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Chapter Text

I am not the kind of girl

Who should be rudely barging in on a white-veil occasion

But you are not the kind of boy

Who should be marrying the wrong girl

July 17, 2023

Tying the knots on her stupidly high heels, she heard her name called frantically from the other side of the door, “Lily!”

“Coming, coming,” she picked the corsage from the side table and went into his dressing room. Upon entering, she saw one Remus Lupin practically hyperventilating from stress. She scanned his outfit, a perfectly fitted navy suit with a crushed silver velvet pocket square. He was wearing star cufflinks, to match Sirius’ crescent shaped ones. His shoes were shined, his hair was fixed, his face was clear and full of joy (and maybe a little bit of nervousness as well). No stains, no rips, no bruises.

“Alright, why is it you screamed bloody murder?”

“Lils, look. It’s a disaster.” He motioned to his bowtie, ever so slightly askew, “You know how to fix these right?”

“Look at you, all posh. What ever happened to down to earth Remus? Remus who wore the same sweater for a week at a time?”

He huffed out a small sigh, “that Remus is marrying the heir to the poshest family in Britain. That’s what happened.”

A raised eyebrow, “The heir? I didn’t peg you the type to go for both brothers…”

“Lily! This is serious! Oh my–” 

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry. I just thought you’d know by now not to make that joke!” She interrupted his fretting with a bright laugh. Remus pulled an indignant face at her, “I concede, while your groom may not be the poshest heir in Britain, he is certainly the most dramatic.” She straightened his bowtie, “And you look wonderful, Moony.” Tears brimmed his eyes as he turned swiftly towards the mirror, resuming fluttering his hands about, checking this and that. Lily spared herself a final once over just behind him. Maroon contrasted nicely with her skin tone, so she'd been told. Lily had curled her hair into a not-too-elaborate updo. She’d been mistaken for the bride one too many times in helping the boys with wedding prep, so she wanted it to be painstakingly obvious she was just the best friend-wedding planner-confidant. Of course, the stupid heels looked great, a bit of gold peeking out from the slit in her dress. Beauty is pain , or something like that. Her eyes looked just this side of too bright, but still pretty. 

“Are you going to marry him or are you going to chain yourself to this mirror forever?”

He snorted, “You’re awful.”

“I’m practical . I want to know I won’t have to kick your arse down that aisle.”

“No, no. I’m ready.”

The wedding truly was beautiful. Twinkling lights, blinding smiles everywhere. They’d kept it intimate, only inviting the nearest and dearest. Even with just about fifty guests, laughter filled the small hall they booked. She had put so much effort into making their night special. Looking at Sirius and Remus dancing in each others’ arms made it all feel worth it— but damn, she needed a break. 

This wedding was her masterpiece. She tried not to go too insane with the theme, lest it look like the American ‘Under the Stars’ prom from every coming of age movie. The maroon and gold palette with just celestial accents helped. Drinks were flowing, food was hot, guests were cheerful. Lily finally allowed herself a breath, grabbed a drink from the bar, and took up a perch in the corner of the room. She enjoyed watching the revelry like this. Wallflowering was a habit from a time of much messier maroon and gold parties. 

Her eyes floated across the room, watching the couples hold each other. “Hi Lils," Lily suddenly found James at her side, "smashing party!” He leaned next to her on the wall. He'd chosen a cream colored formal jacket and pants, not quite a suit. Underneath, he had a deep maroon button up and a crushed velvet pocket square matching the rest of the boys.

“Thanks, Jamie, but I only helped” On the dance floor, she watched as Remus tripped over his feet. 

“Might as well have been your wedding, you planned the whole bloody thing.”

She shrugged, “it’s only because they were so clueless.” Her hands subconsciously moved to her hair, checking that all her bobby pins were still in place. Lily took a sip of her cider, feeling the warm fizziness settle within her.

“We’re all clueless without you, Lily.” She looked over to him, and he met her with wide, sincere eyes, “isn’t it a bit mad to think that will be us someday soon?”

She choked on her drink, “what?”

“You know, marriage, babies, real grown up stuff.”

“I think my masters in biochemistry is pretty grown up.”

He rolled his eyes and bumped her shoulder, “C’mon you know what I mean!” They stood in silence for a while, before he said, “I think I might propose to her.”

She blanked on his current girlfriend’s name, “really? Isn't it a little too soon?”

James sighed, finding something interesting on his shoes, “That’s what everyone says. But Moony and Padfoot found it. Why can’t I? Charls” (Oh right, Charls ) “wants what I want from life.” He chanced a look her way, and with a sigh said, “I’m done waiting for my future to begin. She’s pretty and she’s smart and I think I love her.”

She looked at him mirthlessly, “Wow. Totally sold. How about you try saying ‘I think I love you, let’s get spliced’ to Charlene and see where that gets you.”

James fiddled with his cufflink. Lily couldn't tell if he was about to cry or storm off, “it’s not like I’m getting any younger…”

“Christ’s sakes James! We are twenty six. Just because those two found true love at eleven doesn’t mean we’ll be hags if we don’t by thirty.” Feeling her face get hot, she insisted, “You have so much time, and promise." She added, more emphatically than she meant to, "You of all people don’t need to be settling.” Gesticulating, Lily spilled some of her cider. 

Graciously, James decided not to tease her for it. “Me, of all people?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Oh,come off it. You were Hogwarts most eligible bachelor for our entire school career.”

He huffed out a laugh, “Yeah, I guess.” James looked out at the dance floor. He watched the way Sirius looked at Remus, and he tried to imagine Charlene looking at him that way. “Imagine telling ourselves ten years ago we’d be here.”

Lily snorted, “there was never a doubt in my mind that these two would be married. I’m honestly surprised they waited so long.”

“I don’t know.” He breathed out shakily, “even though I want to get married and all that, a part of me still feels sixteen.”

Lily moved just a bit closer, and their shoulders knocked together. “Yeah, same.”

“Should I take a couple steps back or…? Because sixteen year old Lily never would’ve gotten this close to me. I mean you, really, really hated me.”

She looked up at him, “At fourteen? You were the face of evil. But sixteen… I didn’t hate you.”

July 17, 2013

She felt his breath hot in her ear, his careful weight against her shoulder, “I think this is it. Finally, the night.”

Lily whispered back, “Really? I’m not so sure…”

James directed his gaze to the two boys swaying on the dance floor, “Look at Moony. He is totally about to fold and snog the life out of Pads.”

She hummed. After the incident in May, she thought for sure the boys' dynamic was fractured forever. A small part of her was relieved, because the rampage Sirius had been on after the Christmas holiday was finally over. But then she saw the state of Remus. Her Remus, one of her very best friends. He passed through classes, meals, and parties like a ghost. Pale as one, too. His warm brown skin was drained of life. She’d thought his illness was giving him a rough time of it, until she saw James scolding Sirius on the green one day. 

“You may never ever get to be his friend again. And you deserve that. Sirius, I love you, you know that. You’re my brother. But if Remus never forgives you for this I won’t make him.”

Sirius looked ready to rip his hair out in frustration, “But if he would just listen to me for one single moment–”

“Nope. He doesn’t owe you anything Sirius. He let you apologise. Now, Moony doesn’t want to hear any more.” Sirius flopped down on the bench beside him, head in his hands. James placed a hand on his back, “listen, mate. I don’t know much, but I know that you and Moony are best friends. He loves you, and as mad as he is I’m sure he misses you. Just listen to what he is saying. Give him time.”

She’d always assumed Potter carried that airheaded arrogance in all facets of his life. Truly, until that moment, she hadn’t ever seen him take something seriously or empathetically like that. He was a hothead, and took rebuttals to minute insults to the point of pranks and even violence. But there, he was kind and firm. It wasn’t a surprise to her when after a couple of weeks of Remus spending all of his time with the girls, Potter approached her.

They knew that this was awful on both boys. She didn’t know what Sirius had done, but she’d heard rumors. Nasty, cruel rumors. Neither she nor Potter wanted to force the boys to be friends again, but she knew it would be so much better for Remus. Lily had experienced feeling alone in your own home, in the space that should be your own. Nobody deserved that.

So, over the summer they’d often pushed the groups together. Trips to Diagon Street, the cinema, the beach. Anything to put the boys together in a friendly and calm environment. They’d been aiming for friends, but quickly realised their communication issues wouldn't be fixed until they told each other the whole truth. Now, as she watched Sirius spin Remus (rather comically, because of the height difference) she knew that they were both better for it. When Lily watched Remus grab Sirius’ hand and drag him towards the kitchen with a devilish grin, well, she wasn’t all that surprised. “Ha. I think you just might be right about that.”

Just then, Mary came bouncing up to them. She was a vision decorated in gold jewelry, with glitter painting her eyelids, and somehow on her shoulders too. A tight green skirt hugged her hips perfectly, and a flowy white blouse made her skin glow so warmly. “Can you please leave your secret society for a single minute to dance with your girlfriend on her birthday?”

Lily flushed with shame, “Yes, of course. Sorry, love.” As she was being led away, James called out that he was going to go and ‘bust those sneaky bastards.’ Lily didn’t catch the way his eyes lingered on her as she retreated to the dance floor. She took Mary’s hand and spun her ‘round. They giggled and kissed and celebrated. Later, while watching Mary blow out the candles on her cake, she glimpsed two pinkies linked together across the room. Lily took a mental snapshot of that moment. 

Even later, when she and Mary broke up (they were simply better as friends, best friends). Even when Remus and Sirius fought. Even when she felt so distant from all of her very favorite people. Lily would just close her eyes, and remember when everyone she loved was in one room, and for once, life had bent towards love. 

December 27, 2023

James had asked to meet at a new coffee spot, the Station. Usually they met in Remus and Dorcas’ shop, but today she walked up to a red brick building with a chalkboard sign out front that said something telling her to have a ‘brew-tiful’ day and purchase the new special drink. She considered it, then settled on her usual caramel latte. Lily found a spot near the back next to a window with nice sunshine. Not too much, but enough to feel sort of warm. Maybe even shine in James’ eye, blinding him, that would be fine with her. Mad wasn’t the right word, she wasn’t mad with her friend. But they were best friends, and he just hadn’t called in a few weeks. They’d barely texted, and he’d been skipping nearly every pub and movie night their friends had proposed. He was likely busy with work, or something. One plausible explanation or another was sure to soon come tumbling from his mouth. Honestly, she’d been surprised he texted and asked to meet. 

She’d been busy too, of course. Davy Gudgeon from the year below them had asked Lily on a few dates, and she’d been enjoying them. Well, they were fine. Davy was fine. He was a convenient story for her mother when she started bothering her about ‘settling down’ and how ‘Tuney and Vernon are already thinking about a second.’ Why should she settle for less than a soulmate? For now, Davy scratched that itch and kept her mother off her back.

Lily sipped her latte slowly, trying desperately to avoid drinking six pounds in less than six minutes. Then she heard, “Lils!” called from a few feet away from her. James walked carefully towards her, balancing an iced tea and hazelnut croissant, of course. He looked the same as ever, same unkempt hair and shining eyes. James slowly placed them on the table and then swept her up into a big hug, “I’m really sorry I haven’t called,” he mumbled into her hair. 

She pulled away, “Thanks, arrogant toerag.”

James gave a short chuckle, and wrung his hands. Sitting down, he took a deep breath and shook his head lightly. James seemed oddly nervous. “So, do you remember Moony and Padfoot’s wedding?”

“Remember it? I still have stress dreams about the flowers or the cake sometimes. Why?”

“Well, you and I talked. About marriage and stuff.”

“Oh yeah, how your vitality was withering and you wanted to marry the next girl who looked your way.” She rolling at the memory. 

He glanced at her nervously, then looked down at the floor. Then, he fixed Lily with as earnest a look he had ever given her, “I’m marrying her.”

Lily’s brain short-circuited, her mouth dropped open in shock. “You’re– what? When did you– why did you? I–”

“I know. I’m sorry, I know.” He rubbed the back of his neck, “I proposed on Christmas eve. Amazingly, she agreed to marry me, arrogant toerag that I am.”

“I’m sorry, but I’m still trying to process. You’ve been together for what, eight months?”

“Ten.”

“Dear God, tell me it’s not because–” 

Now, it was James’ turn to be shocked, “No Lily! I just– I love her. And I want my future to start now.”

Her heart hurt. James, somehow, still didn’t believe that he was good enough to wait for his real love to come. Ever since he got over her, James had such terrible confidence. This fiancee of his was no help, Lily had met her. She really, truly disliked the way Charlene spoke to him. She was so shallow  and materialistic, too. James had plenty of... material. “Bloody hell.”

“Yeah,” he smiled tentatively at her.

“Is this my fault? I wasn’t being serious at the wedding when I said I was sold. She isn’t good enough for you, Jamie.”

His smile dropped, “Listen, I just wanted to tell you. I am not nearly good enough for her. I love Charls, and she loves me.” James looked at her sadly, “I love you too– I mean, you are my best friend, Lily. I don’t want to lose you. Can’t you just be happy for me?”

Lily still failed to understand his haste to get married off, but he was right. Charlene wasn’t awful. She was… pretty, and sort of funny, too. Most of all, she wasn’t worth losing him over. “You’re right, James. I’m sorry. This is really what you want?”

“All I’ve ever wanted.”

“Alright, then. I guess I’m planning a second wedding!” She chuckled awkwardly. “Or, well, Charlene can plan her own wedding.” They moved on and caught up on the last few weeks. Eventually, she nearly forgot about the wedding. 

Until, while he was leaving, James called, “Check your mail for the invite! We’re going old school. See ya!” Lily hoped, really, really hoped, that he wasn’t making the biggest mistake of his life. 

Chapter Text

In my head, we're dancing in the dark

In my head, we kiss under the stars

But we know that's not what we're doing

'Cause, baby, this ain't like the movies

December 29, 2023

8:23 PM

Toerag: 999!! 

Toerag: Wedding emergency– not like losing blood or anything

Dork: yeeees?

Toerag: Charls says that I need to help with the wedding planning

Dork: spending time with your fiancee is an emergency?

Toerag: No, obviously not

Toerag: I just have nooo idea what goes into planning a wedding

Dork: uh huh

Toerag: So, you know me better than anyone (don’t tell my brother)

Toerag: And you know weddings better than anyone I know

Toerag: Sooooo maybe you could help?

Toerag: Just like, when she asks me smth, I’ll send the options to you

Toerag: And you tell me what I’d like

Dork: oh 

Toerag: Does that sound alright?

Dork: um, i don’t know if charlene would like me to plan her wedding

Toerag: Well, you aren’t really

Toerag: You are telling me what I should say to make sure this wedding happens

Toerag: And to make sure that i like it

Toerag: Pleaaaaaaaaase Lils

Toerag: I never ask for anything

Dork: you literally called me just to ask for chocolate yesterday

Toerag: NEVER FOR ANYTHING!

Toerag: Cmon 

Toerag: Charls doesn’t even have to know!

Toerag: What’s the worst that could happen? I have a perfect wedding?

Dork: ugh fine

Dork: tosser

Dork: i’ll do it

Toerag: You are my HERO

Dork: yeah yeah

Toerag: One more thing

Dork: what now

Toerag: Bloody hell

Toerag: Just, we’re doing pub night on the 5th

Toerag: That’s when I’m telling everyone else

Toerag: Are u coming?

Dork: sorry jamie, i have work

Dork: wish i could

Dork: ill talk to you later

Toerag: Oh okay

Toerag: No worries :)

Mary leaned over the couch and hugged Lily’s neck. “Who’re you texting with that scowl you’ve got on?”

“Just Potter,” she flipped her phone down. Thankfully she’d spent the last few days thinking and hadn’t told anyone about the engagement, despite not knowing it was a secret. Or a surprise. Usually surprises are good, though.

Mary rolled her eyes and came to sit next to her, “what now?”

“Just normal James stuff.”

She gave the redhead an exasperated look, “yeah, sure.”

“What?”

“‘Just James stuff,’ did he break up with you or something?”

Lily sputtered and blinked at her, “What? He’s dating Charlene, Mare.”

“Dating that bimbo? Maybe. In love with you? Definitely.” It had been a while since Mary last returned to this old song and dance. When they dated as teens, it was one of the things that brought about their end. Mary swore the two had feelings for each other. 

Lily deadpanned, and repeated what she had told the girl a thousand times, “We are just friends. I swear.” 

“I’ll believe that when you stop getting upset with him like he’s your boyfriend.”

“Oh shut it. He is with Charlene! He loves her.”

“Loves? I mean, she’s right fit, but a complete arsehole to like, everyone. Including James.” Mary gave her a disbelieving look. “If he loved her, he’d go marry her or something. But instead, he’s texting you, he’s furrowing your brow.”

Without thinking, she blurted out, “He is marrying her!” Lily covered her mouth.

“WHAT? ”

Lily shushed her, “Please don’t tell anyone Mare. Really. He’s telling everyone at pub night.”

Realisation dawned on Mary’s face, “Oh my god. That’s why you’ve been skulking around here for days!” 

“Please I do not s–”

“You do too skulk. And you have been. Don’t worry though, my lips are sealed. I won’t tell anyone about your boyfriend’s fiancee.” 

Lily hit her lightly with a pillow, “stop that!” The girls descended into giggles when Mary hit her back. They collapsed on one another and breathed hard. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

Mary looked at her with pity, “alright, love. Just, don’t do anything stupid, okay?”

“I’m not going to ruin this for him,” she said seriously.

The dark haired girl shook her head, like there was a joke Lily still wasn’t getting. “That is not what I meant.”

January 5, 2024

Lily wasn’t going to go. She really wasn’t. Until, her phone buzzed at eleven o’clock on that Saturday night. The one for her friends to drink and laugh and celebrate the biggest mistake of James’ life. 

Listen, she isn’t insane. Lily wants James to be happy. She wants him to have everything he could ever dream of. Charlene Devereaux was not that. If Mary were here, she would tell Lily that she was being jealous, but that simply isn’t it. Lily had known from the moment she met her best friend’s future fiancee that she was not right for James. 

May 14, 2023

Lily walked into the room, it was glowing with warmth. Their friends scattered across pillows and couches inside the cozy apartment. Marlene and Dorcas had finally moved in together. Despite being together for years, Marlene’s little brother, Thomas, had kept her from making the final jump. She didn’t want to leave home until he did too. Now, with him off playing rugby at uni, Marlene finally moved the last of her things to Dorcas’ apartment. 

Presently, the two girls were wrapped in each others’ arms on their huge orange sofa. The thing was hideous but so incredibly comfortable. Their whole place radiated joy and it was warm and homey. They were just having a laid back night, some games, some food, and the company of their close circle. She scanned the room, and found nearly everyone there. One face was absent from the crowd, however: James. Lily heard the door open behind her and turned to see if it was him. 

She saw Charlene before she saw James. She was tall (like, really tall) and somehow made a blouse and jeans look runway ready. She wore minimal makeup and kept her blonde hair loose. Utterly confused at who this stranger was, Lily stared a bit at her. Charlene gave her a sour face, and then James entered behind her with a hand around her waist. Oh Lily thought, I’d forgotten he was bringing his newest fling to this. 

Lily made a beeline for the door, and as she opened her mouth to greet her friend, Charlene stuck out her hand and said, “Bonjour, I’m Charlene.” She had a slight French accent and an intense look in her eyes. 

“Oh hi! It’s nice to meet you.” She smiled, “I’m Lily.”

“I know.”

“Right. Hi James, how are you?” He nodded at her with a smile, “Well, Charlene, welcome. I think our hosts are currently occupied,” she eyed the girls on the couch, now in whispered conversation as if they weren’t hosting a party, “but you can make yourself at home! Drinks are in the kitchen, we just ordered a chinese so that should be here sometime soon.”

“Merci.” She nodded curtly, grabbing James’ hand and bringing him away.

Those six words were the only ones she spoke to Lily the entire evening. James, too, kept his distance. Charlene spent the evening shooting withering looks at him. He spent all night looking apologetic, for what she could not place. Charlene spoke to their friends, a bit. She didn’t really speak at length to any of the girls, just cordial niceties to the hosts and brief introductions to Alice and Mary, but it seemed like she made progress with the Marauder Sirius was glad to finally have someone else who spoke French, saying they could gossip and the rest would be none the wiser. Remus was quiet, but he’s always quiet. Peter sort of lit up, as the two of them actually loosely knew each other from work. None of them knew anything about veterinary science, which Pete was currently in school for. Charlene used to be an assistant at a small veterinarian’s office in France, before she moved to London and took a job as secretary for James’ father, which was how they met. She was okay. Her smile glittered and clearly James’ friends enjoyed her company. Lily just had an off feeling about her the entire night, especially when the two of them left early, and she could see Charlene ranting about something as the couple walked down the hall. 

Lily was not rooting against her friend’s happiness. It was just hard to root for when his happiness came from the personification of holier than thou. Whatever, if she went to the pub, she would ruin James’ night. It was supposed to be a night of celebration, and she was so very far from that. 

Instead, she plopped back down onto the couch with her pint of double chocolate ice cream. Reruns of The Powerpuff Girls were on, and she let the television play mindlessly in front of her. The background noise of the three magical sisters brought out nostalgic memories, both good and bad, of her childhood, her sister, and everything in between. 

Spaced out as she was, Lily nearly missed her phone buzzing on her lap. Her eyes adjusted to the new brightness, and she was able to read the message.

remylu: char is gone, you can come out of hiding lillian

lilyev: that's not my name

remylu: that's not what u should focus on from my message 

remylu: cmon, prongs hates celebrating without u

lilyev: i have work

remylu: liar 

remylu: you just hate who he’s marrying

lilyev: i do not

lilyev: i want him to be happy

lilyev: you sound like mary

remylu: mary is probably right, lils

remylu: hes talking about you

remylu: he wants you here

remylu: just for a little while

lilyev: ugh fine

remylu: thank u

remylu: at least he’ll stop jabbering on about u now

Lily placed her phone down. That sent a strange fizzy feeling through her. James was such an idiot, she told him she had work. Really, Lily wasn’t gonna go, but then she thought about his stupid, idiotic smile when she surprised him. It couldn’t be that bad.

Before leaving the house, Lily threw on her favorite flared jeans and a green sweater, fluffing her hair and checking her eyelashes as she left. She was going in public, after all. 

As she entered the pub she was hit with the smell of stale pints and sounds of raucous laughter. One laugh she could place the moment she stepped in the building. He was deep into the bar, giggling and teasing Sirius. The four of them were singing some idiotic song. She walked closer and could hear their voices floating towards her, 

“Listen, listen! I may have gotten married young–” Sirius began, obviously sloshed.

“To the love of your life,” Remus interjected with a Look. 

“Yes, Moony dearest. Even though I have been incredibly lucky in love, many indeed are not!” He shot a look at Peter, who mournfully took a gulp of his beer. “It is nothing short of a miracle that Prongsy was able to settle down, especially considering his track record! Cheers, my brother!” He finished with a wide, toothy grin and a long drink. James, too, downed some more from his cup. Then Sirius looked up, and locked eyes with Lily. “MRS. Prongs! What are you doing here!”

She smiled, coy, “That is not my name, nor will it ever be. Also, please tell me you’ve never said that in front of her.”

Sirius looked confused for a millisecond, “In front of..” realisation dawned on his face, “oh never! She is the real Mrs. Potter to be. But you, Lily Evans, will always be Mrs. Prongs.” Remus pulled him down into the seat, and began whispering something in his ear. His expression turned comically serious. 

“Lily! I didn’t think you could make it?” James smiled warmly at her, lighting her up from within. He pulled her in by her waist, half encircling her. 

“Oh you know, my work actually didn’t take as long as I thought it might.”

“Incredible! You’re incredible.” Now, his smile turned dopey. He was awfully drunk too, it seemed. 

Remus smiled tensely, and said, “Now Lily, what is this I hear about you dating someone new?”

James actually dropped his jaw, “who?”

“Davy Gudgeon! So Mary says, anyhow.”

Lily blushed scarlet, ex-girlfriends sometimes make the most awful secret keepers. Sirius burst out in laughter, “Davy? Like the year below us Davy? Oh my god–” His sentence was interrupted with more laughter—”Oh my god this is too good.”

“Stop it! Don’t make fun of her!”

Peter interjected, with a wry smile, “Prongs, he was the wonkiest bloke in school with us. You made fun of him like, all the time.”

“I did not!”

“You did too! If anyone but Lily was dating him you’d be laughing your arse off with us.

James got indignant and huffed out, “oi! Stop it.” He realized it was futile to stop Sirius in this state, and instead turned towards Lily, “Can I buy you a drink? Sorry about these arseholes.” He made sure to say the last word extra loudly. 

“Yeah, ‘course.” She smiled. 

James placed a warm hand on her back to guide them through the crowded bar, her skin burned underneath his touch. When they got to the bar, he ordered for her, “just a hard cider, please.” Then, his attention fell on Lily, “I really am sorry about them. I wish you’d told me about Davy.” All that goofy drunkenness slipped from him, coming across as completely genuine. James held her eyes in his. 

For whatever reason, Lily momentarily forgot her words.

Finding them, she said “yeah, sorry mate, it’s just new, y’know?” She looked at her shoes, “I would have told you if it was serious.” The bartender slid her drink towards her, and James slid a note across the bar, “thanks, by the way.”

“You’re lucky that it doesn’t have to be serious,” he sighed. 

“What does that mean? I thought you wanted to get married young, just like your parents. The evanescent mirage of youth or whatever.”

He chuckled, “I was never quite that… wordy about it. I just mean, I don’t know. I do feel that pressure to find my soulmate young, like my parents did. I used to think that I did,” his eyes widened and he tripped over his words, “I mean, like, as a kid.” He rubbed the back of his neck.

She put a hand on his arm, “It's alright Jamie.”

“Yeah I know. Um, anyway. I just think you’re lucky sometimes. You don’t let anyone tell you how your life has to go. I love that about you.”

The world probably continued on around them but she wouldn’t know it. When Lily looked at James it all stopped. Her throat got dry, and she somehow found herself and said, “Well, you’ve got the real thing, James. Real love. That’s lucky to me. Charlene is giving you everything you ever wanted.”

He finally broke eye contact, looking away shyly before saying, “yeah, you’re right. So, is the sex any good?”

She burst out laughing, spurting a bit of her drink onto him. “Oh my goodness!”

“Say it, don't spray it, Lils.” He laughed along with her.

Lily giggled and hit him on the shoulder, “You are the worst!”

“It’s a valid question. I mean, he always looked a bit, I don’t know.. dorky. I wouldn’t expect the two of you to match up. Remember when we dissected frogs? I heard when his class did it, Davy looked peaky when the professor mentioned it two weeks before! He didn’t even make it halfway through the real thing.”

They made their way back to the table, where it looked like Sirius was trying to merge with Remus. The taller man locked eyes with Lily, before saying, “I really should get him home. Pete, I’ll drop you at your flat before ours, alright?”

He nodded in assent, downing the last of his pint. Sirius kissed Remus’s cheek a few times, mooning over him, “my responsible husband. So good to me. So good to my friends. So good in bed.”

“That’s our cue. I’ll see you!” Remus winked at Lily as he dragged his sloshed husband out of the bar. 

James looked at her awkwardly, “Um, he was my ride.”

“Arsehole,” Lily cursed under her breath, “I haven’t even had much of this, James. I can just give you a lift.”

“Thanks, Lils,” he smiled warmly at her.

January 13, 2024

Lily let out a contented sigh, having completed another round of paperwork. But no good thing lasts, which she was reminded of when she turned her head and saw the next mountain of data to enter and papers to sort through. Mercifully, her phone buzzed, 

Toerag: Hey

Toerag: Meet me in the lobby

Toerag: :) 

Dork: what’ve u done now

Toerag: Something nice!

Toerag: I promise

Dork: okay..

Oftentimes, when they were at university together, James would show up at Lily’s dorm, or the library, or her favorite cafe (or wherever else she was spending hours studying) with food, promising to help her (distract her) with her studies. They were friends (eventually) in secondary school, but since none of their friends had gone to the same university as them, they only had each other in their new campus of thousands. Quickly, a routine formed, with the two of them spending time laughing and forgetting about school for a while. Eventually, Lily also came to distract James from the minimal work he was doing. His business degree was more of a formality that assured he wasn’t completely a nepotism hire at his father’s company. As adults, they simply never stopped. On his days off, James would show up at her work, and she did the same on hers. Usually, this was reserved for the warmer months as they preferred to eat outside. Before she left her desk Lily grabbed her plum coat, a Christmas gift from Marlene a few years earlier.

Lily stepped out of the elevator and there he was, holding a takeaway bag and scrolling on his phone. She called to him, “James! Hi! You haven’t done this in a while. Thanks.”

He smiled at her, brown eyes crinkling slightly, “Oh, good! You have your coat. I was worried I’d have to send you back up.”

“I know better than that by now, James.” They made their way outside her building, and to the green space beside it. The company put it in a few years ago to “improve employee mental health.” A few benches and a patch of grass don’t do much, but it did give them a place to enjoy lunch outside, so hooray for admin. James pulled out two sandwiches and some crisps, and they ate in companionable silence. 

“So, why bring this today? Anything on your mind?”

James took a deep breath, “oh, you know. I just missed you a bit, I guess. Wedding planning has been so stressful.”

  She looked at him, “I know what that’s like. How far have you gotten?”

“Right now we're looking at the venue and date, I think. Charlene has so many ‘musts’ on her list of venue preferences. I’d marry her in my parents’ backyard if she’d let me.”

“I get it. It’s gonna be the best day of your entire life, the beginning of your future together. She just wants it to be special.” Lily smiled tightly. She’d promised herself to try to be supportive.

“You’re right. Thanks Lils,” he smiled slyly at her before asking, “so… how’s Davey?”

Lily snorted, “He’s perfectly alright, thank you.” She shot him a look.

“Hey, you know what? Maybe we should do a double date,” Lily could not imagine anything more awful. “I haven’t spoken to him since school. Gotta find out what you see in him.”

“Uh huh, sure.” She rolled her eyes, but smiled despite herself. Then, James’s phone rang. 

“Hey baby, what’s up?” … “Oh, I’m having lunch with Lily, I thought I” Lily heard the other voice, she assumed Charlene’s, get quite a bit louder. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m on my way home. Bye, love you.” The other line cut off. 

“Trouble at home?” Lily gave him a sympathetic look.

James looked uncomfortable, “erm, yeah. Something like that. Bye, Lily.”

“Bye, James! Thanks for giving me a break from my paperwork.”

He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes, and rushed off. 

Thankfully, she was able to complete all of her work that day. When she finally reached home, Lily went straight for her bed and just sunk into it. Her bedroom was her safe space, still decorated like she was a teenager. Posters and pictures of her friends surrounded her. Lily had always thought some parts of growing up, like scrubbing your home of personality (and shotgun weddings) weren’t worth being more ‘mature.’ If she brought someone home and they had the audacity to comment on her space, that’d be the last time they saw her colourful walls. Lily turned to scrolling on her phone, when a text from James came in,

Toerag: I’m really sorry about earlier.

Toerag: Charlene and I worked everything out at home

Toerag: I just need to act like a husband if I’m going to be one

Lily just stared at the message, gobsmacked. If he wasn’t husband material, then who was?

Dork: its alright, james

Dork: youll be a great husband

Toerag: Thats sweet of you to say, Lily

Toerag: But I still need to work on myself

Toerag: Anyway, what about that double date with Davey?

Toerag: Charls also wants to meet him

Dork: oh i didnt realize you were serious about that

Dork: um, sure

Dork: i think next friday works?

Toerag: Sounds great :) 

Toerag: I’ll clear our schedules

Dork: this will be a disaster

Toerag: This will be FUNNNNNNN!

Chapter Text

But we both know that it would never work

You've got your girl, you're gonna marry her

And I'll be watching in a pinstriped suit

Not even wishing it was me and you

January 26, 2024

Steam covered her reflection in the mirror. Lily reached out to wipe away just enough so she could see her own face. She thought of Petunia. The two of them shared a bathroom between their rooms as girls, and sometimes drew flowers in the mirror, when they still talked to each other. Mrs. Evans did not appreciate it, and frequently fretted to them over their fingerprints smudging the glass. Now, whenever she leaves marks on her own mirror she isn’t sure whether it’s a long-forgotten ritual, or a way to feel connected to her sister, or a way to spite her mother. Maybe it’s just something people do.

Her skin was flushed from the shower and her hair was dark and dripping down her back. As she stared into her own green eyes, she saw how tired she looked. Lily wasn’t sure when that happened, when the fresh-faced girl disappeared and was replaced with a very serious, very adult, very tired version of herself. She decided not to dwell on it.

Davey was on his way, coming around in about an hour. The two of them were actually going on a date, rather than just getting food after sleeping together. He complained that he wanted a real relationship, so she obliged him. Davey was fine. Her reflection was fine. She was fine. 

Still, as she went through the process of trussing herself up, something was gnawing at her– like words caught in the back of her throat. There was some truth she couldn’t say, even to herself. You are fine, she thought, the word beginning to lose its meaning. Then, when she looked in the mirror she saw a happier girl. Bags had disappeared from under her eyes, as had her freckles. Her eyelashes were long and dark, and her lips shone a glossy red. Lily looked good, confident. Happy. 

The doorbell rang, and she walked over to greet Davey.

“You look nice, love,” Mary called from the couch.

“Thanks, Mare. Davey and I are going out.”

Mary tilted her head, eyes narrowing slightly in consideration, “Don’t sound so excited, red.” Lily just narrowed her eyes back in response, turning towards the door. When she opened it, Davey was standing there in black jeans and a sky blue polo. It was rolled up a bit to show off his arms. The blue brought the color out in his eyes, swimming before her with cerulean intensity. 

He stared at her, up and down over her body, “You look.. really good, Lily.” She felt like one of the materials she studied at university labs– exposed, tested. 

“Thanks, Davey.”

He pressed a wet kiss to her cheek, “ready to go?”

She smiled, “Yeah.” Davey slipped an arm around her waist as they walked to the elevator. He opened the car door for her to get in. Really, he was a perfect gentleman when he tried. Her mother would like him. Davey and his polos and crewnecks with white collars. Davey and his sensible job and forgettable friends and plans for a future, maybe. Davey and whatever it is he’s talking to her about now. 

The restaurant he chose is quaint, lit with candles at each table and dim, warm lighting elsewhere. It’s an incredibly intimate place, small in a nice way. Nice until she spots an unmistakable mop of black hair in the corner. His eyes lock with hers and instantly brighten as he waves his hand to call her over. 

She poked his side gently, “Davey, James is here with Charlene.” 

“Oh how nice! Let’s go say hello.” He had a smug look on his face as he shook James’ outstretched hand. Lily couldn’t quite decipher it, but he almost looked triumphant. I got the girl , his eyes seemed to say. 

James and Charlene were sitting across from each other at a table that fits four, and so when James told them to sit down, she really had no other option. Davey sat next to Charlene and made a polite introduction, and Lily took the seat next to James. Charlene fixed her with a disapproving look, quickly fading as her eyes turned to James. 

“So, Lily, James tells me you and Davey have been together for a few months, yes?”

Davey smiled easily, “Yep, since last October. We met again actually at a Halloween party.”

“You didn’t know each other from school?” Her tone was sharp at the end of the phrase. Each question was a dissection of Lily, an attempt to figure something out. 

He chuckled uneasily, “Ah, no.” He looked at her, “since she and James are a year older we never talked much. But, really I always had a crush on her.” Then, horrifyingly, he looked at James, “but then again, who didn’t?”

Charlene’s eyes widened in what must have been mock horror. They narrowed  into a steely gaze in her fiancé’s direction. Charlene tutted, “I didn’t know you dated so much Lily. You’re a popular girl, no?” 

“Well, she didn’t date much around Hogwarts, you know? Mostly just Mary. Oh, and that other girl,” James began to explain. 

Whatever point he was trying to make was entirely unclear to her, “Olive,” she supplied. 

“Oh yes, Olive!”

Charlene smiled, teeth-rotting sweet, “that’s nice. I didn’t date in secondary school. I was very focused on my studies.” She tilted her head, sizing Lily up. 

“Yeah well, I guess I spent so much time studying that I would’ve gone crazy otherwise. It’s healthy to have a bit of fun as a distraction, you know. My masters degree isn’t from spending my school years dicking around.” She heard the tone of her voice hardening, the volume rising ever so slightly.

“Of course not. I’d never imply that, Lily. You are a very smart girl. Very, very smart.” How did Charlene make compliments sound like the worst insult she’d ever received?

Davey’s eyes widened a bit, an almost panicked, trapped look about him. 

Lily smiled, tightly, before remembering that she made a promise to herself not to ruin this for James. Whatever competition Charlene wants, she won’t get it. “So, Charlene, how is wedding planning going?”

Her eyes shone, “oh just wonderful! We’ve finally locked in a venue. It was so difficult to find one that was suitable, of course. I wanted only the best for my J…” she kept talking, striking a conversation with Davey about flowers. His mother is a florist and he was peddling her services. Lily made eye contact with James. 

Their faces shuffled through several different expressions, trying to convey something without words.

I’m sorry about her, he seemed to say. James eyebrows crinkled and he smiled a bit sadly, sympathetically.

Lily hardened her gaze, that’s who you are marrying. She couldn’t believe how ill suited they were for each other. Could Lily really be the only one who saw it?

James’s face reddened, and he looked down. Then, Davey had his hand on her shoulder, “hey, you planned Remus and Sirius’ wedding, right?”

Charlene was looking at Lily expectantly. “Yes, yeah I did. Though, to be fair, they had a pretty clear vision of what they wanted. Finding your soulmate at eleven gives you a lot of time to plan it out. I was basically just their customer service rep.” She chuckled, remembering their planning sessions. Sirius had an incredibly clear view of his wedding, I know exactly how it has to feel, Lily. But, no idea what went into putting the thing on.

Charlene gave her a smile, “yes. It’s nice that they knew each other for so long.”

Davey laughed and looked at James, “they weren’t the only ones who ‘found their soulmate’ at eleven, eh mate?” 

Lily blushed furiously. James’s childhood crush on her had long since been put to bed, dedicated though it was. 

Charlene looked like her head might explode. She took a moment to calm herself, gathering the nerve to say, “yes well, my James is a very committed sort of person. Unfortunately I had to kiss two frogs to find my prince, but here he is!” She kissed his cheek. Lily wanted to throw up.

“I have kissed way too many frogs to count!” Lily laughed, sharing a conspiratorial look with James. 

Davey smirked beside her. Charlene clicked her tongue, but said nothing. James excused himself to the bathroom. 

Charlene leaned over, putting her hand over Lily’s like she was an older sister giving her advice, “You know, Lily, a key that opens any lock is a master key. But, a lock that opens for any key is a broken lock. Just something to think about. It’s really nice to see you settling down with someone like Davey.”

Lily scoffed, “I haven’t ‘settled down’ with Davey, Charlene.”

“Well, you don’t have to say it like it’s a bad thing. Some people want a future, you know.”

“I have a future, I have friends and a career and—“

“Yes we all know how educated and successful you are, Lily. I’m just saying it’s not a bad thing to want a family. James does.” She narrowed her eyes, going in for the kill. 

Lily could not help but raise her voice, “I want a family too! Ugh, I can’t believe this. You’re twenty five Charlene, not forty. Your value hasn’t plummeted that far in the marriage market yet. It’s not my fault you chose to be James’ doe eyed housewife instead of having a real career!” 

Charlene huffed and was about to respond when James came up to them, looking apprehensively between the two. Lily motioned towards him, “look at James! He’s dated more girls than I have, girls or guys!”

Charlene gave her a saccharine little smile, like Lily is too dimwitted to understand her world, “he is a man, Lily. That’s just what they do. You aren’t.” 

“That doesn’t matter, Charlene.” James said uncomfortably. Lily smiles gratefully at him. 

“I’m just trying to help, James!” She all but shrieked, “you’re never on my side.”

“You know what, love, it’s late. Let’s just go home.” 

“Fine.” She crossed her arms and started walking out ahead of him.

He smiled at Lily and Davey, “I settled our tabs up front. It’s on me. Nice seeing you again, Davey. Bye, Lils.”

Davey let out a weak chuckle when James was out of earshot, “right piece of work she is, eh?”

Lily just nodded. 

February 4, 2024

Toerag: Lily

Toerag: Need wedding help

Toerag: SOS

She stared down at the screen, wondering whether to reply. On one hand, Lily told James that she would help him with wedding prep. On the other hand, he hadn’t spoken to her since his fiancee called her a slut in front of her boyfriend. Just over ten days he’d been ignoring her. Or they’d been ignoring each other.

She was so, so angry at him for letting Charlene say that about her. For not talking to her about it. 

Dork: what 

Toerag: Okay so, I dont know anything about flowers

Toerag: Charls wants me to get Daveys mums number for the flowers

Toerag: And asked me what I’d like

Dork: how would i know

Dork: u and i have never talked about flowers

Toerag: What? No way

Toerag: We totally have

He wasn’t wrong, there. When they were thirteen James had 1300 lily flowers shipped to Hogwarts, just so he could spread them all about the school for her birthday. Wealthy children grow up with an off putting ability to make their strangest desires come true. He put them all on the dining room table, the common room, the steps up to her dorm. Literally everywhere . She hated it. Lily had said to James that giving her flowers didn’t make him her boyfriend, or even her friend. 

Toerag: Anyway that doesn’t matter

Toerag: You know what I’d like

Toerag: Here are the options

allwhiteflowers.png

hydrangeasandroses.png

pinkandredflowersmix.png

wildflowersandbabysbreath.png

Dork: umm

Dork: maybe the colourful one

Dork: with all the wildflowers

Toerag: Ooh yes

Toerag: I love those

Toerag: You know me too well

Dork: sure 

Toerag: Is something wrong?

Dork: you really are an asshole sometimes 

Toerag: What did I do?

Dork: idk maybe not talk to me for a week bc your fiancee called me a slut

Toerag: Thats not what she meant

Toerag: And I was trying to give you space

Dork: trying to give me space or banned from speaking to me

Dork: does she even know you texted me

Toerag: She knows you are my friend 

Dork: and is she okay with you being friends with a slut like me?

Dork: she certainly doesn’t care about YOUR history

Dork: but im evil

Toerag: She didnt say that, Lily

Dork: you know what she meant to imply

Dork: and youre icing me out bc of it

Toerag: I'm not!

Dork: wtv its fine

Dork: i cant even find the energy to care about her anymore

Dork: if this is who youre marrying then maybe i dont know you anymore

Toerag: What is that supposed to mean?

Dork: i didnt think you were still a bully

Dork: but clearly you still dont mind them

Toerag: You cant speak about her like that

Toerag: Charlene is going to be my wife

Dork: and what about us? 

Toerag: We’re friends, Lily

Toerag: You and I are best friends

Toerag: But she is my wife

Dork: not yet

Dork: ok then

Dork: im having a get together for my bday

Dork: but i dont want her there

Toerag: Then I can’t go

Dork: i guess you wont then

Tears brimmed her eyes, staring at the messages. Lily was at a loss for what to do. Of course, Charlene is more important to him. James is marrying her. He is going to be her husband, and she his wife. But Lily couldn’t just let him marry someone quite so wrong for him. 

Her words were harsh, an echo of everything she used to say about them. Whispered in the shadows with Severus about all the ways he was awful. Sometimes he was truly a bully. What she couldn’t see back then was that Severus wasn’t as innocent as he claimed to be. He wasn’t always reacting. The way he talked about Sirius and Remus bothered her, of course. Severus grew up in an incredibly religious family, in the same circles as Sirius’s own, and had strong opinions on queer people. When Lily came out to him, though, he wasn’t mean to her. She lived in denial for so very long, until the day it all came crashing down. 

Lily could still picture it so clearly;

She heard the shouting from across the courtyard. Lily had been lounging by the lake after the last of her exams that seemed to never end. The wind carried a light breeze and the smell of summer, like lilies and warm rain. Her head was Mary’s lap. She lazily roved her eyes across the girl’s face, memorizing her big brown eyes. Mary’s fresh braids with bright pink and sunset orange coloring them framed her face perfectly, shining in the afternoon light. Her burgeoning feelings for her best friend were something Lily had been coming to accept. Sometimes, when Mary looked at her she thought that it might be the same for her. Whatever the future of their relationship, Lily loved this girl. She basked in the sun and felt deep peace as Mary carded her hands through Lily’s hair. But then she heard the shouting from across the courtyard. 

“You can’t just go around saying shit like that, Snivellus.”

“And why not? Just because you go prancing about with fairies doesn’t mean I will.”

The two boys came into view and she saw James shove Severus back. He stumbled, but didn’t fall. “Oh, are you a shirt lifter too? Trying to put your filthy hands on me–” His words were abruptly cut off by James pushing him to the ground, hard. Their peers surrounded the boys. Sirius and Remus lingered nearby, Remus clearly uncomfortable and Sirius egging him on. 

Lily rushed in, desperate to show Severus she was by his side. Their friendship had been more and more strained lately, since she confided in him her feelings for Mary. He was always jealous, telling her she didn’t care about him or didn’t spend enough time with him. 

“Stop this!”

“Oh and here comes Lily, once again, to save him from his own bigoted self.” Severus was on the ground, crying, with snot coming out of his nose. James picked him up by his shirt, whether he was going to throw him or hit him she couldn’t tell. 

“Why do you have to be so cruel to him?”

James' eyes widened, glowing with rage, he was about to respond when Severus cut in, “I don’t need help from a lezzie like you!” Looking in her best friend’s eyes, she saw cold indifference. No matter what he said to her after, however sorry he ever was, nothing could erase that image from her mind. In that very moment his carefully crafted reality shattered, leaving behind only the hate that poisoned his heart.

She blinked, shocked. Her heartbeat roared in her ears. Lily didn’t even register her feet carrying her away, didn’t register her friends following her to their dorm. The longest friendship she’d ever had ended in a millisecond. 

Once, she’d heard a story about a man living the perfect life. He was blindingly happy, a perfect wife, incredible kids, and an amazing job. He lived every day joyfully, carefree and unbridled. One day, though, as he sat in his living room, he looked at his lamp and noticed it looked a little off. Fuzzy, or something. That was the catalyst to him realizing it was all a dream.

That felt like her life right now, only more abrupt. Quickly, the pieces slotted into place in her head. Severus’ possessiveness, his jealousy. His thinly veiled insults about her sexuality, her morality, all of it. It came over her with shocking clarity like ice water poured down her back. 

Strangely, she felt similar to how she had back then. Lily felt lied to. She felt ashamed for believing James, even though he hadn’t lied to her. 

Lily laid down on her back, feeling the cool silk of her sheets below her. If he didn’t want to be her friend over this, then he wouldn't be. She learned long ago that you can’t dream someone into something they aren’t.

Music came floating from speakers across the room. Lily was a few drinks in at her birthday party, and she was feeling good. Well, she was at least feeling buzzed. Her sparkly green skirt was tight around her thighs, bordering on squeezing too much to be comfortable, but oh, so sexy that she couldn’t find it in her to give a damn. 

Davey and Mary threw the party together, and they did a good job. Mary had taken care of the important things: the guest list, birthday cake flavor (strawberry shortcake, baked by Dorcas), and decorations (simple, classic gold and red from their school days). Davey had gotten all the alcohol, though, which was a very nice gesture. 

Lily felt the locket on her chest bounce while she danced, her birthday present from Davey. He really was very sweet. He bought her a gold locket, though, when all of her jewelry was silver. 

“Lils!” Remus held her hand and spun her around, “you look hot!”

Pink tinted her cheeks, “thanks, Remus!” They were shouting at each other over the music. 

“Super trouper beams are gonna blind me

But I won’t feel blue

Like I always do

‘Cause somewhere in the crowd there’s you”

She beamed at Remus as ABBA’s melodic Swedish music came over the speaker. This song had colored their experience in secondary school, the only song that could get either of them dancing at a party.

Marlene, Mary, and Dorcas made their way over to her. Crushing their faces together and belting the lyrics, she felt the warmth from their bodies warm her fully. She swayed and twirled and smiled in their arms. Sirius, too, came by and danced with his Moony. Remus, though, always saved belting the chorus for Lily. 

Breathing in the sweet smell of their perfumes mixing with the syrupy bite of alcohol, she felt nearly happier than she ever had. 

_____________________________________________________________________________________

He shouldn’t be here. This, James knew. But he felt a pull to her, though, like the waves to the moon. The moon controlled the waves, but they could never meet. 

Sappy sentiments aside, he couldn’t skip Lily’s birthday. He’d been celebrating them since he was eleven, and celebrating them with her since they were sixteen. 

He loved her. James Potter would always love Lily Evans. Thinking about her, his feelings for her, was like driving around his hometown. He knew every turn, every way in which he had ever been enamored by her. But, besides the lingering romantic feelings, he really loved her as his friend. He loved bothering her while she studied and calling her about girls and watching shitty movies together. 

What hurt the most about loving her was that it was hurting Charlene. He loved her, her soft skin and gorgeous blonde hair. She had a biting sort of sense of humor that was so different to his, but it endeared him to her. He wanted to know everything about her.

But it was Lily who knew everything about James. Everything, and she still returned to telling him he wasn’t a good person. No more stalling, he told himself. James pushed open the door, and was greeted by Sirius. 

“Mate, you look like shite!” He giggled out, flushed from alcohol and the press of bodies from dancing. 

He winced, “thanks, Padfoot.” 

“What the hell happened?”

James smiled weakly, “Charlene said to go to the party.”

“And she said that… happily? Or…”

“Who cares? I just want to get bladdered.” As a matter of fact, James and Charlene had gotten into a massive fight, prompting him to storm out and come to the party. 

Their evening hadn’t been nice, exactly. They ate dinner in a tense silence. Charlene asked why he was being so ‘massuade.’ He hadn’t any answer except the truth, so he told her he was missing his friend’s birthday party. Her eyes flared back at him, amber glowing like hot coals. Somehow, they ended up standing. They ended up in an awful fight. “James, she is not your friend!” Charlene shrieked at him. They stood across their kitchen table like people in a debate. The tiny wooden thing an ocean’s distance, an impasse between the couple.

“She is my best friend, Charls.” He took a deep breath and tried to remain calm.

“Mon dieu, Jamie! You cannot just be friends with her.”

“We have been just friends for a decade.”

“And I see the way she looks at you.” She lowered her voice, dangerously.

His temper was rising, he shouted at her, “How?” James lowered his voice back to a normal volume, “please, Charlene. She looks at me like a friend. Like a best friend.”

Charlene let out a hollow chuckle, “and don’t think I am a fool, James Potter, I know how you return her looks.”

His cheeks flushed, in frustration. They were just friends, he had accepted that long ago and come to prefer that to pining. “Where am I right now, Charlene? I am with you , on her bloody birthday!”

“Then go! Go, comme tu voudras! See if I care.” 

And so he had. 

Lily was suffocating. James’ absence stuck out and lingered over the celebration all night. She kept wondering if maybe he would show, after all. Even with Charlene. Lily didn’t care. She just missed him terribly. 

Snaking through the crowd, Lily finally broke free and went into the bathroom. She stared at her reflection, flushed and sweating in front of her. Was this her happiest self? Why couldn’t she just enjoy her own birthday celebration? Lily splashed some cool water on her face and felt a bit calmer after. Fuck him, she thought to herself. This was her bloody birthday, after all. He can’t ruin it from miles away. 

That was until she stepped out of the bathroom. The lights were turned off across the house, LEDs and soft lighting in the living room to provide ‘ambiance’ in Mary’s words. This left the tiny hallway outside her bathroom very dimly lit. James’ eyes blazed earnestly in the dark, his mouth set into a frown.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

He looked at her incredulously, “it’s your birthday, Lils.”

“I’m aware, Potter.” She steeled her gaze, “I thought you weren’t coming.”

“I know. I’m sorry for what I said, and for not backing you up.” He took a minute step away from her, nearly backing into the picture frame behind him. It was of their friends at their secondary school graduation. For a brief moment, an image of the picture falling and the frame shattering crossed her mind. She wondered, is that what I’m doing?

Still, Lily’s stubborn heart wouldn’t give in, “so, what? Did you bring her here?”

“We, um, we had a row. Don’t really know where I’m staying tonight, to be honest.” 

Lily scoffed, “oh really? She call you a slut too?”

Now, James stepped closer to her, “no. It was about you.” He was so close, in fact, that she could feel his warm breath on her face, “she said I still have feelings for you.”

His eyes, warm and deep, held her in his intense gaze. The air around them was charged. Words from her simmering anger died on her lips. What the hell should she say to that? The confession itself felt like a question, one she wasn't sure she knew the answer to. She faltered, "oh."

James looked down, the tiniest movement, but she caught it. “You’re my best friend, Lily," he breathed. They stood there in each other's gaze for a long time.

Mercifully, James broke eye contact first, casting a guilty look down towards the floor. He took her hand gently and placed a small mesh bag into it. “I, um,” he cleared his throat, “I got this for you, before everything. She pulled out a pair of green earrings, sparkling in the soft lighting around them. They had simple green stones, peridot, she thought, set into silver hoops. 

Lily’s hand moved to the locket on her chest, absentmindedly. She met his waiting eyes, looking for her approval, “thank you, Jamie.” 

“I’m sorry.” His eyes shone with tears, some mix of adoration and sorrow in his eyes. 

“I know.” She heard Mary call for her over her shoulder, “duty calls.” She chuckled.

“Of course,” he smiled appeasingly. 

“Oh, and, you can just stay here tonight.” She added as a last thought.

“Nah, I could crash at Padfoot and Moony’s, no worries.”

“Really, I insist. Even my lumpy couch will allow you better sleep than listening to them all night.”

He laughed, bright and real, “yeah, yeah alright. Thanks, Lil.” James hit her shoulder lightly, “just don’t be too loud with Davey, alright?”

She laughed softly, “no worries there. He’s got work in the morning so he’s going home after the party.”

James said something under his breath, it might have been wimp , but she couldn’t be sure. Lily bounded out to her friends and boyfriend on the dance floor. 

That’s how she spent the rest of the night, laughing and drinking. She accepted sloppy kisses from Davey and even his request for a quickie before he left. Then it was just her, Mary, and James. Mary gave her a significant look when she said he’d be staying over, but she returned a look that said drop it. 

She gathered pillows and blankets for him to make up a bed on the couch. James stood there, already changed into sleep shorts and a worn tee of some rock band he liked when they were younger. She remembered him dragging their whole group to one of their concerts, spinning her around to the songs. Lily looked at him fondly, “Goodnight James. Thank you for coming, I’m really glad you did.”

“Me too, Lils. Thanks for giving me a reason to come,” he smiled and it was so bittersweet it almost broke her heart. 

When she retreated to her room, discarding her clothes and removing her makeup, she thought about the night. About what he meant. Did James mean they were just best friends, that that was all they would ever be? Her hands rubbed her eyes, weariness setting in. Everything is as it was, and as it should be. She had Davey. James was getting married. Laying in bed, she felt strangely cold. After a night filled with so many people and so much noise, she told herself it was just the post-party comedown.

Before she drifted off, though, she thought, I wish James was here with me. 

Chapter Text

Splendidly selfish, charmingly helpless

Excellent fun til you get to know her

Then she runs like it’s a race

Behind her back, her best mates laughed

And they nicknamed her “The Bolter”

February 8, 2024

Lily blinked, opening her eyes to the sunlight filtering in through her curtains. The previous night came flooding back to her, her friends, Davey, James. Oh, she thought, James. She stretched, then rolled over and carefully slid out of bed. Walking to the living room to see if he wanted something for breakfast, she expected to see him sprawled out on her couch like so many mornings after other nights out. 

Instead, she was greeted by folded blankets, fluffed pillows, and a note in that beautiful practiced scrawl of his. His handwriting was pretty much the only elegant thing about him.

Lily, thanks for letting me crash. Gotta head home. Had a great time last night.

Lily let out a soft puff of air, not really a sigh, just a release of disappointment. Something settled in her gut, heavy and uncomfortable. She missed him. Oddly, images of all of their friends at school came to her. Breakfast together at long mahogany tables after dragging each other out of bed. Silent and sleepy smiles, anxious morning chatter, groggily snapping at each other– they saw it all; and every morning, they woke up together to do it all again. Even though she did live with Mary, something had been lost to that time in her life. An ephemeral kind of belonging Lily thought she would never again feel.

When James woke up that morning, he felt an enormous wave of guilt and confusion crash over him. He’d left Lily’s in a haste. Honestly, it probably looked like a walk of shame to most people, in his night clothes at six in the morning. But he needed to leave. Ever polite, he folded his blankets and left her a note. Euphemia Potter didn’t raise a poor house guest.

James let himself into Padfoot and Moony’s apartment with his key, moving to their kitchen table to sit. 

He knew he needed to talk this over with Padfoot. Like fate, or as a result of James perpetually being louder than he realized, Sirius emerged from his room, looking around suspiciously, and smiling hugely when his scanning eyes fell upon him.

His smile quickly fell when he saw James’ expression. Sirius crossed the room to pull him into a tight hug. Pulling back, he put his hands on the taller man’s shoulders, “What happened, Prongs?”

James’ face crumpled. “Oh Pads, I think I’ve fucked it all up.”

March 10, 2024

11:18 AM

sirius: hiiiiiiiiiiii lily

lily blossom bloom: hey pads

sirius: so i was thinking

lily blossom bloom: never a good sign

sirius: nono hear me out

sirius: i miss my lilyflower

lily blossom bloom: i miss you too sirius!

sirius: we should get coffee :)))) 

sirius: my husband is working :))))))))))))))))))

lily blossom bloom: your husband owns the shoppe…

sirius: irregardless, coffee?

sirius: my treat 

sirius: meet u at 3?

lily blossom bloom: that sounds lovely

Squinting to look at the sign in front of Remus and Dorcas’ cafe, Lily took a deep breath. It was a storefront she had seen hundreds of times, even being present at its opening. But today she felt jittery with no apparent explanation as to why. It’s just coffee, she told herself.

Really, it was Sirius reaching out to her that made her slightly anxious. They were friends, it's true, but not usually catch-up-over-coffee friends. Lily had certainly come to appreciate Sirius, though. He was refreshingly honest and fun to be around. After the confusion that shrouded her friendships recently, she needed someone with clarity.

Walking in, she saw Dorcas manning the espresso station, as usual. Her tongue was sticking out of the corner of her mouth in frustration as she watched white steam rise from the machine. Through the haze Lily saw her fiddling with the controls, and hoped it was nothing too serious that would affect the shoppe. Because of the obvious espresso issues, she decided to go with a chai instead of her usual latte.

Their cafe made really incredible chai, aided by James acting as their aficionado. He even brought some to his mum once, and though homemade would always be better, she gave her enthusiastic approval. Millie, the girl who worked the register at the counter, was bright as always, her bracelets and earrings and necklaces making a light tinkling sound as she moved about. She smiled, greeting Lily warmly, and gave her the generous discount all their friends received. Sipping her drink, she was warmed to her core. Cardamom and cinnamon filled her senses and she felt so instantly relaxed. 

Sirius, she hadn’t realized, was already sitting in the corner at a booth. He beamed at her, beckoning her over with his hand. 

She gave him a hug and settled beside him on the deep green cotton cushions, matching the airy, earthy cafe despite the dark color. It reminded her of laying with her sister on top of the moss that grew under the tree in their yard. Petunia was always a sore spot for Lily, her heart forever running between bitter resentment and longing for their old sisterhood. Pushing that away, she turned to Sirius with a smile.

“So, where’s your taller half?” She joked.

Sirius put on a convincingly betrayed expression,“Oh, unfortunately Marlene isn’t here today.” He smiled softly, as he usually did when talking about Remus, “He just ran out to get a few things. I think they ran out of pea milk… or something.”

She laughed at her friends’ commitment to a completely overstocked milk collection. “So,” she began, “how are things with you and Moony? Almost a year married, regret it yet?”

“Not one bit.” Sirius broke out into a genuine grin as Remus walked in the door, throwing a wink in his direction.

“You two are seriously gross.” She rolled her eyes, sipping her drink carefully.

“You’re just jealous!” He smacked her arm lightly and she smiled. 

“Absolutely not,” she quipped, “I am certainly not jealous of anyone’s wedded bliss, or,” she added pointedly, “pre-wedded bliss.”

Sirius looked at her disapprovingly, “now, Lily, you have no reason to be so bitter towards those two.” His tone was just this side of biting, “James says he’s happy, we really ought to let him be.”

Scoffing, she said, “come on, Padfoot, do you really think he's happy with Charls?” She finished, mimicking the way James said her name.

He regarded her sincerely, but with a grimace, “Lily, I know you aren’t one for long term relationships, but this is really what he wants. I talked to him about it just a few weeks ago.”

Struck with confusion, she snapped back at Sirius defensively, “what does that mean? I’m not one for serious relationships? Bullshit.”

“I mean,” he began carefully, “think about it, Lily. Every time a relationship gets serious, you practically run away screaming.”

“Give me one example!” She crossed her arms, petulant and unbothered by it.

“Umm, well, Mary, for one.” A familiar Welsh lilt chimed in from behind her, “hi Lily.” Remus smiled at her exasperatedly. 

“And Olive” Dorcas, also appearing out of nowhere, added.

“Ooh remember when George asked her to meet his mum? That was bad”

Dorcas chuckled, “OMG and when Alex wanted them to go on a trip together. It was only in Cornwall but she freaked.” Lily looked down at her shoes, embarrassed by the scuff marks and the way her mismatched socks stuck out as her pants rode up slightly while sitting. She adjusted her position, not looking them in the eyes.

“Or Kathryn and the–”

“The concert she dedicated!” They exclaimed in unison, quite unhelpfully. 

Lily couldn’t help it, she scowled. Considering all the evidence as her friends laid out so awfully, it was sort of glaring that she had something of a commitment problem. It didn’t paint her in a very forgiving light. “What about Davey? I like him a lot.” She practically pleaded, needing them to affirm she wasn’t wrong or broken.

Remus put a gentle hand on her shoulder, smiling weakly, “Listen, love. It’s alright to not want to settle down.”

She protested, “but my mother likes Davey!” Adding her mother’s weak ‘that’s nice, dear’ from their phone calls to her side, as it felt like no one else was with her. Picking at her chipping manicure, she had trouble meeting her friends’ eyes. She didn’t want to see the accusation in them, the truth. 

“She’s met him?”

She replied honestly, “no. But she liked the idea of him when I told her about us on the phone.”

“That’s nice,” Sirius conceded, placing a hand over hers, “but do you really see a future with him?” Did she see a future with anyone?

Her face grew hot. Why was she suddenly being subjected to an intervention? Lily wasn’t a child. Just because her friends were married or engaged didn’t mean she was less of an adult. Lily doubled down, “yes. He is a really nice guy. You lot just don’t know him like I do.” The line felt cliche even as she said it, faltering on the last few words. Again, she found a really interesting grain of wood on the table.

He looked at her disbelievingly, “if you say so. We’d like to get to know him, if you really are serious about him Lily.”

“Sure, yes, of course.” She blanked on when they could actually meet him, hesitant to find a time. 

“Ooh,” Dorcas joined in, “how about he comes out with us on St. Patrick’s day? That’d be fun!”

Alcohol, loud bars, and little time to actually get to know Davey. “Perfect,” she smiled tersely. “I’ve gotta go.” She leaned into Sirius, a half-hearted gesture. Standing, she glanced back at her friends and was met with three guilty expressions.

“Lils,” Remus started, “I’m s-”

“It's okay. I promise! Thank you for being concerned.” Lily adjusted her bag and coat, bracing for the lingering bite of London winter. He sighed, let down by her, as nearly everyone was recently. She walked briskly out of the shop, tears pricking at her eyes. 

March 17, 2024

9:18 PM

She gave Davey’s hand a reassuring squeeze, he was nervous about meeting his schoolmates again. Lily promised him they’d like him like she does when they got to know him. Honestly, she wasn’t sure that was true— that she liked him or that they would. 

Davey was nice, he liked Lily a lot, that’s for sure. But she never got over the feeling that she was a sort of consolation prize to him. Dating Lily was aloe to the burn of his awkward and antisocial adolescence. However stale he felt at times, he was good to her and she thought he tried his best. 

That was what most things felt like to her these days, earnest attempts at love. Him, trying to really love her. Lily’s attempts to give it back. James’ desperate need to please his parents— to please his fiancee, with Charlene never being quite satisfied. Even her friendships, and their concern for her dating habits, felt hollow coming from their own stable, long term relationships. Nothing ever hit the mark. 

At any rate, Davey was good and boring and stable enough to stymie her friends’ interventions and questions. They walked into the bar, already awash with green and smelling of Guinness. She did her part in contributing with a deep green corset top and dark wash jean skirt, just this side of too short, and, of course, two springy little four leaf clovers on a glittery green headband placed securely in her auburn hair. 

She spotted her friends at a table not too far from the bar, Marlene and Sirius were in what looked like an arm wrestling competition, with Remus looking on fondly. Dorcas and Mary were surveying the bar, and her roommate’s eyes lit up when they landed on her. 

Waving high above the crowd, Mary beckoned her and Davey over. Being the only one who had actually re-met Davey, Lily was sure she had given the table her own opinions before Davey arrived. Lily was also sure they weren’t overly positive. She gave his arm a squeeze and pointed out the group to him, holding onto his arm as they weaved through the crowd. 

“Lily!” Sirius released his grip on Marlene’s palm to come greet her. He hugged her tightly, pulling back with his hands still on her waist. Sirius turned his gaze on Davey, his eyes glittering with Tinkerbell green eyeshadow, and looked at him appealingly. He let go of Lily and held out his hand to her boyfriend, “Gudgeon! Good to see you, mate!”

Davey shook his hand and nodded, turning to greet the rest of her friends. The girls politely said hello and asked basic questions. Lily leaned into him, let his arm ghost across her lower back and pull her in even closer. 

“So,” Marlene began, “how did you two meet again?”

Davey effused, “it’s a funny story, actually!” It wasn’t, actually. They met while she was out one night and it was so inconsequential to her that she didn’t even mention it to Mary. They’d spoken for not even five minutes before she politely excused herself, going back to find her friends. 

Later that night, she had a text from an unknown number, 

0141 786 2578: Hey! It was so funny running into you tonight, we should catch up sometime :)

Lily hadn’t even seen the message until the next morning, bewildered and hungover, and couldn’t put the pieces together until later that afternoon. As Davey recalled the story, telling it with an impassioned fervor, she nearly zoned out.

Her attention was brought back in by Dorcas asking, “So, did meeting again rekindle an old flame?” A mischievous smile played across her lips. 

Sirius raised his eyebrows, as Davey replied, coy, “Yes, actually. I always thought she was proper stunning in school. I was just too nervous to say anything.” His smile was saccharine and she felt absolutely nothing as he looked at her, but she kissed his cheek and smiled back anyway. 

It was then that James and Charlene finally showed. She smelled spice and sea salt as James came up from behind her, squeezing her shoulder. “Happy Paddy’s day!” He grinned brightly at them. Charlene smiled tightly in lieu of saying hello. She was all over him, pulling him down for a kiss every few moments. 

Their group chattered lightly, loose from alcohol and generous with laughter. Charlene and Sirius laughed, whispering in French and sharing conspiratorial smiles. Lily spoke to Marlene about her tattoo shoppe, about maybe getting another one herself. She had a lily flower that climbed up the side of her ribs, and thought maybe she’d get a rose for her mum one of these days. 

Conversation turned to Peter and his studies, nearing the end of veterinary school. Charlene congratulated him, smiling and rubbing his shoulder. His eyes brightened, beaming back at her. 

Charlene forced Davey into a conversation about wedding flowers. He looked so lost, but her presence was the kind you couldn’t say no to and he obliged her as best as he could. 

“I didn’t know Charlene and Davey knew each other,” Marlene remarked. 

“Oh yeah,” James began, “well, they met the other day when we all had dinner together.” He smiled at Lily, and she nodded, “and Davey’s mum runs a flower shoppe. We’re looking into having her do the flowers for the wedding.” 

Sirius intoned, “ooh, lucky Lily, nabbing a bloke who knows all about flowers.” He grinned, and she could see he was trying to acquiesce her, almost an apology for what happened the other day. 

She giggled, “lucky me,” pulling a surprised Davey away from his conversation to kiss him. 

James’ smile looked plastered on as he leaned into her to ask, “have you had anything to drink?” Adding, after a beat, “or Davey? Charls already told me what she wants, so I’m gonna go grab something.” 

She replied, “you’re sweet, Jamie. We haven’t had anything yet, could you grab me a drink? And um…” She struggled to remember her boyfriend’s favorite drink, “whatever holiday drink they have.” She smiled at Davey, “he’s a sucker for that kind of stuff. 

“Yeah, of course. Wanna come with me? I’ll need an extra hand to grab them all.” Lily panicked, trying to remember that she was giving James space. Glancing around, she caught Remus and gave him a worried look. 

He’d been eyeing the pair already, and interjected, “I need to stretch my legs, and get us another drink. I’ll come with you, James.” 

He looked a bit put out, but smiled anyway and walked off with Remus. Lily leaned into Davey once more, looking just once behind her and catching James’ unreadable tawny eyes. 

11:02 PM

Davey’s hands gripped her waist, swaying them in time with the music. Lily felt his hot breath on her neck, occasional kisses trailing down her shoulder.

She pressed into him, feeling the drumline thrumming through her. Alcohol made time go loopy and everything feel a thousand times more potent. 

Davey squeezed her ass, and she turned to face him. His eyes flickered downward, and then darted towards the door. Taking initiative, she grabbed his hand, leading the pair outside into the cool night. 

The air sobered her, a bit, and Davey began to kiss her hungrily. Soft lighting from the lamps contrasted his harsh, ultramarine eyes. She turned, kissing his neck, and looked up to find his eyes fluttering closed. 

As they kissed, her mind began to wander, an unfortunate habit. She thought of James, just for a second, before pushing the thought away, ashamed. Try as she might, she couldn’t stay in the moment with Davey. She rationalized it, blaming the alcohol, blaming her friends for getting in her head. Listening to the sounds of the city around her, she heard the door to the pub swing open, the practically ancient wood creaking open. 

“Lily?” Her eyes opened suddenly, finding James standing there. His eyes blinked rapidly, mouth parted. “I’m sorry,” he choked out, and immediately turned around. 

This time, she heard music floating out of the open door, and took the opportunity to stop Davey for a moment. “Love, it’s cold out here, let’s go dance, yeah?”

He looked disappointed, and she tried again, “Aw come on, we can have fun later.” She promised, smoothing her hand down the front of his shirt and winking. 

“Alright then,” he breathed, still flushed.

Back inside, she clung to him, moving slowly to the song. She rested her head on his shoulder, casting her eyes around, looking for her friends’ faces. 

Across the room, she caught sight of long blonde hair and knew it was Charlene. James looked straight at her, holding Charlene’s waist. He looked forlorn, even betrayed. She dropped his gaze, burning even from that far away. Her skin felt tight, her face heating uncomfortably. She sighed, and Davey must have thought it was for him because he squeezed her waist reassuringly. Finally, she looked at James. 

Anger flared in her, who was he to shame her for snogging her boyfriend at a bar. How many times had he done worse with whatever girl he’d been dating at the time? 

He was still looking at her, she hardened her eyes and shook her head. His eyes widened, and at that moment Charlene leaned up to whisper in his ear, and began to lead him away towards the bathroom. A perfect example of his hypocrisy.

Lily told Davey she wanted to leave, and they walked hand in hand back to the table to round up their friends. Peter was driving them, and they all made their way back to his place to crash. Liquor sloshed around in her stomach with every bump and lurch of the car the whole way home. 

Stumbling inside Peter’s building, she leaned on Davey for support. He felt nice, warm and comforting. She could smell his expensive cologne, and it too made her slightly nauseated. But, it was familiar when mixed with the smell of Peter’s flat and the yellow gatorade Peter gave each of them, forever the mother hen.  

Only her, Davey, Remus, Sirius, and Mary had come back. They all settled into various places on his furniture, Remus sitting in Sirius’ lap on his big blue armchair. Her and Davey sat pressed together on his couch, it was squishy and she sank into it so much she felt it might swallow her whole. 

They put on Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day, and she let her mind rest while it watched the film she’d seen so many times. 

When she was about to drift off, the drinks caught up to her bladder, and she got up to go to the bathroom. Davey was conked out beside her, snores rattling his chest. She ever so carefully moved his arm off of her shoulder, tip toeing so she wouldn’t wake her friends. 

The light was harsh in Pete’s bathroom after such a long night of dark rooms. Lily stared at her reflection. Her green liner ran a bit under her eyes, making them look ethereal and also a bit sick. Puffy and still a bit red, she could see the remnants of red lipstick kissed off her lips. Sleepy emerald eyes peered back at her, and a blush still crept across her cheeks. All of her features individually should make up a face of joy. The face of a girl after a good night out, well loved and content. 

But there was a hollow in her eyes, so contrasted to what she expected that at first she didn’t recognize herself. However she moved, that emptiness behind her eyes never changed. 

She smiled, she splashed water in her face, she sat on Peter’s counter and stared at herself, hard. No matter what, Lily couldn’t shake that look. 

Finally, she hung her head, rubbing her hands over her face roughly and resting it between them. Her eyes flickered across Peter’s sink, smiling at the pomade she knew he’d used for all of their school years that still sat there. But as she looked, her eyes snagged on something else, something odd. 

A tube of bright pink lip gloss was tucked into the corner, almost hidden away. Lily wracked her brain but couldn’t remember Peter seeing or going home with any girls recently. His sister Pippa lived in Copenhagen and rarely visited, so she doubted it was hers. 

Fondly, she smiled, thinking of shy, sweet Peter hiding away his new girlfriend. She hoped that the girl was treating him well, he caught so much flack from the other boys for not dating as much as they do (despite him technically having more partners than Sirius or Remus…). 

Feeling warm and affectionate, she returned to the couch. She laid on Davey’s chest and fell asleep to his heartbeat.