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Seungmin sat back against the rough material of the dorm couch, his head tipping back against the headrest. He felt a smile tug at his lips, a breathy laugh escaping him. He was happy, happier than he had been in a long time. Sure, he was scared as well, but he knew this was his path. These were his people.
For the first time in days, he wasn’t feeling scared of debuting. He wasn’t scared of how they would be perceived. He wasn’t worried if they would be liked enough to gather fans or win any awards. He was just genuinely happy.
His journey so far had been more convoluted than he originally hoped. His two original dreams, cross-country skiing and being a dance idol, hadn’t panned out.
At first, the idea of learning synthesiser and giving up dancing had shattered Seungmin to the core. He remembered one night where he had called his parents, sobbing into the phone as he told them the news. He remembered the way they comforted them, the way he could hear their voices wavering. He knew it was hard for them, him being so far away.
He remembered the way they had cheered and praised him when he told them they were set for debut. He remembered the way they sent gifts and snacks for him and the other members.
They still hadn’t met his bandmates yet, but Seungmin was excited for the day they would be able to. He was sure they would approve of the five guys he was now spending all of his time with.
The more he thought about it, the more Seungmin was sure he wouldn’t want to be debuting with anyone else. He had other friends at the company, ones he loved to bits, but all in all the six of them were perfect together, he thought. Studio J had done well selecting the six of them.
He let his eyes fall closed, a smile tugging at his lips.
Gunil was the best choice for leader. He was both the oldest and the one with the most experience (thanks Berklee), but that wasn’t why he fit the role so well. He was kind and empathetic and always made sure to listen to everyone’s concerns. He was a pillar for them all, someone they could lean on through whatever was thrown at them.
Jungsu had been Seungmin’s friend for years, long before they were moved to the band section. He was beyond kind and beyond thoughtful. You could mention the smallest detail to Jungsu and he would remember it for years to come, bringing it up again and again. He also gave amazing hugs.
Jiseok was born to be famous, Seungmin had decided. He was drop dead gorgeous, his face card literally lethal. He was energetic and bold in the way a celebrity needs to be, while still being quiet and reserved once his energy depleted. He was a lot weirder than he looked from afar, but he was charming enough it almost didn’t matter.
Hyeongjun hadn’t spoken to any of them at first. There was a distinct fear they were doing something wrong, but the managers had encouraged them to keep chipping away at his exterior. Soon enough, he was joining in, laughing loudly and offering his own unique jokes. He was an invaluable member of the team.
Jooyeon was the youngest and it really showed. He was weird, that was something no one could deny. Without the other members and the manager to look after him, Seungmin worried sometimes how the maknae would turn out. But even then, Jooyeon was beyond talented, fluent in music in a way that was awe inspiring.
Seungmin watched across the dorm as his colleagues moved seamlessly, completely adapted to the shared living space. Their manager sat at the counter, sipping at a mug of tea and scrolling on his phone. The nuggets were arguing playfully beside him, debating how they think fans will react to their debut music video.
Hyeongjun was sitting against the wall just over from Seungmin, picking at his guitar. The sound was soft, absorbed into the noise of the dorm. Jungsu was in the kitchen preparing some food, and Gunil was settled on the other side of the couch. He was flicking through channels, the hum and glow of the TV cutting through the space.
“I think they’ll like you the best,” Jiseok was saying, biting into a gummy lolly and speaking around it. “You’re super charismatic and honestly very handsome. They’ll notice you first - especially with your vocals.”
“Oh please,” Jooyeon grumbled, rolling his eyes. “You’re literally the most handsome here! If they’re gonna notice anyone first, it’ll be you.” Jiseok flushed, stuttering and failing to counter the accusation.
“They’ll notice both of you,” the manager cut in, leaning past Jooyeon to address both the nuggets. “All six of you are very handsome. I’m sure the fans will like all of you.”
The room lulled back into its usual buzz. Jiseok’s laugh was sharp through the relative silence, and yet it still made Seungmin’s smile widen.
Gunil shifted beside him, making Seungmin look over to see if he was alright. He looked a bit uncomfortable as he muted the TV and sat forward with his elbows on his knees. “It’s going to be weird,” he said, loud enough to catch everyone’s attention. “Like, when we’re onstage, we’re going to have to do fanservice and shit.”
“Oh totally,” Jungsu sighed loudly from behind the bench. “It’s gonna be so weird. You guys are my friends. That’s it.”
“Speak for yourselves,” Jooyeon said loudly, swinging his arms around Jiseok’s shoulders and puckering his lips like he was about to kiss him.
Jiseok shrieked, trying to push him away. “Ew, no no! Get off me, you idiot!” Jooyeon was laughing so hard collapsed down to the floor as he watched the guitarist shiver with disgust.
Gunil leant over, elbowing Seungmin’s arm. He was smirking, but the flicker behind his eyes was genuine. “I suppose it’ll be interesting for you and Hyeongjunnie. Have you ever flirted with a guy properly before?”
Seungmin felt his cheeks burn, the heat behind them enough to almost make him dizzy. He laughed softly, the sound more breathy than he would like.
He remembered coming out to Jungsu when they were still dance trainees. He remembered the way Jungsu held him as he cried, assuring him softly that his sexuality didn’t change anything.
Seungmin remembered the way he had mumbled out the truth to the band only a week before Hyeongjun had joined the line-up. ‘I’m gay,’ he had said, Jungsu hovering beside him in silent support. They had taken it well, pulling him into a tight hug.
He remembered the first time he admitted it to Hyeongjun, the way the guitarist had practically melted, his own confession coming out in a rush. ‘Oh God, me too.’ That had been the biggest relief; the knowledge that he was no longer alone.
The gentle strums of Hyeongjun’s guitar cut out. He was paying attention now too, listening to what Seungmin had to say. “I haven’t,” he said quietly. “Honestly, I don’t think liking guys will change fanservice for me or Hyeongjun though. We’re friends. No offense, but I can’t see myself falling for any of you.”
Hyeongjun chuckled softly, nodding along. “Agreed,” he mumbled, ducking his head down again and picking a new melody out on the strings.
“That’s what I’m hoping for,” their manager groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I do not want to have to deal with an in-group relationship so early into your careers. That’s horrifying to even think about.”
Jooyeon had dragged himself to his feet by now, having stepped around the bench to grab a glass of orange juice. He was just screwing the bottle cap back on when he froze, perking up in the way that only happened when he had had a horrible idea. “Oh, but manager-nim,” he sang, his voice soaked in his usual mischievous lilt.
“What is it, Jooyeon?” the manager sighed heavily.
The maknae was grinning now. He stepped to the side, swinging his arm around Jungsu’s shoulders. The keyboard player tensed, already preparing to shove Jooyeon off. “We never actually told you, but Jungsu-hyung and I have been dating for-”
“No,” Jungsu cut in, turning to push the youngest away. “Don’t even start with that. Are you about to come out too? Why are you flirting so much today?”
Jooyeon just giggled evilly, only just managing to dodge Jungsu’s half-hearted swings after him. “I’m just preparing for the fanservice, hyung! Nothing more. Unless you do genuinely want more…?”
Rolling his eyes, Jungsu turned back to his cooking. He wasn’t going to dignify that with a response.
The manager just finished his tea off in one go, standing up to rinse the cup in the sink. “As long as no one falls in love, I’m fine. As long as this band stays free from the complexities of internal romantic feelings, I’ll be happy.”
“Don’t worry,” Seungmin said, almost suppressing a laugh. There was no way he could see himself falling for any of his bandmates. “We’ll keep it strictly platonic. Absolutely no crushes.”
─── ⋆⋅ 🎱 ⋅⋆ ───
Oh boy, Seungmin couldn’t have been more wrong.
He often thought of that conversation in the years to come, the way he was so sure. It was ridiculous really. Looking back, his cheeks had burned the first time he met Hyeongjun, immediately struck with the shape of his eyes and the curve of his lips. The idea of never falling was idealistic at best.
In the end, Seungmin hadn’t been able to suppress his feelings forever and, of course, was forced to confront the realisation that wanting to kiss your bandmate wasn’t strictly ‘platonic’.
(At least it wasn’t in his case. For Jooyeon, it probably was. Well, since Jiseok had come out as bisexual a year or so prior, did it make it more or less platonic if Seungmin had caught them kissing a few times? Somehow, Jooyeon still maintained he was straight and there were no feelings between them. No one really knew how to feel about that.)
His realisation had started while the two of them were in Japan. Specifically while Seungmin was watching the younger play guitar onstage at that club. Watching the way Hyeongjun spoke freely in Japanese, the way he had played so confidently, Seungmin had felt his heart skip more beats than he knew was healthy. He had realised the extent of his feelings then - the way he was bordering real romantic love.
It had been scary at first, but in the end there was nothing scary about Hyeongjun. About the way the younger had started gravitating towards him like a planet in orbit. He would curl into Seungmin’s side, smiling faintly as he felt the quickening pace of the synth player’s heart. He would go out of his way to find Seungmin, to follow him between schedules and chattering quietly about things that interested him.
While changing was a guaranteed part of life, Seungmin was noticing the changes in Hyeongjun’s attitude, paying much closer than he was willing to admit. He watched the way the younger’s eyes sparkled as they made eye contact in the practice room mirror, the way he melted under Seungmin’s praise.
It was easy to brush it off, to pretend it didn’t mean anything, but Seungmin wasn’t an idiot. He knew what feelings looked like. Hell, he was dealing with his own. The idea of his crush being reciprocated was… a lot. He tried not to think about it, focusing instead on his own song writing.
Alas, that wasn’t yielding much comfort either.
‘Through the fading colours
‘Of the open air,
‘I can only wish to remain by your side
‘For just one more night’
His lyrics were lovestruck, unwillingly pouring out his own feelings. Jungsu had raised an eyebrow when he skim read them, sharing a look with Gunil that Seungmin didn’t want to spend any time deciphering.
“Are you going to tell him?” Gunil asked quietly.
Seungmin swallowed, ducking his head as his cheeks burned. “It’s that obvious then?”
Jungsu just pursed his lips, shifting forward and pressing a hand to his friend’s shoulder. It was warm and grounding through the thin material of Seungmin’s t-shirt. “Unfortunately, yeah it is.”
He supposed that was why he was standing outside Hyeongjun’s bedroom door now. His hand was raised, trembling in a way he wasn’t quite used to. He took another deep breath, failing to knock against the wood for a fourth time.
He remembered the manager’s words, even four years later. ‘As long as no one falls in love.’ He had really broken that first rule, hadn’t he? He had gone back against his promise and fallen so deeply that he couldn’t even see the light of day anymore. So deeply that he couldn’t climb out.
So deeply that he didn’t even want to .
Finally, he knocked on the door, his knuckles hitting the surface three times in quick succession. He froze, his own eyes widening as he heard Hyeongjun shuffling around inside. What if this was a mistake…?
Before he could second guess any more, the door before him opened with a click. Hyeongjun peered out, his hair pulled back tightly in a ponytail. He smiled as soon as he saw Seungmin, pulling the door further open and settling against the door frame. “Oh, hey Minnie. What’s up?”
The sight was only slightly more attractive than Seungmin wanted to admit. His jaw worked, a tight smile forcing its way onto his face. “Hey, Junnie. Nothing much. I was just, uhm, wondering if we could talk for a minute?”
Hyeongjun nodded easily, stepping back to let the synth player inside. “Of course.” Seungmin had to force himself forwards, his legs much shakier beneath him than they should have been.
Hyeongjun’s bedroom was plain, yet perfectly personalised. The walls were a delicate grey and plastered with a few band posters. He had a guitar hanging on the wall, and another one resting in a stand in the corner. His desk was neat, but the loose music sheets were stained with brown mug rings.
They settled on Hyeongjun’s bed, sitting side by side. Seungmin was well aware he was stiff, but his heart was beating too fast for that to be his main priority.
“What’s up?” the guitarist asked again, shifting slightly closer. He moved slowly, almost like he was approaching an injured animal.
Seungmin let out a little huff. Under Hyeongjun’s gaze, suddenly Seungmin felt all of his words escaping him. He swallowed again, tilting his head just enough that he was no longer looking directly at his crush.
“Minnie?” Hyeongjun mumbled, his voice soft in the silence of the room. The duvet rustled between them, the faint hum of music drifting in from Jooyeon’s bedroom over.
“I wanted to say…” Seungmin swallowed, squeezing his eyes closed for a moment. His hands fidgeted in his lap, tightening around nothing as he tried to focus on his words. Before he had had a skeleton of what he wanted to say. Where had that gone?
Exhaling one last time, he gathered every drop of courage he had inside him, gripping it tightly inside him. He turned back, his eyes locking with Hyeongjun’s. “I want to say that I broke the promise we made before debut. The one about falling for someone in the group.”
The guitarist listened carefully, his eyes sparkling in the same way that always made Seungmin’s chest tighten. “Who did you fall for?” he asked tentatively.
“I think you know,” Seungmin breathed. He moved slowly, as if trying not to disturb the peace between them. He reached across the space, interlocking his fingers with Hyeongjun’s. He pressed their palms together, letting the warmth of the younger’s skin ground him. “I’ve fallen in love with you,” he said, the words barely louder than a sigh.
Hyeongjun didn’t say anything at first. But then he leant forwards, slowly enough that Seungmin felt his stomach flip. Light as a feather, Hyeongjun’s lips ghosted the synth player’s, just enough to send a shiver through them both.
“I love you too,” the guitarist exhaled as he pulled away just enough to look Seungmin in the eyes. “I have for a long time now.” His lips were curling at the edges, pulling up in the way Seungmin found adorable.
“Would you like to get dinner with me?” he asked softly.
Hyeongjun hadn’t smiled wider in the four years Seungmin had known him. “Yes, please.”
This time Seungmin was the one who leant in. His heart was demanding, begging to be closer, to feel more. He raised his free hand, allowing himself to cup Hyeongjun’s cheek as he moved to brush their lips together.
The kiss was sweet, just enough to make Seungmin’s heart skip a few too many beats. The sensation of Hyeongjun’s lips on his, the softness and the warmth, was addicting. Kissing was addicting, and it was definitely something Seungmin already knew he was going to depend on. It was like a drug, something that now he had tried, he knew he wouldn’t be able to live without.
Breaking off with a quiet giggle, Hyeongjun pressed their foreheads together. “Dips not telling the manager though. That’s all on you.”
Seungmin groaned loudly. That was definitely a conversation he wasn’t looking forward to. Instead of dwelling on it, he just pulled his now-lover in again for another kiss. He could focus on the manager tomorrow. Right now, he had a boy to kiss.