Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Player: I am going insane

Sam: I've known that for a while

Sam: You don't try and date your furniture when you're mentally stable

Player: I haven't tried yet!

Player: It's been a few days and besides the first day I haven't put them on

Sam: Really?

Sam: You have so many attractive people living in your house and you don't want to see them?

Player: It's a lot okay

Player: Like I'm just supposed to stay quiet about all of this?

Sam: I mean

Sam: You don't have to

Player: What do you mean?

Sam: You've already told me this much, so what's the harm of telling me more?

Sam: It's not every day you have a friend who gets to date their furniture, why wouldn't I want to hear all about it?

Player: You realise if I start I won't be able to stop, right?

Sam: I am aware of your quirks

Sam: And I can't say I'm not really curious

Sam: Personally, if I had those glasses, I would really want to see what my bath looks like

Sam: My bath is a pretty sexy bath if I say so myself

Player: And you called me weird

Sam: Yeah, cause you are

Sam: I can admit my bath is sexy because at least I'm not trying to have sex with it

Player: I'm not trying to have sex with mine either!

Player: Not yet at least

Player: I don't know what they look like

Sam: This is what I mean

Player: I can't believe you are acting like you are better than me when you are actively trying to get me to bang my furniture

Sam: I am a complex woman

Sam: A complex woman who wants to see her bestie find love and see what it's like to have someone live out the life of those object romances we used to binge read in high-school

Sam: Omg remember those?

Player: I do

Player: But I'm not going to bang my door

Player: He's already friendzoned me

Sam: A knob put to waste

Player: You're a pervert

Sam: You're the one who implied they would bang their door if he allowed it!

Player: You would too if you saw him!

Player: That's something I should test

Player: Take a few pictures and see if they work

Sam: Maybe if you put the dateviators over the camera?

Player: I'm too deep into this

Player: Why do I let you convince me bad ideas are good ideas

Sam: I've never done that

Sam: Every idea I've ever suggested has been good

Sam: Except working at Valdivian

Sam: And I apologise for that

Player: Nah, its fine

Player: You did your best, it was just bad timing

Sam: Aren't you sweet

Sam: Talk to your furniture that way and I'm sure you'll have then in bed in moments

Sam: Instant threesome

Player: I truly have no choice here, do I?

Sam: Nope, not at all

Sam: Go and smooch a couch for me

Player: I'll put them on tomorrow

Player: It's getting late

Sam: Awww

Sam: Fine

Sam: You better keep me updated

Player: I will

Sam: And if there's any you don't want I'm sure I can suddenly need a new piece of furniture

Player: I'm not letting you bang any of my furniture

Sam: Fine

Sam: Could have been freaks together, but I guess you just want to be a freak alone

Player: You are one confusing woman

Sam: But you love me

Player: That's debatable

Sam: You're going to ditch me for your furniture

Player: I hope I do

Sam: YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO AGREE

Chapter Text

Player: Okay

Player: I did what you asked

Player: And holy shit my shower is hot

Sam: Sexy wise or temperature wise?

Player: Both

Player: Also that is why sometimes I wake up with no hot water

Player: Johnny's gone and used it all for himself

Sam: Johnny?

Player: My shower

Player: His name is Johnny Splash

Sam: JOHNNY SPLASH?

Sam: Like a knockoff Johnny Cash?

Player: Yep

Player: Even wants to be a singer

Player: Although he speaks like Elvis

Sam: Maybe that's why people get the urge to sing in the shower

Sam: Is his singing sexy?

Player: Not in the slightest

Player: But he's really passionate

Sam: Oh no

Sam: Your poor ears

Player: It's not that bad

Player: If I didn't want to hear him I could just date the glasses off

Sam: Let's hope you don't have to listen too much then

Sam: As long as his voice is sexy without the singing you'll be fine

Player: His voice is something

Player: But I'll have to put up with the singing

Player: I promised to help him get a career in it

Sam: YOU DID NOT

Player: He was just so sweet

Player: What was I to do?

Sam: The things we do for dick

Player: Don't act like this is that bad

Player: I just think he deserves to be happy

Player: That reminds me!

Player: I've got a picture for you!

Player: (Picture of Johnny Splash leaning against his shower head)

Sam: Omg

Sam: I see why you said yes to him

Sam: Omg is that a loofah rose?

Player: Told you he was hot

Player: And that voice

Player: He's so sweet with it

Sam: Must have made showering with him a delight

Sam: What's he like naked?

Player: You really are a pervert

Player: And I wouldn't know, I took the glasses off to shower

Player: But I am realising now that he's probably been looking at me showering for the last few years

Player: I need to invest in a shower curtain

Sam: Until that turns human too

Player: They still wouldn't be able to see me

Player: I met Johnny outside the shower

Sam: Guess that makes sense

Sam: But holy shit, if all your furniture is that fine, I wouldn't be able to control myself

Player: I have no idea how I am controlling myself

Player: I've been alone for too long

Sam: But you’ve got a chance to not be alone anymore

Sam: Just keep doing what you’re doing, helping him with his dream, and he’ll be in love with you in no time

Player: You’ve got high hopes for me

Sam: Someone has to

Sam: So go out there and woo your shower!

Player: What did I do in my last life to deserve this weird life?

~

Player: Progress with Johnny has been made

Player: We’re gonna get him on American Maestro, figure out how to let him sing a song for them without him leaving my house, and then I need to figure out how his singing abilities are gonna get way better in a matter of days

Sam: Sure you haven’t bitten off more than you can chew?

Player: When did I ever say I didn’t?

Sam: True true

Sam: So, what has the time together when not working on his singing career held for the two of you?

Player: A lot actually

Player: We’re talking about our families, I’ve shared some of my own hobbies, and I think we’ve been flirting?

Sam: You just think?

Player: It might have just been him being very southern?

Player: It’s hard to tell sometimes

Player: Remember, who are basically the only non professional relationship I have had since highschool

Player: How am I supposed to know what flirting is and isn’t?

Sam: Keep forgetting that

Sam: But I say flirt back a little, see if he’s into it or if he shuts you down

Sam: If he’s as sweet as you say, you will still be able to be friends

Player: What would I do without you?

Sam: Not get a boyfriend because you were scared of dating your shower obviously

Player: I take back any praise I’ve ever given you

Sam: I deserve that

Sam: Is showering any sexier now that he’s flirting with you?

Player: Not really

Player: I asked him about it and he says he mostly just looks away, but if I ever run out of something mid-shower, as long as the dateviators are nearby I can just ask him and he’ll hand another of it

Sam: I can’t believe I am jealous of you over a shower

Sam: He really is sweet

Player: That’s what I’ve been saying!

Sam: If he ends up not being into you, you need to send him my way

Player: He’s my shower, I think he’s stuck in my house

Sam: Then I’ll come over

Player: You live states away

Sam: I’ve done worse for hot men

Player: Thank fuck you didn’t get these glasses instead of me

~

Player: I am horrible at talking to people

Player: What was I thinking when I decided that trying to befriend and date my furniture was a good idea?

Sam: What happened?

Player: Johnny got pissed at me

Sam: For the flirting? 

Sam: I am so sorry I put you up to that, I shouldn’t have

Player: No, not that

Player: He liked the flirting, and I thought we were getting somewhere, but then I tried to bring up how he might need a lot of practice if he decides to send in his singing as it is, and then he started accusing me of being jealous

Sam: No way he did that

Sam: Did he force you out of the bathroom?

Player: No, it took a few minutes, but he collected his cool again and just said he was stressed, and that he needed some time to himself

Player: He said I should come back in a few days, but what if he doesn’t mean it?

Sam: Listen, I don’t know much about him besides what you told me, nut from what you have told me, I think he will accept you back

Sam: But he better do so after even more apologising

Sam: Or else I’m coming over and busting up his piping

Player: Please don’t break my shower I can’t take baths when I’m sad

Player: But thanks for being on my side here

Player: It means a lot to me

Sam: I’d do so anytime

~

Sam: Hey

Sam: I was curious about what you said, and I decided to watch American Maestro

Player: So you saw Johnny?

Sam: Yeah

Sam: Are you guys better now?

Player: Much better

Player: He gave me a better apology, and he wanted me to watch the episode with him because he wanted to share such a momentous occasion with me

Sam: I feel really bad for him

Sam: Being put on a joke reel couldn’t have been good for him

Player: He took it a lot better than I had been hoping

Sam: Wait really?

Player: Yeah

Player: After what transpired between us, he realised he wasn’t meant for a career, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t still love it

Sam: Aww, ain’t that sweet

Player: It is

Player: It’s good to see him so happy about his singing, I have actually grown quite fond of it these days

Player: I leave my dateviators right outside the shower these days, and sometimes, when the water pressure is low, I can hear just the faintest singing

Player: Odd how they work

Sam: I’m glad you love to hear him sing

Sam: Personally, I would not be able to handle it

Sam: You really weren’t kidding when you said it was bad

Player: Well I can

Player: And that is why he asked me to attend all singing events around the house to watch him

Player: As his partner

Sam: NO YOU ARE NOT JUST DROPPING THIS NOW

Sam: YOU TWO ARE DATING???

Player: I couldn’t find a good place to slip it in…

Sam: You should have interrupted me for that!

Player: To be fair, that whole lead up was super important

Player: We got together like right after that whole thing was settled

Sam: Indulged in some shower sex?

Player: NO

Player: We’ve not gone that far yet, he wants to be a gentleman about it

Sam: Should’ve expected that

Sam: But I am still curious so you better tell me all about it when you finally get there

Player: I’ll make sure to never tell you

Sam: Rude!

Sam: But yeah, super excited for you!

Sam: I can’t remember the last time I saw you actually date

Sam: But honestly kinda shocked you found love so quickly

Sam: Had I been you, I would have tried out a little more before settling

Player: Well

Sam: Well?

Player: Who says I have to say I’m done now?

Sam: I cannot let you break Johnny’s heart like that

Player: I won’t!

Player: But these objects don’t seem to mind polyamoury for the most part

Player: If love happens, I don’t want to say no to it just because I already love Johnny

Player: He’s fine with it

Sam: I am begging you to start conversations with the right information

Player: I should really do that

Sam: But if that's true, know that I am the number 1 supporter of your object harem

Player: What am I to do with you?

Sam: Give me all the deets!

Chapter Text

Player: When I was told I could see my objects as people, I expected them all to look human

Player: I was wrong

Sam: Omg what is it this time?

Player: I’ve got a catboy in my home

Sam: A CATBOY???

Sam: SHOW ME NOW

Player: I can’t!

Sam: But my picture…

Player: He was really upset I tried to talk to him without an appointment

Player: Said I needed to understand the importance of schedules

Player: But he said it like shhhhedules

Sam: Were he not a catboy I would find that very annoying

Sam: But its not everyday you get to meet a real life catboy

Sam: IF ONLY I COULD SEE HIM

Player: I was getting there

Player: So if I want a picture I have to make an appointment for it

Player: So I am meeting him at noon tomorrow

Sam: Having to schedule a meeting just to get a photo is insane

Player: I didn’t exactly get a choice

Player: I live with him, I would prefer him to not hate me

Player: I already don’t feel safe outside my home, I can’t feel unsafe inside as well

Sam: No, I totally get that

Sam: What kind of man makes you do that though?

Player: One who happens to be an object obviously

Sam: Wait let me guess what this is

Sam: Is this your clock?

Player: Was it the schedule thing that let you guess?

Sam: Kinda

Sam: Also the fact you’ve been obsessed with cat clocks since highschool

Player: How dare you

Player: It’s been since middle school

Sam: My bad for not knowing you at age 12

Player: Exactly

Sam: So who even is this guy? If I can’t have a picture, can I have a name?

Player: He says his name is Timothy Timepiece

Sam: That certainly sounds like a catboy clock name

Player: I kinda expected him to be cuter

Player: Anime sets unrealistic expectations

Sam: I’m sure you can worm your way in and show all his cute sides

Sam: At noon for some reason

Player: Guess I’ll be playing by his shhhedule for a while

Sam: What we must put up with for love

Sam: Get your weirdo harem by any means necessary

~

Player: The meeting went well

Sam: Didn’t you get fired?

Player: Not that kind of meeting

Player: The meeting with Timothy

Sam: Oh righttt

Sam: Do I get a picture now?

Player: Yes, I managed to convince him

Player: (Picture of Timothy looking rather refined with a pocket watch)

Sam: He looks like a gentleman

Sam: Wasn’t expecting that

Player: It makes his obsession with shhhedules make a little more sense

Player: It was all clocks and shhhedules and timeliness with him

Sam: You’re not gonna give up on shhhedules with him are you?

Player: Nope

Player: Join me

Sam: I’ll check my shhhedule

Player: Yeah!

Sam: So was this meeting just for the picture?

Player: No, he has also decided I need dating advice

Sam: That is probably good

Sam: You will need it

Player: I know, but I’d rather it not be said out loud

Sam: Yeah

Sam: That’s why I am messaging it to you

Sam: But I could send a voice note

Player: Please don’t

Sam: Fine fine

Sam: What kind of advice did he give?

Player: Why don’t you give your best guess given what I’ve said?

Sam: The advice was keep a shhhedule wasn’t it?

Player: Yeah

Player: Said I needed to keep a shhhedule no matter what or my date would hate me

Sam: That’s a bit harsh

Player: Well what else am I supposed to get from him? He obviously thinks shhhedules are the most important thing

Sam: All of this really diminishes the cuteness of a catboy

Player: Does it though?

Sam: You really are lonely

Player: Are you saying he’s not attractive?

Sam: That is not what I am saying

Sam: What I am saying is how do you find him cute? 

Player: He is so passionate about time

Player: Is passion suddenly not cute?

Sam: But passion about time?

Player: You should have seen him!

Player: He lit up when I understood what was being taught

Player: He is not as stuffy as he looks with his shhheduling

Sam: Well, if he is the catboy available, he will be the catboy you get

Player: I would choose him even if I had multiple catboys

Player: But I don’t think I own anymore cat themed stuff

Sam: Well, got your next meeting shhheduled?

Player: Yep!

Player: In a few days I am meeting him at 3pm

Player: And I’ll see what other advice he has to give

Sam: Think it will also be time based?

Player: Absolutely

Sam: At least you will get better at time management from all of this

~

Player: Just had the weirdest meeting of my life

Sam: Tell me all about it

Sam: I just had the most boring meeting of my life and I need some intrigue in my life

Player: You are stuck with boring job things while I am going on dates with my household objects

Sam: I can’t believe you are winning when that is what you spend your day doing

Player: But anyway

Player: Had another meeting with Timothy today

Sam: That sure does explain why the meeting was weird

Player: This one was on shhhedules again, and the importance of sticking to them even for momentary pleasures

Sam: I mean

Sam: That could be good advice?

Player: He was again, very excited that I was taking in what he was saying

Player: But he almost seemed excited in another way

Sam: YOU HAD A HORNY CATBOY IN YOUR PRESENCE AND YOU DIDNT START WITH THAT???

Player: I did start with that! 

Player: I said I had a very weird meeting

Sam: That did not prepare me for this news!

Sam: How did you get him horny?

Player: I didn’t!

Player: He made himself horny talking about shhhedules

Sam: IM SORRY WHAT

Player: I don’t really understand it either

Player: But to be fair, he was talking about how a good shhhedule would get anyone I wanted into my bed

Player: As long as I put time in my shhhedule for it

Sam: So what I’m hearing is you need to put some time in the shhhedule for your dear Timothy

Player: Timothy has shown no interest in me

Player: Just a whole lot of interest in shhhedules

Sam: Not even slightly interested in seeing where this could lead?

Player: Now I never said that

Sam: So why not go for it? 

Sam: Not everyone gets a chance to bang a catboy

Player: Good thing its me and not you doing this

Player: You would break at talking to a catboy

Sam: I would

Sam: I hate that you are living my dream in this scenario

Player: I’m not as much of a weirdo now

Sam: You still are, just I am too

Player: Damn

Sam: When is your next meeting with him?

Player: 9pm

Sam: That sure is late

Sam: You sure he’s not trying to get you into bed with him?

Player: No

Player: But it is safer to assume

Sam: Your loss

~

Player: I think he may be into me???

Sam: Fork found in kitchen

Player: That doesn’t even make sense

Player: But like, he let me touch his pocket watch

Sam: Is that a euphemism?

Player: No, but he cares so much about those things! 

Player: I would have never expected he would have let me touch them

Player: And then there feels like there was this push and pull of todays conversation

Player: And it wasn’t even about time this time!

Sam: Omg wait really?

Sam: Your objects surprise me more every day

Sam: What was the lesson this time?

Player: About holding a high standard of love for yourself so you can guarantee a high level of love from others

Sam: Damn

Sam: Thats actually really good advice

Sam: I’ll need to use that for my next date

Player: Wait til I put the cherry on top of this conversation

Player: He set it not knowing I would show up

Player: He wanted to see how much he could count on me

Sam: You need to get him in bed right this instance

Sam: He is so into you

Player: I feel like that's a jump

Sam: Who knows?

Sam: Do you have your next meeting shhheduled? Maybe you can ask him about it then

Player: Yes

Player: It’s tomorrow at 9am

Sam: Then you have to wait less than 12 hours

Sam: You’ll get your answer

Player: I hope he is as into me as you guess he is

~

Player: THIS IS NOT A DRILL THIS IS NOT A DRILL

Player: TIMOTHY IS PART OF THE POLYCULE

Sam: HOLY SHIT NO WAY

Sam: You really asked him about his feelings???

Player: Didn’t even have to!

Player: He shhheduled that meeting to tell me his feelings

Player: He was so romantic, calling me dear and telling me how calm he felt around me

Player: And want to know the best part?

Sam: Of course I do!

Player: He said that his heart beats not only with the clock now, but with my heart

Sam: I would have crumbled

Player: I did crumble

Sam: Were you able to shhhedule a date?

Player: No, but he did say he would make time for me whenever I wanted to spend time with him

Sam: Damn you just keep winning

Sam: That means you’ve got a lot of time for bedtime activities

Player: Oh I know that well

Sam: QUIT DROPPING THIS INFORMATION LIKE THAT

Sam: YOU BANGED THE CATBOY???

Sam: OR HE BANGED YOU???

Player: I was shocked as well!

Player: He even broke shhhedule for me

Sam: Tell me about it!!!

Player: Later! I promise

Sam: Meanie

Player: I’ve got things to do today

Sam: Is that thing your clock?

Player: Keep pushing and I won’t tell you anything

Sam: I can’t believe you are treating me like this

Player: I can’t believe I went from having my love life suck to having two boyfriends

Sam: You truly are living the life

Sam: And I would be if you TOLD ME WHAT ITS LIKE TO FUCK A CATBOY