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Chapter Text

It took Amelia a second to remember where she was as she woke up. The surgeon was covered in sweat. The only things she could feel was her heart pounding in her chest and a few tears streaming down her face as she tried to catch her breath.

“Looks like you were having a nightmare, baby. I’m sorry for waking you up” whispered her partner as they stroked her hair carefully.

Amelia’s head was resting on Kai’s chest, the sound of their heartbeat slowly calming her down. She took in the neuroscientist’s scent. Their presence was always reassuring.

“Yeah, no I’m sorry” she blurted with a still sleepy voice. Her head turned to catch their gaze and Amelia could read her lover’s concern in their eyes. “I was having this awful dream where you were leaving me too, to go to London or something.”

“Why would I go to London?” answered Kai, an amused smile appearing in the corner of their lips.

“Some professional opportunity, a lab I think. The worst part is that I didn’t have the best reaction to it, and you left feeling pretty annoyed with me for not being more supportive” she said as she buried her face in their neck. “Meredith and Maggie leaving is a lot for me, and I don’t have the best track record with abandonment. I guess I’m scared of losing you too.”

Kai wrapped a second arm around her body, if they could hold her any closer they would. The couple had been together for a while now, and even though Amelia has always been open about her struggles and sobriety, the neuroscientist still had a lot to figure out about her history. They were wondering what, or who, could have ever hurt her to the point of nearly giving her a panic attack in her sleep at the mere thought of being left alone.

“I’m not going anywhere Amelia. But I do have to admit something” they said as they moved to sit up on the bed. She followed, also sitting up, a questioning look on her face.

“What, are you cheating on me or something?” Her tone was sarcastic, but Kai could sense fear behind it.

“Well, I was waiting until you were in a better mood to tell you, but I did get a job opportunity somewhere else.” Kai marked a pause to look at their partner’s expression, which was still frozen, her cheeks still red from crying. “It’s here, in Seattle. I think I’m going to take it. I would still be working with David until we’re done with my part of the Parkinson project, then I would move here.”

Amelia had a million questions. She knew Kai loved Minnesota, and David. Of course, Kai was very popular and respected in their field which led to great opportunities, but a part of her couldn’t really process what kind of project would push them to abandon their life to move to Seattle. For a moment, she felt terrified that they were doing this for her, that she had somehow trapped them with their relationship. All of which was of course irrational, but it didn’t keep her from fearing the worst. As Kai realized their partner’s brain had started spiralling, they took her hands in theirs.

“It’s a really great opportunity. Bigger lab, bigger team. And it’s not for right now, we’re talking another six months before I even start looking for a place here. Of course, the fact that you live here factored in my decision, but I would’ve taken the job anyway. Your presence is just making it less terrifying for me to, you know, leave everything behind.”

That last sentence was enough to make Amelia snap out of her thoughts, and she pretty much threw herself in the neuroscientist’s arms.

“Oh my god Kai this is amazing! I’m so happy for you!”

She kissed them, her fingers coming to cup their cheek. This was as much of a celebratory gesture as an attempt to prevent that three words sentence from escaping her lips. They still hadn’t really said ‘I love you’ to each other yet, and secretly, Amelia hoped Kai would be the first to say it. She had a history of rushing into things, a habit that she wouldn’t allow to creep into that relationship as well. So, for now, she made of point of showing, not telling.

As their kiss grew, Kai’s hands started roaming on the woman’s back, landing on her hips. The neuroscientist lips then fell towards their partner’s neck, starting with slow kisses which quickly evolved into slight bites and playful sucking.

“Is it okay if I leave a mark? I know you have work tomorrow” they asked.

“Kai I don’t fucking care about that right now” replied the surgeon, pushing the back of Kai’s head onto her neck again.

With that in mind, Kai’s kisses became more aggressive, leaving red bruised marks along their way. They were taking their time, enjoying how her soft skin felt against their lips, which is what might have led Amelia to grew impatient. The neurosurgeon grabbed the bottom of her partner’s shirt and took it off over their head, leaving their chest bare. Then, using her own weight, she forced them down on the bed while straddling them around their hips. She connected their lips again in a kiss as her own hips started moving, looking for any amount of friction through their respective underwear.

“Amelia…” Kai breathed as the brunette was now kissing their neck and shoulders, slowly going down.

“That’s right, say my name.”

Kai could hear the smile on her face as she said those words. Amelia didn’t take control in the bedroom that often. She had spent the better part of their early relationship figuring out intimacy as a same-sex couple, not having that much experience to go to beforehand. ‘Sex with men is pretty straightforward, they’re simple creatures’ she once said, so it took her a while to grew fully confident with her new partner in that area. But what she lacked in experience she made up with her skilled surgeon hands, and attentiveness for what Kai responds best to. This was something they greatly admired about Amelia; how attentive she was, and how quickly she learned.

Amelia’s kisses kept on heading down her partner’s body, promptly avoiding their chest area and descending agonizingly slow down their abdomen as she repositioned herself between Kai’s thighs. As she started kissing their inner thigh, Kai’s hand found Amelia’s hair and with light pressure, they encouraged her towards their core.  

“Please, Amelia” they asked as their breathing grew heavier.

Their hands reached for their boxers in order to take them off, but were interrupted as Amelia grabbed their wrists.

“You don’t get to rush this” she said with a smile as she let her fingers glide slowly against their slit, still covered by the thin fabric.

A frustrated moan slipped out of the neuroscientist’s lips as their lover continued her ministrations, applying a bit more pressure every time her fingers brushed close to their clit.

“Don’t make me beg” let out Kai in a breathy voice. They had brought their hand back up again to grab onto the sheet, their eyes closed shut as their hips rocked against Amelia’s skilled fingertips.

Deciding the teasing lasted long enough, the neurosurgeon finally sneaked her fingers under the fabric and took the dreaded piece of clothing off as Kai lifted their hips in an effort to help her. Her kisses on the researcher’s inner thighs resumed, taking her turn in leaving a few bruised marks as well, before finally closing the gap to their core. Still, she started very much too slow for Kai’s preference by only lightly brushing her tongue along their slit.

Kai’s moans grew louder, more frustrated as their long fingers came to find a familiar place into the woman’s hair. They wondered what kind of magic gave the surgeon the power to make them come undone as only the slightest touch, how could a single woman could possibly drive them that crazy that quickly. Silently, they knew it was also a result of their own work as it was in Kai’s habits to tease infinitely until they turned their partner into a begging mess. She was simply returning the favor, which was as much of a praise as it was revenge on her part. But as the need to feel more of Amelia took over, Kai decided that they wouldn’t allow her to tease any longer. Their grip around her hair hardened in order to force her attention around their clit, ragged breathing exiting their chest as the surgeon picked up on their demand.

Their pleasure built up as Amelia’s rhythm increased, to finally settle on one that she knew her loved one particularly appreciated. Her skilled tongue found that spot that made the scientist eyes rolled behind their head, and she adjusted the pressure on their clit, knowing that Kai preferred a hard touch. Not that it was easy, with Kai’s hips moving to meet her tongue at each movement. She should’ve guessed that taking initiative didn’t mean that Kai would allow her full control.

She wrapped her arms around their thighs all the while appreciating their reaction to her touch. She loved that power so dearly; only she could get the neuroscientist to snap out of their ordinarily organized and calm nature in favor of that rougher version of them. There were few things she loved more than the view of Kai losing composure under her actions. Their labored breathing and the apparition of that crease between their eyebrows only encouraging her.

“More, please” they whispered between two moans, and Amelia hesitated at that command until Kai reached for her hand, guiding it closer to their entrance.

 It was not that often that Kai asked for penetration, which they described at ‘not really their thing’ and commented that it could even sometimes make them feel uncomfortable. Dysphoria-related, Amelia supposed. But it didn’t keep them from enjoying it every time they asked for some.

With all the confirmation she needed, the woman readjusted herself between their thighs, circling their partner’s entrance with two fingers. When she finally pushed them in, the sound that Kai let out was ungodly, so much that Amelia could feel her own wetness growing between her legs. She started with a slow in-and-out movement, curling her fingers with each motion, all the while continuing her activity around their bundle of nerve.

Following this, Kai was getting restless. Amelia looked up at her partner. Their eyes were closed shut, head pushed into a pillow, mouth slightly open and letting out delightful sounds of pleasure, their walls fluttering around her fingers. And so, she picked up the rhythm, allowing them over the edge in a strangled moan. Their orgasm teared through them, and the surgeon didn’t flinch as Kai’s nails dug into her scalp. She didn’t take her eyes off them as she guided them through the pleasure, progressively slowing her movements as the high passed.

Slowly, Kai’s cries were replaced by an attempt at catching their breath, only interrupted by a small whine as the surgeon took her fingers out. One arm was resting on their forehead, the other hand still in Amelia’s hair, their teary eyes still closed in appreciation of the last few waves of pleasure.

But Amelia wasn’t quite done with them just yet. The woman took opportunity of the scientist’s current sensitivity to start slowly circling their entrance with her tongue, careful not to overwhelm them. Kai low hums of pleasure encouraged her, their fingers running in their partner’s hair, way more affectionately this time.

“Amelia Shepherd, you’re going to be the death of me” they said in appreciation.

This lasted a few long minutes of Amelia’s tongue taking care of her partner, still in pure bliss, their walls occasionally contracting from the aftermath of pleasure as they enjoyed the sensations. Never had they met anyone before who cared for them like Amelia did, who would take advantage of the after-effect of climax just for the sake of it. Just because it made them feel good. She wasn’t done until Kai said they said they were satisfied, and those were Kai’s favorite moments. It appears as if they could drown in the ecstasy these moments brought, where only the both of them existed, a different kind of pleasure taking over their brain.

Finally, Kai took her hand and pulled her up to kiss her, lovingly. The surgeon lied on her side as her partner’s head came to rest against her chest, an arm wrapped around her side.

“Dear god Amelia. I need a minute, and then I’m all yours” they explained in a sigh, visibly exhausted. God how she loved hearing her name in their mouth.

“You don’t have to reciprocate if you don’t feel like it, you know” she said with a smile, a hand in their hair. Their gorgeous long hair that Amelia loved so much.

“No I want to, I really do. I just don’t know if I can right now. Unexperienced my ass” they laughed in reference to the very first time Amelia confessed that she was a bit nervous about having sex with them, and they offered to guide her through it. She definitely knew her way around them now.

“In that case, I might have an idea” she answered.

Much to Kai’s discontentment, she got up from the bed to reach into the dresser, from which she retrieved a strap-on the couple had acquired a few weeks prior, which she threw in their direction. Kai’s face lit up as they understood her intention and they quickly grabbed the harness to put it on. As Amelia walked back towards them, she took the opportunity to strip herself from her shirt and underwear, and her hips might have moved in a slightly exaggerated way as she climbed back onto the bed. Not that Kai minded.

They sat up, suddenly not as tired as they were mere seconds before, and helped Amelia get comfortable as she straddled their hips, leaving some space for the purple toy between them. Blue eyes locked with Kai’s as their hands made their way down her body. When they finally reached her center, they couldn’t help but gasp quietly at how impossibly wet she was.

“Kai, don’t make me wait any longer, I need this. I need you” she moaned, her hips moving in search of more friction from her partner’s hand. Amelia was intentional in her words, knowing very well how these kinds of sentences had a way of making her the researcher go wild.

She didn’t need to ask twice as Kai grabbed the dildo to guide it towards Amelia’s entrance. Their other hand was resting on the small of her back as hers came to hold onto their shoulders. Finally, she pushed her hips down on the toy, and she couldn’t help but let a high-pitched cry escape her throat under the new sensation. One of both pleasure and pain.

Piercing green eyes locked on her, full of concern.

“Are you okay baby? Does it hurt?” they asked gently, and she smiled at the pet name.

“I’m fine, Bartley” she reassured, taking a second to focus on her own breathing. “Lube might’ve been helpful now that I think about it. Just give me a minute to adjust” she added before kissing her partner deeply. Their attentiveness for her never failed to make the neurosurgeon fall more and more in love with them every time.

The scientist’s hand was gently caressing her lower back in encouragement as Amelia continued her movements, slowly, carefully, taking the toy a bit deeper with each trust. Soon, she got used to the toy’s width, and her hips picked up the rhythm. Kai’s fingers traced over her neck where they left their mark earlier and their mouth started attacking the surgeon’s collarbones, all the while enjoying the low moans Amelia was making with every deep trust.

The heat from her skin radiated against Kai’s as their hands found her breasts. At first the touch was light, fingertips brushing against her nipples, which didn’t fail at making Amelia ask for more. “Harder” she groaned, and their ministrations grew more aggressive, scratching and tugging at the soft flesh. They knew their partner well enough to know she liked a bit of pain with her pleasure, probably more than she was willing to admit. But unless she was to explicitly ask for it, Kai tried to avoid going too far down that road, somehow scared they would cross a still unfamiliar boundary.

Soon, Amelia’s breathing grew erratic, her movements on the toy more desperate as she was visibly getting close.

“Touch yourself for me, love” Kai asked gently.

One hand was entangled in her partner’s hair as the other made its way down to her core to find her clit. Under the new sensation, it got harder to focus, and Amelia rested her forehead at this point covered in sweat against Kai’s shoulder. Her motions became unsteady as she got closer to the edge, which encouraged Kai into placing their strong hands on her hips, guiding her through it.

“You’re doing such a good job for me baby” they let out as their own breathing increased. The noises coming out of their lover were like pure magic, Kai couldn’t look away if they tried. Amelia wasn’t the quiet type in bed to begin with, but the strap had a way of enabling that even more which never failed to impress the scientist. “Come for me please.”

The praising was enough to make Amelia cross over the edge in rough moan. As the pleasure washed over her, her muscles gave up, and she leaned her weight against her partner’s body. They wrapped their arms safely around her as she got through the waves of her orgasm, shaking a little, and enjoying the way Kai’s bare skin felt against hers.

The neuroscientist gently stroked her hair as the woman released her grip on theirs, progressively catching her breath. They helped her lie down on their chest, the weight of her body over them feeling very grounding after such a high.

“Kai” she said as her ability to form sentences came back. “We need a shower.”

“We do” they answered through a smile. They simply could not stop smiling, how did they ever get so lucky? Their nose found its way into the woman’s hair and pure bliss washed over them as Amelia’s scent filled their nostrils. “For the record, I think you still smell lovely.”

“Jesus, Kai I’m sweaty and sticky and gross. And you are too. Just give me a minute before we have to get up.”

It took a while for the neurosurgeon to compose herself again. Finally, she pushed on her arms and allowed the toy to slowly slid out of her before letting herself fall on the bed next to her partner, eyes closed, seemingly exhausted and on the verge of sleep.

She made sure to voice her discontentment as Kai sat up on the edge of the bed to take the harness off and make their way around the bed to Amelia’s side. An arm sneaked under her shoulders, another one under her thighs as they promptly lifted her with ease. She giggled slightly and her arms wrapped around their shoulders as Kai guided them both into the bathroom.

They let her down under the shower, not before making sure her legs were capable of supporting her weight again, and the hot water rushed over them. Amelia captured their lips in a chaste kiss as Kai reached for the soap and helped Amelia clean herself. Her hands found their shoulders when they kneeled down to wash her thighs, her blue eyes focused on them as their hands made their way up her body. When they reached her neck, they couldn’t help but stare one more time at the bruised marks. They had taken a dark violet color, and wouldn’t by any means be easy to hide. Red rushed to the taller one’s cheeks at the realization. People would see them, they would see that Amelia belonged to Kai, and a weird mix of pride and shame washed over them.

They shampooed her hair as she let out low hums of satisfaction, relaxing her head into their hands. Her still oxytocin-filled brain made every single touch feel electric, and for a second it appeared as if the whole world suddenly ceased to exist. There was only the two of them together, and nothing else mattered.

Kai then started cleaning their own body, promptly stopped as Amelia took the soap from their hands and came up behind them to wash their back. Her fingers traced over bright red scratch marks that she hadn’t even realized leaving.

“Holy shit Kai did I do that? Does it hurt? I’m so sorry you could’ve told me if I way hurting you-“

“Don’t even think about apologizing, Shepherd. I had the best time” they reassured her as they took the soap once again from her hands to finish the job.

They finished washing their hair as Amelia stepped out of the shower to dry herself. Still, they were overall done in the bathroom before she was. It always took about two business days for Amelia to dry her hair and she had what Kai estimated to be a bazillion different body creams and skincare products she liked to use after a shower. This allowed Kai to step out of the bathroom and went over to open the bedroom’s window, allowing some fresh air to fill the room.

“Amelia? Where do you keep the clean sheets?” they asked as they stared at the mess they had both made on the bed.

When Amelia finally stepped out of the bathroom, she found Kai finishing up putting some crisp sheets on the bed, having put the previous ones in the washing machine. They had cleaned the toy and put it away, the room felt fresh and a lavender candle was lit on the nightstand. Upon seeing a mix of joy and confusion on her face, the neuroscientist just smiled at her.

“It’s about time you get used to it. I know you’ve been dating men your whole life, and that the bar has always been pretty low, but it’s actually the most normal thing for someone to take care of you after sex. It’s called aftercare for a reason” they said in a laugh. “Also, sushi is on the way, and I know a new season of your favorite show just came out if you wanna watch it while we eat.”

She slipped into bed next to her partner, her head finding its place next to their heartbeat. Tranquility washed over her as she listened to the slow rhythm.

“Thank you, for everything” she mumbled, almost too low for Kai to actually hear.

“I’m glad to be impressing you with what I call the bare minimum” they joked, but also feeling really fulfilled by taking care of their loved one.

They ate and cuddled in front of the show for a while until Kai realized that Amelia had fallen asleep. They pushed a strand of hair out of her face and whispered a small ‘I love you’ before closing their eyes as well.

Chapter Text

"What about that one?" asked the surgeon, pointing at a light round mark on her partner’s side.

“Cigarette burn.”

“You used to smoke?”

“Occasionally, but this is actually a souvenir from my ex. Not my favorite one as you can probably guess” they answered through a small laugh.

They were lying on Kai’s bed, in their loft in Minnesota. Amelia usually wasn’t afraid of a bit of cold weather, but Minnesota winters didn’t play by normal rules. They were totally snowed in; the building’s garage door’s mechanism froze overnight, locking Kai’s car inside. Unable to go to the lab (much to the researcher’s disappointment), the couple decided on making some tea and spending the day home together instead.

This gave Amelia the perfect excuse to steal one of the neuroscientist’s warm sweaters, one she had been eyeing for a long time. Even Kai had to admit that the forest green fabric complimented her dark hair perfectly, but to be honest, they couldn’t imagine Amelia Shepherd looking bad in anything.

Her fingers traced down to their bare thigh (how were they not cold in only a tank top and boxers?) and over their tattoo. The motif covered a great deal of parallel white lines, each of different length and thickness. It didn’t take a M.D. to know what they were.

“Why a moth?” she asked while tracing the outlines of the ink creature with her fingertips. The insect was surrounded by different kinds of vegetation, including thorns and ferns. The tattoo didn’t cover the neuroscientist’s scars perfectly, but it definitely took the attention away from those.

“I don’t believe that tattoos need to have meanings. I just like it.”

“So, none of this ‘caterpillar evolving to become a fabulous butterfly’ business?”

“I guess I like the poetic side to them. They’re gorgeous, but only come out at night so nobody will ever appreciate their beauty. They’ll always follow the light, even if it means they’ll die crashing in flames. Beside they’re fascinating creatures.”

“Do you relate to that?” she asked, her blue eyes locked on her partner. She loved that brain of theirs.

“I don’t think so. But I do admire them.”

Their gaze was following Amelia’s fingers and Kai could tell she had questions she didn’t dare to ask. They took a deep breath. The neuroscientist felt safe with Amelia, just the fact that they were letting her touch those imperfect parts of them was already proof of that. It took them a while to fully embrace every part of themselves, and they wanted her to know them all.

“It started when I was around thirteen, and went on for most of my teenage years. That’s actually why I quit the swim team; it became too much of a burden to constantly hide my scars from my parents and the other kids. Still, they eventually found out, my parents I mean, after a particularly bad episode. And my dad didn’t have the best reaction” they said as their eyes finally caught Amelia’s. She was listening attentively. For once, they couldn’t quite read what she was thinking. “One day my college roommate found me just, bleeding, on our room’s floor, and I had to beg her not to call an ambulance. I really thought I was fine and had it all under control, but she made me realize that I was in fact not. I put a lot of efforts into finding other coping mechanisms after that. Finally, being out of my parent’s home helped and I started to get better. I still think about it, and crave it after a bad day sometimes, but I’m mostly fine now.” Realizing what they had just said, they couldn’t help but add “Well, it’s nothing compared to opioids of course. But you know that already.”

The surgeon’s hand came to rest against her partner’s cheek.

“Thank you for telling me” she muttered after a while. “Also I think you’re wrong. Addiction is addiction, we don’t have to compare struggles. I’m glad you’re better now.”

Her smile was reassuring. Amellia liked to call herself a mess despite being the most grounded person Kai had ever met. They couldn’t help but admire how self-aware she was of herself, her feelings, and the great wisdom she acquired through it. She kissed their lips softly.

“I have something weird to ask” said the surgeon as she pulled away from the kiss.

“Shoot.”

“Can I…  color in your tattoo?” she asked in a giggle.

They laughed as well, a bit surprised by her query, but eventually agreed. They pointed her to their desk where they kept the pens, which she swiftly fetched before positioning herself over Kai’s thigh. She started her work, very focused, her tongue poking out of her mouth in a way that made her partner melt. Kai relaxed into the feeling of the pen, not having realized how tense their previous conversation had left them. They loved seeing that expression of deep focus on Amelia’s face, now deeply grateful for that time spent together the snow had granted them.

“What about you, any scars with cool stories I don’t know about?” they questioned her.

Looking up from her activity, the neurosurgeon took their hand and guided it to her hair where her surgery incision left a thin, elongated blemish.

“Brain tumor?” they guessed.

“Brain tumor” she confirmed. “Apart from that most of my scars are internal.”

“What about this one” they inquired, grabbing her wrist and pulling up the sleeve to reveal a white mark on the side of the surgeon’s hand. “I’ve always wondered about that one.”

The surgeon pulled her hand away to grab a green pen, suddenly a lot more focused on her coloring activity. She did answer the question anyway.

“I got drunk and started dancing on a bar. Until I fell, and cut my hand open. I actually did the stitching myself, as you can see by the flawless technique” she added in a sarcastic tone. Her secret weapon, to deflect any revelation that might’ve been too heavy.

“Wait, you stitched up your own hand?”

“Well, I wasn’t gonna let an intern do that, was I?”

 Silence settled in. Kai looked up at the ceiling, taking the time to absorb the information. ‘What was that Amelia like?’ ‘Lucky to have survived’ she said the first time they asked her about it. Their hand ended up on Amelia’s thigh as she was finishing her masterpiece on Kai’s. Finally, she looked up at them, fearing for a moment that she scared them away.

“I am highly aware that what happened during this period of my life is not normal, and I wouldn’t blame you if you’d preferred that we avoid talking about it.”

Their green eyes meet hers, suddenly very aware that the silence might’ve led the surgeon into spiraling again. They sat up on their elbows and shook their head.

“Amelia, there isn’t anything you can say or do that would scare me away. I like learning about you. It makes me feel closer to you. And so far, I like every part of you, even the scariest ones.”

The woman looked up at the ceiling, this was her trick to prevent herself from crying. She took a sharp breath and closed her eyes.

“I’m really grateful to have you” she simply said in return.

---

“Hey Amelia, come over here!”

The voice was coming from the living room space. Amelia had just finished washing the last of their lunchtime dishes. She hurriedly dried her hands before joining her partner on the couch. A photo album was sitting on their lap.

“Look at what I found” they told her in a smile, while pointing at a picture.

It was a picture of a large group of students on Hopkins’ campus. On opposite sides of the cohort were standing Kai and Amelia. They didn’t really know each other that well back then, as they were a couple of years apart and overall both very focused on their respective studies, but they did meet a few times at different student-organized events. Their common interest in neurosciences did spark a really great conversation at a party once, but that was about the extent of their interactions until they met up again for the Parkinson project. This very conversation is what led Amelia to follow Kai’s work more attentively than others’ through the years, and it would be a lie to say that Kai wasn’t doing the same.

“I already had a crush on you back then, you know? How could I not have a crush on the Amelia Shepherd.”

“There’s no way I’m believing you, Bartley. Give me that” she said in a laugh, taking the album away from their hands. She couldn’t remember how or when that picture was taken, but there she was, smiling at the camera, oblivious that her future love was standing only a few feet away from her. “Him, right here, he was my boyfriend at the time. Real jerk, laughed in my face when I told him about my plans to become a surgeon. I can’t believe we dated for over six months after that.”

“Oh yeah, I hated that guy. Couldn’t keep his mouth shut in the library, it used to drive me crazy.”

“Exactly!” she laughed.

She then started going through the pages of the album, delighted at the complimentary story Kai had to offer with each picture.

“This was back when I won my first competition on the swim team – yup, that’s me right there with the weird haircut – and her right here is who I like to call my gay awakening. We ended up making out at a party a few years later. She, of course, ended up being really straight, but she helped me realize I wasn’t. And that’s me and my sister on thanksgiving, also my first time wearing a suit in front of my entire family.”

“Wait, you guys wore suits for thanksgiving?” Amelia asked, amused.

“I grew up rich and proper, deal with it. And that right here is a picture of little Socks when he was just a kitten.”

Socks was the name of Kai’s tuxedo cat, short for Socrates. Because of course Kai would name a cat Socrates, thought Amelia the first time she met the feline. The cat was of rather distant nature and tended to hide whenever people, plural, were home. But more recently he had taken the habit of sleeping by Amelia’s side when she was around for the night. The neuroscientist actually couldn’t believe it the first time they woke up to their cat cuddled up against their partner’s arm. Secretly, that’s when they decided she was a keeper.

Socrates was currently curled up on the living room carpet, carefully looking at them from a distance with an expression that never failed to make Amelia laughed. The couple flipped through the pages for a while until Amelia’s phone screen lit up with an incoming facetime call. She picked it up to answer it, welcomed by Scout’s face way up the camera.

“Hey buddy! How are you doing?” she asked the small boy, a radiant smile crawling on her face.

“Hi mommy” practically screamed the two years old through the device.

Suddenly the phone was grabbed from his hands by Link who set it up on a table, across from them.

“Hey Amelia. Someone wanted to say hi before going down for his nap. How are you doing over there?”

“HI KAI” interrupted Scout upon seeing the scientist’s face on the screen.

“Hello there” they answered softly.

“Well, we’re totally snowed in. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to fly back on Wednesday if this keep up. I’ll update you as it goes.” She then turned to address the boy. “And you better be on your best behavior. I promise I’ll be back soon.”

“Yes momma” answered the boy through a yawn.

Kai always loved how Amelia’s face lighted up whenever Scout was around, and the way her voice sounded when she was talking to him. There was a lot of love there, clearly. At first hesitant, they had started appearing more and more in the little boy’s life, always putting in the time to take him for ice cream or to the aquarium with Amelia when they were in Seattle. They still didn’t want to be a parent or have a family of their own, but they had come to really love the boy. The couple had talked a lot about the kind of place Kai should take in Scout’s life, with the conclusion that there will never be any expectations of Kai regarding the topic. Amelia’s only condition being that Scout will always be her own priority, and her partner respected that, a lot.

When the call ended, the surgeon put down the phone and rested her head on Kai’s shoulder.

“I know you miss him a lot” they voiced as if that was not already obvious. They could sense the woman had something else in mind.

“We need to talk about you moving to Seattle” she told them, avoiding eye contact.

By that point, Kai had accepted the job proposition, but they still hadn’t really talk living arrangements. The scientist mentioned looking for their own place at first, but the idea of the both of them living together had come up a few times in discussions. It was time for the couple to have a real conversation on the topic.

“I would really love for us to live together. Coming home to you at the end of each day, and falling asleep in your arms, I’ve been dreaming about it for weeks now” she stated, in a way that made Kai realize that this was a speech had been rehearsed. “But you moving in with me also mean you would be living with Scout, at least half of the time. And I know it’s a lot and that you might not want that right now, so I’m not sure we should be moving in together.”

“I know” answered her partner, pensively. “I’m not sure I’m ready to live with a toddler.”

“Yeah, I figured.”

“Maybe I’ll look for my own place. That way I can come visit whenever I want, whether it is to help with Scout or spend time with you. And you can come at mine when Scout is at his dad’s, spend the weekend. I’ll distract you from missing him too much” they simply told her, like this was the most obvious thing in the world.

“You’re amazing. Thank you for making this so easy” she just answered, relaxing more and more into their strong arms.

“Besides, I’m not sure we’re even at this point of our relationship yet. Maybe once we spend more time together, I’ll realize that you actually drive me crazy and that the only reason our relationship worked so far was because of long distance” they joked.

Actually, this was very much one of Kai’s fears. The way they saw it, there were two major checkboxes that needed to be filled for their relationship to work. Kai needed to be able to dedicate their life to their research, and Amelia had to balance both Kai and Scout into her already heavy schedule as Head of Neurosurgery. Long distance made it easy; they could both handle their own side of the scale by themselves and meet up when it was convenient. Sure, it was hard being apart for extended periods of time, but it also allowed them the space necessary to fit in the rest of their respective lives. Now that Kai was about to move to Seattle, they feared this equilibrium would be disrupted.

This worry took a lot of space in the neuroscientist mind lately, but they didn’t feel quite ready to share it with Amelia, yet. First, they needed to figure out where the anxiety of moving to Seattle stopped, and where the one concerning their relationship began. Change always somehow scared them, and their brain coming up with the worst-case scenario was part of the process. If anything went wrong, at least they were expecting it.

“We both know I already drive you crazy, Bartley” said the surgeon, interrupting their partner’s thoughts.

“Well, you’re right about that.” The grin on their face made their dimple come out, one that Amelia couldn’t get enough of.

“But really, I’m kinda scared about it too” she admitted.

Kai knew their fear of change was shared. They remembered Amelia saying that for addicts, starting new things could be scary by putting them at risk for relapse. She was just starting to get a hold of a life without Meredith and Maggie present at every corner if she needed them. Still, she couldn’t wait to have Kai just a car ride away.

“We’ll take it one day at the time, and we’ll figure it out. You’ll go to as many meetings as you need to while we’re settling in, and we’ll figure the rest out as we go” they reassured her, and also in a way reassuring themselves.

Amelia felt very validated by their comment. They didn’t always perfectly understand that part of herself, but they had always put in the efforts to make space for it and adapt. Contrary to previous relationships, Kai never treated her addiction as just some dirty episode of her past to ignore. That made Amelia feel so loved, and slowly, she was starting to believe that every part of herself was deserving of it.

“Kai Bartley, you’re probably the best thing that ever happened to me” she mumbled, finally reconnecting their eyes.

“Says Amelia Frances Shepherd, the neurosurgeon who tries to cure Parkinson’s for a living.”

“How the fuck do you know my middle name? Did Meredith tell you?”

“She did” they answered, which was difficult as laughter took over.

“Okay well it’s not fair. I demand to know your middle name as well” said the woman as her arms wrapped around her partner’s shoulders.

“I actually don’t have one. It used to be my grandmother’s name, but I ditched it when I updated my papers to Kai. It felt weird to keep it, and I didn’t feel like taking my grandfather’s name. He was kind of an asshole.” they commented.

She cut them off by connecting their lips in a kiss. Following this, Kai lied down on the couch and helped Amelia get comfortable on them, her head finding its spot on their chest. Kai pulled a blanket over their bodies and closed their eyes, relaxing into the moment. A hand came to find the woman’s dark hair, fingers roaming where they had felt her surgery scar earlier during the day.

“You really like listening to my heartbeat, don’t you? Maybe cardio should’ve been your calling” they stated, innocently.

Amelia’s sharp inhale and lack of response indicated that something was wrong. Clearly there was history there that Kai didn’t know about. They decided on letting it go; she’ll open up about it when she’ll feel ready. Instead, they brought their other hand to her cheek, cupping it gently.

“I love you, Kai.”

“I love you too, Amelia.”

Socks commented on the interaction with a loud meow, making the couple laugh.

“We love you too, Socks” added the surgeon.

She was definitely the one.

Chapter Text

Amelia was nervously pacing through the living room. Kai had come to spend the week in Seattle and the couple spent most of their free time apartment hunting for the neuroscientist. But seeing as an old friend was also in town, the surgeon saw no reason not to invite her for dinner to catch up, and meet her partner. They had agreed on spending the evening at Amelia’s place, the night before Kai had to fly back.

“Okay, Scout is down for the night” announced Kai as they quietly closed the boy’s bedroom door.

“Thank you so much for putting him down. I can’t believe he actually asked for you to read him his bedtime story.”

“Do you have to do that” they said as they vaguely gestured at Amelia, a nagging smirk punctuating their lips. “Pacing.”

She laughed at the comment and took a deep breath before sitting on the couch.

“Sorry, I guess I’m nervous. I’ve never been anxious about Addison meeting my boyfriends before, seeing as the bar has always been pretty low but I don’t know. This feels different, like way too official” the surgeon stated, in an attempt to explain her behavior.

“Don’t even try to apologize for that. I’m sure she’ll like me. Shouldn’t you be the one telling me that, by the way?” they joked. But really, Kai was pretty nervous as well.

They had met most of Amelia’s family by that point, at least those who mattered. Kai had gotten to know Meredith especially well after working with her for over a year, and well, making a good impression on Scout hadn’t been too difficult. Secretly, the neuroscientist wished they could do the same for Amelia by introducing her to their family, and even came to fear she would think they were too ashamed of her to do so. But of all people, Amelia would be the last one to judge them for avoiding a very official meeting with their parents. She understood all too well the difficulties of a dysfunctional family.

Instead, Kai introduced her to their friends, their bandmates, and they had all gotten to love Amelia. Now, they couldn’t stop teasing Kai about the way they were looking at her. It would be difficult leaving them to move to Seattle.

“You don’t get it. Meeting Addison is the equivalent of meeting my parents. She practically raised me with Derek when I was just a dumb teenager, she’s the one who put me in rehab when I was at my lowest and she always stood up for me even when I was awful to her.” She raised her head to look at Kai. “It’s really important to me that she- oh my god Kai I can’t focus when you’re standing over here looking like that.”

“What?”

They were wearing a white shirt, not quite buttoned to the top. The way the loose collar was sitting on Kai’s collarbones drove Amelia crazy, though she couldn’t quite point out why. It also didn’t help that Kai was leaning against the living room doorway looking at her like that.

“Just stop being so hot for a moment so I can think straight” she said as she did her best to look away.

“I’m not quite sure how to do that, love” they teased.

Their conversation was suddenly interrupted by a knock on the door and Amelia rushed on her feet to open it.

“Hey Amy” said the neonatal surgeon, a familiar smile on her face as she embraced Amelia.

She stood tall, though not as tall as the researcher, but her confidence seemed to make up for the difference. Kai stood behind as the two women welcomed each other, noticing how her presence alone seemed to put their partner at ease immediately.

“Hi Addie. Come on in. So, this is Kai” she announced as she pointed towards her partner.

“Nice to meet you Kai” added the redhead as she extended a hand.

Kai shook her hand politely, muttering a “likewise” and glancing at Amelia with a confused look on their face.

“I thought no one was allowed to call you Amy” they commented in a light chuckle.

“I’m allowed” answered Addison with a mischievous look on her face, visibly amused.

Addison then took her coat and shoes off and the party migrated towards the couch while making small talk. Meanwhile, Kai was starting to understand what Amelia meant when she said that this meeting with Addison was special. Not even Meredith could call her Amy without being subjected to angry looks from the neurosurgeon.

They were sharing news about the kids when Addison remembered to pull the ginger ale she had brought out of her bag.

“I’ll go fetch the glasses” proposed Kai as they quickly got up to walk towards the kitchen.

As they reached the cabinet, they marked a pause to take a deep breath. The researcher was thoroughly impressed by the effect Addison had on the whole room the second she walked in. It seemed like her presence alone was enough to make Amelia relax, and their connection was palpable.

They walked back and served everyone’s drinks when the conversation evolved towards Amelia’s recent struggles. She shared about how she dealt with her sisters moving away, that one surgery that particularly affected her, and how she was also nervous about Kai moving closer but also really excited. And Kai watched as their partner felt at ease discussing all of this without putting up walls of irony around it.

They had always appreciated how vulnerable Amelia had taught herself to be around them the more their relationship progressed, but that didn’t keep Kai from noticing the sarcastic tones she always took when discussing issues and difficulties with other people, including her family. But with Addison, the neuroscientist saw an honest Amelia, who felt safe enough with her sister to open up without the need to deflect any feeling she might have with humor. In their admiration, Kai failed to notice Addison looking at them with the same thought. This made the OB/GYN smile as she realized that Amelia had finally found someone with whom she could be who she is, without the need to hide any part of herself she feared her partner might not love.

“So Kai, you’re moving here for work, right?” asked Addison, making the neuroscientist snap out of their thoughts.

“Yeah, that’s right. The Parkinson’s research really boosted my career and credibility in the neurodegenerative disease research sphere. A few months ago, I got this really great offer to work on early detection and treatments for amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. Today getting a diagnose for ALS is kind of being handed out a death sentence, but with the latest discoveries in genetics and neurosciences I’m hopeful that we can find ways of treating the disease in the pre-symptomatic phase which can prolong life expectancy and the patient’s overall quality of life” they explained, suddenly very invested.

“Aren’t they amazing?” commented Amelia, vividly grinning while looking at her partner.

“Absolutely, that sounds promising. I’m happy for you. Are you okay with leaving Minnesota though?” added Addison.

“I guess so. It’s going to be a bit hard to leave my family, especially my sister and her kids but we’ll make it work. I’ll fly back for the holidays and it’s not like I haven’t got some family in Seattle too” they answered while looking at Amelia.

The two exchanged a quiet conversation through their gaze that Addison didn’t fail to notice with a smile.

“So, who’s hungry?” interrupted Amelia, slapping her knees as she got up.

“Don’t worry, I cooked” reassured Kai, figuring that Addison was well aware of Amelia’s questionable cooking skills.

Dinner went well, conversation went easy and Kai felt more and more comfortable actively taking part in the discussion as time went by. Addison and Kai actually found themselves to have a lot in common, especially in music taste, as they realized they had attended the same concerts in New York several times. As they reached dessert, Scout’s bedroom door opened and a sobbing little boy stepped out of the room.

“Oh are you okay honey? Did you have a bad dream?” said Amelia as she went over to pick up the toddler.

The boy suddenly stopped crying upon seeing Addison and extended his arms towards her.

“You wanna go see auntie Addie?” asked the brunette, handing Scout over to Addison.

“Hey baby, you grew up so much!”

“Looks like I have some competition for Scout’s third favorite person” commented Kai, just slightly jealous.

“Scout actually asked for Kai to read him his bedtime story earlier today” told Amelia to Addison, feeling proud of how close the two were getting. “I can’t blame him for liking them.”

“I can’t blame him either, they seem like a really awesome person” said Addison, looking over at Kai who mouthed a silent ‘thanks’.

Scout had started to fall asleep again in the redhead’s arms who was rocking him gently.

“We can try putting him down again, that way you can enjoy your dessert in peace Addie”.

“Don’t even worry about that, years of handling babies taught me how to multitask” she answered as she sat back down and grabbed a spoon. “Besides, I missed him. He looks a lot like you, you know?”

“Hopefully he won’t take too much after his mother” remarked Amelia.

It looked like Addison would’ve ripped Amelia’s head off if it wasn’t for the sleeping child lying in her arms.

“Amelia, you have to stop self-deprecating. You’ve finally reached a point in your life where you can be a great example for Scout. Stop acting like the world is gonna implode just because you exist in it” replied Addison, in a both firm and affectionate tone.

Amelia got quieter after that. Not a bad quiet, a thinking kind of quiet. Then she just nodded and sat back down.

“Thank you, Addie.”

“Anytime.”

Later this evening, Amelia took Scout back in bed, and Addison started gathering her belonging as it was getting late. The redhead took opportunity of the other woman’s absence to turn toward Kai.

“You seem like a great person for Amelia, and I can tell she genuinely loves you, a lot. But hurt her, and I’ll track you down and kill you, got it?”

She said this while laughing, like she was joking, but Kai wasn’t a hundred percent sure about that. The neuroscientist knew their partner had been through a lot, and that Addison was there to catch her when she was still in the worst of it. Judging by her reaction earlier to Amelia’s concern about her son taking after her, she clearly cared a lot about the neurosurgeon well-being, and her sobriety.

“Got it”, they replied. “I can’t even imagine doing her any harm.”

“I know about that time you broke up with her over her already having a family. That could’ve been a conversation, you know? She’s been through enough. So take care of her for me, okay?”

With her dad and Derek gone, Addison believed it fell into her hands to give the “hurt her and I kill you” speech to Amelia’s partners. And she enjoyed it profusely. She could barely hold her laughter as she saw the look on the scientist’s face.

“Yeah, sorry about that.”

Amelia walked back into the room, clearly sensing that she must’ve missed something by the atmosphere. She shot an interrogating look at her partner as she walked Addison to the door.

“It was good to see you Amy, take care. Same for you Kai”

“You too. And stay safe, if you ever need any help because of those pro-life protesters, just call” added the brunette. A small amount of worry could be read on her face.

The redhead smiled and waved as she walked through the front door and disappeared into the hallway.

As Kai was washing the final dishes, they glanced at Amelia’s phone screen which lit up with a text from Addison. “I like them”, it read. That made the neuroscientist smile, and maybe blush a little. The surgeon grabbed the phone to answer the text, then looked up at her partner.

“By the way, what did she tell you while I was putting Scout down?”

“Oh nothing, just how she was gonna kill me if I ever hurt you again.”

“Fair enough” said the brunette in a laugh before sitting on the kitchen counter.

“She cares a lot about you” they added as they dried their hands. “I’m glad you two have each other.”

“I’m glad too. If it wasn’t for Addison, I probably would’ve end up dead in some random hotel room or on the side of the road.

Kai came up in front of her and kissed her cheek lightly.

“I’m glad you’re not dead.”

The surgeon then wrapped her arms and legs around her partner and they lifted her up gently.

“I can walk myself to bed you know?”

“We both know you like it better that way” they stated with a smile.

Kai was woken up the next morning by the noise of the front door closing. They extended their arm towards Amelia’s spot only to find her side of the bed empty and cold. So, they called out for her.

She appeared in the doorframe, only wearing Kai’s dark green sweater and black panties, still visibly half asleep.

“Hey, that’s my sweater. I was wondering where it went. Figured you stole it but still.”

“Sorry, Link came to pick up Scout early to go spend the weekend at his parent’s” she said in a rough voice.

The neurosurgeon climbed back in bed next to her lover, slowly exhaling as she felt their arms wrap around her body.

“We still have a few hours before I have to get up to catch my flight” they whispered in her ear before kissing that one place on her upper neck.

The woman only answered by letting a small groan out of her throat at the contact. The researcher then slid their hand under the green textile, their cold fingers against Amelia’s warm skin making her hiss.

“Can I take this off?” they asked softly.

“Please.”

The researcher helped her pass the sweatshirt over her head and took their own shirt off before coming for her neck again, leaving a trail of kisses, biting playfully along the way. The woman’s hand found their hair, encouraging them down.

They got the message, and their lips found her left breast, their hand taking care of the other one. As they started sucking on her nipple, the noises she was making got them curious. Kai started tugging harder and lightly scratching her skin with their right hand which only made the neurosurgeon’s back arched and pushed her chest more into the touch.

“Tell me if it gets too much, okay baby?” Kai stated as they looked at her face for confirmation.

Once obtained, their hand made its way down her abdomen and into her underwear. The scientist took their time running their fingers up and down her slit, appreciating how wet the surgeon was before finding her clit. As soon as they started drawing tight circles over it, Amelia got more vocal, and her hips begin to move to meet the neuroscientist’s fingers at each motion.

At the same time, they resumed their activity on her breasts, scraping their teeth against the soft flesh and sucking more forcefully. They knew Amelia always liked a bit of pain, but they didn’t know exactly how much. They figured this morning was the perfect time to explore that.

Knowing how sensitive their partner’s breasts usually were, they started slow. But as they started sucking more intensively, Amelia’s pleasure only grew, her grip on their hair tightening, so much that Kai slowly grew hesitant to keep going. They stayed attentive for any signs of discomfort in her voice, but couldn’t detect any.

As they took a step back to catch their breath, they noticed her nipple now visibly bruised by their ministrations and started to worry.

“Are you sure this is okay Amelia? Do you want me to slow down?”

“No please Kai this feels really good. I need more” she pleaded. Her eyes opened to look at her partner’s in a reassuring way, and she was biting her lower lip which Kai found exceedingly hot.

And so, they kept going, attacking her other breast with the same force and picked up the rhythm over her clit. They could feel Amelia’s nails digging into their back, followed by the feeling of her hands roaming over their shoulders and crawling towards their chest. As her hands got too close to that area, Kai grabbed her wrists.

“Don’t touch.”

“Sorry, I forgot. I just wanna make you feel good.”

“It’s okay.”

With one hand, they pinned her wrists over her head and kept going. The surgeon caught that serious look in their eyes, the one they got when they really focused, which was noticeable by how quickly that heat was building up in her stomach.

“Kai I’m getting close” she said in a breathy voice.

‘Already?’ they thought, as it usually took longer for Amelia to just start relaxing into their touch and let go of whatever was on her mind in that moment. They made a point of continuing exactly what they were doing, knowing that a change of pace or pressure at that time could throw the whole thing off.

When she finally came, they helped her through it, progressively slowing their movements on her clit but increasing the pressure. Something they had learn was pretty effective in prolonging their partner’s orgasm without overwhelming her. They also traded their aggressive ministrations on her breasts for softer kisses over every spot they had just bruised.

Kai’s hand freed the surgeon’s wrists in favor of handholding. Their actions nearly felt like habits, as they knew very well how to please the woman by now. When she finally came down from her high, Amelia pulled her partner closer and buried her face on their shoulder.

Their name was all she managed to pronounced, over and over again, her brain still fuzzy.

“Seems like you enjoyed it. Are you sure you’re okay though?” asked the scientist, still slightly concerned by how bruised they had left her, not to mention the marks from scratching her skin, and the redness around her wrists. Their arm came around her back, caressing it softly with their still-clean hand.

“I did. I really did. I’m fine, this was amazing” she said, still attempting to catch her breath. She loved feeling close to her partner after sex, but she could feel something felt off. Kai seemed… Somehow detached from the moment.

Once her thoughts gathered, the surgeon sat up and had a small laugh at the view of the traces over her body.

“You didn’t go easy on me that’s for sure. But really, I liked it. I loved it” she said as she took her partner’s hand in hers and brought it to her mouth. She licked their fingers clean, and if Kai wasn’t so distracted, they definitely would’ve found it hot.

She straddled their hips and started to kiss their neck, ready to reciprocate, but stopped when she realized their lack of response.

“What about you, are you okay? You seem distracted. I’m okay really, did I scare you?” she asked, now concerned. In her pleasure, the neurosurgeon had failed to notice her partner’s shift in attitude.

“No it’s not that. It’s nothing really” they stated with an attempt at a reassuring smile, but the surgeon knew them well enough to decipher what was hiding behind it.

“Is it because I touched your chest? Do you feel dysphoric?”

“Yeah, I guess. But it’s not your fault really, so don’t worry about it.”

“It kinda is. I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”

“I could tell you weren’t” they answered with a laugh. And she laughed too. “But no it’s not your fault I feel bad about it.”

They grabbed the green sweater that Amelia was previously wearing and put it on, hence putting a stop to their morning activities. The surgeon’s attitude instantly shifted towards reassurance as she cupped their cheek and kissed them softly on the lips.

“I wanna help, Kai. I need to know what is okay, and what makes you feel bad. And clearly trial and error isn’t working for this one.”

“Mh, okay. It isn’t really a yes or no answer though.”

“It’s okay, walk me through it.”

They nodded, with a grateful smile. “So, resting your head on my chest is definitely okay. Touching it can be okay when I’m wearing my binder, or clothes, but getting too much attention around it make me feel uncomfortable. Especially when I’m naked, it’s usually when I feel at my most vulnerable and it tends to make it worst.”

The neurosurgeon was listening attentively, taking notes of everything they were saying in her head.

“What about penetration?”

“I like it, sometimes. Other times it just makes me overthink and kinda ruins everything. I really like the way you’re letting me make the call each time.”

“Sure, I can work with that. Anything else?”

“That’s all I can think about for now.” They pulled the woman into a hug, fearing she would notice the tear running down their cheek otherwise. “Thank you, Amelia. This means a lot to me.”

“Thank you for being impressed by what I call the bare minimum” she joked.

The two of them cuddled for a while until Amelia got up for a shower. She couldn’t help but notice that Kai didn’t follow her to the bathroom for once, but figured they needed their space. The woman felt bad about messing up, but also closer to her partner after their discussion, though she couldn’t believe the two of them had actually waited that long to really talk about it.

As the water started running in the other room, Kai took a sharp breath, still feeling pretty embarrassed by the situation. They couldn’t really tell why they felt embarrassed. This was Amelia, after all. Nonetheless, they felt bad that they had to put an end to an otherwise good time because of their own issues. They admired how Amelia had progressively started to be more vulnerable around them when she needed to, but they definitely still had some effort to make on their side.

They packed their stuff, including the green sweater they were previously wearing, and changed into some clean clothes. When Amelia finally stepped out of bathroom, she found Kai cooking some scrambled eggs for breakfast, and a coffee cup ready for her on the counter.

“How are you tits?” they asked with a smirk.

“What? Oh, yeah they’re good, just a bit sore” she laughed.

The couple then ate breakfast, and Amelia dropped Kai at the airport on her way to the hospital. She cried a little as she turned the car around to go to work. Separation was never easy.

Her day at the hospital seemed to never end. A massive crash occurred on the highway right before she was about to head out, and she had to stay a few extra hours to provide neuro checks. One of the victims ended up with a spinal injury which led to the woman performing emergency surgery in the middle of the night.

The sun was rising when she finally got home. The only thing she wanted was a hot shower and to crawl into bed. As she finally slipped under the covers, she felt something soft against her arm.

It was a carefully folded sweatshirt, one of Kai’s, with a note sitting on top. ‘For when you miss me’. It still smelled like them. Before drifting to sleep, the surgeon made sure to text their loved one a picture of the piece of clothing along with the words “Thank you.”

Chapter Text

“Where does this one go?” asked the neurosurgeon while carrying a plant bigger than her whole upper body.

“She should stay out of direct sunlight, so maybe at the bottom of the bookcase?”

Golden hour was settling in as the couple was finishing up furnishing Kai’s new appartement. Most of the day had actually been hell for Amelia, as she didn’t quite grasp at first how peculiar Kai could be about their living space. She spent most of the afternoon doing cable management and trying to figure out Kai’s preferences regarding bookshelf organization. The surgeon truly didn’t get why the dystopian novels absolutely had to be on the adjacent shelf from political essays, but Kai’s attempts to explain it held such passion that she could only agree. It had nonetheless been a good day, though an exhausting one.

Amelia let herself fall on the couch as her partner was fixing up the bookshelves after her.

“Can’t you finish this tomorrow? I’m exhausted and my back hurt” she whined at Kai’s attention. “I thought we were just gonna bring up the boxes and then have sex on the floor.”

They smirked at the comment before retrieving a book from their now tidy shelf and handing it over to Amelia.

“You should read this, I think you’d like it. It’s about this great, impossible love story between two spies on opposite sides during a time war. They celebrate each other through the lost forms of writing in this complex universe that’s almost uncomprehensible for the reader. It almost feels like reading through a series of letters not intended for you to find.”

“Sounds like your type of read.” She smiled as she grabbed the book.

The woman loved all the ways Kai found to stimulate their intellectual abilities. She loved how smart they were, and how she never had to dumb things down when she was talking to them (Owen could never). Especially regarding neurosciences. Not only would they follow her pace of thoughts, but they would also have opinions and theories of their own. It felt freeing to be able to discuss with someone who shared not only her own intellect, but also interests.

“The romantic sides of it made me think of you.”

“That’s gay.”

They shared a laugh as Kai grabbed her hand and helped her off the couch.

“Date night tonight?” they asked gently, their lips finding hers.

“I’m way too exhausted for that. What about pizzas in bed?”

“Deal, as long as you’re staying the night.”

“I haven’t got any clean clothes for tomorrow” the surgeon remarked, hoping to get offered access to her loved one’s closet.

“You can always swing by your place while we’re waiting for the pizzas” they answered with a smile. The researcher still couldn’t quite grasp how their partner now only lived a few short minutes away from them. “Though, you know I wouldn’t mind the lack of clothes.”

After a small chuckle, she took initiative by undoing the zipper of her sweater and letting it fall off her shoulders. Before the scientist could do anything about it, she marched towards the huge bed and turned again towards them, catching their gaze. Kai felt they could die just from the way the surgeon was looking at them while unbuttoning her jeans and letting them fall to the ground.

They joined Amelia, grabbing her by the hips and pushing her down onto the mattress. Her hands found the buttons of their black shirt, and she started undoing them one by one. Meanwhile, their own hands fell to their pants as they started unbuckling their belt.

Once those pieces of clothing discarded, Amelia let her fingers run over their binder, and Kai allowed it, kissing her deeply. They positioned themselves over her, a knee between her legs, and she pulled them closer. Her core found their thigh as she started grinding hopelessly. Hadn’t they noticed the way she was eying them all day? There was something inherently sexy about Kai in a black shirt, sleeves rolled up revealing their forearms, lifting heavy boxes and ordering Amelia around that the neurosurgeon didn’t fail to notice.

They encouraged her by pushing their knee higher up against her center, and Amelia lifted hers against theirs, hoping to give them the same treatment. Abruptly very eager, she inverted their position and to straddle their hips. Her own shirt quickly joined the abandoned pieces of clothing on the ground before she let down her hair from her bun, making a point of giving Kai a show. Dark strands of hair fell onto her shoulders in such hypnotizing manner that the scientist nearly failed to notice the laced navy bra their partner was wearing. The one she knew drove them crazy. Though in that moment, Kai couldn’t wait to take it off.

Their hands crawled behind her back to unhook the garment, unsuccessfully. They usually never had issues taking Amelia’s clothes off, but bras definitely were their mortal enemy. Upon seeing their struggle, Amelia laughed, then slipped her hand between her shoulder blades to undo the clasp in one swift, continuous motion.

“How will I ever learn if you never let me practice.”

“Don’t worry. Now that you’re only a car ride away, you’ll get plenty of practice” she reassured them, eyes darkening with envy.

She allowed the bra straps to fall off her shoulders and threw it on the floor to join the rest of the pile. Kai’s view was mesmerizing; it was an exercise in restrain. The surgeon went to attack the researcher’s neck, then descended to their collarbones, leaving a wet trail behind. She was about to let herself fall from the bed to kneel between their legs and give them the celebratory treatment they deserved. Until she got interrupted.

“Amelia, wait.”

“Are you okay?” she asked as her blue eyes moved to meet theirs. The blushed look on their face comforted her.

“First drawer of your nightstand, I went shopping.”

Curious, the surgeon got off their lap and extended an arm to open said drawer. Of her nightstand. At Kai’s house. She loved knowing all the ways Kai left physical space of her in their new life; it would probably the sexiest thing they would say tonight. The way they organized their space could be infuriating, until she remembered they dedicated a whole shelf in their kitchen cabinet to Amelia’s (and Scout’s) favorite comfort foods, in addition to a drawer of their wardrobe, and another one in their bathroom. Not to mention all the spaces they had planned to fit into Socks’ hiding lifestyle. They cared so much, in ways that kept on making Amelia fall more and more in love with them with each little thing.

Finally, the neurosurgeon glanced into the wooden compartment and her eyes filled with excitement. Her gaze met Kai’s as she retrieved a black vibrator with golden accents from the bedside table, along with its associated remote. ‘I have a goddamn M.D.’ thought Amelia as she tried to make sense of the U shape of the silicon object. That’s when Kai took it out of her hands.

“This part goes in” they explained as they pointed towards the rounded branch of the toy, “and this part sits on your clit” while designating the flatter side.

“Mine?” she asked with the widest grin.

“I was hoping you would do me the honor of trying it first.”

Definitely willing, Amelia practically ripped her underwear off in her hurry as she sat back down on her partner’s lap, taking their hand and guiding it to her core. Theirs lips reconnected in a deep kiss and long fingers slid along her folds. The neuroscientist never failed to be impressed by how wet they could get Amelia in just a few minutes of teasing. A rough moan escaped her throat as their long digits finally dipped into her, their thumb finding her clit, rubbing small circles over it. She bit her lip as Kai’s fingers started moving, curling inside her with each motion.

“Think you’re ready?”

“Don’t make me wait.”

She whined at the feeling of emptiness from Kai freeing up their fingers, and a hand came to the back of her head encouraging it towards their neck. The neurosurgeon attacked her partner’s soft skin, biting playfully at their earlobe, when unexpectedly the feeling of Kai pushing the toy into her cut her off.

Slow vibrations started radiating from her center and her breathing grew heavier. Kai’s hand came to find her chin, forcing her into looking a playful eye contact. Watching Amelia’s face as pleasure washed over her was one of Kai’s favorite activities.

“Such a good girl for me” they whispered, kissing her chastely. She blushed at the nickname.

“Kai, I need more” she asked in a shivering voice. The new feeling was not enough to truly pleasure her, but just enough to keep the surgeon wanting more. A slow torture, one which control rested into her partner’s hands.

That’s when Kai turned down the toy, much to Amelia’s discontentment which she loudly expressed.

“You’re gonna have to earn it now, don’t you?”

Understanding the game their lover wanted to play, the woman’s eyes filled with mischief. She dropped to her knees on the side of the bed and Kai scouted closer to the edge, also taking their boxer briefs off. A soft moan escaped their mouth when Amelia’s lips found their inner thigh. As her tongue ran up their slit, the vibrations began again, making the woman hum in pleasure.

She looked up to see her partner licking her wetness off of their fingers while maintaining eye contact, motivating her to go further. Her arms wrapped around Kai’s thighs, encouraging them to rest on her shoulders. Meanwhile her tongue got busy around their bundle of nerve, which Kai rewarded by increasing the toy’s pace.

It fit inside her perfectly, triggering that one spot near her entrance that Amelia couldn’t get enough of while not forgetting outside stimulation. Coupled with Kai’s husky noises, it was almost overwhelming. Despite everything, she made a point of focusing on her work around Kai’s core, both wanting to give them satisfaction, but also somehow fearing they would deprive her of the pleasuring vibrations too soon.

In the meantime, Kai could tell that Amelia was clearly distracted by their new acquisition, which they enjoyed profusely. Everything from her hard breathing to her blushed face as she desperately tried to focus was overwhelmingly hot. Amelia’s tongue had always been surprisingly skilled, and she knew how to please her loved one better than anybody else. But in that moment, her movements were messier, irregular even. And Kai had a first row sit at watching their partner fall apart under the device’s vibrations.

As they could feel themselves getting closer, they upped the sextoy’s rhythm and let their own head fall back. The surgeon picked up on it, and despite her mind going blank, she refused to stop. She pushed past the distractions of pleasure to give her all to Kai.

The researcher’s breathing began to grow short as their abs muscles tensed in that familiar fashion. Kai’s eyes couldn’t leave Amelia, her hums of pleasure only adding to the sensations of her tongue until their climax hit, hard. Their upper body came crashing into the mattress, arms not capable of keeping them upright anymore. They still found the strength to grab onto the woman’s hair in a silent ask for a break.

Suddenly, Amelia found herself choked between Kai’s thighs as she too crossed over the edge. Waves of pleasure washed over her and soon, the stimulation from the toy got overwhelming. She tapped Kai’s thigh, hoping to get their attention as the need for air started to make itself known, the slight distress somehow making it feel all the more intense.

It took Kai a few more seconds to gather their thoughts again. As soon as they realized the position they had put their partner in, they released their grip around her head, allowing her to breath.

“Amelia, I’m so-“

“Kai, the fucking remote” was all the managed to get out before the overstimulation hit her with a second orgasm. While this one felt weaker, it also came with surprise, as this was something Amelia was only used to be able to achieve on her own.

Amelia cried out Kai’s name, her nails digging into their thighs. Quickly, the scientist found the remote and turned the device off. They helped Amelia onto the bed, cupping her cheek and looking for any signs of pain or distress on her face while the surgeon carefully took the toy out of her.

“Shit Amelia I’m sorry, are you okay?”

“You’re kidding me? That was freaking awesome” she said, out of breath, face flushed.

The neurosurgeon let herself fall into Kai’s arms as they carefully stroke her hair. Most muscles were still twitching from the overstimulation, and a thick film of sweat had formed on her forehead. She felt dizzy, but also great. Her partner watched with admiration the mess that had become of their sweet girlfriend. The movements of her chest as she attempted to catch her breath, her closed eyes, and the way her heart was beating so hard Kai could feel it against their side. They were in presence of the most beautiful woman in the world, they thought.

“Looks like you enjoyed it” they joked, kissing her hair.

As an answer, she kissed their neck.

“Looks like you did do” she managed to put together, gesturing at their inner thighs which were now covered by numerous types of fluids.

She held them close until she managed to gather herself. When she finally turned to her back, Kai’s binder’s seam had left a red mark on her breast which she rubbed with her palm.

“Is that pizza offer still on the table?” she asked, finally meeting their gaze.

“Sure, go take a shower, I’ll join you in a minute” they said as they started looking for their phone.

“Love you.”

“Love you too, baby.”

A thing was different from Kai’s new bathroom in Seattle to their old one. It had a taller mirror, opposite to the sink’s mirror, which went from floor to ceiling. They had a great view of the bathroom from their bed, which allowed them to notice a behavior they had noticed a few times already. Amelia’s path marked a pause as she found herself in the reflection, and her expression changed from bliss to numb. She exhaled from her nose, and her fingers ran along her stomach, tracing the now healed stretch marks that two pregnancies had left her with.

She shook it off to hop into the shower, somehow hoping the warm water who wash away the screaming thoughts that filled her brain. It had happened quickly, so much that it was easy to miss, but Kai knew their loved one pretty well.

They got off the phone with the pizza place and followed Amelia into the bathroom. Kai watched her shampoo her hair, looking at the void in front of her. It broke their heart to observe the confident, self-assured surgeon suddenly go quiet at the view of herself. It was also confusing for Kai the first time they observed such behavior, as they were used to an Amelia who was assertive in her own sexiness and didn’t hesitate to use it as a tool to please her partner.

As they took their binder off, they looked at their own reflection, which also allowed them to understand the duality of her emotions a bit more. They took position behind her in the shower, their arms falling into place over her chest.

“I need you to be honest with me. How do you feel about your body, right now?”

She looked up at them, surprised. Was she so obvious?

“I’m fine Kai, don’t worry about it.”

They marked a pause, their hands replacing hers in her hair.

“Talk to me, baby.”

She always smiled at the pet names, and allowed herself to relax into the contact.

“I don’t know. It’s just been hard having my body changed so much after the pregnancy. Pregnancies. And some days it’s hard to feel like myself. C… Christopher didn’t leave me with nearly as much marks, and I had other things to worry about after giving birth. Like grieving, and my sobriety. Having Scout left a lot more evidences, and I don’t know if I’m comfortable with it.” She inhaled sharply. “I know it’s been over two years and that pregnancy is hard and I can’t expect my body to just bounce back to the way it was before. And don’t get me wrong I’m so, so grateful for Scout. But sometimes there’s just that voice in my head that takes over and makes me feel bad about myself. It also feels like erasing Christopher, and I just can’t shake it off.”

Amelia looked up, hoping the water would hide the tears filling her eyes and hissed at the feeling of Kai’s hand running over her stomach. She didn’t mind Kai touching her there during sex, usually well distracted by whatever else they were doing. Plus, there was of course a lot of trust involved. Never had she had any doubts about Kai worshipping her body, and any voice that would tell her otherwise, they could brush off in just a few kisses, but the touching in that moment felt different. It was way more intimate; the whole point of focus of the conversation. It arose a feeling that made Amelia’s chest sank into her abdomen. It felt like dying.

Meanwhile, Kai didn’t know what they could possibly say to make their lover feel better. Their fingers ran along her stomach as their lips found her neck. They wished they had the power to heal everything in just a touch. Their other arm kept her close as a few sobs escaped her chest. It took a few minutes for the surgeon to gain composure again.

“I’m so sorry. I’ll deal with this myself” she mumbled as she took Kai’s hand and redirected it elsewhere.

“Absolutely not. You can always talk to me about these things, especially if it helps you feel better. I love you, Amelia. That includes the messier parts of you.”

The neurosurgeon turned towards her partner and their eyes met. She mouthed a thank you. That’s when Kai took her hands and brought them up to their torso, their eyes closing at the contact. The researcher allowed her fingers to run along these parts of themselves they could barely bare, a mix of confusion and admiration filling her eyes.

“Kai, are you sure this is okay?”

They nodded, breathing through the contact in an attempt to make their spiking anxiety go down.

“I love you, and I trust you, and I understand what it’s like to feel vulnerable about parts of yourself you can’t quite accept despite the love of the ones you trust. And I’d really like to work through this so I can feel comfortable with you touching my chest. This is something that is hard for me but that I also want so much, and that I think would be really healing for me.”

Still attentively looking at their expression, Amelia let herself feel Kai’s chest underneath her fingertips. Her amazement left her mouth mid-open at the feeling of their warm skin; it was like discovering them for the very first time all over again.

“I trust you too” she simply answered before taking her hands off to wrap her arms around the neuroscientist.

She physically felt them relaxing into the touch, acknowledging how much this gesture meant for the both of them. Kai was also deeply touched by the woman’s comment, all too well knowing that her unconditional trust wasn’t something she gave out easily anymore. They finished their shower in a comfortable silence, the intimacy they shared deeper than any forms of sex they could ever come up with.

The pizzas arrived a few minutes after they got out. Amelia had put on Kai’s black shirt as pajamas, which fit her in all the perfect ways. They could only wondered which magic allowed the neurosurgeon to look good in everything. Socrates the cat came to reclaim its righteous place on Amelia’s lap, much to Kai’s disbelief.

“I think he likes you better than me. Sure, let’s just forget how I fed and loved you every day of your entire life, Socks” they said, mimicking a pouty face.

That made Amelia laugh, her hand busy scratching underneath Socks chin. “We just share a connection, don’t be jealous Bartley.”

‘He should officiate our wedding’ they thought.

“He should what?” choked Amelia.

Suddenly realizing they thought out loud, Kai’s face became bright red and they coughed in an attempt not to choke on their pizza slice, Amelia’s sympathetic hand finding their back.  

“I thought you didn’t want to get married?

“No, I don’t, it’s just” they coughed again, maybe this time faking to give them more time in order to find a suitable answer. “I still don’t believe in the institution. I just like the idea of making you all mine.”

The surgeon smiled at that. With all the agitation, Socks flew away from her lap, which allowed Amelia to lean down and grab her bag lying close to the bed.

“I agree with you, I don’t wanna get married. Again. But I do have an idea.”

She fumbled in her bag for a bit before retrieving a thin golden ring.

“This is something I bought for myself to celebrate one year of sobriety, except I never get to wear it being a surgeon and all. Still, I kept it with me at a symbol of all the progress I’ve made, learning to trust others again and love myself again, which eventually led me to you. And I want you to have it.”

“Amelia I don’t know if-“

“Don’t even try.” She chuckled as she leaned towards her partner. The surgeon undid the clasp of their partner’s silver necklace and slid the chain through the ring’s opening. “That way you’ll always have something of mine with you.”

Kai kissed her deeply and took a moment to look at the jewelry. “Oh wait” they exclaimed before getting up to look for something in their desk drawer. They came back with a box, containing a similar but slightly thinner silver chain.

“Okay, so I got this as a graduation present for myself. I wore it for years, including the day we met. I traded it for this one” they gestured at the chain they were currently wearing “because my mother got it for me for Christmas. She never had a great attention for details, including for picking presents. Anyway. I know you probably can’t wear it in the OR, but I want you to have it.”

“As long as it can fit under my scrubs and not get in the way of the sterile field, it should be fine” she reassured them, a huge smile appearing on her face.

The neuroscientist helped Amelia put it on and they shared a look full of gratefulness for the other. Kai finally broke the silence.

“I can come pick you up from the hospital tomorrow if you’d like. It’ll probably be a light day at the lab, I’ll mostly get shown around and presented with where they’re at in the research.”

“I have Scout tomorrow night.”

“Well, in that case I can cook and we’ll all watch a movie together. Probably Encanto seeing as he’s obsessed with it lately.”

Amelia agreed in a laugh, noticing that contrary to their mother, her partner cared a lot about details as small as this.

 After their meal, Kai grabbed their guitar and took Amelia’s hand as they ventured onto the fire escape, which led them to the roof. She listened as they played a few songs and took in the view of the city. She could see her apartment building from here, and Grey-Sloan Memorial further in the same direction. As time went by, lights started to go out, leaving space for the night sky to fill with stars.

“You know anything about constellations?” the surgeon asked.

“Nope, but I do have quite a few lesbian friends who probably won’t ever shut up about it should you ever bring up the topic. Love them to death though.”

“I like your new place.”

“I like it too.”

Chapter Text

Kai was playing with the ring hanging from their necklace, appreciating the way the cold metal felt against their fingertips. They were waiting for Amelia, overlooking her work from the OR gallery. Watching her operate had always been up there in their list of favorite activities. Now that they lived in Seattle, they made a point of making the most of it.

The researcher had a habit of always being the last one to leave the lab, but compared to Amelia’s chaotic schedule, they often found themselves to be the first one to finish work. They didn’t mind waiting for her. Especially considering that the view into Dr. Shepherd’s OR was mesmerizing.

From the moment she’d walk into the room, the atmosphere would change. Her skills commanded respect, and even in her doubts, the raw talent was undeniable. Amelia’s hands were steady, precise, she stood tall in full confidence of herself. She was wearing her fireworks scrub cap, which was also Kai’s favorite. They could swear a god-like aura surrounded Amelia every time she positioned herself in front of an open skull. It was impossible not to be in awe of the neurosurgeon in these moments.

“Hey there, waiting for your girlfriend again?”

It was Teddy who had just walked into the gallery. A slight moment of panic filled Kai’s chest, as they were not supposed to be here in the first place.

“Hey Teddy” they managed to speak, doing their best to act normal.

“Don’t worry, nobody minds you being here. And I’m the chief, so I get the last word on the matter” she said as she shot them a smile. She marked a pause to look into the OR. “She’s pretty amazing, isn’t she?”

“Wanna steal my girl, Altman?” they laughed.

“God no. I mean. She’s great. We’re just not like that. She’s obviously so talented and very skilled but I just-… Well... Oh my god just get me to stop talking.”

“I’m just messing with you. Though I think she used to have a crush on you” they answered, pretty satisfied with the reaction they got out of the cardiothoracic surgeon.

“She did? Well. It would have been weird for us to… you know, anyway. With the whole history with Owen and all.”

She was now noticeably blushed, which allowed Kai to realized that they might have touched a chord they didn’t know existed. They knew nothing about Teddy’s bisexuality, and had no idea that she had just decided with her husband to open up their marriage only a few hours before their conversation. They were fortunately interrupted by a ruffle into the OR which made the both of them realize that Amelia was finish.

Kai caught Amelia’s gaze as she finally looked up into the gallery and noticed them. She tried to act professional, but even from the distance and behind a mask the neuroscientist could read excitement in her eyes.

“She looks done, I’ll let you get back to her, Bartley. Good seeing you!” Teddy waved as she escaped the room.

Kai waved back, simultaneously noticing that Amelia was now taking off her gown and about to head out. So, they walked to join her downstairs where the surgeon was waiting for them.

“Looking good Shepherd. Impressive, as always” they spoke as they leaned down to kiss her.

She kissed them back gently and took their hand. At first, Amelia really tried to keep it professional at the hospital. But in those moments in the middle of the night when the long halls were practically empty, she allowed herself to be more tactile with her partner.

“Come on, Scout is waiting for us.”

“I thought Link was supposed to have him tonight?”

“He and Jo came down with the flu. I offered to take him because the only thing worse than a men flu is baby flu” she joked. “I hope it’s okay. It’s late so he’ll probably go straight to sleep anyway.”

“Of course.”

When they got to the daycare, Scout was already asleep. He barely woke up to Amelia lifting him up into her arms. The woman might’ve have been small, but her strength was definitely impressive; the neuroscientist watched as she held up the three years old with one arm while lifting his and her own bag with her other hand. Being the gentleman they were, Kai promptly took the bags from her. Their free hand slipped to her lower back as the couple headed towards the parking.

A chill passing through Amelia’s spine took her out of the depth of their conversation, awoken by the drunk yelling of a group of guys on the opposite side of the road. The woman had saw them in the ER earlier. They were waiting for their friend who got into a fight with the wrong guy and got beat up pretty badly. Upon giving him a neuro check, one of the guys groped the neurosurgeon, and thankfully Owen had intervened and kicked them out of the hospital to wait outside.

Upon passing by the group, Amelia stood closer to Kai who instantly noticed her shift in attitude.

“You okay baby?” they asked, an arm wrapped around her shoulder. But she could hardly hear them over the flooding comments.

“Hey hottie, why the pouty face? C’mon smile for us baby!”

“Is that your girlfriend? How come all pretty girls are dykes nowadays.”

Ignoring them would have been fine if it wasn’t for that one guy approaching to cut the couple’s path.

“Don’t ignore me honey, just give me your number and I’ll leave you alone. Is that your kid?” said the man while extending an arm towards Scout.

Instinctively, Amelia turned around in a protective motion. The next thing she heard was the sound of a hard punch, and the cries of a grown man whining from the ground.

“Get Scout in the car” Kai ordered, looking over their shoulder at Amelia. She stood frozen, shaking slightly as she held on tight onto her baby. Scout had woken up from all the agitation and had started crying violently. “Amelia! Car, now!”

Finally, the surgeon snapped out of her fear and hurried toward the vehicle. She passed by a very angry Kai, holding the stranger’s collar in a tight fist. Fastening Scout into their car seat seemed to take forever. The stress of the situation, Scout’s screams and the smell of alcohol she had picked up on the man only added to her distress. When she finally looked up again, the guy was walking back to his friends while holding his nose. The group had exploded in laughter.

“Amelia, please get in the car.”

She did, looking down at her feet and trying to breath. Scout wasn’t calming down, and every part of her being was hating herself for not having been able to protect her son better.

Kai started the car. A few minutes of driving calmed the boy down and he went back down to sleep in an instant, like nothing ever happened. His exhaustion facilitated the task, and the scientist only hoped that the toddler hadn’t understood what just happened.

“Honey, are you okay?” they asked, their hand landing on her thigh. Kai’s voice was deep and soothing. This would have helped Amelia calm down on a normal day, but right now really only added to her self-hatred. What if Kai hadn’t been there? How come could they handle this situation so well, and she as a mother of that child couldn’t? “Amelia, talk to me. Please.”

“It just happened so quickly. I’m glad you were there” she mumbled. Her fingers were fidgeting before being interrupted by Kai’s hand taking hers and bringing it up to their lips. They kissed it gently.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that, and I’m really glad you and Scout are okay” they answered. Her gaze slipped towards Kai’s knuckles, which were slightly bruised.

The rest of the ride to the apartment was quiet. The silence was almost oppressing, and Amelia was relieved when the car finally parked into her building’s garage. She avoided Kai’s worried eyes, still really shaken up by the episode.

She took Scout up to his bedroom to change the sleepy boy into his pajamas. Upon lifting his dinosaur t-shirt, the surgeon noticed a scratch on the toddler’s shoulder. Was it already there, or had she actually harmed her son in her panic? She could barely hold her tears while tucking Scout into bed. The last thing she wanted was to worry him any more.

Kai was waiting for her in the hallway. The second their arms wrapped around her, she fell apart, and loud sobs filled the empty hallway. She felt safe enough with her partner to finally allow herself to feel, so much that her legs gave out and the neuroscientist had to held her up until she could gather herself. Then, for a while, the only thing the woman could do was apologize.

Eventually, Amelia calmed down enough that the researcher was able to guide her into their bedroom. They helped her change, slowly stripping her out of her outside clothes to trade them for an oversize shirt – one of Kai’s actually – and a pair of pajama pants. Kai changed as well while she settled under the covers. When they finally turned around, she was on her side facing away, seemingly ready to sleep.

“Do you need to talk?” they gently asked while getting comfortable next to her.

“Not now. I just wanna sleep. Please.” She whispered.

Her voice was shaky, but she needed time. Instead of pushing, Kai simply pulled her closer. They closed their eyes which did not prevent them from staying attentive. They fought the exhaustion as Amelia quietly cried for a while. Her hands found theirs next to her chest, her thumbs running over their still slightly aching knuckles.

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I should’ve been able to react. Like you did. To protect Scout.”

“It was an unusual, scary situation. Do not hold yourself accountable for the way you reacted to it. Scout is safe, we’re safe, it’s all that matters.”

Eventually, she muttered a small thank you. The neuroscientist couldn’t tell if the words were honest or rather an attempt at shutting down the conversation. Most probably, it was both. It took a while for the woman’s breathing to settle down into a slower rhythm, indicating to her partner that she had finally drifted into sleep, and they finally allowed themselves to follow her. They buried their face into her dark hair and allowed her scent fill their lungs as they dozed off.

The clock read 5:43am when they woke up, only a few short hours had passed. The bed was cold, again, but this time Amelia was in sight. She was sitting by the window, lightly biting on a pen and holding a small notebook. Her eyebrows had a focus crease lodged between them.

“Come back to bed baby” they managed to express in a husky voice, half-asleep.

She didn’t seem to notice, deeply concentrated in her writing activity. They sat up on their elbows.

“Are you okay?” they asked, and she finally turned to glance at them. She then took a hard look through the window upon the realization that the sun had started rising.

“Better, I think? I don’t know. I need a meeting.” She looked distraught. Kai figured she felt the need for a drink, which wasn’t surprising considering the recent events but still got the scientist feeling concern for their loved one.

“We’ll make that happen, I’ll watch Scout. You barely slept though, please come back to bed.”

“I’m sorry for waking you up, I’ll be quieter. But I don’t think I can go back to sleep” she answered, setting down the notebook on the window ledge.

“Just come lie with me then.”

Amelia stood from her chair to come settle into her partner’s arms. Her own wrapped around their shoulders and her head found its place over their chest. Kai’s hand pushed a strand of hair out of her face.

“Wanna tell me what you were writing about?”

“That the world won’t implode just because I exist in it. But sometimes it sure feels like it” she sighed.

“It won’t, I’ll make sure of it. I like protecting you.” They smiled at her, their hand roaming up and down her back.

“I can’t believe just how fearless you were. And I just froze there.”

The confrontation hadn’t been that scary all things considered. It only lasted a couple minutes and Kai had been there to protect Amelia, and Scout. The real thing that kept the neurosurgeon’s mind spinning was the way she reacted. She failed to yell, to kick, to actually defend herself and her son, and she hated herself for it. What if she had been alone that night? What if it happened again? She kept replaying the groping incident again and again, looking for anything she could’ve done differently. Now that this little human counted on her to provide safety, she couldn’t allow herself to feel paralyzed in the face of danger anymore. The guilt was eating at her, so much that it made that self-destructive impulsion scream in her brain. She needed to process those elements, to make sense of it, so she could preserve her sobriety, and do better next time.

She found that journaling was a good way to do exactly that. But better even was to talk about it. So, Amelia allowed herself to relax in Kai’s arms and then told them about the groping incident, and how she might have hurt Scout while panicking earlier. How the smell of alcohol made every muscle in her body feel weak, and the memories it brought back. She even admitted to how she wished she could drink like normal people sometimes, so she wouldn’t have to feel so much. “I’m sorry, I know I talk a lot. It’s just the only way I know how to stay sober.”

“Don’t apologize. We both know you’re perfectly capable of keeping Scout safe, and that you’re an exceptional mother to him.” They kissed the top of her head. “I’m not their parent, but if anyone tries to mess with him, or you, I’ll beat the shit out of them. It feels good knowing that guy got what he deserved.”

That made the woman laugh, but also feel very loved. That sentiment of safety is something she had rarely felt before Kai. It was a weird feeling, being so secure in their relationship and also feeling so protected.

“I’m not used to being able to fall apart without fearing I’m gonna take everything down with me.”

The steady rhythm of Kai’s heartbeat was soothing, and she caught herself closing her eyes, relaxing into the moment. She felt so immensely safe in their arms.

“Does my heart sound good?” they joked after a while, realizing now that it probably wasn’t as funny as they pictured. Now that the storm had passed, the only thing they wanted was to bring her beautiful smile back. Contrary to what the neurosurgeon claimed, they found Amelia to be a pretty happy person. Her lows were low, but her highs were high as well.

“It does, I can dig out my stethoscope later if you want. Now that you know your way around my brain you should definitely check out my heart” she joked back, looking up at them.

“No but really, I think I’d like that” they said back. “Could be fun.”

“It’s a date.”

Kai grabbed their phone on the nightstand and sent a text. It was their day off tomorrow, but even on the weekends they tended to show up at the lab. So, they made sure to let their team know not to expect them today.

“Also, earlier I might have slipped out to Teddy that you used to have a crush on her.”

“You did what now?”

-

The rest of the day went slow. The little family went to the park and rode the ferry which Scout absolutely loved. He held Kai’s hand on the way back to the car, and Amelia watched with amusement her son walking on his tippy toes just so he could reach tall enough to do so.

When they got home, Kai grabbed their guitar. They played a few songs, which led to a cute moment of Scout wanting to strum the string as Kai held the chords on the fretboard. The only way to get him to stop was for Kai to promise that they’ll teach him to play when his hands get big enough. Amelia then took him to his theatre class, which was mostly toddlers running around and making animal noises while Kai waited at home. They knew she would take the opportunity to go to a meeting, meaning that they were getting a couple hours at home alone.

They took a shower and changed. Upon reaching for clean clothes in their bag, they noticed the book they lended to Amelia sitting on top. It had a post-it note on the cover which read ‘loved it’ with a smiley face.

A lot had changed at Amelia’s place since Kai had moved into Seattle. New pictures made their way onto the shelves, they had painted Scout’s bedroom walls a new color together, the kitchen was now furnished in utensils and living plants could be found in almost every room. After the fire, it took a while for the neurosurgeon to carve herself a new home, and Kai was proud to have been able to help. Their gaze found the notebook sitting by the shelf, and curiosity sparked.

It would be morally wrong to read it, right? It’s not like Amelia really hid anything. The couple communicated a lot, and once the surgeon was able to put words on whatever she was feeling she always eventually let Kai in. Still, the scientist wondered what kind of secrets of her past their girlfriend could possibly hide in writing. Especially about her not-sober years. They knew she was sober at Hopkins, worked at the practice with Addison, went into rehab at some point and had Christopher. But outside of these sentences, the history was blurry, and it probably was for Amelia too. They didn’t know about Christopher’s father, or how she had come to work at the practice. More than anything, they wondered about her family.

Amelia kept Scout very separate from his biological aunts, which Kai had only heard of them referred to as ‘the wicked witches of the east’. They had never met her mother, and wasn’t even sure that Scout had as well. A picture of Derek looked at them from the dresser. That’s when they decided against reading the tiny notebook. Kai could always try to ask her those questions later but snooping, not matter how tempting, wouldn’t be the solution.

Scout looked a lot like Derek, they noticed. Aside from the blond, the boy shared many features of the late surgeon. The most prominent one being his smile. The toddler had a smile that could light up a whole room, a trait that Amelia shared too. Great hair must run the family as well. Kai wished they could’ve met him. They wondered if he used to protect Amelia like they did the night before.

Then, Kai made a decision. The decision to introduce Amelia to their family, as their girlfriend. It didn’t matter if she had to learn their deadname, or if their parents made snarky comments about getting married to a man and having a proper family. They loved Amelia and wanted them to know about her.

Later that evening, she got home, alone.

“Hey, is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Link asked if he could pick up Scout from the acting class. They’re feeling a lot better and wanted to celebrate Jo’s birthday together, as a family.”

She looked a bit sad at the sudden separation. Link could be a bit oblivious about how these kinds of situation could make Amelia feel, and the scientist knew the surgeon struggled with the idea of providing a proper family for the boy. Even with Kai around, she pretty much was a single mother. How could that compare to sitting around a crowded table at dinner every night and constant sleepovers with his siblings? She sometimes felt as if she was Scout’s mother, but Link was his family.

“It’s okay really” she said upon seeing the worried look on her partner’s face. “He was supposed to have him for the weekend anyway, at least I got an extra day.”

And so, they spent the evening the two of them alone together. Kai cooked, and they had a movie night watching Portrait of a Lady on Fire (which Amelia had never seen, much to Kai’s disbelief). She was in tears when the movie ended.

“Why the hell would you even show me that? It’s awful, the ending is awful, I wish I never saw it oh my god you ruined my evening.”

They laughed. “Yeah, that’s about the reaction I had the first time I saw it. I still love it though.”

“Oh it’s a masterpiece for sure. But I grew up with Disney movies and happily ever afters. This is just cruel.”

To distract herself, the neurosurgeon went to find her retired stethoscope, which she still kept religiously in its original box. The researcher took a good look at the item. It felt nice in their hands, heavy, its high quality was evident just by a touch.

“It used to be Derek’s, he gifted it to me when I got into med school. I still had two whole pre-clinical years of study to go through before I even started using it, but it felt nice to feel so supported. All of my sisters are doctors, so me getting into med went pretty unnoticed at the time” she explained. “No one expected much from me after how chaotic my teenage years went, but I was determined to prove them wrong. It didn’t work, of course. Apparently being one of the top neurosurgeons in the whole entire country isn’t enough to make your sisters realize that you’re more than just some drug addict who’s destined to misery and loneliness.”

“Well, they don’t know what’s they’re missing out on that’s for sure.”

“I’m fine with being awesome on my own now.” She looked up to catch Kai’s stare. “Not that I’m really alone, I meant without them. It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that I shouldn’t expect anything from them, and that I should thrive for validation from myself only. But they did make it really easy to move on.”

Kai nodded silently, shooting her a smile of compassion and pride before bringing the stethoscope ear pieces to their ears.

“It’s the other way around, let me show you” she interrupted with a laugh as she grabbed the item from their hands

“Wait there’s a right and wrong way?”

“Yes, doctors in tv shows put them on the wrong way every time. It’s driving me crazy.”

She helped Kai fit the stethoscope around their head the correct way, and then took off her shirt. Surprise could be read on Kai’s face as her bra came undone, red washing over their cheeks. It’s not anything they haven’t seen before, but a warning would have been nice.

Amelia smiled upon seeing the researcher’s reaction.

“Well, it’s not really proper doctor appointment etiquette but I figured you wouldn’t mind.”

They didn’t. They barely noticed her fingertips reaching for the item’s bell and bringing its diaphragm up to her heart. The strong ‘thoomp-thoomp’ noises of her mitral and tricuspid valves started traveling to their ears. The rhythm could be heard surprisingly strong and the regularity was comforting. The neuroscientist didn’t really know what to listen for. Instead, they took in the moment.

It felt surprisingly intimate, somehow more than the sight of Amelia’s exposed chest. The surgeon watched as the researcher’s eyes sparkled with fascination. Their common love for neuro was strong, but Amelia was glad to be able to share her other interests about the human body with her loved one.

She moved the diaphragm higher, on the opposite side of her sternum, and the second thoomp could be heard more clearly. The neuroscientist could also hear their partner’s breathing, which was steady and slow. They realized that she was making an effort of breathing a certain way so that Kai could hear her heartbeat better. After a while, they took the stethoscope out of their ears and leaned forward to kiss her deeply.

“Amelia, that’s amazing.”

“It is, right?” She was smiling vividly. “Bartley, why are you blushing so much?” she said in a laugh.

“I don’t know, it feels really intimate. Maybe it’s because it’s you. It’s weird to be so close to your heart” they admitted, their face felt warm indeed.

“I’m glad you like it. Wanna listen to yours?”

They nodded. Upon noticing that Kai wasn’t wearing anything underneath their tank top, she asked before taking it off. They gave her confirmation and helped her pass the item of clothing over their head.

They leaned down on the couch while Amelia got comfortable straddling their hips. She asked if she could touch their torso, and they said yes. They never thought consent could be so hot. They took the stethoscope in their hands again and brought it up to their ears, careful of putting in on the right way this time.

One of the neurosurgeon hands was sitting on their chest while the other brought the object’s diaphragm to their heart. The sounds their organ made were faster than Amelia’s, and somehow stronger. Probably because of the half-naked lady sitting on their lap and touching them. They listened for a while, closing their eyes in appreciation.

Finally, they took the ear pieces off and looked into her eyes.

“How is it?” she asked, visibly very excited.

“I understand why you like it so much. Wanna listen?”

“I know the sounds of your heartbeat better than my own, baby. I could recognize it anywhere, anytime” she whispered before kissing them gently.

They didn’t know if she was truthful or not. How different could people’s hearts possibly sound? Nonetheless, they were too busy smiling to question it. They kissed her back, their fingers landing on her hips. Kai was overly aware of the surgeon’s hands on their chest, but they breathed through it. They appreciated all of Amelia’s efforts to help them overcome their discomfort while always respecting their pace, and consent.

Finally, her hands left their torso to find the researcher’s long hair. The gap between their upper bodies was closed, the sensation of the surgeon’s warm skin against theirs burned like electricity. God how much they wanted her, all of her, right now. Still full of confidence from last night, they picked the woman up, supporting her under her thighs.

They brought her to the bedroom and laid her down onto the bed. The scientist’s hand found hers as they started kissing her neck as she tilted her head to give them more room.

“The way you punched that guy yesterday, that was freaking sexy” she said between two soft moans.

“Anything for my little lady.”

Kai’s lips made their way down her sternum, making a stop to suck softly at her nipple. The neurosurgeon arched her back into the touch, encouraging her partner’s actions. Meanwhile, their hands found the edge of her jeans and carefully unbuttoned them before guiding the fabric down her legs.

“Kai?”

“Yes baby?”

“Get the strap.”

Kai stood up, revealing a smile at the corners of their lips. The woman was lying on the bed, arms over her head wearing nothing but black panties and the chain they had gifted her. The silver metal was shining under the moonlight making its way through the window. Other than that, they were in complete darkness.

The neuroscientist took a step back, Amelia’s blue eyes captivated by the sight to them unbuckling and removing their belt. It fell onto the ground, quickly followed by their pants and boxers pooling at their feet.

They came back holding the harness, trying to figure out which way it went in the obscurity. Amelia laughed, just a little, before helping out her partner. Once the dildo safely secured onto Kai’s pelvis, she pushed them down on the bed and kneeled in front of them.

“What are you doing? You’re aware this is not an actual dick, right?” they joked, still kind of confused.

“Shut up, I read a study.” She was ginning conspicuously.

Kai had read that study too; the body transfer illusion. As curiosity took over, and so they spread their legs a little further to give her room, also giving her the go ahead.

She shot them a smile as her left hand sat on the base of the dildo. To Kai’s surprise, her free thumb came to find their slit. It followed the up and down movement of her hand on the strap, applying more pressure every time she passed by their clit. Their breathing grew heavier as the surgeon went. Amelia skilled hands never failed to surprise them.

Soon, her lips found the tip of the toy. She sucked softly, her tongue dragging under the dildo’s head. Her fingers worked simultaneously on their buddle of nerve, and Kai could swear they could feel her work around the strap going up their spine and straight to their brain. A hand found her hair to keep it off her face, which also gave Kai a good excuse to gain more control over their partner’s action.

They encouraged her head further down and she took it, working her way to take more and more of the toy’s length into her mouth. Kai watched with amazement upon discovering these skills for the first time. As pleasure filled their body, they became rougher and their moans grew louder. The room was filled by obscene sounds of pleasure and of Amelia’s work around the silicon object.

Their grip on Amelia’s hair tightened, which provoked a low moan to escape from her. She looked up at Kai, watching her attentively with round eyes as she took their dick to the base and into her throat. Some anxiety built up as they heard small gags coming out from the brunette and saw tears forming into her eyes, but her show of confidence quickly erased those feelings away. The neurosurgeon took a small break for air before going back down. She took a steady pace, using her coordination skills to motion her fingers alongside her mouth over the strap.

“Oh god Amelia don’t stop” they begged in a hoarse voice.

They couldn’t look away, each move felt like shocks of pleasure into their pelvis. They were out of breath just watching the neurosurgeon work. Soon, they orgasm took over, accompanied by an unexpected dizziness. Their grip locked on Amelia’s head while her fingers worked them through their pleasure, somewhere making them forget they weren’t actually cumming into her mouth. Small cries were still escaping their lips when they finally let her go. Upon reaching fresh air, she coughed a little and whipped away saliva from her face. Kai still felt lightheaded; their knees still shaking against their partner’s shoulders. A small hand came to rub their thigh in comfort as her head rested against the other. She watched with a contented smile the scientist come back from their pleasure.

It took a lot of deep breaths for them to calm down. It felt as if their heart was about to explode at any time. This gave time for Amelia to get back up and sit beside them, allowing them to lean in against her chest. An arm held up their head against her shoulder while her free hand was wiping out sweat from her partner’s face that they hadn’t even realize had formed.

“You know you were actually holding your breath with me? I got concerned, I thought you were gonna run out of air before I would” she laughed, gently running her fingers through their hair.

“Mirror neurons” they answered, lifting their head up again.

She nodded in agreement. “So, how did it feel?”

“Like, really good. And weirdly euphoric. Amelia, you’re a mess” they whispered as their hand came up to clean some tears off her face.

“That means I did a good job then.” She reached for her water bottle sitting on the nightstand.

“Does it hurt? Your throat.”

“Just sore. I know it’s an impressive sight but I’m fine. That’s just what having a normal gag reflex does” she joked, pausing a second to hydrate. Emphasize on the ‘normal’.

They then kissed her assertively, a hand coming to the side of her beautiful neck. A gesture of possession, not aggression. They pushed her down on the bed before getting back on their knees between her legs.

Anticipation washed over her as she felt Kai’s hand grabbing her ass, the other one leading the tip of the strap against her core, underwear pushed to the side. Carefully, they guided the toy to circle around her entrance, gathering some wetness and using it to apply small amounts of pressure on her clit. She was whining in frustration, arching her back, wishing for nothing but for Kai to commit to their intentions.

Then, they did. Kai’s dick slid into her causing a rough moan to escape her mouth. Her hands reaching to grab onto the sheets. She didn’t mind the small amount of pain; she needed more, which she voiced. Kai started thrusting deep into her, their caring and comforting nature allowing more place for that violence they had felt the night before. It felt good to be in a protective role for their loved one, freeing.

They helped their movements by grabbing her hips, their nails leaving red marks on her pale skin. The noises the woman let out were unholy. Coupled to the sounds of their hips meeting hers at each thrust, it felt dirty. Far from the slow and loving sex they were used to. Despite their exhilaration, they were careful in their movements, trying not to slam into their partner’s cervix and cause her too much pain. They knew they were pretty much playing jump rope with that line already.

“Kai. More. Please more” she cried, her grip onto the sheets tightening.

“Touch yourself for me baby.”

She tried, a shivering arm making its way between her legs. She was clearly struggling under the mix of exhaustion and pleasure. The view amused Kai a minute before they decided to help her. They leaned down and their hand made its way down her abdomen and found her clit. They drew tight circle over it, validated by how more vocal the neurosurgeon suddenly got. Her legs came to wrap around their back, her arms finding their shoulders.

The contact of their skin only added to her pleasure. At the feeling of their lips finding her neck, she pushed her head down onto the pillow. Each thrust of the strap felt rough, powerful, and that heat was building up fast in her pelvis, filling her brain. By that point, she was begging in incomplete sentences, her mind abandoning her as she got closer to the edge.

“Fuck, Kai please. Please.”

“Come for me, sweetie.”

It took a few more motions over her clit for the woman to fall apart. Her nails scratched into the researcher’s back and her legs clutched around their hips as the high filled her brain. The neuroscientist continued their ministrations over her clit, slowing down progressively while kissing her neck softly. They wished they could feel the contractions of her walls around their dick. Amelia’s pleasure could be sensed even in her fingertips, only feeling grounded by Kai’s body over her own.

She whined at the sensation of emptiness from her partner removing the toy from her, the last few waves of pleasure making her squirm. Her lower back muscles ached and she suddenly felt very cold. She craved for Kai to hold her, like they always did after sex.

“Kai?”

“Right here baby.”

They were taking the harness off and discarding it into the bathroom sink, from which they brought back a wet washcloth. With a lot of care, they helped a still wobbly Amelia wash the sweat off her face, neck and chest. Then, they worked on her inner thighs, which she aided by spreading her knees a further part. They cleaned her up, a loving hand running over her leg. Kai had always gone the extra mile to care for her after sex, especially after a long day. She looked into their green eyes, which appeared dark in the obscurity but still had that spark in them.

Even when Kai felt more masculine, it expressed in ways she was unused to. It was like a chaotic bubble of joy, which thrive to protect, to care and to love her. They treated her like a privilege. The violence they felt earlier was a feeling, not an action, which was smart and confident and horny. Never they mistook it for aggression. After washing out their own mess in the bathroom, the neuroscientist came back into bed and pulled a blanket over their bodies. They buried their face in her neck, their muscles aching still from all the previous action.

“It felt different tonight, good different” they whispered into her ear. “I really liked the idea you had earlier.”

They were a bit surprised at the realization that the surgeon had already fallen asleep, exhausted after a previously short night, and long day. Whatever energy was left Kai took from her.

“I got you” they whispered quietly into her ear before kissing her hair softly.

The neuroscientist made sure their girlfriend was well gone before getting back up. They threw on some clean underwear and one of Amelia’s oversize sweaters, which fit them like a regular sweater, before walking down to the living room’s window. There, they sat by the edge and lit up a cigarette, taking in the view of the city. It felt appropriate to the moment. Old habits die screaming, they guessed.

Chapter Text

Amelia was scrolling through Kai’s playlists on their phone when a notification popped up.

“Your sister wants you to know that she’ll be a bit late. It took a while to get the kids out of the house.”

“Not surprised” they answered with a grin. They couldn’t remember a single instance where their sister, Elise, actually showed up to anything on time.

While in search of a good album for the road, the neurosurgeon stumbled onto a playlist named ‘songs she likes’ in Kai’s library. She smiled at the realization, deciding that it must contain some good tunes for the ride.

“Do you need me to put on Waze?”

“Nah I got it. I grew up around here you know.”

The couple had rented a car after landing in Minnesota to cover the last few dozen miles separating them from Kai’s childhood home. As they got to the vehicle, the researcher instinctively took position behind the steering wheel, meaning that Amelia was on co-pilot duty. She took the job very seriously; being in charge of the music was no easy task when your partner was a rockstar.

It was also good distraction from the growing anxiety in her chest. She had never really been the kind of girl that one introduces to their family, so she was a bit surprised to have been invited to the Bartley’s easter family lunch. Kai was particularly excited for her to meet their sister, with whom they were apparently very close.

“Anything I should know before we arrive there?” asked the surgeon, her nervousness translating into her tone

“Well, let me see. My parents never met any of my ex-partners, so they’re probably going to make a big fuss around you being there. They’ll be fine with you being a woman, I think. They were kinda relieved when I came out as bisexual in high school and told them I was dating a girl, probably because of whole not-gonna-get-pregnant as a teenager part. Though my mom recently started to hint me towards dating a man to start a family, but if she does just throw pictures of Scout at her and that should calm things down” they explained, also attempting to make her laugh. Kai felt pretty nervous about the meeting as well, but also very driven by their need to show off the woman they loved.

“Got it. What’s the situation about you being non-binary though?”

“They… try? My mom got the ‘Kai’ thing down pretty well, but my dad keeps on calling me by my deadname. He feels that me changing my name was some kind of grand disrespectful act towards him for some reason, and that because he raised me, he’s got the right to call me by whatever he finds appropriate. Just try not to make a big deal out of it, I choose my battles and that’s not one I feel like fighting. Both are really struggling with my pronouns as well. My sister on the other side is great, she always take my side when I get into an argument with my dad. I bet you’ll like her.”

“I’m really glad you have her. And I have your back too, you know?”

“I know, but I’d really like to get through this with minimal incidents. I know they love me even if their views are a bit outdated. If it makes my dad feel like more a man to be openly transphobic than it’s not my issue.” Their head turned to glance at the neurosurgeon. She was fumbling with the edge of her dress. Though she looked distracted, Kai could tell she was listening very attentively. “My grandmother will probably be there too. She thinks ‘Kai’ is just a nickname. Just try not to hate me when I’ll introduce you to her as my friend. She’s not stupid, but we don’t just talk about that kind of stuff in my family. I know she loves me and has always been very proud and supportive of me and that’s what matters. I just don’t see the point of bothering her with things like that.”

The surgeon nodded, trying to imagine what Kai Bartley’s family looked like. She pictured them tall, rich and proper, and really hoped she would not feel too out of place sitting at their table. She figured alcohol might be involved at some point, and was preparing mentally for the embarrassing ‘nope sorry I don’t drink’ ritual dance around strangers. Still, she was excited to see where their loved one grew up.

The conversation helped her get a better idea of what the researcher’s family dynamic was. Amelia’s idea of family had long been strained by decades of fights and well, the whole drug addiction arc really didn’t help her feel at home with her sisters. Seeing them always felt like pouring acid into an open wound. But Kai’s family was like a cliché; perfect on the outside, but filled by tension and resentment of all the unsaid things on the inside. 

The neuroscientist placed their hand on their partner’s thigh as a sign of reassurance.

“I love you, and I’m sure they’ll love you too.”

To distract them, Kai turned up the volume of the car’s speakers and started singing along the lyrics. She quickly followed them with a smile. Of course Kai would have a whole playlist of songs Amelia loved, but would also listen to them and learn them to share those precious moments with her. That allowed her to relax a little. As long as they were there, she would be fine.

Kai warned Amelia that they were approaching their destination. Curious, she started looking at the rows of pretty suburban residences with their well-kept garden, wondering which one used to be their partner’s. This was obviously a pretty well-off neighborhood judging by the perfect lawns and alignments of expensive cars. Each house was prettier than the next.

Finally, the car stopped in front of a black gate. The researcher pulled their keys out of their pocket and pressed a button which caused it to open in a slow, smooth motion. The car engaged into the property, and Amelia watched with a confused expression the view that was unravelling.

Far into the distance she could see a large two-stories residence made out of bricks and white wooden panels. The whole thing was surrounded by trees. A grey lake could be seen from the road separating the gate to the house, though she couldn’t see the bounds of the property.

“Holy shit Kai, I thought your family was couch-in-the-middle-of-the-living-room rich. Not owning-a-lake-and-a-forest rich.”

“Technically, we don’t own the lake” they chuckled.

It wasn’t like Amelia wasn’t used to comfort and expensive homes. Honestly, as one of the foremost neurosurgeons in the country, she could probably make the whole property’s net worth in a year or two. But contrary to her sisters, she never felt the need to demonstrate her social class by luxury. This kind of opulence seemed excessive, and made her somewhat uneasy.

“Do you think I’m underdressed? Like is this too casual to meet your family?” she asked while glancing down as her dress.

It was of royal blue which complimented her eyes and centered around the waist. She picked it this morning over a dressier maroon dress as to guarantee comfort during their flight to Minnesota. The few extra hours of sleep are always welcome when your plane leaves at 5am sharp. But now she was questioning her decision, especially as she remembered that one picture in Kai’s photo album of the Bartleys all dressed up for Thanksgiving.

This caused the scientist to crackle out loud. They were wearing a black hoodie and a pair of light blue jeans alongside their cherished pair of Converse. If anyone looked underdressed, it was not Amelia.

“You’re fine, stop overthinking” they reassured her as they parked the car. They then pointed at a black SUV standing ahead. “Looks like my sister has arrived too. C’mon. We can leave the suitcases in the trunk. If we’re lucky, my mom won’t even ask if we need to spend the night here and we can find ourselves a nice hotel far away from the chaos.”

“I wouldn’t mind spending the night in your teenage bedroom” she answered with a grin.

“You’re funny thinking she won’t prepare the guest room just for you.”

“What, she’s scared we’re gonna have sex or something?”

“We’re not married honey, it’s improper” they joked back, only now realizing that the topic of a wedding might be brought on the table sooner or later. They could not dread this conversation more if they tried.

Finally, the couple stepped out of the vehicle and headed to the front door. As Amelia was about to knock, Kai grabbed her wrist.

“Wait” they exclaimed before leaning down to kiss her deeply. “Ok now I’m ready. God knows when’s the next time I’ll be able to do that.”

This caused the neurosurgeon to smile before ultimately knocking on the giant hardwood door. Almost immediately, two sets of running footsteps rushed in their direction from inside the house. A young boy and a younger girl opened the door, smiling vividly.

“Hi Kai! Mom’s in the living room with grandpa and grandma. Who’s that?” asked the boy while designating at Amelia.

“That’s my girlfriend, Amelia Shepherd.”

“Hi Amelia” said the little girl in a shy tone. Still, the took the woman’s hand and guided the couple inside.

“You’ve got a girlfriend??”

“Shh, inside voice buddy” answered the researcher. But the surgeon couldn’t help but notice a proud expression in their eyes.

A woman not much taller than Amelia appeared behind them. Her hair was neatly done in a bun and she was wearing a very professional-looking black dress split at the thigh. She smiled warmly upon meeting the other woman’s gaze.

“So this must be Amelia! It’s so nice to finally meet you, Kai cannot shut up about you!” she said as she shook the surgeon’s hand. She then shot a teasing look at her sibling. “Oh my god don’t let dad catch you wearing that” she joked, pointing at the black hoodie.

“Amelia, this is my big sister Elise. Elise, this is Dr. Amelia Shepherd” they announced as they took off their hoodie, revealing a white shirt underneath.

“Look at you already showing off your surgeon girlfriend. But really, it’s a pleasure to meet you sweetie.”

“Same” mumbled Amelia, a bit surprised at the sudden nickname.

Kai hugged their sister and they started walking towards the previously mentioned living room. This caused the surgeon to lift an eyebrow as this was apparently not a shoes-off household like she was used to. Still, she went with it.

They passed a high wooden archway on their way and Amelia quickly scanned the room. Two couches were facing one another in front of an unlit fireplace, none of them against a wall. A blond woman, probably in her sixties, was sitting on one of them. She seemed to be in the middle of a conversation with a girl who looked older than the two children who greeted the couple. Elise took place on the opposite couch next to who Amelia supposed was Kai’s dad; an old-looking man with whitening hair and a moustache reading a book. Amelia stood in the entrance for a second, noticing just how similar the man and her partner looked in their features.

That’s when Kai’s arm wrapped around her shoulder.

“Mom, dad, this is my partner, Dr. Amelia Shepherd” they said. She noticed how Kai once again played the doctor card to their family, but this time with a much more serious tone. “Amelia, this is my mom Mary, my dad… Christopher… and the kids are Louise, Ben and Olivia. And you’ve already met Elise.”

Amelia’s head snapped in their direction. Christopher? She tried to keep her expression neutral but this definitely seemed like a detail worth mentioning ahead.

Kai’s mom came up to greet her while the man barely looked up from their book.

“It’s so nice to meet you Dr. Shepherd. I’ve been begging Kai for an introduction for the longest time” she explained in a warm tone as she then turned to greet her kid.

“Oh please call me Amelia. Your home is lovely, thank you for the invitation” she answered with a soft, polite smile.

“Nice of you to finally come visit deadname.”

And that’s when Amelia heard it. It was hardly missable by the way the man accentuated the word, and she felt Kai freeze up behind her upon hearing their dad’s sentence. Just for a second, Amelia thought about saying something, but their hand grabbed hers and squeezed gently. ‘Don’t.’ it meant. So, she let it go, and focused on remaining composed despite the shock. She couldn’t believe how casually disrespectful that man had just been to his child, and how nobody did so much as to correct him. Thankfully, Elise broke the unbearable silence that had settled.

“Okay, grandma should be here any second. Louise, can you get your brother and get the table ready for eight please?”

The girl nodded before exiting the room, visibly relieved to have been given an out. Meanwhile Kai was making small talk with their mother in the living room’s entrance, and Amelia didn’t quite know what to do with herself in that moment. Fortunately, Elise came to the rescue once again by tapping the free space next to her on the couch, inviting her to come closer.

“So, you’re a neurosurgeon, right?” she said once the other woman settled next to her, and loud enough for her dad to hear.

“That’s right. I currently work at Grey-Sloan Memorial in Seattle, but Kai and I met when I’ve been called to be co-investigator on the Parkinson’s research they’ve been working on.”

“Oh!” exclaimed her mom upon hearing the surgeon’s words. “Well I remember when Kai was still in college, sh-.. they would’ve made for a wonderful medical doctor I kept telling them.”

“Mom, please” they said with a smile. “You get to tell your friends that your child is a medical researcher that works on cures for uncurable neurodegenerative diseases, it doesn’t get braggier than this.”

“Well deadname it wouldn’t have killed you to pursue a reel career in medicine to cure actually curable diseases” the man said, finally looking up from his book.

“I have a real career-“

“Okay! Kai why don’t come help us in the kitchen please” interrupted Elise as she grabbed Amelia’s arm to drag her along.

The researcher mouthed a ‘thank you’ before following their sister. The last thing their heard before exiting was their dad’s loud sigh.

From the kitchen, they had a great view on the back of the Bartleys’ property. Children were playing in the backyard, overlooked by their older sister sitting by a swing set with her phone. A long wooden table stood on a deck large enough to accommodate a great amount of furniture and it even held a sun room on the side. The garden was surrounded by the woods which allowed for an opening towards the lake. Though it didn’t matter in that moment, Amelia had a great number of things she needed to say.

“You didn’t think to mention that your dad’s name was Christopher? Not even once?”

“I’m so sorry Amelia, I wanted to tell you but I forgot.”

She took a deep breath, tilting her head down.

“Do you guys need a drink?” asked Elise with a comforting smile.

“No thanks, I don’t drink” she answered, though she was very tempted to say yes in that moment.

“You won’t make it through the meal without alcohol I promise you” she joked, and Amelia really wished she was wrong. She then noticed the ‘cut it off’ expression on Kai’s face. “Oh sorry I didn’t mean harm. It’ll get better once Grams gets here, I promise. Dad won’t dare talk shit about Kai in her presence, they have always been her favorite.”

“I am not.” They were blushing at the comment.

“Sure, Dr. Bartley, the big shot scientist who spent the last two years looking for a cure for her disease.”

This made Amelia snap out of her thoughts and look up at her partner.

“You didn’t tell me that either.”

“Gotta keep the mystery alive” they said in a sarcastic tone that Amelia had never heard before, clearly embarrassed.

“Don’t worry kiddo. If dad keeps on giving you shit about your pronouns, I’ll tell the family about my divorce to distract them.”

“You’re a good sister, Elise.”

“Oh, I’m sorry about your divorce” replied Amelia.

“Thanks but don’t be. Trust me, this for the best” she said with a smile before leaving the kitchen with two open wine bottles and glasses for the table.

Kai took opportunity of the moment of privacy to embrace their partner. “I’m sorry, I know it’s a lot.”

“If you need a drink I understand. You don’t have to stay sober in solidarity. It’s my sobriety, not yours. As long as I don’t have to taste it on your lips later.”

“No, I won’t drink today. What about weed though?”

She laughed. Kai always knew how to make her relax.

“Unfortunately, weed is not recommended either” she answered with a smile

“What if I showed you to my bedroom then? I know you wanted to see it, and I reckon we still have a few minutes before my grandmother gets there” they proposed before kissing her gently.

“Sure, that seems like a great idea.”

Kai took her hand and lead her to a staircase near the front door. But as they were about to head up, the sound of keys was heard behind them. A tiny old woman walked through the door, closing it gently behind her.

“Hey Grams” said Kai, releasing their partner’s hand before heading towards the doorway.

“Hello sweetie, it’s nice to see you. Oh my, are you still growing?” she laughed. Kai leaned down to kiss her cheek.

They then turned to their partner. “And this is Amelia Shepherd.”

“Hello Mrs. Bartley”

“Oh, please honey call me Betty, or Grams, as you prefer.” She had a smile that could light up a whole room, warm and welcoming. The polar opposite of her son. Amelia noticed that Elise and the woman looked a lot alike, if it wasn’t for the white curls that framed her face.

“Hello Betty.” It was Kai’s mom who had just made an appearance behind the group. “I’ll call the kids, lunch is ready on the table.”

“Did the easter bunny make a stop at your house this year?” she asked with a grin, which was met by one of Mary’s.

“He has. I think the kids already had their first hunt at Elise’s house, and there’s another one planned here after lunch.”

“Glorious.” She then took Kai’s arm and the group migrated outside, to the table waiting for them on the deck.

It took all but a few short minutes for Amelia to be in awe of the unmeasurable love that radiated from the woman. Everything from her tenderness toward her daughter-in-law to her attention for her great-grandkids not to mention her instant hospitability for the surgeon painted her as a heartly person. She could even pick it up in her attitude around Kai. She might not know or understand everything, but her attitude translated great love for researcher.

As they got to the table, Kai made sure to point Amelia to her sit next to them. Elise sat by her other side, discreetly placing a supportive hand on the surgeon’s forearm.

“Just so you know, Kai constantly talks my ear off about you and your son. And I like you. So if anything goes sideway, I’ll be your ally” she told her with a supportive smile.

“I’m gonna need you to tell me all about how Kai was as a kid.”

“I’m your gal.” And the two women exchanged a complicit look.

To Amelia’s surprise, Betty took place at the end of the table where she would have expected Kai’s dad. That also made her feel more at ease, for some reason. She didn’t fear him as much when she was around. Plus, she immediately took lead of the conversation.

Elise’s kids, from the other side of the table, were very much a part of the discussion. Just by how well-spoken they were for their age, Amelia could guess that smart genes ran in the family. Louise in particular seemed to have a strong interest for sciences and didn’t hesitate to ask Kai all kinds of questions which they answered, very proud to be able to demonstrate their expertise.

As the main course arrived to the table, Grams finally asked the dreaded question.

“What about you honey?” she said at Kai’s attention. “You’re so good with kids, when are you going to settle down and start your own family?”

Amelia cut them before they could answer.

“Actually, Kai is great with my son, Scout. He’s three years old and always so happy to see them.”

“Oh, you already have a son, Amelia?” asked Kai’s mom, suddenly very interested.

“Please don’t make me beg you for pictures” exclaimed the grandmother.

And so, the surgeon took out her phone and passed it around the table, allowing the family to look into Scout’s dedicated photo album.

“He’s the absolute cutest. The blond hair is from his father I suppose?” asked Mary. “It’s a shame you didn’t bring him along for the hunt today. Especially considering you live in the city.”

“No idea where the blond came from” she laughed, always so happy to discuss her son. “But yeah, he’s with his dad today. His partner is a colleague of mine at the hospital and she has a daughter of her own around the same age. I believe they brought the kids over at their grandparents’ for the easter egg hunt this year. Otherwise we usually organize one for the kids on the pediatrics floor so they don’t miss out on it.”

Kai placed a hand on their girlfriend’s thigh as a sign of gratefulness, which Amelia barely acknowledge at the sight of Kai’s mom picking up a bottle of wine and starting to serve everyone a glass. She didn’t ask before presenting Amelia with her own, which she politely accepted before glancing at her partner. They had a silent conversation, which ended by Kai leaning by her ear to whisper ‘if they ask, we can always say you’re pregnant’. She attempted to hide her chuckle.

“Well, you two are obviously very close” interrupted Betty with a smile. “Have you two been friends for long?”

“Almost two years now” answered Kai. “We met for work at Mayo, but we get to see each other a lot more often now that I live in Seattle. Amelia actually helped me move into my new place and introduced me to many of her friends, so she’s the one to thank for making the move so easy.”

“Well I’m glad you have that kind of people in your life honey. It’s important” she answered, placing her hand on Kai’s.

They were still holding their own glass of wine in their other hand, looking over at their partner. Amelia nodded as a signal that it was okay for them to drink it, and they took a sip. She didn’t know if they had a plan to help her hide her sobriety. Leaving the glass full for the entirety of the meal just seemed rude. But her interrogation was interrupted at the realization that her own glass was empty.

She shot a look at Elise by her side whose glass was now full. When their eyes met, she winked at the surgeon without a word and dove back into the conversation. It was unclear if Kai had mentioned the reasons of her sobriety to their sister before, but in that moment, she wasn’t anything but grateful. She then made sure to compliment Mary on the food.

“Oh, actually all of this is Christopher’s work. I only took care of the dessert.”

It took a moment for the surgeon to recompose herself. Hearing that name never felt natural anymore, but she made a point of keeping it to herself. Politely, she re-orientated the compliment.

“Thank you, Amelia. If you need the recipe, just ask Grams over here. She taught me everything I know.”

The neurosurgeon was a bit taken back by the sudden politeness of the man who hadn’t said much since the meal had started. She wondered if this behavior was consequence of his mother being present. As Mary started serving more wine, she found a good excuse of needing to drive later to avoid being served another glass.

“Oh, come on honey, don’t be ridiculous. Kai, do you really intend to make your friend sleep at a hotel rather than at home?” she stated while pouring Amelia another drink.

“I thought we would both be sleeping at a hotel by the State Park, maybe go on a hike before we have to catch our plane later in the afternoon” they answered while casually cleaning their plate with a piece of bread.

That was a lie if Amelia ever saw one. Not only did their plane not leave until the day after tomorrow, but Kai had also clearly stated their intend of making her visit their home town and all the places they used to go to growing up.

“Do not even try to negotiate with me on this. We barely get to see you nowadays as it is!”

Kai glanced at Amelia, but she lacked an answer. She allowed them to make the call.

“Yeah, okay, sure” they finally answered with a small smile.

The neurosurgeon noticed that Betty’s hand was still firmly holding onto Kai’s, and deduced that she had influenced the decision. It was true that on most days, the researcher missed their family, especially their sister and grandmother. So, she was glad for them to have a chance to catch up. Apart from the few comments from their dad, Kai’s family has been nothing but welcoming since the couple had arrived, and she could tell they were close.

“Great, I’ll prepare the guest room!” exclaimed Mary.

“Don’t bother, mom. Amelia and I can share my bed, that’s fine.”

“But-“

“Mom, please. It’s fine.”

The woman just nodded, glancing quickly at Grams who did a really great job at pretending she hadn’t heard anything. ‘Oh, she absolutely knows’ figured Amelia, an amused expression pending off her lips.

Her stare stumbled over her glass, which she found empty, again. She looked in Elise’s direction only to find her absent; she had left the table alongside her children to prepare for the egg hunt. As she then looked over at Kai, she found her partner’s cheeks to be unusually red. This caused a laugh to get out of her throat, it was true that she had never saw them tipsy before. This must have been their third drink of the hour, and the effects were definitely starting to show.

She allowed a hand to slip over to their thigh to catch their attention, and found their gaze to linger over her lips a little longer than what would have been acceptable. They exchanged a look and Kai smiled more honestly than she had seen them smile all day. The neurosurgeon could sometimes get uncomfortable around drunk people but in that moment, she only felt affection for her partner.

The group ate their dessert while the children scattered through the garden, each with their own tiny woven basket. As Amelia watched them discover chocolate egg after chocolate egg, she kind of wished she would have been able to benefit from the little treats as well. Her own plate contained a piece of coffee flavored cake which she found a bit too adult for her taste. Still, she appreciated the efforts that Kai’s mom had put into it as she was obviously a very good baker.

Then, Betty got up and excused herself to the bathroom. When she passed behind Amelia, the surgeon felt something slip into her dress’s pocket. She reached into it to find a small piece of chocolate shaped like a bunny. Decidedly, was there anything that escaped that woman’s awareness? She could see quite clearly where Kai inherited their attention for details.

“Kai, honey, can you help me clear the table and make some coffee please?” asked Mary, also rising from her seat.

“Oh, let me help” proposed Amelia, rapidly shut down by the other woman.

“Nonsense Amelia, you’re our guest. Stay right where you are. We’ll be right back.”

It took Kai’s panicked stare for her to understand that it meant she was about to spend a few minutes at the table with their father, alone. The both of them sat there in an uncomfortable silence. The seconds seemed to be stretching into hours. For a moment, she considered taking out her phone, or getting up to join Elise in the garden with her children. That second option seemed less impolite, but as she was about to get up, a voice interrupted her.

“Dr. Shepherd, pardon me asking but would you happen to be pregnant?”

She looked up at the man, staring straight at her. His eyes were of a deep green, darker than her partner’s but definitely very familiar. A few long seconds passed before she finally managed to gather her words.

“Euhm, no. No I’m not. Sorry, what is this about?”

“I couldn’t help but notice about the wine. My children are not as discreet as they think they are” he answered, sipping his own glass. “Was it not up to your standards?”

Not able to differentiate if the question was a joke or not, she felt her fight or flight kick in.

“No! Of course not, I just don’t drink. Sorry I didn’t mean to be rude.”

The man just nodded, and silence settled in once again. Amelia wondered if she should say something about Kai. Maybe a compliment over how well they were raised? Or even kick in a conversation about their pronouns? But their father outpaced her.

“I know my kid and I have our different, but that doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. I can see that you make my little girl happy. I haven’t seen her like that since she was in middle school, winning medal after medal for her swim team at all sorts of competitions I could not keep track of. I was very busy with work, you must know.”

The only thing Amelia could focus on was how wrong those words sounded in the man’s mouth. All those excuses. He might have known Kai back then, but they definitely did not know them for who they were now. Her blood was boiling with the need to correct him. Her nails scratched into her arm in an attempt to remain composed.

“Then slowly she started pushing us away. Her mother and I were never invited to her music things, or her even her graduation. Imagine how worried that got us. I was starting to get afraid that this attitude of hers would lead her to a very lonely life, especially considering the rather radical decision she made about herself a few years back. So you can imagine how grateful I am of your presence today. I do look forward to meeting your son, someday. You seem like a great mother to him.”

That’s when Amelia heard it. That tone she would use to hide her relapses, reassure everyone that she was fine when she really wasn’t. The lies told so casually that they wouldn’t be too questioned, with enough truth in them to hide the parts that were not. Make it plausible, make it vulnerable, a sentence that someone with something to hide surely wouldn’t say. Get them on your side, feign enough accountability to not be the blame, but the victim. Gaslight them if you have to.

And she wouldn’t let it slide.

“My son calls them Kai. They might not be his parent but they love him, so much. Kai loves, and they care, and they protect and trust. And I’m so sorry your ego blinded you so much as to lose that privilege.”

The sound of a plate breaking and a gasp took her out of her soliloquy. Her head snapped towards the kitchen window, and her face turned pale upon the realization that it was open. Mary was looking right at her, mouth left hanging mid-open. Kai was standing behind her, looking like they had just seen a ghost.

A voice came from the garden.

“Is now a good time to mention I’m getting a divorce?”

Chapter Text

“It really wasn’t that bad” said Elise, a reassuring hand coming to rest on the surgeon’s shoulder.

The both of them were sitting on Kai’s bed, in their childhood bedroom. They could hear yelling downstairs. Amelia was holding a small shark plushie in her hands which she had found lodged between the pillows. The surrounding alcohol, the lies, the disrespect, it had all gotten up to her head, and she was hating herself for not having been able to shut up. Kai’s only asked was for this to go smoothly, and she couldn’t even give them that.

When Christopher started calling her out on her attitude, her partner stepped up to defend her. It seemed as this small spark of rebellion against the man’s behavior led to a whole explosion. She figured this was the reason as to no one dared calling him out on his conduct. Each family member knew that ignoring the several conflicts was the only way for them to get through the meal undisturbed, and Amelia’s presence had thrown it all into the flames.

Kai was brave. Maybe even more so after a few drinks. They had jumped right between Amelia and their father. They defended her, took her side, even dared calling him out on the lies he had built to protect his own self-image. ‘You cannot keep living in this world of your own imagination where you never did anything wrong, and are never the one to blame’ they said as Elise escorted Amelia out of the situation.

“Thank you for earlier. I’m sorry we didn’t get the chance to properly get to know each other before I destroyed your family” the surgeon announced, walls of irony surrounding her for protection again.

“Ah, don’t worry about that. In this house we call it a Tuesday. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I can’t believe you threw your divorce in there.”

“It was my pleasure. You may not realize it, but little Kai over there is currently holding the fort for the both of us. Otherwise, I would for sure be getting a lecture on the importance of making a promise in front of God” answered Elise with a forced smile.

Amelia looked around at the unfamiliar room. Walls were lined up with shelves presenting trophies and medals from all sorts of Kai’s childhood achievements. Amelia couldn’t help but notice the great number of essays and other books on gender studies. Most of them were published quite recently so she guessed Kai had placed them there intentionally while visiting over the years. For their mom, probably. Stars stickers covered the ceiling, and she could see her partner’s nerdy side showing off as she recognized a few constellations.

“Little Kai?” she laughed.

“They might be really tall, but they’ll always be my little kid sibling” she answered with a small smile.

“Tell me about that. About how Kai was as a kid. I don’t mean the formalities like being on the swim team or winning the spelling bee, I’m interested in them from your point of view.”

The other woman took a second to think before answering.

“Actually, they haven’t changed much. They always had this really serious look to them that might’ve led some people to think they were just shy, but really, they were the total opposite. They were brave and loud about their opinions, always standing out for me when I couldn’t do that for myself. If they wanted something, they were unstoppable.” explained Elise, nostalgia washing over her face. She looked up at Amelia who recognized that same expression of vulnerability she sometimes saw on her partner. “Their teenage years in particular were rough on the family. Once they stole my car and ran away for a week with a girl. Their favorite band was doing a show in Iowa but our parents wouldn’t let them go, so they just got up in the middle of the night and left.”

“There’s no way” she said while containing a laugh. Well, in all fairness Kai was the kind of person ready to move halfway through the country just because they wanted to, maybe to another continent if given the opportunity.

“That never stopped them from being serious about school. I think most people found them to be kind of a science nerd, but they had this really solid group of friends they grew up with. Kai was especially close to this one girl they met as a freshman, she practically lived here with us for a while. Took me years to figure out they were dating at the time. We kind of grew apart after that, I wasn’t the one they came to with secrets anymore. We reconnected after I got married.”

“To that one guy you’re divorcing?”

“That’s right. Mike. They knew right away he wasn’t the right fit for me, still took me ten years to figure it out for myself.”

“I’m glad you did.”

Kai was right about their sister, the two women did have a lot in common. Like Amelia, Elise was familiar with a life of raw chaos and used humor to get around, but she did share that instinct for protectiveness with her sibling.

“You might wanna slip that in your bag before you go” said Elise while designating the shark plush. “Kai wouldn’t be caught dead sleeping with a stuffed animal in their thirties, but I know they miss it. Maybe if it came from you, they wouldn’t feel so embarrassed by the idea.”

The surgeon smiled as an answer, she liked the idea. She’s been meaning to find ways to encourage Kai’s soft side a bit more around her.

By that point the yelling had stopped, and the two figured that it was safe to join Kai downstairs. Elise took Amelia’s hand and carefully opened the door before guiding her though the hallway and into the staircase. They crossed the path of numerous paintings on the way, some of them signed ‘Elise’, and the neurosurgeon made a mental note to ask about it later. They passed by the children quietly reading in the living room, and Amelia felt pity at how calm they were being acting. She knew all too well the realities of a dysfunctional family, and wished they didn’t have to grow up thinking this was just a regular Tuesday, in Elise’s words.

When they finally reached the backyard, Betty was sitting between her son and grandkid. Her face was firm, serious, quite distanced from the warm smiles she offered everybody only a few hours before.

“Honey, you can go now. I have to talk with your father. Your friend is waiting for you” ordered the grandmother, using that calm but strict voice Amelia sometimes used with Scout. She was parenting right now, the only difference residing in the fact that her son was well into his sixties.

“But-“

“No buts, sweetie. It’s about time we have a discussion the both of us. Alone.”

The man was pale, like a kid caught eating candy in the kitchen past bedtime. Kai looked shocked too, which was unsettling. Even in their messiest moments, the researcher always presented calmly, facing every issue with a clear mind. Eventually, they turned to Amelia but avoiding eye contact.

“We’re leaving” they announced with a hoarse voice from all the yelling as they walked past the surgeon. She couldn’t tell if they were angrier about her or their father.

Still, they hugged Elise before walking back into the house. Amelia hesitated to follow, unsure if she should say something before going. Kai’s mother avoided her stare, so she went to Elise for guidance.

“Give me your phone” asked the woman, and Amelia handed it to her. “This is my number, so you can text me later. Take care of them for me. They’ll talk, eventually.”

Amelia nodded and offered a ‘thank you’ before following her partner into the house. She found them by the entryway, putting their hoodie back on. Her chest ached a little from Kai barely acknowledging her presence by their side. As the researcher retrieved the car keys from their pocket, she finally interrupted them.

“You drank, let me drive.”

“Ok.”

They handed her the keys and she shivered at the feeling of their fingers brushing against her palm. They might be mad at her, but at the least she still had their trust. The neurosurgeon always had a hard time navigating conflict with the ones she truly cared about. Even as she felt so secure in their relationship, she couldn’t get the fear of abandonment out of her mind. The scientist rarely asked for things and she was perfectly aware of how special it was for Kai to present her to their family. Somewhere deep within her, she feared she might have ruined everything, again, so a gesture as small as trusting her to drive was reassuring. Something to cling to.

“Where are we going?” she asked as she turned on the engine, suddenly very aware that she knew nothing of the area.

Kai was settling into the passenger seat, hood pulled over their head for comfort. Amelia’s heart sank a little at the view. This was something Kai only did when they felt anxious.

“Follow the lake on the left.”

So she did. She turned left at the gate and followed a long road circling the lake. As the view unfolded in front of her eyes, she felt pretty amazed at how big it was. When they had arrived earlier, the water reflected the light gray color of the clouds, but it had since turned to a confident light blue characteristic of early springs. It served as a small distraction from the silence that had filled the car. Their joyful singing of this morning was long gone.

She tried to keep her breathing steady as her own anxiety grew louder. Overwhelmed by the situation around the lunch table, she failed to realize that Kai might have been in need of protecting too. She froze again when they needed her most. When the fight erupted, she felt paralyzed as she heard the man call Kai these awful names. She barely flinched as they attacked everything they cared about, trying to find what could hurt them the most. It felt as watching the scene from outside of her own body, astonished that a father could even dare speak that way to their own kid, and she felt the need to hug her own kid just by hearing him scream. Despite how much she wanted to talk, needed to talk, there wasn’t space for her feelings right now. This was not about Amelia.

Ultimately, Kai pointed her to a dirt path diverting from the main road. She followed it for a while only to find a dead end ahead; a little spot enclosed by trees just a short distance away from the lake sitting on the side. She parked before turning to her partner for answers on their location, who was already unbuckling their seat belt and about to head out. She followed. As her heels touched the ground, she decided that she was definitely not dressed appropriately for the situation. She only hoped Kai did not still held onto the idea of a hike.

But her partner was already two steps ahead. They called out for her from the back of the car, leaning over the open trunk. Kai was digging into their suitcase, seemingly frustrated as they couldn’t find what they were looking for. She slowly extended an arm to reach her partner’s and catch their attention, immediately feeling more at ease upon meeting her favorite pair of greens. Kai seemed agitated, tired, but they were looking at her.

“Are you angry?”

“I just need a minute” they spoke quietly, their gaze turning to the suitcase again.

“I’m so sorry. I should’ve been there for you, and none of this should’ve happened in the first place. The only thing you asked for was for this to go smoothly and I just ruined it.”

Kai stopped upon hearing the surgeon talk and turned to face her, their eyebrows relaxing as they realized what was happening.

“Amelia…”

“I really didn’t-“

“Amelia. I’m not mad at you. Of course I’m not mad at you.” They pulled her close into their arms and she melted into the touch, relief washing over every muscle in her body. “None of this was your fault, the blame is on my dad only. We’ll talk later. C’mon let’s get you changed, you can’t go swimming in that.”

“Wait, you wanna go swimming?” she laughed, surprised but also really happy to hear her loved one talk again. Her hands ran up Kai’s torso, then their neck and to cup their face, and she pushed the hood off of their head.

“Okay, you don’t have to. The water’s still really cold this time of the year. But I find it grounding. And I really need that right now.”

“I don’t think you’re gonna find swimming suits in there, we packed for a trip to Minnesota in April, not Hawaii.”

“Well, underwear it is. I’ll carry you, there’s no way you’ll be able to walk to my spot in those shoes.”

They closed the trunk and turned their back to Amelia, leaning down and inviting her to climb. Her arms wrapped around their shoulders as their hands found the back of her knees, lifting her off the ground with ease. The silence that settled in as they walked to Kai’s spot wasn’t as heavy anymore.

They reached a small pebble beach surrounded by tall bushes and trees. A small deck lined the side. It was quiet, hidden, private. Amelia imagined Kai going there as a teenager to get away from his dad, maybe hang out with that one girl from their freshman year. That got her curious about Kai’s childhood in Minnesota, as they never mentioned a high school girlfriend before. She pictured them going on dates at the local dinner, sharing fries before bringing her here to watch the sunset. She wondered if then, they would reach for their guitar to sing her the songs they wrote especially for her, in secret, long before their rockstar days. She would’ve been their very first fan.

“Is that where you bring all your girlfriends? This sure seems like a nice excuse to see them in their underwear.”

Kai laughed softly. How she missed that laugh.

“Actually, you’re the first one I bring here” they announced to her surprise. Seeing how beautiful the place was, she had a hard time believing the researcher, but a certain pride emerged in her chest as she heard those words.

“I’m honored.”

They carefully let her down onto the ground, and Amelia quickly discarded her shoes. The lake was calm, inviting. Amelia leaned over the water, admiring its transparency. She then turned away from their partner.

“Help me with the zipper?” she requested, a playful smile settling in the corners of her lips.

“You’re sure you wanna come into the water with me? It’s gonna be freezing.”

“I don’t mind.”

Kai chuckled, clearly the neurosurgeon didn’t know what was waiting for her. She might be used to the chillness of an OR, but going for a swim in a lake one could’ve gone ice skating on only two months prior was on another level. Still, Kai helped her, maybe anticipating her reaction a little.

The dress slid off her shoulders and dropped to her feet, which made Kai realized that their partner wasn’t wearing a bra. She reassured them that it was just the way some of these dresses where built, but still, it felt a little dirty for some reason. They then stripped themselves of most of their own clothes, including their binder, before taking the surgeon’s hand and guiding her to the lake.

Kai laughed upon hearing the high-pitched noised coming out of their partner as her feet met the water. Seeing how shallow it was, and they still had quite the distance to make before being able to actually swim in it. For a moment, Kai wondered if Amelia was going to change her mind, but she breathed through it and never let go of Kai’s hand. She followed them as they progressed towards the deeper parts, eyes wide at their lack of reaction faced to the biting cold.

“I understand a lot better why your place is always chilly. You just grew up in a freezer.”

“You’re only realizing it now?” they mocked, visibly amused by the situation.

As the water reached their hips, Amelia grew hesitant to keep walking. Sharp shocks of frost seemed to climb up her spine and into her brain. Kai could’ve given her time to adjust, but they had other plans. Their hand left hers and their arms circled her sides before kissing her deeply. The contact of their warm skin against hers was welcome, while it lasted.  

“I’m sorry” they said as they caught her gaze.

“What?”

Then, Kai’s grip around her back tightened. They leaned back, allowing their weight to precipitate both of their bodies into the water in a loud splashing noise. It took a second for Amelia to realize what was happening and to pull herself over the surface again. She looked around for her partner, and worry replaced annoyance as they were nowhere to be found.

“Kai?”

Suddenly, she yelped as she felt a hand grab her knee from underwater, and Kai soon emerged next to her. They pushed the hair off of their face, revealing a radiant smile.

“Doesn’t this feel good?”

The surgeon did feel refreshed. She could see what Kai meant by the cold water feeling grounding. Once all of the pesters of the chillness gone, it appears as if her body was one with the lake. It reminded you that you existed outside of your flesh.

“Yeah” she answered, her breath cut short by the cold.  

“C’mon, I’ll race you to that pole over there” they shot at the surgeon while pointing at a nearby piece of wood sticking straight out of the water.

She splashed them with water before pushing on her feet to give herself some momentum. Amelia knew she wasn’t going to win this, but she never backed out of a good challenge.

Kai proved her right by swiftly overtaking her in a smooth crawl. Meanwhile, Amelia was barely getting by on memories of the good old breaststroke leftover from middle school swimming lessons. She got to the pole several seconds after Kai, who welcome her there with open arms. She held onto their shoulders as her feet didn’t quite reach the ground anymore.

“That’s hot” she remarked with a smirk. “You should’ve taken me swimming sooner.”

Upon noticing how shivering their partner was, the researcher pulled her closer against their torso and the couple shared a kiss. Kai surprised Amelia inspecting the shore, looking for any ways someone could see them from the land. Minnesota was overall a pretty safe state for gay couples, but showing affection to Kai in unknown public spaces was something she still felt hesitant to do sometimes. And it didn’t help that their chests were very bare in broad daylight. Holding your partner’s hand in the street and making out naked in the wild were very different things.

“Don’t worry, nobody will see us” they reassured her. “Right now, you’re all mine.”

---

Getting out of the water was no easy task. Somehow, the air felt colder than the water, and it didn’t help that none of them thought to bring towels. Amelia sat on the deck, an arm covering her chest as Kai went to grab their clothes. They handed their hoodie to her.

“Thanks” she said as she passed the it over her head. She didn’t feel any warmer, but at least it stopped the soft breeze from attacking her. “You really are at home when you’re swimming, aren’t you?”

Kai then sat by her side, wearing their now soaked shirt unbuttoned over their shoulders.

“It feels right, like my body stops existing to fuse with the water. Maybe it’s the weightlessness, but it’s like everything that has been bothering me suddenly goes away.”

Amelia’s fingers traced over the white scars on her partner’s thigh. Now that she had just experienced this moment with Kai, the story they had once told her about them quitting the swimming team took a whole other meaning. It was not about Kai hiding anymore, but them choosing to leave the only thing that made them happy to protect the only thing that made them feel good, no matter how self-destructing. Maybe another person wouldn’t have understood, but Amelia did. She never really saw self-harm as a form of addiction before. She knew it was, and showed the compassion it demanded, but knowing and understanding are different things. And know, she understood.

“What did you say to your dad earlier?”

“Everything. It felt terrifying, but also, I don’t care. They spent most of my teenage years calling me crazy for… well, that” they told while gesturing at their scars. “and then most of my adult life blaming me for everything that was wrong with our family. My mom’s sister is a lesbian, so he would have never dare being homophobic to me in front of her, but I knew that it always bothered him. I know I’m his disappointment, but I’ve long grieved the idea of having a good relationship with him. The only reason I’m tolerating it is because I love my mom, and my grandma, and I’m really glad you got to meet them” they simply answered while looking at the horizon. A few birds were gliding on the water, far into the distance. “What about you, what did you and my sister talked about?”

“Well, you, mostly. You never told me you ran away to Iowa with a girl?”

Kai laughed softly. “He’s not a girl, actually. He came out as trans senior year of high school, and was the first person to introduce me to a more nuanced view of gender and everything. I really didn’t see myself to be a man back then, but being a woman didn’t quite fit me either. Then, he introduced me to some of his queer friends, and slowly things started to click. It took me years to fully embrace being non-binary, I had a lot of things to deconstruct growing up with a religious and rather conservative family. But eventually I did, and he cheered me on every step of the way. You’ve met him actually. Remember my bassist, Paul?”

“Oh yeah, it’s pretty amazing that you’ve stayed friends all this time.”

“It is. We don’t deserve Paul. He’s an angel on earth.”

“He really is” agreed Amelia, resting her head against Kai’s shoulder. “Still I really can’t believe you never brought any of your ex-partners here. It’s beautiful” she remarked, looking at the Sun who would soon be setting over the lake.

“It is, but I really wanted to keep it for myself. I used to come here to smoke, or when I needed a break from home. I feared if I ever showed it to anyone it would just become one of those spots high schoolers came to, to do drugs and god knows what else.”

“Yeah, I know the kind” she answered, looking down at the water. “So it was just you smoking weed alone?”

“Eh, no judging. You’ve met my dad.”

“True.”

Kai’s hand came to find the surgeon’s hair, still soaking wet.

“You don’t have to answer, but why can’t you smoke weed? I know it’s not forbidden per se but there’s not much dependency involved is there?”

“Can be, for about 1 out of 10 frequent users contrary to popular beliefs. Plus, if I smoke weed I might forget not to do other drugs. And I don’t have the best track record for being a moderate and responsible substance user.”

“Oh, yeah makes sense” they said, pensively. “Now that I think about it, there was a time I couldn’t go to sleep without it. Especially during the pandemic.”

“I get that. I don’t know how I stayed sober during lockdown, there wasn’t a single day where I wasn’t thinking about drinking myself to death. I just had Scout at the time, it made me feel like the worst mother in the world.”

“I’m glad you made it.”

“Me too.”

Then, Kai’s phone started ringing, and Elise’s name popped up on the screen. They got up to answer it, pacing along the deck as Amelia tried to make out the conversation. She turned to look at her partner and a glance was enough to distract her. The sight of Kai only wearing some boxers and an open shirt, hair still wet, was one she could not get enough of. She wondered if the pure admiration for their raw attractiveness would be something she would just get used to someday. No, probably not. The way their eyebrows would crease a little when they focused, and how their sleeve sat perfectly on their forearm, that was not something someone just gets used to. So lost in her internal monologue, she almost didn’t notice Kai addressing her.

“My sister is wondering if we have somewhere to stay tonight, or if we wanna come over to her place” they inquired with a smile.

“I’m guessing that offer from your mom doesn’t stand anymore.”

“I am not going back to that place.”

“Tell her yes then. I’m looking forward to having a conversation with her that does not revolve around alcohol or our common inability to pick a good husband” she joked, and Kai nodded as an answer.

“Okay Elise, we’ll be there in thirty minutes. Oh and we’ll need a shower, I took Amelia swimming at the lake. Yes, I know it’s April. Yes, she’s still alive and well. Oh my god I know, I’ll see you later. Bye”

The surgeon burst out laughing upon hearing the last few words of the conversation. To be honest, she could barely feel her legs anymore, and she wouldn’t mind a hot shower after the day they just had. Kai helped her up, and the couple made their way back to the car. There, Amelia sat in the open truck while the researcher dug out some clean, comfortable clothes out of their suitcase.

“Why did you pack so much for only a three days trip? There’s like seven different pairs of underwear in there.”

“Well, with you, I never know how much I’ll need” she joked as she shot them a look, and they rolled their eyes.

They arrived at Elise’s house later that hour, and Amelia was relieved not to be confronted to another luxury residence in a gated community. Just by a short glance from the outside, she could tell the house held warmth and coziness. Everything she needed after such a day.

When they got out of the car, the woman was already waiting for them by the door. As they made their way in, she asked them to take their shoes off and Amelia immediately felt more at ease. Kai however seemed a little surprised.

“Just breaking in some new habits now that Mike is gone” she explained to her sibling before leading them for a tour of the house.

Along the way, Amelia noticed quite a few similarities in taste between her partner and her sister. First of all, Elise seemed to share Kai’s hate for overhead lighting, and the different rooms were filled by bookcases and plants of all kinds. Pictures lined the walls, mostly of her children and friends, though the surgeon did find a really adorable picture of Kai as a pre-teen wearing a bright red clown nose. But while Kai preferred the warm tones of bricks and wood, Elise’s walls were paint boldly, each room more colorful than the next in a way that Amelia adored. She wondered if this was an act of freedom after the divorce, like those breakup haircuts people sometimes get, or if this was just an expression of the other woman’s personality. Either way, it was beautiful.

Finally, Elise introduced them to the guest room and pointed them to the bathroom down the hall.

“I’ll give you guys some privacy to get settled. But don’t forget there’s children living here” she added to Kai’s attention. “Dinner will be ready in an hour. Amelia, do you have any allergies or dietary restrictions of any kind?”

“Nope, all good” she answered with a smile. “Thank you for letting us crash here.”

“Don’t worry about it. But do bring your son next time, kid’s gotta meet his cousins someday.”

“Will do” she assured her, and Amelia meant it. Maybe it was soon to consider Kai’s family her own, but Elise had a way of putting her at ease.

Meanwhile, it took a while for Kai to register the information. Amelia was about to head out to the bathroom, shower supplies in hand when they finally snapped out of their thoughts.

“So, what we have… is serious. Like really serious” they spoke, face flushed.

“Kai, I’m wearing your necklace, your take care of my kid on a regular basis and we practically live together. What do you mean?” the surgeon asked, abruptly aware of the situation the two women had just faced them with. Maybe it really was too soon.

“No, sorry, it got out wrong. It’s just. Elise usually never likes my partners. She always find them too egocentric, insecure, or overall not a good fit. She’s always been nice to them but that, that was something I wasn’t expecting.”

“I’m just that good” answered their partner with a smirk before engaging into the hallway. But Amelia did feel honored at the compliment. “Sounds like you’re stuck with me, Bartley.”

“What a shame” they answered before following the woman into the bathroom.

Later that night, they found themselves around the dinner table. The hot shower did the couple some good, but the combo of cleanliness and fresh clothes had managed to push Amelia long past the point of exhaustion. The human body was not built to jam a four hours flight, a family lunch gone wrong and an afternoon swimming into the same day. She felt like after a long day of surgery, pushing through to the point of being numb to the fatigue only for it to come crashing back the moment she would step out of the OR. Thankfully, Kai took over most of the conversation while their partner was fighting to stay awake, only listening with one ear.

“And how has business been treating you lately?” they asked, definitely more alert than their partner but not too far from excusing themselves to bed either.

“Pretty well, actually. I just concluded a deal to present some of my paintings during an exhibition next summer in the city, so I’m definitely excited about that. Most of what I painted after Mike sold very well, I’ve been complimented a lot on my expressiveness recently. I guess I have been a lot more joyful lately” she explained while glancing at her latest work in progress standing on the other side of the room. It depicted a redhead woman standing in the sea, and Amelia wondered if Elise shared her sibling’s adoration for the water. Either way, she could only admire her skill, especially around the light work. “What about you, are you forming a new band in Seattle?”

“I don’t think so. I’ve been experiencing with new sounds, and I’m thinking about releasing a solo album sometimes next year. We’ll see how that goes, but the inspiration has not been lacking” they smiled while shooting a look at their partner. But she still was looking over at the unfinished painting intensely.

“What about you Amelia?” suddenly asked Elise, making the surgeon’s head snap in her direction. “Any artistic skill Kai failed to reveal to me?”

“Ah, well I’m not much of an artist” she answered while looking down, seemingly embarrassed. The woman kind of felt out of place in a room filled by such talent, and her two years of piano lessons as a kid would not be of any help right now.

“Are you kidding?” asked her partner while taking her hand. “Watching you perform surgery, it’s mesmerizing. The way you talk about tumors, study them, love them. It’s something else. I’ve worked with my fair share of neurosurgeons and I’ve never met anyone that matched your passion, or skill, in the matter. It might not be a form of art by definition but you definitely make it out to be.”

She blushed at the compliment, taking in their words. They were right. Amelia’s art was neurosurgery, and she was excellent at it. She might not know her way around a guitar or a paint brush but her instrument was the scalpel. The more she thought about it, the more the realization hit her. The level she was performing at in her field did involve a great deal of creativity, and it was rare for her to met someone as admirative of the beauty and intelligence of a tumor as she was.

“I guess you’re right” she admitted, her thumb tracing over Kai’s hand. They had a way of putting her into the light that she was deeply unused to, but also really appreciative of. Kai’s presence always allowed her to be kinder to herself. They made her shine brighter than she could’ve ever imagine, like the sun’s warmth over her skin, like a queen. It was hard for Amelia to realize she did the same for them. But it truly was easy for anybody to tell that the couple was a perfect match for one another. “Surgery really is my art, isn’t it? But jokes aside, I’ve been wanting to get back to piano if you’d be willing to teach me.”

“Anytime sweetie” they said as a deep yawn escaped their mouth.

“We should really get you kids to bed” declared Elise. “What time do you have to go tomorrow?”

“Well, we-… I mean, I kind of lied earlier. We have the full day free tomorrow, but if you need us to get out of your hair early, we’ll manage just fine” Kai admitted, not without picking up the concerned expression on their sister’s face.

“Quite the contrary. Mike is coming to pick up the kids in the afternoon, and I actually wouldn’t mind if you stayed until he leaves. It’s one of the first time we’re going to see each other since we’ve signed the papers and I just. Well. You understand.”

“Of course, absolutely. I’m not letting that asshole near you again that’s for sure. I don’t even know how he got partial custody of the kids.”

Upon hearing those words, Amelia realized that they might’ve been more to Elise and Mike’s divorce than just a falling out in their relationship. She hesitated to ask, before reminding herself that it probably wasn’t any of her business. The surgeon had only known the other woman for a day, after all. But maybe Kai could answer her questions later.  

“He’s always been great with the children.”

“Still, I’m watching him closely. We never know after what he did to you.”

“Kai-“

“It’s okay mama” interrupted Ben, who had been buried deep in a conversation about flags with his sisters until then. “We won’t let him talk badly about you.”

“It’s not your battle to fight, just be a kid for now” answered Elise with a soft smile.

She then cut the conversation short by asking the trio to clear the table and to handle the dishes for tonight, which they went on to do without an argument. Amelia quickly stood from her sit to propose her help, which Elise denied firmly, ordering the couple to go rest instead. Before they left the room, she thanked Kai for their help with their dad at lunch.

“I’m sorry you always have to defend me” she said to their attention.

“Don’t worry about it, you do a lot for me too. If it wasn’t for you, mom never would’ve gotten around my pronouns.”

The siblings exchanged a smile and Kai then followed Amelia into their bedroom for the night. As the researcher closed the door, a loud sigh exited their chest and their head came to rest against the wooden panel.

“You okay baby?” she asked her partner, raising an eyebrow. Simultaneously, she reached for her bag as she seemed to remember something.

“Yeah, just exhausted” they answered with a soft smile before heading for the mattress. That’s when Amelia retrieved the small shark plush from her purse. “Oh my god did you really kidnap Nemo?”

She laughed as she heard the name. If every plant in Kai’s appartement had a denomination, she should’ve expected a similar treatment for their stuffed animals.

“I hope it’s okay. He seemed lonely out there, and he’s so cute I figured we could bring him back home?” she said shyly, suddenly unsure of her decision. The surgeon handed Nemo to Kai who looked hesitant for a second. When they finally took the plushie from her, their expression was unreadable.

“Yeah, sure. Of course it’s okay” they ultimately answered as they settled down under the covers. They seemed uncertain of what to do with the stuffed animal, which Elise warned Amelia about.

“I wouldn’t be jealous if you wanted to bring him in bed with us” she joked in an attempt to reassure them. “Actually, I have a stuffed bunny of my own I sleep with when you’re not around. I can’t believe I successfully hid him from you for so long.”

Confusion washed over Kai’s face. “Why would you hide that?” they asked, visibly offended to have been kept in the shadows for so long.

“I don’t know, I guess I thought you would find it childish” she admitted in an anxious laugh. Her back-up plan to blame the toy’s presence on Scout if Kai was to find out about it suddenly seemed very unnecessary. This was Kai, after all. “Beside you make for a very good replacement.”

This made the researcher snap into laughter. The whole situation seemed unreal. Only Amelia Shepherd could openly talk about her struggles with addiction, but hide such a small detail out of fear for so long. Finally, they set down the shark toy next to them and pulled their girlfriend closer in a kiss.

“Okay, no more hiding our deepest darkest secrets from each other now” they declared, attempting at a serious look. Amelia agreed. There truly wasn’t any need to deny themselves these small items of comfort if it made them happy, no matter how adult they were. And the surgeon wondered how it took them so long to have such a simple discussion.

Though the woman’s relief was cut short by concern. As her head came to find her partner’s chest, she couldn’t help but notice how distressed their breathing sounded. It expressed itself in small ways, but Amelia could feel Kai’s torso quiver at each inspiration, which seemed labored and unsteady at best. Then, the realization hit her.

“Kai” she called as she sat up. Her hand came the find the seam of the researcher’s t-shirt. “Take off your binder.”

The neuroscientist eyes opened, not without difficulty. If it wasn’t for Amelia reminding them, they probably would’ve drifted into sleep without a second thought. The exhaustion made it harder to take off the piece of clothing, which revealed red marks as it slid off their skin.

“Shit, Kai, I can’t believe you put it back after the shower. How long have you been wearing it?” she asked, her fingers tracing over the redness on their ribs.

“It’s fine. I’m fine. I know I’m not always the most responsible about it, but it’s been a hard day and I really wanted the extra hours of not having to worry about having tits” they attempted to joke, reprimanded by the neurosurgeon’s stare.

Maybe these small habits of Kai’s would’ve gone unnoticed by someone else, but Amelia had been particularly attentive about it lately. She always took notes of the way her partner would inauspiciously hurt themselves when they were having a hard time. Sometimes, it manifested by nervously scratching their hand when they got anxious, or by throwing themselves in the middle of conflict with little care for their own protection. Working themselves to a near burn-out had been a popular one recently and even with Kai’s attempts at hiding it, Amelia knew about the occasional smoking.

It always was very subtle, and she wondered if the researcher was even aware of this behavior. The woman knew she would have to confront them about it sometimes, but she had to find the rights words first. Actions would do for now.

“Don’t put your shirt back on” she said as she took her own sweater off before discarding it to the ground.

Amelia then lied back down onto her back, inviting her partner to come rest on her chest. They buried their face in her neck as she wrapped her arms around their shoulders, her fingers drawing gently over their bare skin. Kai let Amelia’s scent wash over them. They couldn’t get enough of it. It was familiar, reassuring, all the while being intoxicating. She smelled like the beach, early in the morning, when the fresh breeze scraped over the sand. Like that first inhale of the sea on the first day of a long-deserved vacation.

The surgeon had a way of perpetually seeing through Kai what they truly needed. Right now, they needed to reconnect. Maybe it was the exhaustion, the distant memories of their past resurfacing, and the constant alert state they had to held up all day. Or it might’ve been the conflicts, the pure violence of their father’s words who despite everything still knew exactly how to hurt them in all the worst ways. But the both of them were surprised as Kai started sobbing loudly, clinging into their partner for scraps of comfort.

The contact of their bodies against one another in contrast with the cold air allowed them to feel every feeling they had pushed down in a while. They knew their father loved them, but they wished he would like them as well. They missed their friends in Minnesota, their band, David, and the familiar corridors of the Mayo Clinic. They were scared to have left it all for a research project in Seattle which only seemed to lead to dead-ends so far, and that they would have to move again and abandon Amelia if it all came crumbling down. It had been hard feeling like themselves lately, and it expressed itself in all the wrong ways in the form of thoughts they couldn’t process. Some days, it felt like they needed protection from themselves.

But Amelia was here. She was an anchor in their quiet storm, her light radiated on Kai in their darkest times. She was a queen, fearless in the face of chaos. Most importantly, she wouldn’t run at the realization that Kai was a bit of a mess as well. Amelia was safety when they feared even themselves, and she would hold down the fort for as long as they would need. Long ago, Kai proud themselves for not being someone who cried often, or at all. But Amelia had taught them that experiencing their emotions might sometimes be the only way to process them. So, they wept, their tears running down her shoulder as she held them close. A gentle hand found their hair, pushing it off of their face.

“I got you” she whispered, kissing the top of their head softly.

Slowly, Kai’s breathing evened out, replaced by a steady rhythm interrupted by the occasional hiccup. The slow ups and downs movements of Amelia’s chest felt grounding and they lost themselves in the feeling of her thumb running along their cheek. Her other hand was drawing small hearts over their spine. The thought of apologizing passed by, but they let it go. They were safe, they were protected, they were going to be okay.

Chapter Text

Amelia was lighting some candles, humming along a record playing in the background. Kai had been gone for a full week to attend a conference in Europe. It had been months since the last time the surgeon felt that rush of anticipation at the idea of seeing her partner, the same one she used to get when they would come pick her up at the airport back in Minnesota. Sure, she was always excited to see them, but she didn’t realize how she missed that building-up feeling in her stomach; missing them made their upcoming time together all the more exciting.

Quite a few things had changed since their visit to Kai’s parents. The researcher had started therapy, but stopped attending soon after. Amelia recommended trying another therapist, which Kai had left to do. Truth was, spilling their childhood trauma to a complete stranger didn’t really resonate with them and instead, a new routine had settled in. Sometimes, late at night, the couple would go up to Kai’s roof and talk for hours, formulating thoughts and ideas, putting words on feelings and linking them to experiences. The both of them were buried deep in the puzzles of their brain, helping each other figure out the missing pieces. And that had brought the both of them closer than ever.

During those times, Amelia would share every thought from the back of her brain shamelessly, most of them about Christopher, everything she wondered about him as she saw Scout growing up. Communicating about her addiction had long been a habit she took to preserve her sobriety, but her wonders about her first son had always been a very private matter. Opening up about those deep parts of herself was truly freeing, and it had the added advantage to encourage Kai to open up more about themselves.

And Kai, well, they were getting accustomed to the feeling of vulnerability. Amelia could spend entire centuries listening to every wise product of their fascinating brain. They opened up about their childhood, their family, every grand ark of questioning which led them to who they were now. Kai had a way of perceiving life that the woman could not get enough of. Each of their contemplation felt of the upmost importance, which is not something the neurosurgeon failed to notice before, but having it laid out in front of her during those discussions only made her fall more and more in love with the scientist if that was even possible. It made her think too, and she was a wiser person for it.

It probably was the part of their relationship she missed the most that last week. Every inch of her skin ached in anticipation for their presence, for their touch, or the simple feeling of their gaze lying on her. Kai’s absence felt like getting out of bed on a cold winter day; bearable, but barely. So, the smile that tore her lips the second she heard the familiar fumbling of keys from the other side of the door was dazzling.

No words were spoken, only a gasp of surprise as Amelia threw herself in her partner’s arms. Kai’s hand found its place around her back and their lips met in a deep kiss, not even interrupted by sharp sound of their suitcase handle slamming against the floor. A silent conversation was spoken, which led to Kai lifting the neurosurgeon off the ground, allowing them to close the distance to the bedroom. They laid her down like she was the most precious thing they’ve ever held, hovering over her as their hand came to the back of her neck. She was biting their lower lip, pulling them ever so close into the kiss; she needed to feel them, everywhere. She inhaled sharply and their scent washed over her, strong and familiar, and she could physically feel her oxytocin levels rise as the researcher held her. Something inside her chest melted as they parted for oxygen, their green eyes lingering over her only strengthening her affection. She needed them as if a magnetic pull was acting between their bodies.

Quickly, Kai’s suit jacket was discarded to the ground and their tie came lose. Amelia couldn’t tell which was her favorite between the view of Kai in a suit, or the sight of it coming undone for her. She kneeled on the bed and her skilled hands came to find their belt in an effort to help them. The sooner those barriers came off, the sooner the researcher would redirect their touch to their rightful place on her skin. Soon, their shirt dropped from their shoulders to the floor, and their eyes fell on Amelia again. She was looking up at them, biting her lower lip, the daring look on her face enough to take their breath away. The white oversized t-shirt she was wearing was transparent enough to reveal the blood red color of her bra underneath, a discreet but intentional invitation.

Their long fingers came to meet her abdomen, running over her sides as they lifted the piece of clothing off of her, and the neurosurgeon shivered at the soft contact. It revealed a maroon bra, along with its assorted panties which obviously served more as decoration than anything considering how little coverage it offered. For a moment, it seemed Kai forgot how to breath, their mind frozen in front of the goddess that was Amelia Shepherd.

“God, Shepherd-”

“Shush, no talking for now” she interrupted as her fingers laced theirs, inviting the researcher to join her in bed.

Now both sitting in their underwear, Amelia came to straddle her partner’s hips. The urge to feel them could’ve taken over if it wasn’t for the way Kai was eyeing her, slowly, with such measure. They took the time to admire her, taking in her presence, feel her under their fingertips. So, she matched their pace, a certain sweetness filling her heart. They were here now, there was no need to rush things. She had all night to adore Kai for all they were as well.

Her hands started their path in Kai’s hair, pushing it back to reveal their neck which she traced slowly, admiring the way their perfect jaw lined their face. Green eyes were fixed on her as she found their collarbones, then their shoulders, stopping at the base of their deltoids. Her thumb came up to their chin, orienting their gaze to meet her own eyes. Not that she had to, Amelia was already in possession of all their attention.

“Can I take your binder off?” she asked, half whispering.

They nodded, still respecting the silence she had imposed moments prior. Only then the surgeon understood just how much control Kai allowed her to have. Their hands were resting on her hips in a well-behaved manner, waiting for her to have her way with them. What Amelia didn’t know was how much Kai needed this. Seven days of conference, working non-stop not to mention all the social interactions had left them emotionally drained. Coming home to their partner felt like fresh air. They let themselves drown in her femininity, in high awareness of how she brought beauty into their world. The contact of her hands alone made them see stars in their peripheral vision.

With that acquired consent, Amelia helped take their binder off, her digits carefully falling on their chest area. Kai had grown a lot more confident under that kind of touch these last few months, even occasionally surprising themselves enjoy the surgeon’s ministrations freely, without the added voices screaming in their brain. Still, she always took it slow, screening their expression for any signs of distress. A soft moan escaped their lips as her fingers brushed over their nipples. Their own hands grew impatient over the woman’s body, crawling up her back to unclasp her bra in one precise motion. The both of them laughed at that action, as this was after all a skill Kai worked on for so long before mastering. And now, they were using it relentlessly.

The bra slid off her shoulders, quickly discarded with the rest of their clothes, and the warmth of their upper bodies meeting one another caused heavy sighs to exit their respective lungs. But Amelia carried on, ever so slowly. Her fingers grazed against the researcher’s ribs. Kai’s newfound love for attention around their torso also disclosed to their partner how sensitive that area was for them. There was a reason getting tattooed over the ribcage was so notorious for being painful, she thought, still the realization that this could be an erogenous zone for Kai was a pleasant one.

She pushed them down onto the bed, her lips kissing up their abdomen to the lower part of their sternum as the neuroscientist’s breathing grew heavier. Her nails lightly scratched the side of their torso as she looked up for permission. To her surprise, Kai’s hand found the surgeon’s hair and pushed her down onto their chest without a second thought, instantly reacting to the contact with a low groan. She kissed their skin, leaving a few violet marks along the way before turning her attention to their nipple, sucking playfully as her hand came to give attention to their other one.

How well they were reacting to her doing only encouraged her to keep going. Every harder suck was met with a whine, their back arching more and more into the touch. Watching her loved one come undone in such a way made it harder for Amelia to hold back, but the privilege to watch Kai explore these new kinds of pleasure made it absolutely worth it. She then focused her attention to their other breast, using her tongue to play Kai like an instrument. Sometimes, it appeared as if she knew their body better than her own.

The woman came to straddle their thigh, mindlessly grinding on it, hopeless for any sort of contact. Hearing her partner get more vocal was enough to make her brain fuzzy with excitement. Though Kai didn’t fail to notice, the neurosurgeon wasn’t the only one holding sacred knowledge about the other one’s pleasure, and the researcher’s attentiveness for her never faltered despite the distractions. They lifted their knee up against her core, encouraging her to keep going.

Each of her actions felt overwhelming; Amelia’s mouth working wonders around their breasts, her hand traveling from their ribs to their hips grasping onto every inch of their body, the soft touches, her heated center using their thigh for her pleasure, the restless grinding coupled to the woman’s messy moans. Kai’s chest burned with anticipation. The need to feel more of her quickly took over.

They pulled Amelia up to meet her lips in a kiss, still bright red from all the work she had been doing over their chest. She straddled their hips, leaning down over them to kiss their neck while Kai’s hands traced down her back, desperate for more contact. Their own hips bucked as they held hers down, needing to give her any stimulation, any kind of pleasure, which Amelia answered by resuming her grinding. For an instant, they wished they were wearing the strap. That’s when an idea made its way into their thoughts. Kai’s hand came to find the neurosurgeon’s cheek, encouraging her to look at them. The sight of her flushed face never failed to make them smile.

“You okay?” she checked, her breath harsh, blue eyes piercing through theirs.

“Sit on my face.”

“Are you sure?” asked the surgeon, her tone nonetheless betraying her attempt at hiding her anticipation.

“Mh-mh” they confirmed with a grin, fingers crawling between her remaining underwear and her skin.

Kai gently took the light piece of fabric off under the woman’s gaze. Their spirited make out session had already left her particularly sensitive, heightening each and every one of their contacts over her skin. Finally, she settled over her partner, knees parked on each side of their head, hands gripping onto the wooden headboard as theirs came around her thighs. They pulled her closer.

“Wait” she interrupted, her breathing heavy from their grip around her alone. She knew she wouldn’t last. She looked down at Kai who was attentive, and she couldn’t help but notice how hot they looked in their position. “If you need to breath, or stop for any reason, tap my thigh. Or pushed me off, whatever works, okay?”

“Fuck breathing” they answered, their heart nonetheless going soft for how caring their girlfriend was for them.

Her laughter was cut short by the feeling of Kai’s tongue making contact to her core, and she clenched onto the headboard. Kai’s habit was to start slow, tease, build her up until she begged, so their current hast surprised her a bit. Their fingertips dug into her hips, inviting her to relax her weight onto their arms and face, but her fear to suffocate them held her back from giving herself completely.

Though that did not last long. Their tongue ran around her entrance and they used their strong arms to pull her closer, effectively pushing their tongue deep inside. A surprised moan ripped through Amelia’s throat, her legs slowly giving into the pleasure, and allowing Kai more and more control. Even from their position, Kai had a way of being in possession of the power, and they handled Amelia with care and precision as pleasure started to wash over her. Slowly, she started to relax into their arms, letting them have their way with her, her head coming to rest against the wall in front of her.

At first, it was messy. Amelia’s wetness betrayed her, making the contact too slippery for the researcher’s work to be truly effective to its pull potential. But Kai was patient. They made use of every tool in their possession to give space for their partner’s pleasure. Their hands ran along her thighs, eliciting unsteady breaths and moans from the woman at the soft contact, only enhanced by her state. They also helped keep her upright, guiding her into positions that would give them a better angle. Finally, their tongue found her clit, which Amelia was well-alert of.

They used their position to play with her a little more, at first purposely keeping the pressure light as their attention focused on Amelia’s face. Despite her strong desire for more stimulation, her face expressed bliss, her mouth left half-open to let out ungodly sounds. Now that Kai had helped her relax into the moment, her confidence also grew, so well that she didn’t hesitate to push her hips down onto their tongue in search for that pressure she so desperately needed. Her fingers came to find their hair as her hips rocked to meet Kai’s activity over her bundle of nerve, her frustration becoming increasingly obvious in her cries.

They silently fought for control; Kai to lead her pleasure, a role which they loved so much, Amelia to pursue that release she was dying for. It seemed her whole body was aching for that orgasm, that keep building and building without ever crossing the edge. This was obviously her partner’s work, who had mastered a knowledge of her pleasure over time. Kai could tell by her expression and the way her hips where shaking exactly how close Amelia was, and they would sometimes use that power for evil.

Truth was, pleasing their partner had an effect on them as well. Every spasm of her body, every frustrated moan seemed to shoot shocks of pleasure between their own legs. And despite her growing frustration, the neurosurgeon knew Kai was purposeful in their actions. She knew they were preparing her for one of those world-shattering orgasms only they could give her. They had missed her as well, and they were ready to show her just how much.

Her grip on the headboard tightened, so did the one in their hair. The researcher’s shoulders burned from their efforts to keep Amelia still enough so that their ministrations stayed precise, their rhythm on her clit slowly increasing. But the surgeon had enough of their little game. She grabbed their wrists and pinned them down, finally freeing herself from their grasp. Her hips picked up the rhythm over Kai’s tongue whose amusement for the situation was readable on their face. They had found a whole new way to make Amelia break, and finding themselves restrained under their loved one while she used them to get off was something they could get used to.

Still, they helped her out, sucking on her clit as her fingers laced theirs, in search for more proximity. Kai was mesmerized by the view unraveling on top of them of their partner crossing over the edge, cheeks bright red, abs taut, grinding helplessly. As her orgasm took over, her hips froze and she cried out Kai’s name in between tortuous sounds of pleasure. The shocks took over her pelvis, running up her spine and her muscles tensed as she clung onto her partner. They guided her through it, lovingly continuing their work over her core until her moans quieted down, and she finally released her grip on their hands, reaching for the wall for balance.

As Kai started to read that expression of overstimulation on Amelia’s face, they stopped, patiently waiting for her to get to her senses again. Their fingers came to caress her shaking thighs and silence filled the room again. For a while, the only thing she experienced was the fog in her brain and Kai’s breathing through their nose landing on her pelvic bone. Right, breathing.

Reluctantly, she moved to the side, her body somehow way heavier than it felt mere seconds before. She landed on her back, trying to focus on her own breathing for a second, eyes still closed. Even the light felt overstimulating at the moment. As she was about to check in with her partner, she felt their lips landing on hers and she chuckled at the realization of how much of a mess she had made over their face. Still, she kissed them back, tasting herself on their lips.

“Are you okay?” they smiled, out of breath as well.

“Yeah… definitely” she smiled back as Kai pulled her into their arms. “What’s up with the never-ending edging though?”

“Doesn’t it make it better?” they asked playfully, still thoroughly aroused by the way Amelia took the matter into her own hands by the end. Pleasing her never failed to get them off.

“So much better, but also so much worst” she declared in a laugh. Though she loved it, it was the kind of thing Amelia simply couldn’t do on her own.

“We both know you love it” Kai said as they kissed her hair, not before wiping their face on their forearm.

She agreed, taking a moment to appreciate the way Kai’s skin felt against hers. Each of their soft touch felt electric, and she drown in the intimacy of the moment. Her hand was resting on their chest, and the researcher didn’t even seem to mind. She was so awfully proud of them for that small detail, which also made her feel like the most special person in the world. How she missed their smell, their touch, and the neurosurgeon couldn’t remember how they used to tolerate spending weeks without each other back during their Parkinson’s research days.

Despite feeling so physically drained, a certain motivation appeared in her chest as her wandering hand reached their boxers. Especially as she came to cup their core over the fabric, which she found soaked.

“Your turn now” she announced, and Kai bit their lower lip as they heard her say those words. They would’ve been satisfied if the evening came to an end right there, but it wasn’t in Amelia’s habits to leave them hanging.

“Can’t believe you have the energy for that right now, Shepherd.”

“For you, always. Though I wouldn’t mind if you wanted to lay right there and be my pillow princess. Sorry, pillow… monarch?”

They chuckled and their hand came to cup her face.

“I’m a fervent believer that pillow princess is gender-neutral” they settled, liking the idea as well. Their shoulders and neck were still aching from all the previous action.

With that in mind, the surgeon got up on her knees and Kai helped her take their boxers off. A mischievous smile made its way to her lips as she positioned herself between their thighs. Kai was already shivering in anticipation still fully possessed by their previous arousal, a result of their work on Amelia. Creating the space for her to have the best time possible was their kink, and sometimes it appears as if they would come from watching their loved one’s face as pleasure took over her body alone. So, it came as no surprise for the woman to discover exactly how sensitive they already were as she used the gentlest touch to run her fingertips over their abdomen.

As she leaned down to kiss their chest, their hips made contact, which elicited a soft groan from the researcher. They pushed their hips further against her pubis, their ankles hooking behind her back as the surgeon joined their initiative, bucking her hips firmly against their center. Kai was getting restless by the second, especially upon seeing how much their partner enjoyed having control over them. Amelia had barely started, but each passing minute of teasing felt like torture.

Seeing how worked up Kai could get by giving her gratification alone was such a turn on for the surgeon, which also helped her grow very confident in that moment. The tiniest action elicited a reaction from the researcher whose frustration was growing exponentially. Usually, making space for her pleasure was Kai’s way to feel on top. But that night, she held that position, and she intended to use it to return the favor.

Seeing the situation the both of them were in right now got her imagination working, their reversed dynamic opening new possibilities along the way. They seemed to be in the mood to try new things tonight, so why not explore further? At least, it did not hurt to ask.

“Have you ever had someone fuck you with the strap?” she blurted as she looked up from their chest, maybe her tone more direct than she would have liked. She accentuated her question by a movement of the hips which teared a moan out of her partner.

“A strap… no. Dicks, yes, though a long… time ago” they answered through labored breath, finally realizing what Amelia implied through her question. Their glance landed on her, her blue eyes piercing through theirs with great attentiveness. She was waiting for an answer to her silent question.

They allowed their head to fall back on the bed, eyes closing as they took a moment to think. It was hard to focus when such a beautiful woman’s body was lying against theirs, her hands exploring their torso, her hips sending waves of pleasure through their pelvis, and asking for their consent. ‘Make the call’ she asked. The researcher’s body was boiling with excitement and as another moan ripped through their throat, the answer became evident. They needed to feel more of Amelia. And more importantly, they trusted her enough to know she would react perfectly if they realized it felt off, and changed their mind.

Their eyes found hers again. She had slowed down her movements, allowing them room to think. Her whole attention was focused on them and them alone, and Kai felt as if they could’ve died from the love with which she looked at them. They nodded, and the both of them smiled.

“I would like verbal confirmation, love” she asked, not even attempting to hide her grin.

“I’m saying yes. Get the strap” Kai reassured, their heart softening upon seeing the surgeon’s reaction.

Still, a knot of anxiety was slowly building up in their chest. Their last experience with comparable penetration hadn’t been the best one, and they feared their internal monologue would take over at any second.

‘I’m safe, I’m okay’ they thought as Amelia went to retrieve the toy. A weird mix of fear and anticipation filled their head, like that first time they climbed on stage with their guitar. Stress. ‘Stress can be good’ Kai reminded themselves, also comforted by the fact that if anyone understood the path of thoughts they were experiencing, it was Amelia. Those long night discussions really allowed the neurosurgeon to dive deeper in Kai’s brain. She was perfectly aware that this was a big ask, perfectly aware that it was a hard thing for them to relax and trust her with this. This was more than just trying out new things, it was Kai feeling secure enough with her to confront their dysphoria-infused intrusive thoughts. And Amelia intended to make a point of guiding them through it.

Though despite the ongoing storm in their mind, Kai couldn’t help but notice that the harness and dildo were stored separately, which did not line up with their last memory of putting it away. Had Amelia used it while they were gone? The idea sure was distracting.

Amelia finally walked back to the bed and they sat up by the edge. She made sure to kiss them before doing anything else.

“You tell me to stop, I stop. You need a break, we take a break. Anything you need, you get, without the need to explain yourself” reassured Amelia, making sure it was absolutely clear in Kai’s brain. There were no expectations, just the two of them together.

A deep sigh exited her chest as she felt Kai’s fingers grazing against her thighs, helping her put the harness on. The researcher took their time, adjusting it to fit her while her hands rested on their shoulders. Ultimately, they grabbed the dildo, guiding it to its dedicated emplacement on the harness. Somehow, the stress made it seem much bigger than they remembered. So, they took a deep breath, and Amelia kissed them again, granting them the comfort they needed.

As she went to grab lube from the bedside drawer, she got distracted. Kai couldn’t help but laugh upon seeing their partner swing her hips a little, chuckling at how it made the toy wiggle.

The laughter lasted long enough for Kai to forget about their worry, finally allowing themselves to sink into the intimacy of the moment. Amelia finally retrieved the lube before turning toward her partner, pushing them down onto the bed in a kiss. Her lips fell to their neck while her hand make its way down their body toward their wetness, appreciating every inch of skin she crossed.

As her fingers found their clit, Kai audibly gasped, having almost forgot just how sensitive Amelia had left them. She started by drawing tight circles over it, her skills never failing to impress the researcher. Those neurosurgeon hands sure knew how to work their magic, never failing to make them go wild under her touch. Kai brought they arms up over their head, watching the woman work, her expression translating a lot more focus than usual.

She only looked up when her digits came to tease their entrance, a quick ask for permission.

“Keep going” Kai assured her, thankful for her regular check-in’s. She did not only say they were in control, she acted accordingly, and that made the scientist feel just a little bit safer in her hands.

A hoarse moan escaped their lips as she dipped two fingers in. She started in the usual manner, making slow in-and-out movements as she curled her fingertips to that spot they so dearly loved. As Kai started to get more vocal and relax into her touch, she added a third one, judging it necessary so that they could accommodate the toy comfortably later on. Through their pleasure, Kai took note of the woman’s attentiveness, and the delicacy she was using. It was also a lesson they would use later. Sometimes, when they decided to use the strap, they would sometimes rush through these steps, resulting in that first penetration being a bit painful for Amelia. While she never clearly expressed a particular discontentment for it, Kai made a mental note to be more mindful from now on, like Amelia was being for them right now.

When Amelia took her fingers out, they winced at the sudden feeling of emptiness, their pleasure cut too short. But the frustration got swiftly interrupted by their back muscles tensing upon hearing the familiar click of the lube bottle opening, and they made sure to breath through it. Anticipation took over, making it increasingly obvious how much they needed to feel Amelia right now. That’s when they seemed to remember that it might very well be the surgeon’s first time in that position, and that she might be in need of some guidance as well.

A gentle hand came to find the taller one’s thigh, and the touch felt like a burn over their skin. The other one was guiding the toy along Kai’s slit making them whimper every time it ran over their clit. Somehow, the coldness of the lube enhanced every contact in their sensitive state, their breathing slowly growing erratic. They lost themselves to the soft contact, their hips starting to move in search of more pressure, and they audibly expressed their frustration when the surgeon stopped.

“Kai?”

They snapped out of their distraction, finally remembering what this was all about. Amelia asked once again for confirmation, the tip of the toy pressing ever so slightly against their entrance, and Kai thought they would die if she did not start fucking them right now.

“Yes please Amelia, please” they begged, ignoring the tightness in their stomach.

Nonetheless sensing their apprehension, Amelia leaned closer. Their thighs were now touching, her fingers running over their lower abdomen, offering the proximity they needed against that feeling of vulnerability. Kai went to grab her hand, squeezing it gently, both a gesture of seeking comfort, and giving encouragement.

They did not let go when she pushed the tip of the toy in, gentle as ever, and scanning their face for a reaction. Their eyes were closed shut, breathing unsteady as they accustomed to the unfamiliar feeling. They were expecting pain, which did not come as Amelia decidedly had done a great job at making it a soft, smooth experience for them. And they could not be more grateful to have such a great partner.

Carefully, the surgeon started moving her hips, pushing the strap a little further with each move, and allowing Kai time to get used to the length. They could not make out what they were experiencing. On the one hand, the sensation felt intense, especially the feeling fullness. The feeling in itself they knew, but for the first time they got to experience the intimacy, the joy that was supposed to accompany it, and that was unlike anything they’ve ever felt before. But on the other hand, it was almost deeply underwhelming. The lack of intrusive thoughts, the lack of pain, the lack of anxiety that Amelia’s presence allowed, it granted them the privilege to focus on their pleasure. And so far, her ministrations were far too slow for their taste.

“Amelia, more” they asked in a husky voice, also pulling her closer against their body for more contact. Her touch alone was the strongest aphrodisiac.

Amelia answered with a smile, leaning over to kiss them as her hips picked up the rhythm. Her movements were pretty messy at first as she tried to figure out how to operate the toy. But under Kai’s praise, she started to get confident, the rolling of her hips progressively getting steadier. The researcher’s hand came to rest behind her neck, fingers tangling with her hair, just wanting to feel closer to the woman. The moans falling out of their mouth drove her crazy, each of their praise making her groan as well. The angle they landed in hit all the right spots, and Kai melted around that pleasure resonating so deep inside them. They lost it when Amelia started to return the praising.

“You feel so good, love. You’re doing so great for me” she said as her fingers ran down their sternum, making its way down their body. She could tell by Kai’s whimpers that they needed just a little bit more to go over the edge. “You have no idea how much I love hearing you.”

Her fingers finally made it to their core, finding their sweet spot. She could not get her eyes off Kai as she started to draw tight circles over it, using that hard pressure they loved. Sweat covered their forehead, their mouth was left hanging open under the pleasure. They were so close, so agonizingly close, so much that it nearly hurt. Their nails were digging into Amelia’s back and their whole body was tense, but they just couldn’t seem to cross the edge. It seemed their brain just would not get out of their head.

Their noises grew impatient, agitated as they fought to be able let go. For a while, they wondered if they even could, or if the anxiety would take over and ruin it everything. Their breathing felt heavy as they cried for relief, holding onto Amelia as she watched them struggle. So, she made the hard decision to slow down her rhythm.

“Kai, baby, listen to me” she said as she caught their gaze. Their eyes were filled with frustration, slightly teary, and she paused to kiss them deeply. “Relax your muscles for me, okay?”

Kai listened, allowing their body to relax not without difficulty. For a few seconds, they focused on their breathing, not even having realized how clenched their shoulders were. As they eased onto the bed, Amelia’s eyes followed them, and they found comfort in their favorite blues. A reassuring smile crossed her lips, and she took the time to trace their abdomen, hips and thigh with her free hand as their pleasure started building again.

“Let me take care of you. I got you” Amelia spoke as she picked up the rhythm again, guiding them through it.

She made sure they stayed relaxed, leading them with her soft comments to reach that high they got stuck at before. They focused on her words, on their pleasure building up, on how good everything felt, and Amelia only felt pride upon hearing them express those feelings. Their sounds weren’t as desperate anymore, just translating raw bliss, unapologetically loud unlike the surgeon ever heard them be before. She centered her attention to coordinating her hips and fingers until they reached that edge again, intending to make sure they wouldn’t get stuck on the verge of their orgasm this time.

Still, Kai started to struggle again. They focused hard on relaxing, on their pleasure, but could not seem to let go. Upon seeing them tense again, Amelia leaned closer against them, kissing their chest, allowing more contact of their skins.

“You’re doing so great for me baby. Just let go, I got you. Cum for me please” she praised as she continued her kisses over their torso, feeling them tense under her lips. Not the same kind of tensed, this time. The kind she was looking for.

They hooked their ankles behind her back, locking their hips impossibly close as their orgasm took over. The shocks of pleasure were strong, violent even, after so much wait and so many emotions. They cut Kai’s breath short, only leaving space for small whines as they held onto Amelia. Their position didn’t leave much space for the woman to help prolong their high, which she figured was a good thing, as the both of them were exhausted and it would’ve probably felt way too overstimulating for the researcher by this point. Instead, she kissed their skin, focused on their connection as they rode it out. The heavy waves of pleasure brought tears to their eyes, until relief washed over them, making their body go limp with fatigue. The feeling of their own hasty heartbeat and Amelia’s presence were the only things grounding them into reality.

When their legs finally let go of the surgeon, she wasn’t so sure she would be able to move. Her abs and thigh muscle ached, and she was just as out of breath as they were. The urge for some after-sex comfort encouraged her, and she carefully stepped back, removing the toy from Kai. The weakness in her arms made taking off the harness seem like an impossible task and she wondered how her partner made it look so easy. Finally, the harness came loose, and she considered getting up to do some cleaning up. Kai always made sure Amelia was cared for after sex, and took care of all these chores for her while she lied still, appreciating the last few twitches of pleasure.

But the researcher interrupted her thoughts. They took the strap from her hands, discarding it on the nightstand before dragging Amelia’s body against theirs in bed. They lied facing each other, until Kai’s head came to lodge itself against her chest, and Amelia understood they needed to feel close to her right now. It had been a while since the last time sex felt so emotional for either side.

“You’re great, so great. I love you so much” they whispered as her hand came to find their hair.

She held them close as Kai melted into her arms, calm slowly washing over them as they took in her familiar scent.

“Are you okay though?” she finally asked, that last episode having worried her a little. Recently, the neurosurgeon had encountered more opportunities to see her loved one’s vulnerable sides, but never had she saw them struggle like this with their brain. “Doing this, did it feel good for you?”

They took a while to answer, their mind still cloudy from one of the most memorable orgasms they’ve ever received.

“I think it did. I mean, it definitely felt mind-blowing good. And different, in a good way. But I don’t know if I wanna do this regularly, it was hard for me to fully relax.”

“Is it dysphoria?”

“Maybe some of it, but that wasn’t the issue. I’m mostly fine with my body, though I’ve been considering top surgery for a while. Not very seriously, but as an option” they revealed, looking up at Amelia’s expression. She simply nodded, so they continued. “I figured out I was queer quite early on in my life. But for the longest time I’ve kind of… tried to force myself to like men as well? And as it turns out, I’m not into it, and haven’t had the best experiences.” As Amelia’s face turned to worry, they stepped away a little, supporting themselves on the bed with their forearms. “Nothing too bad, don’t worry, just lots of misgendering and heteronormative stuff. It didn’t feel good for me, at all. And now, traditional penetrative sex when I’m in this position just overall makes me uncomfortable, it just doesn’t spark the inherent joy I experience with queer sex. And occasionally, it can be triggering. I don’t regret doing it with you though, you’re a quick learner” they attempted to joke to lighten up the atmosphere.

Amelia came to kiss their cheek, letting the silence settled in for a while. She found comfort in those quiet moments where they just looked at each other in the eyes, taking each other’s presence.

“I think I prefer when you’re on top as well. I’m too small to be both fucking you and kissing you comfortably anyway. Beside that stuff is exhausting, I don’t know how you do it.”

They laughed at the comment before leaning down to kiss her lips.

“How about a shower? And then we’ll figure out if there’s anything eatable in the fridge” they proposed as they stretched their shoulders, and Amelia smiled as she understood their intention to carry her there.

“Sounds good.”

Chapter Text

The candle flame was flickering, a small warning that its longevity was coming to an end. Amelia’s fingers were running along her partner’s sternum. Their skin had taken a golden color under the warm light. Kai’s eyes were closed, their breathing slow and even, but the surgeon could tell they were awake by the lazy hums they were letting out under her soft touches. The both of them were high on the hormones of their own brains, isolated together in the aftermath of their pleasure.

Those were precious moments. The ones stolen in the middle of the night, just a few hours before their alarm would go off and force them back into the responsibilities and anxiety of real life. Kai talked about those times together as some sort of protest; loving each other might be the most powerful revolt against a system that so loudly wanted them dead.

The neurosurgeon’s hand kept on going, running down Kai’s side, her fingers applying the tiniest bit of pressure as a small sign of possession. As she ventured towards their inner thigh, she glanced at the clock. It was late, too late for a second round without suffering severe consequences the next day. Maybe she could call in sick? Conflicted, she turned to her lover for answers. Green eyes pierced through hers, and her brain showed her the very recent memory of those same eyes looking up at the woman from between her thighs.

If she were to ask, Kai would serve and worship her without a second thought until sunrise. But the candle seemed to decide for them as it reached the last of its fuel. Obscurity surrounded the couple, and with that the immense feeling of fatigue made itself known.

Small ‘I love you’s were whispered and minutes started to pass. Kai had turned to the side and pulled their partner closer in their arms as they started to drift into sleep. But despite the overwhelming feeling of love and safety the woman was experiencing against the warmth of their naked skin, she lied awake.

There was a little boy, Scout’s age, lying in a hospital bed right now. The tumor located in his left frontal lobe wasn’t that big, but it was already affecting muscle control in his right hand and balance. Its rough edges were going to make surgery risky, but it didn’t stop Dr. Shepherd from accepting the challenge. But now the questions were flooding. What if she couldn’t take all of it out? What if the boy’s motricity was forever damaged? Or worse. She had two days to figure it out.

The most recent MRI hadn’t reassured her the slightest bits. This surgery was dangerous, but how challenging it truly was would only reveal itself once she’d face the tumor. Should she opt for an awake craniotomy, to decrease the chances of motor function loss? But an awake surgery with a boy this young had its own challenges, and the benefits of brain plasticity, especially in childhood, promoted good outcomes in that matter hence making for a strong argument against that choice. But that was a bet, maybe safety was the way to go.

An hour passed, and Kai’s warmth was starting to get suffocating. So, as discreetly as she could, Amelia slipped out of bed, grabbed the first of Kai’s sweater she could find lying around and headed for the couch. In moments of doubt, she liked going back to the basics by going through her notes. It had a way of making the answer seem clearer. The idea that no surgery was without risk was prominent in her field, but she specialized in doing the impossible. Maximizing outcomes, minimizing risks. First, she had to find a way to get Scout out of her mind, because asking herself what she would have wanted if she was in that boy’s family’s place was not helping right now. And so, she dove into her work.

“…’melia?”

A soft smile gained her lips as she turned to face her favorite voice.

“What are you doing up, baby?”

She realized that the nickname sounded more and more natural in her mouth. At first, calling the tall neuroscientist ‘baby’ was a way to tease playfully. But as they eased into the routine of their relationship, the word had come around with a tone of familiarity and care. Kind of a way for Amelia to brag about how their tall and strong partner would just melt in her arms, how she had access to that part of them only she knew. And she loved it.

An ocean of notes, documents and drawings of all kinds was now decorating the floor, the surgeon truly couldn’t tell how much time had passed. Almost immediately, Kai’s expression changed from sleepy to that focused, professional gaze as their eyes fell to the neurosurgeon’s sketches.

“Don’t you risk damaging Broca’s area by going through that angle?” they asked, now getting comfortable next to Amelia on the floor. They had brought a blanket along, and passed it around the surgeon’s shoulders.

“Yeah, but it seems like a better bet than going by a temporal approach to get all of the tumor out” she answered as she handed the most recent imaging of the tumor to Kai. “I think I can avoid it, and right now it’s hard to know exactly how deep this thing is entangled. Worst case scenario, it’s reached the hippocampus in which case I’ll need a clear view of it to keep the damages to a minimal.”

“Isn’t the hippocampus way less prone to brain tumor invasion?” they commented while going through the pictures.

“It is.” 

Only then the neuroscientist turned to take a good look at their partner’s face. Did Amelia see something they didn’t on the MRI, or was she having some sort of surgery instinct? No, it wasn’t any of that. Her eyes were underlined by the marks of fatigue, her lips bearing the traces of nervous biting. Whatever was going on, the surgeon was clearly distraught. She was way too smart to bring additional risk into an already dangerous surgery in anticipation of danger that didn’t even seem to be there.

“Are you scheduled for any surgery tomorrow?” Kai questioned, only now noticing they were looking at a young child’s brain.

“No, I cleared everything so I could work on this.”

“Meaning you can work from home, right?”

“Right…” Amelia was now looking back at her partner. Whatever they were suggesting, planning that surgery was more important. She couldn’t believe that just a couple hours before, she considered calling in sick to spend the day in bed with Kai. That poor boy needed her, his family was counting on her. She couldn’t let them down.

But as her own brain started spiraling again, Kai’s hand came to rest on hers.

“I think you need a full night of sleep before planning anything else. And I can take my day off so we can revisit this together, later. Does that sound good to you?”

Amelia lost herself in their eyes, a deep sigh exiting her chest. She was tired, exhausted even, and overthinking. In no shape to make any rational decision right now. Kai had once again saw right through her, and so reluctantly she followed the neuroscientist to bed.

-

When Amelia woke up again, eight full hours later, Kai greeted her with a cup of coffee and a small kiss on the cheek. They settled on the couch together, and the surgeon observed with a smile how Kai hadn’t touched her work scattered on the floor. They had visibly gone through it, seeing as their own pile of paper was now lying on a nearby chair, but that respect for her own organization was something Amelia was deeply grateful for.

As her brain started working again, she realized just how distraught she was the previous night. Now that she slept on it, the surgeon was starting to realize just how deeply buried in her thoughts she was about that surgery, failing to see the bigger picture.

“Thanks for making me take a break yesterday.”

“You’re good, I too sometimes get lost in my work during the late hours of the night. But I gotta admit it’s been happening a lot less now that I have you around” they said with a smirk while brushing a strand of the neurosurgeon’s hair out of her face.

Where Amelia supposed they had more to say, they left space for silence. The couple had reached a point in their relationship where talking was barely needed to understand each other, she knew very well what they were asking. And she guessed that now that Kai was working on that case with her, there was no harm in sharing a little more about the patient.

“The owner of the tumor, he’s a little boy, around Scout’s age. His dad died earlier that year, killed by a drunk driver, and he has three sisters. He’s the youngest.”

“I see” they nodded, and Amelia understood that she didn’t need to say more. Kai knew exactly what was going through the woman’s mind; all the small triggers that were leading her into that tunnel-vision earlier. And they understood very well what their job was on this case right now. Guiding Amelia to a more global view of the case so she can do what she does best; neurosurgery.

Secretly, they knew that Amelia was more than capable of figuring out such a puzzle without losing herself in the fears brought on by empathy. Her empathy was without a doubt the quality that differentiated her from being a good to a great neurosurgeon. But in all honesty, Kai would’ve been a fool to skip on an entire afternoon watching their smart girlfriend at work. The process of her intelligence, curiosity and creativity all coming together in action for that little tumor, it was Amelia’s art, one brought to Kai by their very privileged position in the surgeon’s life. They truly couldn’t wait to get to work.

Very quickly, that synergy they felt during the Parkinson’s research filled the room. Ideas were bouncing left and right, potential scenarios drawn on the white board with its associated ever so reliable pros and cons list. Faced to a dilemma, Amelia called to request further imaging at the hospital, forcing the couple to take a well-deserved lunch break while awaiting the results.

“Still anxious about a potential invisible, asymptomatic hippocampus invasion?”

“It’s not a likely scenario, I agree” finally admitted Amelia.

Somehow deprived of the bigger picture in her exhaustion, the surgeon was lucky enough to have been stopped in the middle of making a mistake. Swimming deep in her own worries, the line between what she needed to save and what she needed to protect got blurry. Trying to control elements outside of her reach would only result in more hurt, even with the best of intentions.

Maybe Amelia wouldn’t be able to save that little boy from his own tumor. Maybe once her eyes fall on the clump of cells, the neurosurgeon will realize she can’t take it out without ripping that kid from a part of himself, forever. But what good does looking at it this way could possibly bring? The world had been harsh on its own, the universe hadn’t waited for the tumor to rip that kid from parts of himself. From the moment Amelia met him, she perceived that familiar numbness in his huge ocean-blue eyes. She could recognize anywhere what drowning in grief looks like.

So, she grabbed the pen and started working through yet another approach. Maybe she couldn’t protect him from all the hurt in the world, but maybe she could save him just enough so that he’ll get to grieve, grow up, make mistakes and ask for forgiveness, fall from the wagon and pick himself up again. So that he’ll get to save himself. Just like Amelia did.

“I think I’m not done grieving my dad.”

“Me neither.”

They exchanged a look. Of course Kai had already figured out what was going on from the moment they stumbled onto their over-thinking, sleep deprived girlfriend trying her best to shield a little boy from everything everywhere all at once, way beside common sense. And the pieces they hadn’t put together yet, Amelia gave them this morning at breakfast.

Helping Kai navigate their own grief of their father helped the surgeon put pieces of her own loss together that she hadn’t so far. While the man wasn’t dead, ever since that lunch the researcher had given up on all hopes regarding any sort of relationship with their dad. Maybe as people, they could tolerate each other during their occasional encounters at family events. But the man would never love Kai as the person they were. They would never celebrate their happiness, or give them the respect one should give his child. They’ll never be as close as they were when Kai was a kid, and Christopher was teaching them how to throw a ball or go fishing together. That grief was different, but just as heavy. And accepting it had taken a heavy place in the scientist’s life recently.

That helped Amelia realize; she never accepted losing her own father.

She never accepted the unfairness of someone being ripped so violently from one’s life. Never accepted the injustice of growing up without him, never have him present at her graduations. She had been living without him, but never fully sat down with her grief. He’ll never meet Scout, he’ll never tell Amelia how proud he was of her ever again.

Finally, she put the pen down, revealing her plan of action for the surgery. It had taken its final form. Everything she needed to be extra mindful for, or any possible complication that could erupt. The rest would be luck, but she had a feeling. The boy will live.

“You’re impressive, Shepherd” smiled Kai, who was one of the few people in Amelia’s life who could truly understand her level of skill in the matter, how ingenious she truly was. The woman’s brain was one of a kind, similar to playing chess with a grandmaster. She was always three steps ahead on every front.

“It’s still going to be a complicated surgery.”

“You’re giving him the best shot you can, the rest is in his hands.”

Amelia nodded, pensively. She realized that Scout was now almost the same age she was when she lost her father, which hit way harder than she would’ve thought. ‘He’s so young’, she was so young when it happened. How could she have possibly processed all that information by herself as a kid? What did it mean for her, back then? Maybe it was for the grown-up version of herself to figure out. The boy needed to live in order to get to grieve, too. She needed to give him that chance.

“I think I need a meeting.”

-

Amelia woke up calmer than anticipated on the morning of the operation. The scans showed nothing new; the tumor hadn’t grown further, and the boy was cleared for surgery. From anesthesia to the very last stitch, which Amelia insisted on doing herself, everything went smoothly.

“He’s a very good kid, very curious” she commented to his mother’s attention later that day. “Recovery is just as important as the surgery itself. So far there’s not too much brain swelling, and we’re managing his pain so he can focus on healing, but seeing as he’s already up and talking I’m not too worried. Those are all very good signs. We’ll continue monitoring him for a couple of days, and he’ll be provided with physical therapy so he can keep rebuilding his motor skills. In the absence of complications, you guys will be home in no time.”

The other woman thanked her. Amelia smiled back politely before walking away, relief washing down her spine with each step. The need to hug her son filled her heart, like after every pediatric case she came upon. Being a doctor and a mother was a challenge. Ignorance was a bliss she didn’t get, especially after her first pregnancy.

From the moment she held that positive test in her hands to this very day, she couldn’t help but picture Scout exposed to every danger or the world. Every dumb accident she stumbled upon in the ER, every disease, every stupid brain tumor. Amelia couldn’t shield him of everything, and it hurt. Maybe her dad felt that way about her that day, in the store. The woman was now older than he ever got to be, but on the parenthood topic, she could’ve used his wisdom.

But Scout was on summer vacation with his dad right now. Maybe it was for the best. She had a lot to process, and silence had always been a good catalyst.

“Hi love.”

Of course. Every time Kai Bartley stepped into her vision, she would see the world through a golden hue. They too were expecting news from the surgery, waiting in the hospital hall, carrying a bottle of ginger ale. She took their arm, and the couple headed home as Amelia shared every detail. They laughed as she remarked the absence of hippocampus invasion, and smiled as she announced good margins. ‘Good’ they thought as their stare lingered on the beautiful lady expressing every bit of her inner dialogue, a wave of affection for her taking over their body.

At home, ginger ale was poured into the glasses, and Amelia refused to toast the boy’s survival, not before he truly was out of the wood. Instead, the couple celebrated themselves, their good work, and Amelia’s genius. Even in the late hours of the afternoon, the heatwave behaved unbelievably rudely. Coupled to the broken AC in Kai’s appartement, it was close to unbearable.

They were posted in the kitchen in front of the only fan Kai owned, both in their underwear and at a respectable distance from each other. Amelia was sitting on the counter, her now near empty glass not far next to her. The separation was much to the researcher’s dismay; they felt like taking their celebration to the next level. Kai leaned towards the neurosurgeon, their lips finding hers in a soft kiss. But after a second, she pulled away with a smile.

“I’m way too hot to do this right now” she announced, rolling her eyes at she saw Kai nodding in agreement to the first part of her sentence. “So unless you can find a way to fuck me without touching me…”

They scoffed. “I could, definitely. But that would be too easy, I have a better idea.”

“No more shower sex. I nearly slipped and broke my neck on your bathroom floor last time, remember?”

“That’s a very dramatic way to put it. But don’t worry I had something else in mind. Wanna try something new?”

Curiosity grabbed the surgeon’s attention, and she whispered a small ‘yes’ as her fingers went ahead to unclasp her bra. The woman tilted forward slightly, finding her lover’s lips once again. But this time, Kai was the one to pull away.

“I think it’s better if you’re blindfolded for this.”

Their comment only resulted in the heat between her legs growing stronger, in anticipation. Being kept in the unknown about Kai’s plans somehow only made it all the more exciting for the woman. Her eyes followed her partner as they went to retrieve the black blindfold they kept in the bedroom.

The bra quickly fell from her shoulders while the researcher adjusted the blindfold over her eyes. Her hands came to rest on the counter, giving Kai complete access. The scientist made the most of it, their soft lips kissing their way from her neck to her collarbones before finally finding one of her nipples. She could feel them smile against her skin.

Under their touch, the neurosurgeon’s breathing quickly grew heavier. Being deprived from her sight heightened all her other senses, forcing Amelia to focus on the researcher’s presence only. The heat of their body around hers, the faint feeling of their previous kisses on her skin, the burning sensation where their lips were working, she could feel them everywhere. Everywhere, except where she needed them most.

Her back arched in the hope that her core would find their thigh, or that Kai would at least understand what she demanded. And they did, their hand making its way up her inner thigh, their nails lightly scraping the sensitive skin in an almost tingling sensation. To the surgeon’s surprise, the contact was almost immediate. Kai’s hand reached her core in a rough but swift motion over her slit through her underwear. The harsh pressure ripped a pleasured moan from Amelia, only followed by a frustrated one as Kai’s presence pulled away.

The woman’s hips moved in search for more, but to no avail. More than that, Kai’s actions over her breasts had stopped, leaving her to wait for their next step. She thought about looking for them using her hands, but ultimately decided against it, instead using her hearing to try and decipher what her partner was doing. She could hear them move next to her, their harden breathing from their own anticipation and… the sound of ice cubes colliding against one another at the bottom of a glass? Oh. Oh.

That deduction made the first contact a little less surprising, though not any less harsh. The surgeon’s mouth fell open and her abs tensed as Kai’s fingers guided the cold ice from her navel and up her sternum before tracing her collarbones. The chilly trail of melted water it left behind felt even colder under the soft blow of the ventilator, and she shivered as a drop ran along the base of her neck. The sensation was sharp, almost numbing. But from the moment their started kissing her neck, pleasure started to bloom.

The contrast between the warmth of their mouth and the chillness of the ice cube now heading down her chest was such an intense feeling. It made every one of Kai’s soft touches stronger, better, and soon the woman couldn’t keep her whimpers to herself anymore. Her hand came to find their hair, and despite the blindfold, she could feel the researcher’s eager gaze locked on her.

The neurosurgeon couldn’t help but shiver as the ice reached the sensitive skin of her ribs, right under her left breast. But Kai wasn’t done drawing the path. They led it up to rest against her nipple, still sensitive from their previous action with their mouth, and held it there just a few seconds. But that short amount of time was more than enough for Amelia’s body to react, jerking softly under the contact, accompanied by mixed cries of both protest and pleasure.

The hardening of her nipples followed the biting feeling, so much that it left for a pinching sensation. As her noises grew more desperate, Kai let out a soft laugh before replacing the ice cube with their mouth. The quick substitution of the ice cube and Kai’s tongue allowed for relief, somehow making her pleasure way fiercer.

“It still kind of taste like ginger ale” they remarked before finding the surgeon’s lips. The kiss felt electric, much more intense now. She needed so much more. “Does it feel good?”

“Please keep going.”

The blindfold was barely needed anymore, her eyes staying closed in appreciation of every contact by themselves. Kai reached for another ice cube, guiding it with their mouth this time. They slowly traced down her stomach before running along her hip bone, their hot breath like a steady rhythm along the way. Amelia followed their path by a hand tangled into their hair, her thighs spreading as her partner got closer to that area. The sensitivity of her skin made it hard to stay still, leaving Kai amused with every sudden twitch of her muscles. But as they started licking and kissing every part they wetted with melted ice, the sudden warmth was met by Amelia’s raw moans, only getting more desperate as they approached her core.

The researcher smirked as they noticed just how wet their partner already was through her underwear. Maybe with a slight malicious intent, they brought the ice to slid carefully along her slit, still covered by the fabric. Kai knew better than making direct contact with such a sensitive area, but playing with their lover just a little bit couldn’t hurt, right?

The surgeon’s reaction was imminent; heavy exhales, the grip in Kai’s hair tightening. The chill only made the heat in her abdomen grow stronger. Taking the woman’s underwear off gave the neuroscientist more room to work and before fetching a final ice cube, they kissed Amelia’s lower stomach gently, their still cold lips making her sigh deeply under the touch as they kneeled between her legs.

Deciding on teasing their partner for just a little while longer before rewarding her, Kai guided the ice from her pubis to follow the sensitive skin between her thigh and labia majora. But it wasn’t so much teasing anymore as every contact felt deeply pleasurable for Amelia. Her oxytocin-filled brain would make even the faintest contact reverb through her body with such depth, the only coherent thought she could form forbad Kai to stop.

Each time they seemed to get closer to her entrance, Amelia would shiver, both of desire and anxiety they would fully commit. Not a bad anxiety, more of an uncertain curiosity her horniness indefinitely fed into. She knew Kai wouldn’t go further without explicit permission. So, she guided their fingers to her entrance, a muttered ‘please’ making its way through her lips.

When Kai pushed the ice in, her brain seemed to freeze. The chilliness took over her pelvis, and Amelia stayed attentive. She feared she would get overwhelmed, or that the deep contrast in temperature would burn, but none of this came. Instead, the sensory experience only brought more pleasure, soon followed by the feeling of water dripping out and onto her partner’s fingers. She didn’t even seem to realize how loud she was getting in her sensitive state.

But Kai definitely noticed, and was enjoying it profusely. Soon, they pushed another half-melted ice cube into the woman, the deep moans she was letting out contributing to their own excitation. Two fingers followed, and Amelia thought she might die as Kai’s tongue started venturing so close to her clit.

When they finally committed, the surgeon couldn’t help the loudness of her moans. Her partner had always proven talented to get her in that restless state, where she was so sensitive and yearning that the smallest thing could send her over the edge. With the blindfold, she had nothing else to focus on than her partner’s actions, and their sounds. God, their sounds. Kai’s soft moans made it appear as if they were too on the verge of orgasm from giving her pleasure alone.

Slowly, the neurosurgeon started losing control. Her sounds grew desperate, her walls occasionally contracting around their fingers. She was so close she nearly cried when Kai took their fingers out, and their tongue stopped its work. Instead, they came to clean the water dripping along her thighs, leaving Amelia breathing hard, frustrated. Her grip into the researcher’s hair hardened, trying so hard to make them refocus their attention where she needed it most. But the weakness of her body had reached her arms, and apart from ripping a hard moan out of Kai as she tugged on their hair, they stayed steady, enjoying the way their girlfriend’s hips would move desperately in search for more pleasure.

Forced to admit defeat, she tried to focus on her breathing instead, and sighed in relief as Kai was making their way up her thighs again. The heat in her abdomen started building up again as soon as the researcher reached her entrance, circling it carefully with their tongue, so much that Amelia started missing the ice. But that thought was long forgotten when Kai pushed their tongue in, using their arms to pull the woman’s hips closer against their face.

The skill of their work, the noises they were making, and the over-sensitive state she was in; Amelia’s heart was racing. Drops of sweat were running along her neck, and the shaking of her lower body as Kai was devouring her felt suffocating. Their nails were digging into her thigh as she was reaching the edge, again, but worry scratched into her chest as she realized her lover wasn’t redirecting their attention to her clit. She wouldn’t, couldn’t come from the stimulation Kai was currently giving her alone, and they knew it as well. They intended to push her to the very edge, waiting for her desperate moans to grow into screams, for her praising to turn into begging. Show her exactly how eager they were to worship her past all bounds.

Amelia loved when Kai took control like that. They would show her pleasure she couldn’t bring to herself, guide her to relax into their touch in a way the woman hadn’t experienced before. It was nuanced, new, reaching impossible skies. Only they knew how to give her a high that would reverb through her entire body. Giving up control was exhausting, something the neurosurgeon was deeply unused to, but Kai sure knew how to make it worth it. But in that moment, she couldn’t take it anymore.

“Kai-…”

Her strangled voice was enough, they instantly knew. Carefully, the researcher stopped their movements to stand up in front of their partner. Her free arm could barely keep her upright on the counter anymore as the other wrapped around Kai’s shoulders for balance. Her expression was indescribable, but it told them everything they needed to know.

With one hand, they cupped Amelia’s crimson red cheek, and took the blindfold off with the other. Almost immediately, her head fell to rest against the scientist’s neck, and they kissed her temple softly, holding her trembling body against theirs as they waited for Amelia to catch her breath.

“Was it too much?” they asked, concerned, but trying to keep their tone soothing.

“Yeah… You’d be surprised just how sensitive an ice cube can make you” she said in a soft laugh, her body slowly relaxing into her partner’s arms.

“I’m sorry I got carried away. I’ll be more careful next time.”

Finally, Amelia’s head turned to look into their eyes. Her soft smile allowed for their anxiety to rest, but she was the one deserving of praises and reassurance right now.

“Thank you for telling me when to stop, you did a really good job” they added, punctuating their sentence with a kiss. “Do you want me to run you a bath?”

“Bartley, you don’t think you’re getting out of this that easily, do you?” she answered with a smirk. “I’m still expecting you to finish what you started.”

Her legs were tightly fastened around Kai’s hips, and she was staring up at them with a look that could’ve killed them on the spot. Pleased to serve, the researcher didn’t need her to repeat herself, instead repositioning their hands under Amelia’s thighs to carry her to bed.

They let her down on the mattress like she was the most precious thing in existence, marking a pause to take off their binder before positioning themselves on top of the surgeon. This time, Kai went slowly, caressing each part of her body with a softness that made their partner melt. Her previous sensitivity hadn’t disappeared, and each of their touch would send warm waves of pleasure into her spine. The both were sweaty and way too hot, but they couldn’t be bothered to care.

There was familiarity, safety, affection, and Amelia realized it reminded her of the very first time the couple had sex, back in the researcher’s loft in Minnesota. Already back then, the neuroscientist would carry her to bed and worship every part of her body, make Amelia feel like being in her presence was the greatest thing life had to offer. And as time went by, they learned each other’s bodies, and the confidence to explore further came with the trust they developed for one another.

But seeing as Kai ventured too far for the very first time, they decided on taking the next part slow. Going back to the basics. Complimenting every inch of her skin by a caress or a kiss, very gently, very organically, like they were getting to know her for the very first time all over again. Anything to help Amelia reach that high she was so patiently awaiting, even if it meant going back to the very start. Sensing they must need it, the surgeon didn’t hesitate on complimenting each of their actions with a soft praise. ‘I love when you do this’, ‘please keep going’, ‘it’s okay, I trust you’, ‘I love to hear your voice’, and so on until she could tell Kai was getting just as worked up as she was.

Now that the blindfold was off, Amelia could take a better look at her partner. Their cheeks were bright red, their breathing ragged and the muscles of their shoulders tensed as they sometimes got when Kai was right on edge. It always was an impressive sight to admire just how close they could get from giving pleasure to Amelia alone, but one she could understand. Seeing them in the light of pleasure was one of her kinks as well.

“Kai, baby?” she asked to catch their attention, and they barely looked up from her hip which they were kissing, always with that same softness. “I want you to make yourself cum for me, before you make me.”

Their expression translated confusion, the horniness acting like a fog in their brain where their sharp thinking skills usually lied. 

“I wanna hear you, and see you, and feel you against my skin when you do. Please.” Her gaze was not leaving them, begging, exactly like Kai had been looking for. She pushed them down on the bed, straddling their hips, only now realizing the fabric of their boxer was soaking wet.

“O-Okay” they whispered awkwardly, their voice rough from the extend of their activities, and the surprise from their partner’s demand. Her touch on their chest made Kai realized just how close they were, they just needed the neurosurgeon’s permission to finally let go.

The woman leaned down, kissing their neck as she grinded down on the researcher’s hips for a couple seconds before retrieving a small vibrator from their nightstand drawer. Their favorite one, who had accompanied them so many times during phone sex, back in their long-distance days. If that made the neuroscientist blush, their cheeks were certainly already too red to tell the difference.

With the woman’s help, they took their boxers off before meeting her lips in a deep kiss as Amelia turned on the toy and placed it gently against their clit. They moaned into her mouth, their sounds deep and rough in that familiar fashion that drove the surgeon crazy. But just as she upped the toy’s intensity, Kai’s hands found her hips, guiding her down. Understanding their intent, Amelia looked back at them with a mischievous smile.

It took some maneuvering, but she finally found a comfortable angle where they could both benefit from the deep vibrations. The contact of their tangled legs together and Kai’s hand supporting her hips only added to her pleasure, but the woman lost it as they started kissing her forehead. She could feel their abs tensing under her fingers, and their moans going straight to her ears.

Amelia was done waiting, quickly getting restless under the stimulation from the sensitivity of her senses. In a desperate effort to pursue that final relief, the woman started grinding on the toy with shorts movements to keep it in place, but deep pressure which repercussed directly on Kai. Their nails were digging on the flesh of her sides in a silent beg for more, their head crashing on the nearest pillow. That only encouraged the neurosurgeon to keep on going, pushing herself past the bounds of fatigue.

Kai was the first to come in a strangled moan. It felt as if their heart was going to jump out of their chest, their grip onto Amelia just enough to keep them grounded to reality. Their high was all the more powerful from the beautiful lady pursuing her own release against their core, failing to give them a break, and pretty soon their legs were shaking from the never-ending sensory experience.

Breathing through the overstimulation was hard, but they were willing to give anything for their partner to finally reach her own high. And if she needed to use their overwhelmed body to do so, Kai was more than happy to provide. The neurosurgeon’s eyes were closed, her mouth left open in the middle of a focused expression. Her built-up of pleasure was accompanied by a tightness in her chest. One brought on by Kai’s love for edging her, leaving her as strained as the string of a bow, kept on tension eternally.

And suddenly, the world ceased to exist. Her orgasm teared through her like lighting, and her body stopped fighting. She fully abandoned herself in Kai’s arms as the waves of pleasure rippled through her, the contact of their skin burning hers like a reward. The relief was so immense Amelia feared for a second she was going to choke on air. But even as her high was going down, her pleasure was prolonged by Kai’s loving hand stroking her hair, the other one resting on her back. She could still feel her heart beating like a madman, but at last, she could relax.

“I love you” they whispered as they kissed her hair, loving those moments where Amelia was theirs only, allowing herself to fully relax in their arms.

She muttered something similar to an ‘I love you’ before burying her nose against their neck, breathing them in like a drug.

“If you need me to help you clean yourself up, you’re gonna have to move” they laughed, but hugging Amelia a little tighter, enjoying the way her weight felt over their body.

“Just stay and cuddle for a while” the surgeon finally declared.

They nodded, holding her tight and whispering small praises in her ear. They told them how good she was for them, how they loved how strong and beautiful she was, how thankful they were to have her. And Amelia reciprocated, telling them how grateful she was to have them as well, and how perfect they always were whenever she gave them her full unconditional trust.

After a while, Kai carried Amelia to the bathroom where they showered together, and they once again took responsibility for changing the sheets and putting away the toy. The cleaning up in the kitchen could wait, because they had the perfect idea to tie the aftercare all together.

When they went to find Amelia, she was leaning against the bathroom counter wrapped in a towel, looking into the void. She quickly snapped out of her thoughts as she saw the neuroscientist enter.

“I was just thinking. I’m exhausted, today was exhausting, but I don’t know if I can sleep right now.”

“Then just let me take care of you” they simply answered with a smile.

She put on one of Kai’s boxers as pajamas, and smiled softly as she saw the little jar of massage oil waiting on the bed.  

“What’s this?” she asked, and they could read the gratefulness in her eyes.

“I just figured you had a hard day, that’s the least I can do.”

The least Kai could do was way above what anyone had ever done for Amelia. So she sat on the bed, facing away from them as they spread some of the liquid over her shoulders, their long fingers running into her dark hair to tie them up and get them out of the way.

She started humming softly as they started untying the muscles knots of her upper back, her mind going completely blank as she appreciated the contact. It smelled like lavender, which she realized as their fingers were tracing the base of her neck. Every time they would pass over her spine, her eyes closed. The woman was thankful Kai couldn’t see her face, because she was wearing the dumbest smile in affection for her partner.

She realized Link never gave her that kind a treatment, never going further than just fetching a towel for her and occasionally cuddling, but she did treasure those conversations. Meanwhile, Owen would just turn away and go to sleep. Ryan didn’t stay long enough to give her a proper impression, especially of his sober self, but one thing was sure. And it took Amelia her entire life to figure it out.

She realized she couldn’t count the number of times she had to fake it, and how many nights she felt abandoned once the interesting part was over. For the longest time, Amelia had to convinced herself it was normal to feel a little depressed after sex as all those beautiful hormones who were just filling her brain seconds prior suddenly went away. She was a neurosurgeon, she knew how those things worked, right?

It took for Amelia to meet Kai to truly understand the importance of aftercare. It wasn’t a privilege, but, as Kai so simply stated, ‘the bare minimum’. She was truly conscious they always took it to the next level though. But for the first time, she could abandon herself freely. And they would be in charge of making the space for her to have the best time possible, make sure communication was flowing and that she was feeling safe and loved. Take advantage of the very last drops of those magical hormones before going back to their regular lives. They taught Amelia a lot, and she enjoyed returning the favor.

Chapter Text

One, two…

Three, four, five, six…

Seven.

Seven, good.

Amelia sighed in relief as she put the cigarette pack back into the coat’s pocket. One of Kai’s, one they hardly ever wore; a hideout of choice for their dirty little secret. The woman felt bad about snooping through their stuff. The researcher was an adult, perfectly capable of making decisions about their own body. If they wanted to be a smoker, she probably didn’t have her word to say about it. But Amelia was starting to realize; the occasional smoking was more than that.

First of all, it was a habit Kai kept secret from her. Well, mostly. The couple proud themselves in knowing each other so well, calling it overcommunication wouldn’t be hyperbolic. And while Kai had opened up about the smoking a few times, they did not ever reveal it was still an ongoing habit. The neuroscientist kept the details hidden from Amelia, only referring to it as a thing of the past.

The surgeon, however, caught up with the lie about eight months ago. She figured Kai had their own reason for keeping it in the shadows. Maybe because she was a doctor and they feared a lesson on lung cancer, or because she was a parent and would maybe scold them for entertaining such a bad habit near her son. Eventually, Kai would come clean to her, right? Except that time did not come. Instead, she observed the same pattern repeat.

Every time work or life would become stressful, Kai would buy a new pack, go through it carefully over a two weeks period, then stop for a month or two. Each time a new pack would make its appearance into the coat’s pocket, Amelia knew it as a sign her partner was going through a lot. And the repeated stopping and starting again was a clear pattern of battling with that silent addiction. That was Amelia’s second point; smoking seemed to be more than an unhealthy pleasure for the neuroscientist.

So, instead of pushing them to open up about a so clearly difficult subject, she observed it from afar. The woman knew better than anyone what battling with one’s own shame felt like, and maybe if she hadn’t had her own history with addiction, she would’ve forced a confrontation sooner. Instead, she kept quiet, until her observations made her realize something had changed lately. Kai’s current pack had been stuck to its last seven cigarettes for over three weeks now.

The car ride to the hospital was a silent one. Kai always dropped Amelia off when she spent the night over at their place, but their most recent lack of sleep didn’t leave them in the chattiest mood in the morning. The lab had been particularly busy these last few weeks. ‘In a good way’, they had mentioned. So good in fact that the research had been transferred to a bigger pharmaceutical company, and its advancements were now to be kept secret from the public to keep concurrent hands away.

This change reflected into the researcher’s behavior. While they were busier, they were also happier. Their work is their life, their baby, Amelia remembered. And she couldn’t be happier for them to finally reach that awaited breakthrough.

As she paced through the long hospital hallways, she couldn’t help her worry from simultaneously growing. Sure, smoking wasn’t nearly as bad as oxy, but seeing her partner’s addiction be so related to Kai’s ongoing life events couldn’t be good. Change put addicts at risk for relapse, she knew. And while the neuroscientist wasn’t at risk of overdosing on nicotine, they were clearly struggling. And so she wondered; is now the right time to propose her help?

The surgeon slipped the golden chain under her navy scrub top before heading towards the pediatric wing. She seemed to spend an unreasonable amount of time there, recently. But that new pediatrics attending was attracting the hardest cases in the country, and a number of them involved neurosurgery to a level that couldn’t be delegated. And so, Amelia found herself to spend a lot of time working with Monica Beltran.

“Shepherd, we were waiting for you” she greeted with a smile, handing her a tablet already set on today’s patient’s medical records.

The neurosurgeon introduced herself to the family before letting her eyes fall on the device. When the case was first presented to her, a mix of wonder and anticipation caught her chest. She had never seen so many intercranial aneurysms in a patient this young. The associated risks of the boy’s vascular disease discouraged previous neurosurgeons from performing the usual procedure, but after cautiously planning the surgery with her colleague, Amelia was confident.

“Rest assured that Sam is in good hands” she finally announced to the parents’ attention, trying to ignore Monica’s gaze on her. “I’ll do my absolute best work.”

As both attendings stepped out of the room to let the pre-op work to the interns, Monica took the other woman’s arm and guided her down the hallway. Amelia barely questioned it before they reached the attending lounge.

“Whatever’s going on, spit it out. There’s a little boy out there who cannot afford to have you distracted in the OR.”

“Oh” Amelia let out, a smile replacing the ongoing dialogue in her brain. Maybe her poker face wasn’t as good as she thought. “I’m fine! It’s just… my partner’s going through something and I don’t know how I can help. I guess it’s been taking a lot of space in my mind today. Don’t worry though, it won’t keep me from being as excellent as I always am” she added, teasingly, hoping to ease up Monica’s preoccupations.

“Coffee?”

“Please.”

The neurosurgeon settled on the couch while the coffee was brewing, expecting the other doctor to want to go over the surgical plan one last time. Instead, the pediatric surgeon ventured into more personal lanes.

“Maybe you need to ask her directly what she needs. Or just be there while she figures it out.”

“They. Their pronouns are they. And it’s not that kind of something. They’re actually doing pretty good, which is why I think it’s a good time to try and address some issues.”

“Sorry, when you said ‘partner’ I just assumed you had a secret, closeted lesbian lover and was trying to keep it professional.”

Amelia laughed as she grabbed the warm cup of coffee Monica was handing her. Secret lesbian lover, in this hospital? Beltran hadn’t been there long enough to know exactly how everything was everyone’s business at Grey-Sloan, it seemed. Something about sitting around coffee in early fall made the neurosurgeon want to tell her colleague more. Maybe it was time for the two women to get to know each other better.

“It’s been going on a while, and somehow, they never talked to me about it. So I guess I’m scared to overstep by directly asking.”

“You’re being really vague here, Shepherd. Just so you know, your secrets are safe with me. I’m not sure I’m the person you want relationship advices from though” she commented, with an ironic tone similar to one Amelia could’ve used.

“And why is that?” she asked, suddenly feeling curious.

Beltran let out a sigh, nonetheless giving her an answer. “I’m going through a pretty rocky divorce with my ex-wife right now. It’s complicated.”

‘It’s complicated, message received’ thought the neurosurgeon as she redirected the conversation.

“If I start telling you about every inner monologue I have about my relationship, you’ll never hear the end of it. It’s one of the absolute best, healthiest, most special relationship I’ve ever been a part of. I don’t even know why I’m obsessing so much about that one detail. I guess I just care a lot about them, maybe too much” Amelia revealed, barely looking up from her cup. The smell of black coffee reminded her of Kai, and she truly couldn’t tell if her worry was normal, or a show of her overthinking brain once again getting too invested.

“To me, it sounds pretty normal to worry about your partner keeping secrets from you. Especially if said secret might affect them, and maybe you, negatively. Once again, don’t take what I’m saying too seriously. It might not be applicable to your situation. But that’s how my divorce started, by burying our respective fears deep down instead of just communicating like adults. If your relationship is as good as you’re saying it is, there’s no reason your partner should take your concerns badly. Especially when they come from a good place”

“That’s actually pretty good advice” commented the neurosurgeon, feeling reassured. Monica was right, she had no reason to fear having this conversation with Kai. “I’m sorry I called you a bitch when we first met.”

“You… never called me a bitch?”

“I did, in my head, when you were mad I took your parking spot.”

Monica laughed. “Well, in this case I’m sorry I called you a bitch in my head as well. You’re actually a pretty cool person to be around, and to work with.”

“Glad to hear that.”

That day of work seemed to go by usually fast with Monica by her side. Together, they operated on the aneurysm patient successfully. Then, they did the final post-op visit of a tumor patient they worked on together, who was now in perfect health. Her day ended with a six hours long spinal surgery who left her feeling drained, craving a hot shower and her couch. But before going home, she intended to go to a meeting. Seeing the now tumor-free blue-eyes boy again triggered a feeling of relief deep withing the woman, a relief that somehow felt suffocating. As Amelia passed by the ER on her way out, the pediatrician’s voice called out for her.

“Hey Shepherd, wait for me!”

Amelia halted and turned around with a smile. “Beltran, I’m going to start thinking you’re following me.”

The woman had too changed out of her scrubs, forcing the neurosurgeon into admitted to herself she looked gorgeous.

“Nice necklace” Monica commented, making Amelia snap out of her thoughts. “Is it real gold?”

Amelia smirked. “Remind me to never leave it lying around in your presence.” Her path was put to a stop as she patted her pocket for her car keys. Right, Kai had dropped her off this morning. It was still too early to ask them to pick her up, especially with how busy they had been at the lab lately. She’ll have to walk, or take the bus. No, walking, definitely walking.

“Are you alright Shep’?” Monica asked, who was now waiting for her by the door.

“Shep’? What kind of nickname is that?” commented Amelia in a small laugh before joining her colleague. “No it’s nothing, I just remembered my car is still at my partner’s place.”

“Do you need a ride?”

The neurosurgeon hesitated for a second at the question, but as they stepped out into the parking, the few drops of rain falling on her face made the decision for her.

“Actually yes, if that’s okay.”

As she settled into the passenger seat of the pediatric surgeon’s car, she couldn’t help but notice a pile of star stickers in the cup holder. Beltran was obviously in love with her job, at least just as much as Amelia was. But the smile who made its way on her face quickly disappeared as the other woman asked the neurosurgeon for where they were headed.

Amelia opened her mouth, but no sounds came out. She couldn’t ask Monica to drive her to a meeting. Not that the surgeon was ashamed of her addiction, but she didn’t feel like having this discussion right now. If she were to ask her colleague to drive her home, Amelia would need to confront the absence of her son, and worse of all, her nephew’s nasty habit of leaving dirty dishes lying around.

“You okay Shepherd? You remember where you live, right?” Finally asked Monica as she handed Amelia her phone.

She nodded as she typed Kai’s address into the app. The researcher wouldn’t be home for hours, but Socrates’ company felt like a better option than Lucas’ right now. But right as the pediatric surgeon was about to start the car, the phone screen lit up with an incoming call from a certain Adriana.

Monica let out a long sigh before picking up the call. “Sorry, it’s my ex-wife.”

Amelia did her best not to overhear the call, but the series of basic answers she was getting from Monica didn’t leave her with the slightest hint of the conversation anyways.

“Hey. Yeah sure, that’s fine. Yeah okay. Mh-mh.” Monica’s eyebrows scrunched in a mid-focused, mid-annoyed way as she mimicked a silent scream which made the neurosurgeon laugh. Another minute passed before she hung up the phone.

“Everything alright?” inquired Amelia as the other woman was pulling out of the parking spot.

“Yeah it’s just… She was in town for a few days for a kid’s surgery and, so I’m let her stay at my place. It turns out, her flight back tonight got cancelled so she’s staying an extra night. We’re still in somehow, eh, good terms, but I’m still not looking forward to going home and having to spend another evening with her. Things have been pretty awkward since she slept with that one intern.”

“What?”

“Don’t ask.”

A few seconds of silence passed. Maybe it was the weird moment or the exhaustion, but suddenly Amelia couldn’t keep her laughter to herself anymore. The anxiety of being inappropriate didn’t stop her in the slightest bit and soon, her face started hurting.

“I’m so sorry” she ultimately managed to get out between two breathes, burying her face in her hands. “It’s just… your ex-wife comes to stay at your place in the middle of your divorce, then sleeps with an intern from your hospital, extends her stay and doesn’t even think to go spend the night at a hotel instead? I don’t know what kind of relationship you two have, but if my ex-husband pulled that on me, I wouldn’t have been so understanding.”

To Amelia’s relief, Monica started laughing with her, even accidentally slamming the horn with her hand which only made the two women crackle louder.

“Yeah, she’s… audacious, for sure.”

The neurosurgeon wiped a tear from her eye and tried to regain composure as they approached Kai’s street, which sparked an idea into her head.

“Do you wanna stay for coffee or something? That way you’ll get to avoid your ex-wife for a little bit longer, and I really wanna hear the whole story of how shit went down between you two. If that’s okay with you, of course.”

“You know what? That sounds great.”

Pretty soon, the two women were up in Kai’s appartement, coats discarded on the couch as Amelia listened attentively to her colleague’s love story. The both of them met in Monica’s former hospital in Texas, where Adriana’s job led her to accompany foster kids there quite often until eventually, the woman asked the surgeon out. Together, it appeared that their whole life was revolving around kids. And when the discussions around having their own started, they slowly started to realize this would only ever be an idea.

They had disparities about everything. IVF or adopting, this or that type of education, which should sacrifice their career the most. The fights never seemed to end, until finally they both agreed that this could never work. Either they had to give up on the dream of having kids or their marriage, and Amelia knew how that story ended.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. I mean, yeah it’s kind of been a mess, but I’ll come out of this alive. By the way your place is beautiful, and suspiciously tidy. Don’t you have a kid of your own?”

“I do, Scout. He’s with his dad right now, and I can assure you my place isn’t anywhere as tidy as this apartment right now. This is actually my partner’s place, they’re the one who decorated everything. Though I suppose I practically live here as well. I’ve been crashing here most of my child-free nights ever since my nephew moved in. He’s an intern at Grey-Sloan actually. Adams?”

“Adams’ a Shepherd?” replied Monica in a chuckle. “That’s quite the legacy to live up to.”

“Sure is” added Amelia, not attempting to hide her pride.

“Is everyone somehow related in this hospital?”

Amelia only replied with yet another laugh. Under Monica’s gaze questioning her further, the neurosurgeon thought about getting the white board. A simple oral explanation just couldn’t cover the absolute chaos going on at Grey-Sloan.

“Are you sure you want the complete, unedited answer? Because this might take a while.”

Hours later, the fumbling of keys from the other side of the front door forced the two women back to reality. Monica’s head turned, almost annoyed to be interrupted during such a good story. The pediatric surgeon was now deeply invested in Amelia’s tale of her marriage with Owen, especially around the Betty and Leo chapter, commenting on each of the trauma surgeon’s actions and somehow confused on how the man somehow managed to get remarried after proving himself such a bad husband. But the end of this story would have to wait for another time as Kai walked into the apartment.

“H… Hi?” they said with a polite smile, tired and somehow confused by Beltran’s presence.

“Hey” answered Amelia as she headed towards the entryway to greet her partner, her cheeks still red from laughing so much with her colleague. “Oh Kai, this is Monica Beltran. Monica, my partner, Kai Bartley.”

“Dr. Kai Bartley, nice to finally meet you” corrected Kai as they extended a hand toward the other woman.

The researcher had heard extensively about the pediatric surgeon, even once worked with Amelia on one of their procedures, but a weird feeling arose into their stomach upon walking in on the two doctors in their own living room.

She shook it, still half chucking from Amelia’s dramatic chronicles. “You seem way nicer than Owen Hunt” she simply said, pulling yet another laugh from the neurosurgeon.

Kai however did not share the laugh. Part of their stoic stance came from their exhaustion, but also from pre-existing knowledge about the character. A vivid memory of a long conversation with a crying Amelia opening up about all the ways that man hurt her was the first to come to mind. Despite being well aware that the two were now friends and in good terms, they still had their reserves about the trauma surgeon.

“I’m just gonna shower and go to bed if that’s okay Amelia, I don’t wanna interrupt… whatever is going on” expressed Kai upon seeing the whiteboard covered in all sorts of notes from the Grey-Sloan drama.

“What about dinner?” inquired their partner, suddenly grasping the situation she had forced them in.

Kai was exhausted beyond reason from working 14 hours a day without a real break for the last couple of weeks. And now here was Amelia, just squatting their appartement and inviting a friend over, a stranger nonetheless, without asking them first despite knowing exactly how important their alone time was to Kai. More than that, they were being loud, had made a mess out of the living room and all of that quite an unholy hour.

“Not hungry, don’t let me keep you from your fun though” they simply announced before walking into the bedroom, closing the door behind them. If Amelia didn’t know them so well, the interaction could’ve been mistaken for casual. But the neurosurgeon knew what aggravation looked like in her partner.

“Kai…”

Sensing the sudden tension, Monica stood up from the couch.

“It’s time for me to go home anyway” said the pediatric surgeon as she grabbed her coat and purse. “Thanks for tonight, Amelia. I had a great time. I’ll invite you over sometimes so you can finish telling me everything.”

Trying not to sound distracted, Amelia thanked as well and walked her colleague to the door. “Good luck with your ex-wife.”

“Well, now that I heard about the Grey-Sloan relationship drama, I’m all the more grateful for her. I needed that.”

Monica hugged her goodbye, much to Amelia’s surprise, before waving to someone behind her. The brunette turned around to see her partner standing in the bedroom doorway waving back with the same polite smile. Finally, she closed the door.

The couple stood in silence on opposite sides of the room for what seemed like an eternity until the surgeon finally broke the calm.

“Kai I’m so sorry, we truly didn’t see time go by. I should’ve warned you I was bringing her over.”

“It’s fine ‘melia I’m not mad, just really tired” they mumbled as they headed for the bathroom. It had been discreet, but Amelia perceived that small scrunching of their nose. A spasm she hadn’t observed often, but that Kai couldn’t help with when they lied.

She took advantages of the researcher’s shower to put the living room back in order and start cooking whatever she could find in the kitchen. Mac and cheese it is. Maybe right now wasn’t the right time to address the smoking after all.

Kai came out of the bathroom fifteen minutes later in just boxers, holding their shirt in front of them while looking over at their partner quietly. So much that it took a while for Amelia to notice them.

“Hey you. You’re still eating something, I don’t care. Come tell me about your day” she asked gently, during which she realized she wasn’t anxious at the idea of Kai being mad at her. Amelia was proud for finally having reached a headspace where she was so secure in her relationship, she knew they’d be alright. If someone had told her a single person could heal her fear of abandonment back when she first met Kai, she would have laughed in their face.

But Kai did not move. They looked away before taking in the slowest breath.

“Can you look at something for me, please?”

Instantly, all of Amelia’s attention redirected towards the neuroscientist. She made her way to them, trying not to worry before she had to. Kai’s hands shifted to reveal their chest. But in addition to the usual sore marks around their torso from their improper binder wear, they were now bearing a purple-ish bruise around their ribcage on their left side.  

“Do I need to like... x-ray it, or something?”

It took a lot of patience from Amelia to not immediately scold them, cover them in overly worried comments and burn the damn piece of cloth. Instead, she summoned her doctor persona, and with the gentlest hands she traced over their ribs, palping for fractures or displacement. Her eyes scanned Kai’s expression for signs of pain. They winced, but did not complain.

“How’s your breathing?”

“Normal.”

“Pain?”

“Looks worse than it feels.”

“Any limitation in movement?”

“Nope. Just kind of uncomfortable.”

The woman wasn’t an orthopedic surgeon in any way, so memories of med school and her intern years was all she could rely on. But for something as simple as a potential rib fracture, it was more than enough.

“How did this happen?”

Kai took longer to answer this time. “This morning, I did a weird movement and I felt pain, but I just noticed the bruising.”

“Didn’t you take your binder off then?”

“No… I know I should’ve, and that I’ve been wearing it way too much lately. I know I fucked up. I’m sorry.”

Amelia sighed, but decided that now was not the time for ‘I told you so’s. “It doesn’t look displaced, and rib fractures hurt like hell so I’m pretty sure you’re fine. But yeah I’d rather x-ray it to be cautious, and make sure you didn’t damage your ribs further by being an idiot.”

Kai just nodded, somehow agreeing on the ‘idiot’ part. “Can… I know this is stupid, but could this wait for tomorrow? I’m exhausted and I really don’t feel like spending hours waiting in an ER right now.”

Amelia sighed, again, but conceded. “I understand. We’ll just ice it for now, and no wearing your binder or even a sports bra until I say so.”

“Yes ma’am.”

They sat silently on the couch while Amelia brought them an ice pack and their dinner, Socks quickly settling on their lap. He did not run away when they turned the TV on, or on when Amelia sat next to them, much to her surprise. She couldn’t help but think that her partner was very similar to their pet, both in mannerism and behavior by moments. Sometimes preferring solitude, but the most affective to a few exclusive chosen ones. Avoidant when they were hurt or scared, running away when they were overwhelmed. But always there when the ones they cared about needed it.

“You’re staring, Shepherd.”

“I’m just thinking about how much I love you.”

Kai’s head turned away, blushing a little.

---

The next morning, a sharp cramp pulled Kai out of their profonde sleep. A quick glance across the room helped them get to their senses; with the absence of clock in the room, a glance to the sun slowly rising through a small space in their curtains was their best idea of the time. Their partner was still fast asleep, her breathing slow, cheek resting on the researcher’s arm. For some unknown reason, their alarm did not go off. Most likely, Amelia turned it off before Kai even had the chance to protest.

Then, the pulsing pain started again, rippling from their rib to the rest of their body, enough to give them the sharpest headache. Somehow, it was even stronger than the previous day, and the neuroscientist wondered how they would possibly be able to hide their true state from Amelia any longer. The only thing worse than enduring that ache would be making their lover worried.

They lied there for what seemed like an eternity, not being able to move in fear of waking up their partner, hence not being able to get that pain relief medicine they so desperately needed. Not having any distractions only seemed to make their discomfort more powerful, forcing them to focus on it like a knife to the throat. Then, like a miracle, Amelia turned around. It was their chance.

It would’ve been, if the simple action of lifting their upper body from the mattress wasn’t as excruciating. ‘Breath, go slowly’ Kai tried to convinced themselves as yet another whimper of pain tried to tore their way into their throat. Finally standing up didn’t give them the slightest sense of victory, especially as dizziness forced them to sit back down on the edge of the bed. They were out of breath, a hand lazily resting on their ribcage, not quite daring true contact.

Defeated, there was only one issue left out of this nightmare. “Amelia?”

The surgeon did not budge the first time, nor the second time Kai called for her, which somehow only added to the humiliation. On the third time, her eyes opened and her gaze came to rest on the researcher’s back. By the way their were holding themselves upright using the nightstand, something was wrong. Once again, remaining calm proved itself a challenge.

“Could you bring me something for the pain, please?” they asked, in a voice that only worried Amelia further. Kai’s voice in the morning was the neurosurgeon’s favorite sounds; husky, rough in a way that would make the woman melt every single time. But in that moment, it was broken.

Kai watched as their partner disappeared into the bathroom, her stress only recognizable through the hurried ruffling noises of the medicine cabinet. Amelia came back armed with a couple of pills and a glass of water, her expression of a seriousness that turned Kai’s insides to ice.

“Let me see.”

The pain of lifting their arm made it difficult, but Amelia didn’t help. The researcher wondered if it was a statement of respect or some sort of punishment from their partner, but deep down, they knew it was both. They held their t-shirt up as Amelia’s hand traced the bruised mark, now hot and swollen.

“I’m gonna help you put some pants on, we’re going to the ER.”

Where Kai was in clear discomfort, Amelia’s worry quickly died down. Swelling was normal and to be expected from a simple bruised rib. Still, the neurosurgeon was having a tough time finding a healthy balance between being overly worried and straight up avoidance.

The ER did not have a clock either, which made Kai wondered if it was intended for patients to not know how much time had truly passed since their arrival. Their phone however tracked the passing minutes for them. Even on a ‘slow’ morning, they had been waiting there for two hours. It was 8:34am when a familiar face walked in from the parking entrance.

“Hey Shepherd, isn’t this your day off?” asked Beltran, her smile quickly fading from her lips as she saw the researcher sitting behind the woman.

“Fine” replied Kai before their partner had a chance to intervene. They had tried to fight going to Grey-Sloan to avoid that exact situation. Being the Chief of Neuro’s partner didn’t help with staying anonymous in a moment where they so desperately wanted to be. But going to Seattle Presbyterian was absolutely out of the question for the surgeon.

Monica looked around as she grabbed a tablet. “Well, I got here early today to avoid you-know-who. So I do have some free time in my hands if I can help with anything.

“Aren’t you a pediatric doctor? We’re fine, thanks.” Their own tone surprised Kai as they didn’t intend to be that dismissive, but the pain had a way of making their patience run short.

“Well actually” interrupted Amelia as she grabbed Kai’s hand. “We would really appreciate it. I’ve considered smuggling them into the radiography room but I’m afraid to get scolded by Teddy for favoritism.”

“I’m gonna go change into scrubs, I’ll check if it’s free on the way” replied Beltran as she returned Amelia’s smile before heading down a hallway.

“Amelia…”

“Baby, you want Beltran, unless you’d rather have Link do it. Or worse, one of my interns, maybe my nephew.”

“Beltran is perfectly fine” they finally conceded at the idea of Amelia’s ex-boyfriend examining them. Or worse, touching them. Their last interaction with the man dated from a couple weeks ago when they went to pick up Scout while Amelia’s surgery ran late, and if they hadn’t had to live through it, they would have never believed small talk between two adults could possibly be so awkward.

When Monica returned a few minutes later, Amelia was gone. The neuro attending on call that day was running late and had Owen asked her to fill in on a neuro check for a MVC case. Reluctantly, Kai had reassured her it was okay for her to leave them alone for a while, they’d manage. But now that the pediatric surgeon was back, they kind of hoped for their partner to come back quickly.

“So, tell me what’s wrong” she inquired with a smile, which made Kai glad she wasn’t using her doctor voice. That only would’ve made the moment weirder.

“I kinda fucked up my rib” they explained as they lifted their t-shirt to reveal the bruise. “Amelia wants to get it x-rayed to be safe.”

Beltran went through the classic doctor questions as Kai slowly relaxed, realizing that their interaction wouldn’t be as weird as they had anticipated. Maybe it was because the woman worked in pediatrics, or it could simply be a trait of her personality, but Beltran truly had a way of making people at ease around her. This allowed the researcher take a closer look at the woman who was haunting their conversations with their partner for the last few weeks.

Beltran was indeed gorgeous, more than Kai had realized the previous day, and she had a way of drawing people to her in just a few words. Even through the latex gloves, her touch was both soft and deliberate, somewhat like Amelia’s. The researcher wondered if this was something their partner had noticed about her colleague before, or if this was just a common symptom of being a skilled surgeon.

“By the way, I’m sorry about yesterday. I didn’t mean to intrude or anything.”

“You’re fine, Beltran. There’s no way you could’ve known this was a bad night.”

Truth was, Kai was still having troubles putting words on the tight feeling that was filling their chest. Or rather, they couldn’t quite assume it was jealousy.

The researcher wasn’t the jealous type by any means. But as they started to hear Beltran’s name more and more often from Amelia’s lips, Kai started to wonder. Were they ever allotted the same treatment from the woman back in Minnesota, when the two just started dating? Was it normal for a friend to praise the skills of one’s hands (is this how surgeons flirt?). And where Kai was happy for their partner to grow new friendships at first, progressively, they started to wonder if there was something there they should be worried about.

Kai blamed their own insecurities, and their newfound love for therapy allowed them to catch rather quickly the repeating pattern of isolating themselves every time those resurfaced. Their therapist recommended, once again, communication, and that maybe meeting the woman would be a good idea. A way to prevent their brain from drifting to the worse scenario on their own.

She couldn’t have known that first meeting would only make their insecurities grow. Yesterday, Kai saw what their feared. The two colleagues together, sharing jokes on a common ground the neuroscientist would never be a part of. They saw an Amelia who for a moment nearly forgot they existed at all, not even thinking to give them a warning they were bringing someone over, and their brain couldn’t stop thinking that maybe she kept it a secret for a reason.

All of those fears were irrational of course, they knew it. They just couldn’t quite convince themselves those were just fears. And now that the pediatric surgeon was right there, she just appeared nice, caring, perfectly comfortable around Kai. The researcher truly couldn’t tell if they found it reassuring, or if it just made it all worse.

“I’ll take you in for a chest x-ray, do you want me to call Amelia?”

“Uh, yes, please” they mumbled, suddenly taken out of their thoughts. The way their partner’s name sounded in her mouth just felt disturbing.

The hospital gown was probably the least sexy attire Kai had ever worn in their entire life, which didn’t help them feel confident in front of the pediatrician. The chest x-ray in itself was quite a weird situation to find yourself in. But it was made all the worse by the two women’s laughs coming from the other side of the protective screen. Their brain was filled by two voices. One screaming at them to be worried, mad, angry even. And the other grounding them, reminding them it was okay to be insecure as long as they handled it like an adult, that it was normal for their patience to run short when they were in so much discomfort.

The moment the x-ray was done, Amelia brought Kai their sweat-shirt back. The neurosurgeon’s mission was on dysphoria management right now, especially as she could tell Kai was slowly getting quiet, disconnecting. They winced as her hands glazed their sides while helping them pass the piece of cloth over their shoulders before coming to rest on both sides of their face.

“We’re almost done, I promise. We’ll pick up some food on the way home and then we’ll have the day all to ourselves.”

Kai smiled, relaxing into the touch. “There’s something I wanna talk to you about.”

“I know about the smoking.”

Their eyes locked, the confusion filling the green ones quickly contaminating Amelia’s blues.

“That’s not… what-“

“Oh okay that’s not what this is about. Well, shit.”

The last of Amelia’s comment was so perfectly timed, Kai couldn’t help but laugh. Their hand quickly came to their rib as the laughter turned into a whine of pain. Their stare came to find their partner’s again, and found nothing but love.

The second they allowed themselves to drown into the bluest eyes, their worries disappeared. She was theirs and they were hers. Never had Kai seen her look at someone the way she was looking at them right now. It was the most special thing in the whole universe, and it was Kai’s privilege, theirs alone.

“Hey, lovebirds, get a room!”

The couple abruptly turned around, like teenagers caught making out in secret.

“Am I supposed to wait outside while someone interprets the results or something?” Kai asked, grabbing one of Amelia’s hands as they fell to their shoulders.

“I’m the damn Chief of Neuro and I want my couch, so no, we will not bother to wait for a radiologist.”

“I can’t explain it but that’s really fucking hot.”

“Me commanding my space in my hospital? Hell yeah it is” she smiled.

“Amelia, can you come look at this please?” asked Beltran from behind the computer screen.

To Kai, the imaging showed nothing. Outside of their skeleton, they could not tell which faint white lines meant something, and which didn’t. But Amelia’s sigh told them that it didn’t bear great news.

“No fractures, which is good. But there is a slight deformity in your ribs around here and here” she announced in a low tone while pointing at the screen. “I’ve been telling you your binder’s too small. That, plus wearing it for too long with no breaks, absolutely irresponsibly for years? I’m really not surprised.” She used that voice she used with Scout to express her disappointment, which Kai figured they deserved.

Meanwhile, Monica was looking at the blank wall, giving it her full undeserved attention. She clearly knew she wasn’t supposed to be a part of this conversation, until she seemed to remember something.

“I just had a teenage patient with the same issue. Improper binder wear, especially as you’re growing up can be quite damaging, so I’ve been looking at alternatives for them. I suppose you’re already familiar with trans tape, Bartley, but if you’re interested, I have resources to share.”

They looked over at Amelia, her eyes encouraging them, almost begging. Truth was, they were absolutely unfamiliar with the method. The researcher had been owning the same binder since their early twenties, maybe it was time for the positive improvement they’ve been procrastinating.

“That sounds great actually, thanks.”

“I’ll send you everything in an email tonight” added the pediatrician at Amelia’s attention with a soft smile, a hand coming to her shoulder. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a patient I need to check on.”

It sounded like an excuse, but Kai didn’t mind. They too were craving the couch and couldn’t wait to get out of here.

The couple got home later that day, an immense wave of relief washing over them both as they stepped into the apartment. The couch had never seemed so inviting. Kai went to retrieve an ice pack from the freezer as Amelia started to unpack the takeaways, and as the researcher walked back into the room, they realized it was time for that discussion.

They sat next to their partner almost ridiculously slowly, fearing any sudden movement would feed more into the pain. Once comfortably sat, they began by taking a deep breathe.

“So you… know? About the smoking?”

Amelia froze for a second before sighing quietly. “I do, I’ve known for months actually.” She didn’t look up from her food, expecting Kai to speak, explain. Instead, they left the space for her to express herself, and ask her questions. “I’ve been waiting for you to talk to me about it, except you never did. Why didn’t you? Were you afraid I was going to get mad at you or something? You’re an adult, you can do whatever you want, I’m just worried as to why you kept it a secret from me.”

Kai’s eyebrows furrowed, and they seemed to think for a couple seconds. “I’m so sorry, I was fully convinced you knew.”

“What?”

“I truly thought you knew I never completely stopped.”

“I know you’re trying to. And that you always buy a new pack when you’re stressed.”

After this comment, Kai just seemed even more genuinely confused. “Well, I guess it makes sense. I only smoke socially when I’m out with my friends or at the studio. The more emotional shit I’m going through, the more music I write. And the more I smoke I guess.”

“So… You haven’t been struggling with a secret addiction to nicotine behind my back?”

Kai smiled as they pushed a strand of Amelia’s dark hair behind her ear. “I’m not struggling. I know it’s a disgusting habit, which is why I don’t smoke around you or Scout or at work, and I know you dislike the smell. But I do appreciate a couple cigarettes after I’ve had a few of drinks, which I never do around you.”

Amelia’s cheeks were crimson red at this point, embarrassed to recognize just how far off her theory was. She realized that the way she projected some of her own patterns onto her partner might be related to her own addiction, but overall, the neurosurgeon was just really relieved.

“I can’t believe how mindful you were being, and I just interpreted it as you keeping secrets from me. I’m so embarrassed.”

“I love you, and if I’m ever struggling with anything, I know I can come to you” they reassured. “And I’m really glad we cleared that up.”

Amelia stayed silent for a while, playing with her food with the end of her fork. Then, the recent memory of that discussion in the x-ray room came back into her mind.

“Wait, before I brought this up out of the blue, what did you want to talk to me about?”

It was Kai’s turn to sigh. “Okay but I need you to promise you won’t laugh.”

“I won’t” she promised as she sat upright, ready to listen.

“I guess I’m kind of jealous of how Monica is with you, and how close you two are. I know it’s irrational and I’m not actually scared of you cheating or anything, I think I just need some reassurance while I work through it.”

“Oh.”

Much to Kai’s surprise, a smile had made its way onto Amelia’s lips. She was looking at them intensively.

“So Kai Bartley does get jealous.”

“Are you… happy I am?”

“I wouldn’t dare” Amelia simply answered with the biggest smile. So much for discretion. “I mean I guess I would be jealous as well if my partner suddenly starting hanging out with a gorgeous, smart, immensely skilled woman every day. But I can assure you it’s entirely platonic. How can I possibly want to date another person when I have someone as perfect as you?”

She leaned over to kiss their lips as she carefully settled onto Kai’s lap, mindful of their injury.

“Actually, she’s going through a pretty rocky divorce, so even if I wanted to, I don’t think Monica is ready to date anyone right now. Maybe in another universe. But in this one, I’m all yours, Bartley.” The tone of her voice was teasing, revealing just how much that new information pleased the neurosurgeon.

Now Kai was the blushing one, suddenly very aware of all the places their bodies were touching. The way her hands felt behind their head, her hot breath brushing their jaw, her necklace softly rocking against theirs when she leaned in for another kiss. And god, the way she was looking at them.

The next events were already all figured out in Kai’s mind. The ice pack falling to the floor, Amelia’s warmth under theirs on that fucking couch, the sound of her voice saying their name, over and over again. Their current possessive instinct would taint each of their actions, making them all the more intense. But as Amelia recognized the way the neuroscientist’s fingers dug into her thighs, she pulled away.

“Don’t you dare. There will be no fucking until you’re reasonably healed.”

“Remember that time I said I could fuck you without touching you?”

“Shut up” she laughed. “Plus, you smell like the hospital right now. That’s not a sexy smell.”

“Oh really!? But here stands a whiteboard full of names of people who obviously disagree in MY living room. And it would seem like yours is on it” they announced dramatically while gesturing towards last night’s presentation.

“It’s for your own good. You have only yourself to blame for that.”

Kai mimicked a pouting face before getting back to their own food, their rib straining them as they reached for the cardboard container. “Well, okay. Consider the lesson learned. But you’ll have to help me with this whole trans tape thing, because I have no idea what Beltran is talking about.”

“You know I will.”

Chapter Text

“Amelia, you need to breathe.”

The neurosurgeon exhaled sharply. Her skin felt as if it was about to jump off her body. The crowd was slowly pouring into the room, filling seat after seat of the lecture hall, each new face making Amelia’s insides tense up a little more. She was gripping the fabric of her brand-new emerald dress where it was splitting at the thigh as she tried to keep the squirming in her own seat to a minimum. Her nails were digging into the flesh of her thumb when another hand grabbed her own.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure they’re gonna do great.”

“Thanks Elise.”

That day, Dr. Bartley was scheduled to give a lecture on their team’s new findings regarding amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, and their potential new applications into medicine. It was an exciting speech as it might just revolutionize the neurological field entirely, no big deal. Amelia knew it would. By that point, she knew Kai’s research better than she knew her own name.

She was sitting in the front row next to Kai’s sister, who had been brought along for the occasion, much to Amelia’s delight. The two of them had gotten quite close since they met, and right now, she was the calm in the storm.

“They hate crowds” Amelia whispered, almost to herself.

“They also love their work” added Elise with a smile as she squeezed the neurosurgeon’s hand. “Plus, you helped them rehearse, right? They’re going to be just fine, I promise.”

“I know you’re right, but I’m still not gonna be able to relax until this is over.”

It was one of those times Amelia wished she could have a drink like a normal person, just to take the edge off. Elise stayed sober in solidarity, but she also had something Amelia didn’t: the privilege of ignorance. Elise didn’t recognize countless important figures of the neuroscientific world every time she turned around to look at the sea of people. She also couldn’t fully grasp how important this day would become for neurosciences, and for their sibling. It could be the day Dr. Kai Bartley’s name went from respected to legendary.

Amelia’s stomach turned upside down when the whispers settled into silence before breaking into applause at her partner’s appearance. Kai walked to the middle of the stage, accompanied by two other people she only recognized by the names on the first slide of the PowerPoint presentation. Amelia couldn’t process how perfect they looked in their suit, almost too perfect. The stage light reflected briefly onto the ring hanging from their necklace where a tie should’ve been had Kai not insisted on a slightly more casual look.

Their eyes scanned the room before landing on Amelia, and the two exchanged a smile. At least, she hoped Kai had been able to see hers in the darkness. That’s when they started speaking.

“Thank you all for coming. I’m Dr. Kai Bartley, and my team and I are excited to finally be able to present the latest results of our research on amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or ALS.”

Elise smiled as she saw the surgeon mouth the words along with her partner, her back slowly coming to rest against the seat. The neuroscientist’s voice was clear and loud, their body language open, and soon, Amelia caught herself relaxing as she realized Kai had it all under control.

---

“Maybe I should crack a joke here.”

“Crack a joke as you’re talking about an awful, terribly deadly disease in front of the very serious scientific community?” she laughed.

“We’re presenting results on early detection and potential preventive treatments for an incurable neurodegenerative disease. It’s a hopeful speech!”

The couple was going over Kai’s presentation one last time before the big day, sitting around dinner and too many sheets of notes on a hotel bed. The nerves were slowly getting to the neuroscientist in a way that even fries couldn’t seem to fix.

“Okay, let’s go over the introduction one last time. But this time try to pretend a hundred people who all understand what you’re talking about are looking at you” Amelia encouraged as she grabbed another fry.

“Shouldn’t I do the opposite?”

“Tomorrow you should, but chances are, you’re gonna have a hard time ignoring the crowd in the beginning. If you can go through your whole introduction without losing composure, the rest will be a piece of cake.”

Kai stood up from the bed to face Amelia and the makeshift crowd composed of the couple’s two plushies sitting upright against a pillow. But as the researcher started speaking, Amelia raised her hand.

“Put down the notes. You rehearsed that speech so many times, don’t tell me you don’t know it perfectly by that point. I know I do.”

“But then I’ll have to look at the room.”

“Just pretend you’re giving a speech at the back wall. It’ll help with your body language and enunciation, I promise.”

Kai finally conceded and sighed as they put their notes back down on the bed.

“Okay but now I don’t know what to do with my hands.”

“Oh my god just start talking already.”

Talking to the wall, as ridiculous as it sounded, did help with their posture, but also maintaining their focus. Looking at the gorgeous woman sitting right there in their t-shirt and boxers would have done nothing to help Kai concentrate.

As they reached the end of their introduction, Kai whined and allowed their body to fall back on the bed.

“What if I pass out in front of everyone?”

“You won’t.”

“Or what if there’s a major flaw somewhere I haven’t notice yet?”

This time, Amelia laughed in lieu of an answer.

“No you’re right, there isn’t” Kai admitted, a certain pride for their work mixing in with their anticipation.

The neurosurgeon leaned in for a kiss before cupping her partner’s cheek in her palm. “Kai Bartley, you’re an exceptional human being and I couldn’t be any prouder of you right now” she announced as she handed them a fry. She raised another one and tapped it gently against her partner’s.

“What was that?” they asked with a smirk.

“Well, I can’t toast with alcohol, and doing it with water just feels illegal” she explained while glancing at the several water bottles sitting on the nightstands.

“Oh. Well, in that case, to neurosciences.”

“And to you.”

“And to me” they finally admitted, slightly embarrassed.

---

The presentation seemed to pass by in an instant. The hypnotizing figure of a fearless Kai standing tall under the spotlights, face lit up by passion, appeared to distort time; and soon it was the deafening applause that shook Amelia out of her trance. She stood with the crowd, clapping as the neuroscientist modestly thanked their audience.

Three other researchers joined the party to answer a few questions, and the neurosurgeon caught herself smiling as she saw a woman with the group. Even at her age, and being at the top of her field, seeing other women take their earned spot in the world of neurosciences had a way of making her heart swell. She hoped she could be that representation for someone, someday.

Then, she raised her hand.

A mic was provided to her by a member of the crew, and keeping her laughter down as she saw the confusion on Kai’s face proved itself a challenge. What question could she possibly have that she hadn’t ask the neuroscientist already?

“I greatly appreciated how the cohorts of mice you experimented on during the animal testing phase included female mice, which was surprising considering it is not at all the norm in the field. This was especially unexpected as ALS tends to affect men more than women. Can we count on this kind of diversity to be pursued further once you move on to human trials?”

Kai smiled softly, Amelia already knew the answer. It was an attempt to bring awareness to a population still very old-fashioned in their research methods, and the neuroscientist was happy to comply.

“Great question Dr. Shepherd. We are not expecting our preventive therapy attempts to move to human trials so soon, but as reflected in our observational studies, it is very important to us to bring a diversity of patients into our research. As established for other neurodegenerative diseases like Alzheimer’s, these illnesses do not affect our male and female populations similarly, nor equally. I believe more than anyone that it is our duty as actors in our field to not leave anyone behind, both for the pursuit of knowledge, but also to serve humanity to the best of our ability.”

Kai continued explaining how they had implemented that additional element into the study, the difficulties and mistakes their team went through and what could be improved. It was a small step, absurdly small into bringing change to the way we went about medical research as a whole, but it was a start. Another piece added to a giant puzzle which, upon completion, might significantly improve medical care for all by decentering the white man, such an outdated standard.

Amelia noticed the gaze of the woman neuroscientist on her. She could read gratefulness in her eyes. Gratefulness for all the people out there bringing even the slightest significant change to the world of neurosciences and medicine, and all of those male-dominated fields. She smiled back. There was something worth fighting for.

She thanked them before giving back the mic, her eyes returning to her partner in admiration. Leave it up to her favorite neuroscientist to not only collect ground breaking discoveries like old coins, but also to use their notoriety to progressively change the world.

She couldn’t help but hang onto their every word, allowing her mind to venture just for a second to their forthcoming evening together. Later, they’ll be hers alone, and Amelia couldn’t wait.

Right on cue, Kai stood up and waved at the audience. Applause exploded through the room once more and Amelia joined it. As the two women started to follow the crowd out of the room, Elise took the surgeon’s arm and pulled her closer.

“Told you they’d be fine! Any chance you guys can give me the dumbed-down version over breakfast tomorrow before our flight?”

“For sure!” Amelia exclaimed with a smile. Lucky Elise was on her way to enjoy the hotel pool and a nice dinner while she and Kai would be stuck here for a couple more hours. As it often was with this kind of research, they had a fundraising-reception to attend. It meant fancy drinks, small talk, all to convince the rich and old that their money didn’t go to waste - and to keep donating. Kai hated these sorts of formalities. The misgendering and forced socializing wasn’t their favorite, but it was necessary. And now that they had Amelia, the both of them could hate these kinds of events together.

“I’ll see you guys around. And good luck with the reception!” said Elise as she got into her taxi. But when Amelia turned around to walk back into the building, she found a tall figure admiring her by the entrance.

“You just missed your sister.”

“It’s okay, I’ll see her later.”

Kai walked to the neurosurgeon to offer their arm, though not before kissing her cheek. “You look gorgeous, love.”

“So do you. And that presentation? You really killed it in there.”

“I could see you mouthing the words along the whole time” Kai added with a smirk, looking down at Amelia. They simply couldn’t help it, the emerald dress wasn’t even needed for them to recognize they were in the presence of the most stunning woman in existence. “C’mon, let’s go pretend to be a straight couple so I can convince some millionaires to give me more money.”

They didn’t even make it two steps into the room before Amelia was handed a flute of Champagne, which she politely declined. Kai caught her gaze before grabbing theirs, and she granted them a soft smile of approval. Secretly, Amelia hoped her partner would be just a little tipsy by the end of the night. It was a rare sight to her, and certainly a funny one.

On the rare occasions where Kai didn’t stay sober with her, she would benefit from their funny, sometimes slightly inappropriate comments, not to mention the overwhelming cheesiness. Kai didn’t need alcohol to make her feel like the luckiest woman in the world, but in those moments where their walls would collapse, the raw affection certainly made her feel all the more special.

Conversation sparked with a well-dressed, older couple, carefully sipping their own respective glasses of red wine. It didn’t take a doctoral degree to tell these people weren’t neuroscientists, but the woman was pleasantly surprised to realize the couple wasn’t clueless either. The questions were pertinent, their interest genuine and their respect for the field certainly exemplary.

As the man started discussing future plans for the research with Kai, the woman turned to Amelia.

“And I assume you’re the wife! Gorgeous dress, by the way. It’s a pleasure to meet you. My husband and I have known Dr. Bartley for quite a few years now, it’s good to know they’ve finally found their other half. I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name?”

In her tirade, Amelia didn’t even get the chance to correct her on the wife part. But to her surprise, she didn’t feel the need to.  “Amelia, Dr. Amelia Shepherd. And you are?”

“Mrs. Watterson. Doctor mh? Are you a neuroscientist as well?” she inquired with a smile which made Amelia realize the woman probably wasn’t on her first drink of the night.

“A neurosurgeon, actually. But I did meet Dr. Bartley through common research work a few years back. I work in Seattle.”

A waiter and his tray of champagne glasses interrupted the conversation, and Amelia found herself declining once again. Mrs. Watterson, however, did not hold back.

“Oh I see… congratulations! Your secret is safe with me dear, don’t worry” she added with a wink.

‘Oh. She thinks I’m pregnant’ the surgeon realized, trying to keep her laugh quiet. “Well… actually-”

But again, before she had a chance to correct her, Mr. Watterson took his wife’s arm and waved the both of them goodbye. Kai’s eyes fell on their partner and a confused expression made its way to their eyebrows.

“Are you okay, ‘melia? Your cheeks are flushed” they asked with an amused smile.

This time, Amelia couldn’t hold her laughter back. “Well, it took under two minutes for that woman to assume I was your wife, and that I was pregnant.”

“Um. That can’t be good, Mrs. Watterson has a penchant for gossip. Did you correct her?”

“She didn’t let me” said her voice as her mind thought ‘I didn’t really want to?’

“I mean, we can certainly try for a baby” teased Kai with one of those looks, causing Amelia to hit playfully their forearm. “The Wattersons were the easy part, not everyone is going to be as respectful about my work, or my pronouns. If you’d rather get yourself a ginger ale at the bar while I do the nasty work, I wouldn’t blame you.”

“And miss the opportunity to play as your pregnant wife for a whole evening? I would never.”

“You’re enjoying it, aren’t you?” dared Kai as they took Amelia’s hand. “Well in that case, you’re gonna need this.”

The neuroscientist carefully removed the silver ring from their necklace before passing it around the woman’s finger. Amelia felt her heart skip a beat. But before she even had the chance to react, another man in a suit walked his way up to the couple.

“Dr. Bartley! Long time since your last conference” he started as Amelia was still trying to figure out what her heart was thinking.

She was a goddamn neurosurgeon standing in a room full of people assuming she was no more than a wife and a potential expecting mother. Those weren’t bad things to be by any means, but a past Amelia would’ve been seriously bothered to be reduced to nothing more than a role, an accessory of status for her partner. And yet she wasn’t.

She found herself amused by the assumptions, even smiling as the man called her Mrs. Bartley, not knowing any better. Those projections were awfully heteronormative, way beyond the way the couple thought of themselves in their little bubble. But in this moment, she enjoyed it.

Was it because of Kai, whose presence could somehow single-handedly transform an uncomfortable situation into a playful game of pretend? The neurosurgeon was so proud to be her partner’s, she couldn’t imagine enjoying herself in this situation for anybody else.

Or was it because it was Kai, and for that one special person, her entire beliefs about another marriage could maybe change. It seemed preposterous, and pointless to think about. The neuroscientist was perfectly clear on their opinions regarding children, despising both the construct of marriage and the idea of the government having a hand on their relationship, which Amelia shared deeply. And the more she thought about it, the clearer it became that she didn’t want any more children.

So, what was it?

She looked up to the neuroscientist, who was sipping their Champagne with unnatural regularity as the man was telling them all about that chemistry class he took once, in college. Surely an attempt to back up his supposed knowledge in Kai’s field, not realizing the way he was partially humiliating himself. It was a memorable sight for sure.

Amelia exhaled through her nose, her finger repetitively rubbing against the ring. Her comfort in this situation was definitely her partner’s making, she just wasn’t sure why. But Kai always had that way of making her feel ways she had never felt before. She would roll with it for now, enjoy it while it lasted, and figure it out later.

“Well, I won’t bother you any longer Dr. Bartley. I look forward to hearing how your work continues to progress. Always a pleasure working with you” said the man before walking away. Kai waited a few seconds before sighing in relief.

“’Working with you’, did you hear that? He’s not the one spending half of his god-given lifetime at the lab, is he? Did he call you Mrs. Bartley? Ugh.”

Amelia found her job there pretty easy. She just smiled at her partner, rubbing their hand with her thumb in support. “For the record, even if we got married, I wouldn’t change my last name.”

“I wouldn’t expect any less, Mrs. Bartley.” Kai smirked briefly before going back to a slightly disgusted expression. “Nevermind, it makes me think of my mother.”

Amelia chuckled, her cheeks felt hot. “Okay, so who’s our next target?”

Kai pointed to a group of suited men across the room with another deep sigh. “Ima need another drink for this.”

A quick trip to the bar later, Kai engaged conversation with the dreaded lot while Amelia followed behind, carefully sipping her ginger ale. Despite towering over all those people, the researcher definitely didn’t appear the most confident in this group of bearded men in suits.

It didn’t help that the alcohol was starting to have its effects. Another thing about the researcher; under the influence, Kai’s face would become flushed. Their cheeks had already gained that slight pink undertone and they felt hot. Focusing on keeping a professional demure was just one other drink away from becoming an Olympic sport.

Which made it all the harder for Kai to keep a straight face as Amelia’s fingers started running on the back of their thigh, just above the knee. It was quick, could have easily been mistaken for an accident. But with the weight of her gaze running down their shoulders, Kai had no doubt about the game the woman wanted to play.

Next, she stepped into the conversation, smiling politely and praising Kai’s research. To anybody’s perspective, her arm seemed to be innocently wrapped around her husband’s waist, but Kai flinched as they felt her fingers slipping under their suit’s coat, softly grazing their lower back. The gesture sent shivers up their spine and they hoped nobody picked up on the small sigh they couldn’t help with. Amelia did.

“I mean, if leaving a permanent mark in the advancement of medicine is something you’re interested in, investing in this research might be your best chance. Maybe the only one you’ll get in a lifetime; this kind of discovery doesn’t happen every Monday in neurosciences” continued Amelia, making up for Kai’s current absent-mindedness.

“Oh really? That’s quite a sales speech you got here Mrs. You definitely know how to pique one’s interest.”

“Trust that this interest is shared. As a neurosurgeon and a former colleague of Dr. Bartley during their research on Parkinson’s disease, I would bet on them every time.”

Busy trying to make up excuses to leave, Kai nearly missed the praising. The only thing bringing them back to reality was Amelia’s hand pulling away.

“You flatter me, Dr. Shepherd. Truth is, we can never guarantee a research’s outcome. But if there is something to be found behind this fog, I will do my best to uncover it. It truly is a shame that money oftentimes is the only thing separating us from the brightest of discoveries” they spoke as seamlessly as they could under the feeling of Amelia’s hand running up their thigh from behind, getting endlessly closer to their center.

“Fine, count me in” finally conceded the man in a laugh that sounded like golf and private chauffeurs. The one next to him was nodding as well and Kai smiled. Those receptions were definitely a lot more fun with Amelia involved, and she certainly was more proficient than they were in sealing the deal.

Kai took a quick look at their watch before excusing themselves, and Amelia followed as they started making their way to the exit.

“What are we doing?” she asked with a smirk.

“I think we’re done here” they smiled back, slowly their pace as they noticed Amelia struggling to keep up with her shorter legs and heels. “My promoter’s representatives can handle it from here. I have other plans for us.”

“Consider me interested, Dr. Bartley.”

“I can’t believe you couldn’t even behave for one night.”

As they finally reached the exit of the building, Kai grabbed their phone to get an Uber. They really couldn’t deal with waiting twelve whole minutes for a cab right now, but it’s not like they had any other option.

“It’s not my fault you look so hot in a suit, presenting award-deserving discoveries and giving these small-minded people a lesson on sexism in medical research. That’s my equivalent of dirty talk and you know it” she joked while glancing at the phone screen her partner was presenting. “Well, they don’t show you this part in movies. It usually cuts directly to the sex.”

Kai laughed at the comment. “Yeah. Hey, didn’t you have a jacket when we left?”

“Negative” she answered, trying to stand straight. Truth was, the cold of the night was already biting at her naked shoulders. She didn’t even get the chance to finish her one-word sentence that Kai was already taking off their coat and wrapping it around her. “Look at you, you’d make a good husband.”

Kai scoffed, looking briefly at the ground. “I’m doing all these men a service by not getting married. I would set the bar too high.”

“Yeah… You would” she admitted as her fingers reached the coat’s pockets, seeking shelter. Her hand retrieved a cigarette pack from the left one. “Want one while we wait? I know you like to have a smoke after a couple of drinks.”

Kai took a second to think, nonetheless feeling flattered that their partner remembered this small detail they had only mentioned once before, months ago. “Only if that’s okay with you, I don’t want you to have to deal with the smell.”

“You know I used to be a smoker, right?” Amelia revealed as she found a lighter deeper in the same pocket. “I used to occasionally borrow cigarettes to guys I met at random bars. And I did have a phase where it became regular, but Addie reprimanded the habit out of me quite quickly.”

“Yup, seems about right. It’s hard for me to picture that time of your life, knowing the person you are now” Kai admitted while bringing the flame to the cigarette between their teeth, hoping it would warm them up a little.

To their surprise, Amelia grabbed the thing out of their fingers to borrow a few drags. Kai knew better than to question it; the surgeon was more than capable of knowing what she was “allowed” to have. But reading their expression, she gave them the reassurance they needed.

“I’m not forbidden fun, you know? Technically, sobriety doesn’t forbid me anything, it just has… recommendations. As long as you didn’t pack those with weed, we’re in the clear.”

“I trust you” they simply answered, taking the cigarette back from her fingers. “I promise I’ll quit completely by the time Scout gets to high school. I don’t want him to get any bad habits from me.”

Amelia smiled softly. Kai really had grown to care for her son. Not that they didn’t before, but moving to Seattle had definitely helped ease some of the researcher’s fears on the parenting topic. The kid already had a whole village to raise him and, however distantly, joining the group of caring figures in his life had been the smoothest adjustment they could’ve possibly imagined.

“I’d argue it would be easier for me to track if he’s getting any nasty habits if he’s stealing cigs directly from you, but I also don’t want you to die from lung cancer before you reach fifty.”

Kai’s eyes rolled playfully, their heart warming up as they felt the undeniable care behind Amelia’s teasing. The cigarette switched hands once again, and Kai’s cheeks turned red (redder?) as the surgeon blew smoke to their face. It seemed that ages had passed since the last time someone flirted with them like that, back when they’d still were a dumb teenager from Minnesota. 

Chapter Text

Getting in an Uber never gets any less awkward. But with the adrenaline of their presentation still flowing through their veins, and well, the alcohol, Kai still managed to relax into the moment. There was something about driving through an unfamiliar city under the lit-up street lights that allowed them to disconnect momentarily from the loud world they were existing in. Their hand was resting between their partner’s thigh and her own hand, some country song filling the silence through the radio.

Every street light they passed by seemed to reflect onto the ring still decorating Amelia’s hand. The jewelry was obviously too large to fit her ring finger, though she didn’t seem to mind. She wore it like it had always belong there.

That specific thought wasn’t new to Kai’s mind. They had been wondering about the possibility of taking their relationship to the next level. The traditional way would have been marriage, though traditional didn’t seem to fit the couple very well. Kai remembered that time the both of them exchanged jewelry, like teenagers would promise rings. That moment marked however unofficially when their relationship with Amelia became serious, which was exactly the pulsion they were feeling in their heart, again.

Moments later, the couple found themselves in front of their hotel room.

“Hopefully Elise is sleeping, or out” whispered Kai, gesturing at the adjacent room. Finally, Amelia managed to pull out the key card out from her purse.

“It’s not even ten yet, you’ll just have to be quiet” she teased in a low tone.

“You can talk” they answered, finding her lips the moment the door swung open.

A familiar ache of excitement formed in their chest as she started kissing them back. Her arms wrapped around their neck as she pulled the researcher into the room, closing the door with a kick of the foot. The neuroscientist pushed the coat off of their partner’s shoulders before returning to her lips, biting the lower one before making their way to her neck.

“Look at you, shivering already. I didn’t even start.”

“Shut up.”

One of the researcher’s knees reached the floor, allowing them to unfasten the buckles of her heels. The other one rested on her thigh, right where the dress split, as high as the emerald fabric would allow them. When Kai rose again, the look they gave Amelia was enough to make the surgeon certain her heart was about to jump out of her chest.

They circled her, their fingers tracing her arm until they reached her back. There, they slowly unzipped the dress, freeing it from the neurosurgeon’s shoulders. It pooled at her feet in a muffled sound. Kai admired her in silence for a while, their nails running over her back muscles in a tingling sensation. Amelia’s tongue was playing with the inside of her cheek in anticipation.

She gasped at the feeling of her partner’s fingers slipping under the fabric of her underwear before guiding it down her thighs. Finally, Kai turned her around by the hips.

“You look cold, Shepherd” they said as their hands ran over the woman’s breasts, slowing as they brushed over her harden nipples.

“Or maybe it’s just what your touch does to me, Dr. Bartley.”

The surgeon surprised herself with the freedom of her language. She sensed that something that would’ve made Kai cringe on a normal day wouldn’t bother them in this moment. She was right, of course. It took a lot from the neuroscientist to suppress a moan from the comment alone. It seemed the alcohol had unbounded them from their usual restrains.

“I want to touch you” she added as Kai’s gaze was still glued to her body.

The researcher nodded and she pushed them down on the bed, straddling their hips as she started unbuttoning their cream shirt. She couldn’t help but smile as Kai’s lips punctuated each of her moves with a kiss to her temple. Here was that restless cheesiness she was desperately hoping for.

She halted once their chest was uncovered, her hands running over the nude tape decorating it.

“Do you need to take it off today?” she questioned, noticing that the end part was already refusing to stick anymore.

“Yes, but after” spoke Kai in something like a growl, firmly gripping at the surgeon’s waist like she could possibly get any closer to their own body. They could feel the warmth of her skin radiating against them and the heat of her center against their thigh, and it was excruciating in all the best ways.

Amelia’s hands continued their work, running over the researcher’s chest, then their abdomen before finding their belt. She recognized it for it had once served around her wrists, and she made sure not to throw it too far from the bed. It could come in handy, you never know.

Kai’s hand was still running along her back when she undid their pants, her fingers slipping between the cotton fabric and their boxers, running just over their slit. The neuroscientist let out a hissing noise as the teasing sensation took over their pelvis, their hips rocking in a gentle ask for more.

Their thigh moved against her core, each of their desperate moves motivated by the need for that pleasure. Hers or theirs, it didn’t matter; it amounted to the same. The view of Amelia biting her lip before going for their neck pulled a rough moan out of their throat.

Soon followed the light aches of her mouth leaving bruised marks along the sensitive skin in the same manner she used to early in their relationship. The need for extravagant traces of ownership over the other seemed to had long passed, especially as adults with adult jobs they had to account for. But in that moment, the surgeon couldn’t care any less. Kai Bartley, that exceptional person who may just have revolutionized neurosciences, was hers and hers alone. Damn anyone who may have comments on the way she chose to express it.

The pressure of her hand over their core increased. Amelia’s movements usually so defined, so precise were rushed by desire. It was messy, so much that Kai’s pleasure grew frustrated. The annoyance manifested like a strange form of paresthesia, and in a gesture more sudden than they intended, the neuroscientist grabbed their partner’s wrist. Her gaze came to meet theirs in a questioning look.

“This is not working, lie down for me honey” asked Kai between two labored breaths.

The remaining pants quickly joined the rest of the pile along with their underwear while the surgeon settled on the bed, forearms over her head. To the researcher, she looked like a goddess.  

“Then tell me what you need.” Her chin was tilted down giving them a daring look.

Quickly, their hand came to find the side of her Amelia’s neck while they kissed their way down her face, collarbones and chest. “I can’t think straight with you looking like that.”

The warmth of her partner’s lips over her skin pulled soft sighs out of her chest. She brought her hand to the side of their perfect jaw.

“Look at me” she asked, smiling as Kai’s greens met her blues. “Check my suitcase, I packed some stuff you might find interesting.”

The researcher returned the smile before lying down on their stomach, dragging the suitcase near the edge of the bed to meet them.

“Did you really pack the strap for a three days trip?”

“I thought we might find ourselves wanting to celebrate your big day” she laughed. Kai pulled the U-shaped vibrator out of the suitcase, holding it between their fingers as they questioned the surgeon with a look. “And that’s for you. Don’t think I forgot that time we tried our own… experiment of the body transfer illusion. I seem to recall you enjoyed it, profusely. I believe we can experiment further.”

“I love when you bring neurosciences into the bedroom” they joked, handing Amelia the remote before tightening the harness around their hips.

They looked at the neurosurgeon one last time before pushing one of the branches of the vibrator into them, adjusting it so that the other part would sit perfectly on their clit. It felt weird, different from the toys they would usually use on themselves. A strange kind of anxiety formed in their stomach, which they identified as anticipation. Even though they topped most of the time, control remained in Amelia’s hands through her presence and ideas. Maybe here lied the reason as to why the two of them where so compatible.

They leaned down over her chest to take a nipple into their mouth, two fingers simultaneously circling their partner’s entrance. They pushed them in, steadily, appreciating the low hums of pleasure Amelia was making under their touch. Her hand started running through their hair as they added a third one, curling them to that spot the neurosurgeon loved.

Then, the vibrations started. Low and soft, reverbing through the researcher’s pelvis before stopping.

“Does it feel good, Dr. Bartley?” she teased, her fingers finding Kai’s chin to lift it up.

“It does.”

“You can have more once you decide to stop making me wait” she ordered, her sentence punctuated by a whine at the feeling of Kai’s fingers pulling out.  

Amelia didn’t fail to notice the small changes Kai had made around the use of the strap ever since she had used it on them that one time. The neuroscientist got better at taking their time, making sure she was ready for it, and never (or, less often) forgetting lube in their haste. She guessed being in her shoes taught them to be gentler. And she was especially grateful for it when they pushed the toy in, encountering no resistance.

She made sure to reward them by pressing a button on the remote, and soon her soft moans were joined by Kai’s heavy breaths. Their hips settled on a slow but deep rhythm, their lips coming to kiss hers. The warmth of their bodies against one another felt just as pleasurable as Kai’s ministrations, leading her legs to link around their hips in search for more contact.

The vibrations were making it terribly difficult for the researcher to focus, reverberating from their hip bones to their knees which were getting weaker by the second. But nothing could overcome the additional stimulation from Amelia biting gently at their earlobe, moaning softly directly into their ear with each trust. It felt good, too good to be able to share that pleasure with their partner.

“You’re really desperate for me, aren’t you?” teased Kai, cheeks red. They understood very well that when Amelia expressed needing them, she was looking for their presence more than actual stimulation.

“More” she managed to pronounce between two moans, increasing the vibrations of the toy as encouragement.

The researcher obliged, burying their nose in the woman’s neck, letting her scent take over their senses. Their right hand was glued to Amelia’s side where her waist dipped, the feeling of that curve under their palm only strengthening their affection. After nearly three years of being by each other’s side, the feeling of her body under their touch still felt rare, special. Like witnessing a billion sunsets, gorgeous and breathtaking in a whole new way each time.

Kai’s breathing felt even hotter against her skin when she increased the vibrations. Again. The researcher had long mastered the skill of fucking her, but in their pleasure their movements felt rougher, almost rushed. Still, Amelia enjoyed the messiness profoundly. The knowledge of holding their bliss at the tip of her fingers was fuel to the fire.

Amelia held them close, bringing her lips against their ear to whisper: “You can be loud, baby. I wanna hear your voice.”

Almost immediately, Kai’s heavy breaths evolved into groans, both low and whiny, as if they had been somehow unconsciously holding back.

Kai’s mind was getting lost in the moment. They could feel Amelia everywhere; in the hand running through their hair, her arm around their back, her chest lifting against theirs rhythmically, her legs around their hips accompanying their movements. It was intoxicating and they couldn’t get enough of it.

The researcher’s thoughts shortened into feelings. All they knew was Amelia presence, and that the back-and-forth movements of their hips brought pleasure coiling at the base of their spine. Euphoria mixed in, and soon, Kai couldn’t tell where their body ended and where Amelia’s started anymore. The strap along with the toy barely existed anymore, it felt impossible to differentiate between those and the neuroscientist’s own flesh.

Their hand went from her hip to her core. A gesture that the neurosurgeon immediately recognized as a sign that her partner was getting close and intended to share that high with her. She didn’t dare reveal she was getting close herself from hearing their whimpers alone.

“Fuck, Amelia.”

Something about Kai saying her name with a slightly cracking voice sent oxytocin rushing through her brain, making her lose all sense of rationality. Words escaped her throat faster than she could hesitate.

“Kai, I need you to fill me, please.”

Kai stopped abruptly in their motion. Their eyes came to look for hers and regret started pouring out of Amelia’s heart as she acknowledged what she had just said.

But Kai grabbed her wrist, pinning it by her head, eyes dark with lust. “I’m not moving until you say that again.”

Their ragged breathing didn’t stop them from smiling as they watched Amelia’s face turn bright red. The woman could barely hold eye contact anymore.

“Kai…”

“Say it again, for me.”

“I need you to fill me. Please.”

The neuroscientist’s lips came to find hers as their movements resumed, ripping yet another pleasured noise out of her.

“God you’re so hot, begging for me to come inside you.”

“Don’t stop” she begged, her eyes closing as the circles Kai were drawing over her clit grew faster, tighter.

She came first, her orgasm stronger than she could have anticipated, her legs clutching around Kai’s hips. The sounds ripping out of her throat drove Kai mad. They yearned for her high to last forever, it seemed ridiculous life had to be any other way. They kissed the side of her neck as they helped her through it, only slowing down the movements of their fingers when her muscles started to relax, though Amelia’s voice didn’t get any quieter.

The back-and-forth of their hips didn’t die down after her orgasm, telling the surgeon exactly what kind of headspace Kai was in right now. Irrationally, they feared slowing down, as if it would make the pleasure end. They were getting off from the vibrator just as much as they were from fucking Amelia, and it was their turn to pursue their release. Lucky for them, the surgeon had just discovered a brand-new tool to help Kai get there.

“Don’t stop, Kai, please don’t stop” she praised, out of breath but encouraged by her partner’s moans getting more desperate.

“Amelia…”

“I need you to cum deep inside me, please.”

That last sentence pushed Kai over the edge in a strangled moan, the euphoria from their brain only adding to the pleasure taking over their body. The sudden weakness forced them to relax their weight onto Amelia and she held them close through each spasm of their muscles. They buried their face in her neck, their fingers tangling in her hair as they allowed themselves to come apart. In that moment, their whole world had reduced to Amelia.

Soon, the room silence filled the room, only interrupted heavy breaths and the small sounds of Amelia’s fingers caressing Kai’s back. They took each other in, the intimacy extending through the contact of their skins and the small kisses they shared. The toys were shortly discarded, leaving only their two bodies together in the darkness.

Kai sighed deeply in an attempt to chase away the remaining tension sitting at the bottom of their lungs. The researcher truly treasured these moments where they got to be held and relax, especially after a long day of acting big and strong and worse of all, professional. That specific night, it helped them process everything that had been going on today. Their life might significantly change after that new discovery. Or maybe not at all; the attention might die down and life would resume as it had always been until the next one. But as they were still standing in front of the fog, the unknown seemed to be nothing but scary. Thankfully, one element wouldn’t change.

“You’re gonna fall asleep?” finally asked Amelia with a soft smile. Their face was conveniently buried in her chest, surely not on purpose.

“Nope” they assured, though their eyes were already closed and their breathing was slowing down to a comfortable rhythm. In an attempt to stay awake, they looked up at their partner. “You know you could’ve told me about the breeding kink, that was fun.”

“Shut up” the surgeon laughed, playfully hitting their shoulder as she started to get up in an attempt at a shower. But an arm around her waist forbad her from getting away.

“Don’t go.”

“Come with me, then” she invited, her hand coming over Kai’s on her abdomen. “Have you sobered up yet?”

“Quite the contrary. I feel high.” Their fingers were digging into the flesh of her side, drawing her to them. “I wanna feel more of you.”

Carefully, they took her hand in theirs as their lips started kissing the scars on her stomach, heading down between her thighs. Their free arm wrapped around one of them and the neurosurgeon encouraged their actions by spreading her knees.

“I’m not done loving you yet” they added, looking up for confirmation just before reaching her core.

“You better be gentle then, I’m still pretty sensitive” the surgeon allowed with a smile, brushing a strand of hair off of her partner’s face.

“Always.”

It didn’t take long for soft sighs to start flowing out of her mouth. Her state of sensitivity mixing with Kai’s expert tongue were sending shivers throughout her entire body. Her hand came to grip the researcher’s hair for more control upon realizing they weren’t slowing down. They had left her halfway there already, she knew she wouldn’t last long.

They started around her entrance, appreciating what was left of her arousal. When their tongue dipped into her, the rough groan she made let them know they were on the right path. The movement of her hips accompanying their actions was only occasionally interrupted by the shaking of her thighs and Kai smiled at each profanity the woman muttered under her breath.

“Looks like I wasn’t the only one yearning for more” they let out before kissing her lips, appreciating the way the woman shivered as they approached her bundle of nerves, dropping a few playful bites to her inner thigh on the way.

“Kai…”

They looked up again and she nodded, allowing them to go further. Soon, their tongue found her clit, still swollen and sensitive. The small complaints in her moans were quickly erased by ecstasy as the neurosurgeon lost herself to pleasure, pulling Kai by the hair as if they could get any closer.

Their lips circled her, sucking lightly at first. The shaking of her hips told Kai their partner needed it both slower and harder, all at once. A caress to the thigh offered her support, allowing her to relax more into the touch. When the neuroscientist picked up the rhythm, a surprised moan escaped her chest. Amelia’s back arched into the touch. Keeping still was a challenge under the researcher’s work.

The restlessness followed as the woman’s breathing was becoming erratic. The list of the words she knew shortened significantly to Kai’s name alone, pouring again and again from her lips, until finally, Kai got her to that space she longed for.

“Fuck, just like that. Don’t stop, please.”

Kai knew their partner’s pleasure better than their own, and it showed. It only took a few more seconds for Amelia to lose it, her fingers gripping at the sheets desperately, her mouth left open though the profanities weren’t so quiet this time.  

“Good girl” they whispered, feeling audacious. The way the surgeon’s face became flushed under the comment told Kai they’d chosen their words wisely.

When Amelia’s whines finally evened out, Kai was kissing the spot where her hip met her thigh with a softness that made her heart melt.

“Kai…?”

A small cry made its way out of her throat when Kai’s lips came to kiss her again, right over her clit.

“Are you okay?” they asked with a comforting calm, their hand reaching for hers again. A small glow in their eyes betrayed their mischievous intents.

“Yeah.”

“One more, for me?”

“I don’t know if I can” she muttered, trying to fight the exhaustion. That first orgasm had come over her so surprisingly fast. Was Kai really expecting her to keep up? 

“You tell me to stop, I stop.”

“I trust you.”

“Should I stop?”

“Don’t, please” Amelia whined, trying to focus on her breathing.

All of her muscles had admitted defeat, only responding through the occasional shiver. She was high on Kai, trusting them fully with whatever they had in mind. If she remembered correctly, she had originally been the one to ask for such treatment.

Under Kai’s touch, she had experienced pleasure she had never known she could reach before which led had Amelia to wonder; how much could she take if Kai was to push her to her limits? One Saturday afternoon, she finally dared to ask.  

---

“I’d like to try something new” Amelia whispered against their neck, fully allowing herself to drown in Kai’s safety, her brain still high on all those wonderful hormones. “What if next time… you didn’t stop?” she inquired shyly.

Kai was holding her against their chest, as usual. Her favorite aftercare. “What do you mean?”

“I think… I think I’d like for you to fuck me until I physically can’t take it anymore.”

Kai smirked. “Kinky. Consider me interested. You’ll need a safeword though, just in case.”

“I trust you enough to know you’ll check in and stop if I say so.”

The researcher took a second to look at the ceiling, wearing that thinking face they sometimes got at the lab. “Okay, but I think I need for us to talk a bit more about it before we venture into anything though.”

“Agreed.”

---

Those conversations sure gave Kai some interesting ideas, but in that moment, their favorite muse was the figure of Amelia squirming under their touch, arms over her head, face twisted in pleasure.

Two fingers came to circle her entrance, softly. An occasion to give the woman a short break before what was waiting.

The moan Amelia let out when the researcher finally pushed into her was surprising, at first. Rarely had they seen the neurosurgeon completely let go, long past the point of caring about anything but their presence. The realization brought a smile to their lips. They felt proud to be able to act as a catalyst to her pleasure. It was special, and they were benefiting from it as well.

Their tongue quickly followed, returning to her core like it had always belonged there. Each of Amelia’s moans was shadowed by one of Kai’s, the vibrations of their sounds against her center only adding to her pleasure. Her oversensitive state sent cold chills down her back, the tension in her pelvis almost unbearable in a torturous yet delightful way.

Only Kai Bartley would be able to navigate her body so well, so perfectly, knowing by her noises and breathing alone what she needed. Slower, faster, more pressure, a break, whatever it was, she didn’t even need to ask. Kai was perfectly attuned to her needs. It felt impossible, her admiration for her partner growing with each passing second.

With the researcher’s pressure over her clit increasing and their fingers repeatedly hitting that spot she loved, Amelia was losing all senses of reality, her neurons firing left and right. Every inch of her skin felt as it would catch on fire any second. Even the smallest movement would send pleasure rushing through her brain.

She could feel her heartbeat in her fingertips and the vibrations of Kai’s moans all the way to her shoulders. It was new, different. Never had she felt connected to her partner in that way, and with that followed the looming figure of her incoming release, lurking around like the calm before a tidal wave.

And like a dare, the instant she thought she couldn’t take it anymore, Kai’s hand came around her hip, brushing over her tensed abs before expertly pressing on her lower stomach. The additional pressure caused stars to appear in her peripherical vision. She was the medical doctor, and yet, the researcher was the keeper of secrets regarding her body. It never failed to surprise her.

“Amelia, tell me what you need” Kai asked, their voice teasing and low. They could feel the neurosurgeon’s walls tightening around their fingers. A sign that their partner was but a praise away from losing it.

“You. I need you” she begged, her voice cracking under Kai’s ministrations. “I’m so close.”

“You’re doing amazing love. Let go for me, please.”            

Amelia’s release crashed over her, all at once, sucking the air out of her lungs. Only Kai’s name remained on her lips, repeated again and again like a promise.

Her partner pulled away from her core, understanding by her whimpers that Amelia had reached as far as she could go for tonight, and so had they. The high had taken over her brain, reducing her senses to her own heavy heartbeat along with Kai’s presence pulling her close against their chest. Despite feeling as if she was going to overheat, it was exactly what she needed.

Ultimately, her voice settled, allowing for a long sigh of relief under Kai’s fingertips running between her shoulder blades.

“I love you” she finally whispered, grounding herself through her partner’s presence.

Though it wasn’t the easiest task. Much to her dismay, the calm gaining her body left space for the emotional chaos of her mind. Every feeling was suddenly felt at once, colliding into each other under hormonal influence. Everything was perfect, too perfect, and yet, it wasn’t. She knew better than believe in a universe so perfect that Kai Bartley would truly be hers. The neurosurgeon was long past the point of believing in forever.

But all she managed to make out of all these complicated thoughts were just two words: “Don’t leave.”

“I’m not going anywhere” they mumbled against her hair, holding the neurosurgeon as close as they could. Her nails were digging into their back. “Are you sure you’re okay, ‘melia?”

“Yeah. I really loved it, but it was also a lot. I guess I just need to feel close to you right now.”

Despite feeling so secure in her relationship, intrusive thoughts of abandonment would come rushing back through any windows she left open. A tough week, an emotional time, sometimes nothing more than a sad movie, the postcoital dysphoria was to blame this time. That constant anxiety was weighing on her shoulders; her own Sword of Damocles only sharpened with each passing day by Kai’s side. The woman wasn’t sure if ignoring it counted as healing or denial.

“How about a shower, and then we’ll cuddle and watch an episode of our show?” the researcher suggested, fingers lingering along the small of their partner’s back. Amelia nodded.

A hot shower later, they were in their pajamas. Well, Amelia was in Kai’s, and Kai had long admitted defeat, leaving the neuroscientist with nothing but their underwear and their partner as a heated blanket for the night. This arrangement didn’t displease them in the slightest. The researcher couldn’t help but find their partner cute practically swimming in their sweater, not to mention the relief of her mood improving.

The hormonal crash that followed some particularly intense sex could be impressive in the neurosurgeon, and unpredictable, comparable to playing Russian Roulette. Once again, Kai didn’t mind as long as Amelia was okay. And in their presence, she was.

They provided aftercare for her through cuddling, washing her hair and lighting some scented candles, and Amelia returned the favor, using oil to help the trans tape off of their ribcage in the shower. Right now, she was sitting on their lap, applying moisturizer where their skin was slightly irritated, humming softly to herself. Her eyes were underlined by marks of fatigue but the smile she was wearing was contagious. The feeling of her skilled fingers against their sides seemed to be prolonging Kai’s high. As far as they were concerned, aftercare was part of intimacy. They couldn’t imagine it any other way.  

“I love you” they whispered against her temple before kissing it gently. Their eyes connected, leading Kai into sharing her radiant smile.

“I love you too. Sorry I scared you.”

“You didn’t. I want you to be able to be completely and undoubtedly yourself when you’re with me, even the messiest parts” they added, pushing a strand of the woman’s hair back behind her ear. “I meant it when I said I’m not going anywhere.”

The surgeon got quiet for a second, her smile weakening a little. Her fear of abandonment might still need to be addressed professionally, but it didn’t change in any way how safe she felt around her partner. “I know that. But, are you, though?”

Maybe to avoid meeting their gaze, she kept her focus on the moisturizer. Kai’s hand came to the side of her thigh before running up to her hip and landing on her waist. With the other, they lifted her chin up until their eyes finally met. Somehow, it turned the dialogue into a serious conversation.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… What if you have to move for your job again and we can’t make it work? What if we fall out of love? I know it sounds ridiculous but what if you died? I swear people keep dying around me. Maybe I’m just bad luck. Or what if I relapse one day, then will you be there for me through the ugliest parts? I can’t ask you stay with me unconditionally. That would be unfair, and terribly delusional. I am so in love with you, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t convince myself I’ll get to experience this happiness forever.”

When Kai kissed her, the tears that had been filling her eyes started running down her cheeks. The researcher wiped them with their thumb. When she opened her eyes again, Kai was smiling.

“Forever, mh?”

Confusion appeared in her traits. “Sorry for crying, I didn’t want to ruin our evening together.”

“Stop apologizing” Kai repeated for the thousandth time, somehow their patience never failing. “Now listen. Before I say this, I need you to know I’ve completely sobered up and that I mean every word I say. Okay?”

She nodded, and Kai felt proud to have caused the small laugh she let out.

“You’re unlike anybody I’ve ever met, Amelia Shepherd. You’re strong, resilient, funny, wise, an amazing surgeon, an even more amazing mother, caring beyond reason and an increasingly good cook. I also know you’re someone who’s been through unimaginable things and that you’re carrying so much grief that just half of it would make the average person crumble. And I don’t pretend to know the mess that come with it, but I do know this. Everything you are makes you the person I love.”

Kai’s thumb was lying on the white marks of her lower abdomen while her hand settled on their thigh, tracing the elongated scars under their tattoo.

“We don’t know what the universe holds out for us. But… I do want our forever. I truly do. That means I’ll fight for it if I have to. Do you want our forever, Amelia?”

Now, the tears running down her cheeks were bearing a whole other emotion.

“I do.”

Kai’s hands came to the side of the neurosurgeon’s face before kissing her lips softly. When they pulled back, she was looking at them intensely, her nose and cheeks still pink with emotion.

“Wait, what does this mean for us? Because you still don’t want to get married, right? And I don’t either. But…”

She left her sentence unfinished, unsure where her thought was going.

“I’m not against some sort of commitment ceremony if that would be something you’d like as well. To be honest, I’ve been looking for ways to take this further without overstepping on our boundaries. You’re making me question everything I ever thought I’d want, and there aren’t exactly guidelines for asking your girlfriend to marry you outside of the patriarchal construct of marriage.”

“Then I guess we’ll have to figure it out together” she smiled, in admiration of her partner. Her last experience with a proposal had left her feeling lost, even disrespected. But with Kai, she felt more valued than ever before. Being able to create their own thing together was empowering, and seeing how the researcher went out of their way to respect her throughout the process only reinforced her already high esteem for Kai. This time, it felt right. More than it had ever felt. “I’d love a commitment ceremony with you. And maybe you can start calling me something a little more adult than your girlfriend? Calling you my partner is fine, but it makes people think I have a secret, closeted lesbian lover. You’re anything but secret, or closeted.”

Kai small laugh was contagious. “True. How about… fiancé.e? Sounds fancy, is gender neutral when said out loud yet familiar to the straights, and I believe it’s giving serious adult relationship.”

“I like it” she admitted.

This time, standing in front of the fog of their future didn’t seem so scary. Giving old words new meanings through their relationship felt exciting. Stepping into the unknown meant being able to dictate your own rules, and without even knowing it, it was something the both of them had been craving all along.

“Maybe we should wait for after Link and Jo’s wedding before we announce it” she declared, surprised as Kai started laughing.

“Oh yeah, I can’t wait for Link’s reaction. Scout is going to be thrilled though.”

“Stop mocking him. I pick you, you won, and you didn’t even need four rings to try and persuade me” she joked back. The picture of the white board, intertwined with Grey-Sloan’s overly complicated relationship history came to her mind. The announcement was sure be an interesting experience. But that was a problem for future Amelia.

“Hey, beautiful?” Amelia’s gaze came up to meet Kai’s, leaving the silver ring still around her finger. “I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“Me too.”