Archive of Our Own ^beta

JUNE 2007

Tommo had only been asleep for a few minutes when he heard the phone ring.

Even from downstairs, the ringing snapped him back into consciousness. He silently swore at whoever it was that was calling, chewing them out for interrupting his mid-afternoon nap.

Through the ridiculously thin floorboards of the otherwise picture-perfect house, Tommo could hear Leo’s voice engaging in pleasantries with the person on the other line. Tommo almost pitied whoever it was. While Leo’s bad habit in face-to-face conversation was the disregard of personal space, his over-the-phone behaviors weren’t much better. Tommo’s foster father did something that Tommo liked to call ‘The Call Cage’; the uncanny ability to trap people in conversations. The only way out was with a key, and Leo ending the conversation himself was said key. Frankly, his foster mum was the exact same way, capable of making lengthy conversations out of the most banal of topics.

It sort of made them perfect for each other, in a way, though Tommo would never say that aloud. Like most teenagers, considering any of his parents’ behaviors cute made him feel a bit ill.

“Tommy!” Leo called from the bottom of the stairs. “Phone for you!”

Burying his head in the pillow, Tommo chose to ignore the request for his presence, though in hindsight he wasn’t sure why he’d even thought that method would work.

“Tommy!”

Tommo groaned, equal parts annoyed at the nickname and at having to get up.

It should’ve been easy to ignore Leo’s summons and stay holed up in his room, but doing so would only turn it into “a situation” that resulted in his foster parents either A) continuing to holler his name ‘til he came downstairs, or B) scolding him later for being rude and hounding after him to call the person back. It was a common lecture for a troubled child that often included phrases like “behavioral issues” and “reversing serious improvement.” The Shaftners were sticklers for manners, and Tommo simply didn’t have the energy to start an argument tonight.

“Just a minute!” Tommo shouted back, pulling himself out of bed and begrudgingly padding downstairs.

Tommo was hoping it’d be one of the lads, as they were the only people to ever call him anyways. Well, aside from the ever-growing list of elderly neighbors that had decided he—the resident young person of Mayfield Terrace— was the best candidate for cat-sitting or lawnmowing or something equally as dull. The odds were quite high that he’d find Mrs. Gresham on the other line, asking him to pop over and fix her telly yet again. Or maybe it’d end up being Mr. Hayes from next door, finally piecing together that it was Tommo and his ‘rambunctious thieving mates’ that had fired that golf ball through the front windshield of his car. Accidentally, of course.

Tommo nodded a silent thanks to Leo as he handed off the phone, internally crossing his fingers that it would be someone he actually wanted to spend his time talking to.

“Hello?”

“Hiya, Tommy,” Ashley greeted, his cheeky grin practically audible in his voice.

Tommo rolled his eyes fondly. “Oh, fuck off.”

“Language, Thomas!” Leo called, turning over his shoulder as he rounded the corner.

The comment earned another exaggerated eye roll from Tommo, only this time with much less playful affection behind it.

“Someone sounds tired.”

“I am, actually, thanks very much,” Tommo returned, rubbing his eyes. “I were in the middle of a lovely mid-afternoon nap when you rang.”

“Sorry, man.”

“Don’t worry about it, mate. Is this purely a social call, or…”

Ashley cleared his throat. “D’ya want to come campin’ wit’ me tonight?”

“Camping?”

Tommo was taken aback that Ash wanted him, of all people, to come with.

He hadn’t been camping in years, not unless you counted the few times the lads all had sleepovers in Dylan’s back garden. Ever since the incident with Mary Bennett—Tommo still swore he hadn’t known that the fence was electric before pushing her into it— got him banished from the Cub Scouts, camping only reminded him of the smell of burnt hair.

“It’s not even really camping, like,” Ashley continued. “We’d just be sleepin’ in a tent on the hill behind me mam’s caravan.”

“And you’re positive you want me to come?” Tommo clarified. “Vinnie’s the outdoorsy one.”

“Come onnnn, Tommo. It’ll be fun.”

Tommo grumbled indecisively.

Ash cleared his throat. “I, erm, I wanted to talk to ya ‘bout somethin’, besides.”

“And you couldn’t do it over the phone? Or during our plans at Cardi’s on Friday?”

The shake of Ash’s head was practically audible through the phone. “It’s gotta be away from the lads. And- and my family.”

Tommo would be lying if he said that didn’t make him a little bit nervous. Intrigued, sure, but undeniably on edge. Whatever it was, Ashley made it sound serious, and the last thing any of them needed was for Ash to spin out.

“You were in Cubs, yeah? You can come impress me with all your knowledge.”

And while he really remembered very little about anything he’d learned, they both knew Ash’s comment had been the final nail in the coffin. What Tommo lacked in camping expertise, he made up for in being a show-off.

A smile fought its way onto Tommo’s face and he began to picture the way Ashley always wiggled his eyebrows whenever he knew he was winning an argument. He’d always found himself struggling with saying no to Ashley, and it would’ve been nice to get out of the house, besides.

“I’ll ask Leo and Margaret, yeah?”

Ashley scoffed. “Since when have you asked your parents for permission to do anythin’?

“Oh, I’m comin’ no matter what they say,” Tommo assured, making Ash laugh. “But it’s easier to avoid a fight if I just ask ‘em anyways.”

“Fair enough, yeah. Come ‘round at 6:00?”

“Perfect.”

“Cheers, Tommo.”

“See ya, love.”

Tommo put the phone down on the receiver and ran upstairs to pack a small bag. He still had nearly 4 hours ‘til he even had to think about leaving, but it would make for less hassle getting out the door, especially if his foster parents turned him down and he had to sneak out.

The overnight bag contained just about everything Tommo ever brought to a sleepover; a change of clothes, a torch, a handful of snacks to share—crisps, chocolate bars, the lot— and a couple spliffs from the secret stash he kept hidden under his bed.

Leaving his rucksack and sleeping bag by his bedroom door, he proceeded back downstairs to find his foster parents.

Tommo popped his head in the doorway to the veranda, where Leo and Margaret spent a majority of their time, especially when the weather was as nice as it was. They sat side by side in their respective chairs; Margaret sewing a jumper that Tommo had torn a hole in the week before, and Leo working on a puzzle from his seemingly endless collection.

“Ashley’s invited me ‘round,” Tommo said. “Can I take the car?”

Leo and Margaret shared a quick look. Tommo knew exactly what it meant. They were always disappointed with how frequently he was out of the house, and were tempted to say no, but knew the refusal would cause a different dilemma. If they’d said no, Tommo would either A) take the keys anyways, or B) bell up Vinnie and see if he could nick a car for him at the last minute. Tommo and his foster parents knew that either option led to the same result—him doing whatever he wanted— and it wasn’t exactly fair on them, but he played his cards the same regardless.

“I suppose,” Margaret said with a tut. “But promise you’ll be careful, yes? I don’t want to be paying to fix another dent in the hood.”

Tommo gave her a thumbs up and spun on his heels, freezing when Margaret spoke up again.

“Hold on a minute, young man.”

Rolling his eyes, Tommo turned around. “What?”

“What time will you be leaving, and when do you plan on coming home?”

“6:00, and I haven’t a fuckin’ clue.”

“Language, Thomas,” Leo chimed in.

“Tomorrow. Noon-ish, probably. Dunno yet.”

“You’re welcome to invite your friends ‘round here whenever, Taffy,” Margaret added. “It’d be lovely to get to know them more.”

Not likely, Tommo thought, but he nodded anyways to look like he was listening.

To Tommo, the whole point of having such a close group of friends was to be able to escape with them. By inviting them to his house, he was mixing his haven with the place he was always trying to escape from. It sounded harsh, and although he seldom if ever expressed it, he really was grateful to have a home that always welcomed him in, but the suffocation was just too much of an issue. The tiny little boring box his foster parents had made out of their lives would only hang over Tommo like some sort of harbinger of doom. It just seemed easier to keep his two “families” separate.

And it wasn’t like Tommo never talked about his friends (he wasn’t a total recluse), but it was always just easier to meet up somewhere else. Leo and Margaret had met Dylan a small handful of times, and they’d taken a real shine to him, as most adults often did with Dyl. They’d met Vinnie once, as well, though that’d been a less than ideal first meeting. Tommo had been in hospital, so both Vinnie and The Shaftners had been far too stressed to exchange any proper pleasantries. Leo and Margaret only knew the rest of Tommo’s mates by name.

Tommo stared blankly at his foster parents, eyes darting between them to check if any of them were planning on speaking up again.

When met with awkward silence, Tommo ran a hand through his hair. “Is that all, then?”

“Are you boys doing anything fun?” Margaret asked as an afterthought, unmistakably trying to get Tommo to stick around longer.

Tommo sighed. “We’re camping out on a hill behind his place.”

Leo picked his head up. “Camping? Tommy, that’s wonderful!”

“It’s a tent in a field.”

“It’ll be like your Cubs days.”

“Really, it’s just a tent in a field.”

“I’ll go and get you my telescope.”

“Leo, you don’t have t-”

“No point in learning all those constellations if you’re not putting it to use,” Leo chided, already out of his seat. “Back in a tick.”

Tommo shot a pleading look to Margaret, who only smiled softly and shook her head before bringing her focus back to her sewing.

Leo had always been overly supportive of Tommo’s brief time as a Cub Scout, encouraging him to continue building his wilderness survival skills. He’d taught Tommo how to recognize a majority of the constellations, as Tommo had already been kicked out before they’d reached the star-mapping unit. In all honesty, Tommo quite enjoyed astronomy, and had been a natural in all of Leo’s mini-lessons, but he’d downplayed his keenness so much that Leo had eventually stopped trying.

But Tommo never forgot. Not totally, at least. He hadn’t even considered bringing a telescope, but maybe he would have something to impress Ashley with after all.

Leo clapped Tommo on the shoulder as he re-entered, pushing the neatly packaged and probably ridiculously expensive telescope into Tommo’s underqualified hands.

“You remember how to use it, right, lad?”

“Yes,” Tommo said pointedly. “Don’t worry, Leonard, your lessons weren’t all for naught.”

“Alright then, Thomas,” Leo teased. “No need for the tone.”

Chuckling softly, Leo reached up and ruffled Tommo’s hair, who leaned back as far as he could to escape it, but not before a poorly-concealed smile could form on his face.

“You boys be safe tonight, alright?”

“Sir, yes, sir,” Tommo said with a salute.

“Love you, petal,” Margaret added.

Tommo gave her a salute as well, which she responded to with a tender smile.

Turning around and glancing one final time at his foster parents over his shoulder, Tommo headed back upstairs, telescope in hand.

~

The drive to Ashley’s place had been quiet. Tommo kept the radio off and the windows down, periodically tapping cigarette ash out onto the winding country roads, careful to not leave any trace in his foster parents’ car. He would be shocked if they didn’t know he smoked by now, but they certainly wouldn’t have been happy if he’d burned any holes in the interior.

He drummed his fingers against the steering wheel. Tommo felt nervous, and he was having trouble understanding why. Margaret always liked to blame unexplainable nerves on incoming bad weather, but the sky was completely clear. It was shaping up to be a perfect night for stargazing, really, but Tommo’s main focus was on Ashley’s words during their phone call.

I wanted to talk to ya ‘bout somethin’, besides.

Surely it couldn’t have been anything too grave, or else Ash probably would’ve just told him outright. Right? Serious often meant urgent, and he hadn’t sounded panicked, or even remotely upset, which was a fact Tommo decided to latch onto to keep himself level.

When he pulled his car into the clearing behind the cluster of caravans, Ashley was already waiting for him. He was seated on a rock, bags at his feet and a piece of straw between his teeth. He picked his head up as the gravel crunched underneath Tommo’s wheels, locking eyes with him through the windshield. The smile that consumed Ashley’s face was radiant, and Tommo swallowed thickly, holding a hand up to wave. His palms felt sweaty. Why was he so sweaty? It was only Ashley. Nothing to be nervous about there.

Ashley had rocked up to the car before Tommo even switched the engine off.

“Hey up, Tommo,” Ash greeted, his grin only growing wider.

He looked over his shoulder quickly, almost as if he were expecting someone to be spying on them, before reaching through the open window and snatching Tommo’s half-smoked cigarette right from his mouth.

“Help yourself,” Tommo said sarcastically. “Not like I were havin’ that or anything.”

Ash took a slow drag, blowing a puff of smoke out of the corner of his mouth before dropping the cigarette to the gravel drive and extinguishing it with the toe of his boot. Tommo shot him a mean look, which Ash returned with a shrug.

“You gettin’ out or what?”

“Hold your horses, Ashley,” Tommo grumbled. “I only just got here. Christ.”

“What’s that in the back, there?”

Tommo threw his hands up in disbelief as Ash moved to open the door to the backseat. Sometimes it felt impossible to keep the other man focused for more than two seconds.

There was something different about the way Ash was acting, though. The jumping around from topic-to-topic didn’t ring as his usual short attention span, but nerves, rather. He was trying to fill the silence, to keep himself busy and to give Tommo no room to ask about why. To anyone else, Ashley only seemed excited. But to Tommo, it was clear that Ashley was antsy. Everything he was doing was an attempt at masking how nervous he was; a behavior Tommo exhibited on the regular.

“A telescope,” Tommo answered, pushing open his door once Ash stepped away. “Leo lent it to me for the night, so try not to damage it with your terrifyin’ massive hands.”

A low blow, Tommo knew it, and Ashley slapped him lightly on the back of his head. Well, as lightly as he could, because his hands really were massive.

“I’ve got weed and snacks in me bag,” Tommo told him, slinging it over his shoulder.

Ashley excitedly pumped his fist. “I’ve got all the tent stuff, yeah? ‘S about a 10 minute walk up, might be 15 wit’ your little legs, though.”

Tommo glared at him again, but he’d already jogged back over to his bags before Tommo had the chance to smack him. Tommo froze for a moment, observing Ash gather their gear and the caravans beside them. This was the only time Tommo had been here and not stopped in to greet Ash’s family. Neither Mo nor her husband particularly liked Tommo, but he’d been told it were the respectful thing to do. Maybe they’d been in an argument or something, and that was what Ash wanted to talk to him about.

“Earth to Tommo over there!” Ash called. “You alright, man?”

“Coming!”

On the walk up, Ashley had fallen uncharacteristically silent. It was a staggering dichotomy from how he’d been out by the car. Tommo assumed it had something to do with whatever he’d wanted to talk about, but he found himself struggling to bring it up. It was obviously the reason behind the impromptu camping trip, and even more obviously something that was bothering Ash, but Tommo decided against asking. As curious as he was, Tommo bit his tongue, following Ashley up the hill in peaceful silence.

The view from the top of the hill was gorgeous, Tommo had to admit it, and he paused for a few minutes simply to admire it. He breathed in the warm summer air, the sounds of laughter from the travelers’ site having faded into the far distance. The people milling about the caravans seemed miles below them, now. Ashley stood just behind him, taking a deep inhale as he surveyed the sight. Tommo turned to look over his shoulder, catching Ash right as he turned his head to quickly avert his gaze.

Tommo’s brow furrowed slightly. “What-”

“This is where we’re settin’ up camp, yeah?” Ash said, eyes trained on the ground. “There’s a fire pit built over there and all.”

“Y-yeah, sure,” Tommo stuttered out. “Seems fine to me, sweetheart.”

Tommo eyed Ash again briefly, who was visibly trying to focus on the tent and only the tent.

Setting up camp consisted of Ashley doing all the actual work while Tommo stood behind him making snide comments, handing him the occasional tent peg so nobody could argue he wasn’t helping any.

“You said you were in Cubs, man.” Ashley huffed in frustration, sitting back on his haunches. “Fuck kinda tent pitchin’ d’ya call this?”

Tommo shrugged. “I’m supervisin’, aren’t I?”

Ashley glared at him.

“Someone needs to make sure you do it right, Ashley, think about it.”

“I am, and I t’ink you’re not qualified to be a supervisor of fuckin’ anything.”

“You’re the one that invited me to come along, sunshine.”

Ashley rolled his eyes and muttered a comment under his breath that Tommo didn’t quite catch. There was a poorly-masked smile on Ash’s face that made Tommo’s heart flutter. Even when they bickered, neither of them could stay mad at each other if they tried.

In all honesty, the tent wasn’t much to rave about in its completed state. It was thin, and a little lopsided, and definitely a bit smaller than Tommo had anticipated. It seemed like it would just barely able to fit the both of them inside. It would be a bit of a tight squeeze, but for once, Tommo felt lucky to be on the smaller side. It wasn’t like he’d never shared a bed with Ashley before, and he’d never say no to a good cuddle, either.

Tommo dug the weed and the snacks from his bag, lighting the end of the spliff as Ashley worked on getting a fire going.

For a while, they just sat. Listening to the crackle of the fire, passing the spliff back and forth and laughing over nothing in particular. It felt nice, light, normal. Tommo was happy to listen to Ashley crack jokes for bloody eons, but there was a voice nagging at the back of his mind, still. I wanted to talk to ya ‘bout somethin’, besides. It’d felt like ages since they’d gotten up the hill, and Ashley had stopped acting like anything was wrong. Tommo looked over at him, watching as he inhaled another lungful of smoke, the setting sun casting a warm glow onto his focused complexion. Ash looked up, his blue eyes twinkling as he caught Tommo staring. As a response, he blew smoke into Tommo’s face with a grin. Tommo coughed and chuckled quietly, taking the spliff as Ash handed it back.

They’d finished nearly Tommo’s entire stash of snacks by the time the sun had disappeared beyond the horizon. Neither of them had spoken for some time.

Tommo tilted his head up, the stars becoming more visible as the sky slowly darkened. It really was a perfect night for stargazing, and Tommo was grateful that Leo had been so set on lending him the telescope. Tommo gave the last of the spliff to Ashley as he pushed himself up, grabbing the carrying case from their tent.

“Hope you’re better at settin’ this up than you are with a tent,” Ash teased half-heartedly.

Tommo flipped him off

There was a weight to Ash’s voice that Tommo didn’t remember being there before. Distracted, almost. Maybe it was from all the weed. He didn’t quite trust that his own brain and mouth would be as in-sync as they should’ve been.

As he fiddled with the telescope—which was hard enough to do without being high— he took another glance over at Ash, who had gone abnormally and worryingly silent again. It was strange to see, really, Ash being so reserved. His behavior over the course of the night had been inconsistent, Tommo discerned, noticing how he’d either been restlessly talkative or completely shut down.

Ashley sat with one arm atop his bunched up knees and his chin atop them both, the other hand picking absentmindedly at the grass. He’d periodically let out a near-silent sigh, but otherwise gave no indication of even being present. He hadn’t even realized Tommo had been staring again.

“Sooo,” Tommo began, drawing out the vowel for unnecessarily long. “What was it you wanted to talk to me about?”

Ashley didn’t answer for a minute, and Tommo cleared his throat. He put his face up to the eyepiece, messing around with the focuser just to have something to busy himself with. There wasn’t much to see through the telescope that they couldn’t both see with just their eyes, but Tommo figured it took some of the pressure off of Ash.

“Oh, I-I, ehm…” Ash stammered. “It weren’t anythin’ important, like.”

“Ashley, love, you summoned me all the way the fuck out here to spend the night wi’ you. If you think I’m gonna believe that excuse, you are sorely mistaken.”

Tommo looked back over to see Ash shrug and turn his head away, the expression on his face being that of someone caught in a lie.

“What’s the matter, eh?”

Ashley shook his head.

“Is it about a girl or summat?”

Ashley shook his head more adamantly. Tommo was suspicious, though. Most guys their age were only ever thinking about girls, so it seemed like a natural jumping off point. He knew Ashley was hiding something, but it was difficult to pinpoint exactly what.

“You know you can tell me if it is,” Tommo said gently. “I am an encyclopedia of relationship advice, mate.”

Ashley scoffed. “Your last bird dumped you after two weeks, Tom.”

Ouch.

“Touché, but that don’t mean I’m not qualified.”

Technically speaking, Tommo wasn’t wrong. Most of his relationships had been incredibly short-lived, true, but Tommo liked to think of himself as wise because of it. He’d had the most experience out of all of their mates, though he’d only really gotten it through repeated rejections and breakups. He’d never much liked commitment, anyways.

“I’m all ears, sunshine. Whoever it is.”

“‘S not about a girl, Tommo,” Ash finally said, pointedly. “Sorta the opposite, really.”

While Tommo never considered himself to be the smartest of people, he was pretty sure he was picking up what Ash was putting down. It didn’t exactly take Einstein to figure it out.

And it wasn’t like Tommo had never suspected something like it, either.

He’d known Ash for a solid 5 years now, and while all their other friends were going on dates and swapping stories of which girls they’d gotten to which bases with, Ash had never really participated in those kinds of conversations. Tommo never pushed to find out about it, though, figuring Ash was keeping to himself for good reason.

Tommo nodded, his eyes trained on Ashley. He noticed the subtle quiver in his lip, the light from the dying fire catching on a few unshed tears in the other man’s eyes.

“In your own time, love,” Tommo added quietly.

Ashley inhaled. “I… I t’ink I might be gay.”

Tommo let the silence settle for a moment, and Ash still didn’t look at him. He opened his mouth to speak, to reassure Ashley it was okay, but he was cut off before he got the chance.

“No, sorry, I know I am, like.”

A beat.

“I’m gay, Tommo.”

The words were out, the penny now having dropped, and Ashley kept his eyes forward.

Tommo didn’t rush to say anything.

The fire popped, the last remaining pieces of smoldering wood shifting their formation.

Ash’s fingers drummed against his knees, and he braved a split-second glimpse in Tommo’s direction. Tommo took it as a signal to speak.

“Congratulations.”

Ash looked over, confused. “What?”

“Congratulations, mate.”

“That all you got, yeah?”

“What else is there?” Tommo returned simply, offering him an easy smile.

For a moment, Ash finally made eye contact with Tommo. The relief in his gaze was visible, his body practically deflating with a long exhale. He chuckled to himself, and Tommo could practically hear every thought running through his friend’s mind.

Maybe congratulations hadn’t been the exact appropriate response, but Tommo had meant it. He figured Ash didn’t want a whole big song and dance about it, so he opted for being concise. He was proud of Ashley, of fucking course he was, and there wouldn’t have been a world where he wasn’t, but brevity seemed like the way to go. Besides, Ash would probably get a long-winded speech of acceptance from the other lads, and Tommo figured it would save them time.

“You fancy anyone we know?” Tommo said, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Straight into business, then, huh?”

“I’m curious, is all. Had any fun with any dashing young lads?”

“Christ, Tommo,” Ashley laughed. “You sound like an old woman.”

“Eh, question still stands.”

“Wanker.”

“No, no, Ashley, I mean it,” Tommo said, doubling down. “You are contractually obligated to tell me all the mucky details of your love life.”

Ashley laughed again, trying to turn his face away from where Tommo could see him. It would’ve been easy to blame on the ganja, or the glow from the embers, but Tommo could’ve sworn there was a blush on Ash’s cheeks.

“Ohhh, go on, then,” Tommo goaded.

“Fine. You know Daniel?”

“Daniel Dowerman from the tailor’s? Or Daniel whats-his-nuts from the chip shop?”

“Chip shop,” Ash admitted, rolling his eyes at the way Tommo’s jaw dropped. “Made out wit’ him a few times in the back room, and always came home smellin’ like grease.”

A weird feeling settled in Tommo’s gut. A mix of butterflies and a heavy weight. He was too distracted by Ash’s confession to focus on it, but it reminded him of the time Dylan hooked up with Hayley Carver, and Tommo had been so envious he’d avoided speaking to him for a week straight. He’d had a similar, almost-nauseous feeling right up until Dyl called it quits. Tommo didn’t quite grasp the similarities between the situations now. He dismissed the discomfort in favor of studying Ash’s shy grin as he continued talking.

“He were the one who called it off,” Ash continued. “Lasted nearly 2 months and I never got a free kebab or nothin’.”

Tommo tutted. “A crying shame, really.”

“Can’t go in that chippy anymore, neither.”

“To give you credit where it’s due… I think you’re worth much more than a free kebab, love.”

Ashley fell silent. Tommo didn’t look over, but he could feel his eyes on him. It was the same thing he’d felt standing on the hill earlier, Ashley staring at him as if he were trying to memorize every millimeter of him, and every millisecond of the night. When Tommo finally managed to turn his head, Ashley had already looked away. He hummed quietly to himself, almost as a delayed response to Tommo’s comment.

“And you’re really alright with all this?”

“You feelin’ up Chippy Daniel? I mean, good on you, sunshine, but I wouldn’t say he’s exactly my perfect cup of tea, so to speak.”

“Not him, Tommo,” Ash emphasized. “Me.”

A quiet oh passed Tommo’s lips. Ashley coming out to him had felt like such a normal thing that he realized he still hadn’t said anything to him other than ‘congratulations.’

Tommo smiled softly at him and nodded. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Not everyone is, y’know,” Ash said, distractedly glancing at the caravans. “The last t’ing I want is to be discarded cuz of somethin’ like this.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry about that wi’ me, love. I’m proud of you, and I couldn’t be more alright with it, long as you’re happy.”

Ashley nodded, muttering the word “cool” under his breath in a way that was, frankly, adorable. No matter how few words Ashley said, there was no hiding that reassured grin on his face. It was painfully obvious that he was downplaying his excitement. Tommo made a soft noise of amusement.

Rejection was a scary thing, especially when it came to matters like this. It made sense that Ash had been so nervous, honestly, what with his family being the way that they were.

The Dennings’ were good people, for the most part. They were strong, trustworthy, unified, but their views tended to be a tad old-fashioned. Niall and even Mick—young as he was— were fighters, and Tommo didn’t doubt they’d kill any man who dared to hurt Ashley, but he also knew they’d kill any man who hurt their preconceived notion of what “normal” was. Mo was cut from the same cloth, though her words were her real weapon. If her actions towards Dylan said anything, Tommo didn’t like to imagine what she’d think of an actual gay person, let alone her own son. One wrong move from Ash could land him in some serious trouble.

The way Ashley had glanced down at the caravans earlier hadn’t been intentional, Tommo suspected. He’d seemed to have done it entirely absentmindedly, worried that they’d somehow hear him. It was a common thing with Ashley; he always doubled checked surroundings. It didn’t take a detective to pick up the differences in how Ash acted around his family, in the way he was overly affectionate only when he was positive that he was in safe company. Tommo supposed the clues were there from the very beginning.

Ashley didn’t say anything about it, but he didn’t have to. Tommo knew exactly how much his acceptance mattered, and the nerves stemming from his family was something that stayed unspoken between them. And in fairness, Tommo wouldn’t want to talk to his foster parents about his sexuality, either.

“You’re not the only one, besides.”

Even in his peripheral vision, Tommo saw how quickly Ash snapped his head to gape at him.

“You mean…”

Tommo nodded minutely. He smirked at the sight of Ash’s eyes widening, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water as he searched for a proper response.

“You’re gay too!?” Ash exclaimed.

“Not strictly,” Tommo replied casually. “Had my dalliances with men and women, alike. S’pose I’d be bisexual or summat, if you wanted specifics, but I’m not really one for labels.”

Ash remained speechless.

Tommo shrugged and met his gaze. “We can’t choose who we love, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Ash huffed quietly.

Looking into his eyes, Tommo could no longer read any of the thoughts in Ash’s head. Hell, he could barely even grasp what was going on in his own. The longer he remained staring at Ashley, the more restless he felt. The blush on Ash’s face matched that of his own, and he was beginning to have a difficult time rationalizing the growing heat in his cheeks as still just being from the campfire.

He could’ve sworn he saw Ashley begin to inch closer, but with a needlessly forceful clear of his throat, Tommo turned his head away in a panic.

“This bloody thing,” he said, gesturing vaguely to the telescope and sniffling. “Can’t see a whole lot. Nothin’ we can’t see with our eyes, anyways.”

It was a lie, and an obvious one at that. Tommo cringed internally. Plenty was visible, he just hadn’t been able to come up with an excuse quick enough. He laid down, suddenly unsure of what to do with his body. He laced his fingers across his stomach in an attempt to hide that his hands were shaking. Tommo wasn’t used to feeling like this, and he was making a pathetic attempt at ignoring the reasons why.

Ash was smarter than anyone ever gave him credit for, but no matter how obvious it was, he didn’t stop to question Tommo’s sudden anxious disposition. Instead, he mirrored the smaller man’s position, laying flat on his back and casting his eyes to the stars. He was close enough to touch, but Tommo kept his hands still.

As Tommo stared up at the sky, the names of each constellation Leo had taught him about flooded back to him, though he’d never totally forgotten them. He’d spent many a sleepless night outside—sometimes having snuck out and over to the hill behind Farmer Jim’s land, other times just sat in his own back garden— trying to recall as many as he could. He would never tell Leo of this, but he’d wanted to ensure he could always map out his favorite stars. Their outlines appeared in the night above him now as though they were being sketched out in real time.

“Ursa Minor to the right there,” Tommo said, pointing. “With Draco winding around it.”

Beside him, Ash scooted himself closer to see from Tommo’s angle. He followed where Tommo was pointing and hummed quietly in acknowledgement.

“There’s Serpens Cauda,” Tommo continued, reveling in the sound of Ashley’s hushed exclamations. “And erm, Aquila, I believe.”

“You learned all this as a scout, yeah?”

“Leo, actually. I’ve got ‘em all memorized by now, mostly thanks to him.”

“Dead impressive, Tommo,” Ash whispered. “Go on, then. What else is there?”

The childlike wonder in his voice made Tommo’s heart flutter. It was rare he got the chance to practice his skills with another person, and Ash’s excitement was going straight to his head. It felt easy, this. For once, Tommo didn’t feel embarrassed or childish for knowing so many facts about astronomy. Ashley was listening, and that was all that really mattered.

“That little cluster is Hercules-”

“Like the Disney movie?” Ash said eagerly, cutting Tommo off.

Tommo laughed softly. “If you like.”

“Aw, grand.”

“If you look close, you should be able to see the crook of his arm right over there.”

“I t’ink I see it,” Ashley tilted his head, moving another smidge closer to Tommo. “Big arms he had, yeah?”

“Known for ‘em, mate.”

“Handsome fella.”

“And a hero,” Tommo hummed. “Big and strong, but a lover at heart. Bit like yourself, I s’pose.”

Tommo’s eyes stayed up as he searched for something new to point out, observing every flicker of every star, and did not notice that Ashley’s were on him.

Tommo made out the edges of Scorpius, and opened his mouth to ramble another set of facts.

Ash’s lips were on his before he got the chance.

For a moment, the world felt like it stood still.

Ash had propped himself with his left arm, leaning over so Tommo was underneath him, his right hand hovering awkwardly above the grass on the other side of Tommo’s body. The kiss was merely a light press of their lips, but a sudden enough maneuver that Tommo at first felt no emotion other than pure surprise.

Without thinking, Tommo instinctively put his hands to Ash’s chest, gently pushing him off.

They stared at each other for a silent moment, both pairs of eyes scanning the other’s face for any semblance of a reaction. Tommo swallowed thickly, and he couldn’t remember if he’d been breathing too hard or not enough.

If he were being truthful, he hadn’t wanted Ashley to stop. Tommo couldn’t remember the last time anyone had kissed him so sweetly, if anyone ever had. Even with all of his experience in the field, he hadn’t kissed very many people without an expectation of sex either preceding or following it. This was different. Tommo couldn’t pinpoint the exact reasons why, but he knew this wasn’t at all like the others. Ashley wasn’t like the others.

A flash of something unfamiliar—something close to guilt or panic— dawned on Ashley’s face. Tommo involuntarily huffed a noise of disbelief, and Ash’s eyes flicked down to his lips briefly, his brow furrowing.

But before Ash could begin to pull away, or spiral into a million regrets and apologies, Tommo grinned. He brought his hand to carefully cup Ashley’s jaw, closing the gap and slotting their lips together once more.

Ashley smiled into the kiss, his once-empty (and irritatingly massive) right hand coming to rest along Tommo’s waist, gripping it tightly.

Readjusting the arm he was propping himself up with, Ashley brought his free hand to touch Tommo’s face, knuckles delicately caressing the hair at his temple. Tommo slowly began to stroke Ash’s cheekbone with his thumb. Ash sighed, breathing heavily through his nose, and Tommo could feel the puff of air on his face.

Tommo was hyper-aware of every sensation around him; Ash’s chest expanding against his own, calloused fingers on his face, the strong hand running down his thigh, the thick grass underneath his back, the flavor of weed and chocolate in both his own mouth and Ashley’s.

It rendered Tommo completely and utterly defenseless.

Gradually, the hand that’d been massaging Tommo’s hip and thigh began to creep further inwards. Ashley toyed with Tommo’s jeans, two fingers beginning to slip underneath his waistband.

Tommo caught his wrist.

“Easy, tiger,” he said into the kiss.

Ash obeyed, keeping his hand still once Tommo had loosened his grip, but showed no signs in letting up the fervent way he was kissing him. As much as Tommo appreciated the enthusiasm, and as distractingly good as that enthusiasm felt, there was an element of haste to Ash’s actions that Tommo wasn’t sure about. For once, Tommo found himself not wanting to rush anything.

“Ash,” Tommo murmured.

A kiss.

“Ashley.”

Another kiss.

“Ashley, stop.”

Quickly, Ash pulled his head back, both of them halting to catch their breath. Tommo kept a hand against Ash’s cheek, and Ash stared down at him, eyes rapidly scanning for any semblance of a reaction in Tommo’s expression.

“You alright?” Ash asked earnestly. “Did I do somethin’ wrong?”

Tommo shook his head. “No, love, you— I mean, fucking hell, Ashley. Dunno how the hell Chippy Daniel never gave you anythin’ for free, kissing like that.”

The blush on Ash’s face was unmistakable, his cheeks still warm to the touch under Tommo’s hand. He chuckled shyly and lightly pinched at Tommo’s hip.

“What’s the matter, then?”

“I just…” Tommo trailed off, his words escaping him as quickly as they’d arrived.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want this, whatever this was going to end up being, but the timing just didn’t feel right. And it wasn’t something Tommo was used to, really. Whenever else he’d gotten as far as he and Ashley had, there hadn’t been any real reason to stop. Tommo would talk to someone new, they’d hook up, maybe they’d try to make something work for a week or so after, but it never ended well for either party. He just wasn’t built for much beyond the occasional shag. Did he lose people over it? Of course. Was he called a prick and a slag and a wanker? Countless times. But that was the reputation Tommo held, and he’d never encountered a problem with his methods.

Until now.

Ash’s face went slack, and Tommo could see the panic start to set in, clearly worried that he'd overstepped and Tommo didn’t want this at all.

Quick to reassure him, Tommo patted Ash’s face carefully. “Not tonight, sunshine, alright?”

A slight pout formed on Ash’s lips, likely unintentionally, and Tommo laughed.

“I’m not havin’ our first time be in the middle of a fuckin’ field, love.”

Tommo realized the implications of what he’d said only after the words were out of his mouth, and he knew Ashley had a similar realization, but he gave no indication of taking it back.

Ash hummed quietly. “Prob’ly wise, that.”

Nodding, Tommo leaned up to press another kiss to Ash’s lips, simply because he could.

He felt giddy doing it, his heart skipping a beat in his chest and warmth spreading in his cheeks. It felt like such a teenage cliché that Tommo couldn’t help but be amused. He broke away from Ash with a short burst of coy laughter.

Ashley joined in, giggling as he released his hold on Tommo and laid flat beside him.

They didn’t look at each other. Tommo was trying to busy himself by studying the same constellations over and over and over again. His mind was racing. He’d been so caught up in the moment of how wonderful the kiss was—so much so that he’d never realized before just how badly he’d been wanting to do it— that he’d taken little time to ponder what exactly it meant.

Did he have a crush on Ashley? Maybe, but Tommo wasn’t used to thinking of anyone like that, and he wasn’t going to start now if he could help it.

Did he want to kiss again? Abso-fucking-lutely.

Did he know what that meant for them? For their friendship going forward? Not a clue.

Tommo pushed the thoughts away before he could fall down a spiral. He’d have time to dwell on this later. Now, he wanted to rest. He wanted to sleep next to Ashley in their shitty tent and just exist in the moment, whatever it was.

Sitting up, Tommo ran his hands through his hair with a sigh. He saw Ash’s eyes follow him in his peripheral vision.

“Think it’s time to turn in,” Tommo said, rising to his feet. He turned towards Ash and held out a palm. “Care to join me?”

Ash smiled and wordlessly took his hand.

~

The tent was even smaller on the inside than Tommo had been expecting.

Like a reverse TARDIS, Tommo thought, but decided against saying aloud. He figured Ash would want to talk about the kiss—kisses, plural— eventually, and now didn’t seem an appropriate time for jokes.

“You comfortable?” Ash asked quietly.

Tommo adjusted his shoulders. “I’ve slept in worse places.”

Ashley huffed a quiet laugh and turned on his side, snaking an arm around Tommo’s waist. He moved gently, slowly, like he was worried any added closeness would scare Tommo off.

Exhaling softly, Tommo rested his hand atop Ashley’s wrist. It was meant to signal to Ash that he wasn’t going to shy away from the affection, and Ash seemed to understand, because it was only a matter of seconds before his head came to settle on Tommo’s chest.

“Does this mean I get free tokens at the arcade, now?” Ash questioned.

Tommo laughed. “Only if you’re nice to me.”

Without another word, Ash untangled himself from Tommo’s arms, sitting up and pressing another long kiss right to Tommo’s lips.

It was… not chaste, to say the least, and Tommo felt out of breath by the time Ash pulled back. Awestruck, Tommo simply let out another laugh.

“You are very persuasive, Ashley Dennings.”

“Am I now?”

Tommo nodded adamantly. “Your methods are far too efficacious, and I am nowt but an impressionable young soul.”

“You’re off your rocker, is what you are.”

“That, too.”

Ash kissed him again, and Tommo smiled into it.

“Free tokens, it is.”

Seemingly satisfied with this newfound deal, Ash settled back into his previous position. Tommo pressed his cheek against the top of Ash’s head, one arm on Ash’s wrist still and the other wrapping around his back.

“Do any of the lads know?” Tommo asked carefully, not wanting any remotely serious talk to stress Ashley out, thus disrupting the, admittedly, very nice cuddle they were having.

“Know what?”

Tommo didn’t dignify the question with a response. It seemed obvious, namely because of all the kissing and the cuddling, but common sense wasn’t always Ashley’s strong suit.

“Oh, the whole gay t’ing?” Ash asked, and Tommo nodded. “Right, yeah. ‘S just Vinnie. And- and you, now.”

“Right.”

If Tommo knew Vinnie, his reaction to Ash’s coming out likely wouldn’t have been very different to Tommo’s. The first half of it, at least. Vinnie was remarkably easy to talk to, and he was nothing if not unequivocally and unwaveringly loving. He probably would’ve had a few more words for Ash than just ‘congratulations,’ though.

“What about you?” Ash returned.

Tommo shook his head. “You’re… you’re the first person I’ve told.”

“I’m honored.”

And Tommo could tell he meant it.

He dragged his nails along Ash’s arm, tracing shapes and letters and constellations onto his skin, warm to the touch. For their contradictory size differences, it amused Tommo that Ash was the little spoon in this scenario. The temperature outside was hot, if anything, but letting go of each other seemed futile. Tommo hadn’t done this with anyone in a long time. It felt nice to just do this. Soothing, even. He readjusted his hold on Ash’s body, continuing the slow and rhythmic movements of his fingers. Ashley stifled a yawn.

“Cheers, Tommo.”

“What for?”

“Mm, tonight,” he murmured, his voice heavy with sleep. “And everythin’ else.”

Tommo figured Ash could have been talking about any number of things, but getting answers out of him now would’ve been a waste of effort. Ashley was like a rock when he slept, and based on the way his breathing began to even out, it’d be seconds before he’d be passed out.

“Always, love,” Tommo whispered, pressing a feather-light kiss to Ash’s forehead.

Once Tommo was sure Ash had fallen asleep, he let his mind wander.

Ash was his best friend. Or one of them, at least. In all honesty, this night together seemed like a long time coming, and the only real unexpected aspect was the… erm, passion of the kiss. None of their group had ever been afraid to be affectionate with one another; Cardi had kissed all of them at least once, Dylan gave hugs like his life depended on it, and Vinnie never said no to a cuddle. Hugs and holding hands and quick pecks as hellos & goodbyes. And Tommo was no exception. He’d kissed Vinnie plenty of times, and often Ash on the cheek or forehead, but this was different. Tommo wasn’t sure if that difference felt good or bad.

Tommo wanted to believe that they were both secure enough in their identities that no matter what happened, this wouldn’t fuck up their relationship. They were friends, and that was fine. In Tommo’s eyes, anyone who let an entire bond dissipate because of one (or several, in their case) silly kiss was immature. They were 17, and they were stoned, and they could move on. Nothing had to change.

But it almost certainly would, wouldn’t it?

That was what scared him. He’d never liked change much, though with the childhood he’d had, change had always been unavoidable.

Oftentimes he felt like a walking contradiction. He hated change, but couldn’t stay stagnant for too long without getting bored. He didn’t understand romantic love, but he dated and he slept around at every chance he could get. He wanted to be a private person, but he’d never once stopped anyone from getting too close.

Ashley’s face was buried in his neck, arms around torsos and legs pressed into legs.

Tommo desperately tried to recall feeling so comfortable with someone, and he couldn’t. Every name of every girl he’d ever gotten with, every guy he’d ever even fancied, and he was drawing a total blank.

It was strange, and a little scary, and so very good.

And sure, Tommo never claimed to know a lot about love. Relationships and sex fell under his area of expertise, but to him, those were different. He’d had girlfriends, and a boyfriend once that the lads never knew about, but those weren’t love. His past flings had mostly been a matter of convenience, for sex, or in a desperate attempt to feel normal when it came to romance.

Those people and those relationships had been nice (for the most part), but Tommo couldn’t confidently say he was in love with them. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever be in love with anyone.

Tommo thought about his friends. They were the one constant in his life he’d never grown tired of. He found something new to love about each of them with every passing day, but it was a different kind of love, that.

Tommo thought about Leo and Margaret. He thought he must love them, and he did in his own way, not that he ever said it out loud, but that wasn’t the same thing either. The way his foster parents loved each other was unfamiliar. It was honest, and quiet, and unvarying; all the things Tommo detested. Their love was so consistent it was boring, and Tommo didn’t want to be boring. He couldn’t be boring.

Tommo had never been very good at putting his thoughts into words, and at voicing his feelings.

Could he be in love with Ashley? God only knew, but he did love him, and he thought he maybe always would. And if nothing ever came of this night, then Tommo could be alright with that. They’d have each other to rely on, regardless.

Love was still a foreign concept to him—the kind they showed in the movies was, anyways— but for the first time in his life, Tommo could recognize why people fell in love.

Maybe, in this moment, with Ashley’s slow breathing against his neck, and the endless stars just outside the shitty tent they were sharing, Tommo thought he might understand what love was supposed to be all about.