Archive of Our Own ^beta

Stede Bonnet likes boys. 

But not in a girl-likes-boy sort of way. Stede Bonnet likes boys in a boy-likes-boy sort of way. A gay way.

Theoretically, he likes the idea of being with a boy. He doesn't especially like looking at pictures of boys or videos of boys. At least, not in a gay way. But then again, he’d never especially liked looking at pictures of girls or videos of girls. 

Not generic girls at least. Not just random humans he didn't know. He did sometimes enjoy looking at photos of girls he knew. Or well, not knew, exactly. Not personally. More like girls who were characters in things, or actors. But he never liked looking at them in a gay way, he didn't think. Or at least not in a sexual way. 

Come to think of it, he also sometimes looked at pictures of boys in the same way. Not in a person-who-presents-as-a-girl likes-boy way, or in a gay way. It just made him feel nice. In fact he probably preferred to look at boys rather than girls if he had the choice. Not that he did it very often.

And when he thinks about it, he's not sure he actually likes boys because most of the time he's scared of them. So when he says he likes boys, he's not entirely sure what that means in practice. But in theory, Stede Bonnet likes boys.

And he knows that doesn't make sense to most other people. It doesn't make sense to himself. Because Stede used to like girls. 

It wasn't a phase, wasn't a mistake. He doesn't think back and realise he was kidding himself that he liked girls when all along he really liked boys. He used to like girls. He liked them in a person-who-presents-as-a-girl likes another person-who-present-as-a-girl way. In a gay way.

Once he'd realised that about himself, he stopped questioning it. He liked girls. End of. So who’s to say if he also liked boys as well? He doesn't think he did, but he also didn't really give it much thought. 

Stede knows this is all very confusing to other people. They look at him and they don't see Stede Bonnet, a demisexual, demiromantic man. They see S**** Bonnet, a lesbian who dresses a bit more masculine than she did before. 

Most people get his name right now, although people still slip up and he has to correct them sometimes.

People still frequently get his pronouns wrong all the time. And not just strangers. People who know him. Lots of times they don't even realise until he corrects them. And he hates correcting them. 

He also hates knowing that they obviously haven't spent any time or effort to reframe him in their mind. They don't think of him as Stede the man. They think of him as S**** the lesbian but with a different name. 

And in a way that is who he is. He is still the same person. But he's not a lesbian and he never was. And he hates that because there's nothing he can do about it, other than try to look less like a lesbian. Which he has very little control over. 

Clothes and a haircut can only do so much, and really, they only make him look more like a lesbian. 

At this point he feels very much like there's nothing he can do to make people see who he really is. He just has to wait and see if he'll get help changing the way his body looks. 

And who even knows what the state of the world will be like by then. Whether help will even still be on the table for anyone at all.

So things often feel a bit bleak for Stede Bonnet and he sometimes wonders whether he shouldn't have bothered. Whether life might be a little bit easier if he'd kept things as they were. 

But then he’ll see his best friend Ed and everything feels just right. 

Stede Bonnet likes Ed. He really likes Ed. 

When Stede had first told Ed he should have been born a boy, Ed said, “cool.”

A lot of people said, “cool,” actually. Because Stede never made a secret of it. He'd been saying it all his life. It's just that he didn't realise there was anything he could do about it. And people said, “cool.” 

They looked at S**** Bonnet saying she should have been born a boy, and they said, “cool,” and then thought no more about it.

When Stede had realised that maybe there was something he could do about it, he'd told Ed, and Ed had said, “cool,” and listened to him talk. He'd given him advice and told him about some of the options that might be available to him. Because Ed should have been born a boy, too.

When Stede had told Ed he was thinking about changing his name and pronouns, he'd said, “cool,” and he'd helped him with some of the admin for that (there was so much admin!). 

Ed had never got Stede’s name or pronouns wrong from the moment Stede told him what they were. 

Ed went clothes shopping with him. Helped him decide what felt like ‘Stede.’

Stede had been excited about the trip, but that quickly faded when he'd looked in the mirror expecting to see Stede Bonnet the boy, but actually seeing S**** Bonnet the more masculine-looking lesbian.

But Ed had bigged him up and been just as excited as Stede had initially been. So Stede stopped looking in the mirror and used Ed as his mirror instead. He picked clothes that looked good on the hangers, the ones he was drawn to. When he tried them on, he picked the ones that felt good, and then out of those, he picked the ones that made Ed's face light up. 

Ed went with him to the barbers for the first few times, until Stede was brave enough to go by himself, and even then, Ed would still come sometimes. 

He wasn't much help with the style Stede wanted. Ed had really long hair, hadn't had a haircut for years, other than to sort out his ends, so didn't know how to help him with that part. But he was fantastic at helping Stede just be in a space that didn't quite feel like it was for him. 

Because to anyone meeting him, Stede looked like a lesbian. 

Stede didn't look in the mirror while the barber was working, which was difficult seeing as he was seated directly in front of it. When the barber asked him if the cut was okay, he looked for a few seconds and said he liked it. He liked running his fingers through it, and Ed had smiled widely and said, “looks fucking great, mate.”

Maybe the haircut did look great. It definitely felt good, as long as he didn't look in the mirror. Because as good as the haircut and clothes were, Stede couldn't change his face or his body, and he still looked like a lesbian.

When he eventually told Ed how he felt, Ed had hugged him while Stede cried. He'd rubbed his back and told him he totally understood because it had been the same for him.

Stede couldn't imagine Ed ever looking like a girl. So Ed took Stede to his mum’s and asked her to get out the old photo albums. and there was little Ed wearing a dress. Little Ed with his dark hair in pigtails, a style he still wears sometimes these days, but that suits him a lot better now. Ed in his school uniform ready for his last ever day at school, looking like a lesbian. Stede ran his finger over the image in wonder. 

Stede knew that Ed liked boys now too. And that had changed for him, too. He used to like girls, just like Stede had done, and now he likes boys. Hasn't shown any interest whatsoever in girls since Stede has known him. Hasn't really seemed to show any interest in any boys either to be fair. But Stede knows Ed’s gay.

Ed is there with him for all of it. He's there for the joyous moments when Stede’s bank lets him change his name and gender markers without any fuss. And when he received his new driving licence with his new name and Mr Stede Bonnet printed there to prove it. Just don't look at the photo because Stede looks like a lesbian in it.

He's there for the moments when some companies who gladly take Stede’s money refuse to change his name on their account because he doesn't have a court issued change of name document, even though that's not required to change your name, not even by the government. It's changed on his passport and driving licence and all of his financial things but the TV company won't do it. 

He's there for the clothes and the hair and the name changes. And he always gets his name and pronouns right, with seemingly no effort. 

He's there for the tears when Stede gets deadnamed and the wrong pronouns are endlessly thrown at him like little daggers, and when he catches sight of his own reflection too many times in a day and all he can see is a lesbian, just like everyone else sees. Ed's there for Stede’s tears when it all feels too much, when he feels for certain that he'll never be perceived by other people as his true self. 

But Ed keeps on seeing Stede for who he really is. Stede knows that Ed looks at him and he doesn't see a lesbian. He sees Stede, someone who's always been a boy no matter what he looks like.

Ed's there when Stede tries trans tape for the first time and he smiles and laughs and giggles with him as Stede looks at himself in the full length mirror he dug out from behind the wardrobe and hung back on the wall. 

Ed comes over in the middle of the night when the tape gets really itchy and irritating and Stede needs to get it off. He helps Stede put oil on the tape and encourages him to wait and not just yank it off and then he holds Stede once it's off and he's crying so hard because nothing will ever be better and he's always going to look like a lesbian when all he wants is to look like himself.

He's there while Stede rubs ointment into the raw spots where he pulled the tape off too soon. Ed lifts the mirror off the wall and hides it behind the wardrobe so Stede doesn't have to see his own reflection anymore. 

He's there when Stede tries a binder and then flings it away because it's so uncomfortable and he'll never get used to it.

He's there when Stede tries sports bras, which he's worn before and finds quite comfortable and they do stop things moving about of their own accord which feels better. But he still looks like a lesbian and the mirror stays behind the wardrobe.

Ed is there for Stede whenever he needs him, and all the times in between. They have so much fun together in spite of all the big stuff. 

And Stede really likes Ed. Has done from pretty much their first meeting. At first he liked him in a friend way and then in a best friend way. But then that started to change, and now, Stede also likes him in a gay way. He likes him very, very much.

He knows Ed won't ever like him back in that way because Ed’s gay and Stede looks like a lesbian. So he shoves his feelings for Ed behind the wardrobe with the damned mirror.

Ed is there for pretty much everything. He's there for movies and lunches at Roach’s cafe and dinners on the sofa. He’s there for nature walks along the river and visits to the museum and ridiculously long trips to Stede's favourite book shop. He's there for the farmers market and road trips and pizza nights.

Ed is even there for Stede’s first kiss with a man. Because the first man he kisses is Ed. 

It turns out that Ed likes Stede, too. And not just in a friend way, or a best friend way. Ed likes Stede in a gay way. Because even though Stede looks like a lesbian, that's not what Ed sees. Ed sees Stede the man, and he likes him in a gay way.

And Ed is there for Stede's panic that people will think Ed's straight. They'll just assume it because they'll see him with someone who looks like like a woman. Ed says, “I couldn't give a flying fuck what people think, mate. You're my boyfriend,” and Stede cries because no one's ever seen him so completely or been so willing to risk their reputation to be seen with him. And also because he wishes he could be like Ed and not give a flying fuck what people think.

Ed loves Stede Bonnet (he/him) and Stede Bonnet loves Ed (he/him) and they're two gay guys who love each other. And that's all there is to it. If other people can't see that then they don't deserve to see the greatest love story that ever was. Fuck them. 

Ed's there for Stede's first appointment and he's there afterwards to hold Stede yet again as he cries tears of hope which turn into tears of despair at the long and winding road to come and then turn back into hope again.

And Stede knows Ed will be there when he's finally ready to get that mirror back out so he can see himself as he always should have been.