Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The Enterprise-D dropped out of warp and entered the orbit of a cloudy but otherwise unremarkable planet. Nonetheless, the bridge was tight with tension.

“Are you able to identify the source of the distress call?” Captain Picard asked.

“Negative, sir,” Lieutenant Commander Data replied from his position at the ops console. “I am unable to scan the surface of Ellivnad III. There seems to be some sort of natural energy phenomena that is obstructing our sensors.”

Commander Riker, the ship’s first officer, stood up from his seat to walk to the forefront of the bridge, staring at the image of the planet on the viewscreen. He turned to Data. “Is there any way you could modify the sensors to pierce the interference?”

“Negative, Commander. The interference is too strong.”

Picard got up from his chair as well to join the conversation at the front of the bridge. “Could we transport down and have a look around?”

“The transporters would not be able to pierce the interference either.”

“How about a shuttlecraft?” Riker suggested.

“If we modify the shields on the runabout, we may be able to-”

Data was interrupted by a persistent beeping noise.

“Sir, there’s an incoming message from the planet,” Worf announced from his position at tactical. “Audio only.”

“Put it through.”

“LET ME MEET WITH YOU LEADER, OR ELSE I BLAST YOU OUT OF THE SKY!” the message announced in a menacing voice, repeating twice before Worf cut off the transmission.

“Mister Data, can you identify its source?” Picard asked, urgently turning to the operations officer for advice.

Data shook his head. “The interference is too strong to tell where it is coming from on the planet. However, I am detecting a growing surge of energy large enough to be detectable through the interference.”

“Is it the weapon the message spoke of?”

“Most likely, sir.”

Picard took a moment to think pensively before sighing. “Then we better go see who’s threatening us. You were saying we could get a runabout through the interference, Mister Data?”

“Correct, sir. I believe we can modify the runabout’s shields to prevent the interference from affecting the craft’s systems. If we keep monitoring the shields during flight, they should provide adequate protection.”

Picard nodded. “Make it so. I’ll meet you in the main shuttlebay when you’ve completed the modifications.”

Data gave an acknowledging nod of confirmation and got up from his seat and proceeded to the turbolift to exit the bridge.

“Captain, you can’t go down there!” Worf objected.

“I agree,” Riker concurred, turning to face the captain. “A captain’s place is on the bridge.”

Picard shook his head. “The message specifically stated that they wanted the one in charge, and that’s me. I won’t risk the safety of the Enterprise by staying aboard.”

“At least let me accompany you,” Worf insisted.

Picard nodded. “Very well, Mister Worf, you may join the away team.”

***

Twenty minutes later, the away team was in the runabout. Data and Chief Engineer Geordi LaForge were sitting in the runabout’s cockpit, monitoring shield integrity. Sitting alongside them was an inauspicious, black-haired, blue-shirted lieutenant junior grade science officer by the name of Alicia Hudson.

“We’re approaching the atmosphere,” Data announced.

“You know, I just wanted to say that I’m really glad to be joining this mission,” Alicia effused. “It’s not often that my field of expertise is useful on away missions.”

“Your assistance was welcome in helping with the shielding,” LaForge replied, giving the young lieutenant a reassuring smile that set the officer at ease.

“Entering the atmosphere in 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… Now.”

At first, it was smooth gliding. A proud smile even graced Alica’s face. Then, without prior notification, several warning beeps went off as the ship began to shake violently.

“The interference is different than we expected,” LaForge reported, his voice loud with worry. “The shields aren’t working!”

“Structural integrity is failing,” Data announced much more calmly.

“We need to get out of here!” Alicia practically yelled, the least calm of the three officers. “The ship is about to fall apart!”

“LaForge to Enterprise, we need an emergency transport-”

All of a sudden, the ship stopped shaking as it suddenly broke through the thick, gaseous atmosphere. However, rather than showing the sight of a planet’s surface, the view outside the window was an expanse of black pockmarked with small lights. In other words, space.

Picard and Worf arrived in the cockpit. “What happened? Did we manage to leave the atmosphere?”

“I do not know,” Data replied, consulting the runabout’s sensors. “It does appear that we are in space, but the navigational computers cannot get a fix on our position.”

“It doesn’t make any sense!” LaForge decried. “We were falling towards the planet, and now we’re in space? How is that logical?”

“It should not be possible,” Data agreed.

Suddenly, a bright light blinded the cockpit window, forcing the officers to shield their eyes before it faded back out again. Once their sight had resolved once more, an asteroid came into view, upon which sat a building lit by an overly bright sign. Whatever it was, it was packed, cluttered with a variety of alien-looking spaceships.

“How about we go there and find out?” Alicia asked, pointing at the asteroid. “Maybe they can tell us what happened and where we are. It’s not like we have a whole lot of other options.”

“It could be dangerous,” Worf warned.

“I think Lieutenant Hudson is right,” Data announced. “Guidance would go a long way to understanding our predicament.”

Picard nodded. “Very well. Do we need environmental suits?”

“No, sir. The asteroid appears to have the same air and gravity as Earth-standard.”

“It doesn’t have an atmosphere!” LaForge pointed out as he surveyed the scan data. “How can it have air?”

“I do not know, but it does,” Data replied.

“Yet another mystery to be solved, then,” Picard added wryly.

***

Having landed the runabout, the away team exited the ship to find a long line of brightly-colored, vaguely humanoid aliens waiting in a long line to get into the building, upon which hung a sign that announced: “Five Month Anniversary of New Ownership”.

“This is one popular place,” Alicia remarked.

“The tricorder cannot identify any of the alien species here,” Data observed as he scanned the various aliens.

“Well, that’s just great,” Alicia huffed. “We must be nowhere near home anymore.”

A couple of flash wipes later, they had progressed through the line to arrive at the door. The entrance was guarded by a tough-looking kid standing next to a velvet rope, his meaty arms crossed over his chest. He looked distinctly unfriendly.

“Captain, despite the irregularities of his features, the tricorder identifies this boy as human,” Data softly announced to Picard.

“Buford Van Stomm,” the boy greeted. “Who are you and what’s with the matching pajamas?”

Alicia looked down at her uniform in askance, wondering for the first time in her life if her uniform looked ridiculous.

“I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard, and this is Lieutenant Commander Data, Lieutenant Worf, Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge, and Lieutenant Junior Grade Alicia Hudson. We arrived here under mysterious circumstances and were wondering if you could tell us where we are.”

“How am I supposed to know?” Buford replied unhelpfully. “You want in or what?”

Seeing that the boy wasn’t going to give any answers, Picard nodded and the boy unlatched the rope, allowing the away team to proceed inside. The interior space revealed a packed joint of aliens sitting at scattered tables, drinking and enjoying the loud rock music being played by an enthusiastic band. Unsure of what to do, the away team took a table. Almost instantly after they were seated, they were approached by a black-haired girl with a bow in her hair wearing a bright pink outfit.

“I am Isabella Garcia-Shapiro, and I’ll be your waitress. Whatcha doin’?”

“We are looking for directions,” Data explained. “Do you know where we are in relation to the planet Earth?”

Isabella hummed thoughtfully. “Well, I don’t know exactly, but I bet the owners do.”

“Could you take us to them?”

“Certainly. Right this way.”

Isabella led them to the bar where two boys — one with orange hair and a face shaped like a triangle, the other with green hair atop a head shaped like a sideways ‘T’ — were shaking milkshakes.

“Captain, despite their odd head shapes, the tricorder reports that these boys are also human,” Data once again reported quietly.

“Hey Phineas, you’ve got some customers who would like to speak with you,” Isabella said brightly. She turned to the away team. “These are the owners, Phineas Flynn and Ferb Fletcher.”

“Aren’t you a little young to own this place?” Picard asked, his voice a bit stiff. He had never been particularly good with children.

“Yes. Yes, I am,” Phineas replied, as if it was completely normal. Which in this world, it was. “Our dad bought it for us earlier this summer.”

“How long is your summer?” Data asked consideringly, remembering the five month anniversary sign. Most habitable planets’ seasons were shorter than five months.

“There’s a hundred and four days of summer vacation,” Phineas replied, a hint of a sing-songy vibe to his voice.

“How long are your months?” Data asked. The boy used the Federation Standard word for ‘month’, indicating a length of time equivalent to Earth months, which didn’t jive with the math.

“Thirty or thirty-one days,” Phineas replied brightly despite the mathematical confusion. “Do you want some milkshakes?”

“Your days make no sense,” Alicia announced, cutting off whatever further clarifying question Data was going to ask, probably subconsciously understanding that the answer would only make even less sense, “but a strawberry milkshake sounds really good right now. Anyone else?”

Alicia’s behavior was somewhat unprofessional, especially compared to the rest of the straight-laced officers, but LaForge took pity on her. “Sure, I’ll have one too.”

Ferb nodded at them and started shaking up some more milkshakes.

“What is a milkshake?” Worf huffed out now that Alicia had already broken the veneer of professionalism.

“A milkshake is defined as a thoroughly shaken or blended drink made of milk, a flavoring syrup, and often ice cream,” Data replied as if he had recited from a database — which he had.

“Look, we were wondering if you could tell us where we are,” Picard quickly cut in before they could go off on any more conversational tangents. “We seem to be lost.”

“Well, how did you get here?”

“We were falling through a dense cloud layer towards the surface of Ellivnad III only to find ourselves in space near your asteroid,” Data reported.

“That is strange. Hey, Ferb-”

Phineas’s words were cut off as a loud boom shook the bar, causing everything to shake. The milkshakes Ferb was making flew out of their containers to splatter all over the front of Alicia’s uniform shirt.

“Oh great, now my uniform is going to be red,” groaned Alicia.

LaForge gave a slight laugh. “Don’t worry, Alicia, it’s not as if something bad is going to happen to you just because you’re wearing a red shirt.”

Another large boom shook the milkshake bar, causing the Starfleet officers’ hands to reach for the phasers on their hips.

“Are you doing that?” Picard asked Phineas.

“No,” Phineas replied as there was yet another boom. He turned to his stepbrother, “Ferb?”

Yet another boom shook the establishment, this time creating cracks in one of the walls. The nearby aliens decided that was the time to get up in a panicked rush and flee out the front entrance.

“Captain, I think we’re under attack!” Worf announced obviously, as he was wont to do.

Before anyone could do anything, the fleeing aliens parted as Buford was thrown into the room. An imposing figure in a red suit and worn cape stepped through the doorway, his grandness somewhat diminished by the elaborate and ridiculous black mustache gracing his face. He was flanked by two pairs of flying robots aiming their blasters into the room.

“Mitch!” Isabella said.

“I should have known you meddling kids were involved in this!” Mitch said in his best attempt at an evil voice — somehow, it wasn’t quite successful. “That’s your ship out there, isn’t it?”

“Actually, we arrived here by teleporter this time,” Phineas said brightly, his positive attitude undiminished by the intergalactic criminal that was attempting to destroy his establishment.

“It’s not?” Mitch said, taken aback. “Then who’s ship is this?” He pulls a photo of the runabout out of somewhere; he doesn’t appear to have any pockets to have held the picture.

“That would be our ship,” Picard said, stepping forward, gaining confidence from a familiar situation. He was a diplomat who had negotiated himself out of worse situations than the one he currently found himself in.

“I demand you tell me how you arrived here!”

“We are unaware of that ourselves,” Data offered, his voice as emotionless as ever. “Perhaps you could help us by identifying where ‘here’ is.”

“Do you think I’m a fool?” Micth boomed; nobody replied despite the fact that everybody was certainly thinking the answer was ‘yes’. “I guess I’ll have to do this the hard way. Robots, bring me the one in charge alive. Dispose of the others.”

Mitch’s robot minions began firing, causing the kids and the away team to have to jump behind the bar to protect themselves from the onslaught. Of course, none of them got hit during the time it took to do this maneuver because the robots conveniently had worse aim than stormtroopers — although nobody dared think that exact comparison because this is a crossover with Star Trek, not Star Wars. The away team pulls out their phasers to return fire, but their attacks are also unsuccessful. After all, how else does one show that an enemy is powerful without them easily defeating Worf?

“I’m going to get closer!” Alicia announced.

She jumped out from behind the bar counter and dashed over to another downturned table, ducking behind it. Peeking out from behind, she attempted to fire at the robots, only to be so wildly unsuccessful that she instead somehow got captured by one of the robots. She is, after all, a redshirt, and we need to establish some stakes here. At least she’s not dead.

“Lieutenant Hudson!” Worf yelled and also jumped out from behind the bar.

The Klingon began firing wildly at the robots as they dragged a kicking and flailing Alicia. Naturally, he was also unsuccessful because the second best way to establish how powerful an enemy is is for them to easily defeat Worf. Thus, though the security officer chased the lieutenant outside, he was unable to rescue her before she was dragged onto Mitch’s ship — which promptly took off.

“Alicia!” LaForge calls out as he and the rest of the away team plus the kids run outside in a futile effort for backup. “Captain, we need to rescue her.” The engineer turns to where they parked the runabout, ready to go save the lieutenant, only to find an empty expanse of asteroid. “Where’s the runabout?”

“I hypothesize that the man who kidnapped Lieutenant Hudson must have taken it as well,” Data suggested.

“Why, though?” mused Picard. “What does he want with it?”

Before they could think up any answers, another ship flew in to land in the recently vacated spot. Too on edge to appreciate how epically cool it looked, the Starfleet officers turned to point their phasers at this new arrival, only to be surprised when one of the cutest creatures they had ever seen jumped out of the ship.

“Don’t worry,” Phineas said to the officers. “This is our friend, Meap.”

“Meap!” the adorable creature seems to agree before pulling out an elaborate mustache of his own to affix to his lip. “Sorry to bother you, children, but we seem to keep running into each other. I was wondering if you saw Mitch come by.”

“You just missed him,” Phineas replied with his usual good cheer while the Starfleet officers remained stupefied.

“Then I’d better be on my way to catch him,” Meap said, turning to jump back into his spaceship.

“Wait!” Picard called out, his voice a bit hesitant. He had been in some strange situations before, but this one boggled even him. “Do you know this Mitch? He had taken our ship and one of our crewmembers; we would like to get her back.”

“Your ship must be the one Mitch detected through the spatial barrier and brought through to this dimension.”

“The one who sent the message,” Picard supposed. “Why would he do that? Is there some reason he has brought us here?”

“Indeed,” Meap replied gravely. “About a month ago, Mitch captured some of my people in a ploy to turn them into dangerous minions that would do his bidding. However, instead of transforming my people, he instead summoned a similar creature from another dimension. This menace has been let loose upon my planet, causing general havoc before we managed to capture it. Mitch planned to summon more such creatures in order to create an army to take over the galaxy, but all his attempts have been unsuccessful. Apparently he needs a ship from the other dimension — your dimension — in order to travel there to pick up more of these creatures. I cannot let him get his hands on any more. If he has stolen your ship, we need to retrieve it, send you back, and close the barrier.”

“Then we offer you our assistance to-”

Picard was cut off from giving a grand speech by Buford exiting the establishment, loudly drinking a milkshake. He took in the grave faces of the away team and asked, “What did I miss?”

“We know what we’re going to do today,” Phineas replied. “We must go to Mitch’s lair, help our new friends rescue their comrade, and then send them back to where they came from to seal a spatial rift.”

Buford dropped the milkshake and cracked his knuckles. “Sounds dangerous. I’m in.”

“Great!” Phineas said brightly, then turned to look at Meap’s small ship. “But we’re going to need a bigger ship.”

Ferb pulled out his tools.

Chapter Text

Back on the Enterprise, Commander Riker, Counselor Troi, Doctor Crusher, and Lieutenant Barclay were sitting around the table in the observation lounge, deep in discussion.

“The sensors still show no sign of the away team and cannot penetrate the interference,” Riker was saying. “Counselor, can you sense if they’re still alive?”

“It’s hard to say,” the half-Betazoid empath replied. “I’m sensing that there’s a lot of life coming from the planet, but it feels distorted, as if I’m sensing the life signs through some sort of barrier.”

“I think we should work with the assumption that they’re still alive,” Crusher suggested.

“Agreed,” Riker concurred with a nod. “Mister Barclay, what do we know about what happened to the runabout?”

“Before we lost the runabout’s signal, the sensors recorded that the interference within the atmosphere was different than we expected,” Barclay reported, his voice shaking a little with nerves. “The shields turned out to be inadequate and the runabout’s power systems became affected.”

“Knowing that, can we compensate for the difference?”

“I don’t know of a way we can modify a shuttlecraft’s shields to get through this interference, but now that we have better sensor readings from inside the atmosphere, we might be able to modify a transporter beam so that it can pierce the interference.”

Riker nods. “Do it.” He turned to Troi and Crusher. “I want you and two security guards to come with us. We don’t know what we’ll be expecting down there. When Barclay’s done making the modifications, we’ll meet in transporter room 3.”

Realistically, Riker should have suggested that one of the senior staff stay behind to command the Enterprise, but nothing important is going to happen on the ship after this chapter, so he was pressed by the narrative to make this poor command decision so that the whole crew gets to have a significant role in this story and be better than most of the TNG movies in that regard.

***

Back on the milkshake bar asteroid, Phineas and Ferb stood before a long, fancy-looking spaceship with orange detailing.

“You turned Meap’s ship into that?” LaForge asked.

“Of course not,” Phineas replied. “Meap’s ship is over there.” He points to Meap’s fully intact and still awesome-looking ship. “We made this one from some spare parts lying around.”

LaForge whistled appreciatively. “You’re going to put me out of a job.”

“We have no intention of that,” Phineas replied innocently. “That was just today’s project.”

“You should continue this conversation another time,” Worf said, slightly growling with impatience. “Right now, we have to go rescue Lieutenant Hudson.” It was far more consideration for an officer of the lower decks usually got, but we have to move the story along, okay?

“Let’s go,” Picard agreed.

“Yeah, let’s go save the galaxy!” Isabella said excitedly with much less decorum.

“I wish Perry was here,” Phineas said with a sigh. “It’s too bad we left him on Earth. He would really enjoy this.”

“Who’s Perry?” asked Data.

“Don’t you mean ‘Where’s Perry’?”

Data cocked his head. “What do you mean by that?”

“Where’s Perry?” Isabella repeated and got only blank looks from the Starfleet officers. “...You know what, never mind.”

***

In the backyard of the Flynn-Fletcher house, a teal platypus was relaxing in the shade. No, platypuses are not naturally that color, but I’m not the one who created this character so don’t blame me for the inaccuracy. A beeping suddenly came from the watch on his wrist — no, I don’t know how Phineas and Ferb never see the secret spy watch, but that’s also not my original creation — and he jumped up to stand on two legs and put on his signature fedora — no, I don’t know where the hat comes from either. He pressed himself up against the bark of the tree and like running ink — he is an animated character after all — he dissolved into the bark.

Perry the Platypus undissolved himself from one of the walls of his lair and ran over to sit in his orange chair in front of the large screen, which was already displaying Major Monogram in his signature olive green uniform.

“Ah, Agent P, we have some worrying news,” Major Monogram began without much preamble. “It seems your nemesis Dr. Doofenshmirtz has discovered some sort of illegal spatial rift through which there seems to be no shortage of technology which he can make inators from. Our intelligence reports that he plans to build a device to fly through.”

Carl the intern popped into view on the side of the screen. “Oh, and Agent P, if you happen to go through, could you bring me back a replicator?”

“Carl,” Major Monogram said in a warning tone, “we aren’t supposed to know about what’s on the other side of the rift. That’s a whole different franchise.”

“Sorry, sir,” Carl said dejectedly, slinking off out of view once again.

“Get out there and stop Doofenshmirtz,” Major Monogram said, returning his attention to Agent P. “Good luck.”

Perry saluted and dashed off.

***

Back on the Enterprise, Lieutenant Barclay pulled off one of the panels in the transporter room, ready to start working on the modifications when a bouncy song started playing over the comm system, interrupting his work.

“Soodyup, diddyup di-di-di-di-dee-da.”

“Computer, what is that song?”

“Playing ‘Quirky Worky Song’.”

“Can you turn it off?”

“No.”

Barclay sighed and resolved to do a diagnostic of the computer system when he got back, but right then he had more important things to do. He returned to his work, the song continuing to play as he modified the transporter. Though he would be loath to admit it, he had to admit the song's bouncy rhythm was pretty catchy.

“Soodyup, diddyup di-di-di-di-dee-da
Soodyup, diddyup di-di-di-di-dee-da
Soodyup, diddyup di-di-di-di-dee-da
Di-di-di-di-dee-da Da-da-da-da-da”

After what amounted to only one repetition of the song in the audience’s eyes but was much longer for Lieutenant Barclay, the engineer completed the work.

He tapped his combadge. “Barclay to Commander Riker, we’re ready.”

“Understood,” came Riker’s reply. “We’re on our way.”

A short time later, the two security guards assigned to the away team walked into the transporter room, arriving first. They included Ensign Hiryi Zuwa, a dark-skinned, severe-looking Bajoran woman, and Ensign Alejo Espinosa, a young human man who looked positively friendly for a security guard.

“This is going to be great,” Alejo said excitedly. “I’ve never been on an away mission before.”

Zuwa gave her comrade an unimpressed glare. “You do remember what happened to the last security guard that accompanied one of the senior staff down to the planet, right? And the one before that?”

“No. What?”

Though Zuwa gave Alejo a significant look, she was unable to elaborate thanks to the arrival of Riker, Troi, and Crusher.

“I see we’re all here,” Riker says, cutting off the security officers’ conversation. “Let’s get going.”

“Sir, I was hoping to come along to help with the pattern enhancers for our return,” Barclay spoke up nervously, “just in case something happens to them. I don’t want you to get stuck down there.”

Riker nodded. “Very well. You may accompany us.”

“What would happen to the pattern enhancers?” Alejo hissed softly at Zuwa as they stepped onto the transporter platform.

“I don’t know,” Zuwa replied with a dismissive shrug. “Sometimes things just get broken on away missions. Remember how Chao was talking about how her combadge got run over by a bus?”

“Yeah, but that’s not going to happen to the pattern enhancers.”

Zuwa gave Alejo a dubious look as Riker said “Energize” to the engineer manning the transporter console — who wasn't Miles O’Brien because he’s on DS9 at this point, so you can imagine that his random replacement wasn’t going to do as good of a job as he would have — and they were beamed away.

***

The Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated jingle played as Perry parked his hoverjet outside the recognizable purple building and got out. He accidentally walked right over the sidewalk block labelled ‘DO NOT STEP HERE’ in bright red letters. The block depressed under his feet and then shot the platypus upwards to the balcony where he was caught in a clear plastic bag that a robot hand quickly tied off.

“Ah, Perry the Platypus,” said Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz. “I’m sure Major Monogram already told you about the spatial rift and I’ll admit that this scheme doesn’t exactly have a tragic backstory related to it, so how about we just cut to the reveal? Behold the Travel-Through-A-Spatial-Rift-Inator!”

The shot pans to show the inator, which is not actually an inator but simply a regular car-like spaceship with green-tinted windows. (I know, I know, this inator/spaceship joke is the same joke used in Candace Against the Universe, but, to be clear, I wrote this joke long before the movie came out, so I’m claiming the writers stole it from me, even if there’s realistically no way they somehow managed to hack into my Google Drive and find the doc containing the first draft of this fic.)

Suddenly, Alejo and Zuwa came flying in the same way Perry did and also ended up in tied-off plastic bags, although they were significantly more squished within them considering neither of them were platypus-sized.

“I don’t recall asking for delivery,” Doofenshmirtz said. “Who are you two?”

“I’m Ensign Hiryi Zuwa, and this is my colleague, Ensign Alejo Espinosa,” the Bajoran replied as she struggled within the bag.

“What happened to your nose?”

“Nothing, I’m Bajoran. What happened to yours?”

“What do you mean by that?”

“We’re sorry for intruding,” Alejo cut in hurriedly before the conversation could spiral into an argument about the questionable nature of the nose designs of the respective franchises. “We didn’t mean to get flung up here. Stepping onto that block was a mistake.”

“See, Perry the Platypus, people will stand on something that says ‘DO NOT STEP HERE’. It’s like a big red X. It works every time.”

“We didn’t mean to step there,” Alejo protested. “We just accidentally transported into the middle of the street and there was a ground vehicle coming our way so we had to jump quickly out of the way. We accidentally stepped on that block in our haste. We really are sorry for intruding. We’ll be going now.”

The two security officers pulled out their phasers and used the energy weapons to cut cleanly through the plastic, thereby dropping them onto the floor.

“Hey, you can’t do that!” Doofenshmirtz yelled, annoyed that his trap design had once again proved to be faulty. “Who are you people?”

“As Zuwa said, I’m Alejo Espinosa and she’s Hiryi Zuwa. We’re from the Starship Enterprise.”

“Starship? Hey, you’re from the other side of the spatial rift!”

“I have no idea what that means,” Alejo replied honestly since he wasn't a science officer, though he was also wondering if perhaps this was a prime directive sort of situation and he shouldn’t have said anything in the first place.

At that moment, Vanessa Doofenshmirtz walked into the room, not even blinking at the strange situation she found. “Hey Dad, there appear to be some people looking for you. They think their crewmates got flung up here.”

“That’s us. We’ll go,” Zuwa said as the rest of the away team followed Vanessa into the room.

“Hey, wait!” Doofenshmirtz objected. “I was hoping you could take me to the spatial rift you came through!”

“I’m sorry, but we can’t. We’re looking for a way off this planet ourselves,” Riker replied.

“What happened to the transporter enhancers?” Zuwa asked with the air of someone who was well aware that something bad had naturally happened to their only way off-planet.

“Well,” Barclay said nervously. “I dropped one and it… got run over by a bus.”

Zuwa gave a meaningful glance to Alejo.

“Well, I have an inator right here to fly us all off this planet!” Doofenshmirtz announced. “All I need is a few parts. Vanessa, go get these parts for me, would you?” He handed his daughter a list.

“Where am I supposed to find spaceship parts?” Vanessa asked, already resigned to her fate.

“They’re inator parts, and just ask around.”

“Whatever,” the goth girl replied and exited.

“What do you think of our new ally?” Riker quietly asked Troi.

“I sense a lot of conflicting feelings within him,” the empath replied. “It’s as if he has a kind heart, but refuses to acknowledge it and instead covers it up with elaborate schemes.”

“Do you think we can trust him?”

“I don’t think we have a choice, but we should be wary of him.”

“Very well.” In a louder voice, Riker turned to Barclay. “Have you had any luck contacting the other away team?”

“No, sir. They must not be on this planet.”

“Then it’s urgent we leave.” Riker turned to Dr. Doofenshmirtz. “We’ll join you.”

It’s then that Crusher noticed Perry tied up in the plastic bag, looking like nothing more than an innocent everyday platypus — albeit a blue one.

“What are you doing keeping an animal tied up like that?” Crusher admonished and went to go free the poor animal.

“No! Don’t do that!” Doofenshmirtz said, running over to the bag. “He’s a secret agent!”

“Secret agent?” Crusher asked with a scoff. “He’s just a harmless little creature.”

“Wasn’t that thing wearing a hat earlier?” Zuwa whispered to Alejo.

Despite Doofenshmirtz’s objections, Crusher freed Perry from the bag and deposited him on the floor. Everybody stared at him for a few seconds, but Perry showed himself to be a regular platypus that doesn’t do much by simply sitting there.

“Huh, I guess that isn’t Perry the Platypus. He must have snuck away and replaced himself. Well, anyway, it might be awhile before Vanessa gets back. Finding spaceship parts hasn’t been easy since the spaceship parts store in the mall closed. In the meantime, how about a game? Kleptocracy, perhaps?”

“I’m unfamiliar with that one,” Riker replies. “What about poker?”

Chapter Text

At first, it was just an empty runabout. Then, Alicia transported in and ran to the controls to start tapping away at them.

“Ha! They never saw it coming! Those idiot robots didn’t realize that I could just tap my combadge, contact the computer, and ask it to transport me outta there.”

She paused and pressed a few more buttons.

“They’ve got a good tractor beam, though. I’ll just have to target that then and fire the phasers.”

Pressing some buttons yielded phaser blasts that destroyed the tractor beam emitter on Mitch’s ship, freeing the runabout from his grasp.

“Yep, that did it. Now to warp outta here.”

She attempted to engage the warp drive, but nothing happened.

“Computer, what’s the problem with the warp engines?”

“They are offline,” the computer replied unhelpfully.

“Well, that’s just great,” Alicia muttered.

She tried to activate the impulse engines next, and then the thrusters, but she still couldn’t make the ship move.

“Computer, is propulsion entirely offline?”

“Affirmative.”

“Damn. What did that guy do to the runabout in such a short time?”

She tapped out a few more commands, and her eyes widened. “Computer, based on current trajectory, am I about to crash onto that planet?”

“Affirmative.”

“I think I’m going to try to fix some things then so that I hopefully don’t plummet to my doom.” She paused. “Have you ever noticed that I tend to narrate my actions aloud when I’m alone like I’m imparting information about what I’m doing to a watching audience?”

The computer made several error beeps. “Please restate the question.”

“Never mind.”

***

The farmer and his wife were standing in a parking lot in front of a science fiction-themed building.

“I can’t believe you bought a spaceship-themed arcade but didn’t buy anything that looks like a spaceship. What did you think, a spaceship was just going to fall out of the sky?”

At that moment, the runabout semi-crashed into the parking lot.

“I told you it would work.”

A gaggle of Fireside girls approached the newly crashed spaceship with appreciative sounds of amazement. The door of the ship opened and Alicia stumbled out into the sunlight, looking mostly only a little worse for wear, although she now only had half a combadge.

“Where am I?” she asked confusedly. “Is this Earth?”

“Yep,” replied Milly, one of the Fireside girls, as bright as ever.

“I must be on a different Earth than mine,” Alicia reasoned. Having knowledge of the interference around Ellivnad III, it had already begun to occur to her that it might have signalled a dimensional rift. “I don’t suppose you have any spaceship parts?”

“Hey, girls, I think we just earned our ‘Asked For The Same Strange Thing On The Same Day By Two Different People Who’ve Never Met Each Other Patch’!” announced Gretchen, causing the girls to cheer and whoop.

“That’s, er, great. Do you know where I can find some, then?”

“Well, like I told Vanessa, as far as I know, the only place to find spaceship parts anymore is in the Fireside Girl Scrapyard.”

“Ok. Where’s that?”

“It’s out east,” offered Ginger, “but only Fireside Girls like us can go there.”

“Well, then, could you get me what I need to fix my ship?”

“We can’t get parts for other people.”

Alicia was growing increasingly annoyed. “Why not?”

“It’s in a plot hole.”

Alicia wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that. “Look, I have to get out of here as soon as possible to contact my crewmates. Is there any way I could access the junkyard today?”

“Only if you became a Fireside Girl.”

“Fine. How do I do that?”

“Well, usually you would have to wait a week to enroll, but I think you have a special case,” Ginger announced. “Article 9, Section Charlie, Footnote 5. “Any two girls wishing to become Fireside Girls can compete against each other to get the most patches in one day, assuming they exceed five patches. Whoever succeeds can gain full status immediately.” You can compete against Vanessa. She also wants access to the junkyard.”

“What is she — a little girl like you?” Alicia scoffed, feeling confident. “That’ll be easy!”

“She’s actually a teenager,” Holly pointed out.

“No matter,” Alicia replied dismissively. “I’m a science officer on the flagship of the Federation! I’m not going to be shown up by some teenager, no matter how smart they are!”

***

Back at Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. (cue the jingle), the poker game was naturally not going very well, but that isn’t important. Off to the side, Perry was hiding behind a wall, watching the group. His communicator watch beeped, and he looked down at it to see Major Monogram’s face.

“Agent P, it seems your mission has gotten more difficult. You cannot let these outsiders know you’re a secret agent, but you must stop Doofenshmirtz from entering the rift.”

“Ooh! You could pretend to be one of them!” Carl suggested excitedly.

“Carl, that’s absurd. Agent P, for now, your job is to wait and see.”

Perry returned his attention to the poker game, which had devolved mostly into an argument.

“It’s tough living off my alimony check!” Doofenshmirtz was saying. “Besides, I grew up poor. When I was a kid, my family didn’t have enough money to keep our lawn gnome. When it was repossessed, it was up to me to protect our garden from witches’ spells and wood trolls.”

To the Starfleet officers who lived in a post-scarcity society, the first part of those statements was probably about as confusing as the latter portion, but it was the back half that deserved a response.

“You parents forced you to become a lawn gnome?” Riker questioned, looking at Troi for confirmation and got a shrug in response. “You must have had a tough relationship with them.”

“Oh, yeah. They didn’t even show up for my birth. Later, they disowned me and I was raised by ocelots.”

“You were raised by ocelots?” Riker asked, wondering if this dimension was really that different or if their new ally was really that insane.

“Yep. It’s an interesting backstory, let me tell you…”

***

Several scenes flash by, going back and forth between Alicia and Vanessa as they compete for the most badges. Vanessa walks across a highwire for the Highwire Patch. Alicia milks a cow for her Milking Patch. Vanessa is pedalling a bike and randomly tossing out pieces of paper for her Flyer Delivery Patch. Alicia digs up an old pottery jar for her Unearthing Ancient Container Patch. Vanessa swings a bat and hits a baseball all the way across the park for her Power Hitter Patch. Alicia is shown stuffing grubs into her mouth for her Grub-Eating Patch. Vanessa is shown fixing a shrimp net for her Shrimp Net Repair Patch. Alicia is shown climbing a mountain for her Rock-Climbing Patch. Vanessa is shown with one of those things for her Sap Collecting Patch. And, of course, the sequence finishes off with Alicia wrestling an alligator in a sewer.

***

Some time later, Vanessa runs out of the elevator inside the Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. building, dashing towards her father’s door. However, before she can reach it, the stairwell door flies open and Alicia jumps out, tackling Vanessa to the ground.

“That pass to the junkyard is mine!” Alicia insisted. “I won fair and square!”

“So what?” Vanessa asked as she wrestled successfully with Alicia — Starfleet science officers were known for being excellent explorers, not good fighters. “I’m evil; I can take whatever I want!”

Vanessa kicked Alicia off, still holding onto the orange card in her hand.

“I need those parts!” Alicia practically growled. “I don’t belong in this dimension!”

The science officer leapt at Vanessa again, slamming her against the wall with a very audible thump. Alicia yanked the card from Vanessa’s hand and tried to dash away. However, Vanessa stuck out her foot to trip the officer. The teenager lunged forward just as Alicia got back to her feet, and the two grappled with each other for a few seconds, trying to gain control of the card.

Then, suddenly, the door slammed open and Doofenshmirtz and the rest of the Starfleet officers appeared, staring at the two girls.

“Lieutenant Hudson?” Riker asked, unsure of how to respond to the actions happening before him.

Alicia took a step back from Vanessa with an embarrassed “Sir”. She looked down at the poorly handsewn Fireside Girl uniform she was wearing — unsurprisingly, since the officer came from a society where they replicate everything, she can’t sew. Alicia attempted to straighten the skirt, but she knew she had to look extremely ridiculous.

“What are you doing here?” Riker asked the lieutenant. “Where’s the rest of the away team?”

“I don’t know, sir,” Alicia replied, trying to regain some semblance of professionalism. “I was kidnapped by an alien named Mitch. I managed to escape, but I crashed the runabout on this alternate-Earth. I was planning on getting the parts to fix it, but Vanessa here stole the card which I won the right to use and I am currently in the process of getting it back.”

“What happened to your uniform?” Zuwa asked dryly.

Alicia sighed. “It was a requirement of getting the pass that I had to change. Besides, my uniform got dirty in the crash and my combadge broke.”

“Are you alright?” Doctor Crusher asked, stepping forward to scan the young lieutenant with her tricorder. She was relieved to find that — beyond a few bumps and bruises — Alicia seemed fine.

“If you’re here, you must have found another way through the spatial rift,” Alicia said.

“Well, we did,” Barclay said hesitantly, “but the pattern enhancers got run over by a bus.”

Zuwa gave Alejo another significant look.

“Dr. Doofenshmirtz here has built another ship to get us out of here. However, now that we have the runabout, we should be able to get parts to fix both ships.”

“Great. I’m about done with this place.”