Work Text:
The memorial is beautiful. It's more like a garden, hidden in the forest, out of view of the peacekeepers' ill intentions and all those dirty glances, it feels like a sanctuary, with colorful flowers and handmade arrangements, there's many paintings and drawings of past tributes. Johnny recognizes Lucas, of course, and even though one of the faces is not familiar to him, he knows who's he looking at. Kun was handsome, or it's what he sees in this depiction, dark wavy hair, shinny eyes. It looks like a photograph, so many details made by hand, the person that made it must've known Kun pretty well to be able to trace the soul of the man into the paper. It must've been Ten.
Oh Ten loved Kun deeply, Johnny can tell, can see it in every thing Ten is part of, the district, the walls, the flowers, their comunity and their friendgroup.
Back when they first got out of that hell, when they saw face to face for the first time after Johnny almost killed Ten, with the doctors and the nurses and their magical medicine that worked more like potions. Johnny could only look at him, so out of himself because they had him restrained and drugged, his mentor was shouting something from behind the curtains that Johnny didn't try to understand because his mind was too busy observing Ten. He was just sitting there, with no straps on his ankles nor dilated pupils. Everything else was so blurry and distant for Johnny but Ten was solid, mouth leaving puffs of air, loud and foggy.
''Is Lucas with Kun?'' Ten had asked him. As if Johnny had the answer, as if he was a good enough option to tell him what he wanted to hear.
That Johnny with cotton ears and heavy tongue noded. Sure. Whoever Kun is, of course Lucas is with him.
When they had the opportunity to rest they had done it together too, and Ten was quiet, he spoke so little that Johnny had to fill in the spaces himself, when his soft words were heard it was in references, comparisons. Saying that his friends would like such a thing, such a food, such a view and such a song. The names were confused in Johnny's mind. Ten seemed to talk about many people at once but in the end there were only six. Lucas' name was one of the most mentioned, but next was another, a short one that Ten said with such great warmth that Johnny felt the difference.
In the middle of the night, when Ten woke up screaming, when he relived the arena in his dreams, when he relived Lucas' death again, and someone else's too. Sweaty frame, hoarse throat and out of control. Even when delirious, Ten was thinking about Kun.
Kun died a year ago, and they talk about him as if he never left, a constant love, hold strongly with both hands, never letting go. In the whispers he has heard Kun seems perfect in their tales, passionate, smart, loving.
Johnny stares closely at the picture, he wants to take it in hand but doesn't know if he's allowed. He doesn't want to befoul the paper nor blur the lines of charcoal.
''What are you doing here?'' Yangyang says behind him. The kid isn't tall but his stand is firm. He looks ready to pick a fight but doesn't look like he could win. Not against Johhny. Not physically at least.
Johnny could take him easily like he has before, in the arena with children paralyzed with fright at his big form and dangerous weapon. Johnny had a crossbow but he had decided to use his hands.
''I'm looking around. Ten said I could.'' Johnny never had to ask for permition, he only had his mother back at home and even if she was traditional it never added limits to Johnny's being. That has changed though. He's not as free as he used to, not as independant as he thought, because now the capitol controls him and he's in a land where he does not belong.
''Ten has quite the talent.'' Yangyang says, his eyes are past him and Johnny agrees turning around to look at the memorial. ''Kun could describe him in his poetry as accurately as Ten can draw him.''
The younger looks up at Johnny. His eyes show hurt. He does not like that Johnny is here. Johnny understands that too.
''He was childish and boring at times, I cringed at his jokes and I used to run away from him, I laughed at his expence at every opportunity I had, but he was good at everything, I learned so much from him, and every day I pray that I can hug him one more time. Even his dead body...'' The kid isn't looking at him, in his hands there is a rag. He dusts off the altar. ''I miss him a lot.'' The dirt scatters around. Yangyang says all of this with a straight face. He does not cry. Johnny thought he could relate to them, the games took away from him too, but these guys... they seem so close, their lives and their speech, everything is sew together. Melting.
There were times where he wouldn't see Jaehyun for weeks.
''Kun was the best one out of all of us.'' Better than you'll ever be. If Johnny does stay, he'll always be second to a memory. To Ten's family, to Ten himself. Not even half of perfect Kun's shell. He'll never understand what it's like to be like them. Their emotions too grand.
He'll be a reminder of what they lost, of what he will never achieve to be.
''Kun was a poet but he never confessed to Ten... Maybe that's the one thing you are better at.''
''I didn't confess.'' In a heartbeat. He says it in a heartbeat. Ashamed that the kid can group Johnny with their dearest Kun.
Yangyang scolds. ''There it is then.''
You think about how Kun is best even when you didn't know him, even when he's gone. You aren't good enough. Not because he was perfect but because you're a coward. In reality he's as weak as Sicheng paints him to be.
''You know about Kun, do you want to know about Lucas too?'' It's seems like a kind offer, maybe Yangyang wants to open up, to express his feelings. But Yangyang hates him, he's tense beside him with his fists tight. He does not cry because he's not sad. He's burning from the inside with hatred.
Johnny nods.
Even when he should go back to Ten, he nods.
''Lucas was annoying. He attracted too much attention. He was protective and kind and he had a big ego but was selfless, he put everyone before him.'' Golden heart Lucas, the interviewer used to call him. ''Lucas volunteered because Hendery was reaped. They're best friends. Lucas and Hendery were but he would've done it for any of us.''
And Lucas was nice. Johnny got a few words with him at training, he was lively and big and strong and soft around the edges. When Lucas realized Johnny had volunteered too he was excited. Johnny didn't tell him it wasn't for the same reasons. Johnny knew he could win, he could do it easily and he could bring Jaehyun home. A sacrifice that makes no sense for Johnny now because after seeing what they became in there, he would've let Jaehyun go on his own. Death warranted.
He just knows Lucas would do it all over again if it meant Ten gets to live. He was protective in a way, he wouldn't leave Ten's side even for a minute. Jaehyun and Haechan wanted to kill them right away but it had been hard to keep up.
Ten and Lucas were fast, their kills were quiet and compasionate, leaving nothing but perfectly still corpses. When Johnny found Renjun's body it had his back to the water, his eyes closed, his hair swept to one side. Now he knows it was Lucas who had caressed his face and stroked his hair. When they came across the District 11 tribute, the blood on the ground had been cleaned as much as possible with the forest leaves, his head laying sideways in the grass.
It had perplexed Haechan at the time, unable to understand why Lucas and Ten cared about the dead they left behind.
The kills were his doing but the respect and sorrow to their bodies and lives was Lucas' as well. The two sides, so far from one another yet exactly the same.
Johnny feels heavy just to be here. He does not deserve this. He knows he had been careless and his companions cruel but he's not a bad person. Normally it's not something he struggles with but this District 7 boys are so different even when Johnny knows they can be really mean and ruthless, they're good. Good boys that had lost so much similar to him but so different.
Johnny could never be as good as them. His relationships shallow and his life privilaged. He can't feel the empathy as they do, can't understand them completely.
''You think very loudly.'' Yangyang says as he lights up some candles, leaving them inside their holder when he's done. ''It's annoying."
It's specially annoying to him.
''What are you doing?'' Johnny asks too, taking some steps back to let the younger move the memorial as he pleases. He does not take offense in his tone. Yangyang can be angry.
''It's my turn to take care of it. Anyone that wants to can do it. But since Kun died it's been just us... Now Lucas too."
He wishes there could be someting alike for Jaehyun back home. Something so beautiful and pure, made with love so he can be remembered as he was before the games. —He used to be so silly, deep voice that barely spoke, goofy laugh and a life so simple and homely. How did they became killers and torturers? Why did they when most of the other tributes showed their most compassionate and selfless side? Was Jaehyun waiting for the opportunity to hurt? Was Johnny?— There isn't. Their district does not rule like that. Jaehyun is just a dead man, name tainted by his loss and his violence. His parents carry their grief for their only son hidden so the influential people don't complain that their bet was on their kid and not Johnny. He feels guilty. For letting Jaehyun die. For thinking he deserved it. For not staying in his district and for not visiting his parents.
"I could do one for Jaehyun back home..." A whisper. A wish. A maybe. He won't but he could and he wants to.
Yangyang turns around fast. Something seems to be going through his mind, his thin cheeks red, his eyes different. He's the youngest, he's had less time with the others, he didn't lived with them as much; maybe his mother didn't let him go out at first. Maybe he feels like everything he knows has been falling apart for a year now, and he can't do anything. He's still in danger; it could be him in the next games, or Sicheng, or Xiaojun, or Hendery. They won't be able to escape this time; those who had the best chances died, and maybe now it's their turn because it's already been proven that their little group has a bad luck they can't overcome. There were seven of them, and three have already been chosen. He has so much going on and Johnny just implied-he implied, he said Jaehyun's name in Lucas' tomb.
"Can you leave, now?" Yangyang asks suddenly, rudely too. He can't contain himself anymore. Johnny gets it. He could see his tense body and the way his words sounded a little forced. He knew Yangyang didn't want to spend time with him. Much less in such a private moment like the memorial. He probably was dying to make Johnny go away. A killer. Setting foot on the sacred space.
Johnny does not say anything else. He turns around and leaves.