Archive of Our Own ^beta

Watching Eddie drive away shattered him in a way he wasn’t ready for. Even if he looked back at Buck, he looked and he smiled and it’s what he had to hold onto. Because as crazy as it sounds, and it does sound crazy. Abby hadn’t looked back at him, there was no reassurance in her return. But Eddie did, he gave that gift to Buck and that’s what he has to hold onto. 

But it doesn’t make it any easier. 

It doesn’t take the tightness in his chest away as he stands in the middle of the road, staying there until he can’t see Eddie's truck anymore. A truck he’s driven more times than he can count. Knows the feeling of the steering wheel beneath his fingers. 

But it’s the person driving that breaks him. Driving away from Buck, and it’s an immediate irrational thought. One that he doesn’t want to have. The idea of Eddie leaving him behind. Something that isn’t true, he’s not leaving Buck, he’s going to Chris. The most important person in their lives. 

Buck just wishes he could get in his jeep and follow. 

He wishes Eddie would stop and tell him to get in the truck. He’d sit in the passenger seat without complaint for the entire time, he’d drive if Eddie got tired. 

But instead he’s walking into an empty, quiet house that’s now in his name instead of Eddies. His fingers itch already with the need to do something, anything with them. They’re tapping against the air, twitchy movement and his face scrunches, lip sucked into his mouth to hold the noise that no one but him will hear anyways. 

Buck has to breathe, he needs— he needs to unpack. All of his things sit in boxes where Eddie's stuff used to be. The couch sits lonely in the middle of the room. It’s just him and this damn couch, and in another room it’s a bed he has to move, has to take down because he cannot sleep in it, knows already he’ll barely be able to look at it. 

He still steels himself, takes a deep breath and gets started, spending the next several hours unpacking everything he brought here. It keeps his hands busy, and in a stroke of good luck, it also keeps his mind busy. Focusing on organizing and putting his furniture back together. 

And if he cries in the kitchen no one is there to see it. Stacking everything in replacement to Eddies. The heartbreak of the fact that he’s going to be using his own things now, not Eddies. And will only be cooking for himself and no one else. No one to share one of the things he loves most, with the people he loves most. 

Because fuck, does he love them.

Buck misses them so much. It’s not the same over the phone, and he knows it’s not. But he’ll take it. He’ll take his weekly calls with Chris, and hopes to the ends of the universe that Eddie actually does call him when he gets settled. 

He doesn’t know what he’d do if he didn’t hear from either of them ever again. Because they’re his family, his family that’s now 800 miles away from him and he has to consciously loosen the grip he has on the pan in his hands, not wanting to strain himself in that pain. 

It’s still hard, the entire night is hard and it’s no wonder he leaves. He leaves and goes to Maddie’s before he does something stupid like start baking again. He refuses to start baking, because the last time it was for his ex, and Eddie is not an ex. 

But the ache is there. It’s deep in his chest, as if it’s melting into his bones, seeping and sticky. 

It only gets worse when he goes to the bar with Ravi and the other man leaves him with Tommy. They’re sitting there and Buck is a little drunk, not enough to forget where he is, but definitely tipsy and the urge is there. The urge to take him back to Eddie's house and forget for just a little while. 

To feel something other than the ache in his chest, in exactly the way he used to. He’s not stupid enough to not know Tommy’s intentions, Buck knows when people want him. It’s in his eyes, his gaze never leaving his face unless it drags down his body. The way the man wraps his mouth around the beer bottle. 

So Buck knows, but it doesn’t mean he wants it. He doesn’t want to get back together with Tommy. But it’s worked in the past before, and now he has the option, the eye opening experience to get so out of his own head he’ll feel good. Tommy can do that at least, even if Buck doesn’t want anything else from him. 

He does it, and it’s good enough. But it’s not good enough to where it’s completely off of his mind because he hasn’t taken Eddie's bed out of his room yet, it’s there when he hits the mattress and the scent of his cologne, his soap hits his nose. 

It’s no wonder Tommy noticed the next morning, he’d be blind not too. But it doesn't mean he has to tell him, it’s none of the man’s business. 

The lie still tastes disgusting in his mouth as the words come out, “In love with Eddie?” 

Buck knows he’s in love with Eddie. 

And the ache is back full force the moment Tommy walks out the door. Their mistake followed him with a slam. It makes him wince, his fingers itch again. 

It’s worse when he lies to Maddie too. 

But this feels like it’s just for him. It’s not like admitting to people will change the fact that it’s never going to happen. Eddies in Texas, Eddies straight. He’s not interested in Buck that way, he can’t be. 

Though he should’ve known that his pretending would come to get him. Because talking to Eddie on the phone for the first time since he’s settled in Texas is what nails the sensation down. 

“Have you seen him yet?” Buck asks, sitting on his own bed, thank you very much. And if Eddie is wondering where his own is he hasn’t said anything about it. Because it’s definitely not in the spare room where it's supposed to be. He took the sheets and the entire bed to the dump and never looked back at it. 

Eddie exhales, and runs his fingers through his hair, “Yeah— yeah he’s pissed at me.” And Buck frowns with sympathy. “Barely even looked at me when I got to my parents.”

Buck does not tell him what he wants to say. Even if he thinks it. That he should’ve just brought Chris home whether he liked it or not. That he should’ve put them both in therapy so they would actually talk about it. That he should’ve spoken to his son before taking his entire life back to a place he hates. The place he ran away from all those years ago. 

But he doesn’t say any of it. Instead he simply replies, “I’m sure he’ll come around, he still loves you Eds.” 

“He barely even acknowledged me, Buck.” Eddie states, his voice almost as low as a whisper and he can’t help but make a soft noise. 

“It’s been almost three months since you’ve seen each other, and neither of you have even talked about what happened. Or really at all, just give him some time.” Buck murmurs back, trying his best to be supportive when all he wants to tell him is to go get Chris and come back home. 

Eddie runs his fingers through his hair again and Buck wishes he could hug him, “You’re right,” he leans back in the chair he’s sitting in, “Of course you’re right.” 

Buck smiles even if he’s feeling the way he is, “Just show him Ed’s, talk to him.” 

“I’m going to my parents for dinner tonight, maybe I’ll start there.” And Buck hums. 

“Probably a good idea.” Even if the actual reality is that Buck would honestly rather never see the Diaz parents ever again in his life. 

It’s silent for a moment before Eddie speaks again and Bucks happy to let him sit with his thoughts, he’s definitely not busy, “Have you talked to him?” 

Buck nods and tries to ignore the pain in Eddie's gaze, “Only once after you got there, he wasn’t happy I didn’t tell him you were coming but— Eddie, he’s a teenager, he doesn’t have to like it.” And Buck stops himself but sticks by those words. “You just need to let him know you’re there.”

“I will Buck, thanks.” Eddie murmurs and internally he sighs with relief, that Eddie didn’t immediately argue with him. 

“Let me know how it goes?” Buck asks, wanting to be there for him, even if it’s just as a friend. 

“Yeah, yeah I’ll call you.” Eddie sounds defeated and the itch is back though, the anxiety, the sadness appears when the phone disconnects. Knowing he can’t do anything about this. He can’t help the two most important people in the world feel better.

But he thinks he knows how to help himself. 

It’s a stupid decision, but with Chris and Eddie in his head, on his mind at all times he makes the appointment without hesitation. It’s the same person that did the first tattoo he got in LA. She’s nice and Buck thinks her split dyed hair is cool and tells her when he sees her again. It’s a different color from the last time he saw her on instagram. A pretty blue and white on the other side, it looks nice on her. 

It’s not a very big tattoo but it doesn’t make it hurt any less with the details they’ve added to it together. The vibration of the tattoo gun as she works stings but there’s a sensation in his veins that takes away the ache he’s been feeling. To place art on his skin that makes him happy to know he’ll get to look at it whenever he wants. 

The black is done and then she starts on the color, the rest of the details that make it exactly what he wants it to be. 

Then when it’s done, when his skin feels raw, his thigh almost shaking with it he finally gets to look at it and it’s everything he wanted. Without shame he tears up right there in front of the mirror and his artist pats his arm and asks what he thinks. 

Buck looks at it, reading the words, “Just Keep Swimming” in script he tried to replicate for her, and the fish all around it, the bubbles and the water. It’s—- 

“It’s perfect.” Buck rasps and listens dutifully to her instructions as they are given. Knowing how to take care of a tattoo in his sleep but he wants this one to be perfect forever, so he’ll do whatever she asks of him, for as long as she wants. 

He cleans it and keeps it dry and covers it while he’s at work so it doesn’t get any bacteria in it while he’s running around. On or off of a call. 

But of course it’s Hen that notices that he’s aching first. She always notices when there is something wrong with him. Just like he’d never forget her birthday and celebrate with her and their friends, her family, everyone but Eddie and Chris. 

“What’s wrong with your leg?” Hen corners him in the loft while he’s cooking and everyone else is busy and his shoulders hunch out of reflex because he knows; he knows that she thinks somethings wrong and he hates that even after all of this time he still worries them all. 

“I uh—“ he swallows and lowers his voice, “I got a tattoo,” she gasps, her expression changing from worry to excitement, “It’s still healing so it’s the worst right now, I’m fighting the itch.” Smiling about it because the reason he got it may not be healthy, but it did make him feel better and it feels like Chris is closer to him somehow. And with the fact that there’s three fish, it helps with the whole missing Eddie part too. 

“Do you have a picture of it?” Hen asks and he’s nodding, swallowing around a little bit of nervousness because he does want her to like it, but he really doesn’t want her to ask any questions about it. 

Buck puts the spoon he’s using to the side and turns down the food enough to where it’ll be fine while he gets his phone out. Going to the photo he took at the tattoo parlor and turning it around to show her. 

Her smile doesn’t drop at all but her gaze does look slightly wistful, “Finding Nemo.” She says, not looking away from it even if he nods again. 

“Yeah—“ Buck swallows, “When Chris and I were in the tsunami… we uh, we kept saying it to each other, so..” he trails off and Hen settles a hand on his arm, there’s an understanding on her face he really doesn’t want to get into. 

“It’s gorgeous Buck, really it is.” 

“Thanks Hen.” 

When she hugs him, he almost tears up but luckily he doesn’t. Bobby would never let it go if he walked upstairs and saw Buck crying. They all think he’s losing it anyways, when in reality he’s doing just fine. 

—

Bucks not doing fine. 

Eddie calls him multiple times a day, and that’s fine. He’d be happy to see Eddie's face for the rest of his life and it does bring down the intrusive feeling of being forgotten down to a dull simmer everytime it happens. 

He’d called Buck after the dinner with sadness in his eyes and told him how it went. It sent that ache back into his bones where it settled after he got the first tattoo. Brought Eddie even more into the forefront of his mind. 

Missing Eddie feels like he’s missing a limb, and everytime his phone has lit up in the past few days, Buck feels like he’s drowning. But where it finally hit home once more, he was out with someone he didn’t know, having gone to the bar by himself to just talk to someone and get out of that lonely empty house. 

He picks up Eddie's FaceTime after excusing himself, much to the displeasure of the frankly large man he was talking to, that had the same color eyes as Eddie and leans against the side of the building as he waits for Eddie's face to come onto the screen. 

Once he does, Bucks feels himself make a confused expression, and can see it in his little camera, because it’s not Eddie's face, it’s a prius. 

“Please tell me that’s not yours.” It leaves his mouth before he can help it and he hears Eddie's laughter. The sound makes his heart flip as he finally gets to see his face. 

Eddie's eyes are shining with mirth, “Unfortunately it is.” 

“Where’s your truck?” He asks, ducking into the alley so there’s less noise.

“It’s uh— it’s better for uber… it gets better gas mileage than my truck.” Eddie's voice is softer now; a bit sadder. 

“Uber?” Buck questions, “I thought you were going too—“ 

“I didn’t get the position Buck.” Eddie cuts him off and Bucks eyes widen, surprise written all over his face. 

“What?” He sinks down against the wall, barely feeling where it strains the tattoo on his thigh. It's healing really well but that’s not the focus right now. The ground hitting the jeans he’s wearing beneath him. 

“Yeah— they said that they didn’t have the space.” Eddie states with a shrug but Buck knows him. “It’s fine.. really it is.” Buck doesn’t believe him, “I’ll have more time with Chris, making my own hours you know?” 

Buck purses his lips, it is a good thing, “Eddie,” and the man’s eyes meet his own, “You’re allowed to feel upset about it.” 

Eddie sighs, he’s been doing that a lot, “I — I know.” 

Does he? 

Buck raises an eyebrow but doesn’t reply and Eddie is walking now, towards the prius if he had to guess. And then Buck can’t see his face anymore, staring at the car again and Buck immediately hates it as it’s shown to him. 

It’s in good condition and the seats are still nice. The colors are okay. The paint is nice and it matches the interior. Eddie already has a phone mount for when he does use it to Uber around. 

Buck still hates it. 

And it must show on his face because Eddie sends him a look that he feels in his knees when he turns the camera back around and he lowers his gaze, and flattens out his expression. Having forgotten that Eddie can in fact still see him. 

“It looks reliable.” Buck murmurs and Eddie makes a soft noise. “Have you ubered yet?” 

Eddie winces then, “Yeah for Christopher on accident.” 

Buck can’t help but blink at him in shock, “Excuse me?” 

“Yeah, picked him up,” Buck gasps this time. He didn’t know about that, “And uh Chris thought I was a firefighter…” Eddie drags on. 

“You lied to him?” Buck can’t help but ask and the feeling in his chest comes back. “Eddie—“ 

“I know Buck.” Eddie snaps and Buck winces at the tone, and Eddie exhales, “I just didn’t.. I didn’t want him to be disappointed in me.” He leans against the Prius then, his head tilted back a little, “That’s not even the worst part.” 

“How is that not—?” 

“The mom.” Eddie swallows, “Chris was with a friend and the mom thought Chris was living with his parents.” 

Buck inhales sharply, “Excuse me?” 

“Yeah..” Eddie breathes, “I haven’t— I haven’t brought it up yet, they’re already pissed I lied about the job- I want to keep the peace.” 

“Eddie…” Buck says and brings his gaze back up, licking his lips before he speaks, “Eddie they’re not his parents, you’re his parent.” 

“So are you Buck.” Eddie sends him a look and now it feels like his chest is going to cave in, “Us, and Shannon. I know that, it’s just—“ 

“Hard to stand up to them?” He questions even if he feels

like he can’t breathe, in a dodgy alley, this late at night. But he knows that feeling, knows it all too well as Eddie nods. 

“Yeah.” Is all he says and Buck doesn’t know what to say at all, because he’s only stood up to his parents once, and then they stopped coming to therapy so he doesn’t think he has anything to say that’ll help. His heart is beating out of his chest and he can’t help the person he loves because his own parents are just as bad. 

There’s sirens in the distance but Buck barely hears them, barely hears the distant speaking of the drunk people leaving the bar, standing there and waiting for their own Ubers. He’ll need to order his own soon. Or drive, he hasn’t drank anything. 

His throat moves before he finally speaks again, “You should apologize to Chris.” And as Eddie opens his mouth, Buck speaks again, “Just call him and apologize and tell him why you lied.” 

He’ll need to call Chris tomorrow, it’s their weekly FaceTime anyways. To check in on him, since he’s apparently his dad too, and wow, he cannot think of that right now and the implications that his mind comes up with. 

“I can— I can do that.” Eddie murmurs, almost to himself and he gets it, even after the therapy that he definitely isn’t going to bring up but absolutely thinks he should do again. But this is a start. Them actually talking to each other. 

“Good.” Buck exhales and they’re staring at each other, staring until Buck jumps when a car honks. Taking him out of getting lost in Eddie's eyes, who’s looking at him just as deeply and he can’t do this. 

“Where’re you even at?” Eddie asks, and Buck kind of wants to hang up on him for changing the subject but he may not be able to handle this. But he also can’t make Eddie feel any worse. 

“I was at a bar.” Buck answers anyways, “Just wanted to get out I guess.” Decidedly not telling him that being in that house any longer than he needs to be makes him feel like crying. 

“Oh?” Eddie hums, “Have a good time?” Asking and his voice sounds a little off, but Buck thinks that he usually sounds a little off, with whatever he’s been thinking about lately. 

“I guess.” Buck leaned his head against the brick behind him, “Talked to a few people, met a nice guy but—“ and he was nice to look at at least, “I don’t think it’s my scene anymore.” 

“Maybe not.” Eddie states and Buck blinks back down to look at him and his expression is unreadable. 

Buck huffs, “At least this time Ravi didn’t leave me with Tommy, the prick.” 

“When did that happen?” Eddie asks immediately and Buck tilts his head in confusion. 

“Mmm I think like a few days after you left?” Buck replies, “Definitely don’t plan on seeing him again.” 

“Good.” Eddie states firmly and Buck huffs a laugh. 

“Tell me how you really feel.” Buck teases and Eddie rolls his eyes but there’s a slight smile there and that’s what Buck wanted. For him to not look so sad, even if he’s not telling him that he slept with Tommy. 

“It’s pretty obvious, he broke your heart, you made me gain 5 pounds in bread, we hate him.” Eddie smiles softly and Buck snorts and shakes his head. 

“He didn’t break my heart, I’m fine.” And really he is now, “I was just— I don’t know, sad, he was my first relationship with a guy so.” 

“True, we still hate him though.” Eddie repeats and Buck snorts at that. 

“Sure, we hate him.” Buck laughs softly and there’s a longing in his chest from it. To be able to just talk to one another like this. It makes him wish he was here, that he was next to him and they were at the bar together instead of miles apart. 

“Go home Buck.” Eddie says softly, and Buck groans. 

“It would be a whole lot easier if I had you as an uber.” He jokes, even if it hurts to do so. But he gets another snort of a laugh from Eddie for it so he’ll take it. The teary eyed look is gone so it’s perfect. 

“Leave them a good tip then for me.” Eddie says and they say their goodbyes, even if he doesn’t want to. He wants to talk to him all night, even if he’s sitting right here on the ground. He wouldn’t care. 

But he gets up and he looks up at the night sky, wishing for a moment that he could properly see the stars. Then gets in an Uber and doesn’t go home. 

He’s giving out the address for the tattoo shop before he can stop himself. Wanting that feeling to return, to fight the longing in his soul, pulling him somewhere he just can’t go to. 

So instead he steps inside the parlour and the same girl as before sees him and she waves, which makes him smile. 

“Back already?” She grins, the stone on her canine tooth shining and he nods. 

“Can you squeeze me in?” He asks with a nod and she checks the list and then she’s smiling up at him. 

“Sure can, what’re we doing then?” 

So he tells her the colors and the details and she draws it out right in front of it. Showcasing him wings he doesn’t have, colors he has come to love even more now that they represent who he is. The watercolor blending, little fake star shapes like the ones he can’t see in the sky in the details. 

Thinking of Eddie the entire time. 

Once she shows him, he nods, it’s just as beautiful as the one she did before. He loves all of the tattoos she’s done, but this one makes his eyes shine for a different reason. Showcasing this on his body to represent himself. 

Wondering briefly, as she begins if he should be doing this, but the sting grounds him. Makes him focus on it, as the pain turns it into something beautiful once more. It’s easier this time, maybe because Eddie's phone call ended on a positive note, how it represents something positive for himself. 

Buck is lying  on his stomach for it, his arm down by his side as she tattoos it on his shoulder, as if it’s flying off of his back, to somewhere, someone he wants so damn back but won’t ever get to have. Because the colors represent Bucks bisexuality, splashing against the butterfly. And Eddie doesn’t fit with that narrative, no matter how bad he wishes it to be so. 

It's gorgeous when she’s done but harder for him to clean by himself but he’ll get it, he’ll take care of the idea, the longing he feels just by looking at it.

Thinking of Eddie when he gets home, sleeping on his stomach so he doesn’t hurt it. Just like how he wishes Eddie wasn’t hurting. 

—

Buck is babysitting Jee when his phone rings again. He’s watching her while Maddie is at her ultrasound, finding out more on that wonderful second gift they’re being given. Lighting up against his coffee table as they watch a movie. 

“Jee you want to talk to Eddie?” He asks and she grins, adorably and so full of happiness it brings his mood up tenfold. But Maddie knows that, knows exactly why he’s watching her. 

“Ed’s!” She exclaims and he laughs, pressing the answer button and letting Eddie's face come on the screen with Jee in the frame and he gets to watch in real time as Eddie visibly softens at the mere sight of her. It makes heat that he hides curl in his gut. 

“Well look who’s hanging out with their uncle Buck today.” Eddie muses, smiling at him. They’d just talked during Buck's shift yesterday, talking as he cooked. Realizing now that there’s a chance that Eddie wanted to tell him something, or this might be one of the times that one of them just calls each other to talk. 

“Mhmm!” Jee exclaims and Buck nods. 

“Maddies at an ultrasound, so we’re hanging out for a bit.” Buck states, he’s been worried about the baby since the incident as he’s been calling it in his head so he doesn’t try and show up to their apartment to make sure she’s okay. He knows she is, but the worry is there. It always is with him, he worries too much. 

“Oh yeah? How’s the baby doing?” Eddie asks and it brings a smile to Buck's face. 

“Good as far as I know, when she’s done we’re doing the gender reveal so Karen’s with her right now.” He grins and Eddie smiles back. 

“I wish I could be there for it.” 

The words make his throat feel like it’s getting tighter. Suddenly he wants to scream and yell at him. Tell him that he could be here if he and Chris would just come home already. But he doesn’t, instead he says, 

“We could FaceTime, it’ll be like you’re really there.” 

“Yeah?” Eddie looks hopeful and Buck nods, assuring him right there through the screen. 

“Yeah, I’ll call you when we start.” Buck states as Jee leans against him, it’s almost time for her nap anyways, so he’ll need to get that started so Maddie doesn’t kill him later. Luckily she’s on the other side of his tattoo so she doesn’t accidentally hit it, “It’ll be a couple of hours.” 

Eddie's voice is low when he replies, “Sounds great.” 

And when he puts Jee down for her nap, he’s alone with his thoughts again. Trying to not be angry with Eddie, it’s not his fault and being a part of it will mean something for everyone. 

It’s a selfish thought, wanting Eddie to come back, but it’s a thought he can’t help. A thought that stays when he calls him right before they’re about to chef into the cake. Maddie and Chimney standing side by side while everyone surrounded it in Hen and Karen’s home. 

Buck smiles at the man before turning the camera, and focusing on Maddie and Chimney. His sister looks at him, tears in her eyes and he knows he looks the exact same, but he can’t look down at himself to check, it doesn’t matter. 

It only matters when they pull their glasses out and the cake is blue. 

Buck sobs immediately with everyone else and he can hear Eddie cheering among them through his phone as Maddie and Chimney hug each other tightly. He lets Eddie witness the moment, even if he knows his hands are shaking a little with it. Doesn’t turn the camera until they’re cutting the cake properly. 

And when he does, he’s met with a grinning Eddie and he laughs when Eddie does. The tears fall down his face and goes to speak when Maddie’s arms come around him excitedly. Her presence softened him more than ever. He wraps his free arm around her and barely touches the bump there with a soft hand. 

“Congratulations Maddie.” Eddie says, still grinning at the camera. And she’s laughing, the sound is wet and happy and he doesn’t want to let his sister go. 

“Thank you Eddie.” She sniffles, “Thanks for being here in the way you can be.” 

Eddie's face goes a bit pink when he says, “Of course.” 

The celebration of his nephew starts right then and he doesn’t actually properly get to talk to Eddie until he steps outside but it doesn’t seem like the man actually  minds as Buck's phone is passed around so he can talk to everyone. 

But it’s quieter outside and Buck is standing there, joy in his bones as they smile at one another, “I’m really glad you wanted to be here.” Buck states, high on that happiness and Eddie smiles back at him, it seems smaller but no less earnest. 

“Of course, I always want to be there with you, no matter how.” Eddie replies, his voice soft and it makes his belly soften, the feeling of those words and the meaning of them. 

“Eddie…” Buck exhales and the smile on that man’s face doesn’t go anywhere. 

“It’s true.” Eddie shrugs, as if that’s not the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to him, “I feel like I’m missing so much, so I want to be involved in everything you show me.” 

Briefly he thinks of the tattoos before moving on. 

“Well,” Buck swallows, “Then I bet you’d want to know the baby’s first name then.” He’s not brave enough yet to say anything else, but he gets the reaction he wanted. Wide eyes and a handsome face moved closer to the camera. 

“Well obviously, cmon Buck don’t keep me waiting.” Eddie urges and Buck smiles. 

“It’s Daniel.” Buck softens, his stance, his voice, all of it at the mention of his brother's name. And it seems to do something similar to Eddie, who leans back, far enough that he can see the top of Eddie's shirt again. 

“Is it really?” Eddie asks.

“Yeah,” Buck nods, feeling a little emotional, “I think one of his middle names is going to be Kevin… I’m not sure about that though.” 

“He’ll be perfect.” Eddie says and he sounds so sure. Buck agrees, but hearing it from him, makes those tears form again. 

“There’s not a chance he won’t be.” 

His next tattoo was planned out before he went. But he still didn’t tell anyone as it was inked on his skin. And the artist was silent as she worked, her hands steady and precise as the tattoo gun digs into his skin. 

He tells her about Daniel while she works, about Maddie who’s having a boy, a brother for his niece that’s already perfect. She listens and smiles as she changes her ink color for that special addition. 

It doesn’t even take that long to do so, only line work that still means just as much to him as the other ones. And the only sadness he feels when he looks at it, is that he wishes he could show Daniel. 

The three pinkie promises are the same size, wrapped around one another in perfect harmony. Right there on the back of his calf. This one felt different, felt like acceptance, of moving forward with himself and that grief he carries around for failing at what he was born for. 

An aspect he knows wasn’t his fault but still sits in his chest. 

That’s why the promise that’s representing Daniel is blue instead of black ink. A remembrance of his big brother's favorite color, and he’ll come in and touch it up anytime it shows signs of fading. Because even if Daniel isn’t here, he wants him to know that he’s remembered in this way. Where Buck can carry him around forever. 

But it also makes him think of Eddie, wishing he was here with him in this moment as he stares at the shapes of three hands in the mirror. Wishing he was home again. So he could go to the house and it would be Eddies, and not the place that Buck is renting. 

Maybe it’s why it’s the first tattoo that he shows someone. No one has seen the butterfly, somehow he’s gotten away with hiding it. But he wants Maddie to see this, see the promise that will never be broken. 

Maddie cries when she sees it. Her fingers tracing over the plastic wrap covering it up. 

“I’m getting one too.” She declares to him as they sit on her couch, “The moment I’m allowed too, I want to match, I’ll carry him too.” 

He hugs her that much tighter before he goes home that night. 

—

They have a barbecue the day Buck is missing Eddie more so than usual. His steps feel heavy and his gear weighs him down until their shifts over and he crashes until he’s meant to be there. Sleeps in his bed, sprawled out enough to where the pinky promises of his siblings hang off the side of the bed. 

Standing in Bobby and Athena’s new yard, their new house. Celebrating its completion moments after they’ve moved in. Knowing deep down in his heart that something’s missing as he sits there at a table with his family and that something is Eddie. 

Eddie and Chris are missing from their table and he sees the fact that someone forgot they wouldn’t be here, even if they’ve been gone for so long. There’s two empty chairs lying against the house. As if someone moved them out of the way at the last moment, remembering it for what it was. 

That right now their family isn’t complete and won’t be until they come back home. 

Everything is a little off right now anyways, with the phone call from Eddie the night before about Chris’s chess tournament. Something Buck didn’t know anything about because he would’ve said something. He knows Chris doesn’t like chess. 

But it means that at this moment Chris is moving in with Eddie again, in that house down in Texas. They’re with one another. Buck wonders if it’s silent or if they’re laughing. 

He wonders if they’re healing with one another, and wishes he knew the details of what happened at Chris’s chess tournament so he could be there for them even though he’s so far away right now. Eddie hasn’t explained it, only rattling in frustration that Buck listened too and supported the best he could. 

Though he didn’t really get a word in and his calf was hurting and he was itching again. Knowing that he wasn’t there with him, but at least he was with the rest of his family. 

His family that is supporting how he’s feeling and not reprimanding him for it. Not telling him to let it go, but just letting it be. They’re including him, talking to him and he feels loved. 

Even if he misses Eddie, he misses him so much that he could choke on it. His family is here with him, the rest of them trying to help fill that missing gap. With the way May tells him about college and Maddie sends him knowing, supportive looks that he is not going to acknowledge. 

It’s bad enough that they all definitely know, and it’s why they’re being so supportive. Supportive in silence that he won’t run away from. 

Buck books another tattoo appointment when he gets home that night. Loaded with leftovers from Bobby and Athena. She even gave him a kiss while he was sitting there, getting ready to leave but not moving yet. The gesture had made him flush down his neck, and under his shirt. Affection running through his veins at knowing that she loves him. 

He’s on his way to his appointment when he decides to call Eddie and check in. Knowing he’ll be a little early for it and decides to wait in his jeep before going inside. He doesn’t want his artist to feel rushed in any way. So he lets the phone ring and delights in the fact that Eddie answers after only a couple of them. 

“Hey Buck,” Eddie smiles at him and he reflexively does the same back. It’s the middle of the day, and he knows Chris is at school right now. But he’ll call the teenager later and show him a tattoo, he thinks he’d like that. 

“Hey, you’re not busy?” 

“Never for you,” Eddie states and it makes his heart race. Another set of words that Eddie just says, as if they aren’t bad for his health. “What’re you doing?” The man moves on, and all Buck can think about is kissing him.

“About to get a tattoo.” Buck replies with a smirk of his own and Eddie looks more intrigued. 

“What is it?” The man asks, and Buck watches him as he moves around, apparently sitting Buck down as he folds laundry. Having missed it before, Buck feels another pang, wishing he was there. 

And the realization that he doesn’t want to tell Eddie exactly what he’s getting right now makes him pause, Eddie doesn’t seem to notice but it might be too revealing if he says it right now. So he blurts the first thing that comes to mind instead. 

“A bee.” And fights the urge to not widen his eyes because a bee? A bee. But Eddie obviously doesn’t have the same urge because he raises an eyebrow at Buck, leaning over to the phone without picking it back up. 

“A bee? Like from beenado?” And Buck laughs, he’d forgotten all about that, but now, now he can use that. And it’ll mean something to him if he does. It was something that Eddie was a part of, something he played a direct part in. An anchor for Buck and a listener to all of the facts he spewed off while spraying him. 

“Just like that.” Buck nods, a smile on his face. 

Eddie shakes his head with a smile, “Please tell me you’re not getting it above your knee.” And Buck thinks about it before cackling. 

“Eddie! That’s genius!” He exclaims, making the man groan and mutter something in Spanish. “The bees knees!”

“suerte que es lindo.” Eddie murmurs to himself as he puts together a pair of socks. 

Looks like he’s getting two tattoos today, hopefully she has the time for that. 

She does not, but Buck is coming back for the one he originally planned for tomorrow, thankful he has another day off after this one because he’s going to be feeling it either way. Neither location is the most comfortable spot, but now he has to get the bee. Because now, as he looks at the blank spot there and thinks of Eddie. 

He thinks of their jokes and laughs with him. He thinks of sitting too close and letting their knees brush together. Buck thinks of what it’ll be like when he does get home and he’ll get to look down and see it there when he’s wearing shorts and knowing it is when he’s not. 

He thinks of Eddie's hand touching it as the needle digs into the skin above his knee. He thinks of the crinkle in his eyes when he does so. The thoughts rolling in his head as the bee's body forms. 

It looks like it’s laying on him, its little legs forming. The fur is detailed in yellow and black. The wings lines standing out, flayed there so he can see both sides, its head towards him. It’s lovely and he smiles just looking at it, the first tattoo he’s gotten that makes him want to laugh instead of cry while Eddie runs through his mind. 

It’s also the first one he willingly sends the man. The only one he gets to see if Buck has any say about it. Snapping the picture and sending it right there in the studio as she puts the finishing touches on it. Wincing as the hints of white are tattooed into his skin to make it pop. 

The reply comes fast, as if Eddie was waiting for him to send it. 

Eds: Of course you actually did it

Eds: It looks great Buck

He smiles so wide it makes his jaw hurt. 

It makes the tattoo he gets the next day bittersweet though as his family's love radiates through him. As he wears shorts and takes off his sock to let her get to his ankle. Laying through the pain as she hits bone, the wrapping design goes around his ankle as he fights the need to bite onto something. 

He has to rotate for it, to get it all of the way around. The flowers are forming and sticking up, as if they’re growing, growing with the love he feels for all of them. He knows that when this is done and he wears shoes, it’ll look even better, more magical in a way that he feels like he needs. As if his family is there with him, through everything. 

Even missing his best friend so much that it makes him nauseous. They’re there for him, holding him up and close. Having his back on calls in place of Eddie, but not replacing him. 

It’s only right that he puts them all on his body forever, each of them with their birth flowers. Signifying all of them, even Athena, May and Harry. A daffodil for himself, a lily of the valley for Eddie, an Aster for Athena, a snowdrop for Bobby, a violet for Maddie, a gladiolus for Chimney, a chrysanthemum for Hen, a morning glory for Chris, a sweet pea for May, a rose for Harry, a cosmo for Ravi, a poppy for Karen and a honey suckle for Jee. 

They’re his family, even if none of them are blood. They chose him and even with the mistakes he’s made, they kept him. They didn’t leave him. 

Eddie didn’t leave him, no matter what his brain tells him. Even if he doesn’t want Eddie to see this one, wants to keep it to himself, with all of the others, for a little while. Eventually he’ll show everyone, even if they won’t know the reason. He knows they may figure it out and he doesn’t want it to get back to Eddie. 

As if this is negative, and even if some felt that way. He doesn’t see them as bad now. Though it takes the sensation away, of having his family permanently marked on him as a way to know that he won’t be forgotten. How these flowers are forever, a perfect and permanent reminder that he is loved. 

Even if he isn’t loved in the way he wishes to be. 

In the way he craves as the artist details more flowers onto his skin. Their leaves glowing to him, even if the entire thing is in black and white. It doesn’t need color, only the love beams at him when he looks into the mirror. 

But he waits to cry until he gets home. 

Cries until he’s sobbing with it as he takes the wrapping off, the sound feels like it's echoing through the bathroom. Ripping through him down to his core, seeing the manifestation that Buck and the artist created for the people he loves, and the people that love him in return. 

It gets to the point where he has to lean on the counter for support. It wracks through him in waves. Tears flowing down his face as he avoids looking at himself in the mirror, drowning in his own thoughts. 

It’s the first time he misses a call from Eddie. The screen goes dark as it sits next to him. Ending the possibility of FaceTiming. And Buck wants to see him, wants to see his face and hear what he’s up too right now. Wants to know how his day went. 

Wants to know how Chris is doing, if he’s still liking the school he’s going too. He wants to see their faces, he wants to laugh with them and forget that he feels so alone, even with his family wrapped around his skin. Radiating in aching pain to remind him that they are there. 

But the people he wants the most aren’t. 

And that’s why he goes to bed without calling Eddie back. He can’t let the man see what a mess he’s become without him. How he’s getting tattoos instead of just telling him that he misses him. 

But it feels like telling him how he feels. It makes his throat close up and the words choke him. It won’t come out because he doesn’t want to ruin it all by having feelings that he can’t control. 

Buck falls asleep like that, loathing in these feelings of loneliness, even surrounded by everyone. 

—

When he wakes up his eyes are bleary and his head hurts. It pounds against his skull, beating in unforgiving thumps. But he still gets up, he groans, body aching from the way he fell asleep. 

He’s blinking the tiredness out of his eyes, wincing in pain as he gets in the shower to attempt the idea of a headache going away with heat. Trying to soothe his muscles, but he barely even remembers that he can’t actually stand in the shower with two new tattoos. That they can’t get soaked yet, so he speeds the process up. No matter how much his body protects the action. 

When he gets out of the shower, the first thing he does is call Eddie back. Even if he is not feeling it, even if he’s dreading it. But he needs to, he doesn’t want to worry Eddie, he doesn’t deserve to feel that way. 

Buck hears the moment Eddie picks up as he’s getting dressed, “Buck?” He hears his voice as he pulls his pants up, the motion alone making him wince again as he looks down at the man, his phone laying on the bed. 

“Hey Eds,” Buck murmurs, only coming into frame just enough, to see himself before moving away, “Sorry I didn’t answer last night, I had a headache.” 

Which is a lie, but isn’t a lie now because he definitely has one this morning. 

“Oh.” Eddie stares as Buck picks him up off of the bed and holds the phone up as he looks for a shirt, “How’s it now?” And Buck smiles at the edge in Eddie's voice, as if he’s thinking about fighting Buck's headache himself. He likes that about Eddie, as silly as it is. 

“Still there,” He sighs, letting his phone sit against the dresser now as he does find a shirt, and he thinks he might hear Eddies breathing hitch when he pulls it on after turning around but when he turns back around, Eddies face is neutral so he shrugs to himself and moves on, “But it’s alright, I’ll take something when I get to the station.” 

“You do that, make Hen give you something good.” Eddie blinks then replies and Buck picks the phone back up and heads to the door, keys in hand. 

“Trust me, I plan on it.” He states as he locks the door. Bringing Eddie with him as he slides into the jeep, Maddie’s jeep he should say. Sitting the phone down in the cup holder so he can drive. 

“Good, I’d hate for you to be on shift with a headache.” 

“At least it’s only a 12.” Buck huffs a weak laugh, driving down the road and exiting Eddie's neighborhood. Turning onto the Main Street that goes towards the station, “How’s Chris doing?” 

“He’s actually the one that called last night, apparently his class is having a final project and he wanted to get some ideas.” There’s happiness in Eddie's voice that aids the pain of missing a phone call from Chris, but he already feels like shit so what’s one more thing? 

“Oh, I’ll have to call him when I get off shift then, I’d love to hear about it.” Keeping his voice low but heard, there’s excitement there that not even his headache can stop as he slows to the red light in front of him. 

Eddies about to reply when the squealing of tires roars behind him and the next he’s forced forward, his foot letting go of the brake, and a cry of panic exits his mouth before he can control it. 

He’s just been hit. 

His jeep just got hit, Maddies jeep just got hit and he blinks, groaning as his face meets the airbag that goes off. Luckily he sits far enough away but it still hurts, and the crack sound he heard can’t be good news. 

Blearily he thinks that it hurts, that he’s hurt. But he’s still blinking out the way his vision shakes. Head pounding in his ears. Looking at the morning sun beaming down as the day begins. 

Sound filters in next, he hears screaming, he hears— “Buck! Evan!— Hey! Answer me! Buck!” Going through his head, the loudness of it makes him groan again as it continues, footing through his shaken brain, his unbearable headache growing with every second. 

Finally, after what feels like hours; but was likely only minutes, his vision clears enough. And yeah, it hurts. But he takes his shaking hands, when did they start shaking? He starts pushing against the steering wheel, moving himself up, whining softly at the pain in his face. 

That’s when he realizes that he’s closer to the steering wheel than he was before and there’s still someone fucking yelling — and Eddie. 

Buck whips his head and the agony that comes with the motion almost makes him throw up everywhere as he grabs his phone. His phone that’s miraculously still in the cup holder and brings it close to him. 

He speaks, or he rasps, “Eddie—“ switching it around to look at the screen and what he sees brings the nausea back full force. 

Eddie's face is there; he looks panicked, shaken but Buck is also looking at himself. Focusing on the blood that’s pouring from his nose, broken, his hazy mind comes up with. His nose is broken. His mouth is wet and he’s staring at Eddie who looks like he’s going to start crying. 

“Eddie-“ He tries again and this time Eddie responds. 

“Buck—- fuck, fuck — you’re okay sweetheart, I can hear the ambulance okay? You’re going to be okay.” 

Buck hums, leaning against the back of the seat, “My head hurts…” he draws out a concussion. Is the next word that comes to him. He's definitely got one of those, this isn’t just a headache anymore. 

“I know it does mi vida, keep those eyes open for me okay? Just until they get you out, then you can go to sleep.” Eddie sounds like he’s pleading with him. 

“Tired—“ Buck whines, and yeah he’s a whiner but it hurts and sleeping would make the pain go away. He doesn’t hurt anywhere else. He can move his legs, they’re stuck but he can move them, but Eddie doesn’t need to know he’s stuck. 

“I know you’re tired Buck, but you’ve got to stay awake, can you stay awake for me?” Eddie asks, he pleads, Buck can hear it in his voice. He's loud, and Buck fights it, fights it for Eddie, even if all he wants to do is sleep. 

“Miss you.” Buck mumbles as he looks over and sees a firetruck pull up and Eddie inhales sharply when Buck continues, seeing Bobby hop out of the truck and start running towards him, “‘S Bobby.” He rasps, his voice a whisper. 

“Baby? Bobby’s there?” Eddie calls out and Buck just hums in agreement. 

“Right there.” Managing to get the words out before he hears Bobby calling his name and that’s when the world goes dark. 

When he wakes up, it’s to the familiar beeping of a heart monitor and he groans just knowing that he’s in the hospital. The last place he wants to be right now. 

“Evan?” He hears Maddie’s voice and groans with it as he blinks his eyes open and meets hers immediately and he smiles, a wobbly thing that he can manage right now. She’s been crying, he can see it. 

“Mads.” Buck croaks out and she grabs him a glass of water, moving swiftly until he’s sitting up and drinking from the cup with her help. Downing it to get the scratchy feeling out of his throat. 

When he’s done she speaks up again, “Do you remember what happened?” 

Buck nods his head, “Got rear ended.” He swallows around the wetness that’s in his throat now before he looks up swiftly, “Eddie, I was on the phone with Eddie, is he—“ 

Maddie’s face softens, “Eddie's fine Buck, he called me while Bobby was getting you out of the jeep, he’s worried but he’s fine, I’ve been keeping him updated. Everyone’s fine, they’re all waiting for you outside.” 

Buck slumps against the hospital bed, “The jeep?” 

Maddie shakes her head, “it’s a total loss baby brother.” Her expression is somber, and the tears form before he can stop them. 

“It’s—-“ His voice breaks, “It’s gone?” 

She sits down on the bed next to him and wraps an arm around his shoulder, “Yeah Evan it’s gone, but you’re okay, that’s what matters.” 

He still cries over it. Cries because she gave that jeep to him. Gave it to him to escape when she couldn’t, when she chose to stay out of fear. That jeep was his home in his early twenties while he was traveling. It kept him safe in otherwise unsafe locations. It took him out of the country. 

Now it’s just gone because someone wasn’t paying attention. And Maddie holds him while he cries, doesn’t tell him to stop and he thinks that she sheds a few tears of her own over it. It was their brother's favorite color after all. 

When he’s finally calm, he realizes that his nose feels funny and remembers kissing the airbag. The worst kiss he’s had in his life honestly. 

“Is my nose broken?” Buck asks and Maddie nods against his shoulder. 

“They set it while you were sedated, but it’s the only thing that’s broken— it just looked… it looked really bad.” Maddie murmurs, her voice hoarse. 

“How bad?” He asks, wanting to know. 

“When Bobby got to you, both ends of the jeep were smashed in.” That would explain the fact that he was closer to the steering wheel, “They had to cut the door off and remove the steering wheel to get you out.” 

Yeah, the jeeps really gone. But he’s here, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt any less. 

And hours go by as everyone visits him, hugging him close and when Athena leans down, she kisses his forehead and whispers, “Your tattoos are beautiful.” And simply walks away and he follows her as she goes. 

Looking around the room and realizing that everyone knows about the tattoos now. Has seen them all and the panic he expected to follow it doesn’t come. And it may be because of the pain medicine that they have him on. But it’s a relief that follows, to know it’s not a secret anymore. 

But it doesn’t make calling Eddie any less daunting after everyone leaves for the night. Well everyone except for Bobby but he’s letting Buck call Eddie in private. 

Eddie picks up on the first ring even though it’s the middle of the night by now. The darkness being let into his room through the windows. 

“Buck.” Eddie breathes the moment he sees his face and it’s the first time he’s seeing his own face too and his eyes widen at his own reflection. 

His eyes black, a little swollen and the bruising goes over his face, his nose is packed and swollen, clearly they’ve taken care of the break but it still looks absolutely awful. There’s a burn on his neck, likely from his seatbelt and his body still aches. But it’s significantly less than the crash itself. The pain is lessened but he doubts it’ll stay that way once he can leave. 

“Hey Eds.” Buck replies softly, leaning his head against the pillows behind him. 

“Buck!” Chris’s voice joins in and he can’t help the smile that forms in his face when he sees that boy on the camera screen. 

“Hey buddy.” Buck murmurs, knows his expression is soft but he doesn’t care. He was told he's a parent, so he’ll take it. 

“Dad said you got in a car accident.” He says very matter of fact, but Buck can see the worry there. 

“I did, someone hit the jeep while I was at a stoplight, but I’m okay.” 

“You look terrible.” Chris states and Buck lets out a surprised laugh as Eddie scolds him. 

“No, no it’s okay, I do look terrible don’t I? But this is the worst of it, I’m fine everywhere else.” 

“Promise?” Chris asks immediately and the smile returns to Buck's face. 

“I promise, I’m just going to be really sore for a few days.” He tilts his head into a more comfortable position, “They’ll probably send me home tomorrow honestly,” and he sees Bobby come in the room and the man shakes his head and points. Buck follows it and sees that it’s actually the day after, “Ah, I get to go home in two days.” 

“Who's going to take care of you since we’re not there?” Chris actually sounds heartbroken and it’s everything he can do not to tear up at his words. 

“I will because he’s not going home; he’s staying with us until that nose of his is healed.” Bobby states; no room for argument in his tone, “Plus you’re going to need help anyways; that tattoo of yours is fresh.” 

“Tattoo?” Eddie questions, “The bee? That should be fine now right? Just needs cleaned.” 

Bobby sends him a look, a softer one that makes Buck want to sink in the sheets, “I actually got another one the next day.” He murmurs and before Eddie can even reply, Bobby steals his phone and lifts the bottom of his blanket up where the flowers sit. 

“Hey now, you can’t just show my feet to people for free.” He gripes and Bobby makes a face that makes him smile. As he shows what of the tattoo you can see on the front and the sides to Eddie and Chris. 

“Is that?—“ He hears Eddie's voice and then Bobby responding; “it sure is.” And there’s nothing he can do about it. 

It makes him sag into the bed, overwhelmed in a different way than it was earlier as Bobby hands him his phone back. He sees Eddie's face again and the questions there but all he says is, “I need to get some sleep.” His voice a whisper and Eddie's expression crumbles. 

“Call me tomorrow?” 

Buck nods, not looking at the camera, “Yeah, night Eddie, night Chris.” 

“Night Buck!” Chris exclaims and Buck is tired and does need to get rest but he respects the boy for not calling him out. 

Eddie stares at him for a moment before sighing, “Night Buck.” He ends the call so he doesn’t have to look at him anymore and then it’s silent as he sits his phone down. 

“I’m guessing he hasn’t seen them?” Bobby questions, sitting down next to him. 

“Only the bee.” 

Bobby makes a soft noise at that, his face looking apologetic, “I didn’t know that, sorry kid.” 

“It’s fine pops.” Buck murmurs because there’s no taking it back now. Even though Eddie definitely saw the others, he knows that. But he closes his eyes anyway as the medicine finally lets him be pulled back under to go to bed.

Four days later he leaves Bobby and Athena’s while they’re both on shift to sit in his artist's chair again. He’s cradling a post it note in his hands and the way she looks at him makes him think he looks worse than he feels now. 

The second night in the hospital he did call Eddie, and they talked kind of. Eddie never said anything about the crash, just updated him on Chris and then he talked to Chris about his project. So it looks like they’re doing what they do best and ignoring it. 

Even if he keeps dreaming about Eddie's voice calling him sweetheart. 

He doesn’t bring it up, and by the time he’s out of the hospital he goes straight to Bobby and Athena’s, using their spare room until he can ‘lay down all of the way’ but he’s okay with it. He enjoys staying with them. 

Even if he definitely left the house while they were both on shift so he can get this done. It’s simple and small and likely all he’s able to do right now, since he’s been benched for four weeks. 

So here he is, handing the numbers 447 to the tattoo artist, explaining that it’s the color code numbers to Maddie’s jeep. His sister, and she softens. 

“So where’s it going?” She asks, that normal sparkle in her eye about tattooing in general. One of these days he’s going to get her to ramble so he can learn from someone who directly tattoos. 

“My wrist.” Buck decides right there easily. So he can look at it and be reminded of all of the fond memories that came with having the jeep. Getting to remember all of the places it took him, all of the safety it gave him. Until he found his home here in LA. 

She gets started and it’s probably the tattoo that hurts the least, but his pain tolerance has been out of sorts for years so a wrist tattoo is nothing compared to what it could be. 

And when it’s done he looks at it with a soft smile, a longing he still feels in his chest. Knowing that it’s gone forever, but still with him in this way and it makes it easier to walk back outside and get in his rental car. The way he’ll be getting around until further notice. 

He sends a picture of it to Maddie the moment he’s in the car and tells her to look up the color of the jeep and knows when she does, as his phone lights up, bringing a smile to his face. 

“Evan, did you really?” Maddie says the moment he picks up the call, “Are you even supposed to be driving?” 

Buck huffs a laugh at the tone of her voice, “I did and I can see fine there’s no reason not to drive and I’m going back to Bobby and Athena’s now anyways.” 

“Pretty sure that doesn’t mean you can drive.” Maddie huffs and Buck rolls his eyes goodnaturedly even if she can’t see him. Maybe she’ll feel it in the universe and it’ll be a win. 

“I’m being careful.” He replies and makes his way back to the house, taking his time and paying more attention to his surroundings more than he normally would. 

“I’m sure.” She states but he can hear her smile, “Just take it easy okay? You’re lucky you’re going to be allowed to even be a man behind next week.” 

“Mads, I’ll be careful, I can do laundry without bothering my nose.” He replies as he turns into the road Athena and Bobby now live on before getting out when he pulls into the driveway, listening to her reply on the other end while he does so. 

“I know you can, it was just really scary…” Maddie fades off, “And— I know you’ve been missing Eddie and I’m just worried.” 

Buck sighs, setting his keys down on their new island, “I do miss Eddie.” And he makes his way back to the spare room he’s been sleeping in, “But I’m handling it.” 

“By getting tattoos?” She immediately questions and Buck bites his lip to keep the lie from falling out of his mouth. 

“It’s making me happy to get them.” Buck says once his bearings return and he’s sitting on the mattress to relax once more, “And it’s not hurting anything to get them, they’re helping.” 

Maddie’s silent for a second before he hears her voice again, “Just don’t go overboard with it.. he is coming back you know that.” 

Buck adjusts the pillow he’s going to have to lay on, not allowed to fully lay down yet, “I know he is, it’s just—“ and he can’t finish the sentence, can’t bring himself to do so but Maddie knows him anyways. 

“He’s coming back home Evan.” Maddie says softly, “You should’ve seen how worried he was about you, he was going to get on a plane and come here.” 

Buck inhales sharply, “He was?” 

Maddie hums in agreement, “Yeah, but— we told him not too, and I kept him updated as much as I could instead. I just didn’t want… I didn’t want him to come back just to leave again.” 

For your sake, she doesn’t say. 

And he gets it, he really does. Seeing Eddie in person would be a gift, he knows it would be. But then it would hurt all over again when he left to go back to Texas. Buck doesn’t think he’d be able to handle it twice. He might actually start baking again if that happened. 

“Thanks Mads.” Buck gets out, now he just wants to lay down, get some rest because he feels tired, knowing Eddie almost came here and didn’t tell Buck at all. But he guesses that it’s for the best. 

“Never a problem Evan, now get some rest and let your nose heal before getting any new tattoos hmm? For my sake.” 

The words make Buck laugh, ignoring the twinge of pain it brings him to move his face that much but agrees. Hanging up soon after and yeah he can do that, promising that for 3 to 4 weeks he won’t get another tattoo. 

—

Buck keeps his promise. Especially now that everyone knows he’s been getting tattoos. Hopefully not all of them know the exact reason, because that would be mortifying and a little too close to keeping his feelings to himself going away. 

Maddie knows, but Maddie always knows and they don’t even have to say the words, even if he has a suspicion that she really wants to. She respects that he doesn’t. 

Because frankly everyone knowing that he’s getting tattoos because he misses Eddie is the worst thing that would ever happen. It could get back to Eddie. And then Buck would never see him again. 

So that can’t happen, and they continue to talk on the phone an absurd amount of times a day. Per chimney, those were his exact words. But Buck likes it, he likes that he and Eddie call one another at every moment, any time they can do so. Even if Bucks at work, it settles his chest and takes some of the worry away. 

The feeling that he’s going to be forgotten has all but dwindled into nothing. At least when it comes to Eddie and Chris. 

Because now he sits here in his own living room, having gotten to go home and Chris is on the other side of FaceTime, showing him the finishing touches of his final project before school is out. 

It’s fantastic work, detailing the maps of the world and the important aspects that they stand for in various locations. Chris clearly looked excited, detailing it to Buck and Buck added different things he could add to his paper when he wrote it to go along with the actual project. 

“You’ve been to some of these places right Buck?” Chris says after explaining to him the details of Machu Picchu.” 

“Mhmm I’ve lived in a lot of places, and then I came to LA and just never left.” Buck muses, feeling a softness just thinking of the places he’s been and the people he’s met throughout his life, the positives of those points in his life. The people that gave him a chance, those who believed in him or gave him a temporary home. 

“You think you’ll travel anymore?” 

Buck has to think about that one, but he comes to the conclusion pretty swiftly, “Mmm probably not bud, at least not by myself, maybe take a vacation but I don’t think I could move out of LA.” 

“That makes sense.” Chris states while writing something else down, “And plus when we come home you’ll get to live with us so you don’t even have to find a new home.” 

Buck feels those words in his bones, how he says it so casually, as if he’s thinking about moving home already, and the fact that Chris believes that Buck won’t be leaving the house when they get back, that it’s his home too. Especially saying that without being embarrassed, he remembers being thirteen. 

“That’s true, if your dads okay with it. He might want his bed back.” Buck teases, “And my back cannot take the couch, I’d have to actually clean the spare room.” Because he definitely hasn’t done that, he hasn’t even opened the door since he put some stuff in there, and really hasn’t dared to go into Chris’s room. 

Chris is nodding, “Dads bed sucks anyways, he needs a new one.” Wrinkling his nose with it and Buck laughs, the pain from his nose mostly gone now. 

“Well if your dads bed still existed…” Buck drawls off and Chris looks at him full of mirth, “I planned on buying him a new one anyways.” 

“Buy me a new what?” Eddie walks into the room and Bucks heart skips a beat hearing his voice, “it better not be some thing with the smart stuff on it.” 

Chris rolls his eyes and Buck stifles a laugh, “Dad, he said he got rid of your bed.” 

Eddie finally comes into frame and leans over Chris, “Dude, you got rid of my bed?” And Buck flushes at being caught out by a teenager of all people. 

“Ah— well it was uncomfortable.” Buck tilts his head and he can feel Eddie still looking at him. 

“Mhmm…” Eddie states and it really sounds like he doesn’t believe him. 

“Let’s just say I owe you a new bed.” Buck states, hoping he doesn’t ask any questions while Chris is there, he even goes as far as pointedly looking at Eddie, trying to convey that he doesn’t want to talk about it at all. 

Eddie inhales, “Right.” And Buck's gaze avoids him when he speaks again. 

“I got rid of it months ago.” He says pointedly again, “I don’t know how you didn’t notice before.” Trying for teasing and light so Chris doesn’t notice. 

“Must’ve been distracted by something else.” Eddie muses and Bucks mind goes to a dangerous place as Chris sighs dramatically. 

“Dad you can flirt with Buck later, I want to show him my project.” And now Buck knows his entire face is red. What? And he finally brings his gaze back to Eddies and Eddie is red. His cheeks are flushed and oh he wants to know what he’s thinking, wants to know what that reaction is about. Why is it happening? 

“I’ll call you after we’re done, Eds.” Buck says softly and Eddies snap to him and he nods and it’s probably the quickest he’s ever left the frame and he wonders if he’s embarrassed, if it means that it’s possible. 

But he can’t ask Chris. 

“Okay, show me Europe then.” Buck states after clearing his throat and Chris goes right back in, as if he didn’t just tilt Bucks world a little more than it has been for months. 

Buck calls Eddie once he’s ready for bed that night, needing to sleep before his shift tomorrow. And the man picks up, looking like he’s been lying down for a while and they stare at one another for a moment before Eddie speaks. 

“So you slept with Tommy in my bed.” 

Buck chokes on nothing at all and there’s a smirk on Eddie's face when he says it, but he doesn’t look happy at all. 

“I did.” He states once he gets the ability to speak back, “Months ago, like I said.” 

Eddie hums and Buck doesn’t really know what to do with this. He slept with his ex, he doesn’t plan on ever doing it again, or seeing him again in all honesty and really he kind of forgot Tommy exists on a daily basis. Too worried about Eddie and missing him. 

“It doesn’t really matter now, I haven’t talked to him in months.” Buck decides to say out loud and waves a hand around.  

“Right.” Eddie says, following his wrist, “But you got another tattoo.” 

“Yeah that’s not because I’m missing Tommy.” Buck rolls his eyes and his brain can’t even make that connection, “They've just been— making me happy, carrying pieces with me.” 

“You’ve gotten quite a few, I’m feeling left out here, not seeing them.” Eddie says and there’s something in his gaze that Buck doesn’t really understand. 

“I — I’m sorry, I haven’t been trying to hide them,” like a liar, “they’ve just been… for me I guess. Do you want to see them?” He asks, he doesn’t think he has any that Eddie shouldn’t see. 

“Yes.” Eddie says immediately and it makes Buck laugh as he sits up and uncovers himself. He’s just in his boxers anyways so he doesn’t really need to do much to show him.

“So you’ve seen the flowers and the bee.” Buck hums, ignoring his racing heart as he stands up and goes to the mirror in his room. “There’s this one on my thigh.” And he pulls his boxers up a little so Eddie can see it, “It’s uh…” 

“Finding Nemo, Evan.” Eddie exclaims and Buck feels himself flush. 

“It’s pretty motivating to see it there.” Buck replies and pulls the fabric back down, “Makes me think of Chris.” 

“He’ll love it.” Eddie sounds breathless and it makes him swallow. 

Buck turns around to fight the sensation running through him. He’s just showing Eddie his tattoos, it’s not that big of a deal. 

“Then there’s the pinky promises.” Buck states, smiling now just looking at it, showing his calf off, “One for me and one for Maddie and the other for—“ 

“For Daniel.” Eddie finishes and Buck nods, feeling wistful. 

“Yeah, that’s right.” And then he steps closer, “Then there’s the butterfly.” Adjusting so Eddie can see the colors and the shape properly, right there on the shoulder. 

“It’s your colors.” Eddie states, looking closely at it in some type of awe. 

“Mhmm.” Buck swallows, “I wanted to represent that part of me in some way and a butterfly fit.” And does not tell him that he wasn’t in the best mind space for it, wanting to fly to Eddie somehow but didn’t, couldn’t. 

“It’s beautiful.” Eddie exhales and it makes Buck flush. 

“Thanks Ed’s.” Replying as he steps away from the mirror, and sits down on the bed again with the camera  still angled away from him, “And then I got this…” and shows him the 447 that he must’ve gotten a glimpse of earlier. 

“447?” Eddie questions and that’s understandable. 

“It’s the color code numbers for the jeep.” Buck murmurs, “I wanted to remember it somehow.” And he’ll think of Eddie everytime he looks at it. 

He’ll think of Eddie everytime he looks at any of them, but that’s his little secret. 

“A good way to remember it, I’m glad you didnt tattoo a damn jeep on you.” And Buck laughs 

“I haven’t actually lost my mind, you know?” Teasing as he lays back down, getting himself comfortable again. 

“Sure, I believe you.” Eddie teases right back as Buck yawns, 

“Maybe you should get one, make me seem less crazy.” Buck states, pulling the covers over himself.

“I’ll think about it.” Eddie states, watching him, “Maybe I won’t tell you what it is.” 

Buck gasps, “No you have to show it to me!” 

Eddie looks at him for a moment, “Only if you show me every time you get another one.” 

Buck sighs dramatically, “Fine, fine if that’s what it takes to see it.” 

Eddie softens, and with a teasing tone, “That’s all I ask, don’t act like it’s a hardship.” 

“I knew you just wanted to see more of my body.” Buck says, still being dramatic and teasing and— 

“Well it is a bonus.” Eddie states and Buck snaps his head to look at Eddie and narrows his eyes to hide the fact that he’s definitely freaking out. 

“Hmmmm.” He says and Eddie huffs a laugh. 

“Go to bed Buck.” 

He definitely does not go to bed after they get off of the phone. Instead he’s on his phone scheduling another tattoo appointment and he realizes that it’s definitely becoming a problem. Buck just can’t seem to help himself. 

And the conversation with Chris earlier didn’t help at all. So he lays awake and thinks about the tattoo he’s going to go get after his shift tomorrow. 

The plan is to come home after and take a nap, then go. 

It’s exactly what happens. 

Their shift is an okay one but he’s still exhausted by the time he flops himself back onto the bed. Threw car accidents, four house fires, and a dog that ran away and was found by a police officer hours later completely fine. No casualties and minor injuries and some smoke inhalation. 

It doesn’t make him any less exhausted as he sets an alarm before his appointment starts so he doesn’t sleep through it and is out before he even fully sits his phone down. 

When it goes off, it feels like it’s immediate. Raising him from temporary death as he was sleeping so deeply but he groans and gets up anyway so he can shower. Buck really doesn’t want to go to his appointment smelling like fire and soot. 

So he showers and lets his curls free, as he’s been doing that more and more because he’s really come to love them, and Chris has them. So if it makes him feel closer to the boy he considers as a son, he’ll take it. He’ll hold it close to him and drive to his tattoo appointment, thinking of the two people he wishes were coming with him for this one. 

Because Chris’s words have had him thinking about home. About what he sees as his home and the place, full of the people he loves. Missing the ones that left holes in his heart when they went, but this is still their home.

LA is all of their homes, but he also doesn’t want to forget where he's gone to get here. 

So when he gets inside and speaks to the tattoo artist, he tells her about his adventures while she draws the tattoo. Detailing the places and the people he’s been, but only focusing on the places he stayed. Montana, where he was a ranch hand, Peru, where he bartended and learned broken Spanish and bad frosted tips. Then where he was born, in Hersey where his brother sleeps and the people who raised him live. 

And then here in LA. Where his heart belongs, where his family lives and grows. Where his niece goes to daycare and his nephew will be born. 

Where the compass he was unknowingly following led him to all along. Where the people he thinks of as his parents helped him grow. Where May lives and where Harry visits. Where he sleeps at night, a house that won't be a full home until Eddie and Chris are right back to where they’re happiest. 

So his compass points towards LA. 

It’s etched into his skin and he tries to not cry during the process. Etched on the other calf, where his scars lay. Where the firetruck crushed him and the tattoo gun goes over faded but present scars. Covering and surrounding them. Not hiding them all, not hiding how he came to be today.

Blending together until it feels like coming home. 

This one he isn’t afraid to show Eddie, even if it makes him feel vulnerable, open for him to see. 

Just maybe it’ll show Eddie that they belong here, at home. 

—

When Buck shows Eddie the tattoo, Chris is in the room. He’s on the phone with them as he’s unwrapping it in the bathroom and Buck smiles when Eddie's eyes crinkle while looking at it. 

“LA is home.” Buck shrugs but there’s emotion on his face when Chris asks what it means. His leg is sore, likely because of the fact he got a tattoo over a part of his body that still gives him chronic pain but it’s worth it. It’s worth it to look at it and know he’s home. 

“You’re right.” Chris declares and looks over at Eddie, “I want to go home.” 

Eddie blinks at him, he looks frozen where he sits next to his son. 

“You’ve got a bit left of school bud.” Buck replies for Eddie. Since it seems like the man has simply stopped working, but Buck watches, after he speaks, Eddie visibly shakes himself out of whatever stupor he’s placed himself in. And Buck wishes he really wouldn’t do that and properly look after his emotions. 

But really what does Buck know, he’s getting tattoos instead of telling Eddie how he feels. 

“You want to go home?” Eddie questions and it sounds like there’s lead in his mouth, the way he says it. Drawing out each word. 

Chris nods, “Yeah, I want to spend Christmas with Buck.” And Buck swallows, meeting Eddie's eyes, they’re wet, brown and shiny with emotion. 

“Then when school lets out, we can come home.” Eddie murmurs, Buck watches his throat move, swallowing. 

“I’ll be here.” Buck smiles, and he feels a tear go down his face the moment it’s confirmed. It’s welling inside of him, “Guess I should air out that room of yours huh kid.” And Chris grins instead of telling him that he’s not one, it sends affection through him. 

“Oh yeah, oh! Can we repaint it?” Chris asks and Buck hums as Eddie just stares at them both, he won’t ask, not right now. 

“Hmmmm. If you send me the color you want I can do it before you get here.” Buck says, he feels like he can’t stop smiling. Knowing that they’ll be home, that it’s happening and they’re actually going to come home. 

“I’ll go pick one out right now.” Chris states, getting up from the chair and Buck hears his crutches as he walks away. It makes him shake his head with a laugh, unable to hide that happiness at Chris’s excitement. Such a simple thing as a new room color. 

Then it’s just him and Eddie. 

“You okay?” Buck asks, looking at him, wanting to at least make sure. 

Eddie shakes his head, and Buck watches as he runs his fingers through his hair, “Yeah,” he swallows, “Yeah, I’ve just been waiting for him to say that for months..” he shakes his head again, “Of course he’d want to come home for you.”

“It’s not just me Ed’s, but I think it’s a good excuse.” Buck says and Eddie scoffs, but it puts a smile on his face so Buck doesn’t regret it, “He must’ve just found the right time to say it out loud.” 

“Seems so.” Eddie muses and he’s staring at Buck, it feels like he’s looking into soul and it makes Buck a little nervous. Looking into someone’s eyes always makes Buck feel like an open book and with the way Eddie chases his gaze, as if he can’t look away every single time. He doesn’t think he has really ever kept a secret from him. 

Maybe he always knows. 

“I’ll get his room painted before you guys come home.” Buck says, just to say something and Eddie hums. 

“You’re really doing it?” 

“Course I am, you guys are coming back, can’t think of anything else I’d rather do than for Chris to come home to a room he likes.” 

Eddie is still looking at him, “You’re something else you know that?” 

Buck smiles a little, “I’ve heard that before, a couple of times.” Teasing because he doesn’t know how to take it. 

“Mmm but it’s true, and Chris already told me you live there now, even if we came home so guess you're going to have some roommates.”

“I’m pretty certain that’s the best news ever so.”

Buck grins, settling a hand on his chin as he says it, “Not getting kicked out of my house is a bonus to having you both here again.” 

Eddie chuckles, the sound goes through Bucks ears the way music does, “As if I’d kick you out after everything you’ve done for us.” 

Buck shrugs, feeling sheepish, “It’s not a big deal.” 

“It is to me.” 

And those words stay with him, even after Chris sends him the color he wants for his room. It’s hilariously close to the first one but different enough that he’ll paint over it. But first he has to clear things out of the way and then follow the paper drawing of the new layout the teenager wants. 

Plus he has to send a picture for approval when he’s done. Chris will forever make him laugh, he knows he will. 

So he takes his next day off and gets started. Moving furniture out into the hallway or blocking off what won’t fit through the door. Because he doesn’t really think he needs to break any furniture down, if anything he’s going to be doing one wall at a time so it’s fine. 

It’s when he’s moving the desk that something falls out of the pile of papers he forgot to move before he decided it was going. So he puts the desk back down where he had it lifted on one side to move it and goes to pick it up. 

It’s a piece of construction paper, a light blue that’s simply folded down the middle. 

The front of it reads Happy Fathers Day.

It’s in childish writing, so Buck assumes it’s older and it brings a smile to his face to find something that was for Eddie from when Chris was younger. And he pulls his phone out to take a picture of it and send it, knowing Eddie will love it, but opens it first so he can get the inside too.

The moment he’s got it open he stands there frozen. Because right there in a younger Chris’s handwriting says: 

For My Buck 

His breathing hitches and tears come into his eyes. Holding it in his hands, he doesn’t grip it any tighter but the emotions welling up in his chest take his breath away and he’s dialing Eddie's number before he can second guess himself. 

FaceTiming him and he’s not even looking at the camera when he sags to the floor, eyes still locked on the writing there. Something he never saw before today. But Chris kept it. Kept it safe enough that it doesn’t have a single crease in it besides where it folds. 

It’s got glitter all over it and he hears it when Eddie picks up, “Hey Buck what’s—-“ and Buck looks at the screen, seeing his own tearful expression and watches as Eddie turns from smiling to worried in less than a second, “What’s wrong?”  

“I—“ and he looks back at the card and a wet laugh falls out of his mouth, “Look at this.” He says and turns the camera around to shakily put it into frame. Showing the front of the card before opening it up and zooming into the words that brought up so many feelings inside of him. 

“Oh fuck,” he hears Eddie say and Buck can still see him through the camera, he’s got emotion all his face and it makes Buck let out another wet laugh. 

“He had to have been what? 8?” Buck exhales shakily and sees Eddie's head nod, swallowing and not looking away from the card, “All this time— this whole time he’s seen me as..” 

“His dad because that’s what you are, Buck.” Eddie states, as if it’s a fact, as if it’s that simple. Even though Eddie told him, he hasn’t spoken to Chris about it. Hasn’t brought it up again 

But this is all that he needs to see for it to be real. 

“Yeah, I guess I am huh.” Buck smiles; the tears running down his face. Fuck, he’s such a baby, he cries more than he ever used too and he can’t help it. Especially not with this. But he turns the camera around and looks at Eddie, and sees the man’s focus come right to him, “Can I frame it? Will he be pissed if I frame it?” 

Eddie laughs softly, “He’ll be embarrassed for sure, but you should absolutely frame it.” 

He frames it the next day, and takes a picture of it. 

But Buck knows what he really wants to do with it and makes the appointment the next day. 

When he walks in, she’s already ready for him. Buck texted her the picture when he made the appointment. And she’d teased him, asking him if it was vain to get his own name tattooed on his body but he doesn’t see it that way. Not when it’s from Chris, a Chris who thinks of him as his dad. 

It makes him miss Eddie more. 

But this tattoo is just for himself. This one will be his to have for now. On his hip, Chris’s writing goes over bone that stings horribly but it’s perfect. She gets the letters exactly how he wanted it. Imperfectly childish, and just for him to see. No one would ever see it unless he’s naked, and that’s what he wants. It’s a private tattoo, a secret he gets to hold close. 

One he finds himself trailing his fingers over on the way to a fire or when he’s feeling down. It’s a reminder that he’s important to someone else. Not that he didn’t know that, but there’s a difference. 

Chris thinks of him as his dad. 

So he keeps himself safe like a dad would. 

—

Maybe that’s why everything goes to shit again. And it’s the worst moments of his life when Bobby almost dies, he almost loses his dad. He broke down, he felt like his body was shutting down. 

It felt like he was being struck by lightning.

The pain that rattled down his entire body, watching helplessly and Bobby told him that he loved him. It felt like his entire world was crashing down as no one would move, no one would help and save him. He screamed and he cried and he was all alone. The tattoo on his ankle felt like it was burning. As if he was rotting from the inside out. 

But Bobby lived. 

He lived. 

Alive and breathing in the hospital, looking pale but Buck couldn’t stop looking at him because he was fucking alive. 

He felt like he could breathe again, sitting there in that hospital chair, watching Bobby’s chest move up and back down. Listening to the heart monitor proved to Buck over and over again that his heart was still beating. 

He sat there, staring without going home, Athena right next to him squeezing his hand as if she was afraid he’d disappear if she let go. 

As if Buck is going anywhere right now. No one could drag him out of here, not until visiting hours are over and he has to leave. Until he has absolutely no choice but to do so. 

There’s a stillness in the room from it, stagnant as they sit here. Everyone else is in the waiting room, or Chimney who’s being seen right now. Who must be feeling so damn guilty because of what happened, things that weren’t and will never be his fault. 

But Bobby is still here because of him and so Buck will forever remind him that none of it was his fault. 

Though Athena is who Buck relates to the most right now. Stuck on the outside, watching as their family is trapped with no way out. Not allowed to leave and they weren’t allowed to go inside. 

It was maddening and Buck doesn’t think he’ll ever fully be the same again. Not until Bobby is up, and out of this room. He wants to hug him tight and tell him that he can’t do that ever again. Cannot sacrifice himself because he has a family he’s leaving behind. 

He’s not allowed to go anywhere anymore. 

And Buck will tell him. He’ll tell him the moment he wakes up. 

But until then, Buck has to go home where he takes a shower and passes out. Where the world is still too much and he doesn’t want to look at his phone but also can’t look away from it just in case Athena texts him an update. 

Because she got to stay after hours. She gets to see him wake up and Buck can’t think of anyone better to keep an eye on Bobby. She deserves it, deserves to see her husband wake up and breathe and smile at her. 

So he stays glued to it and doesn’t call Eddie. Knows that the man knows, apparently Tommy of all people called him while Buck was having a mental breakdown in a hallway. 

They’re packing, they’ll be here in LA in the next couple of days. 

Buck has something he needs to do before then. Before Bobby wakes up, before anyone talks to him, or gives him comfort he desperately needs right now. He needs to get a tattoo, he needs to feel something else other than this sadness that’s mixed with relief he can’t quite feel yet. It just simmers underneath the surface. 

And he knows exactly what he wants. 

He gets up and barely remembers that he needs a jacket before he goes. Getting into the damn rental car because he still has it for some reason. Knowing he should probably go look at vehicles soon, they’re bound to want this thing back at some point. He hasn’t actually heard from his insurance again though. 

Not as though it’s really been on his mind lately. 

This is though, walking into the tattoo parlor and turning his phone around to face the artist. His normal one is busy but she recommended this guy when he walked in and Buck doesn’t care about his name, should probably ask but nothing really feels real right now so he doesn’t. 

But the guy gets started after Buck lays on his stomach. He feels the lines inking into his skin, starting at the bottom of his neck where it’ll just peak over his collar, but clearly visible if he wears a tank top. 

It goes down his back, lines and shading to make it look as real as possible. Black lines so it’s not quite the same but Buck doesn’t want it to look like markings he doesn’t have anymore, he wants a tattoo. A tattoo that makes him feel like a person again. 

And every line brings him to a moment he barely remembers helps him feel like that. It gives him serenity, a peace he couldn’t feel before. Remembering everyone telling him what happened. 

Remembers the dream he had, remembers Bobby not being there, remembers Eddie not being there and he almost didn’t have either of them. One in a more permanent way. And it settles in his chest that none of it was real. But this is. 

This life where he’s in love with his best friend, where his captain, the man who he thinks of as a dad is alive and breathing. They’re all okay, everyone’s going to be okay. 

The tattoo looks amazing when it’s done. It stops just below his shoulder blade, expands to his actual shoulder and peaks over his arm. 

It’s exactly what he wanted as he stared at the lightning strike. It’s a reminder of reality, a reality he wants to stay in, wants to live in. 

One he wants to keep forever. 

His phone rings the moment he leaves the parlor, Bobby awake. 

He goes. There’s nowhere else he’d rather be. 

—

Eddie sends him a picture of a moving truck two days later. It’s sitting outside of his house while he’s washing dishes, shirtless and still in his pajama pants but he doesn’t pay it any mind. Not as he drops the pan he was scrubbing before putting it in the dishwasher, the suds splashing as he moves. Racing to the front door and swinging it open. 

Then he sees them, standing by the back of the truck, while Eddie opens it. Not seeing him, but Chris does. 

“Buck!” He yells, it’s barely early afternoon but Buck smiles at him so wide that his jaw hurts with it. Rushing to him so he doesn’t even have to walk to Buck. 

“Chris.” He breathes, exhaling the moment he gets in front of him. Not even caring that they’re outside. He picks him up and holds him close. Relishing the fact that the teenager's hands wrap around his neck just as tightly. 

The scrape across his tattoo burns but he doesn’t pay it any mind. Just holding the boy close, not wanting him to ever leave again. 

“I missed you so much.” He breathes, and Chris tucks his face into Bucks neck. 

“Miss you too, my Buck.” And Buck, he sobs with it. Uncaring and open until he finally opens his eyes back up and is met with Eddies, staring at them so softly he might mistake it for something else. 

He mouths an emotional, “Hey.” Towards him and gets one in return. Only then is he finally letting go of Chris. Letting him stabilize himself before letting go. 

Then Eddie is opening his arms, “Don’t I get one too?” Asking, looking soft and so much better than he did the day he left. Less sad, more like himself. 

Buck launches, still carefully moving around Chris as he wraps his arms around Eddie, relishing, relaxing into the hold that comes around him in return. 

“Welcome home Eds.” Buck murmurs into Eddie's ear. Eddie squeezes tighter in response. Almost taking his breath away with it, but Buck doesn’t care. He’s certain he’d let Eddie squeeze him to death if he wanted to. 

“Good to be back Evan.” He whispers, as if it’s a secret that’s just for them as Buck pulls away from the hug, enough to look at him. 

But when he pulls back, Eddie isn’t looking at him anymore, he’s looking at Bucks shoulder and it’s then he realizes that he just hugged Eddie shirtless. 

The lightning bolt is on display, even if he can’t see the full thing. 

“Turn around.” Eddie whispers again and Buck swallows, but still doing so. Well, he didn’t see the full thing before but he does now. 

He keeps his eyes on Chris, smiling even if the emotion runs through him. Jumping a little when Eddie's fingers come up and trail the bolt, from the top to the bottom, shivering when Eddie shhs him right there in the street. 

“Evan.” Eddie says softly, “When did you do this?” 

Buck swallows, at another use of his name, “The day Bobby woke up.” Speaking softly, just as soft as Eddie and almost pouts when the man’s fingers leave him but now is not the time and they both know it. 

“I’ll call and see if anyone can help us then, doubt you’re supposed to be stretching it.” Eddie says as Buck turns back around, there’s an unreadable look in his eyes. But it clears slowly, turning into one Buck knows very well. 

They’ll be talking about this later. 

Everyone but Bobby and Athena come to help them get Chris and Eddies stuff back in the house. But they’re so forgiven that Buck doesn’t even blink, Bobby can’t do anything anyways and Buck won’t let him. He’s still in the hospital but he’s sending support through text and Buck will take that. 

Any reply from Bobby is going to be a gift for a while. 

But it’s faster when everyone comes. There’s hugs and Buck actually has clothes on now so it’s normal, he feels less exposed. He cooks and sweeps as things come into the house. There’s boxes everywhere, clothes piled on Buck's bed because he didn’t go into the spare room. Never got around to it. 

So it looks like they’re sharing but when that news arises, Eddie only shrugs. Accepting it. 

So Buck lets it go, even as his heart flips in his chest. And they eat and finish what they can until everyone is going home again and Chris properly sees his room for the first time. 

He loves it just as much as he did when Buck sent him the picture the day it got done. And the day must’ve worn him out because he falls asleep before anyone even tells him to go to bed. 

And Buck looks at him, snoring softly and thinks that this is the way it’s supposed to be. Everything feels right in his mind, in his chest. Settled in a way he hasn’t felt in months. 

But he drags himself away and Eddie is there, he’s right there on the couch and there’s a beer sitting on the coffee table, opened with the cap sitting next to it as the water build up falls down the side. 

He walks over, feeling content in his mind as he sits down. Right there next to him on the couch. It’s quiet but not a quiet that bothers Buck, one that relaxes him to his core. 

He watches Eddie, and picks his beer up off of the table and takes a drink out of it. Waiting, sitting and not minding it at all. 

Then Eddie speaks, his voice quiet, “I need to show you something.” 

So Buck turns towards him, their knees brushing and then before Buck can blink Eddie is taking his shirt off right there in the middle of the living room. 

“Um—“ Buck starts but then Eddie turns around and his breath catches in his throat, gasping as he takes it in. Right there on Eddie's shoulder blade. A mirror to his own, it’s almost as if he’s looking at his own tattoo. 

 The only difference are the colors. 

A butterfly sits there, just as his own does. Splashes of rainbow watercolor all in and around it. 

“Eddie…” Buck exhales breathlessly, his fingers reaching out to touch it before he can stop himself, “Can I..?” Holding them just out of reach until he sees Eddie nod. Then his fingers finally touch against skin, it's warm and healed. Fully healed, as it’s clearly been done for a while. “It’s beautiful.” He whispers as his fingers trace it. 

But he startles as Eddie turns back around and grabs his hand. His eyes wide but focused as he speaks, “You’re beautiful.” 

Buck inhales sharply, “I—“ 

Eddie squeezes his hand, “I missed you so much I couldn’t breathe, talking to you was the only thing keeping me sane the entire time. I couldn’t—“ the man’s throat bobs, “I couldn’t bring myself to tell you while I wasn’t here, I— Evan, I’m gay, and I want to spend the rest of my life loving you.” 

Buck squeezes his hand back, and brings the other one up to curl around it too. Eddies hands are a little bigger than his own and the thought makes him inappropriately shiver but moves on, 

“Eddie, Eddie I’m so fucking proud of you.” Buck scoots closer, “I— I can’t do this without you again, I can’t. I won’t go anywhere unless you make me, I— I love you.” 

Eddie yanks him close and kisses him. Their mouths clinging together as if they can’t even think about separating. Moving as Buck does on the couch. His knee comes up to rest over Eddies, and distantly he hears a beer bottle fall and he’ll worry about the mess that comes with it later. He can’t bring himself to care right now. 

Not as he settles himself in Eddie's lap. Wanting to be as close as possible, but it’s not as though Eddie seems to mind. As he groans against Buck's mouth, pulling him closer. As if he wants to fuse them together. 

Buck would let him, he’d let him do whatever he wanted. 

Even if they don’t go any farther that night, they kiss and hold each other close. There’s no discussion on where they’re sleeping as they settle into the bed together. They lay close, underneath the blankets. His head against Eddie's beating heart, holding him and he hopes Eddie never lets him go. 

-

Buck really hopes that he never lets him go after his most current decision. One that might actually come back and bite him in the ass. But this one time he hopes it’s literally rather than figuratively. 

He’s walking out to his new jeep. Brand new as insurance paid for him to get a new one, a gift he won’t question as he does so. Wincing a little as he sits down because it’s rubbing against his hip. The other side of his tattoo for Chris. 

One that he hopes will have a completely different reaction than the lightning strike did. He has a few hickies on his back because of it and it’s just because Eddie was so upset he couldn’t help himself. 

Maybe this will help rectify the emotions he put Eddie through because he couldn’t control himself. Couldn’t process his emotions and got them all done. But they’ve talked about it and Eddie knows about them all. Knows the reason they exist. 

But he keeps getting kissed within an inch of his life now so there’s a positive from it all. 

Buck is hoping for a slightly different reaction when Eddie gets home from his first shift back at the 118. It’s only an hour from now. An hour until Eddie will see it and Buck's leg shakes with the anticipation of it. 

He’s patient with it. Waits until after Eddie showers and is in comfortable clothes before saying anything. He keeps his shirt on and wears a pair of sweatpants that go above where the tattoo stops. And really he thinks done a damn good job hiding it. 

Not even wincing when Eddie had kissed him hello and his finger had grazed the space it sat right over. 

But now, now, Buck stands in their bedroom with his shirt off, pretending to look for a shirt to sleep in, even if they both know he doesn’t do that. But it’s a good distraction, keeps him busy until Eddie walks into the room. 

Distantly he hears him telling Chris good night. And his fingers clench as he listens, and hears Eddie's footsteps coming down the hallway. 

The man stops when he comes in the door, Buck knows he looks suspicious. He’s the worst liar on a normal day, but when Eddie is looking at him like he’s waiting for Buck to just fess up it’s over with. 

“I have something to show you.” Buck echoes eddies words from when he first came back home and it causes Eddie's eyebrow to raise in question. 

“Do you sweetheart?” And the term of endearment makes him shiver. As he knows now that Eddie had actually said that to him the day he got into a car accident. How they talked about it while Eddie was kissing against his face, pleased that he was okay. Sharing those fears. 

Buck nods and plays with the hem of his sweatpants and Eddie's eyes snap down. It makes heat curl in his gut to have that kind of reaction. 

“Yeah, cmere.” Buck says slowly and Eddie steps into the room, closing the door behind him. Then his steps are certain, long strides until he’s replacing Buck's hand with his own. Right there on the edge of his pant line. 

That’s when Eddie's hand comes in contact with the plastic wrap and Buck knows it happens, can see the way Eddie's throat bobs. 

“You got a tattoo.” The man murmurs and pulls the fabric down, just enough to uncover it. 

“I want you to take the wrapping off.” Buck whispers, and Eddie looks at him for a moment before leading him over to the bed. 

“Sit.” Eddie states and really there’s no room for argument and he does, settling on the mattress and watches with rapt attention as Eddie hums in approval, sending shivers down his spine. 

The man moves down until he’s level with Buck's hip, then he’s carefully pulling the wrap back, revealing letter after letter until it’s completely uncovered. 

“Mierda.” Eddie breathes harshly. 

And right there, written in a familiar scrawl he could recognize in the blinding darkness is, 

Diaz

The reaction is physical as Eddie's molton gaze comes back up to meet Buck's own. Trailing up his body before locking on. 

But Buck has no time to react before he moves, pushing Buck back on the bed and kissing him harshly, panting as he pulls away from it a moment later, “Maybe— maybe we’ve both lost our minds then.” 

He swallows Bucks' laugh right into his mouth. 

And with the way Bucks still gasping, Eddie's hand still locked on the edges of the tattoo when they’re done. 

He has a feeling that he liked it. 

This one just makes him know he’s home, with Eddie here and Chris down the hall. Knowing he’s loved, covered in tattoos that remind him of the people he loves the most. Specific ones for the man he hopes never lets go of home, and the teenager he can’t wait to see every single day for the rest of his life.

They were all worth it. 

One just had more benefits than the others. 

He thinks it with a breathless laugh, against his and Eddie's bed. Knowing he’s where he’s meant to be. 

Home.