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Kim Soleum was lonely.
It’s not that he was physically alone, it’s not like he didn’t have acquaintances. It’s not like he didn’t have people who cared about him, yet he was still lonely.
He couldn’t make a simple, genuine connection based on one’s similar interests, memories, or silly coincidences.
In a job like this, where he must traverse through ghost stories, witness the rawest forms of humanity and witness them suffer, he couldn’t make bonds that didn’t hinge on life or death.
The people he cared about and liked were all related to the darknesses in one way or another.
Go Yeongeun? While she was kind, their only real interactions were during life or death situations in the darkness. He learned her fears, how she reacted in a crisis, long before he learned about her birthday and her favorite color.
He liked Jang Heoeun as well, but once again they only saw each other on missions.
His teammates in Team D? He cared about them a lot, but Lee Jaheon was difficult to connect with on a deeper level despite his understanding of the lizard and his linguistic tendencies. Eun Haje and Park Minseong both left… too soon. And as his superiors in his job with the same circumstances as Go Yeongeun, it would be difficult to make friends with them in the first place.
Even now, with his job in the bureau, he had to keep his secrets. That he was secretly a spy from Daydream, that he had infiltrated to steal information on an S-level disaster for reasons he didn’t know.
But most of all, Kim Soleum felt lonely because he couldn’t truly connect with anyone. He didn’t belong here.
Such a truth became all the more apparent here, when he was forced into a Bureau-wide (a.k.a everyone who didn’t have a good enough excuse) drinking party… held for… a reason unknown to Soleum.
Thankfully, Ryu Jaekwan was able to make it, otherwise Soleum wouldn’t have been able to handle it.
Social gatherings like this were… overwhelming… and it stirred up awkward memories of the company parties he had gone to back home. Therefore a comforting, strong presence such as Ryu Jaekwan would be helpful.
As the awfully deemed ‘Destruction King Rookie’, Soleum had unfortunately received a lot of attention from his co-workers, who were a little too eager in many ways.
Kim Soleum could hold a drink, yes. However, it has been a while… and he had been too focused on working until he could go home that he had neglected quite literally any sort of indulgence or joy in life that wouldn’t help him clear darknesses faster.
And his seniors were not only very enthusiastic about him drinking, pouring a glass every time it came up empty, but also very nosy. “Kim Soleum-ssi are you single by chance?”
Ryu Jaekwan had glared at the older man who said that, perhaps he was trying to set Kim Soleum up with someone. He wasn’t interested.
The questions somewhat curbed when it was clear that Ryu Jaekwan wouldn’t let them be asked. But at one point the man had to leave for the washroom. Before he left, he had looked to Soleum with worry, “Will you be alright?” he asked.
Soleum evaluated the expressions of the co-workers around them, “I think it should be fine… everyone looks much too drunk,” he assured. Ryu Jaekwan nodded, agreeing. Though that didn’t stop him from a few worried glance overs before he fully left.
It was quieter now, people were calling loved ones and friends to pick them up.
He felt... uncomfortable. He had no one he could rely on in that way… not here at least. The urge to go home grew, gnawed at him. He thought he had managed to crush all feelings of homesickness, but a trickle of jealousy and despair was escaping his heart, threatening to consume him.
The sudden and overwhelming smell of alcohol overwhelmed his senses when someone scooted up to the seat Ryu Jaekwan had previously occupied, leaning in.
“Soleum, I can call you casually right?” Soleum wasn’t given enough time to answer, “Where did you go to high school to have such a good head on your shoulders? I want to send my son there, ha!” His hand grabbed Soleum’s shoulder, uncomfortable.
His breath reeked of alcohol. Subconsciously, he pulled back.
A few more people had overheard the question, sending his seniors into a spiral of questions that grew more personal, going into depth about his childhood that Kim Soleum could not comfortably answer.
The pungent smell of alcohol drowned his senses, its unpleasant twang choking his vocal cords.
At least at this point, he had drunk enough to justify giving nonsensical mumbles in response.
Ryu Jaekwan suddenly appeared by Soleum, pushing off the hand on Soleum’s shoulder. “He’s drunk, I’m taking him home,”.
The seniors all sighed, weak protests quickly subsided as the alcohol fully hit. They could only groan, holding their heads, as Ryu Jaekwan helped pull Kim Soleum up from his seat.
“Where do you live? I can take you there,” Ryu Jaekwan asked, eyes glistening with worry. He let Kim Soleum lean on his shoulders as they walked out of the bar together. “Mm… I live around the intersection of XX and XY street,” Soleum murmured in response.
He didn’t want Ryu Jaekwan to see his living conditions, “I can get home on my own by then… I’ll be sobered up enough,” he argued. “Are you sure?” a hint of insistence pushing his tone. “I’d prefer it this way, please,” Soleum replied.
Normally, Ryu Jaekwan would respect his wishes, however “You were very drunk back there, you could barely put together a sentence, I want to make sure you make it home safely,” Ryu Jaekwan insisted. The sound of the word ‘home’ made him laugh, it took a few seconds to realize he had actually barked out a laugh on his own.
“I only acted that way because I didn’t want to answer their questions… Really, I’m okay. And I’ll get home safely,” Soleum insisted, as they were nearing the intersection. They would split paths soon.
Ryu Jaekwan sighed, the turmoil he felt was all over his face. “I’d still rather not leave you alone, inebriated, so late at night,” he muttered, glancing over Soleum to evaluate his levels of drunkenness.
“Truly, I will be okay. When I get back, I’ll send you a text message… okay?” he raised the arm that wasn’t leaning on his fellow agent, pinky up. Perhaps Ryu Jaekwan was a little moved by the childish action, because through the exhaustion in his eyes Soleum could sense a twinkle of amusement.
Soleum was still holding his pinky up when Ryu Jaekwan had carefully let him go, seeing if he could stand straight on his own at the intersection Soleum had requested.
Soleum’s head had spun a bit, but he made sure not to even wobble in front of Ryu Jaekwan, lest he has to go through this entire conversation again.
“As long as you get home safe,” Ryu Jaekwan reluctantly agreed, hooking his pinky with Soleum’s. Their thumbs pressed together, sealing the promise.
-ˋˏ ༻๑༺ ˎˊ-
He may be in Korea, the people around him may speak the same language he does, but this isn’t home. And lately… Kim Soleum has been missing it more.
It had its problems, its issues, but isn’t that human? He would rather have to work his repetitive office job every day without danger, the biggest worry being what he would have for dinner rather than if he would suddenly get assigned to a deadly darkness.
He knew no one here. No one could ever know him, understand him to the depths his heart craved. Perhaps that was a part of why he so easily fell to Braun’s words, his temptations, his promises of fulfillment.
When he was living in the dorms, Baek Saheon would disappear some weekends to visit god knows where, but that was home for him. He had connections here. Kim Soleum didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t.
Everyone had some sort of history here, there was some sort of landmark that was important to them, such as a store, a park, maybe a certain item at a cafe that held some sort of meaning and deep rooted history to them.
Kim Soleum didn’t have any of that, in many ways he felt that he was more of an alien in this world, faking his humanity. Pretending that he belonged here.
He had left his phone, screen up on the table. Staring blankly into the TV screen with the little kids cartoon characters smiling and running around.
This show had meaning to people, it had meaning to the little kids here who’d grow up and look back at it fondly. It was a reboot, so it probably had a lot of adults his age who’d view the show with yearning and nostalgia for those old, easy days. Perhaps even some adults couldn't bear to look at it because it had changed so much from what they remembered.
Those kinds of thoughts could not occur to Kim Soleum. He glanced over at his phone, there was something he needed to do, but he couldn’t remember. The screen stayed dark. No notifications, no invites or random chats from friends to meet or catch up.
Nothing at all.
How lonely, but that was simply how life was. That’s simply how it would be in this world that wasn’t home.
He sighed, pulling his legs up onto the bed and burying his head in his arms. He missed his world.
He missed when DER was just a coping mechanism for him, an escape from reality of sorts. Something to enjoy and read in leisure to pass the time while he was on his commute to and from work.
Something that he could connect with other people on. Now he had nothing, no interests, nothing to connect him to other people. He missed going to get korean barbeque with his friends occasionally, catching up and reminiscing on high school memories that he couldn’t even remember anymore.
Kim Soleum was a person who lived in the present, and worked towards the future.
He usually did not like dwelling on the past, but in a world where he has no past full of people around him who do, it was all that he could focus on.
People of the past, ghosts now perhaps, that called out to him, whispered to him
What was happening in his original world? Did his parents know what happened? Did they miss him?
He missed them. He missed his simple, boring, but fulfilling life. It had everything he needed and wanted.
What would happen if he died here? Would they bury his body? Would the Bureau try to reach out to a family that didn’t exist?
What would happen to his parents back home, unable to receive closure that their son was dead? Unable to bury his ashes in the graveyard plot they had already bought for them?
His head spun, he took quick, short breaths. He pinched himself, trying to ground himself.
The sickness, the nausea he felt, surely that was just the alcohol?
His mind wandered. Perhaps this world was a darkness, a ghost story. A ghost story inside a ghost story. That was what this world felt like to him. That must be why that, despite being in the ‘real world’. He felt that most times he was still in survival mode.
He had walls that nobody could penetrate, not that anyone even tried.
What would happen if someone tried to connect with him, tried to dig in deep with him and learn more about his past? His childhood?
There was too much that isolated him from this world, this reality in which everything felt false.
Someone would notice something was wrong with him immediately. They’d realize he wasn’t of this world, that he didn’t belong here. How would they react to a human being of a completely different reality?
Would they deny his existence? Maybe he’d be called a freak, treated negatively. Or maybe with terror, the faces that had once looked so warmly upon him could turn and treat him like a monster-
And perhaps in some definitions he is-
Some kind of monster, someone that shouldn’t exist, that shouldn’t be here. Someone that didn’t belong here.
The burden of existence within something, no someplace, that shouldn’t exist sent waves of nausea throughout him, panic locking every limb.
A burning sensation clawed at his chest, causing him to gasp for air- for the cool air tinged by a sour taste, oozing from the aged and long weathered wallpaper. It was like poison.
The signature song of the children’s show played in the background, loudly.
It was too cheerful. Too much.
It was a reminder that nothing in this world was his.
It wasn’t enough, fear shot through his body, unconsciously causing him to curl in on himself tighter. Eyes wide, shaking wildly, it felt like sweat was pooling around him, drowning him in fear. He could feel his body temperature rising, despair gnawed at him, he could only feel-
Feel the sweat causing his body to itch- as if his skin were being boiled.
Feel as if he were floating- dizziness which made him feel suspended in the air- floating away… into the sun which seared his very being-
Feel the pins and needles that stabbed at his hands- his fingers- urging him to mar himself-
Find some sort of way to ground himself and
breathe.
A ringing sound.
It was quiet at first, but it grew louder and louder. Increasing in frequency to be a loud whine in his ears that made everything feel too loud and too much at once. He could feel his hair, frazzled, brushing against his ears. The sounds echoed through his mind. His fingers felt too real - too defined - digging into flesh.
He couldn’t feel anything.
He dug deeper.
Clenching harder.
Seeking anything- anything that would bring him back to reality.
His teeth were clenched, aches sprung throughout his head, he reeled.
Pricks along his skin that felt like ants were crawling about his limbs. Hungry for blood. Feasting on his despair.
His head was pounding.
The weight of the world on his shoulders. The burden of his emotions.
He had no autonomy in this world- He was nothing-
He took a few more breaths, trying to calm the anxiety. It ebbed and it flowed.
It settled.
Knock. Knock. Knock. the pounding in his head slowly ceased. Knock.
The door seemed to shake.
Fear found its way to him once again, curling around him in a sinister embrace. Grasping his fingers, curling its tendrils around his throat. He couldn’t think rationally right now- he could only stay frozen-
The door opened.
“Grapes..”
It was Ryu Jaekwan.
“I apologize for the intrusion.. You never messaged me, and I was worried,”
His brain was too frazzled to process his presence, how he had gotten here, why he was here. His head spun.
“Are you…?” Ryu Jaekwan closed the door behind him, Soleum couldn’t hear his voice, it had faded.
His surroundings darkened. The room spun faster, harder.
Strong, firm, steady hands grabbed his shoulders. Grounding him. He looked up.
“You…” his mouth was dry. His voice cracked.
Invisible hands seized at his throat, threatening to tighten, threatening to keep him in their grasp forever. Ryu Jaekwan, noticing Soleum's dilemma, quietly sat down beside Soleum on the bed.
The way he looked around the area, warily, seemed to show disapproval… but also a strong concern.
“Can you talk right now?” Soleum shook his head.
“Would you like to talk?” Soleum shook his head again.
“Would you like water?” Soleum sat for a few moments before shaking his head.
“Do you want me to stay?” Soleum hesitated, before nodding. As much as he didn’t want to inconvenience the man beside him, he couldn’t deny that he needed someone at this moment.
“Are you okay with physical contact?” Ryu Jaekwan asked, eyes glancing over Kim Soleum worriedly. Soleum stared for a few moments back, eyes still wide, unable to blink before nodding.
He inched closer, slowly.
Ryu Jaekwan then reached a tentative arm around Soleum, pulling him in to lean against him.
They sat there like that for a few moments, frozen. Terrified.
Then Soleum started to relax.
He felt his head cool down, just a bit. His heart, which felt as if it had been pounding at the cage of his ribs calmed down, soothed by the presence with him.
Little crescents marked his skin, he hadn’t noticed.
He observed his nails, there was skin and small traces of blood under them. No doubt his own.
He could breathe again. Better.
Becoming aware of his surroundings, he realized how terrible he must have appeared. The sweat in his hair had caused it to frizz in odd directions, this was not the image of himself that he wanted him… his coworker… Agent Bronze… to have of him.
Ryu Jaekwan seemed to have noticed that Soleum was feeling better, because he had spoken once more, “Do you want to stay like this?”
Unable to answer, verbally once more. Not just because of his dry mouth, but his embarrassment, he nodded.
Thoughts whirled throughout his head, embarrassment, confusion, and an inkling of gratitude. He didn’t want anyone to see him like this… especially not someone he was actively betraying by existing. But it felt… nice.
He started to speak, but stopped. Hesitating. Ryu Jaekwan stayed quiet, an encouraging presence. “How are.. you here?” he asked.
A faint red dusted Ryu Jaekwan’s cheeks, “I… followed you. From a distance, just to make sure you got home safely,” he explained sheepishly. “That doesn’t explain how…”
“I saw you go in here.. And thought ‘maybe Grapes is visiting a friend’, but then you didn’t come out,”
Soleum only stared forward, towards the TV screen, dancing images of the children’s show still playing but the volume was lower. When had Ryu Jaekwan turned it down? How did he know?
“I asked the front desk if I could have a key, they let me have it. I wasn’t sure if I should be relieved or concerned… I think I’m leaning concerned…”
This was only supposed to be temporary. He would leave soon.
He didn’t want to create a home here, to find a space he would feel tempted to call home in this world. Whether that was a physical place… or… other people.
So that was why…
He pushed other people away subconsciously-
And was now crying that he was lonely. How pathetic.
“Grapes? Are you here? Do you want me to stop talking?”
… “Keep going,”
Ryu Jaekwan wasn’t much of a talker, but he would try. For his junior. “I was really worried about you. At the end of the day, I am grateful that I was able to come, so that is one instance where this lax security may be beneficial. Though,”
He bit his lip. “I’m… a bit scared to see you like this,”
Soleum stiffened. “Not in the way it comes off as. My apologies. I just,” he sighed. “I want you to be okay,”
Small wounds nicking his hands, an old.. downtrodden room with a foul and probably not healthy odor. The lax security.
“You deserve better,” I really don’t.
There seemed to be a hanging question in the air, one that Jaekwan was too scared to ask. Why?
The two sat in silence once more. It was alright, Kim Soleum felt… better. But he still needed to find the words he had wanted to say.
The light above them fizzled and popped, enveloping the room in darkness save for the dim light of the TV screen.
He found comfort in the lack of visibility. The inability to see his true face. And so he began, “I am alone,” he started, quietly.
He rubbed his tongue along his teeth, his mouth felt less dry. Like he could speak.
He felt.. Comfortable.
“I don’t have… a home,” he tried explaining, but he tried his best to remain vague about it. And Jaekwan didn’t press.
“People or place.. I don’t have a home,”
He doesn’t have a place here. He doesn’t belong here.
He wanted to go home, he so desperately wanted to be home.
“I want to go home,”
He wanted to go back to that normal life. He couldn’t get too attached to this world. He couldn’t get too close to anyone here, he refused to learn more about this world than necessary. He refused to learn about the people in this world more than necessary.
He refused to let the world see any unnecessary side of him. Because he would be going home, he has to. He needs to.
The wish potion, it was the only way. “The wish potion…” he muttered. “Are you tempted to go back to your old job?” Jaekwan asked, the first time he had talked since Kim Soleum had started.
He hesitated. “I don’t know…”
Soleum paused, he knew what reaction his next words would elicit, yet he would say them anyway.
“But it’s the only way…”
Jaekwan shook his head, but that’s because he didn’t understand. He would never know, he would never understand.
Then tell him. his heart urged, it begged. It needed someone, one person in this world to understand him. To get him. To open up to, to embrace.
I can’t- I can’t. I won’t. his brain screamed, he couldn’t do it.
“It.. truly is the only way… but I can’t explain it…”
He expected frustration, but Jaekwan only sighed. “I will trust you to tell me when you’re comfortable,”
Never, his brain screamed.
He didn’t reply, he couldn’t bring himself to lie.
Even then, just having Jaekwan here with him was enough.
He may feel alone in this world, but at least Jaekwan was here, right now.
Trying his best to understand a situation impossible to understand. Trying his best… for Soleum.
And perhaps that was enough. For now.
A temporary solution.