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Chapter Text

Until now I always thought I would honor somebody if I would promise not to make them immortal. To not write about them, not to wrap them in words of velvet and satin. To leave them to their humanity and facets and the radiated emotions only for me to see and for time to remember.

That might change.... I think to value someone enough means to write enough about them to cover all their faces. Since that is impossible and a life-filling adventure, there might linger the essence of immortality. It might be selfish of me.

In the end I mean to say,

It is not the writing or the not writing which is important.

It’s important how often and much you write about them. 

My love, 

I hope to always be near enough to watch the small smile curl your lips and tug at the cheek of yours and I want to watch as color floods into your cheeks. They turn pink when you catch me staring and lovely, lovely red when I catch you. 

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Hand me a red plastic cup 

Though I prefer to sip tea from a clay jug 

Grab hold of my hand and lead me into the drumming beats

Even if I involuntary hum myself a melody

Gather my hair up in a small, dirty toilet with walls cramped with graffiti 

While my cat sits at the window and watches snowflakes dance from the sky 

Redo my makeup while I sit at a bathroom sink 

Gazing into the forest which is your eyes 

Pull me back through sweaty bodies into the hopping crowd 

Worth it makes the glimmer I catch in your eyes 

when you are a part of them and dance all night 

Worth it makes the buzz a touch of ours 

For all the energy you radiate 

I may not like the way you spend your night 

But I'll be damned if I don’t spend my night with you

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I sit in a circle of dudes my age 

And I am quiet and I keep watching. 

There is nothing I can bring myself to say 

Because it would not matter. 

I am surrounded by people who can hear

I feel the beat of the music drum through my heart and I am quiet. 

I sit on a lousy empty chair 

And I watch you all dance and kiss and chat 

And I feel so very lonely

There is a barrier closing my lips 

It is a heavy lock on my mouth 

And I panic when I get asked anything 

I can not bring myself to step out of the chair and start a conversation 

I do not open my mouth 

Because there is nothing I could say that would matter 

If only there would be someone 

Who would look me in the eye

Look me in the soul and give me a moment. 

It is strange to hope for a stranger to come to me and take my hand 

Still it is all it takes for me.

Listen to my soul when my mouth will not speak a word. 

Grab me by the hand and party hard 

Or grab it and be interested in me 

I'll get to know you 

That’s what I would need to know 

A person I can stay with 

My mouth is taped shut 

I cannot say anything else than the necessary things 

Though I really wish not to be so lonely 

Chapter Text

Rain is falling.
I woke up terribly sad.
I think I have to walk through the falling drops
My shirt soaked until it clings to my body
And my toes must dig into the mud
Until they are feezing cold.
Only then I will be alright again
The wind has to cut though the layers
Surrounding my skin
Pierce through that heat
And suck the warmth from my body

Until I am at the mercy of the tides
Until I lay in the grass drenched by the howling winds
Thrown to the ground by the green branches whipping through air

When I lay there on the ground
My linen dress - once bleached by sunlight and laughter - is brown from mud and splashes

A daisy will root in my soul
One by one
Juicy leafes and life gifting flowers will join.
They will crowd my heart,
Petals pressed against each other
My chest will buzz from the bee wings.

Maybe then
In the silence of the roaring storm,
The splashes of the rain onto the leaves,
The caresses of hard rain on my face

Maybe then the flowers and the storm will fill me from toes to the tip of the nose
With courage
And strength
To face the humans
With flowers in my soul
A piece of where I come from
In my heart

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As usual my chest is swarmed
Inside me teeny-tiny bees are swirling.
I now know it's the lack of sleep
and stress of the last weeks
I wish I could tell my younger self that this feeling is not the end of me
and sleep and rest is most I need at the moment.

And I wish I could tell her -
The lonely girl in the back of the class
With very few friends,
Afraid to speak up -
That everything will work out fine.

By the age of just 19
She'll feel alright again
She'll have friends who look out,
She'll regulate herself better
Her needs are met
And most of all
She has met somebody who makes the room fall away.

It does not fall into ignorance -
By 19 someone has joined her side.
When she now sits in a crowded room,
Surrounded by shouts and arguing and noisy complaints
It's not her heart that leaps and her skin crawling from her bones
But her eyes that travel across the room
When they lay upon him -
The loud voices fall a bit more shallow
And a smile dares to peak on her face. 

In his eyes she finds the peace of the forrest
In his hand near to hers lingers the calmness of the falcon trailing in the sky
Just like she watches the camoille swaying with the weat
She finds herself refecting

And loving her young man.

I wish I could write her a letter
To tell her to keep her head up
Not to stare at the ground she walks
But rather into the blue sky and it's clouds
They take on every form and shape there is
Carrie her far away
I wish I could encourage her to life her life a little more carefree

But all I have is a life at just 19. 

Chapter Text

To kiss goodbye 

a blow knocking the air out of lungs 

to hold on you a moment longer 

a deep breath 

hoping your scent will stay in 

until we see again 

Chapter Text

You said I had to go
I knew.
I didn't want to

You hugged me tight
My fingers crawled into your shirt
Your lungs rose against mine

Only after the third kiss
I noticed you holding back
I burried my face in your neck

"We're in public"
You apologized for the invisible staints
The redness of your cheek didn’t vanish under my fingertips

We wait until the last second
Right before the giant brakes squeek
I part from your warming arms

Through the window we weave goodbye
I knew I didn’t want to
But in the plush seat of the train starting to rumble to life
My mind slipped to the other place - wrapping me in a hot towel

I remember your hand in mine
In the crumpled sheets
To fall asleep to your breath