Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Day 1

I'm not writing anything useful here.
Done. I fulfilled my duty.

Chapter Text

Day 2
(Didn't write today, screw the therapist.)

Chapter Text

Day 3
What a load of crap... Why do I have to write this shit. Stupid therapist.

Chapter Text

Day 4
(Not in the mood to write) (Does this count as writing?)

Chapter Text

Day 5
Today I'm angry and hurt... I saw N and V having breakfast together. They looked happy. And me...
Screw this, I'm not writing anymore.

Chapter Text

Day 6
Today Khan greeted me again... We've been trying to talk more often like we did at the festival.
It still hurts to call him dad.

Chapter Text

Day 7
Today was the therapist visit. He gave me new chips to reduce anxiety attacks. What bullshit—saved the world and all I got is my two friends dating and me... still the weird freak in the bunker.
I hate having saved the world—it wasn’t what I expected. (At least I have my mom.)

Chapter Text

Day 8
Today I connected to the terminal and had tea with Tessa. Virtual tea? Not even sure how to make it.

Chapter Text

Day 9
Tessa’s new body looks really good, but it doesn’t feel perfect... This is the fifth time I go over the system and functionality.
I'm scared it won’t work properly.

Chapter Text

Day 10
I saw them. N and V. He grabbed her hand, and she didn’t pull away. They looked at each other. Laughed.
Every time I see them I can still remember the warmth of N’s hand. I hate these kinds of scenes.

Chapter Text

Day 11
Today was... quiet. I don’t know if that’s a good thing. But quiet.
I spent most of the day checking the circuits on Tessa’s left arm. They were fine. Still checked them again.
I didn’t want to leave my room today, just wanted to stay busy with something, quiet.
Tessa noticed I wasn’t talking much and sent me a message: "If you don’t want to talk today, you can just be. I’ll be here."
I didn’t reply. But I didn’t shut off the terminal either.
I guess that’s something.

Chapter Text

Day 12
Today, for a moment, I felt okay.
I worked with Nori on the stabilizers for the motor system. She doesn’t talk much when she’s focused, and that... felt nice. Like I didn’t have to force anything.
Tessa was quiet too. She sent me ideas to improve her body, like it was a game. We talked more than I expected. Even laughed.

Chapter Text

Day 13
Today I couldn’t get out of bed until after noon. I just... didn’t want to. The world felt too heavy. My limbs felt like cold iron. I didn’t answer messages. Didn’t open any blueprints. Tessa asked if I was okay. I lied and said yes.
Sometimes I wonder if any of this is worth it. The building, the words, the effort to keep going—does it even matter?
I saw my reflection in a powered-off terminal. I didn’t recognize the thing staring back.
I don’t want to write more today.

Chapter Text

Day 14
It was a good day.
That scares me.
I walked a little outside. Snow still covered parts of the roads, but not as much as before. It was nice to see something different. I picked up useful pieces no one had claimed and took them to the workshop. Tessa joked that the workshop looked like a junk paradise. I told her to shut up, but I laughed.
On my way back I saw N from afar. It didn’t hurt. Or at least not like before. Maybe I’m just learning to live with it. Maybe.
Today I felt like I could breathe.

Chapter Text

Day 15
I hate how this works.
Yesterday everything was fine. Today I feel crushed.
Tessa asked if I needed space. I said yes. Not because I didn’t want to talk, but because I wouldn’t know what to say.
Nori came to check some pieces. She asked if I slept well. I didn’t answer. Just nodded. I didn’t want to worry her. But also... it bothers me when they ask. When it’s obvious. When they see me like this.
Today I want to disappear. Not permanently. Just... stop existing for a few hours. Stop the noise. Stop the thoughts. Take a break.
I guess that’s not progress. But I also guess no one said this would be linear.
I’ll try to write again tomorrow.

Chapter Text

Day 16
Today Tessa made me get out of bed with a bunch of notifications.
“They’re having a sleepover in the common room, go. Not a suggestion.”
She didn’t give me time to say no. When I got there, V had already brought blankets and N was setting up a human movie. One of those weird ones, with rubber monsters that explode for no reason. I sat far at first, but V threw pillows at me until I joined.
We didn’t talk about anything deep at first. Just laughed. N got scared at a ridiculous scene and V almost fell from laughing. For a while, I forgot everything. Until N, accidentally, paused the movie right when a creature opened its mouth and said:
—That looks like Cyn.
The room went silent.
I don’t blame N. But I felt my stomach twist. I got up and went to the bathroom, breathing like something was squeezing my chest from the inside.

Chapter Text

Day 17
Didn’t work on anything today. Just cleaned the workshop. Not because it was dirty, but because I needed to move. Do something that didn’t require thinking.
I saw N in the hallways. He waved. I stopped.
—Sorry about yesterday —he said.
—It wasn’t your fault.
He nodded. But it was. A little.
I thought about telling him the truth, what happened with Cyn. What I did. But I couldn’t. The words get stuck when I try to let them out.

Chapter Text

Day 18
Therapist again today. We talked a bit about how things have been going with the diary... He prescribed me another type of chip.
What a joke.

Chapter Text

Day 19
V invited me to another movie night. But just between the two of us this time. No loud laughter (and honestly, it was a bit awkward to be alone with the girlfriend of my former crush). Just one blanket and some commentary about how absurd humans were.
We talked. About everything. A bit of the past, a bit of now. I asked her what it was like when they first woke up as disassembly drones.
—It was awful. I could barely stand —she said—. These stupid legs were so uncomfortable.
We kept talking, but about irrelevant stuff. It was nice to talk to V like before.

Chapter Text

Day 20
Today we’re going to transfer Tessa into her body.
I’ve spent nearly a month modifying, reviewing, and perfecting Tessa’s body... and I’m scared.
If it goes wrong I don’t know what I’ll do. I don’t know how I’ll face Tessa, N, and V. This is a surprise for them and if it fails...
Enough writing for today. Tomorrow we’ll see how Tessa does in her new body. Praying to Robo-God that everything goes well.

Chapter Text

Day 21

Tessa woke up today.

I don’t even know how to start describing what I felt when I saw her move. It wasn’t like the simulations. It wasn’t like the tests. It wasn’t just a program running. It was her. Walking. Breathing. Blinking. Laughing. Tessa. In her new body. One I built myself, piece by piece, wire by wire. And it worked. Everything worked.

Nori looked at me after doing the final check and just said, “You did a great job.” With that usual calm of hers, like it was no big deal. Like she didn’t know how much it meant to hear that from her. I guess I did do a good job. I guess I should feel satisfied. Proud, even. But I don’t. Not really.

And it’s eating me alive.

Seeing Tessa walk with no difficulty, stretch like nothing hurts, move without system warnings or glitches in her HUD… it should make me happy. It should make me feel useful. Like everything I went through was worth it. But all I feel now is… emptiness.

Maybe it’s because this project was the only thing holding me together since... since everything went weird. After the Cyn incident. After N and V started spending more time together. After the silence in my head got louder than any system alarm. I had a purpose. Tessa was my purpose. And now that she’s here—whole, alive, real—I don’t know what to do with myself.

I haven’t told N or V. They still don’t know Tessa is back. I feel like I’m hiding a nuclear secret. Like with each day that passes, I’m betraying them a little more. But Tessa made it clear. She said she preferred if I told them. When I was ready.

What if I never am ready?

Later, while she was exploring the workshop, touching the tools like everything was new to her (which, technically, it is), I just stood there watching her. Every gesture, every movement, even the way she bent over to examine a diagnostics console—it all felt so human. So alive. So... distant from me. I don’t know why I felt out of place. Isn’t this what I wanted? Didn’t I spend weeks without rest, without powering down, without thinking of anything else but her body, her code, her fragmented memories?

And still, when she smiled at me and said, “Thanks for bringing me back,” all I could think was: Now what?

I couldn’t even smile properly. I just nodded. Like some poorly programmed automaton.

The worst part is that I’m terrified of telling N and V. Not because they won’t be happy—I know they will, I know them—but because I’m scared of disappearing.

They knew her first. Tessa was their leader, their ally, their friend. She was someone that mattered. Someone who left a mark. And me... I was just the anomaly. The last option. The last can of oil on Copper 9… And now that Tessa’s back—do they even need me anymore? Will they still... look at me the way they do now?

I sat alone for a while after Tessa went to her room. I opened the terminal and pulled up the folder with all the schematics for her body. The early versions were full of errors. Design failures. Ugly improvisations that embarrass me now. But still... those mistakes were mine. And so is she. She’s my work. My biggest achievement. And what if that’s all I had to give?

I know I should be writing something more positive. This journal is supposedly for “sorting my thoughts and helping me find emotional stability,” according to the psychologist... I’ll stop here for now. Tessa just called from her room to see if I wanted something to drink. Coolant, she said. Who drinks coolant after coming back to life? Only Tessa.

If this is what moving forward looks like… then why do I feel like I’m falling behind?

Chapter Text

Day 22

I don’t feel like writing today.
But thanks to the stupid psychologist who set this annoying alert on my visor, I have to do it—otherwise, it won’t shut up.
…
Anyway. This morning I checked Tessa’s neck. I just wanted to spend some time with her, so I told her it was a routine inspection. I’m not sure she believed me. While I was working, I could feel her watching me. It was uncomfortable. Until she spoke and asked if something was wrong. I told her no. That I just wanted to make sure everything was working properly.
She looked skeptical and immediately asked:
—“Sure of what?”
I didn’t know what to say. So I blurted out the first thing that came to mind:
—“That your head doesn’t fall off all of a sudden…”
She laughed. Then looked at me with that mischievous expression and said:
—“Just another excuse to keep touching me, huh?”
No freaking way…
The shame I felt in that moment—how was I supposed to know she’d say something like that?
I wanted to die. I literally almost choked on the oil I was drinking. And even though it was funny, I guess it made me think about exactly what I didn’t want to think about. While she laughed, I couldn’t stop thinking about how easy it is for some people to adapt. Just looking at Tessa, I feel envious of how she embraces this new life Meanwhile, I…
Sometimes I wonder if he chose me just because he thought he didn’t have another option. That V would never remember him. That she’d ignore him forever. And I... I was there. In the same mess. Willing to stay by his side. But I guess I was just a temporary distraction. An improvised replacement.
I still love him.
I’m getting depressed again.
I don’t want to write anymore.
Today hurts.
A lot.

Chapter Text

Day 23

I had another session with the psychologist today.
Just as awkward as the previous ones. He asked if I’d kept writing. If I felt any better. If I had already put into words “the real reason you started this diary.”
I didn’t answer right away. I just shrugged.
—“I’m trying.”
I don’t know if he believed me. I don’t even know if I believe me. But something in his face shifted, like he knew there was still something I hadn’t written. He told me it was okay to take my time...

I don’t know if I’m just being stubborn like always, or if I just wanted him to stop asking every time, but fine—here it is. (Let the world bite me.)

…

So, to start with, the reason I began this diary wasn’t because someone suggested it. Or because I wanted to. It was because they made me.
Let’s say Mom wasn’t going to leave me alone after what happened.

To put it simply:
I almost let myself die.

It wasn’t dramatic.
It wasn’t fast or flashy.
I didn’t climb a tower. I didn’t leave a note.

I just... stopped doing the basic things.
I stopped eating. I let my body overheat. I turned off the internal alerts, one by one.
I spent my time finishing Tessa’s body while ignoring the constant burning in my joints. The pressure in the core. The buzzing in my ears.
All I felt was... revulsion and pain. For what I did. For what I became.

It all started because I devoured Cyn.
I killed her. Not with a weapon. With my hands. With my teeth.
I tore her apart like a monster, ripping out her cables, dismembering her frame until all that was left was the core...
And I swallowed it.

I can still feel the heat.
The metallic taste.
The texture of torn wires.

I still have nightmares about it.
Sometimes I see her. In my dreams.
Sometimes when I look into a terminal, her reflection appears behind mine.

After that, my body trembled, my system restarted poorly, my limbs malfunctioned, and my face… was cracked open, part of my skull exposed.
I remember saying something sarcastic before I blacked out.
N found me.
He took me back to the bunker.
He saved me.

Back then, I was still happy to be near him...

When I woke up in the med bay, honestly, everything felt normal. No pain. No fatigue. So I just left as soon as the medic let me.

But the moment I smelled oil again while trying to eat… I nearly threw up.

It wasn’t that I wasn’t hungry.
My oil and material levels were below 70%, and my systems were overheating.
And still… I couldn’t eat.
Every time I tried, the oil tasted like blood.

Days went by like that.
At first, it didn’t hit me too hard. I felt warm, sure. But I didn’t care about starving.
It wasn’t just the nausea. I kept hallucinating Cyn’s body.

After what happened at the church, when I was trapped in my head with Tessa, I don’t know if it was just hallucinations or Cyn haunting me for real. Doesn’t matter.
What matters is I kept going, trying to live like normal for a few more weeks.
I swear to Robo-God, I tried to eat, to push through, to stay functional.

Then came the thing with N at the skyscraper.
Then the festival.
And finally, locking myself in my room with Tessa, building her body.

At some point during all that, I just stopped trying.
Stopped fighting to eat.
Didn’t even want to get out of bed.

Mom and Dad didn’t say anything at first.
I guess they thought I was busy. That I needed space.
That I was just tired.

Until one morning, I couldn’t get up off the floor.

My system collapsed while I was adjusting a joint in Tessa’s leg.
The heat in the workshop was unbearable.
My fans had stopped hours before.
Coolant was dry.
My legs gave out with a crack, like something breaking inside.
It was horrible.
It felt like my insides were melting and fusing to the exoskeleton.
My visor warped from the heat.

I remember the red system warning blinking:
Internal temperature critical. Oil reserves: 3%.

That was the last thing I saw before shutting down.

…

I don’t know how long I was out.

I remember opening my eyes and seeing Mom and Khan arguing with one of the med techs.
My throat was dry. My core was sluggish.
My visor barely functioned.
I was hooked up to half a support system, covered in sensors.

I pretended to sleep a little longer.
Didn’t want to talk to anyone.

Didn’t work.

The tech left.
Khan followed him out.
Mom stayed.
She shut the door behind her.

She didn’t speak.
She just waited.
I opened my eyes.

She walked straight up to me—
and slapped me.

—“What the hell were you thinking?” she snapped.

I couldn’t answer. I barely looked at her.

—“You wanted to shut off for good? Was that your plan?”

She slammed her hand against the tray of tools beside the bed.
Metal clanged against metal.

—“I saw you lying there, Uzi. Your visor warped. Your shell red-hot from the heat. You looked like a furnace about to explode…”

She rubbed her face. Furious. Exhausted.

—“Did you think no one would notice? That you could just disappear and no one would care?”

That’s when I whispered, quietly:

—“Only you and Dad care…”

And N and V…
After everything we lived through.
Everything I did for them.
They weren’t there.

The silence after that hit harder than any slap.

She took a deep breath.
Lowered her gaze.
Didn’t reply.

Just said:

—“This isn’t going to happen again.”

Then she left.

A few minutes later, one of the techs came back.
He mumbled something about a “medical order.”
Told me I’d have to see a psychologist.
Mandatory.
They’d “help me cope.”

And that’s how all this began.

The diary.
The mandatory therapy.
The chips for hallucinations, anxiety, and depression...

Not long ago, Tessa asked me why I keep this diary.
I told her it was because a doctor recommended it.

And yeah... that’s part of the truth.

But not all of it.

I don’t know if I’ll ever tell her what really happened.
I don’t know if I’ll ever tell anyone.

But at least now, I’ve written it.

And for today... that’s enough.

Tomorrow I'll worry about telling the others about Tessa.

Chapter Text

Day 24

Today was… weird. But not in a bad way. Weird like, “Is this what feeling okay is like?”

I woke up without anything hurting, without weird hallucinations or feeling sad about everything. I just woke up, and it was so… normal. Tessa was already up when I left my room, sitting at the table eating calmly with Nori. She waved at me, and they kept talking even when I joined the conversation.

It was really nice.

After breakfast —which I could actually eat without gagging, thank you very much— I went to the workshop to check on some spare parts and ended up helping one of the old first-gen drones. I think his name was Carl and he’s a friend of my dad. It was a peaceful moment, honestly.

Back in my personal workshop, I worked on a few side projects just for fun.

Tessa came in later and sat nearby. She didn’t say anything at first, just watched me while I was soldering a part. Then she asked if she could help. Of course, I said yes. We spent most of the afternoon talking about different ideas for things we could build. She came up with some pretty crazy stuff—like building a microwave into a drone’s chest to heat up food anywhere. I mean, who would even use that? But not all her ideas were bad—she also suggested building a giant robot piloted by smaller robots inside it, like Evangelion-style. That one sounded awesome, not gonna lie.

My face actually hurt a little. I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed that much.

After a while, she looked at me a bit impatiently and asked if I thought I could tell N and V about her today.

I just nodded. Honestly, I was feeling amazing. I felt refreshed. Lighter. Energized… Happy.

And yeah, I really meant it. I felt ready.

I asked N and V to meet me in the workshop near the end of the day. Told them I wanted to show them something. They didn’t expect anything weird—V thought it was another one of my dangerous experiments. N looked kind of nervous at first, but after a moment he seemed more excited to see whatever I had built this time.

And then… Tessa walked in.

Silence. And then, pure excitement.

N hugged her without even thinking. V stared at her like she was seeing a ghost, then finally said, “How…?” and reached out to touch her arm, like she had to make sure she was real.

It was beautiful. Really. Seeing them like that. Seeing Tessa smile. N bouncing around with joy. V asking her question after question. Tessa looked at me in the middle of all of it, winked, and said thank you.

That meant a lot. I’m happy I could give her a second chance at happiness.

Today was just a normal day with a few bright moments.

And for me, that’s a lot.

It seems like talking about my problems is starting to help... I just hope things keep going well now that my school absence excuse has expired and I have to go back.

Chapter Text

Day 25

Today I went back to school.
How long has it been… two months? Maybe a bit more. I had forgotten how awful waking up early is. I was a little nervous, yeah, but with that weird energy you get when you're about to see people after a long time.

Before leaving, Nori and I talked for a bit. I guess she was nervous too. Everything that happened recently, plus the fact that she wasn’t there when I first started school—well, for obvious reasons... she was a little dead back then—didn’t leave her too comfortable.

Today, though, she walked me to the entrance. And while I really appreciate it, it was also a little embarrassing. I mean, I get the nerves, but I’m not six anymore—I don’t really need to be walked in.

She asked a few quick questions: if I felt okay, if I needed anything, if I had everything ready.
She also told me not to push myself too hard, and that if anything happened, I should call her.

Before she left, she hugged me tightly—which was so embarrassing —but… I kind of needed it. (I wish it had lasted a bit longer.)

The entrance wasn’t as bad as I expected. No weird comments, no open mockery, which I’m seriously thankful for. Some people looked at me like I might attack them any second. Like they still didn’t know what to expect from me. I ignored it. Can’t blame them, really.

I went straight to my locker, greeted the few brave ones who spoke to me (Thad), and tried to keep myself busy.
Lizzy waved at me from a distance. Rebecca pretended not to see me—or so I thought.

Until it happened.

We were in class, and Rebecca “accidentally” pushed me from behind. I turned around but said nothing. I ignored it. Then she came closer and grabbed my arm with that fake little smile of hers, and… my tail acted on its own. It wrapped around her wrist and bit her.

I didn’t mean to. I didn’t even realize it until Rebecca screamed.
I let go immediately. She said I bit her. I didn’t even remember opening my jaw. But there it was—a mark on her hand. Not too deep, but visible. It didn’t bleed much, but it looked bad.

The teachers intervened. I said it was an accident. A reflex.
They let me stay but filed a report. Mom probably knows by now.

After that, I tried to stay away from everyone. I didn’t want to hurt anyone else.
And yeah… after that incident, I realized Cyn was back. She didn’t say much, just appeared in the desk’s reflection, smiling. Like she was laughing at me. Apparently, biting people is her idea of fun.

But I didn’t let it ruin my day.

Tessa texted me during lunch. Said she was bored in the workshop and wanted help with some upgrades. I laughed and told her I’d be there after the last period, since today I had to finish building a weapon I’ve been working on for days: the “Sky-Cleaver Shuriken Cannon.”
Let’s just say… after watching N throw those ninja stars, I wanted to do it too >:3

After lunch, things got weirder. N and V showed up in class.
And the weirdest part? No one seemed scared of V. I guess they’ve gotten used to seeing them around.

I spent the whole afternoon talking with them during class. It was nice having someone to talk to. I think people were a bit shocked seeing me chat with them so casually—even Thad looked confused.

We talked about nonsense. The teachers, the awful cafeteria food, how V threatened one of the drones at the front gate for asking for her ID twice (the poor guy’s face… ).

It all made the rest of the day way more bearable.

When the day ended, I packed my things and found Nori waiting outside.
She didn’t say anything about Rebecca—though I’m sure she knew. She just looked at me.

And now I’m here, writing this while Tessa’s testing the shuriken cannon in the workshop... which is a terrible idea, to be honest. She’s already broken two mugs and nearly hit Dad in the head.

Now it’s my turn to play with the shurikens, so I’ll stop writing for today.

Chapter Text

Day 26

Today Rebecca called me weird again. It was during history class—I didn’t even do anything. I just answered one of Thad’s questions and suddenly a couple of them were whispering to each other. I ignored it.
But that’s not what really mattered today.
What mattered was lunch.

N and I sat at one of the back tables. At first, we talked about normal stuff: boring classes, the new replacement for the robology teacher, whatever. But then… things got weird.
N told me he was tired. That lately, being with V felt… heavy. He didn’t use harsh words or anything. He just said that sometimes he didn’t know if they should really stay together. That he feels like they’re on different paths and that they can’t talk about certain things without ending up in a fight or silence. He said it wasn’t her fault, just that he felt something hadn’t been working for a while.
I didn’t know what to say at first. I just nodded.

But inside, I was falling apart.
Because yeah. Part of me felt… happy, suuuuper happy. I mean, if they break up, I might have a chance. With N. After everything we’ve been through together, maybe we could actually be something more, right?

But... then there’s V.

V, who’s been there for me. Who cares about me in her own way… she’s my friend.
And just thinking about her being sad over this made me feel awful.

So I didn’t say anything. I didn’t ask if he was telling me this because he wanted my opinion or just needed to vent. I just listened.
And now I’m here. Writing this while trying to figure out exactly what I feel.
I don’t want them to break up. But I’d love to be with N in more than just a friendly way.

I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to write it down. So I won’t forget.
Today I’m confused. Really confused.
I don’t know if I should talk to Tessa about it.

Chapter Text

 Day 27

Cyn is showing up more often.

It’s not just the desks or the hallway windows anymore. Now I see her in the reflections of utensils, in turned-off screens, even in the sheen of oil if I stare at it long enough.

And she’s always the same. Smiling.

That smile never changes. She doesn’t talk, doesn’t move. She’s just… there. Watching me. Like she’s waiting for something to happen.

It makes me nervous. A lot.

So much that today, while I was eating breakfast, I had to pretend I had a headache just to go to the bathroom and breathe for a bit.

I don’t want to tell Tessa or Nori. Not yet. I feel like if I do, they’ll think my meds aren’t working and they’ll switch them again.

But the truth is, I’m seriously thinking about doubling the dose on my own. Just a bit. Just until Cyn shuts up.

At lunch, N talked to me again.

He seemed tense. Like something had just happened.

And yeah, he told me he had another fight with V.

He said they argue about everything lately, but that this time was different. That V got mad because he’s been “spending too much time” with me. That she was jealous. That she said some harsh things. That she didn’t like the way I looked at him last time.

He just said he didn’t get why V was acting like that, that he wasn’t doing anything wrong.

And then he dropped the bomb.

He said he didn’t think he could stay with her much longer.

That he was tired of how things were and that he’d rather be with me.

I didn’t respond right away. I just listened.

But inside… oh robo-god, I was screaming with joy.

Well… part of me was still sad for V.

She’s my friend. Even if we don’t spend as much time together anymore, even if she seems distant, I still care about her.

But another part of me… a much bigger part, felt pure, radiant happiness.

Because if V is jealous, it means she sees something between N and me.

And if N is tired of her, and he comes to me, and tells me those things… then I have a chance.

I don’t like thinking this way.

I don’t want to enjoy them falling apart.

But today I did.

And that scares me a little.

I don’t know if it’s Cyn making me think things I shouldn’t.

I don’t know if it’s the anxiety.

Or if it’s just… me.

Cyn keeps showing up. N is getting closer.

And I don’t know if I want things to get better for them…

or just a little worse so he picks me instead.

I’m disgusting…

Tomorrow I’ll see if I up the dose. Just a bit.

Just to think clearly

Chapter Text

Day 28

I argued with V this morning.

It happened in the hallway, in front of everyone.

She told me she knew what I was doing. That N was with her.

I told her it wasn’t my fault things between them were falling apart.

I don’t even know who started yelling first, but now the whole school saw us — not that they care, as usual.

The good thing is… I don’t feel bad about it anymore.

At lunch, N came to find me.

He sat with me like nothing had happened, like he didn’t know V and I had fought.

But he knew. Of course he did.

We talked for a while.

Then… he looked at me and said:

“Sometimes I feel like everything’s easier with you… like when I talk to you, I don’t have to think so much about what I’m saying.”

Then he looked down.

Then back at me.

“I don’t know what I’m doing with V lately. But with you… I feel better.”

That was all.

But it was enough to make my hands tremble. And to make a smile appear on my face.

Until Cyn showed up behind him.

She was laughing. Like she was watching something funny.

Ever since I increased the dose, my limbs feel heavy and there’s a constant ringing in my head. It didn’t help during the fight with V.

I’m angry at V for how she treated me, and sad about the argument.

But honestly… I don’t care that much anymore.

With N looking at me like that…

I felt alive. Desired. Complete.

Chapter Text

 Day 29

I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I HATE HIM. I HATE HIM WITH ALL MY FUCKING SOUL.

How the hell does he dare?!

Who the fuck does he think he is to look me in the face and say, “Let’s watch a movie” like he didn’t tell me ONE FUCKING DAY AGO that he was done with her and wanted to be with me?

How am I supposed to just sit there between them, like just another friend, like NOTHING happened?!

Is he messing with my head? Is he laughing at me? Did he forget everything, or is he just playing with me?

And V right there, acting like it’s all fine. Laughing, touching him, eating popcorn like she didn’t scream at me in the hallway, like she didn’t cry in front of me, like she didn’t say she was jealous.

Like we’re besties again.

I’m sitting here eating with them… and inside I’m rotting.

I want to scream. I want to get up and flip the damn table.

I want to spit in their faces and tell them to shove their stupid movie night where the sun doesn’t shine.

But no.

I said I had a headache. That I was going to the bathroom.

Lie. I was suffocating. I had to get out before I exploded.

And there I was, locked in a stall, talking to the walls.

Because I don’t even know what’s real anymore.

I don’t know if he actually said what I think he said. I don’t know if it was just in my head.

I’m taking DOUBLE the chips, DOUBLE, and my thoughts are still all over the place.

What the fuck is happening to me?

Why does everything feel fake? Twisted?

Am I losing my mind?

And of course—Cyn showed up again.

I saw her in the mirror.

Smiling. Always smiling.

I could hear the laughter. That robotic laugh repeating over and over.

She was mocking me. Laughing her ass off at me.

I couldn’t take it anymore.

I punched the mirror..

It shattered completely.

I didn’t care. I didn’t feel it. I just wanted her to stop staring.

To vanish. To shut up. To go away.

Tomorrow… tomorrow they can all go to hell

Chapter Text

Today, even though I really didn’t feel like it, I went to class.
And yeah... big mistake. What a surprise.
Between the bad mood from yesterday and Rebecca bothering me, I ended up causing an accident.
But seriously, it was an accident—I didn’t even realize when I crushed that guy, it just happened.
And because of that, I got suspended... It wasn’t my intention, he didn’t deserve it.

Dad picked me up and the ride back was full of tension.
When we got home, I ended up arguing with him and getting mad at Mom.
I was way too harsh with my words. I shouldn’t have said that at the time.
It’s just—God—I felt so overwhelmed.
On one side there's the idiots N and V acting like they have split personalities.
Then there’s Cyn in my head.
And Tessa being back, and school, and Mom…
I just felt like I couldn’t breathe.

Though if there’s one thing I don’t regret, it’s sending N that insult-filled message.
I was in my room when his message popped up, and in that moment of rage, I didn’t even read it.
I just opened the chat and cursed him out, told him off, said some horrible things.
And yeah, I blocked him.
Didn’t even think about it.
I’ve had enough of them.

In the afternoon, while Cyn kept talking and talking, I escaped the bunker.
Didn’t say a word, didn’t tell anyone.

I took one of the empty ventilation shafts and slipped out.

I needed silence.
Air.
Something that wouldn’t speak to me or look at me like it knew what I was going through.

But I got distracted. Walked too far, lost in my own thoughts, talking to myself like some lunatic.
And then, a storm started.

Now I’m here, trapped in a crumbling old building, shivering, soaked, the windows shaking with every gust of wind.

No signal.
with no one.

Not very different from how it’s always been.
You got this, Uzi Dorman.
Just like always.