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Chapter Text

 Sneeg standing on one of the castle balconies and watching Clown's tower with careful eyes is to say the very least not a normal thing. It's been about 10 hours since Clown logged on and then almost immediately fell asleep and he hasn't been awake since. He's probably worried sick, is all the Foolish can conclude about the situation, like a fucking lover. Those two are so gay for each other.

*-_-*

 who is "he"? Is the only thing going through Sneeg's head, and why is He so special to Clown? 

 Sneeg's always considered Clown one of his best friends on this server and In general. The dudes silly, can't sit still, thinks he's fucking terrifying (which Sneeg isn't to sure is just him being a cocky dick anymore), is wicked smart and can make some killer fucking drinks. And another thing that Sneeg's just started realizing about Clown is that he doesn't tell anyone anything they don't need to know. All Sneeg knew was that Clown was on another server, not what that server was about or who else was on it or even its name (he still doesn't know that one), only that it existed and Clown was on it. He didn't even know that there was a person named Kab out there.

 It's got him confused. He thought that Clown trusted him with everything. All those late nights in the twohicky talking about all sorts of things. All those little secrets that Clown had told him about. It was all the truth, that's another thing about Clown is that he doesn't like lying, but maybe it was never the whole truth. Sneeg see's only now that there are things in Clown's head that he doesn't think anyone knows and that no-one probably will.

 It hurt him a lot to see Clown standing in own his room with deep shadows under his eyes and scarred arms and hands. He couldn't even count them all and it had him asking himself what have you been through that you've told no-one about? How much are you silently suffering? His eyes were almost completely unreadable and his mouth was set in a quiet line. He looked so young even with eyes so old, maybe 19 at most. And it hurt, and the way he talked about that other server, like he was grateful for it had him wondering what a person has to go through to turn to violence for an out so they won't go crazy.

 And it all circles back to the question of who is he? And why is he so important to Clown?

*-_-*

 It's still light out when Clown finally is pulled back into the waking world. His limbs are still so heavy and his eyes keep wanting to drag back closed but something won't let him sleep and he has no damn clue what it is. He forces himself into a sit and looks around the room.

 where is Branzy? He asks himself while looking into all every shadow in the room. Nothing. No-one. Just a room devoid of life except for him and a cold otherside of the bed.

 Right, Branzy left. Left like they all have and all will. Tears well up in his eyes as he tries desperately to blink them away, but he fails and tears start to wind themselves down his cheeks. He manages to wipe them away before pulling himself out of bed. He's got so many things to do even if he's exhausted and part of him doesn't want to do them at all. And he's been worse than this. He'll be fine. It's not like anyone's around to care.

 He decides to go looking through the Royal library. Try to find something he doesn't know (there's plenty of that) that's interesting enough to take his mind off of the pain.

~•~•~

 The library is huge. He forgets that every time he's not in here for a little while. The one hoodie he's found is warm and hides his scars. Well, the ones on his arms at least. Not on his hands. Those still shine clear as daylight.

 He's in the middle of looking through some rather dusty old books that he's honestly surprised are even intact with how their bindings crumble a little every time he touches one, when he hears footsteps somewhere nearby.

 "There you are." It's Ros, but he can't say she sounds happy to see him. Did he do anything wrong? Is she gonna stab him in the back? He should have brought a weapon with him. Something. Fucking stupid.

 "I saw you were up and figured I'd find you here." She continues and he chances a glance at her. Her expression is weird. Brows furrowed in something akin to frustration, but eyes soft and kind. Her lips are a little bit pouty, as if disapproving.

 She catches the look in his eyes, "and you still look exhausted. You need sleep. Rest. Something. Otherwise you gonna end up dead."

 And he can't say he would mind that. Honestly, everything just feels so empty some days. But he's got Ros and Sneeg to protect and he'd feel awful if he just left them behind.

 Ros's whole expression softens, "your hard to read, you know. But what's going on? Why are you up? I can tell you know you exhausted."

 He shrugs. I don't want to be alone. I can't take the silence. It's too loud. Everything feels empty and a little to heavy. He doesn't say anything.

 Ros stands silent there for a minute and he goes back to looking at the bookshelves. He finds one that familiar. "The things they carried" he'd never read it until a couple of years ago. 

 Branzy gawked at him. Jaw dropped and eyes wide. "Hold on. Y-you. You who loves literature. You've never read The things they carried! That" he spluttered "that's just plain wrong. Hold on a damn minute."

 Branzy had run off before returning with a rather thick book and plopped in in his lap. "Read that." He softened the demand with a kiss before returning to his Redstone.

 He remembers the book well, even though that was years ago. It's a very good yet heartbreaking book. And this looks to be an old copy. He never got a copy of his own because Branzy had one and he didn't really need one. He pulls it off the shelf and flips through the yellowed pages easily. Maybe nows the time to re-read it.

 "Are you hungry?" Ros asks from behind him and he jumps a little. He'd forgotten she was there.

 He doesn't feel that hungry, but logically he should be starving. He shrugs.

 "That would be a yes!" Sneeg shouts from several feet behind Ros. They both jump. When did he get here?

 "You need food dip-shit." He says walking over to glare at him, "you look like shit and I know full well you haven't eaten anything in at least a few days. You need food."

 He nods defeatedly because he knows Sneeg's right and he's to tired and hurting to argue with him right now. He knows Branzy would have said the same thing.

 Sneeg looks concerned that he doesn't argue but appears to brush it off. Turning around and marching out of the library towards where the kitchen in the castle is.

 "Come on." Ros smiles at him, reaching out for one of his hands. He shakes his head and opts to walk by her side.

 Ros glances over at him every few seconds, almost as if she's worried he'll disappear on her any second. Which he won't. He can't do that. Not to her. She's too good for that.

*-_-*

 Ros was worried as worried could get. Clown did not look good. He looked a little better than he did the last time he was awake about a day and a half ago but still not good. He's pale and the look in his eyes is enough to break her heart. This person who she always thought was invincible, was shattering and she doesn't know when it started. She doesn't know how long Clown's been breaking without any of them noticing.

 She remembers that conversation while Sneeg was washing Clown's hair. Who he talked about. And she can tell that "He" person is the reason for all of this. But she can also tell that Clown somehow doesn't blame him. Isn't mad at him for leaving. And she doesn't know why.

 She's noticed the book Clown holds in one of his hands. She's never heard of it before. A book called "The Things They Carried".

 "Why that one?" She asks, trying desperately to get anything out of him. He hasn't talked at all and it's starting to worry her.

 "Thought I'd re-read it." Is all he answers in a quiet tone that hurts more than she can explain.

 "How'd you find it?" She asks, "the first time I mean." Clown gives her a long look. A look that stares right into her soul and heart.

 "Recommend to me." Is all he awnsers and she can tell that it's not the full truth. That he's holding things back and she doesn't know why.

 She nods, unsure of what else to say. There are secrets he's keeping and she doesn't know what to think of them. Doesn't even know what they are in the slightest.

 "Food dip-shit" Sneeg's voice says, holding out a bowl filled with food that smells amazing towards Clown.

 Clown eyes it skeptically before carefully taking it from Sneeg's hand. She watches Clown fold himself up into the corner chair of the table, almost trying to make himself seem as small as possible.

 He's still eyeing his bowl suspiciously where it sits on the table when herself and Sneeg get themselves situated.

 Sneeg sighs, "Clown, you need to eat." He says rather softly, and Ros would poke into the conversation if she wasn't busy stuffing her face with Sneeg's amazing pasta that she will eat any day.

 Clown looks up and him before looking back at the bowl.

 "You really should." She eventually says, "we don't want you to starve."

 He looks at her for longer than he looked at Sneeg. And it's not the same look either. It's like he's not looking at her but through her. Looking at someone else sitting in her seat. And that looks is full of so many things. Soft and hurting at the same time.

 He unfolds himself just a little and takes a fairly suspicious bite of the food. Like he doesn't trust it. And one bite turns into two, turns into three, turns into the whole bowl being finished within minutes.

 Sneeg cackles, "didn't realize you were hungry, did you?"

 Clown nods and Sneeg gets up to get the three of them another bowl each.

 Clown looks back at her with that weird look again. The feeling of the look settling into her skin is familiar and she wonders how many times he's looked at her like this behind that mask of his.

 Sneeg pushes Clown another bowl across the table when he returns and as Clown picks up his fork she notices it. A black ring with sharp purple stones all along the outside. It sits on his right ring finger and It looks just a little to delicate for him.

 "What's the deal with the ring?" Sneeg must have noticed it too, as he's the one that asks the question.

 Clown's full body freezes. Every muscle going still and every joint locking. He looks down at the ring slowly before looking up at the two of them.

 Without saying anything his turns to fish something out of one of his to many pockets. Something clicks before he slides a picture across the table.

 The picture portrays a guy standing at what looks like a pier looking over the ocean. And Ros knows immediately what the look was for. This person has curls as white as snow and eyes the color of shimmering amethyst that sparkle with chaos and excitement. On the only hand of his you can see, which is his left hand, the same ring that Clown wears sits. And that ring is perfect for this person. This person with a smile that tells of kindness and love and care and a little bit of chaos. And that smile looks so much like her own that it makes her heart hurt about what might have happened to him.

 And then she realizes, this must be "him". This must be the guy that left.

 And she knows. Knows looking only at this picture. That he is so much like her. And when Clown gives her that look. He must not only be seeing her, but seeing him too. Seeing a person he lost, and a person she bets he is waiting to lose. Not because he wants to lose her, but because he feels like he will.

 Slowly she slides the picture back to Clown and he takes it with shaking hands. Giving it one last look before tucking it back to where ever it originally was.

 Sneeg's watching him with this sad look in his eyes. And she's sure that her expression is much the same.

 "Who was he?" Sneeg eventually asks and Ros can see the tears glistening in Clown's eyes.

 "Someone I never thought I'd lose." Clown says, "I-i can't find it in my to blame him though. Where I'm from isn't built for everyone. A-and he just couldn't do it anymore. He's still out there somewhere, but it feels a little like he's dead. Like I'll never get to see him again." His voice breaks a little as he eyes his full bowl of food, "I guess I was a little bit stupid. Not that I regret any of it. I guess I was stupid in the fact that I thought he'd stay on that server for as long as the server lasted. I knew he wasn't built for it. He wasn't a fighter, but I stupidly thought he'd stay for as long as it lasted."

 He breathes a shaky breath as Sneeg shifts a little in his seat. She can't tell that Sneeg feels bad for Clown. She does too. No-one disserves this and it hurts her a little to hear him call himself stupid but nows not the time for them to talk.

 "I-i guess love makes you do stupid things." And with that simple line that feels like a punch to the gut he hangs his head and starts to sob. His shoulders tremble and she can hear his gasps for air.

 Sneeg shoots up from his chair and wraps Clown in a hug. It's an awkward looking hug with Clown facing forward and Sneeg hugging him from the side but it was better than nothing.

 Ros leans over the table to run a hand down his back, feeling the shifting muscle with each tremble of his shoulders.

~•~•~

 When Sneeg saw that Clown was up he was originally furious. Did Clown not get that he was human? That he needs to take care of himself.

 But now standing here, feeling like he was holding Clown together he wonders if Clown just didn't see that it was worth it anymore. If he was just surviving instead of living. Maybe the end of a season on that other server brought all of this up.

 The day that Clown had gotten back Sneeg had gone to Tubs Tavern and was honestly surprised that Tubbo was even there.

 He had dumped it all on Tubbo that day, all of the worry for Clown, the guy who he never got a name to. All of it.

 And Tubbo had given him a long look before telling him that it was going to get worse before it got better. That it wasn't going to be easy. That Clown was relying on him now. On him and Ros and that they were going to have to hold him together.

 He didn't get it then. But he gets it now. He gets it now as he holds Clown tighter and closer to his heart. Clown, the person everyone thought was invincible. The person even he thought was invincible. Clown, the person who is breaking in his arms and who he's going to have to learn how to put back together.

 He wonders to himself how much Clown was repressing and holding locked up in his heart, that got set lose by the change in pace. How much he's going to learn about who Clown truly is. All the ugly and sad parts and all the happy and free ones too.

 But he'll be here. He and Ros will be here. Until the end. Until Clown doesn't feel like he has to hide.

 Someone started to breakdown Clown's walls. And someone did once. But he builds them back up around anyone else.

 They were going to have to figure out how to break them down again. How to get Clown to let them in and help him heal.

 'Cause he's learned. He's learned that Clown keeps secrets. So many secrets. And he's desperate to know as many as he can. Not for himself, but for Clown. For Clown so he won't feel like he's alone.

 It'll take time. Lots of time. And Sneeg won't rush it. He'll go at the pace Clown needs. Because he cares, and he wants Clown to truly know that he does.

Little does he know. He won't have all the time he hopes for.

~•~•~

 One day, Clown was gone. The only remnant of him was the tower. The tower and it's suddenly empty walls. A simple note in Clown's hand writing.

 "I thank you for trying. But I don't think I can do this right now. Your some of the greatest people, but I can't do this. Now right now. I won't be back. Not in person. But I hope you know I'm not leaving you behind. I'll be here in the stars and in the fields. I've gone home, and I hope one day I can bring you with me."

 And he didn't cry. He saw it coming. Clown wasn't happy here. Not with Ros gone. And him falling into the grasp of corruption. He has everyone else and he's happy that Clown is happy. That he's okay. And that's all he could ask for.

Chapter Text

  Sneeg standing on one of the castle balconies and watching Clown's tower with careful eyes is to say the very least not a normal thing. It's been about 10 hours since Clown logged on and then almost immediately fell asleep and he hasn't been awake since. He's probably worried sick, is all the Foolish can conclude about the situation, like a fucking lover. Those two are so gay for each other.

*-_-*

 who is "he"? Is the only thing going through Sneeg's head, and why is He so special to Clown? 

 Sneeg's always considered Clown one of his best friends on this server and In general. The dudes silly, can't sit still, thinks he's fucking terrifying (which Sneeg isn't to sure is just him being a cocky dick anymore), is wicked smart and can make some killer fucking drinks. And another thing that Sneeg's just started realizing about Clown is that he doesn't tell anyone anything they don't need to know. All Sneeg knew was that Clown was on another server, not what that server was about or who else was on it or even its name (he still doesn't know that one), only that it existed and Clown was on it. He didn't even know that there was a person named Kab out there.

 It's got him confused. He thought that Clown trusted him with everything. All those late nights in the twohicky talking about all sorts of things. All those little secrets that Clown had told him about. It was all the truth, that's another thing about Clown is that he doesn't like lying, but maybe it was never the whole truth. Sneeg see's only now that there are things in Clown's head that he doesn't think anyone knows and that no-one probably will.

 It hurt him a lot to see Clown standing in own his room with deep shadows under his eyes and scarred arms and hands. He couldn't even count them all and it had him asking himself what have you been through that you've told no-one about? How much are you silently suffering? His eyes were almost completely unreadable and his mouth was set in a quiet line. He looked so young even with eyes so old, maybe 19 at most. And it hurt, and the way he talked about that other server, like he was grateful for it had him wondering what a person has to go through to turn to violence for an out so they won't go crazy.

 And it all circles back to the question of who is he? And why is he so important to Clown?

*-_-*

 It's still light out when Clown finally is pulled back into the waking world. His limbs are still so heavy and his eyes keep wanting to drag back closed but something won't let him sleep and he has no damn clue what it is. He forces himself into a sit and looks around the room.

 where is Branzy? He asks himself while looking into all every shadow in the room. Nothing. No-one. Just a room devoid of life except for him and a cold otherside of the bed.

 Right, Branzy left. Left like they all have and all will. Tears well up in his eyes as he tries desperately to blink them away, but he fails and tears start to wind themselves down his cheeks. He manages to wipe them away before pulling himself out of bed. He's got so many things to do even if he's exhausted and part of him doesn't want to do them at all. And he's been worse than this. He'll be fine. It's not like anyone's around to care.

 He decides to go looking through the Royal library. Try to find something he doesn't know (there's plenty of that) that's interesting enough to take his mind off of the pain.

~•~•~

 The library is huge. He forgets that every time he's not in here for a little while. The one hoodie he's found is warm and hides his scars. Well, the ones on his arms at least. Not on his hands. Those still shine clear as daylight.

 He's in the middle of looking through some rather dusty old books that he's honestly surprised are even intact with how their bindings crumble a little every time he touches one, when he hears footsteps somewhere nearby.

 "There you are." It's Ros, but he can't say she sounds happy to see him. Did he do anything wrong? Is she gonna stab him in the back? He should have brought a weapon with him. Something. Fucking stupid.

 "I saw you were up and figured I'd find you here." She continues and he chances a glance at her. Her expression is weird. Brows furrowed in something akin to frustration, but eyes soft and kind. Her lips are a little bit pouty, as if disapproving.

 She catches the look in his eyes, "and you still look exhausted. You need sleep. Rest. Something. Otherwise you gonna end up dead."

 And he can't say he would mind that. Honestly, everything just feels so empty some days. But he's got Ros and Sneeg to protect and he'd feel awful if he just left them behind.

 Ros's whole expression softens, "your hard to read, you know. But what's going on? Why are you up? I can tell you know you exhausted."

 He shrugs. I don't want to be alone. I can't take the silence. It's too loud. Everything feels empty and a little to heavy. He doesn't say anything.

 Ros stands silent there for a minute and he goes back to looking at the bookshelves. He finds one that familiar. "The things they carried" he'd never read it until a couple of years ago. 

 Branzy gawked at him. Jaw dropped and eyes wide. "Hold on. Y-you. You who loves literature. You've never read The things they carried! That" he spluttered "that's just plain wrong. Hold on a damn minute."

 Branzy had run off before returning with a rather thick book and plopped in in his lap. "Read that." He softened the demand with a kiss before returning to his Redstone.

 He remembers the book well, even though that was years ago. It's a very good yet heartbreaking book. And this looks to be an old copy. He never got a copy of his own because Branzy had one and he didn't really need one. He pulls it off the shelf and flips through the yellowed pages easily. Maybe nows the time to re-read it.

 "Are you hungry?" Ros asks from behind him and he jumps a little. He'd forgotten she was there.

 He doesn't feel that hungry, but logically he should be starving. He shrugs.

 "That would be a yes!" Sneeg shouts from several feet behind Ros. They both jump. When did he get here?

 "You need food dip-shit." He says walking over to glare at him, "you look like shit and I know full well you haven't eaten anything in at least a few days. You need food."

 He nods defeatedly because he knows Sneeg's right and he's to tired and hurting to argue with him right now. He knows Branzy would have said the same thing.

 Sneeg looks concerned that he doesn't argue but appears to brush it off. Turning around and marching out of the library towards where the kitchen in the castle is.

 "Come on." Ros smiles at him, reaching out for one of his hands. He shakes his head and opts to walk by her side.

 Ros glances over at him every few seconds, almost as if she's worried he'll disappear on her any second. Which he won't. He can't do that. Not to her. She's too good for that.

*-_-*

 Ros was worried as worried could get. Clown did not look good. He looked a little better than he did the last time he was awake about a day and a half ago but still not good. He's pale and the look in his eyes is enough to break her heart. This person who she always thought was invincible, was shattering and she doesn't know when it started. She doesn't know how long Clown's been breaking without any of them noticing.

 She remembers that conversation while Sneeg was washing Clown's hair. Who he talked about. And she can tell that "He" person is the reason for all of this. But she can also tell that Clown somehow doesn't blame him. Isn't mad at him for leaving. And she doesn't know why.

 She's noticed the book Clown holds in one of his hands. She's never heard of it before. A book called "The Things They Carried".

 "Why that one?" She asks, trying desperately to get anything out of him. He hasn't talked at all and it's starting to worry her.

 "Thought I'd re-read it." Is all he answers in a quiet tone that hurts more than she can explain.

 "How'd you find it?" She asks, "the first time I mean." Clown gives her a long look. A look that stares right into her soul and heart.

 "Recommend to me." Is all he awnsers and she can tell that it's not the full truth. That he's holding things back and she doesn't know why.

 She nods, unsure of what else to say. There are secrets he's keeping and she doesn't know what to think of them. Doesn't even know what they are in the slightest.

 "Food dip-shit" Sneeg's voice says, holding out a bowl filled with food that smells amazing towards Clown.

 Clown eyes it skeptically before carefully taking it from Sneeg's hand. She watches Clown fold himself up into the corner chair of the table, almost trying to make himself seem as small as possible.

 He's still eyeing his bowl suspiciously where it sits on the table when herself and Sneeg get themselves situated.

 Sneeg sighs, "Clown, you need to eat." He says rather softly, and Ros would poke into the conversation if she wasn't busy stuffing her face with Sneeg's amazing pasta that she will eat any day.

 Clown looks up and him before looking back at the bowl.

 "You really should." She eventually says, "we don't want you to starve."

 He looks at her for longer than he looked at Sneeg. And it's not the same look either. It's like he's not looking at her but through her. Looking at someone else sitting in her seat. And that looks is full of so many things. Soft and hurting at the same time.

 He unfolds himself just a little and takes a fairly suspicious bite of the food. Like he doesn't trust it. And one bite turns into two, turns into three, turns into the whole bowl being finished within minutes.

 Sneeg cackles, "didn't realize you were hungry, did you?"

 Clown nods and Sneeg gets up to get the three of them another bowl each.

 Clown looks back at her with that weird look again. The feeling of the look settling into her skin is familiar and she wonders how many times he's looked at her like this behind that mask of his.

 Sneeg pushes Clown another bowl across the table when he returns and as Clown picks up his fork she notices it. A black ring with sharp purple stones all along the outside. It sits on his right ring finger and It looks just a little to delicate for him.

 "What's the deal with the ring?" Sneeg must have noticed it too, as he's the one that asks the question.

 Clown's full body freezes. Every muscle going still and every joint locking. He looks down at the ring slowly before looking up at the two of them.

 Without saying anything his turns to fish something out of one of his to many pockets. Something clicks before he slides a picture across the table.

 The picture portrays a guy standing at what looks like a pier looking over the ocean. And Ros knows immediately what the look was for. This person has curls as white as snow and eyes the color of shimmering amethyst that sparkle with chaos and excitement. On the only hand of his you can see, which is his left hand, the same ring that Clown wears sits. And that ring is perfect for this person. This person with a smile that tells of kindness and love and care and a little bit of chaos. And that smile looks so much like her own that it makes her heart hurt about what might have happened to him.

 And then she realizes, this must be "him". This must be the guy that left.

 And she knows. Knows looking only at this picture. That he is so much like her. And when Clown gives her that look. He must not only be seeing her, but seeing him too. Seeing a person he lost, and a person she bets he is waiting to lose. Not because he wants to lose her, but because he feels like he will.

 Slowly she slides the picture back to Clown and he takes it with shaking hands. Giving it one last look before tucking it back to where ever it originally was.

 Sneeg's watching him with this sad look in his eyes. And she's sure that her expression is much the same.

 "Who was he?" Sneeg eventually asks and Ros can see the tears glistening in Clown's eyes.

 "Someone I never thought I'd lose." Clown says, "I-i can't find it in my to blame him though. Where I'm from isn't built for everyone. A-and he just couldn't do it anymore. He's still out there somewhere, but it feels a little like he's dead. Like I'll never get to see him again." His voice breaks a little as he eyes his full bowl of food, "I guess I was a little bit stupid. Not that I regret any of it. I guess I was stupid in the fact that I thought he'd stay on that server for as long as the server lasted. I knew he wasn't built for it. He wasn't a fighter, but I stupidly thought he'd stay for as long as it lasted."

 He breathes a shaky breath as Sneeg shifts a little in his seat. She can't tell that Sneeg feels bad for Clown. She does too. No-one disserves this and it hurts her a little to hear him call himself stupid but nows not the time for them to talk.

 "I-i guess love makes you do stupid things." And with that simple line that feels like a punch to the gut he hangs his head and starts to sob. His shoulders tremble and she can hear his gasps for air.

 Sneeg shoots up from his chair and wraps Clown in a hug. It's an awkward looking hug with Clown facing forward and Sneeg hugging him from the side but it was better than nothing.

 Ros leans over the table to run a hand down his back, feeling the shifting muscle with each tremble of his shoulders.

*-_-*

 He doesn't remember going back to bed. Not even how he got here. He remembers sobbing at the table in the castle kitchens and that's about it. He doesn't even remember what he was crying about.

 There's a weight on his chest. And not one of those metaphorical ones. A physical one. Heavy and warm and breathing.

 Whatever it is must realize he's awake, as it hums a soft sound. Before disappearing with the rustle of fabric on fabric.

 He all but whines at the loss of comfort and cracks his eyes open. The room is dimly lit. Only a lamp on the bedside he never uses is on. There's a shadow sitting by his ribs and he tries to get a better look at them.

 He doesn't need to. As soon as he sees those curls reflecting white in the dim lighting he knows who this is. That can't be. He must be fucking dreaming. He's gone. And it feels like he's never coming back.

 Tears spring back into his eyes as he's pulled sitting and tucked into a neck, with warm arms wrapping around his back. He can't be dreaming. He smells right. Redstone, soot, and lavender. And Clown's sobbing again. In the safety of arms he trusts more than himself.

 Branzy coo's and rocks them both back and forth. Humming. He can hear the song in his head. Weep for yourself, my man. You'll never be what's in you heart. Weep, little lion man. Your not as brave as you were at the start

 "I'm so sorry." Branzy speaks first in this soft voice that is so utterly him it makes it hard to breathe.

 "For what?" Clown weakly manages.

 "I didn't think about you." Branzy whispers, "I just left and never reached out. Never reminded you that I was still here, and there for you if you needed it. And you've holed yourself up. Beating yourself up over something that wasn't your fault. That was selfish of me. I'm sorry"

 "D-Don't be" he manages to fight back with, "I was stupid for thinking you'd stay until the end."

 "I'm not leaving." Branzy's voice is firm, unyielding, leaving no room for argument, "I might have left Lifesteal, but I'm never leaving you. I have never once thought about it since I met you. Since I realized that you didn't want to, therefore wouldn't hurt me. When I realized there was nothing to keep me from leaving, I never thought about it. Never looked back. And I never will."

 Clown has no response, only harder heaves for air through his tears. This is Branzy. His Branzy. His one and only. Always and forever.

 "I love you" it's the first time he's send it in nearly a year and it feels like coming home. It feels like warm smiles and chaotic laughter. It feels like the weight of the world being lifted off his shoulders.

 Branzy maneuvers them to lay back down. Tangled together so tightly that it's almost impossible to pinpoint where one starts and the other ends.

 "I love you too. Always and forever."

 And he seals it with a soft kiss. Not asking for anything but who Clown truly is. Deep down. In the places he tries to keep locked up. But the keys never stay gone. Not anymore. Not when he's loved. And not when he loves right back.

~•~•~

 He wakes up, half expecting Branzy to be gone. But he's not. Still curled up into Clown's side, blinking up at him with huge eyes and a loving smile.

 And he realizes truly then. That Branzy's here to stay this time. That he's not going anywhere.

 That he's here to stay.