Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

August 2018

'Hyung!'

Yoongi didn't have to look up from his phone to know which one of them Jungkook was calling out for. Sometimes, when they were all in the same room together, he had to lift his head or open one eye lazily if he was dozing to check if Jungkook wanted him or if he was asking for Jin or Hobi or really, any one of the other guys. Anyone but Namjoon. It was always so obvious when it was him, when Jungkook's voice was dripping with adoration and awe and respect. As if Namjoon were somehow larger than life. As if he held the power to either crush or elate Jungkook entirely with his response and yet there was no risk that Jungkook would rather take. As if just being allowed to speak to their leader were a gift Jungkook couldn't help but marvel at every time he remembered it had been given to him.

Sometimes, Yoongi wondered if that was what his own voice sounded like when he said Jungkook's name.

Namjoon's hummed reply was slow, distracted, and Yoongi momentarily kind of hated him for it.

'Look at the picture,' Jungkook demanded, but despite the urgency in his voice it took a long moment before Yoongi could hear someone moving around on the couch across the room that he knew both of them were sitting on. He'd only see it through the mirror he was sat in front of, and anyways, his eyes were glued to his notes app that showed him unfinished lyrics he had agonised over for days.

'Wow, looks great.'

The words were undoubtedly honest, but they didn't sound enthusiastic enough to satisfy someone like Jungkook; a feat that was nearly impossible to accomplish even when he was looking for approval less eagerly than he was now. Jungkook had been taking pictures the entire day, eager to capture as many memories as possible, and Namjoon's halfhearted attempt at validation was clearly going to eat at him now.

Swallowing a sigh, Yoongi sat up straighter in his chair even though it made his stylist pull back before she could continue drawing her make up brush over the same spot she had been working on for a while. A glance into the mirror confirmed that, predictably, Jungkook's face didn't show any of the excitement his voice had just suggested. He was looking down at his own phone now and was biting his lower lip in contemplation. Before Yoongi could hold out a hand and make Jungkook cross the room to show him the picture—the most effort he would make on a concert day on which he had to pace his energy—Jimin came up behind Jungkook to rest his chin on his shoulder.

'Wow, Jungkookie!' he exclaimed, satisfying something embarrassingly needy in Yoongi. 'You're like a professional. Why do we even have a camera team with us on tour when you can just do all their work?'

Jimin leaned further over the couch to examine the tiny screen on Jungkook's camera, one of his hands ruffling the cherry red hair that was sticking out from underneath Jungkook's drawn up hood. Next to them, Namjoon had gone back to studying the setlist of tonight's opening show. He shrugged Jimin off when he playfully reached his free hand out to slide his hood up to make him mirror Jungkook, a wide smile of amusement on his face.

'Come on, leave it,' Namjoon complained with the same halfhearted effort he'd shown Jungkook. Yoongi had known all along that it hadn't been personal, but a result of him being focused on his preparation, and really, Yoongi could relate. He behaved this way around the other members all the time. A little too disinterested and tired of their constant playfulness. And still he hated how Namjoon waving off Jimin's attempts at affectionately ruffling his hair suddenly made Jungkook do the same and throw off the arm Jimin still had around him.

It wasn't a new development that, at times, Jungkook imitated Namjoon as if he was trying to become his mirror image. Yoongi had taken note of the same behaviour around any of the members before. However, what was new was the way in which something ugly twisted in Yoongi's stomach at the sight of it. He was well aware that Namjoon deserved every bit of admiration Jungkook could muster up for him, and yet seeing it this overtly made him avert his eyes and swallow against the frustration that rose inside of him.

'Twenty minutes,' a voice sounded from the door, curt and with an undertone of nerves. Sometimes Yoongi forgot that it wasn't just the seven of them alone who shouldered the pressure of a concert like this. Seoul Olympic Stadium was filled to the brim with a crowd larger than Yoongi would have ever seen before. And there were only twenty minutes to go until he would head on stage to kick off the largest, most intense stretch of touring they had ever gone through.

Yoongi took a calming breath and rolled his left shoulder elaborately enough that it made his stylist take a step back again to let him move. Apparently she decided that she was done when she looked at him from afar as she didn't return, but instead only picked at the white collar of his shirt in his neck for a moment before she nodded in satisfaction. Her hands stayed on his shoulders for a short moment, as if to silently wish him well, then she stepped back with a bow while Yoongi thanked her for her work.

He had gotten used to his stage make up over the years, so what was more new to him was the all white outfit he had never worn before except for at the fitting and one single practice. He didn't mind it, but he had a feeling that he'd be fighting blisters after a few performances as his shoes felt slightly too tight. He had already given their crew a heads up and there would be a new pair waiting for him in New York next week. For the two Seoul shows, they would have to do.

A look over at the couch showed him that it was empty now except for Jimin who was uncharacteristically already dressed and ready to go, and who had picked up Namjoon's setlist to study it. Namjoon himself was across the room now wrestling into his own white shirt with the help of a stylist. Still next to him was Jungkook. He was messing around with a Noona by not allowing her to reach for his bright pink hair that he had probably mussed up this badly by taking off his hoodie. He was all in white now, too. Apparently he had already worn his stage attire underneath, else he'd be shirtless now like Namjoon was.

His hair reminded Yoongi of spring. It made him look younger than he was and assumed a sense of playfulness that was underlined by the bright smile on his face. Jungkook got just as nervous as they all did before a show, but usually it only hit him once they all gathered for a few final words. For Yoongi it was the other way around. He often felt sick at random moments throughout a show day whenever he remembered something he'd have to focus or do better on, but the closer it got to the show the more he knew there was nothing he could do other than enjoy it. The moment he stepped on stage, he hardly ever felt nervous anymore the way he had during their debut days.

Yoongi's line of sight to Jungkook was blocked when his physio came up right in front of him with a roll of tape in his hand.

'Are you good?' he asked, his tone casual. 'Can you move well enough?'

Again, Yoongi rolled his shoulder. The tape hugging his skin was something he had gotten just as used to as the make up. It was part of going on stage as without it, he'd find himself spending even more time with his physio massaging out the pain than he already did regardless.

'It's good,' he nodded. 'Thanks.'

'My knee is giving me trouble,' Namjoon called from a few feet away, not unkindly. His shirt was now half buttoned up. As their physio moved, Yoongi could see that Jungkook's eyes instantly held a hint of concern as he took in their leader who seemed perfectly fine to Yoongi, his tone having been light. Jungkook's gaze dropped down to Namjoon's chest for a moment, then further down to his knee as Namjoon started to describe a slight pull in the back of his thigh during soundcheck.

'Hey, Jungkook-ah!'

Jungkook's gaze moved towards Yoongi easily. His Noona was reaching for his hair again and this time he let her, only he was focused on Yoongi now and turned away from her.

'Show me your picture.'

The smile on Jungkook's face was soft and sweet, and it ached in Yoongi's chest stupidly. His Noona sighed when he started moving, but momentarily Yoongi didn't care. He watched Jungkook come towards him, his thumb swiping through the pictures on his phone to find the one he had wanted to show off earlier. When he held it out to Yoongi, Yoongi took his entire phone out of his hand to properly study what he was being shown.

'Wow,' he mumbled. It wasn't pretence, either. The screen on Jungkook's phone was broken in one corner, but still it didn't disturb the beauty of the picture he had taken of the arena earlier. From the stage, the rows of seats seemed endless. The slight rain they had soundchecked in should have made them look gloomy, but there was a ray of sunlight that Jungkook had captured just right so that it fell perfectly onto the thrust stage and made the wet seats glisten like pure gold. There was something hopeful about the picture, something that captured the excitement that Yoongi felt for the show despite how they had feared it wouldn't happen due to the typhoon that had hit the city only a day prior.

'It looks amazing,' he said after a moment. 'You should share it.'

Jungkook nodded thoughtfully as he took his phone back.

'Maybe. I'm thinking of doing my own documentary piece of the tour. I can put it on YouTube. So maybe I'll save it for that.'

Yoongi didn't comment on how, to his own taste, there were already enough cameras around them. Throughout the upcoming months, they would be followed by a whole media team to capture their life on tour for not only a documentary, but a whole film as far as Yoongi knew. Whatever content wouldn't make it into there would likely be released in other formats. There would be little privacy. But Yoongi held back those words when he was faced with Jungkook's excited look of anticipation.

'You're good at that,' he said instead. 'I'd love to watch it.'

With his smile wider than before, Jungkook sat down in the chair next to him to finally allow his stylist to fix his bubblegum hair. Yoongi watched her work for a moment until he found himself envying her. As soon as he understood his train of thought he got up and faced away from Jungkook who had started to swipe through his picture gallery as he tried to stay still.

It was always hard to find a quiet space backstage and so Yoongi opted to use the bathroom where he was by himself for a few minutes and stared into the mirror by the sinks. Some days, he hardly noticed anymore how the scale on which he did music had grown infinitely. It had been such a natural process, it was easy for him to accept it as his new reality. However, there were moments in which it hit him with more force than he had anticipated, and seeing the stadium earlier had been one of them.

The tour they were about to embark on was going to change everything, and today marked the beginning of it. Their opening night, the first show of so many. Love Yourself would take them out of Asia to North America and Europe with a second leg in South America and Australia already confirmed and an extension being hinted at. They would be traveling for over a year with only a few short breaks being planned in Seoul. Nothing they had ever done before compared to what was coming, and while Yoongi felt sure of it, confident in light of what they had prepared, it still messed with his head sometimes that this was no dream.

The shows were what he had to focus on during the upcoming months, he told himself. Whatever personal baggage he brought with him had to stay behind in Seoul. By the time they would return next fall, they would all be different people. He'd no longer agonise over the tone of Jungkook's voice when he said Namjoon's name, or the way in which he had recently grown to imitate his aversion to skinship. Maybe in a year, Yoongi would have finally learned not to care.

By the time he returned to the dressing room, the others were already waiting for him. A venue worker eagerly clapped her hands and called them over to the door to where Yoongi already was, so he only adjusted his mic and joined the group when they started to move down the hallway he had just come from. Next to him, Hobi looked sick with nerves and he made sure to run his hand over his back briefly for comfort. Hobi hardly seemed to notice it.

Over the sound of Taehyung singing the same line of Singularity over and over again to warm up and Jin chatting loudly with a sound engineer about some last minute adjustments, Namjoon called for them to gather around in a circle once they reached the lift that would thrust them up onto the stage in only two short minutes as a young woman with a clipboard and a radio in her hand reminded them. This part was familiar again and Yoongi held out his hand to let the tips of his fingers meet those of the others.

'Guys,' Namjoon spoke over them all with an air of both certainty and nerves, 'Enjoy this one. This is only just the beginning. This is home, so make sure to savour every moment of it. Let's kick this off with a bang!'

Yoongi couldn't help it when his eyes found Jungkook who was standing opposite him with his hand outstretched in the same way as his own. His lips were glistening with lipgloss, his eyes were wide and just as shiny in the low light. He was staring at Namjoon as he spoke and nodded slightly as if he was taking in every single word like a blessing. Yoongi averted his gaze.

He faced away entirely when Namjoon yelled, 'Bangtan!'. He banned all thoughts of Jungkook from his mind when he responded with an echo and felt the others move their joined hands first down and then up. A moment later he stepped on stage and his life off of it ceased to exist. The roar of the crowd was deafening and instantly filled his heart with a purpose that he knew would carry him through the upcoming months. It was this that he wanted to focus on. It was this that made it all worth it.

...

Yoongi's ears were ringing as he left the stage and tore out his in-ears. Venue workers as well as staff flocked around him, the crowd could still be heard chanting, his eyes only slowly adjusted to the dim light in the hallway as opposed to the bright flashes he'd been hit by on stage. His heart was racing with the adrenaline that had kept his body moving for three whole hours. No show had ever been this long before and Yoongi's legs were shaking, his shoulder ached, he was drenched in sweat.

He felt the best he had ever felt before and yet something was wrong. He didn't immediately know what it was that was chipping away at his happiness, but it hit him like a brick when he stumbled back into the dressing room and finally got rid of the venue workers that had been pointing flashlights at his feet to guide the way. The moment that there was room to see the other members, he searched for Jungkook. It was a habit he had fought for too long for him to still feel hopeful about dropping it.

Jungkook's eyes had been shiny with excitement before the show, but now they were wet with tears. He had cried on stage before of course, and for a split second Yoongi considered that maybe he was simply overwhelmed, but when he watched Jungkook turn away from the group and bring a hand up to his face to wipe at his eyes he understood. This was more than just the emotions of the night welling up in him.

Yoongi took a step towards him out of instinct, then stopped himself. There were cameras all around them, at least four of them, capturing the aftermath of their very first concert. Jungkook's tears, as long as there was a professional explanation for them, would make the final cut of the documentary for sure, and so would Yoongi if he was the first by his side. Something about the idea of it felt too violating for Yoongi to actually start walking. He didn't want his affection for Jungkook to be caught on camera.

So he stayed where he was and instead cast a look around for Jimin or Hobi who were usually quick to notice not only tears, but any other, more subtle signs of sadness. Instead of either of them he found Namjoon who fell onto the couch he had been on earlier, a look of pain on his face as he clutched his knee. Their physio was already on the ground in front of him with an ice pack that he pressed to the joint.

Yoongi had only noticed in his peripheral vision during a quick stage break that Namjoon had struggled earlier. He had heard something about ice, but it wasn't unusual that one of them needed a moment of relief during songs, so he hadn't thought much about it. Yoongi watched Namjoon attentively as he rubbed a towel that was handed to him over his face where it came away plain white. All his make up had washed away under his sweat.

Was this why Jungkook was crying? Was it Namjoon's pain that he just couldn't bear? The thought made Yoongi feel odd. This, too, wouldn't be a first, for Jungkook to cry over his Hyungs' hardships, but surely an aching knee shouldn't affect him like this. He frowned, then decided to go over to Namjoon, lean his forearms onto the backrest of the couch, and ask, 'What's going on?'

'Just my knee,' Namjoon sighed. 'It's nothing major. Just having a bad day.'

Yoongi nodded. During their debut years, their aches and pains had troubled them less in their intensity, but more so mentally. Any tough day or overworked muscle had freaked them out to no end, with the death of Bangtan always as the worst outcome on everyone's mind. By now, they had learned that it was part of their lives. They all got hurt, they all suffered, they all had to push through injuries or mentally through periods of recovery. He didn't like to know that Namjoon hadn't had a good day physically, but he knew that it was normal. It was nothing to cry over.

Behind him, Jimin passed by, laughing loudly about something Yoongi hadn't caught. He stood up straight, then knocked his foot against Jimin's ankle which made him stumble a little and come to a halt. He simply looked over at Jungkook in silent demand. Jungkook was still turned away from them, hunched over, his hands covering his face entirely now.

Jimin nodded and fell into motion as quickly as Yoongi had known he would. He would never question why Yoongi wasn't going himself. Not when there were cameras around and Jimin knew him well enough to understand that Yoongi would never feel entirely comfortable being watched. He would also never stand by while one of them was hurting, in whatever way. The speed with which he reached Jungkook to throw his arms around him was astonishing.

Yoongi was too far away to hear what the two of them were talking about, but he saw Jimin say a few words, watched Jungkook's back shake with sobs, then he stood up straight again and lowered his hands. Jimin was still smiling, so whatever Jungkook had said couldn't have been bad. Nothing terrible had happened. And still Yoongi found it hard to focus on anything but his tears.

He managed to clean himself up a bit, downed half a litre of water, then accepted the sign he was supposed to hold for their group picture. It was Namjoon who called them all over once more as one of their photographers set up a camera in the centre of the room across from the couch. Yoongi watched as Jimin swung his arm around Jungkook and made him turn and move towards them all.

'Everyone tell Jungkookie that Euphoria wasn't an embarrassment,' he smiled at the rest of them who were gathering around Namjoon on the couch now. The tension in Yoongi's chest eased in a heartbeat. Of course it was something easy as this. Just Jungkook's endlessly high expectations of himself that he hadn't met tonight. It still wasn't easy to watch him when his eyes were all red and his cheeks puffy, but at least he didn't have to worry about him beyond tonight. He'd get back on stage tomorrow and do better, and life would go on.

'What?' Hobi asked, his mouth a perfect o. 'I didn't see anything wrong with it. What is it?'

Jungkook was close enough now for everyone to be able to hear him sniff.

'My voice cracked,' he muttered. Yoongi had to bite down on a smile, no matter how tight his chest became at the sound of his unhappy voice. He could tell that behind the camera, staff, too, was looking at Jungkook with affection rather than worry. He kind of hated how they zoomed in on him crying, perfectly capturing the first highlight reel of their documentary.

'Oh come on,' Jin laughed at the same time at which Taehyung admitted, looking confused, 'I didn't hear it.'

'You know who should be embarrassed?' Jimin said and ruffled Jungkook's hair. He still had his arm wrapped around him tightly. 'Namjoon Hyung. He left out two whole verses of I'm Fine!'

On the couch, Namjoon laughed. It was the only appropriate reaction to mistakes on stage. Of course they would study their show intensely some time during the next few days to review where they could improve, but forgotten lyrics or a voice crack were nothing they could ever entirely prevent from happening. It was part of them being human on stage.

'But I sang the first one thrice,' Namjoon defended himself, and finally a smile tugged on Jungkook's lips. Of course it was Namjoon who had put it there. 'Jungkookie,' Namjoon grinned and slapped a hand against his side in a brotherly way as he passed by to take up his position behind the couch to pose for the picture they were about to take. 'Stop crying, will you? You'll never embarrass yourself as badly as I do on stage. You did a great job tonight.'

The second part was what Yoongi himself wanted to tell Jungkook. He wanted to be the one to wrap his arms around him. But all he could do was lean into him when he came up right next to him for the picture. Jungkook wiped at his eyes and nose a few more times as the camera cruelly clicked rapidly. The moment that it was lowered, Yoongi finally broke and placed his own hand on Jungkook's back briefly. He watched him turn towards him at the touch, but didn't know what to say with the recording cameras still on them all. In front of them Namjoon was being teased by Taehyung who started to sing I'm Fine, but with the first verse on repeat. No one was paying them any mind and still Yoongi found himself tongue tied.

He was thankful for Hobi who pulled Jungkook into a tight hug once they all broke apart, for Jimin who remained close by his side until they eventually left the venue, and for Jin who distracted him with a story about how he had tripped over his laces on stage tonight. What Yoongi did was to watch from afar to make sure Jungkook didn't tear up again. He carried Namjoon's backpack to one of the vans that would take them home, even if he could walk almost normally. He fought against how tired he was and remained in the living room at the dorm for a while after washing up because that was where Jungkook wanted to stay for a beer even when it was way past midnight.

Together with Jungkook and Jimin he stayed up another hour and reminisced over the show until Jungkook finally found his smile again when he talked about their encore and how loud the crowd had been.

'I can't wait for the Europe shows,' Jungkook said 'Selling out an arena in Korea is one thing, but I still can't believe we have multiple shows in the same city scheduled on the other side of the world.'

Jimin and Yoongi both hummed in agreement. Jungkook kept bringing his bottle to his lips but didn't really drink to finish it. Instead he just let the rim press to his mouth where it squished his lower lip. It was distracting. Yoongi was on his fourth beer and he was starting to feel lightheaded not by how much he'd had but by how quickly he'd downed it all without any food to go with it.

'You need to teach us about Western liquor,' Jimin suggested, looking at Yoongi.

'What?'

'When we're in Europe. Or even the US. You need to show us what to drink there.'

Yoongi now scoffed, even though Jungkook looked intrigued.

'All you guys ever have is beer,' he noted. 'You can't handle real liquor in Korea, what makes you think you'll be able to do it in Europe?'

It was a better retort than to question why they both seemed to assume that Yoongi held any kind of professional authority on the matter of drinking overseas. It was an unspoken fact within the group that he alone knew his liquor. The others either abstained or got themselves headaches with cheap beer and soju. Jungkook without a question belonged in the second group, no matter how many times Yoongi had tried to save him from the consequences of his own actions.

'I like beer,' Jimin shrugged while Jungkook frowned and then pouted, 'I can handle real drinks. I just don't know what to get.'

A few years ago, Yoongi had thought that Jungkook would eventually grow up and lose that pout, those big eyes, that whiny voice that still held a hint of Satoori whenever he complained. Yet here he was, as good as twenty one years old, grown up in so many other regards, but the same in this.

'A new drink in every city then,' Yoongi promised with a sigh. 'Let's expand your horizons on this tour.'

He clinked his bottle against both of theirs and toasted to honour his own words. Finally, Jungkook's bottle was empty and the hour too late even for him and Jimin who had a habit of seeing dawn break. They got up, dumped their bottles by the sink to take care of tomorrow, then moved towards the large staircase that connected the two floors their dorm stretched out over. Jimin waved them good night by the foot of the stairs where the downstairs bathroom closest to his room with Hobi was located. Yoongi followed Jungkook upstairs.

After years of having to sneak into his shared room with Jin late after working all night, he finally had his own room at this dorm. Their current home was a compromise, a much needed step in the transition towards individual homes. Yoongi wouldn't have known what to do all by himself when the conversation had come up a few months ago. Most of the other members had agreed, and so their current living situation was a shared apartment that was large enough to only force one shared room onto them, but had five individual bedrooms spread out over the two floors.

Yoongi's room was across the hall from Jungkook's, with Namjoon's at the end of it. The three of them shared the upstairs bathroom which Jungkook was headed for now.

'It's late for you, Hyung,' Jungkook yawned. He knew him well enough to probably have anticipated him retreating to his room right after the show to rest.

'Yeah,' Yoongi simply agreed. 'Do you mind if I brush my teeth with you?'

Jungkook shook his head. He still had to wash up and would probably take a while until he would actually go to bed. Together they entered the bathroom where Yoongi immediately opened the mirrored cabinet to grab his toothbrush. Jungkook began humming to himself as he took off his shirt, let it drop to the floor, and took out a fresh towel from the cupboard behind him. Yoongi watched him through the mirror just like he had done earlier. It wasn't strange to be with him like this, for them to share the bathroom, and still Yoongi could never get over the feeling of guilt. Would Jungkook still take off his clothes around him quite this easily if he knew how hard Yoongi found it to look away?

He managed it when Jungkook reached for the button of his jeans. He'd made it a habit to avert his gaze and he wasn't about to break it just because his cheeks felt a little warm from the beer he'd had. Quickly, he finished brushing his teeth, washed his face once more lazily with only water and then paused. Behind him, the shower started to run and he turned.

'Jungkookie.'

Jungkook was in his underwear, about to take it off, right by the door of the shower. He looked at him at the sound of his name, waiting. He had stopped humming now, and Yoongi kind of missed the sound.

'You did a good job today. Don't beat yourself up over one second when you have three whole hours to look back on and enjoy, okay? You can't go through this tour agonising over every breath you wish you could retake.'

Jungkook only looked back at him for a moment. His cherry hair had fallen into his forehead and was starting to get stuck there the more the steam of the shower dampened the room.

'I'll try, Hyung. Promise.'

Yoongi nodded. He'd never be able to change Jungkook, and he'd never want to. Jungkook would always set his bar too high. But if there was anything Yoongi could do, in the absence of cameras, to keep the smile on his face then he would.

...

As Yoongi had predicted, their second show in Seoul the day after went better than the first one. Not only because Jungkook left the stage with a bright smile on his face and was bouncing on his heels, but because there were fewer nerves overall, Namjoon's knee seemed to bother him less, and they got an opportunity to properly soundcheck in the afternoon which had been cut short by rain the day before. When Yoongi left the stage he felt as if he could have done it all over again the next day which was a rare show of energy when concerts usually physically drained him.

The group's good spirits improved more when they walked away with the grand prize at the Soribada Best K-Music Awards four days later. Yoongi didn't particularly enjoy award shows, as being in the crowd rather than on stage for a large part of the event made him feel anxious and the mingling and socialising was only ever enjoyable to him for short periods of time, not entire evenings. However, compared to whole stretches of similar events that they'd had to attend in the past, an isolated night didn't manage to put a dent in his mood.

They were busy with final preparations for their overseas shows, only took a second to breathe to toast to Jungkook's twenty-first birthday when September came, and then suddenly they had run out of time and were shuffled onto a private plane in the early evening with L.A. as their next destination. All around him, the members began to drift off into what looked like peaceful sleep once the initial excitement died down, but Yoongi had never been so lucky. He already didn't sleep well in any bed that wasn't his own, so falling asleep on a plane was something that he only managed when he was truly on the verge of passing out or had indulged in too many drinks. What he was good at was short naps backstage or at the studio, but never in moving vehicles.

He sat with his headphones on and propped his laptop up in front of him which was how he spent the majority of the flight. He couldn't exactly work as there wasn't enough space for all of his equipment, but he could respond to emails and ponder over lyrics he had written and that were waiting to be matched to music he still didn't feel perfectly sure about. The release date of his next EP was far in the future and still uncertain, but his own personal deadline of completing the writing process wasn't. He'd have to work hard on tour, and the thought of it made him feel heavy with regret over all the time he'd wasted in spring and early summer.

Across the aisle from him, Jungkook was snoring lightly. He was on his back, stretched out in his seat that had been reclined, a mask covering most of his face. His faded pink hair had been replaced by a shade of dark brown so devastating that Yoongi had only been able to feel resignation at the sight of it. He truly didn't know what it was that made it so impossible for him to look at Jungkook without appreciation. Deep down he knew that it didn't really matter what colour his hair was. Yoongi would be weak at the sight of it regardless.

They landed in L.A. in the afternoon to sunshine so bright it gave Yoongi a headache. The other members didn't exactly look refreshed, but they had at least gotten a fairly decent amount of sleep on the plane while Yoongi felt like he was sleepwalking by the time they reached the Staples Center for a fitted rehearsal. There was no time to rest and Yoongi survived only through venti Americanos that somehow kept appearing in front of him. He could feel his heart racing too hard after his Seesaw rehearsal and it had nothing to do with having put too much effort into dancing.

'You're gonna give yourself a heart attack,' Hobi noted when Yoongi accepted another cup of coffee from a staff member before getting into the van that would finally take them to the hotel. Yoongi was running on his thirtieth hour of being awake and the lack of a real meal only made him more moody and sleepy.

'I don't know if I'll stay awake long enough to experience it,' he yawned behind his mask. Traffic outside was moving slowly, but sleeping in a car was just as impossible for him as sleeping on a plane was. He couldn't even muster up enough energy to feel excited about the palm trees lining the streets outside or the way that the sun was disappearing behind skyscrapers and painted the horizon pink. He was back in L.A. and all he could think of was sleep.

'Have you talked to someone about the sleep issues?' Hobi now asked with a more serious tone. Yoongi had closed his eyes for a moment and it was only when he opened them again that he realised that there was a camera in Hobi's hands that he now lowered, the red light no longer blinking.

'What issues?'

'Sleeping when we're traveling. It would do you good if you managed it.'

'It's not exactly a choice,' Yoongi muttered. He realised right away that he was being moody and unnecessarily rude to Hobi, so he extended his coffee cup to him in an apologetic way. Hobi accepted it, shook the ice cubes a little, then took a sip.

'That's why I'm suggesting to talk to someone. Maybe you can take something before long flights. I don't know.'

Yoongi shrugged.

'Sure, I can ask. But I take enough shit that drains me, that's not the issue.'

He rolled his shoulder in emphasis. It was bothering him worse today than it did on other days after sitting stiffly on a plane all night. The painkillers he took were strong enough for their side effects to be the same. They alone would have been enough to make him tired more easily than the other members, and then he didn't even take into account the antidepressants he still relied on after a particularly bad year right after their debut.

'Well, you've almost made it through today. Are you coming with us for dinner before bed?'

Yoongi didn't even have to think about it before he shook his head. All he wanted was to sleep, but at the same time he remembered, 'I should be working. I haven't done any of the lyrics.'

Hobi took off his sunglasses so that Yoongi could see just how critically he studied him. He kept holding on to the coffee cup even when Yoongi reached for it.

'I'm not giving it back,' Hobi decided. 'You're about an hour away from your bed.'

It wouldn't make a difference. Yoongi was tired enough that the coffee would no longer keep him from falling asleep, but he didn't feel like saying so. Instead he closed his eyes again and tried to at least rest his body as well as he could until they reached the hotel about twenty minutes later. Hobi stayed by his side as they were rushed into the lobby together by security where they were told to wait for the other cars to arrive so that they could go through a debrief together before splitting up for the night.

Yoongi was slouched in an armchair in a conference room that had been rented out for them and the crew and watched with hooded eyes as one after the other the members and staff arrived. Sleepily, he managed a smile when Jungkook sauntered in, a doughnut in one hand, a large paper bag in the other. He was humming again, full of energy, bouncing on the spot as there were no more seats left.

'Namjoon Hyung,' he called over to the door. 'We made our driver stop at a drive through. Do you want a doughnut?'

Namjoon shook his head, but gave Jungkook a quick smile. He was speaking to their head manager and turned back to her after only a moment of allowing himself to be distracted. Jungkook licked his fingers clean, then headed over to Taehyung to wrap his arms around him from behind, the doughnut bag resting against his chest where it caught his interest. Not for the first time Yoongi wondered where he got his energy from. He seemed to almost be Yoongi's reverse mirror image when it came to exhaustion. Jungkook thrived under a full schedule and usually fell into a slump whenever they had time off.

Yoongi watched him mess around with Taehyung for a bit, showing him the doughnuts but then running off with them until they toppled over together by the window. A camera was on them, as per usual, but the footage would likely not make it into the documentary as Taehyung's shirt had ridden up his back when he had fallen. Jungkook's laughter was loud and addicting, and to Yoongi it was what kept him awake right now. Everything felt like he was watching a film, not living through this very moment himself.

'Guys!'

It was Namjoon's voice that called them to order. Taehyung helped Jungkook up and together they came over to the couch. The smile on Tae's face was unwavering and he happily bit into a doughnut he had finally acquired. Jungkook however looked at Namjoon as if he had been caught doing something he shouldn't. There it was again, that expression on his face as if Namjoon had somehow knocked his world off balance with only one word. He didn't exactly look embarrassed, but too determined to pay attention now that Namjoon had asked him to.

Yoongi made a point of getting up and picking a doughnut from the box exactly when their manager started to speak. This wasn't an official meeting. There was no need to call Jungkook out like that. No one had even wanted anything from him up until now. Namjoon met Yoongi's gaze curiously when he returned to his seat, an unwanted doughnut now in his hand, wrapped in a napkin.

Everything they were told was old news except for their exact schedule for tomorrow. They had studio time booked to finalise parts of next year's album and would then kick off their US leg of the tour with a staff dinner at night. Yoongi was handed a sheet of paper with interview questions he was supposed to prepare for as they would film him for the documentary tomorrow as well. Then they were informed about where dinner was held in one of the secluded backrooms of the hotel.

Yoongi inspected the doughnut in his hands. He didn't really feel like eating it as he had already gone without food for so long now that something sweet would likely upset his stomach. Around him, everyone was starting to gather their things, but Yoongi couldn't bring himself to move. He stayed right where he was, torn between grabbing at least a quick dinner and directly heading to his room.

'Are you alright, Hyung?'

It was Namjoon who had come over to the couch and sat down right next to him, the look on his face still curious.

'Tired,' Yoongi mumbled. 'Didn't sleep on the plane.'

Namjoon nodded easily. It was no secret that between them all, Yoongi suffered the worst from jet lag and found it hard to rest during travels.

'Have this,' Yoongi decided and placed the doughnut on Namjoon's knee.

'You're not going to eat?'

Yoongi shook his head. He was again noticing just how tired he was now that he was supposed to make conversation.

'You look grumpy,' Namjoon noted as he inspected the doughnut he had been given. He didn't seem to want it either.

'Don't worry,' Yoongi half yawned. 'I don't need you to be a leader right now. I just wanna sleep.'

With that, Namjoon patted him on the back in the way that he liked to do. He wasn't much of a fan of the hugs Jimin, Hobi, and sometimes Taehyung offered and exchanged, but he was affectionate in his own way, with honest words and reassurance.

'Promise me you won't work,' he said as he got up, to which Yoongi nodded halfheartedly. A part of him wanted to do so, but he knew that all he'd do was stare at the screen and space out.

He grabbed his backpack, swung it over his shoulder, and moved towards the door on tired feet. He had made it to the lobby and had waved good night to his managers to let them know he was off to bed when he was held back by someone holding on to his bag, making him stumble a little.

'Dinner,' a voice said. A voice Yoongi would have known among millions.

He turned around, ready to argue, to explain that sleep was his one priority right now, but to his surprise, Jungkook didn't seem to want him to come with them. Instead, he was holding out two triangle gimbap and a bag of savoury crisps and was waiting for Yoongi to take them. Yoongi studied the snacks for a moment, realised they were Korean rather than American, then took them without thinking much.

'You sure? Your precious stuff from home?'

Jungkook only grinned.

'I brought so much. A whole backpack full of snacks.'

Yoongi nodded, then mumbled, 'Thanks. Sorry, I'm about to pass out.'

'Because you didn't eat lunch.'

'Because I didn't sleep on the plane,' Yoongi retorted. With a smile, he reached for Jungkook's arm for a moment, squeezing it. Then he waved, turned, and headed for the elevators.

...

Yoongi woke up too early, but the sleep that he did get was better than he had expected. He had been tired enough to fall asleep without even washing up. His body was confused when he woke up before dawn, the jet lag heavy in his bones, but he no longer felt like he could hardly keep his eyes open. Even after five years of traveling with the group, Yoongi had somehow never learned how to train his body to not malfunction the moment that he set foot on a plane. He didn't know how the others did it so easily.

He washed up at the crack of dawn and let the hot water of the shower run over his aching back and shoulders for a long time. Initially, he had thought that having his own hotel room on this tour wasn't a necessity, but now that he had it, he was glad for it. It allowed him to set up his work station by the window and start the day early while he watched the sun rise over the city skyline. He ordered room service when he realised that he was starving, and once his first cup of coffee of the day hit him, he was able to concentrate better than he would have expected.

A few hours later, he was the first one down in the conference room where he had parted from the group last night. Finally, he took the time to check his phone again and scrolled through pictures that Taehyung had dropped into their group chat about twenty minutes ago. All of them showed him, Jimin, and Jungkook in one of their hotel rooms, cans of beer in their hands, their cheeks flushed, their smiles too bright. Clearly they hadn't gone straight to bed after dinner last night.

Yoongi cast a look around before he allowed himself to linger on a picture of Jungkook. His newly dark hair felt like coming home somehow. He'd had dark hair all throughout their debut years, it was how Yoongi knew him best, and while he had appreciated the change over the summer, he liked seeing him like this again. Everything about Jungkook made him look for too long. His soft smile and warm eyes, the way both were contrasted by his sharp jaw and muscled chest, the comfortable way in which he leaned against Jimin in the picture. Everything about it made Yoongi feel a kind of longing that he knew he had to move past, but that only ever seemed to get worse.

Denial was no longer an option to him. He had held on to it for long enough, had pretended that his soft spot for Jungkook was what all of them felt for their Maknae in a similar way, and he was tired of it. Begrudgingly, he had accepted a while ago that Jungkook would always draw his attention in a room full of people. He would always look for him, would always study him more closely than anyone else, would always be distracted by him. It was what it was, but he himself was the only one he would ever admit it to.

So he didn't react to the pictures even when Hobi did so with too many laughing emojis a moment later. He pulled up his notes app and started typing messy lines about familiar shades of brown until finally Jin strolled into the room together with a bunch of staff. He was holding his own phone in his hand and the first thing he said to Yoongi was, 'How do they have the energy?'

He threw himself onto the sofa next to Yoongi and tilted his phone screen towards him so that he once again saw the pictures of the Maknae line. Shaking his head, Jin started typing something as Yoongi lazily agreed with a hum.

'If they're late this morning, I'll kill them,' he said without heat. He had never minded waiting for anyone as long as he had a place to sit and enough coffee inside of him.

'Jimin-ah will be late for sure,' Jin predicted, but in the end it was Taehyung who came downstairs last, when all staff and the other members had already gathered.

Jimin and Jungkook appeared together and Yoongi ended up sharing a van with them where Jimin told him all about how Jungkook had passed out in his room last night and hadn't even entered his own yet. Jungkook wasn't fully awake yet and had leaned his head against the car window to take a nap until they would reach the studio they were headed towards.

'He was the one who wanted single rooms the most,' Jimin smiled affectionately. 'I said from the beginning that I'm fine with sharing.'

It wasn't really true that Jungkook had argued for single rooms more than anyone else. Yoongi, Hobi, and Namjoon had done so, all with the main reason of having work to do and wanting to keep up a sane sleep schedule. Jungkook had tipped the scales by raising his hand after he had seen Namjoon do so. But Yoongi didn't feel like saying so. He only asked, 'Did you guys drink much? Is he hungover?'

His question had been directed at Jimin, but Jungkook opened one eye when he heard it and made a sound of denial. He had his hood drawn up over his head and his face was almost bare. Sleepy like this, his skin was more pale than usual, so it was hard to tell if he was simply feeling tired or unwell.

'We didn't have much,' Jimin shook his head. 'We just stayed up until dawn.'

Again, Yoongi wondered how the two of them did it. It was their regular sleeping pattern, staying up too late and chatting all throughout the night, so he wasn't surprised about it, but he really didn't understand how they had managed to fall into their rhythm this easily in a different time zone.

'Did you sleep well, Hyung?' Jimin now asked, to which Yoongi nodded.

'Yeah. I worked all morning. I feel better now.'

'So diligent,' Jimin grinned while at the same time, Jungkook sat up straight again and turned to look at Yoongi properly.

'What are you working on? Can I listen?'

'Still the same music that I already showed you,' he shrugged. 'I need to decide which lyrics go with which song.'

Jungkook sniffed, then rubbed his eyes as he yawned. His nose was always stuffy in the morning and while Yoongi had been up for hours, Jungkook had likely rolled out of Jimin's bed not too long ago. He often stayed with one of his Hyungs, but Yoongi had already taken careful note of how it was never Namjoon or him. Mostly, Jungkook fell asleep crawled up near Jimin, Tae, or Jin, sometimes even Hobi, but whenever he was called out on it, he pretended not to hear. Once, he had stayed in his own room for weeks because Namjoon had jokingly suggested that they turn it into a communal space, as Jungkook never used it.

Jungkook had just started to softly snore next to him when they made it to the studio and he complained with a small whine that made Yoongi want to shut the door to the car again and give him another few hours of sleep. Instead, he made sure to ask for a coffee order as soon as they were settled in and had greeted the handful of producers they were working with. He watched Jungkook slowly sip on his cup as someone spoke to him in English that was too fast for Yoongi to understand. Jungkook was also only nodding, his eyes wide now that he was waking up.

It didn't really matter, Yoongi thought. The moment that Jungkook was in the booth, he would do better than what was expected of him anyways. Whatever advice the producer had for him was probably already a habit for Jungkook.

Yoongi was the first to record his interview piece and so after his stylist was done with him, he spent an hour in a secluded room where he talked about his expectations and hopes for the tour, his general thoughts on the next steps they would take as a group, and the hardships that came with it. When he was given permission to return to the studio, Namjoon was in the booth to record his part of the song they were working on. He wasn't sure where the others had been dragged off to, but most likely there were interviews taking place in other rooms, or maybe English lessons they were all taking these days.

In Seoul, they didn't often get to watch each other record and so Yoongi took the opportunity to study Namjoon and the way that he was navigating through his rap lines. He seemed comfortable in the booth, was smiling and joking in English, and even though Yoongi understood only half of it, he found himself leaning over to the head producer who was giving Namjoon a thumbs up at his last take to ask, in English, 'You know him?'

He pointed at Namjoon and raised an eyebrow in question.

'Sure,' the producer replied easily. She was young, impressively so, and Yoongi could see why Namjoon was smiling at her so much. Even beyond that they seemed oddly familiar with each other, and his suspicion was confirmed when she told him, 'We recorded parts of Mono together this spring.'

Yoongi didn't get all of what she said, but he understood the gist of it, enough for him to nod and hum in acknowledgement. Namjoon had said that he'd had a great experience recording, but he hadn't told him exactly how much he'd apparently liked looking at his producer. He was enough of a professional to focus on his job, but he was also enough of an open book to Yoongi for him to recognise Namjoon's interest.

Amused, Yoongi watched the two of them exchange smiles for a while before he filled up on more coffee and was called to his next appointment. The day passed quickly that way and he saw little of the other members as they all came and went, doing interviews, recording their parts, having meals, or going over organisational questions with the staff. He almost forgot about Namjoon and his apparent infatuation until they left the studio in the evening.

It was subtle, but there. The way that Namjoon hugged their producer goodbye and whispered something in her ear. Her fingers brushing over his neck were too intimate, her smile, the look around, the way that she slipped a piece of paper into his pocket when she thought no one was looking. It was obvious what was going on even when Yoongi had never seen it happen before. Namjoon had dated of course, had had girlfriends and less serious relationships in the past, but Yoongi had never been a witness to this side of him. As far as he knew, it had never been someone they worked with this closely.

For a moment, Yoongi didn't know how to feel about it. He averted his gaze, pretended he hadn't seen for all of their sakes, and followed the others out to the vans that were waiting for them. But on the way to the restaurant that had been booked for them he couldn't think of much other than Namjoon.

No matter how serious what he had seen was, there wasn't really anything wrong with it. There were rules about dating, yes, but if Yoongi trusted anyone to follow them it was Namjoon. He'd be careful, and maybe even transparent about it with their staff even if he hadn't said anything to Yoongi personally. And still, something about it all made Yoongi feel slightly uneasy. Namjoon had looked so comfortable, so confident, not at all like his often clumsy, doubtful self that Yoongi knew too well. He couldn't deny that he was surprised by how smoothly Namjoon had smiled and let that note disappear. As if he was no stranger to those kinds of secrets. Were there things that Namjoon didn't share with him?

It had been Namjoon whom Yoongi had met first. Before the group, it had been the two of them on their own for a while. It would have been a futile attempt to rank their members in any way, but chronologically, and maybe beyond that, Namjoon came first. It was he whom Yoongi would want to tell if he was seeing someone. Or was trading secret notes with. And it was that thought that finally made him sigh and shake the thought off.

Most likely, his lingering on the subject had to do with how little there was to say about his own private life. Or, something he wanted to admit to even less, it had to do with what he knew he could never tell Namjoon about. His soft spot for chocolate brown hair and soft, wide eyes.

He sighed and leaned his head against the car window. They were yet again stuck in traffic. Taehyung was discussing his recording session from today with a manager while Jin was yelling into his phone over a bad connection to his hometown. Yoongi couldn't concentrate on his own thoughts enough to make them make sense and so he simply closed his eyes for a while and tried to forget about Namjoon's goodbye at the studio. It wasn't his place to worry about it, or to somehow make it about himself. He had nothing to do with this unless Namjoon royally fucked up and somehow broke their company rules.

And yet, no matter how hard he tried to forget about it, he couldn't help but think about it again when, a few hours later, he watched Namjoon try and make a quiet exit from their dinner earlier than anyone else. It was an easy task, given how loud and messy things had become after a few bottles of the expensive wine their management continued to procure. Yoongi himself was feeling warm and drowsy and it was becoming more and more difficult to follow Jin who was telling him all about some family drama his brother had caused. He kept letting his gaze roam around the room to watch how at the other end of one of their large tables, Jungkook was loudly giggling together with Jimin and two of the stylists.

It was during one of Yoongi's routine glances at Jungkook that he caught Namjoon return from the bathroom, take a look around as he stood in the doorway, and then take a step back again. He was looking for something, or maybe someone, and seemed to find it when his glance met Yoongi's. He looked at him, then at the back entrance of the restaurant and jerked his chin towards it. Yoongi nodded without hesitation.

'Hyung,' he said when Jin next gave him a moment to respond. 'I'll be right back.'

Jin waved at him happily and reached for the wine once again, refilling both his and Yoongi's glasses as Yoongi made his way towards the door. His face felt hot and for a moment the room seemed to be moving around him, but once he started to walk it stabilised again.

Namjoon was waiting for him behind the building, his phone in his hands, typing. He looked up when he saw him and slid it into his pocket without sending his text.

'Are you having fun?' he asked.

Yoongi shrugged.

'As much fun as I could ever have during a work dinner.'

He knew that for most of them, tonight would feel like a night off. Jimin and Taehyung at least were close enough with a few members of their staff and easily chatted with whoever they were sat at a table with. For Yoongi, it felt like work. If he had the night off, he would be at the hotel, writing music or relaxing. While he didn't hate their dinner, and definitely not their team, a schedule would always feel like a schedule to him.

'You're leaving?' he asked when Namjoon didn't immediately say anything else.

Namjoon met his gaze again, then ran a hand over his mouth and looked up at the sky. The sun was long gone, but it was still warm and damp outside.

'Can I tell you something that stays between us?'

Yoongi smiled and leaned his head back, following Namjoon's gaze up at where the moon hung heavy over the parking lot.

'You're gonna meet up with our producer.'

It wasn't a question, but a fact. Even when he had said it with a laugh, Namjoon seemed frozen for a moment.

'How?' he asked, not displeased, but curious. 'How do you know?'

Yoongi huffed.

'Please. What did she give you? Her number or her address?'

The way that Namjoon's jaw moved was familiar, caught. It was the way he looked when he was embarrassed, but at the same time a smile started to tug at the corner of his mouth.

'Number,' he mumbled. 'She just asked me to come over.'

Yoongi nodded. He kind of wished he'd have brought a drink outside.

Namjoon's voice was calm, but concerned when he asked, 'Did anyone else see?'

'No idea. Does anyone else know?'

'There's nothing to know about,' Namjoon shook his head. 'You think I shouldn't go?'

'Nothing's happened before? When you recorded Mono?'

He ignored the second question on purpose. Who was he to tell Namjoon what to do or not to do?

Again, Namjoon hummed in denial.

'It was only when we wrapped up work in spring and I had a flight to catch that I realised there was a chance. She said something about it. Something like how she would have loved to show me an even better time in L.A.. I didn't think I'd see her again in person, so I wasn't too hung up on it.'

Yoongi almost felt ashamed of the relief that he felt. Namjoon didn't owe him anything. Especially not considering Yoongi's own deficient honesty to him. And still he hadn't liked the thought of Namjoon getting involved with girls in L.A. and not telling him about it. It was something Namjoon had always shared in the past, had confided in Yoongi about, and it would have meant something had he not done so this time.

'You regretted it?'

'Sure,' Namjoon smiled. 'She's... Well, I'm not about to say no.'

'To tonight? Or something more?'

Namjoon pursed his lips. In his pocket, his phone lit up, but he didn't reach for it.

'For now, tonight. I've never seen her outside of the studio. I have no idea.'

'You know you'll have to tell management after. You'll have to tell her that before anything happens.'

'I know,' Namjoon nodded. 'So chances that something is actually going to happen are slim.'

The sound Yoongi made was one of uncertainty.

'I don't think she'll be surprised. She's in the industry.'

'Hers, not ours.'

He was right of course, but in the end, Yoongi didn't really think the difference would matter. Not when it came to secrecy and publicity.

'Will you tell the others I left if they ask?'

Yoongi nodded easily. No matter how he felt about this, there were no good reasons to deny Namjoon this or to hold him back. They were done recording, and he was allowed to have a life outside of their schedules even when Yoongi hadn't managed to build one of his own in years.

'Be safe,' he told Namjoon which got him a shove to his good shoulder.

'You take it easy,' was his retort. 'We have a show to play tomorrow.'

Chapter Text

Their first show in L.A. wasn't a disaster, but also not something to be particularly proud of. As a group, they walked away feeling more excited about next day's show than the one they had just wrapped up. There was too much room for improvement not to want to fill it, and in Yoongi's opinion, they managed it well enough. They were in good spirits after their second show, even if it was now Jimin's knee that was troubling him and Jungkook kept sipping on lemon tea to nurse an aching throat.

Still, nothing could keep them from going out for Korean barbecue when they had been too tired the night before to do much other than crash in their hotel rooms where Yoongi had tried to work for another few hours before he had passed out. The restaurant they were brought to had been prepared for them with a section being blocked off in the back, and a separate room altogether for the staff. Yoongi spotted the cameras the second that he had walked in. There were two of them, one at the head of the table and another one in the corner of the room.

Arguably, it was the part that he hated the most about his job. Interviews, entertainment shows, award shows, and photo shoots were all necessary evils that he had gotten used to over time and that he knew were unavoidable if he wanted the stage and the music. They were limited in time and once he was done, he was done. But the constant surveillance was what, every now and then, made him feel that it was time to quit. It was exhausting. He had just played a show, had been at the venue all day with cameras all around him, and all he wanted was an evening with the group during which they didn't have to be mindful. And yet the room had been prepared and their dinner was no longer just a dinner, but part of their documentary.

It wasn't like what ended up on camera was all a lie. It wasn't like Yoongi felt like he couldn't be himself as Suga or like their dynamic entirely changed once that red light stopped blinking. Besides, their editing team was precise and would never show them in a light they weren't supposed to be seen in. Yoongi was almost certain that his moment of weakness today in which he had touched Jungkook's back too mindlessly and commented on how see through his shirt was would never leave the editing room. And still Yoongi felt the difference when they ordered several more rounds of soju after dinner and Taehyung got up and turned the camera off once the bottles were brought to the table.

The shift was subtle, but it was there. They all leaned back in their seats a bit more and downed their next bottle of soju too quickly, their voices became louder, their postures worse, their smiles brighter. And their conversation became more private.

Yoongi was talking to Jimin about the work he wasn't getting done for his EP, something he couldn't discuss on camera, when on the other side of the table, something caught Jimin's attention. There was Namjoon, wildly shaking his head, trying to get rid of Taehyung who was clinging to his arm and begging him for something with an excited smile.

'It doesn't concern you,' Namjoon groaned, but the smile on his face kept the words from holding any heat.

'But I wanna know!'

Taehyung's pleading was full of laughter and eagerness and he shook Namjoon's shoulder a little too hard. Clearly he wasn't sober, which was likely why he had opted to call their recording session quits.

'Tell us,' Jungkook now chimed in from the other side. His current bottle of soju was already gone. He had always liked to drink, had maybe started a little too young due to the exposure to his Hyungs, and sometimes Yoongi wondered whether it was a good thing or not. But every time Jungkook drank, he became excited and happy and a little unhinged, and everything about it made Yoongi want to never look away from him. He himself got tongue tied when he drank, too caught up in his own head as he spiralled through his endless thoughts. Jungkook was the opposite, and he was beautiful in his dopamine rush.

'Yeah, where were you, Namjoon-ah?' Hobi now asked, and suddenly all their attention was on their leader. 'Yoongi Hyung kept your secret too well, he only said you'd gone.'

So they were talking about two nights ago. Yoongi studied Namjoon with calm interest. He didn't really care whether he told the group or not. What mattered to him was that Namjoon was honest with him personally. The two of them had always been that. At least in all the ways that Yoongi could be.

'Yah,' Namjoon sighed, 'What does it matter? I saw someone.'

'Someone?' Taehyung nearly froze on Namjoon's side before his smile grew even wider. 'Someone you got naked with?'

Namjoon's jaw shifted. Next to Yoongi, Jimin started to laugh too loudly while Jin, too, leaned forward onto the table now to ask, 'Why wasn't I informed?'

The way he said it, somehow both outraged and unserious, made Yoongi laugh. He took another sip of soju as his eyes found Jungkook again. Why was it always so easy to watch him? Although it had been more enjoyable a moment ago, when Jungkook hadn't sucked on his lower lip yet and when his jaw hadn't been all tense. Subconsciously, Yoongi found himself mirroring his suddenly serious expression.

'Who was it?' Taehyung inquired, but Yoongi didn't look at him this time. He heard Namjoon sigh once more before he started telling them.

'The producer. We worked on Mono together, so it's not all new. But nothing happened back then.'

The way that the volume level grew around the table would have ordinarily amused Yoongi, but he was too distracted by how sober Jungkook suddenly looked. An irritating kind of sadness had snuck onto his features and made everything else that happened around them seem meaningless.

'How was it?' Taehyung demanded to know while Jimin yelled over him to complain, 'We've been here for three days and you already got yourself a girlfriend?'

At the same time, Yoongi heard Jin mutter something about how no one had told him once again. Jungkook was quiet, his eyes on Namjoon as they so often were.

'Who said anything about a girlfriend? What do I want a girlfriend in L.A. for?'

'We all know what for,' Jimin laughed. He almost knocked over his bottle of soju and momentarily distracted Yoongi from how his gaze was boring into Jungkook.

'Tell us how it was!' Taehyung urged once more, his voice more insisting now. At the same time, Hobi finally seemed to realise what Yoongi was unable to ignore.

'What's the face for, Jungkookie?'

Yoongi had only been distracted by the swaying bottle right by his elbow for a second. His eyes were back on Jungkook in a heartbeat and his chest pulled together tightly at how caught he looked, how he clearly didn't know what to say.

'Are you planning on seeing her again?' Yoongi made himself ask. His hopes of being able to draw the members' attention were slim though when everyone was more interested in Hobi's question. Besides, Namjoon had already told him that he didn't think it would become something more than what it was right now. They had briefly talked about it the morning after, on the way to the venue.

'Jungkook-ah,' Taehyung now grinned, ever so far from sober. It was so easy for him to get there. 'Are you seriously jealous?'

Yoongi should have seen it coming. Jungkook's infatuation with Namjoon was no secret. It was something they had all laughed about before, everyone including Jungkook himself in his more carefree moments. It was a joke that had yet to cease to amuse the others, especially because, consciously or not, Jungkook kept adding fuel to the fire. Yoongi himself hadn't thought much about it for years. Not until his feelings for Jungkook had grown in size and in intensity and had become a lot more confusing. These days, every time Jungkook's eyes were glued to Namjoon for too long, irritation spread through him unreasonably.

The tips of Jungkook's ears turned red too quickly. He reached for his soju and emptied another bottle, clearly determined to ignore the comment, but it was no use. Among them all, they were too drunk and too exhausted not to jump at a chance of teasing him.

'Jungkookie, it's time you make your move before somebody else puts a ring on him,' Jimin laughed. The combination of him and Taehyung and soju was always dangerous, and what was more was that Jimin was allowed to tease Jungkook harder than any of them. It was Jimin who proudly bore the title of Jungkook's best friend, if unofficially, and it was he who both pampered him the most and put him through the most bullshit.

'Guys,' Namjoon tried, a hint of a warning in his voice, but Taehyung was louder.

'Heartbreak is tough, Kookie, but there's nothing soju can't fix, no?' Taehyung pushed a new bottle towards him which Jungkook took, though he still said nothing.

'Anyone want dessert?' Yoongi now tried. Next to him, Jin excitedly exclaimed his agreement and reached over the table for the menu, but he was the only one.

'Actually,' Hobi now said, 'I think Jungkookie has his own little romance going on that he's not telling us about.'

It was better than the teasing, but it also felt like a slap in the face. Yoongi stilled, his bottle at his lips, his eyes now on Hobi in anxious anticipation.

'The sound engineer? She was all over you!'

Yoongi's heart immediately felt lighter again when Jungkook shook his head at the clarification he had clearly needed.

'No, no,' he muttered. 'She wasn't. We were just talking a little.'

Yoongi had become so good at watching Jungkook, yet he didn't know what either of them were talking about. He hadn't seen Jungkook anywhere near venue staff. But then again, things were always hectic backstage and they weren't glued together all day.

'Well, you've become really good at just talking,' Hobi grinned. 'Remember when you used to run the other way?'

Jungkook rolled his eyes.

'Because it's always a risk with cameras around. I've had enough meetings about it.'

They had all had those meetings, but Yoongi was almost certain that Jungkook had heard more about being careful from management than all of them put together. He was golden. Perfect. Too sweet to be caught up in dating rumours that would already pose a threat to the group if it was one of the older members. But him? Impossible to come back from. Jungkook's entire persona was made up to be innocence.

'She's cute,' Taehyung now mused. 'Maybe you need to take her somewhere away from the cameras.'

It was Jimin who asked, 'Truly, how long has it been since Nayeong-ssi? Two years?'

Yoongi emptied his bottle. He knew for a fact that it hadn't been quite two years yet, but almost. It had been the insistent ache in his chest back then that had first made him understand that Jungkook was different. They all looked at him with affection, but Yoongi was sure none of the others had felt what he had felt when Jungkook had proudly told them about losing his virginity to a dancer on their very first date. It had been the first and the last one, and Jungkook had worked through the heartbreak more slowly than Yoongi had expected, given how little he had known her. He had been quicker to get over his first and only girlfriend in high school.

Or maybe it had been Yoongi who had gotten over her more quickly because it hadn't mattered quite as much then. After Nayeong, Yoongi had suddenly cared. He'd cared so much that he had almost confronted her about it afterwards, when he had still seen her around a few times at dance practices and finally, their video shoot that had wrapped up her involvement with the group. But of course he hadn't said anything. It had been Jungkook's business, and Jungkook had never even talked to Yoongi about it directly. Not about the break up. He had only ever told the group as a whole about the night they had spent together.

'Not two years,' Jungkook mumbled. 'And anyways... What do I want a girlfriend in L.A. for?'

He tried to smile as the others laughed and Namjoon raised his bottle to knock it against his. Not another minute passed before staff joined them in their room, just when Jimin and Taehyung had changed targets and started to ask Hobi about his girlfriend instead. For a moment, Yoongi wondered whether maybe they'd been overheard and would have to sit through a meeting about what not to say out loud in a restaurant, but it turned out to be paranoia. They were simply asked whether they were ready to go, and Yoongi was the first to announce loudly that he was ready to return to his own girlfriend, which was his unfinished EP.

...

It wasn't immediately obvious that Jungkook was hung up on their conversation. Not until three days later when the reality of it hit Yoongi in the face with painful ferocity. They were leaving the venue after their fourth and last L.A. show at the Staples Center. Yoongi was on his way to one of the vans that was waiting for them when he turned a corner somewhere in the maze of underground hallways and found himself coming to an abrupt halt at the sight of Jungkook, his back turned towards him. Before him, on her tiptoes, pressed against the wall, was who Yoongi had come to recognise as one of the venue's sound engineers over the last few days.

They were too close, Yoongi registered, then they shifted only slightly, and his heart skipped a beat when he understood. The kiss they shared was deep and eager, her hip was pressing up against Jungkook's crotch, his hand had wandered underneath her shirt and almost up to her breasts. There was no time to fully register what he was seeing and how it made him feel. All Yoongi could instinctively do was to stop walking, to try and divert the manager that was right on his heels. He turned, tried to go back, but it was too late.

'Jungkook-ah?'

Jungkook jumped, his eyes instantly wide, a look of fear on his face that oddly clashed with his puffy lips and flushed cheeks. Yoongi didn't bother to even look at the venue worker. He didn't care about her. What he cared about was Jungkook's look of terror, how his cheeks darkened even more, how he tried to bow to their manager that was now coming towards him, but stumbled as he was still moving back from the wall.

'Let's just go,' Yoongi tried as he moved forwards himself, his voice weak, but he already knew that Jungkook's fear wasn't unreasonable. He'd been stupid. So incredibly stupid.

'Come with me,' their manager said, his voice curt and unusually unkind, a hand already on Jungkook's upper arm.

Jungkook's eyes found Yoongi's, pleading. Yoongi was only able to take it for a second.

'Come on,' he said, trying his best to sound calm. 'Can we just go to the car? This can be nothing.'

But their manager shook his head.

'We are going to the car, but this is not nothing.' He took a breath, clearly in an attempt to calm himself, then turned towards Jungkook. 'Seriously, Jungkook-ah, did you not think at all? There are ways to do this, ways that are discreet and safe and that don't endanger your career and my job. There are a million cameras in this building, there's press, there's fans, there's surveillance. How do you know she won't make herself a millionaire by selling that recording from over there?'

He pointed towards a camera towards the end of the hallway, quite a bit a way from them, but close enough to underline how right he was and how stupid Jungkook had been. The sound engineer followed their gaze and sunk under the angry glare of their manager that now met her. It took Yoongi a moment to remember that she couldn't have understood any of what had been said in Korean. Still she said, in English, 'I won't tell. You don't have to worry about...'

She took a step back, then another. She looked equally as terrified as Jungkook did, and it only worsened when she tried to turn and leave, but their manager held on to the back of her shirt.

'Come with us,' he said in Korean.

Yoongi knew for a fact that he didn't speak a word of English, that he couldn't have understood what she had said when he himself had barely done so.

'Come,' Yoongi said in English and gestured towards her. Clearly Jungkook wasn't able to take care of her right now. He was bowing again and muttering apologies in Korean. 'You are okay. Just... Maybe sign,' he tried and mimicked giving a signature. It wasn't his mess to navigate, but it being Jungkook's made it impossible for him to ignore. He didn't feel like it and yet he tried to give her a small smile. 'Talk to management.'

'But I won't say anything,' she tried again.

'Just come,' Yoongi managed, though he did reach for their manager's arm and pried it off the girl's shirt.

'She says she won't say anything,' he translated, to which Jungkook finally fell into action.

'Of course she won't! I told her she couldn't, we talked about it before...'

'And you believe her?' their manager huffed as they started walking. 'You've known her for how long? Four days? Five?'

'Please,' Jungkook all but whined. 'Just let her leave. I know I'll have to talk to management, but not her.'

'Especially her.'

There was nothing to do, but at least Jungkook fell back to walk with his newfound girlfriend now. In English, he quietly told her, 'Sorry. So sorry. Just... Talk.'

Yoongi watched them, watched the way in which Jungkook now placed a careful hand on her back, and everything inside of him turned cold. He hadn't felt this way when he had looked at their producer. She could have made eyes at Namjoon for days and it wouldn't have bothered him. But the way that this girl was looking at Jungkook as if he could save her from what was about to come made him feel a little sick to the stomach.

Yoongi followed them quietly. He could only shrug his shoulders when Jungkook looked back at him again, his eyes full of worry.

'You'll be alright,' he told him when they reached the car where more staff was gathered and the situation was quickly explained to whoever needed to know. 'They'll have her sign whatever paperwork they need and we'll get out of here.'

'I'm sorry,' Jungkook now told him, too, but Yoongi waved him off. He wasn't the one Jungkook had to apologise to. It wasn't his fault that Yoongi's heart was too involved.

The look on their head manager's face when she got into the car with the sound engineer a moment later was icy. Jungkook looked about ready to throw up. His eyes were a little shiny, his cheeks still flushed, and his shoulders slumped.

'Jungkookie,' Yoongi mumbled. He was pushing away every other feeling in his chest that wasn't concern for Jungkook. 'You know it'll be alright. You did something stupid, you'll have to listen to how stupid it was for good while, but that'll be it. As soon as we have her signature, there'll be no more risk than normal.'

Before they had debuted, things had been different. Every misstep, every badly calculated risk had meant they were out of the group with one foot. But they had contracts now that bound them to Big Hit so tightly it was sometimes scary, but reassuring at other times. Times like these. There was no way that the company would part ways with a member for anything less than a career ruining scandal. They wouldn't cut ties with Jungkook for a poorly timed kiss in a hallway that no one had seen. They would be furious with him, but there wasn't much they could do to reprimand him.

'You think she hates me now?' Jungkook's voice was so small it hurt to listen to it, even when Yoongi fought to roll his eyes at his question.

'Does it really matter? Was this actually serious?'

Jungkook shrugged and didn't say anything until Yoongi frowned and repeated his question.

'Was it?'

'No,' he sighed. 'Maybe not. I still don't want her to hate me.'

'No one could ever hate you.'

His words hung between them for a moment, sounding resigned. Jungkook brought a hand up to Yoongi's back where it stayed for a second, uncertain, grateful maybe. Then they waited. There was staff nearby, watching them curiously with more or less angry looks on their faces. Yoongi ignored them.

He thought back to yesterday when he had watched with what had probably been a similarly angry look on his face as Jungkook had exchanged simple, English words with his girl. They really had only been talking then, just like Jungkook had said at dinner, but Yoongi had paid attention after Hobi had brought it up. He had seen them after soundcheck, when she had adjusted his in-ear monitor levels, but their conversation had no longer been about that. The way she had looked at him had been full of admiration, but Yoongi hadn't thought much about it because it wasn't new.

In Korea, Jungkook received the same looks, only they were more subdued, hidden, secret. In Korea, Namjoon would have never ended up in bed with their producer this easily. But they weren't home, and things were different. The way people looked them wasn't always appropriate, and Yoongi didn't always appreciate it. Jungkook clearly did though, or at least he had done so yesterday. Yoongi remembered how he had thought that Jungkook looked more comfortable than he had with girls in the past, more confident indeed, just as Hobi had said. He had always been sweet, although shy, but these days he could return smiles with a confidence that hadn't been there a few years ago.

Clearly Jungkook knew how to play this game by now. He hadn't looked shy when he had pushed this girl up against the wall, had snuck his hands under her shirt, had let himself grind up against her. At the memory, something red hot and angry suddenly flared up inside of him and made him less invested in being kind when the car doors opened again. Jungkook only just managed to say goodbye and apologise again before his sound girl was gone, rushing down the hallway they had come from and back where she belonged. There were signed papers in their manager's hand that she waved wordlessly, but with a content look on her face.

Yoongi was done waiting and swallowing his emotions, he decided. Without another word, he got into the car when he spotted Namjoon approaching them from the distance, looking confused at the sound engineer rushing past him.

'Will you drive?' he asked as he closed the door to the van.

'It's supposed to be two to a van,' his driver hesitated, but he put the car in drive when he met Yoongi's eyes through the rearview mirror.

'Thank you,' Yoongi said before they had even started to leave. 'I'm sure the others will manage.'

Then he leaned back and closed his eyes. His breathing was trembling with adrenaline and anger. Behind his closed eyelids he saw Jungkook. He had never seen him kiss anyone before. Even back when he'd been dating, it had never happened in his presence. But now he knew. He knew what Jungkook looked like when he was with someone like that, when he was turned on, desperate enough to apparently not be able to wait for a less risky setting. And it wasn't supposed to make him feel like this. Betrayed. A punch to the stomach. A stab in the back.

All he wanted was to sit and think for a moment, but he wasn't allowed. Just when the car started to roll, the door handle was pulled at multiple times in a row, quickly, and his driver stopped and allowed it to open so that Namjoon could climb into the backseat. Yoongi fought the need to groan, but he only pressed his lips together tightly and looked out the window. They started to drive the moment that Namjoon was in the car and asked, breathless with how overwhelmed he clearly was, 'Seriously? Did this really happen?'

Yoongi inclined his head partly in confirmation, partly to say that he had no idea, really, what Namjoon was talking about.

'Jungkook-ah and some venue girl? They hooked up right in the hallway?'

Yoongi's insides tightened even more. He noticed their driver's determined focus on traffic, as if he hadn't already heard it all from when their manager had to have had a conversation in the back of the car, although probably in English.

'They didn't hook up,' he pressed. 'They were kissing.'

'What the fuck? Just right there?'

Something rose in Yoongi's chest, something more than just annoyance at Namjoon's angry tone.

'What was he thinking? He's not a trainee anymore, he's not that naive, he can't just...'

'Who do you think he got it from?'

Yoongi's voice was too harsh when it cut through Namjoon's, but he couldn't hold himself back.

'What?'

Yoongi pressed two fingers to his temple and repeated, 'Who do you think he's imitating? Who's shown him that hooking up with people that we work with is perfectly fine?'

Namjoon was quiet for a moment. Yoongi didn't have to look at him to know that he was staring.

'Shown him?' he eventually managed, sounding confused more than anything. 'He's not a child that can't think for himself. He can make his own decisions.'

'I know that! Still he's looking at you as his leader and you've been a terrible example to him! He would have never been this stupid had he not learned it from you just a few days ago!'

He didn't want to raise his voice, but it was impossible not to. Too much was pushing at his chest from the inside, waiting to be released, and it was Namjoon who was here to take it.

'What the fuck?' Finally, Namjoon started to sound angry. It was easier to bear than for him to be angry at Jungkook. 'You didn't think it was a bad idea when we last talked about it! Also, it's a completely different situation. What I did happened in private, at her house, not in some monitored hallway. Anyone could have walked in on him, do you know how reckless that was?'

Yoongi knew, yet he kept arguing. He managed to look at Namjoon now, and the anger and confusion on his face only made him feel more furious.

'He'll get enough shit from management about it. You're not here to make him feel worse for it. It was a hallway, not the fucking stage.'

'I didn't give him a hard time! I asked him if he was alright, that's all, then I got in the car to talk to you.'

'And let me guess, he couldn't even look at you? He'll be terrified that he's upset you. You have no idea how much he looks up to you, how much of an impact you have on him. What you do, he does, don't you get that?'

'I didn't tell him to hook up with venue girls,' Namjoon spat. 'I can have my own life and not be your goddamn leader for a second!'

'Well clearly he needs one!'

'So what are you angry at me for, setting a terrible example or not being a leader? Pick one.'

'Being a shitty leader! Not understanding the weight that your actions carry!'

Yoongi knew he'd gone too far when he saw Namjoon wince and all fight leave his eyes. His mouth opened for a moment, then it closed again.

'Fine,' he mumbled. 'Be like this. I don't wanna have this conversation when you're busy being jealous.'

'Jealous?' Yoongi almost had to laugh. What did he have to be jealous about? He had hit the peak of his anger though. It was difficult to hold on to it when Namjoon sounded defeated like this.

'You wanna be their leader? Go ahead. I'm sure you can do a great job. Be the fucking saint you want me to be.'

'That's bullshit. All I'm saying is that this didn't happen out of nowhere. Jungkookie's copying your every move, and you better make sure he knows when to stop.'

'You better do, too.'

Yoongi didn't say anything more. What was there to add? He knew he was in the wrong, yet he still thought that Namjoon was, too, or was at least not hearing him. He wasn't in a position to keep talking about this without it turning into an even uglier argument than it already was, and so he turned towards the window again and watched L.A. inch by as they made their awfully slow way through traffic once again.

It was painful to sit in silence like this, and by the time they reached the hotel Yoongi was about ready to apologise, but somehow he couldn't bring himself to do so. Instead, he got out of the car as soon as he could and rushed to the conference room where he was once again expected to sit through a debrief of the day. It took a long time for everyone to make it to the hotel tonight, which only spoke of how many conversations had already been had right by the venue. Jungkook came in last with their head manager, looking completely beat, his eyes a little red, his hood thrown up over his head.

Yoongi tried to catch his gaze, but was unsuccessful. He listened to the practiced instructions about their schedule and feedback about the show which was so positive, it was hard to imagine that their manager was talking about tonight. The concert already felt far away with what had happened after. The moment they were allowed to leave, Jungkook turned on the spot and didn't even wait for Jimin who was headed straight towards him. Yoongi followed him quickly. He heard management ask for Namjoon to stay behind, but didn't bother to stay himself.

It wasn't the first time that he had fought with Namjoon, but it had been a long time since it had happened like this and over something that wasn't related to minor inconveniences at the dorm like misplaced laundry or stolen food. He had never called Namjoon a bad leader before, and neither had he ever thought it to be true. He didn't do so now, either. The words had come from out of nowhere, from somewhere angry that had hit Namjoon undeservingly.

It wasn't even really anger. Not at anyone other than himself. Things would be so much easier if Jungkook didn't have the effect on him that he did. If he had run into any of the other members tonight, he would have gotten into the car and agreed with Namjoon about how bad of a decision it had been. They would have talked about how management would fix things, how they all made mistakes, and that would have been it. Instead, he had lost his temper because Jungkook was different. He had always been different.

It had hurt to see him with someone else, but strangely enough it had particularly hurt to see him with a girl. It only widened the distance between them. It wasn't like Yoongi harboured any hopes at all, and yet it felt lonely to know that Jungkook would never even begin to understand how he felt about him. Even if by some miracle they ever talked about it, Jungkook wouldn't be able to comprehend the guilt he carried with him wherever he went.

Beyond that, maybe Namjoon was right, Yoongi thought when he fell backwards onto the bed that felt more and more familiar the longer they stayed in L.A.. Maybe there was some jealousy, ugly and unfair, eating away at him. Not about Namjoon's position as a leader, but about the way Jungkook looked at him. It might not be in the way they all joked about, but it was still attention that he gave Namjoon but no one else. It was respect and awe and admiration while Yoongi was pathetically staring at him from across every room of the world, studying his eyes that were always turned somewhere else.

For a while, Yoongi contemplated whether he should leave his room again, go and speak to someone, apologise to Namjoon, console Jungkook, find their head manager to make sure everything would be alright. But if he did the latter, it would only confirm Namjoon's theory of him wanting to be leader, if he went and talked to Namjoon he would only get upset again, and he was sure that Jungkook wasn't alone right now. Jimin would be with him, no doubt, and so Yoongi took a long shower and then sat down by his laptop and portable keyboard that he stared at most of the night.

He was supposed to be working on his EP, but instead he found himself creating something new. Something heavy and dark and pitiful. Yoongi didn't like to write songs that weren't in some way uplifting, if only for their confidence and anger, but this one wasn't. It carried his guilt and shame about today, and the bridge worked perfectly for the lyrics he had written about shades of brown the other day.

...

Their next day was an off day, technically. Yoongi slept through too much of it to really be able to make use of it. He was still struggling to adjust to the new time zone, although he had just started to do a better job at it. Staying up all night to write a weeping piece of music he'd never use had ruined things. It was the afternoon when he woke up and early evening when he became hungry. So he ordered some food and, later that night, sat with his headphones on as he watched Jin game in his room.

Being with Jin had always been easy. He had heard about Jungkook of course, he put Yoongi through a minute of discussing it, he also asked whether he had fought with Namjoon, but when Yoongi waved him off, he didn't push it. He never did. Jin was company, but not in the way that Jimin, Hobi, or Taehyung would have been. He simply endured Yoongi's bad mood and accepted the silence between them until Yoongi eventually retreated back to his own room to do his duty and go live for a while before he lay awake for hours and cursed his ruined sleep schedule.

When he woke again, it was to a text from Namjoon that had come through in the middle of the night.

Can we talk today?

Yoongi reacted with a thumbs up before he dragged himself into the bathroom. He was tired again, but their schedule dictated a lengthy interview for the Grammy's museum and an appearance at a Line store that would take up most of the day. It would have been a drag on a regular day, but not really being on speaking terms with Namjoon complicated things endlessly. They were professional enough to pull themselves together all morning, but the tension between them was undeniably there, and it affected the whole group. So did Jungkook being painfully quiet and not saying a single word unless he was prompted to do so. He managed to smile for the cameras, but dropped the act every time it wasn't on him.

Yoongi wasn't sure how much the other members knew by now, but there was no doubt that they were at the very least aware of what had happened at the venue. About his car ride with Namjoon, he didn't know. Namjoon's text was enough proof that their argument was still on his mind, so chances were that he had talked to someone about it. But maybe it wasn't one of the members. Namjoon was closer to the staff than most of them were, for obvious reasons, so maybe he had chosen someone more neutral to relieve his anger about Yoongi.

As if things weren't already bad enough, Yoongi's shoulder ached more than usual and he doubled his dosage of pain killers with his lunch time coffee. Usually, pain like that was reserved for concert days, the late hours of the night after too much time spent on stage, but the lack of sleep and the four closely timed L.A. shows had done their job well.

The last thing Yoongi wanted was to continue to spend time with the group when he knew there were things to be figured out, but there wasn't a minute to be had apart from the other. After they wrapped up filming, they were shuffled into a minivan that was once again equipped with cameras, and brought to the airport to catch their flight to Oakland. The others had given up their hopes of immediate reconciliation a while ago and so they sat in silence while only Jimin was commenting on the passing streets of L.A. every now and then without expecting a response.

They got to the airport without talking, passed the large crowd of fans that had gathered inside and outside of the building, and one by one entered the lounge that had been secured for them. Yoongi had his sunglasses on despite how late in the day it was and so did Namjoon, so it took him a moment to understand that they were watching each other from across the room. Namjoon looked around, as if to check whether everyone had made it to the lounge safely, then looked back at Yoongi who jerked his head towards the large window front a few feet away.

Namjoon got up without a word, and when Yoongi made to follow him, he heard Jimin mutter, 'Finally.'

It was never easy when there were arguments within the group, and Yoongi felt just as sorry for the others as he did for Namjoon by now. He had neither deserved any of what he had said yesterday, nor to be kept waiting all day for a conversation, but there simply had been no time for them to be alone together. They were hardly alone now, either, but it was better than nothing.

Yoongi knew that the others were watching them. Of course he took note of how Jungkook tracked their every move with reddened eyes that just showed under his mask. But there was nothing he could do to make him feel better right now other than make up with Namjoon.

The moment that they reached the window and were out of easy earshot, Yoongi took a deep breath.

'I don't think you're a bad leader. I was in a mood and I let it out on you. I should have never said what I said. I'm sorry.'

Namjoon nodded. He pushed his sunglasses up onto his head and rubbed a hand over his eyes in exhaustion.

'I know. Thank you.'

For a moment, they were quiet. As easy as it could sometimes be to start stupid arguments, and no matter how intense they could feel, it was just as easy to move past them with someone like Namjoon. Yoongi was endlessly thankful for it, and yet he felt that Namjoon was letting him off too easily. Especially when he said, 'I don't think you're all wrong though. And it terrifies me sometimes. Me setting a bad example is something I've definitely thought about before, so when you said it...'

'No,' Yoongi shook his head. 'It was a fucked up thing to say. Yesterday had nothing to do with the leader role.' He turned towards the window, considered his words for a moment, then added, quietly, 'I just sometimes think you don't really see just how much they all look up to you. Jungkook-ah in particular. I wonder if you realise it, that's all.'

Namjoon shrugged.

'And I sometimes wonder if you, all of you, understand how much of a burden it can be. Maybe I don't really want to realise it.'

'Yeah. Okay,' was all Yoongi could think of saying. It wasn't news that Namjoon felt this way from time to time, which was why his own words had been so badly chosen. They had been meant to hurt, it had been no coincidence, and Yoongi wasn't proud of it. 'I said a really shitty thing,' he repeated. 'The whole leader thing.'

But Namjoon waved him off.

'You know, he looks up to you, too.' Namjoon didn't have to specify who he meant. 'And I think you realise it even less than you say that I do.'

Because it wasn't true, Yoongi wanted to say, but he bit his tongue. He didn't want another argument.

'Well then I hope he comes to his senses soon,' he mumbled.

'Hyung,' Namjoon turned towards him now and leaned his back against the window. 'Honestly, why did this hit you so hard?' He gave him a moment to respond, but then added, 'Hobi Hyung thinks you're lonely, you know?'

Yoongi huffed.

'I'm tired, is all. I sleep like shit on tour and the EP is stressing me out and my shoulder has been killing me.'

Namjoon studied him for a moment. It was more than obvious that he knew there was more, but Yoongi wasn't about to tell him how right he was. Sometimes, he really hated how impossible it was to keep secrets within the group. Impossible enough so that most of the guys didn't have many. Or at least they claimed they didn't. They rolled their eyes at Yoongi regularly, calling him secretive, and it was moments like this that were the reason for it. But what was he supposed to say?

'Tomorrow will be a full day,' Namjoon said, 'But I'll make them squeeze in a physio appointment for you before the next show.'

Yoongi nodded. What he wanted was to argue, to refuse the offer, but Namjoon's decision sounded finite. He sighed. He still felt guilty, and it was hard to just shake it off.

'You can be angry, you know. You're my leader, but you're also just a person. You don't always have to be diplomatic.'

Namjoon gave him a smile that didn't look forced.

'It's who I am as a person, not as a leader. Can't help it.'

Yoongi turned to look out over the runways. In the distance, the regular economy planes were waiting in line in front of the building's other wing. Where their group was, was a small private plane whose existence still sometimes threw Yoongi off.

'I want to know that you're alright,' Namjoon now continued, his voice low and calm. Yoongi could feel his gaze boring into him from the side. Every bit of Namjoon's awkwardness around physical affection was made up for by moments like this. His need for connection, for clear words and honesty and verbally built trust. 'You don't usually go off the way you did in the car. I won't take it personally, but I want to know why.'

For a long moment, Yoongi simply stood and watched the plane. He saw their head manager already down on the asphalt, talking to airport staff. It was rare to see her angry the way she had been yesterday, and right now she was already back to smiling widely. As he watched, Yoongi tried to imagine a conversation with Namjoon that wasn't only half of what he was thinking. A conversation in which he talked about the last two years, the ways in which affection had turned into attraction and more. It was useless though. He could hardly admit it to himself. Saying it out loud would change everything. And the problem was that there would never be any room for change. Things were the way they were, and there was nothing either he or Namjoon could do about it.

'I just have a lot on my mind.' It was one truth at least. 'Maybe I feel strange about you guys finding the time and the energy for girls when I'm struggling to stay awake long enough to write a line or two every day. Maybe that's it.'

Maybe it was part of it. It certainly wasn't something that hadn't crossed his mind before.

'Hyung,' Namjoon now mumbled. 'If you're overwhelmed, you need to talk about it. This EP is not supposed to come at the price of your mental health.'

Like the first one had, Yoongi heard. He had come to Seoul all those years ago with baggage too heavy to carry much longer, and dropping it all inside the studio he had locked himself in for weeks shortly after their debut had both helped and made things worse. It had been a process of it getting worse before it got better. Yoongi still sometimes woke up feeling weighed down by thoughts of the past, despite how he had written it all down and sworn to rise above it. What was left was a strange feeling of emptiness that sometimes overcame him without control, often when he least expected it. A feeling of grief that was aimless and came without details.

'I'm fine,' he said again. 'I knew that the tour would throw me off track. I just need more time to get used to it than you guys do.'

That, too, was true. He had never done well on tour, no matter how much he loved those moments on stage. They came at a price that he was willing to pay, but that took more of a toll on him than it did on the others.

'Okay. Just don't let it get any worse, okay? There's no need to isolate yourself. Or to let things build up.'

Yoongi only nodded. He never knew how to respond to Namjoon when he was being his most admirable self. It was the side of him that had made him leader and, mostly, the side of him that made Jungkook wide-eyed. For Yoongi, it almost felt like the opposite sometimes. He appreciated it so much that it hurt. So much that he wanted to roll his eyes and shove at Namjoon until they were laughing again. Jungkook often claimed that Namjoon made him want to be better, but all Yoongi wanted to do when he was confronted with how good a person could be was give up on himself.

'Thank you,' he made himself say as he rubbed a hand over his neck. Together they stood by the window for another moment, and Yoongi could feel the relief over their reconciliation spread through him as if he was sinking into a warm bath on a winter day. It wasn't perfect, there was still so much left unsaid, but at least he no longer had to avoid Namjoon's eyes.

It wasn't much longer until they were called to the plane where Yoongi found himself a seat next to Hobi who fell asleep within minutes after take off, his knee pressed to Yoongi's. It wasn't that late, but their day had started early and any minute of rest was a minute to make use of on tour. Only Yoongi couldn't sleep of course. He stared at his laptop again, but the flight was too short for him to get anything done. By the time they touched down in Oakland it was dark outside and while Yoongi was aching for his hotel room, Jimin and Taehyung started to excitedly make plans for the evening.

'Namjoon Hyung,' Taehyung said as they waited behind the large double doors that would let them enter the airport where security was still getting ready for them. 'We need to celebrate your birthday tonight. There won't be any time tomorrow.'

Namjoon looked up from his phone and made a face.

'We have to?'

'Yeah,' Jimin chimed in. 'In Korea, you're already one day closer to twenty-five! Happy birthday, Hyung!'

Namjoon smiled and endured Jimin's arm around his shoulder with more patience than usual.

'Actually, in the US I'm only turning twenty-four.'

Jimin rolled his eyes.

'Did you also turn American?'

Their bickering was cut short by the doors opening in front of them, but the argument about their evening plans lasted until they had reached the hotel. Half of the group wanted to go out and find a dance club or at least a bar to celebrate Namjoon and their off day, while the other half, including Namjoon, was grateful for a relatively early night at the hotel. Their compromise was the hotel bar where, when they eventually got there, Yoongi was relieved to see no cameras had been set up to capture their celebration.

Over the years as a group, birthdays had become less monumental, and yet Yoongi couldn't bring himself to disappear into his room by himself, no matter how exhausted he was from the day. He ordered whisky at the bar after management had secured them a small room in the back where they could sit by themselves without the prying eyes of other hotel guests. He wasn't the only one to order liquor, but the only one to nurse his drink quietly. Except for Jungkook.

Jungkook had been quiet all day, and even the little effort he had made for the cameras in the morning had left him the moment they had gotten into the van to the airport. He had slept, or at least closed his eyes on the plane and hadn't said a single word ever since they had sat down at the bar. Jimin had been by his side the whole day, but even he hadn't managed to fight that sadness on Jungkook's face. Now, he sat with his hood drawn up again, sipping on his fourth drink.

It had taken some time, but the guys had learned when to leave Yoongi to his own devices. They knew how to read his moods, when to leave him be and when to kick his ass. Jungkook however hadn't earned the same luxury yet. He had quiet days just as often as Yoongi did, but it wasn't as easy for the others to endure them. Seeing Jungkook withdrawn made the others dote on him in a way that was infuriating to watch. It was after the third time that he had repeated that he was okay, this time to Jin, that he downed his drink and headed for the door with a mumbled explanation about the bathroom.

Only he didn't return. Yoongi waited a few minutes, then grabbed his newly ordered drink and got up to follow him. He didn't have to say where he was going. Jimin was watching him and gave him a grateful smile as he passed by. From the lobby, there were only three options. Out the front, which Jungkook wouldn't have chosen after yesterday's lesson learned about privacy, up the elevator to the rooms which Yoongi doubted as Jungkook hadn't said good night, or out back to a patio by the pool. It was where Yoongi now turned. Had they been back in Seoul, there would have been more places to search for Jungkook, like the gym or the endless conference rooms and dance halls at the company, but Yoongi doubted that he'd be wandering the hotel by himself without knowing what there was to find.

And he was right. Out by the pool, with his back to him, Jungkook had found himself a deck chair that he was straddling as he watched the water in front of him. His hood was still drawn up and, hunched over as he was, he looked even more sad than he had at the bar.

He didn't say anything when Yoongi sat down on the deck chair right next to him. They were close enough for their knees to almost touch and for Yoongi to see that Jungkook's eyes were shiny when he turned to look at him. As if that hadn't given away enough, he wiped his sleeve over his face a moment later, as if Yoongi's appearance had somehow made his eyes well over.

'Do you want to be alone?'

Jungkook was still for a moment, then he shook his head. He was often like this. Drawn in on himself, quiet, but still in need of company. Only the pestering from the others was probably not what he wanted right now. Yoongi quietly held out his whisky for him, but Jungkook shook his head.

'I feel dizzy,' he mumbled.

Inside, Jungkook had followed Namjoon's example and ordered rum and coke, but he had downed the shots too quickly in succession. Compared to the weak beer he kept drinking in Korea, along with the occasional soju, he had to feel the effect more than Yoongi would.

'Take it easy then.'

Yoongi shook the ice cubes in his glass a little as he looked around the pool site. He would have expected it to be more crowded, but the late hour had cleared it out almost entirely even if it was still warm outside. Not quite as bad as it had been in L.A., as Oakland had blessed them with a light breeze, but still enough for Yoongi to miss the AC now that he was outside.

From the side he looked at Jungkook again, at his glistening eyes and puffy cheeks. It was impossible to see him like this and not try and make him feel better. Even on days that made Jungkook quiet and withdrawn, he hardly ever looked beaten like this.

'Do you want to tell me about it?' he offered after a moment. 'What happened at the venue after I left?'

The way that Jungkook shifted on the lounger made him seem a little uncomfortable, but he'd be honest about it if he didn't want to answer him, so Yoongi waited.

'A whole lot of the same. I don't know how many times I had to listen to how stupid I was. They fixed it all though.'

Yoongi nodded to himself. It was more or less what he had expected. With the NDA signed, there was no need to linger on the subject as long as Jungkook had learned his lesson which he evidently had.

'Then what is it that's still on your mind now?'

This time, Jungkook didn't look like he was going to say anything. Not right away. He opened his mouth, thought, but then only closed it again and started tearing out a loose threat at the foot of the lounger.

Yoongi didn't want to ask, didn't want to hear the answer, and yet the words came out.

'Did you seriously like her? Is that it?'

The way that Jungkook shook his head was slow, but not unconvincing.

'Have you talked to her since?' Yoongi tried, to which Jungkook shook his head harder.

'I don't even have her number. I didn't expect this to happen. We were just talking a little, the days that we were at the venue. It was nothing. How could I have properly talked to her in English? Then suddenly we were all alone in the hallway and she got so close, I thought I'd be stupid to say no.'

'You know better now.'

'Yeah. Of course.'

'I get it, Kook-ah,' Yoongi sighed. He took a sip of his whisky that stung in his throat pleasantly. 'It was a bad choice to make, but we can't be expected to not ever make one. Don't beat yourself up over it.'

Jungkook nodded, but he also pulled up his nose which didn't convince Yoongi that he was ready to move on.

'You fought with Hyung.'

His voice was small when he said it, the use of Hyung undefined and yet obvious in the way that he said it.

'Yeah.'

There was no use in lying about it, but Yoongi wished he'd done so when Jungkook's shoulders sank even more.

His voice was so weak when he said, 'You fought with him because of me. Management being upset with me is one thing, but I hate knowing that I messed up badly enough to get between you two somehow.'

It was instinct that made Yoongi say, 'You didn't. It was a stupid argument. Barely about you.'

Jungkook sucked on the inside of his lower lip.

'He told me about it. He apologised for being a bad leader and all when he shouldn't have had to.'

'He shouldn't,' Yoongi groaned. 'Look, I already talked to him. I was in a mood and what I said wasn't fair. Joon-ah's not in the wrong here and neither are you.'

Jungkook wiped at his eyes and Yoongi's heart ached at the sight.

'I am though. I just didn't think. I have no idea why I didn't just say no, and now everything's fucked up.'

The answer that Yoongi had already come to for himself was Namjoon. Namjoon and the example that he had set, paired with inexperience that Jungkook was endlessly teased for, if lovingly. Of course he wouldn't know how to walk away from an opportunity to catch up to his Hyungs somehow, to close that gap of two years that even Jimin and Taehyung had on him. It was no one's fault, not even Namjoon's, as Yoongi had to begrudgingly admit.

'Did you want to say no?' he now asked.

Jungkook's silence was an answer Yoongi hadn't expected. What he had seen at the venue hadn't seemed like something Jungkook hadn't been interested in. If anything, he felt certain that if things hadn't gone downhill the way they had, he would have probably had to endure a whole lot of self-satisfaction coming from Jungkook in the aftermath.

'It's not like I hated it,' Jungkook muttered. 'I just didn't have a chance to think and decide. I would have told her no had there been more time.'

'Because it wasn't smart or because you truly didn't want to?'

Jungkook shrugged, then sighed.

'I'm supposed to say I wanted her, right?'

Yoongi frowned at him now.

'You're supposed be honest.'

Finally, Jungkook turned to look at him, only just. There was a hint of wet tears visible on his cheeks. He was still picking at the loose threat, but he cast a glance at Yoongi now as if to gauge his reaction when he said, 'Okay. I wasn't all that interested in her. Of course she's pretty, but that wouldn't have been enough for me to make a move on her like that had she not done it first.'

'And what's wrong with that?'

The look on Jungkook's face was one of resignation. He wiped at his face again even though there were no new tears. Then he reached out for Yoongi's drink and took it out of his hand.

'I don't know. I guess I should be interested, right? It's been two years since Nayeong-ah after all.'

Still, Yoongi was frowning.

'The only thing you should be is honest with yourself. If you don't want to date, you don't have to date.'

He watched Jungkook smell the drink, make a bit of a face, then take a sip.

'A date. I would have loved to take her on a date.' He looked down at the glass thoughtfully, then tried taking another drink. 'But there's never time for that. In a way, I felt like I should take what I could get.'

It wasn't a thought that Yoongi had never had before. But it had always been just that, a thought. It had been a long time since he had acted on the instinct to choose a mediocre experience over nothing.

'Kook-ah,' he said again, carefully. 'Here's what I said to Namjoon-ah. I think you're trying too hard to become like him. Not only him, maybe, but all of the members. What, they tease you at dinner and two days later you shove some girl up against a wall? If you had told me right now that that was what you wanted, fine, but don't run around creating experiences the others are telling you to have. You can think for yourself.'

Jungkook's eyes were no longer glistening, but instead they were large when they met Yoongi's. Attentive. Curious. He looked at him for a long moment in which Yoongi cursed his own heart for skipping a beat and stumbling. He missed the days in which Jungkook had been only a brother to him, someone he wanted to look out for, someone who was sweet and thoughtful and fascinating on all levels that were safe.

'I can,' Jungkook nodded. He handed the whisky back to Yoongi. 'I don't like this much.'

Yoongi managed a smile, even if it was small.

'We'll find you another drink.'

'You promised,' Jungkook remembered. 'A drink for every city. We never went out in L.A.'

'We can start now.'

Jungkook nodded, then looked out over the pool once more. His hood was drawn up into his face so far that Yoongi couldn't see much of his features when he was turned away from him. If he didn't want to comment more on what Yoongi had said, Yoongi wouldn't push him.

'It makes it even worse, doesn't it? I made you fight and I upset management and I risked so much for something I didn't even really want.'

'You don't have to worry about the fight. That's in the past, okay?'

He saw Jungkook nod, but it was clear that things were more complicated than that. Slowly, Yoongi reached a hand out to Jungkook's shoulder. It wasn't like he had never comforted him before, or like a small touch like this was rare, and still it was new that the two of them spent time alone together like this, discussing something as personal as who Jungkook did and didn't want to kiss. Jungkook's body felt warm through the thick material of his sweater, not unfamiliar, but it didn't come without excitement, either.

Yoongi dragged his thumb over the seam of his sweater right by his shoulder when he told him, 'Everything I could tell you, Jimin-ah has already said, I'm sure. I get that you're not happy right now, but you don't need to feel bad for the group at least, yeah? We all mess up.'

Jungkook nodded. He half turned towards Yoongi again, sniffed, then said, 'It's different. With Jimin Hyung. He's not at all like you.'

'Yeah?'

'Yeah. He wants me to feel better so badly, but he doesn't acknowledge it much when things suck. It's like he wants me to just move on without giving a damn.'

'It's Jimin-ah's way of dealing with things. Distraction.'

'I know. But I like your way.'

The warmth that spread through Yoongi was dangerous. He drew back his hand and downed the whisky left in his glass so that only ice was left. Then he cleared his throat.

'Do you wanna stay out here for a bit?'

Jungkook made a vague sound, but a moment later he asked, 'Can we get a drink? Maybe they'll have Irish Bombs.'

Yoongi couldn't help but smile at the memory. It had only been a few weeks since he had introduced Jungkook to Guinness beer on Malta. They had made a show out of it because that was what it had been, an episode for their upcoming documentary. But of course it had meant something to Yoongi anyways to be paired up with Jungkook for the day and to spend time with him, even if it had only been at a bar and even if it had only been staged.

'I don't know. It's something they'd have at pubs, not hotels.'

'You don't want to check?'

Jungkook's eyes were gleaming a little now with something that looked more like at least a hint of excitement rather than tears.

'You still dizzy?'

He shook his head and stood up as if to prove a point. He was steady on his feet, but had to run his sleeve over his face once more as his nose was still runny.

'You've cried more on this tour than I've seen you cry the entire last year,' Yoongi noted. He couldn't keep a small smile from tugging at his lips and he was glad to see that Jungkook at least tried to mirror it.

'I'll be better, Hyung.'

Yoongi looked up at him.

'Not for my sake.'

He reached out the hand that didn't hold his glass and let Jungkook help him up.

'I'm truly sorry though. About the whole mess. I'll apologise to the others.'

It was all Yoongi could do to shrug in agreement. As much as he would defend Jungkook in front of anyone else, it wasn't like he hadn't put the group at risk and owed them at least a word of acknowledgement.

Jungkook stayed close to him as they returned inside and headed towards the bar. In another world, Yoongi thought, they wouldn't have to worry about being watched as they moved around anywhere that wasn't their designated rooms or closed off areas. In another world, he might have taken Jungkook to the bar, bought him a drink, leaned in close, told him about how when he had last kissed someone up against a wall, it hadn't been a girl.

But their life was theirs, and they didn't even make it to the bar by themselves. It was Jimin who came looking for them which shouldn't have come as a surprise. It was also Jimin who made them return to their joint table once they learned that there were no Irish Bombs on the hotel menu. Once they were back with the group, Jungkook made an effort to include himself in the conversation and quickly became the centre of attention as everyone was too glad to hear him talk again to allow him to stop.

They waited until midnight to toast to Namjoon together, but Yoongi didn't last much longer after that. He exchanged a look with Namjoon when he eventually left, a smile, something grateful going both ways.

Chapter Text

Their show in Oakland was the best one the tour had held so far. After a rocky start in Seoul and L.A., they finally managed to let loose during their encore and get through the concert with less tension in between songs. There was obvious relief about how Jungkook was smiling again, how Namjoon joked around with Yoongi backstage, and how, for the first time, no one was in any significant pain the whole evening.

The best thing about it, Yoongi thought, was that the show was followed by two days with a very light schedule that allowed him to lock himself in his hotel room and finally get some work done. On the first night off stage the group chat filled with pictures of the other members enjoying Oakland to which Yoongi could only add a selfie with his headphones on. On the second night, he knew there were similar plans to explore the city, and yet someone knocked on his door just when he had opened his laptop.

Jungkook was the last person he would have expected. Not because he would have sworn he would be out with the others, as Jungkook swayed back and forth between being social and withdrawn at a dizzying speed, but because him staying in likely meant that he wanted time to himself. If he didn't feel like being alone, he would have joined Jimin and Taehyung like he had the night before. But instead here he was, in sweatpants and a simple white shirt, his face bare, his hair messy the way it sometimes got at the dorm when he didn't have to go anywhere. In his hand he held two bags of crisps.

'Hyung,' he smiled. 'Why are you rotting away in here?'

Yoongi huffed out a laugh and ran a hand through his equally messed up hair. It was worse, maybe, as he hadn't washed it since after the show two days ago.

'I'm working. Not everyone has the luxury to be young, wild, and free.'

Jungkook's smile widened at his words and he looked past him into the hotel room.

'Can I come in?'

Yoongi stepped aside. He would have done so even if he had actually already started to work.

'Haven't the others already left?'

What he really wanted to know was what Jungkook was doing here, but he had a feeling that he wouldn't get a satisfying answer to a direct question like that. Jungkook liked to be evasive, annoyingly so, whenever he didn't feel like explaining himself.

'Yeah,' he only nodded. 'After dinner. I didn't see you downstairs.'

It was only at those words that Yoongi realised that maybe Jungkook was right about him shutting himself away in his room. He hadn't even known that having dinner together as a group was something that had been planned. He had lived off of room service once a day and had otherwise not expected any meals.

Lazily, he shrugged. Jungkook was standing in the middle of the room now and was looking around curiously, as if his own didn't look exactly the same.

'At least you ate?' he asked and indicated a tray of half eaten lunch from earlier.

'A while ago,' he realised. 'I'm up for dinner if you'll join me.'

'I want something spicy.' It was always easy to persuade Jungkook to eat, regardless of how full he already had to be. 'Downstairs was pretty boring. They had burritos I was excited about, but they didn't taste like much.'

'Let's see if we can get ramen?'

Jungkook nodded enthusiastically, then dropped first his snacks and then himself at the foot of the bed.

'You're really just working?'

Yoongi gave him a suspicious look. 'What else would I be doing?'

Jungkook leaned back a little, resting himself onto his elbows. As much as Yoongi wished he could have simply watched the way his shirt rode up at his waist and the way his muscles shifted in his upper arms, he made himself move over towards his desk instead.

'I don't know. The guys were wondering.'

'Wondering?'

Jungkook shook his bangs out of his eyes.

'Like, a few days ago Hobi Hyung said something about you being lonely and Taehyung Hyung turned it into this joke about you secretly having people up in here.' He paused. 'Girls, I mean.'

The way he said it, the way he almost stumbled over the added explanation, made Yoongi bite down on another smile. It was a distracted one though. He remembered Namjoon having said the same thing, reciting Hobi's concern about him being lonely. Had that been the same conversation? When had they all gotten together and discussed his way of withdrawing from the group from time to time in the exact same way that he had done for years?

'Well, sorry to disappoint,' he said. 'My life isn't as interesting as yours.'

Maybe it was a little too soon. Jungkook made a face that alarmed Yoongi for a second, but then he only said, 'I didn't think it was true. I was wondering about the other part.'

'The other part?'

Jungkook nodded. He shifted around on the bed to get more comfortable and Yoongi watched him carefully from where he now leaned against the desk. How was it that Jungkook looked just as devastatingly beautiful like this, ready for a night in, as he did on stage after an hour spent on his hair and make up?

He let Jungkook return his gaze for a long moment and pretended he didn't know what he had meant.

'Are you lonely, Hyung?'

The way he asked the question was careful, honest, but not frustrating in the way it easily could have been from someone else. There wasn't too much sympathy or worse, pity, in his tone, but more so curiosity.

'If Hobi were truly worried, he would be here with me right now,' Yoongi noted. 'Don't you think?'

'Yeah. Maybe,' Jungkook granted. 'Still.'

Yoongi shook his head.

'I'm not lonely, Kook-ah. Honestly, I don't know where this is coming from. I have a lot of work to do, touring has never been easy to adjust to, and every now and then I need a break from you guys. That's it.'

He said the last bit with a smile, an attempt to make light of their conversation, when really, it irritated him that Hobi's unfounded concern had now spread to Jungkook. He was the last person Yoongi wanted to ever have to worry about anything. Especially since there was nothing for him to get hung up on in regards to Yoongi's social life.

'You didn't seriously stay in to keep me company, right?' Yoongi sighed.

Jungkook shook his head, but Yoongi remained sceptical. He braced himself in anticipation of an argument, but the answer Jungkook gave him was easier to accept than anything else he could have said.

'I need a break from them, too.'

This, Yoongi believed in an instant. It was a fairly recent development, but Jungkook growing up over the last few years had entailed him needing more time for himself which Yoongi thought was a good trait to have.

'And honestly,' Jungkook continued, 'Last night gave me a headache. We had cocktails, and they were so sweet I didn't realise how much I was actually drinking until this morning.'

Yoongi couldn't hold back another laugh.

'You drink like a teenager. Seriously, your best friends are from '95, they're in their twenties! They should know better.'

'I'm in my twenties,' Jungkook laughed, a slight pout on his lips. Before Yoongi could protest and remind him of how barely that was true, he added, 'And you're my best friend, too, Hyung. Teach me!'

Instinctively, Yoongi's eyes wandered over to the minibar. There was champagne there, a cliché, and a bottle of Jack Daniel's he had already taken a couple of swigs of yesterday.

'Food first,' he decided. He grabbed the room service menu to scan it, but Jungkook was already taking his phone out of the pocket of his sweats.

'There's no ramen at the hotel,' he said as he started to type more quickly than Yoongi ever would. 'Namjoon Hyung ordered from a Korean place yesterday, I'll try and find it.'

As he concentrated, he started to suck on his lower lip. Yoongi's gaze got stuck on the little birthmark right below his mouth. It was the main reason why he loved Jungkook's bare face. That and the small scar up high on his cheekbone. It told a story Yoongi wasn't a part of, but somehow the association with it was only moments in which Jungkook was completely himself. Not on stage, not working, but someone he was only around the members and the other few close friends he had. Yoongi could see it now when he leaned forward a little.

Earlier, Yoongi had closed the blinds again so he could work without distractions from the outside. It was only the two small bedside lamps that were turned on and that bathed the room in a warm yellowish tint. Having Jungkook here, sitting on his bed in his most comfortable clothes, made Yoongi's heart race stupidly when he studied him like this. It wasn't often that they spent time alone together, for Yoongi's own sanity, and when they did, it was usually unplanned and not much noticed at the dorm.

'How's your throat?' Yoongi remembered to ask when he felt like he had watched his fill of Jungkook scrolling with a concentrated look on his face.

'Fine. A little dry. They brought this inhaler up to my room to use, but I'm too lazy for it.'

'Kook-ah.'

'I know.'

'You have too many shows ahead of you to exchange medicine for cocktails.'

'Hyung,' Jungkook whined, looking up now. 'I really know. I'll use it tonight, okay?'

Yoongi shrugged. He pushed himself off of the desk now and circled it to slam his laptop shut. With Jungkook here, he wouldn't get any work done, but it was a sacrifice he was willing to make. He would have made it for any member, but the times he had spent alone with Jungkook like this in the past were so limited, he knew he'd savour it more than anything.

'Don't shut it down.'

Yoongi looked over to the bed from where Jungkook was looking at him now.

'I want to listen.'

'I already told you there's nothing new to listen to. I spend a lot of time staring at blank screens here, to be honest.'

Jungkook considered this for a moment, than sat up properly again and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, his phone still in his hands.

'Is it always like that?' he asked. 'The process?'

'More or less. There's always a part that drags on. I wrote both the music and the lyrics so quickly, I knew there'd be a phase in the process that would be more difficult and this is it.'

'I envy you for it,' Jungkook surprised him by saying. 'I wish I knew how to write my own music like this.'

'You do know.'

'Not like you do.'

Yoongi considered this, tilted his head, then walked towards Jungkook. He sat down on the bed with some distance between them, but Jungkook quickly came closer, his eyes back on his phone as he let out a happy sound.

'This is the one!'

Their knees touched as Jungkook leaned over to show Yoongi the menu of the restaurant he had found, a proud smile on his face. Yoongi took the phone, ran his finger over the broken edge of the screen, and began scrolling through the menu until he realised that he didn't have a preference.

'You pick something,' he decided. 'I really don't care.'

Jungkook shook his head at him, but happily took his phone back.

'How can you not care?' he muttered as he started to add too many items to the cart. Yoongi watched him with amusement, then handed over his credit card when Jungkook eventually showed him the total that would have shocked Yoongi a few years ago when money had still been tight. The look on Jungkook's face was one of self-satisfaction when he snatched the card away from him without a word of gratitude and Yoongi hit him over the back of the head for it, making him laugh.

It was easy to hang out with Jungkook. It always had been, or else the group wouldn't be where it was. Despite the complicated tangle of emotions that Yoongi felt for him, despite the guilt and the want and the secrets, Yoongi always managed to relax around Jungkook. It was easy to let him lead the conversation and indulge him, and it was especially rewarding knowing that the people that Jungkook became dominant in conversations with were very much limited. So he let Jungkook show him American pop songs on his phone, talk him through how to use instagram even when it was with an unofficial account, and listened to Jungkook sing along to whatever song he put on.

'You should record guides for me again,' Yoongi told him after Jungkook hit a particularly high note while standing by the window and looking down at the streets of Oakland. 'Once the lyrics are ready.'

'If you want me to,' Jungkook nodded. As if Yoongi would have ever considered anyone else. Jungkook had done most of the guides for his first EP and every time he stumbled upon them on his hard drive he still closed his eyes and gave them a listen.

'It's good to see you smile again,' was something else Yoongi told him, a good while later when their food had arrived and Jungkook was three portions into what was his second dinner. They were sitting cross legged on the bed with the take out spread out between them. Jungkook had chosen well, had added all of Yoongi's favourites, and Yoongi was only realising now how little he had eaten since they had left Korea. He felt satisfied in a way that he hadn't done all week, and still Jungkook wasn't finished but kept digging his chopsticks into the variety of dishes.

Jungkook hummed around his food as a lazy response to his comment. With his mouth full, he said, 'There's no point in dwelling on it, right?'

Yoongi raised an eyebrow at him.

'Are those Jimin-ah's words?'

Jungkook smirked and made a sound like so and so.

'I agree with him. Or well, I want to. I still feel bad about L.A., but Hyung is right in saying I can't go back in time, right?'

He put down his chopsticks and leaned back a little, but was still eyeing the leftover food between them. When Yoongi started to close the containers and eventually got up to place them onto the desk, he didn't complain though. He also didn't complain when Yoongi crouched down in front of the minibar and began studying its contents.

'You liked the rum and coke at the bar, right?'

He looked back over his shoulder and saw that Jungkook had turned onto his stomach. How he could do so without throwing up, Yoongi had no idea.

'I did,' Jungkook nodded. 'It got better the more I had.'

'Well, we don't have coke and this is no rum. Actually, you hated the whisky you tried by the pool.' Behind him, Jungkook started to laugh when Yoongi took the bottle of Jack out of the fridge. 'But you'll like it just fine.'

'I trust you.'

Yoongi looked at him and was met with eyes that were too trusting indeed.

'Well, the only other option is champagne,' he mumbled, fighting a blush for no reason at all.

'We'll save that for your EP.'

Yoongi managed a smile. He walked back over to the bed with two glasses in his hand. As he poured each of them a drink, he finally thought of a response to what Jungkook had said before.

'You still feel bad about it? Have you talked to Namjoon-ah again?'

Jungkook shook his head. He was looking down at his hand where Yoongi was filling his glass.

'No. He tried, but I don't really want to.'

'Huh,' Yoongi hummed. He sat the bottle down by the foot of the bed.

'I feel guilty for it,' Jungkook mumbled. 'Like, really guilty. It's embarrassing.'

There was no way that Yoongi could admit to how much he was able to relate to the feeling of guilt. Not to Jungkook, ever.

'We all make mistakes, Kook-ah.'

He held his glass out to knock it against Jungkook's who smelled its contents, looked Yoongi straight in the eye for a moment, then finished the shot with one smooth swallow. He didn't make a face the way Yoongi had expected. As much as Yoongi joked about his drinking habits, he was no stranger to alcohol in general.

'It's good,' Jungkook nodded. 'Strong.'

Yoongi moved to refill their glasses. As he did so, Jungkook shifted on the bed a little, drew one leg up underneath the other, and said, 'You've never made a mistake like that.'

It only took one glance for him to continue.

'I mean, you've upset management in your own ways, but you haven't been caught making out with anyone. Taehyung Hyung gets reprimanded every other day for going out, but even he has never been yelled at for this kind of stuff.'

'They yelled at you?' Yoongi's glass was already touching his lips, but he halted with a sudden frown.

'Not really. A little.'

Still Yoongi frowned, but he moved to knock back his second drink. Across from him, Jungkook mirrored him almost perfectly.

'That's not fair.'

'I deserved it.'

Yoongi only shook his head. Then he thought.

'You call what I saw making out? Really?'

He didn't know why he said it. Maybe it was because it brought the most endearing mix of shyness and something playful onto Jungkook's face when he smirked.

'I mean, it wasn't just a kiss, was it?'

His voice was smooth when he said it, too obviously practiced in talking like this, probably with Jimin. It was something Yoongi could only imagine. The things the two of them talked about when they were alone with each other which they were so much more often than Yoongi was with Jungkook. He wasn't the one Jungkook told about these things. It was new that he was here now, and it was even more new for them to linger on the subject of Jungkook's kissing habits, but somehow Yoongi didn't want to move on from it. As ambiguous as the feelings that he had about it were, a part of them was definitely curiosity.

'You still don't think it was worth it?' he asked. 'Wasn't it at least good?'

He remembered too late what Jungkook had said about how he hadn't really wanted it all that much. How he had simply not known how to react. But Jungkook was still smirking a little when he shrugged with one shoulder. Then he reached for the whisky bottle.

'It was, I guess,' he smiled as he poured them both another drink. 'Still wouldn't do it again, but it was hot.'

It was dangerous to speak to Jungkook like this, Yoongi knew when his heart beat a little faster at Jungkook's choice of words. He didn't need to think about what kind of things turned Jungkook on. He didn't need to think back on what he had seen at all. At how Jungkook had pressed this girl up against the wall, how he had towered over her, how he had seemed so in control of the kiss. How his hips had moved.

He was a little glad when Jungkook knocked his drink back and added, 'It was hot which is why it's so embarrassing. Staff thinks I'm this desperate, hormonal time bomb now. It's humiliating.'

Yoongi choked on his drink a little, but for laughter, not for being scandalised.

'They'd think that even if it hadn't been good. It wouldn't make a difference. At least you got to enjoy it.'

'Not really,' Jungkook shook his head, ambiguously. His cheeks were clearly starting to warm up from the alcohol. 'It's strange. A part of me liked it, another part wasn't all that interested to begin with.'

'I think that's your body versus your mind speaking.'

Jungkook shrugged. He reached for the bottle again which made Yoongi kick his leg out against his.

'Take it easy.'

But Jungkook only raised an eyebrow at him, attractively so, and continued to refill their glasses.

'They offered to pay for it, you know?' he said too quickly. His cheeks were properly reddened now, but suddenly it seemed like more than the Jack.

'What?'

Jungkook's embarrassment made a lot more sense the moment that Yoongi began to wrap his head around how uncomfortable his conversations with management had really been.

'They said that as a company, they'd help set things up for me back in Korea if that was what I wanted. If that was what it would take to minimise risks.'

It wasn't unheard of in the industry, but it certainly wasn't something that had been offered to Yoongi in the past or that he had thought their management would be willing to consider. He could only gape at Jungkook for a moment before he reached for the bottle again. They were drinking too quickly, but there were too many images in Yoongi's mind, now of Jungkook with a perfected, well chosen girl eager to please him. It made him sick to think about it.

'Would you consider it?'

He didn't even get to finish the question before Jungkook slapped his thigh rather hard.

'What the fuck?' he half asked, half laughed. 'Of course not. I can get laid without paying for it if I want to.'

'Yeah?' Yoongi teased him. It was too easy, and his tongue was turning too loose. He felt warm all over, a pleasant tingle spread through his body, and a lazy smile was stuck on his lips.

'Yeah. Of course.'

But Jungkook looked down at his glass as he said it, no longer quite as confident. He set it down to the floor, then let himself fall back onto the mattress. He let out a small laugh when the impact made him bounce, then reached up to press a hand against his stomach.

'Wow,' he laughed. 'I feel it more than I would soju.'

'Makes sense.'

Yoongi only watched him for a moment. Jungkook had closed his eyes and so it was safe to let his gaze linger. With his cheeks flushed and his hair messy and his clothes so comfortable he looked all kinds of addicting tonight. There was a reason why Yoongi never sought him out like this, and this was it.

'What about you, Hyung?'

Jungkook sounded a little lazy, but not at all uninterested.

'What about me?'

'You never talk about girls.'

'Neither do you. Not to me.'

It was easier to divert this conversation than to dive into the reasons for Yoongi's silence.

'I do right now.'

'Only because I saw you grind up against the sound engineer.'

The laugh Jungkook let out turned into an embarrassed groan. Yoongi watched his chest move, then caught his gaze when Jungkook craned his neck a little to be able to look at him. He reached for the bottle of Jack from the floor, but set his glass down next to the bed in return. He was getting tired of refilling it and instead opted to take a swig straight from the bottle while Jungkook watched him without judgement.

'What do you want me to tell you?' Jungkook asked, his voice genuinely curious. 'You know all about Nayeong-ah. You know about Hana Noona. There's no one else except a kiss back in Busan when I was too young for it to count.'

Yoongi considered this for a moment. As he did so, Jungkook brought himself up onto his elbows and took the bottle out of his hands.

'I don't know,' he finally decided. 'I guess I only ever heard about these things from Jimin-ah. We don't talk like that. You and I.'

Jungkook took a sip of Jack. It should have felt wrong to see him drink like that when to Yoongi, he was still someone he felt protective over, but somehow his less than innocent thoughts about Jungkook had started to cancel out that instinct a while ago. If Jungkook was old enough to make Yoongi wake up in the middle of the night grinding against the mattress, he was old enough to make his own decisions and get drunk straight from the bottle.

It was what Yoongi wanted right now, anyways. A night in which the world became less serious.

'We can talk like that,' Jungkook now told him. His lips were glistening. 'I want us to if you do. I just don't think I have a whole lot to tell.'

Yoongi shrugged.

'The last time I as much as kissed someone was five years ago.'

It was as much of a truth as he could give Jungkook. It wasn't fair to expect him to talk about L.A. without Yoongi giving him at least a little bit of a confession himself. And Jungkook took it without batting an eye.

'Five years? Before debut?'

'My last night in Daegu.'

Yoongi was starting to stumble, caught between a lie and a distraction and some other kind of evasion, but Jungkook didn't ask for details. He didn't force Yoongi into pronouns or specifics. Instead he asked, 'Why? I mean, I probably know why. But if you really wanted to, you know you could date. I dated Hana Noona.'

It took Yoongi a while to respond in which he drank more, then handed the bottle back to Jungkook who did the same. Yoongi was used to that warm, fuzzy feeling of a buzz, but he was also no stranger to the next stage that he was quickly sliding towards. If he didn't stop now to give his body time to process the amount of alcohol he had downed too quickly, he'd be losing his grip soon. And yet he took the bottle when Jungkook handed it back wordlessly, still waiting for a response.

'I don't know,' Yoongi mumbled. 'Right after debut, there was only the group. We hardy had time to eat or sleep. When things changed and there were moments to breathe again, I used them to write and then things fell apart for a while. There was no room for dating. Now, it's just no longer a priority the way it was when I was younger. I focus my energy on other things.'

The way that Jungkook listened to him was too intense. As if he had somehow never heard Yoongi speak before. But had he? Like this? With his mind buzzing, Yoongi tried to recall if he had ever talked to Jungkook about this, but all he could come up with were a few nights in which Jungkook had, rather helplessly, kept him company when he had sensed that Yoongi had needed it. They had sat in silence through moments in which Yoongi had been at his lowest, and Jungkook had played his part in reassembling Yoongi when it had been needed, but words had never been their way of connecting.

'I sometimes wonder how,' Jungkook admitted. His eyes were a little glazed over, his pupils blown. 'I think it was part of the reason why it hit me so hard when Nayeong-ah and I didn't work out. It just confirmed what everyone's been saying. That it's impossible to make it work.'

Yoongi shook his head before he was even done speaking.

'It's not a universal truth. It's like I said, it's a matter of priorities. You know that. You know idols that are in relationships. Look at Hobi.'

Jungkook took another sip from the bottle.

'Hobi Hyung's relationship started before debut. It's different.'

'Maybe,' Yoongi granted. 'But still. If you met someone that you felt serious about, it wouldn't be impossible. Just different from how things would be if you lived a normal life.'

For Jungkook. For Jungkook who would one day meet a girl he would fall desperately in love with and who would love him back with all her heart. Jungkook would live a fairytale life and would one day build a family of wide eyed, miniature versions of himself.

Jungkook wanted girls.

Yoongi reached for the bottle. This time, he drank enough for Jungkook to let out a disbelieving laugh and push at his chest, making him cough.

'We're drinking like that?' Jungkook asked, amused. He'd always gotten giggly after drinking. When he imitated Yoongi with a challenging look in his eyes, Yoongi didn't stop him.

'You can drink however you want to drink.' Yoongi's tongue felt heavy. His words weren't coming out right, but at least he hadn't dribbled whisky all over his shirt the way that Jungkook did now. His chin was glistening, sticky, and Yoongi fought his own body when he was halfway through the motion of reaching out to wipe at his skin, maybe with his tongue.

'Hyung,' Jungkook smiled, stumbled, as he looked down at himself. He spluttered with a laugh, then only took another drink. 'I like this.'

'Yeah? Go slow.'

It was advise that he should take himself. The bottle was halfway empty and still they kept handing it back and forth wordlessly for a while. Yoongi didn't often drink like that, with the only limit being the bottom of the bottle, but it was what he wanted tonight. He had come on this tour in good spirits and had since then continued to work himself into a tense and moody version of himself over the course of a week. There hadn't been many moments in the US that had felt weightless, that he would look back on with a smile, except for when he had been on stage.

He didn't want to look back on this tour and think of Namjoon's angry and hurt face and Jungkook's tears and how endlessly tired he was and how Jungkook's hips had moved into that girl. He wanted the smile that was now carved onto Jungkook's face, wanted the joy in his eyes even when it was intoxication. Off stage, it was the first time on tour that Yoongi felt happy to be there.

'Yoongi Hyung,' Jungkook grinned over the bottleneck that brushed against his lips. 'Will you hang out with me like this? Will you tell me about your girlfriends and buy me food and teach me drinks?'

'We are,' Yoongi tried, but Jungkook talked over him, giggling, 'Will you?' His hand was on Yoongi's shoulder where it toyed with the collar of his shirt.

Yoongi took another drink. His gaze was fixed on Jungkook's shiny lips.

'I've never had a girlfriend I could tell you about.'

Jungkook's smile was slow, maybe not entirely understanding after the amount of drinks he'd had. Yoongi himself wasn't thinking clearly anymore, and he was used to harder liquor. How Jungkook had to feel, he could only imagine.

'Hyung,' Jungkook managed, his smile still wide. 'But you've dated? You've... You've had sex, right? You talk about it, you rap about it, you...'

'Yeah, Kook-ah,' Yoongi half sighed, half laughed. 'I've had sex.'

With girls, even that much was true. It had been a stumbling, confusing affair the very first time, and a slightly better, yet still overall underwhelming experience the second time around even though he had genuinely liked the second girl. It had all fallen into place when his friend, another rapper, had shoved his hand down his jeans after a show one night. But that part he couldn't tell Jungkook about. He hadn't even told Namjoon. No one in Seoul knew. The only people in Daegu who did were the guys he'd fooled around with once things had made sense.

'When? The first time, how old were you?' Jungkook now asked, his eyes somehow even wider than they usually were. God, he was so drunk. Maybe Yoongi should take the bottle from him. But it was as he had said. Jungkook could make his own decisions.

'Before debut,' Yoongi slurred, repeated. 'I told you. Back in Daegu.'

'How old were you?'

Sober, Yoongi would have maybe lied.

'Fourteen. Though she was a lot older. Unlike me, she knew what she wanted. She was a dancer, like yours, actually, part of this street crew.'

Jungkook let out a laugh, but belatedly. As if he had processed something else first. 'Like mine. Nayeong-ah was never mine.'

'I'm glad.'

The words were out before Yoongi could rethink them, and Jungkook's eyes were instantly curious, even in his drunken state.

'I'm glad,' he repeated. 'She didn't deserve you. I know that back then you were upset over more than the fact that dating is hard as an idol. You deserved more.'

Even with years having passed, Yoongi still found it hard to think about. He still remembered how crushed Jungkook had been for weeks. He had dealt with it both so privately and so openly at once in a way that was hard to explain looking back at it.

'You waited,' Yoongi found himself muttering, as if Jungkook wasn't still listening. 'With Hana-ssi. You had all those romantic ideals about first times. Then you gave them all away with Nayeong-ssi because you thought you'd been too idealistic before. You gave her such an important moment that should have happened with someone more meaningful and what did she do in return? She told you that was it. If she only wanted a single night, she shouldn't have picked you. You brought her roses for that first date and she still didn't get it. She's a fucking asshole for that.'

The alcohol that ran down his throat no longer burned. It simply tasted dull now, but Yoongi liked the numbness of it. He also liked when Jungkook moved into his personal space. When he wrapped his arms around his neck, when his body pressed into his, too hard, too strong, with so much force that they both fell backwards. The room spun for a moment in which Yoongi processed the softness beneath him. He was lying back on the bed with Jungkook half on top of him, holding on to him tightly.

His voice wasn't clear when he spoke into his neck.

'How do you know? How do you...'

Yoongi didn't understand the end of the sentence. Jungkook was mumbling too much and besides, Yoongi was distracted by the way that his lips moved against his skin. It was how Jimin had to feel all the time, Yoongi thought stupidly. This was nothing for Jungkook. It was a hug, just not a careful, polite one. It was messy, with his lips brushing against his neck and his breath giving him goosebumps and his chest pressing him into the mattress too violently. It was how he touched Jimin every single day. How he probably fell asleep next to him.

To Yoongi, it was molten gold flooding his veins. It made him forget where he was for a moment. He took a deep breath, full of Jack and the faint tang of soap and foreign fabric softener from the US. Jungkook. It was Jungkook, Jungkook, Jungkook. His body felt hot all over, his hands wrapped around him instinctively, holding him close, but even though he was still moving, another part of him was already panicking.

'Koo,' was all he managed before Jungkook already sat up. It was breathtaking to see him from this view, propped up above Yoongi, looking down at him with his biceps straining on each side of him. It made him feel weak not only in his heart.

'You're my favourite Hyung,' Jungkook smiled. 'My favourite.'

He wasn't. Yoongi opened his mouth to say so, but there were no words. Instead he watched, as if from outside of his own body, as he let his hands run over Jungkook's shoulder blades and to his upper arms where his muscles felt so strong and unyielding. Yoongi watched his own hands, watched himself trace his fingers over Jungkook's skin. In another world, he thought, he would have wrapped his legs around him, too. Would have pulled him down to him.

'Yoongi Hyung,' Jungkook now laughed. There was no reason for him to be laughing other than the alcohol in his system that made everything slow down for Yoongi. It felt like an eternity before Jungkook sat up further and moved out of Yoongi's reach. 'Let's finish this.'

He almost fell off the bed when he reached for the bottle, and Yoongi was moving too slowly to be able to hold him. But Jungkook caught himself, laughed again, then took a couple of large swigs from the bottle. They had almost finished it all by now. Had that been the plan? For Jungkook to down nearly half a bottle of Jack this quickly as a result of his curiosity for American liquor? Yoongi frowned when he rethought the last hour, but all he could do now was take the bottle from Jungkook and finish it himself.

It was done. Together, they lay in bed, Jungkook somehow right next to him now, both of them on their backs. They waited, but Yoongi didn't know what for. The room was spinning, he felt heavy and warm and content. Somewhere in the back of his mind were thoughts of Jungkook on some other bed, with someone other than him, less dressed, more out of breath.

'Hyung,' Jungkook mumbled after a while. He sounded sleepy now, and still there was a hint of amusement in his tone. 'You were fourteen. You were so young. '

Yoongi closed his eyes. He didn't want to think of Daegu right now. Of that night all those years ago in which he'd thought he'd won the jackpot until he'd looked up at a girl he'd hardly known and hadn't felt any of what he'd expected, or maybe hoped to feel. It still had been over too quickly. He hadn't told his friends about it, no matter how proud he'd felt up until the moment she'd pushed him down onto the sofa in that beaten down studio space his senior friend had rented back in the day.

'I was a little older when I first did it again. With another girl in Daegu,' he hummed. 'Daegu Town.'

Next to him, Jungkook let out a small laugh.

'Busan,' he echoed in the same sleepy tone. 'I wasn't in Busan anymore at fourteen.'

Fuck. Jungkook really had been so young when he had come to Seoul. When Yoongi had first seen him at fifteen, intimidated and shy. How was it that Yoongi had been even younger than that when he had found himself on that couch? He'd been a child. He'd wanted to grow up so badly.

'We're not kids anymore,' Yoongi said into the silence. 'Not now.'

Jungkook's hum was low.

'You're the only one who doesn't treat me like that.'

It wasn't true, but clearly Jungkook's drunk self thought only in extremes.

'You're the only one who gets to decide how old... Fuck.' His words no longer made sense halfway through. Even unfinished, they were stumbled enough for Jungkook to laugh again.

'Hyung,' he said. 'Can I sleep here?'

'No.'

It was a decision so deeply rooted in Yoongi that even half a bottle of whisky couldn't shake it. He couldn't be this kind of person for Jungkook. He couldn't cuddle up on the couch with him, he couldn't share a bed with him, he couldn't let him sleep in his arms.

'No?'

Yoongi willed himself to ignore the ache in his chest.

'I'll walk you home,' he said, a small smile forced onto his face. It felt as if all his muscles were numb and smiling was twice as much work as usual.

'Home? To Seoul?'

'To your room.'

'Oh. It's far.'

'I know where it is. It's three doors down.'

'But not yet?'

'Okay. Not yet.'

Yoongi didn't know how much time passed in which they simply lay in silence. It felt like he fell asleep for some of it while the minutes that he was awake for were blurry and kept spinning in circles. All he wanted was to stay where he was, to pull Jungkook into his arms, to allow them to spend the night just like Jungkook did with everyone else that wasn't him.

But at the first sound of Jungkook's soft snoring, Yoongi forced himself to move. It took a while to navigate a protesting Jungkook off of his bed and to the door. They both stumbled, bumped into each other every other step, and Yoongi knocked his head on the doorframe which made Jungkook fall into laughter again. The way down the hall seemed to never end. Yoongi knew he'd start feeling more sober again the more he walked, but for now every step he took felt like moving in water.

'Do you feel sick?' he asked by Jungkook's door.

'No. Can't find my keys.'

He meant his keycard which could be nowhere else but in the pocket of his sweatpants.

'In there,' Yoongi rolled his eyes and patted at the fabric. He was messy about it, the tips of his fingers brushed against his inner thigh, his crotch, the softness of his cock. Above him, Jungkook laughed.

'Hyung,' he breathed. 'So bold.'

Yoongi's head was spinning. Fuck.

'I'm sorry, I'm sorry,' he muttered, but Jungkook only kept laughing softly to himself. With anyone else, the touch would have been wildly inappropriate in a way that would have mortified Yoongi, but he had seen the ways that Taehyung and Jimin and Jin teased Jungkook, the ways in which their bodies were glued together sometimes during their play fighting. Personal space was defined differently within the group.

'I have a card,' Jungkook realised. He slid his hand down into his pocket, but Yoongi had to help him open the door.

From then on, it didn't take much more effort to get Jungkook to bed. He went happily, easily, and fell face forward onto the mattress where he stayed with a smile on his face. At the foot of the bed, Yoongi removed his slippers, then made sure he was positioned in a way that allowed him to breathe should he get sick. And still, instead of returning to his own room once Jungkook had passed out a few minutes later, he sunk into the armchair by the window where he nodded off again and again himself as he watched Jungkook's frame for any sign of discomfort.

It was only in the early morning that he returned to his room with a stiff neck and a slight headache. He felt more sober already and downed a bottle of water before falling into his own bed. Jungkook was hopefully still sleeping soundly a few rooms down the hall. The comforter smelled a little like him when Yoongi concentrated. His body still remembered the closeness of Jungkook's, and for that he didn't have to concentrate at all.

...

Yoongi's throat was dry when he awoke the next morning. His head felt heavy and his neck still ached a little, but he felt almost human again after a shower. There had been mornings on which he had felt worse, back when he hadn't known his body well enough to indulge without consequences.

Worse was probably how Jungkook felt right now.

No matter how many times Yoongi had told himself that Jungkook could make his own decisions last night, it was guilt that made him send a text to ask how he was doing before he went to blow dry his hair. Jungkook had been more than a little drunk by the time he had passed out, and he would undoubtedly feel it all day today. It was something he had to learn for himself, Yoongi knew, and yet Yoongi was the one who had sat and watched him down drink after drink while telling himself that Jungkook was not his responsibility.

Maybe it wasn't a question of responsibility, but one of kindness though. Sober, it was a lot harder to convince himself that he'd done right by Jungkook last night.

Jungkook responded neither to Yoongi's text nor to Hobi's pictures of the sunrise that he had shared in the group chat hours ago, so Yoongi stopped by his room before he made his way down to the conference room where they were supposed to gather for their departure to the airport from where they would be heading towards Texas. There was no response to his knocking, not even on the second or third try, and so Yoongi headed towards the elevators.

It wasn't only today that he first looked for Jungkook when he came downstairs, but today he was particularly surprised not to see him. Naturally, he moved towards Jimin in search for answers who was sipping from a paper cup of hotel coffee on the couch while he laughed at Taehyung by his feet who was struggling to close the zipper of his luggage even with the help of staff.

'Did Jungkook-ah come down with you?'

Yoongi didn't know how deliberate it was that the two of them often came downstairs together even when they were not rooming with each other, but he saw them arrive to meetings together more often than not.

'No,' Jimin shook his head. 'I don't know about him. He wasn't in his room last night when I looked for him, or maybe he was already asleep.'

'He was in mine,' Yoongi mumbled. There was no reason to be ashamed about this and yet it felt like he was sharing secrets. 'He didn't open up just now, I thought maybe he was already down here.'

The way in which Jimin unfolded his legs hurriedly with sudden alarm showing on his face made Yoongi appreciate him in ways he wished he could express.

'I'll go check on him.'

Jimin was gone before Yoongi could tell him once more that Jungkook's room was where he had just come from. Worry was eating away at his chest and couldn't even be resolved by coffee that he procured from the hotel bar. It was likely that Jungkook had simply been in the shower when Yoongi had knocked, or maybe he had gone for a quick walk to clear his head that was probably pounding this morning. But there was also a chance that he was feeling too sick to open up, or, Yoongi panicked, that the time he had spent watching him for safety last night hadn't been long enough and he had ended up throwing up in his sleep.

The few minutes in which Jimin was gone were enough for Yoongi to grow so nervous that he texted Jungkook a question mark that he got no response to. He wasn't usually one to worry too quickly, but knowing how wasted Jungkook had been when he had last seen him changed things. Luckily, it didn't take long for Jimin to return with news.

'He overslept, but he's packing now.'

After a wave of relief had swept though him, Yoongi instantly felt stupid for the scenarios he had imagined. Hadn't it been expected that Jungkook, who was hard to wake up on regular days, wouldn't manage to get out of bed this morning?

Jimin squeezed himself onto the armrest of the couch as the space next to Yoongi had now been taken up by Jin who was tying his shoes with meticulous care.

'He looks like hell. What did you two do last night?'

'What do you think we did? We drank.'

'Enough to ruin him like that?'

Yoongi crossed his arms in front of his chest.

'He didn't have much more than I did.'

'Hyung,' Jimin laughed, but it was clear that he wasn't entirely amused. 'Are you serious?'

Yoongi didn't say anything. Of course it was true that a comparison like that was futile. Yoongi drank less these days than he had used to, but it was still different from Jungkook's habits. He only realised how much so when Jungkook stumbled into the conference room a little while later with his luggage messily packed.

He was hurrying, but clearly he had trouble doing so. Yet again he had thrown his hood over his head and was trying to hide his face which was paler than usual. He looked dead tired and not fully awake. The first thing he did was bow deeply to their head manager as he mumbled an apology for being late. It was ridiculous, Yoongi thought, as the vans had only just gotten to the hotel a few minutes ago and all Jungkook had missed were a few words about today's show and the timeline for their flight and soundcheck. He understood the matter of respect, of course, but considering how Jungkook clearly felt, it was a miracle that he was here at all.

The look on Namjoon's face said otherwise. Yoongi had to give it to him that he looked concerned more than anything, but clearly he wasn't happy about Jungkook's delay this morning. He reached a hand out to Jungkook's sleeve when he started moving towards the couch, towards Yoongi, he realised only belatedly.

'What's wrong?' Yoongi heard Namjoon ask. There was real concern in his voice more than judgement, and so Yoongi didn't get involved but hung behind as they started gathering their things to head out of the hotel together as a group.

'I'm fine,' Jungkook said. 'I'm sorry I'm late, I forgot to set an alarm.'

'Are you sick?'

Jungkook shook his head.

'Did you go out? Why are Jimin-ah and Taehyung-ah not suffering with you?'

Yoongi fell into step behind them as they exited the room right on the heels of two bodyguards.

'I didn't go out. I had a few drinks with Yoongi Hyung here at the hotel. I'm trying to wake up and I'll be okay.'

Yoongi knew that he was downplaying how badly he felt. It was obvious in how slowly he moved and how he squinted his eyes against the sunlight flooding the lobby.

'With Yoongi Hyung?'

They reached the large double doors of the hotel that were held open for them. As they stepped outside, Namjoon turned around, as if searching, and his gaze got stuck on Yoongi who only managed to shrug. Now, there was judgement in Namjoon's eyes, and maybe rightfully so. But when he spoke, it was directed at Jungkook and not at Yoongi.

'Are you going to be sick?'

'No.'

Jungkook didn't sound so sure, but Namjoon apparently chose to believe him.

'Can you do your job today?'

'Of course,' Jungkook insisted, if weakly. He had buried his hands in the sleeves of his sweater which Yoongi noticed when he held on to the door of the van.

'You better sober up before the show.' Namjoon shook his head in disbelief, then let out a small laugh. 'What are we going to do with you, huh? Is this tour going to be your teenage rebellion?'

'Hyung,' Jungkook whined, much in the same way that he had done so many times last night. 'I'm not a teenager and I'll be good for the show. I'm sorry I was late.'

'It's not about being late, Kook-ah. It's about your health and what you owe us as a group as well as every single person who paid good money to see you on stage tonight. I'm not reprimanding you for drinking, but I do want you to be responsible and able to perform at your best.'

'I know. I really know. I won't be a problem today.'

Only it was hard for Jungkook to keep that promise. He tried his best and more, caught some sleep on the plane to Fort Worth, forced down a small lunch at the venue, spent more time than usual warming up his voice and sipping hot lemon tea, and even finished a few laps on the treadmill backstage after which he truly did look like he was going to throw up.

'I feel like shit,' he admitted to Yoongi when they finally got a chance to speak alone on their way to the stage for soundcheck in the afternoon. 'It's no longer as bad as this morning, but I truly thought I wasn't going to make it out of bed.'

Their shoulders brushed against each other as they walked, and Jungkook's lowered voice suggested something secretive that intrigued Yoongi more than he wanted to admit.

'I know. I should have maybe warned you.'

Jungkook only scoffed.

'I knew what I was doing, I'm not that naive. I just didn't realise how little time we'd have to sleep it off, and maybe I shouldn't have eaten for four on top of it all. It's not just the hangover.'

Running on too little sleep was something else that Yoongi was more used to than the others. Jungkook often stayed up all night, but not when he had a show to play the next day and had to be rested.

'Do you not feel bad at all?' Jungkook now asked.

'I feel slow,' Yoongi admitted. 'Drowsy.'

His physical state wasn't what he was most concerned with. Instead he kept replaying last night in his head. It was his thoughts more than the bottle of Jack that his mind was occupied with. The hug. The careless, irresponsible touch of his hand. The way he had let his guard down around Jungkook, had taken too little care to conceal his infatuation with his lips, his skin, his strength. Jungkook had been drunk enough to probably neither have noticed nor cared, but it wasn't a good enough excuse for Yoongi. If anything, it made it worse that Jungkook had been inebriated while Yoongi had sat and let his gaze run all over him. The thoughts he had about him were carefully shut away during the day, denied even, most of the time, but last night Yoongi hadn't locked the door.

And something was different today. Yoongi kept his eyes on Jungkook during their soundcheck even more so than usual to make sure he was doing okay, only he was met with a glance back at him more often than he was used to. It was always pretty easy to watch Jungkook, as the other was so prone to focusing on things no one else was focusing on. His attention on the smallest things was hard to break and so Yoongi could often let his gaze linger without having to worry about Jungkook paying him any mind. But today Jungkook returned his glances so often that Yoongi started to feel self-conscious about being caught.

It was a strange feeling to know that they shared something, an experience, that none of the other members were a part of. The ambiguous desires to cherish it and to feel ashamed of it fought within Yoongi all afternoon until he finally managed to push the thoughts out of his mind when he put on his stage outfit. It had only been a night of drinking, something that Jungkook had done with the other members countless of times, and yet only the thrill of a concert managed to divert Yoongi's thoughts.

Jungkook was nearly back to normal in time for the show, though it was obvious how hard he had pushed himself for it when he closed his eyes on the couch backstage for a long time right afterwards while their physio worked on his right calf that seemed to have locked up. Yoongi passed by behind him and he couldn't keep himself from running his hand over his shoulder affectionately. Again, it was something that the other members did multiple times a day, their hands were sometimes glued to Jungkook in ways that drove Yoongi mad, but for him it was new. Jungkook opened his eyes at the touch and the smile that he gave him when he looked up at him was tired, but happy.

'Good show everyone,' their head manager announced. Yoongi watched Namjoon eye Jungkook with a mixture of respect and disbelief.

They hadn't even made it to the vans yet when Namjoon caught up with Yoongi and he could no longer escape the inevitable.

'I've been waiting for this,' he sighed when Namjoon showed up at his side. Namjoon had avoided him all day, not too coldly, but deliberately enough for Yoongi to take note of it. 'Just tell me. I should have taken better care of Kook-ah. Right?'

Namjoon hoisted his bag up on his shoulder. They were walking down a corridor to the parking lot much in the same way as they had done in L.A. when Jungkook had been caught. Two bodyguards were on their heels, but distracted by their own conversation about American crowds.

'Are you going to be back to normal any time soon?' Namjoon's sigh was louder than his. 'What has you on edge like this? Is it seriously still the jet lag?'

It was only then that Yoongi realised that he had expected the worst for no reason. He had been nothing but tense and snappy with Namjoon all tour for reasons he couldn't really explain. Maybe Namjoon was just too close. Maybe it was guilt. Guilt for not sharing with him what was taking up so much space on his mind these days. Maybe it was fear of Namjoon figuring it out himself. Maybe it was a little bitterness over how large Jungkook's eyes got whenever he looked at their leader.

He had done alright in Seoul where they each lived a life outside of the group and despite their schedule, there was time they could spend apart from each other in which Yoongi didn't have to feel like a liar every minute of every day. But being on tour was different.

'Sorry,' Yoongi made himself say. 'I've just been waiting for a lecture all day.'

'Do I ever lecture you?'

The way that Namjoon sounded genuinely curious made Yoongi's heart ache a little.

'You are gonna tell me I was irresponsible.'

Namjoon couldn't deny it. He only hummed, a vague sound, then pushed Yoongi towards the second car and let him climb into the backseat first. Once the door was closed behind them, he found Yoongi's gaze.

'Hyung,' he said. 'I'm trying to have this conversation without it being a fight, okay? I just honestly want to know why you let him go this far. He was a wreck this morning and you know it, no matter how hard he pretended.'

Because he had wanted to stop thinking himself. Because he didn't want to be responsible for Jungkook. He wanted to not be reminded of how much younger he was. He wanted them to be equals. He wanted Jungkook to be himself around him and to make his own choices.

'I'm not going to tell him what to do,' he tried. 'You know I would stop him from ever doing something seriously stupid, but he was just drunk. He shouldn't have been, but he pulled himself together. He always does.'

Namjoon studied him for a long moment. The car started to move and somehow Yoongi felt a strange sense of deja vu fall upon him.

'You know how hypocritical this is of you, right?' Namjoon's voice was low when he said it, maybe out of consideration for their driver, or maybe just because of how tired of being a leader he could get. 'You telling me I need to set a better example for him while you two get shitfaced together?'

Yoongi didn't think before he said, 'He doesn't look at me the way he looks at you. He doesn't want to be me.'

'Yeah? Drinking like that is not an imitation of you at all?'

Yoongi snapped his head to the side. It was a low blow and Namjoon knew it as he raised his hand in a silent apology. They had talked about Yoongi's drinking just as much as they had talked about Yoongi's painkillers and their questionable combination with his antidepressants. They were all bandaids and sometimes Yoongi hurt too much. He knew it, Namjoon knew it. But they also both knew that the worst was over. That Yoongi was healing and that he hadn't drunk the way he had last night in a long time. It wasn't the norm and therefore Namjoon's words weren't entirely fair.

'It's not the same.'

There was no doubt in Yoongi's words. Jungkook had no reason to look at him remotely in the same way as he did at Namjoon. Which was why he didn't. And Yoongi was glad for it, really, for an abundance of reasons.

'Hypocritical,' Namjoon repeated. 'But fine. Just take better care of the both of you. I don't want to argue with you.'

Again. They didn't often fight the way they had in L.A. and clearly they were both still recovering from it. Yoongi sighed.

'Let's hang out soon, yeah? Talk about something other than what terrible elders we are. Tell me about your American girlfriend.'

There was a memory inside of Yoongi that hadn't been there before last night and that made him say what he said. A memory of Jungkook lying on Yoongi's bed, flushed not only from the alcohol shining on his lips, talking about the girls he'd been with. Yoongi didn't know if he wanted to banish it from his mind or enjoy the intrigue of it like he had last night. In a way he wanted this side of Jungkook, badly, wanted to know him like this. But there was also the fact that Jungkook's stories made Yoongi feel strangely like he was grieving.

It was much safer to return to having those late night conversations with Namjoon instead. Namjoon talked about girls in a way that didn't affect Yoongi. Namjoon didn't look so damn beautiful doing so.

Namjoon didn't make Yoongi's heart stumble when he asked, 'How tired are you?' and, after their debrief, proceeded to follow Yoongi to the hotel bar where he talked Yoongi through his night with their producer in L.A. in more detail than they'd had time for so far. They weren't going to see each other again and yet Namjoon's way of experiencing intimacy had always been something Yoongi liked to listen to because it was so very different from his own. There was beauty in every human encounter for Namjoon, something profound and deeply satisfying even in the less romantic and picturesque moments.

Yoongi kept nursing the same two drinks and didn't order a third when Namjoon offered another round. The show had been harder on him today than necessary, and he didn't want to repeat it with the same sluggishness tomorrow night. Besides, Namjoon's comment about his drinking was fresh on his mind. So were his thoughts about what kind of influence he had on Jungkook. Or any of the younger members for that matter. He didn't really want to dwell on it, and he didn't think Namjoon was all that right about it, and yet the suggestion ate at him.

If Jungkook needed a role model, it shouldn't be him, Yoongi. Not at all. It was the last thing Yoongi wanted to be for Jungkook.

Being with Namjoon like this was even easier than being with Jungkook had been for the lack of distracting thoughts. They talked until the bartender gently informed them that closing hours were well behind them, upon which Namjoon tipped her an enormous amount, flashed her a smile, then ushered Yoongi towards the elevators and slapped him on the shoulder to say good night up in the hallway where the group and staff had rooms booked.

The hotel room was the same as every other hotel room Yoongi had ever been in. Everything on tour felt like it repeated itself in slightly different variations over and over again, and Yoongi was already starting to feel the claustrophobic tension of it after barely two weeks. He pulled the curtains shut, took out his laptop, then realised how tired he was. His shoulder ached as it did after every show. He had been on a plane today, too, even though it already felt like it had been ages since then. Time didn't work right on tour.

It was only when he pulled the sheets up over himself that he checked his phone again and found himself frozen for a moment. On his screen was a picture of Jungkook in the same hoodie he had put on right after the show, with the same post-concert messy hair and barely there make up Yoongi had seen on him during their debrief.

Where are you? Jungkook had captioned the photo about an hour ago. It was Yoongi's hotel room door in it, along with the hallway he had just come from.

Jungkook had come to look for him. Two nights in a row he had now chosen to seek Yoongi out rather than doing whatever else he could be doing with his precious time off. He had been dead tired after today, he had seemed close to dozing off when Yoongi had last seen him, and still he had chosen to come to his room rather than go straight to bed.

Over the years, there had been times when he and Jungkook had spent time together like this, but it had always been situational. A TV show that they had both wanted to see, a new restaurant they had both wanted to try, a night in which neither of them had wanted to return to their room. Once their joint task had been completed, they had always drifted apart from each other again. Not all the way of course, but they weren't like Jimin and Taehyung and Jungkook for whom closeness was a constant.

Yoongi wondered what it was now. What was it that drew Jungkook towards him right now that hadn't been there before? The fact that he had witnessed Jungkook in a low moment, a vulnerable one, back in L.A.? Their following conversation by the pool? Yoongi felt fairly certain that Jungkook had talked about that kiss in L.A. at the very least with Jimin, too. He didn't need it to be Yoongi. What was it that suddenly made him want to spend his free evenings on Yoongi's bed, talking about things they had never before talked about?

Slowly, he started to type.

I was with Joon-ah. Go to sleep, the world needs you well rested tomorrow.

Jungkook came online almost immediately. He didn't often text, but true to his age he did spend hours on his phone before falling asleep. First, he texted only laughter. Then he added a moment later, The show was good, right? You think the guys are mad at me?

Yoongi found himself smiling. Memories of Jungkook on stage were always good ones. It wasn't just his physique or the way that he made hearts melt on the large screen, but the way that he simply could do no wrong. His enjoyment was infectuous, his energy unmatched, and his skill had them all shaking their heads.

You did well, Yoongi told him. I didn't think you would this morning.

The flight helped. I slept a lot.

Still, Yoongi typed hesitantly. We should probably take it easy next time.

All Jungkook sent back was an emoji of two glasses toasting. Yoongi rolled his eyes, was about to set his phone down on the nightstand, then saw another text.

Next time should be soon.

Yoongi hesitated, stared at the words for too long, then only reacted with a thumbs up. He didn't think he'd ever be able to deny Jungkook anything at all. It didn't matter how well he had to protect his heart for it. He'd just have to try harder.

Chapter Text

Their second show in Fort Worth passed without incidents. It was becoming easier to let loose on stage now that they had repeated the show enough times to no longer have to concentrate quite as hard on their cues and the order of things. It was also becoming easier to pace themselves which was why they had enough energy left over for the final songs during which they had little to no choreo. Yoongi found himself dancing wilder than he usually wanted to, infected by the others who seemed to be in similarly high spirits as him.

Jungkook drifted in and out of Yoongi's space naturally, sometimes showing up by his side to exchange a few words, sometimes to annoy him, sometimes to offer him snacks, but not much more than before, and so Yoongi's paranoid thoughts about how their relationship was changing faded to the back of his mind again.

Their flight to Hamilton that followed the Fort Worth concert was another overnight one which predictably threw Yoongi off, but as they stayed in Canada for a full four days, he recovered quickly enough this time. They performed on their first day in Hamilton, then spent a day filming at Niagara Falls where Taehyung took a picture of him and Jungkook smiling with mist in their brows and lashes, leaning against the railing deep in conversation about the boats far below. Yoongi tried to be casual about it when he asked Taehyung to send the picture to him on their way back to the hotel.

The next evening they were on stage again, wild with happiness. Being on tour was always filled with ups and downs, and it seemed as if they had found their sweet spot between the stumbling beginning and the exhaustion that would undoubtedly hit them soon. Yoongi felt free on stage, free of whatever worries he dragged around off of it. So he could only roll his eyes when after their concert, their head manager sat them down backstage and started a conversation about how they had to reign in their excitement during the encore. How they were teetering on the edge of unprofessionalism and were losing their tension throughout the choreo songs.

Yoongi held his tongue and sat through it as Namjoon and Hoseok receptively discussed their agreement. They all had a point of course, Yoongi could see how being too wild on stage held the potential of seeming uncaring, reckless, but he couldn't really bring himself to want to change. He understood the business he was in, he understood what was being asked of him, but he had never agreed with management about what the crowd in front of the stage would notice or not. He didn't think there was a point in agonising over some details the way Hoseok did, or to maintain a false sense of seriousness on stage.

But those were the reasons why he focused on the technical sides of music and not the choreographies and stage presence. That was the reason why he held his tongue. Until Jungkook climbed into the same van as him after the show, threw his backpack onto the middle seat, and said, 'I didn't know there was such a thing as too much fun on stage.'

Yoongi instantly found himself smirking. He liked that Jungkook had grown up enough to no longer look at management with intimidation and unfiltered awe. He had his own opinion, even if he had been smart enough not to voice it backstage just like Yoongi hadn't.

'They'll always find something to bother us about,' Yoongi shrugged. 'You don't have to agree.'

'I don't. I think tonight went really well.'

'I do, too.'

Their eyes met, and something stupidly warm spread in Yoongi's chest that almost made him want to throw himself out of the van now that it was still only moving slowly. No matter how many times he had told himself to ban all those feelings he held for Jungkook from his mind and from his heart, they only ever seemed to get worse. He'd been able to have a conversation with him without his heart skipping a beat a year ago, hadn't he? These days, every look at Jungkook made him stumble somehow.

'I watched Seesaw tonight,' Jungkook told him. 'You're so cute when you dance.'

Yoongi scoffed. It was almost belittling, coming from Jungkook who was captivating the audience in much better ways every night.

'You are,' Jungkook grinned. 'I always like watching you.'

'Stop it.'

For once, Jungkook did. Instead of pressing his argument, he said, 'Hyung. It's a new city. We need a new drink.'

Yoongi studied him for a long moment. There was excitement in his eyes that Yoongi didn't want to kill, yet they also had one of their most important schedules of their career lined up in two days and would make their way to New York for it tomorrow after their final show in Hamilton. Namjoon would speak at the United Nations and while Yoongi and Jungkook technically only had to be there and nod appreciatively, it wouldn't be a good look if Jungkook were as pale and shaky as he had been that day in Fort Worth.

Jungkook sighed and rolled his eyes without Yoongi having to say anything. 'Just a drink. I know New York is important, but that's forty eight hours away. Anyways, I can handle alcohol, I just had too much.'

'Alright,' Yoongi shrugged. 'Let's just get Canadian beer from the convenience store.'

Jungkook nodded in agreement. They didn't have a debrief tonight as it had been replaced by an early morning meeting to discuss everything important about New York. So Jungkook dragged him down the street from the hotel towards a convenience store the moment that their van came to a halt. They had to deal with a member of security accompanying them, but Yoongi didn't mind it much. It was better than the camera team that seemed to follow them everywhere. He'd gotten used to it at the venues or other schedule locations, but he simply couldn't stand having a camera shoved into his face first thing in the morning at the hotel or late at night after a show.

Yoongi volunteered to buy the beer, picked four cans from the fridge, then ran into Jungkook whose arms were full of snacks near the register. He wordlessly swiped his card after letting Jungkook's items be scanned, too. Jungkook happily eyed his haul all the way up to the floor of hotel rooms they had rented out.

'Yours or mine?' Yoongi asked. He stomped down on the way that his imagination turned vivid at the line.

'Yours. I want to listen to your new song.'

Just yesterday, Yoongi had finally gotten some real work done after the show, and he had told Hobi about it today only for Jungkook to show up by his side as if he had been summoned.

'Alright,' he agreed. 'But it's not a full song, just about thirty seconds of a guide.'

He led Jungkook to his room where he watched him throw himself down onto the bed and immediately open a pack of crisps. Yoongi still didn't understand what it was that made Jungkook want to be with him quite this much these days. But maybe, he thought, it wasn't as unusual as he made it out to be, just new in the way that Yoongi noticed it. There had been so many moments spent with Jungkook in the past that had mattered, but not in the way that they did now. Maybe he was underestimating how much time they had spent together in the past.

Yoongi opened two beers, handed one to Jungkook, then walked over to where he had set up his laptop and portable keyboard on the desk. He felt Jungkook's gaze on him as he pulled up the file, but tried to ignore it. Then he hit play on the mp3 file.

Even with the distance of nearly twenty four hours, Yoongi still liked yesterday's work. He also liked how Jungkook paid close attention. He always did so either intensely or not at all, and it was reassuring that for this, he chose to do the former. As he listened, he didn't even touch his beer yet, but only nodded his head slightly with his eyes drawn to the floor so as not to get distracted.

'I don't know how you do it,' he said once the recording stopped too abruptly and careless. 'There's not a single song of yours that I don't envy you for.'

Yoongi gave him a smile, but avoided to look right at him. He never knew what to do with compliments, especially not coming from Jungkook, and especially not for something that wasn't particularly difficult for him, as arrogant as it made him sound.

'And there's not a single one that you've ever recorded that I wasn't impressed by.'

'But that's different. I only sing. You create entire songs from scratch. I want to know how.'

'I can show you. More than you already know I mean.'

Jungkook took a sip of his beer now. He looked so devastatingly pretty doing so that Yoongi regretted the words coming out of his mouth. Showing Jungkook anything at all meant spending more time alone with him and he didn't know whether he'd survive it.

Jungkook made a face.

'This isn't great.'

'No?'

Yoongi tried the beer, thought, then agreed with a hum and set the can aside.

'Yeah. Sorry.'

'Will you show me the layers?' Jungkook asked instead of commenting on Yoongi's terrible choice of a drink. He jerked his chin towards the laptop and so Yoongi brought it over to the bed where he sat and walked Jungkook through the different layers of music he had recorded a while ago as well as the vocal track he had only just added yesterday. There were the base layers of instrumentals that Jungkook was no stranger to, but he listened carefully when Yoongi got to the effects and the way he had cut up certain tracks or looped sounds. It was those details that made producing interesting, and Yoongi could have talked about it forever as the options were unlimited.

'Do you still want me to sing?'

Yoongi looked up from the laptop at the question.

'Yes. Always.'

'It's only a guide, right? We could do it at a hotel room?'

'Yeah. I did this one right here.' He indicated the vocal track that was showing on his laptop in form of sharp waves.

'Send me the file. I'll listen to it a few times and we can do it in New York maybe.'

'You wanna do the rap parts, too?'

Jungkook shrugged. 'Whatever you want.'

It was almost infuriating sometimes how easily these things came to Jungkook. Yoongi had studied rap for over a decade now and yet Jungkook would certainly be able to record his lines with ease. They might not sound quite as refined as Yoongi's did, but he wasn't lacking much when it came to the easier parts.

'Jeon Jungkook,' Yoongi sighed. 'You can't rap better on a guide than I did for the first recording. Promise me.'

'I can't,' Jungkook laughed. 'I literally can't. You're a genius, remember?'

Yoongi was about to protest, to remind Jungkook of how he deserved that title more Yoongi did, but he was distracted by a knock on the door.

'Rapmon Hyung!' Jungkook exclaimed when a moment later, Yoongi let Namjoon into his hotel room. His hair was still wet from the shower he'd probably just taken and in his hand he held the same piece of paper he had carried around all day. It was his speech.

'Kook-ah,' Namjoon remarked. 'Where are your boys? Are you and Jimin-ah fighting or something?'

'What? No,' Jungkook immediately frowned, and still Yoongi felt something like annoyance bubble up in him. He didn't need Namjoon to point out that this was unusual. Mostly, he didn't need to feel annoyance towards him yet again. He wanted to go back to where Namjoon was the best person in his life and not someone he constantly wanted to argue with.

'Just saying, I didn't expect you to be here again. What are you doing?'

'Hyung is showing me music. I'll record some guides for him.'

Namjoon nodded in understanding.

'Are you drinking again?' He eyed the beer that was still in Jungkook's hand.

'Not really. It's not good,' Jungkook said. 'Hyung said he'd show me a new drink for every city we hit, but this one will go down the drain.'

He held it out to Namjoon who took it curiously, then took a sip.

'It's not so bad.' He kept the beer, even though he didn't often drink. Then he said, 'You need to try this maple whisky. I've had it before, it's interesting.'

'Oh? Do they have it at the bar?'

Yoongi didn't want to go to the bar. He wanted to stay right here with Jungkook and talk the night away even though he'd be regretting it in the morning.

'I don't know. Maybe.'

'What's with the speech again?' Yoongi asked and jerked his chin at the piece of paper in Namjoon's hand.

'Oh. I thought we could go over it.'

'We've gone over it a million times,' Yoongi pointed out. 'I don't understand half of it, but I know it's good. You'll do just fine.'

'Your English is good though, Hyung,' Jungkook smiled at Yoongi. 'I'll be the one in the background not knowing what you're even talking about.' He looked at Namjoon for that last bit.

'People will be talking about how grown up you look in a suit,' Namjoon huffed, making Jungkook groan.

'I wear suits all the time now. They'll be talking about you!'

Yoongi didn't want to think about Jungkook in his suit.

'Joon-ah,' he said, and even though he knew that he and Namjoon weren't usually touchy with each other, he decided to throw an arm around him. 'You're nervous, I get it. But there's no use in going over the speech for the hundredth time. Let's just hang out and make you think of something else for a bit.'

It wasn't lost on him how Jungkook eyed them both curiously, as if seeing them hug like this was entirely new.

'You should listen to Yoongi Hyung's song,' Jungkook suggested. 'It'll distract you for sure.'

And so they ended up listening to bits and pieces of Yoongi's unfinished mixtape for a while. Namjoon finished the two open beers while he and Yoongi threw around ideas for the more complex rap parts. Jungkook meanwhile lay on his stomach watching them both, almost as if he was taking careful note of the process of writing.

They didn't stay up as long as they had the last time Jungkook had come over. Jungkook also wasn't stumbling when he left. Neither was Yoongi drunkenly brushing over the most intimate parts of him. Yoongi felt distinctly better about the evening than he had last time, and yet there was something inside of him that missed the intimacy that had been there last time. The secrecy. The strange kind of something that had made him feel like Jungkook and he had taken a step forward, though towards what, he didn't know.

...

'Can you believe we've already been on tour for a month?'

Jimin's question was formed around a mouthful of ramen that the Newark Prudential Center had provided backstage. There were still a few hours to go until they would step on stage, enough time to walk off a full belly, and so the members were slurping left and right, enjoying a Korean meal they hadn't had in a while.

'During Wings,' Taehyung said, 'Time never seemed to pass.'

Hobi nodded heavily in agreement. He wasn't feeling well today, but still hadn't said no to ramen. 'We'll already be in Europe in less than two weeks.'

'We need to go out more then,' Taehyung continued. 'We never see anything here. But I'm not leaving Amsterdam or Paris without having at least seen the sights.'

'We have a day off in Berlin and London, nowhere else.' It was Jin who reminded them all, making Taehyung groan.

Namjoon spoke over his suggestion to speak to management when he said, 'Mono will drop while we're in France. We're definitely celebrating there.'

'Yeah, you worked hard on it,' Jimin grinned. 'You and your girlfriend both.'

Namjoon rolled his eyes while the others broke out into laughter too cheerful for the low blow. But Yoongi felt similarly happy today. They'd be back on stage after four days of endless schedules that had involved waiting, waiting, and more waiting for a few minutes of screen time on major US television shows as well as the speech at the United Nations that had been similarly exhausting. All Yoongi wanted was to get back on stage, to perform a whole set, to feel that kind of physical exhaustion rather than the mental one that came with media appearances.

'I can't believe you and Jungkookie are the only ones who got some action in a whole month on tour,' Taehyung now whined at the reminder.

Yoongi looked down at his own bowl of half finished ramen. It had been three weeks since L.A.. He was trying hard not to think about it for an abundance of reasons and he didn't need to be reminded of Jungkook's desire for girls when he was trying to have a good day.

Jungkook himself was looking down at his own food with red ears while Jimin said, 'You talk as if we're all getting around in Seoul. When have we last been so lucky, huh? All we do is work, even at home.'

Yoongi pushed his bowl away from him and announced, 'I'll have my shoulder figured out.'

He walked towards the door and when he got there, looked back to say, as if casually, 'Kook-ah. Come with me, you can get that tape you wanted.'

Jungkook had asked for no tape from their physio, and the confusion was written all over his face for a moment in which his eyes met Yoongi's. But then he nodded eagerly, brought a massive amount of ramen to his mouth with his chopsticks, then scraped back his chair.

'Thanks,' he said as soon as they were out in the hallway with the door closed behind them. 'They just won't stop bringing it up. It's like they're proud of me when it's really just embarrassing.'

'I'll talk to them.'

'I can talk to them myself. I just don't want to linger on it even more. I want to no longer think about it.'

Yoongi wanted the same thing. It was like he had told Jungkook. If that kiss had been what he had wanted, if he had fallen in love in L.A., or if he'd at least had one of the more memorable nights of his life, Yoongi would still hurt, but in a different way. This way, it just made him angry. The fact that Jungkook had to somehow work through both the embarrassment and shame of the situation as well as the ambiguous feelings he had about that kiss. Yoongi knew those all too well and he didn't want Jungkook to have to dwell on them.

'Do you really need physio?' Jungkook now asked.

Yoongi nodded.

'I don't have a proper appointment, but they do need to tape me for the show anyways.'

'How bad is it?' Suddenly, Jungkook's hand was on his shoulder, squeezing it slightly. He kept walking as he touched him, but Yoongi kind of wanted to stop time. 'Are you in pain?'

'Not now. I usually hurt after shows or long flights, that's just how it is. Especially when we do multiple nights in a row.'

Jungkook hummed knowingly. The ache in Yoongi's shoulder was no secret among the group, even when he had only told them about the accident not that long ago. He had never been stupid enough to completely lie about being in pain. Jungkook's fingers now lingered, his thumb brushing back and forth for a moment, the tips of his fingers digging into his muscles a little.

'Can I help?'

'How would you help?'

The question was out before Yoongi could think about it, and he knew he had brought it on himself when Jungkook suggested, 'I can give you a massage.'

'That's what we have a physio with us for,' Yoongi mumbled. Then he made himself add, 'Thanks though.'

'Well, he's not around twenty four seven. I am. Just let me know.'

Even in an entirely non sexual way it was strange to imagine Yoongi heading over to Jungkook's hotel room in the middle of the night for him to massage his shoulder and neck. Jungkook wasn't exactly physically distant to any of them, but there were moments in which it was too obvious that he was indecisive about how much was too much. He had no problem rolling around with Taehyung or Jin, he happily let Jimin cling to him whenever he wanted to, but there were also moments in which he suddenly seemed to feel self-conscious. Especially any time he watched Namjoon either judge them or throw off one of the members himself. Physical affection was something Jungkook clearly felt ambiguous about, and the members felt too differently about it themselves for Jungkook to easily imitate one or the other.

'I'll make sure to remember it.'

Yoongi said it with the main intention of reassuring Jungkook that his suggestion had been a perfectly acceptable one, yet he knew that really he would be thinking of Jungkook's hands on him every time he was in pain from now on.

Together they found their way to the small room backstage in which their physio had set up camp to treat both Jin and Jimin earlier. The first month on tour had put stress on all of their bodies, but particularly Jimin's knee was beginning to worry them all. They found their physio deep in conversation with one of the managers and watched them leave the room together to finish their discussion with the promise of being right back. Yoongi leaned himself against the massage table to wait, and from there he studied Jungkook once again.

Why was he still here? He had tailed him all the way to their physio without actually needing anything.

'Kook-ah,' he started. 'Are you sure you don't want me to talk to the guys about L.A.? Tell them to leave you alone?'

'What? No!' Jungkook looked rather alarmed. He took a breath, then said, with more composure, 'Please don't start being like this. I like that you never think for me or tell me what to do. I can take care of myself. And sometimes it seems like you're the only one who actually believes it.'

The only one. Jungkook had never talked about Yoongi this way. He had never singled him out like that, for whatever reason.

'Please, Hyung,' Jungkook now asked quietly. 'I appreciate it, but they're my friends. I can talk to them if I need to.'

'Alright,' he was quick to agree. 'I won't say anything.'

They stood in silence for a moment in which Yoongi's thoughts kept racing and Jungkook looked around the room seemingly for some kind of distraction. It took a few minutes before Yoongi decided that he wasn't done with the conversation.

'Are you sure you're over it though? Over L.A. girlfriend?'

Jungkook looked straight at him, his forehead slightly creased.

'It was a kiss with a stranger. I'm not that hung up on it. If anything, it still haunts me how management is looking at me now. But they haven't brought it up again.'

Yoongi nodded in understanding, yet he pushed it.

'Something's changed since then,' he noted. 'You don't go out with Jimin-ah as much.'

He couldn't quite bring himself to say what he really meant. That ever since L.A., Jungkook had been seeking him out more often than before. That they had been alone with each other more on this tour than on any other previous one.

Jungkook shrugged. 'I just don't want to push it. I haven't set out on tour in good favour with the staff.' A moment later he added with a slight pout, 'And you're the only one who's not constantly treating me like a child that misbehaved. You had my back in L.A., Namjoon Hyung told me, and you got drunk with me rather than reprimanding me or acting as if I didn't know what I was doing. I like being around you.'

They weren't words Jungkook would ever throw around lightly. They made the tips of his ears burn red. He wasn't able to hold Yoongi's gaze for long before he dropped it to the floor.

'Okay,' Yoongi nodded, slightly breathless, just to break the silence. 'Okay. Yeah.'

'Do you mind it?' Jungkook's voice was small when he asked. 'Us hanging out?'

'Of course not,' Yoongi shook his head. He let out a sigh involuntarily, then leaned his head back a little. 'I love spending time with you. We can do that whenever.'

The smile on Jungkook's face was sweet and it hurt Yoongi to watch it spread over his features.

'It's not like the guys are being bad Hyungs,' Jungkook suddenly clarified. 'I'm just frustrated with the comments. They're all annoying about it in different ways except you. You just told me to do whatever I want to do.'

'Well, it's true,' Yoongi mumbled. He was starting to feel uncomfortable with the way Jungkook kept praising him, as if he had done anything out of the ordinary. Treating Jungkook as an adult human being seemed to be the bare minimum. 'Did anyone really tell you not to?'

Jungkook thought, then shook his head.

'No. But when Taehyung Hyung tells me I should go for it and mess around with girls in the States he means it differently. He wants the drama of it.'

Yoongi had to work hard to fight the annoyance that rose up in his chest. It was no longer just protectiveness that made him react the way he did, but something a lot more ugly. It was jealousy, and Yoongi hated it.

'Taehyung-ah needs to shut it,' he muttered.

It was that moment that their physio chose to reenter the room and he raised an amused brow at Yoongi, making Jungkook laugh.

'Any pain today?' he asked, to which Yoongi shook his head. Jungkook still stayed where he was, standing on the other side of the room and now listening carefully. 'How's your need for medication?'

'Low. I last took a pill after the final Hamilton show.'

'Good. It's good you had a few days off stage.'

Yoongi made a vague sound. His body certainly agreed, but his mind didn't.

'It'll get more demanding on your muscles the further into the tour we get, I'm sure. So take it easy. Let me know how things feel.'

Yoongi nodded as he watched their physio get the tape out of his bag. Yoongi was used to it by now and he moved to take his shirt off without a second thought. Jungkook still stayed, watching curiously as the tape was applied efficiently. They had been naked, or nearly naked, around each other often enough for Yoongi not to think much of it, and yet it was strange to feel Jungkook's gaze on him like this. Usually, whenever they were undressed there was a need for it, something that kept them busy. Like the preparations for a shower or the changing of clothes. Right now, Yoongi's body was still, and Jungkook was looking his fill without distractions.

'You're so pale, Hyung,' he noted after a while, a smile on his face again. 'Jimin Hyung got such a strong tan at the Falls, did you notice?'

Yoongi glanced at him over the shoulder of their physio.

'I didn't.'

It was easy for Jungkook to keep chattering about the weather and how he missed the Korean humidity to which their physio agreed so whole heartedly, Yoongi didn't have to say anything at all. Jungkook went on and on about how the air was too dry and how it made his throat ache on and off, and how it wasn't helping his performance on stage. Yoongi only focused on the familiar sensation of the tape being applied until he was done and he could pull his shirt back over his head.

...

Yoongi could feel Hobi's gaze on him and Jungkook both, but he tried his hardest not to care. Hobi was splayed out in an armchair where Taehyung softly massaged the back of his neck while arguing a lot less softly with Jin about a part of their choreo. Hobi had said that he still felt under the weather and looked teary from his stuffed nose that was covered by a mask, but luckily he had not given his minor infection to anyone else yet. On tour, it was only a matter of time until they all fell ill one after the other, but so far they had been faring well.

Jungkook leaned in more closely as Yoongi pressed play on another file he had drawn up on his laptop. His knee pressed into Yoongi's thigh as they were huddled together on the couch.

'Do you hear the difference?' Yoongi asked.

It was a futile question. Of course Jungkook would hear the pre-delay he had added to the recording. Not only had he perfect pitch, but also a perfect understanding of producing music. The only reason he hadn't mastered it yet was that whereas Yoongi had focused on little outside of music for the last decade, Jungkook had too many other interests that he pursued.

'It works better now,' Jungkook nodded. 'You should adjust the bass, too.'

Yoongi opened his mouth to argue instinctively, then sighed. Jungkook wasn't wrong. He was too good at this.

They were passing time backstage in Chicago which they had not anticipated. Their soundcheck had been pushed back by an hour due to a technical problem and so Yoongi had taken out his laptop for the lack of anything else to do. It hadn't taken long for Jungkook to show up at his side.

'Does anyone want to go to the gym?' Namjoon asked as Yoongi pondered over the bass line Jungkook had pointed out. He had been doing stretches on the other side of the room for a while now.

'Yeah,' Jimin nodded. He looked at Jungkook, and Yoongi mentally prepared for him to leave. He would never say no if both Namjoon and Jimin were going. But a few seconds passed, then more did, and Jungkook only pointed at one of the vocal lines on screen.

'Why is there an effect on here?'

It took Yoongi a moment to focus again. To understand that Jungkook wanted to stay with him.

'Is there? Oh, I was just messing around with it. I wanted it to be an octave higher but I don't think it's humanly possible.'

Jungkook opened his mouth and Yoongi interrupted him by adding, 'For me. I know you could do it.'

'I'll record it for you, Hyung.'

Jungkook didn't even sound arrogant when he said it, and Yoongi kind of hated him for it.

'What about the other song I showed you? Are you ready to try a guide soon?'

'Yeah,' Jungkook nodded eagerly. 'I have a few ideas for it, if you want them. Just for the vocals.'

Again, Yoongi nodded. He knew that Jungkook's input would be helpful even if the way that he thought about music was more instinctive and he didn't have all the right terms for it like Yoongi did.

'Since when are you so eager to learn production?'

It was Hobi who was asking, his voice a little nasal. There was nothing wrong with the question, not even an undertone of an accusation or suspicion, and yet Yoongi felt caught at it.

But Jungkook only hummed excitedly in response.

'I just never knew how much I didn't know about it. I talked to one of the producers in L.A. and realised I'm basically clueless.'

'A producer? Or that one producer?' Taehyung wriggled his eyebrows at Jungkook and threw a joyful glance back at Namjoon who bumped into him deliberately on his way to the door.

'Not her,' Jungkook mumbled, but Taehyung didn't even hear. He joined Jimin and Namjoon even when a moment ago he hadn't raised his voice when he had been asked to come.

'I can show you, too,' Hobi told Jungkook with half a yawn once there were fewer distractions again. 'If you'd like. My way is different from Yoongi Hyung's. It might be interesting to see.'

'Yeah. Thanks.'

A strange kind of warmth spread through Yoongi when he noticed how Jungkook's response lacked enthusiasm. It was kind, polite, grateful, and yet not full of the excitement he showed Yoongi every time he talked to him about new music.

Maybe it was that little bit of reassurance he had needed in order to actually seek Jungkook out again only a day later. They were boarding their private plane to New York, something Yoongi still couldn't quite comprehend. It was another late night flight, another show was behind them, and Yoongi knew it would mean another tired day tomorrow. The routine of plane rides, hotel rooms, backstage areas, soundchecks, and shows was starting to make him feel drowsy from time to time now, whether he had slept well or not, but tonight he would be up again while the other members would fall asleep curled up in their seats.

'Jungkook-ah.' He pushed his way past Jin to get to him. 'Sit with me. I worked on the pre-delay some more this morning.'

Jungkook nodded before he seemed to process.

'You wanna work?' he asked as he came towards him and sank into the seat Yoongi had chosen for him. Once he sat, he yawned.

'Yeah,' Yoongi smiled, his best attempt at gentle persuasion. 'I won't sleep anyways. Might as well get something done.'

'Hyung,' Jungkook tried, then shook his head. 'Alright. Show me.'

Usually, Jungkook fell asleep during take off. It was something Yoongi had always envied him for. He was trying hard to stay awake for Yoongi though, hard enough for it to eventually make Yoongi laugh when he kept nodding off while staring at the screen, but pretended not to.

'I'm sorry,' Jungkook yawned and sat up more straight.

'It's okay. Sleep.'

Jungkook shook his head again, vehemently, but he also couldn't suppress another yawn.

'What does this thing do?' he asked and pointed at a rare effect symbol on Yoongi's laptop, but Yoongi was already closing it gently. He wasn't going to force Jungkook to give up a valuable chance at sleep just to have some company.

Across the aisle from them, Hobi was already snoring through his clogged nose. On the other side, facing Yoongi and Jungkook, was Namjoon who was leaning his head against the window. He had closed his eyes upon take off, but wasn't asleep yet. His phone kept lighting up in his hand and he went back to it every few minutes. Right now, he was watching Yoongi rather thoughtfully and gave him an appreciative look when he met his gaze. Yoongi raised an eyebrow at him in question, but got nothing in return.

He was trying hard to ignore it whenever he felt that the others were watching him and Jungkook which happened more often the more they were focused on each other. Most likely, it was his imagination. None of the guys would notice if Jungkook sat with him. It wasn't like there was any reason for him not to do so. What they might notice, Yoongi thought, was the heart eyes he made at Jungkook, and he beat himself up for it every time he caught himself letting his gaze linger.

He was glad that Namjoon had already closed his eyes again when Jungkook shifted in his seat, sank deeper into it, then let his head fall against Yoongi's shoulder. Two instincts fought for dominance within Yoongi, the one to run, make an excuse, go to the bathroom, reach for his bag from the overhead compartment, and the other the urge to press a kiss to the top of Jungkook's head.

Frozen, he sat without reacting at all while he imagined how Jungkook would respond if he nuzzled his face in his hair, breathed in his scent, kissed his forehead. In a way, he probably wouldn't even think it that strange. Taehyung and Jimin treated him and each other like that all the time. And yet he wasn't used to it from Yoongi. Yoongi couldn't even think straight when Jungkook rested his head against his shoulder.

Still, after a while in which Jungkook's head became steadily more heavy until his whole body rested against Yoongi's, Yoongi managed to relax again. He closed his eyes, willed away all thoughts of how he wanted to wrap his arm around Jungkook, how long it had been since he had held anyone like that, or had been held in return, and instead focused on the soothing, low sound of Jungkook's breathing. He counted his breaths in and out, cursed every bit of turbulence that made him come to every now and then, and eventually found his own head getting heavy.

...

Every hotel room started to look the same. Every venue looked the same, too, only Yoongi didn't feel as trapped in those. They would stay in New York for five days before making their way to Europe, and yet Yoongi didn't really want to unpack. He didn't have much luggage anyways. Most of what he needed was carried and taken care of by his stylists. Aside from his stage outfits or clothes that were given to him for media appearances, he lived in sweatpants in his hotel room.

The routine of things was starting to get to Yoongi. It made him feel a little lost and on edge, made him sleep badly and feel constantly exhausted. As a result, his fight against Jungkook's sudden interest in his company was weak to nonexistent. He liked to believe that in Seoul, he would have maybe been able to make smarter decisions, but he was too glad for the distraction and the break of their routine.

'I don't understand how loving to be on tour and hating it can coexist so well,' he told Jungkook on their second night in New York. There hadn't been a show scheduled today and yet they had been busy filming both their variety show and a handful of interviews for their documentary series. After dinner, Jungkook had come up to Yoongi's room with him as easily as if they had done it a thousand times before. Jimin hadn't even batted an eye when he had waved Jungkook good night and turned towards Hobi instead.

'I know,' Jungkook nodded. He was stood by the window and looked down at the city that seemed to be miles away. 'Whenever we're in Seoul I want to be on tour and once we're traveling I wish we could just stop for a few days at least.'

'At least Hobi is feeling better. And no one else has gotten sick.'

'Yeah. How's your shoulder?'

'Okay. I'm just getting tired of the routine. It always drives me a little crazy to live in this limbo on tour for so long.'

It wasn't really a secret. It was something he would have told all other members in a heartbeat, and yet it was Jungkook who was here to listen to it. It was Jungkook whom Yoongi was starting to want to tell things. Jungkook who seemed to always be around.

'It's strange, right?' Jungkook nodded eagerly. 'We see so much and yet it feels like we're nowhere. I'm starting to forget what city we're in when I wake up.'

'Me too. The hotel rooms are starting to depress me.'

Jungkook turned his head to look at him from the window. There was something so sad in his eyes that Yoongi rethought his words.

'Not like that. Don't worry. I just wish we could go out more. See something other than venues and hotels.'

'I know,' Jungkook nodded. 'We could go and do something. The New York schedule isn't that bad.'

Yoongi made a vague sound.

'I think it's misleading. Fewer shows make you think there'll be more time, but have you looked at the call sheet? We'll be more busy here than if we had five show days in a row.'

It was true. Their final days in the US would be filled with so many appointments, Yoongi could hardly remember them all.

'Then let's record tonight,' Jungkook suggested. 'It's a good distraction and if we don't do it now, we might not get it done before Europe.'

Yoongi considered his words for a moment, then nodded lazily. There wasn't really a reason not to work on the guide tonight. He had to send it to his producer sooner rather than later, and if Jungkook was ready, there was no reason to wait.

'Tell me the ideas that you've had.'

The ideas that Jungkook had were altogether brilliant, but also raw and undefined, and they spent a long time turning his instinctive key changes and harmonies and ad libs into something that both fit Yoongi's idea of the song and would allow him to record it himself at a studio later. Half the things Jungkook suggested were entirely impossible for Yoongi to imitate and therefore useless unless he decided to go with a feature.

Or, Yoongi thought, he could ask Jungkook to sing on the EP. He could make his voice wrap his songs in something so painfully personal to Yoongi, it would be known only to him. But something was holding him back. A guide was one thing, but a feature another. It would bind Jungkook to this project that was just about the only thing Yoongi could really call his own. It was the one thing that he could still focus on without the constant interruptions of Jungkook's existence.

So when Jungkook asked about who Yoongi would like to collaborate with on the final product, not just the guides, he slowly admitted, 'Joon-ah. We've talked about one song already.'

Jungkook nodded as if this made all the sense in the world. As if he had expected nothing else.

'He'll be perfect.'

Yoongi couldn't hold back the smile that crept onto his lips. It was a little resigned, a little teasing, a little honest and a little bit false.

'Who would you want to feature on your songs?' he asked.

'My songs?' Jungkook almost looked a little startled. He was on the bed by now, cross legged, right next to Yoongi. 'I don't really have any.'

'You know what I mean. One day, when you do.'

Jungkook sighed. 'I don't know if I ever will. Every time I write something, I'm intrigued by it for a day or two and then I no longer like it.'

It was so much like Jungkook, Yoongi's smile only grew.

'But that's okay. That's how I started out, too.'

'I like your songs, Hyung,' Jungkook told him eagerly. 'Mine won't be the same.'

Yoongi shook his head. If only Jungkook knew the power that his voice held. It was a gift few people had, to be able to sing even a simple song and have the world listen.

'You need to stop comparing yourself.'

Jungkook's gaze met his. For a moment, he seemed to think. Then he said quietly, 'Thank you, Hyung. Maybe I can show you a song idea some time.'

'Always.'

It was quiet for a long moment in which Jungkook ripped a small hole into his toe sock by tearing at a loose threat.

'Jungkook-ah.' Yoongi didn't really know why he said it. Why this was suddenly on his mind again. 'What I said by the pool. You wanting to be like Namjoon Hyung. You know it's not a bad thing, right? I understand that he's easy to look up to. I just want you to know that I don't see you as someone who has to work hard to keep up with us in any way. You're the youngest, but you're just as much your own person as we all are. You don't have to impress us. Not me, anyways. I just want you to be honest with yourself.'

Why did Jungkook's eyes always have to turn so beautifully wide every time he was listening attentively? He was endearing that way, with a small blush now colouring his cheeks and a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

'I know, Hyung. Yoongi-yah. I don't feel that way around you. You make it really easy.'

It was impossible that Jungkook really understood. How could he know how guilty Yoongi felt over every single thought he had about him, how much Yoongi wanted him to see them as equals, if only to ease his own conscience at least a little bit. Even just him dropping those honorifics made Yoongi feel right, although he gave him a look for it.

'You'll write a number one album one day. Just stop looking at what everyone else is doing.'

The smile on Jungkook's face grew, but so did the blush on his cheeks.

'Yoongi-yah,' he grinned.

'Don't make a habit out of it.'

But Jungkook only repeated his words, louder, happily.

'Yoongi-yah!'

Yoongi reached for one of the pillows and smacked it against Jungkook's head, making him laugh and topple over exaggeratedly. He was addicting, Yoongi thought, but only until the pillow hit his own head and Jungkook's laughter grew. They both reached for it again at the same time, fell, then rolled around on the bed for a while trying to get another good hit in. Jungkook's knee knocked into Yoongi's thigh, Yoongi was trying to keep him pressed down into the mattress with his hand on his chest, but it was futile.

Jungkook only laughed at his weak attempt at overpowering him, and instead pushed back until he was propped up on top of Yoongi, one hand on each of his sides, his smile excited and wide.

'Yoongi-yah,' he laughed.

Yoongi pushed at his chest, hard, and to his surprise Jungkook went easily and sat back up, brushing his hair out of his forehead.

'I think we should have wine,' he announced.

Yoongi stayed where he was, trying to catch his breath. There was too much distance between them. He had let himself go for one second and already Jungkook felt too far away. He knew, rationally, that giving in to him like this could only end in him aching more for him, and yet he didn't know how to stay away from him these days. If Jungkook was this easily excitable, how was he ever going to tell him no?

There was one thing he could deny him though.

'Not before we're recording. I want you sober for that.'

'It's just a guide, Hyung.'

The honorific came out with enough emphasis for Yoongi to raise an eyebrow at him in warning. To his surprise, it was enough to make Jungkook groan and nod.

'Let's get it done then.'

He was serious about it in a heartbeat, and Yoongi appreciated it more than he could have said. It took them several attempts to get an acceptable version on tape, but endless more of them for Yoongi to feel like they had shaped the song into the best version it could be presented in. Even if it was just a guide, it would forever be linked with Jungkook now that he had sung it so many times. And still, Yoongi didn't want him to stop.

Once Jungkook finally returned to his own room in the morning, still sober, Yoongi pressed play on the recording once, then looped it until he fell asleep.

...

Jungkook revisited his idea of a video diary for their European leg of the tour. He was glued to the window during their descent into London and continued to bother both the members and the staff all throughout their first day that they spent entirely at the venue. Yoongi was tired once more, but the excitement about Wembley Stadium kept him going. They had never played a concert on such a large scale this far away from home, and so when Jungkook shoved his phone camera into his face over and over again, Yoongi couldn't help but smile and mess around with the other members just like Jungkook encouraged them to do.

At first, he thought the continued mentions of Jungkook's name that woke him from his weak sleep on a couch backstage had to do with yet more filming which was why he didn't stir, but he instantly felt wide awake when he caught the word 'hospital'.

'What?' he demanded, his voice rough. A look around showed him Namjoon by the door with two members of the staff as well as Hobi standing a little further behind, concern grave on his face. It was he who turned to look at Yoongi and came towards him while Namjoon continued to translate between staff and venue workers, but kept going on in English for too long which Yoongi had no patience for.

'What happened?' Yoongi repeated.

'Kook-ah cut his heel,' Hobi told him flatly. 'No idea how, he came out of a bathroom bleeding.'

Somehow the feeling in Yoongi's chest was both relief and immediate worry. It was only a cut, Jungkook would certainly be okay even if he had to go to the hospital, and yet he was hurt, in pain, definitely worried about tonight's show and about having caused more trouble, Yoongi was sure of it.

'Where is he?'

Yoongi was on his feet so quickly, he felt a little dizzy with the sudden movement.

'Down the hall. But Jimin-ah is with him, and a medic and management. I don't think...'

Yoongi was already headed for the door. If Jimin was allowed to be by Jungkook's side, Yoongi could at least offer him the same. He had to see him to make sure he was alright before he would get out of the way.

There was a small crowd in front of one particular room in the hallway Yoongi entered, and it was where he headed without hesitation. He felt the looks of staff members on him when he pushed past them, most of them displeased with his interference, but he didn't care. Dimly, he registered one of the stylists saying something about privacy, but he didn't care about that either.

Jungkook was spread out on the floor in a rather indignant way that made Yoongi's heart skip a beat with worry. The way that he had his foot elevated and a towel stuffed underneath his head made him look worse than Yoongi had initially expected when all he thought was wrong with Jungkook was a superficial wound on his foot. It looked as if he had fainted like he had years ago in Chile. But when Yoongi took in his face, he quickly realised that he was fully conscious and seemingly not too concerned with any pain he might be in. His foot was wrapped up and unrecognisable, so Yoongi asked, 'How bad is it?'

Jungkook's head turned towards him and he managed a weak smile.

'I can dance,' was the first thing he said, but their head manager immediately objected with, 'That is to be determined. We don't want you to hurt yourself even more.'

As much issue as Yoongi sometimes took with their management, whether silently or loudly, hot headedly, he nodded in agreement without knowing anything about the situation.

'What did you do?'

Jungkook said, as if he had already said it many times before, 'I cut my heel in the bathroom.'

'How?' Yoongi asked, but it was in that moment that the door was opened again and another medic came in. There was already one of them crouching by Jungkook's wrapped up foot. Jimin was standing behind him, his face hard with worry.

Yoongi stepped aside to let the medics work, but his eyes locked with Jungkook's. For some reason, he seemed to be focused on him for too long.

'I'm okay,' Jungkook said quietly. As if only for him. Yoongi swallowed hard, then watched the medics draw back bright red dressings from Jungkook's foot.

A moment later, one of them said something in English which their head manager translated to, 'He'll need stitches.'

Yoongi's stomach sank, not necessarily because stitches were the end of the world, but because of the look on Jungkook's face. They all knew that him dancing with a freshly stitched up foot was unlikely.

Still, Jungkook tried, 'But then I can dance?'

There was more conversation in English that Yoongi understood enough of to know that dancing was advised against. Their head manager nodded too seriously for it to be good news.

'Jungkook-ah,' she eventually turned towards him. 'We want you to be safe. You won't be safe dancing on stage tonight. Let's get you stitched up and figure out how to compromise on the performance tonight. Where is Namjoon-ah?'

Jimin was already by Jungkook's side, where Yoongi wanted to be.

'It's okay,' he was telling him. 'We need you for so many more shows, you're better off skipping this one than seriously injuring yourself and being out for weeks or months.'

'I'm not skipping it!'

Jungkook tried to sit up, but was held down immediately by both Jimin and one of the medics.

'Does he need to go to the hospital?' Yoongi asked, but when their manager didn't answer, distracted by a text that she was sending, probably to other staff, he tried in English, 'Hospital?'

One of the medics shook his head.

'We can do it here.'

Yoongi understood. He was about to turn towards Jungkook again, thought about maybe taking his hand, touching his shoulder in support, when their manager suddenly announced, 'Okay, everyone out but the medics. We'll meet in the green room once their work is done and we can discuss tonight.'

Yoongi couldn't hide the scowl that he sent the camera man pressed into one corner of the room from where he got the perfect angle of Jungkook being in pain. He wanted him out of the room the most. He had no business capturing this moment. Jungkook wouldn't ever want to rewatch it.

As caring as Jimin was, he seemed to have no problem leaving Jungkook alone when it was ordered, as he retreated from his side easily after a quick pat on his collarbone.

'You'll be alright,' he told him.

The door had been opened again, there was Hobi's voice saying something about how they should give the medics space to work which was ironic as he had been the last one to show up. Yoongi tried to catch Jungkook's gaze once more, but he was staring up at the ceiling now, his eyes shining with tears though none of them fell.

'Kook-ah,' he said, as quietly as he could manage. It was enough for Jungkook to turn to look at him. 'Do you want me to stay?'

Jungkook looked at him for a long moment, opened his mouth, but never spoke as their manager clapped her hands, demanding, 'Everyone, please move towards the green room!'

Jungkook shook his head a little, even if he looked sad while doing so. Knowing him, he didn't want to be difficult about this and already felt as if this was his fault. Yoongi didn't want to question him right now, and so he did as he was told and left the room with a strange feeling in his gut.

Of course he was worried about the show, but they would find a way to make it work. It was unavoidable that they all got hurt or sick at some point, and they would have to work with the reality of it. What upset him more was how sad Jungkook had looked. No matter the reason, Yoongi just hated seeing him like that. He wanted to rip whatever was upsetting Jungkook right out of his chest for him any time it happened.

'He'll be okay.'

Yoongi turned, surprised to see Jimin by his side and feel his hand on his shoulder.

'I know he will.'

'Then why do you look like he's going to die?'

Jimin himself looked unhappy, and Yoongi gave him a look that said so. Before he could actually say anything, Jimin wrapped his arm fully around him as they walked and told him, 'It's nice that you're spending so much time with him these days. He talks about you a lot.'

'What?'

Yoongi hadn't meant to sound so alarmed, but Jimin was already laughing.

'Don't worry, all good things. He seems very excited.'

'Excited,' Yoongi repeated stupidly. 'Great.'

He didn't know what to make of this. Or if he even wanted to know what kind of things Jungkook was saying about him. Of course it was better than the opposite, Jungkook disliking him or their time together would feel like a dagger to the heart, but there was that familiar feeling of guilt tugging at him. Jungkook didn't know how Yoongi felt about him, how he looked at him sometimes when Jungkook wasn't aware, what kind of thoughts about him he was fighting in his head. It wasn't fair to allow them to grow closer without Jungkook knowing any of it. And it also wasn't what Yoongi needed. For his infatuation to spiral further out of control by how Jungkook was constantly around him suddenly. But he couldn't help it.

He still managed to feel disappointed when Jungkook joined them in the green room a good while later and sank into an armchair that wasn't right next to Yoongi. He had come in with the help of one of their body guards as he couldn't put weight on his injured foot that was now heavily bandaged over his stitches. There wasn't really a discussion to be had about him dancing on stage tonight, and to Yoongi's relief, the others agreed.

'It won't be so bad,' Hobi told Jungkook once it had been decided that he would spend the show sitting down. 'We'll come and include you, still.'

'I know.'

Jungkook hadn't argued, he overall looked more composed than Yoongi would have thought, but of course he was unhappy with the situation. Yoongi had a feeling that he was trying hard to be amicable, in line with his determination to not upset management once more on this tour.

'I'm surprised you're not crying,' Hobi smiled, clearly in an attempt to cheer Jungkook up further, to which he gave a halfhearted laugh.

'I almost did earlier.'

Yoongi didn't miss the glance that he threw at the camera. Jungkook was trying hard to be strong with the idea of the documentary in the back of his mind, and Yoongi somehow both appreciated it and wished that no one had to pretend for once.

But it was what Jungkook kept doing throughout the rest of the day. He did his best to remain cheerful during soundcheck even when he took a seat on the chair that had been organised for him. He was quiet, but made sure to smile every now and then whenever there were too many eyes on him. Yoongi still wasn't surprised when he did end up crying on stage though. He had known all along that his composure was weak.

It wasn't until late at night that Yoongi finally dared to go near him again, and it was only because he felt sure that all other members had already retreated to their hotel rooms to get some sleep. He himself was about to fall asleep standing up after their long overnight flight from the US during which he had barely closed his eyes, but he knew that he couldn't go to bed without checking on Jungkook at least once.

Jungkook was shirtless when he opened the door for Yoongi. For a second, Yoongi wanted to turn around and simply return to his own room, but Jungkook was already hobbling to the side to let him in. He had crutches now, but apparently hadn't thought to use them when he had come to the door.

'I need to take a shower,' he told Yoongi, 'But I can't get the bandages wet before they'll be changed in the morning.'

'Just wash up by the sink,' Yoongi suggested, but Jungkook made a face at him.

'I didn't dance, but I was still on stage for three hours. I'm sweaty.'

Jungkook had always been neat like that, had always liked the smell of fresh laundry and just washed hair and lightly scented things.

Yoongi turned away from him and wandered towards the window. Still, the reflection showed Jungkook's bare upper body tantalisingly. It made no sense how a few years ago, Yoongi had felt nothing when he had seen him like this, had only thought of him as a younger brother, and suddenly he felt nervous being around him like this. Granted, back then Jungkook had been a child, a teenager, which he clearly wasn't anymore, but that didn't change that Yoongi had met him at that age. It was unreasonable how his associations with Jungkook had turned from one thing to another altogether over the matter of a year or two.

'Jin Hyung got me this plastic bag,' Jungkook continued to tell him without taking note of his suffering. In the reflection, he could see him holding up said bag. 'It should work, right?'

'Sure.' Yoongi desperately needed to avoid Jungkook asking for help. 'Are you in any pain?'

Jungkook shook his head no.

'I was earlier, but they gave me painkillers.'

'And are you okay otherwise?'

He made himself turn around when Jungkook didn't answer immediately, though he kept his eyes turned upwards with focus.

'I'm annoyed,' Jungkook admitted, his chin tilted up. 'It's not just this one show. They want me to sit out so many until I'm healed.'

Had he been fully dressed, maybe Yoongi would have moved in to hug him.

'I get it. It's Europe and all, too.'

'Right.'

There wasn't really a need to say anything else. They both knew how much the situation sucked. Yoongi himself would have been upset, and he didn't have Jungkook's dedication to perfection on stage.

'I'm sorry,' Jungkook tried, but Yoongi waved him off immediately.

'Come on. You didn't get cut on purpose.'

Jungkook only hummed. Then he refocused on his plastic bag and studied it thoughtfully.

'Will you have a drink with me after I figure this out?' he asked.

Even though he hadn't planned on it, Yoongi walked over to the bed that was still untouched and sat down at the foot.

'Painkillers and alcohol is not a good combination.'

It was curious how Jungkook first scoffed, then immediately turned serious again, his eyes suddenly large and attentive.

'I thought it was the antidepressants that are the issue.'

How had he made this about Yoongi? Was that the association that he had with painkillers? The few times in which Yoongi had leaned on them too much, had suffered through bad hangovers caused by exactly that combination of painkillers with either alcohol or his usual medication, or had complained about the side effects of whatever pills he had been given by management?

'This is about you,' he tried, but Jungkook had that look on him that meant he was already too curious to let it drop.

'We never talked much about it,' Jungkook mumbled. 'Your pills and all.'

And all?

'There isn't much to talk about, Kook-ah. It just took a while to work out how to balance the antidepressants with the pain killers, and the drinking didn't help the process. It's been years since I really had problems with any of it.'

'But we didn't talk about the why. Why you even need them.'

'Because of the shoulder.'

Jungkook gave him a look. Of course he hadn't meant those pills.

'We didn't,' Yoongi admitted after a moment. 'But we also don't have to. At least not now.'

'Someday?'

Yoongi found himself nodding even though he didn't know where any of this was coming from. He had come to Jungkook's room to see whether he was alright, to make sure he wasn't crashing too hard after the day he'd had, and yet here they were again, talking about things they had never before talked about.

'Go shower,' he instructed.

Jungkook went without comment, but he left the door ajar and didn't tell Yoongi good night beforehand, as if he expected him to stay right where he was. And so Yoongi did. He leaned back on the bed and closed his eyes while he listened to Jungkook humming in the bathroom. Steam slowly started to fog up the room and Yoongi took a deep breath filled with the scent of Jungkook's shower gel and shampoo. He heard Jungkook fumble with the plastic bag, tried to keep listening in case he did need any help, but soon found his thoughts grow heavy with sleep.

Before he knew it, someone was pushing gently at his shoulder.

'Hyung. Hyung. Hyung!'

Yoongi rolled to the side on which he was pushed, then opened his eyes sleepily to see Jungkook leaning over him, his hair now wet, his face bare, a loose shirt covering his chest.

'Come here,' Jungkook mumbled as Yoongi got up without thinking much, simply because he had been moved. 'No. Here.'

Jungkook drew back the duvet Yoongi had been laying on and a moment later, crawled into bed while he looked at Yoongi as if he waited for him to follow.

'Come and sleep here,' Jungkook repeated. 'You're tired.'

It was approximately one minute to his own room. Being exhausted was not an argument. But Jungkook looked soft and warm and Yoongi was so, so tired of being reasonable around him. So he crawled underneath Jungkook's blanket and sighed at the softness of the bed.

'Hyung,' he heard Jungkook whisper. 'Thank you for coming.'

But he was too tired to respond. For once, sleep came easy.

Chapter Text

Jungkook had been right when he had said that he would miss more than one show. He didn't dance on their second night in London, and things got even worse when Jimin, too, had to sit out on their activities for two days with muscle pain. When they discussed their upcoming show in Amsterdam on the flight there, on Jimin's birthday, management still insisted on procuring a chair for Jungkook without leaving it up for discussion. He was soldiering on with more mental strength than Yoongi had expected, though he would never tell him that. Yet it was obvious that missing out was getting to him, especially when it was paired with someone else's suffering on top of his own.

Yoongi felt torn between seeking him out whenever he could to distract him, and wanting to avoid him. Falling asleep in Jungkook's bed had been yet another reminder, maybe the loudest one yet, that he needed to be on his guard, and yet he still couldn't bring any distance between them. A part of him still wanted to ask Jungkook why every time he approached him, but he knew he wouldn't get any satisfying answers. He knew as well as all the other members that their group dynamic was ever changing. Even with Namjoon he went through ups and downs. Right now, Jungkook had latched on to him, but without doubt he would fade out of his personal space again naturally.

Only Yoongi caught himself again and again with the realisation that it wasn't Jungkook who had come to him. It was Yoongi who wanted to make sure Jungkook was doing okay despite the disappointment and the pain of his injury, Yoongi who brought him a can of Guinness on their second London night without commenting on the painkillers once more, and Yoongi who sent him the nearly finalised guide of the song they had recorded as they descended into Amsterdam, bringing Jungkook to his hotel room once more a few hours later.

'I like it,' Jungkook told him, as if he couldn't have just texted him this. 'I can't wait to hear your version now.'

'I wonder if I can beat yours.'

It wasn't often that Yoongi felt self-conscious or doubtful about his music, not anymore, but Jungkook's guide had managed it. It was so incredibly good, he had considered giving the song to Jungkook altogether. But that would throw him back on his mission to encourage Jungkook to write his own music. Also, Jungkook usually didn't rap. There was no way that Big Hit would agree to marketing the song as a single for him.

'I don't like this hotel,' Jungkook complained a moment later, ignoring the praise Yoongi had given him.

'I think we're all getting a little sick on them in general, no?'

Jungkook hummed in agreement.

'You think we can go out?'

'Go out? Why didn't you join your boys? It's Jimin-ah's special night.'

Jimin and Taehyung weren't the only ones who were making use of their night off upon arrival in the Netherlands, but they were the only ones who had headed for a bar, accompanied by quite a few members of their staff and security. Jungkook hadn't joined them after he had been glued to Jimin's side all day to congratulate him a million times and take pictures of him from every angle.

'I mean going outside. I miss just being able to walk around like we do in Seoul.'

Yoongi was well aware that Jungkook didn't do a whole lot of casual walking even at home, but he guessed it was the idea of it. The familiarity of the neighbourhood and the ease of knowing how their world worked. In Seoul, they knew what risks they could take, which places to go to and which to avoid, and chances that they were photographed in public were there, but slim. Outside of Korea, the rules were different and unfamiliar which certainly played into why Yoongi himself hardly ever left his hotel room even when he could have done so.

'You can't really walk,' he noted and jerked his chin at Jungkook's foot. He still wore his bandages, but had ditched the crutches as soon as it had been possible.

'Sure I can. I can't dance, that's a different kind of strain on my heel.'

He was right of course. Yoongi had kept a careful eye on him these last few days and while he hadn't shown too much energy backstage, he also had started to walk somewhat normally again after two or three days.

'Let's sneak out, Hyung.'

Yoongi couldn't help the short laugh that left him. It was so like Jungkook to sound so excited about something as easy as this.

'It's not sneaking out if there's no rule that keeps us from leaving.'

'There kind of is,' Jungkook smiled. 'About going by ourselves. No management.'

Yoongi should have gotten used to how his treacherous heart started to beat a little faster at the notion of doing just that, and still he managed to feel annoyed by it.

'What happened to being on your best behaviour?'

'What happened to you not giving a fuck?'

Their eyes met, Jungkook's smirk melting Yoongi's insides. The cursing was rare, but the shame that Yoongi felt when he realised how weak he was for it wasn't.

'Come on,' Jungkook pushed as he came towards him from the window. 'What's so bad about going for a stroll around the canals? We can let them know once we're already gone. Say we'll be back in a bit.'

'It's not me standing in your way, it should be your own conscience.'

'Ah, Hyung,' Jungkook groaned. 'It's a walk. I really don't think they'll be too hard on us. We'll plead innocence.'

So Yoongi shrugged. In his mind he was already outside with Jungkook, enjoying the picturesque scenery of Amsterdam at night where the canal lights illuminated the cobblestone streets and bridges. Their hotel wasn't exactly located in the city centre, which made their plan to leave it relatively harmless. Besides, they had never specifically been told no to go anywhere without security. It was so much of a given that it hadn't needed to be put into words.

It was a small act of rebellion, yet they were both smiling when they caught each other's gaze in the mirrored elevator wall a few minutes later.

'Don't tell Joon-ah about this,' Yoongi said once they were out on the street and Jungkook was sending a text to management to inform them about their whereabouts. 'He already thinks I'm corrupting you.'

'He doesn't need to know.'

The words meant more to Yoongi than they should have. He knew that whatever kind of jealousy or bitterness he felt towards Namjoon when it came to Jungkook was futile and unfair, and yet it was there. Yoongi couldn't help but feel satisfied with himself when Jungkook chose him over their leader this consciously.

They walked slowly, not only due to Jungkook's lingering injury, but also because the view of the canal close to the hotel warranted it. Jungkook stopped every other minute to take pictures both of the scenery and of Yoongi standing by the water, most often with his back towards the camera. It was a beautiful autumn night, not too cold, but just crisp enough for Yoongi to bury his hands deep in the pockets of his jacket. It wasn't busy outside, and the few people that they did pass took no particular interest in them.

As much as Yoongi enjoyed being on stage, he was grateful for the anonymity off of it that he was granted less often as the years passed. During their debut years, he had felt excited every time someone had clearly recognised him in Seoul, but nowadays he hoped to be able to blend into the crowd like he was right now. It didn't feel like he and Jungkook were being watched or had to be on their guard. It was a rare moment for them to be somewhere without staff, without cameras, and Yoongi could tell that Jungkook noticed it too when he eventually slipped his phone back into his pocket and instead kept watching the canal and every boat that passed them attentively.

'Strange that it's become so rare to be out like this,' Yoongi stated the obvious. 'I never really thought we'd get to a point where we'd have to worry about this somewhere on the other side of the world.'

'I've always hated this part the most.'

'Yeah? I would have thought for you it was the fact that you missed out on being a kid.'

'But that's the same thing. Kind of. When I was sixteen, seventeen, I wanted to do so many normal things that I just couldn't do because they were too public. I sometimes envy you for those years in Daegu that you had before debut. You just made music and hung out with your friends.'

Jungkook wasn't wrong, but it made Yoongi feel strange to hear him use the word envy. His life in Daegu had been full of things he was grateful for, but it had also been complicated and dark and challenging at times. Jungkook knew parts of that, but certainly not as much as Yoongi would be willing to tell him if he ever asked the right questions.

'Like,' Jungkook now continued, his shoulder bumping into Yoongi's, 'Even just holding my girlfriend's hand. I remember how upset I was about never being able to do that properly.'

It was a little unnerving how easily he brought her up after not talking about her to Yoongi for years, not properly at least. But as much as Yoongi hated it, he was also grateful for it. Something had changed between them for Jungkook to feel comfortable enough to say this, and Yoongi couldn't bring himself to not appreciate it.

'I get that,' he made himself say, his eyes fixed on the water. 'I really hope that one day you can have those moments somehow, even if they won't feel the same when you're older.'

It hurt in the sweetest way to say it, but it wasn't untrue. All Yoongi wanted was for Jungkook to be happy, and if what he needed for that was to hold someone's hand, then Yoongi had and would live with it.

'I guess I will,' Jungkook hummed. 'Though it feels strange right now to imagine it. It would be like living two lives somehow.'

'Do you feel like you're missing out on anything?'

It was genuine curiosity that made Yoongi ask. That moment he had witnessed in L.A. had been strange for Jungkook, he was well ware of it, and yet there had been a certain kind of desperation in it that Yoongi found hard to deny.

'A little bit,' Jungkook shrugged. Yoongi could almost feel it with how close he was walking to him. 'But it's not like I think about it all the time. I'm too grateful for where the group is right now.'

It sounded blissful. Being able to focus on Bangtan like that, without the daily distraction of that hot and heavy want in his guts. Though for Yoongi it was a lot more personal than the general desire for intimacy or closeness.

'Do you really mean it when you say that music is all you need in life?' Jungkook now asked. He was headed for a bench that stood facing the canal and Yoongi followed him easily.

'We already talked about this,' he mumbled. 'It's not a priority.'

Jungkook didn't say anything in return. They sat and watched another boat pass by, this one with a dressed up dinner company toasting to each other cheerfully. On the other side of the canal, two young men were walking on the sidewalk, slowly, just like Yoongi had just done with Jungkook. Their shoulders were brushing as well, their arms, one of them seemed to be holding on to the other. It took Yoongi a moment to realise in what way simply because he wasn't used to it from his life in Seoul. They were holding hands, almost covered by their coats, but not indiscreetly.

Yoongi couldn't help but watch them for too long. The comparison was too obvious, what with Jungkook being with him right now, but even if it had been anyone else, Yoongi would have probably felt that pull of wistfulness deep in his chest. One day, Jungkook would be allowed to hold his girlfriend's hand, even out in public, but there were too many aspects of Yoongi's life that would never allow him to do the same. He would never be with someone like that. Not in the life he had chosen, not in the life he had been born into.

It took too long for Yoongi to realise that Jungkook was following his gaze, and when he did, he lowered his eyes too abruptly and shifted on the bench, feeling caught.

'I meant what I said in Oakland. Was it Oakland? It's all becoming a bit of a blur.' Jungkook's voice was soft when he spoke.

Yoongi was looking down at his shoes, but fought a smile when he said, 'If you mean the night we got hopelessly drunk, then yeah, Oakland. What did you say there? Do I remember?'

To his side, Jungkook leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, bringing himself a little closer to Yoongi once more as well. He didn't laugh even though Yoongi had wanted him to.

'That I want us to talk properly. The things you told me that night, I don't know why I never knew them before. Those girls back in Daegu and all. Or how you crashed so hard after debut.'

'You do know about that,' Yoongi mumbled. 'Everyone does. I even rap about it.'

'You know what I mean. It's like what you said about Nayeong-ah. You know about her, but you never heard about it from me.'

'Why do you want to talk about that now?'

The question of why had been building up within Yoongi for so long now, he wasn't exactly surprised when it came out, yet he instantly felt regret.

'Why? I...' Jungkook faltered. 'We're changing these days, no? You and I?' He sounded uncertain when he spoke, and Yoongi sighed, his regret changing directions. 'I don't know,' he mumbled. 'I'm just curious.'

It was the first time that Jungkook had really acknowledged their newfound closeness. The new layers of their friendship that they were starting to uncover. Somehow, it made it even more irreversible to Yoongi. It made him feel nervous.

He took a deep breath.

'I'm sorry. It's okay to ask. I just got so used to being on my guard about certain things.'

'Even around me?'

Jungkook sounded incomprehensibly sad about it, but it was the truth of things, and it was what Yoongi had wanted. Honesty.

'Around everyone. It's nothing personal.'

Yoongi saw Jungkook nod, slowly, as if to himself. He looked sad now, too, and Yoongi hated it.

'Hey,' he said quietly. 'It's not the same as not wanting to talk about it. I just kind of forgot how, I guess.'

On the other side of the canal, the couple Yoongi had watched was almost far enough away now for Yoongi to no longer be able to see them at all. There was only the black outline of their coats, as if they had merged into one person.

'Life before debut,' Yoongi started, not looking at Jungkook, 'It wasn't all that glamourous. I guess things just built up and at some point music wasn't enough anymore to fix it. But I got help in Seoul, and I feel a lot better now. You know that.'

He watched Jungkook nod. He seemed to be mouthing 'okay', but Yoongi could tell that he was still thrown off track somehow. For a moment, Yoongi watched his profile as he looked out over the canal, vaguely into the direction of the couple that had now disappeared. And for a moment, Yoongi imagined what it would be like to lay himself bare for Jungkook. To rip his chest open and let him see every single part of him. It was something he hadn't even done for Namjoon, not even after all those years. Deep inside of him, something began to stir. A need for honesty that he hadn't thought he'd feel tonight.

He kept watching Jungkook. It was more his own thoughts than what he saw in Jungkook that suddenly made him realise that they were thinking along the same lines.

'That's not the part that you're curious about.'

It was a realisation that made him smile, even if it was dangerous.

'Of course I am!' Jungkook almost sounded offended at the suggestion, though he also seemed to suddenly fight a small smile when he turned to look at Yoongi.

'But not as much as you want to know about my love life.'

'Hyung,' Jungkook predictably squirmed. Even in the dark Yoongi felt sure that the tips of his ears were reddening. He watched him rub his hands over the dark denim fabric covering his thighs, as if he was suddenly nervous. 'It's just so interesting,' he sighed. 'There's exactly six people in the world that I can talk to about these things. Jin Hyung gets uncomfortable as hell, Hobi Hyung is too grossly in love, and Jimin Hyung and Taehyung Hyung have already told me just about everything there is to know about their lives. I just get curious.'

'What about Namjoon-ah?'

'Ah,' Jungkook made. He was smiling properly now, even as Yoongi was teasing him just with a look. 'He's too cool to ask.'

Yoongi's laugh was too loud.

'Namjoon-ah has the most embarrassing sex stories I've ever heard,' he huffed.

Jungkook's eyes grew a little too wide, but his smile didn't falter.

'At least he has some,' he muttered, but not too unhappily.

'So do you,' Yoongi reminded him.

The sound Jungkook made was vague.

'I guess.'

Yoongi let his gaze roam over the canal once more. There were quite a few windows illuminated by light on the other side of the street. Here and there, he could see shadowy outlines of people moving around inside their homes. On a balcony, two girls were standing with cigarettes gleaming in the dark. It was right next to them that Yoongi spotted a colourful rainbow flag stuck to the railing.

'I'm sorry if this is weird,' he heard Jungkook say, a little more seriously again. 'I don't mean it like that. You don't have to tell me these things. All I wanted to say is that I liked it when you did in Oakland. It's a part of you and I'm curious, both drunk and sober. That's all.'

The flag didn't look out of place. In this world, in a city like Amsterdam, no one would bat an eye at Yoongi's secret. At least he liked to imagine it like that. Compared to the consequences his honesty would have in his own world, it felt utopian to be leaning against a balcony decorated in rainbows or to hold his boyfriend's hand on the street.

He took a deep breath. The truth he had never planned to tell Jungkook about suddenly tasted too real right on his tongue. Jungkook was the very last person he had imagined he would tell this to, and yet here he was, sitting too close to him, being too honest and vulnerable himself, handing him a sledgehammer and pointing so damn invitingly at any walls left between them.

'Kook-ah,' Yoongi started, his voice as quiet as he could make it before it would be a whisper. It felt like he was out of breath, like he was trembling, but somehow his voice sounded normal when he said, 'I want to tell you things. I want us to talk like this. But my stories aren't all about girls.'

For a split second, Yoongi wanted to take the words back simply because it felt like too much. Then, a strange kind of calm came over him. It wasn't a truth that was scandalous to himself, not after all those years in which he had known it, and something about saying it out loud felt more right than anything else he had said in years. He never would have thought that he would say it to Jungkook of all people, but now that he had, he realised how he had always wanted him to know it the most.

Jungkook's mouth opened and closed, then opened again to form a small oh. Yoongi watched him swallow. He held his gaze as steadily as he could even if his heart was hammering loudly in his chest no matter how sure he felt of his decision.

'That doesn't change anything,' Jungkook managed after a moment, as if he was speaking in an offbeat rhythm, slightly delayed. 'I mean, not for me. You can tell me anything.'

The relief that spread through Yoongi was unreasonable. He had never thought for a second that Jungkook, or any of the members, would truly react badly, and yet he knew that Jungkook wasn't entirely right when he said it didn't change a thing. It did, only those changes didn't have to be scary when Jungkook still hadn't averted his gaze, but was looking back at Yoongi with determination, as if he wanted to prove something to him that Yoongi didn't need any more proof of.

'Kook-ah,' Yoongi said again, the word more of a shaky exhale. Now, he was trembling, despite the calm. 'Nobody else knows.'

'Nobody?'

Jungkook's eyes were often wide like this, but hardly ever quite as surprised.

'Nobody in Seoul.'

'Your family?'

'Fuck no,' Yoongi said too quickly. 'Sorry. No.'

Jungkook's jaw set in a way that seemed to swallow anger, but Yoongi didn't think it was directed at him.

'Not Namjoon Hyung?'

'No one in Seoul,' Yoongi repeated.

Jungkook nodded. He was still processing, Yoongi knew, and he prepared for more questions, but when Jungkook spoke again it was only to say, 'Thank you. I won't ever tell a soul.'

The way that Jungkook nodded, as if to himself, as if he was making a promise, was more than enough to make Yoongi suddenly swallow against a lump in his throat. He had really told him. Everything would change now. Everything. Maybe the calm that Yoongi felt wasn't that. Maybe it was terror.

'Hyung!'

Yoongi was standing up though he didn't know why. He just couldn't stay where he was, he had to move, had to bring some distance between him and Jungkook. Or maybe he needed the opposite.

Soothing warmth spread through him when Jungkook wrapped his arms around him more tightly than he ever had before. It wasn't a quick hug, it wasn't superficial affection. It was Jungkook holding him together when Yoongi hadn't known that he was capable of it. He hadn't even known how close he had been to falling apart this suddenly.

'Sorry,' he managed to breathe against Jungkook's neck. 'Sorry.'

'Hyung,' Jungkook mumbled in return. His voice was muffled by the fabric of Yoongi's hood. 'It's okay. You could tell me anything at all and it would always be okay.'

It took a long moment in which Yoongi's heart raced in light of what had just happened, of how close Jungkook was to him, how good he smelled, how familiar, how his words were so good, and he felt soothed for exactly the same reasons. Jungkook didn't pull back for a long time and Yoongi let the affection happen to him without arguing. He felt almost exhausted, as if saying that one sentence had drained him of all the built up anxiety around it all at once so that only a tingling kind of numbness was left inside of him.

When, finally, he took a step back and Jungkook dropped his arms, it was only so he could look at him to say, 'I'm sorry you'll be put in a weird position with the guys. I know it sucks to keep things from them.'

But Jungkook shook his head slowly.

'It's not mine to keep from them. It doesn't matter much.'

Yoongi took a deep breath. His body had gone through too many emotions at once and seemed stuck in some kind of limbo, waiting for him to decide on a direction.

'I don't know why they baby you,' he chose to smile. 'Clearly you don't deserve it anymore.'

The smile on Jungkook's face was so bright, Yoongi almost faltered in the light of it.

'They're learning,' he grinned. 'It's okay.'

He inclined his head a little towards the pavement they had walked on, but not into the direction of the hotel. Yoongi fell into step easily when he started to move.

'I want to take pictures from that bridge,' Jungkook explained and pointed forward into the distance. So it was where they walked, still slowly.

'Can I ask you things?'

It was predictable and only fair, and so Yoongi nodded. He wasn't prepared for this, but honesty should be easy enough now that Jungkook held so much truth in his hands already and was treating it with such care.

'Was it curiosity or more than that? Back then?'

Jungkook's question came so quickly, Yoongi knew that it had to have been the first one that had come to his mind a minute ago, but that he had held back in favour of reassurance.

'It's not just curiosity now and it wasn't back then, either,' Yoongi told him. 'That's more how I felt about girls before I tried it and realised it's not the same. What I know is I'm not straight, and there's nothing ambiguous about how I feel about men.'

Jungkook didn't seem taken aback by his confession. He simply nodded, his eyes cast over the shimmering water of the canal once more as they walked.

'So you've had boyfriends?'

'No. There were boys, friends I messed around with, guys I met, but never anything I'd consider romantic.'

'Friends? Other idols?'

Again, Yoongi said, 'No. No one since debut, I already told you that.'

'I have to rethink everything you said. Maybe you only meant girls.'

Yoongi gave him that without commenting. He didn't really think that Jungkook would be that surprised anymore once he started to think on it. He had always been vague about pronouns, had never liked to speak in binaries. It was the one thing he could do to not entirely deny that part of himself.

'The girls you said you've been with,' Jungkook seemed to almost think out loud, 'They're real?'

Yoongi frowned.

'Of course they are. I never lied to you.'

'But was that what you wanted back then? Did you just not know yet?'

This one was more difficult to answer.

'I guess I always knew. Still, I at least thought I wanted it, or I wanted to want it. I'm glad I tried, but I can't say it wasn't underwhelming in many ways. Then again, maybe that was more the circumstances than the attraction part. I don't know. That part I'm not sure about. There hasn't been much time or chance to explore since I left Daegu, and everything that happened there was... complicated.'

'How so?'

'I was a mess,' Yoongi told him quietly. 'I was so confused, at least when I was really young, and I wasn't the most happy or balanced teenager. All my memories of that time feel so dark for no particular reason. The community I was a part of was just like that, full of people who were drawn to music for the same reasons as me. Everyone was struggling.'

'So you slept with girls to try and deny what you really wanted? Or were they like... another way of self-sabotage?'

Yoongi paused. Another way? He could only assume that Jungkook meant the painkillers and the drinking, the ways in which he had tumbled on the edge before between helping and numbing himself.

'I think it was an attempt at denial,' he decided after a moment, followed by a sigh. Jungkook was too smart for his own good. He should have known that he couldn't talk lightly about this with him. So he added, 'Also, I told you, it wasn't exactly something I pursued. I let it happen to me I guess. It stopped the rumours.'

'Rumours,' Jungkook repeated. There was that anger again that Yoongi hardly ever saw in him. 'Right. But now you play into them. With lines like taking guys to Hong Kong and all? I never thought you cared.'

'I'm sick of the denial. I don't think I could deny it if someone asked me about it to my face.'

'Then why haven't you ever told the others?'

'Why should I have?' Yoongi couldn't keep the resignation out of his voice. Or maybe the sadness. 'What does it matter? I knew when I came to Seoul that I'd have to shut that part of me away.'

'But it is a part of you. I'm not saying you owe anyone the truth, but don't you wish they knew all of you?'

All of him. The way Jungkook thought he did now. Only he didn't know what was eating away at him the most.

'It would be nice,' he granted. 'I guess.'

There had been times in which he had entertained the idea of telling the group. Of course there had been. Or at least he had wanted to tell Namjoon, maybe Hobi. When he had first come to Seoul and had spent night after night with Namjoon talking about music and their vision for the group and what had brought them to where they were, he had considered it. But he had been too worried that a confession like that would put a sudden halt to the fast track their growing friendship had been on then.

Years later, during Wings, when Namjoon had come to him with tears in his eyes, his back heavy from carrying the responsibilities of being the leader of a group on the verge of falling apart, he had again considered breaking all barriers between them down. After all, Namjoon had been the most vulnerable with him then. But there had been too much to figure out already, and Namjoon had said one time too many that he felt that he was in over his head.

All moments in which he could have given Namjoon the truth had passed without him seizing them and any new ones had made him worry that at that point, it was too late to say something without it begging the obvious question of why now. Namjoon could be thick, but at the same time he was observant, and the chances that he would put two and two together and start following Yoongi's gaze across the room towards their youngest had been and were still too high.

'I'm glad you told me,' Jungkook said again. They had almost reached the bridge now. 'Honestly.'

Still, Yoongi couldn't quite believe it. Jungkook knew. He would have to be so careful around him now, would have to make absolutely certain that he never got the wrong idea. Or the right one. It would be exhausting to be around him when he needed to hide his every glance at him twice as well as he had before. But at the same time, he already knew that it would also be even harder to stay away now. With Jungkook knowing, he was now the one person he could talk about things with that he could never say to the other members. He had singled him out in a way that would make him stand out even more so than he already had to Yoongi.

And as strange as it was, Yoongi ached to make use of it. It had been so, so long since he'd had a conversation about the parts he kept hidden about himself, and even back then, any acknowledgement had been brief and filled with shame. Half the time, the boys he had touched had been even more freaked out than he had been. They had been too young to really understand how to communicate their desires that weren't what they had expected growing up. For the first time since that had changed, since Yoongi had grown up and grown to understand himself, there was now someone who knew. Someone he could talk to.

'If you ever feel strange about it,' Yoongi made himself say, hesitantly, 'Will you let me know? I don't want us to change. I don't want you to think differently of me.'

It was the first lie he had ever told Jungkook, but it didn't really matter. There were parts about his friendship to Jungkook that he truly wanted to stay the same, and that was what he wanted him to hear.

'I won't feel weird about it,' Jungkook argued with his chin jerked up high. 'It's not weird. It doesn't make me want to be around you any less if that's what you're worried about. If anything, I kind of wish we were still rooming in pairs. We have so many things to talk about now.'

Yoongi choked a little bit on his laugh. Jungkook had always been idealistic, too determined, too loyal.

'You never sleep alone anyways,' he said. Next to him, Jungkook had taken out his phone and was working to figure out an angle in which to capture the row of houses by the canal along with the bikes and streetlights and flowers lining the pavements.

'I have quite a lot on this tour.'

He sounded a little distracted when he spoke, focused on his phone as he was.

'But you're sure you and Jimin-ah are okay? Or Taehyungie?'

As badly as Yoongi wanted to spill more secrets onto Jungkook, words that had been unsaid for years, he also felt relief at being able to change the subject. He still felt like their conversation had given him whiplash and knew it would probably stay that way until he'd had time to process by himself.

'We are,' Jungkook nodded. He leaned his forearms onto the railing of the bridge to take another picture. 'They're my best friends. They'll still be my best friends if we don't spend every single night together. I used to hate being by myself, that's why I crashed in their rooms all the time, but I no longer really feel that way.'

It was another sign of how Jungkook had grown. He still imitated Namjoon too much for Yoongi's liking, but he couldn't deny that overall, Jungkook had grown into his own personality over the years and knew how to speak his mind. During their debut years, and even during Wings, he had followed Jimin and Taehyung around liking what they liked and doing what they did. Now, he was watching hours of videography content on youtube and he was buying clothes online no one had ever imagined him wearing and he was listening to music that wasn't on the others' playlists. Now, he apparently slept by himself from time to time. Or stayed behind at the hotel even when the others went out.

Now, he often was with Yoongi instead.

...

Despite Jungkook being forced to sit out another show in Amsterdam and stay in his chair in the back, Yoongi walked off stage feeling satisfied with how the night had gone. At least Jungkook was now able to stand up from time to time and join them on the thrust stage even if he couldn't do the actual choreos just yet. He was starting to get impatient and talked about getting his stitches removed in a few days every time Yoongi walked past him that night.

Still, he smiled widely at Yoongi as they took their post-show picture backstage, and Yoongi felt his hand on his lower back, holding on to him a little more tightly than he would have before. So far, Jungkook had stayed true to his word and had made sure that nothing between them felt like it was changing. He didn't awkwardly shy away from Yoongi's touch, he didn't question Yoongi's interactions with their physio when he watched as Yoongi's shoulder was taped once more, and he didn't seem to think twice about it when he pulled his shirt up over his head backstage to change. It was one of the things that Yoongi had been the most worried about, that Jungkook would overthink what he had learned in ways that would make him uncomfortable.

But Jungkook remained by his side unwaveringly. And Yoongi lay awake at night thinking about it. He should be thankful for how accepting Jungkook had grown up to be, and of course he was, yet there was something deep inside of Yoongi that mulled over Jungkook's very first reaction to his confession. That doesn't change anything. For months, Yoongi had stomped down on his every hopeful thought of Jungkook with the number one argument that Jungkook didn't even know that kissing Yoongi was within the realm of possibility. In Jungkook's world, Yoongi hadn't existed as an option until now that he did, and still Jungkook had no interest in exploring that option. It was a truth that Yoongi was surprised to find painful.

For Jungkook, nothing was going to change because even if Yoongi had bared his soul to him, Jungkook still wanted to find a girl to kiss and to date and to marry. Jungkook didn't look at him any differently now that he knew because for Jungkook it really didn't make a difference who Yoongi was interested in.

And still, even though there was no tangible change, Jungkook felt closer to him than ever before. It was on the plane to Paris that Yoongi realised how often he fell into his habit of glancing at Jungkook without even thinking about it, and how often Jungkook was looking right back at him. He had spent months being able to study Jungkook from afar, taking careful note of him in quiet moments in which he wasn't even aware of being watched, when suddenly he was met with his returning tired smile or excited gaze more often than not.

'I can't believe we're performing for the president,' he gushed as they got out of the car and walked towards the venue where the France Korea friendship concert they had been invited to attend would be held. 'I wish I could dance.'

'He'll like you just the same,' Yoongi yawned. He was tired again, had needed a painkiller after their Amsterdam show, but hadn't found sleep despite the side effects that drained him. His thoughts of the conversation by the canal had occupied his mind for hours until the early morning.

'I don't need him to like me, I need him to be impressed by us.'

'And we're not impressive enough without you at our centre?'

Jungkook bumped into him on purpose, then threw an arm around him lazily. Yoongi immediately felt him rest his weight on his back and he slowed down so as not to stumble.

'Not enough,' Jungkook grinned right by his ear. Of course neither of them was being serious, but there was no other way of dealing with Jungkook's injury than to make light of it.

'Hey,' Yoongi complained when Jungkook seemed to become even heavier on his back. 'You can walk.'

'Hurts,' Jungkook said simply, a blatant lie.

Still, Yoongi let him rest the bulk of his weight on him as they walked. He didn't even feel self-conscious about their closeness when they reached the green room where most of the other members had already gathered. By now, they had stopped commenting on it every time they saw Jungkook right on Yoongi's heels. It had been this way for weeks now and had stopped being particularly interesting to them, even when Yoongi still couldn't wrap either his head or his heart around it. It was difficult to say whether the attention that Jungkook gave him really had increased by as much as Yoongi thought, or if it was his own bias of being focused on Jungkook too much for his own good that made him feel that way.

Their performance that night went smoothly, but Yoongi felt so tired the moment he walked off stage that he began to wonder whether he'd be able to sleep on the plane to Berlin they would board in a few hours. The flights in Europe were short, yet annoying for their frequency and late hours. He was contemplating doubling his dose of painkillers to knock himself out for a couple of hours on the plane, but hadn't come to a decision yet when he was distracted by Jungkook's voice that held a familiar awe.

'You're so good at this, Hyung. I want you to teach me more English.'

Of course it was Namjoon he was looking at as he spoke. It was Namjoon who had just had a lengthy English conversation backstage with the organisers of the event. He was still in his stage outfit, still working, while Yoongi was already undoing his shoe laces and the buttons of his shirt at the same time. He wanted to get out of his suit after wearing it for too long earlier while shaking hands with too many people and smiling too much.

'I'll teach you,' Namjoon said easily, in perfect English, making Jungkook smile widely in exactly that same way that Yoongi himself was getting used to. It was the smile he gave him whenever they talked about producing and Jungkook learned something new he hadn't known before. It was that same use of Hyung, that same tone of fascination.

It shouldn't have bothered Yoongi, but for some reason the ugly, bitter part in him that couldn't help but see Namjoon as ungrateful for Jungkook's affection rose up inside him once more. The ease with which Namjoon took his adoration ate away at Yoongi not only because he himself didn't possess such dignity, but also because Namjoon wouldn't have cared any other way. He didn't need Jungkook's reassurance and affection while Yoongi was lying when he told himself that it didn't matter to him either.

He was so busy being moody, gloomy, tired, that he didn't even register it at first when Jungkook slid into the seat next to him on the plane once more and immediately leaned his head against his shoulder this time. Jungkook began to lightly snore before they had taken off, and Yoongi felt his own eyelids grow heavy.

Across the isle from him sat Jimin, watching them both with a tired smile on his face.

'I don't know how I deserve this.'

Yoongi heard himself speak before he could think about what he was saying, looking down at the softness of Jungkook's brown hair that seemed darker in the low light of the plane.

'Kook-ah?' Jimin grinned. 'You obviously did right by him, that's how.'

There was nothing Yoongi could say to that without arguing, so he didn't. He closed his eyes for a moment when he felt the plane starting to roll down the runway.

'You know, you're the only one who hasn't asked me whether Kookie and I are fighting.'

Yoongi opened his eyes again. Jimin was still looking at him, a slightly wondrous look now on his face.

'I believe him when he says you're not.'

Inexplicably, the smile on Jimin's face grew wider.

'See. No need to roll your eyes when I say you're good to him.'

Yoongi fought to do just that and had to bite down on the inside of his lip to keep the annoyance off of his face.

'Are you fighting?'

It was deliberate, and it made Jimin laugh before he fell into a yawn and settled deeper into his seat. The plane came off the ground a little shakily.

'No. We're just finding a new distance to each other I guess. He needs more time to himself than he used to. And touring is exhausting.'

It was exactly what Jungkook had said, and nothing about it felt wrong except that Yoongi wasn't sure how aware Jimin was of how often Jungkook found his way to Yoongi's room these nights and how he wasn't by himself all that often at all. He decided not to dwell on it, but to close his eyes and allow himself to let his head rest on top of Jungkook's for the duration of the flight.

...

In Berlin, the message reached them that their contract had officially been renewed. It had been a long time coming and yet it felt monumental to have their decision fixed on paper. After months of meetings with and without management earlier this year, Yoongi knew that they were all anxious to move on from the uncertainty. The relief of having come to a decision they all agreed on and felt good about was freeing, and it brought them to the hotel bar once more where management and staff left them to themselves.

It was Namjoon who was bullied into saying a few words while he raised his glass, but Hobi who unexpectedly started to wipe at his eyes. It was his barely held back tears that made them fall into stories of how uncertain they had been at times, about the group and the path they were on, until they realised all over again that they were on the other side of the world, playing shows at a scope they had never imagined. Despite how tired they all were from the impressions of the last few days, they were in Berlin, they were with each other, and they were happier than they had imagined they could be on this tour when they had talked about it in the beginning of the year.

Together, they emptied bottle after bottle of what was first champagne and then beer, and with each sip and each glance at how happy the members were, Yoongi found himself relaxing into a less moody version of himself once more. He didn't know what it was that caused him to lock up the way he did sometimes, and that made him ponder over any upsetting thought his brain provided him with at the time, but it was unfailingly the group that managed to pull him out of it again and again.

'Jungkookie,' he found himself saying once Jin and Hobi had already gotten up to head to bed, Namjoon was about to do the same, and Jimin and Taehyung were trying to make conversation with the German bartender that had caught their eye and that entertained their attempts at English in hopes of a good tip. He was aching to get a moment alone with Jungkook before they would part for the night. 'Come up to the rooftop with me?'

Jungkook was on his feet before Yoongi could hesitate. His cheeks were a little flushed from drinking, his lips shiny, his eyes just slightly dazed, but Yoongi had watched him for a while and knew he couldn't be anywhere near properly drunk. He followed him towards the elevators easily while Yoongi told him, 'There's a terrace up there, I saw it earlier. You should take a few pictures.'

Jungkook nodded eagerly.

'I'll take some of the city tomorrow as well. Do you have any plans?'

They had a day off in Berlin before their two back to back shows at the Mercedes Benz Arena after which they would head straight back to Paris.

'Maybe hit an electronics store,' Yoongi shrugged. 'There's some stuff I want to buy abroad that I can't get back in Seoul.'

'Predictable,' Jungkook grinned, to which Yoongi only nodded.

'Sure. I also have a few calls planned with producers at home. We have about three weeks to work, so I want to make the most of it.'

'I can't believe we're going back to Seoul already in a few days.'

'I know.'

'Are you ready?'

'Some.' Yoongi slammed his hand onto the elevator button once more. 'I'm excited for my own bed and to not have to be on a plane for a while. But I'm not ready to stop performing.'

'Me neither,' Jungkook hummed. 'I'll probably get my stitches out right in time for the Paris shows and then that's it for now. I don't want to take a break right when I can dance again.'

'It'll be good for your foot to properly heal.'

The elevator finally reached the ground floor and Yoongi let Jungkook get in first, then pressed the button that indicated the rooftop terrace.

'And your shoulder,' Jungkook noted. 'I heard it bothered you in Amsterdam.'

'It's just getting a bit much,' Yoongi hated to admit. 'It's not just the shows, but all the traveling and the lack of a real work out routine.'

'Oh. You wanna hit the gym in the morning? Midday?'

Yoongi thought. It was an off day and despite what he had just told Jungkook, he was looking forward to catching up on sleep and rotting away in his room rather than busying himself. Still, he somehow hummed in agreement. It really would be good for his shoulder to get some exercise in.

'Jimin Hyung's also aching all over. Both his shoulder and his knee.'

Yoongi nodded. 'Jin Hyung, too. Seoul will be good, huh?'

'I guess.'

The elevator came to a halt and once the doors opened, a surprisingly cold breeze hit Yoongi's face. London had been cold, but then Amsterdam and Paris had gifted them with a few days of sunshine that Berlin was now making up for by being gloomy and freezing. Next to him, Jungkook zipped up his jacket, but looked around excitedly.

'This is so cool!'

He motioned towards the railing beyond which the city lights lit up the night. Far in the distance, Yoongi could see the TV Tower that Jungkook zoomed in on with his phone camera once Yoongi pointed it out to him. Yoongi stood next to him for a moment and watched him try and get the perfect angle of the night skyline, but then turned to find himself a deck chair whose fabric moved heavily in the wind. There was a bar that was closed, parasols that weren't in use, and deck chairs that the wind seemed to have blown all over the roof as they hadn't been secured.

It didn't take long for Jungkook to join him with a sigh as he sat down himself, one chair over.

'I like cold weather,' he said. 'This is nice.'

Yoongi considered this for a moment, then said, 'True. I wouldn't mind a bit of sun, but I prefer the cold, too.'

'I know you do.'

There was something in the way that he said it that sounded proud, and it made Yoongi smile to himself. A look to the side showed him that Jungkook was squinting up at the night sky with his head leaned back and he followed his gaze. The stars weren't as bright and clear as Yoongi had seen them in other, less urban places, but he could see a few airplanes as well as the moon that was nearly full.

'It's pretty,' he mumbled.

'It is.'

For a while, neither of them said anything. They were both looking up, and Yoongi found himself wondering when he had last studied the moon like this in Seoul. He spent too little time outside in general, and when he did, it was usually a rushed walk towards a store or some other place he had to run an errand to. Ever since it had become impossible to step outside without being stared at, Yoongi had pretty much stopped doing so completely.

'What are you thinking about?'

Jungkook's voice was quiet, a little slurred, the way he spoke whenever he was tired or relaxed.

'How things changed? Between debut and now.'

'In a good way?'

'Mostly.'

Jungkook only hummed. He let one of his knees fall to the side where it was almost close enough to touch Yoongi's.

'I still think about Amsterdam.'

Of course he was. It came as no surprise to Yoongi that he brought it up again. It had been too big of a secret for Jungkook not to want to talk about it again, and so he only nodded, even when Jungkook couldn't see it unless he tilted his head to the side.

'When you told me,' Jungkook said, his voice low, 'You were terrified. I hate that you were.'

There was something instantly vulnerable that crept up Yoongi's spine. Namjoon knew him, Namjoon stripped down most of his pretences with words, but to have Jungkook confront him like this felt different. More intimate somehow. He wasn't used to it from him.

'Not because of you.'

'I know.' It was easy, the way he said it. 'I still hate it. It shouldn't be something that terrifies you. It's a simple truth.'

Yoongi couldn't help but let out a low laugh.

'Nothing about it is simple.'

'It should be.'

'Yes.'

'You should be allowed to feel whatever you feel.'

There was that anger again, upsetting Jungkook's voice.

'I am. I'm not allowed to show it, but neither are you, loving girls.'

Jungkook let out a sound somewhere between a laugh and a huff.

'You know there's no girl to love.'

'A guy?'

Yoongi meant for it to be teasing, meant for it to make that anger and tension in Jungkook's voice disappear, but all he got was silence. He turned his head to the sight of Jungkook staring up at the night sky unchanged. Slowly, he stretched his knee further to the side to make it hit Jungkook's gently.

'No guy, either.'

He didn't sound uncertain, but something about his tone made Yoongi's heart skip a beat while his chest tensed up with sudden anticipation.

'But you think there could be?'

It was a futile, hopeless question, and still Jungkook's silence was too heavy not to ask it.

'I'm not allowed to, right?'

Yoongi frowned.

'What?'

Next to him, Jungkook let out a sigh, one that sounded like he had held it in ever since Yoongi had first made this conversation about him.

'The moment I talked about being interested, it would all be about Namjoon Hyung.'

Yoongi had no chance to fully process his words. It was useless to even try.

'Stop being cryptic,' was all he could say.

This time, when Jungkook sighed, it was more of a groan, but Yoongi could also see the hint of a smile on his profile. To Jungkook, this wasn't as scary, as charged, as the same conversation had been to Yoongi.

'The guys,' he clarified. 'I'm crazy in love with Hyung, remember? If I said anything at all about being curious, it would stop being a joke.'

'Why would you say that though?'

Jungkook was quiet once more while Yoongi's mind was reeling.

'Kook-ah,' he nearly whispered, his words carried away by the wind so that he wondered whether Jungkook could even hear them. 'Are you coming out to me?'

Slowly, Jungkook shook his head. Yoongi couldn't take his eyes off of him.

'I'm not,' he said. 'But it also doesn't weird me out. It's a bit like what you said about there not being any time to experiment. How would I really know what I like?'

'You wouldn't.'

Yoongi didn't like how unnaturally thin his voice was, but he couldn't help it. His mind was suddenly full of images again, of Jungkook experimenting, Jungkook kissing guys, Jungkook liking it. He made himself take a deep breath. This conversation was larger than his stupid desire.

'I guess there's many people that don't have this curiosity though. The fact that you do... Well, maybe don't ignore it.'

It wasn't selfish advise, even when he didn't mean for it to be. None of this had anything to do with him. When Jungkook didn't say anything in response, he took another deep breath and added, 'Namjoon-ah though. You're not curious about him in particular?'

'No.' Jungkook's response came easily, so easily that he followed it up by a small laugh. Yoongi watched him lean his head back further as he kept staring up at the sky. 'There's not a single part about him that I don't love, but I'm not in love with him. I'm not confused about him if that's what you mean.'

If he were, how cruel would it have been for all of them to play into the joke the way they had for years. It had been too easy not to when Jungkook had been too intimidated to even speak to Namjoon for so long, had stared and stared, so full of silent admiration. Yoongi remembered how Namjoon had told him about his first meeting with Jungkook right after he had entered their dorm, how he had recounted with half a frown, half a smile, that Jungkook had known nothing to say except for thighs. Jungkook had hidden from him for days after that. If those boyish feelings of fascination and respect were truly more, Yoongi felt sure that at least Jimin would know about it. And Jimin would have known when to stop joking.

'Were you ever confused?' Yoongi asked. 'Back when you met him? Or about anyone else in particular?'

This time, Jungkook took longer to shake his head.

'I don't think so. Not really. There's a difference between finding someone objectively attractive and wanting to sleep with them, right?'

Yoongi nodded. He had wished more than once that Jungkook would merely fall into the first category.

'Namjoon Hyung...' Jungkook continued, a fond smile now on his face, 'He's special to me, maybe he's part of the reason why I know I'm not disinterested, okay, but I've never seriously thought about him that way. I promise. I can differentiate between appreciation and attraction. Or even more.'

Not disinterested. Yoongi's heart was still racing, but he didn't know whether it was excitement or something more daunting.

'You don't have to promise,' he mumbled. 'You don't have to convince me.'

'I know,' Jungkook smiled again. 'I heard what you said to Jimin Hyung on the plane. That you believe me about us not fighting.'

For a moment, Yoongi closed his eyes. He hadn't meant for Jungkook to be a part of that conversation.

'You were snoring,' he tried, but Jungkook already continued, speaking over him, 'You don't know how you deserve me?' he scoffed. 'Honestly, Hyung. That's sad.'

'You were snoring,' he said again, louder this time. Then he cleared his throat.

'My nose gets stuffy with the dry air on the plane. I wasn't sleeping.'

'Whatever.'

Jungkook's knee pressed more tightly against his.

'Hyung,' he said. 'This is my favourite tour so far.'

His words felt too heavy. Too out of context for them to refer to shows and crowds. There was only one thing it could mean, and there was only one thing it meant for Yoongi when he said, 'Mine, too.'

He felt a stupid, but insistent urge to reach for Jungkook's hand. It wasn't like he had never held it before, for multiple reasons, mostly on camera, but right now it wouldn't be one of them. It would be entirely new and too honest and too much. So he dug his fingers into the sleeve of his sweater instead and concentrated hard on where their knees touched. He wanted to move in closer, press their thighs together, rest his head against Jungkook's shoulder the way he so easily did to him. But he stayed where he was.

They stayed on the rooftop for a long time, much longer than Yoongi had initially anticipated when he had asked Jungkook to come with him. It had been an attempt to sneak away with him for a moment, to have his smile and his thoughts and his presence to himself for a few minutes no matter how selfish and wrong it was. But the hours passed in which they lay on their backs and watched the night sky, and Yoongi didn't feel the urge to return downstairs.

It was getting cold, the wind was biting at his face, and he was so tired by now that just the thought of moving his body felt like too much, yet he couldn't bring himself to say anything about going to bed. He felt comfortable where he was, with Jungkook having scooted a little closer to him when he had shown him the pictures he had taken. Jungkook had his eyes closed and his hood drawn into his face, and so Yoongi closed his own in return and let sleep overcome him for a while.

He was woken up by something touching his face so gently that it made his nose twitch. As he came to, he heard Jungkook's soft laugh.

'Hyung, let's go inside. We're gonna freeze.'

Yoongi only hummed.

'We'll see the sunrise if we stay much longer.'

Jungkook didn't sound concerned, but rather observant. It was his fingers tracing lines over his cheekbones and jaw, Yoongi realised. When he opened one eye, he saw that Jungkook had sat up and was now facing him, his right hand extended to touch him.

'Too tired,' Yoongi mumbled. It was a mistake he realised straight away, when Jungkook stood up with a playful grin on his face. His hands wrapped around and under Yoongi's body which properly woke him up in an instant. He was lifted off of the deck chair with minimal stumbling from Jungkook whom he clung to desperately.

'What the fuck,' Yoongi cursed as he tried to free himself from Jungkook's embrace. Jungkook laughed, fought him for a minute, made both of them stumble and almost fall, then allowed Yoongi's feet to touch the ground.

'I hate you,' Yoongi groaned half heartedly. Jungkook was probably right about them freezing. It had gotten colder and Yoongi's entire body felt stiff. He moved towards the door that would take them to the elevator, shivering now. Behind him Jungkook followed close, his body pressing up against his by the door where he wrapped his arms around him once more and buried his face in his neck.

'Hyung,' he grinned, his breath warming up Yoongi's skin. 'Will you let me sleep with you?'

It wasn't a strange question to ask, Yoongi had to tell himself multiple times. It wasn't strange that Jungkook was being touchy and affectionate like this. He went back and forth between shoving the members off of him in true Namjoon fashion and letting them smother him with hugs and playful cuddles. Jungkook was like this. The only times that he wasn't was when he had spent too much time making heart eyes at Namjoon. Jungkook didn't like to sleep alone.

'Sure,' Yoongi gave in with a sigh. Another part of the wall he had built around his feelings for Jungkook seemed to crumble. He was so tired of upholding it. Of always being careful, never taking a step too close to him, keeping his hands to himself, not allowing Jungkook into his personal space when he so naturally lived in that of the other members. Maybe Yoongi could learn how to deal with this. Could learn how to hold Jungkook close from time to time without wanting anything more from him.

Jungkook followed him to his room without even making a detour to his own. He didn't seem to think about it when he stripped down by the foot of the bed until he was only in black boxer briefs Yoongi had seen him in so many times before. He still averted his gaze, not only for his own sake, but for Jungkook's own. Would Jungkook feel quite so relaxed and confident around him if he knew the thoughts that Yoongi had about him? If he knew how hard it was for Yoongi not to study him, to let his eyes wander lower, to finally allow himself to properly take in the sight of Jungkook like this?

Yoongi closed the door to the bathroom behind him and took longer than he needed to brush his teeth. Jungkook knocked when he spat into the sink only to steal some toothpaste to suck on. He usually brushed his teeth three times a day. He went on and on about how he craved it after only a few hours.

'Gross,' Yoongi commented, but Jungkook only yawned. He walked away towards the bed and Yoongi's eyes lingered on his back for too long. He could never quite decide whether Jungkook deserved the description of muscular or broad just yet, but he was getting there. What he no longer looked like was fifteen and gangly. He had been so shy and self-conscious about his own body then, which he also wasn't now. Yoongi hadn't looked at him twice back then. Now, it was hard not to study the way his shoulder blades moved when he stretched to reach the blanket.

Yoongi kept his shirt on when he went to bed for reasons he couldn't really name. He didn't care what Jungkook saw, he'd seen it all before, but something about stripping down felt too vulnerable to do. He lay in bed, listening to Jungkook humming softly to himself as he checked his phone one last time before placing it onto the nightstand, stealing Yoongi's charger.

Yoongi was too weak, too tired to fight the thoughts about reaching out to Jungkook and kissing him goodnight. With how close he was to Jimin and Taehyung, how strange would it really be to place a soft kiss to his lips before falling asleep? Just once? Was it even something that would faze him much?

But of course it would. Maybe things would have been slightly different before Amsterdam, but Jungkook would know what it meant the moment Yoongi's lips touched his. He'd probably realise it without ever having spoken to Yoongi about it. It was really only a matter of time until he realised that Yoongi's glances and touches and words to him were filled with more than friendly affection.

At the thought, panic rose up from deep inside of him. Yoongi shoved it away harshly and shifted so that he was facing further away from Jungkook. In his back, Jungkook moved with him, his body pressing a little closer. He wasn't holding on to him the way Yoongi had seen him do it with Jimin before, in crammed backstage areas or at the dorm, but he was laying close as his breathing slowly evened out. All Yoongi could think about was what he had said up on the rooftop only a few hours ago.

He was curious. It shouldn't surprise Yoongi quite as much. Jungkook was easily excitable. He was wide eyed, awed, about too many things that the other members didn't think twice about. There were few things he wasn't willing to try. It didn't change anything. It wasn't real. Most of all, it wasn't personal, had nothing to do with Yoongi. And yet it was hard not to imagine it. All those truths Yoongi had believed in before this tour, all those absolutes about why he and Jungkook would never share more than friendship were suddenly not as set in stone anymore.

It drove Yoongi crazy to know that they were closer to a possibility than they had ever been before, yet still so far away from it. The reasons that kept them apart had simply changed from fundamental ones to more personal ones. Jungkook might be curious, but he still wasn't interested in Yoongi. His friend.

At his waist, he felt Jungkook's sleepy fingers grab his shirt to hold on to. His wrist rested easily on Yoongi's lower back as he tugged at the fabric as if to make sure Yoongi wouldn't ever leave.

Chapter Text

Yoongi woke before Jungkook did and moved to the little desk where his laptop sat, making as little noise as possible. He had planned to work on the songs he already had, the lyrics he was supposed to match to music, but instead he ended up writing something new. With his eyes on Jungkook, asleep in his bed, shirtless, his hair a mess, his cheeks adorably flushed and puffy, it was easy to find motivation. He had written too many sad songs about him in the past, lyrics about guilt and shame and trying to rip his own feelings out of his chest, but they had never seen the light of day. He shut them away in locked files on his laptop.

That morning, he allowed himself a moment of weakness in which he wrote about Jungkook and shoved away all the darkness that usually came with pondering over him. There were few songs of his that were bright, but there wasn't much else he could write with Jungkook looking so peaceful and at ease.

When Jungkook woke around noon, he stretched, sat up with his legs crossed, the blanket pooling in his lap, and mumbled about coffee and breakfast. It was impossible for Yoongi not to imagine a life like this, in Seoul, in which Jungkook was his to adore without having to feel guilty about it. Instead, he had to avert his gaze once more and gave in to Jungkook's begging to play him a song.

It took a long time for them to muster up the energy, but after breakfast which they had sitting on the bed talking about their upcoming return to Seoul some more, they made their way down to the gym. Yoongi kept expecting Jungkook to text the others, to ask at least Jimin or Taehyung to join them, but he never even touched his phone. Yoongi himself shamefully ignored messages from both Namjoon and Hobi asking how he would spend his day off. It was still so rare to spend uninterrupted time alone with Jungkook, and it felt too precious for him to want to change anything about it.

Even if it meant suffering through an hour of watching Jungkook pant and moan as sweat made his grey shirt stick to his chest and glistened on his forehead where damp bangs were glued to his skin. They started off on the treadmills together, but Jungkook soon left Yoongi in favour of doing strength exercises right in his line of sight, commenting on this and that, and keeping Yoongi entertained.

It was when Yoongi had found himself equipment to help stretch his shoulders when they were joined by a group of young men speaking loudly in German. Yoongi bit his lip to hide his amusement as he watched Jungkook's demeanour change in an instant. It was easy to forget sometimes how shy he still got around strangers, and how nervous it made him to be surrounded by people that weren't the members or staff. Jungkook quieted down once they were no longer alone and instead focused on his exercises with renewed energy.

Yoongi let his gaze wander as he leaned into his stretch. One of the men who had joined them had built up an impressive speed on one of the exercise bikes. He reminded Yoongi of Namjoon, with how he was the most serious of his group of friends and had headed straight for the bike as if it were an old friend. Lost in thought, Yoongi found himself sorting through distant memories in his head, him and Namjoon cycling at Han River like they had a few times back in the day.

How would Namjoon react if he told him what he had told Jungkook at the canal? How would he react if he talked about all that time he and Jungkook were suddenly spending alone with each other, about all those feelings that Yoongi had about it, all the good and all the bad? Would any of it surprise him? What about what Jungkook had said, about his curiosity? Would Namjoon be a leader about it and lecture them both about being careful, or would he tell Jungkook to enjoy being young and go and explore?

Yoongi turned his head to the side for another stretch which brought Jungkook back into his line of sight where he was frozen with a water bottle halfway lifted to his mouth. He had his eyes on him and an amused, yet slightly uncertain smile on his face. When Yoongi met his gaze Jungkook raised an eyebrow at him slowly, then let his eyes flicker over to the guy on the bike that Yoongi had zoned out watching.

'What?' Yoongi mouthed, but Jungkook's eyebrow only rose higher. Then he shook his head a little, pushed his sweaty bangs out of his face, and started to take deep swigs from his water bottle. He looked back over to the bike, and with a sudden wave of disbelief, Yoongi got it.

Did Jungkook think he had been staring? Did he think he was interested? How, Yoongi thought, would he ever look at anyone else when Jungkook was right here, looking so goddamn attractive that Yoongi had trouble keeping his breathing steady every time he cast a glance at him?

He made a face at him, making him laugh and spit out some water.

'Shut up,' Yoongi said, the Korean being an easy shield from the strangers.

Jungkook grinned. 'I didn't say anything.'

'Keep it that way.'

'Am I interrupting your daydreams?'

Yoongi rolled his eyes at him.

'I swear to God,' he started, then paused. 'You think he's attractive?'

It was genuine curiosity that made him ask, regardless of how rude it was to be talking about other people in the room in a language they didn't speak. At least Yoongi hoped they didn't.

'What?' Jungkook sputtered. He kept his eyes on Yoongi with a little too much effort. 'No. I don't know?'

'You do know,' Yoongi muttered, then reached for Jungkook's water bottle. He hadn't brought his own. 'Maybe it feels different than it does with girls because you're conditioned to recognise one kind of attraction and not the other, but you know.'

He could practically watch Jungkook think. Consider this. He slowly nodded as Yoongi took a sip of water.

'How did you first recognise it?'

Yoongi shrugged.

'The voices yelling at me in my head were loud. Maybe louder than yours.'

'They're plenty loud,' Jungkook smiled softly, a little embarrassed maybe. 'Only they're more confused than yours I think.'

Yoongi nodded. He lowered the band he had used to stretch his shoulder, giving up on the effort.

'It was like that for me, too. At least a little, and I was way younger. It's just been so long, it's no longer overwhelming.'

Jungkook cast a glance over to the bike where the guy they were rudely talking about was falling into a sprint.

'I don't think I'm into him,' Jungkook mumbled. 'Any of them. It's not like that.'

Yoongi shrugged.

'I'm not, either.'

'No?'

'No, Kook-ah. I like guys, I don't like every guy I see.'

'What do you like in them?'

Yoongi reached for the bottle again right when Jungkook was about to take it back. His face suddenly felt warm, and not only because he was sweating.

'Do you realise I never talked about these things with anyone before?' he mumbled. 'It's strange.'

'Sorry.'

'Strange, not bad.'

Especially not when Jungkook was admitting so much about himself, was not only asking endless questions about Yoongi, but sharing things he might not have even shared with Jimin in the past. Yoongi wanted him to keep talking, to keep being curious, and so he forced himself to think, even though there was no simple answer to the question Jungkook had posed.

'I'll think of a good answer for you,' he said when there was nothing he could easily put into words.

Anything he could think of saying was a perfect description of Jungkook himself. It was every single thing about him, physical and personal, that together made Yoongi's heart ache every time he looked at him and realised he couldn't simply reach out for him and mean it the way he wanted to mean it. Little of it had to do simply with Jungkook being a guy, but with Jungkook being Jungkook. The more explicit fantasies that he had about him that very much required him to be a guy were not something he was about to share with him in a public gym.

'What are you doing after this?' he asked instead. 'Taking more pictures?'

Jungkook shrugged.

'I thought I'd grab something to eat with the camera crew. Not everyone's, just mine. It's weird not to know them at all.'

Over the last few days, or maybe even weeks, Yoongi had become progressively more aggravated by the fact that they were constantly followed. It was one of the reasons why he hardly left his hotel room when he didn't have to. Every time he did, there was someone there, following him every step of the way to capture material for the documentary as if the endless footage backstage before and after shows as well as the interviews he had already given weren't enough.

Sometimes he imagined a documentary made up only of clips that showed him gazing dreamingly at Jungkook in more or less innocent ways. The editing team at work would save him, but the reality was nothing other than that. He had his eyes on Jungkook too often, was too focused on him, and it was only getting worse now that Jungkook graced him with his presence so much more often than before and started to glance back at him. It only added to Yoongi's irritation with the cameras.

'I'm looking forward to Seoul for that alone,' he realised. 'A few weeks of not being followed.'

'They follow you? Mine never do. Not once we're back at the hotel or when I ask them not to.'

'I guess,' Yoongi muttered. The thought of the cameras alone made him feel moody even when Jungkook was right about the crew being respectful enough. 'I just hate having to be aware of them. I don't like the grey areas. I want it to be work and no work, but the documentary blurs the lines.'

'That's true,' Jungkook nodded. He got up, then tortured Yoongi by lifting the hem of his shirt to his face to quickly run it over it. His belly was slightly glistening, too, his skin so taut and soft. No matter how often Yoongi saw it backstage, it never failed to amaze him.

'Does it feel like pretend?' Jungkook asked as he looked down at Yoongi. 'Your life being captured when you can't be honest about such a big part of it?'

Yoongi was about to nod, but then he thought.

'I don't know,' he said instead. 'It used to bother me. Now, I guess I got used to it. It's not like I would make out with guys backstage if it wasn't a secret. It wouldn't change much, would it? It would still be my private life.'

The smile on Jungkook's face was devastatingly handsome when he said, 'Making out with people backstage is my thing now.'

Yoongi rolled his eyes at him simply because he knew that was the reaction that Jungkook was expecting. It still made Yoongi feel a strange mixture of intrigue, anger, and something terrifyingly close to jealousy whenever he remembered the sight of Jungkook and that girl up against a wall. His body wanted to both like the image and hate it.

'I still can't believe you of all people ended up in that situation,' Yoongi huffed and finally got up from the floor. It seemed like Jungkook was ready to leave, and so he was going to follow his example.

'Me of all people?'

'Yeah,' Yoongi nodded without the explanation that Jungkook clearly wanted.

'I'm not a child, Hyung.'

For a moment, Yoongi froze. The tone in Jungkook's voice was a little too cold, a little too hurt.

'No,' he shook his head. 'I know. That's not what I meant.'

Jungkook gave him a doubtful look and so Yoongi pressed his shoulder against his when he passed by him to head towards the double doors of the gym.

'Really. It's just because you get shy around strangers and you don't seem to be a fan of casual intimacy. You like romance, no?'

Jungkook was now behind him and so Yoongi only saw him shrug from the corner of his eye. He was quiet until Yoongi turned to look at him over his shoulder.

'I guess,' he admitted with a sigh. 'I sometimes wish I didn't.'

'What's wrong with it? Honestly, in our line of work being casual isn't really that easy, so you should be glad you don't crave it.'

'Crave it?' The smile was back in Jungkook's voice and Yoongi was glad for it. 'But I do still want things, Hyung.'

He was too close when he spoke. Maybe Yoongi shouldn't have stopped by the door the way he had, only for a second to make Jungkook catch up with him. It brought him right up against his back, made his voice sound more intimate, more honest, with how the words were muttered right by Yoongi's ear. Jungkook's body heat crept up Yoongi's back. He suppressed a shudder with barely any success.

'There's nothing wrong with that, either,' he only just managed. His own voice was too low, the way it got when he felt uncertain.

For a moment, it felt like Jungkook was breathing him in. Was nearly nuzzling his hair, maybe his neck. Yoongi pushed the door open and took a step forward into the hallway a little too abruptly. When they parted a few floors up a moment later to take their respective showers, his heart was still beating too hard.

...

For the first time, Yoongi almost wished Jungkook would fall into another one of his phases in which Namjoon hung the moon up in the sky and was worth imitating. It had always infuriated Yoongi, but it was almost more unbearable to deal with the way that Jungkook was starting to invade his personal space as if it were the most normal thing in the world, so unlike the way Namjoon acted. Being physically affectionate was a side of Jungkook he didn't always show, a side that he was clearly still growing into, and so shoving him off was simply not an option, no matter how badly Yoongi might want to.

At the same time, he ached for Jungkook to be close to him more than ever before. Every one of Jungkook's touches burned him, then left him too cold afterwards. He had no way of saying no when a day after their gym session, Jungkook, sat behind him, scooted closer to him on the couch backstage and placed both of his hands on his shoulders.

'You're in pain,' he noted. He dug one of his thumbs into a muscle right by his neck and Yoongi couldn't help but let out a low moan at the instant relief. There was no denying that his shoulder was bothering him, despite the constant treatments. They had gone for too long without a more extensive break in between performances. Of course there were things that made Yoongi want to remain on tour, but his shoulder wasn't one of them.

'You don't have to,' he tried, but Jungkook was already running his fingers down to his right shoulder and started to knead out the pain. It was an imitation of what he had seen their physio do, Yoongi realised it at once, and while it wasn't as professional, it helped more than Yoongi would have thought.

They weren't alone. Namjoon was standing by the door speaking to two members of the venue staff in English, Hobi, Jin, and Taehyung were raiding the buffet that had been offered to them right after the show, and Jimin was sat in an armchair scrolling on his phone. There was management staff around, too, and three members of the film crew that were currently eating, too. Still, Yoongi closed his eyes for a moment when Jungkook's fingers found just the right spot to dig into.

'There,' he sighed, as quietly as he could, and Jungkook listened well, put on more pressure, made him fall apart under his touch.

'Should do this properly,' he heard Jungkook say. He sounded a little distracted, or maybe the opposite, focused.

Yoongi opened his eyes again. The very last thing he could allow the two of them to do was to have a massage session in one of their hotel rooms. There was no way in hell that he would walk away from it with his dignity intact. So he said nothing and instead started to think about how much longer he could tolerate the way that Jungkook was touching him. A few more seconds. No more than a minute. He'd count to one hundred.

Behind him, Jungkook shifted on the couch. Yoongi could feel his knee press into his lower back. He had come closer, was clearly feeling none of the trepidation that Yoongi was. It was impressive, really, how much Jungkook had apparently meant it when he had said that nothing would change between them. That it didn't make a difference to him who Yoongi liked. If anything, he only seemed even more comfortable around Yoongi than before.

It made no sense. None of it. Least of all how incredible it felt to have Jungkook touch him like this even when his whole body had gone somewhat tense and he was aware of every single person in the room potentially watching them.

'Hyung,' Jungkook said right by his ear. 'Will you go out with me and Hobi Hyung and Jimin Hyung tonight?'

It took a deep breath for Yoongi to even remember how to speak. Jungkook was still massaging his shoulder, but with less pressure now. Mostly, it was his thumb rubbing circles into his skin.

'Tonight?'

It was already past midnight. Tonight's venue staff was slow in organising their post show routine and the crowd outside was still too large for them to leave. It would be a while until they were free to do whatever they wanted and Yoongi was already feeling exhausted from the show.

Jungkook hummed. He leaned forward a little more until his chin rested on Yoongi's shoulder.

'I kind of want a painkiller and my bed.'

It was hard to be honest with Jungkook when he knew exactly what he was saying no to. A night of being close to Jungkook, of seeing him laugh and dance and get just that little bit drunk. It was tempting, incredibly so, but Yoongi had never liked clubs, and his body was telling him no.

'They make you tired, right? The pills?' Jungkook asked, his tone a little more subdued. Yoongi could feel his chin move against his shoulder bone as he spoke.

'Yeah.'

'Huh. That's okay. But we need to have German beer together before we leave. I had it yesterday with the staff, it was really good.'

'Sure.'

'Will you come out with us in Paris then?'

Jungkook's hand was moving lower now, his thumb pressing into the muscles right by his spine where it made Yoongi shudder.

'If that's what you want.'

'That's what I want,' Jungkook smiled. 'I want us to dance.'

Yoongi closed his eyes again. Everything Jungkook was saying was something he had likely said to Jimin or Taehyung before. It was how he was with people he was close with. It didn't mean anything. Technically, they danced with each other every night on stage. It was only Yoongi's bias that made Jungkook's words suddenly sound suggestive and intimate. His voice hadn't really lowered. It was his imagination.

'Once your stitches are out.'

'Two more days,' Jungkook replied. When had he come so damn close? Yoongi swore he felt his lips brush the back of his neck. 'You smell nice, Hyung. How do you smell nice after a show?'

'Stop it.'

Behind him, Jungkook let out a laugh that tickled his neck. He was about to say something, Yoongi felt his fingers tease at the collar of his shirt in his back, but before he could do so, Namjoon clapped his hands to get their attention. Yoongi only just caught him averting his gaze from where they were sat together on the couch.

'Change of plan,' he said, finally back to Korean. 'We'll be stuck here for a while, there's a traffic jam on the main road, so we'll do the debrief that was meant for tomorrow morning.'

'It's getting too late for the club,' Hobi yawned, his mouth still filled with rice that Yoongi was sure didn't taste like it did at home.

It was Jimin who argued against Hobi's point, Taehyung who announced that he wanted to join the original plan of going out, but Jungkook only went back to resting his chin on Yoongi's shoulder. He didn't seem all that eager to go.

Still, it was he who brought up the idea of clubbing again three nights later when they were preparing for their final show in Paris.

'We never went out in Berlin,' he whined as he tugged on Yoongi's sleeve.

'How's your foot?' was Yoongi's response. Last night, their first of two Paris shows, Jungkook had joined their full choreo again for the first time since London. He'd had his stitches removed and had proudly shown Yoongi his heel afterwards and how it would scar. Yoongi had wanted to be with him for the procedure, but camera staff by the door had kept him away. He didn't need any witnesses to his honest reaction to Jungkook being in pain.

'I feel fine,' Jungkook told him. They were backstage once more. All green rooms started to look the same except this one was filled with the occasional chatter in French rather than German.

'Who else is going?'

'Everyone? Mostly. I don't think Jin Hyung is coming. He wants to join the farewell dinner with the crew.'

'Farewell,' Yoongi scoffed as he buttoned up his shirt for tonight's opening song. 'It's not like we'll never see them again. We'll be on tour for nearly another year. It's just a break.'

'I'm aware,' Jungkook grinned. 'But it's the last night in Europe for now. You should come with us.'

There weren't enough reasons for Yoongi to say no. Jungkook was right of course. He'd recover from the social hangover and the lack of sleep, but not from the regret he would feel if he let the others go and celebrate the end of the European leg of the tour by themselves. So he nodded, but didn't give Jungkook a chance to react before he got up to get his cue sheet from management.

The smile that Jungkook later gave him when he climbed into one of the taxis that had been called to the hotel for them would have been enough to make going out worth it, yet Yoongi realised with surprise that even aside from Jungkook's presence, he didn't feel opposed to celebrating tonight. He felt ecstatic after their final show in Europe. They had all gone a little too wild again, had given it their all knowing they would be back in Seoul in a little over twenty four hours and would have time to rest. All Yoongi wanted to do was wrap up the European leg of the tour on the good note that it deserved.

'How did you convince Suga Hyung to join us?' Namjoon threw an arm around Yoongi once the group was reunited in a booth near the very back of a club so elite, Yoongi almost felt at ease about the ever present threat of being filmed. Namjoon was looking at Jungkook, which for a moment made sense, then put a dent into Yoongi's carefree mood. Only just yesterday, they had all turned to Yoongi with questioning eyes when Jungkook had been late to rehearsal because he had gotten his stitches removed. Now, they were patting Jungkook on the back for his achievement of making Yoongi leave his hotel room.

Yoongi didn't want to linger on it, not tonight anyways, but he knew that it scared him to be associated with Jungkook like that. In a way, if he tried to delude himself hard enough, it was true that hiding in plain sight might be the safest thing for him to do. If everyone was aware that he and Jungkook were growing closer, they wouldn't think it strange if they ever witnessed Yoongi staring, or walked in on them sharing a bed, or realised how often the two of them snuck away by themselves these days. On the other hand, Yoongi simply couldn't believe how anyone would not piece it together in a heartbeat and proceed to expose him to the blissfully ignorant.

'Yoongi Hyung will be the life of the party tonight,' Jungkook grinned, his gaze, for once, not focused on Namjoon even though he had the chance, but on him.

'I'll get us drinks,' was Yoongi's response. He stood and made his way over to the bar more quickly than necessary. Once there, he almost expected Jungkook to catch up with him, to press up against his back the way he had started to do backstage sometimes, and he cursed the disappointment he felt when Jungkook remained where he was, glued to Taehyung's side in the cramped booth they had secured.

The liquor Yoongi ordered was too strong to start off the night, but he felt in the mood for it. His insides were a strange mix of lingering euphoria after tonight's show, exhaustion from the past few weeks, impatience to go home, and a bitter sweet sense of goodbye. Returning to Seoul would break the spell of the tour, it would throw them back into their usual routines, and, potentially, it would rip Jungkook from his side. In Seoul, Jungkook had his life outside of Bangtan just like Yoongi had his, and there was no reason for them to spend the nights together anymore, sitting on hotel beds, both of them exhausted, talking about the show they had played and the city they were in.

Losing Jungkook to reality was something else Yoongi didn't want to think about. He wanted to enjoy himself tonight, wanted to stop thinking for at least a little while. Their return to Seoul would also mean meeting his producers and evaluating the work he had done abroad, it would mean endless hours spent at the studio rather than recharging, and while Yoongi looked forward to it, he also knew that he wanted one night of recklessness before work continued.

Apparently the members felt the same way. They cheered loudly when Yoongi returned to the booth with a tray full of shots which they knocked back quickly. Taehyung went to the bar next, and they fell into an easy rhythm of getting up one after the other. When it was Jungkook's turn, he brought Jack and coke, and when his eyes met Yoongi's they both bit down on their smiles. No matter how wrong it had been and how Jungkook had mildly inconvenienced the group with his hangover, Yoongi cherished that night they had spent together like no other.

He was nursing a colourful cocktail, courtesy of Hobi, and was listening to a loud and messy story that Jimin was telling about tonight's show when he felt Jungkook's foot knock against his own underneath the table. They were sitting across from each other and the more Yoongi drank, the harder it became to look anywhere but at Jungkook. He was far from blackout drunk, but the world around him had gone a little blurry, a little less serious. Feeling Jungkook's foot press against his again, this time on purpose, didn't make him jump or worry. He only smiled and kicked back at him, making Jungkook grin into his own drink.

'I think Jin Hyung is coming after all,' Namjoon announced a little while later after checking his phone. 'At least for one drink and a toast.'

It was getting late. The club was loud, Yoongi was buzzing with the overstimulation even when he hadn't really left the booth yet, the alcohol was quickly making its way through his system, and he badly craved a breath of fresh air. Jin would probably not stay long. Maybe he could leave with him once they'd had their moment together as a group.

But Yoongi's prediction had been wrong. As it turned out, Jin arrived from his dinner in a state of drunkenness that matched Yoongi's own and that of the other members. He was louder than usual, eager to celebrate with the group now that he was staying up through the night anyways as he kept reminding them, and continued to bring more shots to the table for them to toast to increasingly more emotional highlights of the tour. Yoongi grinned into his drink when the highlight reel reached Jungkook's tears on the very first night in Seoul.

He tapped his credit card against the machine to get what he swore to himself was the last round of drinks when he felt Jungkook next to him. At this point, he sensed his presence before he even had to turn around. His body was too close for it to be a stranger, and too exciting for it to be anyone but him. Yoongi didn't know what it was about Jungkook nuzzling his nose into his neck these days, but he was well aware that he was sensitive to smells, so it was likely the familiarity that he craved.

'Come dance, Hyung.'

Yoongi sighed and slid his wallet into the back pocket of his jeans. His knuckles brushed up against Jungkook's thigh with how close to him he was standing.

'There's people here that actually enjoy dancing,' he noted. 'Jimini. Hobi. Hell, even Jin Hyung would dance with you tonight.'

'I want it to be you.'

It was too loud in the club. Yoongi could hardly understand what Jungkook was saying, even though he had leaned in closely.

'It's too hot in here to dance.'

'Three songs. Then we'll go outside for a minute.'

There was no way for Yoongi to say no. His cheeks burned for reasons he couldn't really explain when the guys started cheering as Jungkook dragged Yoongi towards the dance floor right after they had downed the shot Yoongi had bought. They had all drunk too much, the world wasn't exactly spinning, but swaying in a way that made everything feel unreal.

From the corner of his eye, he could see Jimin getting up, too, encouraging the others to join him, but Jungkook was already pulling him away from their booth by his arm and towards the dance floor that was illuminated by wild lights.

'Why me?' Yoongi sighed when Jungkook spun him around so they were face to face, pressed closely together in the crowd. Still, Jungkook kept pushing him further, to the very centre of the room.

'This is our tour, Hyung,' Jungkook told him once they came to a halt right underneath a gigantic disco ball, surrounded by too many people moving too boldly. 'We spent so much time together. I want to end it with you.'

'We're not ending the tour,' Yoongi muttered, though it lacked heat when he had to yell it into Jungkook's ear.

And still he started dancing. Because Jungkook had asked him to. Because Jungkook wanted this, and because he was smiling brightly when Yoongi started to move, self-conscious, yet somewhat uncaring.

'We'll still hang out in Seoul, right?'

Yoongi hated how whiny his own question sounded, how needy. It was the truth though, a drunken and honest one. It was exactly how he felt about Jungkook.

'Of course.' Jungkook's eyes went a little wide. He placed his forearms onto Yoongi's shoulders and pressed a little closer. 'It's you who'll be working nonstop once we're back. I'm scared I'll hardly see you.'

In his neck, Jungkook ran his thumb over his skin, making him barely hold back a shudder. Even in a sea full of people, Jungkook's touch set him on fire.

It took a moment for Jungkook's words to catch up with him. He was scared? Not just worried, a little uneasy, the way that Yoongi felt, but properly scared of the distance Seoul might bring?

'I'll make time for you.'

It was reckless, the way that Yoongi had stopped caring. Being like this with Jungkook, singling him out, making promises to him and only him. It was dangerous and yet Yoongi couldn't stop. Every day that he woke up he felt more like he and Jungkook were drifting towards somewhere only the two of them could reach. Something was growing between them that bound them together, that set them apart from the others, and Yoongi was helpless against the force of it.

He brought his hands up to Jungkook's sides, if only because he didn't know what else to do with them. He'd never been a good dancer, whether there was a choreo to follow or not. The alcohol made it easy enough to move instinctively, but he knew that he had nothing on Jungkook. Jungkook who was beautiful in the low light, looking like he belonged right where he was, moving so much more naturally. Under the touch of his hands, Yoongi could feel the sway of Jungkook's hips, enticing, addicting.

It was too hot. Next to them, a couple had started to kiss. Everyone was too close to each other, too close to them, and still Yoongi felt like he and Jungkook were alone in the world. The song that was playing was aggressively loud and fast, the French lyrics suggestive even when Yoongi didn't understand a word of them. Jungkook's fingers toyed with the collar of his shirt in his back. The song changed to something more melodic and Jungkook's hips began to roll even more exaggeratedly.

In a different world, none of this would have been without consequence. For a moment Yoongi thought of Daegu, of how little he'd had to do in order for people to murmur behind his back about who he went home with and who had gotten on their knees for him in dark alleys behind clubs. So much had changed since then. In this world he had created for himself, it would be more scandalous for him to show Jungkook the cold shoulder than to hold him close from time to time, to dance with him if that was what he wanted, to let him crawl into his bed at night. His life was full of affection, the seven of them held on to each other with a ferocity that scared him sometimes. This was not Daegu. This was Bangtan, and right now, this was Paris, the city in which no one seemed to give a fuck about who he was dancing with.

He pulled Jungkook in a little closer, and Jungkook came easily, their bodies pressing together even more. They had one song left. One song after which they would make their way through the crowd again to catch their breath outside. They would sober up, they would take a few steps back from each other, their bodies would stop moving together the way they did right now. Only a few more minutes. Yoongi closed his eyes and let himself imagine it. Being here with Jungkook under different circumstances, maybe in a different kind of club, the night stretching out in front of them with all the possibilities in the world.

Jungkook was curious. He might be inexperienced, but he wanted to change that. Maybe some day he would. He would tell Yoongi all about it, never knowing how badly Yoongi wanted to lose himself in him. For now, Yoongi let his hands start roaming over Jungkook's sides, sliding the fabric of his shirt up a little in the process. He tried to match the way that Jungkook's body was moving to the beat of the music. In his neck, he felt Jungkook's nails scratch over his skin just hard enough to make him shudder.

Was this the kind of dancing Jungkook had talked about? It wasn't what he did with Jin backstage, the crazy way in which they warmed up for a show or passed time, both of them jumping around and chasing each other until Namjoon put an end to it. It wasn't how he danced with Jimin or Hobi either, hour after hour spent at the studio until their choreo was as perfect as it was going to get. This was only them. Yoongi had to believe that it was. He didn't want Jungkook to be dancing with anyone else like this.

Almost a little possessively, he rolled his body into Jungkook's in a weak imitation of what he watched the younger members do on stage every night. He could tell that Jungkook was smiling right by his ear, but he also felt his one hand tighten into the fabric of his shirt right by his collar less playfully while the other dropped to his lower back in an attempt to keep his body right there, pressed up against his own. Yoongi's heart was beating out of his chest, the room was spinning properly now, a dangerous heat began to gather deep in his belly, made his insides tighten with pleasure.

The song changed, the beat picked up again, and Jungkook pulled at his body almost a little too roughly. Without saying anything he turned and forced a path through the crowd, his hand wrapped tightly around Yoongi's wrist now. He was headed towards the back of the club where their booth was, and Yoongi wanted to complain until he realised that that wasn't where Jungkook intended to go. He strayed too far to the right, towards a dimly lit corridor where the bathrooms had to be.

Yoongi's stomach dropped. All of this was too suggestive, too much like a movie. They were still who they were, they still lived the life that they lived. Surely Jungkook wasn't planning to be alone with him like that. It was a ridiculous thought to have, it made Yoongi's whole body tense up with both anticipation and disbelief.

'There's a back door,' Jungkook yelled over the music when he finally turned around to Yoongi. 'I saw it earlier.'

They passed the bathrooms, went further down the corridor, and then there was indeed a set of double doors, lonely and unused. Jungkook pushed one side of it open with the ease of someone who wasn't used to being told no. He looked around, smiled, then pulled Yoongi out onto the street.

The music could still be heard even once the door fell shut, but there was air to breathe that Yoongi gulped up eagerly. It was a little cold, but with how Yoongi was burning up, it felt pleasant on his skin. They were in a parking lot, or maybe simply a delivery site, with a few cars parked near the building and a dark alley leading back to the main street.

'It looks like behind the bars in Daegu where I started to smoke,' Yoongi mused with half a grin on his face. He still felt adrenaline rush through his veins. Jungkook was still holding on to his wrist.

'You smoked?'

'For a hot second. I dropped it the moment that I realised it impacted my rapping.'

Jungkook nodded in acknowledgement. He'd understand. The whole group depended on how well he treated his voice and he would never do anything to risk his health in any serious way. Other than stumbling outside a club without a coat on when it was too deep into fall for that and his body was overheated from the alcohol and the dancing.

'You'll catch a cold.'

He tried to reach for Jungkook, then realised belatedly that it was Jungkook who was still holding on to him. They tumbled into each other, Yoongi's other hand came up to Jungkook's chest, and Jungkook released his wrist only to take a step closer to lean against him, his arms wrapping around Yoongi.

'I'm not cold,' he mumbled.

'It's because you're drunk.'

'I'm not drunk, either. I'm happy.'

'Yeah? Just that?'

'Yeah,' Jungkook smiled into his neck. He was so close, Yoongi could do nothing but wrap his arms around him in return. It was true that his body was warm, his shirt even a little damp in his back. Which made being outside all the more dangerous.

'You've had quite a lot to drink,' Yoongi noted, but it only made Jungkook groan.

'We've been here for hours. Most of what I had was mixed shots.'

It was true for Yoongi, too. He certainly didn't feel sober, but his thoughts were as clear as they would ever be around Jungkook. So why would Jungkook be wasted? He didn't act like it, either. There was a certain kind of eagerness and joy in him that alcohol was certainly responsible for, maybe he was swaying a little before he leaned himself against Yoongi, but it was nothing compared to how drunk he had been in Oakland.

'You're cute when you're drunk.'

Yoongi didn't know where it was coming from. Probably his own state of inebriety, if weak. He was so tired of not telling Jungkook what he thought about him. His entire body was aching for him, Jungkook was so close, kept pushing closer, just didn't give him any space, and Yoongi was about ready to explode with all the thoughts and wants he was stomping down on.

'You are,' Jungkook smiled. His voice always sounded the best when Yoongi heard it right by his ear. 'My cutest Hyung. My favourite.'

'Stop saying that.'

'Stop saying stop,' Jungkook whined. 'I can call you my favourite.' He drew back a little. His lower lip was drawn into a pout that Yoongi badly wanted to trace his fingers over. 'I can like how you smell and how you dance and how you look at me.'

Yoongi's throat suddenly felt dry. The last few weeks were a blur of hotel rooms and backstage areas and rehearsals and long drives and plane rides and shows, shows, shows, but he dimly remembered Jungkook saying those things. Him pressing closer to Yoongi on the couch, telling him he smelled nice, him talking about the performance he had watched, telling Yoongi he'd liked his dancing. Jungkook had said all that, but it made no sense.

'Stop it,' Yoongi said again. He didn't really know why.

'But I mean it. I'm not going to stop saying it just because you came out to me.'

Yoongi's head was spinning.

'What?'

'You're still scared,' Jungkook said, his voice low. He was still too close. 'You're scared it'll change things. I'm doing everything I can to let you know it won't.'

Maybe, a fucked up part of Yoongi thought, it would have been easier if Jungkook's reaction had been the one he had actually been scared of. If he had withdrawn from him, been disgusted with him. Instead they were here now, their arms wrapped around each other, with promises on Jungkook's lips that Yoongi so badly wanted to taste and make real. But of course that was still better than if Jungkook had actually turned his back on him.

He couldn't stop the truth from slipping off his tongue even if he had wanted to.

'The only thing I'm scared of is losing you.'

Jungkook drew back just enough to be able to look at him. His eyes were shiny, wide, so familiar, so achingly beautiful. His lips were the same, so perfectly soft that they captured Yoongi's attention. It was easier than to face what he had just confessed to him.

'You won't lose me, Hyung.' Jungkook was almost whispering. 'Never. Yoongi-yah.'

Yoongi's eyes snapped up in an instant. That lack of an honorific made him want to argue, but when he met Jungkook's gaze again, it suddenly didn't bother him anymore. Jungkook's mouth drew into the sweetest kind of smile.

'Yoongi,' he said again. 'I like you best when you're honest like that.'

'Stop.'

It was weak, and it only made Jungkook smile wider. It was the alcohol. He could never be serious when he'd had something to drink.

'Yoongi. Yoongi, Yoongi, Yoongi.'

Why were they still holding on to each other? It wasn't even really a hug at this point. Just their arms wrapped around each other, unwilling to draw away.

'I won't go anywhere,' Jungkook now said. 'We have more honest things to say to each other.'

'There's more than you being curious?'

Yoongi tried to mirror Jungkook's smile, but really all he could focus on was how badly he wanted to draw him in closer. He felt his composure crack, felt Jungkook break down yet another wall between them, whether deliberately or not. Here he was, tearing Yoongi open bit by bit, all with a little bit of reassurance.

'I'm curious, yes,' Jungkook smirked. 'I need you to tell me more. Like what it feels like for you to be attracted to guys, because I... I want you to tell me.'

This. This was what it felt like. If there were no attraction there, Yoongi wouldn't be burning up, he wouldn't have to bury his hands in Jungkook's shirt quite so hard in order to keep them where they were. He wouldn't feel this tense, ready to snap, just because Jungkook had his arms around him, was so damn close and warm and perfect.

'You'll find out,' Yoongi managed. His voice was so weak. 'You'll know. I promise.'

There was no air to breathe. All Yoongi could focus on was Jungkook's lips. They were still smiling, but there was something more serious on his face now, something Yoongi hardly had a chance to catch because suddenly he was so close, his fingers were pressed against his jaw, his breath ghosting over his mouth.

'Hyung,' he heard, tasted, maybe imagined. Then Jungkook's lips were on his.

It wasn't real, was all Yoongi could think. One simple truth, yet one that his brain barely managed. Jungkook had to be more drunk than it seemed. Or worse maybe, Yoongi had only imagined him leaning in. What if it had been his own restraint breaking? Surely Jungkook would draw back any second now, would break the promise he had just made.

But he stayed where he was, softly tracing his fingers down Yoongi's jaw to his neck. Their kiss was just that, lips pressed together. Yoongi didn't dare to move until Jungkook did, until he pressed against him a little harder, asking, or maybe questioning. Everything had been frozen for a second, a second in which they could have still called it friendly affection, but Yoongi broke the moment that Jungkook's confidence seemed to falter and he pulled back.

It wasn't enough yet. He tightened his hand in Jungkook's shirt where it still rested against his chest. Jungkook had said that he wanted to know. He'd said that he wasn't disinterested. He was here, kissing him. And if they stopped now, that was all it was ever going to be. If this was the one kiss Yoongi got, he wanted it to be more than a second. More than something Jungkook would drunkenly laugh at in a moment.

He parted his lips against Jungkook's, ignored all the alarm bells going off in his mind, and drew him in even closer by his shirt. Jungkook came so easily, sighed a little shakily against Yoongi's lips. The movement felt like throwing himself off a cliff. Like a decision being made. Yoongi's belly somersaulted, there was only static buzzing in his brain, his entire body felt the rush of adrenaline that went through him. He was kissing Jungkook. And Jungkook was eager, his lips not at all hesitant.

It was better than everything Yoongi had ever imagined it would be. Because it was Jungkook who deepened the kiss once Yoongi had asked for it, it was Jungkook who pressed into it harder, who traced the tip of his tongue over Yoongi's trembling lower lip, as if he had imagined it before, too. It wasn't an inexperienced, clumsy kiss. Jungkook knew what he was doing, he took Yoongi apart with precision, made it almost hard for him to keep up. It made no sense, none of it did, but Yoongi let it happen, touched his tongue to Jungkook's, traced his fingers over his strong chest, craned his neck a little further in invitation.

Jungkook's height made it easy for him to move Yoongi backwards. Yoongi stumbled only for a moment before he was being held securely by the waist. A second later, he felt his back hit the stone wall of the building, and he almost let out a laugh of disbelief. This was how he had seen Jungkook kiss that girl, pressed up against a wall. Only now Jungkook was towering over him instead, was still kissing him, was getting breathless and a little desperate in a way that had Yoongi reeling.

It was the sound of Jungkook's breathing quickening, the small gasp he let out when Yoongi's thumb carelessly brushed over his nipple through his thin shirt, that made Yoongi lose all sense of control. Months and months of wanting Jungkook like this, of wondering what it would feel like to be allowed to touch him like this, came crashing down on him. Jungkook's mouth was hot and still so damn eager, and there was nothing Yoongi could do to hold back.

He pushed at Jungkook's chest only to turn them around and crowd him up against the wall himself. Jungkook was taller than him, stronger, but he let Yoongi move his body with a kind of trust and willingness that made Yoongi's head spin. He used his whole body to keep Jungkook where he was, pressed their hips together, their chests, brought his one hand down to Jungkook's side while the other reached for the fabric of his collar.

Underneath his touch he could feel how Jungkook's chest was rising and falling quickly with how breathless he was. Their kiss faltered a little, lost its rhythm with the distraction that was the sudden friction of their bodies. Heat rushed through Yoongi with an intensity he couldn't comprehend. Despite everything he'd ever thought about Jungkook, it should have still felt daunting, foreign to taste him like this, to kiss him senseless, to feel him pressed up against him. But there was not a single part about it that wasn't heat and want and trust. This was Jungkook. This was right.

Jungkook's mouth fell open against his own when Yoongi lost yet another battle and slowly ground his body forwards and into his. His thigh pushed between Jungkook's legs almost involuntarily, pinning him up against the wall with more force. A surge of desire burned him up when he felt Jungkook arch into the pressure, felt his cock half hard against his thigh, as unreal as it was. They were both in jeans, Yoongi's own growing hardness pressed uncomfortably against his inseam where he thought Jungkook would feel it if only he shifted just right. The friction was merely the dim promise of pleasure. It wasn't enough. It only made him want more.

The sound Jungkook made when he rubbed up against him was weak, airy, desperate. It sounded like Hyung, but not really. Like the idea of it. Yoongi tightened the grip that he had on his waist, rubbed his thumb over Jungkook's nipple again, this time deliberately. Jungkook's hips bucked up once more, eagerly trying to get more friction, and he gasped when Yoongi gave it to him. His own cock was throbbing in his jeans, but he couldn't quite get the angle right, couldn't even concentrate well enough on it with all the other overwhelming sensations rushing through him.

Jungkook was still kissing him, or was trying to. It was messy now, and when Yoongi tried to slow them down, Jungkook all but whined against his lips. His fingers were back on his jaw, and Yoongi felt the tip of his thumb swipe just below his lower lip. When had Jungkook become so damn good at kissing?

The fact that he could hear Jungkook panting meant they had broken apart. Their hips had stilled for reasons Yoongi couldn't process just yet. Maybe it was just that he was thinking too much. He wanted this, all of it, but his thoughts were too loud even when there was nothing really on his mind other than Jungkook, Jungkook, Jungkook. It was him everywhere now, in every corner of his being, worse than ever before.

Yoongi opened his eyes when he felt Jungkook push at his lower back in wordless encouragement, still so beautifully shameless. But when he met Jungkook's gaze, there was that hesitation he had waited for. Finally. His pupils were blown, his cheeks were flushed, his lips puffy. Yoongi had never felt more of an ache and longing looking at him, but he had also never wanted to get away from him this badly at the same time.

Frozen once more he watched Jungkook bring a hand up to his own lips and touch his fingertips to them in what seemed like disbelief. He hadn't looked this way back in the hallway in L.A.. He hadn't looked this wrecked at all.

'Oh,' he said quietly. He took a deep breath that was so shaky it hurt to watch. 'What... What now?'

It was the same question that was on Yoongi's own mind, only asked with more wonder, more hope. There was nowhere to go from here. They couldn't take this moment back, but they could also most definitely not take it any further. Yoongi didn't want to decide. For once, he didn't want to be Jungkook's Hyung whom he looked at with expectant eyes. For too long he didn't say anything, didn't even trust his own voice. Jungkook's eyes were still dark, but they seemed to grow more worried with every second of silence that passed.

'Do we... Do we go back to the hotel?'

Jungkook's hand was still on his lower back. There was just enough space between them now for Yoongi to no longer be able to feel how Jungkook had reacted to this, how into it he had been. At the thought, he nearly pushed forward again. What if they stopped caring for another few minutes? But it was already too real. Too impossible to ignore.

Yoongi managed to shake his head.

'You should at least say goodbye.'

'Only me?'

How was Jungkook able to keep his voice so even? He still sounded a little breathless, overwhelmed, but not as uncertain as Yoongi did.

'Only you,' he decided without giving it much thought. 'I need to... Fuck, I need to...'

He took a step back, watched Jungkook's eyes widen more, ran his hand over his face.

'Don't go.'

Of course Jungkook wouldn't make this easy, but Yoongi knew it was the only option that he had. If he stayed, he'd confess too much to Jungkook who would want to talk, if he went back to the hotel with him he'd end up with his lips on his again, if he went back inside the club the guys would notice in a heartbeat that something was off.

'Kook-ah.' His voice broke. 'I need to.'

He turned, shuddering with the sudden cold. It felt aggressive and painful on his tingling skin.

'Hyung!'

Yoongi didn't allow himself to even look back. He walked faster, down the alley that would bring him to the main street. Jungkook didn't follow him, and Yoongi didn't want to think about how lost he would look, alone by the back door. If he did, he'd turn. So he focused on one thing only which was the sight of the street in the distance. He kept walking, didn't allow himself to think anything at all.

Once he was far enough away he leaned forward onto his knees for only a minute, breathing heavily. He stuck a hand out when he spotted something bright yellow to his left. He got into the taxi, leaned his head against the backrest, and dug his fingers into his own thigh hard enough to keep himself from shivering.

Chapter Text

All Yoongi wanted was to seek Jungkook out. Every thought of how he had left him behind hurt. So did every single possible reaction that Yoongi could imagine. After Yoongi had left, what had Jungkook done? Had he gone back inside and pretended nothing had happened? Had Jimin been able to see through his pretence and already gotten the whole story from him? Did Jimin know by now? And if Jungkook hadn't gone back inside, where was he now? Was he safe? Or was he wandering the streets of Paris all by himself?

Then there was the possibility of him following Yoongi to the hotel. Yoongi stood by the window in his room for a long time, waiting for something to break him out of his trance. It wasn't easy to admit, but in a way, he wanted it to be Jungkook knocking on his door. He checked his phone, half expecting a text from him, but his screen was blank. For a moment, his thumb hovered over the text box of his chat with Jungkook that had recently been filled with pictures and brief, yet frequent exchanges, but he didn't know what to say. He had left him in that alleyway. Jungkook deserved better than a misleading text asking whether he was alright.

With a sigh, Yoongi closed his eyes and shut out the view of the city below. What had he done?

All his restraint had broken tonight, and Jungkook had suffered the full force of it. Jungkook, who had admitted that he was confused, that he didn't really know what he wanted at all. And Yoongi had taken advantage of his vulnerability, of his eagerness to satisfy a curiosity that Yoongi suddenly felt sure he himself had put there in the first place. If he hadn't told Jungkook what he had told him in Amsterdam, Jungkook would have never considered kissing him tonight. Yet, somehow, he had, and Yoongi had pushed what little he had offered too far.

And now there was no taking it back. He had given Jungkook yet another experience he would likely regret. After a failed relationship in his teens, after Nayeong who had left him, taking so much from him, after a disastrous kiss in L.A. that had led to days of tension between him and the staff, Jungkook now had to add kissing his friend to his list of upsetting attempts at intimacy. Kissing Yoongi, whom he didn't want and who had left him behind as if he didn't want him either. When really, he wanted too much.

Had Jungkook been able to tell? All Yoongi could hope for was that he had been too overwhelmed to really register a thing, just like Yoongi himself had felt. He had kissed Jungkook, and already the details felt fuzzy, blurred, like a heated dream he'd had too many times before. It hadn't only been a kiss, either. It had been too hot, too desperate. Half of it, Yoongi had probably made up. Like feeling Jungkook hardening against him. There was simply no way that Jungkook had been affected like that.

What he couldn't deny was that he missed Jungkook. Despite it all, despite the regret and the confusion and the ever present guilt, there was room for Yoongi to acknowledge the ache that he felt now that Jungkook was no longer by his side. And not only that. It was more than the physical distance that separated them right now. Yoongi had no idea what it would be like to see him in the morning, what kind of a fracture to their friendship the kiss had caused. There was no way that they would fall right back into their easy affection. Something would change after tonight, and Yoongi wasn't ready for it.

It took a long time for him to accept that Jungkook wasn't going to come and see him tonight. He was most likely with Jimin, Yoongi told himself. He'd have to accept the fact that one more member would know about his secret. That Jimin would look at him accusingly in the morning, maybe not because of his preferences, but definitely because of how he had left Jungkook behind all by himself in a moment of vulnerability. And it would be well deserved.

The only thing that could make Yoongi step away from the window after too much time had passed was the prospect of yet another drink. He went over to the mini bar, took out the travel sized bottle of wine that he so far hadn't touched, and sipped from it while he slowly began to undress. It wasn't really enough to make him more drunk than he already was, but paired with two of his painkillers that he didn't really need, it was a good enough way to lull him into a dreamless sleep more quickly than he would have expected only a short while later.

...

The next day started early. Yoongi knew he wouldn't have felt any more ready for it a few hours later, and still he cursed his alarm that pulled him out of a heavy sleep that was hard to shake off. It was good, he told himself. The medication paired with the alcohol wasn't healthy, wasn't something that he was proud of, but it numbed his racing thoughts for now. He tried to push them all away as well as he could, anyways.

He only had to make it to Seoul, he told himself. Once they were back, they only had one award show to attend before they would be free to do whatever they liked for a whole week. Yoongi would be working of course, but most of the members would spend time with their families. Jungkook had briefly considered going to Busan, but as far as Yoongi knew he hadn't come to a decision yet. Last he had heard, Jungkook had wanted to watch him work which was likely not happening now. Either way, the dorm would be mostly empty, and maybe the quiet would give Yoongi enough room to come to his senses.

He dragged himself out of bed, packed his suitcase messily, unplugged the unreasonable amount of electronics he relied on for his music, and forced himself down into the lobby where they would be picked up and brought to the airport. He had never been more thankful for a day without a schedule.

His heart was racing when he came downstairs. Naturally, the first thing he did was look for Jungkook. He couldn't avoid him for long, he was well aware of it. Back in Daegu, after nights like these, he had usually made sure to let whatever had happened settle for a while before he would risk entering the same venue or seeing the same friend or acquaintance again that he had allowed close to him. Here, there was no escaping reality which was why he was almost glad for the sharp headache and the sickening feeling in his guts that kept him occupied.

Jungkook wasn't downstairs yet. It was Hobi who came up to him the moment that he saw him, large sunglasses covering his eyes, but seeming joyful and way more awake than Yoongi felt.

'Hyung!' he exclaimed, throwing an arm around Yoongi. 'You left us without a warning last night! I brought your coat, but it wouldn't fit into my suitcase. It's over there.'

He pointed towards his luggage over which he had nicely draped Yoongi's winter coat that he hadn't realised he had left behind at the bar.

'Yeah, sorry.' Yoongi's voice was rough with sleep. 'I got a bit overwhelmed at the club. It was too hot.'

It was the easiest excuse to fall back on, even if it wasn't fair. Yoongi knew no one would doubt him if he claimed that being at the club had drained him. It had been a while since he had felt more than hints of panic in crowded and loud places, the exposure at concerts had mostly cured him of that fear, but he still suffered from sensory overload more than the others did.

'I know. Jungkookie said you didn't feel too well. Did you sleep alright?'

Yoongi nodded, but his mind was absent. So Jungkook had gone back inside after he had left. He'd been with the other members.

'Was he okay when he came in?'

The question was out before Yoongi could stop it, but Hobi only hummed. Apparently he found nothing strange about it.

'We didn't stay that much longer, either. Jungkookie left first with Jimin-ah, he said he was tired. But he was okay.'

So Jimin knew, Yoongi felt sure about it. He looked around again, but Jimin was nowhere to be seen, either. There was only Taehyung, sipping coffee with one of the stylists by the window, and Jin who was just stepping out of the elevator with his luggage and a large RJ plushie under his arm.

'Are you hungover?' he asked Hobi, more to make conversation than out of true curiosity. Really, what he wanted was to be left alone and to sleep more. He wanted to wake up in Seoul and forget all about what had happened on tour.

'Quite,' Hobi said, a bright smile playing contradictorily on his lips. 'But it was so worth it. Namjoon-ah and Jin Hyung hit the dance floor right after you left, it was hilarious.'

Hobi fell into stories about last night as easily as Yoongi managed to tune them out. He was caught up in his own head instead, anxious about seeing Jungkook, confused about last night, knocked out too hard by his pills.

'Are you okay? Tired?' Hobi eventually asked just when the elevator doors opened again at the same time at which three vans pulled up in front of the hotel.

'Drank more than I should have,' Yoongi mumbled, his eyes on the elevator where Jimin now appeared, closely followed by Jungkook. At first glance, there was nothing off about either of them. Jungkook was focused on his backpack that wouldn't close because a stuffed pink bunny he had been gifted by a fan at one of the venues filled up too much space. He was wearing sunglasses, same as Hobi, and a bucket hat that obscured most of his face.

'I'll try and get one at the airport,' Yoongi caught Jimin chattering away. 'We can share if you sit with me instead of Hyung.'

Yoongi's heart dropped. He had no idea what Jimin was talking about sharing, but he understood well enough that he was talking about him. There was no need to specify Hyung, not after weeks of Jungkook falling asleep leaning against his shoulder on planes, and the realisation almost made Yoongi's stomach turn over.

It was as Jungkook mumbled, 'Sure, yeah,' that his eyes found Yoongi's. They were searching, same as Yoongi's own had been right when he had come downstairs.

The combination of relief and pain that spread through Yoongi almost tore him apart. Jungkook's gaze was certainly heavy with confusion and worry, but still soft, wanting. He wasn't looking at him with anger, even when Yoongi would have deserved it. And still, it hurt that there was no smile, no familiar lighting up of his features. He looked lost, unsure, and Yoongi had no idea how to make things any better. He only looked, acknowledged Jungkook for a moment, and then turned when their head manager began to shuffle them towards the double doors out onto the curb.

He was spared from sharing a van with Jungkook, something Jungkook might have chosen on purpose, and arrived first at the airport so that he didn't see him again until they were all gathered in the lounge where they had to wait for their call. Jungkook was sipping on a cup of coffee, still next to Jimin, while Yoongi's head was about to split in half and he could hardly keep his eyes open. After a few minutes in which he managed to drift off into a light sleep with his head resting on his backpack, he felt Namjoon's presence, heard his low murmur over the noise of the airport, was surprised by a heavy hand resting on his back.

'Only to Seoul, yeah?' Namjoon said, a little out of context. 'You can take a break there. I'll make sure you take one.'

Yoongi only hummed in return. If Namjoon thought he had finally crashed after last night's clubbing, he'd let him believe that. A social hangover, the exhaustion of the tour catching up with him, the pressure of the EP. They were all reasons Namjoon would understand and that would make sense to him. Yoongi didn't have to say anything more.

He got up because he had to when he heard the voice of their head security guard, but nothing felt real. Least of all Jungkook's voice when he crossed the airfield a few minutes later, wind blowing through his hair, a few drops of rain hitting his face.

'You knocked yourself out with painkillers.' It was a statement, not a question, and it came without judgement. Jungkook was right next to him, but not touching him. The difference to only a few hours ago was scarring. 'Are you safe?'

This one was a question, and it was one Yoongi hated to hear. He knew that it was only fair though. There was no real danger in two painkillers and a hangover, nothing Jungkook would have to seriously worry about, and yet he knew that he'd be asking Jungkook the same question if things had been the other way around. What he asked himself was how Jungkook had instantly known. What was it that had told him Yoongi was processing more than a too short night or sobering up?

'I am,' he managed. 'I just need to sleep.'

'Will we talk?'

Yoongi's insides clenched together tightly at the tone of Jungkook's voice. The caution with which he spoke, as if he needed to handle Yoongi with care rather than it being the other way around.

'We will. Not on the plane though.'

It wasn't private enough. There wasn't enough space. They'd be forced too closely together after, when Yoongi wanted the option to escape.

'I'll sit with Jimin Hyung,' Jungkook only said, his voice quiet. They reached the metal stairs that led up and into the plane and Yoongi nodded in defeat. 'Hyung. He doesn't know.'

Yoongi looked back at him at that. The surprise of it was strangely calming. For whatever reason, Jungkook hadn't told anyone. Maybe the reason was as ugly as shame, but maybe it was the memory of how Yoongi had shaken at the canal in Amsterdam at the prospect of even just Jungkook knowing. Just Jungkook.

Jungkook, who was back to calling him Hyung, as he should.

'Thank you,' he said. 'Really. You...'

A part of him wanted to break, wanted to tell Jungkook that he could say to Jimin whatever he wanted or needed to say. This wasn't only about Yoongi, after all. But he didn't get the words out in time. Maybe he didn't mean them enough. He was too selfish for them. The prospect of Jimin knowing felt entirely different from telling Jungkook.

'In Seoul,' Jungkook said. He was behind Yoongi on the stairs, was behind him when they stepped onto the plane, but he was not close enough. He didn't crowd up against him playfully the way he would have done before last night.

'Seoul,' Yoongi agreed. He knew there was no way around it. He owed Jungkook a conversation at the very least. An apology for leaving him behind. He already didn't deserve the grace with which Jungkook handled this, the lack of immediate anger that the group would pick up on.

The sleep Yoongi tried to get on the plane was more than what he was used to, yet it was messy and light and left him feeling almost more ruined than before. Once, he woke with such a start it made Hobi get out of his seat and walk over to him for a bit of a distraction. It was obvious that Hobi as well as Namjoon had realised that something was off, but both of them knew Yoongi well enough not to ask him about it on the plane when both staff and management was around and there was no real privacy to be had.

Jungkook stayed away from him until they had landed, but as they were confined to their seats due to turbulence for stretches of the long flight it didn't raise any eyebrows. It was too much of a familiar picture to see Jungkook with Jimin after all for anyone to think too much about it. Besides, it wasn't hard to see how the other members struggled through their own hangovers and exhaustion. Most of them could hardly keep their eyes open.

At the airport in Seoul, Yoongi first considered pulling Jungkook away from the group. He knew he had to, he knew the more time passed the more it would hurt and confuse Jungkook. Yoongi didn't know how he was supposed to feel himself. A part of him wanted Jungkook, of course it did. He wanted him close to him again, if only for a conversation. But a more cowardly part of him still felt like running. Like avoiding him.

In the end, they were rushed through Incheon with an urgency Yoongi could barely keep up with in his tired state. Even if he had wanted to, there wasn't a minute to be had alone with Jungkook. Besides, Namjoon stuck to his side like glue, keeping an unnecessarily close eye on him. Once the dorm came into view from the window of the van Yoongi was in, he thought about it again, about entering Jungkook's room with him and sitting him down to talk. But in the end, he fell asleep in his own room before he could do anything else.

His bags remained unpacked at the foot of his bed, he only just managed to take off his jeans, but then passed out with his dirty shirt still on, his teeth unbrushed, and the comforter of his bed only halfway drawn back.

He woke up disoriented, heavy with what felt like hours and hours of sleep, but finally feeling alive again. For a moment he lay where he was, appreciating the comfort of his small bedroom and the view out of the window where the blinds hadn't been drawn. The gloomy grey of the sky suggested that it was morning, but one of the ones that would never really clear up. Yoongi turned, tried to allow himself to simply go to sleep again, but his body was done recharging. So he went to take a shower, wandered around the house for a bit only to realise that he was the only one awake, and then ended up in front of Jungkook's room after all.

He was out of excuses. Except for the one that Jungkook was asleep, but he wouldn't let it count. Jungkook didn't respond to his knock and when Yoongi opened the door he found him in bed, his blankets thrown off, spread out on his front with his arms wrapped tightly around the stuffed bunny he had brought home from tour. His bags were upturned, his belongings spread out all over his room as if he had looked for something he hadn't found last night before giving up and falling asleep. His phone was on his mattress, right next to his hand as if he had fallen asleep holding it.

Slowly, Yoongi walked up to him, knowing that if he didn't do so now, he might never find the courage. There wasn't really much that he could say, he didn't have a plan other than to make sure Jungkook wouldn't hate him for the rest of his life.

Without overthinking it, he sat down on the mattress and reached a hand out to Jungkook's back, placing it softly on his shoulder blade. He was wearing a shirt for once. Maybe he'd fallen asleep just as messily, just as unprepared as Yoongi had. Still, his skin was warm even through the fabric. His nose seemed to be congested again, maybe from the flight, but maybe he was truly catching a cold like Yoongi had been afraid of.

Under his touch, Jungkook first didn't stir, but when Yoongi began to run his hand up to his shoulder to gently shake him, he shifted, hummed into his bunny, then cracked one eye open and immediately seemed alert. He propped himself up onto his forearms and looked back at Yoongi with sleepy, yet attentive eyes.

'Sorry for waking you up,' Yoongi said quietly.

'I'm up,' Jungkook mumbled nonsensically. Clearly he wasn't quite awake yet, but he was trying to be for Yoongi.

Before he could say anything else, maybe before he could wake up properly, Yoongi spoke first.

'I'm sorry I left just like that and that we still haven't talked. I panicked.'

It was the one thing he had really wanted to say, and Jungkook only nodded, if slowly.

'I hate that you ran,' he said, without any heat. 'But I don't want to be angry.'

Jungkook was able to think in such complex and intricate ways, but then he was also this, sometimes. Almost childlike, as if the world were so much more simple than it really was.

'I just didn't know how else to react,' Yoongi admitted. 'I honestly still don't really know it. You handled this much better than I did so far.'

The sound Jungkook let out sounded a bit like a scoff, but not quite. Like he couldn't decide. It was that sound that made Yoongi finally see the cracks in the facade. Jungkook was holding himself together so well, almost as if nothing had happened, but there was uncertainty in his response now, uncertainty that Yoongi had both waited for and that he wanted to ease.

'But I don't know either, Hyung,' Jungkook mumbled. He sat up properly now, rubbed a hand over his eyes, drew his legs up underneath him where he crossed them. 'I'm confused.'

It was what Yoongi had thought. And it didn't make things any easier. If anything, Jungkook being unsure about this only made it more wrong.

'I'm sorry,' he said again. 'You already told me this, you said you didn't really know what you want or what you like, and I should have never used you like that. It was wrong on so many levels and I'm sorry if you felt pushed into this in any way. It's not going to happen again.'

He couldn't make himself meet Jungkook's eyes, even if his apology was an honest one. It took a long moment for Jungkook to respond anything at all.

'I knew what I wanted in Paris. You didn't use me.'

It was an admission that only made things harder. Yoongi couldn't even allow himself to really think about it. He had already decided how Jungkook felt about their kiss. He wasn't going to hear anything different from him.

'Still.' He took a deep breath. 'You wanted to try it, now you did. Maybe I wasn't the best option for you, but we'll both make better choices in the future, yeah? I'll be a better Hyung for you, I promise.'

Jungkook was quiet, and Yoongi didn't dare to look at him. He could hear Jungkook thinking, knew that there were more disruptive things that he would say if he stayed much longer, and so he got up when really all he wanted was to lean in and pull Jungkook close to him.

It wasn't fair. He was hurting Jungkook, wasn't letting him speak and work through the confusion he had admitted to, but there was too much that Yoongi was hiding from him to do anything other than put an end to everything that had to do with that last night in Paris. He didn't need Jungkook to say anything about having wanted it, or even having liked it. He didn't need him to get Yoongi's hopes up only to then decide that really, all it had been was a moment of curiosity.

'Did you hate it that much?'

The question startled Yoongi into freezing. Finally, he looked down at Jungkook, right at him. His eyes were wide, as they usually were, with something so vulnerable in them it made Yoongi want to curl in on himself.

'Hate it?' he repeated, stupidly. 'No. No, Koo, I...' Yoongi sighed, closed his eyes, ran a hand over them. 'I didn't hate it. It just wasn't a good idea, for so many reasons. And I don't want you to work yourself up over it.'

'I think you're the one working yourself up.'

Jungkook sounded defiant, and when Yoongi looked at him again, he was pouting as if they were speaking about something a lot less serious than a kiss.

'I'm no good at this,' he sighed. 'I'm sorry.'

'Hyung,' Jungkook tried, still without any heat, but with a certain kind of disappointment in his tone that only made Yoongi hurt more. 'Are you even trying to be?'

He wasn't. He wanted all of this to end and he was trying to find the path of least resistance. He shouldn't have ever kissed Jungkook, exactly because of this. Because Jungkook was too sweet to satisfy some kind of stupid desire Yoongi just couldn't shake. Jungkook was the kind of person to whom a kiss mattered and now Yoongi couldn't take it back.

'I'm just as confused as you are, Kook-ah,' he made himself admit. It was as much of a truth as he could put into words. 'I need to figure some things out.'

To this, Jungkook nodded, if slowly and hesitantly. It came as close to an end to this conversation as they were going to get, and so Yoongi made to turn again. Without thinking about it, he reached a hand out, ran it through Jungkook's hair, cupped his neck for a second, pressed his palm against his warm skin. He took another breath, then walked away.

'I don't want to lose you either.'

Yoongi stopped. He had almost made it to the door where he closed his eyes and let Jungkook's words destroy him for a painful second.

'You won't. We won't let this break us. I just need some time, okay?'

He had to wait too long for Jungkook to say, 'Okay'. He didn't turn around to look at him, but his voice sounded small and defeated. Staying another second would have been too much and so Yoongi forced his feet to keep walking until he was out the door, down the hallway, down the stairs, and in the entrance hall where he grabbed his coat and keys and left the dorm without a second thought.

...

As Yoongi had predicted, the dorm became quiet over the next few days, once they had sat through one final award show. Hobi packed his bags as soon as they were free to leave in order to spend a week with his girlfriend on Jeju Island which he was endlessly teased for. Jin and Jimin went home to see their families, Taehyung cycled through seeing so many friends in a short period of time that Yoongi gave up on knowing where he was, and Namjoon spent most of his time at producers' homes and the company, carefully tracking the reactions to the release of Mono and working on more promotional material.

Jungkook was home and suffered through a cold Yoongi had predicted as well. He hardly left his room, and even though Yoongi made himself go there a few times to ask if he needed anything and how he was doing, he continued to keep to himself for a few days. Once he felt better, he left for Busan to spend time at his brother's home from where he planned to return together with Jimin.

Yoongi threw himself into working on his EP and barely showed his face at the dorm. A few nights in a row he fell asleep on the leather couch at the Genius Lab, and sometimes he only returned home at the crack of dawn and stayed in bed until noon. Every now and then he had lunch or dinner with Namjoon when their time at the company overlapped, but mostly he either kept to himself or spent time with producers that were up his ass about the songs he had been supposed to finish on the first stretch of the tour.

He had known it would happen, but still he was frustrated with himself when the tentative release date they had aimed for was pushed back in light of how far in the production cycle they had come. It wasn't unusual, really, Yoongi had never been part of any project that had met the originally anticipated timeline, and still he felt more upset than the news warranted. He vowed to himself that he would work harder, but the more time he spent at the studio the more stuck he seemed to become.

It only took a few more days for him to feel utterly isolated from the rest of the world and he began to question every single lyric and instrumental he had written so far. Listening to the guides Jungkook had recorded for him only made him feel worse, so he stopped playing them and disregarded those songs entirely for a while. He was spiralling into a crisis over what he wanted the EP to be, what he had to say, whether he was focusing on the wrong parts of himself to expose to the world. And once he had thought himself into a corner, he woke up to a headache and a sore throat.

It wasn't surprising, really, that he had caught Jungkook's cold. More often than not, they gave illnesses to each other within the group. Taehyung had already been sick in Paris, and Namjoon had complained about not feeling his best only just yesterday. But it only made it harder to soldier on. What had first been frustration with his work when it should have been the perfect distraction quickly turned into a lack of motivation to do anything at all. Yoongi woke up feeling listless, spent hours staring at his screen without getting anything done, opened his chat window with Jungkook again and again without typing anything, and felt more gloomy with every day that passed.

Maybe during the first few days back in Seoul he would have talked to Namjoon at least about the work related parts of his struggle, if it had been offered, but when Namjoon showed up at the Genius Lab after about two weeks, Yoongi had gone through too many motions to simply put them into words. Besides, he felt too tired to even try. Talking to Namjoon would probably break the cycle of gloom he found himself in, but even just the thought of it felt exhausting.

Namjoon brought with him a bag full of take out and two packets of banana milk that made Yoongi arch an eyebrow at him immediately.

'You want me to be honest?' Namjoon said from the door in response to his look. He kicked off his shoes and sighed, 'I worry about you. I wouldn't be surprised if you told me you'd been drinking by yourself in here all week, so I brought this instead of a bottle.'

Yoongi contemplated the milk in his hands that Namjoon had handed him first thing after coming in. It was Jungkook's favourite. Jungkook seemed to be everywhere Yoongi looked these days.

'I haven't been drinking,' he said, his voice flat. He hadn't spoken all day and his throat felt hoarse not only due to the slight cold he was nursing. 'Not any more than usual.'

He had thought about it. He had considered his pills, too. It had been so, so tempting to lull himself to sleep that way, or to simply stop thinking for a while and enjoy the buzzing of alcohol as a distraction. But he knew better than that. Paris had to remain an exception that he couldn't repeat quite so soon.

Namjoon nodded in acknowledgement. Years ago, Yoongi had argued with him about feeling too observed, being checked in on too often, as if he needed more help than he was already getting. It had felt exposing whenever Namjoon had been this direct about Yoongi's unhealthy coping mechanisms which he now knew better to control and reflect upon. These days, he was able to appreciate how well Namjoon knew him. It was easy to be transparent with Namjoon about his flaws, because in the long run, he had learned that it helped the group. There was no point in lying.

At least there was no point in lying about all the flaws that didn't include Jungkook.

'I'm glad.' Namjoon threw himself down onto the leather couch Yoongi had spent the night on too many times this week. The take out bag began to leak with dark red sauce at the impact which Namjoon tried to wipe off with his fingers. He placed the bag onto the floor and waited for Yoongi to bring over a roll of tissue before unpacking the food.

'Do I need to ask how the EP is coming along?'

Yoongi shook his head.

'I don't even know anymore. I took a wrong turn somewhere.'

'I figured.' Namjoon placed a bowl of rice into Yoongi's lap after he had sat down next to him. 'But I've told you this before, it's not going to help if you shut yourself away. So let's talk.'

Yoongi broke his chopsticks apart and took another plastic bowl from Namjoon's outstretched hands.

'I wouldn't know where to start.' Even just saying this took effort. Every single word did. Yet, he made himself continue. 'It all felt okay on tour except that I knew I was running behind. Now, nothing works anymore. I'm so damn tired of trying.'

Namjoon studied him for a moment. The way he was balancing his food on his knees concerned Yoongi, but he didn't feel motivated enough to do anything about it, so he only pushed the tissues closer towards him preemptively.

'Hyung. I want you to be honest with me. Is this a work problem or more than that? I know you've been feeling down.'

Two sides were fighting within Yoongi, not only right now, but constantly. The side that appreciated Namjoon like he did no one else, that wanted to spill every last detail of his secrets onto him, that wanted to curl up and let himself be held by Namjoon, accept more gratefully the endless support he was offering him. But then there was also the side that had built deliberate walls around certain parts of himself years ago so that reaching what lay behind them felt almost impossible around anyone but apparently Jungkook these days. It was the side of him that made him instinctively withdraw any time Namjoon came too close to knowing about him.

Yoongi took a deep breath.

'Things haven't been great,' he decided to admit, even when it took too much energy. It would only hurt Namjoon to be lied to this shamelessly, and there was no point in keeping this from him when he already knew. 'I crashed after the tour. I so badly needed time to myself, but then I got too cooped up in here I guess. Every day feels the same. I wake up feeling frustrated knowing I won't get anywhere with the music. It doesn't help that we haven't seen the sun in days.' He took a bite of rice before adding, 'You know it's ups and downs.'

It was a neutral, to the point description of how he had been feeling, but left out the moments of loneliness and regret and the constant ache that he felt thinking of Jungkook's lips on his. He had tried so hard to forget about it that he had ruined his musical progress with all the tension he had brought into it. And now, everything felt broken and he found himself frozen, drained.

'I know it's ups and downs,' Namjoon nodded. 'We all get those, but yours concern me more.'

Yoongi didn't say anything. He wasn't sure whether the reality of how bad his bad days could still sometimes be was something Namjoon had to worry about. Right after their debut, he had probably been right to do so, but these days the desperation and fear he had often felt during those times had turned into something more akin to lethargy or resignation. His medication took the edge off of most of the more scary things he felt, and the work he had done over the years made him feel safe enough.

'Is there a particular reason or is it just one of those weeks? Is it something I can help you with?'

Namjoon's voice was soothing, and it was just what Yoongi needed. So he kept pushing through the fog on his mind and made an attempt at thinking of an honest response. Maybe the particular reason was Jungkook, and maybe he wasn't. Even without him, Yoongi might have fallen into a hole after the first stretch of the tour. But with him, it would have been easier to crawl out of it again.

'Food is good,' Yoongi said, because it was one of the more simple truths. 'Thank you for this. I haven't eaten today.'

'If it's as easy as that then I'm glad.'

Namjoon smiled at him, then nearly knocked his food over when he reached a hand out to his shoulder.

'Hyung. I'm only going to ask you this once.' He was still smiling, but maybe only because whatever he wanted to say was too serious otherwise. 'Is what you're going through the aftermath of a tour you shouldn't have been on?'

The grip Namjoon had on his shoulder was firm, reassuring, but also sought the same.

'Why should I not have been on tour?'

The question came out slowly, after a moment of pause. Yoongi thought he knew what the answer would be, and yet he was surprised when Namjoon sighed, withdrew his hand, and leaned his head back to gather his thoughts for a moment.

'I still wonder,' he said, 'If we made the right choice. In a way, it's my responsibility first to make sure we're all doing this because we want to. I thought that was true when we started off in Seoul. But then, towards the end of it, we all got tired. We all got sick. Ever since we've been back, we've all had so much recovering to do. I no longer know what everyone is thinking. Maybe it's paranoia, but it feels like something is off.'

In some form or shape, Yoongi had heard all of those thoughts before. It was Namjoon's burden that he carried as a leader to constantly be questioning not only himself, but the members as well. And still he hadn't seen it coming just now. He had been so focused on himself, he hadn't considered how their much needed break would make Namjoon doubt himself. He hadn't realised that him not really speaking to Jungkook would impact the group in so many small ways.

'If the tour took too much out of you,' Namjoon continued, 'That's something I need to know. I don't want to bubblewrap you, you never asked for that. But I also don't want to ignore the fact that it took you a lot of work to be doing okay. And I don't want us to make decisions as a group that will jeopardise your wellbeing.'

Yoongi closed his eyes for a moment. Took a breath. He had thought that he had no energy for a conversation, but suddenly what felt more impossible was to be quiet and leave Namjoon alone with his thoughts.

'Joon-ah. The tour was the best thing to happen to all of us. Don't you remember Berlin? Don't you think that was genuine? We all wanted to be right where we were. What's happening right now is that we need a break, that's all.'

Namjoon nodded, but the concern on his face was grave.

'And you personally?'

'Personally, I need to figure some stuff out. But I chose the group and I'll continue to choose it. The tour is not the reason for issues that have been mine ever since I stopped being a kid. But I'll be fine and you know it.'

After another moment of silence, Namjoon finally refocused on his food. It took some of the tension out of the conversation, but only until he asked, 'Does what you have to figure out have to do with Jungkook-ah?'

Yoongi's heart skipped a beat. For a second, he felt his stomach lurch. Of course Namjoon would have noticed. If he asked Jungkook the same question, Jungkook would not have it in him to lie.

'Why?'

Namjoon shrugged, too casual.

'You two grew a lot closer since the summer. He was so excited to spend the break with you, learning how to produce. He told me that was the plan. Now you're here by yourself and he's in Busan. Jimin-ah said he's upset about something he won't talk about.'

Yoongi hadn't thought it was possible to feel even more beat today, but hearing how Jungkook was suffering felt like he was losing his grip when he had been barely holding on to begin with. Again, words flooded his tongue, words he had never said to Namjoon before, but he swallowed them all.

'I'll talk to him,' he mumbled. 'I don't know for sure what's going on, but I know Jungkook-ah was the most scared out of all of us when it came to possibly disbanding. You don't have to worry about him not wanting to be here or not being up for the tour, if that's what you're thinking. If anything, he's probably upset we're on a break.'

It wasn't a real answer, not one to why they weren't spending the break together as planned, but it made Namjoon let out a small laugh and so it was good enough.

'It's just rare that he's upset about something we don't know about.'

Yoongi finally dug his chopsticks into his rice again, if only as a distraction.

'I know you worry about him, but Kook-ah's grown up a lot. He's learning how to be his own person and I think that involves dealing with his own issues sometimes if that's what he prefers. He'll talk when he wants to talk. Just be with him the way you are with me. He doesn't need us the way he did at fifteen, and that's a good thing.'

There was that guilt again. There was Namjoon, worrying about Jungkook the way he should, the way an older brother would, while Yoongi thought of him so differently. While Yoongi had let Jungkook crowd him up against a wall, had fallen apart in his arms, had been so overwhelmed by the intensity of his kiss. Yoongi would never again be able to think of Jungkook as anything but his equal. Not after that night.

He could hardly take it when Namjoon told him he was right. That Jungkook was right in choosing him as someone to stick to on tour. He only waved him off and swallowed against the sickening feeling that rose in him. What would Namjoon say if he knew just how terrible of an influence Yoongi really was? What kinds of thoughts he had put into Jungkook's head? How they had put the future of the group at risk in Paris?

He asked about Mono instead of letting himself spiral. He let Namjoon talk about how positive the reactions had been, about what kind of plans he had for the upcoming weeks. He let himself be distracted and allowed Namjoon to lead the conversation while he ate and tried to let Namjoon in, to engage, to climb out of whatever hole he had dug himself into in a matter of days.

It only worked in the worst of ways though. Somehow, Namjoon's visit, along with his talk of how their schedule would pick up again soon, managed to break Yoongi out of his trance, but it also reminded him of why he had fallen into it in the first place. It felt like he was slowly waking up to a world he had tried to avoid.

He nearly wished he still felt numb when one by one, the members returned, and so did Jungkook. Yoongi found him stealing udon noodles from a pot Jin was attending to the night after Namjoon had come by his studio. Seeing him and realising that despite everything, Yoongi still had to fight a smile at having him back was a relief, but it also made him want to turn in the doorway and hide. Jungkook seemed to have recovered from his cold, and he looked happy enough teasing Jin by stealing more food with his chopsticks until Jin slapped the back of his head with less passion than Jungkook himself would have put into it.

Jungkook ducked, turned, and caught Yoongi staring before he could even pretend to have done otherwise.

'Hey, Hyung,' he said, a smile still on his face, though it was wavering quickly and turned into something more nervous.

Yoongi put on a brave face and ignored the racing of his heart.

'It's good to see you.'

He had to clear his throat and the words came out sounding strange.

'He's being a menace,' Jin complained with a laugh. 'Greedy as if his mum didn't feed him. Look at his face!'

Yoongi only shrugged. Jungkook's cheeks did indeed look full, but he'd be right back to his perfect self after a rehearsal session or two. He'd always been quick to fall back into their routine and get his stamina up to where it should be. Besides, Yoongi liked the glow of indulgence on Jungkook's face. He'd always liked him best like that.

'Are you going to eat with us?' Jungkook asked. He looked uncertain, and Yoongi hated it.

'I ate at the studio,' he lied, which he hated even more. He just didn't know how to sit through an entire meal with Jungkook right now. 'Maybe tomorrow.'

It was Jin who reminded him, 'We'll be at the venue until late. Have you seen the schedule? It's a ten hour block for a performance of ten minutes. Seriously.'

It was nothing but the truth. Yoongi himself had already frowned at the exaggerated timeframe, but that had been before he had learned that Jungkook would perform a song in English with Charlie Puth by himself and had been booked for extended rehearsals. If Jungkook was needed at the venue early, the rest of them would be required there as well, simply to be ready to join him on stage for their own part on short notice. Award shows were always draining as they involved too much waiting around, and if the group was separated for any reason it only made it harder to coordinate their day efficiently.

Yoongi knew all this, and still the waiting got to him the next day. He slept badly which he knew had to do with how Jungkook was right next door for the first time in over a week and all it would take was a few steps and he would be there with him to clear the air. He didn't go, but he also didn't fall asleep for too long, which once more left him feeling tired when really he should have been focused. He tried to take a nap backstage, but each time he had just managed to nod off, he was shaken awake for a quick interview, hair and make up, a group picture, rehearsal, a debrief, another make up check, another picture, another handshake with people he didn't know.

The whole day seemed to drag by too slowly, filled with activities they could have gotten done within two hours if only they wouldn't have had to wait endlessly for each step they took. They waited for the stage to be cleared for them, waited for the venue staff to have their lunch ready, waited for the press to arrive, waited for management to get all information for their debrief. And all the while, the tension prior to their performance only seemed to grow tighter, especially as there were few distractions. They were all nervous, it had always been daunting to step onto a stage that wasn't only theirs for the night, but worst of all was Jungkook.

Every time Yoongi saw him he seemed to be more on edge. He was humming, but not happily the way he did it so often. Instead, he was mouthing lyrics to himself, asked their interpreter for help with his pronunciation, asked Namjoon the exact same question only moments later, and sat with his eyes closed trying to memorise lines he had confirmed he had nailed during rehearsal. All day, Yoongi watched him from afar. It was only moments before they were headed towards the stage that he could no longer stand it.

'You'll do fine, Jungkook-ah,' he said, finally taking a step towards him. 'You're golden, right?'

He placed a hand on his upper arm where he thought it was safe. Jungkook looked down at it, and the surprise that showed on his face hurt almost more than all the hours in which he had only watched him from a distance today. Yoongi made a point of running his thumb over the fabric of his suit jacket for a moment, making the touch more personal, and he watched Jungkook nod, watched his eyes soften just that little bit. But then his name was called and Jungkook was gone, focused on the performance as he should be.

Yoongi hadn't caught his rehearsal earlier. He had tried not to listen whenever he had heard Jungkook singing to himself earlier, so he had no idea what the song Jungkook would perform was about. Maybe if he'd had, the performance that he got to watch on a small screen below the stage where he waited for his own entrance wouldn't have felt like such a punch to the gut.

It was impossible to keep his eyes off of Jungkook from the moment he started singing. Ever since Paris, Yoongi had hardly allowed himself to really look at him, but now he did. He saw Jungkook's face up close as if for the first time ever since they had kissed, and his chest tightened in a strangely sudden and intense feeling of grief. He still couldn't really believe what had happened between them, even when the taste of the kiss still seemed to linger. Every time he thought back to that night it felt more like a dream, though he couldn't decide whether it was a bad one or not. Somehow he couldn't convince himself that it was. Not when Jungkook looked so achingly beautiful. When all Yoongi wanted was to reach out for him.

Yoongi didn't understand everything that Jungkook was singing about, not when the words were in English, but when Jungkook looked right at the camera and repeated one single line over and over again, it was hard not to feel like he was speaking directly to him.

We don't talk anymore.

Jungkook closed his eyes, the camera panned away from him, but Yoongi felt like he still saw him. He was frozen, his chest suddenly so full of desperate regret. Not for their kiss, but for the distance he was allowing to grow between them. They were no longer talking, Jungkook was slipping away from him, and he only had himself to blame for it.

The next time Jungkook appeared on screen it was from a wider angle that made it harder to see his face. Yoongi listened to his perfect ad libs, and then the repetition of that line, again and again to end the song. The crowd was cheering, Yoongi could hear it from behind the stage. Jungkook looked almost shy in the light of it, and the pride that Yoongi felt watching him flickered hopelessly next to all the darkness that suddenly filled him.

He was still processing, was still frozen in place, when the ground beneath him was elevated and the platform he was waiting on pushed him up towards the stage just as it had done during their rehearsal. Through his in ears he heard Namjoon's voice, only briefly, saying, 'Fighting!'. He closed his eyes for a second, then forced himself into a different persona, the one he was on stage.

The group's performance was short and to the point. Their nerves, it turned out, had been futile. In the end, a single choreo of three minutes was nothing they had to worry about. Yoongi himself felt like he got through the song on autopilot, not really taking in a single second of it. He always walked off stage quickly, but this time he made his way to their backstage area so rapidly that he had already ripped his shirt open and was in the process of changing when the other members got there.

He was so, so glad that he was no longer needed anywhere. And that they were in Incheon rather than yet another foreign city where he only had a hotel to retreat to. In his mind, he was already at the Genius Lab, the only place he wanted to be right now. Alone. He tuned out the chatter of the members in the background, ignored the way that they praised Jungkook again and again. Instead he changed in a rush, grabbed his backpack, then sought out their head manager with his eyes in the throng of people crowding the dressing room.

'You're not leaving.'

It was Namjoon's voice, coming from behind his back. Yoongi turned to see him lean against one of the make up stations, a bottle of water in his hand, his shirt unbuttoned to his chest, his jacket already off. There was nothing Yoongi could do to reign in the attitude with which he raised his chin at him, daring him to give him another command.

'I told you I'd make sure you're taking a break in Seoul and this is me doing just that,' Namjoon sighed. He pushed himself off of the little table he had leaned against and took a step towards Yoongi so that they could speak without anyone else overhearing them unless they actively tried. 'Where are you off to?' he asked. 'Genius Lab? To spend yet another night there? You said it yourself, it's not doing you any good.'

All at once, all fight left Yoongi. He felt himself deflate, his shoulders sagged, and his backpack slid down his arm to his wrist from where he dropped it.

'How do you know?'

His voice was weak. He was so, so tired.

'You've been off all day. It's what you do.'

It was what Yoongi did. He hid away until he felt better. He worked. He poured his pain into his music until there was nothing else to say and he could return to his life and start over.

'I have work to do,' he tried, though really he knew it was a lost battle.

'No. You have to sleep. You have to accept the fact that you're not well and stop pushing. I want you to go home and rest. If you want, you can tell me what the hell is going on.'

Yoongi wanted to. He really did.

'Okay,' he said. 'I have nothing new to tell you, but I'll go home.'

Namjoon took another step forwards. Another one. Wrapped his arms around him. It was unusual, but only until Yoongi realised that he turned them just right to push his back towards a camera that was focused on them. Neither of them was wired anymore, and it was too loud for the documentary staff to have caught their conversation without mics. Still, Namjoon was making sure that even Yoongi's face right now, probably pale and tired and teary, remained private.

For a long moment, Yoongi rested his forehead against Namjoon's shoulder. He hadn't done so in too long. But in the end, they were under too much scrutiny where they were, right in the dressing room that was filled to the brim. They broke apart when a make up Noona pushed past them too closely with an apology and a bow.

'Take the first van,' Namjoon said with finality. 'I'll let staff know.'

'Thank you.' Yoongi reached for his backpack again. When he came back up, he said, 'I'll figure this out somehow.'

Namjoon studied him too closely, took a sip of his water.

'If only I knew what this was.'

The laugh Yoongi let out was dry.

'I'll let you know once it makes sense to me.'

Because of course it wasn't only Jungkook. Having feelings for a best friend was painful, complicated, and, especially in their line of work, dangerous. A kiss filled with so much unexpected eagerness didn't make things any easier. Namjoon's hovering and his leader role didn't help, either. The tour didn't. The EP didn't. The lingering depression didn't. But at the root of it all, Yoongi knew that what he had to work through was something else.

It was the secrets he had chosen to keep from the group. It was the separation that he felt from the members as a result. It was the isolation he had forced upon himself and that only Jungkook had managed to break through somehow. Jungkook, the one person he had wanted to keep at a safe distance the most.

Once again, Yoongi left without saying goodbye. The way home from Incheon was longer than he wanted it to be, but in the end, it helped calm him down. By the time he reached the dorm he felt more collected again, though not any more cheerful. He had five more days until they would leave Seoul again. The tour would resume, taking them to Tokyo, Osaka, and Taoyuan before they would end the year with more award shows in Japan and China. If all went as planned, their travels would be extended well into the next year. Maybe they would be back in Paris. Back in Amsterdam. Back in Oakland. He would retrace their steps, and he couldn't do it without knowing he and Jungkook were okay.

Then there was Namjoon, too. With every time that Yoongi lied to him he felt more guilty about it. He had reached a dead end without knowing he had walked towards it. Only a few months ago, knowing there were things the members didn't know about him had felt disappointing, but not impossible. Now, going back to how things had been did feel that way.

Not for the first time, Yoongi imagined what a conversation with Namjoon would be like. He thought about it while he took a brief shower, and then while he lay on his bed with a towel wrapped around his waist and listened to the others coming home in groups of two a short while later. Talking to Namjoon went two ways in his head. Coming out to him was the part that seemed at least a little less scary now that he had already done it once. It was Namjoon. The only thing Yoongi knew he would be upset about was how long he had kept the truth from him.

The other part of the conversation involved how he had kissed Jungkook, how he had let his feelings for him grow until they had become impossible to ignore, and it was not an exchange he thought he would ever have with Namjoon in real life. Even in his head he couldn't come up with a version of Namjoon that wouldn't worry about the group and about Jungkook not knowing what he was doing. Namjoon would always see Jungkook as younger than he really was, what with how wide eyed and dependent he got around him and only him.

Downstairs, the front door opened and closed again. Someone was leaving, and it didn't sound like they were alone. A little while later, someone entered the bathroom on the second floor, right across the hall from Yoongi. Then, Namjoon's door closed, but only after Yoongi heard him stop right in front of his room and linger there for a moment, as if he was contemplating coming inside. Yoongi was glad that he didn't. Most likely, Namjoon had seen the light that was still on and knew that he had made it home. It was enough for tonight.

It had gotten cold in the room, and somehow Yoongi finally managed to get up and get dressed in sweatpants and a sweater to cover up his goosebumps. The dorm had gotten quiet again. It was late and Yoongi was tired, yet his thoughts were still too loud. Without taking the time to second guess himself he made his way downstairs into the kitchen where he filled a glass with ice and a double shot of whisky.

He sat at the bar, his bare feet tucked underneath the cool metal that was supposed to hold them, his palms covered by his sweater as they were still cold. With a sigh, he let his head fall into his hands, his elbows resting on the table. He was getting sick of himself. Of his own whining when really all he had to do was take a step towards people he already trusted and loved. There was no reason to have worked himself into a state the way he had and yet he couldn't bring himself to turn the other way.

The whisky burned in his throat the way he wanted it to. He shook the ice cubes around, took another small sip, then heard footsteps out in the hallway. His guess was for Namjoon to have followed him, but of course things had to be more difficult than that.

Jungkook stopped in the doorway of the kitchen when he saw Yoongi. He had changed after their performance, of course he had, but there was still leftover make up on his face and his hair was just that little bit too shiny. He was barefoot, in an outfit not unlike Yoongi's, soft and homey, even though he clearly hadn't washed up yet.

'Stay.'

Yoongi spoke without thinking when Jungkook considered him for a second, then took a small step back.

'Please, Kook-ah.'

Jungkook pursed his lips, but he stayed where he was.

'I was going to get a drink.'

The bottle of whisky Yoongi was drinking from was still on the bar in front of him and he pushed it towards Jungkook's general direction. It was a clear invitation, but Jungkook was slow to accept it. He looked from between the bottle and Yoongi a few times, then walked up to him only hesitantly.

'Not that kind of drink, really.'

'You don't have to.'

Yoongi had always thought that the new dorm was too large. For years their space had been crammed, being alone with only one of the others had already felt like enough, but now, their voices echoed strangely through the spacious kitchen, especially at night. The only thing that was louder was the silence when Jungkook yet again didn't say anything.

So Yoongi kept drinking while Jungkook simply stood on the other side of the bar and watched him, toying with his sleeves in the palms of his hands while he rested his elbows on the counter. He seemed to be waiting for something that Yoongi didn't know how to give him. He had already apologised, he had taken that first step, so what was next?

'How's your heel?' he eventually asked. Earlier in the dressing room he had seen that Jungkook still wore a rather heavy bandaid, but he moved around as if nothing had ever happened.

Jungkook shrugged.

'And the cold?'

It looked as if Jungkook tried to suppress the way his eyes rolled, but he didn't really manage.

'I heard that you got sick, too,' he at least mumbled. 'That you're not doing well.'

Yoongi cocked his head to the side.

'I heard the same about you. That you're upset.'

This time, Jungkook really did roll his eyes, only he also pushed himself off of the counter with every intention to leave.

'Kook-ah!'

Yoongi leaned forward and snatched his wrist even if he painfully knocked his knee against the bar in the process. Jungkook shook his hand free with little effort.

'How am I supposed to feel? Of course I'm upset! And I don't want to keep pretending nothing ever happened.'

He hadn't really shown it so far, but here it finally was. The anger that Yoongi deserved for withdrawing, for kissing him in the first place, maybe even for never putting any distance between them on tour, but drawing Jungkook even further in when he had known that he shouldn't. He still didn't raise his voice much, but there was something urgent in his tone as if he had waited too long to even say this much.

'You're looking at me to make this right, but I don't know how,' Yoongi admitted. 'I don't know what to do about this.'

'Of course you don't! Because you have no interest in actually talking to me. All you want is to forget about it and for us to magically be fine.'

Yoongi's fingers tightened around his glass. He knew Jungkook was right, but he was also so incredibly wrong. Forgetting about Paris was the furthest thing from his mind.

'I'm sorry I upset you. I'm sorry this happened.'

'I'm not upset about the kiss!' Jungkook's voice did get louder now, but he realised in an instant, turned to make sure they were still alone, then leaned forward onto the bar again. To Yoongi's surprise, his eyes were shiny. 'I thought we would figure things out together. That we'd be fine once we talked. You wanted time so I gave you that, but now that I'm back in Seoul you still won't even really look at me. Instead Namjoon Hyung's saying you've gone back to debut days and now you're drinking by yourself at night. I'm more upset about seeing you like this and us not being close than anything else.'

Back to debut days? It wasn't fair, Yoongi thought, but then he was distracted by the silent tears running down Jungkook's cheeks.

'You never treated me like a child, but now you suddenly act like I can't think for myself?' There was no more heat in his voice now. He only sounded so heartbroken, Yoongi could hardly take it. 'You just made a choice for me, you decided how I'm supposed to feel and then you moved on.'

His voice nearly broke at the end. Yoongi's throat felt tight, he knew he had to say something, but nothing came out. He watched Jungkook reach for his glass and take the last sip of whisky in there. Then he wiped at the tears on his face a little harshly, as if he was angry they were there.

It's me who can't think around you, Yoongi wanted to say, but it was too much. All the truths that were on his tongue would tell Jungkook immediately that it hadn't just been a kiss for him.

'I'm not moving on,' he finally managed. 'I mean, I haven't. I'm just... lost.'

Jungkook's chest rose and fell with a deep breath. He reached for the bottle of whisky, but rather than pouring himself another glass, he merely contemplated it.

'Don't start drinking because you're upset, Kook.'

The look Jungkook gave him was at once sad and judgemental.

'Stop telling me what to do.' He opened the bottle and filled the glass, as if in defiance. 'You're the one drinking. You're the one being depressed and abusing your painkillers. You make it so damn hard to be angry at you when you're being pitiful like that.'

Despite everything, a joyless laugh left Yoongi's lips. He watched Jungkook take a sip of whisky while he let his words sink in. He knew he had to say something, but it took him a while to contemplate his words.

Eventually, he settled on, 'I'm not back to my debut days. I haven't been drinking all week and I only overdid it on those pills once, in Paris. I made a bad choice.' He sighed, leaned his head back and ran a hand through his still damp hair. 'It's been a bad two weeks, I need to find better ways of dealing with things, but I'm not back to square one, even if Joon-ah worries.'

Jungkook considered him for a long moment. He swirled the ice cubes around in the glass, then pushed it away from himself and back towards Yoongi.

'You're not depressed?' he asked, looking down at his hands.

The sigh that Yoongi let out was too deep.

'I was, back then. That will always be a part of me. But my bad days now are nothing like they were years ago.' He reached a hand out to Jungkook and carefully hooked his index finger underneath the hem of his sweater by his wrist. 'And you're not to blame for it, if that's where your mind is at. None of it is your fault.'

The way that Jungkook nodded was enough confirmation that Yoongi needed to know that his instinct had been right. That Jungkook really had been worried. It was all the more reason to finally get his shit together and own up to what they had done. He would finish his drink, go to bed, and figure out a way to heal his relationship with Jungkook. There was no way that he wouldn't.

'Yoongi,' Jungkook said quietly. He was no longer crying, but he still sounded so vulnerable, it was hard not to want to touch him, hug him, reassure him. 'I'm only starting to understand these parts about you that I never knew much about. But I really want to know them. I'm frustrated with you, but I miss you more.'

Yoongi turned his wrist, made sure that his finger slid from the fabric of Jungkook's sleeve to the palm of his hand, touching his skin.

'I miss you too,' he said, his voice again too loud in the empty room. 'I'm truly sorry about how I've been behaving. We'll talk more, okay? We'll sleep well tonight and then we'll do better.'

There was still a hint of uncertainty in Jungkook's eyes when they finally met Yoongi's, flicking up from where they had been focused on their touch, but also something like acceptance.

'I didn't sleep well all throughout the break,' he said. 'It's been a really shitty time.'

'Yeah. I get that.'

It was as simple as that. Because really, Yoongi hadn't made things easy for Jungkook. He still wasn't doing so. There were so many things left unsaid, so many things that Jungkook was hinting at, that he clearly wanted to talk about, but that Yoongi wasn't ready to hear. They would talk about Paris, about how Jungkook really felt about what had happened, but for that conversation Yoongi wanted to be in a better place mentally where he could give Jungkook all of his energy and attention.

'Kook-ah,' he said, 'Thank you for not telling any of the members. I know that can't be easy. If you really want to tell Jimin-ah, I won't hold that against you. Just let me know if you do?'

Jungkook's hand closed, the tips of his fingers brushing against Yoongi's that he still hadn't withdrawn. It wasn't much, but it was deliberate. The closing of space between them.

'I told my brother. I had to talk to someone, but the Hyungs wouldn't be fair to you.'

It felt strange, the truth of how Jungkook's brother now knew secrets about him even Namjoon didn't, but he said, 'Okay. Was he a good person to talk to?'

Jungkook shrugged. 'I don't know. I don't think he really got it. He wasn't mean about it or anything, but he made light of it. I guess he doesn't really know you much.'

'Me?' Yoongi raised an eyebrow in surprise. 'What does that mean? Things can't be light and easy when it's me?'

Even while he said it, he realised that it was a question he didn't really need an answer to. There had always been a certain darkness around Yoongi that the other members simply didn't possess. A kind of seriousness. Something that had made him grow up too soon.

Jungkook dropped his gaze again and shifted from one foot to the other. He bit the inside of his lower lip in contemplation before he said, his voice low, 'You haven't kissed anyone since debut. Neither of us does this often enough to just forget about it, right? It just... Maybe other people would have laughed it off, I don't know. I can't. And I don't think you can, either.'

Yoongi took a deep breath. There was no denying that Jungkook was right, even when he wanted to. He so badly wanted to pretend, but with the way that Jungkook seemed to be thinking about this, there was no way that he could simply make them both move on and never look back.

'I can't,' he admitted. 'That's part of the reason why I told you I wasn't a good choice to make.'

This time, when Jungkook's eyes met his, they were determined.

'But I never said I agreed.'

Yoongi only managed to hold his gaze for another second before he faltered, an embarrassing heat rising up to his cheeks. He only huffed, then knocked back the rest of the whisky Jungkook had poured, finally drawing his hand back.

'Where are the others?'

He cleared his throat. Somehow, everything about their conversation felt too heavy.

'With Taehyung Hyung's friend. Jimin Hyung and Hobi Hyung went with him. I guess the others are asleep.'

And yet again, Jungkook had stayed in. It made sense that Jimin had started to become suspicious and had even talked to Namjoon about it.

It was an innocuous enough subject to distract them both with.

'You know, Namjoon-ah is worried the tour was too much and that we're all second guessing the contract.'

'What? Why?'

Not innocuous enough, apparently. Not when it involved Namjoon. Jungkook seemed too alert too quickly which almost made Yoongi bite down on a resigned smile.

'Because everyone's taking a break. No one's really hung out here for days.'

Because they hadn't been talking. He didn't want to say it and feel Jungkook's judgemental look on him again. He was well aware that it was his fault that things had become so tense and that it had started to affect the other members, if subconsciously.

'But he hasn't, either,' Jungkook frowned. 'He's been doing stuff for Mono.'

'I know. He probably doesn't put these kinds of thoughts onto you very often, but he worries more than you think. He can get a bit obsessive over whether everyone's doing alright.'

'Because I'm a kid and can't handle it,' Jungkook sighed, rolling his eyes again. 'Of course.'

Yoongi only shrugged.

'What do you expect, Kook-ah? For him to cry to his Maknae about his leader responsibilities? I get that you don't want to be babied, but you treat your Hyungs a certain way just like we do it with you, no? There's no way around that sometimes.'

'You don't.' Jungkook's response came too quickly. 'I feel like I'm from '93 sometimes, when I'm with you.'

The smile Yoongi had bitten down on tugged at the corner of his mouth again.

'Don't let the others know you think you're their elder.'

'Shut up.'

Finally, Jungkook was smiling, too. Not in the way that made his nose scrunch up and his eyes shine, but it was good enough. Even when it faded too quickly.

'He cries? Really?'

Yoongi shook his head, but only a little. It wasn't like he had never seen Namjoon cry before.

'Figure of speech.'

'Well, he has no reason to worry, right? You think anyone is actually reconsidering?'

There was a certain kind of caution in Jungkook's question that was posed so casually, but held too much concern.

'No, I don't. I think Joon-ah is reading too much into the fact that touring will always be exhausting, for all of us.'

Jungkook nodded, as if to himself.

'Yeah. I guess. I still can't wait to go back.'

'I know.'

There was so much relief at being able to smile at him again. Even if it didn't feel perfectly carefree yet, even if there were things they were avoiding, at least they were talking again. At least there were other things to discuss than Paris and how badly it had thrown them both off track.

Still, they didn't stay up much longer. Their conversation dwindled again after they lingered on the subject of the tour for a little while and where it would take them next. It felt normal enough. Just the two of them hanging out at night, the way they had done so many times over the last few months.

And still, when they waved each other goodnight in the hallway upstairs a short while later, it was a black and white version of how they had parted on tour. How Jungkook had clung to him at night, had never wanted to leave his room. Had suggested they sleep together. Instead of that, he closed his door on Yoongi now, gently, but still leaving him with a feeling of regret.

Chapter Text

All throughout the next day, Yoongi considered texting Jungkook and asking him to come join him at the Genius Lab once they were done with the fan sign they had scheduled. Working on the music was what their original plan had been for the break, the break Yoongi wasn't really taking, but even when they had taken a step towards each other last night, it still felt like too much. Besides, Yoongi was running too far behind on his schedule, and with Jungkook there, he would no doubt be distracted.

The thought of Jungkook alone was just as much of a distraction on his mind though. He kept imagining his reaction to songs Yoongi was messing around with, how excited he would get, how curious and eager to learn he would be if he were there to watch Yoongi work. In the end, he leaned back in his desk chair at the studio and listened to the demos again with his eyes closed.

The day wasn't productive for the EP, but at least Yoongi finally left the Genius Lab with a new save file on his desktop. He had spent hours mixing Jungkook's vocal tracks, turning them into a choir like ensemble that didn't fit the vibe of Yoongi's music at all, but that had at least managed to break him out of the trance he had been in for days. At least he had worked. He had been creative.

He made a point of not avoiding Jungkook throughout the next few days, but apparently it wasn't enough effort. Their lives in Seoul didn't overlap enough naturally for them to cross paths all that often when they didn't have a schedule. Now that Jungkook was no longer sick, he met up with his friends, went to the gym, scheduled a few doctor's appointments, and took vocal lessons to get ready for the next stretch of the tour. Yoongi only exchanged a few words with him whenever they saw each other at the dorm, but it was always while one of them was leaving.

Shortly before they were scheduled to leave for Japan, Namjoon finally managed to get the group together at a small restaurant reminiscent of their time as trainees. A week ago, the prospect of a dinner would have drained Yoongi, but strangely enough, he felt his energy return with the knowledge that they had shows to play again soon. The moment that he took in the members that were already gathered around a large table when he arrived last, he felt the first real flicker of happiness in weeks.

There was room left next to either Jungkook or Hobi. He hesitated only for a brief moment before he sank down onto the available chair next to Jungkook. If they were to return to normal somehow, what better way was there to start than to choose him over everybody else? Than to consciously find his personal space again?

Jungkook didn't immediately acknowledge him, but Yoongi caught him smiling down at the menu in his hand a moment later. It was stupid, but Jungkook had always been easy to please. It was one of the things Yoongi loved about him. He was so easily excitable, so intent on being happy whenever he could be. Jungkook saw the good in things even when Yoongi still felt like their interactions were somewhat dimmed. They were too damn cautious with each other.

They hardly touched. Before Paris, Jungkook would have leaned into him, maybe their knees would have pressed against each other underneath the table under the pretence of casualty even when Yoongi would have thought about nothing else. That night, it only happened once, when Yoongi placed a chunk of meat onto Jungkook's plate because it looked too good for him not to have it. He who would enjoy it the most. It was then that Yoongi felt them touch where no one could see, felt Jungkook's knee brush against his thigh only for a short moment of appreciation.

Yoongi's glass kept being refilled without him having to ask for it. Every time Jungkook reached for the soju across the table, he did it for both of them. Yoongi ate too many sprouts when Jungkook realised they were too bland for him to enjoy. Near midnight, Jungkook leaned in too close to ask for the time when he had his phone in his pocket and could have easily checked.

But other than that, they hardly talked. Taehyung was to Jungkook's right and he was loud tonight, a little drunk after a while, keeping everyone entertained together with Namjoon who was trying just that little bit too hard to make sure everyone was having a good time. They talked about the upcoming shows, but it didn't feel like work. It felt like coming home somehow, after two weeks of being separated from each other.

At the end of the night, Yoongi had to fight disappointment when he watched Jungkook enter a taxi together with Jimin and Taehyung rather than looking around and searching for him the way he had started to do on tour. Even when they would have probably sat in silence, Yoongi would have wanted it. Every time he saw Jungkook these days, he felt himself ache for him. Sitting next to him for hours at the restaurant without being giving much attention, without interacting much with him at all, felt all wrong.

It was that nagging feeling of missing a part of him, and knowing that he himself was responsible for all that distance, that made him finally give up. They had been in Tokyo for three days, had just finished their first out of two shows in the city, and the adrenaline running through Yoongi's body hadn't left him yet. He felt wide awake once they were back at the hotel, and for once, he wasn't eager to use that energy to work.

He was in his room, hoping to hear that knock he had gotten so used to. Without realising it, he had let Jungkook's nightly visits become regular. It was their first night on tour since Paris, and Yoongi found himself waiting without meaning to. It took him a full hour to realise that that was what he was doing. That there was a reason why he hadn't gotten ready for bed yet or found something else to do.

And so, against all reason, he grabbed his keycard and his phone and made his way down the hall. He didn't even know which room number was Jungkook's. Always being aware of where he would be sleeping, how far away from him he was, was something that had started so gradually throughout their weeks in Europe, Yoongi hadn't even noticed it until now that he had no idea anymore. It was really too late to knock against the door of the room he knew their head manager was in, but he did it anyways, bowing deep with an apology as he asked for the list of room numbers she had shown them earlier.

Jungkook, it turned out, was only two rooms down the hall from him. And he wasn't ready for bed yet, either. When he opened the door, he was in the same homey clothes he wore at the dorm. Yoongi noticed right away that he was still wearing light make up though, and that behind him a camera was set up to show the desk where a laptop was opened.

'You're filming?' Yoongi asked, lingering in the doorway.

'A bit. They told me they had too little content of me aside from the official schedules.'

Yoongi huffed. He'd been told the same thing before they had set off for Japan. It made sense that it was both of them. They had been together too much without giving the documentary a single thought.

'Same here. I'm still not going to film in my hotel room. It's none of their business.'

Jungkook shrugged.

'I'm just making something up. Gaming.'

'Smart. No effort.'

Jungkook nodded, then looked around a little helplessly.

'Are you here to come in or did you want something?'

It was the last out that Yoongi was offered. He could have said that he was looking for the charger he had given to Jin earlier, but he didn't.

'Let's hang out?'

It came out as a question which Yoongi hadn't intended. He truly hated how much Jungkook was able to throw him off. He also managed to do the opposite. He inspired him, he made him feel more balanced and like he knew who he was, but that had been before the kiss. Before he had fucked up their friendship by withdrawing the way that he had.

Jungkook's chest rose with a deep breath. Yoongi cursed himself for how he would never not notice when he wore a shirt that wasn't too big on him for once, but it was impossible to control. All he could hope for was for Jungkook not to notice. He wordlessly stepped to the side at Yoongi's offer, but there was a small smile playing on his lips.

'I had to ask for your room number,' Yoongi complained as he came in and walked past Jungkook straight towards the bed. 'I felt like a Sasaeng.'

Behind him, Jungkook let out a laugh.

'Is it bad then that I know yours?'

Yoongi sat down at the edge of the bed from where he took in the way that Jungkook bit his lower lip right after speaking, as if he regretted his words.

'How?' he asked anyways.

Jungkook shrugged and ran his hands over his arms. He was in a t-shirt that the room was too cold for.

'I don't know. I got used to checking when we get the sheet.'

Yoongi averted his gaze when he felt his cheeks warm up. It was becoming too much of a habit around Jungkook.

'Is this thing still on?' he asked, indicating the camera on the desk.

'No. I knew it would be you, so I turned it off.'

Yoongi nodded to himself. Everything Jungkook said seemed to be an invitation for their conversation to deepen, to no longer avoid the obvious, but Yoongi chose to ignore it.

'What are we drinking in Tokyo?' he asked instead.

Jungkook considered him, then gave the room a quick once over.

'Probably Sake. But there's no fridge.'

It was true. The hotel they were in didn't offer a mini bar like they had gotten used to in the West.

'Let's buy some tomorrow,' Jungkook continued. 'Unless you wanna go out now?'

But Yoongi shook his head. It was one thing to walk around Amsterdam at night without security being aware, but Japan was more dangerous. More crowded for one thing, but also less anonymous for them. It was unlikely that they would run into trouble, and yet Yoongi didn't feel like risking it. Besides, it was nerve wrecking enough to be alone with Jungkook again. He didn't need the adrenaline of rule breaking on top of it.

'Tomorrow sounds like a plan. I'll get you Japanese gimbap, too.'

The way that Jungkook's eyes widened with happiness made Yoongi smile.

'That's why you're my favourite.'

He said it so easily, so carelessly even, Yoongi almost wanted to wave it off. But then Jungkook turned towards the window a little too suddenly. He was well aware that what he had said wasn't as easy now as it had been a few weeks ago.

From where he was on the bed, Yoongi watched Jungkook's back that was now turned towards him. Despite how they were both trying, there was a tension in his shoulder blades that Yoongi wished he could take from him.

'Am I, still?'

It was a stupid thing to ask and he didn't really expect Jungkook to take it seriously. Every time he had said this in the past it had obviously been an exaggeration of affection. There were no favourites within the group. There were only the seven of them.

It took a moment, but then Jungkook sighed, 'Yeah.' He turned back around. 'Still.' Their eyes met only briefly before he added, 'But only if you stay a bit tonight, even without the drinks.'

'Alright.'

They were both silent then. Jungkook turned back towards the window and Yoongi watched him from behind. It took a long time before he realised that his reflection was right in Jungkook's field of vision and that he was watching him right back. That he had been caught looking for too long. He let himself fall backwards onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling, taking a deep breath. Then he got up.

He deliberately chose to stand too close to Jungkook, right next to him so that they were both looking out over Tokyo now. The view wasn't particularly impressive, just lights and city life continuing without them too far below.

'I want us to be okay,' Yoongi said, even when Jungkook had already told him it wasn't going to magically happen. He made himself lean a little to the side so that their arms touched. 'Not just for the group's sake, or for the tour. I didn't expect us to suddenly grow so close, but it hurts to travel and not have you near me now.'

Yoongi's heart was racing too hard. All these moments that he'd had with Jungkook lately were moments he'd never thought the two of them would share. Even aside from Paris, he had never thought he and Jungkook would learn to gravitate towards each other like this, that Jungkook would ever want to be close to him this way. He'd never thought he would admit even just a little bit of how he felt about Jungkook.

'It wasn't sudden,' was Jungkook's mumbled response. 'It's been four months since we started this tour.'

Yoongi didn't know what to say to that. He opened his mouth, then only let out a small laugh at how stupidly argumentative Jungkook's words had been.

'Kook-ah,' he muttered. 'I'm trying.'

He felt Jungkook lean into him a bit more.

'I know. Sorry.'

With their bodies touching, the world suddenly felt a little more right again. Yoongi watched the cars on the road far below, little specks of moving light. Then he watched their reflection, the two of them standing so close. Jungkook had grown. He was quite a bit taller than Yoongi these days.

'You should tell me some time,' he almost whispered, 'How you really feel about Paris. Why you think it happened. I know I'm letting you down here, I just...'

'It's okay,' Jungkook cut him off. 'At least you're here. We'll talk about it when we talk about it, yeah?'

It sounded rehearsed. Like something Jungkook wanted to believe.

'Listen, Kook. I don't know when you started being interested in guys, but for me, my entire teenage years were complicated by that fact. It changed friendships, all the secrecy wasn't easy to navigate, and there was a lot of other shit that came with it. I'm okay with it now, I learned to be, but this whole subject... It just brings up a lot of memories and regrets and I'm struggling to even comprehend that you're a part of this world now that has been so difficult for me to figure out in the past.'

It was a start. A version of the truth that didn't involve a confession about how for Yoongi, Jungkook had been a vital part of this world for months, even before the tour.

Jungkook was looking at him through the reflection in the window. Their hands touched, but Yoongi didn't reach for his.

'I'm sorry I'm so slow to understand this.' Jungkook's voice was so soft when he spoke. 'It's never been that way for me. When I first dated in Seoul, you guys bought me meals for a week because you were so proud.'

Those days felt like a different world sometimes. They had all been so young, so stupid, so eager to cheer for anything at all because there had been too little time to live. Yoongi's heart hadn't been Jungkook's then, so every memory he had of him when he'd been younger felt like it was of a different colour, yet so obviously him.

'I've never talked to anyone about who I've been with in the past.'

Jungkook turned his head to the side to look at him. Yoongi could see it in the window.

'You did with me.'

'Yeah,' Yoongi nodded. 'I did.'

He didn't know what else to say. He felt their hands touching still, but didn't move. If he took Jungkook's hand, it wouldn't be enough, anyways. What he wanted was to wrap his arms around him, to breathe him in, to feel his entire body press against his.

'I'm glad you did.'

Yoongi was, too. Despite how it had led to where they were right now, so awkwardly processing the last few weeks, he was still glad that Jungkook was the one person who knew. He was about to say so when Jungkook surprised him by asking, 'If I showed you music I've been working on, would you help me with it?'

It was both a redundant question and a change of subject Yoongi hadn't expected.

'Of course. Yeah. You worked on it over the break?'

Jungkook nodded.

'I wrote some lyrics.'

Yoongi didn't want to ask what had inspired him to write. He knew from how he had said it that his source of inspiration hadn't been unrelated to what remained unsaid between them. Maybe they could put Jungkook's lyrics over the pathetic choir of his vocals Yoongi had built and create their personal soundtrack to the aftermath of Paris. Although it had never been supposed to be something that dark and serious. Kissing Jungkook should have come in brighter colours.

'If you need advice with lyrics, it's Namjoon-ah you should go to. Or maybe... I don't know, should he see them?'

It was as much information as he needed, really, when Jungkook shrugged.

'Probably not, to be honest. But I mostly need help with matching them to instrumentals.'

'Are you asking me to build a beat for a song about how much you hate me?'

When Jungkook laughed, his shoulder pressed closer to Yoongi.

'I'm no good at that kind.'

'So it's a ballad.'

'It's nothing yet. It's a few lines about how fucking confused you have me. That's all.'

He sighed, and Yoongi had to close his eyes for another moment. They were both trying, he realised. This wasn't only his own effort that was bringing them back together.

'Well. Right back at you.'

He said it quietly, but in the silence of the hotel room he knew that Jungkook had heard. He thought about saying more, but before he could do so, they were both distracted by a knock on the door. Jungkook immediately turned, not at all startled.

'Jimin-ah?' Yoongi asked.

'Room service.'

'We ate at the venue.'

Jungkook gave him a pouty look from the door before he opened it. Yoongi listened to his broken Japanese with a smile, watched him bow, then come back into the room.

'You're not getting any,' Jungkook announced. 'If you think I'm so greedy.'

But of course he ended up sharing. They put on a film and leaned against the headboard of the bed with containers of food in both their laps. Yoongi wasn't really hungry, but he ate whenever Jungkook shoved his chopsticks into his face and urged him to try another bite. It felt almost normal to be together again. Jungkook was mindlessly commenting on the film and the food and Yoongi was content to watch him and let his thoughts wander.

They weren't exactly pressed close together on the bed, but every now and then their ankles touched, or their thighs, their arms, their hands when they exchanged food. Being near Jungkook like this, it was almost impossible not to think about the last time they had touched. Not the either fleeting or too tender touches of the last few days, but when they had been so wrapped up in each other that Yoongi had lost himself in it. For two weeks he had tried his very best not to think back on that night, especially not in any way that would make him want to repeat it, but as he watched Jungkook's profile, he allowed himself a brief moment of remembering.

He still had no idea how Jungkook had learned to kiss so well. Maybe it was the impossible bias that he held about him, but Yoongi didn't remember ever falling into a kiss like that. The alleyway, the slight drunkenness of it, the sudden and desperate intensity of things had been familiar, but not the way his body had reacted. Not at all. It was the memory of how Jungkook's body had felt, how he had hardened against him, that made Yoongi reign in his thoughts again.

Still, for a moment he couldn't help but wonder when exactly they had decided that it would only happen once. Yoongi had known right away, he had known before their lips had even touched, but Jungkook had never said anything about once, or just tonight, or just wanting to try. It had taken two weeks, but as he watched Jungkook from the side, as he fought the desire to reach out to him, he finally acknowledged that maybe, if it weren't for his own denial, there was a chance that they could repeat that night in Paris. Not the later hours at the hotel when he had felt sick to his stomach, but the moments behind that club.

If he leaned over now, if he asked for it, would it be unwanted? Or would Jungkook maybe reach for him, too? Among all the versions of the future they could build, was there one in which it happened again? And then maybe again and again? A version in which they shared hotel rooms not only late at night, but officially? A version in which the members were well aware, and in which they would kiss good morning and good night?

But it was useless to think about it. It only made his skin prickle, made his whole body ache. He knew what the consequences of drawing Jungkook into this would be, and he knew that it was wishful thinking that made him even entertain the possibility. So he brought his thoughts back to tonight. Jungkook's knee pressed against his own when he shifted a little and Yoongi realised that he hadn't reached for food in his lap in a while, so he began to place the containers onto the nightstand one by one. Jungkook didn't protest.

He'd ordered way too much again and was now patting his stomach with a satisfied look on his face. Yoongi could only shake his head at him. They'd had a buffet at the venue and had only spent an hour at the hotel before Yoongi had come to find him, so the time between dinner and ordering food again had been short.

'How did you know it was me?'

Jungkook tore his gaze away from the TV when Yoongi spoke.

'Huh?'

'How did you know it was me and not the food when I came here?'

The way that Jungkook averted his gaze again, too quickly, was almost as endearing as the way that the tips of his ears turned red.

'I don't know,' he mumbled. 'I just knew.'

A part of Yoongi wanted to push it, but another part was too aware of how many secrets he himself kept from Jungkook that he wouldn't want to admit to, and how dangerous it was to be playing this game with him. So he dropped it. Instead he scooted a little closer to him, as close as he could get, and snuck his arm around him, his hand coming up to his neck to encourage him to rest his head against his shoulder the way he had done so many times during the last few weeks.

Jungkook followed his invitation, but it felt different from how it had before. His body still fit against his side just the same, his cheek pressing against Yoongi's shoulder, his hair tickling his neck, but Yoongi was too aware of his proximity now. Too aware of how much closer they could still be. He had always felt that he had explored all the ways in which he could be with Jungkook. That he knew him as well as he would ever know him. Everything else that he wanted from him had been safely stored away and had not been a part of their friendship.

Now, it felt as if an invisible camera had zoomed away from what they knew, and Yoongi was staring at a realm full of possibilities he had never known were there. Ahead of them lay so much empty space to fill that every touch, every moment that they spent together suddenly felt charged. It wasn't something Yoongi wanted, there was that familiar guilt in his chest when he realised how nervous Jungkook made him, but it was nothing he could control.

Leaning against him, Jungkook began to toy with the bunched up fabric of Yoongi's sweatpants in the crease of his slightly bent knee. He was still looking at the screen but had stopped commenting on the film. Maybe he had stopped paying attention, too. Yoongi leaned forward just a little until his nose brushed Jungkook's hair. He took a deep breath, took in the scent of product, like a snapshot of their backstage areas about an hour before a show. Jungkook had clearly washed up after the concert, but maybe he hadn't gotten to his hair yet. Whenever he went through a phase of hiding away at the dorm for a few days without stepping outside, it was his hair that he neglected the most. No matter how much he liked being clean, washing his hair seemed to always wear him out.

Yoongi's gaze dropped down when he felt Jungkook's fingers drawing small circles into his thigh, right above his knee. It wasn't much, just a touch, maybe even a distracted one, as Jungkook's eyes were still focused on the TV, but somehow it felt intentional. Yoongi's own hand was loosely resting on Jungkook's upper arm where he now began to run his thumb over the thin fabric of his shirt in a similarly slow pattern.

It all felt a bit like an apology for all the distance that had come between them so quickly. But it didn't feel like regret, or like they were putting Paris behind them in any other way, and Yoongi didn't know what to do with it. So he just sat and focused on the way their fingers moved without trying to understand it. He sat and listened to the characters on TV talk about things he didn't care about even when Jungkook had picked something he had claimed Yoongi would love. It was probably his lack of attention that was the problem, not Jungkook's choice.

He sat for so long that he forgot that there was a world around them that wasn't asleep. That there were people who were just as nocturnal as Jungkook was. He was only reminded of it when there was another knock on the door. One that didn't sound at all careful, but sure of the fact that Jungkook would be awake and eager to hang out.

Yoongi knew that it would be Jimin in a heartbeat. So maybe Jungkook knowing it had been him earlier wasn't as meaningful as he had made it out to be for a moment.

It had to be Jimin, yet Jungkook didn't move at first. He looked over to the door, then back at the TV as if he could pretend nothing had happened. Another knock came, and Jungkook groaned, then finally moved. It was only then that Yoongi realised how much his shoulder was aching from keeping his arm outstretched for so long. He rolled it a few times as he watched Jungkook scuffle to the door, still without any haste. He got there right on the third knock.

'I was starting to think you were asleep,' were Jimin's first words. 'What are you up to?'

The sound of the door closing made Yoongi feel annoyed in a way that wasn't fair and that he'd never felt towards the members before. Jungkook's time and presence weren't Yoongi's to claim. To be alone together wasn't something he could demand or expect. So he gave a lazy wave and tried a smile when Jimin walked into the room.

'Hyung!' Jimin grinned. There was a hint of surprise in his voice, but not an unpleasant one. He turned towards Jungkook to say, 'Honestly, the fact that Hyung's missing out on precious hours of sleep or work to hang out here is sweet, don't you think? He's never done that for me.'

Yoongi only rolled his eyes. It was true that he generally went to bed earlier than Jungkook, except for the occasional all nighter at the studio, but he felt certain that most of the population did. Instead of saying anything, he rolled his shoulder again to get rid of the ache that was settling there. His eyes met Jungkook's while Jimin now took in the TV and asked, 'What are you watching?'

There was something private in Jungkook's eyes, something Yoongi felt sure was meant only for him. Something that said he didn't like this either, and it immediately made all the annoyance he had felt disappear.

'Have you seen it?' Yoongi asked when Jimin recognised the film they had put on while he kept rolling his shoulder. Jungkook didn't seem to be eager for small talk, so Yoongi filled the silence for him. Or rather, Jimin did when he shook his head and started to talk about a drama he was currently watching instead. He was still standing by the TV, but Jungkook now came back over to the bed. He sat down on the edge and reached a hand out to Yoongi's shoulder where he dug his thumb right into the muscle that usually bothered him the most. Yoongi had no idea how he knew, but he almost let out a moan at how good the pressure felt.

'You didn't say you were in pain.'

It was a little rude, really, how Jungkook was ignoring Jimin and his rambling. Instead, he was focused on Yoongi as if the two of them were still alone.

'It's not bad,' Yoongi managed. He was breathing through the wonderful ache Jungkook's fingers sent through his upper body, feeling as if he was about to crumble under it.

'It'll be good for you that the shows be will be more spaced out now,' Jimin noted. 'More time to recover in between.'

Yoongi felt the mattress dip when Jimin sat down on the other side of him. Or rather, he spread himself out on his back, looking up at the ceiling while his legs dangled from the side of the bed. It was a testament to how much time he and Jungkook spent with each other that he didn't seem to care that Jungkook wasn't paying him much attention.

'With all the award shows we have coming up, there won't be much rest,' Yoongi said.

'True, but performing a song or two is different from a three hour show.'

'It's worse,' Yoongi muttered. 'I hate award shows.'

Jimin laughed.

'I know you do. But for your shoulder it'll be good. That's all I'm saying.'

Yoongi couldn't argue with that, and so he only hummed. The pressure that Jungkook was putting onto his muscles eased up a little and he mouthed a thanks in his direction.

It was Jimin asking, 'Do you wanna see a video from tonight's show?' that finally got Jungkook's attention. He nodded and moved to lay on his belly so that his face was now close to Jimin's and he could see the screen of his phone that Jimin was typing on. Yoongi had never been particularly interested in watching their own performance this closely afterwards, and so he stayed where he was, propped up against the headboard, looking at them both.

He could only imagine that this was how Jimin and Jungkook usually hung out with each other. Watching videos on their phones, commenting on small choreo flaws or missed notes. Even if Yoongi had seen them huddling close to each other many times before, on backstage couches or the backseat of a van or even at the dorm, their touches weren't charged. There was none of that tension. At least not from where Yoongi could tell. It was how it was supposed to be. Easy.

He watched them for a while, but when Jimin began to talk about the drama he had mentioned once again and tried to talk them into putting on the first episode, he shook his head. It was late enough for his sleeping pattern to suffer once more, and he was finally beginning to feel exhausted. So he got up even when Jimin didn't do the same and Jungkook didn't seem to be averse to watching more TV. He walked around the bed, waved good night to Jimin, then ran his hand over Jungkook's socked foot once, his thumb rubbing over his ankle. It was all he could do to give him the moment of attention he deserved. To make sure that he knew that Yoongi wasn't going to stop touching him this time.

...

It was strange how quickly they fell back into their routine of playing shows, but at the same time Yoongi thought it was comforting. When he came off stage the second night in Tokyo, it already felt as if they had been on the road again for weeks. The process of changing, their physios helping to relax aching muscles, ice packs and water bottles being handed around, stylists packing up their stations, and management coordinating their departure was usually the same every night they were on stage, and Yoongi found himself giving in to the repetitive blur of it easily.

He got into the van that was waiting for him and Hobi, closed the door, and leaned his head against the headrest with a sigh.

'Two nights wasn't enough for Tokyo,' he realised.

Hobi looked up from his phone, stretched his right leg out into the legroom in front of the middle seat, and hummed in agreement.

'I already wanna go back in and do it all over again.'

It was what Yoongi loved most about being on tour. The fact that they all agreed on how much they loved playing shows. Whatever happened around those few hours at night, however miserable tour life could be, it didn't matter. They all felt the same way about being on stage.

'Tell Namjoon-ah that,' he said. 'He worries.'

'I know,' Hobi nodded. 'He talked to me about it, too. Apparently things were a little strange over the break? To me it feels like we came right back to ourselves the moment we left for tour again.'

Yoongi only made a vague sound of agreement. With Hobi having been gone the entire break, he couldn't have picked up on the strange and sudden distance between him and Jungkook, or it impacting the others. He didn't need to know, either, Yoongi thought. He took out his own phone when the car began to slowly bring them onto the main road that would lead them towards their hotel when Hobi began texting again.

'You miss her?' he asked as he swiped away notifications. Most of them were work related emails while Hobi was likely texting his girlfriend all about how the show had gone.

Hobi gave him a look that Yoongi only caught when he looked up, confused by the silence.

'It would be sad if I didn't, no?'

'I guess. I don't know.'

'Hyung,' Hobi grinned, 'Once this EP is done I'm taking you out to a bar.'

Yoongi only scoffed.

'And what exactly would happen there? I'd meet a cute girl that I'd take to some anonymous hotel room because my home is occupied by the six of you. Then I'd give her paperwork to sign, check her things for cameras and recording devices, pay hotel staff for their silence, talk to management afterwards just in case, and all for what? An orgasm?'

Hobi's laughter was too bright given that what Yoongi had just exaggerated wasn't too far from reality. He was well aware that there were ways, but not for him. Hobi couldn't know that, but still. It was ridiculous to expect him to put energy into dating when there was hardly any left to see his friends once a month or call his family.

'You say it like it wouldn't be worth it,' Hobi mused. 'I just spent two weeks with my girlfriend and was reminded of what I'm missing out on.'

Yoongi raised a lazy eyebrow at him.

'Yeah? That makes one of us I guess. I'm doing just fine.'

'Because you forgot what it's like.'

'You know, I'm not the only one in this group that's not dating. Go and pester someone else.'

Again, Hobi laughed. He placed a hand on Yoongi's thigh and pinched it playfully.

'I'm kidding, Hyung. I'm just saying that maybe a bit of a distraction would do you good.' Yoongi heard the change in his voice and knew what was coming before he even continued. 'Joon-ah said you had a rough time over the break?'

He groaned and leaned his head back once more.

'It wasn't exactly a break for me, was it?' he argued. 'I had a shit ton of work to do while you got laid on Jeju. This EP is more stressful than I expected, that's all.' He leaned his head to the side, then sighed when he caught the honest look on Hobi's face. He was only worried. There was nothing to get upset about. So he added, 'I promise I'm fine. It's true that things weren't great, but you know how it sometimes is. I just wake up and feel listless. But I worked through it.'

Hobi nodded, something like acceptance spreading on his face.

'It's strange,' he said, 'That touring both helps you and doesn't. When we left in August, it was the tour that threw you off. Now it's the tour that's making things better.'

'What's strange is that you're all watching me like that. It's creepy and unnecessary.'

He gave Hobi a smile though. He wasn't wrong. Yoongi hated the jet lag, the traveling, waking up in a different city every few days, but what was worse was holing himself up at the studio like he had done over the break. Right now, the tour was what he had needed to break out of his gloomy mood. And the fact that they were only a short way from home this time helped.

In his hand, his phone lit up and caught his attention once more. It was easy because it was Jungkook's name that had appeared on the screen. He opened the messenger and took in the preview of the Naver link he had sent him. It was an image of a bar, seemingly only a few blocks away from their hotel.

Sake, Jungkook texted, without anything else.

For a moment Yoongi considered saying no, but there was simply no good reason to. He didn't feel as jet lagged and drained as he constantly had during their overseas leg of the tour, and he also was no longer intent to stay away from Jungkook. Neither did he feel like isolating himself. So he sent him a thumbs up and locked his phone again.

A bar was different from a hotel room, but Yoongi wasn't sure whether it was better or worse. Spending time with Jungkook in public would be less intense, probably, less intimate. Maybe Yoongi's thoughts wouldn't drift off to how much could happen if he leaned in a little. But at the same time, a bar was what had been their downfall in Paris. A bar meant drinks and music and potentially dancing. It meant lowered inhibitions and leaning in close over the noise of the night.

But in the end, none of it mattered, because they didn't end up going alone. A strange sense of disappointment filled Yoongi when, once they were all gathered at the hotel, Jungkook announced that Namjoon wanted to join them. He did it loudly enough for management to hear, and they only just got out of having to go with a staff member for security. Still, it was no longer just the two of them, and when they left, Hobi got added to their group for 'One single drink' as he kept repeating.

'What about '95? What's better than a night out in their eyes?' Yoongi asked as they walked towards the bar. He and Jungkook were already falling behind the other two.

'Bothering Jin Hyung,' Jungkook said with a grin. 'Did he tell you about his break?'

Yoongi shook his head. He hadn't really spent much time with Jin lately, for no particular reason other than that on tour both of them usually retreated to their rooms at night to recharge by themselves.

'He told us something about a girl back home. A childhood friend that he hung out with last week. Jimin Hyung and Tae Hyung invited themselves to his room to make him say more about it.'

It was exactly this kind of bothersome curiosity that had Yoongi amazed that neither of them had apparently found out about Jungkook and him yet. On their own, neither Jimin nor Taehyung were a particular nuisance, but together they were endearingly unbearable. Another wave of gratitude for how Jungkook was keeping his mouth shut hit him, and he let their shoulders brush together as they walked.

'Good for you, hanging out with the Hyung squad,' he said. 'Look at you, being all mature.'

Jungkook bumped into him hard and on purpose.

'And look at you on the opposite end of that for once.'

'True,' Yoongi grinned. He hadn't seen much of Jungkook on his own today and annoyingly enough he felt almost giddy at being able to exchange a few words with him without anyone listening in. 'So you think Jin Hyung is dating?'

'I don't know. Apparently this friend told him she has feelings for him, but nothing happened. That's all I know.'

'Good thing it's Jin Hyung. He'll be nice about it.'

'What do you mean?'

Yoongi shrugged.

'I don't know. There's a lot at stake when you confess to a friend.'

'Have you done it before?'

The question came out naturally enough, but Yoongi could see Jungkook bite his lip when he looked to the side.

'No.'

Jungkook only nodded. He had his eyes fixed on Namjoon now who was walking a few feet ahead of them, talking to Hobi just out of earshot.

'What, Namjoon-ah again? Really?' Yoongi asked, following his gaze. Part of it was an attempt to make light of the situation, another part was curious. He believed Jungkook when he said that he'd never seriously thought of Namjoon that way, but it also wasn't a long shot to think it was Namjoon who had made Jungkook realise a few things about himself, even if he didn't seem too sure about it himself.

'Shut up,' Jungkook mumbled. Then, quiet enough for his voice not to travel, he added, 'I'm thinking of you in Daegu. You said that your friendships changed.'

It was instinct that made Yoongi look around, but none of the people that they passed on the sidewalk seemed to be interested in their conversation. Besides, it was vague enough. But they had almost reached the bar, anyways.

'Some other time, yeah?'

'Promise?'

Jungkook turned, their eyes met, and Yoongi found himself nodding.

'Sure.'

There were no secrets he intended to keep from Jungkook. None except for how he made him feel and how impossible it was to control. If Jungkook wanted to know about Daegu, maybe it would be good to talk about it. Maybe it would help him understand.

They reached the bar shortly after and found a table for four that forced them to interact with the others once more. They ordered Sake like Jungkook had wanted, toasted to tonight's show, then fell into easy conversation that Yoongi didn't have to think about much. Jungkook was sitting across from him and it was hard not to watch him, not to marvel had how his cheeks started to flush right after the first drink and how his lips turned all shiny. But Yoongi managed, for the most part of the night.

There was a moment at the hotel when they parted for the night. Their eyes met and Yoongi felt words form on his tongue, an invitation that he bit down on. There was no need to make it this obvious to Namjoon and Hobi that his obsession with Jungkook was bad enough for him to want to spend even more time with him. That it was just never enough. So he went to his room by himself, waved good night to the others, and ignored the immediate regret that he felt.

...

They spent three more days in Tokyo during which their schedule was so packed, there was no time at all to watch films or have a drink. Things with Jungkook had relaxed enough for them to find each other every now and then, to exchange a few words or to simply sit in comfortable silence, close to each other, as if recharging. And still, Yoongi found his thoughts wandering at night when he tried to fall asleep. He kept imagining conversations, kept wondering what Jungkook would say if he actually asked about Paris. Then he wondered what Namjoon would have to say about it. Or maybe Hobi.

During the day, Yoongi was able to focus on work well enough. They left for Osaka, played more shows, Jungkook sent selfies of him and Jimin exploring the city to their group chat during their one day off, and Yoongi made sure to catch up with Jin who reassured him that whatever had happened during the break wasn't much. He seemed confused, lost in thought, uncertain, and Yoongi ached to let him know how much he could relate, even if he'd never had a girl to ponder about.

Time in Japan passed more quickly than Yoongi would have wanted, given that they had another stretch of award shows coming up once they'd return to Seoul. Their last show in Osaka left Yoongi feeling immediately wistful the moment that he stepped off stage. It would be over two weeks before they would play another show, and even if his shoulder was thankful for it, it felt like way too long. He wanted to linger for a little while and take in the final moments of being able to hear the crowd from behind the stage, but instead they were ushered into the green room too quickly.

'You have a flight to catch,' they were reminded by management once they arrived backstage, as if they weren't all aware and had brought their packed luggage to the venue. 'We have thirty minutes before the vans are scheduled for departure. We're going straight to the airport. There's a washroom across the hall for you to use, but please be mindful of the time. Two can go at once.'

'Like in the good old times,' Taehyung beamed. 'Jimin-ah!'

He took Jimin by the arm, unbothered by the fact that he was chatting with his stylist, placed both hands on his shoulders, and marched him out of the room towards the showers they were supposed to share. A moment later, Jungkook left, too. Yoongi watched his back, then rolled his shoulder the way he had gotten used to doing after a show. It didn't go unnoticed by their physio who was quick to come over and work on his neck and shoulder for a few minutes to loosen his muscles up before he would sit still for hours on the plane.

Predictably, Taehyung returned from the showers before Jimin did. Jin went next and returned with Jimin who was still complaining about not having had enough time while he was towelling his hair dry. Yoongi was still having his shoulder massaged, so there was no discussion about it when Namjoon and Hobi went next. Yoongi didn't mind jumping in last just to wash up for a minute or two. He peeled the tape off his skin once their physio stepped to the side, then threw his shirt back on for some decency as he'd have to cross the hallway.

He was gathering fresh clothes from his bag when he heard Namjoon and Hobi return, but they weren't alone.

'Seriously, Jungkookie, nobody noticed,' Hobi was saying. 'I didn't, so you're good, okay?'

Yoongi turned, only to find Jungkook still dressed in his stage clothes, running a hand through his sweaty hair.

'You didn't wash up?'

Jungkook looked over at him at his question, but gave no response.

'He went back to go over Euphoria,' Namjoon sighed, then laughed. 'Who taught him this kind of diligence when it comes to dancing? Certainly not me.'

'I messed up tonight,' Jungkook mumbled as Hobi ruffled his hair. 'It's such an easy choreo, but I managed to mess it up.'

'Ten minutes, guys,' their head manager announced, giving Jungkook a once over. 'Is this how you want to leave?'

Yoongi turned and refocused on his clothes. He grabbed a clean pair of briefs, then headed over to the door where he inevitably ran into Jungkook who had done the same. Together they walked down the hall, then entered the washroom that had been pointed out. It was a plain room with two showers on opposite walls and a sink. The air was hot and damp after five people had already washed up, and Yoongi instantly tore his shirt off again.

'I thought you'd gone with Jimin-ah.'

'Sorry.'

Jungkook was slower to get moving, as if they had all the time in the world.

'No. It's not bad. I just...' Yoongi faltered, his cheeks suddenly feeling warm. 'I didn't wait for you or anything. I thought you were done.'

The smile that spread over Jungkook's face was sweet, but brief before it turned into a frown.

'Hyung. You liking men still doesn't make me uncomfortable in that way. You need to seriously stop assuming.'

He took his shirt off, as if to make a point. Yoongi averted his gaze. How could Jungkook still not have realised how badly Yoongi wanted him? That he had every right to feel uncomfortable, because the thoughts Yoongi had about him included him exactly like this, sweaty and smiling and rushing to take his clothes off.

'Did you really think going over your choreo was a good idea when we had thirty minutes?'

It was as good a question to change the subject as any, and it made Jungkook grin wider at him.

'Maybe you should have practiced, too. I saw you stumble.'

Yoongi rolled his eyes. He hadn't stumbled, but slipped on water that Taehyung had sprayed onto the stage during their final encore. He hadn't even fallen, had caught himself just in time, and still Jungkook had apparently seen.

'You're insufferable.'

The smirk Jungkook gave him right before he dropped his pants wasn't meant for Yoongi to survive. He focused on taking his own clothes off, but it was impossible to ignore how Jungkook continued to do the same in his peripheral vision until he was completely naked.

'Well, I'm glad you're not crying about mistakes on stage anymore,' Yoongi made himself say. He needed to make conversation, needed to distract himself from the fact that Jungkook was right there, not wearing a thing, now turning on the water on the opposite wall from where Yoongi was. He peeled his briefs off last, kicked them towards a corner, then found his own shower.

'It's worse when it's my voice. Dancing, I can live with most of the time.'

Jungkook was speaking from behind him, and Yoongi threw a glance over his shoulder to acknowledge it. He wasn't prepared for how Jungkook was already looking at him. His hair was still dry, but his body was glistening with water, running down his chest where Yoongi stopped himself from letting his gaze travel further down. He couldn't think of anything to say anymore. It took too much effort to control his thoughts, to not let himself come back to how easily Jungkook had crowded him up against that wall in Paris. How he could do it again, but naked.

He dipped his head under the deliberately cool water and closed his eyes. Turned away from Jungkook, he could maybe survive this. They'd be back out in the hallway in a few minutes. He'd taken showers with Jungkook before, so this should be no different. But ever since Paris, everything was. All those thoughts Yoongi had had about Jungkook before, privately and guiltily, were now a possibility, however unlikely.

He could feel Jungkook's attention on him, and it made everything so much worse. The heat of his gaze burning into his backside, even when it made no sense that Jungkook would suddenly be looking after so many years of friendship. Yoongi made himself focus on being efficient, grabbed his shampoo and rubbed it into his hair a little too vigorously. He was dipping his hair back under the spray of the water when he sensed Jungkook's suddenly close proximity and, without thinking about it, he turned.

Jungkook was right there, holding out a hand, a shy smile on his lips. Water dripped down from his wet hair now.

'I didn't bring soap or shampoo.'

This time, Yoongi couldn't help himself. His gaze dropped before he could even think. It wasn't like he had never seen Jungkook naked before, and still taking in his body was more exciting than ever, the desire for it more urgent. There was nothing he could do to keep himself from looking. Jungkook's chest was so well defined these days, his belly taut and yet soft, the dark hair below the vee of his hips neatly trimmed. This was new.

It was only a second in which he allowed himself to look, and yet he could have sworn that Jungkook's cock filled up just a little under his gaze. He grabbed the shampoo from Yoongi, then turned again, ducking his head underneath the water as if to hide. Yoongi's own body was thrumming with excitement, and he knew had he been alone, this would have been the moment in which he'd run a hand down his body to bring himself to full hardness. But he wasn't alone, and he wasn't young and entirely unable to control himself anymore. A few years ago he would have stood facing the wall in shame for a long while, but now, he took a deep breath and turned the water a little cooler.

A few years ago, this would have never happened. A few years ago, Jungkook hadn't been sculpted like a God, he hadn't been all grown and real and tauntingly beautiful. He hadn't given Yoongi the best kiss of his life yet, either, and rendered it impossible to think about anything other than that night.

Yoongi washed up quickly, efficiently, then kicked the soap over to Jungkook when he was done and simply stood below the spray of water for another minute until he heard the water being turned off and did the same where he was. When he turned, Jungkook was already towelling himself dry. He wasn't hard, but Yoongi only had a second to see before the towel was obstructing his view.

The silence felt a little too loud now that the water coming down on them was no longer filling it, but Yoongi didn't know what to say. The air felt too heavy for smalltalk, but they had to be back in the green room without a minute to waste, so there was no point in saying anything more meaningful. Any of what he wanted to say. How Jungkook was leaving him breathless, how it was impossible to look away from him, how they should finally have a real conversation because Yoongi could no longer stand being alone with his thoughts.

They got dressed quickly, in loose clothes they could sleep in during the flight. Or, in Yoongi's case, rest. He heard Jungkook clear his throat, saw him glance over to make sure he was ready, too, then head for the door where he stopped with his hand on the door handle.

'Hyung.'

His voice was low, his tone a little resigned and uncertain. Like he didn't know what else to say and somehow that one word had to be enough.

'I know.'

Yoongi was right on his heels, close enough to reach out to him, and then he finally did. He didn't really know what he was telling Jungkook that he knew, what he was agreeing to, but if it was merely their shared confusion, the overwhelming feeling of not knowing what to do with what was happening between them, then he meant it whole heartedly. He had no idea what he was doing, but it felt right when he wrapped his arms around Jungkook from where he stood behind him and took a deep breath in. The combination of everything he loved about Jungkook with the scent of his own soap made his knees feel a little weak. He took it in for a long moment, spread his hand flat on Jungkook's chest, holding him tight. Then he pressed a kiss to his neck, as high up as he could reach, right by the collar of his shirt.

He felt more than heard Jungkook letting out a shuddery breath. His hand dropped down to Yoongi's on his chest to cover it, their fingers intertwining. Instinctively, Yoongi pulled him a little closer even, let Jungkook feel the press of his body against his backside, ran his thumb over his belly. He felt Jungkook take another deep breath, sucking his stomach in, his hips arching a little as a result, so invitingly. Jungkook's fingers curled, seemed to be holding on to Yoongi's either to keep them where they were or to guide them. Something deep within Yoongi tightened at the thought, and it was his cue to let go, to take a step back.

He did it slowly though, his hand lingering, held back by Jungkook for a moment. His mind was spinning, there wasn't enough oxygen in the fogged up washroom. Jungkook stood frozen, staring down at the hand he still had on the door handle. Then he shook his head a little, pushed the door open, and a wave of cool air hit them like a relief, welcoming them back to reality.

Yoongi only just caught the way in which Jungkook let the hand that had been holding his just a second ago drop lower, grab the hem of his shirt, and pull the fabric down a little further. It was that motion, one that, living with six guys, he'd seen endless times before, that finally made Yoongi's cock throb for real, despite his best efforts. He couldn't help it. Not when Jungkook was clearly feeling the same way and had to use his shirt to hide it. They'd gotten through a shared shower with just enough dignity, and now it was a hug, a chaste kiss, a touch of their hands that had Jungkook all turned on?

Yoongi adjusted his own clothes as they stepped into the hallway. He was half hard, coming out of the showers with Jungkook whose ears were pink and who was still holding his shirt down. If there were cameras around when they returned, they'd be doomed. But luckily enough, things were hectic backstage, so the remaining thrumming in Yoongi's veins faded quickly. Namjoon threw Yoongi's packed bag at him pretty much the moment that he got there and he only just had time to stuff his dirty underwear in there and hand his stage outfit to one of the stylists before he was ushered back towards the door. He'd forgotten his soap and shampoo in the bathroom, but he couldn't have cared less.

He only caught Jungkook's eyes once more, through the mess of people and luggage. His cheeks were rosy, his ears still red, and his gaze dropped down the moment that he found Yoongi. But then he looked back up, an insistent question in his eyes. Yoongi was so tired of not having an answer, and he couldn't just make one up. But what he could do was give him a small smile, some reassurance. It was better than running at least. It was embarrassing how, when Jungkook's eyes lit up in response, the whirling feeling in Yoongi's belly could only be described as butterflies.

Chapter Text

It wasn't intentional this time when returning to Seoul brought distance between them. The group's schedule remained busy with the Asia Artist Awards, the filming of a music video scheduled three days in a row, and the creation of endless promotional material for their comeback in April next year. It felt strange to think of a new era when at the same time the decision about their Love Yourself tour being extended was as good as official. But they had recorded songs all throughout spring, and Yoongi was ready for the world to hear them.

Working together as a group meant that Yoongi got to see Jungkook all day, every day, and yet there was no time for them to sneak away and be alone for a while. Neither to talk, nor to be close in any other way. The times that they were wanted on set individually never even coincided enough for them to pass by each other as they came and went, and whenever they were together, things were loud and hectic with staff breathing down their necks. The few moments a day that Yoongi wasn't working for Bangtan, he used to catch up with his producers to discuss his EP. It was due some time in summer of next year, but they weren't anywhere close to being done with the songs Yoongi still only had guides of.

What was new was that Jungkook started texting him more frequently. At first, it was short messages asking whether their schedules would overlap, whether they would share a car or not, whether Yoongi wanted coffee, if he had eaten. Then it was little emojis throughout the day that reminded Yoongi to take a break. Then it was a selca from a photoshoot, one from a bar, one from the company. They didn't find much time together, but it wasn't like it had been before, during the break. Yoongi diligently texted back every time his phone buzzed, even when he knew that neither of them was used to giving this much attention to their messenger app.

They'd been back in Seoul for a week when Yoongi found himself backstage once more, waiting for their short performance at the MMAs. The entirety of December was littered with award shows Yoongi didn't care much about, and even if it the MMAs were only the beginning, he already felt drained. Of course he wanted to win, he wanted to perform, but he didn't want to sit around all day for ten minutes of being on stage. It was so much time that he could spend on his EP instead.

He was typing production ideas into the notes app on his phone while his stylist sprayed his hair with more product. Sometimes, she would talk to him about how things were going, or Yoongi would ask her about what he knew of her personal life, her husband and two cats she had shown him pictures of before, but Yoongi loved her most for how she always seemed to sense when he didn't feel like chatting. She worked quietly and Yoongi was lost in thought, but only until Jungkook entered the room right on their choreographer's heels.

They were talking about the stage tonight, how there was a lot of space to fill, making last minute adjustments to how Jungkook could maximise his impact. Yoongi was only listening half heartedly, but the focus on his work had been broken the moment he'd heard Jungkook's voice. He watched him from his peripheral vision, then through the mirror. From somewhere, Jungkook had gotten a bag of crisps that his hand kept disappearing into until their choreographer snatched it from him and claimed he'd be sick on stage.

Jungkook laughed, but tried to reach for the crisps only once. He would have fought harder with Yoongi, he felt certain about it. Accepting his fate, Jungkook looked around the room, seemed to realise that he was the only one that hadn't changed yet, and found his stage clothes. It wasn't unusual in the slightest for them all to change out in the open as long as it was a closed dressing room, not accessible to an abundance of venue staff.

The only staff aside from their own Yoongi could see right now was a security member stationed by the door. He was young, maybe in his late twenties. His uniform reminded Yoongi of the army. It was over the top, as was the way that he scanned the room, a hand on the small microphone that led to a pager on his belt. Maybe he was listening to information about the event through his in ears. Maybe his job wasn't actual security, but to simply keep an eye on things and make sure the evening was going as planned for the venue as well as the guests.

Yoongi didn't realise why he'd stopped to pay attention until he followed the guy's gaze towards the room. His focus was on Jungkook who was in the process of pulling up his shirt. No reaction at all showed on the guard's face, but there was a shift of his weight, a tightening of his jaw. A momentary drop of his gaze. It was easy enough to recognise the interest, but probably only because Yoongi felt it, too.

Moments of recognition like this were rare, but they happened. Most of the time, Yoongi at least hoped that they were a one way street, but he couldn't be sure. The experience with men that he'd left Daegu with wasn't as grand as he'd made Jungkook believe, but it was enough for him to every now and then look at someone and understand. Even in Korea, even in their line of work, even when it was dangerous knowledge to have. Sometimes, no matter how rare those moments were, he locked eyes with another man and just knew.

This time, it wasn't hard to recognise the likeness. The guard was doing his best to feign disinterest, but it was clear that his focus was Jungkook. Jungkook who was now down to his briefs and was pulling on his tight black jeans. Yoongi didn't know whether to feel amused or annoyed. He couldn't really judge the guard for looking, but at the same time, it made him feel uneasy to witness that interest. That attraction. The familiar guilt rose up in Yoongi as he wondered if his own way of watching Jungkook more often than he'd like to admit seemed just as creepy to onlookers.

But the uneasiness he felt was more than guilt. Something stupidly territorial made Yoongi want to get up and block Jungkook from view to anyone who might have their eyes on him. Even when Jungkook was already buttoning up his shirt, Yoongi still didn't like knowing he had caught someone else's attention. One floor up, tonight's crowd had already filled the stadium, thousands of people would be screaming Jungkook's name in a little while, and Yoongi had never felt anything but pride hearing it. But this was different.

Jungkook had already fallen for it once. The innocence of a venue worker, a little bit of conversation, an empty hallway, the post-show adrenaline. Even though Yoongi felt certain that Jungkook had learned from his mistake, who was to say that he wouldn't return the interest if he knew it was there? He had told Yoongi that he was curious. He had never once said that it was him he was curious about. It was guys, general intrigue, maybe even less than that, but merely a natural curiosity about the world. What would he do if someone offered to let him explore it? Someone other than Yoongi?

Yoongi had always known that Jungkook would one day end up with some girl he'd have to learn to like, or at least accept, but the idea of him with another guy suddenly felt so much worse, even when Jungkook hadn't even noticed the guard's presence. How cruel would it be if Jungkook ended up dating men, but someone who wasn't Yoongi?

It was a useless line of thought, entirely futile and sparked by little more than someone else's eyes on Jungkook, yet it kept Yoongi's mind busy all night. It wasn't this particular guy he was suddenly hung up on, but the reminder that he wasn't the only one who was aware that Jungkook was beautiful and addicting for reasons better than that. Yoongi might be one of the few people to actually know him, to like him for less superficial reasons than beauty, but knowing him wasn't needed in order to desire him. The whole world wanted him. And Yoongi wasn't even able to give him a conversation.

It had been well over a month since they had kissed, it was obvious by now that it hadn't been just a moment of drunken recklessness, not for Yoongi at least, and yet he wasn't ready to face the truth of what was happening. That was what he knew. But what if Jungkook moved on while Yoongi took an eternity to accept that something was growing between them? What if it took him so long that eventually it wouldn't be true anymore? What if Jungkook lost his patience?

It was late at night, long after their performance, when another thought hit Yoongi. What if Jungkook, just like Jin, had gone home to meet up with old friends only to find out they were willing to be more than that? What if, some time during all those weeks Yoongi had allowed to go by, Jungkook had already found somebody else to satisfy his curiosity with? If he had kissed guys in Busan, would he have told Yoongi? Was their situation enough to expect them to be exclusive until they had talked about it? Probably not.

None of his thoughts were helpful, except for the fact that they reminded Yoongi of what he wanted. As scary as it was, as impossible as it was, he wasn't ready to let Jungkook go. But he also wasn't ready to tell him that. At least not out of nowhere, which was what he thought it would feel like if he pulled Jungkook aside randomly during one of their schedules that the next few days were filled with. There was not a moment to be had with Jungkook on their own, unless he chose to cross the hall to his room late after the others had gone to bed.

One night, on Jin's birthday which they celebrated with a large meal at the dorm, he almost did so, but ran into Namjoon in the hallway who told him that Jungkook had wanted to get some better sleep than last night after gaming for too long. So instead of knocking on his door and potentially waking him up, Yoongi had a final drink with Namjoon, Hobi, and Jin, waxing poetics over how yet another year had passed and they would soon near their thirties.

A few days later, they found themselves on a plane again, headed towards Taiwan for two consecutive shows. It was another relatively short flight that Yoongi spent working while Jungkook mostly played cards with Jin on the other side of the aisle. As their descent into Taoyuan neared, Yoongi packed away his laptop, then undid his seatbelt and made his way to the back of the plane to use the bathroom. When he stepped back out, Jungkook was waiting in front of the door, holding his toothbrush in his hands.

'It wasn't even a three hour flight,' Yoongi noted, but Jungkook only shrugged.

'I won every single game,' he said in response, unrelated, but with a bright smile.

'Why am I not surprised?'

Jungkook's smile grew even brighter. It was only when his joy was exaggerated like this that his nose scrunched up and his eyes grew small. Yoongi hadn't seen it in too long. He wanted to run the tips of his fingers over his features, wanted to trace his smile and let his body memorise it. He knew he couldn't, but a glance over towards the front of the plane where the others were showed him that they weren't being watched. So he reached out for Jungkook and ran his hand along his collar instead. It felt safe enough. Jimin touched him like this all the time.

Jungkook's gaze dropped down, and Yoongi's followed it. Neither of them said anything until Yoongi lowered his hand again and cleared his throat.

'I hear they drink kaoliang in Taiwan.'

The look in Jungkook's eyes had become more serious, but the memory of his smile still tugged on his lips.

'Yeah. Or boba.'

Yoongi cocked his head at him in amusement.

'That's what you want?'

He allowed Jungkook to think for a moment, then let out a small laugh at his determined nod.

'Okay. I got you.'

Yoongi didn't particularly like sweet drinks, but he was willing to indulge Jungkook. Maybe it was the smarter choice to make, anyways, as he was nursing a leftover headache from last night at the dorm with the Hyung line. His eyes met Jungkook's, and suddenly the hours until they would be free to leave tonight seemed endless, even if there was already nothing but darkness to be seen out in the sky. Yoongi bit the inside of his lip, not knowing what else there was to say. A funny sensation made his belly feel like he was falling, and it took him a moment to understand that it was not Jungkook making him feel this way, but the plane's continued descent.

He had to get back to his seat, Jungkook had to be quick about brushing his teeth, and so they both took a step towards where they were headed. Their shoulders touched as they moved past each other, and Yoongi didn't miss the way in which Jungkook's hand found his, only for a second. Their knuckles brushed against each other, Yoongi's pinky finger automatically reached out to prolong the touch, but then it was already over.

The plane shook a little as they passed through the clouds, and Yoongi held on to the wall to brace himself before he continued walking. Somehow, he expected at least Namjoon to give him a look when he returned, but it was only paranoia. Namjoon was lost in the book he was reading and didn't even look up when Yoongi passed him to get to his seat.

...

The evening dragged on endlessly. They got stuck in traffic on the way from the airport, then were brought directly to a restaurant to have dinner together with the staff. Afterwards, they were forced to stay for their mandatory debrief which included news about the tour extension. Amongst a few newly added cities, they would return to the US and Europe in summer and retrace their steps. Yoongi found Jungkook's gaze across the room when their head manager announced a show in Paris. He hadn't thought he'd go back quite so soon.

By the time they all scattered in the hotel lobby, it was late, but only for Yoongi's standards. He knew that Jungkook would be wide awake, and it was all he needed. He watched him head towards the elevators with Jimin clinging to the straps of his backpack, weighing him down with a familiar giggle and a bounce in his step that told Yoongi enough. Jimin wouldn't be going straight to bed, and so Jungkook wouldn't be alone.

For about thirty minutes, Yoongi lingered at the hotel bar with Hobi, pondering over what to do and watching his phone for a message that would give him an answer. When it came, it wasn't what he wanted to hear.

Jimin Hyung is still here.

Yoongi sighed, then knocked back his drink. He'd known, and yet he felt disappointed.

Tomorrow, he texted back, to which Jungkook sent him a thumbs up that seemed too careless for Yoongi's liking. Hadn't Jungkook looked forward to finally being alone again? Had Yoongi done so too much? In the end, there wasn't really a reason as to why Jimin couldn't be there when they had boba tea and hung out until way too late. Hadn't Jimin even been there when they had agreed to try a new drink in every city, way back last summer?

But somehow, it had become their thing only. Yoongi didn't want to share those moments with anyone else. And besides, he owed Jungkook a conversation that he was hoping he could ease into, as nervous as it made him to think about it. He ordered another drink, toasted to another city their tour had reached together with Hobi, then followed him up to their floor of hotel rooms for the night.

It was only when he was in bed about an hour later that Jungkook texted him again.

I'm sorry.

The text brought a soft smile to Yoongi's lips. There was the acknowledgement he had needed.

Don't be, he typed

Jungkook's response appeared on his screen a second later.

You're still up?

Kind of.

Tired?

A little. Is Jimin-ah still there?

No.

Yoongi contemplated their chat window for a long moment. He did feel tired, but they had flown into Taiwan two days in advance of the show and were blessed with a late schedule tomorrow to give them time to acclimate themselves. Would it be so bad to stay up a little longer?

I wouldn't know where to get boba at this time.

Jungkook sent him a crying emoji, nothing else, then went offline. It left Yoongi feeling uncertain, not knowing whether he was invited or not. He had just opened their chat window again to ask for Jungkook's room number he had yet again not had a chance to note, when he heard a careful knock on the door.

He cursed his racing heart when he got out of bed. After so much time spent with Jungkook, alone or with the group, he really shouldn't be nervous around him, no matter the circumstances. But everything felt like it was happening for the first time lately. His body was attentive around Jungkook in ways it had never been before, and he anticipated every moment with him as if it weren't one in a million.

When he opened the door for him, his heart nearly skipped a beat. Jungkook looked so soft, with his hair messed up and his shirt two sizes too big, and his face all bare and a little rosy either from being tired or tipsy.

'Did you drink?' was the first thing Yoongi asked, without judgement.

'At the restaurant, but not much.'

'Your cheeks are glowing.'

Yoongi stepped aside to let Jungkook in, then closed the door behind him.

'I messed around with Jimin quite a bit,' Jungkook laughed. When Yoongi raised a slow eyebrow at him, he nearly doubled over explaining himself. 'Not like that. He was just in a mood.'

The wording didn't make things any better, but Yoongi knew what he meant. How Jimin could get. He could be the most playful of them all, and it always seemed to be Jungkook he wanted to roll around with, testing the strength Jungkook was starting to build up these days.

'He only just left?'

'Yeah,' Jungkook nodded. 'I tried to tell him I was tired, but he didn't buy it. I'm not, really.'

'I don't know how you do it,' Yoongi yawned. 'The energy you have.'

Jungkook let out a small laugh and walked over to Yoongi's suitcase where a book was thrown on top of a pile of clothes. Namjoon had only just given it to him downstairs, as he had finished it on the plane.

'You read smart books now?'

Yoongi kicked his slipper in his general direction, but it only made Jungkook laugh when it flew off of his foot that was left bare.

'Since when do I not like reading?' Yoongi scowled.

'I know you do. But you're slow.'

'I can read this slowly.'

'You should read it to me.'

Jungkook sat down at the edge of the bed, right by its foot.

'Why?'

It was surprise that startled Yoongi into asking, or maybe suspicion. Why would Jungkook want this? But Jungkook only shrugged.

'You have a nice voice. I like listening to it.'

His honesty left Yoongi without anything to say. He only stood there for a moment, watched Jungkook take in the room with half hearted interest, then made himself walk back over to the bed himself.

'You like children's stories,' he noted without commenting. 'Actually, you don't read at all.'

'I don't. I never know what to pick. If you give me a book then I'll read it.'

Yoongi slid back under the covers where he had been before Jungkook had come over. He was a little cold in the shirt and shorts he was wearing, the bed was comfortable and already warmed up, and there was nowhere else to go, anyways. At the foot of the bed, Jungkook pulled up his feet underneath himself and crossed his legs, facing Yoongi. He steadied himself on Yoongi's knee as he got comfortable.

'How about you show me something you're into instead? I'm already teaching you music and drinks.'

'Games,' Jungkook smiled after a moment. 'I can show you Overwatch some time.'

'Sure. I won't be any good at it.'

'I'm no good at music.'

Yoongi raised an eyebrow at him again, this time with lazy disbelief. Jungkook's words were a blatant lie, but he only laughed at Yoongi's response.

'Did you write any more lyrics?'

Jungkook shook his head no.

'No longer feeling confused?'

It was a dangerous question to ask and it gave him Jungkook's full attention in a heartbeat.

'Of course I'm confused. But at least you're around now. It feels less lonely.'

Yoongi only nodded, then let his gaze wander over to the window. He had left his curtains undone just a little bit in hopes that he wouldn't waste the entire morning sleeping, but that had been before Jungkook had come over to keep him awake. Outside, the moon stood high and full, right in that small space where Yoongi could see through the fabric. He was still watching it when he felt the mattress dip.

Jungkook was moving, letting himself fall over onto his front until he was lying next to Yoongi, only on top of the blanket and a little further down, not quite touching the endless pillows that were still propped up high on the unused side of the bed. Yoongi was getting so tired of that carefully kept space between them, that constant probing at boundaries that didn't need to be there in the first place. He wanted to say something, knew that the time had come to do so, but Jungkook beat him to it.

'You know I'm not here for the drinks, right?' he asked, his voice low, careful. 'You can ask me to hang out without buying me alcohol.'

'Or a sugar rush?' Yoongi tried, smiling, though he knew those words to be heavier than what he was making out of them. He still didn't know how to say what he wanted to say.

The distraction worked well enough.

'I like boba.'

'Is there anything you don't like?'

'Sure.'

But he faltered, Yoongi could practically watch him think but fail to come up with an example for a long moment in which Yoongi's grin widened.

'That whisky at the hotel in... I forgot where. At the pool. I wasn't a fan.'

'Huh,' Yoongi made. Then he didn't know what else to say. The silence that fell around them no longer felt as tense as it had a few weeks ago, and yet it was a little too loud. It still sometimes felt as though Jungkook was waiting. As though he would only be playing along with Yoongi's stalling for so long. He had his chin propped up on his hands and looked up at him a little expectantly, intent, as if there was more to see than Yoongi's tired face.

Yoongi took a deep breath.

'I didn't realise how much time has passed since Paris. Since I told you I needed space and all. It still feels like it's been no more than a few days.'

'Time.' Jungkook's response came immediately. 'You said you needed time. And I'm trying to give it to you. If you're asking for space, I don't think I can do that.'

Yoongi knew that he was unable to keep the fondness off of his face, but he also wasn't really trying.

'Neither can I,' he sighed. 'And time is apparently not helping much.'

The way that Jungkook nodded was almost imperceptible, but it was there. A silent I told you so. And he had been right all along of course. He had wanted to talk right away, but Yoongi hadn't let him. Maybe the weeks that had passed had helped them both to process a little, but they were still right where they had been on their last day in Europe. Not much had changed. Yoongi still wanted too much, too badly, and what he thought Jungkook was thinking was still a projection of what Yoongi wanted him to think rather than real.

'Kook-ah,' Yoongi managed, damning his voice for suddenly sounding unsteady. But it was time. 'That kiss. I... We should talk about it?'

Given that Jungkook had been so eager to have this conversation, Yoongi had thought he'd have his speech ready, but Jungkook didn't say anything. When Yoongi looked at him, he saw him chewing his lower lip, looking up at him uncertainly.

'What?' Yoongi asked, nearly a whisper. He almost reached a hand out to draw his teeth away from his lip that he was worrying, but he didn't.

Jungkook's confession came slowly.

'I don't want to say the wrong thing. I thought at first that it would be easy to talk about it, because everything is with you, but now I'm not so sure. I didn't realise how... how much ugliness you associate with... Yeah.'

Yoongi had to close his eyes for a moment at his words. It was exactly what he hadn't wanted. For Jungkook to be hurt by any of what had to do with him. Ever. For him to get tongue-tied and uncertain and insecure.

'Not with us,' he said. 'It's just complicated.'

'But you called it a mistake. You said it was a bad choice to make.'

'I said that because I wanted you to agree with it. That's how I wanted you to feel about it, so we could be done with it. But I guess we aren't.'

'Because I don't think it was a mistake. I didn't then and I don't now.'

Yoongi had dropped his gaze down to the blanket to avoid Jungkook's eyes, but he brought it back up now. There was so much honesty and vulnerability in the way that Jungkook looked at him, it almost hurt. It hurt to think that Yoongi had tainted him, had broken his spirit by letting him down and refusing to talk when Jungkook had been so ready for them to do so weeks ago.

Yoongi had to force the words, even when they were true.

'I don't think so, either. I never meant to make you feel as if I regretted it.'

Jungkook didn't smile, but something in his features relaxed. It was hard to describe, but Yoongi could see it in his eyes, in the corners of his mouth, the loosening of his jaw. He took another breath.

'There's nothing you can say that would be wrong here, okay? I wasn't ready to hear it, anything at all, but I am now. Or closer to it, anyways.'

Now, Jungkook's lips did pull into a small smile. He dropped his gaze, as if he weren't allowed to, and Yoongi did reach out now, only to nudge at his chin and make him look up again.

'I just wanted to be close to you.' It sounded so easy, the way Jungkook said it, even when he sighed right after, and even when it was clear that he was nervous. His voice was trembling a little. 'All throughout the tour, I just couldn't get enough of you. First, it was just the talking. There were all those secrets that were only ours suddenly. We've never had that before, and it felt like I was getting to know you all over. I kept thinking that there wasn't enough time, that I wanted more of you, that nothing was ever enough. Then we were dancing, and that was new, too. But still not enough.'

Yoongi's chest tightened with the truth of Jungkook's words, with recognition, with the way in which it was all so simple, yet so unreal and impossible.

'I didn't think much,' Jungkook continued. 'I just wanted to be as close to you as possible. That was it. I didn't realise in how many ways until we were kissing. And then it still wasn't enough somehow. I never thought you'd leave, because that was the last thing that I wanted to do.'

'I'm sorry.' Yoongi's voice was rough when he spoke. 'Really, I am. I turned all of this so serious and so... dark, I guess. You didn't deserve that.'

'You've said sorry enough times, Hyung.'

'I mean it.'

'I know. But I don't want you to keep apologising.'

Yoongi only nodded. He still felt like saying sorry. Like pulling Jungkook in close to him, wrapping his arms around him and making up for all those times he had pushed him away lately. But all he could do was let himself scoot a little further down the bed to bring their faces closer together. With Jungkook wearing no make up at all, the little scar on his cheekbone was visible and Yoongi ached to trace his fingers along it and down his jaw, all the way to the birthmark below his lip.

'It wasn't just curiosity.'

Yoongi's attention returned to Jungkook's voice in an instant. His eyes snapped back up to be met with something unguarded that seemed to come so easily to Jungkook when it was Yoongi's greatest flaw.

'I know you think that's all it was, but it wasn't. I wouldn't have picked you had that been it. Don't ask me why, it's true that I'm confused as hell, but I wanted to kiss you. I still feel like I can never be close enough to you. I'm starting to understand that for you, none of this is as easy, but honestly, all I felt in Paris was excitement. Before you left, that is. I was happy, Hyung.'

It was too much. It was too good to be true, too easy indeed. Jungkook's words came bubbling out now, he had held on to them for too long, and Yoongi suddenly remembered why he had refused to hear them before. He focused his gaze up at the ceiling and pushed his head a little further back into his pillow. So many emotions were fighting for attention in his chest, he felt frozen in place.

'That's all you felt?' he eventually asked. 'It was that easy? No freak out, no shame, no fear?'

Jungkook was quiet for a long moment and Yoongi felt almost certain that he had said the wrong thing. Had made him stop talking by dipping things into more darkness. But just when he got ready to raise his head and check, Jungkook spoke.

'I'm not naive. I know that it's not easy being anything but straight. In this industry, in Korea, anywhere in the spotlight. I'm not saying I haven't thought about that. Or that I'm not nervous, or worried about our friendship and the group. But in that moment, yeah. I was happy to kiss you. I'm sorry that you... That it wasn't like that for you.'

Yoongi brought a hand up over his eyes and closed them again. In the darkness, he focused only on biting his tongue until the words that he tasted were ones he carefully chose rather than ones he had wanted to spill onto Jungkook for months.

'There's not a single bit of it that I didn't want or like. Okay? None of what came after has to do with you.'

When he opened his eyes again, Jungkook's were wide and dark and so fucking beautiful it hurt. He was so close, lingering just on the edge of Yoongi's personal space.

'Hyung,' he all but whispered. There had to be more, but after taking another breath, there were no words.

'Kook-ah.' His name was merely breath on Yoongi's lips and yet it felt like the most truthful thing Yoongi had ever said to him. Another beat of silence passed. 'I don't want to run from this anymore. But I have no idea what I'm doing.'

Jungkook hardly moved, yet he seemed to come a little closer. He was right next to him now, the tips of his hair brushing against the pillow. Yoongi reached a hand out to smooth them down and let the dark brown strands run through his fingertips. He could hardly stand the nerves fluttering in his chest.

'You think that I do?'

The coy smile that tugged on Jungkook's lips made Yoongi's heart stumble for a second. It was an attempt, something so lighthearted Yoongi could barely catch up with him. How was Jungkook able to be so joyful about something that Yoongi had spent years of his life cursing? How was he able to put what he was feeling into words so easily when Yoongi hadn't been able to do so for years? But then again, he had always been excitable. Eager. Curious. All the things Yoongi loved the most about him and missed in himself.

'It doesn't scare you at all? You just one day realised you like guys and it was as easy as that?'

Jungkook let out a breath, slowly. He brought a hand up to where the blanket rested on Yoongi's chest and let his fingers trace a line right at its edge, over the fabric of his shirt. It would be so easy for him to draw it back, to join Yoongi underneath it.

'One day wasn't that long ago. I didn't really have time to feel scared. But honestly, I refuse to do so. I like who I like, and if it's you then it just is.'

Him. Not a generic, male ideal. But him.

'Keep it that way,' Yoongi managed, even when his heart was beating up in his throat. 'I envy you for it.'

Their eyes met once more, and Yoongi felt like reaching out and letting Jungkook's undeterred optimism and acceptance pour into himself. It could be so easy if Yoongi could only let it be that. If only he could accept that this was happening in the first place. He let his hand drop down from Jungkook's hair to cover his that was still on his chest. It felt right when he intertwined their fingers, ran his thumb over Jungkook's palm, held on to him like this.

'Are we done pretending we'll forget about it?'

Finally, Yoongi could hear the nerves in Jungkook's voice again. They only ever seemed to show whenever it was about the two of them. Everything Jungkook said that only concerned himself, he said with a surety Yoongi felt was both admirable and, despite what Jungkook had said, naive. In the best way possible.

Yoongi brought their hands up to his face and pressed a kiss to Jungkook's knuckles.

'I never pretended. I just can't believe you feel that way.'

Jungkook's gaze was glued to their hands, to Yoongi's lips hovering just above his skin.

'I don't really know what I feel,' he whispered. 'But it's all good things.'

'Yeah?'

'Yeah,' Jungkook smiled. 'It's just overwhelming.'

'It is for me, too.'

'I know.'

He ran his thumb over Jungkook's palm again, down to his wrist, and watched as Jungkook's nose screwed up with another smile. When Yoongi caught it, he buried his face in the pillow to hide it with a small groan.

'I can't look at you,' he said, pushing the pillow down enough to peek at Yoongi over the fabric. His hair had fallen into his forehead. 'When did this happen?'

A smile tugged at Yoongi's lips, he was unable to resist the rush of excitement that he felt, but at the same time, seeing Jungkook this giddy worried him.

'Jungkookie,' he tried. 'You know it'll take some time to figure this out, right? I promise we'll do it together, but there's still so much I need to work through, and I think you do, too.'

'I know, I know,' Jungkook nodded. 'You think I haven't realised how freaked out you are?'

Maybe, one day, Jungkook would understand why. Maybe Yoongi would be able to tell him just how many months he had spent looking at Jungkook from afar, thinking of him in ways he still didn't really allow himself to do even now.

'Slow is good,' Jungkook continued. He still sounded too excited for his own good. It made Yoongi want to throw all caution in the wind and kiss him.

'Do you even know what you're saying yes to?'

The shrug Jungkook gave him was slow, though his face became a bit more serious.

'Do you? That's what we'll figure out, right?'

It was still too easy. Yoongi didn't want to keep putting words into Jungkook's mouth, but he simply didn't trust his eagerness. The part of him that wanted to do so was getting louder and more intent on how kissing Jungkook right now was what he should do. But the other part stood firm. Jungkook himself had admitted that he had no idea what it felt like to be attracted to guys. While Yoongi believed him when he said he'd thought about it, there was so much for Jungkook to figure out. So many realisations he could still have that would leave Yoongi with a broken heart.

And still, they were here now. Neither of them able to deny that their friendship had changed. And neither of them willing to ignore it any longer. As difficult as Yoongi still found it to wrap his head around the fact that Jungkook looked at him this way, he would stop doing so if Yoongi let him believe that it was pointless. So instead of arguing, he nodded.

'Yeah. We'll figure it out.'

'You don't look happy about it.'

Jungkook's lower lip arched into a pout as he spoke. Not in a childish way, but with honest concern Yoongi had to smile at in reassurance.

'I am...' he sighed. 'It's overwhelming, as you said. I never thought I'd end up here with one of the members.'

But despite his cautious words, he snuck an arm around Jungkook who came closer easily, then lifted the blanket for him to sneak underneath it. His body was a little cold for once, and Yoongi rubbed his hand over his shoulder blades when he noticed. Jungkook's eyes fluttered close for a second.

'Never? You were never interested in any of them?'

It was honest curiosity, not an attempt at teasing Yoongi, and it was the only reason why he dignified the question with a response.

'No.'

'Huh. Any other people that I know? From other groups?'

'How many times do I have to tell you that I haven't focused on dating in years?'

'Dating is different than being interested. You never even found any of the guys around us attractive? Never had a moment of wanting?'

Yoongi thought, willing himself to be as honest as possible while still he knew that he wasn't ready to tell Jungkook that it was him he'd been thinking about for too long.

'I guess. Nothing more than a moment. It's irrelevant.' Jungkook opened his mouth to argue, but Yoongi shut him down by prompting, 'You know that guys are interested in you, right?'

'Huh?'

There was no intrigue on Jungkook's face, none of that studied self-satisfaction that made him smirk whenever one of the members pointed out his popularity with girls. His eyes merely widened the way they did so often.

'That security guard at the MMAs.'

Jungkook's scoff came so quickly, Yoongi knew that it was genuine.

'I don't know who you're talking about, but how would you know?'

'I know because I watched him watch you.'

'Watching me is security's job.'

'Watching you undress?'

Jungkook raised an eyebrow at him, maybe in an imitation of how Yoongi liked to do it in favour of using words.

'Creepy,' Jungkook muttered. 'But what are you saying? Why do you care?'

His hand came up to Yoongi's chest once more. The tips of his fingers brushed against his throat. He could probably feel the way he quietly groaned at the question in defeat.

'I'm saying I'm not the only one you can explore this with.' Jungkook's hand stilled. Yoongi closed his eyes for a second, then met his gaze. 'I was wondering. If maybe you found someone to kiss in Busan.'

Finally, fucking finally, Jungkook seemed to be thrown off track. His eyebrows knitted closely together as he studied Yoongi, processing his words.

'What? No, I... No. That's not what I want.'

'Okay.'

'Okay? Why are you asking this?'

He let his fingers trace along Yoongi's collarbone, but it felt like a more distracted touch now. Once more, Yoongi decided to be honest.

'Kook... When I first realised what kissing guys feels like compared to girls, and after I learned how to look for the signs and be discreet, I couldn't get enough of it for a while. I was so relieved to finally really feel something with someone. So if that's where you're at right now, if you want to...'

'I don't,' Jungkook interrupted him. 'The only reason I'm not scared is because it's you. I'd be terrified with strangers. Also, I don't know the signs. I'd have no idea how to do any of what you did.'

'I didn't either,' Yoongi mumbled, even though it wasn't something he wanted to talk about right now. 'It's just so damn hard to believe that you really...'

Jungkook's hand curled into the collar of Yoongi's shirt and tugged, distracting him enough to lose track of what he was going to say.

'You're the one who seems unsure. Not me.'

It was true. And it was exactly what made Yoongi struggle to believe it.

'You're unreasonable,' he mumbled. It made Jungkook smile in the prettiest way. He loosened the grip that he had on Yoongi's shirt, but his hand remained where it was, pressed up against his chest, his fingers tracing his naked skin. Again, Yoongi considered kissing him. It was so unreal knowing that he probably could. But he didn't lean in. Instead he let his hand on Jungkook's back run over his shoulders and up to the back of his neck, then down again.

'I still like girls,' Jungkook told him, his voice a little quieter than before, almost as if he was lost in thought all of a sudden. 'I haven't had the best experiences, but I've always been into girls. Maybe that's why it took me longer than you to realise that there was more.'

'Maybe. There's nothing wrong with it either way.'

'I feel like you need more convincing of that than I do.'

But Yoongi shook his head.

'It's not that I think it's wrong. I've never thought that, not even back in Daegu.'

'Good,' was the only thing Jungkook said, and Yoongi was glad for it. It was too late for them to be saying much more, and he didn't want to think about those years right now. He wanted to focus on how Jungkook's body was warming up under his touch, how close he was, how good he smelled. Was this what things were going to be like from now on? Would Jungkook not only find his room late at night, but crawl into his bed and press close to him?

Yoongi's mind was beginning to wander, whether he wanted it to or not. A kiss was one thing, but there was so much more that Yoongi wanted. Could he really have it? Would he get to know those sides of Jungkook, would he learn what he liked, what he was into? What he looked like in those moments, what he sounded like, felt like? It was dizzying to think about, and with Jungkook so close, it made Yoongi's body too interested in him. So he shoved the thoughts away as best as he could.

He'd been the one who had asked for them to take their time. And he still meant it. He didn't want anything frenzied and reckless with Jungkook that Jungkook might back out of like he did with many things he tried and got bored of. He didn't want to give him yet another experience he might regret. Besides, it would hurt too much to let his guard down only to realise there was nothing between them other than a night of curious experimentation.

On his chest, Jungkook's fingers were still dancing over his skin, but more slowly now. Every now and then, he dipped his fingertips below the fabric of his shirt, just as far as he could reach without having to pull at the hem. Then he retreated, tracing his collarbone and up his neck to his jaw. The touch was at once calming and tantalising, depending on how far away Yoongi managed to push his desire. His own hands were still on Jungkook's back and he didn't dare to let them run lower. He didn't trust himself not to pull up his shirt to touch his bare skin, and where would they go from there? Instead, he focused on how Jungkook's neck warmed up slowly, and began to run his hand through his hair slowly and methodically, until he could feel Jungkook's breathing evening out.

'You're gonna fall asleep?' he mumbled, halfway there himself.

'Yoongi,' was the only thing Jungkook whispered in return.

He sounded sleepy, relaxed, and not at all like he was going to get up again. So Yoongi shifted in his arms only to turn off the light, then pulled the blanket around them more tightly. He wrapped his arm back around Jungkook and when he closed his eyes, he couldn't quite believe how quiet his mind had become. Their conversation had made all kinds of thoughts rise up in him, but somehow none of them mattered when the outcome of it was Jungkook falling asleep in his arms.

Chapter Text

Yoongi neither knew what exactly he had expected to change, nor could he say whether he was glad or not when nothing was different in the morning. He woke up next to Jungkook turned away from him and on his belly, his face buried in his own arms, but they didn't have much time alone together before they had to get ready for the day, despite the late schedule. Yoongi had slept so long and so well, he felt better rested than he had in a long time. After Jungkook sleepily rolled out of bed and returned to his own room for a shower, they fell into their routine of work and concerts so easily, Yoongi found himself wondering if they had really said all the things they had said.

Their conversation had felt heavy in the way things only ever felt late at night, but in the morning, Yoongi wasn't sure anymore whether Jungkook had really understood all the things he had meant to say and had done a bad job of putting into words. How serious he was about what was between them, or how badly he wanted it to be more. He also wasn't sure whether Jungkook had said the things he'd said in the same way in which he told Jimin that he loved him, in the way he looked adoringly at Namjoon, or in the way Yoongi wanted him to say them.

He'd felt that they were on the same page, that they had agreed on something, but he couldn't really call it by a name the day after. Maybe that was exactly it, maybe the agreement had been for there to be no labels or expectations or next steps, but Yoongi found himself mulling over their conversation again and again to try and find clues about the future, anyways.

One thing that he did know was that he wasn't making things up entirely. Every time he found Jungkook's eyes across the room now, Jungkook seemed to already be watching him. He was looking for him, too. And Yoongi found himself smiling more often than not, thinking of how there was something between them, however nameless and undefined it might be.

Their stay in Taiwan was interlaced with small moments that got to Yoongi more than they should have. Jungkook pressed their thighs together on the couch backstage, saved Yoongi a seat at almost every meal they had together, volunteered to get coffee for the group when he saw Yoongi yawn, and let his fingers dance over his skin as he fixed the cable of Yoongi's mic that got caught on his belt in his back. Every night, Yoongi hoped that they might find their way to each other again, but they were out of luck. First it was Jin keeping Jungkook busy at the hotel bar for once, then it was Hobi arguing with his girlfriend and talking to Yoongi for hours after midnight, then it was the night of their last show after which they both felt exhausted enough to nearly fall asleep backstage, Jungkook propped up against Yoongi's side.

Before Yoongi knew it, they boarded the plane to Japan for the MAMAs, walked away with a handful of awards, and made their way to Hong Kong to do the same thing again the day after. It was what they had needed after a year full of uncertainty around the future of the group. The reassurance, the success, the final confirmation that they had made the right choice in continuing down that same path together. Namjoon talked of nothing but that, kept going around in circles to pat them all on the back, and left them with grand words of wisdom and encouragement.

It was enough to temporarily distract Yoongi from his constant thoughts revolving around Jungkook. Even though he hated award shows, he couldn't help but feel proud to be there on the second night when he was led onto the stage in Hong Kong. They accepted their award, Hobi stepped up to the mic, and suddenly Yoongi felt his throat tighten at his words. His speech became more emotional than he had expected, and as he looked around, it was easy to tell that the others were just as overwhelmed. It had been a long year, and to end it with so much recognition had them all tearing up in relief and exhaustion.

To Yoongi's surprise, it was Taehyung who wouldn't stop crying, even once they left the stage, and it was Jungkook who held him up. Yoongi would have expected it to be Jimin into whose arms Taehyung would fall, but Jungkook pulled him in close on stage, and behind it he wouldn't leave his side again for the rest of the night. Jungkook himself was red-eyed, too, but he started smiling again when Namjoon ruffled his hair affectionately and told him he had done well. Taehyung's tears however kept falling, no matter how many times Jungkook let him press his face into his wet shirt.

It was rare to see Jungkook like this, in the role of taking care of the others rather than being taken care of. Yoongi was well aware that he did so often enough, in his own way, but the opportunities that he had to show it were few. Too often, Jimin or Hobi would approach them all with open arms and Namjoon would see it as his responsibility as their leader to listen. Seeing Jungkook wipe away Taehyung's tears and doing his best to cheer him up did something to Yoongi that he found difficult to explain.

And still it hit a nerve when Namjoon pointed out the exact same thing in the airport lounge a little later where they gathered in the middle of the night to make their way back to Seoul right after the event was over.

'He's not a kid anymore, huh?'

Namjoon was sipping on a cup of hot lemon tea while he looked over at Jungkook thoughtfully and watched as he, sitting cross legged on the floor in front of Taehyung, put his headphones over Taehyung's ears. Whatever he had put on made Taehyung smile even though he looked exhausted after crying for hours.

'Of course he isn't!' It came out snappier than Yoongi had intended it to, and he rubbed a hand over his tired eyes in frustration. 'Sorry.'

'Moody much?' Namjoon grumbled, though without any heat.

'You know it bothers him, right? How everyone sees him as a kid? He's twenty-one years old.'

'Of course I know,' Namjoon said calmly. 'It's the part of him that gets annoyed and pouty about it that still has some growing up to do.'

Yoongi couldn't really argue with that. He let out a deep sigh and leaned back in his chair. Namjoon took a sip of his tea, then asked, 'Have you fixed whatever was wrong between you? You seem good again.'

Instantly, Yoongi found himself growing tense as he mentally revisited every time he'd been close to Jungkook today. The little touches, the looks, the moments away from the group that they tried to steal whenever they could. Of course Namjoon would notice. He had an eye on them all way more closely than they knew. But would Namjoon pick up on the tension? The longing that Yoongi felt?

'Yeah,' he forced himself to say. 'We're all good.'

'He came to me the other day, you know?'

A sense of unreasonable dread rose up in Yoongi. Had Jungkook involved Namjoon in this without telling him? Had he been the ever obedient idol and asked his leader for permission to date men? Or for advise?

'About what?' His own voice sounded strange to him, enough so that Namjoon handed him his tea to take a sip which Yoongi did without arguing.

'About the past. He asked whether you and I ever talk about life before debut.'

It was better than what Yoongi had momentarily worried Jungkook had done, but nerves continued to flutter in his chest.

'I guess he's curious,' he mumbled. 'He didn't really have a life before debut. Only a childhood.'

'Yeah, that's what he said. He said you talked about Daegu a little and that it made him think.'

Yoongi barely suppressed the groan that rose in his throat. None of these were questions Jungkook shouldn't be asking, but at the same time, they were. Yoongi had spent years hiding, being careful about what he said to even his closest friends, while Jungkook inquired about absolutely everything he wanted to know without thinking.

'Made him think about what?' Yoongi felt obligated to ask.

'Something about how the older members had a life before getting to know him while he hasn't had that. We know all of him while there's like half a decade of Jin Hyung's or your life that Jungkook-ah wasn't a part of.'

'We don't know all of him. He doesn't even know all of himself yet.'

'Do you?'

'Know Jungkook-ah? I mean...'

'Know yourself. You think we ever really do?'

Yoongi leaned his head back. He was feeling anxious all over. This whole conversation was too risky to have, especially when he wasn't fully awake.

'It's too late for this,' he decided. 'You can lecture me about philosophy in the morning.'

'It wasn't supposed to be a lecture,' Namjoon complained, but he took his tea back and accepted Yoongi's refusal to dive into existential questions. 'Anyways, I'm glad you're okay. The two of you.'

Yoongi didn't know when exactly it had become the two of them, when Namjoon had started to think of them as that. But he didn't feel like arguing.

'I am, too,' he admitted instead. 'He's pretty amazing.'

For a second he wanted to take back the words that had slipped out without his permission. But Namjoon only nodded.

'I know. He's grown up well.'

Yoongi made himself take a few deep breaths. He made himself remember how much love there was between all of them, how many times one had called the other way more meaningful things than amazing. Namjoon wouldn't know how he had really meant it. Not when Jungkook was currently messing around with Taehyung who was finally cheering up, the two of them too touchy, too happy in each other's space.

Jungkook remained close to Taehyung on the plane, though Yoongi didn't think it still had to do with comforting him. Taehyung fell asleep the moment that they started to taxi and Jungkook got out his phone and began to type. A moment later, Yoongi's phone lit up in his lap. He looked over to the other side of the aisle from where Jungkook was watching him.

On Yoongi's screen a picture of tonight's performance was loading. In it, Jungkook was wearing the white suit he'd put on earlier, his legs were spread rather wide, his hand was on the inside of his thigh. His eyes were directed right at the camera and his hair had fallen into his face in a rather debauched way. Yoongi only stared for a moment, then lifted his gaze up at Jungkook. There was a smirk on his lips that forced Yoongi's heart stupidly offbeat.

For you, Jungkook typed, his smirk turning into a laugh that he tried to hide by running his hand over his mouth.

Thanks.

The response was dry, but it was clear on his face that it was only that in typing. A part of him knew that it was a joke, that Jungkook of course wasn't serious, and yet another part of Yoongi couldn't ignore how annoyingly good looking Jungkook was in the picture. And how it made desire tighten low in his gut knowing that Jungkook had chosen to send it to him only. If they kept this going, what other pictures would he send him?

Good thing the crying came after the performance, Yoongi typed, aiming for a distraction. The red eyes would have been such a turn off.

The rest of it turns you on?

Jungkook was still laughing, was clearly having too much fun with this, and so Yoongi sent him back the water gun emoji which only made him laugh more so that Hobi started asking what was so amusing.

You didn't cry, Jungkook texted a moment later, when Yoongi had already put his phone away and gotten out the book Namjoon had given him. For once, he didn't feel like working.

Well spotted.

Do you not care about the group?

Only about you.

He had sent it before thinking, a clear lie of course, but still it held a truth he would have kept to himself had he given it a moment of thought. He watched Jungkook smile, watched his thumbs hover over the screen for a moment.

Jimin Hyung said you have a soft spot for me.

Yoongi let out a huff that he tried to hide a moment too late.

He wishes that were true about him.

Is is true about me?

Yoongi considered this, looked over at Jungkook to see if he was still smiling, and at seeing that he did, he gave up and typed a simple, Yes.

As Jungkook read his response, his smile changed from amused to satisfied. Not in a smug way, but in a way that made Yoongi want to tell him more. He locked his phone instinctively at the thought.

Will you be at the studio tomorrow? Jungkook asked. Their eyes met over their phones, so Yoongi only had to nod this time. Can I come?

Don't you have work of your own?

I have a vocal lesson in the afternoon and that meeting after, but nothing in the morning.

Yoongi wanted to groan at the meeting Jungkook was referring to. He, too, had to attend it, and it would undoubtably be dull to listen to changes in the company policies for an hour.

If you can get your ass out of bed early enough you can come.

Again, Jungkook smiled. It hurt so good that Yoongi almost typed more and told him that the easiest way to ensure he'd be up on time would be to stay in Yoongi's room over night, but something held him back. He had asked to take things slow. He couldn't be the one to ask for too much of Jungkook's time or company. Also, he didn't know how much longer he could go without kissing Jungkook, and so sharing a bed with him was a dangerous idea.

Still, he missed him when he fell asleep that night. Yoongi had always liked sleeping alone, had always hated when the members invaded his personal space too much, but as with everything else, Jungkook had become an exception. He waited for his knock on the door until he fell asleep, embarrassingly hopeful. But all he heard was Jungkook entering the bathroom across the hall and taking a shower that was so long Yoongi almost started to worry about him.

The next morning, he made a point of leaving without Jungkook when he realised that he wasn't up yet by the time Yoongi had rolled out of bed, poured himself an Americano, and taken a quick shower. He made it to the studio earlier than he had hoped for and got a full two hours of work in before Jungkook joined him, pouting about having been left behind, but also bringing more coffee and breakfast.

His face had broken out a little over night, maybe from all the crying on stage and the overnight flight, but Yoongi loved it when he looked real like this. Everyone else only got the polished version that Jungkook was in front of the cameras, the perfectly smooth and innocent idol, but Yoongi got to see him with reddened skin that he picked at and with sauce from his breakfast burrito stuck to his chin until Yoongi threw a napkin at him.

'Any new songs?' Jungkook asked once he was full and leaned back on the couch with a coffee cup in his hand and that satisfied look on his face that he always got after eating.

Yoongi shook his head. He had stayed by his desk for fear of being too tempted by Jungkook and rolled around in his chair to check his PC screen as if to prove that he was telling the truth.

'I've only been working on the demos. They're nearly ready for recording now.'

'I want to be there for it.'

'What you should do is work on your own music,' Yoongi suggested gently. 'I want to actually hear something one day.'

'So do I,' Jungkook grinned. 'Sadly, not everyone is a musical genius.'

'But you are. And even if you weren't, it's not only about natural talent. You just need to start and be willing to learn how to do better. That, you're definitely good at.'

Jungkook only shrugged. For years he had talked about his own EP or even album, yet whenever he was asked about its process he explained that he had deleted everything he had worked on. Nothing was ever a good enough place to start for him.

'You should listen to some of my first songs,' Yoongi suggested. 'They'll make you feel better about yourself.'

Jungkook immediately sat up straight again and nodded too eagerly.

'I want that. Do you have videos of performances?'

Yoongi shook his head, surprised by the sudden interest.

'They might exist, but I don't have any.'

'Gloss,' Jungkook laughed softly. 'Why that name?'

Yoongi shot him a dirty look.

'I don't know. There's no real story behind it.'

'It suits you somehow, as dumb as it is.'

Again, Yoongi only gave him a look, to which Jungkook threw him a finger heart that was so exaggerated, Yoongi had to laugh.

'I don't know how you did everything you did in Daegu without a group around you,' Jungkook noted. 'I would have never even known where to start without the company or you.'

Yoongi only shrugged. He placed the leftovers of his food onto the desk and wiped his hands on the napkin.

'There was no other way at the time,' he told him. 'And also, I wasn't completely alone. There were other rappers, dancers, producers that I knew. Only they weren't working as a group.'

Jungkook only hummed, then let his gaze flicker to the empty space on the couch next to him. It wasn't exactly an invitation, but it probably was when he did it again, even though he didn't say anything. Maybe, Yoongi thought, he wasn't as confident about any of this as he seemed. Maybe he, too, was wondering what would be too much to ask for and where the lines were.

So Yoongi got up and crossed the room. As uncertain as he felt, he didn't want to leave Jungkook wondering about whether he was wanted here or not. He crossed his legs underneath himself on the couch, facing Jungkook, and made sure that his knee pressed against his thigh. It only took a second for Jungkook to let his hand rest there, right above a small tear in his jeans.

'Why all that interest in Daegu? Joon-ah said you asked him about it, too,' Yoongi found himself wondering out loud. He hadn't been sure whether it was something he wanted to talk to Jungkook about, but now that they were alone, last night's conversation at the airport was on his mind again.

For some reason, Jungkook looked caught.

'I swear I didn't say anything about...'

Yoongi interrupted him with a wave of his hand.

'I know.'

'I also didn't ask about Daegu. Not really. I just said that we talked about it. You and I.'

'You've been thinking about life before debut?'

'The one that I didn't have?' Jungkook muttered. He sounded a little pouty again for no reason Yoongi could easily name just yet. But before he could ask, Jungkook let out a sigh and said, 'It's just weird to think that there were all these people in your life that I never met or heard anything about. You said something about losing friends you had back then and it got me thinking that you've had a lot more time than I did to fall in and out with people.'

Yoongi bit down at the inside of his lip, at once a little nervous about where their conversation was going, again, and amused by how Jungkook was pretending to have a general interest when clearly there were very specific things he wanted to know more about.

'You mean guys,' Yoongi pointed out. 'Guys I've been with.'

Jungkook leaned his head back, knocked it lightly against the wall with a small sigh, then looked over at Yoongi with a slow and rather shy smile on his face. His fingers dug into the fabric nearly covering Yoongi's knee.

'Or girls?' he half asked. 'I'm just curious. I don't know.'

Yoongi slowly nodded. He had no idea what Jungkook expected to hear.

'Is this about me and my past or about guys hooking up in general?'

Jungkook's mouth opened, he seemed a little uncertain, or maybe overwhelmed by the blunt question, but then he said, 'Both. I think about one and it brings me to the other, then back again.'

'You have a lot of time on your hands it seems.'

'You have a lot of stories you never told me,' Jungkook countered. Their eyes met, and Jungkook shifted on the couch so that he was now turned towards Yoongi, their legs touching even more. 'I wanna hear about the friend you lost. Or was there more than one?'

Slowly, Yoongi shrugged. He hadn't expected to talk about Daegu this morning and it took him a moment to even allow the thoughts to come to him.

'One in particular. He was the only one that wasn't a passing thought, I guess. But you know, there weren't that many guys in my life to begin with. I feel like you got the wrong idea somewhere.'

Jungkook breezed right past that last comment.

'Then tell me about him.'

Again, Yoongi had to think for a moment. He had no idea where to start, and it wasn't even that long or complicated of a story to tell.

'He was a rapper, too,' he decided to start with. 'We hung out a lot in high school, or rather during the time we both should have been there but weren't. We got wasted one night, one of the first times that ever happened, so it was easy to achieve, and we ended up messing around. Then it kept happening until it didn't.'

Jungkook kept looking at him expectantly, clearly not satisfied even when it was more than Yoongi had ever told anyone else before.

'I don't want that version of it,' he said quietly. His hand on Yoongi's knee moved a little, drawing his attention.

Yoongi let out a sigh, but it wasn't frustration or annoyance that he felt.

'It's exhausting to dig all of that up,' he mumbled. 'It's not that I don't want to tell you, it's just been so long and I tried to leave it in the past where it belongs.'

'I wanna hear about it.'

Jungkook seemed determined, and so Yoongi nodded again, although he let out a low groan.

'It's still not that great of a story, even if I tell it differently,' he tried. 'I guess I thought we could be more. After the first few times, after it happened without us being drunk. After I got over the initial fear of thinking my family could find out. There was so much anxiety around having that big a secret, but for me the excitement of having found out what I wanted outweighed it after some time. For him it didn't, and that was it.'

'You really think it would be that bad if they ever found out? Your parents?'

The answer came to Yoongi quickly, but before he could nod he reconsidered and tilted his head instead.

'Back then, yes. You don't understand, coming from the family you do where you can just tell your brother about it without a second thought. My parents aren't bad people, my brother certainly isn't, but they always wanted the best for me and they always thought that they knew what that was. It was the same with music, right?'

'Right,' Jungkook muttered, a little angrily, a little protective even, which made Yoongi lean forward and rest his wrists on Jungkook's thigh.

'I wanna say that maybe today they'd be able to at least accept and ignore it. They did admit that they were wrong about music not being the right path for me. So who knows?'

Jungkook sucked on his lower lip, thinking.

'You were always honest with them about music. Why not about your sexuality?'

'Because it doesn't concern them. I've already asked a lot of them in the past. It would only cause unnecessary tension. And it wasn't just them who were difficult about it back then. It was only in Seoul that I met people that thought differently, really.'

'Your friend couldn't have been so averse, given what he did with you.'

Yoongi sighed. It was easy to forget sometimes that as mature as Jungkook had become, he had also grown up sheltered, privileged, and hardly at all before coming to Seoul.

'Not everyone who kisses guys is accepting of it, Kook-ah. He drank himself unconscious most nights after I saw him, he shut me down any time I wanted to talk about it, and refused to acknowledge that it had become more than something that friends did. I thought he'd come to terms with it if we tried long enough, but he never did.'

A glance to the side showed him that Jungkook was still listening, so he kept going.

'After a while, everything I had thought I could maybe feel for him back when we were still friends turned into regret over how we had gotten ourselves into something so messy to begin with. When I walked out on him, he never tried to stop me.'

On his knee, Jungkook's hand started to move in slow circles when he stopped talking. Yoongi looked to the side again and saw him staring down at his fingers, seemingly lost in thought.

'I walked away from that thinking that if I wanted guys, it couldn't be anything real,' Yoongi said. Because Jungkook had wanted to know, and he needed to understand if they were ever going to get anywhere at all, though Yoongi didn't know where that would be yet.

'Once I worked out how, it became so easy to find guys to meet behind clubs on the weekends, and they, too, were so good at sneaking around. I'm not saying they weren't nice guys, some of them I was friendly with, it wasn't all ugly and dark, but they weren't out, they didn't talk about it, they never asked for more. Everything felt so shameful for no real reason. I never did anything I didn't want, but at the same time I didn't really want any of it. And then I came to Seoul and told myself I was done. It was too risky anyways, and for what? It was never more than relief, so...'

Jungkook still didn't say anything, and Yoongi couldn't think of anything else to tell him. Not when he wasn't asked any direct questions. He reached a hand out to the back of Jungkook's neck and ran his fingers over his warm skin that rose up in goosebumps at the touch.

'It's nothing to cry about, Kook-ah,' he tried with a lightness in his tone that was slightly forced. It finally made Jungkook look up again. His eyes were dry, but he did look upset.

'I'm not crying,' he said with determination in his voice. 'It's just fucked up. I understand what you're saying and that it's not that rare of an experience. But I can still think it's unfair, no?'

'I guess, yeah,' Yoongi conceded. He rubbed his fingers over Jungkook's skin. His neck was quickly becoming one of his favourite places to touch him. It always made Jungkook lose focus a little, even if he tried to hide it. 'But all of what happened in Daegu brought me here. And your life in Busan brought you here, too. So we're both pretty lucky I'd say.'

Jungkook's gaze flicked over to him and he sighed.

'Nothing ever happened in Busan. I mean, I loved it there, but I left so early, I never had time to... I never even went to clubs in Busan, like you did. I was fourteen when I last lived there.'

'I know. I know you missed out on a lot, and I understand that maybe you're wishing for the bad parts, too, because they're needed in a way. But it's not like your life in Seoul didn't teach you anything. It's not even like you never dated, if that's what you're talking about.'

Yoongi watched Jungkook's eyes fall shut when he dug his fingers into the skin right at the bottom of his skull and messed up his hair by massaging him there. He shuffled a little closer, made his body lean against Jungkook's side, rested his arm on his back and his chin on his shoulder.

'Kook-ah,' he said quietly. 'Maybe you've only ever been with girls, and maybe you didn't learn how to kiss the way you do in shabby alleyways, but there's a lot of good in that. There's nothing wrong with the way you did things.'

Jungkook's fingers stilled. Yoongi had not expected his face to be so close when Jungkook turned his head and opened his eyes, a smirk playing on his lips, excitement suddenly glowing on his features.

'The way I kiss? How's that?'

Yoongi should have known. He rolled his eyes and tried to pull back, but Jungkook was faster and snuck an arm around him to keep him right where he was, pressed into Jungkook's side.

'You know,' he mumbled. It was impossible not to let his gaze wander down to Jungkook's lips. If his thoughts of Jungkook had been indecent before Paris, things had only gone downhill from there.

The only reason he stopped fighting Jungkook's grip was because he looked so damn happy suddenly when he had been all pouts and thoughtful biting of his lower lip a moment ago. It wasn't an arrogant smile that was playing on his lips, but something a lot more soft, more pleased. Yoongi sighed when he felt Jungkook's fingers brush over his side where he continued to hold him. He was so close. And it would be so easy. Was there a reason not to lean in and kiss him right now?

The smile on Jungkook's lips slowly faded, his gaze dropped, and Yoongi could easily see the nerves underneath his playful demeanour. Or maybe the anticipation. Without giving it another thought he leaned forward, felt their noses brush, felt the intake of Jungkook's breath brush against his lips. Then they were kissing, so much more softly than Yoongi remembered it. It was nothing more than a touch of lips, a quiet reassurance, a spark of a memory Yoongi hadn't even come close to forgetting.

Jungkook shifted, the arm he had around Yoongi tightened, he parted his lips, leaned in a little further. Yoongi knew what would happen, a tingling feeling ran down his back and settled in his belly, a want so deep it made him forget about everything else there was to think about. He wanted the kiss to deepen, wanted Jungkook to ask for it. But what he got instead was a loud knock on the door and the sound of someone punching numbers into the keypad installed outside.

They pulled apart at the same time and equally hastily. Jungkook knocked his elbow against the wall, Yoongi nearly slid off the couch in his effort to bring distance between them. When Namjoon stuck his head into the studio, they were sitting unnaturally, flustered, so damn obvious.

'Oh?' Namjoon made. 'What's going on here?'

'Nothing,' Jungkook stammered, the single word coming out wrong somehow. He had never learned how to lie well, had never needed to do so, and Yoongi envied him for it.

'Kook-ah needs to redo a few guides,' he tried to smooth out the immediate suspicion and confusion on Namjoon's face. 'We're going over the notes I took.'

'What would we do without you, Kookie?' Namjoon smiled. 'I'll come and find you for my own guides soon, just a heads up.'

Jungkook nodded. He still looked too flustered and kept looking back and forth between Yoongi, Namjoon, and the floor too quickly.

'Yeah, Hyung,' he mumbled.

Namjoon sat down on the armrest of the couch, casually, but still with too much intent to stay.

'I came to get you for the meeting. I thought I'd check in on you before I go, make sure you're not rotting away in here again.'

He gave Yoongi a pointed look and rather than pretending to be annoyed, Yoongi made sure to smile appreciatively.

'Kook-ah beat you to it. He brought breakfast and all.'

There was nothing wrong with that bit of the truth, Yoongi thought. A little bit of the truth had always made the best lie, even when Jungkook cast him a nervous look.

'There's time until the meeting,' Yoongi noted once Namjoon was done affectionately patting Jungkook's shoulder. 'You wanna hear a song?'

It was the easiest thing to do to distract them all. Namjoon finished their leftover breakfast as he listened to the guides Jungkook had recorded with increasingly impressed nods. Then he made suggestions and fell into a discussion with Yoongi that Jungkook followed attentively while he chewed on the sleeve of his sweater in a rather child-like fashion, regardless of how many times Yoongi had reassured him that he'd never thought of him that way.

By the time they left for their looming meeting, Yoongi's heart had calmed down. Still, he made sure to leave the studio last and to let his hand brush over Jungkook's lower back as they walked.

...

It was a testament to how busy their lives were when Yoongi found his thoughts circulating around things other than Jungkook for large chunks of the following week, despite the kiss. He left the studio with every intention of finding Jungkook alone as soon as possible, of sneaking into his room that night to continue what they had started, but work yet again not only ruined his plans, but distracted him so thoroughly he could hardly believe it.

Namjoon found him again after the meeting with more comments about the guides they had listened to, and the two of them ended up staying in the studio until it was late enough that Yoongi felt bad at the idea of disrupting Jungkook's sleep that he so rarely got. The next morning, their schedule continued and remained just as hectic as it had been before, including another short trip to Japan for only one night. Somehow, Jungkook still found the energy to stay out with friends too long in the evenings when they didn't have more award shows or shootings scheduled, and they danced around each other for days without ever finding enough time alone together to even really talk.

Even if he'd had the time, Yoongi wasn't sure if he'd have the confidence to seek Jungkook out. Every time Jungkook was around, Yoongi was overly aware of where they stood, of how reaching out to him in ways that he wouldn't do with the others was something Jungkook had allowed, was maybe even expecting, and yet it felt too unreal to pursue it the moment that he was out of sight. It was too easy to tell himself he was imagining things every time Jungkook turned around. And still, he was struck anew by the reality of Jungkook's interest each time he entered a room and looked for Yoongi first, with eyes that spoke of secrets he wasn't used to keeping.

They had kissed, Yoongi kept remembering at random moments of the day. They had kissed again, sober this time, and after Jungkook had had enough time to reflect on what he was doing. It had happened again, and it drove Yoongi crazy knowing that if he wanted to, there was a chance that Jungkook would let him repeat it yet another time. Jungkook had asked him to stop pretending none of this was happening. And still Yoongi didn't find it in him to take another step towards him. Instead he let their bad timing and chaotic schedule happen to them with a little bit of relief.

It was the day before Taehyung's birthday, almost the end of the year, when Jungkook came into the bathroom as Yoongi stood in front of the mirror shaving. His hair was tousled from sleep, he was in briefs and a shirt Yoongi was almost certain had once belonged to Namjoon, and he didn't look quite awake yet. Without saying a word he moved up behind Yoongi, rested his chin on his shoulder, and pressed his warm body against him.

Yoongi sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. How was it that he allowed Jungkook to sleep in the room across the hall by himself when he could have this instead? Their bodies pressed together, Jungkook's warmth and comfort making him feel all kinds of complete.

'I miss you,' Jungkook mumbled right by his ear, his voice soft with sleep. He held him a little more tightly and made Yoongi's heart stumble.

The things Yoongi wanted to say in return were too real, so he simply reached for his razor once more, then let it slide over the last few inches of skin he hadn't yet cleared of the white shaving gel on his face. Behind him, Jungkook watched curiously before he brought a hand up to poke at Yoongi's cheek and swipe up a little of the remaining foam. He smelled his fingers, then wiped them on Yoongi's neck at which he squirmed in his arms.

Yoongi knew for a fact that Jungkook used the very same shaving gel, even though it was barely necessary, and still he always managed to approach things with a curiosity that could hardly be contained. Yoongi mirrored his low laugh, then opened the tap and leaned forward a little to wash his face half-heartedly. He didn't miss the way in which it made him press back against Jungkook's crotch.

For a second Jungkook seemed to still, then his hips shifted away a little, uncertain, before he pressed back up against him with a sigh. He was only in briefs, so Yoongi could feel all of him. He wasn't even hard and still Yoongi's belly somersaulted and his own guts tightened at the sensation. He pressed back a little more under the pretence of reaching for his towel and he could feel Jungkook twitch against his backside before he withdrew.

'Hyung,' he whined. Then he wrapped his arms around Yoongi more tightly the moment he was standing up again. He nosed along Yoongi's jaw, breathing in the remaining scent of product, and let his hands run over his chest. 'What are you doing for New Years?'

Yoongi refused to lean his head back against Jungkook's shoulder even though he wanted to. Instead he turned around so he could face him. It brought a little bit of space between them that he felt ambiguous about.

'It's not New Years in Korea.'

'Don't be difficult.'

Yoongi reached out for the hem of Jungkook's shirt.

'This is Joon-ah's,' he noted. When Jungkook only hummed, he added, 'From the sounds of it I will be recovering from Taehyungie's party.'

Every year since their debut, Taehyung had hoped for a party, but somehow they had always either been on the road or too busy, or sometimes tired, to even think about it. This year, there was no excuse as they had no schedule and a large enough dorm, and so Taehyung had invited every person he had ever spoken to before. Yoongi felt drained even thinking about it and the only two things keeping him afloat were the knowledge that he could escape to the studio should the need arise, and that Jungkook seemed to be looking forward to it.

'You're not going to find a way out of it, right?'

Yoongi smirked. Jungkook knew him too well. But he shook his head.

'Not with how excited Taehyungie is. I wouldn't.'

'Good.' Jungkook nodded, satisfied. 'If you disappear, I'll drag you back here.'

'Or you could come with me,' Yoongi found himself saying, even though he had no idea where his confidence was suddenly coming from. 'I'd much rather hang out at the studio with you.'

Jungkook's smile was wide, but he also pressed his fingers into Yoongi's sides tightly in warning.

'You won't be at the studio. You'll be right here, dancing.'

'Dancing?'

'For Hyung's sake.'

Yoongi scoffed.

'He'll be so plastered he won't know what I do.'

Jungkook tilted his head and considered his words. He did so with a pout that Yoongi raised a hand to, tracing the outline of his lower lip.

'Why, what are you doing on New Years?' Yoongi remembered before Jungkook could say anything more about dancing.

Jungkook shrugged.

'I'm not sure. I was wondering if anyone else was doing anything. It doesn't have to be another party, but we could get together.'

'I'm pretty sure Hoba at least has a schedule out of town.'

Yoongi hated how Jungkook's face fell, even if the disappointment in his features wasn't too grave. He nudged Jungkook's chin before he dropped his hand and said, 'Jimin-ah or Taehyungie will have something planned that you can join, no?'

'Yeah, I guess. But I like when we're with the group.'

'Let's try for real New Years. This one means nothing, anyways.'

'We'll be on our way to the Grammy's then, Hyung.'

Yoongi gave him a smile.

'You already checked? Since when do you care so much about holidays?'

'Since we've missed Chuseok for the hundredth time in a row, and then we had to accept awards on Christmas. It's been a busy year.'

He was right, of course. Yoongi hadn't celebrated holidays with his family in years, and whenever the group found time to at least have dinner and few drinks, it felt like any other night that they got together. Somewhere along the road they had lost the energy it took to acknowledge festivities, except for Taehyung's birthday apparently. But he had worked hard for the party to be high on everyone's list of priorities.

'It has been busy,' Yoongi agreed. He took a deep breath, then allowed himself to say, 'We should have a drink tomorrow, yeah? I've hardly seen you this week.'

When Jungkook nodded, he seemed to come a little closer.

'But it's not on purpose? You're not avoiding me?'

'No.' His answer came out with a firmness Yoongi didn't even try to soften. It wasn't often that Jungkook became needy like this, he usually suffered invalidation or uncertainty in silence. 'It's just new and strange and I don't know how much... Yeah.'

'Yeah,' Jungkook echoed, a small smile on his lips for reasons Yoongi didn't know. 'But Hyung, maybe you're thinking too much.'

Jungkook's hands were still on Yoongi's waist, and he rubbed them over his sides a little as he spoke.

'Well, maybe you're thinking too little.'

They both knew that Jungkook was right. Again. Yoongi wanted so badly to be able to do things his way, to find the excitement that Jungkook seemed to feel, but it only ever came to him in waves that then crashed and left him feeling anxious again.

'I think that you're cute, Hyung.'

Jungkook was still smiling, but there was something vulnerable in his voice that made his words feel heavier, more honest, than the compliments they all threw at each other all day. Yoongi swallowed against the response that rose up in him and simply brushed his thumbs over the back of Jungkook's neck to make him shiver.

'Wearing Joon-ah's shirt isn't going to help with the teasing, you know.'

It was an easy distraction, something that made Jungkook look down and drop the expecting look he'd been giving Yoongi.

'I cared when I was fifteen, not now. Maybe it's even better this way.'

'Better how?'

'If the joke is that I'm in love with Hyung, they won't focus on you and me too much.'

Yoongi had never thought of it this way. He hadn't wanted to think about the others much at all, or about the idea of Jungkook being into Namjoon, which was probably at least partly true even if he denied it. He wasn't even ready to accept that it was he himself that Jungkook was interested in, so thinking about what the members were noticing or not was only ever on his mind when they did suddenly pay too much attention so that Yoongi took a step away from Jungkook.

'You don't think it's better if the joke is about a girl?'

Jungkook rolled his eyes at him and finally took a step back to give him some space. He didn't truly seem annoyed though.

'So what, I should make one up?'

Yoongi reached out to pull at his short sleeve and let it fall back against his arm.

'I'm not trying to argue, Kook-ah.'

'How are they not up your ass all the time?' was Jungkook's response. 'I get so much shit about Namjoon Hyung, and just about every girl I look at. How did you get them to leave you alone?'

'I didn't. Just the other day Hobi said he'd take me to a bar to get me laid.'

Yoongi didn't know whether to laugh or not when Jungkook's face fell so quickly, the small laugh he forced didn't help him anymore. He took a step forward, right back into Jungkook's space he had only just left. Jungkook was taller than him, but not enough so that Yoongi couldn't easily reach up and brush a kiss against his jaw.

'Not going to happen,' he reassured him. 'No way.'

Jungkook cleared his throat.

'I wasn't worried.'

'Uhuh.'

'Hyung,' Jungkook made, half amused and half whiny. 'You're the one who was scared I'd sleep around in Busan.'

Yoongi ignored him with a pointed look. When he passed by him, Jungkook reached a hand out to keep him where he was, but he didn't let him. He had to get going, and he could hear footsteps on the stairs to the upstairs level they were on.

'I'll see you later,' he said, even when all he wanted was to stay right where he was. Jungkook's hand that had reached for his shirt slid down his arm until their hands brushed in a silent goodbye.

Chapter Text

Jungkook was mesmerising. Everything about him drew Yoongi's attention, whether he liked it or not. There wasn't even any point in fighting it. A few drinks in, Yoongi had started to let his gaze wander, and now, after a few more, he was openly staring at where Jungkook was giggling uncontrollably into a constantly refilled plastic cup. Jimin clung to his arm as they listened to a story one of Taehyung's actor friends was telling so loudly even Yoongi could hear it from across the living room, but he didn't bother to listen properly.

The amount of people that had shown up at the dorm was impossible. Yoongi had always known that Taehyung was social, extroverted, but apparently word about his party had spread wider than anyone had anticipated. Even Taehyung seemed overwhelmed and was bouncing from one cluster of people to the next, shouting introductions so happily that it made Yoongi glad he hadn't truly considered staying away. But Taehyung wasn't who Yoongi was interested in.

Jungkook was always beautiful, but there was something about him tonight that drove Yoongi crazy. Maybe it was the alcohol in his system, the wild energy that had built up over the course of the evening, or the way that Jungkook seemed to be endlessly happy tonight. His cheeks were glowing, his eyes were bright, and every time Yoongi found him in the crowd he was laughing or smiling. It probably helped that Jimin stuck close to him. As much as Jungkook loved going out, he wasn't easily himself around strangers, even when it came more naturally to him the older he got.

Yoongi knocked back another drink at the kitchen counter that he had glued himself to after too many rounds of a stupid drinking game with Taehyung himself, when Jungkook started to dance, one hand loosely on Jimin's side, the other holding his drink. There had been too many of them in his hands tonight for Yoongi to follow, and the way that he moved to the music proved it. Jungkook closed his eyes, threw his head back, and rolled his hips sensually, the way that he did on stage. Only now he did it for himself, not for a crowd.

Even though it had been weeks, months even by now, Yoongi still remembered too well what it felt like to have his body grind into his own to a seductive beat. And he knew he wasn't the only one thinking about it, imagining it. There was a group of girls over by the window that Yoongi only vaguely recognised as dancers, though he couldn't remember for which performance they had last joined them. At least two of them had their eyes on Jungkook. Yoongi had caught them earlier as they had both watched him, recognised their shared focus for what it was, and stuck their heads together.

But so far, no one had dared to speak to Jungkook for long. No one but Taehyung's actor friends that Yoongi knew Jungkook had hung out with at least a few times before. He had found his spot at the foot of the stairs with them and hadn't moved away from there in a while, though he continued to accept new drinks that were brought to him. As the beat dropped, he raised one hand into the air together with Jimin by his side, then brought his cup to his lips once more.

Maybe he could feel Yoongi's gaze on him, but if that were it, he should have looked over at him sooner. Whatever it was, Jungkook's eyes turned soft with a smile as they met Yoongi's over the brim of his cup. His hips were still moving, but the song was about to change and his body anticipated it by slowing down.

Yoongi reached for the bottle of whisky he had placed in front of himself, but didn't refill his glass until Jungkook broke their moment by stepping aside to let a group of people upstairs that had no business being up on the second floor they had originally agreed to keep out of bounds tonight. Once the whisky covered the bottom of his glass, he topped it off with coke. It wasn't fancy, wasn't how he usually enjoyed drinking, but the night was too long to forego the mixers and drink straight up liquor, if on the rocks. He already felt the shots he'd taken during the game too strongly.

Yoongi took a sip, caught Jungkook's gaze once more, and watched him take a step towards him. He sat up straighter in anticipation, but then Jungkook halted, his attention caught by something or someone behind Yoongi, and so he turned.

'Yoongi-ssi.' The guy standing in front of him bowed so deeply, Yoongi wasn't able to make out his face until he straightened back up and he could recognise him as one of the younger trainees ready to debut. He cast another glance over at where Jungkook was now biting back a laugh, presumably at the too deep bow of respect that Jungkook himself had never once given to Yoongi before.

'Hyung is fine,' Yoongi said. He had to concentrate not to slur the words. The world had become too liquid in the last half hour, and speaking felt like riding unsteady waves.

'Oh, wow. I'm Kang Taehyun.'

'I know.' It wasn't a full lie. Yoongi wouldn't have remembered his name, but he knew it when he heard it. They didn't often run into the younger trainees at the company, but it wasn't like he hadn't heard that there was a group ready to debut under Big Hit in only a short few months. 'I wasn't aware that you're friends with Taehyung-ah.'

'Hyung invited the girls,' Taehyun explained, his cheeks a little rosy suddenly, 'And the invitation was extended. He made a group chat with all the long term trainees.'

Yoongi let out a small laugh. In so many ways, Taehyung could be his polar opposite, and yet he loved him to death. Taehyung, Yoongi thought, would have known what to say next. But he himself had no idea. He only nodded in understanding, then waited.

'Yoongi Hyung,' Taehyun tried. Why was he so goddamn nervous? 'I just wanted to say how much I love your solo EP. I'd buy you a drink, but I guess you're all set. And you live here, anyways, so...'

'Ah,' Yoongi waved him off and knocked the bar stool next to him back an inch with his foot. 'No need to be all formal and scared. Let me tell you how terribly the second EP is coming along and you'll lose all of that.'

He waved his hand and indicated Taehyun's anxiously fumbling hands and the blush on his face. A little too eagerly, Taehyun climbed onto the chair he'd been offered, and Yoongi leaned forward conspiratorially.

'So I had Jungkook-ah record all these guides, right?'

He lost track of how long he talked for, but it didn't matter because whatever he said, Taehyun nodded eagerly and hummed in agreement. If half of Yoongi's drunk rambling was about Jungkook's vocals and the insane guide tracks he had gifted him with, Yoongi didn't care. Here was someone who was interested in his music, who looked at him as if he was taking mental notes of every single thing he had to say about it, and so he kept going.

He poured Taehyun a drink, then another one, and slapped his back when he coughed at how strong the mixer had accidentally become.

'Sorry, sorry.' Yoongi wasn't drunk enough to be unable to hold a conversation, but somehow his words just wouldn't come out smoothly enough. 'Here,' he poured a bit more coke into Taehyun's glass. 'Anyways, so Kook-ah's done this rap part, right? I didn't ask him to do the rapping, but he did it anyways. Have you head him rap before? I don't know how he does it, he's like...'

Yoongi threw his hands up into the air in frustration and awe and watched Taehyun laugh and take a sip of his now overly full glass.

'In the earlier songs he rapped,' Taehyun noted, and Yoongi threw a hand on his shoulder in pride.

'Exactly! He just came here and did it all! Wait, have you met him before?'

Taehyun shrugged his shoulders, but Yoongi hardly saw it. He was already turning around to find Jungkook in the crowd. He was dancing again, and to Yoongi's dismay one of the girls he had noted earlier was now a lot closer to him. Jungkook was focused on the group of guys he was with, they were growing increasingly more wild in their movements, making each other laugh, but if he took a few steps back, there wasn't much further to go until he'd bump into her.

'I've met him, but I didn't really talk to him. He was very quiet.'

Of course. It was how Jungkook was with strangers. Not with Yoongi, not with any of the members, but it made sense that Jungkook would be shy around trainees he had no business with, especially if he wasn't used to being a Hyung to anyone in the industry.

Over by the stairs, Jungkook took another step back. The song was changing again and he made a face at the terrible choice whoever was in charge of the music had made. Then he pointed at his empty cup, grabbed Jimin's, too, and turned around. It was no coincidence that the girl who had worked her way towards him was suddenly right in front of him. Yoongi tensed, but then eased up again when Jungkook only raised his hands up a little higher, whether to avoid getting the dirty cups on anyone's clothes or to avoid touching the girl now looking up at him with too much sweetness on her face, Yoongi didn't know. Jungkook moved past her so quickly, Yoongi didn't even have time to overthink it.

'You can meet him properly now,' he realised. The volume of the music tuned out Taehyun's response if he gave one. Yoongi was fully prepared to introduce Jungkook as the goddamn genius that he was, but he never got to do so.

At the same time at which Hobi threw himself around Jungkook's shoulders and intercepted his path to the bar, Namjoon suddenly showed up behind Yoongi and snuck an arm around him to reach the bottle of whisky.

'I've been watching you kill this thing all by yourself,' he said, at once serious and not. 'Good to see Taehyun-ah is being a golden Dongsaeng and keeping you company at least.'

Taehyun nearly slid off the bar stool by bowing too quickly, and Yoongi fell into a laugh that he wouldn't have let out sober. Of course Namjoon would know the trainees better than Yoongi did. He'd probably made a point of seeking them all out to offer advise in the past, or maybe he had even been asked to weigh in on decisions about their future.

'There's only one person that's golden, but have a drink, Joon-ah,' Yoongi offered and reached out over the bar to grab another glass.

'And your soft spot for him is touching,' Namjoon grinned. Yoongi had to turn in order to understand whether he meant it in a way that was potentially dangerous or not. He realised in an instant that Namjoon was as far gone as he himself was, if not worse off. His cheeks were glowing, his pupils blown wide, and he looked so giddy, there was no way he was actually about to dive too deep into Yoongi's obsessive side.

'Taehyun-ah,' Namjoon all but yelled. 'Are you excited for your debut?'

All Yoongi had to do from there was sit back and let Namjoon ask an endless stream of questions about what Taehyun's group had prepared for their debut and how Taehyun felt about it. They talked about their leader, how he'd been chosen, and what Taehyun could do to make his life as easy as it could be. All the while, their glasses were refilled, and Taehyun looked increasingly more messy, with his lips bright red and puffy and his eyes a little unfocused.

It took a while for Jungkook to finally make it to the bar, and when he managed it, he didn't linger. He merely refilled the two cups in his hand with a pre-made mixer of soju and watermelon juice that Yoongi hadn't dared to touch yet, then he set off again. He stopped by Yoongi only for a second, only to lean in close and ask, right by his ear, 'Are you happy?'

Yoongi nodded, and as he did so, he realised that it wasn't even a lie. He didn't love parties, but this one was okay. He was at home, he had found a place to sit, and Jungkook was in his line of sight. He reached for Jungkook's sleeve before he could turn, leaned in, and told him, 'I can't stop looking at you.'

With Jungkook this close, there was an immediate pull, a need to draw him in even closer and wrap his arms around him, let his hands wander, find his heated up skin to caress. But he couldn't. Of course he couldn't. He suppressed a shudder when Jungkook responded with, 'I know,' and a bright smile that brushed against his cheekbone. Then he drew back, offered his cup for Yoongi to try which he shook his head at, and was gone again.

Yoongi's mind was spinning. He felt as if the interaction had lasted minutes, hours maybe, but when he turned, Namjoon was still on the same subject he was lecturing Taehyun about and seemed to never have noticed that Jungkook had even been there. Yoongi had lost track of the conversation a while ago, and he didn't make an attempt to rejoin it. Over by the stairs, Jungkook was now talking to a guy Yoongi didn't know, but who was too pretty for his own good. Judging by the way that Jungkook kept looking over at him, he was well aware that Yoongi had his eyes on him, and was enjoying it, too.

'There's no point in not going for what you want,' Namjoon decided next to him, and Yoongi startled before he realised that he was still talking to Taehyun whose wide eyes were glued to him. 'I know it's scary, but the only way you're going to get where you want to be is by going there, you know what I mean? You won't get anywhere if you don't set your mind to it and take a step forward.'

He was talking about the group of course, about success and confidence and all the things Yoongi had heard from him too many times before.

'Of course you need to earn your place in the industry, and there's nothing worse than arrogance, especially at such an early stage, but if you let anyone think you don't belong, that's what they'll believe.'

Taehyun nodded eagerly. Yoongi didn't know how much whisky he'd had, if he was even still listening, but he didn't seem to dare to miss a second of Namjoon's wisdom. Was he aware of how out of it Namjoon was? How much more he could give him sober?

Jungkook was dancing again now. Not with the guy he'd been talking to, but by himself. He looked over at Yoongi before downing his drink and throwing his arms around Jimin who was happy to move with him. It wasn't indecent, not at all like how he'd danced with Yoongi in Paris, but it was easy to imagine. To have Jungkook that close, that happy, that carefree. Yoongi wanted it. Wanted to feel his body press against his own, wanted to be in his space like he belonged there.

'You just gotta go for it,' Namjoon slurred now. He was getting too excited, was tripping over his words the way he didn't often do. 'Right now is not the time to be shy or modest.'

He nearly knocked his glass over in his eagerness. Next to him, Taehyun nodded once more and thanked Namjoon profusely. The girl Yoongi had seen near Jungkook was there again, coming up behind him.

'I'm gonna use the bathroom.'

He slid off the barstool more unsteadily than he had anticipated and had to hold on to the counter until he'd found his balance. After a few steps, the room stopped swaying. Yoongi was drunk, but he knew how to handle himself and would function if he had to. Right now, it wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want to find himself some fresh air and water and sober up. He wanted something else.

When he reached the stairs, he bypassed an excited Jimin who tried to get him to dance, and made sure to meet Jungkook's gaze as he waved Jimin off with an, 'I'm going upstairs.'

No one would question him. He'd already stayed with the crowd for longer than had probably been expected. It was way past midnight, and no one was sober enough to keep track of him anyways. Or of Jungkook.

The hallway upstairs was quiet, though Yoongi could hear voices coming both from the bathroom and Namjoon's room which shouldn't have been the case if Namjoon himself was downstairs. But if whoever had found themselves a quiet place to be, or a bed to fall down on, Yoongi was only glad that they hadn't chosen his room. He opened the door and didn't even have time to get inside before Jungkook showed up behind him.

'That wasn't even a minute,' he grinned, though he didn't feel like complaining when Jungkook wrapped his arms around him from behind.

'No one cares, Hyung.'

Usually, Yoongi would argue. He didn't agree, but maybe right now Jungkook was right. It was late, people were drunk, it wasn't a secret that Yoongi liked to withdraw from parties, and neither would it surprise anyone at this point if it was Jungkook who went to check on him or who disappeared with him. Yoongi was so tired of thinking, so tired of saying no when Jungkook was right there, finally, after so many months of longing.

He turned around, and even though he knew that this was exactly how last time had gone, that this was exactly the kind of impulsive decision he had regretted making in Paris, he closed all space between Jungkook and him. It only took him one good push to have Jungkook up against the door he must have closed behind him after following Yoongi. Jungkook's gasp was eager, a little overwhelmed, but full of anticipation. It got lost against Yoongi's lips.

Jungkook tasted like watermelon, like pure sugar and something more exciting. Yoongi could't help but let out a sigh. All the tension, all the restraint he held within himself any time Jungkook was around fell away from him. He melted at the touch of his lips, at the heat of his mouth, and shoved everything else away. For a brief second he saw moments flash by behind his eyes. Jungkook's confession up on the roof in Berlin, heated touches behind the club in Paris, drunk rambling about hook ups in Oakland. Jungkook's hand on his thigh at a hotel room in Tokyo, him crawling underneath his blanket in Taiwan, pulling his shirt down near the showers with red ears. Jungkook wanted this. He wanted this.

And God, Yoongi was so full of need for him, he would go crazy if he had to turn away from him one more time. He pressed up closer to him and kissed him more deeply. Jungkook's hands were running over Yoongi's back, everywhere he could reach, his shoulders, his sides, the back of his neck. It was messy and just like Yoongi felt. Their kiss was heated, too wild, making up for too many lost opportunities. It set Yoongi's insides on fire, he could barely control the tight, insisting desire that built in his gut. It had been so damn long. So long since anyone, but also too long since Jungkook. It would always be too long.

Lust made Yoongi feel dizzy, all fogged up so that he hardly noticed how aggressively he was crowding up against Jungkook. But Jungkook only kept kissing him back harder, pulled him in closer by the hips. It was the small, panting breaths Jungkook kept letting out that made Yoongi's cock throb. He sounded so overwhelmed, so entirely lost in it, Yoongi wanted to listen to nothing but his fucked up breathing for the rest of his life. He thought about how Jungkook had asked him what it felt like to be attracted to guys, and all he could give him was this, this, this. His short hair, his muscles, his strength, his raspy breaths, his scent, his slightly calloused hands.

He wanted Jungkook naked, wanted to touch him, wanted to know what other sounds he might make, how good Yoongi could make him feel, what he would look like when he was lost in pleasure. Right now, Yoongi was too occupied to draw back and see his face. Under his touch, Jungkook was squirming, arching into him, trying to buck his hips up, and it drove Yoongi crazy. He kept him pinned to the door, knowing full well that Jungkook could push him off in a heartbeat if he wanted to. He had to keep a little bit of space between them where his hand was running down Jungkook's chest, but it was easy to shift his hips and feel how hard Jungkook was, pressed up against him now that Yoongi allowed it.

The moan Jungkook let out was desperate, deep, half swallowed up, and yet it made Yoongi shudder against him. He ran his hand under Jungkook's shirt, felt how heated up his skin was, how soft and smooth and perfect he was. His abs were tight, but what Yoongi loved the most was the softness of his belly and sides. And the way that he bucked his hips up at the touch, rubbing up and into Yoongi as best as he could. His own hands pulled at Yoongi's lower back once more, and that was when Yoongi snapped.

He rolled his own hips forward, entirely shameless in how hard he was, how he was pulsing against Jungkook's upper thigh. The sound Jungkook let out nearly made him fall apart. He did it again, ground his hips into the firmness of Jungkook's body, and gasped with how good it felt. He didn't remember it ever being this good, or needing relief this badly. Jungkook all but whined above him, his tongue licked into his mouth at the first chance he got when Yoongi's lips fell apart on his gasp. Their bodies found each other once more, and then Yoongi felt the grip Jungkook had on his sides tighten before he was pushed back.

For a second, Yoongi thought Jungkook would lift him. His hands dropped so low, to his ass, but then they slid back up to his hips from where he pulled him close. Jungkook held him so tightly as he walked them backwards, Yoongi had to think about nothing at all. All he had to do was move his legs when Jungkook's thighs pushed up against them. And then he was falling, stumbling, fighting a sickening feeling in his stomach even when he had already hit the mattress.

Jungkook caught them both, but only barely. He still had his hands wrapped securely around Yoongi, but it was obvious that how he had tripped had surprised him. There was just enough room for him to get a knee up on the mattress and lean over Yoongi where he steadied himself. God, the way he looked made Yoongi's stomach drop. His eyes were so dark, his lips so puffy, his chest heaving with how he was panting. On his back, Yoongi's hand twitched with the desire to run it down lower, to his front, to palm him over his jeans and watch the reaction it would get him.

But Jungkook seemed distracted for a moment by how they had fallen, by how he was between Yoongi's legs. He looked down their bodies, adjusted himself a little, then seemed to consider Yoongi's right thigh that he had raised instinctively to hold on to something. The way that Jungkook's one hand was spread on his side made Yoongi feel small, and the way that his leg was hitched up didn't help.

It was as if he could read Jungkook's thoughts. He knew he was thinking about the last time, or all the times, he'd had a girl underneath him like this. Was probably wondering whether it was okay to hold Yoongi this way, was thinking about where his hands were supposed to go. He started fidgeting, bit his lip, and when his gaze met Yoongi's, Yoongi was reminded all at once of how far from sober they both were.

He still felt a little sick from the gross, sinking feeling of falling, and Jungkook's eyes were suddenly so wide, so spaced out, that Yoongi couldn't ignore it. He brought the hand that had considered moving between their bodies up to the back of Jungkook's neck instead and smiled when he shuddered at the brush of his thumb against his sensitive skin.

'It's a lot, huh?' Yoongi asked. He smiled harder when Jungkook shook his head too quickly, but didn't say anything. 'I'm really, really drunk.'

It was easier to make this about himself than to try and convince Jungkook that him being wasted for his very first experience like this was a bad idea.

'I had so much soju,' Jungkook mumbled in return. 'Do I taste like soju?'

Yoongi shook his head.

'Sweeter. So good.'

The look Jungkook gave him was almost shy, but a smile played on his lips.

'I really want to...' he began, but then trailed off. He leaned down to nose along Yoongi's jaw, then let out a tickling sigh right by his ear. ''m so hard, Hyung.'

It was alcohol that made him say it, Yoongi was sure of it, and still it sent a hot sting of pleasure straight to his cock. He had to fight the way that his body wanted to roll up and into Jungkook's, feel the truth of his words for himself once more. It was insane to hear Jungkook speak that way, to see this side of him at all, and Yoongi thought he might be addicted to it already.

'I know,' he whispered, sighed. 'You don't know how I want you, Kook-ah. Turn me on so much.'

Jungkook whined into his ear, brought his hips down and into Yoongi's, then gasped at the pressure.

'Kook-ah,' Yoongi all but moaned, but managed to bring his hands to Jungkook's hips to still them. 'We'll both regret this. It's not supposed to be like this, no?'

Jungkook took a few deep breaths, and Yoongi ached with how shuddery they were.

'I know,' he eventually said. 'I still want to.'

Yoongi pushed at his chest a little and Jungkook stumbled and fell forward and half on top of Yoongi, half onto the mattress next to him so easily that it made them both laugh.

'I'll always want you.'

It was too big of a confession to make, too heavy in their joy, but Jungkook seemed to hardly realise it. He only pressed a kiss to Yoongi's jaw, then rolled over a little more.

'That picture you sent me' Yoongi kept mumbling without really thinking. 'I still look at it. I always look at you, I don't know how...'

He trailed off. Jungkook was breathing rather hard next to him, and Yoongi swore he heard his breath catch altogether for a moment.

'Should send me one back. But not a press one. No clothes.'

It was so insane of an idea, Yoongi could only smile. His head was spinning with how turned on he was, but also with how drunk he was. Laying down like this made him feel like it would be impossible to get up again.

'Mmhh,' he hummed, as if in contemplation. 'I don't think we're there yet.'

Jungkook let out a giggle so sweet, Yoongi wanted to draw him back in and taste it on his lips.

'I think about it though,' he told him. He was still a little breathless and everything he said sounded like in a dream, a dirty whisper right into Yoongi's ear. 'What you'd look like with your hand around...'

'Jesus, Kook,' Yoongi groaned, a hand reaching out to slap his side rather hard. 'How drunk are you?'

Jungkook only laughed again. 'So drunk. I feel so good.'

'I feel unreal.'

It didn't make any sense, but to Yoongi's drunken mind it did. He wasn't sure if any of this was really happening, if his body was even his own. It had been so long since he'd let himself ask for what he wanted, since he'd felt a need like this, and even if the thrumming in his body weakened by the minute, it still had a grip on him.

'Does it bother you? That I think about you?' Jungkook now asked. Even through his still evident giddiness, Yoongi could hear the seriousness of the question. He sighed and rolled onto his side even though it made his stomach nearly turn over.

'You don't wanna know the things that I've thought about you before.'

It was as close as he'd ever come to telling Jungkook the truth about how he really felt about him, and all he got for it was more excited giggling. He'd known that Jungkook was drunk, it was why he had stopped when he had, and still he pushed at his chest a little in annoyance that didn't really make its way through to him.

'I do wanna know,' Jungkook decided, but Yoongi immediately shook his head.

'Not a chance.'

Jungkook gave him a pout that Yoongi couldn't help but kiss. It was brief, sweet, but Jungkook instantly leaned in to chase it. It only made him pout harder when Yoongi didn't let him.

'Tell me something else then.' Jungkook's pupils were so blown, his eyes were completely black. He just wouldn't stop smiling, but he lowered his voice a little more, as if what he wanted to know was a secret meant for no one but the two of them. 'What does it feel like? To have someone... inside?'

Yoongi waited for the laugh he'd follow his words with, but it didn't come. All he got was expectant eyes, wide as ever, a glint of something wild in them that wasn't often there, even if Jungkook was their youngest. Yoongi had no idea what it was that had him so utterly shameless tonight, but there was something so intriguing about his unfiltered curiosity, he couldn't even shut him down again or shove him off.

'Have you tried?' Jungkook asked when he couldn't find his words quickly enough.

'I have,' Yoongi admitted. 'And it feels good. But... I don't know, it's not what porn makes you think it is.'

Jungkook was hanging on to his lips much in a similar way as Taehyun had done to Namjoon downstairs.

'Porn is what made me think it's good though.'

Yoongi had to close his eyes for a moment. He couldn't, wouldn't imagine Jungkook late at night, exploring his curiosity about guys under the covers, a hand around himself. Or maybe fingers slipping inside.

'That's exactly what I mean. Is it a recent realisation?'

Jungkook nodded, a smile back on his face, and it made a strand of hair fall into his face that Yoongi reached out for.

'I always liked looking at guys,' Jungkook told him, his voice still low. 'But I thought it was about what they did to the girls. Apparently it's still good without them.'

'I only ever looked at the guys, I never even tried not to.' Yoongi let his hand brush down Jungkook's jaw. His drunk self had to laugh at the realisation that while his early teenage years had been marked by the terrifying idea of being caught watching porn he actually liked, Jungkook was here, smiling about it, apparently with no care in the world about who at the dorm might accidentally discover his browsing history. In so many ways, Yoongi envied him for how late his self-realisation had come. Late enough for him to be out of his parents' house and safe, independent, smarter than he'd been a decade ago.

His thoughts had drifted off only for a second, but Jungkook took his moment of distraction to sneak another kiss onto his lips.

'Taehyun-ah is in love with you.'

His voice was so casual, so amused, it took Yoongi a moment to follow, and still all he could say was, 'What?'

'Taehyun-ah,' Jungkook repeated. 'He looks at you like I looked at Namjoon Hyung the first day I met him.'

'He looks that way at all of us,' was what instinct made him say. Then he backtracked. 'You admit it then? Your undying love for Joon-ah?'

Again, Jungkook laughed. It was so addicting, Yoongi wished he could never hear anything else from him. Other maybe than his heavy breathing and those soft little moans and whines.

'Here's what I think.' Jungkook stumbled over his words a little when he spoke too quickly. 'Maybe I had a thing for him. I probably did, I just didn't recognise it for what it was. But then I got to know him, and you know how people look different to you once you're close to them? He became my Hyung, and that's so much better than...'

Yoongi placed a finger onto his lips when he tripped over his words once more in his rush to get them out.

'I know, I know,' he grinned. 'You don't have to justify or explain it. Never with me.'

'It's so much better the other way around,' Jungkook said against the tip of Yoongi's finger. His lips were so soft, so warm, a little sticky either from all the sugary drinks he'd had or from their kiss. 'I've never become attracted to a friend before. It's so strange, but it's better this way. It feels like everything I've felt for you before, just intensified by a million.'

Yoongi pressed against his lips harder until he stopped speaking.

'Don't say shit like that. Not when you're drunk, anyways,' he mumbled.

There was a hint of disappointment in Jungkook's eyes, but only for a second. And Yoongi was too drunk to really notice it, anyways. The moment that he knew it, he forgot about it.

'Should we talk more about porn then?' Jungkook tried. His tongue brushed against Yoongi's finger on purpose and he withdrew it, trailing it over Jungkook's jaw.

'Shut up. I don't need that image of you in my head.'

This time, Jungkook buried his head in Yoongi's shoulder as he laughed.

'You're allowed,' he whispered. 'You don't need to bubblewrap me.'

But Yoongi was thinking back to that look in Jungkook's eyes a moment ago, that moment in which he had seemed so overwhelmed, propped up on top of him. Whatever Jungkook was saying, Yoongi didn't believe for a second that the reality of what they were doing wasn't going to catch up with him. That everything he was learning about himself was really just exciting to him. And when that moment came in which Jungkook finally paused to think, Yoongi didn't want there to be any regrets about having moved too fast or said too much or shared too soon.

'You talk with Jimin-ah this way?' he asked. He shifted on the mattress so he could sneak an arm around Jungkook that he leaned into eagerly.

'A little. Tae Hyung sent me porn when I first came here. Not right away, but once he realised I felt a bit left out whenever you guys went on about sex. It's not like I can't talk about it.'

'Back then you couldn't. You were so shy.'

'Yeah. Before Tae Hyung happened to me.'

Yoongi stroked a hand through Jungkook's hair. Both their bodies were still so warm. Maybe they should open a window, but Yoongi wasn't about to get up. He was too busy thinking about Jungkook back in the day, and how impossible it seemed that that same person was here with him now, talking to him in ways that suggested a level of intimacy that Yoongi hadn't had with anyone in so damn long. He joked around with Namjoon, with Hobi, with any of the guys, but he didn't talk to them about what turned him on. About what kind of porn he enjoyed. They didn't know enough for him to be honest like that.

'I'm so glad you know,' he found himself saying after a while. 'It feels so damn good to finally have someone know.'

He only realised he hadn't exactly made it easy for Jungkook to follow his thoughts when it took him a moment to respond, but just when he was about to specify what he meant, Jungkook hummed.

'I want you to tell me everything. I want to be that person for you.'

'You are, Kook-ah. You already are.'

Yoongi pulled him into his side more closely and sighed when Jungkook let him and crawled up right next to him. Finally, his breathing had slowed down. He seemed to have gone straight from horny to cheerful to sleepy. As Yoongi listened to his slowing breaths, he let his hand wander over his back. It was no longer insisting and heated now, but not any less addicting.

Yoongi wanted it all. Every single thing Jungkook was willing to offer him.

...

When Yoongi woke up, his throat felt parched and his head pounded so hard, for a moment he couldn't even remember where he was or what had happened. He recognised his suffering quickly enough to understand that it was alcohol that had caused it, but to remember the party took longer. Jungkook was all over his mind, every attempt at recalling the evening brought his scent and his laugh and his body heat with it. Still, Yoongi felt certain that his lips had been a dream until he opened his eyes and slowly took in his surroundings.

The bedding next to him was messy, his second pillow too flat, and right by the foot of the mattress was a pair of jeans Yoongi knew wasn't his own. He didn't remember Jungkook taking them off, but he knew that he had fallen asleep right here, wearing them. A drowsy look at his phone told him it was still early. Early enough that Jungkook couldn't have left for any kind of schedule or to start his day. No matter how many times Yoongi had seen Jungkook drunk before, he still couldn't help the anxious feeling of worry that rose up in his chest at seeing him gone.

Either he had woken up and retreated to his own room in order to avoid Yoongi, or there was something physically wrong with him. Neither option made Yoongi feel at ease, and he sat up more quickly than he should have and swung his legs over the side of the bed to get up. He already opened their chat window on his phone in case he couldn't find him in the house, but before he could even begin to investigate, the door was opened quietly and Jungkook came back in.

He looked pale, his cheeks were incredibly puffy, and his hair so messy, Yoongi wondered if he had maybe run his hands through it in his sleep. At this point, it wouldn't surprise him if his body made choices that like for him when he was unconscious. Jungkook had indeed taken off his jeans, and the combination of his loose dress shirt from last night and his briefs was strangely endearing.

'This is when my mum calls me a dumpling,' he noted at the sight of Jungkook's face.

Jungkook barely managed to scowl.

'I threw up,' he said instead of good morning. 'Fuck, I haven't been this drunk in forever.'

A sinking feeling replaced that of anxiety. This was when Jungkook would tell him they should have never gone as far as they had. That he didn't know what he'd been thinking and that he'd never drink again if it made him stupid like that.

But Jungkook didn't say anything else. He just walked back over to the bed and crawled underneath the blankets once more as if he belonged there. Once there, he let out a small moan of pain.

'Someone's in my room,' he mumbled into the pillow. 'I didn't want to go inside.'

'Shit, really? Want me to go and throw them out?'

Jungkook shook his head as best as he could with it being pressed into the pillow. Then he reached a hand out for Yoongi.

'Come back to bed.'

It was Jungkook who had left, but Yoongi was too tired and hungover to argue.

'In a second. I'll use the bathroom and get us some water.'

Jungkook didn't tell him not to, but maybe he was already back asleep. He certainly was when Yoongi returned and placed two glasses of water along with medication on his nightstand. Yoongi made him wake up long enough to swallow down a pill and gag at the water he was swallowing, then he was out again, and Yoongi followed not long after. He wrapped his arm around Jungkook and pulled him in close, simply because he didn't know for how much longer he'd have this.

When he woke again, it was to the feeling of something tickling his jaw. He opened one eye and saw that Jungkook had turned around in his arms and was tracing his skin with the tip of his index finger. At Yoongi's confused look his ears turned a little red, but he seemed to make a point of not dropping his hand.

'You need to shave again.'

Yoongi only groaned, then yawned. He felt a little more alive, and there was light coming in from outside now, so it couldn't be that early anymore.

'You feeling any better?'

Jungkook hummed in agreement.

'I hate throwing up. It's gross.'

'Shouldn't have taken drinks from everyone and their mums all night.'

He felt Jungkook press his finger into the side of his neck in warning, but also saw a smile tugging at his lips.

'How are you never hungover?'

Yoongi shook his head and immediately regretted it.

'I am, this time. It's just rarely my stomach, it's my head.'

Jungkook brought the hand that he had on Yoongi's neck up to his temple and rubbed small circles into his skin there. At the feeling, Yoongi closed his eyes and let out a sigh.

'You're pretty, Hyung.'

Yoongi kept his eyes closed, but scoffed. He doubted that he looked anything close to it right now, with how ruined he felt. His lips were chapped, but when Jungkook rubbed his thumb over them, he let him. A moment later, the pad of his finger was replaced with the soft press of his mouth.

It was embarrassing how Yoongi's body shut down in reaction to Jungkook's kiss. How had he ever lived without knowing what it was like? How had he ever thought it was enough to look at Jungkook from afar? He wrapped his arm around him again and kissed the faint, lingering taste of toothpaste off of Jungkook's lips. They couldn't have gone back to sleep for too long.

Yoongi didn't want it to stop, he wanted to fall right back into him, but Jungkook drew back too soon to ask, 'Do you still not have plans for tonight?'

They were all well aware that their perception of time was skewed, not only due to the months that they regularly spent on tour, but also due to their schedule that had them work early mornings, late nights, and everything in between without any sign of regularity. Still, Yoongi was surprised that he kept forgetting it was New Years, even if it was only internationally true.

'No plans,' he said. 'Jin Hyung wanted to maybe watch a film.'

They were off today, all of them except for Hobi who had complained about it at length only just yesterday.

'Are you staying in?'

'I guess,' Jungkook nodded. 'I thought about going with Jimin Hyung, but I feel like shit.'

'Jimin-ah probably does, too.'

Jungkook only hummed. Then he ran his hand into Yoongi's hair and quietly said, 'I'm sorry I was so drunk. I mean, I'm not sorry for drinking, but for all the horny talk.'

He laughed, and even though it hurt Yoongi's head, he couldn't help but join him when he remembered it. God, they had been drunk. Not untruthful, for Yoongi's part at least, but a lot more unfiltered than he would have usually been.

'I don't care,' he decided. 'You can say whatever you want to me.'

'Whatever I want?'

There was a challenge in Jungkook's eyes, immediate and bold. Yoongi couldn't help but remember all the times in which he had felt tongue-tied around Jungkook lately, all the times he had told him not to say certain things or that he didn't know how to have the conversations Jungkook had wanted to have. He let out a slow breath, then found himself nodding.

'Whatever.'

The gleam of excitement on Jungkook's face was the perfect replacement for the ghostly pale he had woken up with.

'I'm surprised we both got hard, with how drunk we were.'

It took Yoongi a moment to process, a moment in which his brain fought the memory of Jungkook pressing up against him, but then he managed to smile back at him. He didn't think he'd ever get used to having Jungkook talk to him that way, to knowing that he only said those things because there were more intimate thoughts they had shared with each other by now.

'I don't think anyone would stand a chance when it's you.'

He wasn't about to tell Jungkook just how deep his feelings for him ran, or for how long he'd silently watched them grow, but at the same time, Jungkook deserved to know how weak he was for him. How much of an effect he had on Yoongi. And it was worth saying it when Jungkook's eyes turned a little wide, but sweetly satisfied.

'Well, I don't care about anyone else.'

Yoongi wanted to tell him about how the same wasn't true the other way around, how just last night girls had been lining up for him, but he pushed those thoughts away. Jungkook was here, wasn't he?

'How far do you think you would have gone?' he found himself asking without giving it much thought. He was still getting used to not controlling every thought he had around Jungkook, and even this one was a little calculated. 'If we hadn't stopped, would you have let it all happen?'

There it was again. That little bit of uncertainty that Yoongi had seen on his face last night. That hint of nerves and maybe intimidation that Yoongi was honestly glad to finally catch.

'I have no idea,' Jungkook told him quietly. 'I guess I would have let you decide. I... I don't know, it's a little new.'

He sounded unsure, and it had Yoongi reach out for him and place his hand on his chest in reassurance.

'It's not for me to decide what you want.'

Jungkook rolled his eyes at him, but then, ambiguously enough, placed another kiss onto his lips.

'But how am I supposed to know?' he whispered against his mouth. 'It was all a little different with Nayeong-ah, no?'

'Not all that different. You just do whatever feels right.' He watched Jungkook bite the inside of his lip before he added, 'But maybe we should start by kissing sober.'

There was no good explanation for why Yoongi's heart was racing the way it did. He was in no way used to kissing Jungkook yet, but it also wasn't as if he'd never done it before. They had been all wrapped up in each other twice now, and still he felt something in his chest flutter with every soft brush of their lips. Maybe it had to do with how there was no alcohol to hide behind, no excuse to be had. If they still wanted this in the morning, it held a different meaning from drunk closeness and desperate touches.

'I'm glad you're not running. I was a little scared you would.'

Jungkook breathed the words so closely to Yoongi's lips that they almost got lost between them. Yoongi closed all space left there and kissed him once, before mumbling, 'I'm done with that.'

He felt Jungkook nod, felt him sigh and sneak an arm around him. Then they were kissing again and he couldn't help but let out a low sound at the way that Jungkook's tongue immediately brushed against his lower lip. Drunk or sober, Jungkook kissed with a determination that allowed Yoongi to stop wondering whether they both wanted the same thing. He kissed as if he had no doubt in the world about it. When their tongues touched, Yoongi slowed them down, made Jungkook whine a little in complaint before he gave in and let their mouths ease into an almost lazy back and forth that Yoongi wanted to drown in.

It wasn't exactly true that they had all the time in the world, a part of Yoongi even managed to be aware of how there was no lock on the door, and still it felt like the morning stretched out endlessly ahead of them. There was no rush, not when there were no sounds at all coming either from downstairs or out in the hallway. Every now and then, whenever Jungkook fought the slow pace they kept, Yoongi found himself thrown right back to last night and his body buzzed with the memory of their frantic touches, how desperate it had been, how hard Jungkook had been, how good his thigh had felt pressed against Yoongi.

But Yoongi made a point of not giving in to the playful attempts Jungkook made at breaking his composure. The tugging at his hair, the gentle biting of his lower lip, the scratching of his lower back. It didn't take long for Yoongi to grow hard, and still he forced himself to only explore Jungkook's mouth, to not let his hands travel further down than his back. He wanted them to have this properly, he wanted Jungkook to know what he was getting into, and there was no need to rush.

Besides, it was overwhelming enough to feel Jungkook like this. His body was warm and soft, and Yoongi wanted to disappear in him forever. He had never really had the chance to trace the outline of his muscles before, to learn the shape of him this attentively, to claim him so thoroughly. He'd never known that Jungkook was a little ticklish on his sides, or that he fell apart in his arms when he rubbed his thumbs against his skin high up on his neck and into his hair. Jungkook's neck was so sensitive, that much Yoongi had started to realise, and he kept shuddering whenever Yoongi ran his fingernails over his skin there.

In return, Jungkook seemed fascinated with Yoongi's chest. Maybe it was because it was the most obvious difference to whoever he had done this with before, but Jungkook's hands mapped out every part of him, ran patterns over his abs, not as defined as his own, and over the softness of his belly, then up again. When he took his shirt with him the next time, Yoongi let him. He allowed his own hand to slip underneath the fabric on Jungkook's back and pulled it up as far as he could without getting in the way of Jungkook's own exploring hands.

Jungkook was burning up under his touch, and Yoongi's heart was beating high up in his throat. There was something so eager even in their slowest of touches, in their most languid kisses. He'd never really kissed Jungkook on a bed, had never kissed him without thinking of having to stop any second now. And it drove Yoongi crazy in a different way from last night. There was simply no end to how close he wanted to be to Jungkook, how many hours he wanted to spend with him just like this.

He was getting so breathless with how perfectly Jungkook's tongue rolled against his, how he kissed him with so much eagerness and want, he was starting to feel a little dizzy. So he drew away from the addicting heat of Jungkook's mouth and instead let his lips trace over his jaw and lower down to his neck. The low moan that Jungkook let out nearly made Yoongi drive his hips forward and into him. He bit down on his skin a little, just because he knew that it would make Jungkook gasp, and then he worked his lips over his Adam's apple, along the hem of his shirt, to right below his ear where Jungkook began to squirm under his attention.

'Hyung,' he breathed, desperate enough for Yoongi to slow down again. He noticed how Jungkook was pulling at the back of his shirt, or maybe he was just holding on more tightly than before.

'Still good?' he asked. His own voice betrayed him.

'Yeah,' Jungkook nodded, his chin bumping into Yoongi's temple a little. 'Wish we'd done this sooner.'

A part of Yoongi did, too. But it wouldn't have been like this then. Jungkook would have been even younger, maybe more hesitant, and maybe Yoongi would have still thought he'd one day be able to stop seeing just how perfect of a person Jungkook was. It wouldn't have meant to him what it did now, and it would have been all different. All wrong. Even through all the confusion and the worry, none of it felt that way now.

Jungkook shuddered against him when he let his tongue trace over his skin, just for a second. His hand had wandered low on Yoongi's back and the tips of his fingers were toying with his waistband, but didn't drop any lower. Again, Yoongi wondered if Jungkook was thinking about all the ways he knew to touch girls, and how Yoongi's body was different. He decided to encourage him, to maybe ease some of his nerves, and ran his own hand down Jungkook's back.

He didn't hesitate before moving it past the waistband of his briefs and over the curve of his ass. He'd never touched Jungkook like this before, not even any less seriously, though he was sure that Jimin at least had done so a million times. Brushing past his jaw again, Yoongi brought their lips back together and kissed Jungkook slowly, deeply, his hand now rolling up the fabric of his briefs on his thigh a little. Jungkook seemed distracted, his kiss felt less focused, but he let out a soft gasp when Yoongi's fingers pulled at his waistband playfully.

Understanding that even just this, slow morning kisses and wandering hands, had both of them feeling a little nervous and unsure, allowed Yoongi to let go of any regret he might have still felt about stopping when they had last night. It wouldn't have been right. Not when both their breathing was uneven and every new inch of skin that their hands got to explore felt exciting like this.

Yoongi didn't know how much time passed. All he knew was that Jungkook's body didn't become any less fascinating or addicting. Neither did his reactions to the ways that Yoongi touched him. It wasn't the needy whines and breathless gasps from last night, but soft sighs and shuddery breaths that made Yoongi feel like all was right in the world. If this was how they were going to end the year, then how much better would the next one be?

Jungkook let out a groan when after what felt like hours footsteps sounded out in the hallway. It had always been an illusion to think that they could hide in bed all day, and still Yoongi had let himself believe it. One voice in the hallway became two, then three. There was Namjoon, then a girl's voice, and the creaking of the stairs.

'I think your room is all good.'

Jungkook hummed, then kissed him again.

'I'll have to wash my sheets.'

'Just sleep here from now on.'

The way that Jungkook pressed even closer to him didn't feel like he was opposed to the idea, even if they both knew it wasn't possible. It was one thing to fall asleep in each other's hotel room every now and then, for the others to be aware that they sought each other out like that, and another one altogether to go to bed with each other deliberately night after night.

The door to the bathroom was opened. A minute later, there was someone on the stairs again, and from the way they dragged their feet, Yoongi could tell that it was Taehyung. If the way he was walking hadn't given it away, it would have been the way that he barged into the bathroom without knocking and proceeded to leave the door open so that his murmured conversation with Namjoon traveled down the hallway.

At first, Yoongi couldn't understand what they were saying. Then he scooted away from Jungkook in the one second that he had between realising why Taehyung's voice was suddenly so close and him opening the door to Yoongi's room.

'See, he's right here. Called it. Sleeping with Yoongi Hyung isn't such a hardship for him, right Jungkookie?'

'It's still rude,' Namjoon said around the toothbrush he had in his mouth. 'They're your friends, you should have taken them to your own room.'

'Jimin Hyung was already there because Wooshik Hyung passed out in his.'

'Why are they spread out all over the house? Have they never heard of a taxi?'

Namjoon didn't exactly sound angry, but disgruntled by what Yoongi guessed was the same hangover he and Jungkook were nursing, and the fact that instead of a calm recovery, he'd gotten unexpected company in the morning. Taehyung himself was holding a glass of water that was cloudy with what might have been aspirin. He walked over to the foot of the bed where he stood and slowly took in Jungkook and Yoongi, sipping his medicine as if it were a cocktail.

'You look cozy,' he noted. Then, looking at Jungkook, he added, 'I'm truly sorry your room was occupied. People snuck upstairs I guess. But they've gone home now.'

'It's not an issue,' Jungkook said, then he cleared his throat. It drove Yoongi crazy how bad he still was at lying, how obvious he made it every single time he was supposed to act casual, but at the same time he wanted to kiss him for it.

'See, not an issue,' Taehyung smiled at Namjoon who leaned against the doorframe brushing his teeth and glaring back at him.

'At least go and make some coffee,' Namjoon told him, to which Taehyung nodded, yawned, and padded back over to the door on bare feet.

'Sorry again, Jungkookie,' he said from the door. He sounded sincere when he said it. 'I'll buy you a meal.'

Yoongi wanted to slap Jungkook for being so easily bribed, but there he was, smiling widely at Taehyung at the prospect of food. He made a mental note of buying dinner more often himself.

'You're lucky we love you,' Namjoon muttered as he watched Taehyung go. Foam dripped from his mouth onto his white t-shirt. With a look over at the bed he asked, 'What time are you taking off, Hyung?'

It took Yoongi a moment to catch on. He could feel Jungkook's surprised gaze on him.

'No idea. Not today. Maybe tomorrow or the day after.'

'What? Where to?'

The way that Jungkook sounded more hurt than surprised made Yoongi regret not having said anything yet. But then again, it wasn't even certain that he was going yet. He had only told his producer, Yijeong, that he would check with their head manager about the group's schedule.

'Yijeong-ah and I talked about getting out of the city for a bit to finally get somewhere with those demos. But I don't know if I can.'

Bangtan's schedule was light this upcoming week, and maybe Yoongi could move a few things around, but it wasn't something he could decide on his own. And until he heard back, there wasn't any point in making concrete plans. The only reason he and Namjoon had talked about it was because Namjoon had asked about his process with the EP yesterday, right after his tentative travel plans had been made.

'Where to?' Jungkook asked again. Namjoon knocked his knuckles against the doorframe in silent goodbye as he turned back towards the bathroom. To Yoongi's annoyance he left the door wide open.

'Yijeong-ah's family has a cabin about an hour outside of the city. It's usually occupied over the summer and the holidays, but the rest of the year he gets to use it to work in peace.'

'But it is a holiday.'

Yoongi poked his finger into Jungkook's chest before he sat up with a groan and brought a hand up to his head. He didn't feel like arguing his point about American holidays once again this early, so he just said, 'It would only be for a few days.'

'Yeah. Sure.'

He looked down at Jungkook and just caught him averting his gaze. He really was the worst at lying or pretending.

'I would have told you the moment we made real plans,' Yoongi offered.

Jungkook yawned, stretched out a little, then rolled over onto his back.

'It's fine. I just don't want you to leave.'

The confession came so easily, Yoongi wondered how he did it. How did Jungkook do any of this so easily? Water was running in the bathroom now, so Yoongi reached out for him and pushed his hair out of his face.

'I'd take you with me if it weren't so damn obvious.'

Jungkook sat up at that.

'I should come!'

He really did seem to feel better, as he didn't even make a face at the sudden movement. He only looked at Yoongi with suddenly excited eyes.

'Kook-ah,' Yoongi sighed. 'You know you can't. It'll be hard enough for myself to get out of the schedule. Two of us is impossible. And besides, you don't think it would raise questions?'

'I recorded those guides,' Jungkook pointed out. 'It makes sense for me to be there in case they need to be adjusted.'

'They're only guides. The goal is for me to eventually feature on my own EP, you know?'

Jungkook gave him a look.

'You wouldn't question it if I went with Namjoon Hyung for his project.'

There was no heat in Jungkook's arguments and so Yoongi allowed himself to smile and say, 'Actually, I would. And I wouldn't be the only one. You'd never hear the end of it if you followed him into the woods, especially under such terrible pretence.'

Jungkook bit down on a smile, but still he muttered, 'I thought you were better than this.'

'Next time, yeah?'

Jungkook's eyes locked with his.

'What next time?' There was a sudden sadness in his gaze that felt sobering. 'If it's too risky and obvious now, what's ever going to be different?'

He was right, but Yoongi made himself shrug.

'You never know. If we take more time to plan, we can figure something out sometime.'

He didn't really want to entertain any delusional ideas of him and Jungkook leaving the city together and hiding away for days on end that they got to spend in bed with each other and kissing every minute of them. It was a more romantic version of how he usually fantasised about Jungkook, and it wasn't any better or more helpful than what he had already resigned himself to.

'Only a few days?' Jungkook now asked.

Yoongi cast a glance over into the hallway before pressing a lingering kiss to his lips.

'Until the Golden Disk Awards. I really need to get somewhere if this summer is supposed to work out as a deadline.'

Jungkook nodded in defeat. Yoongi had never doubted that he'd be understanding about something as straightforward as work. If anything, he was surprised by his silent pouting and complaining, as weak as it was. When had the two of them become so attached at the hip that a few days apart somehow felt like it was too much?

Chapter Text

All seven of them spent the day sobering up and helping Taehyung clean, even if they weren't shy about complaining about the task. Hobi headed out around noon, sunglasses, a mask, and a hat covering his tired face as well as possible. In the evening, Yoongi was still in the same comfortable clothes he had put on after taking a shower in the morning and he had no intentions of changing out of them and leaving the house, even if Jimin tried his best to get everyone on board for the gathering he was headed out to. To no one's surprise, Taehyung got dressed to join him, and after putting up a weak fight, Jungkook got off the couch as well where he had been dozing for most of the afternoon.

Yoongi didn't expect to see him again before he went to bed, as Jungkook always seemed to stay out longer the less he had initially wanted to go. With a strange feeling in his chest, he couldn't help but entertain thoughts of Jungkook locking lips with someone meaningless at midnight, be it a girl or a guy. But to his surprise, half an hour before the international year would end, he heard the front door being opened and Jungkook came into the living room with a bag of take out in his arms.

The film Jin had chosen wasn't the best Yoongi had ever seen, Jin himself kept focusing on his phone, and Namjoon was already snoring in an armchair which had Jungkook swallowing a laugh when he heard it. Unfinished drinks and food were spread all around them, but they had taken it easy with the alcohol and mostly indulged in greasy hangover meals that made Yoongi feel satisfied, yet a little sick to his stomach.

'Such old men,' Jungkook grinned and cast another look around the room before he headed towards the couch Jin and Yoongi were lying on at opposite ends with their feet touching. He dumped his food onto the couch table and reached for Jin's can of beer to smell it before taking a sip.

'What makes you think you're allowed to hang out with the elderly?' Jin asked. 'Why are you home so early?'

'I said I wouldn't stay that long.'

'Yeah, you always say that and then you tell us about how pretty the sunrise was.'

Jungkook had a habit of taking pictures of the sky, and Yoongi always made sure to let him know they were beautiful. He had a natural gift for capturing his environment.

'The others headed out to a bar,' Jungkook told him as he threw himself down right in the middle of the couch. Yoongi just had time to withdraw his feet, but they still got buried by Jungkook's right thigh. 'It was the perfect time to leave.'

In his armchair, Namjoon stirred at the sudden conversation. He opened his eyes, took in Jungkook on the couch, the TV that was still running, and dozed off again. The repetitive low sounds of his snoring had ceased, but Yoongi felt sure it wouldn't take long for them to return.

'Did you have fun?' he asked Jungkook who nodded happily.

'I'm glad I went. I stole all this food when I left, it was so good.' He indicated his plastic bag on the table, but Yoongi felt too full to even inspect it. 'What are you watching?'

Jungkook squinted his eyes a little when he took in the TV, then fell into an easy conversation about the film with Jin that Yoongi only had to listen to. The lack of sleep from last night was catching up with him, and with how he was too full from his dinner, he felt close to nodding off the way that Namjoon had started to do the second that they had been done eating. Jungkook's body heat against his feet and ankles only made him more sleepy, especially since his presence meant that Yoongi no longer had to fight his imagination that had been feeding him images of Jungkook having too much fun with Jimin's friends.

Together they watched the ending of the film, Jin returned to staring at his phone, and Yoongi somehow managed to stay awake until the credits rolled. At some point Jungkook had dropped his hand to wrap it around Yoongi's ankle, and he didn't move it even when Yoongi stretched elaborately with a yawn.

'Almost midnight,' Jin announced with a glance at his phone that he hadn't dropped once in the last twenty minutes. Whoever he was texting was apparently having the same uneventful fake New Years as they did.

'We should at least have a toast,' Yoongi announced when he watched Jungkook nod in recognition of the time, but not react in any other way. He had been uncharacteristically excited for New Years, and while Yoongi didn't know why he had chosen to spend the best part of it at home on the couch, he deserved at least a glass of something bubbly and a second of a celebration before they would all head to bed.

Jin hummed in agreement at his suggestion.

'I think someone brought champagne for Taehyung-ah last night. I'll try and find it.'

He yawned and stretched as he got up, and collected a bit of their leftovers before heading towards the kitchen. Jungkook's hand was running up Yoongi's calf before he was even out of sight. Namjoon let out another soft snore.

'You really didn't want to go to the bar?'

Yoongi spoke softly so as to not wake Namjoon, even if he'd be forced to join their toast in a few minutes anyways.

'No,' Jungkook shook his head easily. 'I'm really tired. And I couldn't drink much, anyways. I still feel weird.'

'You ate well enough,' Yoongi laughed and jerked his chin at the food he had brought.

'Not too much, that's why I brought it. I didn't want it to go to waste.'

'Uhuh,' Yoongi nodded. With a look over at Namjoon he allowed himself to cover Jungkook's hand with his own once it reached his knee. In the kitchen, glass was knocked against glass as Jin was probably searching through bottles of liquor where there were still plenty of after last night. Yoongi reached for his phone, swiped away a few messages from producers he considered his friends, and noted, 'He has two minutes.'

It was 11:58PM and there was no way Jin would be back in time with four glasses filled. Yoongi considered the time, watched it switch to 11:59PM, then looked up at Jungkook. Their eyes met, Jungkook's hand tightened on his knee, and realisation hit Yoongi even if he didn't want to believe it. Jungkook was here for him. He had come home to enter the new year with him rather than with his friends.

'I won't say Happy New Year,' Yoongi grumbled with another look at his phone. 'It's still 2018 until February.'

Jungkook only smiled and shifted on the couch to lean in closer to him. Yoongi caught his glance over at Namjoon, then towards the kitchen from where clattering could still be heard. He cursed his own heart and how it beat faster at the promise of what was about to come. Jungkook licked his lips. In his lap, the digits on his phone screen switched to all zeros. Yoongi looked down at it, then met Jungkook's gaze when he glanced back up.

'This was the best year, Hyung.'

Jungkook's kiss was brief, sweet, and yet so damn dangerous with the others this nearby. Yoongi still didn't have it in him to push him off or avoid him. He allowed their lips to meet and sighed at how something in his belly danced excitedly at the touch.

'It was,' he agreed when they parted. 'I...'

He wanted to tell Jungkook about the next year, how he wanted them to spend it together, how that happiness about the idea of it was slowly growing into something he wanted to embrace rather than shut down. But before he could say anything at all, Namjoon woke himself up with a particularly loud snore and at the same time, footsteps neared the living room.

Neither Jin nor Namjoon had anything to say about how close Jungkook and Yoongi were suddenly sitting on the couch, how they probably looked a little caught, with just a hint of disappointment on their faces about how their moment had been cut short. The four of them huddled together by the couch table as Jin filled their glasses with champagne so fancy, they would definitely have to reimburse Taehyung for it somehow. Yoongi's eyes locked with Jungkook's as they knocked their glasses together, and he forced himself to bite down on the wide smile that threatened to spread on his face.

...

Being trapped at Yijeong's family cabin for five whole days gave him and Yoongi enough time to focus on the EP like they had wanted to, but it also caused them to butt heads every single day. The lack of distractions quickly became frustrating and they argued over every note, every effect, every delay, every lyric until one of them left the room to take a break. Usually Yoongi liked the phase in which he got to obsess over details, but it wasn't enjoyable when he was all too aware of how far behind the already once postponed schedule they were.

The only thing he and Yijeong could really agree on was that there was no way that the EP would be ready in time for the summer. It could have been, maybe, if there weren't a group comeback planned for April along with the extension of the tour that would last until late summer. Yoongi was completely booked, and with only a week or two of potential studio time to be freed up, it simply wasn't possible to stick to their plan.

They kept in touch with everyone else Yoongi had gathered around himself for the production process, whether in form of video calls or visits to the cabin, and the more often Yoongi heard a muttered concern about the timeline, the more aggravated he became. It took them three days to make it official that the EP wasn't going to see the light of day in 2019. After that, they took another two to mess around with the demos in more and more elaborate and exaggerated ways now that there was no more pressure limiting them in what they could do.

He and Yijeong spent every evening drinking out on the porch in the freezing cold, rambling about music, and it would have been great had Yoongi not been weighed down by a nagging feeling of failure and disappointment. At this point, it didn't seem entirely impossible that the EP would never be finished. That it would never become what he wanted it to be. And the more worried he became, the more protective he felt over his very first draft and the versions Jungkook had recorded for him.

We should just release the guides, he texted Jungkook one night, right after the decision of postponing the schedule once more had been made. I'll be free of them and you'll have a solo project for your legacy.

It took a while for Jungkook to respond, and by the time his phone lit up Yijeong had already gone back inside the cabin and left Yoongi to finish his glass of wine by himself on the porch.

How much will you pay me?

Yoongi grinned. For the first time today, he felt something other than exhaustion and frustration. Of course there were also fun moments with Yijeong scattered throughout the day, but with the decision they had made today, Yoongi felt particularly gloomy.

Pay you for what? For allowing you to make a fortune with my music?

This time, Jungkook's response came more quickly.

You want the songs off your hands more than you want me to get rich. I'd be doing you a favour.

Yoongi wanted to keep playing along with their stupid joke, wanted to say something that would make Jungkook laugh, but what he typed next wasn't that. He had to tell someone, had to get the weight of today off his chest.

We trashed the whole timeline. It'll be 2020.

Fuck.

Yoongi let out a long breath. It wasn't exactly helpful to have Jungkook curse at him, but somehow it still soothed some of the anger in him.

How are things in Seoul? he asked.

Okay. I talked Sungdeuk-nim into working more on the Euphoria choreo. Namjoon Hyung agreed that it's boring.

Since when is Namjoon-ah an expert on choreo?

To Jungkook, Namjoon was an expert on everything of course. Yoongi waited for that pang of annoyance he usually felt when Jungkook's idolisation became a little too obsessive, but there was nothing other than affection that filled his chest.

Jungkook ignored his question.

What's wrong with the guides? I thought you'd be recording soon?

It was a good thing that Jungkook realised that Yoongi needed to talk about the EP some more, but at the same time, Yoongi suddenly felt tired of the subject.

There's just not enough time, he typed. With how much work each song still needs, we can't manage with a week or two, and I can't get more than that this spring.

Maybe talk to Namjoon Hyung? was Jungkook's response, and this time it did make Yoongi roll his eyes a little and empty his glass of wine. He agreed with all the good things Jungkook had to say about Namjoon, but even he couldn't magically free up his schedule. Namjoon himself had struggled with his timeline for Mono.

Maybe, he said evasively. What are you doing?

On set.

With everyone?

Only Jin Hyung. When will you come back?

Jungkook had asked him this twice already since he had left. Yoongi's thumbs hovered over his screen. A part of him wanted to pack up and leave in the morning, but another part knew that it would be stupid to waste time that he had fought hard for with management.

Probably just in time for the awards.

They had the Golden Disk Awards to attend later in the week, and the prospect of yet another award show didn't lighten Yoongi's mood.

I still think I should have come.

Yoongi agreed. For a moment, he let himself imagine what it would be like to have Jungkook here. First in a serious way in which Jungkook would weigh in on their musical debates and lend his voice to every idea they wanted to record, then in a more impossible one where Jungkook would be lounging shirtless on the couch for inspiration until Yoongi got too worked up over the music and pulled him into the bedroom. Of course he would never diminish Jungkook to such a role, and still he felt a stirring low in his belly at the idea of having Jungkook to himself like that.

I don't think we'd argue as much as I do with Yijeong-ah at least, was his reasonable response, even when he considered typing something more risky, more suggestive.

You argue?

Only about the music.

Yoongi watched Jungkook type, then pause, then type again. It was getting too cold outside, and when he squinted his eyes he could see tiny snowflakes sail across the yard in the dark. The porch was protected by a roof, and still the sight of snow made Yoongi shiver in his chair and wrap his arms more tightly around himself.

Do you find him attractive?

The words popped up on his screen just when Yoongi grabbed the notebook and pen he'd brought out with him and got ready to return inside. He considered the text as he tried to imagine the tone Jungkook had aimed for. Was he teasing? Was he serious? Was he waiting for a response with his lower lip worried between his teeth or was he smiling to himself?

I'd be down on my knees if he fixed that one verse so I get to actually breathe once or twice, Yoongi chose to respond.

It would be up to Jungkook to decide whether to take it as a joke or not. He should know that Yoongi wasn't interested. Yijeong had been his friend for too long, and was circling through girlfriends too quickly for Yoongi to have a chance if he had wanted one. Which he didn't. He appreciated Yijeong for all the things that made him his friend, but he had never wanted to blur any lines with him.

Jungkook was still online, but not typing. Maybe Yoongi had taken it too far. Things with Jungkook had been more than simple friendship for so long now, he sometimes forgot that he couldn't just say anything that was on his mind, no matter how much he enjoyed finally being able to do that with someone. Whatever he felt for Jungkook was a completely different kind of excitement than what he felt at the reality of finally being out to someone.

On his screen, a text popped up.

Where's my thanks for fixing the guides then?

Yoongi could only stare and reread the words. Heat crept up his lower back and he felt his insides tighten with want at the mere idea of what Jungkook was suggesting. When had Jungkook become so shameless? It wasn't like he had expected him to be entirely sweet and innocent, not anymore, but considering how little experience he had overall and how other than a bit of recently discovered gay porn he was new to thoughts like this, Yoongi still waited for the nerves and the fumbling and the blushing.

He fought the urge to make promises, to try and get to Jungkook the way he had just gotten to him. His jeans felt a little tight, and he had never been more glad that Yijeong went to bed a lot earlier than he did.

Has anyone ever done that for you?

Yoongi could only hope that no one would ever be stupid enough to pick up Jungkook's phone and go through his texts. It was a genuine question he had asked himself before, how much experience Jungkook really had aside from that one night with Nayeong that he knew about. But until now, there had never been a good moment to ask. Maybe it would break their moment a little, would divert the flirting, but it felt like a safer route to take.

Hana Noona did. But not really.

Yoongi leaned forward in his chair. He was alone, so he couldn't resist pressing his forearm against his crotch for some relief. He wasn't fully hard, but it had been so damn long since he'd been with someone, his body never had any trouble building up hope.

How do you not really get a blowjob?

He had thought Jungkook might say Nayeong, but Hana surprised him. He'd always thought that relationship had been sweet and full of chaste kisses, but nothing else.

It's not a sexy story.

Yoongi let out a laugh. It was exactly what he needed to distract himself from the growing heat in his groin and so he sent Jungkook three little dots to make him continue.

Honestly, she only got to try for a minute or so. It was too much. Then we broke up before we got the chance to get better at it.

Yoongi could imagine it so well, even if he didn't want to. Jungkook on his back, breathing hard, his hips arching up, letting out those small sounds he'd whimpered against Yoongi's lips only a few days ago, so overwhelmed by every single thing because it was so new. He'd been so young with Hana, and Yoongi remembered only too well how even the touch of a girl had felt somewhat good to him at that age, because anything had. If Jungkook was as responsive and eager as he had been both times with Yoongi, how easy had it been to rile him up at sixteen? Not that it was appropriate for Yoongi to think about it.

What else have you done with her? I always thought it wasn't much.

It wasn't. Just hands, and not often before it ended. I went down on her a few times.

A few handjobs, a second of a blowjob, and one night with a girl he'd hardly known. If that was the extent of Jungkook's experience then it was more than what Yoongi had thought, and still it felt like too little to have the confidence that Jungkook had. His facade had broken a few times, Yoongi had caught the nerves in his eyes before, he remembered how fascinated Jungkook had been with the flatness of his chest, and still Jungkook continued to take his breath away with the way he kissed without hesitating. With the suggestive tone in his texts just now.

I meant it when I said it's not all that different with guys, you know?

Jungkook hadn't looked convinced the last time Yoongi had said this, but Yoongi still thought it was true. In the end, it wasn't about body parts, but about losing yourself in another person, no matter what they looked and felt like. Maybe, if Jungkook felt nervous at all, it would help him to know that. Maybe it would get him to finally admit to being worried at least a little bit. But all he said was, What's different with you is that you have experience. It feels so endless with you.

Yoongi didn't know how Jungkook was able to put into words so easily that there was something between them when Yoongi still struggled to accept the reality of it.

Endless?

With Hana Noona, there was a natural limit to what we did because neither of us had done it all before. With Nayeong-ah, I didn't know her well so there was only so much I felt comfortable doing.

What Jungkook was saying was that he had never lost control with someone else before. He had never stopped thinking. Had never gotten to a point with someone where both their boundaries were established enough to not constantly have to be worried about crossing them. It was exactly that moment that had made him hesitate a few days ago, when he had held Yoongi the way he might hold a girl, and he had started thinking rather than wanting.

I like endless, Yoongi made himself type.

We have a hotel for the GDAs.

Yoongi couldn't remember that a few words had ever been enough to have his whole body aching for somebody else like this. He and Jungkook hadn't even done much, and yet Yoongi was thinking of all the things they could use that hotel for. All the things Jungkook apparently wanted, if his texts were anything to go by.

Good.

He didn't know what else to say. Jungkook was on set, it wasn't like they had any business letting their conversation get further out of hand than it already had. He had meant to go inside anyways, it was late, and he had a room to himself with Yijeong having already closed his own door behind him.

Sleep well later, Kook-ah, he said. Then he made himself add, Wish you were here.

Jungkook sent him a few little x's back, something Yoongi had never received from him before. He went offline, presumably back to work, and Yoongi got up and stretched out his frozen limbs. It wasn't much longer before he crawled underneath his blanket, turned off the light, and ran a hand down his body and into his briefs.

...

Being reunited with Jungkook was by far the most exciting thing about the Golden Disk Awards. The unproductive week at the cabin had left Yoongi feeling drained and stuck, and waiting around all day at some venue where he continued to feel useless didn't help his spirits. However, it was good to see the members again, even if they spent a good while chiding him for finding a way out of the many appointments he had missed. After a while, Yoongi stopped arguing that he'd have to do his part of many of the individual interviews and photoshoots during the upcoming days and that he'd be busier than ever to make up for having been gone.

He didn't get to have Jungkook to himself during day of course, as the backstage area was busy and cramped, and there was nowhere to escape to other than the bathroom, a level to which Yoongi didn't want to sink to just yet. There was always the hotel room to look forward to for the night. But for now it was good enough to see Jungkook and listen to his stories about last week even when the others kept joining in.

His hair had been touched up and was a little more shiny again, a shade of brown so perfectly pretty that Yoongi wanted to take a picture of him. Maybe, he thought, he'd go through the pictures of tonight's performance later only to have a memory of how good Jungkook had looked after a week of not seeing him. It still felt impossible that at this point, he might even be able to tell Jungkook just that. Hadn't Jungkook said similar things to him? That he thought about him? Hadn't he specifically allowed Yoongi to do the same?

Things were busy during the day, and wherever Jungkook went, Jimin seemed to follow. Yoongi had to focus more on their rehearsal than usual after a week of being gone during which the guys had already gone over the choreo once or twice without him. So thoughts of Jungkook drifted in and out of his mind and varied from innocent to the opposite.

It was about an hour before the performance that Yoongi finally got his chance. His physio told him to meet him in the small adjacent room to their backstage area where he had set up a massage table Namjoon had just vacated. Yoongi rolled his shoulder to evaluate how tightly he needed to be taped up today and was glad to realise that the pain he felt was minimal after a week during which he had hardly moved his body. He would certainly suffer after tonight's performance, even if it would only be a fraction of how much time they spent on stage during headline shows.

'Kook-ah,' he mumbled without thinking much before he got up from the couch. Jungkook was perched on the armrest filming Hobi who was pulling faces at his camera. His name was enough to catch his attention, and it didn't need anything more than that. Their eyes locked, Jungkook first seemed to expect more, then only nodded and returned his attention to Hobi who had now started to dance. Over by one of the make up stations, their physio was still following up with Namjoon to show him a few exercises to keep his knee loose tonight which meant that the room next door would be empty.

After Yoongi got up from the couch, it only took Jungkook about two minutes to follow him. Not enough time for Yoongi to begin to contemplate whether Jungkook even wanted a moment alone together as badly as he did. Whether he was asking for too much. Jungkook showed up in the doorway, looked around, then closed the door when he realised that they were alone and it was only Yoongi who had leaned himself against the massage table as he waited.

Yoongi only had a second to appreciate his smile before Jungkook was close enough for him to lose all focus. He felt hands cradle his face, nudge his chin, and then Jungkook's lips were on his. It had only been a week, but it hit Yoongi all at once how badly he had missed him. Had missed touching him, tasting him. Had missed the physical proof that there was something between them now that was undeniable whenever they were together like this.

He wrapped his arms around Jungkook who was crowding him up against the massage table eagerly. They only had a second, but Yoongi wanted to use it well. He let his tongue brush against Jungkook's lower lip, ran his hands down his back, sighed into his mouth when Jungkook's lips parted. It still didn't feel anywhere close to normal, to familiar, but there were now memories of last time that turned their kiss more heated than it technically was. There was something thrilling about knowing that they had both anticipated this, that it wasn't just a thoughtless stumble anymore.

Jungkook's hands ran underneath his shirt, first at his sides, then moved towards his chest. The shirt needed to come off anyways for the tape, and apparently that was where Jungkook's mind was at as well. He pulled at the fabric, then dragged it up to Yoongi's chest as his other hand followed to caress his skin. Yoongi lifted his arms, felt Jungkook's index finger brush over his nipple, whether accidentally or not, and swallowed a gasp. Their lips parted as the fabric got in the way, and it was probably the only thing that saved them from being caught.

With how loud things generally were backstage, Yoongi hadn't heard the door being opened. He only realised that they were no longer alone when Jungkook jumped, dropped his shirt, and took a hasty step back. It was instinct that made Yoongi continue dragging the fabric up as though he had merely been in the process of undressing himself. It was luck that their physio was looking down at his phone as he came in. Still, he caught Jungkook's sudden backwards movement and instantly frowned as he glanced back and forth between the two of them.

Jungkook was stupidly breathless, always too eager, too easily distracted. He stood uselessly in front of Yoongi who pretended to undress in the calmest way he could manage even though his heart was suddenly racing with more than desire. He wanted to curse Jungkook for dropping his gaze to his naked chest despite it all.

'My shoulder feels okay today,' Yoongi forced himself to say. He half expected their physio to protest against his attempt at covering up, he waited for the question about what the fuck they were doing. But it didn't come. All he got was the remaining confusion in his features. It was obvious that he had interrupted something, and maybe he was just a saint of a person that wouldn't call them out on what he had seen. But maybe he had also gotten used to the closeness between the seven of them, the constant touching and cuddling and pressing close to each other. Maybe he wouldn't question this. Maybe they would get away with it.

'That's good,' he said eventually with no sign of alarm in his voice. 'Did you do the stretches I showed you?'

'A little. Honestly, I was working, and I forgot most days.'

'Just do as much as you can. A few minutes a day are better than nothing.'

'Yeah.'

A glance at Jungkook told him that he was more than just a little shaken up. His ears were bright red, but apart from what was probably embarrassment, there was also too much silent panic on his face that Yoongi wished he could wipe away. He wanted to reach out to him, wanted to tell him it was alright, but all he could do was show him by acting as normal as possible even when he himself wasn't convinced yet that they had really gotten this lucky.

'Is Joon-ah's knee alright?' he asked as their physio prepared the tape he had used on Yoongi for years.

'Just a little sore. It won't be a problem for how little you dance here. If it still acts up in Japan next week we might have to brace it in advance of the show.'

Yoongi nodded. It was what he had expected. They all had their weaknesses and for Namjoon it had always been his knees.

'I'll... I'll go back,' Jungkook mumbled as Yoongi rolled his shoulder again out of habit. 'I... Yeah.'

He turned on his heels, but was held back by their physio asking, 'Did you not need anything? You just wanted to hang out?'

'I'm good,' Jungkook managed. 'I came here for...'

'I told him I got a tattoo while I was gone,' Yoongi said smoothly, plastering a teasing smile onto his face. 'He insists he didn't believe me, but he still came to check. Don't be embarrassed now, Kook-ah.'

The laugh their physio let out sounded genuine enough. Relieved even at having gotten an explanation to their closeness he had walked in on. Apparently it was easy to imagine the two of them joking around, Jungkook pulling at Yoongi's shirt to find the tattoo he'd been told was there.

'Whatever,' he heard Jungkook mutter. 'You wouldn't dare.'

'Maybe not,' Yoongi smiled. Jungkook had already kept on walking, maybe to avoid having to lie. It was probably better that way.

...

Yoongi only realised how close a call it had really been when he thought the situation over again during the quick dinner that was brought to them and spread out on a table in the green room. And when he tried to meet Jungkook's gaze later but found him avoiding it. He still looked distracted, a little off, and while Yoongi understood, he also wished it weren't the case. It was exactly this kind of look on Jungkook's face that he had never wanted to put there. He didn't want to complicate his life, didn't want to cause Jungkook any kind of worry or pain. But following the afternoon they'd had, he was again all too aware of how unavoidable that was if they were going to be close like that.

It was hard to put the moment out of his mind, but he was forced to do so when they took their seats in the audience a short while later and eventually entered the stage. After, when they had again accepted awards with wide smiles on their faces, they didn't head towards the hotel as Yoongi had thought. Instead they stayed to pre-shoot parts of their performance that was scheduled for the next day at the same venue. There were problems with the lighting, problems with the sound, problems with the choreo, problems with Hobi's in ear monitors. Every time Yoongi thought they were done, he heard the command to take his position again for one more take.

It was late into the night by the time they finally left the venue in pairs. Namjoon elaborately thanked the staff as they exited the stage, and they all bowed deeply left and right while they were shuffled towards the parking lot where Yoongi was directed towards a car together with Taehyung. Yoongi was tired, his mind was a messy knot of Jungkook and his wide eyes and the terror he had felt for a second earlier. His shoulder was aching with tension even though they had only performed a few songs tonight.

Yoongi was already thinking of his painkillers, of how tired and sleepy they made him and how that would be the only way to make him fall asleep tonight. All he wanted was to lean his head against the window and start to analyse his thoughts so that they wouldn't overwhelm him once they were back in the hotel. But he wasn't alone in the car and to his dismay Taehyung was chatty, even though he kept yawning himself.

'We missed you last week, Hyung,' he told him. 'Did you get a lot of work done at least?'

'Not a lot, really, no.' It was all Yoongi wanted to say, but when he caught Taehyung's expecting eyes, he added, 'But we made a few decisions that were a long time coming, so that's progress at least, even if I don't like it.'

'What decisions?'

Yoongi sighed. He didn't want to talk about the EP right now, but he also couldn't avoid Taehyung. He'd told him that he felt too tired to talk one too many times and he couldn't stand the pout that would be sure to show on his face. So he lazily gave him a rundown of last week and nodded and hummed at the well-meant responses that he received. At least it made him focus on something other than Jungkook and their near miss earlier.

By the time they reached the hotel, Yoongi wasn't sure anymore whether he wanted more distractions or time to think. Taehyung had been surprisingly helpful, whether he knew it or not.

'You wanna hang out for a bit?' Yoongi asked. He knocked his shoulder against Taehyung's when he gave him wide eyes, exaggerating his surprise. It was true that they didn't spend much time alone together, and it was also true that Yoongi rarely cut his nights short on purpose, but he also didn't deserve Taehyung's faked little gasp. He mumbled, 'Come on, just until my painkillers hit and knock me out.'

He immediately felt a hand on his shoulder, so gentle he almost wanted to scoff.

'You never tell us that you're in pain,' Taehyung pouted. 'At least two redos just now were because of me. I would have told them it's fine had I known you're done.'

Yoongi waved him off.

'I'm fine. Really. Just sore, I don't know.'

It was overall tension, but Taehyung didn't need to know that. He started chattering about his own aches and offered advise Yoongi had heard too many times before from his physio as they made their way up to Yoongi's room. They passed Jungkook's on the way. He hadn't forgotten to check when they had seen the room sheet back at the venue before parting ways. But somehow he had a feeling that their night together wasn't going to happen. Jungkook had avoided him all evening, and while it hurt, Yoongi had no right to push him or be upset about it after he himself had taken weeks to process his feelings after Paris.

Maybe it was a good thing that Jungkook was faced with the reality of sneaking around, Yoongi thought as he threw himself onto his bed a little while later and agreed to Taehyung turning on the TV to find the new episode of a show he'd started to watch. He didn't like it of course, he felt an unreasonable desire to shelter Jungkook, but maybe they had both needed a reminder that they had to be more careful. He was pretty sure that for Jungkook it hadn't been a reminder, but a first.

Taehyung rubbed his shoulder a little bit as they watched TV, but it didn't feel the way it did when Jungkook did it. Still, Yoongi sighed and let him distract him with too gentle touches and easy chatter. Eventually, he poured himself a glass of whisky from the mini bar to wash down his painkiller while Taehyung sipped on a bottle of coke with a judgemental look on his face. He had never enjoyed casual drinking, but saved it for occasions like his birthday. They were both getting tired, Yoongi had finished his drink and was starting to think that falling asleep wouldn't be impossible after all, when his phone lit up with a text.

I'm sleepy, Hyung. And Jimin Hyung is still here.

At least Jungkook hadn't decided to not talk to him at all anymore. The thought hit Yoongi with sudden intensity, and without warning he felt sick to his stomach and swallowed hard against the lump in his throat and the whisky rising up his chest. What if today had unsettled Jungkook enough to decide that Yoongi wasn't worth the risk? What if this was it?

'Are you going to throw up?' Taehyung sounded alarmed, but rather than scooting away from him to save himself, he leaned over Yoongi and placed a hand on his chest.

'No. Sorry.'

'Hyung,' Taehyung sighed and shook his head. 'You know you shouldn't be drinking with the pills. We all know that.'

'Yeah. Sometimes I'm not a perfect person, okay?'

'You don't have to be. But don't make yourself feel worse on purpose. Why do you do that?'

The casual tone in which Taehyung asked his question almost made Yoongi laugh. It had taken three years of therapy for him to find answers, and he wasn't about to educate Taehyung on them in a single conversation.

'It makes me feel tired, not worse,' he shrugged instead. 'Sometimes it's just nice. I know I shouldn't, and it rarely happens. Don't worry.'

'I do worry,' Taehyung frowned. 'You still take the antidepressants, right?'

'Yeah, but it's all monitored by a million doctors. You don't have to do that, too.'

The way that Taehyung's lower lip jutted forward made Yoongi sigh and lean his head back for a second. He typed a quick, That's okay. Sleep well, before looking at him and taking a deep breath.

'Hey,' he said. 'I appreciate that you're all looking out for me, but I promise I'm okay. Yes, it's not always easy to figure out the best way to medicate, and yes, drinking is probably not always the best choice I could make, but it doesn't mean as much as you all want it to mean. We all have our bad habits, and this is just that. You'd realise if I truly got bad again, okay? I'm just not perfect, please let me have that.'

Taehyung studied him for a long moment, then nodded.

'Okay. But I'll stay here. And I saw you take your pill, so no more.'

Yoongi fought the urge to roll his eyes. He hadn't considered doubling his dosage tonight, even though the anxiety in his chest was rising up again with Jungkook's court text.

'Fine,' he muttered. He wanted another drink, but decided that with Taehyung's watchful gaze on him it wasn't worth it. Taehyung was probably right, anyways. It was a good thing that he was here, even if out of all the members, he gently annoyed Yoongi the most. It had been a long time since Yoongi had drunk himself into oblivion for the wrong reasons or that he had truly abused his painkillers in a conscious way, but maybe he really did come too close to the edge of what would be too much sometimes. So he placed his glass onto the floor and closed his eyes while the show Taehyung had chosen continued to run in the background, lulling him to sleep.

He woke up again once, when Taehyung left his room, but it only stirred him for a second. Thoughts of Jungkook remained on his mind even in his light sleep, and Yoongi tried to push them away. The result was a restless night in which he spoke to Jungkook in his dreams, begged him to stay, yelled at his unmoving body, turned away from him, unaware that Yoongi was even there. Again and again he woke only to remind himself that Jungkook wasn't actually there, that they hadn't even fought, that things would be alright in the morning. But every time he fell asleep again, he met Jungkook's stone cold eyes.

...

The next morning, Yoongi felt exhausted. He took a long shower after he dragged himself out of bed half asleep, packed his bags without any energy, and went down to breakfast with half a mind to skip it. The thought of coffee was the only reason he made himself go. He ran into two of their Noonas by the coffee machine and followed them to the furthest part of the breakfast hall that had been closed off for them. There, he found Jin and more Noonas chatting happily enough so that there was no reason for Yoongi to say anything other than a mumbled good morning.

He sat with his overfilling coffee cup and willed himself to wake up, surrounded by more Noonas that kept flocking to their table and that were all too cheerful for how early it was. Only half conscious he listened to their conversation about the run two of them had been on already, and kept sipping coffee incredulously. He disliked running to begin with, but doing so in the early morning was the last thing he would ever do for his health.

Yoongi swallowed a yawn when he felt a sudden weight on his shoulders. Instinct made him want to turn, but it took him only a second to realise that it was Jungkook who was resting his forearms on him and nuzzled his hair.

'Hyung,' he said by his ear. His nose brushed against his skin, almost as if he was breathing him in. Yoongi's heart skipped a beat, then relaxed with relief so heavy, it made his breath tremble when he let it out. Jungkook was here, still talking to him, still seeking him out. He wanted to reach out for him, wanted to keep him where he was, but he was already standing up straight again, asking, 'Where's the buffet?'

Jungkook was gone before Yoongi could say anything at all to him. He followed one of their Noonas to the breakfast bar and returned with a plate loaded with so much food it made Jin crack up and take out his phone to take pictures of it. Jungkook's eating turned the heads of the other Noonas, and they were soon all giggling, giving Jungkook too much attention for Yoongi to be able to compete with it. So he sat in silence and watched him devour his breakfast while he chatted with Jin and the Noonas. He seemed more rested than Yoongi felt, but Jungkook had always been better than him at making his body function when he had to.

Yoongi knew that it was stupid, reckless, but he couldn't stop himself from finding their head manager after breakfast and pulling her to the side.

'Could you arrange a car for me and Jungkook-ah to the venue?' he asked, casually and yet quiet enough for Hobi who was standing nearby not to overhear them. 'I need to talk to him about the recording time I'll book in spring.'

It was a lie, a very obvious one to anyone who knew about the EP and its process. Just because Jungkook had recorded some guides it didn't mean he had to be there for the actual recording process. But their manager only nodded, shuffled some papers around in her arms, and pulled out the sheet on which she obviously tracked their cars and drivers.

'Done,' she smiled at him. 'Are you feeling alright? Anything you need?'

Yoongi shrugged.

'Iced coffee at the venue?'

'You got it, Yoongi-yah.'

He dozed off again in the entrance hall where he leaned against Jimin's backpack and waited for the instruction to head out to the cars. All around him people were loud and cheerful and it made Yoongi's head hurt. The tension in his shoulder had spread to his neck over night and he rolled it around when he awoke to the sound of his name being called.

'You're with Jungkook-ah,' one of their security guards announced.

It wasn't a surprise to Yoongi of course, but it made him feel pleasantly warm to see how Jungkook's head perked up and how he grabbed for his bag so eagerly that Jin who was resting his legs on it toppled over.

Together they climbed into the back of the car and Yoongi let out a sigh once the hotel vanished from view behind the first corner they took. Finally, it was quiet. But he only enjoyed it for a second before he leaned forward and asked their driver for some music. With the Korean charts blasting a little too loudly through the car and their driver fully focused on the road, Yoongi finally dared to really look at Jungkook.

'Did Jimin-ah crash in your room?'

'Yeah.' Jungkook had his legs spread wide and he moved one knee to knock it against Yoongi's thigh where he could only just reach it. 'Sorry I never came over. I was...'

He trailed off and looked out the window. The look on his face was complicated, and while Yoongi loved that he got the honest version of how he felt rather than a meaningless smile, it still made worry twist deep in his guts.

'I know,' he tried. It wasn't a long ride to the venue, so he didn't waste any more time. 'Koo, I don't think he realised. I think we're good. Are you worried?'

The music was loud and their voices careful enough that their driver almost certainly couldn't hear them, but Yoongi still didn't want to risk it by becoming too specific. Jungkook pursed his lips, then looked down at his hands that were tearing at the zipper of his winter coat he'd left hanging open.

'You're so good at lying,' he said instead of answering his question. 'You shouldn't have to be.'

Yoongi frowned at him.

'It saved our asses yesterday, no?'

Jungkook nodded, then let out a sigh and looked back at him. Their knees touched again.

'The reason you're so good at it is that you've been doing it for years. It'll be like this all the time now, right? It's normal for you.'

There it was. Yoongi had known that that was where Jungkook's mind was at, and still it wasn't easy to hear it. Even if him thinking of their future should be a good thing.

'I guess,' he nodded. 'That's what I meant when I said you should take your time to think. There's sides to this that aren't pretty.'

Their car merged onto the freeway. In the distance, Yoongi could already see Gocheok Sky Dome. The reason they had taken a hotel for the night was exactly the close distance to the venue. It was a lot more convenient to be close by than to have to make their way through the traffic of downtown Seoul two days in a row.

'It's not like I'm not already thinking.'

Yoongi's stomach sank. He had tried his very best to stay detached for as long as possible, to not even believe it, to pretend Jungkook had only wanted a night of experience in Paris. And still it would hurt if it ended now, just when Yoongi had allowed himself to believe it might happen again and again. It would hurt like hell, and Yoongi wasn't ready.

'Yeah?' he tried, his voice hoarse. 'It's a lot of risk, and I never expected you to want to take it. So if you're saying this is it, then...'

'What the fuck?'

Jungkook's gaze snapped up so quickly, it burned Yoongi with its sudden intensity.

'That's not what I'm saying, Hyung. I just want you to know that I'm aware that we've been too careless. But that doesn't mean... Do you want to end it? Is that it?'

He had dropped his voice so low, Yoongi could hardly hear him. His heart was racing again. Jungkook's admission that there was something to end, no matter how undefined it was, had him curse yesterday's carelessness even more. If there was something that could potentially break, they should have been all the more careful not to let it do so.

'No,' he simply said. 'That's the last thing that I want.' It was too big a conversation to be had in a car with only a few minutes to themselves, and when their privacy wasn't even real, and still Yoongi couldn't stop himself from saying, 'I just wondered if you... I don't know. I was worried.'

Jungkook's eyes widened. They did so often, and still Yoongi couldn't get over how beautiful he looked when he gave someone his full attention like this, when he didn't hide how much words could get to him. There was intrigue in his gaze, but also something like gentle disbelief that made Yoongi shake his head and somewhat regret his confession

'Sorry, that's... I didn't mean it like that. It would be your choice to make of course, I just...'

He didn't know what he was saying. He was tired, so damn tired, and his thoughts were a mess.

'Hyung, I didn't mean to worry you. I just underestimated how easy it would be for someone to find out and everything suddenly felt so risky. I thought about kicking Jimin Hyung out, but it felt so obvious.'

'Yeah, I guess you're right. We do need to be more careful.'

Jungkook nodded, but the look on his face was more sadness than anything else now.

'Hyung,' he said again, a little pleading, but Yoongi shut him up with a look. He hadn't brought up his worries for Jungkook to keep apologising.

'I'm kind of glad, you know? I was waiting for reality to hit you and it's good that it has.'

Jungkook made a face at him.

'Fuck reality,' he muttered. 'I want what we had on New Years.'

The only way Yoongi could understand him was by looking right at his lips. His voice was so low.

'We still have that. If you want.'

The smile on Jungkook's face finally eased the tension in Yoongi's chest. It wasn't entirely gone, but he took a deep breath and felt that it came easier to him now that they seemed to be on the same page again. Jungkook still wanted this. Jungkook wasn't going anywhere. At least for now.

Yoongi wanted to hold his hand, an urge that only seemed to get more uncontrollable the more Jungkook made him believe that he could. But they had just talked about having to be more careful, and even though their driver was focused on changing lanes, it was still too risky. So he contented himself with studying Jungkook's profile while he dug his fingers into the leather seat of the car to keep them to himself.

He tried his best to keep a reasonable amount of space between the two of them once they arrived at the venue and headed straight towards the stage for another rehearsal. It was easy enough to focus on work, and he watched Jungkook do the same with his usual energy. And still, something uneasy nagged at him all day and made it hard to relax. It didn't even help that they ended the night with more awards in their arms.

...

'Hyung.'

A heavy weight pressed Yoongi down into the mattress and made it hard to breathe.

'Yoongi. Yoongi Hyung.'

They were only whispers, but enough to pull him out of a sleep that had been so blissfully deep, Yoongi fought the promise of consciousness. He kept his eyes shut, tried to remember if he'd been dreaming, and let the dark waves of sleep take him under again. But it was hard to do when fingers were dancing over his skin by his collarbone, tickling him, and lips brushed against his ear.

'Yoongi.'

He opened his eyes. It was dark in his room, but he didn't need to see Jungkook to know that it was he who had snuck underneath his blanket. He smelled like fresh laundry and shampoo and peppermint, all clean and too fresh for whatever time it had to be, as if he had only just come home and washed up.

Yoongi didn't mean it when the back of his hand collided with Jungkook's jaw in an instinctive attempt to fight the tickling sensation against his neck. He wanted to curse at him for being a nuisance, but all that came out was a sleepy mumble. Last night, after the continuation of the Golden Disk Awards, he had wished Jungkook would find his way into his bed once they reached the dorm, but he had never made it there himself and had instead fallen asleep on the living room couch while everyone else had fought over the first shower. Tonight, he hadn't expected him as he had headed out for a late gym session with Namjoon.

As he came to, he realised just how much of Jungkook's weight was resting on top of him, how closely he had pressed his body to Yoongi's. He was warm, his hair wet, and his giggle so soft it instantly soothed any annoyance Yoongi wanted to feel.

'I wanna kill you, but you smell good.'

His words were nothing more than a sleepy mumble that he paired with running his hand over Jungkook's jaw in apology for hitting him.

'We just never get any time during the day,' Jungkook said quietly, a smile evident in his voice despite his complaint. 'And it's less risky like this, right?'

It was indeed less risky to be together if everyone else was asleep, but there was a reason for them to be, and it was their cruel early morning schedule Yoongi was already dreading. Still, he hummed in agreement. Giving up an hour of sleep felt like a small sacrifice to make if he got to have Jungkook close to him like this without having to worry about who might walk in on them. It had been three days and he was still thinking about that moment at Gocheok Sky Dome.

'Did you work out until now?'

'Hyung and I hung out for a bit after. It's only 1AM.'

Only. But it was better than what Yoongi had expected. He shuffled around a little so he was able to wrap his arms around Jungkook and sighed when he finally held him. He still couldn't believe how it was that they lived with each other and still only got to have this so rarely.

'Next time you should come,' Jungkook kept talking. He didn't sound anywhere close to tired, and yet his voice was lazy, mumbled, perfect to listen to in the dark. 'Like we did in the US. I forgot where.'

'That was before. I can't look at you working out now. Not anymore.'

His sleepy self had never known any boundaries or filters, but Jungkook seemed to enjoy his confession and huffed a laugh against his neck that made him shiver.

'I thought about sending you a selca to the cabin, but it felt like too much.'

'From the gym? Go ahead, if you want to kill me.'

Yoongi's hand found the back of Jungkook's neck and he ran his fingers over his damp skin there. His hair had clearly been towelled dry, but it still left the tips of Yoongi's fingers cold and wet.

'It's a little strange,' Jungkook mused. 'Texting you that way. Like I would with a girl.'

'You think in such binaries.'

'It's just weird because I've known you for so long. And... I never snuck around with guys in Daegu. I don't know the rules.'

'Don't,' Yoongi said into the darkness. He had to smile a little at the slightly pouty tone in Jungkook's voice. 'You don't have to be any different around me now. Don't overthink it.'

'I thought the advise was to think more.'

'Not about this. Honestly. I told you before, it's not as different as you think. Not all girls are the same, either, yeah?'

He could feel Jungkook nod and his hair tickled his neck once more. He was quiet for a bit and Yoongi swallowed a yawn. It would be so easy to fall back asleep, but Jungkook was right in saying that they hadn't gotten any time alone together in the last two days and Yoongi didn't want to waste it. Not when Jungkook's low voice sounded so addicting and touching him still felt wondrous and healing in such a strange way.

'I thought about the other thing,' Jungkook told him quietly. Apparently sleep wasn't an option for him just yet, either. 'I really don't think he realised. If he did, he would have said something already, right?'

The hopeful tone in his voice gave away the uncertainty that he felt. Yoongi wished he could have said that he himself didn't feel the same way, but it would have been a lie.

'Maybe, yeah.' He hated the subject, it made that lingering anxiety he felt about Jungkook's reaction to nearly being caught rise up again, but he knew it wasn't something they could avoid. Not unless they were to put an end to what they had started, and Yoongi was surprised by how strongly he hated the idea when it hadn't been that long ago that he had been convinced it was the only way. 'Maybe he's being nice. It's not his business after all. But I don't think he saw.'

'What do you think would happen if he did? If he told management?'

It wasn't something Yoongi wanted to think about, much less talk about, but it was true that he was glad Jungkook was finally starting to understand the reality of their situation. There was a part of Yoongi that wanted him to remain blissfully unaware, but if he did, there was nowhere to go for them. A large part of the reason why he'd initially stayed away from Jungkook altogether after Paris was because he'd been sure that Jungkook would have chosen to do the same if he'd fully understood the consequences. He couldn't draw Jungkook in closer without making sure that he did.

'I don't think it would go well,' he forced himself to say, if quietly. 'In the end they can't force us to stay away from each other, but they would make us so aware of the risk it puts the guys in, and their future, that they wouldn't have to ask twice. Maybe they'd drop us from the label. I don't know.'

Jungkook didn't say anything and Yoongi stroked his fingers over his neck again in silent reassurance.

'But that's the worst case scenario. It doesn't take into account how things are turning around these days. How we're less dependent on management, but are making them depend on us. I think the more successful this tour and this comeback is going to be, the less likely it is that us disbanding or losing two members would be a profitable solution for them.'

Again, Jungkook was quiet for too long, until Yoongi nudged him slightly with his hip.

'It's not fair,' was all he had to say.

'I know.'

'They never said anything about Hobi Hyung's girlfriend except for giving her some paperwork to sign.'

'Yeah. But Kook-ah...' Yoongi sighed, turning the words he was going to say over in his head. Carefully, he tried, 'We're never going to change the industry. But we can find ways to live in it. It's not impossible to keep things on the down low. No one ever said anything on tour, no?'

He felt Jungkook shake his head this time. Then his lips were pressing against Yoongi's collarbone. God, Yoongi still couldn't believe that that was something they did now. They might not drag each other into dark corners any chance they got, but they were slowly getting used to this. The soft, casual kisses that meant almost more than the frenzied heat they had only experienced twice before. And while Yoongi ached for the latter, he died a little every time he got the former.

'We'll be more careful,' Jungkook muttered under his breath, the words kissing Yoongi's skin. 'We'll be better when we're working. But I don't want to stop.'

'Neither do I.'

Always, their words felt heavier in the dark than they would during daytime. They had Yoongi thinking of the years to come rather than merely the next day, the next schedule, the next tour date. What if they never reached a point at which one of them wanted an out? What if things continued just like this, with Jungkook sneaking into his bed every night, with them stealing kisses whenever they could? They would be living a bigger lie than Yoongi had ever thought he would, but it would be the best one he could imagine. If he let himself do so, which wasn't easy. Every time he did, he remembered how quickly Jungkook had been thrown off track by a moment of fear.

He let out a deep breath. When he felt Jungkook mirror him, it tickled his neck again and Yoongi squirmed a little under him, making him laugh.

'Tell me about the cabin.' Jungkook propped his chin up on Yoongi's chest where it dug into his ribs a little painfully, but Yoongi didn't want to move him. 'Are you all good with Yijeong Hyung?'

'When has he become your Hyung? Have you ever had a conversation before?'

They had probably met here and there, but Jungkook was closer to their dancers, their vocal coaches, or even some of their videographers than their producers. He dug his fingers into Yoongi's sides now in protest, anyways.

'We're good,' Yoongi told him without teasing him any more. 'It was just stupid arguments. He's too hung up on recreating the first EP, but I want this one to be different.'

'Did you kiss? Do more?'

Yoongi leaned his head back against the pillow with a silent groan even when he could hear Jungkook's quiet laugh.

'I can see where you got the impression, but I don't make out with all of my friends.'

'Then what did you do? You really just worked all week?'

Jungkook sounded a little more serious again, curious, and he let out a sigh when Yoongi continued to rub his fingers over the back of his neck.

'Mostly. We also drank and we talked until late.'

The weight of Jungkook's chin shifted and Yoongi watched him prop himself up onto his elbows instead, looking at him. His eyes had adjusted to the dark well enough that he could make out his features easily.

'Did you talk to him about guys?'

'No?'

Yoongi didn't know where this conversation was going, but if Jungkook knew, that was good enough. Clearly there was something on his mind, something he wanted to know about that didn't have to do with Yijeong in particular, and so he let him continue to guide them there.

'You spent almost a whole week together holed up in a cabin and it never came up?'

'Unless I told him about you, they'd all be stories from years and years ago.'

'But don't you ever feel like telling someone? Not about me, but in general. If not within the group, then someone else?'

This was it. The question Jungkook had really wanted to ask, although he had done so before. It was still about just how good Yoongi had become at lying. Yoongi let out a sigh, even though he understood.

'I didn't know what I was missing until I told you. I've gotten so used to keeping a part of me to myself, I don't notice it much anymore. Though I've thought about it more, recently.'

The way that Jungkook was watching him speak with his chin resting on his hands felt too intense even in the dark, and so Yoongi rolled onto his side.

'But we're not only kissing because I'm the only one who knows, right?'

Jungkook hadn't even finished speaking before Yoongi had knocked his elbow out from underneath him and was dragging him up close to him on the pillow with more force than he had meant to use.

'That's the stupidest thing you've ever said. You have no idea how stupid.'

He kissed Jungkook then, if only because there was simply no other way to show him just how much he meant what he had said. Two years of wanting Jungkook and he still wondered if he was merely a convenient choice? Which part about loving Jungkook was convenient?

'So fucking stupid,' he repeated. 'Seriously. I could assume the same thing, you know? That you're only sticking around because I'm the only gay guy you know. You know it's not like that.'

'I know, yeah.'

Jungkook did sound like he meant it. He also sounded distracted though, his gaze was lingering on Yoongi's lips.

'Would it be too risky if I stayed here for the night?'

There was simply no way that Yoongi would say yes if he was asked like that. He was too weak to throw Jungkook out, and he couldn't believe that Jungkook hadn't figured it out yet.

'I don't think we need to worry about the guys too much. It's staff and management we need to be more careful around. The public. Fuck what the guys think.'

It wasn't that easy of course. If it were then Yoongi wouldn't have spent the last half decade carefully guarding his secret. And still, with how easy it had become to talk to Jungkook, it suddenly felt less monumental to imagine a world in which the others knew, too. He'd certainly rather have Namjoon know than their physio or someone else who wasn't part of what the seven of them had. And why would they bat an eye at Jungkook sleeping in his room when he had done the same thing with them for years, and still did so often enough with Jimin?

With a sigh, he pulled Jungkook in closer again.

Chapter Text

It was only a few more days until they were boarding yet another flight that would bring them to Japan once more. At least this time it was for two back to back concerts rather than a handful of songs squeezed into hours of waiting and clapping politely from their seats in an audience. Yoongi felt excited to step onto a real stage again, one that was waiting only for them. Half the group was nursing a minor cold once more, but he himself had so far been spared. He knew that Jungkook's throat was giving him trouble, and he kept hearing everyone around him throw out reminders that he should rest his voice instead of singing softly to himself. But none of them were truly sick enough for it to lower their spirits.

There was excitement in the air when they made their way to the airport straight from the company the night before their first show, and so Yoongi was surprised to see a dark look on Jimin's face when they boarded the plane less than an hour later. He was already seated and watched Jimin enter the plane, throw one glance at Jin who had chosen a seat right by the door, and then walk all the way back to where Yoongi was. Jungkook was right on his heels, looking a little uncomfortable. He sat down on the other side of the aisle from Jimin so that both of them were now facing Yoongi.

'What's up?' Yoongi asked, looking back and forth between them. The two of them often got into minor arguments, but they were generally resolved moments later with no hard feelings. It didn't look like they were fighting right now, but something was definitely off.

'Hey,' Yoongi demanded when Jimin only huffed and busied himself with digging through his backpack. The others were slowly coming down the aisle now, but no one made it as far back as the seat across from Jungkook.

'I don't wanna talk about it,' Jimin quipped. 'Just like some other people around here apparently don't talk.'

Yoongi's eyes immediately found Jungkook's. Relief spread through his chest when he watched him shake his head a little. This wasn't about them and the secret they kept. And still Jungkook looked more concerned than he usually did whenever Jimin was ranting about something that upset him for a minute or two before getting over it. Jimin was always quick to talk himself into a bad mood, but just as quick to pick himself up again.

'Just tell me,' Yoongi now sighed. 'I don't wanna have to look at your pouting for two hours and wonder.'

'If you're wondering, just ask Jin Hyung.'

Jin was far enough away not to hear them over the noise of the plane getting ready for taxi which meant that Yoongi in return couldn't make sense of what Namjoon, who had sat down next to him, was lecturing him about. Both of them had their backs to Yoongi and it was impossible to make out what kind of conversation they were having.

'Jimin-ah. Come on, don't be dramatic.'

'I'm not!' Jimin's complaint came out so flippantly, it made Yoongi raise an eyebrow at him in a silent challenge. Somehow, he got the feeling that whatever Jimin was upset about wasn't something that would truly be a problem. He had seen Jimin on his worst days, and his true distress looked very different compared to the annoyance that showed on his face right now.

'I'll ask Jungkookie if you won't tell me.'

'Go ahead. Jungkookie would at least be honest.'

It was the wrong thing to say. Jungkook bit the inside of his lower lip as he pretended not to listen with so much concentration, it made his ears turn red.

'You sure you want me to drop it?' he tried now, to which Jimin finally let go of his bag and met his gaze. He didn't really want to go through the entire flight without talking about it, he had only needed to pretend.

'Alright. Turns out Jin Hyung's had a girlfriend for weeks that he hasn't bothered to tell any of us about.'

Yoongi had to bite down on the inside of his cheek to hide his laugh, but his lack of real effort earned him a scowl from Jimin.

'Don't pretend you want to hear it if you're not gonna take me seriously.'

Jimin had a point, and so Yoongi wiped a hand over his mouth and leaned forward onto his knees to be a little closer to Jimin.

'I'm sorry, okay? But it's not something that deserves that face of yours. Since when does Jin Hyung owe you that information?'

'It's not about owing anyone anything, it's about sharing your life with your best friends!'

'How did you find out?'

'He just told me in the car to the airport. As if it were nothing.'

'So he did tell you.'

'He should have told me two months ago! Not when I begged him for an update on that girl he said nothing was going to happen with all the way back in Tokyo last year.'

'Jimin-ah,' Yoongi sighed. 'Sometimes people want to share things when they're ready. Or not at all. It has nothing to do with you or your friendship.'

'It has, though. If I were seeing someone, you'd all know about it. I'd be dying to tell you. Why wouldn't I be ready to talk to my best friends? Why would I shut them out like that?'

Yoongi's eyes flickered over to Jungkook once more, if involuntarily this time. Sure enough, Jungkook was staring out the window with a stoney look on his face. His jaw was set, and it looked like he was still biting his lower lip. Fuck.

'We all trust each other, right?' Jimin went on. 'I just don't get it. Why would he keep a secret like that? Why doesn't he understand that it hurts to be excluded like that?'

Jungkook swallowed so hard, Yoongi could see it from the other side of the aisle. He forced his eyes back to Jimin even when all he wanted was to tell Jungkook to stop listening, to stop projecting.

'I hear you, okay?' he tried, his voice a little softer, a little more serious than it had been before. 'You're the kind of person who shares, and to you that equals honesty. But I don't think keeping something to yourself for a little while, for whatever reason, is a lie. It also doesn't mean Jin Hyung doesn't value your friendship. Maybe he just wanted to figure this out for himself before he had six other people weighing in on the situation.'

'It's been two months.'

'So what? Two months is not a long time when it comes to understanding what you feel for someone. Cut him some slack, huh?'

It had been three months since he and Jungkook had first kissed, half a year since they had started to spend more time together, and forever since Yoongi had looked at him without his heart bursting out of his chest as if he were in an anime. And still he had no idea what to do with it all. All he knew was that he didn't want it to stop, and for whatever reason, Jungkook seemed to feel the same way. If he told someone about it now, he wouldn't have words for it, despite how many hours he had pondered over it by now. Jungkook and he hadn't settled on a word for it.

He gave Jimin a pointed look when he heard a muttered, 'What do you know about it?' It was immediately followed by, 'Sorry, Hyung. Sorry.'

'Talk to Jin Hyung, okay? It's fair to feel hurt, but you and I both know that was never his intention.'

'I can't believe you're taking his side.'

But Jimin sounded less argumentative, less harsh. He was already starting to calm down. Yoongi risked another glance at Jungkook and his heart sank when he realised that his eyes were shiny. He hated how there was nothing he could do about it, no matter how badly he wanted to. He had to sit through two hours of this flight without being able to tell Jungkook that while it was easy to project, Jimin wasn't actually angry with him. And if they continued to be careful, there was no reason for him to be that any time soon.

'You know, Jimin-ah,' he said, 'You're a great friend. But we all deal with things differently. If you're going to react this way every time someone keeps something from you, all it does is make them feel guilty. And they might never want to tell you in the first place.'

Jimin gave him a look, considering, but at the same time offended.

'You've always been too honest.'

The smile on Yoongi's face was cynical. He didn't want to imagine the hurt on Jimin's face if he ever did find out that Yoongi had not only kept his sexuality a secret for years, he had also been sneaking around with his best friend without ever saying a word. But what was there to say about it? It was none of Jimin's business. It was nothing, really. Nothing they had defined or discussed further than the here and now. And even the present seemed more and more unsteady, what with how Jungkook was still biting back tears.

Once Jimin had quieted down and had started to play a game on his console he had brought, Yoongi got out his phone and texted Jungkook a little question mark, but he didn't react. His phone wasn't in sight and he was busy staring out of the window and ignoring Yoongi's repeated attempts at making eye contact. Eventually, Yoongi gave up and leaned his head against his own window and closed his eyes, even though it would be impossible to actually fall asleep.

He dozed until they reached Nagoya but didn't feel rested. Jungkook got into the first car that waited for them at the airport and didn't respond to his text even later at night when Yoongi knew he must have checked his phone at least once. The silence ate away at him and distracted him too much so that working on the EP was not an option.

What he wanted was company, someone to put lighter thoughts on his mind, but Hobi had been called into one of their stylists' hotel rooms for a hair cut and Taehyung who had recently proved himself the perfect distraction had headed towards the hotel pool with the documentary staff that Yoongi had no interest in being around longer than he had to. He had watched Namjoon follow Jimin earlier, so he had probably already started to mediate his fight with Jin better than Yoongi ever could.

The option he should have considered all along was Jin. He had to find their head manager once more to ask for the room sheet, and forced his eyes towards Jin's name rather than Jungkook's. Still, he couldn't help but note that Jungkook was right next to him tonight. Most likely he wanted to be alone, but the thought of him all by himself didn't sit well with Yoongi. Maybe he would knock on his door on his way back later, just to make sure he was doing alright, even though he already knew that he wasn't.

Jin wasn't, either. His eyes weren't red the way that Yoongi imagined Jungkook's to be by now, but he still looked exhausted when he opened the door.

'Thanks for dropping by,' he told Yoongi as he let him in. 'I was getting ready for bed, but I'm not sure I can sleep.'

'Yeah. I was next to Jimin-ah on the plane, so I heard. Wanna talk about it?'

'I bet he already told you all about how much of a deceiving liar I am.'

Yoongi sighed. He walked over to the window to see the same view he had from his own room. Every hotel looked the same after all these years. They felt like liminal spaces in which time stopped and he couldn't tell one city from the other after leaving.

'You know how he is. He'll get over it.'

Jin considered him from over by the door, then moved to let himself fall into the chair by the desk where two bags of crisps were waiting for him. He opened one, reached inside, then offered it to Yoongi who shook his head.

'So you don't think he's right?'

'I mean, in his own way he is. He's sensitive to these things. Doesn't mean you did something wrong.'

Jin only hummed, looking defeated.

'You're really dating her?'

Half of what made him ask was politeness. Any other night he would have gladly sat with Jin and listened to his blossoming love story, but tonight he was too distracted. He wouldn't be good company. And still Jin leaned back in his chair and took a deep breath, unaware of the knot of tension in Yoongi's chest.

'It's very new. When I told Jimin-ah and Taehyung-ah in November that I didn't think anything would come of it, that wasn't a lie. I really didn't think it would. You heard about that, right? Me going home?'

Yoongi only nodded. Jin shoved more crisps into his mouth.

'I really did tell her I had no idea whether I felt the same way. Or how we would make it work if I did. But somehow our conversations changed after that, we became so much more honest with each other, so much closer once that truth was out. And I kept thinking about it. So last week we decided to give it a try. Go out when we see each other again.'

'And when will that be?'

'I don't know. I was hoping to get a few days at the end of the month.'

It made sense. Yoongi had booked studio time for the couple of off days they'd be given with the option to extend it into the week of a fairly light schedule that would follow. He had expected for at least half the group to leave Seoul again, especially as there wouldn't be many options for it once they properly returned to touring in spring and their comeback would keep them busier than ever.

'So that's what Jimin-ah is losing his mind over? He made it sound as if you'd snuck her into the dorm for weeks.'

'You and I both know I wouldn't. I just wanted to understand what was happening before I told you all about it.'

'You don't need to justify it. Not to me, anyways.'

'Take this,' was Jin's response, his hand outreached to offer him the sealed bag of crisps. When Yoongi waved him off again, he sighed and gave him a critical look. 'Do you believe how grateful I am without the bribe then?'

'For what? None of the others will have an issue with this, it's just Jimin-ah throwing a fit.'

'I get it though.' Jin made a face. 'He really wanted to hear about it in November, he showed such an interest, and I just kept things to myself. I don't know, I just felt like once I told everyone, the choice would be made. And then the next step would be telling management when we haven't even gone on a date yet. I haven't even kissed her. It's nothing more than a possibility right now.'

'You'd tell management after that? End of the month?'

Jin shrugged.

'Better to be honest, no? There's no reason to veto her.'

Yoongi remembered sitting through the meetings he'd been forced to attend when he'd been younger. It had been around that time that he had decided that there was no room for dating in his life in Seoul, so he had never thought about the rules around it in more detail. He knew the company treated relationships differently based on whether or not there was another company involved. If one of them dated another idol, things would become more complicated. But people from home? Girls who wanted no part of their life in front of the camera? There was paperwork to sign, but just like with Hobi's relationship, it wasn't frowned upon as long as they kept the risk to a minimum and followed all company guide rules.

Something ugly twisted in Yoongi's chest. For him, things would never be as easy as a signature. Even if it weren't Jungkook he'd given his heart to, he would never leave a company meeting with management's blessing. There had been speeches about skinship, about boundaries they had to maintain that kept the public guessing, but never suggested a truth that could never be one. In their industry, his sexuality was a game. A gamble. Something that could only ever work in anyone's favour if it wasn't real.

'I'm happy for you,' he found himself saying. 'Even if it's nothing yet. I hope it'll turn into what you want.'

'Yoongi-yah,' Jin smiled. On camera, he would have wiped away fake tears, would have exaggerated his gratitude, but in private it was just this. A warm smile and comfortable silence once they had nothing more to say about it.

'Anything new in your life?'

It was Yoongi's cue to leave, even when he hadn't gotten as much of a distraction as he had hoped for.

'Just the EP being postponed.'

Jin nodded. By now, everyone had heard about Yoongi's abysmal scheduling skills.

'I'm sorry.'

'Yeah. It's okay. It's just not time yet.'

'Maybe it's better to wait. Spring will be crazy busy.'

Yoongi only hummed. It was what he'd started to tell himself as well, and still he felt disappointed in how his week at the cabin had gone.

'You really think Jimin-ah will come around?'

Jin had made an attempt, but clearly he hadn't moved on from his thoughts yet, and Yoongi couldn't blame him. It was never easy to know there was an unresolved argument within the group.

'Namjoon-ah is with him. He'll talk sense into him.'

In the pocket of Yoongi's jeans, his phone hummed. He'd put it on vibrate earlier in case Jungkook would reach out, and he hastened to reach for it even when Jin would notice his eagerness. But it wasn't Jungkook's name on his screen. Instead it was Namjoon, as if he had known he was being spoken of.

Thanks for talking to Jimin-ah. He said you already gave him a speech, so he didn't need mine.

Yoongi only scoffed. Sometimes he wished that Namjoon would rid himself of the burden of being their leader, but if he did, what would they do without him? He let Jin loudly demolish his crisps while he typed, Will you do me favour and check in on Kookie if Jimin-ah doesn't need you?

He knew he shouldn't be sending Jungkook a supervisor, and he also shouldn't worry Namjoon, but he couldn't bear the idea of Jungkook being by himself after how he'd teared up on the plane. And at the same time, he didn't know if it could be him who talked to him about it tonight. What would he say to him? If he told him that Jimin wouldn't be bothered if he ever learned that Jungkook had kept such a large part of his life from him for months now, he'd be lying, and they'd both know it. But he also didn't want to have yet another conversation about how reality was catching up with them. He didn't want to hear Jungkook's acknowledgement of it.

Why? What's up with him? came Namjoon's response.

You know how he gets when someone argues.

It wasn't a lie. Even if he hadn't made tonight about him, he'd still be upset about Jin and Jimin fighting. It was the way Jungkook had always been. Tearful about every argument he'd been forced to witness over the years, but silent when he was asked about his own struggles.

I'll swing by. You with Jin Hyung?

Yoongi only sent him a thumbs up. He didn't know how Namjoon knew. Sometimes things were easy like this between them all, the same way that Yoongi knew where the other members were without remembering how.

'Do you want a drink, Hyung?'

He caught Jin mid yawn.

'I appreciate it, but not tonight? I kind of just want to sleep and talk to Jimin-ah in the morning.'

Yoongi nodded and pushed himself off of the window sill he had leaned himself against.

'It'll be alright. He just needs a night to cool down.'

Would he one day have to tell Jungkook the same thing? And would it be true? God, Yoongi would never forgive himself if Jungkook's most precious friendship fractured because of him. But, no matter how much he hated to admit it, what terrified him more was Jungkook coming to the same conclusion. That it wasn't worth it. Yoongi wouldn't even be able to tell him he was wrong if that was what he decided. The reason why Yoongi hadn't gotten close to anyone in years was exactly this. Because he hadn't wanted the sneaking around and the secrecy and the risk and the lies.

It was different with Jungkook. Jungkook was already a secret. He was already a lie. Them actually being involved with each other was at least a secret that made Yoongi happy. Or had only just started to, as messed up as it was. And now it might be over. Now they might come to their senses and Yoongi would go back to building walls around his every thought about Jungkook.

He couldn't believe how hard the wave of anxiety and disappointment crashed at the thought. When had he let himself get dragged so deep into this when he had started out knowing better? Whatever Jungkook decided he wanted to do, Yoongi had to take a step back into safety. Not away from Jungkook altogether, he had tried that before and had failed, but he had to find a way to prepare for the worst so he'd survive it when it came.

And still.

'Give me that,' he decided as he got ready to leave. He grabbed the sealed bag of crisps from Jin's desk. It was something Jungkook would want.

...

Their concerts in Japan were the first ones in over a month and Yoongi felt it in every aching limb of his body. His shoulder was pounding with pain when he got off stage and the muscles in his back and calves felt about ready to snap with every step he took. Someone pressed an ice pack to the back of his neck and he sighed at the cooling sensation, but it couldn't make up for how battered his body felt. With a groan he sank onto the couch backstage to gather his breath and stretch his legs.

All around him sounded similar exclaims of both pain and relief as the members slowly arrived backstage and began to tend to their aches and bruises while accessories and sweaty clothes were dropped onto every available surface. Breathing was all Yoongi could focus on, but that was only true until he saw Jungkook enter the room, half leaning onto one of their managers who was keeping him upright.

Jungkook had struggled throughout the whole day, and Yoongi had watched him do so from afar. The official explanation he'd heard from their choreographer was that he was battling a cold and felt not at his best, but Yoongi knew that it was more than that. He had watched Jungkook's rehearsal he'd barely managed to finish, had watched him nod off during their briefing for the show earlier, and had frowned at him skipping lunch in favour of a quick nap.

It was obvious that he had gotten zero sleep last night and could barely keep himself upright because of it. And it wasn't difficult to guess what was on his mind. Namjoon had pulled him aside during breakfast and told him confidently how Jungkook would be fine once Jimin and Jin made up, but Yoongi wasn't so sure. He wasn't sure of anything anymore, and his own thoughts had kept him up way too long last night.

Holding the ice pack in place, he leaned to the side to be able to see Jungkook where he sank down to the floor over by one of the make up stations. A staff member offered him oxygen which he obediently covered his nose and mouth with. Maybe it really was more than just exhaustion. Yoongi was about to get up, was about to tell staff to call a medic, but Jungkook waved off another hit of oxygen and pulled himself up onto his knees where he stayed and took deep breaths.

Hands on Yoongi's shoulder distracted him, but he made sure not to lose sight of Jungkook when a light stretch made him clench his teeth.

'Did you warm up well?' his physio asked.

'Not any less than usual.'

'It's the long break that you had. You need to start hitting the gym during off times, Yoongi-yah, or you'll always feel this way when you return to the stage.'

Yoongi sent a scowl sideways, then immediately regretted it.

'I know. Sorry.'

'It's not me you need to do it for. It's for your own good.'

'Yeah. I know.'

He bit down hard on the inside of his lower lip when strong hands dug into his muscles for a quick massage.

'Come and see me tomorrow morning for a proper session. I don't want you on stage in the evening before I've had a look at you.'

The nod Yoongi gave him was obedient. It hurt the back of his neck. He glanced back over to Jungkook where one of the Noonas had now crouched down next to him and was holding out a bottle of water for him. It was his personal stylist, the one who had watched him grow up from when he had been fifteen. Jungkook had always liked her, and he managed to send her a small smile before taking the bottle and downing half of it.

They were slow to pack up and gather by the parking lot behind the arena. All of them felt exhausted after a month with no shows, and for once no one talked about going out or hitting the hotel bar. Even Taehyung and Jimin longed for endless showers and their beds as they made for the first car in line. Jungkook was the last to show up and he leaned against the wall by the door immediately, his hood drawn up over his head, a new water bottle in his hand. When Hobi came up to him to tug at the drawstring of his sweater and try and pull him into a hug, he shoved him off weakly.

Yoongi didn't want to think it, but he couldn't help it when the sight of it brought a bitter feeling up in his chest. Jungkook had spent the evening with Namjoon and was immediately back to imitating him and his way of ducking out of affection most of the time. It wasn't Namjoon's intention, maybe it wasn't even something Jungkook was conscious of, but to Yoongi it was obvious. Namjoon's influence on him showed in the best ways possible, but then it also showed like this. It made Jungkook want to be tougher than he was, made him despise being babied even more than he usually did.

Their head manager waved both Hobi and Jungkook over to the next car in line, and they both went, shoulders bumping as Hobi wouldn't accept being refused that easily. When they passed Yoongi, he reached out to Jungkook's sleeve to make him stop. In his backpack was the bag of crisps he had stolen from Jin last night, and he dug it out and put it into Jungkook's hand without saying a word. Jungkook looked down at it, then up at Yoongi, and gave him the most exhausted smile Yoongi had ever seen on him.

He didn't say thank you, but his hand closed around the crunchy bag tightly before he kept walking. Yoongi was left behind with Namjoon and Jin who spent the entire car ride trying to convince the other that they were in more pain, listing their many aching joints and muscles and bruises. In the end, they settled on Yoongi as the winner as he was too beat to contribute anything at all.

As a group, they sat through the quickest debrief Yoongi had ever attended before they were sent off to their rooms. Jungkook's room number was easy to memorise, but Yoongi made his way to his own room first to drop off his bag, take a shower, and swallow a painkiller for his shoulder. He was towelling his hair dry with one hand in order to rest his bad arm when a knock on the door made him stop.

He knew it was Jungkook before he'd opened the door. By now he recognised his way of knocking too many times, always too eager, although it was weak today. Yoongi was slow to make his way over to let him in, even when he was glad for his decision to come and see him. They hadn't talked since they had left Seoul, and the silence had managed to built up a fear within Yoongi that he had dragged all throughout last night and today. Seeing Jungkook would help, even if there was a nagging voice in the back of his mind insisting that if they didn't talk, Jungkook could also not tell him anything he didn't want to hear.

Jungkook hadn't washed up yet. He stood in front of the door in the same hoodie and sweatpants that he had put on backstage, with his crisps in one hand. The bag was open and already looked fairly light.

'I'm about to pass out,' was his greeting.

'Same.'

It wasn't something Yoongi thought twice about saying, but it earned him a concerned look.

'Did you take pills?'

Yoongi had to fight hard not to roll his eyes. The constant vigilance annoyed him, no matter how hard he might have earned it.

'Just the one.'

He rolled his shoulder to make a point, then slammed the door shut a little more loudly than necessary.

'What's up with you?' he asked. All day he had watched Jungkook from afar, he had heard the version he had given the others, but maybe it wasn't the same as the one he'd give him.

'So fucking tired. I didn't sleep all night.'

That much wasn't a surprise. Yoongi watched Jungkook fall face first onto the bed that was still made.

'Thinking too much?'

Jungkook hummed. His words were mumbled into the sheets when he said, 'I couldn't sleep so I went to the gym at like 3AM. I probably overdid it and then I still couldn't sleep because I was hungry, so I ordered room service and my body didn't agree with eating at that time. I got like half an hour before my alarm went off.'

What Yoongi wanted to do was to scold him, but he bit his tongue. His own ways of dealing with an overflowing mind were arguably more unhealthy than hitting the gym and upsetting his stomach. So he went over to the bed instead, and even though just last night he had sworn to take a step back, to protect his heart, he crawled halfway on top of Jungkook and covered his body with his own, ignoring his protesting shoulder. He felt more than heard the deep sigh that Jungkook let out and he clung to the proof of how Jungkook had needed this, too.

'You did well today, considering,' he mumbled into Jungkook's ear. 'You can crash here if you want. If that'll make you sleep.'

Jungkook's affirming hum made Yoongi's belly feel warm no matter how hard he fought against it.

'You've already showered.' Jungkook sounded so sleepy his words were all slurred. 'I was thinking you'd help me wash up. I'm too tired for it.'

He wasn't serious. He couldn't be serious. Most likely he was half asleep, else he wouldn't be talking of shared showers and Yoongi running his hands all over his body to rub soap into his skin. Yoongi had to swallow against his suddenly fluttering heart before he could say, 'Don't be lazy. It doesn't suit you.'

There was no response which left Yoongi's mind reeling with images he didn't need to think about. He'd spent twenty-four hours carefully preparing himself for the worst, to hear Jungkook say he couldn't do this anymore, and the first thing he said to him was this. It implied a future, a level of intimacy that would be a step up more than anything. And Yoongi held on to it with all his might.

He didn't want to hear Jungkook say anything else tonight, he decided. He didn't want them to talk about Jimin, or the conclusions Jungkook would draw from yesterday. Or the ones Yoongi should probably draw, if being smart outweighed the fuzzy feeling in his belly that he got simply from feeling Jungkook's body underneath his. And still he had to ask.

'You wanna talk at all?' he offered, if lazily, a mere whisper against Jungkook's neck where goosebumps rose up in response.

Relief spread through his chest when he heard Jungkook hum a weak denial. It would be short lived, he knew, but for now it was what he wanted. Just Jungkook's body heat, his presence, his sleepy mumbling and blissful affection.

'Wanna wash up,' he muttered, but didn't move. Yoongi in turn didn't make things any easier for him and kept his body plastered to Jungkook's back, though he did let himself drop to the side after a while to relieve his shoulder. One of his legs remained on top of Jungkook, but having shifted his upper body gave him enough room to slowly dig the fingers of his left hand into the muscles near Jungkook's shoulder blades.

The sigh Jungkook let out sounded so heavenly, Yoongi put more effort into the massage, despite how tired he was. They lay in silence as he worked his fingers into Jungkook's skin over his shirt, rubbing up and down his spine, drawing hard circles where he felt little knots and bumps. It was what he wanted done to himself, but Jungkook had relieved the pain in his shoulder often enough. He wouldn't ask for it tonight when Jungkook could hardly stand up.

It was only due to how tired he was that Yoongi managed not to think further about what Jungkook had said, about how he could be touching him just like this but in the shower, without any clothes in the way. Instead he focused on nothing but the warmth of Jungkook's body and the drowsy sleepiness that spread through him. Knowing that Jungkook would stay the night loosened at least some of the tension within him. And realising that he was melting into Yoongi's touch, was letting himself relax under him, made everything even better, especially when Yoongi had watched his impression of Namjoon earlier.

He didn't know how much time passed, or whether they actually fell asleep for a while. His hands became lazier until his massage turned into slow rubs over Jungkook's back that he savoured more than he thought Jungkook himself did. He nosed along the nape of Jungkook's neck, then dug his fingers into his muscles a little harder again where he had noticed he enjoyed it the most.

'Come on,' he tried when his shoulder began to seriously bother him from lying on his front for too long. 'Either shower or get into bed, huh?'

'Need to brush my teeth,' was Jungkook's mumbled response. Then he twisted around to get to his bag of crisps that was somehow still in his hand. He was clinging to it as if it was something a lot more precious than a snack. Despite how tired he was, he still managed to shove a handful into his mouth. Yoongi watched him until the bag was empty. At least eating seemed to make him fully conscious again.

'You sent Namjoon Hyung to me last night,' he said when he was done.

'Yeah.'

There was no point in denying it. Jungkook would know anyways. He knew him too well.

'I like hanging out with you more, you know?'

The scoff Yoongi let out was too full of affection for what it was.

'More than Joon-ah? You think I'll believe that?'

The smile on Jungkook's face was so sweet, so sleepy, Yoongi wanted to kiss it.

'I don't understand it either.'

With that, Jungkook finally sat up. He rolled his shoulders, let his hand run over Yoongi's back, and then he was gone and the bed felt suddenly cold. Yoongi listened to him move around in the bathroom, heard the water run for a while, then the sink, the flush of the toilet. Lazily, he shoved the covers off the bed without moving too much and crawled underneath the sheets. Then he closed his eyes again and let the soft sounds coming from the bathroom lull him to sleep.

He noticed Jungkook come to bed, heard him mumble something about complementary toothbrushes and soap, but he didn't respond. He lay still until Jungkook pressed his whole body up against his back and peppered his bad shoulder with kisses. His medication had done its job and still he sighed when Jungkook rubbed his aching muscles for a while. He wanted to say something, wanted to stay up just to savour the time they had together, but he couldn't help it when he was dragged back to sleep with the scent of Jungkook's presence surrounding him.

...

It almost felt as if they could move on from Jimin's unintentional reminder of their betrayal. Jungkook never said anything about it and Yoongi's fear of hearing something he didn't want to hear kept him from asking how he felt or thought about it. He already knew. He had seen it on Jungkook's face on the plane. He knew that even if they didn't talk about it, Jimin's words had left a mark on Jungkook. So Yoongi waited and pretended, hoped, wanted, feared.

They returned to Seoul, tended to their battered bodies with prolonged physio sessions and a good night of sleep, and continued their schedule without finding much time to themselves. Their first day back brought them to a set for a unit shoot which was rare. Yoongi was hardly ever paired with Jungkook for promotional activities, and he had always been glad for it as he hated having a camera witness how weak he was around him, yet he couldn't help but enjoy being able to be around him for a good reason for once.

Jungkook was clingy and bubbly all day, almost back to normal, and Yoongi did his best to believe it, although he knew that the attention of the cameras played a part in it. He kept himself busy at the Genius Lab in the evening and kept up the routine of work and more work for the next few days. Another award show, another shoot, another interview, another late night spent pondering over those goddamn guides. And then another reason to pack his bags again, the prospect of another early flight to yet another venue.

He was coming up from the laundry room with an arm full of clothes he'd been sponsored to wear at the airport in only a few hours when they would depart for Singapore. As he entered the kitchen, a single sock slipped from his pile for the third time, making him curse. He reached down, grasped it, then slammed it back on top yet again. Without watching his step he tripped over a pair of shoes that had been left by the kitchen door and lost the sock yet again.

The laugh that came from the kitchen bar was the only thing that kept him from losing his patience. Instead of letting out another curse he simply scowled towards where Jungkook was sitting, a waterfall of ramen dangling from his lips.

'Shut it,' he warned him, but Jungkook kept laughing as Yoongi threw his laundry onto the kitchen island and watched more items topple to the floor right away. 'When do you think we'll be rich enough to not have to do our own laundry anymore?'

Jungkook slurped his ramen, chewed, but wasn't done when he said, 'I like laundry. It's relaxing.'

'You're insane.'

'I'll do your laundry before trips if you pack my bags for me.'

Yoongi considered this, though not seriously. He leaned forward with his arms on the counter and took in the sight of Jungkook in his homey clothes. He still had a weakness for it.

'Huh. I could put you in all of my favourite outfits for you.'

'You have favourites?'

Apparently Jungkook was intrigued enough to disregard his ramen for a moment. His chopsticks hovered over the plastic bowl, but he didn't reach for more.

'You haven't packed yet?' Yoongi tried to derail him, but Jungkook only grinned with how obvious of a confession it was to not respond at all. He reached his hands out for him and Yoongi slowly came closer to him with a look around the large room. 'Where are the others?'

'You know I put off packing, and everyone else is out. Wait, I think Jin Hyung might be upstairs, but he's on the phone.'

'You think he'll actually end up with her?'

They both knew who Jin was talking to without having to say it. He'd never called home as often as he did these days.

'He said it feels different from before,' Jungkook said. His voice was soft, a reminder of how much of a romantic he could be while Yoongi himself still thought that there was not much to get excited about until Jin actually went home next week. So what if the phone calls were getting longer and their conversations were changing? Seeing each other in person might still not feel like anything other than friendship. Or, alternatively, it might, but then there would be expectations that Jin's busy life couldn't meet. There were still too many open ends for Yoongi to be overly invested.

'Different how? You talked to him about it?' he still asked. Since they were close enough to being home alone, he gave in to Jungkook's invitation and stepped up, right in front of where he had turned around on his chair, and let him rest his forearms on his shoulders. If he spread his legs a bit more, Yoongi could bring himself right between his knees, could slide his hands up his thighs, could make their bodies press closer to each other.

'Just different. He said that because they were friends first, he doesn't have to worry about trust or values or them not getting along.'

Yoongi nodded. Their eyes met, and he knew that they were both thinking the same thing. It was good this way. Being friends first. Not any less complicated, but certainly less exhausting than what Yoongi imagined it would be like getting to know someone new. He remembered how Jungkook had said something similar, something about how he liked things better this way around. Back then, Yoongi had only thought about attraction, but it had been so long, different questions begged to be answered by now.

How much more than attraction was it that made them keep finding each other? What he had with Jungkook wasn't the kind of sneaking around in Daegu that Yoongi was used to, frantic kisses and wandering hands and desperate relief. It was late night conversations and sleeping wrapped up in each other's arms, and more often than not they didn't even kiss because it still felt too monumental. But what use was there in thinking about labels or the future if they hadn't even figured out if being a secret was too much for their conscience to bear?

'How's Jimin-ah feeling about it?'

Yoongi had made sure to keep checking in with Jin the last few days who had reassured him that he and Jimin had figured things out, but he hadn't heard from the other side.

'Fine, I guess.' There was something instantly hesitant, or dreary in his eyes and Yoongi regretted having asked. 'Jimin Hyung... It's who he is. He wants to be in on things, and that won't change even if he's no longer angry.'

All Yoongi could do was nod. Jungkook was right and there was nothing he could say that would make a difference. He didn't want to lie to Jungkook just to make him feel better.

'It's who he is, yeah. But that doesn't mean everyone around him has to cater to it and never keep a secret. It's nothing he can demand of people.'

'No.'

It was Jungkook's only comment and Yoongi knew what was left unsaid. Jungkook would still hate to upset Jimin. He still hated lying, even if it wasn't a malicious or calculated choice. Even if he had every right to keep things to himself. Even Yoongi couldn't pretend as though he didn't understand Jimin's side at all. He, too, would wonder why he'd never been told if things were the other way around.

'Well, at least they made up. Jimin-ah has his opinions, but he's not unreasonable.'

'Yeah. I... Yeah.'

There wasn't much more to say about it. The uncertainty in Yoongi's chest rose up again and he tasted a question on his tongue, inquiring whether Jungkook still wanted this. If he was still willing to risk his friendships. If there was a name for what they were doing. But he couldn't bring himself to ask any of it. He only stood there in silence, meeting Jungkook's gaze and then avoiding it again in favour of dropping it to his thighs.

He felt Jungkook's one arm slide down to his shoulder, felt his fingers play with the tips of his hair, felt them slide along his jaw and press to his chin. When he looked up again, Jungkook's other hand that was still in his neck pulled him in closer, and Yoongi had no willpower at all to stop him.

The last few days didn't matter anymore when their lips touched. Being nearly discovered backstage, Jimin's harsh words on the plane, all thoughts about distance or being reasonable faded from Yoongi's mind. He didn't care. All he wanted was this kiss. After all, he didn't know how much longer he'd be able to steal them. And Jungkook seemed to feel the same way.

They fell into each other so easily by now, and Yoongi felt a flutter of excitement both at the familiarity and the neediness of it. Jungkook was eager, and it soothed something deep inside of Yoongi. It was the reassurance that he had badly needed, and even though he knew a kiss couldn't replace words, he still wanted more of it. He let his lips fall open against Jungkook's, let the moment become more than a soft reconnection, and Jungkook pulled him in closer by his neck in response.

A hand on Jungkook's knee made his legs fall apart wider and Yoongi took a step forward to crowd up against him until the kitchen island pressed into his back and there was no further for him to go. Yoongi let his fingers dance along his spine as far as he could, felt him shudder at the touch, and brought his hand to Jungkook's side while the other remained on his knee. He loved mapping him out like that, being able to touch him this way after years and years of thinking about it. He wanted Jungkook spread out underneath him, wanted to kiss him in all the places he had fantasised and wondered about before.

Yoongi was vaguely aware of how they were alone, but not in private, and he tried his best to keep part of his focus on his surroundings. It was hard to do though when Jungkook's tongue met his and he slid his hand underneath his shirt in his back. What had started as a kiss was no longer just that, Yoongi knew it was risky, but he couldn't stop. He was so weak, so full of longing both for this kind of closeness and for the much more simple pleasure of Jungkook's touch. Maybe it was the years and years of denying himself these kinds of touches, but really, he knew that it was Jungkook in particular who took his breath away so damn quickly and who made Yoongi want to forget where his own body ended and the other began.

Jungkook's fingers burned on his skin, made him arch into the sensation and want to grind his whole body forward in search of friction. The way Jungkook kissed him made him dizzy, delirious with the need for more. He couldn't remember what exactly it was that had made them stop over and over again in the past few months. Each time they kissed, Yoongi only wanted more. He only became weaker in the urgency of it every time it happened.

Their tongues rubbed against each other, slow but deep, and the low sound that left Yoongi's lips should have embarrassed him. He didn't have it in him to even blush though when Jungkook echoed it right away. Hearing it made Yoongi arch his hips forward into nothing. Heat was gathering deep in his guts and it was impossible not to react to the way that Jungkook was taking him apart. He let his hand slide up on Jungkook's knee, first almost accidentally as he fell forward when he arched into him, then more deliberately when he felt Jungkook's focus shift towards the touch.

Their kiss slowed even more as Yoongi's hand wandered higher up. Jungkook was breathing heavily, uneven, and he tensed in anticipation that Yoongi wasn't ready to break. He left his hand where it was, resting on the inside of his thigh, until a low whine kissed his lips. He could feel Jungkook's hips try to move up, no matter how subtle, and a sting of desire nearly burned him up. It drove him crazy to know just how easy it was to rile Jungkook up, that he could take him apart with a few kisses and a hand on his thigh. Sliding his hand further up another inch made Jungkook swallow down a gasp. Yoongi couldn't help but picture it, Jungkook naked on his back, stretched out underneath him, so hard, so desperate, so full of want.

It wasn't the right moment to take things further, not even close to it, and yet Yoongi paired his next kiss with another bit of movement of his hand. He was so close to him, where the fabric of his sweatpants was beginning to bulge. Yoongi was about to brush against the head of his cock, trapped against his thigh. Jungkook was shivering, his breathing was all small gasps and shuddering attempts at holding himself together. The hand that he had on Yoongi's back had tightened so much that Yoongi thought he'd fall forward and against him if he tried any harder to pull him in.

Jungkook had become too distracted to focus on his lips, but Yoongi brushed his own against his mouth, teasing another whine from him. He let his index finger brush against the hot heat of Jungkook's cock, felt him twitch under the suggestion of a touch. Jungkook wasn't breathing anymore. He was waiting, so tense, so needy, so hard. The kisses they traded were soft now, so full of suspense. Yoongi's heart was about to burst out of his chest, his cock throbbed heavily in his jeans. They had waited so long. All he wanted was to touch Jungkook, more than this, to make him fall apart so thoroughly that neither of them ever had to wonder again whether it was all just curiosity that Jungkook felt.

Another brush of the tips of his fingers, another achingly slow kiss. And then the alien sound of footsteps. Yoongi reacted too late because the initial response he felt was anger more than anything else. He was too far from reality to understand what was happening. It was defiance that kept him from moving out of Jungkook's space immediately, pure frustration and denial. Then Jungkook's hands pushed against his chest, he stumbled backwards forcefully, not by choice, and he only really understood that they weren't alone anymore when Namjoon's voice came from too damn close behind him.

'Oh?'

His heart was racing and he couldn't catch his breath. He didn't have enough of a grip on reality to turn around and face Namjoon. Somehow, the terror that spread through his chest felt a lot more intense than it had a few days ago when they had found themselves in exactly this situation. He didn't care much about their physio, although he reasonably should, but Namjoon? Fuck.

'What's going on?'

Jungkook didn't say anything. Of course he didn't. One glance at his terrified, wide eyes was enough for Yoongi to get himself together. He half turned, dimly aware of the bulge in his jeans that was fading quickly, but not quickly enough. Namjoon was over by the door, his face full of expectation for an answer, but Yoongi had trouble recalling what he had said. What was going on? Hadn't he seen?

'Kook-ah's convinced he doesn't need to do laundry before we leave. Please tell him my shirts won't fit.'

When had the lies started to come so easily? Yoongi leaned forward, too close to Jungkook who was entirely frozen, and reached for the tag on his shirt in his neck.

'See?' he asked, trying hard to seem casual. 'If you want your actual size, do laundry.'

Namjoon didn't say anything right away, and Yoongi was too scared to turn around. He only managed to do so when he heard his footsteps again that were moving right past them.

'Ah,' Namjoon said, sounding unconvinced. A heavy weight dropped deep in Yoongi's gut. 'I guess.' He kept walking until he reached the bottom of the stairs, then paused and considered. 'You can tell me to mind my own business, but don't pretend I wasn't interrupting yet another secret conversation.'

A conversation. He really hadn't seen? But Namjoon sounded too beat, too tired for the terror in Yoongi's chest to lift. He finally forced himself to really take him in and noticed the slump of his shoulders, the crease over his brows. Namjoon was angry, frustrated, and potentially not with them. It was what Yoongi clung to in hopes for a distraction, however unfair it was.

'What's wrong?' he asked, feigning interest that would usually come to him naturally.

Namjoon shook his head.

'Nothing. I'm just done with this day.' He took them in again, too full of suspicion. 'You sure you were talking about laundry?'

It was obvious that Namjoon didn't believe them, but at least he really did seem to think that they had only been talking, even if they'd been standing too close for that. It was probably that that made him doubtful, made him assume they were keeping secrets they'd leaned in close for.

'Yeah,' Yoongi forced himself to nod. 'There's no secrets.'

It was probably the most blatant lie Yoongi had ever told, and it tasted like acid on his tongue. In his peripheral vision he saw Jungkook nod when Namjoon's gaze flicked over to him.

'Alright. Sorry I assumed.'

He still wasn't convinced, but he continued to walk now, ready to leave them alone, and Yoongi didn't have it in him to hold him back and set things right. What was there to say? He should press Namjoon on why he was in such a mood, but right now he was too distracted for it. And there was still Jungkook who was being so weirdly quiet, it would only be more suspicious to Namjoon the longer he stayed.

Yoongi watched his back as long as he could as he moved up the stairs, then let out a deep sigh and turned towards Jungkook. He was no longer close enough to touch him and so he took a step forward and placed a hand back on his knee, less intentional this time. When Jungkook didn't protest he moved in a little further and allowed himself to rest his forehead against Jungkook's while neither of them said anything. It felt like now that they were touching, the panic they had both felt for a moment ran through the both of them, and it took a long time for them to breathe normally again and to be able to speak.

'How do you lie to their faces so easily?'

It hurt to have Jungkook say this, but there was no heat in his words. Yoongi drew back and watched him swallow hard. There were no tears threatening to spill this time, but somehow the frozen, pained look on Jungkook's face was worse.

'It's not easy. I hate this as much as you do.'

Yoongi almost expected Jungkook to argue, and maybe he'd be right to. Lying to Namjoon felt awful, but Yoongi was no stranger to it, and he had enough trust in their friendship to know that Namjoon would understand. At least the part that had come before last summer. For Jungkook though, lying to Namjoon of all people had to be high up on the list of the worst things he could ever do to the group. He was naturally so honest, so unfiltered and trusting, that even to Yoongi his lies felt more significant than his own dishonesty.

But Jungkook didn't say anything. Didn't try and dispute it. Yoongi took another deep breath.

'We need to... I guess it's harder than I thought to keep this on the down low.'

It was only the truth, even when he hated to admit it. There was nowhere to go where they could truly be alone other than maybe the Genius Lab, but even there they had nearly been caught before. Of course the kitchen had been a particularly bad choice, but when Yoongi thought about it, there weren't many options that were truly safe. Even their rooms, empty dance halls or backstage areas, the company building—there was always a risk, maybe more so than Yoongi had considered before now.

'What do we need to...?'

Jungkook spoke quietly. He was clearly lost in thought, still processing, and Yoongi couldn't claim that he had known it all before anymore. He might not be a stranger to lies and secrets, but he had never kept something this important from the members, and he hated the constant reminders of it, the threat that seemed to loom over them whatever they did.

'I don't know. Talk about this, I guess. Make a plan. I don't know.'

It sounded reasonable enough despite his faltering, but really, what it came down to were three options that sounded equally wrong. Letting Jungkook go, coming clean, or continuing to hide in plain sight until they would eventually be caught. What was there to talk about if there were no tolerable paths forward?

'I don't know either. I didn't think this far.'

It was what Yoongi had been scared of all along. That Jungkook simply didn't know what he was getting into, and that they would reach a point at which he'd realise and back out. He'd always known it would happen that way. Only Jungkook had reached this point so late that it had allowed Yoongi to build up hope, that it now felt impossible to bear losing him again.

'I didn't either. I thought you'd end it sooner; that we'd never get this far.'

For a second there was surprise on Jungkook's face, but then it faded into a sadness so simple and honest, it broke Yoongi's heart to watch it.

'I don't want to end it. I just also don't want things to be like this.'

'Yeah.'

Their foreheads touched again, and Yoongi placed a soft, lingering kiss onto Jungkook's lips.

'How about...,' he tried, his throat suddenly too tight. 'How about we sleep on it, I find out whatever the hell is going on with Joon-ah, and in Singapore... We talk. Not to end it, but to figure out what's next.'

Not to end it. He hadn't meant to say it, but the sudden fear in Jungkook's eyes had been too much. How had they gotten to this point? How had they each gotten so attached to what was growing between them that it was so impossible to let go of? Yoongi knew he had been there right away, that first night in Paris, maybe even before, but what about Jungkook? How was he still saying he didn't want out?

'Singapore,' Jungkook nodded. It didn't sound happy, but he was trying. 'Alright. I... Hyung.'

Yoongi only hummed in agreement. He had no idea what Jungkook wanted to say, but he knew he'd agree with it. Singapore only seemed to be a bad excuse for more time, just procrastination of the unavoidable. There still wouldn't be any answers to this tomorrow or the day after. And still it felt more doable than talking about it tonight.

'I think I might head to the studio. Clear my head.'

'We have an early flight,' Jungkook reminded him, as if he didn't continuously turn his nights into days.

'I know. I'll only be an hour or two.'

They both knew it was yet another lie. Yoongi had spent too many nights at the studio to not know how he'd get stuck there until the early morning. But there was no chance of sleep anyways.

...

Usually, Yoongi would have gone to check on Namjoon right away, that same night that he had come home on edge, but he was too preoccupied with his own thoughts, as much as he hated to admit it. He fell asleep at the Genius Lab way past midnight, just like he had known he would, and barely made it home in time for the line of cars to roll up in front of the dorm to take them to the airport.

He was paired with Jimin and Hobi who were too cheerful considering how early it was, and considering how Yoongi's world was starting to crumble around him. So he pretended to sleep and leaned his head against the window the way he so often did during early or late night car rides. It was only at the airport that he even saw Namjoon that morning, and he pulled him to the side by the coffee machine in the lounge they had gathered in.

'Sleep well?' he yawned, even though he knew the question would be thrown right back at him and he wasn't in the mood to answer it.

'No. I was on the phone with my sister forever. What about you?'

'Worked on the opening track all night.'

It was easy enough to share this much with Namjoon. He'd understand, after he had kept himself awake too many times at his own studio.

'Was it worth it?'

'I guess.'

It was only a half truth. The time at the studio hadn't been entirely wasted, but he hadn't gotten as much done as he would have had he been able to concentrate. It didn't help that whenever he tried to get Jungkook out of his mind these days and hide himself behind his work, it involved listening to his voice on those guides. He just couldn't escape him, and the worst part of it was that he didn't really want to.

Yoongi grabbed the coffee that Namjoon handed him even though he had gotten there after him, nodded in thanks, and watched as Namjoon placed another cup into the machine and pressed start.

'So what was up yesterday? Family?'

It was rare that Namjoon talked on the phone to his sister, even though they did text quite a bit as far as Yoongi knew. Neither of them was talkative beyond texts and would sooner catch up properly once they saw each other.

'I guess,' Namjoon sighed. 'I had an argument with management about the timing of the upcoming shows. I asked for fewer late night flights because some of us don't handle them well, but it wasn't what they wanted to hear. Then my sister told me about a bunch of stuff that happened at home that no one told me about. She said something about me not being interested which is... Yeah.'

He spilled hot coffee over the tips of his fingers when he reached for the now full cup and cursed.

'Not fair,' Yoongi commented while he handed him a napkin from the table next to the machine. 'We all know you care about what's going on at home, you just can't always be there.'

It wasn't only home that Namjoon cared about. Yoongi didn't want to comment on it, but he had heard the meaning behind what Namjoon had said about some of them not handling overnight flights well. It was only him. It was Yoongi who didn't manage to sleep and who spent the entire next day feeling run over. And Namjoon being aware of it and trying to make the extension of the tour more bearable for him made knowing how much Yoongi was keeping from him sting even more.

'It's like... Everyone wants me to be at the centre of things, everywhere, but it's never good enough. In the end, management doesn't give a shit about what I think, my family doesn't think to tell me things, and I'm putting out fires within the group left and right without being able to prevent them. I don't know. I just had a shitty day.'

It wasn't the first time that Namjoon had vented about the pressure of being a leader, and Yoongi let him continue to do so as they had their coffee on a couple of chairs at the far end of the lounge where the people closest to them were a few Noonas trying to catch another minute of sleep.

Eventually, Namjoon sighed and placed a hand on Yoongi's shoulder.

'I'm sorry I was in a mood yesterday, yeah? I know there's no lies, I just... You and Jungkookie have been weirdly glued together for a while now. I appreciate it, but sometimes I wonder if there's a greater reason for it, and my mind is painting all these images of you getting bad again or Kookie leaning on you for support that I'm somehow not giving him.'

Yoongi took a large sip of coffee to give himself a moment in which he struggled to work through the guilt he felt. Before Jungkook, he had never thought too hard about keeping his sexuality to himself. It hadn't felt like a particularly meaningful secret to keep when it didn't concern the others, but this felt different, even if it had taken a while to sink in and he had needed Jungkook's reaction to realise it himself. This was no longer lying by omission. And it included another member, someone Namjoon felt he had to look after.

'I'm doing good.' More lies, but not in the way that Namjoon thought. 'Really, there's nothing wrong with either of us. Remember how Kook-ah asked me to teach him drinks before the tour, so we've been buying something in every city we hit? That's all. He doesn't need any parenting.'

The small laugh Namjoon let out was both relief and more guilt.

'Probably too late, anyways, if he's been corrupted by you for months.' Namjoon had no way of knowing how his words stung, but Yoongi pushed that away, too. 'Has he said anything more about Jimin-ah and Jin Hyung fighting?'

'They're good. Kook-ah, too.'

Namjoon only nodded. Yoongi had no idea how he did it all. How he kept his eyes on the six of them, how he always knew where he was needed, and beyond. How had he ever thought that him messing around with Jungkook would not be on his radar after a while? So far, he seemed to have no suspicions, but how much longer would that be the case?

Another subject to push from his mind. The three options he had singled out for himself yesterday kept running circles in his head anyways, and he didn't need a reminder of how there was really only one choice to make that would be fair to the other members. It was the choice that made his heart feel the most heavy, to the point where he didn't know how he would ever stick to it if he made it.

No matter how many times he tried to let go of his thoughts that day and mull over mundane things instead, it was impossible. Maybe it was the fact that every time he looked at Jungkook, he seemed to be either just as lost in thought or too messy and loud in an attempt to distract himself. Watching Jungkook's mood shift again and again throughout the day gave him whiplash, and it culminated in more tears right after the show which Jungkook claimed he'd ruined with what he called an abysmal performance.

Jungkook's tears had always come easily, quickly, and Yoongi had never thought much about. He had tried to cheer him up by not reading too much into it if the reason for it was a missed note or a butchered dance move. However, on this tour, he couldn't help but notice that Jungkook cried for larger reasons than that, if only in extension. It was Yoongi who distracted him from rehearsals and performances and so it was Yoongi's fault if he came off stage in tears over the mistakes he had made.

Namjoon's words about him corrupting Jungkook popped right back into his mind as he watched Jungkook kneel on the floor in the green room with Jimin plastered to his back, stroking his hair and smiling at how unreasonable he thought his tears were in light of tonight's performance. Yoongi himself barely remembered anything about it. He had gotten through the night in a haze, on autopilot.

They took their group picture with Jungkook sitting next to him, and Yoongi took that moment to brush his hand over his back, to try and reassure him. But then they were pulled apart again. There were too many cameras around for Yoongi to want to find an excuse to remain in his personal space, so he watched from afar as Hobi began to lecture Jungkook about how he should pace himself and savour his energy. He wasn't wrong, Jungkook had cried about his performance too many nights on this tour, Yoongi thought, but Jungkook didn't need to hear it right now.

With Jungkook in tears and the group gathering around him to share well meant advise, it took a long time for them to pack up. They didn't have another show to play in Singapore and would only spend a night at a hotel before heading home in the morning. Now that Yoongi knew about the kinds of conversations Namjoon had with management, he couldn't help but wonder if the lack of an overnight flight was his doing.

Yoongi left the green room when it became too much to watch the others trying to cheer Jungkook up when they didn't know the half of it. He wasn't full enough of himself to pretend that Jungkook was heartbroken over the dead end the two of them had hit, but he knew that it was part of why he hadn't shown his best on stage and was this easy to bring to tears. It felt wrong to sit there and watch the group pat Jungkook's back and wipe away his tears with good intentions when there was so much they weren't in on. So much that the two of them had decided not to give them a chance to be supportive about.

As there seemed to be no rush to vacate the venue, Yoongi wandered around the backstage hallways a little aimlessly before ending up in the room right next door to the others where he found their props being stored, most notably the large piano that Jin used for only a single song. Next to it were two Noonas that chatted while they packed away the many outfits they had worn tonight. They bowed when they spotted Yoongi, congratulated him on the successful show, and then left the room with a few bags of clothes thrown over their shoulders.

It was instinct that made Yoongi wander towards the piano. These days he hardly played for fun anymore, but only ever found himself at his keyboard with the intention to work on the EP which had become a chore more than anything. Once he'd sat down, he stroked his fingers over the keys and spread them out for a few chords to try out the sound. It was a shame that the piano was so rarely played, as it was beautiful. Maybe he should ask to keep it at the dorm once the tour was over. Jin would probably never touch it again afterwards.

He didn't have to think about what to play, but fell into a soft melody reminiscent of something he'd played as a child, only more embellished now that he could allow it, a little more slowly as opposed to back then when he had thought the only way to impress people with his skills was to let his fingers dance over the keys as quickly as possible. It wasn't originally a sad melody, but he managed to make it one by the way that he played it. Somehow, it felt both nostalgic and agonised.

He'd held himself together all day, all over the last few days and weeks, but now that his fingers touched the keys, he suddenly felt his vision become blurry. He didn't want to cry, he swallowed against the tightness of his throat, but eventually he had to stop playing in order to keep his eyes from welling over. He sat there in silence, his hands still on the keys, the abrupt ending note still sounding in his head.

When had things become so damn complicated? When he had kissed Jungkook in Paris, he'd known it would lead to a tangled mess of emotions, but he'd thought that the worst of it would be having to deal with the heartbreak of having gotten a taste of what things could be like and then having Jungkook ripped away from him again when he'd decide his curiosity was sated or he wasn't interested enough. How had they ended up here instead, half a year later, still talking about this? Still kissing, still needing to be so close to each other, still wanting to explore more? And when had Yoongi started to believe that Jungkook meant it when he had once been so good at deciding that Jungkook would never want to be serious about this?

The keys clanked when he dropped his hands into his lap. He opened his eyes again, took a deep breath, and was glad to realise that his cheeks were still dry. It was only the nostalgia of the piano that had made him feel so overwhelmed for a second. He took it in for another moment, but shook his head when he started to hear another melody in his head, something that fit one of the demos he'd recorded for the EP. There had never been a plan for soft piano notes though, so Yoongi shut down his creative instinct, too. He didn't want the EP to turn into weeping proof of his feelings for Jungkook.

He turned, ready to gather himself and return to the green room, but he froze where he was right away. At this point it should have been no surprise to see Jungkook standing near the door. They always seemed to find each other these days, whether intentionally or not. It probably wasn't a good idea to hide away together backstage when Namjoon was already suspicious, and he might not be the only one, but Yoongi couldn't say anything when Jungkook came towards him.

'It's so different. Your rap and the way you play,' he noted. 'I think it's what makes both so good. When you rap, there's a softness to it no matter how harsh the lyrics are, and when you play, there's always something rough about it, an edge.'

Jungkook didn't ask before he sat down next to Yoongi on the small piano bench, forcing him to make room. He placed his own hands on the keys and played a few chords, but then let the last one linger until there was no more sound. Jungkook was good at many things, he had enough musical knowledge and natural talent to be able to pick up instruments and play basic melodies and chords, but he hadn't had a childhood of dedicated training in only one thing. Instead, he'd danced and sung and rapped and filmed and photographed and drawn.

'There's been too many tears on this tour.' Yoongi looked down at Jungkook's fingers on the silent keys as he spoke. 'You need to learn not to be too hard on yourself. It's good to have ambition, but if you can never be satisfied with what you do, how will all the hard work ever be worth it?'

Jungkook was silent for a while. He played two more minor chords, then dropped his hands into his lap.

'After shows, I feel overwhelmed. It's not always disappointment; that's just easiest to explain. I just feel so much.'

It made sense, Yoongi thought. Sometimes he, too, stood on stage and took in the lights and the way that thousands of voices were carried towards him, and it was impossible to comprehend. For Jungkook who had chosen this path so young, who'd had people looking up to him when he had still been a child, it had to be even more overwhelming.

'You're doing a great job. It doesn't have to be perfect for you to deserve being up on that stage.'

'I know.'

But he didn't. Not really. They each had their own struggles, and for Jungkook it was the high expectations he had of himself.

'I'm sorry if I...,' Yoongi started, then hesitated. 'If you're sad because of me. Us. That's the last thing I ever wanted, but I know it hasn't been as easy as you thought.'

It already felt too arrogant of a thing to say. To assume that somehow he had gotten to Jungkook so much. But Jungkook pressed their shoulders together and didn't argue, didn't laugh. He looked down at the piano and Yoongi could hear and feel him take several deep breaths. There were words on his tongue, but it took a while for them to come out.

'In the beginning I was keeping your secret, not mine. But now... I can't lie to their faces like that.'

It was what Yoongi had expected him to say. He already knew. He wouldn't be in love with Jungkook if it weren't for this loyal, honest side of him that made him at once so fierce, yet breakable.

'And I wouldn't want you to,' he said. 'It's what I've been saying all along. We can't do this without consequences or risks. It's not like it wouldn't be worth it, for me it would be, but I'm glad you're aware of it now. I hate it, but I'm glad.'

Jungkook nodded. Their shoulders and thighs were touching, and Yoongi was grateful for their closeness. It was holding him together when their words would bring so much unwanted distance.

'The thing is,' Jungkook all but whispered, 'I don't want you to say that this is it. I know it would be the smart thing to do, it's the only thing that's fair to the others, but I still don't want to.'

How were they talking about the end when they had never even talked about what it was that they had started? They had never found a word for it, had never said anything about the future to each other. And still they seemed to be on exactly the same page, maybe for the first time ever since Paris.

'I don't want you to say it either. I'm not going to do it myself.'

It was too quiet. Too painful. Yoongi brought his left hand up to the piano once more and played a few individual notes so slowly it hardly sounded like a melody.

'So we're not ending it? Then how are we...'

Yoongi didn't stop playing, not even when he said, 'I think at the very least we need to let some time pass. To stop people from becoming too nosy. Joon-ah already asked why we're together so much. We've been pretty careless.'

'Jimin Hyung asked, too. I told him you're teaching me production.'

It wasn't as blatant a lie as the ones Yoongi had told lately. There had been times in which Jungkook had leaned against him and watched him work for hours on end, asking questions or singing along to the snippets Yoongi would play over and over again.

'Kook-ah...' It was as good a time as any to say this. At some point, Jungkook deserved at least a little bit of honesty, and Yoongi could no longer stand the anxiety that the anticipation of this conversation brought. 'It scares me how much I don't want this to end. And I think maybe that's exactly why we should take a step back.'

He knew by now that he had underestimated Jungkook and his commitment to him, but Jungkook still didn't have two years to look back on during which he had imagined their lives together in so many ways that weren't simply friendly. Yoongi did. He had loved Jungkook for too long to feel casual about this. He loved him too much to be reasonable, to trust himself to keep his distance when it was needed, to be careful and to keep their secret.

'But it's not ending,' was Jungkook's response. 'Right? I'm okay with taking some time, that's probably for the best, but... It scares me too. I know I said I'm curious in the beginning, but you know it's no longer that, right?'

He knew and he didn't. He knew, but he didn't know how to believe it. So he didn't say anything at all in response to it.

'There's been too many close calls. Neither of us knows how this is going to work out right now. We don't have any answers, but we also can't keep going the way we have. So the only thing I can think of is to take a break. See how we feel in a few weeks.'

It was the only loophole he could think of that would be safe for now, but would also not break him. Also, if Jungkook took the time to focus on something else, if spring came and he had managed to move on, then that was all Yoongi needed to know. And if he didn't- If he didn't, then they had to have a larger conversation than this one.

'A few weeks?'

Jungkook sounded so sad, Yoongi almost wanted to take it all back. He wanted to lean into Jungkook, kiss his lips, promise he wouldn't go anywhere, take his hand and tell him about all the years in which he had wanted nothing but this.

'The alternative is to keep lying. To eventually have someone find out.'

Things wouldn't be any different in a few weeks, they couldn't undo their lies, and Yoongi knew it, but it bought them time to think, time to understand whether what they had started was something that would fade back into friendship if only they gave it the chance to.

'I know. I just... I hate it.'

'So do I.'

He stopped playing, finally, but let his fingers rest on the keys until Jungkook's right hand came up, their pinky fingers brushed, and he settled onto a chord that fit the G note Yoongi had his index finger on. Yoongi played another note, Jungkook found the chord to accompany it. Tears burned in his eyes again, but Yoongi willed them away. They weren't ending it. Jungkook wouldn't go anywhere. And if things still felt the way they did right now in spring, then maybe it was time to give it a name. To reconsider who could know, no matter how much it scared Yoongi to think about it.

But what if they didn't? What if Jungkook was upset about it now, next week, but then chose to distract himself by going out with Jimin and Taehyung and came home glowing with someone else's body heat all over him? What if in a few weeks, Jungkook told him that he couldn't remember why things had felt so intense in January?

It was exactly those fears though that convinced Yoongi that a break was the right thing to do. He didn't want to be dependent on Jungkook's affection this way, he didn't want to continue living every day in fear of Jungkook deciding against him. What he needed was time to get a grip on himself, to complete his EP, to focus on something other than Jungkook all day every day. He needed to prove to himself that life would go on even if Jungkook didn't sneak into his bed at night.

'It's not an ending,' he repeated quietly over the slow, easy music they were creating. 'Not if you don't want it to be.'

'We'll still talk? We'll still be close?'

'Yeah. We'll still be the same.'

Only Yoongi would have to go back to agonising over all the things he wanted but couldn't have. Worse even. The last two years he had looked at Jungkook with longing, thinking there would never be more to it. Now, he knew what it felt like to have Jungkook panting against his lips, to rub their bodies together so desperately, to kiss him so deeply and so long that the world was slipping away.

The chord that Jungkook was playing broke when he slid his hand over Yoongi's. Their fingers intertwined to the sound of too many notes being played at once, discordant. Yoongi fought the need to turn, to let their lips brush at least one more time, but it was exactly this kind of risk that they could no longer take. Backstage kisses with open doors and the possibility of too many people walking in was exactly what had gotten them to where they were right now.

So he pressed their shoulders together once more, tightly, brought their intertwined hands up to his lips for a kiss against Jungkook's knuckles, and then scooted away from him just in time when he heard the Noonas' voices return.

Chapter Text

Yoongi had never been more grateful for how busy his life was. He had complained about having to squeeze his recording time into the few days off at the end of January, but when he found himself at the studio day after day while the other members visited home or traveled with friends, he knew it was where he was supposed to be. If there had been time to think, he knew it would have ended up taking him to Jungkook, and it wouldn't have been fair.

Jungkook went on a short trip with Jimin pretty much right after Singapore, and it gave Yoongi the chance to throw himself into recording without any physical distractions. Every now and then, Jungkook's name would pop up on his screen and they would exchange texts that made Yoongi ache with the decision they had made, but he knew it had been the right one for now. Taking a step back forced him to focus on something else as best as he could, and he chose the EP with his whole heart.

The result after a whole week that he spent holed up together with his producers was not what he wanted to release just yet, but it was more than what he had hoped for. Finally, they stopped agonising over the same few notes the way he and Yijeong had done at the cabin and found the general direction of things again. They recorded demos with Yoongi's actual voice which meant that he wasn't forced to work with Jungkook's guides every time he opened a file. So when they entered the Korean new year, Yoongi finally felt somewhat accomplished.

At first he refused to show the demos to anyone at all as he wanted to process how they had turned out on his own, but he finally gave in when Jungkook begged him yet again while they boarded their flight to L.A. He sent him the files right after they found their seats, then got his laptop out to continue working on them the second that the fasten seatbelt signs were turned off. Jungkook was sat in the cluster of seats in front of Yoongi and there was no way of telling his reaction as he had his back to him. So Yoongi tried to forget about what Jungkook was listening to and got to work.

Next to him, Namjoon went over his speech and organisational bits and pieces together with their staff for the Grammy's almost the entire flight. He nodded off every now and then, but returned to the paperwork in his lap every time he jolted awake with a snore. It made Yoongi nervous to watch him, made him feel like he himself should prepare something, but there was nothing to do other than put on his suit tomorrow morning and smile and pretend he wasn't anxious all day.

The Grammy's were a milestone Yoongi could hardly comprehend. Even if they were only there to present, not to receive an award, he couldn't wait to send his parents pictures of the event. It had taken him a long time to feel comfortable sharing important achievements without fearing that their reaction would be disapproving, and it had taken his parents just as long to find the right words to express their pride and acceptance.

Only last night, Yoongi had overheard Jungkook talking to his own family on the phone, yet again, about where he would go and how much it would mean. He had been so excited, sitting on the floor in one of their dance halls with his parents and grandparents on video call. Yoongi couldn't help but envy him for the unfiltered way in which he spoke to them, even when his own relationship to his parents had improved endlessly over the last few years, now that there was some distance between them and he had proved their doubts about his future wrong.

It took Yoongi a moment to realise that Namjoon was holding his phone out for him to see his screen. He blinked away the thoughts of Jungkook, as he so often had to do, and squinted his eyes to read the text Namjoon was showing him.

I heard you're back in L.A.. How about we catch up?

Yoongi didn't recognise the name of the sender and he had to raise an eyebrow in question before he could make sense of it.

'Remember last time we were in L.A.?'

Namjoon gave him a meaningful smirk, and Yoongi immediately did remember. There was nothing wrong with Namjoon finding company in foreign cities, but this one still stung. It was what had made Jungkook so perceptible to the advances that venue girl had made on him, and Yoongi didn't want to be reminded of how the consequences had shaken Jungkook up for days. At the same time, it was also when they had first gotten closer. If it hadn't been for Yoongi walking in on Jungkook grinding up against some girl, maybe the tour would have never turned out the way it had.

Maybe Jungkook should do it again. They were in L.A. after all.

'Are you going to see her?'

Namjoon shrugged.

'Depends on how much time we have, I guess. I'm not opposed.'

Yoongi had to fight against the envy that rose up in him at the sight of Namjoon's easy smile and quick response that he typed out on his phone. If only things had ever been this easy for him. He remembered the way the group had teased Namjoon for seeing their producer last year, how it had been so good natured, so carefree for everyone involved. And here he was, still hung up on Jungkook over a few heated kisses that had been overshadowed by a whole lot of anxious overthinking.

Except of course he knew it was more than that. But he had to shut those thoughts down if he wanted to stand a chance at letting some physical distance grow between them.

They had been as good as they could be over the last two weeks. They had kept busy, had stayed away from each other's rooms at night, hadn't spent time alone with each other, hadn't kissed or hugged or let their texts get out of control. But that didn't mean that Yoongi hadn't wanted to. That their casual touches hadn't lingered, that Yoongi hadn't caught Jungkook studying him from across the room, that he hadn't done the same to him any time he had thought no one would notice.

It hadn't just been an empty phrase when he had said that they weren't ending things. To Yoongi, it didn't even feel close to being over. His connection with Jungkook was so undeniable by now that he felt any thought of him tug on that bond between them, felt it warm up pleasantly any time Jungkook entered the room or shared a thought with him via text or came up to him to show him pictures he had taken or things he'd bought online. Jungkook was with him wherever he went, whether he was actively on his mind or not. It was Jungkook he wanted to tell things, it was Jungkook he wanted go home to and have dinner with, it was Jungkook whom he missed late at night.

It was so much more than what he had thought it would be when he had let himself fall into their curious exploration last year. And now there was no turning back, even when they had put it all on hold and there was no way forward right now, either.

Across the isle from him, Namjoon continued texting with a small smile on his face. Behind him, Yoongi could see Jungkook's dark hair and the grey sleeve of his sweater. He had his headphones on, but that was all Yoongi could make out. Taehyung had leaned himself against his shoulder and Yoongi let himself remember, only for a moment, what it felt like to have Jungkook close like that. He both loved and hated that it was a memory now rather than a fantasy.

But no matter how badly he wanted to erase all space between Jungkook and him, he remained mindful around him, especially whenever there were cameras on them. They had already been informed that their team of videographers would continue to follow them during the expansion of the tour, and Yoongi had come to terms with it. Maybe it was better that way. All that the cameras would capture of the Grammy's was how they were making history.

Their time at the event was as hectic as ever, overwhelming, loud, too much. And yet Yoongi's smile was an honest one. He was excited, buzzing with adrenaline, and for once he didn't feel relief when they were told that they had to make their way to the valet area late at night as the venue began to clear out.

They hadn't been allowed to drink publicly, but after a car ride spent exchanging pictures and impressions of the day, talking all over each other, there was champagne waiting for them at the hotel. They gathered in one of the rooms together with their closest staff and sipped on their glasses knowing that they had to keep it together for the vlive they had scheduled. Even though they were close to sober, it didn't feel like it. Yoongi hated champagne, but he couldn't even be bothered to complain.

They went live, lost control more than they should have, and only became louder once their official schedule was done and they actually started to drink. Their head manager, usually overly professional with her clipboard constantly tucked under her arm, allowed them to go all out on room service, and soon Yoongi was knocking back his favourite whisky with Jin while sitting on the window sill and letting his legs dangle happily.

He watched Jungkook stuff himself with Korean BBQ and then start dancing with his stylist Noona who, despite being older and married and always respectful around him, giggled too loudly and let him swing her around the room elaborately with flushed cheeks. They bumped into other people carelessly, made them dance with them, and became increasingly more excited with every drink that was handed to them.

The last time they had been drinking like this, all of them together, had been on Taehyung's birthday, and it was hard not to think about how that night had ended, even though Yoongi tried. He also tried to pace himself with the whisky, but at the same time he felt that he deserved to celebrate what they had achieved, and their schedule even accounted for a late night. They weren't expected to be anywhere but in their beds until noon the next day.

'The fucking Grammy's!' It was Namjoon who had come over and knocked his glass against Yoongi's, then Jin's. 'Can you imagine how hard we'd regret it right now if we had decided to be done last year?'

He was drunk, the alcohol had done a quick job when it had been paired with the adrenaline of the day, but it wasn't something he wouldn't say while sober.

'Next time we'll be up there for a different reason,' Yoongi smiled.

Many things that Yoongi had dreamed of when he had first come to Seoul had felt out of reach, impossible, and now he was so close to them he could taste it. He didn't often let himself bask in their success the way they did tonight, but now, with Namjoon and Jin beginning to list moments they would have never had had they given up when they had so badly wanted to a year ago, Yoongi closed his eyes for a moment and let it sink in. The Grammy's. They were in L.A., hosting their very own aftershow party for the goddamn Grammy's.

He continued to knock his glass against those of the others until eventually Jin's phone lit up with a call almost at the same time at which Namjoon's buzzed with a text. Yoongi emptied his glass with an exaggerated groan.

'Alright, go ahead and abandon me for love, both of you,' he pretended to wave them off. But Jin didn't even pick up his call even though Yoongi could clearly see his now girlfriend's name on the screen.

'Wait, what, who's texting?' he asked suspiciously, looking at Namjoon. Maybe it had been too obvious from Yoongi's remark that they were both about to leave him for the same reason, but he didn't have it in him to feel guilty. Namjoon hadn't kept his hook up a secret last year, so he probably hadn't planned on doing so this time around.

Namjoon fell into an explanation of what his options for the night were, then complained about how Jin had never shared in detail exactly how lucky he had gotten on his trip home during their off time, which was when Yoongi quietly slipped away. He had already gotten a fairly detailed account of Jin's date that hadn't felt like friendship at all and had ended in her bedroom. He had also heard all about Namjoon's inclination about how to end the night. If he heard it again, he would only end up thinking about things he didn't want to think about. Ways in which his own night could end.

So he left them in search of another drink, or maybe the bathroom, he decided, only he never got there. It was Jimin who threw his arms around him, pulled him in close in his drunkenly affectionate way, and said right by his ear, 'I'm so proud of you, Hyung. I'm proud of all of us, but most of all of you.'

Sober, Yoongi might have waved him off, might have pushed him away, if gently, but somehow he felt surprisingly needy for the arms wrapped tightly around him and the body pressed up against his own. Jimin had always been careless about physical boundaries, and Yoongi hadn't realised how much he had begun to lean towards the other extreme until he'd gotten a taste of that closeness with Jungkook over the winter.

Everything made him think of Jungkook. Every single thing.

'You're amazing, Jimin-ah,' he said, redirecting his thoughts once again. But then, 'I know why Jungkookie chose you.'

He felt Jimin's giggling against the skin of his neck, but it failed to make him shudder the way it would have done with someone else.

'But he didn't have a choice with me. I decided he was mine when I first saw him as a trainee. With you he did. He chose you so hard, Hyung, you don't know how he talks about you. You're so good for him, I swear.'

They had all been drinking. Jimin's voice was slightly slurred, and still it sounded so honest, it made Yoongi want to go and find different arms to fall into.

'You don't know what you're talking about,' he mumbled.

Jimin still didn't let go of him.

'I do, though. It's Suga Hyung this and Suga Hyung that. He adores you.'

Only he never called him Suga to his face. In the best moments, he dropped the honorifics. It was Yoongi and nothing else. And Yoongi ached for those moments.

'Will you go out tonight? With him?'

'I don't think so.' Finally, Jimin drew back. 'Taehyungie talked about it, but we're all too drunk. There's no point. Too risky, anyways.'

He was right. No one cared about what they did in their hotel rooms once the cameras were turned off, but to run around L.A. when none of them would be able to hide just how much fun they'd had wasn't the headline they wanted to see after the Grammy's. To prove Jimin's point, loud clatter announced the breaking of glass behind them followed by Namjoon's apologetic voice, too rowdy, too messy.

'No way is he getting laid tonight,' Yoongi muttered as he looked over at where Namjoon had to be restrained by two Noonas to prevent him from bending down to pick up the glass with his bare hands.

'Ooh,' Jimin made, 'I was thinking that might be a thing. You know, Taehyungie also has his eyes on a producer. Wait, no, I think she's in marketing. That's what he said.'

'Will you all stop dating staff? It's creepy.'

'Tell Taehyungie! Besides, they're not dating. Nothing's even happened, I'm just gossiping.'

'It's what you're good at.' Yoongi leaned in to ruffle Jimin's hair and make him laugh too gleefully. 'If we're ever the only ones left behind, will you promise we'll stick it out together?'

It was stupid to talk this way to Jimin of all people, Jimin who always heard too much and read between the lines, but the words were out before Yoongi could help it. Everything about tonight made him feel lonely. The fact that Namjoon was luckier than him, the fact that Jin would soon leave the room to take his call because there was someone there who wanted to hear all about the day he'd had, and the fact that the only person Yoongi wanted to really share tonight's excitement and pride with was right over by the tall wall of windows and yet so far away.

'Oh, but we're not the only ones! Taehyungie's attracted to every person to ever exist, he moves on before he even says hello. And Jungkookie said he's over girls ever since last year's disaster.'

Jungkook was leaning against the window sill Yoongi had just come from, close to Namjoon because it was where he liked to be, but talking to a group of Noonas and managers.

'That's what he said?'

'Well, yeah, all the way back in November. I'm starting to think he wasn't joking.'

Back in November. When he and Jungkook had been nothing more than a single kiss and weeks of dancing around each other. Maybe Jungkook had really made the decision to stay away from girls back when he had gotten in trouble with management last year, maybe Yoongi had nothing to do with it, but then, if being careful were Jungkook's primary concern, hadn't Yoongi been the worst choice he could have made?

'But if we do end up being the only ones left behind,' Jimin continued while he threw his arms back around Yoongi's neck, 'Then I won't leave you. Never.'

'That's why you're the best, Park Jimin,' Yoongi said exaggeratedly, once more shaking off his thoughts. 'Promise you won't leave Kook-ah behind, either, yeah? Whatever shit he might do some day, whatever mistakes he might make, you need to be with him. Okay?'

'Always, yeah.' Jimin's answer came quickly, easily, but there was a hint of confusion in his voice now, a hint of suspicion. Maybe he wasn't as drunk as Yoongi had originally thought. The more they talked, the more sobering Yoongi's thoughts became, too, and so he steered Jimin towards the table where bottles of alcohol had been lined up behind the many food containers they had dug into earlier.

A few drinks with Jimin later, a few more with Hobi who barged into the carelessly unlocked bathroom while he finally used it, and it became both easier and harder to rid himself of all thoughts. Jungkook seemed to become steadily more beautiful, more endearing, but at the same time Yoongi's thoughts seemed to slip away from him as if they were liquid. He was dancing, or maybe he was just swaying, then there was Namjoon announcing his departure, their head manager right on his heels with a suddenly sober look on her face, and a bunch of Noonas saying good night.

Jin left to finally take his phone call, Jimin found Taehyung and drew the remaining staff members into a Korean drinking game. Hobi had long since passed out on the large bed, spread out right in the middle of it. There were hands tearing at the back of his shirt, but Yoongi shook them off, knowing it was Taehyung begging him to come and play.

'I had too much,' Yoongi muttered, his head already too fuzzy. 'I'm gonna lay down.'

He felt right on the edge of something he couldn't name. One more drink and he'd fall right over into something that would no longer be pleasant. He had always known when to stop, even when his reasons for drinking hadn't been as pretty as a celebratory party. Taehyung was good enough not to push him, but kissed his cheek good night and let him stagger over to the door. Yoongi turned, waved into the general direction of the group that was gathering to play, and of course he met Jungkook's gaze.

It was only a moment, and still he knew that their night would end together the moment they looked at each other. He knew that he was inviting Jungkook in with how he let his gaze drag over him, but he didn't care. When Jungkook knocked back his drink and made his way towards the door with a loud yawn, Yoongi didn't protest, but merely held the door open for him.

They didn't talk as they walked down the hallway together towards Yoongi's room. It was always his, never Jungkook's. Somehow, they had established a routine without meaning to. Jungkook crashing in someone else's hotel room was so much less suspicious than Yoongi doing the same. If they ever had to explain themselves, no one would bat an eye at being told that Jungkook had fallen asleep somewhere else.

'If you come in, you can't be the way you get when you're drunk.'

They were already too close when Yoongi decided to finally speak, though he embarrassingly stumbled over his words a little. Jungkook was right behind him as he struggled with his key card, breathing him in by his neck.

'What way?'

'Horny.'

Behind him, Jungkook laughed so softly, so endearingly, Yoongi all but fell apart at the sound. At the same time, Jungkook's hand came up to rest on Yoongi's hip.

'Oh? I can't?'

'No,' he shook his head. 'Come in to talk and sober up, yeah? I miss you.'

'Yeah,' Jungkook sighed. His nose actually brushed against Yoongi's skin, giving him goosebumps. As the door opened, Yoongi stumbled forward to bring space between them that he didn't want.

'But I am, Hyung,' he heard Jungkook say belatedly behind him. His insides pulled together tightly at his words, only he then added, 'Drunk. I am drunk.'

'You think I don't know? I watched you try and keep up with the Noonas. Bad idea.'

'And I watched you rub up against Jimin Hyung. I almost thought you'd take him here.'

Yoongi could only laugh at that.

'Jimin-ah? Really?'

'Is it bad that it would be a little hot?'

Again, Yoongi laughed. He loved when Jungkook became like this. Comfortable enough to say whatever he wanted to say, especially when their conversations around anything sexual had been limited in the past and it still felt rather new and thrilling. It wasn't that he often seemed to hold back his thoughts in general, but Yoongi was only just getting to know this side of him. The side he would have never known as his friend. And he loved how Jungkook trusted him enough to let him explore it without holding back.

He managed to get the light on and kicked off his slippers. Then he went straight into the bathroom, turned on the tap, and splashed cold water into his face. He wanted Jungkook here with him, more than he wanted to admit, but he didn't want another drunken make out session that maybe they wouldn't know how to stop this time, and that he'd agonise over afterwards. There had to be a way to be with Jungkook without having to worry about it afterwards, and it was what he wanted right now. A night with him that he wouldn't have to overthink.

And Jungkook seemed to either understand, or agree, or maybe just to tolerate his decision. He followed Yoongi into the bathroom where he drank water from the tap and then began to inspect Yoongi's perfume. He smelled the diffuser part of it, then discovered a facial creme Yoongi had recently been given by one of the stylists. Before he could smell it, too, Yoongi hit the light switch to leave him in the dark. He tugged at his sleeve to make them return to the main room where he went to close the curtains and take off the bow tie that was somehow still around his neck.

Jungkook had already taken his own off earlier, along with his suit jacket, and was now left in a tailored white shirt that was dangerous to look at for too long. Especially when Jungkook, watching him in return, loosened another button by his chest and then started the same attempt at his wrist. He gave up after only a few seconds and came over to hold his left arm out to Yoongi.

They were silent as Yoongi undid the cuffs for him one by one, first his left sleeve, then the other. It wasn't the alcohol that made him imagine how he would continue, imagine what Jungkook would look like in his lap, half undressed like this, his white shirt hanging off his shoulders.

They really were not a single bit better off now than they had been in January. They were still lying, technically, still hiding away from the others, still wanting. At least Yoongi was. All that had changed was that he was denying himself every instinct to reach out for Jungkook properly. They had lowered the risk, that was all.

But right now, Yoongi didn't want to talk about it. They still didn't have a solution, so what was there to say? It was enough to know that Jungkook still wanted to be here, in his room, that he still looked at him the way he did. That he seemed a little breathless after Yoongi ran the tips of his fingers over the inside of his right wrist.

When he took a step forward, Yoongi let him. There were worlds between how Jimin had hugged him earlier and this. Jungkook's arms around him felt softer, yet stronger. Less playful. There was something so careful in the way that he held him close, something that made Yoongi wonder if Jungkook was worried he'd be pushed off, but at the same time there was so much strength in his body, so much comfort and surety.

Yoongi made sure to draw him in closer, to wash away any hesitation Jungkook might feel. Hadn't they agreed it wasn't over? Wasn't all of this torture supposed to be not an actual end, but a break? They could still hug. They could still be close like this, even if Yoongi knew it would hurt in the morning when they'd be back to having to keep a careful distance between them for the sake of safety. Even if they were a little drunk and Yoongi had probably been projecting when he had called Jungkook out on being a horny drunk.

Slowly, Jungkook's hands ran down his back. By his hips, he spread his fingers. His hands were large enough to let his thumbs caress his sides while his palms covered his entire lower back. Yoongi couldn't keep his thoughts from reversing the image he'd just created, from picturing himself on top of Jungkook instead, being held like this, an ache in his spread thighs, Jungkook's hands controlling his hips. He buried his face in Jungkook's neck to hide the shaky sigh that slipped past his lips.

He felt the same kind of anticipation, or longing, in the way that Jungkook echoed his soft gasp, in the tension in his shoulder blades and chest. At some point, Yoongi would have to stop telling himself that Jungkook wasn't interested. That he was unsure. Uncommitted. Because here he was, his breathing a little shaky as Yoongi caressed his back. It had been half a year and he was still here. Even through his fuzzy, drunk thoughts Yoongi knew that it meant something, although he wasn't ready to ask him what it was.

'Your recordings,' Jungkook said right by his ear. His breath brushed against his skin and made Yoongi shiver. 'They're amazing. I didn't know you'd make so many changes from the guides. I listened to them the whole flight.'

'Yeah? You like them?' Jungkook hummed. Yoongi could feel the vibrations of it in his throat, against his body. 'I kind of miss your voice.'

There were hundreds of songs he could listen to if he missed Jungkook's vocals, a thousand more scrapped attempts and messy guides hidden in the depths of his hard drives, but it was always different when the words that Jungkook was singing were ones that Yoongi had written. Jungkook wrapping his EP in his very own style, painting Yoongi's most personal thoughts with his own colour, just did something to Yoongi. So did the rap parts, the parts that weren't soft and sweet the way that Bangtan often required him to sing. And the soft giggles or hums in the beginnings and endings of the guides they had recorded last year in a hotel just like this one.

'Don't say that. It's good that it's you now. It's so hot, your rap, I…'

Jungkook's voice was still low, naturally deeper that way, his lips brushed against Yoongi's ear, and Yoongi had to push at his chest for safety. He could feel his guts tighten, felt desire rise up deep inside of him and make him feel heavy.

'There were rules about you being here.'

But Jungkook only gave him the most handsome of smirks.

'It's not a drunk thing. I've always thought your rap was hot. I just never would have told you in a serious way.'

Their eyes met for a moment in which the honesty of their still somewhat playful conversation became too heavy, then they both smiled. Yoongi turned because he had to, and bent down to inspect the mini fridge he hadn't touched so far. There was more alcohol, a few chocolate bars, and two bottles of water. He took out the water, then threw a Mars bar at Jungkook's chest which he clutched at delightedly.

'Let's play twenty-one questions, Hyung,' Jungkook decided, took a bottle from Yoongi, and turned towards the bed. Yoongi eyed him sceptically. Sceptically enough that Jungkook let out another laugh and added, 'You don't trust me?'

'I don't trust myself.'

Jungkook was on his bed, his shirt half unbuttoned, his pants perfectly tight, his hair messy, his lips now wrapped around the chocolate bar, his forehead creased the way it became whenever he enjoyed a taste. Jungkook was here, giggling, happy, playful. Drunk and a little horny. It was exactly how Yoongi had lost his composure too many times before. And he looked at him with so much undeserved awe in his eyes, so much adoration and, now that he had said what he had said, intrigue.

'Would it be so bad? You think they'd somehow know that we didn't just hang out?'

Yoongi swallowed, felt his jaw set.

'You want that to be your first question? You want us to talk about this now?'

He was avoiding an answer. Of course there'd be no way of telling, and of course they were being stupid by holding back, maybe needlessly. But what would happen tonight would happen again and again, Yoongi knew it would, and then they'd be right back where they had been two weeks ago.

'Maybe not,' Jungkook decided with a sigh. 'I'll ask you something else. Like do you still talk to any of the guys in Daegu sometimes?'

'No.'

When their eyes met once more, Yoongi finally made his way over to the bed to join Jungkook. He didn't actually want to avoid him. He wanted him close, even if he still thought that they shouldn't lose themselves in each other.

'My turn,' he started even if Jungkook looked at him with a pout for the short answer he had given. 'You really told Jimin-ah you're no longer interested in girls because of your sound tech affair?'

Jungkook shrugged, had more chocolate, then said, 'It's as good a reason as any to get him off my back about dating.'

'So you're really not interested?'

'My turn. But no.'

It was an answer as short as the one Yoongi had given, so he couldn't push it. Instead he asked, 'You're not going to see her here in L.A.?'

Jungkook rolled his eyes at him.

'I don't even have her number. I never talked to her after. Are you jealous of her?'

He said it with a giggle, another joyful, drunken sound. He was so damn beautiful. So damn perfect. Yoongi had no idea when exactly he had gone from keeping Jungkook as his most guarded secret to wanting to have him to himself so badly that he sometimes thought he wanted to shout it out into the world if that meant he could have him. How much longer would he be able to pretend they were letting things cool down when really the time and space they were taking did nothing of the sort?

'Should I be jealous? She didn't get more than I did, right?'

Jungkook's smile turned sensual, as if he was remembering, and Yoongi felt his whole body reacting to it. Every single part of him wanted Jungkook, and whatever Jungkook did, he was weak for it.

'You know I've been involved with you twice as long now as I was with Hana Noona, right? Let's not even speak of the others. I've never been with someone for this long, whatever this is.'

Whatever this was. Yoongi thought he knew what word he wanted, how he wanted them to be, but how could he ask for it without agreeing to tell the others?

'Here's a question,' he said quietly. They weren't really playing, they weren't drinking, they weren't keeping track, but Yoongi didn't care. 'Are you still in this? With me?'

'Yes.'

Jungkook's response came so quickly, it made Yoongi feel warm all over.

'Here's a question. Are you hoping I'll somehow lose interest? Because I don't think I will.'

Suddenly, Jungkook looked too sober. And finally, he seemed nervous. Yoongi was so often struck by how confident and self-assured he seemed, especially when he wasn't always that in general, but he knew that underneath it all Jungkook worried just as much as he did. And somehow, even though it shouldn't, it helped. It made Yoongi want to stop playing and stop pretending, and be as honest as he could be with Jungkook. Because he deserved it.

'I'll give you one truth instead of more answers.'

Jungkook nodded. He was sitting cross legged in front of Yoongi, looking somewhat young, sweet, eager, when Yoongi knew that he wasn't always that way. He could be the exact opposite of all of those things, and the ambiguity was what he loved most about him.

'Kook-ah, I've wanted to kiss you before Paris. I'm not hoping you'll lose interest, I'm waiting for it, because this is too good to be true.'

A part of Yoongi expected the response to be for Jungkook to lean in, to erase all space between them, and answer him with his body rather than his words, because sometimes that seemed to come easier to him. But Jungkook stayed where he was, his eyes beautifully wide, his lips opening and closing once. Yoongi's heart was racing in his chest, was pounding too loudly, but he didn't regret his confession.

'I thought maybe I was too much.' Jungkook's voice was merely more than a whisper, but in the quiet around them it was enough. He seemed somewhat amazed by what Yoongi had said, puzzled. 'That you only wanted to mess around, but instead what you got was me questioning my sexuality and wanting you so damn much.'

It was Yoongi now who leaned in, not for a kiss, but at least to make their knees touch and to be close enough to be able to brush his knuckles against Jungkook's jaw, then down to his neck.

'No,' he shook his head. 'No, you're perfect this way. You don't have to hold back around me.'

Again, Jungkook opened his mouth to say something that took a moment to come out.

'How long before Paris, Hyung?'

He was frowning a little now, catching on to what Yoongi had really said.

'Does it matter? That was the truth you got and now we're done playing.'

'But I wanted you before Paris, too. The weeks before that, I think I already knew. After Amsterdam maybe. When you told me you'd been with guys, I started imagining it.'

Weeks. If only Yoongi could claim that it had been merely weeks for him, too. He didn't know how Jungkook would react if he told him that he hadn't been able to look away from him in years. Certainly it would make their conversation too heavy, would change things for Jungkook when it came to deciding how to move forward. It would seem to him as if he were making a decision not only for the time being, but for forever, and Yoongi didn't want to put that kind of pressure on him.

'Have some water,' he said, intent on changing the subject, but then he couldn't. He didn't want to treat Jungkook's confessions with disregard, and he didn't want to repeat his mistakes from last year when he had made him think he didn't want to hear his side of the story. 'You think you'll want to do it all one day? With a guy? Is that something you're imagining?'

Jungkook had obeyed and taken a sip of water, and he looked at Yoongi with full cheeks when the question came and made him pause for a moment before he swallowed.

'Not just a guy, no. I wouldn't even know where to start. But with you, it all feels so easy. I trust you. There's nothing I wouldn't want to try.'

Easy was just about the last word Yoongi would use to describe his situation with Jungkook, but when he narrowed it down to the two of them in bed, pressed up against each other, he thought he knew what Jungkook meant. He hadn't felt that at ease with anyone else before. It was Jungkook. And apparently, Jungkook was ready for so much more than Yoongi had ever thought they'd do together. It made Yoongi's skin tingle to think about it, so he pushed the thought away for later.

'There's not many guys I've gone all the way with,' Yoongi told him. Because he could, and because he'd kept his experiences to himself for so long. Because Jungkook was watching porn as his only reference. 'It doesn't usually happen just like that. At least not for me. Not behind clubs or something. But... it can be so good. Maybe you'll know one day.'

He only allowed himself a quick glance at Jungkook as he spoke, but otherwise kept his gaze focused on their knees. Jungkook was hanging on to his words as if he were Namjoon. His eyes were a little darker than before. His cheeks were flushed not only from drinking. Whether he'd understood what Yoongi had meant to say, Yoongi didn't know.

'Have you tried it both ways?'

It was Yoongi who had started it, but he instantly regretted it when he heard how low Jungkook's voice was again. Jungkook talking about sex wasn't something his brain could process without wanting it. Without remembering.

'I have.'

'But you didn't like bottoming much. You said it's just good.'

Yoongi dared to look up at him again. There was genuine curiosity on his face, not just that lingering want that Yoongi himself had to constantly shove away. He laughed a little at how Jungkook had read between the lines so well.

'I did like it. It just wasn't this great revelation the way it apparently sometimes is for others. But also... the guy I tried it with, I didn't know him well. It was a little rushed, even when it was at least more serious than a hook up after a show. It could have probably been better in many ways.'

'Would you try it again?'

It was obvious what Jungkook was asking. What he was thinking about.

'Yeah. Probably.'

He watched Jungkook swallow. Watched him shift a little on the mattress.

'But also... You like being on top?'

'Yeah. More, I think. For now.'

Jungkook nodded, still thinking. His cheeks were still flushed. He took another sip of water, then gulped down half the bottle on second thought.

How was it that they were talking this way when they hadn't even done anything other than trading heated kisses and grinding up against each other too frantically? When they had already decided nothing else would happen for now? How were they here, both of them thinking about what it would be like, both of them probably a little hard. Yoongi at least wasn't able to ignore the throbbing in his lower body, and Jungkook had placed a hand over his crotch a little too strategically.

If Jungkook leaned in now, Yoongi thought, he'd let him. He'd give him whatever he wanted.

But he didn't. They sat in silence for a while as they finished their water and continued to wait for their heads to clear and the rush of the party to fade. For them to grow tired, Yoongi guessed. He could already feel the exhaustion of the day creeping up on him.

'Are you staying?' he asked.

'If I can take a shower?'

Yoongi nodded. Last time they had shared a room, Jungkook had suggested that they'd wash up together, but he didn't say anything of the sort tonight, and Yoongi was strangely glad for it. He didn't know how much longer he could be reasonable. So he took the first shower by right of him being older, he claimed, and then snuck into bed while listening to the water running.

His composure almost crumbled entirely when Jungkook came out of the bathroom with only a towel wrapped around his waist. His skin was glistening, his hair was messy, the knot around the towel dangerously loose. Yoongi didn't bother to hide the groan he let out as he threw an arm over his face. He heard Jungkook laugh too sweetly, then say, 'I need to borrow underwear.'

'Whatever.'

Yoongi waved towards his suitcase, but kept his eyes closed until Jungkook was done rummaging around the room.

'It's not true that your clothes don't fit me,' Jungkook mumbled as he climbed into bed with him. He sounded tired by now, and Yoongi felt the same, despite the lingering current of longing that ran through his veins.

'You look good in your own clothes.'

Yoongi didn't want to imagine it for too long. Jungkook wearing his shirts. Like a boyfriend would.

Jungkook had laid down close to him, but wasn't touching him. He seemed a little uncertain and kept shuffling around to get comfortable on his pillow. Eventually, Yoongi sighed and gave up. He moved to wrap his body around Jungkook from behind, an arm around him, his face buried in his neck, a leg thrown over his. It wasn't technically forbidden. Jungkook probably slept that way with Jimin all the time. And he immediately calmed down in Yoongi's arms.

...

It had taken years for Yoongi to be believed when he said that he genuinely didn't care much for his birthday. All of their birthdays had lost significance over the years, once they had become less about celebrating together and more about acknowledging the public, going live, posting thank you messages, and dutifully sharing childhood photos online. Usually, they had a schedule anyways. So Yoongi wasn't upset to sleep into the day he'd technically turn twenty-six, at least in most parts of the world. And he didn't expect anyone to show up around midnight to congratulate him the way they had done it back when they had all shared a single room and there had always been someone who had still been awake and could notify the others.

His best gift was to be allowed to fall asleep and wake up in his own bed. As a group they had spent the four weeks since the Grammy's working constantly, and the last few days had been almost exclusively spent on set of a music video shoot. Yoongi had slept backstage, in the little trailer that had been prepared for them, had nodded off whenever they'd had a minute to recharge, but the time spent in his own bed had been as short as it had only ever been during his debut days.

He had told everyone that he was looking forward to a good night's sleep that would make him happier than any present they could give him, and yet he was still awake when the date on his phone changed from March 8 to March 9. It was dark in his room, he was ready for sleep, but the constant adrenaline of the last few days was hard to shake off. He felt caught in some kind of limbo between being awake and falling asleep, exhausted and yet unable to let his brain shut down for a bit.

He'd grabbed his phone for some music, some white noise, when he'd seen it had been two minutes to midnight. Now that the date had changed, a message was coming through and no matter how tired he was, Yoongi tapped his thumb to it.

He suspected Jimin, or maybe Hobi, but instead he saw his mother's name on the screen, wishing him a happy birthday in a heartfelt message followed by greetings from his dad. He smiled as he typed his thanks. After all the heartache he'd gone through as a teenager, and that he had put them through in return, he was glad to have his family stay up for him now only to make sure that he knew they were thinking of him.

I was thinking of coming home next week, he found himself typing. Just for a day or two.

It was true that he'd toyed with the idea, but this was when he decided. He missed his family, even when he had never expected that to be true when he had left Daegu all those years ago. Of course he loved them, had loved them even then, but he had been glad for the distance. It had been good for both sides. Yoongi only went home once a year at most while the other members tried to go more often. Their families came to Seoul more regularly, too, if only ever for a short time. But Yoongi was still keeping his distance.

He let his eyes fall close again as he waited for a response. Maybe he'd ask their physio for a massage later. His shoulder was already feeling tight again after the countless takes they'd shot for the music video earlier. He yawned into his pillow as he rolled his shoulder against the hint of pain and stretched out his sore muscles a bit more. It would feel better in the morning if only he were able to fall asleep.

On screen, messages were piling up when he refocused on his phone lazily. He looked for his mum, found her joyful response, and reacted to it with a thumbs up. Then he scrolled through a few well wishes from other artists, producers, friends, that overwhelmed him a little. He'd never messaged anyone right at midnight. Who cared about the time? But the group chat with the members was already active, too.

It was Jin who had sent him a message, and Jimin was typing. Yoongi rolled his eyes and locked his phone once more. He appreciated being thought of, but no one would expect him to reply right away. It was late, he had announced he'd go to bed about an hour ago to a chorus of complaints. Taehyung had already promised him a birthday toast during breakfast that they would only have at yet another set, this time for a photo shoot.

Jungkook hadn't said anything yet, neither in the group chat nor in their personal one. They'd continued to dance around each other since the Grammy's, but since they were putting more physical distance between them, Jungkook had started to text him more often than before. It was little messages here and there, pictures, memes that Yoongi was too old for, links to restaurants Jungkook wanted to be taken to. It was his way of making up for all the time that they could have spent together but didn't. And Yoongi responded dutifully even when it only made him miss the real Jungkook.

He saw him every day of course, but not like that. Not like he wanted to. It had been six long weeks since they had last kissed, and Yoongi was beginning to wonder how much longer they should just waste time and wait for their situation to magically change when it was becoming more and more obvious that it wouldn't. Yoongi had never harboured any hope that his own feelings would lessen with time, but there had been a part of him that had been prepared to return to the reality in which Jungkook saw nothing more than a friend in him.

It didn't feel like that though, no matter how difficult it still was to process and name. Every time their eyes locked across backstage areas, studio halls, recording booths, photo shoot sets, or dance halls, something tugged at Yoongi like a magnet. And it wasn't just him. He couldn't deny it. Sometimes Jungkook actually moved towards him, as if a single step might be enough. Sometimes he smiled, sometimes he did come over, whenever there were no cameras around and no one would question them, sometimes he gave Yoongi a look that made heat run up his spine, and sometimes he seemed sad, frustrated, tired. It was all the things that Yoongi felt, too.

Every night, without fail, Yoongi fell asleep thinking of Jungkook. Sometimes it was just a dull ache that he couldn't even place until suddenly he could, sometimes it was a message Jungkook had sent him right before falling asleep that made him smile, sometimes it was bad enough that he had to keep himself from getting up and crossing the hallway. And sometimes it was just heat and desire and memories that made it hard to fall asleep before he got some release.

Even after all they'd done with each other, Yoongi still felt ashamed of how often he lost control like that. Even after Jungkook had told him that he didn't care. That he had similar thoughts. It only made things worse to know that.

Yoongi forced himself to keep his eyes shut and not reach for his phone again. It was late, and even if Jungkook had sent him a happy birthday message, he could look at it tomorrow. He'd planned on getting at least seven hours of sleep for once. And yet here he was, unable to control how his thoughts were drifting towards Jungkook once again. He was getting so tired of it, not matter how good the memories of him were.

What finally made him fall asleep was the subconscious waiting for a sign of Jungkook. He didn't care about his birthday, but he did care about Jungkook, and turning twenty-six was a reason for him to pay attention to Yoongi. Without really admitting it to himself, he kept focusing on the occasional sounds coming from the hallway, was waiting for a soft knock on his door that never came.

Yet, when he awoke again, he instantly knew that he wasn't alone. He'd dreamed something, or maybe he'd just sensed the presence of somebody else climbing into bed with him. Whether it was dream Jungkook or real Jungkook that had caused it, Yoongi was overly aware of the tension in his own body, of the throbbing of his cock, hard against the mattress. He was on his front, creating so much friction he almost ground his hips into it instinctively. Embarrassingly enough he wasn't a stranger to the feeling of instant longing that he felt as soon as he woke.

Jungkook was close to him, but not close enough to really have made Yoongi's body react this way. His fingers were dancing over his side, his bad shoulder. It was probably what had woken him.

'Hyung,' he whispered, and a shudder went through Yoongi at that alone. Of course Jungkook would show up on a night like this. 'Happy birthday.'

It was only now that Yoongi remembered. He had waited for him earlier. It wasn't that much of a surprise that he was here now. Still he only hummed in acknowledgement.

'The others are all asleep,' Jungkook told him in another whisper. 'Is it okay that I'm here?'

Of course it was. It would always be okay, even if Yoongi had probably had a really good dream that Jungkook had interrupted. With a sigh, he rolled onto his side, facing Jungkook.

'What time is it?' he asked instead of answering Jungkook's redundant question.

'Early. Like 5AM.'

He'd gotten a few hours of sleep then, but he wasn't too sure about Jungkook. He didn't seem tired. Had he waited all night for the others to return to their rooms, and then some more to convince himself it was safe to come over? Now that Yoongi was awake and could protest if he wanted to, he lifted his blanket and crawled underneath it. Yoongi let him. His body heat was overwhelming in the best way, his presence too familiar by now.

It was still dark in his room, but Yoongi was able to make out the white shirt that Jungkook was wearing for sleep. He could feel his bare legs, knew that he was only in briefs otherwise. Jungkook was warm, soft. He smelled like laundry and soap and everything Yoongi was constantly missing. It was instinct that made Yoongi wrap his arm around his middle now that they were facing each other, now that Jungkook was so close. He wanted to hold him even closer now that he finally could again.

'Hyung,' Jungkook all but sighed. His breath brushed softly over Yoongi's lips. He brought a hand up to Yoongi's neck, let his thumb trace over his jaw, then again, only this time he ran it over his lower lip, too. Yoongi knew what was happening, and he was too weak to stop it. He didn't say anything to keep Jungkook from doing what he was doing. He didn't draw back when Jungkook leaned in and pressed their lips together.

It had been so, so long. Everyone else was asleep, and even if they weren't, even if they happened to wander into Yoongi's room, he couldn't bring himself to care right now. Jungkook was here, he was kissing him, and it was all Yoongi wanted to think about. Even if he had wanted to, it was impossible to focus on anything but this. Jungkook's lips, hot against his own, eager, determined, as if they, too, were tired of waiting. Jungkook's hand running from his neck down his back and up again, mapping him out. The feeling of Jungkook's body under his own touch, his chest, his belly, his side, his hip.

Maybe it was because Yoongi had already woken up on edge, but he immediately felt himself being dragged right back there. He'd expected a soft kiss, a gift, already more than he would have ever asked for, but instead he felt himself burning under Jungkook's eagerness. They'd kissed like this often enough now for Yoongi to not have to think much about how perfectly their mouths fit, how good Jungkook always tasted, how he kissed with his whole body. There was room for more now, for him to let his mind wander, to think of how much more he wanted from him. And Jungkook seemed to agree.

The next time his hand ran down his back he brought it down further, over the fabric of his briefs, the swell of his ass. Yoongi groaned into their kiss, barely audible and yet undeniable. He was still hard, and if Jungkook pressed only a little bit closer to him, he'd feel it, pressed up against his hip. Yoongi wanted him to. He was falling apart under Jungkook's attention so quickly, so easily, and he didn't have any strength left to deny himself this. In L.A., he had wanted a night with Jungkook that he didn't have to overthink, he'd kept him at a distance because of it, and still he had spent days and weeks thinking about the things Jungkook had said, the way he'd looked, the way he'd felt in his arms. Whatever they did with each other, Yoongi would think about it anyways.

Jungkook's breath was trembling when he inhaled deeply, so obvious. Nervous. It made Yoongi pause, made him slow down, but Jungkook didn't let him. Instead of pulling back, he brought his arm around Yoongi, pushed him onto his back with the force of his own body, and followed him when he rolled over. Jungkook was hovering above him, was holding himself up on his forearm right next to Yoongi's head, his other hand already sliding down his body again, always so fascinated with his chest.

It didn't take more than that for Yoongi to know that Jungkook had planned this. He hadn't come here to talk or to wish him a happy birthday. He was nervous because he'd come here knowing what he wanted, and it made Yoongi throw his head back into the pillow as a surge of heat burned through him.

'Hyung,' Jungkook whispered again, his lips brushing against his jaw. Yoongi couldn't hold back the moan that escaped him when Jungkook lowered his hips against his. He was hard, hard against Yoongi's own cock that was throbbing for attention, and they both gasped at the contact, at the reassurance. 'Hyung, are you...' he trailed off, his voice caught in this throat. All that Yoongi heard, right by his ear, was a small, 'Okay?' before he swallowed another gasp and rubbed his hips forward a little.

God, Yoongi was going to burn up alive. He wouldn't make it that far. He grasped at Jungkook's lower back as he nodded too frantically. There was no way he was saying no to this. It felt like a fever dream, unreal, and if this was going to be his downfall, so be it. He arched his hips up and into Jungkook, made him let out the sweetest of moans, though he bit down on Yoongi's jaw to stifle it.

There wasn't enough room for Yoongi to spread his legs, to wrap them around Jungkook's thighs, and Jungkook faltered a little when he noticed the attempt. He was breathing hard against Yoongi's neck as he thought, shifted his hips a little, and Yoongi let him take a moment to decide. To figure out what he wanted. He ran his hand down Jungkook's back in encouragement, maybe to calm them both down a little, but it didn't work.

'Anything,' he whispered into the dark. 'Don't think.'

Only he hadn't considered how devastatingly hot it would be if he let Jungkook decide. He felt Jungkook nod, felt him take another shuddery breath. Then he shifted, brought his legs over both of Yoongi's, straddling his thighs. He leaned forward, ground his body down, and their cocks rubbed together so perfectly, the moans they both let out were too loud. Yoongi bit down on his lower lip hard, but it was no use. The friction of Jungkook's body against his, the heat of his hard cock, the way Jungkook was trembling and moaning above him, it was all too much.

The way that Jungkook had positioned himself gave him so much power, Yoongi could feel the movement of his muscles in his lower back when he ground himself down again. He couldn't move much himself, but leaned back and let Jungkook use his body to work himself up, let Jungkook put his muscles to use as he ground down again and again. The pleasure that shot through Yoongi was so hot, so insistent, he barely knew how to process it. It was too much already, all Jungkook, Jungkook, Jungkook.

Another moan left him when Jungkook kissed his neck, his jaw, then his lips again. The kisses were heated, but distracted, and once their lips touched again, neither of them could focus on it. It was simply an exchange of breath, hot gasps and low moans whispered into each other's mouths. Jungkook fell into a rhythm of rubbing their bodies together, his cock sliding against Yoongi again and again, slowly, but so hard, so good. It didn't even matter that they were both still in their briefs, that the sensations were a little dimmed. Yoongi would have probably died had he felt Jungkook right against him, all hot and maybe a little wet.

For the first time, there were no thoughts of stopping. Of being reasonable. All Yoongi could do was to arch his hips up as best as possible, to meet Jungkook's body every time he rolled it down and into him. He let his hands run over his back, scratched his nails over the back of his neck, felt Jungkook shudder, felt his body falter, then grind into his own a little faster.

'Feels good,' Yoongi got out, no more than air, the words lost against Jungkook's lips. 'So good, Koo, so... fuck.'

With his reassurance, Jungkook turned frantic above him. Yoongi felt the tension grow in the way he was holding himself, felt his abs tighten under his touch, felt the hand by his head dig into the pillow, tearing at the fabric. Their lips were still touching, Jungkook was breathing so hard, every other breath interlaced with a soft gasp, a low moan or sigh or whine. Yoongi could have come from his sounds alone. The friction became so tight he could hardly bear it, and still he kept arching up and into it, seeking it out.

He was going to feel Jungkook come. He knew it would happen, he would finally see Jungkook like this, would hear him, would taste the sounds he made, and knew he wouldn't stand a chance himself. So he gave himself up to it.

'Yoongi,' Jungkook gasped, breathless. His hips sped up even more, he lifted himself up a little, looked down between their bodies where the darkness probably revealed nothing but a promise. The little space between them allowed Yoongi to reach for Jungkook's shirt, to draw it up his chest, and he felt his orgasm build the second that he took in the shadowy outline of Jungkook's abs, of how they tightened with each thrust, with each second that he brought himself closer.

Their foreheads almost knocked against each other when Yoongi propped himself up onto his elbow. He needed to see, needed to get at least one look at Jungkook like this. His grasp on Jungkook's hip tightened when he saw their hips rub together, just dark fabric, stretched taut over Jungkook's bulge, his hard cock that he pressed against Yoongi so desperately.

'Yoongi, Yoongi,' Jungkook gasped, his hips faltering, uncontrolled. He fell forward at the same time at which Yoongi fell back, overwhelmed by the rush of pleasure that built so deep inside of him. He was so close, and the sound of Jungkook coming above him made him snap. The moan Jungkook let out was so full of relief, so low and yet a little shy, it turned into a whine as he rolled his hips with the aftershocks. The friction against Yoongi's cock was so good, the sensations of Jungkook's body against his so much, the fact that it was him impossible to survive.

He came with a groan that he tried to stifle, his cock twitched against Jungkook's, seeking out the remaining friction, with Jungkook's lips pressing hotly against the corner of his mouth. Jungkook was still shuddering with his own pleasure above him, and he let out another desperate gasp at the realisation of more wetness and Yoongi's arching back, his endlessly tightening grip on him. It still didn't feel real, else Yoongi might have felt a little self-conscious to let Jungkook see this side of him. But the heat just wouldn't fade, waves of want and desire kept Yoongi's insides pulled tight and still wanting more. Above him, Jungkook let out a devastating small laugh when Yoongi rolled his hips up one more time, despite the wetness between them. Jungkook didn't seem to be softening, either.

There should have been something like guilt, at least a hint of the anxiety and worry that had been with them since the beginning, but Yoongi felt none of it. There was only satisfaction. Happiness. He'd never have to wonder again. He'd let himself have this at least once. And he already knew he'd never be able to regret something that felt so damn good.

'Happy birthday, Hyung.'

Jungkook finally drew back a little, but only to bring space between their hips where their bodies were sticky and hot and wet. He kissed him, this time soft and sweet, the way Yoongi had expected it earlier. Then he rolled off of him with a sigh. Yoongi could still hear him breathe heavily.

'This was your gift?' Yoongi asked, his voice hoarse for no reason. 'Was this the plan?'

Jungkook laughed again. He sounded just as mind blown as Yoongi felt.

'I wanted to,' he sighed. 'I couldn't sleep, I kept waiting for everyone to settle down. Been thinking about it for so long.'

Yoongi hummed in agreement, maybe in appreciation. It was already the best birthday he'd ever had. Whatever thoughts would sneak their way into his mind later, for now he finally felt like everything was right in the world, if only for a little bit.

'You still think you like guys then?' he asked as he rolled onto his side. Jungkook had thrown at arm up over his head. His chest was still rising and falling too rapidly. His eyes were wide open.

'So not straight,' he mumbled. 'Was so good.' He took a breath, then added quietly, 'Right? I mean... It was?'

'Yeah. Yeah, it was.'

For Yoongi, it was overwhelming because it was Jungkook, one of his closest friends, someone he had watched grow up, someone he'd loved for too long. But for Jungkook, on top of it being Yoongi, everything was a first. He was staring up at the ceiling as his breathing slowed, clearly still processing.

'I was nervous I'd come so fast,' Jungkook mumbled, almost as if he were whispering only to himself. 'But you... It was so easy, too?'

The small laugh Yoongi let out was more of a huff into the pillow.

'You really thought I'd last around you?'

Jungkook didn't say anything, but his smile up at the ceiling was all Yoongi needed to see.

'Good thing you're braver than I am,' he decided with a sigh. He let the words kiss Jungkook's upper arm, then brushed his lips against his skin right there. All those months that Yoongi had wanted this and still it had never happened. But Jungkook? He'd come here, had climbed on top of Yoongi, so full of eagerness and curiosity that always seemed to outweigh any anxiety he might feel. There had been nerves, Yoongi had felt them, but they were never enough to keep Jungkook from doing what he wanted. And Yoongi was glad for it. If it wasn't for Jungkook's determination, they would have never had this. Not just this morning, but anything.

'There's so much we could do,' Jungkook said, still smiling up at the ceiling. 'I mean... I know we're still figuring this out. But... Sorry.'

The joy on his face slowly faded as he spoke, and Yoongi pressed another kiss against his upper arm. His skin tasted a little salty, but perfectly addicting.

'Let's not think about it right now,' he decided. 'It's your first time doing this, let's not ruin it.'

'Yeah,' Jungkook agreed. There was a sudden sadness to his voice that hurt Yoongi more than anything, but he didn't let himself linger on it. Not right now.

They continued to catch their breath, but it took Yoongi an eternity to stop replaying the last few minutes in his mind, to stop wanting to climb on top of Jungkook and do it all again.

'It really wasn't that different,' Jungkook eventually hummed, just when Yoongi once more thought about the wetness in his underwear and that they should both get up and change. 'You kept saying it wasn't, but I didn't really believe you.'

'With a guy you mean?'

'Yeah. I didn't even think about that anymore. Not much. It was just you. Just so good.'

'I freaked out after my first time doing that. I already knew I'd like it, and still it was a lot to finally know for sure.'

He had to laugh a little at the memory. His awkward stumbling as a teenager felt worlds away from what he had with Jungkook. The easy way in which they lay with each other, both their thoughts drifting as they calmed down, even if not all of them were good ones. Yoongi kept waiting for his usually anxious mind to wake again, but he was still safe. Still happy.

'You think, if I had grown up in Daegu, we would have been a thing back then?'

Yoongi laughed a bit more at the idea.

'No.'

'Why?'

Jungkook sounded offended, and he threw Yoongi a pouty look from his side of the bed.

'Because you would have been like ten? Don't remind me of how young you are, please.'

Jungkook scrunched his nose up in a silent laugh. Then he muttered, 'I'm not young now.'

He was, but not young enough that Yoongi had to agonise over it much. The fact that he'd grown up with Yoongi as an older brother was more concerning to him whenever he thought about it, but he'd let his feelings for Jungkook grow for so long, he'd come to terms with it as best as he could. Their relationship now wasn't what it had been when Jungkook had first come to Seoul. Jungkook was an adult now. Else Yoongi could have never done what had just happened.

'Let's get cleaned up,' he decided, but it still took him a long moment to get up. He had to pull Jungkook to his feet when he stretched out his arms, and their bodies met once more in the dark, standing by the foot of the bed. Jungkook's upper body felt warm against his own, even through his shirt. Yoongi buried his hand in the fabric covering his chest, and Jungkook got the hint and came a little closer still. He leaned down to kiss Yoongi as if it were to most natural thing in the world.

It was so easy to lose himself in him. To pretend for just a little longer that there was nothing at all wrong with what they were doing, that they never had to think about anything outside of this room again. Their kiss deepened, Jungkook let his hands run down Yoongi's back, but as soon as their hips brushed, they both faltered, grimacing. It was time to return to reality. Time to wash up and change and for Jungkook to return to his own bed. It was safer that way. Not better, not what Yoongi wanted, but safer.

Chapter Text

Yoongi had already known that the bubble would burst. The magical glow of relief and elation only lasted another few hours until, on set for the day's schedule, Jimin asked him how he'd liked his birthday so far. There was such a happy, knowing smile on his face that Yoongi couldn't help but frown and let his gaze find Jungkook. It was only a second, but Jimin's smile widened as he realised, 'Oh, Jungkook-ah has already come to congratulate you? Of course he has.'

No matter how hard Yoongi tried to get him to back off, Jimin was in a mood and kept probing, kept teasing, not believing a word of Yoongi's unenthusiastic attempts to convince him that all he'd done before they'd left for their shoot was sleep. After Yoongi's initial moment of panic, there didn't seem to be any reason to think that Jimin knew that Jungkook had indeed been in his room all morning, and not to talk. But what it meant was that he was forced to lie over and over again as Jimin, bright and happy, threw and arm around him and started guessing what it might be that Yoongi and Jungkook were keeping from him.

The more Jimin tried to rile them up, the more Jungkook's face fell, and the heavy weight that Yoongi had managed to ignore in the morning resettled on his chest. At the same time, Namjoon was watching them from the side, and with his own recent comments on how Yoongi and Jungkook were keeping to themselves more and more often, Yoongi knew they had already managed to draw attention to themselves again, even when he had never confirmed anything at all to Jimin.

Although it meant leaving Jungkook behind at a time in which he might have needed more reassurance, he was almost glad to leave Seoul shortly after and make his way to Daegu, if with mixed emotions. Partly, he was eager to get a break, to not have to overthink every step he took, partly he was unwilling to turn his back on Jungkook, no matter how difficult things were with him and no matter how soon he would be back.

The last time he had been home had been so long ago, before the start of the Love Yourself tour last summer. There were certain emotions and disappointments that he had come to expect from being home, even when things with his family had undoubtably improved over the last few years. He prepared himself for a few days of not entirely feeling like himself, of showing his family only the sides of him that they had always allowed and accepted. But when he arrived in Daegu, for the first time in his post-debut life there was relief rather than the immediate wish to depart.

He had planned to stay a day or two, but they turned into five before he could really think about it. It was the last time he'd have a chance to be home before he would be busier than ever with promotions for their comeback and before the extension of the tour would kick off and take him all around the world once more. Initially, he had wanted to use the time off for more work on the EP, but something kept him in Daegu where he spent countless hours with his brother walking around the neighbourhood of their childhood and came home to a dinner table filled with too much food, something else he was not used to.

For the first time in a while he stood outside the home he had grown up in, lost in thought. By now, Yoongi had been able to send enough money home to allow his parents to move into a larger apartment in a more modern area. It didn't feel like home to him, but when he looked at the house he remembered living in as a child, he realised that there weren't any homey feelings of nostalgia about it, either. The time of his life when he had called this house his home was over, and he wasn't unhappy about it. And neither were his parents, it seemed. It no longer felt forced when they asked him about his life in Seoul and his time spent on tour. They had accepted that his life had taken him elsewhere and they had accepted the changes that had come with his decision.

'It's strange,' he told Jungkook upon his return, the first time they found a moment alone with each other. 'I used to feel like my real self in Seoul and like a modified version of it in Daegu. It was so black and white. Now, I'm not so sure.'

'What do you mean?'

Jungkook was sitting cross legged at the edge of the stage and was looking over his shoulder to where Yoongi was crouching on a stage monitor. They had made their way to Hong Kong late last night for yet another set of shows, and while the others had already returned to the green room after today's rehearsal, Jungkook had asked for his picture to be taken with his back towards the camera, his face turned towards the empty venue. There were a million pictures like this on all of their phones, and Yoongi wasn't sure whether he had really wanted one of this exact concert hall, or whether he had asked with the deliberate intention of getting a moment to talk.

'Being home was nice,' Yoongi explained. 'I'm just surprised, I guess. I didn't expect it.'

'What do you mean you used to feel like yourself in Seoul? You don't anymore?'

There was something anxious in the look Jungkook was giving him, and it made Yoongi smile despite himself. There were so many sides to Jungkook, both the self-confident one that Yoongi had last seen on his birthday, and the one that he saw right now. Jungkook's wide eyes, the quick way in which he worried or became unsure, not only about things that concerned himself.

'I do around you. Don't worry. I'm just used to having to censor myself in Daegu and feeling this relief when I come back. It wasn't like that this time.'

Jungkook considered this for a moment. Then he let himself fall onto his back and looked up at the ceiling littered with lights and black steel beams and cables.

'But you censor yourself in Seoul, too. Always have. You just didn't have to lie this bluntly until now, but that's because you shut yourself away for so long and pretended parts of you don't exist.'

Yoongi watched him watch the lights overhead. His jaw set, he wanted to argue, but then he swallowed the instinct away.

'Yeah. I guess.'

Jungkook was right. Seoul had only ever been easier because with his move there, he had shut the door on everything that would potentially make it difficult. He had made a choice all those years ago. The black and white divide between the two cities wasn't because he was fully himself in Seoul while he had hidden himself away in Daegu. It was almost the other way around, wasn't it? In Daegu, things had been hard, but at least he had dared to go after what he had wanted, no matter how secretly. In Seoul, he had never been that stupid before. Not until Jungkook.

'It's fucked up,' he mumbled. 'I keep telling myself that Seoul treated me better than Daegu ever did, but maybe I just never gave Seoul a chance to hurt me.'

Now, with Jungkook, he had. And it did hurt, even with it being Seoul.

'I did tell you you're too used to lying. It's scary how normal it's become for you.'

'So what, you'd just tell the others? About your sexuality?' Yoongi asked. He didn't really expect a response, but Jungkook turned his head to the side and looked over at him with his always too honest eyes.

'If it weren't you, then I think so. Yes.'

'If it weren't me?'

'I mean,' Jungkook now backtracked, biting his lower lip. 'I only figured it out a few months ago. I don't feel too guilty about not going straight to one of the Hyungs to discuss it. But I want them to know at some point. I wouldn't go years keeping it to myself. If it weren't you who had made me realise, I would have probably already told Jimin Hyung.'

It wasn't an accusation, his voice was too soft for that, too factual, but Yoongi still felt that familiar guilt rise up in his chest. Again, Jungkook was probably right. He'd had his reasons not to trust anyone with his secrets when he'd first come to Seoul, experience had taught him, but hadn't the other members earned his honesty by now? He didn't think it was a matter of owing them the truth, but he also didn't think they deserved his apprehension. Not anymore.

'You know you can tell him if you want to,' he made himself say. He was well aware that Jungkook coming out to the others would cause more questions, would probably suggest a connection to Yoongi without either of them having to point it out, but it wasn't Yoongi's place to instruct Jungkook, to give him rules to follow.

'I don't. Not right now.'

Yoongi didn't ask about his reasons. He met Jungkook's gaze once more, smiled at how his hair had fallen out of his face with how he was laying down, and fought the desire to go over to him to touch his forehead. There were venue workers nearby in the stands, discussing tonight's sound and light show, but they were out of earshot. The stage was empty save for the two of them.

'You know,' Yoongi said, 'My parents were really good about Seoul this time. Everything involving the group and the music. They really came around. A while ago I guess, but it's still hard to believe.'

Jungkook pursed his lips thoughtfully. He brought a hand to his flat chest where his shirt was glued to his skin from laying down, and Yoongi could see him take a breath.

'Does it make you think you could tell them more? Come out to them?'

It was what Yoongi had wanted to say. Jungkook had caught on quickly.

'Not right now,' he repeated Jungkook's words, maybe a little too casually. 'I'm too grateful for how good things are, I don't want to stir them up again. But you know, maybe later. At some point in life. I might not always have to keep this from them. Or from the members, either. I don't know.'

It felt strange to say it out loud. Yoongi was far from claiming that his relationship with his family had healed enough to test it once again, but there was a chance that his future wouldn't be all half truths and modified versions of himself. He'd never thought it would be something he'd even be able to consider, however vaguely. In the past, he had laughed off any thought of that kind of honesty. But lately, he'd started having conversations in his head that involved Namjoon. And now, his parents. His brother. It didn't feel entirely impossible.

If Seoul was starting to feel restricting the way Daegu had once done, had always done until, apparently, now, then what choices did that leave Yoongi? He could either shut that door once more and continue to focus on only the good parts of his new life the way he had done for so long, or he could finally stop keeping secrets. Take a risk.

'I'm glad things were okay at home, Hyung.' He had been quiet for too long and Jungkook's voice brought him back to reality. 'I believe you when you say honesty wasn't an option back then, and that I'm privileged and all to not really understand that, but maybe things won't always be the way you know them.'

'Yeah. Maybe,' Yoongi nodded. There was a large part of him that wanted to dismiss Jungkook's words, maybe call him naive even when he would have never done so to his face, but there was also a part, one that he wasn't used to yet, that wanted to believe him. His life had changed endlessly in the last few years, so what would the next one bring? Maybe it was time to think about the best possible version rather than all the ways in which what he had built could fall apart.

'You should come with me to Busan some time,' Jungkook now smiled. 'Or you can show me Daegu.'

It was too much, too strange to imagine taking Jungkook to all those places Yoongi only associated with teenage angst, the constant fear of being found out, the unmedicated or even addressed dark cloud over his head, the arguments about his future, the lack of acknowledgement, of support, the hours and hours of gruelling work he'd gone through only to still come up short on money all the damn time. He had absolutely no desire to take Jungkook on a trip down memory lane, even if nothing about his childhood was a secret anymore. Not for Jungkook.

'Busan, yeah,' he nodded. 'Though the guys would be up our asses about it.'

Over the course of the last six months, Jungkook had gone away with Jimin twice with no one batting an eye. And still it felt like announcing to the group that he would spend off time with Jungkook in Busan would be as much of a confession as straight up telling them about all the things they'd done. The things he felt for Jungkook.

'Let them,' Jungkook shrugged. It was an obvious attempt at defiance, an almost childish response, but Yoongi didn't comment on it. He wanted to believe that one day it might be possible for the two of them to go away together. There was never enough time with Jungkook, never enough privacy, even now that there wasn't really anything that they had to hide from the others. Yoongi still wanted him to himself from time to time. Just so that for a while, he wouldn't have to think about all the ways he wasn't allowed to look at him.

...

After Hong Kong came another period of endless schedules that made Yoongi lose track of what day of the week it was, what time of the day or night, or where he was supposed to be. Their comeback in April was everything they had wanted it to be, but with it came such an intense demand for their media presence, they could hardly do it justice. For weeks, Yoongi fell into autopilot because it was the only way to get through the initial post comeback weeks. He went where he was supposed to go, smiled when he was supposed to, delivered his lines when a microphone was stuck into his face, and constantly felt his stomach complaining about emptiness due to the many photoshoots, interviews, and music shows they had to attend and show their best form for.

Yoongi tried his best, he tried until he could hardly stand up anymore without falling asleep, and he felt himself entirely depleted of energy by the time they returned to the US once more for the extension of the tour. He would have never thought that returning to tour life would feel like a relief, but it did. Touring was taxing, it was exhausting, but there were fewer directions into which he was pulled. Most schedules were short because the majority of their days were spent at venues. There was a routine to things that Yoongi hated at times, but appreciated the prospect of when May came.

Their first show had once more been scheduled for L.A., and the decsent into the city in the early morning felt familiar by now. It had been a short flight as they had attended the Billboard Music Awards in Vegas just last night, and still Yoongi was tired enough to actually have caught some sleep on the plane. He asked for iced coffee while they were still in the airport and sipped on his straw on the way out.

'There'll be fewer overnight flights,' Namjoon told him as they walked down the empty VIP hallway towards the exit with security flanking them. 'I promise. They were insistent about these first ones, and the non-domestic ones that would steal a whole day, but it won't be so bad from now on.'

'You don't have to do this,' Yoongi yawned. 'I'll be fine.'

'Why wouldn't I want to make your life easier?'

Yoongi pushed his sunglasses from his hair down his nose. They would use a private exit and still there was a chance of a crowd waiting for them.

'You already do, you know?' he sighed. 'You really do.'

Two large double doors were opened as they approached them and the bright California sun burned Yoongi's cheekbones. It had been just as hot in Vegas, and still Yoongi made a face. The heat in the States was so dry, it felt a million times worse to him than the Korean sun that could be just as hot. At least there was no crowd and the cars that would take them directly to the venue were already lined up outside. He climbed into the first SUV and was greeted by a wave of air conditioned cool air that felt just as aggressive as the sun had done.

'Who do you think will catch a cold first?' he asked with a sigh.

'Oh, I can already feel it. Hobi Hyung, too. He'll be the first to go down as usual.'

Namjoon said it with a grin that Yoongi mirrored.

'Well, I hope you won't be knocked out. Not in L.A. of all places. You have a girl to see, no?'

It was so easy, the way in which Namjoon shrugged with a smile. He stretched out a little more in his seat as the car began to move. He was comfortable, relaxed. While Yoongi felt anxiety rise in his throat at the mere thought of his last hook up, there was none of that in Namjoon.

'I don't know,' he said, cheerful either way. 'Last time didn't go down too well, right?'

Yoongi remembered the Grammy's mostly for the ego boost and the night he'd gotten to spend together with Jungkook. He remembered Jungkook's half unbuttoned dress shirt and his messy hair and seductive eyes, the way he'd sat on his bed and talked about sex with that low voice. The memory snuck into his mind even when he was trying to recall Namjoon that night.

Namjoon had left the hotel room in which they had celebrated, drunk, intent on getting a ride to his producer's house, but he had been followed by their head manager. He had told Yoongi the day after that they had sat in the hotel lobby, first with the intention of making a safe plan to get Namjoon into a car and across town, then with a drink from the hotel bar, and later with no more plans to go anywhere at all, drunkenly spilling their guts to one another. The idea of Namjoon being close with management like that had made Yoongi laugh back then and it did now, too.

'Right,' he mused. 'You missed out on sex because you had too many drinks with your boss.'

'Hey, she's alright,' Namjoon protested immediately. 'She can be stuck up, but she definitely wasn't that night.'

'I know, I know. You're friends now?'

Namjoon shrugged.

'Why not?'

Yoongi shook his head to say there was no reason, then frowned.

'Just friends?'

'God, yes,' Namjoon laughed. 'Can you imagine?'

'No.'

His answer was easy, it came too quickly, and it seemed to amuse Namjoon even more than the idea of hooking up with management had.

'Of course not, why did I ask? Seriously, Hyung, I'm curious. What kind of person would you be interested in? It seems to be no one, but it can't be no one. Come on.'

'It could easily be no one,' Yoongi noted. 'That's true for many.'

It was easier to argue than to acknowledge the gender neutral way in which Namjoon was speaking, or the hint of urgency in his voice, as if he was getting tired of asking.

'I know it isn't for you. It might have been forever, but you did once have a sex life.'

'And we're discussing it right now? In this car?'

They hadn't talked about Yoongi's experiences in detail, but enough for Namjoon to know that there had been a life of dating and hook ups in his past. In their early trainee days, they had been young enough for the subject of attraction to come up so often, Namjoon knew that Yoongi felt it. But apparently it had been long enough now, and he was starting to wonder.

Namjoon grinned at him.

'You know, maybe Noona wouldn't be the worst choice for you. You can be uptight together.'

'It's Noona now?'

Again, it was easier not to comment on the tone, the teasing. Defending himself would only lead to more unwanted questions. He had always enjoyed having these simple and mindless conversations with Namjoon when he so often went on rambling about things that were more serious, but ever since last summer, their superficial exchanges felt dangerous whenever they were about their love lives.

'She truly is nice,' Namjoon now shrugged. 'We talked a lot about responsibility and how it can be isolating in the face of everyone else letting loose. She's smart. I don't know, we had a good conversation that night.'

'When do we ever let loose? But I believe you. I never said I don't like her, it would just be weird if you dated her.'

'True. It would suck, too. All the sneaking around. I guess we couldn't tell anyone. Or at least I wouldn't want to until it were serious.'

Yoongi only nodded. He had no desire at all to continue this conversation and so he looked out the window in hopes of finding a distraction there.

'Anyways,' Namjoon went on, 'I don't know if last time kind of ruined things with my other girlfriend.'

It was so easy for him to talk about his producer. He told Yoongi all about the reasons he might want to see her again, then about the reasons that made him think he'd embarrassed himself too much after the Grammy's. There didn't seem to be any strong desire either way. Things were easy. The way they had probably been supposed to be. There were no secrets, no lies, no hidden glances and touches and sneaking out of hotel rooms at night. Namjoon was dating girls and he was talking about it without a care in the world.

And for a second, Yoongi kind of hated him for it. All of the members. He had never really cared whenever he had listened to their conversations about girlfriends and girls that weren't exactly just friends, but somehow it was hard to listen to Namjoon right now, to see him so relaxed, so carefree. Of course he deserved to be just that, but seeing it made something in Yoongi feel resentful. It reminded him of the angry look on Jungkook's face every time he had mentioned the unfairness of things in the past. The way that Jungkook, from the beginning, had thought, had known, that things should be different.

How would Namjoon react if he interrupted him only to say that there was a reason why he never brought up girls? Why he never said anything in response to the members' stories? Why he seemed so disinterested? Would it be anything like talking to Jungkook in Amsterdam had been? Even just thinking about it he felt the same nerves, but it was still different. Namjoon was his best friend, but coming out to him would be more detached from him as a person than it had been from Jungkook. Jungkook, who really should have noticed back then that Yoongi was telling him of all people because he was the one he needed to know the most.

Yoongi let his thoughts drift, and it didn't take Namjoon long to write it off as him being tired and to start complaining about the early flight and their overall schedule. All Yoongi had to do was listen until Namjoon lost interest in talking to himself and instead started to speak to their driver in English that was even easier to tune out. It was so easy for him to move on it seemed, to focus his thoughts on something other than his potential meet up in L.A..

If Yoongi had needed any more proof of the fact that what he had with Jungkook was more than something as simple as relief or curiosity, it was this. If things with Jungkook were superficial, he would be able to move on from it the way that Namjoon apparently did from his own fling without much difficulty. It was what Yoongi wanted, he was aching to finally let go of all the weight he was carrying around these days, but at the same time, they had come far enough now for Yoongi to stubbornly want to hold on to it. No matter how much more complicated or painful things would become, Yoongi would never have it in him to push Jungkook away now. If anything, he wanted him closer.

He was so tired of the distance. It had been more than three months since they had decided to let things cool down, and missing Jungkook was all he could think about, sometimes with a smile on his face and sometimes with a heavy pressure behind his eyes. It was impossible to ignore the constant pull that he felt around him, a physical persuasion that made him drift towards Jungkook whether he wanted to or not.

So, during their rehearsals that day and the next, for the first time in forever, Yoongi allowed himself to stick close to Jungkook, and his whole body suddenly felt lighter. It took no convincing at all for Jungkook to lean into the offered closeness, and he stayed in Yoongi's personal space any time their choreo didn't force them apart. He watched him with that strange adoration Yoongi saw in his eyes whenever he became serious about music, when Yoongi discussed the levels of his in ears with a sound technician. He imitated his rap part with laughter catching in his voice, he wrapped his arms around him from behind as they waited for instructions, his chin resting on Yoongi's shoulder, and he looked right at him when he sang his lines, as if waiting for approval.

He had been happy before they had come on stage, but during their rehearsal he seemed to be bouncing with joy. When the sun that shone down on them became too much and Yoongi pulled the collar of his shirt up over his head for a second to escape the heat, Jungkook copied him with such a happy smile on his face that Yoongi let the joke go on until they were called to order by their head manager.

He exchanged a significant look with Namjoon at her rather sharp voice and couldn't stop smiling. How was he supposed to be on this tour and not have these moments with Jungkook? How was he supposed to hold on to the distance between them when it was so easy to allow Jungkook back in, when he was so eager to disregard any caution? He couldn't even bring himself to care about Namjoon being close and already suspicious, or Jimin watching them with an amused looked on his face. It was this exact disregard of caution that had forced them to take a step back from one another and yet Yoongi wanted a break from caring about it. If only for a few days.

He went into their first L.A. show still feeling exhausted, but in a good mood. Things with Jungkook felt right on the edge of something, and with so many hotel nights ahead of them, Yoongi couldn't help but feel excited despite himself. He didn't exactly know what for, in theory he was well aware that nothing had changed since the beginning of the year, and still he felt that they were in a better place. Maybe it was the simple fact that more time had passed, that they had gone through several months of trying to stay apart and had come out of it without having lost the constant ache for one another.

At least Yoongi wanted to think so. He needed to believe it. The way that Jungkook looked at him should be enough.

'You were amazing,' Yoongi told him after their first night in L.A.. 'I'd get sick up there for sure.'

While Jungkook had deemed his Euphoria choreo boring during last year's shows, his performance had now been upgraded to him flying over the crowd holding on to a tiny pole. Yoongi had watched from under the stage, and even though he had seen him rehearse, he had felt sick with worry for the entirety of the song. It suited Jungkook though. He had been so excited when he had told Yoongi about the plans he'd made with their choreographer, and he had smiled so widely after his first attempt tonight.

He was smiling now, too, as they made their way towards the green room together. Right in front of them was Hobi, already complaining to one of the managers about his throat hurting with his advancing cold, behind them was Taehyung, speaking in very broken English to a middle aged venue worker who seemed enamoured by his attention despite her age.

'You should try flying some time,' Jungkook told him. 'It's the most amazing feeling, even without the crowd.'

'You won't ever get me up there.'

'I think there's a few things I could promise you that might convince you to try it.'

Instinctively, Yoongi looked around, but no one seemed to be paying them any attention.

'Where do you get your confidence?' he muttered as he brought the towel in his hand up to his neck. He was sweaty all over with his clothes sticking to his skin, and with Jungkook talking like that he felt even warmer.

'It's a bit of a show,' Jungkook smiled as he leaned in closer. 'You know it is, right?'

It was a confession so sweet and honest, Yoongi only smiled harder. God, he wanted to kiss him. At least for a second, at least a little. The last time they had done that had been so much more than kissing, and Yoongi wanted that, too. So much so that he kept thinking about it at the most inconvenient moments. Like backstage with their entire staff and the members around.

Yoongi cleared his throat and looked around once more. They had almost made it to the green room where he could already see that a crowd larger than usual had gathered.

'You have fifteen minutes,' he heard their head manager say in English right before he entered the room and saw that she was speaking to a young man who was nodding eagerly. Around him was a crew with cameras and mics, already set up, and it wasn't their documentary staff.

'A schedule?' he muttered to Jungkook who was still by his side. 'Really?'

'Radio show. They told us during last night's briefing, right?'

Yoongi nodded, though he didn't remember a thing. He had been close to unconscious during that meeting and all he had wanted was to fall into bed.

'I think it'll be quick.'

He felt Jungkook's soft touch on his lower back before he could school his features into something more enthusiastic. A look to the side told him that Jungkook seemed amused by his lack of motivation, but the hand on his sweaty shirt was reassuring nonetheless.

Yoongi wanted to say something, a warning maybe that if he wasn't out of here before midnight he would throw hands, but the guy who seemed to be in charge already stepped into his path. Yoongi managed to give Hobi a look who had arrived first, but had managed to sidestep the crew by dramatically clutching his throat and continuing to whine loudly enough in Korean to probably make it seem as though he needed medical attention first.

'Hello hello,' the guy greeted him, then nodded at Jungkook, too. His gaze ran down Jungkook's body a little too slowly for Yoongi's liking and lingered on his chest where his sweaty shirt clung to his skin. More English was thrown at Yoongi, and while he could follow at first, it didn't last long. He only frowned, which made the guy laugh and place a hand on his upper arm in a way that felt a little invasive, but was just professional and quick enough to not raise any red flags.

'Don't worry, darling,' he said, more slowly now. 'It'll only take a minute.'

Yoongi ignored the pet name, too. In Korea, he hardly ever encountered overt mannerisms like this, he couldn't imagine anyone wanting to actively draw attention to their queerness, if this was what it was, but he knew things were different in the US, at least for some. Habit made him look around for staff, for someone to touch up his make up, but the Noonas paid him no mind and were stuck together behind the camera crew as if it didn't concern them at all.

'Make up?' Yoongi asked, and the smile the guy gave him was somewhat too bright. He was boyishly handsome and colourful, Yoongi noticed now that their attention was focused on one another, but a little too cheerful.

'It's audio only. We're a radio show.'

'Oh. Okay.'

Yoongi didn't know what else to say, but the other already kept talking anyways, his voice too sweet.

'You look gorgeous either way.'

The compliment came with a smile that made a wave of nerves rush over Yoongi more than anything. Was this act something all the members would be subjected to, or was it something about him that somehow stood out? Was this personal? Had he been found out this easily?

While Yoongi understood most of the words, of the compliment, he pretended not to. Next to him, Jungkook was apparently following the conversation too, as he suddenly stepped closer just when the guy handed Yoongi a piece of paper. Yoongi turned his head just in time to catch the way in which Jungkook's jaw set, the way he glared down at the guy as he pressed himself up against Yoongi's side. Yoongi had to bite down hard on a laugh that immediately dissolved his sudden panic and focused on the English lines written on the paper in his hand so as not to break.

It was ridiculous that Jungkook would feel the need to possessively stick to his side, and all Yoongi wanted was to tease him for it, but he couldn't right now. He couldn't draw any kind of attention to them.

'I say this?' he asked in English and pointed at the lines on the paper.

'Yes please. Can you try it?'

Yoongi read out the two sentences that included only one word that gave him pause.

'Appreciate,' the guy told him. He looked too enamoured. 'You did great, though! So cute.'

Jungkook snatched the paper from Yoongi, but was promptly given a separate one.

'You all get different ones,' the guy said, but Jungkook only frowned at him. His English was getting better the more they traveled and the more he studied, but he still got too nervous to speak to strangers. Except of course to that sound technician last year that he had somehow managed to woo. Yoongi made a mental note of teasing him for that later, too.

'I'll go first,' Yoongi decided, but it came out in Korean. 'First,' he repeated in English.

'Perfect,' the guy beamed.

It took only two attempts for Yoongi to get his lines about how much he appreciated the radio station playing their comeback single perfect. All the while, Jungkook's attentive gaze remained on him and the guy instructing him who was still smiling too happily at every word Yoongi mispronounced. Jungkook was hovering, and Yoongi kept biting down on his lower lip to keep himself from laughing every time he dared to look at him.

'Your turn,' he said in Korean and slapped his own rolled up paper against his shoulder. 'Be quick so we can get out of here.'

He handed his script back to the guy who responded with a cheerful, 'Thanks, beautiful,' that made Jungkook's head snap around too quickly and Yoongi burst out with another laugh.

'You're ridiculous,' he muttered as he moved past Jungkook. So low that only he could hear, he added, in Korean, 'Beautiful.'

Jungkook didn't react, couldn't react with how many people were around, and Yoongi didn't look back at him as he walked towards the couch. A moment later, he heard Jungkook read out his lines without any mistakes, but also without enthusiasm for the radio station. He had always been too good at imitations, and he had always been a little possessive. Only never of Yoongi. It was new and strange and dangerous, and still it made Yoongi's belly flutter.

From the couch he watched Jungkook record his lines in one single, perfect take. His physio started to work on his shoulder even though it didn't hurt too badly tonight, and he was busy pulling his muscles into a light stretch when Jungkook stepped away from the mic and nodded as soon as he was cleared with a wave of compliments. He had barely turned before he pulled his sweaty shirt off in such a demonstrative way, Yoongi felt more laughter bubble up in him.

Jungkook, now beautifully shirtless and facing away from the guy he was clearly trying, successfully, to confuse, or maybe whose attention he was trying to hold so Yoongi couldn't do the same, looked right over at him. There was a small smile on his face, he wasn't being serious, was messing around by now, and Yoongi raised an eyebrow at him.

They were being too obvious. Especially with their physio so nearby and potentially in the best position to put two and two together right after the members. And still Yoongi couldn't hold back his smile at Jungkook's playfulness tonight. There had been so many heavy moments with him earlier this year, even during the last few weeks there had been sad looks from across the room and days on which Jungkook had seemed off or lost in thought, so Yoongi wanted to enjoy this.

And, despite his best efforts to be reasonable, he wanted Jungkook to come over later. It somehow seemed impossible that it wouldn't happen. They had played exactly one show of this extended tour and Yoongi was already imagining the things that could happen if Jungkook snuck out of his own hotel room later. Even if they were all things they wouldn't even have to hide from the others, Yoongi still wanted them. He wanted to lay and watch TV with Jungkook, wanted to hear him talk in that private voice he used when they were alone, wanted to see him all relaxed and intimately homey.

Only then Jungkook never did come over. Their group chat bore witness to how Jungkook was first dragged to the gym with Taehyung and then to the hotel bar from where Yoongi received pictures of colourful cocktails. In the background were members of the documentary staff, and that alone made Yoongi stay where he was even when Taehyung urged everyone to come and join them with too many exclamation marks. He was pretty sure that any video material including alcohol would be screened twice as thoroughly as usual, if it would be shared at all, and still he didn't feel like making his way downstairs only to overthink his every move around Jungkook.

Instead he texted him good night when he fell into bed and deliberately placed his phone onto the bedside table with the notifications silenced. In the morning, he was greeted by a text that had come in about an hour after he had fallen asleep.

Are you up?

It was good to know that Jungkook's mind was right where his own was. That they were thinking the same thing. It only increased the anticipation that Yoongi somehow felt any time he thought of the upcoming weeks on tour, even if he couldn't really put his finger on the reason why it was there in the first place when the last time they had given in to each other had turned risky so damn quickly. Yoongi only had to think of January and the series of nearly being caught to be hit by a sobering wave of reality.

At the same time, the reality was also that they had taken a risk on his birthday and it hadn't really made a difference for the worse. There had been those moments on set the morning after, but it had been a whole month and no one was any wiser about what had happened that night. They had given in and it hadn't backfired. So what was keeping them from doing it again?

Yoongi knew it was weak logic, that it was exactly this false sense of security that would lead to them being careless again, and yet he couldn't stop wanting. He couldn't stop himself from texting back, I wish I had been.

Jungkook didn't respond, because no matter how often he had started those little conversations lately, he still was unreliable when it came to texting, and he often spent days glued to his phone, then days not looking at it at all. Yoongi didn't hear from him until he saw him again back at the venue when they gathered for their rehearsal for their second night in L.A..

For some reason, Jimin was glued to Jungkook's side today, which was likely for the best after Yoongi had done the same only just yesterday. It forced Yoongi to focus on their choreo which Hobi pointed out still lacked in a few areas. They practiced the same ten seconds of a single song for so long, Yoongi was getting sick of it, and he wasn't the only one. Tensions rose quickly the way they often did when they took more time for something than anticipated. As per usual, Yoongi followed the steps as meticulously as he could and tried not to draw any attention to how imperfect they might be. Next to him, Jungkook was placed at their centre, moving flawlessly.

'It's like this, Hyung,' he told him when there was a second to breathe while Hobi was closing in on Namjoon to walk him through every single one of his movements individually.

Yoongi watched, nodded, then imitated what Jungkook had just done. He raised his hands in question when Jungkook shook his head.

'That's what I'm doing,' he argued when Jungkook showed him again without saying anything.

'No.'

It was as easy as that. Jungkook repeated the move once more, Yoongi mirrored it, but apparently not.

'Your arms. They go like this.'

Jungkook's hands were on him, his fingers wrapped around his biceps to force his arms into the right position. He stood so close that for a second, Yoongi's brain was absolutely empty. Jungkook smelled faintly of vanilla, or maybe something more fresh, like newly washed sheets.

'Again,' he had to demand.

Jungkook demonstrated with his own body, then placed his hand on Yoongi's elbow and pushed him into position. Yoongi was pliant under his touch, but also distracted.

'This high up?' he asked stupidly.

'Yeah. That's it.'

Yoongi didn't really see what he was doing differently other than raise his arms up a little higher, but apparently it made a difference that Jungkook had noted even in his peripheral vision.

'Why are you so golden?'

There was no need to hide their conversation from the others, there were no secrets there, and still he found himself mumbling so that the microphones wouldn't pick up on their exchange that well. Frustratingly, their documentary staff was around as always, capturing their hard work.

'You're just a terrible dancer,' Jungkook grinned. Then he easily pushed down against Yoongi's arm when he raised it to slap Jungkook across the back of his head.

'Move your upper body like this, too.'

Jungkook was speaking just as quietly, as privately, as Yoongi had done. He dropped his hand from his biceps to his waist where it felt familiar, right, and at the same time made Yoongi cast a glance around. Jungkook disregarded it. Instead he pushed at Yoongi's hip and turned him to the side a little.

'Turn inwards,' he observed as Yoongi mechanically went through the second of choreo again, this time with Jungkook's hand on him, guiding him.

Another glance around told Yoongi that they were still no one's centre of attention. Most of the group had gathered around Namjoon who was loudly arguing with Hobi about the dance moves, but in good spirits.

'Are you gonna take your shirt off again to make a statement or is this enough?'

The smirk on Jungkook's lips was deadly.

'This? What do you mean?'

Touching him. Claiming him like this. Invading his personal space, holding on to him without disguising the fact that his hands were right where they were supposed to be.

'There's no one here now that could steal me from you,' Yoongi mumbled, as quietly as he could. 'No need to claim your property.'

Jungkook only smiled harder. His fingers also spread on Yoongi's waist, his thumb caressed his side so casually, yet with determination.

'There wasn't anyone there yesterday, either. Right?'

Yoongi purposefully stayed quiet until Jungkook's hand tightened on his side.

'Right?'

'Kook-ah,' Yoongi sighed. 'I don't really have to tell you.' When Jungkook didn't say anything, but their eyes locked for a second, he added, 'Right?'

'Right,' Jungkook smiled. And then, 'You're so cute when you dance.'

It was Yoongi's cue to take a step back, the perfect reason as he acted offended and rolled his eyes. Their conversation was too much for where they were, for how many people were around. Also maybe in general. It felt too much like more promises, like something they had never even talked about.

'Did you enjoy those cocktails?' he asked. It was an attempt at moving towards a safer subject together, but Jungkook ruined it.

'I would have enjoyed being with you more.'

'Text me earlier then.'

Jungkook nodded.

'It's hard to get away sometimes. Of course I could, but I don't want them to ask any questions. I can't lie the way you do.'

'I know. It's good that you're being careful.'

'I wish I wouldn't have to be.'

Yoongi only sighed. He never got to give a response other than that as Hobi clapped his hands behind Jungkook and tore at he back of his shirt a second later to get his attention. They got back into formation and Yoongi lazily joined the others in their next repetition of the same ten seconds of choreo. His mind was elsewhere though. He thought of all the nights he and Jungkook had spent together during the last leg of the tour, before they had ever kissed. Neither of them had thought much about the others then, about what things might look like.

What was different now was that the questions or the teasing that might be thrown at them would be a lot harder to endure when there was actually something they needed to hide. Actual lies. Yoongi still couldn't see a way around them. But at the same time, wasn't it worse if they snuck around and pretended not to even hang out anymore? Didn't that lead to more lies than if Jungkook just admitted to spending time in Yoongi's room in the evenings?

Clearly they were both in over their heads. What had been easy last year was now a constant back and forth of quick texts about where the other was, whether it was safe to get away, and when they would see each other on their own. And still, they didn't manage to spend a single evening together during their time in L.A.. Their evenings were packed with staff dinners, late night shootings and interviews, individual shots for their next documentary, and documented group activities. The one evening they weren't forced to be anywhere together, the night before they were to depart for Chicago, their head manager surprised Yoongi with tickets to an NBA game that he couldn't say no to.

So he went with a few staff members while Jungkook spent his evening off tailing Namjoon and a few American producers and musicians to a Korean restaurant and then catching up on sleep.

Or so Yoongi thought.

As Namjoon had promised, their flight to Chicago was not scheduled late at night, but early in the morning. Early enough that Yoongi skipped breakfast at the hotel and made his way downstairs right in time for their line of cars to roll up out front. He routinely sipped on iced coffee in the backseat with Hobi as they once more faced the traffic towards LAX and listened to what he had to say about the EP recordings Yoongi had finally shared with him, too, after he had found out that Jungkook had them and had pretended to be offended for a full day.

Yoongi felt warm at the praise, but his response consisted of all the ideas for changes that he still wanted to make and that he wanted Hobi's thoughts on. So far, he had mostly shared his thoughts about the EP with Jungkook who had an entirely different approach to it than Hobi. Hobi's feedback was technical and detailed, whereas Jungkook would often hum an idea that he had, an impossible one for Yoongi's voice, and would point out little imperfections that Yoongi had never considered. It was good to listen to Hobi talk, and when they arrived at the airport, all Yoongi wanted was to get out his laptop and get to work.

His attention was immediately drawn to their Maknae line though that was already gathered in the airport lounge and spread out over three armchairs that stood facing each other. Jungkook looked strangely small, having sunk deep into his seat. He wore an oversized jacket and had his hands buried deep in his pockets. His cheeks were rosy, and the small smile on his lips seemed a little forced while both Jimin and Taehyung looked too gleeful. Yoongi moved towards the three of them without hesitation at the sight.

'Are we making fun of Jungkookie?'

Yoongi had no intention to embarrass Jungkook any further than he clearly already was, but he needed to know what they were talking about in order to put the fire out and provide an escape for him.

'No, not at all,' Jimin smiled too sweetly. The joy of the obvious lie made his eyes small. 'It's nothing to make fun of, it's perfectly normal.'

Yoongi furrowed his brow, then looked at Taehyung to get more information.

'Very normal,' he nodded, grinning. 'The joy of adolescence.'

There was nowhere for him to sit, so Yoongi squeezed himself onto the armrest of Taehyung's seat. Long arms immediately wrapped around his middle. Jungkook watched, bit the inside of his lower lip, then muttered, 'I'll go get coffee.'

'No, stay.' Jimin buried his hand in the fabric of Jungkook's jacket before he could even get up. 'We'll stop laughing, I promise.'

'Promise,' Taehyung echoed a little stupidly. Yoongi couldn't see his face anymore, but it was obvious that he was still enjoying himself too much.

'What's there to laugh about? Why are you torturing him?'

Yoongi tried to make the question sound casual, but he was well aware that he didn't quite manage it. He also immediately regretted it when Jungkook shook his head rather forcefully and mumbled, 'Nothing.'

'Oh come on,' Jimin whined, a smile still on his face. 'Don't be so embarrassed. I'm sure Hyung won't judge you any more than we do. We're just teasing.' He looked at Yoongi then. 'I walked in on Kookie last night. Please tell him it's not a big deal?'

The rising need to protect Jungkook flared up even more intensely at his words, but it was at war with the sudden heat settling in his groin. All indecent thoughts about Jungkook had become so much harder to ignore since his birthday. Since he'd learned what Jungkook looked like, sounded like, maybe a bit of what he liked. Yoongi didn't need the image in his head, especially not right now, surrounded by people, and yet it was impossible to disregard. He swallowed, shook his head a little, kept his gaze off of Jungkook with determination, then chose reason when he spoke.

'If it's not a big deal then why are you telling everyone about it? Why does Taehyung-ah know?'

Jimin tilted his head at him, at once considering and judgemental of his too serious reaction. He had wanted someone to join the teasing, not someone to chide him.

'I haven't told everyone. I told Taehyung-ah because that's where I went after I was exiled from Jungkookie's room.'

'And now you told me.'

'You're his Suga Hyung,' Jimin complained. 'Really, do you think it's a big deal? Really?'

'Of course not.'

'Then why aren't we laughing about it?'

'Why did you have his key card?'

Jimin rolled his eyes.

'I was supposed to come over.'

'I forgot,' Jungkook mumbled. 'I'm sorry. Can we just not talk about this?'

'Well, Kookie,' Taehyung rejoined them, 'I also make use of international porn, there's no shame in that. I think it's the first thing we all did when we traveled abroad, no?'

Again, Jimin tilted his head, this time at Taehyung.

'You really don't know how to get porn in Korea?'

Yoongi tuned them out. At least Taehyung's response, some kind of defense about illegal websites and the joy of free and legal content. Instead, he finally allowed himself to look at Jungkook. Their eyes met immediately, and Jungkook ducked his head a little. He was clearly embarrassed, but when he looked at Yoongi there was also something else in his gaze. This conversation meant something different between them. Jungkook knew that it did. That it put thoughts into Yoongi's mind. His ears were still pink, but he also bit down on the hint of a smirk.

Subtly, Yoongi stretched his leg out to knock his foot against Jungkook's shin without looking at it, without drawing attention to it.

'Please, Hyung.' Taehyung's hands tightened around Yoongi's waist as he addressed him. 'Tell Jimin Hyung that there's a difference.'

'A difference in what?'

'American and Korean porn.'

Yoongi leaned his head back with a sigh.

'You can get American porn in Korea if you know where to look. There's no novelty in it.'

Jimin's laugh was too loud.

'You've hung out with Namjoon Hyung too much,' Taehyung muttered at the same time. 'You've been corrupted.'

'Speaking of Namjoon Hyung,' Jimin grinned. 'Did your dinner with him get you all worked up, Kook-ah? Was it that?'

Jungkook groaned and let his head fall forward into his hands.

'I hate you both,' he muttered.

'Both? Not Yoongi Hyung?'

Jungkook looked up again and let his gaze flicker between Jimin and Taehyung for a second.

'He's my favourite,' he decided, for the first time with an audience. 'He's perfect.'

It was such an exaggerated bit of praise, it made everyone laugh, only the way that Jungkook's eyes caressed Yoongi a second later wasn't casual or in any way lighthearted. As impossible as it was, it felt like Jungkook wasn't lying. Yoongi had to avert his gaze when he felt his cheeks warm up.

'Don't be like that, Kookie,' Jimin tried again and leaned forward to rub his hand over Jungkook's shoulder. 'You know we're not serious, right? You know how many times I've made use of the single rooms on this tour?'

'Can we just talk about something else?'

Jimin sighed, then leaned back in his chair.

'Fine. How was the dinner, really? Did you have fun?'

Jungkook only hummed. When Jimin slapped his upper arm for it, he offered more details about the food at least, and Yoongi was left to listen to them navigate their conversation back towards something more safe. Only his mind was still stuck on what he had just heard. On the idea of what Jimin had seen last night. It obviously wasn't the dinner or Namjoon that had made Jungkook feel needy. Maybe it was the same things that drove Yoongi crazy these days. All the small touches, the looks, the glimpses of bare skin backstage, the seconds that they stole when no one saw. Brushing hands and secret smiles and lingering hugs. Some days, Yoongi could barely control himself, could barely keep himself from pushing Jungkook up against the nearest wall or taking his hand to drag him away from the others and somewhere secluded.

When Jungkook reached out for him now, a shy touch to his thigh to get his attention, he felt his heartbeat pick up and thrum against his chest too eagerly.

'How was the game, Hyung?'

Yoongi had to clear his throat, had to give himself a second before he could even gather his thoughts enough to respond.

'Good. You should have come.' It was a second before he added, tearing his eyes away from Jungkook alone, 'You all should have come.'

'You can watch sports at home,' Jungkook at once countered.

'You really think watching something online replaces real life?'

'Apparently he does,' Taehyung said knowingly, followed by a laugh and a meaningful look at Jimin who caught on easily and joined his laughter. Jungkook only sank deeper into his seat.

'How long am I going to hear about this?' he whined. 'Seriously?'

There was more laughter, and he was saved only by Namjoon ushering them to the door with a loud announcement that the weather in Chicago was supposedly horrendous and that they were lucky to be able to fly at all. With a pout, Jungkook got up immediately at his approach and stuck to Namjoon from then on. Giving Jimin a glare, he found a seat next to his leader on the plane while Yoongi got his laptop out across the isle. The phantom touch of Jungkook's hand on his thigh still lingered.

Chapter Text

Yoongi felt annoyed with himself, annoyed with his own weakness, when he knocked on Jungkook's door late at night. At the same time, he knew it had been a long time coming. And whatever would or would not happen tonight, he had promised Jungkook that they wouldn't change, that they would still spend time together, and there was nothing wrong with doing just that. They had agreed to take a break, but they had never agreed to stay away from each other completely, and Yoongi was tired of it. Even if they couldn't have it all, he wanted that feeling of having Jungkook to himself, he wanted the way it felt when it was just the two of them and there was nothing to hide. He wanted it badly enough to take the first step, to make his way to Jungkook's room rather than waiting as he usually did.

Jungkook was quick to open the door for him, and it soothed the remaining worries Yoongi felt about taking things too far. Asking for something Jungkook didn't want. He barely had a second to take Jungkook in, soft black clothes, bare face, bare feet, before a strong hand grabbed the collar of his shirt and made him stumble forward.

'Hyung.'

Jungkook kicked the door shut behind him, then his arms wrapped tightly around Yoongi's upper body and pulled him in close. It only took a second for Yoongi to catch on. He brought his hands to Jungkook's back where he let them map out the broad planes of his shoulders and the muscles right below. When he sighed, it was a sound that Jungkook echoed twice as long. Even just this, just a hug, was something that had become too charged for when they were with the others. During the second half of last year, they had been glued together backstage uncaring of who had their eyes on them, but now every touch felt dangerous.

It had been a long while since they'd been allowed a moment like this and Yoongi let the relief of it flood his body bit by bit. He felt a weight lift off his shoulders, felt his heart flutter with the closeness of Jungkook's body against his, with the familiarity of his scent and the sound of his hum right by his ear and the strength of his chest pressing against his own. At some point during the last few months, Jungkook had become an addiction even more than he had already been before, and touching him like this made his entire body thrum with satisfaction.

It was late enough for the other members to have retired to their rooms, but not too late for them to be awake. There was time. Finally. Chicago had greeted them with a cold front and strong winds that had developed into the warning signs of a thunderstorm throughout the early evening and that confined them all to the hotel. For once, no one had talked about going out or otherwise making the most of the night. No one had suggested yet another documentary shoot.

Behind Jungkook's back, Yoongi could see that the curtains were still open, and that heavy drops of rain had started to splatter against the windows in the short time it had taken him to leave his own room and find Jungkook's. Other than that it was quiet. There was no sound of the TV, no music, no game that Yoongi was interrupting. Maybe Jungkook had really been waiting for him.

When Yoongi tried to pull back, Jungkook's hold around him tightened. Another deep sigh brushed against Yoongi's neck and he felt Jungkook breathe him in right by his nape, his hair. In response, Yoongi let his hands roam over his back once more, then settled on his waist where his body was so narrow, yet so strong.

'Kook-ah,' he mumbled, for no particular reason. He had missed him. God, he was going to burst with how much he missed him every single day, no matter how often he saw him. Having Jungkook around but not being allowed to appreciate him the way he wanted to had always been a struggle, but it had doubled and tripled ever since their relationship had started to change last year.

The rain outside became harder, more aggressive, and the increasing sound finally drew Jungkook's attention. He pulled back to look over at the windows where the room was reflected, but his arms remained loosely thrown around Yoongi's shoulders.

'Do you think we need to worry about the shows?' he asked.

'Not yet. They said the worst of it will hit tonight. It's good that it does now.'

Jungkook nodded. He'd heard the same information Yoongi had at their debrief after they had spent hours freezing their asses off on stage during today's rehearsal.

'Hyung,' Jungkook said again. 'I watched you dance earlier. You're still doing it wrong.'

Yoongi leaned his head back with a groan and brought his hands to Jungkook's wrists deliberately to free himself of his hold.

'Stop being a hard-ass,' he smiled as he stepped past him.

'I'm just saving you from Hobi Hyung seeing.'

He did have a point, and Yoongi threw a look that told him so over his shoulder.

'Show me again tomorrow then.'

'Maybe.'

'Maybe?'

Yoongi had walked over to the largest window which was the only place to be other than the bed, so for now it was the safest option. He looked back at Jungkook once more who was still standing near the door, just watching him. Before he gave a response, Jungkook raised his hand to the key card switch on the wall. He pulled the card out and all at once the lights in the room turned off, leaving them in the dark.

'I don't know if it's safe,' Jungkook said from over by the door where Yoongi could only see his silhouette as his eyes had not gotten used to the dark yet. He could see well enough though to realise that Jungkook was coming towards him. There had to be a reason for the darkness, and Yoongi understood when he turned back towards the window and could see the skyline now rather than his own reflection.

'What do you mean?'

He was a little distracted by the beauty of the black, raging sky and the way that the buildings below glistened with the wetness of the downpour. As he took in the city and its lights through the window shimmering with raindrops, Jungkook came up beside him, just close enough for their upper arms to touch, but not as close as Yoongi wanted him to be.

'It messes with my head when I touch you. It's like I never know how to stop.'

Jungkook spoke softly, and the sound of the rain almost swallowed his confession. It wasn't a tease, wasn't said with a smirk, wasn't meant to make Yoongi laugh. Yoongi was transported right back on stage a few days ago, when Jungkook's hands had been on his hips, his body so close, his skin tingling. Jungkook was right of course. It wasn't smart to trust that they could be in each other's space that way without drawing attention to themselves.

'I thought that was just me.'

In response, Jungkook's hand found his wrist in the dark. His fingers brushed over his skin right by his pulse point, and Yoongi, embarrassingly enough, had to close his eyes to keep his breathing steady. He twitched with the need to reach for Jungkook's hand, to intertwine his fingers with his own, but Jungkook's hand dropped again before Yoongi could move. Another sigh hit Yoongi's ears.

Jungkook had smiled a minute ago when he had opened the door, but now there was something melancholy about him that Yoongi was only just picking up on. It had been there in the way he had hugged him, in the way he had just spoken, in the way he'd wanted them to be surrounded by darkness.

'Are you feeling okay?'

It took Jungkook a moment to give him an agreeing hum.

'Yeah?' Yoongi asked. He thought back on today, tried to find cues about what it might be that was on Jungkook's mind. 'You're not really angry with Jimin-ah?'

'No.' To Yoongi's relief, Jungkook let out a small huff of a laugh. 'It's just embarrassing, that's all. Even if it's just Jimini Hyung.'

'He shouldn't have told anyone. He's too shameless.'

Yoongi was well aware of how distracted he sounded. His voice got deep with how he mumbled, deep enough for Jungkook to maybe have trouble understanding him. He'd been able to brush the image Jimin had created for him away this morning when they had been with the others, but it was a lot harder now that they were alone and in the dark. Last time both of that had been true, Jungkook had been straddling his thighs, had rubbed down against him, had panted into his mouth so prettily.

'I'm just glad he didn't see or hear what I was watching.'

Again, Jungkook's words weren't said to be arousing, at least Yoongi didn't think so, and yet it was hard not to react to them. Not to imagine Jungkook like that, his eyes glued to the screen of his phone, a hand down his briefs.

'It's really all guys for you right now, huh?'

It still was a little hard for Yoongi to believe that Jungkook wasn't just trying to please him, wasn't just trying to be included, or to not be considered too young. Even when he had gone through enough of the motions with Yoongi to prove to him that his attraction was real.

'In real life, it's just one guy.'

There it was again, that strange sadness in Jungkook's voice that Yoongi hadn't expected tonight. It wasn't that rare that Jungkook was in a mood, that he was lost in thoughts or hung up on something or just feeling overwhelmed, but there had been no trigger tonight that Yoongi could point out.

'And it makes you sad?'

It was a shot in the dark, but Jungkook's silence was answer enough. This was about them. About Yoongi. As impossible as it was.

'I just miss you, Hyung,' Jungkook all but whispered. 'I said yes to distance because I couldn't see another option, but it's not what I want.'

'It's not what I want either.'

There were so many things Yoongi wanted to say, so many confessions he wanted to make, but he found himself tongue-tied. All he could do was reach for Jungkook's hand in the dark. They had stood like this before, he remembered, in some other hotel room he'd forgotten the city of. One night with Jungkook blurred into the next. Last summer he had thought it would be a phase, after Paris he had thought it would certainly be over, all throughout the winter he had waited for it to end. Now it was May and they were still here.

'Kook-ah,' he said against the steadily more aggressive splattering of the rain. 'It won't be like this for much longer. It can't be, okay?'

'It's not a choice that you made without me. I'm not just waiting for you to come around. I might not be as terrified of telling the others, but it's not easy for me, either.'

'Okay. That's... It's good to hear.'

'Just promise me you won't hook up with anyone else. Not while we... While we figure this out.'

Yoongi waited for the laugh to follow his words, but it didn't come. He turned and dropped Jungkook's hand, but only to raise his right hand up to his face. Even in the dark he could see him well enough now that he had gotten used to the lack of light.

'What the fuck do you think? I've gone years without being with anyone, you think I'll try and make it happen now?'

He let his index finger run down Jungkook's jaw, then brought it up again to the little birth mark below his lip. It wasn't visible in the low light, but Yoongi knew that it was there. He knew what it tasted like.

'Maybe it'll happen to you.'

'It won't.'

'I don't know. I was too busy processing last year. Now, I look at all the guys around you and in my head they all want you. Maybe you want them.'

Yoongi felt himself smile with the memory of Jungkook's possessive side showing, of him scowling at L.A.'s radio host so needlessly.

'You really think you wouldn't be able to tell when I want someone?'

'How would I...' Jungkook started, then faltered when Yoongi's thumb brushed over his lower lip. 'Oh.'

Yoongi had to lean up a little to kiss him. He brought his hands around the back of Jungkook's neck, felt his hot skin there raised lightly with goosebumps, felt him shudder slightly at the touch. Distant thunder rolled over Chicago when their lips met. It wasn't an urgent kiss, not yet, but Yoongi felt the promise of it take over his body in a persuasive wave. Everything he was forced to ignore during the day rose up inside of him at once and made him press closer to Jungkook without thinking.

Jungkook's lips opened easily under his own, but they moved more slowly than they had in the past. The sigh that got lost in the kiss somewhere made Yoongi draw back a little, yet when he did, Jungkook followed him, unwilling to break away. He pressed another kiss to Yoongi's lips, sweet and soft, then leaned his forehead against Yoongi's. He looked down as Yoongi let his hand run over his chest nearly a little absent-mindedly and followed the line of his fingers with his eyes.

'This is not taking a break,' he sighed, his voice low. Again, thunder rumbled outside, closer this time. 'This just makes me miss you more.'

It was Yoongi's turn to nod. To silently agree. He knew what Jungkook was saying. During the last few weeks he'd felt the same confused exhilaration and hope that was always closely followed by doubt and reason. It was becoming exhausting. Difficult to keep up with. If they did this now, what about a next time? What about distance? What about how hard it would be to stop?

'Hyung,' Jungkook continued, the word brushing against Yoongi's lips like a caress, 'I still think about your birthday. All the time.'

Yoongi closed his eyes, nodded, looked down at the floor. Then he stepped away from Jungkook and dropped his hand from his chest. He didn't have any strength left to hesitate when he closed the distance between him and the bed where he sank down onto the edge of the mattress. He looked over at Jungkook, and even in the dark he could see his chest and shoulders rise with the deep breath that he took. Their eyes met, Jungkook's shoulders lowered again, and then he started walking.

Yoongi knew that he was making a choice. Both of the were. Everything Jungkook had said, they weren't just words. He was asking a question, was asking for more, for commitment maybe, and Yoongi's response was this. His hands stretched out to touch Jungkook as soon as he was within reach, he held on to his hips, guided him right in front of him, then pulled, until there was nowhere else for Jungkook to go other than where Yoongi wanted him. He moved back a little on the mattress as Jungkook's thighs spread over his own so addictively. His hands mapped out Jungkook's hips, a little lower, so that the tips of his thumbs could brush over the junctures of his thighs.

'I miss you too, Kook-ah,' he whispered. The room lit up with far away lightning, then another crack of thunder hit. 'And I don't know how to stop touching you, either. You're in my head all the damn time.'

In response to his words, Jungkook's weight seemed to become heavier in his lap, as if he was subconsciously leaning into him, needing to be closer. Like this, Jungkook was looking down at him, and the sight of him nearly made Yoongi feel dizzy. He was so beautiful, so vulnerable in the way he looked at him, so full of trust and hope and need. Yoongi wanted to do right by him so badly. He needed to, more than anything.

'As long as that's true, we'll figure the rest out, right?'

Jungkook's forehead pressed against his own, and so he had to feel the small nod Yoongi gave him.

'Yeah. It'll always be true.'

Jungkook's lips brushed against his own, his hands came around to the back of his neck to run over his skin right by his nape.

'You won't always have to miss me, I hope. And you don't have to stop.'

The way that Yoongi's grip tightened around Jungkook's waist was instinctive. There was nothing he could do about the need to pull him closer, the sigh that fell from his lips when Jungkook's body rolled down and into his. They were so close, he was pretty sure that Jungkook could feel the twitch of his cock, the way he hardened against his thigh. With how late it was, they were both in sweatpants, comfortable, impossible to hide in.

Yoongi felt the hot rush of Jungkook's breath when he gasped against his lips and rolled his hips down again. They were close enough to kiss, their lips nearly touched, but somehow they were both too distracted. The movement of Jungkook's hips was all Yoongi could focus on. He'd thought of nothing else ever since his birthday, but the memory of it didn't do the real thing justice. It had faded over time, had turned into a fantasy just like all the other ones he had about Jungkook. But this was real. This was Jungkook pressing down against him, panting against his lips, pulling at the hair in the back of his neck.

Yoongi rolled his hips up, tried to meet friction with friction, tried to pull Jungkook down harder in his lap. They were moving too quickly, were falling too fast, but he didn't care. He felt the rush of how quickly he had grown to full hardness against Jungkook, was grasping at his back and his hips desperately, his hands running underneath the fabric of his shirt where his skin was all hot and his muscles were moving so good. Jungkook's moan tasted like pure heat when Yoongi ran his one hand to his front where he toyed with the elastic of his underwear. He adjusted his hips, let Yoongi feel the hard line of his cock against his thigh, then moaned quietly again at the friction.

It had happened like this the last time. If Jungkook just moved up a little, if he fell into that same dangerously good rhythm from last time, it would be over before Yoongi could even comprehend what was happening. He could already feel Jungkook getting too eager for friction, shuffling around in his lap for just the right angle that would be the end of them both in no time.

The breath that Yoongi took was shaky, unsteady, and didn't manage to clear his head. Still he tightened his grip on Jungkook's waist once more, but instead of drawing him in closer, he started to push.

Jungkook whined in response, low and needy, and Yoongi felt a sting of heat burn through him that made his hips roll up. He kept pushing, until Jungkook got the hint and slowed down. The look he gave Yoongi was confused, almost a little hurt, worried, and Yoongi smiled back at him in reassurance. He brought his hand to Jungkook's side, guided him off of him, then followed his body when he pushed him back onto the mattress. Jungkook's answering smile nearly wrecked him. It was so full of joy, of anticipation, Yoongi had to bury his head in his shoulder for a second to regain his composure. He bit down on Jungkook's skin right there and felt his lower body rise up and against him in response.

'Kook-ah,' he whispered, right by his ear, and got a breathless laugh in return.

'Yoongi.'

He drew back and looked down at Jungkook once more, now hovering over him with his body pressed up closely against his. The sound of the rain pattering against the windows was only white noise to the song of Jungkook's breathing, all messy and loud and eager.

'You're beautiful,' Yoongi told him, then hid from him with a kiss that Jungkook answered with a lick against his lower lip. Yoongi let him, allowed their tongues to touch, and revelled in the sound it drew from Jungkook. He had one leg between Jungkook's, but not quite, and felt him try and roll his hips up and against him. Yoongi didn't let him. Not yet. They had taken no time at all on his birthday, and he'd never had Jungkook underneath him this pliantly. He wanted to make a little bit more of it, even with how he was pulsing with need himself.

Jungkook threw his head back when Yoongi kissed the corner of his mouth, his jaw, then down to his neck. He had always loved touching Jungkook there, had loved how sensitive he seemed, but it was something else altogether to drag his tongue over his hot skin and kiss along the collar of his shirt, along his collar bones and to his Adam's apple, then to behind his ear which was when Jungkook's hips rolled up again.

He needed one hand to hold himself up, but his other was free to run underneath Jungkook's shirt once more. He drew it up as far as it would go with Jungkook laying on his back, then ran his hand over his exposed belly, his abs, his chest. He could not only hear how heavy Jungkook's breathing had become, but could feel it under his touch, and it was such a heady sensation, he felt his own breathing quicken in response. He rolled his hips down against Jungkook's when it became too hard not to, let Jungkook's answering moan burn through him, then bit down on the soft skin of his neck. When he ran a finger over his nipple, Jungkook's lower body arched up again and he let out a gasp so pretty, Yoongi rewarded it with a soft kiss to the skin he'd just abused.

'Hyung,' Jungkook breathed once more, so different from how Yoongi usually heard it. His hands were running over his back a little aimlessly, yet perfect. When Yoongi let him breathe for a second he felt him draw up the fabric of his shirt on his back, felt him scratch his nails lightly over his skin and make him shudder. 'Yoongi,' he whispered. 'Fuck, Yoongi.'

Another grind down against Jungkook's thigh had him arch up again, but Yoongi still didn't allow him any friction. It was too good to hear him pant like this, to feel him grow a little more desperate with each second that went by. Only Jungkook didn't tolerate it for much longer. He caressed his back for another second, mapped out the planes of his shoulders and his sides, then whined with another attempt at aligning their hips and ended up pushing Yoongi off of him with strong hands against his chest. They rolled to their sides, their faces close, Jungkook's hand tight on Yoongi's waist.

Yoongi's heart was beating so hard, he wondered how it hadn't burst out of his chest yet. Out of his own and into Jungkook's. He shuddered with the feeling of Jungkook's thumb rubbing over his hip where it met the fabric of his sweats and briefs. Every single touch set him alight, and the need between his legs was aching so good, he had nothing to compare it to. All he knew was that he needed Jungkook's body against his own, needed his touch, his pleasure, the sounds of his fucked up breathing more than anything.

He wanted Jungkook's shirt off. But when he brought his hand to his side, up high where the fabric had gotten stuck, he was distracted by the feeling of fingertips inching over his lower stomach. Jungkook had looked at him a moment ago, had seemed ready to roll him onto his back and press up against him once more until it became too much, but now his gaze had dropped down between their bodies and Yoongi watched him swallow, heard him take a shaky breath, a calming one. His fingertips met Yoongi's waistband.

It took all Yoongi had in him not to roll his hips forward instinctively. Not to overwhelm Jungkook any more than he clearly already was. He was breathing so hard, was biting the inside of his own lip now as his fingers pushed below the elastic. Yoongi felt himself grow in anticipation, felt his belly drop when he realised what Jungkook was considering. He throbbed for relief so badly that even waiting another second felt impossible, and yet he did, he waited, followed Jungkook's gaze down to watch his fingers toy with the fabric.

He had to bite down on a moan when he took in the sight of them. Jungkook's hips were so close, the bulge in his sweats so obvious, so hot. They were almost touching. There was hardly any room between them, just enough for Jungkook's hesitant hand. Yoongi bit his lower lip when he watched Jungkook's thumb draw back his waistband to let his cock move up a little more until it was nearly resting against his belly, the head so damn close to Jungkook's fingers it took his breath away.

He heard the breath that Jungkook took right before he let his thumb move lower, above his briefs but inside his shorts. When he brushed over the clothed head of his cock, Yoongi bit his lip so hard it hurt. The promise of pleasure pulsed through him hotly, insistingly, and he couldn't help the desperate arching forward of his hips. Jungkook's thumb rubbed against his head only once, slowly, yet so good. Then he let out another sharp breath, one that he'd clearly been holding, and his eyes snapped back up to Yoongi's.

There was heat in his eyes, so much darkness and need and desire, but there was also something more. Something unsure and overwhelmed and nervous. It was so obvious to Yoongi that he would have been able to tell even without hearing the sudden trembling in his breath. It was enough to reach for Jungkook's wrist. Enough to give up the idea of Jungkook's hand in an instant.

Slowly, he pulled both of their hands back up between them. It took more willpower than he wanted to admit.

'It's okay that you're nervous,' he mumbled. 'No need to try so hard to pretend.'

He had always loved Jungkook's confidence, but he loved his honesty even more. It was raw in moments like these, when he hesitated, when he trembled in Yoongi's arms with sudden uncertainty, when his eyes became wide once more, and Yoongi loved it as much as he admired his surety any other time.

Still moving slowly enough to let Jungkook stop him any time he wanted to, he rolled himself back on top of him, one leg between his thighs, just enough space between their hips, their faces close.

'I can be nervous and still want to do this.'

Jungkook's voice was little more than breath. Shaky, nervous, but there was also anticipation and need and a little turned on whine when Yoongi propped himself up over him more surely and his cock brushed Jungkook's thigh for a second.

Yoongi hummed in response and let his hand run over Jungkook's chest, down between their bodies where he met exposed skin right below the bunched up fabric of Jungkook's shirt. He curled his fingers in Jungkook's waistband.

'Maybe it's still easier this way,' he murmured against his lips. It wasn't a selfless suggestion, even though he made it sound like he was thinking only of Jungkook. His own heart was beating high up in his throat, but it wasn't the bad kind of nerves. 'For now. For tonight.'

Jungkook's lashes fluttered against Yoongi's cheekbone when his eyes fell close for a long moment. Yoongi watched him swallow, heard him take a deep breath, felt his nod more than he saw it. They were too close.

'Yeah?' he asked, his fingers inching a little lower, a little closer.

'Please,' was the response he got, a breathy plea that lit Yoongi on fire. Jungkook's hips rose up again, desperate, and this time Yoongi took pity on him.

There shouldn't have been any distance left between them to erase, but Yoongi felt the physical sensation of what it meant when he rubbed his palm over the hardness of Jungkook's cock. Jungkook's breath caught in his throat, a sound so heady Yoongi felt it rush through his body like a drug. He'd never touched Jungkook like this, few people ever had, and he couldn't wrap his head around it, couldn't make himself process right now. There was heat, so much of it, Jungkook's cock was so hard, probably aching, and perfectly addicting to the touch. It instantly wasn't enough anymore.

Over the fabric of his shorts and briefs, Yoongi brought his hand around him, tried to give him as much friction as he could, mapped him out under his touch as he rubbed him up and down. Jungkook arched up against him so shamelessly, there was no hint of the nerves left that Yoongi had just seen. He seemed entirely lost to the touch, to the sensation, and Yoongi couldn't say that he felt any different. All he could focus on was the heat under his palm, the hardness, the eagerness of Jungkook's hips and the panting of his breath.

'Feel so good,' he breathed, right into Jungkook's ear, by his neck, and Jungkook ground his hips up against him in response. There were no words, it seemed, only another whine, more shaky exhales. 'More?'

Jungkook's nod was so frantic, Yoongi found himself smiling against his skin despite how he was pulsing for relief so hard himself, he barely knew how to hold on anymore.

'You can tell me no,' he whispered as he rolled back the fabric of Jungkook's sweats, of his briefs. His fingers brushed against hot skin and Jungkook's whole body shook underneath him.

'I won't last, I...' The words tumbled into each other, messy and hot and shameless, and Yoongi couldn't help it when he ground his hips down against Jungkook's thigh in response. 'Hyung,' Jungkook gasped, the word cut off by a moan that Yoongi echoed, his hips rising up again. His cock brushed against Yoongi's knuckles and Yoongi forced his hips to still as he moved to wrap his hand around him, finally.

Jungkook felt hot and heavy under his touch, thrillingly unfamiliar, but at the same time perfectly right. The moan Jungkook let out when Yoongi tightened his grip around him was too loud, but neither of them cared. There was wetness that met Yoongi's thumb, Jungkook was pulsing in his grip, was bucking his hips up in small motions, asking for more. Yoongi had meant to take things slow, to really take his time, to focus fully on Jungkook and his every reaction, but his resolve crumbled entirely the second he brushed his thumb over the head and felt Jungkook's whole body jerk.

It had been too long for both of them, and Yoongi ground his hips down again at the same time at which Jungkook gasped with pleasure and tried chasing it with his whole body. Jungkook's thigh was enough, it was already too much. He'd never been more turned on in his life, the feeling of Jungkook's cock throbbing under his palm was enough to make Yoongi forget about everything that wasn't the pleasure building for both of them.

'Yoongi, Yoongi,' Jungkook breathed, sounding entirely out of it, and Yoongi brushed their lips together instead of trying to find words to say. It was impossible, anyways. 'Fuck, so good, so, fuck, Yoongi, more,' Jungkook muttered, the words falling off of his lips in a messy tangle, entirely unfiltered. Yoongi sped up his hand on him, gave up on learning every inch of him slowly and deliberately, and instead focused only on pleasure, on heat, on tightness and friction and speed.

'Yes,' Jungkook gasped, the word lost against Yoongi's mouth. Yoongi couldn't help how his hips sped up, how he chased his own orgasm alongside him. He couldn't have stopped even if he had wanted to. The fabric of his sweats dimmed every sensation, but at the same time it rubbed against the head of his cock so good it had him shuddering with it. He knew he was leaking, knew he'd be sliding against Jungkook's thigh so good if there were time to get his clothing out of the way, but there wasn't. He was too lost in it. Jungkook was tensing up underneath him, was gripping at his waist with too much force, was pressing his head back into the pillow so hard.

He wanted to ask again, wanted to make sure it was enough, that it was what Jungkook liked, the speed and the tightness and the way his thumb rubbed right under his head when he could focus enough, but the only words he could get out were, 'Fuck, Koo.'

He allowed his hips to speed up when his orgasm built, didn't even hesitate or think. Jungkook was so hard under his touch, felt so good, so wet, was growing more when Yoongi bit down on his lower lip and kissed a low groan into his skin. The little cut off moans Jungkook was letting out turned frantic, desperate, quicker and quicker, and Yoongi tried to match them with the thrusts of his hips and the movement of his hand.

Another second and Jungkook was all tension, all heat and need and a frantic, 'Yoongi,' before he pulsed under Yoongi's palm. Yoongi was right there with him, but he forced himself to slow down just for a second, to focus on nothing but the wetness spilling over his fingers, the sound of Jungkook's moan, his fucked up breathing, his cock throbbing in his grip. Yoongi had to hold his breath to keep himself from coming, had to still entirely except for his thumb that rubbed over the sensitive head of Jungkook's cock again, and his palm that rubbed down his shaft. He felt Jungkook twitch once more, felt him scratch his nails over his waist with a small sob.

'Hyung, you, please,' he muttered, entirely spent now, and Yoongi all but broke. He rolled his hips forward once more, felt the wave of stalled pleasure rush over him without pause, and gasped against Jungkook's lips so harshly it was more of a groan. Jungkook's hands on his waist were urging him on, pulling him in, he tried to raise his hips, to give him more friction, and Yoongi let his body chase it now, let his hips grind down in small circles, building the pleasure, the heat, the relief.

With Jungkook's body pressed against his own like this, it took nothing at all. Yoongi came with a groan, felt Jungkook's responding shudder, the weak twitch of his cock against his wet palm. It took him apart entirely, his gasp into Jungkook's mouth was all heat and relief and pure pleasure. He rode it out until the friction became too much, until a small laugh left his lips, uncontrolled and careless. Without thinking about it he tightened his hand around Jungkook's softening cock, ran it up his shaft once more, felt the wetness there with a sense of heady disbelief.

Jungkook shuddered under the touch so violently he knocked his knee into Yoongi's side and his nails scratched over his waist too hard.

'Fuck, Hyung,' he gasped, but his hips seemed to somehow chase the friction despite the overstimulation. So Yoongi did it again, rubbed up and down his cock painfully slowly, and though the twitch he felt under his palm was weak, Jungkook's moan wasn't. 'Stop, stop,' he stumbled over the words, but his hips rose up either way.

Yoongi rubbed his thumb over the head, felt a last drop of come dribble over his skin, heard Jungkook hiss, then he drew back and let him breathe. Let himself breathe.

It took a long, long moment before he could feel anything other than the overwhelming buzzing of relief and pleasure. A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth, he sighed, then leaned down to press a kiss to Jungkook's lips.

'You're perfect,' he whispered. It was something he'd told him before, but never like this. 'You're perfect,' he said again. He knew that Jungkook understood when he pulled him down into another kiss, sweet and breathless.

There were so many things Yoongi still had to learn about Jungkook, like whether he liked to stay close after moments like these or needed his space. What he knew was that he didn't like a mess, that he showered more than the other members did, and so he guessed they didn't have much time before Jungkook would want to clean up, even when for now he was still just breathing hard and looking up at the ceiling with a bit of a disbelieving smile on his face.

Without taking much care to clean him up, Yoongi drew his briefs back up, then pulled his shirt down to where it stuck to Jungkook's sticky chest. He wiped his hand on it without looking down. If he got as much as a glance of Jungkook like this, his belly all wet and his skin glistening, he wasn't sure how long he'd last before he'd get hard again. With another sigh, he lowered himself down onto Jungkook, disregarding the damp fabric between them.

After a while, Jungkook finally spoke.

'Is it always like this?'

Yoongi could feel his chest rise with his words, felt the slight trembling in his chest. They were so close. He never wanted to be anywhere else again.

'Not for me, no.'

What point was there in lying?

'Not for me, either.'

Yoongi hid his smile in Jungkook's neck. He could feel how breathless he still was, and he loved every single sign, every bit of proof that he wasn't the only one that had lost his mind a little.

They were quiet for another long moment before Jungkook spoke again, his voice even lower this time.

'I really wanted to. Touch you. I just got overwhelmed.'

At that, Yoongi propped himself up on one elbow once more and looked down at Jungkook's face in the dark. There was a soft glow to his features, something messy and satisfied that was enough to make Yoongi's insides tighten with want once more.

'I told you it's okay. Of course this messes with your head a bit. There's time, yeah?'

'You're not nervous at all? Ever?'

Yoongi thought.

'About different things, I suppose. I don't freak out over the guy part anymore, I don't think much about it. What's overwhelming is that it's you. That I get to see you like that. I always wonder if you really like it, but it seems like you do.'

The laugh that Jungkook let out was soft and happy and Yoongi died a little at how intimate it sounded.

'Yeah. God, yeah.' He took a breath, his eyes were searching for a second, then he said, 'I guess I always wanted to be close to you. It just took so long for me to realise in how many ways that's true. I've been thinking about whether it could be true for the other members, too, whether maybe I could have the same kind of revelation about them if we were close like this, but I don't think I could. I've always felt differently about you, I just never realised how.'

'There's Namjoon-ah.' It was the only thing Yoongi could say that was both a response and a diversion. 'You already said that you were attracted to him, even when you didn't realise it.'

'I guess,' Jungkook sighed. 'A long time ago. It's not like that now.'

'I know.'

'You do?'

Yoongi searched his face for any hint of how he meant his question, and it wasn't hard to make him break and find the teasing drag in the corner of his mouth. He wanted to say something about the other day, about Jungkook taking his shirt off for attention, but instead another thought came first. One that was perhaps too honest, but the things he'd never said to Jungkook before were piling up too high, were toppling over and onto his tongue more and more often these days.

'There were moments where I did feel a little jealous about him, you know? Not now. Not anymore. But they were there.'

It was a bit of a lie to claim that he had left that feeling of jealousy behind entirely, but Yoongi didn't think it mattered. Jungkook's attempt at propping himself up underneath him caused Yoongi to stumble, to sit up, and gave him the perfect way out of his suddenly too attentive gaze.

'Not now, but when? Before all of this? Before last fall?'

Yoongi shook his head.

'It doesn't matter. I just thought you'd enjoy knowing. You can make fun of it.'

The smile on Jungkook's face was bright, but once he had sat up properly and crossed his legs underneath him, he shook his head.

'I don't want to.'

Their eyes met once again, Yoongi could feel words on his tongue again, more truths, more honesty, but then Jungkook looked down his body and made a face. Yoongi had waited for it, and so he moved as if on cue and got up from the bed, wincing at the way his own clothes stuck to him. He could feel Jungkook's gaze on him, low, curious, even when he had to be familiar with all physical parts of this. And still, Yoongi remembered what it had felt like all those years ago in Daegu, the familiarity in others' bodies paired with that strange sensation of novelty. How he had wanted it all, so damn much.

Outside, the rain was still loud and heavy, and Yoongi pretended to let his attention drift. He wanted to give Jungkook all the time and comfort that he could, everything he needed to satisfy his curiosity and to process. But Jungkook didn't take him in for long. He came close again instead, wrapped his arms around Yoongi, and pressed a kiss to the top of his head in a strangely reassuring way.

'I want to shower with you some time.'

Yoongi was glad that he could hide his face in Jungkook's shoulder, glad for the few inches that the other had on him. What he couldn't hide was the way in which his breathing caught for a second.

'Yeah,' he hummed. As if they hadn't done that before, not even that long ago. But Yoongi knew that there was more on the table, that it would be different if they did that now. He didn't have the capacity to think about it right now though. Not when Jungkook had said 'some time', not 'right now'.

So Jungkook went by himself. He left the door slightly ajar, a silent invitation, and so Yoongi washed up by the sink and tried his hardest not to let his attention be caught where Jungkook was gloriously naked only a few feet away, humming under his breath and letting his hands wander over his body.

There were things they should talk about. Things they should address. But Yoongi felt too tired, satisfied, exhausted, and Jungkook seemed to feel the same way. Once clean, they returned to bed, laying close, but whispering of easier things than the ones they both knew they should say. It was easy to drift off when Jungkook eventually started to hum again and the sound blended in with the pattering of the rain.

...

The weather remained abysmal throughout their entire stay in Chicago, but didn't impact their shows other than that it had management in a constant state of worry. Glances up at the sky accompanied them the next two days, but while it rained nearly without a break, the thunder had been reserved for the one night Yoongi and Jungkook had hidden themselves from the world.

No matter how hard the weather tried, it didn't manage to put a dent in Yoongi's mood. The complicated tangle of emotions that had built up within him over the last few months was still nowhere near resolved, but he forcefully focused on only the good parts, which wasn't difficult to do as Jungkook seemed to be bouncing with joyful energy, too. Yoongi was well aware that Jungkook's mind was more complex than that, that what he was seeing was only a fraction of things, but still it was a relief to see the sadness he had witnessed the night at the hotel washed from Jungkook's face at least for the time being.

Things remained busy, and Yoongi continued to be ambiguously glad for it. While he wished for more time with Jungkook, he also knew that without the constant foot on the brake, they would too quickly return to where they had been in January and would be forced to realise they had yet to find a solution or a way forward. So Yoongi took their schedule in stride and did his best to make himself believe that it was enough to share Jungkook with the others at all times. First with the members, then with the staff, and then with the new idol group he had met parts of on Taehyung's birthday.

Their groups' schedules aligned and they were brought together backstage after their first Chicago show. Naturally, there were cameras around, the scene was perfectly set up to be documented, their bows too deep and voices too unnaturally stiff. It was only once the camera team announced that they had gathered enough footage that the formal setting broke and Yoongi felt everyone relax.

He looked around, found Jin and Hobi already wrapped up in conversation, Jimin and Taehyung were glued to their Dongsaengs as well, and Namjoon had been called over to management to discuss their evening plans. It was only Jungkook who was hovering in the back, a little unsure despite how he had just been praised elaborately by the younger group with eyes wider even than Jungkook's often were.

A part of Yoongi wanted to turn towards him, but another part was holding him back. It would be rude, he thought, to steal Jungkook's attention away right now, to claim him for himself when their juniors were around and deserved him more. So he went over to Taehyun instead, as he was the only one he'd ever had a longer conversation with and also the one standing closest to him.

'So, how's idol life?' he asked without greeting him.

'Oh, it's a lot, Yoongi Hyung,' Taehyun beamed. 'We've been really overwhelmed, but it's going well I think.'

Yoongi nodded in agreement. He never stopped having an eye on the music business, on which new groups were making a name for themselves, which songs and which producers were wanted.

'I would agree,' he nodded. Then he lowered his voice a little. 'Hey, I hope that party hasn't left a bad impression. It was late and I already had a lot to drink when we started talking.'

Taehyun was quick to wave him off though, embarrassingly enough with another bow.

'I'm the one who was plastered eventually,' he laughed nervously.

'Well, I'm sorry about that, too.'

Again, Taehyun shook his head.

'I couldn't have been happier, really.'

Yoongi nodded, then felt himself depleted of words. It wasn't shyness that often made him keep to himself, but both a lack of social energy and not knowing what else to say once the obvious had been stated.

'So, have you properly met Jungkook-ah by now?' he asked and turned around again. Jungkook was still behind him and had his eyes on Namjoon's back, as if he were desperately waiting for him to return to the group and announce their upcoming departure from the venue.

Yoongi waved, and it was easy enough to catch his attention. A moment later, Jungkook was by his side.

'Jungkook-ssi,' Taehyun bowed.

Yoongi bit down on a laugh. He could see Jungkook's ears turn red endearingly.

'Call me Hyung, please,' he managed. That alone was strange enough. 'Thank you for coming and watching the show.'

Ever the perfect idol. Whenever he wanted to be, Jungkook was polished to perfection.

'Euphoria was insane. Did you come up with the choreo?'

Yoongi didn't know what it was about Jungkook's shyness, about his strange way of being quiet and almost embarrassed around people he didn't know, that made Yoongi feel so fond of him. He loved Jungkook's confidence, loved his easy honesty and his lack of restraint around the members. But he also took a stupid pride in knowing that it was reserved for a small group of people, and particularly that he was a part of it. As he watched Jungkook bow in gratitude and continue a stumbling conversation about their set, his cheeks a little flushed, all he could think about was all the different and more personal ways in which he knew Jungkook. The most intimate sides of him.

It was a dangerous thought to have, as it brought him right back to last night, to how Jungkook hadn't been shy at all, but instead eager and wanting and vulnerable. A heavy sense of longing settled deep in his guts at the memory and Yoongi was startled by the suddenly very real danger of being betrayed by his own body. It was simply impossible to ignore the constant desire these days, to pretend, to know Jungkook this way and to force himself not to think about it any time he looked at him.

He nearly jumped when he was addressed again, when Jungkook asked him when they would return to Seoul as he had never been good at memorising their schedule. It was Yoongi who counted the days until he could sleep in his own bed again. The exhaustion of touring was already creeping up on him again slowly but surely, but was held at bay by how they hadn't crossed a major time zone yet.

It wasn't long after that that the group was broken up and they made their way towards the hotel where Yoongi was instructed to follow their physio for a session to relief the ache in his shoulder and get him ready for tomorrow night's repetition of the show. He was offered a drink afterwards, was invited to stay for room service, and so he spent the night with staff and tried to put Jungkook out of his mind.

When he woke, texts filled up his home screen again.

I'm listening to the recordings again, Jungkook had told him early in the morning. Your voice is so sexy.

Sleepily, Yoongi found their chat window. He let his thumb hover over the screen for a second, then typed with a smirk, Good morning to you too, beautiful.

He knew Jungkook would understand, would know how to read the joke, and still he received nothing but a heart in response half an hour later when he came out of the shower. He looked at it for a long time, then again downstairs in the lobby and on the way to the studio where they were scheduled to film before heading back to the venue. He failed to see the humour in the response, no matter how hard he looked for it. Several times he let a mirroring heart fill his text window, but he didn't send it. Logically, he knew it wouldn't mean much, and still he felt hesitant.

'Have you seen the fireworks yet?' was the first thing Jungkook said to him that day, right after they had been dropped off at the venue and were gathering backstage in preparation for their rehearsal.

'Fireworks?'

'After the show. They're different from Love Yourself.'

Yoongi rolled his shoulder, then got up from the couch he had been sitting on. They were already being waved over towards the door from where they would be led towards the stage next.

'They are?'

Yoongi was well aware that Jungkook stayed after concerts to watch the firework finale from time to time, mostly together with Jimin or Taehyung, but Yoongi had never been too interested. After a show he ached all over, and he was thrumming with energy only for so long before the exhaustion hit and he noticed all the ways in which his body hurt.

'I'll show you,' Jungkook nodded with a smile. 'After rehearsal.'

Yoongi had no idea what he meant, whether he'd taken a video of last night's fireworks or only wanted to tell him in more detail, but he nodded anyways. Whatever Jungkook wanted, he'd give it to him. Jungkook gave him a smile, one that wasn't at all shy or unsure, one that made Yoongi worry about whether he had been right in agreeing so quickly. Generally, he trusted Jungkook's judgement, he knew he was reasonable most of the time, and yet there was something gleaming in his eyes that made it impossible for Yoongi to think of anything other than Jungkook's thinly veiled promise to be alone together after rehearsal.

He danced lazily, his thoughts distracted. He went through his solo performance without making any changes to last night's version, he corrected a few of the lights, adjusted his in ear monitor levels, and nodded when Namjoon wanted to discuss a rap with him. And then they were done without any major points of argument or disagreement. After so many nights on tour, they had developed a routine that they were happy enough with. Even when the extension shows were different and still required adjustment, they had once more improved their communication over the last few months.

Jungkook found him as they walked back down the thrust stage and headed towards the backstage area where they would stay and kill time eating and warming up their bodies until the stadium had filled. He walked close to him, but didn't say anything. Together they fell back and let the others and the staff pass by, then Jungkook nudged his elbow and directed him left when the rest of them went straight down the tunnel that led underneath the stadium and towards the backstage area. Instead of heading there, they made their way below the stage, over cables and equipment, ducking their heads every now and then to avoid beams and low hanging tech.

'There's fireworks down here?' Yoongi asked, his voice deliberately heavy with scepticism.

Jungkook only hummed.

'You can see them from over there.'

They reached an opening in the construction, the other side of the stage, where they were hidden from the potential view of a crowd but could see the open sky.

'At night.'

'Yeah. Not now, of course.'

Then why had Jungkook taken him here? A look around proved that he had chosen their spot well. There was no one around, not even venue workers or staff. Backstage, no one would immediately miss them. There were too many unassuming places they could have wandered off to, from the bathroom to the gym to the wall of stadium history they had been told about.

An hour ago, Yoongi had gotten excited about Jungkook's suggestion, had looked forward to it like he had in Daegu when he had met someone's eyes and known they would see each other after a show. Now, he suddenly felt nervous. What if the reason for them being here wasn't a good one? What if Jungkook was getting as tired of waiting for something to give as he was? What if he had made a choice by himself?

Nothing in the way Jungkook now came closer to him suggested that he was about to end things, and yet Yoongi felt his throat constrict. It was instinct that made him wrap his arms around Jungkook's upper body when he was close enough, but really he wanted to know what Jungkook was thinking or planning more than anything else. Instead of an answer, he got his lips. Soft and familiar, pressing against Yoongi's without any urgency and yet with intent.

'Koo,' Yoongi sighed. 'Not here.'

Jungkook's answering hum made Yoongi's lower lip tingle. Then he drew back.

'I know,' he nodded, though he echoed the sigh Yoongi had just let out. 'I know.'

He took a step back, then moved to stand next to Yoongi instead and looked up at the sky as if it would indeed light up with fireworks any second. Yoongi followed his gaze. There was nothing to see but dark clouds and the prospect of more rain.

'Why are we here?'

He had to force himself to ask, had to hold on to the conviction that the anxiety of not knowing was worse than anything Jungkook could have to say, even when he knew that it was a lie.

'There's no one else here. That's why.'

Yoongi rolled his eyes, but Jungkook couldn't see it as he was still looking up at the sky.

'You worry me when you're like that. I know there's something you want to say.'

It might have been there last night, too, but they had solved it all by falling into bed together. It had been a good enough distraction even when Yoongi had sensed that something was on Jungkook's mind.

'I don't know,' he now mumbled. And then, after another moment, 'I want to know what you're thinking, I guess. What being on tour is going to be like. Last night... I'm so happy whenever I'm with you, but I hate never knowing whether it'll even be like that again.'

It wasn't a decision at least, and Yoongi let out a breath that wasn't quite relief yet, but worked up to it.

'I'm thinking...' he started, then paused and gathered his thoughts. It was becoming harder and harder to be honest with Jungkook, but not too honest. 'I'm thinking that taking a break hasn't solved anything, really. And I'm tired of it. But I'm also scared to bring it up because it might mean that the only choice left for you is to end this.'

'This...' Jungkook repeated, only a wisp of breath. 'This is a lot more than I thought it would be in the beginning.'

'Yeah. For me too.'

Yoongi's heart was beating hard in his chest. He pressed a little closer to Jungkook, made their shoulders touch, but this time it didn't really help him calm down. It was only Jungkook's words that managed it, Jungkook's quiet confession.

'Ending this is the only option I can't live with, I think.'

Yoongi let the words wash over him, tried to take in what they really meant. He closed his eyes for a second, leaned his head back a little more when the wind brought the smell of rain to his nose.

'But can you live with lying? You said in January that you can't.'

Jungkook was quiet. After a long time, Yoongi felt him shrug.

'If that's what it takes? For now?' It was a question more than anything, one that sounded sad, but not particularly uncertain. Apparently Jungkook could sense Yoongi's unhappiness with it, as he added, 'I don't want to be on this tour and stay away from you. I don't think I can. I'd rather be with you and work on figuring out how to do that than keep my distance all the time.'

'But that's the thing I'm scared of. There might not be a way to figure it out. What if it's just another dead end and we'll keep going in circles?'

What he didn't want to say was that he couldn't keep losing Jungkook again and again. If he fell into him now, if he decided to let his feelings for him grow entirely out of control and let him sneak into his room night after night, how would he ever recover if Jungkook decided next week that lying to his Hyungs wasn't something he could live with after all?

'Hyung.' Jungkook's hand found his wrist and wrapped around it softly. 'You talk like you don't want this.'

Yoongi shook his head, maybe a little too hard.

'I want it too much. That's the problem.'

Jungkook was quiet, but Yoongi could feel him hold on to him a little more tightly. A question formed on Yoongi's tongue, he wanted to know what Jungkook thought this was, whether it had become more to him than an exploration of what lay beyond their friendship, but he found himself tongue-tied once more.

'I've thought about it for months,' Jungkook told him quietly. 'I'd rather be a secret than not be with you like this at all. And you need to learn to believe me when I say these things. Sometimes it feels like you're actively trying to make me back out, like you're just waiting for it. But it won't.'

How was it possible that Yoongi's heart began to beat even faster? For the hope he felt to be as overflowing as his fears were?

'It's just a lot. You know it is.'

He felt Jungkook nod. Then they stood in silence. Yoongi tried to even out his breathing, tried to let himself focus on the excitement that lingered under the surface, the vision of the next few months that Jungkook was painting for him right now. A thought had come with the question he wanted to ask, one that begged for attention insistingly. What if Jungkook wasn't just talking about the tour? What if this was more than just Speak Yourself, more than Yoongi had ever wanted to hope for? What if there was a future in which Jungkook was his to love?

'The lights come out there,' Jungkook told him, bringing him back to reality. He pointed towards the left, to somewhere right behind the stage. 'Then they go straight up, and you can see them if you lean forward a bit.'

Yoongi did, even though there was nothing to see.

'They're beautiful. You should come see them some time.'

'Are they purple?'

'Not only. Rainbows.'

Yoongi hummed. He tried to imagine it, wondered what it would be like to watch the fireworks with Jungkook, but not having to worry about being seen. He'd hold his hand, maybe Jungkook would rest his head on his shoulder. Yoongi didn't care much for the light show, but he would love to see the excitement on Jungkook's face. Even now, there was a hint of a smile in his features as he looked up at the dark grey sky. Yoongi caught it when he turned to face him.

'We need to be careful. So damn careful. If we do this, we can't be stupid about it.'

Jungkook's attention was dragged down from the sky and the imaginary fireworks to Yoongi's face. He seemed to wait if there was more, seemed to expect more arguments, so Yoongi just sighed and pushed at his chest a little.

'I don't wanna do this tour without you either, Kook-ah. So let's start with that.'

The smile that had lingered in the corner of Jungkook's mouth broke at his words. His gaze flickered to the right from where distant voices sounded, he dropped Yoongi's hand in response, reasonable, careful, just like Yoongi had just said, but his smile didn't waver.

Chapter Text

The energy that Jungkook brought to the stage that night was already enough for Yoongi to wonder how long it would take for the others to catch on, but he pushed those thoughts far away from his mind. He watched Jungkook dance so energetically, it set the entire arena on fire, despite the rain, despite the slippery stage and their drenched clothes and hair. Jungkook was smiling harder than Yoongi had seen in a long time, and when happy tears mixed with the rain towards the end of their set, he wished he could have pretended it was all because of the crowd, the music, the show.

Jungkook had asked him to believe him. So Yoongi pushed away the doubt and instead focused on the way their eyes met across the stage, the way that deep down he knew better than to appoint Jungkook's sudden and overwhelming happiness to something other than their conversation. There were still so many questions, so many risks, but Yoongi's heart wouldn't stop racing, he couldn't stop smiling back at Jungkook, and for now, he chose to accept it.

They wrapped up their time in Chicago with a spectacular second show, dried their skin of tears and rain, and in the morning headed East towards New York. There wasn't much time to be had between their landing and their scheduled studio time for another variety show episode, but for once Yoongi wasn't bothered by the hectic schedule. He was too focused on the butterflies in his belly that just wouldn't settle down. Jungkook's happiness was addicting, contagious, and he wrote a few aimless lines about it at the hotel that night. Jungkook was busy filming more content for their documentary, but it felt different missing him now, knowing he'd certainly come and find him eventually.

When he did, it was in a bathroom backstage at yet another TV studio they were recording at the next day. Yoongi was washing his hands when the door was opened. He only looked up when he heard it fall close but no footsteps followed. Jungkook stood by the door, listening.

'Are we alone?' he asked with a glance towards the two stalls at the opposite side of the room.

Yoongi barely managed to nod before Jungkook was in his space, his lips hot and eager against his own. He kissed him like it had been a lifetime since he'd last gotten to do so, and Yoongi had no strength at all to protest. He let Jungkook crowd him against the sink too easily, let him run his hands all over his chest, then his shoulders, the back of his neck. Yoongi shuddered against him, struggled to keep up for only a second, then made Jungkook's breath catch by touching his tongue to his lower lip.

He was no stranger to this. To rushed kisses, hidden and secretive, part of his attention always on his surroundings rather than on the want building inside of him. But somehow it still felt all different. This wasn't some secret, urgent exchange of relief that he would feel ambiguous about later in the night. This was Jungkook whose kisses were sweet and full of affection despite their neediness. It was a promise, a reminder maybe, but not all of what they would ever share with each other. This, unlike Daegu, made him smile against Jungkook's lips, made him sigh and pull him in closer because the distance physically hurt, not because he knew there wasn't much time.

It wasn't exactly the definition of being careful, but they had waited two whole days and Yoongi wanted at least a second of this, of Jungkook's body against his own, his lips, his by now familiar eagerness. It was so easy to fall into him, to forget all about where they were, how there was no lock on the door. Not for the first time Yoongi wondered how Jungkook hadn't caught on yet. How he hadn't realised the second that they had first kissed that it was not something Yoongi had never thought about before. He was so easy for him, so breathless just from the way Jungkook was crowding up against him.

'Do you have plans tonight?' Jungkook asked, his breath ghosting over his lips.

Yoongi didn't say anything, just raised an eyebrow and let Jungkook figure it out for himself. It was rare that Yoongi was busy on tour, especially when it wasn't with an official schedule. In Seoul, there was the studio he holed himself up in, there were friends and producers and people that were both, but on tour, Yoongi savoured every hour in which he was being left to his own devices. Jungkook's company had always been an exception to the rule.

Instead of saying anything more, Jungkook just smiled again, ran his thumb along Yoongi's jaw, pressed another soft kiss to the corner of his mouth. This, too, was different. None of Yoongi's encounters from the past had felt like this. With Jungkook, it was never just a kiss, never just a stolen moment of heat. There was something more than that in how he looked at him, and Yoongi's heart stupidly skipped a beat when he caught it for just a second before averting his gaze.

The next part he was used to. Being interrupted once more, both of them startled, taking a step back, although Yoongi only met the sink. It was Hobi who came in and forced them apart. He was looking down at his phone and noticed them late enough so that they had enough time to set the scene. Yoongi started the tap once again, and he expected Jungkook to head towards one of the stalls, but instead he remained behind him, a little too close.

'If you're not busy, can I show you a song later?' he asked. He sounded casual enough, if not entirely relaxed.

'One of yours?'

Through the mirror above the sink, Yoongi saw Jungkook nod.

'Oh, Jungkookie!' Hobi exclaimed and stopped on his way to cross the room. 'You wrote a song? You need to show me, too.'

'Not a whole song. Just a few lines.'

'Don't trash them before I can listen.'

Yoongi grinned at Hobi through the mirror at his words. They had all gotten used to being teased with bits and pieces of Jungkook's music over the years, but being told that he had deleted his files by the time they next asked him about them. Yoongi himself had never heard more than either lyrics or melody, never put together, never arranged as an actual song, and still he felt almost certain that it was more than what the others had gotten.

He turned off the tap, then nodded at Jungkook as he turned.

'Sure. Just come and find me.'

His words felt charged, but only because Yoongi knew what he meant by them. Jungkook would come over tonight with or without a song to share. He felt guilty for how he was unable to concentrate much during the afternoon, ashamed even for how his thoughts continued to drift off and how he caught himself fighting against that familiar pull in his guts any time he didn't stomp down on any thoughts of tonight quickly enough. It had been a long time since he had felt physically charged like this, and a part of him hated the feeling of losing control, while another welcomed the reawakened longing inside him.

For years he had ignored any hint of real desire he had felt. Had been scared of it even, once he had realised that it was Jungkook his thoughts were drifting towards, Jungkook who was becoming more and more impossible to look away from. He'd thought about getting him out of his system once or twice, had locked eyes with guys for a little too long, had considered it, if never seriously, but in the end it had never been worth the risk. He'd thought about safer options, too, had wondered if it would feel anything like what he wanted it to feel if he asked out the female physio working with the younger trainees a floor down from the Genius Lab. But it would have been too big a lie to tell, both to himself and to her.

A few times that afternoon, as time passed too slowly, he wondered if it would change things if Jungkook knew how long he'd been in his head. Was it unfair not to let him know? But then, it wasn't like the months of fighting against his own mind had been spent waiting. Trying. Getting closer to Jungkook with intent. It was still impossible to understand that their relationship had changed the way it had, and it certainly wasn't for Yoongi trying.

The messy whirlwind in his belly that he felt when Jungkook eventually knocked on his hotel room door around midnight wasn't familiar to him yet. It had never felt like this until Jungkook had allowed it. Until he had given him permission, both verbally and physically. And now it was impossible to control his body's reaction to him any longer. The pull he felt towards Jungkook was too undeniable.

Yoongi opened the door for him in his briefs, not on purpose, but because a minute ago he'd still had a towel wrapped around his waist and there hadn't been time to put on more clothes. His hair was wet from the shower he had just taken, and he felt cold in the too strong, artificial blow of air conditioning. All of that was forgotten however when Jungkook came in and immediately slowed down as he let his eyes travel down his chest slowly.

'How?' he said, quietly, as if to himself.

'How?' Yoongi repeated. The door fell shut rather loudly, but neither of them paid it any mind.

'How have I ever thought it was just appreciation?'

The tips of Jungkook's ears turned pink as he spoke, his words were mumbled the way they usually got when he felt a little embarrassed or uncertain. Yoongi didn't move when Jungkook brought his hand to his naked chest, the look on his face so full of awe that Yoongi wondered whether he really was seeing what Yoongi did whenever he looked into the mirror. Where Jungkook had started to fill out lately, was growing into his body so beautifully and confidently, Yoongi was scrawny, his muscles merely hinted at, his skin pale and almost fragile over the ridges of his ribs rather than anything more impressive.

'You appreciate me?'

It was meant to be a tease, was meant to get Jungkook to break into a smile, but in the silence of his hotel room at night, it came out too sensual, not at all unserious. Neither was the small huff of a laugh that Jungkook let out and that turned into something almost resembling a whine when he traced Yoongi's chest down to his sides.

'That's what I thought. Even before. I thought it ended there, but...'

Yoongi's pulse was already picking up again. It was enough just to have Jungkook look at him like this, to know that they were alone and it was the middle of the night and they had agreed to no longer care about distance. Jungkook's hand was still on his bare skin, touching him almost tenderly even when the look in his eyes was dark when he looked back up at his face.

'Hyung,' he tried with a smile that seemed distracted. 'We're really doing this, right? Because it's all I think about, it's...'

Yoongi got on his tiptoes to kiss him, but only because Jungkook wasn't leaning down yet. It only took him a second to do so, and when Yoongi lowered himself back onto his feet, Jungkook held him by the waist, still gentle, still somehow different from how he had touched and hugged and pulled him in close in the past. Their kiss almost broke with how they both smiled, but then it won against the sudden giddiness.

'Never should have even taken a break,' Yoongi sighed, the words lost against Jungkook's lips, and he felt his responding hum against his own. He touched his tongue to the vibrations, made Jungkook open his mouth for him, deepened their kiss and erased all playfulness between them.

He'd almost forgotten how naked he was, despite Jungkook's lingering gaze, until the hands on his waist traveled up his chest once more, mapped him out, made him shudder under the sensation. He ran his own fingers under Jungkook's shirt in response, rubbed his thumb over the vee of his hips, felt his breath catch against his lips. His plan to draw the fabric up was ruined when Jungkook pressed closer to him, made him take a step back, then another, until the cool wall of the hotel room made it impossible for him to back up any further. Jungkook had come with him, was still kissing him, was sheltering his lower back a little from the impact.

With Jungkook pressing this close to him, it was easy to lose himself in him. Yoongi liked being in charge, had always liked it, but there was also something infinitely exciting about letting Jungkook take a first step, getting to learn what it was that he wanted, what he would ask for if Yoongi didn't offer anything.

Apparently it was more closeness, the intertwining of their bodies however possible, erasing all space between them. Jungkook's hips started to move as if on their own accord and rubbed slowly into Yoongi's as he continued to touch him wherever he could reach, continued to kiss him senseless. From the very first second, Yoongi had been a goner for the way Jungkook kissed, all deep and thorough but never too demanding despite the determination he put into it.

Yoongi was breathless, overwhelmed by the reality of Jungkook, unable to keep his hips from arching up into the friction and moving into the invitation of Jungkook's body. He was growing hard against him, inevitably so, and swallowed a moan when he felt that Jungkook wasn't faring any better. He was in jeans so the friction was rough, the hardness of his cock merely a promise, a lot less pronounced than the last few times they had done this, but it was enough. Anything was both enough and never that with Jungkook.

It blew Yoongi's mind a little that they had done this often enough by now that he no longer even had to think about it, that all the initial self-consciousness about how badly he wanted Jungkook had faded and given way to a sense of inevitability and acceptance. He didn't need a drink for him to do this anymore, didn't need an excuse. His hips arched up and into Jungkook's easily like this, chasing the friction, desperate for more. God, he wanted Jungkook on the bed again, wanted him underneath him, trembling and moaning the way he had the last time.

The memory made Yoongi groan with a wave of desire and he tried to push against Jungkook's chest, tried to move them backwards, but Jungkook wouldn't let him. He broke their kiss, only just, but didn't take a single step back. Instead he brought a hand between them, his lips still brushing against Yoongi's, his breathing ragged and hot.

'Yoongi.'

Maybe it was a question. Maybe just reassurance. Yoongi waited, felt Jungkook's hand run lower on his chest, let him breathe through his nerves this time instead of taking the lead. He was aching for him, was dizzy with how badly he wanted Jungkook to be brave right now. He waited, felt Jungkook take a deep breath, then nearly died when his hand moved further down, hardly stopped at his waistband, and pressed against his cock so good it had Yoongi gasp and moan and buck his hips up uncontrolled.

'Kook,' he managed, a desperate, low sound, and Jungkook somehow nodded, hummed, rubbed his palm over him with more confidence than Yoongi had expected. It shouldn't have been entirely new, but Yoongi remembered how alien it had felt for him the first time, how overwhelmed he had been, touching somebody else. And still, Jungkook was eager despite his nerves, wrapped his fingers around him, gave him more friction and made his knees buckle. Dimly, Yoongi realised that Jungkook was imitating him, that he was going through the same steps they had taken together last time, but even though it made him smile, his desire was bigger than his fondness right now.

'Fuck,' he gasped when Jungkook tightened his palm over his head, touched him as if he already knew exactly how, as if they had done this a million times before.

'Wanna...' was Jungkook's response, equally out of breath, equally desperate. He pulled at Yoongi's waistband, dragged it down, and Yoongi let him without any hesitation. He leaned further back against the wall to steady himself, tried to take a calming breath, then felt Jungkook's left hand tighten on his waist to hold him up more securely. Their foreheads nearly knocked together as they both looked down, and finally Yoongi felt a hint of self-consciousness. He was so hard, leaking at the tip, throbbing and jerking up against the palm of Jungkook's hand when he didn't immediately move.

Jungkook had seen him naked before, but never like this, and they were both thinking it without a doubt. Only for a second, as Yoongi's mind went black when Jungkook moved to circle his tip with his index finger, so damn slowly, as if he was not done processing yet. Another shudder went through him, he grew impossibly harder at the touch, twitched against Jungkook's hand. And finally, Jungkook wrapped his hand around him with a shaky sigh.

There was only heat, only pleasure, only that instant tightness in his groin that spiralled out of control so quickly Yoongi thought for a second that he was going to come like that. He'd forgotten what it was like, how good it felt to let someone else touch him, to give up control over his body that way. Or maybe it was just Jungkook. Maybe it had never been this good in the past, but it was now because it was Jungkook's hand and his messy breathing and unwavering gaze down between their bodies, as if he didn't want to miss a second of it, wanted to take it all in while Yoongi's eyes had fallen close at that first real touch. When he opened them again, his breath caught at the sight of Jungkook's flushed cheeks, the concentration on his face, the line of his furrowed brow. The impossible darkness of his eyes.

'Like that,' Yoongi made himself mutter, even when it was hard to find the words. But Jungkook needed them, he thought, deserved to know that he was doing good, so fucking good. Jungkook's gaze snapped up to Yoongi's eyes at the sound of his voice, and Yoongi nearly burned under its intensity.

'Faster?' Jungkook's breath felt hot against this lips. 'I like...'

He sped his hand up a bit, drew a moan from Yoongi, made his hips buck up again. It had already been enough, but knowing that Jungkook was touching him the way he himself liked it, knowing that Jungkook got off fast and maybe a little messy, a little tighter than Yoongi was used to, God it drove him crazy. There were so many things he wanted, so many images on his mind, like watching Jungkook touch himself, learning every single thing about his body without Jungkook having to tell him with words.

The tightness in his guts grew, he started chasing Jungkook's hand with more and more uncontrolled thrusts of his hips, and Jungkook just wouldn't falter, wouldn't stop building that same rhythm now that he had found it.

'I can feel it,' Jungkook breathed, all awe and honesty, the words nearly lost between them. Yoongi thought he knew what he meant even when it didn't make much sense, not through the dizzying heat of his orgasm building. It was such a heady sensation to feel someone else's body like that, he remembered exactly what it had done to him to feel Jungkook leak over his palm, to feel him grow harder as he got closer, to feel him chase his pleasure. He wanted that again, his fingers dipped below Jungkook's waistband, but then Jungkook rubbed his palm over the head of his cock and Yoongi knew he was done for.

There was nothing he could do other than close his eyes and give himself over to the rush of it. He wanted this to last forever, wanted Jungkook just as naked as him, wanted so much more than this, all of it at once, but he couldn't fight how quickly it would be over.

'Kook,' he groaned, 'Koo, fuck.'

Jungkook's hand sped up even more, it was too much, too good, and Yoongi felt his head knock against the wall hard as the euphoric feeling of relief flooded his body, seemingly endless. Jungkook didn't slow down until the very end of it. He had come so quickly, hadn't even really given Jungkook a chance to do anything but the most basic bit of exploring, but the bliss that spread through his body felt so thorough that he couldn't bring himself to feel ashamed or regretful. A smile tugged on his lips, full of relief.

He opened his eyes and his smile instantly turned into a breathless, weak laugh. Now, there was room for fondness, for appreciation. Jungkook's face was so full of fascination as he looked down at his hand, sticky and messy, as if that were new to him in any way. There was hardly any room between them, they were standing so close. Yoongi watched him process for a second, then became distracted by the prominent bulge in Jungkook's jeans. No matter how many times this had happened now, Yoongi still felt his stomach drop and a flicker of want rose up in him once more that made him nearly pull Jungkook in by the hips and press against him.

'Kook-ah,' he sighed and brought a hand up to Jungkook's neck instead where his skin was hot to the touch. He pushed himself off of the wall although his knees were still shaky and nudged at his chin so he could look at him. When Jungkook lifted his gaze from his own hand, finally, the look in his eyes was so full of both vulnerability and want, it made Yoongi's chest ache.

'You're amazing,' he whispered, even when that kind of praise didn't come to him naturally. He ran a finger over Jungkook's jaw, up to his lips. 'So good.'

They were both breathing too heavily, and Yoongi didn't miss the way that Jungkook swallowed a low moan. His hips rolled forward a little in response, the bulge of his cock rubbed lightly against Yoongi's thigh, as if the movement were entirely out of Jungkook's control.

'I wanna do that again,' he finally said. 'I want... There's so much that I want.'

It was everything Yoongi had needed to hear. Along with the way that Jungkook's hips pressed forward again needily it was all the reassurance he had wanted to know that Jungkook was still with him, that he was not losing his mind over what they had just done. He took a deep breath, then shoved his briefs down his legs that were still bunched up by his thighs. It was deliberate that his knuckles brushed right against the hardness in Jungkook's jeans as he moved.

'Let's get cleaned up.'

He couldn't help but let out another huff of a laugh when he caught the way Jungkook's lips turned into a pout and a frown creased his forehead. He looked down, a hint of panic on his face that made Yoongi only smile wider, but he didn't argue. He merely took a deep, shuddery breath, then nodded, as if in defeat.

'Koo,' Yoongi smiled. He pushed at his chest, then finally ran his hand under his shirt as he walked him backwards. 'Get in the shower.'

It only took Jungkook a second to catch on. He doubled over with how quickly he pulled his own shirt off, then nearly tripped when Yoongi pushed at his naked chest again to get him moving. They stumbled into the bathroom together, only a few feet away, and Yoongi leaned up to find Jungkook's lips again as his hands began to fumble with the button of his jeans. A second later he pulled them down his legs together with his underwear and made Jungkook nearly lose his balance again.

Their kiss turned into a smile that tasted just as good against Yoongi's lips. Neither of them had bothered to turn on the light, but the door was left standing wide open and the low light coming in from the main room was enough for Yoongi to see the eagerness and the anticipation on Jungkook's face when he drew back. It was also enough to be able to appreciate the planes of Jungkook's naked chest, the broadness of his shoulders, the outline of his abs. The hardness of his cock.

Yoongi bit down on a groan when he looked down. Jungkook was beautiful, he'd already known that he was, but seeing him like this still made his head spin. He hadn't given Jungkook enough credit a minute ago when he had been impatient for him to touch him. Now he knew how overwhelming it was to see, to take Jungkook in like this. He was so hard, glistening at the tip, his balls drawn up tight. Yoongi wanted to reach for him badly enough that it made his own cock twitch weakly against his thigh, but he took a deep breath and then another step back.

They should at least make it into the shower, he thought. And it was where Jungkook followed him. His gaze was a little searching, waiting, impatient, pleading maybe, and Yoongi took pity on him the second that he had turned the water on. He pulled Jungkook in by the waist, leaned up for another kiss, and swallowed Jungkook's sharp gasp when he wrapped his hand around his cock. Hot water cascaded down on them, too hot maybe, but neither of them cared when there was Jungkook's pleasure to focus on.

Yoongi wanted to take his time, but at the same time he had only just learned that Jungkook liked it fast, and with the way that Jungkook moaned and shuddered and arched his whole body into Yoongi's, he knew that there was no way that he would draw things out right now. He tightened his hand around him a bit more than he had dared to last time, imitated what Jungkook had just done to him, and felt him bite his lower lip in response. Jungkook wasn't particularly loud, but so responsive, all hot gasps and low groans and needy whines, and Yoongi couldn't get enough of it. He put his hand to use, drew Jungkook closer and closer by the second in every way that he knew how, and felt his own cock harden again more slowly than it had earlier.

Nothing Yoongi had ever experienced had been anything like this. So full of trust, so uncontrolled, so overwhelmingly hot. It had nothing, nothing at all on the quick efficiency he was used to. This was quick too, but only because there was too much need, too much pent up frustration that they had carried around for weeks. And this was Jungkook. It would never compare to anything else.

There was nothing anymore that suggested that Jungkook was nervous or even new to this. He grasped at Yoongi's body knowing he didn't have to hold back, ran his hands over every naked inch of him he could reach, then pulled at his hair where it was by now fully wet.

'Hyung,' he moaned, 'Hyung, Yoongi, I...'

Yoongi would never grow tired of hearing him like this. It was one thing to feel Jungkook's body under his touch, to finally get to do this to him, one thing to see him all hard and aching and beautiful, but another altogether to listen to him talk like this, to hear him fall apart. He knew Jungkook didn't want him to stop, wasn't expecting him to, and he knew it would get him the prettiest of whines if he did, so he paused the next time he moved down, squeezed him a little tighter, let Jungkook push into his hand with a pleading moan.

He picked up his rhythm again almost immediately though, felt Jungkook pulse under his touch, and looked down when Jungkook became too distracted to keep kissing him. Jungkook's naked chest would have been enough to make Yoongi grow fully hard again, with the way that water ran over it and made his skin glisten, but the sight of his hard cock in his hand, so prettily flushed, nearly made Yoongi feel lightheaded. He wanted to sink down to his knees, wanted to make this even better, overwhelm Jungkook even more, but it would have been too much. Jungkook's lower belly was already tightening, he was rolling his hips in small movements, chasing Yoongi's touch.

Yoongi knew he'd never recover when he heard Jungkook curse, heard the most desperate of gasps catch in his throat, then felt him twitch and come in his hand where the water washed both of them clean right away. It wasn't the first time Yoongi had done this, had seen somebody else like this, but somehow it felt like it. The lingering want deep inside of him that seemed to never really be satisfied these days would only worsen with every new way in which he learned Jungkook.

He brought his hands around Jungkook's waist, wanted to kiss him again, but didn't when their eyes locked instead. There was such a strong feeling of connection there, something even better than the need that had risen inside of Yoongi again. Jungkook's chest was rising and falling rapidly, his pupils were blown, and the bliss on his face was the most beautiful Yoongi had ever seen him.

'It's gonna be the best tour we've ever been on,' he said, and the smile he got in response made him reconsider his plan to lean up for a kiss. He didn't let it linger though. Instead he reached for the dispenser of soap next to him and properly cleaned his hands, then brought them to Jungkook's chest to rub the foam into his skin. He tried his best to let his touch be calming, soft, rather than more heat. And still Jungkook looked down between their bodies and let one of his hands run down his chest a little hesitantly.

'Do you want...?'

Yoongi did, but also he didn't. Of course he did, but at the same time his body was already calming down again now that Jungkook's did, if slowly. He shook his head.

'I'm okay.'

He felt tired, exhausted, despite the weakening desire still pulsing through him. Jungkook only nodded. Then he reached for the soap and imitated Yoongi, gently mapping out his upper body with light touches.

'Really? I always find it impossible to ignore.'

There it was again. That side of Jungkook that Yoongi was aching to get to know. Besides the physical part of it all, it was this that he wanted. Jungkook's soft voice, his easy confessions, his honesty and unwavering curiosity. It was all the things that he loved about Jungkook combined with the thrill of learning the things about him he had always kept himself from wondering too hard about.

'You're young and needy,' Yoongi grinned. He rubbed his hands over Jungkook's neck, then his upper back. His breathing had still not completely returned to normal. In response to his teasing, Jungkook let his soapy hands run down the small of Yoongi's back and to his ass.

'Don't call me needy when you're hard again.'

Yoongi looked down to where his erection was fading only slowly, and let out a little laugh when he saw that Jungkook himself hadn't gone completely soft yet. Was maybe still interested in the way they were touching, were still standing close.

'Were you always responsive like this? With them?' he asked, more seriously.

He didn't want to think about the girls Jungkook had been with, not in any more detail, but he did want to hear Jungkook talk about it, about how different it felt for him. Yoongi didn't have to wonder about himself anymore, not much, but Jungkook probably still did.

'I guess a little,' he admitted with a sigh. 'But then I really was young. It's always been more difficult not to get turned on than to enjoy something.'

'You're still young. At least I got some things out of my system at that age. It's okay for it to be easy.'

'You're easy too. Why was I ever nervous about making this good for you?'

Yoongi had no argument against it, and so he just laughed. Took in Jungkook's happy smile. Then he turned off the water now that they were both clean. He was starting to feel stupid about the way they hadn't turned on the lights and were standing in the low light, neither of them in need of a real shower. He wrapped his towel around himself once he had stepped out of the shower and threw an unused one at Jungkook. Together they dried themselves, then returned to the room where Yoongi collected his underwear from the floor and inspected it for stains before putting it on again.

'Is there really a song you wanted to show me?' he asked.

Despite how many new and exciting things there were to explore with each other, Yoongi didn't want to lose this either. The easy conversations they'd always had, the exchanging of music, of thoughts, of inspiration.

'I guess. But it's not much.'

Jungkook had wrapped the towel around his waist for a second, but dropped it right when Yoongi turned towards him. He didn't seem shy as he did so, so Yoongi watched him put his clothes back on without trying to hide it. He grabbed a shirt for himself, then sat down on the edge of the bed.

'Can I listen?'

Jungkook nodded. He looked for his phone in the back pocket of his jeans, checked it for messages, then came over to where Yoongi was sitting. It took him a moment to find the right file amongst many, and Yoongi watched him scroll through endless recordings labeled simply with numbers and nothing else. There were hundreds of them. Presumably all snippets of ideas, of Jungkook humming or giving a rough melody to lyrics that were floating around in his head.

When Jungkook pressed play, Yoongi forced his attention on the recording rather than how beautiful his fingers were. And it wasn't hard to do. Jungkook's voice was just as addicting, just as perfect. There were only a few lines, sung softly to a melody that Yoongi thought had potential for a bridge. They were about fireworks.

Yoongi listened, then pressed play again by reaching out for the phone himself. He couldn't quite believe that this was what Jungkook had wanted to write about. That he was on his mind the way that Jungkook was on his. But hadn't Jungkook said and done so many things by now to make Yoongi stop doubting?

'It's good,' was all he said. Maybe he should have commented on the lyrics, but he didn't think he needed to do so. Not when they were sitting so close, both of them now tired and relaxed and satisfied. Jungkook was easy enough to read, it was just Yoongi who had trouble believing. And letting Jungkook know the whole truth. Just how long it had been, how deep his feelings for him ran. He could have said something, could have started a conversation about everything unnamed between them, but instead he said, 'Do you want us to build a beat for it?'

...

There weren't any shows scheduled in New York City and yet their time there flew by without giving them a second to breathe. As a group they were shuffled from one TV studio to the next, from the early morning until late at night. Yoongi found himself with a camera shoved into his face so frequently that he eventually even managed to push Jungkook to the back of his mind for a while and to focus solely on existing as his on screen persona.

By the time they arrived in Jersey for two consecutive shows, he ached for a minute to himself, a moment away from that blinking light of the documentary crew's cameras. Across the green room, he could see Jungkook entertaining his designated film staff with a bottle flip trick that he had probably learned from Jimin or Taehyung. Yoongi didn't know how he still had the energy to perform, even if it wasn't for an actual crowd. Most likely, the content wouldn't make the documentary anyways as his shirt was unbuttoned a little too low and his face was bare.

Just when Yoongi grabbed his phone to get up and sneak out of the room for some much needed peace and quiet, Namjoon let himself fall onto the sofa next to him with his backpack in his lap.

'They can't give us access to the gym here,' he told Yoongi, as if Yoongi had ever made use of a backstage gym before a show. He warmed up of course, and he worked out occasionally in Seoul to keep up his stamina during breaks, but he'd never go through a full work out when he'd spend the whole evening on stage.

'Tragic,' he responded, his voice flat.

Namjoon ignored his tone. He was too focused on pulling a work out shirt out of his bag.

'I guess I'll do some laps around the stadium. I wanted to see it from up in the stands anyways.'

Despite the mention of running, he'd caught Yoongi's attention.

'By yourself?'

'I guess. Wanna come?'

Namjoon gave him a look that was curious, intrigued by the idea of Yoongi joining him voluntarily.

'For the quiet, not the work out. There won't be any cameras up there.'

Namjoon nodded in easy agreement.

'It won't be a full work out. Come and do some stretches at least, it'll do your shoulder good.'

Yoongi found himself nodding before he could even really think about it. All he wanted was to get away from the constant buzzing noise of the backstage area and the sense of surveillance after days of filming. He put on a wide shirt for show, then followed Namjoon out into the hallway. Dimly he wondered how they had managed to leave without Jungkook tailing them, as he would jump at both the idea of running up and down the stands and spending time with Namjoon.

But somehow, they were still by themselves when Namjoon asked security for directions through MetLife stadium a minute later, and Yoongi followed right on his heels. Already, he felt some tension fall from his shoulders now that they had escaped the noise of the green room. Yoongi loved the members and their crew, but with all of them in one place, it tended to get overwhelmingly busy. Now, it was only him and Namjoon and the prospect of at least a moment of peace.

Namjoon did as he had planned and fell into a jog down a set of stairs once they reached the top of the stands while Yoongi stayed to take in the view for a long moment. From whatever stage they were on, he could only ever get a rough idea of how many people he was really facing, but from under the roof, the way in which their shows had grown during the last year hit him anew. He stood there for a long time, doing light stretches with his foot hooked underneath the last row of chairs, then he took a picture of his view to show Jungkook later.

He grinned at how Namjoon could be seen in it, making his way back up the stairs. When Yoongi lowered his phone, he had already come closer, and Yoongi went down a few steps to meet him.

'Insane, huh?' he asked. Namjoon turned, let his gaze sweep over the arena, then nodded.

He was still catching his breath when he said, 'Yeah. I wonder if we'll ever be able to really take in the scale of this. I'm not over the private plane yet.'

'Maybe it's better if we won't. I don't ever want to get used to this enough to think it's normal.'

Namjoon lifted his arms up over his head to stretch his shoulder, and this Yoongi joined him for.

'So,' Namjoon said as they both stood in the same pose. 'You seem happier on this leg of the tour.'

Yoongi instantly looked around, no matter how harmless of an observation it was to make. There was no one near them though, merely some venue staff down on the stage where they seemed so damn small.

'Yeah?' was all he dared to say.

Namjoon studied him for a second before he added, 'Maybe happier isn't the word. That's for you to tell me. But you're less withdrawn. It doesn't feel like you're slipping further away from us with each city that we hit.'

It wasn't meant to be any kind of judgement, never from Namjoon, and still Yoongi looked to the ground and had to fight against a hint of guilt.

'Come on,' he tried, 'It's never that bad.'

'Hyung, you don't see yourself when you're all tired and drained and listless. Even if you feel like you're more in control these days, it's still scary to see you like that. I'm not going to forget how it was a few years ago.'

Against the initial instinct to argue, Yoongi only sighed.

'Well then I'm glad you haven't seen much of that lately. I do feel okay so far. We've stayed roughly in the same time zone, there's been no overnight schedules. It's been pretty steady.'

And he was falling deeper in love with Jungkook with every day that went by. He got to touch him now, got to lean into him after long days, got to steal kisses and received little good night texts from him, texts that clearly still tried to figure out how to talk to Yoongi in this new way. It wasn't perfect, there were still too many unanswered questions, begging to be answered more and more urgently, but it was so much more than Yoongi had ever thought he'd get.

They weren't things Yoongi could say, but he knew that it was true. Without Jungkook, maybe he'd still be doing better than he had during other tours, but he didn't think Namjoon would be pointing out his apparent happiness. It wouldn't be this obvious, this undeniable even when there was still so much to be worried about.

Namjoon nodded, then switched to stretch his other shoulder which Yoongi imitated.

'Have you been seeing your therapist?'

They had talked about this often enough for Yoongi to no longer feel invaded by Namjoon's questions. At this point, there weren't many things he wouldn't tell Namjoon about, and even those he found himself reconsidering these days. Even now, he was thinking about it, was tempted to tell Namjoon too much.

'Right before we left for tour,' he simply nodded instead. 'Just a check in though.'

It was mandatory for him to go at least once a month, but Yoongi found it helpful enough that he would have probably gone without the company making him. There were things he couldn't tell his therapist either though. When he had last seen him less than two weeks ago, he had focused on his sleeping, the stress of the EP, his trip home. It hadn't felt right to talk about Jungkook, even though he knew he probably could have done.

'And it went alright? You're really feeling okay?' Namjoon pressed, his voice not at all frustrated with Yoongi's lack of words, but still gentle. His infinite patience was yet another reason why he had been made leader. Yoongi looked at him again, took in the familiar lines of his profile, felt the comfort it always sparked in him.

Namjoon deserved more than this, he decided. He wanted Namjoon to be more than just another person whom he safely kept his secrets from. Maybe it was time to let him be that.

'Happy is the right word,' he told him. 'I am happier. Not perfect, you know, but there's a lot of things to be grateful for.'

The smile Namjoon gave him was warm. It was how Yoongi always wanted to see him.

'I guess that's true. I mean, look at this.'

Namjoon broke his stretch to wave his right arm towards the stage. It wasn't what Yoongi had meant, but it was part of it of course. Their growing success was daunting, but also everything Yoongi had ever wanted. He needed to take more moments to appreciate it. To be thankful for it.

'Do you still feel like we shouldn't be here? On tour?' he carefully asked. 'Have the guys said anything to make you think so?'

'No. I probably overreacted in winter. But things really did feel so tense compared to now.'

Yoongi only hummed. One day, maybe he'd be able to tell Namjoon how right his instincts had been, and what exactly it had been that had weighed on Jungkook and him at least. Or still did.

He copied the way that Namjoon leaned his whole body to one side to stretch out his hip.

'Although,' Namjoon continued. 'You'd have to tell me about Jungkookie.'

'Just because we hang out more now doesn't mean you can't ask him how things are going anymore.'

But Namjoon shook his head.

'I don't know what I did, but he won't really talk to me much anymore. It's subtle, but I can tell. He never talked much about himself, but the other day he practically ran when I properly asked how he was doing.'

In his mind, Yoongi saw the canals of Amsterdam. It had felt like this when he had been there with Jungkook. Like a crossroads. He could take this conversation one way or another. His heart already began to race, had already made a decision before his mind could do so.

'Joon-ah,' he started, then reached over to make him stand up straight again. He couldn't do this with Namjoon stretching beside him. But when he caught Namjoon's suddenly too attentive gaze, he found himself avoiding it and looking back down to the stage again. 'The reason why Kook-ah and I have spent so much time together is because I told him something about myself last year. Something that only he knows. And he's probably avoiding a real conversation with you because he wants to keep that secret.'

And because he didn't want to lie to Namjoon any more than he had to, because he knew that he couldn't.

Last year, in Amsterdam, Yoongi had felt dizzy with fear even just forming the words in his mouth, but now that he had said them once, they tasted differently. Less scary, but somehow more emotional. He hadn't expected his throat to close up before he had even really said anything, but there he was, his eyes suddenly hot and his jaw tight with the involuntary pressure of upcoming tears.

'Oh?' Namjoon said after a while. Yoongi didn't want to look at him, even when his voice was still soft. All he could hope for was that Namjoon couldn't tell from the side how his vision was suddenly blurry. 'Do you want to tell me more about it?'

He took another deep breath, squared his shoulders, swallowed against the lump in his throat.

'I've wanted to tell you ever since I came to Seoul. I just couldn't.'

Namjoon just waited in silence, though he did come a little closer to him. It was that movement, the quiet reassurance, that made Yoongi feel certain that he could see the wetness in his eyes.

'Last year, it was in Amsterdam,' he said, forcing the words now. Another deep breath. And then, 'I came out to him. To Jungkook-ah.'

Nothing about how the day had gone had prepared Yoongi that he'd be having this conversation today, but it had been like that last year, too, where he had suddenly felt overwhelmed by the need to finally put this into words. And besides, he had worked up to this for weeks. Something had to give, and this was where he wanted it to start. By letting Namjoon know at least this much of the truth.

He dared a look to the side only to see Namjoon looking out over the arena now, mirroring him.

'Tell me it's alright,' Yoongi nearly whispered, followed by a weak attempt of a laugh that came out all wrong. He watched Namjoon's jaw set, scarily, not at all like reassurance.

'Of course it's alright,' he said quietly. 'It's not even that much of a surprise. You don't have to spend a second worrying about me feeling badly about this. It doesn't make a difference now and it wouldn't have made one years ago.'

There was so much honesty in Namjoon's voice, it was impossible for Yoongi to deny the relief that he felt at it, impossible for Yoongi not to believe him, or to hold back the tears that silently fell down his trembling cheeks now. But at the same time there was more.

'But you're angry I'm only telling you now? That I told Kook-ah first?'

Namjoon's chest expanded with a deep breath, then deflated with a sigh. He turned to face Yoongi, and finally their eyes met. The warmth in Namjoon's gaze was still there, only it was more complicated now.

'Not angry. I'm just wondering why you ever felt that you couldn't tell me this. Did I ever make you feel like I wasn't a safe person to talk to?'

Yoongi shook his head, then pulled up his nose and brought his hand up to wipe at his cheeks with his sleeve.

'Of course not. But this isn't about you. I came to Seoul dead set on leaving this part of me behind and that decision never had anything to do with you personally.'

Namjoon seemed to consider this, considered Yoongi's tears, too, then let out a low hum.

'I guess I can see why. Why you thought that part of you had no place here, at the company, in the industry, as SUGA. But between us it has, don't you think?'

'I do now. It just took me a long time to get there. I'm so tired of you not knowing, and I only realised it when I told Kook-ah. I never knew how good it feels to be able to talk about this.'

Namjoon nodded. He reached a hand out to place it on Yoongi's upper arm in comfort, so unlike the overwhelming hugs he would have already received from the other members for crying.

'Why him?'

It was a question Yoongi had asked himself a million times before, only on a different level. This part, he could maybe explain.

'Remember how I saw him with that girl last year? At the venue?' The hint of a smile on Namjoon's lips was enough to make Yoongi mirror it and wipe at his cheeks again. 'We talked a lot after that. About his ex and his experiences, and he asked so many questions, it had been a while since I had to be careful about what I said. I didn't want to be careful anymore I guess.'

The shrug that Namjoon gave him was almost helpless, though the weak smile on his face remained where it was.

'What about all the hours we spent talking about my exes?' he huffed. 'As trainees, sex and girls was all we ever talked about at the dorm. You could have just said something a million times in the past.'

'It's not as easy as you make it sound. I can barely talk about it now. All I knew before Seoul was terror at the thought of someone finding out. I built a wall around it when I left home.'

Yoongi hated how his voice broke, hated how his tears wouldn't stop falling, but he couldn't bring himself to hate it when Namjoon pulled him into his chest now with a determined hand in his neck. Even if it made things worse, if it made him let out a sob he hadn't allowed in years.

'God, Hyung,' Namjoon sighed, 'I'm sorry. Of course I don't understand what it's like, I can only imagine. I'm glad you're telling me now, okay?'

Regardless of his words, Yoongi was falling now. He hadn't cried like this in so long, even when he had wanted to too many times over the last few months. During the fall when he had been confused about kissing Jungkook and scared about what it would do to their friendship, during winter when he had fucked up their communication, during spring when he had missed him endlessly, and now, when they had finally found their way to each other again and still Yoongi was too scared to ask Jungkook what they were really doing. Even before all that, he'd wanted to cry for having feelings for his friend, someone so young, so decidedly into girls at the time.

There was too much that he'd kept inside, and now that Namjoon finally knew at least one piece of it, all Yoongi could do was to fall into him. It took him a long time before he managed to stop trembling and his breathing calmed down, but the tears kept staining the fabric of Namjoon's shirt.

'You're such an idiot,' Namjoon muttered. 'Keeping to yourself like this? What good did that ever do anyone?'

And that was the other piece of course. The fact that even after finally letting Namjoon in, Yoongi could still not be completely honest with him. They might be closer to the truth now, yet they were too far from it, and it physically hurt Yoongi to shove that part of his confession far away for now. Jungkook wasn't his truth to confess to anyone, even when it made him shudder in Namjoon's arms again with how badly he wanted to say more than what he had.

'I'm sorry,' he eventually managed. 'I'm sorry I kept this from you. I'm sorry that there are parts of my life I never talked about.'

'I'm just sorry you carried this around on your own.' Namjoon's hand moved to Yoongi's shoulder and he finally pulled back to wipe at his cheeks again. They felt raw and blotchy now, and he could already hear his stylist Noona's frustration. 'But I'm glad Jungkookie talked some sense into you. However he did it, he seems to have helped, no?'

Yoongi nodded.

'He's been good,' he mumbled, the grandest understatement he'd ever made.

'Does anyone else know? You said only him?'

'Yeah. Only him.'

'And outside of the group?'

'No one. I mean, guys in Daegu I suppose, but any statement they'd make about me would be one they'd make about themselves. You don't have to worry about this jeopardising the group.'

Claiming that no part of this was putting the group at risk was another lie of course, another thought for Yoongi to shove away.

'That's not why I asked. If you've managed to keep this away from the public for almost a decade, I don't think it's the first thing we need to discuss right now.'

'What then?'

'I don't even know,' Namjoon huffed, 'You said guys? The stories you told me about hook ups in Daegu, none of those happened with girls?'

'Some. But I'm not interested in girls, if that's what you're asking. Never really have been.'

Again, Yoongi pulled up his nose. His face was still wet, even if he wasn't really crying anymore. He only felt exhausted now. Relieved, but drained.

'That was what I was asking, but it shouldn't have been, huh?' Namjoon grinned. 'I guess I should ask how you feel about it. How your family is about it. How you've been the last, what, seven years when you could never properly tell me.'

Yoongi let out another deep breath, then finally managed to mirror Namjoon's smile a little.

'I've had a lot of time to accept it. That wasn't the hard part. I want to think my family would be better about it now than they would have been back then, but I'm not too sure.'

'And all those times you said you're dating your music, that's still true? There's no one you kept from me?'

The guilt that Yoongi felt when he shook his head broke him a little.

'It's all true. I decided it would be safer not to see anyone.'

'Safer, yes,' Namjoon hummed. 'But it must have been lonely.'

Yoongi only nodded. He couldn't really go into how before Jungkook he really had felt fine, because saying any of that would prompt a conversation about why it suddenly didn't. Why after so many years he was suddenly breaking down about it.

'So the others don't know, except for Kook-ah. And you don't want to change that for now?'

He shook his head now.

'Not now. I don't know. Probably at some point soon.'

'Okay. Take your time. They'll be good about it, you know that.'

'Yeah. Logically, I know. Doesn't change the fact that it's a truth that could fuck up their entire lives, so it's still not an easy thing to put on them. On you.'

'It's not a choice you made, Hyung. Rather, you've made a choice for the group for so long, and they'll appreciate that. No one will hold it against you if after nearly a decade you're tired of putting us first.'

'I'm still putting Bangtan first. Nothing has to change. I'm not looking to make this public, I just want you to know.'

'Okay,' was all Namjoon said again. Then he reached a hand out once more to pat Yoongi's shoulder a little helplessly. 'Whenever you need me, you can talk to me.'

'I know. I really do.'

And still he found himself wondering if Namjoon's reaction would change at all if he went on confessing. If he told him about all those moments that he'd shared with Jungkook, the feelings he had for him, the future that he wanted with him that didn't have a name yet.

Chapter Text

Of course it was impossible to hide his red eyes and puffy cheeks from the others. He managed to wave his stylist Noona off when she came running towards him back in the green room, her face more one of concern for him than for his skin, but it wasn't as easy to do with Jungkook. He could feel his attention on him from the other side of the room, but all he could do was give him a smile to let him know he was alright before Hobi was by his side with iced coffee and too many questions and pats on his back.

It was easy enough to make him believe that three days of constant filming had him feeling stressed and unlike himself, even when he hated the instant look of concern on Hobi's face. Still he stuck to his story believably enough for Jungkook to quietly mumble on their way to rehearsal a little while later, 'The tour is getting to you?'

He had caught up with Yoongi in one of the hallways under the stage and was now extending his bag of pepero sticks to him as if sharing his snacks were the only reason to seek him out.

'No,' Yoongi simply said. He eyed the chocolate, then reached for one without really feeling like it.

'No? It's what Taehyung Hyung said.'

'Because that's what I told him.'

'And what version am I getting?'

'The truth,' Yoongi promised. 'But later.'

Jungkook agreed with a silent, slightly begrudging hum, but made sure that later was the earliest moment they could be alone with each other. There was nothing they could do about the pre-show schedule and the crowded dressing room they returned to following their rehearsal, but as they were ushered towards the back exit of the venue after the concert, Jungkook appeared by Yoongi's side once again and bodily pushed Hobi out of the way to the car Yoongi had been scheduled for.

'Sorry, Hyung,' Jungkook grinned, 'We're working on that song idea, I need Yoongi Hyung's brain.'

'No respect for your elders,' Hobi muttered as he rubbed his arm theatrically, but then added, before Jungkook could close the car door on him, 'Hey, you were going to send me those lyrics! I'm still waiting.'

Jungkook nodded, then shut the door and immediately reached a hand out to Yoongi's sleeve to pull on it.

'It was a good show, no?' he asked at the same time at which Yoongi noted, 'You're not being very subtle.'

'Subtle about what?' Jungkook whined. 'About spending time with you? Because no, I'm not. There's no reason to lie about that. I don't lie about riding with Jimin Hyung most of the time.'

'You're not getting off with Jimin-ah,' Yoongi argued between his teeth, quietly enough to make it impossible for their driver to hear, even though their Korean was probably a safe shield. Still, Yoongi was relieved when he watched him take a call on his headset a second later as they made their way into traffic.

'But that's the thing,' Jungkook said next to him. 'No one thinks that I am, right? Even though I'm with him all the time? In his hotel room? Maybe we're overthinking it.'

It was such a desperate attempt at making their situation easier on them, Yoongi couldn't really crush it. This was Jungkook clutching at straws, trying his best to convince himself that there was a way for this to be easy, despite how they had agreed to make more of an effort at secrecy less than a week ago. They had agreed that it was the only way their arrangement would work. Yoongi hummed noncommittally, then started tugging at a loose thread of fabric lining a hole in his jeans by his knee.

'If anything, we need to think more about it now,' he sighed.

'Why?'

There was something challenging in Jungkook's voice, something defiant that Yoongi would have found endearing had it not been so dangerous. His constant back and forth between recklessly pretending he didn't care and then gloomily acknowledging the reality of being a secret wasn't something Yoongi thought he could stomach for much longer.

He turned to look at Jungkook when he told him, his voice still low, 'When I was with Joon-ah earlier, I told him about myself. Not about you though.'

Jungkook had always been easy to read, but right now it was impossible to follow the many expressions that were battling on his face. There was surprise at first, wide, somewhat scared eyes, but also a twitch of the corner of his mouth a moment later, instinctive happiness. Jungkook opened his mouth, closed it again, then only said, 'Yoongi.'

'Maybe I should have talked to you before,' Yoongi admitted. 'But I've been thinking about it for a while, and I couldn't... I couldn't let another moment pass.'

With another glance at their driver who was speaking rapid English on the phone, he reached for Jungkook's hand that he had wrapped around his seatbelt across his chest. He brushed his fingers over his knuckles, felt Jungkook's hand drop to the middle seat in invitation, then watched their hands intertwine for a moment before he drew his own back with a pointed look at the rearview mirror that might potentially expose them.

'You didn't say anything about us?'

'Nothing. Only that you know, that we've been spending more time together because of it. Maybe it'll put his mind at ease a little about that part. It's a good explanation to give him.'

'Maybe. Or maybe he'll figure it out now. He's not stupid.'

Yoongi frowned, thrown off by the uncharacteristic pessimism coming from Jungkook. He seemed to be unsure about how to feel just yet, his face was still riddled with emotions, too many thoughts clearly piling up at once.

'There's a chance of that, yeah,' Yoongi was forced to admit. Now that he thought about it, he realised that Jungkook was right. He hadn't really helped them by telling Namjoon a half-truth that made it so much easier for him to put two and two together now. 'He said he wasn't surprised anyways though. So maybe the risk is the same.'

'He wasn't? What else did he say?' Jungkook paused, then added, 'Why did you cry?'

'He was good about it,' Yoongi rushed to reassure him. 'It was just a lot. Remember how it was when I told you? It's not easy to put something into words that I tried so hard to keep to myself for so long.'

'You're relieved?'

'I guess. How do you feel?'

'I don't know. I... I'm glad for you. There's just a lot of thoughts.'

It was so like Jungkook, so honest in its simplicity, Yoongi couldn't keep himself from reaching out again and running the tips of his fingers over the back of Jungkook's hand.

'Yeah,' he said again. He looked out of the window where a little in the distance he could see the most dedicated part of tonight's crowd still lingering near the stadium. That connection he had felt to them on stage felt far out of reach suddenly, now that he was ghosting his fingers over Jungkook's repeatedly and talking to him about things no one outside the group would ever know about, if even that.

'I'm relieved,' he repeated, 'But at the same time there's so much guilt about the parts I couldn't tell him about. In a way it's worse to pretend I'm finally baring my soul to him when there's still so much I'm lying about. Worse than to just keep this entire thing to myself.'

Jungkook was quiet. When Yoongi looked to the side, he only nodded in acknowledgement.

'I know. That's where I got stuck too when I considered telling someone. Jimin Hyung.'

Before Yoongi could say anything, he saw his phone light up where he had tossed it into the middle seat. He only grabbed it because he saw Namjoon's name.

You're one popular guy, Hyung, his text said, but he was still typing. I wanted to catch your car, but Hobi Hyung said he planned for the same and was tackled by JK.

Yoongi fought a smile as he typed, No one tackled anyone.

'Is it Hyung?'

At Jungkook's question, Yoongi turned his phone around to show him the screen.

'See how you're not being subtle?'

Jungkook only sighed and sank deeper into his seat.

'What's wrong with sharing a car?' he mumbled. 'I'm not stupid or naive about this, it's just... I don't want to think about it every time I'm around you.'

'I know. I really do.'

On his phone screen another text popped up.

Let's get a drink tonight. Are you still doing that drinking challenge with JK? He can come if you were going to hang out.

Yoongi let his thumbs hover over the screen long enough for Jungkook to lean over and read his messages again.

'A drink sounds good,' he said. 'Right?'

'Right.'

And still he hesitated before typing, Yes to drinks, yes to JK, but we should probably stay in.

It was obvious that they had more to talk about, that Namjoon was suggesting to get together and was inviting only Jungkook along because their earlier conversation wasn't done, and if that was the case, they shouldn't look for a bar or anywhere else where they could easily be overheard.

I'll come over after a shower then.

Yoongi sent only a thumbs up in response. Then he threw his phone back onto the middle seat and leaned his head against the headrest.

'I wish it could be only you tonight,' he said as he closed his eyes. 'I feel drained.'

'Tell him then.'

'Too obvious.'

There was no response again, and so Yoongi opened his eyes and let his head roll to the side. The look on Jungkook's face was still complex, but he looked less thrown off track now. More collected.

'We'll have a drink or two,' Yoongi said, 'I'll give him the details he probably wants. Then it can be just us.'

Jungkook mirrored him then, leaned his head back and looked at him thoughtfully.

'That's not obvious then? Kicking him out to be alone?'

'You can go for a bit. Come back.'

Jungkook bit his lower lip.

'I still don't like it. All the lying and sneaking around. I know that it is what it is, but I don't like it.'

'I don't either. If there were another option I'd take it.'

There were more unsaid thoughts Jungkook was sorting through, it was obvious in the sudden concentration on his face, the little line between his eyes.

'I'm glad you told Hyung,' was all he eventually said. 'I'm surprised that you did.'

Yoongi nodded. He still couldn't really comprehend it either. After so many years, he had finally broken today, and he couldn't really explain what had been the moment that had made him decide.

'It's been on my mind a lot, ever since I went home I guess. Ever since you. It was easier before all that, to just never say anything.'

'I still don't know how you did that.'

They'd had this conversation too many times before, so Yoongi chose to only give Jungkook a look and then stretched his leg out to touch his foot to Jungkook's shin.

'It's scary when you cry,' Jungkook said next. 'I was worried about you.'

'No need. Besides, how many times have I seen you in tears on this tour alone?'

Jungkook shrugged.

'So you're used to it. I'm not used to it from you.'

'That should be a good thing.'

'It is.'

They fell back into silence then. Jungkook turned to look out the window, probably processing their conversation. Yoongi reached for his phone again until he finally found the picture of the stage he had taken earlier. He let Jungkook scroll through his gallery after he showed him, mostly pictures he had saved from their group chat or convenient snapshots of things he needed to buy or settings for production programmes. But really, he watched Jungkook more than he watched the phone now in his hand.

Everything seemed so easy when Jungkook said it. He was happy for Yoongi. He was glad that Namjoon knew. He didn't want to lie, didn't want to hide. Whenever he said those things, all Yoongi wanted was to agree and throw all caution in the wind. But the second they weren't together anymore, all the anxieties Yoongi felt kept crawling back to him. It was an exhausting back and forth, and it didn't help that Jungkook seemed to feel it too.

With another sigh, Yoongi reached for Jungkook's hand again, then brought it up to his lips while watching the rearview mirror to make sure they weren't being observed. In his peripheral vision, he saw Jungkook smile. And it was what he chose to focus on. Again and again, he'd have to make that choice. Remind himself of what was growing between them, how it was worth the confusion and the lies, and how it felt when Jungkook looked at him like this.

...

Never before had Yoongi been glad to see Namjoon leave. What was even more surreal was that Jungkook looked like he felt the same way the second that the door to Yoongi's hotel room fell close and left them alone with each other. Their eyes met across the room and the relief that passed between them was undeniable, even if Yoongi felt instantly guilty for it. He let out a deep breath and turned to make sure the door was locked.

It was way past midnight, but the late hour wasn't why Yoongi was exhausted. He was also buzzing with a few glasses of whisky, but not nearly drunk enough to feel relaxed, or even singleminded the way he sometimes got around Jungkook when they had both been drinking. He hadn't had enough drinks to blame them for his exhaustion. Yoongi hated to admit it, but it was Namjoon's presence that had drained him. Or rather the combination of him and Jungkook in the same room with Yoongi's newly shared secret so unaddressed between them and still begging for attention.

He had expected the same questions Jungkook had asked at first, inquiries about his past in Daegu, whether anything he had said about his experiences had been a lie, if there was another idol he might be interested in, what kind of guys he liked. But Namjoon's interest was different. It had only taken a few drinks for him to carefully bring up Yoongi's therapy sessions again and ask how much had come up during them over the years. For a while Yoongi had found himself explaining that his sexuality had little to do with the times he had struggled mentally, or sometimes still did, and that Namjoon hadn't failed to be there for him by not knowing this truth about him.

They had knocked back more drinks before Namjoon's attention had shifted towards Jungkook and Yoongi had grown tense enough to bring more space between them even when Jungkook had already been on the other side of the bed, clearly too conscious of the by now familiar closeness between them.

'You've grown up so much,' Namjoon had smiled and ruffled Jungkook's hair. 'Being the one your Hyungs choose to confide in. I'm proud of you, Kook-ah.' Another drink later, he had slapped a hand on his shoulder and told him, 'Thank you for looking after Yoongi Hyung. I appreciate it, Kookie.'

Yoongi had bitten down hard on the inside of his lower lip to keep himself from letting out his usual tirade about how Jungkook wasn't a kid anymore, how there was nothing surprising in him being treated as an equal, being trusted, being the one to take care of his friends from time to time. It was how it should be, Jungkook couldn't forever remain a kid in the other members' eyes, but Yoongi had said so often enough to know that it wouldn't change how Namjoon, Hobi, or Jin viewed Jungkook. It wasn't something they could help.

'What's wrong with me?' he asked Jungkook now that they were alone, half serious, half with a sighed out laugh. 'I've had the revelation that you've grown up years ago. Joon-ah's gonna kill me if he ever finds out how I think about you.'

The look Jungkook gave him was thoughtful, intrigued.

'Years ago?'

It was the first diversion Yoongi could think of when he asked, 'Did you feel watched, too? Like he's one step away from figuring it all out? I couldn't even look at you without thinking he'd know.'

Yoongi already knew his answer. Jungkook had been nervous, too obviously so, and it had been impossible for Yoongi not to feel the same way because of it. Not to overthink every move he made around him, not to glare at Jungkook every time he hummed knowingly as Yoongi spoke, having heard most of his thoughts before. Being around Jungkook had changed so gradually, it was only becoming obvious how much so now that Yoongi was forced to pay attention, was forced to hide the fact.

Jungkook nodded, but only said, 'You wanted me to leave with him. I'm sorry.'

'Whatever. I never wanted you to leave, I just figured it was an option if he asked questions.'

He walked back over to the bed where Jungkook was still sitting with his legs crossed underneath him and an empty glass of whisky in his hands. His cheeks were a little flushed, but he seemed sober enough. Over the course of the last few months, he'd learned to handle his liquor better than he had before Yoongi had happened to him.

'You know,' Yoongi noted as he reclaimed his space by the headrest, his legs nearly stretched out, 'It sometimes feels as if it weren't for me, you'd shout it all out into the world. You say you wouldn't, that you know we can't, but it still feels like you're doing me a favour.'

'No,' Jungkook started shaking his head before Yoongi was even done speaking. 'Not into the world. Never. I haven't even fully wrapped by head around liking guys. Or just you, I don't even really know.'

He leaned forward and reached for Yoongi's foot which he offered to him further by stretching out his leg entirely. He sighed when Jungkook dug his thumb into his instep and tried to ignore the way his heart was racing at his words.

'It still feels like there's something you want to say about it. You know you can, right?'

Jungkook looked down at where his hand was now wrapping around his ankle.

'Only how much I hate this. The lies. You already know that,' he mumbled. 'It was awkward as hell just now.'

'I know. But that's all? Nothing we haven't already complained about?'

Jungkook nodded, but kept on thinking too loudly. For a while, Yoongi let him. He rolled his foot in silent demand and enjoyed the pressure of Jungkook's hand again, not quite a massage, but relaxing either way.

'I wonder,' he eventually started, 'How bad it would really be to tell the others.'

Yoongi closed his eyes at his words. Somehow, however deep down, he had known this would be coming, but he hadn't expected it quite so soon. Not when it hadn't even been a full week yet since they had agreed that staying away from each other wasn't an option.

'I'm not asking,' Jungkook continued, 'I'm really just wondering. Don't you think there's a chance that they might be okay with it? That we're making it worse the longer we wait to say anything?'

When Yoongi opened his eyes, Jungkook was still looking down in the same way he had before. There was something anxious on his face, as if he was worried he'd upset Yoongi somehow, had pushed too far, and Yoongi hated it.

'I know what you mean.' He tried to put as much reassurance into his voice as he could. 'It's not like I haven't thought about it. What's the difference between this truth and that one? And then, if Joon-ah knows, why not the others? I've had those thoughts, too.'

'And what are your answers?'

Yoongi shrugged.

'I don't really know. One step at a time I suppose.'

'Today was big.'

There it finally was again. A small smile on Jungkook's lips that Yoongi wanted to freeze and keep there forever.

'Yeah,' he nodded. 'It feels a little unreal.'

Jungkook's hand ran up his calf now, slowly, above his pants, and yet it drew Yoongi's attention. He watched Jungkook shift closer so that he could reach higher, then lean over to place his glass on the floor next to the bed.

'What would we even tell them?'

His own question made Yoongi's throat tighten, made his heart race even worse than before, but it came out too quickly. He had already asked himself this too many times. He didn't dare to look at Jungkook so he continued to watch his hands that were now back on his lower leg, rubbing up and down his shin.

'The truth?'

It was a return question, not the answer that Yoongi wanted.

'And what's that?' he pushed, his voice quiet with how anxious he felt. 'Here's some news,' he tried, 'We've been hooking up for a year? Been fucking around? Are we asking for their blessing or what?'

Despite his language, his challenging tone, Jungkook understood his nerves for what they were. He only grinned, a beautiful sight that Yoongi only caught in his peripheral vision.

'A year? Not quite, no?'

Now, Yoongi snapped his gaze up at him only to roll his eyes in weak annoyance.

'I'd tell them differently,' Jungkook thought out loud. He scooted in a little closer, his lips prettily pursed as he considered his words. 'You could take me on an actual date and we could start with that. Focus less on the messing around bit, but...'

He faltered, his confidence as much of a pretence as he had once told Yoongi that it was. His teeth grazed his lower lip, then he sighed and crawled over Yoongi so he could sit right next to him, his back up against the headrest of the bed.

'A date?' Yoongi grinned as he watched him settle in. 'That's what you want?'

It was a joke, of course it was, and still there were stupid butterflies and his heart was beating out of his chest. It didn't help that Jungkook suddenly seemed nervous next to him.

'I don't know, it would be nice,' he said quietly. 'I've only been on dates with girls. I wonder if it feels the same.'

'Is dinner enough?'

'Anything. I just want... If we did ever tell them, I'd want to have a word for it. And I can't say dating if there hasn't been a date.'

Dating. Jeon Jungkook wanted to date him. Yoongi forced himself to take a deep breath.

'Maybe it wouldn't feel much different from just hanging out. Would that be okay?'

'Hanging out feels different with you, anyways. It's not like it is with the Hyungs. I don't constantly want to kiss them.'

Yoongi forced himself to ignore that bit of information, too. Or his reaction to it.

'So this can be a date.'

'No. Not when Rapmon was there for most of it.'

'Okay,' Yoongi smiled, ignoring the perfect set up to tease him about Namjoon. 'I'll take you out then. Next chance we get. No feeling anxious over who'll ask questions.'

'Promise?'

The questioning tone made Yoongi grin. Of course it was true that Yoongi needed the reminder more than Jungkook did. Jungkook went through phases of anxiety, or maybe something closer to worry or disappointment, but they seemed to come and go whereas Yoongi's fear of being found out was so deeply ingrained in him he found it hard to find the off switch at all.

'Promise.'

He turned his head at the same time that Jungkook did. His eyes were warm with joy, with the playfulness of their conversation that Yoongi knew wasn't really that at all. Jungkook wanted answers, too. Maybe the same ones as he did. He wanted a word for what this was, and maybe some day dating wouldn't be enough for him, either. There were so many possibilities, so much hope that bubbled up in Yoongi's chest, he could hardly contain it.

The lines were more blurred with Jungkook than they ever had been with anyone else before, their friendship had so easily turned into more, had so gradually transformed over months and maybe even years. What difference would a dinner make? Weren't they already so far past that? How many more sides to this would they discover before there would be only one word for it and that would be forever? Infinite maybe?

Yoongi had known for a long time that the attraction he felt towards Jungkook was more than appreciation, or maybe a phase, an infatuation. In his weakest moments he had fantasised over Jungkook in ways he now no longer had to imagine. But what he had never once allowed himself to really think of was what lay beyond that. Beyond the attraction, beyond the obvious friendship. It almost hurt Yoongi to let himself picture it for a second, a world in which he could have all of Jungkook like that.

'You're addictive,' he told him, their faces suddenly too close. 'Impossible not to date.'

The smile on Jungkook's face was so bright, Yoongi leaned in to kiss it before his heart would break over it. It took a long time before they could focus, before the playfulness disappeared and they stopped pulling apart again and again only to look at each other and smile. Their lips moved lazily, both of them tired from the day and aware of how late it was, and yet Yoongi couldn't ignore the rising want within him. It never failed to show whenever he was touching Jungkook, no matter how exhausted he was.

He let his hand wander down to Jungkook's waist, pulled him in a little closer, then realised it still wasn't enough. It helped to slide his fingers under Jungkook's shirt, to touch his warm skin and taste his responding sigh, but it wasn't long before he found himself pulling at his waist again, needing him closer, on top of him, their bodies pressed together. Only Jungkook didn't move. Instead, he brought his own hand down, then used the fabric of Yoongi's shirt to draw him up, over to him, into his lap when Yoongi allowed it. Jungkook's grip on him tightened so much, Yoongi wondered if he could have lifted him up even without his help.

The second that he sank down on Jungkook's thighs, their eyes met again. Jungkook was smiling, apparently eager at every new way they were learning to be close to each other. Yoongi had straddled him before, but only ever briefly. He'd always pushed Jungkook back in the past, had leaned over him and taken the lead.

'Is it okay?' Jungkook's words brushed against Yoongi's jaw and made him shiver. 'Just wanna know how it feels.'

Yoongi let their foreheads touch, ghosted a kiss against his lips.

'Why wouldn't it be okay?'

There was no response other than a kiss, not until Yoongi drew away from him with a little hum of encouragement.

'I don't know. I've had girls in my lap like this.'

The reminder shouldn't have been as intriguing as it was, but somehow even when it wasn't with him, imagining Jungkook in these heated moments made Yoongi's insides tighten. It hadn't always been that way, but somehow he felt differently about Jungkook's past now that he himself was part of his present. Now that Jungkook kept suggesting that he wasn't looking for anything else anymore.

'What, you need to reinvent the whole game when it's a guy?' he gently teased. 'Touch me only in manly ways? What are those?'

He felt Jungkook shove at his hips in complaint at his question, but there was also a soft giggle that got lost between their lips.

'Just don't wanna do it wrong,' he mumbled. 'Insult you somehow.'

'Did you feel insulted when I had you in my lap?'

He felt Jungkook shake his head. Then they kissed again, never allowing a minute to go by without it.

'You said you prefer topping.'

Jungkook's words were only a whisper, but they made Yoongi draw away properly now to be able to look at him again. What he saw was Jungkook's expectant eyes, as though what he had said was enough for Yoongi to know what he wanted him to respond.

'What are you saying?'

Jungkook groaned, tried to lean in for another kiss, but Yoongi didn't let him.

'Just...' he tried, 'This was easier with girls. I mostly knew what was expected of me. I don't really know with you. Whether you like to be in control, or... Whether I can have you like this.' He rubbed his hands over Yoongi's sides, indicating the way he was holding him, the way he could guide his whole body with his hands. 'Can I?'

All those times he had asked Jungkook where his nerves were hiding or how he managed not to feel too overwhelmed. Finally, he was starting to get an answer. It was these moments, the overthinking, the comparing, the need to study this new situation to get it perfectly right. It was Jungkook's way to come to terms with it, to understand this new side of him.

In response to it, Yoongi shuffled forward in Jungkook's lap. He needed him to stop thinking so hard, needed to remind him how good it was without it. When Jungkook's eyes fluttered close for a second and he felt him twitch underneath him, he leaned in to press slow kisses to his jaw.

'We can do this any way you want,' he told him. 'There's no right or wrong. You shouldn't always know what to expect, that's the fun in it.'

'Are you gonna tell me not to think again?' Jungkook's sigh was shaky, his laugh breathless, and paired with a weak roll of his hips, chasing Yoongi's body.

'No. I want to hear your thoughts on it. But between us, you can try whatever you want to try. You don't have to worry about roles to play or dynamics to fit into. Just do what feels right. I like topping, doesn't mean you can't ever be in control.'

Jungkook's hands dropped down to his ass, pulled him in closer.

'I like this,' he whispered. 'I like touching you.'

Yoongi nodded. There was something comforting in having Jungkook's arms around him like this, being sat in his lap like he was safe and could let go of whatever had been on his mind all day. It didn't mean that he didn't love to press Jungkook's body down into the mattress, too, but Yoongi had always enjoyed Jungkook's ambiguity the most, the way that he wasn't afraid of any side of himself, no matter how conflicting.

'I like when you do,' he told him, his flushed face hidden in Jungkook's neck where he was now sucking on his skin just lightly enough not to leave any marks. He rolled his hips down again just as lightly, felt Jungkook grow harder against him. It was quickly becoming his favourite part of this all, knowing how he could turn Jungkook on, feeling his body react so obviously. It still blew his mind that it was Jungkook against him, underneath him, Jungkook he was doing this with after so long.

'I like when you take control though,' Jungkook quietly confessed as he drew Yoongi's shirt up in his back. 'I really do.'

Yoongi had to pull back in order to let Jungkook take off his shirt and he decided to use the same moment to drag Jungkook's up as well. He'd never tire of seeing him shirtless, of drinking in all that exposed skin, of being allowed to stare.

'Okay.' He was out of breath, distracted by the planes of Jungkook's chest and abs, the slight softness of his belly. The straining bulge where their bodies were pressed together. 'Okay. I like it too. I like seeing you fall apart. Hearing you.'

He leaned in again, and this time their kiss felt more urgent, more heated. Yoongi made a point of pushing up against Jungkook a little harder, running his hands all over his upper body without holding back, kissing him deeper, grinding their hips together hard and deliberate. It didn't take much for Jungkook to start getting too distracted to kiss him back, for low moans and needy sighs to escape him, for his hips to roll up and into Yoongi's repeatedly.

After what he'd said last, Yoongi expected to be allowed to fully take over, he was already halfway to the elastic of Jungkook's briefs that sat a little higher than that of his sweats, but what he got instead was Jungkook's hand dropping down to his crotch where he cupped him over the fabric. The groan Yoongi swallowed was still too loud, he felt his cheeks grow hot, but it was impossible not to lose his composure when Jungkook touched him like this. It was still a little experimental, but not at all uncertain when he rubbed his palm over Yoongi's hardness.

Despite the growing need within him, the pleasure that was building even through two layers of fabric, Yoongi managed to somehow shuffle back a little in Jungkook's lap to give himself enough room to reach for Jungkook in return. He drew back his waistband right away and only took a second to appreciate the sight before he wrapped his hand around him this time. He didn't know how many more times he'd have to do this before he'd get somewhat used to seeing Jungkook like this, before he'd feel like Jungkook's reactions alone wouldn't take him apart immediately.

The gasp Jungkook let out was too hot, too desperate, and so was the way in which his entire body arched into Yoongi's. For a moment he became too distracted to do anything but breathe as he looked down between them, but then he collected himself enough to hook his fingers under Yoongi's waistband, to draw it back enough to be able to rub his palm over the head. They were both breathing heavily, their hands moving slowly with how much it was to take in still.

Yoongi could no longer remember how he had managed to go five years without this, let alone how he had spent so many years close to Jungkook without ever having this with him. Feeling his touch like this was all he'd ever want in life, he thought, paired with the heady feeling of rubbing his own hand up and down Jungkook's cock, making him fall further apart minute by minute. They were panting against each other's lips, their hips rocking together as they fell into the perfect rhythm. Yoongi could feel that Jungkook was imitating him, was following his lead, and so he showed him exactly what he wanted, what he liked, by touching Jungkook the same way.

'Don't stop,' he found himself whispering into Jungkook's mouth, 'Don't...'

He sped up a little and felt the hand on his cock mirror him, making the pleasure tighten more sharply in his gut. Every gasp he let out was echoed by Jungkook, there was wetness on his palm, endless heat under his touch. Instinctively he pressed closer to him, arched his hips forward eagerly enough to make their knuckles knock together. Jungkook's groan was paired with a twitch of his cock and for a second Yoongi thought he was going to come, that he was close enough, but then he only shuddered, a broken, 'Hyung,' leaving his lips.

Their knuckles came together again, their hands moving perfectly in sync now, and Yoongi didn't think when he slowed down, pressed a little closer even, then let go of Jungkook only to pull at his wrist. The second that he could, Yoongi took hold of both of them, and his hips rolled forward immediately into the friction. Heat rose up his spine, not only at the feeling of Jungkook's cock against his own, but also at his reaction, at the shudder that went through him and the choked out sound that kissed his lips.

'Yoongi,' he moaned, 'Yes.'

'Yeah?'

'Yes, yes, faster,' Jungkook whispered, a messy kiss pressed to his lips before his gaze dropped down again. Yoongi followed him and felt his heart messily tumble for a few beats at the sight. They fit together perfectly, both of them glistening and so hard, so flushed with want. He picked up a rhythm that was not quite as determined as before, but enough to make Jungkook's breathing uncontrolled and interlaced with gasps and those low, cut off moans Yoongi was getting so addicted to.

Somehow, Jungkook managed to tilt his hips just right, to roll his body into Yoongi's hand as best as he could, to make the slide and the friction even better. Yoongi was falling apart, he could feel the growing tension of pleasure in his entire body, but he could feel it in Jungkook's, too. There was so much need, it was pure bliss, so much of it that Yoongi wondered how he hadn't burned up alive yet.

''m close,' he managed, and Jungkook's forehead knocked against his own when he nodded frantically.

'Yoongi,' he only groaned, one hand tightened on his waist, the other ran over his chest, a thumb rubbing over his nipple to make Yoongi's hips kick forward into his own touch. It was getting messy, he was losing his rhythm, tried to pick up speed but struggled to keep both of them together that way.

When Jungkook's hand wrapped around his own, he closed his eyes and let himself fall over the edge. Wave after wave of nothing but frantic ecstasy crashed down over him, he kept his hand moving, had to because Jungkook was urging him on, was moving both of them and his own hips for another few beats, another second, then he let out a moan so blissful Yoongi felt it in his own bones. There was more wetness, on his hand, his belly, the twitching of Jungkook's cock against his own so good, so hot, he could hardly believe it was real.

'Oh fuck,' he heard Jungkook's shaky voice, merely breath. He opened his eyes only to take in the way that Jungkook's were blown wide and dark, his cheeks flushed, his lips parted as he looked down between them. When Yoongi dropped his own gaze, he felt his cock twitch weakly in response. They were both messy, glistening not only where their hands were still touching. Yoongi's belly was coated in what he was pretty sure was mostly Jungkook's release, and the sight of it did things to him he couldn't put into words. He wanted to burn the image into his mind, wanted to feel nothing ever again but the overwhelming buzz of afterglow and affection for Jungkook.

It took a long time before he even managed to lean in to place a kiss to the corner of Jungkook's mouth.

'It doesn't get any less overwhelming, huh?'

He only asked because Jungkook seemed entirely entranced by what they had done, a small smile now on his lips, his eyes heavy with satisfaction.

'No. It only gets better the less nervous I am.'

It was how Yoongi felt, too. At first, a lot of it had been pent up tension and need, that was what had made him shatter so quickly under Jungkook's touch despite how his brain had struggled to take it all in, to understand what was happening. Now, he was able to let his mind wander, to think of something other than the fact that it was Jungkook's first experience like that, or that he'd never thought he'd get to give it to him.

With a deep sigh, Yoongi reached for his shirt that had been discarded on the mattress behind him. He cleaned his hand, then Jungkook's, then dragged the fabric over their lower bodies before drawing their briefs back up. Jungkook watched him and let out a low groan when he last ran the shirt over his own belly.

'I know,' Yoongi mumbled. At least he thought he did. There was something so intimate about the sight, even when this wasn't the first time they'd had to clean up. He dropped the shirt back onto the comforter, then leaned forward in Jungkook's lap and brought his arms around his neck. He didn't often seek out hugs like that, but right now he wanted to. The combination of the delicious ache in his spread thighs, the drowsy exhaustion that hit him after an orgasm, and the comfort of Jungkook's body made him feel needy for something other than release.

Jungkook didn't hesitate before he wrapped his arms around him tightly. He ran his hands up and down Yoongi's back, drew slow and lazy circles circles over his shoulder blades and his sides, then moved to gently rub over his bad shoulder which made Yoongi let out a deep sigh. They'd have to properly clean up, Yoongi thought, he'd have to eventually let Jungkook lay down, but instead he let his eyes fall close and found himself drifting off as he breathed in Jungkook's scent right by the nape of his neck.

...

For once, finding time proved to be the easiest component of a plan Yoongi had. After their shows in Jersey, they headed to New York where the rest of their time in the US was full of day time schedules, but left them multiple evenings on which Yoongi could have had management reserve a table for two. More difficult than the scheduling however, was telling himself that no one would ask questions if he and Jungkook went somewhere by themselves.

Most of the evenings they had spent together on this tour had been subtle, after everyone else had retreated to their own rooms. Of course the others were aware that it happened, but probably not of how often, or how they texted whenever they weren't in the same room. Without ever discussing it, Yoongi felt certain that Jungkook hadn't gone out of his way to inform the others about where he was falling asleep. Most likely he hadn't lied about it either, but they had an unspoken agreement about drawing as little attention to themselves as possible.

Going out for dinner wasn't that. Not when Yoongi hardly ever left their hotel unless he had to. They could have made it work with the excuse of Jungkook dragging him out for food, but Yoongi worried too much about anyone else crashing their plans once they got word of it. So he waited and thought about how best to go out with Jungkook without anyone else either tagging along or becoming suspicious if they were explicitly told not to. He let a few nights go by, regretted it afterwards, then finally decided that spontaneity would be the way to go.

It was their last evening in New York, they had just wrapped up their debrief in one of the hotel's conference rooms, and Yoongi caught Jungkook's eye as they shuffled out of the room. Jungkook was moving towards the elevator doors together with Jin when Yoongi held his gaze for a long moment, then headed towards their head manager with determination.

He hadn't even reached her when his phone buzzed in his pocket.

Tonight? was all Jungkook had texted.

Trying.

It was exactly what he did, and still he couldn't convince management to let them go by themselves, not even when his suggestion was a Vietnamese restaurant right across the street from the hotel. The longer their conversation dragged on, the more nervous Yoongi got about catching Namjoon's attention, as he was still lingering in the conference room and chatting with staff, but by the time he had begrudgingly agreed to be escorted by two members of security in half an hour, the plan had still not spread.

Be downstairs in thirty, he texted Jungkook, to which he received a thumbs up and nothing else. Despite Jungkook's occasional teasing and his wanting to explore their new dynamic on every level, he still texted him in the same, almost disinterested way more often than not. Yoongi was glad for it, too. If Jungkook were to overwhelm him with sweet texts and attention, he wouldn't have known what to do with it. It wasn't the Jungkook he had fallen for.

Jungkook took in the security guards with a sceptical glance once they met down in the cleared out lobby a short while later, but didn't comment on them until they were at the restaurant, waiting outside as their staff secured a table for them in the back.

'I guess being alone was too ambitious of a plan,' he said as he looked down at the concrete and stained his new sneakers by kicking his foot against the curb repeatedly.

'I already told them to mind their own business.'

'You can't do that.'

'Not in those words. But they can keep an eye out from a few tables down.'

Despite his own words, Yoongi understood. What he wanted was to take Jungkook out for real, to maybe hold his hand, or at least to not have to think about how he looked at him and what kind of impression the pair of them made from afar. But that much had always been an illusion. He had never expected it, and he knew that logically, Jungkook couldn't have done so either. He was smarter than that.

'Is it okay?' he asked once they were seated in the very back of the restaurant with their security near the window from where they could watch them as well as the door. A few other tables were occupied, but mostly with people who Yoongi didn't think posed much of a threat when it came to being recognised.

'Yeah. Let's send them drinks.'

They made a point of choosing the most expensive craft beer on the menu to send over to their staff, then focused on picking out food themselves. It was Jungkook who pointed at too many things, and Yoongi who kept waving at him to make whatever choice he wanted. When the food arrived, naturally it was too much for them to possibly finish by themselves, but Jungkook made a good attempt, happily humming.

'You've always been like this,' Yoongi told him with a smile. 'Too excited about food.'

'And you've always been fine with just coffee. How are you still the better cook?'

'I don't think that's true. I'm just forced to cook more often.'

'I want to cook for you in Seoul. It'll be easier there, too. To be alone and all.'

'Yeah. But this is still okay?'

Jungkook smiled, but also slapped his hand with his chopsticks as he reached for more food.

'How many times do I have to tell you that it is?'

'Just want you to be happy.'

'Are you?'

'I am.' Yoongi took a bite of his food. 'Joon-ah even asked me about it. He said I seem happier on this tour.'

Jungkook looked around with a smirk on his lips before he mumbled, as quietly as he possibly could, 'You're just getting laid.'

The way that Yoongi lowered his voice was even more cautious than Jungkook's.

'Not often enough.'

He felt Jungkook's foot nudge his under the table.

When Jungkook had asked for them to do this, to go out and call it a date, Yoongi had thought that it would be just like any other dinner that they'd had together in the past. He'd even told Jungkook as much. But even aside from their lowered voices and secret conversation, there was something different about this. Without being able to put his finger on what it was, he felt nervous. The good kind, the one that merged into excitement, but it was still nerves.

What if Jungkook walked away from tonight and felt that the only thing different from hanging out with Yoongi as opposed to his other Hyungs was the whispers about sex? In Jersey, he had said that things felt different between them, but had followed that confession up by how it was all due to wanting to kiss Yoongi. Of course things were different between them now that they had been in bed together. No matter how good a friendship was, Yoongi didn't think being close like that would ever manage not to leave a mark at all.

But was that all that had changed to Jungkook? Or did he feel the same kind of comfort in his company, the same sense of things being right in the world whenever they were together? Even if they went back to separate hotel rooms tonight, even if all they did was talk and share a meal, to Yoongi it meant something different with Jungkook than it would with anyone else.

'You know, I've never been on a date,' he decided to tell Jungkook after a moment of silence.

'Ever?'

After all Yoongi had shared about his life in Daegu, there shouldn't have been any surprise in Jungkook's tone, yet that was what Yoongi heard.

'As if you have,' he suggested rather than explaining himself.

'I have! Both with Hana Noona and in Busan. Though that one probably doesn't count. I'm pretty sure she thought we were just friends and I never found the courage to ask.'

'You properly went out? I never knew.' Yoongi decided to focus on the relationship that had actually been one. 'How?'

'It was a little easier back then, no? I still told management, went where they told me to go, but we went to the movies once, and for dinner.'

'And did it feel any different?'

'Yeah. Stressful. This isn't.'

Their eyes met as Jungkook broke into a small laugh.

'It's because you don't have to put in any work with me,' Yoongi mused. 'I already know all your worst sides.'

'And my best ones.'

Yoongi shrugged, though it was agreement enough. In his eyes, all of Jungkook's sides were perfect, anyways. He had never felt this completely stupid for anyone else before, and it was only getting worse the closer they got and the more Jungkook allowed him to think these kinds of thoughts. Of course there were times where he shook his head at the other, where he needed a break from him. Of course he knew he wasn't flawless, but the thing with Jungkook was that Yoongi felt soft about him even when he was annoyed with him. Sometimes it was exactly those flaws that made him appreciate him the most.

'That guy you were with. Your friend.' Jungkook put his chopsticks down now and reached for his beer. 'You never went on a date with him?'

Yoongi shook his head slowly. He understood why Jungkook was asking, he held the same curiosity for Jungkook's past experiences, but he'd thought he'd made it clear enough that that relationship had been neither healthy nor romantic.

'What makes you think I did? I already told you he wasn't open for it.'

'Would you have been?'

Yoongi thought, then shrugged.

'You know how there's friendship, and then there's attraction, and sometimes both, with the same person even, but it still takes more than that to actually be good together? I don't think we had that. Him and I. We were close as friends, once, we were into each other, but obviously we still didn't work out. There's no use in thinking about what ifs.'

He heard it himself as he spoke, everything he was putting out there, and it wasn't unintentional. He even managed to hold Jungkook's gaze for a moment after he was done, but then he caved and dropped it down to the food between them. What if Jungkook didn't feel the same way? What if he thought that was exactly where their relationship ended? In friendship that had taken a turn recently, but was still friendship?

'Anyways, it would have ended the moment I left Daegu, so...' he mumbled, his throat suddenly tight with how he had said too much.

'Does this, us...' Jungkook began, then stumbled over the words and started again. 'Does this ever feel anything like it did with him? Like you're reliving the whole thing? I mean, that's why you panicked after Paris, right?'

Even though Yoongi could see his point, he found himself shaking his head.

'What I had with him turned ugly pretty quickly,' he admitted. 'Nothing like this. Not at all. Of course I thought about it after Paris, I told you that, but you've proven me wrong, or right, too many times by now. I mean, we're on a date and all. I don't see us falling out any time soon.'

Jungkook hummed. He still hadn't continued eating again.

'It feels like one. A date. I want you to know that. I... I haven't thought of you as a friend in months.'

Yoongi felt his cheeks grow arm, felt his throat go dry, and suddenly he was out of words entirely. What he wanted was to take Jungkook's hand, to be able to tell him what he felt without having to put it into words, but he couldn't. And then, before he could say anything at all, Jungkook looked over at their security and rambled, 'You think they're having a good time? Were they upset they'd have to work?'

Yoongi cleared his throat and picked up his chopsticks just for something to do.

'Come on, they're happy to have Big Hit pay for a meal. They're not even working.'

It was true that their two guards were deep in conversation over their own food and had already finished their drinks. Yoongi knew that they would have their backs in a heartbeat if needed, but they didn't seem to be particularly concerned for their safety. There was no reason for it, either.

'Only two more weeks until Busan,' Jungkook noted, still a little flustered, his mouth now full of food. They had a schedule that would bring them to his hometown right after a bit over a week in Europe where they would revisit London and Paris.

'You excited?'

Jungkook nodded with so much force it made Yoongi smile.

'I was thinking you could come see my family with me. My mum always makes so much food when I come home.'

Under different circumstances, Yoongi felt pretty sure he would have known what this meant. What Jungkook was really saying. He wanted Yoongi to come home with him, to meet his family, show him his hometown maybe. Introduce him separately somehow, make sure his family knew he was more than a friend. In fact, his brother did already know, and Yoongi truly hoped he wouldn't be backstage to greet the group as he had done before. But in their situation, he wasn't sure what Jungkook wanted.

'I don't wanna talk about all the things we can't do right now,' he mumbled, no matter how hard it was.

He didn't feel like saying that on top of how unrealistic Jungkook's proposal was, how they could never keep it from the others and come up with a reasonable explanation for what they were doing, this one he also wasn't ready for. They hadn't even had a conversation about what it was that they were doing, despite how adamant they both were that they wanted it. Despite how it seemed to be just out of reach these days. Still impossible, but somehow right there for Yoongi to take if only he believed it.

He hated the hint of disappointment that tugged on Jungkook's features and so he finished his drink and tried, 'How could I look your mother in the eye after the things we've done, huh?'

Sure enough, Jungkook responded with a smile.

'You'll have to. She'll be at both shows.'

'Far away from me I hope.'

'Not sure yet. We'll see. But I promise I won't make you talk to her if you don't want to.'

Yoongi sighed. He wanted another drink.

'You know that's not it. You know, right?'

'I do, don't worry. I just sometimes wish things were different.' It took a beat before he added, 'Always. I always wish they were different.'

Yoongi nodded. He knew, and he understood. Still there was nothing they could do about it. For now, they could start by letting Namjoon adjust to the fact that Yoongi was anything but straight. Let the other members know in time.

'She's always liked you,' Jungkook said. 'Dad, too. Hyung said you'll take good care of me.'

Yoongi could only scoff at that, hard enough to make Jungkook raise an eyebrow at him, a gesture that Yoongi knew he was copying from him.

'Please,' he laughed when Jungkook didn't say anything. 'What good have I ever done you? All I ever taught you is how to empty a minibar in one night. Maybe how to build a beat, too, but you're not gonna impress your parents much with that, either.'

It took Jungkook a moment before he responded.

'You're serious. Really?'

Yoongi shrugged.

'A little? I mean, I sure haven't made your life any easier in the past year. You've started drinking, lying to your friends, sneaking around hotel rooms, risking your career. All that talk about depression and my pills. Stories about Daegu. I'm certainly not a ray of sunshine lighting up your life.'

They weren't thoughts Yoongi had never had before, but he had never put them into words, especially not for Jungkook. There had never been a need to. They had never discussed a future together, no matter how veiled, how vague.

'You really think that? You really don't see how good you are?'

There was nothing Yoongi could say. He stayed silent and picked at his food again instead.

'Hyung,' Jungkook urged. It made Yoongi look up again, and his stomach sank when he found Jungkook's eyes glistening. 'Maybe it's hard to see how happy I am because it's so tainted by having to lie to the others. But I chose this, didn't I? You think I would choose betraying my friends if I didn't think it was worth it?'

When Yoongi still didn't say anything, but only held his gaze, Jungkook made a sound that bordered on desperate, then leaned forward and nearly let their hands touch on the table.

'You're not supposed to light up my life. I've done that myself. Look at everything we have. What I want is for people to understand that I'm not a child anymore and treat me like an equal, and you've done that. Years ago, you said. You tell me things. You don't bubblewrap me. I appreciate that so much more than if you were to try and make me happy at all times.'

Jungkook looked around, took a breath that was a little shaky, and wiped at his eyes even though no tears had fallen yet.

'You know, I spent my teenage years chained to the company. But I'm twenty-one now, and if I choose to drink with you and to be a little stupid sometimes, do you really think that's a bad thing? Do you really think that's you corrupting me? Because I think you just make me feel safe enough to not be what the company wants me to be all the time.'

It was something Yoongi had never experienced himself, the role of being the youngest. Of him, Big Hit had always demanded to be a leader alongside Namjoon. Jungkook's life, always being forced to remain the innocent youngest, being kept safe, too safe maybe, by the others was something Yoongi found hard to imagine. It would have driven him crazy a lot earlier, he would have never submitted to any of it. But Jungkook had grown up like that, had never known what it felt like to really be seen as an equal until the more recent years.

'Fuck, I didn't mean to make you cry tonight of all all nights,' he groaned, though not entirely serious. He knew it would make Jungkook lose the intense heaviness of his features, and he was right. Jungkook didn't quite laugh, but he wiped at his eyes again with a slight pout.

'Not crying,' he muttered, then grinned a little.

'I appreciate it, Kook-ah. I really do. I worry about this a lot, not just when it comes to you, but to the whole group. Whether I drag them down, whether I was really meant for all of this. But I'll try to believe you when you say it's good for you to see these sides.'

'It is. They're a part of you.'

Yoongi nodded.

'I just hope I'm not your teenage rebellion.'

For that, Jungkook kicked his shin underneath the table rather hard.

'I'm sorry,' he offered. 'Kook, I... All of this, I find it hard to talk about sometimes. You're better at that than I am.'

'Since when?'

'Since it's about myself. Ever since I told you about liking guys there's been a lot of conversations that I've never had before. I'm still getting used to it.'

Jungkook picked his chopsticks up again.

'Tell me more about how you told Namjoon Hyung.'

'No, you tell me about how you told your brother. He said I'd be good to you? Didn't you only tell him about one kiss in France?'

The laugh Jungkook let out was sweet, a little embarrassed, his ears turned red right away.

'That, but I told him about everything afterwards, too. I mean, not everything. But he knows we're... Yeah.'

'God,' Yoongi groaned, 'How am I going to look at him in Busan?'

He wasn't used to other people knowing. Other people approving, even. But when Jungkook told him more about Junghyun's support over the last few months, it was easy to want more of it. To wonder if they could have the same kind of conversation about the group one day. If there could be a future in which they knew, in which they approved.

Chapter Text

They left for Sao Paolo early the next morning. As far as Yoongi was concerned, no one would ever be able to tell that Jungkook hadn't slept in his own hotel room. It was only Yoongi who knew about the small, almost accidental hickey that now bloomed right below the collar of Jungkook's shirt. It was Yoongi who remembered rolling around in bed with Jungkook for hours, kissing and touching and pressing their naked bodies together, alternating between frantic and tantalisingly slow, and finding lotion that made the feeling from last time so much better even.

For the first time in a long while, Yoongi felt relaxed. Entirely sated. Happy with himself and with the world. Not just because of a momentary high, but because of something deeper that was starting to fall into place. He didn't have it in him to worry when he got onto the plane in the morning. Jungkook was right next to him, choosing the seat closest to him without making an attempt to hide it. He gave him a smile, then settled in with his head against Yoongi's shoulder. They had sat like that before, but not since the fear of being found out had driven them apart for a while.

'I heard you went out for dinner.'

It was Jin who had thrown himself into the seat facing Yoongi and who was now struggling with his snacks, laptop, and headphones that he was all trying to fit into his lap.

Yoongi's eyes narrowed, even when the information in itself wasn't incriminating in the slightest. He still would have preferred to never have to discuss it.

'Where did you hear that?'

'Staff. Said you were too good to them and paid for a whole meal.'

'The company paid. We were just their ticket to go.'

'Okay, okay. They said the food was good, yeah?'

'Yeah, sure.'

'It was the best,' Jungkook mumbled into his neck without raising his head or opening an eye, making both of them laugh. On the other side of the aisle, Namjoon had found his seat and was leaning over to them now.

'What did you have?' he asked.

'Vietnamese.'

'I was craving that so hard the other day,' Namjoon groaned. 'Why were you gatekeeping?'

Against his shoulder, Yoongi could feel Jungkook shift just slightly, getting tense.

'You were all gone by the time we left. No reason.'

He wanted to add something about how Jimin had eaten out alone with Jungkook or Taehyung in too many cities for him to count, but there was no need to start a discussion over it that would only draw more attention to their evening.

'I was hoping you'd be a good influence on Kookie and turn him into a morning person, but instead he's the one keeping you up at night now.'

Jin was laughing as he spoke, but Yoongi had to force his own smile in response. It made no sense to Yoongi how no one commented on how close Jungkook was to Jimin or Taehyung, yet everyone continued to point out that he had entered Jungkook's inner circle on this tour. He wanted to know what was different about it, what it was that made the others comment on one friendship but not the other, but it was too risky to ask.

'I am my own person.' Jungkook sounded moody when he said it. He still didn't lift his head, but no longer seemed sleepy.

'A grumpy one,' Jin grinned at him. 'Stop being difficult.'

'I think it's a good thing to leave the hotel now and then,' Namjoon commented smartly enough for Jin and Yoongi to exchange an amused glance that came more easily to Yoongi again. 'If Yoongi Hyung sees something other than his hotel room on this tour then that's a win in my book.'

'You talk like all I do is stare at my wall. Most of the time I get work done on tour.'

'Yeah, how is the EP?'

It was Jin who was asking, but Namjoon nodded along in eager interest.

'Nowhere near done, but the guides have my voice now. They're good demos. I'll still need a week or so of recording though. Then post production will kill me.'

'They're really good.' Jungkook was sitting up now. 'The demos. They're insane.'

'You've heard them?'

Yoongi could see Namjoon's jaw set. There was something in his features that Yoongi couldn't quite name, but only for a second. Was it jealousy? More of whatever it was that had caused him to feel upset at the thought of Yoongi and Jungkook keeping to themselves too much, excluding him or the group from something that they were only sharing between themselves?

'A while ago. You need to listen, Hyung, really.'

'Hobi's heard them too,' Yoongi mumbled after clearing his throat. 'I can share them if you want.'

He didn't know what it was that made him suddenly feel guilty. He'd already explained to Namjoon why it was that he'd spent so much time with Jungkook. Hell, Namjoon shouldn't be complaining about being left out when he knew more than anyone else in the group did, except for Jungkook of course. And still Yoongi felt guilty. Felt like he had to explain.

'Yeah. You know I want that.'

'I'll send them to you right now.'

It was a good excuse to get his laptop out and pretend that he was busy while Jin and Jungkook started to trade gentle insults and riled each other up next to him, giggling. Yoongi really did send Namjoon the files, but then he only sat there, listened to Jungkook's laugh, and thought about his recent conversation at MetLife Stadium with Namjoon some more. He had felt so much relief. How was it possible that he already wanted more? That it wasn't enough to have Namjoon know one bit of the truth but not everything?

He knew that explaining to Namjoon that he had feelings for Jungkook, that they had acted on them for over half a year by now, would be a lot harder than telling him he liked guys. Anonymous, theoretical guys. And yet Yoongi entertained the thought for a long time on the flight. In his head, he told Namjoon everything, from his first fearful realisation years ago, to the months he had spent fighting his feelings that had somehow only grown more and more impossible to ignore, to breaking in Amsterdam, Berlin, Paris. Was there a version of any of it that Namjoon would simply accept without feeling hurt? Worried? Pressured by the position that knowing about it would put him in as their leader?

At the same time, Yoongi wondered how much longer they could go on without Namjoon asking the right questions. It was a long flight to Brazil, and more than once did he catch Namjoon looking over at where Jungkook did eventually fall asleep against Yoongi's shoulder. He seemed to study both of them carefully, though he smiled every time Yoongi caught him at it.

'Cute,' he mumbled at some point and jerked his chin at Jungkook, but that was all he ever said about him. They went on to discuss the EP after Namjoon received the files via spotty wifi, and Yoongi found himself apologising for not sending them sooner.

'I don't know what it is about this one,' he quietly told Namjoon across the aisle as he looked down at Jungkook sleeping for a moment. 'I could say he got the files because he's the one who recorded the guides, but really, I've gotten too used to sharing things with him I guess. I'm sorry, Joon-ah.'

But Namjoon waved him off. 'Don't worry. You don't owe me anything. I'm happy to listen now.'

So he did, and Yoongi went back to alternating between listening to Jungkook's light snoring and thinking of Namjoon and how known he was by him.

...

Yoongi made a point of spending time with Namjoon in Brazil. They had dinner together the evening after their first show there, then hung out by the hotel pool the one after that where they were eventually joined by the rest of the group. There was no reason to mention that both nights Jungkook snuck into his room once Yoongi was back there and fell asleep curled up next to him despite the heat. They showered together in the morning, hands on each other which was quickly becoming the best habit Yoongi had ever let himself fall into, then separated only to pretend they had never been together when they met up again downstairs.

It was almost easy. There were no close calls, no moments of panic, no direct lies being told. It almost made Yoongi think it could work that way, even when he knew that a secret was a secret, no matter how easy it suddenly seemed to hide it. It was still betrayal, and he was reminded of it at random moments throughout the day when he least expected it.

There was staff coming up to him and Namjoon both just to hand Yoongi a bottle of vitamins Jungkook was supposed to take.

'I'll leave this with you,' was all their manager said, as if no explanation was needed. As if they all knew that Yoongi would be the one who would either know where Jungkook was or was most likely to see him next.

There was Namjoon's knowing look, that movement of his jaw again. But nothing else. Just moments like that, scattered throughout their days, easy enough to forget about and to pretend they had never happened. They meant almost nothing compared to the nights he got to spend with Jungkook when no one was around to ask any questions at all.

Their third and last night in Sao Paolo, it was Yoongi knocking on Jungkook's door for once, with the bottle of vitamins in his hand. He shook them at him the moment that the door was opened.

'Staff apparently thinks I know where to find you.'

He squeezed past Jungkook into his room and threw the bottle onto the unmade bed.

'You do,' was all Jungkook said, a happy smile in his voice. He wasn't naive, but he also wasn't haunted by paranoia the way Yoongi sometimes felt. Maybe there really was nothing to read into staff associating them with each other this way.

'I suppose. What are you up to?'

Jungkook nodded towards his laptop where Overwatch was paused on screen. It was a familiar sight, but one that Yoongi mostly got to see at home in Seoul. On tour, Jungkook didn't stay in his own room often enough to spend the evening gaming.

'Then don't let me keep you.'

Yoongi yawned as he threw himself onto the bed. He'd be happy to take a nap, or to simply watch as Jungkook played his game and told him about whatever was on his mind. What he loved the most about how things were developing between them was that it was still possible to do this. To simply be together without the pressure of having to be different from before. As good as it was to explore whole new worlds with Jungkook, how would he survive if he lost him as a friend over it?

For a while, it was as easy as that. Jungkook went back to his game while Yoongi closed his eyes and drifted off, but only until Jungkook started cursing at the screen. It didn't take too long for Yoongi to sit up and move so that he could see what was going on. Despite his apparent rage, Jungkook was happy to explain the game to him, more in depth the more Yoongi nodded without complaining about it. He had never minded hearing Jungkook talk about the things he enjoyed, and after all, he had monologued about music to him often enough.

'You should be streaming,' he suggested as they waited for a new part of the game to load. He rolled his shoulder, more out of habit than anything, and brought one hand up to dig his thumb into a muscle that felt a little too stiff.

'I've thought about it. But I think it might be too much branding. Advertisement for certain games. I don't know.'

'Maybe. You could ask.'

Jungkook nodded.

'Does it hurt?'

It took Yoongi a moment to follow him, then he noticed that Jungkook was watching his hand work his shoulder.

'Not really. But I can always feel it when we're on tour. Same when we're rehearsing too much at home.'

'I don't envy you.'

Yoongi gave him a sarcastic grin, then let himself fall backwards onto the mattress again. Even if the tour was easier now that he had Jungkook as a distraction from his moodier thoughts and as company, he could still feel the exhaustion linger. It didn't help that he was adapting to Jungkook's abysmal sleep schedule of staying up all night willingly more and more. So he closed his eyes again and swallowed a yawn. With one arm thrown up over his head he felt comfortable enough to go back to sleep if Jungkook went back to his game without wanting his attention.

Apparently he did though. It only took a minute or two before Yoongi could hear the desk chair be pushed back. Before he could even check what Jungkook was doing, he felt the mattress move and he smiled at the feeling of Jungkook's body draping over his own. His weight was becoming so familiar, that feeling of his body pressing close to him. He opened his eyes and was met with Jungkook straddling his thighs, looking down at him with a smile.

'You done?'

Jungkook nodded. He leaned forward a little and let one of his hands find the chronically sore muscles in Yoongi's shoulder.

'I want to learn how to do this properly,' he said, almost as if to himself.

'Physio treatments?'

'Yeah. They help you, right?'

Yoongi couldn't deny that there was an instant feeling of relief any time Jungkook massaged his muscles like this, even when it wasn't exactly what his physio did to him. He rolled his shoulder into the touch in encouragement.

'You know what also helps?' He was well aware of how his voice came out mumbled due to how relaxed he was. 'Being around you.'

It was the kind of romantic sweet talking that Jungkook sometimes liked, and it predictably made him giggle happily, even if he certainly knew that Yoongi was exaggerating.

'It gets worse when I'm stressed,' he added, a little more serious. 'So all you need to do is keep me happy. No need to learn physio.'

Again, Jungkook laughed, then he dug his fingers in a little deeper.

'I think massages would keep you happy too though, Hyung.'

It wasn't difficult to understand what Jungkook was saying. Not when he rubbed his hips down into Yoongi's so damn sensually the next time he put his weight into the pressure he had on his shoulder. Yoongi smiled up at him, his heartbeat already picking up. Every time he had Jungkook on top of him like this, all he could do was stare in disbelief. He always looked beautiful, but never more so than when he was propped up above him, happy and relaxed and taking whatever he wanted from Yoongi.

That's what Yoongi had thought. It had seemed impossible that Jungkook would become even more enticing, more addicting, until a little while later when he looked up at Yoongi from between his legs that were dangling off the foot of the bed. He was shirtless, same as Yoongi, a new bite mark bloomed on his collarbone, his hair was mussed up, his cheeks flushed. There was excitement in his eyes, eagerness, even when Yoongi knew that he felt nervous.

They'd never gone further than their hands exploring each other's bodies. There were a million more things Yoongi wanted to do, wanted do to Jungkook, but even just the simple pleasure of touching each other until it became too much had been so overwhelming for the both of them, Yoongi hadn't felt the need to rush into whatever might come next. God, he really hoped there would be something that came next, whatever it was. Now that he looked down at Jungkook, his heart beating out of his chest, he wondered how he'd managed to remain patient this long.

'Really?' he still made himself ask.

It had been Jungkook who had kissed his way down Yoongi's naked chest after grinding their bodies together for so long Yoongi had begged him to slow down unless he wanted them to come undone without even undressing. It had been Jungkook who had initiated it all, and still Yoongi needed to make sure. In response, he got a kiss to the vee of his hips, hot breath ghosting over his sensitive skin.

'I want to,' Jungkook told him, his voice low. 'Just... You know I haven't done that before.'

It was no reason for Yoongi to tell him no. He didn't think there would ever be a reason to do so as long as Jungkook was offering. All he did was run a hand through Jungkook's hair, over his jaw, to his lips.

'Take your time. Only what you want.'

Jungkook nodded. He hooked his fingers below the elastic of Yoongi's waistband. His hand around Yoongi wasn't new anymore and still it made him groan a moment later. Yoongi almost let himself fall back onto the mattress as the pleasure of tight friction washed over him, but he forced himself to remain where he was and to keep Jungkook's gaze. He wanted to see him, not only for selfish reasons, but also to track his nerves, to make sure it was still a yes at any time.

Jungkook didn't seem uncertain when he leaned down, gave Yoongi the sweetest of smiles, and licked over the head of his cock. It was enough to make Yoongi let out a low curse, to struggle to keep his hips from bucking up into the sensation. He knew the crease above Jungkook's eyebrows well enough by now to know that he was processing, a little overwhelmed, when it occurred there a moment later, and he breathed through the rush of need, tried his best to calm himself, but it was nearly impossible when Jungkook swirled his tongue around him again, slowly, curious, before wrapping his lips around the head.

All of it immediately felt like too much. Too much pleasure, too much teasing, Jungkook's lips not quite tight enough, but also too much to take. Yoongi was trembling, he could feel the arm he had on Jungkook's shoulder, the hand in the nape of his neck, nearly give in and fall down to his side. It was already too much, but then Jungkook drew back, swallowed, and moved down again with more determination, his lips now tight and hot and perfect.

'Fuck,' Yoongi gasped, his head thrown back despite his best efforts. He let himself fall into the rush of it for a few moments, let Jungkook figure out how to best apply his lips and tongue, how to keep his teeth from meeting skin. Let him get used to the feeling of it while he struggled to do the same for himself. 'Kook-ah,' he sighed. 'So good.'

He forced himself to look back down and was met with Jungkook's wide eyes, the beautiful deep brown of them even darker than usual. He looked up at Yoongi, watching his every reaction it seemed, so eager to do well.

'Take your time,' Yoongi muttered again, 'Whatever you need.'

Jungkook moved down on him further. There was a hint of a smile in his eyes, a challenge, and Yoongi tightened his hand in his neck in response. Despite the eagerness, Jungkook did draw up again and blinked away a few tears a moment later when he pushed himself too far too soon. He was quick to recover and sucked only at the tip, catching his breath, driving Yoongi crazy, before sinking down again.

Yoongi was never loud in bed, had never been that, but he could hear his own moans and sighs now. Nothing with Jungkook felt anywhere close to how it had with other guys in the past. It was as if Yoongi was reborn, experiencing all of it for the first time. Because it was Jungkook. It was his lips wrapped around Yoongi, his eager confidence, his familiar presence and trust. Yoongi's eyes fluttered close, then he stopped thinking altogether.

It took no time at all for the tight heat to build deep inside of him, he knew he could chase his high easily with a few thrusts of his hips, but instead he decided to let the pleasure grow infinitely, tantalisingly out of reach, by staying still and letting Jungkook take him apart slowly. He bit down on his lower lip to control the want simmering low in his gut, and simply let himself feel it all, every second of it, however Jungkook wanted it.

And even then Yoongi knew he couldn't hold back forever. Jungkook became more and more confident, moved a little faster, a little deeper, and Yoongi tightened his hand in his hair in warning when he decided to wrap a hand around the base of his cock to help him along. Jungkook hummed, as if in agreement, though Yoongi didn't know to what. He felt Jungkook shift, felt him hum, the vibrations a thrill around his cock, and finally he opened his eyes again.

The heat that rushed through him at the sight of Jungkook on his knees was so urgent, Yoongi knew there was no way in hell that he'd last another second. It wasn't just Jungkook's sinful mouth, his flushed cheeks, his dark eyes, but his hand in his own lap rubbing over his cock as he swallowed Yoongi down a little messily.

'Kook, fuck,' Yoongi groaned, pulled on his hair again, harder this time, but Jungkook only moaned. 'Gonna come.'

It was so entirely Jungkook to throw himself into it without holding back. He stayed where he was, determined, flicked his tongue around Yoongi's cock as if it wasn't his first time doing this, and Yoongi couldn't keep his hips entirely still as pleasure and heat rushed over him. He came down Jungkook's throat so hard he shook with it, the moan falling from his lips too loud, the relief so intense it was unreal. And finally, Jungkook reached his limit. He drew back halfway through swallowing, replaced his mouth with his hand, and Yoongi just caught the widening of his eyes.

'Fuck, sorry,' he gasped as the last waves of his orgasm still made him shudder. 'Too much?'

Jungkook swallowed, wiped at his lips, then smiled.

'No, no,' he hummed. 'Just new.'

Yoongi was breathing hard, and he tried to calm them both down by running his nails over the back of Jungkook's neck, but it only made him shiver in response.

'I tried to warn you,' he breathed.

'You did.'

Jungkook wiped at his mouth again, then cleaned his hand on the sheet messily. He was still smiling, but it wasn't the relieved kind of smile that was tugging on Yoongi's own lips.

'Come here,' he managed, and Jungkook did as he was told easily. He crawled up the mattress next to Yoongi, brought their faces close to each other, but then hesitated. It was Yoongi who leaned in for a soft kiss, one that made his breathing stutter again at the taste.

'You did so good,' he told him quietly. 'Was it okay for you?'

Jungkook's response was a somewhat broken moan paired with a low laugh as he pressed his lower body against Yoongi's hip. He was so hard, his shorts a little damp where he had leaked through them.

'Hyung,' he whispered in response. 'Was so good. So hot.'

Yoongi didn't waste any time in letting his hand run down Jungkook's side now that he could properly touch him again. He pushed him onto his back, palmed him through his shorts, smiled at the desperate grind upwards of his hips.

'Please, please,' Jungkook begged, so quietly Yoongi could hardly hear him. He leaned down to kiss the heated skin of his neck, his chest, and Jungkook all but sobbed when he moved further down.

All the way back in winter, Jungkook had told Yoongi how little it had taken for him the last time someone had put his mouth on him, and still Yoongi wasn't prepared for how responsive he was, how on edge he seemed right away when Yoongi pressed his lips to the tip of his cock a second later. He was already throbbing, too close, and Yoongi wondered for a moment if it was the wrong moment to try this, if it would be too much for Jungkook to take. But the wetness against his lips was too hard to ignore, and so was Jungkook desperate moan.

'Go slow,' Jungkook managed, 'I'm...'

So Yoongi did as he had been asked. His jaw ached with how long it had been, but it was the best pain he had felt in forever. He moved down so damn slowly, took his time, brought Jungkook to the edge, then stopped, kissed his thighs instead, his hips, his belly, until Jungkook was mumbling incoherently above him and arched his hips up in silent demand. The next time Yoongi swallowed him down, he didn't stop. He kept moving even when he felt Jungkook grow just that little bit more, committed every sound to memory, every single reaction Jungkook gave him, the breathed out warning that he got but didn't need.

He'd forgotten how intimate it could feel. Or maybe it had just never been that way before. How had he walked away after times like these in the past, how had he just gone back inside the club, or gotten on the bus home? Again, it was different with Jungkook. They clung so close to each other afterwards, Yoongi forgot where his own body ended and where Jungkook's began. It took forever until they both caught their breath, until they could trade gentle kisses again, even if they both smiled at how raw their lips were.

...

If Yoongi had thought that The O2 they had sold out last year had been impressive, he didn't know if there were any words for what he felt when he stepped on stage for soundcheck at Wembley Stadium a few days after departing from Brazil. Returning to London this quickly in itself was something he couldn't stop gushing about to the other members, but the venue upgrade simply left him speechless. They had played enough arenas by now that he should no longer be thrown off by how intimidating they looked during soundcheck, and yet he found himself scanning the endless rows of seats rather than focusing on their choreo rehearsal.

Despite the exhaustion of touring paired with their never ending schedule on top of the shows, the excitement about being back in Europe made them all giddy. Their day had already been long, they had both attended a press conference and filmed content for their variety show, and still soundcheck was messily loud and energetic. Or maybe it was that because of it. Yoongi at least had moved past the point of being tired and had reached a stage of drawing energy from reserves he didn't know he had.

He didn't know what it was that made him agree to follow the other members underneath the stage once they were done with soundcheck to gather for a game of basketball rather than taking a much needed nap. Taehyung had discovered the hoop backstage, and Yoongi found himself giving in to his pleas to play, especially once he realised that he would be the only one left behind if he declined. And once he met Jungkook's excited eyes. Maybe Jin was right in saying that Jungkook was influencing him more than it was true the other way around.

'I need you on my team, Hyung,' Jungkook immediately claimed him and wrapped his arms around his middle from behind, as if to keep him from joining anyone else. His decision was met with a round of complaints and arguing that Yoongi only grinned at. Basketball would always be the one sport where they were fighting over him rather than Jungkook. He found himself swatting away Hobi's hands that tried to grab at his shirt to pull him towards him, remained unfazed by Jimin's attempt at bribing him with coffee, and eventually found himself on a team with Jin and Jungkook who hadn't let go of him during the entire process of choosing. His chin was resting on Yoongi's shoulder even when Yoongi threw a deliberate glance towards one of the cameras the documentary team had brought.

Of course they weren't able to play by themselves. Any moment of fun that they were allowed to have backstage had to be well documented to prove that touring was indeed not just gruelling, hard work, but the best time of their lives.

It was good, Yoongi thought, that Jungkook had put himself on his team. It meant that they were forced far apart in their little game area, and that there would be no footage of their bodies pressing close together and them playfully trying to push past each other the way that Jungkook did it with Namjoon, Hobi, Taehyung, and Jimin. Even though there were four of them, the teams weren't quite divided evenly with Yoongi and Jungkook playing together, but no one had apparently wanted to argue too hard with Jungkook who had refused to let go of him.

Even through his exhaustion, Yoongi didn't hold back. Too rarely did he get a chance to play basketball, and he found himself laughing as he scored one point after the other in a seemingly endless streak. It helped to have Jungkook there who never got tired of running and securing the ball for him so that all he had to do was be ready to take the few steps towards the hoop. Jin wasn't all that valuable, but at least he wasn't a liability either, and so their team easily made their way towards victory.

The cameras were turned off once they were done playing, a few members of the staff picked up the ball themselves to throw a few hoops, and Jin clapped Yoongi heavily on the back.

'Yeah, you better treat him right,' Taehyung grinned. 'Without Yoongi Hyung there would have been no chance for you.'

'Excuse me?' Jungkook protested. His hair was sticking to his forehead just slightly and Yoongi was only waiting for him to pull his shirt up to wipe his face with it. He'd started to really enjoy taunting Yoongi lately.

'Agreed, it was all Yoongi Hyung,' Jimin now chimed in. 'You two better tell him how much you love him.'

Obediently, Jin bowed deep in exaggeration.

'I love you, Yoongi-yah,' he smiled. 'From the bottom of my heart.'

There was nothing to say, Yoongi simply took the praise and turned to see whether the others were getting ready to return to the green room. He had his back turned towards Jimin, but heard him say, 'Kook-ah! Respect your elders, come on!'

He was laughing as he said it, he would have normally never lingered on it, but it became a game for him when Jungkook didn't answer. Yoongi watched Namjoon's attention being drawn, felt his heartbeat pick up when his eyes became too curious once again. He turned, only to see Jungkook squirming under Jimin's urging. Jimin had moved close to him and was pulling at the collar of his shirt in an additional way to pester him, demanding again, 'Tell him, Kook-ah! You don't have any love for Yoongi Hyung?'

Yoongi couldn't remember when, it had been before his infatuation had gotten the better of him, but he knew that Jungkook had told him before. Had said that he loved him. It hadn't meant anything different than what it meant when he said it to the others. Back then, it hadn't been something Yoongi had dwelled on. Now, things were different. He knew why Jungkook was trying to shake Jimin off of him without saying a word, but he wished he'd get over himself. All his silence did was draw attention to him. It wasn't as if Yoongi wouldn't know that there had been pressure around it, that Jungkook wouldn't mean it any differently than he had in the past.

'Hyung, stop,' he heard Jungkook whine regardless, followed by a little giggle as he pushed at Jimin's chest.

'Say it,' Jimin laughed, 'Come on!'

Jungkook pressed his lips together in defiance that only made things worse. He didn't look seriously upset, it would have been easy to assume that he was simply trying to rile Jimin up by not giving him what he wanted, and still Yoongi dared to glance at Namjoon again who was watching a little too intently.

'You really can't say it?' Jimin wouldn't let it drop. 'You'll tell me but not Yoongi Hyung?'

Jungkook shook his head

In an honest attempt at helping, Yoongi called, 'I don't need to hear it, I know I made us win.'

But Jimin only waved him off and instead clung harder to Jungkook in his bullying.

'Your ears are all red, Kook-ah,' he laughed. 'I can't believe you still get flustered this easily. So cute.' He ruffled Jungkook's hair. 'Can you tell Namjoon Hyung you love him? Your Rapmon Hyung?'

'Stop,' Jungkook tried again, smiling, but definitely tense.

'Can you?'

With a sigh, Jungkook looked over at Namjoon and mumbled, 'I love you, Hyung.'

God, it was hard to watch. In a way, Yoongi was glad that Jungkook was such a terrible liar, was so bad at being subtle or deceiving as it only meant that he'd never had to learn it, but at the same time he wanted to hit Jungkook over the back of the head and ask him why the hell he hadn't stuck to being defiant. Why make a difference between him and Namjoon? Of course Jimin was thinking the same thing.

'Oh?' he teased. 'That was easy. Then what is it with Yoongi Hyung, huh?'

'Come on,' Yoongi said at the same time at which Jungkook finally managed to throw Jimin off. He could have done so before, even Yoongi might have been able to overpower someone like Jimin, but now he put more force into it.

'I love Yoongi Hyung, too,' Jungkook mumbled. 'Let's go back.'

'But you can't tell him?'

Yoongi started to make his way towards the exit now and shoved at Jimin's shoulder to move him along, too.

'Too much, Jimin-ah. Drop it.'

'You're no fun,' Jimin muttered, but he did start walking with Yoongi's hands on both his shoulders, bodily moving him forward.

Next to Yoongi, Jungkook came up to him only to give him a look that seemed somewhat shy.

'Sorry.' His lips moved, but he didn't really say it out loud. It was only meant for Yoongi, no one else. Yoongi dropped his hands from Jimin's shoulders only to move a little closer to Jungkook, to let their upper arms and wrists brush for a second. He looked at him again, and suddenly he wished they could have found a moment alone together. Not even to kiss, to touch the way that he was craving so embarrassingly these days, but only to be together the way they were when they were alone. Yoongi wanted to pull him close, if only for a second, wanted to reassure him.

'Hyung!'

It wasn't Jungkook calling for him to hang back, but Namjoon. He stood behind them and tilted his head at Yoongi when he turned to look for him.

'Will you stay a second?'

Everyone else was headed for the door. Yoongi slowed, gave Jungkook another look when he hesitated, torn between staying behind as well and catching up with Jimin. At a jerk of Yoongi's chin he kept moving.

'What's up?'

Namjoon waited before he even regarded Yoongi with a look, waited until everyone else had reached the door and left them entirely alone with each other. It was enough to make Yoongi realise that something was off, along with that same look he had seen on Namjoon a few times now. That tension in his jaw, his serious eyes, his slightly furrowed brow as if too many thoughts were piling behind them.

'Hyung,' Namjoon started, the way that Jungkook so often did. He took a breath that only made Yoongi's chest tighten. He knew it was bad before Namjoon even said anything. 'I'm only going to ask you this once. Is there something going on between you and Jungkookie?'

There should have been panic. That same panic that had been there in Amsterdam, that fear of being found out, even when it had been a choice then. A hint of it had been there in Jersey when he had finally told Namjoon the truth, if not all of it. Of course it hadn't been all of it. And of course Namjoon was smart enough to put two and two together. Yoongi should have never said anything at all to him. Now here he was, waiting for the panic, but it didn't come. He only felt frozen in place.

'What?' was all he managed.

'If it's not true, I apologise,' Namjoon said calmly. 'But you have to admit it's not that strange of a thought to have. You've been stuck together an awful lot. I noticed that things were changing between you before you ever told me about liking guys and about Jungkook being the only one who knew. Then you did and I just... I can't not see it. The way you are with each other. So I'm asking. And I want you to be honest with me.'

Time. Yoongi needed time to kickstart his brain, to think of what to say in response.

'What would be going on between us?'

He couldn't quite keep his voice from shaking. It was already answer enough, he knew. The more seconds ticked by, the more real it became. Namjoon was going to know.

'You tell me,' Namjoon shrugged, but too slowly, too resigned somehow to really seem careless. 'Are you just fooling around? Relieving some tension on tour? Or have you been hiding a full on relationship from us? Saying he loves you means something different now?'

Even if Yoongi had tried to convince him he was wrong, if he had somehow managed it, he could have never lived with it. The breath that he took felt futile, there wasn't enough air suddenly.

'He doesn't love me,' he nearly whispered. 'We don't... We're still figuring it all out. Joon-ah, we...'

He watched Namjoon's eyes widen, maybe in shock, maybe just in surprise at the confession. Then he saw his sharp look towards the door before he heard the sound of footsteps himself.

Jimin was chattering about the game, about some move he had made that he claimed had been impressive. It was only when Yoongi turned around that he saw that Jungkook was still following him.

'I forgot my phone,' Jimin announced. He walked straight over to the corner of the room where he had dropped his sweater along with his phone earlier. At first it was only Jungkook who looked at the two of them suspiciously, but it only took a moment for Jimin to narrow his eyes at them, too, when neither had the strength to say anything.

'What's going on?' he asked. 'Secrets?'

In his peripheral vision, Yoongi could see Namjoon running a hand over his mouth, clearly still processing, overwhelmed, a little lost. But really, he was looking at Jungkook who now found his gaze. He cued in quickly, stopped walking, only stared right back at Yoongi. Maybe he didn't know exactly what was happening, but there was no way that he couldn't read the emotions in Yoongi at all.

Namjoon cleared his throat.

'Jimin-ah. I'm sorry, but will you let us talk for a bit?' He didn't say it unkindly, and still Jimin's face fell a little. Especially when Namjoon added, 'You should stay though, Kook-ah.'

'Don't do this,' Yoongi managed, if weakly. 'Please. Don't put this on him.'

He didn't think he could stand looking at Jungkook through a conversation like this. Once he saw the fear there, the potential shame or regret, or heard him promise Namjoon that he'd come to his senses now, that he'd made a mistake, anything to please Namjoon, he didn't think he'd come back from that.

'What the fuck is going on?'

It was Jimin asking, again. Namjoon didn't say anything at first, only looked at Yoongi.

'It's your call,' he then decided. 'Who do you want to stay?'

It was impossible to make a decision like that. Yoongi still felt frozen, unable to think clearly. He looked at Jungkook again. Something passed between them, an understanding that hit Jungkook and made his eyes so wide it made Yoongi's heart skip a beat with how he felt for him. Jungkook knew what he and Namjoon had been talking about. He knew what Namjoon knew. And he wasn't going to leave. He turned towards Namjoon, his jaw trembling when he spoke.

'Hyung,' was all he managed. Then he looked at Jimin, his eyes now pleading, so damn guilty and fearful, and that was it. Jimin wasn't going anywhere either. They weren't going to send him away. Not like this. There was no way in hell that Yoongi could expect Jungkook to continue to keep their secret when Jimin undoubtedly would want to know what was going on later.

'It's fine by me, Koo,' he said quietly. 'You want us all to talk about this?'

Maybe it wasn't fair to put the decision on Jungkook. But really, hadn't his own already been made? If Jungkook were to shake his head, were to beg him not to say anything, of course he would reconsider, but Yoongi knew what he personally wanted. Maybe wanted wasn't the right term, of course this wasn't really his choice, it hadn't happened that way, but he knew what he didn't want, and that was to lie this blatantly, this shamelessly. And Jungkook wouldn't want to do so either. He felt almost certain about it, but still he needed Jungkook to have the final say.

It took Jungkook a long, long moment to nod. He was biting the inside of his lower lip that was still shaking, and Yoongi took a step closer to him, almost reached out to comfort him when really he needed that same reassurance right now.

'Jimin-ah,' he made himself start. Jimin looked so incredibly lost, it was the final straw. He didn't deserve this, any of the lies, and Yoongi was done with them. 'I... I'll start by telling you that I came out to Joon-ah in Jersey. And to Kook-ah last year, in Amsterdam. I'm sorry I'm only telling you now. It just really hasn't been as easy as it might sound to you.'

Jimin, Yoongi knew, would be the very first person to claim that he should have been open about his sexuality in the first place. To claim that there was nothing wrong with it, nothing to hide. Nothing to be scared of, at least not within the comfort of the group. For Jimin, the issue would always be his lies, not the fact in itself.

It was the third time saying those words, coming out, and Yoongi was relieved to realise that it was becoming easier. He was less preoccupied with his own processing this time and more with Jimin's reaction. His complete lack of surprise, but instead the look of instant betrayal. He looked like he wanted to say something, then decided to glance over at Jungkook instead and did a double take, took a step back, stumbled a little, then sank down to the floor as if in afterthought.

He'd put it together quickly then. Maybe Jungkook's terrified look and his pleading Hyung had helped.

Jungkook went down with him. He sank to his knees, a hand now on Jimin's upper arm.

'I'm sorry,' he was already pleading. 'I'm so fucking sorry. Hyung...' At the word, he turned towards Namjoon, as if he suddenly realised that there was someone else who deserved the same apology. 'Hyung, I'm sorry.'

Namjoon nodded. He looked down at both Jimin and Jungkook for a second, then sighed and sat down as well. It was only Yoongi who was left standing now as something ugly spread in his chest. Hearing Jungkook apologise like that hurt. Of course they had lied, of course they had been wrong to do so, but all Yoongi heard was regret. An apology for how stupid he had been, the same apology that he had given back in L.A. last year, when management had reprimanded him for a kiss.

He should have been focused on the fact that he had just told Jimin his most precious secret, on the fact that both Jimin and Namjoon had every right to be angry at him, but all he could do was bite back the sick that rose in his throat at the thought of everything ending. Of losing Jungkook. Jungkook, who would choose Namjoon over him, would choose Jimin over him, would always choose the group and their happiness over his own or even Yoongi's.

'I asked you about this,' Jimin now found his words. 'Kook-ah, I asked you! We talked about it all, about Yoongi Hyung and how you were always with him. You said that wasn't the reason.'

Apparently, Yoongi had underestimated just how directly Jungkook had been forced to lie. For Yoongi, it had always been lying by omission until so very recently, but Jimin had always been more direct as a friend, more eager to know and be known. Yoongi had had no idea that he had asked those kinds of questions, that he had cornered Jungkook this way. And that Jungkook had still lied, and apparently not as badly as Yoongi always accused him of.

'It wasn't only my secret to tell,' Jungkook said weakly. 'And it was so much to process, so much to consider and...' he broke off and looked up at Yoongi a little helplessly.

'Sit down.'

It was Namjoon who asked, and it was because it was Namjoon that Yoongi did as he was told. His knees were weak anyways.

'Let's put it all out there,' Namjoon requested. His voice was still calm, but at the same time serious, a lot more serious than he had been in Jersey. 'I understand that there are reasons why you haven't been honest, and we'll talk about them. But I want to know what's going on first. When did this start?'

'What even is this?' Jimin added with a laugh that sounded not at all amused, but closer to hysterical. 'You haven't even told me yet! How long has Namjoon Hyung known?'

Namjoon sighed, 'Confirmed? A minute longer than you.'

It was what Jimin had needed to hear to calm down again, if only a little bit. Yoongi watched Jungkook watch his friend before he felt Yoongi's gaze on him and turned towards him.

'I didn't even know about you.' Jimin's muttered words took Jungkook's attention away again too quickly. 'You never even told me you were gay.'

He meant Jungkook, not Yoongi. As if he, too, had already kind of known about Yoongi, or least suspected it. Maybe that conversation would come later.

'I'm not.' Jungkook tried so hard to control his voice, but it was still trembling. 'I really had no idea there was more. Until last year, I never truly considered it. I didn't understand it.'

'Last year?' It was Namjoon who picked up on the part that mattered more than Jungkook's preferences. 'Are you serious? That's how long you two have been...'

'No,' Yoongi decided to say. He had to say something. Couldn't let Namjoon and Jimin come to their own conclusions. 'This hasn't been a thing the way it is now until a few weeks ago. Chicago, I guess?' He glanced at Jungkook to see him agree with a small nod. 'We tried to let it go for months. We gave it time, we waited for it to pass, for things to go back to normal, but they just never did. It's not as if we didn't try, as if we're not aware that this is going to complicate absolutely everything. It's not a rash decision or a bit of fun on tour. If it were, we would have left it behind in Paris.'

There was silence. Then Jungkook reached for his hand. Scooted a little closer to him. Yoongi was well aware that the others were watching, that the meaning of the touch had changed in light of their conversation. Still he let Jungkook intertwine their fingers and held him tightly, so tightly his knuckles turned white.

'Paris?' was all Namjoon eventually asked. His voice was small, as if realisation had hit him anew. 'Whatever it is or was, it started that long ago?'

Next to Yoongi, Jungkook shifted. He looked at him and saw that his eyes were shimmering with tears now, tears that Yoongi had expected to come a lot sooner.

'After Paris, Hyung tried to end it. I was the one that kept coming back to it. I wouldn't let it go. The only reason it's been so long is because nothing happened for months.'

'What happened in Paris?' Jimin asked.

Yoongi managed a shrug when Jungkook looked at him for permission before he said, 'A kiss. I guess.'

The small huff that Namjoon let out sounded almost endeared, affectionate the way he always was towards Jungkook.

'Fuck,' he then sighed. 'Fuck, fuck, fuck. How the hell did none of us notice for so long?'

'I asked,' Jimin repeated his words from earlier. He jerked his chin at Jungkook when he continued, 'I asked him whether he thought Yoongi Hyung was even into girls, I also asked him whether he was Hyung's boyfriend now. Not all that seriously, okay, but...' he turned towards Jungkook then. 'I gave you so many opportunities to say something. Why didn't you... Why did you lie?'

Yoongi didn't care about the reasons. He knew all about them. He cared about the word boyfriend. The word he'd never dared to put out there and that Jungkook hadn't dropped so far either. A few days ago he had thought for the very first time that maybe there was a chance of him and Jungkook really being more, but now all his fears had come back at once, despite how he had just pretended he felt secure in what they had. Jungkook was going to tell the others there was no need to worry, because it was over anyways. He continued to wait for it as Jungkook stumbled through his justifications that sounded too rehearsed.

'How could I have just told you, Hyung? For the longest time I had no idea what was going on myself. It was so damn overwhelming to feel all of what I felt, and it was hell to not be able to talk to you about it, but it wasn't only my secret. It wouldn't have been fair to betray one person's trust to please another. And it would have put so much pressure on something we weren't even sure was real. Yoongi and I, we've spent hours talking about how guilty we felt, but how could we have sat the whole group down to talk about something we didn't even have words for yet?'

He had dropped the honorific. Whether it had been deliberate or not, Yoongi saw that Jimin noticed it, that Namjoon did, too. He had also used past tense. They hadn't had words for it for so long, but did they now? Did they really? That part, only Yoongi seemed to take note of.

'It's not our place to make you feel guilty.'

The words came from Namjoon, but after a look to the side, Jimin slowly took a deep breath, then nodded.

'I guess I underestimated the gravity of it. How serious you are about it. I would have never asked in a setting like this. I don't know why I thought you'd tell me you've fucked around a bit and that's it, I've seen how you are with each other and still I... I struggled to believe it. I still do, kind of. But I'm here to listen to it all, not to make you struggle more, okay? So is Jimin-ah.'

He knocked his knee against Jimin's, gave him a serious look, then a small smile when Jimin nodded again, defiantly.

Yoongi expected Jungkook's eyes to be glued to Namjoon, to his leader, for him to start begging for forgiveness soon, but just like his claim of regret, this didn't come either. Instead, Jungkook looked back at Jimin. He seemed so much more focused on him than on Namjoon, seemed a lot more scared of a falling out with him than of disappointing Namjoon.

It was then that Yoongi understood that for Jungkook, none of what they had been doing had ever needed approval. He looked at Namjoon for guidance in absolutely every other instance in life, but not when it came to this. What he wanted was support, he wanted his friends to know, wanted honesty, not Namjoon's blessing. He had said so in Berlin, had said he would never feel ashamed of his own choices, and still Yoongi hadn't really believed him. He still waited for him to go back on his word, to be hit by reality, when really, Jungkook had set his own priorities months ago.

'Stop crying.' Yoongi only realised that Jungkook's tears had started to fall when Jimin muttered the words. 'I can't be angry at you when you cry.'

'Remember,' Yoongi said just as quietly, 'When you promised me in Vegas that you'd let him make mistakes? That you'd be by his side either way? He hated lying to you. He said so a million times. You were always the first person he thought of.'

It felt strange to talk about Jungkook this way when he was right next to him, but what he said seemed to ease something in Jimin. Maybe it was what he had needed to hear. Knowing that Jungkook had always considered him above everyone else, even when it hadn't been enough.

'Of course I'm by your side,' Jimin said with a sigh. Only he looked at Yoongi, too. 'I'll just need some time to wrap my head around it.'

'Yeah,' Namjoon hummed. 'So do I. Does anyone else know?'

Yoongi shook his head.

'Kook-ah's brother, right?' Jungkook nodded as he spoke, wiping at his eyes. 'But you were always going to be the first to tell here in Seoul.'

'Are you planning on telling the others? What's happening next?'

Jungkook only pulled up his nose. His tears were running silently and he didn't seem up to talking much more.

'We haven't gotten to that point. We're really... There's a lot of questions for us too. If it had been easy to figure out, you would have heard about it last year.'

To Yoongi's surprise, there was more that Jungkook had to say, if quietly.

'I want to tell the others. Can it be the seven of us? Please?'

The moment that Jungkook said it, Yoongi knew that he was right. He, too, was so damn tired of keeping secrets. Things would only get worse if one half of the group knew while the other half didn't. What they needed was to get together, to come clean, to finally drop the heavy weight they had been carrying for months.

As he hummed his agreement, another thought hit him. Jungkook wanted the others to know. He still hadn't said anything about it being the end. Hadn't made promises about being smarter from now on. Instead, he wanted the next step to be more commitment, more confessions. He squeezed Jungkook's hand a little harder in his own as his heart nearly beat out of his chest.

'Let's focus on the show tonight,' Namjoon said, 'Then we'll talk again afterwards. A few hours won't make a difference. There's no need in starting a conversation like that with the others an hour before we go on stage. It's already going to be on our minds enough as it is.'

They sat in silence after that. Every beat of Yoongi's heart felt a little more hopeful, a little lighter. Would it really be as easy as this? Surely there would be more conversations to come, not only with the rest of the group, but between him and Namjoon, him and Jungkook. And still, they had popped the bubble that had enclosed only the two of them for so long, and they were still breathing.

Yoongi turned to see that Jungkook's cheeks were still wet. In a decisive move he leaned over to wipe his thumb over his jaw to gather the tears there. It was then that Jimin shuffled forward onto his knees to wrap his arms around Jungkook. Yoongi could hear a sob, saw Jungkook's hands cling to Jimin tightly on his back. He could feel the weight coming off of Jungkook in his own body.

Then he looked at Namjoon again.

'I'm sorry,' he said, only for him this time. 'I promise this is all of it. There's no more secrets.'

'I have a lot of questions for you. A whole lot of them.'

'Yeah. That's okay.' Yoongi took a deep breath. 'I want to tell you, I really do.'

'You're such an idiot.'

It was the same thing Namjoon had said up in the stands a short while ago. When he had told Yoongi off for all the walls he had built, all the secrets he had kept, some of them maybe unnecessarily.

'I know.'

Chapter Text

Quite possibly, the night after that first show in London was one of the longest of Yoongi's life, and still there was so much adrenaline rushing through his body, he didn't realise how tired he was. All seven of them gathered in Jimin's room after the show, after Namjoon had gone around backstage to let them all know that that was where he wanted them. Yoongi had agreed after having been asked first. There was no point in pushing off that conversation any longer.

The relief that Yoongi felt once the truth was out was only outdone by one thing, which was guilt. Over the years, Yoongi had gotten so used to lying, to never being entirely honest with the others, it hadn't been his main concern even when Jungkook had pointed out over and over again that it should have been so. It was only when he took in the others' faces one by one that he realised that their pain about being having been kept in the dark was greater than any judgement or disapproval could have ever been. He had always assumed that it would be so for Jimin, but he didn't see anything different in Taehyung's, Jin's, or Hobi's reaction.

He lost track of how many times Hobi told him and Jungkook both that he wished he would have known, or of how many moments Taehyung dramatically listed that proved that he, in return, had always trusted them with his own most vulnerable secrets. It was only Jin who was quiet, his face so hurt Yoongi could hardly stomach it. The conversation shifted away from their betrayal only when Namjoon eventually asked him about his thoughts, to which Jin let out a sigh so deep, Yoongi felt worried about the group's support for the very first time.

'I don't know,' Jin said. 'I don't really care about knowing or not knowing. That would have always been your choice to make. What I'm thinking is that Jungkook-ah is really goddamn young.'

The sobering look on Jungkook's face was enough to let Yoongi know that he was about to argue a whole lot harder than he had against all accusations of having been a terrible friend.

'You asked me what I'm thinking,' Jin continued with his hands up and no intention of letting Jungkook interrupt him. 'And that's it, Kook-ah, whether you like it or not. All of us, we're supposed to watch out for you, not get you into bed.'

He did look sorry when he said it, and his voice wasn't as harsh as it could have been, and still Yoongi felt cold all over at his words. He knew that Jin was right. Jungkook was an adult, he was free to make whatever choice he wanted to make, and in Yoongi's eyes he was mature enough to do so. And still, of course Yoongi had thought about it. For years he had been hung up on exactly this, on Jungkook's age compared to his own, and more than that, on how he was supposed to be an older brother to him, someone Jungkook could look up to, not someone he got on his knees for to do so.

'I have enough people watching out for me,' Jungkook said, his eyes pleading. 'My age was never an issue when I dated girls. Someone older, too. Please.'

'You're right though, Hyung,' Yoongi found himself saying, his voice already hoarse from all the times he'd apologised that night. 'I...'

'No,' Jungkook cut him off so fiercely, Yoongi let him. 'We're not going there. You and I never have. I won't let you beat yourself up for corrupting me or whatever the fuck it is you're gonna say. I'm making my own choices and you never once made me do anything that I didn't want or that I regretted.'

Yoongi opened his mouth to argue, but never got to do so, as Namjoon did it for him.

'Hyung, I think we can all agree that Yoongi Hyung is in no way a bad influence or taking advantage. I hear you, but I also know Yoongi Hyung. You do, too.'

Jin was so quick to nod. Yoongi still didn't manage to say anything.

'I do. It's less concern than it is lack of understanding. I...'

It was Jimin who broke the tension with his weak laugh. He still didn't look happy, hadn't looked happy all night except for his practiced smile during his performance on stage, but he was at least sitting close to Jungkook and brought a hand up to his face now.

'You can't understand? Are you blind?'

He grinned when Jungkook swatted his hand away.

'Seriously, Hyung,' Jimin said without paying the rejection any mind, 'I know you feel protective, we all do, but when you were twenty-one, you debuted. You made way bigger choices, choices that Kook-ah made at fifteen.'

Yoongi's eyes drifted over to Jungkook where they had lingered the majority of the night. Once this was all over, once they had all said what needed to be said, maybe he would finally be able to look at him without feeling self-conscious about it. For now, he still bit down on the smile he really wanted to give him, and tried to cut the look they shared short.

He knew that while his own biggest fear was Jungkook rethinking what he was getting himself into, losing him either as a friend or as everything he was to him on top of that, what scared Jungkook the most was losing Jimin. More so apparently than disappointing Namjoon. He had agonised over it for months, and here Jimin was, defending him, speaking up for him, even when it was obvious that there was still a lot he had to process and work through himself.

'I know it's not rational,' Jin sighed. 'It's just a feeling.'

There was nothing more to say. No one dared to disagree, no one felt like devaluating his words when they were all hung up on their own concerns. For now they existed, and Yoongi knew that he had to allow them to. It was only fair. He had never expected them to even come this far, to be squeezed onto a queen sized bed with the seven of them and have all his secrets out in the open. He had never once harboured any illusions about it being an easy conversation to have or something they would move on from quickly. Not when it had always felt impossible to share this much in the first place.

'We're asking a lot of you by keeping this a secret,' he eventually found himself saying, to no one in particular. 'You can think on it and we can come back to it if you're not alright with that.'

'Please,' Hobi scoffed. 'I don't think anyone's going to argue for making this public. Not because there's anything wrong with it, but because it's up to you what you want to share. There's always been conversations that concern only the seven of us, and this is one of them if you want it to be.'

There were no arguments. Yoongi looked at Namjoon who gave him an easy nod, then back at Jungkook. Taehyung was leaning against his other side by now, even closer than Jimin was to him. The sight of it nearly brought tears to Yoongi's eyes. It would have broken him had he known that Jungkook would lose his friends over him, his family. More than it would have done so if he had lost them himself.

But the others stayed. Despite their obvious worries and their disappointment. They went back and forth between heavy sighs, long silences, more questions about the long months between Paris and today, and easier, lighter conversation that sparked something hopeful inside of Yoongi. And in the end, when it became obvious that everyone needed time to think before continuing the conversation, they moved on for the time being.

What Yoongi wanted was to finally be alone with Jungkook, to talk through everything that had been said, to hear him say that he was still in this, but he was clinging to Jimin and Taehyung a little too hard for Yoongi to want to break them up. His eyes filled with tears again when Jin eventually slapped his thigh and told him off with a laugh for breaking every rule he could think of during the tour. Clearly Jungkook was overwhelmed by everything that had happened in the last few hours, and so Yoongi didn't even allow himself to reach out to him for a comforting touch. He didn't want to add fuel to the fire and let the others in on how intimate their physical affection for each other had become.

When eventually Jin began to yawn and Taehyung pulled up tomorrow's schedule on his phone to let them know that while they didn't have to be up at the crack of dawn, the hours left until their bus call back to the venue were in the single digits, they collectively decided to withdraw to their own rooms. The hug that Hobi pulled Yoongi into when they stood felt just as comforting as Jin's words about having another conversation soon did.

'I need to keep Kook-ah for a little longer,' Jimin decided. It came as no surprise to anyone, and Yoongi only brushed his hand over Jungkook's shoulder to say good night. He wanted to lean down to kiss his forehead, at the very least, but he didn't allow himself to do so. Then he followed the others out into the hallway where they parted ways until only Namjoon remained by his side.

'Come over for a minute, will you?'

Namjoon's voice was soft, tired, and while Yoongi didn't feel sleepy at all, he was overcome by a similar sense of needing closure to the night. He had a feeling that Jungkook would sneak into his room in a bit, although he no longer needed to be as careful about it, but until then Yoongi didn't want to be alone.

He followed Namjoon easily, and accepted the beer from the minibar that he was handed a moment later with the same lack of complaints. He'd sat down on the bed in Jimin's room with his legs crossed for so long that they were still tingling, and so he decided to instead walk over to the window now where Namjoon joined him without saying anything until Yoongi did.

'We probably should have said something a lot sooner. I don't know why I made it out to be such an impossibility.'

'Probably. But there's no turning back time now.'

'I still feel guilty. If it had been all up to Kook-ah, I know we would have come and found you months ago. Instead I kept telling him I needed time and that we'd take it day by day. I was a mess for too long. I had such a hard time understanding what was happening, and I'm still not sure that I do.'

'Well, Kook-ah didn't grow up with secrets like yours. I'm not saying he has no idea what it's like to show only certain sides of himself, he knows that as much as anyone at the company, but you have a different story than he does. Don't beat yourself up over it.'

Yoongi only nodded. All of this, he knew logically, and still it would take a while for the guilt to settle and make way for something else.

'Joon-ah,' he said after taking a sip of his beer, 'I know you have a different relationship to staff than I do. Are you really okay with keeping this from them?'

It took Namjoon a moment to consider his words.

'I'll have to think it over. Maybe there'll be a time where it makes sense for them to know. But for now... You said that you yourselves still have to figure it out, right?'

Yoongi had lost count of how many times he'd stood in a hotel room and looked down at far away streets and city life. Standing where he did with Namjoon should have felt no different from any other hotel room on this tour and still nothing was the same. He could be honest now.

'Really, I know what I want. I'm just too scared to ask him if he wants the same thing.'

'After tonight?' Namjoon sounded disbelieving, but also fond somehow. 'Did you not see how ready he was to defend you and what you have?'

'Maybe,' Yoongi admitted. 'But it's still hard to believe. Whatever he does, I'll always struggle to believe it's real.'

Namjoon was quiet for so long, Yoongi had time to let his own mind wander, to think back on every single thing Jungkook had said tonight, every look he had given him, how he had held his hand. There had been no uncertainty in him. None of the regret or maybe even shame that Yoongi had been scared of.

Namjoon cleared his throat.

'You know, we all talk about how Jungkookie is so impressionable. Remember when we fought in L.A. about him looking up to us all? I should have realised how much that is true for you the other way around. How you adore him, not the way that we all do, but... You think he's everything. That argument was months ago, but it makes sense now that you hated the idea of him with someone else.'

Yoongi couldn't help it when his ears turned warm. He wasn't used to being known like that, but he also couldn't deny any of it.

'All those months,' Namjoon mused, as if to himself. 'I mean, I did realise something was going on, but I never went as far as thinking you were... I don't know? In a relationship?'

'It's been longer than that.' Yoongi didn't know where his honesty came from. Somehow, a dam had been broken, he had permission now to say whatever he wanted to Namjoon, and at the same time he needed to divert them from the subject of labels. 'Will you think I'm a terrible person when I tell you it's been years for me? The only reason why him kissing that girl set me off the way it did is because I've had feelings for him for forever. It's not new.'

There was more silence, then Namjoon knocked back his beer.

'You said there were no more surprises. No more secrets.'

Yoongi turned to the side only to see Namjoon smile. It wasn't an accusation, but more disbelief, probably the same kind of overwhelming rush of emotions that Yoongi felt. He didn't know what to say anymore, so he just finished his beer and looked back out over the city. In two days, it would be Paris he'd be looking down on and they would have come full circle.

'So what,' Namjoon knocked their shoulders together and cleared his throat again. 'You two are... You're really fucking?'

Yoongi didn't know whether to laugh or complain. He took a step forward, leaned his forehead against the cool window, and closed his eyes in disbelief. Then he chose laughter. It had been too long.

'What the hell?'

'What, I'm not allowed to ask? Just because you chose Kook-ah to do doesn't mean you're spared from sharing after you had nothing to say for years.'

'I can't go there,' Yoongi mumbled. 'You're his whole world, I can't tell you what he does in bed.'

'Honestly, I think you are,' Namjoon grinned. 'You really don't see how he looks at you? I can't believe I didn't see it sooner.'

'He knew you'd figure it out after Jersey.'

'Yeah. Because unlike you, he actually seems to understand what's happening between you and how fucking obvious it is once you know.'

It was hard to believe that maybe Namjoon was right. He couldn't do it. Not when he still couldn't comprehend that Jungkook hadn't backed out yet.

'Just promise me you won't hurt each other and fuck this up,' Namjoon said, more seriously now. 'I don't mean this in the way that Jin Hyung did, I'm not saying it because you have a responsibility as his elder. All I want is for you to take care of him. I'll ask the same of him.'

Arguably, Jin's words were the ones that had cut the deepest tonight, and only because of how valid they were. Yoongi immediately felt deflated at the reminder, and the sigh he let out fogged up the window until he took a step back again.

'He's right about it being messed up. I can't deny that.'

Next to him, Namjoon sighed.

'It's not like I don't see it. Of course it's something to consider, the fact that you grew up together, that he got to know you as his Hyung and not necessarily as his equal. But at the same time, we're no longer at that age. And at some point, Jungkookie became an adult. You're right when you say he can make his own choices. And if he chooses you, I would never be able to tell him that's a bad call to make.'

Sometimes, Yoongi felt like it was, but he didn't want to say so. His own feelings towards himself, his darker thoughts, were something he didn't want to bring into the conversation. He knew how Namjoon felt about them.

'I don't know if he'll choose me,' he admitted instead. 'I don't know if he's had enough time to really consider what it would mean. It's easy to fall into each other on tour, but I keep waiting for him to realise that it isn't what he wants beyond that.'

'Not enough time? Hyung, it's been months if I'm to believe you. And this is Jungkookie. He's either in it or he's not, and I think you'd know it if he weren't.'

Yoongi let out a small huff of a laugh.

'I always imagined that when we'd have this conversation, I'd be the one convincing you, not the other way around.'

'Well, I'm glad we're having it at all.'

'Me, too.'

Yoongi had a feeling they'd have it a few more times even. There were more questions that he could sense, and more things he himself wanted to say now that he finally could. He wanted to tell Namjoon not only about the last few months, but about the years before that, about Daegu and all the things he had glossed over in the past and been vague on.

He felt Namjoon's hand on his shoulder as he finished his beer.

'This will change things,' he said quietly. 'I can't tell you that it won't. But not us, yeah? That's one thing you don't have to worry about. I'm sure the same is true for the others.'

Yoongi had to close his eyes against everything that he felt.

...

There had been so many words that night, Yoongi's mouth was dry, and still his mind felt too full. When he eventually returned to his own room, getting ready for bed felt like a futile attempt at pretending he was actually going to sleep. It had been a long, long time since he had stayed up the entire night without a schedule being the reason for it, but he felt certain that he was going to see the sun rise over London in only an hour or two.

He wouldn't do it alone though. He had just dried his hair after the shower he had taken and had put on fresh underwear and a shirt to sleep in when the by now familiar knock on his door came, a little more careful than usual, as if Jungkook wanted to make sure not to wake him in case that by some miracle he had already fallen asleep.

'You should start taking the second key card on principle when they hand them out,' Yoongi grinned when he let him in.

Jungkook had taken a shower as well, either in Jimin's room or in his own. His hair was still a little wet and his shirt changed. He was as ready for bed as Yoongi was, and he didn't seem to want to sleep alone either.

'You're too lazy to take three steps to the door now?'

Yoongi only gave him a look. He wanted to pull him in close, he was aching for the reassurance of his body heat and affection, but he knew that once he did, he wouldn't want to let go anymore. Not after tonight. So he walked over to the bed first, pulled back the covers and waited for Jungkook to join him without a word. His mind wasn't tired, but his body had still played a show tonight and hadn't gotten over the jet lag entirely just yet. His limbs felt slow and heavy, but paired with his busy thoughts, all it did was make him needy and emotional rather than sleepy.

Despite his own messy self, the first thing he asked after Jungkook had climbed into bed with him and stolen half of his blanket, was, 'Do you feel alright?'

Jungkook's arm snuck around his waist so easily by now, Yoongi's heart almost forgot to stumble. His presence felt more soothing and comforting now compared to the adrenaline his body had responded with for so long.

'I feel everything,' Jungkook sighed. 'So damn much.'

'Okay. I figured. And Jimin-ah?'

'I think it's fine. Or it will be. All the things I worried about are there, but they'll pass. He's been a lot better than I thought.'

'I think it was good that Joon-ah was there for it.'

Jungkook hummed.

'Jimin Hyung's always been good about the things that matter most, he only gets hung up on the smallest issues. I should have known, but...'

'I didn't know any better either,' Yoongi admitted. 'How could we have known? This is all new.'

Again, Jungkook nodded. In Yoongi's back, he brought his hand underneath the fabric of his shirt in the most distracting, yet comforting way.

'What about you?' he asked. 'Are you okay?'

There was too much to consider to wrap his feelings in a simple okay, and still he nodded. His eyes met Jungkook's and once they did, that was where his attention stayed. The warmth in his gaze, the familiarity, the softness of him, and the slight edge of what was maybe curiosity or anticipation that never really left him. Jungkook seemed to take him in with just as much intent, and Yoongi felt any distance between them slip away in an instant. These days, it sometimes felt like when they looked at each other, their edges blurred.

He wanted to say something, but while his mind was too full, it was blank at the same time. The words wouldn't make their way to his tongue and left him looking back at Jungkook in silence, both of them just breathing, waiting, taking each other in. Until Jungkook twisted around and slapped his hand onto the light switch by the bed to leave them in the dark.

Yoongi hadn't closed the blinds yet, so when his eyes adjusted he could make out Jungkook's features again, though they were now narrowed down to the softness of his lips and the gleaming in his eyes. Yoongi reached for him, scooted a little closer, brought his arm around his torso and buried the tips of his fingers in the soft black strands of his hair. It was growing so much, was longer than it ever had been before, and Yoongi loved to feel it against his skin.

'I was terrified you'd call it a mistake.' The words came easier now that they were surrounded by darkness. He had to say them at least once, he thought. 'I kept waiting for you to say that. To claim it was all just a little bit of fun, but that you'd put the group first again from now on. I thought you'd want to please them more than you want...'

He could see Jungkook close his eyes, could hear him let out a sigh. They were close enough that his breath brushed against his jaw.

'You keep saying things like that. Why do you keep waiting for me to change my mind as if I don't know myself at all? As if I'd ever lead you on like that?'

Jungkook's voice was soft, not at all accusatory. When he opened his eyes again, there was something pleading in them.

Yoongi let a few seconds tick by, thought of everything he had already confessed that night, all the relief that had come with finally speaking his mind, and took a breath.

'Because I want this to be real,' he whispered. 'Not just a thing on tour, or an experiment. I'm serious about you, and we've never really talked about what that means. It was only ever about the here and now, one step after the other.'

Jungkook shuffled even closer to him, and Yoongi felt goosebumps rise in the back of his neck, felt his skin prickle in excitement just at that.

'We did talk about it. You just don't want to listen because you're scared you might actually be happy.'

Jungkook's words were a little too real, even when he said them with an unreasonable smile in his voice. Maybe Yoongi wasn't only afraid of asking and Jungkook's answer being no, but just as much of the answer being yes.

'I told you right after Paris that I didn't want any distance,' Jungkook continued. 'I told you I didn't want a break, even when I knew it made sense. When we set out for Speak Yourself, I told you I wanted to be with you more than I cared about the risk or the lying. I've told you over and over again that I'm in this. And still you keep waiting for me to go back on my word.'

'Because it means too much to me for you to be unsure.' Yoongi knew it was too much, that he was putting too much pressure on Jungkook, and still he couldn't keep himself from saying it. 'I don't mean to say that you need to promise me your entire life, that either of us can know what things will be like. I just... Jungkookie, I...'

When Jungkook leaned in to kiss him, it wasn't an interruption, but what he had wanted to say all along. The kiss was hard and full of a desperation Yoongi hadn't expected, but that made perfect sense somehow.

'Yoongi,' Jungkook whispered against his lips, his name always said like a caress. 'Here's what I want, and I've known that for months. I want you to finally call this a relationship and not be afraid of it.'

With how things had been lately, the words shouldn't have come as a surprise, and still, having them out there made a difference. Stealing kisses from each other any moment they could, sharing hotel rooms sneakily and pressing close to each other even with the others around, the endless conversations and late night texts and their desperate hands on each other. Jungkook talking about bringing Yoongi to Busan and being a part of his mixtape and asking them to go on a date. It was all already there, and yet it took a long moment for Yoongi to allow a smile to spread over his lips.

'A relationship?' he asked, his voice weak. 'You're serious?'

Jungkook nearly whined when he said, 'What else do you think this is? Hyung, what else do you need me to do for you to believe me? I've fallen for you months ago. It's all I can think about.'

Yoongi's heart doubled, tripled in size, until it burst out of his chest entirely, and there it finally was. That unrestrained joy Yoongi had kept at bay for too damn long. He found himself overflowing with so much unfiltered happiness, he had to hide his face in Jungkook's neck to stand it. But then he drew back when he heard Jungkook's addictive giggle, needed to see his face, and saw his own smile mirrored there.

'Kook-ah,' Yoongi sighed. 'I'll do my absolute fucking best to believe you. I want this. You're...'

He leaned in again, only to taste Jungkook's smile against his own. He kissed him, again and again, while his heart thumped so heavily in his chest he felt dizzy.

He wanted to tell Namjoon, he thought. He wanted to tell Hobi, Jin, even the Maknae line that drove him out of his mind sometimes. And he kissed Jungkook harder at the realisation. He kissed him breathless, then smiled wider again when he remembered that he wouldn't have to anticipate the last time he got to do this anymore. He could learn to think about something other than the end.

A relationship.

He grinned against Jungkook's lips so hard that Jungkook drew back, whispering a breathless, 'What?'

Instead of telling him one truth, Yoongi decided on another one that he remembered.

'Joon-ah asked if we're fucking.'

The spluttered laugh that Jungkook let out was followed by a groan as he ducked his head a little.

'No. Not like that?'

'Exactly like that. Don't tell me that Jimin-ah didn't.'

Yoongi brought his index finger to Jungkook's chin to make him look at him again. Even in the low light he was so beautiful, he didn't want to miss a second of it.

'Not yet. I know he probably will.'

'What will you tell him?'

Yoongi ran his hand over Jungkook's chest, down to the hem of his shirt that kept him from feeling Jungkook's skin. When he lifted it up, he heard Jungkook's breathing flutter on his next inhale.

'That you're driving me crazy, maybe,' Jungkook mumbled. 'That I want you like that. All of it.'

Yoongi pressed closer to him at that. He hadn't really expected Jungkook to give him an answer that wasn't just more playful conversation. An answer that Yoongi clung to, stored away for moments in which he would doubt again.

'All of it?'

Yoongi brushed his lips against Jungkook, leaned in closer until Jungkook fell onto his back and let Yoongi follow, looking down at him, though their faces were too close to really take each other in. Jungkook leaned his head back a little too invitingly for Yoongi not to run his lips down his jaw and kiss him where his pulse was thrumming a little too fast. The quiet hum it gave him made his own breathing hitch.

'Yeah,' Jungkook sighed. His hands came around Yoongi's body, snuck under the fabric of his shirt in his back to run them over his skin that was heating up under his touch. 'I think about it all the time. What it would be like.'

When Yoongi drew back just enough to find Jungkook's gaze, it felt like he was melting into him, bleeding out of his own body. There had always been a connection between them, but never like this. Jungkook had never looked quite so vulnerable, so entirely himself and trusting. There was nothing to hold on to anymore to keep Yoongi grounded. All he could do was fall further into him, lean down again to steal another kiss.

'Would be so good,' he hummed against Jungkook's lips. 'It will be.'

It was the first time he truly let himself imagine it, not in the way he sometimes did when he was delirious with want and need, but as an actual possibility, something that might some day happen. It had always been a fantasy, one he had been ashamed of at times, but now Jungkook was underneath him, arching up to let their bodies meet, asking for another kiss, and Yoongi couldn't find that shame anymore. There was only desire as he rolled his hips down into Jungkook's and let his thoughts run wild.

A label shouldn't have changed anything. It was only a word, only official conformation of what had already been real for months. And still, it felt different when they lost themselves in each other. Yoongi had gotten used to how quickly the desperation built with Jungkook, how responsive the other was, how easy to rile up and how devastating it was to see it, but it felt like more than that now. Jungkook was just as eager as he always had been, but there was something there that made them slow down a little, kiss deeper rather than more urgently, take their time as if they finally felt sure that they could.

'You're not tired?' Yoongi's question got lost between their lips somehow.

'No,' was all he got in response, so simple, so intentional when they were kissing like this.

Jungkook's hands were on Yoongi's waist, but rather than pulling, grasping at his body desperately, he was running slow circles over his skin, was mapping him out, guiding the movement of his hips almost gently every time Yoongi broke and rubbed his body down into Jungkook's, pressed himself against his thigh to let him know exactly what he was doing to him. Jungkook was panting under him, was squirming a little every time Yoongi came close to giving him friction, but he hadn't given in yet and thrown Yoongi onto his back the way he liked to do when it became too much.

Arguably, it was what Yoongi loved the most about being with Jungkook like this. The way he went from letting Yoongi take the lead, leaning back and allowing him to take him apart, so unashamed, and using his whole body to press Yoongi down into the mattress, just taking whatever he needed. All those times Jungkook had worried about which role to play, but he seemed happy to fall into any now. When Yoongi took his wrist and pressed it down into the mattress by his head, leaned further over him, kissed his way down to his collarbone to where his shirt had been drawn up, Jungkook only let out an airy moan and let him.

It turned into a sound more desperate when Yoongi ran his other hand down between their bodies to finally let it palm Jungkook over his underwear, feel the hardness of him, the heat. It made him lose his own breath, made him a little crazy with how much he wanted him, in whatever way. Jungkook seemed to feel the same, was arching his hips up and into the touch eagerly.

'You feel so good,' Yoongi told him. He had never been particularly shy about praising Jungkook, but this, too, felt different now. Like he was allowed to tell him anything he wanted, no longer had to hold back certain thoughts. 'I think about it, too. There's nothing I wouldn't want with you.'

Jungkook's hips rolled up, a whine left his lips, and his hands on Yoongi's lower back tried to pull him in closer, grasped at the elastic of his briefs, tried to do everything at once. But Yoongi only went so far, propped himself up a little more, and ducked down to press his lips to Jungkook's nipple. His right hand stayed where it was, slowly rubbing him through the fabric of his underwear until he could feel him leak through it, felt him jerk under the touch, aching for more.

He could hear Jungkook's breathing become more and more messy, heard him gasp when he bit down on his nipple lightly, then moan when he moved down lower. In the dark, Jungkook's skin seemed paler than usual, the planes of his belly and hipbones seemed to nearly glow, and Yoongi kissed him there, too, then right above his waistband before he drew it back. He wasted no time before he wrapped his lips around him. The sounds Jungkook made were too addicting, and besides, Jungkook deserved to feel good, deserved every good thing Yoongi could think of.

The way he moved was slow, slower maybe even than last time, and he marvelled at all the ways in which Jungkook seemed to fall apart anyways. It didn't take long before the taste on his tongue became sharper, Jungkook let out a low moan, barely kept his hips from bucking up, and tugged at his hair a little too hard.

'Yoongi.'

Yoongi thought it was encouragement, sank down a little lower, tightened his lips, but he drew back in an instant when Jungkook whined and muttered, 'Stop, stop.'

He looked up at him, couldn't see much in the dark, and moved up to prop himself up on top of him again.

'What's wrong?'

His hair had to be a mess, he realised when Jungkook reached out to push it out of his forehead.

'You know I'll come.'

The frown on Yoongi's forehead was involuntary, and he only became aware of it when Jungkook traced it with his fingers.

'You don't want to?'

He could see Jungkook bite the inside of his lower lip. His voice was so low Yoongi could hardly hear him when he whispered, 'I want you. All of it.'

The rush of heat that went through Yoongi was so hot it almost rendered him incapable of arguing. Almost.

'You... Now?'

Jungkook looped his forearms around the back of his neck to pull him down a little more.

'Why not now?'

Yoongi drew Jungkook's briefs up again. He'd still had his hand curled in the elastic.

'Because... Because we've hardly ever talked about it. It's a big step, and it's been a really long day. There's no need to rush, no?'

The pout on Jungkook's lips was so endearing, Yoongi couldn't help but kiss it.

'You want to talk about it?' Jungkook asked quietly.

'Yeah. Like... Do you even think you'd enjoy it? Have you ever... tried?'

Even in the low light, he could see Jungkook blush. He knew that's what he'd see if there were more than black and white.

'A little,' Jungkook mumbled. 'It didn't feel like much. But I'm sure it's better when it's you. The idea of your fingers drives me insane, but mine just weren't right. The angle and all.'

Oh Fuck.

'Is that what Jimin-ah walked in on?'

Yoongi couldn't help the throbbing in his lower body at the image Jungkook had put in his mind. At the idea of himself seeing Jungkook like that, touching him like that.

'No,' Jungkook huffed. 'No, I... I only tried it once. I'm sorry.'

'Sorry? God, why?' Yoongi ran his nose along Jungkook's jaw, shifted his weight from one arm to the other.

'Is that why you don't want to? Because I have no idea what I'm doing?'

Yoongi stilled at that.

'I don't want to? Is that so?'

Jungkook only looked at him, a little lost, so Yoongi let out a sigh. He lowered his hips to Jungkook's deliberately, let him feel how hard he was, how his body never failed to react to him.

'Koo,' he whispered against his lips. 'You have no idea how I want you. Honestly. I just remember how much it was for me, the first time. I don't care that you've never done it before, it doesn't make me want you any less, but it does make me want to do it right. Not after a day like this, and not when we've never tried anything like that at all. Maybe you'll hate it.'

Jungkook's eyes fell close when their hips rubbed together, and Yoongi saw his teeth graze his lower lip.

'Let's try then,' he heard him whisper. He nearly didn't get to finish speaking because Yoongi was already kissing him again. It was impossible not to when his features were all soft with honesty and he was making himself so vulnerable, was letting Yoongi see all of him like this.

'You like the idea of me topping?' he asked against his lips. 'I'm open to anything.'

Jungkook's nod made their cheeks brush.

'Yeah, I want that. I want to know what it's like.'

Yoongi cast a glance over to his bag that he had left only a step or two away from the bed. He'd carried lube with him ever since he had bought it a few weeks ago to make their wandering hands even better than before. His entire body felt hot at the thought of using it for something else. The thought of touching Jungkook like that, of doing something to him that no one else had done before.

And then he was out of reasons to say no. He leaned over, then felt Jungkook's gaze on him as he got out of bed when he realised his hand couldn't quite reach. When he threw his shirt off once he'd found what he'd been looking for, he heard a small sound coming from the bed and caught Jungkook biting down on it when he turned. He'd sat up and was watching Yoongi closely, the blanket pooled in his lap. When their eyes met, he pulled his own shirt over his head, then only sat there, waiting, causing Yoongi's heart to beat high up in his throat.

He was a little nervous, but mostly it was desire that made it hard to breathe right. The few times he had done this, long in the past, had felt entirely different. There had never been this much anticipation, this much closeness. It had simply been a physical act, and one that Yoongi hadn't even cared for that much, despite his curiosity to try and his enjoyment of other aspects of it. With Jungkook, the mere idea of it made his cock throb.

'You want to, right?'

Jungkook's voice was small when he asked, just as Yoongi climbed back into bed with him. He paused, hovering over Jungkook, the blanket in his hand.

'I want to. I just want to be sure that you do, too.'

Jungkook nodded. He reached a hand out for him which made Yoongi lower his body to his once more.

'When you said it's not like it is in porn, what did you mean?'

Yoongi considered him, ran a hand over his naked side, felt him shy away from it a little where he was ticklish at a touch this light.

'It's not always the right time for it. For your body. Or it might hurt a little. You might just not be into it. It's just... More real than what you've probably seen.'

And still Jungkook didn't look taken aback. He only nodded, then considered the lube in Yoongi's hand.

'I think I'll like it,' he decided. 'Real is good.'

Yoongi smiled at him. He looked down at Jungkook's body underneath his, followed the line that his hand was running down his side with his eyes.

'You want to stay like this? On your back?'

Jungkook seemed to consider it, nodded, then looked up at him with a question in his eyes.

'You can,' Yoongi told him, then kissed him. 'Just asking.'

Again, Jungkook nodded, this time because their lips were already touching again. He ran his own hands down Yoongi's back until they met his waistband, and this time they didn't stop there. Yoongi mirrored him, drew back the elastic of his briefs, and their eyes met again as they undressed a little messily under the covers. Yoongi had seen all of Jungkook so many times, in bright daylight, without anything to hide behind, without having any reason to, and still the darkness and the covers made him feel excited as if he'd never gotten to look before.

Once their bodies met again, skin against skin, Yoongi sighed and stole another kiss. He would never get enough of Jungkook like this. Especially not now that everything suddenly seemed so overwhelmingly endless and the things Jungkook was asking for drove Yoongi out of his mind.

Him getting out of bed had momentarily cooled the heat between them, but it flared up again quickly when Jungkook shifted a little, so invitingly, reminding Yoongi of what he wanted. Yoongi's hand tightened around the cool bottle in his hand, he ran his other down Jungkook's body, but was distracted when Jungkook did the same to him. For a moment, he couldn't do anything other than give in to the pleasure of it when a hand wrapped around him, tight and perfect and everything he needed.

He thrust his hips forward, let Jungkook bring him back to full hardness, a lot more quickly than he wanted to admit. This, too, felt different now that he knew that they were a lot closer to doing it all than he had thought they were. There was so much want suddenly, all he could think of was what it would feel like to slide into Jungkook, feel the heat of him, that tightness he hadn't felt in so long, and it left him breathless.

It took a moment, but eventually he managed to focus enough to open the lube with one hand and squeeze some of it onto his palm. Jungkook's gasp when he wrapped his wet hand around him was enough to make him feel like maybe this was enough after all, their hands on each other. Enough to bring him close, to make him feel so satisfied and blissed out. But it wasn't the plan right now. And anyways, Jungkook faltered quickly when he ran his fingers further down, pushed his legs apart a little more with his thigh, and rubbed over his taint where he had never touched him before, despite it all.

Jungkook's hand fell away from him and held on to his hip instead. It was better this way. Yoongi didn't know if he'd make it very far if he kept touching him, and besides, he wanted to focus. Wanted his full attention to be on Jungkook and every single one of his reactions. It already made him feel warm just to see his eyes close and his throat bob at the promise of Yoongi's fingers so close him. The soft whine he let out when Yoongi rubbed his fingers down lower was so good, Yoongi kissed the corner of his mouth to try and catch it with his lips.

'Okay?' he whispered, breathed it against his mouth.

Jungkook nodded. He opened his mouth, but only let out a sharp breath when Yoongi pushed the tip of his index finger inside of him, slowly, not very deep. He was already so hot, felt so tight, Yoongi was getting impatient. It had been so long, and with Jungkook it had been so impossible until now, he hadn't spent too much time thinking about all the possibilities until now that Jungkook had laid them out for him. Now, Yoongi couldn't think of anything else.

'You'll kill me if we do this for real,' he mumbled, 'I just won't make it.'

He felt Jungkook's teeth graze his jaw, they were still so close.

'More,' was all he managed. 'Please, Hyung.'

Yoongi rubbed more lube between the tips of his fingers before he returned to what he'd been doing, and this time he sank in deeper than before, watching Jungkook's face carefully. He seemed to take deep breaths deliberately, was maybe waiting for the pain that Yoongi had warned him about, or maybe he was just breathing through the nerves he undoubtedly felt. Yoongi tried to move gently, yet went deeper with every time he thrust into him, and Jungkook let him, with his forehead slightly creased in concentration and his lips beautifully parted. He didn't look truly blissed out yet, more focused, tense in a good way, and so Yoongi shifted his weight to free his left hand and be able to rub his thumb over the tip of Jungkook's cock.

It got him the reaction he'd wanted, a low moan, the arching of his hips, and his body relaxed into the pleasure. He could feel Jungkook give in to it, felt how the slide of his finger became a little easier, a little deeper.

'How's it feel?' he asked, his own voice low and a little too breathless.

'Good,' Jungkook sighed. 'It's like you said. It's good.'

Yoongi remembered that conversation. He'd said it was good, because it hadn't been more than that. Not for him. Even with more than one finger, with pressure right on his prostate, it had never blown his mind. Yoongi had never given someone else the chance to really learn his body, to make it better than it had been. Just good. But he wanted more for Jungkook. With how responsive he usually was, he wanted to know if he could make him love this.

He drew back, got more lube, then teased at his rim with two fingers. It took a conscious effort, a deep breath from Jungkook for his muscles to relax and let Yoongi push into him. He paired the first thrust in with another swirl around the tip of his cock, and Jungkook moaned, tensed, chased the pleasure, but then also pushed down against the fingers inside of him. It was encouragement enough for Yoongi to keep moving steadily, slowly, until he could feel the slide becoming easier and he was able to scissor his fingers a little, probe at his walls, do more than just open him up.

'Kook-ah,' he whispered, just because, 'You're doing so good.'

In response, Jungkook moved his hips, met his fingers as much as he could, asked for a little more. Yoongi kept moving, but also wrapped his other hand around him now, stroking him tightly to feel the way he clenched around his fingers in return.

'Like that,' Jungkook groaned, but it wasn't what either of them had wanted. It was pleasure from a hand around his cock, not from deep inside of him. And so Yoongi kept his grip tight, but slow, as he crooked his fingers experimentally, searching now. He could feel Jungkook tensing up, felt anticipation rise in him. A few times the breath that Jungkook let out became so loud that Yoongi thought he'd found what he was looking for, but when he did, it didn't compare to any of the low sighs and whines he'd been hearing.

Jungkook's grip on his waist tightened all at once, he threw his head back against the pillow, his entire body arched up and into the sensation when Yoongi's fingers rubbed over his prostate. He tightened so much, let out the most desperate of moans, entirely overwhelmed, surprised, his hands grasping at Yoongi as if his body was the only thing that made sense to him.

'Yoongi,' he gasped, the sound caught in his throat, and it almost sounded helpless, almost made Yoongi stop.

'Good?' he asked, even though he could feel the way that Jungkook was throbbing, both inside and in his hand. He slowed the thrusts of his fingers down and instead focused on that spot that had Jungkook writhing underneath him, rubbed over it again and again, lightly, then a little more rough when Jungkook's sob came out too pleading.

'Yoongi, Yoongi, what...' he was mumbling, his eyes closed now, his grip on his waist so tight Yoongi was sure he'd see bruises tomorrow. There was wetness at the tip of his cock, steadily leaking onto his tense abdomen, and Yoongi rubbed it into his skin, made sure to circle his tip again and felt him jerk in his hand. Jungkook had never been shy about how easy it could be to make him lose his mind a little, but right now, it seemed like he couldn't even comprehend it enough to feel conscious of it.

His entire body had locked up, he was gasping, his breathing so fucked up Yoongi thought he might pass out. His back was arched, his cock leaking more even when Yoongi stopped making conscious attempts at teasing his sensitive skin right at the head. He was still throbbing in Yoongi's hand even though he had stopped moving it on him and was instead focusing only on crooking his fingers and rubbing over him in ways that made him lose his breath even more.

'You like it?'

The question came out more teasingly than Yoongi had meant it, only because he was so breathless himself, so turned on he could barely stand it. He ground his hips down against Jungkook's thigh for some relief, did it again, then paused when he realised he hadn't gotten a response.

He slowed down, withdrew his fingers a little, propped himself up more.

Jungkook opened his eyes with a low whine. They were so dark, Yoongi's stomach dropped when he looked at him.

'Is it too much?' he found himself asking. He never would have done so, his confidence wasn't that high, not after how long it had been, but the way that Jungkook's chest was heaving and how he looked at him with eyes wide and dark made him wonder.

'I didn't know,' Jungkook whispered, his voice shot. 'It didn't feel like that to you?'

'Don't think so,' Yoongi mumbled, 'What does it feel like?'

Jungkook opened his mouth, then just shook his head with a sigh and a low laugh.

'Like I never want you to stop,' he breathed. 'Never.'

Yoongi rubbed his fingers over him again, purposefully, and Jungkook's gasp met his lips.

'That good?'

Jungkook only nodded, a little frantically, and so Yoongi repeated the movement, thrust his fingers into him again and again, steadily hitting that spot that made Jungkook shudder more and more desperately now. God, it drove Yoongi crazy to see him like this. Nothing else would ever compare to it. Having Jungkook underneath him this blissed out, having him hold on to him when there was nothing else for him right now other than his pleasure. He was trusting Yoongi with it. There was nothing better than that.

Yoongi let his gaze wander down Jungkook's flushed chest and to his belly, his cock. Precome had smeared all over his lower stomach and was still dribbling from his tip. He'd never been this wet in the past, but he had also never felt Yoongi like this, so deep inside of him. Yoongi felt almost certain that he had never felt this at all, that his own fingers had never reached where he needed them.

Curiosity took over and Yoongi took his hand off his cock entirely. He needed to shift his weight, but also, he wanted to watch, wanted to see Jungkook's reactions only to his fingers, nothing else.

'Can you come from it?'

This time, it didn't sound teasing to him. There was too much heat in his voice that gave away how turned on he was, how much the thought alone got to him.

Jungkook tried to respond, but his attempt turned into another moan when Yoongi rubbed his fingers over him deliberately slowly.

'No,' he managed, but it sounded more like a complaint, like another whine when it was paired with how his hips arched up in search for friction. It was followed up with, 'Yeah, I...' right away, and Yoongi watched as more precome made his tip glisten, dribbled down to his abdomen. Yoongi didn't think about it when he leaned forward and ran his tongue over the head, tasted him, let him feel the vibrations of his own moan when he wrapped his lips around him only for a second.

'Yoongi,' Jungkook gasped so hard, his hips arched up frantically, searching for the heat of his mouth, then ground down against his fingers. 'I can't, I can't,' Jungkook all but sobbed. 'Yoongi, I...'

Watching him alone brought Yoongi close himself. He took pity on him when he took in how hard he was, how he was twitching, trying to come, so overcome by it all. Pressing right against his prostate, he wrapped his other hand back around him, and the moment that he did, Jungkook let out a moan so full of relief it shook Yoongi to his core. He felt Jungkook come, felt his orgasm rush through him, felt him tighten impossibly more as wetness ran down Yoongi's hand and he shook through so many waves of his high Yoongi lost his own mind over it.

He felt frantic with need himself that nearly exploded as he watched Jungkook like this, listened to his attempts to catch his breath, and then he gave in. Without waiting for Jungkook to come back to, he wrapped his wet hand around himself, withdrew his fingers only to be able to lean forward and bring his mouth back to Jungkook's as he stroked himself quickly without drawing it out. He was so close, so damn close, and it took nothing at all to make him break.

'Yoongi,' he heard Jungkook whisper, right by his ear, a soft caress, and when a hand pulled at his sore waist in encouragement, it was enough. He came with a groan, uncaring about the mess that left Jungkook's belly even more sticky. Hot waves of relief washed over him, again and again, so intense it was unreasonable for how little he had been touched. Still, his body had been so high strung, so full of need.

The room seemed to be spinning a little. It was so quiet except for their heavy breathing. Slowly, Jungkook's death grip on Yoongi's waist softened and turned into something more conscious again, his hand stroking over his side, his back, his shoulder blade. Yoongi didn't know how Jungkook had the capacity for it. All he himself could do was try to breathe, to find his bearings again.

'I didn't think it would be like that.'

Apparently Jungkook's wandering hands were not an indication that he had collected himself. His voice sounded a little slurred, entirely sated, relieved.

'I didn't either.'

'I wasn't prepared. You didn't sell it all that well.'

Yoongi let out a laugh, then he finally managed to move and he rolled his body off of Jungkook's only to fall onto the mattress right next to him, one of his legs still thrown over his. His shoulder ached from holding himself up for so long, but he couldn't find it in himself to care.

'It wasn't like that for me,' Yoongi said again. 'Maybe it would be better with you, probably, but not like that I think.'

'It's embarrassing, but I can't even care.' Jungkook's voice was soft, and so was the giggle that followed, so entirely him. Yoongi still couldn't really comprehend that he got to hear it like this, in bed, both of them naked and spent and, finally, exhausted.

'Good. You were so good.'

The more Yoongi came back to himself the more there was to register. It had gotten a little brighter outside, the sky over London was turning the faintest shade of pink in the distance. The sun would be coming up soon and Yoongi couldn't bring himself to be upset about his lack of sleep. He had a feeling he wouldn't mind being tired today.

It took a little while longer, but eventually he made himself get up only to wet a towel and run it over Jungkook's belly and between his legs while Jungkook watched him attentively with a smile tugging on his lips.

'I can't imagine doing this with anyone else.' He reached out for Yoongi just when he was about to get up again and so the towel was dropped to the floor instead and Yoongi crawled back underneath the blanket.

'You did do this with someone else,' Yoongi pointed out, but Jungkook shook his head so vigorously, Yoongi smiled.

'Not like this. It wasn't like this at all.'

'Yeah,' Yoongi sighed. 'I guess it's never been like this for me either.'

Jungkook contemplated this, looked like he was going to use the opportunity to ask questions, but then he only nodded. They had time, Yoongi supposed. Time to talk more about Daegu and anything else Jungkook wanted to know about. Yoongi could do so freely now, not only with him, but with the other members, too.

'We'll be in Paris again so soon,' Jungkook noted after a while. 'You wanna go back to that club?'

Yoongi hid his face in his neck at that, pressed a kiss to the juncture of his neck.

'No. I wanna do new things with you. I was so stupid last year, leaving you there like I did. I don't wanna go back.'

'I tried so hard to be angry,' Jungkook laughed, 'But I couldn't. I just wanted to do it again. I'd been thinking about it since Amsterdam. Berlin, maybe. And then we finally did that and you just ran off.'

Yoongi scoffed. 'Finally? You barely had to wait a week.'

A few days, maybe. It had taken Jungkook no more than a few days to kiss him after he had realised that it was what he wanted. He was endlessly more brave than Yoongi was.

It took a moment of silence before Jungkook asked, 'How long before Paris, Hyung?'

Yoongi only looked up at him in question, shifted his weight a little so he could properly see him. Jungkook's hand came up to his bad shoulder when he saw him slightly favouring the other.

'You said you wanted to kiss me before Paris.'

Yoongi looked at him, considered this final truth he had yet to lay out for him. Would it really change anything? If he was going to be honest from now on, he might as well start with this.

'A long time. Honestly, Kook-ah, it's been too long. I swear I never thought this way about you when you were truly young, I never even considered it, but it's been...' He took a deep breath, met Jungkook's gaze that had turned a lot more intense, his eyes wide again. 'When we started this tour, I was already in love with you. It's why Paris threw me off the way it did, because to me it wasn't new to think of you this way. I'd gone years knowing I didn't like you as a friend or a brother, I just never thought it would go anywhere at all, so I...'

The breath that Jungkook took was shaky, his lips were so prettily parted. He looked at Yoongi like there were a million things he wanted to say, but there were no words for a long moment.

'You're too good at making yourself miserable,' was what he settled on, the hint of a smirk playing on his lips, 'God, you're so stupid, Hyung. We could have had this the whole time?'

He reached out for Yoongi, a hand on his jaw, the tips of his fingers toying with the hair in the back of his neck. It was Jungkook who leaned over him now, who was holding himself up in a way that made his biceps bulge where Yoongi could feel it when he held on to him.

'You wouldn't have known what to do with it had I told you,' he argued weakly. 'There was no point.'

Jungkook shook his head. 'I would have figured it out. I always felt something for you, I just didn't recognise it for what it was. If you had said something...'

But there was no use in thinking about what ifs, and they both knew it. Jungkook wasn't truly complaining, either, he was smiling harder with every second that he processed Yoongi's confession further.

'You're in love?' he repeated, so quietly, the words brushed against his lips. 'Really?'

Yoongi only hummed. He kissed Jungkook softly, a hand in the back of his neck, pulling him down. Jungkook's smile tasted so good, like promises.

'I should probably learn how to tell you better,' he sighed. 'Or you could ask the camera team. I've thought about that so many times, how my highlight reel from the tour is just me having my eyes on you. All the damn time.'

Jungkook's gaze softened, and Yoongi swore he could see them glaze over with tears that didn't fall.

'Well, mine is you. All the moments that we had. I don't know why I didn't understand this sooner.'

But they had now. For the first time, Yoongi felt that there was nothing left between them that was unsaid or unwanted. They were here now, both of them together, wanting the same thing. And Yoongi couldn't even doubt it. Couldn't make himself obsess over all the reasons against it right now. Instead he kissed Jungkook again, and all he could think of was how Jungkook wanted this, too.

Chapter Text

'Hyung!'

Yoongi, sitting on the couch across the room, turned without Jungkook having to specify which one of them he was calling out for. He always seemed to know these days, although Jungkook bothered with the honorific less and less often, especially not when they were alone.

Yet another green room, yet another crowd around them, but only one head turned at his request.

'Yoongi,' he repeated more quietly when he reached him. 'Look at the picture.'

They had only been in Busan for half a day, and already Jungkook's camera roll was full of snapshots of the beach, the skyscrapers lining the pier, little shop windows, and food stands he associated with his childhood. He had bothered Jin for a while and made him pose by the water with his sunglasses down his nose and his hat drawn deep into his face, had taken pictures of Jimin splashing water at the camera and of Hobi gulping down fishcakes staff had brought them.

The picture he wanted Yoongi to see however was of Namjoon bending down to reach for whatever wildlife he had spotted in the sand. In it, the sun had already started to set and was painting the sky in a beautiful tint of pink and purple. It was a good picture, the lighting and the composition – all of it was visually pleasing. But it took Yoongi too long to notice. He squinted at the small screen and took Jungkook's phone from him to see better.

'What are you trying to say?' he eventually asked, his voice lowered into that slurred Daegu drawl he used whenever he was being particularly lazy or pretended to be unimpressed which he hardly ever was. 'You're still losing it over his thighs?'

Jungkook took the phone back from him and looked at the picture again. It was only now that Yoongi had pointed it out that he took note of the way that Namjoon's thighs glowed golden in the setting sun and his shorts wrapped around the muscles tightly as he bent down.

Jungkook let out a laugh.

'Grumpy,' he realised. 'Are you tired?' He waited a beat, then added, 'Jealous?'

Yoongi held his gaze for so long that Jungkook's heartbeat began to pick up. He had always loved having Yoongi's full attention on him, but lately the way that he looked at him felt like he was stripping him naked. Yoongi knew all of him, both figuratively and literally, and it showed in the way that his eyes pinned him down without pretence and without any care for the crowd around them. They were close enough for Jungkook to tune the others out.

'Jealous? Whose thighs did you rub off on this morning?'

Jungkook felt heat creep into his ears and cheeks, but at the same time he couldn't keep a smirk from spreading over his lips at the memory. He was so far past feeling bashful or shy around Yoongi. Not when he had seen him just as desperate, just as lost in pleasure. The mere thought of it made his insides tighten and his blood rush south.

'Hyung,' he whined, his voice low, even lower than Yoongi's had been. He loved when Yoongi's words were meant only for him, when they were intimate like this, but there was no privacy right now.

There was staff around them, and so were the members that were getting ready to go on stage. The team they had brought with them to Busan for two consecutive shows was familiar, but not aware of their relationship. Sometimes Jungkook wondered if there was a Noona or two that had come close to catching on, or whether their physio might have really known for months without drawing attention to it, but none of them looked at them any differently than before. And while there were moments in which Jungkook wished he could have stripped himself bare for them, the appreciation he held for his peace and quiet with Yoongi outweighed them.

It was enough to have the members know. Jungkook was still getting used to this new way of being around Yoongi, to the way the others looked at them at times, as if they could still hardly believe the truth they had learned in London. It hadn't been easy to feel at ease around Yoongi again whenever they weren't alone. They were only just getting to the point where the novelty was wearing off for the others and he felt less observed, if out of curiosity and disbelief rather than judgement.

It was enough this way. It was already so much to process, was so overwhelming at times, Jungkook didn't need anyone else's input, anyone else's scrutiny.

'It's a good picture,' Yoongi told him now. 'You know you're good at this. It's beautiful.'

Jungkook beamed at him.

'I took some of you, too.' He navigated back to his camera roll to scroll through the abundance of pictures. 'They turned out well.'

He turned his phone around to show Yoongi a shot of him that he particularly liked, in which he had just turned at the sound of Jungkook's voice and was looking over his shoulder at the camera with that look in his eyes that Jungkook had gotten addicted to. There was so much familiarity in Yoongi's eyes, so much closeness, and that feeling of home was only amplified by the fact that of all cities, Busan's skyline was visible in the background.

Yoongi only looked at the phone for a second before yawning. He wouldn't compliment the picture the way he'd do it with ones that didn't show him, and Jungkook hadn't expected him to.

'I am tired,' he said instead, a belated response to Jungkook's earlier question. 'I hope the hotel is nice.'

Jungkook pursed his lips at him and didn't have to say anything more before Yoongi leaned forward with that slightly alarmed look on his face that he got any time Jungkook wasn't pleased. It was so easy to get to him, Jungkook couldn't help but tease exactly that look out of him sometimes, if only to prove to himself that he could.

'You know what's nice?' he mused. 'My parents' house. I'll sleep so well tonight, and I'll rub it in your face tomorrow.'

They had already talked about it, and the pout on Jungkook's face was merely a memory of that discussion. Of course Jungkook would have loved to have Yoongi stay with him at his family's home, but he understood all the reasons Yoongi had given him to prove that he couldn't. Jungkook wasn't naive. He just got hung up on how unfair it was that so many of the things that he wanted were labeled as such.

'What can I say, you deserve it,' Yoongi granted. He had always been too soft, so unwilling to play along with Jungkook's playful arguments if it meant upsetting him, even if it wasn't real. Jungkook had no idea how he managed to show him so much softness, yet to never make him feel coddled.

'You'd deserve it too,' he noted and ran a hand through Yoongi's hair before thinking better of it with a look around the room. Before the members had known, no one would have batted an eye at the affection, but Yoongi had sent too many warning glances at them lately when their touches had resulted in whistling, staring, or giggling. It wasn't their touches that would potentially draw the staff's attention, but the group's inability to stop teasing them.

Yoongi cleared his throat. Behind Jungkook, their head manager was calling them over to the door to head towards the stage.

'I'm sorry, Kook-ah. Maybe next time we're in Busan we can talk about it again.'

Yoongi had already said this, multiple times, and Jungkook had already told him he understood, so he only gave him a look now.

'You need to at least say hi to Junghyun Hyung after the show, yeah?'

Yoongi nodded. As alienating as it apparently seemed to him that Jungkook had told his parents about their relationship last week, he'd never been that thrown off about his brother knowing. Maybe because telling his own brother seemed more possible than his parents for now.

'Your family is all here, Kook-ah?' Jin asked as he passed by on his way to the door without missing the opportunity to drag Jungkook with him by the back of his shirt. Yoongi followed them easily.

'Yeah, of course. Even my grandparents. Jimin Hyung's crowd, too.'

Jungkook loved shows in Busan. He loved showing off for his family, but also to be able to give something back, to let them know they had been right in supporting him all those years when he had been so young. Two consecutive concerts with a night in between to spend at home was perfect. He was already on cloud nine since staff had agreed to their short stop by the beach earlier, and even Yoongi staying at the hotel couldn't put a dent in his mood. It was only one night without him. He'd somehow survive, even when sleeping with him had become so normal by now.

'Yoongi-yah better behaves in front of his in-laws then,' Jin grinned and threw an arm around Yoongi as they made their way towards the door. Yoongi shook it off right away with an attempt at annoyance he couldn't quite muster up. The time when Jungkook had believed his acts was so far in the past now, he wondered how he had ever managed to feel even just a little intimidated by the other's moods.

It was good to see Jin smile at them. Even when it hadn't taken him long to come around after London, Jungkook had been worried, and he knew that Yoongi had felt the same. Jin had stolen Yoongi away from the group for so long a few days after they had all talked that Jungkook had thought about finding them to come to Yoongi's defence, but when they had eventually shown up for their show in Paris they had both seemed lighter than before.

Paris. Another memory that made Jungkook's heart beat faster. There were so many of them these days, he didn't know if he'd ever get used to it. Yoongi had seemed so eager that night, relieved after his reconciliation with Jin, if they wanted to go that far, and Jungkook had found himself hardly able to keep up with him. Their time together only seemed to become more intense with every day on which it became more clear that they would last. That their new reality of not lying to their friends wasn't just a dream.

It had changed Yoongi at least, without a doubt. For months there had been something in his kisses, but also in his words and his daily affection towards Jungkook that had sometimes seemed like grief for a loss that hadn't hit him yet. He had held on to every moment with a heaviness Jungkook had struggled to understand, had seemed almost scared any time things had become too good. Now, he was laughing against Jungkook's skin at night, was whispering praise in his ear that he wouldn't have ever voiced in the past.

Jungkook's heart felt so full, he barely knew what to do with it. Sometimes he tried to talk to Jimin or Taehyung about it, but their gleeful teasing, the ruffling of his hair, and the playful covering of their ears wasn't always what he wanted. That part, they were still getting used to as well. Jimin still sometimes had moments in which he let Jungkook pay for meals or do him little favours after stating that he had sins to atone for. Of course he wasn't serious, but Jungkook knew that Jimin was only forgiving him slowly, even if it ambiguously seemed like the complete opposite sometimes.

Right now, Jimin wordlessly asked for help with his in ears when Jungkook came up next to him. Jungkook took the cable, ran it underneath his shirt in his back, and hooked the end of it onto Jimin's belt.

'Thanks,' Jimin told him and ran the back of his hand over his cheek in passing. And then, 'Fighting! Make your parents proud.'

Jungkook nodded.

'And you yours.'

They started walking down the dark hallway below the stage, only illuminated by the flashlights staff guided them with. Nerves and excitement made Jungkook bounce with every step he took, but he still managed to spare a moment to thank whoever was listening that nothing had changed between him and Jimin in that way. Jimin still rolled around hotel beds with him, still let him touch him in too many intimate ways without thinking twice about it. And Jungkook still felt nothing for him but friendship.

He had wondered, after last year in Paris. Had waited for that desire, for that curiosity that had hit him to also extend to Jimin at the very least. He had actually been worried when it had come to Namjoon. It would have made so much sense in so many ways. But it hadn't come. All he had wanted was Yoongi. All he wanted now was Yoongi. He hadn't felt scared when Yoongi had talked about the future for the first time, had told him that what they had together meant too much to him for Jungkook to be unsure. It hadn't scared him because Jungkook wasn't unsure.

'Let's watch the fireworks later,' he said as a way to test in in ears when they all gathered in a circle for their pre-show ritual.

'Alright, Jungkookie,' Hobi immediately smiled.

'Anything for you,' Namjoon nodded.

'Does Yoongi Hyung not give you enough fireworks?'

Taehyung's remark was quickly talked over by Namjoon who bumped his shoulder into him and extended his hand for the others to stack their own on top.

'To Busan,' he said. 'Let's do this.'

For a second, Jungkook caught Yoongi's gaze. He knew by now that most of the fear that had crept onto his features any time the members or staff had come too close to finding out about them had had to do with Jungkook potentially changing his mind, not actual concern about their lies. So Jungkook made sure to give him a smile, to not let him go on stage worried. The way that Yoongi smiled back at him gave him butterflies that mixed with his pre-show adrenaline.

He placed his hand onto Namjoon's, felt the weight of the others' on top, and took a deep breath.

'Bangtan!'

Yoongi was turned away from them now, away from Jungkook, as he always was for this, and Jungkook was glad for it. For the fact that some things hadn't changed. Bangtan still came first, in a way, and it would always be that way. And still Yoongi touched his lower back before they spread out to take their positions. Still, Jungkook had to swallow against the excitement, the need to touch him back, and forced himself to take a deep breath and steady his voice. Then he closed his eyes and waited to be lifted on stage.

...

Yoongi's gaze on him was distracting in its tenacity. At first, Jungkook had glanced over at him at every red light, at every stretch of empty road that he drove them down, but the last time he had dared to do so, Yoongi had given him a smirk so dangerous, he'd since kept his eyes where it was safe. The dark streets of Busan, devoid of traffic this late at night and becoming more isolated the further out of the city Jungkook brought them.

He'd gotten used to the quiet way in which Yoongi seemed to often watch him. His attention always felt like a caress, a reminder, an addictive kind of warmth that crept deeper into his chest every time he caught him at it. Usually, it made Jungkook slow down, made something in him relax and unwind. But every now and then, it was this. His heart hammering so hard it tripped over itself, that tightness in his lower belly, the need to drop whatever he was doing in order to touch, to taste, to claim.

It was rare that Yoongi didn't bother to disguise his interest, no matter how innocent, but right now, his stare was unwavering, and it had heat creeping up Jungkook's spine. He tightened his hands around the steering wheel.

'Down there, Hyung used to work,' he mumbled and threw an arm out to the left where the road gave them the option of turning back towards the city. Instead of going there, Jungkook steered the car further uphill to where they would soon pull over. They had been driving for a while, away from the hotel the group was staying in and towards a remote area that was filled with few tourists during the day and would be entirely empty by night.

'It's strange to think you could have done that, too,' Yoongi told him quietly. His tone was always different when they were alone. More intimate, more at ease. 'If you had stayed in Busan. I can't imagine you working an office job here like Junghyun-ah.'

Jungkook hummed in agreement. He'd always known that wasn't the path he wanted to take, and maybe that was why returning to Busan always felt a little strange, as much as he loved it. It was half a life he had lived here, always dreaming of leaving. And still he enjoyed showing Yoongi around, driving through his childhood neighbourhood, past his elementary school, his cousin's house, his favourite restaurant as a child that he had celebrated every birthday at. One day, he wanted to see the same places in Daegu, even when he knew that it would be a different kind of trip, and one that Yoongi wasn't ready for.

'I used to come up here sometimes to practice dancing,' he said. 'It's a long walk without a car, but it was a good warm up. Then I just danced for hours and pretended the skyline was a music video backdrop.'

'Skyline? We're gonna get a view?'

Jungkook nodded. He hadn't told Yoongi where he was taking him yet, hadn't even made him aware that there was a final destination, one that Jungkook had only decided on a short while ago. But Yoongi had gotten into the car anyways, had waited for him in the hotel parking lot obediently, regardless of how late it was.

Despite how he had claimed differently earlier, Jungkook had taken too long to fall asleep in his old bedroom. When his phone had lit up with a text and he'd known that Yoongi was lying awake, too, it hadn't taken much encouragement on either side for Jungkook to grab the keys to his parents' car and sneak out of the house in a way he'd never gotten a chance to do as a teenager. He'd been too young when he had left Busan, and sneaking out of the company dorm had always held a different kind of danger than just his family's anger.

There were no rules about him needing to notify the company about every step he took, and still it felt strange to be roaming around his old neighbourhood without anyone being aware of where he and Yoongi were or what their plans were. Something about it felt forbidden, but certainly not in a bad way. It reminded Jungkook of Amsterdam, of when they had snuck out of the hotel together just to take a walk. There was a sense of adventure to it, though Jungkook felt almost certain that the adrenaline that made him feel flushed was Yoongi's presence and nothing else.

He dared another glance to the side where Yoongi was sitting with one leg drawn up underneath the other, turned towards Jungkook entirely, so disinterested in the scenery around him even when he had happily commented on all the places Jungkook had taken him. He was in dark, loose clothes that he had thrown on quickly before he had left the hotel, his hair was messy from the hours he'd spent trying to fall asleep the same way that Jungkook had, and his face was pale and bare. It was dangerous to look at him for too long, and Jungkook forced his attention back on the road before he could think too hard about Yoongi's hooded eyes and soft lips.

For another few minutes, they drove in silence. Neither of them had offered to put on music, but instead they were content listening only to each other and the quiet of the night beyond the engine working. When Jungkook pulled over eventually, that noise, too, cut off. There was nothing around them other than the nightly silence. After a second, Jungkook killed the headlights, too.

Where they had parked was a viewpoint, or had once been one before the city had expanded and other places had proven themselves more popular and accessible. They'd be able to see down to the shore lined by endless skyscrapers if they got out of the car, but Jungkook couldn't even be bothered to let Yoongi know. He took a deep breath, heard Yoongi unbuckle his seatbelt, then turned to the side again.

Yoongi was hardly ever relaxed. There was tension in his shoulders at all times, permanent distrust in his features, and that peculiar air of darkness that only seemed that way at first, but hadn't thrown Jungkook off in years. Right now, none of that was true. He'd lowered his leg when he had undone the seatbelt and now sat with his knees spread wide, leaned a little too far back in his seat, his head resting against the fine leather and tilted to the side to look at Jungkook.

'You're hot when you drive.'

His voice alone made Jungkook feel heavy with want. It had taken so many months for Yoongi to finally no longer hold back his thoughts around him, and while Jungkook loved them all, his body never failed to react to the ones he used that deep and slow voice for and that he only ever shared with him when they were alone with each other.

Sometimes, he still caught that look in Yoongi's eyes, that bit of worry any time he admitted to something he'd never shared with Jungkook before. Thoughts about the future, but also about the past. About all the ways in which he'd thought of him before, and for how long. But all Jungkook wanted was for him to say more. To give and give and give, just so that Jungkook could match it all, could fall into Yoongi entirely without needing to worry about being too much.

It scared him sometimes, how hard he had fallen. How there was simply no bottom yet, no end to any of it, not even his wildest fantasies. Often, it felt like it was only just starting, and the idea of it never failed to make his heart beat out of his chest in a way he wasn't used to yet. Maybe he'd never get used to it. If he still felt his entire body heat up just by looking at Yoongi, how would he ever recover from knowing he was his?

Jungkook undid his seatbelt. He hadn't suggested the drive with the intention of anything less than innocent, but he also hadn't not thought about it when he'd taken the road out of the city. Despite how the members now knew and things had become a lot easier in many regards, Jungkook still felt that the time that he got with Yoongi was never enough. He wanted to hide away with him for a week straight, never leaving the bed.

Especially now that they had finally taken that step they had worked up towards for a while. It had only been a few days ago, on a rare night alone at the dorm. Despite how they'd spent their week in London and Paris with Yoongi's fingers driving him crazy every single night, actually having him inside of him had been different. A lot more to process. Jungkook hadn't believed Yoongi when he had tried to tell him all of that before, but it had finally made sense when they'd taken forever to work through both their nerves and the hints of pain, even when the anticipation had been worse than the reality.

They'd only done it once, and it had been slow, a little awkward, too new to claim that it had been the most arousing thing they'd ever done with each other. And yet it had been perfect. So intimate that Jungkook had heard Yoongi laugh into the pillows after, teasing him for his romantic view of it when Jungkook had rambled about it with his mind still completely blown.

Ever since then, it had been hard to think of anything else. A door had been opened and everything that had been a fantasy before was suddenly a possibility. There was so much that Jungkook wanted, and he knew that something had changed in Yoongi, too. They hadn't had time to repeat it all just yet, but the way that Yoongi touched him had become more self-assured, more bold. It was exactly that change that made Jungkook feel hot under his gaze right now.

When he leaned over to kiss him, Yoongi's fingers immediately hooked underneath his collar to keep him there. After so many months of feeling like he'd scare Yoongi away with one wrong word or look or touch, it was exhilarating to finally have him hold on to him like that, to know that he was done trying to convince Jungkook that he shouldn't let him.

Jungkook couldn't remember ever feeling a kiss in his entire body like this before Yoongi. He could feel attraction for many people, hadn't even stopped noticing girls, but the simple appreciation he'd felt for them in the past simply didn't compare to the ways in which Yoongi made him fall apart. Yoongi was attractive, of course he was, Jungkook had always thought so, but he was also the person Jungkook missed when they spent as much as an hour apart, the person he constantly longed for and that he just couldn't get enough of.

Kissing Yoongi felt like the rest of the world just slipped away from him and nothing else existed. He had no idea how much time passed as they fell into each other, their lips finding each other again and again, and their hands exploring wherever they could reach. All the nerves Jungkook had felt at first were so far out of reach now. He didn't think about it when he let his hand drop down from Yoongi's neck to his shoulder and then his chest where he had always loved feeling him the most. He'd gotten addicted to every inch of him, but what still fascinated him the most was the flatness of his body, the likeness to his own.

He barely had time to run his hand underneath Yoongi's shirt before he felt him tug at his collar in return and smiled into their kiss. Not that long ago, Yoongi would have cast glances outside, would have told Jungkook to bring them back to the hotel where they could lock a door behind them. Now, he only seemed focused on steadying Jungkook by the waist as he climbed over the centre console and into his lap. Jungkook was giggling as his knee knocked against the car door and he had to duck his head, but Yoongi only smiled softly and ran his hand over the knee he'd just bruised.

'You okay?'

Jungkook nodded as he settled down and leaned his forehead against Yoongi's. Arguably, he loved this the most. Being held by him like this, feeling small in his arms, and still having some control over him if he wanted to. It seemed like the perfect balance of it all, of letting Yoongi lead him and still learning how to break him a little. Yoongi's hands were already on his hips, ready to guide him, and Jungkook sank down deeper in his lap to which Yoongi leaned his head back with a sigh.

Yoongi was never particularly loud, and yet it was becoming too easy to read him, to note all the small signs of him being turned on. Jungkook loved them all. The dark look in Yoongi's eyes, the appreciation in them, the way his composure crumbled only slowly, but then all at once. For a while, Jungkook had been able to tell that Yoongi was letting him decide, was waiting for him to make the first move. Now, it was Yoongi drawing him in for a kiss. Yoongi whose hands were roaming over his body with intent, Yoongi who made Jungkook shift in his lap to make the friction just right for both of them. All Jungkook had to do was to kiss him back, let their bodies become one, let go of any coherent thought.

It was the easiest thing in the world to let Yoongi touch him like this, to grind down into his lap slowly, but hard, to work them both up until they were panting into each other's mouths and Jungkook was growing desperate for more. He let his hand find Yoongi's cock over his sweats and echoed the sound he made. How had he ever felt nervous about this? It was Yoongi, and it was so good, so addicting.

They kept kissing, Jungkook loved how familiar it felt by now, how they had learned each other so well. Their lips didn't part when Yoongi shoved the fabric of his own shorts out of the way and then rubbed his palm over Jungkook in response to how Jungkook's hand wrapped around him the moment that he could. Their knuckles kept knocking against each other, sometimes on purpose, and Jungkook groaned when he felt Yoongi's hand slide into his briefs and wrap around him. They fell into an easy rhythm, one that Jungkook determined with rolls of his hips that became more frantic by the second.

Yoongi's free hand on his waist guided him, but only until it dropped down to his ass, into his underwear, further down. Jungkook jerked in his grip, his thighs automatically fell open a little more, encouraging him. It only took Yoongi's index finger rubbing over his rim for Jungkook to know exactly what he wanted. Their kiss had spiralled out of control into something so heated Jungkook could hardly keep up with it, and he slowed them down only to whisper, 'Want you, Yoongi.'

Their eyes met, and the heat in Yoongi's gaze was so much, Jungkook almost changed his mind. Maybe he didn't want to wait any longer, didn't want to drag this out. But at the same time he remembered how fucking good it felt to take that time.

'Here?' Yoongi managed. He didn't sound opposed, his voice so deep and intrigued. He still didn't bother to take in their surroundings, but only kept looking at Jungkook in a way that made him want to melt into him entirely.

'Here,' Jungkook nodded. 'Please. Wanna try it like this.'

He tightened his thighs around Yoongi a little in emphasis, and watched Yoongi's eyes fall close for a second and his Adam's apple move as he swallowed hard.

'Fuck, Koo,' he mumbled. 'Are you sure?'

Jungkook leaned down to kiss the corner of his mouth, then his jaw, his neck.

'Please,' he repeated, right by Yoongi's ear. The way that he could feel him shudder was enough to make him grind his hips down again. Their hands had slowed down, but Jungkook made sure to run his own down Yoongi's cock slowly, so tight, so that he felt wetness a the tip when he brought it back up again.

'Koo,' Yoongi groaned, his head falling a little further back. 'Did you bring anything?'

It was luck more than anything. Jungkook hadn't thought about it when he had thrown his backpack into the car earlier, had only considered his wallet and licence that were in it. Since London, he had started to carry around a travel sized bottle of lube that he was too nervous to carry in his suitcase, considering how many staff members were handling his luggage for him. His backpack was only his own.

Yoongi busied himself by kissing down his neck when Jungkook stretched towards the backseat. He barely had time to grab what he needed before he was distracted by Yoongi's hand wrapping around both of them, and for a while they just stayed like that, Jungkook's face buried in Yoongi's neck, both of them breathing hard. It could have been enough, it often was, but Jungkook knew what he wanted right now.

He hesitated only once, when he sank down on Yoongi a little while later, Yoongi's sticky fingers guiding him. There was none of the apprehension Jungkook had felt the first time, he knew it would feel good once he'd relaxed into it enough, and still it was a little overwhelming, a little too new. Jungkook closed his eyes as he lowered himself down, breathed through the slightly uncomfortable feeling of being so damn full, focused on Yoongi's calming touches and soft whispers about how good he was doing, how good he felt.

It took a long moment for him to get used to the feeling, to feel ready to move. Yoongi's groan when he first did so was enough to make him wanna do it again. It felt a little unreal, knowing they were really doing this, knowing Yoongi was turned on enough to allow them to be careless like this, knowing this was something they'd get to do again and again, and it would only get so much better with time.

Although when he sank down again, and this time it was just right, it was hard to imagine that it could get any better. The pleasure that unfolded so deep inside of him was something he'd never get used to. He'd never thought it was possible to feel this good, and he always struggled to explain to Yoongi just what it did to him to be touched that way, let alone feel Yoongi's cock inside of him like that. He didn't have words for it. At first he had felt self-conscious about it, had wondered if it was normal to fall apart like that, especially when Yoongi had said it hadn't been that way way for him, but Yoongi had told him enough times by now how much he loved seeing him that way. He'd shown him, too.

So Jungkook let himself fall into it, found a rhythm that had him chase that tight heat more quickly than he had ever thought possible. Yoongi's face was one of pure bliss, all dark and handsome and devastating, his breathing was so beautifully out of control, his hold on Jungkook's waist tight enough to make Jungkook think there was nothing else for him. There certainly wasn't for him. It was only Yoongi, it would only ever be Yoongi.

He'd never thought it could be this easy. There was only pleasure, heat, desire, Yoongi's low voice, mumbling praise. It hadn't felt like this the first time when they had been too occupied giggling about the more uncomfortable parts and figuring out how to soothe their nervous bodies. Now, it was nothing but frantic movements, messy kisses, a chase towards the end that neither of seem seemed willing to wait long for.

'Yoongi, Yoongi,' Jungkook mumbled, his hand in Yoongi's hair, the other pressed to the window to hold himself up. He loved the way his name tasted on his tongue, especially in moments like these when Yoongi had never once chided him for dropping the honorific. They were one, like this, so far from formalities.

Yoongi shifted underneath him, widened his legs a little, then lifted his hips, thrust up and into him, and Jungkook was done for. He knew he was being too loud, the constant stream of moans and gasps and whines that he kissed Yoongi with was growing out of control, but he didn't care. He fell apart like that, when Yoong's hand wrapped tightly around him, with Yoongi whispering in his ear about how close he was, how he wasn't going to last. It didn't take him long to follow Jungkook.

Afterwards, it took them a long time to find their composure. Jungkook's thighs ached, his lower back hurt, he was sweaty and flushed, and still he couldn't make himself move. The laugh he let out got lost in Yoongi's neck where his skin tasted just as hot and salty.

'God, I love you.'

Yoongi's words were low, merely a whisper, sighed with so much satisfaction Jungkook could have doubted them, could have written them off to the rush of relief. But he felt Yoongi freeze under him almost immediately, felt the sobering breath that he took, and he knew. He'd known without Yoongi having to say anything. Slowly, he drew back and pressed their foreheads together again.

'I love you too,' he whispered. 'You know I do.'

It was different from how he had said it in London. How he had said it a million times before. Yoongi's eyes locked with his, and Jungkook waited for that never ending doubt to show there, for him to frown and argue and resist. But he only took another deep breath, and the corner of his mouth twitched with a smile. Then he nodded, if weakly.

'I do know. I really do.'