Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Throughout Sigma's (theoretical, at least) short lifespan and his limited view of the world, he learned to avoid many things from the very beginning. Despite how ridiculous it may sound, he was never fond of small crowds; other people felt the total opposite in such an environment, no? But it's still just others. Sigma had already figured that out, no matter how hard he tried to appear “normal” (as people wanted him to be), he would always be different. Even in the biggest crowd in the history of the modern world, he would feel safer than in any other, and the worst thing about it is that he’s well aware of the reason why. You see, Sigma never tried to be different. He never asked for such a distinction. In fact, he wouldn't wish it on his worst enemy because he knows the damage it causes to individuals like himself. Sigma never tried to appear different; quite the opposite, in fact — if he could, he would’ve avoided those big crowds. The thing he found so compelling (in some strange sense of the word) about them was the silence. The silence, and the fact that every sane person in the crowd is as lost and confused as he seems to be... Sane person, huh? Or maybe Sigma just wishes to stay in all the noise they are making, as if they were trying to push him into doing something strange, waiting for him to slip and bang his head against the ground, reminding the world of his presence. Others will just step onto the next unconscious body and move on, forgetting about this weak form. Or maybe he’s the one going insane. The thought always made Sigma cringe, causing him to shrink.  

No, he just felt safe in the noise; it made him forget all his painful thoughts and memories. But, between us, Sigma never wanted to be part of the noise. Never wanted to stand right in the middle of it all, to hear all the foul and odd sounds, footsteps the rest is taking, and to feel them moving around him in some sort of bizarre dance he never quite understand. It was just... so disturbing and unreal, in some way. And yet, silence alone felt too dangerous, making him rethink whatever was on his mind — his past, that mostly is. Does that make sense? His past... No, he really thought his past was fine... Sigma never wanted to think about it ever again. With the Decay and his casino — his dear casino...that's where he felt really safe. But despite its secure location placed in each mindset, it was just occupying his brain with false hopes and ideas. Everything was just off. Yet that casino... God, he really shouldn't — the casino was his. He was directing it, and it was his duty to make the customers happy. Gosh, he was thinking about it all again. He shouldn’t. At least, that's what his specialist told him the other day. 

  Sigh ..yes, YES—that’s it, from now on; no casino, no Decay, no Dazai— he really thought about him? Dazai..no, he belonged to the past. We will not be going through it again. Never again.

Okay..now, that was quite an entrance, no? Alright, so..Sigma’s life right now..It has been rather volatile, lately. After the whole Meursault incident, he really tried to find some solid job. He needed money and something to occupy his mind with. He wanted to start a peaceful life..something he never had to experience before. But of course, at first he needed to find a place to sleep, which was, as he learnt later, not so easy task as he initially thought. But that..well, that’s pretty embarrassing thing to admit.. that his first day out in the wild..Sigma spend at…the police station.

 Why? He doesn’t really know himself. As he was told later, he was found in the ruins of the Meursault’s building, as it blowed up at some point of the previous night. Sigma wasn’t entirely shocked, as such things were happening before, especially if the Decay was involved. But why was he alive, then? Well, the police officers were wondering that too, and that was the main reason why they have detained Sigma as a suspect and have him arrested. That, and because he didn’t have any documents on him, which was pretty suspicious too. No injuries, documentation, some valid explanation—Sigma just submitted, not even trying to deny anything. Still, a cold cell may not have been the height of his dreams, but at least he had somewhere to stay instead of freezing his ass off on the street. 

Just great..

 And that way, Sigma spent a few of his days..or maybe it was weeks? You have to excuse me, days from behind those bars just seemed to become longer and longer, with the police clearly growing impatient and bored, since their suspect was silent the whole time and not necessarily open to any kind of cooperation either. He wasn’t dumb, he knew that whatever he would say, the officers would turn against him, as they were completely lost in the case. Until that one day.  

This day wasn't really any different from any other day in the cell. Except that it was, a little. On this day, no officer stood by his cell, which was a bit strange, considering they always sent someone there, even if it was just for a break, since Sigma never did anything. But on this day, no one came. He really didn't care. Except that he did, just a little. No matter how distant his past might be...Sigma always had a feeling that it was all just an act, something that someone had already predicted and written down in their plan. And right now... even though the place wasn't too bad—he had that feeling. But, yes, back to the story… So, Sigma wondered what unusual thing could be happening, and before he could even spoke up, the cell’s lock squawked horribly, revealing already familiar to Sigma face of an officer with always overly grumpy face on the other side of the door. 

 -Whatever, son, go home, we won’t get anything more out of you anyway.

The man admitted in a quiet mumble and held the room’s door open. While Sigma walked out of that precious cozy room behind with a soft sigh, wondering what he should do next, he had overheard a small conversation between two officers while filling some required papers at the reception, and couldn't help but listen in, curious about the unusual situation. Apparently, this “sensation” that shook the entire building was a man who believed himself to be a former employee of the blown up centre (Meursault), and- God, it was such a dramatic scene - he was screaming that he was going to tell the police everything he knew. Obviously, in the absence of any other evidence or news, this statement was taken seriously, which only served to emphasise Sigma’s ironic stance. 

They should really blow up a new feast in honour of such a sensation.  

Long story short, they let Sigma go and he was left pretty…disappointed. No, it was..great..but..ugh, how should he feel? He hoped - just a little, that someone would save him. He knew— not a very healthy thing to wish for, he knew, for as he's trying to get rid of that bitch. Well, no, that's great. He's finally living a normal, independent life - just as he'd hoped. Now he just needs to find a job and a place to sleep and he'll be fine. Just fine.

Just fine..

AUTHOR here!! :D

Hi, I know the chapter's a bit short, but take this as some sort of introduction to the story..and I promise that the next ones will be longer (ima slow writer so i dnt think so)! (Sorry if something is corny or smt i dont know what im writing sometimes lmao sory)

Chapter Text

Finding a job was a real bitch. You’ll have to excuse me for using such a vulgar language, but that’s all Sigma felt through past four days after being released from his cell. And honestly, even a cell seemed more comfortable than this. He didn’t get much sleep, forced rest on the park benches, wash in public baths and conditions. He would take food from the local food fridge, which provided some small meal left by some wonderful people. And thank GOD it was there, because he had not the slightest intention of begging others for it..He himself always felt sorry for such people, wanting to help them, but he saw that others were afraid or just didn't care enough to do or even notice anything themselves. Sigma had enough of dehumanisation, as felt he would have felt, being forced to look these people in the eye.

So he really didn't feel comfortable. He felt humiliated and unappreciated, also because he couldn't get a job anywhere because of his anonymity. That’s freaking right. He humbled himself not once, but several times, trying to get a job; first in the accounting department, ensuring that he could ‘manage the finances like no one else there’ - the second time as a hotel manager, trying to prove his skills in personnel management, customer service and logistics…Only to be dismissed, due to lack of “experience”. Experience. Sigma couldn’t argue—he could not even confirm his own identity, let alone the experience at the casino. Any mention of him was completely destroyed along with the place. He had to admit that Fyodor had done quite a good job—too good, perhaps. He begged the registration to check his data in the system, check his Casino on the internet—nothing. No information. Both ladies bid him farewell with some strange, almost pitiful expressions on their faces, which only pissed him off more. Regardless, working without these confirmations was illegal so no wonder he was denied.

So Sigma was homeless. The only thing he could wish for in this moment was to just get the hell back to this cell, when he spotted a..No.. He rubbed his eyes in amazement.

“What the hell..?”

But he could see clearly now. There, under a café’s banner, just across the street, stood Atsushi Nakajima.

“What the hell?”

Sigma couldn’t believe his own, drained eyes. This couldn’t be his imagination, no. He quickly gets closer, but then paused right behind the younger’s back. What he should say, do..? “Hey, can you please find me a job and some place to sleep, cause I’m currently homeless and freaking dirty?”—

-Hm? Sigma..?

Atsushi’s voice suddenly hang in the air. Crap. No WAY he said that out loud. Fuck. Sigma opened his eyes, noticing he had clinched them tightly for whatever reason before. He looked like shit, and he felt like one too.

Do something..freak, what am I doing..

-A-Ah! Atsushi..

IS THAT REALLY ALL?? Sigma wanted to rip all of his veins out and make some rope just to never look into Atsushi’s eyes ever again. And he looked so confused too. Fuck . The other just tilted his head in some worried way, as if asking the other to continue his thought, which never came with a feedback, so he spoke again.

-Sigma, do you..need help? It’s really nice to see you again, in..better..state….

Atsushi sounded as soft as he could and probably had in his whole life, not wanting to push the topic too much, since Sigma was having a hard time...obviously.

-I..

God, just say something, Sigma. You already told him. JUST SAY SOMETHING AND DON’T JUST STOOD THERE YOU MISERABLE MAN.

He fought his thoughts like crazy, ashamed of the state Atsushi had the unpleasantness to see him in.

-...I need a job.

Was all Sigma managed to say, fidgeting with the hem of his dusty shirt. He didn’t knew Atsushi well, after all, what would he think..? It was strange, Sigma was strange. He didn’t know who he was at all, dependent on others, relying on them and their instructions. Sigma knew, understood the needs of people, but what about himself? Why did he have to be so difficult ? Atsushi too would probably think that because he was left alone, he was now living on the streets. This was true. He was alone. But he hated it. And he hated the people who made him feel such way. He hated the Decay ; both Fyodor and Nikolai , that damn Casino ...and deep down—oh, and he hated himself more for even bringing it up— he hated Dazai , for bringing some hope into his life, something to hold on to. But he was now gone. Like everything else dear to him.

 From these thoughts snapped him Atsushi, who touched Sigma’s shoulder lightly. It was..such an innocent gesture..

 -Sigma..it’s good to see you, really. I’m relieved.

Why is he repeating himself..? Does he really mean that..?

Atsushi smiled. A refreshing sight.

 -And I think I would be able to fulfil your wish.

I will spare you all the reading about Atsushi's kindness and Sigma's great gratitude and go straight to the workplace where they both found themselves surprisingly quickly, probably too quickly, as Sigma jokingly pointed out, since it took them about two steps to get inside. This was the café where Atsushi had stood outside earlier, the plaque bearing the name of the establishment above the door was dusty and scratched, which made Sigma somewhat concerned about the state of the place where he could supposedly find employment. No, every employment was fine. Atsushi seemed waiting for something earlier, something he didn't really want to reveal, on which Sigma’s curious nature wanted to explore further. Sensing this, Atsushi hastily changed the subject as they crossed the threshold of the now empty spot, at what Sigma hummed in a slight disappointment, since it was nearly a middle of the day and he expected at least one costumer inside.

 -My friend Lucy works here half-time, and thanks to her I also know the boss of the place..

The boy rubbed the back of his head in a bit flustered manner, before walking over to the very poorly black painted counter.

-She has left for a few weeks now, but they are still looking for some new employees, so I think you will get hired just in time, quite a coincidence, no?

Atsushi smiled warmly, clearly eager to help, at which Sigma's heart sank. Words could not describe how grateful and relieved he felt that the other was with him (he also wondered if he could consider him a true friend at this point..). Maybe things were finally starting to look up... Sigma's thoughts wandered. This coincidence... looks like is something more. There is a strong possibility that he’s being a paranoid, but.... he just felt like someone was going to drop in there at any moment and—

The door to the café suddenly opened wide and Sigma gasped for breath as he quickly turned round.

 Of course, oh who could have guessed, nothing bad happened. No attack, no theatrical entrance, no abduction...no sight of that damn annoying laughter ... nothing suspicious at all. Before Sigma had time to process who exactly had entered the café so thoroughly, all he saw was the shadow of a darting Atsushi, heartly greeting the newcomer.

Standing there was an older man (he estimates his age to be somewhere between 50 and 60, but he was never really good at guessing such things actually) whose clothes really didn't fit the place- with all due respect, it was clear that he didn't really pay much attention to his appearance, with a loose, stained shirt and shorts (it was September), yet the expression he worn was stern and firm as he took a drag from his cigarette, the smell of which filling the room, causing Sigma to move his head backwards a little to avoid the cloud that the man made with it. Atsushi didn't seem too startled when talking with the elder, so Sigma assumed he knew the man. However, the conversation they were having seemed almost private, so Sigma just sighed and sat down at one of the tables, waiting for some sign.

He glanced around and noted the tidy, yet almost empty look of the hall. The windows were gloomy from the dirt on the outside where the street extended, and there was an obvious attempt to get rid of the problem, but apparently lost, as the windows were still dark from halfway down. Sigma made a mental note to ask for permission to clean them later...if he was hired, of course. He was still unsure of his position here.

After a time of about 15 minutes, Atsushi patted Sigma excitedly on the shoulder, sitting down opposite him and chin pointing at the older man, who now stood behind the counter with a bored look, the cigarette continuously lit.

-Congratulations, Sigma! You’ve just got a job! That man over there is the boss here..if you wondered...

Atsushi exclaimed, whispering the last part before reaching out for the other's hand in a gesture of congratulation, but Sigma just raised an eyebrow, not so convinced. Of course, he was pleased, but...was it really that easy? He followed Atsushi's gaze, frowning in confusion as his eyes flickered from one to the other of the men. The boss seemed unperturbed, but there was an impatient tone in his voice as he muttered something to himself, face turned downward as he wiped a few empty glasses with a cloth.

Are you serious?

AUTHOR here!! :D 

Here it is, a new piece and I hope you’re all doing fine! The story is finally starting to develop, I also hope you’re enjoying it so far! Stay tuned and prepare for the next update, comments very much appreciated and welcome.

That’s all, bye!

Chapter Text

Thus, Sigma found himself in his new job. It was a good thing, he got caught up in the whirlwind of it, and there were HELL a lot of tasks, especially as he was working alone throughout the premises. He didn't complain though, he preferred it to anything else. Sigma can't count how many times he thanked both the boss and Atsushi for their help, assuring that they don't know how much it will help him.

 "-Truly, I am eternally grateful to you....

-Well, if you are so eternally grateful then take out the rubbish."

Yes, what a silly exchange of words, but Sigma noticed that despite somewhat repulsive appearance, the boss was actually rather a reasonable person, if not nice.  As Atsushi later explained when visiting Sigma during his work—the café’s was one of the few places that offered a sense of employment to those in financial or life difficulties. This only increased his gratitude to his boss as a person, and Sigma couldn’t wish for anything better.

Also, Atsushi — really, this guy — offered him a place to sleep on an air mattress in his apartment. It was small, but adequate.                             It all really was going the right way. As the days passed, Sigma became more and more skilled in his job. He served customers who, strangely enough, began to congregate in larger groups than before. He wonders - is it because of him?

Pfft, don't be silly, Sigma.

So he served more customers, sometimes regretting that he was working alone, but often rewarded with kind comments and tips, he stood back up to continue his shift. In the time away from orders and crowds, Sigma cleaned. And there was a lot of cleaning to be done. The windows were finally perfectly clean (although the fumes continued to stain the outside part). He even took the liberty of putting up some decorations and banners to prompt the place more. 

In short, changes and changes everywhere. For the better, he just hoped. The boss visited his local quite rarely, but even when he did, he was not very interested in changes and progress—at least not mentioning them. He gave his new employee a free hand, bestowing upon him quite a lot of trust, which still aroused considerable admiration in Sigma. How could this man be so reckless? Well, that made him try even harder in the café, very much appreciating the trust bestowed upon him, wanting to prove his worth more. 

It was the middle of the day, peak time, but today seemed to be a much quieter day. Not too much people— just a few tables to serve, which was just perfect. Sigma was taking a breather, calmly going about his duties, maintaining his professionalism but also keeping his charisma, which allowed him to interact pretty well with his customers, and that made his work time even more pleasant.

He was just walking from the counter to the main hall, a tray of sweets in his hand, ready to deliver the order. As he passed by one of the tables he suddenly felt..off... and that feeling stopped him in his tracks for a moment. The hair stood up on the back of his neck…And then it hit him.

 -Where’s Lucy?

That voice.

Sigma held back his breath in a pause that felt like an eternity. He heard..it was faint and seemed distant, the sound of an impatiently stepping foot on the wooden floor, which occupied his mind. And not only that—Sigma could practically feel the blood flowing towards his feet through the tight veins. And the next thing he heard from behind him was a soft sigh.

That..

-Seriously, where is she, my order is taking foreverrr..

…

Before he could react, Sigma’s grip on the tray loosened and all of the plates and all pf the glasses turned into billions of shards of glass, which fell to the floor alongside crushed biscuits and other liquids. And he still couldn’t move. The sudden noise startled a few people beside him, but nobody attempted to help.

He finally snapped out of the terrified-like trance and rushed downward to clean up the mess, before he heard a faint sound of the glass moving behind his back, meaning that someone had just picked it up. Sigma immediately grew concerned and turned around to assure the person he was indeed fine with the issue by himself. 

God, just please let it not be him—

He turned all the way around, but the only thing he could notice...was a pair of two chocolate eyes looking right into his own.  They..sparkled in some..he couldn't quite describe it… (And Sigma could swear he could smell a faint scent of something around them both..) But this eyes...they shined like a whole bloody sunset...What a reassur—

-AGHHCK-!

The illusion faded, as Sigma suddenly squeaked in pain, the shattered glass he held in his palm cutting his skin open. The faint smell of the blood started to get stronger. The man whined in dear agony, trying to remain calm, but the image before him was just terrible. Not just terrible, god, it was absolutely horrendous. Sigma, he smiled, although it was a very weak call for help he didn’t received at the moment. At any moment. How familiar it felt. And the person before him already had faded away, or rushed out, he couldn’t tell, he didn’t know. 

God, please help me..

 -Sigma..!

Some distant voice..It was Atsushi, Sigma could tell, though he had already fallen onto the floor, blacking out.

Hi, author here! 
Sorry for the wait (to whoever is reading this fic I love you) IK it’s very short and shi but here it is wow so dramatic and spontaneous. I’m a bit sick idk why but in such state I was flashed by the ideas and had to write. 
So yeah, I hope it’s not the ao3 curse (tho they usually survive) 

I actually kind of wanted to write an angst here but whatever god help me I’m feeling terrible so you must prepare for the next chapters.

byebye

Chapter Text

Sigma didn’t know when he had woken up. It felt strange. It. He felt aware. He was aware of what was affecting him. He was also aware of what was around him. He knew where he was, but this place was strange, too. Yes, it was certainly real, but he wasn't thinking about that now. Previously, Sigma had never noticed that something was different or unfamiliar and at that moment, lying on the bed, senses numb and with a clouded sense of awareness, he could feel his mind screaming that something was wrong, but was drowning out the sensation at the same time. A weird feeling.

But maybe it wasn’t real after all, although Sigma couldn’t tell what exactly- whenever it was the sensation or the whole place. Now that he’s looking around it, he feels all the same again. He just k n o w s , damnit , he knows the place...yet at the same time it looks so unfamiliar . The man tried to stand up and h is legs slid off the mattress so lightly...

Is this a dream..?  

Or maybe it was drugs? Yes, that's quite a ridiculous idea.. His thoughts were so loud that Sigma got the impression that someone was whispering them in his ear instead of coming right from his own head. The noise bounced off the corridor walls so that everyone there could hear it, even though he himself was still standing beside the bed. That corridor was nowhere to be seen, not even through the room he was now occuping. But he just assumed it was there. He knew. Sigma frowned with deep concern. That wasn’t real. The things surrounding him didn't look real either, stuff appearing in the corner of his eye whenever he moved, despite him being sure they weren't there seconds ago.  

No, it was shock .  

Sigma remembered. The images flashing before his eyes, the previous event reminding him of the revelation from that moment before he collapsed. And...he didn’t know what to feel at all. It was so incomprehensible, to him, to say the least. Maybe if someone had looked at his situation, his whole convoluted life story, and if that someone had really been sincere in their intentions - perhaps that someone would have concluded what Sigma's own mind, so twisted and doomed, should be feeling right at the moment. However, he had never met anyone like that in his life. Or even if he had - he already preferred to be left alone with his twisted and doomed mind, although help was probably the most needed advice he should get in his entire life. But that's the way he's always been.  

Sigma sniffed, a low chuckle growling from his throat.  

- Am I truly giving up?  

What...What am I rumbling on about?  

He gripped his hair tightly, a sudden rage occuping his jaw, tensing it horribly. Sigma tried to open it, but whenever he tried, it was like another person – he, exactly – closing it back. He wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean and maybe he wouldn’t be pleased knowing. It was just a dream, after all. But if so..Why he was feeling so..contradict? What?  

That is..  

He felt so light in the head, of course , but what about that...rather ubiquitous pain which his lungs seemed to just drown in, the senescence filling the veins and arteries, finally infecting the whole system, the infection alone being someone maliciously sticking him with a pin in a place that should hurt, yet Sigma neither felt real pain nor could identify where it was placed. The mere thought that the infection was there and thriving was enough. He didn't need real power. 

And all that to just distract him from thinking about Dazai. Really? 

Full of contradictions, he unconsciously closed his eyes, immediately feeling a sudden pressure running laterally throughout his body , as if  falling from a great height, yet he knew there should be a bed underneath him. But it was an illusion after all, and instead of landing on a soft, unfamiliar mattress, he was now floating on a cool breeze. Or water. But he couldn't be sure, as his eyes seemed glued shut; the water or wind prevented him from opening them to the rest of the world.  

Soon Sigma felt he was running out of air. Cursing everything around him, he continued trying to regain his sight, unconsciously drowning in the depths of something. He thrashed terribly, persistently shaking his entire body only to see something he was not ready for and something he would finally ultimately never see in this dream. His feet suddenly seemed to feel something mushy beneath them, sand, or some other loose material, but Sigma continued to stubbornly stand his ground, to the point where the air was running out of his pain-infested lungs. 

Something then grabbed him in the loose earth below and he let out a scream that never made it to his ears. He continued to try to scream. Nothing. He continued. Nothing. Nothing, except the horror that he heard in his head. 

PLEASE HELP ME.  

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...

...

Sigma woke up with an irritating feeling inside his throat. Was he screaming before...before what exactly? It didn't fit though, the feeling that was gripping him now was too..subtle , as if he was crying, yet made no sound, stifling the senescence within him and this as a result.

He slowly recovered his senses, feeling his body sink into the incredibly soft mattress beneath, muscles relax against the squashy material. Sounds began to reach his ears, yet he still couldn't hear much. Even if something was unusual enough to catch his attention, the man was unable to understand what the callers were talking about or locate the source of the sounds, due to his state of overstimulation he found himself in. As if forgetting about the weird dream and a message behind it, Sigma delayed opening his eyes for a long time while he gradually regained his awareness of the previous day's events. He was afraid to open them in case he was confronted by a pair of hypnotising eyes. He despised those eyes- trying to despise them as much as possible.  

Dazai ..he really just showed up..?  

Or maybe it was only his imagination. Sigma couldn’t tell. Despite his employment, which took up all his time and thoughts, his sleep condition worsened as time went on- his head was pounding, as if to stop him from thinking about these things, and he started to wonder what they really meant. Thinking about it was painful, yet somehow enticing. Don't think anything weird or gross— please . This was just the only conclusion Sigma's pained, shaky, bleeding head would allow him to reach. It was the only thought he could form before he was interrupted by a hand that suddenly caressed his leg, which he noticed was numb for some time now.  

Sigma saw a woman with chopped, dark hair, decorated with a rather beautiful gold butterfly hairpin. He thought he would have loved to wear one himself, but quickly put the idea out of his mind.  

Must this really be my first thought when I meet an unknown person..? Really, Sigma..   

Anyway, the woman continued to lightly brush his leg. Sigma squinted slightly and moved the limb out of her reach. She didn't seem offended at all, but to his surprise relocated, pulling her arms up apologetically. A smile adorned her face, and she spoke in a cheerful tone, as if bantering with him (which he also didn't necessarily liked, but kept it to himself, for now). 

- You’re Sig ma, no ? You look disoriented as hell, I get it, honestly , it must be hard.   

His frown just deepened. She wasn’t helping his case, the concern and confusion just growning with her every word.  

-What exactly must be hard. .? 

Sigma asked, eager to clear everything up and leave this place, whatever it was, and yet his voice didn’t sound senthusiastic at all. Speaking of which, he made an attempt to look around. It looked like some kind of a hospital room, with all the drips and the generally bright appearance. Looking down, he saw that he was still dressed in his work attire, which was just a simple white vest with a pair of dark jeans (and which, funnily enough - he had begged his boss to let him wear as waiter's outfit as his own clothes were not suitable, in his opinion). Sigma was still wearing it, but the change he noticed-a bandage on his right hand. Was his wound that serious?    

I mean, there sure was a lot of blood...  

The woman, whose name Sigma already knew was Yosano because of his abilities (speaking of which he didn't necessarily needed to use), suddenly hesitated, as if thinking whether she should reveal the information she knew and the reason why the other was there. Yet, her facade didn’t shook, instead noticing the look Sigma was giving her, changing to his wound, yet not really answering his question either.  

-Atsushi brought you here yesterday in a hurry and without any futher explanation. I wasn’t too surprised, tho, he’s a nice boy, and since our Agency is placed just across the street from..whatever place he brought you from, it took him just a moment to drop you here.  

Sigma wasn’t exactly listening at this point, yet Yosano just kept on explaining.

  The Agency? That’s where he was?  

- Anyway, my name’s Yosano. I'm the one who had rescued you earlier... 

Yes, I already know that.  

The woman was clearly not satisfied with his nod of acknowledgement, as she took a seat on his bed and started to describe her position within the organisation, eventually complaining about her pay. Sigma didn’t exactly stop her, either out of politeness or tiredness, he wasn’t sure, but he nodded along, not really passionate about the conversation.  

Eventually, Yosano stopped due to the noise in the hallway. He heard it, too, and felt a sudden pang of relief as he lowered his head onto the soft pillow. He didn’t usually mind listening to others talk, especially if discussing problems they were struggling with. But right now, he was too damn drained.

-The Armed Agency... 

Sigma mumbled under his now regulated breath as he watched Yosano walk out into the hallway to see what was happening. He noticed his eyelids becoming heavier... And just before he could close them, he caught sight of something out of the corner of his eye. It sent a shock and a sudden something through him, as if someone had just flipped his insides out and pushed them down his throat in a rough or violent manner, making it so hard to breathe. With a blurry vision, Sigma’s heart started to take a rapid pace.  

It was only a glimpse, but he knew it was more than just that. Sigma really hoped he was wrong, but damn it, he couldn't have been that bad. 

Another glimpse and this time noise seemed more further away, deeper in the hallway, although it faded as quickly as before. 

It’s him.  

With barely anything visible now, Sigma slowly stood up, holding onto the bed frame and then the wall. He walked cautiously into the corridor and followed the trail of what he had just seen.  

And he was now standing, in this room - office, call it whatever you what, and he at that moment not really cared, focused on one point of it. 

-Dazai. 

hi, please try to understand something..

Dazai is  finally mentioned yay 

TGCF reference WHAT?????

ALSO I don't know why some of the letters are separating at some points?

bye!

Chapter Text

-Dazai.  

The name barely slipped from his mouth, feeling so much... rage. Sigma didn’t really know where it all was coming from. He thought about that man at least once a day, but never felt..like this before. Seeing him was so surreal; it was like meeting someone who you thought wasn’t real at all. 

Except he was, and Sigma could see him sitting at his desk as if it were the most important case in the world right now, with Sigma standing just three metres away. His heart was beating so fast that he was sure it would fall out at any moment, he was sure of it. Heart, head, breath... Everything was uneasy and hurt so badly. This encounter happened so suddenly that his emotions didn't have time to be processed properly and at some point Sigma realised that he couldn't breathe- too focused on the figure in front of him, whose face he couldn't even see properly. He's alive.

Just don't pass out now, Sigma..and don't show..don’t show..  

WHY it was affecting him so badly..God, no. He was being so dramatic.  

-DON’T say anything. .. 

He wasn’t sure who he was talking to right now; the pulsing feeling in his head was taking over everything. The man took a few steps closer to the desk where the familiar was sitting, not reacting even A BIT. 

Eventually Sigma propped himself on the desk before him, the breath heavy, the pain visible in his eyes. Fuck his head hurt so fucking much he just wanted to yell in agony, fall down onto the ground and never stand up, EVER again, wanting to everyone just watch him die slowly, with him letting them to just watch and watch and watch. It was almost as if he wanted them to observe- to see the state he had brought himself to. Selfish, he knew. With people stepping on him, making him fade in the noise he would turn into, before walking away and let the man suffer by himself. Because that was all he ever was. Lonely, but most likely just alone. No one was ever there to held him up, but when he saw someone suffer suddenly he was their only source of help? That’s just sad..and pathetic, Sigma felt so too.  

Yet he didn’t fell. Sigma stood his ground and finally looked the brunette in the eye. And..he saw nothing he would have expected. No apologetic gaze, no misery...just clear apathy. 

Suddenly, Sigma felt..the water gathering in his own eyes and rised his hand to slam it down onto the wood, but...something had stopped him before.  

What’s that..? I need to, I want to..  

And it was him.  

Sigma looked up, not noticing when Dazai had stood up from his place. And his look...Sigma’s emotions were changing so quickly, he also hasn’t perceived when his rage faded, replaced by an instant..relief. And, oddly enough, this feeling gave him a certain reassurance, he found solace in this unfamiliar state.

He freaking hated himself. His feelings..he couldn’t understand them, couldn’t name them.. So he was surprised when he heard his quiet and fragile voice, probably expecting to excessively lash out.  

-..Why did you made me do this.. And keep on making.. That.. I can’t quite understand..what exactly is that, what’s making me feel such different ways.. fuck .. 

He begins to mumble, closing his eyes as the pain in his head suddenly becomes unbearable. Sigma clenches his fists, as tightly as he could now, hoping the feeling will pass, but nothing changes. As always. Nothing has ever changed. No one came, despite how many times they begged for it. And he had enough begging...Perhaps it was his fault that he suffered alone, dreading every approach. And yet he still expect mercy?  

Sigma could feel the warmth radiating from Dazai's hand, that’s now holding his own, and he hates to admit how much it helps him calm down...The man then feels a second palm slowly pushing his bangs back and checking his forehead perhaps for any pain or warmth.  

How can he be so gentle.. when I seem so...aggrieved.

Before he knew it, they were both in some car, crossing the distance in pained silence. Dazai still appeared indifferent to the situation, although Sigma could sense that the other was as confused as he was himself. That didn't mean he didn't continue to feel all the hatred, though. It was still there. Damn it! But with Dazai holding his hand over the car's gears, Sigma could feel every subtle movement and... no, it was wrong. 

Sigma didn’t knew where they were going, and actually, did he really needed to know...? 

What? Of course I need!  

What a stupid question! Is he really thinking of Dazai as someone worthy of his trust? Never again. He’s an arrogant asshole whose actions have only ever made him feel nothing but confusion and a whole host of mixed emotions. Or maybe he never did anything? Dazai ... Perhaps Sigma only subconsciously created his character as some kind of a saviour for himself, someone he could blame for all his frustrations and failures, explaining that this one should only deal with his rescue, and for that he is a failure himself.  

What a pathetic man you are, Sigma. Always needing an excuse for everything..admitting weakness isn't enough, you know?  

That man really made him doubt his own perception of everything - Sigma thought, while looking out the window in some melancholic manner.

It was so wrong. Sigma's empathic side began to play tricks on him, creating a bubble of sorts in his mind, flooding his aching skull with questions and analysis, making the male dizzy. It was also hard. Living with that painful guilt, never fully able to despise someone, knowing damn well it's always about one's insecurities or previous misfortunes. At first, Sigma saw Dazai's past actions as an act; he thought Dazai was only willing to use him for the "greater good", as that was all he knew back then. Yet despite his ridiculous way of talking and expressing his thoughts, Sigma became somewhat attached to Dazai — it was silly, really. "Attached" — and they had only known each other for a day. Dazai gave him something he couldn't quite name; it was a brand new sensation. But when they were locked in that damn prison, he felt human. That man... that stranger...! He gave him a sense of belonging — he was given a choice.

Sigma wasn't sure whether it was that or the silent promise of a new, easier life. Or maybe just both.

The passenger's silence picked Dazai’s interest, or at least what he tried to cover up his growing concern deep down.  

-Where are you currently staying? 

His tone was unlike from what Sigma had expected. It was quite...gentle and very different from the overbearing, boastful voice he remembered so clearly, and that made him want to look at the other, but something stopped him. Was it anxiety? Anxiety about what exactly..? Sigma hesitated, certainly reluctant. 

-Atsushi was kind enough to lend me his place..Really, this guy.. 

He leans his head against the vehicle seat before sighing, sounding merely exhausted. Sigma couldn't help but feel warm inside once again at the memory of Atsushi, the only person to show him any compassion. However, the man still felt bad about it, sometimes feeling that the boy cared too much about others...

At that, Dazai just laughed.  

There it is.  

-Ah, Atsushi, huh? First offering you his place, then a job? Sweet guy, isn’t he..I knew you two will eventually find each other. 

The brunette considered this with a chuckle as he took a sharp turn in the road, causing them both to tilt to one side. Sigma couldn’t help but find his statement a little suspicious – or was he just looking for some flaws? He would probably have dismissed it as unimportant, but amidst the chaos inside the car, he noticed one detail. He remembered that the day he met Atsushi, the boy had been holding something. He hadn't noticed it before, but now it was clear that the keychain Atsushi had that day, which he was going to hand to someone, was indeed the same one hanging from the mirror in Dazai's car.  

Sigma’s head snapped to the side in the shock of realisation. 

-IT WAS YOU?! 

The driver laughed. H ow he missed it..  

-Yeah, whatever. 

Dazai tried to change the subject, but Sigma persisted, now feeling a mixture of anticipation and..was it really excitement? So Dazai DID know where he was all along? That he was aware of his situation and yet hadn't helped him, leaving Sigma to suffer alone in fear? To let him live on the streets and..Maybe he wasn’t that pleased to know this after all.. 

-You’re impossible.. 

Sigma muttered, but surprisedly not that angered as he exected himself to be. What changed? 

-Where are we heading, anyway?  

I really must consider the kidnapping option...  

-I need to have a drink.  

hi!

A short chapter again (is it?), but well what can I say.. a masterpiece won't write itself dhdj 

Obviously, Im just joking. I do like Shakespeare tho- a murderous intrigue when??? 

I thought that actually that whole Sigma's monologue every second might be getting quite tiring, BUT i reassure you that is the plan

UPDATE: turns out my sickness came from my new medication, so yeah, that were just some side effects, nothing to worry about much. 

I wish you all a wonderfull day, 

byebye!!

Chapter Text

It certainly did not turn out as Sigma had expected and shortly after their conversation, the car came to a stopping point. Dazai gestured with his hand to Sigma not to get out just yet before sliding out of the car himself, which Sigma could only respond to with a snort and a slightly winced expression. As usual, he was left with no reply or explanation - how typical it was, but then again, he was used to it by now. So with that commanding motion, Dazai left the car, leaving the man alone. Once again. But whatever, Sigma thought, looking over at his surroundings. The car stood in a dark alley and there was some omnipresent, unsettling atmosphere, as if someone was about to lunge at him from the other side of the window. He knew it was more likely to be Dazai's attempt at scaring him than an actual threat, but the feeling remained. Meanwhile, Sigma failed to notice the dark-haired man nearby, swallowed up by the darkness around the vehicle. Sigma didn't even notice when the sun went down — as Dazai dragged him out of the Agency, the day still remained bright. Now, however, he couldn't even recognise where he was, which made him rather anxious about not knowing how long it would take to reach Atsushi's headquarters, which were most likely on the other side of town.   

Just great..  

Sigma sighed and leaned his head back against the seat. Whatever the other was up to, he would remain unbothered and, most importantly, would not be drawn into his absurd antics again. Just for safety reasons. 

Guided by this conviction, the man allowed himself to sink into an increasing sense of exhaustion. He soon closed his eyes and changed his sitting position to a more comfortable one, his thoughts slowly quietening... 

...when he was interrupted by a sudden bump in the back of the car. 

What the..?

Noise caused Sigma to jump a bit, but he quickly looked over his seat and out of the window at the back.    

What the hell ?  

This kind of sentence dominated his thoughts as his eyes widened in disbelief and then changed to pure bemusement as he recognised the scene unfolding before him.  

The view was as follows: Sigma did not see all the commotion, but it appeared that his colleague Dazai, who stood there unexpectedly, and who’s face had been pressed against the window through which Sigma saw him. He looked just silly like this. It seems like there had been a small, unfortunate mishap involving others whose faces Sigma no longer recognised . Just as quickly as his emotions had changed from shock to amusement, Sigma's feelings shifted again, this time becoming concerned. He paused for a moment to consider whether he should help the other. He would have preferred not to get involved, but it was clear that Dazai was rather helpless, judging by his position pressed against the window.  

The man sighed, eventually opening the door of the car and slowly making his way towards that scuffle.  

Leaning against the machine, Sigma asked the bruntette, whos face was now held down to the glass.  

-Having fun?  

Sigma sarcastically asked, hiding his mouth behind his hand to keep from bursting out into thunderous laughter. Whatever was happening, Dazai deserved it as hell. He was almost tempted to call to whoever was involved in this encounter and just cheer at them, until they actually spoke up.  

-What the hell are you laughing at, asshole? You’ll be next, don’t worry. 

The thinner of the two men spoke up, and Sigma swallowed his tongue, not being quite fond of the idea. He always tried to avoid any conflict, let alone an actual fight. And so, because of his lack of response, not very long afterwards, Sigma was pressed against the cold car window next to Dazai, who only laughed while looking the other in the eye (or at least trying to, given the pressure on his head...) . And they laughed together, enduring the pain inflicted on them by others. Sigma looked again into those shining eyes, whos warm hazel irises reminded him only of dark chocolate. He remembered them being as mysterious as they were disturbing before, yet right now they laughed with such gentleness as if they knew all his secrets but never intended to reveal them to the world beyond them both, keeping them only to themselves as a sign of their ever-present agreement and understanding. 

And Sigma found himself wanting this moment to last forever, with no regard for their past or what was yet to come. After years of belittling and evading, God had certainly turned towards him — and now Sigma felt as if he himself had looked down on his pitiful existence and given him his most precious gift: time. At last, he felt encouraged and fulfilled. 

And Sigma knew that he had just experienced a change that he would never know again in his downtrodden life.  

After a little over an hour, they finally freed themselves from their attackers' grasp, as they had grown tired of harassing them, walking away. Sigma was the first to straighten up, noticing how his back hurt due to the position. He adjusted his plain black-and-white suit and loosened up the tie (his work attire, as he had mentioned earlier) and let out a quiet chuckle that soon turned into quite a hearty laugh. 

Dazai, who had been laughing along with him, turned around and, leaning back against the car's back, raised an eyebrow and inquired,  

-What was that supposed to mean? 

Sigma, not really understanding the question just laughed even more, prepping his hands over the car varnish for support. 

-And the hell THAT was supposed to mean? Are you suddenly a mafia boss or something?  

The brunette eyes flickered in some knowing tensed light, yet didn’t point anything out, instead just shaking his head at the oblivious one. That was his own case.  

-Ha, I wish. Maybe then  I would be able to get out of that silly mess, before things would get..handy. 

Dazai stated ironically, pushing himself off the car, quickly flickng Sigma's nose, before jokingly striking some ninja poses, at which Sigma couldn’t stop laughing, that’s how ridiculous his companion looked. He couldn’t stop laughing.. 

We have a tendency to idealise people. 

Sigma knew that a long time ago. He knew it when he started planning evenings for guests at Sky Casino, he knew it when he first met Dostoevsky. And he did the same with Dazai. We often idealise not only a person's actions alone, but their entire sense of character. There's something so uncanny yet vulnerable about this kind of behaviour — something we almost wish to change in others and on such a large scale, we ignore their true nature in favour of our own imagination instead of confronting it. Confronting, facing the reality of them not fitting in our image of them. We either yearn to understand them without being given such option, or we wish for them to be someone else. Instead of accepting their nature, we idealise the idea of them being someone we deserve and think of them as a saviour whose only purpose is to show us what we think we deserve ourselves. Because it's about how we feel about them, without them, when they can't reach us.

Just for us to be disapointed when we finally meet them, seeing that in reality they actually have a skin and they have a beating heart, blood that’s flowing through their veins. And we get scared, disgusted maybe.  

I really thought about this human being as someone I created myself..?  

Or maybe we just stay disappointed and laugh a little.  

The thing is, this mostly happens when people are away. It could be months or days; what matters is that we're insecure enough to start imagining what they could be doing and how they would act. Some people may become increasingly anxious and jump to various conclusions. They may even completely change their perception of the absent person just because they thought of something that the other person might think of – "and that's why we should never talk again". Ridiculous. Yet if we consider how many people think this way and come to such ridiculous conclusions, maybe there’s something in it.  

But if you knew this person for just a day, what would you think of them after being separated for months?  The two of you never had a proper chance to get to know each other well, and yet would you still think of them as someone 'more' after? Sigma did indeed. Even when he didn’t want to, he did. But only when Dazai was away – never before. While he slept at the police station, even after staying at Atsushi’s apartment – there was always a thought at the back of his mind that made him look around, just to make sure Dazai wasn’t there. This also reassured him a little — after all, Dazai was more than capable of locating Sigma, so maybe...he just longed to be found. The lack of knowledge on Sigma's part regarding Dazai's survival ensured the safety of these thoughts, in a strange way. They felt safe, without any of them getting involved...

Hii, 

I will be finishing this one later, cause I'm DRAINED. 

My friend told me what's happening in BSD now and HOLY????? I'm not that involved to be writing abt it (or maybe..?), yet I think this all is taking quite a right direction, I mean?? 

I've noticed that if I'm about to write some philosophical, gut-wrenching sentences (hsndbvcgh), I'm cooking, but a simple dialogue? Yeah, not happening. Sorry guys, I'm working on it.

EDIT: sorry I uploaded two versions of this chapter at once sorry hdjdhd

Alright, that's al Ig, 

stay tuned,

byeee!