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Today was the day.
Today was the day Felix would finally take the leap of faith and bare his soul and heart.
He could do it.
If he did not chicken out at the last moment - again. Like the last three times. Maybe having a chick as his representative character was fitting in more than one way.
But Hyunjin had warned him. He had to do it now or else his risk of suffering from Hanahaki would only increase.
And Felix really did not want to add more health troubles to his plate, his back was already a handful on any given day. Plus he did not want to worry his best friend. It was only a confession. He could do it. No big thing - even if it felt like a very huge thing.
The Hanahaki disease… young Felix had assumed it was nothing but a plot device in his sisters‘ shojo mangas yet when he entered the Korean entertainment industry, he found out that throwing up flowers and choking to death on them was a real possibility. The disease was rare, maybe one person in a thousand caught it yet the numbers were significantly higher in the entertainment industry. It was one in 500 for idols and even one in 250 for queer idols.
Which was actually not that surprising. Dating bans made a lot of feelings left unsaid and suppressed. Add Korea’s conservative society and thus the lack of support for queer youth and well… Be a queer idol like he was and the chance of developing the disease went through the roof. Felix could understand Hyunjin’s worries. He wanted to follow his friend’s advice and confess before he developed the disease, yet it was easier said than done.
By now Felix had heard all the rumours of the hiatuses that might have been caused by Hanahaki. You never knew for sure, whether the gossip was true and the idol had truly caught the disease but the subtle signs were there. Over the years Felix had learnt to read them, so he knew that he was the prime example of someone who was likely to catch it.
Furthermore, Felix had witnessed the disease and its horrors with his own eyes years ago. The pictures haunted him to this day.
After Kingdom and them finally gained more recognition, things were going well. They had been promoting Thunderous for the second week in music shows.
There had been a girl group - Felix did not remember their name anymore - which had been promoting at the same shows and often had the slot either directly before or after them.
At the end of the second week - they were scheduled to perform at Inkigayo - he found one of the girls together with Chan. Not wanting to disturb the moment, he hid behind a corner, watching the girl confess to his leader.
Felix did not know her at all yet in his heart he was cheering for her. His leader deserved love and she deserved a reward for her bravery. Yet Chan rejected her confession - in the nicest manner Felix had ever had the honour to witness (or maybe the boys at his old school just had been dicks). Chan’s heart was closed from the years of training and the pressure of the industry. Felix knew that.
The shocking part, however, was when the girl collapsed before she started to vomit flowers.
Later - when the girl was taken away by medics and all of Stray Kids was back in the dorm - the manager confirmed that the girl was suffering from Hanahaki. While confessing the feelings were generally seen as the favoured way of curing the disease this only applied to when the feelings were mutual. If the feelings were not mutual and you were rejected, the mental shock and stress of the heartbreak would make the disease only worse - like in the case of the female idol.
During the whole explanation Felix had only half paid attention to what their manager had said. His focus was more on Chan who on the surface kept calm. Yet Felix had already learnt how to read him. He could see how more guilt and regrets were piling up in his mind which he hated to see. He wanted to lift the burden Chan was carrying.
A feeling that had not changed since that night. No, it had only increased to the point that Felix had confessed to Hyunjin one night that yes he was in love with Chan.
Falling in love with Chan had been easy, but loving Chan was not. Chan was a wonderful and kind man who always looked out for them, willing to take up every burden and tear down every wall just so that Felix and the others could move forward on their path without any troubles. It was an admirable trait and Felix knew how much he owed Chan and yet it hurt to witness.
Because Chan insisted on doing so alone. Sure, it had gotten better the older they got and Chan had learnt to better take care of himself, to set boundaries for himself and such, yet Felix could feel it was not enough. Chan still has not allowed himself to step out from the limits the industry had set them years ago - for the sake of the group he claimed.
A year after the incident they had seen the girl and her group again at some award show. Felix was glad to see her healthy. As she was apparently the leader of her own group she greeted Chan - as if they had never met before.
The emergency surgery to rescue her from the flowers in her lungs had taken her memories of Chan. Felix could not feel sad for her. It was better this way, no one liked to remember a heartbreak anyway. She got a new chance at life and he wished she would find true love one day.
Meanwhile in his case, Felix had realised as time passed how hard it was to love Chan because Chan did not accept to be loved in any other way than a platonic one - and even this had been difficult for the leader to accept already. Chan did not want to share his burdens with a partner and preferred solitude.
And Felix was about to try anyway. For his own sake, for Chan’s sake and maybe a bit of Hyunjin’s sake so that his friend would stop worrying.
”Chris?” Thankfully the studio had not been locked but Felix wanted to announce his presence anyway.
“Lix, hey! What’s up?” Thankfully the leader did not seem too deep in his work. He even seemed happy that Felix visited him. It was a good sign, at least the blonde hoped so. “You are coming at the right time. I was working on the song about young love you gave me. Do you want to hear it?”
Oh the irony… Actually Felix had written the song with his feelings for the other Australian man in mind. It was about how he would love him if they had not met in an entertainment agency in Seoul but at some school in Australia, where everything would have been so much simpler. He had dared himself to dream about it and to bask in that feeling while writing the lyrics. It was ridiculous in a way but Felix always felt lyrics were better when they were rooted in the actual feelings they talked about.
But this was something he could not tell Chan - yet.
”Maybe later. I have something I want to talk about with you.” Despite feeling even more nervous than before their debut showcase, Felix’s voice remained calm. He wanted to do it - he had to do it. If he chickened out again, he was sure he would never ever dare another attempt.
”Oh of course.” Sure, they all came with their worries and troubles to Channie-hyung but something told Felix that Chan knew that he would hear something out of the ordinary now. Maybe it was how the leader closed first his laptop and then the door before gesturing over to the sofa.
“So what is it? You know that -“
”You would never judge me or anything unless I’ve done some crime but even then you would try to bail me out. I know Chris, I know.” Chan always started serious talk with this disclaimer. It was meant to make them feel safe which Felix appreciated more than anything especially in their early days. “Thank you, hyung.”
Still, Chan might not judge him for what he was about to hear but it was scary nonetheless. It has been ages since Felix last confessed - it had been back in Australia - and he had totally messed it up back then. ”Hyung, I see you carry all the burdens and regrets, even the ones you don’t have to carry, and I don’t want you to carry them alone. Let me help you to carry everything. Not just the group but really everything. You are a wonderful person, loving, kind and always thinking of others first, so I could not help but fall -“
Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder and a stern voice said: ”Felix, stop here.”
”Hm?” Panic bubbled inside of Felix’s chest. This was not how it was supposed to go.
”Felix, it is better if you don’t say it.”
”What? Chris, what do you mean? There are no more secret cameras here recording every step we take and even if there are, I don’t care! They can know that I -“
”No, Felix.” Chan’s voice remained stern and his whole demeanour did not seem like he was confessed to, it was more as if Felix just told him he robbed a bank simply because he felt like doing so. “Don’t say it.”
”Why?” The bags under Felix's eyes grew hot with tears. He could feel how they would spill over soon but he wanted to remain composed - at least as long he was in this room.
”Because it is better this way.”
”Bullshit. Chris, you deserve love and to be loved. Fuck what the people say, they don’t have to know but Chris, you can’t seriously deny yourself everything nice in life.”
“Felix, you know that -“
”You are a self sacrificing idiot? Yes I’m pretty familiar with your game. And guess what? I don’t care.” Felix had expected that Chan would not easily accept a confession. He never did as long as Felix knew him but this was worse. Chan did not even let him properly confess. It seemed as if Chan was scared to hear those words from him, that saying the L-word out loud would make everything too real.
”It is not that simple.”
”I know that and again I don’t care. We have been through a lot already and I know that together we can manage this, too.” It was never simple with Chan - or in this industry. But together they had survived so many storms and this one seemed minor compared to others. Sure, no one outside the group and their family could ever know yet Felix could not care less about it. He wanted to be with Chan.
”You deserve better than me.”
”Hell no, don’t start this. You cannot tell me this.” Tears started spilling. “Chris, I know you shoulder all burdens but let me help you. Let me lift some from your shoulders and be at your side. I promise you, no matter what you won’t regret it. Please just give me a chance…”
”No Felix, I can’t.” Chan shook his head. “I made my decision long ago and I want you to be with someone who truly cherishes you.”
”Chris, I’m stronger than you think. I could handle it.” Felix hated it when people saw him as weak. He did not have all those Taekwondo medals for nothing. His mentality was strong as well. Running around in unisex clothing required a bunch of mental strength in a country like South Korea.
“Changbin.”
”Hm?”
”Give Changbin a chance. He is the right one for you. He can give you what you need.”
”Changbin is straight.” At least as far as Felix knew. There was Changbin’s maybe not so platonic crush on Hyunjin, but so far Felix had only seen him with women. He was the one Felix could imagine the most having a wife, two kids and a nice house with a garden at the edges of the city in a few years.
“Just trust me on this.”
”Why would I?” The rollercoaster of emotions that Felix was feeling took a new turn - towards anger or maybe it was just frustration again, just stronger than before. “Chris, you know what I was trying to do here? And you try to shove me over to your best friend? Don’t you see how insane this is?”
“I’m trying to do what’s the best for both of you.”
”You don’t know shit about it! Do you think it’s fair towards Changbin? I don’t have feelings for him.”
”I’m sure eventually you will…”
“Oh fuck you Christopher.” Chan visibly flinched when Felix used his full English first name. And Felix did not feel the slightest bit of sorry. Chan needed to know that he fucked up badly at this moment. “I hope for you that you will realise how stupid your behaviour is. And I hope that this will be before it’s too late.” The blonde one stood up from the sofa, tears still flowing due to the mix of sadness and anger. “Regarding the song, we can talk another day. It’s not like we have a deadline or anything. But I really don’t want to be alone with you right now.”
”I understand. And Felix? I’m sorry.”
”Shut up!” Apologies were the last thing Felix wanted to hear in this situation. Or any other excuses from Chan’s mouth.
Leaving the studio he made his way to the bathroom first. He needed to look presentable before crossing any other people - one of the downsides of being an idol. You just could not run around with tears in your eyes and be heartbroken in public.
After calming down - and destroying a few rolls of toilet paper because this was the only thing available on which he could let out some of his anger - Felix asked his driver to bring him to the dorm of Hyunjin and Changbin.
Not because of Chan’s words, but unfortunately it was a fact that his best friend Hyunjin lived together with the man Chan wanted to set Felix up with for some stupid reason.
All the dorms were not far from the company so he only sent a quick text to Hyunjin that he was coming over and not even ten minutes later, he was typing in the passcode at the dorm’s door. They all knew each other’s door codes - for emergency cases of course (even if the emergency was in nine out of ten cases stealing food from another dorm because someone forgot to buy groceries again and no more nearby restaurants were delivering anymore).
To his surprise however, Changbin was standing in the living room with a cup of something warm in his hands. “Chan warned me that you might come.” Of course, he did, Felix was tempted to roll his eyes. “Sorry Hyunjin is at some photo shooting, but I made you hot chocolate. Chan’s message sounded like you would need it.”
“Thanks hyung.”
As much as Felix wanted to be mad that Chan’s stupid plan to set him up with Changbin seemed to be working in some way, Felix just could not. Changbin was too kind and certainly had no idea about whatever their leader was doing. Also he did need a hot chocolate and a friend right now.
Ungracefully Felix let himself fall onto the sofa in the living room before accepting the cup. From somewhere Changbin pulled out a soft blue blanket and draped it over Felix. “Hyunjin had ordered this one for you. He said we might need a Felix emergency blanket soon.” The older one said with a soft smile.
“Good to know.” Hyunjin probably had predicted this outcome in some way. Even Felix knew that rejection had been the most likely result, yet you never knew until you tried, right? Also, the main point of this whole shit show had been anyway to get his heart broken before flowers took root in his lungs.
Hyunjin, ever the romantic at heart, had been fascinated about the disease, even went as far as romanticizing it in a song - which the management had prevented him from realising so far as the topic was deemed too risky. Hence, it was no surprise that Felix had first told Hyunjin about his feelings for their leader, his friend had forwarded him about some study about Hanahaki.
It stated that if the subject confessed before developing the first signs of the disease, there would be no outbreak in regard to this love. Of course, each time the person fell in love anew the chance to develop Hanahaki was there again, yet confessions - even with them ended with a rejection - still seemed the most potent Hanahaki-prevention.
“You know, you don’t have to tell me what happened, but I’m here for you, Bokkie.” Changbin sitting down next to him pulled Felix out from his thoughts.
”Thank you.”
”This means that of course your favourite emotional support muscles are also here for you.” With a grin Changbin flexed his arms and Felix could not help but smile a bit - before grabbing his ‘favourite emotional support muscles’ and hugged Changbin’s arm like a koala hugged a tree.
“You’re the best.”
By the time Hyunjin came back home, Felix was feeling slightly better. Hugging and squeezing Changbin’s muscles indeed helped him to calm down. It was perhaps a weird copying/comfort mechanism, but the blonde one did not care much. It was way better than drugs.
Still Hyunjin seemed to need just one glance at the two to get an idea what was going on. “What an idiot.” He mumbled before joining the two on the sofa.
Later - after dinner together which was of course from Felix’ favourite fried chicken place - Changbin went to the gym to give the two privacy to talk. He had not pried about why Felix was feeling down which made Felix glad that there was at least one 3RACHA member with emotional intelligence.
”I mean… Binnie is not the worst choice, but Chan can’t be serious! This guy is gonna end up all alone. Like no one can be that stupid and reject someone as perfect as you!” Hyunjin was visibly upset after Felix retold what happened. Under other circumstances the blonde one might have tried to calm down his friend, but he was still too hurt by Chan’s rejection. Sometimes even someone like Felix could be very petty. “At least you can’t catch Hanahaki anymore, so it’s something?”
”Yeah… I guess…” There had been no guarantee that Felix would eventually develop into the disease. Not every unsaid love confession turned into Hanahaki. Still, the rejection hurt more than the relief that somewhat one problem was out of the way.
”His way of rejecting you was shit, yes, but I guess that he tries to set you up with Changbin shows that he cares. In his own dumb way.”
“Very stupid way, Changbin is straight for all I know.” The only thing worse than falling for an emotionally constipated guy was falling for a nice straight guy. At the former you could be frustrated for his dumbness but the later one? You cannot be mad at someone for their sexuality, something no one chose.
”To be honest, I’m not that sure about it anymore. He has been asking some interesting questions lately… And who knows what these guys talk about in the studio. I have the feeling Chan said that because he knows something.” Hyunjin shrugged. “And with us beauties in the group? No guy can truly stay straight.” The dancer added with a grin.
”Innie and Minnie would object to this.”
”Once I’m done with them, they will agree with me.”
”Leave the maknaes alone!” It was too hilarious, but good. A smile that could last crept on Felix’s face.
“Not until Innie finally confessed his undying love to me.” And when Hyunjin wanted something, he would get it. Felix knew that. “But back to the topic. You don’t have to do what this idiot tells you, but if you ever feel yourself falling for Changbin, go for it. He already has a soft spot for you and I can see it growing into something more.”
”We will see.”
Ultimately, it took a while for Felix to be able to stand Chan’s presence alone. Not because he was rejected - Chan had every right to his feelings and if he had not harboured the same feelings for Felix as he did it was fine - but because of the way Chan was looking at Felix.
He looked at him as if Felix’s feelings were another burden for him to carry which in turn made Felix angry. He had wanted to lift Chan’s burdens, to help him carry him and this idiot instead added it to his pile. Chan had taken something pure and kind and turned it into the exact opposite.
It took a bit for Felix to come to terms that Chan seemed to simply not want any help, so he did not try to offer it anymore. If he wanted to suffer, fine. There was nothing Felix could or wanted to do anymore other than hope that one day Chan would wake up and realise how stupid he acted.
In the meantime, Felix often hung out in the Hyunibini dorm. Being around your best friend was simply the best remedy for a heartbreak and spending time with Changbin was also fun. Felix could feel that Changbin wanted to know what happened that day, yet just like on the fateful day itself he never overstepped any boundaries and accepted when Felix blocked any questions in that regard. He - and his muscles - were just there for Felix. Which was exactly what the blonde one needed.
”By the way what happened to that one song you were working on? That puppy love song?” The rapper eventually asked.
”To be honest, I didn’t feel like working on a love song recently…” Releasing Truman with Jisung had been good for Felix. It had taken off his mind from the topic of love for a time because yes, the song also expressed love to their fans, but love was not the main theme of the song.
“I get that. Can I hear what you have so far anyway?”
”It’s not much.” Felix had never gotten to hear what Chan had done with the song back then and now, he did not feel like he wanted to. Still, he showed his last saved file to the other 3RACHA member. Showing it to Changbin seemed fine, he was neutral ground.
“You really have a talent for lyrics. Soon Jisung and I are jobless.” The rapper said with a grin after reading through the lyrics.
”Don’t say that, hyung! You guys are better. And I’m not sure whether I like these lyrics anymore…” The lyrics were a what if of him and Chan. One that would stay forever a what if now and Felix was not sure whether he wanted to be reminded of it constantly.
”You don’t have a deadline, so you can always rework them. But I think Stay would like them a lot so maybe keep the overall theme. Young and innocent love, who doesn’t yearn for it?”
Felix was close to reply ‘our leader’ but instead he opted for a simple “Thank you, hyung.”.
However, from that day on, Felix found himself working on the song again - but with Changbin’s help. When he found time, he visited the rapper’s studio to get his feedback and with an americano as an apology for taking his time. Changbin never minded, always welcoming him with an enthusiastic smile.
Spending time with Changbin made Felix feel relaxed and soon they also spent more time together outside of the studio. The rapper had offered to oversee Felix’s back training on days the blonde one was not scheduled to meet with his personal trainer. Despite not being a pro in this field the older one often offered helpful advice - and one of those awfully tasting protein drinks.
Felix seriously wondered how 3RACHA could constantly drink them. He would rather stay without muscles than having to drink these ones constantly, even though the strawberry flavoured one was somewhat bearable.
Needless to say, after Changbin realised that Felix kind of liked the strawberry flavour, he always got this one for him. Only for Felix to drag him to a cafe afterwards, to show him that a real Strawberry Latte tastes much better. Their ‘post-workout dates’ as Changbin liked to call them soon became something Felix started to look forward to. He felt at peace when he spent time with Changbin because the rapper never made him feel like a burden and Felix always returned home with a smile.
Another leg of the tour started and soon Felix found himself in a hotel room in some American city, looking over the lyrics of his song. He had been reworking them constantly and now they felt like they had reached their final version. Now it was not the what if of him and Chan anymore. No, now the lyrics told a story of a love growing from a long friendship, of the realization that someone had become more than a friend for you and your safe space.
Feeling proud of himself that he kept the vibe of the song, he wanted to text Changbin to come over and check them.
This was when it hit him.
Lyrics he had originally written for Chan turned into lyrics written for Changbin - because he had fallen in love with Changbin now.
A part of Felix cringed at the thought that Chan’s stupid plan had worked out but mostly he was shockingly calm about it.
While the thought about confessing to Chan had mainly caused anxiety in Felix’s mind, there was no such a feeling regarding Changbin. No, Felix even scolded himself for thinking about his ex-crush and still leader again because Changbin did not deserve it.
Without actually thinking about it, Felix found himself leaving his hotel room and making his way towards Changbin’s one. Moments after knocking on his door, the rapper opened it, only wearing a bathrobe. ‘Sexy’ swirled in Felix’s mind and he found himself licking his lips.
”Bokkie, is everything okay?”
”Oh yes! More than okay. Can I come in?” His voice was full of confidence that everything would go well.
”Of course.”
The confidence thankfully did not leave him after the door was closed behind him and they made their way towards the small seating area in the room.
“What gives me the honour of this beautiful angel visiting me at this hour? Sorry that I’m underdressed for this moment.” Changbin’s flirting was over the top like always but Felix did not mind it at all, he loved it.
”I finished the lyrics to my song. I think I’m finally happy with them.”
”That’s great. Do you want to show them to me then?”
”No, that’s not why I am here.” The blonde one took a deep breath before continuing. “Originally I wrote those lyrics with a different love story in mind, but after I started to rework the song with your help I ultimately realised that they became another love story. They became our love story because I started to like you, more than ever before.” Felix still hesitated to use the big L-word. Last time went pretty badly when he attempted to use it so it was better to be safe than sorry.
“I knew you would fall victim to my charm.” Smiling softly, Changbin pulled Felix into his arms. “I like you, too, Felix. No, wait, I love you. I really didn’t want to say anything because not too long ago someone broke your heart, but I’m so grateful that nonetheless you opened it for me. I promise I will take care of it.”
”And I will take care of yours.” At this moment, everything felt right. Everything had fallen into the place where it belonged. So Felix leaned closer and sealed their lips.
The kiss soon turned more passionate and not too long after that Felix found out that the only thing that is more sexy than Changbin in a bathrobe was Changbin without a bathrobe. It felt right to move at this fast pace even though Felix normally did not have sex right after confessing. Yet Changbin felt safe and he cherished Felix and his body more than any of his past lovers ever did.
For the first time in a while Felix felt truly happy.
Naturally - and with Changbin’s permission - Hyunjin was the first one to know about his new relationship. “Well, it’s you so I guess I can forgive my wife being stolen from me.” He said with a smile.
”Hey, don’t call my boyfriend your wife! It makes me think I really stole him from you.”
”Nah, don’t worry. I know that the beefy guys are more your type. I like muscles, too, but not that much. Plus Stays love it when I call him my wife. The more I do this, the less they suspect that something is going on between you two.”
Like every idol Felix was aware of the shipping that was ongoing. The company even encouraged everything that could fuel this but they were supposed to hint something with every other member and not to make your preferences too obvious - something Minho and Jisung absolutely failed in but by now everyone just had given up on reminding them to be subtle.
Yet it still hurt Felix to know that him and Chan were among the popular pairings. Him and Changbin were fairly popular, too, but still there was a gap.
Sometimes Felix wondered what their fans would think if they knew the truth.
Would they be disappointed in Chan like he was? Or would they be angry with him?
He hoped that if for some reason the truth would ever reach the public they would not be angry with him. It would only close off his heart even more. Felix truly hoped for Chan that one day he would meet a person who was more stubborn and stronger than Felix and would not give up until they had opened Chan’s heart to let themselves in.
Certainly, just by confessing and sleeping with each other once, Felix’s and Changbin’s relationship was not fully solid yet. Thus, in another city after another concert, they sat down in their hotel room and talked about everything that could be important which led to Felix confessing that the one who broke his heart was Chan.
”Honestly, we all suspected it. The way you were avoiding him after the day was the first clue. Then you happily jump at the opportunity to do Truman with Jisung which is so much the opposite of what you have been working on? Plus Chan’s looks are not exactly subtle.”
”They are the worst… I think I could have handled everything better without knowing the way he looks at me.”
”Believe me, we tried to help him before you. Of course in other ways. But even Minho failed… Sometimes I feel like he really needs to have everything truly crushing down on him to wake up, but we love him too much to let that actually happen.”
”I get that…” Felix really did. No matter what, he wanted the best for Chan, this never changed. But knowing that the best for someone could be first experiencing the worst? That was a thought Felix did not like.
Changbin also confirmed that Felix was indeed his first man. When Changbin suspected he had been falling for the blonde one, he had first asked Jisung for advice in this regard - only to be traumatised with too many details from his and Minho’s relationship. Afterwards he had started to ask both Hyunjin and Chan more subtly about it, masking it as simple curiosity about same-sex relationships.
It quickly showed that Changbin was not only eager to learn about same-sex relationships but also about Felix’s preferences and boundaries which in turn made Felix fall harder for him.
Sure his bar was low. Changbin was (unfortunately) not the first straight guy falling for him - thanks to Felix’s androgynous look he attracted quite a share of this type of men - but most of his previous partners had just treated him as another hole to fuck into.
After their first night this part of their relationship had to be put on pause. Felix had to reduce any risks of making this back hurt more and unfortunately sex was one.
And amazingly the first time in a long long time Felix was not happy about it. Previously it always had been a warning to his horny exes who soon dumped him after they got those news. Felix made the swift realisation that these men probably only had dated him because fucking Felix had a 0.0% pregnancy risk.
Changbin, however, seemed like the perfect boyfriend.
Rather than seeking relief after the long day, he took Felix out on dates rather than fuck him in the hotel room. Certainly, being in the same group made going to a cafe or some famous and romantic place less suspicious than Felix going out with some other person, yet the effort Changbin put into everything simply amazed him.
Especially Changbin’s general attitude and the small things - constantly checking in on him, handing him water or pain killers or just being an oversized pillow/squeeze toy when Felix needed it - made Felix feel loved.
Felix could not wait until they were back at home to get the full Changbin boyfriend treatment. The reviews had been good, Felix was aware of this. Changbin’s ex girlfriends only had broken up with him due their mutual busy schedules.
The blonde one had always believed that getting this treatment himself had been out of question, yet he always secretly hoped that one day he would meet a guy like Changbin. Thus, it was even better that he had gotten the original one now.
In turn, Felix did his best to show his appreciation for the rapper. He tried to be as attentive as Changbin even though the rapper often beat him in the same.
“I got more experience as the older one”, he said one day as he found Felix pouting because Changbin already had a towel and a water bottle prepared for him.
“You are only a year older than me.”
By the time they reached the middle part of the European leg of the tour, both Felix and Changbin felt settled enough in their relationship to tell the rest of the group about it. Thankfully everyone seemed supportive of it, Jisung even suggested they could go on double dates with him and Minho. It was a tempting offer but even in Europe they were too famous to risk that.
Also, Felix ignored the way Jeongin handed Seungmin a 50€ bill. He would later ask his dorm mate about it.
“And just for you to know. This is not because of what you said.” Shortly before their next show, Felix found himself alone with Chan for the first time in a while.
”Still, I knew that he would be good for you. You look good together.”
”A lucky guess.”
”Doesn’t matter. He will make you happy and you deserve that.”
”You know that you deserve happiness, too?” But all Felix got as a reply was a sad smile before the staff called them to go on stage.
The last shows of the tour passed in a blur. They were as successful as they were stressful.
The last leg of tours were always exhausting and Felix could feel it deep in his bones yet this time Felix did not mind it that much, maybe thanks to still being on cloud nine.
So by the time the encore shows in Korea took place, he was ready to perform his new song. He and Changbin had finished it together which made it feel like their first born child. When Felix mentioned that, however, Changbin acted offended because how did Felix dare to forget their actual first born Because?
Fortunately, a kiss was enough to forgive his mishap.
To add to Felix’s happiness the response from the fans to his song had been overwhelmingly positive. They loved it and of course there had been theories who was the one Felix was singing about. Chan’s name was dropped a few times in the discourse, but this time it did not hurt to read. Felix was more amused about it because they had no idea about the actual story of this song.
However, right after the encores there was no time to rest for Felix yet.
He was called to Paris for Louis Vuitton again. Changbin sulked a bit about this since he had looked forward to spending some days alone with his boyfriend - which might or not might have included kicking Hyunjin (or Seungmin) out of the dorm, a lot of condoms as well as cuddling. Still, he understood that the ambassadorship was Felix’s passion and this was just the life of a successful idol. Plus they still could do Changbin’s plan after Felix’s Paris trip.
It was a sunny afternoon in Paris when Felix’s phone suddenly rang. Normally the members never called when he was abroad unless there was some kind of emergency, so he knew that something was wrong.
To his shock it was not Chan’s caller ID but Changbin’s one - another concerning sign. Whenever something bad happened, it was Chan who called. “Binnie, is everything okay?” The question was more of a rhetorical one, Felix already knew something was certainly not okay.
”Chan collapsed today and was taken to the hospital.” Felix hated to think that it was something he could have expected. Because it had happened in the past. But he had assumed their leader was better at taking care of himself nowadays - a wrong assumption on his side apparently. Still, it made him worry.
”Did he overwork himself again?”
”No… yes… maybe” His boyfriend on the other end sounded full of worry and confusion. Felix wished he could hug him. “It might have played a part but it is not the main problem.”
Not the main problem? Whatever had happened was bad, really bad, Felix could feel it without knowing the full picture. “What happened?”
Had Chan taken drugs? No, that was impossible. Chan had always tried to be the prime example of a good idol. He would never…
But alcohol? Maybe. A lot of artists experienced a low after coming back from tour and a fair share compensated that with alcohol.
Or maybe something worse? No, Chan would never try to end his life, Felix was sure about it. Or not so sure at that moment.
Yet all his theories could not prepare for what Changbin told him. “He nearly suffocated on flowers.”
”Hanahaki?” On the first glance Chan suffering from Hanahaki seemed like a foreign concept, especially to Felix. Chan had always rejected all romantic feelings, he had never accepted any… or this was the exact reason why had gotten it. If there was someone who suppresses his feelings to the point he could grow sick, it would be Chan. Yes, it made sense and Felix hated this awareness.
”Yes, they are currently trying to extract the flowers but from what I’ve overheard he was at a late stage already.”
”Fuck.” They could not lose Chan. Chan was the glue that kept their group together. “I will talk with Nicolas and the manager. I’m coming as soon as I can.”
”Thank you. Do you know who?”
They were likely grasping at every straw in Korea and Felix felt helpless. Not only because he was so far away but also because had no answer. ”No sorry… Since that day we never really had any personal talks. And you know him… He would rather bite off his tongue than admit any feelings.”
”Yeah you’re right. Please come home soon.”
”I try. Love you, Binnie.” He just had to say it in this situation. It was weird because their leader was suffering from a love related disease, yet he wanted to assure Changbin of his love. Was it wrong? Maybe. But he needed it for himself.
”Love you too, Bokkie.”
Fortunately, Felix was able to take the next flight to Seoul on the same day. 13 hours without internet were another kind of torture in this situation but he had to trust in god and the doctors. They would save Chan. They had to save Chan. Still, he was unable to sleep the whole flight.
When he was finally able to turn on the internet again, he saw his boyfriend’s messages that Chan survived the operation and was sleeping in a room. Apparently, he had shortly gained consciousness at some point, but something happened during this time that made Changbin worry. But whatever that something was, he did not explain.
It was both reassuring that everything will be fine eventually and alarming. The situation had seemingly come out of nowhere with no warning at all. Felix did not dare to continue the thought that there could have been signs but his recent fallout with Chan had prevented him from seeing those. No one had seemed to notice anything, their leader had been too good at hiding his suffering. The speculation was not comforting yet it was all he had.
Moreover, Felix had also gotten messages from the other members - which were no less worrisome.
Hyunjin had told him to prepare his heart for what was to come.
Seungmin had messaged him that he was sorry for Felix.
Jeongin had assured him that everything will be fine eventually.
Minho had asked him not to blame himself.
And Jisung’s voice message was a mix of fuck and sorry mostly.
Those messages only confused Felix further. What was going on? He had come as fast as he could but sure, he would have also preferred to be there for Chan since the beginning. He knew he could not blame himself for not noticing anything. Still, he wished he could have prevented this situation somehow…
Yet it was too late now and by the time he arrived at the hospital, he was ready. The worst had not happened. Chan was still alive and this was the most important thing. Whatever else happened was fixable. They needed a break anyway. Chan could recover during the break. 3RACHA had produced enough songs for Stay Kids to come twice a year until 2030.
Whatever it was they would survive it because Chan had survived the worst already.
Changbin picked him up at the entrance of the hospital. Their managers did not know of their relationship, yet it did not seem to matter much at that moment. Changbin laced their fingers together anyway. “I’m here for you. I know it’s gonna be difficult.”
Felix just nodded. He had no idea what was going on but he knew he could lean on his boyfriend. He had all the faith in Changbin.
Together they went to the room where their leader was staying. At the door Changbin stopped him, which again confused Felix. Nothing seemed to make sense at this point.
“Let me go in first.”
"Okay?" Felix had no other choice than trust his boyfriend. The puzzle pieces did not seem to fit together. All he could do was to follow the flow - whatever it was, wherever it led.
A few moments passed until Felix was called into the room.
All the members were there. They looked exhausted but he had seen them in worse states.
Chan was sitting in his bed, looking less exhausted than the rest. Probably because he had finally gotten some rest. Not for the best reason but his eye bags were less prominent, which was something, a small reason for Felix to think positively. Seeing him awake was a good sign, yet the way he looked at Felix was another confusing view,
“Hey Chris.” No reply came but this was okay. Felix remembered reading that some Hanahaki survivors had troubles with speaking right after the extraction. “I’m glad to see you awake. I was so worried the whole time after Binnie called me.” Felix made his way over to the bad and tried to take his leader’s hand. However, to his confusion Chan pulled the hand away the moment Felix touched it - which should have been the first warning about what was to come.
”Who are you?”