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There is something peculiar about the way Tsukishima looks at Karasuno's gym. There is no emotion, as in Hinata's eyes, nor a determined look, as in Kageyama's eyes, nor even a hint of effort, as in Yamaguchi's eyes, and much less a nervous look, as in Yachi's eyes.
Tsukishima is falling into a void, a void that has been brewing inside him for years. He doesn't hate volleyball—why would he? It was objectively a good sport, fun and all that, his brother loved it... there it is, that's the key... he loved it... These clubs are supposed to be for fun, but then why did his brother look at him like that? Why did he hear his brother cry so horribly after his theater fell apart?
Kei was proud of his brother, his big brother who was the star of Karasuno, who could spike even over the highest walls, who trained harder than most and played with passion and dedication.
But how long ago had that ended. Why hadn't his brother told him? His brother's image crumbled that afternoon when he saw him... pathetically cheering on the team he had joined but didn't need. Along with his brother's image, his passion for volleyball also crumbled.
What for? Why try so hard? It was just a club, it's not like he was going to turn professional, so why did his brother seem so hurt?
They never really recovered. Kei cannot trust his brother, even after years. Kei joins Karasuno alongside Yamaguchi, but the distance between him and his brother has only grown. Now it is uncomfortable. Tsukishima prefers not to leave his room if it means living closely with his brother.
And from one moment to the next, as Kei grows up, people seem to have an exis on their faces. He was never much of a friend, but now, the agent passes by him like a blur, everyone except Yamaguchi, who is something of a constant in his daily life, respects Tsukishima's silence but speaks when necessary. Sometimes Kei wonders when Yamaguchi will get tired of his horrible personality and leave. It would be logical; he would walk away if he were Tadashi. But he guesses that the freckled guy is just a masochist.
When he joins Karasuno, he doesn't really think twice about joining the volleyball club. He knows that Karasuno isn't what it used to be, which makes him happy. He'll be playing with mediocre players, and it'll just be a club where he can spend his afternoons and avoid being at home. Kei isn't very demanding when it comes to sports; as long as the team isn't so bad that he'll be embarrassed, he's fine with it. But then the other elementary school kids, a so-called “dictator king” and an orange-haired dwarf, and Tsukishima hear in the back of his head once he warns him that maybe, just maybe, this club isn't going to be so mediocre after all.
He plays alongside Tadashi and captain Sawamura against that strange duo and Tanaka and realizes firsthand that it definitely won't be a quiet club. No sooner said than done, with those two acquisitions, the team takes off despite one of them being a complete novice, they get practice matches, and everything starts to get complicated.
Kei sighs one night walking home alone; Tadashi goes to practice with the man with glasses from the neighborhood association to learn how to do floating serves, and Tsukishima thinks it's stupid and, deep down inside, he's a little worried about his friend.
He loves Tadashi, but his friend is too sensitive and doesn't excel at anything, and he doesn't want him to end up as disappointed as his brother was years ago; but he doesn't say anything, he never says anything. Who cares? He just wants to block some shots (especially from that shrimp) and go home. He doesn't want to overexert himself or strive for something that can cause someone so much pain (something that caused him so much pain, so much so that his relationship with his brother fell apart).
Kei isn't stupid; he knows that what ruined his relationship with his brother were the lies he told them, but volleyball was also a factor. His brother had been forced to lie to him so as not to disappoint him because he wasn't good enough. At first, after that horrible incident, Tsukishima was furious with his brother. He came home and locked himself in his room. He heard his brother knocking on the door but refused to open it. Hours later, his face was still red, but his stomach wouldn't stop growling. He left his room and passed by Akiteru's room.
Ugly, agonizing sobs could be heard inside the room. He looked through the half-open door and saw his brother crying in front of the school jersey he had never been able to play in, where he was just a cheerleader with an X on his face, the club that had ruined one of his best years, because frustration and sadness would not leave him alone.
Perhaps unconsciously, Tsukishima decided that he would not go through that kind of pain if he could avoid it.
Volleyball camp began, and Kei was forced to notice the absurd difference in skill between Hinata and himself. He knows that Hinata is much better than him, more skilled, faster, more dedicated; and at first he thinks he doesn't care, and he doesn't, until Yamaguchi opens his eyes, yells at him, and shakes him, both physically and metaphorically.
“Maybe you don't like volleyball because you're bad at it.”
Bokuro's words open something else inside him. He wants to improve, he really does. He thinks about it, thinks about trying hard, and then the desire fades away. But he looks at his team: Hinata, who already stands out as much as he can; Kageyama, who is a prodigy; Nishinoya-san, who is openly recognized and doesn't think it's so necessary.
But now something has changed, and he begins to improve.
The satisfaction of seeing the enemy's defeated face when you block the shot is wonderful, Tsukishima is fascinated.
They win
They beat Shiratorizawa and Kei is happy, Yamaguchi looks like he's about to explode, he hugs him and everyone celebrates. Tsukishima looks at Akiteru in the stands for a second and feels that at that moment they might be able to start repairing their relationship.
There is still much room for improvement, but Kei wants to strive for this, even if it is only for these fleeting moments.
Now that he has overcome his irrational fear of being hurt again, all that remains is to swallow his pride and talk to Tadashi properly.