Archive of Our Own ^beta

As the bedroom door clicks shut behind us, I can feel the tension in the air, like an electric charge about to ignite. We reach for each other in near-perfect unison, and the sparks begin to fly. Sebastian's hands grasp the back of my thighs, lifting me off my feet. My legs instinctively wrap around his hips as he shifts my weight in his arms to carry me across the room, bringing me straight to his bed.

The walk back from Leah's house used up the last of our patience.

I have never needed somebody the way I need him right now. I've never felt such an insatiable sense of desire—a desperate, aching need for physical connection. Like I'll simply stop breathing if he stops touching me.

My thighs clench around him as I kiss him, moaning against his lips when he reciprocates with an equal fervor that makes me feel like it's not just me. His tight, possessive grip and the desperation behind his kiss make me wonder if he feels like he's unraveling at the seams for me, too.

I can’t believe he said it first.

I still can’t believe Sebastian told me he loves me first. I never would have expected Sebastian to be the first to admit that there’s something deeper between us—something that's been there since long before we met in person.

I always told myself it was one-sided—that I was just overly attached to the idea of a man I was certain I’d never even get the chance to meet in real life. I told myself I was romanticizing all the little things about him. I was creating an imaginary man in my head, and I was simply projecting those fantasies onto Sebastian. Onto my boss, onto my best friend.

Over time, through endless video calls and late nights spent talking while we worked until three in the morning, Sebastian revealed himself to be everything I'd imagined and more. Every little thought he shared, every idea, every dream, every opinion, every little piece of him that he was willing to share—every conversation with him left me craving more. But he was so guarded, so reserved, so private with his real life, and it drove me fucking crazy, leaving me wanting more than I had any right to desire.

He shared the deepest parts of himself so openly, but he kept the small things at the surface locked away out of my sight. He would shatter my worldview with bits and pieces of a philosophy that felt unique to him—a perspective on life and on purpose unlike anything I've ever seen or heard—but he'd give me vague non-answers to simple questions. And it felt like he was doing it on purpose. I felt like he wanted to remain an enigma that existed in the back of my mind.

And it worked.

Whether that was his intention or not, it worked.

It worked so well I hadn't even noticed I was in love with him. I swore up and down that my feelings for him were platonic. I concocted elaborate stories to tell my boyfriend just to keep him from worrying that my employer had become anything more than just a friend. I lied through my teeth to myself until I believed it to be true.

But that all came crashing down the moment we came face to face.

When I called him last week to tell him that some stuff had come up in my personal life, I hadn't been planning to tell him about Nolan. I was just going to tell him that some stuff had come up and that I'd be busy dealing with real-life things for a little while. I wasn't planning to tell him Nolan had relapsed. I just didn't want him to worry about me when he realized how abruptly I'd pulled back. Our conversations have become near-constant over the last few months, and he's such a perceptive, empathetic person… I knew he'd notice that something was wrong. And I knew what conclusion he would jump to—the only reasonable conclusion—and I didn't want him to go there.

But I guess I underestimated just how perceptive he is.

He could tell something was wrong the second he picked up the phone. I could hear the worry in his voice, and I could tell that he truly cared. He asked what was wrong, so I just told him. And then he was there.

Only an hour after I called him, he was there, knocking on my door. A real, living, breathing human being—even more beautiful in person—and he was everything I always imagined he'd be. He was soft and kind, gentle and affectionate—the kind of man who would stop at nothing to protect the people he cares for.

I fell in love with him the first time he hugged me. And then again when he started helping me pack my things, making sure I had everything I could possibly need for an extended stay at his house, just in case. And I fell in love with him again when he held my hand in his car. And then again when he pretended I was his girlfriend to dissuade the girl at Starbucks from flirting with him. And again and again and again, over and over, every single time I look at him.

I love him.

When he and his sister told me about everything—his ex, his mother, and his attachment issues, I was almost relieved to have finally found the catch. Like I'd been waiting to find a flaw in the otherwise flawless man. And it was a flaw that made sense.

It was justified. Forgivable. Understandable. I couldn't blame him for having commitment issues. He'd been through so much at such a young age. I knew I was in love with him, but that conversation about his mother helped me get my head out of the clouds, grounding me a little closer to reality.

But it still wasn’t enough to discourage me from letting myself keep falling for him.

If anything, it made it harder to hold the feelings at bay. He wasn't perfect, and that only made me love him more. He'd been through hell as a teenager, but he'd still grown up to be a wonderful, intelligent, incredible human being. And I just couldn't help it. I loved him.

Later that night, we shared one of the most intimate moments of my life as we lay all snuggled up together under a blanket, talking about life and gazing at the stars. And I just couldn’t ignore the fact that, despite everything I'd learned about him, my affection was seemingly being reciprocated.

The connection was undeniable. Like an unavoidable reality, an inevitability we would have to face. And that moment felt like the perfect time to face it—to throw myself into the deep end and kiss him.

So I kissed him, and it was the best first kiss of my life. It was the kind of first kiss that feels like it’ll be your last first kiss. I can't imagine ever wanting another first kiss for the rest of my life. Even if Sebastian never became anything more than just my best friend. Even if letting myself dream of being with him would only set me up for heartbreak in the end. I knew I shouldn’t let myself hope that Sebastian felt it, too, but I just couldn’t help it.

Neither of us had drunk enough to blame it on the alcohol. We were basically sober. There was no excuse for two sober people who were just friends to start kissing in the first place, much less a believable explanation for us to keep kissing.

I wanted to believe Sebastian felt it, too. Why else would the night have gone the way it did? How could sex feel so fucking passionate if we were just friends, just hooking up on an impulse with no deeper feelings brewing beneath the surface?

The build-up to our first time felt just like this. Like a haze of need and desperation.

I need him.

Sebastian drops me on his bed. As he quickly empties his pockets of his wallet, phone, and cigarettes, something in my peripheral vision catches my attention.

His desk. My stuff is on his desk.

“Aww, Sebby!” I croon, propping myself up on my elbow as I point across the room. “You set up my computer and stuff! Thank you.”

He glances over at his desk, and I watch that sweet, pretty smile light his face. With a soft hum, Sebastian nods his head. “I don’t expect you to work at a desk like a normal person, for the record.” He sits down on the edge of the bed beside me, reaching over to comb his fingers through my hair. “I just wanted you to have the option to.”

My heart aches.

I can’t hold back my smile. “You’re so fucking sweet.”

“So sweet,” he agrees with a smirk, cupping my cheek in his hand. “Maru said the same thing to me earlier.”

“Uh oh,” I chuckle, dragging my bottom lip between my teeth. “You told your sister you cleaned off your desk and set up a little spot for me to work beside you? You’re so fucking cute. I can’t stand you.”

He rolls his eyes, squishing my cheeks between his fingers, making a bashful yet futile attempt at dismissing how sweet he is. He says he didn't just run to his sister to tell her he did something sweet. But before I can argue and tell him I think that's exactly what he did, he explains, “I needed her help with something, and she just noticed while she was down here.”

“And she told you you’re sweet.”

With a soft, shy-sounding laugh, he nods. “Mhm. Among other things.”

I raise my eyebrows. “What were the other things?”

Sebastian purses his lips, then smiles, shrugging his shoulders. “Don’t worry about it.”

He ignores any further attempts at questioning him, choosing to just kiss me instead. I have no motivation to argue, no interest in anything but the overwhelming bliss of his affection.

Despite the implicit urgency of his decision to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed, Sebastian seems surprisingly content to take his time, prolonging the moment. He’s in no rush. He’s not even lying down yet. He’s still just leaning over, kissing me slowly and gently like he’s got all the time in the world to drag this out. I wonder if he knows that he does, that I’d gladly spend the rest of my life with him, just like this.

Now that I think about it, that thought would probably scare him. He loves me, but I don’t know if that’s enough to supersede his intimacy issues or his perpetual avoidance of commitment.

I can’t imagine this is going to be easy for him.

I need to keep that in mind.

It’s easy for me because being his would be a dream come true. But Sebastian and I are coming from two different places. We’re different people with different issues formed by different life experiences. And I don’t want to scare him away. I don’t want to cling onto him too hard or too fast.

Sebastian just saw his ex for the first time in a decade, and we still haven't even talked about it.

The whole situation was fucking weird. Katie came in with Shane’s aunt, and then she ran out after she saw Sebastian standing in Leah’s kitchen. She didn’t say anything; she just left. I know it had to be because she wasn't expecting to see Sebastian, but that still doesn't justify the way she just bolted when she saw him.

It was odd.

I don't even know the girl, and it felt out of character. I can't imagine a reason for someone to do that.

Sebastian and I left Leah’s house only a couple of minutes later, so he definitely hasn’t had enough time to process.

I wonder how he’s feeling and what he’s thinking, but I don't want to bring it up right now. I don't want to make him uncomfortable or make him feel obligated to talk about his feelings if he's not ready to do so. I can’t even imagine how fucking jarring that was for him. The emotional whiplash of telling a girl he loves her, only to be brought face-to-face with the girl who ruined the whole concept of love for him just a moment later.

The timing feels so cruel.

Sebastian slowly pulls away, and my heart aches. I wonder if he could feel my worry. He’s unfathomably in tune with my emotions. But just as I begin to panic that he may have felt my worry and misinterpreted it as uncertainty about us, he opens his mouth and puts my fears to rest.

“I forgot to lock the door,” Sebastian whispers, then kisses me softly.

Thank god. He hasn’t changed his mind yet.

I sit up with him slowly, clutching onto his hoodie, refusing to stop kissing him just for the sake of being needy and clingy—just to show him how much I love him without the pressure of sharing my feelings in words. I’d be comfortable telling him exactly how I feel, but I don’t know how comfortable he would be with hearing me say it.

A verbose confession of love is probably a little bit too much to throw at a man who openly admits to having commitment issues. But I know Sebastian is comfortable with my physical displays of affection, and I think that’s good enough for now. Physical affection sounds very good to me.

Sebastian will talk about his feelings when he’s ready. Or when his father brings it up to him. Whichever comes first.

He pulls back again, and I whine in response. He chuckles, smoothing his hand over my disheveled hair. “Let me lock the door, and I’ll give you all the kisses you could ever want.”

After one more soft, chaste kiss, I begrudgingly let him go.

“You’re so fucking precious.” He pouts his lips back at me, mirroring my expression. “I’m being so mean, huh?”

I furrow my eyebrows at him, swapping the pouty face for a look of faux irritation that only makes him smile. I’m hopeless. I can’t help but smile back.

As Sebastian begins to stand, we both jump at the sudden sound of his sister’s voice calling out his name. Rapid footsteps follow Maru’s voice down the stairs.

He widens his eyes at me and says, “That’s exactly why I wanted to lock the door.”

He takes my hands and pulls me upright, then combs his fingers through my hair, making sure it isn't obvious that he just had me on my back. Then he calls back to his sister, telling her that the door is unlocked.

Maru opens the door and hesitantly glances into the room with her hand halfway in front of her face, partially blocking her vision. “Are we decent?”

“No, Maru. I told you to come in even though I’m completely naked,” Sebastian chuckles, rolling his eyes.

Maru drops her hand from her face, and I see the mischievous grin on her face. Her eyes meet mine. I smile, holding up my hand to wave at her. “Hi, Maru!”

She breathes a sigh of relief, then Sebastian asks her what's up.

Maru turns and pokes her head out the open bedroom door and calls, “Penny, we’re all good! No booty cheeks on display.”

Sebastian exhales a laugh through his nose at the sound of Penny’s soft giggle that precedes her footsteps coming down the stairs. He smooths his hand across my back and exchanges a glance with me. That was close. If they’d shown up just a few minutes later, we absolutely would’ve been fucking.

Maru crosses the room and throws her arms around her brother’s shoulders, forcibly hugging him and asking if he's okay. He hesitates for a moment but eventually puts his arms around her and assures her that he’s fine.

Penny cautiously enters Sebastian’s bedroom. Understandably, I suppose. She’s such a timid, mild-mannered girl, whereas Maru is wild: vivacious, charismatic, flirtatious—a bubbly, easy-to-adore extrovert. They are polar opposites, and there’s a several-year age gap between them, but they somehow still make sense as best friends.

I stand up and give Penny a polite wave, walking across the room to talk with her—giving Sebastian some semblance of privacy so he can speak with his sister.

Penny looks overjoyed to see me, opening her arms to offer me a hug like we’re old friends. I happily accept her hug, genuinely appreciative of her over-familiarity with me. I feel like she wants me to feel welcome. I feel like she sees me as a person she should develop a relationship with, like I'm something more than just a fleeting interest to her friend. I've given her no reason to see me as anything more than just a friend to Sebastian, but it feels like she's already figured it out on her own, and she wants me to feel welcome.

She's so fucking nice.

I don't like her boyfriend, but I really like her.

I glance over my shoulder and see that Maru has taken my spot beside Sebastian. They’re facing each other and talking quietly, so I have to assume I made the right choice in giving them some space to talk.

“Hey, girl. What happened?” Penny whispers with an apologetic look on her face. “Sam texted me and said Marnie and Katie were at his house. Then Maru got worried and thought they might stop by Leah's while you guys were still there, so she called Leah to warn her. But Leah said you guys had already left her place. And she said that Katie had stopped by, but…”

I widen my eyes, exhaling a sigh. “Yeah! Girl, it was weird. So, Marnie brought Katie over to Leah’s right before we left. And she ran out the door when she saw Sebastian.” Penny’s jaw drops, and I nod in agreement. “Right. Weird. No fucking clue why. It was so weird. Marnie brought her over to meet Leah. Leah invited them inside. They come in, Katie sees us and just fucking bolts. Nobody even had time to say anything. She just looked at Sebastian, went pale, then ran out of the house. Marnie went after her, and that was it.”

Penny rubs her temples, exhaling an exasperated sigh.

“Do you know her, too?” I ask, cocking my head to the side. “Were you friends with her? Is that, like, normal behavior for her?”

Penny presses her lips together in a tight line. “I knew her, but we weren’t friends.” She glances over my shoulder, making sure Maru and Sebastian aren’t paying attention to us. “Keep this to yourself, but… I never liked her. She always rubbed me the wrong way.”

I nod, offering her a reassuring smile. “That’s fair. From what little I’ve heard, she didn't appear to have many redeeming traits.”

To my relief, Penny continues talking.

“Granted, I’m a couple of years older than them. But she was always significantly more immature than all three of them: Sam, Sebastian, and Abby, I mean. I never understood what Seb ever saw in her, to be honest.” Penny shrugs, glancing over to make sure it’s still safe to give me her side of the story. “She was nasty to other girls in high school. Even in my junior year, when they were freshmen, she had a reputation for being… extremely unkind.”

Penny’s trying so hard to be polite. It’s fucking adorable. She really doesn’t want to be rude, even when she has plenty of reasons to have not-nice things to say about the girl.

I exhale a laugh through my nose and smile, taking the initiative to say the quiet part out loud. “So she was a bitch.”

Relief flashes across her face. “I didn’t want to say it, but… yes.” She nods, exhaling a soft, shy giggle. “She was mean. And not just to other girls at school. She treated Sebastian horribly, Ava.” Her lips turn down in a frown as she flicks another glance in his direction. When her gaze meets mine again, she looks sad. “I don’t think that boy has ever fully recognized the extent of emotional abuse Katie subjected him to throughout their entire relationship. I think he knows how not okay the end was, but the entire relationship was not okay. He is and was the sweetest boy in the world, and she was so abusive.”

My stomach drops.

That’s the first I’m hearing of that.

I didn’t know she was abusive.

“She was always awful to him?” I ask, crossing my arms loosely around my torso. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about Sebastian just tolerating being treated so badly.

Penny nods. “I can’t tell you how relieved I was when Katie moved away. I knew it hurt him to lose her, but…” She frowns, glancing down as she nervously picks at her cuticles. “Leaving was the kindest thing she could’ve done for him. And, even still, she went about it in the most painful way possible, which is just… so fitting. Like, of course, she’d find the worst way to go about it.”

I’m stunned. I glance over at Sebastian and his sister, then meet Penny’s somber gaze again. “Penny, he made it seem like everything was perfectly fine until she abruptly left.”

With a weak, forced smile, Penny shrugs. “That’s kind of my point. He thought it was okay. The poor kid had no idea that he was being abused. And he clearly still doesn’t, if he told you it was fine until it suddenly wasn’t. He still sees the abuse as normal.”

“That’s… devastating,” I whisper, dropping my gaze to the floor between us.

And it explains a lot.

No wonder he was so willing to just let go of the idea of love after they broke up. If Katie treated Sebastian as poorly as Penny says, I feel horrible for him.

His first love was toxic. Not just codependent like he claimed it was, but toxic. Abusive.

That poor, sweet boy.

I want to fix his warped perception of love. I want to show him how love is supposed to feel. But now I’m even more afraid that he won’t know how to accept my attempts to make it better and love him through it. When it starts to feel too real, I’m sure he’ll instinctively pull back to protect himself. But I think it’s worth the risk. Even if it hurts me, I want to give it a try. Sebastian deserves to know what it feels like to be truly loved.

Penny squeezes the side of my arm gently, prompting me to look up at her again. “He’s a very private person, so I don’t know how much he’s told you about that whole period of his life…” She hesitates, searching my eyes for answers.

“He gave me a very brief summary of everything that happened around the time Katie moved away. I know there was… other stuff going on at the same time.”

Surprise flashes across Penny’s face. “You know about their mom?”

“I know very little,” I admit, shifting my weight from one foot to the other. “Just that she had issues that she couldn’t quite beat, and it broke their family apart.”

Penny takes my hand, squeezing my fingers gently. “He told you that?”

With a smile at her evident surprise, I nod. “Yeah. Not many details, but Maru helped him tell me the gist of everything.” Reading the unspoken question in her eyes, I explain, “It was probably easier for him to tell me, given my past.”

Penny cocks her head to the side and looks at me curiously, but she’s far too polite to ask why.

I don’t know why I assumed Sebastian may have idly mentioned that the girl he hired to work on his game had a substance abuse problem, but I can tell Penny doesn’t know. Maybe Sam or Abby know, but Penny clearly doesn’t.

I’m sure she’d be incredibly kind and encouraging if I told her the truth, but I also don’t want to tell one of Sebastian’s friends that I’m an addict without talking to him about it first. I don’t want to tell Penny I’m an ex-junkie if Sebastian doesn’t want his friends to judge him for being involved with someone like me.

I settle somewhere between telling the truth and lying by omission. “We both have personal experience with the subject. That’s all.”

A sympathetic look washes over her face. Just as I hoped, Penny assumes I meant that one of my parents is an addict, too. And that's for the best. Better to correct myself and give her the whole truth later than to tell her too much and embarrass Sebastian now.

“Hey, Ava?” Maru calls.

I turn on my heels. “What’s up?”

Sebastian holds his hand out for me, and my feet decide to move on their own—instinctively pulled in by the invisible string that connects us. His hand closes around my fingers, squeezing them gently as he pulls me in, dragging me away from my conversation with Penny. A beautiful, heartbreaking smile warms his pretty face—melting my heart in the process. The tenderness in his soft, pale blue eyes is devastating. I can barely breathe.

It felt like a big leap when I kissed him in front of my best friend. But that ‘big leap’ now feels like a tiptoed inch when compared to Sebastian’s open display of affection in front of not only his friend but also his sister.

Sebastian tugs my hand again once I’m standing right in front of him. With one hand on my hip and the other still gingerly holding onto my fingers, he guides my body down until I’m sitting in his lap. He kisses my knuckles, then releases my hand, delicately placing it on my thigh. His arm wraps around me, surrounding me with the overwhelming feeling of him.

His affection feels so much sweeter when it’s not restricted to private moments behind locked doors. Having an audience makes his intentions abundantly clear: Sebastian wants his friends and family to know how he feels for me.

Maru’s soft hum brings me back to reality. “So you were serious.”

“Huh?” I ask, glancing back and forth between the siblings’ faces. ”I was serious about what?”

Sebastian chuckles, then kisses my shoulder. “She was talking to me.” He flattens his palm against my stomach, keeping my body close to his. “Yes, Maru. I was serious.”

“Clearly,” Maru murmurs, ducking her chin down.

“Clearly,” he says back. Then he gives me a little squeeze, making my heart flutter. “Maru didn’t believe I had the nerve to admit how I feel for you.”

I’m gonna cry.

His sister knew. He told his sister. He told his little sister that he loved me before he had the nerve to tell me himself.

Maru calls Penny’s name, getting her attention. I turn to look over my shoulder, and I see that she’s looking down at her phone.

“What?” Penny asks, finishing typing her text message before she finally looks up. Her eyes then track Maru’s line of sight, and her jaw drops when she sees that I’m sitting in Sebastian’s lap, wrapped in his embrace.

With a dramatic sweep of her hand, Maru announces, “He told her!”

Penny audibly squeaks—bursting at the seams with excitement. She cheers, throwing her arms up into the air as she bounces over to us to tousle Sebastian’s hair. “Proud of you, pumpkin!”

I feel the warmth of Sebastian’s breath on the side of my neck as he chuckles, thanking Penny in a soft monotone.

Penny isn’t ready to let him off the hook. “I could just tell from the moment you two walked into the bar on Friday. I knew she was more than just a friend to you.” With a big smile and another gentle pat on his head, she looks ecstatic. I can just feel the affection as it radiates off of her. She is such a good friend—absolutely overjoyed to see Sebastian look so happy with me.

“My dad said he could tell Seb had feelings for her the second he brought her into the house,” Maru says, scrunching up her nose as she teases her brother. “He said he was all sweet and touchy with her. And Dad took one look at them together and was like… yup.”

My heart could burst. I can barely believe this is a thing his friends and family have already been speculating about. They could tell. His feelings for me have been obvious to the people closest to him.

“Thank you for checking on me, Maru.” Sebastian rests his chin on my shoulder, curling his arms around me in a tight, possessive squeeze. Then he lifts my hand, making me wave at them. “Love you. Now go away.”

Maru and Penny both erupt into a chorus of giggles.

“Don’t use her hand to tell me to fuck off!” Maru scoffs. She pouts her lips at me, expecting me to come to her defense.

And she’s not wrong for expecting that of me. I’d probably jump at the opportunity to gang up on Sebastian with his sister and her best friend any other time. Just... not right now.

Not when Maru came downstairs just as Sebastian was getting up to lock the door. Not when they are the only thing that’s keeping me from tackling Sebastian into his bed. I'll be on Maru's side any other time, just not right now.

I need him.

So, I pout my lips back at her with a slow shake of my head. “I promise you don’t want to stick around for this, Maru...”

Penny shrieks, throwing her head back with a high-pitched cackle as Maru chokes on a laugh, staring at me with her mouth hanging open. Sebastian drops his forehead against my shoulder, crushing his arms around me even tighter as he bursts into laughter.

Penny pulls Maru by the elbow, dragging her backward toward Sebastian’s bedroom door. Amidst hysterical giggles, she urges Maru, “Go! We gotta go! Before it’s too late! Run!”

Sebastian waves my hand at them again, and Maru finally breaks—frantically taking Penny’s hand to rush out of the room like they're running for their lives. Their screeches and giggles follow the sound of their footsteps rushing up the stairs, and I can't wipe the smile off my face. I fucking love them.

Sebastian shifts me off his lap, gently setting me down beside him. Then he turns me until I’m facing him, grasping either side of my face between his hands. The look in his eyes is dangerous—possessive and wild.

“You little fucking monster.”

It feels like praise.

It is praise.

I’m a monster for playing along—for teasing his sister, for being unashamed to acknowledge the reason Sebastian was telling his sister to leave. Everybody knew why he wanted them to leave, but he hadn't expected me to have the nerve to acknowledge it out loud.

As his lips collide with mine, he pushes me down onto my back. His kiss is forceful and intense. Barely restrained feelings simmer just beneath his surface, and I can feel how quickly he’s losing control of all the things he’s holding back.

We were both out of patience before Maru and Penny’s interruption. And I can feel the weight of the raw feeling of need as it settles back in, heavier than ever.

Sebastian breaks his lips away from mine, leaving me breathless and panting as he pushes himself off of me and gets up to lock the door. He moves quickly, coming right back to me like the distance is suffocating him. He drags me across the bed, lifting and turning me until he finally drops me back down, making sure my head lands on his pillow. Rough and forceful, yet still so tender and sweet—perfectly him.

“I unpacked your stuff,” he murmurs between the slow, sensual kisses he’s trailing down the side of my neck.

I thread my fingers into his hair, tugging gently until he lifts his head and lets me look him in the eyes. “You unpacked my stuff for me?” I ask, my voice pitching up high.

He searches my eyes for something that he appears to quickly find—something that visibly pleases him. His face lights up with a smile as he hums in response. “Mhm. I don’t think I realized just how hopeless I am for you until my sister called me out on it.” With a chaste kiss, he shifts his weight onto one elbow so he can run his fingers through my hair. “How pathetic do you gotta make me, Ava? I was on the verge of fucking crying from how fucking cute your little socks are. You make me feel fucking crazy.” His fingers stay tangled in my hair as he looks into my eyes and says, “You’ve got me second-guessing everything. How fucking long have I been in love with you? Was I in love with you before I finally met you, or did I not fall in love with you until the first time I touched you?”

“I don’t know, Sebastian,” I whisper, cupping his cheeks in my hands. “I can’t answer that for you. You tell me.“

Sebastian looks like his mind has been blown.

His voice falls to a whisper. “I don’t know.” His eyes continue to search mine, darting across my face like he intends to memorize every little detail. “All I know is that you make me feel things I’ve never felt, and it’s fucking terrifying, but it feels so fucking good.” He holds my face in his hands. “Like this will either crash and burn and kill me in the process, or it’ll be the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“You’re my best friend,” I whisper. “You mean too much to me to let this just crash and burn.”

His pupils dilate. “Yeah?” he asks, tilting his head to the side. “So you’re sure you’ll be the best thing that’s ever happened to me?”

“If you let me,” I insist, tugging him down to kiss me again.

"Be my girl," he whispers as he reaches down to unbutton my jeans. "My best friend and my girlfriend."

“I’m anxious,” I admit, leaning forward to rest my head against Sebastian’s chest, seeing the comfort of his embrace.

But truthfully, 'anxious' doesn’t feel like the right word to describe the way I feel right now.

I’m fucking terrified.

My chest feels tight. I’m nauseous. My heart is racing. My stomach is twisted up into knots. My hands feel clammy. And we haven’t even left yet.

We’re still standing in Sebastian's driveway. I’m still in his arms. I should still feel safe.

When I’m with him, I always feel so safe and secure, like nothing could ever hurt me. Like he’d do whatever it takes to protect me, even if it meant he had to put himself in danger in the process.

I honestly think that might be the problem—why this situation feels so difficult. I know for a fact that, if it came down to it, Sebastian would sacrifice himself to save me. And I can’t let him do that. At least, not this time. Not when it can be avoided.

“I know, baby,” Sebastian murmurs, tracing his hand back and forth across my shoulders. “You’re allowed to be anxious. This probably won’t be easy, but you’ve done harder things. And when it’s over, it’ll be just another blip on the radar. Nowhere near as hard as some of the shit you’ve overcome. You can do this, Ava. I believe in you. You are the strongest person I’ve ever known.”

When I see the tears in his soft blue eyes, I fall in love with him all over again.

Sebastian thinks I’m strong, but my strength is nothing in comparison to his. His newfound willingness to be vulnerable demonstrates just how far he’s come from the deeply guarded version of himself that I met just a few weeks ago. This version of Sebastian is almost unrecognizable to the man I fell in love with.

He says that I'm breaking down his walls and making him weak.

Sebastian still perceives his vulnerability as weakness. But I can’t imagine something stronger than a man who’s not afraid to cry—to open up his heart to a woman when, at least until I came around, intimacy and feelings were strictly off-limits.

According to his sister, Sebastian has done a complete 180 since I’ve been here.

He’s letting me in—showing me the parts of himself he’s kept hidden away for as long as he can remember.

Sebastian lets me hear his voice break. He lets me see the tears in his eyes. Because he’s stronger now, and he's learned how to work through his fear of the perceived risk of forming a connection to someone. He’s strong enough to accept the risk of letting me get close enough to hurt him.

But I'd never hurt him. And I think that, deep down, he knows that. It's just hard for him to trust his instincts when he's felt firsthand just how much damage can be done when you trust somebody with your heart.

Despite his lived experience, he’s finding the strength to dismantle a decade of intimacy issues because he believes the risk is worth the reward of being with me.

He is so fucking brave. He makes me want to be brave, too.

I want to prove to Sebastian that I'm strong enough to do hard things without him—that I, too, am capable of pushing through discomfort and fear to get past an issue that’s holding me back.

I’m a big girl. I can do this.

Even if it’s gonna suck.

Even if I’m afraid to see Nolan.

Even if I’m dreading the inevitable argument we’re going to have and the guilt trip he's going to put me through.

It has to be done sooner or later. I have to get my stuff from the apartment before the lease is up. So I have to figure out how to muster the courage to be like Sebastian—to just take a deep breath and push straight through my problems. I know I’m nothing like him, but this is my chance to make him proud.

I have to be strong enough that I don't need to rely on Sebastian for this. Because if I’m not strong enough, Sebastian will come with us. And if Sebastian comes with us, he'll meet Nolan. And if Nolan meets Sebastian, Nolan will recognize his face immediately—the face of the man I swore he didn’t need to worry about. And if he sees us together, he'll be able to tell that we're obviously more than just friends. And then he'll connect all the dots in the wrong order, and then he'll read between the lines and jump to a conclusion that just isn’t fucking true, but once he’s gotten himself there, he could never be convinced he’s got it all wrong.

Nolan will convince himself that I'd been cheating on him with my boss all along—that the incredibly attractive man he was paranoid about from the start was, in fact, messing with his girl the whole time.

I told Nolan that Sebastian is gay.

Fuck. I fucking lied to Nolan and told him that my boss was gay just to make him stop freaking the fuck out every time he looked over my shoulder and saw Sebastian's name on my phone.

If Nolan sees us together, he'll realize that was a lie all along. And if he sees I was lying about that, he'll never believe that I wasn't lying about everything else.

But I wasn't.

But that won't matter. The truth won't matter to him at that point. He would already be blinded by rage, inciting a physical altercation that just doesn't need to happen.

I can't let that happen.

Sebastian and Nolan will never cross paths. That's the only way to avoid a confrontation that will quickly escalate into violence. Because Nolan doesn’t know how to solve problems with words. If he knew how to solve problems with words like a fucking adult, I wouldn’t be so afraid to see him today.

It’s going to be fine. It has to be fine. I have to get my stuff. And then, once I get this done, the smothering weight of dread will be lifted off my shoulders.

Relief is waiting for me on the other side of this nightmare. All that's left to do is push through it.

With her arms crossed over her chest and a teasing smile plastered across her face, Leah clears her throat, getting our attention. “Okay, kiddos, time to say bye-bye. The sooner we go, the sooner we’re back, and the sooner you two can go back to being fucking disgusting together.”

Bitch. She couldn't even try to say it like she meant it—like she's not in fucking heaven watching me finally fall for the right kind of man.

Leah was beyond sick of my shitty taste in men before we lost touch, before she broke up with Kel and moved out of the city. I can see it in the playful wrinkle of her nose and the genuine smile on her face: she's not even kind of disgusted by Sebastian's open displays of affection for me.

Sebastian tips my chin up and kisses me. “She’s right, baby.”

“Always am.”

Sebastian rolls his eyes, ignoring Leah’s interjection. Then, after reading the hesitation in my eyes, he reminds me, “You have Leah—you won’t be alone. You’ll pack all your stuff, and you’ll make Leah carry all the heavy stuff down to the car, and then you’ll come back home to me. And everything will be fine, and you will be so fucking proud of yourself for being so brave.”

“There will be burgers somewhere between the heavy lifting and the coming back home part,” Leah clarifies, making sure neither of us has forgotten about her plan to stop by one of our old favorite burger joints while we’re in the city.

Sebastian nods. “And there will be burgers when you’re done with the hard part.”

“And fries,” Leah adds, offering me a reassuring smile. “Cajun fries. That’s a good enough reason to get that little ass in the car. Cajun fries, baby girl. Let’s go.”

Two sets of expectant eyes wait for me to say yes, to tell them I’m ready. But I don’t think I’ll ever be prepared for this. I wish I could just never go back. But all of my important paperwork stuff is there, so I have to go. There’s no way around it.

None of my options are particularly good, but this feels like the best possible approach. I would feel a thousand times stronger if I had Sebastian there with me, but I would feel a million times worse after the inevitable fight Nolan would start with him. Which means not bringing Sebastian is the best option—the path of least resistance, the route that ends with the lowest possible chance of Nolan ever finding out that I'm dating Sebastian.

Deep down, I’m still afraid that Nolan will someday find out that I started dating Sebastian right after we broke up. I'm worried that, no matter how much time has passed, he will be just as angry as he would be if he found out today. And I'm afraid that, if that day ever comes, Nolan will come back to haunt me just like he did when he got out of prison.

He always comes back to haunt me.

The time and the distance have made it impossible to ignore how afraid I am of Nolan. I think I’ve always been scared of him. And I suppose I should be, considering the multitude of reasons listed out nice and neat in black and white on his criminal record—not to mention all the things he's done that he's never gotten in trouble for.

It feels like walking to the gallows—like signing my own execution order.

If I back out now and tell them I can’t do this, they’ll be disappointed in me. And then Sebastian will decide he’s going with us, and that will be even worse. So this is my only option. And it isn’t fucking fair.

As I drag myself closer to a place of acceptance and compliance, unwelcome tears flood my eyes—tears that Sebastian unfortunately notices before I can simply will them out of existence.

Sebastian pulls me back into his arms, shushing me softly. “Oh, baby… It’s okay. You’re okay.”

Leah pats my back. “It’ll be over super quick, I promise. We’ll get it all packed up in no time. We're gonna speedrun the fuck out of putting shit in boxes. And then we'll have burgers, and then you’ll be happy you did it.”

“Sure will,” Sebastian murmurs, giving me a tight squeeze. “You'll be in and out in no time. And Leah will make sure he doesn’t try to make you feel like you owe him any explanations or anything. Right, Leah?”

“I will gut him if he tries to fuck with your head.”

I know that’s the truth.

I smile, lifting my head from Sebastian’s shoulder to look over at her. “That’s precisely why Sebby’s letting me go with you. He’s using you like a guard dog.”

“Mhm,” Leah beams. “It’s either him or me, right? Take your pick, which guard dog do you want? Obviously me.”

Sebastian chuckles. He lifts his left arm from my back and reaches for Leah, pulling her in to hug both of us at the same time. After he kisses the top of my head, Leah senses that she's next. She jumps back, wriggling herself out of our little group hug, then threatens to stab Sebastian with his own switchblade if he even thinks about kissing her.

I bite my tongue, taking the high road, choosing not to point out that she's slept with my boyfriend.

His fingers thread into my hair at the base of my neck as he tips my head back, bringing my gaze up to his. "I can't wait for you to come home." He tilts his head to the side, ducking it in the direction of his house. "I can't wait to have you officially living with me—for my home to be your home."

My heart could fucking burst.

The tension in my shoulders drops.

"Me either," I whisper back, melting beneath the warmth of his gaze, clutching onto the front of his shirt, wishing like hell I could just stay here with him and curl up in his arms and cling to the blissful feeling of simply being close to him.

"For now, at least," he murmurs, tucking a stray hair back behind my ear. "Until we get through the first month or so after release day, yeah? Then we'll find a new place for just the two of us to call home." Sebastian leans down and kisses me softly, then asks, "Sound good?"

I'm breathless. He kisses me again, gleaning the answer to his question from my reaction alone.

Leah's Jeep roars to life behind us, snapping me right out of the dreamy haze I'd be happy to spend the rest of my life in.

I hate her right now.

Sebastian’s hands grasp onto either side of my waist as he begins to slowly walk me backward toward Leah's car. “Call me if you need me, okay?”

“I will. I love you, Sebastian.”

“I love you, too.”

After one final kiss, he tells me to make him proud, then guides my body forward until I climb into the car. He tells Leah to drive safely, then closes the door.

“You two are so fucking pathetic,” Leah snickers as she turns on some music. “That boy is in love with you, girl. Like, God damn. The Sebastian I used to know does not act like that.”

“To be fair, the Ava you used to know doesn’t act like this, either.”

Leah grins, nodding her head as she pulls out of Sebastian’s driveway. “You’re not wrong.” Then she glances over at me and says, “Now that I’ve got you away from your man for a little bit… Can you keep a secret?”

I exhale a laugh through my nose. “Of course.”

”So, you know how you were telling me you’re not a big fan of Sam?”

I roll my eyes. “Mhm…”

Leah pops her lips. “Penny’s pregnant.”

My jaw drops.

“Sam doesn’t know yet, so neither does Sebastian. So you can’t tell Seb yet, okay?” Leah glances over at me again as she turns onto the main road. “So, before we go to your old place, I told Penny I’d pick up her online order at this baby store—a little ‘I love my Daddy’ onesie that she’s gonna wrap up and give to him to tell him she’s pregnant.”

Oh. Fuck, that is not what I expected. I didn’t think this was good news.

“Oh! Penny’s excited about it?” I blink. “Like, unplanned, but she’s happy about it?”

“Mhm,” Leah hums. “So we’re stopping at the baby store first. Then we’re swinging by your old place. Then we pack. Then we get burgers. Then we go back home so you can get some dick.”

I choke on a laugh.

“Do not let that man get you pregnant, Ava.”

I stare at her in horror. “I had absolutely no intention of letting him get me pregnant any time soon. Jesus Christ, Leah.”

Without taking her eyes off the road, Leah reaches over and pats my knee. “Neither did Penny.”

“I mean…”

Leah pinches me. “I’m friends with a super nice doctor if you’d like to get back on the pill. You know, on the off chance that the thought of being an uncle puts the thought of having babies with you in the back of his mind.”

“We haven’t even been together for a fucking month.” I roll my eyes. ”You mean the doctor in town, right? The one with the mustache?”

“That’s the one!”

“The pill made me want to jump off a bridge.”

Leah exhales a laugh through her nose. “Bitch, you were suicidal before birth control.” She glances over at me. “Seriously. Just think about it. There are other pills he could have you try first. I’m saying it like it’s a joke, but I mean it. I don’t love the idea of Penny having Sam’s kid. And while Sebastian is a wonderful human being—unlike Sam—I also don’t love the idea of you ending up in Penny's shoes, you know? Penny and Sam have at least been together for a while now, and they’ve known each other since they were little kids. I'm sure Seb would be a good dad, given how awesome his dad is… But still.”

“I get it.” I blink, leaning my head back against the seat and taking a deep breath. “Yeah. You’re right. It’s worth a shot. I’ll try the pill again. I'm sure Seb would be a really good dad, but I don't want to find out any time soon.”

Leah smiles. “Good. Thank you. I love you.” She exhales a sigh, looking relieved. “I love Seb too, but I will actually beat his ass if he knocks you up.”

“I wonder what he’d say if he heard you say that,” I chuckle. “Like if he heard you batting so hard for me to not have kids with him.”

”I’m not saying never. Maybe in a few years, right? I’m just saying not now.” Leah sighs. “I think he’d honestly be like ‘hell yeah, as you should’ if he heard what I said. But don’t tell him, because then he’ll ask what brought that up. And you can’t tell him Penny’s pregnant. So… zip it. For now, at least.”

“When’s Penny gonna tell Sam?”

“Probably right away.” Leah sighs. “She’s so excited. I told her I’d bring her order over on my way home tonight. I’m willing to bet she tells him by tomorrow night at the latest. No way in hell she makes it 24 hours without giving it to him.”

“I bet she goes straight over there the second you drop the bag off.”

Leah laughs. “Probably, yeah. I mean, you’ll be the first to find out. Sam will tell Seb right away, I’m sure. I think he’s gonna be too stoked to keep it a secret.”

For some reason, I doubt that.

I can’t imagine Sam as a father. I can’t picture him being excited about the news that Penny is pregnant.

I really hope I’m wrong. I hope he’s just as excited as Penny is.

 

---

I feel like I barely recognize my own apartment.

I expected the place to be a mess, but it isn’t anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be. There are a few dishes in the sink and the trash can is full, but other than that, it doesn’t even look like Nolan has spent much time here since I’ve been gone. Either that, or he made an effort to clean up when I told him I would be stopping by to pack up my stuff. But it’s hard to imagine him doing that. I can barely imagine him caring enough to even consider cleaning up before I got here.

Leah carries the empty boxes into the bedroom, wearing a roll of packing tape around her wrist like a bracelet.

“You wanna get your documents and stuff first? And I’ll start packing your clothes?”

“Yeah. Probably should get the important stuff first.” I open the closet door and point at the top shelf, explaining, “Most of my summer stuff is in those vacuum storage bags, so that'll be easy to just chuck in the car. And the right side of the closet is all Nolan's stuff, so you don't need to worry about any of that.”

“Ohhh, she’s organized! Damn, girl. I was expecting total chaos like our closets always were back in college.” Leah snickers. “Shit. This won’t take long at all.”

Leah grabs an armful of clothes and carries them over to my bed to start pulling them off hangers and putting them in boxes.

Before I start looking for everything on my list of important miscellaneous items, I find myself wandering around the apartment.

Something feels off.

I don’t know what it is, but something feels weird. And I’m sure it’s not just because I haven’t been here in a few weeks.

“Whatcha lookin’ for?” Leah asks as I walk back into the bedroom.

“Nothing, really,” I explain, shrugging my shoulders. “Something just feels weird, like something is off about the place and I can’t figure out what it is.”

Leah cocks her head to the side, humming curiously. “Hmmm. Is something missing? Like, did he move something out while you were gone?”

I shake my head. “No. At least, nothing major. The place is too small to just not notice something like that.”

“Hm.” Leah purses her lips as she tapes a box shut. “Go back to the front door and walk back in. Act like you’re coming home and just like, re-look at everything. Maybe he moved something.”

I feel stupid for wasting time trying to figure this out. It literally doesn’t even matter.

“Hey, Ava?” Leah calls after me before I’ve even made it halfway across the living room.

“Yeah?”

“Is it the smell?” she asks.

She appears in the bedroom doorway, looking at me curiously.

“The smell?” I ask. “Is it stuffy in here? I can’t tell—I feel like everywhere smells stuffy compared to Seb’s house. Demetrius is so fucking clean. There is no dust in that house, ever.”

Leah frowns, shaking her head. “No, it’s not stuffy. It just doesn’t smell like…” Her eyebrows furrow as she contemplates her phrasing. “It doesn’t smell the way your apartment should smell. You know?”

I shrug. “I haven’t been here in weeks. That’s not really a surprise. It’s not like I’ve been here putting on perfume and stuff. Of course, it doesn’t smell like me.”

Leah points at the door. “Go back out. Take a few deep breaths. Then come back in and take a big whiff of the place. I noticed it the second we came in.”

Now I actually feel crazy.

I walk out of the apartment, closing the door behind me. Then, as instructed, I take a few deep breaths—missing Pelican Town and its crisp, fresh, unpolluted air more and more every second. Then I open the door and walk back inside, finding Leah still standing there waiting, watching me take the biggest sniff I can manage as I walk in.

My laugh comes out like a snort. "Oh."

“You smell it, too?” Leah asks, pressing her lips together to hold back a smile—an attempt that quickly devolves into an unrestrained snicker.

I nod my head, walking back toward the bedroom, eyes scanning the surfaces for some kind of sign.

Leah is thoroughly amused as she follows behind me. “Looking for evidence?”

I laugh, nodding my head as I flip on the light in the bathroom.

“Tell me what you’re smelling.”

“Perfume.” I glance up to make eye contact with her in the mirror. “Cheap perfume. Like, fruity body spray.”

Leah throws her head back laughing.

I exhale a sigh, my shoulders slumping with relief. “Good for him.”

“Good for him?” Leah asks. “Ew. No. We pity her. We say, aww, poor girl, maybe I’ll hide a note for her somewhere and tell her to run before—“

My eyes widen. I gasp, crouching down as I throw open the cabinet under the bathroom sink. “You’re a genius!”

“I’m a genius?” Leah asks. “What for?”

I flip open a half-empty box of tampons and look inside. Then I check inside a package of panty liners. When I find nothing out of place, I continue looking through the drawers, looking for something inconspicuous—something only a girl would touch—checking all of the places a girl might potentially leave a sign to show another girl that she’s been there. Like an earring in the compartment on the passenger side door of his car, or a set of fake lashes on a bedside table, or a press-on nail on the bathroom counter. Something.

It’s obvious that a woman lives here—or, at least, that one lived here until very recently. There's no way Nolan could have a girl here for any amount of time without her noticing that his closet is full of women's clothing, or without her questioning any of my stuff in the bathroom. I didn’t bring everything to Sebastian’s. And while I try to be a minimalist, I do have some extra stuff. There's more than enough stuff in this apartment to make it obvious that a girl has recently lived here.

A decent woman would be skeptical of Nolan’s explanation that his ex just hasn’t come back to get her stuff yet.

If a man told me that, I’d be incredibly skeptical. That'd be the last time I set foot in his place until I was absolutely certain the fucker wasn't lying about having a girlfriend. I’d leave behind a sign that I’d been there, just in case he’s lying. Somewhere that he wouldn’t look—somewhere that only she would. Because that's what you should do.

I'd never want to be the other girl.

When Leah finally realizes what I’m doing, she gasps, “Oh my god! Wait. Wait! I’ve got it!” Then she throws open the shower door.

I turn around just in time to watch her bend over and pull a few strands of long blonde hair out of the trap in the shower drain. She gags, holding them up just long enough to be sure that I’ve seen them. Then she drops the wet hair, letting the door slam shut as she rushes over to wash her hands.

Watching Leah scrub her hands with scalding hot water, I can't help but smirk. “Soooo, she’s blonde.”

“She’s blonde.” Leah nods, repeating my words back to me.

Good. I'm glad he's moved on.

I pull open the second drawer from the top—no longer actively looking for anything, just sort of checking the drawers to make sure I didn’t leave behind anything I want to take with me.

I pick up a package of hydrocolloid patches and check to see how many are left inside. My skin has been clearer than ever since I’ve been in Pelican Town—probably due to the shitty quality air and water in Zuzu—but it wouldn’t hurt to take them.

And then my jaw drops.

I see one of my pink sticky notes, folded in half, tucked inside the package: a place only a girl would look.

I dump the package out into my hand.

“What?” Leah asks, looking at me in the mirror.

I hold up the sticky note, and then she gasps, coming to my side as I unfold the note.

In big, bubbly handwriting, I find the words you’d never want to see written on a sticky note, tucked inside your package of fucking pimple patches:

“hey girl! if you find this, i’m so sorry. he said you broke up. text me. i can send you screenshots.”

The note is signed with a heart beside the name Lindsey, followed by a phone number.

Leah takes the sticky note out of my hand and stuffs it into her back pocket. “Might have to text her just to warn the poor girl.” She frowns, then pats my shoulder. “Come on, pookie. Now that you know it’s Miss Lindsey with her fruit punch body spray making the place feel weird… Get to work. I have a date with some cajun fries and you will not make me late.”

By the time Leah and I have gotten all the important stuff packed and most of the boxes taped shut, I hear the hinges of the front door squeak as it’s opened.

My heart drops at the familiar jingle of Nolan’s keychains clattering together as he hangs his lanyard on one of the hooks beside the door—the hook on the right, because my keys always hang on the left.

I thought I might get lucky. I thought we might be able to finish up and leave before Nolan showed up.

My stomach turns.

I need to get out of here. This was a bad idea. I don’t want to see him. I can’t do this.

Leah walks across the bedroom, holding her hands out for me. She knows what I’m thinking. I’m so happy she’s here. I couldn't do this without her.

She kisses my forehead, then leans in and whispers, “Breathe. You’re gonna be okay. We’ll hurry up and get out of here, alright? We’re done, right? Nothing else to pack?”

“Right.” I nod, forcing myself to take a deep breath.

Leah covers my hand with her heart and whispers for me to take another deep breath. When she feels my chest start to rise, she whispers, “We’ll go quick. Say hi, how’ve you been, good to see you, have a nice life, bye.” Then she leans back, turns her head toward the open bedroom door and calls out, “…Hello?”

“Uh, hi?” Nolan calls back.

I hear the sound of his footsteps walking through the apartment, heading right toward us. I squeeze Leah’s hand, and she squeezes mine back, tighter and tighter until Nolan steps through the doorway in my peripheral vision.

“Hey, Ava,” he murmurs. Then, acknowledging Leah, he adds, “Ava’s friend.”

Leah offers him a tight, insincere smile. “Leah.”

“Leah,” he repeats, nodding his head. “Yeah. We met before. My bad.”

“No worries. I forgot you even existed until Ava told me she broke up with you.”

He exhales a laugh through his nose, accepting her obvious slight with uncharacteristic neutrality. Weird.

“How you doin’, Aves?” he asks, speaking to me in a soft, gentle tone of voice that I haven’t heard in months.

Ironic that he’d wait until it’s over to remember how to pretend he cares about me.

Once I’ve accepted that I can’t brace myself any more than I already have, I turn to look at him. I fill my mind with thoughts of Sebastian—of the look in his eyes when he tells me he loves me, and the way he kissed me goodbye this afternoon. My heart feels a little lighter when I picture Sebby’s face, and that gives me the strength to push through.

Maybe I can do this.

I’m gonna get through this. And when it’s over, I’ll be back in Sebastian’s arms—in his bed, all snuggled up while he tells me about the things he got checked off his to-do list, even though he swore he’d try to occupy himself with something other than work while I was gone. He’ll tell me how productive he was, and I’ll tell him how good I did when I had to face Nolan, and he’ll be so proud of me, and I’ll be so proud of him. And everything will be okay. It’ll just be us, and all of the hard stuff will be over, and everything will be perfect.

I’m not even lying when I tell Nolan, “I’m doing good! How are you?”

A brief flash of surprise crosses his face. He didn’t expect me to be okay. But he recovers quickly, putting a fake smile on his face. “Yeah? Good. You look good.”

Leah’s hand rests on the small of my back. “She always looks good.”

I exhale a laugh through my nose, bumping my hip against hers.

Nolan nods his head, agreeing with her. “Right, you’re right. She always does.” His eyes flick back over to mine. “It’s good to see you, Aves. I’m glad you’re doing well.”

And that’s when I see it: he’s on something.

I can see it in the look on his face—in the unnatural smile that doesn’t match the sadness in his eyes. His shoulders are slumped, and his eyes are heavy, but his lips are curved up in a smile that tells me he’s still using. Probably coming down from something that had him feeling really good not too long ago.

Leah pats my hip. “Do you want me to start taking stuff down to the car while you guys talk? Or do you wanna help me? You said you were getting hungry—should we hurry up?”

I didn’t say I was hungry. But I appreciate Leah's attempt at making an excuse for us to hurry, giving me a reason to not be alone with him for even the 60 seconds it’ll take her to carry a box down to the car.

“Actually, could we talk for a minute, Ava?” Nolan asks. Then he looks at Leah. “I’ll help you carry the rest of her stuff down when we’re done.”

Leah exhales a soft laugh through her nose. “I’m good. Thanks, though.” Then she rubs my back gently, stepping between us to look into my eyes—assessing whether or not I want a minute to speak to him privately.

I don’t. But I also don’t want to call him out for being high in front of Leah. So I should wait until she’s out of the room to bring it up.

My phone vibrates in my pocket. Probably Sebastian. And his timing is perfect. I needed the reminder that I can do this—that the hard part is almost over. That the man of my dreams is waiting for me to wrap this up and close this chapter of my story. I just have to get through this.

My phone vibrates again.

I love him so much. It feels like he’s reading my mind.

So I tell Leah I’m okay—that we’ll make it quick.

She hesitates for a moment, then pulls her phone from her back pocket and glances at the screen.

“Good timing, I guess.” She picks up the call and holds her phone up to her ear with her shoulder as she picks up a box from the bed. “Hey baby girl,” Leah croons into the phone—and I don’t have the foggiest idea who she’s talking to. She stops, looks me in the eyes and says, "I'll be right back.”

Nolan steps into the room, clearing the doorway for Leah. And as she walks past him, he takes a step closer to me. And then another. And then I realize this is happening.

I made the wrong choice.

I don’t wanna be alone with him.

He holds his arms out for me, expecting a hug.

I take a step back and hold my hands out in front of me. “No. Don’t.”

He stops in his tracks, cocking his head to the side in disbelief. He genuinely thought I’d want to hug him right now.

“You’re high. Stop. Don’t touch me.”

He laughs, rolling his eyes. Then he lifts his arms again—still expecting a hug for some fucking reason. “Come on, Ava. I miss you, babe. I haven’t seen you in weeks. I miss you.”

→ skip past the triggering scene ←

My hesitation turns to anger as he takes another step toward me, throwing his arms around me before I can get away from him.

“Nolan! Stop!”

His arms crush around my shoulders, and despite my attempt to push against him and wriggle out of his grasp, he doesn’t get the hint.

“Let me go.”

He laughs. His hand slides down to my lower back, then he pushes against it, closing the distance I’ve created between our hips, forcing my body against his.

Adrenaline courses through my bloodstream. Tears blur my vision as panic begins to set in. I can feel myself freezing up as if it’s happening in slow motion. My muscles tense, and my lungs start to burn. I’m holding my breath. I need to breathe.

Nolan’s hands on my body slingshot me from my state of shock straight into the instinctive urge to fight him off—to get his hands off of me by any means necessary.

But he’s bigger than me, and he’s stronger than me. And he’s got me pinned with my arms stuck at my sides.

I’m trapped.

I suck in a deep breath, forcing air into my still-burning lungs.

Then, just as my panic begins to spiral out of control, I hear my brother’s voice in my head for the first time in a very long time.

My mind goes quiet. The sound of the blood rushing in my ears fades into the background as a repressed memory of Nick’s voice releases itself, playing over in my head like he’s brought himself back to life just to save me again.

Instinct takes over. For the first time in my life, I actually listen to my brother and just do what he tells me to do.

I close my eyes and pretend it’s my brother who’s got my arms pinned down at my sides just to see if I can break free. I pretend I’m not actually in danger— that I’m just a little girl again, and my brothers are teaching me how to defend myself so nobody can ever hurt me again. I tell myself that it’s not Nolan, it’s just Nick. And it’s not real, it’s just practice. And Nick's not gonna let go until I actually try to hurt him—until I show him I can defend myself just like he and Julie have taught me.

I wedge my hands between our bodies, interlocking my fingers. Then I take a half step back and swing my arms forward in the limited space between us. I drive my fists into Nolan's groin, then throw all of my weight into shoving against him once the shock breaks his hold on my shoulders.

My heart is pounding. I take three big steps backward, creating a safe amount of distance to turn and run. But then my shoulder blade collides with the corner of a still-open dresser drawer. I yelp—crying out in pain as the sharp wooden edge gouges into my skin.

“Ava! I’m sorry!” Nolan’s arms flail out in front of him as he struggles to recover his balance. “Fuck. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Ava. I wasn’t thinking. I’m—“

I turn around and slam the dresser drawer shut, taking my frustration out on the furniture even though I’m the one who left the fucking drawer open.

I reach up, sliding my hand under the back of my shirt, touching the tender spot just below my shoulder blade. When I pull it back out, there’s blood on my fingers.

I fucking hate him.

“Fuck!” Nolan hisses. “You’re bleeding. Are you okay?”

“Fuck off!” I snap. “This wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t fucking grabbed me like that, Nolan. Fuck you. Get away from me.”

His expression falls. “Ava…”

“No. Don’t fucking Ava me.”

Nolan drops his gaze from mine. I watch him take a step back, then sit on an empty spot on the bed, surrounded by boxes packed full of my belongings. He drops his head into his hands and apologizes again.

When he lifts his head to look at me again, I see tears in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Ava. I’m so fucking sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I just miss you, baby…” His voice cracks, and a tear finally breaks free, rolling down his face. “I’m sorry. I just miss you so fucking bad. I just wanted to hug you…”

“Okay? And I told you to stop. I told you no more than once. And you still fucking did it.” I cross my arms over my chest, then glance over my shoulder to make sure nothing is behind me this time before I take another step back.

“I know. I’m sorry. I told you I wasn’t thinking. All I was thinking was that I miss you and you’re finally here, and I just wanted to hold you.” He takes a shuddering breath, wiping his face. “You look so fucking good, baby. I miss you so bad. I’m sorry. I just stopped thinking.”

“Bullshit,” I snap. “You’re high. That’s what’s wrong. It’s not that you miss me. You’re just fucking high and you can’t think straight.”

I can only describe the look on his face as guilt.

“This is what you’re gonna do, Nolan?” I ask, glaring at him from across the room. “You’re just gonna let yourself fucking relapse like this? You backslide once and then just say fuck it? Seriously? One slip-up, and you just let it ruin everything? After everything we went through? You’re just gonna bend over and take it? You’re not even gonna try?”

He hangs his head, too ashamed to look me in the eyes.

“Is this what you’ve been doing since I left?” I ask, my voice breaking as tears of frustration and anger begin to fall. “Have you just been getting fucked up for the last few weeks, Nolan? Is that what you've been doing?”

When Nolan lifts his head, he sees that I’m crying now, too. And, in true Nolan fashion, the softness in his eyes sharpens into irritation and resentment at the first sign of weakness. He’s angry at me for crying, even when he’s the one who started crying first.

“Nah, don’t fucking act like you suddenly care about me now, Ava.”

Now there’s the Nolan I know.

“I’m asking you a fucking question.” I raise my eyebrows, glaring back at him. “I didn’t say I’m asking because I care. I’m asking because I want to know. But you’re clearly too much of a pussy to own up to it, I guess. So...”

“Whatever, man.” Nolan scoffs, looking up at the ceiling, raking his fingers through his hair. “What does it even matter to you, Ava? Why do you want to know? Does it make a difference?”

My phone vibrates again, and something compels me to finally check it this time. It’s gone off too many times—something might be wrong. I pull my phone out of my back pocket, but before I can even unlock it, Nolan is scoffing again, cursing under his breath.

“Seriously?”

I glance up at him, furrowing my eyebrows. “What?”

“Who the fuck could possibly be texting you something so important that you gotta check your phone right now? When I’m trying to talk to you?”

“Are you trying to talk to me?” I furrow my eyebrows. “Because it seems like you just want to deflect responsibility for your actions. You won’t even admit that you’re just giving up. What else is there to talk about? If you’re not gonna try to stay sober, I have nothing to say to you.”

“How the fuck do you expect me not to give up when you’re just so willing to give up on me, too?” he asks, failing to disguise the tremble of his voice by clearing his throat. “You clearly already gave up on me, too. If you don't care about me, why should I care about me?”

“What does that even mean?” I scoff. “How did I give up on you? You relapsed. I didn’t want to be around you if you were using because then I’d end up relapsing too, so I left. That’s not me giving up on you. That’s me refusing to give up on myself.”

“But I fucking need you, Ava,” Nolan whispers, dropping his gaze from mine. “I never would’ve been able to stay clean in the first place if it weren’t for you. How do you expect me to stay clean after you just left me like that?”

My voice dies in my throat. My mouth is open, but I can’t make the words come out.

He's right. This is my fault, isn't it?

The sound of Leah’s voice shatters the silence. “Are you serious? She’s not your fucking mother!”

I didn’t even hear her come back in.

Leah slams the front door shut and comes barreling into the bedroom—her eyes filled with precariously restrained rage as she crosses the room, standing in front of me, blocking Nolan’s view of me.

“I left you alone with her so you could fucking apologize to her. Not try to manipulate her.” Leah points her finger at him, scolding him like an insolent child. “Nice fucking try. She’s not your mommy. You can fix your own problems, or you can fucking die. Either way, Ava is done crying over you. You're done ruining her life.”

Fuck.

Nolan looks up at the ceiling again, running his right hand through his hair.

There’s a hospital band on his wrist.

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe he is trying.

Maybe he isn’t just giving in.

Fuck.

“Leah, wait…” I murmur, reaching out and grabbing onto her arm. “Wait.”

Leah whirls back around to glare at me—irate that I’m stopping her from unleashing years of pent-up frustration on him. Her neck is covered in red splotches, and her jaw is clenched tight. She’s about to snap. Even if it’s Nolan that’s made her this angry, if I say the wrong thing, I’ll be the one on the receiving end of her fury. Anything I say will probably piss her off, so I shouldn’t speak.

I step to the side, moving around her despite her protest. She’s pissed at me, but I need to know. Nolan was in the hospital, and I need to know why. I need to see if I was wrong—if he’s actually trying to get better.

Nolan watches me approach him through tear-filled eyes, whispering that he’s sorry as I hold my hand out for him. He tries to hold my hand, but I just shake my head and reach for his wrist instead. I turn the hospital band around so I can see when he was admitted, and my heart sinks when I see yesterday’s date printed on the label.

“Why were you in the hospital yesterday?” I ask, looking into his eyes as I hold onto his wrist. “What happened?”

With teary eyes, Nolan whispers, “Don’t worry about it, baby…”

Leah scoffs. “Baby. Okay. You’re not just gonna manipulate her like that—“

Her lack of empathy is fucking infuriating. This isn’t like her. I'd like to believe that if I were the one who’d relapsed, she’d have some semblance of empathy for me after seeing that I was hospitalized yesterday. She’s just blinded by rage.

“Leah! What the fuck? Come on.” I snap, shooting her a look over my shoulder. Then I turn to look back at Nolan, watching him struggle to keep a weak smile on his face as a tear rolls down his cheek. I wipe it away and ask him again, “Nolan, what happened?”

He rests his left hand on my hip as he gathers the strength to look me in the eyes again, blinking away tears. “I fucked up, Ava. I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad at me…”

My chest aches like it’s been split in two.

I already know what happened. He doesn’t need to say it.

He overdosed again. That's why he was in the hospital.

Nolan pulls his right hand back, then turns his wrist and threads his fingers into mine. “I’m sorry, Ava.”

“Ava, seriously.” Leah exhales an exasperated sigh. “Don’t let him do this to you. He’s manipulating you.”

I bite my tongue, resisting the urge to snap at her. She’s being needlessly cruel, insensitive and hateful, too blinded by her anger to find a shred of sympathy for Nolan.

He could’ve fucking died.

“When?” I ask him softly.

“Last night. I think I got admitted at like 11:30.” Nolan looks down at our interlaced fingers, squeezing my hand gently. “When you texted me and said you were gonna come pack your stuff, I made the doctors let me sign out and discharge myself against medical advice so I could be here—so I could see you. Because I didn’t know if I’d ever get the chance to see you again, y’know?” He sniffles, dropping his gaze back down to our hands again. “I wanted to make sure I at least got to tell you I’m sorry and that I still love you… That I’m always gonna love you. Just in case something happens again—if I don’t get so lucky next time.”

Nolan’s tone betrays his true feelings. I listen to the words he’s saying, but all I can hear is the resignation behind his words—the finality of his tone and its indication that he wouldn’t mind if he isn’t lucky next time. He doesn’t care if he lives or dies.

I see the Nolan I used to know—the man I fell for back when neither of us really had a reason to live. I see the man who became my motivation to keep fighting to stay sober, so I could make sure that he stayed sober. I see the person who kept me accountable to myself through the darkest days of our shared recovery.

My heart breaks.

Not just for him, but for me. For us. For everything we had, for everything we fought tooth and nail to achieve. For the missteps and the backslides and the relapses that became lessons learned—motivation to fight harder next time.

We did it together.

We fell in love.

We got sober together.

But then something changed between us.

When things were meant to get easier, it only got harder. We were sober—deep enough into recovery that the temptation had become easier to resist. But then, in the absence of a mutual enemy or a shared battle to fight, there was nothing left to hold us together.

We fell out of love. We stayed sober together, but we weren’t in love. We were roommates, not lovers. Bonded by shared trauma and our journey to recovery, but not by love.

And then he stumbled.

And I left him.

I put myself first. I sacrificed Nolan to save myself. When he needed me most, I wasn’t there for him. I just abandoned him.

And along the way, I fell in love with someone else.

The image of Sebastian’s face flashes across my mind, and I’m overwhelmed by a soul-deep pang of guilt. Nolan is holding my hand, and his other hand is on my hip, and I’m in love with Sebastian. I don’t want to accept Nolan’s affection, but if I outright reject his touch and take his hands off me like I want to, I’m afraid he's gonna lash out and take his frustration out on me.

Before I can figure out what to do—how to fix all of the problems all at the same time, Leah has lost her patience with me. Without saying a word, she abruptly leaves the room.

“Leah, wait,” I call after her, letting go of Nolan’s hand to follow her out into the living room.

When she turns around, her eyes are wild. “What, Ava?”

What did I do wrong?

I don’t know what I did to make her so fucking mad at me. I don't know why she can't understand what's going on—why she's just refusing to see that I'm trying to make things better.

“Where are you going?” I ask, blinking back tears. She starts to turn around to leave, so I try again. “Leah, please. Wait. Why are you mad at me?”

My questions only stoke her irritation. Leah takes a step back, moving closer to the front door as she shakes her head, looking at me like she hates me.

Leah crosses her arms over her chest, glaring at me. "You seem pretty busy letting yourself get manipulated like a fucking fool. You’re just gonna let him suck you back in. So I need to make a few calls. Someone needs to give Seb a heads up, right?”

“Leah!” I hiss, widening my eyes as I close the distance between us. “What do you mean? I’m not getting manipulated. I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m just talking to him. I wanted to know what happened that got him sent to the hospital. What do you even think you need to give Sebastian a heads up about?”

“Are you gonna let this fucking guy manipulate you into staying?” Leah asks, pointing toward the bedroom. “Because if you’re gonna stand there and let him make it your responsibility to make him stop using, Sebastian deserves to know.”

“I didn’t say I’m doing that, Leah. He’s just telling me what happened…”

She laughs. “Okay, Ava. Cool. You go ahead and do what you need to do. Let him tell you about the drugs he’s been doing and how it’s apparently all your fault. And I’ll do what I need to do. I’m not gonna let you be what fucking breaks that man. Sebastian deserves to know.”

My stomach turns. Before I can open my mouth to respond, Leah gives me one final look of disgust, then walks out the front door.

I’m frozen in place—too stunned to react. I want to follow her and try to talk this out, but I can’t get my feet to start moving.

“Ava?” Nolan calls my name. He waits a moment, but when I don’t move or respond, he asks his question anyway. “What exactly does Leah need to tell your boss?”

I squeeze my eyes shut, clenching my jaw.

I can’t do this right now.

I need to go after her.

I need to stop her from making Sebastian believe something that isn’t even true.

I need to diffuse the situation before Nolan blows up.

Because Leah’s already gone, and I don’t think she’s coming back anytime soon. Whether she’s aware of what she just did or not, she just left me alone in this apartment with a man who isn’t afraid to use force to get what he wants.

I try to deflect, focusing on Leah’s irrationality—blaming what he heard on ‘bitches being crazy‘ because that’s the kind of thing he’d do if the roles were reversed.

“Your guess is as good as mine, Nolan. I don’t know why she’s mad at me. And she’s irrational when she’s angry.”

I hear his footsteps crossing the room.

“I think she made it pretty clear. She’s mad at you for talking to me.” Nolan’s hand touches the back of my shoulder, gripping it tightly, ignoring my involuntary flinching. “I just don’t understand why she’s talking about Sebastian. Your boss. How does Leah know your boss? And what does he deserve to know about our relationship?”

Bile creeps up the back of my throat.

I can’t come up with an answer fast enough, and that makes him angry. His fingers dig into my shoulder, tugging me back, making me turn until I’m facing him, nearly knocking me off my feet with the force.

Nolan’s voice drops to a lethal tone. “Tell me the truth, Ava.”

“I don’t know.”

His hand tightens on my shoulder as he cocks his head to the side, taking a half step closer to me. “No, I think you do know. You’re just afraid to own up to it.” He looks into my eyes, gripping my shoulder hard enough to leave bruises. “How could you break him, Ava? I think we both know there’s only one explanation. We both know what your friend was saying. You’re just buying time to come up with a good lie, aren’t you? Because your crazy bitch friend just let your secret slip when she thought I wasn’t listening, didn’t she?“

“Nolan,” I beg, holding my hands up between us. “Please. Stop. I can explain.”

“Then start explaining.”

---

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click here for a summary

Nolan doesn’t take no for an answer and hugs Ava against her will. She uses a self-defense move to get him off of her. Nolan realizes he fucked up & apologizes, but then proceeds to psychologically manipulate her. A verbal argument ensues. The chapter ends with Nolan beginning to corner/physically intimidate Ava, demanding that she explain herself about a detail he overheard.