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He's here again, fragmented and less than whole. Split and torn apart between want, need and desire. For now, Zack lets him sleep. The man is weary, if the terrible shaking was a sign of anything. Weary from a lifetime of pain and lies and holding on to the thin threads of his person.
Zack scratches at the nape of his neck where silver hair begins and runs his fingers through its endless tangles. It’s easy to reach like this with Sephiroth's face buried under Zack's chin. He smiles. It's just so like him. Never able to take care of his hair, whole bottle of shampoo conditioner or not. They'd trusted each other. The larger man would sit with his back turned, vulnerable as Zack is given the privilege of handling his unruly hair.
He sweeps a strand away from his pale face, furrowed brow hiding just beneath the silver strands in uneasy sleep. Brushes the strand into the clump of hair that always stays just behind his ear. He runs the pad of his bare hands across the man’s brow. Small comforts for this terrible nightmare. Gaia’s most powerful creature reduced to a trembling emotionally stunted human being.
Am I even human?
“Zack?”
He can’t turn around, can’t bring himself to see the pain in her angel voice. Whatever she has to say, he doesn't want to hear. But she’s braving the spaces in between her and her murderer. She’s not afraid. Not anymore.
Cloud calls it by name. Calls it ‘him’ like it’s still human. But the monster that wears the face of his friend is still the very same monster that took them all from him. Took Angeal, and Genesis and Sephiroth. His brothers in all but blood. No matter what they thought of themselves in the end, they were no monster. They were SOLDIER.
“It’s not him, Aerith." He tries to sound convinced but disbelief colours his voice. "That’s not the Sephiroth I know.”
Zack is SOLDIER too. He doesn’t know if he can ever think differently. He has himself convinced that that thing that had terrorized Cloud - killed Aerith - is not his Sephiroth.
The monster emptied him long ago, hollowed him out in his grief and fell into the crevices of his remains. It carries his body like an empty bag of skin and bones.That thing isn’t human, but Sephiroth was. And he had a gentle soul, silent and contemplative as the deep rivers running alongside Gongaga. He'd been alive, overflowing with power and teeming with beautiful beautiful life. But the monster that tries so hard to replicate him, could not replicate his humanity no matter how many times it tries. No. The monster has empty eyes coloured by an endless void of greed that can’t ever be filled. Even Sephiroth’s eyes showed his pain on the day Nibelheim burned.
“Zack, please. It is him. You know this."
“I can't. I can't think of him that way. I won't."
It would be a betrayal, he thinks. He would be the traitor his best friend accuses him to be. He can't think that way because that would feel like betraying Sephiroth and denying his humanity. But really it would mean believing his friend is still alive in there somewhere. Believing that he is the monster. And hating him in his entirety. But Zack doesn’t know if he can hate him enough to kill him.
Because heroes defeat bad guys and kill monsters. Heroes protect their friends from alien viruses and make promises to never hurt them. And if that truly is Sephiroth, then to Zack he's a friend to save and not a villain to defeat. A friend to save, not a monster to kill. Zack would hesitate. The world can’t afford that kind of mistake. Gaia can’t afford to have that kind of sympathy for her enemy.
So he lets himself believe that Sephiroth is well and truly gone, killed by that monster that takes on his form. It gives Zack the strength to fight and defy the creature if nothing else. Zack’s arms curl tighter around him, pretending it’ll ease his friend’s shaking. Pretending it’ll ease his own pain.
“Even after everything. I won’t believe that thing is him.”
It’s the past all over again. It’s Angeal deserting him. It’s Genesis wanting vengeance on the world that made him. It’s the degradation, the breaking of cells and the creation of monsters. The breaking of mind and soul and spirit.
"He used to tell me stories. When the mission was a failure; when he realised I was upset. Tried to make me feel better even if it wasn’t any easier on him." Told him things like target practice involving white apples and an endless supply of pride. Of fighting back to back and shoulder to shoulder like brothers. Even if it hurt him to remember. Even if the betrayal would rip open the wounds, exposing bone and flesh and leave him bleeding out over the graves his friends had dug for themselves.
“And like an idiot, it worked . I felt better.” Zack chokes on a laugh. "He was the best!"
The pain of his voice echoing in the endless white void. Invisible walls reflecting the sounds of his agony back at him. The monster's shadowy black liquid spreading through the shallow waters around them. Like ink seeping from the tendrils of his silver hair. Evidence of calamity’s tampering. His best friend is so terribly beautiful. And so terribly lonely. Like no other creature on Gaia.
I wasn’t strong enough. I couldn’t save them. I couldn’t do anything for them. He lets the guilt wash over him like hot water, cleansing or punishing. "I just… I failed him Aer. And if I have to go out there and fight knowing that it’s him inside that monster- I don’t know if I can do it again.”
The man stirs. Eyes blinking open from restless sleep. It’s almost familiar. The way Zack automatically expects the man to apologize like it was second nature to do so the moment anyone was displeased with him. Zack is too easily placated with a well placed apology, even one as devoid of meaning as the apologies Seph recited to him in the early days of their friendship. Always ready to ask for forgiveness. After all, it’s easier than asking permission.
The brief sting of annoyance catches up to Zack as always, never quite able to put it aside whenever his friend disappears for months at a time. Holed up in the data room, avoiding the world as it keeps turning - it feels a little like abandonment is all. But irritation gives way to concern as the taller man gets up on shaky legs, mind disoriented. The strongest SOLDIER extracts himself from Zack's tight hold.
"Woah hey."
"I… have to go."
"But you just woke up?" Bewildered, his friend's puppy eyes beg him not to go. "Seph?
Eyes closed, long dark lashes brushing delicately against too pale cheeks. Zack brings his bare hand to his face, cups it by the cheek, thumb softly rubbing under his eyes as if the action would brush away the bags under it. The younger man has always been like this, never shying away from touch. Much like Angeal, too close for comfort and breathing the same air. He was always just there , solid and immovable. Until the ground gave way beneath their feet and whoever was left standing could not stand on their own. Soft hearted Angeal; his rock solid foundation could calm the fiery agonies burning inside Genesis and would melt away the icy doubts from Sephiroth until his cluttered mind trickles free like a stream. And Zack - Zack belonged to freedom, to blue skies. Like the winds that caress his hair as the Silver Demon stands alone at the top of the world.
"You can stay, you know. You can come home ."
Stay with Zack, with Aerith, with the Planet. It would almost be too easy. To lay his head down to rest, let his being disperse into the lifestream. He could sleep forever. I would be nice. But -
"I can't stay, Zack," he whispers slowly, agonizingly as if their beloved puppy wont ever understand why he leaves. "I'm a monster."
“You’re not a monster!”
“Maybe you don’t see it. Do I have to change my form for you to believe?”
Just like Angeal . Words never said, but he hears it anyway.
It hurts. It’s meant to hurt. Sephiroth jabs at all his aches. Knows him too well. Sephiroth knows how to hurt him. Knows how to take up blades against him. And maybe his best friend and the monster are one in the same. And maybe one day Zack will have to kill his best friend in order to free him from the shackles of this existence.
"I can never return to the Planet, Zack. I won’t have that peace. Even if it’s all I’ve longed for.” Peace, sleep. All he ever wanted to was to sleep in peace. “My hatred consumes me, mother knows it. She wants my rage.”
"You're not a monster." Neither was Angeal. Or Genesis. "You’re- you're fragmented,” says Zack, their strongest believer. “You keep coming back in pieces because you want to stay while the world can’t forget how much it hates you. That thing takes on the memories of everyone living. And you become what they remember. They hate you." I did too. "But they don’t know you like I do. And I know you because- because I'm Angeal's legacy, which means I had to take care of you. I'm Gen's legacy, which means I got to kick your ass whenever I wanted.” He sobs, and laughs, and barely gets through his words. “And I'm your legacy. I'm your only remembrance.” Words he'd said to Cloud. Things he believed he was and could have been, if only-
“If I’d lived-” proof that you once existed. "If I lived…" then there's someone who really truly remembers you. The same way Cloud keeps the memory of Zack alive.
Copycat Zack with the copycat limit breaks, had passed everything of himself on to Cloud. Everything but the love he has for the man in front of him.
"Zack." If he didn't know any better, he’d never hear the devastation in his friend’s voice. But Zack knows better.
"You can't go back." Not without me there to remember you.
"Mother is calling for me."
"The b*tch can wait," he sobs.
Sephiroth chuckles weakly. "Must I indulge you at every turn?" and sighs, knowing the disappointment he puts his most loyal friend through. "I’m sorry Zack."
" No. Don’t say it." Determination writ on his too young face. "Next time, when you’re ready to mean it. I’ll accept your apology. When you’re ready to come home . Ok?"
"Zack-"
"Please,” he hisses, desperate for just a bit of reassurance, “just say you’ll mean it one day. You’ve never broken any word you’ve given me, please ."
"I can’t promise you that,” he sighs. “You say I’ve never broken my word against you… if nothing at all, at least give me that. I”ve already broken your trust enough. I won’t be a liar. Not to you."
Zack huffs and steps away from his reach. The younger man paces, frustration flowing like irritants in his blood.
"I’ll save you one of these days. I swear it, Sephiroth! I’ll save you!"
"I'm not your responsibility. None of this is your fault.” He smiles then, eyes closed in soft reminiscence. “ But I know you will try."
Zack clenches his fists. It’s not enough.
"I know Zack… you saved Genesis. You saved Angeal." The corners of his mouth curl softly upwards. A gentle smile, if a sad one. "I know you'll save me too."
"Think of me Zack.” His voice beginning to echo and disembody, though the image of him remains in the lifestream. “Remember me as I was. I'll cling to your memories too. And I'll find my way back home someday.”
"To stay?"
"Yes Zack. To stay."
"Even if the morrow is barren of promises?"
Seph laughs, genuine surprise in his smiling eyes "Nothing shall forestall my return.”
And Zack hears it, words said before at a time of uncertainty. When Sephiroth had been gone for too long out of his life.
We'll see eachother again
And Zack could only reply:
I'll hold you to that.
Then he's gone. Running off where his mother fills his every being. Gone to torture the world once more. There's a swish of cloth behind him. Aerith inching forward gently.
"Zack, I’m so sorry. He’s still in there somewhere.” There is sorrow in her voice, loss too.
"I can’t keep watching him die. Not when I- We can still save him, can’t we?"
Her eyes set in a firm, determined frown. "His will gets stronger at every resurrection.” Her small deceptively delicate hand squeezes his arm. There’s strength there. Strength from a woman who puts life above all things. A gardeners hands. "One day he will be stronger than even her.”
"Strong enough to come home?"
She smiles, genuine and glad; eyes closed as she nods her head. Her flower weathered hands, warm on his cheek.
"Then, we'll wait for him. Even if we wait until the end of Gaia."
You hear that buddy? We’ll wait for you. We’ll see eachother again.
I’ll hold you to that.