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Chapter Text

Suzaku Kururugi paused outside the subway station, took a deep breath in and sighed it out, the icey January morning a relief after the wet, oppressive heat of the overcrowded 6 train. They'd been held between stops for no adequately explained reason for nearly ten minutes, and the air inside the train car had thickened with the exhales of his fellow passengers and the melting snow that clung to their coats, hats and scarves. Suzaku wasn't surprised New York City's trains hadn't improved since the last time he'd been here over ten years ago, but it did make him miss those in Tokyo that were clean and efficient and always on time. Or maybe he just missed Tokyo. Or maybe he just missed Euphy.

He could still perfectly recall the last time he'd seen her, sitting on the bed that, until so recently, had been theirs; her violet eyes watching him pack his suitcases, their cat, Arthur, curled up in her lap, her white blouse and her long pink hair tied up in a ponytail. It was a deeply familiar picture, except that, unlike the nearly ten years they'd been married, she hadn't been smiling.

He shivered, reminding himself that nothing was official yet, that this was only a trial separation, that they could still reconcile, but also that it was his first day at his new job and he needed his wits about him. Forcing his thoughts down and his feet forward, Suzaku made his way East along 59th Street, away from Central Park and towards the address he'd had marked on Google Maps since he'd arrived in New York five days ago. It had taken him by surprise that an architecture firm, particularly one as prestigious as ASEEC, would be tucked in between expensive hotels and high end department stores, but the CEO was notoriously eccentric.

Suzaku wove through the crowds of harrowed commuters and shivering tourists and arrived at a huge glass fronted building with a sterile looking white marble lobby. With another deep breath of icey air, Suzaku pushed open the door and approached the security guard behind the imposing desk facing the entrance. More people dressed in dark suits and winter coats followed, but they just pressed badges to the censors on the line of metal turnstyles next to the desk without a second glance.

"Good morning," Suzaku said to the security guard, who just looked up from his phone and slid a clipboard and pen wordlessly towards him. Suzaku picked up the pen, wrote, "January 7th, Suzaku Kururugi, floor 10, 8:52 AM" and was allowed through the nearest turnstyle. He followed more dark suited people, some holding cups of coffee, others on their phones, all looking like they still hadn't recovered from New Years, towards the elevators on the opposite wall. As he waited for one to arrive, he thought more of Euphy. She'd supported him while he got his engineering degree, encouraged him his whole career, and even texted him good luck that morning. Though of course, it was nighttime in Tokyo now. Was she at home with Arthur? Or out and about, as was part of their agreement?

An elevator finally chimed its arrival, and Suzaku joined the swarm of dark suited people getting on it. The doors closed, and the elevator stopped at what felt like every floor before finally arriving at the tenth. "Excuse me," Suzaku said, quietly, stepping out onto a small foyer with frosted glass doors directly in front of him, a plaque proclaiming "ASEEC Architecture" to their left. He paused, and accidentally caught the eye of a woman who'd disembarked with him. They exchanged a smile, and heat rushed up his neck as he followed her through the doors.

The firm comprised a huge, open concept office with a long central table evenly partitioned into workspaces, private offices and conference rooms behind more frosted glass doors and huge windows on all sides through which Suzaku could see the city beyond, grey and snowy and smokey.

"Good morning, Cecille," said the young woman behind the reception desk to Suzaku's left.

"Hello! I'm sorry, I'm a little frazzled this morning," replied the woman who'd come in with Suzaku, unwinding a scarf from her neck.

"Oh I feel you on that. Can I help you, sir?"

"Yes! Sorry, my name is Suzaku Kururugi, and-"

"Oh, you're our new contract hire!" exclaimed the woman called Cecille. "I'm so sorry, I didn't realize! Lloyd didn't- well anyway." She extended her hand to Suzaku, beaming, and he shook it. "Please come with me, it's great to have you aboard!"

Lelouch Lamperouge wasn't sure if it was the smell of the fresh coffee or the fresh snowfall that woke him, but both seemed to reach him in his dreams before his alarm. He picked up his phone to silence it, then set it back on his bedside table, ignoring all the messages and news alerts. He stretched and sat up, shivering a little as his blankets fell away, and brushed his hair out of his eyes to look out the window he'd left cracked. Snow was swirling outside, both obscuring and adding to his view of Manhattan's Lower East Side: mismatched buildings, traffic and the Williamsburg Bridge crossing the half frozen East River.

He smiled at the view, then got out of bed, pulled on his bathrobe and padded down the hallway into the combined living room, dining room and kitchen, blinking in the bright midmorning light pouring in through the entirely glass wall opposite. CC, his business partner, or partner in crime as they half jokingly referred to each other, sat on the floor in front of the TV playing Jet Set Radio Future, dressed in one of his button downs with a pizza box and mug of coffee beside her. "Morning, Your Highness," she said, without looking around.

"Well met," replied Lelouch, sarcastically, though he couldn't help but smile at the deeply familiar picture. "Cold pizza for breakfast?" he asked, helping himself to the pot of coffee she'd made.

"Always." She missed her jump and made an impatient noise. "What do you have to do today, anything?"

"I'm going with Kallen to see her mother." Lelouch carried his coffee over to one of their sleek, modern couches, sat down and watched CC fail the jump again.

"How uncharacteristically nice of you."

"I have my moments," he reminded her, his lip curling as he took a sip of coffee. At last, CC made the jump. She paused the game and arched her back to look at him upside down.

"So no clients?"

"No, and remember we've got everyone coming over for hot pot tonight." CC righted herself and shook her long green hair out of her eyes.

"Oh right, for Mao's birthday."

"Indeed." CC unpaused the game, and they fell into comfortable silence while Lelouch drank his coffee and watched her beat the level, nodding along to the music.

"You can go to lunch, if you want!" exclaimed Lloyd, suddenly. "Sorry, I got distracted!"

"Right…" replied Suzaku, a little dazed. His new boss had practically thrown himself over his desk in greeting when Cecille had brought him into his corner office, then, over her protests, had given Suzaku a tour of the entire floor, introduced him to everyone within reach, taken his photo for his entrance badge, printed the badge and shoved it at him, then showed him his dedicated space at the big central table and hung around to talk at him for over three hours. Suzaku felt this went way beyond "getting distracted" and wondered exactly what he'd gotten into, but kept that to himself.

"Be back on time though, it wouldn't do to miss your first big meeting with us!" Lloyd continued, smirking and gesturing.

"Right…" Suzaku said again. "Well, thank you for everything, I'll see you later!" Lloyd winked and departed with a wave. Suzaku wondered if he behaved this way with everyone or if he was being hazed, which he supposed was Lloyd's right as CEO, but…

Suzaku just shook his head, took his lunch from his bag and carried it into the huge break room. Like the rest of the space, it was modern, all clean lines and sharp angles, metal and glass and not altogether dissimilar from where he'd worked back in Tokyo. He'd had that job since graduating from college, and had moved up quite far given he was only twenty eight. He hadn't intended to leave, indeed he would have been happy to stay there his whole career, but then everything had changed.

He'd applied for the job at ASEEC on a whim, or if he were honest, a hurt impulse. He'd never intended to tell Euphy, because he'd never intended to get a call back, let alone an interview, let alone the six month contract they'd offered him. It had therefore taken him a long time to confess, as though it were some awful secret he'd been withholding, but then when he'd finally gotten the courage, she'd not only been happy for him, but added,

"I think the space would be good for us," and smiled her usual loving smile. Suzaku's stomach had clenched and his chest had burned. "Where in the US are they located?" The burning bubbled up into his throat.

"New York City." Euphy's eyes had widened, then something tightened around her mouth, but when she spoke, her voice was steady.

"Well, congratulations!"

Suzaku sighed and stared at the flurries of snow outside the windows. It hadn't been intentional, at least not consciously so, and he'd found what she was insinuating unfair, doubly so since their first Things I Feel I've Missed conversation. New York wasn't something he'd missed, but something he'd lost.

Suzaku stared at his food, but no longer felt remotely hungry. His stomach was churning anxiously, and he wondered, for nowhere near the first time, what the fuck he thought he was doing. However, rather than try and figure it out, he shoved his lunch in the stainless steel refrigerator, returned to his desk, put on his winter coat, scarf and gloves, snatched up his badge, wallet and phone and rushed out of his office with the vague idea of getting coffee.

Lelouch's breath rose in frozen clouds in front of him as he left the F train station at 63rd Street, pausing to text Kallen,

I'm stopping for coffee

do you want anything?

a sharp object to jam directly into my throat?

no doubt

I'll see you in a few minutes

He turned up his music, shoved his phone back into the pocket of his winter coat and continued on his way.

The cold, snowy air snapped Suzaku back to the present and he headed West, then North, swept along in the comforting tide of people. He knew mostly where he was going; he'd found the little coffee and tea shop when he'd come here on the weekend to check out the neighborhood and make sure he knew exactly where his office was, but it was still a relief to spot the tiny hole in the wall between a bookstore and a CUNY Hunter building.

He pulled open the door and stepped gratefully inside. It was all panelled in dark wood, warm and steamy and smelled of coffee and sugar. He joined the short cue, resisting the urge to check his phone because he knew there wouldn't be any messages anyway, and instead stared at the paintings hanging from the walls, which were all apparently by local artists and for sale. His and Euphy's apartment had art all over the walls, but his place here, company housing on York Avenue, was all bare walls and inoffensive beige furniture.

"Can I help you?" asked the smiling young woman behind the counter.

"I'm so sorry, yes!" Suzaku ordered an Americano, then stepped to the side, staring about at the other customers: college students with piles of textbooks, other young professionals on laptops or cellphones, elderly people reading the newspaper-

Suzaku started and did a genuine double take at someone in line. It couldn't be, there were plenty of people here in long black coats with dark hair and headphones, it was just because he'd been thinking about him back at the office!

"Can I help you?" asked the smiling barista, and the young man smiled back, half charismatic, half mischievous, but completely, uncomfortably familiar. Suzaku narrowed his eyes, his heart racing.

"Could I please have a small latte?" That voice… "Regular milk is fine, thank you so much." There was no mistaking…

"Lelouch?" Suzaku cried, without thinking.

Lelouch started at his name, then looked around to see who had spoken. His eyes found Suzaku's, and he gasped. "Suzaku?"

Suzaku's chest squeezed almost painfully tightly around his racing heart. For a moment, it was his last time in New York over ten years ago, or maybe his first time here fifteen years ago, seeing Lelouch waiting for him at JFK. He nodded. Lelouch shut off his music and took off his headphones as if this might help him see more clearly, and maybe it did, because, "Oh my god, wait hold up-" Lelouch paid for his coffee with a hurried apology to the barista, then rushed to Suzaku's side. His mind was shocked into total blankness, but his heart pounded and his mouth went dry as a tidal wave of memories and emotions rose inside him. He took deep breaths, trying to stay calm as he looked Suzaku up and down, taking in his nice suit under his winter coat, his gloved hands, his face, older but so familiar. A moment's silence passed. "What are you doing in New York?" he asked, devoutly thankful his voice was steady. Affection swelled in Suzaku's chest; Lelouch always talked about New York in that tone, as though it were his city and everyone else just happened to be there. He looked him up and down a few times, taking in his slim fitting black wool coat, his scarf the same shade of purple as his eyes.

"I um, I just moved here," replied Suzaku. "For work." Heat rushed up his neck at how tongue tied he felt, but he just couldn't believe it. Obviously he'd thought about seeing Lelouch again when he'd made arrangements to move here, if indeed that was something he'd wanted to do, but he'd expected it to take a lot more work than this! And yet, in barely a week, here he was, right in front of him, after years of not speaking.

"What-" Lelouch started to ask, but then the barista set both of their drinks on the counter. They exchanged an awkward laugh and picked them up. Discreetly, Lelouch eyed Suzaku's hands more closely, but couldn't tell if he was wearing a ring under his gloves.

"Do you have a few minutes?" Suzaku asked, holding his cup in both hands. Lelouch forced his eyes back up to his face, and it was as if they held each other afloat on the sea of memories and unanswered questions and emotions that churned and frothed beneath them. Lelouch checked his phone.

"I do," he said. "Do you work around here?"

"Yes, on 60th and Third."

"I'll walk you back to your office, then, I'm going the same way." Suzaku's stomach clenched. Was this all he'd get? After all these years? However, he just smiled and nodded, and they left the coffee shop together. It had stopped snowing at last, and though it was still overcast, the sun shone through the clouds to reflect off the surrounding buildings and fresh snowfall. "So what do you do?" asked Lelouch, taking a sip of his coffee.

"I work for ASEEC Architecture, as an engineer."

"So you did end up going to engineering school," said Lelouch, half proud, half hurt, then, before the past could rise any higher, "I've heard of that company. They're behind that building in Singapore that harvests rainwater." Suzaku's heart swelled in his chest at his familiar authoritative tone and always wanting to be well informed.

"Yes exactly! I just started, so I haven't really gotten to do anything yet, but," he broke off and sipped his drink. "Do you still live in this neighborhood?"

"Oh fuck no," replied Lelouch, and again Suzaku's heart swelled at the familiar tone. "I'm just on my way to help out a friend." Suzaku waited to see if he'd elaborate, however, "I'll tell Nunnally I ran into you."

"Is she here?" Suzaku asked, not at all surprised at the subject change.

"No, she's living in LA now," replied Lelouch, "here, let me show you." He dug his phone out of his pocket, then, after carefully getting rid of text notifications, held it out to Suzaku. His background was Nunnally, grown into a beautiful young woman, in a wheelchair on what looked like a stage in between two ramps. She was under a spotlight, her arms held high and back arched gracefully with a look of joy on her face. "She got scouted by this wheelchair dance company a few years ago," Lelouch explained, proudly, "and she's been performing and touring ever since."

"That's amazing!" exclaimed Suzaku.

"It is," agreed Lelouch, returning his phone to his pocket. "I worry about her being so far away without me, but she likes it out there and she can be way more independent, which I think is good for both of us."

"I understand," said Suzaku. They smiled at each other, and heat rushed up Lelouch's neck. Suzaku was still holding his drink in both hands, and Lelouch's eyes darted again to his gloved ring fingers. He wanted to ask, but it was too high risk. Fortunately, as they crossed the street, Suzaku asked, "So what do you do?" Lelouch laughed, and Suzaku raised his eyebrows. "What's that for?" Lelouch drank more coffee and tried to weigh his options, but unable to think clearly, said the first thing thing that came into his head.

"Do you want to exchange numbers?"

"What? I mean yes, but-" Suzaku laughed softly and shook his head. He was about to say "don't avoid the question!" but that had always been pointless. He narrowed his eyes at Lelouch, who gazed back at him challengingly, though his heart was now racing at what he'd started. Of all the things to say… but he couldn't exactly take it back now. "Here." Suzaku unlocked his phone and handed it to Lelouch. He smiled at the background, Arthur curled in a ball around the toy he'd been mauling, then created a new contact and typed in his number, resisting the urge to snoop.

"There," he said, handing the phone back to Suzaku. "Let's get drinks or something later this week and," he hesitated, his eyes once more locked on Suzaku's, "and actually catch up."

"I'd love that," replied Suzaku, very seriously. He smiled, and Lelouch smiled too. All too soon, they were back in front of ASEEC's building. "This is me," said Suzaku, and again they faced each other. "Now tell me what you do for a living." Lelouch laughed again, remembering how intense and demanding Suzaku had been when they were younger, then bit down on the inside of his lip. He wasn't ashamed of what he did, but some people took it weirdly, and it was Suzaku. A moment's silence passed.

"I'm a professional shibari rigger." Whatever Suzaku had been expecting, it wasn't that. His eyes flew open and he gasped,

"You what?!"

"Shibari, rope bond-"

"I'm familiar with the term!" Suzaku cried, then went very red. Lelouch tilted his head to the side, but said nothing. "What do you mean by that, though?" Suzaku continued, his voice lowering conspiratorially.

"Several things," replied Lelouch, evasively, and Suzaku rolled his eyes. Again, it was so familiar. "I perform, I run education events, I host parties and excursions and," he hesitated, "I have clients I see privately."

"Oh," replied Suzaku, rather lamely. Questions exploded inside his head like fireworks, but before he could decide which to ask first,

"I'll tell you more over drinks," said Lelouch, bracingly. "Trust me, it'll be better that way."

"Right," replied Suzaku, because he had no idea what else to say to that. He'd never have thought in a million years… Was that why they hadn't spoken? Had he gotten caught up in something dangerous? "Sorry, I'm a little-"

"It's not that deep, seriously," Lelouch interrupted, and though he was smiling reassuringly, Suzaku still had no idea what to make of it, especially because it was Lelouch. "I'll tell you more over drinks. Don't worry though, it's nowhere near as dangerous or exciting as you think."

"Here's hoping," said Suzaku. Lelouch's expression softened a little.

"Are you okay to go back to work like this?" he asked, half concerned, half sarcastic, entirely familiar.

"What? Oh no, I'm fine! Just surprised, that's all." He took a breath to gather himself. "I'll text you?" Lelouch bit down on the inside of his lip, then,

"You will." He held out his hand, Suzaku shook it, and they exchanged one last smile.

"I'll see you soon," said Suzaku, because he couldn't stand to say goodbye to Lelouch again.

"You will." They looked at each other a moment longer, then Suzaku finally turned and went back inside the building, pressing a badge against the metal turnstyle in the lobby.

Lelouch waited until he'd disappeared into an elevator before putting his headphones back on and heading further East towards Weill Cornell, shivering a little at the cold he hadn't noticed at all when Suzaku was with him. He supposed Suzaku still ran hot. He remembered sleeping beside him during the summers they'd spent together after staying up late talking, until of course he'd met her.

Even though he'd imagined reuniting, he never thought he'd actually see Suzaku again, much less run into him in a random coffee shop on Lexington Avenue after ten years. The odds were astronomical, and yet here they were… Lelouch shuddered and looked down at his hand, remembering viscerally how it had felt in Suzaku's.

His heart throbbed painfully, but no, he wouldn't go there right now. Until he had more information, he'd just let himself be… curious? excited? about their plans for drinks.

Chapter Text

10th between 1st and 2nd, right?

Suzaku's stomach hitched as he sent the message and his heart skipped as he watched the chat bubbles appear.

Yes

I'll see you at 6?

perfect!

He set down his phone and returned to his computer, though the project he'd been assigned to swam before him. He and Lelouch had made plans the same day they'd run into each other, then confirmed and reconfirmed over the intervening days. They'd talked about other things, too, though nothing really consequential. Lelouch had told Suzaku that Nunnally said hi, then sent him a photo of a hot pot full of spicy broth, meat and vegetables, and Suzaku had told Lelouch to say hi back, then sent a picture of the sweet tortoiseshell cat at the bodega by his building. He wondered if Lelouch was feeling like he was, that the texts helped him remember it hadn't all been a dream, but also that he wouldn't believe they'd really reconnected until they were face to face again.

"Hey, Suzaku! What are you up to tonight?" Suzaku started and looked up to find his coworker, Gino, leaning over him, his bright blue eyes catching the sunset outside.

"What? Oh, I'm meeting an old friend, why?" Gino groaned in disappointment.

"Some of us were gonna go grab drinks, but," he sighed theatrically, "since you already have Thirsty Thursday plans…" Suzaku hung his head in contrition.

"That's really nice of you, next time?"

"Next time!" Gino gave him the thumbs up and went back to his workspace. Suzaku's heart squeezed as he returned his gaze to his computer.

'An old friend…' he thought, his smile faltering. He and Lelouch had been friends for eight years, best friends, as they proudly told everyone who asked, because they'd had to work for it. They'd see each other every summer, their fathers alternating between shipping Lelouch to Tokyo or Suzaku to New York, and keep in touch through e–mail and texting and Skype during the aching, useless months in between. It was difficult, but always totally worth it. Or so he'd thought, until Lelouch had deserted him with no explanation. He could still remember his last words to him as though it had happened yesterday, then the months of fruitless texts, then ten years of feeling owed, though he knew that was shameful.

"Are you going to talk about what happened?" Euphy had asked, when Suzaku had told her he'd run into Lelouch over FaceTime on Tuesday. She obviously knew who he was, though they'd only briefly existed in Suzaku's life at the same time and had never actually met.

"I'm not sure," replied Suzaku, looking away from his phone. They were both in bed, him trying to get to sleep, her just waking up. Arthur was curled up beside her, purring loudly, and the sight and sound made his heart ache. "I suppose we could, but I'd rather just have a nice night, you know?" Something in Euphy's expression tightened, but she just nodded.

"I understand."

Suzaku hadn't pressed her, but he'd lain awake for a long time after hanging up, replaying the conversation in his head, trying to discern meaning, figure out what she had wanted to say and lamenting that just a few months ago, she wouldn't have held back. Just a few months ago, he'd have told her how excited he was to finally be getting some answers from Lelouch. Just a few months ago, he'd never have questioned getting married so young.

An e-mail notification flashed suddenly on Suzaku's computer screen, jerking him back to the present. He replied to it, though his mind had already slipped simultaneously into bed with Euphy and downtown with Lelouch.

"We'll see you Saturday," said Lelouch. "If anything changes, let me know. It's never too late to back out." All three models smiled, and one of them, a pretty young woman with long dark hair, rolled her eyes.

"That's very sweet, especially the six dozenth time…" Everyone, especially Kallen and CC, laughed, though Lelouch thought six dozen was probably a conservative estimate.

"Sorry," he replied, graciously, smirking, and she smirked right back.

"See you Saturday!" She and the other two models, another pretty young woman with shoulder length blonde hair and a handsome young man with bright green eyes, gathered their things and left together, waving at Lelouch, Kallen and CC over their shoulders. The moment the door shut behind them, Lelouch closed his eyes, took a deep breath in and sighed it out, trying to get his wits about him. The performance Saturday night for which the models had come to rehearse was nothing too crazy and nothing all six of them hadn't done before; your standard display of rope bondage, suspension and impact in sexy costumes at a club in Brooklyn that still marketed itself as underground.

He opened his eyes, and The Dungeon came into focus around him. It wasn't an actual dungeon, but a studio apartment on the 14th floor of Lelouch and CC's building where they and Kallen saw clients. All the walls were painted black, soundproofed and hung with fetish equipment and glass fronted cabinets full of toys. A submission horse stood beside a cage in one corner, a St. Andrew's Cross in another, a black leather couch faced a massage table, and in the center of the room stood a tripod suspension frame like the one they'd be using Saturday night. CC sat below it, coiling up the rope they'd used in rehearsal, while Kallen carefully set her floggers back on their wall display.

"Are you two okay?" Lelouch asked. CC nodded, deadpan as ever, but Kallen wore the same drained expression she had at the hospital Monday afternoon.

"Yeah I'm good," she replied, though it wasn't at all reassuring. However, before Lelouch could press her, "What time is our call Saturday again?"

"Nine," replied CC, also watching Kallen.

"Nine," she repeated, running her fingers through her bright red hair. "What are you two up to tonight?"

"Clients," replied CC, indifferently, checking the time on her phone, though her golden eyes kept darting to Kallen. Lelouch's mouth went suddenly dry, but he'd been prepared for this.

"I'm getting drinks with someone." He hadn't told any of his friends about running into Suzaku, not even Kallen and CC, who knew who he was and what had happened. Or at least, he'd told them both pieces of it separately while fucked up, which added up to them knowing the full story in his estimation.

"With who?" asked Kallen, narrowing her eyes.

"Where are you going now? Home?" he asked, making it clear he wasn't going to elaborate. Kallen took a deep, steadying breath through her nose, but rather than say "I fucking hate when you do that" or "Lelouch, don't be a dick" or one of her other go to responses, she just nodded glumly.

"At least it'll be quiet." Lelouch opened his mouth, but said nothing.

"Do you know how long your mom will be in the hospital?" CC asked, getting to her feet with her bundles of rope. Kallen swallowed.

"I think just a few weeks, then she'll be at a rehab facility." Lelouch and CC's eyes lit up in surprised excitement, but Kallen forestalled them. "The 'learn how to walk again' type, not the 'get sober' type." It would have been funny had she not sounded so hurt and angry.

"I'm sorry," said CC, but Kallen just waved the words aside.

"Thanks. I've been sorry."

"I'll walk you to the train?" Lelouch offered, wanting to show solidarity without pissing her off. Kallen caught his eye, and something in her expression softened.

"That'd be great."

They finished resetting everything, got their stuff together and left The Dungeon for the gray and beige hallway. The ugly fluorescent lighting was harsh on their eyes after the soft, moody darkness within, but Lelouch always appreciated the contrast; it allowed him to switch completely out of his work mind, rather like stepping off stage.

"I'll see you later," said CC, while Kallen and Lelouch suited up in coats, hats and scarves.

"Bye, CC," replied Kallen, hugging her, while Lelouch just gave her an ironic wave.

"See you at home." She graced him with her own ironic wave, then turned right towards the stairs while Lelouch and Kallen turned left and walked side by side in silence to the elevators at the end of the hallway. "Are you going to be okay? Seriously," asked Lelouch, pressing the down button. Kallen faced him with a heavy sigh, her expression brave, though of course she faced everything bravely. It was one of the many things he admired about her.

"I'll be fine, I'm just gonna go home and pass out." She swallowed. "Performing on Saturday will help."

"Most likely." The elevator arrived, and they took it down to the lobby. "Do you want to get dinner before the show?" Kallen actually managed a smile as the elevator doors chimed open.

"If I have time and energy, sure." They passed the surly doorman and stepped out onto a dark and misty Delancey Street. It had warmed up over the last few days, and mist rose off of the grimy snow banks and hung in the air, catching the orange street lights. They weaved through the crowds to the train station on the corner, then stood out of the way of the stream of exiting commuters to say goodbye. "Will you tell me who you're going to see?" asked Kallen, bluntly. Lelouch's lip twitched. Kallen's forthrightness was another quality he admired. He took a deep breath, the air wet and heavy in his lungs.

"It depends on how tonight goes," he said, slowly, which was the truth. There was the possibility he and Suzaku really would reconnect and become friends again, in which case she'd definitely find out and he'd want her to hear it from him, but it was equally likely that there were too many bitter feelings and the whole evening would be a disaster, in which case it wouldn't matter. Either way, he didn't want to bother her with it just now.

"Best I can hope for, I guess," she replied, with a warm, genuine smile that Lelouch returned.

"I guess so."

"Have a good night."

"You too. Text me if you need anything, okay?"

"Yeah yeah…" She hugged him goodbye and descended the stairs, digging in her bag for her headphones. Lelouch watched her go, then put on his own headphones, crossed the street and headed uptown, his mind now free to scheme and speculate.

Although it was his idea, he still wasn't sure how he felt about seeing Suzaku again, even after three days of trying to untangle the powerful swell of emotions he'd been feeling from the moment he'd said his name. Obviously the most salient thing had been shock, because really, what were the fucking odds? Unless Suzaku had come looking for him, but why the fuck would he do that? Except that it seemed wholly unlikely he'd move across the world, and, even if it was just for work, not at least try to look him up, but maybe that was just self-serving fantasy. Probably, given he'd intentionally made himself difficult to find.

Lelouch paused at a red light on Houston Street, and his stomach squirmed guiltily. He could still remember the last words he'd spoken to Suzaku exactly, on that Skype call ten years ago.

"You've got some nerve asking me that."

Would Suzaku bring it up? Demand answers? Immediately his brain went into overdrive trying to come up with rationalizations and strategies as he cursed his impulsive words. He hadn't even really meant to ask if he wanted to exchange numbers, he'd just needed an out and that was the first thing that occurred to him, except that, despite his best efforts to suppress it, he'd missed Suzaku terribly during their time apart.

The light changed, and Lelouch made it all the way up to 7th Street before he got stuck again. Tompkins Square Park was across Avenue A, dark except for the glow of more street lights. People walked in and out of it alone and in pairs, talking, walking dogs, on their phones and heading into restaurants and bars, including the one Rivalz managed, though he wasn't working tonight. He'd started there as a barback in college, then worked his way up, and always lamented not just leaving school the second he got promoted to bartender. "Wasn't it worth it to meet us, though?" Milly always chided him, and he'd smile and roll his eyes concilliatorilly.

"I guess so."

Lelouch crossed the street, looking into the park with a nostalgic ache in his chest. Back in high school, he used to play chess against the old heads at the picnic tables, sometimes for money but usually just for satisfaction and mostly because it made his father furious. One summer Suzaku had spent here, they must have been fifteen or sixteen, Lelouch had made him come watch, and he'd won more money than he had in months. They'd rushed back up to the townhouse on 62nd Street in which he'd grown up, only to be confronted by Charles, demanding to know what they were doing downtown with those people.

"What do you mean 'those people?'" Lelouch asked, his voice oozing contempt. "Those people you forced out of their apartments when you bought all those buildings and hiked up the rent?" Charles couldn't actually lose his shit because Suzaku was there, so he just told him to shut his ungrateful mouth and get out of his sight. Lelouch rolled his eyes at Suzaku and they escaped to his bedroom.

Nunnally was there waiting for them, but Lelouch ignored her reprimand about making their father angry. Their father was always angry, and it had only gotten worse since their mother's illness and death. Either way, Lelouch was too full of his day out in the city with Suzaku to care, and though Nunnally was annoyed, she still snuck out with them that night after Charles had gone to bed.

They'd planned to just hang out by the river, but after walking a few blocks, Lelouch leading while Suzaku pushed Nunnally in her wheelchair, they found someone had popped the cap off a fire hydrant, causing a fountain of water to gush out in a high, graceful arc and flood the street. Most people just crossed to avoid it, but Suzaku charged through it with Nunnally, the pair of them laughing and screaming.

"Lelouch, try it!" Suzaku gasped, his wet t-shirt clinging to his chest and hair stuck to his face.

"No, I'll get soaked!"
"Exactly, it feels awesome!" Suzaku seized Lelouch's arm and pulled him under the water, and even though it was freezing and he cried out, it felt gloriously refreshing in the hot, sticky summer night.

Lelouch shivered and turned left onto 9th Street, passing small boutique stores and more restaurants and bars, trying to get his wits about him, though his mind still showed him and Suzaku in his room after they'd snuck back into the house and put Nunnally to bed, biting back laughter and peeling off their wet clothes-

-but then he caught sight of Suzaku standing outside the wine bar halfway down the block, looking at his phone with a familiar, preoccupied expression. He paused to gather himself, took off his headphones, then proceeded.

Suzaku looked up at Lelouch's approach, and a smile broke out across his face. Lelouch's heart skipped, and for a split second he wondered if this really was a horrible idea, but then Suzaku said, "Hi!" and his mind blanked completely.

"Hi," he replied, rather lamely, then, forcing himself to pay attention, "did I keep you waiting?"

"Not at all, I just got here," replied Suzaku, hurriedly shoving his phone into his coat pocket. He looked Lelouch up and down and gave a little sigh of relief. Lelouch's eyes widened, he felt rather like he were being x-rayed, but then he smiled too.

"Let's go inside."

"Yes!"

It was a narrow, cozy place, all soft lights and dark woods. The wall behind the bar was exposed brick while the others were painted a deep purple and hung with fairy lights. Candles flickered in glass jars along the bar and in the center of every table. "Hey!" exclaimed the bartender, a woman in her forties with intricate sleeve tattoos.

"How are you?" Lelouch asked, warmly. He and his friends were regulars here, and she'd helped him and CC host events at another bar she worked at across town.

"Well enough. Just the two of you?"

"Yes." She smiled and handed them menus.

"Anywhere that's open." The bar was pretty full, and Lelouch hesitated a moment before leading Suzaku to the most out of the way table in the back corner. They took off their winter coats, unwound their scarves from their necks and sat down facing each other.

"This place is really nice," said Suzaku, his green eyes lit up by the sputtering candle on the table between them.

"I'm glad you think so," replied Lelouch, before adding with a smirk, "it's ideal if you like wine but hate wine snobs." Suzaku laughed appreciatively, and Lelouch's eyes darted to his hands folded on the table. He wasn't wearing a wedding ring…

"Any thoughts on what you'd like?" the bartender asked, approaching with glasses of water.

"Oh, sorry-" Lelouch opened the menu. "Do you want to just get a bottle of something?"

"Sure," replied Suzaku. "Get what you think is best, I trust your judgment." Lelouch raised his eyebrows, and Suzaku bit down on the inside of his lip, and for a moment it was as if they were teenagers again, making wordless commentary at a party or across his father's dinner table. Lelouch ordered the same red wine he always did, and the bartender took their menus and disappeared. Lelouch watched her go, then returned his gaze to Suzaku, debating how to proceed. Suzaku sat up a little straighter, wondering what was coming.

"Remember when we stole your dad's whiskey and went to that festival wasted?" Suzaku burst out laughing. He hadn't expected that, but obviously he remembered! Though he hadn't thought about it in a long time. He flushed and rubbed the back of his head.

"Oh god, of course!" He could recall exactly the summer air, the humming of cicadas, the distant booming and crackling of fireworks, the soft cotton yukata against his skin and the heat of the alcohol in his belly. He could also remember Lelouch laughing in a way he rarely did as they explored the stalls, tried to catch flowing somen noodles with their slowed reflexes, wrote wishes on cards and hung them from trees, though he couldn't remember what he'd wished for now. "Of course," Suzaku said again, surprised that Lelouch had brought up the past so quickly and easily, even if it was nowhere near their falling out. He was both heartened and suspicious: was Lelouch doing this on purpose, or was it just innocuous reminiscence?

Fortunately, at that moment, their bartender reappeared. She set the two glasses on the table, uncorked the bottle and filled them.

"Thank you!"

"Cheers, guys!"

"Thank you…" Lelouch and Suzaku raised their glasses.

"Cheers!" They clinked their glasses together, then drank.

"This is nice," said Suzaku, appreciatively.

"Good," replied Lelouch, just as appreciatively.

"So-" they said at exactly the same time, then looked away from each other, laughing.

"You first," said Suzaku, drinking more wine. Lelouch's eyes darted to Suzaku's broad, though graceful, fingers gently cupping the wine glass, then to his other hand clenched on the table. There was definitely no ring.

"Tell me more about your job," said Lelouch, as smoothly as he could.

"Why, so I can't ask about yours?" countered Suzaku.

"You saw right through my ploy," sighed Lelouch in mock defeat, "but I also am genuinely curious." His eyes softened a little, and Suzaku was reminded again of the summer festival, when they'd snuck back into his father's house, still very drunk, trying to stay quiet while laughing about absolutely everything. They'd stumbled into Suzaku's room and collapsed onto his bed, lying side by side while the sounds of more fireworks echoed in the distance. "Suzaku?" Suzaku shook himself and drank more wine, caught between seventeen and twenty eight.

"Sorry, I got distracted for a second." Lelouch tilted his head to the side, his expression still the same. "Well you already know ASEEC is all about sustainability and environmentally sound buildings," said Suzaku, half authoritative, half sarcastic. Lelouch smiled, and they were back to the present. "My boss has this grand plan of making buildings generate their own electricity, but that's still far off."

"ConEd will hate that," Lelouch replied, with relish, picking up his wine glass and taking another sip. His eyes momentarily flashed red as they reflected the drink.

"Still fighting the system?" Suzaku asked, affection swelling in his chest.

"Always," replied Lelouch, with grandiosity. "But seriously, tell me more." Suzaku shook his head, then explained that he'd gotten the job at ASEEC because they'd needed civil engineers, and though it was completely different from what he'd done before, he'd already learned so much in his first four days. Lelouch listened with rapt attention, nodding and sipping wine and asking questions. It was fascinating, but he also wondered if Suzaku was feeling the same as he was, that this all seemed too easy.

"So these six months should be interesting, I'm feeling really good about it," said Suzaku, which was true, he realized.

"Your contract's up in six months?" Suzaku's eyes widened.

"Yes, I'm not sure what will happen after that, but-"

The overhead lights suddenly dimmed, making the fairy lights and candles on all the tables glow brighter. Lelouch and Suzaku started, then laughed and drained their glasses.

"Here-"

"Let me-"

They both reached for the bottle, but withdrew before they'd even touched it. "Sorry," they said together, then looked at each other for a few candle lit seconds before Suzaku refilled their glasses and Lelouch just curled his fingers into his palm. Suzaku only being in New York for six months was probably for the best, anyway.

"Enough about me," said Suzaku, setting the bottle down and picking up his glass. "It's over drinks, tell me about your job." Lelouch bit down on the inside of his lip, Suzaku's demanding tone deeply familiar, and took a long sip of wine.

"All right, all right." He straightened up and stared Suzaku hard in the face, looking exactly like his younger self preparing for a fight. "What do you want to know?" Suzaku faltered. The first question that occurred to him was "why?" but he thought that would sound too rude, so instead he asked,

"You told me before that you perform, what exactly…?"

"Does that mean?" Suzaku nodded. Lelouch extracted his phone from his pocket and opened Instagram to his work account, BlackRebellionNYC. "Here," he said, and Suzaku leaned in closer, then gasped. The first image was Lelouch on a stage flooded with blue and red light, dressed all in black with a mask covering his nose and mouth, his arms held wide. A young man and woman sat before him on their knees, bundles of rope in their proffered hands. The caption below read, "Zero, infinity's twin." "This was at Drom back in December," Lelouch explained, trying to ignore the rush Suzaku's gasp had given him. He'd be lying if he said he didn't like to shock, and it had been a long time since what he did had genuinely shocked anyone. And it was Suzaku. "There's also," he opened a photo of a much smaller venue, all black and purple and candle light. The same young man was on his knees, which were spread apart and secured with rope to a metal bar, while his arms were tied behind him in intricate knots all the way to his shoulders. Lelouch stood behind him, again dressed in black and masked, holding the ends of the ropes, while a woman with bright pink hair and fierce eyes stood in front of him, pressing the toe of her boot against his bare chest.

Suzaku shivered and actually grabbed Lelouch's wrist to bring the phone closer. He was entranced by the image, and then even more so by the next one: the same young man on his front, his arms and legs tied together behind him, his mouth wide open as another woman with long green hair pressed a glowstick against his tongue. Suzaku let go of Lelouch's wrist and took a hasty sip of wine, his heart beating uncomfortably fast all of a sudden.

"Are you okay?" Lelouch asked, setting his phone down on the table and gently rubbing his wrist.

"I'm fine!" Suzaku assured him, hoping his voice didn't sound as high pitched as he'd heard it. "I just, it's a lot to take in, that's all." At least he could reasonably blame his blush on the alcohol.

"Is it?" Lelouch asked, unsure what he meant but desperate to know.

"I just, never could have imagined you doing something like this," said Suzaku, after a moment, his expression suddenly troubled.

"Does it concern you?" asked Lelouch, tilting his head to the side.

"It does," replied Suzaku, without hesitation. He flushed deeper and seized his wine glass. Lelouch, however, started to laugh. "What? I'm serious!"

"I know you are," replied Lelouch at once, his eyes widening, "I'm not laughing at you, it's just," he paused, and his expression softened into a smile, "you used to say the same thing about me gambling."

"Oh," replied Suzaku, rather lamely, but then he smiled too. "Yeah, before you pulled me into it. Do you still play chess with those guys in Tompkins Square Park?"

"Nah fuck that," replied Lelouch, with a disdainful swig of wine. "Everyone wants to hustle people over chess now, it's not fun anymore."

"Oh obviously," teased Suzaku, and warmth spread in Lelouch's chest.

"I still play them for fun though." Suzaku laughed, though Lelouch could tell he was not to be distracted. "If you're really worried, which you shouldn't be, my job is kind of like that too." Suzaku stopped laughing at once.

"What do you mean?" He leaned in closer, the candlelight dancing in his green eyes. Lelouch took another sip of wine before replying.

"I'm not working out of some seedy sex club on Twelfth Avenue or something. These days kink is pretty mainstream, so we host events in legit venues and I usually work out of my Dungeon or client's apartments. Like, the day after tomorrow we're performing at House of Yes in Brooklyn, which is a nice place even though they like to pretend it isn't. It kind of takes the magic out of it, but…" He shrugged.

"Right," replied Suzaku, thinking privately that Lelouch had always had a gift for straddling the high life and gutter, though as he'd rightly pointed out, it was hardly the gutter. Not that Suzaku would know; he'd never been interested in porn like this, much less sought it out in real life. He wondered, suddenly, if this was one of the things Euphy had felt she'd missed. Feeling rather hot around the collar, he shook his head and drank more wine.

"Suzaku?"

"I'm fine, sorry," he said, forcing it to be true. A moment's silence passed as he tried to figure out the best way to phrase the question he really wanted to know. "How did you start doing this?" he tried. "Does it, I mean-" but he broke off, blushing.

"Do I get off on my job?" Lelouch asked the question for him. "No." He'd meant it as a blunt statement of fact, because that was all it was, but saying it to Suzaku felt like an admission. He blushed and topped off their wine glasses.

"No?" Suzaku asked, surprised.

"No," replied Lelouch, almost innocently.

"So then, how…?" Lelouch's eyes fell, his long lashes casting a shadow over his high, proud cheekbones. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

"No no, it's all right," Lelouch interrupted, and indeed, he had no problem talking about it, except that it could potentially force their falling out to the front of the conversation. He'd have to tread carefully. "It's just kind of a sad story." Suzaku's heart leapt into his throat, but he nodded, ready to listen, and Lelouch took a sip of wine. "During my freshman year at NYU-" Suzaku's heart throbbed against his Adam's apple. This was after they'd stopped speaking, and he knew a sudden thrill of excitement, followed by shame at the impulse. "Charles and I had a huge fight, like, worse than the others if you can imagine." Suzaku shuddered. He could imagine, he just didn't want to. Lelouch and his father had bickered constantly, and though Suzaku hadn't witnessed them really argue first hand because parents tended to behave better when they had company, he'd heard them scream at each other over phone calls, and Lelouch had come on Skype with bruises more than once. "To be honest, I don't remember what triggered it, but it was right after my nineteenth birthday, during Christmas break." Suzaku shuddered. They both knew that had been the last time Suzaku had wished Lelouch Happy Birthday. That might have been the last text he'd ever sent him. "My dear father swung at me, I fought back, and it got really bad really fast. Nunnally almost called the cops."

"Oh my god, Lelouch…" Suzaku could picture the situation clearly and it made his skin crawl. At least during his own blow up fight with his father, they hadn't put hands on each other.

"Yeah it was…" but Lelouch just drank his wine rather than try to describe it. "Anyway, after that I got disowned and cut off."

"What?!"

"Yeah." Lelouch crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair, his lip curling bitterly. "Full blown. Charles told me to pack my bags and get out that night. The next morning I got a call from a lawyer telling me I was being disinherited, my college was no longer paid for, all that. Then my phone got shut off."

"Oh my god," breathed Suzaku, his chest constricting and throat burning. "What did you do?"

"Went to CC's apartment. At the time we were just friends, but now she's my business partner. You saw her in the photos, with the green hair."

"Right…"

"I stayed with her over break and tried to get my shit together, but I was lucky." He sat up straight again, though his lip was still curling bitterly. "Before she died, my mom had set up trusts for both me and Nunnally that Charles didn't know about and couldn't touch."

"That's something!"

"Only I couldn't access it until I turned twenty five."

"I see…"

"I mean, it makes sense," Lelouch continued, "frontal lobe development and all, but I think it was stupidly optimistic of her to assume me and her husband's relationship would survive that long. Nunnally still speaks to him, but I just… fuck that. I changed my last name, too. I didn't need any extended family looking for me. I'm Lelouch Lamperouge, now." Suzaku nodded, his heart aching. So even if he had come to New York looking for him, he wouldn't have been able to find him.

"Then what happened?" Lelouch heaved a heavy sigh and emptied the bottle of wine between their glasses.

"I had to drop out of school, there was no point if I wasn't getting a free ride." He still hadn't found a way to say that without sounding entitled, even though he knew exactly how lucky he was to be able to make such a statement. However, the words hit Suzaku hard in the chest and his stomach squirmed guiltily as he thought,

'Would you have stayed in school if I'd been there like we'd talked about?' However, he reminded himself that Lelouch hadn't even really wanted to go to school in the first place.

"But it's not about just getting good grades for the sake of it, you learn stuff you can use in the real world!" Suzaku had protested, when Lelouch had confided this to him. They were sitting across from each other on Suzaku's bed the same summer they'd gone to the festival, a chessboard between them, while rain pounded outside the windows.

"So? There's nothing I want to study."

"You're always studying, though, I feel like," said Suzaku, taking one of Lelouch's pawns with his rook.

"The fuck are you talking about?" Lelouch asked, narrowing his eyes at the board.

"Not like, for school," Suzaku continued, while Lelouch moved his bishop one space up, "but you're always observing and thinking about what you see." Suzaku took the bishop with one of his knights. "Especially other people."

"How astute of you," replied Lelouch, sarcastically, though he went slightly pink and chose his next move at random. Suzaku's heart swelled and he pushed his queen forward one space with the tip of his index finger.

"Check."

"Suzaku?"

"Sorry, I was just thinking… Never mind." He drank more wine. "So you got disowned, and then had to pay rent…"

"Exactly," replied Lelouch, grateful he understood. "CC was already working as a professional dominatrix, so she taught me shibari and brought me on at this club she worked at in midtown. We've expanded since then, though, and now we work for ourselves."

"Right," replied Suzaku, suddenly curious about Lelouch's business partner, if that was all they were, and that other woman in the photos with the red hair and fierce eyes. His stomach twisted. "Lelouch?"

"Mm?"

Suzaku wanted to ask, demand, "Why didn't you call me?!" They'd been best friends, after all! Well, no, at that point they'd stopped speaking, but still… As if intuiting this, Lelouch reminded him, gently,

"There wasn't anything you could have done from the literal other side of the world." Suzaku's eyes flashed.

"I know, but-"

"It's fine," said Lelouch, firmly, putting an end to the conversation, and they drained their glasses and asked for the check. "Are you just going home?" asked Lelouch, leaving a generous cash tip before getting to his feet and pulling his coat and scarf back on.

"Yes, I've got work in the morning," replied Suzaku, following suit.

"Always so responsible," teased Lelouch.

"Someone has to be," Suzaku reminded him, and they smiled at each other and headed out through the now very crowded bar.

"What train do you need?" asked Lelouch, once they were back outside.

"The 6."

"I'll walk you over there." Suzaku's heart skipped.

"It's not out of your way, is it?" Lelouch smiled that mischievous smile Suzaku knew so well, and his heart skipped again.

"It's pretty out of my way, but I don't mind." Suzaku laughed, and they set off together towards Second Avenue, the effect of the alcohol still intensifying. Lelouch recalled stumbling home together the night of the summer festival, still very drunk and trying and failing to be quiet. They'd fallen into Suzaku's bed, still in their yukata, Suzaku splayed out on his back, mouth slightly open and eyes closed contentedly. Lelouch lay on his side, facing him, and when he moved in closer, Suzaku turned towards him, though his eyes were still closed.

"Lelouch?" asked Suzaku, in the present, stuck at a red light on Second Avenue in winter coats.

"What? Sorry." Suzaku swallowed, not really sure what he wanted to say, except,

"I'm really glad I ran into you." He hadn't bothered doing up his coat because of how warm he felt, and he pulled his scarf away from his flushed neck. "I didn't think we'd-"

"Yeah," interrupted Lelouch, and though he was smiling, and it had been a good night, the questions they hadn't asked and wanted answered were in front of them like a mirage.

"I hope we can keep seeing each other," Suzaku continued as they crossed the street, ducking under a low hanging sign stuck to some scaffolding.

"Me too," said Lelouch, his heart beating uncomfortably hard against his ribs in simultaneous gratitude and anxiety.

They turned diagonally to walk further West along Stuyvesant Street, swerving around a crowd of people smoking outside an NYU building. Suzaku eyed the purple banner and knew a pang of… was it regret? He'd never regretted not attending NYU as Cooper Union had been his first choice, though he'd obviously ended up at Tokyo U instead. Lelouch had attended NYU though, until of course he'd been forced to leave. Would things have gone differently if he'd stuck to their plan and come here? If he hadn't met Euphy?

They arrived at the 6 train station at Astor Place, where people were milling about, delivery drivers were sitting beside their decked out mopeds and a group of high school students were struggling to push The Cube. "Remember when you got The Cube to spin by yourself?" asked Lelouch, nodding at it.

"Of course," replied Suzaku, fondly. "I don't know if I could these days, but," his eyes flashed, and though he was suddenly tempted to find out, he shelved the impulse for now.

"Try it next time," said Lelouch, his lip twitching.

"When?" asked Suzaku at once, suddenly serious. Lelouch swallowed.

"Next week, after my performance is over." Behind them, the high school students had gotten The Cube to spin, and they, along with a few onlookers, were cheering at their victory.

"Okay, text me."

"I will." They looked at each other, hesitated for a moment, then hugged each other goodbye. They both closed their eyes as, even after all these years and under all these winter layers, it felt just like their last goodbye, clinging to each other in Tokyo Narita, hiding tears in each other's hair.

"I'll see you soon," Suzaku promised, in the present and in the past.

"Good," said Lelouch. They broke apart and stared at each other for a long moment.

"Text me," said Suzaku again.

"You text me!" Lelouch shot back in mock outrage. They exchanged one last laugh, then Suzaku disappeared into the subway station. Lelouch gave it a moment, then put on his headphones and headed Southeast towards his apartment. He could have taken the train from here and saved himself some walking, but the night air felt good on his flushed face, and it would give him time to think in case CC was home when he arrived.

He took a breath in, trying to disentangle his thoughts and his feelings. He mostly felt relieved, both that it had all gone well and that they hadn't talked about what had happened between them. Of course, if they kept hanging out, it would inevitably come up, but he'd obviously put it off until he knew how he'd handle it when it did.

Lelouch crossed Houston Street and turned left, suddenly feeling shivery. He paused to do up his coat, suspecting it was more to do with talking about his father than the air temperature. It had always been like that. He could still remember how much his hands would shake when he'd frantically call Suzaku on Skype after fights.

"Whoa, breathe," Suzaku had told him, they must have been fourteen or fifteen. There was a slight lag in the video, but seeing Suzaku was still profoundly comforting. Indeed, Suzaku was probably the only person he'd been able to draw real comfort from at that time. "Nakanaide…"

Lelouch still heard a lot of Japanese, watching anime and living in New York and being so close to Kallen, though he could only still really speak it in his dreams. However, he'd never forget "don't cry," because it was one of his and Suzaku's code words. He'd said it on the night of the summer festival, too, splayed out on his back while Lelouch lay facing him.

"Nakanaide," Suzaku breathed.

"I'm not crying," Lelouch breathed back, stifling a laugh.

"So desu ka…" Suzaku rolled over onto his side, his lips parted in a soft smile though his eyes were still closed.

Lelouch found himself back at Delancey Street with no memory of having gotten there. He shook himself, crossed the street and entered his building.

His apartment was thankfully empty and dark, illuminated only by the city lights outside. He stepped out of his shoes and texted Suzaku,

Home!

then, without turning on any of the lights, went right to his room to get ready for bed.

Suzaku got Lelouch's text a block away from his apartment. He smiled at the message, and was about to reply when he was distracted by a text from Euphy.

Are you still out with Lelouch?

Suzaku paused on his corner, staring hard at the message. He felt immediately suspicious, or maybe her message was suspicious? Then frustrated, because why was she suspicious? Then even more frustrated as it occurred to him that Lelouch hadn't asked about Euphy once. Not once! Though this wasn't new, he'd always been cold about her.

He remembered being on Skype with Lelouch sometime in the fall of their last year of high school, after the summer festival. He'd wanted to tell Lelouch, but was nervous, as he'd been nervous to tell everyone, but somehow this was way, way worse.

"What's that face for?" Lelouch asked, smiling at him from his dark bedroom.

"I… Don't laugh, okay?"

"I won't!"

"I don't believe you…"

"Well that sucks," replied Lelouch, though his smile softened in the glow of the computer screen. Suzaku swallowed and cast an anxious look around his own bedroom, full of sunlight and morning sounds.

"I, um, I met someone I really like," he said in a rush, staring almost challengingly at Lelouch, who looked stunned.

"Who is it?" he asked, eventually and rather incredulously, Suzaku thought. However, he pressed on as though Lelouch's tone had been simply curious.

"This girl at school, Euphy. She's new this year and we're going out on Saturday." Lelouch said nothing. "What's wrong?" Suzaku asked, leaning closer to the computer screen.

"Nothing's wrong!" replied Lelouch at once, forcing a smile. "That's really exciting!"

"Yeah," agreed Suzaku.

"I told you I wouldn't laugh."

The light changed and Suzaku crossed the street, ignoring both texts as he pulled himself out of the memory, allowing the feelings to settle. He didn't want to be frustrated or angry at either Euphy or Lelouch, not when she was so far away and he was finally close again.

Suzaku unlocked the front door of his building and climbed the stairs to the sixth floor. His small, one bedroom apartment was dark, and the old radiator clanged and banged as it pumped out way more heat than was necessary. He stepped out of his shoes, turned on all the lights and crossed his living room to open the windows. He stepped back, a soft breeze rustling the curtains, and answered Euphy,

I just got home

and Lelouch,

Me too, have a good night!

Chapter Text

House of Yes, a converted warehouse in Bushwick styling itself somewhere between 19th century burlesque and 20th century porn theater, already had a line out the door when Lelouch arrived for his call on Saturday night. He took the long way around the building to avoid the crowds of shivering people and paused outside the graffitied stage door to check his phone, the smells from all the food trucks lined up down the block wafting over on the frozen air. There was nothing from Kallen, who he'd been texting throughout the day, but,

are you on stage yet?

from Suzaku. Lelouch's stomach twisted, but he couldn't help but smile.

not yet

I'm just getting to the venue now

He punched in the code on the handle of the stage door, which flashed green and unlocked, then pulled it open and entered a long black hallway, lit only by the large red exit sign behind him. In the distance, he could hear the music blaring, bass thumping and DJ hyping up the cheering crowd. Halfway down the hallway, he opened another scratched and graffitied door to the dressing room and blinked in the sudden glow of rows of lighted mirrors.

"There you are," said CC, sitting cross legged at a table in the opposite corner, a pizza box open in front of her.

"Here I am," agreed Lelouch, shutting the door behind him. "Where's everyone else?"

"The models are setting up, and I expect Kallen's on her way." Lelouch bit his lip as he crossed the room to set his bag down in front of one of the lighted mirrors, then took off his winter coat, scarf and headphones. He could feel CC's eyes on him and turned away to check his phone again.

have a good show!

Again, Lelouch couldn't help but smile.

"Have some," said CC. Lelouch looked at her over his shoulder and she slid the pizza box towards him.

"Give me one second," he told her, and replied to Suzaku.

Thank you!

Suzaku smiled at the message, but then his expression hardened resentfully as he set his phone on the couch beside him and returned his gaze to his laptop open on his knees. After coming home from the gym and finishing dinner, he'd intended to get ahead on work for the week, but instead had spent the evening scrolling endlessly through old photos on Facebook and Instagram, wondering what Lelouch was up to and trying not to think about one of Euphy's coworkers asking her out.

It had happened yesterday, and she'd told him straight away as per their agreement. "While we're separated, we can date other people, we just need to tell each other." Suzaku had had no intention of taking her up on this, and wondered if she'd only agreed because he'd gone for drinks with Lelouch, even though that made no sense.

Another wave of bitterness like those he'd been feeling all day rose up inside him, and, unable to stand it, he got to his feet, strode to his kitchen and took the bottle of whiskey Lloyd had given him Friday afternoon out of the freezer. He wasn't usually one to drink alone, but if it staved off the painful, bitter feelings…

He poured the liquor into a glass of ice and took a sip, appreciating his boss's taste, then carried it back to his couch, sat down and picked up his phone again. He opened Lelouch's work Instagram, which he hadn't followed but had scrolled through endlessly since he'd shown it to him, and viewed their new story. It showed a cheering crowd and flashing lights with "LIVESTREAM UP IN ONE HOUR! HOUSEOFYES" written across it. Suzaku's eyes widened. If Lelouch and his… colleagues? were livestreaming the event, watching it would probably be a better use of his time than looking at old photos, right?

Lelouch picked up a slice of pizza and took a bite, then realized he wasn't actually hungry for it. He swallowed and placed it back on the greasy paper plate in front of his mirror, beside all the tools he needed to turn himself into Zero, his work persona. "Lelouch, are you okay?" CC asked, leaning closer to the mirror beside his to put on eyeliner.

"I'm fine, just worried about Kallen."

"You weren't texting her just now?" CC blinked a few times, then set to work on her other eye.

"No," replied Lelouch, annoyed. He picked up his pizza and took another determined bite, but it was like chewing cardboard. CC turned to look at him properly, eyeliner still in her hand. Lelouch met her gaze, but before either of them could say anything, the door banged open and smacked hard against the wall behind it, revealing Kallen, out of breath and red in the face.

"Sorry!" she exploded. "The fucking train got delayed because someone was sick and we got stuck in the fucking tunnel and I had no service!" She slammed the door, stormed across the room and seized a slice of pizza. Lelouch and CC said nothing, waiting for her blood pressure to return to normal before speaking. "Sorry, this is free game, right?"

"Of course," CC replied, picking up her eyeshadow palette.

"Thanks." Kallen ate the entire slice in four bites, then addressed Lelouch. "Sorry I didn't get back to you, I-"

"It's okay," he replied at once. "How'd everything go today?"

"Fucking terrible," replied Kallen, in a constricted voice. She cleared her throat. "My mom's okay while she's still allowed pain medicine, but when I called my dad-" she broke off and cleared her throat again, and Lelouch knew a profound rush of solidarity.

"I'm sorry," he told her, sincerely. Kallen's expression tightened, but she nodded appreciatively.

"I can't talk about it right now, let's just get on stage." Lelouch and CC exchanged a look, then returned to getting ready.

After a few minutes, there was a knock on the door, and CC called, "Come in!" Their models entered the room, followed by Diethard, House of Yes's social media producer.

"Nice to see you all again," he said, extending his hand to Lelouch, Kallen and CC in turn. Lelouch snapped into work mode and asked in a low, commanding voice,

"You too. How's your day job?" Diethard was a reporter for the New York Times and moonlighted at places like this for the thrill rather than the extra money. Not that Lelouch judged him, it was just funny.

"Fantastic," he sighed, sarcastically, before continuing in a more businesslike tone, "Do you want to livestream the whole show, or?"

"No," said CC at once, "just give Instagram enough of a tease so they'll actually pay to come see us next time."

"Of course. I'll take some still images too?"

"That would be great."

"Excellent, I'll see you out there." He backed out of the room, and the moment the door shut behind him Kallen rolled her eyes.

"I know," pacified CC.

"Can I have some of that pizza?" asked their male model.

"Only before you get into costume," snapped Kallen. The model blushed, but nodded.

Forty five minutes later, everyone was ready: Kallen in a black bustier, red shorts and knee high Dr. Martens, CC in a corset, mini skirt and shiny thigh high Louboutin boots with six inch heels, Lelouch in tight black dress pants, a black sleeveless shirt, boots and red contacts. He pulled a black mask over his nose and mouth, then turned imperiously to Kallen and CC.

"You look nice," he said in his work tone. CC tossed her hair and Kallen replied,

"So do you." Her rage and frustration had cooled to a simmer, but nonetheless still permeated the room. She looked Lelouch up and down a few times before turning to their models, all dressed in black athletic shorts, the blonde model in a sports bra, the dark haired model in a tank top and the male model shirtless. "And so do you three."

"Thanks!"

"You think so?"

"Don't start!"

Kallen and CC laughed while Lelouch checked his reflection one last time, red eyes penetrating against his pale skin, black hair and mask, then took a deep breath in and sighed it out before addressing the models too.

"Are you three ready?"

"Yes!"

"Always."

"It's all good."

"Very good," said Lelouch, simply. He extracted a length of red rope from his bag and unwound it, found its bite and tied a loop, appreciating the feel of it sliding against his palms. "Come here." Their male model stepped forward, his pretty green eyes suddenly blazing, and Lelouch slipped the loop over his head. "Color?"

"Green," he replied, goosebumps erupting up his arms.

"Good." They'd had the consent and safe word conversation countless times before, but still, checking in was vital. "Hold that in place for me." The model pressed the rope against his clavicles, the knot Lelouch had tied sitting at his breastbone and tail falling all the way to the floor. Lelouch picked it up and tied another knot level with his solar plexus, then just above his belly button, then at his pubic bone. "Color?"

"Green." Lelouch smiled approvingly behind his mask.

"Spread your legs." The model did so, his eyes falling closed, and Lelouch split the rope and drew it through his thighs before turning him around. He then threaded the rope through the loop draped over his shoulders, split it again and turned the model back around. "Let go." Once the model's hands were out of the way, Lelouch brought the ropes through the loop and secured them above the knot at his breastbone. "Good." He threaded the ropes around the model's back again, then in between the first and second knots on his chest, pulling the rope between them into a diamond shape. He repeated the move all the way down, the ropes cinching tighter and tighter, until the perfect diamond harness was complete. Lelouch tied off the excess rope, then placed his fingertips under the model's chin. He opened his eyes, looking present but rather dreamy. "Color?"

"Green…"

Lelouch turned to Kallen and CC, who smiled approvingly. He tied different harnesses around the other models' chests, then hips, carefully, delicately, until, "Everyone good?"

"Yes!"

"Good show, everybody."

Lelouch, Kallen and CC led their models out of the dressing room and down the dark red hallway, the noise of the crowd growing louder and louder until they could hear the DJ clearly from their spot in the wings.

"All right, freaky people! Who's ready for some fun?!" The crowd cheered and screamed and applauded while a psychedelic synth riff rang out through the room. "Good, because we've got Black Rebellion Bondage in the building, let's GO!" More cheering as the music picked up, and Lelouch took hold of the back of the male model's harness and walked him on stage. The flashing blue and red lights, trippy music and even louder applause hit them like a tidal wave, and Lelouch, or really, Zero, smirked behind his mask and indulged his audience with a royal wave.

The stage was T-shaped, the stem extending out into the audience, and a tripod suspension frame stood at the end, surrounded by more bundles of rope and a few of Kallen's floggers. He paraded the model all the way down, then forced him to his knees underneath it. He gasped and obediently held out his hands as though begging, and Lelouch placed another folded length of rope into them, his eyes flashing.

Suzaku was on his second drink when the livestream started. He tapped the story icon and his eyes widened as he took in the scene. He had a clear view of the crowd, the stage and of course, Lelouch, beneath a metal tripod frame with a young man on his knees wrapped up in intricately tied rope. Suzaku took a sip of his drink and stared hard at his phone, watching Lelouch tie the man's arms behind his back, loop the loose rope through the apex of the tripod and pull, causing him to rise to his feet, but bent over. Suzaku gasped, taken aback by Lelouch's strength, by his arm muscles in the sleeveless shirt he was wearing.

Once the young man was secure, Lelouch picked up a metal bar from beside the frame and secured it to his ankles with more rope before stepping away, allowing who Suzaku recognized as CC, his business partner, to move forward, leading another woman with blonde hair and ropes tied elaborately around her shoulders and hips. She got on her knees in front of the young man while Lelouch's other colleague, the pretty woman with bright pink hair, picked up a, Suzaku didn't know the correct vocabulary but he'd call it a whip, and snapped it to cheers and applause from the crowd. She smiled at them, then right into the camera, making Suzaku shudder, and got into position behind the young man as the blonde woman took hold of his face and rested her forehead against his. Suzaku's heart skipped. The woman with pink hair gently caressed the young man's thighs with the whip, drew her arm back and struck him with it.

The resounding snap and the young man's moan were audible over the crowd and the music, and Suzaku shuddered again, his eyes darting to Lelouch, standing to the side of the tripod with his arms folded. He'd told Suzaku he didn't get off on this at all, but his expression…

His colleague drew her whip back, then struck the young man with it again and again, and whoever was filming zoomed in on his face, on his expression of pure ecstasy as he moaned and cried out-

The livestream cut off abruptly, leaving Suzaku with an uncomfortable heat in his belly, though that was probably just from the alcohol.

Kallen lashed at the model's ass and thighs long enough to impress the crowd, then, at her sign, the blonde model kissed him on the forehead and held him steady while Lelouch and CC untied him and helped him to his feet, supporting him while he got his wits about him. "You did amazingly," breathed CC, and Lelouch added,

"Beautifully." The model swallowed, then smiled at both of them, and they stepped away, allowing Kallen to take him by the hand and walk him to the front of the stage. The crowd roared its approval, and he turned around to show off the impressive welts on the backs of his thighs, then faced them and bowed. Yet more applause and screaming, and Lelouch felt his heart swell with pride. He then took their model by the back of his diamond harness and walked him upstage so he could cool off, waving and making eyes at everyone looking their way.

Downstage center, Kallen brought their dark haired model forward, and she and CC took their time securing her to the suspension frame so her arms and legs were spread wide open.

"You okay?" Lelouch asked their male model, once they were safely backstage.

"I'm good," he replied at once, and though he still sounded dreamy, Lelouch could feel him coming down.

"Will you be all right by yourself?"

"I think so."

"If you need me-"

"I'll tell someone."

Lelouch nodded and returned to his show with a rush. He liked performing. He liked how present he felt, how clear his mind was, how he could move and touch and feel and act without thinking because everything had been calculated and rehearsed to perfection. Downstage, Kallen took her time in choosing a different flogger so that Diethard could take pictures, then wrapped her hand around their dark haired model's neck.

"Ready?" she breathed, right in her ear.

"Yes!" Kallen let go, got into position behind her and struck.

Lelouch felt every lash on the young woman's back, but didn't let it show in his expression. He didn't do impact play with his clients, despite many of them asking, but watching Kallen was always mesmerizing. The young woman moaned and her toes curled against the floor as Kallen delivered blow after snap after crack, then a flurry of quick strikes for the finale, her wrist making a graceful figure eight, before she drew back and delivered one last hard crack of the whip that made her model scream loudly over the music. The crowd went insane, cheering and applauding and jumping up and down or kissing the person next to them. Lelouch looked down at a couple right beside the stage and gave them a knowing smile behind his mask, which they returned, before he went to help CC and Kallen untie their model.

Again, they supported her and made sure she was steady on her feet. "You did well," Kallen told her, gently taking her face in her hands and rubbing her thumbs under her eyes. She nodded, and they moved out of her way so she could take her bow. The crowd screamed and those people closest to the stage reached for her, but she just turned and pulled up her shirt to show off her own set of welts.

"Oh fuck," Lelouch heard someone moan. He laughed, though no one heard him except Kallen, who seized the front of his shirt, yanked him forward and stared him hard in the face, her blue eyes blazing. Lelouch didn't resist her, and they held each other's gaze a moment longer before she let him go and went to collect their model. Lelouch applauded them with everyone else as they made their way back upstage, then approached CC to help her with the final act of their show.

Suzaku was on his third drink and Googling "shibari" in an incognito window when his phone lit up again, telling him House of Yes had started another live video. Suzaku seized it at once and opened Instagram.

His eyes widened as he saw the blonde woman in the center of the tripod, ropes tied around her hips, shoulders and arms. Lelouch and the pink haired woman were watching CC secure ropes in the apex of the metal frame. She then stepped back and pulled, lifting the young woman up by her chest and hips. The crowd cheered and a flurry of hearts flew up the side of the screen. Suzaku gasped softly as Lelouch and his colleague tied gentle knots around her ankles, then pulled her into elegant, balletic shapes.

Suzaku watched, mesmerized, and though her body looked beautiful, he was focused on her face, or what he could see of it, on her eyes softly closed and her gentle smile as though she were having a good dream, her blonde hair falling gracefully behind her. He then watched Lelouch place his hands on her upper back as CC released the rope supporting her chest. They stepped away, and the young woman fell back to hang upside down in a center split. The crowd roared its approval, and Lelouch and his colleagues stepped behind the frame to give everyone a better view. Suzaku, however, fixed his gaze upon Lelouch. He looked completely satisfied, but it wasn't the hard, vengeful expression Suzaku remembered from him winning a chess match or an argument. It was soft, clear, proud. Suzaku's heart squeezed hard in his chest and he finished his drink in one fierce swallow.

Lelouch and his colleagues left the young woman hanging a moment longer to really drive the point home, then converged on her. Together, they lifted her back up, and Lelouch stroked her hair tenderly until she was upright and cradled in the ropes. Suzaku's heart gave another squeeze as his colleague with pink hair seized him by the front of his shirt and yanked him forward. Suzaku's eyes widened, but they just stared at each other for an intense moment before she released him, making a knowing gesture at someone in the audience.

Suddenly, Suzaku wished more than anything he was there, immersed in the crowd and feeling all the energy and emotions. Of course, he doubted he'd fit in despite Lelouch's assertion that this place was nice, really, but at the same time he was sure it'd be okay if he were with Lelouch. Everything had seemed more navigable with Lelouch by his side, it was a huge part of why it had hurt so much to lose him, why he'd grieved the loss for as long as he did, why he'd wanted him as best man when he'd married Euphy.

Lelouch and his colleagues helped the young woman out of the ropes and back to her feet, then she fell into his arms. He held her steady, and though his back was to the camera, Suzaku could see the young woman's now unbound hands gripping the back of his shirt. He wondered if he was speaking to her, and if so what he was saying, and his heart squeezed hard in his chest as he knew another powerful wish to be there in person. It had been a long time since he'd been held that way. Even his and Euphy's last hug at Tokyo Narita hadn't been like that. The closest he'd felt recently was saying goodbye to Lelouch on Thursday night.

Suzaku's heart was now pounding in his chest and he felt again that uncomfortable heat in his belly as the blonde woman finally let go of Lelouch and walked downstage. The crowd was screaming, and she was smiling a dreamy, exultant smile as she bowed, then blew kisses to the audience. However, Suzaku was still watching Lelouch, wearing that same proud, satisfied expression.

CC stepped forward to help the young woman backstage, and the video cut off again. "What?" Suzaku cried, staring imploringly at his phone. However, a notification of another live video appeared almost at once. The music had paused, but the noise of the crowd was deafening as Lelouch took his colleagues by the hand and they bowed together, then individually. Lelouch went first, then held his arms wide, his expression exhilarated. Suzaku's lip twitched. Lelouch had always loved an audience, and even behind the mask and color contacts, Suzaku felt his friend's pleasure and pride.

Lelouch stepped back, applauding with the crowd as the pink haired woman bowed, then threw horns, and CC inclined her head gracefully and blew kisses at the crowd. Then the young people they'd tied up came back on stage to even more applause. They bowed together, then individually, before all six performers held hands for one last bow as a group. The crowd was still screaming, but then the music came back on and they all headed back upstage, Lelouch and his pink haired colleague with their arms around each other. The heat in Suzaku's belly felt suddenly corrosive, but then the video ended for what was probably the last time, leaving him staring at would-be static. He closed his eyes and leaned back against his couch, his hand falling limply to his side.

Images of the performance flashed across his closed eyes, and again he imagined being there in person, feeling the energy, hearing the music, watching his best friend tie people up in intricate patterns, then hold them close afterwards. He wondered how it'd feel to have the ropes pressed against his skin, to be lifted off his feet, to have Lelouch look at him with such pride-

Suzaku shuddered and opened his eyes, feeling suddenly way drunker than he remembered, the heat in his belly simmering insistently. He got to his feet, swaying a little as he made his way to the kitchen. He took a clean glass from his cabinet, filled it with water from the sink and drank half of it in one gulp, and though he felt calmer almost at once, questions rather than images were now swirling in his head. He wanted more than anything to ask Lelouch all of them, but he shouldn't bother him now, right? Suzaku took another sip of water, his heart beating against his ribs. He supposed he could at least tell him he'd done a good job and that he'd enjoyed the performance. He wouldn't have to respond right away if he was busy.

Suzaku carried his water back to the living room and texted Lelouch,

saw the livestream

you guys were amazing!

There was also a text from Euphy, but he ignored it.

Back in the dressing room, Lelouch yanked off his mask and took deep breaths, his hands shaking slightly with post show adrenaline. CC was talking to the models about striking the set as they redressed in street clothes, while Kallen chugged a water bottle, flushed but looking more relaxed than she had done all week.

"You okay?" Lelouch asked her. She nodded, swallowed the last of her water and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.

"Yeah," she replied in a heavy sigh. "Yeah I'm fine." She shook her head. "Are you sticking around, or?"

"I'm not sure. CC!" She looked up.

"What?"

"What's the plan now?" She tilted her head to the side.

"I'm gonna go talk to the audience and take information and it'd be nice to have you with me." Lelouch rolled his eyes, but nodded. CC smiled approvingly, then addressed Kallen. "If you're tired, you should just head home, we'll be fine."

"Do I look that tired?" Kallen demanded.

"With all due respect, yes." Everyone stifled snorts of laughter, but then Kallen rolled her eyes and laughed too.

"Yeah I'm tired as shit, but are you guys sure you'll be okay?"

"We got this," Lelouch assured her, and she nodded, then addressed the models.

"What are you three doing?"

"After we bring all the rope and stuff back here? We're gonna go show off!"

"Like, obviously."

"All right, all right…"

Lelouch picked up his phone under the chatter, his hands still shaky, and started at a text from Suzaku.

saw the livestream

you guys were amazing!

Jolted out of work mode, Lelouch's heart skipped and his eyes widened. How had he known about the livestream? He was sure he hadn't followed his work account, but… Amazing how? What did this mean?!

Suzaku's phone buzzed on the couch beside him and he seized it at once.

Thank you!

I didn't know you were interested in seeing it

Suzaku's face burned.

I didn't either but here we are!

He hesitated, then added,

are you on your way home now?

"Stay safe, okay?" Kallen told their models.

"We will!" Kallen nodded again, then hugged them, and they left the dressing room. She sighed, then hugged CC goodbye while Lelouch replied to Suzaku.

no unfortunately

I have to go shmooz

I'd rather swallow dry ice but that's the job

I'll text you in a bit

"Feel better."

"Thanks, I'll do my best," Kallen and CC let go of each other and Lelouch hurriedly shoved his phone into his pocket, forcing himself back to the present, back to work.

"Text me when you get home," he told Kallen, hugging her goodbye.

"Yeah yeah…" They broke apart and exchanged one last smile before Lelouch pulled his mask back over his nose and mouth and followed CC into the hallway.

Suzaku gave a snort of laughter at the first messages, but his heart skipped at,

I'll text you in a bit

He smiled, still feeling hot in his belly, though suddenly empty at the same time. His smile faded as he pulled his laptop close again and began scrolling through his shibari search results. It was mostly fetish websites and supply shops, then YouTube tutorials, people's Instagram, Reddit and FetLife accounts, but none of it was what he was looking for. He bit down on his lower lip, hesitated a moment, then eyed a PornHub link instead. His face burned as he felt like he was suddenly under someone's scrutiny, which was ridiculous, but… He clicked on the first link as bravely as he could.

He knew immediately that it wasn't what he wanted. The people in the video seemed thoroughly uninterested in what was happening, though this was a problem with porn generally in Suzaku's opinion. He clicked back and scrolled through more suggestions, but kept running into more of the same. Even the clearly homemade videos still seemed so staged, not like the genuine care and connection he'd seen between Lelouch and his colleagues and the people they'd tied up.

Suzaku closed his laptop, thinking it was unseemly to be doing this in his living room anyway, and set it on the coffee table. However, the heat in his belly was still simmering, and he shifted restlessly against the couch. The performance was stirring in a way he hadn't felt in a long time, or maybe ever. The closest thing it reminded him of was special moments with Euphy or reuniting with Lelouch after months apart. The simmering heat was in his chest now. He needed something, but he had no idea what.

With a frustrated sigh, Suzaku heaved himself off the couch, snatched up his phone and walked into his small, warmly lit bathroom. He set his phone on the edge of the sink, turned on the shower and began to undress, folding his clothes neatly with a sudden sense of ill usage. He remembered Lelouch's arm around that pretty woman's waist, the way she'd pulled him so commandingly close, his expression as he'd stroked the blonde woman's hair… Suzaku shook himself, wishing he hadn't drank so much and checked his phone one last time. Nothing from Lelouch, but he'd promised to text him later.

Suzaku stepped under the hot water, and as much as he'd hoped it would help him clear his head and cool the heat in his belly and chest, no such luck. He wasn't even sure what he was feeling beyond frustration, which only exacerbated it. If only he'd just gotten turned on as the performance had no doubt intended, that would be so much simpler, then he could-

At that thought, all the uncomfortable heat rushed lower, making him suddenly very hard. Suzaku blushed deeply, but, drunk and needing something, he leaned against the tile wall and took hold of his erection. He closed his eyes and pleased himself in quick, deliberate strokes, wanting to get it over with. His mouth fell open in a soft gasp and he pressed his other hand to his chest. He missed another person's touch, he missed being held, he missed that intense connection he'd seen in Lelouch's show. He moved his hand faster, water sliding down his chest and belly and toes curling against the bathtub. He imagined being held the way Lelouch had held that young woman, having his hair stroked, hearing kind words, feeling totally supported and suspended…

The pressure built in a crescendo inside him, and Suzaku squeezed his eyes tighter. "Ah-!" Suzaku gasped and came all over his hand, shivering as he pleased himself through it until he was completely spent. He opened his eyes and stared down at himself, his chest rising and falling with his slowing breath, the water washing away the evidence of what had just happened. However, his mind had stopped spinning, he wasn't uncomfortably hot anymore and he felt much better for both as he rinsed off.

His breath and heartbeat returned to their natural rhythms and skin flushed and clean, Suzaku shut off the water, wrapped a towel around himself and stepped out of the shower, grateful the steam had fogged up the mirror above the sink. He checked his phone, but there was still nothing from Lelouch.

After a few hours of answering questions and taking information on the crowded, sweaty dance floor, CC and Lelouch agreed to call it a night. "I'm gonna stay out longer!" she told him, over the noise of the crowd.

"Are you sure?!"

"Yes! I'll see you at home! And you can leave everything in the dressing room, I'll take care of it!" Lelouch took her hand and gave it a squeeze, which she returned, then headed back to the dressing room, empty except for their street clothes, ropes and floggers. He pulled off his mask with a heavy sigh and closed his eyes, random images and sounds and feelings from the show flashing across his mind as though he were watching it all again at warp speed. His lip curled. He was pleased with how everything had gone, especially after Diethard had found him in the crowd to show him some of the photos he'd taken.

"Good, e-mail them to us so we can post them," he'd said in his work voice.

"No problem!"

Lelouch opened his eyes and took deep breaths, but as the dressing room came into sharper focus, as he began to leave his Zero persona, he wondered what Suzaku would think of them. He'd called the livestream amazing… He shook himself and took out his contacts, changed back into the clothes he'd arrived in, then packed up his bag and put on his winter coat, scarf and headphones and, after reading Kallen's "Home!" message, texted Suzaku.

finally done…

how's your night?

His lip twitched as chat bubbles appeared at once.

I have so many questions

Lelouch's mouth twitched again. Suzaku had always had questions.

anything I can answer over text?

Eyes still on his phone, Lelouch left the dressing room, headed back down the dark red hallway and pushed open the stage door. The winter air was like a slap in the face, but an incredibly grounding slap in the face. He was back to himself and he wanted to be home. However, before calling a cab, he took a lighter and spliff Mao had rolled for him out of his bag. He turned against the wind, lit up and took a deep pull on it, then exhaled the smoke into the night sky. Immediately he felt calmer, and took another drag before calling an Uber, which would apparently arrive in five minutes and have him home in twenty. He took one last pull on the spliff, the smoke and cold air stinging his lungs, then put it out against the side of the building and stowed the rest away in his bag. He'd told Mao more than once not to make them too strong, but it still paid to be cautious. His phone buzzed, though it surely hadn't been that long, but no, it was just a text from Suzaku.

I mean, I guess?

but I'd rather ask you in person

Lelouch swallowed, but he understood. One of the first things he'd learned from CC was that this was all better experienced than explained. His phone buzzed again as his Uber pulled up, and he climbed inside, the heat and enclosure immediately soothing. "Car for Lelouch, right?" the driver asked.

"Yes, thank you. How's your night?" The weed was hitting nicely as he buckled his seatbelt.

"Can't complain. Yourself?"

"Same."

Lelouch opened YouTube on his phone and searched up TedEd's channel. A few months ago, Shirley had sent him one of their videos on the history of chess, and he'd been strung out on them ever since, particularly their riddles, which helped him come down after work. He picked one called "Can You Solve This Famously Difficult Logic Puzzle?" and leaned back against the seat. "Imagine an island, where 100 people, all perfect logicians, are imprisoned by a mad dictator," said the narrator, and Lelouch sighed contentedly. The streetlights and neon signs and food trucks were all a blur as they sped through a string of green lights, and by the time they were driving over the Williamsburg Bridge, Manhattan and Brooklyn glittering around them, Lelouch had solved the puzzle and replied to Suzaku.

I get that

let's hang out again soon, then

when is good for you?

The reply came almost at once, and Lelouch's heart skipped, though the drug made him feel it in slow motion.

are you free tomorrow? I have the whole day off

Lelouch's eyes widened and his heart continued to pound in slow motion, but this also wasn't weird; Suzaku had always been impatient. Lelouch bit back a laugh, the effect of the drug still intensifying.

I have clients in the evening but plenty of time before

cool

do you want to just come over?

Lelouch's heart skipped again, but before his mind could spin out into what ifs, they pulled up in front of his building.

"Here is perfect, thank you!" Lelouch told the driver, rather breathlessly. He got out of the car, slammed the door and hurried back up to his apartment, his heart still doing its slow motion race inside his chest. However, he took deep breaths and replied to Suzaku.

I can do that

what time and what's your address?

Chapter Text

Lelouch woke up with a gasp, his heart racing and mind reeling from one of many strange, disorienting dreams. He blinked in the bright winter sunlight pouring in through the gap in his curtains, then rolled over to pick up his phone from the bedside table. It was midmorning, over an hour before he had to get up. He set his phone back down and rolled over, away from the sun, but knew it was no good before he'd even closed his eyes: he was already thinking about his plans for the day.

With a heavy sigh, he sat up and picked up his phone again to read over his and Suzaku's messages from last night.

I can do that

what time and what's your address?

502 E 79th st

6E

it's company housing

I guess the afternoon is good, whenever you've got time

that's actually right close to where my clients are

I'll see you around 2?

perfect!

cool see you tomorrow

good night

Lelouch bit his lip. Had Suzaku made it a point to tell him his apartment was company housing because it wasn't far from where he'd grown up? Or was that just more self-serving fantasy? He pressed the heel of his hand between his eyes and took deep breaths, trying not to spin out into what ifs, especially not without coffee.

He got out of bed, pulled on his bathrobe and made his way down the hall to the kitchen. He doubted CC was awake, god only knew what time she'd come back last night, but-

"Mao?"

"Eh! Bat guai! Zou san!" said Mao, looking up from the rice cooker and beaming at Lelouch. He was dressed in an old pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt that proclaimed "FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS GET SCURVY" under a cute illustration of a lemon and lime holding hands. "I'm making porridge, you want some?"

"What the fuck-" Lelouch started so snap, but then he realized Mao had made a pot of coffee and his tone softened considerably, "-are you doing in my house?"

"I came to see your show then followed CC home like a stray cat," Mao explained, still beaming. Lelouch snorted, got a mug from the cabinet and poured himself some coffee. "You want shrooms with that?"

"What the fuck?"

"I've got some in a powder! Check this out," said Mao, eagerly, taking a dimebag out of his pocket and holding it up with wide eyes. Lelouch just sighed impatiently and stepped around him to get the milk out of the refrigerator.

"Can you just, not, for like, five minutes so I can get sufficiently caffeinated?"

"Sorry," replied Mao, returning to the rice cooker. Lelouch shook his head, added milk to his coffee and took his first, grateful sip. He sighed, feeling it touch his soul, put the milk away and sat on one of the barstools in front of the kitchen island, watching Mao open a bag of rice, pour a measure into a strainer and begin to wash it clean. For a while, the only sound was the running water and Lelouch sipping coffee, until he asked,

"Why didn't I see you last night?"

"Because you explicitly told me 'don't speak to me while I'm at work,'" Mao reminded him. He dumped the clean rice into the cooker, then picked up a ginger root, broke off a chunk and began to peel it, its fresh scent filling the kitchen.

"I did," agreed Lelouch, though it had been years ago, when he'd first started working in the scene. CC had brought him to a party in some basement club off Chrystie Street to learn and network, and Mao was immediately in their space, coked out of his mind and rambling distractingly.

"The show was hot though," said Mao, approvingly, slicing the peeled ginger.

"Thank you." Everyone in the audience Lelouch had spoken to had said so too, and Suzaku had called it amazing. Lelouch took too quick a sip of coffee, burned his tongue and swore.

"Easy," said Mao, adding the chopped ginger to the rice cooker. "You sure you don't wanna microdose?"

"I can't, I have work later," replied Lelouch, staring into his coffee.

"Ahh no doubt." Mao filled the rice cooker with water, shut it and turned it on. "And you're doing something before work that requires your undivided attention?"

"Yes," replied Lelouch, annoyed. Mao had had uncanny intuition since Lelouch had known him, indeed Milly and Shirley claimed he was psychic. However, to hear Mao tell it, "It's actually fucking annoying being this sensitive to my surroundings. I can't turn off my empathy and every boundary is goddamn permeable as fuck and if I'm in a crowd of people without headphones I lose my shit."

"I didn't know you had friends besides us," said Mao, then, before Lelouch could panic, "I don't know who it is, relax. I figure CC and Kallen probably know, though." He topped up his own mug of coffee, added some of the mushroom powder and stirred it before taking a sip. He smiled in satisfaction and leaned over the kitchen island, smiling in would be innocence. Lelouch rolled his eyes.

"We knew each other a long time ago," he said, composedly, "and we reconnected very suddenly."

"Ooh, one that got away type shit!"

"Shut up," snapped Lelouch, blushing, but Mao just cackled and pushed himself off the kitchen island.

"What do you want in your porridge?"

A few hours later, Lelouch left his apartment, showered and dressed in one of his black suits, winter coat, scarf and headphones on and work bag over his shoulder. He caught the uptown M-15 bus at Allen Street, settled himself in a window seat with his bag on his lap and turned up his music. Now he was out of Mao's sphere he could think clearly about the day ahead.

His clients that afternoon (after he saw Suzaku, of course) were a married couple in their fifties with grown children and a nice apartment on Park Avenue. He liked them well enough, and they always paid in cash, but their lives were uncomfortably close to what had been expected of him before he'd been disowned. Not that they were the only ones; it was hardly unusual for seemingly straight-laced, conventional people to get up to all manner of crazy shit beneath the surface, especially when they could throw money at any repercussions they might face. He sometimes wondered if in some parallel universe he'd have gone the same way, but doubted it. The only script he'd ever followed was his own, even if it had many crossings out and footnotes and corrections. Suzaku, however, had decided to do what was expected of him, and that had been as much a betrayal as anything else.

The bus stopped at 14th Street and half the passengers got off, but twice that number got on, fighting for seats, jockeying for position and scolding those who didn't take their backpacks off. Lelouch just turned up his music and stared out of the grimy window, watching those people left at the bus stop shaking their heads and commiserating until the doors closed and the bus lurched further uptown.

He remembered the exact moment Suzaku had told him he was engaged, during that fateful Skype call the spring of his senior year. He hadn't believed him at first, because why would he? They were barely eighteen and had just met and Suzaku had been planning on going to college here in New York and his relationship with his girlfriend was just for show until they could actually get their lives started together. Or so he'd told himself despite mounting evidence to the contrary.

"Wait, what?" Lelouch had asked, incredulously, and Suzaku beamed at him through the computer screen.

"Yeah! I asked her yesterday, and she said yes!" Lelouch felt like his stomach had disappeared and his hand shook as he ran his fingers through his hair.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously!" A moment's silence passed as Lelouch tried to make sense of what he'd been told, but his brain seemed to have stopped working. However, one thought was still salient: this absolutely couldn't be true. Indeed, a couple in his class had said they were "engaged" for a month and then broken up in a blaze of drama. This must be like that! He took a few shaky breaths, trying to figure out what to say.

"Where'd you get the ring from?" He hadn't meant to sound that sarcastic, but he was positive Suzaku hadn't actually bought a ring.

"It's my mom's, she said I could have it for this. I got down on one knee and everything!" He looked so proud of himself. Lelouch folded his arms in front of his chest to hide his hands shaking.

"So what? Now you guys can be smug about calling each other 'fiance' even though nothing really changes?" He hadn't intended to wound, only to get clarification, to be sure that this couldn't actually be serious.

"No!" replied Suzaku, trying to sound cajoling though he was obviously hurt, and Lelouch immediately felt guilty, but said nothing, an itchy flush creeping up his neck. "We're serious, Lelouch, this weekend we're going to look at venues-"

"What about you coming here?" Lelouch interrupted. Suzaku bit his lip.

"I told you, things change." Lelouch dug his fingernails into his upper arms, the uncomfortable flush in his face now.

"Apparently."

"Lelouch, come on," Suzkau persisted, also going red.

"You guys have been together a split second!"

"When you know it's right, you know!"

"Is that what your dad said too?" Suzaku's eyes flashed, and for a split second, Lelouch wondered if he'd gone too far, but then he took a deep breath and replied, composedly,

"My father supports me fully."

"Oh I'm sure." Suzaku's eyes flashed again, but he pressed on,

"We're planning on getting married this summer, and I want you to come out and be my best man." His voice constricted slightly on the last two words, but Lelouch still felt them like a slap in the face. His eyes burned and he glared, outraged, through the computer screen.

"Your best man?"

"Yes!" Suzaku cried, still very red in the face. "You're my best friend, I-" but Lelouch had heard enough.

"You've got some nerve asking me that." And he slammed his laptop shut.

He'd fully intended to call Suzaku back once he'd cried it out and calmed down, but then realized it was pointless. He should have seen this coming, because the moment Suzaku had met this girl everything had changed. He'd only wanted to talk about her, he'd applied and been accepted to Tokyo U, he'd said he wanted to bring her with him the next time he came to visit… Yes, it would definitely be pointless. Also, Suzaku would more than likely just reject him anyway.

The bus stopped outside the UN, and the person sitting next to Lelouch got up and fought their way through the tightly packed crowd to exit. The doors closed, and again the bus lurched forward as his phone buzzed in his hand.

hey are you on your way?

yes!

I'll be another twenty minutes probably

depending on traffic

okay cool!

see you soon

you will

Lelouch changed the song he was listening to, reminding himself that they were just going to discuss the show today.

At 79th Street, Lelouch got off the bus and headed East. It was freezing, but people were out in droves: young couples walking dogs, families corralling small children, elderly men and women carrying groceries and chatting to people they knew, delivery drivers going way too fast on e-bikes. At the corner of York Avenue, Lelouch paused and took a deep breath, eyeing Suzaku's large brick building across the street. He shut off his music, tucked his headphones into his bag, made his way over and buzzed 6E, trying to stay calm. Immediately the front door unlocked and Lelouch stepped over the threshold, looking around for the elevator, only to realize there wasn't one. "You would," he muttered, half affectionate and half resentful, remembering meeting Suzaku for the first time at ten years old, dressed in his filthy dogi and hakama, sweating and red in the face and brandishing his bokuto, or maybe later, pushing the Cube at Astor Place by himself, his muscles bulging in his t-shirt and expression wild and forceful. "Fuck me," Lelouch muttered before beginning his climb.

The first two flights were manageable, but he paused at the bottom of the third to unwind his scarf, cursing the fact that rigging had done fuck all for his stamina. He climbed the next two flights then paused to catch his breath, wishing-

"Lelouch? Are you okay?" Lelouch's gaze snapped up to Suzaku standing in his open doorway, dressed in jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt. Lelouch's face burned, adding to the heat from his climb.

"I'm fine," he said, as confidently as he could, willing his heart to slow.

"Sorry, I should have warned you this building's a walk up," Suzaku said, caught between concern, affection and amusement.

"I'm fine," Lelouch repeated, climbing the last few stairs with what was left of his dignity.

"I guess some things are still the same," said Suzaku, and the tenderness in his voice caught Lelouch in the chest and made him feel like he'd hiked up fifty flights of stairs, not five.

"I suppose so," he said, catching his breath. There was a moment of rather awkward silence, then they hugged each other hello. Lelouch closed his eyes, and again his face burned, but he managed to smile as they broke apart. "Remember when we got in that fight, like, a week after we met?"

"Oh god," replied Suzaku, rubbing the back of his head as he stepped out of the way, allowing Lelouch over the threshold.

The summer before Lelouch had turned ten, his mother had lost her battle with cancer, and the spring after he'd turned ten, his father had dragged him and Nunnally across the world to do business in Tokyo. Lelouch had been furious about it, both because he didn't want to leave his childhood home still so full of his mother and because he wouldn't know how to care for Nunnally in another country despite their contingent of nannies, though of course his father hadn't listened. Why would he? He'd just needed them as pawns: a widowed father was a sympathetic figure regardless of being a wealth hoarding, bigoted extortionist creep, and it looked good to have you and your colleague's children get along.

Unfortunately, Lelouch and Suzaku had hated each other's guts from hello. Lelouch had been stiff and suspicious, Suzaku pushy and abrasive, and they'd had absolutely nothing in common. However, they'd attended the same international school and their fathers had insisted on getting them together outside of that. Nunnally had tried to bridge the gap, and Suzaku was softer towards her, but their time together only grew increasingly hostile until they'd finally snapped and thrown hands. Even though Nunnally couldn't see what was going on, she'd started crying at the crashing and yelling, which had alerted their parents.

Lelouch and Suzaku had avoided each other's eyes while they'd been lectured, but afterwards, Suzaku had conceded, "I didn't think you could hit that hard," and smiled as he'd rubbed his bruised face.

"You wanted to try me," Lelouch reminded him, taking the wad of tissues away from his nose to see if it was still bleeding. It wasn't. Suzaku smiled wider, and Lelouch smiled back.

"I didn't think you could hit that hard," Suzaku said in the present, shutting his door behind them.

"You wanted to try me," Lelouch reminded him, stepping out of his shoes, and Suzaku smiled, but shook his head despairingly. "I'm from New York, motherfucker, don't play with me," Lelouch added, his lip twitching.

"From the Upper East Side, so tough!"

"Listen…"

They exchanged a laugh and Lelouch looked curiously around Suzaku's apartment, his heart still beating rather fast. A single room comprised the living room and kitchen, and it was simple, but warm. An old fashioned radiator was clanging in one corner beneath large, curtained windows through which a fire escape was visible.

"Nice place."

"Thanks. ASEEC offered me other apartments closer to work, but I like this neighborhood, it-" but he broke off. "You can leave your coat and stuff in my room, here." Suzaku led Lelouch through the tiny hallway to their right and into his bedroom. It was also rather spare, but warm, and as Lelouch carefully placed his work bag on the bed, he remembered Suzaku's room back in his parents' house, full of books and manga, the walls covered in posters, the framed photo of the two of them on a shelf above his unmade bed. He bit down on the inside of his lip as he took off his winter coat and scarf and laid them down beside his bag. "You're so dressed up, even for you," said Suzaku, taking in Lelouch's dark suit.

"What? Oh," Lelouch looked down and self-consciously brushed some dust off his jacket. "It's my house call uniform," he said in his loftiest tone. Suzaku thought of his outfit from the night before, his tight black fabric, his mask, his eyes…

"Right," he said, watching Lelouch take off his suit jacket. "Do you want a cup of tea or coffee?" he asked, hoping he didn't sound awkward.

"That'd be great."

They returned to the kitchen, and Suzaku filled his electric kettle while Lelouch leaned against the counter, his arms folded. For a moment, they might have been in high school, waking up late after a night's adventure downtown.

"Are you hungry?" asked Suzaku, setting the kettle in its cradle and turning it on. "I could-"

"I'm fine," Lelouch assured him. "One of my friends made me breakfast earlier." Suzaku raised his eyebrows as he measured tea leaves and added them to an infuser.

"That's nice of them," he replied carefully, wondering who this person was and why they were at Lelouch's apartment so early on a Sunday.

"It was," Lelouch agreed, because it was true, though he'd never tell Mao that. Suzaku stuck the infuser in the teapot, then turned to face Lelouch, an odd look on his face. "He's one of CC's friends from like, middle school. He was at our show last night and came home with her after." Lelouch watched Suzaku's expression clear, and wondered what exactly he'd been thinking, but then,

"So your friends all know about…?"

"Of course they do," replied Lelouch, as though it were obvious. Suzaku's stomach hitched. Who were all these friends? What else did they know? "They don't come to all our events, but we always keep spots open for them on the guest list."

"Right…" Suzaku was even more curious. What were Lelouch's friends like? Where had he met them? What did they do? It also occurred to him that if he were into kink like this, he wouldn't have told any of the friends he'd said goodbye to in Tokyo.

"Are you okay?" asked Lelouch, shifting a little closer.

"What? Oh I'm fine! Sorry, I just got distracted." Lelouch knew that wasn't true, and in the past he'd have pressed it, but for now he just changed the subject.

"So what did you want to ask me?" Suzaku took a slow breath in. There were so many things he wanted to ask, but he wasn't sure what he could ask. To give himself time, he said,

"Let's sit down first." Lelouch couldn't help but laugh, thinking of how he'd stalled by asking to get drinks.

"Can I help with anything?" The kettle began to boil, and Suzaku took it off its cradle and poured hot water over the tea leaves.

"No, I-" but then he realized that made no sense. He shook his head. "Could you please get two mugs out of the cabinet?"

"There's nothing we can't do together," said Lelouch, and Suzaku burst out laughing. Like "nakanaide," it had been one of their often repeated phrases.

"Exactly!" Lelouch did as Suzaku asked while he replaced the kettle and set a timer on his phone. They carried the teapot and mugs over to the coffee table and sat down on the couch, Suzaku narrowing his eyes at Lelouch's hands. "Nice callouses." Lelouch's lip curled and he looked critically at his palm, stretching his long, elegant fingers.

"From you, I'll take that as high praise," he replied, dryly but sincerely.

"Your hands actually got pretty tough when I taught you how to climb trees, though," Suzaku amended, thoughtfully.

"True…" By the end of their first trip to Suzaku's parents' beach house in Izu, Lelouch could follow Suzaku up to any tree's highest branches, and they both remembered sneaking away to hide there while their fathers talked tediously for hours.

The timer on Suzaku's phone went off and he took the infuser out of the teapot and poured two mugs. "Be careful, it's hot." Lelouch smiled and picked up his mug, the image of his friend nearly twenty years ago, wild eyed and scraped up, weirdly superimposed over him now, quiet and purposeful. He blew on his tea, then took a sip.

"So," he said, holding the mug in his lap, "we're sitting down, what do you want to know?" Suzaku let out a rather awkward laugh and took a careful sip of his tea.

"Well," he began, casting a furtive glance at Lelouch, "I recognized CC, but who was the other woman on stage with you?" He vividly recalled her seizing the front of Lelouch's shirt and yanking him towards her, then drank more tea, his heart speeding up.

"That was Kallen, a friend from my one semester of college," replied Lelouch, watching Suzaku. "She has a respectable day job, so she just works with us for extra money." He didn't mention how much of an outlet it was for her, because that wasn't his story to tell. "I doubt she'll do this forever, but," he shrugged and sipped more tea. "This is delicious, by the way."

"I'm glad you like it, I got it from this tea shop on Avenue B," replied Suzaku, very pleased with himself.

'Near where we used to hang out,' they both thought. A moment's silence passed, then Suzaku asked, slowly,

"What about, um, the-"

"-people we were tying up?" Suzaku's face burned.

"Yes."

"They're friends from the scene who agreed to model for us."

"Oh… I didn't realize there was a real…"

"Community?" offered Lelouch. Suzaku nodded, still rather pink in the face.

"I mean I guess online it would be easy to find people, but I didn't realize it was so big in person too."

"It is if you know where to look," replied Lelouch. "It's actually really interesting antropolically." Suzaku laughed, though it made total sense. "Like last night we had all these new younger people who were either really excited or totally freaked out." Suzaku's flush deepened, and Lelouch raised his eyebrows, but he was more concerned than teasing when he asked, "Did it freak you out?" Suzaku shook his head.

"Freaked out isn't the word," he assured him, though now he had to actually name the feeling. He drank more tea to give himself a moment. "I've just never seen anything like that before, but like I said, it was amazing to watch." Lelouch relaxed a little and sipped his tea. "I didn't know you had that much upper body strength," said Suzaku, in exactly the same tone as "I didn't think you could hit that hard," and Lelouch burst out laughing, waving the words aside with his free hand.

"That's just rigging and physics, I can't actually take credit." As he said it though, Suzaku recalled exactly how Lelouch's arm muscles had swelled under the stage lights as he'd lifted the male model.

"Doesn't it hurt? Being tied and hung like that?" Suzaku asked, rather breathlessly, taking another hasty sip of tea. Lelouch hesitated a moment, unsure exactly where the question was coming from, before replying in a more professional tone,

"It can, if that's what you're into." Suzaku wondered if he was being tested. "But we try not to cut off circulation as a rule, and leaving marks can also be problematic depending—" but Lelouch broke off, shaking his head.

"What? Was that a stupid question?"

"No! Not at all, it's just that this is what I tell people at kink education events. Normally I charge for this."

"Oh," laughed Suzaku, relieved. "But wait, that makes me the friend that expects services for free! That sucks!"

"I don't actually care, don't worry about it," replied Lelouch, laughing softly as he ran his fingers through his hair, and Suzaku realized he'd known that, and feeling in sync was comforting. "The rope is way softer than it looks, though," Lelouch continued, his voice lowering slightly.

"Do you have some on you?" Suzaku asked at once, and Lelouch raised his eyebrows at his eager expression.

"Of course, do you want to play with it?" He knew Suzaku did, or he wouldn't have asked, but he was curious about what he'd say.

"Not play with it," he replied, a little stung by this, as though he were a kid wanting to touch something he shouldn't, "but can you show me?" Lelouch bit down on the inside of his lip, trying to ignore the hitch in his stomach.

"Sure, give me one second." He placed his tea on the coffee table, then went into Suzaku's bedroom to get his bag. He paused for a moment by the bed, neatly made in subdued colors. He'd never have expected Suzaku to be this curious or enthusiastic, even though he was clearly embarrassed to be, but of course he had no frame of reference. 'She'd probably know, though,' he thought, suddenly and resentfully, but then, 'stop.' He didn't need to go there. He sighed, picked up his bag and returned to the living room.

Suzaku was cross legged on the couch now, holding his mug of tea in both wedding ring free hands, green eyes wide and curious. For a split second, all nerve and professionalism drained from Lelouch's body and he almost retracted his offer, but caught himself just in time, clearing his throat over the words, gathering his courage and trying to slip at least somewhat into his professional role. He sat beside Suzaku and placed the bag between them.

Suzaku shifted to face him, watching his dexterous fingers unzip the bag and draw out a small, neat bundle of black rope. "Here," he said, holding it out. "You can play with it if you want, seriously." Suzaku set his tea on the coffee table and took the rope carefully into his hands. Lelouch was right; it was much softer and lighter than he'd expected.

"Can I untie it?"

"Go for it." Suzaku did so, and as he allowed it to slide between his fingers, he thought of Arthur getting tangled up in Euphy's knitting projects. Lelouch watched with his arms folded across his chest, as though he might contain his racing heart.

"Does it," Suzaku started to ask, but then changed his mind mid-question. "Your clients, they really like this?" Lelouch nodded. Suzaku wanted to ask, "Why?!" but couldn't figure out how without being rude. However, the question must have shown on his face, because,

"They do, and they all have different reasons why." Suzaku swallowed, but stared into his friend's face, silently demanding an explanation. "Some people do like pain, sure, but some people like feeling out of control, some people like the restraint, some people like to be objectified or admired." Suzaku wondered at once which category he fell into and his face burned as he considered each scenario. He couldn't imagine any of them, truthfully, but maybe if he experienced it… He stared at his fingers intertwined with the black rope. "Like I said, it's really interesting," said Lelouch, quietly. "You learn a lot about people doing this type of work."

"Yeah… Yeah I can imagine." Suzaku swallowed. "I know you told me you don't," he paused, "you don't get off on it, but is that what you get out of it?"

"I suppose so," replied Lelouch, heat rushing up his neck. He adjusted his collar, hoping it wasn't visible.

"That makes sense," Suzaku said, and though it did completely, he also wondered if that really was the only thing. Lelouch had always liked power, being in control and telling people what to do, it would make sense he'd take that to bed, not that Suzaku had any idea, and apparently neither did his clients, unless… Was there that one client with whom he actually did feel something? Suzaku's stomach squirmed and his palms sweat as he continued to play nervously with the rope. "So your clients today, is it more of what I saw last night?"

"No no," said Lelouch, relieved to be able to talk business again. "They're a married couple and super chill, the wife likes watching me tie up her husband. Sometimes we do suspension, but never impact-"

"Impact?" The corner of Lelouch's mouth twitched.

"Like what Kallen was doing, with her floggers."

"Oh… Oh yeah, obviously." Suzaku shook his head, feeling stupid, but then he recalled the look on the male model's face as Kallen whipped him. He wondered what it would be like to have someone come at him physically like that. It wouldn't be like the fights he'd gotten into in his misspent youth or his controlled martial arts sparring matches. He couldn't dodge or fight back, he'd just have to take the intimidation and pain. "Isn't that scary?" he asked, flushing at how childish the question sounded. However, Lelouch took a thoughtful sip of tea.

"I mean, yes, but that's part of the appeal for some people. Not that it has to be, of course. Honestly, impact has never been my gig, so I'm not the best person to ask." Suzaku understood immediately, remembering Lelouch coming on Skype with bruises, until of course he'd finally fought back… "Suzaku?"

"What? Sorry…"

"Nothing, you just look upset, are you okay?" Lelouch was sure he was making the connection, and his heart squeezed in his chest.

"I'm fine," Suzaku assured him, and yet again their shared past was in front of them, hanging like a shimmering heat haze. Suzaku's knuckles tightened around the rope he was still holding and Lelouch gripped his mug tighter as they stared each other hard in the face. "I just think that makes sense too."

"Yeah, impact is Kallen's thing," said Lelouch, and the heat haze dissolved immediately. "She teaches that when we do education events, if you're curious." Suzaku's breath caught in his chest and Lelouch realized the implication, but didn't look away, and neither did Suzaku.

"You know I'm curious, that's why I asked you over." Lelouch nodded, and on a sudden swell of bravery or stupidity,

"Here, give me the rope." Suzaku took a sharp breath in and did as he was told, then watched Lelouch straighten it out. "Now give me your left hand." Suzaku extended his left arm as Lelouch found the bite of the rope, then looped it around his middle finger and tied intricate patterns up to his elbow to make a kind of rope gauntlet. Suzaku watched with wide eyes, feeling his quickening heartbeat resonate where every knot pressed gently into his skin. Again, he was right, it wasn't painful. Lelouch's heart was also pounding, the feel of the rope contrasting with the soft cotton of Suzaku's long sleeved t-shirt and the taut skin and toned muscle beneath. He tied one last knot at his wrist and secured the ends, then smiled up at Suzaku. "I should go."

"Already?" Suzaku's face fell. Even though he'd asked his questions, he still didn't feel like they'd talked about anything, and his curiosity was far from sated.

"Work," Lelouch reminded him, and though his tone was regretful, Suzaku wondered if he'd picked the time on purpose, to give him as little as possible, except, "Let's hang out again soon though."

"Of course!" Suzaku replied, relieved. "And… Maybe I could meet your friends sometime," he continued, bravely. Lelouch's eyes widened, and though his stomach squirmed guiltily at keeping Suzaku a secret, he was terrified at the idea of coming clean. However,

"Yeah, I'm sure they'd love to meet you." Suzaku's whole aspect lit up, and Lelouch suddenly realized how lonely it must be here without all the people he'd left back in Tokyo. His heart squeezed in his chest, and Suzaku made to untie the rope, but, "Keep it," said Lelouch, gently pressing his fingertips to his knuckles.

"But don't you need it?"

"I've got plenty more." Suzaku looked apprehensive for a moment, but then gently held his bound forearm to his chest with his other hand. "Just don't leave it on too long, and please cut it if you can't figure out the knots," said Lelouch in a rush, to cover the sudden warmth in his belly and chest.

"At the first sign of loss of circulation," Suzaku assured him, smiling down at his arm and then up into Lelouch's face. Lelouch rolled his eyes, but smiled too as they got to their feet. Suzaku ran his fingers tenderly over the rope, feeling each individual thread as Lelouch went back to his bedroom to redress for the cold winter afternoon. He returned to the living room, picked up his bag and Suzaku walked him to the door.

"I'll text you," said Lelouch, stepping into his shoes.

"Good," replied Suzaku, still holding his bound arm. "Be careful."

"I'm always careful," said Lelouch. Suzaku raised his eyebrows at his flippant tone. "Seriously, please don't worry."

"I'll do my best."

Suzaku smiled rather sadly and opened his arms, and Lelouch hugged him goodbye. Just like last time, they were flooded with memories of their last goodbye before their falling out, but the rope around Suzaku's arm was like a talisman against the wave of anxiety that they'd lose each other again. Lelouch closed his eyes, wanting to sink into Suzaku's arms, but he was about to go to work, he needed his wits about him, he had to pull away for now. "I'll text you when I'm done," he said, withdrawing.

"Good," replied Suzaku again, rather forcefully, which made Lelouch laugh. They stared at each other a moment longer, then Lelouch opened the door and stepped over the threshold, allowing it to fall closed behind him.

Suzaku held his bound forearm to his chest, again feeling his heartbeat resonating through each knot, and knew that same heat in his belly from the night before. Questions he wished he'd asked suddenly rose up inside him, or maybe that was just wanting more time with Lelouch. He turned and eyed their mugs across the room. It reminded him painfully of coming home after taking Lelouch to the airport that last time, when he'd found a shirt he'd accidentally left behind in his bedroom.

He crossed the room and picked up Lelouch's mug, then placed it carefully in the sink, the rope moving against his arm, gently tugging at his hand. It didn't feel good necessarily, but he liked the compression, the support. He ran his fingers over the cords and knots and tried to imagine them around his legs, his chest, his hips. The heat in his belly simmered faster as he remembered Lelouch's graceful fingers expertly tying the knots. He took a deep breath in and sighed it out, but venting the heat only allowed the same bitter feelings he'd been fighting since their reunion to take hold.

Lelouch still hadn't brought up their past for longer than a few nostalgic comments. As ever, he tried not to be too hurt about this, because surely he should just be happy they were back in each other's lives. He should be able to just let go of the grief and pain he'd carried their entire time apart. Lelouch seemed to have done that. Suzaku bit his lip, still caressing the rope. Had he forgotten it all? Or did he just not care?

Out of nowhere, Suzaku remembered their last Skype call, when he told him he'd gotten engaged. Lelouch had been so angry. He'd dismissed his plans completely, he'd brought up his father in an extremely hurtful low blow, then spoken his last words.

"You've got some nerve asking me that."

He'd then slammed his computer closed, cutting off the Skype call. Utterly confused and beyond terrified, Suzaku had called him over and over again for hours, messaged him on every available platform, but he never answered. Suzaku had cried all night, furious and devastated when he should have been on top of the world, and had gone to school the next day looking and feeling like he'd been through a war.

"What happened?!" Euphy cried, alarmed, when she saw him. Suzaku managed not to cry when he told her, but it was a close thing.

"I just thought he'd be happy for me," he finished, blinking furiously. Euphy made a sympathetic noise and squeezed his arm, her engagement ring catching the light.

"It's an adjustment, just give him time," she said, compassionately, but Suzaku didn't understand.

"An adjustment to what?!" he burst out, then recovered himself. "Sorry." He took her hand and interlaced their fingers. "He's known about you this whole time, I-" but he broke off, shaking his head, and Euphy kissed his knuckles.

"I'm sure he'll come around."

But Lelouch hadn't come around. He never replied to Suzaku's messages or returned any of his calls or e-mails or anything, and it made absolutely no sense. Lelouch was his best friend, they'd sworn up and down that nothing would ever come between them.

Suzaku sighed, his heart squeezing in his chest. He'd never asked Euphy how her night out with her coworker had been, and truthfully he really didn't want to know. Could he just not ask her in exchange for not telling her about watching Lelouch's show? No, that was cowardly and deceitful, what was he thinking?! Except telling the truth always seemed to get him in trouble.

Shaking his head in a totally pointless attempt to clear it, Suzaku sat down on his couch, refilled his mug and pulled his laptop towards him, intending to get work done. Unless he managed to find an engaging enough shibari video.

Outside Suzaku's building, Lelouch put on his headphones, selected a song he often performed to, and texted his clients.

Get ready.

Yes, Zero.

Lelouch smirked, but before he could actually put on his Zero mask, he got a call, and smiled widely at the name. "What's up, Rivalz?"

"Not much, my dude! I just wanted to know what you're up to Friday night." Lelouch thought for a moment as he headed West.

"I might be working, I'll have to check. Why?"

"Oh, I guess Shirley didn't tell you yet! She has another meeting with her lawyer that day-"

"Shit…"

"Yeah exactly. Apparently her ex is still trying to fight her for the apartment, plus Kallen's also dealing with bullshit so I figure we should all get together and show some support, you know?"

"Yes, absolutely," Lelouch agreed, nodding even though Rivalz couldn't see him. "Just let me know where to be and when."

"No doubt. What is it with our friends though, seriously? Always going through shit!"

"Fucking search me, but I think I started it ten years ago, my bad."

"Fuck outta here," Rivalz replied, though of course he was laughing.

"Anyway, I'm actually about to go see clients, but keep me updated."

"No doubt! Be careful, text me later!"

"I got you. Bye!"

"Peace!" Lelouch ended the call and walked a little faster towards the setting sun, the pain of leaving Suzaku numbed a little by the prospect of seeing all his friends in a few days, even if it wasn't for the happiest of reasons. However, just as quickly he recalled that Suzaku had asked to meet everyone. The warmth in his chest suddenly scorched on a rise of bitter feelings. If Suzaku hadn't gotten married, if he'd come to school here like they'd planned, he'd know all these friends just as intimately, but now only CC and Kallen even knew his name.

Lelouch got stuck at a red light on Park Avenue and stared about at all the grandeur and affluence with distaste. He couldn't think about all of that now. He needed his wits about him, he needed to be professional, he needed to put his mask on. He restarted the song he often performed to, stepping into his professional self as he strode down Park Avenue.

Chapter Text

It was lucky Lelouch had the evening with his friends to look forward to, because he spent all of that Friday at his dining table doing the businessy side of his job: sending emails and drafting contracts and calling venues and writing checks. It was necessary, but incredibly tedious, even with endless cups of coffee and Radio 1's drum and bass show.

As the sun began to set outside the windows, sending long shadows across the floor, Lelouch sent his last email, an updated headcount for their Excursion in April. It was a waste to do it before their next education event, in his opinion, but the owner of the hotel hosting it, one of CC's clients, was extremely meticulous, and Lelouch couldn't in good conscience fault him for that.

He closed his laptop and stretched, relieved to be done, then heard his phone go off. He picked it up at once, and smiled at Nunnally's name.

"Hey!" he exclaimed, getting to his feet and pacing back and forth across the room.

"Hiya!" she cried, obviously smiling too. "How are you?"

"I'm fine, just taking care of some paperwork."

"Oh ew, I'm sorry!" Lelouch laughed.

"It's necessary. How are you? Did you have rehearsal today?"

"Yup! I'm on break right now." Lelouch crossed his phone free arm in front of his chest.

"How's it going?"

"Great! We've started choreographing a new piece!" Lelouch's eyes lit up.

"That's exciting!"

"It is! We're still in the 'throw ideas at the wall and see what sticks' phase, so lots of contact improv and exploration, but that's what I like best."

"I know," replied Lelouch, fondly, staring out his windows over the grey and orange afternoon. "So when can I come see it?"

"Never!" replied Nunnally, coldly, but then, "Hopefully this summer, but don't hold me to that." Immediately Lelouch thought about his summer plans, though he was pretty sure they didn't have anything in writing after the Excursion- "Maybe you could bring Suzaku." Lelouch's mind stopped so suddenly it was as if someone had slammed on the brakes. He said nothing for a moment, just stared out of his windows, his stomach squirming. "Lelouch?"

"I know he'd love to see you dance," he said, slowly. There was a traffic jam on the Williamsburg Bridge, and the red tail lights seemed to blur together. "But his work contract is up in June, so-"

"We'll see what happens," said Nunnally, firmly but sweetly, before changing the subject. "Are you working tonight?"

"No no, I'm going to Milly's place for drinks."

"Fun! Is everyone going to be there?"

"Yes," replied Lelouch, resuming his pacing. "I'll send them your love."

"You better! How's Kallen?"

"She's okay," said Lelouch, his heart hurting him. "Last I heard her mom's still recovering in the hospital, I don't know if her dad's come to see them yet, but…"

"He's probably feeling ashamed, given how much worse her drinking got after he left," said Nunnally, and Lelouch admired her compassion, but,

"Good, he should."

"I agree! I'm just explaining." Lelouch shook his head, but couldn't help but smile. "Is Shirley's ex still acting like a child?"

"As far as I know. She had a meeting with her lawyer today, so I'm sure I'll get an earful when I see her later." Nunnally sighed heavily.

"Yes…"

"I'm just glad the bullshit revealed itself before they could have any kids."

"God, truly," agreed Nunnally with another heavy sigh. A moment's silence passed. "What about Suzaku?" Lelouch stopped dead in his tracks again and stared into his kitchen.

"What do you mean?" he asked, though he was sure he knew where the question was going.

"Is Suzaku still with his wife?" Lelouch closed his eyes and dug his fingernails into his upper arm, the question like a slap in the face even in his sister's voice.

"We're planning on getting married this summer, and I want you to come out and be my best man."

"You've got some nerve asking me that."

"Lelouch?" He cleared his throat.

"What? Sorry."

"Do you know what's going on with Suzaku and his wife?"

"Well he's not with her physically, obviously-"

"Don't do that please," Nunnally interrupted, her sweet voice lowering, which shut Lelouch up at once. He chewed on the inside of his lip, an uncomfortable flush creeping up his neck.

"I'm not sure, it hasn't come up."

"What on Earth do you mean, it hasn't come up?" asked Nunnally incredulously, which made Lelouch feel like a coward, which he supposed he deserved, but… He turned and watched the traffic jam for a moment, then said, eventually,

"I don't need to know."

"You don't want to know," Nunnally corrected him, then, before he could dispute this, "which I completely understand, because goodness knows what you'll find out, and you've spent ten years hurting over this." They both remembered her coming into his room to ask for help with a homework assignment the night Suzaku had asked him to be his best man, only to find him in bed crying into his pillows.

"It doesn't get much plainer than that, does it?" Lelouch said, because what else was there to say to that and only because it was Nunnally.

"I know," she replied, sympathetically. "It'll be all right, though, you'll see." Lelouch didn't believe her, but Nunnally changed the subject before he could argue, and they spent the rest of their conversation on other, easier things, until, "Well I have to get back to rehearsal, but we'll speak later?"

"Yes, of course. I love you."

"I love you too!"

Lelouch ended the call, and though he needed to get ready to go to Milly's, he was distracted by a text from Suzaku.

why is the last hour of work always the most exhausting?

Lelouch smiled. They'd been texting all week, about work, trains, weird neighbors and other mundane easy shit. Still nothing about the past or anything heavy. Another uncomfortable flush crept its way up his neck.

is this a philosophical question or are you literally talking about work?

Lelouch restarted his music, then proceeded down the hall to his room.

HA!

I meant actual work, but I guess both

does that not happen with your job?

Lelouch pondered the question for a moment before replying.

not so much during one on ones, but during parties and education events sometimes for sure

He tossed his phone onto his bed and pulled open his dresser drawer, debating all his neatly folded button downs before choosing a black one and putting it on over his t-shirt. 'That'll work,' he thought, eyeing himself in the mirror before picking up his phone again.

you mean where you teach people how to tie?

exactly

it's hard to imagine you teaching

Lelouch laughed, but wasn't at all offended. He didn't think he was a very good teacher, despite all the positive feedback he received. He often wondered if he'd feel more confident if he actually did get off on tying people up, though of course he had no way of knowing. When he'd still been hooking up with people, none of them had asked for it. Suddenly he recalled Suzaku staring wide eyed at the rope gauntlet he'd tied around his hand, wrist and forearm, but then shook his head and replied to his message.

oh yeah? why's that?

you were always so against it whenever anyone suggested it

Lelouch gave another soft laugh, because fuck if that wasn't true. When adults around him noticed his affinity for logic puzzles and strategy games, they'd always tell him, "You should become a logician, get a PhD and be a professor!" which was only slightly less annoying than "You should play chess competitively!" Suzaku used to say both just to piss him off.

"You're applying to MIT, right?" he asked, sarcastically, that same summer they'd gone to the festival blasted. They were sitting side by side on the train to Suzaku's family's beach house in Izu, watching the world fly by outside the windows.

"Only if you do," replied Lelouch, crossing his arms as if to hold in the "it'd be too hard to have you finally in New York if I'm four hours away." However, Suzaku seemed to know what he was thinking, because he smiled and said,

"No way, we're gonna take over New York together!" Lelouch had held onto their plan like a lifeline against the last years he'd have to spend in his father's house until Nunnally turned eighteen, only to have it cut, seemingly out of nowhere. He swallowed his bitter feelings and replied to Suzaku.

yeah well

the only part of academia I'd be good at is the politics

and even then, I couldn't guarantee who would benefit from my research or whatever

fuck that

He shoved his phone into his pocket, put on his winter coat and scarf, gathered his keys, money and headphones and was out the door.

At his workspace, Suzaku rolled his eyes affectionately. They'd thoroughly canvassed this topic many times before.

fair enough!

He hesitated, then, wanting to keep the conversation going,

what are the education events like?

He pressed send with a skip of his heart, thinking of the length of rope Lelouch had let him keep, tucked safely in his bedside table drawer. He'd looked up tutorials, but had felt too, well the closest word he could think of was "shy," to actually try any of the ties and knots, so had just played with it like a cat. He still wasn't even sure what he found so intriguing about any of this in the first place, aside from the fact that it was a connection to Lelouch and a fantastic distraction from what was going on with Euphy.

it depends on a lot

venue, crowd, intention, etc etc etc

Pretty sure he understood, Suzaku was about to reply, when,

"Suzaku!" He looked up and saw his coworker, Gino, grinning over him. They'd built up a good rapport over the last few weeks, and he expected another invitation to drinks was coming, though again, he had another obligation.

"What's up?" he asked, placing his phone face down on the table.

"Anya and I are gonna go grab drinks tonight, you wanna come with us?" Suzaku's stomach gave a guilty squirm.

"I promise I'm not blowing you off on purpose," he said, "but I've got a FaceTime call with a friend back home." His stomach gave another guilty squirm, though it was technically the truth, he supposed. His coworkers didn't know about Euphy and he intended to keep it that way, at least until he had a way to explain it that didn't make him feel like a complete failure. Gino fell forward with a cry of disappointment, the dramatic gesture made even more so by how tall he was, and Suzaku laughed in spite of himself. "Sorry!"

"Nah I understand, they all must miss you!" Suzaku's smile stiffened a little, but he nodded. "We'll get you out with us one of these days!" Gino said, wrapping the table smartly with his knuckles.

"Absolutely." Gino grinned and departed, waving over his shoulder. Suzaku heaved a heavy sigh and snatched up his phone to finally reply to Lelouch.

right, that makes sense…

He watched hopefully for chat bubbles, but when they didn't immediately appear,

are you working tonight?

He gave it a minute, but when there still wasn't a response, returned to his computer.

Lelouch got off the F train at West 4th Street and paused to text Milly.

walking over now, you need anything?

we're good, thank you though!

Half her emoji library followed. Lelouch smiled, then noticed the texts from Suzaku.

right, that makes sense…

are you working tonight?

His stomach gave a guilty squirm as he replied.

no

I'm actually on my way to a friend's house

I would have asked you to come but we're getting together to support our other friend going through shit so it had to just be us

At least it was true. He crossed the street and continued towards Milly's apartment, deep in the West Village by the water and surrounded by overpriced restaurants popular on Instagram. She put up with the hordes of wannabe influencers and being far from the train because it was also far from her midtown newsroom job.

Halfway along Morton Street, Lelouch paused outside a brick building with huge glass doors and buzzed Milly's apartment, then stepped up into the understated, but still luxurious, lobby. Milly had also come from the money and prestige of the Upper East Side and had tried (less successfully than himself) to shed that history. Not that Lelouch judged her, she and her family were still on good terms, which gave her an easier time of it. He strode through the lobby and stepped into one of the elevators on the far wall. As he rode up to the fifth floor, he checked his phone again to find Suzaku had replied.

oh I'm so sorry to hear that! What's going on?

and don't worry, I totally understand and I'm busy tonight anyway

Lelouch's heart skipped. Busy with what? Or who? He answered the first message to avoid the second.

ugh it's fucking horrible

my friend Shirley is getting divorced and her ex is NOT being cool about it even though it was his idea

she had a meeting with her lawyer today so we're basically coming through with the crash mat

The elevator chimed, and Lelouch took off his headphones and walked down the carpeted hallway to ring 5A's doorbell. He could already hear music and voices from within, and his heart swelled at the sound of footsteps.

The door opened, revealing Milly with a glass of red wine in her hand and a wide smile on her face. "Hey!" she exclaimed, leaning forward so Lelouch could kiss her on the cheek. "Come in!" She stood back, holding the door open for him, and Lelouch stepped over the threshold into her bright white combined kitchen, living and dining room. Outside the windows and sliding door opposite him, a light snow had started to fall, collecting softly on the small balcony. Shirley and Kallen stopped talking to wave and toast him with their own glasses of wine and he smiled across the room as he stepped out of his shoes and took off his winter coat and scarf. "Give those to me," said Milly, setting her wine on the counter.

"Thanks," said Lelouch, and the moment his hands were free he went into the kitchen to take a glass from the cabinet and fill it from the open bottle on the counter.

"I was going to do that, but all right," said Milly, playfully, hanging up his coat and scarf in a closet beside the door. Lelouch toasted her and took a sip.

"Good choice," he told her over his shoulder as he went to join Shirley and Kallen in the living room. "Hey," he said, bending forward to give each of them a one armed hug before sitting down in the armchair beside the couch.

"How are you?" Shirley asked, her legs tucked under her.

"Don't mind me, how-" but Shirley put her hand up to silence him.

"Ask me again when everyone's here, I'd rather just say it all one time." Kallen placed her hand on Shirley's knee and gave it a squeeze.

"Fair enough," replied Lelouch, understanding completely.

"So seriously, how was your day today?" asked Shirley, with a brave smile.

"Fine, I was just doing paperwork. CC had clients though." He drank more wine, then addressed Kallen, "Can I ask about you?" She rolled her eyes.

"You can, but nothing's changed. Mom's still in the hospital, but we're moving to a rehab facility next week. She's still refusing treatment once she's able to walk again, so we'll see."

"I'm sorry," replied Lelouch, while Shirley placed her hand on top of Kallen's.

"You'd think getting hit by a car because you're too fucking drunk to see straight would be more motivating," Kallen continued, trying bravely for sarcasm, and though Lelouch and Shirley smiled, it wasn't at all funny. "I've been updating my dad, but he still hasn't come to see us, so-" she broke off, cleared her throat and drank more wine. "So what's up with that Museum of Sex gig?" Milly snorted with laughter as she rejoined them with her refilled glass of wine, perching herself on the arm of Lelouch's chair.

"Sorry, I wasn't laughing at you, it was just the nonchalant tone and segue!"

"It's still funny after ten years?" asked Lelouch, raising his eyebrows at Milly, who stuck out her tongue in reply, but Kallen seized on the subject.

"Could I please book a session to have my back whipped raw for an hour?" she asked in a sarcastically professional tone that made all three of them laugh. "Thursday at three? Perfect, thank you so much!"

"I can't," sighed Shirley, sipping wine.

The doorbell rang, and Milly sprang up to answer it. Lelouch checked his phone discreetly under the cover of the distraction, but there was nothing from Suzaku.

"What are you doing at the Museum of Sex, exactly?" asked Shirley, tentatively. She'd always worried about what they did, despite their reassurance, though Lelouch was sure most of it was just her ex's disapproval.

"I get to teach people how to whip someone's back raw," Kallen explained, indifferently, sipping wine.

"Oh, like that event I went to before?"

"Yeah."

"You can come to this one too, if you want," said Lelouch. "If only to spite your ex."

"Lelouch, don't be a dick," said Kallen, but Shirley laughed.

"What? She won't be the first to come to one of our gigs to spite an unsatisfactory partner."

"Because that's fucking healthy," Kallen shot back, but Shirley just answered Lelouch's question.

"Maybe… I'm supposed to be trying new things and all…"

The apartment door opened, revealing Rivalz dressed in a pair of laminated pants and jacket with his motorcycle helmet under his arm. "Hi! Sorry, I was out in Queens and the traffic was ridiculous."

"You look frozen, come in and warm up!" commanded Milly, and Rivalz offered her his helmet with a smile.

Suzaku squeezed into the overcrowded 6 train at 59th Street, and it took the doors a few tries to close properly. There was a pause, then they opened again, and the conductor's voice blared,

"Attention passengers! Attention passengers! Due to a delay in service this train will be going express! The next stop on this train will be 86th followed by 125th! Again-"

Suzaku and a few other people extricated themselves from the train car, which finally got its doors closed and sped off up the tunnel. His fellow commuters grumbled and shook their heads at each other until another train arrived, which they were able to board, though they were packed in like sardines. He grasped one of the poles and stared up at the ceiling, trying to keep his wits about him. Unfortunately, the train ground to a halt between 68th and 77th Street.

"Attention passengers," the conductor drawled, "we're being held due to train traffic ahead of us, we should be moving shortly, thank you for your patience."

Losing patience by the second, Suzaku took deep breaths of the wet, heavy air, still staring up at the ceiling. He remembered, suddenly and bitterly, how amazed Lelouch had always been by the trains in Tokyo, by how clean and efficient they were, by how they always ran on time.

At last, the train began to move again, and they pulled into 77th Street. The doors opened, and Suzaku exited with a whole crowd of other passengers. The second he was able, he checked his phone and smiled at new texts from Lelouch.

ugh it's fucking horrible

my friend Shirley is getting divorced

Suzaku stopped dead in his tracks, a geyser of thoughts and emotions rushing up inside him, clouding his vision and making his head spin. However, he forced it down to read the rest of the messages.

and her ex is NOT being cool about it even though it was his idea

she had a meeting with her lawyer today so we're basically coming through with the crash mat

Suzaku's stomach contracted painfully and he took a deep breath in and sighed it out, fighting the geyser inside him and trying to stay calm, but it was like resisting the urge to throw up. Surely Lelouch hadn't meant anything by it, it was just a coincidence! But what if he had? But then how would he know? He still hasn't asked about Euphy! Out of the confusing whirl, a salient fact emerged: Lelouch still hadn't asked about Euphy, but was happy to tell him about what was happening with his friend! And not only that, go spend time with her, support her and take care of her!

Suzaku forced himself to keep moving, to rejoin the thronging crowds and make his way out of the subway station into the frozen, snowy night. The chill was immediately grounding, though it did nothing to slow Suzaku's mind and heart. He took another deep breath, trying to stay focused as he replied.

that's terrible, I'm so sorry to hear that!

He hesitated. Snowflakes fell onto his phone screen and melted, distorting the words that hurt so much to read, as though the sky were crying the tears he was fighting.

I relate, and it's hard

"I haven't seen you in mad long, what's good?" asked Rivalz, once he'd taken off his winter riding gear. He clasped hands with Lelouch and clapped him on the back as they embraced.

"I'm cool, how are you?"

"Always cool." Rivalz hugged Kallen and Shirley in almost painfully tight hellos and gave Shirley an extra kiss on the cheek. She smiled warmly, though her eyes darted to Milly, who was in the kitchen getting beer out of the fridge.

"What were you doing in Queens?" asked Kallen.

"I was out at a Finback, seeing what I wanna put on tap."

"Were you okay to ride?!" Shirley cried, alarmed.

"Put a lit match next to his mouth and see if he can breathe fire," said Lelouch, grinning over the rim of his wine glass.

"Lelouch, don't be a dick," said Kallen, though Shirley, Milly and Rivalz burst out laughing.

"I'm fine, don't worry," Rivalz replied, stretching before sitting down on the floor beside the coffee table. Milly handed him a beer, then perched herself on the arm of Lelouch's chair again. "You should all come through once we get their new stuff on tap though," said Rivalz, "It'll keep me from going completely nuts."

Suzaku walked all the way to York Avenue, stopped at his bodega to pick up one last thing for dinner and scratch the tortoiseshell cat's ears, went back up to his apartment and got halfway through cooking, but still Lelouch didn't reply, and his hurt and outrage morphed into pure, unfiltered anxiety. Had he said too much? Had Lelouch taken it the wrong way? Was he being cut off again?

When they were younger, people often teased Lelouch for overthinking, calling him anything from "analytical" and "intellectual" to "calculated" (though it wasn't without good reason, in Suzaku's opinion), while Suzaku was just "intuitive," "instinctual," or "impulsive." However, during one summer in New York, Lelouch had pointed out, bluntly, "Fuck off, we're as bad as each other." Suzaku laughed, and Nunnally chimed in, jokingly,

"I sometimes think you two are soulmates."

"Well yeah, there's nothing we can't do together!" Lelouch and Suzaku replied in unison without meaning to. They looked at each other and laughed while Nunnally just shook her head.

Suzaku sighed and continued chopping vegetables, his stomach clenching and heart hammering.

"You're my best friend!" "There's nothing we can't do together!" "Nakanaide…"

He slid the chopped vegetables into the frying pan, trying to put Lelouch out of his mind and focus on his call with Euphy, though of course that just changed the flavor of his anxiety. He was sure she'd tell him about her date. What other devastating news was he to receive? How much more would he have to put up with?

CC arrived at Milly's apartment a half hour after Rivalz with Mao in tow, bearing boxes full of kuih from a bakery on Eldridge Street.

"How was work?" Lelouch asked CC, after she'd hung up her coat and hugged everyone hello. She rolled her eyes and threaded her fingers through her long hair to which snowflakes still clung like tiny crystals.

"Comedown took longer than I expected; this client is going through it at work." Lelouch didn't ask for details but did nod and offer her a sip of his wine in solidarity.

"What would you guys like to drink?" Milly trilled, while Mao placed his kuih on the coffee table, clasped hands with everyone and flopped down onto the floor beside Rivalz.

"Beer, please! Help yourselves, it's all mad good."

"Wine, thank you!"

Milly served her friends drinks, then addressed the room, her arms wide. "Shirley, your moment has come!"

"You don't have to say it like that," said Kallen, rather outraged, but Shirley actually laughed, though she was rather pink in the face.

"It's the Shirley Divorce Report, live from Milly's living room!" she cried, gesturing playfully.

"It's also your living room," Milly reminded her, settling herself in the armchair opposite Lelouch. The moment Shirley had told them her husband had asked for a divorce (and for her to leave their shared apartment immediately despite them buying it together) Milly had swooped in and insisted she stay with her.

"Are you crazy?" she cried, when Shirley had had the nerve to protest. "Trying to find a decent apartment on such short notice and on half your income? Get all the way out of my face with that!" She, Lelouch, Rivalz, Kallen, Mao and CC had helped her move, then shared lots of beer and pizza.

"Anyway," continued Shirley, shaking her head at Milly and taking a fortifying sip of wine. "My lawyer says the best course of action is to go with a 'no-fault' divorce-"

"Hold up," Mao interrupted, "your dick ex was clearly at fault though, fucking someone else behind your back for a goddamn year-" CC cuffed him sharply on the back of the head while everyone else made noises of outrage on Shirley's behalf, except Lelouch, who just looked to her to see how she'd take this. He was surprised, and relieved, to see her laughing.

"That was my reaction too, don't worry!" she said, still blushing, and pressed on bravely, "but if I contest it and cite adultery," she gave a little shudder and drank yet more wine, "I'll need proof, which I have no interest in getting." Her face fell slightly. "It's surprisingly difficult to prove in court, apparently!" She tried to sound light and funny, but she was clearly hurting, and everyone exchanged looks.

"What about the apartment?" asked CC.

"We're going to mediation," Shirley replied, still trying to sound like the prospect wasn't painful and time consuming and generally awful. "Honestly I don't even want to fight for it and I can't afford it on my own, so I'm happy to just let him buy me out, but he's refusing." She shook her head. "We should have had a prenup, that was my fault, but I didn't-" She broke off and looked up at the ceiling, biting her lip. Kallen gave her knee a reassuring squeeze as everyone moved in closer, as though they might stem the flow of emotion with their bodies. "I feel like he's just throwing me away after eight years together," she told the ceiling, before facing everyone again. She blinked, and tears slid down her face.

"He's pathetic," muttered Kallen, while everyone nodded in agreement or shook their heads in sympathy.

"Or like he traded me in for a newer model or something," Shirley continued.

"I'm so sorry," said CC, softly.

"He's a little early for that type of midlife crisis, isn't he?" asked Rivalz, disparagingly.

"Yeah, he should have just bought a motorcycle like you did," said Lelouch, and the tension broke like a snapping guitar string, though he was pleased to see Shirley laughing. Rivalz playfully punched Lelouch's thigh, then smiled at Shirley across the coffee table.

"Well, if he'd just bought a motorcycle, I'd still be married to him," said Shirley, slowly, catching Lelouch's eye, "and I'm realizing that… Even though all of this hurts, and it hurts so much I sometimes feel like I'll die from it- I'm sorry, is that dramatic?"

"Nah," Mao assured her. Shirley wiped her eyes and pressed on.

"I think that, even though it hurts right now, I might be better off without him." Her expression suddenly brightened, and she caught Lelouch's eye again. "I know you never liked him, Lulu." Lelouch laughed softly. His response to this had always been "I don't like anyone" out of respect for her feelings, but now,

"No I didn't." Because it was true. "I always thought you deserved better, and now if you want, you'll find better." Because that was also true. Shirley flushed all the way to the roots of her hair and her eyes widened, but then she continued, in rather a flustered tone,

"I mean, don't hold me to any of this! Tomorrow I could be crying hysterically and wanting him back again!" Everyone groaned sympathetically and made noises of protest while Milly started refilling wine glasses. "Thank you," Shirley told her, swirling the glass around and staring into it. A moment's silence passed. "Not even thirty with one failed marriage behind me, how do you like that?"

"Don't say that!" Kallen interrupted, robustly.

"Really!" chimed in Milly. "Just because a relationship ended doesn't mean it was a failure, or that you're a failure! For goodness sake that'd make us all failures, and that's just needlessly depressing!"

"Unless you're Lelouch, who doesn't date people," countered Rivalz, and everyone burst out laughing.

"Just because I won't date you doesn't mean I won't date anyone," replied Lelouch, composedly, to more laughter. He avoided Kallen's eye, but caught Shirley's again.

Suzaku still hadn't heard from Lelouch when he called Euphy, sitting on the couch in front of the dinner he'd barely touched, FaceTime's dial tone echoing through the apartment until, "Hi! Sorry, my phone was in the other room!"

'If we had this scheduled why didn't you have your phone with you?' Suzaku thought, immediately and irrationally. However, all he said was, "It's all right!" and she beamed at him through the screen. His stomach churned and his racing heart ached. "How are you?" he asked, sitting back against the couch and tucking his legs up under him.

"Fine! I'm just making breakfast right now. Arthur, come here!" She bent down and Arthur protested with a half growl half meow, which Suzaku also felt in his chest. "Say hello," she told the cat, and he gave the phone a "please someone help me" look.

"Sorry, Arthur, it looks like you're stuck," Suzaku told him, regretfully, and Euphy laughed and set him back on the floor. He shook himself, then began to bathe his tail. "I miss you both," said Suzaku, and Euphy smiled sadly and tilted her head to the side.

"Aren't you keeping busy?"

"Yes of course, but," he replied, taken aback, "work only gets me so far."

"You're spending time with Lelouch though, right?"

"He has a life besides me," said Suzaku, rather more dismissively than he'd intended. He blushed. "I go out with coworkers too," he lied, his already churning stomach giving a guilty squirm.

"That's great!" Euphy pressed on, encouragingly. "I was worried, but I'm glad you're settling in, and I really do think this will give us clarity."

"Me too," said Suzaku, and though this lie also cost him, he'd never tell her he was more confused than he'd ever been in his life, or at least since Lelouch had stopped speaking to him.

"So tell me about your coworkers!" said Euphy, sweetly excited.

"Is it still cool if I smoke on your balcony?" Mao asked Milly.

"Of course, but it's snowing- well never mind," she replied, throwing up her hands as Mao was already halfway across the room.

"Anyone else want in?" he asked, pausing by the sliding door.

"Please," said CC.

"I can't be too fucked up, I have to bike home," said Rivalz, grinning and getting up from the floor. Shirley sighed, staring into her wine glass.

"Just one hit."

"Cool!" Mao exclaimed, sliding the door open. A blast of cold air hit everyone across the face, making them shiver, and Mao, Shirley, CC and Rivalz hurried onto the snowy balcony before too much heat could get out. Milly watched Rivalz slide the door shut, then throw his head back in laughter at something Mao said. She smiled and returned to the kitchen to open another bottle of wine.

Under the upheaval, Lelouch pulled out his phone, closing texts from clients and news notifications before reading the texts from Suzaku.

that's terrible, I'm so sorry to hear that!

I relate, and it's hard

Lelouch's eyes widened and he stared hard into the screen as though he could will more information from it. Were he and his wife also divorcing? And that was why he'd come to New York? But no, he must just have friends in the same position, plenty of people did-

"Lelouch?"

"What?" He snapped his gaze up to Kallen, and his shock and racing thoughts must have shown on his face because she and Milly were both looking rather alarmed. "I'm fine, sorry, I just got a weird text from a client," he said, evasively, shoving his phone into his pocket. Kallen and Milly exchanged a look, and Lelouch felt like he was being cornered. "I'm gonna go smoke too, actually," he said, hurriedly getting up to join their friends on the balcony and knowing they were exchanging another look behind his back.

"Yo!" said Mao, grinning. "Change your mind?"

"Yes," said Lelouch, threateningly, sliding the door closed behind him, and Rivalz and Shirley both laughed.

"Here," said CC, passing him the blunt. He inhaled deeply from it, passed it back to her and exhaled over his shoulder. He immediately felt his mind cloud, but his racing thoughts didn't stop, just slowed, stuck in the sluggish haze, and his heart now seemed to beat at half speed.

"You don't want to know," Nunnally had told him earlier, and up until barely a minute ago, she'd been completely right. Now, however, he was insatiably curious even though he was terrified of what he'd find out. The blunt came his way again on a whirlwind of snow and his friends' conversation and he took another drag, the smoke burning his lungs while his skin stung in the cold. He exhaled over his shoulder again, and his cloudy mind zeroed in on Suzaku's text. He couldn't just ignore it, but how the fuck could he respond without giving himself away?

"Can we please go back inside?" asked Shirley, her arms around herself.

"Yeah of course!"

"Sorry!"

Rivalz opened the door, and they reentered the living room, shivering and brushing snow off their shoulders and out of their hair. Lelouch sank back into his chair, the full effect of the drug hitting him now he was off his feet and back in the warmth. The conversation continued to swirl around him, and while everyone was distracted with more wine and beer, Lelouch retrieved his phone.

why, what's going on?

"Right, so I'm actually really enjoying this project, and- oh…"

"Suzaku?"

"Nothing, sorry, I just got a text." Suzaku's heart was already racing. "Sorry, give me one second…"

why, what's going on?

Finally, he'd asked, but now that he'd asked, Suzaku had to answer, and all the unknowns of the last few months were before him. It suddenly all seemed so immense, so overwhelming, so confusing, that he felt he might drown in it. He closed his eyes against the force of it all, trying to stay calm, stay in control, keep thinking clearly. He took a deep breath in, told Euphy, "Sorry, hang on," on his exhale, then texted Lelouch,

it's a complicated situation, and I'm really not sure what I'm doing, to be honest

He swallowed. This was all at least true, even if safely vague. He bit his lip, debating what to say next. As satisfying as it was to have Lelouch finally ask, he still hated talking about what was going on. Denial was so much easier, even as it ate away at him. He gathered his courage, then added, uncomfortably explicitly,

Euphy and I are separating, so I relate to what your friend is going through

As he sent the text, it occurred to him that he had no idea how legal separation in New York, or in the US generally, worked, but it felt weirdly good to write it out in a text to a friend, rather than on a legal document or to say it humiliatingly out loud. At that thought, he was immediately and insatiably curious about how Lelouch would take this, but in the meantime, he returned to Euphy. "Work stuff," he told her, regretfully, and his stomach squirmed guiltily yet again. She smiled, though he could tell she didn't believe him.

Lelouch felt his phone vibrate against his thigh, but made no move to answer it. In his eagerness to distract and alleviate, he'd completely forgotten how strong Mao always rolled his blunts. He'd hoped the alcohol would counteract it, but no such luck today. He listened to his friends' conversations continuing around him until he finally mustered the resolve to pick up his phone. He held it awkwardly in front of his face, his movement sluggish, his arm and hand hard to control. His eyes widened as he read the messages, his intoxicated brain forcing him to go slowly and make sense of every word.

it's a complicated situation

Complicated how? What the fuck did that mean?

and I'm really not sure what I'm doing, to be honest

'You sure as fuck were ten years ago,' Lelouch thought, the words rising up from the depths of his clouded mind.

Euphy

Lelouch shuddered at seeing her name, even ten years on. How fucking childish…

Euphy and I are separating

"What…" Lelouch whispered out loud without meaning to. He read the message through several times, just to be sure it wasn't the drugs, but no, there was no mistake.

Euphy and I are separating so I relate to what your friend is going through

But what did that mean?! Were they divorcing completely? Was that why he'd come to New York? Was he free to see other people? The questions swirled dizzyingly in Lelouch's mind and he closed his eyes, his heart throbbing in his chest, throat and ears.

"Hey, are you okay?" Kallen's voice right beside him was like a lifeline against the shifting tides in his mind, and he clung to it and forced his eyes open. She was perched on the arm of his chair, one hand on the cushion behind him and the other holding a beer. There were dark circles under her fierce blue eyes, and Lelouch's throat burned, but he swallowed it.

"I'm okay, sorry, just way higher than I meant to get." He leaned his head against her hand, and she nodded.

"Who are you texting?"

"No one." Kallen narrowed her eyes. "I was just reading a message!"

"Miss me with your semantic bullshit," she told him, but then they smiled at each other. He closed his eyes and turned his head so his cheek rubbed against her hand. "What are you, a cat?"

"Yes."

"Yeah, one whose owner made an Instagram for him because he always looks mad." Lelouch snorted with laughter, but Kallen just rolled her eyes and got up to go sit on the floor around the coffee table instead. Mao, Rivalz, Milly and CC had started a game of Hearts while Shirley kept score and ate Mao's kuih.

Again, Lelouch took advantage of the disruption to reply to Suzaku's messages, typing the first thing that occurred to him even though he'd obviously do better to sober up.

oh fuck I'm so sorry to hear that

His stomach twisted uncomfortably as he wondered if that was true or not.

you don't know what you're doing?

Suzaku gasped at the notification across the FaceTime call, at Lelouch's words,

oh fuck I'm so sorry to hear that

'Finally,' he thought, rather resentfully, but before he could read the other message, Euphy asked,

"What happened?"

"Nothing, sorry," replied Suzaku at once. "I just got another work text."

"I see." Suzaku stared at her face through the phone screen, though his heart was swelling full of Lelouch's words. "Suzaku?"

"Yes?" Euphy smiled her kind smile and tilted her head to the side.

"Do you want to hear about…?" Suzaku's stomach clenched.

'Do I want to hear about your date with someone else? No of course not,' he thought, in a knee-jerk rush of resentment that made his insides burn with shame. However, he forced the feelings down, away from his throat where they might escape as bitter words or displeased facial expressions. "Sure," he replied, and he knew another wave of guilt at how anxious she looked. "I'm okay, really, I can take it." Euphy seemed more than ready to dispute this, but all she said was,

"It was really nice."

"I'm glad!" exclaimed Suzaku, as robustly as he possibly could.

"Thank you," replied Euphy, and he could tell she meant it, which only made it worse. "I don't know if it'll go anywhere," she continued, "I'm not sure if I'm ready for that." He nodded. "It feels strange, but, not in a bad way, if that makes sense." Again, Suzaku nodded. Euphy sighed.

"Well I should probably let you get ready for bed, shouldn't I?"

"Yeah," replied Suzaku, in a deflated tone, then, wanting to end the call on a good note, "what are you up to the rest of the day?"

"Grading assignments and grocery shopping," replied Euphy, smiling and shrugging, and the simple domesticity the words painted was both enticing and insulting.

"That sounds really nice," he said. Euphy nodded.

"Have a good rest of your night, Suzaku."

"I love you." Euphy hesitated.

"I love you too."

She ended the call, and Suzaku closed his eyes and leaned back against the couch, breathing deeply through his nose.

"It was really nice."

The words echoed painfully in his head, though he'd never tell Euphy how much they hurt. At that thought, the pain began to transform into… He didn't even know, except that he didn't like it and he definitely didn't want to feel it anymore.

"It was really nice."

This was to be expected. He was stupid for being surprised. Part of why they were taking time apart was supposedly to explore and see what else was out there, to see if they had in fact missed anything by getting married so young.

Suzaku dropped his phone onto the couch beside him and covered his face with his hands, breathing hard through his nose and pressing harder into his closed eyes. As much as he hated to admit it, and he'd never say this out loud to anyone, he hadn't been surprised when Euphy had said she wasn't sure of her feelings for him anymore. In some much more honest part of his mind, long buried under believing in finding someone perfect for you and staying with them forever and loving them unconditionally despite hardship, he had also felt the shift.

He'd said in his wedding vows that he'd married his best friend, but for the last few years it seemed that was all she'd been. There hadn't been any charge or passion in a long time, though he'd just thought that was a normal part of being together so long, or maybe he hadn't minded if they really were just best friends. Except that when he'd made those vows, Lelouch in theory had still been his best friend, even though they hadn't spoken to each other in months.

Suzaku sat up straight again and opened his phone to read Lelouch's messages, fighting the difficult feelings as hard as he could.

oh fuck I'm so sorry to hear that

you don't know what you're doing?

Suzaku shuddered. He had no desire to even try and begin to explain, to unearth everything he'd been working so hard to suppress, especially over text, so instead, he just replied,

not at all and it's

but he stopped, erased the message and sent instead,

no idea at all

He watched himself send the message, wondering what Lelouch was up to, if he was busy, if he'd get back to him quickly.

Lelouch had always been able to intuit when he was struggling, much better than his parents and teachers and myriad other caregivers. He remembered the first time Lelouch had seen him cry, the summer he'd turned thirteen, the first summer he'd spent in New York, the summer his father had shipped him here after that terrible fight. The second night, after Nunnally had been put to bed, they'd stayed up late in Lelouch's room, whispering by flashlight.

"You're acting weird," Lelouch said, bluntly.

"No I'm not," Suzaku shot back, his chest swelling indignantly.

"Yeah you are, you've been acting weird since you got here."

"I'm just jet lagged!"

"My ass. What's up with you?"

"I told you, nothing!"

However, after much heated whispering, Suzaku had finally confessed, then immediately began to cry. However, before he could feel embarrassed, Lelouch dropped the flashlight and pulled him into his arms, hugging him the way he hugged Nunnally. Suzaku shuddered in his embrace, hating for his best friend to see him this way, feeling unworthy of anyone's support but beyond grateful for it.

"Nakanaide," Lelouch breathed, right in his ear, and the gentle word in his mother tongue in his best friend's voice was about the most comforting thing he'd ever heard. He cried harder than he'd cried since Lelouch and Nunnally had left Tokyo, and the word had become one of their phrases.

Suzaku bit back a hard cry of frustration, but, suppressed in his throat, it seemed to grow into a hard scream of something else entirely, clawing at his vocal chords to be let out. However, Suzaku swallowed it all and forced his eyes open, staring about the room for something, anything, to distract him.

His eyes darted between the sputtering radiator, the frost covered windows, the furniture he hadn't picked out, the dinner he'd barely touched, before falling upon his laptop on the coffee table. He pulled it towards him, searched for shibari videos in an incognito window and clicked on the first one that came up. His phone lay face up beside him, ready for when Lelouch responded.

Lelouch stared, fascinated, at the overhead light in the center of the ceiling, while his friends came periodically to sit beside him and talk to him, then rejoin the group. He didn't mind. In fact it kept him from slipping beneath the placid surface of his intoxicated mind to the churning undercurrent of Suzaku's texts and what they might mean. Though of course, he had nowhere near enough data to even form a hypothesis. He couldn't believe they'd actually divorce, at least not until he saw it on paper, but if they did…

A memory bubbled up to the surface of his mind, of that summer festival, of lying in Suzaku's bed in the middle of the night. "Nakanaide," Suzaku had said, smiling, his eyes closed. Drunk off his ass, the urge to do the unthinkable (though was it really unthinkable when he'd been fantasizing about it for years at that point?) burned in Lelouch's entire body, but he hadn't acted.

"I'm not crying."

"So desu ka…"

They'd woken up the next morning back to back, and Lelouch could still recall how hot Suzaku's skin felt through their yukata, before his hangover had really set in.

Lelouch shifted in his chair, still staring up at the overhead light, the surface of his mind rippling as his heart sped up. Other memories, other dreams, other scenarios where that night had gone differently chased each other in front of his eyes, but just a few weeks after Lelouch had returned from that trip, Suzaku had met his wife (ex-wife?) so maybe it was better that he hadn't tried anything. Or maybe if he had, them meeting wouldn't have mattered.

"Lulu?"

"Hmm?" Shirley came to sit on the arm of his chair, wobbling a little from her one blunt hit and many glasses of wine. Lelouch reached out to steady her, though his reflexes were slow.

"Are you okay? You've been quiet." Her characteristic bright interest shone through her intoxication. Lelouch smiled, knowing she was feeling better.

"I'm fine, just really high." Shirley giggled. "Are you okay? I'm a bad friend, I should be asking you that."

"Stop it," she said, rolling her eyes. "Sorry, I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I'm just-"

"Sick of people fussing? I understand." She went slightly pink. "Sorry-"

"Don't apologize!" she exclaimed, and Lelouch gave a soft laugh.

"Can I ask you something, then?" he asked, on a sudden rush of bravery.

"Of course!" She moved in closer, staring at him earnestly. Lelouch tilted his head to the side.

"Would you ever leave New York? Move away to get space from your ex? Start over?" Shirley's eyes widened for a moment, then her brow furrowed thoughtfully.

"It hadn't ever occurred to me," she replied, slowly, after a moment. She looked over at Mao refereeing another game of Hearts between CC, Kallen, Milly and Rivalz, and her face softened into a deeply affectionate smile. "No," she said, decisively. She then turned back to Lelouch, her expression the same. "I have so much more here than just him, and it'd kill me to be away from you. All of you, I mean." She shook her head, but Lelouch barely noticed, as the words seemed to unblock something in his chest.

"Thank you," he told her, very seriously.

"Oh, um, sure!"

"Hey! What are you two conspiring about?" Milly called, and Lelouch and Shirley rolled their eyes at each other. Shirley got to her feet, and Lelouch followed, his mind suddenly much clearer, and checked his phone again.

no idea at all

It took a minute for Lelouch to remember what they'd been talking about, but when his brain caught up,

that's a horrible place to be, I'm really sorry

Suzaku watched a young woman lying on her back have her knees bent, then tied open, exposing everything, while she moaned and begged for more, and looked away, his face burning. He wasn't here for that, it was way too much, but- His phone lit up and he seized it. He read Lelouch's message as a weird, but intense, relief flooded his body, and replied at once.

thank you

but it's all right

Though of course, it wasn't all right, and although he supposed he could no longer count on Lelouch's intuition the way he used to, he hoped he would know that. He wanted to say something else, something to keep the conversation going but wouldn't drag them both down…

On the computer screen, the young woman cried out in exaggerated ecstasy as another woman pressed a vibrator between her bound legs. Suzaku scrambled to press the back button, his face burning.

'No. No no no.'

He shook his head, trying desperately to clear it, and returned to his phone to type the first thing that came into his head.

those education events you keep talking about

can I come to the next one?

He had no idea if this was a wise move, but in that moment it made total and complete sense. To his surprise and continued relief, Lelouch replied faster than he had done all night.

I mean yeah but are you sure?

of course I'm sure!

I'd like to see you at work

It felt less… Well he really just wanted more time with Lelouch anyway.

sure

the next one is Thursday

Chapter Text

"CC? I need to tell you something."

"What have you done now?" she asked, without bothering to look away from Tales of the Abyss. Lelouch strode across the living room, leaned over her and pressed the triangle button on her controller. "Oh, you were serious." She looked up at him, and her eyes widened to see him staring at her so intently, his arms folded across his chest. "Sit down," she said, patting the floor beside her before muting the TV. He did so, chewing on his bottom lip. He had no logical reason to be this anxious, she'd seen him at his absolute lowest, and yet… "Is it about the event tonight?" she asked, and he appreciated the opening.

"Yes," he replied, then, gathering his resolve, "I'm bringing someone." CC smiled and tilted her head to the side.

"Whoever you've been texting so much recently?"

"The fuck do you mean?!" CC said nothing, and Lelouch tried not to feel too found out. "Was it that obvious?"

"When you get a text and then proceed to get so high you can barely stand up? Yes."

"Fuck you," he replied without conviction, running his fingers through his hair. "Do you know who it is, too?"

"No, but I assume you're about to tell me." She was still smiling, and Lelouch gathered his courage.

"It's, well it's Suzaku." It seemed he'd actually taken her by surprise, because her smile vanished and her golden eyes widened so much her eyebrows disappeared into her bangs.

"Suzaku Kururugi?"

"How many other Suzakus do we know?!"

"Outside of anime? None," replied CC, fairly, ignoring his snotty tone. "How the fuck did that happen?" Lelouch bit down on the inside of his lip and looked away, his face growing hot. He took a breath in, then explained to his knees how they'd run into each other at the little coffee shop on Lexington Avenue, how they'd texted back and forth and hung out twice since then.

"Sorry for not telling you sooner, I-" but CC just cupped the side of his face and gently lifted his gaze to hers. He started, then stared back at her challengingly. However, she just asked, softly,

"How are you feeling?" Lelouch bit his lip, then took gentle hold of her wrist.

"I don't know," he said, which was true. He squeezed her wrist and she rubbed her thumb tenderly under his eye.

"Understandable." Lelouch nodded, and she took her hand away. "I'm curious to meet him."

"Be nice," he told her, and she smiled.

"Have you told Kallen?" she asked next, unmuting the TV and picking up her controller.

"Not yet," he replied, with as much dignity as he could.

"I wouldn't put it off."

"I know," snapped Lelouch. He'd told CC what had happened between him and Suzaku the same night he'd gotten kicked out of his father's house, and she'd been quiet and sympathetic and supportive. When he'd told Kallen a few months later, she'd been righteously angry, and… Lelouch blushed, got to his feet and walked slowly into the kitchen where he'd left his phone.

Shortly after Kallen's nineteenth birthday, she'd texted everyone that she needed to blow off steam after a fight with her father over his intention to divorce her mother. Mao had stepped up at once and found them a warehouse party in Long Island City and supplied them with blow and ecstasy. Lelouch could still remember the flashing lights and pounding bass, Shirley gushing about how much she loved them all, Rivalz's stupefied expression as Milly and CC had done lines off each other, making out with some guy to see if his feelings for Suzaku were the rule or the exception.

His body had responded as much as it ever did (the drugs definitely helped) but he was positive it'd be better with Suzaku. Suzaku wouldn't be this aggressive (or maybe he wouldn't mind if it were Suzaku) or this clumsy, and at that thought the guy's tongue down his throat felt like an intubation tube.

He pulled out of their kiss, and the guy immediately went for his neck instead. Lelouch turned and realized Kallen was right beside him, looking high and bored, grinding up against another random guy. He caught her eye and they reached for each other, clasped hands and pulled each other away from their failed distractions.

"Let's get some air!" Lelouch called over the noise. Kallen nodded and they pulled each other through the crowd and out the back of the warehouse.

It was freezing, but a relief after the hot, sweaty crowd. The street was desolate except for other party goers smoking and talking and kissing. At the end of the block, a lone streetlight flickered and random windows in other warehouses glowed like singular eyes, barely brighter than the moon above, which was blurred by clouds. There was a black storage container a little ways away from the scratched up door, and Kallen and Lelouch climbed onto it and rested their backs against the side of the building, the base throbbing in their lungs. They were still holding hands.

"Tonight's not exactly going how I wanted," Kallen murmured, after a moment, her chest rising and falling with her shallow breath.

"No," agreed Lelouch, his heart hurting him, doubly so for how fucked up he was. Suzaku should have been here with them, dancing and laughing and partying, but he was on the other side of the world with someone else. The future Lelouch had been mourning and what it meant to him welled up inside him and he pressed the heel of his hand between his eyes, trying to fight it-

"Lelouch? Are you okay?" Kallen asked, still holding his other hand and turning to face him.

"What? Yeah of course, sorry. It's just the drugs." However, Kallen seized his other wrist and pulled his hand away from his face. Her eyes shone earnestly in the flickering street light, mesmerising in his intoxication, then the whole image blurred as his eyes filled with tears. "Sorry, I-"

"It's okay, tell me what happened!"

By the time he'd finished telling the story, their sweat had chilled and they were both shivering, but it didn't bother them. Kallen had her arm around him and he was gripping her knee.

"I'm so sorry," she told him, more gently than he'd ever heard her speak.

"I feel like I'm grieving someone who's still alive," said Lelouch.

"I feel like that all the time, and it's horrible," replied Kallen. Again, her face swam before him in the sea of drugs and tears.

"Do you want to stay with me tonight?" he asked, suddenly, because her strength and presence soothed him as nothing else had. However, as he stared into her face, he realized the implication. "Not like-"

"I know," Kallen interrupted, and though she only looked pained for a second, that second was enough to break Lelouch's heart.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have, I just-"

"It's okay, chill out," said Kallen. "I'll stay with you." She smiled, and Lelouch smiled too. "Let's get the fuck out of here." They went back inside the warehouse, found Mao and CC and told them they were leaving, trusting them to pass the message on to everyone else. Lelouch gave Kallen his jacket and she held her switchblade ready underneath it as they made their way to the F train, which of course wouldn't arrive for another twenty minutes. They stood halfway down the platform, and Kallen took his hand again. Lelouch gave it a squeeze, still thinking of Suzaku in weird flashes, as though he were receiving the memories from a badly tuned radio. "Your friend really didn't know how you felt?" asked Kallen, after a while.

"If he did, he didn't care," said Lelouch, his throat constricting around the painful words.

"Well he's stupid to get married so young regardless," Kallen pressed on. "I didn't know people still did that, like, what's he trying to prove?!"

The train trundled slowly into the station, saving Lelouch the trouble of answering, and they took it to Second Avenue, then walked East to CC's apartment on Avenue C, though of course, it had also been Lelouch's apartment since December. He unlocked the front door and they stepped into the rather dingy hallway, then climbed the stairs to the second floor, the overhead light flickering sadly.

Lelouch unlocked the door to their apartment, dark except for the floodlight outside the window that faced the airshaft and silent except for their upstairs neighbors having a party that made the ceiling vibrate. They stepped over the threshold and out of their shoes, and Lelouch shut the door and dead bolted it, watching Kallen's silhouette.

"You can sleep in my bed, I'll take the couch," he told her. Kallen bit her lip, hesitated a moment, then stood on tiptoe to kiss him softly on the lips.

"Is that…?" she started to ask, but then Lelouch's arms were around her and they were kissing passionately before either of them realized what was happening. It was sloppy, but he enjoyed it as much as he ever did, though he wasn't sure if that was just the ecstasy, but the orgasms were nice and it felt good to fall asleep spooning her.

They woke up the next morning in varying states of serotonin withdrawal, but it wasn't as bad as it might have been, and conveyed with just a look that this would never happen again and that they wouldn't tell anyone, then went to get breakfast.

From the kitchen, Lelouch watched CC navigate Ortion Cavern as Asch for a moment, the dungeon's sad music echoing through the living room, then picked up his phone from the counter and texted Kallen.

hey give me a call when you're off work?

The meeting had long since dissolved into idle banter, Lloyd and Gino and another coworker, Anya, leading the charge, while Cecille tried valiantly to get them back on track and Suzaku grew increasingly impatient. If they actually accomplished what the meeting was supposed to, he could leave early for the Museum of Sex. His stomach hitched at the thought, but he'd been looking forward to it since Saturday morning, when he'd told Euphy on a weird mix of anxiety and spite.

That sounds exciting!

I'm glad you're getting out there and exploring

The spite immediately eclipsed the anxiety, and he'd replied,

thanks, me too

and tossed his phone onto his couch. Wasn't she at least a little hurt by this? How was she so okay pushing him away? Supposedly they'd taken this time apart to figure out what they were going to do, not affirm their desire to split up! Or maybe this was something she thought he'd wanted but hadn't brought up? They'd never done anything really kinky when they'd still been sleeping together, but he was never dissatisfied. Indeed, he could still remember their last time perfectly.

Some spring night, Suzaku was lying in bed, scrolling endlessly on his phone with Arthur curled up at his feet. "Suzaku?" he looked up to see Euphy climbing into bed beside him, dressed in a white cotton nightgown, her long hair falling about her shoulders. He hastily put his phone on the bedside table and turned to face her.

"Sorry, I wasn't trying to ignore you, I-" But she just smiled and kissed him on the lips, and not one of her usual quick pecks of late, but deeply, with intent, and his body and heart responded at once.

He liked sex. He liked feeling connected, he liked making Euphy feel good, he liked being in his senses, and though it didn't last as long as he would have liked, he came harder than he ever did by himself, staring deeply into her eyes. He'd fallen asleep with her lying across his chest, confident their dry spell was over.

"Suzaku?" asked Cecille, bringing him back to the meeting turned bullshit session. "Will you look at these plans with me and tell me what you think?"

"Yes of course," he replied at once, grateful for the distraction. Cecille ran her finger along the bottom of her iPad and they bent over it together, while everyone else laughed and joked around them. He knew ASEEC was thriving, but since arriving he had no idea how, given everything was so casual. Though of course, he'd always been told he was too serious, especially in his university days. Back then, however, he hadn't cared what anyone had had to say.

He often thought his and Euphy's years in university together were the happiest of his life, aside from those as Lelouch's best friend. With her parents' help, they'd rented a modest apartment off campus and worked hard at their studies during the week, then spent their weekends in, for want of a better term, domestic bliss. It had felt so intimate, both physically and emotionally, and secure in a way he'd never known. Living in his father's house had always felt like something to be performed, especially after their big fight, and he could only really relax when Lelouch was there, effortlessly confident and self-assured. However, that security was always fleeting, and the knowledge that they'd soon be separated again constantly shadowed them like a cruel predator. He thought he'd never have to feel that way again if he and Euphy got married, it was part of the reason he'd been so keen to ask her, but now he realized how naive he'd been.

"Suzaku?" Euphy asked, a week after they'd last slept together, over the dinner she'd cooked because he'd been working late.

"Mm?"

"I need to talk to you."

"What's wrong?" he asked, taken aback by her expression and tone. Euphy took a deep breath in and sighed it out, her eyes softening, though she still looked completely serious.

"I think," she began, taking his hand across their dining table. "I've started to question our situation."

"What do you mean?" he asked, feeling his insides disappear.

"Our relationship," she said, bravely. "I'm… I feel like we've started to… I'm not sure, but it feels like we've been in the same place for a long time, and I'm not sure if it's a place I want to stay."

"What do you mean?" Suzaku asked again.

"I still love you," she said, and he felt her hand shaking in his own, "but it's like, you're not my husband, more my best friend, and…" She trailed off, and the silence that followed was thick and tense.

"Oh," Suzaku said, simply, after a moment. He rubbed his thumb against the back of her hand. However, he knew exactly what she meant, and it was perhaps more devastating than anything she'd actually said.

"We have a meeting with a contractor in a few weeks to discuss it further," said Cecille, "so we'll have time to wrangle Lloyd into putting a proposal together." She laughed rather despairingly, and Suzaku forced a smile as Lloyd finally looked over.

"Wrangle Lloyd into what?"

"Into putting a proposal together for when we meet with the contractor."

"Oh! Yes, definitely!" He then addressed Suzaku. "You clearly keep her sane, normally she'd be screaming at me. Are you sure you have to leave us in six months?" Suzaku forced a laugh. He'd been sure when he took this contract that he'd return to Tokyo after it was up, but what would he be going back to if Euphy really had had such a nice time with this other man? Their friends he barely spoke to? His parents? "We'll just have to make you a good full time offer, won't we?" Suzaku just smiled and nodded, wanting more than anything to go see Lelouch, learn about kink and distract himself.

Lelouch answered Kallen's call on the first ring, rushing down the hallway into his bedroom. "Hello?"

"Hey, what's up?" she asked, slightly breathlessly. An ambulance sped past her and Lelouch took the phone away from his ear. "Fuck me, hang on!" The siren gave one last screech before fading into the background. "Sorry. What happened, is everything okay?"

"Yeah it's nothing serious, I just," Lelouch paced back and forth across his bedroom, trying to figure out the best way to say it. He wasn't scared of Kallen's reaction, and even if he were, that wasn't a legitimate reason not to tell her, but he knew she wouldn't like it. Therefore, "I just have something to tell you and you're not gonna like it." Lelouch could picture her face clearly, her eyes narrowing and jaw clenching, and he knew a rush of affection for her.

"Well I have to go home and change before this teaching gig, so I don't have tons of time."

"Sorry." Lelouch paused and stared out of his window at what was shaping up to be a beautiful evening. He took a deep breath in, then told Kallen the same story he'd told CC. She didn't say anything except the occasional "Mmhmm" and "Right…" until he finished, then,

"I don't not like it," she said, much more kindly than he'd expected. However, before he could say anything else, "So I finally get to meet him?"

"Don't start…"

"Are you telling me not to start?" They shared a laugh, then she asked, very seriously, "For real though, are you okay?" Lelouch closed his eyes for a moment.

"It's weird," he said, slowly. "It feels like no time's passed but also that everything is totally different. Does that make sense?"

"It makes total sense," Kallen reassured him. "I mean, everything is totally different, after what happened between you, especially if he and his wife are splitting up."

"I don't know that they're actually splitting up," said Lelouch, flushing. "He just said-"

"Okay but regardless," Kallen interrupted, "you guys still have a lot to talk about and talking about feelings fucking sucks."

"Yeah," Lelouch agreed, nodding even though she couldn't see him. He stared out of his window for a moment. He wanted to ask her more, but every question felt so adolescent and needy. "Are you sure you aren't upset at me for bringing Suzaku to this event?" "Do you think we can actually get back to where we were?" "Do you think this is all a mistake?" So instead he just asked, "How's your mom?" He knew she was rolling her eyes.

"I already told you she's in the rehab facility, so nothing new to report."

"I'm sorry…"

"Thanks." A moment's silence passed. "Well I've gotta get on the train, I'll see you soon."

"You will." They said their goodbyes and hung up. Lelouch sighed and tossed his phone onto his bed, thinking.

He supposed he felt better for having told Nunnally, CC and Kallen, but it seemed to make the question of when his and Suzaku's falling out would come up much more immediate, which was terrifying. He wished they could just move forward without talking about it, because even if Suzaku and his wife were having trouble, he had no desire whatsoever to tell him why he'd cut him off. He was fine suppressing his true feelings if it meant he could stay close to him. That had always been his MO and would likely continue to be his MO unless something catastrophic happened, which was never a guarantee, but…

He shook his head, then went into his bathroom to start getting ready for the event. At least when he was Zero, he could hide behind a professional boundary, and Zero was better at keeping feelings at bay, anyway.

Suzaku had never been to the Museum of Sex before, though he remembered walking past it with Lelouch during their summers together, and he couldn't help but feel like a mischievous teenager as he pushed the door open. His chest grew hot under his work suit and winter coat as he took in the bright white walls of the gift shop, the colorful lingerie, the fetish gear and sex toys on display, but he proceeded bravely towards the reception desk.

"Hi, welcome in!" a sales associate called to him while helping a customer with nipple clamps. Suzaku tried to say, "Hi!" back, but felt rather like he had lockjaw.

"Hello," said the young woman behind the desk when he finally made it. "How can I help you?"

"H-hi," he replied, unsticking his jaw and trying valiantly for a smile. "I'm here for…"

"The Black Rebellion Bondage event?"

"Yes, that." She beamed.

"Great! You can go right downstairs."

"Thank you." He descended the staircase next to the desk below a large neon heart, his stomach twisting.

Unlike the gift shop, downstairs was painted all black and softly lit. Black leather couches were set in two semicircles in the middle of the room, and on the far right wall was a bar. Suzaku looked around awkwardly for a moment, unsure what to do, when,

"You must be Suzaku," came a soft voice from right next to him, making him jump. He turned and faced none other than CC, holding an iPad to her chest and watching him with the penetrating golden eyes he recognized from Instagram.

"Yes, and you're CC, right?" She smiled.

"I am. Let me check you in." She slid her fingers up and down the screen of her iPad, and Suzaku took in her appearance more thoroughly. Her long green hair was braided in front of her left shoulder and she wore a simple, form hugging black dress and heels so high she was almost as tall as him. "Just tick all the boxes and sign here for me." Suzaku did so, and CC smiled. "Thank you. Coat check is there," she indicated, "and Lelouch and Kallen should be around here somewhere."

"Thanks," Suzaku replied, managing a smile. He checked his coat and work bag with the smiling young woman in the booth across from the bar, then returned to CC, feeling rather exposed.

"Are you-" CC started to ask, but at that moment Lelouch and Kallen appeared, carrying cardboard boxes. "Oh, there they are." She approached them, her red bottomed high heels clicking against the floor, and Suzaku hastened to follow. Lelouch looked rather startled for a second at the sight of them together, but collected himself.

"I see you two have already met," he said, half inquiring, half suspicious. CC's mouth twitched.

"We have." Lelouch rolled his eyes and set the box he was carrying on the nearest black leather couch, then snatched the other from Kallen's arms and placed it beside it. Kallen raised her eyebrows at CC, whose mouth twitched again. "Suzaku, this is Kallen, my other partner in crime."

"Nice to meet you," said Kallen, extending her hand. She was dressed in black jeans, Dr. Martens and a button down open to expose her shoulders and cleavage with a corset around her waist. Although she was smiling, Suzaku knew he was being sized up, and as he shook her hand, he wondered what she and CC knew about him, or their falling out, if anything, then wondered if that was ridiculous.

"You too," he said, then, determined to make a good impression, "I saw your performance, you were amazing." He recalled viscerally the way she'd seized the front of Lelouch's shirt with the hand he'd just shaken. Almost as if she knew what he was thinking, Kallen tilted her head to the side, but all she said was,

"Thank you. Were you there, or?"

"Oh no," replied Suzaku, trying and failing not to go red. "No, I watched the livestream on Instagram."

"Diethard will be thrilled," CC said sardonically. "Anyway," she tucked her iPad under one arm and took a stick on name tag from one cardboard box and a sharpie from the other, then told Suzaku, "Write your name and something people can ask you about."

"Something what?" Suzaku asked, bemusedly.

"It's not that serious," Lelouch cut in, gesturing at his own name tag stuck to the dark gray waistcoat he wore over a black button down with slim fitting black dress pants. It said "Zero, ask me about chess" in Lelouch's cursive. Suzaku smiled.

"It's just an ice breaker since people come up in here mad shy," said Kallen, shrugging.

"How strange," said Suzaku, sarcastically, and Kallen actually laughed.

"Our friend Rivalz once wrote 'ask me about my time in the Survey Corps' and walked out with three phone numbers," she told him, and Lelouch, Suzaku and CC all laughed.

At that moment, a woman in her '40s with long dark hair appeared at the bottom of the stairs, and all four of them looked around. She was one of Lelouch's private clients, and he was about to go greet her, but CC said, "I got this," and headed over. Kallen hesitated a moment, then snatched up the boxes and followed, calling,

"I'll see you two later," over her shoulder.

Lelouch and Suzaku faced each other and exchanged a rather awkward smile. "Are you okay so far? Seriously," asked Lelouch.

"So far so good," replied Suzaku, and it was true now that Lelouch was there.

"Do you want a drink?"

"Oh, yeah sure."

Lelouch led Suzaku over to the bar, and he immediately recognized one of the bartenders as the dark haired model from their performance. She smiled widely at Lelouch, then looked Suzaku up and down with a keen interest that made him blush. "Hello," she began, but,

"Watch yourself," Lelouch said, suddenly switching to his work voice, low and commanding and charismatic. Suzaku had never heard him speak that way before and felt goosebumps erupt up his arms as he and the bartender snapped their gazes to him. "That's my special guest you're grilling." Her eyes widened.

"Yes, Zero," she replied, quietly, before asking, "What can I get you?"

"Water," Lelouch told her, still in his work voice.

"Whiskey on the rocks," said Suzaku, still watching Lelouch. She nodded, poured their drinks, then slid them across the bar.

"Very good," said Lelouch, decadently, and the bartender blushed and Suzaku shuddered again. They picked up their drinks, Lelouch said, "Come this way," in his normal tone, and they made their way back to the entrance, some newly arrived attendees approaching the bar in their wake. "What's up?" Lelouch asked, quietly.

"What? Nothing," replied Suzaku, taking a hasty sip of his drink. Lelouch raised his eyebrows. "Just… is it all right for you to talk to her like that?" Lelouch wondered what he actually meant, but didn't want to push it.

"Oh yeah, we've discussed it all before," he replied, as though it were obvious. Suzaku tried to imagine how such a conversation would go, but then just shook his head and drank more whiskey, looking around at all the people arriving. Some were by themselves, others were coupled up, a few people were dressed in obvious fetish gear while the majority wore work and street clothes. There was a general feeling of excitement in the air, though Suzaku could tell he wasn't the only person in the room feeling out of place. "Here," said Lelouch, taking a sharpie and blank nametag out of the boxes Kallen had left on the floor and holding them out to him.

"Oh, right…" Suzaku took them, then handed his drink to Lelouch before turning and pressing the tag against the nearest wall. He wrote, as neatly as possible, "Suzaku" and then, "Ask me about spin kicks."

"That's perfect," said Lelouch, and Suzaku smiled at the praise. He peeled off the back of the tag, then pressed the sticky side to his chest.

"Zero," he said, taking his drink back from Lelouch. "Where'd you get that name from, anyway?" Lelouch smirked.

"Well, as I'd just been disowned and left with nothing, it felt appropriate."

"Oh," said Suzaku, rather sadly, but Lelouch just waved the word aside and continued,

"I thought about Outis, you know, 'no one' from The Odyssey, but my Greek pronunciation is tragic, or Nemo, the Latin word, because I agree fully with Captain Nemo's stance on imperialism, but most people would just think of the Pixar movie, so in the end I decided on Zero." Suzaku laughed affectionately.

"I like it." Lelouch's eyes widened for a second, but then he smiled.

"I-"

"Zero! Come over here and help me with something, please?"

"Sorry," Lelouch told Suzaku, then crossed the room to go see what Kallen and CC wanted.

Suzaku watched him go, trying not to feel too awkward and exposed on his own. He sipped his drink and kept his eyes on Lelouch, watching him at work, talking and smiling at the attendees, charismatic as ever. He'd been like that as long as Suzaku had known him, having an uncanny ability to draw people to him, but just as often create massive conflict between them.

"I fucking hate Valentine's Day," he'd once told Suzaku over Skype, they must have been… fifteen?

"Oh yeah?" Suzaku replied, raising his eyebrows and preparing for an onslaught of cynicism and social commentary.

"Yeah! Two girls asked me out at school today, then got into an argument even though I turned them both down." He looked both confused and indignant, which made Suzaku laugh. "It's not funny!"

"Yeah it is!"

"I turned both of them down, I felt bad enough as it was!"

"Oh no, what a problem to have…" groaned Suzaku, very sarcastically.

"You know what-"

When they'd been best friends, Lelouch had gotten asked out quite a bit by both women and men, but Suzaku had never known him to say yes to anyone. He wondered if that was still true. He hadn't mentioned seeing someone, but had he ever started dating, or at least hooking up with people? He said he didn't get off on his job, but was there that one client with whom he did feel something? He thought about how the bartender had smiled at him, how she'd reacted to his words, or maybe… His eyes darted to CC and Kallen, his "partners in crime," and his stomach contracted. He wouldn't blame Lelouch in the slightest if that was what was going on, but…

"Attention please!" Lelouch called over the chattering crowd in his work voice, and everyone fell silent at once. "We've got everyone checked in, we'll be getting started in about ten minutes! If you'd like to get a drink, now's a great time! Just remember, if you're too drunk, you can't consent and we will ask you to leave, so be mindful!" Suzaku looked down into his half empty glass and blushed.

"Are you here for rope or impact?" CC asked, appearing suddenly beside him. Suzaku started and the corner of her mouth twitched. "I didn't get to ask before and Lelouch couldn't be bothered to let me know." Suzaku just stared at her, the question taking its sweet time making its way from his ears to his brain. She tilted her head to the side. "You get both lessons, this is just to decide which you get first." Heat rushed up Suzaku's neck and he rubbed the back of his head.

"I mean… Well this isn't really my thing, I was just curious." CC actually smiled and leaned in closer.

"If you're just here for Lelouch, that's fine too." The heat rushed further up to flood Suzaku's face, but CC had the compassion not to push it.

"Come sit here," she said, leading him over to the semicircle of couches on the right side of the room. There was a table in the center with several bundles of rope displayed neatly behind a sign that said "PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH." Suzaku sat down, still holding his half empty glass, and CC disappeared into the crowd.

A couple a few years older than Suzaku took the seats nearest him. They gave him a curious look up and down, then the woman smiled and leaned across her partner to address him. "Spin kicks? Are you a martial artist?" It took Suzaku a moment to realize what she meant, but then,

"Oh, I'm sorry! No, I just practice in my free time."

"Cool," she said, and Suzaku supposed she was right.

"What type of martial arts?" asked her partner.

"I started with kendo as a kid, then branched out from there," replied Suzaku, his stomach twisting. His father had put him in lessons to teach him discipline, though their big fight had been much more effective. He'd learned immediately and explicitly that growing up meant keeping secrets and sparing feelings, for which discipline was essential.

"Which do you like best?" The woman asked, and though their conversation continued, Suzaku wasn't really paying attention. He remembered his mother calling him selfish for telling her about his father, and now he had to be fine with his wife dating someone else because she'd told him explicitly. Telling the truth had cost him his relationship with his parents, he didn't want to do the same with his wife, but how was this any better? However, at that thought, he remembered very suddenly a conversation with Lelouch about this very topic.

The same summer they'd gone to the festival drunk, they'd taken the train down to his family's beach house in Izu, and as was their custom, snuck out at night to hang out by the ocean. The air was warm and salty and the crashing waves reflected the moon and stars shining brightly above them.

"It's so weird seeing the sky without light pollution," said Lelouch, walking side by side with Suzaku.

"Yeah," he agreed, happily, kicking out as a wave lapped over his foot, sending glittering drops of water flying like tiny diamonds. "I wanna go somewhere even darker than this, though. The Arctic or South America or Africa, where you can see the whole Milky Way." Lelouch smiled, his pale skin almost as bright as the moon.

"I'll go with you as long as we can stay some place with running water and electricity."

"Yes, Your Majesty." Lelouch shoved Suzaku, which did nothing, and Suzaku shoved him back and sent him flying, then caught him by the arm before he could actually fall.

"I fucking hate you," snapped Lelouch, but Suzaku grinned.

"No you don't, you love me! I'm your best friend!" Lelouch wrenched his arm out of Suzaku's grip.

"Yeah yeah…" He held his forearm to his chest and rubbed it protectively. "Suzaku?"

"What's up?" Lelouch's expression was suddenly strange in the moonlight.

"Do you think it's right to keep secrets from people if it's for their own good?" Suzaku furrowed his brow as a wave washed over his feet and ankles.

"Are you keeping a secret or is this a general question?"

"I meant just generally," replied Lelouch, a little too quickly, but then he recovered himself. "On some real shit though, what do you think?"

"Good evening," said Lelouch in his work voice, taking his place in front of his audience with a pretty blonde woman Suzaku recognized as another model from their show. He bit down on the inside of his lip as Lelouch began talking about consent, about feeling safe, about talking as much as you needed to, while the model gave him a glowing look. Suzaku barely heard the words as the memories seemed to drape over the current scene, the salty night air masking the electric lights and tension, seventeen year old Lelouch looking both defiant and anxious overlaying him relaxed and confident at twenty nine.

"I mean, sometimes definitely," said Suzaku, thinking of his parents. Lelouch must have made the connection because his eyes widened and he opened his mouth, but Suzaku forestalled him. "But I think when people say it's for someone's own good it's usually for their own protection, not the other person's." Lelouch bit his lip and looked away. "I mean, it depends, but-"

"No," Lelouch interrupted. His expression was strange in the moonlight.

"Hey," Suzaku started to say, stepping forward, but,

"You're right," said Lelouch, simply, which stopped Suzaku dead in his tracks. They stared at each other for a moment, then Suzaku asked,

"Can I hear that again?"

"Shut up."

Lelouch was now explaining the different ropes, the materials, lengths and weights. The model expressed her preference, loudly, which made everyone laugh.

"I hate how the sand sticks to my feet," Lelouch complained, as they started to make their way back to the beach house.

"City kids," sighed Suzaku, shaking his head.

"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize Tokyo was so rural!" Lelouch shot back, but Suzaku just grinned.

"I'll carry you, get on my back."

"What?"

"Seriously! It'll be good conditioning!" Lelouch rolled his eyes, but agreed, and Suzaku bent down so he could wrap his arms around his neck. "Jump up!" Lelouch did so, and Suzaku gripped his thighs and held them tight to his waist.

"Don't drop me," Lelouch commanded quietly in his ear.

"I won't, I promise!" They didn't speak the rest of the way back to the house, and though Suzaku was concentrating on keeping his footing in the sand, he smiled when he felt Lelouch rest his face against his upper back. His best friend, the person who mattered to him most in the world, who knew him better than anyone.

"Is that okay?" Lelouch asked his model, over and over, as he placed a loop of purple rope over her head and tied equally spaced knots down her front, in between explaining the nuances and intricacies, though it seemed to Suzaku he was asking "Do you think it's right to keep secrets from people if it's for their own good?" Thinking about it now, Suzaku still agreed with what he'd said, even though it didn't really answer Lelouch's question, because even if the "for their own good" was actually for the secret keeper's self preservation, was that really so bad?

"So that's a diamond harness," said Lelouch, and the model turned on the spot for everyone to admire his handiwork. The audience broke into applause, Suzaku joining in a beat late. "And from here there's a lot you can do, but you'll have to take another class for that." He smiled invitingly and the crowd laughed. "If you want to try for yourself, here's the rope, and if you have any questions, CC and I will be around."

Immediately, the bravest audience members stepped forward to pick up lengths of rope, while others, including Suzaku, hung back to watch. Lelouch caught his eye, and they smiled at each other. However, something didn't feel right, though Lelouch couldn't say what, both because Zero was always cool and detached and because Suzaku had always been good at hiding his feelings.

When they were younger, all emotions, positive and negative, had burst from him in fits of aggression or else seeped out of him in undifferentiated moodiness. However, from that first summer he'd spent here in New York, he'd hidden everything under a polite smile. Until of course some switch would get tripped and he'd explode, like the night they'd stayed up talking and he'd told Lelouch about his parents. Lelouch had prided himself on being able to tell when an explosion was coming, but after so many years apart, his inner seismograph didn't seem to work as well.

However, Lelouch couldn't focus on Suzaku at that moment; he had guests to attend to. He answered questions, corrected people where they were going wrong with tension and knot placement and, most importantly, kept alert for any signs of discomfort from anyone.

"Zero!" Kallen called, after about a half hour. Lelouch knew she just wanted to check in, and indulged her while CC saw to their guests.

"What?" he asked, crossing the room to join her at the other semicircle of couches.

"Are you okay?" she asked, in a low voice.

"I'm fine," he told her, then, "seriously," when she looked unconvinced.

"Good," she replied, then, louder so everyone around could hear, "I think it's time we switched, don't you?"

"Yes," agreed Lelouch, loudly, then turned to address their guests. "Is everyone feeling warmed up?" A few people applauded, while others cried,

"Yes!"

"Definitely!"

"Good," said Lelouch, smirking. "We'll take five, then switch sides. If you started with rope, it's time to learn impact, if you started with impact, it's time to learn rope." Everyone hurried to grab more drinks and switch sides, blushing and talking excitedly. Resisting the urge to go talk to Suzaku, Lelouch returned to his side of the room and began to tie the ropes up in bundles again. However, he watched him out of the corner of his eye until he had to face his new audience.

On the other side of the room, Kallen stepped up and faced her own new audience, the male model from their show at her side. She smiled and said, "Hello," in a low, sultry voice that made the hair on the back of Suzaku's neck stand up. She gave the same speech as Lelouch about consent, safety and communication, though again, he wasn't really listening.

"Do you think I'm selfish?" he'd asked Lelouch, after telling him about his parents that night in his bedroom. Lelouch shook his head.

"No," he assured him, wiping away more tears with his thumbs. "You were just trying to look out for her, right?" Suzaku sniffed and nodded. "Nakanaide," he said again, and Suzaku burst into more tears.

Regardless of his intentions, he wished he'd just kept his mouth shut.

"So we've got several floggers here," said Kallen, still in that sultry voice, gesturing at the table in front of her, "and of course, with permission, you can always use your hands." She explained about the different types of floggers, their composition and weight, and the model expressed his preference enthusiastically. "Hand it to me, then." He picked up a thin, bamboo cane, and presented it to her. "Good boy," she told him, and he flushed and bent over, his hands on the table. "Ready?"

"Yes…" Kallen's eyes flashed as she drew back, then smacked him hard on the ass. The model closed his eyes in an ecstatic expression.

"Good boy," Kallen said again, and as she explained how to hold your wrist and the physics of hitting someone with a bamboo cane versus a riding crop versus a whip versus a cat o' nine tails, Suzaku thought the praise was the only part that really appealed to him. Although he understood liking pain intellectually, the ropes made much more sense. He liked the idea of feeling supported, contained, held.

He watched Kallen smack her model one more time, then set down the cane and help him to his feet, smiling and whispering into his ear. After a moment, he turned and raised his arms, and everyone applauded.

"Thank you," said Kallen, her eyes flashing. "That's the demonstration, so if you'd like to come play…" She stepped away from the table of floggers. "I'll be here if you have any questions." Everyone got to their feet at once, clearly emboldened by the first demonstration and alcohol. Suzaku just sighed heavily and finished his drink, then went back to the bar to give the glass back. As he passed Lelouch and his audience, he caught his eye, and he gave him a tiny, understanding nod. Relief flooded Suzaku's chest as he set his empty glass on the bar, and Lelouch was at his side the second he was able.

"Are you all right?" he asked, in a low voice.

"I'm fine," Suzaku replied, more relief flooding his chest. Lelouch narrowed his eyes slightly.

"Let's go over here," he said, as more people swarmed the bar, and they crossed the room to a far corner where Lelouch could still see everything going on but they could speak relatively privately. "Are you okay?" Lelouch asked, discretely. Suzaku nodded and breathed deeply, grateful to be back at Lelouch's side again.

"I'm fine, don't worry." Lelouch hesitated, then asked,

"What do you think?"

"This is all really interesting," said Suzaku, even though he'd barely heard anything either Lelouch or Kallen had said.

"Interesting?" Suzaku nodded, realizing it was true. He thought again of being supported and held by the ropes, how comfortable and relaxed the model had looked. He thought too of the rope Lelouch had tied around his wrist, how much care and attention he'd put into it, and wondered yet again how it'd feel around his chest, his hips, his thighs… "How so?" Lelouch asked, ignoring his heart speeding up.

"I, well-" but at that moment a resounding SMACK cut through the air, snapping them back to the proceedings. Kallen had struck one of the guests with a cat o' nine tails, sending a shockwave out through the audience. "Oh my god," said Suzaku, simultaneously fascinated and horrified.

"She goes in," replied Lelouch, as though commenting on the weather. His lip curled. "She once backhanded our friend Mao so hard I think his soul left his body for a second."

SMACK

"Why did she do that?" asked Suzaku, genuinely concerned, but Lelouch laughed.

"Oh he totally deserved it, don't worry."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. This was years ago. We were all drinking at someone's house, her face got really red and Mao is obnoxious so he," he turned to Suzaku and placed his fingers gently against his cheek. He hadn't meant anything by it, he always did this when telling the story, but Suzaku's eyes widened and he suddenly felt self conscious. However, he continued on, refusing to show it. Zero was never self conscious. "So he touches her cheek and goes, 'it's like a sunburn!' and she just decked him in the face." He took his hand away and curled his fingers into his palm.

"Okay that's fair," laughed Suzaku, though the spot on his cheek Lelouch had touched was now burning as though he himself had been out in the sun all day.

"Told you." They smiled at each other, then, "What were you going to say?

SMACK

"What? Oh…" Suzaku looked down at Lelouch's hands, his long fingers curled into his palms, then up into his face. His expression was receptive, almost soft, and for a moment all Suzaku saw was his thirteen year old self in his childhood bedroom, listening to him talk and hugging him as he cried. The need he'd been ignoring since Euphy had told him she wasn't happy, or maybe since he and Lelouch had stopped speaking, welled up inside him and spilled forth in the only way that made sense. "I want to try it." Lelouch's heart leapt into his throat, but he swallowed and was able to maintain his composure.

"What do you mean?" Suzaku's heart was now beating excitedly, as though something had shifted in his chest to give it more room.

"I want to try it," he said again. "The ropes, I mean." He gave a little shudder for having said it out loud, but the moment he did, he realized just how true it was. Lelouch swallowed, but still remained composed.

"Okay," he said, slowly. "We can talk to CC or-"

"No," Suzaku interrupted, firmly, staring him hard in the face. "Will you do it?"

SMACK

Heat began to simmer under Lelouch's cool professionalism, and though he did his utmost to ignore it, his mind was already racing. Why? How could he ask that? What did he want? Was he just curious or was this a ploy, and if so, for what? Lelouch's throat tightened painfully as he tried to slow his mind, remind himself that he had the easiest out in the world: "You're my friend and that's a professional boundary." However, it was clear from Suzaku's expression that his resolve was only strengthening.

SMACK

"Why me?" asked Lelouch, rather than actually answer. Suzaku looked confused that he even had to ask.

"I couldn't trust anyone but you." However, the moment he said it, both Lelouch and Suzaku wondered at the same time, 'but is that really true?' After their falling out, how could either of them know that for sure? Regardless, the closeness they used to share was now dangling tantalizingly before them. Suzaku thought of being held and supported by Lelouch again, Lelouch thought of having Suzaku all to himself again, and they both thought about being able to share something so intimate again. Surely they'd have to trust each other completely and surely what they'd build would make up for what they'd lost in the past…

"We'll need to discuss it first," said Lelouch, reverting to his go-to professional response. However, Suzaku's face lit up.

"I- well yeah I figured as much, but that's still a yes, right?" Lelouch stared into his determined face, his green eyes catching the light, and knew this was dangerous, but,

"That's a yes," he answered him, softly, and Suzaku took a deep breath in and sighed it out, beaming now.

SMACK

Lelouch and Suzaku looked around to see Kallen straighten up and their guest get to her feet. Once again, she checked in, praised her, then addressed the crowd, "Anyone else want in?" Lelouch and Suzaku laughed as more eager people got up and approached Kallen.

"Will you be gentle?" Suzaku asked in a would-be playful voice, and the heat under Lelouch's Zero mask simmered more insistantly, but again, he ignored it.

"If that's what you want," he replied, also trying for playful and mostly succeeding. Suzaku smiled and nodded. "I need to get back," Lelouch continued, nodding at his guests. "Don't take off. If you leave without saying goodbye to CC and Kallen I'll never hear the end of it." Suzaku laughed softly.

"I won't." Lelouch smiled, then turned and headed back into the crowd.

Suzaku waited a moment, then followed, and as he looked out over the room, at people talking and laughing and playing with fetish equipment, he noticed that almost everyone was now paired off. He wondered why they were there. Was this something they'd always been curious about and just needed a place to explore safely? Were they unhappy and saw this as a way to improve their relationship? Were they just friends supporting each other? Or maybe, were they just two people who'd come by themselves and teamed up in solidarity? Suzaku's eyes darted to the woman in her '40s who had arrived shortly after him, now being tied up by another guest. It might have felt lonely, but his and Lelouch's plans had kindled a comforting fire in his chest.

At that thought, he wondered if he should tell Euphy, but did it matter, since he and Lelouch were just friends?

Across the room, Lelouch took deep breaths, trying to stay in his professional role and attend to his guests, though his mind kept flashing to what he'd agreed to. What the fuck was he thinking?! Except that this could be a way to get at least some of what he wanted-

"You good?" asked Kallen, appearing suddenly beside him with CC.

"I'm fine," he replied, his tone making it clear he wasn't about to elaborate. "Let's just not let this go on too late, yes?"

"Yes," CC agreed, then addressed the room. "Hey, everybody! This is just a reminder we're going to start cleaning up in an hour, if you want to get on our mailing list for future events, come talk to me! We've got a Masquerade and Excursion coming up!"

At once she was swarmed by people, and after about twenty minutes, others, including Suzaku, began to gather their things and head out. "You out too?" Kallen asked him.

"I have work in the morning, unfortunately," he told her, "but it was nice to meet all of you, thank you for having me!"

"Of course," replied CC. "Next time you should hang out with us when we're not at work." She, Kallen and Suzaku looked to Lelouch, and though something tightened in his expression, he nodded his approval of this.

"I'd love to," said Suzaku, and he meant it. He shook CC's hand, then Kallen's, appreciating just how strong her grip was, before turning to Lelouch.

"I'll walk you out," he said, and they got Suzaku's things from the coat check, then climbed the stairs together.

It was pitch dark outside now, and all the lights in the gift shop were out except for those behind the reception desk and the red exit sign glowing above the door. They made their way through the shadowy room full of sex toys to stand by the door through which the now desolate Fifth Avenue and a security guard were visible. A moment's silence passed.

"Thanks for having me," said Suzaku again, quietly, putting on his winter coat.

"Thanks for coming." The exit sign above them cast them in an imposing red and black silhouette, but still caught the purple of Lelouch's eyes. Suzaku's chest suddenly constricted. "You were serious about the ropes, right?" he asked, hoping he wasn't being needy.

"I don't say things I don't mean," Lelouch reminded him.

"Right, so… When?" Lelouch swallowed.

"I'll have to look at my schedule, but sometime next week?"

"Yes." Lelouch hesitated a moment, then, in a taste of his work voice,

"Very good." Suzaku's eyes widened and he took a sharp breath in, the words and tone stirring up something deep inside him and leaving him with no idea how to respond. Fortunately, Lelouch spoke instead, and Suzaku figured he must be used to that. "Text me when you get home."

"I will, you do the same." They hugged each other goodbye, then Suzaku left through the glass door and disappeared into the night. Lelouch watched him go, then went back downstairs, his chest hot under his dress shirt.

Chapter Text

Lelouch stood in the middle of The Dungeon, staring at all the bundles of rope displayed on the wall beside the St. Andrew's cross, his work bag open and empty on the floor beside him. In theory he was trying to decide what to bring with him to see Suzaku, in practice he was trying not to spin out into what ifs.

He'd gone back and forth on his decision to tie for him almost from the moment he'd agreed to do it, feeling totally confident one moment only to be seized by crippling self doubt the next. Even now, after seeing clients all day and having both his abilities as a rigger and to remain detached demonstrated and affirmed, questions and fears buzzed around him like bothersome flies.

What would happen after? How would he feel? What exactly did Suzaku want?

Well, at least he could somewhat answer the last question professionally, as they'd discussed it over text when making plans.

We're going to take it slow, and I know it's difficult to say without having done this before, but are there any hard nos or limits I should be aware of?

I just don't want pain

I'm open to anything else

I understand.

Lelouch had tried to see the response through a professional lens, to remind himself that Suzaku was just another client, but the fact that they'd known each other so long and so intimately kept unearthing every possible piece of relevant information from his memory. He knew that, despite Suzaku's reaction to Kallen's impact display, he'd never been averse to physical pain, but,

"Will you be gentle?"

Lelouch shuddered and selected a bundle of cotton rope from the wall. It wouldn't hold the knots as well as hemp, but unlike hemp, it had softened from being washed. He carefully tucked it into his bag, thinking. He was sure Suzaku had meant the question as a joke, but he was also sure there was more to it. Plenty of clients came to him for care and support while dealing with something painful, or to avoid the pain altogether. The problem was, it'd inevitably come out, either while they were tied up or when discussing the session afterwards. Lelouch's stomach clenched. What, if anything, would Suzaku tell him? He was sure he'd be able to maintain professional detachment, keep his Zero mask on, but what about after? He wouldn't be able to run or deflect or get "so high he could barely stand up."

Lelouch selected more bundles of cotton rope in different colors and widths and stowed them in his bag, then straightened up and stared about The Dungeon, wondering what the fuck he thought he was doing. He'd told Kallen and CC of his plans while cleaning up on Thursday night, and they'd naturally wondered the same thing.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Kallen had asked, bluntly.

"Getting what he wants without actually having to talk about anything? Of course it's a good idea," CC put in, her lip twitching.

"It's not like that!" snapped Lelouch, even though it was. Kallen and CC exchanged a look, and he blushed, but pressed on, composedly, "I'm serious. Suzaku asked for this, not me."

"He started it!" Kallen said in a mocking tone that made CC laugh. Lelouch closed his eyes and took a deep breath in through his nose, trying to stay calm, but then Kallen continued, "You sure it wouldn't be easier to just have the fucking conversation?" Lelouch opened his eyes and found her and CC both looking at him in genuine concern. For a split second, he considered this, but,

"No." CC and Kallen exchanged another look, but said nothing further.

Lelouch zipped up his bag, wondering what exactly CC had meant by "getting what he wants." He was sure she'd just meant sex, even though he didn't fuck his clients and had no intention of telling Suzaku how he felt. He remembered being a teenager, grappling with feelings he didn't want or understand, and reaffirmed to himself that ignoring them was worth it if it meant he could be close to Suzaku.

At that thought, Lelouch picked up his phone and texted him.

I'm on my way.

Be ready.

He put on his winter coat, scarf and headphones, stepped into his shoes and left The Dungeon, work bag over his shoulder and Zero mask on.

Suzaku sat cross legged on his couch, showered and dressed in gray sweatpants and a t-shirt, listening for his buzzer with all his might. He had no idea what to expect, but he'd been daydreaming about it at work all day. He'd forgotten how good it felt to have something to look forward to. When was the last time he'd been this excited about anything? Still listening for his buzzer, he picked up his phone and reread through his and Lelouch's messages for what felt like the thousandth time.

8 pm Wednesday is perfect.

Any questions for me at the moment?

this might be stupid but what should I wear?

Great question. Wear whatever you feel comfortable in, most of my clients come in work out clothes.

okay

should I set up my apartment in any specific way?

No, no. We'll work with what's there.

Suzaku had smiled at that. It was so simple, but the consideration in it, the assurance that Lelouch would take care of everything, that Suzaku didn't have to make any extra effort, was both comforting and enticing. Then Lelouch had continued,

We're going to take it slow, and I know it's difficult to say without having done this before, but are there any hard nos or limits I should be aware of?

Suzaku had thought about this for a long time before replying. It was true, he couldn't really answer without having done it before, but as he recalled the videos he'd watched, the livestream and the education event,

I just don't want pain

I'm open to anything else

I understand.

Suzaku's smile had faltered. He'd only meant that he didn't want to be hit with something, but seeing it in writing felt like an admission. He hadn't told Lelouch anything else about what was going on between him and Euphy because he hadn't asked, but he'd always been so aware of his pain, was he selfish or deluded to hope he still was?

Suzaku's buzzer sounded and he leapt off his couch to jab the button next to the door, then opened it and stood on the threshold. His heart began to pound as he listened and watched and waited, then seemed to freeze when Lelouch appeared at the bottom of the last flight of stairs. He paused, then smiled his charismatic smile, and Suzaku was immediately aware of his power and presence.

Lelouch took off his headphones, stowed them in his bag and climbed the last flight of stairs slowly, eyes glued to Suzaku. With every step, Suzaku's grip on the doorknob tightened, his breath sped up, his weight shifted between his feet. Lelouch hadn't expected him to be this receptive already, but was pleased he'd taken his "be ready" so seriously.

Suzaku stepped out of the way and allowed Lelouch over the threshold, then shut the door quietly behind him. Lelouch stepped out of his shoes and walked into the living room without a word. He set his bag on the floor beside the coffee table, took off his coat and scarf to reveal a well tailored black suit, then sat down on the couch, arms draped over the back of it and legs crossed at the knee.

"Shut off the overhead light," said Lelouch in his work voice. Suzaku took a sharp breath in, but did so, and the soft light from the table lamp glowed warmly in Lelouch's purple eyes. "Come here." Suzaku stepped forward into the glow, realizing the simple act of being told what to do in his own home had his heart racing. He clasped his hands demurely in front of him, his chest already warm under his t-shirt. Lelouch's heart skipped, but he barely felt it under his Zero mask, all attention and focus concentrated on Suzaku. "Are you sure this is what you want?" he asked.

"Yes," Suzaku replied, firmly. Lelouch nodded.

"We're going to take it slow and feel it out," he continued. His years of experience had given him plenty to pull from, and though he could plan for days, he never really knew what he'd do until the client was in front of him. Would Suzaku want praise or degradation? Warm excitement or cold indifference? Questions or direction? They'd have to learn together. It gave Lelouch an excited little rush of professional interest, which was helpfully distracting from the fact that it was Suzaku. "Do you understand?"

"Yes," said Suzaku, shuddering at his tone. He felt suddenly like he was ar the edge of a pool of pure, still water. He couldn't see the bottom, but thought he'd like nothing better than to dive in head first. However, he waited for Lelouch's instructions.

"You can stop at any time and for any reason, no questions asked. Do you understand?"

"Yes," said Suzaku again. He stepped into the pool, sending ripples out over its glassy surface. The water was warm, and he felt his shoulders relax.

"I'll ask you 'color?' to check in throughout the scene," Lelouch continued. "Pay attention now." The command in his voice spoken so gently was beyond comforting to Suzaku. He nodded. "If you feel good about what's happening, you say 'green.'"

"Green," Suzaku repeated at once, stepping further into the water so it was up to his knees.

"Very good," said Lelouch, experimenting with warmth in his voice. Suzaku gave a little shudder, though whether it was from excitement, shame or something else, Lelouch couldn't tell yet. "If you need a moment, or aren't sure you like something, you say 'yellow.'" Suzaku swallowed.

"Yellow," he repeated in a soft sigh. The warm, pure water was now up to his waist, and he brushed its surface delicately with his fingertips.

"That's right," Lelouch said, this time with a little demand in it. Suzaku bit his lip, apparently subconsciously. Interesting… "And if you want to stop, you say 'red.'" The demand in Lelouch's voice was stronger now, and Suzaku bit down harder on his lip, the water now up to his chest, allowing his arms to float weightlessly on either side of him.

"Red," he repeated, in a small voice. Lelouch smirked and got to his feet, then stepped right up in Suzaku's space and gently took hold of his chin. He gasped, and Lelouch's gaze darted to his freed lip before fixing upon his eyes. They were already hazy in the lamplight, wanting even, and Lelouch was suddenly aware of how warm Suzaku's skin was in his grip. Thoughts and possibilities beyond his Zero mask lurked insidiously just out of reach of his conscious mind, but he stayed in control, focused and professional.

"Good," he said. "You will do exactly as I tell you when I tell you. If you question or disobey, there will be consequences. Do you understand?" Suzaku swallowed, and Lelouch felt it up his arm.

"I understand," breathed Suzaku, up to his neck in the water now.

"Good." Lelouch let go of Suzaku's chin, and he felt himself slip beneath the water at last, felt it support him completely, felt it fill his head, chest and belly. Lelouch's face swam before him, his lip twitching. "I want you on your bed and on your knees." At once, Suzaku made his shaky way to his room, climbed into bed and sat up on his knees. Fully submerged, he'd acted purely on instinct, any and all higher cognition lost to the simple understanding of "do as you're told," and he loved it. He watched Lelouch enter the room with his bag and shut the door behind him, lit from the side by the soft bedside table lamp.

Lelouch set his bag down and gave the room a quick once over, looking for anything that might be of use, but nothing was really conducive to securing. That wasn't the end of the world, though. There was still plenty to do. He unzipped his bag and extracted a bundle of white rope. He unwound it, folded it in half to find the bite, then, holding it both hands, snapped it tight. Suzaku gasped, the sound sending ripples out through the warm, pure water. Lelouch tied the first knot, then slipped the loop it made over Suzaku's head. The rope wasn't heavy, but he felt its weight push his knees into the mattress.

"Color?"

"Green…"

"Good. Hold that steady." Suzaku placed his hands on either side of the loop, pressing it into his collar bones, then watched Lelouch tie a knot just above his solar plexus, then his bellybutton, then his pubic bone, more heat building in his chest with each one. "Spread your legs." Suzaku blushed, but swallowed and did as he was told, only for all the heat in his chest to rush lower. His face burned and he looked away, but, "Watch me, Suzaku," said Lelouch, and the simultaneous threat and care in his voice was intoxicating. He swallowed, his breathing suddenly shallow, and forced his eyes open to look Lelouch in the face. They stared at each other for a moment, Suzaku's gaze needy and hazy, Lelouch's sharp and demanding. "That's right." Lelouch drew the rope through Suzaku's thighs and goosebumps erupted up his arms under his dress shirt. He ignored them and Suzaku's erection. Both were just physiological responses, the fact that it was Suzaku didn't make a difference. "Always watch me, Suzaku," Lelouch told him, threading the ends of the rope through the back of the loop and pulling them. Suzaku moaned and his thighs began to shake. "Don't look away, watch."

Suzaku cried out as Lelouch began to secure the rope, the word hitting him in a deep, unexpected place. Watch what he'd asked his best friend to do to him, watch his hands move teasingly against his chest, hips and thighs as they tied a perfect diamond harness, watch how hard it made him. Suzaku experienced a headrush as the full impact of what he'd asked for hit him, the water he was floating in suddenly turbulent. He moaned, and the sound seemed to come from deep inside him, someplace buried and suppressed and ignored. He swayed where he knelt with the force of it, pitched by the water, but then Lelouch took him by the shoulders and steadied him.

"Easy." His voice was low and commanding so he'd hear but careful and compassionate so he'd listen. However, the combination just made Suzaku moan and sway again. "Breathe," said Lelouch, looking into his friend's eyes even though they were out of focus and glassy. Suzaku swallowed, but began to take deep breaths in and out. He didn't come back to his senses, but the water calmed again, returning to its pure, still state. He felt once again like he was floating, supported by the ropes and Lelouch's voice and hands. He blinked, and Lelouch's face came into focus. He smiled and gave Suzaku's strong shoulders a squeeze. "Color?" Suzaku shivered, and Lelouch felt the sensation up his arms and into his own heart and stomach, but he ignored it.

"Green," groaned Suzaku, and his cheeks flushed and lips twitched as if he were trying to smile. "I like this." Lelouch's lip curled.

"Give me your hands."

Suzaku sank back onto his heels and offered up his hands as though begging, the ropes around him pulling tighter, making him flush deeper. Lelouch took a thinner length of cotton rope from his bag and bound Suzaku's wrists and forearms together. Suzaku's lips parted in an excited gasp, feeling further supported by every knot, every cross, every fiber.

"You like this?" Lelouch asked, quietly commanding, making Suzaku's heart skip.

"Yes," he replied, shakily.

"Good," said Lelouch, approvingly. "Lie down." He placed one hand on Suzaku's upper back and carefully guided him down, his legs now splayed out in front of him and bound arms resting on his rising and falling chest. As he moved, the ropes pulled more, shifting his clothes and pressing into his overheated skin. "Close your eyes." Suzaku did so, and all the sensations seemed to double in intensity. His toes curled, his fingers flexed and extended and his erection twitched as the ropes pulled his sweatpants tight across it.

"Oh," he moaned softly, knowing another headrush and arching against the bed.

"Color?" asked Lelouch, staring hard into Suzaku's face.

"Green!" Under his Zero mask, Suzaku's enthusiasm was like a lightning strike down his spine, but he ignored it and took a deep breath.

"Concentrate now," he exhaled. Suzaku gave a needy little moan and Lelouch saw his erection twitch out of the corner of his eye. "Concentrate," he repeated, for both of their benefits. "Find every knot." Suzaku gasped softly and, still floating in the warm, clear water, felt his mind travel outwards, pinpointing each knot that Lelouch had so carefully tied around him, each knot securing him, holding him. "Feel your heartbeat in each one." Suzaku shivered, and suddenly every knot was pulsing in a familiar rhythm, sending tiny bursts of electricity through his skin, his muscles, his bones. "Does it feel good?"

"Yes…!" The word sounded from every knot, from Suzaku's heart and his erection and that long ignored place deep inside him. He was overcome by another headrush and moaned softly again. The sound echoed in Lelouch's head, chest and belly, and he closed his eyes for a second, then watched Suzaku shiver against the bed, those thoughts lurking in his subconscious suddenly much closer to the surface, but he forced them away. He was Zero now, and Zero was always in control.

He took a step closer to the bed, watching Suzaku with renewed professional detachment. He didn't want to overwhelm him, but was sure he could take more. For a split second he considered it risky, but it'd be more risky if he stopped too soon, not to mention a disservice. Zero always delivered. "Bend your knees." Suzaku heard the command with his whole body and obeyed at once, his legs floating in the pure water to bring his feet flat onto the bed. Lelouch took another length of rope from his bag, then placed his hand on Suzaku's right knee. Suzaku's eyes flew open, and they stared each other hard in the face. "Very good," said Lelouch, before taking his hand away and undoing the bundle of rope.

"Oh…" Suzaku breathed, missing the sensation but watching, enthralled, as Lelouch tied the rope in patterns around his right leg so his calf pressed into the back of his thigh.

"Color?"

"Green…" Suzaku sighed, feeling his heartbeat in all the new knots.

"Good." Lelouch secured the end of the rope, then placed his hand on Suzaku's right knee again. "Watch, Suzaku." Suzaku swallowed, then nodded, staring down past his bound arms, chest and belly to his trembling thighs, one free and the other beautifully bound. Lelouch dug his fingertips into his right knee, and Suzaku's toes curled against the bed. "Watch," said Lelouch again, unnecessarily. He started to press Suzaku's knee out to the side, but he suddenly gasped and tried to resist, the water in which he was floating boiling again. Lelouch gripped his knee still tighter, feeling the tension up his arm. "Suzaku," he said, warning in his voice, but he bit his lip and stared up at him with wide eyes. "Open your knees," said Lelouch, the warning in his voice simmering faster. Suzaku moaned softly, still biting his lip. "Color?" Lelouch asked, just to be safe. Suzaku gave another soft moan, caught between wanting to obey and please but afraid to be exposed, another intoxicating combination.

"Green," he said, his throat suddenly burning. "I just-" Lelouch tilted his head to the side, staring into Suzaku's face.

"You just what?" he asked, gently demanding. Suzaku's chest was heaving, pulling the ropes tighter with each breath, while the water continued boiling around him. "Answer me, Suzaku." Suzaku's toes curled, and he obeyed.

"You'll see everything…" He knew yet another headrush as he said it out loud and moaned with his entire body. Lelouch took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly. He knew what Suzaku meant, but was also sure it went much deeper than that. He swallowed, still staring Suzaku hard in the face through the eyes of his Zero mask.

"Nothing I haven't seen before," he said, almost kindly, and Suzaku took a sharp breath in, but then moaned softly on his exhale and allowed Lelouch to spread his knees apart into a diamond shape. The ropes pulled tighter and pressed harder into his sensitive inner thigh. He stared at his erection clearly visible through his sweatpants, and though his face burned, he didn't close his eyes. "Very good," said Lelouch, and Suzaku threw his head back in an ecstatic moan, his erection throbbing at the praise. "Keep breathing," Lelouch continued, for both of their benefits, "and watch." Suzaku obeyed, and the longer they stayed there the easier it got, and the water returned to its clear, calm state. He was exposed, but also supported, contained, cared for, by Lelouch at his side, his hand on his inner knee the whole time.

Lelouch felt the shift and smiled approvingly, watching Suzaku melt into the ropes. He wondered what was coming up, what he was feeling and thinking, while at the same time resisting the urge to actually speculate on it. If anything, they'd talk about it after, and at that moment, Lelouch knew this was enough.

"Suzaku," he said, softly but clearly, and he looked up at him with bleary, needy eyes. "Breathe." They inhaled and exhaled together. A few moments passed of just their breath, their heartbeats, then, "I'm going to untie you now." His tone left no room for debate.

"Ah…" was all Suzaku could manage, he was still so deep underwater.

Lelouch untied his leg first, then laid it long onto the bed and gently rubbed it up and down to bring blood and feeling back to the surface of his skin, though he hadn't tied any of the knots very tightly. Suzaku moaned a little, feeling the tender touches immediately and intensely in both his heart and his erection.

Lelouch untied Suzaku's hands next, then took his time rubbing his wrists and forearms and stretching his fingers. He shouldn't have marks anywhere, and if he did they'd be gone in the morning. He then laid Suzaku's arms carefully by his sides, but the second he pulled away, Suzaku grabbed him by the wrist.

"Don't go," he moaned.

"I'm not going anywhere," Lelouch assured him, though the words made his throat burn under his Zero mask. He cleared his throat and repeated, more firmly, "I'm not going anywhere." Suzaku blinked, and though his gaze was hazy, the words were clearly reaching him. Reaching both of them. However, Lelouch just continued, "I'm going to help you sit up." Suzaku nodded, totally pliable in that moment. Lelouch sat down on the edge of the bed, slid one hand under Suzaku's back, then took hold of his hand with the other. He steadied his breathing, trying to match Suzaku's and bring him down further as he helped him sit up. Suzaku swayed a little, light headed and hot around the neck and face, the ropes still pulling against his clothes, pressing into his skin and making his erection twitch. He let out another soft groan and fell against Lelouch's shoulder. Lelouch gasped, but didn't pull away, and Suzaku breathed deeply through his nose, inhaling Lelouch's clothes, his hair, his aftershave. Goosebumps erupted up Lelouch's arms as he felt Suzaku's breath on his neck, but he ignored them, placed his hands on Suzaku's shoulders and held him back to look him in the face. "I'm going to untie you first," he said in his most commanding tone. Suzaku's eyes flickered, and he nodded.

"Yes…"

Lelouch went to work, undoing each knot and sliding the rope carefully off Suzaku's body, and as more of the weight and pressure was taken away, the containment slipped away as well. Suzaku felt himself floating back up, out of the pure, warm water, and immediately tried to resist it. He wanted to stay under with Lelouch.

"Easy," breathed Lelouch, setting the last of the rope aside. "Keep breathing." Suzaku nodded, shivering, and fell against Lelouch again. Doing everything in his power to keep his Zero mask from slipping, Lelouch wrapped his arms around Suzaku and held him close in the aftermath. Suzaku took deep breaths, then began to shudder violently. He wasn't crying, but he gasped and his chest heaved with the force of it all, with watching, with being guided, with feeling supported and cared for, it all felt so good, and it was Lelouch…

"Don't let go," Suzaku moaned, gripping the back of Lelouch's suit jacket. "Don't let go!"

"I won't," Lelouch assured him, still in his work voice. "I'm here, Suzaku, I won't let go." Under his Zero mask, he remembered their last goodbye at Narita, or maybe their first, because it never got easier…

"Don't let go…"

"I won't…"

They went back and forth like that for a long time, asking and reassuring, until Suzaku finally came back to himself. Lelouch cupped the side of his face, then eased him out of the crook of his neck. Suzaku blinked. He was so close to Lelouch, and he felt so connected, and he was still hard… "I…" he said, softly, staring deep into his friend's eyes, which softened as he smiled, and not the charismatic, commanding smile he'd seen at the education event, but a smile he'd only ever seen directed at himself and Nunnally.

"Welcome back," Lelouch said, quietly. "How are you feeling?" Suzaku bit his lip, because he had no idea how to answer, except,

"That was intense…" Lelouch nodded. "I…" Suzaku closed his eyes for a moment, trying to recall that glorious floating sensation. "Can we do this again?" he asked.

"Let's talk about it when you're more lucid," said Lelouch, "it's-"

"I'm lucid now," interrupted Suzaku. "I want it." His eyes flashed, and Lelouch knew there was no arguing with him.

"I wasn't telling you no," he assured him, tilting his head to the side. Suzaku's eyes widened.

"Oh," he replied, blushing. He rubbed the back of his head.

"I told you, I'm not going anywhere," Lelouch continued, and now Suzaku was back in his right mind, the words held a completely different meaning, or maybe he'd meant it both ways all along. Either way, yet again their past hung in front of them like a mirage, shining on the connection forged between them by the session. Lelouch knew a sudden, crippling fear through his detachment, which had rapidly diminished as Suzaku had come back to himself.

"You promise?" Suzaku asked.

"I promise," said Lelouch, his throat tightening. Suzaku said nothing for a while, just stared into his best friend's face. He thought about arguing, he almost wanted to, but in this state, when he could just be close to Lelouch, when they could be so connected it was almost like old times, he couldn't muster the heart or the energy to protest or push.

"You promise?" he asked again.

"I promise."

"I believe you." Lelouch sighed in relief and took his hands off Suzaku at last. He immediately missed their weight.

"Let me get you some water," said Lelouch. "You stay here and relax." Suzaku would have pointed out that it was his house and therefore he would, but again he didn't have the heart or the energy.

"Okay," he replied, and shifted to sit back against his headboard. He realized he was still hard, and bent his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. Lelouch made no comment, but got up and went to the kitchen, leaving Suzaku in his sweaty clothes and surrounded by ropes, by the evidence of everything that had happened. He shivered, but Lelouch returned before he could feel ashamed or guilty.

"Here," he said, handing him a glass of water, which he took and drank eagerly, realizing just how thirsty he was. "Are you still doing okay?"

"I'm okay," said Suzaku. "Thank you." Lelouch sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Do you have any questions for me?" Suzaku thought for a moment.

"Not yet… Can we talk more once I've got my wits about me?"

"You can call or text me at any time in any state of mind for any reason," Lelouch told him, entirely sincerely, and Suzaku's heart swelled in his chest at his voice returning to normal.

"Likewise," he said. He drank some more water, then continued, bravely, "That's much easier now we're finally in the same city." Lelouch's heart swelled too.

"That's definitely true," he agreed. "Time zones are a motherfucker." Suzaku laughed.

"I remember I'd have you over text for a while in the morning, but then you'd fall asleep."

"And then I'd wake up and get back to you, and you'd do the same thing to me." They shared a laugh, then fell into silence. Lelouch watched Suzaku finish his water, watched the flush recede from his face, then said, softly, "I should probably go." Suzaku's eyes widened.

"Are you sure? You're welcome to stay, I don't mind." Lelouch bit down on the inside of his lip, staring into Suzaku's earnest face, but his stomach gave a nervous lurch and he knew he didn't want to push it.

"I have to be up early tomorrow to sort out another live performance," he said, which, in his defense, was true. Suzaku nodded, looking disappointed.

"I understand." Lelouch's stomach gave another nervous lurch, and he began to gather his ropes. Suzaku watched him wind them back into neat little bundles and put them carefully into his bag. "I still have the rope you left with me last time, if-"

"Keep it," said Lelouch, smiling.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, just be careful." Suzaku smiled gratefully. He hadn't realized how anxious he'd been about having to give it back until that exact moment. Lelouch zipped up his bag. "I'll walk you out." They returned to the living room, and Lelouch put his winter coat and scarf back on, then swung his bag over his shoulder. Suzaku led him over to the door, and they faced each other, lit only by the soft table lamp just like when they'd gotten started a million years ago.

"I'll see you soon," said Lelouch.

"When?" asked Suzaku at once.

"Well, that depends…"

"Why? Is it dangerous to get tied too often?" Lelouch laughed.

"Not necessarily, but…" He hesitated, then changed his mind, slipping back into his work voice. "Is that what you want? To be tied up again?" Suzaku blushed deeply, but nodded. Lelouch thought for a moment. "Same time next week, then?" Suzaku smiled.

"That sounds perfect." Lelouch smiled back.

"I'll see you then, if not sooner." Suzaku's smile widened, and they hugged each other goodbye. Attuned to it now, he caught the smell of Lelouch's hair, his clothes, his aftershave, while he just shuddered and closed his eyes tight until they broke apart.

"I'll see you soon," said Suzaku.

"You will." They stared at each other a moment longer, then Lelouch opened the door and left the apartment.

Suzaku watched him go, then shut the door behind him, feeling… He wasn't sure. He wished Lelouch had stayed, especially after telling him over and over that he wasn't going anywhere, but he supposed that was to be expected.

He deadbolted the door, then crossed the room to check his phone. It was nearly 10 pm. He saw he had a few texts from Euphy, but ignored them to shut off the table lamp and return to his bedroom. He set his phone on the bedside table, then went over to the full length mirror on the wall beside his dresser. He couldn't look himself in the face, but he pulled up his shirt and stared at the reflection of his chest. There were no marks, but he could still feel where every knot had been, exactly where the rope had pulled and pressed.

"Watch."

Suzaku's toes curled against the floor and he felt himself get hard again. He blushed, but didn't look away. He recalled the ropes pulling against his sweatpants, showing everything.

"Nothing I haven't seen before."

Lelouch was right, of course. They'd seen each other naked plenty of times, in locker rooms and hot springs and their childhood bedrooms. They'd even seen each other hard mornings after sleeping in the same bed, though of course they hadn't mentioned it. Suzaku's blush deepened and he turned away from his mirror to get ready for bed, taking deep breaths to calm down.

Chapter Text

"Very good," murmured Lelouch, leaning back against the black leather couch. His client, a woman in her '40s, was on the floor beside him, draped over his lap and crying softly into his dress pants. "Very good." He stroked her long, dark hair as the electric candles throughout The Dungeon flickered against the black walls and fetish equipment. "Very good." Eventually, Lelouch felt her breath and heartbeat return to normal, and she shifted against his lap, her lips and tip of her nose brushing the top of his thigh. "Very good." She sat up and looked him in the face. He smiled, and she smiled back.

"Hi," she said, dreamily.

"Hello," he replied, gently. "Are you feeling all right?"

"I feel wonderful."

"Good." She slid off his lap, blushing. "I'll um… I'll go get changed." Lelouch stood up and helped her to her feet.

"Take your time."

"Thank you…"

She hurried into the bathroom where she'd hung up the work clothes she'd swapped for a black tank top and leggings when she'd arrived. Lelouch waited to hear the door close, then entered the tiny kitchen across from it. He turned on the overhead light, which shone in a soothing dark purple, and began to fill the electric kettle.

Even under his Zero mask, whenever he made tea for clients he always thought of his mother. In the shady kitchen of their townhouse, she'd taught him to measure tea leaves properly, to fill the kettle with cold water and the teapot with warm water, to always pour the first cup for someone you love.

He set the kettle back in its cradle and turned it on, then filled an infuser with tea leaves and stuck it in a mug. He crossed his arms and leaned against the counter, listening for any distress from his client and remembering bringing his mother cups of tea in bed after she'd gotten sick.

After a few minutes, the kettle began to boil, and Lelouch poured the hot water into the infuser. A warm, toasty smell filled the room and he smiled in satisfaction and set a timer on his phone.

"Zero?"

"I'm-" but his client had already appeared on the threshold, redressed in her office clothes. She blinked a little in the purple light, but then her eyes darted to the mug of steeping tea. She smiled. "Are you still doing okay?" Lelouch asked. She nodded, and neither of them spoke until his phone went off. He silenced it, removed the infuser and carefully handed her the mug. She blew on the hot tea, then took a small sip. "Good?" he asked, and though she nodded, her eyes filled with tears again.

"I'm sorry, I-" but Lelouch just handed her the box of tissues they kept on the counter. She took one and dabbed at her eyes, then drank more tea. "I'm fine, I'm sorry, that was all just," she locked eyes with Lelouch. "It was just intense." Lelouch raised an eyebrow. "Good intense," she amended, before taking another sip of tea. Lelouch crossed his arms and leaned against the counter again. He should have expected this. He'd been hearing this from every client all week, though he didn't like to think about why. She took another sip of tea, then said, "My best friend's wedding is Saturday."

"Oh wow that's this weekend? It came up fast," he replied, keeping his tone ambiguous though he immediately felt wary. She'd brought it up in every session since he'd met her four months ago, and though Zero always just listened, Lelouch felt a profound, but uncomfortable, solidarity.

"It did, right?" She sipped more tea. "It's out in Rockaway."

"I remember you telling me," said Lelouch, still keeping his tone ambiguous. "I hope your maid of honor dress is warm."

"Well it's at The Rockaway Hotel, so it's not on the beach, exactly, but," she sighed, "it's very her." A moment's silence passed, during which Lelouch wondered what that meant, but appreciated the subversion of a winter beach wedding and the pragmatism of doing it when everything probably cost half as much. "My niece is going to be the flower girl."

"That's lovely," said Lelouch, and his client smiled. Another moment of silence.

"I never thought she'd get married." She sipped her tea. "I mean they've been together a long time, but they've always been open, and before that she was- never mind it doesn't matter." She sipped more tea. Lelouch gave her a moment, then asked,

"Was she the perpetually single friend before?" His client's eyes widened.

"Yes! How'd you know?"

"Lucky guess," replied Lelouch, kindly. Her lip twitched against the rim of her mug.

"Are you that friend, Zero?" Lelouch laughed to cover his surprise. Clients very rarely asked him questions about his own life, which was only right given that their sessions were their time, but in the last week every single person had suddenly gotten curious. Again, he didn't like to think about why.

"I definitely am," he replied, confidently, because it was true. However, his client immediately looked incredulous. "It's hard with this job," he said, employing his go-to excuse.

"Oh! Of course, I'm sure it must be." She took her longest sip of tea yet. "I can't imagine too many people would be comfortable if their partner did- did what you do." She flushed, and though Lelouch nodded in agreement, he had no real way of knowing this: his working in the scene had coincided with his stopping hooking up with people. However, under his Zero mask, he remembered telling Suzaku the day they'd reunited, his shock, his blush, his curiosity- "I wish I could just bring you as my plus one." The words tumbled out of his client's mouth in a rush, forcing the memory back to the depths. Lelouch laughed his most charismatic laugh to cover the sudden awkwardness before telling her, commandingly but kindly,

"I'm sorry, but that's a professional boundary. I couldn't."

"I know I know, I was kidding!" his client replied, a little too heartily. Wearing his Zero mask, the sadness Lelouch felt for her didn't bother him as much as it might have, but he knew it'd resurface later. It always did. However, in the mean time,

"Would you like another session before that?" His client finished her tea and set the mug on the counter.

"I won't have time with all the preparation, I was lucky to get this one in," she told him, regretfully. "Afterwards, though? And I don't know if CC told you, but I signed up for the Masquerade too."

"Excellent," said Lelouch approvingly, taking out his phone. Once the appointment was booked, he walked his client back through The Dungeon. In front of the door, they'd hung a black velvet curtain, creating a little foyer where everyone could leave their shoes and hang up their coats. Lelouch pulled it aside, and his client stepped into her high heels, put on her winter coat and picked up her purse. "Thank you again, Zero," she said, giving him one last slightly puffy eyed smile.

"You're very welcome. I'll see you next week."

"You will." Lelouch opened the door for her, and the overwhelming beige brightness of the hallway made them both shudder. She stepped over the threshold and headed back down the hall towards the elevators, giving Lelouch one last wave over her shoulder. He returned the gesture with a charismatic smile and nod, then shut the door quietly. He took a deep breath in, closed his eyes on his exhale and rested his forehead against the door.

Immediately his Zero mask slipped, and all the gates that kept the different roles he played and the associated emotions separate lifted, causing everything to spill out into his mind and body like a crashing wave. He was used to this, obviously, it happened after every session, but in the last week the impact had doubled in intensity. Yet again, he could trace the shift exactly, but had no desire to dig deeper.

"Don't leave!"

"I won't leave."

Lelouch shuddered, then, half in Suzaku's apartment and half in The Dungeon, turned on the overhead light and began to clean up. He wound all the ropes they'd used back into neat bundles, sprayed down all surfaces, turned off all the electric candles, washed the cup of tea and infuser and emptied the kettle. When he was finished, he took his phone from his pocket and switched off airplane mode. Immediately he was bombarded with news alerts, push notifications and texts. His heart skipped at Suzaku's name, but he opened Rivalz's message first.

hey!

you're still coming through later, right?

yes!

I just finished my last session

heading over to you now

bet!

Lelouch smiled, then opened the text from Suzaku.

what are you up to tonight?

Lelouch stared hard at the message, blushing.

"Don't leave!"

"My best friend's wedding is Saturday."

"So desu ka…"

Lelouch closed his eyes and took deep breaths, forcing his mind to slow.

I just finished my last session

going to my friend Rivalz's bar for drinks now

did you have a good day today?

Lelouch shoved his phone back in his pocket and ran his fingers through his hair, his face still burning. He and Suzaku had been texting much more since their session, and though it felt good, it was embarrassing to have such a strong reaction. Even in high school it hadn't been this bad…

Forcing the thoughts and feelings away, Lelouch did one more check of The Dungeon to make sure everything was reset and clean, then put on his winter coat and headphones and stepped into his shoes. He shut off all the lights and opened the door, stepping into the hallway and further out of his work self.

Suzaku smiled at Lelouch's message and pushed the floor with his foot to swivel his desk chair around in semi-circles. He appreciated Lelouch asking about his day, but the rest of the message made his heart ache. Irrational as it was, he couldn't help but feel jealous of these friends Lelouch always seemed to be out with. He knew logically that he had no right to these people, but still, it'd be nice to put faces to names, and hadn't Lelouch agreed with CC when she'd said they should all hang out outside of work?

"I'm sure Lelouch isn't keeping you from them on purpose," Euphy had said, kindly, when he'd confessed his true fear to her over FaceTime. Suzaku managed not to roll his eyes, but it was a close thing.

"He's always been secretive," he said, because of course she wouldn't know that. Something in Euphy's expression shifted. "What?"

"Nothing," she said, though he was positive that wasn't true. "You guys have another session, right? Maybe you'll find out more then." An uncomfortable flush crept up Suzaku's neck and face. When she'd asked about the education event, he'd told her everything, including his plans to have Lelouch tie for him. Her expression had tightened, and for a moment it had been immensely satisfying to see a crack in her otherwise unshakable compassion and understanding, to see her get a taste of what he'd been feeling for months. Suzaku had felt terribly ashamed at the impulse, and wondered yet again what the point of all this honesty was when all it seemed to do was cause rifts. However, in a later call when she'd asked how the session had gone, he'd told her the same thing she'd told him about seeing her coworker:

"It was really nice."

"That's great!"

"Yeah."

"Suzaku!" He jumped and looked up from his phone to find himself face to face with Gino and Anya. "Did I startle you? My bad!"

"You always come on way too strong," she said, bluntly. Then, before Suzaku could insist it was fine, "We're going out for drinks with Lloyd and Cecille tonight, if you want to come with us." Suzaku had nothing else to do that night except think about his session with Lelouch the following day, but had been ready to say yes anyway. He couldn't keep putting this off.

"Sure," he replied, smiling. "Thanks for inviting me."

"Awesome!" exclaimed Gino, punching the air. "We'll let you finish up, meet us at the front desk in fifteen minutes?"

The cold night air was pleasant on Lelouch's face as he headed up to Rivalz's bar, crowds and headlights swirling around him and a TedEd riddle about discovering an assassin at a poker game loud in his ears. It was already dark, though it had finally started staying light out past 5 pm, but warm enough he didn't need his scarf. He got stuck at a red light at Rivington St at exactly the moment he needed to read instructions in the riddle, and took out his phone. This puzzle wasn't actually that hard, but-

A car blared its horn as a cyclist turned left in front of it and against the light, forcing the driver to slam on their brakes in the middle of the intersection. Lelouch started, and a woman beside him screamed, "He had the light, dipshit!" He caught her eye, they exchanged an exasperated look, and he returned to the riddle. He read through the information and came up with a solution easily before crossing the street, but when he continued the video, the answer it gave was much simpler. That was usually how that went, but at least he was still right! He switched to music for the rest of the walk.

On 7th St and Avenue A, Lelouch paused outside the bar, its steamy windows hung with Christmas lights and covered in posters for local bands, theater and dance shows. He paused his music, noticing there were no new texts from Suzaku, took off his headphones and opened the door to a blast of warmth and noise.

It was a bright, cheerful place, spotlessly clean but still divey enough to get away with the cheap Happy Hour he was about to indulge in. Groups of college students and young professionals stood about, talking or playing pool, while elderly people sat at the bar reading and chatting under the indistinct hardcore blaring from the speakers.

"Lelouch!" Rivalz called from the far corner of the bar where he stood dressed in jeans and a t-shirt with an ampersand splashed across it, talking to Mao, who whirled around on his barstool and beamed at Lelouch, who snorted with laughter when he realized his t-shirt said "TROPHY HUSBAND."

"Hey," he said, making his way over and clasping hands with each of them. "Participation trophy, I'm guessing?"

"Not my fault you ain't place, bat guai," Mao shot back, grinning.

"How's things?" asked Rivalz.

"A beer and a shot," said Mao, before Lelouch could even begin to think of a reply. However, when Rivalz looked at him for confirmation, he just shrugged, took off his coat and hung it on the hook under the bar, hoping this was just Mao's uncanny intuition and not his own appearance. "I'll take one of those as well," Mao added graciously while Lelouch took the seat beside him.

"You can take this too," said Rivalz, giving Mao the finger before setting three shot glasses on the bar and filling them with whiskey. Lelouch and Mao burst out laughing, and Rivalz gave them a winning smile as he filled up two pint glasses with beer from an unmarked tap. "But seriously, Lelouch, is everything okay?" He set the beers in front of Lelouch and Mao.

"Dor ze leng zai!"

"Yeah of course, why?"

"You just look like the state of the world is weighing heavier on you than usual, you know?" said Mao, conversationally, which made Lelouch and Rivalz laugh.

"My last session today was just draining," Lelouch said, after debating for a moment. Rivalz and Mao nodded sympathetically, and they picked up their shot glasses, clinked them together and drained them. Lelouch shuddered, but the burn in his mouth and throat focused him, brought him completely out of his professional role, to being out with two of his best friends at a bar after work to trade stories. Indeed, at that moment Mao and Rivalz set their glasses down and turned to him eagerly. All their friends loved his, CC and Kallen's work stories, though they always insisted Rivalz's were better.

"I've been to your parties, I've seen the type of shit that goes on!" Rivalz had insisted a few years ago, some night they were all out for Korean barbecue on 32nd Street.

"Okay, but that's all in a controlled setting with rules and consequences, bars are a fucking free for all," Kallen replied, gesturing with her chopsticks full of brisket.

"Well-"

"Bro you literally got your manager's job because he was fucking a customer and an employee!" she reminded him.

"Well-"

"Nothing will top the woman showing up to confront her cheating boyfriend and tossing his drink in his face, though," said CC, and everyone laughed.

"The best part was when she turned to the woman he was with and goes," began Lelouch, then Shirley and Milly said together,

"I'm not mad at you, but trust me, he's not worth it!"

"And then she just walks the fuck out! Gangster," said Mao, proudly.

"Okay, okay," conceded Rivalz, reaching for a slice of grilled pumpkin. "I get your point."

"So what happened?" Rivalz asked, leaning forward on the bar. Lelouch took a sip of his beer, which was delicious, before answering.

"My client's best friend is getting married this weekend, and-"

"-she's in her feelings about it?" Mao interrupted, sympathetically.

"Seems that way," said Lelouch, his stomach twisting.

"Man, even the most chill, reasonable, level headed individual will get triggered by a wedding, I don't blame her," said Rivalz, sagely, drawing from the countless bachelor and bachelorette parties he'd had come through his doors.

"Shirley did pretty good though, when she got married," said Mao, fairly, though none of them had been in the wedding party at her ex's whining. "Remember that one psycho fucking bridesmaid though?"

"Oh god, Nina," said Lelouch with distaste, and they all shook their heads. At more whining from her ex, Shirley had included one of his cousins in the bridal party with Milly, Kallen and CC, which they'd all agreed was a kind gesture. However, she'd gone from shy and awkward at the start to, as Milly put it, "unhinged and exhausting" by the end. She'd called Shirley at all hours, demanded to be present at every event and disagreed with every choice she made, then cried when anyone tried to tell her off.

"I'm gonna fucking swing at her before this is over," Kallen had told Milly, CC, Lelouch, Rivalz and Mao, one evening three months out from the ceremony when they were brownbagging tall boys in Riverside Park.

"She means well," Milly said, placatingly, then, when Kallen gave her a scorching look, "listen, I agree she's tiring, but let's try and show her grace for Shirley's sake!"

However, Milly's diplomacy evaporated the week of the bachelorette party, when Nina cancelled their reservation for glamping on Governer's Island, insisting it wasn't good enough but without offering any alternatives. Milly rarely lost her cool with anyone, but had shone up at Lelouch and CC's apartment absolutely seething, and it was terrifying. "I'm done," she said, simply, after venting for twenty minutes. "Don't tell Kallen because I don't need to put out another fire, but oh my god!"

In the end, they'd just done a bar crawl, but not before Milly told Shirley that Nina needed to step down for everyone's sanity. Thankfully, she'd agreed, but Nina had still shown up at the venue the day of the wedding in her bridesmaid's dress, only to be escorted away by security who had been warned this might happen.

"I told her something was off when I met her at the engagement party," said Mao, as he always did whenever she was brought up.

"We were all there," Lelouch reminded him. However, even immersed in all the drama, there had been a part of him that felt guilty for criticizing Nina, because he doubted he'd have been able to keep it together if he'd been best man at Suzaku's wedding like he'd asked. Indeed, the entire planning had been painful for that reason, though he'd managed to keep the thoughts and feelings at bay to support Shirley. However, during the "speak now or forever hold your peace" part of the ceremony, he imagined objecting at Suzaku's wedding. Not that he actually would have, but…

"How's the beer?" Rivalz asked, bringing Lelouch back to the present.

"Really nice," he said. "This from Finback?"

"Yup!" He grinned. "So did your client say exactly what was bothering her?" Lelouch thought for a moment.

"No, but considering she doesn't tell her husband about our sessions it's probably hard to watch someone make vows of fidelity and love and what not. She also never thought this friend would get married, so."

"Oof…"

"Ouch, yeah…"

Lelouch took another sip of beer. This client was nowhere near the first to keep what they did a secret from their significant other, and though his clients' personal lives weren't his problem, he often worried about how they'd react if they knew. For a split second, he wondered if Suzaku's… ex? Whatever she was, knew of their session and plans for another.

"Why did you take that all so personally, though?" asked Mao, quietly, when Rivalz got hailed by one of the elderly men across the bar to close his tab.

"I didn't," replied Lelouch, a little too quickly. He drank more beer. "I think the sun setting later just has everyone all fucked up." Mao tilted his head to the side, but then shrugged and drank more beer.

"What do you drink, Suzaku?" asked Gino, clapping him hard on the shoulder.

"That's not actually a nice gesture when you aren't footing the bill," Anya reminded him, dryly, but he ignored her. Suzaku's colleagues had taken him to a crowded, wood paneled bar on 58th St that, according to Gino, had a good selection. However, before Suzaku could answer, Lloyd called from behind them at the top of his voice,

"You all sit down! I'll order!" and pushed through the crowds towards the bar, Cecille following him and looking exasperated already. Anya gave Suzaku and Gino a "don't argue, it isn't worth it" sort of look and led them over to a table in the corner, weaving in and out of other groups of coworkers. Everyone was dressed in business casual in varying shades of khaki, navy, white and very occasionally black, and all had the same three haircuts. Suzaku sat down at the table beside Gino, who immediately engaged Anya in conversation, then checked his phone discreetly. He took a sharp breath in when he realized he hadn't replied to Lelouch's text, having gotten distracted by the drinks invitation.

I just finished my last session

going to my friend Rivalz's bar for drinks now

did you have a good day today?

it was all right

I'm out for drinks too, with coworkers

something at this bar is off though

Lloyd appeared with a tray of glasses of whiskey, crying, "Congratulations! We're expensing this!"

"As long as we don't get audited," sighed Cecille, taking the seat beside Suzaku while Lloyd passed out the drinks. He then threw himself into the seat beside Anya and picked up his glass.

"Cheers!" he cried, and they clinked their glasses together. Suzaku took a careful sip and it immediately warmed him from the inside out, relaxing some of the tension in his shoulders. He knew he should feel more comfortable, he'd been going to functions like this his whole career, but even though he'd seen everyone at the table every day for a month, he still felt out of place. He thought of the education event at the Museum of Sex, how much better he'd felt at Lelouch's side, how diverse and relaxed the crowd had been. He took another sip of whiskey, then checked his phone and was relieved to see another message from Lelouch.

off how? where are you?

Suzaku smiled and replied at once.

this place by my office

where are you?

ahh that sounds super finance-y I'm sorry

my friend's bar's on avenue a

right close to the place I took you

Lelouch put his phone away and rejoined Rivalz and Mao's conversation, trying to figure out where he'd left off.

"-and then the acid kicked in and I was like, 'oh fuck…'"

"What?" Lelouch asked, bewildered, while Rivalz snorted with laughter.

"At Shirley's wedding!" said Mao, as though it were obvious.

"Oh, right," replied Lelouch, rolling his eyes, though of course he remembered the reception vividly. Once dinner was over and drinks really started flowing, those guests who had brought their own intoxicants started taking them. Mao and a few uncles had dropped acid on the beach while Rivalz, Kallen, Milly and CC went off with some cousins to smoke weed in the parking lot. Lelouch had turned down Mao's offer of key bumps to knock back shots with the groomsmen, then asked Shirley to dance, knowing both would piss off her now husband.

"Is Mao okay?" Shirley asked, watching him dancing vaguely by himself in a far corner of the venue as they revolved slowly on the spot.

"He's fine, you know how he gets at parties." They wouldn't tell her exactly how fucked up everyone was until years later, but in the moment she was satisfied. Indeed, it was good to see her so happy, and Lelouch was about to tell her so when,

"Sorry, Lelouch, can I steal my bride from you for this next song?" Shirley's husband smiled up to his eyes, which always betrayed his disapproval. However, Lelouch responded with a wide, genuine smile and said,

"Of course!" He let go of his friend and gave an ironic bow as her husband swept her away into the center of the dance floor. Lelouch and her husband's mutual enmity had been like constant low level background noise since they'd met. He didn't like Lelouch's job, he didn't like that he and Shirley's other friends were partiers, but Lelouch knew above anything else he was just threatened by all her guy friends, which was pathetic at best and idiotic at worst. 'If only you knew I've only ever had romantic feelings for one person,' thought Lelouch, on a sudden wave of bitterness. He'd confirmed this point after years of data. Suzaku was indeed the exception, not the rule, and that of course had gone nowhere when he'd decided to marry someone else.

Before he could begin to spiral, Lelouch shook his head and strode across the dance floor to the bar, where he found Kallen in her pale blue bridesmaid's dress. "Hey," she said, then, "You okay?"

"Yeah! I just want another drink."

"God me too," she sighed, her eyes darting from the groomsman who had walked her down the aisle flirting with a random guest, to Milly and Rivalz, slow dancing not far from Shirley and her husband, to Mao, who was still vibing in the corner, to CC, who had her hand at some uncle's throat as she explained something to him. Lelouch ordered them shots, which they took, then,

"Let's dance." Kallen agreed, and they rejoined the crowd, Lelouch's hands at her waist, her arms around his neck.

"How long do you give them?" she asked, under her breath. She was flushed from the alcohol and her eyes were now fixed on Shirley and her husband.

"Well, hopefully forever," said Lelouch, and Kallen laughed despite his best efforts not to sound sarcastic.

"Lelouch, don't be an dick."

"Well if you motherfuckers aren't getting high out of your minds at my wedding you can stay the fuck home," said Mao, with absolute authority. "Just stay functional for the speeches." Rivalz laughed and Lelouch picked up his beer as though preparing to give a toast.

"If you had told me ten years ago when Mao was being shocked by violet wands at sex parties and getting shitfaced at shows that he was going to end up married to someone way too good for him, I'd never have believed you!" Rivalz laughed harder.

"I'll still be doing both of those things, the fuck you mean?!" Mao cried, outraged, before adopting the same speech giving tone, "My favorite memory of Lelouch was when he smashed into the glass door at a cabin we rented right after laughing at me for slipping on the deck getting out of the hot tub." Rivalz laughed even harder and brofisted Mao while Lelouch just raised his glass and drank.

"I might have deserved that," he conceded, with dignity, "but you busting your ass on the deck was one of the funniest things I've ever seen."

"Fair," said Mao, toasting him before turning evilly to Rivalz. "And you…" Rivalz stopped laughing at once and glared back at him challengingly.

"Yes?"

"When Rivalz started a pillow fight with us at a New Years party and smashed the overhead light, we knew we'd be in his wedding someday," said Lelouch, in exaggerated reminiscence, and Mao cackled and clapped his hands while Rivalz just hung his head, but grinned.

"That was funny as fuck," he agreed, but, "I didn't start it though!" Lelouch and Mao looked at each other incredulously, then glared at Rivalz. "You fucking threw the pillow at me for no reason!" he cried, pointing at Mao.

"And you fucking came at me full force after, I had to defend myself!" Mao exclaimed, clutching his chest in righteous anger.

"Yeah except that you hit me instead of Rivalz, dumb ass," Lelouch reminded him.

"Listen…" They dissolved into more laughter, then,

"What was it Kallen said?" Rivalz asked, and Lelouch imitated her most contemptuous tone,

"Yo the stupid guy switch is fucking crazy." The three of them dissolved into more laughter. "Like she's one to talk, getting dragged out by security after getting into a fight at Knitting Factory."

"Man I miss that venue," said Rivalz, and Lelouch and Mao raised their glasses and finished their beers in its honor. "You guys want another round?"

"Yes please!"

"Yeah I'm just gonna go smoke first," said Mao, taking a joint from his pocket. "You guys want in?"

"Nah I'm cool."

"No thank you."

Mao sighed theatrically, slid off his seat and sauntered from the bar, clapping his hands slowly over his head. Rivalz got called away by a customer and Lelouch checked his phone under the bar, his heart skipping at a message from Suzaku.

it's definitely that

everyone looks the same and it's weird

I wish I was out with you instead

Suzaku sipped his whiskey, which he had to admit was lovely, and half listened to his coworkers' conversations, contributing when necessary but much more focused on his phone under the table. Chat bubbles appeared, disappeared then reappeared again before,

you're seeing me tomorrow!

Suzaku's stomach clenched. It was true; he'd been thinking about it constantly since Lelouch had left his apartment the last time. He blushed as he replied.

I know! and I'm excited

but I also think I'd be having more fun with you than what I'm stuck doing now

His stomach clenched again, and he sighed and drank more whiskey.

Lelouch opened the message at once, and his warm, happy relaxation was suddenly tempered. Excited how? To spend more time together or to be tied or…? Lelouch recalled viscerally how intense Suzaku's reactions had been, how he'd flushed and shuddered and gotten so hard in the ropes. He'd been thinking about it constantly, at random moments whenever there wasn't anything to immediately occupy his mind. He'd also dreamed about it so intensely he'd woken up to find… He blushed. Again, even in high school it hadn't been this bad. He shook himself before he could think about it too much, focusing instead on the other part of the message.

but I also think I'd be having more fun with you than what I'm stuck doing now

He imagined Suzaku with them, sipping on the beer Rivalz had gotten from one of his favorite breweries, laughing at their jokes and asking for details on all of the stories they were telling. Of course, if Suzaku hadn't gotten married, he'd have been with them through it all and be well versed in their lore, would no doubt have his own. While still living apart, they'd talked about finally being in the city together, of making new friends together, of starting their lives together, only for it all to come crashing down. What had changed? Why had Suzaku been so willing to throw it all away? The same unanswerable questions swirled in Lelouch's mind, but rather than try and answer them, he replied to Suzaku's message.

you're probably right

It was true, but also woefully inadequate. Fortunately, at that moment Mao returned from smoking, looking chilled out but mischievous. "Yo I was just texting CC," he said, loudly, "you didn't tell me you were having another Masquerade!" However, before Lelouch could reply, Rivalz cut in from across the bar,

"They both mentioned it when we were hanging out at Milly and Shirley's, you fool!"

"Fool?!" cried Mao, outraged. Rivalz stepped forward, picked up the soda gun and pointed it at Mao. Several people at the bar turned to watch.

"Fool," he said, with cold authority. A moment's silence passed, then Mao opened his mouth and waggled his tongue obscenely. Everyone watching, including Lelouch and Rivalz, laughed, but then Mao continued,

"You're probably right and I just don't remember, my bad." He sat down beside Lelouch again while Rivalz finished seeing to his customer, then returned to them and poured another two beers and three shots. "But seriously, what's up with this Masquerade?"

"It's on the 16th at Berlin," said Lelouch. "If you guys want to come you're more than welcome."

"On Valentine's Day weekend?" asked Rivalz.

"Freaky people need love too!" cried Mao, spinning himself around on the barstool. Rivalz and Lelouch exchanged a "can't argue with that logic" look, and the three of them picked up their shots and downed them.

"Did Milly say if she was going?" Rivalz asked, a little too airily.

"Not as far as I know," said Lelouch, "but I can ask her." Before Rivalz could reply, two of his regulars entered the bar and he went to go serve them. While Mao spun around on his barstool, Lelouch took out his phone and texted Suzaku.

you'll meet everyone soon

After the second round of drinks, the group split up some. Suzaku and Cecille were sharing stories from engineering school while Anya and Lloyd were back at the bar and Gino was flirting with a pretty young woman across the room. Even though it was easier now he was more relaxed, maybe even nice, it reminded Suzaku of being out after exams when his classmates were drawn away, leaving him to explain to everyone who approached him, "I'm so sorry, I'm married, but thank you…" Some people hadn't believed him until he'd shown them the ring on his finger, and it had only deterred half of them.

He looked down at his hands folded in his lap. He obviously didn't wear his ring anymore, and had felt terribly guilty for taking it off when he and Euphy had agreed to separate, even though she'd done it first. As far as he knew, both rings were in a bedside table drawer back in their apartment in Tokyo. At first he'd been so sure that once his contract with ASEEC was up he'd move back and they'd put their rings on again like nothing happened. However, he wasn't sure that was possible anymore. He sighed, and Cecille paused.

"Are you all right, Suzaku?"

"Yes of course, I'm sorry, I just spaced out for a second." Cecille tilted her head to the side, smiling kindly at him.

"I know work events can be tedious, but-"

"Oh no, not at all!" Suzaku interrupted hastily, and though Cecille was clearly unconvinced, she changed the subject.

"Do you have any plans for this weekend?" Suzaku took a sip of his whiskey to cover his blush, then replied,

"This weekend I'm not sure, but tomorrow night I'm seeing an old friend, which will be really nice."

"Oh fantastic! What are you guys going to do?" Suzaku swallowed.

"Nothing special, I don't think, just go for dinner." He drank more whiskey. "I should probably confirm our plans, actually, could you give me one second?"

"Sure!"

He got to his feet and made his way to the little alcove at the back of the bar where the bathrooms were, the effects of the alcohol much stronger now he was up and walking. He leaned against the wall, immediately grateful for the slight noise reduction and moment to himself. He took out his phone and was relieved to see a text from Lelouch.

you're probably right

you'll meet them all soon

Suzaku smiled, and though he wanted to just trust it,

when?

To his surprise and further relief, chat bubbles appeared immediately.

we can talk about it tomorrow

Suzaku felt encouraged at further confirmation of their plans, but still annoyed that Lelouch was obviously deflecting.

okay!

speaking of tomorrow…

He took a deep breath, but felt brave from the rounds of drinks.

if it's too much trouble or short notice it's not a big deal, but could we maybe meet at your dungeon this time?

I'm just really curious and I know what to expect now

It was perfectly true. They'd talked about The Dungeon over text, but Suzaku had been curious about it since Lelouch had first mentioned it over their bottle of wine. He wondered what other apparatuses there were, if he'd recognize any from the videos he'd been watching before going to sleep every night, though above all he just wanted the ropes again. Thinking about them always felt best when… He blushed.

Lelouch's next message distracted Suzaku, but the heat in his face stoked by the whiskey was now burning further down.

if that's what you want

Suzaku smiled, and the heat stirred more insistantly, but he ignored it.

that's what I want

He took a few deep breaths to steady himself, then returned to his coworkers.

Lelouch slid his phone back into his pocket and downed the rest of his beer. "Ready to get the fuck outta here?" asked Mao discreetly. The bar was much busier now, and Rivalz and his barback were swarmed with customers.

"Yes."

"Rivalz! We're gonna head out!"

"No doubt, gimme one sec!" He finished mixing a cocktail then rushed over so they could settle their tab. "Text me when you're home," he said.

"Good luck with the rest of your shift," said Lelouch, and he and Mao clasped hands with Rivlaz.

"Yeah yeah, I'll see you guys soon!"

"Peace!" Lelouch and Mao left generous cash tips on the bar, put on their coats and stepped out into the winter night.

"Are you going straight home?" asked Mao, pausing to light up another joint.

"Yes." Mao took a hit, offered it to Lelouch, who declined, then exhaled smoke over his shoulder.

"I'll walk part of the way with you, then."

"If you feel you must." They headed down Avenue A together, avoiding delivery drivers on motorized scooters and people walking their dogs without paying attention.

"You're texting that old friend again," said Mao. It wasn't a question.

"Again? We never stopped." Mao snorted and shoved Lelouch playfully.

"Semantics. How'd he like the education event?"

"Who the fuck told you he was there?!"

"You did, just now." Lelouch closed his eyes for a moment.

"I hate you so much I swear to god..."

"We've been knew," replied Mao, simply, before, "So? Is he a shameless fetishist now?"

"Don't talk about him like that," snapped Lelouch.

"Whoa, sorry," said Mao, in an uncharacteristically sincere tone that made Lelouch blush.

"It's all right," he replied, with dignity, then, "he seems to have taken to the ropes." Yet again, he remembered Suzaku tied up before him, on his knees and on his back, flushed and sweating and moaning openly and obviously hard. He shuddered.

"Is that not challenging?" asked Mao.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Just that it's different with a friend than it is with a client or a model or whatever, be easy." Lelouch rolled his eyes.

"Yes obviously, but he asked me specifically because we're friends." Mao took one last drag from his joint, put it out against the lid of a metal trash can and threw it out.

"Well if he's that into it, you should bring him to the Masquerade! It'd be cool to meet him."

"I mean I suppose I could…" This had obviously occurred to Lelouch more than once, though it hadn't been his plan when he'd told Suzaku he'd meet his friends soon. He knew he couldn't keep Suzaku away from everyone forever, and he supposed another work event would be safer than dinner or drinks or something, with all his professional boundaries and barriers in place…

"We'll behave!" Mao assured him, robustly sincere. Lelouch just rolled his eyes again and changed the subject.

A little after 9:30, Cecille finally talked Lloyd into calling it a night. "I suppose…" he said, with theatrical regret. "It was nice to have you with us, though, Suzaku!" Gino, Anya and Cecille all made noises of agreement, and though Suzaku knew he should appreciate it, he just wanted to leave. However, he smiled and said,

"Thank you for inviting me, let's do this again soon."

"Absolutely!"

"Definitely!"

Lloyd closed their tab, and they all gathered their things, put on their coats and left the bar. The winter night was refreshing against Suzaku's flushed face, and he took a deep breath in, allowing it to cool his overheated insides, then sighed out a smokey cloud before saying goodbye to everyone. "I'll see you tomorrow," he told them, before anyone could suggest they take the train together, and headed uptown. The moment he was out of sight, he paused to check his phone. Unfortunately, there was nothing new from Lelouch, and again Suzaku knew a rush of irrational jealousy towards the friends monopolizing his attention. He also noticed there was nothing from Euphy, and texted her, almost spitefully,

I hope you have a good day at work

He immediately felt guilty, even though the sarcastic tone he'd had in mind wouldn't come through over text. He took another deep breath in and sighed it out, gazing vaguely in the direction of the train for a moment before deciding to just walk home. It wasn't far, and maybe it'd help him relax.

As he headed further uptown, he tried to focus on just putting one foot in front of the other, but kept wondering what the fuck he thought he was doing. His coworkers were so nice and so accepting, why did he hold back so much? Why was he constantly distracted by Euphy and Lelouch? Why was being tied up in shibari the only thing that seemed to help him feel better?

The closer to his apartment he got, the more people were out. Happy groups of friends, couples in love, and here he was alone. Why had he come here? What could he possibly do by himself?

It was a relief to finally reach his apartment, with its clanging radiator and soft lights, and when he plugged in his phone he saw a message from Lelouch.

yeah yeah yeah I got you

are you still out with coworkers?

Although Suzaku always considered motives important, in that moment he didn't care why getting tied up in shibari made him feel better, he just cared that it did, and tomorrow he'd get more. It was beyond comforting.

no I just got home

I can't wait to see you tomorrow

me too

Chapter Text

Lelouch took a sip of his… fifth? sixth? he'd lost track, cup of coffee that day and stared out his living room window, the headlights of the rush hour traffic shining against the blue black sky. He hadn't slept well, and though his clients hadn't seemed to notice, it had bothered him immensely.

"I'm not crying…"

"So desu ka…"

"Suzaku?"

"Hm? … Oh…"

"Is that- mm!"

He blushed, trying to push the dream that had kept waking him up out of his mind even as heat began to pool in his belly. He took a determined sip of coffee, needing to focus and wake up before he saw Suzaku, but,

"Don't stop!"

"I won't stop…"

Lelouch's phone buzzed in his pocket and he picked it up, blushing deeper at Suzaku's name.

leaving work now!

I'll see you in a few minutes

Lelouch took a moment, forcing the dreams and feelings away. Suzaku was just a client. He'd tied for him before, he could do it again. Zero didn't get distracted like this. Zero didn't feel anything for his clients. Zero didn't attach.

Good.

Be ready.

Lelouch slipped his phone back into his pocket, drank the last of his coffee, washed out his mug and set it on the draining board, then snatched his keys off the counter and headed for The Dungeon.

Suzaku stepped into the elevator outside his office, his heart already racing, and brought up Google Maps the second the doors closed. He looked up the address Lelouch had given him, 125 Delancey Street, and smiled as he read the route before tucking his phone into his bag. The elevator chimed its arrival on the ground floor, and Suzaku walked through the white marble lobby and out onto a bustling Third Avenue. It was warmer than it had been all week, or maybe that was just his excited flush; his body was already anticipating the ropes, the knots, the friction.

He caught an overcrowded F train at 63rd St and rode it down to Delancey, then paused outside the station to check his phone again. He spotted Lelouch's building across the street and made his way over, weaving in and out of the commuters and high school students and delivery drivers. It was the tallest building on the block, and the ground floor comprised a movie theater, market and food court. Suzaku knew another rush of excitement. Not only would get to he see The Dungeon, he'd hopefully get to see Lelouch and CC's apartment too.

He suddenly remembered the drive home from JFK his first summer here, staring wide eyed out the window in the backseat while Lelouch pointed things out, explained history and told him everything he'd planned for them to do, his father making his aggressive way through the traffic. Suzaku had never been to New York before, indeed he'd never been to the US before, and though he was jetlagged and still reeling from what had happened with his parents, he was finally excited about something for the first time in months.

They'd pulled up outside Lelouch's townhouse on 62nd St, which even to Suzaku, who had grown up with money, had looked way too nice. "What are you waiting for?" Lelouch asked, coming to stand beside him. Suzaku turned to his best friend, effortlessly confident and self assured, impossible to intimidate. He grinned.

"Nothing, let's go!" Lelouch helped him carry his suitcase up the stairs while his father parked the car and opened the front door with his own key to Nunnally waiting for them.

"Okaerinasai!"

Suzaku knew a rush of affection for his best friend and his little sister as he opened the door to his building. The lobby was long and modern, all pale stone and sharp angles. Suzaku caught the doorman's eye, and he gestured him forward. "Where are you going?" Suzaku knew without having to check his phone, but did so anyway.

"15 F." The doorman nodded and picked up the phone receiver beside him.

"You have a guest." He paused, then hung up. "You're good."

"Thank you." As Suzaku took the elevator up, he wondered if the doorman knew what "15 F" meant, but then just as quickly realized it didn't matter. He took a deep breath in and sighed it out, shivering under his winter coat, the pool of warm, still water on the horizon.

Lelouch stood in the foyer of The Dungeon, his arms crossed in front of his chest and expression set. He felt fine, his Zero mask was on, though he wished his heart would stop beating so fast.

There was a knock on the door, and Lelouch opened it. Suzaku stood on the threshold, flushed and excited, and the moment they made eye contact his expression softened receptively. He looked Lelouch up and down, taking in his black dress pants and button down, and bit his lip.

"Come in," said Lelouch, in his work voice. Suzaku gave an excited, shuddering gasp and obeyed, and Lelouch closed the door behind him, plunging them into candle lit semi darkness. "Leave your things here." Again, Suzaku obeyed, taking off his shoes and setting his bag down to hang up his winter coat. Even though this was all courtesy, it gave him a rush to be told what to do and to receive Lelouch's approving smile. "Are you ready?" Suzaku gave another excited, shuddering gasp, wanting to dive headfirst into the pool of warm, still water, but he'd wait for Lelouch's word.

"Yes," he replied, softly. Lelouch smiled approvingly again and pulled back the black curtain.

Suzaku took a sharp breath in and felt a shiver down his spine. The Dungeon looked a lot like the basement at the Museum of Sex with its black walls and leather couch, but felt lived in and personal, which put him at ease rather than intimidated him. He eyed the massage table, the hooks in the ceiling, floggers and bundles of rope displayed like art pieces on the walls, glass fronted cabinets full of toys, apparatuses and equipment he'd seen in videos but didn't know the names for, including a metal tripod frame like the one he'd seen in the livestream. Everything was lit by electric candles, and it felt both soothing and seductive.

"It's nice, isn't it?" said Lelouch, in his lazily confident work tone, his eyes narrowing slightly as he watched Suzaku take it all in. He liked how impressed he was, as both himself and as Zero.

"I love it," said Suzaku, softly and completely sincerely. Lelouch's lip curled.

"Good." Suzaku's heart skipped. "If you want to change, there's a bathroom up there to your right." He nodded towards the other end of the room.

"Okay." Suzaku snatched up his bag and hurried through the room, past the small alcove of a kitchen and into the bathroom, also painted black and softly lit with more electric candles and a lighted mirror above the sink, which was covered in black curtains like those outside. Suzaku closed the door and began to change out of his work suit into the gray sweatpants and t-shirt he'd had stowed away in his bag all day like an exciting secret. The warm, pure water of what was to come lapped at his toes.

Lelouch waited in the middle of The Dungeon, arms crossed and eyes narrowed, listening for any noise of discomfort. However, the only sound in the candlelit silence was his beating heart until the bathroom door opened. Suzaku reappeared in the same gray sweatpants and t-shirt as last time, and Lelouch's eyes darted up and down his body before fixing upon his face. Suzaku bit his lip, feeling another excited shiver down his back.

"Come here," said Lelouch, quietly commanding. Suzaku stepped forward at once, into the pool of warm pure water with a shudder, and inhaled the now familiar smell of Lelouch's hair, his clothes, his aftershave. "Are you ready?"

"Yes."

"Do you remember the rules?" Suzaku took a deep breath and stepped into the warm, pure water up to his knees.

"I do exactly what you tell me to do when you tell me to do it. If I question you or disobey…" he swallowed, but stared determinedly back at Lelouch. "There will be consequences." Lelouch's lip curled into his characteristic smirk, and Suzaku's heart swelled proudly in his chest, the water now up to his waist.

"Very good," said Lelouch.

"And," Suzaku pressed on, wanting more of Lelouch's praise, "If I'm happy with what's going on, I say green." Lelouch nodded.

"Correct."

"If I need a moment, I say yellow."

"Yes."

"And if I want to stop, I say red." Though of course, up to his chest in the water now, he couldn't imagine that happening. Again, Lelouch nodded approvingly.

"Very good." He paused there a moment, watching Suzaku sink deeper into their scene and knowing a rush of excitement under his Zero mask. "Are you ready?" Suzaku took one more shuddering breath.

"Yes," he replied, on his exhale.

"Good," said Lelouch, and Suzaku slid under the water with a sigh of relief, floating, suspended, supported. Lelouch felt the shift with another rush of excitement and strode across the room to select a bundle of black rope from the wall. He undid it, found the bite and snapped it. Suzaku shivered, but didn't look away, his body already electrified. Lelouch tied the first knot, then slipped the loop it made over Suzaku's head, and he gave a little moan as his shoulders took its weight. "Hold this in place." Suzaku flushed and pressed the rope against his collar bones, rising and falling with his shallow breathing. Lelouch tied another knot level with his solar plexus, then just above his belly button, then his pubic bone. Heat simmered in Suzaku's belly and he closed his eyes in a soft groan, his-

"Watch me, Suzaku." Suzaku experienced the threat like a headrush and forced his eyes open. He and Lelouch stared hard at each other, their faces centimeters apart, and all the heat in Suzaku's belly rushed lower. His toes curled against the floor and he let out the softest of longing moans. Before he realized what he was doing, Lelouch looked down, and knew an intense, primal desire not just under his Zero mask, but deep in his body, visceral and needy and making him-

He forced his eyes back up to lock with Suzaku's, suddenly breathing hard. Suzaku gasped and stared back, his heart racing and thighs trembling, their faces still centimeters apart. Lelouch's knuckles whitened around the ropes. "Color?" he asked, and his work voice was rougher, more demanding, and Suzaku's toes curled against the floor again.

"Green!" he moaned, wanting, needing, the ropes around him, and his desperation incensed Lelouch under his Zero mask.

"Spread your legs." Suzaku moaned and obeyed at once, and Lelouch knew a hot rush of power. "Watch." Suzaku nodded and looked down. Lelouch followed his gaze, then slipped the ropes between his legs, his long, graceful fingers brushing his inner thighs. Suzaku moaned softly and Lelouch felt goosebumps erupt up his arms under his dress shirt. Further incensed, he tied one last knot, then threaded the ends through the loop over Suzaku's shoulders, pulling all the rope tighter. Suzaku flushed deeply, that last knot… The water of their scene, already hot and steaming, was now touching him so intimately… "Color?" asked Lelouch in that same, rough tone.

"Green," Suzaku moaned, though his face was burning, and his erection throbbed to prove the point. Lelouch smiled and began to complete his perfect diamond harness with another hot rush of power. He tightened the ropes as much as he dared, watching the knots press into Suzaku's t-shirt, revealing the smooth skin and toned muscles beneath it. He then pulled the ropes on either side of Suzaku's erection apart, making it all the more obvious. He shuddered, knowing another rush of that deep, primal need, and bit hard into his lower lip to stop himself making a noise as he forced it back down where it belonged.

"Color?" he asked.

"Green," Suzaku moaned again, feeling his heartbeat in every knot, the ropes pulling against him, containing him, holding him, while the hot water of their scene frothed and steamed. Lelouch stared at his work, his heart hammering and stomach twisting under his Zero mask.

"You like this," he said, almost spitefully, sending another shock of arousal down Suzaku's spine.

"Yes I do," he whispered, staring into Lelouch's purple eyes and blushing deeply. They stayed there a moment longer, then,

"Bring your arms behind your back."

"Yes, Lelouch…"

At once Lelouch felt his head break the surface of their scene, felt his Zero mask slip, felt all his walls disappear. No one had ever called him by his first name during a scene before. No one except Suzaku. A powerful wave of emotion rose and crashed inside him, flooding him with heat and desire and forcing him into his body, his senses. His eyes widened and his lips parted and all he had to do was lean forward and-

but no, not like this. Not ever.

Lelouch forced his head back under, but his body still felt overheated and his heart hammered against his ribs. Furious with himself but needing to remain in control and focused, he crossed the room in three strides, seized another length of rope from the wall, came to stand behind Suzaku and secured his shoulders in place, then bound his arms together in an elegant column tie. Suzaku cried out, the position arching his chest forward, and his toes curled against the floor yet again. Lelouch seized the back of the diamond harness and yanked Suzaku closer to him. "Color?" he breathed in his ear. Suzaku gave a little moan and looked down at his erection, restrained by his sweatpants and framed by black rope, and Lelouch felt his shudder of arousal up his arm and into his chest and belly. "Answer me, Suzaku."

"Green!"

"Do you want more?"

"Yes!"

"Get on your knees." Suzaku gasped and obeyed at once, clumsily for having his arms tied, and Lelouch selected more rope before getting down onto the floor so he was face to face with Suzaku. He gently pushed his knees together and bound his thighs in more column ties. Suzaku moaned as the ropes pulled his sweatpants even tighter across his erection, then bit his lip as that one knot behind it pressed upwards. He blushed and gave a soft cry, feeling the sensation inside. His erection throbbed, oozing precum into his underwear. "Color?" Lelouch asked, rather sharply.

"Green!" Suzaku moaned at once. "Green, it's just…" He blushed deeper and tried to bury his face in his own shoulder, but his chest was pushed too far forward. Lelouch paused in securing Suzaku's thighs to the diamond harness.

"It's just what, Suzaku?" Though he already knew the answer. He knew exactly how good he was making Suzaku feel, and the power and control eclipsed any insidious thoughts in his subconscious. Suzaku moaned and though he knew he had to answer, it was embarrassing and the water of their scene was boiling and how could he explain?! However, he tried his best, speaking from his heart and erection.

"It's intense," he groaned, and it felt so good to say it out loud, to be honest.

"Good intense?" asked Lelouch, watching Suzaku shudder in relief as he cried,

"So good!" Suzaku was breathing so hard and so shallowly that his chest heaved against the ropes, pulling and pushing them with each inhale and exhale, making every sensation, painful and pleasurable, rough and soft, inside and outside, suddenly ten times more powerful, and he loved it. Lelouch watched, feeling the heat and arousal coming off Suzaku's body in waves under his Zero mask, and yet again it incensed him.

"Good." He got to his feet, and Suzaku leaned forward, chasing his smell, his energy, his voice. The gesture was not lost on Lelouch, who was again pulled up and out of his professional role, and he realized in that split second just how turned on he was. He'd never felt anything like it before, and it would have been frightening had he not forced himself back behind his Zero mask before it could really take hold. He strode across the room, opened a glass fronted cabinet and selected a small, but powerful, vibrator, then came to stand in front of Suzaku again. Suzaku looked up at him, his expression hazy, but also clearly relieved to have Lelouch in his sight again. Lelouch knew another rush of heat and power through his body and stood firm. "Suzaku." He held up the vibrator, and Suzaku focused on it bleerily, then his eyes widened.

"I want it," he said, without hesitation, and they both felt his honesty like a headrush. Who knew it could feel this good to tell the truth? Lelouch stepped closer, and Suzaku opened his mouth. Lelouch felt his toes curl against the floor, but managed to keep his composure and turned on the vibrator, the sound now echoing through the room. He kneeled in front of Suzaku, then slid it under the knot just above his pubic bone.

Immediately all the rope around Suzaku began to vibrate, resonating out from where the toy sat and concentrating at every knot. He became intensely and viscerally aware of each point of contact, up and down his chest, around his thighs, even in his arms, but most powerfully in the knots above his pubic bone and behind his erection. Suzaku cried out and every muscle in his body gripped hard in arousal, which only pulled the ropes even tighter. "Oh my- fuck! I-"

"Color?" Lelouch asked, getting to his feet.

"Green!" Suzaku threw his head back in an ecstatic cry, then began to shift against the ropes, trying to get some of the vibration and pressure, any of the vibration and pressure, to actually touch his throbbing, oozing erection. However, the ropes held him steady, and the struggling only teased him further. "F-fuck!" He tried again to hide his face in his shoulder, but still, the ropes made that impossible.

Lelouch sat back on the black leather couch and crossed his legs, knowing another rush of that primal arousal and power at making Suzaku feel and act this way. However, he just took deep breaths, pushed the feelings down and pressed his thighs together.

Suzaku continued to struggle against the restraint, becoming more desperate by the second, until all the ropes felt like white hot wires against him, every knot like a cigarette burn. "Lelouch!" he moaned, longingly, his inner thighs trembling so badly he felt like he might fall over. Lelouch's entire body tensed, then released, at the sound of his name spoken that way, and his erection throbbed.

"Yes?" he replied, in a valiant attempt at his cool, unbothered work voice. Suzaku faced him, his gaze bleery, but imploring, his green eyes shining beautifully against his flushed skin and sweaty hair. He focused on Lelouch's face, his best friend of so many years, but who had been out of his life for equally as long.

"Lelouch," he moaned again, a new but not unfamiliar sensation building painfully inside him. That one knot… Suzaku shifted again, wanting, no needing, something, anything! "Lelouch I need…"

"What do you need, Suzaku?" They stared at each other, it might have been for a second, a minute, an hour, a few candle lit nights. "What do you need, Suzaku?" Suzaku's lips parted and Lelouch held his breath. Another indescribable amount of time passed, and the pressure built in a crescendo between the two of them…

…but then Suzaku's eyes filled with tears. Lelouch was on the floor in front of him at once and took hold of the sides of his face. "Suzaku." He managed to focus on Lelouch, but then he blinked and the tears slid down his face. "Color?" Suzaku blinked more tears out of his eyes and took a shuddering breath.

"Green…" However,

"Don't be stubborn!" snapped Lelouch, not Zero. He removed the vibrator and shut if off before taking hold of Suzaku's face again. For a moment all was echoing silence, then Suzaku took a deep, shuddering breath. In the loss of sensation, all the pressure inside him rushed up into his chest, still arched forward by his bound arms, then into his throat, which burned, then out of his mouth as he began to cry, tears splashing down the backs of Lelouch's hands.

"Don't leave!" he cried, desperately, and Lelouch's own throat burned.

"I won't," he assured him, his stomach heaving as he said it.

"Don't leave!" Suzaku begged. "Please don't leave!"

"I'm not going anywhere," Lelouch told him, firmly, though his hands shook violently. "I'm here, Suzaku."

"My parents left, you left, Euphy left, I left, and now I'm alone!" Suzaku continued, barely aware of what he was saying but viscerally aware of how good it felt. Supported by the ropes, by Lelouch's hands and voice, the tears and words poured out of him. "It hurts!" he wept. "It hurts so much, Lelouch!"

"I know," breathed Lelouch, his stomach heaving again. "I know…" He hesitated. "Nakanaide."

The soothing word in Lelouch's voice in Suzaku's mother tongue sent him completely over the edge, and he cried harder than he had done in many years, or perhaps ever. His whole body heaved with the force of it, but it felt so unbelievably good. He cried and shook and repeated, "It hurts… I left… I'm alone…" over and over, while Lelouch just held him steady, listening and watching and waiting.

Eventually, Suzaku's crying slowed, then finally stopped. Lelouch gave him a moment, then said, gently, "Very good." Suzaku sniffed. "Very good." Suzaku blinked a few times. "I'm going to untie you now." Suzaku sniffed again, then nodded and closed his eyes.

Lelouch carefully undid every knot and slid the ropes off Suzaku's body. The moment he was able, he hugged his knees to his chest, breathing deeply through his nose and shivering. Lelouch hesitated, then put his arm around him. Suzaku sighed and leaned his head against his shoulder, breathing deeply through his nose. Lelouch kept his eyes open, reminding himself over and over that they were in The Dungeon, not either of their father's houses, that they were capable adults, not ill equipped teenagers, that he was Zero, not Lelouch! However, he could feel Suzaku shaking, smell his hair and his sweat, all the while his words echoed continually in his ears.

"Don't leave!" "My parents left, you left, Euphy left, I left."

I left… what did that mean? Was he talking about their falling out or something else? Did he dare ask? Fear clenched around Lelouch's heart like an icy fist, but he just took deep breaths and forced himself to stay focused. He couldn't get distracted, Suzaku needed him! However, at that thought, his Zero mask, already hanging by a thread, fell away completely, and, reasoning that the session was basically over anyway, wrapped his other arm around him.

Suzaku shifted closer, trying to get as much of his body in contact with Lelouch as possible, feeling half asleep and shivery as though he were trapped in a fever dream, random images and feelings and memories flashing across his brain as the water of their scene drained away. He was twelve and his father was screaming at him for telling his mother what he'd seen. He was seventeen and telling Lelouch he'd asked Euphy to marry him and he wanted him as his best man. He was twenty seven and assuring Euphy he understood how she felt and agreeing to their separation.

"You're fine," said Lelouch, gently. "It's all right, Suzaku. You're fine." Suzaku moaned and reached clumsily for Lelouch's hand like a life preserver, squeezing it as hard as he could. Lelouch closed his eyes as he too was flooded with memories of their time together, but also the nights they'd spent apart, of his heart and mind and body yearning for Suzaku even though he was totally unwilling to do anything about it. He couldn't tell him how he felt because he was positive Suzaku didn't feel the same way and their friendship meant everything to him, and he felt ashamed and cheap jerking off thinking about him, but what else was he supposed to do?

"Lelouch?"

"I'm here." Suzaku rubbed his eyes against Lelouch's shoulder.

"You promise?" Lelouch squeezed his hand.

"I promise." Suzaku sighed and sat up straight, and they looked each other in the face. For a split second, the past hung around them again like a shimmery, humid fog, and something in Suzaku's expression shifted. His lips parted, and again Lelouch felt that fearful, ice cold fist around his heart, but then Suzaku pressed his forehead into his shoulder again.

"Nakanaide," he said, softly, and Lelouch leaned his cheek against the top of his head.

"Nakanaide." At the same time, just how much they'd cared for each other, needed each other, missed each other, rolled over them like a tidal wave. They had to get back to where they were. They would. It was all they both wanted. Lelouch and Suzaku stayed there a long time, until eventually,

"Sorry, I need to stand up, my leg is asleep." Lelouch let go of Suzaku's hand and he shakily stood up. He stretched, then offered his hand to Lelouch. He took it, and he pulled him to his feet.

"Are you all right?" asked Lelouch. Suzaku looked a little shell shocked, but calm. His eyes were puffy, but bright.

"I think so." They were still holding hands.

"Would you like some tea?" Suzaku nodded. He turned towards the door at the exact moment Lelouch turned towards the kitchen. Suzaku cried out in surprise as Lelouch swung around awkwardly, then they both faced each other again.

"Are we not-"

"Where are you going?" They paused, then broke into more laughter.

"What?" Suzaku asked. "Aren't we going to your apartment?" Lelouch's eyes widened.

"Oh… I mean we can, but-" he broke off, very aware he had no legitimate reason to refuse. "I have tea in the kitchen here."

"I'd like to see your apartment though," persisted Suzaku. Lelouch's stomach twisted anxiously, but,

"All right, let's go upstairs then," he said, quietly. Suzaku smiled.

"Let me just clean up a little." He gave Lelouch's hand a squeeze, then headed into the bathroom. Lelouch watched him go, listened to the door open and close and rushed into the kitchen where he'd left his phone to text CC, his hands shaking slightly.

are you home?

no

why, what's up?

nothing important

but could you please give me a few hours?

tell Suzaku I say hi

Lelouch rolled his eyes, though he recognized and appreciated the solidarity, and went to clean up The Dungeon.

Suzaku shut the bathroom door carefully behind him, and turned, keeping his eyes averted from the mirror, but then remembered the curtains covering it. He stared at them for a moment, and his eyes filled with more tears. He couldn't say why it was such a relief to not see his reflection, but this simple consideration made him feel just as supported and cared for as the ropes and Lelouch's voice.

He let the tears fall, feeling suddenly much more aware of his body, aware of all the aches and burns left over from the ropes and knots. He examined his arms in the low light of the electric candles. Like last time, there were no obvious bruises or abrasions. He pulled up his shirt, and also saw nothing, but when he slid his pants down to examine his inner thighs, he went very red at how wet and sticky the inside of his underwear was. He was sure he didn't come, but he couldn't remember leaking this much since those first few times with Euphy, when he felt so in love with her he could barely contain himself. His eyes filled with more tears. He'd had such strong feelings for her and it had all been for nothing.

He wiped his tears away, cleaned up as best he could, then splashed some cool water on his face and changed back into his work clothes before returning to The Dungeon. Lelouch stood waiting for him, arms crossed in front of his chest. "Is everything okay?" he asked. Suzaku nodded, though he couldn't help but blush as they faced each other. Lelouch had tied all those knots so expertly and placed them so intimately. Lelouch had held him close after, had assured him it would be okay while he cried in his arms. Suzaku knew this was all part of Lelouch's job, and he'd said before he didn't get off on doing any of this, but it had still been Lelouch's eyes he'd stared into as he'd oozed all that precum… If Lelouch didn't sleep with his clients, then who did he sleep with? However, all Suzaku said out loud was,

"I'm fine, just coming down." Lelouch nodded sympathetically.

"I know. Let's go upstairs."

Suzaku gathered his things while Lelouch turned off all the electric candles. They put on their shoes, then left The Dungeon, blinking in the ugly fluorescent light of the hallway. Lelouch locked the door and led Suzaku towards the elevators. "It's just one floor," said Suzaku, incredulously, when he pressed the up button. "Couldn't we just-"

"No," said Lelouch so firmly that Suzaku laughed. Lelouch's mouth twitched. "I mean, we could take the stairs," he amended, "but we aren't going to." He smiled at Suzaku, who smiled back, and they stepped into the elevator.

"What's that?" Suzaku asked, pointing at a button with a star next to it.

"It goes to the roof deck," replied Lelouch, pressing the button for one floor up. "I'd show you now but it'll be fucking freezing." The elevator chimed, and they walked back down the same path to Lelouch and CC's apartment. Lelouch's heart sped up a little, but he took a deep breath in, unlocked the door and pushed it open.

"Oh wow," said Suzaku, when Lelouch turned on the lights. "Your place is so nice!"

"Thank you," replied Lelouch, doing his utmost not to be self-conscious. Suzaku stepped out of his shoes and took in the sleek, modern hallway that led to the combined kitchen, living and dining room. Through the wall of windows opposite, the Williamsburg Bridge was visible, its lights and those of the surrounding buildings shining against the black night sky. He smiled. It looked like Lelouch. "Come this way," he said, stepping out of his shoes and leading Suzaku into the kitchen. "You can leave your stuff on the couch. What kind of tea would you like?"

"What do you have?" Lelouch opened one of the cabinets and looked at Suzaku over his shoulder.

"Come and see." Suzaku dropped his bag and winter coat on the couch, then came to stand beside Lelouch. He narrowed his eyes, then pointed at a barley tea on the left. Lelouch smiled and took the box from the cabinet before filling the electric kettle with cold water and the teapot with hot water. He then connected his phone to the bluetooth speakers on the kitchen island to play music. Some relaxing drum and bass filled the room, and Suzaku was reminded irresistibly of their time together in high school.

"How long have you lived in this apartment?" he asked, leaning against the kitchen island.

"CC and I moved in… three years ago?" replied Lelouch. "We bought it with my inheritence." He put a sarcastic emphasis on the word that made Suzaku laugh.

"It's really nice." Lelouch's mouth twitched.

"Would you like a tour?" Suzaku smiled at how forthcoming he was.

"Yes please."

"Well, this is the living room, dining room and kitchen…" Lelouch's mock gracious tone made Suzaku laugh, and his heart swelled in his chest. "That's CC's room," he gestured at a closed door to their right, then led Suzaku back down the hallway, and they both remembered Lelouch pulling him up the stairs at his father's house, showing him where they'd be hanging out and then glaring at him for his opinion. "This is the laundry, this is my bathroom and this," he opened the last door, "is my bedroom." A sudden, nostalgic warmth filled Suzaku's chest. Lelouch's room looked exactly as he would have imagined, all clean lines and smooth surfaces, his bed made neatly in one corner opposite a huge shelf of books on all subjects. Suzaku thought he recognized a few of them from his room at his parents' house, definitely his copies of The Iliad, A People's History of the United States, Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, The Stranger and Brave New World, as well as omnibus reprints of manga they'd read together in Japanese.

Lelouch watched Suzaku closely, wondering what he was thinking, but he just smiled at him over his shoulder, and he smiled back. "The water's probably boiling now." Suzaku nodded and they returned to the kitchen. Lelouch emptied the teapot, added the satchel of barley tea and poured the boiling water over it. A warm, comforting smell filled the room and Lelouch set a timer on his phone. "You can sit down," he said, gesturing at the barstools around the kitchen island. Suzaku did so, wincing a little as his clothes rubbed against where the ropes had bit into his skin. "Are you okay?" asked Lelouch at once, and Suzaku blushed.

"I'm fine! It's just where the ropes-" Lelouch's eyes widened.

"I'm so sorry, I thought-"

"No no, it's all right," interrupted Suzaku. "There aren't any bruises or anything, and… And I don't mind, otherwise I would have said something." He gave Lelouch a look that reminded him, plainly, "just like you told me to." Lelouch rolled his eyes, but he did appreciate it. His phone went off, and when he went to silence the timer, saw a message from Milly.

Hey!

Shirley and I wanna come to this masquerade so you better put us on the guest list or face my wrath!

A string of kiss emojis followed. Lelouch laughed and shook his head.

yes, Captain!

He then texted Rivalz.

Milly's coming to this party!

"Who's texting you?" Suzaku asked, before he could stop himself. He immediately wondered if he'd crossed a line, but Lelouch replied easily.

"My friend Milly. She was asking about the next Masquerade."

"Oh," replied Suzaku, feeling suddenly foolish. Lelouch tilted his head to the side. Suzaku's tone had surprised him. Why was he suddenly getting, not aggressive, but… "What's a Masquerade again?"

"Basically a cocktail party with fetish equipment for guests to play with," said Lelouch. "CC, Kallen and I host them every few months." Suzaku's eyes widened eagerly. "Do you want to come?" Lelouch asked, tentatively, and Suzaku's whole aspect brightened.

"Can I?"

"Well, since you've been to an education event, yes," replied Lelouch, pedantically. "That's a rule I can't break for anyone."

"I understand!" exclaimed Suzaku at once, because it made perfect sense. Lelouch smiled, then went to finally pour the tea. "When is it?"

"Next Saturday. I'll text you all the information."

"Cool!" Lelouch placed a mug of hot barley tea in front of Suzaku, and he picked it up with both hands. "Thank you." He blew on it, then took a careful sip. It was lovely. "Will it be like those parties our parents used to go to?" he asked, playfully, and Lelouch laughed. They both remembered their fathers in suits and Suzaku's mother in glamorous dresses, having drinks in the living room before departing. They'd usually leave them alone with Nunnally, but for big events they'd dress up the three of them and drag them along to spend the evening with the other young people, bored out of their minds and getting up to mischief to pass the time.

"Yeah I'd say so," said Lelouch, fairly. "Our parties are definitely more fun, though."

"Yeah, obviously." They both laughed and sipped tea.

"Remember that one party where we were all playing hide and seek and it got way too serious?" asked Lelouch, and Suzaku's expression lit up.

"When I put you up on that shelf in the coat closet?" Lelouch smiled widely.

"I still go back and forth on whether it was worth it to win," he said, thoughtfully, and Suzaku laughed.

"I think it was!"

"Well you weren't stuck up on a shelf for an hour!"

"Fair!" They drank more tea. "Doesn't it get weird with aftercare and everything at parties?" Suzaku asked next. "I mean if there's other people around…"

"It can," replied Lelouch, "but people are usually cool until they leave. That's when they have their moment."

"Right…" Suzaku drank more tea. "I guess it must be different in front of people."

"Yeah. I find people are more careful about what they say, even if they're out of it."

"That makes sense." Suzaku looked into his mug for a moment. "Have I ever said anything weird?" Lelouch's body tensed.

"Nothing weird, no," he said, but Suzaku pressed on.

"What did I say today?" Lelouch fought to keep his expression neutral and stared hard at Suzaku across the kitchen island. Suzaku hadn't thought it was that serious a question, but suddenly his heart was hammering.

"You asked me not to leave," Lelouch told him, after a long moment.

"Oh," replied Suzaku, blushing. Lelouch nodded, also blushing. Then, feeling like he was walking along the edge of a cliff,

"Then you said, 'my parents left, you left, Euphy left, I left, I'm alone.'" Suzaku was so disarmed that Lelouch had actually said Euphy's name that it took him a moment to register the rest of it. Eventually, however,

"Well, I suppose I did move across the world," he said, rather defensively. Lelouch nodded, his heart speeding up again. They hadn't discussed Suzaku's wife or their separation since that one conversation over text when Lelouch was high out of his mind. He knew he couldn't avoid it forever, but still he waited, watching Suzaku shift against the barstool. Without his Zero mask, he could feel Suzaku's discomfort plainly, and it worried him. "It's not like I wanted to leave," said Suzaku, sitting up straighter, his eyes suddenly flashing. "Euphy-" but he broke off and drank more tea instead. Lelouch just nodded again. "I'm sorry," said Suzaku, shaking his head.

"No," said Lelouch, gathering his courage. "It's fine, what were you going to say?" Suzaku shifted uncomfortably again. Lelouch had finally given him an opening to talk, but now he wasn't sure he wanted to. However, the words were bubbling up inside him like hot magma in a volcano. He didn't want to erupt as he had done in the past, but it was like resisting the urge to throw up.

"Euphy told me she wasn't in love with me anymore," said Suzaku, going very red and staring into his tea as though he'd admitted something shameful rather than heartbreaking. Lelouch's eyes widened and he leaned in closer.

"That's why you're separating?" Suzaku nodded, a hard lump in his throat, still resisting the eruption inside him as hard as he could.

"I'm so sorry," said Lelouch, and he meant it, despite the fact that his heart was pounding and his mind was racing. What exactly did this mean? Were they completely over or was this just a trial? After all, just because she felt that way didn't mean Suzaku did.

"Thanks," said Suzaku, unable to keep the bitterness out of his voice, still staring into his mug of tea. "I guess it's not weird after being together so long, we must have both changed." He swallowed, though the hard lump in his throat made it painful. "I'd just hoped we could have grown together instead of apart. Is that stupid?"

"Not at all," replied Lelouch, thinking of all he and Suzaku had promised each other throughout their adolescence. Suzaku's heart swelled, almost dislodging the lump in his throat.

"Thanks for saying that." He drank more tea, then tried to clear his throat. "Your friend who's getting divorced," he said, still not looking at Lelouch. "Why? If that's okay to ask." Lelouch appreciated this consideration, but was sure Shirley wouldn't mind.

"It's simple. Her dickhead husband was cheating on her and left her for his affair partner." Finally Suzaku looked up, his expression taut with sympathy.

"Oh no…"

"I mean he was always a dickhead, so it's not really surprising," said Lelouch, fairly, "but that doesn't make it any less awful." His expression darkened for a moment, but then he shook his head and drank more tea.

"No," Suzaku agreed with the utmost sympathy. "No it doesn't." He tried to clear his throat again, but the lump there just throbbed painfully. 'Is it fucked up to say I wish Euphy and I were in a similar situation?' he found himself thinking. Indeed, at least in Lelouch's friend's case there had been an explicit transgression and therefore blame could be assigned. In his situation with Euphy, no one was really wrong, and therefore everyone was. Suzaku took a deep breath. "My," but he paused. Saying "wife" had stopped feeling accurate a long time ago, but "ex" was still so sad and defeatist. "Euphy," he said instead, and Lelouch immediately wondered what had tripped him up but was too curious about what was coming to ask. "She started dating a coworker a few weeks ago." He flushed in more shame. "It's not the same thing, but I do feel for your friend." The hard lump in his throat was painful. Lelouch's heart leapt. What did this mean? Was Suzaku free to see other people too? Why hadn't he told him this before?

'Because you didn't fucking ask,' Lelouch answered himself, coldly. He stared across the kitchen island at his best friend, possible responses chasing each other through his head and the possible courses of each conversation following in their choppy, sea sickness-inducing wake. However, he forced himself to focus, to be there as Suzaku's best friend.

"And how are you feeling about that?" he asked, gently. They stared at each other for a full ten seconds, then Suzaku took a deep breath in, knowing he was going to erupt and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

"I feel fucking horrible about it." He shuddered, then told Lelouch everything: how he'd felt blindsided by her unhappiness and dissatisfaction despite deep down agreeing with her, how they'd decided to try a separation and then see what happened after though he was positive she'd already checked out, how they'd stayed in contact the whole time he'd been in New York, talking almost every day and Facetiming once or twice a week like absolutely nothing was wrong, how they'd agreed to see other people during their separation and how she felt it was better if she told him about it despite how much it hurt.

Lelouch listened to it all and said nothing except "Mm…" and "Right…" and "I see…" though of course inside he was reeling. Suzaku was clearly unhappy with their arrangement, but was also unwilling or unable to say so. Was that because he still loved her despite agreeing they'd grown apart? Or was he afraid of something else? What was he trying to prove? Lelouch knew Suzaku's parents' marriage had fucked him up, but was such an A to B cause and effect really all that was happening? Lelouch had known for a long time that nothing was ever that simple, and even if if were, what the fuck was he supposed to do now?

"But I can't even really be upset about any of it, given that we've been doing these sessions…" Suzaku's voice trailed off, but Lelouch said, simply,

"Don't. It happens all the time."

"What?"

"It happens all the time, people feeling like they can't be upset about their partner's behavior because they pay me to time them up once a week."

"Really?" asked Suzaku, stunned despite how casually Lelouch said it.

"Oh my god, yes!" he replied, as though it were obvious.

"So what do- I mean… Does it…?"

"Does it bother me?" asked Lelouch. Suzaku nodded. "Not really." Suzaku raised his eyebrows. "I try not to get involved in my clients' personal lives beyond what they tell me, but sometimes I do question if it's right to be complicit in them lying to their partners." Suzaku nodded, though he wasn't sure he understood. "I'm not saying anything's right or wrong, but think about it this way: it's never just them getting tied up. The shibari is usually them trying to cope with something else, or a symptom of a larger problem." Suzaku said nothing. "I'll give you an example. My last client yesterday, she originally came to me because her husband isn't into any BDSM play and she was unfulfilled, but from what she's told me, that's not the only thing she's unsatisfied with in their relationship." Still, Suzaku said nothing. "In fact I know that because she's really hurt her best friend is getting married and it's forcing her to look at the situation. That's not my place to say, though." Suzaku just nodded, and for a split second Lelouch wondered if he looked down on him for what he did, but when he spoke, all he said was,

"Am I the same?" He was clearly trying for self-deprecation but he mostly just sounded defeated.

"You tell me," replied Lelouch. Suzaku's eyes flashed.

"Don't deflect, I want to know what you think."

"I, well," Lelouch had sometimes hated how good Suzaku was at keeping him on his toes, and it was weirdly comforting to know he still did. "Feel free to disagree with me, but I think for you… you want equal footing because she's seeing her coworker, and this is a kinder way to do it than just going out and hooking up with someone else." They stared at each other across the kitchen island for a moment, then Suzaku set down his mug, covered his face in his hands and pressed them through his hair, looking mortified.

"I always have to spare everyone else's feelings, don't I?"

"Your martyr complex is fucking real," Lelouch told him, bluntly. They stared at each other a moment, then burst out laughing, and it was a while before they could stop. The city lights glittered outside the windows and Lelouch's music switched to a song Suzaku recognized from their time as best friends.

"How do you still know me so well?" Suzaku asked, when they'd finally regained control of themselves. Lelouch just tilted his head to the side.

"You were my best friend for years, Suzaku, it's not weird." The moment Lelouch said it, his stomach disappeared and Suzaku's eyes widened. They had been best friends for years, but why weren't they still? Why was there this huge gap in their history they couldn't talk about? Lelouch's heart leapt into his throat, but he did his utmost to keep his expression neutral. However, Suzaku felt the beginnings of another eruption.

"Lelouch, why-"

but at that exact moment Lelouch's phone went off, making both of them jump. He carefully hid his sigh of relief as he checked it while Suzaku hastily took a sip of tea. "Nunnally's calling me," said Lelouch, and Suzaku was immediately distracted.

"Answer it!" he demanded, so Lelouch took the call and put it on speaker.

"Hello?"

"Hey! Is this an okay time?" Lelouch and Suzaku smiled at each other.

"It's a great time," he replied, because fuck if she hadn't just saved his ass. "Wait one second." He set the phone on the kitchen island and nodded encouragingly at Suzaku, whose face lit up as he said,

"Hi, Nunnally!" She let out a delighted squeal and Lelouch and Suzaku beamed at each other.

"Suzaku! Oh my goodness, how are you?! It's been so long!"

"I'm great, how are you?" Lelouch walked away from the kitchen island to refill the electric kettle, his heart still beating rather fast at his narrow escape.

As Suzaku chatted to Nunnally, he watched Lelouch set the electric kettle in its cradle and turn it on. Even though he didn't get to finally ask what had happened between them, in that moment it was hard to feel disappointed. The three of them reunited, or as reunited as they could be with Nunnally across the country, made it feel like the past was still present. They could enjoy their time together in this warm, bright apartment with a pretty view while drinking hot tea, and that was wonderful.

Suzaku kept his eyes on Lelouch, on his pale skin contrasting with his dark hair and clothes that hugged his body, on his smile as he caught his eye across the room.

Chapter Text

Suzaku gave his reflection one last look over, feeling self-conscious, but excited. He'd asked Lelouch what exactly the dress code was enough times to know that his suit would be fine, but still, he wanted to make a good impression. He picked up the kitsune mask he'd bought from Halloween Adventure and held it up to his face, feeling immediately more at ease. He smiled at his reflection through the eye holes, knowing a rush of mischievous satisfaction, then tucked it under his arm and picked up his phone to let Lelouch know he was on his way, smiling at their long chain of messages.

Since their last session, they'd been texting almost constantly, and it had felt so unbelievably good, almost like old times, but… He eyed Euphy's name below Lelouch's. He'd told her about the Masquerade, and she'd been as supportive as ever, but their back and forth had become stilted, less forthcoming on both of their ends. However, this didn't bother him nearly as much as he'd expected.

Suzaku pushed the thoughts to the back of his mind, gathered his things, threw on his winter coat and was out the door.

Lelouch carefully put in his red color contacts, then stood back from the bathroom mirror, blinking a few times before taking in his reflection. He was dressed in tight black pants and a black latex vest with a mask over his nose and mouth. He smiled, his eyes flashing in the low lights, and was ready for work. He packed his supplies and street clothes back into his bag, then left the bathroom.

Lelouch, CC and Kallen were hosting the Masquerade in the basement of a narrow, dark bar on Essex Street with a stage at the back for live music. Tonight, however, the tripod suspension frame took center stage, surrounded by bundles of rope and lit by fairy lights and electric candles. Their St. Andrew's Cross and submission horse stood in opposite corners across from the stage in between low leather couches. To Lelouch's right was a bar where CC and Kallen stood talking quietly over cocktails. CC wore a black latex mini dress and Louboutins, Kallen a red latex body suit and Dr. Martens, and they were both standing on a man rolled up in a carpet, a sign saying "Please step on me! Especially in heels!" taped to the outside. They broke off their conversation and smiled at Lelouch behind their black and red eye masks. Kallen wolf whistled, and Lelouch gave a sarcastic royal wave as he made his way over.

"You two look nice," he said, handing his bag to the woman running the coat check beside the bar.

"Thanks," said Kallen, raising her glass at him. He gave the room one last check over, making sure all the "NO PHONES" signs were clearly visible and the ropes and floggers, other toys and Polaroid cameras were displayed neatly throughout the room, then caught the bartender's eye and ordered the only drink he'd allow himself. "You all right?"

"Of course," said Lelouch, in his work voice, picking up their iPad from the bar and starting their curated playlist. A low, throbbing synth riff rippled out through the room, and the mood was set.

"Good," said Kallen. "Shirley just texted me. She's pregaming with Rivalz, Milly and Mao, but they'll be here soon."

"Cool," said Lelouch. The bartender slid his drink towards him. "Thank you." He clinked his glass against Kallen's and CC's, then pulled his mask aside to take a sip.

"Have you heard from Suzaku?" asked CC, shifting her weight and pressing her spiked heel into Carpet Man.

"He's on his way," replied Lelouch, with dignity, and she smiled, then addressed Kallen,

"So what were you saying about your stupid coworker?"

"Oh my god he's so ridiculous! He wants to be that guy in the office that everyone's cool with, but I'm telling you, he's fucking delusional, I-" Lelouch smiled and watched Kallen rant and rave. While setting up, she'd told them her mother seemed to be in a rare calm spell and was recovering well in the rehab facility, though her father still hadn't been to see her and she was still dreading her release. However, Lelouch was pleased that she was more relaxed than she'd been in months.

As they finished their drinks, their models from the show at House of Yes arrived, waving before rushing off to the bathroom to change into lingerie and fetish wear. Lelouch, CC and Kallen looked at each other, then headed over to the base of the stairs to check in their guests properly.

Over the next half hour, people came down the stairs, alone or in twos and threes. There were couples of all ages, distant friends of Lelouch, Kallen and CC, local musicians and artists, newcomers he recognized from the education event at The Museum of Sex. Diethard shook Lelouch's hand vigorously before heading to the coat check, eyeing the Polaroid cameras, then Lelouch's private client arrived, dressed in a black velvet cocktail dress with her winter coat draped over her arm.

"Nice to see you," Lelouch told her, after she'd given CC her name. Close up, he could see dark circles under her eyes, but she just smiled and looked him up and down with great interest.

"Wow, you too!" she replied, shifting her winter coat to her other arm. Lelouch bowed his head graciously.

"How are you? How was-" but she held up her hand.

"I'll tell you next session." Lelouch's eyes widened in trepidation, but he nodded.

"Coat check is there. Have a drink and relax."

"Thanks," she replied, smiling, and made her way over. Lelouch watched her go, concerned under his Zero mask, but then felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned and found himself face to face with Suzaku, dressed in his nicest work suit and a kitsune mask similar to those they'd worn to summer festivals together, though this one only covered his eyes.

"Hello," he said in his work voice, and was sure he saw Suzaku shudder in the low, flickering lights from the electric candles.

"Hi, I'm sorry I'm late, the train got delayed."

"Oh? Where's your delay certificate?" Suzaku definitely shuddered that time, and his eyes, so pretty and green through his mask, widened innocently.

"I-"

"I'm joking." Suzaku burst into relieved laughter and pressed his hand to his chest, making Lelouch laugh too.

"Oh my god! Sorry your voice was just..."

"Good, it means it's still effective." They shared another laugh. "Come this way." They headed over to the coat check, and Suzaku handed the woman his winter coat with a smile.

"Is what I'm wearing okay?" he asked, tucking his ticket into his pocket. Lelouch looked him up and down, and he blushed behind his mask.

"You look great," he assured him, which was perfectly true. Suzaku had always worn a suit well.

"Thanks, so do you," replied Suzaku, his face still hot under his mask. "What's this made of?" He gently pressed his fingertips to Lelouch's vest, and he took a sharp breath in. "Oh…"

"Latex," replied Lelouch on his exhale.

"I see, it feels-"

"LE- oh no, my bad, ZERO!" Lelouch and Suzaku turned to see Rivalz waving as he made his way over to them with Mao, Milly and Shirley in tow.

"Hey," said Lelouch, clasping hands with Mao and Rivalz and kissing Milly and Shirley on the cheek through his mask. "Thanks for coming!"

Suzaku stepped back as they all engaged Lelouch in conversation and checked their coats, figuring these must be the friends he'd mentioned. His heart sped up excitedly as he waited to be introduced.

"How are you?"

"Mediation is exhausting, I'm so excited to blow off some steam!"

"Oh I'm fine, you know me!

"Bro I gotta tell you about my shift yesterday-"

"So you must be Lelouch's friend he's been keeping from us." Suzaku started and turned to the young man in a white suit and blindfold. He smiled knowingly, and Suzaku laughed rather awkwardly, but couldn't help but feel gratified.

"I guess I must be," he replied. "Nice to meet you, I'm Suzaku."

"Mao! Nice to meet you too!" They shook hands. "Can I-"

"I'm so sorry! I should have introduced you straight away," interrupted Lelouch. He stepped between them, took Suzaku by the arm and wheeled him around to face the rest of the group. "Everybody, this is Suzaku, my best friend from growing up." Milly raised her eyebrows behind her lacey cat mask and Rivalz and Shirley exchanged a curious look behind their own simple fabric ones. After agonizing over it for nearly two weeks, Lelouch had decided "my best friend from growing up" would be the best way to introduce Suzaku to his friends, and they all stepped forward eagerly.

"I'm Milly! I didn't know Lelouch had friends besides us!"

"What's up, I'm Rivalz, nice to meet you!"

"My name's Shirley, I love your mask!"

Suzaku felt a little overwhelmed, but his heart swelled in his chest. Lelouch's friends all seemed so nice, and he couldn't remember the last time he'd received this much positive attention outside of work.

"So I'm buying all my friends, who aren't on the clock, shots!" Mao declared, once Suzaku had had his hand wrung by everyone.

"How considerate," said Lelouch, rolling her eyes. Mao just gave him a sanctimonious little nod, seized Suzaku and Rivalz by the elbows and led them to the bar. Lelouch immediately stepped forward to rescue Suzaku, but Shirley caught him by the arm, and Suzaku gave Lelouch an "it can't be helped!" sort of look over his shoulder as he was led away. Lelouch watched helplessly, trying not to panic at the idea of Mao having Suzaku in his clutches as he addressed Shirley.

"What's up?" She looked rather embarrassed, but determined all the same.

"Could you do something for me?" she asked.

"Of course," said Lelouch at once, though he had no idea what was coming. Shirley took a deep breath in.

"I tried to tie, I'm pretty sure it's called a star harness? On my chest, but it just wasn't working, could you…?"

"Tie one on you?" Shirley blushed, but Lelouch just smiled behind his mask. "Absolutely." She flushed.

"Thank you! I found a good tutorial on YouTube but I swear I'm all thumbs…" Lelouch waved the words aside.

"No worries at all. Do you have rope?" Shirley nodded, opened her purse and extracted a length of pink nylon cord.

"Is this okay?"

"Yes, definitely. Hold your arms out to the sides of the room." He'd softened his work tone, but she still shuddered as she obeyed. Lelouch unbound the rope and found the bite. "What inspired this?"

"I just thought it would look cool," replied Shirley, as though admitting something embarrassing. "I don't have any real fetish clothes but I wanted to wear something more exciting than just a nice dress, so…"

"I completely understand," Lelouch assured her.

At the bar, Suzaku was being interrogated by Milly and Rivalz, who had wasted no time in wanting to know where he was from, what he did, what brought him to New York… He'd been asked all these questions by his coworkers, obviously, but he was much happier to answer Lelouch's friends. However, when he happened to look over at Lelouch, his stomach twisted uncomfortably. He was tying a rope harness around Shirley's chest and shoulders, and Suzaku could tell even under his mask that he was smiling, and she was smiling back, and her body was swathed in a sexy pink cocktail dress.

"Is tequila cool with you, leng zai?" asked Mao.

"What? Oh yes of course, that's fine," replied Suzaku, barely aware of what he was agreeing to in his distraction.

"Dope," said Mao, setting a shot glass down in front of him. "Gimme your hand!" Hating to take his eyes off of Shirley and Lelouch, even though it made him feel sick to watch, Suzaku faced the bar and allowed Mao to sprinkle salt onto the back of his closed fist. "Shirley! Hurry your ass up!" Mao yelled across the room.

"Fuck off," muttered Lelouch, finishing the last knot before stepping back to admire his work. "Perfect." Shirley looked down at the star shape on her chest, then beamed at Lelouch.

"Thanks, Lu- sorry, Zero! I love it!"

"Good. Now go take Mao's shot before he throws a shit fit." Shirley rolled her eyes, then giggled and hurried over.

"Now that's what I like to see!" exclaimed Milly, while Rivalz and Mao made approving noises.

"Stop it," Shirley shot back, though she was smiling through her blush. Suzaku tried to smile too, but it was more of a grimace. Fortunately, no one noticed as Mao sprinkled salt onto the back of Shirley's hand, then set lime wedges on square napkins beside everyone's shot glasses.

"Cheers!" cried Mao, and everyone picked up their glasses and clinked them together before licking the salt off their hands and downing the tequila. Suzaku flushed and his stomach heaved in protest, he hadn't taken a shot in years, then seized the lime wedge and bit into it with relief. He sucked it dry, then set the rind in his empty shot glass and looked around for Lelouch, but couldn't see him in the suddenly thick crowd.

"I'll be right back," he told the group, who all smiled and nodded, and hurried through the party. Fortunately, he found Lelouch quickly, standing with his arms folded beside the stage, watching a woman dressed in a black jumpsuit with a tattoo of a jellyfish on her forearm growing increasingly annoyed by a tall man with a ponytail and beard. Suzaku paused, noticing Lelouch about to step between them, but then,

"I don't speak to the press," said the woman, coldly, and she sauntered away. Deithard stared after her for a moment, then caught Lelouch's eye. Lelouch gave him a "you deserved that" sort of look, then turned to Suzaku.

"I didn't mean to leave you by yourself, I'm sorry, I just saw that and-"

"It's okay," said Suzaku at once, not really understanding. Lelouch leaned in closer.

"Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," replied Suzaku at once, though his stomach was still twisting. He took a few breaths, trying to get his wits about him. "I just thought I was the only friend you tied for."

"You are," replied Lelouch, taken aback by Suzaku's tone. "What are you talking about?"

"Your friend just now, she-"

"You mean Shirley?" Suzaku nodded. "That was just a favor, it's nothing serious." Lelouch looked utterly confused, and Suzaku bit his lip, but pressed on.

"I… Could you tie a harness for me too?" He didn't even know why he was saying it, but he knew it was the only thing that would make him feel better, alleviate all the unpleasant sensations in his chest and belly, and it felt good to say it out loud. However, under his Zero mask, Lelouch was more confused than ever.

"I mean of course I can, but-" he broke off, his heart suddenly racing and mind spinning. Was Suzaku…? No, he'd always been possessive, even when they were kids, and Shirley was just his friend. He and Suzaku were just friends. However, he still blushed under his Zero mask, still felt his heart skip in his chest, still felt his stomach hitch.

"Lelouch?" Suzaku asked, suddenly worried he'd crossed a line. Lelouch felt a shiver down his spine, but recovered himself, grateful his Zero mask was so much easier to keep on when there were other people around. Indeed, Zero loved an audience. His eyes flashed, and Suzaku took a sharp breath in.

"Do you want everyone to watch me tie you up?" Lelouch asked in his work voice. Suzaku took another sharp breath in, his face suddenly burning, but his stomach immediately stopped twisting.

"Yes…" Lelouch tilted his head to the side.

"This way, then." Lelouch marched Suzaku over to the stage and they stepped onto it together. The crowd all turned to watch, including Mao, Shirley, Rivalz and Milly at the bar. Kallen and CC looked up from the scenes they were working, and though they didn't stop, they continued to watch out of the corners of their eyes. Lelouch picked up a bundle of rope, then, aware of all the eyes upon them, "Take off your shirt and jacket."

"What?" Suzaku gasped.

"You heard me," said Lelouch. Those people not in scenes gathered in front of the stage. Suzaku shuddered, but that warm, pure water was suddenly lapping tantalizingly at his feet, and he obeyed at once. He disrobed to the waist, his nipples hardening at the exposure. Through the warm, pure water now rising around him, he could hear applause and cheers, and though it made him blush, any shyness he might have felt left him when he made eye contact with Lelouch. Heat flooded Lelouch's chest as he took in Suzaku before him, realizing just how kind their years apart had been to him, but on stage, it only incensed him. He unwound the rope, found the bite and snapped it. Someone in the crowd gasped, but Lelouch and Suzaku barely heard as they stared hard into each other's eyes. Lelouch stepped right up in Suzaku's space and wrapped his arm around him to place the bite of the rope between his shoulderblades. "Color?"

"Green!" Lelouch's eyes flashed and he wrapped the ends of the rope around Suzaku's chest and threaded them through the bite. Suzaku bit his lip as the rope pressed into his bare skin, watching with rapt attention through the eyes of his mask.

"Color?"

"Green!" Lelouch repeated the move twice more, creating a flat band across Suzaku's chest and cinching it tighter each time. Suzaku bit back a moan, feeling held and contained by the sensation even in front of all these people, the warm pure water splashing playfully around him. Holding tight to the slack, Lelouch turned Suzaku to face the audience and stood right behind him. Suzaku gasped, feeling suddenly exposed, but,

"Close your eyes." Suzaku did so with a soft moan that only Lelouch could hear, which again incensed him. He brought the ends of the rope over Suzaku's shoulder and threaded them under the band, then looped it around, and Suzaku's toes curled in his shoes as the rope slid against his nipple. "Color?" Lelouch breathed in his ear.

"Green!" Lelouch dragged the rope across Suzaku's chest and repeated the move, taking deep breaths as he felt him shiver in his arms. Suzaku leaned his head back, and Lelouch brushed his ear with the tip of his nose without meaning to. "Oh…"

"Color?" Lelouch asked, recovering himself.

"Green!"

"Good." Lelouch stepped back and secured the ends of the rope to the back of the harness, then pulled Suzaku around to face him again. For a moment, they just stared at each other through mask and contacts, but then Suzaku smiled softly. Yes. Now he had a harness that Lelouch had tied with his own rope, and everyone had seen it. There was no question.

"Nakanaide," breathed Suzaku. Without breaking eye contact, Lelouch seized the front of the harness and yanked him forward so their faces were suddenly centimeters apart. Suzaku gasped, inhaling Lelouch's hair, his aftershave, his latex vest, and the heat in his chest rushed lower. Lelouch's hand shook slightly, the music pounded in his ears, he felt Suzaku's flush against his own skin. He tilted his head to the side.

"Nakanaide." He shoved Suzaku from him and raised his arms to the audience, which broke into thunderous cheers and applause. Suzaku gasped and stood just behind Lelouch, but then he took his hand and raised it into the air. Realizing what he wanted, Suzaku faced the audience, his free hand balled into a fist in front of him. They took their bow to more applause, then Lelouch let go of Suzaku's hand and stepped off the stage, breathing hard into his mask. Suzaku snatched up his jacket and dress shirt and held them in front of him, then stepped off the stage too, feeling rather windswept but pleased, and followed Lelouch into a relatively quiet corner while people in the crowd returned to whatever they'd been up to, or, inspired by the display, went to the other set ups and began to play with the equipment.

Lelouch breathed shallowly against the inside of his mask and Suzaku's heart beat hard against the harness. "Are you okay?" asked Lelouch. In response, Suzaku just pulled him into his arms. Lelouch gasped, but then held Suzaku tightly, digging his fingertips into his upper back. Suzaku's erection twitched, but he didn't pay it any mind.

"I feel amazing," he breathed, and though Lelouch knew he had to stay focused, that he was at work and had people to attend to, for a split second he allowed his Zero mask to slip. He shivered in Suzaku's arms as he inhaled his hair and sweat and skin, but then just as quickly let go and returned to his work self.

"Nakanaide." Suzaku smiled.

"Nakanaide." A moment's silence passed. "I'll let you get back to work." Lelouch nodded.

"Go have a drink and talk to my friends," he said, encouragingly. "Don't let them give you a hard time, though." Suzaku laughed, but nodded, staring into Lelouch's face, his moon bright skin, dark hair and pretty eyes, then gave his upper arm a squeeze and made his way back over to the bar, pulling his suit jacket back on and smiling at everyone who caught his eye.

Lelouch was immediately captured by a married couple who were clients of his, and they dragged him across the room. They passed Mao on his way to bother CC, and he locked eyes with Lelouch through his blindfold. Even with the fabric over his eyes, his expression was clear, and Lelouch thanked every deity he could think of for their strict "do not talk to me at work" policy.

At the bar, Suzaku ordered a whiskey on the rocks, then jumped when Rivalz and Shirley appeared on either side of him. "That was so dope!" Rivalz cried, shaking Suzaku's hand vigorously.

"Thank you," he replied, taken aback but pleased, blushing under his mask.

"I'd ask if you want a drink but you seem good. Shirley, do you want another?" Suzaku noticed that as Rivalz spoke, his eyes kept darting to Milly sitting on a leather couch across the room, talking to other guests with her feet resting atop a man on his hands and knees in a full latex body suit.

"Oh no, I'm fine! That shot hit me pretty hard!"

"Are you all right?" asked Suzaku and Rivalz at exactly the same time. Shirley giggled and blushed, but reassured them,

"I'm fine!" She stepped forward and was suddenly six inches taller. Suzaku looked at Rivalz, who grinned and pointed. Suzaku did a double take when he saw the man rolled up in a carpet and read the sign. However, before he could comment, "In fact I'm feeling the best I've felt in a while!" She pressed her fingertips to the harness on her chest, which distracted Suzaku completely.

"Okay cool," said Rivalz. "I'm gonna…" He turned very awkwardly and headed across the room. "Milly!" Shirley and Suzaku watched him go, then she turned to him and smiled.

"Don't mind him," she said, confidentially, stepping off of Carpet Man.

"I wasn't." They moved a little further down the bar, watching Rivalz sit on the couch beside Milly and accept a foot rub from someone standing by wearing cat ears. Milly laughed and ruffled his hair. Shirley beamed, then turned to Suzaku.

"So you knew Lelouch growing up?" She pressed her fingertips to the harness again, and Suzaku wondered if this was a test. What exactly she knew, if anything.

"Our fathers worked together," he said, deciding to proceed as though she knew nothing. "We met in Tokyo when Lelouch's father was doing business there and brought him and Nunnally with him."

"Ahh, so one of those 'parents are friends so the kids have to get along' type things?" Suzaku laughed, because it was true.

"Yes, exactly." He sipped his drink, then touched his own rope harness. "We actually hated each other when we first met." Shirley giggled.

"I know what you mean! I met Lelouch in college and thought he was," she paused.

"Yes?" prompted Suzaku, his curiosity at what she'd say eclipsing his suspicion for the moment. She'd known Lelouch during their time apart, though of course he'd known him first and for longer.

"I thought he was just some arrogant brat," Shirley admitted, and Suzaku burst out laughing, he couldn't help it. "What?!"

"No, I just know exactly what you mean!" he said, and Shirley smiled widely at him.

"Right? But then I actually listened to what he said in class and saw how he helped Kallen out with her mom and realized he actually does care about other people, a lot more than he does about himself, truly, he just has to come across as logical about it, you know?"

"I do know," replied Suzaku, half affectionate and half competitive. However, Shirley just beamed and ran her fingers over the rope on her chest.

"So what brings you to New York?"

"Work," Suzaku replied, sipping whiskey.

"What do you do?"

"I'm a civil engineer, I'm working on a contract with an architecture firm." Shirley's eyes widened.

"That's impressive! You got headhunted, or?" Suzaku blushed and took another sip of whiskey.

"Oh no, I applied on a whim and got lucky."

"Don't downplay your accomplishment, that's a big deal!" cried Shirley. Suzaku just stared at her, completely unsure how to take this. He knew logically that she was right, but it was still hard to hear, and she'd asked Lelouch to tie a harness around her, but she was being so kind to him just because they were both his friends.

"Thank you," he said, completely disarmed. He drank more whiskey.

"Is this your first time in New York?"

"Oh no, I used to spend summers here with Lelouch when we were in high school." He watched her closely to see how she'd take this, and she sighed impatiently and shook her head, her long hair swinging.

"I've known Lelouch so long and I'm still finding out new things. I can't believe he never told us about you!"

"He's secretive," said Suzaku, with authority, pressing his fingers against his rope harness.

"True," Shirley agreed, and for a moment she and Suzaku watched Lelouch across the room tying his married couple clients together in intricate patterns. "He seems more open with you though."

"You think so?" asked Suzaku, surprised but gratified.

"Definitely! It's really sweet, actually." Suzaku could tell she was being totally sincere, and any lingering competitiveness left him. "Don't tell him I said that, though." Suzaku laughed and took another sip of his drink.

"I won't," he assured her, and she smiled.

"Is New York very different from Tokyo? I've never been."

"In some ways, definitely," Suzaku said, slowly, "but I like how it's different, and I needed a change of scene."

"Why, did something happen?" Shirley asked, tilting her head to the side. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was her recognizing his and Lelouch's closeness, but Suzaku didn't mind her forthrightness.

"You could say that," he replied, then, deciding on a whim to continue, "My wife and I had just decided to separate, so I thought I'd give us some space and… maybe also try and reconnect with an old friend." He shuddered, taken aback by his own honesty. However, before he could think about it too much,

"Oh my god I'm so sorry," said Shirley, taking hold of Suzaku's upper arm sympathetically.

"Thank you," he replied, gratitude welling up unexpectedly inside him.

"I know how hard that all is, I'm… well I'm soon to be divorced. I'm in mediation with my ex over our apartment right now." Suzaku remembered Lelouch telling him one of his friends was also going through a separation and divorce, and his heart swelled in solidarity.

"I'm so sorry to hear that," he said, and he meant it. Shirley squeezed his arm again.

"Thank you, but it's okay, really, I just wish he'd stop fighting with me. You know, I wanted to work it out, but he just wanted his affair partner, and now he won't even sign the paperwork and keeps dragging everything out, like…" She shook her head, then waved at the bartender and ordered a drink.

"That's terrible," said Suzaku, his heart aching for her. Shirley nodded.

"It is. I don't know-" but she broke off, blushing. "I'm sorry, I just met you and I'm already telling you all this!"

"No, not at all," Suzaku assured her, his heart still aching for her. "I appreciate it, actually, I don't know anyone else in my position besides my ex." He hadn't meant to say it so easily, but there it was. He took another sip of whiskey. "So I don't really have anyone I can discuss it with." The bartender set Shirley's drink in front of her.

"Thank you!" She took a sip, then turned back to Suzaku. "That's going to make it way harder, keeping it all inside. I learned that the hard way, please save yourself the trouble." Suzaku knew she was right, but fuck it if it wasn't hard to actually put into practice. He gently fingered the ropes around his chest, thinking that the only time it seemed to feel good to tell the truth was when he was tied up in shibari, then realized how bizarre it was to be having this conversation about ending marriages and painful emotions when people around them were being tied up and whipped and stepped on and literally objectified. Or maybe, that was why he could. The alcohol of course helped.

"Do you like all of this fetish stuff?" asked Suzaku.

"Oh no, I feel I'm way too vanilla for all of this," replied Shirley without a moment's hesitation, and again Suzaku appreciated her forthrightness but also knew a rush of relief. Lelouch was just doing her a favor by tying the harness. It really wasn't that serious. "But my ex used to hate that I had close friends in this community, so," she shrugged and sipped her drink. "This is to spite him, I guess. But I'm not a spiteful person!" Suzaku laughed.

"I understand, don't worry." He thought of his and Lelouch's conversation after their last session. "My ex is dating her coworker already, so I'm doing the same thing in a way." Shirley smiled.

"So you get it! That's so reassuring!" Suzaku flushed uncomfortably, but Shirley saved him the trouble of responding. "How long were you and your ex together?" It was much easier to hear than he'd expected.

"Together for ten years, married for nine."

"Wow!" exclaimed Shirley, her eyes huge in the low light. "That's brave, making that kind of commitment so young!" Suzaku had never heard it phrased that way before and appreciated it more than he ever could have imagined.

"Brave maybe, but also stupid in hindsight given what happened."

"That's not true!" Shirley contradicted him, fiercely. "No one gets married thinking they're going to divorce, you couldn't have predicted that!" Again, gratitude welled up unexpectedly inside Suzaku. His throat burned, but he swallowed it with more whiskey.

"Thank you," he told her, in a slightly constricted voice. "You're so nice to say all of this."

"I'm sorry, is it too much?"

"No! No not at all, I really appreciate it. I think I've actually been needing to hear it." Shirley nodded.

"Like I said, going through it alone makes it twice as hard for no good reason."

"Yeah… yeah I suppose it does." Shirley smiled. "So what do you do?"

The rest of the night flew by in a fun whirl of more drinks, more good conversation, taking Polaroids and watching fetish scenes. Suzaku always had Milly, Shirley, Rivalz or Mao at his side, but talked to other guests too, and it was way more fun and far less awkward than he'd expected. CC, Kallen and Lelouch would drift over periodically to check in, but were too busy working the party to really contribute. However, Suzaku still felt so welcomed, so included, and he hadn't expected it at all but he loved it. Then, at 11:30,

"Last call, everyone! Last call!"

In the upheaval of the remaining guests rushing to the bar, Kallen took Lelouch by the arm. "Are you okay?" she asked, under her breath.

"Yes," said Lelouch, and it was pretty much true. He waited, wondering if she'd say more, but she just went back to the bar, and Lelouch hesitated, then followed. He caught Suzaku's eye, and he beamed at the sight of him. Even under his Zero mask with his audience, it made Lelouch's heart skip to see him smile like that. "Are you having a good time?" he asked, coming to stand beside him.

"Yes!" replied Suzaku at once. "Your friends are all so nice!"

"Yeah, they're okay," Lelouch conceded, affectionately.

"You said before I could hang out with you all when you're not working," Suzaku reminded him.

"I did say that, didn't I?" he sighed in sarcastic resignation. Suzaku laughed, and Lelouch's heart throbbed in his chest. "I'll plan something."

"Good," said Suzaku, robustly, then, lowering his voice, "When are you gonna tie for me again?" Lelouch's stomach hitched.

"Whenever you want."

"This week," said Suzaku, firmly, pulling gently at the edge of Lelouch's latex vest. "And I want to come to The Dungeon again."

"So demanding," said Lelouch, in his work voice, and though Suzaku shivered excitedly, he didn't back down.

"But I didn't disobey or question you." Lelouch took a sharp breath in through his nose, goose bumps erupting up his arms. Suzaku bit his lip as heat flooded his chest, making him suddenly and viscerally aware of the rope harness. He stared into Lelouch's eyes, shining in the fairy lights and electric candles. Lelouch stared back, doing his utmost to keep his composure, but fuck…

"That's true," he agreed, eventually, and Suzaku smiled in satisfaction.

At the other end of the bar, Milly and Rivalz were talking quietly while Shirley and Mao were arguing back and forth. Between the two groups, CC and Kallen stood, watching Lelouch and Suzaku, though only Lelouch noticed and he ignored them pointedly when they tried to catch his eye.

At midnight, the party was over, and all the guests began to collect their things. Lelouch, CC and Kallen stood by the door, saying goodbye to everyone, some leaving battered and bruised, others relaxed and satisfied, but they were all clearly pleased. Lelouch's friends were the last group to head out. He shook hands with Rivalz, kissed Milly and Shirley on the cheek, then gave Mao the finger. Mao waggled his tongue obscenely, then he and the others said goodbye to Suzaku and left together.

"Do you need any help cleaning up?" Suzaku asked Lelouch, Kallen and CC.

"Nah, it's all good," replied Kallen at once.

"You just get home safely," added CC.

"Thank you for everything," said Suzaku, and CC and Kallen hugged him goodbye, then stepped away. Lelouch and Suzaku looked at each other for a moment, then hugged each other goodbye. "I'll see you in a few days?"

"You will."

"Thank you for everything, seriously…" They broke apart.

"Do you want me to untie you?"

"What? Oh…" Suzaku looked down at the rope harness around his chest. Half of him wanted to keep it on, but wearing a harness at an event like this was one thing, wearing it on the train was another, even under his winter coat. "I suppose so," he said, regretfully, taking off his suit jacket. Lelouch nodded and set to work, untying all the knots and sliding the rope off of Suzaku, then bundling it up again. Suzaku put on his button down shirt and suit jacket, feeling uncomfortably naked under the crisp fabric.

"Text me when you get in," said Lelouch.

"You too." They stared at each other a moment longer. "Good night."

"Good night." And with that, Suzaku put on his winter coat and left the bar.

The moment he was gone, Carpet Man unrolled himself, picked up his huge rug and slung it over his shoulder. He shook hands with Lelouch, Kallen and CC, then left the bar without a word. CC gave it a few seconds, then flipped on the overhead lights and Kallen stepped behind the bar to shut off the music. Lelouch pulled his mask away from his face and sighed heavily, his chest suddenly feeling constricted and painful. 'What the fuck are you doing?' he asked himself. As if intuiting this, Kallen and CC came to stand in front of him and gazed at him interrogatively. Accusingly, even. "Yes?" Lelouch asked, trying and failing not to sound defensive.

"What are you doing?" asked CC.

"What do you mean?" Lelouch demanded, as though he hadn't just asked himself the same thing.

"Suzaku really didn't know how you felt?" asked Kallen, incredulously, just as she had done outside that warehouse party in Long Island City.

"No," replied Lelouch, doing his utmost not to go red.

"And you're sure he didn't feel the same way?" she asked, equally incredulously.

"Yes!"

"Denial is a powerful drug," said CC, bluntly.

"The fuck are you talking about?" snapped Lelouch. CC raised her eyebrows.

"Exactly what I said. Now help me clean up, I'm not trying to be here all night." Any energy Lelouch might have mustered to argue with her or demand further explanation evaporated, and he ran his fingers through his hair, caught between himself and Zero. However, CC did come up and kiss him on the cheek before going to pack up the ropes, and Kallen gave his arm a squeeze.

"It'll be all right," she said, gently.

"I know," replied Lelouch, though he hated lying to her. "I know."

Chapter Text

I'm so sorry to change our plans at the last minute but is it cool if I come over instead of seeing you at The Dungeon?

CC got a call from a client she hasn't seen in a long time and wants the space

yeah of course

that's problem at all!

awesome

thank you so much for being flexible

don't worry about it!

if anything it forces me to clean my apartment

HAHAH cool I'm glad it worked out

I'll see you later

yes!!!

Lelouch sighed heavily, texted CC and tossed his phone onto his bed, his hands shaking slightly. As always, his plans with Suzaku had had him feeling out of sorts all day, and that was without the almost constant anxiety he'd felt since the Masquerade. The moment he'd gotten home that night, he'd realized tying for Suzaku in front of everyone had been a huge mistake, especially with his friends there. Only Kallen and CC knew what had happened in the past of course, but still, none of his friends were stupid, and Mao had that fucking uncanny intuition. What had he been thinking?!

"I just thought I was the only friend you tied for."

Lelouch wrapped his arms around himself, breathing hard through his nose in a totally pointless attempt to stay calm. Suzaku had always been possessive, there was no point considering any other possibilities. He shouldn't have entertained it! Except that it had felt so good in the moment; Suzaku's smooth, hot skin under his hands, his voice in his ears, his scent in his nose… Lelouch felt himself get hard and dug his fingers into his upper arms. He didn't want to do this. He couldn't do this. He had to stay calm and focused.

He strode into his bathroom to splash cold water on his face. He'd definitely let his audience see too much, let himself feel too much, let the walls he'd worked so hard to build and maintain get too thin. He wouldn't make that mistake again.

He shut off the water and stared at himself in the mirror, breathing hard through his nose. He could do this. He could put on his Zero mask and treat Suzaku as a client, then take out whatever frustration and angst on himself later. That had worked so far, presumably it would keep working until Suzaku's contract at ASEEC was up.

Lelouch's stomach lurched, but he just returned to his bedroom, snatched up his work bag, put on his winter coat, shoes and headphones and left the apartment for the snowy, blue and orange sunset.

Suzaku's body was already electrified as he rushed home from work and straightened up his apartment. Admittedly there wasn't that much to do, but it was an outlet for the restless energy that had coursed through his body since the Masquerade and doubled that morning. He bit down on the inside of his lip and took a sharp breath in through his nose as he recalled yet again the ropes against his bare chest, Lelouch's voice in his ears, his fingers in his upper back, his eyes boring into his, his body lithe and angular but also graceful and powerful in his latex and dress pants.

Suzaku took a deep breath in and sighed it out, trying to vent the heat flooding his chest and belly. He was a little disappointed about their change of plans, but knew Lelouch would still take good care of him.

He gave his living room and kitchen one last check over, then looked at his phone. There was nothing new from Lelouch, but there was Euphy's message from that morning he still hadn't replied to.

how was the party?

She'd finally asked after five days, and even though it was a simple question, answering it seemed an insurmountable task.

Suzaku carried his phone into his room, set it on the bedside table beside his kitsune mask and changed into his usual gray sweatpants and t-shirt. He caught sight of himself in the mirror, and didn't look away. He'd gotten so many smiles and so much praise at the Masquerade after he and Lelouch had taken their bow, and while he wasn't, he supposed the word was proud, necessarily, it wasn't embarrassing, which was nice, and-

Suzaku's buzzer went off and he sprinted to the door to let Lelouch up, then opened it and stood on the threshold, the warm pure water lapping at his feet.

Lelouch brushed the snow from his hair and climbed the stairs laboriously, thinking bitterly that he'd hate this less if it had gotten even a little easier, but also that he just fucking hated stairs. However, all these thoughts, indeed any thoughts, were wiped blank from his mind the moment he saw Suzaku waiting for him in his doorway. His lip curled, but at the same time his heart swelled in his chest, and it took him a moment to find his voice.

"Get inside." Suzaku shivered and stepped out of the way. Lelouch entered the apartment, and Suzaku shut the door behind him, already chest deep in the warm water of their scene and eager to be told what to do. Lelouch stepped out of his shoes and strode over to the couch, dropping his work bag on the floor. Suzaku bit his lip as he took off his coat and draped it over the back of the couch, taking in his black button down and dress pants hugging all his lines and angles. Lelouch turned, and his overfull heart skipped at how wide and sweet Suzaku's eyes were, how he was already flushed, how his hands were twisting in front of him, and again it took him a moment to find his work voice. "What do you want?" he asked. Suzaku bit his lip, his pretty eyes widening still further in the lamplight.

"You can do whatever you want to me," he said, softly.

"I can?" asked Lelouch, raising his eyebrows as heat flooded his belly.

"Please," said Suzaku, his heart hammering. Lelouch tilted his head to the side, watching Suzaku get hard in his sweatpants.

"Do you remember the rules?" he asked, doing his utmost to remain professional.

"Yes," Suzaku said, almost impatiently, and Lelouch knew a shiver down his spine. "Can I ask one thing, though?" Lelouch raised his eyebrows again.

"You can." Suzaku swallowed, neck deep in the scene now and much braver for it. He reached down, then pulled his shirt up and over his head. Lelouch took a sharp breath in, staring at Suzaku's smooth, muscular chest, his nipples hardening at the exposure, the v cuts of his hip bones.

"Tie me like this?" asked Suzaku, in just above a whisper. Lelouch felt himself get suddenly, achingly hard, but he ignored it, forcing himself to stay professional, detached, but what wouldn't he give to just pull Suzaku into his arms and- "Please?" Lelouch stared Suzaku hard in the face, which wasn't any easier than looking down, and though he knew it wasn't smart and was viscerally aware of how much he was pushing it,

"Yes." Suzaku's face lit up as he sank under the water of their scene. "Get in your room." Suzaku turned and Lelouch snatched up his work bag and followed him into his bedroom, lit only by the soft bedside table lamp. "Stay there." Suzaku obeyed, closed his eyes and leaned his head back in a soft gasp, his shoulders tensing, fists clenching and erection throbbing. Lelouch stared at Suzaku's strong upper back, watching his muscles flex and extend beneath his tan skin. Under his Zero mask, it felt like high school, getting ready to sneak out late at night to do god knows what, and before he even realized what was happening, he dropped his work bag, stepped forward and placed his hand between Suzaku's shoulder blades.

Goosebumps erupted up and down Suzaku's arms and he let out another shuddering gasp that made Lelouch's stomach hitch, and again he remembered being seventeen, when what kept him up at night was right in front of him- but he forced himself back to the present, to the job he was supposed to be doing, to keeping his Zero mask on.

Lelouch brought his hand up, gripped the back of Suzaku's neck and pulled him closer. Suzaku gasped excitedly as Lelouch spoke directly into his ear. "Arms behind your back." Suzaku nodded against Lelouch's palm and obeyed. "Bend your elbows and hold them." Again Suzaku obeyed, his inner forearms pressing together, and blushed as his bare chest was pushed forward. "Color?"

"Green!"

"Good." Suzaku felt Lelouch let go of him, then heard him unzip his work bag, pick up a bundle of rope and unwind it. His toes curled against the floor as Lelouch bound his forearms together, then threaded the ends over his shoulder, across his chest and back again. He groaned as the rope pulled against his skin, and though he could watch Lelouch's hands doing everything and feel him standing just behind him, he hated not being able to see him.

"Lelouch…" he moaned, and Lelouch paused, holding the ends of the rope so tightly his knuckles were white.

"Color?" he asked, in as much of his work voice as he could manage.

"Green! I just want…" Lelouch secured the ends of the rope to the first knot around Suzaku's forearms, then cinched the harness. Suzaku cried out, feeling held and contained and supported by the ropes digging into his skin, but still… Lelouch stepped right up behind him and his breath tickled his ear.

"What do you want, Suzaku?"

"To see you!" he cried, and his erection throbbed as he spoke his desire out loud. "Please!" Lelouch's heart leapt into his throat, but he took a few deep breaths, trying his hardest to keep it together even though his resolve was unraveling by the second.

"On your knees." Suzaku cried out and got up into his bed to kneel in front of Lelouch, unsteady from his arms being bound and his thighs trembling. However, he sighed in relief at having Lelouch in front of him again, guiding him, touching him and irrefutably there.

"Don't leave," he said, without meaning to.

"I," Lelouch started to say, but again he flashed back to their last summer together, "I-" to their last goodbye at Narita, "I…" to their last Skype call, and that old wound he'd left sloppily stitched up for ten years was suddenly threatening to burst open and Suzaku was in front of him half naked and tied up and begging for him. Lelouch and Suzaku stared at each other for a second that contained an eternity, and he knew there was no way he'd be able to continue. He wasn't Zero, he was Lelouch, and it was all just way too much. He took a deep breath. "Red," he said, his throat spasming around the word as though he'd gagged on it.

Immediately Suzaku's head broke the surface of their scene, his heart racing and eyes widening in concern. "What happened? Are you okay?" He tried to reach for Lelouch, though of course his arms were bound by the rope.

"I'm fine!" Lelouch cried, mortified but still fighting to keep it together. "I'm fine, I'm sorry! I just need to stop!" He rushed to untie Suzaku, swearing under his breath as his hands shook too badly to obey him.

"Lelouch? Oh my god…" A split second before, being bound was blissful, but now it was excruciating. He'd seen Lelouch discomposed and upset before, of course, but this was something else entirely, and he wanted to help!

"Sorry," Lelouch said again and again, finally untying the last of the knots. Suzaku disentangled himself from the rope, got to his feet and rubbed up and down his arms.

"It's okay! What happened?" But Lelouch just turned away, holding his face in his shaking hands. He didn't want to do this. He really didn't want to do this. He had to stay calm, make up an excuse and then get the fuck out of there so he could regroup, but then Suzaku stepped up behind him and placed his hand on his shoulder.

"Don't!" cried Lelouch, before he could stop himself. Suzaku withdrew and held his hand to his chest with the other as though it were wounded.

"I'm sorry, do you just need a second?" he asked, unable to keep the hurt out of his voice. Lelouch gripped his hair, staring hard at Suzaku's bedroom wall.

"No, I'm all right! I'm sorry, I just-"

"You aren't!" Suzaku interrupted him. "You are clearly not all right, why do you always do that?!" He hadn't meant to raise his voice, but his worry had sparked an angry, frustrated fire in his chest.

"I'm fine!" snapped Lelouch. "I just can't keep tying for you!" It was both the most immediate problem and seemed the best way to explain the situation. Suzaku just stared at his back, bewildered.

"That's- okay fine! But I don't care about that right now, what happened?!"

"I don't-"

"Tell me what happened!" Lelouch, already backed into a corner, couldn't take Suzaku's demands in his raised voice. He made for the door, but Suzaku caught him by the arm and forced him to face him.

"Let go of me!" Lelouch looked as if he might cry, but it did nothing to soften Suzaku. Indeed, the fire in his chest was suddenly ablaze, and he was powerless against the eruption.

"No! You can't leave me like this again!" His voice broke as a crippling, paralyzing terror of losing Lelouch rose up inside him. "You already did this to me once! You can't leave without explaining yourself! Please!" His eyes filled with tears and his heart beat against his ribs like a caged bird. "I don't care about the ropes or any of that, just please don't leave me again, I'm begging you!"

"I'm not-"

"YOU ARE!" Suzaku yelled, tears splashing down his face. Lelouch tried to pull away, to close off, to control his emotions, but they'd finally arrived at their falling out, and there was nowhere else to go. "Why did you leave me?!" Suzaku demanded, half furious, half devastated, and Lelouch's stomach heaved, forcing the truth he'd repressed for so long up into his throat. "Why?!"

"Because I'm in love with you!"

If Suzaku had been expecting anything, it wasn't that. He stopped crying abruptly and stared at Lelouch, and nearly a minute passed in ringing silence. "You… you're in love with me?" Humiliated and exposed, Lelouch's stomach heaved again, and more of the truth spilled forth, hot and corrosive and terrifying like a geyser.

"Yes! I've been in love with you since we were kids, and I never told you because I was sure you didn't feel the same way and I thought that I could tie for you and it wouldn't bother me because it's been so long but I can't! It's too much and I'm sorry!" Another minute passed in ringing silence, then Suzaku let go of his arm and pressed his hand to his mouth.

"Oh my god…" he said, stunned, though at the same time he felt as if a veil had been lifted, as though he were seeing the real nature of the world, the actual truth of the universe for the first time. Lelouch wrapped his arms tightly around himself, bracing for impact. "That's why you cut me off when I told you I was getting married…" Lelouch nodded, looked down at his feet and began to cry the way he had as a teenager. Suzaku's heart broke as a tidal wave of guilt rose and crashed inside him. It all made so much sense, how the fuck had he not realized it?! How could he have hurt his best friend, the most important person in his life, this way?! A sudden rush of memories flooded his mind, heart and body, of goodbyes and reunions, of laughing and crying together, of late night Skype calls and precious morning text messages… "I'm so sorry, Lelouch," said Suzaku, his eyes filling with more tears. "You had to keep all that inside, and I-"

"It's fine," said Lelouch, trying to sound composed even though he felt like he'd been skinned alive. He just wanted to run and hide before Suzaku could strike the final blow and reject him for good. However,

"It is not fine!" Suzaku shouted, fresh tears splashing down his face. "Why didn't you tell me?!"

"You know why!" Lelouch shouted back, clutching his chest.

"No I don't!" Suzaku snapped, his chest swelling aggressively as it had done when he was a little boy. "Fucking tell me yourself! I can't fucking read your mind and it's about time you fucking recognized that!"

"Because it would have ruined everything!" Lelouch yelled at his best friend. "There's no coming back from saying something like that and-" his voice broke, but he pressed on, "I couldn't risk losing you, don't you understand?!"

"What?!" demanded Suzaku through his tears. "That doesn't make any sense, why would you have lost me?! I-" but then he stopped when his mind caught up to him. "You… really thought I'd just reject you?"

"YES!" cried Lelouch, gesturing wildly with the hand not clutching his chest. "Of course you would have! And you'd never be able to look at me the same way! But I was fine putting my feelings to the side if it meant I could still be close to you! That was fucking worth it to me, but then you told me you were getting married and-" he broke off and covered his eyes. "So just stop, please! I can't-" again he broke off, his shoulders shaking as he wept into his hands.

Unable to stand it, Suzaku rushed forward and took Lelouch into his arms, and though he shuddered in the embrace, he didn't pull away. Suzaku tried to stay strong, to comfort him, to ground him and reassure him, but the contact, physical and emotional and spiritual, was just too much. He cried out and buried his face in Lelouch's hair, inhaling his achingly familiar smell and exhaling, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…" over and over.

Lelouch kept his hands clamped over his eyes, but fuck if this didn't feel good even as it hurt so much he thought he'd die from it. For the first time ever, he understood what people in the scene meant by "exquisite pain," and he hated it.

Suzaku breathed deeply, crying into his best friend's hair. It wasn't the first time they'd sobbed in each other's arms, but now the veil was lifted, it felt completely different. How had he not realized how Lelouch felt? He knew another flood of memories, of playfights and real fights, of sharing secrets and sharing tears, of seeing each other naked and sleeping in the same bed, of finding the shirt Lelouch had left behind in his bedroom after his last visit.

Suzaku suddenly felt viscerally aware of Lelouch in his arms, the weight of his body, the feel of his heartbeat, the sound of his crying, of all that he held, but also all that he'd lost because he hadn't realized… He stroked Lelouch's silky hair.

It had been one of Lelouch's button downs, like the one he was wearing now, and he'd burst into tears and rubbed it against his cheek. He'd been sure Lelouch had left it there by accident, but some part of him had hoped it was on purpose, as some kind of talisman to hold until they were reunited.

Just like after their last session, Suzaku pulled Lelouch closer to him, trying to get as much of his own body in contact with his as possible, and it felt so unbelievably good. It always had. It always had… Suzaku's stomach clenched.

He'd said at the Masquerade that he'd thought of reconnecting with Lelouch when he'd taken the job in New York. He hadn't meant to say it at all, but now he realized that not only was that true, but that that had been his plan the whole time. He'd cared so deeply for Lelouch, had missed how he made him feel, loved who he was when they'd been together. He'd wanted all of that again. He'd wanted to be with Lelouch again.

Suzaku shuddered, still holding tight to Lelouch and still viscerally aware of how good he felt in his arms. It had always felt so good. He thought again of their last session, of Lelouch holding him as he cried after he'd… after he'd made him so hard and pleased him so well without even touching him… Suzaku shivered and took a sharp breath in. The shibari had been such a convenient excuse, hadn't it?

Another veil lifted. Suzaku straightened up, staring dazedly at the wall. He blinked, and his hazy vision suddenly cleared. Or maybe it was just clear for the first time, without the fog of needing to prove himself or hide feelings or lie. He felt the beginnings of another eruption.

Lelouch sensed the shift and looked up, still crying without restraint, his heart pounding painfully in his throat. Suzaku's eyes were wide, his face was flushed and his lips were pressed tightly together as though he were about to throw up. "Suzaku?" Lelouch asked, tentatively. Suzaku shivered and looked down into Lelouch's face, red and tear streaked and fearful, but still so beautiful. The final veil lifted. He hated himself for not realizing sooner. He swallowed.

"I'm so sorry, Lelouch," he said for what felt like the thousandth time. Lelouch's throat contracted, and he tried and failed to clear it.

"It's fine, it was-"

"No," Suzaku interrupted, but gently this time. "I wish you'd told me, then maybe…" As he stared into Lelouch's eyes, it was as though he could see another life, of following through with their plans to go to school together, of them both working normal jobs, of them living together in New York or Tokyo or both, of them always being each other's most important person. Suzaku gently took hold of Lelouch's face and rubbed his thumbs under his eyes, catching his tears.

"Maybe what?" Lelouch asked, quietly, no idea what he was thinking.

"Then things would have gone better for both of us," said Suzaku, guilt boiling his insides. Lelouch bit his lip.

"Maybe so," he said, bitterly. The future they could have had together, the future Lelouch had mourned, was in front of him again, shining and beautiful and totally unattainable. "It doesn't fucking matter now, though…"

"No it doesn't," agreed Suzaku, and Lelouch closed his eyes and tried to turn away, but Suzaku held him steady and caught his fresh tears with his thumbs. "Nakanaide," he said, and Lelouch shut his eyes tighter, though it didn't stop the tears. "But Lelouch… We could try again." He shivered as he said it, and the nascent eruption inside him suddenly didn't seem destructive, but exciting, encouraging even. Lelouch opened his eyes.

"What?"

"We could try again," said Suzaku, quietly but confidently. Lelouch just stared at him, nonplussed.

"What do you mean?"

"We can't start over, obviously," said Suzaku, gaining confidence with each word.

"Well we can't just go back to being best friends either, now-"

"No no," said Suzaku, and his heart swelled in his chest. "No, but we can go forward as…" A watery smile broke out across his face. "As more than friends." Lelouch stiffened in his arms.

"What do you mean?" He'd usually be running through every possible scenario, trying to plan and account for and scheme, but as he stared into Suzaku's beautiful face, his mind was completely blank. Suzaku laughed softly, watching Lelouch try to put it together, and the eruption was soft and loving but still earth shattering.

"I mean I love you too, Lelouch." The words hung in the air, and though Lelouch had heard them clearly, they made no sense.

"You… what?" Suzaku laughed and tucked a strand of Lelouch's hair behind his ear.

"I love you too," Suzaku repeated, gently. Again, Lelouch heard the words, but didn't understand. "I'm pretty sure I have since we were kids, too, and-"

"You feel the same way?" Lelouch blurted out. The words had finally reached his brain, and he stared, stunned at Suzaku, his face burning. Suzaku smiled.

"I feel the same way," he said, "and I'm sorry I didn't realize it sooner, I guess I was just-"

"In denial?" Lelouch offered, before he could stop himself. Suzaku laughed.

"It's the one thing I've always been good at."

"Yeah," agreed Lelouch, still stunned, not quite believing what he was hearing, but then Suzaku's expression softened in a way he'd never seen before but made his heart race. Suzaku felt the same way… Suzaku felt the same way! Lelouch reached up and touched Suzaku's face with a shaking hand, and he turned and kissed his palm. Lelouch felt the gesture up his arm into his chest, and warmth spread throughout his body.

"But, no more," said Suzaku, sincerely. "I promise." Lelouch swallowed, but nodded. "Nakanaide."

"Nakanaide…" A moment's silence passed, and though they knew what they both wanted, now Lelouch's brain seemed to be working again, he had more to say and was determined to say it all. "If you really do feel the same way-"

"I do," Suzaku assured him, knowing a shiver down his spine. Lelouch managed a smile, but pressed on. "If you really do feel the same way, if you want to," be blushed, "go forward as more than friends," it gave them both a rush to say and hear it, "then you better fucking mean it." Suzaku opened his mouth, ready to reassure him, but then closed it when Lelouch narrowed his eyes. "I'm serious. I don't want to be just a rebound or a distraction or whatever else," he said, and Suzaku nodded, listening as hard as he could. "So either do this for real or not at all." The words hung in the air between them. Suzaku's first impulse was again to reassure, to make promises, to step up and protect, but as he stared into Lelouch's determined, beautiful eyes, he knew that wasn't good enough for either of them.

"As long as you do the same," he said, firmly but kindly. "I can't lose you again, and I promise to be there if you will." They stared into each other's eyes, the prospect shining between them, but,

"How can I trust that?" asked Lelouch, his throat suddenly burning. However, Suzaku smiled encouragingly.

"Because we'll make it work," he told him, with surprising, but comforting, authority. "We'll do what we have to, even if it's hard." Although he didn't mention specifics, it didn't feel like some vague platitude. Suzaku meant what he said, and Lelouch believed him.

"There's nothing we can't do together, right?" he said, echoing their childhood refrain, and Suzaku gave a soft, encouraging laugh.

"Right. Things will change, but-

"-maybe that's not such a bad thing?"

"Exactly, and we'll handle it together, I promise." Lelouch nodded.

"I promise too." He sighed and stared into Suzaku's face, which he'd admired for so long and watched grow and change and mature. "We've grown up," he said, gently, and Suzaku gave another encouraging laugh.

"We have," he agreed, eagerly, noticing the subtle lines around Lelouch's eyes, relics of all the expressions his beautiful face had ever made. His heart swelled almost painfully, pushing the words from his throat. "I love you, Lelouch."

"I love you too." It gave them another rush to say and hear it. For a moment, they just stared at each other, the space between them tender and receptive, until millimeter by millimeter, they moved in closer. Lelouch's hand shook against Suzaku's cheek, and Suzaku threaded his fingers through Lelouch's hair. The tips of their noses brushed softly against each other, their eyes fell quietly closed, then they kissed gently on the lips.

Suzaku took a sharp breath in through his nose, his heart so full he felt it might burst. He'd had no idea what to expect, but it was perfect, and it was only how good it felt that kept him from beating himself up more for not realizing his feelings sooner. Lelouch's head swam and his knees trembled. He'd fantasized about this moment for so long, but it was better than anything he could have imagined. Suzaku's lips were warm and gentle and so full of meaning, it reached deep in his chest, his guts, his very soul. Suzaku made a soft noise into their kiss, then they broke apart and stared at each other, flushed faced and hazy eyed, but hopeful. A whole new future stretched before them, warm and inviting and beautiful and so so right. They smiled at each other.

"Fuck," Lelouch murmered, wrapping his arms around Suzaku's neck. Suzaku replied with a noise somewhere between a laugh and a gasp and kissed Lelouch again, deeper this time. Lelouch moaned softly into his mouth. All the old circuitry in his body that had been off for so long was suddenly flooded with electricity and power. He kissed him back, every sensation magnified, every feeling intensified, and Suzaku shuddered at the sudden wave of emotion.

"Are you okay?" he breathed, pulling away for a moment. Goosebumps erupted up Lelouch's arms at Suzaku's expression, softly concerned but also flushed and lustful. No one had ever looked at him like that, and it was Suzaku…

"I'm okay, I just haven't done anything physical with anyone since I was like, twenty, and," he swallowed, but his mouth twitched in a smile. "And it's you." Suzaku took a shaky breath in, then,

"Well, you're, or… You'll only be my second," he exhaled, shuddering at telling the truth again. "And it's you." Lelouch's eyes widened and his lips parted in a soft gasp. Suzaku rubbed the tips of their noses together. "So I'm okay taking it slow." Lelouch nodded, but then his eyes flashed.

"Not too slow, though." And he kissed Suzaku hard on the lips. Suzaku groaned and thrust his tongue into his mouth, surrendering completely. Lelouch dug his fingers into his upper back and he arched into the touch, heat like he hadn't felt in years flooding his chest and belly as he kissed him deeper. Lelouch moaned, feeling almost uncomfortably in his senses, but he was also more turned on than he'd ever been in his life and he loved it. They stayed there a while longer, then Suzaku pulled out of their kiss to nose softly against Lelouch's cheek, his neck, his ear. Lelouch closed his eyes in a soft gasp, his thighs shaking, and clung to Suzaku tighter.

"Can we lie down?" Suzaku breathed in his ear. "No pressure, I just-"

"Yes," Lelouch interrupted, fresh heat flooding his belly and chest, rushing up his face and neck. He gently extricated himself from Suzaku's embrace and got into bed. Suzaku followed and they lay on their sides facing each other. The soft bedside table lamp illuminated his pretty eyes darkened by lust, his parted, wanting lips. Lelouch's heart swelled in his overheated chest and his throat burned. He bit his lip and gently reached out to cup Suzaku's face. Suzaku closed his eyes at the touch, then,

"Are you okay?" he asked, softly, rubbing his cheek against Lelouch's palm.

"Remember-" Lelouch cleared his throat, blushing. "Remember when we stole your dad's whiskey and went to that summer festival wasted?" Suzaku laughed.

"Of course I remember!" Lelouch rubbed his thumb under Suzaku's eye.

"And then we fell asleep in your bed?" Suzaku shivered and nodded, wondering what was coming. "I should have just kissed you then. I wanted to so badly, I just-" but Suzaku swallowed the words in another kiss. Memories flooded his mind and heart, but now, knowing what he knew, they felt completely different, and more regret twisted his guts. He pulled out of their kiss, staring Lelouch hard in the face.

"We're here now," he reminded him, in a constricted voice. Lelouch knew a rush of excitement down his spine, because fuck if that wasn't true. He kissed Suzaku soundly on the lips and thrust his tongue into his mouth. Excited, Suzaku moaned softly and rolled Lelouch over so he was on top of him. Lelouch cried out, then wrapped his arms around his neck and spread his legs. "Is this okay?" Suzaku asked, settling between them. Immediately they both realized just how hard the other was, and they blushed deeply as they looked at each other.

"It's okay," breathed Lelouch, and Suzaku groaned in relief and kissed him deeply on the lips again before moving to his neck, sucking on his hot, flushed skin and inhaling his sweat and his hair. His erection throbbed and he thrust his hips up without meaning to, but Lelouch just gasped and wrapped his legs tight around him, feeling like he'd been swept out to sea on the powerful current of their arousal. When had any of this ever felt this good? Suzaku groaned and thrust his hips up again, the friction so good even through clothes, and Lelouch dragged his hands down his back to grip his ass with a soft, desirous moan. Suzaku felt the gesture and sound in every nerve of his body and thrust his hips up again, biting down on Lelouch's neck. Lelouch moaned and arched into the sensations, his body acting of its own accord. Suzaku pulled his collar aside and bit down on his neck with another sharp inhale through his nose as he dug his fingers into his ass to pull him closer.

"Fuck," Suzaku groaned, kissing the bite mark just discernable on Lelouch's soft skin before looking him in the face, rocking his hips back and forth against him and doing his utmost not to come into the hot, wanting friction between them. Lelouch's face was beautiful, his expression impossibly erotic. How had this taken him so long?! Lelouch's heart skipped and he bit his lip, a little taken aback by the brazen desire in Suzaku's face, but fuck if it didn't make his erection throb.

"I-" they both said at the same time, then laughed rather desperately.

"You first," said Lelouch in a low, heavy voice that sent a shock of pleasure down Suzaku's spine. He closed his eyes in a lustful gasp, then faced Lelouch again.

"I… I don't want to pressure you," he said, his voice constricted, "I just…" He swallowed, and Lelouch's eyes widened. "I just want you so bad right now…" Yet again, he shuddered at his own honesty, but it felt so good to say it out loud. Lelouch's heart skipped and his erection throbbed against Suzaku's. He wasn't exactly sure what he meant, but he didn't care; any and all possibilities seemed good. He kissed Suzaku deeply on the lips, then brought his hands back around to start unbuttoning his shirt. "Are you sure?" Suzaku gasped, between kisses, goosebumps erupting up his arms again.

"So sure," Lelouch moaned. Suzaku straightened up to give him more room, but he paused with half his buttons undone, completely distracted by Suzaku's strong chest, his broad shoulders, his hipbones above the waistband of his sweatpants, his obvious erection. It was nothing he hadn't seen before, but it was completely different now: Suzaku's perfect body was his to explore, to understand, to please… He placed his hands on Suzaku's chest, feeling his hot, flushed skin, toned muscles, shallow breath and pounding heart. Suzaku gripped Lelouch's wrists and pressed his hands harder against him with a needy moan, feeling the touch all the way to his soul. Lelouch's erection throbbed and dug his fingers into Suzaku's chest, and Suzaku moaned softly again before pulling Lelouch's hands away and kissing each palm.

"Let me," he said, letting go of his wrists to finish unbuttoning his shirt. His eyes darkened lustfully and his erection throbbed almost painfully hard. Now the veil had lifted, now he knew his true feelings, he could really, fully appreciate Lelouch's body, his smooth skin, his lithe frame, his elegant shoulders and narrow hips…

"What?" Lelouch asked, propping himself up so Suzaku could take off his shirt and toss it to the side. Suzaku's erection throbbed almost painfully hard again, oozing precum into his underwear, and he fell back on top of Lelouch, staring him hard in the face.

"You're beautiful," he said, simply. Lelouch's face burned, but before he could say anything Suzaku kissed him deeper than ever, their chests rubbing together in hot, sweaty friction. "And you feel so fucking good," he moaned, rubbing his hands up and down Lelouch's chest before gripping his hips.

"So do you," Lelouch moaned, arching up into Suzaku's strong hands.

"Fuck…" Suzaku pulled away and his eyes fixed upon the pale, kissable skin between Lelouch's hip bones, then his belt buckle, then his erection pressing against his dress pants. Lelouch flushed under Suzaku's wanting gaze. "Lelouch-"

"Suzaku-"

They shared a soft laugh and another deep kiss.

"You first," Suzaku breathed against his lips.

"You can," Lelouch began, softly, his entire body shivering as he drew the words up from deep inside, from a place he'd thought would be sealed forever, "you can touch me, if-" Suzaku swallowed the rest of the sentence in another kiss. They stayed there a long time, relishing their shared excitement but also needing a moment before it became too much, and when they finally did break apart, their eye contact pulsed.

"Are you sure?" Suzaku asked, desperately.

"Yes," Lelouch replied, speaking with his whole body. "And I…" He placed his hand on Suzaku's chest, then dragged his fingertips down to just above his waistband. Suzaku shivered and his belly pulled in and up in excitement, but he didn't take his eyes off Lelouch. "I want to touch you too." Suzaku closed his eyes in a needy moan, his whole body tensing and releasing again, while Lelouch's thighs shook around his waist, his heart and erection both throbbing.

"Are you sure?" Suzaku gasped, forcing his eyes open and staring at Lelouch through a steamy, lustful haze. Lelouch's heart pounded, but,

"So sure." Suzaku nodded and kissed him one more time, then Lelouch unwrapped his legs from around him and they both straightened up to completely undress. Yet again, even though they'd seen each other naked plenty of times, this was completely different, and though they kept their eyes averted, they were still painfully aware of each other's presence. They tossed their pants aside and lay back down facing each other, maintaining determined eye contact and doing their utmost not to look down. A moment's silence passed. Lelouch bit his lip, and Suzaku tenderly cupped the side of his face.

"Are you okay?" Lelouch nodded against his palm, then turned to kiss it.

"I just, never thought this would happen." Suzaku made a sympathetic noise, then kissed him on the lips.

"I never thought I'd hear you say that." His mouth twitched, and Lelouch rolled his eyes, but smiled.

"Shut up."

"Now that I've heard before." Suzaku kissed him before he could answer back. "Nakanaide."

"Nakanaide…"

Lelouch kissed Suzaku deeply on the lips, and he groaned and took him into his arms, shoving his tongue into his mouth and pressing his thigh between his legs. Lelouch gave a soft cry and thrust his hips forward without meaning to, the skin to skin contact electrifying. However, before he could think about it, he realized how hard Suzaku was, hard for him and no one else… He moaned into his mouth and reached down, finally taking hold of his erection.

Suzaku pulled out of their kiss with an ecstatic cry, heat surging up inside him. It had been such a long time since anyone had touched him this way, and it was Lelouch…

"Is that-"

"God yes," Suzaku moaned breathelessly, before also reaching between them and taking hold of Lelouch's erection. Lelouch closed his eyes in a hard moan as a tidal wave of arousal rose and crashed inside him. Suzaku's hands felt exactly like he'd imagined them, rough and calloused, but also gentle and wanting.

"Fuck," breathed Lelouch, and at last they both looked down, then in unison began to please each other. "Fuck!" Lelouch's whole body seized up in pleasure and Suzaku's erection throbbed in his hand as he kissed him on the lips again. Suzaku moaned harder into their kiss, his body on fire and pressure building gloriously inside him.

"Do you feel good?" he asked, between kisses, and Lelouch's erection pulsed in his hand in answer.

"So good," he breathed back, but, "less pressure."

"What?"

"Less pressure," Lelouch repeated, breathlessly.

"Oh! Sorry, I-"

"It's okay-"

"Is this better?"

"Y-yes!" Lelouch couldn't keep the tremor out of his voice as Suzaku stroked him exactly how he liked it. Suzaku felt another wave of pleasure rise and crash inside him and kept going, staring Lelouch hard in the face. "Faster!"

"Fuck-" Suzaku obeyed at once, and felt Lelouch's grip on his own erection slacken. "Good?" he asked, lowering his voice knowingly. Realizing what had happened, Lelouch picked up his pace again with a determined moan, pausing only to rub his thumb in a teasing circle around the tip. Suzaku cried out and stiffened in his arms, and Lelouch tried to smirk but then Suzaku did the same thing back and he just let out a shaky, needy moan. "Good?" Suzaku asked again, his voice lowering still further.

"So good," Lelouch replied, because there was no point in denying it. In denying anything. He kissed Suzaku hard on the mouth and gave in completely to what was happening, to what he'd always wanted, to Suzaku. Suzaku's heart swelled on another rush of pleasure and connection and he kept going, a needy, all consuming fire blazing inside him. He had Lelouch all to himself, mind and heart and body and-

"I'm close!" he cried, suddenly, pulling out of their kiss. Lelouch shuddered excitedly and kept up his pace, staring hard into Suzaku's beautiful eyes.

"Good!"

"Don't stop," Suzaku moaned, desperately.

"I won't stop," Lelouch moaned back, just as desperately. Suzaku's grip slackened around him as the pressure built to bursting point inside him, his whole body seizing up. "I won't stop!"

"O-oh-" Suzaku cried out as he came, hard, into Lelouch's hand, his whole body shuddering and mind blanking with the force of it. He moaned and thrust his hips back and forth, chasing the sensation, and Lelouch watched in aroused fascination as he pleased him through it, taking in every gasp, every twitch, every expression, until, "Th-that's enough!" Lelouch stopped at once, and Suzaku fell against the pillows, gasping and shuddering. Lelouch watched with rapt attention as he came down, as his eyes fell closed and lips parted in a satisfied smile.

"Suzaku?" he breathed, after a moment. Suzaku's name reached him deep in his satisfaction. He opened his eyes slowly, and smiled as Lelouch came into focus. Lelouch blushed and his erection throbbed insistantly, but he just brought his hand up to his mouth and sucked his fingers clean. His whole body shuddered in arousal and he blushed even deeper and Suzaku gasped and knew a shiver down his spine as his deflated erection gave one last hopeful twitch. He pulled Lelouch's fingers away and kissed him as hard as he could, thrusting his tongue into his mouth, tasting himself with another shudder of residual arousal.

"That was amazing," he moaned, between kisses.

"Good," Lelouch groaned back, "now ah!" Back to himself, Suzaku began to please him again in gentle but deliberate strokes, exactly how he liked it. The pressure and need Lelouch had ignored to please him suddenly had him right at the edge. "Suzaku, I…"

"Yes?" moaned Suzaku, his name spoken that way in Lelouch's voice rekindling the fire inside him.

"I'm going to-"

"Yes," Suzaku moaned again, needing it.

"I'm-" Lelouch threw his head back in an ecstatic cry as he came into Suzaku's hand, all the desire inside him rushing out in deeply pleasurable spasms. He let Suzaku please him through it, then fell back against the pillows, more satisfied than he'd ever been in his life. Suzaku gave him a moment, then sucked his own fingers clean, blushing as he felt a headrush. Lelouch gave one last desperate moan and kissed him on the lips.

For a long time, they just stayed there, wrapped up in each other, kissing passionately, relishing the pleasure and connection, warm and satisfied and together. When they eventually broke apart, they stared at each other, faces flushed, hair sweaty, lips swollen and eyes receptive.

"That was amazing," said Suzaku again, eventually.

"It was," Lelouch agreed. Suzaku smiled, pulled him closer and kissed him on the top of the head, inhaling the smell of his hair and closing his eyes in ecstasy.

"I love you."

"I love you too." Lelouch nosed against Suzaku's chest, his collar bones, his neck.

"Don't ever leave me again," Suzaku whispered into Lelouch's hair, holding him almost painfully tightly.

"I won't," Lelouch whispered back, digging his fingers into Suzaku's upper back. "Don't ever leave me either." Suzaku kissed him on the top of the head again.

"I won't." He took a deep breath in and sighed it out, and a moment passed in soft silence. "Speaking of…" Lelouch tensed in his arms and looked up at him, but he smiled reassuringly. "Easy, I just wanted to know if you'd like to stay the night." Lelouch laughed and gave a little shudder. He wasn't even sure what he'd been scared of hearing, but it was a relief anyway.

"Sorry, I," he shook his head. He wanted to stay, obviously, indeed he didn't want to be apart from Suzaku ever again. However, something held him back. "I want to, I just…" Now he was in his right mind, he realized how bizarre it felt, going from so sure he'd lose Suzaku to curled up in his arms saying I love you, and though it didn't feel wrong, not at all, it was still an adjustment. "I…" And now that he'd finally confessed his feelings and had them reciprocated, he'd have to follow through, and he had no idea what that would look like, and if he stayed out all night he'd have to tell CC why, and he didn't have overnight stuff with him, and Suzaku had work in the morning-

"What's wrong?" asked Suzaku, and Lelouch's mind stopped spinning as though he'd slammed on the brakes. He tried to gather his thoughts again, to articulate them clearly, but they seemed to be having trouble getting from his mind to his mouth.

"I'm not sure," he said, both to give himself a moment and because it was true. Suzaku's stomach twisted, but, "I just… now we're…" Suzaku pulled him close again.

"It's okay," he breathed, stroking his hair. "It's okay." Lelouch shuddered in Suzaku's arms, feeling simultaneously exposed and comforted, and in that weird duality one thing was clear: he couldn't run away anymore. He had to tell Suzaku all that was on his mind. He pulled away, and his stomach squirmed guiltily as he saw how worried Suzaku looked.

"I'm sorry," he said, softly.

"It's all right, but why are you so freaked out?" Lelouch bit his lip.

"This is just a big adjustment," he said, after a moment. Suzaku didn't understand, because wasn't this just the natural progression of events now they'd confessed their feelings? Wasn't it- but then his heart caught up to him. No, this was a world shaking revelation for both of them, they were in totally uncharted waters, and it was a vulnerable place to be. Suzaku's heart ached and he continued to stroke his hair.

"I know it is," he said, "but I promised you we'll figure things out together, right?" Lelouch's throat burned. Suzaku had promised him that. They'd promised each other that. It was terrifying to trust, to put his faith in something he only had half a say in and control over, but…

"Yes," Lelouch agreed, and he kissed Suzaku on the lips.

"We can take it slow," Suzaku assured him. "It'll be all right, I promise." He meant it with his whole heart, and for now at least, Lelouch believed him with his whole heart.

"Okay," he said, and Suzaku smiled.

"So you'll stay?"

"I'll stay."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Outside Suzaku's bedroom window, the snowfall glittered in the glow of the street lights.

Chapter Text

Kallen

CONGRATS I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!

Milly

YAAAAAAAAAAY!

CC

that's such a turn around!

Rivalz

how are you feeling about it?

Mao

okay so how the fuck are we celebrating?!

Shirley

omg you guys are ridiculous

I can't

you love us

but also…

Congratulations!

Shirley

thanks, Lulu!

Mao

Oh word it's like that?

Lelouch replied with a kiss emoji and took another sip of his tea.

Mao

whatever

but actually how are we celebrating?

Vegas?

strip club?

bender?

or just wait until our friends' EXCURSION

CC

Mao shut up being presumptuous

she might not want to celebrate at all

Shirley

no no I'm happy to celebrate!

what about karaoke?

Everyone in the group chat reacted with hearts and thumbs up or replied in enthusiastic agreement. Lelouch hesitated a moment, then,

can I bring Suzaku?

Shirley

sure thing!

Milly

so 8 of us, excellent!

I'll make the reservation!

would Saturday the 2nd work for everyone?

There was a pause as they all checked their schedules, then,

CC

I have a client but I'll cancel

let him suffer

I'm free

Kallen

I can do that!

Rivalz

yup yup!

Mao

I'll make it work

Milly

excellent, I'll call Duet right now!

cool

Lelouch smiled and set his phone down on his dining table, only to snatch it back up again at a text from Suzaku. It had only been four days since they'd confessed their feelings for each other, since they'd spent the rest of the night kissing and grinding and jerking each other off, since they'd fallen asleep in each other's arms.

Lelouch blushed and heat flooded his belly, just as it always did when he remembered.

The next morning, they'd taken the train together, kissing goodbye when Suzaku got off at 59th Street. The further downtown Lelouch went alone and closer to his apartment he got, the more disheveled and spent he felt, but he wasn't as out of sorts and anxious as he might have been.

He walked into his apartment to find CC on the floor in front of the TV, dressed in one of his old button downs with a half empty pizza box open beside her. She paused Persona 4 on Yosuke dressed as a schoolgirl and turned to face him.

"Welcome home, Your Highness." She was smiling just invitingly enough that he could either tell her what happened or go shower and change. He smiled back, but chose the latter.

Lelouch bit his lip and rubbed his shoulder with his free hand, pressing against the fading hickies under his button down as he read Suzaku's message.

this meeting was supposed to be over twenty minutes ago I'm losing my mind

also I really miss you, is that crazy?

Lelouch's blush deepened. They'd been texting constantly since Thursday night, and though it was mostly about mundane things, Suzaku had also sent him a few gym selfies, which… the heat in Lelouch's belly began to simmer. He took a deep breath and replied before he could get too distracted.

I was just about to text you

so I don't think so

is that so?

indeed

do you want to come to karaoke with my friends this Saturday?

we're celebrating Shirley's divorce

LOL what?!

you guys are crazy

but sure I'd love to!

Lelouch smiled even as his stomach twisted anxiously and took another sip of his tea.

good

I'll send you the details ASAP

awesome

thank you!

A pause.

send me a photo?

Lelouch tried and failed to get rid of his blush, then pressed his mug to his lips and stared into his phone's camera over the rim. He sent the photo and watched chat bubbles appear at once.

you're so beautiful

Lelouch rolled his eyes, but fuck if it didn't make his heart skip. He set his mug down and finished the e-mail to one of the DJs playing the Excursion, then got up to get ready to see clients, the evening sun still bright outside the windows and BBC Radio 1's drum and bass show soft in the background.

Saturday was the warmest it had been since Suzaku had arrived in New York, and he kept his winter coat unzipped as he left his apartment and headed West towards Second Avenue. He checked Google Maps to confirm where he was going, then smiled at a text from Lelouch.

kiss me when no one's looking though

Suzaku closed his eyes for a moment, then replied,

whenever you want

While getting ready he'd asked Lelouch if he was coming with him as his "best friend from growing up" or "boyfriend," his heart skipping to type it and see it. Lelouch had taken a while to reply, but eventually,

best friend from growing up

I'm not ready to tell them yet

I understand

no worries!

It was true. Suzaku knew it would take time, he clearly wasn't being kept away anymore and, in any case, it'd be rather insensitive to act like a new couple in front of someone recently divorced. Besides, he hadn't told anyone yet either, though he supposed the only people he'd really have to tell were his coworkers and Euphy, and he was rather dreading that conversation.

He caught the M-15 on Second Avenue, sweating a little in his winter coat.

Lelouch and CC arrived at the karaoke spot at exactly 7 pm. It was low key, but brightly lit, with beige walls and tiled floors. A long mirrored hallway lined with doors stretched ahead of them and Shirley stood in front of the bar to their right, apparently checking in with the receptionist, who was asking, "And is your party here?" Shirley looked around at the door opening and beamed.

"Some of them," she replied, addressing the receptionist.

"You can wait a few minutes for more people to arrive before I show you to your room, if you'd like."

"That'd be great!"

"Great. In the meantime, feel free to grab a drink."

"Thank you so much!" Shirley turned to Lelouch and CC. "Hey!" CC just pulled her into a tight hug. "Nice to see you too!" she cried in a slightly muffled voice. CC let her go, and she turned to Lelouch, who kissed her on the cheek. She blushed.

"How are you?" asked CC. Shirley blushed deeper.

"Loaded question?" Lelouch offered, gently.

"No!" cried Shirley, her face still glowing, but then she shook her head, her long hair swaying. "I mean, yes I suppose it is, but…" She broke off and smiled bravely.

"Let me get you a drink," said CC, and without waiting for a reply made a b line for the bar, leaving Lelouch and Shirley to hang back against the opposite wall.

"I'd say congratulations again, but I don't want to be insensitive," said Lelouch, cautiously, but,

"I go back and forth between totally euphoric and absolutely devastated every hour or so," she told him, conversationally, "so just say whatever you want and we'll see where it goes, I guess!"

"You're so fucking brave," Lelouch told her, and though he meant it,

"It's not exactly brave if I don't have a choice, Lulu," she reminded him, tilting her head to the side. Lelouch opened his mouth to mitigate, but she smiled. "I appreciate that though, thanks." Lelouch smiled.

"You were always too good for your ex anyway."

"You think so?" Lelouch rolled his eyes.

"Obviously." Shirley furrowed her brow, and for a moment Lelouch wondered if he was being sized up.

"Find me someone better, then," she said, almost challengingly.

"Here." CC's voice cut through the conversation as she shoved a mixed drink between them. Shirley started, then laughed.

"What is that?" she asked, suspiciously.

"Don't worry about it," CC replied, pressing the drink into her hand.

"Where's mine?" demanded Lelouch.

"Last I checked you and Suzaku haven't gotten divorced," CC shot back without looking at him. Shirley burst out laughing, but the door opened before Lelouch could answer back and Suzaku entered the room with a gust of early spring air. Lelouch's heart swelled in his chest and a wide smile he couldn't control spread across his face. Suzaku smiled back, his own heart pounding, walked right up to them and hugged Lelouch tightly, doing his utmost not to be obvious.

"Hey," he breathed into his ear.

"Hi." They broke apart.

"See? Told you," CC muttered to Shirley, who giggled.

"Told her what?" asked Suzaku, but CC just hugged him hello.

"Nothing, good to see you. Would you like a drink?"

"You too! And um, sure!"

"Get me one too!" Lelouch called impatiently after her as she made her way back to the bar while Suzaku addressed Shirley.

"Good to see you, how are you?"

"I'm okay, thanks!" She hugged him hello.

"So what happened, if you don't mind me asking? Last time it sounded like…"

"We were in gridlock?" Suzaku nodded and Shirley took a long sip of her drink. "Well, I told you we were in mediation over the apartment, right?" Suzaku nodded again. "So the long and short of it is on Monday we met and he still wasn't budging-"

"Asshole," muttered Lelouch. Shirley gave Suzaku a "well he's not wrong," sort of look and sipped her drink.

"We broke for lunch, I just stepped out to get some air because I wasn't hungry at all."

"Right," said Suzaku, sympathetically.

"But when I got back, I saw my ex and his lawyer in the hallway and he, um," she hesitated, her eyes widening innocently, and Suzaku leaned in closer. "Basically my ex's lawyer was cussing him out." Lelouch burst out laughing; she'd told the story over text, but it was much more satisfying in person.

"What?" Suzaku asked, bewildered. Shirley nodded very seriously. "What was he saying?"

"I didn't hear all of it, but basically, 'son, you are in no position to be making this as difficult as you are. She could very easily take you to the cleaners in court, which quite frankly you'd deserve, but she's not. She's showing you grace. Act like it.'"

"Holy shit, dude literally got sonned," laughed Lelouch, while Suzaku just covered his mouth.

"His lawyer really said that?"

"I don't think they meant for me to hear it," Shirley continued, blushing, "but yeah, that's what he said!"

"What happened after?" Suzaku asked, eagerly.

"Well, we went back into our meeting, and he finally agreed to buy me out of the apartment!"

"That's great!" Suzaku cried, and Shirley grinned.

"We got the papers drafted and I signed them yesterday, so here I am!" At that moment, CC reappeared with more mixed drinks, which she shoved at Lelouch and Suzaku.

"Thanks," said Suzaku, smiling at the gesture, at Shirley's victory and at the fact he'd never treat Euphy that way. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine for now," said Shirley, smiling warmly at him, and they all clinked their glasses together and drank from them.

The door opened again, and Milly flew into the room, looking windswept and exasperated.

"Sorry I'm late! The trains were an absolute disaster!" She rushed forward to hug and kiss everyone hello.

"It's okay! We wanted to wait for more people before we went into our room," Shirley explained, then CC asked,

"Do you want a drink, Milly?"

"Yes please!" Under the cover of the commotion, Lelouch leaned in close to Suzaku.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm great!" They smiled at each other and clinked their glasses together. The door opened a third time, revealing Kallen and Rivalz apologizing profusely for being late.

"It's okay, we haven't even started yet!" Shirley assured them as she hugged and kissed them hello.

"Shift change took longer than I expected," said Rivalz, stepping around Shirley to clap hands with Lelouch and Suzaku.

"So no drama?" Lelouch asked, disappointed. Rivalz hung his head.

"Not today…"

"Rivalz has the best work stories," Lelouch told Suzaku, confidentially.

"Fuck off," said Rivalz.

"Did you see your mom today?" Lelouch asked Kallen, and she sighed.

"Yeah, but I don't wanna talk about it," she told him, bitterly. Then, addressing everyone, "Should we go to our room?" Her eyes darted to the receptionist who seemed keen to get them out of the lobby.

"Mao still isn't here-" Shirley started to say, but Lelouch cut in,

"Mao's always late, who cares?"

"Lelouch, don't be a dick," said CC, Kallen, Milly and Rivalz in unison. Suzaku burst into laughter while Lelouch just gave an ironic bow and turned to follow the receptionist down the hall, Kallen on his one side and Suzaku on the other. They passed closed doors behind which people were singing their hearts out until they reached a larger room with the number 11 outside it. The receptionist opened the door and showed them inside. It was dark, with speakers in all four corners and a wrap around couch that faced a large TV playing a random anime. There was a low table in the center with microphones and an iPad waiting for them. The receptionist asked if they knew how to use the equipment, then if the temperature was okay, then bowed out of the room. Everyone took off their coats, hung them on a set of hooks by the door, then made themselves comfortable. Lelouch and Suzaku looked at each other, then sat side by side in the corner of the couch.

"No one put in any songs until we all have drinks!" Milly told the room at large, and Rivalz and CC dashed out of the room at once. "I didn't- okay!" She chased after them. Kallen sat down on Suzaku's other side and asked him,

"How've you been, good?"

"I've been all right."

Lelouch knew a flutter of anxiety, but everything seemed to be going well so far. He took another sip of his drink and allowed himself to relax a little, eavesdropping on Kallen and Suzaku's conversation about nothing more exciting than work while Shirley browsed songs on the iPad.

After a few minutes, the door burst open, revealing Milly carrying a pitcher of water and stacks of plastic cups, CC a tray of mixed drinks and Rivalz a tray of shots. "Oh god," Shirley moaned, but Rivalz just grinned and set them on the table, tetrising it around Milly's pitcher and plastic cups while CC handed out the mixed drinks.

"How fucked up are we trying to get?" asked Kallen, half amused, half horrified.

"Up to you!" Milly replied, beaming. "Anyway, everyone grab a shot!" They all did, then raised them into the air. "To Shirley's next chapter!"

"Fuck yeah!"

"Let's go!"

"Cheers!"

Everyone clinked their glasses together, then downed their shots and shuddered.

"Ugh gross!"

"I'm too old for this…"

"You guys are weak as hell!"

"Shirley, put on our first song!" Milly called over the hubbub.

"Me?" she cried, her face very red.

"Of course!"

"Okay but you have to sing it with me, I'm not drunk enough for a solo yet!" Everyone burst out laughing and Milly seized a microphone.

"Let's do it!" Shirley picked up the iPad and entered a song. Immediately the TV screen changed to some gloriously '80s stock footage, a gloriously 2000s R riff filled the room and Milly and Shirley began to sing Beyonce's Irreplaceable.

"Coming in strong, fuck yeah!" Kallen cried. Shirley gave her a glowing look, then she and Milly sang,

"To the left to the left, everything you own in a box to the left-" Everyone sang along, swayed to the rhythm and cued up songs, until Milly stayed quiet to allow Shirley the last line, her eyes darting between the screen and Lelouch,

"I could have another you by tomorrow, don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable…" The song ended and everyone applauded and cheered while Milly hugged Shirley tightly.

"Good shit!" said Rivalz approvingly, his eyes glued to Milly as she and Shirley broke apart. "The next song is mine!"

"Oh yeah?" Milly giggled, offering him the microphone.

"Sing it with me," he said, and Shirley passed him her microphone instead as Magic by The Cars began to play.

"Aww I love this song!" Milly cried, and Rivalz beamed.

"Summer, it turns me upside down!"

"That was dope," Lelouch told Shirley as she sat down on his other side.

"Thanks!" she grinned, picking up the iPad. Lelouch sipped his drink and turned to Suzaku, who wished more than anything he could put his arm around him or hold his hand or something, but before he could dwell on it too much,

"Are you having fun?"

"Yes," Suzaku laughed, swaying to the music. Lelouch hesitated, then,

"I'm glad you're here." Taken aback, but pleased, Suzaku replied,

"Me too."

"Your magic pulls me through!" Rivalz sang the last line, then everyone broke into applause again. He and Milly set their microphones back down on the table, then Kallen seized them and shoved one under Lelouch's nose.

"The fuck are you doing?"

"You're singing this with me," she told him, simply, and before he could argue, the opening guitar notes of Sum 41's Fat Lip blared from the speakers. Lelouch snorted with laughter and took a long swig of his drink before taking the microphone and getting to his feet. Suzaku knew a nervous tug in his chest. He caught CC's eye and she replied with a knowing smile.

"Storming through the party like my name's El Niño!" Kallen yelled into her microphone, getting right up in Lelouch's face.

"When I'm hanging out drinking in the back of an El Camino!" he yelled back, staring hard into her eyes. Suzaku just sipped his drink, recognizing the song and knowing a rush of nostalgia to mix with his anxiety.

"I don't wanna waste my time, become another casualty of society!"

"I'll never fall in line, become another victim of your conformity-"

"AND BACK DOWN!"

Before they could sing the bridge, however, the door banged open, revealing Mao with a tray of shots. Everyone broke into cheers and applause but Mao didn't seem to notice: he set down the tray and elbow checked Lelouch, sending him flying across the room. Everyone laughed and cheered more, even Lelouch, though he snapped, "You fucking dick!" and shoved him back as hard as he could, which did nothing. CC and Rivalz jumped up and there was suddenly a mosh pit in front of the screen, the five of them two stepping and bouncing off each other.

"Oh my god!" Suzaku cried, but Milly and Shirley just fell against him laughing, and he remembered Lelouch taking him to shows and warehouse parties, or just catching random performances in Tompkins Square Park with another rush of nostalgia.

"I don't wanna waste my time, become another casualty of society!"

"I'll never fall in line, become another victim of your conformity-"

"AND BACK DOWN!"

The song ended, everyone cheered and laughed, and Suzaku watched Lelouch and Kallen clasp hands and clap each other on the back.

"Sorry I'm late!" Mao called over the chaos, and Lelouch gave him the finger before stepping over Shirley to collapse beside Suzaku. He leaned back against the couch, breathing deeply, and gave him a glowing smile, which he returned. It felt so good to be included, and indeed to see Lelouch so loose and easy with his friends, but still…

"I'm gonna get another drink," Suzaku told him, and Lelouch nodded.

"Let me take this shot and I'll come with you." Suzaku smiled, though his stomach twisted, then nodded too.

"What kept you?" asked Shirley, giggling.

"Don't worry about it," Mao replied, waggling his tongue at her.

"Mao? Shut up," said CC. Mao clutched his chest in mock outrage.

"Now that's hardly the way to speak to your friend who just bought you shots!"

"Mao? Shut up." Yet more raucous laughter, then everyone picked up their shots.

"Cheers!" They took them, shuddering, then CC picked up a microphone to sing No Doubt's Just A Girl.

"We're gonna get more drinks, we'll be back!" Lelouch announced to the room as he and Suzaku got to their feet.

"Don't be gone too long, I'm gonna cue a song for you," Mao warned him, but Lelouch just gave him the finger again and led Suzaku out of the room into the much cooler and less humid hallway.

The second the door closed, Suzaku pressed Lelouch up against the wall and kissed him hard on the mouth. Lelouch gasped in surprise but threw his arms around his neck, feeling a headrush and laughing excitedly into their kiss. Suzaku made a soft, satisfied noise and pulled away, resting his forehead against Lelouch's. "Are you okay?" Lelouch asked, and Suzaku's anxiety ebbing in their connection. He wasn't even sure what had made him feel this way, because he'd been included and was having fun, but Lelouch had been so swept up in his friends so easily… "Suzaku?"

"Sorry," Suzaku said, kissing Lelouch hard on the lips again and taking a sharp breath in through his nose. Lelouch knew another headrush and they stayed there a moment, but then Suzaku pulled away and smiled reassuringly. "Sorry, I just got in my head for a second." Lelouch's eyes widened in sudden concern, and Suzaku's stomach twisted guiltily. "But I'm okay now."

"You sure?" Suzaku hesitated. He'd promised Lelouch they'd do what they had to do to make this work, that he wouldn't deny anything anymore, but all he wanted was to just kiss Lelouch again and assure him that everything was fine and wasn't that also just so much easier- "Suzaku." His stomach squirmed guiltily again, but he knew he had to do things differently.

"Sorry, this is so irrational and stupid, but," he took a deep breath in. "None of your friends like you, right? I mean-" but Lelouch just kissed him hard on the lips again, knowing yet another headrush. He'd thought it was something serious!

"No," he told Suzaku, with absolute authority, "and even if they did, I don't feel the same way." His mouth twitched and he looked Suzaku up and down. "Obviously." Suzaku's stomach unwound at once and he kissed Lelouch one more time on the lips.

"I'm sorry, I just-"

"It's okay, really," Lelouch assured him, stroking his hair. It was a strange feeling, being asked for reassurance outside of work, but Suzaku's smile at receiving it made his heart swell. He supposed this was what he'd promised him. He bit his lip and darted his eyes to the door behind which their friends were still singing. "Now let's go get our drinks before they get suspicious." Suzaku laughed and pulled away, but knew a weird feeling in his chest. He couldn't remember ever speaking so plainly, let alone having it be received well and getting taken care of. Was it all really that simple? He took Lelouch's hand as they headed back down the hall to the bar, which was now packed with people. They joined the cue, and Lelouch brought their clasped hands up and kissed Suzaku's knuckles. "Nakanaide," he told him softly, and Suzaku squeezed his hand.

"Nakanaide."

They ordered their drinks, then carried them back to the room, smiling at each other in solidarity before Lelouch opened the door to a blast of heat and Kallen and Rivalz screaming Take It Away by The Used.

"You missed my song to you!" snapped Mao.

"What was it, You Shook Me All Night Long?" Mao toasted him.

"Nah, it was Shut Me Up, but good call!" Lelouch smirked and toasted him back as he and Suzaku took their seats, because in all seriousness that was funny. "It's fucking hot in this room!"

"It is, right?" Milly called over the noise.

"TAKE MY LIFE!" Kallen and Rivalz screamed together, drawing out the last word as long as they could, then bowed and waited to see what song was coming up so they could hand off the microphones.

"Oh this is my song!" Suzaku cried, taking a hasty sip of his drink and feeling relieved he'd drunk enough to sing it.

"Oh fuck yeah!"

"Kill it, Suzaku!"

Kallen handed him her microphone with a smile, but rather than stand up, he leaned forward as the screen changed to the song's actual music video, not just random stock footage. Suzaku's eyes widened; he hadn't expected that and it was rather on the nose, but he supposed it was too late to skip it! Lelouch recognized it at once as TABOO by Kumi Koda, because the song had been huge his last summer in Tokyo, and hastily hid his awkward sputter in his drink. On the screen, Kumi Koda herself entered a mansion with a date, and the song began. Suzaku sang, and their friends danced, and Lelouch's heart swelled in his chest to see it, though he avoided their eyes.

"I know it's our secret," Suzaku sang gently for the bridge, "gotta keep it to myself tonight…" Kumi Koda entered a room to find her date making out with another guy. They looked up, and the three of them exchanged a knowing smile. Lelouch flushed as his friends cheered and wolf whistled.

"Yo is that how it is going out with the two of you?" Mao asked Lelouch, loudly.

"Oooh…!"

Suzaku bit down on the inside of his lip and turned with Lelouch's friends to see how he'd take this. However, he just replied, composedly,

"You just wish it were CC walking in on you and me."

"Oooh…!" Mao smirked.

"Sek ngor gor cha siu bao ngoi ah, bak guat zing?"

"What the fuck does that mean?" Lelouch asked, still composedly.

"Literally or just the vibes?" Mao asked, flirtatiously.

"Mao? Shut up," said CC, and the whole room dissolved into laughter. Suzaku finished the song, everyone cheered, then he handed the phone to CC so she could sing Hypnotize by Biggie Smalls. He then filled a cup with water and downed it, eyes wide over the rim as he looked at Lelouch, who just smiled.

"That was perfect."

"You think so?" Suzaku laughed, setting down his cup. Lelouch nodded, and it was a struggle for both of them not to kiss, though at that moment the chorus hit and Milly picked up the other microphone,

"CC CC CC can't you see, sometimes your words just hypnotize me-"

and Mao immediately jumped up to throw ass, distracting everyone, so they probably could have managed it.

The night continued in a blur of more songs and drinks, more dancing and ridiculous behavior, building tension and fewer inhibitions.

"This song is for you!" Mao yelled across the room, picking up a microphone and gesturing ostentatiously at Shirley.

"Me?" she asked, bemusedly, then, "OH GOD!" She covered her face with her hands as Bloodhound Gang's The Bad Touch began to play. Mao grinned and extended his microphone free hand.

"Hell yes! I hope you find a guy who feels this way about you!"

"Mao…"

"Dude, come on!"

However, Shirley moaned through her hands, "I mean, I don't disagree…"

"That's fucking right!" cried Mao, before diving into the first verse, and even though it was a crass novelty song, Lelouch and Suzaku moved closer to each other, the tension building still further. CC and Milly kept up the momentum with Lil Kim's How Many Licks, and then,

"My song!" Rivalz exclaimed, over the opening of Starlight by Muse, his face red from how hot it was in the room. Lelouch finished his drink and got to his feet.

"I'll sing this with you!"

"Get the fuck up here then!"

"Don't tell me what to do!"

Milly and CC handed over their microphones, giggling, and Lelouch and Rivalz took their places in front of the screen. "Far away, this ship has taken me far away-" Rivalz kept glancing back and forth between the screen and Milly, who was dancing in her seat and biting her smiling lip. "-far away from my memories, of the people who care if I live or die!" Lelouch knew all the words, but it was much easier to look at the lyrics on the screen than at Suzaku, whose eyes he could feel on the back of his neck. "Starlight, I will be chasing your starlight-" Suzaku remembered this song from their misspent adolescence, and it was wonderful to hear Lelouch sing it now, to watch his hips sway to the rhythm, until the last chorus, when he and Rivalz finally faced their audience and extended their microphone free hands dramatically. "Hold you in my arms, I just wanted to hold… you in my arms… I just wanted to hold…!" The song ended, and Lelouch and Rivalz clasped hands and handed off their microphones. Lelouch made eye contact with Suzaku, blushing at the look on his face, so intense and affectionate and wanting…

"I'll be back," he announced to whoever was listening, then opened the door and stepped out. Suzaku scrambled to his feet to follow, nearly tripping over the table in his haste and praying no one noticed. The moment he was back in the hallway, he shoved Lelouch up against the wall and kissed him hard on the lips. Lelouch gasped and threw his arms around him, and, drunk and disinhibited, Suzaku moaned softly into his mouth and pressed his thigh between his legs. Lelouch gave a soft cry, his overheated body already so sensitive-

The door opposite them flew open and smashed against the wall behind it. A show tune came blaring from inside the room as a gaggle of college students spilled out into the hallway, talking and laughing at the tops of their hoarse voices. Lelouch and Suzaku started and broke apart, which was lucky, because a second later their door opened, revealing Rivalz with their empty water pitcher. Lelouch and Suzaku stepped hastily away from each other and averted their eyes, though all Rivalz said was,

"Fuck it's warm in there!"

"I'll go see if we can turn up the air," said Lelouch in a rush before taking off down the hallway. Rivalz and Suzaku stared after him for a moment, then Rivalz snorted and shook his head.

"I'm gonna go refill this," he said, holding up the pitcher.

"Good idea," said Suzaku, trying and mostly succeeding to get his wits about him and body under control. "I'll come with you, I still owe everyone a round of shots, I think." Rivalz snorted again.

"Nah bro, everyone's smashed, you don't have to do that!"

"I want to, though," said Suzaku. Rivalz grinned, clapped him on the shoulder and led him to the bar, where the group of college students were ordering more drinks.

"You sing well," Rivalz told Suzaku, who laughed.

"Oh no I just like singing karaoke, but thank you, so do you!"

"Thanks!"

"So how do you know Lelouch again?"

"College," Rivalz replied, smiling fondly. "We met in an essay writing class and stayed cool after he left. Bonded over Daddy Issues I guess." Suzaku let out a burst of laughter, then immediately felt terrible, but Rivalz grinned.

"It's okay, it's the truth! I didn't get disowned or nothing, my dad's just a deadbeat, but-" he broke off and shook his head. "Sorry, I'm drunk, let me not overshare!"

"No no, it's okay," Suzaku assured him, because he was curious and because he appreciated the solidarity. "I'm sorry to hear that, though."

"Nah, don't be," replied Rivalz. "I haven't seen him since I was like, twelve, and once I realized he'd do that shit to anyone and it wasn't my fault, I dealt with it way better, you know?" He smiled at Suzaku, who managed to smile back, then, disinhibited by the alcohol and solidarity,

"My father and I don't really speak anymore either." Rivalz tilted his head to the side.

"Why's that? If you don't mind me asking, obviously." Suzaku swallowed, but found he didn't mind at all.

"I outed his affair to my mom when I was a kid and I don't think he's ever forgiven me." He shuddered. He'd only ever told Lelouch and Euphy this, but now here he was telling someone he barely knew and on whom he wanted to make a good impression? However, Rivalz just groaned sympathetically.

"Holy shit, dude, I'm so sorry…" It was clear he meant it, but before Suzaku could answer, the gaggle of college students finally stepped out of the way.

Lelouch located an employee and brought her to their room, where she tried to turn up the air, only to realize the remote control had run out of battery. "I'm so sorry, here!" She hurried out to swap the batteries and Lelouch sat back down on the couch beside Kallen with a heavy sigh. In front of the screen, Milly and Shirley were singing Madonna's Open Your Heart while Mao and CC danced in their seats.

"You good?" Kallen asked Lelouch, discreetly. He nodded, and it was actually true, he found.

"You?"

"Fuck yes." They smiled at each other, and Lelouch thought about Suzaku's question. He was definitely sure of his answer, definitely sure that aside from that one night all those years ago there was nothing between them, but also definitely sure that he loved her dearly.

"What's that look for?" Kallen asked, half suspicious, half affectionate.

"Nothing," he replied, though he was still smiling. Kallen rolled her eyes and leaned closer to speak into his ear.

"You and Su-"

"Stop," he told her, firmly but quietly, then, before she could argue, "this is Shirley's night." They glanced over to her singing, and she caught Lelouch's eye and beamed. Lelouch and Kallen smiled back.

"I know, I'm not trying to make a scene or nothing," Kallen told him out of the corner of her mouth, "and-"

The employee came back with the remote, pointed it at the air conditioner and pressed a few buttons. A sudden whirring and blast of cold air filled the room.

"YOU'VE SAVED US!" Mao cried, but she just smiled graciously, set the remote back in its cradle on the wall and left the room. Lelouch took a deep breath in and sighed it out, the cold air pleasant on the back of his neck. However, Kallen continued as though there had been no interruption, steadfast and forthright as always.

"-and I don't want to push you, but I don't like when you keep things from me. You know that." Lelouch's stomach twisted, because she was absolutely right, but it still felt so soon. He looked into her eyes, wide and receptive but also firm and unyielding, and gathered his courage.

"We're… I guess together now," he told her in just above a whisper, "but we're taking it slow." Kallen took a deep breath in and sighed it out, then grinned broadly and clapped him hard on the shoulder.

"Ow, what the fuck-" but she just joined in singing at the top of her voice.

"Open your heart with the key! Open your heart, I'll make you love me!" Lelouch shook his head, but joined in, his heart skipping in his chest.

Suzaku ordered shots while Rivalz just handed the bartender the empty pitcher. "I'm so sorry, though, there's no good way to handle situations like that, even with the best intentions," he said, sympathetically. "And respectfully, your parents taking all that out on you is just wrong." Suzaku's heart swelled in his chest, pushing more words from the depths of his chest.

"My mother said I was selfish." Rivalz shook his head.

"That's really unfair," he said. "My mom and I went through similar shit after my dad left, but at least we've been able to apologize to each other for it."

"Really?" Suzaku asked, incredulously. Rivalz nodded.

"Took a lot of work, but yeah. That's fucking rough though, I'm real sorry you went through that." He smiled, and Suzaku managed to smile back, the solidarity and support more comforting than he ever could have imagined. Lelouch's friends really were great. He wanted to tell Rivalz so, but couldn't think of how do it, so instead said,

"Sorry to tell you all that." Rivalz just shrugged.

"I asked, didn't I? Besides, I'm a bartender, people tell me all kinds of shit."

"I can imagine!" The bartender placed the pitcher and tray of shots on the counter, and Suzaku handed her his credit card. "Have you ever known about an affair before?" Rivalz snorted and rolled his eyes.

"Bro I just told you I'm a bartender, didn't I?" Suzaku laughed.

"Here," said the bartender, handing Suzaku back his credit card. He signed the receipt and they picked up the tray of shots and water pitcher.

"Thank you!"

"Thanks!"

Rivalz and Suzaku made their rather ungainly way back up the hallway. "You wanna hear a great story, though?" Rivalz asked, lowering his voice conspiratorially.

"Sure," Suzaku replied.

"I got my old manager's job because he got busted for sleeping with a customer." Rivalz pulled open the door right as Suzaku yelled,

"What?!"

Everyone in the room whirled around to face the doorway and Mao stopped singing Get Low very abruptly, but then, "Oh did you buy us those shots, leng zai?!"

"I did," Suzaku replied, blushing as he stepped forward and set the tray down.

"Thank you!" Mao cried, greedily, then Rivalz announced,

"I was just telling Suzaku how I got my old manager's job," while refilling everyone's cups from the pitcher.

"HA!"

"Oh my god that was hilarious!"

"Ooh Suzaku doesn't know!"

"Fuck no, pause this shit," said Mao, seizing the iPad. Suzaku gave Lelouch a terrified look, but he just patted the spot beside him on the couch.

"This is a great story," he assured him, and he knew a little rush at being included.

"So what happened?" he asked, and Mao thrust the microphone under Rivalz's nose.

"Oh for fuck's sake," he sighed, but he took it with a smile. "So at my bar we have a rule no one follows about not hooking up with customers," he said, his voice projected out through the speakers as if he were doing stand up. "Usually this isn't a problem because people show discretion or whatever, right? Unfortunately, there was this one bartender, who, respectfully, from day one was a problem."

"Respectfully!" exclaimed Kallen.

"Respectfully," Rivalz agreed. "She constantly needed to be the center of attention and would do shit like aggressively hit on every guy in the place, including my old manager."

"She also used to get really weird when other women would talk to him," Milly put in. "Remember when Kallen, Shirly and I came to see you at work before that show at Heaven Can Wait and she was glaring at us the whole time?" Rivalz couldn't hide his smile even as he rolled his eyes.

"I remember!"

"It was so awkward!" Shirley cried, shaking her head. "Like, girl, I was married at the time, I am not a threat!"

"None of us were!" Kallen put in, impatiently. "Let her try that when she's not at work, though, I swear to god…"

"Yeah, you only need to get dragged out by venue security once," said Lelouch, and everyone laughed, but then turned to Kallen for her rebuttal.

"The night I got kicked out of Knitting Factory was the same night you threw up on the L train, wasn't it?"

"OH SHIT!"

Suzaku snorted into his water, and Milly leaned across Shirley to tell him, "She has to blow up his spot because you're here, you understand." Again, everyone laughed, then turned eagerly to Lelouch, who just replied, composedly,

"It wasn't on the L train, it was on the platform."

"Miss me with your semantic ass argument," she shot back, and they laughed and clasped hands.

"I fucking hate you."

"I hate you too!"

"Anyway!" Rivalz called over the room, and everyone focused on him once again. "Bartender Chick also had a boyfriend-"

"What?" interrupted Suzaku. "Then why would she-"

"I'm sure it made sense to her," said CC, disdainfully.

"I dunno," said Rivalz, "but she whined about him constantly, which was fucking awkward and a terrible look for us, honestly-" Lelouch leaned in close to Suzaku for a moment.

"I hope none of that changed your mind," he whispered. Suzaku just rolled his eyes.

"Come on, I'm finally filling in the blanks, this is great!" Lelouch flushed, but smiled.

"But it was especially awkward because her boyfriend would come to the bar during her shifts," Rivalz continued, "and some of my coworkers were like, 'does he know how she acts?' 'is it our business?' 'should we tell him?' I know some people tried but I stayed out of it, like, fuck that. That's not my problem, I'm just here for my tips."

"Amen," said CC, and Rivalz nodded graciously at her.

"Anyway, the last player here is a real good regular of ours who was cool with everyone, myself included. She was always really nice to Bartender Chick when she'd angst about her boyfriend, and she and my manager got along great because they went to shows together and he'd always play music she liked when she was there."

"That's really sweet," said Suzaku, but,

"Oh just wait," said Rivalz. "So one Thursday I come in and Cool Regular is at the bar looking pissed. I asked her if she was okay, she was like, 'yeah I'm good,' so I was like, 'all right! Just wave me over if you need something.' I'm going about my shift, but then a friend of hers, who's also a regular, shows up and the two of them talk really seriously for like, an hour, then pay their tab and leave. I'm thinking it's nothing serious, but then the next day I come into work and my boss who owns the place and who only works random morning shifts sometimes, is behind the bar and tells me she's covering for Manager Dude all weekend. I was like, 'is he okay?' she tells me yeah, so I'm like, whatever, he probably got called away last minute or something. But no, it turns out she'd fired him and was looking to see who she wanted to replace him."

"Oh no!" said Suzaku, and Rivalz nodded gravely.

"On Sunday night she asked me if I wanted his job, and I was like, 'yeah! but what's the catch?' She goes 'no catch, just don't be stupid.' I'm like, 'stupid how?' She just sighs and pours us both pints and tells me everything." Rivalz smiled as his friends leaned in closer to hear the gossip. "It's so high school, but apparently what had happened was, Manager Dude had confessed feelings for Cool Regular, she'd reciprocated, but then he suddenly went really cold on her because Bartender Chick took issue with it."

"Wait, what?" Suzaku asked, sure he'd misheard. "That doesn't make any sense-"

"It actually does, cause turns out she and Manager Dude had been hooking up behind her boyfriend's back for months," said Rivalz.

"Oh…" said Suzaku, sadly, but then, "so wait, the bartender sabotaged them because she wanted to keep her affair partner to herself?!" Rivalz nodded, and Suzaku relished the righteous anger at people he didn't know as if he were watching a soap opera.

"So gloriously messy," sighed Mao, reverently.

"So Regular Chick finds this out and is understandably fucking angry, because like, dude you just fold to this person using you as a side piece and who is actively trying to screw you over? What the fuck?"

"Spineless worm," said Kallen, contemptuously.

"Exactly. So she does some digging, gets some evidence of their affair and has another regular let her boyfriend know and he breaks up with her immediately."

"Masterful," said Lelouch.

"But then Bartender Chick and Manager Dude confront her about it, which, you know, makes logical sense, but she basically tells them 'you got proof I did it? No? All right then.' But then manager dude is an idiot and just bans her for starting shit, like bro how stupid are you?"

"Very stupid, apparently," said CC.

"So Cool Regular was like, 'all right bet' and sent screenshots of all the messages between them to my boss letting her know what had happened and why he banned her. My boss was like, 'nah dude, this is an HR nightmare, fuck this,' and just fired both him and Bartender Chick."

"Wow," said Suzaku, both horrified and impressed.

"Yeah she really came for their whole lives," said Rivalz, conversationally. "Shocked me, honestly, and whether or not it was right is-"

"No, if they hadn't been acting shady they wouldn't have had to worry about getting caught!" Everyone turned to Shirley, who blushed, but pressed on. "I'm serious! It was good of her to let the boyfriend know!"

"Yeah sure but come on, she didn't care about the boyfriend, she just wanted revenge!" Milly giggled.

"Does that really matter, though?" asked Lelouch. "That situation was fucked on all sides, is her motive relevent?" They'd thoroughly combed through the nuances and picked over the intricacies of the situation since it had happened, but he was always down for a thought experiment.

"Lelouch, don't start-"

"Motive is always relevant," said Suzaku, and everyone looked around in keen interest. He felt like he was under a very bright spotlight all of a sudden, but continued anyway. "It is, but I think as long as you're honest about it, that's what's important, and it sounds like she was. I don't know if it was the right thing to do, but she didn't try to hide behind some cause and she went through the proper channels, and there's something to be said for that."

"Damn," said Mao.

"Well said," agreed Rivalz.

"I'll drink to that," said Lelouch, picking up a shot glass instead of kissing Suzaku. Their friends did the same.

"Cheers!"

They took their shots, shuddered and pulled faces, then went back to singing.

The rest of the night passed in a wonderful blur of singing, alcohol and, in Lelouch and Suzaku's case, stepping out periodically to make out in the hallway. At 10:30, the receptionist knocked on their door to tell them they had a half hour left, and they chose their last few songs carefully.

"Who the fuck put on Landslide?!" demanded Kallen, though she was laughing.

"Me," replied Milly shamelessly, waggling her eyebrows. "I had to wait until we were good and fucked up, right?"

"Evil," muttered Shirley, but when Mao shoved his microphone at her, she took it, paused the music and cleared her throat. Everyone turned to face her. "Not to get all sentimental, but thank you guys so much for doing this and for taking such good care of me since everything happened, I couldn't have gotten through it without you, and-" she broke off, and everyone swarmed her, squeezing her in a giant group hug. Suzaku hesitated, but joined in, his heart suddenly aching. Up until now, he'd gone through his own separation essentially alone, but now he had Lelouch, and his friends, and it felt wonderful to be included. They broke apart, and Shirley wiped her eyes but smiled bravely. "Just, thank you guys, seriously," she said, and restarted the music. The pretty opening guitar notes filled the room, and she began to sing. "I took my love, I took it down…" Everyone else joined in,

"I climbed a mountain and I turned around…"

Under cover of their friends' voices, Lelouch leaned in close to Suzaku. "Are you okay?" Suzaku nodded, though his heart still ached.

"Thanks for inviting me out." They both knew he was talking about more than out to karaoke, but said nothing further.

"And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills! Well the landslide will bring it down, oh the landslide will bring it down…"

Everyone burst into rather sentimental cheers and applause, but then CC called,

"Last song, let's bring the mood back up." Blink-182's Feeling This blared from the speakers and the screen played '90s stock footage of skateboarding. Rivalz and Kallen took the microphones, but everyone sang, even harmonizing for the last part.

"Fate fell short this time-"

"Are we alone? Do you feel it?"

"-your smile fades in the summer!"

"So lost and disillusioned!"

"Place your hand in mine-"

"Are we alone? Do you feel it?"

"-I'll leave when I wanna!"

"So lost and disillusioned!"

The song ended, the stock footage reverted to the anime that had been playing when they'd arrived, and the group broke into one last round of cheers and applause before finishing their drinks and gathering their things to head home.

"That was so much fun!" cried Shirley, clapping her hands above her head as they headed down the hall.

"Good! That was the plan!" Kallen cried, clapping her hard on the shoulder. When they reached the bar, Mao thrust the receptionist his credit card, saying,

"I accept Zelle, Venmo, cash, drugs and sexual favors for your share!" Once everything was squared away, they were out the door.

It was much colder than it had been on arrival, but not unpleasantly so. There was no wind to speak of, and lots of people around. Under the cover of the upheaval, Lelouch snuck his hand into Suzaku's. He started, but then smiled widely at him. "Do you want to come home with me?" he asked, quietly. Lelouch bit down on the inside of his lip.

"I mean of course I do, but," his eyes darted to his friends. A little disappointed, but understanding completely, Suzaku just nodded and squeezed his hand.

"How's everyone getting home?" Milly asked loudly as a car with its speakers blaring sped past them, and Lelouch and Suzaku let go of each others' hands. "Shirley and I will probably get a cab…"

"The N," said Rivalz, watching her out of the corner of his eye.

"The M-15?" CC looked questioningly towards Lelouch.

"That works."

"Suzaku, where do you live, bro?" asked Rivalz.

"79th and York," he replied.

"You're my neighbor, let's go together," said Kallen, her eyes suddenly boring into his. Suzaku hesitated.

"I might walk part of the way-"

"That's cool," she said. Suzaku wondered what was coming, but nodded. She smiled approvingly. Lelouch caught her eye, alarmed, but she just tilted her head to the side in an "is there a problem?" sort of way. Lelouch glared back at her, but said nothing. He should have expected this.

"Where are you going, Mao?" asked CC, and he smiled an ingratiating smile, but, "No."

"All right all right, damn!"

They all hugged and kissed each other goodbye, and as Lelouch pulled Kallen close he whispered, "Be nice, okay?" Kallen made an impatient noise, but,

"I will, I promise."

"Text us when you get home!"

"Love you guys!"

"This was so much fun!"

"We'll do it again soon!"

Lelouch and Suzaku hugged each other goodbye, the heat constantly simmering between them all night threatening to come to a boil as Suzaku inhaled Lelouch's hair, as Lelouch felt Suzaku flush up against him even through their winter coats… "Next time?" Suzaku whispered, and Lelouch shivered in his arms.

"Yes." They broke apart and smiled at each other, the goodbye kiss they craved hanging teasingly in the air between them, but they turned away from each other before they could give in. After one last round of goodbyes, Kallen and Suzaku headed East while everyone else went West.

"They'll be fine," CC muttered to Lelouch, falling into step beside him as they turned left down Second Avenue, slightly behind Mao, Rivalz, Shirley and Milly.

"I know, I know," Lelouch replied, impatiently. CC smirked.

"What are you worried about? That Kallen will tell Suzaku, 'Lelouch might have given you a second chance, but I haven't, and if you break his heart again I swear I'll-"

"Fuck you," snapped Lelouch, though she wasn't far off.

"So are you going to tell me what happened?" she asked, bluntly. Ahead of them, Rivalz shoved Mao and he nearly fell into a stack of cardboard boxes. Milly and Shirley shrieked in laughter. Lelouch sighed, looking at CC's profile. She'd saved his life, she was his partner in crime.

"Suzaku and I are," he said, hesitantly, blushing deeply, "I guess together now." It wasn't any easier the second time, but CC grabbed him and kissed him on the side of the head. "Only Kallen knows," he told her, very quietly, "and we're taking it slow."

"I understand." Gratitude flooded Lelouch's chest, but before he could say anything, "It's weird seeing you in such a good mood, I'm not sure if I like it."

"Fuck you," snapped Lelouch, though he couldn't help but smile.

Suzaku and Kallen talked about mundane things the first few blocks, and though it was much easier than he would have expected, he felt the riot act was coming, and, sure enough, when they got stuck at a red light at 55th Street, "I'm not going to give the whole 'if you hurt my friend I'll rip your intestines out through your mouth' speech, you know." Suzaku laughed, both at the absurdity of the image and how blunt she was in saying it, and though he didn't know if Lelouch had told her or if she'd just guessed, he appreciated how much easier it made the conversation.

"You aren't? I'm a little disappointed," he replied.

"No," she laughed, but then turned to face him properly. "I'm going to tell you something though." Her eyes flashed, and Suzaku's smile vanished and he listened carefully. "Lelouch talks a big game, but all his usual rules are different with you. Do not take advantage of that." Suzaku knew she was absolutely right, but his heart still swelled to hear it from someone else. "Uchi no Lelouch wo tanomu yo! Nani ga attara, wakatteruyona?" Hearing it in his first language made Suzaku shudder at the enormity of what he was taking on. Take care of our Lelouch. If anything happens, you know what that means, right?

"Hai, makasetekudasai," he told her. Yes, leave it to me, because fuck if he wasn't more than willing. Kallen stared him hard in the face for a long time, but then nodded.

"But don't trip, if you break his heart I will actually rip your intestines out through your mouth." She said that in English. Suzaku laughed, then replied in English,

"I believe you! I've seen you at work." Kallen smiled approvingly, then nodded at their green light. They crossed the street, continuing their conversation in Japanese. His mother tongue. Her mother's tongue.

Lelouch and CC parted ways with their friends at 42nd Street to take the M-15 bus downtown. It was a quick ride and thankfully not crowded, but the further away they got the more Lelouch wondered what Suzaku and Kallen were talking about, if he should have just gone home with him, if everything had actually gone as well as he'd felt…

"Relax," CC told him, over and over.

They got off at Delancey Street and headed up to their apartment. Lelouch texted Suzaku and their friends that they'd made it home safely, then waited anxiously for his reply.

Suzaku and Kallen's conversation flowed much easier the rest of their walk. Kallen told Suzaku about her mother's addiction and her father's ineptitude and Suzaku told Kallen about his and Euphy's separation and how he'd initially taken the job here to get some distance from it, but had hoped to reconnect with Lelouch.

"Makes sense," said Kallen, reasonably. "Can I ask you something, though?"

"Of course."

"This is just a contract gig, right? So what happens when it runs out? Are you going to go back to Tokyo?" Suzaku took a sharp breath in. Truthfully he hadn't thought about it much with everything going on, but now June 1st was suddenly staring him hard in the face. However, he exhaled slowly, reminding himself he still had time, and, in any case,

"My boss has talked about bringing me on full time, so it'll depend on that, but even if he doesn't," he took another breath in, "I'd love to stay here. For Lelouch, of course, I don't want to be apart again, but also for myself, and for all of you. If you'll have me." Kallen smiled.

"You're stuck with us now, I think," she told him, switching abruptly to English. Suzaku's heart swelled in his chest, but before he could say anything else, Kallen continued, in Japanese, "I just hope you're still grateful once you learn what that means." It didn't sound like a threat, but it was rather ominous. However, "This is me," Kallen said, on 73rd and First.

They hesitated a moment, then hugged each other goodbye. Kallen gave him one last meaningful look, then turned towards her door. Suzaku waited until she was safely inside before heading the rest of the way home.

Lelouch was in bed when he finally got a text from Suzaku.

home safe!

your friends are all so great

thanks for including me, seriously

good

yeah they're okay I guess

I'm glad you came out with us!

He hesitated.

I love you

I love you too

good night!

Chapter Text

The Friday after karaoke, Lelouch and CC set aside their afternoon to work on the Excursion. They still had some time, but they needed to catalogue all the signed contracts and waivers from those who'd be performing and selling art, give an updated headcount to the venue, finalize the schedule and draft a reminder to everyone on their e-mail list that there were still spots open, but they needed to sign up by April 1st.

"That looks good to me," said CC, sliding Lelouch's laptop back across their dining table.

"Perfect." He sent the e-mail reminder, took a sip of coffee and leaned back in his chair, stretching.

"Are you bringing Suzaku?" CC asked, picking up her own mug. Lelouch narrowed his eyes.

"Why?" CC's lip twitched.

"Don't look so freaked out, I just want to know if I should plan on rooming with Kallen or not." A flush crept up Lelouch's neck and he stared out of the windows. It was a cold, overcast day, but rays of sunlight were fighting through the cloud cover, illuminating all the surrounding buildings at odd angles. Lelouch bit his lip. The idea of sharing a hotel room with Suzaku for a few nights was obviously enticing, even if it was for work, but it was also anxiety provoking because it was for work. He and Suzaku hadn't talked about ropes at all since they'd confessed their feelings for each other, and though Lelouch had never been into it for sexual gratification, he'd be lying if he said he didn't get off on it with Suzaku. Still though… He'd kept Lelouch and Zero separate for so long, what would integrating them even look like? He shook his head and drank more coffee.

"Fair enough," he replied, quietly.

"Speak of Kallen," CC said, as though he hadn't started spiraling, "have you heard from her?" They exchanged an anxious look across the table. Lelouch checked his phone, but saw only their old messages.

10:02 AM

Kallen

hey sorry I'm not gonna be able to make the meeting today

but I trust you guys

just tell me where to be and when

no worries

is everything okay?

Kallen

my dad's gonna come with me to see my mom

soooooooooo

CC

oh shit…

Kallen

exactly

well good luck

call us if you need us

CC

take care

we're here!

Kallen

thanks

I will

"Not since this morning," Lelouch replied, setting his phone back down on the table. CC nodded.

"It'll be all right," she assured him, resting her elbows on the table and leaning in closer.

"I know," he sighed.

"Don't be distracted when you go see Suzaku later. Distraction isn't sexy."

"Shut up, please." CC's lip twitched.

"So when you said 'together' did you mean you guys are actually dating or is this just a best friends with benefits type thing?" Lelouch flushed.

"What's with the interrogation?"

"You've barely said anything since karaoke which, I think you'll agree, is odd." Lelouch glared at her across the table for a moment, then they both laughed.

"There's not much more to say," he said, his face burning. "I told you we're taking it slow because there's still a lot to figure out, but," he stared into her golden eyes. "I guess we're dating. Like, actually." It gave him a little rush to say it, though it was tinged with anxiety. CC's expression shifted, and there was suddenly a note of something he'd never seen there before. Was it pride?

"Good for you," she told him, and he could tell she meant it. He had no idea what to say to that. She tilted her head to the side. "It's a lot of work, keeping everyone at arms' length, isn't it?" Her mouth twitched, but the pride hadn't left her expression. Lelouch just stared her hard in the face, and, after a long pause,

"Maybe so." CC got to her feet, crossed the room and kissed him on the top of the head.

"Go see your guy, I'll finish everything here." This put Lelouch on edge far more effectively than any comments about his personal life.

"Why?" he asked, suspiciously.

"Because I said so," she replied, with the merest hint of her work voice. Lelouch snorted with laughter, but understood.

"Thanks."

Two hours later, Lelouch stood outside Suzaku's building in the last of the cold evening light, finishing a TedEd riddle about an evil necromancer defeating brave but foolish travelers breaking into his dungeon to steal his treasure. He'd solved the puzzle quite easily and, unusually, the same way the narrator had instructed, and smiled at the outro: "You polymorph all three into skeletal mice (temporarily of course, you're not a monster), and send them on their merry way." Satisfied, but suddenly rather nervous, Lelouch took off his headphones, tucked them into his overnight bag and buzzed Suzaku's apartment.

The front door opened at once, and Lelouch began the laborious climb to the sixth floor. For the first time, it didn't seem nearly as bad, though that was probably because of what was at the top. Indeed, when he saw Suzaku on his threshold, wearing a glowing smile, a t-shirt and gray sweatpants, he barely felt the stitch in his ribs. He mustered his remaining strength and flew into Suzaku's arms, panting slightly, and Suzaku gave a soft laugh, held him close and kissed him on the cheek.

"Impressive!"

"Fuck you," Lelouch snapped, his voice muffled by Suzaku's neck and hair.

"Hm?" Lelouch extricated himself to look Suzaku in the face, his body already set alight.

"Fuck you." Suzaku's eyes flashed excitedly and he kissed Lelouch hard on the lips with a sharp breath in through his nose, then exhaled slowly when they broke apart, heat already flooding his belly.

"Come in." He stepped back, allowing Lelouch over the threshold, then pulled him into another kiss as the door fell closed behind them. He kissed him back eagerly, opening his mouth and digging his fingertips into his strong upper back. Suzaku gasped and wrapped his arms tight around him, clawing at the thick fabric of his winter coat. "My room?" he gasped, between kisses, and they shared an excited shiver.

"Yes…" They let go of each other and Lelouch kicked off his shoes and left his bag and winter coat on the couch before following Suzaku into his bedroom. Heart pounding and face flushed, Suzaku sat on the edge of his bed, legs spread and hands behind him. Lelouch's eyes roved hungrily up and down his body, and Suzaku's toes curled against the floor as he saw him inhale when they fixed momentarily upon his erection. They locked eyes, and Lelouch knew another rush of nerves, but swallowed them. He breathed in, his own erection twitching excitedly as he straddled Suzaku's lap and took hold of the sides of his face. Suzaku groaned softly and wrapped his arms tight around him, pressing one hand between his shoulder blades and gripping his ass with the other. Lelouch shuddered excitedly, then kissed Suzaku hard on the lips.

Suzaku groaned into his mouth, fresh heat rushing up his neck and flooding his belly. His toes curled against the floor again at the pressure and connection, and he dug his fingers hard into Lelouch's soft skin and the crisp fabric. Lelouch cried out softly into his mouth, his thighs squeezing tight on either side of Suzaku's, and as he kissed him deeper, he began to grind his hips back and forth. Suzaku moaned into his mouth again, the hot friction and pressure already making his head spin, and Lelouch's heart raced and his erection throbbed at the reaction.

"Do you feel good?" he asked.

"Yeah," Suzaku moaned, shifting Lelouch against his lap for a better angle. Heat flooded Lelouch's face, chest and belly, but he loved it. "F-fuck I've missed you…"

"You have?" Lelouch breathed excitedly against Suzaku's lips.

"Mmhmm," he breathed back, gripping his ass harder. Lelouch shuddered and wrapped his arms around his neck, kissing him deeper and moving his hips faster. "Last time I saw you had me fucked up." Lelouch shuddered again and pulled away to look him in the face, still rocking his hips.

"Oh yeah?" he asked, trying for low and seductive but succeeding in a soft needy gasp that made Suzaku's erection pulse. He blushed, but Suzaku just smiled, once more astounded that he hadn't realized his feelings sooner.

"Yeah," he replied, rubbing up and down Lelouch's back, his waist, his thighs. "I should have just pulled you into the bathroom and-" but Lelouch swallowed the rest of his sentence in another deep kiss. Suzaku moaned and wrapped his arms tight around him, bringing their chests flush up against each other. Lelouch dragged his hands up Suzaku's back and threaded his fingers through his soft hair, breathing hard through his nose. He'd thought about that too, of course, and they'd texted about it, but hearing it out loud was almost overwhelming. He pulled out of their kiss, chest heaving as he breathed hard through parted lips. He stared into Suzaku's face, flushed and wanting and hazy but still so loving. He knew yet another rush of nerves, but ignored them to withdraw his arms from around Suzaku and begin to unbutton his shirt, biting down on the inside of his lip. Suzaku took an excited breath in as more creamy skin, smooth muscle and elegant lines were revealed.

"You can have me now," Lelouch said, quietly, looking at him sideways as he shrugged his shoulders and allowed his shirt to fall gently to the floor behind him, leaving goosebumps in its wake. Suzaku's entire body tensed and he wondered for a split second if he'd come on the spot, but instead he just yanked off his t-shirt and flipped Lelouch over onto his back. Lelouch cried out even though his whole body was screaming its approval. Suzaku leaned in close to Lelouch, hands on either side of his face.

"I can?" he asked, his voice thick with arousal. Lelouch gasped, and for a split second he gave in completely to Suzaku's words and their shared need, but then,

"Yes." Now it was Suzaku's turn to give in for a moment, to groan and thrust his hips up into the hot friction between them, then he leaned in closer, nosing gently against Lelouch's cheek, jaw and ear.

"You can have me too." Lelouch moaned softly and wrapped his arms and legs tight around Suzaku, squeezing him with his thighs and pressing their bare chests together. Suzaku gave another satisfied moan and thrust his hips up, grinding against Lelouch as he kissed his neck, collar bones and chest. Lelouch closed his eyes and arched up into his eager mouth, open and receptive, but still rather overwhelmed; Suzaku was the only person who'd ever made him feel this way, and every kiss flooded every nerve of his body with electricity. Suzaku continued to kiss down Lelouch's chest, feeling and smelling and tasting all his smooth lines and sharp angles, his beating heart and pulsing breath, until he arrived at the waistband of his pants.

"Wait-" Suzaku stopped at once and looked up, terrified he'd crossed a line. Lelouch bit his lip and propped himself up on his elbows, and they locked eyes.

"Are you all right?" Suzaku asked, his heart hammering. Lelouch nodded, a slight shiver running down his spine.

"I'm fine, it's just," he took a deep breath in and sighed it out. "It's just intense." Suzaku's eyes widened.

"Do you want to stop?"

"No," Lelouch assured him at once, gently reaching down to cup the side of his face. Suzaku inhaled at the touch, then turned to kiss his palm. Lelouch flushed, but, "Keep going."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." Suzaku nodded, then his eyes darkened lustfully as he stared between Lelouch's spread legs. He took another breath in, looked up into Lelouch's pretty eyes and, without breaking their gaze, kissed his erection through his dress pants. Lelouch gasped and his thighs tensed excitedly.

"Is that okay?" Suzaku asked, breathlessly.

"Yes…" Suzaku smiled, straightened up and undid Lelouch's pants, then slid them and his underwear down his slender thighs and tossed them onto the floor. Lelouch bit his lip and gripped the sheets on either side of him, his face and chest burning, but when he saw Suzaku staring hungrily between his legs, his erection throbbed almost painfully hard. Suzaku took it all in, wondering yet again how he hadn't realized his feelings sooner. "What?" asked Lelouch, but Suzaku just replied, simply,

"You're beautiful," and was back on top of him. They kissed deeply, lovingly, then Suzaku pulled away to kiss and bite and suck all the way back down to his hip bones. Shivering a little, Lelouch propped himself up on his elbows again to watch Suzaku take hold of his erection. "Is that okay?"

"Yes," Lelouch replied, his toes curling as Suzaku began to stroke him slowly up and down. "Oh fuck-" Suzaku smiled and made a satisfied noise, then started kissing along his belly, the insides of his hip bones, his thighs, then finally, the tip of his erection. "Oh!" Lelouch locked eyes with Suzaku again, his heart pounding.

"Are you-" they asked at the same time, then laughed rather shakily.

"You first," breathed Lelouch.

"Are you all right?" Suzaku asked, softly, his breath teasing his erection.

"I'm fine," Lelouch replied, doing his utmost to keep his voice steady. "Just…" His eyes darted to his erection which Suzaku was still holding so tenderly, then back to his pretty green eyes. "Are you sure?" Suzaku took a shaky breath in, but smiled and nodded.

"I'm very sure." His eyes flashed and Lelouch's erection throbbed in his hand. "Just… Please tell me how you like it." Lelouch's entire body tensed, then released in a fresh wave of arousal.

"I will."

"Good." Suzaku smiled, tenderly kissed the tip of his erection, then drew his tongue around it in slow, wet circles. His own erection throbbed and he shifted against the bed. It was all new, but he loved it.

"Oh fuck!" Lelouch's thighs shook and he gripped the sheets tighter. It had been such a long time, and it felt so good, and it was Suzaku.

"Good?" Suzaku asked, his eyes widening almost innocently.

"Keep going." Suzaku obeyed at once, licking more wet, teasing circles around the tip of Lelouch's erection before slowly, carefully, taking him into his mouth. Lelouch threw his head back in a long, ecstatic groan, the tight, wet heat enough to make his head spin. He knew he wouldn't last long, but he didn't care. Suzaku breathed hard through his nose as he moved up and down, relishing the feel of him against his tongue and between his lips, the sound of him moaning, the taste of his precum as he pulsed into his mouth. "Faster," Lelouch groaned. He'd never liked to watch before, but with Suzaku… They locked eyes, and Suzaku gave an approving little moan around his erection before sucking back up, then down as deep as he could, then back up, faster now. "Oh fuck!" Lelouch cried out, his whole body seized with pleasure. "Y-yes! Just like that! Just like that!" Suzaku moaned and kept up his pace and their eye contact, moving his hand up and down with his mouth and swirling his tongue around the tip. He could feel Lelouch's thighs shaking and knew what that meant with another thrill of arousal, but then pulled away completely, gasping, and Lelouch cried out in frustration, his whole body shuddering violently. "W-why'd you stop?!" he demanded, though the snap in his voice was ruined by how desperate he sounded. Suzaku just slowly stroked his twitching, dripping erection.

"Are you close?" he asked, softly. Lelouch's already flushed face flushed deeper.

"I was." Suzaku smiled, again looking almost innocent in his excitement, still stroking him up and down.

"Can I swallow you?" Lelouch closed his eyes and took a sharp breath in, his entire body tensing, then releasing, putting him right back to the edge.

"Yes!" he cried, trying and failing not to sound desperate as he stared Suzaku hard in the face. Suzaku just smiled, his heart and erection both throbbing.

"Good." He took Lelouch's erection into his mouth again and returned to the pace and pressure he liked so much, moaning and breathing hard through his nose. Lelouch threw his head back in an ecstatic cry, then watched Suzaku please him, his thighs shaking and hands gripping the sheets so hard his knuckles were white, the pressure inside him building.

"Just like that! Just like that! Oh f- don't stop! Don't stop! Don't stop!" With one last, hard cry, all the tension gripping Lelouch's body released him, rushing out into Suzaku's eager mouth in ecstatic pulses until he was drained dry. He fell back against the pillows, gasping and shuddering, while Suzaku moaned and swallowed it all before straightening up to take in the glorious picture before him. Lelouch was splayed out, eyes half closed and lips parted, breathing deeply, looking completely spent and satisfied. Suzaku felt a headrush and was upon him at once, pulling him tightly into his arms and rolling him onto his side. Lelouch just groaned and let him do it, his body too heavy to do anything else.

"Good?" Suzaku asked, and Lelouch managed to catch his lips in a soft kiss.

"Mmhmm…" He buried his face in Suzaku's neck, coming down by degrees and inhaling his skin and hair. He felt so completely in his senses, so completely in his heart, and it was new and overwhelming, but he also felt more peaceful and satisfied in Suzaku's arms than he'd ever felt anywhere else.

"Good." Suzaku stroked his hair, relishing the intimacy and connection, pleased with himself for taking care of Lelouch so well. He blushed and his erection twitched, but he ignored it, content to stay this way forever. Eventually, however, Lelouch shifted in his embrace to look up at him. They smiled at each other. Yes, Suzaku was the only person who had ever made Lelouch feel this good, and though it was rather nervewracking, it was hard to feel too anxious about what it all meant. He kissed Suzaku softly, then reached between his legs. "Ah!"

"You're so hard," Lelouch breathed softly into his ear.

"I-I know," he replied, his toes curling as Lelouch rubbed him through his sweatpants.

"Let me do you."

"Are you sure?" Suzaku asked, even though he'd never wanted anything more in his life. Lelouch pulled away to kiss him heavily on the lips, then looked him in the face, his lip twitching.

"Obviously." Suzaku just nodded and Lelouch kissed him once more on the mouth before rolling him onto his back and kissing his neck, then moving down, exploring Suzaku's smooth, muscular chest with his hands, lips and tongue. Suzaku moaned and closed his eyes, the touches delicate, but deliberate, and because it was Lelouch, reached far deeper than his skin. His stomach hitched as Lelouch hooked his graceful fingers into his waistband and pulled his sweatpants and underwear down over his thighs, knees, calves and ankles, then tossed them to the side with the rest of their clothes. He then straightened up and knew a rush of arousal and emotion as he stared at Suzaku before him, open and wanting and all for him, his eyes extra bright against his flushed skin.

"Are you all right?" Suzaku asked, but Lelouch just smiled and said,

"Yes," before diving forward to begin kissing Suzaku's thighs. Suzaku moaned and spread his legs, allowing Lelouch more access to his soft skin and strong muscle, his lips, teeth and tongue sending little pulses of pleasure out through his body. Lelouch locked eyes with him, smiled, then bit down on his inner thigh and sucked gently. Suzaku's toes curled and he cried out, gripping the sheets on either side of him. "You like that?" Lelouch asked, unnecessarily, on a rush of power and excitement.

"Yes!" Suzaku moaned, with just a touch of impatience that made Lelouch shiver. He dove right back in, kissing and licking, then biting and sucking his inner thighs harder, not enough to leave marks but more than enough to make Suzaku's erection throb and ooze precum onto his belly. He gripped the sheets tighter and threw his head back in an ecstatic cry, and though he loved it, "Lelouch…" Hearing his name hit him like a tidal wave, and he closed his eyes for a moment, then faced Suzaku again.

"Y-yes?" he gasped. Suzaku reached forward and cupped the side of his flushed face.

"You're teasing me," he said, again with just enough impatience to make Lelouch's stomach hitch. Trying and failing to stay composed, he asked,

"Do you want more?" Suzaku closed his eyes in a sharp inhale, then moaned,

"Yes!" For maybe half a second, Lelouch considered denying him, because fuck if the idea of making him squirm didn't give him a rush, but no, he wanted to make Suzaku feel good, hear him moan and feel him shiver and taste his pleasure. When Suzaku opened his eyes, Lelouch's lip twitched.

"Okay," he said, and Suzaku almost cried out in relief. At last, without breaking eye contact, Lelouch took hold of Suzaku's erection, then took him into his mouth as deep as he could. Suzaku threw his head back in a moan of ecstasy, the sudden hot, wet pressure sending a tidal wave of pleasure rising and crashing through his body.

"Oh fuck…" he moaned, forcing his eyes open to watch Lelouch move up and down, already building to the perfect pace. Suzaku usually liked to take it slow and enjoy it all, but watching and feeling Lelouch please him after craving it for weeks already had him at the edge and he didn't want to stop. "More," he groaned. Lelouch shuddered between his legs and kept going, desperate to hear more. "Y-yes! Oh my god, like that!" Lelouch moaned hard around Suzaku's erection, taking note of each twitch, every throb, wanting to taste, feel and know it all, but then was distracted by Suzaku threading his fingers through his hair. He looked up, though he didn't stop. Suzaku managed a smile and said, through his desperate panting, "I'm close!" Lelouch moaned hard again and kept going, Suzaku's need fueling him, his arousal flooding him. Suzaku's thighs shook as the pressure built to bursting point. "Oh f- I'm gonna-" With a shaky cry, Suzaku came, hard, into Lelouch's mouth, his entire body shuddering violently and mind blanking blissfully with the force of it. All that was real was his pleasure, the bed beneath him, and Lelouch. Lelouch pulling away, Lelouch pressing his hand into his thigh to sit up, Lelouch swallowing and blushing. "Come here," Suzaku moaned, shuddering. Lelouch's heart swelled and he came to lie in Suzaku's arms again, resting his head against his chest. Suzaku held him close, giving little residual shivers of pleasure as he came down. They stayed there a while, connected and cared for in contented silence, until eventually, "That was amazing…" Lelouch stirred.

"Mmhmm…" He looked up at Suzaku, and he cupped his cheek and kissed him tenderly on the lips. He shivered, the intimacy almost overwhelming, but he stayed with it and smiled, and Suzaku smiled back and stroked his hair.

"Are you hungry?" he asked, coming back to himself.

"Yeah, actually," said Lelouch, also returning to himself.

"We can go out if you want, or I could just make something here, or-" Lelouch kissed Suzaku on the lips again.

"Let's stay in, it's fucking cold out." Suzaku smiled.

"I was hoping you'd say that."

"You were?"

"Mm." Lelouch kissed him on the lips again, then sat up.

"Get to stepping then."

"Yes, Your Majesty," Suzaku laughed. He jumped out of bed and put his sweatpants on without bothering with his t-shirt. Lelouch eyed it for a moment before picking it up and putting it on. It was soft and smelled like Suzaku, which would have been warm and comforting enough without the look on his face upon seeing him in it.

"What?" Lelouch asked, blushing, but Suzaku just crossed the room and hugged him. "What?" Lelouch asked again, laughing. Suzaku kissed him on the side of the head.

"Nothing." He let go of Lelouch, his heart full and expression bright. Lelouch rolled his eyes, though he was still smiling, and put his underwear back on. Suzaku took him by the hand and pulled him into the kitchen. "Can I get you water or anything?"

"Yes please." Lelouch leaned against the kitchen counter, playing with the hem of Suzaku's t-shirt and watching him take a glass out of the cabinet.

"Did you have a good day today?" he asked, filling it. Lelouch shrugged.

"It was okay, just lots of paperwork and e-mails and other tedious shit."

"That sucks," replied Suzaku, handing Lelouch the glass of water. Lelouch drank half of it in one gulp while Suzaku washed his hands and took ingredients out of the refrigerator.

"Yeah but it needed to get done with our Excursion coming up."

"You've mentioned that before, but what exactly is an Excursion?" Lelouch took another sip of water and watched Suzaku plug in his rice cooker. He looked so handsome and comfortable and relaxed, it was like they were playing house, except that it was real, or maybe that they were getting food in the middle of the night after sneaking back into either of their fathers' houses, except that they were in their own space and there was no underlying threat or tension. "Lelouch?" He started and stared at Suzaku over the rim of his water glass. "Lelouch are you okay?" Lelouch wanted to just keep talking about work, for everything to remain light and easy, but then he remembered his promise with a rush of anxiety.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, I just never thought this would happen, and it feels almost…" he broke off and took another sip of water, blushing.

"Too good to be true?" Suzaku offered. Lelouch's blush deepened.

"A little, and I'm trying really hard not to panic." He'd meant it sarcastically, but it certainly didn't come out that way. He closed his eyes, but then Suzaku stepped forward and took him into his arms.

"I understand," he told him. "You're doing great." Lelouch couldn't decide if he wanted to argue or give in, but the rush of nerves seemed to be passing, so instead he just asked,

"Can I help with anything?" Suzaku kissed him on the forehead.

"Nah I've got it, you relax."

"Yeah yeah…" Suzaku let go of him and he leaned back against the counter again, reassured in spite of himself.

"So what exactly is an Excursion again?" Suzaku asked, measuring rice.

"It's basically a bigger version of the Masquerade you went to, but it lasts a whole weekend and sex is allowed." An excited shiver ran down Suzaku's spine as he washed the rice he'd measured.

"Allowed how?" he asked, carefully, though Lelouch saw his eagerness from across the room and it made his heart skip.

"Well we rent out a whole hotel and set up one of the common rooms like the Masquerade. If people don't want an audience they can always stay in their rooms, of course, but…" Suzaku poured the clean rice into the cooker, then added water, remembering the explicitly pornographic shibari videos he used to watch despite how embarrassing and overwhelming they were, then that session where Lelouch had used the toy to make all the knots he'd tied around him vibrate…

"That sounds amazing," he breathed, before too much heat could flood his body.

"They're interesting," said Lelouch, watching Suzaku get turned on in front of him. He wanted to know what exactly he was thinking, but,

"A hotel really lets you do all that?" Suzaku asked, turning on the rice cooker and beginning to wash and chop vegetables.

"One of CC's clients owns the place," Lelouch explained, shelving his curiosity for now.

"I see…"

"Yeah, he's some kind of mogul scumbag and lets us do what we want as long as we don't cause any real damage," Lelouch continued, unconcernedly. "Here, let me show you." He set down his glass and went to retrieve his phone from his coat pocket. He impatiently got rid of all the push notifications as he returned to the kitchen, then pulled up the pictures from their last party in November. "We don't allow phones once things get going for obvious reasons, so this is all from the set up, but you can scroll." Suzaku set down his knife, wiped his hands and took Lelouch's phone. The first photo was of a huge 19th Century mansion with a sweeping lawn and wraparound porch and the beach as its back yard.

"That's the hotel?"

"Yeah. It's nice right?"

"Really nice." Suzaku scrolled through the pictures of what looked like a living room, which had been cleared of furniture and draped in thick, luxurious fabric like some kind of erotic circus tent, which he supposed it was. Mattresses had been set up throughout the room and Suzaku recognized the tripod suspension frame and other accoutrement from The Dungeon as well as floggers, handcuffs, toys and ropes set about on tables draped in more fabric. "Wow," said Suzaku, then scrolled to what looked like another living room. There was a bar at the back, a DJ booth to its left and the wall to its right was hung with paintings.

"We can't only entertain people with sex," Lelouch explained, "so we have artists come and sell their work, DJs play sets and we sometimes get live bands in, which is really fun. There's also a pool and hot tub out back and of course the ocean, but it was too cold for that last time."

"I see…"

"Like I said, it's really fun."

"It seems like it…"

"Mm, we also-" but at that moment a text appeared at the top of the screen.

Shirley

Hey, Lulu!

I just got your e-mail about the Excursion

I know Milly, Rivalz and Mao are going, is there still room?

"Sorry, one second," said Lelouch, taking his phone back. Suzaku's stomach hitched.

ooh finally ready to take the plunge?

I'm not promising anything!

no pressure!

but yes we've still got spaces

if you and Milly want to stay together we've got some double rooms left iirc

either way, use the code H0stileTake0ver when you make the reservation, that'll give you a discount

thanks, Lulu! You're the best!

cheers!

"So your friends also go to all these?" Suzaku asked, back to chopping vegetables. Lelouch set his phone on the counter and tilted his head to the side at the sudden edge in his voice.

"Yes," he replied, "I mean, you saw everyone at the Masquerade, didn't you?" Suzaku's stomach was still squirming. He tried to reassure himself of their conversation at karaoke, which had helped at the time but now seemed totally inadequate. "Suzaku, what's wrong?" Lelouch asked, firmly but kindly, placing his hand on his lower back. "And don't say 'nothing.'" Suzaku bit his lip and turned to look at him, wishing more than anything he could just say "nothing," but so far Lelouch had kept his promise, and last time had gone okay…

"I'm sorry," Suzaku said, shaking his head. He set down his knife, then turned to Lelouch, gathering his courage. "I know I asked if any of your friends liked you before and you said no, but… have you ever…?"

"Have I ever hooked up with any of my friends, you mean?" Lelouch asked, his own stomach hitching.

"Well… Yes," Suzaku replied, terrified of what he was about to find out. For maybe half a second, Lelouch considered not telling Suzaku the truth, because his night with Kallen had been so long ago and no one else knew, but he'd kept enough from Suzaku and, in any case, he was sure she'd told guys she'd dated if they'd asked.

"Kallen and I hooked up once when we were like, nineteen, but that's the only time." Suzaku's stomach immediately unclenched.

"That's it?"

"What do you mean 'that's it?!'" Suzaku burst out laughing, then Lelouch began to laugh too.

"Well, with your job and all, I guess I-"

"Oh my god, I don't fuck my clients!"

"Oh my god I don't fuck my clients!" Suzaku repeated in mock outrage. They both dissolved into laughter again, and it was a while before they could stop.

"I'm serious, though," Lelouch assured Suzaku when he'd caught his breath. "I love Kallen to death, but you have nothing to worry about. We were both dealing with a lot of shit at the time and it was more about comfort and blowing off steam than anything, does that make sense? I know she'd tell you the same thing." Suzaku thought for a moment, remembering his last times with Euphy, and understood completely, as painful as it was. "We were also high on ecstasy, so there's that." Suzaku snorted and shook his head, but then,

"That makes sense." He hesitated. "The last few times with my ex were like that. Or maybe to prove a point or something." He flushed, and Lelouch took his hand. It wasn't nearly as painful as it could have been to hear about Suzaku's ex. Indeed, it confirmed that there was no threat, although he couldn't help but wonder if he'd told her what was going on between them yet.

"I get that." Suzaku squeezed his hand. "Nakanaide."

"Nakanaide." Suzaku kissed Lelouch on the lips, feeling unblocked and reassured. Like at karaoke, it was a weird feeling, but also further proof he could ask for reassurance and get it. Maybe there really was something to saying things explicitly. He gave Lelouch's hand another squeeze. "I'm sorry, you must be starving, let me finish dinner!" Lelouch gave a soft laugh and let go of his hand to sit back and watch. As Suzaku cooked, they discussed the Excursion in more detail as well as those of the past, the most and least exciting, if anything really crazy had ever happened…

"Our parties tend to skew older, so there's not much outright drama," said Lelouch, composedly, refilling his water glass. "Occasionally people still get their feelings hurt, naturally, but our guests take any issues to their rooms rather than, you know, screaming at each other in the middle of the bar or something."

"Have you ever seen that?" asked Suzaku, morbidly curious as he stirred chicken and vegetables in a frying pan.

"Never at our parties, but at others I've been to for sure," replied Lelouch over the sizzling and warmth, the coziness contrasting gloriously with their conversation. "There used to be a couple in the community that hosted sex parties out in Bushwick, which," he mimed jerking off. "I only went to one and I'm so glad I did because they got into a," he paused for dramatic effect, "heated discussion in the middle of it."

"What happened?" asked Suzaku, keenly.

"Well the guy was getting head in the middle of a crowd of people-"

"As you do," laughed Suzaku.

"As you do! And it normally wouldn't be a big deal, given it's a sex party, but," he paused again, poised for Suzaku's reaction, "it was from his ex."

"What?!" Suzaku cried, loving the scandal.

"Oh yeah," said Lelouch, thoroughly enjoying his audience. "His girlfriend saw and flipped the fuck out and started screaming at the pair of them. The party was over pretty fast after that."

"I bet!" cried Suzaku, half laughing, half horrified, before asking, exasperatedly, "but, respectfully, what did they think was going to happen?!"

"Fucking search me," replied Lelouch while Suzaku set a pot of water on the stove to simmer. "They broke up after that and stopped hosting parties." Suzaku snorted and added powdered soup broth to the water.

"I can't imagine why…" Just like hearing about Shirley's ex, the story made him feel much better about his life and his choices. "So can I come to this Excursion?" he asked, after a moment.

"CC actually asked me today if I was going to bring you," replied Lelouch, going slightly pink. Suzaku couldn't help but smile.

"And what did you tell her?"

"Well I had to ask you if you actually wanted to go first, didn't I?"

"Of course I do," replied Suzaku, excitedly, ignoring his snotty tone. "When is it, exactly?"

"The 26th to 28th of April."

"Way before my contract is up, that's good," said Suzaku, without thinking. Lelouch inhaled his sip of water and coughed. "Whoa, easy, are you okay?" Lelouch collected himself.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." He cleared his throat and took an actual sip of water. "Do you know what you'll do when your contract is up?" he asked, rather than ignore or deflect as he usually would have. Suzaku made a sympathetic noise, set down his wooden spoon and hugged Lelouch again.

"No, but there's no need to panic yet," he soothed. "My bosses have talked about giving me a full time position, and-"

"But what if they don't?" demanded Lelouch, unable to stop himself. His heart was racing. He knew this would come up eventually, but now he hated to think about it. He knew logically that it wouldn't, couldn't, be the end for them, but he needed to hear Suzaku say it.

"We'll make it work," Suzaku told him, firmly. "I'm not just gonna take off back to Tokyo and leave you like nothing happened." He couldn't help but feel a little offended at this implication.

"You promise?" Lelouch asked, hating how childlike he sounded, but,

"I promise." Suzaku kissed him on the lips. "Nakanaide."

"I'm not crying." Suzaku smiled.

"Go sit down, I'll bring you a plate." He nodded at the couch, and Lelouch obeyed, reassuring himself that Suzaku was right, and, in any case, there was no use panicking about it yet. Suzaku brought him a plate of rice, chicken and vegetables and a bowl of clear soup.

"This looks amazing," said Lelouch, "thank you…"

"Of course," replied Suzaku, very pleased with himself. "If it's actually terrible, though, too bad." Lelouch laughed, but Suzaku had always been a good cook. For a few minutes, they ate in silence, then, "So do I have to sign up for this Excursion or am I your guest or something?" Lelouch smiled at how eager he was and tried not to think about how he'd navigate it all once they were actually there.

"My guest, but that means you have to come early and help us set up."

"I can do that!"

"I was joking, but-" Lelouch started at the sound of his phone ringing on the counter. "Fuck me, sorry!"

"It's fine, please," laughed Suzaku, watching Lelouch get up impatiently and cross the room. However, when he picked up his phone, his eyes widened.

"I'm so sorry, I need to take this," he said, and answered the call. "Hello?"

"Lelouch? Do you have a second?" Kallen sounded like she had a bad cold.

"Of course, are you okay?" He began to pace up and down Suzaku's living room, aware of his eyes following him. He heard Kallen take a deep breath in.

"I'm actually okay, today was just-" she cleared her throat.

"You wanna tell me what happened?" Lelouch asked, and Suzaku shifted against the couch at his tone, so kind and soft and gentle. Lelouch heard Kallen take another deep breath in.

"My parents got into a huge fight the second they saw each other."

"Oh no…"

"Yeah. I wasn't surprised, it was all the usual shit: blaming each other for the divorce, calling each other names," she paused, "and I just fucking lost it."

"I don't blame you," said Lelouch, though he shuddered to think about it. "What did you say?" Kallen sniffed.

"I told them it was both of their faults, that they're as bad as each other and I'm fucking tired of it, that she refuses to take responsibility for herself and that he's a terrible father for leaving me alone to deal with it all and-" Lelouch heard her suppress a cry and covered his mouth with his hand. Suzaku tried to catch his eye, but he was staring too hard across the room.

"I mean you weren't wrong," said Lelouch, gently, "but holy shit…"

"No I wasn't," Kallen agreed fiercely. She took another sharp breath in. "And I think they both realized it because they finally shut the fuck up and listened to me, so I said my piece and left the room."

"Right…" said Lelouch, still pacing.

"But my dad," Kallen took a shuddering breath, "my dad came to find me and," she swallowed, "and he told me I was absolutely right and that he was sorry-" she must have taken the phone away from her ear, but Lelouch's heart leapt even as it killed him to hear her so upset.

"He did?"

"Yeah," Kallen gasped, "yeah he did! I mean it was probably just self-serving bullshit, but he got real emotional about it and it still felt good to hear, you know?

"I know," said Lelouch, because he absolutely did know.

"Yeah," agreed Kallen, sniffing. "He told me he was gonna step up and help me, and…"

"What happened?" Lelouch asked, stopping his pacing, his heart pounding against his ribs.

"We went back into the room and he told my mom straight up, 'once you're discharged you're either going to inpatient or you're finding another place to live, but you can't stay in the apartment anymore.'"

"Oh my god," breathed Lelouch, wonderingly. "And what did she say?!"

"Well she didn't like it," Kallen said. "She fought and she cried, but I held the line and told her no, I can't stand being around her when she's drinking and I didn't wanna watch her kill herself-" she broke off, and Lelouch made a sympathetic noise, his heart aching for her. "She still tried to argue, but I didn't back down. I told her the months she was in the hospital were the easiest of my entire fucking life and that she needed to get better or get out because I'm done."

"And?" Lelouch asked with bated breath. Kallen inhaled deeply,

"And she finally agreed to treatment," she sighed, and Lelouch felt her relief like a tidal wave through the phone. "My dad found a place upstate that has an opening and he's gonna pay for it, so we're taking her up there when she's discharged next week."

"Oh my god!" Lelouch cried, resuming his pacing and smiling widely across the room. "Fucking finally, how do you feel?"

"I'm not holding my breath it'll actually work, but, relieved for now," said Kallen, sounding absolutely exhausted.

"I completely understand. Are you staying at your place tonight?"

"Yes, and my dad's here with me."

"Is that okay?" A pause.

"I think so."

"Do you want me to come over?" Suzaku's stomach clenched and he sat up straight, trying to catch Lelouch's eye, but his gaze was still focused straight ahead in a kind of fierce concern.

"No no, I'm good, my dad and I are gonna talk." Lelouch sighed heavily and nodded, knowing a weird mix of elation and jealousy.

"Okay… Well good luck, call me if anything."

"I will," Kallen replied, her voice constricting again. "I just wanted-" she cleared her throat. "I just wanted to let you know what happened."

"I appreciate it," Lelouch told her with the utmost sincerity. "Keep me posted, okay?"

"I will. Thanks, Lelouch."

"Always. Does everyone else know?"

"I'm gonna text the group chat now."

"Okay," Lelouch replied. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Nah it's okay, I've got it for now." Lelouch bit his lip.

"If you're sure. Have a good night, okay?"

"You too. Good night."

"Bye…" Kallen ended the call as she stifled a sob, and Lelouch crossed the room and sank back onto the couch, closing his eyes as the adrenaline drained away. He'd completely forgotten about Kallen until she'd called and felt terrible, but he supposed he'd feel way worse if everything had gone to hell. However, it seemed things were okay, or at least, as okay as they could be. He wondered what it must be like to have your father show up for you like that, for him to have your back and take responsibility, even twenty years too late-

"Lelouch?" He started, then knew another surge of guilt at Suzaku's wide eyes and tense shoulders.

"I'm so sorry about that," he said, taking his hand and squeezing it. "Kallen's mother-"

"Is she okay?" Suzaku asked at once.

"We'll see," said Lelouch, and he quickly relayed everything Kallen had told him. Shame crept up the back of Suzaku's neck. He'd immediately felt jealous and resentful at that phone call taking Lelouch away, but it had been a real serious issue. He bit down on the inside of his lip. When Kallen had told him, "You're stuck with us now, I think," and "I just hope you're still grateful once you learn what that means," he hadn't understood, but he supposed this was what she'd meant. However, the idea of sharing Lelouch with other people, even people who had embraced him with open arms, made him feel sick. Wasn't this just more of what had happened between him and Euphy? "What's wrong, are you okay?" Lelouch's voice brought him back to the present, and more shame crept up his neck, but he forged ahead as promised.

"I'm sorry to keep bringing this up," he sighed, and Lelouch bit down on the inside of his lip. "I really, really don't want to be weird about your friends, but hearing you say you'd leave so quickly really hurt, which I know is ridiculous because this was obviously an emergency, but-" Lelouch just kissed Suzaku on the lips, swallowing his spiral. Suzaku relaxed a little and kissed him back, drawing comfort from the affection.

"Listen to me," Lelouch told him, firmly but kindly, pulling away and staring him intently in the face. "I love you, Suzaku, and I promise I'll never neglect you on purpose or leave you hanging ever again." His stomach squirmed guiltily, but he ignored it, and Suzaku nodded. "But there's only so many hours in the day, and I'll sometimes have to put my friends or my sister or my clients first. You feel what I'm saying?" Suzaku nodded, because he understood it logically, but it still hurt to hear even though it shouldn't. However, he thought suddenly back to his life in Tokyo with Euphy. From three months and 11,000 kilometers away, it was much easier to see how little they had outside of each other, how all of their friends were other couples they spent time with in fours and sixes and eights. It had been nice at the time, but, he realized in that very second, ultimately not enough. For either of them. "I hope you'll get to know my friends independently of me," Lelouch continued, bringing Suzaku back to the present again, "then maybe-" but Suzaku just kissed him on the lips.

"I'd like that," he said, and as he recalled his one on ones with Shirley, Rivalz and Kallen, he realized just how true that was, and hadn't he even told Lelouch before how much he'd wanted to meet his friends? And they'd been so kind and so welcoming… "Your friends really are great," he said, admiringly, tucking a strand of hair behind Lelouch's ear.

"I fucking love my friends," said Lelouch without hesitation, "and I need my friends." He hadn't meant to say the second part, but fuck if it wasn't true. Hadn't CC just asked him how hard it was keeping everyone at arms' length?

"And they need you too," said Suzaku. Lelouch blushed, but nodded.

"Don't tell them I said any of that," he warned, and Suzaku laughed. However, he also promised himself he'd be friendlier to Gino and Anya from now on. Why had he always been so hesitant before?

"I won't!"

"Good." Lelouch kissed him on the lips again. "I love you."

"I love you too."

Their conversation flowed freely as they finished dinner, and though it sometimes got uncomfortable, it wasn't nearly as difficult as it might have been.

Chapter Text

The Saturday before Kallen's birthday, Lelouch cooked Suzaku dinner at his apartment, then they played chess at the coffee table, mugs of tea on the floor beside them and music on gently in the background. The chilly rain that had been falling all day hung in misty clouds outside the windows, shimmering in the sun that was still up, Daylight Savings having passed. Suzaku picked up his mug of tea in both hands and watched Lelouch lean closer to the board, his brow furrowed and eyes narrowed, feeling warm and content, then looked around at the sound of CC's door opening.

"You look nice!" he told her as she approached, dressed in a black bodycon dress with her hair and make up done, holding a pair of Louboutin pumps. She ruffled his hair with her free hand.

"Thank you."

"Where are you off to, The Dungeon?"

"Oh no, a client's taking me to dinner, some $300 tasting menu type place." She addressed Lelouch. "I'll probably be back late." However, Lelouch just continued to glare at the chessboard. CC rolled her eyes at Suzaku, who said,

"That's nice of him." CC snorted.

"Hardly, he's some Wall Street asshole who gets off on me spending his money." She held up the shoes with a smirk. "I bought these with his credit card."

"Right," said Suzaku, thoughtfully, trying to wrap his head around it. Spending more time at their apartment over the last few weeks had allowed him to get to know CC better as well as the type of work she did and how it differed from Lelouch's. Not all of it appealed to him, but he still liked to understand it anthropologically because, as Lelouch had rightly pointed out a million years ago, "you learn a lot about people doing this type of work." "Is it a 'let me take care of you and provide for you' thing?" he asked, because that made the most sense to him. CC smiled, pleased at his effort, but then replied, bluntly,

"No, this guy just likes being exploited." Suzaku laughed rather awkwardly.

"Well, be safe." CC ruffled his hair again.

"Thank you. I'm glad someone in this room cares," she added, with a sarcastic glare at Lelouch. He didn't respond. Suzaku took a sip of tea. "Lelouch." CC rolled her eyes. "Lelouch." Still nothing. She stepped closer to him and raised a shoe, but then Lelouch moved his white bishop one space up and leaned back against the edge of the couch with his arms crossed.

"Your move," he said, his eyes flitting up to Suzaku, but then CC wrapped him smartly on the head with the toe of her shoe. "Ow, what-" he looked around wildly for a moment before realizing CC was right next to him. "What the fuck was that for?!"

"I'm going out with a pay pig. I'll be back late."

"Don't do anything I wouldn't," he told her, rubbing his head irritably. She smiled and sauntered down the hall, calling,

"Be good while I'm gone!"

"Be good while I'm gone," Lelouch mouthed sarcastically at Suzaku, still rubbing his head. Suzaku bit back a laugh as they listened to CC step into her shoes, put on her coat and head out for the night. The second the door fell closed behind her, Lelouch and Suzaku looked at each other, and the air in the apartment seemed to thicken.

"It's your move," said Lelouch, and Suzaku's eyes flashed.

"Yeah?" he asked, setting down his mug.

"Yes," Lelouch replied, his heart speeding up. Suzaku got up on his knees, placed his hands on either side of the chessboard and leaned in close to Lelouch.

"Mm," he breathed, their lips millimeters apart, but when Lelouch moved in for the kiss, Suzaku pulled away and sat back down again.

"What the fuck?!" Suzaku just smiled innocently, seized his rook at random and took one of Lelouch's pawns. Lelouch stared back and forth between the chessboard and Suzaku's face, more torn than he'd ever been in his entire life. Suzaku's heart swelled in his chest as he watched the indecision play out on Lelouch's pretty face for another thirty seconds before he just took his rook, said, "Check," crawled around the coffee table and climbed into Suzaku's lap. Suzaku laughed, very pleased with himself, wrapped his arms around Lelouch and kissed him on the lips.

"Mm…" They kissed slowly, Suzaku opening his mouth and Lelouch wrapping his arms around his neck and thrusting his tongue inside. Suzaku sighed and dug his fingers into his upper back, then dragged them down to take firm hold of him under his thighs. Lelouch gasped softly, but then Suzaku pulled out of their kiss and shifted under him.

"What-"

"Hold on tight."

"Wait-" but in one swift, agile movement, Suzaku stood up, managing to hold onto Lelouch, who cried out and squeezed his arms and legs tight around him. "Was that really necessary?!" he demanded, blushing.

"Of course not," replied Suzaku, easily, his arm muscles swelling as he carried Lelouch down the hall.

"Oh my god," Lelouch sighed, half exasperated, half turned on, and buried his face in his neck. Suzaku just laughed and carried him all the way to his room, then threw him onto the bed. Lelouch cried out and swore, but then Suzaku climbed on top of him and he wrapped his arms and legs tight around him again, relishing the feel of him, his weight, his body heat, his erection, as they kissed deeply.

Suzaku groaned into Lelouch's mouth and thrust up against him, teasing them both through their pants. Lelouch gasped and dug his heels into Suzaku's lower back, rocking his hips in a perfect rhythm, the friction and pressure forcing more heat between his legs, but it was the promise that really made his head spin. Suzaku shivered and pulled out of their kiss to move to Lelouch's neck, pressing his soft lips to his smooth skin and inhaling deeply through his nose. His erection throbbed longingly as he kissed and sucked gently up Lelouch's neck before biting down on his ear.

Lelouch gave a shuddering moan as the sensation rushed down his spine like an electric charge and he squeezed his thighs tight around Suzaku's waist. "What do you want?" Suzaku breathed in his ear, and goosebumps erupted up Lelouch's arms under the fine fabric of his button down, though his stomach gave a nervous hitch. He'd been anticipating this question, indeed he'd planned ahead for it, but his heart began to pound as he turned and looked Suzaku in the face.

"I want," he began, gathering himself and staring determinedly into Suzaku's beautiful eyes. "I want…" He took his hand and guided it down. Suzaku's lip twitched, waiting to have his hand pressed against Lelouch's erection through his dress pants, but gasped when he brought it around to his ass instead. Suzaku's eyes widened and he went very red as his whole body was flooded with hot, fresh arousal. Lelouch smiled at his reaction, though he couldn't help but blush too, his heart beating still faster.

"You… want me inside?" Suzaku asked, gently, just to be sure, and hearing it out loud gave both of them a headrush. Lelouch took a deep breath in, still staring hard into Suzaku's pretty eyes, then nodded on his exhale.

"Yes," he said, very quietly, blushing deeper. Suzaku's breath caught in his chest and though his body, heart and mind were begging him to just agree and go for it,

"Are you sure?" Lelouch appreciated this, but took hold of the sides of his face and pulled him into a deep, passionate kiss.

"Positive." Suzaku gave an eager little moan and kissed him back twice as hard. They stayed there a while, Lelouch still holding Suzaku's face as he rocked their hips together, sharing the new promise it all held, until the heat between them became too much and they broke apart. Lelouch rubbed his thumbs under Suzaku's eyes. "Get undressed." Suzaku gave another eager little moan, then his expression darkened lustfully and he straightened up to take off his shirt. Lelouch got to his feet, his thighs shaking slightly, and gracefully disrobed, then opened his bedside table drawer to take out condoms and lube. Suzaku's breath caught in his chest and he scrambled out of his pants and embraced Lelouch from behind. Lelouch closed his eyes and arched his back in an excited shiver, leaning his head over Suzaku's shoulder and pressing his ass back against his erection. Suzaku groaned and dug his fingers into Lelouch's smooth chest and bit his neck gently. "Oh fuck-"

"Mm," Suzaku breathed, stretching one hand against his breastbone and dragging the other down his chest and belly to grip his erection.

"Ah!" Lelouch's hands shook as he reached behind him to hold the backs of Suzaku's thighs and closed his eyes in a moan, shivering at the intimate touch. Suzaku gently bit his neck again as he stroked him up and down, doing his best to stay in control of himself against the deep, primal need inside him.

"How do you want it?" he asked in a low voice, pausing to rub his thumb around the tip of Lelouch's erection. Lelouch's eyes flew open and he dug his fingers into the backs of his thighs, then turned to look at him, the space between them blazing. He tried and failed to gather his thoughts while Suzaku fought the urge to push him down onto the bed and have his way with him.

"I want," he managed, eventually, speaking from his heart and body, "I want you on top, and-" but he broke off when Suzaku stroked him faster, venting some of the heat inside him.

"Yes?" Lelouch's toes curled against the floor.

"Start slow?" The words hit Suzaku like a lightning strike and more of that primal need surged up inside him. However, he managed to stay in control and kissed Lelouch soundly on the lips.

"Okay," he breathed, pulling away. Lelouch shivered in his arms, but managed a small smile.

"Will you be gentle?" he asked, playfully, and Suzaku threw his head back in a carnal groan and kissed him hard on the lips again. Lelouch's erection throbbed as he knew a rush of power at stirring Suzaku up so much, but then he pulled away, leaving him gasping.

"I'll do whatever you want," he promised him, rubbing the tips of their noses together. A wave of arousal rose and crashed between them, and Lelouch gasped, but nodded. "I love you…"

"I love you too."

One last deep kiss, then Lelouch gently extricated himself from Suzaku's embrace and lay down on the bed, his arms above his head and his knees bent and spread open. Suzaku stared hard between his legs for a moment, took a deep breath in through his nose and sighed it out as he snatched up the lube and settled himself between them. "Tell me if you need me to stop," he said, squeezing lube onto his fingers.

"I will," Lelouch replied, softly, locking eyes with Suzaku and shivering as he pressed his fingers up against him. Suzaku bit his lip and, maintaining eye contact, moved his middle finger in a slow, gentle circle, then slipped it inside. Lelouch sighed and gripped the pillows above his head, fresh heat flooding his chest, neck and face.

"Are you all right?" Suzaku asked, his heart racing and eyes fixed greedily on Lelouch's expression. He swallowed.

"More." Now it was Suzaku's face, neck and chest flooding with heat as he carefully drew his finger out, then pressed it back inside. Lelouch closed his eyes in a soft moan and Suzaku bit his lip, his erection throbbing longingly as he watched and felt him take his finger.

"Like that?"

"Yes…" Suzaku kept going, his erection twitching again as he imagined the hot, slippery tightness around it, then, "Turn your finger up."

"What?" Lelouch's eyes sharpened through their lustful haze and he let go of his pillows to hold his hand up to Suzaku.

"Like this," he said, blushing and making a "come here" motion with his first two fingers. Suzaku swallowed, then obeyed. Lelouch's entire body seized up and he cried out, his toes curling against the bed as the deep, almost sharp pleasure radiated out through his body.

"Like that?" Suzaku asked in a low growl, the reaction and sudden squeeze around his finger making his erection throb.

"Yes," Lelouch gasped. Suzaku nodded and kept going, pressing his finger up against Lelouch's sweet spot as he moved it in and out. When he felt him relax, hs slid in his index finger too. Lelouch closed his eyes in an ecstatic cry, his toes curling against the bed again.

"Good?" Suzaku asked, his erection giving another needy throb.

"So good…" Suzaku withdrew his fingers, then thrust them back inside. Lelouch threw his head back in a hard moan, the sensation radiating out through every nerve of his body, making his thighs shake and erection twitch. Suzaku echoed his moan, feeling his arousal in his own body as he fucked him deeply, but slowly, exploring and stretching. "Just like that," Lelouch groaned, gripping the sheets on either side of him and closing his eyes as his erection oozed precum onto his belly. Suzaku inhaled sharply and leaned forward to lick it up. Lelouch's eyes flew open and he looked down at Suzaku, who just smiled and took hold of his erection with his free hand. Lelouch bit back a moan as Suzaku swirled his tongue around the tip and swallowed him as deep as he could before moving up and down, never stopping with his fingers. Lelouch cried out ecstatically, the pleasure almost overwhelming as the sensation held his entire body in a vice grip.

"Mm," Suzaku moaned, viscerally aware of how good he was making Lelouch feel and desperate to see how far he could push him, how loud he could make him moan, how hard he could make him-

"Suzaku! Suzaku, stop!" Suzaku obeyed at once, heart pounding and breathing hard through his open mouth, leaving Lelouch shuddering and gasping on the bed, his chest heaving and erection throbbing and expression contorted with pleasure.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" Lelouch heard the words, but it took him a minute to reply, his head spinning and body on fire. He reached blindly for Suzaku, unwinding a little when he felt him take his hand, and nodded. However, it still took another moment before he could actually speak.

"I'm, oh, I'm fine don't worry," he said, breathlessly. He swallowed and finally opened his eyes, blushing. "I was just getting close." Suzaku closed his eyes for a moment, beyond turned on and incredibly frustrated.

"You stopped me for that?" he asked, trying for playful but mostly sounding incredulous. Lelouch swallowed and his eyes sharpened.

"Yes," he said, with absolutely no room for argument. Suzaku's eyes widened but then Lelouch sat up and kissed him deeply on the lips. A shiver ran down Suzaku's spine and he kissed him back, completely distracted until Lelouch reached between them to take hold of his erection.

"Ah-"

"I told you what I want," Lelouch breathed, between kisses, and Suzaku replied with an excited, needy cry, recalling the tight, slippery heat around his fingers and longing to feel it around his erection. He kissed Lelouch one more time, then pulled away to look him in the eyes.

"Are you ready?" he asked, softly, squeezing his hand. Lelouch nodded, then gently cupped the side of his face.

"I love you, Suzaku." Suzaku shivered, his heart and erection both throbbing.

"I love you too, Lelouch." They exchanged one more kiss, then Lelouch lay back down while Suzaku reached for the condom on the bedside table and put it on. Lelouch watched, his inner walls throbbing with longing and heart fluttering with excitement and nerves. Suzaku's lip twitched, knowing Lelouch was watching as he opened the condom and slid it on, then picked up the lube again and coated his erection. "Ready?" he asked, just to be sure, and Lelouch placed his feet flat on the bed and gripped the sheets on either side of him.

"Yes," he said, with yet another excited little shiver. Suzaku took a deep breath in and sighed it out as he got into position, guiding his erection into place.

"Ready?" he asked, one more time, feeling Lelouch twitch against his tip.

"Yes."

"Stop me if it's too much."

"I will."

Lelouch took a deep breath in, and on his exhale Suzaku eased the tip of his erection inside him. Lelouch gasped sharply and closed his eyes, his body tensing, then relaxing again quickly, the sensation satisfying, exciting, wanting. He opened his eyes, and relaxed further when he saw Suzaku's face, his expression half needy, half concerned. "Okay," he whispered, and Suzaku pressed further inside, his entire body and heart attuned to Lelouch's every move and sound. Lelouch took another sharp breath in, but the sensation was less intense. "Okay," he whispered again. Suzaku took one last deep breath in, and on his exhale pushed all the way inside, then collapsed on top of Lelouch, his face buried in his neck, breathing hard and doing his utmost not to come into the tight, pulsing heat. Lelouch wrapped his shaking arms tight around him, feeling so full and connected and more in his body than he'd ever been in his life. He felt so aware of every breath, every heartbeat, every pulse and throb, his own and Suzaku's, and turned to kiss him softly on the cheek. Suzaku started, then kissed him on the lips, holding back until he was sure he wouldn't come on the spot, then opened his eyes. Lelouch looked beautiful, he was blushing and his lips were parted, his eyes were shining lustfully and his sweaty hair was a mess. He smiled. Suzaku looked perfect, his green eyes, bright against his flushed skin, his hair stuck to his face, his expression both loving and desirous.

"Are you okay?" Suzaku asked, quietly.

"Yes," Lelouch replied. He swallowed, then, "You can keep going." His inner walls throbbed excitedly when he said it, and Suzaku closed his eyes in a soft gasp, then forced them open, fighting to remain in control of himself.

"Okay." He shifted position, kissed Lelouch hard on the lips, drew his hips back, then thrust inside. Lelouch and Suzaku moaned into each others' mouths, surrendering completely to the sensation and connection. Lelouch wrapped his legs around Suzaku's waist and dug his heels into his lower back.

"Good?" asked Suzaku, still moving in and out slowly, gently.

"Yes…" Lelouch shifted under him, angling his pelvis differently as Suzaku pulled out, then moaned when he thrust back inside, his entire body seizing in pleasure. "Yes!" Suzaku felt the word like an electric charge and kept going, the new angle pulling him deeper inside.

"Like that?" he groaned, lowly, relishing Lelouch's pleasure.

"Yes!" Suzaku pulled out again, then thrust back inside. "Oh!" Lelouch's thighs shivered around his waist and he dug his fingernails into his upper back. Suzaku moaned and arched into the sensation. Lelouch's eyes widened and he pulled in tight around Suzaku, who let out a choked cry before falling into his neck again, kissing and biting his hot, flushed skin.

"Good?" he asked through gritted teeth.

"So good, ah-" Suzaku pulled out and thrust inside as deep as he could, then stayed there, straightened up and took hold of Lelouch's face. They stared into each other's eyes, then Suzaku moved his hips in a slow, teasing circle. Lelouch cried out hard, the sharp pleasure seizing his entire body in a vice grip. "Suzaku…!" He shuddered violently; Lelouch was squeezing him so tightly he was suddenly right at the edge again, and hearing his name spoken that way in his voice… He kept moving, fighting his pleasure as hard as he could. "Suzaku," Lelouch moaned desperately, and Suzaku bit back a hard cry, then,

"Let me go faster," he begged, and the words shocked every nerve of Lelouch's body.

"Go faster," he agreed, and Suzaku kissed him deeply on the lips, pulled out and thrust back inside, over and over, much faster now, but never losing that perfect angle. Lelouch moaned and gasped and cried out, his inner walls pulsing and erection oozing precum onto his belly. "Yes! Oh fuck! Harder!" Incensed, Suzaku obeyed, fucking Lelouch hard and deep, biting at his neck and moaning in his ear, pleasure building to bursting point inside him until he was right at the edge. He stopped abruptly, his erection throbbing hopefully, and straightened up. "Wh-why'd you stop?!" demanded Lelouch, desperately, glaring hazily up at him. Suzaku swallowed and held Lelouch's face in both hands.

"Are you close?" he asked, shakily. Lelouch shuddered and nodded in Suzaku's hands.

"Yes…" And as ever, saying it out loud seemed to make it all the more true. His inner walls throbbed and Suzaku's erection twitched inside him. Suzaku closed his eyes for a moment, then,

"Me too…" Lelouch took a deep breath in, then smiled up at him.

"Don't stop." Suzaku moaned and kissed him hard on lips, thrusting his tongue into his mouth and grinding his hips in that same, glorious circle. Lelouch gripped his upper back and squeezed him with trembling thighs, emotion swelling and crashing between them like a tidal wave. Then Suzaku pulled out of their kiss, though he kept his hands on Lelouch's face, and breathed,

"I won't stop." He drew his hips back, and Lelouch took a deep, shuddering breath, staring into his eyes, beautiful and lustful and commanding. "Say my name." Lelouch gasped and his toes curled, then,

"Suzaku…" He thrust back inside, hard and at exactly the right angle.

"Yes…"

"AH! Suzaku! Suzaku!"

"Fuck-" Suzaku kept moving, and Lelouch moaned his name over and over, and he finally let go of his face to take hold of his erection instead, pleasing him in hard strokes in time with his thrusts.

"Suzaku!" Lelouch screamed, his toes curling and entire body seizing up as pleasure built in a crescendo inside him. "Just like that! Just like that! Just like that!" Suzaku kissed Lelouch hard on the lips as he came, hard, all over his chest and belly. He shuddered and gasped as his mind blanked gloriously, leaving him floating on a soft sea of pleasure.

Suzaku paused, giving him a moment to come down, feeling him throb and squeeze around him, watching his expression twist in ecstasy, ecstasy he'd given him… His entire body shook as he knew another powerful swell of emotion and licked his hand clean. Eventually, Lelouch opened his eyes blearily, and Suzaku's heart leapt into his throat. "Are you-" he started to ask, desperately, but Lelouch just smiled, his eyes glazed over and mind still blank.

"Come inside me, Suzaku." Suzaku shuddered violently and his erection throbbed painfully. He moaned and fell forward to kiss Lelouch deeply on the lips, then pulled out and thrust back inside, over and over. Lelouch groaned into his mouth, every sensation magnified in the aftershock. "Give it to me," he moaned, between kisses, without thinking, his mind still gloriously blank. "Give it to me…"

"Ah!" Suzaku kept going until the pressure built inside him finally burst its bounds, rushing out of him in intense, pleasurable spasms, leaving him empty of everything but warm, satisfied space.

"Fuck… Lelouch…" he moaned, thrusting in and out until at last he was drained dry. He collapsed on top of him and buried his face in his neck. "I love you…" Lelouch held him close, his mind still blank, heart more open than he'd ever felt it before.

"I love you too…"

They stayed there a long time, basking in the connection, the emotion, the shared pleasure, until at last Suzaku straightened up and pulled out. Lelouch gave a little moan, missing him already. He watched Suzaku peel off the condom, tie if off and throw it out, then reached for him. Suzaku smiled and fell back into his arms at once, and they lay there, entangled with each other, feeling that for at least a little while, there were no words necessary.

Hours later, Suzaku awoke and stretched under the covers as much as he could with Lelouch wrapped around him, then opened his eyes blearily. Lelouch's room was very dark now, but streetlights and moonbeams fell gracefully across the bed, shining on his pale skin. Suzaku's heart swelled. He looked so at peace when he was sleeping, far more relaxed than he ever did when awake. He brushed a strand of hair off his face, then shifted slightly so he could check the time.

1:12 AM

After waking up from the first round, they'd gone again and again before falling asleep around midnight. For a split second, Suzaku thought about waking Lelouch up for more, but no, he was too deeply asleep, and, in any case, he was too spent anyway. Spent and thirsty.

He carefully disentangled himself from Lelouch, got out of bed and pulled on the gray sweatpants he'd brought with him, then headed quietly down the hall, rubbing his eyes and yawning, the city lights and silence so peaceful-

"Oh shit, what's up, leng zai?" Suzaku thought he was having a heart attack. He immediately snapped into a fighting stance, but then realized he had his fists raised at Mao, who was laughing so hard he was doubled over. "Oh fuck I'm so sorry!" he gasped, clutching his ribs. "I thought you saw me!"

"I can see you now," said Suzaku, rather crossly, placing a shaking hand on his chest and taking deep breaths, waiting for the adrenaline to drain from his body.

"My bad bro, for real," said Mao, thought he was still laughing. "Impressive though! You'd give my old hung gar teacher a run for his money!"

"Thanks, I guess," replied Suzaku, finally getting his wits about him. Only the light above the stove was on, and the kitchen was full of shadows and twinkling lights from the surrounding buildings and traffic on the Williamsburg Bridge. There was a pizza box on the counter, and the one missing slice sat on a plate beside it.

"Come get what you're here for, don't let me stop you," said Mao, opening a cabinet, taking out red pepper flakes and sprinkling them on the slice of pizza. As he turned to put the spice away, Suzaku read "I MISS COCAINE" splashed across the front of his shirt. He didn't move. Why was Mao even here? "I met up with CC after she finished with her client and we got drinks," he explained, as though reading Suzaku's mind. "Have some pizza if you want, it's good!" Suzaku hesitated, then gathered himself and crossed the kitchen to take a glass from the cabinet and fill it while Mao picked up his slice of pizza, folded it in half and bit into it.

"Where is CC?" he asked, drinking half the water in one gulp. Mao swallowed.

"In the shower scrubbing off the finance bro."

"Right…"

"I figure Lelouch is asleep?"

"Yes." Mao swallowed another bite of pizza and wiped his mouth with his fist.

"You blew his back out that good, huh?" Suzaku choked on his next sip of water, and Mao beamed. "Good for you! Good for all of us, truly; he's been way easier to deal with since you guys got together." Suzaku gasped and coughed and Mao continued, confidentially, "He didn't tell me nothing, I just guessed."

"Is that so?" Suzaku finally managed, before taking a successful sip of water.

"Oh fuck yeah. It's really sweet, actually," replied Mao, adding, "I promise I'm not being sarcastic!" when Suzaku made no reply. However, if Mao was being genuine, which Suzaku was pretty sure he was, he cautiously appreciated it. "So you guys are childhood friends, right? Lelouch has been real cagey."

"He can get like that," Suzaku replied, without meaning to, but then he and Mao shared a laugh.

"So what's the story?" Mao asked, biting into his pizza. Suzaku took another sip of water, then, figuring there was no harm in it now, told Mao how they'd met, become friends and stayed friends until,

"He cut me off after I got engaged, because…"

"Because he was in love with you?" Suzaku blushed and nodded.

"I don't blame him, but I wish he'd just told me." Mao nodded sympathetically.

"So you and your ex were like, actually engaged, not just 'I get to feel smug about calling someone my fiance' engaged." Suzaku blushed deeper and took a hasty sip of water. Mao's mouth twitched.

"Lelouch asked the same thing when I told him," replied Suzaku, "but no, we were serious and actually went through with it." It used to give him a deeply pleasurable feeling of superiority, and even now, he had an absurd note of pride in his voice.

"Tryna prove something?" asked Mao, biting into his pizza crust with a loud crunch. Suzaku's heart skipped and his eyes widened as he realized for the first time just how true that was. No one had ever asked him so plainly before.

"How did…?" Mao shrugged.

"Lucky guess. I figure it's probably the same with the ropes too." Suzaku stared disbelievingly at Mao and, before he realized what was happening,

"I caught my dad with another woman when I was a kid and it completely blew up our family, so I guess I wanted to do better than him, but I don't think I actually did, especially now…" His face burned and his stomach squirmed guiltily. He still hadn't told Euphy. Their texts had become far less frequent and they hadn't FaceTimed in three weeks. He looked up at Mao, mortified, but he just swallowed the last of his pizza crust. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to tell you all that, I-"

"It's cool," Mao cut across him, shrugging. "People tend to tell me shit."

"Really?" asked Suzaku, incredulously, despite what had just happened.

"Yeah. One of my uncles tried to recruit me for some Triad enforcer shit back in high school and another tried to get me on the NYPD as an interrogator or whatever." He grinned. "As you can see, I chose neither." Suzaku just stared at him, bewildered. A moment's silence passed. "Let's have a nightcap."

"What?"

"A nightcap," said Mao, picking up the electric kettle and filling it. "But also if you're feeling guilty about fucking Lelouch behind your wife's back, you should probably take it up with her. Not that you have to listen to me!" Mao added at the look on Suzaku's face, setting the kettle back in its cradle and turning it on. "I just picked up the woman I love from a fetish date pretending to be her boyfriend." Suzaku closed his eyes and shook his head, feeling like he'd gotten whiplash, but found his curiosity outweighed his defensiveness. Besides, it wasn't like Mao was wrong.

"The woman you-"

"Love, fuck yeah. Have you seen siu gong zyu? She's literally perfect."

"I mean CC's beautiful, that's true," agreed Suzaku, thinking of her dressed to the nines earlier.

"Right?" Mao smiled fondly as he took four mugs out of the cabinet and set them on the counter. "She also saved my ass back in high school too. Kept me from the family drama I was telling you about." What Mao had described sounded like a lot more than "family drama" to Suzaku, but he just watched him take a jar of honey from the cabinet and spoon some into each of the mugs, then asked,

"So wait, are you and CC together, or-"

"Oh fuck no," said Mao, smiling ruefully. "She doesn't feel the same about me, but that's for the best."

"Why?"

"Because straight up? I have a lot of fucking issues."

"Oh…"

"It's okay though, I obviously have the best friends in the world," Mao nodded courteously at Suzaku, "and I love them to death, even Lelouch's punk ass, and CC still tolerates me after all this time, so I've got more than enough." Mao took cinnamon sticks and cloves from the cabinet and added a few to each mug. He smiled at Suzaku, then clutched his chest, suddenly panic stricken. "Oh shit I didn't check if they have lemons!" He whirled around and yanked open the refrigerator. Suzaku flinched at the bright light, but kept his eyes on Mao's silhouette. "Never mind, we're good!" He whirled back around, holding up a lemon proudly, and kicked the refrigerator closed, plunging them back into semi-darkness. "You look confused," he said, rolling his prize against the counter.

"I am," Suzaku replied, bluntly. "I mean, doesn't that still hurt?"

"Yeah," replied Mao, simply, pulling a knife from the butcher's block beside the stove and slicing the lemon in half. "I dunno what any of this says about my self-respect or nothing, but like I told you, it's enough." He squeezed lemon juice into each mug, and its bright, refreshing smell filled the kitchen. Suzaku had a sudden flashback to Lelouch telling him it was worth keeping his feelings to himself because he was so sure he'd be rejected, and knew a rush of sympathy for Mao. However, he also wondered how CC felt about all of this, if what Mao said was true. "I dunno how the fuck Rivalz does it though, as much as I empathize. Boy is way more sensitive than me." Suzaku laughed, then immediately felt guilty and went to refill his glass of water. "You can laugh, it's okay!" said Mao, concilliatorily. "We all know he's in love with Milly, we're just trying to be nice about it." Suzaku understood this, of course, but hadn't he just spent months learning to speak plainly?

"Does Milly not feel the same way?" he asked.

"I dunno, that's not my business," said Mao, taking a bottle of whiskey out of the freezer. "We're all here for both of them regardless, though," he continued with the utmost sincerity, adding a generous measure of liquor to each mug.

"Right…" Mao grinned at Suzaku and returned the bottle to the freezer as the kettle began to boil.

"If you ate all my pizza- oh, what are you still doing up?" CC entered the room wearing slippers and one of Lelouch's button downs, her long hair tied up in a towel.

"Poor Suzaku just wanted water and now he's having Hot Toddies with us," Mao sighed, though he was still grinning. CC gave Suzaku a sympathetic clap on the shoulder as she passed him to take a slice of pizza for herself. It didn't occur to Suzaku to argue as Mao poured hot water into the mugs and stirred them.

"How was your night?" he asked CC. She rolled her eyes as she chewed her pizza, the back of her hand pressed to her mouth. However, before she could actually answer,

"Suzaku?!" All three of them turned towards Lelouch's room.

"I'm in the kitchen!" Suzaku called, and they exchanged a look as they heard Lelouch hurry down the hall. He came flying around the corner in his bathrobe, but then stopped dead, brow furrowing as he took in the scene before him.

"The fuck is this, a party at 2 AM?" he asked, agitatedly.

"Are you okay?" Suzaku asked, at the same time CC said,

"Calm down," and Mao said,

"Yes."

Lelouch closed his eyes and took a deep breath in, and Suzaku was at his side at once. He put his arm around Lelouch, who started, then looked up at him, his expression half annoyed, half fearful. "I'm sorry, I just got up to get water. I was gonna come right back, but-"

"It's my fault," said Mao, hanging his head theatrically.

"Shut up, Mao," snapped CC.

Lelouch closed his eyes again. He didn't want to do this in front of Mao and CC, but waking up alone in the middle of the night had terrified him. He buried his face in Suzaku's neck and wrapped his arms tight around him, taking deep breaths of his skin and his hair. "Hey, nakanaide," Suzaku told him, gently. "I'm here." He kissed him on the top of the head.

"Good," snapped Lelouch. Then, a little softer, "Nakanaide." He looked up at Suzaku, who kissed him on the lips.

"I'm sorry-"

"It's okay." His heart rate slowing, Lelouch turned to CC and Mao, his arms still tight around Suzaku. "So what is this, a party at 2 AM?"

"Apparently," replied CC.

"What's the occasion?" asked Lelouch, resentfully.

"Do we need one?" Mao countered, picking up a mug and handing it to him.

"No I suppose we don't," replied Lelouch, still resentfully. "What is this?"

"Don't worry about it."

"A Hot Toddy," said CC, impatiently. Lelouch unwrapped one arm from Suzaku to take the mug.

"Cool, I guess. Wait, what does your shirt say?"

"I miss cocaine. Fucked so hard you forgot how to read, bat guai?"

"The fuck are you talking about 'miss,' you were probably doing bumps on the train."

"I've never done bumps on the train!" Mao cried, outraged as he handed CC and Suzaku their mugs. A moment's silence passed, then his face cracked into a grin and everyone laughed. Even Lelouch. "Nah in all seriousness, since you were too busy getting laid I had to go pick CC up from her date, so I couldn't be fucked up."

"Jealous?" Lelouch asked. Mao looked Suzaku up and down.

"Maybe a little." He waggled his tongue obscenely and Lelouch toasted him and leaned his head against Suzaku's shoulder. Suzaku smiled and pulled him closer, and they both realized at the same time how much of a relief it was to be able to be affectionate in front of other people. "Cheers!" cried Mao, picking up his mug, and they all clinked their drinks together, blew on them and took tentative sips. Lelouch relaxed further in spite of himself. His mother used to make him Hot Toddies when he'd had colds growing up, though they obviously weren't this strong.

"This is nice," said Suzaku. He wasn't sure how he felt about Mao just yet, but smiled at him appreciatively anyway. Mao dusted off his shoulder with his mug free hand.

"Dor ze sai lo ban neung!" CC shook her head, her lip twitching.

"So really, how was your night?" Suzaku asked her, rubbing up and down Lelouch's back. She rolled her eyes and picked up her slice of pizza.

"The food was too fussy and this guy can barely hold a conversation. Thank god we had me spending his money to talk about or I'd have just left." She put on a sarcastic, high pitched voice. "This bottle of wine is $500, you'll order it for us, right?"

"I'm not judging, but that's bizarre," said Suzaku, and CC toasted him with her Hot Toddy.

"This is what you signed up for, I'm afraid," she replied, her lip twitching again, but Suzaku just kissed Lelouch on the top of the head as everyone shared a laugh.

"Was the wine good?" asked Lelouch. CC stared up at the ceiling thoughtfully.

"Yeah I guess."

The conversation flowed easily as they finished their pizza and drinks, Lelouch and Suzaku never letting go of each other until they bid Mao and CC good night and returned to his room.

They didn't speak as they undressed and got back into bed, but once they were under the covers, Suzaku pulled Lelouch close again. "Are you okay? Seriously…" Lelouch swallowed and stared into his face through the darkness.

"Yeah I'm okay now," he said, and, remembering their promise, "it just scared me, waking up and you weren't there." Suzaku's throat burned, and he kissed Lelouch on the lips.

"I'm so sorry," he breathed, and he meant it. "I promise I was gonna come right back, I just-"

"I know, you didn't expect my ridiculous friends to be hanging around," Lelouch assured him.

"Still," Suzaku pressed on, "I didn't mean to scare you, and I wouldn't ever leave you like that, I promise."

"I know," replied Lelouch, his heart swelling. Then, the drink having him just disinhibited enough, "I guess we're even, then." Suzaku rolled his eyes and kissed him on the lips.

"Shut up."

"Make me." Suzaku rolled Lelouch onto his back and stared him hard in the face. Lelouch took a sharp breath in, but smiled, and Suzaku kissed him passionately on the lips.

Chapter Text

Lelouch made sure his phone was on airplane mode, then set it on The Dungeon's kitchen counter, his heart beating rather fast. It was his first time seeing this client since the Masquerade, and he was sure he'd get an earful about her best friend's wedding. Not that he couldn't handle it, but he wondered what he'd find out.

There was a knock at the door, and Lelouch strode through The Dungeon to open it, revealing his client looking tired, but determined, the light spring rain that had been falling all day sparkling in her long dark hair. "Come in," he told her, imperiously, and her mouth twitched as she stepped over the threshold. "How are you?" he asked, in his work voice, shutting the door behind her and plunging them into flickering semidarkness.

"I'm all right, but…" She looked into his face and tucked a strand of hair nervously behind her ear.

"What's wrong, are you all right?" Lelouch asked, still in his work voice, though genuine concern seeped through.

"Yes, but um, I need to talk to you."

"I see," said Lelouch, more concerned than ever. "Do you want tea?" She smiled.

"Yes please." She set down her things, took off her coat and shoes and followed Lelouch into the kitchen where he put the kettle on, then added tea leaves to an infuser and placed it in a mug. His client leaned against the wall with her hands clasped in front of her. Lelouch faced her, and realized again just how tired she looked in the soft purple light. His stomach squirmed anxiously, but he did his best to ignore it. A moment's silence passed, then she took a deep breath. "My husband found out." Lelouch fought to keep his face impassive, but his stomach clenched.

"What happened?" However, his client smiled ruefully.

"I told him." Lelouch's eyes widened.

"You did?" His client nodded.

"I did. The day after my best friend's wedding."

"Interesting timing…" She laughed rather sadly.

"Well at the wedding I… had kind of a meltdown, but it gave me a lot of clarity." She blushed, but Lelouch nodded understandingly, thinking of when he'd confessed to Suzaku.

"It happens. Were you okay?"

"No," she replied, rather bluntly. Lelouch smiled encouragingly, though he was still wary of what he was about to find out. The kettle began to boil, and he poured the hot water over the tea leaves, then set a timer on his phone as the warm, toasty smell filled the room.

"So what happened?" he asked, unable to keep the anxiety out of his voice. His client bit her lip, but then,

"I gave my maid of honor speech, and it went over really well, like, I got a standing ovation and my best friend was thrilled, but the whole time I could feel it coming so I ran and hid in the bathroom the second I could get away." Lelouch replied with a sympathetic noise, thinking of Shirley's wedding. His client cleared her throat. "I hadn't cried that hard in years, not even with you," she continued, in a constricted voice, "but it felt really good, you know?" Lelouch nodded. "And I realized after that… how much of my anger was misplaced." The timer on Lelouch's phone went off and he finished making her tea while she wiped her tears away with her fingers.

"Come sit down," said Lelouch, gently, picking up the mug and guiding her back to The Dungeon to sit on the black leather couch. She took the mug from him and stared into it. Lelouch gave her a moment in the flickering lights of the electric candles then, "Sorry, go on? Your anger was misplaced?" She nodded, blew on her tea and took a tentative sip.

"I thought I was angry at my husband for not giving me what I wanted, but really I was angry at myself for letting it get to the point where I was acting out rather than just…"

"Saying what you needed?" offered Lelouch, his stomach twisting uncomfortably. His client nodded.

"My best friend getting married felt like such a slap in the face, because I'd done everything right while she'd done nothing right but here she was happy and I…" Her voice broke and she took another sip of tea. "I was jealous, which is so irrational, but here we are." She sniffed and wiped her eyes. "I could have lived my life on my terms, but I was a coward, and that's no one's fault but mine, right?" Lelouch said nothing. "I realized I'd been punishing my husband for my own decisions, and that just wasn't fair." Lelouch nodded, admiring her bravery and discernment. "So the next day, I told him."

"How'd that go?" he asked, in just above a whisper. She smiled sadly again.

"Not great. He was so hurt, and I…" She shook her head, her long hair swaying about her face. "I asked him what he wanted to do, and he said he wanted to try and work things out." Her eyes filled with more tears, but she wiped them away and stared into Lelouch's face.

"And how are you feeling about that?" She sighed.

"We started doing counseling, and it's been really great so far," she said, her eyes shining in the semidarkness.

"That's great!" said Lelouch, his stomach finally untwisting. Zero wouldn't have considered this his problem, but Lelouch couldn't help but feel responsible, and he suddenly realized his mask had been off this entire conversation. However, it didn't bother or concern him, not at all, and he continued to be with her as Lelouch. "I was worried when I saw you at the Masquerade."

"That was a bad night," she told him, sipping tea. "He said he was okay with me going, but I didn't believe him, and we ended up in a huge argument over it."

"Fuck," sighed Lelouch, thinking of his and Suzaku's conversation in his kitchen after their second session. His client nodded.

"That's why I haven't seen you since then, we were trying to negotiate all that."

"Right…" His client nodded again and took a determined sip of tea.

"We've come a long way since then, though, and," she managed the first real smile she'd worn since she'd arrived, "and I think he's going to come to the Excursion with me."

"What?" asked Lelouch, genuinely astonished, but his client nodded eagerly.

"I made it very clear I'm not giving this up, so he's going to come see it for himself, and if he's not into it, then…" She took a sip of tea rather than say it, but Lelouch couldn't blame her.

"I'm glad you were able to finally get this all out in the open," he said, and he meant it. His client nodded.

"I hated lying to him, even though I didn't feel bad about it. Does that make sense?"

"Deceiving people is hard, even when you're good at it," said Lelouch. His client tilted her head to the side.

"Are you good at deceiving people, Zero?" Lelouch laughed, he couldn't help it.

"Not as good as I thought I was." His client raised her eyebrows.

"What does that mean?" Lelouch hesitated. Up until recently, he'd have just replied with a clever comeback in his most charismatic work tone, but as he stared into her face, he knew that wasn't enough. He was already there as Lelouch, not Zero, or maybe, as Lelouch and Zero.

"Remember I told you before that I'm the perpetually single person in my group of friends?" His client nodded. "Well, that's not just because of my job, I-" and he told her about Suzaku. She listened with rapt attention, nodding and making sympathetic noises, and Lelouch found he didn't feel exposed. It wasn't a shameful admission, just a relatable anecdote.

"I'm really happy for you," she told him, when he'd finished, and her obvious sincerity was almost overwhelming. However, all he said was,

"Thank you." She smiled warmly. They spoke about the Excursion while she finished her tea, then she set the mug down, saying she needed to get going. Lelouch nodded, stood up and helped her to her feet. She giggled.

"I'll still pay you for the session today, but I don't want to book anything else right now," she said, straightening her clothes.

"Don't worry about it," said Lelouch, but she held up her hand.

"No, this is still time you could have spent with someone else, I don't take that for granted." Lelouch couldn't argue with that, so he didn't. She smiled. "I'll see you at the Excursion."

"You will." Lelouch walked her back to the door, and she put on her coat, stepped into her shoes and gathered her things. "Text me if you need anything in the meantime."

"I will. Thank you, Zero."

"Any time." He opened the door, and his client smiled and departed, waving at him over her shoulder as she headed down the hall. Lelouch watched her go, then closed the door, waiting for the session to drain away… but then found he didn't need to. It seemed he really could be Lelouch and Zero, and it made him feel… was it pleased? Satisfied? Proud?

Letting it simmer, he walked over to the couch, picked up his client's mug and carried it to the kitchen. Before washing it, he switched his phone off airplane mode, bringing on a landslide of notifications. He rolled his eyes at all of them except the missed call from Nunnally, which he returned at once.

"Hello?" Lelouch smiled at her sweet voice.

"Hey, sorry I missed your call, I was with a client."

"Oh that's all right, I figured." His smile widened.

"So what's up? Did you need something or did you just wanna catch up?"

"Just catch up!"

"Cool." Lelouch put her on speaker, then set his phone on the counter. "Don't mind the noise, I'm just cleaning up."

"No worries! So how are you?"

"I'm actually doing really well," Lelouch told her, blushing.

"Are you?"

"Yes, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but Kallen's mother is finally doing in-patient rehab."

"Oh my god, that's amazing! Tell her I said congratulations!"

"I'll do you one better," said Lelouch, washing out the mug and setting it on the draining board. "She and her father are in counseling to work on their issues; he really stepped up."

"Wow, seriously?"

"Seriously! He owned all his shit and apologized and everything."

"Oh isn't that the dream?" Nunally sighed.

"It is." Lelouch emptied the infuser and washed it out.

"I know you're happy for her," Nunnally continued, a little cautiously now, "but does it also hurt?"

"Get out of my head," Lelouch snapped, playfully. Nunnally laughed. "I mean, of course it does, but I grieved that loss a long time ago. I don't need or want anything from Charles ever again."

"I know," said Nunnally, sadly. Lelouch's throat constricted, but he cleared it and placed the infuser beside the mug.

"I'm sorry you got caught between the two of us, that was a terrible position to put you in." He'd told her this before, obviously, but it was always worth repeating.

"Thank you, but you didn't put me in that position, our father did." She'd told him that before too, but he could tell she was smiling. "What else is going on? I feel like you're stalling." Lelouch flushed. He should have known to expect this, but it still caught him off guard.

"All right, maybe a little." He picked up his phone, carried it out to The Dungeon and began to pace up and down. "I definitely should have told you this sooner too, and I'm sorry, things have been crazy-"

"What happened, Lelouch?" Nunnally asked, firmly but sweetly. Lelouch flushed deeper and continued to pace up and down the black room lined with fetish equipment, and almost laughed at the contradiction, at being Lelouch and Zero, at what his seventeen year old self would have thought of all of this. He gathered his courage.

"Suzaku and I are seeing each other now." He stopped his pacing, closed his eyes, and braced for impact, then jumped at his little sister's shriek of excitement.

"FINALLY!" Lelouch's eyes flew open and he glared, outraged, at his phone.

"What do you mean, finally?!" he demanded, gesturing wildly with his free hand despite no one being there to witness the drama.

"Lelouch, I may be blind, but I'm not that blind." Lelouch let out an indignant sputter and resumed his pacing while Nunnally just giggled. "So how did it finally happen? Tell me everything!" Lelouch shook his head despairingly, then told her the whole story, obviously leaving out the more explicit parts. "Ah! I'm so happy for you guys!" she cried, when he'd finished.

"Thank you," Lelouch replied, his heart warm in his chest to hear it twice in one day, and doubly so from his little sister.

"So is he going to stay in New York with you?" Nunnally asked, eagerly. As it always did when this came up, Lelouch's stomach squirmed anxiously.

"I… we're not sure, but we'll make it work regardless."

"Good," said Nunnally, firmly. "And um… What about his ex wife?" Lelouch swallowed, thinking of Shirley, of his client.

"I don't know, but I trust Suzaku to not be a scumbag."

"That's fair." Lelouch's stomach twisted anxiously again, but then Nunnaly continued, "I guess this means I'll have to come out and visit!" Lelouch's heart swelled, quelling his stomach's anxious twisting.

"I'd love that. So would all our friends."

"Our friends?" asked Nunnally, playfully, and Lelouch rolled his eyes, but his smile widened.

"Our friends."

"Suzaku, do you have a minute?" Cecille asked, smiling kindly, while the meeting wrapped up around them.

"Yes of course," Suzaku replied, smiling back at her.

"This won't take long, but let's go to Lloyd's office." Suzaku's smile vanished. He'd been sure she'd just wanted to fine tune points he'd brought up in the meeting, but they could just do that here.

"You aren't in trouble, don't worry," Cecille told him quietly. However, Suzaku wasn't reassured at all.

"Right, okay," he said, trying to stay calm even though his insides writhed. He gathered his things together and followed Cecille out of the boardroom, trying to gauge her demeanor, figure out what was coming. Could this be the meeting he'd been both hoping for a dreading?

The door to Lloyd's corner office was open, and he waved from behind his desk when they entered. "Suzaku!" he trilled. "Come in and sit down!" Cecille shut the door, then she and Suzaku took the seats in front of Lloyd's desk. "There's no need to look so worried!" Lloyd continued, winking and leaning forward. "Cecille and I have just been wondering what your plans are after your contract is up." Suzaku's heart stopped in his chest and his stomach disappeared. So this was the meeting. He tried to stay composed, but anxiety over what was to come flooded his brain, and he took a shuddering breath in. However, before he could actually reply,

"What Lloyd is trying to say," Cecille cut in impatiently, "is that we've been very impressed with all you've done so far and you work well with the rest of our team, so if you'd like a full time position, we'd love to bring you on board." Suzaku heard the words clearly, but was having terrible trouble actually understanding them. He exhaled slowly, his heart still frozen in his chest.

"Exactly this!" exclaimed Lloyd, clapping his hands together.

"You don't have to decide right away," Cecille continued, smiling warmly at Suzaku, "but-"

"When would I need to give you my answer?" Suzaku asked, his heart starting to beat again as the words finally resonated. Indeed, it was now racing. Cecille looked at Lloyd, who made a show of squinting and scratching his chin thoughtfully.

"What's today, the third? We'll say May 1st? Then we can agree on your start date."

"Lloyd, don't pressure-"

"No that's perfect, thank you," said Suzaku, clasping his hands together to keep them from shaking. His heart was now beating so fast it was enough to make him dizzy. He wanted more than anything to cry "YES!" and sign all the paperwork right then and there, but hadn't making life altering decisions without any thought for other people gotten him into trouble before? He almost burst out laughing, but managed to just clear his throat. "This sounds like an incredible opportunity and I'll more than likely say yes, but I'll need to make some arrangements first."

"We figured that'd be the case," Cecille replied, nodding, and Suzaku gave her a wide, genuine smile.

"I really appreciate this," he said, and fuck if that wasn't true. "I'll give you my answer as soon as I can, but I'll more than likely accept!"

"Excellent!" cried Lloyd, clapping his hands together before reaching across his desk to wring Suzaku's hand.

"This is great news," Cecille agreed, shaking Suzaku's hand too. "We'll let you get back to work now."

"Thank you," said Suzaku, nodding and smiling at his bosses one more time before leaving the office to return to his workspace, his heart full to burst with excitement. Despite his assurance that he and Lelouch would find a way to make things work regardless of what happened with his job, it was such a relief to have the simplest way right in front of him, well lit and clear…

He found Gino and Anya waiting for him at his computer and smiled, figuring they wanted to get drinks or dinner after work, but, "So you accepted the offer, right?" Gino asked without preamble, beaming. Anya rolled her eyes, though she looked as pleased as she ever did.

"How did you two know about that already?" asked Suzaku, genuinely astonished. They exchanged a look.

"We just assumed," said Anya.

"But what did you say?" Gino demanded. Suzaku couldn't help but laugh. The last month he'd followed through on his promise to be more receptive to Gino and Anya, and spending time with them had been wonderful. He'd gotten to know them outside of work, and sometimes their other colleagues joined them, and now he had stories of his own to tell Lelouch and their friends when they hung out.

"Well there's some things I need to take care of first," said Suzaku slowly, his smile widening as he watched them both inhale sharply, "but I'll most likely take the offer." Gino punched the air, then extended his hand to Suzaku, who took it, then cried out in surprise when he pulled him closer and clapped him hard on the back. Anya smiled the widest he'd ever seen her and said,

"That's wonderful."

"Congratulations!" Gino crowed, letting go of Suzaku. "We've gotta celebrate!"

"How convenient, another excuse to drink on the company's dime," said Anya, and Gino and Suzaku laughed.

"So? I've never seen you refuse!"

"That's not the point…" Suzaku smiled, but even as opportunities exploded in his mind and heart like fireworks,

"Let's not make any plans until I've officially accepted the offer!"

"All right fine, kill my buzz," Gino groaned, though he was still grinning. "Congratulations though, seriously!"

"Thank you," said Suzaku, and he meant it. Gino and Anya smiled, then departed. Suzaku took a deep breath in and sighed it out. His office, which had always seemed rather gray, was now shimmering in the spring light pouring in through the windows. His heart swelled again and he dug his phone out of his pocket, intending to text Lelouch immediately, but then paused. This was definitely an in person conversation, if only so he could see Lelouch's reaction. He imagined him falling into his arms, kissing him hard on the lips, telling him how excited he was- but again, he slowed himself down. Confident as he was, they had to discuss it first. However, this didn't dampen his enthusiasm at all. He and Lelouch had plans on Saturday, he could let his good news simmer until then.

Suzaku finished his work day, texting Lelouch about everything else the whole time, then went to the gym and, after stopping at his bodega to say hi to the tortoiseshell cat, returned to his apartment. He'd left the windows open despite the rain to allow fresh air to circulate, and his living room and kitchen also seemed much less beige than usual. As he stepped out of his shoes, he wondered if he'd move back into this apartment when he started at ASEEC full time, or would he need to find a place? What would he be able to afford? Would Lelouch want to live together or was that too much too fast?

He flushed with excitement even as he reminded himself yet again to take it easy. He took a shower, then made dinner and brought it over to his coffee table, feeling his phone go off in his pocket as he sat down. Figuring it was another text from Lelouch, he smiled and checked it, but then his eyes widened at Euphy's name. Just like earlier, his heart froze in his chest. In all his excitement over telling Lelouch, he'd completely forgotten he'd obviously have to discuss his job offer with Euphy too. Indeed, he had to discuss a lot with her.

He opened the message. It was just a picture of Arthur sleeping on the kitchen table in a weird twist. Suzaku's heart began to beat again and his throat constricted. He knew that taking this job and committing to Lelouch and moving here would mean giving up his old life in Tokyo with Euphy. He knew that that had been his plan all along even if he hadn't admitted it to himself, but it was only now, staring at the photo of their cat, that he felt any grief for what he'd be losing. Heart suddenly pounding and hands shaking, he FaceTimed Euphy.

She picked up on the first ring, and Suzaku's throat burned as her face came into focus. It had been so long since he'd seen her, but she looked as beautiful as ever, her long hair tied up in a ponytail.

"Hey," she said, smiling and tilting her head to the side. Suzaku tried to say "hey" back, but his throat was burning too badly. He cleared it.

"Hi," he managed, though his voice was rather constricted. Euphy's eyes widened.

"What's wrong, are you okay?" It was morning in Tokyo, and the soft light illuminated her face flatteringly. The corners of Suzaku's eyes burned, but he blinked and cleared his throat again.

"I'm fine, don't worry," he told her. Looking through the phone screen was like looking into a window into his former life: Euphy at their kitchen table with a cup of coffee, their cat asleep beside her. At one point in time, it had been an idyllic picture, but now it just didn't fit. He gathered his courage. "I've been doing great, actually."

"That's good!" Euphy replied, beaming at him through the phone screen. "Still going to those parties?" Suzaku flushed, but his resolve deepened.

"I've got one coming up."

"I remember you told me."

"Mm." Suzaku swallowed. "I need to tell you something."

"Oh? What's that?" It was as if the sun were beginning to set outside the window of his former life, and again, he gathered his courage.

"I got offered a full time position at ASEEC today." Euphy gasped and clapped her hand to her mouth.

"Congratulations, that's wonderful!" Suzaku smiled against a fresh effusion of grief. What had he ever done to deserve her? What gave him the right to hurt her this way?

"Thank you," he replied, guiltily.

"Are you going to take it?" Suzaku swallowed again.

"I want to, but obviously I needed to discuss it with you and Lelouch first." Something stiffened in Euphy's face, and Suzaku's stomach clenched guiltily.

"I see," she said, after a moment. She took a sip of coffee. "Well I appreciate you wanting to talk to me before making any decisions, but, why Lelouch?" Her eyes flashed, and Suzaku knew she just wanted to hear him say it. He couldn't blame her, though; she'd been saying everything so far, it was the least he could do. The sun was now low in the sky on his former life. He took a deep breath in, gathering what remained of his courage and praying, selfishly, that she wouldn't hate him for it.

"Because Lelouch and I are seeing each other now." Even though he was terrified of Euphy's reaction, he didn't look away. However, although he'd spent so many years attuned to her every micro expression, now her face was unreadable. His stomach clenched and his heart raced, and he wondered for maybe a nanosecond what he'd just done, but when Euphy spoke, her voice was steady.

"I thought it might be something like that." Suzaku's grip on his phone, which had been so tight his knuckles were white, suddenly slackened, and he dropped it.

"Oh my god…"

"Suzaku?"

"Sorry!" He scrambled to pick it up, then stared dumbstruck into the screen. "Sorry, I dropped my phone! You thought what?" Euphy smiled sadly and tilted her head to the side.

"I thought it might be something like that," she repeated.

"Seriously?"

"Oh come on," said Euphy, somehow not sounding impatient. "I knew the moment you told me your new job was in New York that you were going to try and find Lelouch."

"That didn't mean I had feelings for him!" Suzaku protested, pathetically. Euphy sighed heavily.

"Suzaku, if my best friend married someone else I wouldn't stop speaking to them with no explanation. I always knew he was in love with you and always wondered-" she cleared her throat, and when she continued, her voice shook a little. "I just wish you'd been honest with me." Suzaku's eyes burned again and he looked away from the screen, shame prickling at the back of his neck. He heard Euphy sniff, and his throat constricted painfully.

"I'm sorry," he told his knees. He blinked, then forced himself to face her. "I'm sorry," he said again, and he meant it with all his heart. "I wish I'd been honest with you too, but I wasn't even honest with myself about it, or I didn't recognize the feelings for what they were, or-" He began to cry and wiped his eyes with his knuckles. "It doesn't matter why and I have no excuse. I'm sorry for lying to you and putting you in this position, but I meant everything I said in our vows and I meant it every time I said I love you. You were so much more than I deserved and I did my best, but…" He rubbed his eyes with his knuckles.

"Thank you," said Euphy quietly, after a moment, carefully pressing a tear out of the corner of her eye.

"And I realize now you were right to ask for the separation, and I'm sorry I was so difficult about it all." Euphy pressed another tear away. "I'm sorry I couldn't give you what you needed, but I promise I did my best, I-"

"It's all right," Euphy interrupted, shakily. "I appreciate all that Suzaku, I do, but I've made my peace. We did the best that we could with the tools that we had, but it wasn't enough and that's neither of our faults." Suzaku appreciated this, but he pressed on, needing her to understand.

"No. I rushed us into getting married because I wanted to prove myself. I wanted to be different from my father and do things right, and that was so unfair to you, and I'm sorry-" his voice broke, and he began to cry again. "I didn't mean to use you, or waste your time, or-"

"You didn't!" Euphy assured him, more tears sparkling in her eyes. "I loved you, Suzaku, I still do, and I wouldn't take back our years together for anything!"

"You mean that?" Suzaku asked, shakily, feeling this was much more than he deserved.

"With all my heart." Euphy blinked, and the tears slid down her face.

"I feel the same way," he told her, from the bottom of his heart. "I'll always feel that way." Euphy smiled through her tears.

"So, we're okay to move forward with divorce, then," she said. Suzaku sniffed and wiped his eyes with his fist.

"Yes." They stared at each other through the phone screen, through youth and love, pain and denial, withholding and honesty, and the last rays of light on their former life caught her eye. "If this is too much to ask I understand, but I hope we can stay in each other's lives." In the background, Arthur stretched and rolled over to stand up, then bumped his head against Euphy's chin and tried to drink her coffee.

"No, Arthur," she reproached, smiling and wiping her eyes again before facing Suzaku. "I'd like that," she said, and Suzaku smiled, again feeling it was much more than he deserved.

"Me too." Euphy picked up Arthur and put him in her lap, where he curled up and purred contentedly.

"So how did it finally happen?" Suzaku replied with a noise somewhere between a moan and a sob, then explained how all the tension between himself and Lelouch had come to a head, how Lelouch had confessed and Suzaku had realized his own feelings, how spending time around Lelouch's friends had made it clear just how isolated he'd been for so long, how he'd had to step up and actually deal with his past and insecurities. It was painful, but by the end of the story, they were both laughing. "I'm really glad to hear all of this," Euphy said, with the utmost sincerity, and Suzaku wondered yet again what he'd done to deserve her.

"I'm sorry I couldn't do all that when we were together," he told her, but she just shook her head.

"It's all right." Suzaku smiled.

"Are you still seeing your coworker?" he asked, and Euphy looked surprised, but gratified.

"Yes, but I'm thinking of ending it." Then, before Suzaku could look too sad for her, "I want to be on my own for a while, get to know myself, you know?"

"That makes sense," said Suzaku, both because it did and because he'd support her no matter what. "Can I ask you something, then?"

"Of course."

"Do you think it's a mistake? Starting something with Lelouch right away? We agreed to take it slow, but…" He'd had no intention whatsoever of asking this, but was suddenly desperate for Euphy's opinion. Besides Lelouch, she knew him best, after all. She thought for a moment, then shook her head.

"Not at all," she said, firmly, sipping coffee. "It's a different situation and, this isn't a criticism, but I get the impression you and Lelouch can't wait or take things slowly even if you try." Suzaku burst out laughing even as he went very red.

"You're right," he told her, and she giggled. "Regardless of what happens with Lelouch, though, I meant what I said about staying in each other's lives. I don't want to lose you." Euphy smiled, and the first light of dawn on their next chapter seemed to glow all around her.

"We'll stay in each other's lives, I promise."

Chapter Text

almost there!

good!

Lelouch smiled, shifted his overnight bag to his other shoulder and turned right on 59th Street. It was the first really nice day of the year and people were out in droves, buying food from carts and art from stands, meeting up with friends and corralling their families in several languages. Behind them, Central Park bloomed in the fresh sunlight, and Lelouch's smile widened as he recalled walking through it with his mother while she pushed Nunnally in her wheelchair, pulling down lilac and magnolia branches so she could smell the blossoms.

He continued East to Fifth Avenue, narrowing his eyes at a set of cops harassing a homeless person asleep on a bench, but then spotted Suzaku waiting for him on the corner. Suzaku caught his eye and waved, and Lelouch took off his headphones, tucked them into his bag and rushed around a crowd of people into his arms.

"Hey," Suzaku breathed, squeezing him tightly and kissing him on the cheek.

"Give me a kiss on the lips, what's wrong with you?" Suzaku snorted, then obeyed. "Did you get what you needed from your office?"

"Yes." He let go of Lelouch, who smiled warmly at him, and it took everything in his power to not blurt out his good news. He took a deep breath in through his nose, then smiled back. "Um, since it's so nice out, do you mind if we walk for a bit?" Lelouch took his hand.

"I figured that was the plan."

"So clever…" They headed past the train station and into Central Park, the sunlight dappled on the path ahead of them. Lelouch smiled reminiscently.

"I once ran-"

"You ran?" Suzaku interrupted, before he could stop himself.

"Well it was from the cops," said Lelouch, reasonably, and Suzaku burst out laughing.

"Of course it was, but why?!" They walked around the edge of The Pond, which was full of ducks and surrounded by families.

"It was during a protest," said Lelouch, still smiling reminiscently. "We were walking up Sixth Avenue and saw the cops had set up a barricade on 57th Street and I wasn't trying to get arrested, so we ran through that F train station and came out on the other side of it."

"Did you keep going after that?"

"Of course, we booked it to Fifth to meet up with another group, but," he put on a sarcastically wistful tone, "I always think of that when I'm here." Suzaku laughed and rubbed the back of his hand with his thumb. It was getting more difficult not to spill with each step, but he wanted to wait for the right moment, so instead he asked,

"How was your morning?" Lelouch stared sideways at Suzaku. He had a feeling something was off, but didn't want to work himself up if he didn't have to.

"Fine. CC, Kallen and I just took care of renting the van for the Excursion," he replied. "Kallen's usually on it since she's the only one with a driver's license, but with everything going on with her family we didn't want to bother her about it until the deadline got tight."

"That makes sense, but what do you need a van for?" asked Suzaku.

"You think we'd bring the fucking Saint Andrew's Cross on the LIRR?" Lelouch asked, incredulously, and Suzaku laughed as he imagined it. "Exactly."

"Is everything ready, then? For the Excursion?" Lelouch sighed heavily.

"Basically, but there's always some bullshit that comes up last minute."

"I'm sure," replied Suzaku, sympathetically. "It sounds like a lot to organize."

"That's because it is," said Lelouch, appreciatively. "It's nothing we can't handle, but still."

"If it helps, I'm really excited about it," said Suzaku, rubbing Lelouch's hand with his thumb again. Lelouch smiled. Since talking to his client on Wednesday, he'd felt much more confident about being Lelouch and Zero, about tying for Suzaku as a real, sexual thing. Of course, they still needed to discuss it, but out on such a beautiful day with so many people around wasn't the moment, so he just said,

"Me too."

They reached Bethesda Terrace and walked past a woman singing opera, then around the huge fountain in front of The Lake. Suzaku eyed the couples competing for space to take engagement photos with a weird mix of sadness and excitement as they headed through the crowds and turned onto a winding footpath lined with benches. It was quieter, but they could still see the fountain, hear the opera singer and smell the lakewater. Perfect. "Do you mind if we stop for a second?" Suzaku asked.

"Not at all." They sat down at the nearest empty bench, still holding hands, and Lelouch leaned his head on Suzaku's shoulder. He could still feel something was off and was still trying not to worry as sparrows, pigeons and squirrels approached them for crumbs. Suzaku smiled fondly at them, kissed Lelouch on the top of the head, then, trying to contain his excitement,

"So I have something to tell you."

"Oh god," Lelouch replied, trying to sound sarcastic even as his blood ran cold. He straightened up to look Suzaku in the face, his heart racing. "What happened?" he asked, very seriously. Taken aback by the look on Lelouch's face, Suzaku brought their clasped hands to his mouth and kissed his knuckles, but it did nothing to assuage his anxiety.

"Remember I told you ASEEC was talking about hiring me once my contract is up?" Suzaku asked, feeling rather like he had done when he'd proposed to Euphy. Lelouch's chest constricted around his racing heart. Of course he remembered; he'd been both hoping for and dreading this conversation since they'd confessed their feelings, and now here it was, ready to bloom like one of the flowering trees all around them. Or explode like a nuke.

"Yes," he replied, doing his utmost not to sound as terrified as he felt. Suzaku's heart began to race as he took another deep breath in.

"Well, on Wednesday I got the offer." Lelouch took a shuddering breath in and his eyes widened, making him look almost childlike for a moment. Suzaku's heart swelled in his chest as he felt Lelouch squeeze his hand.

"You mean they've officially asked you? You got the job?" He hadn't meant to whisper, but his heart had leapt into his throat, constricting his voice. Suzaku rubbed the back of his hand with his thumb yet again.

"They've officially asked me. The position's mine if I want it, so-"

"What do you mean 'if you want it?!'" Lelouch interrupted, suddenly at a much higher volume, startling the pigeons, squirrels and sparrows. "You do want it, right?!"

"Easy, easy," soothed Suzaku, kissing Lelouch's knuckles. "Of course I want it!"

"So what-"

"I told my bosses I'd most likely accept, I just needed to take care of some things first, which I assume you know means talking to you about it rather than making a unilateral decision." Lelouch closed his eyes for a moment, too wound up to appreciate this gesture, then glared at Suzaku.

"So you're going to take the offer, right?"

"Yes! If it's okay with you…" Lelouch cried out in frustration, seized Suzaku by the face and pulled him into a deep, passionate kiss. Suzaku felt his rush of relief and excitement in his own body and kissed him back, but then he pulled away, still holding his face and staring him hard in the eyes.

"Of course it's okay with me, the fuck are you talking about?!"

"Nakanaide," said Suzaku, and Lelouch let go of him and sank back against the bench, breathing hard and trying to get his heart rate under control, but his relief at the news was almost overwhelming. Suzaku took his hand again. Obviously he was thrilled at his reaction, but now came the difficult part. "I will have to go back to Tokyo before I start though." Lelouch sat up as the relief and excitement that had flooded his chest suddenly chilled.

"Why?" he asked, though he was pretty sure he knew the answer.

"I need to actually get divorced," replied Suzaku, going slightly pink. "I told Euphy about my job and… and about us." Lelouch nodded and bit down on the inside of his lip.

"I see… Was she hurt?" he asked, quietly. Suzaku's eyes widened in gratified surprise.

"I mean of course," he replied, sadly, "but she was also very understanding." He smiled admiringly and looked up at the sky, then at Lelouch. "We had a long talk about everything, and she told me she always suspected why you cut me off and, and how I felt about you. She was so good about it, though, and I think we'll be able to stay friends, which means the world to me." Lelouch nodded, applauding her grace at such a difficult situation.

"She sounds like an amazing person," he said, still quietly. Suzaku's chest swelled.

"She is, and," he hesitated, "if you're ever up for it, I'd really like you two to meet." His heart sped up anxiously, but Lelouch nodded encouragingly.

"I think that'd be good." Suzaku's whole aspect lit up and Lelouch kissed him on the lips.

"Nunnally wasn't surprised either, when I told her."

"Your sister's always been sharp."

"Truth. She'll probably be out here for Christmas, so we can all spend it together, if you want." Suzaku squeezed Lelouch's hand so tightly it was almost painful, but the prospect was absolutely wonderful. Lelouch smiled, but then sighed. "How long will you be in Tokyo?"

"Just a few weeks I think," Suzaku told him, bracingly. "Then I'll be back to stay."

"Back to stay," Lelouch repeated, almost wonderingly, and they might have been seventeen again, except that now they had actual plans, not just dreams, and maybe things really would work out… Lelouch and Suzaku stared at each other for a long time, then up at the sky, bright and cloudless through the newly budding tree branches, then down at the chattingering squirrels, pigeons and sparrows, then around at the people passing by, alone or in pairs or groups, then finally back at each other. They exchanged another soft kiss on the lips, then Lelouch stood up abruptly and pulled Suzaku to his feet. "Come on, I want to go back to your place."

"Why?" Suzaku asked, but then Lelouch kissed him softly on the lips again.

"Good news is worth celebrating, don't you think?" Understanding immediately, Suzaku pulled Lelouch towards 5th Avenue.

They exited the park at 72nd street, then hurried to Suzaku's apartment. Again, they might have been seventeen, running along these same streets, or the streets of Tokyo, laughing or crying, talking or quiet, best friends or in love, and now they'd be able to do all they'd promised each other, but better. So much better.

Suzaku didn't let go of Lelouch's hand until they reached his building and he had to unlock the door. They rushed into the lobby and hurried up the first three flights of stairs, but then stopped so Lelouch could catch his breath. "When you move back, can you please get an apartment with an elevator?" he demanded, shifting his overnight bag to his other shoulder irritably. Suzaku laughed.

"You aren't even a little used to it yet?"

"No!" Suzaku rolled his eyes, then picked Lelouch up in a bridal carry. Lelouch cried out and struggled to free himself, but Suzaku just headed up the last two flights of stairs. "Are you serious?!"

"Compeltely."

"I hate you…" Though he wasn't entirely upset, especially as none of the neighbors were around to see.

"No you don't," Suzaku shot back, setting him back on his feet and unlocking his door. Lelouch straightened his clothes, glaring at him, then pushed him over the threshold. They stepped out of their shoes and set down their things as the door fell shut behind them, then Suzaku pressed Lelouch up against it, kissing him hard on the mouth. Lelouch's whole body shivered in excitement and he wrapped his arms tight around Suzaku, pressing his thigh between his legs. Suzaku thrust his tongue into Lelouch's mouth and gripped his hips tightly, heat flooding his body and making his mind spin. Lelouch breathed hard through his nose and kissed him back, every sensation stoking the fire already burning inside him.

"I want you," he moaned, between kisses, and Suzaku just nodded, took his hand and pulled him into his bedroom. He'd left the windows open, and the sweet spring air was refreshingly cool on their flushed skin as they undressed, and soon they were in bed, naked and tangled up in each other. Suzaku rolled Lelouch onto his back and pulled out of their kiss to bring his lips to his neck, biting and sucking and licking, not enough to leave marks but enough to make Lelouch's thighs shake as they squeezed in tight around his waist. Suzaku moaned and thrust his hips up against him, breathing hard through his nose, tasting his skin and smelling his hair. Lelouch moaned and dug his heels into Suzaku's lower back, rocking his hips in time with him, and for a while they just moved together, the rhythm and pace teasing and perfect, relishing the heat and the friction, until, "You're teasing me," Lelouch moaned, digging his fingers into his shoulders.

"I am?" Suzaku asked lowly, thrusting hard up against him again.

"Don't you want it?" Lelouch asked, softly, half innocent and half instigating. A shiver ran down Suzaku's spine and he replied with a noise somewhere between a laugh and a groan, then kissed Lelouch hard on the mouth and reached around to grab his ass. Lelouch moaned and kissed him back, his erection throbbing at how good it felt but also at how much he was working Suzaku up. "I thought so," he breathed. Suzaku groaned as the words stirred him up further, but he forced himself to remain in control as he pulled away to look Lelouch in the face.

"You caught me," he breathed back in a sarcastic "it can't be helped" sort of way that made Lelouch smile in satisfaction, but then he dug his fingers harder into his ass. "You want me inside you, Lelouch?" Lelouch's toes curled and his inner walls throbbed longingly.

"Yes!" Suzaku gave him one last hard kiss on the lips, then let go of him to sit up straight and retrieve the lube and a condom from his bedside table drawer. He watched Lelouch shift against the bed, his legs spread, face flushed and erection hard and wanting, and for a moment was overwhelmed by how much they'd done together, how good it all felt, how insane it was he hadn't realized his feelings sooner- "What?" Lelouch asked, watching Suzaku squeeze lube onto his fingers.

"You're always so suspicious," Suzaku reproached, though he smiled as he took his place between Lelouch's spread legs. "You're beautiful, forgive me for looking." Lelouch's eye roll didn't distract from his blush and he bent his knees so his feet were flat on the bed. Suzaku smiled and pressed his fingers up against him. "Ready?"

"Yes." Lelouch inhaled deeply, and on his exhale Suzaku pressed his finger inside. Lelouch closed his eyes and gripped the sheets on either side of him, his whole body singing at the sensation. Suzaku bit his lip, watching and feeling Lelouch take his finger.

"Good?" he asked, his heart pounding.

"More…" Suzaku took a sharp breath in and drew his finger out, then pressed two back inside. Lelouch's thighs shivered and Suzaku bit back a moan as he moved them in and out a few times, gently, easily, stretching and exploring, then curled them up at exactly the right angle. Lelouch cried out and his toes curled against the bed, the sensation he'd come to love radiating out through his body, shocking his nerves and seizing his muscles. Suzaku let out a low moan and kept his fingers there, feeling the hot tightness around them all the way up his arm, then rocked his hand back and forth in the rhythm he knew Lelouch liked. "Yes!" Lelouch cried out again, his knuckles whitening as he gripped the sheets. Suzaku kept going, relishing the sensation, the sounds, Lelouch's expression as he pleased him, his erection twitching and oozing precum onto his belly, until, "Are you going to tease me all day?!"

"Hm?" Suzaku paused, and Lelouch glared down at him, flushed and sweaty and wanting.

"Are you going to tease me all day?" he repeated, pressing himself up on his elbows and shuddering as he moved against Suzaku's fingers.

"I can," replied Suzaku fairly, the shudder sending more heat rushing between his legs. Lelouch tried to gather himself, but he was so turned on he could barely see straight, let alone argue. "It seems like you're getting close. It's not teasing if you come." Lelouch took a sharp breath in and though he throbbed around Suzaku's fingers,

"I can't come like that!" The snap is his voice was dulled by his arousal. Suzaku's erection twitched and he took his fingers away, making Lelouch shudder and gasp again. He then picked up the lube, squeezed more onto his fingers and got on top of him before pressing them back inside. Lelouch groaned in frustration but arched into the sensation, wrapping his arms around Suzaku. "I'm serious," he moaned, shivering as Suzaku kissed his neck.

"So am I," Suzaku breathed right in his ear.

"Ah!"

"Feel that? I got a third one in…" Lelouch's face burned and he dug his fingers into Suzaku's upper back. Suzaku laughed softly in his ear, pressed his fingers up and rubbed them in a circle at exactly the right angle. Lelouch's erection throbbed and his head spun.

"S-suzaku…"

"Yes?"

"I-"

"Yes?"

"I want," Lelouch moaned, pulling in tight around Suzaku's fingers. "I want you to fuck me, Suzaku…" His face burned again, but Suzaku finally stopped as his erection throbbed almost painfully. Deciding it was no longer worth it, he kissed Lelouch deeply on the lips one last time, then pulled away to reach for the condom. Lelouch sighed in relief, his entire body alive with anticipation. They maintained eye contact as Suzaku opened the condom and slid it on, then picked up the lube and squeezed it into his hand before coating his erection, moaning softly as he realized just how turned on he was, exactly how much he'd been neglecting himself, and soon… His erection throbbed in his hand and he let go to get his wits about him. Lelouch's mouth twitched. "It's not teasing if you come," he reminded him, his eyes flashing, but then Suzaku was back on top of him, kissing him soundly on the mouth and guiding his erection into place.

"I wouldn't do that to you," he breathed, and Lelouch moaned softly in response, twitching against the tip of Suzaku's erection. "Ready?"

"Yes!" Lelouch took a deep breath in, and on his exhale Suzaku pressed forward, slowly, carefully, until he was completely sheathed inside. Lelouch moaned hard and kissed Suzaku passionately, his whole body on glorious, needy fire. Suzaku breathed hard through his nose, trying to keep his body in check even as the tight, pulsing heat made his head spin. They stayed there a moment, kissing and feeling, then Suzaku drew his hips back and thrust inside. "Oh fuck!" Suzaku repeated the move, slowly at first, then faster, never losing the angle Lelouch liked so much. Lelouch threw his head back and surrendered completely, moaning and gasping, toes curling and thighs shivering, until Suzaku slid his arm under his lower back and flipped them over. Lelouch cried out as he found himself suddenly straddling Suzaku, his face in his neck.

"Are you okay?" Suzaku asked, rubbing up and down his back.

"I-I'm fine," replied Lelouch, breathlessly, "I," he tried to shift his position to give Suzaku room to move, but,

"Sit up."

"What?"

"Sit up," Suzaku repeated, dragging his hands down Lelouch's back to give his ass an encouraging squeeze. Lelouch arched into the touch without meaning to, then turned to look him in the face.

"Why?"

"I wanna see."

"You keep telling me what to do."

"And you keep listening." Lelouch would never admit how hot the words felt down his spine, though he knew Suzaku felt how tightly he pulled in around him, how much precum he oozed onto his belly. He buried his face in Suzaku's neck, but he just smiled, held him closer and whispered into his ear, "Come on, let me see? Please?" Lelouch moaned and squeezed his thighs in tight around Suzaku's, but then pressed his hands into his chest and sat up, blushing as he felt him move inside him. "Yes," Suzaku moaned, his heart and erection both throbbing. Lelouch's blush deepened. He felt exposed, x-rayed by Suzaku's pretty green eyes, and his chest constricted around his pounding heart. Suzaku drew his hands around to grip Lelouch's thighs, feeling goosebumps as he gave them a reassuring, wanting squeeze. "Yes," he said again, taking in the glorious picture before him. "You look amazing…" Lelouch flushed even deeper and closed his eyes for a moment, almost overwhelmed, but then forced them open to glare challengingly at Suzaku. However, Suzaku sat up and wrapped his arms around him, kissing tenderly at his neck and chest. Lelouch shuddered in, was it relief? then took hold of Suzaku's face and kissed him on the lips. Suzaku moaned into his mouth, then gripped his hips and began to move him back and forth. Lelouch cried out and his thighs and hands shook. The new position hit his sweet spot at exactly the right angle, sending waves of electric pleasure out through his body. "Good?" Suzaku breathed, between kisses.

"F-fuck," Lelouch moaned back. Without realizing it, he began to move his hips to match Suzaku's pace, and before he knew it he was grinding shamelessly against him, desperate for more sensation, more pleasure, more Suzaku. For maybe the first time ever, he was entirely in his body, honed in on a single point of focus with nothing to distract him, and he loved it.

Suzaku lay back down on the bed and Lelouch leaned forward with him, digging his fingers into his chest, moaning and crying out fluently as he continued to move his hips. Suzaku just watched, transfixed, practically paralyzed by Lelouch making himself feel so good, his expression twisted in ecstasy. "Don't stop," he moaned, watching and feeling and listening.

"I, ah, oh f-fuck!" Lelouch cried, totally unaware of what he was saying, knowing only his pleasure, Suzaku's hands, words and erection. The pressure inside him built steadily, deeply, and he reached blindly for Suzaku's hand and tried to guide it to his erection. However, Suzaku grabbed his wrists and pressed his hands into his chest.

"No." Lelouch's eyes flew open and he cried out, digging his fingers into Suzaku's smooth skin and toned muscle.

"Wh-what?" he gasped. "Why'd-"

"You don't need my hand," said Suzaku, smiling up at Lelouch.

"I… but I'm-" He arched back in a headrush, then glared at Suzaku, his eyes blazing through their lustful haze. "I'm so close, just-"

"I know," said Suzaku, his thighs shivering. Lelouch tried to pull himself together, but it all felt too good and he was right there and all he wanted was Suzaku to touch him!

"I can't come like this!" he cried, even as he rocked his hips at the perfect angle and his erection twitched hopefully.

"Yes you can," said Suzaku, gripping Lelouch's wrists tighter. Lelouch struggled against the restraint, but there was no real conviction to it. "Yes you can," Suzaku repeated, and Lelouch cried out as the words incensed him. "Come for me, Lelouch." Lelouch bit his lip and he couldn't look at Suzaku as he moved his hips faster, his thighs and hands shaking. "Yes, just like that…" However, Lelouch didn't hear him, he was once more too focused on the pleasure radiating out from deep inside, gripping his body and shocking his nerves. If he were in his right mind, he'd think how absurd it was to get this turned on surrendering, to like being out of control and told what to do, to-

"Oh fuck I-" Lelouch's whole body stiffened, his eyes flew open, his toes curled and he dug his nails into Suzaku's chest as the pressure inside was suddenly too much. "I-"

"Yes…"

"I-" but anything else Lelouch might have said was drowned in a hard, stuttering cry as he came all over Suzaku's chest. His entire body spasmed with the force of it and he shuddered violently, waves of pleasure rising and crashing inside him, his erection and inner walls throbbing almost painfully hard. Suzaku's toes curled at the intense, glorious pulses around his erection, doing his utmost not to come as he watched Lelouch shudder, heard him moan, felt him squeeze, until he swayed slightly and fell forward, burying his face in his neck. Suzaku wrapped his arms around him and took deep, steadying breaths, feeling like he'd been dragged out to sea on a tidal wave of Lelouch's pleasure. Lelouch's mind was still gloriously blank, awash with sensation, while his body was rung out, pliable, almost liquid, but Suzaku was still there, containing and supporting him. He gave a soft moan, and Suzaku turned to kiss him on the cheek.

"Hey… are you okay?" Lelouch replied with another soft moan, and Suzaku smiled and kissed him on the cheek again. They stayed there a moment, breathing and feeling and connected, until eventually Lelouch whispered,

"Did you come yet?" Suzaku closed his eyes and took a sharp breath in, then sighed on his exhale.

"Not yet." Lelouch managed to open his eyes.

"Keep going…"

"Are you sure?"

"Mmhmm…" Suzaku raised Lelouch's hips, then bent his knees so his feet were flat on the bed before thrusting up and down, fucking Lelouch hard and fast and deep. Lelouch cried out, the friction and pressure overwhelming on his spent, rung out body and foggy mind, but he loved it. Indeed, his heart swelled and his throat burned and he began to cry softly, his tears falling into Suzaku's hair. Suzaku stopped at once, heart suddenly frozen in his chest, but Lelouch breathed, "I'm okay, I promise, please keep going…"

"Oh god…!" Suzaku picked up his pace again, the sensation and Lelouch's words pushing him right to the edge. "Oh god!" The pressure inside him built to bursting point. "Oh god!" He came, hard, inside Lelouch with a shuddering cry, fucking him through it until he was drained dry, then carefully eased his hips down. He felt so gloriously spent and satisfied, so connected, so in love… In his haze of pleasure, he nosed tenderly at Lelouch's cheek, then rolled him over so he could pull out. Lelouch shivered, his inner walls giving one last, needy throb, then he lay contentedly on his side, body empty of everything but warm, satisfied space, tears still sliding down his face onto the pillows. Suzaku peeled off the condom, tied it off and threw it out, then lay back down beside Lelouch and pulled him into his arms. Lelouch moaned and rubbed his face against his chest while he kissed him and stroked his hair. "Nakanaide, I love you," Suzaku told him, which made him shudder and pull in tighter around him. "I love you, I'm here, it's all right…" They stayed there a long time, sharing breath and energy, until at last Lelouch stopped crying. He shifted against Suzaku and wiped his eyes before looking up at him. The warm afternoon sun fell in graceful rays across the bed, casting the already perfect scene in a soft orange glow. Suzaku smiled and rubbed his thumb under Lelouch's eye. "Why the tears?"

"I don't know," he replied, without any snark or sarcasm. Suzaku didn't push him, just kissed him on the lips.

"That's okay," he breathed, and warmth flooded Lelouch's chest.

"You're really going to be here," he said, wonderingly.

"I am," Suzaku replied, and they smiled at each other in the golden afternoon light.

"I love you…"

"I love you too…"

Chapter Text

Euphy smiled at Suzaku through the phone screen, but then was obscured by Arthur walking in front of her. "You've had too many treats already today, get down," she sighed, picking him up and putting him in her lap. He replied with a disgruntled meow and stared at Suzaku through the screen in a "you see the shit I put up with?" sort of way, and he laughed. He'd miss Arthur, naturally, but he'd always have the scars on his hands and ankles as a testament to their time together. "Anyway, I need to get to bed," said Euphy, smiling again at Suzaku through the phone screen. "Have fun this weekend! Text me!"

"I will, have a good night, okay?"

"Thanks, say bye, Arthur!" Arthur just gave another disgruntled meow, and Euphy and Suzaku laughed. "Bye!"

"Bye!" Suzaku ended the call, still smiling. In the weeks since their conversation, he and Euphy had talked more openly and fluently than they had in months, maybe years. It was a painful reminder of how things used to be between them, but it was more so a relief to be able to speak freely, without the tension of unspoken expectations and hurt feelings, especially when they had to work together to actually separate.

After he'd officially accepted the full time job at ASEEC, they'd made plans for him to go back to Tokyo and sign papers, divide assets and help her move into a new apartment for a fresh start. Again, it was painful to be reminded of how good a team they'd once made, but as Shirley had rightly pointed out, it forced him to grieve the loss head on.

Suzaku's phone went off again, and his smile widened at Lelouch's name. "Hello?"

"Hey, we're a block away, be ready."

"Yes, Your Majesty." A chorus of laughter from CC and Kallen told Suzaku he was on speaker phone. However, Lelouch just replied,

"That's fucking right," and ended the call. Suzaku shoved his phone back in his pocket, did one last check around his apartment, snatched up his overnight bag and was out the door. It was a beautiful spring day, warm and cloudless and alive with birdsong and people out walking their dogs. However, before he could really take it in, a car horn blared from across the street. Suzaku started and spotted a white van parked illegally on the corner with its hazards on. He hurried over, his heart swelling in his chest as Kallen opened the driver's side door and jumped out.

"Hey! You can toss your stuff in the back, here-" she ran around the van and opened the rear doors. The whole bed was packed to the gills with bolts of fabric, mattresses, cardboard boxes and equipment Suzaku recognized from The Dungeon, plus everyone's suitcases and other necessities.

"Oh wow," he said, his eyes widening.

"Yeah! Should be a good weekend," Kallen replied, smirking. Suzaku carefully tetrised his bag between the submission horse and a suitcase labelled "TOYS," then turned to hug Kallen hello.

"Genki datta?" he asked, and she replied in Japanese,

"I'm doing well. Mom's treatment seems like it'll stick this time and my dad and I are still in counseling. It's all good, but it's been difficult."

"That's to be expected, isn't it?" Kallen nodded, slammed the doors shut and locked them, then switched abruptly to English.

"My dad's really trying, but sometimes I'm just like, 'ooh does it suck to finally take some responsibility for what you did? Good, get your fucking feelings hurt!'"

"I'm sorry," Suzaku told her, sincerely, though he couldn't help but laugh. Kallen just waved the words aside.

"It's cool. Now come on, let's get moving." They walked around the side of the van and Lelouch opened the passenger door and slid over to give Suzaku room while Kallen climbed into the driver's seat.

"Ready?" Lelouch asked, beaming and kissing Suzaku hello.

"Always."

"Seatbelts on!" CC called sternly from the passenger's seat, then Kallen started the engine and sped up York Avenue and onto FDR Drive. There was very little traffic, and soon they were speeding over the Whitestone Bridge, through Queens and out onto Long Island, tall buildings and industry turning into suburbs and tree lined highways, Kallen's music loud in everyone's ears.

"It's pretty out here," said Suzaku, who'd been staring eagerly out the window the entire time. When he'd come to stay with Lelouch before, they'd spent all their time in the city, but now he was very curious what the rest of the state, indeed the rest of the country, was like. Lelouch took his hand and gave it a squeeze while CC turned in her seat.

"It is, right? Wait until we get to the hotel." Suzaku smiled eagerly, and CC caught Lelouch's eye and gave him an "aww!" sort of expression. He scratched his nose with his middle finger.

Kallen exited the LIE for a smaller state road, then turned onto a quaint street lined with luxurious 18th and 19th Century houses with manicured lawns and huge porches, then onto an even smaller street that brought them right up close to the ocean. She rolled down the windows to let in the saltspray, and Lelouch's heart swelled like the surf as he watched Suzaku take in the passing scenery, thinking of their drive back from JFK the first time he'd come to stay. He brought their clasped hands up and kissed his knuckles, and he turned and gave him a glowing smile, then kissed him on the lips.

"Cool it, we're nearly there," said Kallen, side eyeing them through the rearview mirror. However, before Lelouch could answer back they pulled into the circular driveway of the 19th Century mansion Suzaku recognized from the photos with its sweeping lawn and wrap-around porch.

"Oh my god," he sighed, his eyes widening. It was far more impressive in person, and with the ocean stretching behind it dotted with sailboats, it looked like a postcard.

Kallen parked right in front of the house, and the moment she shut off the engine an older man in khakis and a polo shirt burst through the stained glass front doors and came striding up to them. Kallen rolled her eyes at Lelouch and Suzaku in the rearview mirror and unlocked the van so he could open CC's door and help her down.

"Is that her client?" Suzaku asked Lelouch under his breath.

"How could you tell?" Lelouch muttered back, getting out of the van to join her.

"Hey, help me get all our bags and stuff from the back," Kallen told Suzaku as they unbuckled their seatbelts.

"I thought that was why you brought me," he replied. She laughed, and they got out of the van and walked around to the back, gravel crunching under their feet.

"Nice to see you again," Lelouch told CC's client, shaking his hand.

"You too," he replied, graciously. "Do you need help moving everything inside, or?"

"Not yet, we've got people coming to help, they should be here in an hour or so."

"Excellent! In the meantime, I'll get you checked in and show you to your rooms?"

"You will," said CC, smiling rather threateningly at her client. Lelouch hastily cleared his throat and went to help Kallen and Suzaku with their bags, then they followed CC's client up the front steps and into the hotel.

The first floor was bright and open, with wood paneled walls painted white and cream carpeted floors. CC and Lelouch went with her client to the front desk which stood beside a grand wooden staircase, also carpeted in cream. An open doorway to their left led onto what looked like a living room full of old fashioned armchairs, couches and card tables, and a doorway to their right opened onto a bar. All the windows were open and hung with linen curtains, which fluttered in the sea breeze. Overhead, wooden ceiling fans spun lazily, stirring the pleasantly cool air. "Wow," said Suzaku, feeling like he was at someone's beach house at the height of summer.

"Yeah this place is real vibey," Kallen told him quietly. "I can't wait to destroy it."

"What?"

"Come on, let's go," Lelouch called over his shoulder, and Kallen rolled her eyes, but muttered,

"I'm joking," to Suzaku, and they laughed and followed him, CC and her client up two flights of stairs and onto a hallway lined with numbered doors in between which hung photos, paintings and pen and ink illustrations of beach scenes.

"I set aside the two honeymoon suites for you," said CC's client as they turned left and headed down the hallway. CC and Kallen gave Lelouch and Suzaku knowing looks, and Suzaku blushed while Lelouch scratched his nose with his middle finger again, then replied,

"Thank you, we appreciate it." At the end of the hall, CC's client unlocked the two doors facing each other and handed her the keycards.

"If there's anything else you need just let me know."

"Coffee," said CC, with the merest trace of her work voice. Her client's eyes widened for a split second, but then he nodded.

"Of course, it'll be ready downstairs."

"Yes it will," CC agreed, leaving no room for argument. He nodded and disappeared back down the hall. Lelouch, Suzaku, CC and Kallen waited until he was completely out of earshot before bursting into quiet laughter.

"Well played," said Lelouch, and CC flipped her hair and thrust a keycard at him.

"Meet downstairs in fifteen minutes?"

"Sure thing." He took the keycard from CC, and she and Kallen went into one room, Lelouch and Suzaku the other.

The suite also looked like a postcard: the walls were covered in silvery blue wallpaper with scenes of koi fish and cranes and a four poster bed covered in a quilt and fluffy pillows faced a working fireplace with shells on the mantle. A sliding glass door in front of them led onto a balcony with two rocking chairs, and through a door to their left was a white tiled bathroom with a huge soaking tub.

"This is so nice," said Suzaku, taking in the sea air and subtle sensuality.

"It is, right? This is such a dope gig." Suzaku heaved his weekend bag and Lelouch's suitcase onto the bed, then crossed the room to wrap his arms around his waist from behind. Lelouch smiled and closed his eyes, leaning his head over Suzaku's shoulder. Suzaku pressed his lips to his neck, took a deep breath in and sighed it out. For a moment it was as if they were on vacation together, not off to work a sex party. Although, once Suzaku was back to stay… "I need to unpack," Lelouch reminded him playfully, and he groaned in return, but then let go and they set to work. In a well practiced routine, Lelouch hung up all his work clothes, his nicest button downs and dress pants, then put his face masks and contacts in the bathroom.

"Is this okay, what I've brought?" Suzaku asked, unfolding his own dress shirts.

"Of course," Lelouch replied, smiling. Suzaku smiled back, but then asked,

"Are all your ropes still in the van?"

"Yes," replied Lelouch, noticing the edge to his voice. They looked at each other across the room for a moment, then, "Do you want me to tie for you this weekend?" Suzaku blushed and bit down on the inside of his lip.

"Will you?" he asked, in a low voice that sent a shiver down Lelouch's spine. He hesitated a fraction of a second, then stepped forward and kissed Suzaku on the lips.

"I will," he said, softly, heat rushing up between them, "but do you mind if we see how tonight goes first? I've never tied for, you know…" He blushed.

"For pleasure?" Suzaku asked, tucking a strand of Lelouch's hair behind his ear.

"Exactly."

"You told me how turned on you got the second time, though…"

"Like you weren't?!" They laughed and exchanged another soft kiss on the lips, the heat between them simmering faster.

"Of course I was," Suzaku continued, "and I think it'll be even better now, but I don't mind waiting a night to feel it out." Lelouch kissed Suzaku one more time.

"Cool."

They finished unpacking, went back downstairs and headed through the bar into a dining room full of white wicker tables and chairs. The far wall was all sliding glass doors hung with more white linen curtains and looked out over a deck complete with pool and a hot tub beyond which the beach stretched invitingly. A pier extended into the water, and a sailboat was moored at the end. Kallen and CC stood by the little coffee bar to their left with porcelain mugs in their hands, talking and laughing, and looked up as Lelouch and Suzaku entered the room.

"Oh good, there you are," said Kallen.

"Here we are, what do you want?" asked Lelouch, though he smiled as he helped himself to coffee.

"We're thinking we'll use the living room as the Playroom again and the DJ can set up in the bar," said CC.

"That makes the most sense," Lelouch agreed.

"And I was just saying to Kallen, all the sculpture will be safer in here, but we can hang the paintings in the bar?"

"I'm with it."

"What can I do to help?" asked Suzaku, also pouring himself coffee.

"Make sure Lelouch actually does what he's supposed to do and doesn't just bark orders at people," Kallen replied. CC and Suzaku burst out laughing, but Lelouch just took a dignified sip of coffee.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize things didn't go smoothly when everyone listened to me."

"Until there's a tiny problem and you start tweaking," Kallen pointed out to more laughter.

"You know what-" but at that moment they heard the rev of a motorcycle engine out front.

"That's Rivalz!" said Kallen, and they all headed back through the bar and out the front door to see him parking his motorcycle behind their van. He shut off the engine, took off his helmet and shook out his hair, then turned and grinned excitedly at his friends on the front porch.

"Hey!" he called, waving.

"Welcome!" replied CC. Rivalz set his helmet on the seat and began to unstrap his saddlebags.

"You need help with anything?" asked Suzaku.

"I've got it, thanks dude!" Rivalz tucked his helmet under his arm, picked up the saddlebags and ran up the stairs, still grinning excitedly. "Am I the first one here?"

"Yeah, so if you want to drag your feet…" said Lelouch.

"If you wanna fuck off," Rivalz shot back, before clasping his hand. "Let me just check in at the desk and I'll be right down." He clasped hands with Suzaku, kissed CC and Kallen on the cheek and disappeared into the lobby.

Over the next half hour or so, those people who'd agreed to help set up or work the event arrived in groups of twos, threes and fours. Suzaku recognized some of them, including the models from the show at House of Yes, a few guests from the Masquerade and of course, Milly, Shirley and Mao, who all greeted them enthusiastically.

"Hey!"

"I'm so excited, Lulu!"

"Hell yeah let's fucking GO!"

Once everyone had checked in, they all gathered in the lobby and were delegated jobs moving furniture out of the living room, rearranging the bar and bringing everything in from the van, all the while CC's client hovered around, in theory making sure nothing got damaged or broke fire codes, but in practice enjoying her bossing him around. Then of course, the real set up began, and though it was physically demanding, it was incredibly satisfying to transform a luxurious hotel into a sex dungeon. Dark curtains were hung over all the windows, the Saint Andrew's cross, submission horse and suspension frame were set up, mattresses were wrapped in waterproof covers and made up and mood lights and a fog machine were plugged in. In the early afternoon, the DJ turned up with her equipment, followed shortly after by the artists who'd come to sell their work.

"Suzaku, can you come help me with this?" CC called from the door to the lobby. Suzaku took a long sip of water, then set the empty glass on the bar and followed her out the front door. He blinked in the bright sunlight and headed down the driveway to a rather beat up red car at the edge of the lawn. A woman in her fifties emerged from the driver's side, seized CC and Suzaku and kissed them both on each cheek.

"Hello!" she cried, beaming.

"Nice to see you," said CC, politely, though she gave Suzaku an apologetic look. However, Suzaku felt rather pleased. The woman reminded him of someone's eccentric aunt who had known rockstars before they were famous and taken acid with painters and poets.

"Nice to see you too, CC! And I don't know your name…"

"I'm Suzaku, it's nice to meet you."

"Vermillion Bird of the South," she trilled, and Suzaku blushed, but again couldn't help but be pleased. She popped the trunk, revealing two large cardboard boxes.

"Are these all new pieces?" CC asked.

"Yes! I made them all from reclaimed artefacts, which of course actually means from stuff I found in the garbage." She picked up a box and handed it to Suzaku, who just smiled because he had no idea what to say to that, then laughed when he caught CC's eye again as he turned to carry the box inside. He wove his way in and out of people moving lights and hanging up paintings, or else taking a break with pizza, water or coffee, and stepped into the relative calm of the dining room, which had been left pretty much as it was except for the side tables they'd brought in from the living room. He set the box down on one of them and opened it. Inside were porcelain vases, plates, mugs and figures encased in tape and bubble wrap. Slowly and carefully, Suzaku picked up a vase and unwrapped it, realizing at once that it had been broken, then put back together with veins of gold.

"Kintsugi?"

"That's right!" came the artist's voice from right behind him, making him start and nearly drop the vase. However, she just laughed. "My mother taught me this technique when I was little after I broke my favorite mug."

"Really?" asked Suzaku, with keen interest.

"Yes! And by taught me this technique I mean we fixed it with superglue, but she explained the concept to me and my father taught me the actual metalworking as an adult."

"Right…" CC entered the room with the other box, which she also set on the side table.

"Do you want us to arrange the pieces in any specific way?" she asked, but the artist just waved the words aside.

"No no I trust you. I'll just have coffee and leave you to it! The title cards with the prices are in one of the boxes, I forget which one!" And with that, she flitted over to the coffee bar, then left to relax on the deck. CC and Suzaku watched her go, then set to work.

"Sorry about that," said CC, quietly, but Suzaku just laughed.

"It's all right, she seems very sweet." As he unwrapped more pieces, he could feel the care and love she'd put into them, and a nostalgic lump formed in his throat. He coughed into his elbow. "These really are beautiful."

"They are," agreed CC, fondly. At that moment there was a crash in the bar, and everyone in the vicinity turned to see Shirley, one of the models from the House of Yes show and the curtain they'd accidentally pulled from its rod in a crumpled heap on the floor, spotlighted by the sun now pouring in through the window.

"Are you guys okay?!"

"Oh my god, what happened?!"

"Holy shit, how-" The model began laughing hysterically while Shirley, very red in the face, cried,

"Sorry! We were trying to make room for this painting, and-" But then everyone else joined in laughing. Milly rushed to put the curtain back up while Lelouch helped them to their feet and Mao and Rivalz carried the painting around them and set it on the temporary hooks they'd stuck to the wall. CC and Suzaku exchanged a smile and returned to their work.

"I swear I saw this at Lelouch's parents house," said Suzaku, unwrapping a Staffordshire figure of a dog with a gold vein across its face.

"Was it broken?" CC asked, not unkindly.

"No, but I remember helping Lelouch fix a lot of broken things there," said Suzaku, without really meaning to. CC paused in unwrapping a plate.

"I'm sure you did," she said, very quietly. Suzaku's throat tightened around the nostalgic lump. He didn't want to put the figure down. "Lelouch told me about how his father treated him before he got disowned," CC continued, still very quietly. "I'm really sorry you had to see it all firsthand." Suzaku looked into her golden eyes, still holding the figure. No one had ever said this to him before, and he realized in that moment that sharing Lelouch with their friends didn't just mean sharing time and energy and care. It also meant sharing burdens, pain and difficult emotions. Gratitude for all of them rose up inside him, making the corners of his eyes burn. He cleared his throat.

"Thank you," he said, very seriously. "He had to do the same thing for me." CC smiled rather sadly.

"I know negative experiences bringing people together doesn't have a great connotation, but I think it can be very meaningful." Suzaku nodded, and for a moment they turned and watched Lelouch direct Rivalz and Mao as they hung up another painting.

"Are you and Mao like that?" Suzaku asked, rather more bravely than he felt. CC's eyes widened, but then her expression settled into an impressed smile.

"I'd say so." She picked up a mug and unwrapped it. "Did he tell you how we met?"

"No, just that you helped him out of, well he called it 'family drama' but I-" CC laughed.

"He used to say I saved his life, apparently I've been downgraded." Now Suzaku laughed. He was still holding the Staffordshire figure.

"Is that what happened?" CC shrugged.

"Mao and I met in middle school when I got placed in a foster home on Pitt Street."

"Lelouch didn't tell me you were in foster care," said Suzaku, stunned. However, CC just smiled.

"It's not his story to tell." Suzaku couldn't argue with this but still wanted to know more. CC unwrapped another mug. "I was in foster care my whole life. It's a long story, but I was lucky; my placements were as good as I could have hoped for, and I was able to get out the second I turned eighteen because I'd already been Domming for two years and had made really good money." Suzaku's eyes widened in horror.

"You what?!"

"Yeah in retrospect it was wrong, even though it wasn't illegal, but Mao protected me. Or, his family connections did, more accurately."

"I see…" Suzaku wanted to ask more questions, but didn't want to overstep, especially since he'd already learned so much. However, CC just nodded.

"To get back to the original point, Mao and I weren't in great places when we met, but we helped each other out. He used to say he liked me because I couldn't read his mind." She smiled, and Suzaku tried to smile back, but his heart ached for her. "I'm all right, I promise. Again, I was lucky, and I was able to go to college where I met all my friends and now here we are."

"I'm so sorry," said Suzaku, humbled by her story.

"Thank you," she said, giving his shoulder a squeeze, "but again, meeting through negative experiences doesn't have to be a bad thing, and it gives you something to draw from when things get hard."

"That's true," said Suzaku. "And even if it's not what it was, it can still be good, right?" He stared at the figure still clutched in his hand, its sweet face with the gold scar through it, then looked over at Lelouch, whose resilience he'd always admired, then at CC, whose resilience he now admired deeply. "I'm really glad you've done so well for yourself," he told her, sincerely. She smiled.

"I appreciate that."

"It takes courage to put yourself back together, even if it doesn't feel like you have a choice," he said.

"I agree."

As they looked at each other, it occurred to Suzaku that even though Lelouch's friends had embraced him with open arms and made so much room for him, this was all an adjustment for them too, but they'd shown him nothing but grace.

"Thank you," he told CC, and she ruffled his hair.

"Thank you," she replied with a knowing smile, and together they finished unpacking the boxes and setting the figures on display.

By late afternoon, the hotel's transformation was complete, and everyone retired to their rooms to relax and change before the rest of the guests arrived. Lelouch and Suzaku took a shower together, then got dressed in suits.

"Can I ask you something?" said Suzaku, sitting on the edge of the bed and watching Lelouch fuss with his tie in front of the mirror.

"Of course."

"Tonight… I know you'll be working, and I haven't forgotten what we discussed earlier, but does that mean I'm coming as your boyfriend or your submissive?" Lelouch, who'd been pondering the same question during every spare moment that day, hesitated.

"Come as yourself," he said, catching Suzaku's eye in the mirror. Suzaku rolled his eyes, and Lelouch finished fussing with his tie before turning to face him. "I'm not sure," he answered, truthfully. A moment's silence passed. "Tonight, let me just be Zero, and we'll reevaluate in the morning."

"That's fine," replied Suzaku, feeling rather relieved. Lelouch stepped forward and kissed him on the lips.

"Don't play with anyone else, though." The merest trace of his work voice sent a shiver down Suzaku's spine.

"I would never." Lelouch smiled his most charismatic smile.

"That's fucking right." And with that, Lelouch took Suzaku's hand and they headed down to the front desk. Kallen, dressed in knee high Dr. Martens, leather shorts and a button down with a corseted front and CC, dressed in a bondage dress and her favorite pair of Louboutins, were there waiting for them.

"Wow," said Suzaku for what felt like the thousandth time that day, and they both rolled their eyes, but smiled appreciatively. "You guys look great!"

"You clean up pretty nice yourself," said Kallen, approvingly, while CC made a noise of agreement, and heat rushed up Suzaku's neck.

"Thank you very much," said Lelouch sarcastically, then addressed Suzaku. "Everyone else is at the bar." Suzaku kissed him goodbye and headed around the corner.

The room was dark and sultry, and low, sexy music played quietly in the background. Everyone who'd helped set up was standing about, dressed in cocktail attire with drinks in their hands, talking and joking excitedly. Suzaku felt eyes on him as he walked through the growing tension to find Milly, Shirley, Rivalz and Mao at the bar.

"All right, lo ban neung!" Mao called, loudly.

"Mao," said Shirley despairingly as Milly wolf whistled. Suzaku's face burned, but he smiled.

"You guys look great!"

"Thanks!" said Rivalz, grinning. "Damn it feels nice to be on the other side of the bar for a change!"

"You're on the other side of the bar every night after your shift, the fuck you mean?" demanded Mao.

"Hey, we don't shame!" snapped Milly, though she was grinning.

"I wasn't!" cried Mao, outraged. "I support it fully!"

"Okay you know what-"

Suzaku's heart swelled as he ordered a drink.

"Everything okay?" Kallen asked Lelouch.

"Yeah," he replied. "Yeah I think so."

"It seems like it," said CC, actually smiling. Heat rushed up Lelouch's neck, but fortunately at that moment the front doors opened, and a woman with a jellyfish tattooed on her inner forearm entered with four guys in tow, all of whom were dressed in black and also tattooed.

"Welcome," said Lelouch, slipping on his Zero mask at once. He hadn't seen this woman since the Masquerade, and the guys she was with since much farther back.

"Nice to see you," she said, beaming, while the guys all looked around eagerly. "Is that dick reporter here?" Lelouch, Kallen and CC all laughed as they shook her hand.

"Dick reporter," snorted the young man beside her, stepping forward to clasp hands with Lelouch.

"No," he assured her, "Diethard's back at House of Yes where he belongs."

"Good."

"Yo I forgot how fucking nice this place is!" the young man exclaimed at the top of his voice, his blue green eyes shining as he looked around.

"Sorry we missed the last Excursion," said the tallest of the four young men, also walking forward, "we'd just gotten back from tour."

"Stop," said CC, and though she'd meant it as "we're just happy to have you now," in her work voice, it still froze him dead in his tracks. Everyone laughed while the woman and the young man at the back, whose blond hair shone even in the sultry semi-darkness, approached the desk to check in.

"So you're not too famous to hit up kink parties yet?" asked Kallen, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"Not yet," said the last young man, brushing his dark hair out of his eyes.

"Bro we're a fucking metalcore band who the fuck's gonna be surprised?!"

"Dude, shut up!"

However, under everyone's laughter, the doors opened again and Lelouch's private client walked in, a man he took to be her husband at her side. Lelouch caught her eye, and she smiled and nodded, and he stepped forward to greet her.

Tension wound steadily tighter as guests arrived and checked in, as the bar and dining room filled up, as drinks and dinner were served, as the sun set on the ocean, until everyone gathered in the lobby at 9 pm. Lelouch, CC and Kallen stood in front of the doors to the former living room, which had remained closed since they'd finished setting up, now dressed in their costumes for the night.

"Thank you everyone for coming!" said Lelouch in his most commanding tone. "We're so happy to have you here to enjoy this weekend of debauchery with us-" a few cheers, "-but please remember as we make our way to the Playroom: stay safe, mind how much you're drinking, set and respect limits, and if you see anything suspect or feel unsafe for any reason, please let either us," he gestured at CC and Kallen, "or one of our team," he gestured at those people working the first shift of the night, all of whom wore red glow necklaces, "know at once and we'll take care of it. Anything unsavory and you will be told to leave. Is that clear?" More cheers and applause, and Lelouch's eyes flashed. "Correct. Now…" He opened the doors to the playroom with a dramatic creek. Soft red and purple light and fog from the machine seeped ominously from within. "Let's play."

Chapter Text

Lelouch wasn't sure if it was the birdsong or crashing waves that woke him, but he seemed to hear both in his dreams first. He sighed, opened his eyes and lifted his head off Suzaku's chest. Rays of sunlight were shining through the balcony door they'd left open, illuminating the pretty hotel room, the clothes they'd tossed to the floor the night before and Suzaku's sleeping face. Lelouch smiled, loath to disturb him when he looked so peaceful, but…

He checked the time on the clock on the bedside table. It was still a while before they needed to be up. Perfect. He sat up, then slowly pulled the covers down, exposing Suzaku's chest, his belly, his thighs, his erection… He moaned, but didn't open his eyes. Very carefully, Lelouch got into position between his legs, took hold of his erection and licked a gentle, wet circle around the tip. Suzaku's brow furrowed in his sleep and he sighed, but didn't wake up. Lelouch smirked and continued, his own erection twitching excitedly as he drew more circles with his tongue, then took him into his mouth. Suzaku moaned sleepily and shifted against the bed as Lelouch moved slowly up and down, breathing deeply through his nose and keeping his eyes glued to Suzaku's face. His brow furrowed and his lips parted and his breath got steadily faster, until at last he awoke with a soft gasp. He blinked in the fresh morning light, then focused on Lelouch. He took a deep breath in and sighed it out, his expression relaxing into a very turned on smile.

"Fuck, good morning," he groaned. Lelouch pulled away and smiled back, still stroking his erection.

"Good morning," he replied, softly. Suzaku reached down to cup the side of his face, and he turned to kiss his palm. "Did you sleep well?"

"Really well," replied Suzaku, and fuck if that wasn't true. The party last night had been more fun than he ever could have imagined and, stirred up by everything going on around him, he'd fucked Lelouch sensless afterwards on the floor of their room, then bent over the sink, then against the wall of the shower, before they'd finally fallen asleep in each other's arms. His erection twitched in Lelouch's hand as he remembered.

"Good," said Lelouch, before taking him into his mouth again. Suzaku threw his head back and gripped Lelouch's hair.

"A-ah!"

An hour or so later, Lelouch and Suzaku went downstairs for breakfast, passing through the empty bar which, with its drawn curtains and light and sound equipment, looked like an empty stage, and into the dining room. It was full of bright sunlight, the smell of the sea, hot food and fresh coffee. A buffet manned by hotel staff had been set up against the wall facing the sliding glass doors, all of which were open. Guests were eating in groups at the wicker tables inside or on deck chairs by the pool, and the conversation was light hearted and content, but the excitement of what would come later was already simmering, or maybe it was just residual from the night before.

Lelouch and Suzaku grabbed plates of food and mugs of coffee, then spotted their friends at a table in the far corner. As they made their way over, Suzaku looked around curiously at the guests, recognizing a couple who'd shocked each other with what he'd learned was called a violet wand, people who'd whipped each other raw against the Saint Andrew's Cross, the woman who'd pegged her boyfriend while choking him till he'd gotten a nosebleed, the woman Lelouch had tied up and suspended from the tripod frame to an eager audience, and of course everyone who'd danced in the bar while taking breaks from the Playroom. It was rather odd to see them all wearing casual clothes in daylight, but they all still looked like themselves and the connections still seemed genuine and honest, which felt safe in a way he'd never experienced before.

"Zou san!" Mao exclaimed, waving at Lelouch and Suzaku as they approached. "Watch out for the glass doors." CC, Kallen, Rivalz, Shirley and Milly all laughed while Suzaku looked at Lelouch in confusion, but he just replied,

"Who was it who gagged you last night? I'd like to thank them personally." Everyone laughed as Lelouch and Suzaku took the two empty chairs. Mao pressed his hand to his chest and said, wistfully,

"I hope I'll see her again later…" He raised his eyebrows at CC, who ignored him.

"Did you all have fun last night?" asked Lelouch, stretching and taking a long sip of coffee.

"It was way more fun than I expected," said Shirley, blushing as she smiled at him.

"It was so much fun," agreed Milly, eagerly, then added to Kallen, "You went way too hard on that blonde kid though."

"He's a drummer, he can take it," replied Kallen, shrugging. She looked more relaxed than anyone had seen her in months, smiling easily with her feet tucked up under her and mug of coffee in both hands.

"What does that have to do with anything?" asked Suzaku, and Kallen and Rivalz exchanged a knowing look.

"So you had a good time last night?" Lelouch asked Shirley, discreetly, while the conversation continued around them.

"I really did," she replied, blushing deeper. "I don't think I'm actually kinky enough for this, but…"

"That's okay," Lelouch assured her. "It's not even really a prerequisite."

"I noticed that," said Shirley, smiling. "I also didn't expect people to be so nice! Like, this married couple invited me to a dinner party at their house next week because we like the same book, like, what?" Lelouch laughed.

"Parties like this only work if we maintain a good group, so I'm glad it's working."

"It is!" Shirley sipped her coffee and lowered her voice slightly. "It's also been good to really see what you do these last few months. I don't feel like I have to worry as much."

"You never had to worry, but I appreciate that." Shirley beamed.

"But um, I've also been meaning to ask you," she paused as though gathering resolve, and Lelouch tilted his head to the side receptively, but then,

"Lelouch?" He and Shirley looked up at Suzaku. "Do you want more coffee?"

"I'd love some."

"Do you need anything, Shirley?"

"Oh no I'm all right! Thank you!" She looked rather flustered. Suzaku smiled at her, then kissed Lelouch on the lips before heading back to the coffee bar with their mugs.

Heat rushed up Lelouch's neck and face, and he glared defiantly at his friends, fully expecting to get teased, but,

"So yeah I said to him-"

"Oh was that the same night as-"

"HA! Oh my god!"

Lelouch gave their scrutiny another few seconds to arrive, but when it didn't, resigned himself to the fact that it really had been that obvious, which was honestly annoying. He shook his head and turned back to Shirley. "Sorry, what were you going to ask me?" He knew immediately that something was off with her and was about to ask, but she just smiled and said,

"It's nothing, never mind!"

After breakfast, all the guests returned to their rooms to fool around while the Playroom was closed or headed outside to enjoy the perfect weather; relaxing by the pool, soaking in the hot tub, walking the grounds, dipping their feet in the ocean or taking the sailboat out with CC's client. In between seeing to guests, setting up the Playroom and taking payment for sculptures and paintings, Lelouch lay on a deck chair in the shade reading while Suzaku, Mao and Rivalz roughhoused in the pool like teenagers for Shirley, Milly, Kallen and CC's entertainment.

"Guys, be careful!" Shirley cried as Suzaku hoisted Mao up by the waist and threw him into the water.

"Oh please, they're fine," said Kallen, while CC cried,

"Do it again!" Mao emerged from the water, swearing in English and Cantonese, and rushed at Suzaku, who was ready, only to be intercepted by Rivalz tackling him underwater.

"Nice!" called Kallen, laughing.

"Are you okay?" Milly asked, giggling, as Rivalz and Mao broke the surface of the water, shaking their hair out of their eyes.

"I'm fine!" Rivalz shouted back, though he was obviously pleased at Milly's concern. At once, Suzaku and Mao were back on top of him.

"I feel like this a liability concern," Milly told Lelouch, though she was still giggling.

"They signed waivers," he replied, without looking up. Milly laughed, but then cried,

"Incoming!"

"What?" Lelouch looked up to see Suzaku had climbed out of the pool and was running towards him with his arms wide, water dripping down his chest. Lelouch scrambled out of his chair in horror. "Suzaku, no!"

"Suzaku, yes!" Lelouch cried out and tried to run, but of course Suzaku was too quick for him. He seized him around the waist, picked him up and swung him around, soaking him through his button down.

"I fucking hate you!"

"No you don't!" Suzaku set him back on his feet and kissed him on the side of the head as their friends laughed. "Are you okay?" he asked, grinning.

"Of course I am," replied Lelouch, resentfully, though he also smiled as he gave everyone the finger.

"And on that note, I need another drink," said Milly, getting gracefully to her feet and picking up her empty glass.

"Go with her and get me something," Lelouch demanded. "It's the least you can do." Suzaku rolled his eyes, but laughed.

"Yes, Your Majesty." He kissed him on the lips. "I'll be right back." He picked up the towel he'd left on another deck chair, wrapped it around his waist and followed Milly through the dining room and into the bar, which, even with all the lights on, was strangely dark after the bright day outside.

"You and Lelouch are so cute," she said when they took their places in line at the bar.

"You think so?" Suzaku asked, pleased to hear it.

"Definitely," said Milly, smiling warmly at him. "It was really funny watching you guys try to hide everything though."

"I'm sure it was," laughed Suzaku. "Did all of you know?"

"Of course! Well no, I don't think Shirley did," said Milly, and something shifted in her expression, "but Rivalz and I-"

"What can I get you?" asked the bartender, smiling, and Milly and Suzaku stepped up to order drinks, then out of the way of the next people in line.

"But you and Rivalz?" prompted Suzaku.

"What do you mean?" asked Milly, a sudden edge to her voice. Suzaku's eyes widened.

"Nothing, you were just going to say something about the two of you and got interrupted."

"Oh! Right, of course." Milly laughed, but then a rather awkward silence fell between them. Suzaku watched her curiously for a moment, remembering his and Mao's conversation.

"This is none of my business and you don't have to answer," he said, gently, "but, do you not like Rivalz back?" Milly's eyes widened and she stared Suzaku hard in the face for a long time. He met her gaze unflinchingly, though his heart sped up as he wondered if he'd overstepped. Fortunately,

"It's not that," she said, very quietly, after a moment. The bartender called out their drinks and they stepped up to get them. However, rather than go back outside, Milly stayed where she was, and Suzaku remained with her, still watching her curiously. She took a thoughtful sip of her drink, then looked up at him. "It's more like… These are the best friends I've ever had and, say, just as a thought experiment, Rivalz and I started dating, everything would change."

"I completely understand," said Suzaku with the utmost sympathy. "That's why Lelouch didn't confess to me until a few months ago."

"Really?"

"Mm. He thought it'd ruin our friendship, and I get why; he didn't know how I felt and, well I didn't either." He sighed and took a sip of Lelouch's drink. "I've thought a lot about how things would have gone differently if he'd just told me in high school, and I don't know that it would have worked out, but we could have at least saved ourselves a lot of time and pain, you know?" Milly nodded.

"But say, again as a thought experiment, if you guys break up, what would that mean for us? As your friends?" Suzaku knew what she was actually talking about and smiled reassuringly.

"I like to think Lelouch and I could go back to being friends eventually, and, in any case, you're all adults who can make your own decisions about who you want to spend time with. Unless something really terrible happens there's no picking sides or breaking anything up, right?"

"Kallen and CC always say that," said Milly, quietly.

"Change sucks," said Suzaku, also quietly, "but fighting it sucks way more. I learned that the hard way." Milly laughed.

"I guess you did, huh?" She smiled at Suzaku, and he smiled back.

The rest of the day flew by in a whirl of more play, more conversation, more good food and more strong drinks, and before anyone knew it, it was time to get dressed and open up the Playroom again.

Up in their room, Lelouch stood in front of the mirror, staring at himself in his black dress pants and vinyl vest with lacing up the sides, his contacts and his mask pulled down. "I've been thinking."

"That's dangerous," replied Suzaku, playfully, zipping up his white dress pants. Lelouch turned to face him, arms folded across his chest and feet planted.

"For you, yes," he told him, his voice darkening. Suzaku felt the shift and his eyes widened as they fixed upon Lelouch, who just smirked and took a step forward. "I want to fuck you tied up tonight." They both felt shivers down their spines at the bluntness, and Suzaku clasped his hands in front of him as heat rushed between his legs.

"Really?" he asked, quietly excited. Lelouch stared into Suzaku's eager face, imagining all the expressions he'd made when tied up, his noises, his erection, but now he wouldn't have to hold back, he could do what he wanted, really push him… He took hold of the sides of Suzaku's face and kissed him deeply on the lips.

"Not downstairs, but back up here after," he breathed. Suzaku gasped as more heat rushed between his legs.

"Yes," he moaned softly, compliant and excited for whatever was to come. Lelouch kissed him once more on the lips and took a sharp breath in through his nose, arousal, his own and Suzaku's, flooding his body. He opened his mouth, and Suzaku pressed his tongue inside and reached forward to grip his hips. They stayed there a moment, then Lelouch pulled away, rubbing the tip of his nose against Suzaku's.

"Later," he said, and let go. Suzaku groaned and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, trying to calm down, but, "I'll tie a harness on you now, though." Suzaku's eyes flew open and fixed upon Lelouch standing with a length of white rope in his hand. He must have brought it up from downstairs…

"Yes." Lelouch's eyes darted to Suzaku's erection, clearly visible in his dress pants, then back up to his face. "Take your pants off."

"What?" Lelouch's eyes flashed.

"Take your pants off." Suzaku swallowed and hastened to obey, then stood before Lelouch in his underwear. A soft, evening breeze blew in off their balcony, and his nipples hardened. Lelouch smiled, found the bite of the rope, then tied a knot and draped the loop over Suzaku's shoulders. "Hold this in place." Suzaku obeyed, suddenly finding himself back on the shore of that pool of pure water, and realized just how long it had been and just how happy he was to be back. Lelouch tied a few evenly spaced knots down Suzaku's chest and belly, then his lip curled as he added one more. "Spread your legs." Suzaku closed his eyes in a soft moan, his erection twitching against his underwear and- "Keep your eyes open." Suzaku gasped but obeyed at once, and Lelouch gave him his most commanding look. "Always watch me, Suzaku." Before he could respond, Lelouch kissed him hard on the lips, drew the rope between his legs and threaded it through the loop at his back. Suzaku moaned into their kiss, the sensation of the ropes contrasting beautifully with Lelouch's smooth, purposeful fingers. Lelouch brought the ropes back around to tie the perfect diamond harness, feeling so in control, so powerful and present and focused, but more than anything, in sync with Suzaku, and he loved it. He tied another knot, cinching the harness.

"Ah-!"

"Is that okay?" Lelouch asked, his lips millimeters from Suzaku's.

"Yeah, just, oh…" The knot right between his legs had been forced up, and he could feel it inside, right at his sweet spot. He remembered this sensation from their second session, though he hadn't realized what it was at the time. The water of their scene was now lapping invitingly over his feet and ankles, and he wanted to just dive in, but he had to keep his wits about him, but he was so turned on already, but they had to go back downstairs… He kissed Lelouch before it all became too much, needing to ground himself.

Lelouch felt his arousal like a headrush and was reminded that ultimately, in this dynamic, Suzaku had all the actual control, but also knew that that was okay somehow. He didn't need to have such a tight grip on everything anymore. He could be soft, flexible, and it would be good for both of them. He pulled out of their kiss and asked again, "Is this okay?"

"Yes," Suzaku replied, firmly, and Lelouch secured the ends of the rope. Suzaku sighed, the knots pushing into his soft skin, holding and supporting him.

"Get dressed, then," said Lelouch, in and out of his work voice. Suzaku nodded and redressed in his pants and suit jacket. Lelouch pulled his mask up over his nose and mouth, then took Suzaku by the hand and led him downstairs.

The bar was already crowded and very noisy. People were dressed up in cocktail attire and fetish gear, drinking and dancing and laughing while CC and Kallen, also wearing black vinyl, stood sentinel by the DJ. "I'll see you in a bit," Lelouch told Suzaku, raising their clasped hands and kissing his knuckles through his mask. Suzaku just replied with a smile and disappeared into the crowd to find the rest of their friends.

"Ready?" asked Kallen, smirking.

"Always." CC signaled to the DJ, who turned down the music. The crowd stopped speaking abruptly and turned to face Lelouch, CC and Kallen, the tension in the room tautening excitedly. "How are you all doing?" asked Lelouch in his most enigmatic work voice. "Enjoying your weekend?" Everyone broke into cheers and applause and raised their drinks appreciatively. "That's fucking right. I think you'll all agree, last night went extremely well, so I expect the same tonight. Is that clear?" A shiver ran through the crowd and those who didn't cheer called,

"Yes, sir!" and Mao moaned, "Yes, Daddy!" However, Lelouch chose to believe it was just an auditory hallucination.

"Be good," CC told the room with delicate warning in her voice while Kallen smirked and cracked her knuckles threateningly. A few people laughed, some gasped, others moaned, but it barely registered over more applause.

Lelouch, Kallen and CC then led their staff and most eager guests across the lobby and opened the doors to the Playroom. Like the night before, smoke from the fog machine seeped out, and those people with red glow necklaces walked in, followed by their guests. In the bar, the DJ turned up the music again, and those who'd remained resumed dancing and talking. Lelouch did a cursory walk through the Playroom and checked in with CC and Kallen before making his way back to the bar, nodding at everyone who caught his eye. He spotted Rivalz and Mao, apparently teaching Suzaku to twostep. It was adorable, though he wondered how it'd feel with the harness… He had a sudden flashback to the warehouse parties and shows of his misspent youth. Had anything actually changed? Aside from everything, nothing really.

He ordered water from the bartender, then felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned and found himself face to face with Shirley, holding a drink in her hand and wearing a flattering cocktail dress with a star harness tied around her chest. He pulled down his mask. "Hey, you look great!"

"Thanks! Um, can I talk to you for a second?"

"Yes of course." They stepped into the dining room, which was empty except for people going from the deck to the Playroom. He waited a moment, and when Shirley didn't say anything, "Did you tie that harness yourself?"

"Yes, what do you think?"

"I'm impressed." Shirley smiled, though it didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Thanks." A moment's silence passed. "So, you and Suzaku, huh?" Lelouch nodded. "For how long?" He blushed.

"Since late February, but it's been a long time coming."

"I should have known."

"That's what I keep hearing." Another moment's silence, during which Shirley appeared to gather herself.

"I need to tell you something or it's going to drive me nuts forever."

"You can tell me anything," he said, wondering what on Earth she could be talking about.

"Promise you won't laugh?"

"I promise." Shirley smiled, though it still didn't reach her eyes, then took a deep, steadying breath.

"I'd sort of hoped that… now I'm single again it… well that it would have been me!" She went very red, and Lelouch just stared at her in stunned silence, his heart aching for her and his stomach squirming guiltily. "I guess that's silly now," she continued, still smiling without her eyes.

"No! I had no idea, I'm so sorry, I-" Shirley put her first two fingers to his lips, which shut him up at once.

"Don't be, please. I'm not trying to start problems or ask anything by telling you, I just needed to get it out. Does that make sense?"

"It does make sense," Lelouch assured her, because it obviously did. "How long have you felt this way?" And how had he not known? Shirley tilted her head to the side.

"A while I think. I guess that's why my ex was so weird about you." Lelouch's stomach squirmed guiltily again.

"I'm sorry," he told her, and he meant it. "I never wanted to hurt you, or-"

"You didn't," Shirley interrupted. "It's not your fault I never told you, and when I saw Suzaku kiss you today I realized it was all more in my head anyway, you know?" Lelouch nodded. "Regardless, I'm really, really happy for the two of you, so please don't feel like you have to hold back because of me! I promise you, I'm okay."

"You mean that?" asked Lelouch, feeling rather humbled by her grace and selflessness. Shirley nodded eagerly.

"I mean that."

"Thank you," Lelouch told her, with all his heart. Shirley smiled, and it finally lit up her whole face. She stood on tiptoe and kissed Lelouch on the cheek.

"Friends?"

"Friends forever." They clinked their glasses together and took sips of their drinks. Lelouch wanted to tell her just how much he admired her strength, but before he could even begin to put it into words, Shirley clapped him on the shoulder.

"Well don't get sad on me! We're at a sex party, for goodness sake!" Lelouch burst out laughing and she seized his arm and dragged him back into the bar.

"We'll get you to a show this summer, for sure!" Rivalz cried. He slapped Suzaku hard on the back with his beer free hand, then cried out and shook it. "Ow! I fucking hit one of the knots!"

"Are you okay?!" Suzaku exclaimed, while Mao doubled over laughing.

"I'm fine, but-"

"Hey!" The three of them turned to see Milly, looking very pretty in a cocktail dress with a plunging neckline and heels. Rivalz stopped fussing with his hand and discreetly looked her up and down.

"Hi!" they all said together, but then Mao grabbed Suzaku's arm.

"We'll see you two later, we're gonna go play!" He waggled his eyebrows and dragged Suzaku away.

"Smooth," he muttered. Mao smirked.

"I try to be!" Suzaku was more than ready to dispute this, but then Mao pulled him into the Playroom and he was completely distracted. The air was already thick with sweat and voices, and he was suddenly and viscerally aware of the ropes against his skin. He'd managed to ignore them at the bar, listening to music and dancing and drinking, but now, when he could see a foursome on a mattress, CC suspending someone in shibari from the tripod frame, two people taking turns caning someone on the submission horse… Every knot reminded him teasingly of what was to come and of the fact he'd have to wait hours. "Yo, check that out," Mao muttered to Suzaku, and they headed through the room.

A pretty woman was sitting on a mattress with her feet up on her gagged and blindfolded boyfriend like he was a footstool, running a violet wand up and down another woman's forearm. "Nice, right?" she asked, when she closed her eyes and let out a satisfied groan.

"So nice… Thank you." She smiled dreamily at Suzaku and Mao, then sauntered off.

"Can we have a turn?" asked Mao, and the woman smiled.

"Sure." Mao pushed Suzaku forward, smirking, and he blushed, but rolled up his sleeve and held out his arm. The woman pressed the bulb of the violet wand against his inner forearm. Suzaku gasped at the electric sensation, and every knot seemed to vibrate excitedly.

"Color?" the woman asked, lazily.

"Green," said Suzaku, getting hard immediately. She turned up the voltage and pressed it against his inner forearm again. He shuddered and gasped, and she smirked. "Good, isn't it?"

"Yes," he replied, because it fucking was. "Thank you." She smiled and dragged it up her boyfriend's lower back. Suzaku rubbed his arm tenderly, then looked around for Mao, but he'd disappeared into the crowd. Suzaku wondered where he'd gone, but then the sound of a whip cracked the air like a gunshot, followed by cheers and applause. Suzaku hurried to investigate, passing a woman riding her heavily tattooed boyfriend on another mattress, gripping his hair so tightly her knuckles were white and holding a knife to his throat.

Suzaku flushed and continued through the sweaty, foggy room to find the source of the noise to be Kallen. His eyes widened as he took in the scene: she had a young man cuffed to the Saint Andrew's Cross and was striking him with a whip. The lashes on his back were bright red against his pale skin and blonde hair, but no, some of them were dark already, they must have been from last night. She gave him one last, hard crack with the whip, the surrounding crowd cheered, and she bowed before placing her hand gently on the back of his neck. Suzaku moved in closer and heard her tell him, "You did so well, that was amazing, I'm so proud of you…" The young man's toes curled against the floor and Suzaku felt fresh heat rush between his legs, thinking of those words in Lelouch's voice. The crowd continued to watch as Kallen uncuffed the young man, still assuring him he'd done well, and when he turned, his face was flushed and tear streaked, but dreamy, uplifted, proud. Kallen stood on tip toe to rub her thumbs under his eyes. "And what do you say?"

"Th-thank you…"

"That's right." He smiled, gave an ironic bow to the crowd, who all broke into more applause, and walked back through the room, swaying slightly. Kallen gave the assembled crowd a rather threatening smile, then caught Suzaku's eye and approached him, rolling up her whip. "Having a good time?" she asked, while a new group rushed up to use the Saint Andrew's Cross.

"Yes," said Suzaku, uncomfortably aware of how turned on he was. "That looked painful…"

"That's kind of the point." She smirked, her energy burning and pulsing like a wildfire. "Do you wanna try?"

"I, I mean, I should probably ask Lelouch first," he replied, his erection throbbing. Kallen laughed.

"He'd love that." She picked up her drink from the window sill and downed half of it in one gulp.

"I'm also not sure if it's a good idea with this," Suzaku continued, rubbing the knots of his harness tenderly. Kallen smirked.

"I mean it could be, but…" Her eyes flashed, and Suzaku took a sharp breath in.

"What the fuck are you two doing?" Lelouch asked, smiling behind his mask as he appeared suddenly beside Suzaku.

"Suzaku just watched me flog someone bloody and was curious to try it," Kallen said, conversationally. "With your permission, of course." Lelouch raised his eyebrows at her enthusiasm.

"Is that right?" he asked in his work voice. Suzaku flushed and felt the knots press into his skin.

"Only if it's okay with you! I-" but Lelouch and Kallen were laughing.

"I'm not upset, don't worry," Lelouch assured him, taking his hand and kissing his knuckles through his mask. "Do you want to try it?"

"I…"

"Here," said Kallen, shoving her whip at Lelouch. She placed her hand gently against his cheek. "Color?" Suzaku swallowed, positive she could feel his blush.

"Green…" Kallen smiled approvingly.

"Can I slap you lightly?" Suzaku looked to Lelouch, who nodded.

"Yes." Kallen gave him a playful slap which resonated through his body, and he let out a soft, excited gasp. Lelouch bit his lip behind his mask, viscerally aware of Suzaku's arousal in his own body.

"Color?" Kallen asked, smirking, her energy blazing.

"Green."

"Again?"

"Harder…" Lelouch closed his eyes for a moment, but then nodded. Kallen's eyes flashed. She drew her hand back and slapped Suzaku so hard the sound echoed through the room.

"NICE!" someone in another scene called.

"Fuck!" cried Suzaku, his mind blanking blissfully as his face burned and erection throbbed almost painfully. Lelouch bit harder into his lip, his exhales hot under his mask.

"Good?" asked Kallen, her voice oozing satisfaction.

"Yes," gasped Suzaku, and Kallen smiled approvingly. "And what do you say?"

"Thank you…"

"That's right." She smiled at Lelouch and snatched her whip back from him before turning to the crowd. "WHO ELSE WANTS SOME?!" Immediately people rushed forward and Lelouch grabbed Suzaku by the hand and pulled him away, through the quiet dining room and out onto the deck.

It was surprisingly crowded; people were soaking in the hot tub and relaxing in deck chairs, Lelouch's private client and her husband were dipping their feet in the pool with another couple and two of the young men from the band he'd checked in yesterday were sitting on a glider with beers, pushing it back and forth. Down at the dock, Milly and Rivalz stood together under the flood light. However, Lelouch ignored everyone to pull down his mask and press Suzaku up against a closed glass door. He kissed him softly where Kallen had slapped him, then hard on the lips. The two young men stopped pushing the glider to watch.

"You like that? Getting slapped?" asked Lelouch in a low voice. Suzaku moaned, loving how forthcoming and possessive he was acting.

"I, I'm-" Lelouch hooked his fingers through the ropes and yanked him forward, pressing the knots harder into his skin.

"Yes?" Suzaku moaned, his toes curling in his dress shoes.

"I'm so turned on," he admitted, and saying it out loud seemed to make it all the more true. Lelouch's eyes flashed, but he smiled, his whole body lighting up.

"Good." Suzaku moaned softly again and tried to kiss Lelouch, but, "No. We'll be done in a few hours, then I'll give you what you really want." Suzaku took deep breaths, though the promise made his erection throb almost painfully hard.

"I can wait," he said.

"That's fucking right." And with that, Lelouch turned away to head back inside the party, pulling his mask back on and leaving Suzaku gasping. As he got his wits about him, he saw the two guys on the glider kissing passionately.

At around 2 AM, after another amazing night had wound down, Lelouch, CC and Kallen checked in with their staff, then closed the Playroom. CC and Kallen bid Lelouch good night in the lobby, then headed back upstairs together. He took off his mask and walked into the bar to find Suzaku waiting for him, fidgeting excitedly. They smiled at each other as Lelouch approached.

"Ready?" he asked.

"God yes," Suzaku replied. Lelouch took his hand.

"Let's go upstairs, then."