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Chapter Text

Elnor had forgotten how beautiful Vashti looked from orbit.

The last time he had seen his home from space had also been the first: when he was leaving with Picard and the rest of the motley crew he would soon call family.

Before he left Vashti, Zani had assured Elnor that there would always be a home for him there with the Qowat Milat. Despite knowing that, he hadn't once returned to visit the planet ever since joining Picard in his mission to find and protect Soji Asha. That failure towards the people he loved, towards the people who'd raised him, filled him with a sense of shame, especially after Zani asked for him to come back and he rejected her in favor of staying in Starfleet to please Raffi.

Now that Soji and her fellow synthetics were safe, she had been touring the galaxy in an attempt to mend diplomatic relations between synthetic life and the various peoples of the Milky Way.

When her scheduled trip to Vashti began to approach, Soji started pestering Elnor to come with her, even going so far as to tease him and claim that accompanying her to Vashti would fall under the oath he swore to protect her.

“I'm only joking,” she had said over the long-distance comms in response to Elnor’s expression turning utterly perplexed. “But still, it'll be fun! You'll get to visit home for a bit, and I'll get to see you for the first time in ages.”

“You're seeing me right now.”

“I’ll get to see you in person. It's not the same when it's over comms.”

Elnor had been hesitant at first. What if Raffi was right? What if Vashti wasn't really him anymore? But eventually Soji wore him down and he caved to her requests.

When the time came for the two to visit Vashti, it had been exactly four months since Frontier Day, but it was the first time Soji and Elnor were going to see one another since that disaster of a celebration. Thousands of young officers and civilians had been temporarily assimilated by the Borg that day, Soji and Elnor included. As Elnor beamed down to Vashti’s surface (he had been hesitant to use the transporters for a while after the incident) and made the short walk to the spot where Soji said she would be waiting for him, he wondered if she would attempt to broach the subject. When she spotted him, she smiled.

“Elnor!” Soji greeted him enthusiastically, running up to him with a bounce in her step, “It’s been forever!”

Elnor was about to correct her on how long it had actually been, but she stopped him before he even opened his mouth.

“It's a figure of speech,” she said.

“Oh, I see.”

“But seriously, it has been a long time. How have you been?”

“I’ve been…” Elnor paused. 2401 had been one hell of a year so far, what with his acceptance into Starfleet being immediately followed by the nightmares of the Confederation and Frontier Day.

Soji must have suddenly realized the same thing, because she soon changed the subject. “You cut your hair,” she observed.

Elnor reached up to twist a lock of his much shorter hair between his fingers. Such a drastic change had been hard to adjust to at first, but he got used to it eventually. “It was to help me fit in at Starfleet Academy,” he said.

“I hope they didn't treat you too badly over there. I know some people still have… reservations about the Romulans.”

That was putting it lightly. Word of a full-blooded Romulan attending Starfleet Academy had spread quickly. While Elnor was sure many people distrusted him simply because of his heritage, most of them knew better than to show it.

Aside from the occasional stare or few unkind words, most of his negative experiences with Starfleet personnel had been honest mistakes for which an apology was quickly delivered. Some of his classmates had mistaken him for a Vulcan at first, then were subsequently very confused when they saw him openly express his emotions, before they finally put two and two together and realized that he was the Romulan cadet they had heard so much about.

“Nothing I couldn't handle,” Elnor said.

“But you felt the need to cut your hair to fit in?”

That genuine question from Soji left Elnor struggling to come up with an appropriate response. His long hair had been an unmistakable symbol of his Qowat Milat upbringing, and being so clearly different from his peers made him feel increasingly alienated. When he cut his hair, his peers’ attitudes towards him noticeably improved. But in cutting off his hair, hadn’t Elnor also cut off a part of himself?

“I’m sorry. I didn't mean to…” Soji began.

“I know. I know you didn't.”

The two stood in awkward silence for a few seconds before suddenly Soji brightened.

“Oh! Before I forget, I got you a gift!” she said. She reached into her bag and started rummaging around in it before pulling out a box wrapped in blue paper with a tag attached that read “for Elnor” in her distinctive handwriting.

“Think of it as a late birthday gift, late graduation gift, late Christmas gift… well, you don't celebrate Christmas, but you get the idea,” she said.

When Elnor took the box and opened it, he found a book inside. The cover depicted a cloaked figure walking through a sandy desert: Dune by Frank Herbert.

“It's a science fiction novel written four hundred years ago. Of course, it's wildly outdated by now, but it’s still considered one of Earth’s most influential sci-fi works,” Soji explained. “I read it and the main character reminded me of you, and you're one of the only people I know who reads paper books, so I did a bit of hunting to find a physical copy for you.”

A warm feeling blossomed in Elnor's chest and he couldn't help but smile. “Thank you. It means a lot that you thought of me.”

“So, where to go first? You're the one who grew up here.”

The question gave Elnor pause. Truly, where to go first? There weren't many points of interest to tourists at North Station, so thinking of even one destination was mildly difficult.

“There's a marketplace nearby,” he suggested eventually. “Perhaps that's of interest to you?”

“Lead the way.”

Elnor nodded, then started to walk down the dusty street with Soji beside him. “I apologize if your visit hasn't been very interesting so far,” he said. “Making the planet appealing to visitors isn't one of Vashti’s top priorities, as you can imagine.”

“No, don't apologize! I've been living at Central Station these past few days and there's this really kind family living there who agreed to host me for my stay. They've helped me meet all sorts of new people. And even if my visit had been boring so far, it’d be worth it to see where you grew up,” she said. “I’ll have to take you somewhere to repay the favor. You’ve already been to Coppelius… so maybe Seattle?”

Elnor was about to point out that Soji hadn't grown up in Seattle (or anywhere, for that matter) but quickly stopped himself as he realized that saying so would probably be insensitive. “That’s very kind of you, but not necessary,” he said instead.

“No, come on! It'll be fun!”

“That seems to be your reasoning for a lot of things involving me.”

“It’s not my fault that you don't know what fun is.”

“I know what fun is.”

“Then prove it and come with me to Seattle sometime.”

Something inside Elnor caused him to tense up at the phrase “prove it,” but he just as quickly shook it off. “Would I be correct in assuming that you won't take ‘no’ for an answer?” he asked.

“Yep.”

Despite himself, Elnor laughed. “Then I accept your offer.”

As the two got closer to the center of town, they began to pass others on the road. While most didn't give them a second thought, one or two people stared at them a bit too long as they walked by.

Occasionally Soji would stop to look at what a vendor in the market was selling. Candy, souvenirs, jewelry... she even got as far as seriously considering buying a pair of earrings before eventually deciding against it due to the cost. (Elnor offered to pay for her, but she declined.)

This repeated several times before eventually Soji spoke up as they were walking between market stalls.

“I saw a cat while I was waiting for you,” she said. “I wanted to point it out to you, but it ran away before you got here.”

“A cat? Here?” Elnor asked.

“Yeah. I guess it must be a stray.”

“I’ve never seen a cat around here before. But I suppose I have been gone for a while…”

“It must be good to be home.”

“It is, but…”

“But?”

“I haven't been home in two years. What if it's changed? What if I've changed?”

“Change isn't always a bad thing.”

Elnor looked around at the town he had grown up in and brightened as he spotted the same familiar fruit stand across the street. At least one thing was still the same after all this time.

“Are you hungry?” he asked Soji.

“I could go for a snack,” she said, though clearly a bit puzzled at the sudden change in topic.

“This way,” Elnor said. With Soji following behind him, he approached the fruit stand that he had stolen from a hundred times when he was younger.

“Oh, what's this? Looks like sisterboy brought along a round-ear girlfriend,” the vendor said in his native Romulan. He had always been a prickly sort of man, but seeing Elnor only enhanced that side of his personality.

“Greetings to you as well, Mister Korrem,” Elnor responded in kind, completely unfazed by the taunt.

“But what name is he going to use with her if he already uses his true name with everyone he meets? It’s absolutely indecent.”

“Soji is not my lover. And even if she were, your opinion on what name I use with each person in my life does not concern me in the least.”

“You two know I can understand you, right?” Soji piped up. Korrem ignored her.

“What do you want, sisterboy?” he said.

“I was hoping to buy from you.”

“Then by all means, be my guest,” he said, though not at all in a friendly tone.

Elnor took a pitaya from one of Korrem’s several fruit baskets and gave him the handful of coins to pay for it. Korrem then very quickly waved the two away from his stall.

“What was that all about?” Soji said after they walked away, switching back to Federation Standard.

“He doesn't like me because I used to steal from him as a child.”

Soji laughed as if Elnor had made a joke. “You? Steal?” she said incredulously. When Elnor nodded, she gasped. “Elnor!”

“He was the only vendor to cultivate and sell Earth fruits, and I had an obsession with Earth at the time. Pair that with the fact that I was young with no money and no impulse control…”

“I can't believe it. You little thief!”

“I’m not a thief anymore. I haven't stolen from him in ten years.”

“Now I’m imagining a tiny little Elnor running around and snatching fruit from people without paying. Back when you were a thief, what did the rest of the Qowat Milat think of that?”

“Zani scolded me every time I came home with something I didn't pay for. Eventually I grew out of stealing, but it took a few years.”

“A few years is a long time for a little kid!”

“Believe me, I know.”

“So… how are we going to get this thing open?” Soji said, taking the pitaya from Elnor to turn it over in her hands and examine it carefully.

Elnor reached for the handle of his sword, safe in its scabbard slung over his shoulder. Soji spotted him and gasped.

“Elnor, no!” she scolded him, but her eyes were shining with a sense of mischievous excitement.

“You asked how we were going to get it open.”

“But… with your sword?”

“Why not?”

Soji tried to give him a reason, but failed to come up with one. “Yeah, why not?” she said eventually. She held the fruit out at arm’s length and allowed Elnor to draw his sword.

“You’re not gonna slice my hands open, right?” Soji said.

“Of course not.”

“Alright, I trust you. Go ahead and do your thing.”

With a single stroke of Elnor’s blade, the fruit fell apart into two equal pieces in Soji’s hands. With a delighted smile she handed one to Elnor, then bit into the other herself.

“Mmm, fresh fruit. One of the few good things about summer,” she said.

“You don't like summer?” Elnor inquired, sheathing his sword again.

“Never have. I just can't stand the heat. And it's always really bright outside, so I can barely see a thing.”

“Oh, I see.”

Now that she had pointed it out, Vashti’s twin suns were a lot brighter than usual today. Their rays were dazzling enough to make one feel ill. (Other than that, the weather was quite nice.)

The two continued down the dusty road in comfortable silence, taking bites of their pitaya slices as they walked.

After a few minutes of this, Soji suddenly stopped walking and tilted her head slightly. “Elnor… these people are whispering about you.”

“Whispering?” If Elnor strained his ears, he could just barely hear indistinct gossip coming from the people around them, but it amazed him that Soji could make anything out. “You can hear them?”

“I can hear almost everything. That's one of the perks of being a synthetic. They're talking about you… hurting someone?”

She didn't seem shocked, just curious. After all, she had seen him kill before. It was her very first impression of him, and if that didn't make her afraid of him, nothing would. (He was grateful that she wasn't afraid of him. He considered her a dear friend, one whom he would never do anything to hurt. It would fill him with great sadness were she to be afraid of him.)

Elnor looked around at the people surrounding them. A few cowered when his eyes met theirs, and it was then that he realized where they were standing: in front of the Romulan Social Club, where Elnor had once beheaded a man and then threatened the horrified crowd that had the misfortune of watching.

It had surprised Elnor just how easily his blade cut through flesh and bone. He had been thoroughly trained in the way of the sword, but he hadn't yet used it to take a life.

As the former senator’s head slid from his shoulders and his body lifelessly fell to the ground, Elnor regretted that he had not taken the warning and disengaged like he was asked. It was Elnor’s first-ever kill, but it would not be the last.

“Yes, I once took a man’s life here,” Elnor admitted.

“And you regret it?” Soji inquired, tilting her head in that distinct Soji-like way.

“Yes,” Elnor blurted before he could stop himself. Then he gave it more thought. “No,” he said instead. Then he gave it even more thought still. “It's… complicated. He was going to hurt Picard, and I tried to warn him to choose a different path, but…”

“He didn't listen?”

“I don't regret protecting Picard. I regret that I had to hurt that man to do it.”

The restaurant still had the “ROMULANS ONLY” sign hanging at the entrance. The patrons inside started to glare at the two of them the longer they lingered in front of the premises, but Elnor just glared back.

After a few seconds, Soji ushered Elnor away with a polite smile and wave to the restaurant’s customers.

“To be honest, I've kind of been putting off coming to Vashti,” Soji said after she had dragged Elnor an appropriate distance away. “After all, the relationship between most synths and most Romulans is still sort of… tense, to say the least.”

Elnor understood exactly what she was talking about. Despite the leaps and bounds of progress made when it came to the equality of synthetics, the fight was far from over.

“That establishment wasn't always Romulan-only,” Elnor said. “When I was a child, it served everyone and even had Federation Standard writing on the sign. But after Picard left, things just kept getting worse, until eventually…”

Soji only nodded in response. “Leaving the planet alone to fend for itself for fourteen years… I can't imagine what that must have been like for you.”

It wasn't pleasant, to say the least. Elnor recalled all the lonely nights, all the overheard stressful discussions between the rest of the Qowat Milat, all the insults and slurs hurled at him well into his young adulthood…

Suddenly Soji gasped.

“Oh, look!” she said, tugging on Elnor’s sleeve to get his attention, “There it is, that cat I was telling you about!”

Elnor followed Soji’s pointing finger and saw that, sure enough, there was a black cat sitting nearby, watching them.

“It's black,” Elnor said. “Aren't black cats unlucky?”

“That's just silly superstition.” She crouched down in front of the cat and tried to beckon it to come closer, even attempting to wave her half-eaten pitaya in front of it as a treat, but it simply ignored her and turned to walk away.

“Aww, come back!” she said, but her pleas fell on deaf feline ears. Disappointed, she stood up again. She opened her mouth to say something, but cut herself off by turning around to look behind her. Elnor looked, too.

A group of people was running directly at them. One of them shouted something indistinct, and Soji looked back at Elnor in confusion. An instinctive chill ran down Elnor's spine, but it took him a shamefully long time to act on it. It took him a shamefully long time to realize that they were being attacked.

It was only a few seconds, but he should have known better than anyone that a few seconds could mean the difference between life and death.

One of them drew their disruptor, and Elnor froze. Every instinct and rational thought was telling him to fight, to protect Soji, to protect himself, and yet Elnor froze.

They pulled the trigger, the disruptor bolt brushed past him, and Soji screamed. They hadn't been aiming for him.

Suddenly Elnor could move again. Faster than the shooter could aim and pull the trigger again, faster than any of their companions could react, faster than he ever believed he could be, Elnor dropped his half-eaten fruit, drew his sword, and slashed across their throat. They made an awful choking noise that he had gotten quite used to and collapsed, involuntarily firing another blast that missed anything that could be considered a target.

Then he was on top of another one of their attackers, kicking their gun out of their grasp and carving a line through their stomach before they could land a hit on him.

Suddenly a cry of pain forced its way out of his throat. A blade had lodged itself in his shoulder.

While his back was turned, the last remaining enemy had thrown a knife at him and just barely missed hitting a more debilitating location. Elnor grit his teeth, tore out the knife, and hurled it back at his opponent. It merely grazed their cheek and Elnor cursed himself for missing.

Instead of drawing their disruptor and attempting to shoot him, the attacker raised their fists in a gesture that Elnor easily recognized as them trying to initiate an unarmed duel.

Elnor didn't reciprocate.

Without thinking he charged them with his sword, stabbed them through the chest, and watched without sympathy as they choked on their own blood and fell to the ground.

The only sound was the continuing buzzing of insects in the summer air.

Was it dishonorable of Elnor to do that, to attack an unarmed opponent with a weapon? Strangely, he didn't care. The only thing on his mind had been protecting Soji, and the last time he had engaged in an unarmed duel while trying to protect someone, his opponent took advantage of him and Hugh paid for it with his life.

Elnor turned and rushed to Soji’s side. The disruptor blast had knocked her to the ground and she was now lying motionless, bleeding into the dirt.

Elnor dropped to his knees beside her and lifted her upper body into a sitting position. “Soji… Soji?”

The world seemed to stop as he realized that she wasn't breathing.

He tried to feel her neck for a pulse, but there was nothing there.

Soji was dead.

Elnor’s next few breaths came as trembling ones. “No… no, please… Soji, please don't do this…”

Despite what his senses were telling him, a desperate denial started running through Elnor's head. This couldn't be happening.

“Oh, I assure you, this is all very real.”

Startled, Elnor looked up at the sound of a voice directly in front of him. He found himself face-to-face with a Human man with white hair who looked to be in his seventies.

“You didn't think I forgot about you, did you?” the man said.

“What? Who… who are…?” Elnor was finding it harder and harder to breathe. Soji was dead. Soji was dead and she had died right in front of him and he had failed to protect her from the Zhat Vash like he had sworn to Picard two years ago and god damn it he should have never let his guard down.

“I know we haven't met in person, but still, how rude!” the man said, “You said you knew me from Jean-Luc’s biography, yet you don't recognize me when I'm standing right in front of you?”

Through the haze that was swallowing all of Elnor’s rational thoughts, a single memory surfaced: Picard, Seven, Raffi, and himself, all standing in a circle in a courtyard, discussing the nightmarish alternate reality they had found themselves in. 

It was then that with a growing sense of horror Elnor realized who was standing in front of him. “Q?”

“In the flesh.”

“No, you're… you're dead. You used the last of your power to bring me back to life. Raffi told me so. You're dead.”

“Leave it to the Qowat Milat to have such a rigid way of thinking. Do I look dead to you?”

If Q wanted Elnor to answer, he was out of luck, because anything Elnor tried to say came out as a broken, wordless sob. He couldn't take his eyes off Soji, her motionless body, her red blood coating his hands, her skin slowly growing paler as pallor mortis set in…

“You’ve had quite a few brushes with death recently,” Q continued, not caring that Elnor was crying over Soji’s corpse while he spoke. “You can thank me for seeing to it that none of those close calls actually stuck. Reviving you after you died in the Confederation timeline, getting you off the Excelsior…”

That shocked Elnor enough for him to find his voice, if only for just a single word. “Wh-What?”

“My gift wouldn't have been much of a gift if you went off and died four months later, now would it? So I pulled a few strings to get you off that voyage of the damned.”

When Elnor had been transferred away from the Excelsior, he couldn't help but wonder if he had done something wrong. He had resolved to do better on his next assignment, to avoid whatever mistake had disappointed Captain Benbassat.

Then, after Frontier Day, after the Borg’s hold on him had been broken and after he learned that the Excelsior had been destroyed, he felt like he had once again cheated death. To learn that getting him off the Excelsior had been Q’s doing all along…

“All that leading up to this moment,” Q said. “Tell me, how much do you value your own life? Other people's lives? Picard might be through with his trial by fire, but yours? Yours is only just beginning.”

“Mine?”

Had Q manipulated recent events to get Soji killed for the sake of testing him? Did he care that little for her? She had been a person too, with feelings and friends who cared about her and a future that would now never come to pass, not a tool to be used and then discarded without a second thought.

Elnor’s overwhelming grief turned to blinding rage. Despite knowing that Q’s humanoid appearance was merely a form taken for the comfort of the mortals he dealt with, Elnor now wanted nothing more than to sever his head from his body.

“Don't blame me. Blame the Zhat Vash,” Q said when he saw the fire burning in Elnor’s eyes. “After all, they're technically the ones who killed your friend.”

“Technically? Soji is dead because of you and you want me to let it go on a technicality!?”

“Oh, don't be so dramatic. She'll be fine. Now wake up, little Romulan.”

Q snapped his fingers, and Elnor awoke with a start from his nightmare. His eyes snapped open and he involuntarily drew in a panicked gasp, but it felt like he couldn't get the air to fill his lungs all the way.

Panting, he sat up and looked around. He was in bed, in the small quarters of the shuttle taking him to Vashti. There was a pounding in his head, a ringing in his ears, and dried tracks running down his face from tears he had shed in his sleep.

Elnor's quickened breathing slowed as he realized with relief that it had only been a bad dream.

“Computer?” he said.

The computer chirped to indicate that it was listening.

“What time is it?”

“It is currently 2359 hours,” the computer responded.

Elnor rubbed his eyes with a groan. He wasn't normally one to experience nightmares, which made this one all the more jarring to him. Was he really that nervous about seeing Soji again? What was the worst that could happen? (Apparently her violent death before his eyes, if his subconscious was to be believed.)

Shaking off the last of his panic, he rose from his bed and exited the shuttle’s cramped quarters. Judging by the sight on the viewscreen, the autopilot had taken him to his destination while he was asleep and was now in a stable orbit around the planet he had been raised on.

The view nearly took his breath away. Elnor had forgotten how beautiful Vashti looked from orbit.

Chapter Text

Elnor returned to sleep soon after waking up. His sleep this time was undisturbed, which was a relief to him after suffering from the vision of Soji’s death.

He was slightly tired when he awoke in the morning, but that didn't bother him. All things considered, he was excited to see Soji again. The brief wait for a transport window to open in the planetary defense system felt much longer than it actually was because of it.

As Elnor beamed down to Vashti’s surface and made the short walk to the spot where Soji said she would be waiting for him, he couldn't help but think about what he would say to her after all this time. When Soji spotted him, she smiled.

“Elnor!” she greeted him enthusiastically, running up to him with a bounce in her step, “It’s been forever!”

For a moment Elnor was tempted to correct her on how long it had actually been, but he just as quickly stopped himself. A figure of speech, he realized. He was getting better at spotting those.

“How have you been?” Soji asked him.

“I've been…” Elnor paused. Everything he planned to say to her suddenly vanished from his mind.

Hadn't he been through this once before? In his dream the previous night, Soji had asked him the same thing. Although he supposed that being asked “how have you been?” was a common enough thing for it to be incorporated into his dream.

“You cut your hair,” Soji observed, suddenly changing the subject.

Elnor reached up to twist a lock of his much shorter hair between his fingers. “It was to help me fit in at Starfleet Academy,” he said.

“I hope they didn't treat you too badly over there. I know some people still have… reservations about the Romulans.”

“Nothing I couldn't handle,” Elnor said.

“But you felt the need to cut your hair to fit in?”

Again Elnor paused. He had been through this once before. It would have been natural for Soji to bring up his haircut, considering the last time she had seen him, his hair had nearly reached his waist whereas it now only reached his shoulders, but the conversation was lining up so perfectly with his dream. Something wasn't right.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…” Soji began, thinking she had somehow upset him.

“No, it's not what you said. It's…” he trailed off. “This may sound like an odd question, but did you happen to bring a gift for me?”

“As a matter of fact, I did,” she said. She reached into her bag and started rummaging around in it before pulling out a box wrapped in blue paper with a tag attached that read “for Elnor” in her distinctive handwriting.

“Think of it as a late birthday gift, late graduation gift, late Christmas gift… well, you don't celebrate Christmas, but you get the idea,” she said.

When Elnor took the box and opened it, he found a book inside. The cover depicted a cloaked figure walking through a sandy desert: Dune by Frank Herbert.

“Dune?” Elnor said. “Somehow I had a feeling you'd get this for me.”

“Have you already read it? Because I can exchange it for a different book if you have,” Soji said.

“No, I haven't already read it. It's just… would you believe me if I told you I had a nightmare about this last night?”

“A nightmare? Wow, I didn't think my taste in literature was that bad.”

“No, that's not what I—”

“I'm messing with you,” Soji cut him off. “Did you want to talk about this nightmare of yours?”

“Oh. Well, it wasn't a nightmare at first. It was a standard dream. Pleasant, even,” Elnor said. “We were walking through town together. You gave me this book, and I bought some fruit for us to eat… but then we were attacked. I didn't react fast enough. You… you were seriously hurt.”

“Did I die?” Soji asked, perceptive enough to realize what the phrase “seriously hurt” probably meant.

“Yes,” Elnor answered, his voice trembling slightly. Even though he knew it had only been a nightmare, it was still painful to recall.

“Sounds scary,” Soji said. “But I'm okay. You don't have to worry about me.”

“It’s not just that. When we started talking, the conversation went exactly as I dreamed it. It fills me with a sense of… unease.”

“I guess you know me really well,” Soji joked. At Elnor's hurt look, she softened. “How can I help you feel better?” she asked genuinely.

“I… I’m not sure. I believe I'm being irrational.”

“It’s not irrational to worry about your friends.”

“But it is to do so simply because of a dream I had.”

“Hm… I've got an idea,” Soji said. “If you're really so worried about things going the way you dreamed them, then I'll let you decide what we'll do today. That way you can guide us away from whatever it is you're worried about happening. Deal?”

“Deal.”

“Good. Now, where to first?”

“There's a river nearby,” Elnor suggested instead of the marketplace, as he had done in his dream. “Sometimes I like to go there and enjoy the silence.”

“Sounds nice,” Soji said. “Lead the way.”

Elnor nodded, then led her in the opposite direction of the road into town. The spot Elnor spoke of was nestled in the middle of a small wooded area that nobody had taken much interest in besides him and the wildlife.

When they reached the edge of the woods, Elnor ducked under a low-hanging branch to enter, but when he looked behind him, Soji hadn't followed.

“Are you coming?” Elnor asked.

“Into the trees?” Soji said.

“Yes. There are a few thorny plants, so be careful not to get your clothes stuck on them.”

Soji hesitated for the briefest of moments, then followed Elnor in. She was much more cautious with her step then Elnor was, because she wasn't familiar with the path. Elnor would have taken her hand and led her through, but Soji insisted she was fine.

Elnor took her word for it and allowed her to continue slowly following him instead of being led more efficiently.

After a short while they drew close to the river. Just past this tree, and…

“Here we are,” Elnor said.

The vegetation thinned in this area. A rushing stream weaved through the small clearing it created, its banks lined with pebbles and wildflowers.

The sunlight filtered through the leaves above them, creating a dappled pattern of shadow and light that danced along the ground and above the water.

“Wow, it’s beautiful,” Soji said. She approached the edge of the river, knelt down, and let the tips of her fingers skim the surface of the water. “Ooh, it's cold.”

“Sometimes, when I was younger and I was upset, I would run away and come here,” Elnor said, kneeling down beside her. “It helped ground me.”

The only sounds were the gentle rustling of leaves in the breeze and the soft bubbling of the river. All too suddenly Elnor was struck with a sense of nostalgia.

Not many people knew about his “secret” hiding spot, simply because not many people had a reason to go walking through the woods. Occasionally a sister of the Qowat Milat would patrol the river, which was how Elnor was found most often when he ran away to be alone. The nun would ask what he was doing in such an isolated place, then instruct him to return home. Begrudgingly Elnor would obey, always making it home before sundown.

“I can see why,” Soji said. “It does have a sort of calming aura to it.”

Elnor pulled out the book Soji had given him and flipped to the first page. The stiff spine crackled under his touch as the book opened for the first time.

No, not the first time, evidently, as there were words handwritten on the inside cover:

“To my Paul Atreides, to my male Bene Gesserit. From your favorite synthetic diplomat.”

“What is a… Bene Gesserit?” Elnor asked, hoping he was pronouncing the unfamiliar words correctly.

“Read the book and you'll find out,” Soji said.

Elnor flipped to the first page.

“A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that the balances are correct. This every sister of the Bene Gesserit knows. To begin your study of the life of Muad’Dib, then, take care that you first place him in his time: born in the 57th year of the Padishah Emperor, Shaddah IV. And take the most special care that you locate Muad’Dib in his place: the planet Arrakis. Do not be deceived by the fact that he was born on Caladan and lived his first fifteen years there. Arrakis, the planet known as Dune, is forever his place.”

“Tell me about your trip so far,” said Elnor as he read.

“It's been nice,” Soji said. “Stressful at times, definitely, but still nice. I've never been to so many different places before. Coridan, M’Talas Prime, Raritan IV… I got to go to Risa, can you believe it?”

“I've heard nice things about Risa.”

“It's a beautiful planet. Although I didn't expect the culture to be so… hm, how do I put this delicately… sensual.”

“Sensual?”

“They're really open about sexuality. It honestly took me by surprise. Jurati, too. She had to reject so many advances.”

Suddenly they both fell quiet. Oh, Jurati…

“I'm sorry I couldn't make it to your graduation from Starfleet Academy,” Soji said in a softer tone of voice. “We were on Raritan IV when… all that happened.”

“I understand,” Elnor said. “Your work is important.”

“But you’re important, too. I could’ve taken a break to be there for you. And maybe if I had been there, then…” she trailed off.

“Then…?” Elnor prompted.

“No, forget it. It's just silly wishful thinking.” She picked up a small pebble from the bank and threw it so it skipped across the water. “And besides, I can't change anything now. What's done is done,” she said. “What is it the Qowat Milat say? Sem n’hak kon?”

Elnor suppressed an involuntary shiver. “Yes, that's right.”

“Sem n’hak kon, then.” And although Soji shrugged nonchalantly, Elnor could tell that she was hiding a great depth of sadness beneath it. “I'd rather exist in this moment then dwell on the past.”

She tried to skip another pebble across the river, but this one sank without skipping a single time. “Dang!”

Elnor put his book aside and picked up a small rock near him, then skipped it across the water as Soji watched. A smile grew on Elnor’s face when it bounced all the way to the opposite bank.

“I didn't know you knew how to skip rocks,” Soji said.

“Picard taught me when I was a child. I wasn't sure if I still remembered how to do it properly.”

“Not sure if you remembered how? You did it better than I did!” She searched around her for a moment, then picked up two pebbles and handed one to Elnor. “Let's skip them at the same time and see which one goes farther. On three. Ready?”

Elnor nodded.

“One, two, three!”

On sync they tossed their rocks at the water. Again Elnor's skipped all the way to the opposite bank, while Soji's just barely fell short.

“Guess Picard was a good teacher,” Soji said.

“It comes easier to me because I learned how to do it on Vashti. A slight change in gravity makes a big difference.”

“You know, you never really told me about your childhood on Vashti. The only thing I remember is that you really wanted to see a cat.”

“That’s right.”

“I saw a cat while I was waiting for you. I wanted to point it out to you, but it ran away before you got here.”

Elnor tensed slightly. That, too, had been part of his dream.

“What? What's wrong?” Soji said.

“Did the cat have black fur?” Elnor asked.

“Yeah, it did. How did you know?”

“In my nightmare, you pointed out a black cat to me. That's when we were attacked.”

“What? Really?”

Elnor nodded.

“That's spooky,” Soji said. After a pause, “You don't think your nightmare was prophetic, do you?”

“Prophetic?” Had Q given Elnor a prophetic dream? It was a possibility, but one that frightened him. “I don't believe in prophecy.”

“Stranger things have happened,” Soji said. “Heck, my dreams were part of what made me figure out I was a synthetic.”

“But… if it really was prophetic, then that means you'll die. That I'll fail in my duty to protect you.”

“Not necessarily. We've subverted a prophecy once before. The Zhat Vash thought I was Seb-Cheneb, remember?”

“Of course I remember.”

“Then you should know that prophecies don't mean anything! The future is never set in stone.”

Elnor nodded.

“The look on your face says that you don't believe me,” Soji said.

“What?” Elnor hadn't noticed that he even had a “look” on his face.

“For someone who claims to not believe in prophecy, you look like you've already given yourself up to it,” she said.

“No, that's not it. I'm just… worried.”

“Okay, tell me about your nightmare. How does it start?”

“Well… I met up with you at the same spot we did today. We made small talk for a while, then you gave me this copy of Dune and told me that the main character reminded you of me.”

As Elnor narrated his dream, Soji nodded along and occasionally said something like “mhm” to indicate she was listening.

Elnor told her about how he took her to the marketplace, how he confessed to taking a man’s life for Picard, how she pointed out a black cat to him, how suddenly they were attacked… how he couldn't protect her.

How he realized she wasn't breathing. How he tried to search for a pulse but couldn't find one. How he begged her lifeless body not to do this to him. How he—

“Hey, look at me,” Soji said gently, taking Elnor’s hands in her own. He hadn't noticed that he had started to tremble as he spoke. “I'm okay.”

“You're okay,” Elnor repeated under his breath.

Soji softly squeezed his hands as a reassurance, then let go. “So what else happened in your dream?”

“Q appeared to me.”

“Q? Like the ‘judge of humanity’ Q? The one that used to test Picard and his crew on the Enterprise?”

“Yes. I didn't recognize him at first, because we've never met, so he scolded me for being ‘rude’. Then he told me that he was going to test me somehow, and I woke up after that.”

“But… Q is dead, isn't he?”

“That's what I thought, too. But he told me my way of thinking was ‘rigid’ and rhetorically asked me if he looked dead.”

“Do you think it was the real Q? He does exist outside of time, after all.”

“But what would Q want with me?”

Soji thought for a moment. “Could he be testing Romulankind next?”

“No, I don't think so. I'm not exactly a prime example of a member of Romulan society.”

“True,” Soji agreed. “Is it something to do with you specifically, then?”

“Maybe. He said something about Picard’s trial being over, but mine just beginning.”

“Maybe he chose you because Picard treats you like a son.”

“But Picard has a son. A real son.”

“A biological son,” Soji corrected. “Just because you're not related to him by blood doesn't mean you're not a son to him. Have you heard the way he talks to you?”

“Of course I have, but—”

“And the way he touches your face sometimes? I've never seen him do that with anyone else. You mean so much to him, Elnor.”

But clearly not enough.

Soji softly put a hand on Elnor’s shoulder. “You okay?” she asked.

“Yes, I'm fine. Just…” Elnor shook his head as if trying to clear the unwelcome thought from it. “I'm fine.”

Soji eyed him with a mix of suspicion and concern, but said nothing. Eventually Elnor picked up his book again and continued to read. Something about a young prince feigning sleep to eavesdrop on a conversation between his mother and an old woman with glittering eyes.

“I'm worried about you,” Soji said after a lengthy bit of silence between them.

“What? Why?”

“A lot has happened since I've seen you last. And… I don't know, I guess I’m just concerned about how you're handling it.”

“I told you I'm fine.”

Soji studied his face for a moment. “Well, you're not intentionally deceiving me.”

“Why would I intentionally deceive you?”

“You'd be surprised.”

Again there was a bit of silence.

“Are you sure you're worried about me?” Elnor asked, “Or are you more worried about your own feelings?”

Soji seemed almost offended at the suggestion. “Excuse me? Are you accusing me of... projecting?”

“I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm simply pointing out how contradictory it is for you to be worried about me when you went through much of the same.”

Soji scoffed at that. “Sorry, but I'm not the one who died.”

As soon as the words left her mouth, she looked horrified at herself for saying them. “Crap, Elnor, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have—”

Elnor adjusted the way he was sitting so he moved almost imperceptibly away from her. Soji noticed.

“I'm sorry,” she said again.

“I know you didn't mean to offend,” Elnor said. “But please… don't bring that up again. It was eight months ago. I'm fine now.”

Soji nodded and didn't say anything more. Elnor turned his attention back to the book she had given him.

For several minutes Soji sat beside him silently, awkwardly. Suddenly she spoke up again.

“Is that… smoke?”

Elnor looked up from his book and followed her concerned gaze. Indeed, a pillar of thick black smoke was rising into the air, far too much to be from a controlled fire.

Instantly his Qowat Milat mindset kicked in and he rose to his feet. “Someone could need help. I’m going.”

Even before waiting for a response from Soji, Elnor was turning and running back. Soji followed behind him, and she was faster on the return trip. She had probably memorized the path through the woods as Elnor led her through the first time. He knew that she could probably outrun him if she wanted to, but was keeping behind him on purpose.

As they broke through the trees into the direct sunlight, Elnor saw that a few people on the outskirts of town were also looking up at the column of smoke, but moreso out of curiosity than concern. They probably thought they were too far away to have to worry about it. They seemed more worried about the boy running directly for the fire and the girl close behind him.

Something wasn’t right, Elnor realized as he recognized where he was running to. The smoke was coming from the same direction as…

Elnor’s heart dropped as he got close enough to see exactly what it was that was on fire.

The house he grew up in was in flames.

A concerned crowd had gathered to watch from a safe distance, murmuring amongst themselves. Elnor pushed past them to the very front, not caring about seeming rude. Soji was right behind him, though she had the decency to apologize to them in their language as she slid past.

“Is there anyone still inside?” Elnor asked a bystander in his native Romulan.

“I don't know, but—”

Even before they were finished speaking, Elnor was throwing caution to the wind and running inside.

“What the— Elnor, where are you going!?” Soji called after him in Federation Standard. He could tell by the sound of footsteps close behind that she was giving chase. “Come back!”

The heat and smoke inside the burning house were oppressive. He could barely breathe, could barely see. The air was bathed in a hellish sunset-colored glow and shimmering from the heat. Immediately Elnor became disoriented, but he refused to give in to panic.

“Please, it's not safe! You're going to get hurt!” Soji said. He could barely hear her over the roaring flames.

Elnor ignored her. Methodically he checked one room at a time, searching for anyone who needed help or for the source of the flames, all the while feeling the rain of embers stinging his bare skin wherever they touched him.

“Elnor!”

Soji reached out and grabbed him.

Elnor had never felt the full extent of Soji’s superhuman strength before. Normally she was very gentle when touching other people to avoid accidentally hurting them, but now her hand was clamped firmly around his arm like a vise.

“Come on, we need to get out of here!” she said.

Elnor tried to pull away, but it was no use. “Let me go! This is my home!”

But Soji ignored his pleas and started pulling him in the direction of the exit. Again Elnor tried to break free, but his strength was nothing compared to hers.

The rational part of his mind was telling him that Soji was right, that he should stop struggling against her, that he was going to get hurt if he stayed here much longer, that his home was too far gone and that even if the house did survive the inferno, it wouldn't be the house he grew up in anymore.

But the emotional part of him was screaming.

Before he could stop to think about what he was doing, Elnor drew his sword and leveled it at her. Soji turned around at the sound of the blade being removed from its scabbard, and the sight of it being pointed at her was enough to startle her into stopping in her tracks.

“Let me go, Soji,” Elnor said, but his actions shocked himself as much as they did her. What in the world was he doing?

Soji looked down at the sword pointed at her, then back up at Elnor. “You wouldn't,” she said.

Elnor tried to will himself into doubling down on his bluff, but found that he couldn't. “Please,” was all he said instead.

Suddenly there was a deafening crackling sound from directly above them. Soji glanced up, then shoved Elnor away.

Her shriek of agony tore through the air as the ceiling caved in and a splintered half of a burning support beam fell and impaled her.

Elnor gasped in horror, though it only served to fill his lungs with smoke and cause him to break down in a coughing fit. His stinging eyes filled with tears, though not from the smoke. How he wished it was only from the smoke.

Soji collapsed and then lay completely unmoving, even as the flames approached her and licked away at her skin. Not caring for his own safety, Elnor tried to rush to her side, but the heat forced him back.

He wanted to scream. His impulsive recklessness had gotten Soji killed. If he hadn't run into the burning house, she wouldn't have chased him inside. If she hadn't chased him inside, she wouldn't have found herself under a caving-in ceiling.

No… no, this had to be another nightmare. Please let it be another nightmare.

“You think you're dreaming? You mortals come up with the queerest explanations for situations you don't like.”

Elnor looked up, and there was Q, standing beside him, completely unfazed by the fire consuming everything around them.

“Your friend was right. You really should get out of here,” Q said, as though the flames were a mere inconvenience. “Not to worry. I have just the solution for that.”

Elnor looked back at Soji. Through his tears and through the smoke and heat haze, he thought he saw a faint smile on her face.

Q snapped his fingers, and Elnor awoke with a start from his nightmare. His eyes snapped open and he involuntarily drew in a panicked gasp, but it felt like he couldn't get the air to fill his lungs all the way.

Panting, he sat up and looked around. He was in bed, in the small quarters of the shuttle taking him to Vashti. There was a pounding in his head, a ringing in his ears, and dried tracks running down his face from tears he had shed in his sleep.

“Computer?” he said.

The computer chirped to indicate that it was listening.

“What time is it?”

“It is currently 2359 hours,” the computer responded.

The first time Q forced him to wake up like this, Elnor was filled with a sense of relief as he realized the preceding experience had only been a bad dream. This time, he was filled with a sense of dread as he realized it had been anything but.

Elnor threw off his blankets and ran to the computer in his quarters. Frantically he opened comm frequencies and sent a hail to Earth. If there was anyone who could help him deal with Q, he was at his château in France.

“Please respond, Picard…” Elnor said in a whisper. “Please, please, please…”

A tension in his chest was released as Admiral Picard's tired face appeared on the computer screen. Elnor hadn't realized he had been holding his breath.

“Elnor?” Picard said. “What are you doing, calling at this hour?”

Right, it must have been nearly two in the morning in France.

“Admiral, I need to speak with you very urgently,” Elnor said. “It’s Q, sir, he—”

Before Elnor could finish his sentence, the monitor suddenly shut off. “Naughty mortal,” came Q’s chiding voice from behind him, “Didn't anyone ever teach you that cheating on tests was wrong?”

Elnor whirled around, lunged for Q, and slammed him to the ground with his hands around the immortal being’s throat.

“Feisty,” Q said, not at all concerned by this new development. “I assume Raffi’s been rubbing off on you?”

“Raffi? What do you know about Raffi?”

“More than you think.” Suddenly Q vanished and reappeared behind Elnor. “I know she was quite upset by your death. She tried pulling that same trick on me, thinking I was the one who killed you.”

Elnor involuntarily shivered slightly at the memory of his life slipping away. It hurt. It hurt more than anything else in the galaxy.

“What do you want from me?” Elnor questioned him. “Why are you doing this?”

“I can't just tell you the answer to the test, now can I?” Q said. “You have to figure it out yourself.”

And before Elnor could say anything else, Q disappeared in a burst of white light.

A frustrated yell escaped Elnor's throat, the sound echoing around the small empty shuttle. How many times would he be forced to relive the same day over and over? Would Soji always die at the end? He might lose his mind if he had to watch her die again.

But he wouldn't. He wouldn't watch her die again.

No matter what, Elnor was determined to keep Soji safe. He had pledged his blade to defend her once, and he would gladly do it again.

Chapter Text

It wouldn't be entirely accurate to claim that Elnor couldn't sleep. He hadn't even tried. How could he, after realizing the situation Q had placed him in?

He figured that if he was going to stay awake, he might as well eat, but he had no appetite. He put the food back into the replicator after a few minutes of poking it around with a fork.

So he drew his sword and practiced. It was a habit of his to practice his swordsmanship for at the very least an hour each day, to the point where the motley crew of La Sirena, and later the crew of the Excelsior, knew not to bother him when his blade was drawn.

Simple exercises, reinforcing the basics. First was his footwork, advances and retreats and lunges and passes. Then was his bladework, practicing cuts and thrusts, moving his sword through the air against an imaginary opponent. One hour of practice became two, three, four… at first it was calming, gave him a sense of control back, but it soon became compulsive. If he kept his skills and his blade sharp, maybe he would be able to protect Soji this time.

When the fifth hour of practice passed, Elnor finally stopped and rested. He was exhausted.

It was only 0500 hours. He wasn't supposed to meet Soji down on Vashti for another four hours. He supposed he could beam down now, but then what? Wait in the dark for the suns to rise and for Soji to arrive?

But he couldn't do anything in his shuttle, either. Either way, he could only wait. It was torturous.

0530 hours: He tried again to eat. This time he was able to eat a small amount of food, but not much. Still, a small amount was better than nothing.

0600 hours: The alarm he set the previous night to wake him up went off. He hadn't canceled it when he decided to stay awake.

0630 hours: The thought crossed his mind that he could simply not beam down to Vashti when the time came. He just as quickly dismissed it; what good would that do anyone?

0700 hours: With nothing else to do, he watched the thirty-minute clock between each transport window tick down. The window opened for sixty seconds then closed for another half-hour. It repeated once, twice…

Then it was the final thirty-minute wait before Soji would be expecting him. Suddenly each minute seemed to stretch into an hour long. This time it was not out of excitement, but rather out of apprehension. Elnor needed to get to Soji. He needed to keep any harm from befalling her. A second spent waiting was a second wasted.

The moment the minute-long window opened, Elnor beamed down and ran to to the spot where Soji said she would be waiting for him. When Soji spotted him, she smiled, blissfully unaware of the danger she was in. She tried to greet him, but could barely get out his name before Elnor leapt into a panicked explanation.

“Soji, I know that what I'm about to say is going to sound crazy but I need you to believe me. Q has trapped me in a temporal loop for some kind of test and I’ve relived today two times already, both of which ended with you dying. I have reason to believe that if we go into town, we’re going to be attacked.”

“Woah. Elnor, slow down,” she told him, but Elnor didn't listen and instead kept going at the same speed.

“You have a copy of Dune by Frank Herbert in your bag that you were planning to give to me as a gift and you saw a black cat that you wanted to point out to me but it ran away before I got here. I want to keep you safe but like I said you need to believe me. Please, Soji.”

Soji blinked in shock, taking a moment or two to process all the info she was given. “Okay, okay, I believe you,” she said gently after a few seconds of silence. “You wouldn't lie to me, especially not about something like that. And you were right about the cat and the copy of Dune.”

She reached into her bag and started rummaging around in it before pulling out a box wrapped in blue paper with a tag attached that read “for Elnor” in her distinctive handwriting. “Well, I guess it's not really a surprise anymore,” she said.

Elnor took the box but didn't open it. After all, he already knew what was inside.

“Um… you said I died?” Soji asked.

“Twice.”

She was quiet for a moment. “I'm trying to figure out whether or not I want to ask how it happened,” she said eventually.

“You were shot by a disruptor the first time. The second time you were impaled by falling debris.”

Soji shuddered. “That sounds… painful.”

Elnor didn't disagree. The memory of her agonized screams was haunting.

“And you said this was Q’s doing?” she said. “I thought Q was dead.”

“So did I.”

“So… what's the plan here? You said he was testing you for something, right? Do you know what he wants from you?”

“No. If I did, I'd be trying to make it happen.”

“Then what do we do?”

Elnor thought for a moment. “The Qowat Milat house I grew up in is within walking distance,” he said. “I’m going to take you there.”

“Will they know what to do?”

“Most likely not, but we need whatever help we can get.”

“Okay. Alright, lead the way.”

Elnor didn't want to take his eyes off Soji, didn't want to have her walk behind him. If she was out of his sight, what was stopping her from being hurt while his back was turned? But at the same time, she couldn't walk in front of him, because she didn't know the way to the monastery and needed to follow him there.

He reconciled these two truths by taking her hand and holding it the entire way there. Soji seemed slightly embarrassed by the “unnecessary” touch, but didn't protest.

As he guided her there, Elnor continuously scanned their surroundings for any potential threats and kept the hand that wasn’t holding Soji’s wrapped around the hilt of his sword so he could draw it at a moment's notice. Perhaps this was paranoia, but perhaps it was justifiable caution.

The walk to the monastery was uneventful, thank goodness. When they finally reached their destination, Elnor let go of Soji's hand and stepped forward, reaching for the curtains that acted as a door.

When he stepped inside, he saw Zani was currently tidying up the house, and she turned around at the gentle sound of the curtains being parted.

Elnor pressed his palms together, then spread them apart like an opening book. “Jolan tru,” he said.

Zani wordlessly returned the gesture, then stepped forward and wrapped Elnor in a hug.

“It’s good to see you again,” she said when she stepped back.

“I'm sorry. I wanted to return sooner, but…”

Zani simply shook her head. “What matters is that you're here now. How long are you staying?”

“Only a few days. I have Starfleet to return to.”

“Of course.” She looked him up and down, studying him lovingly after seeing him for the first time in two years. “Your hair…”

Suddenly Elnor felt flooded with shame. He was going to say something, going to apologize for cutting it, but Zani wasn't yet finished speaking.

“You look nice,” she said to his surprise.

“You're not upset?” Elnor asked.

“Why would I be upset? It doesn't matter what you do with your appearance, as long as you're happy.”

Happy. Right.

Soji had been keeping a small amount of distance from the two to give them their personal space, but now Elnor beckoned her closer and presented her to Zani.

“Zani, this is Soji,” Elnor introduced her. “Soji, this is Zani.”

“The twin sister,” Zani said. “It's a pleasure to finally meet you.”

“No, the pleasure is mine,” Soji said. “Elnor's told me a lot about you.”

“I hope most of it was fond.”

“All of it was.”

“That’s good to hear. I understand you're a diplomat for synthetic lifeforms now?”

“That’s what brings me to Vashti. I’ve got a dinner planned with some ambassadors later tonight. You know, I had to beg Elnor to come with me. You'd think he'd be more excited to get a chance to see home again.”

“I am excited to see home again,” Elnor protested.

“Has he shown you around town?” Zani asked Soji. “There’s a river nearby that he used to go to frequently as a child. Has he taken you there yet?

Elnor nearly answered “yes,” but Soji spoke first.

“No, he hasn't,” she said, and Elnor realized that it was the previous loop in which he had taken her to the river, not the current one. Was he beginning to lose his sense of time?

“Soji, why don't you introduce yourself to the other nuns while I talk to Zani?” Elnor said.

Soji nodded, then Elnor pulled Zani aside.

“Is something wrong?” Zani asked.

“Yes. I know it'll sound crazy, but I'm telling the truth.”

“Of course you are. What is it?”

“There's a near-omnipotent entity called Q who used to put Admiral Picard and his crew on the Enterprise through tests. He was putting humanity on trial, or so he said. We thought he died eight months ago, but two days ago he appeared to me and told me that he was testing me now. He's trapped me in a temporal loop and I've relived today twice already.”

Zani raised an eyebrow in concern and mild alarm.

“Both loops ended with Soji dying,” Elnor continued. “The first loop I didn't know what was going on. I took her into town, but we were attacked and I didn't react fast enough. They killed her.”

Don't panic. Focus on your breathing.

“The second loop I assumed the previous one had been a nightmare,” he said. “But it still made me uneasy, so I avoided town in the hopes of avoiding my ‘nightmare’ repeating itself. It worked for a few hours, but then Soji saw smoke and when we went to investigate the source… the monastery was on fire. I recklessly ran in to help, Soji followed me, and she died when the ceiling caved in on top of her. I don't know what caused the fire. I don't know if the two loops are connected. I don't know if it'll repeat. I don't know how to break the loop. All I know is that I need your help.”

“I see. I’ll do what I can,” Zani said.

“Thank you.”

Zani turned to look back at Soji, who was speaking to another one of the nuns. “Is Soji aware of your predicament?” Zani asked.

“Yes, I've already told her,” Elnor said. “But I believe she doesn't remember the loops. If she did, she'd be behaving much differently. Remembering one’s own death…”

“I see.”

When Zani went to approach Soji again, Elnor followed. Soji finished her conversation with the other nun, then turned her attention back to Elnor and Zani.

“Elnor told me about your situation,” Zani said.

“Yeah. He said we needed all the help we could get,” Soji said. “And given what he’s told me so far, I’m inclined to agree.”

Zani nodded. “Under any other circumstances, I would ask you if you'd like to stay for dinner.”

“I’d have loved to.”

“We need a plan,” Elnor said.

“Do you know what the threat is?” Zani asked. “I’m aware you were ambushed, but do you have any knowledge beyond that?”

Elnor paused. “No,” he answered sheepishly. “But the fire I told you about…”

“Do you know what caused it?”

“No,” he answered again.

“Don't be mistaken; I'm not doubting the validity of your concerns,” Zani said. “However, I'm gently pointing out the impossibility of making a plan when one has no knowledge of what they need to plan against. When you don't know what you're trying to prevent, attempting to do so will prove fruitless and in fact may only make things worse.”

Elnor nodded, though he hated this feeling of helplessness. The only way to get more information would be to allow those tragedies to happen again. Was that what was expected of him?

“So… we just carry on as normal?” Soji asked. She seemed a bit puzzled by the idea, especially given Elnor’s worry.

“Not exactly ‘as normal,’” Zani answered. “Of course, we’ll be keeping our guard up, but we're not going to catastrophize.”

Elnor wanted to protest, but he held his tongue. He had never held his tongue with Zani before.

“I was planning on going to the market today,” she said. “Perhaps you'd like to come with me?”

Soji looked to Elnor, almost as if asking for permission. He was the one living the same day over and over, after all.

Leaving the monastery unattended? What about the fire from the previous loop? (But it wouldn't be unattended; the other nuns would still be there.)

Taking Soji into town? What if she got hurt like in the first loop? (But she wasn't a damsel in distress; she wasn't a princess to be locked up in a tower for her own safety.)

Eventually Elnor nodded. Soji smiled.

“Alright,” Soji said.

Elnor hadn’t expected to go back into town so soon. Even though the environment around him seemed completely innocuous, he remained on high alert. The slightest drop in guard could cost everything.

Zani said they weren’t going to catastrophize. Was this catastrophizing? After all, he had seen first-hand the worst case scenario and believed it might repeat, whether he had valid reason to or not.

When Zani reached the stall she intended to buy from, she stepped forward to speak to the man running the stall. As she spoke with him, Elnor noticed that Soji was eyeing him from the side.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Elnor asked eventually.

“Does Zani know that…” Soji paused for a moment, then spoke in a quieter tone of voice. “That you died?”

Elnor flinched. He had asked her not to bring that up again, but since that had been in the previous loop, she likely didn't remember it. (Like he had said to Zani, if she did remember the previous loops, Elnor thought, she would be much differently than she was right now. Remembering your own death was a terrifying thing.)

“No,” Elnor said. “Ever since it happened, I've been wanting to tell her, but it didn't feel right to tell her if it wasn't face-to-face.”

“I get it. I mean, when I learned about it…” She sighed. “I know that time flowed differently for you, but fom my perspective, it hadn’t even been a whole day.”

Zani returned from her negotiation with the vendor, carrying groceries in her arms. She paused, looked from Soji to Elnor and back. “Something’s wrong,” she said, easily able to detect the tension in the air.

Soji gave Elnor a sympathetic look.

Elnor swallowed. “Zani, I have something to tell you.”

“I’m listening.”

“You recall how I told you about Q. But there’s something else about him that I didn't tell you. On my first mission for Starfleet, he put me and my friends into a corrupted alternate timeline. We tried to escape, to set things right… but I was shot. I died, Zani. And the only reason I’m still alive now is because Q used his powers to bring me back to life.”

Zani took a moment to absorb this information. “We have what we need from the market,” she said. “Let's return home and we can discuss this with the other nuns.”

“I’m sorry for keeping this from you for so long,” Elnor said.

“What matters is that you've told me now. I’m not upset with you, Elnor. Come.”

She started walking home, expecting him to follow. He did, but Soji didn't.

“Soji? Are you coming?” Elnor asked.

“I… something's wrong,” she said. Elnor turned to look at what she was looking at, and he saw a group of people approaching. He felt an instinctive shiver run down his spine. Not again.

Zani too could sense the danger, the killing intent coming from them, before Elnor even had to say anything. She put the groceries she was carrying down and the slightest change in her stance told Elnor she was preparing herself to fight.

For a moment the two groups stood at a distance from one another, staring each other down as if daring the other side to make the first move.

Elnor moved to place himself between Soji and the enemy, sword already drawn. “Stay behind me,” he told her quietly, firmly.

One of the Zhat Vash stepped forward. There was venom laced in that small movement, absolute violent hatred for the three people in front of him.

“Please, my friends…” Zani said. She reached for the hilt of her blade, but stopped herself halfway through and raised her fists instead. She was going to follow through with the traditional hand-to-hand combat expected of a fight between the Qowat Milat and the Zhat Vash, Elnor realized. “Choose to live.”

Elnor was going to warn her against it, but the fighting had already broken out. And even if he had been able to speak up in time, would Zani even listen? She was honor and tradition, through and through. Following those ancient rules might have meant more to her than her own life.

Soji stayed behind Elnor like she was asked, but the look on her face said everything: she was terrified for Elnor and Zani and felt terrible for not helping them fight off their attackers.

But Elnor would not let her get involved in the fight. If anyone wanted to touch her, they'd have to get through him first. Almost like clockwork he parried blows and delivered counterattacks to protect the one he had sworn his blade to.

Suddenly Soji gasped, very nearly screamed. Elnor turned to her in a panic, but she wasn't injured; instead, she was looking over at Zani. When Elnor followed her gaze, his blood ran cold.

The Zhat Vash member Zani was engaging in “unarmed” combat had buried a blade in her flesh. When they pulled the knife out with a violent twist, it was soaked to the hilt with blood. Zani hit the ground and didn't get up again.

The sight of it forced a cry of grief from his throat: “No!!”

Suddenly his emotions blinded him. In a daze he moved to cut down her killer, but Soji caught him and pulled him closer to her just in time for him to avoid that same knife being thrown at him. If she hadn't, it would have caught him in the neck.

“Elnor, we're outnumbered. We need to go,” she said.

Elnor wanted to fight, wanted to protest. He had taken on several outnumbered fights before and won. And he couldn't flee after what happened to Zani. But when Soji pulled him away, he just let himself be pulled.

The world was blurring around him. He had only the vaguest sensation of running from something with Soji’s hand around his wrist until he collapsed. Tears had gathered in his eyes and were starting to roll down his cheeks.

Soji lowered herself to her knees in front of him, looking him over for any wounds. “Are you okay?” she asked. “You're not hurt, are you?”

Elnor tried to force himself to speak, to get something out, but the words turned to smoke on his tongue. He could only shake his head. No, he wasn't hurt.

“Good. That's good,” Soji said.

She took a moment to catch her breath; even synths weren’t immune to becoming winded. Then she looked around.

“Elnor,” she said, “where's your sword?”

It was only now that she brought it up that Elnor realized his hands were empty. He reached for his scabbard, but that was empty as well. He must have dropped his tan qalanq when he fled the battle with Soji.

Soji swore under her breath, but very quickly composed herself again.

“Come on, we have to keep moving. They're going to be chasing after us,” she said. She stood up, but Elnor remained on his knees in despair. “Elnor?”

When Elnor didn't respond, Soji sighed and got down on one knee in front of him.

“I know I can't say anything to make things better,” she said. “And I don't want to tell you that there's a time and place for grief. But we can't stay here.”

She gently but firmly grabbed Elnor by his shoulders and pulled him onto his feet. Elnor tried to ask where she was planning on going, but no sound came from his throat. It was as if his vocal cords had been severed.

Soji nervously paced for a second before she came up with an idea. “Elnor, is the vessel you came here on still in orbit?”

Elnor silently nodded.

“Okay,” she said. “Alright. The next transport window in the planetary defense system opens in seventeen minutes. We just have to last until then and we can beam out of here. And then… we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

Thank goodness for Soii’s positronic brain being able to keep time so precisely. Seventeen minutes…

“We can't go back to North Station. We’ll be found if we go back,” she said. She took a look at the position of the suns in the sky, calculated which direction south was from that, then started walking with Elnor behind her. “To be honest, I don't know where I'm going, but anywhere is better than here.”

Elnor only followed, didn't take the lead. In truth, he didn't know where to go either.

He felt a strange prickling sensation in the back of his mind, like the two of them were being stalked, being watched, being followed. They were being followed. He was sure of it.

His suspicions were confirmed when the same enemies they had been running from suddenly blocked the path in front of them. They must have found a way to cut them off.

And one of them was holding his sword.

“Damn it, damn it, damn it…” Soji cursed. “Elnor, come on.”

She tried to grab his wrist again, but he pulled away before she could.

They couldn't run. Not again. If they ran again, the Zhat Vash would just keep chasing them and chasing them until they were cornered or exhausted or both.

Even without Elnor saying anything, Soji understood. She brushed her hand against his and stepped forward to help him fight their way out.

“Seventeen minutes,” she said.

The thing about people is that they will always choose the path of least resistance. Therefore, it's imperative to never corner them into a situation where the easiest way out goes through your throat.

Outnumbered. Outarmed. It seemed like a lost cause.

But lost causes were not excuses to give up.

Elnor no longer had his sword, so now he was forced to engage in unarmed combat like ancient tradition expected. But the moment he managed to get his hands on a weapon, any weapon, he would use it to the best of his ability. Soji’s life came before his honor, came before anything else.

Soji had already engaged a foe close to her in hand-to-hand combat. They were struggling to hold their own against her, as to be expected from fighting an android such as herself. Elnor was sure that if she ever had a reason to, she might be able to best even him in combat.

She forced her opponent to the ground with a particularly heavy blow. “Stay down!” she said.

With a crunch her opponent bit down on a capsule stored in their mouth and tried to spit a mouthful of the acid it released in Soji’s face.

She dodged just in time. The acid landed uselessly on the ground, dousing a poor plant which immediately dissolved into nothing.

They screamed in agony as the acid dissolved them too. They had chosen that fate by biting down on the acid capsule, but it didn't make it any less gruesome to witness.

Soji paused in horror for the briefest of moments, and another enemy took advantage of her hesitation to deliver a lethal strike.

She cried out in unimaginable pain as the blade of a tan qalanq forced its way through her chest, the point of it entering in her back and exiting cleanly on the other side. The sword was just as quickly drawn back, leaving Soji to collapse with a crimson hole in her chest.

It was a terrible sight. And this time Elnor didn't even have the voice to scream.

The blade that had once been pledged to defend her was the very same one to take her life. How ironic.

Elnor lunged for Soji’s killer and grabbed them by the throat. With a terrible cracking noise he poured all his strength into breaking their neck.

He took his sword back then mercilessly shoved their still-standing body to the ground. The blade was still soaked with Soji’s blood.

Rage had taken over. Blindly he slashed against his foes with reckless abandon, not caring whenever they managed to land a hit on him. Strangely he barely even felt it. Every hit on him was just an opening to land a hit on someone else.

Everything was a blur. And when the last enemy fell, Elnor stood catatonic in the center of it all. There was blood on his hands and bodies at his feet. Suddenly his injuries caught up to him and he felt the surge of pain that his raging emotions had previously blinded him to.

How many times would he be forced to go through this again? How many times would Soji—

Soji.

He turned and ran to her side. She was lying motionless on the ground, growing paler by the second. Gently he cradled her closer to himself.

She was still alive, but terribly wounded. He knew she wasn't going to survive.

Her blood, vibrant ruby in color, was spilling onto his hands, onto the ground, onto both their clothes.

Red was such a jarring color for blood, Elnor thought. Green was everywhere in nature: in the grass, the leaves, the trees, the stems of vegetation, sometimes even in the water. It only made sense that in a world where the color green was so abundant that blood would be the same.

But red? Where could you find red in nature? Perhaps the petals of a flower, but the first thing that came to Elnor’s mind was fire. A fire, tarnishing metal, the blazing heat of the suns, a dying leaf, the bright coloration of a venomous animal…

Soji sobbed in pain, her breathing labored and heavy, tears falling from her eyes. She grabbed at Elnor's sleeve, whimpered out his name.

Again Elnor tried to say something, but still his voice wouldn't obey him and the only thing that came out of his mouth was silence.

When Soji finally slipped away for the third time, Elnor could only cling to her lifeless body. Her blood was soaking his clothes and it was cold, so cold compared to his higher body temperature. Tears were falling down his face and into her hair, but no sobs came with them.

In the distance, a column of smoke and embers was rising into the air. Red.

The sound of footsteps behind him. Was one of the Zhat Vash coming to finish him off? The morbid question occured to him of what would happen should he die in this temporal loop he found himself stuck in.

“Lucky for you, you don't have to find out yet,” Q said.

He snapped his fingers, and Elnor awoke with a start from his nightmare. His eyes snapped open and he involuntarily drew in a panicked gasp, but it felt like he couldn't get the air to fill his lungs all the way.

Panting, he sat up, but didn't look around. He didn't need to look around to know where he was. He was in bed, in the small quarters of the shuttle taking him to Vashti.

There was a pounding in his head, a ringing in his ears, and dried tracks running down his face from tears he had shed in his sleep. He groaned, rubbing his temples in an attempt to ease the pain. Then suddenly, before he could stop himself, he screamed. Out of grief, out of anger, out of frustration. It left his throat aching and hoarse.

(Oh, there was his voice. Where had it been when he needed it five minutes ago?)

Elnor promised himself he wouldn't watch Soji die again. He promised himself he would protect her. But then again, promises were prisons, weren't they?

But he couldn't just leave her to die. His friend deserved better than that.

And what about Zani? He had a responsibility to her too. And now he had dragged her into this whereas before it had only been Soji.

“Computer?”

The computer chirped to indicate that it was listening.

“What time is it?” he asked, even though he was sure he already knew the answer.

“It is currently 2359 hours,” the computer responded, the same as the other two times Elnor had been forced to wake up like this.

He let out a sigh and laid back down. There was nothing he could do for Soji for another several hours.

“What's wrong?” Q asked tauntingly, suddenly appearing at the foot of his bed. “You seem tired.”

“Please get out of my quarters,” Elnor said calmly.

“What, no righteous anger this time? No burning vengeance on behalf of your friend?”

“Friends,” Elnor corrected. “Zani is dead too.”

“Was. They're both fine now. And you were the one to drag Zani into this situation. But my question still stands. You were furious before. Where did all that rage go?”

“Attacking you won't do anything for them. I’m still angry, but…” Elnor took a deep breath. “…but I'm going to control myself.”

“How admirable.”

“Don’t patronize me.”

“I'm being genuine! It truly is admirable that you're aiming to keep your head on straight through all of this.”

“I'll ask you again: why are you doing this to me? To us?”

“The Qowat Milat believe that now is the only moment,” Q said, dodging the question. “When leaving ‘now’ becomes a lost cause, if you would, that saying becomes much more literal.”

Elnor scowled. “You've got a sick sense of humor.”

“Who said this was meant to be humorous?”

And suddenly Q was gone again.

Elnor continued to lie motionless in bed for a few moments before getting up and making his way over to the computer. He wasn't quite sure what he was doing until Raffi answered the transmission.

“Hi, Elnor,” she said. “You're up late.”

“So are you.”

“Well, you know…” She held up the PADD she was working on. “Work never ends.”

“Right.”

“But why are you up so late? You’re on vacation, aren't you? You shouldn't have any work to do.”

“I…” Elnor swallowed back the words he was going to say. If he brought up Q, would Q simply interrupt the transmission as he had done in the previous loop with Picard? Elnor considered himself lucky that Q had even let him get this far in his call with Raffi.

Raffi put her PADD aside and gave Elnor her undivided attention. “Is something wrong?” she asked.

Elnor hesitated for a moment as he decided on what he wanted to say. “Do you remember when you were repairing La Sirena for Seven and trying to give me a lesson on deflector shield maintenance?” he asked. It wasn't a genuine question; he knew she did.

“Yes.”

“And I said I wanted to go back to Vashti and repay my debt to the Qowat Milat, but you told me that Vashti wasn't ‘me’ anymore.”

Raffi’s expression softened. There was a look of guilt behind her eyes. “I’m sorry. It was wrong of me to say that.” She had already apologized for it when she spoke to Elnor for the first time after his death aboard the alternate La Sirena, but this apology was just as genuine as the first one.

“I've been thinking…” Elnor said, “what if you were right?”

That caught Raffi off-guard. “No, Elnor, I wasn't. I wasn't right. You grew up on Vashti. It'll always be you, at least a little bit.”

Elnor nodded but didn't say anything. Raffi could tell he didn't believe her.

“Where is this coming from all of a sudden?” she asked. Then she realized. “Oh, you were supposed to visit Vashti with Soji soon, weren't you?”

“I’m in orbit over Vashti right now. I’ll be beaming down to meet her in the morning.”

“Elnor, you know I only said that about you and Vashti because I was afraid, right? It had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me.”

A brief moment of silence.

“Can I ask you something else?” Elnor said.

“Of course. You can always ask me anything.”

“When I died in that alternate timeline, how far would you have gone to bring me back?”

Raffi flinched slightly, as if his words had physically hurt her. “Oh, honey…” she said softly. “I would have done anything.”

Elnor nodded solemnly. He wanted to be like that for Soji, someone who would do anything to save her.

“But why are you asking me all this?” Raffi said. “Did something happen?”

Elnor was quiet.

“Elnor?”

“Raffi, I… I don't know if I'll make it through this.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“I’m sorry. I don't know why I called. You can't even do anything about it.”

“I can do a lot more than you think.”

“No, not with this. Not with this.”

“Try me.”

“No, no… If I tell you, I'm afraid he’ll…”

“Who? Who will do what?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Elnor, honey, talk to me. What's going on?”

“No, no, no…”

Raffi turned her head and raised her voice to call to someone offscreen. “Seven, it's Elnor.”

No, don't bring Seven into this.

Seven appeared onscreen beside Raffi, the same expression of concern on her face.

“What's going on?” she whispered to Raffi.

“I don't know, he won't tell me,” Raffi whispered back.

Seven turned her attention to Elnor. “Hey, kid,” she said. “What's the problem?”

“No, I shouldn't have… I'm sorry. I didn't want to worry you, I just…”

In a panic he cut the transmission. The last thing he saw was Seven and Raffi’s expressions growing even more worried than before.

Almost immediately the computer screen lit up again: Incoming transmission from Commander Raffaela Musiker.

Elnor’s trembling hand hovered over the button to answer the hail for several seconds before he pulled back. He didn't answer, nor did he reject it. He just let the computer continue to notify him that he had an incoming transmission, as if he simply hadn’t noticed yet.

Raffi’s hails continued for nearly half an hour straight before they slowed, then finally stopped entirely.

Elnor felt terrible. How could he do that to her? To Seven? To worry them so much, to suddenly cut off the transmission without giving them any answers, to ignore their attempts to get in touch with him again?

Where had his candor gone?