Archive of Our Own ^beta

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It had been a long time since Bix had seen the base on Yavin 4. It looked completely different from the last time she had been here. It was chaotic but in a different way. More hopeful but still cautious. It had been only a few weeks since the defeat in Endor and the energy of victory was tangible in the air.

The rebellion had set up in their old base a communications center to help family and friends find each other. Their tables are set up in the main hanger with rebels giving information on their fellow comrades. Whether good or bad the lines were long.

This is how Bix found herself in a line hoping to hear any information on Cassian. She was only behind one or two people. One of them had just received news that their husband had died in an explosion. Her heart sank at the possibility that something like that had happened to him. Despite the fact she had left him, Bix always hoped he would survive long enough to see him again.

Then suddenly she found herself in the front of the line, “Please provide the rank and surname of the person you’re looking for.” The officer had the rank of Sargent and looked fairly young.

“Captain Andor” they only provided this small information in order to accelerate the process of finding people.

The young woman in the desk gave a strange look and started tapping something on her data pad. Bix began to worry maybe he was long dead, and she was the last person to know, when the Sargent said “Medbay one, room 5. The name should be displayed on the door”

Her eyes must have shown worry because the woman clarified “Nothing bad  just some minor hearing loss and a bit of a fever. Says here they were near an explosion some shrapnel got stuck and they have a minor infection.”   her expression didn’t change because she added, “I promise that lot has seen worse.”

Bix finally could breathe. Cassian was only a few hallways away. She sprinted almost ran to the med bay but slowed down as she approached the place. Despite the hopeful air on the base, the medbay had a more somber feel to it. As she went inside, she saw medical personnel all over the place attending to patients with all sorts of injuries still coming in. Many people had been trapped in other planets and only now were making it to the base.

She saw someone who was unoccupied and went up to them. “I’m looking for Cassian Andor”

“The private recovery rooms are over on the left towards the back of the room. Room 5 if not mistaken” she said while pointing towards a small hall.

Bix nodded and headed towards the back. She entered the hall and saw a row of rooms all numbered outside the door. The energy she felt was palpable as she approached the room that was labeled 5 and on the door was his name Captain Andor.

She pushed open the door to go inside. The room was small and had an eerie chemical smell. It was very impersonal if it weren’t for the person Bix knew was sleeping on the bed and a bright yellow blanket on the visitor chair.

As she approached the bed a realization struck her. The person lying on the bed wasn’t Cassian. It was a woman, she had long brown hair and a pale complexion. She slept peacefully, her chest rising and falling normally with no awareness a stranger was in her room.

The more she stared at the woman, the more she wondered who she was. Why was she in Cassian's room. Was he discharged, and nobody bothered to change the name on the door. Then again with the chaos outside she wouldn’t be surprised.

Bix thought this was the most reasonable explanation and was turning away, when the woman started shivering.  A clear sign of fever, and hadn’t the Sargent said Cassian had a fever. She also noticed now thar the woman’s bangs were stuck to her forehead with sweat. The more she looked, the closer to the woman Bix moved.  

The strange woman in Cassian’s room, had her ear bandage. She had rolled the other way on the bed and Bix had seen it. This woman also had an injury in her ear. How odd? Who was she? How can her injuries be the same as Cassian’s?

Maybe there was another Captain Andor but that was impossible, she asked the nurse using his name.

The woman started shivering so intensely that Bix grab the blanket that was laying on the other chair to help her. That’s when the door behind suddenly opened as Bix was covering the woman.

A man’s voice sounded, “Are you the nurse? The sleep sedative was already administered. She’s a bit restless but it should kick in soon.”

He sounded almost annoyed probably at the medical staff but the final bit hinted at affection for this woman. Despite sounding a little different she recognized that it was Cassian’s voice. She moved away so he wouldn’t notice her. Bix looked at the monitors showing her vitals as a way to maintain a cover.

“I think Zil was her name. She administered it about 20 minutes ago.” It was obvious he wanted her to leave. Bix wasn’t sure what to do, whether she should leave or announce her presence. But another more desperate thought occurred to her, who was this woman and why did he seem to have such authority over her medical care. If he was here, that meant the blanket on the visitor’s chair must belong to him.

There was no point in pretending she wasn’t there. She had to know. As Bix turned around, she saw how his face turned from annoyance at the nurse’s presence to utter shock. Then contorting into what she recognized to be anger. Cassian took a protective step towards the sleeping woman mostly out habit it seemed, then any danger Bix posed.

“Hello Cassian” was all she could muster after all these years.

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“Hello Cassian” was all she could muster after all these years.

All this time and “Hello” was the best she could do. Bix chastised herself. After all the years she had spent thinking about their reunion. All the dreams she had about it, in them he always ran to her. It was such a cold word, and it could never express all the emotion she felt seeing him again.

Perhaps the presence of the woman had shaken her. In none of her dreams she had ever been there. Bix was reasonable and that part of her mind screamed the woman’s identity. Maybe she was his…but no. The hopefulness that had overtaken her upon seeing him again refused to entertain those thoughts.

Cassian’s expression had become unreadable. Now she had turned to him. She could see he was holding a pitcher of water and a towel. Perhaps he was intending to wash the woman, before she interrupted him.

He looked different from the last time she had seen him. Cassian’s eyes showed age, and his beard was longer. Over the years it seems he had gained many new scars in his face but also, she noticed something that looked like a burn on his neck hidden under his jacket. She looked down on the woman’s bed between them and saw a similar mark on her.

“What are you doing here, Bix?” his words came out harsher than he intended and after he had said them, he seemed apologetic. “I’m sorry is just… out of all the places I used to imagine seeing you again. I never thought Jyn’s hospital room would be the one.”

Jyn? That was the name of the woman in the bed. But something else came into her thoughts, “used to imagine.” When had he stopped thinking she would come back? When did he seem to just accept it?

“It’s good to see you again Cassian… I thought you were … It doesn’t matter the point is that were alive” the words seem to have escaped his notice because he didn’t seem capable of responding.

 “How did you know I was here?” he said so casually she was sure he hadn’t heard her.

“The communications tables. They’re handing out information to the families and friends to make it easier for people to reunite.” Bix felt awkward explaining this. She was sure he already knew all of this. “I asked for Captain Andor and they told me you were here”. At this Cassian looked pensive, he was looking like he wanted to say something but didn’t know how to. He looked down at the woman whose name was Jyn. She seemed to stir under his gaze.  Almost like she senses his thoughts.

“A few years back I was promoted to Major…” at this revelation Bix couldn’t understand the importance until he said, “this is my wife, Captain Jyn Andor.” She finally looked down at a chart near the bed. It listed the patient’s name as Captain Jyn Erso-Andor. Right below it there was a line that said next of kin, written there was his name Major Cassian Andor then a box was checked next to the word spouse.  

Bix looked at him, really looked at him and for the first time noticed he was wearing a ring on his right hand. Looking at Jyn she realized, the same ring was in her hand too. They were marriage bands. It must be true then, Cassian Andor was really married.

Bix couldn’t say quite how she felt. In all her years away she envisioned Cassian’s death hundreds of times maybe just as many as their reunion. In some of them they would embrace. In others, perhaps more realistically, he would be angry. But never had it occurred to her, he would get married. She knew it was unrealistic to expect him to wait, but still she had. They had gone through so much together. That she had believed they were soulmates, that no matter what happened they would make their way back to one another.

“Since when?” she said with a tinge of bitterness in her voice.

Bix knew it wasn’t her place to ask but everything about this day was turning out to be not quite what she had expected. At the time she left, Bix saw no way forward with both of them in the rebellion. The fight for freedom was something she would never have given up and if she stayed any longer perhaps, she would have been tempted with Cassian by her side. But now, here he was with the exact thing she hadn’t believed possible.

“It’s been 3 years since we got married. About 5 since we met each other.” he said with a tender smile. He looked at her with such affection that it deeply wounded Bix. It wasn’t her place to feel this way, she had told him that they could meet after the war was over, but he had never agreed to it.

“She took my name because her mother and father had done it. She wanted to continue the tradition…We thought it was funny when she was promoted to Captain a few months back.” He seemed to recall the moment with such fondness; it made Bix eyes stung.

“How did you meet?” Bix needed to know. At this point she would try to understand even if it hurt. Cassian looked at her with expression that asked. Are you sure? All she could do was nod.

“Well, it wasn’t romantic or anything. We met on a mission, technically she was the mission. But it was tough at the start, we didn’t trust each other. As time went on, we realized that… we could only trust each other.” He looked sad and he seemed almost nervous; he rubbed his neck. Bix noticed the burn mark from earlier. “We almost died… nothing like before… it felt like real death. On Scarif, … that day changed my life and we lost a lot of good people. People that should have been here. After that it was like we were each other’s lifeline and eventually it turned into something more real. About 3 years ago we came back from a mission and decided it was right to get married. The Empire has taken a lot from me and from her. We weren’t going to let it take this” It seemed to her that he was leaving out a lot, but she couldn’t blame him she wasn’t his confidant anymore.

A violent thought burst into her mind, it should have been her. A pang of jealousy over what could have been and at this woman Jyn, that was braver than her. She had chosen Cassian and the rebellion. They had fought together and had made it to the end together.

“I think we should talk outside. Jyn is sleeping and I wanted to clean her up a bit.” he said so awkwardly. Bix turned to leave; she could barely take it anymore. But she would talk it out with him. “Bix, I do want to talk. I’d like to know how you’ve been, really”

Bix nodded and stepped outside. She looked back into the room and saw Cassian brushing Jyn’s bangs from her face. At this she seemed to stir. She mumbled something Bix couldn’t hear, and Cassian chuckled a bit, placing a playful kiss on her lips. Then carefully using the towel in his hand, he washed the sweat off her face, and she continued talking to him. Had she been awake the whole time?

Cassian continued washing Jyn, pulling up the sleeves on his sweater so they wouldn’t get wet. Bix saw that the burns on his neck, extended to his arms. He pulled one of Jyn’s sleeves and Bix noticed identical marks on her body to the ones Cassian had. While doing this, she could see him becoming gentler with her. Whatever those marks were, clearly, they had gotten them together.

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Bix finally turned away from them, it felt wrong to stare and a part of her couldn’t take it anymore. Cassian was married, he had a wife, and they had fought together in the Rebellion. They wore matching rings and wounds as a testament of their connection. Bix felt that what they had gone through together that had given them those marks was something she could never get in between.

Turning around again she saw Cassian tugging Jyn in and placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. At this Jyn grabbed his hand and squeezed it, a small show of support. Now Bix was convinced that she must have heard them. She wondered whether he had ever mentioned her to Jyn.

Cassian walked towards her, and she realized his sleeves were still up. When he came to stand in front of her. Bix couldn’t help but stare at them. He was wearing his most sympathetic expression until he noticed her staring. Looking at his arms he said, “Do you want to know how it happened?”

She looked up at him and for the first time realized that he was truly not her Cassian, he had gone through a lot in those years. He still cared the same way he always did, going through hell and back for the people he loved but the years had changed him. “I thought it might be too rude if I asked. I noticed she had similar ones too”

“It happened on Scarif… we were stuck … about to die. I felt the burn of the Death Star and then…” clearly, he wasn't wasn't ready to talk about it. “How have you been, Bix? What happened to you? Where did you go.” The conversation shift was quick, but Bix didn’t want to push it, maybe it was still too difficult to remember

For a moment Bix was stuck on what she should say, still processing his words. Had he really said the Death Star. Everyone in the galaxy had heard about it, but never had she heard of someone surviving it.

“I went to find some peace for myself, after everything that happened. I felt like I was losing myself and I needed to get away. Eventually, I did what I always did and tried resisting in my own way. I found some stability but I aways thought about you. When I saw that the war was over. I came to find you.” Bix was lost in what to say, a part of her felt resentment towards Cassian for moving on. The part of her that truly cared about him not just in a romantic way, but the way she had always. That version of her wanted to be happy he found some kind of peace. “If I’m honest I always thought about coming back but something always held me back. How did you do it? When I left you would have given it all up for me. Why was it different with her?”

Bix saw him think about it, turning his head back to Jyn. Taking a deep breath as he turned back to her. He answered “Because she was the one to give me back the passion to fight. The mission to Scarif wasn’t ordered by the rebellion. Jyn wanted to go, and I backed her up. I went rogue for her because I truly believed her mission was right and it was. When we somehow survived it, there hasn’t been a day since my faith in her waned. I didn’t just fight for the rebellion; I fought for our future.”

That was it then, she had inspired him. Though they did something reckless, it had worked out. Together they worked best, it was a pull that she would never fully understand. It was nothing like what they had, it was different. Bix could see it in the way he carried himself. Cassian looked happier and surer of himself than she had ever seen him. Perhaps it was more to do with the defeat of the Empire, but she didn’t doubt for a second that Jyn’s love was a part of it too.

No longer was he the Captain Cassian Andor that she had left, he was now Major Cassian Andor. A man who had let his love for a woman and his faith in the Rebellion guide his way towards a better future. Yet some part of her would always wonder if she could have been that for him.  She would think about it forever or maybe she would find her Jyn. Perhaps she had seen their relationship in the wrong way maybe there was still something she needed to find herself.

“I can see how much you love her Cass. I’m happy you found someone that loves you, just as much as I do.” a part of her would mean those words one day. But she knew in her heart that even if they didn’t have the reunion that she had hoped. The fact that he was alive brought her great relief. “If I’m honest I was afraid me leaving, would break you. I’m glad you found a way forward.”

“I hope your happy too. I really do. It was nice seeing you again. Even after I met Jyn, a part of me hoped you would find something like this in your life. You will always be important to me Bix. I want nothing but the best for you.” Honesty suddenly poured out of him. “After you left it almost broke me. I went back to old habits, but it gave me the strength to be where I needed to be”

For a moment she thought he was talking about meeting Jyn, but he seemed to be talking about something else. She wanted to ask but knew he probably wanted to get back to his wife’s bedside.

“At least I know now I did the right thing.” She tried to smile but Cassian could tell she was trying to be brave. He approached and gave her a hug.

Bix let herself be hugged by him for a moment before pulling back. “I think you should get back in there” she said gesturing to Jyn’s room.

She started to leave, and Cassian said “If you stay around base, we should have a proper talk. I think we can still be friends, and I know you and Jyn would get along.”

Bix thought about it for a second and decided she would like that. “Goodbye Cassian. I’ll see you around.” She walked away with mixed feelings, partly happy and sad. She was relieved her oldest friend was happy, but she also mourned the relationship they would never have again. But she would be hopeful for the friendship they could restore.

In the years since she last saw Cassian, Bix had changed a lot. Why had she believed the same would not be true for him. Maybe believing he was the same had been her way to cope with the Empire’s rule, but it wasn’t fair. She could see that now, having watched him. The way he was with Jyn, it was unconditional love. The kind of love that people died for. Now that the galaxy was free Bix could do anything, and she no longer would have to worry about him. Bix would sleep lighter, knowing her oldest friend was safe.

Cassian watched Bix leave with a sense of contentment, he was glad to have closure on something, that although he did not think often, still haunted him on the rare occasion his mind strayed to the past. He took a deep breath and went back inside to Jyn’s room. He approached her and saw that she wasn’t fully sleeping.

“How much of that did you here.” He said with a hint of jest in his voice. He knew his wife had a good sense of when to involve herself in his problems. It had often saved his life.

“Well, I realized as soon as she walked into the room, but I felt it was better to pretend I was sleeping.” She smiled at him. Oh, how she loves to tease him, he thought.

He sat down on the chair next to her bed, looking at her with all the fondness in the world. They grabbed each other’s hands. Jyn asked, “How do you feel?”

“It was good. I think it took me a long time to realize why she had to go. But after Scarif and meeting you it all made sense.” He looked at her with such understanding.

“I think it was like that for me with Saw and my father.” If anyone in this world would understand why he needed closure with someone that had abandon him it would be Jyn. His beautiful and caring, Jyn.

“Thank you for understanding.” Cassian stood up, placing a gentle kiss on her lips.

“Always” she whispered smiling to him as he pulled away.

Cassian sat back down, watching Jyn until her eyes started to flutter and she fell asleep. Resting his head on the bed, he did the same.