Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Neil

Neil had kissed only 2 people throughout his life and they had both left him feeling empty, so when Nicky had shoved his tongue down Neil's throat to force some cracker dust down his throat, Neil had felt that same emptiness but mixed with fear and disgust. 

Neil scratches at Nicky's arms trying to get Nicky off him. Stop. STOP. FUCKING STOP!

Neil finally reteches free from Nicky his mind all fuzzy and his vision blurry as he stumbles away from Nicky, who he thinks calls his name, but the ringing in his ears is so loud Neil can't be sure.

Neil needed to be away from Nicky, from the touches, just everything.

Neil's mind swirled as he tried to find the exit, the colors that were flashing, blurring together. Panic started to creep up as he couldn't find the exit and the control of his body going weak.

He mumbled apologies left and right when he stumbled into people, needing to quickly get somewhere, anywhere. Neil couldn't risk talking to Andrew without him spilling his secrets.

Neil's heart pounded so hard in his chest, he was surprised that it hadn't just popped out of him yet. It would be so much better if it just did.

He could feel his mother's sharp nails digging into his hair as she screamed at him, for not realizing that his drink was drugged.

Neil's breathing was becoming heavier and he could feel his eyelids starting to droop. He couldn't run with his senses dulled like this, he needed something... or someone.

As Neil stumbled to a table, his legs barely holding him, his frantic eyes landed on the guy who was wiping it down, and was staring at him with a look, Neil would've known if he wasn't drugged.

Suddenly an idea, probably stupid that he didn't have time to care or comprehend, but an idea popped into Neil's head, if he could pay the guy to knock him out then his secret would be safe.

Neil stumbled over to the guy, the guy's hands holding him steady as he swayed. "I'll pay you a hundred bucks to knock me out." Neil slurred out. His hand already reaching into his pocket to grab the money.

Neil had felt the guy's hand move off him and he expected his request to be accepted, but suddenly the guy grabbed his wrist, and suddenly colors were blurring together, everything blurry as he was dragged out through a back door.

Was the guy going to knock him out in the alleyway?

The loud music became quieter, the flashing lights barely there. "What are-" Neil had rasped out, before suddenly a hand was in his hair and pulling his head back into the cement wall, making his vision swirl, and a choked out noise of pain escaping his mouth.

The hand let go of his hair and Neil fell to the ground, he scrambled to find something to stable himself with, feeling blood pour down his face.

He didn't have time to process what was happening before he was being pushed back on the ground, pain shooting through his skull, and his vision unsteady.

Hands that he soon found unwanted dipped down underneath his shirt, groping, feeling, making his skin crawl. Like the way Nicky had kissed him, but multiplied.

No.

No.

Neil didn't want this, didn't want the hands that were on his body, didn't want to be assaulted, to be ruined more than he already was.

Neil tried to force his limbs to move, to try, but his body felt like pudding, and the thought that he couldn't fight back, made every muscle in his body tighten.

He tried to push the hands away and failed, could feel the hands brushing against the edge of his pants, before pulling them down.

He acted on instinct and head butted them, but stunned himself in the process, giving the guy more time to regain back his control and  before Neil knew it his head was slammed down on the ground. 

His vision blurred, his body limp, his thoughts hazy. Neil was so close to falling into the darkness. Just let me fall into the darkness.

But of course that didn't happen. 

Because suddenly there was a sharp pain going through his back, his lower half feeling like it was getting ripped open. His thighs shook and his back ached with each thrust. Neil's throat tightened, a scream filling up in his throat, before he couldn't contain it anymore. 

The man above him groaning as he rocked forward, making Neil want to hurl. Neil could feel fingers digging into his hips, adding to the pain.

Stop.

STOP.

STOP!

Neil wasn't even sure anymore if he was saying those words aloud or in his head, all he knew was that he wanted everything to stop. 

Neil could fell something wet trail down his cheeks and he wasn't sure if it was actually his from crying, or the man's sweat dripping down onto him.

It had felt like hours - maybe was - before Neil felt the weight above him dissappear, like he had been thrown off.

His mind was fuzzy but Neil could swear he heard multiple footsteps and sounds of screaming.

His body trembled, the pain now a throbbing sensation as he leaned against the cement. Neil could feel something warm and wet trickling down his thighs.

Neil forced his shaky hands to grab his pants that were at his ankles and pull them up, swallowing the whimper of pain that came.

His eyes were too blurry to cleary see what was happening, but what Neil saw was a person with blonde hair beating up the guy to a pulp. Neil saw other people surrounding the blonde hair person, could hear them screaming for them to calm down.

Neil doesn't know when or how, but suddenly 3 of them were towering over him, one of them reaching out his hands trying to coax him, which he flinched back from.

The same looming, the difference in height, the hands. Neil pulled his legs close, his hands gripping his hair. 

"No. Not again. Stop. Just stop."

Neil begged, his voice hoarse, and could hear the crack of his voice. New tears trailing down his cheeks.

The three people flinched, one of them a person with a tattoo on their cheekbone, Kevin? Neil thinks is his name, rushes over to claim the blonde hair guy's attention, the one who was pulvarizing... that person.

The two people who are left near him, try to get Neil to calm down, but he can't, he just wants to fall into nothingness, into darkness.

Kevin returns with the blonde hair guy. Andrew? Neil is pretty sure is his name, stares at him, bending down, Neil can see the tension in his shoulders , the strain in his eyes. 

Neil can see his mouth moving, but hears no words, his vision, soon going dark, and letting him slip into that comfortable darkness. The last thing Neil says in a mutter is, "Why me." And then everything's dark.

Chapter Text

Andrew

Andrew taps his finger on the table, as he waits and waits for the minutes to pass until he knows for sure that the drug is fully in Neil's system.

There's just something about Neil that Andrew can't quite place. He's dangerous. His shifty eyes, his colored contacts, the money, the pictures of Kevin and Riko.

Andrew needs to know what he's hiding. It's like an uncomfortable itch in his fingers that he can't seem to scratch.

Andrew looks around noting where Kevin and Aaron are, before trying to track Nicky and Neil. Andrew soon finds Nicky on the dance floor which is not surprising, but suddenly he sees Nicky grab someone, pulling them into a kiss.

Andrew would've pushed it off like usual if the person kissed him back, but that outfit... its the same he ordered Nicky to give to Neil for him to wear.

He sees Neil scratch at Nicky's arms trying to break free. Andrew can feel the buzzing behind his eyes the ringing, the voices, the pleading, the hands.

Andrew shoots out of his seat, stalking towards them, noting how Neil retches free from Nicky, stumbling away from him in panic.

Andrew's scars start to itch under his armbands, but he focuses on what he's going to do to Nicky.

Andrew hears Nicky call out for Neil, but doesn't have time to finish before Andrew is pulling him towards a wall, and digging a knife into his throat.

"NICKY." Andrew's voice comes out harshly, "I fucking told you to keep your hands to yourself." Nicky has the decency to look ashamed before his stupid mouth opens. "I was just giving him some cracker dust to speed up the effects of the drugs-" Andrew presses the knife harder to his throat.

Shut up.

Shut up.

...

You know you like this Andy, just admit it.

Aww, are you crying, Andy?

Shhh, we don't want Cass to wake up and find you like this, now do we, Andy?

Nicky's voice cuts through the buzzing in his ears. "A-Andrew, Neil's getting dragged by someone." Nicky frantically stutters out, pointing in a direction. Andrew turns away from Nicky, still keeping the knife to his throat. He sees Neil sure as fuck getting dragged out of the club through a back door.

Don't.

Don't fucking be what he thinks it is.

"Nicky, get Kevin and Aaron, now." Andrew says as he pulls the knife away from Nicky's throat. Nicky just stays rooted in place, "Nicky, I said to fucking get Kevin and Aaron." Andrew says more harshly.

Nicky finally gets the hint and finally moves to get them. Andrew sheeths his knife and moves towards the back door, shoving past people.

He needs to get to Neil.

Andrew slams the door open, and freezes in place, he can faintly hear a group of footsteps coming behind him, but the scene in front of him has his full attention.

Neil crying and begging for the man on top of him to stop, his choked gasps of pain, the lost look in his eyes.

That same look that Andrew once had, the same begging.

Before Andrew can even think, he's dragging the guy off of Neil and pummeling his face. The ringing in his ears is so loud that he doesn't even hear Nicky, Kevin, or Aaron yelling at him to calm down.

He doesn't stop though, not even when the man begs, because no one had ever listened to him when he begged, and now Neil had to experience that. So, Andrew doesn't stop.

He can't get rid of what the man did but what he can do is make sure the man either dies or becomes crippled, because there will always be people like this, no matter what.

You feel so good, Andy.

You are doing so good at staying quiet, Andy.

I'll never get tired of you.

Words flood through his memory... his words. So, Andrew punches the guy harder, trying to get rid of this tight feeling in his chest.

Andrew doesn't stop, not until Kevin says Neil name, only then does he take his eyes off the unconscious man.

Andrew's eyes flick to Neil, bundled up in a ball, shielding himself from Nicky and Aaron, tears streaming down his face as he begs.

Stop begging. They never stop when we beg.

Andrew makes his way over to Neil, his muscles tense as he fights off the memories that flood his mind.

He crouches down, "Neil." Andrew's voice is heavy with strain. Neil's eyes flick to his, his lips trembling. 

"Neil." Andrew, tries again, seeing the far away look in Neil's eyes. "Yes or No." Neil's body sways a little, and he notices the sign that he's going to fall unconscious, but before he can even think of grabbing him, Neil opens his mouth and mutters, "Why me." 

Andrew grabs Neil's outfit making sure not to touch him anymore than he already has been. 

He stands up with him in his arms as he carries him, motioning for the others to follow him, not answering their questions.

Andrew places Neil in the passenger seat, buckling his seat belt, before moving to the driver seat, waiting for them to get in. 

Andrew takes the VIP tag off the rear view mirror, throwing it in the cup holders. He'll return it later.

As he drives back to the house, the tightness in his chest doesn't go away, only seeming to get worse. Andrew's eyes land on Neil's unconscious body. If only he hadn't-

Andrew's hands tighten on the steering wheel, no he doesn't believe in regret and wasn't going to start believing now.

He spots the house and drives into the driveway, stopping the engine, staying in the car as Kevin, Nicky, and Aaron got out. 

Andrew looks back over at Neil, running his hands through his hair. He'll deal with this tomorrow, just... not now.

Chapter Text

Neil

Neil woke up, his vision distorted, his lower body sore in places he didn't want them to be. Neil blinked rapidly trying to focus on regaining his vision as he tried to remember where he was.

He was in a room that much Neil was sure of, laying on a bed. Neil's breathing started to pick up when he didn't recognize his surroundings and he frantically shot up.

Neil gripped his hair with one of his hands as memories from last night flooded back in.

Pinned down.

Pain.

Grunting.

Begging.

Crying.

Neil curled in on himself, both hands now gripping his hair, he couldn't think, couldn't breathe.

1...

2...

3...

4...

5...

Neil, tried counting but he still couldn't breathe, could only feel the burning sensation of hands on him.

His vision blurred as tears filled his eyes, he was gasping for air, as he rocked back and forth.

"Stop" Neil choked out, "Stop. Stop. Stop."

Neil had been stabbed at, shot at, literally tortured, but this... this was different, he had never wanted anything more than to rip his own skin off.

And that said a lot seeming as he literally hated his own reflection.

Neil suddenly remembered the guy being pulled off him, but by who?

Neil didn't have much time to think on that when someone touched his shoulder causing Neil to lash out in panic. He hadn't noticed that someone had came into the room, too caught up in his own panic and thoughts.

Neil's fist hit a jaw and he scrambled back further on the bed, trying to focus his vision to see clearly who it was. 

They looked familiar, the hair, the skin tone, the voice, but from where?

He heard the person yell for someone, Andr- something. Neil wasn't quite sure, still in the middle of a panic attack.

The person who had touched him earlier tried to coax Neil into saying he didn't mean any harm, he didn't believe him one bit.

He wouldn't trust anyone again, not after he had been...

Neil couldn't even say the word, he knew what it was but admitting it just made it real and Neil Josten was anything but real.

He tried to focus past the panic, looking more closely at the person in front of him.

Nicky? Was that his name? Neil wasn't sure but he didn't have the strength to open his mouth and ask.

A blond midget stormed his way into the room, glaring at Nicky? (Still not sure if that's his name) Neil couldn't hear past the ringing in his ear, barely managing to catch what they were saying.

"...told....leave... him alone"

"But... he looked... pleas-"

"You know... don't... word..."

Neil's head throbbed too much from how much he was focusing, he was getting tired of it, so he opened his mouth to say something but all that came out was a pained gasp.

The blonde midget, who Neil thought was Andrew, ordered the other person to leave, and Neil watched as they scurried off shutting the door behind them.

"Neil"

Neil flicked his eyes from the door to Andrew, seeing how his jaw was clenched, shoulders tense, eyes dark.

He couldn't help but tense in preparation, for what? Neil didn't know.

Andrew just stared at him silently, watching him for what felt like hours. Neither of them moved. 

Neil swallowed roughly, feeling dehydrated. The silence not helping the situation.

He couldn't take the silence anymore, so he opened his mouth to speak, to ask the question he was dreading. 

"Did...that guy..." Neil kept flicking his eyes between Andrew and the door. 

Andrew was silent but the emotions in his eyes told a whole other story.

"...Yes"

That single word made everything come crashing down. It was too much. Why...why was it always him, what did he do to deserve this?

This had to be a bad dream. Let it just be a fucking bad dream.

Neil hadn't realized he was hyperventilating again, until Andrew snapped his finger in front of his eyes.

Neil gasped out and finally took a breath. Shaky as it was, it was still a breath.

Andrew let Neil have a few minutes to calm down, at some point smoking a cigarette as he waited.

"It won't happen again." 

Neil flicked his eyes to Andrew, confused by the sudden words.

"Huh?"

Andrew turned his attention to Neil, stubbing out his cigarette.

"I won't let what happened last night, happen again. I promise."

Neil's eyes widened. 

Oh.

Oh.

...

Thump.

A weird warm feeling erupted into his chest, he didn't know what it was, but it wasn't fully unwelcomed, just...different.

"I still need to know who you are, but...I won't let it happen ever again."

Neil knew that Andrew was telling the truth, and that made the feeling in his chest even stronger.

Thump.

Neil just nodded, too scared that if he opened his mouth to talk that if would come out jumbled.

After a few minutes passed Neil managed to say, "Later, when we're back at Palmetto. I'll tell you."

Andrew stared at him for a couple of seconds before nodding, and looking away, as he grabbed another cigarette.

They stayed like that for a while in silence. Not uncomfortable silence. The silence where nothing needed to be said, when the silence already explained it.

Thump.

Again. That feeling in his chest became stronger. Neil wished he knew what it was because then he would know how to get rid of it, so that it wouldn't become a possible problem in the future.

Minutes went by as Andrew continues to smoke through his cigarettes and Neil breathing them in, taking in the comfort they gave him.

Neil wasn't ok, he wasn't ever going to be ok, but it was fine, he would get though it because Andrew promised he wouldn't let it happen again, and he didn't know why, but he trusted Andrew when he said that, and that should've scared him, but it didn't, not as much as it should have.

Neil knew he still had to give Andrew a truth of who he was (which would probably be a half truth), but that could wait, for now he just wanted to sit in comfortable silence, letting this new feeling overtake him.