it was late enough to where the junkies had crawled back into their flats and early enough to where people were beginning to find their ways for the day. Niamh would be fine, like always.

“I was out till the arse crack of dawn, Niamh,” I groaned back. “I’m beyond tired."

My comforter was ripped off me at that. “Edel Lorraine Harkin!”

I rolled on my back and dragged both hands down my sleep-deprived face. “Fine!” I flung my feet off the side of the twin-sized bed. “Why don’t we wake the whole complex while we’re at it?”

Stomping across my 2x4 room, I flung open my dresser, only to be met with three options. Not including my dressing gown that I swiped from Teresa a few floors down, my wardrobe consisted of my green and blue uniform, a pair of trousers, and two shirts. The clothes that weren’t for school were on a constant rotation depending on what I could trade with the other kids in my flat complex. Right now, I was pretty satisfied with what I had and wasn’t planning on trading anytime soon. Next to the multi-colored, striped t-shirt was probably my most prized possession. I had received the pink and red tie-front top from my old neighbor, Joan, since she was ditching us for some rich fella deeper into the city. Couldn’t say I was sad to see her go, especially when it meant receiving such a gorgeous top.

“God, you look like shite.”
Clutching the door to my wardrobe, I turned to glower at my best friend. I knew my long, blond hair probably resembled a rat's nest more than anything at the moment, and my face was puffy from lack of sleep, so I couldn’t really argue back. “You always look like shite, Nia.”

She chuckled. “C’mon,” she said, making her way to the rickety slab of wood that was a poor excuse for a door. “My Ma made some rashers.”

My stomach grumbled in response.

Throwing on my school skirt and jumper, I legged it out of my room for the bathroom. As expected, I looked a mess. I hadn’t made it back to my flat till 4 am this morning, and that was more than evident.

You wouldn’t have to if you just left.

That thought had lingered in my mind since the ripe age of twelve, the first time my Ma had forced my hand. Every day, simply packing up and leaving was becoming more and more enticing. But when I walked out of that bathroom after fixing myself up, I knew I couldn’t.

Ma was passed out on the couch as usual, everything about her being a reflection of me–and I despised it. If it weren’t for the copious amounts of cocaine she ingested almost every day, I would consider her beautiful. The red blemishes that marred her skin were getting to the point of gruesome, and her golden hair was as thin as ever, along with the bluish skin under her eyes.
I couldn’t stand the look of her, it made my stomach roil in disgust. Disgust might have been harsh, but there was no other word to describe the feeling I got when I saw a woman I thought I loved reduce her value down to a substance. Literally.

There was no point in grabbing anything from the adjoined kitchen to bring over to the Balfe’s, because I knew there was nothing in there. Besides, I had already foolishly checked at 4 am this morning.

Clambering into my shoes, I winced as I heard Ma begin to stir. That woman could sleep through just about anything, so I was never really courteous when it came to loud sounds.

“Edel,” I heard her croak. “Is that you, love?”

My shoulders coiled in on themselves. “Yeah, Ma.”

Turning from my point at the front door, I watched as my Ma slowly pulled herself up into a sitting position whilst hacking up a lung.

“Would you be a dear and grab my cigarette box and a light?”

I sighed. Clutching my school bag, I swiped the cigarettes and lighter off the kitchen counters and brought it over to her.

“Good on ye,” she praised. Popping a cigarette in her mouth, she wrapped her satin dressing gown tighter around her frail build before giving it a light. I knew that dressing gown was the only thing concealing her dignity since I didn’t think this woman had owned a piece of clothing since I was born.

“I’m off,” I announced as I spun on my heel.

“Wait,” she called out, causing my spine to stiffen. “I need it, love.”

Love. Sure, Ma.

“What do you need it for?” I pushed, already knowing the answer as if it had been tattooed onto my brain.

“I’m not playing games with you, Edel,” she said, extending a hand. “Either you hand it over or we don’t make rent.”

“I can drop it off at the office on my way to school,” I protested.

Her face hardened to something almost desperate. “Please, love. I work just as hard as you to keep this family afloat.”

This family being a junkie and a bastard born daughter.

I knew she worked almost as much as I did, but where her money actually went to rent, mine was dolled out for her next fix. When that was eventually blown within a day or two, it put her in debt. Put me in debt. It was an endless, visceral cycle.

Still, I relented as I noticed the beads of sweat that began accumulating on her brow. She had gotten so reliant that the rare times she wasn’t off her rocker, she began to immediately go through withdrawals. I knew if I didn’t fork over the money, the tremors would follow suit. Or worse, she could have another seizure.

It had been my fault. The last time I tried to keep the money I made to get groceries, I had arrived back home to Ma violently thrashing on the floor, foam spilling from her lips. If it hadn’t been for Niamh’s Ma, Miriam, who was a nurse, she would have surely died since I had not a clue what to do. The sight of my Ma’s eyes rolling back into her head still haunted me in my sleep, along with the various other overdoses I had witnessed in my sixteen years of life.

If I withheld the money, I sentenced her to a quick death. If I handed over the money, I was offering her a slower death.

Of course, I handed over my earnings from last night. “Sixty punt,” I said, pushing my fifteen percent cuts into her hand.

It could have been so easy to leave the money in my school bag and leave.

Just. Leave.

“You’re the best.” She offered me a total change in demeanor with a smile that I knew was only reserved for when she got her way. “Will you be home for dinner?”

That was a fun little game we liked to play with each other. She asked me if I would be home after school, and if I wasn’t planning on it, it meant she could bring one of her men over. It was much less vulgar than her outright asking, “Oh sweet daughter of mine, would it be ok if I brought one of the men that buys my services over while you make yourself busy elsewhere?”

At least she had some sense to ask rather than outwardly kick me out. Our game started after I had arrived home after a day in second year when I had walked in on my mom splayed out on her back on the very couch I was standing before.

I hadn’t come home for a week after that.

“No, Ma. I’ll make myself busy.”

I begrudgingly made my way to the door once more when her parting words made my face turn sour. “You’re my favorite daughter, Edel.”

If a girl my age–or any age for that matter–forked over enough money for her next fix, I’m sure they would be too.

“About time!” My loud best friend announced upon my arrival at the unit across from mine.

Rather than addressing her first, I made a beeline for the woman cooking up breakfast over the burner. I smacked a kiss on her cheek that was slightly curtained by her brunette hair. “Hello, Mammy Miriam.”

“Hello, pet,” she said, her plump cheeks pulling up from the sweet smile she offered me. “Grab a plate, will ye.”

Without hesitation, I snatched up an empty plate and piled on the rashers and scramble the wonderful lady had cooked up. I had nothing but respect for Miriam since she truly did not have to live in such a dump. Nonetheless, raise a family here. She was more than determined to work in an underprivileged area, and I couldn’t be less than grateful for that. I wouldn’t have a Mam of my own if she hadn’t moved here with Niamh and her son.

“Will,” I said, greeting the eldest Balfe. I scuffed up his ginger hair and was immediately met with a swat to the arm. My eyes narrowed. “You really want to throw down this early?” I threatened. “We know what happened last time.”

“Because you held a fork to my throat,” he grumbled around some scramble.

“It was deserved,” Niamh chided. “You took my Opal Fruits.”

“Ma got those for me, prick.” He pointed at his sister across the small table. “Not you.”

“Language, William,” Miriam threw over her shoulder.

Will threw his arms up in disbelief, and I had to smother a laugh. “Did you not hear me, Ma? I’m the victim here.”

That time I did laugh.

“The only victim here is me,” Niamh argued. “I’m down a pack of Opal Fruits!”

“How about you lot pack it in and eat,” Miriam scolded. “You have five minutes if you want to make it to school on time.”

While most kids in my complex made it to school whenever they so damned pleased, the Balfe’s and I held each other accountable. Miriam always likes to remind us that if we want more options in life, we have to stick to school. I was ninety percent sure that was directed at me rather than her own children, since they had many options when it came to money or family members who gave them opportunities elsewhere. Miriam had gone to uni in Birmingham for Christ's sake, why she stuck it out here, I haven't a clue.

Swallowing down my last bite, I rinsed my dish and put it on the draining board. “Thanks as always,” I said to Miriam as Niamh dragged me outside. Will was at our back as always, probably had it in his head that he was some big guard dog. While he had some height, I was the one who would bite if coerced.

The first days of summer were beginning to poke their heads through the glum clouds that drowned the skies of Ballymun. I was glad that I had decided to tie my long hair up; otherwise, I would be dripping sweat down the back of my neck.

“You alright, doll?”

“Hm? Why wouldn’t I be?” If I were being honest, there were many reasons I wouldn’t be, but I dealt with them all on a daily basis, so I didn’t understand why it would be any different today.

“Nothing.” I raised a skeptical brow. “Ok fine,” Niamh was quick to relent. “You just seem more tired than usual.”

That would be Kipper pushing the finish line.

“It’s grand,” I said, shrugging her off.

“Is yer Ma giving you trouble again?” Will had the balls to ask.

“When is she not?”

Shrugging, he said, “Fair enough.”

“You're always welcome to stay with us,” Niamh said, slinging an arm around my shoulders. “You’ll always have me, doll.”

That's how it had been since the day she had knocked on my door all those years ago. If she had done that a door down, she might have lost a rib, but luckily, it had been me. All alone in that flat, desperate for food, I walked over to her flat, and the rest had been history.

Chapter Text

Edel

St. Brigid’s all-girls secondary school was an antagonizer's wet dream. If there wasn’t some absurd rumor spread about you as soon as you stepped foot into first year; you weren’t enrolled. If you want to be a full-marks student; better luck in the next life because the girls at the school would not let that happen on their watch.

This school was more of a glorified social club than anything.

Will had parted ways with Niamh and me just down the road for the all-boys school five minutes ago. Now, we were coming up to our schoolhouse, and I was dreading it. Not that I was bullied like a lot of the other girls, or even hated academics. It just bored the ever-loving shite out of me. I got decent marks and people were relatively friendly to me, it was that nothing interested me. I swear I have learned more out on the streets of Ballymun than in my ten-plus years of formal education.

Want to learn maths? Barter with shop owners or people in your complex. Want to learn how to cook? Go down the street near the local park stream, I’m sure they're cooking up something down there. Basic survival skills were doled out by the masses here, and I took full advantage of them.

“Sister Catherine,” I said by greeting as I entered my first class of the day. It was general sciences, and I was more than ready to put my head down and have a good rest. My usual spot was in the back, right next to Niamh, who would cover for me if our teacher got suspicious. There were about three minutes till the bell rang, and there were already two snakes biting at my ankles. My head had barely hit the desk when a voice whispered at my back, “Tired from being a slut all night?”

Here we go…

Tory, the girl who couldn’t get enough of Bethany’s antics, tagged on, “Just like her Mammy isn’t that right?” If I were actually on the hunt for a bully, then yeah, I would react. But nine times out of ten, I ignored it. It wasn’t like their parents had insanely respectable jobs to be chatting shit. I knew Niamh was fuming on my side, but she wasn’t much of a fighter. While she could scream her head off for daft reasons, confrontation was not her forte.

I had heard it all when it came to my Ma’s work and addiction. The only thing keeping me from clobberin the two eejits was knowing their Ma’s were in the same boat as mine. While they want to take it out on other people, I knew how to restrain myself and not be a total arsehole.

When the bickering continued, Niamh surprised me by saying, “Will you two lay off already? It’s getting old.”

Silence.

“The other slut talks,” Bethany cooed. I felt the mock surprise prickle the back of my neck, and it caused my jaw to twitch.

“God, Bethany not every girl in this school that you don’t like is a slut,” Niamh hissed back.

Keep the head, keep the head, keep the head, I silently pleaded to myself.

“No, you’re right,” Bethany chided. “Just the girls that have Conor Flanagan's hands down their knickers behind the chemist’s.”

Yup, that’ll do it.

I shot so fast out of my seat that it clattered down to the floor. One look at Niamh’s flushed, devastated face was enough for me to reach across Bethany’s desk and latch onto her collar. “I didn’t realize we were doing public record reports,” I seethed directly into her freckled face.

“No, Edel.” Niamh was pulling at my jumper. “You’re on warning!”

I didn’t give a singular fuck if I was on warning or not.

“Let go of me,” Bethany screeched. That only made my grip hold tighter.

“Call me slut all you want but not her,” I informed Bethany. “In fact,” I throttled her collar to ensure I had her undivided attention, ready to double down. “You’re boyfriend, Ryan? Yeah, he really likes this slut right here,” I gestured to myself with my free hand, “If you want the whole story make sure you take it up with him because I’m sure he would like to talk about how much he loved my knickers.”

“Edel!” Sister Catherine and Niamh simultaneously yelled throughout the bustle of the whole classroom, up in arms.

It was a total lie. The only time I had talked to Ryan was on the pitch after school, and even then, they were clipped comments. But if the prude in front of me believed it–and by the scarlet coloring on her face, I was pretty sure I hit my mark–then I had done my job.

“You–” Bethany was cut off as we were wrenched apart. A slap to my face came so fast that my head jerked to the side. Pain pricked my face at a scorching rate, causing me to stumble back and brace my weight back onto my desk.

“That is enough, Miss Harkin!” Sister Catherine shouted. “You will go to the headmaster's office immediately!”

The room was so silent, you could hear a pin drop. Girls were out of their seats, watching me like I was some caged animal. My gaze flicked to Niamh, whose face was shrouded with shame and harsh disappointment in her eyes.

Disappointment, of all things.

Bethany was crying into Tory’s arm as she consoled her. Good. Maybe that would finally shut her up. I had no remorse for a girl who would purposefully shame another girl just because they were insanely insecure.

“I’ll see you later, Nia,” was all I said as I scooped up my bag and shouldered my way through the crowd that had formed.

There was no way in hell that I was going to the headmaster's office since I already knew the outcome of that particular visit. As Niamh said, I was on warning since I had gotten into approximately five altercations this year–that they caught. I wasn’t going to waste my time on another several slap to the knuckles by a ruler and a lecture. Instead of going to the front office, I strolled out of St. Brigids, still seeing red, and legged it to the community park.

There were very few things I could rely on in my life but the few things that I could, were the lads on the pitch during school hours. While I didn’t know many of their names–nor cared to find out–they were always there from the beginning of school till about midday classes started so they were still accounted for attendance-wise.

I never cared that I was usually playing in my school attire, as long as I had the soccer ball in front of me, none of the bullshit in my life mattered. It was less than a two-minute walk till I saw a game going on in full force. Standing on the sidelines were a few of my favorites having a light.

Sneaking up from behind and snatching up the joint in Conan’s lips, I got the three lads' attention.

“Edel,” Conan said with a pleasantly surprised lilt to his voice. “Haven't seen you in a while.”

I sucked in a deep drag of the joint, immediately feeling the sharp edge within me dull. Hash I could do any day, but the harder stuff that my Ma and most of this town consumed was a hard line I wouldn’t cross. My head felt lighter, and the rage that had consumed me earlier slowly ebbed away as I passed the joint to my left, where Ryan stood. “I’m just going to preemptively apologize to you.” Part of me felt guilty as his dark brows pinched in confusion, but again, I had no remorse.

“What brings you here then?” Conan asked, arms folded over his broad chest. “Or more like, what did you do?”

I could have feigned offense, but there was no point. Majority of the time I showed up to the pitch was because I had gotten the boot from the headmaster or some nun. “I called myself a slut,” I said in a tone that was far more mild than it would have a few seconds ago.

An amused snort barreled out of Conan. “Is that so?”

“The sluttiest,” I said, tone dripping with sarcasm. I peeked around the tall boy I had known for years, to the pitch. “So did you lot just start?” In other words, can I just hop in?

The boy that I had never seen before let out an exasperated huff of air. He had blonde curls like Conan and could definitely be a couple of years younger than me. I had come here to get away from pricks, not run into more. “Is something funny?” I asked towards him directly.

“Well, you’re a girl,” he gestured to me as if it weren’t obvious.

“Pack it in, Cian,” Conan sighed. “She’s not the one.”

“You’re just saying that because you have a big ol’ crush on her ye bollocks.”

“Cian!”

I raised my hand, not looking for Conan to step in for something I could easily handle myself. Although Cian and I were fairly matched in height, I knew better than to physically go after him. “Last time I checked, the women's association football league has had a better record the past two years than the men did,” I informed.

It had been two years since the woman got their own league, and I had practically fallen out of my chair at the Balfe’s when I read the morning paper. Will and Niamh had called me ridiculous for having such a huge reaction, but considering I had continuously been told soccer was for men every time I walked onto the pitch, I took the damn win.

“Didn’t they only play one game last year, and it was a draw?” Cian quipped.

“Didn’t the men's team play five international games and lose all of them?” My thoughts were still as sharp as ever, even while my body felt like it was floating. No longer did I feel like I had to throttle something or someone; all I had to do was get on that pitch, and I would be in heaven.

“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is, Cian?” Conan jumped in to say. “You go skins,” he said, pointing to the smaller prick, then he shifted to me. “Shirts. Obviously.”

“I don’t think it would be obvious to yer wan,” I threw over to Ryan.

“What?”

“Nothing."

Conan called out two names from each team to come in and swap and adrenaline instantly pumped into my veins. I was the epitome of calm, cool, and collected all while bouncing on my toes as I waited for the stringy guy to come and tag me in.

“Wait, Edel,” Conan said, snagging my attention last minute. “About what that twat said–”

“It’s grand,” I cut him off by saying. “We're friends. Always will be.”

His face fell at that, and I knew exactly why. There had always been talks of Conan and me being an item. He was a year older than I and was a very kind lad, but I was far from the type to settle down with anyone. Relationships required intimacy, and that simply wasn’t in my blood.

“Uh, yeah,” he said, trying to keep a positive lilt to his voice even though I had outwardly shut him down for the first time. “Friends.”

I had come here to play, not get caught up in drama dammit.

“I’ll see yuh out there,” I said, patting his shoulder before sprinting out onto the pitch.

Wolf whistles erupted the second I touched the green, and I sank right back into the high I was trying to ride. “I’m going middle,” I said to no one in particular, but if the tall lad in my position didn’t move over to winger, then I would get very particular.

Luckily for him, he moved to left winger, and I took up my position. Cian, on the other hand, was apparently a goalie, and I was going to make sure this would be the most unlucky game he’d ever play.

Sucking in a deep breath of the warm, damp air, I waited for Conan to give the go-ahead for the kick-off. As soon as he did, I was zipping across the pitch. I didn’t even wait to see who had possession because if I had, then it would take time away from getting up. I needed to be ready.

Shirts had the ball by the time I got to centerfield, and I yelled like a madman trying to get the midfielder's attention. I was wide open and ready to punch the ball directly into Cian’s dome.

Only problem was, the midfielder was intentionally ignoring me.

Pricks. Every last one of ye.

The ball was getting held up in a scuffle in the left corner. It was too late for a pass now since one of their defenders was now on me. Searching around, I saw that every forward and midfielder was covered and wasn’t attempting to help our teammate being double-teamed.

Finding that no one was going to help the poor lad, I took it upon myself to attack. Bopping back and forth for a few fleeting seconds, I blasted off in the direction of the scuffle. Coming up directly behind one of the largest fuckers on the pitch, I made eye contact with my teammate and nodded my head, a silent confirmation for him to send it.

Shoving his whole weight into getting around the two defenders, the massive player I had snuck up behind stumbled and fell right onto me. Air whooshed from my lungs, and I spluttered, but there was no time to regain my composure. Feeling far too in my element, I scrambled away from the defender and dashed for the goal.

Now it was Ryan who had the ball and I silently apologized to him one last time for all the hell Bethany would reign down on him. “Ryan!” I shouted, getting his attention. “Pass! Pass!”

I was running to the point that if the pass was even remotely off, I would blow right past it and into a goalpost.

“Go!” The ball came flying towards me and landed directly before my feet. I beamed as I dribbled, faked left, then cocked back my right foot to let it rip.

I was a little disappointed to find that Cian had dove for the left fakeout, but it sure did make for a clean goal.

Being used to the wonky smiles and the rare “good jobs,” I made my way back to my position to reset. If it were Ryan who had scored, the team would have erupted into cheers, but no, I wasn’t privy to that even though I scored the majority of the goals for my team.

The matches went on, and I continued to revel in the free hits I was getting off of Conan’s hash. If this were all I had to do in life, maybe I’d be content with just that. Maybe. There was always some pest that lived in my head telling me to do more-that I wasn’t doing enough. Soccer wasn’t my calling in life, and I knew that. There was no way I wanted to play professionally either–if there was even a chance of that. It was the two sides I constantly fought with; either stay in my comfortable circle in Ballymun with a piss-poor Ma and recreational soccer or get the hell out of here. The more I dove into the former, the harder it was for me to even consider the ladder. This was my life, and maybe it was about time I accepted that.

“Hey, kid.” The fog in my head parted at the grimy voice at my back. I was standing on the sidelines and debated on simply running back onto the pitch even though it wasn’t my turn to rotate in.

Since when did Kipper find me in the middle of the day?

“You have a job, and it’s urgent.”

I turned to the downright scary-looking lad who held me in the palm of his hand. “Can we do this somewhere else?” I practically begged as eyes knowingly turned in my direction.

He nodded in the direction of the nearby tree. “Grab your bag and let's have a chat.”

Dread pooled in my stomach. Always did when Kipper had a job for me.

Picking up my school bag I had discarded upon arrival, I strolled over to meet the man who was old enough to be my father. Christ, who knows, maybe he was.

“Maeve’s in deep this time,” he chided.

“What?” I was quick to ask. “I gave her sixty this morning. How is that possible?”

“That’s not my place, and you know it.”

No, because your place is to only suck the life out of her–and me.

I wanted nothing more than not to be angry right now. Why couldn’t I just keep my head down and be the good little dealer that I was? This was my life and the only source of income I could ever obtain because my Ma couldn’t help but rack up a debt every time she needed a fix. Kipper had come to me after her first debt issue when I was thirteen.

“Either you fulfill the debt with work, or it's yer Ma’s life. You choose.”

I had chosen the slower death. Of course.

“How much?” I asked, reluctantly.

He pushed back his excessively oily hair like this was light banter between pals. Only the number he told me made it seem like I was standing in front of an outright monster.

“Hundred punt.”

I balked. “A hundred?”

He took it a step further by lifting my bag from my side and opening the flap. My eyes went wide as he put a full kilo of bagged white powder directly into my possession. “Flat’s twenty-four and fifty-six in the ten-story.” All I could see were blood vessels in his eyes as I continued to watch him in awe. “If they ask,” he placed a kilo of hash in my bag, “tell them it’s pure white. I need this done before sundown.”

“Is it not?”

“Had to make up for the empty space with some tabs.” His beefy palm came up to cup my face, and it took every bone in my body not to flinch away. “You know I'm telling you this because you’re my number one girl, right? I trust you not to go running your gob.”

Some sick and twisted part of me was pleased to know that he trusted me with such expensive items. I nodded, and he pulled back.

“What if I don’t?” I immediately regretted the words as soon as they left my tongue. Where did that even come from? I hadn’t dared to ask that question since he had initially sought me out.

His entire demeanor shifted to something far darker. The only thing keeping me from trembling was knowing that Conan was over by the sideline. Even then, would he help me if Kipper decided to hurt me after I had publicly rejected him? Kipper had never physically harmed me, but I did not doubt that he was capable of it.

“I might just have to show ye.”

I had no time to ask him what he meant by that, he was already gone. Asking him to elaborate or not, I already knew the answer, and I was terrified.

Chapter Text

John

“Not this again!” Tiernan shouted from across the record shop. He was working the after-school shift, and what else did we have to do but rag on him?

Chaka Khan’s I'm Every Woman, was blasting on the record player courtesy of his girlfriend, Ellen Mackey. I, of course, was joining in on the ear-piercing rendition of the song.

Behind the counter, Tiernan pinched the bridge of his nose. “You eejits are going to get me fired.”

“Oh loosen up,” I said, coming around behind the counter to shake his shoulders. “Daddy O’Neill won’t be here for another few hours, and you know it.”

Ellen’s mop of red curls bounced as she skipped over to the front of the counter. Bending back to where her head splayed over the top of the counter, she began mouthing the chorus of the song.

“You play it, you buy it,” Tiernan warned. Ellen popped up and snatched Tiernan by the collar from across the counter. Dragging him from my grip, she smacked a kiss onto his lips. “Is that payment enough?” She said, pulling away.

Well, damn.

Once Ellen was out of earshot I muttered to Tiernan, “That girl’s going to fly away if you don’t get your shit together, lad.”

He shot me a scathing look that definitely said, Trust me, I know.

I laughed, shoving him once more. “We’re heading to the golf club, you coming with us after your shift?”

“What do you think?” He shot back. “I’m there every day with you lot.”

I threw my hands up in mock surrender. “Just thought I’d ask. No need to get your trousers wet.”

“What does that even mean?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know.” Turning to where the redhead was running a muck, I shouted over the music, “You staying or going, El?”

“Staying!” She sang.

“Alright.” I made my way over to the door. “I’ll see ya in a few.”

The bell above the door chimed along with my escape, nearly missing what I was sure was going to be another verbal bollocking between those two. Stepping along the road, I sucked in a deep breath of the Ballylaggin air. It was gloomy as per usual, but something about an overcast day was my favorite. Not too hot and sunny, but also not pissin it down to where it made getting around insufferable. Although I had a ride (a red Ford Capri that I cherished with every fiber of my being), rain was the bane of my existence.

It was a short ride over to the Callahan Golf Club, and my biceps were already buzzing to get to swinging as soon as I got behind the wheel. School had been the usual stress-inducing mess that it was, and I was more than ready to get a move on one of my extracurriculars. Those were for me and only me.

The open fields became more frequent, green as far as the eye could see. It was when the large clubhouse obstructed the vast greenery that I began to get antsy.

The golf club was a massive stone building that housed some of the most prestigious golfers' subscriptions in southern Ireland, and because I was a player at Tommen, I got free rein of the place. I was already dressed and ready for the rounds today, and apparently, my team was as well. It was Liam’s seventeenth, and the lads seemed more than ready to get the rounds over with and get to celebrating.

“Let’s get a move on, Kav,” Liam yelled from the entrance as I came up from the car park. “Got places to be.”

“Yeah, places as in getting your hole–” I cut myself off as Mr. Callahan began descending the stairs to the clubhouse. “In one. Getting your hole-in-one. Because it’s your birthday.” The geezer eyed me from under his golf cap. “Of course,” I finished, running a hand through my dark hair.

Liam and my other teammate, Eoin Cregg, erupted into laughter.

“Real nice save there, boy,” Mr. Callahan said, clapping me on the back. He turned, facing all of us. “Nothing that causes me a fortune, ye hear?” His tone was filled with warning even though half the time he enabled our shit.

“Don’t worry, Gramps,” Liam reassured him. “We won’t be staying around here.”

That was for goddamn sure. When we had my birthday celebrations here, back in November, Liam had reassured us that the whiskey he had swiped from the club bar would go unnoticed. Little did we know it was something his Grandpa had imported from the America’s called bourbon . I swear, Liam had seen God the moment he got the news. We all did.

“Good lad yourself.” He was past us when he added, “Your Grans making a roast, so you better be there for supper. All of ye.”

“Good, 'cause where we're going, we’ll need a full stomach,” Liam said in a lower tone, before shouting back to his old man, “We’ll be there.”

“Would ya tell us where we're going already?” Eoin groaned. “Kav’s here, so get on with it.”

“But what about Tiernan?” Liam protested.

I decided to finally chime in. “He’ll be here.”

“No, no, no, I know what that means.” He shot a pointed finger at me. “Ellie’s there, isn’t she?”

“Hey,” I threw up my arms. “Don’t act like it’s my fault.”

“Just drag the man out of there. Save him from the same damn argument every time.”

“Not really my place, lad.”

“But-”

“Liam!” Eoin interjected, finally getting the blonde eejits attention. “Where are we going?”

With a more than exaggerated sigh, he muttered, “The new disco in town.” He perked up as he added, “But not the pub that everyone tries to convince themselves is a disco. An actual one.”

“And how would you know what makes an actual disco?” Eoin pushed.

“The girls,” Liam said, waggling his brows.

I had no idea what he was getting on about, and he seemed to pick up on that.

“Like proper girls , lads,” he pressed like this were a dire situation. “I’ve seen 'em. They dress up in these ridiculously sparkly, and might I also say, ridiculously tiny tops as they go in.”

“You don’t say?” I had just opened the floodgates, and I knew it.

“Right! So you’re all in?”

“Well, I didn’t say that.” And I couldn’t. It was Thursday, which meant if I wanted to keep my extracurriculars, I had to tend to the farm afterward. I was really banking on being able to grab a pint at the clubhouse bar and calling it a night. But, no. Of course, Liam had other plans.

“Oh, cop off, Kav,” Liam groaned. “Eoin’s in, therefore you have to be.”

“When did I say that?”

“Since now.”

“Bring that twin sister of yours, and maybe I’ll consider it.”

Shit.

“You fucker!” Liam shoved Eoin. “You keep her out of this. It’s my birthday.”

“Yeah, but it's also hers. Maybe I can give her a present later-”

“Pack it in!” I yelled, grabbing hold of Liam's collar before he could pummel Eoin’s pretty-boy face in. Both of them were evenly matched at around six feet, but my bet was on Liam based on the barbaric look on his face. And once that guy got going, it was hard for him to pump the brakes. “I came here to play some golf. If I wanted a fight, I would have stayed at the record shop.”

“Keep her name out of your filthy mouth, ya eejit.” Liam had the better sense to pull back once he realized I had a firm grip on him.

“Golf first, planning afterward.” It was the best I could offer when it came to mediating these two.

“Fine,” Liam said, straightening himself. “I’ve got to go get my hole,” he clipped me over the head, “in one.”

He was already through the entrance before I could retaliate.

“I call buggy.” I didn’t wait for Eoin’s reaction before I booked it with my clubs around the clubhouse. It also didn’t matter if it was Liam’s birthday, I was going to drive whether he liked it or not. The eejit wasn’t a bad driver but I was not going to be blamed again for driving the buggy into a ditch after Liam had been the one to tank it.

I was surprised to find that Liam hadn’t gotten there, but I wasn’t going to let that show. I threw my clubs into the boot as well as myself into the driver's seat. Eoin was the first to come barreling out of the clubhouse straight towards where I was in the buggy park. He was dangling the keys as if they were some ribbon for a prized mare.

“Move it!” I encouraged him by saying.

Liam was running after him, three bottles of beer in hand. “Get the fuck out, Kav!”

Eoin threw me the keys and I reached to snatch them out of the air. He dove into the passenger seat while I started the ignition, an infectious laugh spilling from his lips. 

Now he was the bad driver .

I was at least glad he knew it, which meant no arguing for the wheel. 

“Punch it, lad!”

I did exactly that. Liam was coming up close when I swerved out of the parking space, but it wasn’t fast enough. “Not without me!” The bollocks tumbled into the boot, shoving the buggy onward just as I had slammed the gas. We rolled down onto the green at impressive speed. Without letting up, I took the lads and me on a joyride. Call it a birthday present.

~

Tiernan had met us at the fourth hole, and we had gone on to the usual nine-hole practice. Our coach only showed up on Mondays for our actual tournaments, so four days out of the week–and most weekends–the lads and I were at the golf course, beers in hand and having some good craic.

Eoin and Liam had piled into Tiernan’s Volkswagen Passat while I kept to my ride, telling them I’d meet them later.

We all knew that was a lie.

It was rare for me to go out since my schedule was jam-packed 24/7. When I wasn’t at school or doing my extracurriculars, I was on the farm.

My family had one of the biggest plots in all of Ballylaggin, courtesy of the Kavanagh legacy, which meant major upkeep was constantly needed. And my father liked nothing more than to always remind me of that.

“You’re Mam isn’t making me pay that tuition for nothing, Jonathan,” Dad said, pale in hand. “Get to feeding.”

That was our deal. If it were up to him, I’d be on the farm full time like that Feely kid was in the next plot over.

“Right.” I grabbed the pail of chicken feed and prepared for a long night of not going to the disco.

“Do you need anything before I call it a night?”

“I’m grand, Dad.”

He gave me a nod as he scratched at his round gut that pushed against the wool jumper Mam had made for him.

It wasn’t that I despised the rule or even that my father was an unfair man–in fact, it was rare that we butted heads. I had a nice home, we had money, and it went towards a nice school that my brother and I attended. I had no right to complain, yet I wanted nothing more than to say to hell with it and meet up with the lads at the disco.

I hadn’t even been to a disco but I knew it was better than cleaning up cow shit and getting my ankles plucked at by some territorial cocks.

Bringing the pail along with me, I went to the part of the plot that was designated for the chickens and began my night's work.

Chapter Text

Edel

I hadn’t made the exchange.

Something deeply primal in me had told me to make the mad dash back to my complex. With a kitchen knife that I kept in my school bag and a prayer, I sat outside the Balfe’s flat and prepared for the worst.

I knew Kipper hadn’t come after my Ma because of the god-awful sounds coming from across the hall. I kept my hands over my ears as I sat, back against Niamh’s door like I had been doing for the past several hours. It was locked as usual, which I could only hope was a good thing.

Niamh should have been back by now and it was getting to the point where I would have to go out and search the whole damn town just to get some peace of mind.

A loud thud came at my back like something had fallen, and I finally lowered my hands.

“Hello?”

Nothing.

“Miriam?”

I pounded my fist on the door. Earlier, I had knocked and no one had answered, presumably because both siblings were off at school and Miriam was at work. Now, my nerves were frantic.

“Open up!” I begged.

There was a groan, but not one of distress, and it hadn't originated from across the hall either. It was muffled, tired even.

“Will?” That’s who it sounded like. It had to be. “Just open the door, please.”

There was some fumbling with the handle before the door was haphazardly thrown open. “Oh my god, Will.” I was beyond relieved to see him, but it was short-lived when I saw his posture and the droopiness of his eyelids.

“What did you take?” I asked, immediately flagging his behavior.

“It’s all good, Harkin,” he slurred. There was an imprint on his cheek like he had been lying down for quite some time. I rushed him, guiding him to the kitchen table right behind him.

“Bullshit,” I snipped. “Jesus, Will, you’re entirely strung out. Did you even make it to school?”

A lucid chuckle escaped his lips as his head swayed. “Don’t worry about it, Ma’s not worried.”

Was that supposed to reassure me?

“Was it coke? Tabs? Weed?” I pushed. “Give me something to work with here.”

It was like a switch went off in his brain. His hand slammed against the table, sending the napkin holder flying. “You sound just like her!”

This was so unlike him. Sure, I’d seen him indulge, but this was different. He was more erratic–unpredictable.

I paused, knowing this could be insanely dangerous, but I needed to know. Gripping his wrist, I pulled up the sleeve of his school button-up. “Get off of me, you bitch!” He roared, trying to shake me off. It was too late for that. I had seen them. Track marks as gnarly as they got were all over his inner arms.

I stumbled back in shock. “How long, Will? You know better!”

“Oh, that’s real,” he paused, gulping before saying, “That's real cute coming from you .”

I knew what he was getting at, but it didn’t stop the sting from landing. “Look, I know I don’t have much room to talk,” I prefaced. “But you do. You’re smart, Will. You have a great family, don’t let this place poison that.”

“Not anymore,” he grumbled, not looking at me. I wasn’t sure he was even capable of keeping his gaze on one thing for more than a couple of seconds.

“What do you mean?” I asked, my tone going weak.

“I fucked it, Edel.” He slumped back into his chair, palms coming up to rub his face. “She left. They both left,” he shuddered, “Because of me.”

That had to be the high talking. There was no way he was referring to who I thought he was.

“You’re lying.” I shoved at his chest. “They wouldn’t just leave me–they would just leave!”

“Oh, while we're at it.” He shot to his feet, swaying slightly.

I wanted nothing more than for him to give it to me straight. But that was impossible. The langer wasn’t capable of having a normal conversation even if it was spoon-fed to him. Maybe that meant he was lying.

He clambered his way into his room, rummaging through some papers he had shoved in his wardrobe. I chased after him, worried that he might hurt himself. His face turned distraught as he frantically shook a piece of paper in my face. “Just take it and go!”

I jerked back to avoid a face full of paper. “I’m not leaving you in this state.”

He shoved the paper into my chest. “Take it or I’ll make you.”

My eyes widened at the threat, and I started to regret leaving my kitchen knife in the hall. “C’mon, Will.” I pushed as much false confidence in my voice as I could. “It’s me, Edel. You wouldn’t harm me. You’ve never even harmed a fly.”

“I drove Ma out. I’ll do just the same to you!”

He let go of the paper, and I snatched it up before it could fall to the ground. Running into the door frame, Will stumbled back to the kitchen.

“What are you–” I sucked in a sharp breath as he swiped a meat knife off of the kitchen counter.

“I’m broken!”

Oh, God.

“Just put the knife down and we can talk.”

“I don’t want to talk,” he seethed. “I want you out!” The knife wasn’t pointed at himself, no. The sharp tip was aimed right at me. “Everyone out!”

My stomach plummeted to the floor. Not just at his words, but at the small bag of black substance I saw on that floor that must have fallen from his person. I had never seen heroin of such a putrid, soulless color.

“What did Kipper give you?” If it were some new drug, I knew Kipper would be the first to sell it.

“I said leave!” He advanced, knife still pointed. He hadn’t lunged or taken a swipe at me, but there was no way I was going to sit like a deer in headlights.

“Please don’t do this, Will,” I begged, tears beginning to prick my eyes. “We can wait for Miriam–or Niamh–”

This time he did lunge.

Narrowly avoiding the blade, I swerve towards the door.

“They’re gone. No more of it," his words were more slurred this time.

“No more of what?”

He didn’t answer, only stumbled towards me.

“Will, please!” I couldn’t stop the tears this time. It was too devastating to see him in this state. Too devastating to hear that two of the most important people in my life were gone.

He was backing me towards the open door, my options running thin. “Ma made it clear she was taking Niamh.” His severity was starting to wane. With the knife trembling in his hands, his expression seemed to be fighting with the inner turmoil going on in his head.

All I could do was look at him as I panted ragged breaths.

The knife finally came clattering to the ground, narrowly missing my foot. He went down with it.

“It’s my fault,” he sobbed into his hands. “She said if I did it, she would leave.”

Pushing past my better judgment, I crouched in front of him, stuffing the paper he had given to me in my waistband. “She’ll be back,” I tried to soothe. Soothe who? I wasn’t entirely sure.

I offered him a grounding touch by placing a hand on his shuddering shoulder. He cried harder as the seconds passed, and then I think he finally registered what I had done.

In the blink of an eye, he swatted me away and lurched for the knife once more. I had fallen onto my back, halfway out of the door.

“Nobody wants you here!” He scratched at his skin as if it were crawling with bugs.

I didn’t know if it was my temper or my utter devastation that flared. I kicked at his knee. “Get the fuck away from me!” It didn’t matter that he was off his rocker; getting backed into a corner was not an option for me.

He let out a pained grunt before stumbling back into the table.

“Ya, know what?” I started as I picked myself up. “Maybe this is exactly the push I needed.”

I grabbed my bag, slinging it over my shoulder, I scowled down at him.

“About time you got it through that thick head of yours,” he laughed maniacally. There was no knife in my chest, but it sure felt like it. “Always starting shit. Working for the man that’s killing half this town.” He shoved a finger into his chest. “Killing me!”

He had never addressed it to me. Everyone, including Niamh, turned a blind eye when it came to what I did for money.

Gesturing to himself, he said, “Take a good look, you bitch. You did this to me.”

“No,” I cried, trying to muster the will to push back. “You did this. You have a wonderful Mother that always–”

I was cut off by a hand to my throat, snuffing out any oxygen that I tried to force into my lungs. “She's. Gone.”

I kicked and threw my arms, trying anything to get him off of me. His grip was bruising as he pushed and pushed, till finally, he chucked me across the hall. My back slammed against the wall, and with that, the door slammed shut.

Bringing my hands up to my throat, I let out a ragged sob. That was it. There was absolutely nothing left for me. I wasn’t going to get myself killed by trying to go back in there, and the door slightly to my left was a different type of hell I refused to traverse.

Stumbling out of my complex, I drank in the cool night air like it was water and I had been stuck in a desert.

I could roam around town till daybreak, then try to get a hold of Niamh.

She wouldn’t just leave me , I tried to convince myself. But if I were a mother and had one of my kids coming at me with a knife, I sure as hell would get the other one as far away as possible. I must have narrowly missed her. But that also would have meant Kipper would have sold Will that fucked up substance before our encounter earlier today.

I fell to my knees on the cracked pavement. “Oh, god.” Tears streamed down my face, and my neck simultaneously pulsated.

Something poked me in the stomach, causing me to straighten. Had Will managed to nick me without me noticing?

Pressing a hand to the wound, I sagged in relief at the sound of crumpling paper. Reaching for my waistband, I pulled the note out, a singular tear spilling onto the page. But I noticed it wasn’t the first. There were several dried tears on the off-white stationery. 

Unraveling it, I read the contents.

For when there’s space for us -H

Below was an address for someplace in County Cork. Composing myself, I stood. I wouldn’t survive another second out here if I made myself look vulnerable.

County Cork.

I had only been into the actual city of Dublin a couple of times, let alone out of the county. Did he expect me to go to this address?

Will had been out of fucking mind when he handed me this, yet it felt intentional. Like I needed to go.

It was a no-brainer. Either stay around here and face Kipper's wrath for all of eternity or get the hell out of here. I had finally reached my limit. This was it. I was leaving.

Chapter Text

Edel

Somehow, I had convinced myself that it wasn’t that bad. Somehow, I had put a blindfold over my eyes and turned the other way. Had I seen those track marks, hell, even picked up on Will’s habits sooner–who was I kidding? I wouldn’t have done a thing. Admitting that to myself made the guilt I had harbored for the past couple of days almost consume me entirely.

My fault.

Something I was still trying to accept was Will being right about that. I was a part of the problem yet, I had just sold to a guy behind a chippy for some food. Halfway through my journey, I realized I was still in my school uniform and had absolutely no food. Therefore, I needed money. That had led me to rediscover the hefty fortune I was carrying around with me. For me to survive out here, I needed to sell. And that tore me to shreds. 

Although it had only been a little over a day since I had left Ballymun, it had still managed to linger on every orifice of my being. Plenty of time to mull over everything that had happened late Thursday. Sleep was easy to come by–if you weren’t picky and able to shove your problems down so deep that they couldn’t even follow into slumber. Park benches, wooded areas, even unattended sheds had been places where I was able to rest. No way was I going to shut my eyes for a mere minute when I was bumming a ride off of some stranger.

I had no map and a dream to get as far away from home as possible.

And two kilos of drugs that would surely get me some major time behind bars.

While Kipper had always stressed that the Gardaí were always looking to stir up trouble. There hadn’t been any issues with the Gardaí that I knew of, but I was sure there would be a major issue with the amount that I had on me.

I was pretty sure it was Sunday.

The sun and road signs had been my best friend, along with the two, twenty-minute car rides I had been able to snag. There was no room to think about who I thought had been my best friend. I wasn’t going to allow the women from my past to detour my future. They were in the past, and I just had to accept that and move on. Had Miriam asked if I wanted to come with? I don’t know, maybe I would have dove into that passenger seat with her daughter without a second thought. But again, that’s the past now, and I can’t change that.

Right now, my main focus is trying to navigate this town. I had arrived in Ballylaggin a whopping fifteen minutes ago after making the final trek through farmland. Farmland. The Dublin area had some of that, but the farther south I got, the more greenery and wildlife became present.

It was also incredibly quiet. Peaceful even.

People smiled at me in the streets, and it took every part of me not to scowl at them. Whenever someone smiled at me in my complex, it was either because they wanted in my knickers or they wanted a sweeter deal on their next fix. I knew with absolute certainty these people had no idea who I was, yet it still felt like I was some isolate.

While I was nowhere near the address I had set out to find, I kept my pace up towards the only building that seemed relatively familiar. There were no other buildings like it, but it offered me a bit of comfort--even though it was just a disco.

“We're closed right now,” an older lady with curly grayish-blonde hair called back as she cleared off the bar top.

There was no specific reason as to why I had doddled into a disco in the middle of the day with nothing but a school bag and the simple clothes on my back. All I could do was stand there and let instinct take over. “Are you hiring?”

She paused, finally deigning to look at me. She took me in for all of two seconds, eyebrow raised as she asked, “How old are ya, pet?”

“Eighteen.” The lie fell from my tongue without hesitation.

Another analyzing once over.

Putting down the mug she had been wiping off, she placed a hand on her round hip. “You know, many don’t find this place very respectable . More than pays my bills but doesn’t earn me the nicest of interactions.”

It was more of a warning than anything.

Taking a few steps into the dimly lit space, I didn’t back down. “While I… appreciate the concern, I’m looking for just that. Money. Not heartfelt respect or well-wishers.”

“A Dub ain’t it?” She laughed, picking up on my accent.

Shit.

“I uh.” C’mon, think! “I just moved here. Wanted something quieter.”

Another cackle of a laugh. “So you look to work at a disco?”

My cheeks flushed hot. I opened my mouth for a rebuttal that probably would have doomed me, but the woman beat me to it. “Tell you what.” She gave me her undivided attention. “You have just the attitude for this place, so I’ll give you a trial run this week, and come Friday, we’ll see if I decide to keep ya.”

I couldn’t suppress my delight after days of uncertainty. “Ya mean it?”

“Name?”

“Edel.”

“They call me Gilly round these parts.” She pointed to the area behind me. “Doors open at eight and close at twelve under strict curfew. You tend before?”

No. “Yes.”

She barely gave me enough time to answer before continuing on her rant. “Well, I’m sure wherever you worked up south had more bustle than here, so it shouldn’t be too much anyway.” Lighting a cigarette between her lips, she nodded to a door past the bar. “A girl quit on me the first day. I’m pretty sure some of her stuff is still back there. Sure, she didn’t look like one of those Vogue lasses, but she was around the same size as you.”

“Well, alright then.” I made my way to the backroom but paused, admiring the light blue pigment she had on her eyelids. “Where did you get that?” I pointed.

She only nodded to the back once more with a quirked tilt of the lips.

I got to the backroom and sagged in relief to find plumbing and some supplies to wash up with. I was hungry, dirty, and dog tired, but that didn’t stop me from driving straight towards the thin rack of clothing. It was feathers and sparkles galore, but what really caught my eye was the pastel blue mini dress. I had never seen anything like it. While it was simple, the high neckline and open back were divine. If this is what she considers the uniform, I could definitely settle for working here.

Being a barmaid was something I could figure out as long as I could wear this dress till the seams ran thin… actually, I might just do exactly that.

Chapter Text

John

Focusing in class was easy for me–when there wasn’t a massive dunce trying to goad me into getting in trouble on the last day of school. I didn’t have much room to talk considering I was the biggest fucking enabler, but still, I wasn’t going to be proven wrong by Eoin. That guy was far to up his own ass for his own good.

Snip.

“You’re turn,” I said to Eoin as I handed him the scissors. His arms were folded over his chest as he eyed me wearily. “Chicken shit?”

Giving me a silent scoff, he took the scissors and leaned over his desk, slightly to his left. Our desks were in a staggered position, putting Liam Callahan directly between us in the row ahead. Eoin flicked his gaze between Mr. Thompson, who was wrapping up his last lecture in maths, and the tattered hem of Liam’s jumper that poked out from under the back of his seat.

Ever the calculated man, Eoin thinned his lips in concentration as he leaned over without causing a scene. We were three cuts in each, and since I had no plans on stopping. Neither did he.

Snip.

Three to four, now.

Eoin sagged back in his seat with a smug look on his face that said, Your turn, prick.

I snatched the scissors back. None of this would be happening if I hadn’t opened my gob, but no, I had to say, “I bet Cal hasn’t noticed that tear in his jumper.” One thing led to another, and Eoin ended up handing me a pair of scissors.

And who was I to back down from a challenge?

Without a doubt, I would buy Cal a new one. But it would be so worth it to wipe that smug look off my best friend's face. Granite, my other best friend, might end up clocking me in the face, but that was a later problem.

I was halfway to my target point on Liam’s back when I heard a not-so-natural cough coming from my right. Still leaning over, I watched Eoin as he watched Mr. Thompson, who just so happened to be watching me .

Busted.

“Mr. Kavanagh, what in God’s name are you doing?”

Liam was the first to whip his head around, catching me red-handed. He immediately followed the trajectory of which my hand was going, and I instantly knew I was in deep, unrelenting shit. “Oh, you are such a dead man, Kav.”

Just as he jumped up, I mirrored him, keeping both hands braced on my desk as I kept the shield between us.

“Mr. Callahan!”

“It’s Eoin’s fault!” I argued.

“Wow, thanks for throwing me under the bus.” He kept his face expressionless as he watched the impending throwdown.

The bell rang, giving most people an easy escape. Liam’s sister, Yvonne, on the other hand, had chosen to stick around and rub salt into the wound. “Your poor jumper, Liam.” She dared to sound disturbed by this revelation. Worst part was, I knew the girl was genuinely upset for him.

“I know Yv!” He shouted as he tried to roll around the desk to grab at me. “This asshole is going to pay for it!”

I kept up my mirroring moves. “I didn’t say I wouldn’t!”

Eoin was laughing then.

“That is enough, or you’ll both stay after school sorting the library.”

Liam was the first to come to a screeching halt at the prospect.

“Alright, that’s my cue,” Eoin said with utmost nonchalance. “Let’s go, Yv.”

“Don’t go with him!” Liam argued. “I know he had just as much of a hand in this,” he gestured to his backside, “as much as Kav did.”

That girl looked like she was stuck between a life-or-death situation. She was the definition of shy and indecisive, and in all ways--especially including physical--she was the total opposite of her twin.

“That’s it,” Mr. Thompson said, weaving towards us. “No more of this. You're staying–”

Putting a temporary truce on our issue at hand, a look of understanding passed between Liam and me.

“Go!” I wasn’t just talking to Yvonne.

Mr. Thompson was fast, but we were faster. Storming through the rows of desks, we shoved them as we made our escape. Yvonne anxiously squeaked as her brother dragged her along, with Eoin in tow.

“Have a good summer, Mr. Thompson!” I shouted just as I threw myself through the doors.

“Yeah?” He called out as we kept our speed up through the halls of Tommen College. “Soak it up because come sixth year, you’ll start with a week's detention.”

Yvonne stopped dead in her tracks, causing a domino effect with all of us screeching to a stop behind her. “Detention?” She balked. “But, sir.”

“Have a splendid summer, Miss Callahan.” He turned to close his door, but paused. “Maybe it's best you present yourself in a more womanly manner rather than doddling round with these boys.”

His door slammed, and as if it were an alarm, Eoin took a few meticulous steps, a deadly look in his eyes. I held a hand to his chest, stopping him from racking up a whole year's worth of detention.

“Not worth it, lad.”

He didn’t say anything, only looked at the door, then at Yvonne, whose face was flushed with embarrassment. I didn’t blame her. That prick of a teacher had no right to talk to her like that. It wasn’t her fault that all the girls in our year walked past her like she was some phantom wind.

“You owe me, Kav,” Liam sneered. Turning, I accepted my fate.

“Look…” I had nothing.

“No, no. It’s Friday, last day of school, and there's only one thing I want in return.”

It took me a second, then, “No,” I shot back. “Anything but that. I said I would buy you a new one.” I lowered my tone to a mumble. “Even though it was Clegg’s idea.”

One second Liam was in front of me, the next, he was socking Eoin square in the jaw. Eoin reared back. “Aw!” He said, rubbing his jaw. “What the fuck was that!”

“There,” Liam chided. Shaking out his large hand, he turned to me. “Now, you owe me.”

“Liam,” Yvonne chimed in softly. “What was that for?”

“Oh, don’t," he scoffed. "Now Clegg doesn’t owe me, and Kav does.”

I hated it when Liam got that little twitch to his brow. He had gotten me right where he wanted me.

“Disco.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

Liam went up in arms. “You’re such a swot! Schools out, and there's nothing left to study for. You’re coming out even if I have to dose you with that horse tranquilizer you have at yer gaff.”

“What horse tranquilizer?”

By the looks of it, Eoin knew exactly what he was talking about.

“That’s besides the point. You’re coming out with us, end of story.”

This was bad. The only reasoning I had was that Dad needed me home to tend to the farm. I couldn’t give the usual excuse like studies or other shite.

“Fine.” What the fuck was I saying? “I’ll have to see if my Mam needs me–”

“Absolutely not.” Liam was steering me straight for the exit. “If I let you out of my sight, I won’t see you till sixth year.”

“Oh, cop on,” I protested. “I’m no swot.”

“You kinda are, lad,” Eoin thought he had the privilege to add. “Sloane O’Brien was all over you at the beginning of the year, and you dropped her like she isn't some stone-cold fox.” He gave me a downright disturbed look. “Sloane. O’Brien.”

Sure, Sloane was downright foxy. Everyone with eyes--and a dick-–knew that. She knew exactly what she was doing, but when it had gotten to that point, I had been the one to bail. The lads didn’t know how far it had gotten cause I kept it under wraps. Luckily for me, Sloane didn't want others knowing she had wasted three months on me. The lads merely thought I had looked the other way and moved on. In reality, I had gotten the shift and called it quits after three months because, as she liked to put it, “I was not committing.”

Maybe I was a proper swot.

“Just come round my place and we can go from there.”

It was apparent that I didn’t have a choice in the matter. I sent a silent prayer that I wouldn’t get a shovel to the back of the head when I eventually did get home.

~

It was nine by the time we had finally decided to get a move on, and it was currently taking all of my effort not to blow our cover. I had drinken significantly less than these eejits, but Mackey was making it incredibly hard not to spout beer out my nose.

“Jesus,” Yvonne spluttered. “That tastes like piss.” Ellen was nursing the small girl like the fawn she was with, some of the contents of her bottle.

The redhead laughed. “And you know what piss tastes like because?”

“I––I don’t.” Yvonne’s cheeks were almost as red as Ellen’s hair. “It’s a figure of speech.”

“I know, lovey,” Ellen chuckled. “You sure you don’t want to come with? My friends will be there and they’ll have no problem with you tagging along.”

Yvonne looked the opposite of convinced. “I’m sure.”

“El, would you let up?” Tiernan said from his perch on the conservatory screen. “Leave the poor girl alone.”

“She’s not some poor girl , babe.” Ellen stood from where both girls sat on the outdoor rug. She was wearing the tiniest shorts I think I had ever seen, along with the frilliest top I had ever seen.

“Would you please cover your bum, you look like one of those Playboy girls.” He begged.

“You think?” She beamed. Spinning, she turned to where Liam and I sat on the wicker sofa. “Think they’ll put a ban on me as well, boys?” She shook her hips for emphasis.

I swear I saw drool spilling from Liam’s lips. Not wanting to fan the embers sparking, I simply raised my bottle. “Cheers.”

“I think you look lovely,” Yvonne added.

“Ah!” Ellen pointed down at the rug. “I got Yv’s approval. That means I have to wear it. Sorry, babe.”

“El.”

“La la la,” Ellen plugged her ears and ran out of the screen door. “I’m going.”

“That’s our cue.” I hopped off the couch, more than ready to get this over with so I could get home before midnight and hopefully get some work in.

“No pissy moods today, Tiernan.” Liam was dragging the bull of a lad out after Ellen, who was already up the steep drive.

“You coming?” I was halfway out the door when I realized Eoin had been sitting in the back, nursing his beer in silence.

“I’ll catch up.” First words he had said in an hour. I looked at Yvonne as she fiddled with her dark, pin-straight hair, then back to my friend.

“Sure, buddy.” I didn’t believe him for a second. I let the screen door shut before yelling back, “Don’t make me an uncle at seventeen, please! I need to go to uni first.”

I knew with absolute certainty that Yv was mortified simply by the front door swinging shut.

“Thanks for that, asshole,” Eoin said as he caught up with me up the drive.

“Just looking out for a friend.”

Eoin and I had a silent understanding to have each other's backs no matter what–-had been that way since he moved to Ballylaggin in second class. So if that meant preventing him from making me an uncle at the ripe old age of seventeen, so be it.

The town was bustling as it usually was during the weekend. Local instrumental bands playing outside of pubs flooded the streets with music.

We eventually sauntered into a building with glowing lights and people dancing like it was their last night living.

I Only Wanna Dance With You , by The Bay City Rollers, was blasting from the record player on stage that I was sure they had snagged from the O’Neills’ record shop. 

Ellen had already blasted off to her friends at the other end of the bar while Liam and Tiernan made a beeline for the bar. If I were being honest, the craic was rolling.

Everyone seemed to be in their element as the lively music consumed them entirely; I only felt a bit out of place.

“Yeah, I said I’d try again, but I’m out.” Eoin had his hands in his pockets as he turned on his heel.

“Don’t leave me out to dry, lad!”

“You owe Liam.” He pointed to his slightly bruised jaw. “Not me.” He strolled right past the lad at the door who had let us in.

Fuck.

The only thing I could do was walk up to the bar and look for something to fill my hands. It was jam packed and the two girls behind the bar were running rampant and yelling at the langers like they would throw them out by the ear themselves. While the one in the green number was nice to look at, I was struck dumb by the blonde in the blue dress. She was wearing these shiny white boots that traveled up her long legs, which I could just see over the bartop. Maybe she was the owner, considering she was running the place like some military drill.

She was coming over to me, and coincidentally, I had forgotten how words worked.

“Over eighteen?” Was the first thing she said to me. I couldn’t even process what she had asked. All I could see was how her face glowed in the dimly lit space. And I was a moth to a fucking flame.

“Aye?” Nice. Real nice, Kav .

Her face twisted, and even then, it was like nothing I had ever seen before.

“Gardaí are constantly looking for a way to shut this place down.” She shrugged. “Just nod and give me a big tip and we’ll be quare.”

I had seen seven-year-olds walk into the offie to grab their parents a slab of beers with no issues, so for them to be asking my age was a big deal. Still, I did exactly as she asked of me. 

What the fuck was happening to me?

“Great, what will ya be havin'?”

I swallowed. “I uh–wait,” I paused, finally taking in all her features. “Are you even old enough to be behind that counter?”

Shut the fuck up, Kav!

She chanced a glance over to her coworker, who was doing the same. “Listen,” she said, carefully. “If you’re looking for trouble, Morton's down the road is doing far more promiscuous stuff in its back rooms–”

“Jesus, no,” I was quick to cut her off. “I’m no garda and I sure as fuck am not looking to find out what goes on in the back of Mortons .”

I almost fell clean off my feet as her lips threatened to tip up into a smile. By no means did they, but I almost wanted to find out what it took to get them there.

“Then you tell me what you want or get off my bartop.”

I blew out a breath. “Well shit." I blew out a breath. "Just a bottle will do, then.”

With a clipped nod, she disappeared to an icebox, then came back, popping the cap off in one swift motion before sliding it to me. I put down whatever cash I had but didn’t let go as she went to grab it.

“Do you go to BCS?”

“The fuck is that?” She looked almost disgusted by my question. It was clear this girl had an impressive tongue on her.

“Not from round here, then.”

“You need to bug off, lad,” she snipped, tugging at the cash. 

Who was I kidding, she probably had dozens of fuckers pestering her throughout the night.

I let go of the cash but didn’t let the guy behind me edge his way in. Rather, I sipped on whatever she had just given to me, trying my best not to be a creep and outright gawk at her. I don’t think I had ever talked to a girl who outright told me to stick it. I was intrigued, to say the least.

Songs kept rolling, and my friends were nowhere to be seen. That was fine by me, considering the second Liam found me, he would sentence me to whatever the hell he had been dragging Tiernan through. But give Tiernan enough drink, and he would be more than compliant to give a little jive around the place.

“I’m out for a smoke,” I heard Blondie tell her barmate.

It might have been the drink telling me to move, but that would be a lie. I was fairly sober and ready to make full blown langer of myself.

Rounding the bar, I offered her a smile. She was absolutely not having it.

“Watch it.” She tried to shoulder past me, but I held a hand instead.

“Dance with me.”

“I don’t dance with customers.” Her tone became gruff. “And you can’t pay me for it either.”

I cocked a brow. “What? No, just a dance. That’s all.”

She gave me a once-over, not a hint of readable emotion on her face. When she shouldered past me again, I didn’t make a move to stop her. She had every right to be skeptical, but I wasn’t a skeptical guy. I just didn’t think I could live with myself if I didn’t at least get her name.

See, not a swot. Just proving my friends wrong, that's all.

She was nearing the back hall near the bar, as she fumbled for something in her boot. I watched as she stomped it down in frustration. Bodies on the floor began consuming me into the thrall, and I watched the girl slowly fade out of my line of sight, like a door closing shut against a once-in-a-lifetime moment. 

Of course, this wouldn’t happen again. Coming to the disco was purely a Liam decision, I didn’t think I’d ever come back on my own accord.

“Hey, stalker,” I heard a siren's voice call. It was something like a fucking sea shanty described. With a slight downward tilt of my head, she was there. “Give me a light and maybe I’ll consider a dance.” 

By no means did I have a lighter, but I sure as fuck would find one.

Chapter Text

Edel

There was one thing Ma had managed to teach me throughout my life. And no, it wasn’t how to bake a cake or how to fix up my hair. It was that you can’t trust men, but you sure as fuck can use ‘em.

This lad had been eyeing me the whole night, so I seized the opportunity for what it was. Usually, I would figure it out by myself, and that was exactly what I was doing. I was using my resources.

I could have probably asked Gilly for a light since she usually had a cigarette pinched between her thin lips, but for the past six nights I had been working here, I knew she was watching that front door like a hawk. It was like she was expecting someone specifically. Who? I had no idea. A garda made most sense, but there had been no issues from what I’ve noticed . Until now.

I wasn’t entirely convinced this guy wasn’t undercover or something. It was too late to dwell on that anyway, I already had the joint between my lips.

While I had been making good money, I was nowhere near what I needed to afford a place to sleep. Instead, I had managed to weasel my way into the empty flat just above the disco.

Apparently, no one wanted to live above loud music and loud patrons. Who would have guessed?

I stayed here from open to close, then during the day, I would make runs on the outskirts of town, trying to divvy out the supply of coke I had. Come July, I could possibly have a place under my own name. That being said, if I were still selling, there was no way I was going to go to the address Will had given me. The note I kept in my bag was a kilo in weight on its own . My own personal guilt trip that sat there, taunting me every time I dipped into the bag of hash for myself.

The door to the back alley swung open, abruptly stirring me from my thoughts. The strange guy extended his arm, lighter in hand.

I grabbed it without a word.

“That’s not a cigarette.”

Already sparking up, I pulled in a deep drag. “Is that a question or a statement?”

“An observation, I guess.”

With my back against the cool brick, I took my time to observe him. He had his arm pressed against the wall as he leaned on it. There was something so harsh yet disturbingly perfect about his features. He looked nothing like the lads in Ballyman, let alone the ones in the bar that constantly asked for a look up my skirt.

He pushed a hand through his shaggy, dark hair, giving it this effortlessly put-together, yet tousled look. He was so out of his element here that it was almost adorable.

I extended my hand in offering because maybe this guy needed to relax more than I did.

“Oh, no.” He shook his head. “I don’t smoke.”

“Suit yourself,” I said with a shrug before taking another deep drag. Slowly, I felt the tension that had been accumulating over my shift ease. I could adapt to just about any environment I had to work in as long as I was getting paid, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want to throttle every eejit I encountered throughout the night. “You’ve got a name, or should I settle with Stalker?”

If this guy was actually a stalker, I knew I could take him. O r maybe that was me convincing myself I could. While he had an overall innocent demeanor, he was packing huge muscle and had almost a whole head on me.

“My friends call me Kav,” he offered.

I paused the joint from coming up to my lips. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“It’s short for Kavanagh.”

“Yeah, but I’m not your friend, so what’s your actual name?”

He straightened, but didn’t back away from my tone.

“My parents named me Jonathan, if that’s what you’re looking for.”

“I’m not looking for anything.” I stubbed out my joint with my boot, wanting to be able to maintain a conversation rather than hop from one topic to another like a skipping record. “I’ll settle with John, then.”

“That would be a first,” he said with the most intoxicating smile I had ever seen.

I folded my arms and turned to lean against the wall to face him. “You’re telling me no one calls you John?”

He shrugged.

“Well, John ,” I crooned. “Who dragged you all the way out here?”

His eyes coasted over me like he hadn’t heard what I said, but then, he blinked as if coming from a trance.

There was no way this guy had the tolerance for only one beer, right?

“That obvious?” He asked.

“You don’t seem like the disco type.” I shook my fingers for emphasis.

“Oh?” His body shifted forward ever so slightly. “What type am I then?”

My body couldn’t decide whether or not I should stand my ground or take a counterstep back. Playing it safe, I quietly slid one foot back in case I needed to pivot and sprint down the alley. I had stupidly left my kitchen knife inside and–yeah, there was no way I would win if this guy wanted to come at me.

Masking my trepidation, I feigned indifference. “Like you went to school on daddy’s dime, then came here after hanging up your blazer and tie for some girl. Probably one from that group out on the dance floor.”

He rolled his shoulder. Bingo .

“I really can’t tell if you’re from here or not. You have the Dub accent but…” His words trailed off as he studied me under his weighted gaze.

“That obvious?” I said, parroting his earlier words.

“We don’t get many of you down here.”

The door swung open, and music poured into the alleyway. “You can’t hide from me, Kav!”

“Fuck me,” John groaned, presumably already knowing who was at his back.

John was jerked forward as he was shoulder-throttled by a blonde guy who was very much inebriated.

That was my signal to leave.

“Well, who do we have here?” The stranger slurred.

My nerves went haywire.

While John's buddy was spewing nonsense and the poor guy was trying to bat off his drunk friend, I slipped past them and went for the door. I silently hoped Deirdre didn’t kick my ass for leaving her in there for too long.

“Wait!” I heard John call out. “Who do we have here?”

If he was asking for my name, he wasn’t getting it. I swore to myself that not one person would get my name while I was on the clock.

“Have a nice night, fella’s.” I didn’t so much as look back before the door slammed shut behind me--even if I did want to snag one more look at those glorious biceps.

Chapter Text

John

I was going to kill Tiernan O’Neill and Liam Callahan.

We stood in the dark alleyway–well, I stood while the two langers sat against the wall seconds away from spewing their guts up. I didn’t know how much time had passed since they came out here and disrupted my conversation with the most beautiful–and thorny–girl I had ever come across . All I knew was that I was to make sure that Cal was in far more debt to me than I was to him.

“You have to get that girl's whereabouts,” Liam slurred as his head lolled. “If not for yourself, then for me.”

“Can you assholes get yourselves together,” I said from the wall across from them. “I need to get home.”

It was then that Tiernan decided to indulge in his upchuck reflex.

“Did you see her, lad?” Liam asked Tiernan as if this was light banter. “God, it looked like you two belonged on Playboy along with Ellie.”

“The fuck?” I balked, deciding I’d heard enough.

Once Tiernan had finished emptying the contents of his stomach, he stood, still using the wall as a personal crutch. “Yeah, lad.” He gulped, addressing Liam to his left. “You talking about the one that he was drooling over behind the bar?”

“That's the one!”

“Alright, Kav,” Tiernan cheered.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “You have a girlfriend! And Liam just said she belonged on Playboy ya big eejit.”

“Ex.”

“What?” Liam and I simultaneously blurted.

“She did it right on the dance floor.”

Liam wobbled as he went over to sling an arm over his friend's shoulder. “Don’t worry, lad. You’ll be right with it come Monday.” He sounded more angry than reassuring. Even if Liam was off his head, he wasn’t wrong. I didn’t have enough fingers to count the number of times Ellen and Tiernan had broken up, then proceeded to get back together within a twenty-four-hour period . Liam, Eoin, and I often made bets on over or under twenty-four hours. In the end, Eoin and I would cash in big because Liam always held out on over.

“Whatever,” Tiernan said, pushing off the wall. “I’m off to her gaff. I’ll see you lot later.”

He was almost out of the alley when headlights flooded the spot. Liam practically hissed like a feral cat whilst I shielded my eyes from the blinding assault.

“I’m only going to say this once,” A voice spoke that made my heart stop dead in its tracks. “ You either get in my car or I'll phone your parents in the middle of the night.”

I didn’t wait for Mam to come into my line of vision before going on the counter. “We were just heading back-”

“Not a word from you, Jonathan Rory Kavanagh.” I shut the fuck up then and there. “You’re lucky that lovely boy, Eoin, let me know you were here, otherwise your father would have left the house with a shotgun.” While my mother was terrified or disgusted by all things farm related, if she had access to said shotgun, it would be aimed right at me if I didn’t get my ass in that car.

The woman stormed up to me, but she didn’t have to say another word. It was a silent understanding. She stormed past me to where Liam was. “Liam, pet, we have to get you up and home.”

Leave it to Mary Kavanagh to think my friends were absolute saints.

“Tiernan,” Mam called out without looking behind her to where the lad was trying to make his escape. “Don’t even think about walking your bum back home.”

While I was grateful for Eoin’s foresight, no one liked their Mam finding you and your piss-drunk friends in an alleyway.

“It’s grand, Mrs. K,” Tiernan said before promptly stumbling into the brick wall.

I practically dragged him back to the car that, thanks to my Mam’s expensive taste, had plenty of room for the three of us. Once I threw him into the back seat, I helped her carry Liam back to the car.

The door shut, and the stout woman whirled on me, pointer finger a-blazin. “What on God's green earth do ya think yer doing?” She started. “You know the days are yours, but at night you are to be home.”

“I know, Mam,” I said, immediately feeling like the world's shitiest son. “You have to understand, I was taken under my will.”

“Oh yeah,” She drawled, rounding the car to the driver's seat. “It must have taken an awful lot of convincing to get your breath to smell like beer, Jonathan.”

Why did Eoin have to tell my Mam of all people? I mean, I knew why, considering Liam’s folks were far too old to be coming into town in the middle of the night, and Tiernan’s parents would have locked him in a confessional for all of eternity if found here. Still, I would never hear the end of it from her.

“You’re son's not a total swot after all, Mrs. K,” Liam had the audacity to say once we were all seated.

“I’ll toss you out of this ride, Cal!” I turned to the back seat. “I’ll do it, I swear.”

Mam clipped my shoulder. “You will do no such thing.” She watched my friend in the mirror. “Now, what do ya mean by that, love?”

“I called him a swot earlier, but he just had to go and stick it to me.” His tone took a total one-eighty as his head slumped against the window. “God, I’m so lonely.”

“You’ll be lonely in hell once I put you there,” I mumbled under my breath.

“What was that, Jonathan?”

“Nothing, Mam.”

She let out a not-so-convinced, “Mmm.”

“Can you drop me off at Ellen Mackey’s, Mrs. K?” Tiernan finally chimed in . “She’s right down the road from the Callahans.”

“Oh.” Mam perked up. “How is that going with you two?”

I coughed as if to say, “Not now,” but Mam, of course, didn’t take the hint.

We were finally pulling away from the disco when a flashy blue dress caught my eye. Forgetting Tiernan laying his entire relationship out to my Mam, I watched as that unrealistically beautiful girl walked out of the now-closed disco. She was looking around wearily, then, just as she was disappearing from my line of sight, she went to the attached staircase that led up to what I assumed was the flat above.

Maybe she owned the entire building? There was no way that was possible since she definitely still had to be in school. Fuck, it was taking an immense amount of will power to not jump out of this car and go back to get something, anything about her.

This wasn’t it. I was certain.

~

We rolled up the long drive to my house in complete silence after dropping my friends off. No lights were on to illuminate the various windows or even the stone brick that made up the house. I was half expecting Dad to hop out of a bush and drag me from the car at any given moment.

When Mam eventually parked the car and headed into the house at one in the morning and she was absolutely fuming. She wasn’t like most. When she got angry or worried, she never lashed out with cruel words or behaved in any way that her emotions might have justified. No, that woman would rather sob as a spider crawled up her leg rather than be terrified and kill it. Her definition of rage was having her brain work a thousand kilometers an hour just to get to an endpoint with the least amount of conflict possible.

Which is why it only slightly disturbed me when she said, “I slipped some of the horse tranquilizer in your father's evening tea so he doesn’t know you’ve been out.”

“You drugged the poor man?” I was sitting at the counter while Mam put the kettle on.

“You don’t have room to talk. That poor man would have your head if he knew where you were.” She shifted, wrapping her woven cardigan around herself. “I have put too much effort into getting that man to send you to Tommen, and this is how you repay me?”

“This has never happened before, and it won’t happen again, Mam.”

Trust me, it’s the last time I’ll ever be in debt to the eejit that dragged me out.

“In Jesus' name, it won’t happen again. I just about had a heart attack when Eoin phoned the house. You’re lucky you have friends who are always looking out for you.”

Right…

“What’s going on?” Margaret strolled in, bleary-eyed and tired but never too tired to stick her nose into everyone else's bleeding business.

“Nothing, love,” Mam was quick to dismiss. “Go back to bed.”

“Oh my god.” Any lingering sleep was long forgotten as she took in my jeans and white T-shirt. “You so went to the disco, didn't you?”

“And he met a girl,” Mam added, smiling into her mug as she took a sip .

You could have picked my jaw off the floor. “You two can’t come in here and start tag teaming me!”

Margaret sucked in a sharp breath, then plopped down in the seat next to me like I was some book filled with gossip that she was dying to read. The two women in my family were mirror reflections of each other in every way. The only difference is the twenty-year age gap. Between Margaret and me was only three, but everyone always said we looked more like twins than the Callahan siblings did. And to that I say: everyone looks more like twins than the Callahans do .

Everything else, the shoulder length, dark hair, the dimples, was the same when it came to my Mam and sister.

“Oh, we can, and we will,” Mam pushed.

“Liam didn’t even mention a girl." I shoved a disbelieving finger into my chest. " I didn’t even mention a girl.”

“You didn’t have to.” She tapped her temple. “A mother always knows.”

I tried not to roll my eyes.

“No girls, Mam,” I lied. “Just two eejits that drag me into their mess.”

“God, leave it to you to go out and not do anything worth telling,” Margaret said as she grabbed the mug Mam handed to her.

“Well, it won’t be happening again because I’m not going into that barn again,” Mam warned

“What do ya mean?”

This was a perfect opportunity to steer the conversation away from me. “Mam dosed Dad,” I blurted, taking my mug of tea before shuffling away from the large kitchen.

Margaret slammed a hand on the counter. “You what?!”

That should keep her occupied for the time being, because the look I was getting from Mam definitely assured me this was a temporary reprieve.

“Night,” I called out before slipping back outside. I knew for certain that I would be out here till sunrise, but honestly, I couldn’t say it hadn’t been worth it.

I was determined to see that girl again. No one, not even Sloane O’Brien had made my words, fuck, my entire brain faulter like that. That had to mean something, and I was going to figure out what exactly.

It was when I passed Mam’s assortment of garden flowers that she considered her “contribution to the farm” that I paused. The red roses were in full bloom and completely overpowering the others. There was one in particular that bled into the patch of white lilies, and it was far too stark to ignore. Crouching, I gripped the stem of the singular rose and plucked it. Doing so causes my finger to slip up. I sucked in a breath in between my teeth as a sharp pain shot through the pad of my finger.

Keeping the rose tucked away safe in my other hand, I watched as a tiny amount of blood pooled at the source of the cut. It had only stung for a second, being from a measly thorn that wiped the blood off on my jeans.

I wasn’t just going to throw the rose away; no, it just needed a change of space . While the farm wasn’t my end-all-be-all, I could never let my years of hard work go to waste. Plant or animal, I took care of it like my life depended on it.

It kind of did if I wanted a chance to not spend the rest of it here.

Taking an empty chicken-feed pail , I brought it over to the spigot and filled it with some water. Placing it on one of the supply shelves, I settled the lone rose in it. The farm shed was quiet as always. I soaked in the few peaceful moments before getting to work.

Chapter Text

Edel

I told myself this was the last time. The last time I would lend out another tear to Niamh, to Miriam… to my mother. It had been the same cycle for well over a week now. Wake up, use the plumbing down at the disco, cry, then promptly drown my sorrows in weed. By the time seven rolled around, I was somewhat sober and made my way downstairs to work some extra tips by putting on my sweetest smile, then heading out back to meet those who wanted to buy from me.

It was getting to a point where I thought running had been a mistake. But in order for it to be a mistake, I would have had to mess up, and by that definition, my whole life was an entire mistake. I had no idea what I was doing or if I even had a future in general. 

Taking it day by day, turned to minute by minute, because looking past a minute made the tears start up. No. More.

I brought my bag downstairs, ready for my daily shower, and stopped when I saw a boy around my age perched at the bartop, back towards me. I reached for my knife slowly, preparing for the worst.

“We’re closed,” I said, slowly. “You can come back in nine hours.”

When he turned, relief flooded through me at the almost familiar face. I was certain this guy was related to Gilly, with the same dirty blond hair and long face. I had also seen him around during work hours.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you,” he said, a jarring positivity to his tone. “You’re one of the barmaids, right?”

I dropped the knife I had clutched inside my bag. “Um, yeah.” I fiddled with the strap of my bag. “Edel.”

“Henry.” He gestured to the surrounding space. “Henry McGill. Mam kinda owns the place."

So that's what Gilly stands for.

“Right, so what brings you round here so early?”

“I could ask the same of you.”

Damn. That was the last thing I wanted him to ask.

“Plumbing broke at my place, thought Gilly wouldn’t mind if I came here instead.”

“Is that so?” He gave me a once-over, but it wasn’t slimy or threatening. Maybe he was sizing me up? I couldn’t tell.

I began my mission to walk past him to get to the back. “Yup, just need to take a shower and I’ll be on my way.”

He sat back on his stool, grabbing the glass with what was definitely a mixed drink of some sort. “Say, how many guys have you scored with since you’ve been here?”

I came to a screeching halt. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Please don’t say you know. Please don’t say you know, please, please, please.

“Which one has the biggest dick?” He pushed on. “My bet is on the one from Friday with the insanely good-looking face. He was my favorite.”

Me too, was what I didn’t say.

I was relieved that he wasn’t talking about the people I was selling to, but still slightly mortified by what he was insinuating.

“I’m not scoring with anyone,” I argued. “They’re called smoke breaks.”

“Yeah,” he laughed. “Smoke breaks that are so long that I have to step in and save Deirdre so she doesn’t get eaten alive behind the bar.”

He took a sip of his drink, allowing me the opportunity to change the subject. “Aren’t you supposed to not be drinking the stock?” I looked at the electric clock above the bar. “It’s also like eleven in the morning.”

“Says the girl who smells like the Tommen greenhouse during lunch.”

What the hell was Tommen?

I shrugged. “Touché.”

“Don’t mind me, and I won’t mind you.”

He was already halfway to another sip when I gave him a nod. Strolling into the back room, I shut the door and sagged against it in relief.

One minute at a time.

Setting my stuff down, I drew in deep breaths, keeping a steady pace to the shower in the corner. Had I seen nicer showers, yes. Had I seen worse…

The shower pressure was abrasively sporadic and offered absolutely no hot water, but I wasn’t complaining. As long as it was free, I couldn’t be picky.

My body was growing thinner by the day since I had been living off whatever I could find in the back room. Peanuts mostly. I was lucky that Will hadn't left any long-lasting bruises; those had healed up before I had reached County Cork. Other than the lack of food, I seemed to be in pretty decent shape, all things considered.

After taking my handfuls of peace, I tried to dry off before my entire body froze over. It was when I was in my cotton bra and knickers that the door flung open.

“What the,” I cut myself off in seeing Henry at the door. He looked devastated, but that didn’t stop me from punching him in the gut. “You don’t walk in on girls showering you, freak!”

He clutched his stomach, spluttering. I gave him a second, considering the wind had been thoroughly knocked out of him.

“Where,” he coughed, “Where did you get this?”

I was wide-eyed, filled with incredulity. He was holding up the note I had been keeping stowed away in my bag.

“You went through my bag!”

There was no way he hadn’t seen the other contents I kept on my person. I was so beyond fucked.

He straightened, still clutching the note like it was going to fly away. “Tell me,” he demanded, his voice filled with the most disturbing desperation that I had ever heard. “Where. Did. You. Get. This?”

He didn’t seem bothered by the two bags of hard drugs he had most definitely found or the fact that I was borderline naked, so I wasn’t going to be either. “What gives you the right to look through my stuff?”

“I really don’t think you’re in the position to be asking those kinds of questions,” he said, hinting at the drugs. “Now tell me where you got this, or so help me God, you’ll be out of the job come tonight.”

“Alright, alright,” I said, a bit more panicked than I would have liked to show. “I-” My face fell as my gaze flicked to the note.

For when there's space for us. -H

Oh.

“Henry, I-” It was very rare that I didn’t have a response for anything. I could always come up with a white lie or something I could put up a defense with. But I had nothing.

“Edel,” his voice cracked, “Please.”

“How do you know Will?” It was quite possibly the stupidest question I had ever asked, but it was all that I could get off my tongue.

He didn’t say anything. He was full-blown trembling as he looked at me with desperate eyes.

For when there’s space for us.

Yeah, I had to make it more than clear that I wasn’t going to run to the Gardaí.

“I’m no snitch, Henry. I don’t judge or shame.”

“That’s grand,” he sneered. “Now tell me how the fuck you got this.” He jostled the note.

Anyone who could read basic body language could tell that this was all but grand. This had to be absolutely terrifying for him. It was for me, at least.

“Why don’t we have a seat at the bar?” I didn’t find the need to hide anything from him since he obviously knew more about my past life than I had doled out. Well, not me exactly. Will.

I walked past him, not caring to grab anything to change into because I was just as desperate to know what he knew.

When I got to the bar, my bag and its contents were strewn atop it. I immediately shoved the substances back into the bag, but considering we both had illegal dirt on each other now, I wasn’t worried about it.

He joined me by sitting and throwing back the rest of his drink. “I haven’t heard from him in ages,” he croaked, shoving his head into his hands. “I was so worried someone had found the note or–” a relieved whimper escaped him.

“He’s ok, but he’s in a bad way,” I admitted. “How did you two initially get in touch?”

Seconds passed before he said, “My–my, Mam has family in Ballymun. I met him at one of my cousins' functions, but I was leaving in a week. We decided to keep in touch by writing.”

“How long?”

“Two years,” he whispered. “It’s been two years since I've seen him, but he still wrote me every week. It’s been radio silence for the past month.”

My heart shattered into a million pieces. For him to be forced into hiding his obvious love made me beyond angry, yet all I wanted to do was cry for the lad. For both of them.

“He handed me the note during–well, I’m going to be honest with you, Henry, because I think you deserve the truth.” I sucked in a deep breath, grateful that we had mutually decided to keep our faces straight ahead. "He uses. And during the midst of a high, he pulled a knife out on me and told me to me to fuck right off.” A nervous laugh escaped me. There really was no easy way to go about it, so it was best to dive off the deep end. “He handed me the note before I left.”

He didn’t seem to be surprised.

“You knew?” I asked after a bit.

“He was high the night I met him. I convinced myself the notes were helping.” He clutched his glass so tightly I thought it might crack. “He told me the notes were helping.”

His vulnerability pushed me to settle my hand on his wrist.

“You were featured in a lot of his notes. I heard the name and had to check.” He nodded over to the bag. “Had to check for myself.”

“I would have done the same.”

“He must have trusted you a lot if he handed you that note. It was the last one I sent him.”

Way to push the knife deeper.

A knock came at the door, I almost didn’t register it until Henry turned. “You invite anyone?” He asked, a mask falling over his features that I knew all too well.

I shook my head.

He finally stood to go grab the door, leaving me stuck between following or hiding. I chose to follow. If this guy meant so much to Will, he immediately fell under my protection.

Carefully, he opened the front door.

“Henry McGill?”

“Jonathan Kavanagh?”

I was dumbstruck when I was face-to-face with John himself. He was confused to see Henry in the doorway, but even more by my presence in the doorway. Partially naked.

My face went lightning hot. “Shut the door!” I ripped the door from Henry’s grasp and slammed it shut directly in John's face. “Oh my god!”

“The cheek of ya,” Henry teased. “Thought you said you didn’t score. ”

I was glad to see the turmoil between him and Will had been cast aside at my expense. But still, it was amusement at my expense.

“I didn’t! He just gave me a light back on Friday.” I stormed to the back room, Henry following behind. “How did he know I would be here?”

I tossed on my shorts and a red vest.

“I hadn’t realized the stunner the other day had been the Jonathan Kavanagh,” Henry said almost in awe.

“You know him?”

Henry gave me a knowing look, revelling in the dramatics unfolding before him. “He’s in the year above me at Tommen. Quite the commodity if I do say so myself.”

I was getting whiplash from how many turns this day was taking.

“What do you think he wants?” I asked, frantic.

“Seriously?” He asked as if it were obvious. “You’re a fox. Surprised more suitors haven’t come knocking.”

“Suitors?”

He grabbed me by the wrist, pulling me along. I wrenched my hand away, not appreciating the rash gesture.

He analyzed my face before saying, “Sorry. Just–follow me.”

Regaining my composure, I followed him back out, too worried about what he was about to do to lash out at him for grabbing me.

Just as he was opening the door back up, he shoved me directly in front of him.

John was still there, his hand suspended in mid-air as if he were about to knock again. I was frozen to the spot. “So you really are a stalker?” God, I wanted to kick myself in the arse.

He smiled nervously, the dimple in his cheeks becoming more prominent. They were quite mesmerizing if I were being honest.

“Some friends and I are heading to the clubhouse for a swim since the pool just opened. Was wondering if you wanted to join?”

Clubhouse? What clubhouse?

“I-uh.”

“She would love to!” Henry answered for me, poking his head around the door. “Just give us a moment, and we’ll be right out.”

“We?” John and I both boomed.

This time, it was Henry shutting the door in John's face. “Listen, love. That man, along with his other golf buddies, are some of the most loaded lads in all of Ballylaggin. No way am I passing up the opportunity to take a dive into the most exclusive clubhouses' pool.”

“I don’t remember him inviting you.” I folded my arms as my eyes darted back to the door. “Who am I kidding?” I breathed. “I am not going.”

“Yes, you are! We are both going. But don’t worry, I’m no cock block.”

“Henry!”

“Ok, ok,” he relented. “But I need to get out and do something.” He grabbed a set of door keys off the bartop. “I think we both do.”

Chapter Text

John

The two people I’d been chauffeuring around hadn’t stopped bugging me about our little detour. Although the clubhouse wasn’t that far from where I had picked up Ellen and Tiernan at her house, I had gone in the opposite direction.

It was constant, “Where the fuck are we going, Kav?” but I had no answer to give them. How was I supposed to tell them that I was going to a girl’s house that I had met once at a bar? This was strange, even for me. But I couldn’t go to the disco at night and was dead set on getting at least one more conversation with this girl. Even if it was only to get her name and have her slam the door on my face, it would have been worth a try. That didn’t mean I wouldn’t stop thinking about that name till the end of time, though.

Parking my car in front of the disco, I locked my friends in the car and made my way to the upstairs flat.

Her front door was in poor condition, with wood splintering underneath the red paint. Something was  covering the small diamond-shaped window, leaving me wondering if she was even home. Just as I knocked, I was faced with the possibility of her parents opening.

Shit, what would I say if her parents answered? Hi, Mrs––yeah. Fuck.

I was relieved to find that her parents didn’t open the door, and disappointed to find that neither did she.

That was when I heard a muffled shout coming from below me. Turning to peer off the porch, I glared directly at Ellen and Tiernan. To my surprise, they were sitting in silence.

Maybe she was working downstairs?

It was early, but worth a shot to check.

I took my time to get downstairs, because I’ll be honest, I was a nervous wreck.

“Let’s get a move on, Kav,” Ellen said as she poked her head out the back window. “We are wasting precious sun rays.”

“Those rays are going to fry your skin off,” I heard Tiernan mumble back.

Now I was practically banging on the door of the disco, not willing to listen in on their bickering. I heard some mumbling, then  the door swung open.

“Henry McGill?”

“Jonathan Kavanagh?”

Why the fuck was this kid here? There wasn’t much time to dwell on him as I saw her , in nothing but a bra and knickers.

Fuck.

Her face flushed the warmest shade of red and while blood might be shooting her face, for me, it was going straight to my dick.

“Shut the door!” I heard her yell, just as she slammed it in my face.

Composing myself, I had to deter my thoughts from her naked skin to why she was partially naked in company with Henry McGill. That guy was known for being in constant female company. Was it possible he had already gotten to this one? I had no right to push, but this girl was already racking up a habit of making me do stupid things.

Going to knock for a third time, the door opened again, and she was before me again. For my sanity’s sake, she was clothed this time. All I needed was to get the words out. Just get the words out!

“So you really are a stalker?”

I was truly living up to that title by showing up here. I gave her a nervous smile, because what else could I do?

“Some friends and I are heading to the clubhouse for a swim since the pool just opened,” I managed to get out. “Was wondering if you wanted to join?”

She fumbled for an answer, and I prepared for a full-on rejection. What was I thinking, showing up here?

“She would love to!” Henry said, poking his head around the door. I had the urge to tell him to back the fuck away from her. Just give us a moment, and we’ll be right out.”

“We?” Both asked.

The door was slammed in my face for a second and final time. Great.

It took me a minute to realize–wait, had she agreed to come? God, I was so out of my depth. And in no way did it sound okay that Henry had just invited himself to come with, but if that meant she would come, I could possibly deal.

I went back to my car. The second I opened the door, the leeches attacked.

“Ooo, Kav,” Ellen crooned. “Whose that?”

“Fuck off,” I tossed back light heartedly, climbing into my seat.

“That’s the one, isn’t it?” Tiernan asked from the front passenger seat. “You cheeky fucker.” He practically throttled my shoulder.

“Wait, I want to know the details.” Ellen poked her head between the two front seats. “Don’t spare any.”

“There are no details,” I admitted, because there was no point in hiding it . I had the nosiest friends known to man , they were bound to find out all the details at some point. “ I don’t even know her name.”

“Is she new to town?” Ellen asked. “Oh! Maybe she’s going to be at Tommen in September.”

“Again,” I deadpanned. “I don’t know. I only met her a few days ago when we came here on Friday.”

“She’s the barmaid,” Ellen said, shoving her boyfriend's shoulder at the revelation. “You were so right, Tier, she is smoking.”

My brows pinched, mouth slightly agape. “You two are so strange.”

Ellen only shrugged. “Oh, here she comes. Get in the back seat, Tiernan.”

“What? Why?”

“Get in the back seat ya eejit!” I pushed. No way was I going to cast the poor girl to sit in the backseat with Ellen. Besides, I wanted her next to me.

Tiernan's hands went up in surrender, recognizing my no-nonsense tone. One that I rarely used. “Fine, fine. Wait, what's that Henry kid doing with her?”

Your bets are as good as mine.

“He’s coming with. Apparently, they’re friends or something .”

Friends, I tried to convince myself.

“He’s kind of a weird one,” Tiernan said, stepping out of the car.

“Who's a weird one?” Girl-with-no-name asked, tone lethal. She was glaring down her nose at my friend who had come face to face with her. Tiernan was without a doubt taller than her, but damn did she make him look small.

Tiernan peered around her to where Henry was standing. “Forget it,” he huffed. “Kav saved you a spot,” he tossed back as he got into the back seat.

“Hey, Henry!” Ellen beamed the second he sat next to her. They fell into conversation about a kid at our school, they both just so happened to hate , but I was too distracted by the girl in the passenger seat next to me.

“So,” I started. “You're not on the clock.”

She watched me, obviously not picking up what I was getting at. “Um, yeah?”

“Does that mean I can finally get your name?”

She looked shocked. “I don’t remember telling you that.”

Because you were high, was my explanation for that.

“Well, you did. So, can I get it?”

She twisted the ends of her waist-length hair. “Edel.”

Edel . A unique name for this area. One that I'd never forget, even if I tried.

“I uh, don’t have a swimsuit, so there won’t be much swimming from me.”

“Don’t worry about that,” I reassured her. “Just glad you decided to join.”

Her shoulders relaxed, but locked up as he faced me fully with those entrancing, brown eyes. “How did you know where to find me?”

Right, about that… I scratched my jaw, avoiding total eye contact as I admitted, “I saw you lock up when I was trying to get my dumbass friends back home.”

“So you waited for the perfect time to strike, then?”

“Jesus,” I spluttered. “I’m no creep.”

“No, he just wanted to lure a pretty girl into his car,” Ellen jumped in by saying . She coiled her hand around the seat in offering to Edel. “Ellen. And trust me when I say Kav is the last one to be the creep of the group.”

“Yeah, because it’s you,” Tiernan shot at his imprudent girlfriend.

Edel physically recoiled at the initial protrusion of Ellen's arm, keeping weary eyes on the girl. “Right,” she said as she cautiously reached to shake her hand. “Edel.”

“The grump right here is Tiernan, my boyfriend.”

Neither Edel nor Tiernan said anything in greeting, just subtle nods.

“How do you guys know Henry?” Edel asked, turning to face forward and settling into her seat.

“We all go to Tommen,” I answered.

“Ok, what the hell is Tommen? I can assume it's a school, but it doesn’t sound like any community school name.”

“Because it’s not,” Tiernan said, putting in his two cents. “It’s a private school down the road.”

Edel laughed. Actually laughed. I didn’t get what was so funny, but man, did I revel in that sound. I couldn’t help but smile at the infectious sound. “What's so funny?”

“Nothing, nothing. I just had some suspicions.” She forced her laughter down, seeming self-conscious since everyone was looking at her with concerned expressions. I had to suppress the urge to tell the peanut gallery not to look at her like that ever again. That would have definitely earned me some concerned looks.

I turned the keys in the ignition. “Let's get a move on then.” I looked back through my rear-view mirror. “Wouldn’t want to waste precious sun rays.”

~

Eoin had driven separately and was already at the clubhouse by the time we arrived. We all walked in, but Edel was keeping her distance, her eyes every so often finding mine, but then drifting over to Henry. Some insane part of me wanted to ask Cal to kick the fucker out. For now, I needed to play it cool and not scare her off since she obviously liked having the lad around.

“Holy shit,” Edel said at my side. “This place is fancy.”

I wasn’t daft or shallow; I knew this place was fancy and had a great reputation. It was seeing Edel’s face light up at the flower arrangements and the high arches that actually snagged my attention. I didn’t want to say anything at the risk of her hiding her excitement. It made her seem…younger.

“My friend Liam  and his family own the place, he’s probably lifeguarding out back.” I nodded for her to follow.

She stayed right by my side as we traversed the hall and moved in closer, the more I greeted other members.

“Hey, El,” I called back, grabbing her attention from Henry. “You wouldn’t happen to have a spare swimsuit, would you?”

Edel’s head spun directly at me in question.

“Always!” She responded, skipping over.

“Oh no,” Edel protested. “You don’t have to do that. I don’t–”

“Nonsense.” Ellen cut her off by rummaging through what she liked to call her vinyl tote bag . As scatterbrained as the girl seemed, she was always prepared like a mother to ten children. “Changing room’s right here.”

Edel’s expression was more than skeptical, and I didn’t blame her. “Besides what Tiernan says,” I started, lowering my voice and leaning towards her. “She’s not a creep.” That earned a sliver of a smile, and I swear my heart hammered in my chest. I barely knew the girl, yet the pretenses of an actual smile from her had me hook, line, and sinker. A smile .

I was sure that if I told Eoin , or God forbid, Liam, they would lock me away and demand the real Kav to make an appearance.

“You’ll be ok?” Edel asked Henry, of all people.

“Psshh.” He waved a dismissive hand. “I’m more than fine here.”

I couldn’t tell why she was so concerned with leaving him with us. Even as she disappeared into the changing room, her eyes lingered on the lad.

I didn’t dislike the guy exactly but I was glad to see him fucking right off as soon as we got outside. As expected, Liam was in the guard chair, half asleep. He immediately perked up at the sight of us.

“Oh thank fuck,” he said hopping down. There were two patrons in total, but that was what was so great about this place. “What took you guys so long?”

“Kav was too busy getting his girl, whom he met at the disco.” Apparently, Eoin had no problem getting it out in the open.

“She’s not my girl. I just had to at least know her name ," I argued. "One thing led to another, and I invited her along.”

“You must have some way with words then, lad,” Liam said, a wolfish grin on his lips. “Because that girl was giving just about everyone the cold shoulder on Friday.”

“Yeah, he used his debating skills to woo her into the vehicle,” Eoin laughed.

I rolled my eyes. “Pack it in. I don’t see you two wooing any women.”

Eoin was quiet, but Liam had gotten completely sidetracked, his gaze shifting to behind me. “Holy fuck,” Liam practically slurred.

“What-” I turned, my jaw going slack at what I was seeing . Ellen had lent Edel one of those two-piece swimsuits, the red complementing her complexion almost too well. She was immaculate in every way.

“Oh, please,” Tiernan groaned as they got closer. I couldn’t get him to shut up since I was quite literally at a loss for words. “El, did you have to wear the smallest swimsuit you owned?”

  I cringed.

“What?” She stopped short in front of us, her cheeks flushing red out of what had to be embarrassment. “There are like two people here.”

“El you-”

“What’s your problem?” Edel blurted, silencing the already silent. Even Ellen was gobsmacked.

Edel’s face was stone-cold as she waited for an answer from Tiernan. “Pardon?” He said after he finally managed to–almost–process what she was asking.

“I’ve known you for a total of maybe an hour, and all I’ve heard from you is snide remarks or beyond rude comments. She’s your girlfriend for fuck sake, fucking act like it.” 

Her face fell when her gaze tracked back to mine. I was left fucking speechless, more so because I was glad someone else besides me had detoured Tiernan’s bullshit.

“I’m going for a dip,” Edel announced, straightening and not waiting for anyone else to say anything as she went for the steps in the shallow end.

“I…think I will to,” I said, slipping past my friends who were doing a mixture of ogling the girl and watching her in astonishment.

Ellen snatched me by the arm before I could get past her. “I like her.” It sounded something like gratitude in her tone.

I only nodded and followed after Edel.

She was standing there, watching the water, when I finally approached. “Seems like you really don’t have an issue with putting people in their place.”

Her head popped up as if she hadn’t expected me to be there. She huffed a dry laugh. “Yeah, well, he shouldn’t be talking to her like that.”

“Agreed. It’s usually me checking Tiernan, so I guess I should thank you.”

“Your welcome,” she didn’t miss a beat by saying, very much still pissed over what had just happened.

“You gonna get in or just stare for a bit?” I meant it as a jest, but she didn’t take it that way. 

Her face cocked in the other direction and fuck was I sad to see it go.

“I don’t know why I let Henry drag me here. I–I don’t think I’ve been in a body of water bigger than a bathtub.” That was the first time I’d ever heard her voice softer than what it usually was .

“Really?” I borderline shouted.

Wrong move. Again.

It was like watching a guard dog bite. “You don’t need to be a dick about it,” she shot back.

“You're right,” I was quick to amend. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have made it sound like that.”

“And what were you trying to sound like?”

I racked my brain for ways to backtrack as I saw iron curtains physically close around her. Slowly, I held out a hand. “It’s shallow, but I can help you out.”

She was genuinely taken aback by my proposal. I could have sworn skepticism clouded each and every one of her thoughts.

“C’mon.” I shook my hand slightly. “Especially if we want to snag that pool noodle before Eoin gets in here.”

I knew without looking behind me that all four of my friends were watching me. My only hope was that I was thoroughly blocking Edel from seeing that mess.

She surprised me by putting her hand in mine. “Fine,” she said with a bit of a stubborn pout. “But just get me to the pool noodle.”

“Deal.”

The farther we got into the water, the more her grip tightened on mine. “I’m not letting go,” I reassured her. I gave her hand a small squeeze to really double down.

Once she was sitting on the pool noodle, she looked quite at peace. “It’s actually scorching out,” she complained.

“Aren’t you glad to be in a giant pool then?”

She didn’t say anything. She didn’t have to, as her eyes sparkled in agreement.

“So tell me, how’d you end up down in Ballylaggin?”

That sparkle dulled. “Family issues,” was all she said.

Alright, moving on then…

“Can I at least ask how you know Henry?”

“A family friend." She swirled her hand in the water, casting small ripples outwards. "He’s the same age as me and has been helping me get acquainted with the town.”

Finally, I was getting somewhere. Not only was she around my age, but there wasn’t an ounce of hesitation before she said friend .

“Seems to be well acquainted himself,” I said, watching Henry sprawl over a water tube in the deep end.

“Seems so-”

An earth-shaking splash erupted at my back, forcing me to be a human shield for Edel. I whirled around to see Eoin and Liam break the surface. “Watch it!”

“We were,” Liam said, more than pleased with his actions.

Eoin had the same obnoxious expression on his face as he said, “Just wanted to join.”

“I really wouldn’t mind if you went over to shove them back under.”

Turning back to Edel, I had to hold back a laugh at her completely drenched hair plastered over her face. She didn’t look totally upset by it, but she sure as fuck wasn’t happy about it.

Slowly, I backed up towards my friends. Still facing her, I said, “Wouldn’t mind, you say?”

When she actually did smile at my proposition, I just about went under myself.

Chapter Text

Edel

Piling into John’s wildly nice car, I was tired, definitely a bit sunburnt, and trying my best not to glare daggers at Tiernan in the back. Overall, to say I had a bad time would have been a lie. I had lounged in the shallow end, watching the boys try to drown each other, then continued to watch them get in trouble with the owner, Mr. Callahan. I swear that Liam kid had seen a ghost when the old man walked out.

John would do this weird thing every so often, where he would ask me if I was okay when all I was doing was floating around. I couldn’t figure out why he kept it up, but I couldn’t say it was unwanted. I hadn’t heard someone sound concerned about me in a while. It was downright pitiful that some random guy's question meant a bit more to me than it should.

“We should go to Frosties,” Ellen said, shutting the car door. Her freckles were ten times more prominent after hours in the sun.

“I, for one, think that's a splendid idea.” I didn’t particularly like Henry’s tone. He was giving Ellen some sort of look.

“Uh, sure,” John said, presumably also picking up on Henry’s odd tone. “What do you think?” He asked me.

“What’s Frosties exactly?”

“Oh, right.” he ran a hand through his damp hair. “It’s just the local ice cream shop.”

That sounded absolutely amazing right now , but I had no way of paying for said ice cream. But it would be far too embarrassing to admit to a group of private school kids that I couldn’t afford a damn ice cream cone. I had to word this correctly. “Oh, yeah, I can tag along.”

He gave me a light grin before pulling out of the car park. His hand stayed resting on the gear stick, and I couldn’t help but look at it. It was calloused like he did a lot of manual work, but not blemished in a way that I was used to. There were no spiderwebbed veins like Will had or red scratch marks like Ma’s. Where mine had a constant tremble to them that I had managed to get used to, his was sturdy as it rested on the stick.

“Wait! I forgot!” Ellen shouted out of nowhere.

“Jesus, El!” Both of John's hands gripped the steering wheel. “You can’t yell like that.”

“I know, I know, sorry. But I forgot I told Henry I would show him this new record at Tiernan’s shop. Could you drop us off there? We can go to Frosties another time.”

“Really? What record?”

“I– uh ,” she started, as if that was the last thing she expected John to ask. “ A Night At The Opera, by Queen. Yeah, that's the one. It’s not even out yet, but obviously Tier gets them beforehand.”

I was surprised Tiernan didn’t have any gripes with that. He had been nothing but quiet around me, and I was totally fine with that. As long as he kept his gob shut, I could stand him.

“It’s that urgent?” John asked.

“Majorly,” Henry added.

Henry had some balls for inviting himself, then proceeded to ditch his ticket into this very car. I shouldn’t, but I kind of respected the lack of fucks given. Honestly, it didn't sound too far off from something I would do.

We pulled into the small car park that was carved out on the corner of an intersection, where a colorful shop that looked like it sold tackle boxes and fishing lures sat. Ellen and Henry practically spilled out of the car, turning for only a second to giggle their goodbyes. John turned to Tiernan, brow raised. “No laughs from you?”

“I don’t know what they’re on about, lad. Honestly, you can just drop me home.”

His door swung open, Ellen's curls popping into the car once more. “C’mon, baby. We need you to get us into the back.” She didn’t wait for an answer as she practically dragged him out of the car and slammed the door shut.

My body flinched at the loud sound. I felt so on edge, being the most sober I had been in two weeks.

“All good?” John was looking at me. Probably because I seemed a bit manic.

“Yeah,” I said, swallowing. “All good.” There he went again, asking me questions.

We rolled out, but where he meant to turn left to town, he turned right. “I think you took a wrong turn,” I reminded him.

“No, I didn’t.”

My hands became super shaky. I tried clenching them together as hard as I could, but as we kept going down the road in the opposite direction, I couldn’t stop my nerves from waving the red flag. Oh God, he was going to do something horrible to me. This was it. He had gotten me alone, and I was unarmed.

“You need to pull over. Now.” There was not one hint of bullshit in my voice.

“What?” He said calmly. “Are you feeling sick or something?”

Yes. No. Maybe. I don’t know. I just needed to get the fuck out of here.

“Just pull over!”

He did without hesitation, veering the car into the shoulder of the empty road. It didn’t help the shakiness that I hadn’t eaten all day. Maybe I was going to be sick.

I jumped out of the car in an attempt to escape, but John had gotten out as well. “Woah, you’re fucking trembling.”

“Thanks for pointing out the obvious,” I snapped. Bracing both palms above the window, I tried to compose myself so I could eventually make a run for it.

He kept his distance, obviously startled by the sudden mood change. “What's going on?”

A mixture of being my sober self and the fact that you’re a total fucking stranger that tried to nab me.

“I just need to walk it off,” I told him. “I’ll see ya later.” That was a bold-faced lie.

He got closer, but I took a counterstep back. He stopped himself abruptly, something like understanding flickering in his eyes. “Fuck. I’m so sorry. I was just assuming you were still up for going.”

“Well, you assumed wrong.” My voice was hard as I began my walk back.

“Hey, wait.” He was keeping his distance but still following me. “I’m sorry, let me just get you some ice cream. I didn’t mean to freak you out. I should have said something.”

Even if what he said was true and he had good intentions, it wasn’t just ice cream, though. It was always transactional with men.

“It’s fine. Just leave me be.”

I heard his footsteps fall flat. Surprising myself, I stopped as well.

“So you’re going to walk back by yourself?”

Back still facing him, I said, “Trust me, I’ve been in much more daunting conditions.”

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?”

I cursed myself for the slip-up. My brain was a different type of clouded as my body continued to adapt to being sober.

When my footsteps started back up again, so did he. I whirled. “Did you not hear me? Get back into your billion-dollar car and get lost.”

His unrealistically gorgeous face fell like I had physically struck him. I felt like an asshole because I knew he hadn’t actually done anything wrong. It was a me problem through and through. But I couldn’t fucking help it.

“I can’t do that.”

“And why not?”

“Because I’m not going to let you walk alone, Edel. End of story.”

I balked. What could I say to that? I knew deep down this guy wasn’t going to nab me, but that was so shoved down I couldn’t live with myself by just being okay with him being around me.

“Here,” he said, still keeping his distance as he surpassed me. “I’m not getting at anything. I promise.”

Promise . Promises meant as much to me as the twig on the side of the road. Nothing. 

“I’m staying clean this time, Edel, Love, I promise.”

“You’ll always have me, doll.”

“I promise this is the last run you’ll have to make.”

Each and every one of them had been a lie.

I hadn’t even thought before I said, “No promises. Just prove it.” The truth was, I didn’t want him to leave. I had never wanted Niamh to leave me. I had never wanted to leave Ma. I never wanted to be left in general , and I was so sick of people forcing my hand. I just wanted so desperately for at least one person to prove me wrong, no matter how little they meant to me.

We walked in silence, John leaving his car parked on the side of the road. No matter how close or far I got from him, he kept his distance with his back towards me . Leaving him in a very vulnerable position.

My hands still trembled, but I found myself finally being able to reel it back. “So, how do you know Ellen?” I practically mumbled. “You two seem closer than you and her rag of a boyfriend.”

His step skipped for less than a heartbeat, but he didn’t turn. “Our families are close, but we didn’t actually become friends till we both started at Tommen. Tiernan was in a similar situation because he’s on the golf team with me. I know he can be a bit of a bollocks sometimes and I try to clock him on it but I know he has a good heart.”

I wasn’t so sure about that. Insecure men were the worst of them all. While insecurity might be a reason for treating Ellen like that, it wasn’t an excuse.

I didn’t want to bring it up as I was trying to steer away from letting myself get worked up again. “You play golf?” was what I went with instead.

“Yeah, it’s more so fucking around with my friends than anything but it keeps me out of the house and I like to believe I’m pretty decent at it.”

“Humble.”

He huffed a laugh. “What about you? Do you play any sports?”

“My school didn’t exactly have organized sports teams.” Because there were barely enough students who showed up to class, let alone enough to man a sports team. “But I did play some soccer at the local park during my free time.”

“You don’t say.”

“Do I not seem like the soccer type or something?” I teased, feeling a bit more at ease.

“I don’t exactly know what type you are in general, Edel.”

“I can’t tell if that's a bad thing or not.”

“Good,” he was quick to say. “Can’t say I’ve ever met a girl who has zero problem speaking their mind. It’s refreshing. Even with Ellen, it’s hard to decipher what she means half the time, and I’ve known her practically my whole life.”

Couldn’t say I was an open book, but I got what he meant. I was glad he wasn’t turned around, otherwise, he would have seen the embarrassing smile on my face at the observation. That he had observed me .

“Well, it kind of just comes out. Any sort of filter had left me a long time ago.”

You couldn’t really afford a filter if you wanted to deal with the people I was surrounded by back in Ballymun.

“How are you gonna get your car back?” I asked as the flat I had been squatting in came into view.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll have Eoin give me a ride to go get it tomorrow.”

The sun was beginning to set, casting all the buildings in golden light, along with John's already sun-kissed skin. “No need to walk me to my door.” There was no way I was risking him getting a glimpse of the empty flat apart from the singular sheet I had been sleeping on. “All is sound, so uh–thanks.”

We were face to face at the bottom of the staircase. “Alright.” He didn’t push it and fuck was I grateful for that. “But next time I’ll give it a go.”

“Next time?”

He was already backing up. “Can’t have you walking home from work alone, can we?”

“I don’t think you can even classify it as a walk home from work ,” I said, pointing up to the staircase.

Leave, don’t come back. I feared he was wriggling his way into something that was far beyond what he could comprehend by telling me there would be a next time.

“Till next time, Edel.” He gave me a subtle wink, and then he was gone.

Chapter Text

John

The workload was getting excessive. Now that Dad had fully comprehended that school was out and my days were empty, he had me outside as much as he could. It had never gotten to this point before, but it wasn’t like I could refuse. He was getting older and needed my help with heavy lifting. Chickens seemed to multiply daily. And in the summer, anything that went through photosynthesis became untamed.

Even Margaret was outside to help. For the past few days I had been working my ass off so she didn’t have much to do since in no way did I want her tied down to this place. 

I was finishing up on the last haybarrel of the night when the grandfather clock rang from inside the barn. It scared the shit out of me since I had completely lost track of time.

“Mam made us some sandwiches earlier for when we were done,” Margaret announced, coming into the barn that was only lit up by the starlight that poured through the open doors.

Wiping the sweat off my brow, I snatched the larger one out of her hand and devoured it.

“Why does this place seem like more of a burden to Dad than anything?” Margaret asked over a mouthful of food. “I mean, I couldn’t tell you the last time that man smiled.”

Now that I thought of it, I couldn’t either. I sat my ass down on the spare hay, completely spent from today's work that had to be done in storming conditions. “You know, Dad. He’s a family man, and that's what this place is for him. It’s been in the family for generations.”

“I’m not sure I want it in my generation. I’ll be the first to openly admit its a fucking burden,” she admitted.

You and me both.

“Hey, tell that to the folks in the terrace estates. We have it nice here.”

Her hands went up as she sat across from me. “I didn’t say I wasn’t grateful. It just sucks to watch Dad pass the plague on.”

“C’mon Marge, it’s not all that bad.”

“It’s not fair!” She blurted. “You’re fucking ace at school, it shouldn’t have to be a negotiation to merely attend it. I don’t even want to go to Tommen, but I go with no strings attached.” Her face flushed. “Sorry.”

“Got it all out?”

“I think so,” she said, ducking her head. “It’s just stupid.”

“It’s how things are, Marge. We’ve had this conversation a hundred times over, and while I appreciate the concern, there's really not much I can do. I’m working my ass off both here and at school so eventually I won’t have to here.”

“I’m going to London and never looking back.”

I didn’t doubt that for one second. Margaret was never cut out to live in such a rural area. While she often put up a caring front, it was more like the girl was so bored all the time, the only way to make her life remotely interesting was to stick her nose into everyone's business. She was going to get the fuck out here the moment she had the opportunity to.

“So I’ve heard.”

She threw a handful of straws at me. “Prick.”

“Prude.”

I continued to stuff my face, expecting her to get up and leave, but she never did.

“So are you gonna tell me about the girl?”

I coughed on a slice of tomato. “What are you on about?”

“Oh, don’t play coy with me, Jonathan,” she snapped. “I’ve given you two weeks. Two whole weeks and you haven’t confided in me for shit.”

“Why on earth would I confide in you of all people?”

“Ouch.”

I only shrugged. The second I told her anything regarding anything, she would air it all out to Mam or her friends. I had no interest in being a topic in the rumor mill.

“Is it Sloane?”

“No, Margaret!”

Her face lit up like she had struck gold. “It is, isn’t it! The girls at school have been guessing it for ages now. Do you know how embarrassing it is to have others question me about it but not have anything to say on it?”

“It must be agonizing,” I deadpanned.

“Exactly!”

“You haven’t been hanging around El, right?” I had to ask because those two liked to insert themselves into just about anything. Especially when it had to do with my personal life. Fuck, all the women in my family where like vultures and I was the prey they circled. Mam was practically no better than them.

“She has her suspicions, and she may or may not share them with me.”

That had me wondering what other things Margaret may or may not know…

“What do you know about Henry McGill?”

She looked as if I had just slapped her with a fish, then she fell into a fit of laughter. “Have I had you wrong this whole time?” She said once the laughter had subsided.

I just sat there dumbstruck. “My bad for asking.” I was getting up to go back inside when she started apologizing.

“No, wait.” She pulled on my wrist. “You just caught me off guard, that's all.”

“Uh, ok…”

“What do you want to know?” Her expression was soft and made me extremely uncomfortable. I should have known better than to open the floodgates. It was kind of too late now.

“Is he with anyone, or rumoured to be?”

“Listen, Jonathan, I love you. I do, but that stuff is…” I had no idea where she was going with this. “It’s just not right.”

“You’ve lost me.”

“That’s the thing, I really don’t want to lose you, and I’ll always be there for you. I just don’t think I’d be a good sister if I didn’t remind you that–that it’s just not right.”

“What's not right, Marge?” I was growing impatient with her nonsense.

“You and Henry!”

Me? And Henry? What the actual fuck– oh .

“Fuck! Why on earth would you think I would be asking about Henry for those kinds of reasons?”

Kind of wild for my sister to say that it “wasn’t right” though, considering she was far away from being a saint.

She blew out a relieved breath. “Oh, thank God. Wait–so why are you asking about him then?”

“You’re killing me,” I groaned. She was actually going to make me say it then. “There is this girl–”

Margaret let out a high-pitched squeal that made my ears ring. “Sorry! Go on, go on.”

“She works at the disco in town, and I picked her up the other day to go to the clubhouse pool.”

“Take her swimming on the first date,” she chided. “Lovely idea.”

“We had a good time, for your information,” I argued. “Besides, it wasn’t technically a date.”

“What would be a technical date then?”

I sat with that for a second. It definitely wouldn’t include Edel almost jumping out of a moving car, that's for sure. Once I actually thought about what we would do, it came pretty easily to me. “She’s new to town, but she’s easily overwhelmed, so I would probably just grab some food beforehand and bring her to the beach.” I remembered how she mentioned she’d never been in large bodies of water. If she had looked that at peace in a pool, I couldn’t imagine how lovely she’d look splashing in the waves at the beach.

“Ew.”

My face fell. “Ew?”

“I didn’t realize you were such a romantic. It’s kinda gross, just get back to where Henry McGill plays into all this.”

“You’re so weird. You’re the one who asked the question, and I gave you an honest answer.” She didn’t react. “Anyway, when I picked her up, he was there and it was just the two of them.”

Her laughter picked up, and I had never wanted to throw her into the pile of hay more. “Trust me when I say, you have nothing to worry about.” She peered at the clock. “Doesn’t the disco close around now? I can guarantee you that Henry isn’t the one waiting up for her.”

I couldn’t even ask her what she meant by that as she laughed her way out of the barn. It hit me then, and I spun to the clock.

12:20

I had finished all my work and maybe if I was quick enough I could finally get to her before the place had locked up.

I grabbed my car keys and sped off into town.

~

I could have sworn I saw Liam and Eoin staggering their way down one of the main roads, but I wasn’t stopping for those eejits. Not tonight.

I was pulling up to the disco when my headlights caught on that little blue dress. Edel was just now slipping out of the doors of the disco, and I couldn’t be more delighted that I had finally managed to catch her. I shut off my car quickly and jumped out.

“Edel?”

She didn’t react as she faced the door and gripped the handle. Shit, I probably should make myself known. “It’s me–John.”

Still, she didn’t turn.

I approached her and that was when she finally decided to speak up. “You shouldn’t be here.”

I paused. “What? I told you I would be here, didn't I?”

“I’m fine. Just get back in your car and screw off.” Her voice sounded labored, like it was taking a lot more brain power than normal to get each syllable out.

I started my footsteps up again, concerned that some fucker might have tried something during her shift. “Edel–”

She whirled on me. “I told you to fuck off! What don’t you get about that?”

My eyes widened at the sight of her own. They were entirely bloodshot. A light breeze picked up, and a sickly-sweet yet bitter scent hit me right on que.

I wasn’t entirely sure she even recognized who she was talking to.

“I need to be alone.”

I stepped in front of her when she tried to scurry off. We hadn’t touched, but her body recoiled like her limbs were elastic bands. “How much did you smoke, Edel?”

She laughed. “I’ve made it this far without any nagging parents; that doesn’t need to start now.”

What the fuck was that supposed to mean? Did her parents not care that she was stoned out of her mind? I sure as fuck did.

“Damn right I’m no parent.”

“Agreed.”

She wasn’t making much sense. The venom had subsided, and all that was left was spacey looks.

I didn’t really know if her parents would care or not about her state, but I didn’t want her to find out. “Let’s go for a drive.”

“Fancy car.”

“Uh, yeah.” I couldn’t help but laugh a little. “We can use my fancy car .”

“Nope.” She strewed right past me, bag in hand. “Wait.” She paused, looking over her shoulder as she said, “I’ll get in your stalker car on one condition.”

“Deal.”

She turned and gave me the quirkiest, most beautiful smile I had ever seen. “You hadn’t even heard the condition.”

“Don’t need to. Consider the condition met.”

When she strewed closer to me, my body went lax and tensed at the same time. I practically stopped breathing when she lightly ran her fingers through the strands of hair atop my head. “Good. Because your hair should be like this all the time.”

My hair definitely had been in better shape. It was disheveled from dried up rain and hours of working. But I would have been a fool to refute her. I was completely transfixed by the dark pools of mahogany in her eyes. If only they weren’t tainted by the harsh red around them.

“C’mon, let's go for a drive.”

Her forehead came against my chest. “I can nap. Napping sounds good.”

“I bet it does.” Hesitantly, I reached to cup her face and have her look at me. I almost sighed in relief to find that she wasn’t bothered by the touch. “You can take as many naps as you would like in my car.” I knew the girl had to be exhausted after a night's work; I sure was. But if she wanted a fucking nap, she was going to get one. If that was the only way I could assure she could safely come down from the high, I would drive around all night if that was needed.

Something had to be wrong for her to be this out of it. Pushing was not going to get me anywhere, but I wanted so desperately to know the inner workings of her mind. There was no telling if I would ever get an answer. As of now, I just needed to focus on getting her to sober up.

Her face lit up at the prospect of napping and damn was I relieved to see it. I guided her to the passenger seat and helped her in.

I was certain she was already asleep by the time I got into my seat. When I turned the car back on, I heard her stir.

“John?” She said, lightly.

“I’m here.”

“Your hair looking really nice wasn’t actually my condition.”

“Oh?” I was thoroughly intrigued by what she had in store.

“Yeah.” She nestled her head into the headrest. “The real condition was that you can never come back here again.”

My body froze. Was I actually pushing it by being here? Something was always telling me that she really didn’t mean the harsh words that fell from her tongue, but even when she was off her head, she was determined to get me to fuck off. Maybe I was being a proper asshole by bothering her. Fuck, I was bothering her.

“Is that actually what you want?” Drunk words are sober thoughts, I had to assume it also applied to highs. If that's what she wanted, in no way was I interested in truly being a stalker.

“Yeah.” She nodded lackadaisically. “Last warning.”

Chapter Text

Edel

It was a noise that I had never heard before that stirred me from a deep sleep. I was warm, and deep in my chest, the steady rhythm of my heart joined in on my even steadier breathing.

It reminded me of--well, it didn't remind me of anything. That was why I needed to not stay. Unfamiliarity was instinctively bad.

Cracking open my eyes, all sense of serenity I had been feeling went void. I didn’t recognize my surroundings. It was a small, enclosed space. Too small. I was trapped.

Flinging my body upwards, I gasped at the sight of endless foamy blue crashing into a sandy surface.

I was still in my clothes from last night, thank God, but it was immensely unsettling to know that it hadn’t just been my breath filling the car. Car, I was in a car.

John’s seat was reclined, his face resembling a man who had been knocked out cold. If only I could remember how I got into this situation, I could fully appreciate that boyish beauty in his face. He looked so peaceful. Not a crease in his brow or even on his white t-shirt that hugged his body perfectly.

I was totally being a creep and watching him sleep, but I didn’t care. For some reason knowing that he was at least in a headspace that was far removed from the shit that this world had to offer, put me at ease. Maybe I could just go back to sleep and join him in the escape.

“I can practically feel your eyes burning holes in my head,” he mumbled sleepily.

My face flushed hot. “Sorry.” I immediately averted my gaze, shuffling as far away from him as possible.

When he didn’t say anything after that, a deep sense of dread washed over me. “I–how exactly did we get here?”

I silently pleaded to whoever was listening that I hadn’t given him anything that would also induce memory loss.

His lids cracked open, revealing the navy eyes that reminded me of the sea before us. “Listen,” he started as he sat up, sleep still lingering on every part of his body. He had to be cramping up since his huge frame had been sleeping in such a limited space. “We need to talk.”

I felt my stomach plummet to the floor. Yeah, talking was not an option for me, especially when he had a tone so serious. “Can you just–take me home.”

His face hardened as he finished adjusting himself in the seat. “Edel, you were out of your mind last night–”

“I know what I was.”

“Do you? Because I don’t think you do if you can’t remember how we got here.”

Shame flooded me, foreign and unwelcome. I didn’t like it one bit. “I can take care of myself, John. If you’re going to lecture me, save your breath.” There was no raised voice or condescension. This was possibly as close as I could get to talking .

“Is that what you actually want, then?” He didn’t look at me, only gazed out into the crashing waves. “You want me to fuck off like you’ve been saying this entire time.”

No. “About time you got it through your thick skull.”

What the fuck was wrong with me. It was like, as soon as I heard a challenging tone, I couldn’t help but rise to it. I didn’t want him to leave; he had been nothing but kind to me, but every time he was, I ruined it. Maybe that was exactly what he needed to realize. It would only be so long till that kindness eventually faded anyway.

Take the fucking warning and run. Get as far away from me as you possibly can.

The car turned on with the turn of a key. There was no anger radiating from his body, no resentment, and that made it all the worse. Why didn’t this guy get angry with me?

“One last thing.” Breathing became difficult as I waited for him to get his words out. “Was there ever a chance?”

There was no hesitation needed to answer that question. I knew my expression was incredibly somber, like I had hoped, I didn’t know what he was getting at. But what I gave him was nothing but the truth in my eyes. “No.”

A chance at properly getting to know each other, a chance at friendship, a chance at anything more. None of it was in the cards for me. With anyone. I had accepted that a long time ago. And while there were never any defining lines as to what chance John wanted, I knew the chance I wanted. It was terrifying. So I did what I know best, and that was to run.

When we eventually ended up back at my flat in complete silence, he didn’t even make an attempt to walk me to my door. Good.

He was so out of character in the sense that he was constrained to this invisible bubble. Like if he were to move a centimeter, it would pop.

I got myself out of there as fast as possible, only turning to look at him before I slammed the door shut. Words were on the tip of my tongue, but they were leaden in my mouth. Thousands–millions of words, yet I simply didn’t know how to get a singular one out.

He seemed to notice it too.

I shut the door and didn’t look back.

Chapter Text

Edel

“Two Guinnesses, sweetheart.”

I was approximately one hour away from clocking out, and this sorry excuse for a guy was pestering me nonstop. He was going as far as to throw a fit anytime Deirdre tried to serve him because he insisted I do so. I was in no mood to deal with the younger-looking lad, but unfortunately for me, Gilly had been patrolling this place like she was the Gardaí themselves.

I got him his damn drinks, presumably for him and the girl that was way out of his league on the dancefloor. He slid over about five punt, and I was more than willing to take it off his hands. When he didn’t let go, I shot him a glare.

“When do you get off your shift?”

Here we go.

Maybe I needed to consider a new job since it was physically impossible for the men that frequented this place to be total sleazebags. I was certain that the men that went to that Biddies place down the road didn’t act like this. It had to be the provocation that was enabled around here that also enabled the men to think I was some–dammit. Did they think I was truly just a tip away from an easy fuck? Who was I kidding? Of course, they were. I was naive to think otherwise. Only took me a few weeks to gather that when I had lived in a prostitute's house my whole life.

I was even denser to think Deirdre’s smoke breaks were just that. They were always right after she served a blonde, sometimes the same one, sometimes not.

I just needed to maintain a somewhat composed demeanor because I needed that money. “What's your name?” I asked, sweetly.

He gave me a wolfish grin, “Charles Wilkinson. And you are?”

“Well, Charles,” I said, avoiding his question. I tested out sliding the money from under his hand. “This your first time here?”

The money slid out as he leaned back, his expression telling me he thought he had me right where he wanted.

“It is. But it doesn’t take a newcomer to figure out what happens behind those doors back there.” He pointed to the back door, and I had to force the memory of John and me talking out of my head. He had taken my warning just as I had told him to almost a week ago now. Almost three weeks since I took Will’s warning to pack up and come here.

Maybe I would have been better off in another town. Or instead, I use the money I had been using to save up for an actual place and catch a flight to Birmingham. I could have a chance at finding Niamh and Miriam–no. I shut that thought down immediately. They had left, and I wasn’t going to chase after them.

Feeling nothing short of defeated, I fed into Charles' little fantasy. It was an inherited trait, I guess, maybe it was time I embraced it.

“Oh yeah? What goes on exactly?”

“Why don’t we go back there and I show you instead?’

My heart rate picked up for all the wrong reasons. Thinking quickly on my feet, I said, “I get off in an hour.” I pocketed the tip and moved on to the next customer without waiting for an answer in hopes that he would forget about me before closing came around.

As time went on, Charles hovered around the bar, making me increasingly more nervous. When he tried to flag me down again, I practically begged Deirdre to take over his tab for me. “He’s eyeing you, love,” she whispered as she went to refill his drink.

Most of the drunkards had left, and the DJ had let everyone know we were on the last song of the night.

Charles was still here.

I couldn’t go to the back to grab my stuff since I knew he would absolutely follow me back there.

“Hey,” Charles said as he pulled me in by the waist as soon as I rounded the counter. I couldn’t find a reason to care. “You want to get out of here?”

“I’m exhausted. Can we do a rain check?”

His brows pinched as he looked down on me. I could tell he wasn’t drunk, but he definitely wasn’t sober like I was.

“Don’t be a tease. You can’t dress like that and then turn me down after I’ve been nice enough to wait till your shift is over.”

I guess he was more decent than the others, but not decent enough to know when to grasp that I wasn’t up for anything. It was exactly the guy I deserved to sully myself with.

“How exactly should I be dressing then?”

“Not like a whore, that's for sure. You're too pretty for a place like this.”

That word made me flinch. Whore . I couldn’t count the number of times I had heard my Ma be called that.

It was easy to let his hand come up to cup my face. “I’ll tell you what.” His breath skated across my face. “It’s fine that you’re tired, but how about you join me at a party tomorrow?”

A party?

“What kind of party?”

His pupils dilated with delight, and he gave me a light squeeze on my waist that he held so territorially. “Some girl is having a birthday party over in Carrickmore Estate. She practically invited all of the upperclassmen. You’ll come with me, won’t you?” It didn’t really sound like a question.

It was at least nice to know he was younger than all the other men who usually frequented the place on Thursday night. “I–I don’t know. I have work-”

“No need to be a prude. I’m sure missing one night won’t hurt.”

I tried to shove away at the name-calling, but his grip tightened. “Listen, listen,” he said, regaining my attention. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean that. Just a bit tired and the beers clouding my head is all.”

I relaxed, letting him get his apology out. 

“You shouldn’t be at a place like this. Let me bring you somewhere where you can actually have some fun.”

My common sense was telling me to walk away, but that sliver of me that I saved for Kipper poked its head out at the twisted kindness in his words. It was familiar. Safe.

“Alright,” I agreed.

His hand travelled higher till it was high on my ribcage. “Perfect. I’ll just give you the address.”

When he pulled away, he went over to the bar to grab a napkin. He scribbled something onto it and handed it over. “I'd better be seeing ya.”

I took it, staring at the address, then up at his empty eyes. “You will.”

He huffed a breath, giving me a once-over before disappearing through the doors.

I stood there in the middle of the room, Deirdre and Gilly too distracted by cashing out the register, the utter devastation on my face. I kept my face ducked as I grabbed my bag and muttered my goodbyes.

I scanned my surroundings for what felt like a thousand times before I finally made my way to my flat.

Once I shut the door, there was no way I could have possibly stopped the tears from coming. A pitiful croak fell from me as I cried and cried and cried. So much had built up, but the only outlet was escaping through substance or crying. I didn’t want either. Instead, I grabbed the small plank of wood I had been using as a barricade since there wasn’t a proper lock.

I smashed it so hard against the already decaying wall that I could feel the splinters of my ripping into the flesh of my palms. I kept hitting and hitting, all while the tears continued to blur my vision.

Blow after blow, I felt my sanity dwindle with each and every hit. At one point, I couldn’t tell if it was my tears dripping onto the floor or the blood on my hands.

Loud banging came from the door to my left, but I didn’t stop. I fell to my knees, my palms crashing onto the floor, burning as they made contact.

My sobs turned to heaving, heavy breaths as I compartmentalized all the pain. The Physical and the internal.

I couldn't do anything as the door opened and in walked Henry. Not Charles. Henry.

“Christ, Edel!”

He crashed down in front of me, kicking the bloody plank away. “What are you doing here? Did someone do this to you?”

“Me,” I said in a voice that wasn’t mine. “It’s always me!”

I felt hands come around my wrist. Then they were upturned to where I could see the damage. “Fuck,” he breathed.

His eyes scanned the room. “How did you get in here?”

“I live here!” I snapped.

His face flashed with something far softer than I deserved. “I come here too.”

His words were just enough to nudge me towards reality. His face finally came into focus, but that only caused me to process the pain in my hands and the trembling of my bones.

“My dad's back from Dublin. I come here for the few weeks out of the year he bothers to show up.”

Pull yourself together. People aren’t supposed to see you like this. It’s weak.

“Your dad?” I managed to force out.

He nodded. “That man hates me more than anything, and my Mam caters to him like he’s some magnum opus. I come here when he’s here. I get it.”

“You don’t understand shit.”

I could feel his gaze on me, and I averted my own.

“I can go.”

“No!” I blurted out of nowhere. He paused, confusion etching his features. How was I supposed to explain to him that I was scared Charles was going to come knocking? Or worse, that I was scared to be alone with myself. “You don’t have to do that.”

He sat down, back against the wall just below the massive hole I created. “What's going on?”

“I can’t–that’s not going to happen.” The adrenaline was slowly turning to exhaustion, my eyelids becoming heavy.

“Does this have to do with your folks back home?” He scanned the room. “Edel, have you been staying here this whole time?”

I nodded, not clarifying.

“Don’t worry.” I saw his hands reach out. “I’ll be here for the time being. We can talk tomorrow.”

My body was being lowered to the ground without my own accord. I was so tired, there were no protests as oblivion claimed me.

~

“Fuck!” I was up and staring down at my wrapped-up palms. Apparently, I was a heavy sleeper, and Henry was an early riser because he had managed to bandage up my hands and go out and grab food while I had been asleep.

“Morning,” he said softly as he placed a bowl of fruit down in front of me.

My hands were pulsating with pain to the point where bile crept up my throat. “My bag,” I croaked. “Can you hand me my bag?”

Shoving a slice of apple in his mouth, he ran my satchel over to where I was sitting. I snatched it up, but dropped it as soon as white hot pain flashed through me. I let out a frustrated groan. “Do you know how to roll a joint?”

His lips tilted up. “I do only if you share.”

“Sure, sure, whatever.” I shoved the bag towards him.

He began his work after he grabbed the smaller bag from the satchel. “The weed I get. But that bag of white powder looks to be a lot less than when I found it originally,” he said, not breaking his conversation from the task at hand. “I know I don’t know you well enough to give you my input, but-”

“I wouldn’t put that stuff in my body even if I was more desperate for relief than a junkie,” I pressed.

“Then where did it go?” He fed me the joint, lighting it.

Sucking in the sweet smoke, I let my pain smothered by the almost instantaneous relief. “I was saving up for a flat,” I said, passing the roll to Henry. “Now I’m too sure.”

“D’you mean you're going back home?”

“God, no. But I don’t think I can stay here.”

“And you came to that revelation last night.”

“I think the idea has been with me for a bit now. With what I’ve been able to save up, I might catch a flight.”

“International,” he said, impressed. “Fancy.” My attention drifted over to the cut-up sheet and open bottle of vodka, Henry most likely used to fix my hands. “I’m assuming the little ice cream date with John didn’t work out then?”

My entire body shot to attention at the mention of him. “This isn’t about John,” I said, a bit too hastily.

He gave me a knowing look. “Now we’re getting somewhere.”

“Seriously.” My voice was way too pitched to be convincing. I was a damn good liar, why was that particular skill set failing me now? “He ended up dropping me home after we left the record shop. Nothing to warrant a conversation about.”

“It’s Jonathan Kavanagh!” His hands went flailing about. “Of course, that guy warrants a conversation. He's, like, the cream of the crop around here, and you were the one that snagged his attention out of the hundreds that he doesn’t even bat an eye at.”

“I don’t know what you’re on about.” I exhaled a plume of smoke, my curiosity getting the best of me as I caved. “What are you on about?”

Henry gave me his undivided attention, thoroughly ensnared by my questioning. “The lad has a spotless record only because he can charm the pants off of anyone–not literally, but you know what I mean. He’s not a piece of town gossip, but you ask anyone about him, I guarantee they’ll recall some time he had been incredibly generous or helpful to them. And of course–not to mention it, but I’m going to mention it–that man is proper sex on legs.”

All reasons he shouldn’t be a topic on my mind.

“He sounds a bit of a swot.” I tried to make it sound like an insult, but failed miserably.

“I wouldn’t say so. Just effortlessly and sickeningly perfect.”

There really was nothing I could say to that. Instead, I began unwrapping my hands to assess the damage now that the pain had subsided. The inflamed and scratched-up skin wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Henry had actually done a sound job with it. “So you’re the town encyclopedia, then.” I hoped he got the appreciation on my tone.

“Oh, thank God,” he sighed in relief.

My face pinched in question.

“I was scared that bitchy snarkiness had left the premises.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Yes! Exactly!”

“Shut up,” I said half heartedly because I couldn’t help but sort of like the guy. “While I enjoy the lack of bullshit from you, I think I’m going to stick to getting out of here. John not being the reason for that.”

“It would be a shame to see you go,” he said in earnest.

That hit me more than he probably intended. It was only the smoke in my lungs that held back my defenses. “I’ll tell you what,” was what I opted for instead. “I was invited to a party tonight at some fancy estate. Would you want to go with as a send-off for me?”

“It wouldn’t happen to be the one at Carrickmore, right?”

I was taken aback. “Uh, yeah. Why?”

“No reason. I’ve just heard it being mentioned by some people around town. I’d be happy to join, but mind if I ask who invited you?”

“Some guy named Charles Wilkinson.”

It was like I had dropped a bomb, the way his expression twisted. “Charles Wilkinson? Forget sex on legs, that man will have sex with anything that has legs.”

“Of course, you know him. It’s not like I have those intentions, just looking for a last hoorah.”

“I don’t know, Edel. He’s kind of–”

“Just drop it, ok?”

“Like how we’re also going to gloss over what I walked into last night?” He gestured to my hands.

My blood turned to pins under my skin. “Yes,” I said sternly.

“Fine, fine. I have no issue with turning a blind eye.”

My chin dipped, and I diverted most of my attention to the wrapping. “Thanks.” I loosed a shaky breath. “You would have fit in well in Ballymun.”

Chapter Text

John

Ellen’s seventeenth was in full swing, and I couldn’t be more grateful. Since the Mackeys were close friends with the family, Mam could make a valid argument for me to join in the festivities for the night.

I was never the type to ask for breaks, even if I wanted one; it was all in or nothing for me. So when Mam came into the field earlier today, I knew exactly what she was going to say.

Unfortunately for the lady, she practically shoved Margaret out with me in thinking that this was some kid party with puppets and sweets lining the tables.

My poor, naive, wonderful mother.

I hadn’t seen Margaret since we pulled into the drive, but I knew she was more interested in getting the langers to say embarrassing shit rather than taking even a sip of drink.

“You not drinking tonight?” Eoin said when he finally arrived at the massive garden behind the house.

“Nah,” I said, a can of Tab in hand. “You?”

He shrugged, hands stuffed in his jean pockets. “We’ll see where the night takes me.”

“Well, we know where the night is taking El.” I pointed over to the girl in the sparkly two-piece, slamming shots like she was some war tank. “I think I’m going to head over there.”

“I’ll join ya,” Eoin said with an airy laugh. “Haven’t said hi to the birthday girl yet.”

Ellen squealed as soon as we got into her general vicinity. “Hey Eoin!” She threw her arms around my friend in a hug that could have convinced anyone that they were the best of friends. In reality, I’d probably seen them share only a handful of conversations over the years. “You have to join us, we are playing bitch cup.” She tugged on his sleeve.

“Alright, alright, El.” I was genuinely surprised to see him join in on the big group. That usually wasn’t his forte. “Joining?” It was more of a plea to me than anything.

“You have your fun,” I laughed.

“He’s going to be occupied,” Ellen said to Eoin, waggling her eyebrows with a pointed look over my shoulder. “Wait.” She straightened but still clung to his sleeve. “I don’t remember inviting her? Glad she could make it, though!”

I turned, only to see Edel walking into the garden like she had no idea how she ended up here. She was wearing a tiny maroon vest with some brown leather bell-bottoms that almost distracted me from who she walked in with. Almost. Henry was talking to her, but didn’t stick around for long. As soon as he slipped away, Edel scanned the area, then just so happened to directly lock eyes with me. Fuck.

“Go get 'em, Kav.” I was frozen to the ground as Eoin clapped my shoulder and disappeared into the thrawl.

That was the thing. There was nothing to get. The past few days had consisted of me trying to push that devastatingly beautiful face out of my thoughts. Now that I was getting a refresher of it, I knew it was going to take ten times as long . Probably more.

She had made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with me, and I had to accept that. But fuck was it bordering on impossible not to show up to her flat to deny me one more time just to hear her voice. I had to constantly question what it was about this girl – this specific girl – that flipped some switch in my brain that made me border on senseless.

When she didn’t immediately break eye contact, I felt my feet moving on their own accord. I made it a total of two steps before the lad I recognized as Charles Wilkinson came strolling in and grabbed her by the waist. Not only was he pulling her into him, but she didn’t push away, giving him her undivided attention. It made it all the worse seeing her eyes a crystal shade of white. Not red.

I’d never been stabbed in the gut, but I was sure that this was what it felt like.

It was taking immense amounts of will power not to storm over there and rip the fucker off of her. He had his goddamn hands all over her in such a way that made me nauseous.

She. Didn’t. Pull. Away.

Yeah, fuck this. If I didn’t turn on my heel immediately, I was going to ruin this whole party. I wasn’t the irrational type, but I was seconds away from playing the part.

I forced myself to move in the opposite direction, aiming for the table El and Eoin had gone off to. “Change of plans,” I said to Eoin, who just so happened to be trying to get the center cup down. “I’m in.”

He pulled the cup away from his lips. “No Edel?”

Even hearing her name from Eoin of all people was making me uneasy. I hadn’t told any of my friends what had happened in the beach car park, and had no plans on doing so anytime soon. I kept most shit to myself because it was easier that way. “Just get me in,” I said, nodding to the table.

Eoin’s brows shot up, but he didn’t say anything as he made room for me. I was going to be just fine right here for the rest of the night.

The drink was flowing, and the craic would have been up there if I didn’t have the pestering voice on my shoulder telling me to just turn around .

“You alright, Kav?” Liam asked as he appeared out of thin air. Eoin and I were going drink for drink, about–I didn’t even know how many at this point . I guessed it was showing.

“I’m grand,” I confirmed with a bit too much bite. “Are you?”

His wavy blonde hair was going in all different directions, cheeks flushed.

“Don’t tell me it was that Catherine girl,” Eoin said from my side. “She’s far too nice to share a room with your sorry ass.”

“Call her a philanthropist then.” He pointed to himself. “Cause this charity case is over- ” He cut himself off, clearly sober enough to choose his words carefully.

“Why don’t we head over to the food table?” Eoin said, steering the conversation elsewhere . For both Liam's and my sake. He was clearly eyeing the direction I had been trying to avoid all night, but I wasn’t going to budge. I needed it to be out of sight, out of mind.

“Did Tier even bother to show up?” Liam said, stuffing a handful of Haribos in his mouth.

“I haven’t seen him.” I pointed over to El with my beer bottle. “But don’t tell her that because I don’t think she’s noticed.”

“Flakiest guy I’ve ever met,” Liam scoffed. “Why doesn’t he just quit the golf team while he’s at it since he barely shows anyway?”

At this point, I couldn’t find the will to defend him. He had well and truly been grading on my last nerve with the shit he pulled with El. I could really only give him a sliver of the benefit of doubt since I knew his homelife was quite shit. Still, though, I couldn’t lie, El hadn’t looked this happy in a while.

“So, Kav.” Liam nudged me with his shoulder. “I saw Edel earlier.” I heard Eoin cough, but it was buried under Liam’s blabbering. “What's the deal? You gonna grow a pair and ask her out or something?”

“She made it more than clear that it was over before it even smarted– started,” I corrected, feeling the heavy effects of the drinks.

Both of my friends looked astonished at my little piece of information. Hell, I surprised myself by openly admitting what had happened.

“Let's just drop it, alright. It’s time I started focusing on Leaving Certs anyway.”

“We haven’t stepped foot in a year six classroom and you already want to start on the Leaving Certs?” Liam asked.

I raised my glass. “Aiming for Cambridge, Cal.”

“Hey, that's the fancy one Yvonne’s going out for as well.”

“Looks like I have some serious competition then.”

“That's a later problem.” Eoin sloppily grabbed my arm and forced me to turn. “That's your problem now .”

“God, I love when you get like this, Cregg,” Liam said with wicked delight. “Even though it ended in me having a shredded jumper last time.”

I sure as fuck didn't love it. I was currently witnessing Charles sucking the face off of Edel. I thought I had been suppressing the urge to beat the bleeding brains out of the lad, but no. I was fucking fuming.

She was trying to pull back.

Eoin held out a smart-ass hand, and I willingly shoved my beer into it. Beer that I was definitely letting drive my actions.

Fuck it.

I stormed over to the corner they had decided to shack up in, not caring that I was knocking into people left and right. I latched onto the back of his black shirt and dragged him right off her. Edel went stumbling back.

“The fuck you think yer doing?” Charles yelled in my face.

“You keep your hands off her, you hear me?” I seethed, not backing down from the little bollocks. He might have been the same age as me, but I had the physical advantage by far.

He shoved me in the chest. “I’ll put my hands on whoever I damn please.”

“Stop it the both of ya!” Edel yelled, sounding like she would jump into the thrawl if need be .

Eoin came up behind me in a rush. “Ok, so we aren’t going to retaliate, Kav-”

Bang.

I had never punched anyone in my entire life, but damn did it feel good to shove my fist into his jaw. I grabbed him by the collar. “You listen to me when I say you will never so much as lay a finger on her.” I pointed directly at Edel with my free hand as she stood there with an otherworldly sense of anger and astonishment on her face. “Again. Are we clear?”

When he didn’t answer, I debated on using my–most likely already broken fist–on his face again. I resisted the urge. “I want to hear you say it,” I said with a lethal tone.

“I wasn’t going to stay with the whore anyway-”

Bang.

I hadn’t cocked my fist back fully before Eoin had clocked the fucker in the face. Charles's body went crashing to the floor. “I’m really getting sick and tired of jerk-offs like you calling our girls that name,” Eoin said, shaking off his hand.

My gaze immediately found Edel's face still frozen in pure shock, her lips bordering on bruised. I wanted to give Charles a matching one with my fist, but El came barreling through the forming crowd, Margaret at her side. 

“What do you eejits think you’re doing?” She shouted.

“Taking out the trash. What else does it look like, Ellie?” Liam said from his perch, watching the drama unfold as if we were at the pictures.

“You three need to leave before the Gardaí show.” Her bleary-eyed gaze roamed over the garden. “Fuck, someone definitely called the Gardaí.”

“Give me your keys,” Edel said out of nowhere.

“Aye?” I said, holding my poor, broken fist.

“Give me your keys, you drunk brute!”

I reached into my back pocket. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Eoin, you’re coming with us,” she instructed, snatching the keys from my hand. She looked at me. “Anyone else coming with?”

“Me!” I heard my sister say as she came trotting over. “ I wouldn’t miss this for the world.”

Edel glared down at Charles, who was cupping his face. “You’re staying down there.” She kicked him in the gut for good measure, and damn if that wasn’t an insanely precise one.

He grunted, moving his hands to his stomach.

“Move it!” El urged.

The space around me was hazy, the only thing keeping me sturdy being Edel’s hand as she slipped it into mine and led me away from the scene.

Margaret was following suit, dragging Eoin by the ear like she was his full-grown mother.

“Where did he park?” I heard Edel call back.

“Just up the road.”

I kept my mouth shut, letting Edel take me wherever she was so damn pleased. Yeah, I was definitely hammered.

When we got to my car, Edel stopped. Looking down at the car keys, she muttered a curse under her breath .

“Oh, no, please don’t be upset,” I said. “I can fix it.”

She looked at me with those sharp brown eyes. “It’s nothing you can fix, you big dope. I don’t know how to drive.”

A bubbly laugh left me. “And you asked for my keys?”

I was struck dumb when Edel also let out a laugh. I could tell it wasn’t all amusement there. “I guess you could say I’m a sucker for bad decisions.”

“What's the holdup?” Margaret asked, finally catching up.

“She doesn’t know how to drive, Marge,” I informed her like it were no issue at all. It finally registered  “Oh shit, we're stranded!”

“No,” Margaret sighed. “We’re not, idiot. I'm sober, give me the keys–” she looked at the girl who still clasped my hand like she would fly away if she were to let go.

She tossed over the keys. “Edel.”

“She’s fourteen!” Eoin said, stating the obvious. “She doesn’t know how to drive.”

“She thinks she's sneaky when I’m out on the farm, but I know she goes on little joyrides,” I said. “It’s our best bet at getting home.” I shrugged. Squeezing Edel’s hand, I admonished with, “Although I fully believe you could figure it out- ”

“Just get in the car,” Edel said, trying to conceal a smile. She opened the back door, sliding in, then guiding me in after her.

“Aw, no, don't hide the smile,” I complained. Oh, I needed to shut my bleeding gob.

“Shut up, John.”

There it was . That smile.

Margaret climbed into the driver's seat after throwing Eoin into the passenger seat. “Since when do people call you John?” She turned the ignition.

“Since forever.”

Chapter Text

Edel

“I’ll feel better in the morning, love. Mammy just needs to sleep it off.”

“But you don’t look well. Are you sick?”

“It's all ok, Edel. Why don’t you hop up on the couch, and I’ll–”

“Mammy?”

“I’m ok. I just need to take a seat.” She sat next to me, her head lolling to the side. “A quick nap is all.”

My small fingers came up to catch her face as her entire body came crashing down. Her thin blonde hair spilled over me, her eyes already closed. I didn’t know what to do, but she had insisted it was a nap, so I could be a big girl and be here for her when she woke up. I stroked my fingers through her hair in the hope that she would know it's me keeping her safe from the nightmares that followed me into my sleep.

“Edel?”

I blinked, snapping from the plaguing memory. I still remember Kipper walking in, finding me with Mam still on me amid a drug-induced coma. She had been out for so long that I was half-starved to death and completely wet myself. Little did my six-year-old self know that it wouldn’t be the last time.

“Pardon?”

“I just asked if everything is alright back there?”

I realized I had been fanatically stroking my hand through John’s dark hair ever since he had landed on my lap and dozed off. Granite, I may or may not have guided his head on to my lap but damn it had brought back an unwanted memory that I had thought I shoved to far down for them to ever resurface .

“Uh, yeah. All good.”

Eoin had also nodded off, head pressed against the window. It was just me and John’s younger sister, Margaret. It had taken me a total of two seconds to pin her as the younger Kavanagh, since they had very similar features.

“It’s nice to put a face to the infamous girl from the disco .”

“Good to know I’m a hot topic.” I couldn’t help it , I continued to thread my hands through his messy hair. “For your information, I had no idea that was Ellen’s birthday party.”

“Um, ok? Did she not tell you when she invited you?”

So she didn’t know the extent of what went down between John and me then.

“No, I was more or less a plus one.”

“To Charles?” The way she said his name made it clear that he had quite the reputation .

I had to admit the fourteen-year-old was an impressively good driver because she was rolling through swerving estate roads like it was nobody's business, all while holding a conversation.

“Yeah, Charles,” I said, halfheartedly.

“Probably the biggest tool bag I’ve ever met. Is my brother still asleep?”

“Yeah?”

“Good, because last term, Charles tried to make a swipe at me. That should put into context how much of a tool bag he is.”

My stomach flipped for all the wrong reasons. “Gross. You're like a second-year.”

“Exactly.” Her tone sharpened. “So I’m wondering why you came with that creep over my brother?”

Confrontational much?

“We sort of just met, so I don’t really go doling out my business to strangers.”

John stirred on my lap, bringing both arms around my legs like I was some pillow. This boy had punched the shit out of a guy not too long ago. What the hell was happening?

“You two aren’t strangers,” she said, matter-of-factly .

“He doesn’t even know my last name,” I shot back.

“Are you a Dub?”

I sighed. This girl was definitely not going to pull it back with the questions. “Name's Edel Harkin, and I’m from Ballymun.” The car swerved, shifting everyone in the car . “What the fuck!”

“Ballymun?” The girl practically shrieked, waking both the boys. “No wonder you left that place.”

“Whose from Ballymun?” Eoin asked groggily.

“Harkin. Ballymun,” John mumbled. “Got it.” He nestled back onto my lap, and without thinking, my hand found his hair again.

“It’s like I’m a unicorn to you folk,” I said, exasperated.

“I suppose you are.” Margaret turned the car into a gated drive, and my eyes bulged out of their sockets. “We’re here. Prepare to sneak their fat asses in through the mudroom.”

“Holy shit!” My eyes were glued to the window. “I thought a farm was mentioned, not a whole castle.” I thought Ellen’s house had been massive when I had walked in blind, thanks to Henry. But no. This place was on another level.

Surrounded by green fields and foliage of every kind was what I imagined a French castle looked like. It was breathtaking.

“Um, thanks?”

As we continued down the long and winding drive, I could have sworn there was every type of rose imaginable along the front of the house and under the shutters.

We stopped just before two, two-car garages. Shutting off the engine, Margaret climbed out.

“You’re gonna have to work with me here,” I said, gently nudging John. “We need to get you inside.”

“But I want to stay here,” was what I was able to make out from his scruffy, sleep-filled voice.

Me too.

“Come on, Kav,” Eoin said, fumbling with the door. “Probably not tasteful to have the girls drag you in.”

“I have to be with the chickens in a few hours , just please give me those hours.”

Chickens? They had chickens here?

“You can have those hours inside. ”

“Fine,” he groaned.

He looked crazed as he finally sat up, freeing me so I could open the door. I guided him out with my least scratched-up hand from the other night.

“Does he usually go this hard at a function?” I asked, pulling him along to meet Margaret and Eoin at a side door.

“No,” she said, twisting the key into the lock. “Which is why I decided to come with. It’s kind of hilarious.”

Eoin stumbled through the threshold. “This isn’t unheard of, but yeah, usually he's the one dragging us around.”

I winced, not being able to help but feel partially at fault . Which was also why I had decided to help get him home in the first place.

There was something so disturbed that lived within me because when I saw John at that party, I had more than welcomed Charles' grimy touch.

For a bit.

When I saw John storm off in the opposite direction, I wanted to slip away and find Henry, but Charles wasn’t having it.

I had been stuck between making a huge scene or just sticking around the guy pawing at me. Thankfully, John had decided for me. Sure, I had thrown plenty of punches for other people, but I’d never had someone punch someone for me .

We eventually stumbled into the huge kitchen, with vastly stretching countertops and china cabinets galore.

John peeled off to the nearby water pitcher. It was like some innate reflex that had my hand squeezing around his, stopping him. He didn’t hesitate to stop.

“Sorry,” I muttered. My cheeks flamed as I loosened my grip, but this time, John held steady without a word to me.

“Eoin, can you grab us some water?”

Those naps seemed to sober the two of them up quite a bit.

“I’m not your bleeding servant.” There was an unspoken conversation happening as John shot him a look that I barely caught. “Fine,” he huffed.

Margaret strolled out of the pantry with handfuls of stored dinner rolls. The Ballymun in me was astonished by the sheer size of the fully stocked pantry because it was about the same size as my old room.

I felt…small here.

John leaned against the countertop, and I had no other choice but to join. “Toss me one, will ya?” He paused, looking at me as he added, “Want one?”

My stomach said yes, everything else screamed no. “I’m alright.”

Shrugging, John promptly caught the roll Eoin had tossed over the island to him.

Shoving a roll in his own mouth, Eoin said, “Either I’m going to sleep on one of the guest beds or over the toilet.” He made his way down one of the hallways next to the grand staircase. “Haven’t decided yet.”

“Night,” both of the Kavanaghs said after him.

I was still processing that there was more than one guest bed.

“Aw, shite,” I heard Margaret say towards the direction Eoin had disappeared into.

“Hmm?” I followed her line of vision to see a small child descending the stairs.

“No, no, Eddy, back to bed,” John urged. “Mind if I…” I realized he was talking to me.

“Oh, yeah.” Embarrassed, I removed my hand from his and watched as he went over to the insanely adorable kid. “Are there any more hiding up there?” I had to ask because who knows, maybe they had enough siblings to fill the rooms of this castle.

“Just us three,” John called back, guiding the kid, who I assumed was no more than three, back up the stairs.

It probably wasn’t the smartest to let John go off by himself , nonetheless, attempting to take care of a toddler. “I’ll uh, go help out.”

With a snarky salute, Margaret went off to put away the bread and water.

By the time I caught up with the two boys, they were down what I could only consider a wing of the house. The two toddlers– yes, two toddlers –went into one of the rooms.

“Someone likes giraffes,” I said, taking in the giraffe-themed mobile and stuffies scattered across the room.

“He likes giraffes, so Mam gets him giraffes,” John said with a shrug.

“Who are you?” Eddy asked, stopping before his little bed.

I didn’t know how to react at first. I was never around little kids growing up, I was usually the youngest.

Crouching down so his nightlight struck my face, I gave him a genuine smile. “I’m Edel.” My gaze flicked to John watching us. “ You’re big brother's friend.”

“I’m Edmund Seamus Kavanagh.”

Well damn, he sounded like a little king.

“Well, Edmund,” I said, getting to my feet. “Why don’t we get you back in bed? ”

“He’s gonna throw a fit,” John warned at my side.

There was no fit, only Eddy putting his arms up expectantly. I was thoroughly confused by what that meant, but when he clenched his chubby fists, it was on instinct that I went over to pick him up.

He held onto me like a little monkey, and my heart was fit to explode. He was so unexplainably adorable, so innocent. I tickled at his plump cheek. “Aren’t you just the cutest?”

“I’m not cute,” he pouted in the cutest way possible. “Mammy said I’m handsome.”

“You can be both," I amended.

He gave me a sleepy smile, and I almost melted on the spot . Placing him on his bed, I placed his blue covers over him and gave him a little wave. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Del!”

When I turned, John was giving me the strangest look. “What?”

“The kid doesn't even let me pick him up, let alone strangers.”

With my hand on his arm, I guided him out of the room, trying my best to stay quiet for little Eddy’s sake. “Have you tried a formal introduction? Might do you wonders,” I teased.

John then took the lead, but rather than going downstairs, he went into the room next door. It was far more mature than Eddy’s, a huge, four-poster bed with a blue and white quilt atop it and mahogany bookshelves lining an entire wall. I honestly expected nothing less at this point.

Out of nowhere, John started to undress. My heart stopped dead in my chest, and I spun to look out the door. “What on earth are you doing?”

I heard him stumble out of his jeans. “Oh, sorry, did you want to change first?”

“No!” I whisper-shouted.

As if finally registering what I meant, I practically heard him straighten. “Right!” How he sounded sober and was still acting the fool was a mystery to me. “I’ll go to the bathroom.” I heard him walk off. “You uh–stay here.”

Like the unpredictable idiot I was, I chanced a glance over my shoulder before the door shut. I caught a glimpse of his toned back and his briefs right before he disappeared into the en-suite. The en-suite, for crying out loud .

I was by myself . In his bedroom. Being light-years out of my depth, I wandered over to his bookshelf.

Catcher in the Rye, The Long Walk, I huffed a laugh at the Dune title. I was pretty sure that it was some nerdy sci-fi series. What really caught my eye, though, was the hefty, leather-bound law books on the top shelf. Now, those must have been expensive. Who knows how long those have been up there. That scared the everloving shit out of me considering I haven’t given a second thought to what I was doing for the rest of my life. If I even had one, that is.

I needed to move away from the law books before I spiraled.

A record player . “Woah,” I said under my breath. Because it wasn’t just a record player, it was a Sanyo turntable that could also read cassettes. The disco that I worked at didn’t even have one of these.

Like a total snoop, I opened up the drawer and scrolled through his cassettes. Majority of them were the real deal and not mixed, except for the ones towards the back. Study Mix 1, Study Mix 2, both scrawled in perfect handwriting. It was when I came across Dance Mix that I decided to pull it out. It was also dated relatively recently, I noticed. Dance Mix seemed totally out of character, but not at the same time. Curious, I slid it into the slot that I had to assume was for cassettes. Cranking the volume almost all the way down, I pressed play.

Teenage Kicks by The Undertones came on, and my jaw popped open. That had to be one of my all-time favorite songs. I bobbed my head, reminiscent of Niamh and me flying around her room to this entire album.

I got so lost halfway through the track that I squealed when an arm appeared in front of me from behind and blasted the volume. I whirled. 

John was grinning down at me, hand still leaning on the turntable, caging me in. “So is this what friends do?”

I swallowed. “Huh?” I couldn’t focus properly with him towering over me like that. His gray sweatsuit made the tan of his skin pop all the more, and damn did it suit him well.

“Snooping around. Playing my music.”

“I–”

Grabbing that same hand I had given him throughout the night. He pulled me into a twirl, so unlike how Charles had grabbed and pulled at me.

“John, no,” I laughed. “You’ll wake up the entire house.”

“Don’t worry, my dear,” he teased. “Parents sleep in the other wing. They can’t hear shit.”

I gasped as he insisted on tugging me into another twirl. “What about your siblings?”

He only began mouthing the words to me. There was really nothing else I could do but bite my lip on another laugh. He looked utterly ridiculous, yet couldn’t seem to care one bit.

I did something equally ridiculous. I joined in.

Scampering away from him, I jumped up on his bed, using my hand as a microphone as I blurted out the lyrics. He was right on my heels. Still on the ground before me, he grabbed my wrist and sang his heart out. It didn’t matter that neither of us was in tune. For the first time in my life, I was on cloud nine without the help of inhaling a substance. I was far away from all of that bullshit, in a different world in comparison.

I made to jump down, but he stopped me by sweeping me completely off my feet, one hand around my back, the other under my knees.

The world stopped as I fell into the pool of navy in his irises . Another song came on, but it was drowned out by the sound of my heart pounding against my chest. Or maybe it was his .

“John.” 

His pupils visibly dilated.

Our faces were so close, I wondered what it felt like if-

“Del!”

As if I were a skittish cat, I scrambled out of his arms, only to see Eddy standing in the doorway. I heard John groan at my back and walk over to the turntable.

The audio came to a screeching halt.

“Hey Eddy,” I cooed, still riding that metaphorical high.

“What you doin'?”

Totally not eye-fucking your brother. “A dance party,” I was quick to say.

“Don’t say that,” John insisted right at my side. “He’ll want to join in.”

I tapped his stomach. “Only because you said that.”

“I wanna join!”

“How about this?” I picked up the toddler and brought him out of the room. “We can put a rain check on the dance party because you have to sleep first. But I promise the second I’m available, you’ll be the first person I ring.”

“But I wanna dance now!” He pouted. I placed him back in his bed. “I don’t like sleeping.”

“Can I tell you a secret?” I said, kneeling to his level as he sat in the bed. He nodded. “Me neither.”

“You and Johnny stay.” I laughed, looking at John, who was perched against the door frame.

“He calls you Johnny? That's adorable.”

“She can’t stay,” he started, obviously ignoring my teasing. “And I’m not either.”

“Fine.” Eddy flung his feet off the bed. “I’m telling.”

“Telling what?”

“ That you and Del won’t have a dance party with me.”

I was hundred percent certain that the dance party would be the least of their worries if their little kid came in talking about some random girl in the house.

“You little shit.”

“John!” I snapped. “Don’t call your brother that."

“Now I’m telling Mammy and Daddy that you said a bad word.”

“Wait, wait,” I protested. “No need for that. I'm …sure we can have a little sleepover here.”

“Yes!”

“What?” John said, disbelief written all over his face. “Won’t your parents wonder where you are? I’m sure Margaret can still drop you home .”

I lied straight through my teeth. “My parents work at the hospital. Night shift. They won’t notice.” Plus, I was sure that if I didn’t listen to the little dictator, I would end up with a scythe in my back courtesy of his parents.

“You sure?”

All I could think about was the times I wished I had an older sibling to keep me company during my sleepless nights. That’s why—especially when I was younger—I was so determined to get as little sleep as possible, as if by staying awake I could somehow outrun tomorrow. I was convinced that tomorrow would be the day my only blood relative wouldn’t wake up.

“I’m sure,” I confirmed, sounding a bit choked.

“Alright,” he conceded, as if knowing my inner thoughts. “I’ll go grab some blankets.”

By the time John returned, Eddy had finished showing me his giraffe stuffy collection. Blankets were laid out on the ground, and John insisted I take ninety percent of them as he made me a makeshift bed.

“Give me one second, I’ll be right back.”

John left once more, only to return a second later with a gray sweater in hand. He held it out to me, looking groggier than ever. He practically flopped onto his makeshift bed without another word.

Unraveling the huge sweater, it read Tommen College, Est 1850 , over the chest. I found it a bit ironic, considering I was the farthest thing from a private school girl, but nonetheless, I popped it on.

Eddy was half asleep along with John, and I found that there was nothing else I could do but try and get some shut-eye in this insane scenario.

Nestling into the plush blankets, my eyes stayed open, expectantly, of course. My guard was still well and fully up in an unfamiliar place.

“Night,” John muttered from next to me.

I relaxed into the blankets at his voice.

“Yeah,” I whispered. It probably had to be a couple of hours till dawn. Still, I said, “Goodnight.”

Chapter Text

John

A mild headache and a bruised fist. Could have been a lot worse, all things considered. I think I have been awake for a bit now , but opening my eyes and absorbing the world around me sounded nauseating.

After a few more minutes of quiet before the storm, I finally mustered up the will to peel my eyes open, only to find my little brother's room was entirely empty.

I remembered every single piece of last night–even the more embarrassing ones that I wished I had forgotten. So, where was my brother and Edel?

My room was empty, and when I got downstairs, there wasn’t a soul to be seen . Except for my father. He was sitting in a blind spot in the TV room that I hadn’t considered before walking in. My focus traveled to the clock above the fireplace.

9:32, it read. I was so fucked.

“That you, son?”

I winced as if hearing nails on a chalkboard. “Yeah, Dad.”

He turned the TV off with the click of the remote. “And do you know what time it is?”

“Yeah, Dad.”

“Hmf.”

That grunt of disapproval was more of a hit than if he were to actually lay a hand on me .

“I’m really sorry. I’ll head out there now.” As soon as I found the missing girl.

He didn’t say anything, just pushed to stand off his lounge chair. He let out a pained noise and slumped back in the chair.

  “Is everything alright?”

“I'm fine, Jonathan!” He said, rubbing his brow. “You have a job, so fecking do it.”

This was the extent of the conversations. Cold shoulders and expectation reminders.

“Ok, ok,” I said, remorsefully. Before I stepped away, the light swell to his face made me pause.

“Are ya deaf, son?” He caught me off guard by saying. “Your mothers went out there looking for you. Go get her before she blows a gasket worrying over ya.”

Fuck. If she were looking for me, I would be getting earfuls from both parents at this rate. “Right, I’m out.”

First, I needed to get to the hose pipe on the side of the barnhouse. Since Edel flushed beetroot red from my impromptu strip show–not my brightest moment–I had slept in the most coverage I could find. Easy to say I was sweating my arse off.

This time, I was actually grateful the water was ice cold in comparison to when it sprayed me when I was cleaning off the troughs. I ditched the crew neck and drenched my face, not caring what other parts of me got soaked.

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!”

Crash.

I blinked the water from my eyes. “Mam!” I shouted. What on earth was she doing in the barn?

Turning off the hose pipe, I ran over to the open barn door. “What's going on?” I stopped short just behind my Mam, her focus completely on the girl sprawled out on the ground in front of one of the shelving units. “Christ, Edel. Are you alright?” A stool was tipped over right next to her, along with the pail that held the singular red rose. The water had completely drenched her.

“I’m fine.” She let me help her up by the elbows. “I thought that was where the chicken feed might be.”

“The chicken feed?” I caught a glimpse of her torn-up hands. Brows raised, I skated my hands down to cup the underside of her palms. “When did this happen?” They definitely hadn't gotten like that from the fall.

She tried retracting her hands, but I held steady with utmost softness, making sure she knew I wasn’t keeping her there if she did want to pull away. She didn’t.

“It’s fine.”

“Edel.”

Her face softened at the genuine concern in my tone. I was pushing, yes, I knew that. But maybe it was time I started to. Taking things at face value wasn’t going to cut it for me anymore. And that went for everything.

“Work,” she surprised me by saying. “Things got a bit rough at work.”

“Give me a name.”

“Huh?”

“A name, Edel.” I stroked my thumbs on the side of her palms, not even meaning to. “I’m sure I know-”

“No, no, it’s nothing like that. If it were, then I would have handled it myself,” she amended. “It was just some old crates I had to move that scratched me up.”

“Oh, I have no doubt in my mind that you could have handled it,” I said with a grin. “Now, can you tell me why you are out here?”

Her chin dipped as if embarrassed. Actually embarrassed . “You mentioned you had to be with the chickens in the morning, and–I didn’t want you to get in trouble over something that I caused.”

There were so many things to unpack there. I was certain she had never stepped foot in a barn, let alone fed some chickens. But what stood out to me the most was that she thought she was liable for my actions. I was the one who decided to act a fool last night. I shouldn’t have retaliated against Charles.

Even if he deserved so much more than a couple of punches.

“Edel, you didn’t cause shit–”

I heard my Mam cough from behind, reminding me that she was well and fully still there. “Language, Jonathan.”

I cringed, turning to find her studying us like we were some lab rats. Angling my body so Edel wasn't in the crossfire, I put on my best face.

“Uh, sorry, Mam.”

“I’m assuming this is the girl that both of my sons have been talking about?”

“Both?” We simultaneously asked.

“Oh, yes,” Mam said, folding her arms over her chest. “Eddy came to me this morning telling me all about how much fun he had at his little sleepover.”

I heard Edel shuffle further into me.

“Mam I can explain–”

“Edel, pet, can you come here so I can get a proper look at you?” Mam wasn’t pissed or even stern. But Edel definitely took it as that.

“I should get going. Sorry for intruding, Mrs. Kavanagh , it won’t happen again.” She made to strew right past Mam, her clothes from last night drenched, and the sweater I gave her long gone.

“You are not walking home on my watch,” Mam protested. “You’ll catch a cold.”

Edel stopped. “But it's the middle of summer? I’m sure I’ll be just fine.”

Not budging, Mam took off her knitted cardigan and began slinging it around Edel’s shoulders. When Edel flinched, she paused. “Mind if I drape this over you, at least?”

Edel shook her head so subtly that I barely registered it. She looked like a total fish out of water talking to my Mam, like someone fussing over her was foreign. If only she knew what it was like living with Mary Kavanagh on a daily basis , she probably would have run for the hills.

“I make’em myself,” Mam informed. “Something to pass the time.”

“Congratulations?”

I clapped my hands. “I can take you home, Edel. If you’d like?”

“Pump the brakes, Jonathan,” Mam insisted, unfazed by Edel’s little remark. “No kid leaves my house hungry.” She asked Edel, “Would you like a bite, pet?”

Edel sure looked like she wanted to bite her.

“I’m grand,” she said plainly.

Throwing her a landline, I remembered how she hadn’t so much as turned in the direction of a dinner roll last night. “She’s being modest,” I said, snagging both their attention. “But I am no such thing. I’m starving Mam, truly.”

Edel’s face was set in an expression that perfectly screamed, “Rat.”

Mam’s eyes narrowed. “I bet you are after using your fourteen-year-old sister as a lift and this poor girl as a pillow.”

A taste of my own medicine, I suppose.

I was really racking up some points in the degeneracy ranking when it came to Mam. Between the incident at the disco and this, I owed her big time. But this needed to happen first. “I can’t get her home unless I’ve eaten first.”

While Mam was far from happy with me, she easily picked up on my notion. “It's settled then. No one can leave till the foods off the table. We can even use the outdoor kitchen since the both of you are drenched and it's quite lovely out.”

She just wanted an excuse to use the outdoor kitchen since we rarely had company these days . There wouldn’t be a single protest coming from me, though. Not when Edel was silently following me out to the kitchen.

“I suppose both of your siblings have a loud mouth, then?” Edel muttered as Mam got the gas going outside.

“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

When Mam came out with some supplies on a tray a few moments later, her gaze lingered on Edel, before jumping to me like she had gotten whiplash.

“Jonathan,” Mam called out, setting the tray on the slate countertop. “Will you please go grab a shirt? You’re scaring the poor girl.”

I was just about to sit at one of the picnic tables when I noticed I was only in a pair of sweats.

“He’s not scaring me,” Edel blurted out. She tugged at the cardigan around her. “I mean–John’s not scary. I’ve seen far worse, so it's…I’m not saying he shouldn’t…”

I’d never seen someone fumble for wording so badly. And I’d seen Eoin and Liam attempt to discuss politics after a half slab of beer.

“I’ll go grab a shirt,” I said, hopping up and putting an end to my Mam, allowing her to vomit up her words. Besides, I had heard enough. He’s not scaring me. That might have been some less-than-bare-minimum words for any man to hear. But coming from Edel’s lips, I was taking it and running.

“Good on ya.” Mam dove headfirst into a full-on fry-up. “This shouldn’t take too long.”

There was no reason to say what I did since my Mam was the safest person I’d ever known. “ You ok if I leave ya out here for a second?”

“Go get your shirt, John,” she demanded. “I’m not your keeper.”

Are you sure about that? Because I don’t know if I am.

I only nodded.

Chapter Text

Edel

“So, Edel,” John’s Ma said when it was just her and I out in the garden. “Tell me a bit about yourself. Besides, you working at that god-awful disco in town.”

“Pardon?”

This lady was whipping up boxtys like it was nobody's business. I’d actually never had a boxty, since on the rare occasion I did eat breakfast, it was at the Balfe’s when Miriam was home from her twelve-hour shifts, and even then, it was just eggs and maybe some extra fatty rashers.

“I didn’t come down last shower, pet. The second my son got in my car after going to that place, I knew my son had met someone . I just don’t know who, yet.”

Oh god, was John talking about me? I wanted to ask her what he had said, but John himself came back out. Fully clothed. Where he was now wearing a T-shirt, the crew neck he had been wearing last night in his hands.

He held it out to me. “Thought you might want options since those can get kinda itchy.” He pointed his sweater in the vicinity of the cardigan I had on.

“It’s grand.” And it was . The material, the pattern, it really looked like it had come from one of those fancy department stores. I still found myself reaching up to grab the sweater. Some switch in my brain had brutally flipped last night. As fucked up as it sounded, seeing John punch the daylights out of Charles made his company…tolerable. Ok, well maybe not just tolerable. But that was all I was willing to admit to myself.

No matter how much the stupid organ in my chest tried to convince me otherwise.

I used my brain first. That was how I had made it to sixteen in the first place. If I had listened to my heart, I would still be in Ballymun. Yeah, that shitty little thing in my chest needed to be locked in a cage. But that still left my brain telling me a bunch of nonsense.

Fuck.

Conan had also been kind to me even when I didn’t deserve it. Easy to reject. So, why did it feel different around him?

I pinned the sweater acceptance down to my inability to refuse the necessities that were clothes. That was it.

Food, on the other hand, was actually easier for me to refuse, but as Mrs. Kavanagh placed a mountain of food in front of me, that refusal couldn’t get past my lips. It smelled fucking delicious.

“She just moved here from Ballymun, Mam.”

My thoughts had dragged me elsewhere, leaving John to speak for me. I had hoped he had been too out of it to remember that little piece of information.

“Ballymun?” Her eyes widened, and I prepared for one of two reactions: disgust or a degrading type of politeness. “I’ve heard that's a very walkable part of Dublin.” She placed a plate similar to mine in front of John, and it took him no time to dig in.

I dared to join him.

“Uh.” That was probably the last thing I had expected. There wasn’t even a hint of disapproval. It wasn’t an out-of-turn question either. Just an aspect about my home that was true. “I suppose it is.” What was even stranger was that the Kavanagh next to me hadn’t made a comment or asked a question. Just filed that information to memory. Woah .

No! Not woah. Not anything.

Once I had gotten my first bite down, my brain was finally able to register how hungry I had been. I was absolutely starving, and if this wasn’t the best food I’d ever had, I didn’t know what was.

For a lady who had just been intruded upon by a random girl, she was being way too pleasant. Both of them were. I could feel the unease building up in my body by the second.

“So, Edel,” Mrs. Kavanagh said, packing up the excess food. And there was a lot. “I was thinking since my stubborn baby Eddy enjoyed your company so much–along with my other son.” John audibly coughed on a bite. “You wouldn’t mind coming around for a few hours during the day to watch him for the rest of the summer?”

Hah! There it was. I shouldn’t have eaten the food because now she would use it against me if I refused. Even if spending a few hours with the adorable little kid sounded delightful , I wasn’t going to stand for this. I had spent way too much of my life paying debts. I wasn’t going to let that follow me around for the rest of it.

“I’ll pass,” I said with a hard tone. “I have a job down–”

“I’m aware, dear." I reminded myself to steer clear of that Margaret girl. "I just think it might be a bit more suitable for a young girl like you to have a good-paying job that doesn’t require you to deal with piss-drunk men.” She dared a glance at her son. “Plus, it would give me more time to focus on my sewing and knitting.”

“Hey!” John exclaimed, up in arms. “I wasn’t piss-drunk and you know it.”

My temper flared at her authoritativeness. It was taking the lot of me to reel it in since she was offering me something no one ever had. A paying job, that was suitable for a sixteen year old.

“I’m aware,” I parroted while keeping my voice steady. “But it’s convenient and I can keep out of trouble.”

She seemed disappointed. This lady had the nerve to be disappointed in me. Fuck this. Eating what I could, I got to my feet. “I want to go home now.”

John was definitely not done eating, but he tidied up a bit and stood with me. “Can I…” his words drifted off when he addressed his Ma.

She sighed softly. “Yes, but then you’re right back here. No car privileges for a week after that, and I mean it. I’m not budging this time.”

I almost wanted to laugh at the little slap on the wrist. I didn’t, considering I was the one who had earned him that slap on the wrist.

I started to peel off the cardigan as I approached Mrs. Kavanagh, but she held up a stifling hand. “Keep it dear, I have plenty.” She practically shoved a Tupperware container into me. “We’re always looking for a way to get rid of the eggs at this place, so please take some.”

“I don’t need your charity,” I snapped, not able to help it. My nerves, my instincts, everything was screaming at me to get the hell away from here.

“Charity?” She asked, incredulously. “Why on earth would that be considered charity? You’d be doing us a favor.”

Charity or not, my body was buzzing and in the total opposite way in which it needed to be. I needed to go.

“You ready?” John said, coming over, keys in hand.

I nodded frantically, a lump lodged too deep in my throat to speak up.

We were walking around to the side of the house where the garages were when I heard Mrs. Kavanagh call out, “The offer stands throughout the summer, Edel. John will give you the house number if you change your mind.”

I didn’t react. Too afraid of how I would if I took my focus off the steps in front of me.

~

“So about last night,” John started as we came to a stop in front of my flat. “I wanted to apologize for lashing out.”

I had cooled down immensely after I had crawled into his car. The silence he had offered me was nothing short of glorious as I forced my thoughts to stop whizzing through me.

“John, you don’t need to apologize,” I mumbled. “I dug the grave, there was no need for you to join me in it.”

“Well, that sounds awful lonely.”

It was.

“Like I said before, I’m not your keeper.” I turned to look out the window. “And you sure as fuck aren’t mine.”

“You’re damn right I’m not,” he said like he was angry. Finally. I had finally gotten that inability to show anger towards me to poke its head out. “But I wasn’t going to stand by and watch you struggle to get away from Charles Wilkinson . That guy is the biggest jerk I’d ever have the displeasure of crossing paths with at school.”

Exactly.

“Then I’m glad we could reach an agreement.” I threw open the door. If I had to listen to any more of this, I was going to explode. John didn’t deserve that. There was enough sense in my head to know that, at least. I needed someone who did deserve the anger. An asshole like Charles Wilkinson to relieve the harshly sobering build-up in my head.

“And what are we agreeing on exactly?” No, no, no! The anger was gone, and its place was sternness, but also patience.

“Goodbye, John.” I slammed the door. In return, John opened his and climbed out. “Get back in your damn car!”

He was silent as he rounded the car, coming to me, a singular piece of paper in his hand. He placed it atop the Tupperware container. “Call me when you understand.”

Completely thrown off kilter, I watched him out of pure confusion. “Understand what?”

“That it might be physically impossible for me to not be on your team.” He pointed at the paper and I was pretty sure I had stopped breathing. “If you don’t, I might be able to cope. But fuck do I hope that its your voice on the other end of the line.”

This guy had to be some kind of wizard or something, because what the fuck was he doing to my body? To my head? His actions spoke far louder than any words I had ever heard; still, when he did offer me words, they were always right . Placing an imaginary muzzle over my mouth, I stormed away, silently begging him to understand something as well. That he had just given me my new drug of choice, and I was proven to have addictive tendencies.

I heard him drive off as soon as I got in the door. Rage still soared through me, but I didn’t know at what exactly.

It wasn’t till I shut the door behind me that I had been offered my target on a silver platter. I didn’t bristle. I didn’t pounce. I didn’t flinch. In fact, I was glad he showed up.

Fuck, who was I kidding? I was scared. I wanted to turn around and bolt after John’s car.

“Playing house, are we?”

Kipper. Kipper was standing in the middle of the studio. My bag in hand.

“Who do you think you are, showing up here?” I yelled. “And how the fuck did you find me?”

He always did. For as long as I can remember, he has been in my life. It wasn’t till my Ma had fallen into a more than costly addiction that he actually interacted with me. The only resource that I could parasitically rely on, even if he was the leech.

“I really don’t think you’re in the position to be asking questions, girl.” He lifted the flap of my bag, and I felt my anger already begin to falter. I couldn’t let the fear take over. I wasn’t weak. “Looks like you’ve been keeping the business alive. Good on ye for starting a new branch.” He pulled out the two, more than half-empty bags of drugs. His drugs.

Oh. He was going to kill me. I had stolen probably thousands of dollars' worth of products. Maybe I was dead already, and this had all just been some sort of dream.

Kipper started walking towards me, as real as ever. I held my ground no matter how much I wanted to crumble on the spot. “That Will kid sure had no problem spilling his guts if you give him the right incentive.”

Will was the only one who remotely knew about my whereabouts.

“What did you do to him?” And there it was. I had exposed my underbelly as easily as that.

He smiled that sickening, serpentine smile. “I would watch it with the accusations if I were you. Chatted up with that Gilly lady for a bit to learn all about what you've been doing for the past month. And don't worry that pretty face of yours, she thought I was your worrying father or some shit. All the information came up voluntarily.”

Now I wouldn't be stepping foot back into that disco, whether that be my choice or Kippers.

His tongue clicked, disappointed in what he was finding. When he pulled out the fat wad of cash I had earned, all hell broke loose.

“That's not yours!” I barked.

“On the contrary, my girl.” He pointed down at the ground where he had discarded the bags. “You owe me big time.”

He eyed the cash, a grin tugging at the corner of his lips that made my skin crawl. “So you really are your mother's child.”

My expression fell like I had been slapped.

“There's clearly not enough here, and I know no employee of mine would ever undervalue.”

I went on the defensive. “It was just the hash. I can pay you back with what I've been earning at the disco.”

“And abandon my company's new branch?” He pocketed the cash. “C’mon, Edel, you know I'm a better businessman than that.”

“You’re no businessman,” I spat. “You're a crook, is what you are.”

“Oh?” His footsteps resumed, getting closer to me. It was too late to consider running anymore. All I could think about was how I had left the only person who could get me out of this. But you had been cruel to him. You don't deserve his help.

I straightened when he went fishing around in another one of his pockets. “Then what does that make you?” His hand came flying out at me, but where I expected a hit, he snatched up my elbow. Everything in my arms went crashing to the ground.

I pulled and pulled, but he wouldn't relent. “Let go of me!”

I tried to kick at him, but his grip was bruisingly steady. His other hand came out of this pocket. A syringe was clasped between his fingers.

“No!” Panic like I had never felt before filled me to the brim. The syringe went into the crook of my arm, and I screamed. “Stop! No!”

The instantaneous warmth that filled my veins burned like hot lava. It got to a debilitating point where the fight went out of me. I had nothing more to give.

The needle came out almost as quickly as it went in, and as soon as he let go of me, I also went crashing to the floor, my breath heaving.

“Ooh,” I heard Kipper coo. “Looks like you're in bigger debt to me than you thought. Don't worry, you can pay it off when I finish setting up my contacts around here.”

I wanted to say something, anything. But my tongue began feeling lighter than air along with the rest of my body. I felt nothing.

“You have fun,” I heard a strange voice say. “I’ll go make those contacts.” That was the last thing I remembered before the world was consumed by colors I could taste.

I was everything my mother was and more.

Chapter Text

John

“Ya know, there are much better things to be doing than this?” I was in our massive hen house, making sure all the egg-retrieval latches that led outside were shut.

“It’s not like we can do much since it's thoroughly pissing it down outside,” El said from the other side of the house. I had told her to stop shoving her hands around the hens since they were known to bite. Viciously. But that girl loved animals and couldn’t help but go back after every “ Ouch! ”

“Besides,” Liam said, playing catch with himself with one of the eggs he boasted about retrieving. “We haven’t seen you in a handful of days and that's not acceptable after the shit you pulled at Ellie’s. Thought we’d bring the party to you.”

Yeah, that would be because I haven’t had access to a car, and I was drowning myself in work outside.

“I think I’ll pass on the parties for a while.” Moving on to the next latch, I made sure to give extra space to Bessy since she took a particular liking to tormenting me. “What you saw that night was a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence.”

“Boo, no fun.” Ellen turned with a hen in her hand.

“Put Giraffe down!”

She put a protective hold around the smaller hen. “Aw, Eddy named this one?”

“Yeah.” I continued down the line. “She’s one of the nicer ones that Mam actually lets him around.”

“And cuddly,” she added.

“It’s not a puppy, Ellie,” Liam said, progressively throwing his egg higher. “No one should have to fall victim to their cruelty.”

“You’re just saying that because Bessy almost took your finger off last time,” I threw over my shoulder to Liam. “But seriously, El, even Giraffe has a mean streak in her.”

“Leave me alone, will ya?” Ellen snapped, looking instantly remorseful. Her chin dipped. “I’m getting a bit fed up with people telling me what to do.”

“Since when has Liam or I even attempted to tell you what to do?” I was quick to add. “Last time I remember us playing swords as kids, you were the captain, bossing us around.”

“Sure did.” Her expression didn’t match her upbeat tone.

Although I didn’t care to be enveloped by the drama, I couldn’t stand seeing my friend looking so down. It brought down the atmosphere of the entire room, no matter how big it was. “What's going on, El?”

“It’s nothing.” She brought the chicken up in front of her face. “Isn’t that right, Mr. Giraffe?”

With an excessively forceful throw, Liam launched his egg up in the air. The shell cracked, raining egg down right on his head.

“Ya, eejit!” I spat. I knew damn well that I would be the one cleaning that up.

“Whatever, Kav.” He stood just outside the door frame, allowing the rain to lash down on him. “Don’t mind me!”

Whatever was right .

“So, what did end up happening with Wilkinson?” I asked, steering the conversation elsewhere. “Haven’t heard anything about Mack Mammy ringing mine, so I’m assuming it cooled down.”

El huffed a laugh. “Yeah, Charles fled with his tail between his legs, and surprisingly, no one called the Gard. Turned out to be a smashing party.”

Glad to hear someone had a good time.

“How did the clown mobile get home?” Liam shouted over the rain. “Talk about whipped puppy when Edel dragged you outta there.”

“Pack it in, Cal. Don’t get me started on your little escapade– ow! ” An egg came flying at me and cracked right on my shoulder. “You are so fucking dead!”

I flipped up the last hatch and swiped an egg from the Cupcakes area–my favorite chicken. Charging after my friend, Liam gave me the finger before legging it farther out into the rain.

“Wait for me!” El laughed from behind.

I launched my egg, smacking into the dead center of his back. Liam went down like a sack of spuds.

“Ah! Kav!” Liam groaned as he pushed up with his arms when I finally caught up. “I think you've paralyzed me.”

“Get up ya big baby.” I held out a hand. “The blood and guts have already washed away. You're fine.”

He only glared at me, shoving my hand away.

Out of nowhere—thanks to the loud rain drowning out any noise outside a meter radius—a loud crack sounded right atop my dome. It was only for a second that I considered it being lightning, but I knew what followed wasn't thunder. Turning, El had the widest grin on her face, her hands covered in evidence.

Liam wiped the running yolk off his face. “Did she just—”

“Yeah.” I deadpanned.

Without so much as a glance of communication, Liam and I swiped the egg remnants off our heads and flung them at El.

“Assholes!” she spluttered. “The both of ya!”

It was then that I saw the circular bulge in her shorts pocket. She was already reaching for it.

“Can’t throw eggs in the house!” I shouted before bolting for the mudroom.

Liam did a double-take before realizing what she had in store. “Shit!”

She chased us all the way back to the side entrance. I flung it open and practically threw myself inside. Liam was right behind, landing right on top of me.

The wind was knocked straight out of me. “Get…your…fat ass…off of me!”

He was too busy pointing and laughing at a pissed Ellen that stood outside the door like a vampire that hadn't been invited in.

Luckily, no egg had been tracked in, but that didn't mean the tiled floor wasn't flooded.

“Just get in here, El, before my house turns into the Atlantic.”

Stubbornly, she kept the egg in her hand and walked in. Grabbing towels from the cupboard, I threw them at my friends without looking. “I have fifteen minutes for lunch before I have to get back out there.”

“Jesus, Kav,” Liam said, ruffling his blonde hair with the towel. “Do you get a retirement fund while you’re at it?”

“You’re standing in it,” El answered, drying herself off.

“Yeah, well, it's not like I have any help out there. Fifteen minutes is all I can allow.”

It was quiet. When I wiped my face off, I glanced over to the pair giving each other odd looks.

“What?” I asked.

“Oh, nothing,” El started, only this time it was a nothing she would elaborate on. “It’s just that–ya know we are more than willing to help around if you need it. You know how my Mam gets with the whole ‘It's not ladylike for a girl like you to have a summer job.’ But I have too much spare time on my hands. Eoin even said he would join in since he’s usually at home.”

Liam piped in. “And even though I’m at the clubhouse most of the time, I can definitely be here. Anything to get away from that nagging Grandmother of mine at home,” he laughed.

I didn’t know what to say. I felt awkward being given such a generous offer, as well as knowing they had been talking about me behind my back. The farm was my responsibility, plus I had the work ethic down to a tee, so it really wasn’t a big deal. Adding people would just mess that up.

“Thanks, guys, but you don’t have to,” was what I went with. “I have it under control.”

“We’re sure you do, but–” El started.

“Can we just drop it?” I pushed. I needed this conversation to be over.

“Kav.”

The phone rang from the kitchen, saving me from an uncomfortable chat with the girl who never got over anything. “I better get that.”

I knew no one else would since Mam was locked away in her sewing room with Eddy at this hour and Dad had rarely got off his ass this entire summer. Margaret was god knows where so that left me.

I got into the kitchen and picked up the landline on the sixth ring. “Kavanagh residence.”

“Jonathan?”

“McGill?”

“Hey, are you available?”

Fuck. Was Margaret onto something about Henry?

“What do you need?”

He was silent for a few heartbeats, and something in my gut stirred at that.

“Uh–it’s Edel.”

My heart did stop.

“What's going on? Is she okay?”

“I–uh, she's okay…I think.”

“You think?” I snapped. “You better cop on right now, McGill, or so help me–”

“Chill out, lad!” He urged. “I found this number with her, and since she doesn’t have any–” He stopped himself abruptly. “Listen, can you get to the disco quickly? I don’t really know what to do here.”

“Yeah,” I said without missing a beat. “I’ll be down there in a second.”

I hung up the phone and ran back to the mudroom. “Give me your keys, Cal.” Both of them turned to glare at me with a heated look like they had been in the middle of an argument. “I don’t wanna know,” I added.

“You have your own,” Liam shot at me.

“My Mam has the keys. Just please, it’s urgent.”

“Is everything alright?” El asked, dropping the hard expression on her face.

“No,” I said honestly. “Which is why I need Liam to fork over his keys.”

If I were ringed from the paper that I had given Edel, I had no doubt that it was urgent.

Now it was Liam's expression that was faltering. “Fine,” he relented, picking up on my rising panic. He reached into his pocket. “But if you so much as scratch her, your ass is scrapped.”

“Thanks.” I swiped the keys out of his hand. “I’ll be right back. If my Mam comes back, do what you guys do best and distract her. She thinks you both are angels.”

I shot out the door.

“Because we are!” They both said with a teasing lilt.

As soon as I got to Liam’s powder blue Ford Pop, I had no time to revel in the beauty that was the car his Granda had polished up and handed to him. No, I sped off in the rain like a madman.

~

By the time I got to the disco, my head was reeling. I couldn’t wrap my head around what could cause Henry to call me in such a panic.

I shoved through the doors of the disco, only to see an out-of-it Edel being held by Henry on the ground near the bar. My stomach plummeted to the floor.

“The fuck?” I stormed over. Henry’s eyes shot up to me. “Tell me this had nothing to do with you.”

“It doesn’t, it doesn’t,” he said quickly. “I found her like this.”

“What do you mean, found her ?”

She was still in the same goddamn, brown leather bell bottoms she had worn the night of the party almost five days ago now. Only difference was that she had the crew neck on that I had given her, and her hair was a tangled mess.

  “I was going–to her house, and I found her by herself like this. I don’t know what she took, but it was definitely something.”

Her bleary eyes blinked every so often, but were definitely not registering any of her surroundings. She was keeping her slumped back up for the most part. Everything else was out of her control.

Fuck, were her parents ever home?

“I can take her to my house. Get her some food and company till whatever she took passes through.”

The extent of my knowledge of drugs started and ended with the tranquilizers we kept in the stables. Sure, I had been around hash smokers plenty and even indulged once–never again, though. All I remembered was Eoin laughing at me as I felt my heartbeat in my eyes. Anyway, this seemed different from when I had driven her to the beach. She could at least speak and recognize me. This--this was a lot to take in. But there was no time to linger.

Henry held her steady as I bent to help her, but I gathered her in my arms entirely. Her pupils were wholly blown out when they did manage to find me.

“John?” She whispered.

My throat felt clogged at the desperation in her voice. “I’m here,” I croaked.

Her arms wrapped around my neck so tightly, it was like she didn’t believe me. “I’m here,” I repeated, holding her almost as tightly. I lifted my chin to Henry, who began leading the way out. “Have you ever found her like this before?”

He racked his brain for what felt like forever. “No. For the time she’s been in Ballylaggin, I’ve only seen a joint between her lips. Not a crack pipe or anything like that.”

I blew out a breath, “Jesus.” There was so much that I didn’t know about her. I found myself slowly falling into the deep end with a stranger, but there was no way I could let her do that when she didn’t know how to fucking swim.

“You know how to drive, McGill?” I asked when we got back out in the rain.

He was awe-stricken. “You’d let me drive your car?”

Fuck no, but this isn’t mine so… 

“Yeah.” And there's also no way I’m having Edel so much as lift a hand off me, was what I didn’t mention.

When we got in the car, I tossed my keys up front, keeping Edel cradled towards me.

“I’ll instruct you, just get going.”

With a nod, Henry drove us back to the farmhouse.

Chapter Text

“Get up, you have a run to make in twenty.”

“I’m up.” Barely.

I made the run. Barely

“You have another one tomorrow.”

“No more. I'm done.”

I hadn’t expected the needle the second time . Another debt.

As whatever Kipper injected into me the second time made its way through my system, I forced myself to tolerate it. Use numbness as a strength. He would leave me to rot in the flat. When I heard the door open again, I was expecting another demand. But it was an angel calling my name . Floating me around like I was utterly weightless.

“I’m calling for help, ok?”

Whatever you say, Angel.

Then I was flying. Well and truly flying.

I crashed into the dark, blue waters of the ocean. Flying, then drowning. But I could breathe .

“John?” It was a boy, as big as a wave on the coast.

“I’m here . ”

I grasped onto whatever was tangible, not wanting the current to take me under. It was a life raft.

“I’m here.”

~

“Has anyone told you what a lovely–kitchen–you have, Mam? I swear it gets more beautiful every time I visit.” A girl. The wildfire.

“Crap.” A boy. John. “We’re gonna have to go around front.”

“Lead the way, Kavanagh.” An Angel.

~

“You can sleep, it’s ok.”

I was tangible because he was tangible.

“I know. Just…don’t…let go.” Words.

“I’m here.”

Chapter Text

Edel

“Out, Eddy.” A whisper-hiss slowly pulled me from the clouds. Tired; not tired, soaring; crashing.

My head was spinning as I slowly sat myself up on the mattress. A mattress . Not hardwood that I had previously woken up from. The comedown had been different last time. More groggy and harder to process where the fuck I was. Who the fuck I was.

This time, I knew exactly where I was.

John was shooing his little brother out of the room, Eddy putting up quite a protest.

“What–” I coughed at the dryness in my throat. “What's going on?”

Eddy lit up like a spark, making a beeline for the bed. “Del!” He was running towards me, but I was wholly fixated on his brother, who was glued to the spot. Something like relief flashed on his face, causing pressure to build behind my eyes.

When Eddy sprang onto the bed, I snapped my gaze away, putting on a face for everyone's sake.

“Can we play with my Giraffes again?” The kid was a total ball of energy that in no way I could match.

“I–” My voice caught, unable to form an answer of any kind.

“Leave her be, ya toe-rag,” John cut in by saying. “Go ask El. She’s in Margaret's room.”

I gave Eddy an encouraging nod when he stayed near. “I was only trying to help," he muttered.”

“Help what?” I pushed. If Eddy knew what state I had been in for God knows how long, I would kick my arse into oblivion.

“You said you didn’t like to sleep,” Eddy admitted. “You kept me safe. So I wanted to do the same for you.”

I couldn’t help it. The tears sprang free with a choked, quiet sob.

“Del–”

“Now, Eddy,” John urged in a calm but stern tone.

“I’m ok,” I reassured the kid. “I promise.” I was so far from ok, but there was no way I was going to let him know that. Let anyone know that.

Once Eddy was sufficiently convinced, John shut the door. “El left some clothes in the bathroom if you want-”

I shot out of the bed, swaying slightly with a banging headache. I ignored John's move to help me. He had done enough.

As soon as I shut myself into the bathroom, I let the uncontrollable sobs consume me. No matter the emotion, if it got to be too much, tears followed. I couldn’t help it. There wasn’t even a specific feeling to pinpoint. It was just too much. 

Anger, at myself, at the world. Despair, pain, all of it. Below all of the thick blanket of oily hatred was a sliver of something. Something that didn’t want me to shut John out. But that was exactly what I had just done.

On the sink were a change of clothes and a hairbrush. Not thinking, I bolted into the shower, needing to wash it all away.

I tore my clothes off, chucking them on the floor. Turning the shower onto the hottest setting, not taking in the sheer beauty of the mosaic tiling, I let the water scald me. The burning water washed the tears away, the days of filth I had rotted in while I was soaring out of my mind. I needed not to feel any of it.

I lathered the fresh-smelling bar of soap all over me, still choking out sobs as I willed myself to not be a dirty druggy . 

I am not my mother. I am not my mother. I am not my mother!

When I saw two harsh pin-pricks on the crook of my arm, I folded. I crumbled to the floor, scrubbing and scrubbing at the gnarly, festering splotches of red.

Minutes pass, and steam fogs the entire bathroom. I sit there, letting the half-used bar of soap clatter out of my hands as I stare aimlessly at the edge of the tub. 

A knock finally comes, followed by that voice . “Edel?”

I’m here.

My body wasn’t my own as I stepped out of the shower, water still running. Like a moth to a flame, I tore the door open, looking as deranged as I felt.

Navy pools.

“Oh, shit!” John said, averting his eyes.

I was motionless.

When he realized that I wasn’t moving–couldn’t move, his shoulders sagged as he kept his head turned. Without a word, he went around me and grabbed a towel from the shelf above the toilet.

Ever so gently, he wrapped the soft fabric around me. After shutting off the water, he guided me to sit on the faux wood stump near the sink. His hands came up to grasp each side of my face, and I didn’t flinch. My lips quivered instead, as he watched me with compassion I could barely stomach.

“What happened, Edel?”

That question grounded me enough, to where some sense of reality flushed out the steam that clouded my head. “Give me a minute,” I whispered, averting my own gaze, but always coming back. “Please.”

Heavy breaths left us both, then he reluctantly removed his hands from my face. He looked like he was heading for the door, just , to turn and step into the still-soaked tub. He sat on the ledge, back towards me.

I didn’t ask. Didn’t protest. Didn’t even ask myself what on earth he was getting at. I grabbed the fresh pants and white vest and pulled them on. My dripping hair splattered all around me, little droplets and streams of water, sending a chill throughout me. The steam of the shower and scalding water had made the bathroom impossibly hot, yet my body was shivering like I had stepped into the Arctic. 

John’s sweater. I needed it. Grabbing the dirty sweater from the ground, I tossed it on.

I didn’t remember when I had initially put it on. I think it was right before I made the run Kipper had sent me on. I had been freezing then as well.

John kept his back towards me as I lifted a shaky hand towards the hairbrush. I watched myself stroke the bristles through my hair, but there was no resistance. I couldn’t feel it. How was it that I could feel everything, but on the outside, I was numb? My skin was irritated–rashy from the scrubbing. I couldn’t feel it.

I tugged harder on the brush, dragging it through my hair. The tears built up again. My face contorted into something like disgust.

I pulled and pulled on my hair, brushing till I finally felt the harsh tug against my scalp. The sound of hair tearing through the bristles caused John's head to snap around in the mirror. I couldn’t stop.

He rushed over, stepping through puddles of water to reach me. His hand met resistance as he tried to pull the handle from my grasp. I was stuck. Sweeping any reminisce of the drug-filled haze I had–and was still partially trying to escape.

I was crying again. Fucking crying. Only this time, instead of crumbling to the ground, strong arms wrapped around me, halting my forceful movements. I broke down . In his arms.

I turned in his grip, falling into him. We stood like that for I don’t know how long. It was blissful silence that swallowed up every thought swirling in my head, till I was finally able to say, “You’re here.” I didn’t know if it was a question, a plea, or if I was trying to convince myself.

His arms tightened on me slightly. Grounding me.

“If you want to talk to El, I can bring her,” he informed me. “She did some covering and I’m sure she would–”

My arms shot out and around his torso, stretching that silence I so desperately needed. I liked the girl, but I didn’t get one word in during the short time I was in that changing room with her back at that clubhouse.

I needed this. But I needed him to understand something more.

“John,” I said at an almost inaudible level.

His thumb soothingly traced the edge of my shoulder blade, eliciting a whole ‘nother shiver to go up my spine.

“One condition,” I said, referring back to another drug-induced haze he had found me in. Only this time, I needed to swallow what little pride I had left.

“Done.”

“John, please.” He had to stop being so willing when it came to me. I was a bad bet when it came to anyone wanting to get closer to me. I also couldn't afford to let anyone in. Never again. But this boy had already seen so much of me in the little over a month that I’d known him, than maybe I had exposed to anyone else. I had to put down a barrier that not only would protect me, but also him. “I can’t give you the answers you deserve.”

I couldn’t pull him under with me.

He pulled back to look at me, and I immediately missed the sturdiness of his weight against me. Still, his hands were steadily cupping my arms. His eyes flicked to the sweater, then to me. Grabbing my right hand, the same one he had branded with his touch after that debacle of a party, he led me out of the bathroom.

We stopped in front of his wardrobe, my insides suffering from an amalgamation of innate skepticism, hunger of every kind, and a growing sense of defeat.

He fished out a new sweater, a simple red one, from a drawer and held it before him.

“Lift your arms, darling.”

He was throwing my already frazzled self into a blender. My mouth went dry, if that was even possible, due to the intense dehydration I was experiencing.

I willingly did as he instructed and lifted my arms. His hands found the hem of the oversized sweater I wore and gently peeled it off me, leaving me in the damp vest that clung to my skin. I swore I heard him bite his tongue as he took me in.

Discarding the old sweater, he trained his gaze on my arms, sliding the red sweater over and down me. His hands traveled up and around to the nape of my neck, where he freed the long strands of my hair from under the sweater.

It was so meticulous, so gentle that it almost made me dizzy.

I knew there was a storm brewing in his head. I had no idea what he had fully seen. I had questions myself on how I had gotten here in the first place, or how long I had been out for. All I knew was that it was necessary I get back to Kipper because I was currently a dead girl walking.

“One condition,” John said, and I nodded, relieved it hadn’t been a question. “You come to me when you need convincing of what you deserve.”

I couldn’t unpack that. Not now. I knew what I deserved, but I also knew that didn’t align with what John thought I deserved. Right now, I silently begged for that quiet that I only found around him. Not only the actual quiet that filled the room. But the quiet that filled my head.

“Is at least one of your parents home?” He surprised me by asking. “Because I’m not taking you back there to be left alone.” He pushed a hand through his hair. “Fuck, I'm half tempted to not take you back there at all. I’m really out of my depth here, Edel.”

Keep me.

“I’m getting help,” I lied, avoiding the question. I think we both knew he was already asking questions he wasn’t supposed to. “But like I said,” I pushed down the snappy tone. “You need to be on the outskirts.”

The storm was raging behind his eyes. He eventually blew out a breath. “The outskirts have to entail getting you some food, then,” he stated plainly.

I was sure neither of us knew what the outskirts meant. Either way, based on survival alone, I couldn’t afford to pass on the offer.

I took a testing step, only to be met with shaky legs.

“Let me,” he said, wrapping an arm around my waist, holding me up with ease.

I had questions myself, but I was far too much of a coward to voice them. For now, I would suffer with the mystery of why John was taking that bet.

Chapter Text

John

The sun had well and fully set ; in fact, it was around ten o’clock that we had finally made it to the beach.

Ellen had to leave, but she had rung Eoin to come by. I hadn’t realized why she had done that till he had gone outside and begun wrapping up hay. I had protested up until the point where Edel said she could call her home. It was almost desperate the way she put it, like she had to get home quickly. But that had to be a lie.

I couldn’t fucking resist it. Leaving Eoin to do some simple work in the barn, I had gotten Edel into my car, courtesy of Ellen’s sticky fingers. While she had been buttering up Mam, by some miracle, she had found my keys and covered my ass in more ways than I could ever repay her for. How I had gotten so lucky in the friend department, I’d never know.

While the girl next to me might’ve been the most difficult to understand, it sure as hell wasn’t hard to try. Her head might have been a maze, but I wanted to be the Theseus to travel the paths. I’d never met anyone like her . Beauty , complexity, depth, all of it. Yes, there were a lot of complexities, but despite it all, I found it easy to stumble upon remedies.

She wasn’t good with words, that was for sure, so I gave her the time to work it out until she was ready to voice it or not. She didn’t like to be touched, so I only took what she gave me. That being a singular hand.

All of it was incredibly worth it to just get a glimpse over the walls she shoves in front of her. It also made it worth it when she did find her voice, and it was directed at some bigot. Whether I wanted to admit it or not, her snapping at someone made my chest squeeze with something I had never felt before. Like I was being electrocuted simply because I was witnessing a spark ignite. It had been the first thing that snagged my attention behind that bar she ran.

I knew what I saw in Edel was different from anything I had seen in any other girl. That's why I was holding onto whatever this was with a fervor that scared the everloving shite out of me. I had no clue what I was doing, but I had to be doing something right if Edel was sitting next to me, eating the chips from the only chipper in town open this late.

Her toes shifted in the sand, and we watched the moon pull the tide in. “Thank you.”

The first words she’s said in a while.

“You don’t have to thank me for one punt chips,” I said, keeping my elbows draped over my propped-up knees. We were so close that if I straightened , our legs would be touching.

“Well, that too,” she said, putting another chip in her mouth with a still-shaking hand. “But thank you for…just…thank you.”

My lips tilt up at the adorable way she confidently stumbles over her words. I responded with a nod, not entirely sure what she was thanking me for then.

“How did your Ma get into sewing?” She asked after a few laps of the shore.

“Oh?” I honestly didn’t know. “She’s been doing it for as long as I can remember. We have some family friends that she met when she lived in London for a bit that she credits for piquing her interest , but she barely talks about them, and I only met them once, and I was a baby then . That woman is perfectly content with sitting in that sewing room of hers for hours at a time.” I huffed a laugh. “I’m certain she could spend days in there if she didn’t have us three to worry about.”

Edel swirls her finger in the sand between us absentmindedly. “You speak fondly of her.”

An odd thing to respond with, but I shrug. “How could I not? She’s the whole reason I have a sliver of a chance of doing what I like.”

“And what is that?”

Spending time with you. “Golfing, studying–going to school.” She snorts, as expected. “I suppose you’re going to call me a swot as well?”

“As well,” she admits plainly. “It’s refreshing.”

I hadn’t expected that.

“Hitting the books wasn’t very popular at my old school.” Her voice grew more distant. But it was there. “I’m glad it’s different for you. Putting those law books to use and all.”

“Quite the snooper,” I pointed out.

“I wouldn’t call it snooping if it's right out in the open.”

“Touche,” I relented. “I guess you could say I’m used to the snooping with a fourteen-year-old sister and a three-year-old who is right next door.”

“Has to be interesting to almost be off to uni and have a baby brother that hasn’t even started school yet.”

Maybe it was unfair that she got to dive deeper into my life while she kept me at a distance, for some, that is. While I didn’t appreciate the nosiness of my friends or family, this was different. She wasn’t necessarily asking probing questions, but rather taking an actual interest in aspects of my life no one really asked about.

“My parents had me later in life. They had Marge because they didn’t want me to be an only child. Eddy just so happened to be a…”

“A happy little accident?” She chided, her posture brightening as she filled in my lack of wording. I had to assume she had heard that in that exact tone many times over.

I chuckled. “Exactly.”

She went back to drawing in the sand, circling a tiny, green piece of sea glass. “Don’t take it for granted, John.”

“The happy little accident that is Eddy?” I teased.

“Exactly.” I found that she was far from teasing.

Her head found my shoulder, and my nerves shot to attention. I was seventeen, dammit. Not some fifth-year that just caught a glimpse of a girl's thigh. I had seen much more than a girl's thigh, but this felt far more intimate than any of that. I sat there, not breathing, afraid that any sudden movement would have her scrambling away.

When she didn’t, I slid the back of my palm against the sand, scooping her hand into mine, and intertwining my fingers with hers. She was such a breath of fresh air, despite being surrounded by it.

She squeezed my hand, but not out of reassurance or even in a positive connotation. I could feel her hand still slightly trembling. I squeezed back.

“Can you–tell me how I ended up at your house?” Her voice was filled with unmistakable shame. I had a feeling it was the reason she kept her head on me, to avoid having to look at me.

“Henry called,” I answered, honestly. I imagined if I ever lied to her, she would catch it in a second, sniffing it out like a bloodhound. “He said he found you–out of it.”

She shuddered, and I squeezed her hand once more.

“Would you be able to at least tell me –” I stopped myself. I assumed asking her how often she was out of it –to put it lightly–but that was probably a question that would send her running. “Do you still have my number on you?”

I felt her nod against my shoulder.

“I don’t want to hear Henry’s voice on the other end of that call again.”

Her head popped up to look at me, but I kept my head straight ahead. “Excuse you?”

There it was. I didn’t know if it was that smile that she rarely showed of hers or that snippy tone she got when someone challenged her that sent my heart gunning more.

I tried desperately to keep the dimple in my cheek from pushing in. “I want you calling that line, not Henry McGill,” I said, matter-of-factly.

“Okay, and I only said I had your number, not that I’d be calling it.”

“That's fine,” I said as if I could give less of a shit. I did. A whole lot. “But you’re the only one I’ve given that number. Consider it a privilege. You should definitely treat it like that.”

“Well, excuse me,” she drawled, getting more riled up by the second. “How could I have forgotten you live in a fucking castle and I’m a mere peasant in comparison.” She rolled her eyes.

“Don’t tell me you weren’t treated like royalty in Ballymun.”

I definitely caught her off guard. There was no way to go around her little retort, so I went for a different approach.

“Depends on what you call royalty,” she rebounded with a feigned sort of confidence, sounding more breathy than before.

I finally faced her fully, devouring that inhumanely perfect face with my eyes. “Stunning,” was all I said.

She watched me. I watched right back. A game of chicken in its own right. My gaze flicked to those flushed lips of hers without even thinking. Fuck . I wanted to taste those lips. Wanted to taste everything she was willing to give. It was an almost painful thought since all I was doing was driving myself to insanity with something so foreign. The closest thing I could chalk it up to was desperation. I was fucking desperate for a mere caress of her lips on my skin.

“What else?” She pushed, her eyes hooded as they roamed over my face, that small bite of anger still there and damn did I savor it.

“An attitude to topple countries. Beauty is pointless if there isn’t a mouth to back it up.” I probably should have regretted my words, but I didn’t, too transfixed on the siren luring me in.

Her face had grown so close to me that we shared breath. I hadn’t noticed my face had lowered to meet hers. Her lips coasted over mine, almost touching, but not quite. That genuine confidence returned to her body with a surge.“Do you have a habit of bossing royalty around then, Jonathan?”

Holy fuck.

She stood abruptly, leaving cool air to wash over me like a bucket of cold water. I had to physically catch my breath as she walked away with it .

What just happened?

Blinking, I forced myself to come back to reality. Only this was reality, and the girl who had “fantasy” written all over her was walking away. I stood and went after her.

“Where the hell are you going?” I asked her back.

“Home.” She didn’t stop.

“And how do you suppose you do that?” I was getting a serious case of deja vu.

“I have legs, John.”

“Damn straight you do.”

Her belligerent steps faltered, and I had to smother a laugh.

“Just get in the car, Edel. I’ll take you home.”

Maybe Liam was right in calling me a whipped puppy, as I actively chased after her when she had left me high and dry in the sand.

I finally caught up to her, a mischievous glint in both our eyes. The corner of my lip tilted up just before I snatched that hand into mine and bolted in the direction of my car. She had no other choice but to follow.

She kept up with ease, but I still slowed, knowing the state I had found her in not too long ago.

“What that fuck, John!”

I don’t let go. Don’t round the car to the passenger seat when we get there. Instead, I throw the door open to the driver's seat and guide her into it. Stunned, she sits, wide-eyed. I shut the door and climbed into the passenger seat.

“Are you mad?” She blurts.

I can tell you’re going to drive me to that point.

“Maybe.” I shoved the keys into the slit and turned. I looked at her with a shit-eating grin. “Get home then. Or are you chicken?”

“You little–” She groans.

My stomach plummets as I realize too quickly I had made a crazy misjudgment. I had thought there was no way in hell she knew how to drive.

I was sorely mistaken.

Grabbing the stick like an actual madman, she glared at me while practically throwing the car into reverse. I grip the door.

She whips out of the car park and speeds off into the night. “What on earth?” I shout. “When did you learn to drive like this?”

Glaring at me with her own shit-eating grin on her face, she says, “Ever hotwire a car?” She slips the car into fifth, and while I probably should have reacted the complete opposite, I leaned over and cranked down her window, letting the wind roll through her golden strands of hair.

She smiles.

~

We ended up back at her flat, both of us sat still with windswept hair and harsh doses of adrenaline coursing through us. She looked ten times–more alive was the best way to put it.

I just want to look at her. I want this moment not to  go away .

Inevitably, it does.

The door to her flat opens, and a large man steps out . A slimy-looking one at that.

Edel stiffens as the door shuts and the man stalks over.

“Edel, who is that?” I point out.

She grips the steering wheel. “I–”

Fuck, it was her dad , wasn’t it? And I was the guy having her drive herself home at a far later hour.

I stepped out, hearing Edel protest, but I didn’t know shit when it came to her relationship with her parents. I leaned on the side of polite caution.

“Mr. Harkin,” I say, strolling up to meet him. “It’s lovely to finally meet you .” I outstretched my hand.

The first thing he does is stop directly in front of me. He tries to glare down his nose at me, but I have a few inches on him. He was a big fucker, but I definitely had the muscular advantage.

He scoffs and goes right around me. “My junky daughter,” he comes right out and says. I wince. “Has no business being out this late. I've been worried sick. Not to mention, she's coming back to me after shaking up with a boy.” He flings the door open, and there's a wholly different glare on Edel’s face. A lethal one at that. She gets out without a fight.

A junky? How long had she and her family been dealing with this? I obviously didn’t know shit, but something was telling me this father of hers wasn’t handling it properly. He seemed…I dunno, controlling? Not a flicker of empathy on his face.

His daughter was struggling yet he had no problem with calling her a junky to anyone willing to listen.

Edel's lips are pressed together so thinly that it's like she was trying to hold back a monster. Her Dad is at her back, ushering her forward.

I hated it.

I grabbed Edel's arm, praying she would forgive me, but I had to ask. “Is everything alright?” I said in a low tone.

Her face melted, her mouth popped open, and then, it was on mine. She practically threw herself at me. Her arm slipped out of my hand, one, and then the other came around my neck as our lips collided. I felt like something had been unleashed inside me. I pulled her in by the waist, wanting to claim more. But as soon as her entire weight pressed against me, she was gone. She pulled away, looking as dazed as I felt. It was such a fleeting kiss that I was sure it would drive me to madness, not being able to hold her against me and explore every crevice of those beautiful lips.

She glanced at her father like she had something to prove. Like I was a "take that" protest. That doubt immediately left my body when a beefy hand gripped her bicep, and she flinched. She was being dragged away and willingly going with it.

I got right up in the lad's face. “Get your fucking hand off of her,” I spat.

“Leave it, John,” Edel pleaded in a way that sent a chill down me in the worst way possible.

“Or what?” he seethed. “You don’t know the first thing about this girl. You know why she just did what she did?”

I didn’t say anything, just stayed right in his face.

He chuckled humorlessly. “She is a spiteful brat. A girl who will use you to get what she wants because she wants to get out of her own responsibilities.”

Edel's eyes were shut, her eyelashes glistening in the tiny light the street lamps provided.

“Edel.” I didn’t know what I wanted to say.

“Just go,” she pushed, her eyes snapping open.

“You heard the girl,” Mr. Harkin said. He gripped her sleeve and shoved it up. Edel whimpered. “Say your goodbyes because we are checking her into a lengthy rehab center after her little displays.”

A rehab center? Those things were insane asylums, lumping all sorts of people into one general treatment. All of them cruel. When I could, I read over public records of lawsuits as much as possible. Many of them coming from rehab centers all over the county.

The needle marks on her arm were hard to avoid.

“Edel, you don’t–”

“I do!”

This Edel was nothing like the girl I had seen at any point throughout the day. Possibly ever. I could still feel her pressed against me, and I wanted her back.

She was practically shoving Mr. Harkin to take her away. I had no idea what to think. I didn’t want to overstep in the sense that I didn’t know the full extent of her using, but something about this was all wrong.

“Trust me, boy,” Mr. Harkin says in a softer tone. “This is a family matter.”

“Goodbye, John.” I could tell she was choking back so many words. She is willingly going with this guy, not putting up a fight, and that didn’t sit right with me.

“Just wait,” I push. “We can talk for a second.”

“Goodbye!” She roars with finality, letting the lad take her away. She was just about to turn around when I saw her mouth the words, “For now.”

She was up the stairs and gone . Just like that. 

I had thoroughly lived a hundred different lives today, each and every one of them had Edel in them. Each and every one of them, I was more than willing to live.

For now . I latched onto that, deciding I would see her again, even if that meant breaking into every asylum in all of Ireland or simply showing up and knocking on her front door. It was nice to see someone knew the extent of her issue, but I wasn't daft. Something was off, and I wouldn't stop till I found out what.

I walked back to my car, fighting the urge to run back to her, but I wouldn’t go against her wishes. Couldn’t.

I was just about to get into the driver's seat when I spotted a glimmer of green where Edel had been sitting. I reached down and picked up the small shard of sea glass, holding it tight in my grasp.

Chapter Text

“Kavanagh residence.”

…

“Hello?”

“J–John.”

…

“Edel? I’m here. Where are you?”

“I just–wanted to hear your voice.”

“It’s been almost a month. Are you ok? Do you need me to come get you? Just tell me where you're calling from and I–”

“I’m grand, John.”

“No. You’re not.”

“I am. I haven’t been to any rehab or anything.”

“But have you–been getting help?”

…

“Every time I knock on your door, that father of yours is outside, or no one answers.”

“You can’t keep going back there, John.”

“Where are you?”

“I’ve been–out. But that's a good thing. Trust me. It means I haven’t…”

“I got ya.”

…

“I’m sorry, John.”

“I want to hear your voice, too, so that means no crying.”

“I can’t help it.”

“I know…and that's ok. I’m really happy you called.”

“You are?”

…

“Would it be insane if I said I intentionally eye the phone at least four times a day, waiting for it to ring? It’s really disappointing when I hear Mrs. McAllen’s grating voice asking if she can stop by for some eggs.”

“Totally insane.”

“If only I could see that smile rather than only hear it.”

“I think you might be the biggest flirt I’ve ever come across, Kavanagh.”

“And I think you might be the only person that has ever told me that.”

“No way?”

“Around here, it's swot, not flirt.”

“Why not both?”

“Both can be reserved for you.”

“I–like that idea.”

“You do?”

…

“I gotta go.”

“Wait, what do ya mean?”

“It means I have to go, John. It was really nice talking to you.”

“Slow down for a second.”

“Goodbye.”

“Just tell me where you are, baby, and I can pick you up–”

The line went dead.

Chapter Text

John

It wouldn’t be Ireland if it weren’t absolutely pissin’ it down on the first day of sixth year. If I said that summer had gone by in the blink of an eye; that would be an absolute lie. Partially.

The first half of summer had been something else. The sunny weather included . But what had made it so, undoubtedly, special had been the girl. That one phone call had to have sufficed for a bit over a month of not seeing Edel.

I’m not the dramatic type, but I think that it felt close to torture several times. Especially when I’d shown up to her flat only to receive menacing looks from her father or radio silence, it wasn’t that the big guy intimidated me. If it were up to me, I would lie him out on the floor in a second flat. But that was her fucking Dad. What right do I have to physically assault the guy ?

However, seeing the way he handled her the last night I saw her definitely got me close to some criminal charges.

That was the craziest part of it all. Ironic, even. Practically my entire secondary school career, I had been working my arse off to hopefully go into law, but not only have I thought about punching someone, I actually had. Charles hasn’t made another appearance since that party but fuck was I risking more criminal charges if I did.

What the hell was happening to me?

I would never say that Edel has made me have more violent tendencies. It was a deeply repressed side of me that was now poking its head out. It made me want to cast aside any harsh moral compass I had before, all to make sure she was okay–that she was safe.

My skin felt like it was constantly being poked by little thorns. And it wasn’t because of the rain as I raced through the car park with El and the twins.

“My curls!” the former whined as we stepped through the doors of Tommen College. “I spent hours taking the time to go through every single one of them.”

“Vanity is everything,” I muttered with utmost sarcasm.

She narrowed her eyes.

“Sorry, we all can’t look like Greek gods and goddesses like you and Yv.” She pointed at the girl with the thick-framed glasses she occasionally wore. Yvonne’s cheeks flamed at the compliment. They always did when El made a point t o.

“Your curls look good,” she said, trying to reciprocate. It definitely came out a bit off, but we all understood her usual tone better than others.

El slung an arm around the smaller girl, practically putting her in a headlock. “Thanks, lovey,” she smiled.

“What about me?” Liam pushed. “We’re twins, so wouldn’t that make us Artemis and Apollo?” He looked to me for backup, but I came up short.

“I’ve not a clue what you two are on about with this Greek mythology shit,” I admitted. “But as we’ve all agreed thousands of times, you two are the farthest things away from each other that twins can get.”

El was studying the only blonde in the group with a thoughtful finger to her ice-glossed lips. “Eros,” was the only thing she said before turning on her heel and leading Yvonne away. I was almost one hundred percent sure El was steering her in the wrong direction since Yvonne was in the senior honors classes with me.

Cal was about to chase after, when I grabbed him by the collar. He glared at me, but I only gave him a pointed look over to where El and Tiernan were now swapping saliva in a not-so-discreet corner of the crowded hall, Yvonne slipping away like the smart one she was.

I hated the defeat painted on his face. But it wasn’t my drama to get stirred up in . Hadn’t been since we were in primary school.

He was about to say something, probably a snarky remark about Tier, but a soggy eejit sprayed us both with water.

I shielded the onslaught of water drops as Eoin shook out his dark hair.

“You could have asked for a ride.” I shook out my hand. Liam was still scowling at just about everything.

“Nah,” he said as if the rain would dry in five seconds flat. “My bike made it just fine.”

“You and that damn motorcycle,” Liam scoffed.

Eoin’s brows furrowed, picking up on Liam’s unusual display. There was an immediate realization when he spotted the redhead not too far from us.

I gave him a knowing nod.

“Alright,” Eoin started, a foreign pep to his voice that we both knew was trying to pick up the slack. “It’s you and me, Cal, in the middle classes, so let's get a move on.”

We started our trek down the hall. Faces I had seen my entire life were looking at me for one last first day of school . It was almost surreal knowing this was our last year at Tommen. If I were being blunt, all of them had blurred together. But this year–it felt…different.

Sure, my work on the farm seemed to not have cut back since school started. I was absolutely dreading getting home since Dad had practically pulled back entirely from going outside of the main house.

He was fully committed to making me the sole heir. I just didn’t know how to tell him I didn’t want it. I couldn’t.

I was snapped from my thoughts as Eoin wrenched Tiernan away by the back of his school shirt without so much as turning to look at him. He was almost disgusted as he put him next to him.

“The fuck was that for?” Tier hissed, whipping lip gloss from his lips.

Eoin was quiet as Liam tried to smother a smirk.

“You got something to say, prick?” Tiernan said to Liam.

Shit.

When did Tiernan actually pick up on Liam’s bullshit?

Silently communicating with Eoin, I shoved Liam to the outside as we walked down the halls.

“Can it,” I whispered to Liam. “Not now.”

He rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”

“Here’s to sixth year, lads,” Eoin cheered sarcastically. “Wouldn’t want to do it with anyone else.” There was still sarcasm, but that was as genuine as it was going to get with him.

“I’ll see you lot for practice?” I said before stepping into honors maths. “If it doesn’t rain, that is.”

They gave me their parting gestures, and that was that.

I sat through the first half of the day like I had never before. I was far too distracted. The rain washed down the intricate glass windows of the building, and I watched it in every class, constantly wondering if she–Edel, was stuck out there, doing God knows what.

It had been a while, yet she hadn’t slipped my mind for a fucking second. I was lucky I kept most of my thoughts in because if any of the lads knew how much I thought about her, they’d probably think I was deranged.

Maybe I was.

But I’d truly never had anything so interesting to pass the time with. Just fucking thinking about her was enough to derail any thoughts of getting ahead on my schoolwork.

Even Yvonne was eyeing me weirdly when we were in history–my favorite subject–because I was far too distracted thinking about how the rain reminded me of us in the pool at the clubhouse.

Nothing had ever felt so–real as her. Fuck, I was going mad. Maybe it was best I shoved myself into more books to drown it all out .

Leaving Certs . The thing I had already been pulling my hair out studying for, so I did have an excuse to leave the farm. As ungrateful as I sounded, I have been working towards a goal that Mam had been helping me get towards for years now. None of that would be in vain. 

Big lunch had finally come around, and we found our cemented spots at a table. The sports teams like rugby and soccer had their tables, while us golfers kind of faded into the rugby table.

Those labeled as posh eejits stick together and whatnot .

Everything seemed normal until I saw Cal with that scowl still stuck on him. Although now, it was different.

“Do I want to know?” I asked, biting into an apple.

“I haven’t seen Yv come in yet, have you?”

“Uh, no?” Confused, I took a peek around. “I saw her back in third block, but we split after that.”

“We’re not doing this again,” Eoin said, abruptly standing up.

Cal seemed more confused than I was. But recognition quickly smothered both our confusion. The younger lads who had joined the golf team throughout the year were intrigued by our little display of unity as we followed Eoin out, but I didn’t give them a second glance. Didn’t really ever plan on doing so, since I really didn’t care to get to know them. This team was just an excuse to see my actual friends.

We walked out, Eoin making a full charge down the hall. The terrifying glint in his eyes was all we needed to know to have me, Cal, and Tiernan charging after him.

A small gathering came into view in the sixth-year hall, and Eoin picked up his pace. But mine came to a screeching halt.

No. Fucking. Shot.

Edel was giving an earful to who I recognized as Cheryl Davis and her little posse that Sloane–my past fling–hung around.

Why the hell was she here? In a Tommen uniform, nonetheless.

My pace resumed, instantly pulled to the girl like I was a magnet dressed up as a pitiful excuse for a dignified man.

Cheryl got right up in Edel’s face and–

Bang.

Edel popped her right in the face. She didn’t so much as ring out her knuckle as Cheryl reeled back and cupped her face.

When we finally reached them, Edel paled at the sight of me and my friends.

I realized Yvonne was half-slumped against a locker, her eyes hazy. Eoin was there, cupping her face, telling her over and over again that she “Can’t keep doing this with her condition.”

Whatever the fuck that meant.

Like a doctor's assistant, Liam pulled a bag of jelly’s from his sister's bag and forced them over to her. It was Eoin who picked them up and slowly guided Yvonne down to the ground, looking at her own brother like he was a threat.

While that was going on, Edel and I were locked in what could almost be classified as a game of chicken. Both of us still, until   we both moved.

She looked frail, her skin glassy. I couldn’t resist putting my hands around her. I needed to make sure she wasn’t the phantom that she resembled.

When her arms came around me, I thought I would break her by how much I wanted to pull her into me.

“John,” she breathed, or rather croaked.

“Shh,” I said, stroking a hand down her golden hair that I could never seem to look away from. That and her smile. “We’re getting the fuck out of here.”

She peered up at me and it was like I had been socked in the balls . Those beautiful eyes.

“School–There's still school.”

“I don’t give a fuck.” I slid my hand into hers.

I was about to pull her away from the entire mess–pull her away from all of it, but a booming voice had the entire group's backs going completely straight . All of us, except for Edel, that is.

“Day one, and most of you already owe me detention from the end of last term,” Mr. Thompson said, coming out of his classroom. He looked at Cheryl, who was still cupping her nose and whining to Liam as he tried to get her away from his sister, that Eoin was helping, then to Edel. “I guess we’ll be adding more.”

Chapter Text

Edel

“We’re making good profit from the uppies, those private school kids and whatnot.” That was the first thing I was able to make out as I came down from my third unsolicited high. At least, I think it was the third time. 

I think I can finally admit to myself that I have learned a lesson. If being compliant to Kippers' every whim meant that I didn’t get another needle shoved into my arm; so be it. My stubbornness when it came to him had almost completely waned due to the fact that my very genetics were calling me back to another high. The tight line I was riding between being harshly against the needle versus saying fuck it all and surrendering to what I was destined to do since birth was becoming thinner and thinner.

I had never been this close to giving in to such a craving.

That was why it needed to never happen again .

For my own survival's sake, I needed to be Kipper's little bitch once more.

One step forward, ten steps back, and whatnot.

My head was pounding and the chills that wracked my body were scaring me senseless. All I could think about was Ma’s seizing body after only a few hours of withdrawal.

Every pulse of my muscles had me tensing on the floor like a gunshot had just blared through the space. I probably looked insane. Maybe I was.

Maybe I was going mad because the only thing I could think that was keeping my sanity was the phone call I had with John just before Kipper found me and administered the needle. I knew it was coming since I had been stupid enough to put my foot down again. The last thing I remembered was John vocally pleading for me to tell him where I was, all while I was mentally pleading for him to come find me in the phone box.

It felt like it was against my own nature to rely on a boy in any sort of way. But I was. His voice. His face. He was keeping me from making those decisions that would quite possibly make me lose everything.

So, with that, I went on the runs.

Kipper had some new recruits and was fully setting up shop in Cork. I simply made myself numb to it all.

Slowly, I was becoming a shell of a person . Nodding when needed. Not letting my eyes settle on the client's faces when making exchanges. I can’t even remember the last time I ate anything, yet I wasn’t starving.

“Wha–” I cleared my dry throat as I tried to compose my tongue into creating syllables. “When was the last time I ate?”

God, I sounded so pitiful.

“A few hours ago,” Kipper said by greeting, finally realizing I was coherent. “Don’t worry,” he strolled over to where I was slumped against a wall. “I can’t let my number one girl fall behind.”

His words wrapped around my neck like a vice. It wasn’t a metaphor. That part of me that physically couldn’t let me half-ass anything was what would always make me his number one girl . I was a cash cow, and I was so hyper-aware of how ignorant I was being by complying with all of this that it made me sick.

That and the comedown.

I gagged, then wretched. Nothing came up, but Kipper still shoved his beefy palm over my mouth nonetheless.

“You are not going to do that.”

The authority in his tone made me sit up straight and choke down the thought of spewing my guts up.

Any notion of defying him was ten times more terrifying than anything else.

Days blurred together after that. But during every single one of them, all I wanted to do was inhale, inject, snort anything that would give me an excuse to feel this numb. I was wasting away, and completely sober while doing so.

One of Kipper's dogs always accompanied me on a run while I did all the talking. I didn’t care enough to learn the names or faces of everyone.

Anytime I was back at the flat, I was curled up in a ball as people went in and out of the door. Every time I shut my eyes, it was John’s face that I pictured. It was his lips on mine that ignited a spark deep down that told me not to put that final foot down and ultimately give in.

“We have something special planned for you.”

I stir from another restless sleep, a strange part of me thinking it might finally be Henry. But no. I hadn’t seen Henry either.

I get up, parched. Where I should be salivating over the thought of water, all I could seem to crave was the hash some lady was packing on a couch I hadn’t known we obtained.

Kipper seemed to pick up what I was eyeing, and he grinned. “You’re more than welcome to test the product.”

Sure I was. Weeks have passed with the same bullshit. It was getting to a point where I thought maybe it wouldn’t hurt to bleed the fucker dry of his product since there truly was no way out of this.

“What is it?” I ask, ignoring the taunt.

He’s a bit surprised by me blatantly ignoring the offer I so desperately want to take.

“You’re going to school.”

I was definitely high on something. In what world did Kipper give me a wake-up call for school?

I surprised everyone, including myself, by full-on laughing . “Never took ya for a joker.”

“Do I look like I’m joking, girl?”

I shut the hell up, laughter fully subsiding.

“Call it a business move,” he says, inspecting the bags being filled.

“Maybe you should be a teacher since so many can learn from your business .”

His eyes narrow, and I have to bite my tongue till the tang of metal explodes in my mouth.

“I’m giving you the privilege of going to a kitschy private school.” He slams a hand on the foldable table, and when I flinch, he appears satisfied with the reaction. “You’re going to make us so much money.”

Us, was a crazy way to put it since I don’t have a singular punt to my name.

“What are you on about?”

“You’re a thick one, aren’t ya? Have you not noticed that the majority of your handoffs are to those private school kids? It’s an investment to put you through half the year there so you can get something going at that school.”

I knew exactly what school he was getting at , and it made me all the more nauseous.

“You want me to deal from the inside.” It was practically an admission rather than a question. I wanted nothing more than for it to be untrue. But I gave up on hoping a while ago.

“Term starts tomorrow. Figure the rest of the shit out. I’ve done plenty for ye already.”

Well shit, it was already the end of August then.

He probably had one of his dogs that didn’t look like a greaseball get me enrolled, meaning he didn’t do jackshit. On top of that, I was the one funding the tuition. Not him.

Still, this seemed like a silver lining. While, yes, I would be forced into making deals with fucking college students and become even more of a bottom feeder. I would be going to a private school, of all things. I don’t think I fully processed his words when it finally hit me.

“It’s Tommen, right?” I blurted just as he was about to walk out the door.

He gives me a calculated look. “Bonus points if you can get some of the teachers in on it as well.” Then he was gone.

I couldn’t think about any of that. Not as all I could think about was that I was starting fifth year at a prestigious college–with the boy who had kept me sober for thirty days now.

Chapter Text

Edel

Honestly, I couldn’t say I was surprised that I ended up in detention on my first day. Well, it could stay at a detention if I chose my words carefully.

“They were bleeding backing her into a wall, all while she looked to be bordering on comatose!” I looked at the headmaster of all people, who was glaring at me behind his desk while the peanut gallery sat at the desks at my back. “Sir,” I finished, trying to backtrack.

Cheryl was the only one who didn’t follow since she had to get her nose checked. The girl Eoin wouldn’t step away from was refusing to get checked out. Yvonne was the name I had come to learn, and she simply chewed on some sweets and let Eoin be a bit of an overbearing lunatic as we all walked to the office.

The ancient fella–Headmaster Clarke–cleared his throat. “We have a zero tolerance policy for violence, Ms. Harkin. It's a three-day automatic suspension for what you did to Cheryl.”

“What I did?” If I didn’t calm down, another three days would be added on. A total expulsion was also at risk if anyone found out what was in my school bag. I opened my mouth, but the boy standing next to me in front of the desk spoke instead.

“Did you not just hear her, sir? Yvonne was getting picked on–again–yet Edel is the one in trouble.”

“Zero tolerance,” he reiterated coolly. “Take a seat, Mr. Kavanagh. This particular situation doesn’t pertain to you. From what Mr. Thompson told me, you and the others are fulfilling a last-term detention.”

He was so close to me that our arms were practically brushing. It was like that the whole way to the disciplinary office.

“With all due respect, Sir. If anyone in this room is being wrongfully reprimanded, it does pertain to me.”

Woah. He said it with such power that it felt like all the oxygen had been snatched out of my lungs just by being so close to him.

“Sit down, Mr. Kavanagh. You're quite the student, there's no need for you to get wrapped up in this.”

“Who are the biggest donors on the board right now?” He simply asked.

Both the headmaster and I were taken aback by the question.

“This isn’t relevant.”

“Who?”

Clarke sighed as if realizing he wasn’t getting past the brick wall of a brute. It was like a switch had been flipped in John’s brain. He was so focused , so calm , it was insanely impressive. All I could do was silently admire it.

“That would be the Callaghans.”

“Right, so wouldn’t it be a bit diminishing to this school's bank account if it got back to the Callaghans that their granddaughter is relentlessly teased and called a 'teacher-slut' just because she outsmarts ninety-nine percent of this school?” The headmaster flinched at his abrasive language. John only turned to those behind us. “Yv, can you come here real quick?”

She seemed apprehensive at first, especially with Eoin glaring daggers at his friend, but Yvonne looked far from nervous as she stepped up to John. Her chin was dipped, but I could make out her features a bit too clearly. They were why I stepped up in the first place. She was smaller , more timid, but her dark, long hair and blue eyes reminded me of the girl I thought so highly of back in Ballymun.

“How many times has the teasing situation been brought up to administration, yet nothing has come of it?”

Yvonne was silent, probably realizing what she had been dragged into. She finally surprised me by saying, “Too many.”

She and John give each other fleeting smirks before he looks back at the headmaster, who appeared to be seconds away from having a stroke.

“Seems to me you're trying to drive out any chances of Tommen's first female to graduate top of the class.”

“That is nonsense and you know it, Jonathan,” he spurs, letting John ultimately get the best of him.

John holds his hands up with that mind-boggling composure. “I’m simply saying what I see. And what I saw back there was Edel sticking up for the girl when none of the faculty at this institution had thought of doing so.”

“Like I said, there is a zero tolerance for violence–”

“Cal, can you come up here?” John tossed over his shoulder.

Looking intimidating as fuck, Liam walks up from his spot at the front row. “What's up, Kav?”

“We’re both leaving in the spring, I’m sure our guardians wouldn’t mind pulling some donations that are tagged onto our tuition a bit early, would they?”

Liam grins like he has been let in on a master plan that only John of all people could curate . That was kind of exactly what was going on.

“About time.” He looks at his…sister? Cousin? I can’t really tell, but is cut off before he can get anything out.

“I can lower it to a day,” Headmaster Clarke grits out, and my eyes widen.

“Just the rest of this day will do,” John counters. All of us were surprised he wasn’t going all the way and getting it totally cleared by the determined look in his eyes. “I am fair after all.”

I nudged him in the side despite myself.

“Sit down this instant and let me talk to Ms. Harkin,” he snaps. “Ms. Callaghan, I’ll talk to you later.”

“Oh, no, you won’t.” Somehow, Eoin had snuck up on us all and was standing right at Yvonne's back. “You’re not guilt-tripping her into making this her fault again.”

Clarke readjusts his glasses with a huff. “Just get out of my face. The lot of you. We’ll have separate discussions about all of this when I can go about this professionally.”

“Seems like Kav should be the one doing your job then, if a bunch of teenagers can rattle a geezer like you.”

My mouth pops open, and I have to put a palm over my mouth as Eoin storms out of the room. I’m assuming he’s preventing himself from lashing out entirely like I would.

Liam is full-on laughing while Tiernan and Yvonne are left dumbstruck by everything.

I feel a hand come around mine. “We’re off then.” I knew it was John’s immediately. He whisks me out of the room so fast, I swear my arm almost tears out of its socket. I threw Headmaster Clarke a somewhat apologetic look, but was absolutely enraged.

I ducked out of there quickly. 

From what I gathered, there was about a third of the day left. But John had firmly decided it was over. He was dead set on heading towards the main entrance of the school. In this case, the exit.

“In a rush?” I honestly didn’t know what I was saying; I couldn’t fully process that he was here. That he was tangible.

My posh school-assigned shoes clattered down the steps as he continued to tug me forward. I was slowly realizing that something could be wrong. He wasn’t speaking, rage dripping off every orifice of his being. No, not rage, desperation that could easily be mistaken for anger.

We stopped at his car in the middle of the lot. I hadn’t even realized my school bag had transferred to his shoulder as he slung both of them onto the boot of the car. One second, I was standing, watching. Next, my back was pressed against the passenger door as he cupped my face. It was so gentle but so possessive at the same time.

We drank each other in, frantically.

“You’re not slipping away, again. Got it?” He breathed.

All I could do was nod, a flood of emotions hitting me all at once. Relief was at the forefront, but there was another one that only showed around him, making my body break out in shivers in the best way possible.

It was that same emotion that reciprocated the way his lips crashed onto mine. He devoured me. The hands on my face, I could tell, were cautious. It made me want to cry at how tactical he was about touching me.

I had no clue what I was doing. By the pace at which he was going, that didn’t really matter. We were sloppily exploring each other's mouths. His clean scent permeated the air, enveloping me. It was so enticing that my hands flew out on their own accord and wrapped around his neck.

My hands ran through his dark hair, and he released a murmur of a groan. My body melted against his, and all I wanted to do was wrap my entire body around his. His weight pinning me to the car was making it all the more impossible not to act like a crazed person.

There was more weight missing than I noticed. I pulled away, chest heaving and lips buzzing. It was his hands. They were pressed against the car door, caging me in. I had to laugh, a mixture of nervousness and uncertainty causing it to bubble up.

“I like it when you touch me.” I had to admit it. Make it clear that he was possibly the only touch that was welcomed because he was the only person who had never laid a hand on me with ill intent. I didn’t care that I sounded like a nervous wreck.

I was sober but felt like I had ingested the strongest of drugs as my gaze went from his strong arms, back to his face. There was most definitely a stupid, giddy grin on my face.

His own gaze was so piercing that it made my expression falter slightly. He was all disheveled--because of me. My stomach tightened at the molten heat radiating off him.

His thumb and forefinger found my chin, and I hadn’t realized it had dipped. He held me there. “You do?” That was definitely rhetorical in the cheeky way he asked it.

Now I felt slightly embarrassed at my earlier statement, my cheeks heating if they hadn’t been already.

“Uh, yeah.” Using the audacity I somehow never ran out of, I guided his other hand to my waist. “I do.”

I moved my lips to tilt up, trying to force the confidence to replenish. They hadn’t so much as formed a smirk by the time that John was back on me. This time, his hands were just as possessive as his lips and his tongue.

There wasn’t a singular part of me that wanted to pull away. It had been over a month since I’d seen him, and all that time had only made me desperate to see him again. I was over the moon that John seemed just as desperate .

When he finally pulled away, I couldn’t help but continue to smile. A genuine one. He looked utterly ridiculous with how puffy his lips were and the tousled strands of hair that stood out.

“Stop doing that.”

Oh, fuck. How had I ruined this?

“Doing what?”

“If you keep on smiling at me like that, we’ll never leave this spot.”

I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. Nonetheless, anticipation coiled low in my stomach at the prospect.

“As much as I would–” Too much, I was letting in too much. “John, I–I’m gonna need to go home as soon as the school days over.”

If I were taking a class on how to ruin a moment, I would receive full marks.

“No.”

“No? What do you mean no?” My temper flared as much as I didn’t want it to.

“I just got you back. It’s a no-return policy when it comes to you.”

I was a strange mixture of amused, agitated, and in awe of him.

Moving out of his grip–I had to, otherwise this would make this all the harder–I said, “If you want to so much as lay a glance on me again, you have to understand that I will be going back home right after school.”

“I don’t like that.” He wasn’t controlling in any way. In fact, he had given me much more space than I wanted. Who would have thought that I’d be having to convince a guy that I wanted his hands on me? I couldn’t actually say that out loud…right?

“You don’t have to like it. It’s the rules.”

“What rules?”

“My–Da’s.” I fucking hated calling Kipper my Da. But it was either that or – or nothing. There was no other option. “I’m still grounded,” I lied. “And I don’t want that to get any worse.”

“Any worse, how?” His tone hardened.

I mentally kicked myself in the ass. While that might have been the truth, I needed to tread on eggshells. I knew that if this guy got a whiff of what was actually going on behind the scenes, a full-on monsoon would come of it. I couldn’t do that to him.

“Can I ask you to trust me?”

“One condition.” I appreciated the way he was able to sound firm but not in a way that made me want to shrivel up into a ball. “Can I ask the same of you?”

I choked on a plethora of words. No. The answer was no. Even though I couldn’t think of a time that he had left me astray, there was no way in which I could say yes.

We stood in the heavy silence, and I actually did want to shrivel up into a ball.

“Take me home,” I said, avoiding eye contact.

“Come on, Edel.” The sternness waned. “Don’t do that.”

“Take me home.” I was trying my absolute best not to sound like a total jerk. Pretty sure I was failing.

When he didn’t move, I began to walk away.