Archive of Our Own ^beta

Today feels wrong. I’m walking out of the main command centre of the UC Vigilance, and I have just debriefed captain Ikande on my recent mission with the Crimson Fleet. This time felt different, it felt so incredibly wrong to rat them out like that. 

I have been attacked by the Fleet more times than I can count, and yet, now that I have an inside look, it's starting to feel like the place I truly fit in.

Approaching the docking station, I spot Alex, the Ace Pilot.

“Mole.” He greets me with his usual charm, I still can't tell if he likes me or not.

I nod silently at him, and go to walk past, I have too much on my mind right now to deal with anyone else. I feel him grab onto my arm.

“What? No hello?” He tilts his head slightly.

“Sorry, I’m just tired. We can catch up next time.” I brush him off and leave before he responds. I know he’s not being malicious, I just need to leave the Vigilance and collect myself before I accidentally snap at someone.

“Captain” I hear Vasco’s modulated voice ring out ahead of me.

“Hey Vasco, ready to head out?” I ask my robotic friend, opening the seal between us and The Frontier.

“Yes, Captain." He replies, his presence is quiet and tame, but, at the end of the day, he is the best space companion a girl can ask for.

After I set course for The Key, I rest for a while in my bunk, asking Vasco to keep watch in the cockpit.

I feel… Lost.

I thought I was doing good by being SysDef's spy on the Fleet, but now, it just gives me a pit in my stomach and a migraine. For the first time since I left Argos to join Constellation, I felt real pride in myself after getting out of The Lock alive and well with Mathis. I felt the energy shift in the Key from hopeless disbelief in Kryx's Legacy to excited whispers about what might happen if we got our hands on it. I uncovered parts of Kryx’s story that had never been seen. I made a difference.

Not to mention Delgado. At first I was weary, intimidated. I didn’t think I would like a man who turned down his family fortune just to live a life of crime and extortion, but seeing the excitement and passion for his cause and the Fleet when we were on Suvorov built an image of a man with purpose, and that feels more magnetic than anything on the UC Vigilance.

As we get into orbit, I hail the Key and proceed to a docking station. I have to decide what I’m going to do before I board or I'm gonna crumble.

“Vasco?” I prompt the robot as I prepare myself.

“Yes, Captain?" He responds.

“If I stay with the Fleet, does that make me a traitor… or just someone who changed their mind?” I ask, desperate for even an ounce of robotic wisdom.

Vasco takes a second before responding. “Captain, are you considering revealing your role at SysDef to the Crimson Fleet?”

I take a heavy breath, saying it out loud makes it real.

“Yeah,” I pause, contemplating how to explain this feeling. “I’m finding it hard to keep lying to them.”

I can hear the Fleet chattering in the silence, they’re just beyond the sealed door behind me, and I wonder if I’m making the worst or best decision of my life.

“It would be a dangerous choice, The Crimson Fleet has historically not taken kindly to traitors. There is a chance they would consider you one, too.”

The pit in my stomach becomes a chasm of worry.

“I realise that, but the more time I spend there, the more I just feel like-” I pause to think. “I fit there, Vasco. I’m not some spy being coerced into risking my life, I’m a person trying to make the most of my life. I’m somebody they’re finally beginning to really notice , somebody who is good at what they do.”

Vasco takes a little, whirring step closer to me. “If I am understanding this correctly, your worries are of your duties. Perhaps, your duty is not to the orders you were given, but to yourself. I think humans worry too much about these decisions, when really, you must do what you think is right.”

A small smile forms on my face- Vasco may not be human, but he has such a wonderful grasp on humanity.

“Yeah.” I straighten myself out. “I think I need to do this.” 

“Just- Be careful, Captain.” Vasco says. “This could be dangerous.”

 I nod to him. “Of course. If anything goes wrong, I’ll come straight back here.” Really, I know if anything went wrong, I am vastly outnumbered and most definitely dead.

After collecting myself, I gather the courage to walk out.

The airlocked door hisses open, and I step into the Key. Waiting just ahead of me is Jazz, impatiently tapping her foot.

“What took you so long, rook?” She looks over me briefly, as if checking for any injuries.

“Can’t a girl fix her hair before boarding?” I reply, playful sarcasm lacing my words.

“Doesnt look like you fixed much.” She looks at my hair, grimacing. I give her a light slap on the arm, letting out a small laugh.

“Very funny, Jazz.”

“Is the ship in good shape? No repairs needed?” She asks, and as much as I know she is only saying that because she knows I'm always happy to fork over some creds for her handiwork, I can't help but feel like she actually cares.

“Not this time, thanks though.” We exchange goodbyes and I start making my way to wherever Delgado is.

My heart is beating out of my chest, this could be the last time I walk these halls, this act of honesty could very well get me killed.
I start looking around, asking one or two people if they know where he might be, and eventually I’m led to his quarters, I knock on the door, and my arms feel heavy.

The door slides open, and an irritated Delgado is looking at me.

“Do you mind? I’m busy.” He snaps.

“Sorry- I need to talk to you, it's urgent.” I should not be doing this, I should not be doing this.

He steps to the side with a petulant sigh, letting me in and gesturing me to a chair. I take a seat but he stays standing.

“I need to tell you something. And I’m gonna ask that you just- really listen .” I speak, voice shaking.

“This better be good, rook.”

Here we go. I take a deep breath, and find myself unable to look at him.

“SysDef hired me to spy on the Fleet. They gave me a deal after I got arrested in New Atlantis, I was given the option to spy on the Crimson Fleet… or serve time.”
I pause, practically trembling. “At first, it didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong, I thought the feeling of self preservation would be enough, but I just can’t do it anymore. I want to be here, this place means something to me, now.” I pause, taking a breath, “The weight of this lie, it's eating me alive.”

I stop talking, I have so much more I want to say but I’m finding it hard to breathe.

There's a long pause, and I’m unsure what to do.

“You know what we do to backstabbers, don’t you?” He says, voice sharp yet quiet.

“I do. I know what I am risking by telling you this,” My hands tremble in my lap.  “But I couldn’t keep lying. Not after Suvorov.”

I swallow, eyes still avoiding the man in front of me.

“So, what?” He takes a step towards me. “You want a medal for coming clean? What's stopping me from just killing you right here?”

“Let me prove my worth. I will do anything I can to try and fix what I have done, and if you decide I’m not worth it, then at least I’ll know I was honest.” I finally look up at him, relying on my eyes to plead my case. He doesn't speak for a long while, just looks at me with an unreadable look, and the silence alone feels like a punishment.

“Honest?” His voice comes out with a breath, almost mocking me. “What do you know of honesty? You come here, you smile, make friends, you sleep under my roof all while knowingly putting us in danger and you say you're being honest?!” He’s almost yelling now, I want to cry, but I just freeze up.

He continues, “You think your confession earns you something? Do you think you’re being brave?” He’s seething, breath heavy and eyes wild.

“I didn’t-” I begin, quietly. He cuts me off.

“No. Get out.” He says, backing up and pointing at the door, his eyes turned to the ground. “I can't look at you right now. Not without seeing the knife in my fucking back.”

I stand, and my legs almost give up on me. He's silent as I walk to the door, and as I reach to open it, I hear him behind me. 

“You’re not allowed to leave the Key until I decide what to do with you. Understand?”

“I understand.” I almost whisper, before making my pitiful walk to The Last Nova.

I want to drink until I die, I don’t know what I expected, and I feel like an idiot.

I take a seat at the corner of the bar, and wait.
At this point, I had barely moved in hours, the conversation with Delgado spinning around in my head and making me dizzy. Should I have said it differently? Maybe somewhere else? I should have just grav jumped to the furthest system and disappeared. A million more thoughts pass through me, all while nursing the same drink from however many hours ago, and I want to curl up in a ball in the nearest booth and sob until I melt into the seat.

Eventually, another rook approaches me with a sparkle still in his eyes.

“The boss wants to see you.” He seems elated that he was given a direct order from Delgado, and I wonder what kind of look he would have if he knew he was talking to a traitor.

I get up on unstable legs, and make my way back to Delgado’s quarters. I am completely unprepared for whatever is about to happen, and have convinced myself I am willingly walking to my execution.
My hands hesitate to knock on his door, but I can’t avoid what's going to happen.

I don’t have to wait long for the door to open, and the man on the other side looks tired. He closes the door behind me, and points to the chair I was sat in earlier, silently telling me to sit.

I’d be stupid not to be frightened, but I sit down anyway.

He sighs, weighty and emotional, before speaking. “You know what should be done, yes?”

I nod, watching him like he could strike any moment.

“You lied. ” He runs his hands through his hair, and he doesn’t look at me. “And the worst part? The part that pisses me off the most?” He sounds almost pitiful. “I want to forgive you.” He speaks quietly, and it feels like a punch in the gut.

He looks at me now, not with the cold scrutiny of a leader, but with something else behind his eyes, something more personal.

“If anybody else found out about this, rook, they would kill you without a thought. I don’t know why, but I just can’t do it.” 

There's a long pause, and then,

“Nobody else needs to know what you told me, but you need to be all in from now.” He takes a step closer to me.

“Anything, I swear, I will do anything you ask.” I say, and my voice comes out broken and desperate.

He looks at me with something that resembles pity, and takes a step closer.

“I think you and I have some trust to rebuild.” His voice turns low, deliberate.
He places his hand on my chin, lifting my head up further to look him in the eye, and I feel my heart rate spike. “Privately.”

My face burns red when he says that, and there's an indescribable shift in the air once I realise what is happening.

“And how do you propose I do that?” I almost whisper, I wonder if I am dreaming.

“I won't make it easy,” Delgado speaks quietly, almost muttering to himself. “You’ll have to earn it.” He pauses to move his hand to my cheek, and I lean in ever so slightly to his touch.

“I want to see you vulnerable.” He drags out the final word, and I feel my stomach flip. “I want to know exactly who you are, every part of you laid out for me to see.” I have to bite back a groan, his words falling straight to my gut and making it delightfully twist.

“You can have all of me.” I say, simply. My legs feel weak and my breath begins to quicken, I wait for his orders.

“Get up.” He demands, moving his hand away. I do what he asks of me, and now he is impossibly closer.
He places both of his hands on my waist and pulls me in, I feel so deliciously terrified, the thrill of it all makes me eager.

He slowly leans in, skipping my mouth entirely and going straight for a kiss to my jaw, followed shortly to my neck. I can't help but let out a small sound when he starts to get a little more rough, and it seems to encourage him further. He kisses his way back up to my face, and looks at me with a feverish look in his eyes, it is now that I realise just how badly we both have wanted this, why I feel so adamant about being truthful, and why I didn’t just leave.

He kisses me, deep and sure, and I don't hesitate to return it. We make our way step by step to his bed, my hands allowing themselves to explore a little more of him.

He pulls away, breath already short, and takes a small step back.

“This.” He begins pulling off my clothing, slowly. “Needs to be off.”

I let him strip me down to my underwear, already feeling the cold bite me. I feel so utterly vulnerable. Just how he wants me.
He takes a moment to just look at me, eyes trailing up and down my body, and his head slightly tilted to the side.
Gently, his hands start exploring, light touches to my chest, and the other caressing my waist, slightly pulling me closer to him. He is learning my body, teaching himself what parts he touches that make my breath quicken. 

I’ve seen him fight, he could overpower me so easily, and yet his touch is so very soft. 

“You’re holding back.” I whisper.

“I am. I worry that the moment I let go, I will not be able to stop.” His voice dips, low and intimate. “You truly want this?”

A moment of vulnerability, something I didn’t expect from him.

“Why else would I be here?” I reply, placing a hand at the nape of his neck, slightly weaving my fingers into his hair, a reassuring gesture. His breath catches, just barely. I feel his head shift a little, and the way he leans into the touch like he didn’t mean to.

His gaze drops to my lips and lingers there, like he's debating his next move. He guides my arm lower, and presses my hand over his heart; It’s racing, and I’m certain he is just as nervous as I am.
His eyes lock onto mine and he takes a small step back, he begins slowly undressing himself, until we are both stood almost completely bare in front of one another.

This seemed to encourage him to make a move, now. He steps forward and pushes me onto his bed, but once again stands above me like a quiet authority.

“You want to make it up to me?” He speaks, hands trace over my legs, sending gentle waves of neediness through me. I nod my head.

“Then do exactly as I say.” He kneels down on the ground beside the bed, pushing my legs apart. He grabs my thighs and drags me closer. “Don’t move, keep your hands by your side, and stay quiet.” He commands, I dramatically throw my hands down by my side, a clear agreement. I see him smile a little before he disappears between my legs.
He starts kissing the inside of my thighs, lightly nipping at points, he's avoiding the part of me that is growing more and more aroused with each movement. I don't mean to, but my legs begin to fidget slightly with impatience, he grabs at the meat of my thigh, moving his head back a little.

“If you keep that up, I will stop altogether.” He warns, his voice a little raspier than before.

He's playing with me, testing how close to my core he can get before I squirm. I tense up a little, eager to obey his orders. Finally, I feel a light kiss exactly where I want it, over my underwear. I feel his cold hand pull them to the side, followed by his tongue, which quickly gets to work learning what I react to, finding the spot that makes me utterly unable to resist putting my hand through his hair and letting out the quietest gasp I can muster.
He doesn't seem to mind that I’m breaking his rules now, he seems too focused on what he is doing to me, and it feels relentless.

I feel a familiar warmth blooming from the pit of my stomach and travelling downwards, my legs begin to tingle and I know I could cum from his mouth alone.
I hold myself back, taking deep breaths, and I feel his mouth begin to slow down. I remove my hand from his hair and keep my focus on my breathing before I feel an icy finger enter me, quickly and without warning. I let out a deep groan, I feel completely helpless and it is so, so good.

“Shhh.” He shushes me with the sort of tone you would use to comfort someone, and as he moves his finger inside of me I have to bite down on my hand to stop myself from squealing.
I finally look at him again, his hair is a mess and his pupils are dilated. He looks delicious .
He straightens himself out a little, before leaning close enough to me that he can remove my hand from in between my teeth and place one of his hands over my mouth, acting as a gentle replacement. He is looking into my eyes now, and I see a raw type of lust I had never thought I would see from him. I feel a second finger slowly make its way alongside the other, and I grab onto the wrist above me, practically pushing his hand harder into my face to stop me from letting out some filthy sound. He lets out a quiet hum, and I’m sure he is losing his patience.

His works me open a little longer, before pulling his fingers out of me. I close my legs and want to complain of the loss, but then he removes his hand from my face and brings his fingers to my mouth. I taste myself on him, and I see his face respond in awe; In this moment, I am certain I would do anything for him.

It doesn't take long before he stands up fully, and pulls me by my legs back to the edge of his bed. Now that I am sat up, I can see clear evidence that he is just as on edge as I am, and it makes me insatiable .
He stands much too close and reaches around me to remove my bra, I let it fall off of me and I see him twitch at the view.

“Get on your knees.” He commands me, and I do as I am told. I want to make it up to him, I want to make sure he knows he is making the right decision by letting me stay. He grabs my face once again and makes me look up at him.

“I want you to make me feel good. Show me how sorry you are.”

And with that, I take action. My hand is stroking him over his boxers, but I grow too eager too quickly and tug them down, he lets them hang loosely halfway down his legs and just watches me as I simply admire him. I taste him, and I am addicted. I'm eagerly swirling my tongue on the tip before taking him in halfway, and I suction my lips onto him as I move my head. He lets out a deep groan that I am certain would be heard from the hallway, and it just makes me even more eager.
I look up at him through my lashes, and take him in as far as I can before my throat stops me, and the sound he makes goes straight between my legs.

I begin working at a rhythm, finding spots with my tongue that make him twitch and move his head to look at the ceiling. His hand weaves through my hair and pulls ever so slightly, and I can tell he is still holding back. I take him out of my mouth and use the moment to catch my breath.
I continue moving my hand around him, slowly and gently tugging and teasing as I speak.

“You can pull as hard as you like, you know.” I rasp out, my voice a little raw and broken.

“What if I hurt you?” He asks, breathless.

“Then I will tell you. Please, stop holding back. Let go.” I beg, and I think it works.

“Tap my leg if it's too much.” He says simply, I nod at him and open my mouth, a not-so-subtle ask to continue.

He moves his other hand to my cheek, and guides my head back onto his cock. This time, he is moving his hips a little, rocking back and forth. He gains some confidence, and I feel the hand in my hair tug harder than before, and it forces me to look up at him.

“You want forgiveness?” He says, accent thicker than ever in his haze. “Then look at me while I take it from you.”

His words make me happy to lose any amount of dignity I wished to hold on to, and I keep my eyes trained on him when I put my hands on my thighs and let him move in and out as he pleases, giving him complete and utter control.
He moves his hand out of my hair and places them both on either side of my head, keeping me still as he fucks my throat.

I moan around him and it makes his hips jerk forward, pulling me deeper than before. I swallow around him, holding back a gag, and he pulls out completely.

He takes a moment to compose himself, and places a hand on my chin. He just looks at me for a moment before guiding me to stand up, I can barely stay standing and my legs feel like jelly.

He kisses me once, it is calm, and with a sweetness I didn't expect.

His eyes don't leave my own as he silently pulls off the last of my underwear along with his and gets me to lay on his bed. 

Here I am, completely laid bare for him, and he cannot look away.

“I am angry at you.” He speaks gently, despite his words. He kneels on the bed between my legs. “But gods, are you beautiful.”

I am completely out of words by this point, so I grab his face and kiss him madly, deeply and hoping that he understands just how sorry I am for deceiving him for so long.
He keeps his lips on mine and I feel him rubbing against me, I groan at the sensation and we envelop each other with our limbs, holding on as though the other might float away.

He lines himself up with me, and I feel him gently push inside. My stomach flips at the feeling and I can hardly believe this is all real. I break away from the kiss to let myself breathe, and I try to hold in the little noises that keep escaping my lips.

“Oh, fuck. ” He groans above me, and my face grows impossibly hot. He buries himself completely into me, and we both take a moment to exist like this. I place a hand on the side of his face and we look at each other, it is sickeningly romantic, and hardly feels like the punishment I expected.

After some time, I speak. “Please.” Is all I can say, but he understands.

He slowly pulls himself out before pushing back in, and the pace is nothing short of torture. He is toying with me again, and I let myself feel every second.

It is clear that he grows impatient, and he starts fucking me at an increasingly faster pace. After not too long, he is slamming his hips into mine, and the noises he is trying to keep down are purely erotic.
I begin moving myself slightly, trying to meet his hips in the middle, but all I can think about is just how good he looks like this, towering over me, sweaty and undressed with a focused look on his face. I want to make him see stars.

His eyes return to mine and he slows down, he grabs at my waist before moving his hands behind my back and flipping us over, I let out a small sound of surprise but his moves are seamless and seeing him below me makes me so very eager.

I push down as far as I can, and his hips move upward, he is so impossibly deep that I cannot tell where I end and he begins.
I adjust myself so I can lift myself up on my knees and then fall back down, 

I start up a pace, experimentally at first, testing what feels best and finding the angle that makes his hips twitch involuntarily. I am moving quicker now, finding my rhythm, and just the view of such a powerful man falling apart at the seams below me makes the ache in my legs worth it.
My tits bounce with each movement, and I try my best to lean into it; I place my hands on his calves behind me and I see his eyes watching me with intensity as I put on a show.

I slow down a little, moving my hair to the side and leaning down so my face is just above his, I am able to move my hips easier this way and the new angle coaxes a full moan from the man below me, and I know I am doing something very right.

I speed up once again, and I can't help but bury my face into his shoulder, the same warmth from before building up in the pit of my stomach, which is only accelerated when I feel him lifting his hips, working in tandem with my own. I try and fail to hold back a lewd moan at the new sensation, and my face grows impossibly hot when I realise that it was loud enough to be heard from beyond the door.

“Don’t stop. Don’t fucking stop.” He whispers out, and my worries disintegrate. I do exactly what he wants, and soon I feel my movements become sloppy and out of time, completely overtaken by the feeling building up inside me.

I feel him grab my hips, stalling them in mid air and thrusting up into me with an unrelenting speed. The feeling overtakes my legs, now and I know I am about to cum.

“I’m so-” I let out a small, involuntary noise. “I’m so so close.” I whisper close to his ear, and he starts pulling my hips up and down, fucking me like a toy.

“Cum around me, rook.” His voice comes out rough and broken. “Remember this feeling. Remember that I made you feel this way. Those assholes could never make you feel this good, huh?” He babbles, and the words only make the feeling grow.

My legs shake and I feel the world become static as my orgasm shatters through me- all my senses are overtaken by the feeling of him. I moan and whine and completely forget about anyone who might hear us, and when his name leaves my lips he slams our hips together a final time before pulling himself out.
I feel him paint my stomach and hear his broken, jagged breaths as he cums, and for just a moment everything feels right.

We stay like this for a while, breathing, shaking and sweating.

I fall beside him, looking up at the ceiling and taking in what just happened. I don’t think this worked as intended, this did not feel like a punishment or a test, it all felt too real.
Like something clicked, and now I can't unfeel it. I don't know what to do with that.

I feel him shift beside me, and a towel lands on my chest. I promptly clean myself up.

I look over to him and he’s busying himself with his canteen, taking a long hard drink of it before handing it to me.

“Drink.” He mutters to me, and I do so.

He’s avoiding looking at me, now, and I’m worried that I have done something wrong. He’s sat up, slowing his breathing, and looking off into nothing. Does he regret this?
I move slowly and hesitantly, bringing my hand to his forehead and brushing his hair from his face, and he finally looks at me with a look I can’t quite place.

“This part-” His mouth slightly twitches into a smirk, “I don't really know how to do it. Usually it’s just me by now.” He laughs a little, and I feel some sort of sadness in it.

“Would you like me to leave?” I speak softly, placing my hand on his cheek.

He shakes his head and I can't help but smile a little.

“We still have much to talk about,” He places his hand on my thigh and looks at me with tired eyes. “But I think it can wait until the morning. It’s been a long day.” He lays back down, and I copy him, grateful for a moment of peace.

He moves the blanket over us and pulls me closer. We just look at each other for a while, and I can't help but place my hand on his cheek and caress his face like it's the most natural thing in the galaxy.
He is silent, but I can see in his eyes how his mind is racing.

“What are you thinking about?” I whisper. This seems to shake him out of whatever spiral he was falling down, and a small smirk appears on his face.

“What people might say if they saw me like this.” he responds, there's a playfulness in his words, and I think I very much like this part of him,

“What, naked and emotionally available?” I try to respond with a matching tone.

He groans, "Don't say it like that.” I let out a small laugh, and there's a moment of release.
We don’t speak after that, just exchange calm touches - eventually he pulls me closer, and traces his hand across my back in a slow, lazy movement. My eyes begin to flutter closed, and based on the slow, steady rhythm of his chest, I think he has joined me.