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Chapter Text

When he wakes, he can hear someone crying.

This is not a rare occurrence for him. He's grown accustomed to all sort of sounds of human suffering during the past 319 days. This is far from the worst one.

The cries are soft, as if they're trying to be quiet. Not much use in it, but James understands. He didn't want them to hear him cry or scream at first either. But it's of little use to care about that at this point.

It doesn't take him long to figure out what feels different about these cries.

They're too close.

He's lying on his threadbare mattress (more of a thick mat really) and it's as if the crier is sitting right beside him.

He's never heard a sound from the cell next to him in all his time here. At first he'd thought the wall might lead outside, he'd even spent some time trying to dig a hole in one corner with a jagged piece of stone he'd snuck ages ago. But then... on one of the rare days he got taken out of his cell, he'd caught a glimpse before being walked in the other direction. There was another door beside his. He'd assumed then that there was an imperturbable spell on the wall to avoid prisoners speaking to each other.

Maybe if this happened six months ago... he'd already be thinking of ways they could plan out an escape. But now... it's like he physically can't. His brain feels mushy. He couldn't come up with a half-decent plan if he tried. 

Maybe this new person, fresh-brained, will have some idea he hasn't thought of. Though James isn't even quite sure he would follow them. He know what happens if they get caught. And maybe it makes him a coward but he doesn't really want to risk it.

The crying still hasn't stopped.

Obviously, whoever it is on the other side of the wall has just been brought in. He should give them some time to cool off, to grieve, before trying to talk to them.

He feels kind of shitty that this person was going through one of the very worst days of their life and he only feels... well, expectant at the prospect of being able to talk to someone.

He needs not to fuck this up.

He should wait. Think about this.

But...

They still haven't stopped crying. Not even a little bit, and he just has to say something.

"Hey, hello there... I'm sorry I don't mean to interrupt your... crying..." Great fucking job, James, way to be tactful. But the crying slows down slightly, or at least quiets, so he continues. "I know this is kind of weird but I'm in the cell next to yours. There's supposed to be an imperturbable charm on these walls but it's weak on the lower back corner of our shared wall. I think it's because there's a small crack on the wall, at least on this side... I'm sorry, I'm rambling, and you're probably scared shitless right now and you don't want to hear my digressions.

"Anyway, I just wanted to tell you, and this will very likely sound kind of insensitive but listen... I've been here for... a while now, and water is a very precious resource around these parts. And I know you can't help crying, Merlin knows I've cried my fair share in here, but I think if someone had told me that first night how dehydrated I'd be after crying so fucking much, I might've contained myself a little bit. Obviously you can keep crying if you'd like, I just thought you should have all the information before you decided. We only get two very tiny cups of water a day, and they're usually barely filled halfway." He clears his throat. "So, yeah."

The crying goes completely silent. Seconds pass. Nothing.

James wants to smack himself. He's ruined it.

It must be a full minute of silence before he hears it.

In a breathy, crackly voice, at the same time full of hope and fear and disbelief somehow: "James?"

An arrow pierces clean through his heart. He stops breathing.

It can't be... It simply fucking can't. No, he refuses to even entertain the thought.

But he'd know that voice fucking anywhere. He still hears it in his dreams all the damn time.

He's going to throw up. He's going to pass out. Because this can't possibly be happening to him. He must be–

"Am I dead?" His voice is a whisper.

"I don't think so. Unless I'm dead too."

It's her. It's her, and he's... well, the only thing he's sure of is that his brain might be melting. 

But the elation of hearing her voice gets its wings clipped in a heartbeat by the dread of the fact that she's somehow fucking here. In this hellhole. He can't stand the thought.

He doesn't know what to say.

"D'you think... they can hear us talking to each other?" Lily asks in a raspy voice.

It takes him a moment to respond. "I don't... think so. I figure they wouldn't allow it if they knew. But who knows with these fucking psychos."

It crosses his mind then that this might be a trick. That it's a Death Eater on the other side of that wall. Even when he knows Death Eaters usually have much more efficient methods for getting what they want from people. They still enjoy torturing him in any way they can think of. Suddenly it occurs to him, what if she's here for him? What if she really is here, but specifically to torture him further?

Now he really can't breathe.

"James..." she says after he's quiet for a while. "Do you know where we are?"

He's still panicking, but he can't let her notice it. So he swallows it down, and does his best to sound semi-normal when he says, "I wish I could tell you. I knew they were building a new holding facility somewhere in the country since Azkaban's been overcrowded for a while. My best guess is we're somewhere up north."

"Did they tell you why you're here?" She asks.

James laughs derisively. "No, that's not... Let's just say that while they wouldn't have a hard time finding crimes to pin on me, I doubt they want people to know where I am. Easier that way in case they..."

He trails off but Lily's smart, and she can fill in the blank. In case they kill him. No record of him being arrested, no body, no crime. It wouldn't be the first time it happened.

He tries to imagine Lily writing about happened to him. What words would she use to describe him? Would she say he was her friend? Would she say he was in love with her for the better part of his life?

Probably not.

Then he asks the question that's been burning away at him. "Why did you come back?"

The only good thing that had come out of Lily leaving the country in the middle of their seventh year of Hogwarts was that James no longer had to live with the worry of something happening to her. She was safely tucked away halfway across the world.

Last he'd heard before getting locked away, she was still in America. And he'd hoped she'd stay there until the war was over.

It takes Lily a long time to respond, and her voice slightly shakes when she says, "I couldn't... I just couldn't keep watching all my friends die, feeling so helpless against it... And my sister's still here, she just had a baby, it felt wrong to be so far away when they're so unprotected."

James wrings his hands. That's such a Lily answer. He can't fault her for it, even if he kind of wishes she'd be a little more selfish sometimes.

"You were helping though," he says softly.

Lily makes a small choked noise. "Yeah, well... it didn't feel like enough."

James would very much like to argue the point further, but even with his poor understanding for social cues, he knows it's not the time, so he drops it. "How long have you... been back?"

"Um... four months or so."

Fuck. 

He knows by the tiny little marks he's been making on the walls that he's likely been here well over four months, but hearing the confirmation makes his stomach sink.

"I know this is..." James starts to say, stops, and picks up again, "I know this is probably not the time but... do you have any idea... if people know I'm in here?"

He can't bring himself to say any names. If he does, he might start crying and never stop.

Lily speaks in a soft, low voice. James has to practically press his ear against the wall to hear her. "Padfoot saw them take you, but of course the Ministry denies they have ever had you in custody. No mention of you in the Prophet, only in a few small indie publications, and in international papers." She takes a shuddering breath. "Your mum... she's still looking for you. She's at the Ministry every day, demanding answers. She puts up posters, talks to any media outlet that lets her. She does just enough not to put a target on her back. She's a smart lady... she's okay, James, she'll be okay."

It takes his entire willpower for his heart not to beat out of his chest.

He tries not to think of his mother often, it's too painful, but he had to know. And Lily trying to reassure him his mother's okay is sweet but he can't quite buy it.

"Did anyone see them take you?" He asks.

"I don't think so."

"I'm sorry."

A beat. "What for?"

He's not even sure. "I'm sorry that you're here. That this is happening to you. No one deserves this but least of all you."

She's quiet for a long time, and just when he's sure the conversation is now over, she says, "Do you think it's a coincidence we're in neighbouring cells?"

He thinks about it for a moment. His first instinct is that it cannot be a coincidence but then he thinks... despite his infatuation with her at school, they were never friends. It wasn't until Seventh Year that they reached a sort of... understanding. And even then... no one would've said they were friends. Then Lily had left the country and there was no reason for anyone to think they meant anything to each other now, almost five years later.

"Can't say for sure but... from what I can tell, this isn't that big a place, it's not so unlikely you'd end up next to me. Plus... if there's one thing I know about Death Eaters is that they're fucking stupid. They only know brute force, half of them wouldn't even think about if prisoners know one another as long as they don't see us talking to each other."

Lily makes a small noise of acknowledgement but goes quiet after that. 

James figures she's drifting off. Probably exhausted from what she's gone through.

There are so many other things James wants to talk to her about. But it's be better for her to sleep. And they'll have time for talking, later.

James doesn't even want to move, far less sleep, in fear that he'll wake and she'll be gone. Even if it's a little selfish.

He had wondered many times–an embarrassing amount of times–what he'd say to Lily when he saw her again, how he'd act, even what he'd wear, but this situation was so unfathomable that he can barely remember what any of his plans had been.

Hell, he can barely remember what he'd been so upset about when she left all those years ago. 

Okay, that was a lie. He remembers. He remembers very well.

But it all feels so incredibly insignificant now. Petty teenage drama. Something that has no place inside these walls. 

Chapter Text

She has no idea what time is anymore.

The lights inside her cell are dim and her brain has tried to trick her a few times to think they're getting either brighter or dimmer. But they never actually are.

She didn't think she'd be able to sleep in a place like this, but she did. She wishes she could've gone longer, but try as she might, she hasn't been able to conjure up sleep again.

It could be worse, she thinks.

It could be a lot worse.

It's funny to think about. If someone told her a year ago that she had to be locked in a room with only James Potter to talk to for an indefinite amount of time, she would've thought that sounded like hell. But now... it feels like a gift. Funny how life works out sometimes.

She hasn't spoken to him since she fell asleep earlier. She's afraid she'll try and he won't be there. She's sixty per cent sure that she dreamed him up. She can't bring herself to try and talk to him again.

She has no fucking clue how he's managed to survive this for nearly a year. She can't have been here for more than twenty-fours and it feels like weeks. But then again, James always struck her as mentally strong. A lot more than her. What was it her teachers in primary school always said? Oh, right, she needs to learn how to cope.

But she never did. And now she's here. Accused of the stupidest thing those corrupt Ministry cops could've come up with, awaiting trial for as long as they wanted her to.

She knows about so many people shit like this has happened to. Knows so many cases intimately, she's written about them. This is textbook. Taken on an arrest warrant over some nothing crime, detained until charges were presented and a trial was organised, which of course, might take years since there are so many fucking criminals taking up space.

But Lily never thought it would happen to her.

Well... she had thought about it, it just didn't seem real to her until now. It was never something that made her stop and think about whether she should be doing what she did. It never deterred her. She didn't think it was worth it worrying about it.

Surely her friends will try to find her, fight for her. She can only hope she's not in the same boat as James. That people at least know where she is, that the Ministry actually admits they have her in custody. That they can be held responsible if something happens to her.

But she also knows that getting her out of here won't be the first priority for... anyone really. The Order can't afford to break all its members out of prison. Those still out there need to stay there so that they can continue their fight. Lily understands that perfectly, even if she wishes things were different.

So, for now she just has to... remain calm, do what she can to advocate for herself, for her release. There are people who have gotten released, after all. She's even spoken to some of them before.

The key thing would be if the Death Eaters who took her actually think she is a member of the Order or if they only think she's some rogue dissident. Until she can gauge that, she can't know what her chances were here.

She takes a deep breath.

She feels a smidge better, just thinking about her game plan. When they come to question her–because they have to at some point–she'll be ready, she'll listen and she'll pay attention and she will do and say everything she can so that they'll be convinced she isn't an actual threat, and she has no connections to the Order. If she's lucky, they'll think she's scared straight after a couple of weeks and release her.

Just then, she hears heavy footsteps just outside her door.

They can't be here already, can they?

She needs more time to think about what she's doing. To brace herself for whatever they're about to put her through.

But slowly, the heavy metal door cracks open and reveals...

Fuck.

They must be trying to torture her.

"Lily."

His voice is low, guttural, like he might let out a sob any second.

Lily hates him for it.

Severus Snape walks into her prison cell, the door falling shut behind him.

He looks surprisingly different from the last time she saw him. He's cut his hair significantly shorter, and he's let his sparse facial hair grow. It makes him look like a shitty little rat.

It's not exactly a surprise seeing him here, even if she never got real confirmation of his being a Death Eater.

"I'm sorry," he says, voice straining. "I didn't know they were going to do this. I would've stopped it."

Lily can't help but scoff. "And what would you have done, Severus?"

"I don't know! Whatever I could! Anything."

He takes a step toward her and Lily reflexively retreats until her back's against the wall. Then she hates herself for it. She's not scared of him. This is why she needed more time to plan.

Severus's face falls. "I... I'll try my best to get you out." He pauses, looks away from her. "But they might suspect me if I act like I care what happens to you. And if they do that, I'm out. So, it might take some time. I'm sorry, Lily, truly I am."

There are many things she would like to say. But all she does say is, "Just go, Severus."

He takes a breath, takes a step back, nods slightly.

Then he reaches into the pocket of his robes and Lily tenses instinctively. He reveals a steel flask, just slightly bigger than the palm of his hand. He sets it down on the ground. "Have this at least. It'll refill on its own. Keep it under your cot."

He leaves.

Lily stares at the flask, trying to decide if her dignity will let her accept it. But as prideful as she can be sometimes... she's not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Not now. She takes it, opens it and takes a small sip.

The water goes down so easy.

"Lily."

She jumps up, as if she's been caught.

Then she realises.

James. He's real. He's here.

Lily lays down on her cot, the closest she can get to James. "I'm here," she whispers.

"I thought I heard voices, but I couldn't make anything out. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, it was just... Snape."

A second passes. "Oh."

"He... said he wants to help me, but he won't risk his own skin for me. So, I don't know..."

James clears his throat. "Have you... kept in touch with him since...?"

For the very first time in almost five years, Lily feels a jolt of infuriation toward James Potter. Because he can't possibly think–

"I haven't. I don't know if you remember this but he called me a Mudblood, you were there, you were annoying about it. Oh yeah, and also, he's a fucking Death Eater."

James is quiet for a second or two before saying, "Is it weird that I'm kind of giddy to be on the receiving end of one of your retorts again?"

Something she can't quite name bubbles in Lily's chest. She feels almost... normal for a second. "You're incorrigible," is the only thing she says.

"Shit. I can feel you rolling your eyes at me," he says in that same playful tone.

Leave it to James Potter to find a bright spot in a place like this.

"I only kept in touch with Mary and Mel," Lily feels the need to clarify. "And even with them... I wasn't the best at replying to their letters."

James goes silent for a minute. Then he says, "I think he'll help you get out."

Lily isn't sure what to say to that. She lets out a heavy sigh. "Did I ever tell you how we met?"

James makes a choked sound, clears his throat. "Uh... no, you did not. I seem to remember there was one subject you avoided thoroughly when you started actually talking to me."

Seventh Year, he means. When they'd been appointed Head Boy and Girl. When they'd formed an unsteady truce just so they could work together. When Lily found out James wasn't completely as she'd thought.

She shakes her head to clear it. She cannot be thinking about that right now. "Well, I met him when I was maybe eight years old. Back home in Cokeworth. He was my neighbour. He... saw me doing accidental magic and he told me I was a witch. He told me about... everything. We became friends pretty quickly. He was the only magical person I knew for years. He was a treasure trove of information.

"Even back then, he'd been kind of an outcast in our little Muggle town. He clung to me like a lifeline. Once we started school... and the years passed, I realised we were becoming very different people, and we'd slowly been growing apart, but neither of us wanted to let go of our friendship. It was so... familiar, it meant so much to us both. But by Fifth Year it was so obvious our friendship was dead in the water, we argued all the time, we talked less and less. When he called me a Mudblood... well, that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. And I didn't want to be the one to call it but I had to."

She swallows thickly. "Of course I still cared about him, I still care. And I'm sure he does too, the way you'll always care about someone who once meant so much to you, to someone that was your closest friend for so many years, but there is no way he cares enough to actually risk his life to save me."

She's not entirely sure why she's telling him all this. She's thinking out loud, trying to figure out exactly how much she should trust Severus's words. It's a good thing she can't see James's face because she's definitely starting to regret spilling all that on him.

But of course, James manages to say about the last thing Lily would expect. He says, "Lily... please tell me you realise that bloke was completely out of his mind in love with you."

Lily chokes on her own saliva. She coughs a few times, takes a sip of water from her flask. "That is not–He was not–"

"Lily," James says in a coaxing tone. "You're a smart girl. A very smart girl, in fact. Surely, you must've known."

Lily frowns. He's really determined to irritate her today. Where's that sweet boy from yesterday who spoke to her like she was a mirage? "Oh my god, are you one of those people who think men and women can't be friends? Just because you don't have any female friends, doesn't mean no one else does."

"Shite, you sound so American now," he says, clearly amused by all this. "And for your information, I do very much have female friends. I absolutely think men and women can be friends. But in that particular case... face it Lily, he was in love with you. Honestly, he probably still is."

"You are infuriating, James Potter! For the last time, he was not."

"You're probably not going to like me very much for this, but I actually have solid proof that he was."

God, she does not want to encourage him. But– "What proof?"

He takes an obnoxious breath. "Well, you see, Lily, he told me."

Lily tenses. "He did not."

"Oh, he did," he says in too smug a tone.

Lily balks for a second. "Why would he tell you?"

"Well, I asked him," James says simply. "It's a funny story, really. It was maybe a couple of weeks after you left school. I caught him out after curfew and we had a little chat... He wanted to know where you were, he assumed I knew. He was really upset. I wasn't sure what to say to him, what you would want me to say. And he was so... desperate. So, I asked him if he still loved you. 'Cause... well, I can understand that. He said yes. So, I told him you were not in the UK, that you were safe, and that you weren't coming back to school."

Lily isn't sure how to feel about that. She tries not to think too much about the aftermath of her sudden departure from school. She knows that if she does, the guilt will start eating away at her. 

She's still not sure she believes Severus holds such strong feelings for her. It can't compute in her brain. But she'd rather not think about it. It saddens her. So she says, "What's the first thing you'll do when you get home?"

James lets her change the subject. They talk about fluffy pillows and clean hair and hot meals. And Lily does her best not to think about "I can understand that".

Chapter Text

It smells like sambar. 

But not just any sambar. It's his mother's sambar.

Someone at home must be unwell, because that's his mother's go-to dish whenever someone shows any sign of illness. 

He can smell it from outside already but when he opens the door, it wafts over him like a warm hug.

"Ma!" He calls out. 

The house is silent, still. He can't shake the feeling that's something's out of place, but as he looks around, sees the colourful throw on the sofa, the grandfather clock in a corner of the room, the haphazardly arranged books taking up most of the wall, and he can't pinpoint what it is.

He walks further into the house, and finally... there's his mum, calmly slicing carrots on the counter, with her back to him, her grey hair up in a bun.

"Mum," he softly calls her attention.

She turns around. But her face doesn't light up when she sees him, her lips don't curl up in a joyous smile, her arms don't open to press him into her chest.

Her eyes widen, a crease appears between her brows. She presses her back against the counter, as if she's trying to put distance between herself and James.

"Mum, hey, it's me," he tries to reassure her. 

"Who are you? What are you doing in my house?"

"Mum, what are you talking about? It's me, it's James. Your son." His voice pleading.

But there's not even a flicker of recognition in her eyes. "Stop calling me that. I am not your mother. I don't know you."

He takes a step forward. "You do know me. You know me, Mum." His voice starts to break. "It's me. Come on."

That's when James notices the kitchen knife in her hand. What is she... She can't possibly be scared of him. But it's clear in her eyes, that she is.

James feels a sting behind his eyes. What the fuck is happening? "Mum, please put the knife down. It's okay."

"I am not your mother! Get out of my house!" She screams, her voice shrill and unforgiven, a sound James has never heard his mother make before.

And then she lunges. 

James reacts instinctively. He takes hold of her wrist to stop her. She scratches and claws at him with her free hand and it occurs to James for the first time that she might actually hurt him. This cannot be fucking happening to him. He needs to–

"Stop! Stop. I'm not going to hurt you. I'll go. Just stop," he begs her.

But she doesn't let up. 

He takes hold of her other hand. She tries to kick him. Somehow, James manages to pry the knife from her fingers, but he has to let go of one of her hands to do it, and she scratches his face. She get him in the eye, and James lashes out instinctively. 

She stops.

And it takes James a second to realise what's happened. The black handle of the knife sticks out of his mother's abdomen.

James lets out a choked cry. 

His mother's eyes glisten. She collapses to the floor like a rag doll. He goes down with her. 

Tears cloud his vision, he reaches for his wand to try to... do something, but he can't find it. She doesn't have a wand on her either.

Her eyes go glassy, her lips part.

"James!"

His eyes fly open.

He jolts upright in his cot, his heart almost beating out of his chest.

He's panting like he just ran a marathon. 

He runs a hand through his scratchy beard, pulls at his hair hard. He tries to even out his breath, slowly counts to ten in his head. Then starts again. 

"James?"

Right. Lily. "Did you... hear me..." He's never been sure if he makes any noises when he has these nightmares.

"You were crying... calling out for your mum."

"Oh. Shit. I'm sorry about that. I hope hearing me call out for my mummy didn't lose me too many cool points in your eyes."

"Cool–" Lily snorts. "You're still exactly the same, aren't you?"

He smiles, his nightmare fading away already, getting swept into a remote corner of his brain where it will stay for a long time. "I'd like to believe so, yeah. Though I have seen some shit since you last saw me. I'm ostensibly the same."

Lily lets out a low chuckle. "Okay, now I know you're not the same. Seventeen-year-old James never would've used the word ostensibly."

For the second time since he's been here, James laughs. "Yeah, you're probably right."

"Seriously though... are you okay?"

He presses the pads of each of his fingers against his thumb, absentmindedly almost. "Yeah, I'm okay... I'm kind of used to it by now."

Lily's quiet for a moment, then says, "Listen... and you don't have to answer if you don't want to. You can just change the subject and I won't push, I swear."

"Lily," James interrupts her. "You can ask me anything you want."

Seconds pass. "What... have they done to you... here?"

James clears his throat, tries to think. He wasn't quite expecting that. And he tries not to think too much about what happens outside of this cell when he's within the cold embrace of these four walls. Not that it's ever been a comforting place, but they rarely harass him in here. 

He can hear the fear in Lily's voice, and he feels the urge to take it away. "It's not... Before I tell you anything, you should really consider that our situations are different. I'm here because I have very openly defied You-Know-Who, and I've... done some things that were clearly aimed at bringing down Death Eaters while working in the DMLE. What these people want from me is information. They want names and they want secrets."

He's being a bit vague. He won't mention being a member of the Order of the Phoenix outright because he's not stupid. There is very much a chance that they are listening in on their conversation. But Lily's smart. She knows what he's talking about.

"For you, it's probably different. You've only been here a few months, they're not likely to think you know anything that is of value to them. The reason why they took you–I think–is to keep you from your work, to keep you from reporting on what's going on. What they want is to silence you, and just by bringing you here they've done that." He takes a deep breath, runs a hand down the wall in front of him, feeling the notches he's made, trying to keep count of the days. "At first, they used to bring me out every day and torture me... they've figured out how much torture a person can take before they lose their mind. Then, once they tire of the Cruciatus Curse, they'll start threatening my friends... my mum. Sometimes they come up with other ways of physical torture. Y'know, like they'll dunk my head in water until I start drowning. That kind of thing. 

"But after the first few months or so... once it was pretty clear nothing was working, they pivoted and started leaving me locked in my cell for long periods of time. Honestly, not a bad strategy, trying to bore me to death. Still hasn't worked though. Nowadays, they'll usually take me out once or twice a month to torture or question me. So, it's not so bad."

"James," Lily's voice was strained, almost like she was choked up. "I'm sorry."

He shrugged one shoulder, even though she couldn't see him. "You don't have to be sorry, Lily. Besides, it's probably a good thing I'm telling you, so you maybe you can write about it when you get out."

"If I'm getting out, so are you."

He harrumphed, then went quiet. 

Then he heard Lily sigh. "I can't believe this is happening."

"I know."

"I'm sorry I'm being such a downer right now."

This girl... "You're not being a downer. And even if you were... you're being held Merlin-knows-where by actual psychopaths. You're allowed to be a downer, Lily."

"It's just... I've only been here for a couple of days."

She doesn't say it, but he hears the implication. And you've been in here for a year. He almost laughs. "It's not a competition, Lily. I've been where you are. It is not easy by any means. You can feel helpless and depressed and desperate and whatever the fuck you want to feel. I promise you it's fine."

He hears her sniffling, and hates to think of tears running down her cheeks. He can't help but wonder if she looks different. She can't have changed that much from eighteen to twenty-two. He can see her so clearly in his mind. Her skin (bright and pale like the moon), her full cheeks ( always rosy-red), her nose (slightly flat and with a smattering of freckles across the bridge), her eyes (a dark green like moss, that always seem warm even when their stare is cold), her lips (pink and almost permanently chapped), her hair (so long and so so wild; he still dreams of tangling his hands in that hair).

He knew her for almost seven years but sometimes he still thinks he dreamed her up. Because how can someone like that exist? Someone so striking, someone he can never look away from. And worse, how can someone like that exist and be completely absent from his life? He can't think about it too much because he'll go crazy.

Lily speaks again and James has to take several deep breaths. 

"Just for the record... you've never had any cool points in my eyes," she says.

From deep in his belly, he laughs. It's a sound he hasn't heard in a very long time. It feels foreign. It almost hurts.

And then all he can think is – oh fuck.

Chapter Text

She wakes thinking of her mother.

Maybe it's shitty of her, but in the four days or so she's been inside of this cell Lily hasn't thought of her mother.

She's spent so much time thinking about her mother in the last five years that her brain feels almost foreign not thinking of her for so long.

It's a good thing that Lily got abducted by corrupt government officials almost a year after her mother died. If not, this might have killed Mrs Evans. It's not a fair thing to do, but Lily thinks of how different her mother would have dealt with all this compared to Mrs Potter.

Mrs Evans wouldn't be half as diplomatic as Mrs Potter. No, Lily's mother would've had a meltdown on national television (even if she knew Muggles had nothing to do with her daughter's disappearance, she'd get them involved either way), she might've tried to throttle a Ministry official or two, and then maybe she would've crawled into bed and stayed there for months, feeling sorry for herself.

Lily wants to smack herself for thinking of her dead mother this way. It's this place, she tells herself. Being in here alone with your thoughts for so long... it's inevitable to start thinking terrible things. Or maybe she's just a terrible daughter.

It's weird thinking that there is no one left in the world who cares about Lily even half as much as her mother did. The only family she has left is Petunia, and though Lily's sure her sister cares about her, it's hard to imagine Petunia raising hell over Lily's disappearance.

Lily's pulled out of her spiraling thoughts by the sound of heavy footsteps right outside her door. 

She immediately sits up on her cot, glances to the spot on the wall where James's voice filters from. Nothing looks amiss. Nothing for them to notice. 

It's about time they came, she thinks. And honestly, she's kind of glad it's happening. The anticipation's been killing her. 

Slowly, her door opens, hinges squeaking, making a racket.

A pale-faced man stands in the doorway. He looks at her like she's dirt at the bottom of his shoe.

He doesn't bother to walk inside the cell. He pulls out his wand and in a second, Lily's wrists are bound tightly together, and she feels a force push her from the back, forcing her to walk forward.

The man walks in front of her, and it makes Lily's blood boil, that he would turn his back on her so readily, so unconcerned that she might be a threat to him.

But she takes a deep breath. This is not a bad thing at all. He underestimates her, and that will work in Lily's favour when she makes her escape. It's fine.

He leads her down a long hallway, grey and dimly lit. They encounter no other people. It takes fifty steps for them to turn left and come upon a great steel door. The man points his wand at it and after a series of clicks, it opens.

They walk through the door and are presented with another long hallway, only slightly nicer looking than the cell block. There is another big steel door on the left, and then a series of smaller, seemingly non-threatening doors. The man doesn't stop walking until they reach one of the smaller doors. It opens without trouble. 

Inside there is a plain desk with two chairs on one side of it and one on the other. 

Lily's thrown unceremoniously onto the one chair. She feels two bands circle her ankles, tying her to the ground.

Without a word, the pale-faced man leaves. 

Lily counts the seconds she's alone.

She gets to forty-six when the door opens again and two people walk in.

One is a woman, tall and thin, a sour look on her face. The other is a man that Lily recognises. Amycus Carrow. He was a few years above her in school. They sit across from Lily, spines rigid, examining her with cold eyes. It's silent for a minute, then Carrow slowly reaches into the inside pocket of his robes and sets a piece of paper in front of Lily. "Do you recognise this, Miss Evans?"

"It's a newspaper article," she says.

"One you wrote, is that correct?"

Lily looks at him with hard eyes. "Yes."

"'Who's Really Pulling The Strings at the Minister's Office?'" He quotes. "Quite an interesting headline. Did you choose that yourself?"

"No," she says simply.

Carrow points one long fingernail to a spot right below the headline. The byline. "That is your name right here as the author, is it not, Miss Evans?"

"Yes."

"You think the Ministry is corrupt, then?"

Finally, they're getting to the meaty bits. "My thoughts are in the article."

"Humour me, by voicing them now."

Lily takes a breath. "I think some of the Minister's actions have been influenced by certain political lobbies."

Carrow's lip curls ever so slightly. It feels like a win. "You are aware that it is against the law to spread propaganda that undermines or besmirches the image of the Ministry. Aren't you, Miss Evans?"

It's her time to shine. Lily's lower lip wobbles and she bites it to make it stop. She blinks a few times before saying. "I wasn't trying to... do that."

Both Carrow and his silent companion examine Lily's face carefully.

Carrow conjures up another newspaper clipping. "How about this one? What were you trying to do with this one, mudblood?"

It takes all of Lily's control not to react to the jab. She looks down at the paper in front of her. It's a piece she wrote on the lack of due process for a group of witches and wizards (mostly Muggle-borns) who'd been charged with a litany of petty crimes basically for existing in the wizarding world.

She takes a calming breath. "I was trying to help."

The sour-faced woman sneers.

Carrow sets a series of five pictures in front of Lily now. "Do you recognise these people?"

Lily swallows thickly, her cheek twitches slightly. "They're a few of the people I spoke to for the article."

"And do you know what they all have in common?"

Lily looks at Carrow fixedly, tuning down the hardness in her gaze slightly, blinks once. 

"These people are all part of the terrorist organisation known as the Order of the Phoenix," Carrow says.

"No." It comes out almost like a sob.

"Yes," Carrows says harshly. "They've helped organise attempts on the lives of Ministry officials, they've spied, lied, cheated in attempts to hurt not only Ministry officials but innocent witches and wizards."

Lily shakes her head vehemently, a tear forms in her eye. "No."

"Yes." Carrow leans in. "You want to know what else they've done? They've spread harmful propaganda in an attempt to instill fear in the wizarding world. They want people to think they're unsafe... that their government is corrupt. They want chaos just for the sake of chaos."

Lily's mouth opens, then closes. Her lip quivers. "I... I didn't know."

"You're not very good at your job, then, are you? If you claim you didn't know these people were liars."

Lily grits her teeth. "I don't–"

"You don't what? You didn't know who these people were? What they were a part of? Because I'm not so sure about that."

The tear finally falls from Lily's eye. "I didn't know! How would I have known? They never said anything... I only met them for an hour or two. How could I have known?"

Carrow points to one picture. Of a short-haired, green-eyed witch. "This woman. Theresa Coulter. She was in your year at Hogwarts."

"Um, yes... I think she was a Ravenclaw. We didn't know each other very well. I must've spoken to her only a handful of times in almost seven years. I hadn't seen or spoken to her since I left school."

Carrow leans back in his seat. After a moment, he says, "I truly must commend you, Miss Evans. You are a fantastic actress. It's good you have another career path to fall back on since the journalism career seems to be going so poorly."

Lily only stares at him.

"But I'm glad you brought up your time away from the UK. You got quite busy overseas." Carrow slams a stack of papers on the desk. "Recognise these?"

Lily glances at them. "It's the paper I wrote for in San Francisco."

"Some very interesting articles you wrote here." He flipped through the pages. "'Meet the Authoritarian Fascists Taking Over the British Ministry of Magic', 'Lord Voldemort–The Ultimate Threat to British Wizards', 'How Britain is Being Brought Down by Lord Voldemort', 'Muggle-born Prosecution Remains Rampant in the UK', 'Fascism in the UK–What Can be Done?', 'How the UK is Becoming a Totalitarian State'."

"I wrote those a long time ago."

"Last one is dated a year ago. Do you mean to tell me, that in that year, you've disavowed all the views you expressed in these?"

"I don't–I don't know. I stopped because I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing anymore," she heaves a breath. "I was just trying to do the right thing."

Carrow stares at her, gives nothing away. Then, after a minute, he says, "Are you or have you ever been part of the organisation known as the Order of the Phoenix?"

"No."

"As good an actress as you are, I will advise you just this once, not to lie to me. Because you will not enjoy the consequences. So, I will ask you again. Are you or have you ever been a member of the Order of the Phoenix?"

"No."

He's leaning close to her now. Lily can see the unforgiving blue of his eyes, the pores in his aquiline nose. She holds her breath. "Have you participated in any activities related to the Order of the Phoenix?"

"Not knowingly."

"Have you associated with any members of the Order of the Phoenix?"

"Not knowingly."

"These are you final answers?"

"Yes."

After a moment, Carrow leans back. "Very well. If that's how it's going to be. You will go back to your cell, and we'll try again in a few days."

"What? Why? I answered your questions! I didn't do anything! I'm not–" She's forced to her feet. Her bindings tighten. "I want a lawyer. I have the right to a lawyer!"

"Why would you need a lawyer, Miss Evans? You're not being charged with any crime. Yet. You're not under arrest. You're only in administrative detention. Just until we know more about your situation."

Lily's entire body feels cold. Her throat must be closing up because she can't speak anymore. She can't do anything but follow the force pulling her out the door. If what Carrow's saying is true... she's fucked.

The same guard who brought her into the room is waiting outside. He leads her back out of the hallway. They're halfway down when the big door opens and Lily hears a bone-chilling scream. Another guard walks out, the heavy door falling shut behind him with a loud clang. He walks past Lily without a glance. The scream cuts off when the door is shut. It's so silent, you would never know there was another soul screaming their head off right behind that door.

But Lily has no time to be disturbed. The guard walks at a breakneck pace back to Lily's cell. 

His back blocks Lily's view of the door. She tries to lean forward to see, but the invisible hold on her hands won't let her move. She cranes her neck as much as she can but she still can't see.

It takes the guard ten seconds, he fumbles with something in his hands and the door opens.

Lily's shoved inside. The door bangs shut, and her bindings release.

It takes ten seconds.

"Lily? Is that you? What happened? Are you okay?"

Without meaning to, she lets out a whimper. It is so unbelievably good to hear his voice. She starts regaining feeling in her limbs. "It's me. I'm okay. They questioned me. It was... nothing bad. It's okay."

She's not sure if she's trying to reassure him or herself.

She hears him exhale softly. "Good. That's good."

"Will you–" She stops herself.

"You can ask me anything, Lily."

She takes a breath. "I was just wondering if... you could tell me a story."

"Oh."

It's a good thing he can't see her because her cheeks are growing pink. "I just... want a distraction. Tell me what trouble you and your mates got up to after I left school."

James lets out a low chuckle. "Oof, shite. Well... there's a good one actually... maybe three weeks after you left. Padfoot was tired of me moping around, and he roped me into this scheme... He'd been planning for a while actually. He'd only been holding back because you were there and you would've stopped it in its tracks. And–these are Padfoot's words–'I would've helped you because I was fully whipped'. And I know you draw the line at pranking teachers."

Without meaning to, Lily lets out a gasp. "Oh, you didn't!"

James takes on a wistful tone. "We absolutely did. But I think you can guess which professor was the victim." His voice goes low in a stage whisper, "and he kind of deserved it."

"Oh my god, no."

"Oh, yes." Lily can hear the smile in his voice, it's a balm on her soul. He takes a breath, and goes on. "It was a day like any other in Professor Glenn's Defence class. So, miserable. He strolled in ten minutes late, threw his briefcase on the floor, and spit out his sunflower seed on the desk. Told us to shut up even though no one was talking. Then, well, he opened his desk drawer, where he found our first little surprise. You know it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks. So, yeah–filled with popcorn. Of course, Glenn thanked us for the snack and dug his chalk out of the drawer."

Lily can see it so clearly in her head. Professor Glenn's terrycloth robes, the sneer on his face. "And did he manage to grab that chalk?"

"He did. For about half a second. Until it turn into a jelly worm and started crawling all over him. Actually, every piece of chalk turned into jelly worms."

Lily lets out a laugh. "Oh, no."

"Obviously, after he managed to get rid of the worms, he knew what we were doing, but he was determined not to let it affect him. He summoned some perfectly safe chalk from his office and tried to resume with the lesson."

"And?"

"Well, the chalkboard transfigured into about a thousand bouncing gumballs, the kind with extra bounce obviously. And then of course, Glenn started yelling at us 'pick up those bitches us! you pick those bitches up right now!'"

James's impression of their old professor is spot on. Lily has to press a hand over her mouth to contain her laughter.

"Then–and this was not planned but definitely hoped for–he slipped on one of the many gumballs on the floor, then a gumball bounced off the ceiling and right into Glenn's eye. Of course, that's when everyone finally broke and started laughing like fucking hyenas."

Lily feels kind of bad for laughing at one of her professors' expense. But Professor Glenn had been truly the worst. He constantly insulted students, he'd called Lily a stuck-up wench more than once. So, it was hard to feel bad for him. "Come on, I know you're dying to tell me what happened next."

"Well, he tried to get up. And it just so happened that someone left a sheet cake right on the desk he used to pull himself up with. It tipped right over, fell on him. I honestly thought he'd fainted from anger, he laid there for a full minute, unmoving. Then, he finally picked himself up, face covered in frosting, gumballs and gummy worms sticking to him. He was looking at us like we were the scum of earth. I honestly thought he'd use a Forbidden Curse right then and there. He probably meant to, he raised his wand, but luckily we'd had the foresight to cast a Protego, which he realised quickly. So, he settled for flinging the rest of the cake at the wall and storming out. We never saw him again."

Lily's eyes go wide. "That is insane."

"I'm kind of shocked you hadn't heard that story before. I mean, Mel was there, and you said you still talked to her after..."

Lily takes a halting breath. "No, I did... It's just that," she only hesitates for just a second, then thinks who the fuck cares in this fucking place, "I asked Mary and Mel not to tell me about you."

James goes quiet. And Lily feels like a troll is sitting on her chest. Even though she knows it's stupid and dumb to feel that way when all this other fucked up shit is happening to her. 

After thirty agonising seconds, James finally speaks. "Oh."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything," Lily blurts out.

"No, no. It's fine. That makes sense." He clears his throat.

"I'm sorry."

"Lily... you have nothing to be sorry for. Honestly, it's better that Mel didn't tell you because now I got to tell the story."

Lily's lips tug up. "Mel would've totally butchered that story. She can never stay on topic."

James chuckles. "Oh, I know. She once talked to me for an hour just to tell me she saw a unicorn in the forest."

Lily feels a little crack in her heart thinking of her friend, wondering how she's doing. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For telling me that story."

"It's no trouble, Lily," he says in a soft tone.

The topic is clearly coming to a close. Lily feels slightly reluctant to let it. Because she gets the feeling she and James aren't quite on the same page about what she intended by asking her friends not to talk to her about him. But trying to clear it up would lead to a talk about some other things... that Lily can't quite think about right now. So, she doesn't say anything. She lets it go. She tells herself it's fine. They don't need to talk about it. About anything they don't want to.

They don't.