Archive of Our Own ^beta

Life had been moving at a weird pace for Kaeya recently. He was honestly struggling to process things. 

Ever since that weird night in the tavern where Diluc tackled him to the ground in a hug and cried like a baby over him, things had begun to change. Nothing drastic, but it was quite a significant change that the brother who barely glanced at him most of the time was suddenly clinging to him and trying to take care of him. His days were more occupied than they used to be, as Diluc would take any opportunity to ask Kaeya to go with him to the winery, have lunch with him, come to the tavern— it was as if he didn’t want to let Kaeya stay alone for long. 

Kaeya was a smart man. He knew that Diluc knew something, most likely about his suicidal tendencies, yet he couldn’t figure out how. How would Diluc know if Kaeya hadn’t even written his thoughts once? He hadn’t said anything out loud either, that he was aware of, and even if he had mumbled something while drunk Diluc would have probably reacted at the moment he spoke, not on a random Thursday. 

He couldn’t exactly question Diluc directly about the change of heart, because it felt awkward and a bit confrontational. It just didn’t seem right to ask “Why do you suddenly act like my older brother again when before it seemed like you couldn’t stand my face?” Such a question wasn’t appropriate— actually, it might be an appropriate question to ask, but not something Kaeya actually had the guts to ask. Not anymore. 

God forbid Diluc suddenly change his mind again. The man was so volatile it was a bit scary. One day he was standoffish, then nice— what was next? Would he become murderous tomorrow? 

That last one was a bit unfair, but to be fair, Diluc had tried to kill him before. Not that Kaeya was against dying— frankly, dying by Diluc’s hand would be the most honorable ending for him— but it was still a scary thought. He didn’t want to feel the searing heat of a blade near his body ever again. 

He’d rather feel a nice cold blade, if he had to pick. He wasn’t a fan of blades in general though, but it was an alternative option he had in mind for when he was going to commit suicide. 

His first preference had been overdosing on a bunch of random pills mixed together, but he was too afraid of the consequences if he were to hypothetically fail. He didn’t want to be bedridden or in a vegetative state, trapped in pain and misery and no way to ever escape. 

So his second preference was to jump from Starsnatch cliff. It was a guaranteed death, as well as a good way to dispose of his corpse. 

He hadn’t really considered blades so much. He did carry a dagger around and he had plenty of knives in his kitchen, but it still hadn’t been his preferred choice.

So it was weird, that alongside Diluc’s strange behavior, Kaeya began to dream of a knife in his hand. 

Every night recently, without fail, Kaeya would have the same dream. It was too hazy to properly grasp onto when he woke up, but after having the same dream so many times, he could get a general premise. 

He was lying in the tub, with a knife in his hand. There was an anxious feeling within him as the blade moved further and further towards his neck, but he fought against all his instincts telling him to stop his hand. 

His fingers trembled and struggled to hold the knife, but without fail it would reach his neck. As soon as it did, everything would go black, and he’d suddenly be at the front gate of Mondstadt. Without fail, every single time, he’d enter and everyone would ignore him. Nobody in the dream acknowledged his presence, and whenever he tried to grab anyone, his hands would slip through. 

It was such a weird dream. 

Extremely weird, to the point it was laughable. 

Which is why Kaeya mentioned it offhandedly to Diluc as they were eating dinner. 

To be fair, Kaeya was never quite comfortable in Diluc’s home, and he always felt awkward, but the man kept insisting recently that Kaeya come over. Diluc had simply asked him how he had been fairing, and Kaeya Idiot Alberich decided to actually be semi-honest for once, instead of simply saying he was good. Diluc had been making an effort, so wasn’t it logical for Kaeya to make one too? 

“I’m quite alright, thanks for asking Mast— ah, I mean, Diluc. Although I’ve been having a weird dream over and over again.” He had answered, in response to Diluc’s question. 

“Nightmares? Again? I thought you stopped having those by the time you became a teenager. Is everything okay?” The overly attentive and looking-into-things-too-deeply man asked. 

Kaeya chuckled weakly. “Goodness! Look at you jumping to conclusions! When did I say it was a nightmare?” 

“You didn’t seem to be recalling something pleasant, from your face.” Diluc responded, taking a bite of his food.

Kaeya had thought he had faked his expression pretty well… 

Kaeya sipped his wine. “Well, I don’t know if it counts exactly as a nightmare… it’s more— just, weird? I guess?” 

“Well? I’m all ears.” Diluc said. 

“…It’s the same dream every night.” He starts, mentally skipping past the whole suicide attempt part. No need for Diluc to know about all that. “In the dream, I try to talk to people but they all ignore me… And my hand keeps going through stuff. It’s almost like I’m a ghost or something!” He chuckled. 

There was a clatter as Diluc’s fork slipped from his hand, falling onto the floor. 

The man just stared at Kaeya, blankly, before tears immediately started streaming down his face. 

“Diluc?! What’s going on why are you—?!” Kaeya paused, feeling a sudden unbearable itch on his throat. He scratched at it in confusion for a second, but he stopped as this only seemed to elicit a even greater negative response from Diluc. 

“Hey—! Hey, no, no no no no— why are you scratching your neck?! Why are you touching it?!” He shouted, panicked. 

“It’s just a bit itchy.” Kaeya replied. “Calm down, Diluc. You’re acting strange. What’s with you? You’ve been acting strange for a while…” he asked, standing up and walking over to his brother. He awkwardly hugged the older man.

“Don’t cry… Seriously, what’s going on Diluc?” He asked. “You cried the other day too, and ever since then you’ve just been clingy? Not that I mind, but, why? Y’know? You used to hate even being around me— oh wow, my neck is so itchy.” Kaeya noted, scratching it again. He hissed and pulled his hand away suddenly, and Diluc watched in horror at the new cut that was on Kaeya’s neck. 

“Ah damn. My nail must have—!”

“DIDN’T I TELL YOU NOT TO SCRATCH IT?!” Diluc screamed. “For fucks sake Kaeya why can’t you ever listen to me and not do stupid fucking things—!” He stopped himself. 

“Kaeya— I didn’t mean…” 

“What is wrong with you, Diluc?! Just spit it out already?!” Kaeya raised his voice, wiping his eyes. “You yell at me for no reason, keep acting weird— you can’t just leave me in the dark! I deserve to know what’s going through your mind if you are determined to be brothers again.” Kaeya scolded. “You can’t just have things be one way. You need to open up to me too.” 

Diluc swallowed thickly. Kaeya was right. He truly was right. However this wasn’t a typical situation where he could be fully honest. After all, he couldn’t just say, ‘oh yeah you killed yourself but I went to the past and I changed the timeline so you’re alive now but you don’t remember anything.’

This whole dilemma was bringing apart an uncomfortable sense of Deja vu, as well as yet another occasion where Diluc would have to lie his way out of something. 

It was frustrating really. Being a man so honest to a fault yet forced to lie to his brother of all people. He hated it. He hated it— but he would do anything to protect Kaeya’s peace, which was ever so fragile and unsteady, which included violating his own principles of things like retribution and honesty. 

“…I just— I had a horrifying nightmare once, where— where you died. You— your throat was cut, and you turned into a ghost because you died, and I didn’t know anything until it was too late and we had to say goodbye permanently.” He stood up, pulling Kaeya into an embrace and clutching him desperately. Diluc wasn’t one to cry, but as he learned it was something he couldn’t help and didn’t care to help when it came to Kaeya. 

“I just—“ He continued, sobbing into Kaeya’s shoulder, “I can’t bear to lose you Kaeya. I can’t even think about it. I know life is hard sometimes, and it’s unpredictable and unpleasant; but it’s so valuable and— your life is so valuable. I love you so much— so many other people love you so much. You’re so loved and special and— all problems have their solutions. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is worth more than you. I realized that truth after that dream, although I had definitely— I had definitely known somewhere in my heart far before that. And I just— Kaeya, please don’t die. I don’t want you to die.” He sobbed. 

Kaeya was speechless. How come Diluc was having dreams just like him? Was this a sheer coincidence? Something done by Barbatos? 

…How come so many things were dissuading him from doing something drastic? 

Everytime he thought of ending his life, something got in the way. 

And now this. 

Please don’t die. 

I don’t want you to die. 

Diluc spoke as if Kaeya could control his death— as if he knew. 

Kaeya’s eyes welled up with tears. 

“…Okay. I’ll try. I’ll try not to die.” He promised weakly, trying to reassure Diluc. 

Diluc swallowed thickly. He had heard another weak promise like that. The Kaeya from the past— no, alternate universe, had said the same thing. 

It hadn’t ended well. He had tried to end his life, but he was successfully stopped. 

To be fair though, that Kaeya had been provoked by his own Diluc’s behavior to do something so drastic, and he had made an effort at first because he promised to do so. 

So Diluc would have to trust Kaeya again this time. He was placing Kaeya’s life in Kaeya’s own hands once more, which might not be the best thing to do… 

But this time, he would be there to catch it if it ever slipped from Kaeya’s grasp. 

“You get,” Kaeya paused, choked up, “the strangest ideas in your head sometimes. You’ve always been like that.” 

“Only when it comes to you. You do strange things.” Diluc retorted, though there was no bite. 

“Is it that strange— if you were in my shoes, would you not consider it?” Kaeya asked, not daring to directly say what he and Diluc were both referring to. 

“…I can’t— I don’t know. I’ve never considered it before, and I’ve never had to consider it. I’d like to say no, but I can’t without actually being able to feel your perspective.” He replied, holding just a bit tighter. “I don’t resent you or blame you for considering such things. I can’t claim to understand you, but I can empathize with your reasoning. However, I do wish you would reconsider your perspective on life, and rely on other people a bit more.” 

“It’s hard to do that, Diluc, when you don’t have anyone to rely on.” Kaeya stated bluntly. “When the people you had disappear from your life in a single night, and then you are too afraid to ever rely on anyone else again, it’s not that simple.” 

“You can rely on me.” Diluc reassured. 

“Again?” Kaeya asked, a bit sarcastically. Diluc just squeezed Kaeya’s shoulders in bitter understanding yet firmness. 

“Again.” He said, staring into Kaeya’s eyes with conviction and blazing determination. “I’m right here. I won’t go anywhere. You don’t have to go anywhere either. We have time to find solutions, so just wait until we find one. I know it’s not that simple, believe me, but I promise I’ll help you find a way to deal with all your troubles.” 

“…You promise a lot of things. Make sure you mean it. We both made false promises to each other before our father died, but if you lie again I don’t think I could take it.” 

“… I never lied and neither did you. Omitting the truth isn’t a lie, and besides… the promise I made that we would be brothers forever is still true. I know things were— are, rough and still in the process of being fixed between us, but that doesn’t change that we are brothers.” Diluc stated firmly, letting go of Kaeya. 

“Unless you don’t want to be my brother anymore?” He asked teasingly. 

A few tears dripped down Kaeya’s face as he smacked Diluc, before desperately gripping onto him. 

“Fine. You win. I’ll accept your promise.” He stated roughly.

“And?” Diluc asked. 

“You’re so demanding. Fine, I’ll listen to your advice, but no promises yet.” 

That was… good enough, Diluc supposed. 

…

Later, as the two of them sat outside in the summer heat with bowls of ice cream, looking out upon the wine fields, Kaeya would ask Diluc, “Why do you think we both had such weird dreams? Especially you, I think your nightmare might have been like a premonition, honestly, and that’s just— really, really odd. Y’know?”

Diluc would then sputter and say that he didn’t know why, before continuing to aggressively eat his ice cream. 

Kaeya had a feeling that Diluc did know— not that he understood how Diluc would know such a thing— but he let him have this one lie as he pretended to believe that it was just a coincidence.