Archive of Our Own ^beta

Haseul had a habit of making herself smaller around Vivi.

They were the same height, and the shortest of the group if you exclude Yeojin (who was frankly in a league of her own). It was just another thing they had in common, something else to see eye to eye on - quite literally. And yet whenever Haseul was around Vivi she was slouching or leaning in some way, looking up rather than level. You would’ve thought she’d had enough of craning her neck, what with having to work with the likes of Ha Sooyoung and Son Hyeju all the time. And yet Haseul chose to with Vivi, time and time again. Seemingly relished in it. As if she liked being shorter, for once.

*

The first time was in a taxi. They hardly knew each other, cramped together in the backseat with Heejin and Hyunjin to film things none of them could understand, least of all Vivi, who was still getting a grip on the language. So when Haseul rested her head on her shoulder and promptly fell asleep, all Vivi could do was stare out the window and pretend to be calm. Impressions were still vulnerable at that point; the last thing she wanted to do was make Haseul hate her by waking her up. Not that she could even say those words in Korean, not confidently anyway. Meanwhile the younger girl’s breath fanned hot against her neck, and if Vivi looked to the very corner of her vision she could see Haseul’s dreaming face, her eyes shut and looking sublime(ly calm). Her sharp jawline and chiseled nose looked as if they were sculpted by the gods themselves. It took all of Vivi’s strength not to stare, trying not to look creepy in front of the other girls and also to avoid going cross-eyed.

Haseul remained asleep the entire ride back, the fluttering of her eyelashes as constant to Vivi as her own heartbeat, her whimpers during the speedbumps as gorgeous as the sunset Vivi watched through the car window. She had always thought Haseul beautiful from the moment they first met, but to have the girl so close, practically on her - it was almost overwhelming. She was used to the idea of liking girls, had been for years, but when forced to fully reckon with the attraction she felt like she was being suplexed.

Haseul only stopped when the car parked outside the company building, stirred by all the calls and instructions from staff that meant as much to Vivi as the indicator ticking in the background. Haseul stretched lazily beside her, cheek brushing against her own. She said something, looking around before locking her eyes on the older girl. Her face then flushed as if realising that she had in fact made Vivi’s shoulder her pillow for three hours straight, but quickly smiled again, as if realising it wasn’t actually embarrassing at all. 

When the two were led out the car, Vivi kept her eyes to the ground, but Haseul swiftly linked arms with her, seemingly not ready to let the physical contact end.

“It’s okay,” Haseul whispered in English, ducking her head down to Vivi’s ear. “You make a good pillow.”

It was all Vivi could do to shakily smile back. Haseul’s sweetness was like molasses, and she could already feel herself getting stuck in it.

*

The second time was in the dorm. Everywhere in the dorm. Haseul must have really meant it when she said Vivi was a good pillow, because since then it was like she was magnetically drawn to Vivi’s shoulders wherever they went.

The kitchen. Vivi would be slicing tomatoes and cucumbers for the younger members’ lunch-boxes and Haseul would be right there beside her, head leant against one of her shoulders and both arms wrapped around Vivi’s waist. A small part of her might have been ticked off about Haseul not actually helping with any of the cooking, to say nothing of Vivi ideally imagining the kitchen as her private place. But because it was Haseul, no such irritation came. She diced the vegetables in time with Haseul’s breaths. Opened and closed tupperware lids as Haseul readjusted her hands. And if the younger girl broke the rhythm to say a silly anecdote or to not-so-secretly swipe at whatever was on the cutting board, again, Vivi couldn’t find it in her to mind one bit.

The living room. Vivi would turn on the television and find something to watch in those stray moments another member wasn’t already there. And, like clockwork, Haseul would gravitate towards the couch not long after. Maybe with a dry quip about how she paid the Netflix bill, the same one as always but one Vivi laughed at regardless. Then they’d put something on - something scary if it was Vivi’s choice, something sweet-bordering-on-saccharine if it was Haseul’s. Vivi liked scary movies, liked the jump they put in her heart. Though she also liked how Haseul would stay there despite herself, inching closer and closer until she hid her face in Vivi’s shoulder. 

The bedroom. Waking up for an early schedule and having Haseul carry herself just far enough that she could collapse on Vivi and groan incoherently, much to the latter’s amusement. She couldn’t tell if Haseul really was that much of a night owl or if she was putting it on at times, but if it meant having to wrap an arm around her waist and teeter her carefully towards the door, Vivi didn’t care what the truth was. And coming back from said schedule late at night, when they were all so tired they could barely lift their eyelids, once again Haseul would be drawn towards her. She’d cling to her like a koala as they brushed her teeth and got ready to bed. Eventually Vivi would say the words they had both been waiting for - you did well, Haseul - and beneath the dark circles and the hunched posture Haseul would just beam. And Vivi, inescapably, would beam right back.

*

The third time was in the practice room, the lights hideously bright and the floor deserted. Vivi had asked the others to leave, knowing that being watched, however concernedly, would have only made Haseul feel worse. Vivi shook her head to erase the voice in the back of her head that relished in the fact that Haseul chose her arms to sink into when she collapsed after dance practice, instead focussing on comforting Haseul with gentle strokes down her back and sweet nothings in her ear.

“It just hurts, Vivi,” Haseul cried. “Everything hurts lately. My shoulder but also just being here , the pressure of being a good leader, a good member, a good friend and I’m so tired of it all. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I can do.”

“Haseul-ah,” Vivi stared down at her morosely. How could she not have known her best friend was suffering so much? How could she have let this happen, let her become so overwhelmed that she felt she couldn’t even do anything anymore? Vivi wanted to cry, too. But she wouldn’t let herself.

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry I didn’t realise earlier.” she confessed.

Haseul only sobbed harder in response, a muffled form of “not your fault” reverberating against Vivi’s shirt. It was practically soaked now, but she didn’t care. The older girl only stroked her hair soothingly, her fingers interlacing with the locks.

“I don’t know how to make it easier for you, Haseul. I wish I could make everything better but - I don’t know how. This looks really serious. I think you need to see a doctor.”

“I know,” Haseul said, nodding. Vivi felt her nose move infinitesimally against the crook of her neck. “I know. But I’m terrified of what they’re going to say. I wish you could just make everything better. You - you always make me feel better, Vivi, but - not this time.”

She always made Haseul feel better? Vivi shook her head again and squeezed Haseul just a bit tighter. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologising,” she sighed. “I’m worried if I speak to a doctor they’ll make me take a hiatus at best or quit at worst. And I can’t do that to you guys.”

“They’re not going to make you quit, Haseul,” she tried to reassure - reassure whom exactly, she couldn’t say. “But it’s clear work is at least part of what’s making you feel so bad. A break could help, I think. It doesn’t have to be for very long.” Please can it not be for very long.

“It won’t be,” Haseul nodded. “If it does come to that, I’ll be back as soon as I can. I promise.”

“I trust you,” Vivi replied, smiling falsely. “Do whatever you need, Haseul.”

If her arms weren’t so preoccupied holding Haseul close, she’d have crossed her fingers behind her back.

*

There was no fourth time. Vivi’s shoulder burned cold every second of that dreadful year. It wasn’t that she was lonely, per se. She still had 10 girls vying for her attention every hour of the day. Heejin tried to get her to teach her how to cook. Hyunjin brought her to her parents’ place whenever there was a spare weekend. Haseul. Yeojin had too many sleepovers with her to count. Jinsol subtly taught her ways to curse in Korean. Haseul. Jungeun came to her for and with advice. Yerim told her her arms were always open. Haseul. Sooyoung helped her with dance practice. Jiwoo took her out on their walking-dates. Haseul. Gowon invited her to join the “sofa line”. Hyeju offered her a controller whenever she was playing video games. Haseul. 

It all should’ve been enough, more than enough, even, but it wasn’t. She wanted it to be, desperately so. 

And it wasn’t that Haseul had disappeared off the face of the earth, either. They received updates about her, and every month they were able to say hi from one of the staff’s phones. Sometimes Haseul even came round the dorms, but it wasn’t enough. The calls and visits were short-lived, and always surrounded by the other members. Vivi didn’t suspect any of them would mind or even notice if she brought Haseul into a hug or if Haseul nestled herself just-so into the crux of her collarbone, but neither tried anyway. Maybe it was because somewhere, across the line, their touches had admittedly shifted to something private; clandestine. In rooms with the lights turned off, or mornings early enough that they’d be certain nobody else would be up. Hands moving from familiar placements to more experimental ones, exploring, testing. A kind of dynamic they were too afraid to even explain to each other, as if just speaking of whatever-it-was would have it disappear with the words themselves. Marinating in the silence, the distance. 

Maybe they didn’t touch because of the impermanence, knowing that every potential embrace would be cut short for however many weeks or months until Haseul came back to visit and Vivi’s shoulder stopped burning cold. Haseul said that she was making good progress, and Vivi wanted to believe her. She looked healthier, and there was a brightness around her that Vivi hadn’t seen for a very long time. She loved it. But the thought that, one day, tomorrow, the manager might come in and announce that Haseul was never coming back played on her mind constantly. Maybe it would be because she was too ill, too wracked with nerves to ever grace the stage again. Maybe it would be because she couldn’t stand to be with the other members anymore, to be with her. And then she’d stop visiting. She’d leave, for good this time.

And where would that leave her? Haseul was her rock, cliché as it was. She was the one who explained every Korean joke or reference that Vivi couldn’t understand, who stuck up for her when she quite literally lacked the words to do it herself. Even when she grew proficient in the language, Haseul never left her side. She planned her birthday every year, from what type of cake to get to the most efficient way to herd the rest of the members away so Vivi could phone her family in peace. She made sure to tidy away her cheese wrappers whenever Vivi needed to use the kitchen. She was the only one Vivi felt comfortable enough to confide in about her worries every so often, to take a break from being everyone else’s pillar of strength. And now, even when Haseul wasn’t here - sometimes, when the days were tough and the staff were particularly cruel, Haseul was the only thought that could get her to sleep at night or get up in the morning.

Haseul was the one who leaned on Vivi’s shoulder physically, yes, but Vivi knew she leant on Haseul far more.

*

The fifth time was in the car park. It was raining, but in a way that felt like it could let up at any moment. The other girls were crowding around Haseul, celebrating her return with cheers and cheap party poppers. When the initial mania began to die down and they walked back into the building, Haseul’s suitcases and bags in tow, the leader turned to face her.

“I’m back,” Haseul whispered. It felt more like a promise than a statement.

“I’m so glad,” Vivi whispered back. She didn’t think she’d meant anything more. 

Haseul smiled and began to move towards the door, but Vivi stopped her. “Haseul,” she hesitated. At first she had just said her name to say it, to remind herself again that the woman was right in front of her. That she would be for the indefinite future. “Haseul, let’s only walk the flower road from now on, okay?”

The younger girl stared at her in shock, before quickly collecting her in her arms. After a beat, Vivi felt a familiar weight against her shoulder. 

“Of course,” Haseul replied. “Let’s do it together.”

Vivi could weep.

*

The sixth time was on stage. It wasn’t relaxing, comforting or slow like it had been before. It was exhilarating. The warmth from Haseul’s temple was cancelled out by the constant flow of new air as they spun around and around. Vivi could feel the upturn of Haseul’s lips on her collarbone, her front teeth from the open grin. Haseul was giggling like a schoolgirl and somehow, in an audience of thousands and ten members on their right, Vivi felt like she was in a vacuum. All there was was Haseul’s limbs clinging onto her like she’d never let go, her own limbs reciprocating close, close. Vivi didn’t know if the dizziness came from that or their constant spinning, their motion she felt she couldn’t stop, ever. Inertia. Like she was stuck, except she never wanted to leave in the first place. Heaven.

She imagined them as two planets, or perhaps a planet and its moon. Vivi would be the moon, of course, absolutely attached to her, always facing her. Devoted. I’ll make your tides flow and you’ll give me a reason to be alive. The two locked in an eternal dance around the other, totally captivated and close, so close, except never quite being close enough-

Eventually her knees buckled, and Haseul slid down to her own feet, still smiling as wide as ever. Vivi couldn’t get that smile out of her mind - the pure elation on Haseul’s face, mouth stretched as far as it would go, raw and honest and divine. She felt as if she could die in this moment and want nothing else, though her hand still impulsively moved to grab Haseul’s hand and prolong their contact just a bit more (forever). Of course, the microphone was in the way, and instead their fingers only brushed fleetingly. There was a metaphor in there, somewhere, Vivi supposed.

Soon enough Haseul would go and the other girls would have their turn with her. Yeojin even carried Haseul on her back, a sight that simultaneously warmed Vivi’s heart and made it race in understandable concern. After that they would all go off stage and maybe to a restaurant or something, chucking back drink after drink and crying and laughing until finally getting home to the dorms and collapsing wherever it looked comfiest and remembering absolutely nothing except a vague but complete sensation of bliss. But Vivi would still remember the weight of Haseul’s ankles just above her hips and the whispers they snuck into each other’s ears. She would remember how happy Haseul was that day and how insanely that meant more to her than the trophy their fans had worked so hard to achieve. She would remember how happy she felt too, because of it. Of her.

Vivi had felt so light on her feet it was like she was flying.

*

The seventh time was at a random noraebang in Seongbuk-gu. Vivi had gotten a text from the group chat saying to meet there, and that was it. She hadn’t liked the cool, formal tone of Jiwoo’s message, too used to her words being adorned with kaomojis and hearts. If she was being honest, it frightened her. Frightened her enough to almost trip in her half-sprint to the bar.

Most of the members were already there when she arrived at the booth, huddled together and looking pale. Jiwoo was looking in every direction except the members’, and Jungeun was biting a hole into her lower lip. Vivi took a seat at the far end, breathing out a sigh. She could feel her fear shifting more and more into dread.

The door opened again as soon as she sat down, revealing Haseul. Her face was flushed and she was panting as if she had run the entire way there. She quickly took the seat next to Vivi, pressed close due to the limited space. Vivi tried giving her a weak smile, but she could barely get her lips to move.

Jiwoo coughed weakly to get everyone’s attention. “Sorry I gathered you all here,” she explained. “I needed somewhere that was close by but also away from the company.”

“That’s okay, Jiwoo-unnie,” Yerim soothed. She was smiling but the wide, panicked look in her eyes was clearly visible. “What did you need to tell us?”

“I-” Jiwoo swallowed harshly. “I’m leaving the group. They’re kicking me out.”

“Who’s kicking you out, Jiwoo?” Sooyoung asked incredulously.

“The company,” she choked. “They didn’t even give me a warning, I just got a text today and-”

They had agreed near-instantaneously that they would leave with Jiwoo in protest. It wouldn’t make sense for ‘Girls of the Month’ to only have 11 members, after all. And, like diving into the ocean, the initial thought of it was exciting until you looked down and saw the plunge. That you would fall, possibly land smack on your front or even drown in the currents, never to be seen again. Yes, a leap of faith was fun to think about until you had to leap.

Haseul was crying. They all were. Nobody would be able to jump for you, and even if you jumped with one, ten other girls, there were no promises you’d all reach the water at the same time. No promises you’d all make it out alive, either. And when it was time to reach the shore, could they guarantee that the currents would guide them all the same way? Some would reach one shore, others would reach another, and others would stay in the sea. Maybe they all would, desperately trying to swim upwards only to lose all their fight and submit. At least they would still be together that way.

There was a familiar weight on her shoulder. Vivi looked down to see Haseul, bawling into her shirt. The last time that had happened was before her hiatus - now, they would both be leaving for good. For a period of time she just watched Haseul, the way her chest heaved and her neck grew splotchy from the tears. Would this be the last time they had this? Haseul’s arms were hung around her neck so tight they were almost choking her. Vivi didn’t dislike the feeling, though the pang in her heart was quickly becoming unbearable. She wrapped her own arms around Haseul, resting her chin on the top of Haseul’s head. She wasn’t quite leaning, yet. She was still Haseul’s pillar of strength. She was still Haseul’s. For now.

*

The last time was in her apartment, one of the twelve shoeboxes given to them by the company. She was one of the last few that still lived in the damn things - after what had happened, most of the girls had understandably moved out for greener pastures. Their lawyers had been near-certain their injunctions would be approved, after all. There was no need to stay longer than necessary.

Vivi wasn’t sure if she’d ever move out. Her visa had her practically chained to the company - it was either stay with them or be deported back home. And deportation, of course, would be the complete end. Maybe she wouldn’t ever see the members again. Maybe they wouldn’t stay in touch and, like this, she’d fizzle away as they lived their best lives far, far away from her. They’d swim successfully to shore, and Vivi would watch them from the cliff’s edge, stuck.

Someone knocked on the door. Vivi recognised who it was immediately, knew the knock like the back of her own hand. Memories of late night rendezvous filled her mind, of that same sound and the mischievous grin that had always followed it. Of Vivi’s own grin in response. Doomed now to become something of the past.

The knock came again. Vivi got up and answered it. Outside her apartment stood Haseul, shifting her feet together and surrounded by bags and suitcases.

“Hi, Haseul,” Vivi said faintly.

“Hi, unnie,” Haseul returned.

They stood in silence for a little while.

“Can I come in?” Haseul coughed a little awkwardly. Vivi cringed at how uncomfortable she appeared.

“Of course,” Vivi responded, putting on a cheap smile. “You’re always welcome, Haseul.”

-

Haseul sat nervously on Vivi’s bed. She had left her luggage outside. The building was so deserted now that there wasn’t anyone left to steal anything.

“I’ve already said my goodbyes to everyone else still here,” Haseul started, picking at the bedsheets. “I wanted to save you for last.”

“Oh?” Vivi replied. It was the only thing she could come up with.

“Yeah,” Haseul winced.

Another weighted silence.

“I’ll miss you,” Haseul breathed. “I don’t know where I’m going after this and we might not be together if I do find somewhere so I just wanted to tell you this now. I’ll miss you so much, Vivi. From the second I saw you I knew you’d be such a great friend, but I didn’t know just how much I’d need you. You - you’ve always been in my corner, even on my worst days, even on my best days, and I wish I could give back even a fraction of what you gave me. I guess what I’m trying to say is - thank you, Vivi. For always being there.”

Haseul looked like she wanted to say something more but stopped. Vivi wanted to shout back - you don’t have to repay anything, Haseul. I needed - need you far more than you’ll ever need me. I wish you success at whatever you do, though I know you’ll make it far no matter what I think or say. Haseul, I-

She leaned her head on Haseul’s shoulder, the good one. The younger girl's perfume was subtle but Vivi could pick up the familiar scent. Hold it in her own heart. The silk of Haseul’s blouse was soft and if Vivi closed her eyes momentarily, she could almost fall asleep. Haseul made a good pillow, too. She took all this and more in - the warmth of her skin, the flexing of her throat, the wisps of her sideburns tickling against her ear. How patiently Haseul sat as Vivi rested against her, as if waiting for something.

“I love you,” she whispered, ghosting the words against Haseul’s neck.

“I know,” Haseul whispered back.