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It was easier with Mal gone. It wasn’t the first time she’d thought it, and she felt like a traitor every time, but it was true. She was still sad, still heartbroken by their disastrous end, but didn’t feel quite so all-encompassing, so crushing, when she didn’t have to stare at his moping face, or watch him kiss Zoya, or stand by as he marched himself to self-destruction. It was easier to heal when she didn’t have his presence slicing open the wound in her heart again and again. He’d left weeks ago and she felt like maybe it was beginning to scab over.
But it was easier without him for another reason as well. With Mal gone, Alina felt free from pretense – or at least as free as she could be. No one expected her to be little Alina of Keramzin. She didn’t have to lie about her desire for the third amplifier or hide how badly she wanted to be the saviour Ravka believed her to be. She didn’t have to feel guilty for spending time with Nikolai or pretend that she didn’t enjoy it. Alina only had to be the Sun Summoner, and that was beginning to feel more natural every day.
Alina stretched out on the grass, laying back to watch the sunset dancing through the clouds. It was the first mild evening since Belyanoch had started, the first sign that autumn was coming. She wondered if she could use her power to play with the sunset – draw out more vibrant pinks or slash them through with golden rays. She was about to lift her hands to experiment when she heard soft footfalls in the grass, but she knew she was safe. There were only two people that Tamar would allow to approach her unannounced, and one of them was currently somewhere in the foothills of the Sikurzoi.
“There you are.”
Alina felt a warm smile spread across her face at the sound of Nikolai’s voice as he plopped down in the grass beside her.
He ran his fingers over the grass, plucking a few blades from the earth and rubbing them between his fingertips before wrinkling his nose.
“Really, Alina? You couldn’t even bring a blanket to lay on?” he huffed, though it was clear from his tone that he didn’t truly mean a word. “Your peasant upbringing is showing.”
She rolled her eyes at him. “ Please . I’ve been aboard your ships, Sturmhond, I don’t believe you have any aversion to a little dirt.”
He held one hand over his heart and let his jaw drop open in a feint of insult. “The Volkvolny was pristine, thank you very much!”
She raised an eyebrow. “And the whaler?”
“Was not mine, so I can hardly be held accountable for the state of it,” Nikolai sniffed.
“Mhmm,” Alina hummed, having little else to say.
Despite his imaginary aversion, Nikolai lay back in the grass beside her. One hand was draped across his stomach, but the other – the one that was closer to her – rested in the grass, his fingertips barely an inch from hers.
Alina felt the distance between them as though there were a crackling thread of lightning spanning it. She was startlingly aware of him, in a way that was almost reminiscent of how she had felt drawn to the Darkling in those first days. Like she’d always known where he was whenever he was within a certain radius of her. But she realised now that with the Darkling it was about power. Like calls to like. And there was something similar about them, some kind of commonality that came from their opposite natures. But with Nikolai… well, Alina wasn’t sure what force drew her to him, but it had nothing to do with power.
She glanced at him now. She’d never seen him so still. There was something off-putting about it.
“Is everything alright?” she asked, turning her head to the side so she could see him better.
“Quite,” he answered, almost sounding confused by her question.
“You seemed to be looking for me…” Alina said softly, feeling compelled to offer some kind of explanation.
“Oh.”
She thought she saw the barest hint of a blush creeping across his cheeks, but Alina knew better. Nikolai Lantsov, Prince of Ravka, did not blush over plain little peasant girls, even if they were commanding the Second Army.
“Well, it can’t have been anything important,” he said, staring resolutely at the clouds, “because this sunset has chased any memory of it from my mind.”
They sat in silence for a minute, which Alina found just as disturbing as his stillness. It was unlike Nikolai to not be moving and mouthing off every moment that he was awake. He shifted slightly and the side of his finger brushed every-so-gently against her hand, resting there with the lightest of touches. She wondered if it was on purpose as her heart thundered in her chest.
“There was a meadow,” Alina said suddenly, saying the first thing that came to mind when the silence became too suffocating. “In Keramzin. Mal and I would go there sometimes. A lot.”
Nikolai took her hand, squeezing it gently.
Alina smiled. “It’s fine, I’m not… upset or anything. I don’t know why I even thought of it,” she continued. “It’s just… when we were kids we would sneak away to hide from Ana Kuya and from chores and everything and we would lay in the tall grass so no one could see us and we would play silly games. Spotting shapes in the clouds and stuff.”
Nikolai sighed, looking up at the sky. “When I was a boy, I wanted to fly so badly. I longed to be up in the clouds. I would climb trees and hang from the branches, pretending that the breeze would catch me and lift me into the sky the moment I let go.”
Alina turned to look at him. “Why didn’t you ask a Squaller to lift you into the air?”
Nikolai opened his mouth and then closed it with a little snap , his eyebrows furrowing in a frown. “Do you know, I never thought of it.”
Alina snorted in disbelief.
“But I’m sure Squallers that powerful were too busy to bother with a little prince anyway,” he continued, his voice as casual as a shrug.
“I would think you of all people could convince them to spare a few minutes,” she teased.
“Hours, more like,” he replied. “Maybe now, but as a child I was not quite as skilled at –”
“– Manipulation?” she offered.
“Diplomacy,” he corrected, flashing her a wry smile. He fell silent again, a strangely contemplative mood settling around them.
But Alina didn’t want to think, to give herself over to the depths of her mind. So she allowed herself to simply do what felt instinctual in that moment. She scooted closer to him, turning onto her side so she could rest her head on Nikolai’s shoulder and drape one arm over his chest. She told herself that it could be a platonic gesture, that it didn’t mean anything. Besides, Nikolai wanted everyone to believe that they were all but betrothed. She was just playing her part.
Deep down, though, Alina couldn’t deny how comfortable it felt to sit with him like this, leaning against him as his fingertips traced idle patterns on her shoulders. She wasn’t worried that he was afraid of her, and despite his various manipulations, she knew exactly what it was he wanted from her. He’d been very upfront about that. He was, against all odds, not confusing.
“What if I told you that I came looking for you just because I wanted to spend time with you?” Nikolai asked, the bravado that was usually in his voice replaced by something that seemed altogether more vulnerable.
“Careful, Nikolai,” she answered, though her heart had begun to feel erratic, “or I might start to think that you court me because you like me, rather than for political alliance.”
“Alina…” he murmured, his breath ghosting over the top of her head.
She waited for more, for a confession or a daring action, but the longer she waited, the more foolish she felt. Of course he wasn’t going to blurt out that he was madly in love with her. But she shouldn’t feel so disappointed. She had no right to.
“Do you believe in fate?” he asked, pulling her from her thoughts. “Destiny? The power of the universe?” He paused for a moment. “Soulmates?”
Alina lifted herself up onto her elbow so she could see his face. “Why do you ask?”
“I just wonder…” He sighed. “What if something that started out as a mad scheme is somehow… meant to be? You were born to be a queen, but what if the universe knew that and… I don’t know, made us for each other as well?”
Alina found herself at a loss for words, not sure that she was hearing him right.
Nikolai frowned at her silence, clearly interpreting it as rejection. “It’s a foolish thought, don’t mind me.”
“It’s not foolish,” she said, finally finding her voice. “Nikolai, I… I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Well, I suppose ‘maybe’ is more than I would have gotten a few weeks ago,” he mused, trying to inject his usual playfulness into the words but there was a sourness in his tone and he was adamantly looking anywhere but at her.
“I didn’t know you felt that way,” she whispered, unsure of how to communicate what was going on inside her mind when she had so little idea of how she felt or what she wanted.
He propped himself up on an elbow as well, and Alina’s breath hitched at how close he was.
“I think anyone who saw the real you would fall madly in love, Alina,” he stated, his gaze meeting hers and making something flare to life inside her.
“Not everyone,” she replied, a halfhearted wave of sadness washing over her. She regretted the words as soon as she said them, watching a flicker of pain cross Nikolai’s face before he settled a mask in place. “But maybe that’s the point. Maybe there’s only one person who will see us all for who we are and loves us anyway.”
“Sounds an awful lot like soulmates,” Nikolai remarked, quirking an eyebrow and letting one corner of his mouth twitch upward.
“Maybe it does,” she breathed. “Nikolai –”
“I like how you say my name,” he interrupted, shifting just a little bit closer to her. It might have been an imperceptible movement if she weren’t so attuned to the distance between them, like her power had nothing to do with sunlight and everything to do with knowing how far he was from her.
“Nikolai…” she repeated, and she would have sworn to anyone that asked that she meant for it to come out like a warning, not like a desperate appeal for more.
He grinned, all cocky and lopsided, and let his hand rest on her hip. His head dipped closer and suddenly Alina felt like the whole world was hazy and heavy and she wanted nothing more than to close her eyes and lean into Nikolai.
“Alina…” he whispered, and saints , when he said her name like that it was a hundred times more intoxicating than kvas.
His lips found her jaw and Alina felt the whole world melt away around her. She couldn’t have told you where she was or what time of day it was for all the gold in Ravka. All she knew was the feel of Nikolai’s lips brushing along her skin, the weight of his hand as it slid from her hip to the small of her back. The moment he kissed the corner of her lips, she was chasing him, searching for more. Maybe she had lost all reason, but Alina wasn’t sure anything could have convinced her to care in that moment. Nothing else mattered to her, only that their lips should meet as soon as humanly possible. She could feel him trying not to smile, and he quickly gave in to her efforts, kissing her soundly as they gasped at the contact.
Nikolai pulled her closer. His nose slid over her cheek affectionately and then he kissed her again. Alina thought she could drown in his touch. The way he held her made her forget all about arranged proposals or putting on a show. She knew this was real.
But knowing that whatever existed between them was real instilled a new kind of terror in her. Alina lay her palms flat against his chest, pushing softly against him.
He pulled away, looking away from her and trying not to frown.
Alina knew what he was thinking – that she had pushed him away because it was still Mal that she wanted – but he was wrong. She just needed to find a way to explain it to him. Taking a moment to collect herself, to shake off the high of his kiss, she brushed her hands across the front of his shirt, smoothing out wrinkles that had appeared where her fingers had grasped the fabric.
“Nikolai,” she began, waiting for him to meet her gaze before she continued. “The Darkling already used Mal and I against each other, held us hostage and manipulated us. You saw it. We were so vulnerable because of what we felt for each other. I can’t put myself in that position again, especially once I have the third amplifier. We each have far too much power to leave ourselves exposed because of how we feel for each other.”
Nikolai smiled, but there was something wrong about it. He didn’t look happy or like he’d just outwitted someone or made a fantastic joke. His eyes were downcast and dim, clouds rolling through them. “I think it’s already too late.”
Alina swallowed thickly, a lump in her throat made up of her agreement. She could deny it all she wanted, try to preserve their chances and eliminate weaknesses, but she knew there was very little she wouldn’t do to save Nikolai.
Still, he sank back in the grass, looking up at the sky once more.
Alina mirrored his pose, but as she lay back, she took his hand in hers and threaded their fingers together. A little reward for being vulnerable with her. Alina didn’t know how all of this was going to end – she didn’t know if they would all survive or if the saints were out there manipulating everything in the name of soulmates. She didn’t know if she could love Nikolai the same way she loved Mal or if love was inherently different for every person. She didn’t know if any of that even mattered.
But laying next to Nikolai with their fingers intertwined and a magnificent sunset overhead was so blissful that Alina didn’t care about all of the things she didn’t know. She just wanted to enjoy this moment of contentedness while it lasted.
Nikolai, on the other hand, seemed to have reached the limit of his ability to sit still. He sat up, rolling his shoulders slightly and glancing around the grounds. He didn’t appear to be looking for anything in particular, but Alina wondered if it was as much a habit for him as it was for her now. Check your surroundings, assess your safety. Or maybe he was just looking to see if anyone was paying attention to them so he knew whether to put on a show.
“Could I entice you to have dinner with me?” he asked, twisting to look at her with a charming smile.
“What enticement do you have to offer?” Alina replied, playing along with his little game.
“The pleasure of my company, of course.” He paused and leaned in a little, smiling conspiratorially as he lowered his voice. “And the promise of no herring.”
“They wouldn’t…” she gasped, narrowing her eyes at him. Alina had specifically decreed that there would be no more herring for the Grisha. She’d had more than her fair share in the months that she had lived at the Little Palace as a Grisha.
“Do you want to take that chance?” Nikolai raised an eyebrow. He stood without breaking eye contact, still waiting for her response.
“Perhaps I should just march over to the kitchens and have a word with the servants,” she threatened half-heartedly as she accepted his proffered hand and allowed him to pull her to her feet. “I should ensure that they follow my orders, shouldn’t I?”
“Hmm…” Nikolai hummed softly, pretending to consider her question as he began to meander toward the Grand Palace. “Perhaps you might let it slide, just this once. Let the Grisha have their herring and enjoy a lovely meal of goose with me instead.”
“Will Vasily be there?” Alina asked.
“And spoil our appetites?” he replied, wrinkling his nose. “No, I think not.”
“What a shame,” she teased, “I was hoping to tell him that I accept his proposal.”
“Do you know, I’m beginning to worry that you might be unwell, perhaps I should take you back to the Little Palace and ask the kitchens to prepare some herring soup to get you well again,” he said.
“What can I say?” Alina answered, adopting a light and airy tone as she pretended to be hopelessly taken with Vasily. “There’s just something about his incompetence that really gets me going.”
Nikolai burst out laughing and a heartbeat later Alina found herself infected with the giggles as well. They stopped walking for a moment, laughing too hard to do anything else but cling to each other and try to breathe. As their laughter dissolved, it was replaced by a strange tension that hung in the air like an impending thunderstorm. Before Alina could consider what it meant, Nikolai’s arm was winding around her waist, pulling her close. His lips crashed into hers, all the tenderness from earlier vanishing in favour of blazing heat. Nikolai was gone again a moment later, stepping back from her and trying to step back into his usual confident mask.
Alina had been joking about Vasily – she would have been more tempted to marry the Apparat than the Crown Prince – but clearly she had struck a nerve with Nikolai. Despite his swagger, he seemed to have some doubts, at least when the right buttons were pushed. Alina wondered if this kiss had been driven by a desperate need to remind her of how things felt between them, or an even more feral desire to claim her before she slipped away from him. She could understand that, in a way.
Alina took Nikolai’s hand, turning back toward the Grand Palace. “So, dinner?”
“Mmm,” he hummed thoughtfully, but then seemed to shake off whatever thoughts had been consuming him. “Perhaps I’ll point out Vasily’s quarters for you, should you wish to pay him a visit.”
She snorted at the implication. “I’m sure I could find some use for that knowledge.”
It was a threat, even if it wasn’t very serious. For a moment, Alina considered that it was a shame that she didn’t know how Genya had poisoned the King, because they could have made it look like it was something inherited by Vasily. Then perhaps all the rumours about Nikolai’s parentage might be to their advantage. But she didn’t think that Nikolai was ready to explore the possibility of fratricide, so she kept that thought to herself.
“Might I suggest toads in the bed?” Nikolai said lightly, ignoring the real implications of her statement. “It’s a bit cliche, but very effective.”
“I’ll bear that in mind,” she replied, allowing herself to join in his game again. “Maybe I could shine a beam of light onto his eyes all night long.”
Nikolai grinned at the suggestion. They continued in that way, exchanging ideas for pranking Vasily that got progressively more absurd the closer they got to the Grand Palace.
Once again, Alina found herself genuinely enjoying Nikolai’s company, grateful for the levity that he brought her. It was nice to laugh and be silly at times, a reminder of the person beneath the titles of Sun Summoner and Sankta and Commander of the Second Army. He made it so easy for her to be all things.
Sometimes, Alina wondered if she was foolish for being concerned about something as selfish as love in the middle of everything going on. What did it matter whether she wanted to be with Nikolai or Mal when the Darkling was threatening to tear all of Ravka to pieces? Did she even have a right to pursue a life with Mal when an alliance with Nikolai was good for her people? She should be focused on leading the Second Army and preparing for what came next, but no amount of determination seemed to be able to keep her feelings at bay. And when she looked at Nikolai, walking next to her with an easy, genuine smile on his face, a fluttering feeling in her stomach, Alina wasn’t at all sure she wanted to keep her feelings at bay.