Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The first nosebleed happens after they get back from a call at 3 am. They’re all getting out of their turnouts when Ravi feels the warm liquid make its way down his face. He puts his fingers to his lip and pulls it back down to see they’re covered in blood. Instinctively, he pinches the bridge of his nose and cups his other hand to catch the falling blood. 

“Woah Ravs you ok?” Chimney makes his way towards the younger man to check on him.

“Yeah yeah I’m good, just a little nosebleed. Nothing too serious. Probably just from all the smoke.”

Yeah smoke that's definitely it. Nothing else. That is the completely reasonable explanation for a random nose bleed. 

Chim hands him some tissues as Ravi makes his way to the bathroom to try and clean up. 

He gets to the sink and the nosebleed is already slowing down, easing Ravi’s anxiety in the process. He holds pressure for a bit longer and when he’s convinced it’s done, he gets rid of the tissues and washes his hands. He hasn’t done it in years but for some reason he feels the need to pull out his phone and open his note section. 

Tuesday 9/13- nosebleed, lasts 3 min

He stares at the phone. He reads his note over and over, going through the simple details he’s typed out. 

“This is stupid, I’m fine.”

He deletes the note and leaves the bathroom to join the rest of the team. 

A week later Ravi is in the locker room with Buck and Eddie, all of them changing into their uniforms. Ravi pulls his shirt up over his head and throws it into his locker and grabs the navy blue button down on the bench. 

“Damn Ravi, who did you get into a fight with?”

He turns around to face Eddie confused with the comment. 

“What are you talking about? I didn’t get into a fight.”

“Dude you have a huge bruise on your shoulder and another on your side.” 

Ravi feels his heart stop and quickly makes his way to the mirror, doing his best to try and examine the supposed bruises on his body. 

“What the fuck?”

“You have bruises like that and you don’t even know where you got them from?” Buck is watching Ravi with a look of concern and confusion. 

Ravi is running his hand over the mystery bruises that are turning his skin into a bluish purple blend of colors. His hands begin to shake and he quickly throws his shirt on to cover the marks.

“Uh I forgot, I tripped and fell at frisbee golf! You know how dangerous the sport can be right?” He lets out a nervous chuckle as he stumbles out of the room, knowing his friends definitely do not believe his lie. The two men share worried glances as they finish getting ready. 

Ravi makes his way to the bathroom and locks the door behind him. He quickly strips down to his boxers and runs his eyes over every part of his body. Searching for more bruises, really searching for anything that could be a concerning sign. He contorts in the mirror trying to get a glimpse of every inch of his skin. By the end of his extensive search he has his phone out and a list started in his note section. 

Bruises- 9/29

• Right shoulder
• Left side
• Left shin
• Right foot

4. It’s only 4 bruises. It’s probably from a call. Yeah we had a few intense calls. It’s definitely from that. Nothing else is going on. 

Once again Ravi deletes the note on his phone. He quickly gets dressed again and heads out of the bathroom trying to slow his breathing and calm his nerves. As he makes his way up to the kitchen he feels a tug at his arm. He turns and sees Buck looking genuinely scared. 

“Hey Ravs I uh I just wanted to check in. Are you sure you’re doing ok? Those bruises looked kinda gnarly.”

Ravi’s breathing picks up again, knowing he was never good at lying. “Yeah yeah bro I’m uh fine. All good. Just a little slip, you know it was raining when I was playing frolf, so I slipped in the grass. All good though.” He plasters a smile on his face and prays that Buck just drops it. Of course, in true Buck fashion, he does not. 

“It hasn’t rained in LA for 3 weeks Ravi and those are fresh bruises. What is going on?”

“Buck I’m fine I swear can you just leave it alone?” Ravi sighs, he knows his friend is just concerned for him but he really doesn’t want to go deeper into it at the moment. 

“No, I’m not leaving it alone man, why do you have those bruises?”

“I don’t know, ok!” He throws his hands up exasperated. “I don’t know how I got them. They’re random bruises that just showed up and it's freaking me out cause I don’t know how I got them and it brings up bad memories so please for the love of god don’t ask me more because I don’t want to talk about it.”

Bucks jaw drops at Ravi’s reaction. He’s never seen the man so angry before, in fact he’s never even heard him raise his voice. He lets Ravi leave but makes a note to keep checking in on him. He doesn’t know what his friend is going through but he wants to make sure he helps where he can. 

They’re in the middle of a 24 hour shift when the next symptom hits Ravi. They’re all in their bunks trying to get some sleep before their next call. All is going well with that until Ravi jolts awake. He sits up and feels his body covered in sweat. He’s been on high alert since the nosebleeds and bruises, both of which he’s had more of since the first occurrences, but this sends his anxiety into high gear. Everything else he could explain away in his head but the night sweats? He’s immediately taken back to waking up drenched in his spider man pjs, thinking it was weird because it wasn’t even that warm out. Before he can dive deeper into the triggering memories he pushes it down and gets out of bed, making his way to the locker room to grab another pair of shorts and a tshirt. Before he heads back to the bunks, he stops in the kitchen for a glass of water. To his surprise Eddie and Hen are sitting on the couch both with a book in their hands. Hen is the first to say something in a soft voice. 

“Hey Ravi! What are you doing up?”

“Just got too hot in there. Had to change cause I was sweating too much.” He lets oh another nervous chuckle. “What about you guys?”

“Hen and I don’t usually sleep well at the station so we usually end up here reading with each other.”

“It’s nice when the station is this quiet.” Hen gives him a soft smile. 

Ravi sits down in the chair across from them and something about the moment makes him feel safe enough to ask them for their opinions. 

“Yeah it is pretty nice. Um, can I ask you guys something? It’s pretty personal and maybe a little crazy but I’m kinda freaking out.”

They both look at each other a bit thrown off, but they put their books down and turn their bodies towards the younger man. 

“Yeah of course Ravi, what’s up?” Hen answers. 

“Well you remember what I told you after the explosion at the hospital?” Other than Hen and Bobby, Ravi hasn’t told anyone else about his diagnosis as a kid. 

Her face shifts as the concern grows. Hen is a mother and mother knows when something is wrong with one of her kids. 

“Yeah of course. I would never forget that. Are you ok?”

Eddie is becoming more confused by the second. Obviously there’s something serious going on and he has no clue what it is. 

“Wait, you guys are scaring me. Can someone fill me in? Why wouldn’t Ravi be ok?”

Ravi takes a deep breath. He knows the coming conversation will probably end in tears, but he also knows that he needs to tell someone before he explodes. He figures Eddie wouldn’t give him as many pity looks as other members of the team so he decides to share with both of them. 

“When I was 9 I was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. I was pulled out of school and did treatment for 3 years. Um since then I’ve been good but uh recently some stuff has been happening.”

“Oh my God Ravi I’m so sorry. That’s terrible. I can’t imagine going through something that terrifying as a kid.”

Hen cuts him off before Eddie can say anything else. “What do you mean stuff? You don’t think?”

“That I’m relapsing after so long?” Ravi feels the tears begin to burn at his eyes as he looks at the ceiling and tries to take a deep breath. “Well there’s been some symptoms and I don’t know if I’m just thinking too hard about it.” He tries to focus his eyes on Hen knowing that she will be his voice of reason in this. “It started with nosebleeds, I just thought the smoke was getting to me but they happened a few more times when I wasn’t at work. Then Buck and Eddie noticed bruises in the locker room.”

“We knew you were lying but we didn’t, well I didn’t want to push. I’m sorry Ravi.”

“No it’s fine it’s not your fault Eddie. I wouldn’t have told you anyway. I kept getting them though and I didn't know where they were coming from. And then of course.” He makes a motion with his hands to make note of his changed outfit. He looks to Hen with pleading eyes, begging her to tell him that he’s just letting his anxiety get the best of him and it’s nothing to be worried about.

“The night sweats. Another common symptom of ALL. Oh Ravi.” In one swift motion she’s on her feet pulling the young man into a bone crushing hug, that causes Ravi to let out all of his pent up fear and emotion from the past couple weeks. He tries to be as quiet as possible as he falls apart in Hen’s arms. Eddie quickly joins them, wrapping his arms around both of them. He tries his best to talk Ravi down and remind him of the facts at hand. 

“Hey nothing is confirmed yet ok? I know the symptoms are terrifying and your mind immediately goes to the worst possible situations but it can be anything Ravi. Have you reached out to a doctor yet?”

Ravi who is still being held by both of his friends does his best to answer through his tears. “N-No not yet. I kept excusing the symptoms but t-tonight was the first time I let myself really think relapse was a possibility.”

Hen is rubbing circles on Ravi’s back as she does her best to calm him down. “Ok there’s not much we can do right now, but we can make a plan to help you call in the morning. When was your last oncology appointment? Was everything normal then?”

“Uhh probably like 3, maybe 4 years ago.”

Hen pulls back from the hug to look at Ravi in complete shock. “What do you mean 4 years? Shouldn't that be a yearly thing?”

“I couldn’t do it. I know it sounds idiotic but I couldn’t go in there anymore.” The little bit of calm Hen helped him find was gone again in an instant at just the thought of being a patient again. “Every time I had an appointment I would get so physically sick from the anxiety. I knew whenever I stepped into that office, I was going to be reminded of the worst time of my life. The visions of all the sadness and agony I went through would come back and I felt like a kid again. Like I was helpless. So I stopped going. I know it’s stupid and I hear it all the time from my parents but you don’t know what it’s like. How terrifying it is.” Eddie and Hen are both holding back tears. Ravi has gotten to the point of hyperventilating and his hands are shaking. He was right though, they have no clue what it is like to go through cancer treatment. Or what it’s like to know there’s a very real possibility you might have to go through it all again. But they both take the time to remind him of what they do know. Eddie, who has some experience with a medically complex kid is the first to speak.

“We don’t know what it’s like, but I know for a fact that we’re not judging you for your choices Rav. Only you know what you went through and the ways it affected your mental health and it’s not our place to criticize you for that. You did what you needed to do, to be ok. So we ignore that and focus on right now ok? What can we do to help you get through this?”

His eyes go wide as he stares back at Eddie, shocked that he got such a supportive response.“Chris is really lucky to have you as a dad. Like really lucky.”

“I do my best, it’s not as bad as cancer but he’s been through a lot. I learned pretty quickly that I can be there with him every step of the way but I don’t truly know what he’s going through. Only he does, so I can’t dictate how he reacts to things. All I can do is help him through them. And that’s what we’re going to do for you Ravi. You’re going to tell us your plan and we’ll help you through it.”

“But what if I don't want to make a plan?” Instead of looking at either of his friends he stares at the wall behind them trying to ground himself. “What if I don’t want to call and make the appointment?”

Hen gets on her knees in front of Ravi and forces him to look at her. “We will support whatever you decide, but as a medical professional, I feel that I have to tell you these are concerning symptoms that combined with your history, should really be checked out. I know it’s scary but we want you to be healthy Ravi.”

“You don’t need to be a medical professional to figure that out Hen.” He lets out a nervous chuckle. “I uh I’m just scared I guess. Scared of what they might find. What this will mean for me, for my life ya know? When it first happened, I was pulled out of school for 2 years, no soccer either. Just hospitals and home. I don’t want that to happen again. It's like everything will be taken away from me again and I don’t want that. I can’t have that happen again. I can’t lose my job and all you guys here. I can’t- I don’t want to lose all my control.”

Hen looks to Eddie, not knowing what else to say. The last thing she wants to do is make Ravi feel worse about his choices right now. Eddie can tell that she wants to tell him that he can be scared but he needs to get checked out anyway. Eddie however knows that’s not what Ravi needs right now. 

“Hey you will never lose any of us ok? We will be right there by your side, no matter what. Also nothing is official yet. There is still a very real chance that this could be nothing. Obviously you aren’t ready to call the doctor just yet and that's ok. It's ok if you think about it for a few days before coming to your decision. I wouldn’t recommend it because you’ll be worrying either way, but if that is what you decide then that’s what we’ll do. We’re not here to take control, we just want to support you.”

“So I can wait to call? You’re not going to judge me if I don’t go right away?”

“You said it yourself kid, we don’t know what you went through. So we don’t get to judge your choice.” Hearing this, Ravi breathes a shaky sigh of relief.

“I-i don’t want to call in the morning. Not yet at least. I want to wait a few days to see if the symptoms subside.”

“Ok that's fine, like I said we will not judge your decision. However You need to understand that there are stipulations that come with waiting. You need to let us know if things get worse so we can make sure we’re helping you in the best way we can.”

Hen adds on to what Eddie started. “You also need to tell Bobby. No one else has to know if you don’t want them to, but Bobby is your captain and you need to keep him updated on serious issues like this.”

“O-ok I can do that. Can you guys please not tell anyone? It’s just not everyone knows about the cancer thing and I don’t want them to. I can’t stand the pity looks people give you when they find out.”

“Of course Ravi. That’s your place to tell people, not ours.” Hen squeezes his hand as she says it. 

“Thank you guys, for everything, really you don’t understand how much this means to me.”

“You’re welcome kid! That’s what we’re here for. Now let’s try to get you some sleep before,”

Eddie is cut off by the sound of the alarms going off and the group shares a laugh while they get up and make their way downstairs. Ravi is still scared and still trying to decipher his symptoms, but after his talk with Eddie and Hen he feels lighter. Being able to share his thoughts and fears made him feel like he could breathe again. He won’t stop worrying but at least now he knows he has people in his corner. 

Chapter Text

“Mama I’m too tired, I don’t wanna go to soccer.” Ravi pulls the superhero blanket up to his chin as he nestles back into his bed. Fatigue has been taking over his tiny body for a month now. On top of that, he’s been having nosebleeds a couple times a week and joint pain so bad it makes it hard to move. 

“I know my love. We’re going to take you to the doctors again and hopefully get some medicine to help you feel better.” Ravi’s mom, Priya, sits on the side of his bed, rubbing her hand on his leg underneath the blanket. “So come on, let’s get you up and dressed and we’ll get going.”

Ravi shifts with a groan. He doesn’t want to go to the doctor again but he also feels terrible. He desperately wants to get back to normal though, so he moves to sit up. He gets out from under the blanket feeling shakey. Ravi plants his feet on the floor attempting to steady himself, but when he goes to stand he immediately falls backwards, passing out as his mom yells his name. He wakes up again pretty quickly and his mom is staring at him with fear etched in every part of her face. She has her hands on his shoulders and he realizes she was trying to shake him awake. 

“Mama what happened.” Seeing his mother like this is causing Ravi to freak out. 

“You just fell back down baby. You scared me!  I’m going to grab your dad and we’ll have him carry you to the car so you don’t have to walk again ok? Everything is going to be fine.” 

Ravi breathes a sigh of relief. Yeah he was scared for a second but his mom said it’ll all be fine and he has no reason to believe that’s not true. Moments later his mom comes back with his dad, Hari, in tow. 

“Hey bud I heard you need a lift to the car!” His dad smiles down at him and he reaches his arms up to him. His dad quickly picks up the 9 year old and when he does Ravi lays his head down on his shoulder, wrapping his arms around his dad’s neck.

The 3 of them make their way to the car, ignoring the fact that Ravi is still in his hot wheels pajamas.His dad gently places him in the back seat and helps the boy get buckled up. His dad closes the door, but he can still hear his parents talking outside the car. 

“I’m scared honey, he just passed out and all he did was stand up.”

“I know there’s definitely something going on. I’m going to head to work but call me and I’ll leave if I need to.”

His mother nods and they share a quick kiss as they separate and Ravi’s mom gets in the driver's seat. 

“Ready to go bud?” She turns around in her seat to smile at her son. 

“Let’s do this!” Ravi smiles back at her and they make their way to the Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles. 

Once Ravi and his mom get to the ER they’re taken back rather quickly after Priya explains all of his symptoms. The first thing they do is take Ravi’s vitals and let him know they’re going to need to put an iv in for fluids and bloodwork. This is the first time the boy has ever gotten an iv and he’s understandably scared. When they say it, he immediately looks over to his mom, his big brown eyes searching for her comfort. 

“Oh honey, it’s ok to be scared, I’ll be right here with you the whole time. It’ll just be a pinch and then you’re done.” She immediately gets up from her chair and moves to his side at the bed, pulling the boy into a hug. 

The nurse chimes in to add words of encouragement. “Your mom is right. It’s just a small poke and then I put some tape on it and then we hook you up to some medicines to make you feel better.” She offers him a genuine smile.

Ravi looks at both of the women, still wearing the same look of fear, but now he holds his arm out to the nurse and grabs his mom’s hand. 

The hours after the IV is placed fly past the Panikkars in a blur of fear, denial and sadness. It didn’t take long for the bloodwork to show that Ravi was severely anemic, coupled with low platelets and high white blood cell counts made for a quick hospital admission. 

There were times when Ravi’s parents were pulled outside of the room he was in, while a nurse sat with him trying her best to distract the boy. What the hospital staff didn’t know was that Ravi was a very smart, perceptive, wise boy. He knew that there was something seriously wrong with him. Multiple doctors are coming in and out of his room constantly, everyone is asking him a million questions, and they’re all giving him looks of pity. He knows he’s not ok and the unknown is becoming more and more terrifying for the boy. Eventually as a nurse is hanging another mystery bag on his IV pole and his parents are being asked to step outside again, he finally breaks. 

Ravi opens his mouth and his words come out in a mixture of yells and cries. “Why is no one telling me what’s going on? There’s so much happening and no one is telling me anything. I’m tired and I don’t feel good and no one will tell me what’s wrong! I just wanna go home.” He sinks back into the hospital bed, exasperated, as he cries and looks around for answers. 

Priya is the first to be by his side, running her fingers through his dark brown curls and planting a kiss on his forehead. Hari is close behind making his way to the opposite side of the bed grabbing Ravi’s hand. 

“I’m sorry kiddo, we should’ve explained more of what’s going on. I know this is so scary and there’s so many people coming in and out, but they’re all here to help make you feel better. Unfortunately we can’t go home yet but hopefully we can soon” 

“But what am I sick with? How are they making me feel better if we don’t know what’s wrong? Why can’t I take the medicine at home?”

The nurse that was hanging another IV bag puts a hand on Hari’s shoulder as she mouths “may I?” To the man, who quickly gives her a nod. 

“I'm not sure if you remember but my name is Dana and I'm your nurse. If you want I can help try to answer some of your questions as best as I can.”

Ravi quickly nods at the young woman, giving her permission to answer all of his many questions. 

The woman takes her time explaining as much as she can to the boy. She tells him about the blood tests and how the platelets and blood bags she hung up on his pole are helping raise those levels. She tells him that they took more blood to put under a microscope to see if there were any bad things in it. She tells him that they’re probably going to need to do some more tests and that’s why he can’t go home just yet. Dana also takes the time to explain that he’s in the very best hospital and that they’re going to do everything they can to help him. She also encouraged his parents to run home and grab some of Ravi’s favorite pjs, toys and blankets so he could feel a little bit more at home. At the end of the conversation she takes the time to make sure Ravi knows she’s speaking directly to him. 

“Ravi, I want you to know that you can ask me any questions at all during this and I will do my best to answer them. I’m here to make sure you feel as comfortable as possible. I know it’s very scary right now and there’s a lot to take in but we’re here to help you.”

At that moment Ravi decided that he wanted Dana to be the one to tell him everything. She took the time to explain everything in a way he would understand and for that he was beyond grateful. He found an adult here other than his parents that he could trust and that was going to get him through this. 

He looks up at her from his bed, and in almost a whisper says, “Thank you.” 

“It’s no problem at all. Now I know the doctor wanted to talk to your parents about some other tests and have them sign boring paperwork. Can we let them go do that and I’ll explain the tests to you?” 

The boy takes a deep breath trying to calm himself. “Yeah ok. We can do that.”

Priya has tears in her eyes and hugs Dana thanking her for helping her son. She knows there’s no amount of thanks to show her appreciation for the woman that took her time to make her son feel safe. The Panikkars leave to room to speak to the doctor and Dana pulls a chair close to Ravi’s bed. 

“I want to start by saying I won’t lie to you. The next 2 tests they want to do are a little scary, but lucky for you, we have super special medicines to make you take a nap so you won’t feel anything while they do them.”

“What kind of tests are they?” 

“Well there’s two, one is called a bone marrow aspirate and the other is called a spinal tap. Now like I said these tests are more scary, do you still want me to explain them?”

“Yes please.”

Dana begins to talk about the bone marrow aspirate first, telling Ravi how after he’s asleep they’ll take a needle and put it into his hip bone so they can see the inside and check it for bad stuff. Then she explains how for the spinal tap, they’ll take a thin needle and put it into his back to get some of the liquid from in there to make sure there’s nothing bad. The boy's eyes go wide as he stares at her taking in every single word. 

“I’m going to be asleep though right? So I won’t feel any of that?” 

“Absolutely. You may feel a little sore when you wake up, but you’ll be asleep for all the scary parts. Also if you do feel sore I can give you medicine through your tube to make you feel better.”

It’s the day after Ravi’s first bone marrow aspiration and spinal tap. He’s been groggy since waking up from the anesthesia and pretty sore like Dana warned him. He has been getting medicine so the pain isn’t as bad and his parents when home while he was asleep to get his favorite stuffed penguin, his comfiest pjs, and his avengers blanket off his bed. Overall Ravi is feeling more comfortable than he has in the last couple days. He’s also able to order his favorite food for breakfast, chocolate chip pancakes with strawberries on the side. He’s still scared but is starting to feel optimistic. That is until Dana comes in with a new doctor, a nice lady who introduces herself as Dr. Fox. Ravi can tell Dana is sad but is trying to put on a smile for him. 

“Hey bud! My friend here is wondering if she can talk to mom and dad for a little and then we’ll all sit down and talk together. Would that be ok?”

When Dana says this the entire vibe of the room shifts. Like a sense of dread creeping over everyone. 

“Yeah that’s ok, you’ll be here for the talk later though?”

“Of course, Buddie. I wouldn’t miss it. While they’re gone though I’d like to take you to the playroom so you could get out of here for a little.”

“A PLAYROOM? Of course I want to go to the playroom!”

Dana does her best to put a smile on her face as she helps Ravi get out of the bed, while still attached to his IV pole. Before they leave she tells Ravi to give his parents a big hug before they make their way down the hall. The boy doesn’t know it yet but within the hour, his life will be completely flipped upside down. Nothing will ever be the same for him. He’s about to be pushed to his limits as he goes into the hardest fight of his life and he’s doing it at only 9 years old. 

Dana is fully aware of all of this, having seen it hundreds of times before, so she plans to do what she does every time this happens to one of her babies. She gives them one last “normal” play session. As normal as she can make it with them being in a hospital. She’s knows it’s not allowed but she lets Ravi stand on the IV pole as she wheels him down the bright, lonely, hallways towards the playroom. They go inside and Ravi’s face begins to radiate joy as he sees all the toys, games, and art supplies at his disposal. 

He pauses when he sees another boy who looks to be around his age setting up a hot wheels track on a table. The boy is rather thin, he has a tube taped to his face with a bear sticker as it feeds its way into his nose. Ravi notices that his iv tubes don’t lead to his arm, instead they’re attached to his chest. He has a smooth bald head and a smile so bright it would radiate joy in any situation. The boy is instantly running over when he sees Ravi. 

“Hi my name is Javier but everyone calls me Javi! What’s your name?”

“My name is Ravi!”

Both boys are wearing matching smiles now. “No way! We almost have the same name! Do you wanna play hot wheels with me?”

“Heck yeah!” 

The boys run over to the table, iv poles in tow, as they resume building Javi’s track. Dana stands in the corner watching the boys as they laugh and play together without a care in the world. At this moment they’re just 2 normal friends playing with cars, not sick kids waiting on tests and meds. Soon the conversation shifts though when Javi asks an innocent question about his new friend. 

“So do you have cancer too? I was wondering since you know, you’re here. That and you have super cool hair.” Javi giggles as he sends another car down the track, crashing into Ravi’s. Dana sees Ravi’s face change as he tries to process the question he was just asked. The boy is putting the pieces together in his head, why he hasn’t felt good, why he’s had to take a bunch of medication, why he has to do all these tests. The only person in his life that he knew had cancer was his grandpa and he died from it, causing the boy to panic. He turns and looks at Dana begging for clarity, from the woman he knows won’t lie to him. Dana tells herself this will be the only time she breaks her rule and lies to the boy. She goes to the table and sits with the them. 

“We don’t know what’s wrong with Ravi just yet. He’s been feeling pretty sick lately so that’s why he’s here hanging out with us. Right now we’re just waiting on some test results.” She runs her hand up and down Ravi’s back in an attempt to comfort the obviously anxious child. 

“Do they think I have cancer?” He stares at Dana and she feels like he can see every thought running through her mind. Javi stopped playing and is looking between Ravi and Dana, knowing that what she says next can completely change how this play date goes. 

“Ravi you know I said I would explain everything I could to you and I wouldn’t lie. The blood tests you had the other day weren’t great and that’s why we had to do the extra tests. Cancer could be causing your symptoms but we’re not sure what it is yet.”

Tears begin to pool in the boy's dark brown eyes as he puts his head down and stares at his hands. Within seconds Javi is pulling his chair closer to Ravi and grabs one of his hands, intertwining their fingers. His once happy bubbly voice, now comes out in a soft calming whisper. 

“It’s scary waiting for tests but it might not be cancer so you have to think positive ok? If you think happy thoughts, happy things happen.”

Ravi lifts his head to look at the boy, who 20 minutes ago was a complete stranger. “But what if it is cancer?”

“Then we fight it together. Me and you. Javi and Ravi, the cancer destroyers, like we’re superheroes.” Javi does his best to sound hopeful for his new friend. He was in the same place 2 months ago and knows that right now, the boy needs a friend to get him through this. Ravi looks up with tear stained cheeks and a shaky voice. 

“I really like the sound of that.” 

“Good! Now we have to pinky swear, that if it is cancer we’ll always be there for each other, no matter what.” He holds up his other hand with his outstretched pinky that Ravi immediately wraps his around without a second thought. 

“I pinky swear! We got this!” His face is still stained with tears but he’s wearing a smile now. The boys go back to playing and Dana does her best to hide the fact that she was also tearing up. Thankfully her phone rings and she uses that as an excuse to leave the boys at the table as she goes to the hall to answer it. Except it wasn’t the call she wanted at all. She comes back into the room and takes in the sight of 2 boys enjoying each other's presence as if their worlds aren’t crumbling around them. 

“Hey Ravs, we gotta head back to the room now. Your parents and the doctors are waiting for you.” She tries to smile, but Ravi's somber face makes it hard. He immediately starts breathing faster and she can tell he’s about to cry. Before she can say something Javi jumps in. 

“Hey it’s ok! Remember, we pinky sweared. We’ll do it all together, no matter what.” He hugs his friend as tears spill down both of their cheeks. “I’m in room 304 if you need me.” 

Ravi returns the hug not wanting to let go, but knowing he has too. “I know, it's you and me. Maybe you could come visit later, I’m in 311.” The boys stay in their hug for a little longer before separating, as Ravi stands to face Dana. He grabs her hand, waves goodbye to his new best friend, and they leave the safety of the playroom. 

The walk feels like it takes hours, when in reality it wasn’t more than a minute. The door to his room is closed and the stop in front of the door, as Dana looks down at the boy. 

“You ready to go in?”

The boy closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He looks up to Dana and says “I can do this. I’m ready.” As he twists the doorknob and walks into room 311.

Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia.

Ravi has Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. 

Ravi was just a normal 9 year old boy that loves superhero comics, playing soccer, and cooking with his mom. Now he has leukemia cells floating throughout his tiny body, leaving destruction wherever it goes. 

He sat in the bed as Dr. Fox explained to him what ALL is and how its effecting his body. She talked about the treatments he’ll have to do and the ongoing tests he’ll be getting. She talked about the long list of side effects he might get. She used big words that Dana had to explain better for him like chemotherapy and immunotherapy. She talked about how he won’t be able to go to school, or play soccer with his friends for a while. She also told him that the cancer he has, has a survival rate of 90%. She reminded him that he was in one of the best hospitals in the country for treating cancer. She told him that they will do absolutely everything they can to make sure he gets to live a long happy life. Unfortunately he didn’t hear anything good that she said, the only thing that kept playing in his head was 

“I’m sorry Ravi, but you have a type of cancer called leukemia.” 

“You can’t go to school right now.”

“No, I'm sorry but you can’t be on the soccer team anymore.”

“You’ll have surgery to put something called a port in your chest for the medicines we have to give you.”

Ravi cried hard, letting the sobs shake him to his core, as his mom held him, tears also streaming down her face. His dad held a hand on his leg and his other on Ravi’s back. He cried so hard words wouldn’t come out even though he had a million questions. All while his mother kept whispering to him.

“You are the bravest of the brave and the strongest of the strong my love. Never forget this.”

 After a while the tears stopped flowing as the adults kept talking. His head laid on his moms chest, his eyes fixated on a corner of the room. Every scary thing the doctor said cycling through his head on a loop. An endless loop telling him how bad this is and how much worse it’s going to get. He shut everything else out and stared at the wall for what felt like hours, not moving until his mother had to get up to sign more paperwork with his father. Even then he kept his eyes fixated on the same corner of the room. People continued to file in and out of the room but Ravi’s gaze never shifted from that spot. The trance holds him until he hears a soft knock on the door and he hears his mom say come in, both of them thinking it’s another doctor coming to ask questions. Instead A woman, who Ravi assumes is Javi’s mom comes in with him. She goes to introduce herself to Priya and Hari. Priya didn’t know it yet, but Celia will be to her, what Javi is to Ravi. Javi walks in and sees Ravi in bed, his eyes red and puffy, face filled with fear and he quickly makes his way over to crawl in bed next to his friend. He gets under the blanket with Ravi and wraps his arm around him, the other boy instinctively lays his head on his shoulder. 

“It’s going to be ok Ravi. We’re gonna do it all together. I pinky swear.”

Chapter Text

It’s been 2 ½ weeks since his talk with Eddie and Hen and Ravi feels like he’s been doing great. He hasn't had a nosebleed or random bruising and the night sweats haven’t been as bad. At least that’s what he’s telling the others. The only concerning symptom he has right now is joint pain but he attributes it to working out harder. That doesn’t stop his friends from constantly checking in on him. They’ve made a separate group chat with just the 3 of them and Bobby, so Ravi can update all of them. 

ALL Chat (they chose the name because no one else knew what the ALL stood for)

Bobby: Any updates rav? How are you feeling?

Ravi: All good, just sore but I think it’s just from the gym😊

Hen: Have you thought anymore about reaching out to the doctor? I still think it would be a good idea to just update them. 

Ravi: it’s not necessary! Really, I’m fine. The symptoms were probably just a weird fluke. 

Hen: 🙄🙄🙄

Private message between Bobby, Hen, and Eddie

Eddie: I don't want to stress him out but we’re still concerned right?? Stuff like that isn’t a fluke

Hen: Absolutely still concerned. I’m scared the symptoms are going to come back and be 10x worse. 

Bobby: There’s nothing we can do except keep an eye on him. Eddie maybe you can give him some gentle suggestions again. 

Eddie: I’ll try but he wasn’t very receptive last time. Swept it under the rug immediately 

Hen: Just let us know how it goes

Eddie: will do! I’ll talk to him tonight after dinner at the station.

Bobby:👍

Buck and Eddie pull up to the station, Buck parking the jeep in their usual spot. Buck looks over to the passenger side giving Eddie a huge grin. He grabs his boyfriend’s face, pulling him into a deep kiss. When Eddie finally pulls away he’s wearing a grin that matches Buck’s. The two men do their best to not show too much affection at work, so they try to take the time to appreciate each other in the car. They meet up with the other members of A-shift as they make their way into the locker room, all changing into their uniforms to get ready for the 12 hour shift ahead of them. 

Buck looks around the locker room trying to find the youngest member of the team. “Has anyone seen Ravi? He’s not usually late.”

“I haven’t seen him. Maybe he’s already upstairs.” Chim offers with a shrug. 

“Yeah you’re probably right.” Buck brushes off his worry, knowing that, chimney is probably right and Ravi is already upstairs. 

A few minutes after their quick discussion, Ravi barrels into the locker room looking like he's run a marathon. He’s wearing jeans and a wrinkled shirt, with his hair a complete mess of knots and dark curls. There’s dark circles under his eyes, and a look of pain etched on his face. He’s holding a half folded uniform in his hands and rushes to strip his clothes off and change. 

“Woah ravs slow down, you’re here, there’s no need to rush dude.” Chim tries to tell the younger man. He walks towards him and puts a hand on his shoulder causing Ravi to jump back in surprise. 

“Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you like that. You ok man?”

“Y-yeah sorry, I just didn’t sleep well and I’m not feeling great. I’ll be fine though.” He plasters on a fake smile that not a single person believes. Hen and Eddie immediately exchange worried looks between each other. 

“You sure you ok Ravi? We won’t be offended if you need to take a day.” Hen offers, hoping he takes it as one of her gentle reminders that he should see a doctor. 

Ravi already has his work pants and shoes on and is quickly throwing his shirt over his tank top. “I said I’m fine! I just didn’t sleep well!” He responds angrily. He walks out of the locker room before buttoning his shirt, leaving everyone shocked that he raised his voice at Hen. 

“What the fuck was that?” Buck says as they all look around at each other. 

“I don’t know but I’m going to find out.” Eddie says as he’s leaving the locker room. He knows Ravi is going through some stuff but that doesn’t give him an excuse to be rude. Before Eddie can find him though, the bell rings and he’s forced to put the conversation on the back burner. 

The call was for a small kitchen fire that they were able to get under control pretty quickly and within 2 hours they’re back at the station, getting ready for a late dinner together. Eddie, Hen and Chimney are sitting at the table while Bobby and Buck are bringing food over from the kitchen. Ravi is grabbing cups and making his way to the table as well. 

Ravi hasn’t yet put the cups down when he starts to feel extremely dizzy and lightheaded. He stops walking as he tries to steady himself. Buck notices and stands up from his chair. 

“Ravs you good?” Everyone at the table turns their heads to look at the young man concerned at how pale he’s turned. Ravi is still doing his best to keep himself upright but it wasn’t enough. Ravi drops the cups as he passes out. Buck, who was already moving towards him, is able to catch him before he hits the ground. 

“Come on Ravs. Ahh there we go.” Ravi wakes up to the pungent scent of smelling salts under his nose. “You gave us quite the scare, kid” chimney says to him. He tries to take in his surroundings and figure out what happened. He realizes he’s on the floor, propped up against Buck, wondering how he got there and why his head hurts so much. 

“What happened?” 

Buck answers from behind him. “You passed out dude. Thank god I was close enough to catch you before you made it to the floor.”

“P-passed out? What the hell?” Ravi’s doing his best to keep his cool but on the inside he’s freaking out. His mind is immediately clouded with thoughts of relapse again. He quickly scans the room looking for Hen to try and read her expression. He quickly finds her and sees how scared she looks too. 

“Ravi, I think it’s time you called your doctor.” She says in a gentle voice. He does his best to hold back tears because he knows he can’t avoid it now. 

“Y-yeah I think so.” He sits up so he’s not leaning on Buck anymore as he rubs his hands over his face. Bobby makes his way over to his side to put a hand on his shoulder. 

“Kid, I know you don’t want to hear this right now, but I can’t have you working again until I get a doctor's note saying you’re ok. I don’t want you getting hurt on the job.”

Ravi just nods knowing that if he tries to speak right now he would burst into tears. 

“Hey cap is it ok if I drive Ravi home? I can come back right after.” Buck asks knowing it isn’t a good idea for Ravi to drive himself. 

“You ok with that Rav? You don’t have a choice in someone driving you but you do have a choice in who does it.” 

“Yeah I’m cool with Buck taking me.” His first thought is that if Buck drives him he doesn’t have to talk about the symptoms like he would if it was Hen or Eddie. He works on trying to stand up, Buck and Eddie right behind him just in case. He grabs Buck’s arm when he's finally upright, feeling a bit lightheaded again. 

“Is it ok if we head out now?” He looks at Buck. 

“Of course. I’ll get you in the car and then I’ll grab your stuff out of your locker.” He gives Ravi a soft smile and helps him down the stairs as everyone gives him well wishes. 

Ravi sits in the passenger seat with his head leaning back trying his best to stay awake. He didn’t want to worry the ALL chat, so he hasn’t updated them with how he’s actually been feeling. He’s recently started getting nosebleeds again and has been sweating through his clothes every night. That’s on top of the joint pain that keeps him up half the night as well. Of course he can add passing out to the mix now too. He just wants to go home and go to bed.

“Hey Ravs can I ask you a personal question?” Buck gives him a quick glance. 

God I’m way too tired for this. 

“Uh sure.” Ravi is very confused now as to what he could possibly ask. 

“Why didn’t you tell all of us about your diagnosis as a kid?”

Ravi had no clue what Buck would’ve asked but he never thought that would be the question. Immediately he grows angry at the thought of his secret getting thrown around without his knowledge. 

“I can’t believe Eddie fucking told you. I told him I didn’t—“ 

“No Ravi he didn’t I swear! I saw his phone go off while he was showering and it was Hen in the ALL chat saying she compiled a list of adult oncologists since you’re too old for the pediatric one you had. I know what ALL is so it just put 2 and 2 together. I'm so so sorry I overstepped. We don’t have to talk about it anymore and I won’t tell anyone else I swear.”

“We’re going to come back to you snooping in conversations you weren’t supposed to be a part of but I need to know how you know what ALL is?”

“I guess I never realized you weren’t there when it all went down but a couple years ago I found out I had an older brother that died from ALL. His name was Daniel.”

“Fuck I’m so sorry Buck, that’s horrible. How the hell did you only find out about this recently though?”

“Because when he died my parents got rid of any evidence of him, we moved houses and they told Maddie she wasn’t allowed to talk about him. I was a baby so I never remembered him being there. Then my parents resented me for the rest of my life.”

Ravi is staring at Buck, eyes wide with shock. “What the actual fuck? Wait why would they res-“ the gears began to turn in Ravi’s head as he realized why the Buckley parents would be mad at Buck’s existence. He stares at Buck shaking his head, on the verge of tears. “No, no, no Buck they didn’t. Did they?”

Buck chuckles because that’s all he can do to keep himself from crying once again about the situation. “You mean have me, solely to save their other son and then hate me when it didn’t work? Yup they did.”

Ravi looks absolutely horrified at Buck's admission. He’s had so many friends die during his time on treatment and never once did any of their families blame their siblings. Even the kids that he knew had bone marrow transplants specifically with sibling donors. “Oh my God if I ever meet your parents it’s on sight. I’m going to fuck them up.  Holding something like that over a child’s head is disgusting. I’m so sorry they did that to you Buck.”

“Yeah you gotta get in line, I think Eddie, Bobby, Hen, Chimney and Athena all have first dibs. For real though Ravi, why wouldn’t you tell us?” They stop at a red light and Buck looks over with a hurt expression. “Do you think we would treat you differently?”

Ravi nervously runs his hands through his hair. “I don’t know. Everyone always gives you these looks of pity when you tell them, like you’re going to break at any moment. And then of course the cancer overshadows anything else you do. People make it your personality even though you don’t want it to be. It’s like I’d go from being Ravi Panikkar, the firefighter that loves cooking and frisbee golf and hanging out with his friends, to Ravi Panikkar the guy that had cancer when he was a kid. I’m so much more than my cancer diagnosis and people don’t treat you like that when they find out.”

“Jesus Ravi I’m sorry. That really fucking sucks.”

“It does and that’s why I didn’t want everyone to know. Eddie and Hen only knew because I started having symptoms of a relapse and I needed advice. Bobby knows too but that’s only because I had to tell when I joined the team. The group chat only started as a way for them to make sure I was ok health wise. I know you and Eddie are together and you were bound to find out but it still sucks that you found out without me being the one to tell you.” Buck can tell Ravi is overwhelmingly hurt right now by what he did, but at the same time he knows there’s nothing he can do to make up for it. He pulls into the parking lot of Ravi’s apartment building and parks the car, shifting his body to face the younger man. 

Bucks begins speaking in a soft yet scared tone. “You think you’re relapsing?”

Tears begin to fill Ravi’s eyes as he looks down at his hands. He knows that if he faces Buck right now he wouldn’t be able to hold back the flood of emotions. “For the past month, symptoms have been coming and going. The nosebleeds, bruises, night sweats and now passing out. I’m being a coward though and not going to the doctor cause I’m scared of what they’ll say.”

“I’m so so sorry that I looked at messages I wasn’t supposed to. I’m sorry I took the option of telling me away from you. I know that there’s nothing I can do to make up for what I did, but I hope you would still let me be there for you. If you are relapsing I want to be right by your side. I really care about you Rav.” Buck does his best to make sure Ravi knows that he’s being genuinely honest with him. 

Ravi lets out a deep sigh as he looks over at Buck. “Of course I would still let you be there for me dummy.” He smiles at Buck who breathes a sigh of relief. “I accept your apology, just try not to find out anymore of my secrets.”

Instinctively Buck holds out his pinky finger, something him and Maddie always did with each other. He has no clue how important this act is to the other man. “I pinky swear I won’t do it again.”

Ravi quickly blinks away the tears beginning to form in his eyes and wraps his finger around Bucks. 

“I’m being serious Rav. I wasn’t able to be there for my older brother, so I want to be there for my younger one. Anything you need and I’ll be there.” The way Buck is looking at him tells Ravi that he’s being 100% genuine and he doesn’t know how much that means to him. 

“Thanks Buck, I really appreciate it.” He reaches over the center console, unexpectedly pulling his friend into a hug. Buck quickly returns the hug and they both hold on a little longer than usual.

“Ill let you get back to the station, but again thank you.”

”You’re welcome kid. Ill walk you up first though. Gotta make sure you get up safe.” Buck gives him a warm smile and then jumps out of the car.

Buck leaves Ravi in the apartment after making sure he had everything he needed within arms reach on the couch. The younger man had to laugh at how motherly his friend was acting.

”Buck, I will be ok. You don’t have to get everything for me.”

”Not everything. I just wanted to make sure you had water and snacks and something to do in case you get tired of tv and a phone charger because duh.”

”So everything?” Ravi laughed again. He realizes he hasn't laughed like this in awhile and it makes him even more appreciative of buck. 

Buck brushes him off but joins in on the laughing. They exchange their goodbyes and Buck makes his way back to the station. Once hes gone the smiles and laughter he brought with him fades, as Ravi is left alone with his thoughts.

I cant keep making excuses. I have to call. Hen made me an entire list of doctors, all i have to do is pick one. You can do this Ravi. 

You are the bravest of the brave and the strongest of the strong

His mothers words echo in his head as a reminder that he can do hard things. In fact he did the hardest things already. He begins to take deep breaths and keeps reciting the words like a mantra. He picks his phone up but instead of making the call, he tells himself he should probably update the group chat first. He absolutely doesn’t do this to avoid calling the doctor about his scarily uncertain future and he's not acting like a menace to take his mind off of everything. He does tell himself that he deserves to laugh like he used to though and Buck reminded him of that. 

ALL Chat 

Ravi added Buck to the chat

Eddie: Oh God what did he do? Why is buck in the chat now?

Buck: Thank you my love. I’m glad to see you here too. 🙄❤️

Ravi: Ya man snooped in your phone and saw the chat lol. Then we talked in the car and Since he knows now i figured we’d just add him. 

Hen: 😮😮😮 … Buck you didn’t 

Bobby: Buck, come on ☹️

Eddie: WTF BUCK????? 

Buck: I DIDNT SNOOP YOUR PHONE WENT OFF WHILE YOU WERE IN THE SHOWER AND IT WAS  HEN TALKING ABOUT ONCOLOGISTS AND I GOT CONCERNED 

Buck: I DID IT OUT OF CONCERN!!!! NOT TO BE NOSY I SWEAR 😭😭😭😭

Ravi: whatever you say snoop dog

Eddie changed Buck’s name to Snoop Dog

Hen: CTFUUUUUU 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Bobby: Snoop dog is a very funny name for a snoopy man. I feel like you walked right into this one snoop.

Snoop Dog: IM NOT SNOOP DOG

Snoop Dog: CONCERNED. I WAS CONCERNED 

Eddie: Yeah, ok snoop 

At this point, Ravi realizes the entire 118 is in the chat except Chim and decides to add him in as well. He did see Ravi faint and has to be wondering why Eddie and Hen are probably laughing hysterically. He figures he doesn’t usually get to have fun talking about cancer but sometimes the cancer card is pulled and you have to have a good time with it. Also he doesn’t have to call the doctor if he's updating Chimney. 

Ravi’s ALL Fucked Up Chat

Ravi changed the name of the group

Ravi added Chim to the Group

Ravi: Yo chim i had cancer as a kid and we lowkey think im relapsing 😔 #bigsad

Eddie: JESUS RAVI 

Snoop Dog: goddamn you cant ease the man into it????

Ravi: like you eased into ya mans text messages?

Hen, Eddie and Bobby laugh react to Ravi’s message

Snoop Dog disliked Ravi’s message

Hen: RAVI WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK??????

Bobby: Oh Ravi. That’s definitely one way to tell someone😦

Chim: What the hell is going on???? Are you serious? Is that why you fainted????

Chim: omg you’ve been having nosebleeds too

Chim: have you gone to the doctor yet? What did they say????

Chim: also less important question but is snoop dog buck?

Once chimney asks about going to the doctor, everything seemed a lot less fun. The smile fades from Ravi’s face and his sass goes along with it. He realizes hes right back where he started, staring at his phone, willing himself to make the call. He lets it keep buzzing with texts from the group chat as he sits back on the couch and stares at the ceiling. as he begins talking out loud to himself.

”Come on Ravi, you just threw your cancer bombshell at chim with an emoji and you cant make a damn phone call.” 

He stares back down at the phone and picks it up to send one more message that he knows he wont get a response to. As much as he wishes a reply would come, it’s impossible and he knows that. He knows Javi was always the person that made him feel brave when they were younger. So in a last ditch effort, even though he knows  a response will never come, he texts him hoping he can gather that bravery again.

Ravi: Hey Javs, I know it's been a while since you heard from me but I was hoping you could give me some advice right now. I think I might be relapsing and im really fucking scared dude. Maybe I don’t need advice but encouragement? I have to make THAT call and I don’t wanna do it. Idk if its worth it. Either way I miss you man, hope you’re doing great. 

After he hits send he shuts the ringer off on his phone and sets it on the coffee table. He decides before he makes any decisions, he's going to take a nap because the exhaustion is hitting him hard, and his eyelids are starting to droop. 

No matter what happens, he tells himself he's making the call when he wakes. 

Turns out Ravi was a lot more tired than expected because he ended up sleeping until the next morning. He only realized when he woke up to over 30 missed calls and a birage of texts on the group chat asking if he’s ok. However he also sees his car keys and a note on the coffee table. 

Used the spare key you gave us when you didn’t text anyone back. Figured you could use the sleep so we didn’t want to wake you. Text us when you wake up! 

-Eddie and Snoop 

Ravi begins to laugh, remembering the conversation from before. Through his laugh he unlocks his phone and jumps to the formally named ALL chat. Of course using it as another opportunity to menace a little bit more. 

Ravi’s ALL Fucked Up chat 

Ravi: yo I’m not dead ✌️

Hen: I mean I would hope not😭

Eddie: A simple “hey just woke up!” Would have sufficed.

Bobby: we’re glad you’re alive but please just say you’re awake next time🙂

Ravi: I do what I want

Ravi: I’m sorry cap that was for everyone else. I wouldn’t disrespect you like that. Pls don’t be mad. 

Bobby laugh reacted to Ravi’s message 

Hen and Eddie disliked a message 

Eddie: that’s fine I just won’t check on you next time🙄

Ravi: slay we love that

Ravi: jk Eddie I love you🫶🏾 even though you’re dating a nosy ass man

Snoop Dog: I DIDNT EVEN DO ANYTHING THIS TIME

Eddie, Hen, and Bobby laugh reacted to Ravi’s message

Chim: SO BUCK IS SNOOP DOG. 

Chim: THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!

Ravi: bro I was knocked tf out for 14 hours. It took you this long to figure that out?

Hen: You can't blame him Ravi, the rebar really did some damage, he was never the same after😔

Ravi: damn my bad bro, rip to the brain cells lost to the rebar 🙏🏾🪦

Eddie: fly high brain cells🪽 🙏🏽 you will be missed dearly 

Chim: haha you’re so funny 🙄

Ravi: damn straight 😌

Ravi sets his phone back down and finally decides to pull out his laptop and start researching all the oncologists that Hen sent to him. If he has to call one of them he wants to make sure it’s a good one. 

An hour goes by and he finally decides on one Dr. Jeremiah Stephens. He’s known for his work in leukemia and lymphoma research and patients seem to really like him. He stares at the screen of his laptop and just continues to re-read everything bit of information he can find on Dr. Stephens . He knows this is who he would like to see but he keeps reading. Ravi realizes he keeps rereading because he's looking for something, anything wrong with this man so he can use it as an excuse to not call. He begins to get frustrated with himself for not just picking up his phone right now. There’s nothing stopping him except himself. 

“Fuck why am i making this so hard? It’s a fucking phone call.” His anger at itself is growing but not enough to overcome the ocean of anxiety he is drowning in.

He stands up with his phone and starts pacing his living room, running his fingers through his hair. He unlocks his phone and calls someone he knows will answer. 

“Hey Ravs! What’s going on?”

”Hey Buck, are you busy right now?” He sounds much more frantic than expected but he really just needs someone with him right now. 

”Not at all. Is everything ok?” He hears Buck start moving and can make out the sound of keys jingling. 

“Im ok I just, I need someone to be with me right now. I decided on an oncologist and i'm going to call but I don't know ugh it's stupid.”

”Ravi its not stupid ill be there in 15 minutes, just try to stay calm and we can call together when I get there ok? You’re going to be ok Ravs”

”Yeah ok. I'll see you soon” he hangs up the phone and starts pacing again. He tries not to go completely off the rails before Buck gets there. Ravi thinks about all the times he’s recently broken down around his friends and he would like to avoid adding another one to that list. Thankfully he's able to accomplish that and just like he said, Buck is knocking on his door within 15 minutes. Ravi quickly opens the door and is surprised to see not only Buck but Maddie as well. Quickly picking up on the confusion Buck begins to explain. 

“I'm going to start by saying i didn't tell her anything at all. We were having coffee together when you called and I thought she might be able to help with the situation.” 

Maddie adds on to Buck's statement “he's not lying I Really don’t know what i'm here for but if you aren’t comfortable with me being here I can absolutely leave. I won't be offended.” Maddie gives Ravi a soft smile that Ravi can't help but return. 

“No you don’t have to leave. I think Buck was actually right for once. I think you could really help.”

Buck rolls his eyes as Ravi gestures for them to come in. 

Ravi takes the time to fill Maddie in on everything, watching as she continuously wipes tears from her eyes. Occasionally, she would close her eyes and Ravi knows that she’s having flashbacks to her childhood and watching her brother being taken away from her. Cancer is a Beast that obviously affects the patient the most, but it also damages the people around them. Maddie lived a normal life right up until Daniel was diagnosed. She was only 5 when Daniel got sick and struggled to understand why her parents and brother were never home. Why she always had to stay with her grandparents or family friends. Why Daniel was always too sick to play with her anymore. She may not know how it felt to have a port accessed or have toxins pumped throughout her body, but she had to watch as it slowly and cruelly chipped away at her brother. And eventually she had to watch helplessly as it took his life. That paired with what her parents did after his death was enough trauma to last a lifetime, all crammed into her first 9 years of life. 

“Ravi i know you probably heard it a million times but i'm so sorry you have to go through this. When Daniel relapsed he said it was worse than the first time because he knew what it meant. He knew what he was going to have to do.”

“I think that's what's scaring me the most. That I know what's coming if this is real. I know the pain and the trauma that is waiting for me if I am relapsing.” 

Ravi and Maddie are both crying by now as Buck sits in the armchair across from the couch they’re on. His teeth are digging into his bottom lip as he tries to take everything in that they’re saying. Buck’s trauma surrounding Daniel is much different than Maddie’s but still exists. Hearing all of this reminds him that he was never wanted and the one reason he was put on this earth, he failed. He never saw what either Ravi or Daniel went through but he knew he wasn’t enough to save one of them and he can only hope to help the other. For now though, he just listens.

“I don’t blame you at all for being terrified. God, I remember those days so vividly. The testing and waiting and hoping, it breaks you down. I watched as all the light was ripped away from Daniel and he became a shell of himself.” She uses her sleeve to wipe away at the tears in her eyes. “ i'm so sorry if i'm making it worse by saying this, its just I want you to know that I’ve seen it before and your feelings are so valid, Ravi.” Her voice cracks at her last words as she lets out a small sob. 

“ No, please don’t apologize. It’s actually kinda nice that someone understands what i'm saying. Like the station has been supportive of my decisions but its different when someone has seen the real life affects.” He reaches out and grabs Maddie’s hand in an effort to be comforting and she clings to it like a lifeline. Ravi sniffles and then continues to talk. 

“I know the same moment that I really lost myself during treatment. I-uh i spent my 10th birthday in the hospital with a fever and as you know a fever while having a port is an immediate admission.” Maddie nods along knowing the same thing happened to her brother on multiple occasions. “I ended up staying inpatient for 22 days straight. I don’t remember what sickness I had but god it was fucking terrible. I couldn't stop throwing up, and my entire body was aching. I just remember sobbing because I felt like I would never get relief. I never told anybody this but that night instead of praying to get through the cancer,” he closes his eyes tightly as he uses his other hand to his tears. ‘I prayed for it to kill me so I could finally feel peace. So that the pain would stop.” He lets out a deep sob and Maddie pulls him into a hug. Buck is on his feet in seconds as he runs to Ravi’s other side joining Maddie in the hug. He wraps his arms around Ravi and feels the man’s body shaking more and more with every sob.

“I can't do this again. I can't do it.” He sobs grow louder.

Buck begins to speak in a shaky voice, doing his best to hold it together for Ravi. “I know I know it's hard but if you do have to go through it again, we will be with you every step of the way ravs. You will never be alone. We will help you through those days that feel impossible. We can't take your pain away but will hold your hand through it all.” He pauses, trying to take deep breaths to keep himself from breaking. Buck tells himself he needs to be strong for Ravi, for Maddie, right now so fights back tears as he continues to talk to Ravi. 

“God Ravs you are so strong, so fucking strong. You will get through this.” He just keeps repeating this over and over while he holds the man hoping that and praying that this isn’t a relapse.

Time goes by and the Buckley siblings finally get Ravi to calm down. He’s currently sitting on the couch with his knees pulled to his chest as he stares at the wall in an almost catatonic state. He only looks away when Buck puts a hand on his back as he offers him a cup of hot tea. 

“How about you drink some of this to feel a little better? Maddie is in the kitchen throwing together some sort of soup for dinner too so you don’t have to worry about that.” 

Ravis mind is still racing and he ends up ignoring most of what Buck says. Instead he speaks in a flat monotone. 

“I still need to call. I need to do it today.”

”Ravi, today was a lot maybe w-“

”No. Today. I need to call today.” Maddie was right when she said the waiting was one of the worst things. The fear and anxiety and pessimistic thoughts eat away at you until you're left with nothing and Ravi cant wait any longer. 

“Please can we just do it now?” 

Buck wants to be supportive of Ravi’s decision but panic is settling in the pit of his stomach. He’s scared that calling today is going to overwhelm Ravi even more and Ravi sees this all playing out on his face. 

“Please Buck, can we get Maddie and make the call?”

As much as he doesn’t want to he just nods his head and grabs Maddie from the kitchen. Each of them sitting on either side of Ravi. Maddie’s fingers are intertwined in Ravi’s and Buck has an arm wrapped around his shoulder. He pulls out his phone and dials the number, putting the phone on speaker. 

“Thank you for calling the office of Dr. Jeremiah Stephens! How can I help you today?”

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. 

“Hi my name is Ravi Panikkar and i need to make an appointment.”

Chapter Text

The day after Ravi was diagnosed he was wheeled back to a cold operating room. He was told what a port is and how it works by Dana but the entire process terrified him. He’s never had surgery before and he had no clue what to expect. His parents could only go with him so far and after that he was alone with people he didn’t know. They were all nice but they were still strangers. When they got to the room someone came over to hook up his IV to another pole as another woman showed him the mask they would put on his face. 

“So we’re going to put this over your nose and mouth but you’ll still be able to breathe. We’re going to put some medicine through it that smells like strawberries and that will help you relax so you’re not too scared.”

He smiles at the woman, thinking it would be nice to be able to calm down. 

“Now after the strawberry smell, we have to put in one that smells kinda icky but that one is going to help you fall asleep so we can put your port in. Then you sleep through the whole thing so you don’t feel anything. Does that sound good to you?”  

“Yeah that sounds good” He’s just grateful that he won’t feel anything. 

She helps him get settled on the bed and under a blanket before she grabs the mask. Gently placing it on Ravi’s face. 

“Ok honey, I’m going to need you to take some big breaths. As big as you can.”

Ravi listens and begins to take deep breaths as a sweet smelling gas fills the mask around his face. He already feels like his body is tingling and he thinks about how funny of a feeling it is. In a moment's notice the gas changes and Ravi makes a sour face at the smell. He’s breathing in something that smells like the paint his dad used to redecorate his room. The smell makes him feels sick but it passes quicker than he could process. His eyes begin to feel heavy and he knows he’s about to fall asleep. A few more breaths and the boy is completely asleep. 

Ravi begins to move, slowly stretching his legs as he stirs awake. He tries to stretch his arms but is immediately hit with pain radiating through his right shoulder. He’s barely awake but is moved to tears by the ache. He blinks his eyes open and sees his mom rushing to the side of his bed.

”Hi my L-“ she pauses when she realizes the boy is crying. “ Honey, what's wrong?”

Through his weeps he tries to get his words out. Hari picks up what's going on before the boy speaks and makes his way out of the room to find a nurse. 

“It hurts mama, my shoulder.” He reaches up to try to rub where the pain is but his hand feels plastic and the top of the needle, already in his accessed port. When his hand makes contact it sends another wave of pain through his chest and shoulder, causing him to cry out again. 

“Ok ok, just try to stay calm ok? Dad went to get a nurse and we’ll see if we can get you some medicine for the pain.” Priya rubs her hands through Ravi’s dark curls trying to keep him as calm as possible without hurting him more. Soon enough, Hari is walking back into the room with a nurse named Justin who has some remedies in his hands. 

“Hey little dude! I heard you're not feeling too great.” He quickly grabs his line and is sending a saline flush through it that Ravi immediately tastes in the back of his mouth. His face twists in disgust at the taste but it disappears as quickly as it appeared. “I'm going to put some medicines in your tube and hopefully you’ll start feeling better.” 

Ravi is still in tears and can't get words out but nods his head in agreement with Justin. He watches as another syringe is twisted into the end of his line and Justin pushes the liquid out of it. 

“Now while we wait for that to kick in we’re going to put this on your shoulder. Now to make this work I have to show you some magic.” 

He holds up a plastic bag that says cold pack and Ravi looks very confused as to how this is going to be a magic trick. He goes along with it though because it's not like he has anything better to do. 

“Alright little dude. I need you to feel the bag and notice that it is indeed, not cold right now.” He hands the bag to Ravi and with his left hand only he feels the bag. He notices something in the middle that feels like liquid but it isn’t cold. 

“I-its not c-cold.” He cries. 

“Not yet! Now watch this.” Justin waves the bag around and then squeezes it with a pop. “Now feel the cold.” He gently places the ice pack that is now freezing on Ravi’s right shoulder, providing quick relief to his pain. Ravis eyes widened at the cold hitting his shoulder and the fact that the bag was not this cold 20 seconds ago. 

Priya smiles knowing Justin just went out of his way to distract Ravi from the pain that was racking his body. She makes a mental note to drop off some treats to him the same way she did for Dana. 

“How did you do that?” He’s looking up at Justin with bewilderment and wonder in his eyes. The pain starts to subside into a dull ache with the combination of meds, ice and magic tricks. 

“A magician never reveals his secrets!” He says dramatically, causing Ravi to giggle. “Now hows the pain? Can I get anything else for you?”

”It still hurts but not as bad. I'm really hungry though.” The boy hasn't eaten since dinner yesterday because of the operation and its going on 2pm

“Unfortunately you're probably going to be sore for a little bit, while you heal but we’ll keep up with your meds and ice packs so it isn’t too bad. As far as food, we’ll start you off with some small snacks and then work up to a full meal for dinner. Sometimes people's tummies can act funny after surgery so we don’t want to overload you right now.”

Ravi frowns thinking about how uncomfortable he’s going to be for the next few days and how hungry he is right now. All he can have right now is graham crackers and apple juice until dinner later and he’s turning into quite the grumpy child. However he knows that being mean to others isn’t going to fix anything going on. He nods to Justin as he quickly eats the Graham crackers, drinks his juice and tries to go back to sleep until he could eat later. 

The next day is Ravi’s very first Chemo treatment. It goes well at first, he thinks its not too bad while it’s going through his tubes. He’s still able to build one of the Lego sets his cousins dropped off to him. That quickly changes about an hour into the transfusion. He was given preliminary nausea meds and a scopolamine patch behind his ear to hopefully keep the feeling at bay, but unfortunately it still hit him like a truck. He starts breathing deeply and Priya quickly grabs a pink hospital bin holding it to his face to catch the vomit.  The heaving sends the boy into sobs, not only can he not stop throwing up but the movement is causing his chest and shoulder to hurt more. 

His parents watch knowing there’s not much they can do to help him. They can hold the bucket, rub his back, and try to distract him but they can’t take away the pain he’s feeling. 

Ravi has officially finished the first part of his treatment plan . Induction chemo sucked. That is the best way he could describe it. After he was diagnosed, he didn’t leave the hospital for 4 weeks straight. A whole month without his house, his bed, his toys, his comforts. On top of everything, his dad had to go back to work so he was only there sometimes. His mom took a leave of absence from her job, staying with Ravi full time. 

They very quickly learned that nausea was going to be the worst side effect for Ravi. Celia and Javi would stop by when they could with ginger ale and peppermint candies to hopefully help settle his stomach. Sadly, he couldn’t stop throwing up until they finally gave him zofran through his iv and even then he was still throwing up multiple times. The vomiting alone was enough to bring him down but it didn’t stop there. 

He experienced his first nosebleed a week after his first chemo. He woke up in the middle of the night with blood dripping down his face and covering the front of his shirt. Obviously like any kid in this situation he started yelling for his mom who woke jumped from her twin sized hospital cot to help him. She got him cleaned up and a nurse explained that nosebleeds are normal on chemo but they should keep track of how long they last and when they happen. He was given a small notepad to carry around and he uses it to track all his side effects. 

The most emotionally damaging side effect for Ravi was the hair loss. If there was one thing Ravi loves about himself it was the thick messy black curls on his head. He loved the way the curls would sometimes fall in front of his forehead and the way they fluffed when he took a brush to them. Most of all though he loved it when his mom would comfort him by running her fingers through them as she kissed his head. Whenever he had a hard day at school or he got hurt during soccer he would cuddle with his mom and her hands always made their way into his hair. So when he woke up one morning in the hospital with hair covering his pillow, a meltdown ensued. Priya was right there with him crying too because it was a comfort for her as well. 

“It's bad enough that I-i can’t go to school, I can’t see my f-friends, I can’t play sports and on top of everything my hair is falling out!” His words come out in yells, between his sobs. 

“I know baby, it’s not fair all of this is happening. I know I can’t fix it but I will be right here with you the entire time.” 

“I don’t want my hair to fall out! I just want to feel normal!”

Priya tightens her hold on Ravi as his cries cause his body to shake. Her heart is shattering at his words. She wants nothing more than for his son to feel normal. He’s just a kid and he’s dealing with all these huge issues and it’s not like she can stop all of this so he could feel normal again. So instead she lets him get all his anger out and just keeps reminding him how loved he is and how he will feel normal again one day. She also sends a text to Celia seeing if they could schedule a playdate for the boys, knowing that his best friend would help the situation.  

A few days later Javi and Celia come into Ravi’s hospital room with cupcakes and hair clippers. Javi convinced Ravi that it’s better to just shave off the rest so he doesn’t have to deal with all the itchy hairs left all over his bed and body. They came up with the idea to have a mini party where they would shave Ravi’s head into as many silly styles as they could before he goes completely bald. The started with Javi shaving a smiley face on the back of Ravi’s head sending the boys into a never ending fit of giggles. He also has the sides of his head shaved followed by a Mohawk. When it’s time to cut the last of it off, Javi hands the clippers to Priya and he walks in front of Ravi and grabs his hands. She puts the clippers to his head and the buzzing sound causes tears to pool in his eyes. He had fun with the wacky styles but he knows this is it. He’s coming out of this without his curls. Javi sees that Ravi is beginning to get upset and squeezes his hands. 

“You’re going to be ok, Ravs. It’s hard but remember we’re superheroes.  We can get matching hats now too!” 

Ravi shuts his eyes tightly not wanting to cry more but he squeezes Javi’s hand too. “I know, it’s just hair. I’ll be ok but I just want to be sad for a little.”

Priya starts rubbing his shoulders after she finishes with the last of his hair. 

“I get it. Sometimes you just need sad days. So we’ll be sad together. Anything that happens, we’ll do it together.” Javi gives his friend a smile and Ravi pulls him into a hug. 

“That sounds good to me”

The second phase of chemo has come another 4 weeks after induction ended. He had 4 weeks at home to recover and try to prepare himself for the next phase. His tiny, almost skeletal body is taking longer to bounce back than he thought it would after induction. He spends most of these days either on the couch at home or in a hospital bed again at LCH. These are the times when his mental health begins to decline severely. He’s realized that after a while people stop checking in, they stop calling or dropping by for a play date. He's smart enough to not be mad that people moved on but it still hurts that he spends days alone. He didn’t let it keep him down too much, because he knew that at the end of the day he had his parents and Javi and that’s all he needed. They would always be there for him the entire time. 

Javi on the other hand is well into the maintenance portion, which still breaks down his body, but nowhere near as badly. This phase is just there to keep the cancer in remission. In a few months he’ll even be able to start school again. Ravi couldn’t be more ecstatic for his friend, constantly showering him with praise for getting through the hard part. He even helped Celia plan a celebration dinner for Javi when he got out of the hospital after his consolidation admission. Javi’s hospital visit went with longer time in between but he was always able to convince his mom to visit Ravi when he was inpatient. His friend still needed encouragement and kind words during the dark times. He made a pinky promise to his friend and he wasn’t about to back out of that.

12 days after Ravi began phase 2 he was admitted due to not being able to keep anything down again. Unfortunately during his stay this time, he had to get an ng tube placed to make sure he was still getting all the nutrition his body needs. He and his mom are coloring together when she gets a message that she shares with Ravi. 

“Aww Celia and Javi are here! They’re meeting with his doctors to go over his results from the other day. She said they’ll stop by after.” 

Ravi’s smile widens at the thought of seeing his best friend. “Can we all go to the playroom together?” 

“Of course baby!” She rubs her hand on his head and they continue their coloring until an hour later when they hear a hard knock on the door. Priya gets up to open the door wondering who would be knocking like that. The second she opens it a crying Javi runs in and makes a beeline for Ravi, jumping into bed with him. Celia is still standing in the hallway and chokes on a sob when she sees her friend. Priya looks at her concern and whispers to her as she pulls her into a hug. Celia clings to her like a lifeline as she begins to break down. 

“Please don’t say what I think is happening.” She hears from behind her, the exact words she was scared of hearing. 

“It’s back Ravi, my c-cancer came back” tears are cascading down his face as he lets out a sob. 

Ravi’s face changes to a terrified, shocked expression as his breaths become quicker.  

No no no no Javi is supposed to be ok. He’s supposed to go back to school. He can’t have cancer again. 

“It’s going to be ok, we’re going to be ok Javi. I got you.” 

He doesn’t let the other thoughts leave his head. Instead he grabs on to his friend and doesn’t let go. His own tears falling onto his friend's little bit of hair, as Javi continues to sob. Letting all of the anger, frustration, fear and exhaustion escape his tiny frame in rattling sobs, as Ravi whispers over and over. The four of them sit together for a while just crying and being there for one another. Trying to grapple with the fact that Javi is being thrown right back into the deep end.

Time goes by and now the boys are just laying in bed in Ravi’s hospital room. Their mothers have gone to the cafeteria to grab food for all of them. Once they’re gone the boys use the time to talk about things they never want to say around their mothers. 

“Ravi, can I ask you a question?”

“Of course”

“Would you do it again? Would you go through treatment again if you had to?”

Ravi sits and ponders the question over and over in his head. Treatment has not been kind to either of them, pushing them to their limits in every way possible. This has been the most difficult, painful, and daunting experience either boy has ever faced. Going through it a second time? It really makes you think. 

“I don’t know. It sucks so much but I still want to live. I don’t know if I want to live badly enough to do it again though. Do you think that’s a bad thing?”

He looks to Javi scared of the reaction he may receive from his friend. 

“Maybe, but I agree with you. I don’t think I can go through it again Ravs. Like, is it worth the pain?” Javi looks at Ravi with glassy eyes, searching for the answer he wants to hear.

“I think I would at least try and if it gets too hard I would ask to stop. I would only do it for my parents and you though. I love them enough to keep going even if I didn’t want to. And I wouldn’t want to leave you by yourself. We’re supposed to do it all together.”

“Yeah I think you’re right. It’s just me and my mom and she’ll be so lonely if she doesn’t have me. So maybe I try this out for her and of course for you.” He gives Ravi a weak smile. “But if it gets to be too much, you can’t judge me for quitting.”

“I wouldn’t ever judge you for that Javi. I am glad you’re going to give it a shot though. I can’t imagine what I would do without you.”

“Well it’s good I don’t plan on ever leaving you.” Javi realizes how tired he is after the emotional turmoil he’s just experienced and he begins to yawn. Before he falls asleep he says one more thing. “Hey if we both beat this, I think we should go to the beach. We could have a big party and celebrate together. We’ll play and swim and just be happy.”

“I like the sound of that a lot. We can invite all the cool nurses too so they can party with us. Right now though, I’m ready for a nap” Ravi chuckles as he pulls the blanket up around them. 

Javi smiles as they huddle together and rather quickly fall asleep.

Ravi is holding his mom’s hand thinking they’re on their way to see Javi, who is currently impatient for chemo. It’s been 3 months since the relapse and the table have completely turned. Ravi is now the one in the maintenance phase and Javi is back in the thick of treatment. He’s smiling huge because he’s holding a new track set he got for his friend. Unexpectedly, his mom pulls him into a family room where Celia and Dana are waiting. The sight of them makes him stop in tracks, the air suddenly disappears from his lungs. He knows something is wrong. They would never all meet in a family room like this. Celia’s face is tear stained and Dana wears a look of pity as she passes the woman a box of tissues. 

Celia does her best to smile at the boy when he comes in. “Hey Ravi, how are you honey?” 

He struggles to put his feelings into words. So he just looks at the woman and shakes his head as the fear grows in the pit of his stomach. His mom squeezes his hand and kneels down in front of him 

“Baby we have some things we have to tell you and it’s going to be really hard to hear, but I want you to know we’re all here for you ok? We will be here to help you with anything you need.”

His bottom lip begins to wobble as he looks around at the women surrounding him. He has a gut feeling about the news and if it’s true, he knows he won’t be able to handle it. He drops his mothers hand and grips the track to his chest.  For the first time since entering the room he speaks. 

“Where’s Javi?” He’s gritting his teeth to keep himself from crying. 

He sees tears begin to fall down Celia’s as his mom tries to run a hand down his back. 

“Ravi, sweetie-“ his mom begins to speak but he cuts her off knowing she will try to keep hiding the secret from him. He looks directly at Dana, knowing she promised to always tell him the truth. 

“Dana, where is Javi? Why isn’t he here?”

Dana gets up grabbing his hand guiding the boy to sit down in one of the chairs as priya joins behind them. She gets him to let go of the track and sets it down in the corner. 

“He’s in his room right now, room 311. We brought you here to talk about Javi though.”

Ravi’s expression is a delicate balance of devastation and seething anger. He knows he’s going to get terrible news and all he wants is his best friend by his side. He knows that as long as Javi is here he will be ok and he doesn’t like that they brought him here without his other half. 

“What happened?” His hands are balled into fists as he’s looking at Dana and Dana only. Even when Celia begins to speak. 

“Honey, Javi had some scans and tests done recently and they didn’t look the way we wanted them too.”

“What does that even mean?” He’s unable to keep the tears from falling down his cheeks. He knows where this is going and he knows what it means but he refuses to accept it. Not Javi. Not his best friend. 

Celia turned away from the boy and he can hear soft sobs coming from her. His mom looks at Dana, hoping she had the right words to say. 

Dana, the angel that she is, knows the exact words to say. Unfortunately she also knows that nothing she says will make this easier. She’s been a part of so many conversations just like this, with parents and siblings and friends and patients. She takes a deep breath and looks directly at Ravi so he knows that he is her only priority right now. 

“You know that Javi relapsed a while ago and had to start treatment again.”

Ravi nods his head, hanging on to every word she says. 

“When they did the tests they found out the treatment isn’t working anymore for him. The cancer has spread throughout his body now.”

Ravi starts to shake his head refusing to believe what she says to him. 

“No- no there’s other medicines he can try. Right? There’s other ones he can take. My chemo helped me, he can get the same one”

Dana’s head tilts slightly to the side as she tries to keep her composure. Priya on the other hand is trying to not only help her son, but also her friend. 

“The cancer has spread too far, honey. Unfortunately We don’t have medicines that can help him anymore. His body is reacting differently than yours, that’s why he can’t take the same one as you.”

“Well then we need to find a new one.” He’s standing up now and his voice is getting louder. 

“Find a different chemo to fix him Dana. Why can’t they fix him?”

She knows his reaction is due to his pain but it still stings when she hears him yelling at her to save his friend. 

“Ravi, we looked into so many options for him but right now it’s going to hurt Javi too much to do them. We’re here to help you understand that Javi won’t-“ she pauses to clear her throat as tears start falling down her cheeks. Both mothers are turned towards Ravi now, anticipating the reaction of Dana’s next words. “Javi isn’t going to get better this time baby.” 

Ravi begins to breathe rapidly as he swipes the tears out of his eyes. His mom reaches out to hold him and he smacks her hand away. Backing away from the women. 

Ravi has always been a wise, mature, and articulate child. He carried himself in a way that made people assume he was older than he was. He had a knack for coming up with rational reactions and solutions to problems he faced. Right now though, Ravi is a kid. He’s a 10 year old kid scared out of his mind. He’s 10 and trying to grapple with the fact that his best friend, the person that has been with him since day 1 of this journey, is going to die. 

“Don’t touch me. I don’t want to be touched.” He backed himself up towards the corner of the room, trying his best to catch his breath. He feels like someone is holding him down and sitting on his chest. 

“Why are we just letting him die? Why aren’t we doing more to save him?” 

Celia is audibly crying now. It’s not that she’s upset with Ravi. She knows that she reacted in a very similar way. She wishes that there was more she could do to ease the hurt, but how can she do that when she keeps asking herself the same questions. 

His mom walks towards him but doesn’t reach out and keeps her distance in an effort to respect his space. She tries to give him a soft tone, but finds it difficult through her tears. 

“My love, the doctors and nurses have done everything they could do to help him. There’s nothing we can do to heal his body now but you know what we can do? We can love him and hold him, and fill his time with as many good memories as we can.”

She does her best to give him a smile that’s ripped away the second Ravi utters his next words. 

“I don’t want to lose him, mommy” he runs and collapses into his mother’s arms sobbing,struggling to catch his breath. He feels Celia and Dana come up behind him, wrapping their arms around him and his mother, surrounding him in love. 

Later that day, Ravi and Dana leave Celia and Priya in the family room so Ravi has the chance to be alone with Javi for a little. Dana holds his hand as she walks with him towards room 311. 

“Does he know?” Ravi asks her.

“He does. His mom and I had a conversation with him just like we did with you.”

“Ok. When we get there can I go in alone? I just want to be with near him by myself.”

“Of course bud.” She gently squeezes his hand as they continue down the hallway. Soon enough they make it to the room and Ravi walks in. He sees his friend laying in bed and thinks he’s sleeping. His body looks so frail, to the point Ravi is scared to crawl into bed with him like he always does. He opts to pull a chair close to the bed and hold Javi’s hand. When he grabs it though he feels Javi shuffle in the bed. 

“Come on Ravs, you know you want to jump up here.” He speaks in almost a whisper and he sounds like he’s in pain. 

Tears already begin to sting at Ravi’s eyes but he still climbs into bed with Javi. He was right, everything always feels better when they share a bed with each other. They wrap their arms around each other and Javi lays his head on Ravi’s shoulder.

“I guess they told you.” Javi says, Ravi feels his shirt getting wet from Javi crying. 

“I’m sorry Javi. Its not fair that this is happening.”

“You know I don’t want to leave you right Ravi? I don’t want to but I can’t keep going. It just hurts so much.”

“I know. I never want you to go but I get it.” He hates that he gets it. That he understands why Javi needs to stop treatment. He hates that it had to be his best friend. The one person in his life that really understood what he was going through. 

“I’m going to miss you so much Ravs.” He hears Javi’s voice crack as he tries to keep talking. “You’re going to be ok though. You're going to get through all of this.”

“I just don’t want to do it without you though.” His voice is shaking and the fear is taking over his body. “You’re the person that always made me feel brave.”

“You were brave on your own, I just helped you realize it. And I’ll still be there with you. Just not my body. But I’ll be there in spirit. I have to ask you for a favor though.”

“Anything.”

“Can you um, can you make sure to check up on my mom when I’m gone? I’m so scared for her. She’s going to be alone and I don’t want her to be. So can you keep talking to her after?”

“Yeah of course. I know my mom will keep talking to her too. We’ll make sure she’s not alone.”

“Thank you, you’re the best friend I ever had.”

“You’re the best friend I’ve ever had too. I love you so much Javs. So so much.”

“I love you too Ravi. I know I already said it, but you’re going to be ok, I know you will be. I’ll always be with you.”

He chokes on the next words but he knows it’s something they both need to hear. “You pinky swear?” He holds up his shaking hand with his pinky outstretched. Javi quickly wraps his own shaking finger around Ravi’s.

“I pinky swear”

16 days later Javier Matteo Gutierrez took his last breath with his mother and best friend by his side till the very end.

Chapter Text

Ravi lays in bed staring at the ceiling knowing it's not likely that sleep will take over his body anytime soon. It’s been 8 days since he made that phone call to Dr. Stephens and 4 days since he went to have his blood drawn as a starting point of tests in his near future. It's been 3 days since Dr. Stephens called him saying that his hemoglobin was a 7, not a great sign. 3 days since he made the rest of the appointments, a bone marrow aspirate and biopsy, a spinal tap, and another complete blood panel. Today is the day. He grabs his phone off the nightstand to check the time. 4:30 am. Buck would be here in 4 hours to pick him up and drive him to the appointments. He promised to stay with him the entire time and never leave his side unless it was completely necessary. Ravi appreciated knowing that even if he breaks down, he’ll have someone there to be his rock. He’s been too scared to tell his parents, not wanting them to worry about him, so having someone he loves there means the world. 

He also feared that if his parents were there it would bring up more painful memories that hes doing his best to avoid now. He’s already having the images of him in a mask getting his port accessed with the smell of the CHG swab as it rubs across his skin and the taste of saline in the back of his mouth every time the nurse sends a flush through the tube. That’s such a minimal memory compared to the rest but that alone has him squeezing his eyes shut and trying to regulate his breathing. He doesn't know what would happen if he pictured his parents' faces that first day in the hospital, or the feeling of Dana’s hand squeezing his as they walked back towards his room after he met Javi for the first time in the playroom. The look on his mom, Dana, and Celia’s faces that day in the family room. The day his world cracked, right before it shattered into a million tiny pieces. He knows that if dives into these thoughts, there's no way he’s coming back from it. He wouldn’t be able to make it through the day ahead of him. 

After he lays there, drowning in his anxiety for what feels like hours on end, he picks up his phone again. 5:04 am. He knows that laying in bed is going to make everything worse so he decides to get up and shower before he starts getting ready. He takes his time as the hot water slides down his body for as long as he could take it. Letting its somehow calming presence envelope him in warmth. When hes finally done and dressed in his joggers and tshirt he opens the top drawer of his dresser and reaches for something at the bottom. He pulls out a leather braided bracelet that has a black resin bead woven into the strands. He runs a finger over the small J carved into the bead, thinking about what was said to him when he was gifted it. 

It’s a reminder that he will always be with you. As long as you have this, you’ll always have a piece of him. You will never be alone Ravi.

He used to wear the bracelet all the time but after he almost lost it he stopped. Scared at the thought of not having it with him. Only taking it out when he needed to feel close to his friend. He slid the bracelet on and made his way out to the kitchen. It’s currently 5:52 and he pulls his phone out to text Buck.

Ravi: Yo snoop, we still on for today? Im getting backstabbed so shouldn't really drive after lol. 

Snoop Dog: RAVI

Snoop Dog: BACKSTABBING?????

Ravi: that’s literally what it is. They are stabbing a needle into my back.

Ravi: ✨ Backstabbing✨

Ravi: and my hip too so also a hip stabbing. 

Ravi: God this is gonna fucking suck

Snoop Dog: Wait youre not asleep for this??? They don’t knock you out for that shit??????

Snoop Dog: But also yes we’re still on. I will take you to your backstabbing. 

Ravi: nope 🥴🥴🥴

Ravi: I gotta raw dog getting a needle shoved into my bones 😭

Ravi: All I got to pregame with is an Ativan and a dream✊🏽

Ravi: they couldnt even gimme a xanny 😔

Snoop Dog: 😨😨😨

Snoop Dog: ✨horrifying✨That has to be a form of literal torture 

Snoop Dog: I'm being so serious I will find someone illegally selling Xanax for you if you want it. 

Snoop Dog: i'm sorry I might be making this worse by saying this shit but that is genuinely insane to me😭

Ravi: You’re telling me snoop. 

Ravi: Also you're moms literally a cop so you prob shouldn’t buy illegal drugs. 

Ravi: But i'm down to get high after lol

Snoop Dog: Oh so you can buy drugs but I cant????

Ravi: It’s ✨medicinal ✨

Ravi: and my mom isn’t a narc

Snoop Dog: whatever but yes im so down. Ill buy snacks cause youre getting stabbed

Ravi: Slay we love! Also making smoothies for breakfast, you want one?

Snoop Dog: YES PLS

Ravi smiles at his phone and his conversation with buck. He knows today is going to be every version of horrible for him but hes glad he can find joy in his friends. He grabs his blender out of the cabinet and begins to throw an array of ingredients into it. He pours his into a glass and pours Buck’s into a travel mug. It doesn’t take long for Ravi to fall back into the anxiety that cleared momentarily when he talked to Buck. He knows he joked about it but hes terrified about how the day will turn out. Not only is he going to experience a huge amount of physical pain today, but he knows the mental anguish will do the same amount of damage. He grabs the Ativan off his counter and takes 2 with his smoothie and prays it’ll kick in soon. After he takes the pills he hears his phone ding, and ding, and ding again. He grabs it and smiles as his eyes begin to water. 

Ravi’s ALL fucked up chat

Hen: sending you all the love and hugs and good vibes today Ravs! We love you so much❤️

Bobby: We’ll be thinking about you all day! Keep us updated if you can, You got this kid!

Chim: Let us know if you need anything at all! We can swing by with snacks or coffee! I know you’ll do great man!😊

Eddie: I know today’s gonna be shitty but we all know how tough you are Ravi. You’ve already been through the worst and made it to the other side. Don’t forget you are the strongest of the strong man. 

And thats when he loses whatever semblance of calm he had. With his back to the wall he slides down until he's sitting on the floor and begins to cry. He can't wrap his head around how Eddie knew to say something so close to what his mom would tell him over and over again. 

You are the bravest of the brave and the strongest of the strong my love. Never forget this.

His head is in his hands and everything is hitting him at once. There is a very real chance that he’s going to leave that hospital, a cancer patient. Not a cancer survivor but a patient again. He might be thrown into round 2 of the fight for his life. He might have to fight for the 2nd time and the last person he knew that relapsed died. Ravi’s not dumb. He knows death is inevitable but he’s only 26. He’s not ready to face death like this again. He will walk into any fire, collapsing building, or prison riot knowing he could die, but the difference is that he's doing it on his terms. It’s not forced upon him by tiny stupid cells that decide they want to be special and mutate. 

As the thoughts continue to run through his head his sadness and fear morphs into anger. He’s angry that life is throwing him a curveball again. He’s angry at how unfair it is. He’s angry that he had to fight like that and he was only 9 years old. Hes angry that he didn't get to have a normal childhood. Hes pissed that this is threatening the great life he has right now. He’s fuming because at 10, he was forced to watch as his best friend had the life sucked out of him. He’s pissed that this is his reality and there’s not a single thing he can do to change it. 

He has no control. 

Within seconds he's on his feet and his phone is across the room. He picks up the closest thing to him, his half drank smoothie, and throws that too, the glass shattering against the wall. Then a mug that was on the counter, a decorative bowl of fruits, even his bottle of pills. When he runs out of easily accessible projectiles, he switches to using his fists against the walls. He lets out screams as his hands crash through the drywall. Before he can realize it, Buck is behind him. His massive arms wrap around his torso as the man pulls him away from the damaged wall. He tries to move away from Buck, but he’s not strong enough to combat the other man’s grip. Ravi falls into his grasp as the screams and sobs rip through him. 

“Fuck this Man. It’s not fucking fair. I Fucking hate this.”

Both men fall to the floor, Ravi putting his weight onto Buck, who also has tears in his eyes. 

“I know, I know Ravs. It’s not fair at all. I got you though. I'm not going anywhere, ok? You’re not alone Ravi.”

His voice is shaking as he speaks through gritted teeth but you can still hear the seething anger in his voice.

”I just want to be normal.”

Ravi wasn’t aware that Buck was coming to his house early that morning but he’s grateful for it. He didn’t know what would’ve happened if Buck wasn’t there to hold him and make sure he didn’t keep doing stupid things. Once Ravi’s calmed down enough, Buck helps him to the couch and begins to bandage up his hands. 

“I think we should call and reschedule your appointments today.” 

Ravi breaks away from the spot on the wall he was staring at in an effort to ground himself. 

“No. We’ll go.” He whispers

“Ravs I don’t thi-“

“Buck I can’t go any longer without knowing. I had to stop counting how many over the top breakdowns I’ve had since this started again. I’m very obviously going insane. We-I need to go.”

“Ok. Ok we can go but Ravi, I think you need to talk to your doctor about seeing someone to help with the stress of this. This situation fucking sucks and I can’t even begin to imagine how triggering it is for you. I- I just really care about you Ravi, and I hate that you’re going through so much pain right now.” Bucks voice cracks and Ravi knows he’s doing his best to hold back tears. “I'm really scared for you man and not just for your physical health. Mental health is just as important and I think talking to someone could really help you.”

Ravi looks up and sees he was correct and Buck is fighting off tears. He knows he should be talking to someone but he doesn’t know if he can stomach doing it. Dishing out all of his deepest secrets, his fears, and how he views himself at times. He doesn’t want someone seeing all of that. He knows Buck is just saying it out of love though so he tries to genuinely answer the man. 

“I’ll think about it ok? I had some not so pleasant experiences in the mental health department when I was younger so it’s hard for me to do stuff like that.”

He sees Buck’s  face drop to an even sadder expression that Ravi didn’t think was possible. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed that, I just know you’re hurting and I-“

Ravi cuts him off by pulling Buck into a hug. It catches him off guard but he quickly wraps his arm around his friend. 

“Don’t apologize for caring about me Buck. You were just doing what any amazing friend would do. I would never be upset at you for that.”

He hears a sniffle come from his friend and then hears Buck whisper. “I love you Ravs. You know that right? I wasn’t lying when I said you’re my little brother.”

“I know Buck I love you too. Now you ready to take me to my back stabbing appointment?” Buck pulls away and slaps Ravi on his arm as he laughs while wiping away tears. 

“We were having such a nice moment and you had to ruin it.” 

“The appointment is in a half hour and there’s always traffic! We gotta go!” Ravi argues. 

“Still you could’ve said something better than “backstabbing appointment”!” 

“Whatever, you’re being dramatic, let’s go!” Both of the men are smiling now and Ravi gets a few minutes of peace before he lets the anxiety take over him again. 

They sit in the jeep headed to Cedars Sinai, with the radio playing Buck’s daylist entitled “healing soul crushing Tuesday early morning”. Buck offered to let Ravi pick the music and he thought that fit the vibe. Currently they are listening to The View between villages by Noah Kahan and both of them are questioning their lives as most do when they listen to the song. Buck tries to talk to Ravi in an attempt to pull both of them out of their heads. 

“That’s a cool bracelet you have. I keep seeing you spin the bead. Where’d you get it?”

Ravi looks down at the bracelet and surprises himself when he smiles instead of getting the feeling of despair and grief. 

“My best friend’s mom gave it to me when I was 11.”

“His mom gave it to you?” Buck asks innocently not knowing the reply would be as sad as it is. 

“Yeah um, my best friend, his name was Javi.” When Buck hears the word “was” his stomach drops knowing what Ravi is going to say next. “He he um passed away when when I was 10. His mom had him cremated and after she had this bracelet made for me. There’s some of his ashes in the bead.” Ravi takes a deep breath and sniffles. “She said he’d always be with me that way.”

“I’m so sorry Ravi. You were so young experiencing that kind of loss. It’s so nice she gave you that though.” 

“Thanks man. It was really rough. Him and I were super close. I don’t wear it often because I’m too scared of losing it, but I figured I needed him a little more today.”

“Hey Ravs?” This causes Ravi to look up at Buck while they’re stopped at a red light and Buck has a genuine look of interest on his face. 

“Yeah?”

“Wanna tell me more about Javi?”

Ravi pauses and thinks about bucks question. He’s never really thought about telling people about Javi. Not because he’s embarrassed or ashamed but because Javi was his. They were his happiest and most devastating memories and he never really thought about sharing them. Now that it’s been offered he re-evaluates those past decisions. 

“Actually y-yeah. I think I would really like that. I just don’t know where to start.”

“Ok, why don’t you start with the day you guys met?”

Ravi smiles as he begins to talk about that day at LA children’s hospital. He tells Buck about the playroom and how Javi and Ravi became the cancer fighting superheroes. He told him about the times when they shared hospital rooms which ended up with them sharing beds most of the time. He got to tell Buck how Javi always made him laugh so hard when he would play pranks on people. He told him about the days they binged cartoons and built race car tracks for hours on end. Ravi also got to highlight how they were always there for each other, whether it was holding hands during a poke or grabbing a emesis bag when nausea suddenly hit. By the time Ravi is done tell Buck everything about Javi, they’re pulling into the hospital parking lot. Ravi realizes that Buck was asking questions and listening to Ravi because it was helping him get through the car ride and it did just that. The anxiety he felt was eased when he got to tell his current best friend about his old best friend. When the car is finally parked Ravi fully turns his body to face Buck. 

”Thank you Buck. I really think that would’ve been a lot harder if you hadn’t let me talk and ask questions about Javi. So thank you.”

”You don’t need to thank me Ravi. I was doing what any good friend would’ve done and I genuinely wanted to hear about him. I am glad that it helped calm you down though. It’s almost like he was here helping you through another hard time.” 

Tears form in Ravi’s eyes but not out of fear, or grief, or devastation. This time its tears of peace, content, and courage. Buck was right. It was like Javi was helping him again but Ravi knew it wasn’t just the little boy. 

“I think Javi had some help this time. Just saying, I think Javi would like my choice of a new best friend.” 

Now its Buck’s turn to shed a few tears at Ravi’s words. “Well I’m just glad I can be here for you. I cant promise ill be as good as a cancer fighting superhero but ill do my best.” This cause a soft laugh to come from Ravi.

”Im sure you’ll do a great job. You ready to tackle this?”

”I am if you are.” Buck responds and Ravi nods his head. 

The two of them get out of the car and head into the hospital.

  It doesn't take them long to get checked in and called back for basic triage before appointments like this. When his name was called Buck immediately asked if he needed him to come with him, but Ravi knew he could tackle this part on his own. 

He gets to the small room and goes through all the steps that apparently never change. Height, weight, blood pressure, temperature, heart rate. He struggled to not roll his eyes or make a smart comment when the nurse said his heart rate was really high and he should try some meditating and breathing techniques to calm down. There apparently was “no reason to get worked up”

Ah yes because saying “you should relax” heals a decade of trauma in an instant. Ill have to try that out sometime. 

He just flashes her a smile and says he’ll do his best as he walks out of the room to find Buck in the waiting area. When he does he sits down and makes a sarcastic comment to his friend. 

“Buck did you know that theres no reason to get worked up about all of this and if I tried meditation and breathing techniques I would be much more calm!” He says in a sing-song voice. He knows the nurse was just trying to help but he's already on edge so he found the comment annoying. 

Buck does his best not to laugh as he responds to his friend. “She didnt???? God did she really say that?” 

”Yup” the younger man pops the p in the word. “Who knew right? All you have to do it breathe and everything will be fine.” The 2 men chuckle together at the absurdity of the comment but stop abruptly when another nurse comes out. 

“Ravi Panikkar” she says towards everyone in the waiting room. Looking around for someone to stand. Buck turns to him in a attempt to make him laugh again says.

”Well you better start working on those breathing techniques cause I think you're gonna need them.” 

Ravi is terrified right now but laughs at Buck's comment. 

“You better start working on them too cause youre going to be watching this all go down. Let’s go snoop.”

Buck rolls his eyes as they both stand and walk towards the woman. That greets them with a welcoming smile. 

“Hi my name is Shannon and I'm going to be your nurse today! Can I ask who you brought with you?”

”This is my best friend and coworker Buck.” Ravi smiles at the woman and Buck gives her an incredibly awkward wave. 

”Nice to meet you two! Im going to bring you guys back to a room now so you can change into a gown for the procedure and then we’ll get you all set up for the doctor.”

Its hard for Ravi to form words right now but he nods as they follow Shannon through a maze of hallways before stopping at door labeled 118. Shannon leads them into the room and theres a hospital gown and scrub pants on the exam table ready for Ravi to change into. 

”Ill leave you to it and the doctor will be in in a few minutes.” She smiles as she shuts the door. 

“That’s gotta be a sign of good luck Ravi! Come on room 118? What are the odds?” Buck excitedly says the second the door closes. Ravi who is currently undressing down to his underwear smiles at Buck current demeanor. 

“I was thinking the same thing. The whole 118 isn’t here but its like we get a little piece of them.” He can't control his grin as he slides on the pants followed by the gown. “Im still pretty fucking scared of this but it makes me feel a little bit better.” Buck smiles at him and Ravi pulls out his phone. 

“Come on we gotta update the chat.” 

He holds his phone up to take a selfie of him and Buck. He bites his lower lip and squints his eyes and holds up a middle finger which causes Buck to almost fall out of his chair laughing. Ravi snaps the picture at the perfect time showing him in peak douchebag mode and Buck with a fully red face in the middle of laughing. 

“You are not actually sending that. There’s no way!” Buck says as he’s trying to catch his breath and wipe tears from his eyes. 

“Oh I absolutely am!” 

Ravi’s ALL fucked up chat 

Ravi sent an image 

Ravi: when the drip is so 🔥🔥🔥your friend almost dies 

Eddie: CTFUUUUU THE POSE IS EVERYTHING 

Hen: A BADDIE RECOGNIZES ANOTHER BADDIE💅

Bobby: I’m not sure why you are holding up the middle finger but are you and Buck ok? 

Chim: King behavior Rav. We love it 🤣

Snoop Dog: We're both fine Bobby! Just being idiots like usual!

Ravi: will update more later. Dr about to come in 

Hen: Good luck ravs ❤️❤️❤️

Ravi is sitting on the exam table with Buck in a chair across from him and they both smile at the phones. He knows what’s coming is going to be painful both physically and mentally, but he has people waiting on the phone with as much encouragement as he needs and his friend across from him to hold his hand. As long as he has that he’ll be able to get through it. 

Shannon chooses this moment to come back to draw Ravi’s blood and the two of them end up explaining why they’re both laughing and Buck is the same shade as a tomato. She laughs with them while she swiftly finishes the blood draw and leaves the room to send the samples out. Ravi was thoroughly impressed with her speed and accuracy. He’s dealt with some rough pokes from people that were just rushing through patients so he appreciates her work.

A few minutes later he hears the knock at the door and looks at Buck when he says “Come in” 

A short, stout man walks in the room with an already annoyed look on his face. 

“I'm Doctor Lebowitz. I'm here to do your bone marrow biopsy and aspirate and my coworker will come in later to do your spinal tap.” He turns to Buck. “You need to leave the room.” 

Ravi immediately looks at Buck with sheer panic on his face. The whole thing that was keeping him calm was Buck’s prescence. Seeing this, Buck quickly tries to reason with the doctor. 

“Actually, he really needs the support from a friend so ill wear gloves and a mask or a gown or whatever. I'm staying in the room though.” 

The doctor sighs and rolls his eyes and looks at Ravi. “The chart says you’re 26 years old. You're a grown man. You'll be fine without your babysitter.” 

”I-I just want my friend in here with me. I get really bad anxiety in s-situations like this. I-it brings up a lot of trauma for me.” Ravi says, stumbling over his words. He struggles to figure out what’s going on because he was not expecting to be shamed like this. He wants to sound more direct and demanding but he thought of someone not being with him is scary. He’s doing his best to not cry right now. 

”You’re acting like a kid right now. You'll be fine. He needs to leave and you need to lie down on your side.” 

Ravi looks at Buck again with fear etched in every line on his face. Buck on the other hand is pissed. He wasn't about to let this man make Ravi feel worse about an already bad situation. Doctor or not, no one is going to disrespect his friends like that. Buck is not a small man. He is in fact, a very tall, very muscular, very beefy man. He used every ounce of his size to scare this man in the same way he scared Ravi. Buck stood, towering over the man who looked up at Buck trying, but not succeeding, to not show fear. When Buck opens his mouth, Ravi was expecting a yell to come out but instead was met with a more unsettling low pointed tone. 

“You have no clue what he’s been through, so you will not sit here and tell him his feelings aren’t valid. Since you want to be a dick I’m going to tell you how this is going to happen. You are going to not say another word to him,” as he points to Ravi, “unless it directly pertains to the procedure. You will apologize to him for the comments you made trying to belittle the trauma he’s experienced. You will get me a mask or gloves or whatever I need, because im not leaving this room. If you dont follow these rules then you can walk out and find a different doctor to do his procedure. Have I made myself clear?” With the last words Buck stands up straighter and tilts his head to the side slightly and somehow that makes him even more intimidating. 

Dr. Lebowitz’s jaw is on the floor as he looks at the giant man towering over him. Ravi assumes hes gotten away with this behavior too many times before and this is the first time someone has stood up to him. 

“I-I will not be disrespected like that in m-my place of work.” He tries to puff his chest out and Buck lets out a low laugh in the mans face.

”Like you disrespected him? Come on doc keep the same energy.” 

”Whatever, there’s gloves and masks in the cabinet, put them on and we’ll get started.”

”A-actually, can you just g-get one of your colleagues to do it? You make me extremely uncomfortable and I-I don't want you doing it.” Ravi says in a soft shaky voice. 

The man scoffs and begins to roll his eyes but stops when Buck gets closer to him. 

“You heard him. Go find another doctor.” And with that Dr. Lebowitz leaves the room never to be seen again. 

When to door closes, Buck turns his attention to Ravi, walking over and wrapping his arms around him. 

“I am so sorry Ravi you did not deserve that.” He hears quiet cries coming from the man and rubs his hand up and down his back. “Don’t believe a thing he said. You are allowed to have those feelings, it doesnt matter how old you are.” 

“Thank you Buck. For standing up for me. I really appreciate it.” 

“Anytime kid. Ill always be here for you.” 

“Also don’t tell Eddie but it was r-really hot.” 

Hearing this elicits a belly laugh from Buck and in turn Ravi laughs too. 

“Oh I'm definitely telling him. Are you kidding me? He’s going to think it was super hot too, totally gonna get me laid.” 

Ravi is wiping away his tears as they laugh and Buck updates the group chat, when they hear another knock on the door. Shannon doesnt wait before rushing into the room with a pitied look on her face. 

“Oh baby, I am so sorry. We tell him all the time he can't treat people like that. Are you ok? Is there anything I can do for you?” She looks and sees that Ravi is crying and her face somehow looks scarier than Buck’s was. 

“Oh absolutely not, he is going to get a piece of my mind. That man-”

Ravi cuts her off before she can run out the door again. “I’m ok I swear, can we just get another doctor? I kinda just want to get this over with. Thank you for all the concern though, I really appreciate it.” 

“Oh honey of course! Ill get the doctor thats going to do the spinal tap. She’s can do both of them. I’m so sorry again, I don't know what he said but I can guarantee that none of it was true.”

”I know and thank you for apologizing. Buck scared him pretty good so that definitely helped the situation.” They both turn to Buck who has the biggest smile on his face.

”Just doing my job as the supportive friend!”

“Well you’re doing a great job! I’ll go grab the doctor and see if we can get you outta here as soon as possible.” 

“Thank you so much!”

When the door to room 118 closes again the men look at each other. 

“God she’s so sweet. I hope she beats his ass.” Ravi says.

“Oh that’s absolutely happening and I love that for her.”

About 20 minutes later, another Doctor comes in already smiling as she walks towards Ravi and Buck to introduce herself. 

“Hi! I’m assuming you’re Ravi. My name is Joan Simmons and I'll be doing your procedures today. I’m sorry about Dr. Lebowitz, unfortunately he tends to be that rude but don't worry, I saw Shannon laying into him.”

 Buck and Ravi look at each other and smile, knowing that’s exactly what they were expecting. 

“Well thank you for doing the procedures, that guy wasn't very nice when he came in so I’m glad hes gone and getting yelled at.”

”It’s no problem at all. I see you're getting the trifecta today. Would you like me to let you know what I'm doing step by step or I can just stay quiet? Whatever works best for you.”

When he was younger he always wanted people to tell him what was going on so when the option was given to him he jumps for it. 

“Absolutely the step by step plan please.”

”Ok we can definitely do that! Now does your friend want to be in the room for all of this?” 

“His name is Buck and he is definitely staying here, he's my emotional support coworker.” This causes a laugh from the Dr. Simmons and Buck. 

“Alright perfect! Are you ready to get started then?”

Ravi takes a deep breath and nods his head. He doesnt think he’ll ever actually feel ready for this but he is ready for it to be over. 

“Ok Ravi I’m going to have you lie on your side facing Buck then.”

He tries to slow his breathing and shaking hands as he agrees. He lowers himself down and Buck moves his chair directly in front of him. The man reaches out his hand that Ravi immediately grabs. 

“I’m laying the drape down now and then I’m going to clean the area with a chloroprep swab.”  

The smell of the swab sends shivers down Ravi’s spine and he feels nauseous. He squeezes his eyes shut and continues to try to breathe through it. 

“I’m going to inject the lidocaine now to numb the spot the needle goes in. You’re going to feel a pinch and then some burning but it’ll go away pretty quickly.” 

“O-ok” He winces a little as the needle enters his skin but overall is fine with the first injection. 

“For this next part I’m going to have Buck hold on to your leg with his other hand ok? I’m sure you know how this goes and I really can’t have you moving.”

“Yeah I know. It’s probably good that he does that.”

Buck looks horrified at what he’s tasked with. Having to hold down your friend who’s having a needle inserted into their bone isn’t something he ever wanted to do. 

“Buck it’s ok. Trust me it’ll help me if you hold my leg. It’s going to hurt a whole lot more if I flinch.”

“O-Ok Ravs. I’m sorry this sucks so much.”

“It does but it’s a lot more bearable when people have their loved ones with them.” The doctor says as she smiles at Buck. 

“Ravi, I'm going to insert the needle now. Do you want me to count or just go for it?”

“Just go for it and get it done”

“Ok here we go.”

Dr. Simmons guides the needle into Ravi’s skin and down into the bone of his hip. Buck can feel Ravi trying to shift beneath the heavy weight of his hand and is forced to hold him harder. The grip Ravi has on his hand tightens to the point that circulation is cut off but neither man cares. Ravi’s eyes are shut tight and pain is written all over his face. 

“God fuck that hurts!”

“I know I know. I’m in the bone now. We’re just getting the liquid in your bone.” 

“You’re almost there, Ravs you got this. You’re doing great so far.”

Buck watches in horror and amazement as the doctor fills a few tubes and a specimen container with the liquid from Ravi’s hip. 

“Ok I’m pulling the needle out now. I’m not going to lie, this next part is going to be a bit worse.”

“Fuck I should’ve let you get me those xannys Buck!” Ravi winces and Buck in all seriousness responds. 

“I’ll text Eddie when we’re done. We’ll find something.” Ravi winces again but this time with a slight laugh. 

“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. Ravi I’m going to insert the biopsy needle now. It’s a little bigger and hollow so we can get a solid piece.” 

“Fuck, ok- FUCK FUCK FUCK OH MY GOD SHIT BUCK! FUCK STOP THAT HURTS SO MUCH.”

What was once a curse mixed with winces has become screams at the needle digging into his hip. His entire body flinches and tries to pull away from the pain but he doesnt get far before Buck is leaning on his legs to hold him still. Tears are streaming down Ravi’s face and both of his hands have a death grip on Buck’s. The other man is also in tears seeing his friend suffer and knowing he can’t just pull him into a hug.

“I know its hard but I really need you to stay still bud. We’re almost done! Keep yelling as much as you need to!”

”YOU TRY TO STAY STILL FOR THIS SHIT!” He knows its not the doctors fault and he’ll feel bad later but there isn’t a kind coherent thought going on in his head right now. 

“I’m so sorry Ravs, fuck I’m so so so sorry.” 

“And done! You’re all done. I’m just going to hold pressure on here for a little.” 

As he feels the needle leave his skin, Ravi feels like he can breathe again. He loosens his grip on Buck's hand but never lets go. The second the needle is out Buck’s other hand flies over and settles on the top of Ravi’s. 

“You did it dude! You got through it! It’s ok now.”

“Thanks man.” He says through labored breaths. “Unfortunately we still have the spinal tap though.”

Buck’s face drops because he absolutely forgot that was part of this too. 

“If Buck holds pressure here quick, I can do it now to get it out of the way.” The Doctor offers.

”I-I dont know if I-“

”Put a fucking glove on and hold your hand there so we can leave. Im tired of this shit and I want to go home.” Ravi snaps and quickly realizes he should apologize. “Im sorry you didnt deserve that but can you please do it so we can leave?”

”You dont have to apologize Ravs, I get it. I will hold pressure, I was just scared of hurting you more.” 

“Buck, I love you but I dont think that's possible.”

The doctor hands Buck a glove and he holds on to the gauze covering the incision sight. 

“Ok Ravi, I’m going to explain step by step for you again. Can you pull your knees to your chest?” Ravi does as she says but winces at the shift of his hips. 

“Good! I’m going to clean the area again and then mark where I'll insert the needle.”

She turns around and grabs the rest of her supplies setting it up on the tray beside her. She changes her gloves and then puts a hand on Ravi’s lower back. 

“I’m going to do the lidocaine injection now to numb the site, so you’ll feel that pinch again and then some burning.”

”God, I’m getting so high later I don't care what anyone says. No offense doc.”

”Again pretending I didn't hear that. I’m going in with the actual spinal tap needle now.”

Ravi winces once again but after the last one this feels like a walk in the park. Of course it still hurts but its more of a pressure pain. He hold tight to Buck’s hand and stares at the bead on his bracelet, trying to remind himself of the good times he had. He does this in hopes that it will take his mind off the pain. 

Within 15 minutes shes taking the needle out of his back and patching up both incision sites. She takes her time being as gentle as possible but still does a thorough job. When she finishes she lets them know that Ravi has to lay down for 15-20 minutes. After that Shannon would be in with aftercare instructions and then they would be able to go home. When she leaves the room Buck takes the time to check in with his friend. 

“I know you’re not doing great physically and you’re doing that thing where you stare at a spot on the wall when youre struggling mentally, so all I'm going to ask is if you want to talk about it?”

”Not really. Maybe later but right now can we just exist? Like not do anything but sit?”

Buck frowns a bit but doesn't push Ravi further. “Yeah of course man.” 

“Actually there’s one thing. You know I just went through all of that and the results are even instant? Like I still have to wait with all the anxiety and ptsd and on top of it, I cant even come to work until the doctor clears me. That’s bullshit. I know it's not anyone’s fault that I can't go back to work and it makes sense but I'm still mad about it.”

”That does really fucking suck and it is bullshit. You’re having so much taken away from you right now and you're being forced to confront feelings you haven’t had in a while so I think it’s completely valid that you're angry. It’s not fair but you will absolutely get through this and all of us will be here with you every step of the way.” 

“I know you're going to tell me I don't need to thank you but really Buck, you don't understand how much this means to me. I don't think I could ever repay you for what you did today. So thank you, thank you for being such a good friend man.” 

“You dont have to thank me and you definitely do not have to repay me. You would’ve done the same thing if it was the other way around.”

Their conversation is cut off by an knock on the door and Shannon coming in with paper and what looks like a prescription bag. 

“Alright baby, I got you some discharge papers with basic instructions. No lifting, no soaking, and no strenuous activity for a few days. I also got you some pain meds but dont mix them with your fun time stuff tonight.”

The comment makes both men laugh but they promise they wont mix the drugs and Buck swears that he’ll keep an eye on him. 

“You are all set to go then. You can get dressed and then head on out.” She leans over and puts a hand on Ravi’s shoulder. “I know today was tough but you did good kid. Now go home and relax!” 

He gives her a soft smile and thanks her for her help and she leaves them alone once again. Buck helps Ravi get back into his sweatpants and wraps an arm around him as he stands up. Ravi leans on his friend as he limps out to the waiting room and out of the hospital. They get to the car and all Ravi can think about is the wait ahead of him for the results. Everytime the thought intrudes in his brain, he forces himself to hear Buck’s words. 

You will get through this and all of us will be here with you every step of the way. 

It’s another mantra from someone he loves that reminds him of so many things. That he is strong, and he is loved, he is a fighter, he is brave. So he adds that sentence to his list of things he tries to remember when he gets to that dark place. 

You are the bravest of the brave and the strongest of the strong my love. Never forget this

And that’s what we’re going to do for you Ravi. You’re going to tell us your plan and we’ll help you through it.

It’s going to be ok Ravi. We’re gonna do it all together. I pinky swear.

You were brave on your own, I just helped you realize it. 

You will get through this and all of us will be here with you every step of the way. 

He remembers these words and tells himself, no matter what happens, he's going to be ok.

Chapter Text

The weeks following Javi’s death flew past Ravi in a blur of emotions he doesn’t think will ever go away. There were days when all he could do was scream and cry and beg for his friend back. There were days that were the complete opposite. All he did was sit and stare at the wall in complete silence, almost comatose as he tried to process his loss. And then there were hospital days. Ravi’s treatment didn’t stop because his friend died. Dana convinced the doctor to give him a week off of appointments so he had time at home. Unfortunately Ravi was still in the middle of the maintenance portion of his treatment so appointments were inevitable. On those days he walked through the halls of LCH wearing a beanie that was Javi’s, hoping that no one asked how he was doing. 

He began to hate that question. He disliked it when he was first diagnosed because the answer was always bad. He’s in pain, toxins are coursing through his veins, and he’s bald at 9. Obviously he wasn’t doing well. Now though he hates it. He hates it with every fiber of his being because everytime someone asks him how he’s doing he wants to scream at them. He wants to scream and cry and say how much he hates his life. He hates that he still has to do treatment and that he can't go to school and that his best friend is dead. He hates the question because he really wants to say that he’s ready to give up. People don’t like hearing that though. They tell him things will get better and that he’ll be ok but they don’t know him. They don’t understand what he’s feeling and he hates when they dismiss his feelings with a “You got this Ravi, Everything will be ok!”. So Ravi just lies now. He answers with a simple “fine” and ends the conversation. If he doesn’t share his real feelings, he won’t have to listen to someone try to convince that things will get better. 

On one particular day of appointments, he was dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie that was too big on him. The hood was up and covering the gray beanie on his head that had a small leather patch that read “Love Your Melon”. Javi and him had matching ones and this one was his friend’s. Celia gave it to him after he passed away so Ravi had something that smelled like his friend and could provide him with at least some comfort. Dana saw him and knew what was going on in his head, so she made her way over to the boy and sat in the chair beside him. 

“Don’t ask the question.” Ravi says blatantly with no emotion. 

“Really? Come on you know me better than that. I just thought you needed someone to commiserate with.”

”I don’t even know what that means.”

”It’s like we get to be sad together. No trying to be strong or hold it together or lie about how we feel. We just be sad.”

”You want to be sad with me in the middle of the waiting room?”

”Yup. Unless you want to go somewhere else. If not we sit here, and we just get to be sad but at least we’re sad together.” 

Ravi thinks about Dana’s offer, running the possibilities through his head. If he would trust anyone with his feelings openly it would be her. She won’t lie to him or try to shove happy thoughts at him. She really would commiserate with him. 

”Can we go to a room and do that?” He turns to the woman. 

“Absolutely! I'm going to send a quick text to your mom and let her know I’m stealing you for a little.”

She pulls the phone out and quickly types a message to Priya and then leads Ravi down the halls of the hospital ending in a place he hasn't been before. This section of the hospital seems a lot quieter and there’s not many people around. 

“Where are we?”

Dana leads him into a room thats empty except for a fuzzy decorative rug in the middle of the floor and cabinets along the walls. Dana lays down on the carpet and looks up at the ceiling causing Ravi to look up too. On the ceiling there's a gorgeous circle light with a stunning swirl of colors blending into each other. With a single glance you can get lost in its captivating shine. 

“This is an old MRI consult room. They moved to the other side of the hospital and haven’t put anything new in so a bunch of us come here when we need to unwind. So, you lay on the floor and stare at the pretty light and you do whatever you need to do to feel better.” 

The boy lays down on the floor next to Dana and looks at the light for a while before saying something. 

“The funeral is on Friday, just close friends and family are invited. There’s a celebration of life on Saturday for everyone though.”

He doesnt know why this is the first thing he thinks to talk about but he mentions it anyway. 

”I know that’s going to be tough. You know I’m going to be at both right?”

”I didn’t know that but I’m glad you’ll be there. Javi really liked you. I’ll definitely appreciate you being there too. I don’t know if I'm ready for it though.”

”Thank you for saying that, Ravi. It really means a lot to me. Is there a specific thing you think you're not ready for?”

”I think all of it. I-i know I said my goodbyes and I know he’s gone but a funeral makes it feel real. Like he’s really not coming back.” His voice becomes a higher pitch towards the end as he does his best to hold back tears. 

”That makes sense. It’s like the last big hurrah for him. One where all the focus is just on Javi. I think it's ok that you feel like you're not ready for that to be over.”

“Celia said I can make a speech if I wanted to. You know, tell people about him and how important he was to me. S-she’s doing one too. I want to do it but what about after? Like you said, does life just go on? I tell everyone how much I loved him and then it's back to normal?”

Dana takes her eyes away from the light and turns to lay on her side facing Ravi. The boy looks at her with tears falling down the sides of his face. 

“Honey, no one expects you to go back to normal after. Everyone that knew the two of you, knew how close you were and not a single person would expect you to be fine after something like this.”

His voice begins to waver as he keeps talking. “I don’t even know what normal will look like. The after was already scary when it was just after cancer, now it's after cancer and Javi. We were supposed to figure it out together.” 

“I know it won’t be the same as having Javi but I’ll always be here for you. We can figure it out together. And if you don’t want that, there’s support groups for kids with cancer. We can find whatever help you want Ravi. There’s so many people that want to help you through this.”

”Maybe after the funeral. I can’t focus on moving on or figuring that stuff out yet.” 

He turns his body onto its side to face Dana, who’s still watching him as he speaks.

”Dana, does it ever stop hurting? Cause right now it doesn't feel like it's going to end a-and I feel like I'm drowning and I’m trying to fight to stay above water and its not working an-“ Ravi’s breathing is getting faster as the tears fall faster down his face. Dana shifts quick enough to pull the boy into her arms as the sobs rip through his body. 

“You know I wouldn’t lie to you baby and I don’t think the pain of losing someone ever goes away but you learn to live with it. You adapt to the pain and you show yourself what that looks like. I like thinking of it like the pain you feel is all the love you felt for the other person. At first you’re bursting with it because you don't know where to put it now that they're gone. As time goes on though, you figure out ways to honor them and show them that love so the pain doesn’t feel as bad. It’s still there but it’s bearable. And you keep doing that. You keep finding ways to keep their memory alive and release some of that love to them. Ravi, I’m here to help you with that and so are your mom and dad and Celia. We’re here for honey.” 

Dana is crying now too and Ravi has his arms gripped around her. He does his best to speak through his sobs. 

“I just miss him so much. I want him back here with me.”

”I know baby, I know.”

Dana keeps whispering comforting words to Ravi as she lets him fall apart in her arms under the scintillating light.

It’s the day of the funeral. The day that he, with Dana’s help, decided he would give a speech talking about his best friend. He’s standing in front of the mirror in a black suit, the bow tie still untied. His hair has begun to grow back, giving him a slightly grown out buzzcut look. His eyes are red and puffy but they’ve looked like that for awhile now and he knows he can’t change that today.

Today is the day you get to tell them about how much you love him. How he changed you. It’s going to hurt but you get to talk about Javi and that is a good thing. It is a good thing right?

While these thoughts run through his mind he misses his dad coming into the room, not realizing until there's 2 hands on his shoulders. His dad is in a matching black suit but with a tie that’s already tied. 

“Can I help you with this?” He asks, grabbing the bow tie around his neck.

Ravi quickly nods and turns around to face his dad. “Yes please.”

Hari kneels down in front of his son so they’re face to face and begins fiddling with the strings of the bow tie. He quickly ties it but stays kneeling while he talks to his son. 

”You know I'm so proud of you, Ravi right?”

”For what?” The boy asks confused, “I didn't do anything.”

”Oh but you did. Aside from fighting through cancer treatment and school and all that obvious stuff, I’ve seen you grow and adapt in ways that I don't think I would’ve been able to do at your age. You took everything life threw at you with grace. Even at your lowest points, when you were struggling so much,” tears start to well in his fathers eyes. “You were still that kind, loving, apologetic boy. Even though Javi’s passing has hurt you so much, you're still willing to go up in front of a bunch of people and tell them about how special Javi is. That takes so much bravery and poise Ravi and I'm just so proud of you, so proud to call you my son.” Both Panikkar boys are crying now as Hari wraps his arms around his son. 

Ravi’s words are stuck in the back of his throat as he grips on to his dad with tears streaming down his face. He’s able to choke out the words I love you to the man. 

“I love you too Rav. Now as much as I love having this time with you, we do have to get going. Are you ready?” 

Ravi pulls back from his dad and wipes at the tears on his face. “Can I have 5 minutes and then we go?” 

“Of course, bud. You’re mom and I will be outside whenever you’re ready.” He kisses Ravi on the head and then leaves the room, closing the door behind him. Ravi looks around the room and spots his notebook on the nightstand. It was one that he and Javi would write jokes in and draw pictures together and became the place where Ravi wrote his speech. He thought of it as an ending to the memories shared by the two boys in the book. He ran his fingers over the front cover that was littered with stickers of race cars and super heroes but also had a picture of the boys laughing in the center. He hugs it close to his chest and lets a few tears fall before he grabs Javi’s beanie and a hot wheels car and heads out the door. 

The Panikkars walk up to the church where the funeral is being held together but as they get to the stairs, Ravi pauses looking up at the building. The car is in his pocket, the beanie on his head, tears in his eyes and the notebook clutched to his chest. Seeing that he stopped, his parents turned around to check on him. 

“Do you need a minute before going in honey?” His mother has long since learned not to ask if he was ok, especially when she knows he's not. 

”Yes please.” Ravi sits down on the steps of the church with his parents on either side of him. He closes his eyes tight trying to stop the tears but he knows its not working. He leans into his dad who wraps an arm around him. 

“I know bud, I know. Today is going to be tough but we’re here for you.” His dad whispers to him. The boy’s eyes are still shut tightly when he hears another voice from behind them causing him to look back. 

”Oh my sweet boy, anything I can help with?” He immediately recognizes the voice as Celia’s. He turns and looks at her. She’s wearing a very pretty black dress with long sleeves and her hair is twisted into an intricate braid that falls over her shoulder. The woman has the same puffy red eyes as Ravi though. She has a broken look on her face too as she tries to paste on a smile to comfort the boy. 

It takes him a second to process his thoughts but he gets up from his spot and moves to her wrapping his arms around her waist. She hesitates for a split second before she returns the hug. 

“I just really miss him right now.” Ravi cries into her embrace, shoulders shaking with each sob. Celia very quickly matches his cries.

”Oh honey I do too. I miss him with everything in me.” She kisses the top of Ravi’s head as she holds the boy and for a split second she closes her eyes and pretends she’s hugging her son. The boys were so similar that it isn’t difficult to do. She knows that she can’t always do that though, so she cuts herself off from the thought. “There’s some stuff inside that I think will help some if you’d like to see it.” 

The boy looks up at her and nods his head as she reaches for his hand. He looks back to his parents who are right behind them. Before they head inside, Priya takes a second to pull her friend into a hug causing both women to quietly sob into each other's shoulders. When they break Priya reaches for her friend’s hand and Hari puts a hand on Ravi’s shoulder as the four of them walk up the stairs into the building. 

The big wooden doors open into a hallway that’s lined with tables and people there to support Celia and pay their respects to Javi. Ravi’s eyes quickly scan the room and stop on Dana fixing a picture frame on one of the tables. He walks towards her, linking his arm with hers and leaning on her side. He sees that the picture she was fixing was one of her and Javi building a Lego tower in the playroom at LCH. The same Lego tower is on display next to the frame. 

Dana shifts so her arm is around Ravi. “I really like this picture of us. We had a whole lot of fun that day.” Ravi is looking up at her and can see her try to smile at the photo staring back at her. 

“I like that picture too. You both look so happy.” The boy replies. 

“You know, there’s a bunch of pictures of you and him on these tables. We can go around and look at them together if you want.”

Ravi didn’t look around when he walked in, opting to find Dana first. When he finally does, he sees that the tables are lined with pictures and mementos from the entirety of Javi’s life. His bottom lip begins to wobble and he just nods his head to Dana. She leads him to the start of the tables and make their way through all of them. Dana was right. There were so many pictures of him and Javi. He smiled and laughed and cried as they went through all of them. In between the picture frames, Celia had added things that were important to her son. His favorite toys, snacks that he loved, books they would read over and over again, and even cds of his favorite songs. They stop at one picture of the 2 boys in matching spider-man pjs taken at Celia’s house when the boys had a sleep over. The pajamas are folded neatly next to the picture with a spider-man action figure on the other side. The boy runs his shaky hand over the soft fabric and thinks of the night the picture was taken. All the laughs they shared as they ate popcorn and stayed up late watching movies. Ravi grabs the pajamas holding them close to his chest, inhaling the scent of his best friend. Dana pulls him in, her arms tightly wrapped around the boy’s frail shaking body. As if she can sense her baby crying, Priya is next to them almost immediately and Dana hands Ravi over to her. 

The only good thing that came from Ravi losing so much weight during treatment was that Priya was able to scoop him up and hold him again. His head rests on her shoulders as he continues to cry with a death grip on the pjs. 

“I know my sweet boy, I know. I’m so so sorry. I’m sorry you have to feel all of this.” 

“I just want him back. I want Javi, mama!” His voice comes out in a whimper as he tries to get his point across. 

“I know, baby. I wish I could bring him back for you.”

She continues to hold her son, rubbing his head and whispering words of comfort until it’s time for the service to start. 

They move into the sanctuary and head towards the pews closest to the altar. Ravi is holding his mother’s hand and the spider-man action figure and his notebook in the other. They take their seats, Dana on one side of him and his parents on the other. Ravi’s eyes are roaming the church trying to focus on something other than his upcoming speech. He looks at everyone sitting around him. He recognizes some of them as the few members of the Gutierrez family. There’s also a doctor and a few other nurses from LCH and other people that he doesn’t recognize. His eyes then move to the stained glass windows lining the walls of the church. He takes in all the colorful shapes that tell a story, he doesn’t quite understand. Nevertheless he appreciates the shine they give off when the sunlight hits them. He quickly realizes that it reminds him of the light in the MRI room with Dana and smiles. 

Then he looks ahead of him. When Javier died it was explained to him that he would be cremated and that he would be put into a vase so that he would always be with Celia. At first he hated the thought of Javi’s body going through that process but now as he’s looking at the baby blue urn with cars and superhero symbols carved into the side he understands it. Having that there is the closest they can get to Javi being there with them. Keeping that in her house meant that Celia would always feel his presence and that made Ravi happy.

The service begins and before Ravi knows it, the priest is introducing him to the audience of people around him. He stands up with legs that feel like jelly as he walks up the steps with his notebook, spider-man, and the toy car in his hands. The priest helps Ravi onto a stepstool behind the podium and gives him a thumbs up signaling that he’s good to start. He opens his notebook and begins to read the words he wrote. 

“H-hi everyone. M-my name is Ravi Panikkar and Javier was my best friend. Everyone who knew us knew us as Javi and Ravi, cancer fighting superheroes.” He locks eyes with his mom and sees her give him a soft smile. “Um I wasn’t exactly sure what to say, but I recently learned some new words that I would like to tell you about. The first one is commiserating. Someone really important to me told me that it's when you get to be sad with other people. Like they know you're sad and they’re sad too so you get to be sad together. So I guess I'm telling you this because I want to say thank you for commiserating with me. 

The next one is soulmate. I already knew this one but someone explained to me that soulmates aren’t just for your boyfriend or girlfriend. Hearing that kinda gave it a new meaning for me. It can be for anyone that's important to you. When I heard that I cried a lot.” His voice became more high pitched at the end as the tears began to fall. He swallowed hard and tried his best to continue talking. “I cried because I didn't know Javi was my soulmate until he was gone. I didn't get to tell him that.” The boy lets out a sob that sends his mother running up to him at the altar. She tries to guide him back to his seat in the pew but he instead sits on the stairs. He looks up at his mom and she can tell there's not stopping him. She instead chooses to sit next to him holding his hand for the rest of his speech. 

“The day I met Javi was one of the best and worst days of my life. The worst because it was the day I was diagnosed but the best because I met my soulmate. Um Dana and I went into the playroom and Javi was playing with a hot wheels track. He was excited to see me and immediately asked me to play with him. Even when I started crying, he promised me that he would always be there for me. And he was. Anytime I needed him he was there and I was always there for him. We laughed a lot together and we cried a lot too. We knew we could trust each other with anything. He was just always there for me and I'm really going to miss having that.” He sets down his note book and holds the car up for everyone to see. “This is one of the cars Javi and I played with that day in the playroom.” He sees Dana’s hand move to cover her mouth and Celia looks away trying not to cry. Ravi stands up and walks back up the steps towards where the urn was sitting. He sets the car in front of it and then speaks directly to it. “I really really miss you Javi but I’m glad you don’t have to worry about chemo or meds or cancer anymore. I think I’ll probably miss you forever but it’s ok because you're my soulmate and soulmates always find each other again.” When he turns around he sees everyone staring at him and he hears muffled cries. His mother reaches for his hand to guide him back to his seat but before they go he speaks to the crowd one last time. 

“Thank you for letting me tell you about my best friend and for commiserating with me. I hope you all find your Javi one day.” 

Priya and Ravi walk hand in hand back to their seats where Celia stands to give Ravi a hug. He sees the tears staining her cheeks as she pulls him in and whispers in his ear. 

“That was perfect, Ravi. Thank you for sharing that with all of us.” 

When he pulls back he tries his best to smile at her and whispers back. “It was my pleasure.” 

He finally sits down and his dad and Dana quickly tell him how good he did before it’s Celia’s turn to speak. 

“First I wanted to start by thanking everyone for coming today. Javi and I didn't have a lot of people in our lives but everyone here made a difference for us. So just like my friend said,” she pauses and smiles at Ravi, “thank you for commiserating with me. 

“The day Javier was born was the greatest day of my life. I was a young single mom struggling to make ends meet but he made everything better. He was always a kind empathetic boy that knew exactly what to say in every single situation. He had a spirit that always found the positive in everything. Even when he was diagnosed. It took a lot to make that boy upset.” She smiles looking at the urn. “And even when he was upset, it never lasted for very long, because that’s who he was. From the day he was born, he was a happy boy. Before he passed he asked me to thank certain people in my speech for in his words “being superheroes to him.” The woman pauses to take a deep breath and wipe some tears from her eyes. “First to his teacher, Mrs. Browning thank you for going out of your way to make sure my baby had everything he needed to continue his education when being in school wasn’t an option. You made sure he was still included in the classroom and I will forever be grateful for that.”

“To Priya,” she takes a moment to make eye contact with her best friend. Priya’s hand goes over her mouth as she tries to muffle her cries. “Javi wanted to say thank you for always making sure his mami was ok. He knew that you and I shared a bond similar to his and Ravi’s. He also wanted to thank you for always having his favorite ice cream in the freezer when he came over.” She smiles as everyone lets out light chuckles. “I don’t know if I could’ve gotten through any of this without you. I will forever be grateful for you.”

“To Dana, oh Dana. Javi wanted to thank you for always being honest with him. For having those tough conversations and always knowing how to comfort him after them. You are a special kind of human, Dana. You were put on this earth for a very specific purpose and I think you found it. You change lives for the better every single day. I will forever be grateful for you.”

“To Ravi. I don't think I will ever be able to find the right words to thank you sweet boy. You came into his life and somehow made him brighter and happier. You and him were 2 halves of the same soul. Ravi, you brought so much happiness and pure joy to my son. I am so, so glad.” The woman begins to choke on her words but powers through as she faces Ravi. “I got to see the two of you just be boys together. When he was diagnosed I didn’t think he would get moments where he could just be a kid again. You gave him that. You changed his life and I will forever be grateful for you.”

Celia steps back from the podium and walks over to the alter where Javi’s urn is surrounded by toys, pictures and flowers. She picks up the car Ravi placed there and he can see her run her fingers over it.  

“Finally to my baby boy. I never thought that I would have to figure out how to live in a world without you. A world where I can’t be your mom.” Celia let out a soft cry and took a few seconds before continuing to talk to the urn that held every piece of the boy she brought into this world. “For 3,757 days I had the absolute pleasure of being your mom. 3,757 days with the light of my life. It sounds like a big number but mijo, let me tell you, it will never be enough for me. I wish we had so many more days Javi. I wanted so many more days filled with your laugh and your smile and even your grumpy attitude that always came up when you were hungry. I will spend the rest of my life missing those things about you. I’ll miss you when the first day of school comes around and I don't get to take a picture of you on the porch. I'll miss you when the next superhero movie comes out and I don't buy tickets for the midnight showing. I will miss you at every holiday celebration because you won't be there with me. I will miss you when your birthday comes around and you're not here to celebrate. For the rest of my life I will miss you in everything I do. Hasta la proxima vida Javier.” 

She kisses the top of the urn and turns to make her way back to her seat but is met half way by Dana and Priya. They wrap their arms around the woman as a sob emerges from deep in her chest. The 2 women hold her up and all Ravi can do is watch with his own tears falling. When they get her to her seat Ravi crawls over his mother to sit next to Celia, grabbing the hand that’s not wiping her tears. Neither of them says anything. The tears keep falling as the service goes on, but they don't dare to let go of each other. 

That night Ravi wanted to do something to remind him of the good times he had with Javi. He kept thinking about Dana’s words, you figure out ways to honor them and show them that love so the pain doesn’t feel as bad. The pain felt unbearable so he told his parents about what Dana said. In turn, they went to the store and bought Javi’s favorite moose tracks ice cream. They helped Ravi find the matching spider man pjs and they snuggled on the couch to watch spider man 2. That was the first night in what felt like forever that Ravi slept well. 

He woke up knowing today was going to be hard too but it was going to be more bearable. Yesterday was for their final goodbyes but today was for celebrating. They were celebrating everything that Javi did in his short time on earth. They would celebrate with all the things he loved and they were doing it in his favorite place. They were celebrating that Javi never has to go to a doctor's appointment again. He never has to get his port accessed and he never has to get chemo. He never has to get scans and never has to go to sleep and wake up sore after a bone marrow biopsy. He never has to get a ng tube or worry about nosebleeds again. So they are sad that he's not with them anymore but so so so happy that he is cancer free now and they’re absolutely going to celebrate that. Today Ravi was excited. He knew he would probably cry again and he would have some bad moments but he was so ready to celebrate his best friend. So he quickly put on his incredibles swimming trunks and a random t-shirt and rushed his parents out the door. 

They get to the beach pretty quickly and begin helping with the setup of the celebration. Celia let Ravi help with a lot of the planning because it helped take his mind off the sad stuff. Plus Ravi knew all the things that Javi loved best. There were red and blue balloons because those are Javi’s favorite colors. There were plenty of games to play for anyone that didn't want to swim. Ravi made sure there were options because Javi usually got cold if he was in the water too long. There were turkey sandwiches, chicken empanadas and cheddar cheese chips because those were Javi’s favorite foods. Ravi’s favorite addition though were bracelets that said “Live like Javi”. A subtle reminder to live with joy, love, happiness, and empathy in everything you do, just like Javi did. Ravi ran around the beach setting up what he could and when people started to arrive he made sure everyone got a bracelet.  

The celebration started with Celia thanking everyone for coming to celebrate Javi’s life and quickly turned into everything that Javi wanted. There were doctors and nurses from LCH, his friends from school, kids that both boys played with in the hospital. Everything was perfect. 

About halfway through the party Ravi sat on his beach towel and looked around at everything going on. He was taking in all the people that were here because they loved his best friend. He looked around him and smiled as tears ran down his cheeks. This is everything Javi wanted and he helped make that happen. 

It’s not long before Celia comes and sits in the sand next to him. She reaches for his hands when she sees that he's crying. 

“Thank you for helping me plan this. I think it’s the perfect way to celebrate Javi.” She smiles at the boy. 

”I think so too. He would’ve loved having a beach party like this. He told me once that he wanted to have one when we finished treatment.” 

”Yeah? I didn't know that. We’ll have to have another party when you finish your chemo then.”

Ravi is staring out into the water, watching the waves rise and fall into each other over and over again as his smile fades. ”I never wanted to finish without him. We were supposed to do it together. I don't think I want to celebrate when I finish chemo cause it won’t feel right without him.” The tears are flowing more freely down the boys cheeks.

Celia gives his hand a gentle squeeze as she begins to talk. “I understand if you don't want to but I think Javi would want you to. Even if it's something small. Maybe me and Dana can meet you and your parents here and we can have a cake and we’ll bring a picture of Javi so he's there with us. Just a little celebration to recognize how strong you are. To celebrate you getting through every hard thing that was thrown at you Ravi. You are a brave boy that deserves to be celebrated.”

“Maybe. I really wish it wasn’t just me celebrating though. I wanted him to be there with me.” Ravi takes his eyes off the ocean and looks at Celia who’s listening intently at everything the boy is saying. “I’m really going to miss him being with me.” 

She puts her arm around the boy who leans into her side, both of them looking at the ocean now. “I’m going to miss that too. I knew we would miss him being with us so I had something very special made.” She reaches into the pocket of her coverup and pulls out a blue velvet bag that she opens to reveal two bracelets. She hands one to Ravi and he runs his fingers over the braided leather. “Do you remember when we talked about cremation and what was going to happen with Javi’s body?

The boy nods his head and Celia continues. “Well, when people are cremated sometimes people use the ashes to make things so they feel closer to the person they lost. That bead in the center of the bracelet,” she points to a black bead with a small J carved into it. Ravi runs his finger over it and looks up at Celia, knowing what she’s going to say next. “That bead has some of Javi’s ashes mixed into it. I had them made as a reminder for you. It’s a reminder that he will always be with you. As long as you have this, you’ll always have a piece of him. You will never be alone Ravi.” 

The boy puts the bracelet on and shifts onto his knees, throwing his body into hers as the tears pour down his face. 

“Thank you so much. Thank you for giving me a piece of him.” His words come out in whimpers through his tears. 

“You’re welcome mijo. I know getting through this is going to be hard but I don’t want it to keep you from living. I hope this bracelet helps you to heal and feel happy again in everything you do.” She pulls back from the hug so she’s face to face with Ravi. “You are an amazing young man and you are going to do amazing things one day and when you do you’ll look at that bracelet and you’ll know that Javi is right there with you. That you have a guardian angel looking down on you smiling because he's so proud of you.” 

“I think I want to help people when I get older. Maybe a doctor, or a police man, or a firefighter. That way I can be a real life superhero and make Javi really proud. A-and I’ll always wear the bracelet that way Javi gets to be a superhero too.” Celia lets out a laugh and smiles at the boy through her tears at the thoughtfulness coming from a grieving 10 year old.

”I think he would really love that. Thank you again for being such a good friend and now for helping me keep his memory alive.” 

He sat back down next to her, her arm reaching out the same way it was before, and they looked out at the water. 

“Thank you for letting me know him.” 

They didn’t say anything else for a while. They continued looking out at the ocean, listening to the crashing waves, seeing the sun shine, and watching the clouds breeze by, knowing that Javi is somewhere out there in a great beyond. They won’t see his face, but they’ll see him in every sunset, in every shooting star, and every rainbow they find. He may not be with them physically but he will always be with them. Ravi smiled at the thought and knew that he would never be alone. 

Chapter Text

1 week. It’s been 1 week since Ravi and Buck spent the day at the hospital doing tests to see if his cancer has returned. Today is the day they find out the results. Buck and Eddie graciously let him spend the night at their house. Buck knew that Ravi wasn’t in the best headspace and didn't want a repeat breakdown, like the one he walked in on. Ravi knew that was the reason they offered but there was no way he was turning it down. He needed to be around people right now. Anything to take his mind off of the impending doom he’s been stressing over. 

Ravi wakes up to the smell of cinnamon rolls and soft giggles coming from the kitchen. He stands from his makeshift bed on the couch and follows the smell. He finds Chris sitting on the counter helping Buck cut up fresh fruit. When he walks in Chris turns to him with the biggest smile on his face.

”Ravi! You’re awake! Buck and I made cinnamon rolls and now were making smoothies! Do you wanna help?” 

Ravi can’t help but smile at the boy. “Of course I want to help! What kind of smoothies are we making?” He takes a seat on the stool next to Chris and starts peeling some bananas. The 3 of them laugh and joke around and soon enough Eddie joins them. Once the strawberry Banana smoothies are made, the men all sit around the table together to eat. 

“Buck and Dad said you have a doctor's appointment today Ravi. Are you sick?” Chris asks innocently before biting into his cinnamon roll. Buck and Eddie both stare at the boy and Eddie quickly jumps in to try and ease the tension. 

“Mijo, I don’t think Ravi wants to talk about that right now.” He says in a gentle voice but Ravi cuts him off.

”It’s ok, I don’t mind. I had some tests done last week and today I’m going to get the results that tell me if I’m sick or not.” He smiles. 

Yeah that was good. A nice kid friendly way to say that. Dana would be proud.

“Well I hope you’re not sick. That would suck a lot.” The child says matter of factly.

The three men laugh at the simple response Chris gives with Ravi again giving the response.

”It would definitely suck but we’re going to hope for the best!” The grin doesn’t leave his face and he thinks about how different his morning would’ve been if he woke up in his apartment. He would have spiraled and cried and thought the worst about everything. Instead he’s at Buck and Eddie’s enjoying the company of their 12 year old and saying he hopes for the best. Not that he fears for the worst. Will he get to that point later? Probably, but for now he eats his cinnamon roll, drinks his smoothie and revels in the hope. 

They stand in front of the hospital building as Ravi looks up at the towering size, thinking about how his fear is larger. The hope from the morning is fading as they get closer and closer to the entrance. The past month has already proven that cancer can turn his world upside down and there isn’t even a confirmed diagnosis. Just the possibility has taken his ability to go to work, destroyed his mental health, made him feel so alone, and has reminded him of everything he could lose. He looks up at the building and his heart begins to race as his breathing becomes more rapid. He quickly tries to blink away the forming tears and wipes his eyes when that's not enough. Buck and Eddie, who were standing back to give him a moment, walk over and Buck wraps an arm around his shoulder. Eddie puts a hand on his back and both men stand in silence with him, letting him share his feelings when he’s ready. When Ravi realizes this is their plan, he turns his body towards Buck and pulls the man into a hug. Buck quickly returns the hug with a firm, comforting grip on Ravi and Eddie rubs his hand up and down Ravi’s back. Both men feel his shaky breaths as he tries to regulate his breathing and will himself not to cry. 

The silence between them is broken by a voice that instantly causes Ravi to look up from where his head was on Buck’s chest. 

“Anything we can help with?” Hen asks with a gentle hand on his shoulder. 

Ravi is forced to bite his bottom lips to control his tears when he looks up to see not only Hen, but also Bobby, Chim and Maddie, all there to support him. He sent an update to the group chat with the appointment time but didn't think everyone would show up.

“Y-you all came?” He says choking on the words. 

Maddie closes the gap between them, grabbing his hand as she responds, “We wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

”We don’t know what's going to happen in there today but we do know that you won’t be alone for it. No matter what happens we'll be here Ravi.” Bobby tells him. Any possibility of slowing down the tears gets thrown out the window when Bobby says this. Ravi chokes out a cry and is quickly surrounded in a group hug. 

After they take some time to calm Ravi down, they all make their way into the hospital and up to the 3rd floor oncology waiting room. They pick a corner with enough seats for all of them while Ravi and Buck check in. They make their way to the others but before they sit down they hear a voice behind them. 

”I have to say I'm pretty happy to see the body guard is back. Wanna scare some other doctors for me kid?” They turn around and see Shannon smiling at them.

Ravi and Buck both laugh at the comment and the rest of the 118 looks at them confused. “If they deserve it I absolutely don't mind at all.” Buck smiles at her. 

”I know at least one that always does.” She winks at him. “Now who else do we have here, kiddo?” She puts a hand on Ravi’s shoulder and looks genuinely interested in hearing about his loved ones. He excitedly starts introducing her to everyone. 

“Well you know Buck, this is his boyfriend Eddie. Then there’s Hen, Chimney, and Bobby and Maddie who is Buck’s big sister and Chimney’s wife. We all work at the same station and Maddie is a 911 dispatcher.” He proudly exclaims to her. He tilts his head a little when he looks at them again and says “They’re my family.” 

She smiles at him and then looks to everyone, “I’m so glad I got to meet all of you. I only spent a bit of time with your boys but I can tell you they’re good people.” 

Bobby is the one that responds to her. “Trust me, we know we lucked out with those two. Though I'm a little concerned about how Buck got the nickname the body guard.” 

The comment sends Ravi, Buck and Shannon into a fit of giggles at the thought of Buck scaring the doctor. “I’m sure they’ll tell you the story sometime. I have to get back to work but it was nice meeting you guys!” Shannon tells them. Before she walks away. Ravi takes his seat next to Maddie and smiles at the people around him. Buck has already started to tell them about the interaction that got him the body guard nickname. Instead of thinking about that day though, Ravi is thinking about what Shannon just did for him. She was only with them for a few minutes but she gave him the opportunity to talk about the people he loves. Just like when Buck let him talk about Javi. They both somehow knew that letting him talk about his loved ones would help him calm down, even if it's just for a few minutes. He messes with the bead on his bracelet and thinks about how thankful he is for these small moments during all of this. 

He pulled out of his thoughts when he hears another woman’s voice. 

“Ravi Panikkar?”

His stomach drops. His heart begins to race again. He zones out and is only pulled back by Maddie’s voice talking to him. 

“Hey, it’s going to be ok. You have to go see the doctor now though. One of us can go with you if you want. Whatever will help you.”

“No. N-no its ok. I’ll go by m-myself.” He goes to stand and his legs feeling like they’ll collapse underneath him.

“Ravs, I don't mind coming with you. You dont have to do it alone.” Buck looks at him with sympathy and urgency.

”Not this time, Buck. I-i’ll be ok. I swear.” Everyone is looking at him with worry and panic on their faces. They all know that this meeting isn’t something he should be going into alone. However Ravi knows that if he is given a diagnosis again, he wants time before he’s bombarded with everyone’s reactions to the news. He knows they don’t mean it but everyone makes the same face when someone is diagnosed with cancer. He’s seen it many times before, the pity eyes, the shock, the tears, and the inevitable treating him like he's going to break. He knows that he’ll inevitably have to comfort them too. So just this once, he wants to go in alone. 

“Ravi, please let me come. I just want to be there for you.” Buck is begging at this point. He’s been with Ravi at his lowest points this last month. He’s been there for the breakdowns and the pain and he knows how Ravi’s been reacting to all of this. There’s a level of fear in Buck’s eyes and it breaks Ravi’s heart to see it. 

“Buck, I’m sorry, I know you want to help but I need to do this alone.” He walks away knowing if he looks at his friend, both of them would probably cry. As he’s walking towards the woman he hears Eddie say “don’t” and assumes Buck was trying to follow anyway. 

“Hi I’m Ravi.” He says to the woman and she smiles at him. 

“Hi I’m Cassie! I’m going to take you to a room and then Dr. Stephens will be in to go over the results with you.” He smiles at Cassie and then follows her down the hallway to the exam room and he pauses when he sees it’s 311. The same number as his first room at LACH all those years ago. The same room he and Javi talked about the boy’s inevitable death in. He doesn’t know if he should take it as a good or bad sign so he does his best to ignore it. 

“Ok I’m going to let you get settled in and Dr. Stephens will be in shortly.” Cassie smiles at him and he does his best to put on a fake smile as he thanks her. She leaves the room, closing the door behind her. 

Then he’s left alone with only his thoughts. 

What am I going to do if the cancer is back? I have to tell mom and dad when I leave here. I have to tell them it’s back. 

Tears begin to well up in his eyes that he shuts tightly. 

I have to quit my job. I won’t be able to see my family all the time anymore. 

His leg is bouncing uncontrollably and his hands are shaking. 

I’m going to be the kid with cancer again. No I’ll be the man with cancer now.

He digs his nails into his thighs to try and stop shaking.

Am I going to die from this?

He’s pulled out of his thoughts by a knock on the door. He feels like he’s going to throw up. He quickly wipes the tears from his face and yells “c-come in!”

The person that he sees has him jumping up and pulling them into a hug with tears in his eyes. The woman is older, her hair starting to gray and wrinkles becoming more prominent but she still has the same smile on her face that Ravi remembers from so long ago.

“Oh honey I missed you so much. I volunteer to sit with patients when they're receiving results. I saw your name on the schedule and came right over.”

“Oh my God, I’m so glad to see you Dana. I’m so fucking scared.” 

“I know baby, I know. I’m here though. You know I won’t leave if you don’t want me to.” She rubs his back and Ravi feels like he’s 9 years old again and Dana is explaining what his treatment is going to look like. Her voice is still as calming as it was 17 years ago. 

“Come on Ravs, let's sit down and you can tell me what's going on.” She guides him back to the chairs and intently listens as he explains all the symptoms he's been having and all the tests he’s had done. He lets her know that this is the appointment when he gets the results. 

“Ravi, I’m so sorry you’ve been going through all of this. Where are your parents? They’re not letting you do this all alone are they?” She has tears in her eyes too at the thought of Ravi relapsing but also the thought of him doing it by himself. 

“You’re going to kill me when I say this but they don't know.” He takes a deep breath in between sentences. “I didn’t want to tell them unless it was an actual relapse. They don’t need to experience the trauma all over again unless the cancer is actually back.”

’Honey, they’re your parents. You know they would want to be here, relapse or not. The trauma will always be 10 times worse for you and you shouldn’t be going through this alone.”

He digs his teeth into his lip thinking about what Dana is telling him. He tells himself he doesn’t regret his decision to not tell his parents. “I already caused them enough pain with all of this cancer stuff. I’ve seen the hurt and fear in their eyes when I was diagnosed and I know the trauma my diagnosis caused them. I'm not doing it again unless I know for sure. Plus, I'm not alone.” He smiles thinking of his team in the waiting room. “I have a whole crew of people that've been with me through all of this. They’re actually out in the waiting room now.” 

“Ravi, you act like you chose to cause the pain. You didn’t purposely get cancer just to traumatize them. None of it was your fault and I hate that you think that about what you’ve been through.” She wipes away tears on her face. “People that love you will always want to be there for you, even if it brings up bad memories.”

”I know, I just- I know people would still be here. I know because they are already here. Buck and Maddie, my friends out in the waiting room, their brother died from leukemia and they’re still here and Chim lost his mom to cancer too and E-Eddie hates hospitals because they remind him of his late wife and Hen has been on edge since I first told her about my diagnosis and Bobby has lost 2 kids already and I heard him tell his wife that he’s scared he’s going to lose another if I relapse. So I know people would still be here. I just- If I can save my parents some pain and heartache I’m going to do that. A-and I know that my friends will support me the same way my parents would.”

The woman sighs before responding. “I’m very glad that you have people here to support you. However, I do think you should’ve told your parents. I won’t keep scolding you though. Instead, I want to know what you’re up to these days.” She offers him a soft smile and he perks up at the change in conversation.”

”I mean aside from the stress and panic attacks this has caused,” he chuckles and Dana rolls her eyes. “I’m a firefighter now, at station 118.” He smiles when he sees her face light up.

”So you’re telling me little Ravi became a real life superhero?” They both have the widest grins on their face and Ravi looks down at his hand spinning the bead on his bracelet.

”Well duh, you know Javi wouldn’t have it any other way. I had to make sure I lived up to the superhero name.” 

“I bet he is so proud of you Ravi. I know I am.” 

“You know I still miss him. Sometimes I wonder what my life would look like if he didn’t die.” The smile fades a little, but doesn’t fully go away when he turns to look at Dana.

”I miss him too. I think its normal to have thoughts like that though. Wondering how different things would be. I’m sure he would be doing something amazing just like you though.” 

“Yeah. He definitely would. Maybe we could’ve worked at the same station together. I think that would be pretty great.” 

“I don’t know if one station can handle the craziness of you two together.” She jokes with the man. 

“I don’t know about that, my captain deals with me, Buck and Eddie so I think he could’ve handled me and Javi.” He laughs. He continues filling Dana in on everything going on in his life, from work, to frolf and everything in between. Just like she always did, Dana listens intently to every word. Eventually the conversation is cut off by a knock at the door. The color drains from Ravi’s face and his hands begin to shake again as he says, “Come in!”. Dr. Stephens enters the room and shakes Ravi’s hand before taking a seat at the computer.

“Hey Ravi, it's nice to see you again. How have you been feeling?” He knows the doctor has to ask this but he would rather just hear the results. 

“Uh, I've just been pretty tired lately. I’ve had a couple nosebleeds but nothing too crazy I guess. Honestly the anxiety has been worse than anything else.”

”That’s completely understandable. We can get right into the results if you’d like.” He offers. Ravi looks at Dana who squeezes his hand. 

“Yes please. That would be great.” 

“Ok we’ll start with your repeat labs. They still show that you’re severely anemic which is obviously a problem.”

Ravi’s grip tightens on Dana’s hand and he feels like he's going to throw up. 

“W-what about my bone marrow?” He forces out. His chest feels tight and he doesn’t know if he’s still breathing. 

The doctor smiles at him. “Completely clear along with your spinal fluid. There’s no evidence of relapse, Mr. Panikkar.”

“Oh my God” his hand flies over his mouth as he lets out a cry. Dana immediately lets go of his hand and wraps her arms around him. Both of them can’t control the cries they let out. It’s not cancer. The leukemia isn’t back. He doesn’t have to fight again. He lets out a breath that he doesn’t know how long he was holding. 

“I’m s-sorry I was just so scared that something was wrong. It’s just really good to hear that's not it.”

”No need to apologize Ravi. I would be the same way if I was in your shoes. Now we still need to address the anemia.” 

With the news of it not being a relapse, Ravi completely forgot the beginning of this conversation. He forgot that something still has to be causing the symptoms he's been experiencing. He finds it weird that now in his head, instead of getting overwhelmed, he feels confident that whatever is wrong, he can get through it. He can tackle whatever is thrown at him because it's not a relapse. He tries to slow the tears and heavy breathing to ask his next question.

“Ok. Do we know what's causing it?”

”Unfortunatly we don’t have a direct cause of the anemia. However, there doesn’t need to be one. The treatment you received as a child can have life long side effects and though it's rare, they can come up years later like yours. So in my professional opinion, this is just a side effect of your treatment.”

“So I’m just anemic now? Can I still work with this?” He asks, concerned the answer will be no. 

“Absolutely. I’m going to write you a prescription for iron pills that you’ll have to take everyday and I want to see you again in a week to make sure they’re working. After that though, I don’t see why going back would be an issue.” Dr. Stephens smiles at him knowing that's exactly what Ravi wanted to hear. The younger man would like to go back tomorrow but he’ll wait the week. As long as he gets to go back. 

“Thank you so much.” Ravi can't control any of his emotions right now and again has tears streaming down his face. “Really, you’ve been great through all of this and I really appreciate that.”

”It’s no problem. I’m glad I could help. Now I believe Shannon took your family to a private waiting area. I can have her meet you there with the first dose of pills and then you should be all set to go home. And I'll see you at the same time next week.” 

“That sounds perfect to me.” Ravi smiles, the tears finally slowing. It’s really clicked for him that he's going to be ok. At this moment he wants nothing more than to see his friends. 

They say their goodbyes and Dana walks with him to the waiting area where the 118 is. The room has a glass wall so when he looks in he sees Buck pacing in the corner with his hand over his mouth. Eddie is looking at the ceiling with his hand wrapped around his medallion. Maddie’s eyes are puffy and Chim has an arm around her while he kisses her head. Hen has her phone out and is reading something with fear in her eyes. Ravi assumes she’s doing research on relapsed Leukemia. Then his eyes settle on Bobby who’s leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, with a rosary in his hands. He can't make out the words but he knows that Bobby is saying every possible prayer for him. He looks at them and thinks about how he inadvertently caused this pain. His situation caused them pain. They are upset because they care so much about him and they hate seeing him hurt. Ravi hears Dana’s voice in his head. 

People that love you will always want to be there for you, even if it scares them or upsets them

He knows that no matter what, the 118 will always want to be there for him even when it’s scary. Right now, he gets to take away that scariness for them. So he rushes into the room with Dana in tow. All eyes are on him, looking for any sign that something is wrong. Before they can say anything a smile spreads across his face as he yells. 

“NO RELAPSE BABY!” 

Immediately Buck runs to him, lifting the younger man in a hug and spinning him around. Eddie and Chim are cheering while the others are crying tears of joy. They take turns pulling the youngest member of their team in for bone crushing hugs. He gets to Bobby and during their hug Ravi hears him whisper something just to him. 

“You scared me kid, but God I’m so glad you’re ok.” There’s a slight waver in his voice and Ravi knows his captain is holding back tears. Both men release from their embrace when Buck excitedly starts asking questions.

”So you’re all good now? When can you come back?” He then turns to Dana who’s standing at the door smiling at the interactions occurring in front of her. “Are you one of Ravi’s nurses? If so, thanks for taking care of him! Wait, can you come back tomorrow? A-shift has a 48 so we would be able to update you on all the stuff that happened while you were gone and-“ Eddie interjects before Buck could continue his tangent.

”Amor, let him answer the first questions and then you can tell him the drama.” He laughs and realization spreads across Buck’s face.

”That makes sense. So are you all good now?” He looks at Ravi hopeful. He hasn’t been able to stop smiling since he came into the room. 

“Almost. Turns out when poison is injected into your blood stream as a child, you can develop side effects later on in life which is exactly what is going on with me. Ya boy is just super anemic and has to start taking iron pills. I can come back after I’ve been on them for at least a week and my bloodwork comes back normal. Also this is Dana! She was my nurse when I was first diagnosed and all through treatment. She's the greatest human I've ever met.” 

Eddie, Buck and Chim start cheering again. Buck also makes his way to Dana to offer a hug, because if she helped Ravi in any way with this, then he thought she deserved one. She happily returns the hug as Hen tries to calm the others down. “Guys this is still a hospital, you can’t keep yelling like that!”

Bobby chimes in saying, “Agreed, you guys gotta calm down. However, I will be hosting a barbecue at my place on Friday to celebrate this amazing news! Dana, we would love it if you could join us!”

She looks at the hopeful smile on Ravi’s face and she answers Bobby. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” 

”I can make a bunch of desserts! Oh maybe I can make cupcakes with yellow frosting because the color of childhood cancer awareness is gold and that's the closest I think I could get!” Buck immediately offers. Tears begin to well in Ravi’s eyes when he realizes that Buck did the research to know the color associated with childhood cancer awareness. 

“I like that idea a lot, Buck. Maybe I can come over and help you?” Ravi offers, knowing Buck would appreciate the time spent with him. 

“That would be great!” Somehow the smile on Buck’s face grew at Ravi’s comment. 

“Ok team, I think we should get going if you're all set, Ravi. We can figure out the rest of the planning in the group chat.” Bobby says, trying to wrangle his crew.

Before they have time to respond, Shannon comes into the room with 2 small red pills in a cup and a bottle of water. As well as a small paper bag underneath her arm. 

“Dropping off some iron pills for you kiddo. Got your prescription all set too! Also it is safe to take with some other things you’ve mentioned before.” She winks as she hands the cup and water to Ravi who quickly pops the pills into his mouth. He takes a sip of the water and is met with Chim cheering again.

”Hell yeah Ravs!!!! You take that iron pill and show that anemia who’s the boss!” 

With that everyone erupts into laughter and a look of excitement flashes across Buck’s face.

“Oh my God! Shannon, you should come to the barbecue! We’re celebrating Ravi not relapsing and Dana is coming too!”

”Well how can I say no to my favorite body guard?” She smiles as she talks to Buck.

They all exchange information so that Ravi can send them an address for the barbecue before heading out. As the 118 is leaving, almost everyone in a much lighter mood, Ravi notices Maddie at the back of the group. He slows his walking so he’s next to her. She reaches out and links her arm with his, smiling up at him. 

“I know this must’ve been really hard for you, Maddie. I can’t imagine the type of memories it brought up. I really appreciate you being here though.” He’s talking quietly enough for only her to hear. She smiles at him as silent tears fall down her cheeks. 

“Ravi, you were the one that had cancer. This is the hardest on you, not me.” 

“Yeah but just because it’s harder for me, doesn’t mean it can't be hard for you.” He offers, as he tries to reason with her. He sees her bottom lip begin to wobble.

”Well, I guess that’s true. I uh, I think it just reminded me how much I miss my big brother.” She responds with her voice cracking at the end. 

Hearing this causes tears to fall down Ravi’s face as well. “You know, I lost my best friend when I was 10 from cancer. This whole thing made me realize how much I miss him too, but when Buck told me about Daniel,” He pauses trying to steady his breathing. “I felt better because I knew Javi had a Buckley sibling up there to keep him company, just like me having you and Buck. I really fucking wish they didn’t have to leave us, but I find so much comfort in them being together.” 

Maddie immediately pulls Ravi into a hug, both of them crying into each other's shoulders. “Thank you Ravi. Thank you so much for telling me he isn’t alone.” Ravi and Maddie have come to realize that they can confide in each other and know that the other person understands their feelings. Not just because they know cancer is hard, but because they saw the effects first hand. They both have seen it take people they love and they’ve both experienced it all as children. Though the situations were different, they still were able to bond over their similar trauma and grief. That was something they would both, forever, be thankful for.

The sound of their cries have now caught the attention of the rest of the group. Chimney is at Maddie’s side in seconds, trying to coax her out of Ravi’s arms, but neither of them are letting go. When he realizes this, Chimney opts to rub her back and keep whispering how much he loves her. Bobby and Buck are on Ravi’s similarly trying to remind him that he is loved and he is going to be ok. Neither Maddie or Ravi can explain the grief they’re experiencing to them, so instead of forcing them to talk, they help the 2 of them to the cars, ending the night at the Buckley-Han house.

The day of the barbecue has come and Ravi could not be more excited. He’s only been on the iron pills for a few days now but he swears he’s already feeling better. Maybe it's the pills, maybe it's the fact that he doesn’t have the weight of a relapse crushing him. Either way, he’s feeling great and he’s ready to be around all of his friends. He quickly got dressed, slid on his bracelet, and ran out the door, making his way to Bobby and Athna’s house. 

Ravi has been to a countless number of barbecues at the Grant-Nash house but this one was different. Not because they were celebrating him, but because it's coming after some of the hardest months he’s experienced. This time was filled with breakdown after breakdown, never ending anxiety, and PTSD that took a severe toll on him. He feels like can breathe now though and that is worth celebrating. 

He gets to the front door and rings the bell as he waits with a smile on his face. Athena greets him by pulling him into a hug and then leading him to the backyard. When he reaches the outside his hand covers his mouth as he bursts into tears. Standing with the entire 118 is not only Dana and Shannon, but his parents and Celia as well. Priya, seeing her son cry, runs over and wraps her arms around him, as she’s done so many times before. Bobby is the first to say something. “I hope it's ok, Dana and I invited a few extra people.”

He can’t manage words but he nods his head as he cries in his mother’s arms, her hand running through his hair like she did when he was younger. His dad comes and wraps his arms around both of them. At that moment Ravi realizes how badly he needed a hug from his parents during this last months. He needed the security that only comes when your mom wraps her arms around you and tells you everything will be ok. He struggles to speak but still attempts it. “I-I’m sorry mama, I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I just-I didn't want to upset you.”

Priya pulls away from the hug so Ravi is looking directly at her. She cups her hands around his face as tears fall down both of their cheeks. ”Oh my sweet boy, you don’t need to apologize. We just want you to tell us what’s going on no matter how upsetting it is.” 

Hari adds to her sentiment. “We want you to come to us for anything Ravi, anything at all.”

Ravi nods again before pulling his parents in for another hug. When he’s finished he looks around to see that, not only was he surprised with extra guests, but they decorated the outdoor space with gold ribbons, balloons, and streamers. Everyone went all out to show their support for him. He then goes to Bobby, thanking him over and over again through his tears. “Kid you don't have to thank me, you deserve a celebration after all that you’ve been through.” He says as he runs his hand up and down Ravi’s back. 

After that, Chimney announces that the party is officially starting and turns on music causing everyone to smile. Buck however, knows that Ravi probably needs a few minutes inside to regroup. He walks over to the man and puts a hand on his shoulder. 

“Hey Ravs can you help me with something inside quick? I swear you can get right back to the party after.”  

“Yeah of course man.” Ravi responds and they both head through the patio doors. 

“You ok?” Buck asks softly, not wanting to pry too much.

”That was just a lot. It was all good, great actually. I just- I really love you guys so much.” The tears begin to sting his eyes again. “I don’t think I will ever be able to thank you enough, Buck. You have been my rock during all of this and I really love you man.” Buck has tears falling down his cheeks as he pulls Ravi in for a hug. 

“I would do it all a million times over Ravs. Like I said, I-I couldn't be there for my older brother, but I sure as hell was going to be there for my younger one.” 

While the men are trying to stop the tears, the patio door slides open and Celia and Maddie join them in the living room. 

“Mind if we join you?” Celia asks, smiling at Ravi. The man pulls away from Buck and immediately hugs the woman. 

“I’m so happy to see you Celia. I missed you so much.” 

“I missed you too mijo. I’m so glad to see you’re doing well. I was told your team has something they’d like to give you if that's ok?” She looks back at Maddie, who’s holding an envelope, and she smiles. 

“You guys didn't have to get me anything.” He quickly responds, slightly confused.

”Well it’s not exactly for you.” Maddie says. “Also I think everyone would appreciate it if you opened this outside.” She says as she hands the envelope over to Ravi. He’s even more confused but he agrees and they all go back outside. Chimney pauses the music and then announces to the group. “Hey guys I think Ravi is gonna read the super secret envelope note!”

Everyone pauses their conversations and turns towards Ravi, who is even more confused now. He looks at Buck, who chose to stay by Ravi’s side, and he’s given a soft smile. “Read it out loud.” He says.

Ravi opens the letter and immediately tries to wipe away the tears. The letter head says Los Angeles Children’s Hospital, the hospital that saved his life. Buck puts a hand on his shoulder as Ravi begins to read it aloud. 

“Dear friends at Fire station 118, On behalf of the oncology department at Los Angeles Children’s hospital, we would like to thank you for your generous donation in honor of fi-“ He chokes on his words as he tries to continue reading. “firefighter Ravi Panikkar, and in mem-. Oh my god” The man breaks down into sobs, his mother walking over to comfort him. Not able to read anymore, he hands the letter to Buck who continues. Buck knows what the letter says but it doesn’t stop him from also choking on certain words. 

“And in memory of Javier Gutierrez and D-daniel Buckley.” He pauses as he tries to swallow his cries. Ravi chooses to look at Celia who has silent tears falling down her face and a hand over her mouth. Maddie is next to her, crying just as much, as she reaches over to grab Celia’s other hand. Buck continues reading. “The doctors and nurses in the oncology department were so glad to hear how well Ravi is doing. He and Javier were some of the brightest, kindest boys we’ve ever met. We didn’t know Daniel” Buck pauses again, trying to steady his breathing. “but we’re sure he would’ve lit up every room just like Javi and Ravi. 

As you know very well, Childhood cancer is a horror that thousands of families are faced with every day. With your donation, we will be able to provide top-notch care for kids like Ravi, Javi, and Daniel. From new toys in playrooms to innovative CAR T-cell research. Please know your contribution will be used to make a difference. 

We would like to thank you again for your donation!

Sincerely, the oncology department at LACH

P.S The kids would always love visitors from super cool fire fighters!” 

Buck finishes reading the letter and sees there’s not a single dry eye at this party. It was clear to Ravi that the only people that didn’t know about this were him and Celia. They wear matching expressions of shock and gratitude at the thought that went into this donation. 

Ravi is the first to respond as he tries to hug all of his team. “I-I can’t believe you guys did this. It’s- I don’t even know how to go about thanking you.” He says tears are still flowing down his face. 

Hen steps forward for her hug from the younger man. “You don’t need to thank us. This was our way of thanking them for saving you. They helped you get to us and we’re so grateful for that.” She pulls him into a hug only stopping when they hear Celia’s voice behind them. 

“You didn’t know my Javi, but you still included him?” Her voice is shaky while the tears continue falling. 

Eddie is the one to answer her. “Well, Ravi told Buck how important Javi is to him and we knew that we wanted to include him in this. If he’s important to Ravi, he’s important to us.” He offers her a smile and Celia knows it’s genuine. 

Maddie speaks to Celia next. “Plus we heard he’s up there keeping my brother company, so we had to make sure to include him.” She says smiling as the tears sting her eyes. 

“Thank you, thank you so much.” Celia cries as she pulls Maddie into a hug.

After Celia and the Panikkars say their thanks to everyone at the party, Ravi chooses to sit in a lawn chair off to the side of the patio. He looks out at the now happier people around him. He thinks about what each of them did for him throughout his entire cancer journey. His parents, Celia, and Dana, guiding him through treatment, growth, and grief as a child. They helped him find strength and bravery during the hardest times of his life. Their encouraging words always come up in his mind on his harder days. The memories of their support flood his brain, bringing a comfort he didn’t know he needed. His mom stayed with him every single night that he was inpatient, crawling in bed with him on the really bad nights. His dad ran back and forth from their house to the hospital, making sure he had all his favorite comfort items. Dana took the time to explain everything to him so he prepared for every scenario, on top of listening to his frustrated venting sessions. Celia, during her own grief, made sure he had a piece of Javi and let him help plan how they celebrated him. These people got him through the toughest part of his childhood and he would forever be grateful for them. 

Then he thinks about his team, his second family and the ways they helped him through the past couple months. Through his anxiety, fear and anger. Hen, researching doctors for him because she knew it was too hard for him to do. Eddie, reminding him that he’s the one that gets to make the decisions about his own health and Eddie would never judge him for those decisions. Chimney always went out of his way to make Ravi laugh because he knew that the younger man needed a break from the tears. Bobby checked in with Ravi everyday to make sure he was ok and that no other symptoms came up. Maddie who validated every single hard feeling he shared with her. She re-told her trauma to show him that he was not alone in those feelings. Buck lived up to his word and was there for his younger brother in every possible way he could. Whatever Ravi needed, Buck was right there ready to give it to him without question. These are the people that guided him through what ended up being one of the most mentally taxing times of his life. They filled in when his other family couldn’t be there. 

He sees all of these people that came together to celebrate him and tears once again form in his eyes. These people are here because of their shared love of him. Because of them, Ravi knows that there will never be a time when he’s alone. Someone will always be there for him. So when Buck comes over and asks if he is ok, he doesn’t get mad like he used to. 

“Yeah, I’m good.” 

He shouldn’t be surprised when Buck sticks out his pinky finger as he smiles. 

“Pinky swear?” 

Ravi holds up his hand with his braided leather bracelet on it and wraps his pinky around Buck’s. 

“Pinky swear.”