Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Kohane woke up from her alarm, drowsy, yawning and stretching from a satisfying sleep.

She turned her alarm off and got ready for another day at Miya Girls.

On her walk there, she would usually stop and admire the scenery, but she couldn't! She was too excited for practice after school. An said she had a surprise for her, and she couldn't contain her anticipation.

Like a song that wouldn't leave her head, the anticipation made the school day blur by. She greeted her friends, then suddenly she was at lunch, and then the final bell had rang.

She hastily went home and changed into something comfy, then rushed to the Weekend Garage. When she arrived, An wrapped her in a big hug.

"Hi, Kohane!! How was your day?♡"

"Good! Hi Shinonome-kun! Hi Aoyagi-kun!"

Akito simply nodded, and Toya replied with a "Hello, Azusawa-san."

"So, An-chan, what's the surprise?"

"Oh, it's nothing much! Just something I made!"

She grabbed a small box from behind the counter, opening it. Inside were two bracelets with each of their names on it.

"I made us matching rubber band bracelets now that we're official! I didn't want to do anything too flashy since I didn't think you would be the type to want anything like that, so I decided to make bracelets! You can get the one with my name, and I'll have the one with your name!"

She put the bracelet on Kohane's wrist with such gentleness, and Kohane could tell how carefully they were crafted. It had blue, gray, and orange, like An, and the rubber bands were weaved with carefulness. Kohane couldn't help but blush at the kindness of the gesture, as it made her undescribably happy.

"N-Not much-?! An-chan these bracelets are amazing!!! Thank you!!!"

She said, now battling tears as she threw her arms around An in a loving hug. An truly was the best girlfriend ever.

She put the bracelet on her nightstand when she laid in bed that night. They had practiced for quite a bit, so she laid down earlier, though she wasn't used to sleeping this early, so she decided to go on her phone and scroll to pass time. She saw some usual stuff. People talking, sights to see, art, some pictures of some yummy looking desserts she should take An to get as thanks. The thought of An filled her with so much warmth and happiness, she wished she could envelop An in another hug. 

She kept scrolling and saw some cool street outfits that she thought would fit Akito and Toya well, so she sent them the outfits on the group chat.

She had always thought boys outfits were nice. They looked so casual and comfortable and everytime she saw them. Not that her clothes weren't, but she always wondered what it would be like to be a guy.

She had always wondered why she usually had male favorite characters in TV or anime or games. She really had liked and admired the shows W×S preformed, and that one from her school festival. But usually from those the guy characters were again, her favorites.

  And, she would imagine her own stories and characters because of the preformances. And while she doubted they were as good as the one's the troupe preformed, it was really fun.  But one thing she noticed was that most or all of the characters were guys. When she wasn't doodling her an An, it was of her characters.

She had tried to make girl characters but they never stuck as well, she thought the guys were more interesting. And while she didn't think much of it, and it probably didn't mean anything, she still wondered why. 

Then she wondered if she were to try acting. 

The first thing she thought was that she wanted to play a guy. 

W-what-?? No that would be silly... My voice wouldn't match at all! A-..and...

she got the thought out of her head. She didn't mind playing a girl. Its what made sense, anyway.

What makes sense...

She decided now was a good time to go to sleep. She was probably so tired she couldn't think right, anyway.

She had a dream that night that she couldn't remember when she woke up. She went to school like every other weekday.

Despite it probably being irrelevant, it wouldn't quit bugging her.

why was that the first thing I thought of?

She looked at her bracelet, and it calmed her down. 

itll be fine, just forget it. Besides, you have to catch up for what you missed yesterday!

That snapped her into shape, and she had forgotten what troubled her so much after a few classes.

She went to see An that day, and it was in the back of her mind. It wasn't bugging her that much anymore, simply a quiet hum in the buzzing of thoughts of An.

But after those thoughts calmed down, the hum was a little bit louder, and it looked like An could tell, but she could also looked like she could tell it wasn't that much of a deal, so she didn't ask.

Kohane felt a little bad.

why won't it leave?

it's probably that I didn't sleep well last night, and I just need to stop thinking about it. I'm being paranoid.

So she stopped worrying and focused on preparing the mics for their practice.

Akito and Toya showed up a few minutes later, and Kohane got reminded of her thoughts from last night. How wanting to play a male character was her first thought.

its probably just because i was thinking of how guys are typically my favorite characters and i was so tired, its nothing.

its nothing.

i need to stop worrying.

Chapter Text

Kohane sighed, time for another day of school. It began to drag on in the second half of the year, like it did every year, even if she had friends at school to make it more bearable.

She got out of bed and looked at herself in her mirror. She didn't have any complaints, really, but her dad recently wouldn't let her wear long sleeves to bed anymore. Saying she needed to 'dress for the hot weather' and her dad didn't believe her when she said it was 'because they were comfortable' no matter how many times she said it. She wasn't used to the short sleeves.

She walked to school and was tired and a little annoyed. 

I bet guys don't have to spend nearly as long getting ready. And this.. stupid girly uniform...

Recently she had stopped wearing skirts for casual wear and wore shorts instead. She was getting annoyed with girly stuff.

its probably about time I outgrew it all anyway.

That day, she went to her locker at school. She was organizing and heard some students talking about her. Nothing bad though, and the conversation shifted to An. 

"I mean, An is Ken's daughter, no wonder she's a good singer. Oh-! And she has a partner now! Probably some cute boyfriend? She won't say who and I'm not going to pry, but it makes you curious, yknow?"

"Yeah..."

Their voices faded as they walked away.

hehe~ I'm that cute boyfrie-GIRL-...GIRLfriend...

Kohane shook her head, trying to get her thoughts in order.

She frowned out of slight annoyance but also confusion, because that correction felt slightly wrong. 

The bell rang, saving her from her thoughts as she went to class.

Kohane went to An's after school. They played some racing game, laying on her bed together. An previously had an arm around Kohane, but she started losing from playing one-handed, so she was now focused on the game, but the outcome seemed bleak.

"YOU'RE ON THE LAST LAP?! NO FAIR!! WAIT FOR MEEEE!!!"

An yelled, trying her best to catch up.

Kohane normally would let her win, but she was having too much fun watching An flip out.

Soon, the game ended, and Kohane came in second, and An in 6th.

"Awww... no fair!! I wanna rematch!!"

An fake pouted, and Kohane thought it was adorable.

"Hehe, don't worry, An-chan! You'll beat me next time!"

I don't like how high my voice is, it's too girlish...

"Well, honestly I expect nothing else from my girlfriend!! You should've got first!"

An said adamantly, shaking her fist at the NPC that won 1st.

Kohane laughed at An.

Awww.. An's so cute...

...

I don't like my laugh......

...

...

..."girlfriend"....huh...?...

...

N-No-!! I shouldn't be ruining this-!!! But...

Kohane couldn't stop a slight falter in her smile, and An noticed.

"H-hey... Kohane..?"

"Huh...?"

She didn't mean for that to happen.

"Oh, there's no need to be so startled!" An chuckled, a drop of nervousness laced it."It's just...you've been acting kinda funny recently and I'm worried..."

An took Kohane's hands in hers, Kohane glanced at the matching bracelets, oh she loved An so much. What would she think?

"O-oh! Yeah sorry... Its nothing... Just been busy with school, haven't been getting enough sleep."

She smiled, lying through her teeth.

"Oh, really?.. Well, I can help you study whenever!"

An seemed conflicted as to trust her partner or to speak her mind. She didn't believe her.

Kohane left that night feeling guilty.

this has to stop...

...but how?

Chapter Text

Kohane yawned, looking at herself in the mirror. She really needed to fix her bed hair. 

This whole confusing boy thing had been happening for awhile, but she was trying her best to leave it behind her.

She laid in bed, it was the weekend, so there was no rush. She scrolled on her phone, liking all of her friend's posts and commenting on all of An's.  She was about to close out from boredom, but found something that caught her eye.

It was a video with a cool outfit in it. She had been recently liking a lot of boy-ish outfits she liked, so she watched it and it was pretty cool. She sighed, hugging a stuffed animal ----gifted from An, of course---- close to her. 

what do i do?

is there even a solution to this...?

She thought about searching it up, but was a little scared. What if she was insane? Nervously, she typed in

<I think boy's clothes are cool and I sort of want to be one. Help??>

she shakily hit search, and clicked on a site where someone was asking something similar. She scrolled through the thread of replies, which seemed to be mainly between the asker and someone else.

<I want to be a boy? What is this?>

<are you a girl?>

<yeah>

<you might be trans!>

<what>

<transgender! Its this thing where you feel like being a different gender(usually what's opposite of yours) seems better or you want to be the other gender.>

She gasped in her head. This. This is exactly what she felt. She did a different search this time, instead for transgender.

Looking through the results, she felt a little better. But, what would everyone think of her? Would they judge? She wondered what the rest of her group would think. What about her parents? Her friends? Even the vocaloids over in SEKAI? If she was trans, would it change everything? Would everyone see her differently? What if it wasn't right, and then she doesnt know what she is? 

...

i need a breather...

ah, right... i could go to SEKAI...

but...

...

well, i suppose it's the only place i feel like going right now.

Before she knew it she was being surrounded in multicolored triangles, and the familiar SEKAI came into view, it was basically her second home. She breathed in and out, it was calming being here. She walked far from the cafe, she couldn't let anyone see her right now, not just because she still hadn't gotten ready at all, but because the thought of anyone seeing her so troubled with these kinds of thoughts made her feel a little sick with worry.

After only a few minutes, she returned home and laid back in bed. She felt bad not saying hi to the vocaloids but she wasn't there to hang out, and she especially didn't look it, either.

She remembered they have a performance in a few days. She really didn't feel like it.

She stood and looked in the mirror again, fixing her bed hair a little this time.

transgender......

maybe... if i...

...'this is azusawa kohane! he's in my class! he's-....

She couldn't finish it. It bugged her because she hardly looked it at all, and felt silly trying. 

maybe....if i....

Grabbing her hair, she put it behind her head like a ponytail, but then let it sag a little, trying to see what she would look like with short hair.

maybe... a haircut would help..

She looked up some pictures for reference, finding what she wanted, then texted her mom.

<hey mom, can you maybe schedule a haircut for me?>

She told her friends she was getting a haircut and showed them all pictures of what she wanted.

"Ooh, that would look super cute, Kohane!"

An exclaimed, beaming.

"That would look good on you."

Toya smiled, but Akito looked a little surprised.

"That's a little short, don'tcha think?"

Kohane chuckled nervously.

"Y-yeah I wanted to try something new..."

"Oh, I didn't mean to sound judgy, I was just wondering."

"No its fine!"

The day of the haircut felt like it had came fast. Her mom had got it scheduled and said it would look cute on her. She sat in the chair and time seemed to drag on. She occasionally glanced in the mirror, and she couldn't stop herself smiling from excitement and nervousness. 

It was done before she knew it, and she looked in the mirror and smiled widely at the result.

She thought it was crazy how much a simple haircut could make her look more like a boy. It had similar bangs as her last haircut, but her hair was now to her shoulders, near the bottom of her neck. It was a lot more fluffy too. She thanked the hairstylist greatly. Then, with a big happy smile on her face, went to her mom's car, where she was waiting. 

"Do you like it?"

"Yes I LOVE IT!! Thanks mom!!"

They drove home. The hairstylist wasn't far, but just far enough it would take a long time to walk it. She sent pictures to her friends and they all said how cool she looked. 

"Hey, Kohane?"

"Yeah?"

"Why didn't you want your hair short?"

"I dunno, I thought it would look cool."

Her mom paused for a minute.

"Do you want to be a boy?"

Kohane froze up a little. She was scared but had a small shred of hope in her. 

"Could I.. become one?"

"No."

Her hope was crushed faster than it came. She can't. Her mom won't accept her....

.....

what..... what am i supposed to do now? 

She suppressed her tears.

mom and dad....won't ever accept me as one... will they?