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Chapter Text

From a very young age, Mari had always been a perfectionist.

When she was very young, she would have mental breakdowns about her hand-writing not being perfect. She would scream and cry and hit herself over and over again. People would have to calm her down and reassure her that whatever she was throwing a fit over was good enough.

They didn't understand.

How could they not see it?

How could they not see how wrong it was? Were they just being nice? Or did she just see things that they didn't?

She was eventually able to grow out of that by age 8 or 9, but the instinct never fully went away.

She would still occasionally hit herself on the head or legs when she couldn't meet her own impossibly high standards.

It continued to happen less and less often over the years. She was able to repress it enough to where it became a pretty rare occurrence for her, until she turned 13.

Soon after turning 13, she heard some of the classmates sitting near her gossip about one of the other kids in her class. She usually didn't care for that kind of thing, but she still couldn't help but overhear it sometimes. They were talking about this kid who always wore long sleeves all year, they said that the kid supposedly cut themselves on their arms on purpose, making fun of them about it.

Hearing it made Mari feel weird. She glanced over at the kid on the other side of the room. They didn't seem to be in any pain or anything, they looked a little down, but other than that, they seemed pretty normal. She continued to think about what she had heard for the rest of the day.

When she got home, after putting her bag down and relaxing on her bed for a bit after a long day of school, she remembered what she heard earlier. She dug her small pencil sharpener out of her bag and went downstairs to get a screwdriver and remove the blade. She was glad her parents weren't home yet, and Sunny seemed pretty preoccupied with whatever game he was playing to notice she was up to anything. After removing the blade, she threw away the shell of the pencil sharpener and held the blade close to her as she made her way back up the stairs and into the bathroom, where no one could see her. The whole time, an odd feeling had been building up in her chest. She was scared.

She shut and locked the door to the bathroom, and slowly sat down with her back against the door. She stared at the small blade in her hand for a second, and then slowly rolled up the left sleeve of her cardigan. Continuing to feel the butterflies in her stomach. She held the blade up to her inner arm, and hesitated for a moment. She tried to cut a few times, but just felt too weird about it to do it, always stopping herself right before she could.

She tried closing her eyes.

And quickly slashed across her arm.

After a moment, she opened her eyes again. There was a small cut on her arm, not very deep, with blood starting to come out of it. She just watched. It began to form small red beads along the cut, and the flow of blood slowed.

She felt strangely good about it. It stung, but it seemed to clear her mind a little bit. She had already been having feeling pretty bad about herself that day, she completely forgot a homework assignment in one of her classes that she needed to do well in. At the time, she was incredibly angry at herself, but pushed the feeling down.

And now she felt like she finally had a way to let it out.

Mari closed her eyes again and thought about her assignment. She thought about how stupid she was for forgetting it, and thought about how disappointed everyone would be if she didn't get a good grade in that class, how she would let everyone down. She was so selfish for that.

She readied herself for a second, and slashed repeatedly across her arm. She winced in pain and soon stopped.

After another moment, she opened her eyes, and found that she now had 6 small cuts across her left arm. The original cut was the smallest, and was separated from the others, while the 5 she just did were longer and closer together, some overlapping and going different directions.

They were imperfect. Just like her.

Mari grew a small smile.

She eventually washed the blood off of her left arm, her hands, and the blade. She rolled her sleeve back down and walked back to her room, putting the blade back in her bag for future use. Sunny seemed to not notice anything suspicious as he continued playing his game shortly after glancing at her when she walked back in. Mari immediately regained her normal, cheerful, perfect personality, as if nothing had just happened.

No one could ever find out.
No one could ever know how imperfect she truly was.
This new thing, it was just for her.
It could be as imperfect as she wanted. No one would ever see it.

The cuts still stung, but the reminder of their presence was a welcome one to her.

After that, it quickly became a habit for her. Anytime she had done something wrong, she cut herself. If she couldn't, she would remember it for later. If it was too hot to wear long sleeves, she would cut the top of her legs instead. She never cut deep enough to leave a scar that would be noticeable to anyone unless you were looking for it, at least not on her arms.

She didn't do it too often most of the time. It fluctuated depending on how she felt. Sometimes she would go multiple weeks without it, sometimes she would do it multiple times in 1 day. It would usually lessen during the Summer time and Winter break, without having to worry about school.

Mari is 14 now, turning 15 soon in March. Sunny had just gotten a violin for Christmas, and soon they would begin playing together.

Chapter Text

January 16th, 199X

It's Saturday today, and the weather outside is incredibly cloudy.

It's a perfect day for sleeping in and relaxing, but not for Mari.

It's 3PM, well passed lunchtime, but Mari hasn't eaten yet. Her breakfast was already very small, as well. She never liked eating a lot in the morning.

Mari is practicing the piano, she has been basically since she got up. She knows Sunny and their shared friends are most likely relaxing, cozying up in their bed or on the couch, but not her. She planned to relax a little later, after practicing, but that was going on much longer than she thought it would. As it often does. She had only been planning to practice until lunch.

She just needs to get it right.

She can ignore the growling in her stomach a little longer.

She just needs to get it perfect, even if just once. Then she can eat and relax for the rest of the day, probably.

She continues playing, stopping immediately when her finger isn't positioned quite right and accidentally presses the wrong note. She quickly raises her hands from the piano into fists, stopping herself from slamming down on the keys in frustration. She closes her eyes and sighs, and untenses herself.

After a moment, she begins playing again, from the top.

Mari fails again.

She tries again.

Mari fails again.

She tries again.

She tries again.

She tries again.

Mari fails again, she punches her right leg, and tries again.

She fails again.

She fails again.

Mari punches harder, multiple times.

She takes a deep breath. One more time.

Wrong.

Mari slams her fists down on the keys, before instantly realizing what she just did and quickly pulling her hands away, as if them just being near the piano will risk her slamming them again.

Mari really hopes no one heard that. She doesn't want them to know she got mad. She's not supposed to get mad. She's supposed to be good at the piano. This is wrong, this is wrong, this isn't her, this can't be her. What if she slams the keys too hard, or too many times? What if she breaks them? What would everyone think of her then? Who would she be then? The thought alone makes Mari feel a little sick to her stomach. Or maybe that's just the hunger talking.

Goddammit. This was supposed to be a nice day. This was supposed to be a nice morning. She failed. She ruined it. She isn't this perfect girl who's always cheery, and good at the piano, and gets good grades, and has nice, peaceful, mornings, and is always a joy to be around. She's just someone who gets mad over nothing, makes a lot of noise, and makes everyone's day worse, including her own. She's imperfect.

She hears someone by the entrance to the piano room.

"...Hey, Mari..um...is everything okay?..." Sunny quietly asked, trailing off a bit at the end of his sentence.

"Hm? O-oh, yeah, I'm okay, don't worry! It's fine now." Mari replied after a moment, turning to face him before speaking.

After a pause, he responded. "...M'kay..."

She could tell by his face that he didn't really believe her. He seemed disappointed, almost, that she didn't answer truthfully. A second later, he left the room.

Her heart sank. Someone did hear. Sunny even came to check on her. Sunny, the one who usually avoids conflict and struggles to talk to others, he came to check on her. She did something so bad that even he had to come see her. There's no doubt that her parents had likely heard too. Did they not come down to check on her because they didn't care? Or were they already expecting this, and didn't think much of it? She desperately hopes it's the former. She doesn't want others to think of her like this. She really had just made everyone in the house's day worse. She's so terrible.

Mari sat there for a while in thought, before sighing and standing up, closing the piano cover before leaving.

She knew what she was doing, it was almost second nature for her at this point. She walked up the stairs and into her room, unzipping the bottom pocket of her backpack and taking the small blade out, before walking to the bathroom and locking the door.

This was not her first blade. The one she used before had started to dull and become less effective, but she did get a small knife for cutting paper when an art class of hers required it for an assignment. She hadn't actually needed it since then, but she kept it anyways. It was useful for this. When she got it, it even came in a pack with spare blades, so when it got too dull she could swap it out for another new one.

Mari sat down on the bathroom floor and removed the plastic cover from the blade, and rolled her left sleeve up. There were various scars littered across her arm, some old and mostly healed, others as recent as last week. She had to cut further up her arm this time.

She moved the blade close to a soft spot on her skin where the planned to do it, and closed her eyes.

Mari readied herself. The first one was always the hardest.

She slashed once.

Then again.

And again.

And soon she tensed up her body and began to slash wildly at her arm once again, continuing to cut until it hurt too much.

She eventually stopped and, after a bit, and relaxing her body, she opened her eyes.

There were many dark red lines of blood across her arm, and some blood being smeared across, rather than building up along the cut. That must have been from her fingers rubbing against the blood when cutting over the same area multiple times. The blade and her fingers on her right hand were covered in blood. Some blood still continued to leak out of the cuts on her arm.

She stayed there for a bit, just looking at her bloody arm and seeing how more came out, and how it slowly darkened as they began to solidify onto her arm.

Eventually, she let out a deep sigh and stood up. She walked over to the sink and washed off her arm, her fingers, and the blade. After making sure the blood on her arm was solid enough that it wouldn't stain onto the inside of her sleeve, she rolled her sleeve back down, put the cover back on the knife and put it in her pocket, and walked out of the bathroom. She returned to her room and put the knife back in her backpack, and zipped it closed.

She stood up and stared out the window for a moment, unsure what to do next, before going to lay down on her bed.

Her arm still stung, but she felt ready to continue on with her day, like she was back to her normal self. She didn't quite feel like going through the effort of making lunch, so she decided she'd just eat later, and decided to lay in her bed for a little longer.

With the pain in her left arm not leaving her, she drifted off to sleep.

Chapter Text

March 29th, 199X

Mari and Sunny were practicing.

They had been practicing for a while now.

Mari stopped playing as soon as she recognized Sunny's wrong note, Sunny froze up at the gesture. She didn't say anything, but he knew what it meant. He dropped his arms to his side and looked down. He didn't respond, but Mari could read the frustration on his face. He looked like he wanted to say something, but he did nothing.

Mari realized she should probably offer a break. She really didn't want to, she really wanted to get this right. It had to be perfect. If it wasn't perfect what would that mean for her?

She then berated herself in her head for thinking like that. Sunny's happiness is more important than her fragile sense of self. She was selfish for allowing herself to think like that.

"Um...Sunny? We can be done for the day, if you want." She said with a careful voice.

He looked down again, pausing for a moment before just saying "Fine." and putting his violin down and quickly leaving. Sunny was never one to express his anger outwardly, and even then, she could hear the frustration in his tone and how he left. It was unnaturally aggressive for him.

Mari didn't know what to do, but she had messed up. Sunny was clearly getting frustrated and stressed out over it. She could tell how he felt. He felt like he wasn't good enough. He felt like he was just dragging Mari down. He thinks that Mari offered to stop because she was tired of him messing up. And the worst part it that he was kind of right. She was so terrible. She understood why he felt the way he did and only made it worse.

Mari could tell he wanted to stop, but offering to stop after failing would only make him feel worse. Mari didn't know what to do. Why didn't she know what to do? She should know what to do. She was supposed to be a good sister. Everything was wrong. Everything was so wrong.

Mari left the music room and walked up to her room. Sunny was not there. She pulled her blade out of her backpack. It was second nature.

After a moment, she decided she would cut herself in here, in her room.

Sometimes she would do it in their room instead of in the bathroom. It was scarier. There was nothing to clean the blood with in there, she would have to go to the bathroom afterward. She risked someone coming in or seeing her in between her room and the bathroom. Something about this risk, it made it feel more real to her, as if doing it in the bathroom was making it "too easy" on herself.

Of course, she feared others finding out about her habit more than anything in the world, so she did this very rarely, but right now, she was having a hard time bringing herself to care enough to walk over to the bathroom.

She sat down on her bed and rolled her left sleeve up. Cuts lined up all over her arm. Frantic and unaligned and messy. Imperfect. She brought the blade up to her arm and closed her eyes as she had done many times before.

She tensed herself and held the blade tightly. The first one is always the hardest, she told herself. Then she began to slash wildly. It hurt. She didn't stop. She kept going. It hurt so bad. She continued.

Mari heard a knock on the door. Her heart sank and she completely froze.

She opened her eyes. Her arm was covered in messy cuts going in all directions, crossing over each other and turning into a mass of blood on her arm. Somewhat dried blood built up on her fingers holding the blade and on the blade itself.

After a few seconds, she answered. "U-um, h-hold on a second!" No response.

After another pause she quickly put the cap back on the, still bloody, knife, and put it in her pocket. She carefully rolled her sleeve down, hoping not too much blood would get on it. She stood up and turned around for a second to look at her bed again, making sure there was no evidence, then made her way to the door.

Mari opened it and found Sunny waiting on the other side. She tried her best to put on a smile and act like nothing was wrong.

Before he could say anything, Mari quickly spoke up. "I-I have to use the bathroom real quick." She hurried over to the bathroom.

Locking the door behind her, she rolled her sleeve back up. The blood was smeared a bit but luckily it didn't seem like it would have stained the sweater. She pulled the knife out of her pocket and slumped against the wall, sliding down to the ground.

She didn't know what to do. Her heart was beating fast. Sunny almost found out. He almost found out how terrible she really is.

The thoughts of Sunny finding out what she does to herself overwhelms her. She can't stop thinking about it. She closes in on herself, curling up and holding her knees close to herself with her arms as she drops her head and begins to cry.

It stung. It hurt so bad. Everything hurt so bad. She hurt Sunny so bad. She could have hurt him so much worse. She's terrible. She's a terrible sister.

Her thoughts began to spiral. What if Her parents found out? What if Hero found out? What if Kel or Basil or Aubrey found out? What would they even think?

What if one of the younger ones followed in her example? Just the thought of Sunny or Basil or Kel or Aubrey hurting themselves like she did made her feel sick. She hated thinking about it. She hated thinking about any of it. She was so terrible to do this to them. She can't do this to them. She can't let them know.

As long as no one else knew, there was no harm in what she was doing. She thought it was helpful to herself, and it wouldn't affect anyone else as long as she kept it to herself.

The more she thought about it, the more it hurt. She continued weeping. She couldn't let anyone find out. She's so scared. So terrified of the idea of people knowing. How it would break their hearts. How disgusted they would be. How she would be the center of attention for such a horrible reason. Everyone knowing. It scared her so much. This would be all she is. All she is to everyone. She wouldn't be the perfect, kind, pretty girl that she was supposed to be. She would just want to stop existing in that moment. She was so so scared.

Eventually, in what felt like so long yet gone by so quickly, she calmed down. She raised her head and sighed. She had no more energy for crying. No more energy for cutting. She lifted herself up and slowly walked over to the sink, rinsing the blood off of her arm and hands and the blade. She tried her best to clean the blood off of the inside of her sleeve.

She lowered her sleeve once again, and put the knife back in her pocket. Everything was back to normal. How it should be. She gave herself a weak smile before leaving.

When she returned to her room, she saw Sunny looked a bit worried for her, but he said nothing. Her heart dropped again upon seeing him, but she tried her best to stay the same as she always was. She decided to conclude that him saying nothing meant it wasn't that bad, she didn't want to think the alternative.

She just needed to keep this together, and everything would be okay. No one knew. It was okay. She just needed to do a little better.

Chapter Text

July 8th, 199X

Everyone was over at Basil's house for a sleepover. It was midday and they had already been hanging out for a good bit.

Mari and Hero sat side-by-side on the couch while the younger ones of the group went to get snacks in the kitchen. Mari sat closer to the window, and the sunlight illuminated the middle of her body. She was looking out the window, admiring Basil and his grandmother's garden outside. With her arms lit up by the sun, Hero noticed the many thin white lines cross-hatching the inner side of her left arm. After a moment, he decided to ask her about them, mostly just out of curiosity.

"Hey, Mari?" She turned her head to look at him. "So, what's the deal with all those scratches on your arm? I've never noticed them before now."

Mari felt her heart drop. She hadn't even thought about it. It had been long enough since she last cut on her arms that they were all faded by now, since it was summer time, she had only been cutting on her legs recently.

Hero didn't miss the way she seemed to tense up at the question. She slowly covered her wrist with her other hand and looked off to side before she answered, with a bit of a panicked voice. "O-Oh! th-those are uhm... uh.. th- they're from Mewo!" She turned to look at him and smiled with her eyes closed, hoping to reassure him. "Y'know how cats are sometimes! Mewo just likes to playfight with peoples hands and arms a lot." She wasn't lying about that part. Mewo had done it with Hero before, too, so she really hoped it made it sound more believable.

"Hm. Really? That much?" Hero asked. Mari nodded and responded quickly. "Y-yeah! I guess her being my cat means it just happened a lot. They're super old and they don't hurt at all or anything so don't worry about that!" Near the end of her sentence, she finally got herself to look Hero in the eyes again. She carried a bit of a worried smile. After a moment, Hero accepted it. "Hm. Alright, then. Now I'm just surprised I hadn't noticed them until just now, heheh." Hero expected that to be the end of the conversation, but was surprised when she seemed to quickly worry again and asked him, "Are they really that noticable?... I didn't think they were..." She averted her eyes from him again.

"Huh? Well, I don't know, they're fine! I guess I meant I was surprised because I see you so often. But, it's fine, they're not that noticeable. And even if they were it's not a bad thing or anything! Nothing to be ashamed about." Hero tried his best to reassure her, raising his arms up defensively while talking. He wasn't sure why she seemed to insecure about it. Everyone gets hurt sometimes, and her reason for it made sense.

She still had a bit of a sad look on her face, but she responded "Yeah, you're right! It- It's fine." Hero could tell there was more going on. He figured maybe she was insecure about it since she's normally such a perfectionist, and this was just a part of that, wanting her body to look as perfect as it could. He decided not to pry any further, as he thought he mostly understood it. He held her hand and gave her a reassuring smile. She looked back and tried to do the same.

Soon after, the rest of the group returned, and the conversation ended.

As the day continued on as normal, the earlier conversation with Hero still stayed in the back of Mari's mind. If she thought about it too much, it caused her stomach to churn again. She needed to be more careful. She needed to cut on her legs more, it was so much easier to hide. No matter what she wore, her upper legs would always be covered, and she wouldn't need to wear long sleeves in hot weather like she had many times before. She knew only cutting on her legs would have made things so much easier for her, and yet she kept doing it on her arms when it was cold enough to wear long sleeves. Mari didn't know why, and at the moment, she hated herself for it. She just felt that any time she could do it on her arms, she should. It felt more "real" to her, like as if cutting her legs "didn't count".

She was glad she couldn't think much about it at the moment, with everyone still hanging out, she was usually snapped out of her thoughts pretty quickly throughout the rest of the evening.

Hero had noticed, too, throughout the rest of the day, that Mari seemed a little less talkative than normal. It wasn't by much, but sometimes she would seem to get lost in thought and not say anything for a bit. If someone asked her a question while it happened, she'd usually have to ask them to repeat themselves right after. Hero tried his best to be as reassuring to her as he could, giving her reassuring smiles and hand-holds. He really hoped she would stop worrying about it so much, though he knew how hard it was to get Mari to stop worrying about something once its in her head. She always stressed about needing her piano playing to be perfect or to have the perfect grades or to always be the perfect friend or sister or girlfriend. He figured this was just another symptom of that, and tried his best to help her with it, as he had before. 

>>>>>>>>>>>

It was later in the night, the lights were off and they were all watching a movie together in the living room. Mari and Hero both on the couch, with the others sitting up in their sleeping arrangements on the floor, leaning back against the bottom of the couch. Kel and Sunny had already fallen asleep next to each other not very long ago, Kel falling asleep first, then Sunny a bit after. They were both such fast sleepers.

Since things had calmed down a lot, Mari had a lot more time to think about what had happened earlier. The entire day, she couldn't stop internally screaming at herself for being so careless. For getting Hero so close to finding out.

Mari could tell Hero had been worried for her since it happened. He had been so kind with her since then. It made her feel horrible. And the fact that it made her feel horrible also made her feel horrible, too. He was just trying to help her. She shouldn't be feeling bad about it. That's not fair to him. She should be letting his kindness work on her. And she shouldn't be needing it in the first place.

Even if he didn't know that she hurt herself, she still made him worry anyways. She couldn't control it. No matter what she did, it would have caused him to worry about her. She didn't want him worrying about her. She didn't want anyone worrying about her. She wasn't supposed to be someone who needed others help, she was supposed to be the helpful one. She was supposed to be the one who was always there to help others. She couldn't stand the thought of others worrying about her. The thought wouldn't leave her mind. It was overwhelming her. She had to be perfect but not worry about it so much that it made others worry about her. She felt like she didn't know what to do again.

Eventually it was too much. She stood up to go to the bathroom.

Once she went in and locked the door, Mari didn't know what to do. She wasn't at home, she wasn't at school, she didn't have her blade. She needed to cut herself and she had nothing to do it with. She wished she brought it. She had done it before. She had never done so with it in her pocket though, she only did if she brought a bag. Keeping it in her pocket risked it falling out and others seeing. So now she wished she had brought a bag, just so she could have brought her knife with her.

Mari looked in the cabinets under the sink for anything sharp she could use. There was nothing. She pulled out a nail clipper. She was desperate. She pulled back the edges of her shorts. She tried using the nail clipper to grab onto her skin and then pull away to rip it off. It worked, but it wasn't enough. She kept trying. She tried to make it hurt as much as she could. She kept pulling and pulling and pulling. It wasn't enough. She barely bled at all. The marks were so small. It was so pathetic. She felt so pathetic.

Soon after, she had a thought. It made her stomach hurt. She really shouldn't do it. It was a terrible thought. She put the nail clipper back in the cabinet. She slowly opened the door of the bathroom. No one was looking. Her stomach churned. She crept so slowly and quietly across the hall. She slowly twisted the knob to Basil's door, making sure it made no noise at all. She felt so terrible. She walked in. She slowly walked to the other side of the room. She was shaking. It was a terrible idea. She shouldn't be doing this.

She looked on his desk, it wasn't there. She looked in the drawers, it wasn't there. She looked on top of his dresser. She looked in his closet. She looked under the planting table in the corner of the room.

She found it.

Basil's gardening shears.

It was terrible. She was terrible. Her stomach hurt.

She shouldn't be doing this.

Mari grabbed the shears and slowly left the room and quietly closed the door to Basil's room. She began slowly creeping back into the bathroom, but was stopped by a sudden sound.

"Oh, H-hi Mari." Basil spoke, with his usual stutter.

Mari jumped. She quickly hid the shears behind her back and turned to face Basil.

"O-Oh! B-B-Basil, h-hi!" She forced the best smile she could.

"Oh, s-sorry. I didn't mean to s-scare you, heheh. I was just-just going to my room to grab m-my Gameboy, Au-Aubrey wanted to see Link's A-Awakening, s-since I was t-telling her about it."

Mari, wanting to get away as soon as possible, decided that would work well enough to end the conversation, and swiftly moved over to the bathroom, making sure to keep her body turned to keep Basil's gardening shears out of his view. After quickly closing the door, she leaned back against it and let out a large sigh. She put her head in her hands and slid down to the ground.

That's twice in one day that someone almost found out. The scene kept replaying in her mind. She imagined if he had saw the shears. She imagined him confused, asking why she had them. She imagined herself struggling to come up with a response. She couldn't think of one. It scared her so much. Even if it didn't happen, the fact that she couldn't think of an excuse, even now, terrified her. She needed to stop thinking about it. It didn't happen. He didn't see. It's fine. She didn't need to think about it.

She removed her head from her hands and looked at the shears she held. She felt so awful. She once again raised the edge of her shorts. Her previous failed attempts stared back at her. Small smears of blood on her left thigh. She gripped the shears tighter.

She slashed across her leg. It hurt. It bled. It bled more than she thought it would. She kept going. She cut harder. She dug the shears into her leg and dragged it across and off the side. Her leg was a mess of blood. It was hard to make out the distinct cuts, it all blended together. She kept going. The one leg wasn't good enough. She lifted the edge of her shorts on the other leg with her bloody hands. She cut and slashed and dug and scraped over and over again. She felt tears build up in her eyes. The blood dripped down to the floor on both sides. It hurt so bad. She was so careless. She was so horrible. She kept going until both her upper legs were just pools of blood that trailed onto the bathroom floor.

Mari stopped. Her hands shook. She looked at the shears in her hand. They were covered in blood. Basil's shears were covered in her blood. She covered someone else's possession with her own blood. She used something that belonged to her friend to hurt herself. She was terrible. She knew she could wash it off, but the thought still echoed in her head. She ruined Basil's shears. She ruined them for her own, selfish, secret, reasons. Basil would continue to use them, never knowing what she had done to them. She was terrible. She ruined everything for all of her friends.

She eventually stood up, careful to not let her shorts drop back down and get too much blood on them. She had a headache. Her vision felt fuzzy. The blood-loss must have been getting to her. Her whole body was shaking. She walked over to the sink and washed the blood off her hands, putting the shears down on the counter. She grabbed toilet paper to try and get blood off of her legs. A lot of it was already partially dried. She kept using more and more until she was sure it wouldn't get on her clothes, then she lowered her shorts back down. She grabbed more toilet paper and walked back to where she sat on the floor and cleaned up the blood off of the bathroom tiles. The trash can was filled with bloody pieces of toilet paper. She grabbed another piece and laid it on top of the rest in the trash can, pushing it down, making sure the bloody pieces would not be visible.

Mari picked the shears up off of the counter and started thoroughly washing them off in the sink. She kept double checking them to make sure she really had gotten all the blood off. She had started crying during the cleaning process. Eventually she dried them off and was satisfied with her cleaning job. She wiped the tears from her eyes and took one last look at the bathroom to make sure she had covered all her tracks, and then slowly left.

Keeping the shears behind her back again, she made sure no one was in the hall. The door to Basil's room was left slightly open, so she quickly went in and put the shears back and left. She knew moving so fast made more noise, but she was so scared of being seen again that she wanted to just get it over with as fast as possible. Once she was done, she took a second to make sure she had no more tears in her face, and put her smile back on, slowly walking back to the living room.

Mari laid back down in her spot on the couch, nobody asked her why she had taken so long in the bathroom, but she could tell by their looks that they had realized how long it had been. The rest of the sleepover continued on as normal, and eventually she was the last one awake, still feeling the stinging on her legs as she drifted off to sleep.

Chapter Text

October, Day of the recital, 199X

Sunny and Mari were in their room. The recital was today, they were getting ready. Their parents were out making preparations and so were most of their friends, besides Basil. Basil was at their house until it was time to go, he was waiting downstairs somewhere.

Sunny was doing some last minute practice with his violin in their room, with Mari helping him.

He messed up. He recognized it and immediately stopped before Mari could say anything.

Wrong.

He couldn't get it right. He could never get it right. Mari kept correcting him. He was gonna mess it up. The recital was today and he still wasn't ready.

Wrong.

He couldn't do it. He tensed his fists and gripped the violin and bow tighter.

Wrong.

Every time he messed something up, he felt a surge of energy in his body. He kept repressing it. He couldn't get mad.

Wrong.

It was too much. He was ruining Mari's recital. He was going to ruin it, and yet he still let himself get mad. This wasn't about him. He just needed to do his part.

Wrong.

He didn't even like playing anymore. He just had to do this. He couldn't do it.

Wrong.

He felt tears start to form in his eyes. He messed up again. He quickly pulled the violin and bow away. He wanted to throw them in rage, but he couldn't. He had to do this.

Wrong.

Mari wasn't saying anything at this point. He wasn't sure what she was doing. He was tuning her out. All he could focus on was the violin.

He got back into position...

Wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

He felt himself playing much more aggressive and forcefully. He couldn't do it. He couldn't-

Wrong.

He threw the bow across the room.

He heard Mari quickly get up and approach him. He wasn't paying attention to what she was doing or what she was saying. He ran out of the room with his eyes starting to well up with tears again.

Mari quickly followed behind him. He was standing at the top of the stairs. He threw the violin down with all his strength. He wasn't thinking. He heard it shatter. He heard Mari gasp and run over to him.

Sunny could hear her yelling at him. The shattering sound of the violin had grounded him a little, but he still couldn't pay much attention to what she was saying.

Something about it being expensive. Something about the recital being tonight. Something about not knowing what to do.

It was too much. Sunny needed to run. He was so scared. He ruined everything. He just needed it to end. He just had to get away.

He tried to run down the stairs, Mari blocked his way.

"Hey! I'm not done talking to you!-"

Sunny pushed her out of the way. He just wanted to get away. He wasn't paying attention to where he was.

He pushed her down the stairs.

Mari let out a loud gasp before catching herself on the railing.

Everything stopped. She was breathing heavily, so was Sunny. There was fear in both of their eyes. They stared at each other for a second before Sunny turned and ran away again, this time into the bathroom, locking the door.

Mari straightened herself out to stand again and let out a loud, frustrated groan. She was so mad. She was mad at Sunny, but most of all, she was mad at herself. She knew she handled that wrong. She knew she shouldn't have yelled. She knew she shouldn't have lectured him. She knew she was doing something horrible and she kept going, only stopping when she feared for her life.

Her fists were clenched. She was so mad at herself. She had to hurt herself. She had to. Now.

She quickly stomped down the stairs, stepping over the broken remains of the violin at the bottom, and headed towards the kitchen, when she saw Basil clutching his hands close together. She completely forgot he was here.

"U-um, M-Mari? W-what happened? Is everything,-"

"Get out! Now!" She didn't mean to say that. why did she say that? She just needed to get to the kitchen and be alone as soon as possible. She let out another frustrated groan and looked down. "J-just. Go try to help Sunny. He's upstairs. I-I'm sorry for yelling at you."

"B-but, Wh-what happened, Mari? Is Sunny..."

"Please." she said quietly, still looking down. She just needed him to leave. She just needed to be alone in the kitchen.

"S-sorry! I'll-um, g-go see Sunny." She must have made him feel awful. He didn't need to apologize. He did nothing wrong. He was gone before she could say anything.

She must have scared him so bad. How could she forget he was here. He must have heard everything that just happened. She's so terrible. Now she's hurt 2 people she cares about today. Why can't she stop doing this?

She just has to make herself hurt worse. She just needs to set things right, to make it even, to make it worse than even. She continued into the kitchen.

She grabbed a knife from the counter. She sat herself down leaning against the walls of the kitchen counter. She gripped the knife hard and slashes across her left arm. It was all a blur. She wasn't thinking about it at all. She didn't care it was on her arm and she wouldn't be able to hide it. She didn't care how much it was bleeding.

She slashed again. And again. And again. Blood was dripping down her arm. It was forming a pool of blood on the kitchen tiles. She didn't care, she just needed to do this. It hurt so bad. It needed to. She felt lightheaded. She moved the knife to her left hand, and began slashing at her right arm. It was getting on her dress. It was forming another pool on blood. It didn't matter. She kept going.

Her vision began to waver. Everything sounded muffled. She kept going. She had to keep going. She needed to hurt worse. She felt so numb. Her senses continued to leave her.

She passed out.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Sunny heard a knock on the door. He didn't want to answer, he didn't want to face her yet.

He heard a voice.

"S-Sunny? Are you i-in there?" It was Basil's. There was so much worry in his voice.

Seeing Basil would be okay, he thought.

Sunny didn't want to talk right now, so he simply unlocked the door and opened it a little, signaling to Basil to come in.

Basil walked in and found Sunny curled up on himself, with his back against the wall beside the door, crying. Basil sat down next to him and looked patiently towards Sunny.

Sunny didn't make eye contact, though he rarely did. He let himself speak.

"...Broke the violin..." He mumbled.

"Oh, y-yeah, I-I saw it at the bottom o-of the stairs. Um, Wh-what happened?"

Sunny paused for a moment, and closed in on himself more.

"Y-You can tell me, Sunny. I-I promise. I'll a-always be on your side."

Sunny stilled for a little longer, then spoke again, not lifting his head.

"...Was mad...I...felt like I couldn't do it. I couldn't perform. I wasn't good enough. I threw it without thinking... 'M sorry..."

"You know n-no one would be disappointed in you i-if you didn't play perfectly, right?"

Sunny lifted his head, and stopped holding his knees to his chest with his arms, before speaking again, still looking away from Basil "...That's not true... I know it's not. Mari would be. M-my parents would be..."

"I-I'm sure Mari wouldn't be, a-and probably n-not your mom, either."

"Yes she would be. Mari has been disappointed with me almost every time we play. I-I-I'm n-not even sure sh-she still likes me anymore... And-and-I-"

"Hey, h-hey, S-Sunny, Sunny!..." Basil gently grabbed Sunny's hands. "...Sunny, o-of course she does! She's y-your sister, nothing could change that. M-maybe she's just s-scared of the same thing you are, like, d-disappointing everyone, or-or maybe she doesn't understand h-how you're feeling. B-But no matter what, I-I know she would never ever hate you. I promise."

Sunny was now looking at Basil, even if not meeting his eyes. He was silent for a bit and held Basil's hands a little tighter. After a bit, he let out a sigh and stood up, and pulled Basil up.

He wasn't sure if he believed what Basil had said or not, but he was atleast calm now.

"W-We should p-probably go check on Mari now, i-if you want. She seemed really upset too..." Sunny nodded, they were both thinking the same thing. They left the bathroom and walked down the stairs, avoiding stepping on the violin at the bottom. Basil led them into the kitchen, since that's where he last saw her. They turned the corner and-

"O-Oh my god!-" Basil instinctively let go of Sunny's hand to hold both of his over his mouth. Sunny didn't say anything, but he let out a shaky gasp. They both instinctively took a step back. Tears began to well up in both of their eyes.

They saw Mari, unconscious, laying on the floor, with her back lightly leaning against the kitchen counter. Her arms were covered in large cuts and somewhat-dried blood. There were pools of blood on the floor, staining the bottom of her arms that rested on the ground. Her dress had splashes of blood littered across it. There was a bloody kitchen knife held loosely in her hand.

Chapter Text

After a moment, Sunny and Basil rushed over to Mari. Sunny knelt down next to her, he had already began crying.

Basil looked at Sunny. "I-I-I'll b-be right back, o-okay?"

He quickly left to go grab the first-aid kit. He hoped Sunny understood, he really didn't want to leave him alone any longer than he had to.

Basil returned and put the first-aid kit down, then he grabbed a hand towel and wetted it. He knelt down on the opposite side of Mari from Sunny and used the wet towel to wipe off the blood on Mari's arms. It wasn't the best way to clean them, but he just wanted to get it done as quickly as possible so he could apply the bandages sooner.

Basil opened the first-aid kit and grabbed the gauze, and began wrapping it around Mari's arm. Meanwhile, Sunny was on the other side, crying and clutching Mari's other arm close to himself.

He held her arm close, some of her blood got onto his hands and arms in the process. He didn't care. He had his eyes closed tight, repeatedly muttering "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." between his cries. This was all his fault. If he hadn't destroyed the violin, this wouldn't have happened. If he wasn't so terrible, this wouldn't have happened. He made her do this. He did this. He did this to her.

If only he wasn't so bad at the violin. If only he wasn't so emotional. If only he wasn't so shortsighted. So stupid. So selfish.

Basil had finished bandaging her left arm, and stood up and moved over to her other side. Basil gave Sunny a look to signal for him to move out of the way, which he hesitantly did. Sunny stood off to the side while Basil began working on her right arm. He had stopped crying for a moment, and blankly stared at Basil and Mari from behind. He thought about Mari hurting herself. It didn't make sense. Did she think this was somehow her fault? Why would she do this? It made no sense. It wasn't fair.

Sunny suddenly felt the urge to do it himself. Hurting himself had never occurred to him before, and yet it seemed to make so much sense instantly in his mind. He had to. It wasn't fair. Mari didn't deserve this. He did. He should have been the one bleeding out on the floor.

He couldn't do this now, not while Basil was here, and he couldn't leave either. But the thought continued in his head. He began to idly pinch himself on the arm while staring at Basil and Mari, only partially paying attention to what was really going on. It hurt, and it was the least he could do.

Basil finished bandaging up Mari's other arm and stood up, turning to Sunny. He saw Sunny pinching himself, not seeming to really notice Basil was done. Basil gently grabbed Sunny's hand, stopping him and getting his attention.

"S-Sunny. S-Stop, p-please...It's...It's okay. Everything's going to be okay. Please..."

Sunny didn't know what to say. He let out a small, quiet, hum in response, just to at least let Basil know he heard him. It seemed to work. Basil turned back around and knelt back down besides Mari, prompting Sunny to do the same. He looked over his work one more time to make sure he did a good job.

"Um...S-Sunny, l-let's just l-lay her down, okay?...So...She can r-rest... C-Can you help m-me pick h-her up?"

Sunny obliged and they brought her up the stairs, carefully stepping around what was left of the violin, and into their room, laying her down on her bed. They took another look at her. She looked peaceful. As Basil went to leave, Sunny was still staring, and he grabbed his hand to lead him out of the room.

They went back down the stairs and Basil let go of Sunny's hand to pick up the shattered remains of the violin, walking over to the closet to get it out of the way and to hide it until they figured out what to do later.

Sunny sat down at the bottom of the stairs and looked up to see Mewo near the kitchen. He slowly stood up and walked over to her, seeing her cautiously sniffing Mari's blood on the floor. He gently picked her up and sat back down on the stairs, petting her to comfort himself and keep his mind occupied. Basil came back from the closet and sat down next to Sunny, focusing on Mewo as well.

They stayed like that for a long while until they suddenly heard a knock at the door, causing both of them to jump from the sudden, loud sound. They both looked at each other. "I-I'll get it. D-Do you want to come, o-or stay here?" Basil stood up and Sunny did not answer, but closed in on himself a bit more while still looking towards Basil, trying to signal that he wanted to stay. After a moment, Basil nodded and walked away towards the door.

Basil opens the door to find Kel, Aubrey, and Hero on the other side.

"H-hi, guys." he says, diverting his eyes and holding his hand up as a wave.

"Hey! Are you guys almost ready?" Hero asks.

"U-uhmm... I-I'm not, s-sure..heh.." Basil steps aside to let everyone in.

Aubrey turns to Basil. "Hey, Basil. Did something happen?" She asks with a worried expression. She must have been able to tell he had been crying.

"O-Oh, uhmm... N-no, I'm okay. I-It's fine." He cringes at himself for adding that last part. She clearly isn't convinced.

"Are you sure? It's okay if something did."

"Y-yeah. I-I'm okay, r-really." He knows its not convincing, but he hopes she'll at least drop it for now.

"Hm. Okay..." She responds, almost sounding dissapointed, diverting her gaze away from him. She goes towards the stairs to talk to Sunny.

After a moment, Hero turns to Basil next.

"Hey, Basil, um, where's Mari?"

"O-Oh! She's uhm, She's in h-her room- B-BUT uhmm, she's uh..." He trails off and Hero looks at him expectantly. Basil continues after realizing how much time had passed. "J-just! Don't go in r-right now..."

"Hm? Why? Is she, like..."

Before Hero could finish that thought, He's interrupted by Kel. He can instantly tell something is very wrong.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Aubrey walks over to where Sunny is sitting on the bottom stair, holding Mewo and staring into nothing.

"Hi, Sunny." Her words caused him to jump a bit, and he looked towards her as she went to sit down next to him.

"What were you thinking about?" She asks him. Sunny looks back at the floor, and after a moment, is able to get himself to talk a little.

"Nothing..."

She simply hums in response and starts to pet Mewo with Sunny.

After a bit, Sunny makes an extremely small, almost imperceptible, gasp. He completely freezes up, and his eyes are wide. Aubrey notices and follows his gaze to see Kel returning from the kitchen. He's holding his hands together close to his chest, and there is fear in his eyes. He looks so much unlike his normal self. It scares Aubrey.

Kel speaks.

"H-Hey, um, Basil and Sunny? Wh-Why is there...um..." He trails off, unsure of what he should say.

Basil nervously runs up to him, his hand hovering a bit behind Kel's back. He wants to comfort him, but he's too nervous to do it. "K-Kel, y-you didn't- did you- uhm. wh-what d-did you see?" He retracts his hand mid-sentence.

"I saw um..." He doesn't want to say it. He doesn't want the others to know what he saw. He's so so scared. He forces himself to talk. "I-I saw...A-a-a b-bloody knife on the ground. A-and th-there was b-blood on the floor, too..." He hesitantly admits.

"What... What happened? W-Where's Mari, Basil?" He's starting to tear up.

Basil tries his best to respond. "U-Uhm! Sh-She's okay! D-Don't worry! She um, she's just, it's just, it's not...uhm..." He's struggling to answer. Aubrey runs up to him, worried. Sunny stays sitting on the stairs, watching intently.

Hero speaks in a serious tone. Basil turns around to see him intently looking him in the eyes. "Basil, please tell us what happened."

Basil tightly shuts his eyes and holds his hands together close to himself. Everyone is looking at him expectantly. He opens his mouth to speak a few times but is never able to get a sound out. His eyes start to tear up again. He feels so stuck.

This continues for a long time. Hero speaks again, reaching a hand out to put on his shoulder. "Basil-"

Basil cuts him off quickly, subconsciously moving his hand up to knock Hero's hand away. "She's okay! I-I promise sh-she's okay!"

Hero exhales and responds, dropping his arm back to his side. "Basil. I believe you, okay? Can you please just tell us what happened? Whatever it is, you can tell us, I promise."

Kel and Aubrey nod in affirmation, Kel a little slower.

Basil looks away again and tries to answer. "Sh-she, uhh...She-"

Sunny stands up and speaks "Um..." It gets everyone's attention. Sunny gives himself a moment to breathe, then speaks again. "Mari hurt herself. ...She's resting in her room right now. She passed out but Bas- ,er, w-we helped her."

They turn to Basil and he slowly nods to confirm what Sunny just said. There is a deafening silence. Aubrey is holding her hands over her mouth in shock. Kel folds his arms and looks down, lost in thought, more than he already was. Hero just stands with his arms by his side in disbelief.

Sunny speaks again, "I'm sorry..."