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suho knows that sieun loves him. really, he does, it’s just… sometimes he wonders. suho is always in sieun’s space, taking up sieun’s time, always hovering, always talking, always touching, always worrying. so, suho wondered if maybe he was just too much.
when sieun gets busy with school, spending hours hunched over his desk, he has less time for suho. of course he does, that makes sense, he needs time to study. but suho… suho just misses sieun all the time. like he needs sieun to be one with him, needs sieun to crawl inside him and make a home there. he needs to feel sieun near him, watch the boys every move, be able to reach out and touch him if he wanted to.
suho has never had a boyfriend before, but he thinks that maybe this intense feeling isn’t normal. he wonders, does sieun feel this way?
he tries to push it away, but he can’t stop thinking. does sieun miss him when he gets busy with school? does sieun think about him when he’s not there? does sieun see something and think that suho would like it, the way suho does with sieun?
that’s all suho does, really. he thinks about sieun. at work, he thinks of sieun. at home, he thinks of sieun.
sieun, sieun, sieun.
he concludes that sieun probably doesn’t think of suho as much as suho thinks of sieun. he’s okay with that.
until he’s not.
suho, typically confident and exuberant, finds himself spiraling. his usually colorful, kind, loving thoughts about sieun turned into a consistent monologue of self hatred and self doubt. he starts to answer texts slower, stops showing up at sieun’s house uninvited, keeps his usually neverending touches to a minimum.
after a few weeks, suho can’t take it anymore. he shows up after sieun’s last class of the day to bring him food and maybe hang out for a bit, sieun tells him thank you, says he needs to get back to studying. suho shrinks a little bit. sieun looks tired, eye bags defined and movements lethargic. suho thinks maybe he’s been struggling to sleep again.
typically, suho would pout, squeeze past sieun anyways, and make himself at home. enjoy the fond look on sieun’s face when he rolls his eyes at him.
today, he just can’t. of course sieun doesn’t want you here right now, suho thinks. he’s busy. don’t be a bother.
“ah. that’s okay, sieun-ah. i’ll talk to you later.” he hands the takeout bag to sieun and turns, makes his way back down the same stairs he just came up. his steps are heavy and he feels like an idiot.
he misses sieun gaping at him, sieun’s mouth moving like he wanted to say something to catch suho’s attention.
stupid suho, he thinks, always demanding too much, always wanting too much of everything.
he drives home, takes a shower. realizes his favorite shirt to sleep in is at sieun’s house. with a sigh, he puts on a different one and climbs in bed. he distracts himself with youtube videos, the stupid ones that sieun always makes fun of him for watching.
god. he can’t even watch youtube without thinking of sieun. it’s getting later when a notification pops up at the top of suho’s phone.
sieun-ah: Hey. I’m done for the night. Do you want to come over?
suho blinks, gapes a little. sieun’s already done studying? at 8 pm? he types out a reply.
suho-yah: you’re done already? surely not my sieun-ah ㅋㅋㅋ are you feeling okay?
sieun-ah: Yes, i’m okay. Come over please.
and who the fuck is suho to deny yeon sieun when he’s asking him for something?
he tells sieun he’ll be there in twenty minutes, changes his clothes, and heads out into seoul traffic. he runs back up the same stairs, finds himself at the same door, knocking the same pattern he did earlier.
when sieun opens the door, suho’s eyes nearly bulge out of his head. sieun is wearing his shirt. he’s wearing suho’s favorite sleep shirt. suho stares, nearly missing sieun telling him hello and moving aside to let him in. he quickly clears his throat and walks into the familiar apartment, leaving his shoes next to sieun’s at the front door, making his way to the couch.
“yah, yeon sieun. you’re wearing my shirt? did you wash it? it’s huge on you, it’s really cute.” suho rambles, trying to hide the blush he’s sure has made its way onto his face. he realizes he’s already bombarding sieun with questions and he hasn’t even been here five minutes. he promptly snaps his mouth shut.
sieun stares at him, studying his face. suho feels like he’s under a magnifying glass.
“why didn’t you stay here earlier? when you brought the food.” sieun asks.
“i- you said that you had to study. i didn’t want to bother you, so i left.” suho replies.
“you’ve never cared before if i had to study.”
“exactly, sieun-ah. i just don’t want to be a nuisance anymore. i’m always here, bothering you and taking up your time and your space. i’m trying to be better about it, now.” suho says, throat tight.
sieun’s face is unreadable. he looks down at suho’s shirt he’s wearing, takes the hem between his fingers and plays with it.
“i didn’t wash it. it smells like you, that’s why i wanted to wear it.” sieun says, quietly. suho gapes at sieun who’s still looking at the shirt, avoiding eye contact.
“what?” suho says, surprised. he doesn’t think he could say anything else, really.
“is that really what you think, suho-yah?” sieun whispers. “that you bother me?”
“i- i don’t know. isn’t it true? i’m always… talking and touching you and showing you stupid videos and asking you when you’re going to be done. it’s all a bit much, isn’t it?” suho whispers back, afraid to be louder, afraid to showcase the thoughts he’s been having for weeks to the man he loves.
“it’s not too much for me. if i didn’t like it, i wouldn’t let you do it. i don’t like it when other people touch me, when other people talk to me all the time. but with you, it’s different. you don’t bother me at all, suho-yah. my days feel empty without you.” sieun says, his voice full of convinction like he needs suho to hear him, needs suho to understand him.
“you’re- what? i don’t-“
“i’ve missed you, suho-yah. that’s what i’m trying to say. you’ve been distant, and i missed you. that’s why im wearing your stupid shirt. that’s why i haven’t been able to sleep. when i don’t see you, i feel… i feel less. i feel like a part of me is missing.” sieun’s voice is wavering, his shoulders shaking.
suho moves on instinct, grabs the smaller boy and wraps him in a hug, tucking him into his neck.
“i’m sorry, sieun-ah. i’m so sorry. i didn’t mean to be distant, i just thought that you might want some space. i didn’t mean to hurt you.”
suho can feel sieun’s lips move against his neck when he speaks, the small sobs and sharp breaths making suho’s heart clench. “i don’t want space. i want you around me all the time, i like having you here. please, just don’t… don’t think differently.”
“okay. okay, sieun-ah. i’m sorry.”
“stop apologizing, please. i just don’t want you to feel like this. it’s.. it’s hard for me to express my feelings and to be affectionate like you are. but… i love you, suho-yah.”
suho shifts, pulling sieun away from his neck to look at the boy in front of him. he grabs his face, uses his thumbs to wipe away the tears cascading down his cheeks.
“sieun-ah. my sweet baby. thank you for saying those things, it really means a lot to me. i really love you too, so much that it hurts my chest. being away from you these past couple weeks almost killed me. i was being stupid. i got in my head and let my insecurities get the best of me.” suho says, voice soft as he stares into sieun’s eyes.
sieun leans in, connecting his lips to suho’s. the kiss is tender, tongues connecting, savoring the taste of eachother. suho has his hand clenched into sieun’s (his) shirt, sieun’s hands playing with suho’s hair. they kiss like they have all the time in the world and maybe they do.
when they pull away, sieun grabs suho by the jaw. he plants kisses on his nose, his eyelids, his cheeks, his forehead. “will you stay over tonight?”
“oh baby, you’re never getting rid of me again, not after all those sweet things you said.”
sieun blushes. suho wants to eat him whole.
“okay. good. let’s go to bed then.” he says, standing up and walking towards his bedroom, sure that suho would follow.
suho stares at him as he walks away. he can’t help the giant smile on his face, the way his heart is beating like he just won the lottery, the love taking over every inch of him. he follows sieun into the bedroom where he finds the boy already in bed, covers open, waiting for suho to join him.
when he wakes up the next morning, sieun is asleep on top of him, breath warm on suho’s neck and arms wrapped tightly around his torso.
suho can’t believe he was ever worried that yeon sieun didn’t love him.