Chapter Text
Jaemin stares into space. Everything’s just happening too fast. Masyadong mabilis, hindi niya na alam. Wala na siyang maintindihan. Ang mukha niya ay basa pa rin ng mga luhang iniyak niya kanina sa puntod ng kanyang kuya. Hindi pa rin siya makapaniwala.
His brother is gone.
The thought made his breath hitch. His gaze remained distant until he heard something. Tumunog ang pinto at ang mga kasambahay nila ay dali daling nagpunta patungo roon na para bang may iniintay na dumating.
Probably a relative. But, everyone was with them earlier and all have gone separate ways after sharing a meal together. Who else would it be? Family friends? Pero napagusapan nilang pamilya na huwag nang magimbita ng mga kaibigan.
For a brief moment, his thoughts wandered to something other than his late brother. Jaemin silently watches the door, waiting for the unannounced visitor to show themself. A breath catches in his throat once the guests finally reveal their presence.
Mark Lee walks in. He’s dressed in a white button down paired with beige pants. Jaemin doesn’t even notice that Mark is accompanied by his parents and that they’re trailing behind him. He stares hard. Mark’s features changed a lot in a year.
Huling kita niya kay Mark noon libing ng kuya niya. That was a year ago. After that, Mark kind of disappeared, no trace left behind. Not even a text. And Jaemin didn’t even feel his absence. Far too lost in grief and agony.
Napansin lang niya ang pagkawala ni Mark pagkatapos ng tatlong buwan. “I haven’t seen Mark in a while,” He mentions suddenly on a random Thursday as he plays with the food in his bowl. He hears his father sigh.
“Mark left with his parents. They’re in Canada. For good,” his dad explains carefully. Tila ba’y nakaantabay ito sa magiging reaksyon ni Jaemin. He seemed worried about what he’ll think. Natigilan si Jaemin sa narinig. Canada? How does he not have a clue? The questioning look on Jaemin’s face served as a sign for his father to add more to what’s said.
“Minho’s death affected him, too. They were best friends,” malumanay niyang paliwanag and Jaemin. Parang hindi siya makahinga at the mention of his brother. Everything was flashing back to him again.
Jaemin blinked repeatedly, far too lost in his thoughts. Nang matauhan siya ay nakita niya si Mark na inililibot ang mata sa bahay nila. He held his breath when Mark starts turning to his direction, afraid to be caught staring but he just couldn’t stop.
He knew he should've averted his gaze. Wala naman kasi siyang karapatan. Wala na. But stopping was never really an option. Not when it comes to Mark. So, Jaemin kept looking. Hoping to feel something. But his heart has long numbed to everything since what happened.
Just when their eyes were about to meet, a figure stood in front of him, blocking his view. He looks up and sees his mother, smiling softly down at him. He stares back, silently asking for answers. Anong ginagawa nila dito?
Mukhang nakuha ng nanay niya ang pinapahiwatig ng mga mata niya kaya naman yumuko ito nang bahagya para hawakan ang kamay niya. “Head to the dining room, honey. We have something important to discuss,” the silence that fell after that was deafening.
His eyes scanned the living room and saw that Mark was standing behind the chair his mother was sitting on with his parents standing on both of his sides. Ang tatay ni Jaemin naman ay nasa gawing kanan ni Mr. Lee.
That’s when he hears the thunder followed by the harsh falling of raindrops. Umuulan pala.
The next thing he knows, nasa dining table na kami. Kumpleto lahat. Both their parents were engaged in a hushed serious conversation. Si Jaemin naman ay patuloy lang na tumititig sa kawalan. He really has no idea what's happening.
In all honesty, all he wants to do is to flop down on his bed and call it a day. He glances at the window and sees that it's now fully dark outside. And as he retreats his gaze back to the painting right across him, it catches Mark in frame.
Mark is seated in front of him. Naguusap ang mga magulang nila ngunit si Mark ay nanatiling tahimik tulad ni Jaemin. Paminsan ay mahinang tinatapik ito ng kanyang nanay upang sumagot sa mga pangangamusta ng mga magulang ni Jaemin.
The older answers briefly with a tight-lipped smile. Hands never letting go of the piece of napkin he's been fiddling with the minute they settled down. Mark must've felt the stare and looked up right away, meeting Jaemin’s eyes for the first time that night.
Jaemin panics and quickly lowers his head. Mariin niyang ipinikit ang kanyang mga mata at humingang malalim. Nagsisimula na siyang mainip.
He hates it. He hates how Mark always looks at him that way. As if he's made of glass. His eyes are always so soft, so gentle. So damn cautious. As if I'm one breath away from breaking.
Ramdam naman ni Jaemin. Ramdam niya ang mga mata ni Mark na hindi pa rin umaalis sakanya. So, he doesn't look up. Not only because he hates that stare. But, because he doesn't know what to do. Not after everything that's happened. Not after he's lost the right to even be by Mark.
“This has been overdue for far too long,” Mr. Na sighs, gaining both Mark and Jaemin’s attention. They both stare blankly, waiting for what's to follow. “But, we agreed to let it sit for a while. To wait until today. To honor Minho,” napatigil ang dalawa nang mabanggit ang pangalan ni Minho.
Now, Jaemin is even more impatient. He wishes his father spills everything they needed to know in one go instead of taking too many pauses. But, he kept that to himself knowing that it'll just stir up trouble. He spares a glance at Mark's direction secretly only to see him with furrowed brows.
Great. He's just as confused as he is.
“You and Mark are getting married by the end of summer,” he says in one breath as if he's relieved to finally get it off him.
Silence followed.
Their parents study their reactions. But it seems like none of them are ready to even react to what's just said. Marriage? What the fuck? Mark's brows remained furrowed. Jaemin is fully looking at him now, waiting for him to look back and tell him it's a sick prank he's a part of.
But, no. Mark's forehead remained creased, his eyes were on his parents now. Waiting for an explanation. But no one speaks. So, they sit in silence for a while. Jaemin wants to ask for an explanation. But, Mark. Mark looks like he has more to say but his lips were kept sealed.
God, they're screwed.
“What?” Was all Jaemin could muster up the courage to say, three minutes after sitting in complete and uncomfortable silence.
“It'll keep the family together, Jaemin,” Mrs. Na, joins in in attempt to clear the heavy atmosphere. ‘Keep the family together in what way exactly?’ Jaemin stops himself from asking.
And then it hit him. Right, both owned companies. Of course they'll merge. Of course they'll have to marry. “Minho assured us that Mark will take care of you.” His mother added. But, somehow, it made things worse for him. What do they mean Minho is involved? What does he have to do with this?
“You were supposed to marry last year. The accident happened so we decided to postpone it,” Mr. Lee explained soflty.
At this point, Jaemin’s head is spinning. He doesn't know what to say. The thought of his brother taking part of this decision makes his sick. Did he mean what he said? Is this right? Or are they using Minho to get Jaemin to agree?
Today was a long tiring day for him. He should've been in bed right now. But, instead he's sat down at the dining table with a plate of barely touched food and a fucking marriage waiting for him.
Mark on the other hand remained silent. His head tucked down with both hands at the back of his head, taking deep breaths to calm himself down. Jaemin wonders if Mark hates the idea just as much as he does.
Because Jaemin will never marry Mark. Dahil isa itong malaking pagkakamali. Mark is never meant to be more than just his brother's best friend.
Mark is no one to him. He should be. He is no one but his brother's friend.
Mark is no one but the best friend his brother once loved.
Mark is no one but someone Jaemin, too, once loved.
Mark Lee is never meant to be his.
By the time he notices it, tears are already streaming down his face. His hands were shaking and everything is tight. “I’ll think about it,” Jaemin replied. It took everything in him to keep his voice steady. Yet, he failed.
Kita sa mga mata nila ang pag aalala. Lalo na sa mga mata ni Mark. But, Jaemin doesn't care. Tumayo siya mula sa kinauupuan niya, wiping the tear that hadn't yet stopped falling. Not caring about his mother's helpless calls for him.
Isinarado niya ang pinto. He made sure it's locked before finally breaking down in tears. He calls out for his brother, begging for forgiveness. And it eats him up again.
The guilt.
He is once again consumed by the guilt of falling for someone that was never his to begin with.
Naaalala nanaman niya lahat. Iyong mga tawa. Yung mga ngiti. The subtle glances. The way Mark’s hands creeps into his. The fact that he lets it happen. Kung papaano siya sumasandal sa balikat ni Mark and how Mark just melts into his touch. While being fully aware how Minho felt for Mark.
The hurt in his brother's eyes when he admits how he feels. The look still haunts him to this day.
Fuck, will he ever be forgiven?
Jaemin is monster. He truly is. A greedy, selfish monster who wants Mark all to himself. The worst part? He knew everything from the very beginning. How fondly Minho looks at Mark. The smile whenever is name is brought up. Mark was his whole world.
But still, Jaemin wants more. Despite knowing everything he still holds Mark in his arms. Patuloy pa rin ang pag haplos niya sa mga pisngi ni Mark habang siya ay natutulog. Still, he looks at Mark like he was made for him. All while knowing the harsh reality.
Nasa kwarto sila ni Minho noon. Typical movie night lang nilang magkapatid. It's been a while since their last ever since Jaemin moved out for college. Huling araw na ito ng Holy Week break nila at bukas ay babalik na ulit siya ng dorm kaya sinusulit na nila.
They lay in bed, talking and laughing. At this point background music nalang yung movie na pinapanood nila. Napunta ang usapan kay Mark na kasama ni Jaemin sa dorm. Their parents pushed them to it after knowing that Jaemin will be studying at the same university Mark's attending.
The night doesn’t end well. Jaemin storms out his brother's room in tears, naka sunod sakanya ang kuya niya but he locks him out. Kinabukasan ay bumalik siya ng dorm nang hindi nagpapaalam.
Jaemin pushed Mark away after that. He didn't answer his brother's calls either.
Weeks passed and their routine stayed the same. Walang kibuan. Mark stopped reaching out at this point. Siya na mismo ang lumalayo. It breaks Jaemin's heart, pero ano pa nga bang magagawa niya? Kailangan niyang itama pagkakamali niya.
He was ready to decline it when someone called, thinking it was his brother. Nang makita niyang tatay niya ito ay sinagot niya.
Just when Jaemin thought things couldn't get anything worse, his world crumbled once again. This time, he doesn't know how to recover from it.