Chapter Text
August 17, 2017
It’s been a heavy few days, and I’m still trying to wrap my head around it all…
Chloe and I have decided to take some time apart. It’s weird to even write that down, like putting it on paper makes it seem more real. After everything we’ve been through, I never thought that we’d end up here. It’s not what I wanted, but after everything that’s happened, it feels like the only way forward. Ever since Arcadia Bay, Chloe’s been riding this rollercoaster of emotions. Highs where she’s her old self, and lows where she just shuts down. I’ve tried to be there, to hold space for her. But a few days ago it all came crashing down.
We were in New York for my photo gallery feature, my first real break as a photographer. Chloe was so supportive, hyping me up like she always does. But then, out of nowhere, she snapped in the hotel room. She had a breakdown, and it was like all the pain she’s been burying just erupted. She blamed me for the storm, for letting it tear through Arcadia Bay, for letting it take her mom. She screamed that I should’ve gone back, that I should have let her die instead. I didn’t know what to say. I just stood there frozen while she cried. I don’t blame her, though. Not really. Chloe never got the chance to grieve properly. Not for Joyce, or for Rachel. We’ve been on the road together for years, running from one place to the next, trying to outrun the ghosts of Arcadia Bay. But you can’t outrun something like that.
Sometimes, I close my eyes and I’m right back in Arcadia Bay, standing in the rain and watching as HURRICANE AMBER tore everything apart. I wonder if I’ll ever stop seeing it in my dreams. I keep thinking about the lighthouse, how it used to feel like a safe place. Now it’s just a reminder of everything I couldn’t save. Chloe’s words keep echoing in my head “You should have let me die.” I know she didn’t mean it, not really. But it’s hard not to wonder if she’s right. I keep replaying that moment in the hotel room, wishing that I had said something, anything to make her feel less alone in her pain. I wonder if I failed her by not seeing how much she was struggling, or if we were both just too broken to help each other. There’s this one photo I took of Chloe, back when we were happy on the road. I can’t bring myself to look at it, but I can’t delete it either.
I think I’ve been so caught up in my own selfishness that I didn’t see how much she was hurting. We’ve been drifting apart for a while now, and I didn’t want to admit it. Chloe wants to move forward, to live without looking back, but I’m stuck. Every photo I take, every quiet moment I’m back in Arcadia Bay, wondering what I could’ve done differently. Our ways of coping… they’re just too different. The gallery was a blur after that. But something amazing happened too. A scout from a prestigious Arts and Science university in Seattle approached me. They offered me a spot in their program, starting in a few weeks. I said yes. It’s a chance to build something new. I’m scared, but I’m ready.
Chloe, though… She's going her own way. She’s hitting the road with some band to St. Louis… We said our goodbyes yesterday. It was messy, full of tears and awkward hugs, but there was love there too. I love her. I always will. She’s my best friend, but we need this space to figure out who we are without each other. I wish her the best, wherever the road takes her. I called my parents last night to tell them about Seattle, and I could practically hear them smiling through the phone. They’re thrilled that I’m coming back “home” closer to them again.
Home for me has always been Arcadia Bay and then Chloe… Besides, It’s been years since I’ve lived in Seattle, but I guess it’ll always be home to them. They immediately started talking about me moving back in with them, saying it’d be like old times. Seattle feels like a ghost of a life I used to know, like I’m stepping back into a version of myself I don’t really fit into anymore. Mom and Dad keep talking about old times but I’m not that shy kid who left Seattle years ago. I’ve seen too much, done too much. That's exactly what they are. Old times . I haven’t told Mom and Dad about the time-travel thing. How could I? They would probably think I’m Krazy, but sometimes I wish I could just tell them everything.
They brought up how excited Kristen and Fernando must be that I'm coming back, but truth be told I haven't had contact with them in YEARS . Kristen and Fernando were my friends back in Seattle, but we drifted apart after I moved back to Arcadia Bay. I’m not even sure they’d recognize me now. Part of me wants to reach out to Kristen and Fernando, but what would I even say? I wonder if Kristen and Fernando are still as tight as they used to be. Maybe I’ll run into them in Seattle, but I’m not sure if I’m ready for that.
As much as I love mom and dad, I’m not ready to move back in. I need my own space, a chance to figure out who I am now, after everything. I told them I’m settling for the dorms at the university at least for now. They were a little disappointed, but they get it. Besides, the university is offering a one-year no-expense dorm package with an unlimited cafeteria voucher. You better believe I’m taking full advantage of that while it’s available. Free food and a place to crash? Uhm, Yes please. Unlimited cafeteria vouchers sound like a dangerous superpower. If the cafeteria has anything like Two Whales waffles, I might never leave. Okay, maybe that’s wishful thinking.
I’m nervous about starting over in Seattle, but there’s a tiny spark of excitement there too. Maybe this is where I’ll find my footing again, through my camera, and through new people too. I’m excited about the dorms, but I’m also terrified of being around so many new people. What if they see right through me? I’m starting to realize I need to stop running from myself. Seattle’s my chance to face who I am now, not the Max from five years ago. I don’t know if I’ll ever be OKAY after Arcadia Bay, but maybe I can learn to live with the pieces of me that are still here. I keep thinking about what Mr. Jefferson said about capturing the moment. I hate that he was right about anything...
I haven’t told Mom or Dad about Chloe’s breakdown. They wouldn’t understand, and I don’t want them worrying about me more than they already do. They’d mean well, but it’d make everything feel heavier. I’m already carrying enough guilt without their worried looks piling on more. Besides, how could I even begin to explain what happened? It’s all too much, too unreal. I barely understand it myself. Chloe must’ve told David something though. He called me yesterday out of the blue. He asked if I was alright. He said Chloe had mentioned that we'd had a rough time in New York. He didn’t push for details, just said he was sorry things got messy between Chloe and I. He wished me all the best, told me to take care of myself in Seattle. I could tell he was hurting too. He was probably thinking about Joyce. I gave David my thanks and told him that I’d be okay, but after we hung up, I just sat there, staring at my phone, feeling like I’d been punched in the gut. It makes me wonder what Chloe told him, how much she’s carrying alone now that we’re apart.
I wrote Chloe a letter before she left, but I didn’t give it to her. It’s sitting in my bag, full of all the things I couldn’t say out loud. I hope that she finds what she’s looking for in St. Louis, or at least a piece of the peace we’ve both been chasing since Arcadia Bay. I’m bringing my old Lisa the Plant to the dorms. She’s survived all our road trips, so she at least deserves a spot in this new chapter.