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Chapter Text

Since graduation, Regulus has moved up north and towards the sea.

At least that’s what James has been told. Regulus did not tell James where he was going- he hadn’t told him much of anything at all. Maybe it was the wedding invitation or the pregnancy announcement, building resentment towards James for choosing Lily over him. It was a heavy weight to carry.

There had been something between James and Regulus. Something so tangible and elastic, something that was bright and spontaneous. It was a cupboard-kiss, behind-bookshelf kind of thing, something James figured he could get over and something Regulus sunk his claws into.

James is a sentimental bastard and he will be until he dies. When he can’t sleep, which is most nights, he’ll shuffle to the end of the hall closet and get down the box kept on the top shelf full of things from school. Lily insists it’s just shit collecting dust. Some stuff is worth keeping, but there’s no need to save the empty plastic alcohol bottle from the first party James attended with the lads at Hogwarts.

Tonight is one of those nights, he stretches up and pulls the box down as quietly as possible, grunting softly at the weight of the memories clattering in the cardboard sinking into his arms.

He sits carefully on the floor in front of the open closet and feels like a child for a reason he can’t name. He pulls out the letters and pins and drawings that sit on the top, and the deeper he goes, the more he remembers. An especially good mark on a test in McGonagall’s class, he was very proud of the note she wrote about his hard work paying off. His tie from school. A book he stole from the library, though he can’t recall why he nicked it now. A letter of recommendation from Dumbledore to The Order. Some sports stuff, some old photos, some notes he’d passed in class with Sirius or Remus or Pete. He smiled, the mess of items sprawled on the floor reminding him of his unkempt room with the boys. He would need to send for Sirius in the morning.

The world always felt like it was vaguely ending when he reread the letters from Regulus. He knew it was torture, knowingly hurting himself because he wanted to remember the feeling for even one moment. Surely, James’ memory of the torrid affair was much more vivid and compassionate than it really was, but it was his for a time and he’d remember it however he wanted to, thank you very much.

And this is why he found himself on the floor in the dark on random occasions. Squinting through his glasses, straining, just to read the curling cursive script.

James,

I’m sorry I haven’t written more this summer, though it’s really pointless because it’s not like you can send anything back.

Sometimes when I write these letters, I try to imagine what you would have written back. It’s dumb and childish, but I figured you would like the fact I thought it.

The house is okay. Summer has been okay. I’ll tell you about it later.

I will see you in a week, I’ve missed you.

-R.A.B.

James sets the letter on the floor and embarrassingly finds himself tracing over Regulus’ signature. He’s not being watched, it’s his secret ritual, why should he be embarrassed?

James should not cry, but he does. Not a sob or a weep, just a welling of tears in his eyes that slip out and wet his cheeks. He shoves the letter back in the box before he can get too lost in it. Read between the lines until the sun comes up. Look for hidden meaning in the swooping words. James starts placing the items back in the box with grace when he hears soft footsteps from behind. He frowns and his shoulders drop.

“James?”

“Lily,” James turns and she knows immediately what he was doing. Not only because she is now his wife, but because before that she was one of his best friends. Her mouth shifts downward and she slowly approaches James’ heap of nostalgia on the floor. Lily crouches beside him and offers a comforting hand on his back, and he lets her. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” She whispers, she closes her eyes for a long time and they stay like that for a while. She knows he’s been crying. He knows she does. It’s cyclic at this point.

“We can just go back to bed if you want.” James finally mumbles and Lily nods, worry crowding her brow as she stands up and glances at the cardboard box on the floor. James goes to fuss over it and Lily just shakes her head to stop him.

“It’s okay. Tomorrow’s problem.” She whispers and he nods quietly and gets up to follow her back down the hall. He is tired and his head hurts from crying and he could honestly go for some water, but as soon as his head hits the pillow it’s lights out. Lily might have said something to him before he drifted off, but he didn’t hear it.

When he would usually dream, it’s dark tonight. It’s almost like his body knows he needs a break from the what ifs. Anything too hopeful would break him and anything too sinister would only make him spiral further.

-

An hour of static sleep later, James is rolling out of bed to tend to his wailing baby. Lily instinctively rises, but James just places his hand on her shoulder to tell her that he’s got it. It’s a thing they’ve gotten good at, speaking without words. Just small actions and glances that can be instantly understood. That’s nice, James thinks. He likes to be known and understood.

He fell asleep with his glasses on, but miraculously they are on the nightstand and he is grateful for that. James feels around in the dark at the side table and grabs the glasses. He scrubs his face with his hands before putting them on and standing up, the wooden floor creaking below each step he takes.

The baby is crying and he doesn’t know why at first. He’s never been very good with children- he didn’t have any siblings and even if he did, he’s always figured he’d have been the youngest. Desperately, he yearns for Sirius to be here, to come and help sooth this little human. Sirius often knew how to handle things like this, he’d rock the babe in the perfect rhythm, humming some french lullaby and then looking at the small being with marvel as it drifted off. James had occasionally wished for a universe that it was Sirius he had fallen in love with, he was much more personable and relatable and, well, around. James Potter was not known for his good luck, however.

James picked the baby, Harry, up and inspected him to see if he could visibly see the cause of his tears. He didn’t smell anything, so he could check that off the list. He might have been hungry, but it was four in the morning, and it didn’t seem likely. James played it safe and assumed that he had just randomly woken up, and that, he could deal with.

“My, my. Aren’t you are a loud baby?” James huffs, holding Harry against his chest and cradling his small head and bottom. James hummed and shushed and swayed a bit, trying to calm the child. The crying turned to sniffing and then to nothing. James smiled to the empty room and imagined giving himself a pat on the back.

His life is quiet but safe, simple but not dead.

-

Regulus all but breaks down Barty Crouch Jr.’s door after he doesn’t respond to the loud knocking that has been going on for the past several minutes. Regulus knows his friend is a heavy sleeper, but he is just not in the mood.

Finally, Evan opens the door, which is not who Regulus was expecting, but he’ll accept.

“Reg?” The taller man questions, seeming rather confused about the fact that Regulus was standing there.

“Evan.” Regulus nods, then registers the other man’s confusion. Regulus furrows his brows and frowns as he looks up at Evan.

“I- But I thought you were in Glasgow now?” Evan sputters out, turning over his shoulder and shouting something into the relatively small flat. “Oi! Barty! Reg is here!” Evan spins back with a small bewildered grin.

“He… Barty didn’t tell you?” Regulus is still frowning. He might even be frowning more.

“Tell me what?” Evan blinks a few times as a groggy looking Barty comes into view just behind the blond man’s shoulder. His eyes widen when they land on Regulus, like he’s remembering a big thing he was meant to do. Suddenly, Regulus’ focus is shifted elsewhere and his disappointed frown turn to a nasty sneer. Much more on brand.

“I waited for an hour at the train station for you, you twat.” Regulus scowls, spitting his vitriol in Barty’s direction as Evan looks back and forth between the two.

Barty sucks air between his teeth and shrugs, walking past the door frame like he doesn’t even care his friend who has lived in Scotland the last two years is just at his door. Regulus looks up at Evan and pats him on the shoulder with a tight lipped smile before pushing past him and following Barty into the apartment after dropping his bags at the door.

“ Barty .” Regulus stopped before the man who was lounging on a small couch, trying (and somehow failing) to light a cigarette hanging from his lips. Regulus snatched the stick from his friend’s mouth and looks down at him like an upset mother (Barty would never tell him that. God knows the mental repercussions that kind of comment would have.)

“Reg, my man. How have you been?” Barty offers with a taped on smile and nervous laugh. He knows he’s about to get scolded.

“Bad.” Regulus crosses his arms and purses his lips, narrowing his eyes at Barty. “Do you know how disgusting the train station is? I don’t think you do, because if you did, you would have been more considerate and not left me there for a whole hour longer than planned for.”

“I personally think that the station is fine-“

“That is so incredibly not the point-” Regulus scowls.

“Yeah, alright! I fucked up, mate. I’m sorry,” Barty kisses his teeth and shrugs. It’s the closest to a genuine apology he’ll ever get. “But I am letting you move in with me, so maybe you should be a bit more gracious?”

“I’m sorry, you’re doing what?” It’s Evan now, popping his head in the room, his voice slightly more raised than before.

“Don’t worry about it, love.” Barty shoots over his shoulder affectionately at the blond man.

“Sorry, what the hell did I miss?” Regulus looks slightly taken aback, looking between his two friends.

-

“So, Reggie’s back in town.” Sirius says nonchalantly, staring into his coffee cup. James has to stop himself from choking on his own spit.

Hey, what the fuck? James wants to say. He wants to ask his best friend to repeat that real quick, just incase he was hearing things. He wants to jump up and run out of the house, knocking on every door in London until he finds Regulus. He doesn’t though. Because he’s a liar and a secret keeper.

“Oh, nice.” Is what he ends up saying. It’s not nice though, not really at all. James is fighting demons over his fling from school literally being in the same city as him whilst having morning coffee with said fling’s brother who is also James’ closest confidant in the world. He is a fucking adult man and still he’s feeling like someone should congratulate him in this moment for how brave he is being.

“Yeah, I mean, he didn’t say much, but he told me that he’s back in London. Called me this morning. That’s gotta count for something.” Sirius sighs, taking a long sip from his coffee and then putting his hands in his lap. James knows him well enough to know that this is a rough topic for him, even when things are good with Sirius and his brother, they are still fragile.

“Yeah, mate. For sure.” James replies reassuringly, trying not to seem too tired or too distracted. He wanted to fully be there for his friend, his very best friend whose happiness trumped everything and anything else, but it was hard these days. James found it difficult enough to get through the day without wishing he’d done something drastically different in his life, let alone step outside of himself and talk someone else through their problems. But that’s what he did, it’s what he’s always done and he wasn’t going to stop just because of his little rough patch. He knew Sirius needed it more than he did anyway. “Just give him some time. He’ll come to you when he’s ready.”

“That’s what Moony said.” Sirius looks anywhere but at James, difficult to read right now.

“Well, Moony’s usually right. You should listen to him.” James held his mug in both hands on the table, arms stretched out. He glanced over at the window, the day was just sunny and green. He’d take Harry out later if he didn’t get called into work. “Patience is a virtue, my friend.” A smile. Sirius looks up and returns it.

It’s almost twisted, how he knows both sides of the Black brothers’ relationship. James almost tells Sirius the things Regulus said about him every time he gets like this. He doesn’t though, he holds it in because it’s been too long and if on a random Sunday he decided to tell Sirius that his brother and his best mate had been together for months in secret while they were all in school, it would just end up reopening old wounds and probably creating some new ones.

“Right on, Prongs.” He’s still smiling and that means James did something right. “Now. How do you and Haz fancy a little stroll on this beautiful day?”

-

Regulus hadn’t thought of James Potter in months. Years even. Regulus also has a penchant for lying to himself.

He called his brother, reluctantly, and told him he’d be back in London. In true Sirius Black fashion, he proceeded to profusely insist that he should come over and have dinner or coffee or something. He was always trying to fix what was never unbroken.

He was sure his brother mentioned James at some point in the call, and at that point, Regulus stopped drowning out his droning and urged him to hang up, agreeing aimlessly to some form of meeting up with Sirius.

He didn’t expect the burn, a familiar feeling creeping up his throat. Something reminiscent of the promises made only in dark rooms. He slammed the phone back into place and trudged into the living room where Barty and Evan were sitting and talking.

“Okay, who pissed in your cereal?” Barty scoffs which leads Evan to promptly punch him in the shoulder and mutter something about shutting the hell up.

“I’m going for a walk, if you need me, no you don’t.”

“Damn, okay. Don’t get lost!” Barty calls as Regulus grabs his newly acquired set of keys and heads to the front door, pulling it open with more force than needed.

Regulus closes his eyes as the door slams behind him. He can still hear the two guys talking inside the apartment, but it’s too muffled to make anything out. He doesn’t care anyway. He just needs some air.

The streets are busier than he remembered. Though, he’d never spent much time in the city when he lived in London. He blew out a long breath and pressed his lips together, walking down the street with his hands in his pockets and the light summer breeze ruffling his dark curls. His hair was getting too long, he had no one to hold him accountable for it back in Glasgow.

He just walked for a bit, taking in his surroundings, making note of the places he’d care to stop by when he had the time. It was nicer when he didn’t have anyone he needed to entertain or be entertained by. London was nice, but he already missed Scotland. Too many reminders of his past lingered here. Sure, he was closer to school in Glasgow, but it never felt like home.

While walking, his gaze falls on a set of children playing football in a garden fenced off from the sidewalk. His heart faintly twitched, even at this point in his life. When he was younger, he always felt out of place when he visited the city with his family of dark robes and overly formal accents. He was brought up steel-faced and pragmatic, it would always be strange for him to see kids just being kids.

“Regulus Black, as I live and breathe.”Regulus turns his head fast at his name, a bit intrigued and slightly more horrified. A shorter woman with dark skin and even darker hair all twisted and wrapped up in elaborate braids looked up at him with a cheeky grin. “Barty had said you’d be in town, I thought he was taking the piss.” She wraps her long slender arms around Regulus, who reciprocates politely. It is only Dorcas, of course.

“Yeah, I’m staying with him for a while, at least until I can find a place.” Regulus shrugs coolly. He doesn’t show it, but he’s desperately pleading that she won’t make a big deal out of it. She’d actually been the first person he told that he was actually planning on settling down here.

“Find a place? So you’re moving back to London?” Right .

“I guess so. I needed a change of scenery.” Regulus stays dismissive because he can, because it’s all he’s good for.

“Have you spoken to Sirius? God, Reg. Have you spoken to James?” And okay. Opening that can of worms was not on his docket for the day. He actually planned on shoving that can to the back of the cabinet and forgetting it was there.

The easy answer was no . He hadn’t spoken to James, not since the wedding, and frankly he didn’t plan on it. London was a big place and as far as Regulus knew, James didn’t even live in the city proper, so the chances of them running into each other felt so small and so insignificant. Ignore, ignore, ignore. If he can’t see him, he’s probably not there.

“I spoke to my brother, yes.” And it must’ve been something in his tone that made Dorcas’ eyebrows furrow and lips twist into a frown.

“Okay. Jesus. Why don’t we go get a coffee or something, yeah? You busy?” Her hand finds itself featherlight and comforting on his shoulder, dropping it almost as quick as she raised it.

“I could go for a cup of coffee. Or something.”

Dorcas smiles and Regulus is suddenly so incredibly grateful that he decided to move home.

Chapter Text

One year and six months ago,

Three weeks before the wedding.

“He’s been… off. I don’t know how to explain it.” James could hear Sirius’ voice through the floorboards. It was an old house, he’d lived in it since he was young and before that it was his grandparents’, before that it was his grandparents’ parents’- and so on. Each door hinge creak told a different story and every squeaky stair spoke of unity. It was to be his next, when his parents died, which was not a thought he often entertained. Part of James believed his parents would live forever, watch him grow old and become the man of the house. Sure, James would take over, but his parents would be there too. Just somewhere in the background.

What James was currently working through in his head as he lied face down on his bed was that he did not see his wife-to-be anywhere in that picture. And it’s a fucking joke really, he had fought like a dog for her, basically since he knew what attraction was. He doesn’t know when he stopped wanting Lily Evans, it was just like a switch one day.

It wasn’t fair. To her, to himself, to his family, to anyone. And he really did love Lily, just in a far different way than he had before. So he’d marry her, of course he would. She was his best friend after the lads, sometimes before them given the situation, but God forbid that got back to James’ friends.

“Just, be gentle with him. You know he can be sensitive.” He heard his mum say back to Sirius. James turned his face into his pillow and groaned. She was a precious soul and a great woman, but he wished she could let him fight his own battles sometimes. Even when, in times like these, he had no idea what to do. He thinks he ought to try and figure it out himself, or at least be included in the conversation.

“Sure, Effie.” Sirius responds, sounding pensive. He gets that way when he is worried, all introspective. “Though I think you should talk to him. You’ve got a better chance of getting to him than me, believe it or not.” And still he jokes, even with the slight waver in his voice. James suspects his mum just nods, or smiles, because he doesn’t hear anything else and in a minute there’s a knock on the door.

“Come in.”

“Oh, James, love.” His mother enters his room, and walks to the bed, sitting down beside him while he lays face down still. “You know, even with your father, I was petrified to get married.” She starts to scratch his back like she did when he was little to make him fall asleep and he feels small again, just for a moment. Then he’s crushed by reality about a second later.

“I’m not scared.” James says into the pillow.

“No? Then what’s bothering you?” The biggest problem with that question is that he has no clue himself. Now that his mother is asking him, he feels double the pressure to figure it out. He knows he’s facing some sort of conflict about not wanting to marry Lily, but he can’t determine why. (Well, he has a few ideas, but he’s been conveniently ignoring those thoughts by filing them away immediately.)

“I don’t…” He hesitates, he doesn’t want to say something that he can’t take back. He wants to get married, he does, he always has. But…

“You don’t…?” He turns his head and looks at her. She’s not old, but she’s definitely aged. The lines from her nose to her mouth have become deeper and her eyes more sunken. Her hair more gray and wiry than black and silky. Then her skin, once vibrant and soft, a deep brown, now paler and much less supple. James smiles when he sees his mother’s face.

“I just. I love her.”

He really does.

“I know you do.” Part of him hates how tender her voice sounds, how much she loves this for James because it just makes him feel like more of an asshole for wanting something different. That part of James, he hates. He wants to suppress it at all costs and keep the evil part of himself down. Protect everyone from it so nobody else will be hurt. He’s done his fair share of damage.

“Lils, she’s great. I can’t- It’s not what my heart wants anymore though. I guess.” And his mom stares. For a few seconds. Damn James Potter and his honesty and courage. Too earnest for his own good.

“O-kay.” She draws the word out like it’s the hardest thing she’s ever done. With a frown, she pulls her hands together in her lap and James takes this as a sign to sit up. “What does your heart want then?”

She shouldn’t sound like she understands. She should call him a damn fool and smack him across the face, tell him exactly what he’d be giving up if he walked out now. Euphemia Potter, unfortunately, is not and never has been that kind of mother. James selfishly wishes she was though, just for a moment, so he could have someone for once tell him what he was doing was wrong or bad. It felt like all he did was golden in the eyes of the people around him.

“I don’t know. I don’t know.”

Then he cries. And that’s not something he does often, despite having always been  a boy who was very in touch with his emotions, he could probably count all of the times he’s cried in the past decade on ten fingers. He cries now though and his breathing gets a little bit erratic, but this is nothing new. He cries now because what else is he supposed to do? Because in three weeks he’s getting married . Because what if he wants something else? Because he’s got no clue what he wants. Because the last time he was sure of anything, he was 18 at school, dicking around all day. Because he misses his friends and being in school but he’s so grown now and there’s no way to go back. Because he still wants to go back. Because he—

“James? It’s okay. Just breathe, love. It’s okay, I’ve got you.”

He hears his mother’s voice resurface over the waves of chaos in his mind. He opens his eyes, which he doesn’t even remember shutting or closing so tightly that he could still see the backs of his eyelids when he looks to his mother for comfort.

“Mum?” He almost doesn’t recognize his own voice when he speaks. He sounds scared, small. His hands come up and wipe the tears from his cheeks and he hates that he’s startled by how big his hands are, how rough and calloused they feel against his skin. James just takes off his glasses and scrubs at his eyes again, harder. Trying to ignore the feeling.

“Hey, it’s okay, love. We’re not gonna make you do anything you don’t want to. Remember that.” She speaks subdued and  soothingly, trying her best to reassure her son. “But, if you are having doubts, you have to talk to Lily. Promise me you’ll do that.” Effie takes his hands from his face with care and holds them between the two of them for just a second before squeezing them, dropping them, then leaning forward to embrace James tightly. He quickly responds, wrapping his arms around his mother so firmly, like he’s scared she might run away.

“I promise.” James murmurs into the crook of his mother’s neck, a small secret oath, one he knows he won’t keep.

-

Present day.

“So, How have you been?”

“Um… I would say that I’ve been better?” Regulus sighs, his chin propped up on the heel of his hand as he sits across from Dorcas in a quaint coffee shop with plants adorning the walls.

“Okay, okay. Ever the optimist I see.” She presses her lips together, quickly thanking the girl who comes over and sets down an elegant looking latte on the table in front of her. “How was Glasgow?”

“It was fine. Fun. Nice.” Regulus replies, already hating the small talk. He knew it was mandatory for the whole haven’t-seen-my-friend-in-two-years catch up, but it’s not like they weren’t in touch while he was away. Phones do exist.

“Hm. Alright, so don’t tell me anything. Whatever.” She shrugs and taps her nails against the table, acting bored. Regulus already knows that she won’t be able to stay quiet for long, so instead of feeding into her bit, he stays silent, nodding when the same barista comes back with his drink. “Oh, piss off.”

“I didn’t say anything.” Regulus takes a sip of his tea latte and hums in approval. Some snobbish traits are just in him by nature, not nurture.

“You didn’t say anything, and that said everything.” Dorcas crosses her arms, looking at him with a feigned expression of betrayal.

“Sure. How’s that girl you’re seeing then?” Regulus rolls his eyes and changes the topic smoothly, trying his best to avoid the center of attention.

“You know her name and you know she’s my girlfriend. Also we’re not talking about me.” She’s right. About both things, but the first one is what makes Regulus look somewhat guilty. He doesn’t even dislike Marlene, he actually thinks she’s quite funny and she knows how to stand up for herself, which he respects. He just catches himself acting like an asshole out of instinct sometimes, like he would’ve done in school. Old habits die hard, or whatever it is they say. “But she’s good. If you actually care.”

“I do.” Regulus frowns, the mood feeling considerably dampened.

“Well. We can talk about what I’ve been up to later. You’re the man of the hour, Reg.” She sounds like she’s shaking something off, getting more spirited as she speaks. They both sip their drinks in sync and he figures the least he can do is throw her a bone.

“What do you want to know?” Regulus groans, like revealing any information from his private life to one of his closest friends is a form of torture. Dorcas grins at his words though, biting her lip and looking away like she’s suddenly in deep thought.

“I mean… If you insist…” She sighs loudly, still glancing around the room, brainstorming what she wants to ask. Regulus’ face twists into a grimace.

“I actually didn’t-“

“Tell me about your friends there.” She raises, her voice heightened by interest. “I know Pandora of course… and that Greengrass girl, she was in school with us, wasn’t she?”

“Cerci, yeah. She was in my year. She’s in Scotland full time, and as you know, Dora just goes up there for the summer holidays.” Dorcas hums, leaning over the table in interest as Regulus speaks. He feels on the spot, a feeling he would really rather not experience, but he tells himself it’s nice to have someone care so much. He was working on appreciating things like that more. “There were others. I mean, I didn’t live there for two years and only have two friends.”

“Okay… do tell…”

“I hung out with this group of people who really, sometimes annoyingly, reminded me of my brother and his friends for the most part. Malcolm, Trinity, Declan, and Leo. I don’t know really what to say, I spent a lot of time with them.” Regulus recalls, pursing his lips as he thought. Dorcas nodded intensely, though his words held little meaning, shaking her head at him to go on. He looked confused and maybe even a bit scared.

“They’re all my age, except for Malcolm, he’s a year older, so he would like get illegal things for us the first year.” Regulus looked down into his cup with a smile, almost certainly subconscious. “You would like him, he’s a very stand up guy. Funny too.”

“I’m sensing a vibe?” Dorcas shoots him a  knowing glare because she knows her friend, but also because he’s making heart eyes at his latte like it’s a “stand up” Scottish boy.

“No vibe.” Regulus snaps his head up, deadpanning as soon as he catches himself in thought.

“Maybe a little bit?”

“There was a ‘vibe’. I guess. There isn’t now.” Regulus gives in with a huff, knowing if he doesn’t reveal something about his love life now, she’ll just ask later. “We decided we’re better as friends.”

“Right. Of course you did.” She narrows her eyes with introspection, like she’s putting a puzzle together. “So are you going to show me a picture, or do you hate me?”

Regulus rolls his eyes and pulls out his phone, searching his camera roll for a picture with his friends in it. He decides on one with three figures in it, sets the phone on the table between them, then zooms in on a round faced girl with two blonde plaits and great big blue eyes. Her face is flushed and freckled and her arm is swung around Regulus in the photo.

“That’s Trinity.” Regulus isn’t smiling in the picture, and frankly he doesn’t really look like he’s enjoying himself at all, but the fact that he’s there and letting this girl touch him is proof enough that he was happy. Dorcas knows him well enough to know this.

As he swipes over on the picture, he reveals a taller man stood beside him. He’s broad shouldered and grinning widely. He looks devastatingly familiar, and it doesn’t go unnoticed by Dorcas.

“Is that him? Malcolm?” She looks to the screen then to Regulus. Then back to the screen. His face is slightly slimmer, his hair is cropped neater and his skin is darker, but it’s no question that this man resembles James Potter.

“Yes.” Regulus takes a sip of his tea latte, seeming puzzled, then realizing what she means. “How’d you know?” He seems unfortunately aware now. Like he wants her to say it.

“Well…”

She doesn’t even finish the sentence: Just shoots him a sidelong look and sips her coffee contemplatively.

-

James was unemployed as of last Monday.

He had been a paralegal, working towards an attorney’s position at The Order, an elusive firm partially owned and operated by Albus Dumbledore, who James knew as the headmaster of Hogwarts.

A combination of factors contributed to the downfall of James’ passion. A large portion was due to the mental toll of the Death Eater Case. He saw the power of corruption, the sorrows of suffering, and the lack of compassion from hateful people. It was harrowing, and made him realize that he was too young to be in the position he held. He hadn’t even gone through university, Dumbledore just offered him the position because they were desperate for men in this case, and he was in a hard spot as a man in power. He could send his seasoned employees out, and possibly get them injured, traumatized, or killed: Or he could recruit these four young men who he knew were loyal, hardworking, and committed to the cause.

It was something James didn’t fully understand then, and he still doesn’t really grasp it now. He’d always found Dumbledore to be an honest man and generous soul, so the idea that his offer could have any ulterior motives made James feel sort of sick.

James also felt himself slipping. A big wave hovering over him, threatening to blow him down and flood his life at any moment. He needed time. Time he never had to find himself and figure his own shit out. If that happens after he’s married and has a child, then that’s when it will happen.

Sirius was in full support of this. He’d left The Order a year ago, but was already enrolled in university and was starting his new life. Remus too. It was constricting and time-stealing. They were just too young, too barely started on life to be thrown into professional limbo, which is what his job became after the Death Eaters Case. He had a title, but was basically an assistant. Everything felt ten times slower and he felt like he was already 40 years old.

So now James was unemployed. Peter was the last one still hanging on at the firm, however unpleasant it may be, they all knew he was too much of a people pleaser to ever quit his job

James tried to make the most of his new time, granted it had only been a week, but he already felt even more useless than before since he wasn’t contributing anything to the house. Lily worked as a teacher at a private school in town, so she was on holiday currently, with it being summer. She still received her salary’s paychecks through the summer months, per her contract, but money wasn’t necessarily flowing in for the pair.

James knew his parents would support them if they needed help, they would pay for everything if he and Lily would let them. Of course, they would never accept that, but it was a kind gesture. They were kind people.

And today he is going to find a job. Because James Potter is too proud to be unemployed.

Chapter Text

In the Potter House’s living room is currently James, Lily, Marlene, and Mary, all huddled in a circle like some sort of weird cult around James’ ancient laptop— browsing for his new job.

“Why didn’t I bring my computer? This thing is from like, 70 years ago.” Mary groans, smacking the screen as it buffers a few seconds too long for her liking.

“Hey, be careful. This is vintage.” Lily retorts, throwing her hands out like she’s going to protect the laptop.

James rubs his face a few times and takes a sip of his wine, maybe the third glass of the evening. He was feeling loopy and honestly like the job search might be a bust at this point. Sirius and Remus had Harry tonight at least, and that took a small load off of his shoulders.

“Ladies, ladies. Calm down. This bad boy might have some years on us, but it gets the job done.” James pushes past the girls’ hands and starts to type on the laptop, the screen suddenly coming to life. Marlene’s face twists up into a scowl.

“Alright, what the fuck? James clearly has some weird ass connection with this laptop because that piece of shit’s been loading for like ten minutes and suddenly he’s hacking the damn mainframe or something.” Marlene rants, the wine evidently getting to her as she seems truly bewildered by James’ relationship with his computer. “Lily, you should be fucking worried.”

“He’s passionate about his hobbies.” Lily frowns, almost like she’s holding a laugh in.

“He’s a freak.” Marlene narrows her eyes in James’ direction as he is hunched over the laptop, locating the fourth website of the night promising boundless job opportunities in the area.

“He’s also right here and has working ears?” James’ head perks up at Marlene’s ceaseless suspicion and cruelty, but that’s just their friendship. The kind where they can poke fun at each other all day— but if anyone else dared to, it would be war on all fronts.

“My fault, Jimmy. Carry on.”

James scrolls on the site aimlessly, his vision blurred and mind cloudy. As he scans the listings, almost everything interesting to him required a bachelor’s degree, which he did not possess. It was discouraging, sure, but he would just have to work harder. Find a way to work his way up in a career rather than starting at the top. He could do it. He could do it and the alcohol definitely wasn’t giving him false confidence.

He was down on his luck and getting hopeless. Nothing was promising and they were all a bit too sloshed to focus on any one thing for too long.

“I give up.” He groans, slamming the laptop down and laying down on the floor.

“Gentle with your computer companion, James.” Mary raises her brows, stifling a giggle. James rolls his eyes and flips her the bird, draping his other arm over his eyes. Being wine-drunk often made him sleepy; he was just happy that he was with the girls. Had he been with Sirius, Remus, and Peter, they’d be throwing him out the window before they’d let him fall asleep this early.

“You’ll find something, love.” Lily presses her lips together and squeezes his hand affirmatively, reassuring him with a gentle smile.

“Gag me.” Marlene fake-retches obnoxiously, shaking her head and looking utterly sickened.

“Disgusting. I hate couples.” Mary adds, continuing the sentiment. Lily looks to them with a glare that could kill and James only laughs. He laughs a laugh that warms his cheeks and stretches his smile. Lily seems a bit nervous that he’s so amused, until Marlene starts cracking up too, throwing her head back and squeezing her eyes shut. Mary busts out into a fit of giggles too shortly after, then Lily after that.

They all heave and sigh, wiping tears from their eyes, enjoying a good senseless drunken laugh together. And for a second, James forgets his anxiety about his joblessness and his inability to change and the fact that Regulus is back in London. He forgets that all, catching his breath on the living room floor with some of his best mates in the world.

For a second, everything is golden.

-

When Regulus came home from seeing Dorcas, Evan and Barty were gone.

He didn’t know and frankly was not very interested in where they were, he was tired and wanted some time to himself. It was getting exhausting, having to constantly explain his situation and how he was and what Glasgow was like. Small talk and Regulus Black were not friends.

He busied himself, unpacking some of his stuff, snooping around the place a bit, and finally taking a quick shower before plopping on the couch with a sigh. Regulus Black hated to have nothing to do.

He’d spotted the cigarette he pulled out of Barty’s mouth yesterday laying on the floor and was twirling it between his fingers now, eyes fixated on the wall across from him. If anyone walked in right now, they might think he’s gone insane.

Regulus hadn’t smoked in months, his stress levels being relatively low while being away from the main catalysts of his stress, believe it or not. Now, he climbed out the small window in the main room, sitting on the fire escape and lighting the cigarette. Up here, everything seemed small when looking down, little people each with little lives. Regulus never felt very big, but right now, he was alone and might admit to himself that he liked the idea of taking up space.

The sun was starting to set and the tang of the nicotine was bringing back school day memories of sneaking out after curfew and watching the stars come into view. He looks up now, trying to find himself and Sirius. The other stars with names his cousins and aunts and uncles share are there too, but seemingly less important. It’s the closest to a family reunion that the Black family will get.

Interrupting his introspection, a text on his phone, lighting up his face as he acknowledged it. His brows furrowed and he held the cigarette loosely between his fingers, bracing himself on the metal step he was seated on.

James

hey imm sporry abt a lot of hthings

ur basck in lindon

imm not mad

can you aldo not be mad pls also

Regulus shut his phone off as soon as he read the last message and he slammed it down on the grated steps with a shaky breath. Of course, of-fucking-course , the first he hears from James, he’s absolutely trashed. Sounds absolutely right and fair.

He doesn’t respond. It’s not the first time he’s been drunk texted, he’s just grateful it wasn’t a phone call this time. The best he can offer is to ghost, responding to the messages will only make things worse. Regulus tells himself that. He tells himself that as he takes another long drag of his cigarette and scrubs at his eyes with the heels of his hands. His phone lights up again and he all but groans.

James

ignorinv me

likely tghing for u too do

call me pleasr

Fuck actually off so hard right now.

Despite James asking Regulus to call him , his phone rings loudly in a few seconds, James’ name glowing at the top of the screen.

He hates himself.

“Are you okay?” Regulus speaks into the phone, which actually feels a lot like a black hole, eating his dignity and self respect right up.

“You’ve picked up?” Regulus’ eyes fall shut at James’ voice. Like a big brick hitting him on the back of the head, he almost folds and tells the other man to tell him exactly where he is this minute.

“Yes. Are you okay, James?” He doesn’t fold though. He remembers to stay cold and distant. He picked up because what if James is in trouble? What if he’s drunk and hurt or something, that’s why he picked up the call. Absolutely no other reason.

“Hi.” James is speaking soft and slurring his words. He seems so utterly joyed that Regulus actually answered, even though he’s only said eight words.

“Hello. You aren’t out are you?” Regulus replies, trying his best to not entertain any drunken thoughts that James might express.

“Nah. Just had a bit of wine. S’okay.” James’ voice is muffled, like he’s laying on something.

“Where’s Lily?” Regulus whispers into the phone, trying to hide his indignation towards her.

“She’s sleeping. Shh.” James giggles— actually fucking giggles —and Regulus catches himself with a smile forming quietly on his lips.

“So… then why did you call me?” Regulus gets himself in check, deducing that if he didn’t call because he needed help, he must’ve called for something else. Seems unlikely he just wanted to say hello. (Well, he wouldn’t put it past James, but he wants to give him the benefit of the doubt.)

“I know you are mad at me.” After a beat of silence, James speaks and he sounds like a child. Regulus takes the last drag of his cigarette and puts it out, letting out a huff.

“James—“

“I miss you. I’m glad you’re back home.” James insists, his voice a bit shaky from the alcohol, but still tender. Regulus hates it. He hates the way his heart swells and he blinks a few times, having to register the words. He’s alone and scared but can feel warmth and affection through the phone and he hates that.

“James, this is not a conversation to have right now.” Regulus pushes, his fingers gripping the step he’s sitting on now.

“When will it be the right time? You just keep ignoring me.” He’s pouting, his words wavering with more than just intoxication. He’s emotional.

“Maybe there’s a good reason, James. Use your brain.” And they both know he’s right. James has a whole life, entertaining this infatuation he has with Regulus is a waste of time and energy. What does he expect in the long run? James is going to leave his wife and child so he can live out his schoolboy fantasy? Even if that was a thought worth considering, he’d get fed up and tired in a few days and wish he still had his mundane life, Regulus knows it. He thinks James knows it too, deep down.

“Reg—“

“I shouldn’t have answered your call. Just— don’t do this again, James.” Regulus is stern now, not even trying to be cold but instead it’s just happening. He’s angry. He’s frustrated. How can James be so selfish?

“Don’t be like that, love.” And it’s the last straw. He wants to scream at James and tell him to get lost then throw his damn phone into the street, but he doesn’t. Regulus collects himself and takes a breath.

“Goodbye.” Icy. Heavy. Taut.

“Regul—“ The line dies before James can get out another word.

-

One year and six months ago.

Two weeks before the wedding.

“You should come. It would really mean a lot to him.” Sirius sounded stressed over the phone, the wedding of his best mate was a very taxing affair, both mentally and physically.

“I’ll think about it. I might be busy.” Regulus sighed, picking at a loose thread on his shirt and sitting on his bed while watching snow fall out the window. He was most definitely not busy and would one hundred percent be right here, in Scotland, getting dunk out of his mind and forgetting that James ever existed.

“He’ll want you there. I want you there, Regulus.” Lies , Regulus thought. Sirius didn’t even know the half of how much James would not want him there. As for his brother wanting him there though, that part was probably true.

“Okay.” Regulus was done with this conversation. They both knew he would not be back in London for James’ wedding. It was pointless for Sirius to keep trying.

“You’re being very difficult.” Sirius huffed, then speaking unintelligibly to someone else in the room with him.

“Goodbye, Sirius.” Regulus urged, pulling the phone from his face to hang up.

“I love you.” He heard his brother call from below before hitting the big red button.

He felt vaguely bad for both being irritated  by Sirius and not wanting to go to James’ wedding. But it made sense. He knew Sirius would get over it, it’s not as though they were ever particularly close— if anything, they were always on the outs with one another. Regulus was always put off by the people Sirius spent time with in school and Sirius was generally pissed at Regulus for sticking by the side of their jointly cruel parents. It was strange to Regulus that now that their parents were dead, Sirius was set on reconciliation.

As for James, the guilt was more based in his resentment. He did have a sense of responsibility for the way that things turned out, but he still blamed James for the lot of it. Regulus might have been the one that got away, but James was the one who let go. Maybe it wasn’t fair for him to look at it that way, but it worked and he slept soundly at night knowing that he was the one who was wronged.

In his mind, from here, James was a problem he’d never have to deal with again. The weight of everything was stored safely behind a locked door in his head that he had no plans of opening.

He’d be lying if he said he didn’t miss it though. As he stared at the thick white globs of snowflakes coming down, he wondered if it was already snowing in London. A bad feeling came from nowhere and settled in his chest, right over his heart. It whispered to him, in synchronicity with his pulse: You will never be that happy again . And he believed it.

-

Present day.

James woke up on his kitchen floor and could feel the thrumming in the front of his head as soon as he opened his eyes. He didn’t quite know why he was not in his bed or why he was on the kitchen floor of all places, but it came to him in a matter of seconds. Hitting him like the memory of a bad dream, and briefly he prayed that’s all it was.

He still fumbled around, feeling for his phone on the tiles as he yawned loudly. When he got his hands on the device, he sat up and looked at the bright screen, squinting and groaning like a vampire in the sun.

Lo and behold, his masterful and very well-articulated drunk texts to Regulus were real and staring him dead in the face, taunting him like a joke that he doesn’t find funny.

He covers his agape mouth and rubs at his jaw, coming to the realization that— this is real and did indeed happen. He fully intended to do everything in his power to stay away and not engage— but apparently everything in his power is not very much.

Frantically, his first thought is how to fix this, but he comes up short. His head falls back against the cabinets and he groans. There is no good way to go about this now. He’s gone and made an awful situation worse.

He’s just decided to never getting drunk again. Not only did he fail at finding a job, he also broke the promise he’d made to himself. To not regress into his old fucked up habits of living some secret double life with his best friend’s brother. James already had the pressure of his school days weighing on him, the interactions between then and now, but this was just the icing on the cake. James Potter was going to break.

“James? Why are on the floor?”

Lily dragged herself into the room, looking around the corner of the frame that lead to the main hall. James scrambled, his hands feeling suddenly really warm and his throat tight.

“Have you seen my glasses?” He didn’t answer her question. His eyes hurt somehow and his head throbbed, but he still had the overwhelming feeling of regret and doom towering over all of that.

“Um- Yeah. On the counter.” She responded but yet she stepped forward and grabbed his glasses and handed them to him, squatting down and sitting next to him against the cabinets. “I’m sorry we didn’t find anything last night.”

“It’s okay, Lils. I’m just— I hate feeling useless like this.” James sighs, wiping his glasses with the bottom of his shirt and putting them on, his eyes readjusting to being able to actually see. “The Order fucked us all over, but at least we were doing something meaningful.”

“Hey. I know I said it last night, but I mean it. We will find you something. Get your groove back, yeah?” Lily smiles, nudging him with her shoulder.

“Um, I never lost my groove, thank you very much.” James retorts, sounding mildly offended, though it’s all jokes.

“Anything you say, Potter.” Lily hums, leaning her head against his shoulder. He looks over at her bright red hair and feels his heart rattle beneath his ribs. It’s guilt.

“I’m gonna get some water. You want some?” James pushed up from the floor before he started sweating or crying or something.

“Please.” She snorts, oblivious to James’ tension as he stood up. “Also you have to get Harry from Remus and Sirius later, don’t forget.”

“Got it.” James swallowed, handing Lily her water and gulping his down alarmingly fast. His mouth was so incredibly dry, and he couldn’t tell if it was from waking up hungover or from the fact he is lying to his wife’s face. Probably both.

James realizes now that there is no way to fix this. Regulus is back in London.

Oh shit, Regulus is actually back in London.

Chapter Text

Remus came to get Regulus from the apartment.

He really felt more like he was being kidnapped, but it was whatever. He’s always liked Remus, and his mind was elsewhere anyway.

I miss you. I’m glad you’re back home.

Home. What a fucking joke. Regulus very was far removed from the word and part of his resentment for Sirius lied in the fact that he knew his brother had reclaimed the word. Home was no longer a kaleidoscopic mess of broken glass and bloody walls for Sirius, but a warm body beside him within four walls the two could call their own. Regulus was jealous, to say the least.

He vaguely remembered telling Sirius he would meet him at some point to do something and talk about stuff, but the plans must have been more set in stone than Regulus can recall. Whatever; that seemed to be the mantra for the day.

It was a hot day on top of everything and that only pissed Regulus off even more. Especially since he primarily wore dark colors and his skin typically burned to a crisp more than it ever tanned into a nice bronze. He hated being sweaty and attacked by bugs and the smells of the city amplified by the heat beating down on it.

Regulus Black hated the summertime.

“Alright, Reg?” Remus tried to speak softly, but somehow his voice still sounded a bit harsh and too deep— but that was hard to avoid with his Welsh accent. Thank to Remus’ generally pleasant disposition though, it didn’t matter much that his voice was too hard for his words.

“Sure. I just don’t like the heat.” Regulus replied, his eyes transfixed on the moving objects out the window. Made him think about how they really weren’t moving at all, it was all just the car.

“Got it. S’shame because we had a whole day of outdoor activities planned just for you. Mountain climbing, spelunking, all that.” Remus chimes back, a smile tugging on his lips, but his words sounding absolutely serious.

“Fuck off.” Regulus scoffs, glancing over at Remus with a quizzical glare. “What is spelunking?”

“You know, like cave exploration? Great stuff, you really have to try it.” Remus stays focused on the road as he speaks nonchalantly, like Regulus really should’ve known this.

“ You’ve explored caves?” Regulus’ face twists up in disbelief, turning to Remus, unsure if he’s lying or not.

“Sure. Why haven’t you?”

“Because that sounds scary and dangerous and like something I am very uninterested in.” Regulus quickly explains like he’s had his reasons ready since he started this conversation. “I’m sorry, what caves have you been exploring, exactly?”

“Oh, it was mostly when I was a kid. My dad’d just throw me out in the woods behind our house with a flashlight and a knife and tell me to go find some caves. Get some cool shit. See if it’s anything valuable.” Remus shrugs and recalls his past with a sigh, and then, proceeds to go quiet and continue driving.

“What the fuck?” Regulus blurts out in the silence. Because actually, what the fuck?

“Don’t knock it ‘til you try it. It was loads of fun.” The cave diving wasn’t even what Regulus was shocked by at this point, but it was not something he felt like prying about. If anything, it was amusing. It wasn’t like he was new to strange parent-child relationships.

“Sorry. I am knocking it. Unfortunately.” Regulus mumbles, curling his lips at the idea of himself spelunking .

“Your loss.” Remus sighs, turning down a street Regulus recognizes from when Sirius sent him pictures of his new place.

“A loss I am willing to accept.” It’s more of a grumble, as Regulus was now realizing that since Remus picked him up, Remus would dictate when he went home. Sure, he could just leave and take public transportation— but who knows what that would do to his brother’s already fragile ego.

“Home sweet home.”

Fuck that and you and all of this , Regulus thinks, something curling up in his stomach like disgust or loneliness. But— he really does like Remus, so he doesn’t say it.

Sirius and Remus’ place is nice. It’s the bottom floor of an old brick building, which originally had worried Sirius, but once he was reassured that no ceilings would be falling on him and that the air conditioning did indeed work (most of the time), he was sold.

When Regulus stepped in, it smelled like his brother and he’d be damned if that fact alone made him cry. Sirius got out. He found home. Fuck .

“Sirius! Your brother is here!” Remus called through the flat, his voice loud and heavy as it was intended to be.

When Sirius came around the corner with a baby, Regulus almost pukes.

“Reg! I-“ Sirius approaches him with a smile, which very quickly turns worried as he sees his brother’s alarmed eyes focused on the baby wrapped around him. “Oh, right! The baby! Remus, the baby! God— can you imagine what he’s thinking?” Sirius laughs loudly, looking to Remus like Regulus isn’t even there.

“Hi, I’m right here and currently I’m thinking what the hell did I miss?” Regulus’ eyebrows are deeply furrowed, his mouth slightly agape. He’s thinking the worst obviously— his brother and Remus somehow acquired a child and did not tell him.

“Regulus, don’t worry, he’s not ours.” Regulus only looks more confused, slightly concerned actually. “No- I mean- this is Harry, James and Lily’s spawn.”

Oh.

Right.

Of course.

Why didn’t he think of that?

Now Regulus was certainly going to be sick. Sirius spun the baby around, holding the tiny boy with his back against Sirius’ chest, his one hand braced against Harry’s stomach and the other supporting him from underneath. Harry. James’ son. A real breathing baby.

And he was almost going to die over how much he looked like his father. Little black curls all unruly and ruffled, hair with a mind of its own. Just like James. Umber skin like wood after getting rained on. Just like James. Big round eyes with thick dark lashes surrounding them. Just like James.

And a hazel stare looking up at Regulus. Reminiscent of spring, like new life sprouting from old dirt. He was all there, and yet he still had Lily staring back at him.

“Right. Harry. Hello.” It also should be noted that Regulus was completely clueless when it came to babies. He always told people didn’t really care for children— too loud and too messy— but his actual experience with kids was few and far between.

“Oi, Reg, he’s just a baby. Don’t look so scared.” Sirius peers down at Harry and grins, he looks proud enough that the baby could be his. Regulus knows Remus is watching his brother with a smile, despite not being able to see the taller man. “He’s won’t bite. Probably.”

Regulus huffs and ogles at the child. He leans down, his hair falling slightly into his face and Harry takes this as a sign to brazenly reach out and tug at Regulus’ dark curls. Harry smiles a toothy little smile, his tiny fists tugging on the hair as Regulus just stares at him. A small person.  A tiny little man with a soft head and petite hands and feet and short chubby legs. A baby. His baby.

“Why do you have James’ baby?” Regulus raises his head, gently prying Harry’s grip from his hair. The exclusion of Lily in the possession of Harry goes unnoticed by Sirius and Remus, and he’s grateful for their cluelessness.

“Oh well, we’re sort of the designated nannies for old Haz here.” Sirius eyes the baby like he’s a full time job. “Don’t worry, Prongs should be here any second to pick him up.”

James. Here. Soon. That’s fine.

Regulus thinks that Remus must have noticed the change in his behavior— the way he literally stopped breathing and looked like he was trying to swallow an abnormally large pill— because he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Reg, you look a little ill, you want like a cup of water? Some tea?” Remus is speaking quietly, barely above a whisper. Though Sirius is already distracted with entertaining Harry, so even if Remus wasn’t murmuring, he’s sure his brother wouldn’t notice.

“No. I’m fine. Just—“ Regulus lets out a long exhale and rubs at his face, his bones freezing completely in his body as the door opened. Normal, normal, normal. He is so normal right now.

“Lads. Sorry for being late, traffic was a bitch getting over here—“ James stops talking and clears his throat promptly at the realization that Regulus was standing before him in the foyer. “—Plus, I’ve got a terrible headache from last night still.” James continues, eyeing Regulus.

“You’re good, Jimmy. Baby’s not going anywhere.” Sirius smiles at James, and steps to him, handing off Harry.

“Hey, little man.” He coos at the sight of his son, and Regulus hates that he’s here. He wants to run out the door and get the hell out of there because damnit, James looked so good. He looked even better than he remembered and it made him feel queasy and warm and guilty and all sorts of complicated things. Regulus had to keep his mind in check, swallow down anything that might be resurfacing, but how could he not notice the way the sleeves of his t-shirt hugged his biceps. The way his hair looked so neat and soft, he must have started styling it. The way he looked at him, the crippling resentment and overwhelming yearning. The way he took up the whole room because of course he did. Because James was the sun, right here, in his brother’s flat.

“Come in, James. Reg is here— as I’m sure you saw— and we can have a nice little reunion.” Before James can say no, which he is opening his mouth to do, Sirius is ushering him into the living room while Remus shoots him a sympathetic look.

Regulus is the last one into the room, sitting down on the couch, on the opposite side from James and Harry. He is actually fighting with the demons in his head telling him to look over at James right now— and he surprisingly wins. Regulus stares off into to corner of the room, completely indifferent.

“Tea, lads?” Sirius inquires, interrupting Regulus’ brooding.

“I’ll have some tea.” James nods, bouncing Harry on his lap.

“Reg?”

“Sure. Anything dark is fine.” He mutters, trying to forget that the person who’s been haunting his entire existence is sitting on the same sofa as him.

“Okay, men. I’ll get you your tea.” Sirius proclaims like he is accepting an epic quest. “Remus, care to help me, dear? Give these boys a chance to catch up?”

Why doesn’t Sirius just kill him? That would be so much faster than this torture.

“Sure.”

And then there were two. Well, three, really.

It was quiet for a few moments, Harry’s babbling taking some of the tension out of the air. Then, James looked to Regulus right as Regulus looked to James and it all felt too much like a trap.

“You look well.” James speaks up first, of course. His voice so strangely different now than it was last night over the phone. Then, it seemed like he was overwhelmed with emotion and nostalgia. Now, he just sounded tired.

“I am.” Regulus declares.

Pause.

“How was Scotland?” James asks to fill the silence. Regulus almost scoffs.

“Fuck off.” He settles on instead.

“I’m just trying to be polite.” He hates that. He hates that James is trying earnestly to be kind and respectful and civil. This is all so maddening, he wishes it was easy. For even just one second.

“Well don’t.”

Long pause.

“I’m sorry.” James starts talking again and Regulus can’t help but roll his eyes. How long does it fucking take to make a few cups of tea?

“No you’re not.” Regulus snaps, then pulls back, reeling himself in. “Don’t lie.” he whispers.

“I mean— I’m sorry about last night.” Right. Of course. He would never apologize for anything that happened, he didn’t do it then, why would he do it now.

“It’s not okay.” Regulus decides to be bitter because it’s easier than trying to hear him out and actually attempt making sense of their weird relationship.

“So hostile.” James hisses, kissing his teeth and looking down at Harry who is blissfully unaware of the situation and still grinning.

“Did I give you the impression that I wanted to talk to you?” Regulus’ voice somehow stays even, despite his mind being a fog of betrayal and fear. “So what do you think I’m going to do when you talk to me anyway?” James is quiet for a long while, no answer for Regulus.

“I’m sorry.”

“Okay, James.” Save it for someone who will actually believe you, like Lily or my brother when they inevitably find out that you’re a lying liar— Regulus doesn’t say the last part, but he wants to. He wants to make sure James feels the unending pressure and excruciating indecision of their teenaged love. The fact that it’s haunted him into his adult life. The fact that he ran away from his friends and family because he had to get out before he ruined things. Because there was promise for James. And nothing more for Regulus. He was static in London the first time and he was static in Glasgow and he knew it was only a matter of time before he was feeling static again.

“You need to leave.” Regulus stands up, his eyes cold and narrow at James.

“I- What?”

“I’m not joking. I’m supposed to with my brother today, if I knew you would be here, I wouldn’t have come.” Regulus insists, his jaw clenching and his hands clenched to stop them from shaking. His nails dug into his palms and he stared James down, ignoring the baby in his lap because if he would have he acknowledged the baby, he would’ve felt a lot worse.

“Okay. Okay, whatever you want, Reg.” James stands up and presses his lips together, he seems surprised and a bit nervous which makes Regulus feel oddly relieved. It’s better than him acting all flirty and dismissive, like everything is sunny and perfect. “Just let me-“

“I’ll tell them you left. Stay out of my life.” And it was a bit unfair because Sirius was James’ best friend, and Dorcas was dating Marlene, who was disappointingly close with James, so the whole “staying-away” thing would have to be reconsidered a bit. But the effect was there since James frowned and walked out of the room, that damn baby still laughing and clapping like something was funny.

Regulus would have to unpack the guilt he felt as he watched James walk out much later.

For now, he was hanging out with his brother. And also Remus, he supposes.

“Hey, where’d James go?” Sirius frowns as he walks back into the room, holding two mugs, Remus trailing behind him holding two more. Sirius held out one of the cups to Regulus, the liquid in it still steaming.

“He said something about having to get home, I’m not entirely sure.“ Regulus shrugs, taking his tea from his brother and sitting back down on the couch.

Remus and Sirius looked at each other with furrowed brows, like they were surprised that James had just left without even saying goodbye. Regulus took a sip of his tea and thanked his brother.

“Shame, could’ve… played a board game or like done a puzzle or something.” Sirius sighs, looking into his mug like there’s going to be something in there besides the tea.

“We still could. Do both of those things.” Remus adds, splaying his hand across Sirius’s back in comfort, but he’s smiling like he might laugh at any second.

“But it wouldn’t be the same without James.” Sirius and his dramatics, always a pleasure.

“You’re right. It would be better.” Remus says back, his laughter actually slipping out this time. Regulus can’t help but let his scowl become a little smile, remembering why Remus was always the one he tolerated the most of the infamous quartet. He was self-aware.

“Moony, you just bought a new puzzle, the one with the cats on the porch?” Sirius ignores the diss on James and lights back up at his sudden remembering.

“Yeah.” Remus responds slowly, like he’s worried about how excited Sirius is over his new cat puzzle.

“We’re doing a puzzle?” Regulus interjects, feeling like he’s been cut out of the conversation.

“Do you hate puzzles? Fuck, Moons, I keep forgetting we are bad hosts.” Sirius presses his hands against his face and groans, pacing around the room.

“No, I mean— they’re fine. I just wouldn’t expect you to like puzzles.” Regulus finds himself sounding more confused than he’d like.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sirius glares in the direction of his brother, like he’s just insulted him to the umpteenth degree.

“You don’t seem like a puzzle kind of person.” Regulus replies, looking at Remus and shrugging.

“Well… you’d be right. I don’t love a puzzle, but I find them enjoyable enough with good company.” Sirius walks over to a big cabinet against the wall of the room, opening it and pulling out the aforementioned puzzle. “So?” He shakes the box, the pieces clattering around asking for him.

“I could puzzle.” Remus nods.

“You guys are so weird.” Regulus shakes his head, setting his mug on the end table beside the couch. The other two men just stare at him, waiting for a definitive answer. “Okay. Let’s puzzle.” Regulus concedes and leans forward as Sirius puts the box onto the table.

So they puzzle. And Regulus ignores any unresolved issues with his brother or with James, for that matter. He is taking this moment in his fists and forcing it to be okay.