Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

St Paul, Minnesota

The first time Bobby sees the kid, he is two beers in and barely started to feel the buzz. He is one of the only few patrons in the bar, which is not surprising since it is late afternoon. The bar, Winter Hill, is among the many similar joints in the area and the competition makes it so that it is never really full, which is one of the main reasons Bobby likes it here. He ignores the guilt and shame that tighten in his chest at the thought that he has become such a regular alcoholic that he knows all the drinking joints in St. Paul –and is a regular in at least three of them. Soft 90s music emanates from the speakers, and the single bartender at the counter is swaying leisurely as he works on cleaning the counter.

Bobby takes a lazy sip of the beer, not really in a rush to finish it for once in a long time. He did promise himself that he would relinquish alcohol, after all. He is a little proud of himself for sticking with beer since he showed up here a few hours ago. Normally, he would have already ordered a bottle of gin and would be working it off like water. He takes a smaller sip, feeling clear-minded for the first time in a long time. He has built up quite a tolerance for alcohol and drugs over the years, and it will take a lot to affect him –which usually leaves him chasing the high until all he can feel is sweet numbness. He usually drinks until his mind can stop for just a second, until he can stop being reminded that he killed his family. Not only that, but he took 148 other innocent people along, which places him along the earth’s lowest scam.

“I knew you’d come and save us,” the last words Marcy said to him as she finally breathed her last hit him suddenly, and Bobby is this close to ordering something stronger. 

He really is a monster.

Once, in his earlier days as a firefighter, Bobbie and his crew had responded to the house of a man who accidentally killed his wife when he came home drunk. The wife accosted him, and the man attempted to push her away. Unfortunately, the wife had had fallen and hit her head on the handle of the open metallic door and by the time the crew arrived, she was breathing her last and the husband was besides himself, sobered up and full of lament. Bobby remembers that man now; how he had judged him, especially once they found out that the wife had been pregnant. Turns out that man is miles better that Bobby. He remembers Marcy and the kids and orders another beer even though he knows what he is doing is highly impertinent, considering it was his drinking that caused this whole mess. He wants to die. He wants to disappear. But he must stay and pay for his sins. They might have found him not guilty of mass murder, but Bobby will never forgive himself. The least he can do is clean up his act and start paying his penance. But still all he can do is drink.

Bobby hasn’t spoken to anyone in a long time –he avoids conversation with strangers, has practically pushed his team away, and is just going through the motions, counting the days until he can join his family. Or not, since he is sure that if an afterlife exists, his family is in heaven and Bobby is destined for hell. He is sure the devil is currently preparing his punishment right this second.

Anyway.

The kid (actually not a kid –he must be in his early twenties).

The only reason Bobby notices the skinny lad, sitting alone across the table from him, nursing a glass of what looks to be whiskey –is the faraway, empty look on his face. The kid looks haunted, his blank expression reminding Bobby too uncomfortably of himself.  However, this kid is too young to look like he bears the weight of the entire world on his shoulders.

He looks like he has given up.

Sitting there, looking at this kid who looks like he is carrying so much, Phil’s words come back to him: “Your punishment is that you lived.” And how right he was. Waking up every day, it only takes a second to remember that his family is no longer with him, and then he really loathes his entire existence. He doesn’t want to be here. But he has to make his life worth a damn. He has to make it right for Marcy, for Brooke, and for Robby Junior. And Bobby vows to himself that his penance starts right now, with this miserable kid.

It feels like there is an invincible force pulling him to the kid, or maybe is because, as he stares at the dirty blonde curls resting on the kid’s head, Bobby imagines what his Robbie could have been in another universe where he lived. Bobby leaves his beer on the table unattended and walks over to the kid. He no longer wants to drink (wow, when’s the last time he never wanted a drink?). Since there are only countable people in the club at this hour, the kid notices his approach and is already looking at him warily.

“This seat taken?” Bobby asks as he pulls a chair across the young man. He scrunches his face in disgust.

“Look, dude. I’m not interested, okay? Please leave me alone.” The kid tells him with an air of someone used to being hit on by all kinds of people in places like this, and it makes his chest hurt even more. Bobby raises his hands in a placating motion, hoping the gesture communicates that he means no funny business.

“I have kids, and a wife,” the lie tastes bitter on his tongue, but Bobby needs the kid to know that he is not a manther looking to score a younger guy. “You just looked like you could use a company, and to be honest, so could I. No funny business, I promise.”

The kid turns his full attention to him, and Bobby notices that he has a conspicuous pink birthmark on the side of his face. His blue eyes are tinted with red as if he has been crying. He lets the kid size him up, and Bobby uses the time to do the same. That’s when he notices that the kid is not really drinking, the glass of maybe-whiskey still full.

A few moments later, once the kid has had his fill and probably decided to believe him, he offers his right hand to Bobby.

“I’m Evan Buckley, but call me Buck.” His voice is small and a little unsure.

 “I’m Robert Nash, but call me Bobby,” that earns him a small smile from Buck. “Nice to meet you.”

Evan nods and turns back to his drink, staring at the condensation gathering at the side of the glass and back to looking a million miles away in thought.

“So, what brings you here at this time?” Bobby points to Buck’s still full drink. “I notice that you are not really drinking.”

“Um…I actually hate strong drinks,” Buck starts, his voice still low. “But honestly, I was planning to drown myself in alcohol and turn off my thoughts, you know?” Oh, Bobby knows. Probably better than anyone, and that’s why Buck’s words feels him with such deep melancholy. Bobby wonders if this is how Phil feels whenever he picks Bobby up from a bar, passed out after being on a bender.

“Oh yes, I do. So what changed your mind?” Bobby prompts encouragingly.

“The fact that I’ll wake up tomorrow, feeling worse? That it won’t really solve anything?” Wow, Bobby wishes he had half the kid’s restraint a year ago when he was falling deeper and deeper into the dark side alcoholism.

“You’re right. Trust me, I know better than anyone. So what made you want to hit the bottle?” Bobby hopes that the kid will share. He has this strong urge to help Buck, although he ignores the small voice in his head that says that helping Buck is a way to escape his own miserable existence.

Buck opens his mouth to speak, then closes it, irresolute. And Bobby gets it: they are practically strangers. But something tells him that Buck is at the end of his rope, that he needs someone in his corner. Bobby knows he is the last person to help, given that he destroyed his family and a hundred and forty eight others, but he still has a house and a source of income. Maybe he can still help Buck with something.

“It’s a long story, I’m sure you don’t want to sit here and listen to my woes.” Buck finally says, going back to staring at his drink. He tries to depict an air of indifference, as if he will be unbothered either way if Bobby doesn’t ask more questions. However, there is something about him, something desperate, that tells Bobby that Buck is drowning and he is looking for someone to lend a hand out of the storming seas.

And look, Bobby is no saint, and this is like the pot calling the kettle black, but Bobby knows that if he leaves Buck here, he will end up going on the bender he is so conflicted about. He doesn’t want him to drink.

“I do want to listen, actually. But may I suggest somewhere else? There is a newly opened café across the corner that makes the best croissants. Can I buy you a coffee? And that way, neither of us will be tempted to drown our sorrows in the bottom of the bottle.”

Bobby smiles when Buck nods, his eyes turning wide in surprise and maybe… hope? Seeing Buck’s demeanor change and his eyes turning more trusting, Bobby vows to himself that he will help him. It actually feels him with a rush, and at this point he will welcome any emotion that isn’t melancholy. As he pays for his three beers and Buck’s untouched drink, something warm constricts in his chest as Bobby realizes that drinking more alcohol does not even cross his mind. Buck waits for him at the entrance as Bobby finishes clearing their bills. They walk outside together, and the air between them is surprisingly not awkward.

“That’s my jeep,” Buck points to an old Jeep Wrangler that is looks well maintained.

“My car is near, too. But I thought we could walk? The café is not that far.” Buck nods and they walk to the café, the kind that has call bell curtains. Dorothy, the owner, is immediately at their side the moment they enter, smiling widely at them and showing them to an empty table at the back. Bobby likes that the café doesn’t have many people, and the booth he and Buck take is kinda private and will allow them to talk without being disturbed. They peruse the menu in silence and Buck asks him to order for him, trusting. Fifteen minutes later, Dorothy is bringing their coffee and croissants and leaving them be. They eat in comfortable silence, and Bobby is glad again to note that his mind is not thinking about alcohol or his loss, totally consumed with the kid across him.

“Look, Buck. I am going to level with you. I lied.” He starts and Buck flinches so bad that Bobby rushes to explain, “I mean about my family, not my intentions to talk to you. I told you that I have a wife and kids, but the truth is that I lost them a few months back. Also a long story, and I want to ensure you that you’re not the only one wishing to drown your sorrows in alcohol. But I figured that a problem shared is a problem halved and all that.” Bobby actually surprises himself at the ease in which he shares with Buck –he is sure he has never willingly offered information about this family to anyone since the accident, not that there have been many opportunities to share. He also really wants Buck to trust him for some unfathomable reason.

“Geteiltes Leid ist halbes Leid.” Buck says absentmindedly and Bobby looks at him in confusion.

“What?”

“A problem shared is a problem halved. Geteiltes Leid ist halbes Leid. That’s its translation in German.” He continues, sheepish, “I slept with this German tourist in Peru who said it to me and I went on a research binge of translations of popular proverbs and even vowed to learn German but I only took two lessons then forgot to finish. But then….” Buck trails off, probably noticing Bobby’s amused look. “Sorry, I talk a lot when I’m nervous.” He finishes awkwardly.

“No, I don’t mind. It’s actually refreshing. You were in Peru?” So not a local.

Buck smiles a little. “Oh, yeah. For a few months actually.”

“Oh? You’ve traveled a lot?” Bobby likes that Buck is slowly opening up, the initial shyness dissipating.

“Not as much as I would like, but I’ve been to a few places in America so far. Worked different jobs too….”

Bobby listens intently as Buck talks about working as ranch hand in Montana, construction in Virginia Beach, and Bartender in Peru. Bobby is actually impressed, knowing Buck is so young and has already lived, even though he looks to be at the end of his rope from his travels.

“How old are you anyway?”

“Almost 22,” Buck says, and that is young. He wonders about his family, does he have parents? Siblings? What circumstances brought him to St. Paul? Dorothy refills their coffees and the conversation between them flows.

“So what is the long story?” Bobby asks after Buck has finished recounting the time he was chased by an angry horse in Montana.  The kid is really endearing. He seems to be so full of life and energy, and Bobby thinks that given the right direction and probably resources, Buck can potentially go very far.

Despite the cloud of sadness that clings to Buck like dirt, there is a strength and optimism to him that has yet to be broken down by the cruelty of this world. Bobby remembers how Buck’s inner strength allowed him to not succumb or waste away in alcohol. Bobby swallows down the shame that threatens to engulf him, knowing that Buck is a hundred times better than him. Looking at Buck as his eyes turn sad at the question, Bobby promises himself that he won’t drink anymore. Phil might have given him a hard talking to when he brought him from the bar two days ago, making Bobby promise to stop drinking, but it is actually Buck that strengthens his resolve.

Because whatever Buck is going through, Bobby wants to be there for him. Buck has such strong spirit and will to live, and Bobby is already imagining him in turncoats as a firefighter one day.

“My girlfriend, well…not really my girlfriend. We hooked up a few times and now she’s…uh…pregnant. Five months along. She said she doesn’t want the baby. She has never wanted kids. She found out too late to abort, she said. We were together in Peru, and I was actually planning to go to LA with some buddies of mine when she dropped the bombshell. I…” Buck trails off, lost in thought.

That is actually a tough situation to be, and Bobby’s heart goes out to him. He refuses to think about Marcy giving him the news that she was pregnant, how exhilarated he had been…

“How did you go from Peru after that, to here?” Bobby wonders if the kid is running, although that doesn’t seem like Buck.  From the little he has gathered about him, Buck has a heart of gold. He mentioned his brief stint with the SEALS, where he had to quit despite performing exemplarily because it required him to turn off his emotions. A bad person wouldn’t worry about such things.

“She is from here, St. Paul. She was backpacking across South America, and Peru was one of her stops. Once she found out she was pregnant, she came back home and I offered to come with her.” Buck goes quite again.

“That’s not all, is it?” Bobby prods.

“Her parents want nothing to do with the baby, and she has no other close relatives. They said they’ll support her in the remaining four months, but then she has to give it away.  And I know it’s crazy, that I have nothing. But. I already love her so much. I offered to take her once she’s born.” Buck’s eyes go frantic, almost as if he is imploring Bobby to understand. Bobby places his hands on told of Buck in comfort, urging him to continue.

Buck sighs. “Angela –that’s her name –she agreed to give me full custody, as long as I can prove that I have residence and a job.” Buck laughs despondently.

“And you have neither,” Bobby guesses.

Buck nods. “So I lied. I told her that I have an apartment and have already lined up for a job. We shall meet in one week so she can see my imaginary apartment,” He puts air quotes on “apartment.” “If she finds that I don’t have a place to live, she will start talking with couples who want a surrogate.”

That’s indeed a tough situation. “Where are you currently living?”

“My jeep.” Seeing Bobby’s probably horrified look, he rushes to add, “I’m used to it,” which only increases Bobby’s worry for Buck.  And isn’t that sad? Bobby imagines Buck sleeping in the car for days on end, cold seeping in through his skin, his back screaming from discomfort. He imagines that the kid must have starved some days. He doesn’t want to ask about Buck’s parents yet. Bobby figures they are either deceased or estranged from their son.

A plan is already forming in his brain. Bobby vowed that he would help the kid, and now he knows that he can. For the first time in eight months, Bobby has a sense of purpose. He is not thinking about hitting the bottle, and he has a reason to want to wake up tomorrow. His chest is still heavy with loss –he guesses the pain of losing his family will never leave him –but he looks at Buck and feels something else aside from the pain. But first,

“Are you sure you want this baby? Wait, you implied that it’s a girl?”

“Yes and yes. Bobby…I have never been so sure of anything. I grew up feeling abandoned by my parents, I… I won’t abandon her. I just need some time to find a job. I have some savings but not much…I just don’t know how to make it happen in a week.”

Bobby doesn’t even hesitate. “Let me help you.”

“What? How?”

“Move in with me.” And like Buck, in his conviction of fatherhood, Bobby has also never been so sure of anything since everything happened.

“Bobby I…You don’t know me. I don’t know you. I…” Bobby understands that this is a big, sudden decision. But.

“Remember how I told you about losing my family? I’ve been drowning for the last eight months since. Drinking daily, wishing to just…not exist. I will tell you all about it, but. I think we can help each other. I want to stay sober so I can get my job back. I am a firefighter, by the way. And today, talking with you, seeing your restraint in that bar…this is the first time I have not actively been thinking about getting the next alcohol fix in a long time. I’m not saying you’ll be my babysitter, no, but I think we can be good for each other. I have a two-bedroom apartment, and you can stay in the other room for the time being. And next week, when Angela comes to visit, you can have something to show her.  What do you say?”

Buck’s eyes have been turning red the more Bobby spoke and finally, the tears fall. He wipes them and nods.

“Okay, thank you. I’ll move in with you. But I’ll share in the rent, and I promise to get a job asap.” Bobby doesn’t want to argue with Buck, understanding better than anyone the need to feel in control. And for the first time in months, Bobby feels alive.

Chapter Text

Buck has done a lot of stupid shit for his parents’ attention, but crying and begging Philip to help him must take the cake. Especially because this is the first time he is calling him since leaving home when he was 19. But what other option does he have?

Not for the first time, Buck wishes he had normal, loving parents. The kind of parents who drop everything to be there for their kids when they are in trouble. Like now, for instance. If he had parents who loved him, he would call them and they would pick up after the first or second ring, he would ask for their well being, they would notice the weird tilt in his voice and know something is wrong, and then they would demand he fly home or ask that he tells them where he is so they can come and make sure he is okay. And then Buck, despite being a 22-year-old man, would break down immediately he sees them, and would take comfort in his dad’s warm embrace and mom’s loving pat on the cheek.

And then they would beg him to please tell them what’s wrong so that they can fix it, and “we really don’t care what you’ve done baby, because we love you.” Or something like that. And then the whole story would come spilling out of him: how he met this wild girl, Angela, in Peru, and how he wanted her to stay but instead told him she was pregnant and I thought you knew we were just having fun and that she would give the baby up because never in a million years did she imagine herself as a parent. His parents would listen attentively, and Buck would ask what do I do, mum? And his mum or dad would comfort him and be happy that they will be grandparents…

Okay, Buck, enough day-dreaming.

Reality is so much somber and miserable. Reality is bleak, with Buck in a new strange city, homeless and jobless. Oh, and he’s going to be a dad soon. He had followed Angela here on a whim because he knew if he didn’t, if she took that flight from Peru alone, he would never see her –and his unborn baby –again. And there is no way in hell he is not getting involved in his child’s life.

“Buck, you don’t know anyone in Minnesota.” She had argued when he said he was coming with her.

“I do, actually,” the lie had just spilled out. “That’s in fact where I am from. I talked to my parents, and they agreed to support me. I will have a job and an apartment within no time with their help. I can raise her.” Somehow, by some miracle, Angela had believed him.

“Okay. Let’s go back home.” She didn’t ask more questions, something like, “wow, what a coincidence that we are both from the same place,” or “where in Minnesota are you from?” which was lucky for Buck because if she had asked, he would have been screwed. Instead, she just nodded, almost looking bored. But why would she bother, when he wasn’t even sure she remembered his name most of the time?

After all, Angela only called him when she wanted sex, not that Buck ever complained. Buck guessed that her easy acceptance of the fact that he supposedly had supportive parents in Minnesota who would help him rent an apartment was attributed to her being a trust fund baby. Angela was on a love, eat and live backpacking trip, after all, and everything was funded by her rich folks.

So, Buck is screwed with a capital S.

He is in a new city, he doesn’t know anyone, his plan to follow Conner to L.A has backfired, he has no job, and he needs an apartment in a week. He thinks of telling Angela to give him more time but Buck cannot risk her changing her mind. He technically has legal rights, but he doubts any court would side with a homeless and jobless single guy.

So what other choice does he have but to call his father? Compared to his mother, Philip is the better devil. Margaret is the viper in the relationship, and her words usually cut straight to the bone. Buck hopes that Philip is not attached at the hip to his wife at this moment. He hopes his father will help him. Surely, after more than three years with no contact, Philip and Margaret Buckley must miss him. Maybe knowing that they will be grandparents will change their attitude toward him –they might even start loving him again –if they ever did, that is.

He had tried calling Maddie first, of course, but she didn’t pick up. Sometimes, Buck gets sporadic texts from his sister, mostly apologizing and telling him she has been busy with work and talk soon. Soon never comes. He knows everything has to do with the douche of her husband, Doug.

Buck has been in St. Paul for a week now and it never seems to astonish him just how different each city is. He is still living in his car because he left Peru on a whim –he didn’t even recover his last paycheck. When Angela told him she was coming back home and Buck insisted he come with her, plus his lie about here being home, he had used the little money he saved to buy a plane ticket to Montana, where he had left his Jeep when the opportunity for Peru had arisen. Then he had driven almost a whole day from Montana to Minnesota.

And now, here he is.

*

Saint Paul is the coldest city he has been on so far, and Buck refuses to think about what he will do come winter if he will be ill-fated enough to still be sleeping in his Jeep. He definitely refuses to think about Angela and…nope. His daughter is currently in the safest place she can be, and he will be ready for her by the time she arrives.

Still, he can’t help but worry. He wonders if he should start having sex for money –he knows that job pays, especially for young guys like him who get solicited by older queer guys who are mostly in the closet. Buck never had sexual preferences, and has had a lot of wild sex with both men and women. Still, the thought of sex for money, especially when he is gonna be a dad, leaves him feeling gross. He wants to set a good example for his girl, and that means finding a legit job. Even if he got a job right this moment though, it would be months before he saves enough to get an apartment because he is now realizing that the US house market is almost the same in every city.

Buck is parked in a secluded spot on a hiking trail and any other day, he would enjoy the weather and go hiking. However, his mood is somber and he grips his phone tight, his thumb hovering over the call button. He finds Philip’s name but can’t bring himself to take the plunge and dial him. His hands are now sweaty, and he distracts himself by looking at the serene nature outside, wishing he could enjoy it. He finally takes a deep breath and calls.

The phone rings and rings and rings and finally comes the dial tone.

Okay. That’s okay. He hasn’t spoken to his dad in years, it stands to reason that he will not pick up right away. He tries again and listens to the call ring and ring and ring and Philip doesn’t pick up. Buck knows that the time difference between Saint Paul and Hershey is only one hour –he had researched before calling, lest he calls at the wrong time. So he knows that it is not too late to call. He tries and tries again. The more he gets the dial tone, the easier it becomes to try calling, because he his half convinced every time that Philip truly won’t pick up.

So it comes as a shock when Buck calls the sixth time and Philip’s irritated voice comes from the other side.

“Hello, Evan? Why do you keep calling, is Maddie okay?” Of course, the only reason he picked up is Maddie. Buck ignores the tinge of hurt that rushes through him and answers.

“As far as I am concerned, yes she is okay.”

“What do you want?” I’m fine, dad, and thank you for asking. Buck thinks sarcastically, but doesn’t care to say it loud.

“I…I’m going to be a dad,” better rip off the band aid before Philip hangs up for good. “I know I can do this. But…I need help, please.” He hates how his voice cracks at the end.

“You did what?” His mother screeches and Buck has to remove the phone away from his ear. Great. They are together, because of course they are. Philip probably put him on loud speaker and called Margaret over to listen to Buck’s latest dramatics. Buck used to think that his parents were incapable of love, but as he grew up, he realized that was not an accurate assumption. Because they truly love each other –devoted to each other. Just not to their children.

“Uh…h…h-hi mum,” Buck breathes out, is heart drumming so loudly in his chest he can hear it. It seems that Margaret still has the ability to render him speechless or leave him stuttering.

“Do not “hi” me! How reckless can you get? We did everything for you despite being the most troublesome child! And now you’re saying you got someone pregnant? No, no! I want nothing to do with this.” The words feel like needles piercing through his heart and leaving him bleeding slowly. The tears come faster.

“Mum, please!” Buck cannot believe he is begging. “Dad, please help me.” He doesn’t even know why he is trying, he knows in his heart of hearts that this is a futile effort.

“Evan.” His dad sounds so done with him. “The best thing you can do for that child is leave them with the mother. You’re not capable of being someone’s parent.” Ouch. He lacks the energy to tell them that Angela wants nothing to do with the child, and he’s all his daughter has.

And then they hang up with a click, leaving Buck feeling like he is drowning. At the rate his tears and snot are coming, maybe he really is drowning in a pitiful concoction of tears, snot, and pieces of his heart.

Buck doesn’t know for how long he stares at his phone unseeingly, an ugly feeling spreading in his chest. His parents claimed they did everything for him. Buck struggles to remember a single thing they ever did for him that was not fueled by his desperate need for attention by hurting himself. Maybe he should have told them he was admitted in the hospital, would they have cared, then?

Buck tries Maddie again, hoping by some miracle, today is the day she answers. He is not surprised when she doesn’t pick up. Buck has never felt so alone in his entire life.

Having nothing else to do, Buck drives. He probably shouldn’t be driving in this state, but honestly, he does not care. He drives and drives, and stops once to grab something to eat. The burger tastes like ash, but at least it calms his stomach.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid.” Buck bangs his hands on the wheel of his Jeep minutes or hours later. He never should have called Philip. What did he think would happen, anyway? That he would start loving him all of a sudden? That he and Margaret would drop everything to help him, when they never have before? More tears stream down his face and Buck wonders if he will ever stop crying.

He forces himself to breathe deeply and accidentally catches his reflection on the rear-view mirror. Buck doesn’t recognize the person staring back. His entire face is face is red and blotched, the birthmark adorning his face is pinker than usual, and his eyes…his eyes look haunted. He has no one else to call. Nothing else to do. He brings his hands to rub his face when he catches the sight of a bar, Winter Hill, a few miles away.

Buck is reminded of a time he drank in college until he blacked out. He remembers the buzzing feeling that alcohol brings, the clarity and the freedom to think and do anything. What will it hurt, anyway? Before he can think too much about what a monumentally bad decision this will be, he is out of the car and walking the few steps to the bar. He motions the bartender over and orders a whiskey sour.

But then the bartender brings his drink and smiles at him and Buck just…can’t. He can’t bring himself to drink. He thinks of Angela and his unborn child and knows that he can’t do this. Granted, he has nothing else to do at the moment, but drinking shouldn’t be an option. He looks around the bar; it is deserted at this time, which makes sense. Maybe he should to talk to the bartender later and ask if they could hire him. He has worked as a bartender before, after all. He can do it. And maybe tomorrow, he will wake up at the crack of down and hit the city of St. Paul, looking for jobs. It surely is a better option than drowning himself in alcohol.

Still. His parents’ words come back to him and Buck swallows heavily, willing himself not to cry again. For the millionth time, Buck regrets calling Philip.

*

Bobby is the saddest person Buck has ever met and he has lived with Margaret and Philip. However, while his parents’ sadness made them miserable and cruel, leaving them empty shells of themselves, Bobby’s sadness is almost tangible. Buck swears he can see the melancholy oozing off him like smoke. Looking closely at Bobby makes Buck want to wrap him in weighted blankets and never let go. His dejection makes Buck sadder, and he wants to hunt down the thing that stole the light from his eyes and hurt it.

On the other hand, his parents’ sadness is –sorry to say –off-putting. It has made them selfish and miserable, leaving them floating in their own little impenetrable world with no one else allowed through. Not even their two children. Buck wonders whether their parents’ misery is the reason Maddie ran away with the first boy she loved, ignoring all red flags about him. At least Philip and Margaret made little effort with Maddie –going to school plays and remembering to pick her up from school on time and caring about her grades. They have always been sad, but instead of sympathizing with them, you wanted to run away as far as possible.

Buck didn’t even know he had such strong opinions on sadness until he watches Bobby and actually hurts for him. Bobby looks like a good and kind man. A sad one, but not his parents’ kind of sad. Buck wonders what his own sadness looks like to Bobby. He knows his eyes are still red, and he is trying so hard not to break down again when he remembers the phone call with his parents. He really has lost them forever, hasn’t he? He hopes he doesn’t emulate their kind of melancholy: the kind that makes them indifferent and cruel.

 Buck really hopes his gut is right about Bobby because he is out of options. He is still having a difficult time believing that Bobby genuinely wants to help him, no strings attached. If Bobby turns out to be legit in the long run, Buck vows to himself that he will help him manage his alcoholism in turn. It’s the list he can do, right?

As he leaves the café with Bobby, it strikes Buck that the dude could be a serial killer. He could have a dark basement full of dead bodies, and Buck is willingly following this guy to his apartment. But he honestly doesn’t know what other choice he has. He trained with the SEALs for a few months before calling it quits, it’s not like Buck is helpless. He can defend himself if Bobby turns out to be a villainous asshole. However, his gut tells him he can trust Bobby. There is just something kind and honest about him, about the way he talks. About the way Bobby listened to him yap about the places he has visited, genuinely seeming interested in his travels.

Buck also has a feeling that Bobby is as lonely as he his. Especially if the dude just lost his family –Buck already cannot imagine something happening to his unborn girl even if he hasn’t met her yet –he cannot envisage how Bobby must be feeling. They reach Bobby’s car, and Bobby asks him to follow behind in his Jeep.

Bobby’s two-bedroom apartment is…sad. That’s honestly the only thing Buck can think to describe it. It is a good place, but its walls are bare. It looks as if Bobby just bought the place and never looked at it twice, as long as he had a place to lay his head at night. The serial killer theory is becoming more and more plausible.

“You are not a serial killer, are you?” Because of course his mouth had to open before his brain can filter the information. However, Buck’s lack of filter and tact makes Bobby let out a surprised laugh.

“Haha, no. I know, it doesn’t look like it has been lived in. Truth is, I’ve only been here for a few months, and most of that time I have been high.” Bobby sounds ashamed, and Buck nods in understanding. That makes sense.

“Let me show you to your room. Though to be honest, I only entered it once. I haven’t cared for much lately, and I didn’t have much use for it.” Bobby admits, and Buck follows him down the hall to a room that is bigger than he expected. The walls are painted a light blue, and it has an average size bed pushed to one side, a dresser, a lamp, and that’s it. There is a thin layer of dust covering the bed and as Buck takes everything in, he is already imagining how he can make this place home. The room is actually nice, and Buck eyes the bed longingly, barely remembering the last time he slept on a real bed.

“Bobby, this is great, thank you.”

“Come on, I’ll help you get your things out of the car. And then we can clean everything up and maybe order pizza? I don’t have any groceries at the moment.” He sounds embarrassed by that fact.

“You cook?” Buck asks conversationally as they go to bring his stuff outside.

“Not since I…” Bobby trails off, and Buck is sure he is referring to the accident that claimed his family.

“Well, I have always wanted to learn, but never had someone to teach me. I even burn pasta.” Buck admits, remembering the time he tried to surprise his mother for Mother’s Day when he was ten. He wanted to make dinner for her but then he almost burned the kitchen and his mother had yelled at him and told him never to do anything like that again. He had hidden in his room, crying, until Maddie found and held him.

Somehow, the admission makes Bobby smile a little.

“Well, if you’re going to be living with me, I’ll teach you how to cook.”

“Wow, really? I’d like that.” Buck says, genuinely. He wants to be the kind of dad that can cook for his kid. Seriously, if Bobby is who he truly says he is, then he is a godsend. Buck doesn’t know how he will ever repay him.

“Deal. We will go grocery shopping tomorrow and get few things for your room.”

Buck likes the sound of that. His  room.

He prays to a God he doesn’t believe in that Bobby is not a serial killer.

“Hey, Bobby,” Buck asks later after they have removed his things from the Jeep and put clean sheets and blankets on his bed. They are eating the pizza and watching some game on TV that Bobby is engaged in but Buck doesn’t care to follow.

“Yeah?”

“Will you tell me about them? How you lost your family?” He knows it is invasive, but Buck hopes he can help Bobby even a fraction of how much he is helping him by sharing his loss.

Bobby is silent for a few moments, his face taking on that faraway look Buck has noticed that it gets sometimes.

“Did you hear about the fire that killed 148 people a few months ago?” Bobby starts. Buck nods. People are still talking about it, one of the biggest tragedies in the region in a long time.

“So I…” And then Bobby shares the saddest thing Buck has ever heard in his life.

Minutes or hours later, Buck is crying and Bobby is crying and Buck just cannot fathom the pain that Bobby is feeling. Holy shit. And he thought his problems were big. How is Bobby even alive right now? How the fuck does he keep going after all that? He has a better understanding of why Bobby turned to alcohol. Why he has been passively suicidal. And the fact that he still had the willpower to help Buck, after all he has lost?

“Hey, Bobby?” Buck croaks, voice rough. If this is how he feels and he doesn’t even know Bobby’s kids and wife, he cannot imagine how Bobby must feel on a daily basis. How does the dude get out of bed?

“Yeah?” Bobby doesn’t sound much better.

“Can I hug you?”

“Please.”

Chapter Text

 “Are you completely sure about this?” There is a nervous tilt to Buck’s voice that betrays just how out of sorts he is about the impending visit from his not-girlfriend and unborn child’s mother.

“Buck, for the last time, I am sure. Let me do this for you. You can tell her that I’m your dad. It’s just for today.”

“I know, but. You know I’d never try to replace Robbie Junior and Brooke, right? I promise I’ll never call you dad again.” Bobby never thought he would reach a point where he doesn’t fall apart at hearing the names of his kids. There is just something so honest and earnest about Buck that makes him want him to open up.

The first time he told Buck about his family, Bobby was surprised to find that he liked that someone else knew them. Bobby realized, shamefully, that these past eight months, drowning himself in alcohol and avoiding the thought of his lost family; he has been unwittingly erasing them. It was not until Buck was asking him to share Brooke and Robbie’s favorite foods that Bobby realized how good it felt to remember his family’s good moments. He had been so caught up in grief that he forgot the happy times. For the first time in eight months, Bobby had remembered his family with fondness. Buck’s “can I hug you?” had been the most mercy anyone had shown Bobby since the accident. It had made him feel for the first time that he was grieving his family, and not just wallowing in guilt. Buck had made him feel human.

Granted, it is not every day that he can talk about them and some days, guilt and regret is all he feels. But since he met Buck, Bobby has not had a single drop of alcohol. He has had the urges, don’t get him wrong, but somehow, the thought of disappointing Buck stopped him. He is aware the sometimes, the kid looks at him as if he has all the answers. As if Bobby is his role model or some misguided notion like that.

“It’s going to be okay, Buck. I’m sure of it.” Bobby assures him. A few days ago, Buck confessed to Bobby that he had told Angela his family lives in Saint Paul.  That his parents are supposedly supportive, and he will be able to take full custody of the baby. Bobby cannot blame the kid for lying. He is just glad he met Buck when he did because he already cares for him, more than he is willing to admit to himself.

And now here they are: Bobby told Buck he can show Angela their –because it’s no longer only his –apartment and was even willing to step up as Buck’s dad. He refuses to think too much about the implication of that, ignoring the warmth that rushes to his chest at the thought of Buck calling him dad, even if it’s only for show. Chief Phil even commended him on his progress this week, and Bobby truly believes he has Buck to thank. Taking care of Buck has kept him busy, given him something else to think about other than his mistakes. Granted, he hasn’t told Phil or anyone else about taking in Buck, partly out of fear that they will deem him unfit to care for someone else.

Buck is stressing over the flower centerpieces on the table for the third time when the knock sounds on the door. Showtime. Bobby will not admit that Buck is not the only one that is nervous. He really wants this evening to go well. Somehow, he has become invested in what happens to Buck and his impending fatherhood. Bobby doesn’t think Buck realizes the magic he possesses, his ability to just break open his walls and see that Bobby had been bleeding.

He already cares for the kid after such a short time and he is not sure what to do about that. Conflicting emotions and thoughts tussle in his head: The need to protect and hold close to the family he lost, and the desire to let one more person in –or persons, if Buck will still be here when his baby is born. Bobby knows that he will care for the little human the same way he is starting to care for Buck. He chases that thought away, focusing on the matter at hand.

“Angie!” Buck greets a little over-enthusiastically when he opens the door and the so-called Angela enters.

“Hey Buck,” she greets with a warm smile, letting herself slowly into the apartment. Bobby takes the moment to take her in. Angela is not what Bobby expected. She is slim and tall, her slender figure making the five-month-old pregnant belly protrude. She has long straight dark hair dyed brown at the edges. She is beautiful, with dimples adorning her face and big hazel eyes.

“This is my, uh, dad,” Buck introduces. Bobby’s chest tightens at the words, but not uncomfortably. He cannot remember the last time someone called him dad. He forces himself to smile and brings out his hand in greeting.

“Nice to meet you.” Angela tells him, and it doesn’t sound like she is just saying the words. He can actually understand why Buck fell into her spell when they met in Peru. She is charming and endlessly jovial. They have not yet gotten to the heart of the issue yet, holding small talk about their different travels. Bobby shares his less-interesting travel stories and admits he regrets not seeing more the world. One day, he hopes he can travel and maybe get in a cruise ship or something.

Bobby learns that Angela wants to become a surgeon –a fact that not even Buck knew, if his surprised expression is any indication –and that she starts learning in France next year. She has been taking this time before she starts her first semester to travel because she will barely have time once she gets engrossed in the demands of the profession.

She admits that she never wanted to have children –a career woman through and through. Bobby didn’t realize he had been judging her for not wanting to be involved in raising the child until she explains her choice of career.

Conversation flows as they easily change from one topic to another, and Bobby can see that Buck is finally seeing Angela in her new light. Perhaps they never held a meaningful conversation when they were in Peru because it was shadowed by their sexual escapades. As Buck talks about weird snakes facts, of all things, Bobby also sees Angela relax. Perhaps she is also seeing a new side to Buck. A dorky, caring guy with a heart of gold. Bobby is truly happy for them. His heart sings watching Angela inhale his lasagna, praising how good it is.

They are having a good time and when Bobby excuses himself to allow them to address the elephant in the room, he is confident that it will go well. Angela is truly a lovely person, just someone who has no desire to have kids. And Bobby respects her decision –he’d rather she walk away now than end up resenting their kid. And the fact that she is concerned about how her child will end up shows that she is a good person. She wants the best for her kid, even if she won’t be in her life.

When Bobby returns to the house a few hours later with more groceries, he finds Buck smiling idiotically. Bobby has not seen the kid smile like that since they met.

“Bobby! She asked if I want to accompany her to the six-month appointment in two weeks! She said that she is confident I will make a good dad! Bobby, I’m just so happy!” Buck practically ambushes him the moment he enters with the bags.

Bobby smiles, genuinely happy for him. “That’s great, Buck. Congratulations.”

“Thank you. I couldn’t have done it without you, you know.”

“Happy to help, kid,” he claps him gently on the back. “Now, help me unload these groceries and we can start teaching you the different ways to make eggs as you tell me all about your conversation.”

Buck grins so brightly Bobby swears the room turns golden for a second.

Buck catches bobby off-guard when he gives him a big, relieved hug the moment they have unloaded the groceries and are about to start cooking. He comes out of the shock and manages to wrap his arms around the kid. “Thank you so much, Bobby.” Buck whispers against his chest.

“It was my pleasure.” He says, instead of the “we are in this together” he wants to say. Because he just realized that he was as involved in that meeting as Buck. That he really cares for Buck, and was relieved when Angela was assuaged that Buck can take care of the baby.

“I’m gonna have a baby!” Buck says suddenly, stepping back from the hug. Bobby is increasingly noticing that Buck is a very tactile person. “Holy shit, it’s happening. It’s happening, right? Like you saw her, and she agreed that I should have custody? I did not imagine that, right?” He turns to Bobby with wide hopeful eyes, his voice turning unsure at every question.

Bobby snorts.

“Yes, Buck. You did good kid. You’re really going to be a father.” Buck smiles happily.

“And I have a job, so I can start saving for my own place. I really don’t know how to thank you, Bobby.” Bobby ignores the rush of something unpleasant in his chest at the thought of Buck finding his own place and leaving. Buck found work a few days ago at the very bar they met at.

“Hey, you know there is no rush, right? You can stay here for as long as you need. Besides, since Angela is near, don’t you think she would be suspicious if you meet and she realizes you have a new place?” He is probably playing dirty, but he really doesn’t want Buck to leave. The house has never felt like a home until Buck, and Bobby is not looking forward to going back to lonely walls.

“Right. But at least let me help pay for rent –”

“Buck –”

“No, Bobby, you are already doing too much for me. Let me contribute.”

“Fine. But no pressure, alright? Remember you need the money for when the baby comes.”

“Deal.”

*

When Angela is seven months and two weeks along, Bobby has his two months sobriety chip. It feels like such a small thing to be proud of, but he is. He is not sure how Buck got wind of the information, but Bobby goes home that evening to find that Buck has cooked him pasta and minced balls –one of the first things he learned to cook properly –in celebration. There is a small store-bought cake that honestly looks a little sad, with the poorly decorated “happy two months,” but the sight is enough to almost make him cry.

“Congratulations Bobby! I know the cake is not much, but it’s your fault for not teaching me, so…”

“Hey, I told you this is not something you can learn in a few weeks. Patience. But thank you for this.”

“Of course! You know, when I was 12, I bought my dad a cupcake for his birthday. He never ate it.” Buck admits. Bobby hurts for the kid. He remembers all the drawings his kids made him, all the poorly wrapped presents that he kept in a box (they were all destroyed in the fire). He doesn’t know what’s wrong with Philip Buckley, but Bobby cannot imagine not appreciating Buck for all that he is. Buck waits for Bobby to sit down and then hands him a plate, watching him somewhat eagerly as he takes the first spoon. The kid really does thrive on compliment.

“Wow. This is good, Buck. I love it.” He’ not lying. Bobby is proud of the kid.

“Really?” Buck’s entire face lights up. The kid is starving for attention, and it makes Bobby furious at his parents for abandoning him. How could they have spent all those years with Buck and never acknowledged him for the amazing soul he is?

“Mmmh, maybe less spice next time, but we can confidently say you can make one meal.”

“Only a hundred more to go. Yey me!”

“Hey, one step at a time. How was the appointment with Angela?”

“Good! The baby is now the size of a coconut! She is healthy, in the right size, and position. The doctor said everything is perfect. Oh, here,” he produces a sonogram from his jacket pocket and hands it over to Bobby. Wow, Bobby almost tears up, remembering Brooke at seven months.

Buck is still working at the bar. Bobby is always amused when sometimes, Buck comes home smelling of alcohol and apologizes profusely after a drunk patron spilled his drink on him. It is surprisingly easy to not fall into temptation with Buck around. Bobby is still going to his AA meetings, and will be three months sober soon.

Angela has come over only once again already –this time not to confirm that Buck has a house and job, but to discuss the logistics. She and Buck are actually on good terms at the moment and she cares about delivering a healthy baby, much to Buck’s –and Bobby’s –relief.  

Overall, it seems that for Buck, life is looking up.

*

While things are looking up for Buck, Bobby is feeling like he is climbing up the walls at work.

Angela is on her last month of pregnancy and Buck has found another job in a mechanic shop, where he is shadowing his current boss as he learns the skill of the job. Nowadays, instead of coming home in the mornings smelling like alcohol and looking apologetic to Bobby for never missing a night where someone doesn’t spill a drink on him, Buck comes home with his clothes smeared in grease. Yesterday, he had a grease stain on his nose that Bobby teased that it made him look like a clown.

Buck has also been going a little shopping spree crazy, and his room is currently full of unopened baby boxes full of stuff of different colors. Honestly, his room looks like a rainbow has vomited all over with the amount of colorful clothes.  He insists his baby girl should be exposed to all colors and make her own choice about the colors she wants. Bobby doesn’t have the heart to tell him that it will be a few years before she starts caring about such things.

Anyway, while Buck’s life is good, Bobby has started to spiral. Not the I-want-to-drink-until-I-can’t-feel-anything kind of spiral, but more like frustration at the stagnant point his career has reached. He is still on desk duty at work, and has read so many files he can write a book on firefighting. He understands why the chief won’t let him back there. He does. It’s just…He also has to deal with teammates who no longer trust him to have their back.

To make matters worse, Oscar from his AA group gave him this little book because apparently, he was coming up on Step 8: “Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.” Bobby almost laughed hysterically when he received the book. Like…how the hell will he ever make amends? He wonders if Oscar truly grasps the depth of his wrongs. Did he know the number of people Bobby has to make amends to when he gave him that book?

The tiny book has been his constant companion since he received it and he has yet to write the first name. 148 people. All dead because of his carelessness. He understands that there are other factors at play here, and he was not directly responsible for the fire.

Still.

So yeah, Bobby is starting to fall into depression. Nowadays, he wakes up, goes to work, spends the whole day doing tedious and mind-numbing desk job, tolerate dirty looks from his team, go back home, sleep, repeat. Since Buck is now working from 9 to 5, the times they meet home in the evening and watch a movie, learn cooking, or talk baby plans have become the only good part of his day.

Buck must have started to notice him spiraling because he is always there when Bobby gets home, suggesting they do something together whenever Bobby insists he just wants to lie down.

He misses field work.

He misses actually helping people.

And he cannot begin to make amends from behind a desk. He doesn’t know how he is going to convince Phil to let him back out there.

It’s 8.00 in the morning, and Bobby does not have to work today. He is still in bed, staring at the ceiling. His body feels heavy, like a sack of potatoes has been tied around him by the chest. His vision starts swimming the more he stares at nothing, and Bobby cannot master the energy to get up. A drawer opening sounds somewhere in the house. Bobby listens for the sounds of Buck getting ready to work. He must have zoned off because the next thing he hears, the front door is opening and then closing, signaling Buck leaving. On the days Bobby is off-shift, Buck usually lets him sleep in, not bothering him as he gets ready for work.

Later, Bobby gets up and picks up the book, staring at the first name written on top.

1. Martha Robinson. 38. 1 kid, 4. Husband deceased. A nail salonist. Died on the scene. Child burnt beyond recognition.

How is Bobby supposed to come to terms with the extent of his actions? How is he supposed to make it to 148 people? For the first time in four months, Bobby craves a drink. He wants to drink and drink and just…not be.

In the afternoon, as if in an out of body motion, Bobby finds himself at a bar, ordering a glass of gin. It is as he waits for his drink that his phone lights up with an incoming call. The call ID reads Buck. Bobby wants to hang up on the kid this once because for the first time since they met, he wants space from Buck. He is about to hit “ignore” when a sudden image of Buck crying and confessing how his parents had abandoned him assaults his brain. For some reason, Buck looks to Bobby as the parental figure he never had. Bobby can’t ignore the kid.

Damnit.

“Buck?” He tries to keep the frustration out of his voice the moment he picks up.

“Bobby! It’s happening! Angela called, she is in labor. Oh my God Bobby, today is the day!”

Holy shit.

“Buck, slow down, where are you?” Bobby gets into parent mode, all other thoughts forgotten.

“I’m still at the shop. Bobby, I’m panicking, oh God –”

“Okay, Buck. I’ll come to you, okay? I’ll drive you to the hospital.”

“Uh…yeah. Okay. Oh God –”

“Breathe, Buck. It’s gonna be okay. Have you told Jameson to excuse you from work?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll be there in ten.”

Bobby cannot believe he was a minute away from destroying everything he has been working for in the last four months. He has just hang up with Buck and is ready to abscond the bar like the devil is on his heels when the bartender brings him his drink with a “here you go, sir.”

Guilt threatens to pull him under. Contritely, he pulls some bills from his wallet and leaves them and the untouched drink on the table before he speeds from the bar. He is in his car within no time, and nine minutes later, he is pulling up at Buck’s shop to find the kid outside, pacing.

Buck lights up the moment he sees him, looking at him like he is his literal savior. And Bobby supposes that maybe to Buck, he is. To Buck, he is not a fucked up alcoholic, but the man who threw him a life raft when he was drowning. And maybe, just maybe, that is enough. He will never be able to atone for all the people he hurt, but he can still do some good.

As Buck gets in the car, trusting Bobby to lead and take him to the hospital safely, Bobby is hit with the realization that maybe he is not a lost cause after all. He lets the sound of Buck’s nervous rambling wash over him, and nothing else matters at the moment apart from helping Buck welcome his daughter to this world.

“I don’t even have a name for her! I was so focused on ensuring that I got to keep her that I forgot to research names!” Buck turns to him in panic and Bobby does a double take. Buck is right, not once did Bobby think of reminding Buck to search for names.

“Hey, you’ll find something. One thing at time, alright?”

When they get to United Hospital and are directed to the maternity wing, Buck is directed to the room Angela is in –apparently, she’s almost fully dilated and will be giving birth any minute. She must have waited until the last minute to call Buck.

Bobby says a little prayer at the fact that the pregnancy has been much uncomplicated so far. He hugs Buck tightly and promises to wait for him. But then he recalls that neither he nor Buck remembered the bag that has been packed and ready to go since Angela reached the nine- month mark and then he is making a dash for the car and speeds to the apartment, picks up the bag, and is back at the hospital within no time. Two men expecting a kid can be really useless, Bobby muses. He finds a kind nurse who promises to deliver the bag to Buck, and Bobby is back to waiting restlessly.

While he is waiting, Bobby takes his phone out to call his sponsor, admitting how he almost fell off the wagon. Oscar listens attentively and understandably, and acknowledges that Buck is good for Bobby. Bobby could never agree more. And now there will be another human being joining them soon and with only Buck for a parent, Bobby needs to be there for her too. He will. He has to. He cannot let Buck down.

Three hours later, a nurse, the same one from earlier, comes and tells him the good news. The baby is here already, and Buck is asking for him. Bobby can feel tears glisten his eyes as he follows her. They enter a bright white room with a single bed, with Buck sitting on the middle, staring down at the little bundle of joy in his arms like she is his entire word. He figures that Angela has been transferred to another room to recover, and Bobby knows he will never see her again.

Buck doesn’t notice him yet: he is holding the baby carefully and slowly rocking her as he looks at her with so much love and affection. Looking at him, Bobby thinks that Buck was built to be a dad. If he had any doubt about his ability to be a good father, those are washed away at the sight in front of him. He takes out his phone and snaps a picture and that is when Buck finally looks up and notices him.

“Bobby!” He whispers, huge smile lighting up his entire face. Bobby approaches watchfully, looking down at the bundle in Buck’s arm. And, oh wow.

Her huge eyes are open, although Bobby knows she can’t really see yet, revealing deep blue pupils. The eyes are all Buck –actually, she looks like a copy of Buck. Bobby guesses that this is how Buck looked like as a baby. Dark blonde, wispy mop of hair delicately cling to her scalp and Bobby reaches out to fix the blanket so that her head is fully covered. Her wide unfocused eyes blink against the bright hospital lights and Bobby becomes lost in the sight, watching as her chest rises and falls.

“Buck.” He breathes after what could be minutes or hours later, still staring at this magical sight, “she is beautiful.”

“I know. I can’t stop staring at her. I already love her so much, Bobby. Is that crazy?”

“No, no it’s not. Congratulations, kid.” And if his voice cracks a little at the end, well, it has been an emotional day.

“Do you wanna hold her?” Buck asks and Bobby is nodding before he finishes the question. Buck carefully transfers her into his waiting arms and everything else fades away until his world narrows only on the bundle in his arms and the warm feeling in his chest at the sight.

Bobby had worried that he won’t be able to hold and care for Buck’s child; that it would be too painful to care for someone else with his kids’ loss still fresh. But looking at mini-Buck, new to the world and innocently blinking at him, all Bobby feels is warmth.

“Hey, Bobby?” Buck whispers. He is next to him, staring down at the baby. Somehow, her left hand has found itself into Buck’s hand, and she is gripping almost tightly at his index finger. The sight is too cute.

“Remember how you told me about Brooke, how she was so full of life and eager to learn, especially about different princesses?” Bobby swallows and nods, not taking his eyes off the princess in his arms.

“I’ve thought of a name. Zoey Brooke Buckley. Zoey means life or living in Greek, and Brooke…well, I wanted to remember her. Is that….is that okay?”

Bobby can feel his eyes getting wet as Buck speaks. A vision of Brooke, running up and down the house chasing her brother comes to mind. He looks at the baby –Zoey –and feels something small in him heal.

“Or I can choose another middle name! Sorry, that was inappropriate.” Bobby must have been silent for too long.

“No! No, I love it.  Zoey Brooke. Are…are you sure?” Bobby is sure he is crying.

Buck sniffs wetly, but he is still smiling. “I’m sure, grandpa.”

“Hey! I’m not even fifty yet!”

Zoey Brooke Buckley.

Bobby swears to himself that he will do anything to keep and protect this small family he has found.

She is a whole new start for him and Buck. Bobby thinks about L.A. and Phil’s offer for a fresh start in a new city and knows that he’s never leaving Buck and Zoey behind. But maybe he will wait for Zoey to experience the world a few weeks before bringing up the idea of leaving to Buck.

They are his family.

Chapter Text

 “Bobby, have you seen that Flip Frog rattle that Zee loves?” Buck calls from his new room that is halfway unpacked. Zoe has just finally cried herself to sleep, and Buck knows she will be worse if she wakes up and doesn’t find her favorite toy.

“No, and it’s Zoe.”

“Zee.” Buck protests automatically. They have been having this light argument since the first time they brought Zoey (Zee!) home in St. Paul from the hospital. Bobby insists that “Zoe” is the better nickname, while Buck calls her “Zee.”

“Zee. So have you seen it?” Buck has come to referring the rattle as the Zoey Magic because of how fast it makes her tiny face smile. Bobby says that she looks like him, but Buck can see hints of Maddie in her.

“Have you checked in the toy box?”

“Uh no, let me…” He finds the box hidden behind the boxes with the kitchen staff, and upon opening it, the rattle is right there on top.

“I told you not to pack it.” Bobby comments helpfully and Buck glares at him.

Buck checks the monitor for the third time, confirming that Zoey is indeed still peacefully sleeping in the crib set in the living room. The first thing they unpacked and assembled upon entering the new house was her cute pink crib adorned with little princesses.

Today is their first night in L.A. Zoey is three months and four days old, and Buck still can’t believe how old she is growing and flourishing, living up to her name.

When Bobby received his six month chip, tensions at work had been increasing into a crescendo and at the rate everything was going, Bobby had confessed that it would come to a head soon. Buck could tell that the man was no longer content. His teammates did not trust Bobby to have their back, especially since he still freaked out when the team was called to a large alarm fire.

Many people in the town knew about the fire that killed his family and either looked at him with pity or scorn for surviving while his family did not. Most people who scorned him thought that as a firefighter, he should have done something to help. Mostly, these were the friends and families of the victims. Thankfully, they did not know that Bobby had been drunk in the night of, since those records were sealed. Buck thought that if they knew, they would probably band together and stone him. When people are hurting, they mostly look for something or someone to blame, and Bobby would have made a good target.

So when Bobby heard the opportunity for a fire captain in an L.A firehouse that could never keep captains for some reason, he had jumped at the chance.

Buck remembers Bobby giving him the news two months ago, and how he had thought that Bobby was leaving him behind.

It had been two months since Zoey graced and brightened his (and Bobby’s) world. They had been seated on the couch drinking coffees (they drank a lot more coffee now, since Zoey woke up at all hours of the night), the light from the TV casting the room in soft yellow-ish glow from the documentary that was showing silently with sub-titles. Zoey had fallen asleep an hour earlier and would thankfully sleep for about four more hours.

“There is a position for a fire captain that just opened up in Los Angeles,” Bobby started, breaking the silence. Buck felt his heart jump suddenly, an ugly feeling settling over him.

“Oh?” He hoped his voice did not betray his hurt.

“Yeah. You know how hard it’s been for me at work, and the current captain still won’t let me out into the field. I feel like this is an opportunity for me to start over in a new city. Help more people.”

And Buck knew that Bobby was right –this was an amazing opportunity for him. It’s just…he didn’t want to be left behind by the only person who ever gave a shit about him in a long time. He and Bobby and Zee had somehow become a family, and in his mind, Bobby was the dad he never really had. And now he was going to lose him…

“I want you to come with me.” Bobby said, bringing Buck from his spiral.

“Really?” He asked, his voice sounding small to his ears.

“Oh, Buck. Of course I want you and Zoe –”

“Zee –”Buck interrupted out of habit.

“–to come.”

Buck could only nod, too overwhelmed to speak.

“You are no longer working at the shop at the moment anyway, and I am sure you’ll find plenty of opportunities in L.A. Not that you need to work since you are rich.” Bobby added that last sentence sounding amused.

And it was true. It seems like Buck was wrong about Angela. Admittedly, when she told him about not wanting to keep the baby, Buck had judged her. However, while Angela didn’t want kids, she really wanted the best for her daughter.

And on the day Zoey was born, Angela had given Buck a closed envelope, telling him, to “consider this my child support.”  Buck had just nodded and said his goodbyes to her, not bothering to open it. His mind had been too occupied with his daughter, who had just become the axis of his entire world.

It was only a week later, when Buck was putting Zoey’s clothes in the wash –and why hadn’t he known that newborns pooped like that –when the envelope fell from his jacket. He had opened it distractedly, only for his eyes to go wide and a huge gasp to fall from his lips when he saw the figure written on the cheque.

“Uh…Bobby?” His voice must have sound panicked because Bobby came rushing right away. Buck shoved the cheque at him, still in shock.

“Holy shit!” Bobby exclaimed. Ah, so Buck was not losing his mind.

“Three hundred and fifty thousand dollars,” Bobby read out loud, his eyes full of wonder. “Wow, kid. Zoe is set for life.”

“This is too much! I have never seen this much money in my life! I…Maybe I should return it, right?”

“Hey, hold on now. Look, kid. You know Angela can afford it. And given that she has given you full custody of Zoe, this is the least she can do, alright? You can set up a college fund for her, pay her schooling in a couple of years, and many other things. Besides, you’ve stopped working, and now you can reduce some of that stress and stay home with her as you find something you’re passionate about. I know you have been worrying about leaving her to work and paying for bills in the future. Now you can.”

Well, that was true. But still. Holy shit. His daughter will never lack for anything, not if he has any say in it. He knows money is not everything –look at his parents –but it sure as hell helps. He really has been worrying about finding a job and leaving Zee, and now he can get a more flexible one. He can stay at home for an entire year.

Anyway, since that night Bobby told him about L.A., Buck had jumped at the chance to move with him. Honestly, he would follow Bobby anywhere as long as they are together. Besides, he was to go to L.A with Conner before everything happened, and now is his chance. And maybe, once the thought of going to work and leaving Zee doesn’t feel him with dread, Buck might try for the fire academy.

Their new house is a three-bedroom in South Pasadena. Using the money from Angela, Buck was able to comfortably contribute to the lease, though the L.A housing market is pure hell. Bobby had initially found a two-bedroom apartment but Buck insisted they get something larger so that Zoey can get her own room when she is old enough. It’s not like he couldn’t afford it now. Secretly, Buck was thinking of Maddie –what if she came to find him one day and needed temporary accommodation?

He confidently trusts that he and Bobby and Zee have built up a solid family and will be together in the long run. Even if one of them gets a partner and moves, Buck knows that Bobby will always be family. For now, he is glad Bobby suggested the fresh start. L.A. already looks promising –well, apart from the traffic from hell. Saint Paul was tainted with too many negative memories for Bobby, and Buck was not a fan of the cold.

He is still not working –he has enough money to stay home for many years to come –but he knows he needs a job soon. He cannot dip too much into the money Angela left him. Bobby suggested he find a financial advisor, and Buck will do that this week. Maybe he can open for Zoey one of those investment accounts that gain interest monthly so that she can access the money when she is older.

Bobby starts at station 118 in one week and in the meantime, Buck is happy to be a stay-at-home dad. Buck thinks he can stay at home with Zoey forever and not go anywhere if it was reasonable to do so. He also plans to start researching into the fire academy so that he can apply in another few months. Somehow, firefighting feels right. It will allow him to help people, and Zee will be able to tell her friends that her dad has a cool job.

*

Bobby’s first day at the 118 dawns on a warm Tuesday. He ignores the beating of his chest as he gets ready that morning. Once he’s dressed and made coffee to go, he gently opens Buck’s room and smiles at the sight of Buck sleeping with his body propped up, one hand protectively covering Zoe, who is sleeping on his chest. The kid has embraced fatherhood well, and is always smiling nowadays whenever he takes care of the little starlight. Bobby runs his fingers gently through his messy curls to wake him up.

“Bobby?’ Buck whispers when he finally opens his eyes. His hand that is wrapped around Zoe doesn’t waver.

“Hey kid, I wanted to let you know I’m off. First shift is a 24, so I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Oh.” Buck actually looks sad at the thought of Bobby been gone for a whole day. It’s actually nice. Buck and Zoe are the only two people in the world who would miss him if he was gone.

“Have a good day. You’ll do great!”

Bobby smiles. “Thanks kid.” He kisses Zoe on her little forehead (she’s too cute okay?) and is off, feeling a little sad leaving them.

Bobby really, really hates L.A traffic.

His first interaction with the team is an amusing one, albeit nerve-wrecking. If they are already betting how long he will survive at the place, what are his chances? Bobby, however, thinks of Marcy and the kids and Buck and Zoey and remembers he promised himself he will be better. For both his lost family and his new one. He cannot mess this up, despite the team’s low confidence in him. And it seems like this team also needs a captain who is going to stick around.

His first few calls are crazy and confusing, and he cannot wait to tell Buck all about them. It is hard, working to gain the trust of a team that is already used to L.A.’s crazy while Bobby doesn’t even understand the routes to use, and he is the captain. But then he gets one call that he can handle, and it is nice to show up to the team when he confidently picks up the angry rooster that had actually managed to hurt its owner. He also meets the lovely sergeant Athena Grant and gains at least some trust from his new team, so not a bad shift overall.

When he gets home in the morning, he smiles when Buck is upon him, asking him how his shift went, how many calls he went on, and “did you make any friends?” as if Bobby is a high school student fresh from his first day of school.

Bobby laughs for the first time in 24 hours. It is a nice sight, coming home to laughter and Buck and the smell of baby scent. He picks Zoe up from her crib and lets the sound of her unintelligent mumbling wash over him. He does tell Buck all about his first shift and Buck listens attentively, asking questions, and wanting to know about his team. The kid is really the best listener.

He tells him all about Hen and her steadiness in the field, and how she is the best paramedic he has ever worked with. About Chimney and his friendship with Hen, and his knowledge of pop culture.  About Sal and Tommy. Buck looks genuinely happy for him. He crashes out soon after and falls asleep on the couch, listening to Zoe’s baby talk.

He wakes a few hours later to the loud sound of Zoey’s crying. After not seeing her for a full day, Bobby offers to take her, allowing Buck to sleep. He straps her to his chest with her baby carrier and goes to stroll around the neighborhood. L.A is still too big and vast, but Bobby thinks that this can be his home.

When he gets back, Buck is still sleeping. He feeds Zoey and gently places her in her crib with her favorite rattle and takes out the small book that he keeps hidden from Buck. He helped save seven people today. He marks it in his little book, feeling heavy. He knows he shouldn’t be doing this, that this is probably detrimental to his progress, but he needs to. 148 people.

Bobby needs to save the exact number of people and then…he doesn’t know what will happen next. If he didn’t have Buck and Zoey, he knows what he would do after reaching his target. Now, he cannot imagine leaving his found family. Maybe he can stay until Buck no longer needs him.

And with that comforting thought, Bobby closes the book and hides it (It’s the one secret he is keeping from Buck). He decides to start on dinner as he keeps an eye on Zoe. Right now, she is blowing bubbles with her lips, and Bobby will get up to wipe saliva from her face every often.

Zoey Brooke really is a godsend. 

*

Five months later, a day before he is supposed to get his one-year-chip, Bobby almost resets the clock when he realizes that for the first time since…well, everything, he was happy.

But how could he happy when his family would never have another happy day? But then he went home and Zoey, who was now eight months old and thriving, had crawled to him fast when he got home, stopped when she reached his shoes, and started helping herself stand with his legs. He had reached down to pick her up and then she had babbled “ampa” loudly, making Bobby tear up.

Buck has been teaching her to call Bobby “grandpa.” He pretends he hates the name –that it makes him feel old –but inwardly, he loves it. He really loves the little angel, and watching her flourish these past months has been the greatest joy. Buck cried the first time she strung out a “da-da” and these are becoming more often as the time passes.

Anyway, Bobby had been considering having a drink and setting back the clock but getting home to find Zoey and Buck excited to see him, as they always are, had set him straight. He cannot do anything to jeopardize this family.

He confesses all this to his kind priest, who listens patiently and reminds him that he really deserves happiness. Bobby is starting to believe it.

And so, with encouragement from his kid, er, Buck, Bobby joins the team for an after-shift meet-up at a club. They have been inviting him for a while now, but he always made excuses to not join them. Buck had been worried that the meet-up was at a bar at first –Bobby could see it in his eyes –but he didn’t say anything, trusting Bobby not to fall off the wagon. Bobby really cherishes the trust that the kid has bestowed upon him. Zoe cried as he left, as she usually does on nights he is not home.

And then Hen asks him about his family and Bobby answers without thinking:

“I have a kid. And my kid has a kid.”

The team looks at him as if they are seeing him in a new light. He doesn’t even know he had started thinking of Buck as his until now. Before they can ask questions, Bobby has a hunch about the recent fire at the restaurant, and he gets the opportunity to solve an arson case with Sergeant Grant. Although he has fun doing it, he cannot stop comparing the father’s situation with his own. He cannot stop thinking about Freddie’s words: “you’re supposed to save people.” Still, he recognizes that it wasn’t his fault this time. Maybe.

After that day with the team at the bar, Bobby starts becoming more involved with them, though he evades any talk of his family. He still thinks of Buck as his, but telling the team about how they met will mean opening up about the fire and Bobby is not ready for that. He starts cooking for them often, and he watches the team thrive as they trust each other more.

At home, Buck and Zoey are thriving. Buck enrolled Zoey to daycare a few months ago though he cried the first time he had to leave her. He found work as a surf instructor (it never ceases to amaze him the kid’s flexibility and mind for trying different jobs), and it actually pays decently, according to the kid. The first time Buck left Zoey, Bobby didn’t have a shift, so he had driven him and comforted him as Buck spiraled about Zoey forgetting him. Zoey had also cried, clinging to her dad as Bobby watched helplessly. She had gotten used to spending every day with Buck. Bobby didn’t cry, of course, because someone had to be the strong one.

Shortly after Buck’s twenty-third birthday, when Zoey is one year old, he starts at the fire academy. From what he tells Bobby, it has been going well so far. Bobby had been more than pleased when he got home from work and Buck surprised him with an acceptance letter from the academy. He hadn’t even known that Buck applied, though he had seen the research materials that Buck often read and knew the kid was thinking about it.

He is honestly proud of how far he and Buck (and Zoe) have come in such a short duration.

To Zoe, Bobby is officially “gampa.” Buck is dada. She has grown up healthily and beautifully and now has a mass of curly dark blonde hair on her head and blue eyes. She looks like Buck more and more every day, though she is all Angela when she smiles.

Bobby has regular talks with Father Brian about his struggles, which is not unlike therapy. He is closer with his team, has Buck and Zoe to brighten up his world, and is healing day by day.

Bobby is happy, and is letting himself embrace his new reality. He is jovial today, especially, since his station is getting a new probationary firefighter. Since they decided long ago not to tell anyone about their relationship at work, it was easier to recruit the kid to the 118. Buck was at the top of his class –and how proud Bobby had been when he found out –and would have recruited him at the 118 anyway.  

Buck doesn’t have to get to the station until later, so Bobby is the first one out of the house. They are having lunch when Buck arrives, and Bobby schools his face so as not to look too excited. Or call Buck “son” for some reason.

“Uh, hi. I’m Evan Buckley, new recruit.”

Yep, everything is going to be alright.

*

Dear Maddie,

As always, I miss you. I have huge news! Remember in my last postcard, how I told you I was thinking of applying to the fire academy? I got in! I actually passed with flying colors –guess there is something I’m good at, after all.

I got assigned to firehouse 118 –Bobby’s house. He swears up and down that he had nothing to do with it, but honestly I’m glad to be working under him. Today marks four months at the station. They still think I’m reckless and an idiot, can you believe it? Stop laughing! I am no longer that happy-go-lucky since Zoey.

Speaking of Zoe (I finally relented and started calling her Zoe instead of Zee. I still think Zee is cuter, but she responds to Zoe. Or Zozo), she’s two years, and three weeks old! Can you believe it? I swear I see you in her every day.

I can’t wait for you to meet her! Have you left Doug yet?

When you do, please find me. The address is the same. (Zoe could use a female influence around the house).

Love, Evan (you’re the only one allowed to call me that, btw).

Chapter Text

Buck is four months into his new job at the 118 fire station when he makes his first monumental mistake, forcing Bobby to yell at him. Bobby has never yelled at him before. It’s just that knowing a baby was flashed down the toilet reminded him of his own daughter and he just went in without thinking, almost harming it in the process. Maybe Hen and Chim are right in thinking he is reckless and unruly. He deserves the bellowing Bobby gives him.

It has been an adjustment, working with Bobby. Today is honestly the first time the distinction between Bobby the sort-of dad and Bobby his captain is glaringly evident. Buck has amassed a reputation in his short time as the reckless one in the team, the daredevil willing to do daring rescues. They don’t know that Buck is a dad –he doubts they would believe him anyway.

Being a firefighter has been a big change. Buck has loved every second of it, especially the team camaraderie, though he still feels like he is on the outside looking in when it comes to Hen and Chim –those two are attached at the hip and have secret jokes Buck can never get. He has also enjoyed meeting cute women and men on calls and being flirted with. He’s gotten several numbers on calls, but hasn’t taken anyone up on the offer. Though he misses sex, he’s not ready to date. Having Zoe and Bobby is enough for him. It has made him realize that his sexual proclivities in the past were a need to fill a lonely void in his life. He is not lonely now, and no longer needs to satisfy the itch with meaningless hookups.

Buck cannot believe he yelled at Sergeant Grant. Bobby has mentioned her once or twice he knows he is in for a reprimand when they get back to the station.  And okay, Buck contritely admits to himself that he acted unprofessionally. Yelling at a cop? Shit. He doesn’t want to set that kind of example for Zoe. He is certainly not beating the allegations that he is a punk kid. And then he goes all in again, beheading the snake wrapped around a cute girl and Bobby makes him the man behind today. Which turns out to be a blessing in disguise in the end because when Athena needs someone to steal the truck and take it to the scene, Buck is there, ending up saving a girl and somehow earning points with Athena. When he gets back to the station, Bobby is dramatically waiting for him, Hen at his side. Shit. He hates disappointing Bobby. Though instead of yelling at him, Bobby actually commends him for assisting Athena in the investigation. And doesn’t that feel awesome.

Buck and Bobby leave the station together when the shift ends. Bobby decides to leave his car so that Buck can drive them in his Jeep –Bobby hates driving in L.A. and usually uses any chance he get to have Buck drive him. When they get to the daycare, Zoe runs to him first and he gives her a huge hug, feeling something in him relax at having her in his arms, finally. Bobby does the same, and Zoe is happy to get both of them picking her up. Bobby decides to sit at the backseat with her, and she spends the journey home chattering about her buddies from daycare.

Zoe is a chatterbox and an extrovert, something Bobby teases she gets from him.

“Gampa, ice cream?” She asks suddenly in the middle of a story about frogs. Buck and Bobby always laugh at her ability to move from topic to topic without pause.

“Well, I think we could all use an ice-cream after today.” Bobby assures, and Buck cannot agree more.

*

Buck has seen people die on the job, but Devon was the first person he lost directly. He still cannot get the image of Devon plummeting to his death out of his mind. Why wouldn’t he just take his hand? Buck wonders if this is a fraction of how Bobby feels daily, blaming himself for his family’s death. On the way back to the station, he notices the team staring at him worriedly, Bobby especially. Buck just stares out of the window, his mind replaying Devon’s death over and over.

He is seated at the table as they are having a meal, but Buck cannot bring himself to stomach anything. He wants…actually, what he wants is to leave the station, pick Zoe from daycare, and hold her tight. She always has a way of making him forget anything else.

“It’s America Buckaroo, eating has nothing to do with being hungry.” Chimney says when Buck refuses to eat.

“I was right there. Now all he had to do was reach up and grab for my hand.”

“People do funny things at times like that. Sometimes they just freeze up,” says Chimney, but Buck doesn’t really hear him.

“I’ve never lost anyone before. Does it get any easier?”

“No.” Bobby says gently. Well, how is he supposed to live with this?

Hen brings Athena over, and Buck is distracted from his inward spiraling when he notices Bobby actually light up when he sees her. He actually hugs her. Okay, what the hell?

Does Bobby have a crush on the formidable sergeant? Buck cannot wait to tease him later, away from prying eyes.

As far as anyone is concerned, Buck and Bobby only really have a close relationship. Considering Hen’s penchant for organizing bets at the station, he is sure there is a bet going round on the kind of relationship that exists between them. He is sure Chim thinks Bobby is his dad. They still don’t know about Zoe and Buck isn’t sure why he hasn’t mentioned her already. Bobby said he will follow his lead and Buck is grateful for that.

Look, it’s not that Buck doesn’t want them to know, it’s just that he’s scared of what they will say about him. Logically, he knows they will be supportive, but he can’t handle it if they doubt his ability to be a dad. Or have them think that the reason he stays with Bobby is because he cannot take care of his daughter alone. Granted, he has never had to do it alone thanks to Bobby’s help, but still. Maybe it’s because he is still not as close with the rest of the team as he is to Bobby.

Later, Bobby discourages him from giving an interview about the whole Devon incident, but Buck stupidly feels like he has to explain himself.

They are cleaning up a scene when Buck gets a call from the 9-1-1 dispatcher, Abby. She is the badass that helped saved that little girl. Buck wonders why she is calling, though it’s nice to talk to her and get his feelings validated. He attends Devon’s funeral without telling Bobby, and his sister rips him a new one. Ouch. What did he think would happen, anyway? It affects him so much that on the next scene, he freezes up instead of helping secure the rope for their victim.

Bobby talks to him and actually manages to make him feel better. Bobby always makes manages to make him feel like he can do anything. Where would he be without him?

“Here,” he tells him, handing him a card, “that’s the number of a trauma counselor. There are people in the department who help us deal with that kind of staff. You need to talk to someone, kid. I hope she helps.”

“Can’t I just talk to that priest you see weekly? He’s been helping you, right?”

“He has. And I’ll introduce you to him if official therapy doesn’t work, okay? But this counselor is trained specially for first responders.”

Buck looks at the card, “Dr. Wells,” and pockets it. “Okay.”

“Oh, come here, kid,” Bobby hugs him and he falls into the warmth and comfort of his chest. Bobby is the best hugger.

“Thanks, Pops,” Buck tells him once he lets go, and watches as the corners of Bobby’s mouth lift in a smile. He has been calling Bobby that whenever he is overwhelmed.

The first time was when Zoe had been colicky, crying the whole night. Buck had been stressed from a lack of sleep and worrying for his daughter. Bobby had arrived and taken over, managing to make her sleep. He had then hugged Buck tightly, and the word “Pops” had slipped out.

“I knew Buck was your son! I knew it! Oh Hen is not gonna believe it.” Chimney’s voice rings out and they spring apart in shock. Where did he even come from?

“Chimney –”

“Nope!” And then he is off, probably to search for Hen and regale her with gossip.

“What should we tell them?” Buck asks, a little worried.

“Nothing,” Bobby says, voice confident. “There is nothing to tell. You are my kid.” Okay, now Buck wants to cry again.

“Bobby…”

“It’s gonna be okay, kid.” He taps him on the back and then he follows after chimney, leaving Buck feeling all kinds of emotions.  He takes out the therapist’s card and stares at it. For Bobby, he will try to be better.

*

“Gampa!” Zoe screams the moment she sees him and quickly abandons Mrs. Lind from the daycare and runs to him with wobble legs.

Bobby kneels and stretches his hands toward her, waiting for her to come barreling into him. He catches her and stands with her, holding her tightly, her tiny hands wrapping around his neck.

“I missed you,” She whispers. And before he can reply, and because Zoe is not one to dwell on one thing, she is off to another thing.

“Did you bring the big firet’uck?” She has been asking to see the fire truck ever since she learned that her dad and grandpa are firefighters.

“Not today, Zozo, but soon, okay?” And now that his team knows or well, thinks that Buck is his son, they can finally drop the pretense and bring Zoe to the station to meet everyone.

Bobby carries Zoe to the car, carefully buckles her into the car seat, and lets the sound of her endless chatter wash over him as he drives them home. Buck won’t be back until later, since he has his first therapy session today. Bobby really hopes it will go well. Zoe only asks for her daddy once, and after assuring her she will see him soon, she is back to rambling. He really can’t get lost in sad thoughts when she is around. She is a light that brightens his life endlessly and Bobby already loves her immensely.

When they get home, Buck has not yet arrived. Maybe the session is running late. Zoe is already dropping, having talked herself to exhaustion. Bobby feeds and bathes her and carries her to her room. Well, Buck’s room, where her small bed has been set up. Most nights, she ends up on her dad’s bed anyway. Thankfully, she is too out of it to ask for her dad. He knows that if she wakes up later and Buck is not there, she will throw a tantrum.

Honestly, Bobby is starting to worry. They finished the shift hours ago, and the therapy should only have run for one hour. It’s now going to eight am. Since Zoey was born, Buck has always been there for her nighttime routine. Something must be wrong.

Bobby is about to take out his phone and call him when he hears the lock click and Buck enters, standing against the door, immobile. Bobby releases an exhale he hadn’t known he was holding.

“Is she asleep?” Buck asks quietly, voice sounding off. Warning bells sound in Bobby’s head.

“Yeah, I just put her down. Buck? What’s wrong?”From this angle and the dim light, Bobby cannot see Buck’s face clearly to tell whether he is crying, but he can sense it. Bobby stands, his heart in throat. What could have happened?

“I didn’t want Zoe to see me like this. So I just sat outside in the car until she fell asleep.” Buck whispers, and that is when Bobby finally reaches him and sees that his eyes are red. All sorts of terrible things are racing through his mind, trying to figure out what could have happened between Buck getting off work and now. Did he finally get news about Maddie, and it wasn’t good? Zoe and Bobby are already here and accounted for, and the kid has a sad list of people who give a shit about him. And obviously it can’t be anyone from work because then Bobby would have been informed.

“What happened, son? Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

“I don’t even know why I’m crying!” Buck starts suddenly, moving deeper into the room and dropping his entire weight on the couch. Okay, Bobby is now officially worried.

“Buck, please tell me what happened.” Bobby realizes that his voice is strained and Buck must have heard it too because he nods once, twice.

“You know how you suggested I see that counselor?”

Bobby nods, his stomach clenching. Oh God, no. But he looks at Buck’s rumpled clothes, red eyes, and…what has Bobby done?

“She-uh, asked me about Devon, right? And she was asking me these questions about what I could have done differently and it was actually helping me think, you know?” Bobby can only nod, fists clenched.

“But these questions also made me think how I couldn’t save him, and so I start crying and the next thing I know she has moved close…and…and she is touching my knee, and…and…Bobby I –”He shakes his head, unable to finish.

“Oh, son, come here.” Buck practically falls into his arms and he feels so small like this. He sobs against him, and Bobby forces himself to stay still and be there for Buck right now, putting a lid on the rage that rolls over him. This is all his fault. How dare that woman, a whole therapist, assault his kid like this?

Buck pushes himself from the hug and wipes his tires, looking as if he is miles away.

“She…I didn’t say no. I didn’t say no, so it’s not what you’re thinking.” He doesn’t know who the kid is trying to convince.

“Did you want it?” Bobby asks gently.

“I mean no, but. She was on my lap and it just…happened. And I haven’t been with anyone since Peru so my body just…went with the flow. But I just felt gross after, like-like I had just been used, you know? And then she kicked me out and told me not to tell anyone.”

“She did what?”

“Yeah she mentioned something about it being inappropriate –”

“–She should have thought of that before!” Bobby whisper shouts. “Buck. It’s not okay. What she did is not okay. You understand that, right? She was in a position of power. You didn’t go there to have…that. You went so that you can get better. She abused her power, and I promise, son. I promise she is going to pay.”

“She assaulted me, didn’t she?” Buck asked in a small voice, as if all the justifications running in his mind have suddenly ran out. Bobby’s chest hurts.

“I’m sorry, kid. You know that I wouldn’t have sent you to her if I knew, right? I am so sorry, son.”

“I know, Pops. I just feel so…” he trails for and tears stream down his face again, and Bobby can feel his own wetting his face.

He brings Buck to him, hugging him as he falls once more to his chest. He rocks him like a baby, already formulating a plan to bring hell to the therapist in his head.

“Did Zoe ask for me?” Buck asks later, once he is all cried out.

“She did. She actually insisted on sleeping on your bed. Why don’t you shower and join her? It will do you good to see her.”

Once Buck has gone to his room, Bobby stays for a long time on the couch, staring at nothing. For the first time in years, he craves a drink in his hand, but that’s not him anymore. Especially not tonight.

Why did she choose Buck, of all people? The kid has been trying so hard to be good since they met. For Zoe, but also for himself.  He doesn’t deserve it. He should have vetted Dr. Wells before taking the chief on his word. Granted, she has been a department therapist for three years now, why would Bobby have doubted her intentions? Is this her M.O? See young firefighters like Buck and have sex with them, knowing they are unlikely to refuse? Bobby is sure that if Buck didn’t have a kid, he wouldn’t have realized or cared that a therapist abused her position. He would probably have been more focused on the sex part. But Buck-the-Dad is more aware and centered, and was genuinely uncomfortable and too shocked at the shrink’s actions to stop her.

Bobby checks on Buck and Zoe, and the sight breaks his heart. Even on sleep, Buck looks small and drained. He is holding on to Zoe tightly to his chest, as if afraid of letting her go. Bobby gently pulls a blanket over them.

Bobby is up early morning and hitting Athena’s cell the first thing. He asks her to meet, and she doesn’t ask more questions as they agree on a time.  Before he leaves, he gives Buck a tight hug, and then Zoe demands one, too (as if he can ever leave the house without hugging her) much to their amusement. He really loves them so much.

When they meet at a small coffee shop, Bobby is only a little flustered at the sight of Athena, his mind occupied with Buck. Normally, his heart does a little skip whenever he sees her. He tells her about giving Buck Dr. Wells’ card because she is one of the department approved trauma therapist. He tells her about Buck coming home crying, and recounts the tale. Bobby sees that Athena is just as furious as he is.

“And to think it was his first therapy session,” Bobby says, furious. He hates that the evil woman might have spoiled therapy for Buck. Will he ever be comfortable seeing another shrink in the future?

“And after his first loss, too. You know, there is a high chance that Buck is not the first victim. She has been at the department for three years, right? What are the chances that Buck is the first fire-fighter she came on to?”

“Probie,” Bobby realizes.

“What?”

“Buck cannot be the only fire fighter to face mental upheaval on the job. Losing people on the job is a regular occurrence. But not for probies.”

“And most probies are young, possibly attractive men –we can assume she doesn’t go for women –who fit Buck’s description. And she knows the likelihood of them reporting her is slim.” Athena concludes.

Bobby nods. “I still can’t get the sight of him out of my head. He looked so small...”

“We’ll get her, okay? I’m starting on it immediately. There are more like Buck, I am sure.”

“Thank you, Athena.”

“Of course. I’ll get back to you immediately I have something.” They drink their coffees, shifting to other topics.

“You know,” Athena starts, “a little bird told me that Buck is your son.”

Bobby is glad for the change of topic. “And I assume that the little bird is Hen?”

“Spill, mister.” He and Athena have gradually become friends over the years.

“Okay, yes. Not officially, or biologically, but he is. We met about three years ago in Saint Paul, and Buck had just found out his then sort-of-girlfriend was pregnant –”

“–hold on. That kid has a child? He is a kid himself!” Athena interrupts, making Bobby laugh. Yeah, most people never assume that Buck is a whole dad.

“Zoey.” He takes out his phone and goes to the camera roll, which is filled with pictures of Zoey and Buck. He finds one taken last week, in which she actually paused for the camera and did a little dance. “Here she is.” He shows her to Athena.

“Oh wow. She does look like Buck. And she’s cute too. I didn’t know you were a grandpa.”

“Well, now you do.” He stopped denying the title long ago. “But maybe keep this between us for now? Buck has yet to tell the team, and it should be his choice.”

“Yes of course. Thank you for telling me.”

Bobby can only smile. Talking with Athena is enough to make him forget the initial purpose of their meeting. As they depart ways later, he knows that Athena will rain down on Dr. Wells with everything she has got.

They have a 48-off, so after the meeting with Athena, Bobby returns home to find Buck looking so much better, though he guesses he is putting a front for Zoe. They spend the rest of the day together, just the three of them.  In the evening, they go grocery shopping and take turns ferrying Zoe around on the wheeled shopping car as she happily picks items they don’t need. They spend a long time at Wal-mart because Zoe insists on taking everything and Buck and Bobby have to gently explain why they can’t carry the entire store home. The next day, Bobby accompanies Buck and Zoe to the Zoo and he listens amusedly as Buck elucidates random animal facts.

By the time they roll up to their next shift at the station, Buck looks better-rested and less stressed about the Devon and evil therapist of it all. He is still a little guarded and down, but Bobby plans to keep an eye on him. He smiles to himself when he finds Buck and Hen playing a video game, Buck being his usual rowdy self. He is glad to see the kid bouncing back. Bobby allows himself to trust that Buck will be alright for the moment.

But then Chimney pulls up to the station, devastated about Tatiana’s refusal of his proposal. Bobby has always thought the relationship was not good for Chimney, that Tatiana was just using him. He knew Hen though so too. And so today he loses it on Chim although he regrets it immediately, especially once he sees Buck and Hen try to pretend not to wince at his harsh tone. Well, what he tells Chimney is true, but he could have been gentler about it.

And Chimney’s parting words, “You know, I pity your wife. It must be hard living with someone who thinks he’s right all the time” actually makes him flinch. It reminds him that the team doesn’t know anything about him. Maybe he should change that. From Buck’s cringe, too, Bobby guesses he feels the same. The only thing Hen and Chim know is that Buck is his son. He didn’t even tell him that they are wrong. Sort of.

Chimney gets into one of the worst accidents Bobby has ever witnessed, and his well of guilt builds and builds. If he hadn’t yelled at him, he wouldn’t have driven off in anger. First, he sends Buck to a therapist that took advantage of him, and now he is indirectly responsible for Chimney’s…actual rebar through his skull. When will Bobby stop hurting the people he cares about?

That night, after they have been told that Chimney is in a coma and may never wake up, Bobby holds Buck again as he cries. He is worried about Chimney, and Bobby knows that Buck has never lost someone close to him before. He prays to God that Chimney wakes up.

As Chimney is recovering in the hospital, Buck starts having restless sleeps, waking up drenched in sweat and screaming from nightmares. Thankfully, Zoe is a heavy sleeper once she goes down. It usually takes Bobby whispering to him softly that he is okay, and Buck watching Zoe sleep, for him to calm down. Bobby knows it is the residual trauma from Devon, Dr. Wells, and Chimney’s accident that is catching up with him.

Speaking of Dr. Wells, Athena has found three firefighters who have come up and are willing to testify against her. Athena suspects that there are many more, and Bobby feels the rage that is usually associated with the doctor cloud him. He still wants to march into wherever she is nowadays and confront her, but Athena advised against it. Buck refused to testify, wanting to put the incidence behind him. If only his nightmares would let him forget.

So, with everything happening, Bobby is back to spiraling. He spends his time nowadays trying to hold it together, even if he feels like he is hanging by a thread. He takes care of Buck and holds him through his nightmares, helps take care of Zoe (though taking care of his grandkid is the best thing), goes to the hospital to stay with Chimney, and leads the team through the shifts. He has also been staring at his small book a lot recently, like he does whenever he is feeling stressed. And… he wants a drink. He won’t succumb, but God help him, he does want one.

To make matters worse, there is a plane crash at Dockweiler State Beach with mass casualties that reminds him of the fire in Saint Paul. And for a moment, trying to save a woman trapped on her seat, he resigns himself to drowning with her. Of course Buck will not leave him behind.

Bobby is staring at the ocean, lost in his head, when Buck finds him.

“Hey, Pops, want a ride?” He can only nod, words lost to him. They drive in heavy silence but Bobby notices Buck shooting him worried looks from the corner of his eyes.

“I’m okay, Buck. I’m not going to drink.”

“I know. Want to talk about it? I know today was hard, seeing all those people…”

“Yeah, it was. But I’m not ready to talk about it tonight.” Buck nods in understanding.

“Yeah, we could both use the Zoe magic cure. Sharon tells me she is still awake.” Sharon is Zoe’s twenty-year old sitter.

“What’s she doing up this late?”

“Waiting for us, apparently.”

When they get home, Zoe is on them in an instance.

“Gampa! You’re late!” He is the first one in, Buck hanging out to relieve Sharon. She is already in his arms, and Bobby hugs her tight.

“I know, sweatpea. But I’m here now, okay?”

“Gampa sad?” She asks innocently, making his heart melt.

“Yes a little. But you know what?”

“What?”

“I feel so much better now that I have seen you.” She gives him a toothy smile, leaning back against him.

“Daddy!” She notices Buck, and Bobby is old history for now. As he leaves them and goes to shower, he admits to himself that he does feel better. He knows that without Buck and Zoe, he would have spent the night inebriated.

*

“Hey, Pops.” Bobby’s heart skips happily, as it always does whenever Buck calls him that –which has become more common since the plane crash.  He guesses that Buck has noticed how being reminded of the family he has is enough to keep him from falling off the deep end.

They are making lasagna, Zoe’s favorite. She is currently coloring in the sitting room as she watches Little Bear, her favorite show. She woke up grumpy this morning, demanded that she wanted Wasagna, yelled at her dad to put on Little Bear, and has been sitting silently, occasionally yelling for the “Wasagna, Gampa!” She is so demanding.

“Yes, kid?” They have a day off today.

“So there is this 911 dispatcher, Abby?”

“Yeah, you may have mentioned her once or twice.”

Buck glares at him. “Anyway, she called me the other day. She-uh, asked me out on a date.”

Bobby frowns. “Where did she get your number?”

“She saw me on TV giving that interview, and I guess dispatchers have access to these things?” He shrugs. Bobby ignores the ethical implications of that. Honestly, he has been a little protective of the kid since Dr. Wells, especially because Buck cannot stop attracting admirers at scenes.

“Okay? Do you want that?” Buck is quite.

“Ah-honestly, no.”

“You know it’s okay to turn her down, right?”

“Yeah, it’s just-I told her that I wasn’t looking for sex, and maybe we could be friends?” Good, although he knows friends is not what the woman has in mind.

“That’s okay, kid.”

“She sounds nice on the phone and I never really had a friend before. But now she keeps calling, and it’s nice, but I think she might be flirting. Do you think it’s normal to be friends with a woman without it turning to more?”

“I do. You’re friends with Hen, aren’t you?” Although maybe Hen shouldn’t count, given her sexual orientation. “And Mrs. Lind from daycare.” He once found them engrossed in a story about cheating spouses, of all things. “And Sharon.”

“I guess you’re right. After that, uh-that therapist. I don’t want to date right now. The thought of sex actually makes me feel…gross. Is there something wrong with me?”

“No! No, kid. It’s okay that you want to take a step back. You’ll be ready when you are ready, just take your time, okay?” Maybe he could track down that woman and run her over with his car. He forces himself to breathe. Trust Athena to do her job.

“Okay. Besides, I’m not ready to introduce anyone to Zoe,” and as if she knew they were speaking about her, she yells loudly,

“Daddy, Wasagna!”Bobby and Buck laugh.

“Coming, your highness!”

“You know,” Buck says once they have delivered the lasagna to Zoe, set her in her high chair, and they are back in the kitchen, but in their line of sight. “When I was traveling, I used to have a lot of sex with different people. It’s just…no one really paid me any attention at school, but suddenly they did. Especially girls, after I started sprouting up and going to the gym. I guess word got round that I was good at sex? And in my travels, I capitalized on that. But I didn’t realize how fleeting the feelings were, you know? Because in the end, no one ever really stayed. I was good for sex, and only that.”

“Oh, Buck. You know that’s not true, right?”

“I know now. And then Zoe happened and I met you and I’m starting to realize that it wasn’t the sex I liked, it was the chance to connect with people. And since Zoe, I haven’t even thought about dating and I have been happy. But Dr. Wells made me feel like I haven’t moved past that at all. You know that night, as I came from her office, I started doubting if I dreamed it all? If Zoe was real, if I really met you in Saint Paul.”

Oh, this kid. Sometimes Buck says the most heartbreaking things.  But he’s finally opening up about everything, and Bobby nods for him to continue.

“And then Abby called me soon after, asking me for a date and it all brought me back. I don’t want to go back, Bobby. To being a lone traveler with no home.”

“And you won’t. As long as you have Zoe, you’ll never be alone.” Bobby assures.

“And you, right? You’re not gonna leave me, are you? I can’t imagine how hard it must be, missing your family daily. But please remember that you’re not alone, okay?”

Oh, of course Buck noticed him spiraling these last few days. “Okay, Buck. I’m not going anywhere.”

At that moment, Buck’s phone blares with a text, and Bobby looks down to see Abby’s name on top. Buck frowns and picks up immediately. Bobby serves himself food, going to join Zoe in the living room and giving Buck some privacy.

“So what are we watching?” He motions to the TV.

“Little Bear!”

“Don’t mind if I join.”

“Hey, Bobby. I’m stepping out, Abby’s mum is missing I’ll help her search.” Buck appears at the doorway.

“Go. We’re good here.” He just hopes this Abby will respect Buck’s boundaries and not try to bridge gap from friendship to more. After everything Buck confessed, he deserves someone his equal, someone to have his back. And he has a feeling Abby is only looking for a distraction in a young firefighter.

Buck hugs Zoe, who only pouts a little before she gets distracted by the little bear on the screen. “Bye, Daddy!”

*

Pre-Valentine’s Day coincides with Chimney’s first day back at the station. It really is a miracle the guy survived. Hen ordered a Rebar cake that Bobby thought was ugly when he saw it yesterday.

“I was thinking of bringing Zoe to the station today,” Buck told him that morning. It was supposed to be the kid’s day off but he insisted on coming to the station and agreeing to be man behind because apparently he suffers from FOMO. Bobby had to google the word in worry, fearing the worst. So Buck didn’t want to miss Chimney’s welcome back party.

“Also Abby might have mentioned she wanted to come? I hope that’s okay.”

“Abby? I thought you told her you were just friends.”

“Yeah, yeah I did. We met that day I helped her find her mum and…”

“And?” He knew he sounded eager, but who didn’t love gossip?

“And she’s like…older than me. Not that it’s bad, but.” Ha. So he was right. Abby was looking for a distraction.

“How much older?”

“She’s forty-two.” Damn.

Buck was 24. “That’s eighteen years older. How are we feeling about it?” Bobby asked. As Buck’s dad (yes, he would wrestle Philip Buckley for the title if it came to it), he was feeling uncomfortable about this whole situation. Abby should be coming after him, not his kid.

“Really weird. But not even because of the age thing. The way she and her friend, Carla –who is awesome, by the way –sized me up. I’ve seen that look in women before. But at least nothing happened, so still friends.”

Bobby did not say out loud the uncharitable thoughts he was thinking that moment regarding Abby.

“And how did it get to her coming to Chim’s party?”

“Carla put me on the spot. She was like, what are you doing for Abby on Valentine’s Day, and I just blurted out the party and asked her to come. I didn’t think she’d agree! Anyway it’s okay that she comes, right?”

“Oh, yeah. It’s okay.” Bobby wanted to see this woman for himself. “Besides, Athena will also be there.”

“Ooooh your secret crush.” Buck cooed, and Bobby did not blush. He didn’t.

“So, Zoe can come too, right? I think it’s time she meets everyone.”

So, here they are.

They are all gathered around Chimney and the ugly cake as they welcome him back. Athena is already there, but Abby hasn’t arrived yet. He will not admit to Buck how curious he is to meet her. Zoe is also not here yet –he and Buck agreed that she should not take the thunder from Chimney, and will be arriving with her sitter after they have cut the cake. Actually, she should be arriving any minute now.

He can tell Buck is nervous by the way he keeps staring out the open foyer. He is really excited to introduce everyone to Zoe.

Bobby is at the lockers, about to call Sharon to ask what the holdup is, when he notices a beautiful woman carefully scrolling in. She is carrying a plate of what looks to be cookies.

“Hi, can I help you?” She looks nervous.

“Yeah, I’m here for the party.”

“Oh, you’re a friend of Chimney’s.” Bobby guesses, which makes her look more embarrassed.

“No, you’re, are you Captain Nash?”

“Yeah, who are you?” He’s actually starting to get an idea.

“I’m-uh Abby Clark.” Of course. “A friend of Buck’s.”

Bobby forces a smile. “Oh, you’re the woman from the phone. The 911 operator.” Bobby holds out his hand for her to shake.

“Nice to meet you. My son might have forgotten to mention you.” He knows is tone is less than pleasant. That must have shocked Abby, because her eyes widen and her mouth open and close like a fish.

“Your…son?”

He doesn’t get to say more because Buck notices her and is calling her upstairs. He listens as Buck introduces her to everyone excitedly and laughs to himself at his kid’s antics. Buck doesn’t realize that his golden retriever energy and ease with everyone sometimes give women the wrong impression, and watching as Abby smiles diffidently, she is probably thinking she has a chance.

But Bobby knows Buck, and sees how he is still distracted. He keeps looking outside, eager for Zoe. Bobby is about to join them upstairs when:

“GAMPA!” Ah, the queen has arrived. He kneels down as Zoe comes barreling into his arms happily. He can hear that the noise upstairs has stopped, and doesn’t have to look up to know that everyone is staring at them. Zoe is dressed in a bright red dress to match the day, with a matching head wrap on her head that makes wisps of curls fall to her forehead. Sharon is better at styling her than he and Buck could ever manage. He stands up with her and goes to Sharon, who is watching them with a smile. Sharon has been watching Zoe since she was eight months old.

“Hey thanks for bringing her. There is cake, wanna join?”

“Thanks, but not today. Maybe bring me some? I am meeting up my boyfriend.”

“Will do, bye.” Zoe waves her bye and they head toward the loft, where everyone is watching them. Buck is already halfway the stairs to meet them.

“DADDY!” Zoe screeches, already begging to let down. She runs towards Buck, who meets her down the stairs and picks her up.

“My princess! I missed you. You wanna meet everyone?”

“Yes!” Zoe agrees happily, an extrovert like her father.

He risks a glance upstairs at Abby and can see her flabbergasted expression. Buck must have not mentioned to her that he has a daughter.

“Hey everyone, meet the first woman in my life!” Buck announces.

“I’m a princess!” Zoe corrects and everyone coos, although they look stunned. All but Athena, the only one Bobby told.

“Wait, you have a kid?’ Hen asks.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Chimney.

“Since when?”

“What’s her name?”

“How old is she?”

“Wait. Bobby said that his kid has a kid!” Chimney says suddenly. “Hen how did we forget that?”

“Oh, right!”

It’s question after question. Zoe actually enjoys the attention, though she is choosy on whom she lets hold her. Bobby feels bad to think it, but Abby is all but forgotten as everyone coos over Zoe. He can’t even blame them, his grandkid is an attention stealer.

Athena is the first one to hold Zoe. She’s a little shy, but allows her to take her. “Hey, baby, I’m Athena. What’s your name?”

“Zoe. But sometimes gampa calls me Zozo.” She explains and Bobby melts at the sight.

“Awww.” Someone coos.

“How old are you, Zoe?” Hen asks offering her a piece of cake.

Zoe holds out all ten fingers in answer, making them laugh. And then it goes like that, Zoe being introduced to different people and charming everyone she meets. When Athena comments that she has a nice dress, she says loudly, “you can’t have it!” setting everyone off in laughter.

“Hey Zoe, this is Abby.” Buck introduces later, Zoe finally back in his arms.

Zoe waves shyly.

“Hi Zoe, it’s nice to meet you!” Zoe smiles at her. Bobby can tell that something has changed in Abby, that she is not as excited as she was. Which confirms she wasn’t looking for friendship from Buck.

Later, Bobby, Abby, Hen, Athena and Buck are eating cake when Hen asks Buck where he is taking Abby for Valentine’s Day. Zoe is nested on Athena’s chest, eating her cake with her whole face and putting some on Athena, though she doesn’t seem to mind. They put Buck on the spot and Bobby has to restrain himself from rescuing him. Kid must fight his on battles sometimes.  Abby smiles bashfully, looking eager and hopeful for Buck’s answer.

“Uh-nowhere. We are not dating, just friends.” Buck says nonchalantly, oblivious to the way Abbie’s face falls. Ouch. Bobby almost feels bad for Abby. But something inside him relaxes. Oh, thank God. If his son dated Abby and they somehow worked, would Bobby be her kinda-dad? Hell no.

Awkward silence envelopes the group, only broken by Zoe, who drops her cake and yells “Gampa! Cake!” Zoe knows Bobby is in charge when it comes to food and baked goods.

“Aww, that’s so cute. She calls you gampa.” Conversation flows after, thank God for his grandkid. Abby excuses herself, looking almost dejected. Buck offers to see her out. And then Chimney comes and demands that it’s his time with Zoe, and she giggles at him.

“Chimey!” She already knows his name, apparently. She likes Chimney, probably more than everyone else.

“You wanna come with uncle Chimney and see the trucks?” He asks, and she practically slides from Athena’s arms.

“Yes, pwease!”

“Good, let’s leave these ones to their boring conversation.” And then they are off.

“Damn,” Athena exclaims, looking downstairs at toward Buck and Abby where they are slowly walking outside. “That woman’s dreams of getting laid just got crushed.”

“I bet she’d bought red lingerie.” Hen adds.

“Damn Bobby, didn’t you teach your kid to be gentle when letting women down?” Athena asks, but her voice is full on mirth.

“Besides, they don’t match. I don’t think they would have worked. How old is Buck anyway?” Asks Hen.

“He’s 24. Plus a few months.”

“See? They are at completely different stages in life.”Bobby nods in agreement.

A few minutes later, Buck comes up the loft, looking adorably confused.

“You okay?” Athena asks him.

“I think-I think me and Abby are no longer friends.” He looks so befuddled.

Hen and Athena laugh. Bobby wants to laugh, but stops himself.

“Why do you think so?” He asks gently (Chim calls it his dad voice).

“Uh-where is Zoe?”

“She’s with Chim, now spill.” Hen sounds impatient for gossip. She and Chim will have a lot of fodder for chitchat later.

“She claims I have been flirting with her. And that since I invited her here on today, she thought we were heading to something more.”

“Well…”

“I told her I wanted to be friends! You know what? Women are too complicated –”

 “-hey!” The two women turn to him at once.

 “–so if I date anyone, it will be a man.” He reveals indifferently, as if he is talking about the weather and not revealing a huge part of his identity that Bobby is sure people didn’t know. He does not seem to notice Hen and Athena’s shocked expressions at the revelation. Bobby knew, of course, but –

“Did you know men cannot get pregnant?” Buck continues, unbothered, already moving on from the reveal. And -what? Is the kid high?

“Really? No, we did not.” Athena says sarcastically, looking like she’s bounced from her shock. Hen is staring at Buck as if he has grown two heads.

Buck rolls his eyes. “I love Zoe, but I don’t want to risk it with a woman again.” And then he’s off, calling for Zoe. Hen, Athena and Bobby look at each other before they set off laughing.

God help him, but his kid his crazy. But he loves him anyway.

Chapter Text

Buck has never seen their house look this lively and refined before. Holy shit, but why didn’t they think to do this sooner? He and Bobby (and Zoe, who has made herself the host) are hosting the 118 and Athena to their home for the first time. Since he introduced Zoe to everyone, it was easy to progress to the next stage, which is apparently a family dinner at their place. Chimney is the only one here alone. Hen brought Karen and their super cute kid, Denny; Athena is here with her kids, Harry and May (Zoe already claimed May as her favorite, much to Chimney’s ire). Zoe, Denny and Harry are somewhere in Zoe’s room being regaled with tales of things that never happened. May is playing babysitter.

The third room has been claimed as hers, though Zoe has never slept there alone. They keep the cradle bed with wheels there during the day, but at night, they roll the bed over to Buck’s room. Neither she nor Buck is ready for her to start sleeping in the room alone.

“Wow this is a nice home, guys. How did you even afford it with L.A.’s housing market?” Chim exclaims, looking around.

“The benefits of dating a rich woman,” Buck says, his mouth running ahead of his brain filters. Damn his lack of filters. Now everyone is staring at him.

“Wait what?” Chim exclaims excitedly, always eager for new gossip.

“Oh there is a story there. Spill.” Hen.

“Okay, I wanna hear this.” Athena.

“Pops? Please help?” Buck turns pleading eyes at Bobby.

“You’re on your own, kid,” Bobby claps him on the back before leaving to start serving.

“Okay, so I met Angela in Peru –“

“You were in Peru?”  

“Focus Chimney or I’ll lock you with the kids.” Athena threatens. They look so eager to hear the story. Since he brought Zoe to the station, the 118 A-shift has somehow become closer. More like a family. Athena and Bobby are getting closer and closer, and Buck won’t be surprised if they start dating soon. Hen has been useful in giving him baby tips, especially when it comes to choosing outfits for Zoe. Chimney has been spoiling her with toys, cementing his reputation as the favorite.

“When I met Angela, we were both only looking for fun. She was in Peru backpacking and was renting near the place I lived with these guys. So whenever she would come home in the evenings after exploring, we would, ah- you know, catch up. And then five months after we started our casual hookup, she comes to me and tells me she is pregnant. She hadn’t noticed the signs all those months because she was on the pill, it must have not worked or something.”

“Wait, you just believed that it was yours?” Hen asks. “No one can doubt it now, Zoe is your carbon copy, but you must have had doubts, right?” Bobby has finished serving the food, and he is also listening eagerly as they eat. He had never told him about his and Angela’s relationship in Peru.

“Yes, actually. She had no reason to lie. I mean, Angela was-is one of those affluent girls from rich families. She used to throw money around on us, buying us drinks and food and paying for the most expensive hotel on our dillydallying. And I was a broke nobody –”

“Where was Bobby –”

Buck ignores Hen. Bobby hasn’t yet told them about his family, and confessing how they met will mean exposing his secret. “Anyway, she had no reason to lie. But then she said she didn’t want kids, and the doctors advised against abortion since it was too late. She said she wanted to go back home to Saint Paul, and would find a family wanting to adopt or something. She didn’t think I would want to be part of the kid. But then coincidentally, Bobby was in Saint Paul. I followed her, found Bobby, and the rest is history.” He realizes that the story is full of holes.

“It’s okay Buck. I am ready to tell them.” Everyone looks at Bobby in question. Okay, wow. Buck is so happy for Bobby. That he's willing to finally share with the team about his biggest secret is amazing. It shows that he has been gradually healing.

“I met Buck a little over three years ago. It had been a few months since I lost my family, my wife and kids in a fire.”

Buck hears Chimney and Hen gasp.

It is a somber evening, but Buck is proud of Bobby. He is proud of the far they have come and their expanding family. But he misses Maddie and wishes she was here. And as Bobby and Athena become closer, he has started longing for a partner –a male partner preferably, because he was serious about accidentally creating another kid while Zoe is still a toddler. He would love another kid, but maybe next time he will adopt an older one.

“So wait.”Chim looks at him as if he’s seeing him in a new light. “350k? Holy shit, dude. You’re like, set for a long time!”

He still hasn’t processed that he has that much in his back account. He only dipped into it to pay for half the lease and has bought Zoe some stuff and some kitchen equipment for Bobby. Zoe already has a financial investment account that she will access when she is older, and hopefully the money will have tripled. Or quadrupled.

Two months later, Bobby learns that his blood is kinda magical in its rarity, and Buck thinks it is the last piece of the puzzle in convincing Bobby that he is in this world for a reason. That he still has many more people to save.

And so, that night after tucking Zoe to bed, Buck invites Athena, Hen, and Chimney over to their house and they light a fire outside. In a circle, they watch and celebrate as Bobby finally burns the small book that is tainted with trauma, regret and guilt. He will never forget his family, but he is no longer penitent about being happy for the new one.

His dad is finally ready to embrace all that the future brings.

*

They are at the station one day making fun of Bobby’s dating profile (he only made one to show Buck that he wasn’t pining over Athena) when a woman shows up and accuses him of leading him on for six weeks. Buck is seriously confused. He tries to defend himself, but then the woman hits him in anger. Buck wants to cry.

“Guys, did you see that?” He asks the team, wanting to make sure that actually happened. What the fuck?

“Who was that? Weren’t you telling us that real change is possible?” Chimney asks, and Buck feels his face fall.

“I don’t know who that was! I...”

“I believe you, kid.” Bobby approaches him with an ice pack.

“You do?”

“Of course.” Bobby examines his face worriedly. He looks at the space where the angry woman had just occupied, his jaw clenching in anger. He looks as if he wants to go after her.

“So do I, by the way.” Says Hen.

“Yeah, me too. Sorry for doubting you, Buckaroo. We’ll get to the bottom of this.”  Whether Chimney is saying that because of Hen and Bobby or he actually believes it, Buck doesn't care. He's just glad to have some support.

His team is rallying behind him and buck wants to cry. Out of relief this time.

“Why?” Why do you trust me? Why aren’t you tossing me aside?

“Because we’re family and family supports each other.” Hen says. Buck is about to…he doesn’t know, maybe break into ugly sobs. But then the alarm blares and they are off to the ladder truck.

The next time it happens, he is out with Hen for coffee as they discuss how she can win over Karen, who is mad at her because of the whole cheating mess. Another woman claims he led her on and pours ice cold water all over his face. Buck is officially pissed. What if he was out with Zoe? Hen helps him wipe his face and they go back to their cars, Buck feeling lethargic. Hen tries to comfort him but he just wants to go home, hug his daughter, and cry. He cannot even remember the last time he flirted with a woman and two have already accused him of ghosting them.

It is Chim who finally figures out that he is being catfished, and they track the culprit to an old trailer. And he is already dead. Buck is just glad that the whole nightmare is over with.

When they get to the station, Buck heads straight to the shower and scrubs his skin until he is pink. He is not exactly surprised to find Bobby in a suit, tying a tie as he gets dressed for a date. He confessed to him that morning that he finally asked Athena out after she was of great help to him after a difficult call.

What is surprising, however, is Martinez from B-shift coming up the stairs and telling him that there was a woman here for him.

“Chim, I thought that now we caught the catfish, this whole thing would stop?” It was supposed to be over. Getting harassed by random women was no fun.

“It should! Maybe whoever it is waited so she can enact a bigger revenge than the rest?” Chim says unhelpfully.

“Hey, we’ll tell her the truth, okay? We won’t let her harm you.” Bobby says.

“Should I tell her to go?” Martinez questions. “Didn’t sound like a scorned lover though.”

“What do you mean?”

“She said her name was Maddie, and –” He must say more, but Buck’s ears are ringing. It can’t be, right? Could it be?

He makes brief eye contact with Bobby and then he is running down the stairs, anticipation building in his chest.

And there she is.

“M-Maddie?” She is standing restlessly in the middle of the foyer, rubbing her hands nervously. There are two suitcases at her feet. Buck also notices the red mark on her face and swallows.

She looks up at the sound of her name, and then she is running, or is it Buck that’s running?

“Evan?” Buck hasn’t heard from her in over three years. The sound of his name on her lips is enough to bring tears to his eyes. They crash into each other in the middle of the station, and Buck holds her tight.

“You’re here.” He whispers, voice muffled where his mouth meets the back of her head as he hugs her. She fits into his arms perfectly.

“I’m here. I am so sorry it took so long.” And then someone clears their throat and Buck hesitantly releases her, turning to find Bobby and Chimney just behind him.

“Uh-guys, this is my sister, Maddie. Maddie, this is Chimney and Bobby, our captain and my –uh -” how does he introduce his sister to the man who is his father in all but blood? “My Pops.” He decides to go with, finally. Just because he has his sister back doesn’t mean he will let go of his current relationship with Bobby.

Both Bobby and Maddie’s eyes widen. “Nice to meet you, Maddie,” Chimney brings his hand in greeting, and Buck notices that his expression is smitten. He looks at Maddie like she hang the moon. Oh boy.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Maddie. Buck’s told me a lot about you.” Bobby tells Maddie warmly.

“Thank you. For taking care of him.” Maddie tells him, making Bobbie raise his eyebrows in question. Right, he never told him about the postcards.

“I sent her letters.” Buck says simply.

“Right. Well, why don’t you leave early and take Maddie home? I’ll see you later?” Bobby tells him. Buck told him how he suspected Maddie’s husband was abusive. Bobby assured him that if she ever came, they would all help her. Looking at Bobby now and seeing the understanding look he gives him, Buck knows that he means it still. Especially given the visible bruise on Maddie’s face that looks like someone ran a fist through it.

 “Okay, I’ll see you later. Have fun!” Bobby leaves to his date.

“Come on, Maddie, ready to be reacquainted with your old Jeep?” He picks up a suitcase and Chim picks the other, helping him carry them to the car. He is still looking at his sister like she is the best thing ever.

“Wow, you still have it?”

“Oh, yeah.” Once everything is inside, Buck turns to Chim.

“Hey, thank you for today, man. Couldn’t have done it without you.”

Chimney waves him off distractedly. “No problem. Maybe you can bring your sister around later?”

“Bye, Chim.”

And then there were two. The Buckley siblings, together at last. “You know I can get a hotel, right? If you’re living with Bobby?”

“Nonsense. There is a room with your name on it. And I get to finally introduce you to my daughter.” Buck takes out his phone and shows Maddie a picture of Zoe.

“Oh Evan, she’s so beautiful! Gosh, she looks exactly like you as a baby.”

“Really?”

“Really. I can’t believe you’re a dad! I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. I missed everything.” Maddie tears up, and Buck brings his hand that is not driving to her knee in comfort.

“Hey, none of that. Yes, I thought of you every day, but I understand.” Especially when he looks at the bruise and knows that there are probably many others hidden under her clothes.

“Maddie, I got to ask. You’ve left him, right? For good?”

She nods. “Yeah. He…he threatened to kill me. And this time he meant it.” Fuck. Buck’s heart beats fast in his chest. He can’t believe he almost lost his sister and he was none the wiser.

“I’m so sorry Maddie. I’m glad you’re here now. Please stay?” He takes the road that heads toward the daycare.

“Are you sure Bobby won’t mind?”

“I’m sure. He’s the best. He saved me, you know?”

“He did? I want to know everything.” Buck laughs. He’s busting at the seams with the need to tell her everything.

“Oh, don’t I have so much to tell you! But right now, there is a special Buckley that I want you to meet. She’s going to love you.”

They are here.

Maddie smiles excitedly. “I can’t wait!”

They get out of the car and she follows him at the entrance. He is let in without much funfair because he is a regular and led toward the art room where Zoe usually hangs out in. And then,

“Daddy!” His little girl is running toward him the moment she sees him, and the sight never fails to make him melt. He bends to pick her, kissing her face lovingly.

“I missed you sweatpea. So much.” Especially after a day of being abused by strange women.

“I missed you daddy.”

“Hey, there is someone I want you to meet.”

“Uncle Chimey?” Buck laughs.

“No, not Chimney.”He turns to Maddie with Zoe in his arms. “Zoe, this is my sister, Maddie. She is your aunt.”

“Auntie Maddie?” She asks. Buck had shown her pictures of Maddie, he didn’t realize she remembered.

“Yes, honey that’s me. I am so happy to finally meet you. Can I give you a hug?” Zoe nods.

Maddie takes her carefully from Buck’s arms and hugs her tight. Buck dreamed of this moment for so long, and it’s finally here.

Zoe gently traces her tiny fingers on Maddie’s forehead bruise.

“Ouchie hurt?”Maddie melts, nodding at Zoe. Buck is not faring much better.

“Daddy kisses my ouchie when am hurt. Do you want a kiss?” Damn, his daughter is the cutest.

“Yes please.” Maddie whispers and Zoe leaves a loud, wet kiss on her face that has Buck laughing.

They head to the car and strap Zoe to her car seat. She demands that Maddie sit with her of course and Buck is alone at the front. As he drives home, listening to Zoe and Maddie talk like they are long lost buddies, he promises himself that he will protect his sister. Now that he has her back, he cannot imagine not having her in his life.

When they get home, Zoe insists that Maddie see her toys and off they go, chatting. Buck makes Maddie fried eggs and juice and fixes some for Zoe, but with milk in her favorite pink plastic cup. Zoe again insists that auntie Maddie helps with her bath, and Buck looks at Maddie apologetically but she waves him off. Auntie Maddie is quickly replacing Chimney as her favorite. And then he shows Maddie to the extra room, grateful that their house has space, and leaves her to shower and unpack.

When Maddie comes out some minutes later, Buck decides to go first. He tells her everything, from Peru to finding Bobby to being here finally with Zoe. He doesn’t mention the awful phone call with their dad. She listens and cries for him, hugging him.

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there, but am grateful you found Bobby. He sounds like a good man.”

“He is. So what happened?”

And then she opens up about Doug, how he was sweet at first, showering her with attention and making her feel like the only girl in the world –Buck actually remembers when Doug would come home with flowers for Maddie in his flashy car, making her friends envious. How he started isolating her, even though it took her a while to notice that what she mistook for love was control. How the violence didn’t start until much later. How he increasingly became aggressive. And finally, how he threatened to kill her.

She confesses that the last postcard Buck sent her helped her finally decide to leave him. That she felt guilty she wasn’t a part of Zoe’s life and didn’t want to miss another milestone. She had been dreaming of meeting her niece since Buck mentioned her the first time when he was still in Saint Paul.

They are both crying by the time she finishes, and that is how Bobby finds them.

“Hey, how was your date?” Buck asks and thankfully, bobby ignores their undoubtedly red eyes and settles on the loveseat.

“Date?” Maddie asks, curiously.

“Yeah, Pops here had a big date with a police sergeant!”

“It was good, Buck. Maddie, I hope Buck has been a good host?”

“I’ll give him fifty percent,” she teases. “Zoe, on the other hand…”

“Ha-ha. I hope you feel welcome here, for as long as you want. Buck told me about you, and I am glad to meet the woman who raised him.”

“And I am so happy to meet the man who raised him these last few years. Thank you.”

“Hey, he saved me too, I don’t know if he told you.”

Maddie looks at him curiously. He will tell her –Bobby has all but given his permission.

“We saved each other.”

“And Maddie. Sorry if I’m overstepping, but Buck told me a little about your husband. I hope you know, you have all of us now. The woman I was on a date with? Athena…she is a sergeant. Whatever you need, we’re all here for you.” Buck nods in agreement.

“Thank you.” Maddie tears up again, and Buck will be glad to hug her as many times as they need.

They say their goodnights soon after –they are all exhausted from the day. As he kisses Zoe goodnight, Buck feels lighter than he has felt in ages. His daughter, dad, and sister are all in the same room.

What more could he want?

Eddie Diaz, apparently. Because when they get to shift two days later, Bobby introduces them to the most beautiful man he has ever met. And for the first time since Zoe came into his life, Buck feels a rush of desire spread through him and he wants things he hasn’t allowed himself to want in a long time.

Unfortunately, Eddie is kind of an asshole.

*

It starts like this.

One month ago, Maddie showed up at the station, beaten but not broken. A survivor. She showed up and Buck’s world felt whole. It has been some of his happiest four weeks, having Maddie in his life again. He has been so happy he even started considering signing up for the hot fire fighter calendar. He feels like for the first time since Zoe came barreling into his life, he is doing something just for himself by getting into shape and checking his fat. Though Maddie teases him that having an app that measures the fat percentage is a little too much.

Buck disagrees. He hasn’t felt this good about himself since the whole Dr. Wells mess. If a part of him feels more secure with the extra muscles he has …well, that’s his business. Last he checked, the therapist was arrested and is currently serving time, her number of victims willing to testify having risen to six. Buck just wants to put the whole thing behind him, and the stupid sexist calendar, as Hen likes to remind them, is a very good distraction.

He likes that he can hold his daughter for hours without feeling the weight. He likes that with his now much larger arms, he can hide her tiny body in his chest when he wraps his arms around her. He likes how she enjoys bouncing up and down on his stomach as if he is incapable of feeling pain.

Maddie has been settling in okay. She still flinches sometimes whenever someone touches her by accident and keeps checking all the rooms at night to ensure no one can enter, but she is gradually coming out of her shell. It has been nice, having her around the house and Zoe.

That first week, Maddie was happy to stay with Zoe while Buck and Bobby worked. She said that for the first time in many years, she had room just to breathe and think, without the fear of disappointing her ungrateful husband. She absolutely loved staying with Zoe, and the feeling was absolutely mutual. Zoe loved her auntie Maddie, and especially enjoyed playing with her hair and doing princess stuff that she couldn’t do with her dad and Bobby.

It took a few weeks, but the tension between Maddie and Bobby eventually faded and they all get along just fine. At first, Maddie could not reconcile her guilt for not being there for Buck when Bobby was, and her gratefulness for Bobby for saving him when she couldn’t. Thankfully, Bobby had been all too understanding as she sort out her conflicting emotions, and in the end, the two connected in their mutual love for him.

They are all a family. Buck has a special and different relationship with each one of them. Bobby is his dad and Maddie his sister, and he loves and values both of them. Buck used to think that he would fade out of the world without anyone noticing. But now he has at least three people who loves him and would miss him if he was gone. He didn’t use to have that.

Maddie took the third room and made it hers the past month, although Buck is sad that she has been talking about moving to her own place. He understands perfectly why she needs to, but it doesn’t mean that he has to like it.

On the second week, Maddie was finally ready to step out of the house and “face the world,” as she said. She didn’t want to go back to nursing, and so Bobby suggested dispatch.

She started the on-the-job training yesterday, and Buck knows that she will thrive. He loves the far she has come and that she is putting her past behind more and more each day.

The biggest hurdle had been managing Zoe’s tantrum at the thought of Maddie not spending each day with her like she had gotten used to. This morning, she had cried and cried and actually biten his hand when he tried to gently remind her that Maddie wasn’t going for good. Zoe is usually a calm and happy kid but when she gets mad, she turns into a little monster.

They finally calmed her down by promising her a visit to the station and a ride in the trucks soon. Buck is dreading the day Maddie finally moves out –he knows her tantrum will be much worse.

He doesn’t want to think too much about Bobby’s advancing relationship with Athena and how inevitably, it will come a day when he also moves out and possibly moves in with her. He is happy for Bobby, of course, especially since he had never seen him this happy since they met but Buck was afraid of change. Thankfully, he is secure enough in their relationship to know that whatever happens, Bobby will always be his dad and Zoe’s grandpa.

So this morning, Zoe is safely at daycare, Maddie to her second day at the dispatch center, and Bobby is riding the high of his date with Athena last night.

*

Buck rolls to the station with a bounce in his step, showing off his DAX scan. The team is teasing him and Buck is about to remove himself from the conversation after Bobby calls himself “sexy” and just…no. He does not want to think of Bobby as sexy, ever. But then,

“Okay, that is a beautiful man,” Chimney says suddenly.

“Where is the lie? And I like girls,” Hen agrees. Buck turns to see what has stolen their attention and does a double take. Through the see-through glass, the most beautiful man Buck has ever seen is slowly pulling up a t-shirt, as if on slow motion.  And these last few years, Buck has been focused on being a dad and everything else that he hasn’t desired anyone in a long time. But looking at this hot man, who looks to be his age, Buck feels all his blood rush south. Holy shit.

“Who the hell is that?” Buck finds himself asking.

Bobby looks at him knowingly before he answers. “That’s Eddie Diaz, new recruit. Graduated at the top of his class just this week. The guys at station 6 were dying to have him but I convinced him to join us.”

Hot and smart. Impressive.

“What do we need him for?” They laugh at him. It’s a valid question!

Apparently Eddie served multiple tours in Afghanistan and has a Silver Star because of course he does. Buck is left staring at Eddie even as he follows Bobby and Chim and Hen to get properly introduced to Eddie Diaz. The guy has finished dressing and Buck wonders if he ever looks that good in uniform. He starts imagining how Eddie would feel pressed against him as he kisses a wet trail down his body and Buck doesn’t realize he has zoned out and is staring until,

“And this is Evan Buckley, or Buck as we call him.” Bobby introduces. Buck is still staring at Eddie and instead of the “nice to meet you” he expects from the guy, Eddie sounds annoyed as he asks him,

“Do I have something in my teeth?”  Because apparently Buck was staring too much.

But did Eddie have to be an asshole about it? Jeez.

Of course, that’s when the alarm disturbs the peace and they are off. So Eddie may be hot and has an impressive record, but he has no manners. And then Hen asks Eddie if he is competing in the hot firefighter calendar and Buck glares at her. Why would she put the idea in his head, of course the guy would win. And Eddie goes on to one-up him in a couple of calls, leaving Buck looking and feeling like an idiot. Bobby is starting to notice his foul mood and annoyance with Eddie and Buck knows he will be in trouble later.

Later comes quick and Bobby calls him immediately they are on the way back from yet another call where Eddie had the better idea and Buck ended up looking stupid. Everyone else has left for the day and it is just the two of them left.

“Okay, before you yell at me, this was all your fault.” Buck starts the moment he is inside the office. His statement must have left Bobby speechless because he closes and opens his mouth in stunned silence.

“Okay, how exactly is you not making nice with Eddie my fault?”

“You must have noticed how perfect he was when you hired him! Plus he’s so hot, I can barely concentrate, and I keep making a fool of myself whenever I’m around him!”

Buck is confused when Bobby only smiles at him. (He doesn’t know this, but the reason for Bobby’s amusement and joy at this whole situation is that for the first time since Dr. Wells, Buck seems to be genuinely attracted to someone. He once told Bobby that the thought of sex made him feel gross and Bobby didn’t admit it to the kid, but he has been worried. But Bobby noticed how alive Buck came when he saw Eddie for the for the first time. He’s glad that Eddie seems to ignite a fire inside Buck. He has a feeling that Eddie is just what his son needs).

“Okay why are you smiling?” Buck asks Bobby.

“I need you to make nice with Eddie, Buck. You’re on the same team, you know that.”

“So you’re not mad at me?”

Bobby sighs. “No, but I will if you keep this up.” Bobby says, but there is a hint of something amused in his tone.

“Fine. Are you going to Athena’s today?” Bobby has been staying over there more and more, and Buck is happy for him. He is. It’s just…some small part of him is worried about everything changing.

“No, today I’m all yours and Zoe’s. Though speaking of, I was thinking of inviting Athena over with Harry and May? Maybe officially introduce everyone?” Bobby asks, and he actually sounds nervous. And Buck realizes that maybe he is not the only one afraid of things changing.

He smiles. “Of course! I’d love to meet Harry and May again.”

Bobby grins. “Good, this weekend?”

“I can’t wait.”

Maddie has a thing with her new dispatch friends and will be over late today, so it’s just Buck, Bobby and Zoe tonight like the old times. They practice a new recipe and Zoe joins them, making a mess of the kitchen and covering herself in flour. It’s a nice evening, and Buck doesn’t think of Eddie much.

He does make an appearance in his dreams, though. Dream Eddie whispers filthy things in his ears and kisses Buck as if his life depends on it. Buck wakes up painfully hard and cursing Eddie Diaz for making his life more complicated.

The next time he works with Eddie, Bucks admits to himself that he might have been behaving a little like a brat. Eddie is pretty cool, calm under pressure as they work seamlessly to remove a grenade from a guy’s leg.

“You’re a badass under pressure brother,” Eddie tells him once they are out of the ambulance. Buck is so excited to receive a compliment from Eddie that he ignores the “brother” comment for now, because ew. He wants to do very non-brotherly things to the guy.

“Me?”

“Yeah. You can have my back any day.” Buck wants to melt into a puddle.

“Or, you know, you could have mine.” He is aware that he's wearing a stupid smile but can you blame him?

Later, he joins Eddie and Bobbie at a restaurant nearby and Buck thinks he could get used to this. Now that he is not actively being an idiot about  Eddie, he notices how cool he really is. Bobby leaves them to go meet with Athena, and he promises he will see him at home later.

“Wait, you live with Bobby?” Eddie asks, looking surprised.

“Ah-yeah. He’s kind of my dad?” Buck phrases it as a question, feeling himself blush. He always flushes whenever he introduces Bobby as his dad. Maybe it’s because he feels like for the first time in years, he has a parent he can proudly introduce to people.

“Wow, that’s cool.” Conversation between them flows comfortably, and they talk as if they have known each other for years. Eddie tells him about being new to L.A. and how he hopes it can be a new start for him. Buck confesses that he hasn’t been here long, and tells him about reconnecting with Maddie. He doesn’t mention Zoe, and he thinks that Eddie is leaving some things about himself out, but he has a feeling that they’ll share more with time. Eddie listens attentively when Buck gets lost in his thoughts and starts rambling, and doesn’t look at him as if he wants him to shut up.

He still wants to jump Eddie’s bones, but those feelings are contained, overshadowed by the desire to know everything about him. Buck has never felt like this before. Even when he thought he wanted to be friends with Abby, it didn’t feel this... Overpowering. Like something inside him has come alive and cannot be put back.

As they part ways at the end of the shift, Buck admits that he was wrong. Eddie is not an asshole.

He is too excited at the advancing friendship with Eddie that he is not even mad when he doesn’t win the stupid calendar, but he is happy for Chimney –the guy deserves it, especially after bouncing back from his accident.

They are congratulating Chimney when Athena strides in confidently and…kisses Bobby in front of everyone, and wow. Bobby had been afraid that Athena wasn’t serious about him since she hadn’t wanted to be seen together in public, but those fears are apparently assuaged. Good for them. And of course Hen and Chim had a bet about it. Buck wasn’t involved because according to Hen, he would know before anyone what Bobby has been up to recently.

After the end of the shift, Eddie smiles at him as they part ways and Buck’s stomach flutters. He drives home with Bobby and doesn’t have to pick Zoe from daycare because Maddie already did.

They have just finished dinner and Zoe is seated on Buck’s lap, refusing to go to sleep and just making noise. Maddie is telling them about her first two days at her new job and she and Bobby are dominating the conversation because Buck cannot stop thinking about Eddie.

“Earth to Buck?” He looks up to see Bobby and Maddie staring at him in concern.

“Uh-sorry,” when they won’t stop staring at him, he just blurts out,

“I think I have a crush on Eddie.”

"Oh?" Maddie coos excitedly. "Who is this Eddie? Do tell!" Bobby just smiles.

"Okay he's the new probie, I thought he was an asshole at first but he's pretty cool. And hot. Right, Pops?"

Bobby splutters. "Ah, well. I..."

Maddie lightly punches him on the arm. "Evan! You can't ask Bobby if he thinks your new crush is hot!" But she's grinning at Bobby. Bobby heaves a sigh of relief.

"Oh. Well, he is very beautiful. And smart. And he has a silver star. And I talked his ear off about Papua New Guinea, a country that has 840 languages! Can you imagine the linguistic diversity? And Eddie listened and even asked questions! He's the best listener and -" He trails off when he notices Bobby and Maddie sharing an amused look.

"Awww... baby's first crush." Maddie ruffles his hair. Zoe starts singing some tune as Buck shakes her with his legs. She's completely in another world.

"But I don't just want to sleep with him. I want...more." Buck confesses. "That's crazy, right? I haven't known the guy for two days?"

Bobby and Maddie do the whole talking about him silently with a single glance again.

"While I'm glad to see that you're getting along with Eddie, maybe it would be wise to try being friends first?" Bobby suggests.

"Yeah, if you're serious about him, you should get to know him first." Says Maddie.

"What about the whole crush thing? Should I ignore that?"

"Maybe, for now. You don't know him yet."

Buck nods. "I don't want a repeat of the whole Abby situation." Buck admits. He had filled Maddie in on the whole thing, and like Bobby, she was glad Abby was no longer in his life (She doesn’t know about Dr. Wells and Buck has no plans to tell her).

"Well, it's a good thing Eddie doesn't want to have sex with you." Maddie says.

"Hey, no need to be rude." Buck pouts.

"Rude!" Zoe repeats, clapping her hands innocently. Buck loves her so much.

"See? Zoe agrees."

"Buck, I think what Maddie is saying is that, if you really like Eddie, maybe get to know him first, okay? Don't rush in. I have a feeling you two will be good for each other. " Buck wants to argue some more, but he knows they're right. Today with Charlie and the bomb proved that.

Friends. He can do that. He thinks.

Chapter Text

Buck has decided to take Maddie and Bobby’s advice to be friends with Eddie, and has been ignoring the feelings buzzing under his skin whenever he is around the other guy. And it has been going great. So far.

But a few shifts later, he realizes that Eddie is even cooler than he ever thought was possible. Because not only is Eddie calm under pressure and a great partner in the field, he is also a dad. And not just a dad –a single dad, like Buck. Honestly, how is Buck supposed to keep calm? It is like the universe crafted Eddie just for him, dropped him on his lap, and said, “Here is your perfect match! Do the rest.”

The point is that after a few shifts working with Eddie, Buck learns that if he thought Eddie was awesome before, he's 100 times more incredible.

*

A  7.1 earthquake hits L.A. and Buck almost starts hyperventilating when he thinks of Zoe being hurt. Is she scared? Is she crying for him? What if something fell on her tiny body?

But then Bobby finds him, also worried, and reminds him of all the research he had done when he was enrolling her to her current daycare. Research that had ended with a deep dive into L.A.’s disasters and how schools and similar institutions were some of the safest places to be, having been retrofitted a while back. It's enough to get him to calm down. Buck forces himself to push his worry at the back burner. Because everyone in the team has someone they are worried about, he’s not special. Hen worries for her wife and son. Bobby is worried about Zoe and Athena and her kids. Chim –actually, Buck doesn’t know if Chim has someone he worries about in L.A. Eddie…Eddie has family here, too, although Buck doesn’t know much either. He prays that Zoe is safe, takes a deep breath, and follows his team to the rig.

On the way to a collapsed high rise, Buck notices Eddie fiddling with his phone, wearing a frown.

"Everything alright?" He asks.

"There is no service. Texts won’t even go through.”

"Who are you trying to get a hold of?" He asks curiously. Please let it not be a wife. Please let it not be a wife. Please let him not say wife.

Eddie hesitates before seemingly deciding to share.

"My son. I'm trying to reach my son." Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. Oh my God.

"Woah you have a kid?" His heart won't stop drumming in his ribcage.

Eddie takes his phone and shows him a picture of the cutest kid. "Christopher. He's seven."

"And super adorable! I-uh, I love kids."

"I love this one. I'm all he's got. His mother is not in the picture." Eddie confesses. Eddie is a single dad, too? Is the universe messing with him? He spares a quick glance at Bobby, because holy fucking shit.

“I’m sure he's okay. I-uh, I'm worried about my daughter too. But they're both in the safest possible place." He decides to add.

At least his confession brings Eddie from his panic. "You-you have a kid?" Eddie is looking at him with wide eyes and a very stunned expression.

Buck smiles. "Yeah. Zoey, she's almost three." He shows Eddie a picture of Zoe taken a week ago. She's smiling adorably at the camera and holding Mr. Bear, her favorite toy.

"Oh wow. I didn't know you were a dad. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Why didn't you?” Buck throws the question back at him.

"Touche. Her mum?" Buck likes that Eddie genuinely seems interested in knowing. Maybe he also wants to know if Buck is single? He doubts that is the case, though.

"Not in the picture." He doesn’t say that he’s all Zoe has got because that is not exactly true. He might be a single dad, but he’s always had Bobby. He has never had to raise Zoe alone.

They don't talk more because they're already at the scene. But Buck feels that something has changed between him and Eddie from their shared honesty. As they work to save lives on the extremely difficult call, he can tell there's something more open and deeper between them. Maybe it's their mutual single fatherhood, he doesn't know. But his stupid crush aside, (which has magnified with the latest revelation), Buck feels like his heart has been carved open to make space for Eddie.

As they contrive their way through the building, Buck notices that Eddie still looks distracted. Honestly, he is agitated too, and is trying very hard not to think of Zoe being somewhere scared and wondering why her daddy is not coming to pick her up.

“After Northridge, FEMA spent $200 million retrofitting every school in the LAUSD. Ceiling tiles, lighting fixtures -Eddie, your kid is in the safest place he can be.” Maybe he is trying to convince himself too.

Eddie just nods, and Buck is glad to notice a sliver of hope in his eyes.

“I still can’t believe you have a kid. What-uh, what happened with her mum?” Eddie asks inquisitively as they make their way into the building.

“She never wanted kids so I have full custody. But I haven’t had to do it alone really because I’ve had Bobby all this time.” He adds. “What about you?”

“Shannon left to take care of her dying mother. Its-uh -it s a long story.”

“I’d still like to hear it, if you wanna share.”

“Let’s get out of this whole mess first.”

“Deal.”

After a very long day filled with too many close calls, all Buck wants is to go home and hug his daughter. The moment he gets cell service back, he calls Mrs. Lind from daycare who assures him that Zoe is perfectly okay. Buck releases a breath he was holding. He feels his body deflate like a balloon, only leaving exhaustion and relief in its wake. He sees Eddies grin at his phone and knows that the relief on his face is reflected on Buck’s own. Their kids are okay. He texts Mrs. Lind that he will be there to pick up Zoe soon and then messages Maddie. Buck is glad to hear that she is also okay.

“Buck?” Bobby rushes to him, looking frantic.

“I just got off the call with Mrs. Lind. Zoe is okay. Maddie, too.” He tells him, knowing that is what has Bobby worried.

“Oh thank God.” Bobby hugs him. “Go get her, I’ll finish up here and check on Athena. You good?”

“Yeah, I’m good. I love you.” Because they almost lost each other today and Buck is so grateful that they are still here.

“I love you kid. Go, I’ll see you later, okay?”

The drive to the station is quick and silent, but there is relief in everyone’s faces. Buck changes, takes the quickest shower, and is out and at his car within no time. But then he turns and finds Eddie fiddling with his phone and looking like he wants to yell in frustration.

“Eddie? You okay?”

“My car won’t start and the nearest Uber will be two hours. I need to pick up Christopher.”

He doesn’t even think about it. “Get in, I’ll drive you.”

“You sure?” Eddie asks, although his voice betrays his relief.

“Of course. As long as you don’t mind if we pick up Zoe first. Thankfully she is on the way to Chris’s school.”

“Yeah, man. Of course. Thank you.”

Buck drives and twenty minutes later, he putting the Jeep in park and practically runs from the car. He finds Zoe with Mrs. Lind, with about four other kids that are waiting to be picked up.

“Zoe!”

“Daddy!”  Buck wraps her in his arms, feeling whole for the first time today.  He thanks Mrs. Lind and walks with Zoe to the car, something in him settling as she tells him about the “shaking” today. He is so happy she is okay.

“I love you so much, Zoe.” He tells her as they reach the Jeep. Buck remembers that Eddie is waiting. He looks up to see Eddie watching them with a soft expression on his face.

“Hey Zoe, this is my friend, Eddie.” He introduces as he opens the backdoor and settles her in the car seat.

“Hello, it’s very nice to meet you Zoe,” Eddie tells her with the biggest smile on his face. Buck starts driving.

“Hi, Eddie.” Zoe waves at Eddie timidly. She’s becoming shyer the older she gets, and it takes her a minute to start rambling to new people.

“How old are you, Zoe?” Eddie asks, his body angled backwards so he can give her all his attention.

“I’m three! And I know allll the count’ies of Af’ica!” She brags and Buck laughs. He has been teaching her various countries and he’s sure she cannot name even three, but here she is.

“Oh, really? Can you name them?”

“Nooo!” She protests and Eddie laughs softly.

“Really?”

“Yes. Do you know to spell your name?” Oh my God. She just learned to spell hers in full, and thinks she is the only one who can do it.

And off she goes, asking Eddie all kinds of questions and Eddie answering patiently.  Eddie is really good with her, and Buck is glad to see Zoe seems to be just as taken with Eddie. While she is usually a chatterbox and can talk with any stranger, she zones out with people she doesn’t like much. But she is still regaling Eddie with stories and Eddie is very attentive to all of them.

And then they are arriving at Christopher’s school and it is Buck’s turn to watch from the car as Eddie runs out and picks Christopher up, hugging him tight and spinning him around. Awww, the sight is too adorable. He notices the crutches and guesses CP from the way Chris is walking, but the kid doesn’t let his smile drop. Eddie walks alongside him back to the car, and Buck can see the love for his son written loudly in every inch of his body.

When they reach the Jeep, Eddie helps Chris settle at the back next to Zoe, who is already looking at Chris with a curious expression.

“Chris. I just told you about Buck and his daughter.” Eddie says once Chris is all buckled up, and then goes turns around to the other side to get into the passenger sit.

“Hi Chris, I’m Buck,” Buck holds out his hand, which Chris takes in his small one.  “Your dad has told me nice things about you. And that is my daughter, Zoe.”

Chris smiles cheerfully and apparently decides to ignore Buck in favor of Zoe. “Hi, I’m Chris.”

“Hi!”

“Who is that?” Chris asks, pointing at Mr. Bear held protectively by Zoe in her lap.

“Mr. Bear! He can fly and he likes color pink! But he fell today when it wiggled and made loud noise!  It was shaking like brrrrrr.” She talks animatedly.

Buck shares a look with Eddie because -wow. His almost three year old daughter is describing a literal earthquake. Buck heaves a deep sigh, reminding himself that she is here and she is okay. He looks down when he feels Eddie’s hand touch is knee lightly in comfort. The simple touch is enough to bring him out of his racing mind.

“I’m sorry Mr. Bear fell. Our school shook too, because of the earthquake.”

“What’s an urf-cake?” Zoe asks Chris, giving him her whole attention. And oh wow, the sight is cute.

“It’s when the ground shakes like today.”

“I don’t like it.” Zoe concludes. Buck sees that Eddie is about to open his mouth to perhaps comfort her, but Chris beats him to it.

“That’s okay. My dad and your dad are firefighters and they will protect you.” Chris tells her seriously, and wow. Chris is just the most adorable. Buck shares another smile with Eddie as they listen to their kids talk.

“Daddy and granpa took me in the big fire truck!” Zoe sure does move on quick. She has graduated from calling Bobby “Gampa” to “Granpa.”

“Really? Daddy, can I ride in the fire truck?” Chris asks Eddie, who looks at Buck. Right, Eddie hasn’t been at the station that long.

“Of course we can! Can I tell you a secret?” Buck turns to Chris.

“Uh-huh.”

“My dad is the captain of our station. I will ask him to let you come and see and maybe ride in our trucks.”

“Really? Can I, dad?”

“Of course, if Bobby agrees to it.”

“And me!” Zoe yells, not one to be left behind.

“Yeah and you too, mija.” Eddie smiles at her.

“Am Zoe! not mi-ha.” Zoe protests, scowling at Eddie.

“Sorry, Zoe.” Eddie laughs and Buck joins him.

“Thank you, Buck.” Chris tells him.

The rest of the drive is filled with the kids’ chatter as Eddie and Buck listen amusedly. Chris is really good with Zoe, and seems excited and not annoyed to answer all her questions, even the annoying ones. Because three-year-olds (she turns three next week) can be irritating sometimes. Like yesterday, when Bobby was on a serious call with the fire chief and Zoe decided that was the perfect time to yell in his ear and demand his phone. Thankfully, the chief found the whole thing amusing (especially when Zoe snatched the phone and yelled at him).

Soon enough, he is pulling up at the Diaz home. Zoe has fallen asleep in her seat, and Chris is not far behind. It has been a long day for everyone. He opens the door for Eddie as he carries a sleepy Chris to the house. Buck helps carry the crutches. When they get to the door, Eddie turns to him,

“Thank you for today, Buck. It was really nice, meeting Zoe. She’s a treasure.”

“Same goes to you and Chris, man. Maybe we can all meet again sometime soon?” He hopes he is not moving too fast with this whole friendship thing, but Eddie is nodding before he even finishes asking.

“Absolutely! Besides, they might be best friends already.”

“Haha true. I better take her home.” Buck says but doesn’t make move to leave. Eddie is also just standing there, looking at him with a soft smile.

“Uh-I better…” he motions to the sleeping child in his arms.

“Right! Bye.”

“Bye Buck. Text me when you get home, okay?”

“Will do.”

As Buck drives home, he is sure he is wearing a goofy smile despite the exhaustion. He has a feeling that he and Eddie will be great friends. Wow. His first real friend. He cannot wait to tell Bobby and Maddie all about it.

*

Eddie is starting to think that joining the 118 is the best decision he has made in a long time. He cannot believe he almost went to another station. There are many great things about the 118, and one of them is the camaraderie that he has been looking for since he left the army. And nothing really compares to the 118, especially because no one is actively shooting at you. The calls are crazy and somewhat fun too, except for that whole earthquake disaster. He knew L.A. was prone to danger but an earthquake on his first week? Damn.

One of the best things about the 118 however, is Buck. Aside from that whole domineering bullshit and marking-his-territory that Buck had going on during his first shift, the guy is really cool. And is also a dad, so he understands Eddie on a deeper level. Buck is also fun and goofy and has his head full of amazing fun facts. Oh, and Chris keeps asking him when he can see Buck and Zoe again. Chris hasn’t stopped talking about Zoe since that that day and has been talking about all the things he would like to teach her (Eddie is a little concerned that Chris doesn’t understand Zoe is a whole person, and not a doll). It’s nice, seeing his son settling in okay.

Now if Eddie can sort this whole babysitting situation he has going on. Due to his CP, Chris has many needs that Eddie cannot afford on his current probationary salary. He knows there are many benefits he can apply for, but thinking about where to start is giving him a headache. The public school that he has Chris enrolled in is not the most accommodating and Eddie knows he needs to look for better schooling for him. He also needs to figure out where to be leaving Chris when he is working because he cannot keep relying on his abuela and Tia Pepa. Oh, and he is finally in the same city as Shannon, and he doesn’t know whether to contact her.

They are coming back from a call full of drunken girls, where a girl was dared to put her head in a tail pipe and everyone is flirting with them. For some reason, Eddie is walking side by side with Buck, bumping their shoulders together and being in each other’s space and it’s…nice. Buck is his friend.

“So is your son really the reason you don’t date?” Asks Buck.

“That, and…they weren’t my type.”

“So what is your type?” He has to think about the question. What is his type? He doesn’t even know anymore. He wants to describe Shannon, but –that doesn’t feel right.

“I don’t know yet.” He answers honestly. “What’s yours?”

Buck looks at him with an expression he cannot describe. Like he is flirting with him, but that is crazy. Eddie feels himself flush for some reason.

“Cute men,” is Buck’s answer, and oh.

“I-uh, didn’t realize you were…”

“Bi. But I prefer not to date women for now. Maybe when Zoe is older.”

“Oh.” He doesn’t know what else to say. He feels like this is a momentous revelation that changes everything, but why?

“Uh…” Eddie rubs the back of his head nervously, “Good for you, man. I –”

He doesn’t know what more he was about to say because his phone rings and Pepa is telling him that abuela broke her hip and Chris is in the hospital. Shit. Buck offers to drive him and Eddie is so grateful for him. Pepa berates him for leaving Chris with abuela but he doesn’t know what else to do. But for now, he needs a place to take Chris. And then Buck suggests taking him to the station and Eddie really has no alternatives.

“Hey, you’re sure?”

“Bobby won’t mind. Trust me, he understands.” Buck assures him. And right, he keeps forgetting that Buck and Bobby are actually father and son. Bobby is the nicest man he has ever met in a long time, and he thinks that Buck is very lucky to have such a loving dad. He thinks about his own dad, and nope. He doesn’t want to think about his parents, not now. Especially if they knew how much he has been struggling with Christopher. Eddie can already imagine the “I told you so” from both his parents.

Bobby is more than cool with it. He is so understanding that Eddie wants to cry in relief. The rest of the 118 and Buck treat Christopher like he has been here all along. They dote on him, let him ride on the trucks, and play games with him. He and Buck even help Christopher drop down the pole. Christopher has the best time because of the 118 and Eddie will be forever grateful for finding himself with the best team. He learns that Buck talked to Bobby on his behalf and Eddie doesn’t know what he did to deserve his kindness.

When Pepa picks him up at the end of the day, Eddie finds himself hugging Bobby in relief. He wants to hug Buck too, but for some reason, the thought makes him feel strange.

The next day, on their day off, Buck asks him to come help his sister move. But when he gets to the address in Pasadena, Eddie realizes that the house is actually Buck’s and Bobby’s. It’s a comfy spacious house that looks and feels homey.

“Is Zoe here?” He asks, wanting to see the bubbly kid again. He actually misses her and her weird questions.

“Uh-no. She is actually out on a date.” Buck smirks and Eddie frowns.

“What do you mean date?”

“Haha she, uh. Athena came to pick Bobby up for their date and Zoe threw a tantrum. Especially because he slept at Athena’s last night and she kept asking for her grandpa. Anyway, she refused to let him go, and Athena suggested they take her.”

Eddie laughs. “So she is crashing on Bobby’s date? Aww that’s cute. Anyway, I thought we were helping your sister move?”

“I lied about the whole moving thing.” Eddie is officially confused.

“What’s going on Buck?”

Buck just smiles. “I asked you here because there is someone I want you to meet.”

“You didn’t set me up, did you?” Because he is so not ready for…that.

“Trust me, this woman is exactly what you need.” 

Eddie is starting to regret the whole friends thing with Buck but then Buck introduces him to Carla. She is actually the best healthcare aid, and Buck apparently met her through Abby, a 911 dispatcher, one time when her mother had been missing.

Buck goes to his room to give them some privacy and by the time he finishes talking with Carla, Eddie wants to sob in relief. Carla wasn’t kidding. She is actually red-tape’s worst nightmare. She agrees to take on Christopher, providing him reliable and consistent healthcare, promises to help him access different CP support and resources, and more accessible private schooling for his son.

When she leaves, Eddie hugs Buck hard, feeling speechless. He doesn’t know what he would have done without him. Buck is a godsend, and Eddie cannot ever begin to repay him.

“Thank you so much, Buck,” His voice comes out chocked.

“Hey, what are friends for?” Eddie is sure this is beyond the scope of friendship.

“Still, thank you.”

“You can repay me by actually helping my sister move?”

“Done.” As if it comes close to what Buck did for him today.

They decide to watch a movie as they wait for Chimney, who is coming later so that they can help Maddie move. But Eddie cannot remember what the movie is about because Buck spends the whole time lamenting about Maddie moving.

“I Just…I know she is moving only thirty minutes away, but I feel like she is leaving again.” Buck had told him about not hearing from Maddie for three years and about her abusive asshole of a husband.

“You know she needs to do this.”

“Yeah I know. I guess I just got used to having her and Bobby and Zoe under the same roof.” And while that sounds nice,

“I can’t imagine living with my dad and sisters.” Eddie admits.

“Well, I can’t imagine living with my parents either.” Eddie looks at Buck quizzically.

“Uh…”

“Right. Well, Bobby is not my biological dad. He just feels like one. We actually met a little over three years ago in Saint Paul. We were both drowning, and we helped each other to the shore. He has been with me every step of the way, and I don’t think I would have managed to raise Zoe on my own. So while he’s not my dad, he is my dad.” Oh. He didn’t know that, actually. It kind of makes sense, how Buck sometimes calls Bobby by his name.

“He’s your dad. The way he looks at you and talks about Zoe, there is no doubt about it.”

“Thanks. My birth parents on the other hand…no. I don’t want to think about them.” Eddie kinds of understands, though he is curious about the story there.

“Anyway, what time is Chimney getting here?”

“He should be arriving in around two hours. Maddie is already at the new house.

The settle on the couch and decide on Risky Business. Hanging out with Buck like this is nice. Just the two of them, no kids. He has never had a friend like this before, and it turns out that he has been missing out on the joys of male friendship. Eddie cannot remember the last time he sat down to watch a movie with someone, unburdened by family expectations. It never felt like this with Shannon, even when they were on good terms. There was always some underlying expectations to perform. Maybe it’s because he and Buck are both single fathers and work the same job?

A knock sounds on the door an hour later and Buck goes to open it, and comes back to the living room with Chimney in tow.

“Where is Zozo?” Is Chimney’s first question.

“On a date.” Buck and Eddie say together, leaving Chimney looking very confused.

“We’ll fill you in. Let’s start parking, Maddie is waiting.”

Eddie is bemused when Chimney flushes, before fixing his hair. “Uh-Maddie will be there?” He asks, his voice carrying a weird tinge.

“Of course,” Buck says distractedly. “Let’s get moving before Zoe comes back with Bobby and realizes that her auntie Maddie is actually leaving this soon.”

Chimney grins, and oh. Someone has a crush on Buck’s sister. Eddie is looking forward to meeting this infamous Maddie.

Meeting Buck’s sister is a fun experience. For some reason, Eddie has been nervous about making a good impression on her. But then she looks at him with a strange glint in her eye when he introduces himself, turning to Buck with a knowing look. He wonders what that look is for. It’s fun watching Chimney flush in Maddie’s presence, spluttering when she addresses him. Oh, he is so gone for her. Eddie thinks the crush is reciprocated, if the way Maddie keeps asking Chimney questions is anything to go by.

As they eat pizza, they somewhat break into twos: Maddie and Chimney talking about pop culture references that Maddie apparently doesn’t know, and Eddie and Buck discuss taking Zoe and Chris to the Zoo. Overall, it’s a good fulfilling evening that makes Eddie feel more secure in his position with Buck and the 118. It’s nice to feel included and wanted.

*

The next weekend, Eddie and Chris are among the first to arrive at the Buck-Nash household for Zoe’s third birthday. Her birthday was three days ago, but this Saturday is the perfect day for the party because everyone’s schedules align. Chris has been excited to see Zoe again since the first time they met and when Eddie told him they have been invited to her birthday, he insisted they go to the store and buy her presents. Of course Eddie wasn’t going to go empty handed but he’s not arguing with a seven-year old.

The moment they enter the house, Buck immediately hugs Chris and spins him, making Chris laugh. He has no time to admire the sight because,

“Eddie! It’s my birfday!” He turns to see Zoey rushing toward him, Bobby chasing after her with a pink attire in his hands. Because Zoe is naked from the waist up. She must have been getting dressed, heard visitors, and took off running. Eddie laughs at the sight.

“Happy birthday!” Eddie smiles at her. The stove pings from the kitchen and Bobby smiles at him and throws the garment –a cute top –at Eddie, apparently giving up the chase.

“She’s all yours,” Bobby tells him and heads to the kitchen.

“Chris!” Zoe is running toward Chris next, and Eddie guesses it is his turn to get some clothes on her.

“Sorry for all this mess, we’re so behind schedule. You’re good here, right?” Buck gestures to Zoe and Chris. “I need to finish setting everything up.”

“Yeah, yeah go. We’re all good.” He tells him. He is now glad that he decided to come early to help with the whole party planning.

He eventually convinces Zoe to put on clothes, but then she demands he styles her hair in pigtails. Thankfully, Eddie has training from taking care of his sisters when they were younger. As he deals with Zoey, listening attentively as she tells him all the things she wants for her birthday, Chris goes to help Buck set up the balloons in the living room. They all work seamlessly: Bobby in the kitchen, Buck and Chris on party arrangement, and Eddie on Zoe duty, ensuring she doesn’t open the gifts before it’s time.

Athena is the next to arrive, with May, Harry, and Michael, her ex-husband. Edie is surprised to find that they are very close with each other, despite being divorced. Next are Maddie and Chim. Eddie notices that Buck eyes them weirdly for arriving together. And last are Hen and Karen and their kid, Denny. This is Eddie’s first time meeting everyone at once and he loves that he is now a part of this assorted team.

It’s a very nice evening and Zoe enjoys being the center of attention as she opens gifts from everyone.  She mostly receives toys but she won’t put down the blue dinosaur from Chris because apparently she thinks Chris is the coolest. The kids stuff themselves in excessive cake and snacks and when it is time to sing happy birthday, May rubs cake cream on the faces of  Zoe, Harry, Chris and Denny. They end up looking like cartoons.

Later, the kids are all in the now guest room that used to be Maddie’s room under May’s watchful eye and the adults split into small groups as they help clean up the mess. Bobby with Athena and Michael, Hen and Chim, Karen and Maddie, and Eddie and Buck.

He doesn’t want to analyze the fact that he and Buck have somehow become a team too much.

And the fact that Eddie doesn’t leave when everyone else is leaving. To be fair, Athena also doesn’t leave –May and Harry go with Michael and Athena spends the night with Bobby in his room. But then Chris takes the guest room and Zoe is somehow jealous of that fact for some reason, so they push her bed into the room.

“I can’t believe that she’s also leaving me now that she’s turned three.” Buck complains, watching Zoe sleep on her bed, Chris already snoring in the larger bed. Eddie wants to laugh because he actually sounds sad but stops himself. They are the only two still awake, comfortably drinking coffees on the couch. Buck admitted that he never keeps beer in the house because of Bobby.

“I’m sure she’ll be back tomorrow once she realizes that her new best friend is not here to stay.”

“You think? When did Chris start sleeping alone?”

“Ah-I wasn’t there.” He admits, feeling a flake of guilt for all those years he missed with his son when he was enlisted.

“How come?” Buck asks him, and Eddie is starting to think that he cannot really hide anything from Buck, especially when he looks at him with those blue eyes, honest and trusting. His whole life story comes pouring out of him, and Eddie realizes that this is the first time he has willingly shared about himself with someone. It feels really good. Buck doesn’t judge, just listens attentively and looking like he understands the trauma Eddie keeps buried deep inside. Eddie even admits he has been thinking of contacting Shannon again.

“Would you take her back?” Buck asks with an expression Eddie cannot read. Is it him, or does Buck look sad?

“I-uh…I don’t know.” Eddie says and Buck’s expression drops before he masks it. But Eddie saw, he is sure of it. He remembers that Buck admitted to liking men, and surely Buck can’t like him like that, right?

What is more confusing, however, is that the thought of Buck liking him makes him feel flattered instead of repulsed.  Is it because Buck would be exactly his type, if he was a woman? Hot, single, and with a kid, like him?

Also, why the fuck would his brain think of Buck as “hot?”

“Uh…I’m tired, maybe we should sleep?” There is sudden tension between them, the air feeling awkward somehow. Buck is also avoiding his eyes.

“Yeah,” and Eddie looks at the couch.

“Hey, you’re not taking the couch. We’ll share the bed. It’s big enough for the both of us.” There is still some tension buzzing between them, but Buck sounds earnest.

And it makes sense to take the bed (It does!) And long after Buck has gone to sleep beside him, Eddie’s mind races and races, images of Buck and Shannon overlapping in his mind. He thinks of Buck’s question, “would you take her back?” and feels guilty for wishing she never comes back.  

Chapter Text

Bobby never thought he would ever fall in love again.

He cannot believe that he is at this point in life, in love with the most incredible woman. But Athena is a force to be reckoned with –she came into his life like one giant wave and pushed and pushed, not heeding to the way Bobby was trying to stay upright. Where Buck and Zoe are his lifeline, reminding him everyday what he has to live for and what he would lose if he ever left them, Athena makes living actually worthwhile. Buck is his son and Zoe is his incredible grand-kid and he knows they are his. Bobby will always walk with them and protect them from anything that may come (he cannot wait for the day he meets Buck’s awful parents and gives them a piece of his mind) but Athena reminds him that he does not have to do it alone.

Buck and Zoe are his to protect, but Athena has been walking alongside him, with him. Of course he fell in love with her.

But still, despite how happy he has been these last few months, old wounds have a tendency to creep back in when you least expect. Today would have been Brooke’s thirteenth birthday. Father Brian is the only person he has told. Safe to say that Bobby is feeling a little bit down today. So he is not impressed when Taylor Kelly, the reporter they rescued from a plane crash, decides to do a piece on his station. He doesn’t want to talk to any reporters, especially not today, when the last image he saw of his daughter is still edged in his mind.

In the evening, he makes an enemy of Zoe again when he leaves for a date with Athena. He and Athena have been becoming more serious and Bobby knows that this is it. It’s just a little difficult to explain the whole relationship thing to a three-year-old. She doesn’t cry this time, but she threatens to never speak to him again if he doesn’t come back. His granddaughter’s histrionics are a balm to his heavy heart and Bobby loves this Brooke as much as he loved the one she is named after.

It’s nice, hanging out with Athena and complaining about the nosy Taylor Kelly. But then he learns that it is almost May’s homecoming and Bobby’s chest tightens again. She’s trying on dresses and she does look beautiful, but he cannot stop thinking about Brooke: what kind of dress would she wear for her homecoming? Would she have a date? Would she ask Bobby to tie her zip? He cannot stop thinking about all the milestones he is missing.

He feels bad for cutting the evening short, but not too bad when he arrives back at the house and Zoe screams in joy at seeing him. Buck looks at him worriedly but Bobby pretends to not notice, allowing Zoe to drag him to “her room” to show him for the hundredth time that she can spell her name. And seeing the words, “Zoey Brok” written on paper in her messy handwriting actually makes him smile. His daughter still lives on, somehow.

He’s annoyed the next day on shift because of course Taylor is still here. He is also a little irritated with Buck because he seems kind of fascinated with her –apparently she is famous and Buck knew her? He kinda wants to remind Buck that he still has a big crush on Eddie, that maybe he should focus on that. But that would be unprofessional. So he is a little short with Taylor, particularly when it seems she is set on knowing his story. Not today, Satan.

But then the day gets worse because of course it does. Bobby has been three years sober but all that effort is wasted because someone decided to dose them.

He just…he remembers how hard he struggled, the late nights with Buck after he almost slipped after the plane crash, the way it felt to receive his three year-chip –Buck had actually baked him a cake better than that first one that he had bought from the store in St Paul. He remembers holding Zoe when she was born and promising himself that for her and her dad, he would quit alcohol. And now all that effort has been swept by the wind. In just one day. He feels himself trembling, silent tears rolling down his cheeks. Bobby wants to scream. Especially because he actually thought he saw Brooke today when he was riding the high of the LSD.

Athena managed to save him from himself but Bobby is lost for words. He later learns from her that Buck, Eddie, and Hen were also drugged. Thankfully, Maddie came to take Buck and Eddie to their house to recover and care for Zoe, Chim took Hen, while Bobby wakes up at Athena’s. Sobs wreck him and she holds him close as he cries for Brooke and for what was taken from him today.

This is the first time he has allowed himself to fall apart like this since his family died. Buck is his kid, so this all this time, while Buck and Zoe have been his rock; he has been focused on taking care of them. It’s his job to hold Buck while he cries, like during that Dr. Wells mess, and Bobby has been happy to do it. But he’s always known he can’t let himself fall apart like that with Buck.

But with Athena, Bobby gives himself permission to let go. He just hates that getting high against his wish makes him want to get high again. He has a long road ahead of him. Athena just holds him as he confesses all this, not judging, just there for him.

And later, after they catch the culprit who dosed them, Athena and Michael are gracious enough to allow Bobby to join in the family picture. May even asks him for help with her bracelet. He will always miss his daughter and son, but he is somehow getting a chance to care for more kids. He has Buck and Zoe, and now May and Harry have been added to the pile. Maybe it’s not the worst day after all.

On Halloween, Bobby and Zoe join Athena, May, and Harry to curve pumpkins at their house. Zoe is fascinated by the whole process, although she keeps destroying the pumpkins much to Harry’s dismay. They also spend the evening debating whether Buck’s theory is true, that a ghost did call 9-1-1. Buck is joining Eddie for Halloween decorations –they have been spending more time together and Bobby thinks the much time he spends at Athena’s is the same as when Eddie and Chris are over at their house.

Bobby knows the living arrangements will have to change soon, but he is dreading having that talk with Buck. He is getting closer with May and Harry, and he was shocked to learn the other day that Buck and May started meeting for coffee at least once a week. When he asked Buck, he told him it was to “discuss the horrors of their parents dating.” Bobby had felt himself smiling from ear to ear.

*

He is having a quiet evening with Athena, at his and Buck’s house this time. Buck is out with Eddie and Zoey went to sleep a while ago. So he doesn’t expect to see Buck until later. And then the door clicks and he shares a baffled look with Athena.

When Buck enters, dragging his body like it is too heavy for him, his face is pale and eyes are red from crying. Bobby feels a lump enter his throat. He is up and standing in an instant, wondering what could have his kid like this.

“Buck? What’s wrong?” He checks him from head to toe, glad to see that he seems uninjured.

“It’s uh-Eddie. He... He is back with his wife.”

Oh, Buck. All Bobby can do is hug him. He is confused though, because he has been observing Eddie and Buck and was certain that Eddie felt the same way (Hen even caught him staring at a shirtless Buck, took a picture, and shared it with Bobby and Maddie. Not Chim, because he cannot keep a secret. Bobby had actually shown Athena the picture a while ago and they made a bet on when those two would get together). He didn’t even know Eddie was married.

Athena goes to excuse herself but Buck tells her to stay, and the three of them end up together on the living room, Bobby and Athena listening amusedly as Buck throws out ideas on how to “separate” Eddie and Shannon. Bobby knows the kid is mostly joking. He thinks.

“You know what you have to do, right?” Athena asks Buck later.

“Tell him to leave Shannon?” She gives him an unimpressed look. Bobby pinches his ear lightly.

“Ooow…What? It’s a good plan.”

“You don’t go and do anything stupid. Give Eddie time to figure out what he really wants.” Bobby nods in agreement. His partner is a very wise woman. And he loves that she and Buck have been getting along.

“Even if that is Shannon? She left him!”

“Yes.”

Buck pouts. “Okay, but…what if I ask Eddie to introduce me to Shannon, and when we meet, I ask Eddie to go get us coffee. And when he is away, I gently suggest to Shannon that she should move far, far, far away?” Jesus Christ. Can 25-year-olds be grounded?

Athena turns to him. “Didn’t you raise him properly?”

Bobby just sighs. “I’ll take him to church on Sunday so Father Brian can pray for him.”

“You guys stop looking at me like that. Easy for you say, you’re together and happy. The love of my life is currently having sex with his wife, and given that they made a kid they first time they did it, they could be making another perfect baby right now! Eddie has great stamina, have you seen that body? And –”

“Okay, boy. Off to bed.” Athena drags Buck off the couch and to his room, and Bobby wants to laugh but she is kind of scary like this. And hot.

“Goodnight, Buck.” Bobby tells him, but Buck only glares at him. Like a teenager. Bobby is so very fond of the kid.

“See what I have to deal with?” He asks Athena, though he knows his voice is full of affection.

“He grows on you.” She laughs, shaking her head and her gaze to Buck’s door where he disappeared into.

“Uh-huh. Now imagine Buck and Zoe’s tantrums at once.” Like that time Zoe was screaming because she couldn’t find one of her dolls and Buck was frustrated because she always blamed him, not Bobby, whenever she lost something, and Buck was suggesting they go to the shop in the middle of a rainy night to buy a new one. It had been a long night, trying to reason with Buck and comfort Zoe and for a moment Bobby couldn’t tell who was the three-year old between them.

“Sounds like a good challenge.” Athena says meaningfully. The look on her face says that she will take Bobby however he is, even if he comes with a 25-year-old kid and a three-year-old grandkid plus loads of baggage. Bobby just has to lean in and kiss her senselessly.

It seems like while his relationship with Athena has been blossoming, Buck has been under a rut. Bobby doesn’t really know how to cheer him up. But then they respond to a call where a crazy woman, Lola, stopped traffic by standing atop a billboard that overlooks a busy highway in attempt to get her husband’s attention. He sends Buck to get her down, and his heart comes to a screeching stop when Lola pulls a gun on Buck. Those few minutes that Buck is talking to Lola are some of the worst in his life. He is transported back to being in that hospital, being told that his kids are dead. Athena takes his hand and squeezes in comfort. He cannot lose Buck. Please, God, let him not lose another son.

When Buck is finally down and the whole nightmare is over, Bobby’s heart doesn’t start beating until Buck is in his arms, assuring him over and over, “I’m fine Pops.”

“You’re not allowed to do that to me again, okay?”

Buck nods sadly. He must know how it must have felt like for Bobby. “Okay, Pops.”

“I love you, kid.”

Now he only needs to find a way to tell Buck that Athena asked him to move in with her.

*

Chimney and his sister are dating. He doesn’t know why he didn’t realize it sooner. He feels kind of embarrassed at the realization that he has been third-wheeling them for weeks now and not realizing it. He doesn’t even remember the last time he hung out with Maddie without Chimney, or without the conversation turning to Chimney. He loves Chimney and knows he is the best guy for his sister but, being a third-wheel sucks. Like now, he was supposed to hang out with Chimney now that Eddie is busy with his wife but Chimney of course invited Maddie.

 Allie, the woman he and Eddie saved during the earthquake, calls him and asks him out. Given that everyone else in his life is dating, Buck is tempted to agree. But then he remembers that old gay couple they saved, who were so in love that they died together, just as they lived together. He remembers telling Thomas that he can only hope to find something as good and Thomas telling him: “You don’t find it son, you make it.” Allie is not the person Buck wants to make it with.

That person is Eddie. Eddie, who has the cutest kid and who is very good with Zoe. Who listens to Buck when he rants about every small thing, and who always looks as if he never wants Buck to shut up. While this whole thing started as a crush, he is starting to realize that his feelings for his best friend grow every day.

Nothing hurt like the day Eddie confessed that Shannon was back in his life. And that they had kissed.

He kept hoping that the one kiss was all there was to it, but then the next day, Buck walked in on Eddie changing and there was a visible hickie on his torso. And Buck had felt something heavy settle in his chest, something constricting his breathing. But what did he expect anyway? Eddie is married. Shannon is his wife and Christopher’s mum. And the biggest reality check: Eddie is straight.

Though Buck swears he saw Eddie checking him out that one time he was shirtless. Maybe he saw what he wanted to see.

Two days before Christmas, the 118 holds a toy drive and Buck finally meets Mrs. Diaz and she is as pretty as he imagined. Buck, Chim and Eddie are sorting out the toys when Shannon arrives, accusing Eddie of ghosting her. That doesn’t even feel good to hear, especially when she says she wants a conversation that doesn’t end up in bed. And that she wants to see Christopher. So their relationship isn’t as perfect as Buck thought.

Maybe there is still a chance?

Because as Eddie’s friend, Buck honestly thinks there is a reason the two of them separated in the first place, and that reason is happening right before him as Eddie and Shannon yell at each other and Buck can hear everything. It seems like they just…don’t trust each other. And given that they were forced into marriage very young when Shannon got pregnant, maybe they are better off as co-parents.

Or maybe it is his jealousy talking.

Eddie invites him and Zoe to join him and Chris to meet Santa and make Christmas wishes and Buck is hoping that maybe Eddie changed his mind about Shannon. Like, isn’t this the perfect time to come here as a family, just the three of them? Buck is not complaining, though.

Zoe insists on joining Chris to wait in line for Santa and when Buck offers to go with her, she refuses. Chris is going alone, so she must also see Santa alone. She is at the age where she imitates everything she sees, and it seems she has chosen Chris as her guide. The both of them look cute in their tiny Christmas attire. Zoe is wearing a red Christmas hat while Chris wears a green one.

He and Eddie sit at the water front at a safe distance from the kids. And then Eddie finally admits to the whole friends-with-benefits thing with his own wife and Buck has to pretend his heart is not aching as he listens to his friend talk. He understands where both Eddie and Shannon are coming from but still thinks that the two would be better off without the whole sex thing but again, it is not his place.

Buck watches as Zoe climbs on Santa’s lap and talks and talks and talks. He wonders what she is asking for, or if she even knows what she is doing there. Later, a woman dressed as elf tells him,

“You two have adorable kids,” and Buck’s chest hurts at how he wishes that were true. He can only thank her. But then he gets an idea to take a picture of the four of them. The kind elf lady is happy to oblige. Buck is standing next to Eddie, who is holding Zoe, while Chris stands to his tight as he smiles widely at the camera.

“Hey, send that to me, yeah?” Eddie requests. Buck sends a copy to Bobby and Maddie, knowing they won’t let him live it down. He is even thinking of framing it.

And then Eddie tells him his plan to reintroduce Shannon and Chris and Buck knows it makes sense. Shannon is not a bad person, and Chris deserves his mother in his life. It is when Eddie says “and the three of us can be a family again” that Buck feels his heart crack open.  He has never been in love before, but man, does it hurt.

On Christmas Day, Buck decides to focus on Zoe and not think about the happy couple that is probably reuniting at this moment. Thankfully, they are all not working that day, which is a Christmas miracle in itself.

He and Bobby sleep till around 1pm since they were working last night. Whenever they have to sleep during the day after arriving home in the morning, one of them sleeps on the couch to be near Zoe, who is an early riser. Today is Bobby’s turn to sleep on the couch, ensuring that Zoe has everything she needs to entertain herself as she watches her cartoons. Buck wakes up before Bobby and finds Zoe using her sleeping grandpa as her canvas.

She has painted all over him and his clothes. Buck takes a picture and sends it to the 118 group chat. Their house has a Christmas tree at the front, next to the door, and red balloons decorated all over the house. There are more balloons on the ground that they left for Zoe to try and bust.

Buck makes lunch for the three of them and later, after Bobby is up and has washed the paint from his skin, he and Bobby sit at the fireplace to talk. They have angled their seats so that they can watch Zoe, who is currently playing with her barbies, as they sip tea silently.

Buck has been dreading this talk ever since Bobby started spending more and more time at Athena’s.

“Athena asked me to move in.” Buck is not really that surprised to hear it, but his chest still tightens.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. I haven’t given her an answer yet.”

“Why?”

Bobby turns to him seriously. “Buck, I wasn’t gonna give her an answer without talking to you. You know that, right?” And yes, he does.

“Do you want to?”

“If it were up to me, the three of us plus Athena and her kids would all live under the same roof. But I do want to. I love her.” He tells him honestly, and Buck understands. Bobby hasn’t loved anyone romantically since Marcy and he is happy for him.

“I’m happy for you. You know that, right?”

“Thank you. But I want you to know that nothing will change between us. Buck, you’re my…you’re my son. You and that little girl are my family.” Buck knew, of course, but it’s good to get confirmation. He is sure his eyes are red, just like Bobby’s.

“Promise?” He ends up asking because he still has loads of abandonment issues.

“I promise. And I was thinking we can have family dinner every week. Athena and her kids plus you and Zoe. And you and me, breakfast once a week, just the two of us as we catch up.” Okay and that sounds…that sounds awesome, actually.

“You’ve given this much thought, huh?” He teases, though the weight in his chest has lessened.

“Of course, kid.”

“That sounds wonderful. I admit I was worried, but I feel better now.  You are my dad, and I love you.” Bobby sniffs and hugs him, and Buck realizes he has never called him dad before. It’s always Pops.

“I love you, son.”

“I love you!” Zoe shouts because she is never one to be left behind, and when did she even abandon her dolls? Bobby picks her up and hugs her between them.

“Hey, Bobby?”

“Yeah?”

“You’ll be the one break the news to Zoe. And tell me when you decide to do it so that I can make myself scarce.” Because his daughter can be scary when she throws one of her temper tantrums. But of course Bobby is an expert at calming her down.

“Haha you got it, kid.”

“Hey,” Bobby turns to him as they are all getting ready to go to Athena’s to celebrate Christmas. “I need to show you something.” And then he pulls out a beautiful ring and Buck’s eyes go wide.

“You-you are gonna ask her to marry you?” Wow. Bobby nods.

“Wow Pops, it’s beautiful! She’s gonna love it.”

“You think?”

“Yeah. I am so happy for you.” And Buck realizes that he is truly happy for him. After everything he has gone through, no one deserves this more.

It’s a very nice evening that is a reflection of family dinners to come, the two families merging. Buck enters into a heated debate with May over whether there will be robots in the future. Harry shows him how to play his favorite game, and Buck makes a note to bring Chris over so the boys can bond over shared interests. Bobby and Athena disappear into the kitchen and when they come out, Athena shows them the huge ring on her finger. She said yes. Buck shares a look with Bobby, feeling so incredibly cheerful for him.

Later, Athena corners him as he is helping Harry take the dishes to the sink.

“Hey, I know it is hard that Bobby is moving in here, but thank you for giving him the go-ahead.”

“I-uh. It wasn’t my call.”

“Boy, Bobby values your opinion above all. You’re his son. And please know that this is your home now, too. The doors are always open for you and that sweet baby.” He feels himself grin stupidly.

“Thank you, ‘Thena.”

He is still feeling sad and has zero love life, but at least he has this family. Plus his sister and the 118. He should be grateful for what he has. But as he watches Bobby and Athena kiss, he wishes he had that. Someone just for him, like Maddie with Chim ,Hen with Karen and now Eddie with Shannon. He pushes the sad thoughts out of his mind, fixes his face, and joins the party. That night, they all sleep at Athena’s, Zoe with May and Buck on the couch.

However, for the first time in over three years, Buck feels as he used to feel during his travels: a deep loneliness that has him crying himself to sleep that night, despite the fact that he is surrounded by family. He wonders if there is something wrong with him.

And then he wakes up, checks his phone, and there is a missed call from Philip Buckley. He pulls the covers up his head and goes back to sleep, trying to ignore the sudden dread.

Chapter Text

If, for some reason or the other, Zoey decides to leave home when she is nineteen, Buck knows that he will go to the ends of the earth to find her. And if he finds her and she doesn’t want to come home, he will ensure that she has everything she needs, money, health insurance, housing, e.t.c. And he will call her every day. And make it clear to her that she can call him any time, any day. Now that he is a dad, he cannot imagine anything that would make him stop loving his precious daughter. He doesn’t care if she is three or thirty of fifty. As long as he breathes, his daughter will be loved wholeheartedly and unconditionally.

When he left home at nineteen, no one came after him. His parents cut him off. He had no contact with Maddie. And Buck knew that if anything were to happen to him then, no one would come.

He reminisces all this as he looks again at the missed call from his dad to make sure that his eyes are not deceiving him. He hates that there is a not-small part of him that is tentatively hopeful that his dad misses him. That he loves him.

His dad doesn’t call again and Buck is tempted to block him. He doesn’t. He doesn’t call back, either. But his mind cannot stop wondering why now? After all this time, why would Philip decide on calling him now? Is it to ask about Maddie? Does he want to know whether Buck gave up his child? His dad’s last words to him are glued in his brain.

The best thing you can do for that child is leave them with the mother. You’re not capable of being someone’s parent.

Those words had crashed him. He never told Bobby, but sometimes, he questions whether he really is the best thing for Zoey. Whenever she is angry at him, or when she is sick and crying all night, Philip’s words creep into his mind.  Whenever he sees normal families with a mum and dad, he wonders whether Zoey would have been better off being raised by someone else. These insecurities always manage to pool in his mind on the rare moments he thinks of his parents. And now…now his dad called him. He doesn’t know what to think.

Life goes on.

But Buck can feel the melancholy inside him spread from just bouts of lingering sadness to something big and heavy. Like a yoke around his neck.

Life goes on.

Bobby moves out on a cold afternoon just a few weeks after New Years. Zoe clings to him after she is all cried out. First she yelled at Bobby, then hid his phone so he can’t call anyone, then refused to talk to him, and then the tears came. Now she is just sad as she hugs Bobby tight, her small arms wrapped around his neck. The whole of the 118 is here to help even though like Maddie, Bobby isn’t really packing much. Athena already has the furniture and the larger house, so it’s just his clothes, some kitchen equipment and other knickknacks.

The house suddenly fills too big once everything is done. Bobby had asked him to consider a two-bedroom apartment but Buck shot the suggestion down. There is a still hopeful part of him that sees Eddie and Chris here one day. He doesn’t tell Bobby this, though he knows Bobby knows if the way he looks at him is anything to go by. It’s not like he cannot afford the rent. Plus he is somehow thrilled for it to be the two of them, finally. He never had to raise Zoe alone before, and Buck wants to prove to himself that he could have done it all before even without Bobby’s help.

After he has read Zoe to sleep that night, his phone lights up with a call from –

His mum.

What the hell? First, his dad, now his mum? Buck remembers those times he used to call and call his parents but they never answered. He can count on his fingers the number of times he has talked to his parents since he left home, and that number is once. In Saint Paul, when he begged them for help before meeting Bobby.

Buck lets the call go to voicemail. The melancholy starts turning into something darker, uglier. Something between hope and bitterness. Hope, that his family finally wants him. Bitterness that it feels like it’s too late. He has Zoey and Bobby and Maddie and Athena and all the 118, and he has been happy. His romantic woes aside, Buck has been content knowing that he has a family for the first time in forever.

The next week, his parents call two more times.  He ignores each one, though each call feels like it shatters something in him. He wonders if they are also calling Maddie –do they even know they are in the same city? Bobby has started looking at him worriedly, and Buck makes a little more effort to mask his emotions.

He and Zoe have fallen into their new normal. They have dinner at Bobby and Athena’s once a week, and Bobby keeps coming over to see Zoe whenever they are not working  (Bobby admitted that he misses living with her after getting used to her being there daily for over three years). Eddie and Chris have also been coming over, though not as much as they used to now that Shannon is back in their lives. Maddie and Chimney finally admitted to dating and have also been coming over sometimes, much to Zoe’s joy.

All in all, his house has become a meeting point for the 118 and Buck is loving it. Sometimes, Zoe sleeps over at Athena’s without Buck, and he likes that she has a whole community of people she can go to if something were to happen to him.

Things are good. However, Buck can’t help but feel a pang of loneliness even when Zoe is right there. He misses companionship, sleeping in the same bed with someone and curling close to them at night. He misses sex, and has been thinking of maybe getting back out there one night when Zoe is with Bobby.

His parents don’t call for three weeks.

*

Buck is in love with Eddie. He finally admitted this fact to Bobby and Maddie, although it didn’t feel as good as it should have. Every time he hangs out with the other man, he feels the love for him grows and grows. Eddie gets him on level no one else has. He is easy to talk to, and Buck enjoys the moment they all hang out together, even with Christopher. Eddie is his person.

Eddie doesn’t talk about Shannon with Buck, and always turns the conversation around whenever Buck brings her up. Sometimes, Eddie even looks guilty whenever Shannon is brought up. Buck doesn’t know whether this is because Eddie has clocked Buck’s feelings for him, or whether his relationship with Shannon isn’t going well. He is afraid to ask.

*

On their next off, Buck packs a bag for Zoe and he drives them to Athena’s. The weather is chilly and he has wrapped her up in a furry purple coat and a matching beanie. She looks adorable. When they arrive, Bobby is in the kitchen and Athena and May are seated on the coach talking seriously about something.

“Nana!” Zoe calls, demanding to be let down and running toward Athena. And that has Buck stunned.

“Nana?” He whispers to May.

“Mum has been teaching her to call her that.” May tells him, smiling.

“Well, since Bobby is already grandpa, I might as well embrace it. But grandma sounds too old and I’m too young.” Athena says, hugging Zoe to her and smiling.

“Is that my little princess?” Bobby’s voice comes from the side of the kitchen. whatever he is cooking smells amazing and Buck wishes he could stay.

“Granpa!”May and Athena are ignored as she runs to hug Bobby.

Buck doesn’t stay long after that.

He had another missed call from Philip this morning, and knows the heavy feeling in his chest is reflected on his face. He hugs Zoe goodbye and is off to Maddie’s.

He ignores Bobby and Athena’s concerned looks as he leaves without really talking to them. He doesn’t know what to say. Will Bobby encourage him to reconcile with his actual dad, and start drifting away? Will he stop seeing him as his son?

Today he is finally going to ask Maddie if their parents have been calling her too. What if they haven’t?

She and Chimney are going on a date tonight, and she asked Buck to watch her place when they are out because the hinges on her front door are acting up and won’t be fixed until tomorrow. Buck has decided that he will talk to her after they come back. And maybe hit the bar later and find someone to flirt with and maybe take home because it has been way too long. He ignores the anxiety that bubbles in his chest at the thought of having sex, remembering how it went the last time. It will be fine –it’s just a one-night stand.

When he arrives at 1832 Bryson Avenue, however, he is met with a sight straight from a nightmare. Chimney is lying on the ground, blood flowing from his stomach, and pooling over his clothes. His breathing is shallow and he struggles to speak as Buck takes out his phone and dials 9-1-1. Please let him not be dead.  Heart racing, he tries to stem the blood flow while he is on the line with the dispatcher, but then Chim mentions Jason and Maddie and Buck freezes in fear.

No, no, no. But then a light bulb goes off in his brain and it all clicks: Chimney’s friend appearing at the same time Maddie filed for divorce. Jason is Doug. He has been here all this time and none of them noticed.

The moment the paramedics arrive, Buck is running around Maddie’s house frantically, calling for her, even though he knows she is long gone by now. His shoulders slum in defeat, his heart racing as adrenaline surges through him. Buck is paralyzed with dread. Maddie is somewhere out there with a madman. Chimney might die.

Buck feels like he blinks and then he is being pulled into Bobby’s warm chest and when did he and Athena arrive?

“Zoey is with May.” Bobby tells him quietly, knowing what Buck is about to ask. Good. It seems like Bobby’s hug and calm presence is what he needed to rejuvenate him emotionally, because he is up and running like a madman, giving his statement to Athena and the detective and thinking of ways to help find his sister.

And then he steals Chimeny’s phone from the crime scene and finds himself in hospital jail.

Eddie sits with him, and like always, he has the ability to make the scampering thoughts in his head calm a little bit. He feels calmer after Athena allows him to go with her to follow the trail leading to Maddie and Doug. Bobby hugs him before they leave, promising him that Zoe is in good hands and allowing him to focus on Maddie without worrying for his daughter.

It’s a long, hectic day trying to find his sister with little clues, and sometimes Buck felt like giving up, but they find her. They find her, beaten but not broken, his sister still fighting to her last breath. She killed Doug despite being hurt and injured and mentally screwed up, thinking that Chimney died, but she did it. Buck is so, so incredibly proud of her.

He heads straight to the hospital where the entire 118 is waiting and he gets hugged by Bobby and Eddie and Chris and Hen, and even Michael. Shannon is there, but Buck doesn’t have the mental capacity to feel sad about it as he goes to Chimney’s room and tries to assure the other man that Jason wasn’t his fault. He could not have known that his shiny new friend was a madman.

Watching from the window as Maddie and Chimney reunite and kiss, Buck’s entire body sags in relief.

They all start leaving one by one, and Bobby drives him and Athena to their house, where he hugs May, who is still awake and waiting for them. He thanks her for watching Zoey and as he watches his daughter sleep in May’s bed, Buck is so glad that this hellish day had a positive outcome. For a minute, he came close to losing his sister for good. He doesn’t even want to imagine that scenario.

Maddie is released from the hospital before Chimney and Buck drives her to his house. He is not comfortable leaving her alone and she doesn’t even protest, not ready to go back to her apartment yet. He finds Bobby and Zoey already there, Bobby making them something to eat. Zoey runs to hug auntie Maddie excitedly, telling her that she has missed her. Later, after Bobby has left, Buck and Maddie sit on the couch silently, glad to offer her silent support.

Chimney is released three days later with strict instructions to stay home and rest and have someone watch him. Buck insists he comes to his place, and Chimney doesn’t resist when he finds out Maddie will also be there. He has enough rooms, after all. Or maybe Maddie and Chimney will share a bed.

Since both Maddie and Chim are off from work, Buck gets free childcare as they watch Zoey when he is working. He thinks they are both glad to have Zoey, as she provides a distraction from the tension between them. Buck wonders what that is all about.

Three days after Chim moves in, Margaret calls.

 Buck knows he needs to really talk to Maddie. He corners her that night after Chim and Zoe have gone to sleep.

“Have you heard from mum or dad lately?” Buck is stunned when Maddie asks him the exact question he wanted to ask her. Is she reading his mind? What the hell?

“They have been calling, but I haven’t gotten around to answering.” He tells her warily.

“Dad called me last week, twice. Once I answered, he was with mum.” Maddie tells him.

“Okay, what did they want?”

“He asked if I had talked to you recently, and before I could answer, mum goes, “you know Boston is not that far from Hershey, maybe you and that husband of yours could visit your parents once,” and I hang up on them.” Maddie does a really poor terrible imitation of their mum.

“Wait. They still think you’re with Doug?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Wow. It’s been months since you left!”

“I know. But why are they asking about you?”

“I don’t know.” Buck takes out his phone and shows Maddie all the missed calls from their parents.

“Wow. Okay, these are many. Do you think it’s about Zoey?” Buck feels something cold settle in his chest at the thought. He hadn’t even considered that Zoe could be the reason for their parents’ sudden interest.

“I-I hadn’t thought about it. The last time we talked, it didn’t go well, so I haven’t been picking up.”

“When was that?”

“Shortly after I learned Angela was pregnant.” Maddie’s eyes go wide.

“Oh, Buck. You-you told them about her, didn’t you?” Maddie fills the dots and Buck can only nod.

“What did they say?”

So Buck tells Maddie everything about that awful phone call. He remembers how alone and desperate he felt, knowing he had no one. How it felt like everything inside him had been hollowed out, the weight of the entire world on his shoulders. How he wished he could sink into the earth and vanish and all he could do was drive robotically, eyes unseeing because of the silent tears.

“Oh, Buck. I am so sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

“Maddie, we’ve been through this. I understand, especially after what you just went through. You’re here now and that is what matters.” She sniffs and hugs him. But now that she has brought up the thought of their parents calling for his daughter, something heavy settles in his chest.

“Do you think I should let them see her, if that is the reason they are calling?” Buck asks Maddie. She is quiet as she thinks about it.

“Honestly, I don’t know.”

Great.

Two weeks later, it is just Buck and Zoey alone in the house. Maddie left first, then Chimney, three days later. They finally talked about whatever the whole Doug mess had put to pause and they are happily dating. Buck is happy for them.

Thankfully, there have been no more calls from his parents, though it doesn’t make him relax, not one bit. He has been on edge lately, feeling like the other shoe is about to drop.

*

Three months after he left home, Buck had found his way to Montana. He had no money, his jeep needed gas and maintenance, and he had no friends. He would call Maddie and his parents and no one would pick up, so he eventually stopped calling. He had no job, and only had a few dollars to last him a few days.

He remembers being so sad and tired, despite the fact that he did nothing every day except find a free place to pack his jeep and spend time staring at nothing.

He remembers thinking that maybe it would be better if he wasn’t here at all. And once that thought found its way into his juggled brain, it was all he could think about every day. Some days, he would wonder if Maddie or his parents would know if he did it. How long would it take them to know he was dead? What if they never found out? That thought was more depressing.

Later, a kind woman would offer to buy him coffee and then hire him on her ranch, but Buck doesn’t remember how they met exactly. Later, she would tell him that she had nursed him to health for weeks because when she found him, he had not been eating or doing anything, really. He had been so lost in his head that the passage of time became meaningless to him.

Later, she would talk to him about depression and urge him to consider seeing a professional. With time, the depressing thoughts had eventually diminished, especially as he spent more and more time with the horses. And when the woman’s son came back and they had no space for him in the ranch anymore, Buck was in a better mental state to travel. He had found himself in Atlanta next.

And it’s not that he found something to live for -it’s that he became distracted with short bouts of happiness by traveling and sleeping around until it was all he lived for.

He doesn’t know that he started actually living until Zoey.

*

The sadness that Buck feels now somehow reminds him of that time in Montana and he doesn’t know what it all means.

Especially because his family is safe.

Zoey is healthy and thriving, growing more every day. Maddie is safe from Doug, finally, and is in a wonderful relationship with Chimney. Bobby and Athena are in a good place, and he can see the sparkle in his eyes whenever he visits them, or every time Athena comes by at the station. Nowadays, happiness is wrapped around Bobby like a hug, and it suits him. Hen and Karen are in a better place than ever.

And Eddie…well, Eddie doesn’t seem that happy, but he still looks content as he rebuilds his family. He still looks at Buck with guilt-ridden eyes that he doesn’t know what to do with sometimes but overall, Eddie is great.  The other day, he even invited Shannon to the monthly barbecue at Athena’s and finally introduced her as his wife to everyone (Buck had pretended not to see the pitying looks from Bobby and Maddie that were sent his way).

His parents have stopped calling. Everything is good. So why does he feel like he is sinking?

Today, Eddie came over with Chris and Zoey had been excited to see them, especially Chris. The kids spent the evening building legos and Buck was amazed that Chris didn’t get annoyed with Zoe even though she kept destroying the arranged pieces.

The kids have long gone to sleep, and he and Eddie are slowly sipping beers on the couch, some documentary about Arctic Ocean playing soundlessly and casting a blue glowing light over their faces.

“Are you okay, man?” Eddie asks him. Buck knows people have started worrying about him. Eddie is not the first to ask. He knows that he has been quiet lately, but he doesn’t know how to begin describing the heaviness in his chest. He knows Bobby is waiting for Buck to go to him, and he will. He just needs to figure out what is wrong, because he himself doesn’t understand.

“Yeah, why?”

“It’s just that lately you’ve seemed…quiet.” Eddie says. “You know you can talk to me, right?”

“Yeah. Yeah I do. I guess it’s been a lot of change, with Bobby moving out and Maddie being kidnapped, but I’m handling it.” That sounds reasonable, right? Thankfully, Eddie seems to believe him. For now.

“Yeah. It’s been a rough few weeks,” and then he adds so quietly that Buck thinks he wasn’t meant to hear: “for everyone.”

It’s Buck’s turn to eye him worriedly. “Everything  okay with Shannon?” There has been an unspoken rule between them that they don’t speak about Shannon. They haven’t spoken about her since that time they took the kids to see Santa.

Edie rubs his head, looking nervous. “Good. They are good.” The words are laced in deception.

“You don’t sound sure.” Buck doesn’t know why he is prodding. Well, he knows, obviously. He wants Eddie to go back to being his single friend and spend all is free time with him, and not divide his time between Buck and Shannon. Because there is no way Buck is ever hanging out with Eddie and Shannon and Chris. His heart would actually drop from his chest.

“It’s just…adjusting to having her back will take time.”

“Are you worried she’ll leave again?” The words are out before he can stop them. He doesn’t know how his voice comes out like, but it makes Eddie defensive.

“You don’t like her, do you?” His brittle tone reveals less emotion and more armor. There is a chill that should warn Buck to drop it, but he doesn’t know that he can.

“You just don’t seem that happy having her back.” He knows he should proceed with caution.

“She’s my wife, Buck. Chris is excited to have her back!” Eddie stands and Buck follows suit.

“What about you?”

“All I care about is Chris’ happiness. Plus she’s my wife.” Eddie sounds despondent.

“So that means you stay with her even if you’re miserable?”

Eddie’s voice turns cold. “Tread carefully, Buck. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I just want you to be happy, man.” Buck tells him honestly.

“Really?” Eddie’s voice is mocking. “Or are you just jealous?”

Buck fills his heart start to race wildly. Eddie cannot know how he feels about him, can he?

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” His voice comes out small and weak.

“I’m talking about the fact that you are in love with me!”

The words hit like a slap. Sudden silence envelops them, leaving only the sound of their voices breathing. Buck opens his mouth, then closes it as words fail him. The sheer force of Eddie’s words drains any fight left in him, leaving only the gaping truth in his words mocking him. They both freeze, staring at each other, the space between them filled with crackling tension.

“Buck,” Eddie says his name softly. His eyes are full of regret and something else Buck cannot name. He braces himself, even as Eddie puts his right hand on his shoulder, urging Buck to look at him. “I care about you. A lot. But I have a duty to Christopher, and to Shannon. Especially now -”

“Now what?” His words are barely above a whisper.

“Now that she’s pregnant.” And then Eddie leaves, but not before giving him one last look full of regret, and heads toward what was formally Bobby’s room. He wants to laugh at the fact that even though they are fighting, there is no question on whether Eddie and Chris are staying over. But all the energy has drained out of him.

He drops to the couch, body feeling heavy, heart cracking open. There is a storm of gloom churning quietly in his chest, and it feels like he will crack under the weight of everything. Tears roll down his cheeks silently but he doesn’t bother to wipe them.

Eddie knows that Buck is in love with him.

Shannon is pregnant.

Buck feels empty.

His phone rings and Buck answers, bringing it to his ear without checking the caller ID. He doesn’t speak, too drained. Whoever is on the line can speak or hang up, Buck doesn’t care.

“Evan?” Philip’s voice jolts Buck back to awareness like stepping into a shower expecting hot water but it comes out cold. “Oh, I’m glad I reached you, we had started thinking you changed your number.” Buck says nothing.

“Evan? Are you there?”

“Y-yes.” The word is pulled out of him.

“Oh. Your mother was in the hospital recently but at least it wasn’t serious. She just needs to check her blood sugar. But it made us realize that with Maddie getting older, we might never get another opportunity to have a grandchild. So we are coming to L.A. soon to see our grandchild.” And then his voice sounds excited and he adds. “We will help with anything you need, don’t worry.’’

Didn’t his dad ask him to give his child up?

The line goes dead.

And something in Buck breaks.

Chapter Text

Eddie is the world’s biggest hypocrite.

He accused Buck of being in love with him in a not-so-gentle tone to avoid acknowledging that Buck’s words hit a little too close to home.  That he is not in love with Shannon, and has probably never been in love with her. Shannon never made him feel like he does whenever he is around Buck. She never makes him feel alive, like he can do anything.

Before Shannon came back into his life, Eddie had been the happiest he has ever been his entire life. He and Christopher were 800 miles away from his parents’ disparagement, he had his tia and abuela with him, offering him unconditional support, and he had the 118. And most importantly, he had Buck, who came with his cute daughter.

When he joined the 118, he craved the camaraderie that the station offered, and he was overjoyed to be a part of a great team. He got a best friend –Eddie never had a best friend before. Maybe Shannon before they started dating, but it never felt like it did with Buck. So over time, Buck became more than a best friend. He became…his person. Buck gave him Carla, for god’s sake.

And with time, Eddie and Chris and Buck and Zoey had become their own little unit. They would meet at Eddie’s and watch their kids play together and later, they would sip their beers on the couch slowly, talking about nothing and everything. They were not only partners at work, but outside of it, too. And when Bobby started staying over at Athena’s more often, Buck’s larger house became their go-to hangout.

It had reached a point that all his free time was spent with Buck. The fact that their kids loved each other was an amazing bonus. Buck understood him to a level that no one else in his life could.

Eddie had been thinking of updating his will so that Buck would care for Christopher in case he no longer could. To be honest, he hadn’t thought of Shannon when he was considering this –he still didn’t trust her. But he trusted Buck with every nerve in his body.

But then he walked in on a shirtless Buck on the lockers one time and Eddie’s brain short-circuited. He looked away quickly, feeling himself flush for some reason.

His brain unhelpfully supplied that Buck was hot, and where the fuck did that thought come from? Eddie has never thought of anyone as hot before –not that he got many opportunities, having married Shannon when they were nineteen. Eddie had thought Shannon was beautiful. He was drawn to her laugh and kindness, especially after she offered him a ride to school one day after his car broke down. And then his friends started patting him on the back for talking with the hottest girl in school and so naturally, Eddie asked her out.

But looking at the way Buck’s muscles spasmed, the way the light caught his torso, Eddie felt…yearning. He couldn’t understand it. He knew he was staring, but he could not stop wondering what it would feel like to run his hands all over Buck’s body. And what the hell? Buck noticed him staring and smirked, making something inside Eddie shift.

He remembered when Buck admitted that he was into men, how he had flushed at the thought for some reason. Eddie was straight, right?  But then those new, scary and exciting feelings started bubbling up whenever he was in Buck’s presence. And it was not just physical attraction, it was more. Buck made him feel whole.

Or maybe Eddie was not so straight after all. He never got a opportunity to really know what he wanted because he married Shannon as soon as she got pregnant and then joined the army soon after and Eddie was no longer a boy but a man. He had no time for fun exploration; he had to provide for his family. But being with the 118 gives him a sense of freedom he hasn’t experienced in so long that Eddie started seriously thinking about whether there was a chance he could be into men. The thought wasn’t even that scary. Okay, it was scary thinking of his parents’ reaction, but wasn’t he 800 miles away from them?

So Eddie might have feelings for his best friend.  He might be gay. Okay, that one was a little scary.

But then he started noticing how Buck looked at him with glances that lingered, how he would stare at his lips when Eddie was talking, as if he wanted to kiss him. Eddie had to work hard to hide his flush during such moments. So Eddie liked Buck, and those feelings might be reciprocated.

He wasn’t actually sure that Buck might love him like that until he heard Hen and Maddie discussing the bet that they apparently had about them. It was during one of the monthly barbecues at Athena’s and Eddie had just been coming from the bathroom when he heard Maddie ask Hen to update her bet on when Buck would tell Eddie he was in love with him. Eddie had frozen in shock, even as excitement bubbled up inside him at the thought that Buck loved him and everyone knew, apparently. Well, he doubted Chim was in on it, what with his penchant for not being able to keep secrets.

The thought that Buck’s feelings for Eddie ran that deep should have been frightening, maybe made him run for the hills. But Eddie just felt hot and flustered. Buck was the best man Eddie knew, and to think that he loved him…honestly it was flattering.

But then, as fate would have it, Shannon came back into his life.

Eddie once thought that having Shannon back in his life would fix every feeling of inadequacy that has plagued him for years. That it would prove to his parents that he was man enough to keep his family together. Now Shannon is back, Chris is happy, but Eddie is decidedly not. How come the time he spends with Buck makes him freer than any time spent with his wife? Maybe it’s because they still spend half of their time together arguing. In their last argument, Shannon was concerned about Christopher’s new school and all the programs he has enrolled him in, and whether there is enough money to cover them all and Eddie had gotten defensive and they ended up at each other’s throats.

Eddie thinks he hasn’t forgiven Shannon for the two years she left him and Christopher. And he understands on some level, but she wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t contacted her. And that pisses him off, honestly. But still. She kissed him and his mind supplied that maybe this will prove to his dad that Eddie is still man enough.

Eddie is starting to believe that he is not the only one that isn’t quite okay with the whole arrangement yet. Sometimes, Shannon looks at him as if he is a stranger. Even their sexual escapades have reduced considerably, and this somehow makes Eddie relieved.

Sometimes, when Buck talks about his previous sexual proclivities, Eddie feels a twinge of jealousy. Sex has never felt like that to him: fun, and something to look forward to. Eddie has only ever been with Shannon and even then, sex has always felt like a chore. He used to think he doesn’t like sex, that maybe that is how it was supposed to feel like.

But then he met Buck and as they got closer, Eddie started getting flushed in the other man’s presence, especially when he marched around shirtless in his house. Sometimes, when he is having sex with Shannon, he thinks of Buck’s perfectly sculptured chest and earnest blue eyes and it becomes easier. Which feels like cheating.

This whole thing with Shannon feels wrong. However, Christopher has been so excited to have his mum back in his life that Eddie cannot take that away from him. But divorced or separated couples still raise their children together, his brain supplies.

He knows he needs to have a serious talk with Shannon. Admit that he doesn’t want to remain married anymore. There is a big part of Eddie that still knows Shannon that feels like she will agree with him. She hasn’t seemed happy lately. Like Eddie, Shannon has been playing a part.

Eddie decides on one last day as a family on the beach, and then he and Shannon will talk. But then, Shannon drops a bombshell: she is pregnant. The idea fills him with dread. Didn’t they learn their lesson from the first time this happened?

To be honest, Eddie doesn’t want another kid. He is content with Christopher. And Zoey, he thinks.

His thoughts are running like restless winds, and multiple decisions unravel in front of him: break up with Shannon and co-parent, buy a ring and marry Shannon and prove that he is a man who takes care of his family, ask Shannon if she wants this baby, stay with Shannon, get a divorce, baby, baby, baby…the thoughts overlap in his head, all demanding attention.

It is with this uncertainty, his mind a mess, that he and Christopher go to Buck’s for their scheduled hang out. And as always, seeing Buck and Zoey is enough to calm his racing thoughts. It’s a nice evening filled with laughter and joy. Soon, the kids are soon off to their own world of legos.

Eddie has noticed how different Buck has seemed lately. He has seemed…sad. Eddie thinks that him being back together with Shannon is one of the reasons for Buck’s gloom nowadays.

He can’t help but notice that lately, everybody in their family has a significant other except for Buck. Eddie wishes he could tell him that there are too many cracks in his marriage with Shannon; that he wishes she never came back. But it doesn’t seem fair to discuss Shannon with Buck, especially if it is true that Buck does have feelings for him.

But then Buck brings her up anyway and Eddie feels his hackles rise and ends up blurting that he knows Buck is in love with him. And that Shannon is pregnant.

He really is a scumbag. Because if Buck really loves him, yelling it to him made everything 100 times worse. He saw the hurt swirling beneath those blue eyes, the way Buck curled him on himself on the coach after Eddie left to go to sleep.

If anything, witnessing Buck’s hurt made it clear to Eddie what he needed to do. He cannot handle seeing Buck like this. But he cannot fix it until he speaks with Shannon. He will support whatever she wants to do with the baby, but they cannot remain married any more.

He cares about Buck’s happiness more than he cares about staying with Shannon. Even if right now, he is one of the reasons for Buck’s hurt.

He is going to fix it (He is also afraid that if he doesn’t, Bobby might shun him for hurting his son).

*

Eddie wakes up early to take Christopher to school and is grateful when he doesn’t see Buck. He cannot talk to Buck until he talks to Shannon. He writes a small note and quietly opens Buck’s door, leaving it somewhere the other man will see when he wakes up.

Zoey’s wheeled bed is in Buck’s room, and she is sleeping like a starfish. Buck, however, looks stressed even in his sleep. He is breathing heavily, like someone who fell asleep crying. Eddie’s chest pangs with guilt.

He must fix this.

Shannon agrees to meet that night, and they meet at a rooftop restaurant that Eddie realizes too late looks romantic. This is not what he was going for but it’s too late to change venues.

The small talk is over quickly and they stare at each other awkwardly, before Eddie decides to bite the bullet.

“When you came back into our lives, I was so glad. And afraid. I knew Christopher missed you –”

“Eddie –”

“–just let me say this. We were so young the first time we met, and then we had this amazing kid and then we speed-rushed into marriage. And I want you to know, Christopher is the best thing that ever happened to me. That little man has taught me more about being a man than being in war ever did.” He says, trying to find the courage and the words to say more.

“You’re a good dad,” Shannon tells him with tears in her eyes. “You’re a great dad.” And hearing those words from Shannon is…nice.

He swallows and continues, “And I know you’re pregnant and I’ll be there every step of the way, for everything you need, but –”

“I’m not pregnant.” Shannon cuts him off.

“What?”

“I’m not pregnant.” She repeats, and Eddie hopes the sudden joy he feels inside is not reflected on his face. He does heave a sigh of relief.

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” She takes his hands. “Eddie, this changes everything for me. It made me realize that I don’t want to remain married. I love Christopher with all my heart and I’ve been so happy, being back in his life. But I realized that if I try t remain married again when I’m not ready, I might leave him again. And that is the last thing I want.” Shannon says earnestly, and Eddie –

Eddie laughs. In happiness, in relief. Holy shit, here he was, stressing about how to break it off, but for the first time since they met, probably, they are on the same page.

“Okay, why are you laughing?” He realizes she sounds offended, and its Eddie’s turn to take her hands.

“Because I came to tell you that I want a divorce. I’m glad you’re back in Chris’ life, and you have made him so happy. But…” He takes a deep breath.

“Shannon. I think….I’m gay.” He whispers the gay part, his chest racing and his hands suddenly feeling clammy. Holy shit, he said it. And despite the nerves and anxiety, he feels…liberated.

And then Shannon laughs, the sound drawing Eddie from his spiraling thoughts. He looks at her and cannot master the energy to be mad because seeing her like this, laughing freely, is a sight he doesn’t think he has ever seen before. They really were constricting each other’s joy, weren’t they?

“Okay, why are you laughing?”

“Sorry…sorry. It’s just. This makes so much sense.”

“It does?” He asks confusedly.

“Eddie. You might be in the small one percent of guys that doesn’t like sex. But now I know why. I always initiated it, and even then, sex with you always felt…mechanical. Like you were following a script all the time.”

Well, she’s not wrong. He wonders if sex will feel different if it is with a guy.

“It will,” Shannon tells him, and Eddie realizes he said his thoughts out loud.

“You know,” she continues, “I should have suspected it when you started talking about Buck all the time. Buck this and Buck that, and ‘did I tell you that Buck and Zoey invited Chris to the zoo?’ But then you kept insisting that we be together as a family and I chalked it to my own imagination. But thank you for telling me. Truly.”

“I don’t talk about Buck that much.” He says petulantly. Shannon levels him an unimpressed look.

“So…we should get a divorce?” She asks after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

“We should get a divorce.” Eddie agrees.

“There’s something else. I don’t want to leave Christopher, but I got a promotion. The job is in San Diego, which is around 3 hours by car and 1 hour by flight. I was thinking I could fly him out at least one weekend a month, and then maybe create an arrangement for holidays?” She looks nervous, but Eddie’s heart is singing. He will still have full custody, and he can handle not having Chris a few months a year especially since he will be with his mum. Everybody wins.

“Sounds like a plan. And you’re always welcome here, you know that, right?”

“Thank you, Eddie.”

“Wanna go tell Chris together?”

She nods. “Oh, and Eddie?” She calls when they have paid their bills and stood up, ready to leave.

“Yeah?”

“I am proud of you, and thank you for telling me.”

*

“Daddy, sad?”

Buck’s heart clenches. He wants to teach his daughter that it is okay to feel and acknowledge emotions, whether negative or positive. But his daughter is also three and a half, and he doesn’t want her worrying for him.

“I just need your hug, and I will be fine.” He tells her instead and smiles when she takes the command seriously, abandoning her dolls and climbing up the couch to hug him. She kisses him on both cheeks, and Buck’s heart melts with affection for his daughter. How did he get so lucky?

It is the morning after one of the most emotionally taxing days in his life, from Eddie yelling that he was aware of Buck’s feelings for him, to learning that it can never happen between them because Shannon is pregnant, to his parents suddenly wanting to be part of his daughter’s life because apparently, Maddie is getting too old to give them a grandkid. What sexist bullshit.

And Buck is kind of offended that the only reason they want to see Zoey is because to them, she is the second best option.

And how the fuck did they know that he kept the baby? Buck should have told them that he heeded their advice to keep them away but now it’s too late. His parents didn’t say when they were going to come to L.A., but Buck guesses that it will not be long now. If Philip and Margaret Buckley decide on something, nothing can change their mind.

He holds Zoey close to him, feeling a million emotions all at once, and none of them positive. His heart hurts. He feels like he holds the weight of the world on his shoulders, and he doesn’t know what to do.

You would think, after how cruel his parents were to him the last time they talked, that it would be easy to just…tell them off. Ask them why now? Because a large part of Buck recognizes that it is too late.

He needed them when he was nineteen and depressed. He needed them when he would call at thanksgiving and Christmas because holidays had a way of making him wish for a normal family. He needed them when he learned that he was going to be a dad and he had nothing.

So yes, Buck knows it is too late. But a bigger part of him wants to hear them out, see how they will act as grandparents. Zoey is the cutest kid ever, and she has the ability to melt even the hardest heart. What if they see her and something inside them shifts for the better? What if they start loving him again?

Buck doesn’t think he can keep Zoey today without infecting her with his gloomy mood. He takes out his phone and opens the thread with Bobby.

Buck: Can I bring Zoey over?

Pops: Always

Buck: OMW

Buck wonders if he should tell Bobby about his parents. He knows that the other man and has been concerned for him, and has been offering him silent support and that expression that tells Buck that Bobby will be there waiting for Buck to be ready. He bathes Zoey and dries her, and then they spend twenty minutes picking up something to wear because she has reached the age where she has opinions on what she wants to wear, which is mostly mismatched colors. She gets excited once Buck tells her they are going to see her granpa and Nana, and allows Buck to pick up her clothes.

Thirty minutes later, they are pulling into the driveway and Zoey is already screaming “granpa!” at the top of her lungs. Bobby hugs her and sends her inside to Athena, but Buck doesn’t want to enter, standing at the threshold.

“I’m worried about you.” Bobby tells him meaningfully. His expression is worried, and Buck wants to cry at the concern written in those eyes.

“I’m sorry I worried you.”

“I don’t want you to be sorry son. I want you to tell me what’s been eating at you.” Buck wipes his face, feeling tired.

“My dad called.” He decides to go with. He doesn’t mention that he has been calling for a long time. He doesn’t mention yesterday’s call.

Bobby’s expression hardens, his eyes losing their glint. “What did he want?” He practically spits the words, and Buck actually feels better. He shouldn’t have doubted Bobby for even a moment. Of course he would be on his side.

Buck opens his mouth but then he hears “Nana!” from inside the house and both he and Bobby smile.

“He –uh…He’s honestly been calling for weeks, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It’s just been so confusing.” Buck feels his voice break in frustration.

“Why? What did he say?” Bobby prompts gently.

“I haven’t been picking up, but yesterday I did by accident. He said that mum apparently had a medical scare and it made them realize they want to meet their grandkids, and since Maddie is not an option, they want to meet my child.”

“What?” Bobby looks as if the carefully controlled demeanor he has been wearing has cracked. He is furious, but on Buck’s behalf.

“Yeah-uh. They said they would come visit soon. I didn’t even get a chance to say anything, I was too shocked.” His voice breaks.

“Come here,” Bobby says and brings him in for a firm hug. Buck melts into the hug.

“Is it bad that I don’t want them to meet her?” Buck whispers into Bobby’s chest.

“Hey,” Bobby wipes his tears gently, and Buck feels so…loved. He thinks this is what parental concern is supposed to feel like. “You can feel however you want. If you don’t what them to meet her, then they shouldn’t meet her. But I promise you, kid. Whatever you decide, I am with you.”

“Even if I ask you to come with me in case I meet them?”

“Anything. I don’t care that Philip has half of your genetic makeup. What I care about is that you are my kid, no matter what happened or will happen. Okay?” Buck wants to cry in relief. He will always have Bobby, no matter what.

“Promise?”

“I promise. Now, are you sure you don’t want to come inside? I just finished making lunch.”

Buck shakes his head. “Maybe next time. Tell Athena I said hi, okay?”

He turns to go but Bobby calls him when he has turned. “Hey, kid?”

“Yeah?”

“You sure there is nothing else?”

He could tell him about Eddie and their fight yesterday, but Buck doesn’t have it in him to relive it. Tomorrow is the end of their 96 off and then they are back to work, and buck doesn’t know how to face Eddie. Who is going to be a father again. He and Shannon and Chris will be a fuller family. He needs to go wallow in sadness alone.

“No, nothing.”

When Buck gets back to his place, he heads straight to bed. His body feels heavy, and his chest aches. He cannot stop thinking about Eddie and how he clocked in to the fact that Buck loves him. Is he disgusted in him? Does he regret their friendship? What if he never wants anything to do with him ever again? What if the four of them will never hang out again? He feels tears stream down his face and Buck sniffs, willing them away. He pulls the covers over him and is asleep within minutes.

He is starting to worry how easy it has become for him to fall asleep at any hour and ignore the world.

He is pulled out of a dreamless slumber by the insistent sound of someone knocking on his door.

“Coming, coming!” He yells as he rubs his eyes. He catches sight of his reflection in the mirror just outside his room and he looks like shit. His eyes are red-rimmed, and his face is pale. Anyone can see that Buck has been crying. Shit. He makes a poor attempt at wiping his face but knows it is no use. He opens the front door and comes face to face with a heavily breathing Eddie, who looks like he has run a marathon. His fist is mid-air, as if he was about to knock again then heard Buck from inside but didn’t manage to bring his hand back down.

“Eddie? Everything okay?” Oh God, did something happen when he was sleeping?

“I’m sorry.” Eddie says quickly.

“What?”

“I’m sorry, Buck. I was a jerk.” Oh. So they are doing this now.

“You were. You made me feel like my feelings were invalid. You made me…” he trails off, suddenly feeling choked.

“I know. Can we talk? Please?” His eyes are imploring, and something in Buck is unable to resist that look.

“I can’t now, Eddie.” Because he knows that if he lets Eddie in, he will forgive him instantly. And Buck is still too hurt from everything.

“Please.”

“I need space, Eddie. I need time to wrap my head around everything. Please leave.”

Eddie must see something in his face because he nods dejectedly.

“Whenever you’re ready, okay?”Buck nods, and watches as Eddie leaves, shoulders slumped. He closes the door and leans against it, feeling drained.

Buck goes back to bed. He still has two hours until he has to pick Zoey up, after all.

*

Bobby is officially worried about Buck.

The moment the kid gets in his jeep and is out of the driveway, Bobby releases the deep exhale he had been holding in so that Buck wouldn’t know how worried he truly was.

Bobby once joked to Athena that the day he meets Buck’s parents, he will fight them to the death for Buck’s honor. And he would win, because the Buckleys have no dignity. Or shame. Turns out he was right. Suddenly they want to meet Buck’s kid? After Buck had begged them for help and they shunned him? After they told Buck to give up his kid? Bobby feels a pang in his chest at the thought of life without that cute little girl laughing outside with his fiancé.

He never once thought he would be someone’s grandpa, and now, here he is. Buck gave him this gift, the chance to not only be a father again, but also a grandpa. And the Buckleys have something else coming if they think he is not going to fight for his kid. Because Buck is his, and he loves him with every fiber of his being.

And Bobby knows the Buckleys are incapable of love.  Maybe they did once, but something must have happened to turn them this…cold. He knows that Buck is hopeful that his parents will be different this time and Bobby will not be the one to tell him not to hope, but he will be there when they inevitably disappoint. And then they will be out of Buck’s life for good.

In the evening, after Buck has come for Zoey and Athena convinces him to eat something, Bobby and Athena head out to look for wedding venues. They decided to get married as soon as everyone’s schedule lines up, not seeing the need to wait.

It is as they are leaving the latest venue and removing it from the list that Athena stops, drawn to the news coverage about bomb packages being dropped to unsuspecting victims houses. So far, there have been two bombs in one week. So on top of everything, there is a serial bomber on the loose. And he is just getting started.

Bobby is currently under investigation –he failed to disclose his past to the LAFD, and this information came to light during a recent call that had the 118 as suspects to a complex heist. He offered to watch Zoey, not comfortable with her being left at daycare given the recent bombings. Besides, Zoey will provide good distraction from the fact that he is not working today.

Athena calls him in, because it turns out that the serial bomber is connected to an arson case he and Athena solved a couple of years back. Thankfully, May is available to watch Zoey.

The son of the culprit who set fire to a restaurant, Freddie, is revealed to be behind all this mess. But then they discover that Freddie is going after him and Athena.

His heart drops from his chest when they realize that Freddie might target the 118. Buck is there. His 118 family is there. He takes his phone frantically and calls Buck but of course he doesn’t answer. He cannot answer if they are on a call. He gets into Athena’s cop car and they are driving to the station when they see the ladder truck.

But seconds later, Bobby sees his entire life flash before his eyes.

Because he blinks and then the ladder truck gets blown up. Buck is inside that ladder truck.

Dread paralyzes his entire body. He can feel Athena next to him talking, telling him something probably important, but his ears are ringing. He cannot move or think.

And when he realizes that Buck is trapped under the weight ladder truck, probably dead, Bobby lets out a blood curdling scream. He is about to lose another son while he watches, because history loves to repeat itself.

And Bobby knows that this time, he will never be okay.

Chapter Text

The waiting room is packed.

Everyone is here. Well, everyone apart from the kids. And May, who is being a big help after offering to look after Zoey. Bobby wonders where Zoe thinks everyone is. He doesn't know how he'll tell her that her dad is in the hospital, critically injured. Or maybe auntie Maddie will tell her. Between him and Maddie, Bobby doesn’t know who should have priority to look after Zoe during a time like now, when Buck is incapacitated. But that is a problem for later.

He purposely ignores the thought that Buck might not make it. The kid had a whole ladder truck fall on him, paying for another one of Bobby's mistakes. Was he destined to lose kids of his own doing? He shouldn't have gotten himself involved in the whole arson case. His actions and testimony are the reason Buck is here right now, fighting for his life.

Six hours.

It has been six hours since the doctors wheeled Buck away and they have yet to hear any news. Even if Buck survives, he might lose his leg. He might never work as a firefighter again. But at least he will be alive.

Bobby finds his way to the church two floors down.

He tightens his hold on his rosary, begging god to please, please save his kid. He is kneeling on the cold floors of the hospital church praying harder than he can remember praying. He feels a presence next to him and doesn't have to open his eyes to know that it's Athena. They sit in silence, and Bobby wonders if like him, Athena is blaming herself. He doesn’t have the energy to comfort her, but he takes her hand and they continue to stay in silence.

A few minutes later, they join everyone in the waiting room and Bobby heaves a deep sigh, prepared to distract himself from negative thoughts by being the leader his team needs. Even though he's not the captain at the moment. Chimney is.

Maddie is being held by Chim as she cries softly against his chest. Good. Bobby is glad they have each other. Similarly, Hen and Karen are comforting each other, looking tense as they all wait for news. Michael is also here with his new boyfriend, David. Who also happens to be a doctor and Bobby is resisting the urge to pester the man and ask him what he thinks of Buck’s chances.

That leaves Eddie, seated stiffly alone and furthest from everyone, leg bouncing nervously. His eyes are red and he looks like he hasn't slept for days. Bobby notices that he's here alone, no sign of his wife. He wonders about that. If he had any doubt about Eddie's feelings for Buck, the way the younger man is holding himself now would have assuaged them. Bobby walks to him silently and sits beside him, offering silent comfort. They don't say anything -they don't need to. Athena soon joins him, and Bobby loves that her being near is a source of strength.

"We fought," Bobby is brought from his thoughts by the broken voice of Eddie. He and Athena turn to him in question.

"Me and Buck. I yelled at him the last time we talked and now...I might not be able to make it right." He says brokenly and then breaks into sobs. Bobby had suspected the reason for Buck's gloomy mood these few weeks was Eddie and now it’s been confirmed. It must have been hard for Buck, watching the man he loved get back with his wife.

And he cannot even yell at Eddie, because the man looks so guilt-ridden and sad. All Bobby can do is hug him.

"You'll tell him.” He promises confidently, trying to believe his own words.

Hour six slowly bleeds into hour seven. Still no news. At some point, Athena leaves to call May on the phone and check on Zoe.

"Zoey is finally asleep, poor baby." She tells them when she comes back.

"You think she knows something is wrong?" Eddie asks.

"She's three and a half. She’s used to Buck’s weird schedule by now. But Buck has never missed a bedtime routine since she was born, and always calls her on the phone whenever he is not home. So who knows."

"Yeah. He's a great dad." Bobby admits and then his thoughts jump to Philip and Margaret Buckley. He really hopes he never gets to meet them.

*

Eddie has many regrets swirling in his brain, but the biggest one is not being able to fix things with Buck. And now he might never get the chance. He remembers the moment he realized that Buck was the one that got thrown off the ladder truck after it was bombed. That he had a whole ladder truck on top of him. At first, he focused on getting Buck from down there, making sure he survived the impossible. And after a few grueling minutes- he will never get the sound of Buck screaming in pain out of his head- they got him out, finally. With the help of civilian bystanders. But now that it is all done and Buck is in the hands of the good doctors of Cedars Sinai, Eddie feels all the adrenaline leave him.

Thank God Shannon is still around to stay with Chris because Eddie has no plans to leave the hospital until they get the confirmation that Buck is okay. Eddie doesn't pray but now, seated with the rest of the 118 and waiting for news, he closes his eyes and says a silent prayer for Buck. Please God, let him be okay. He has to be okay.

Eddie thinks he is in love with Buck.

He knows now that he hasn't really been in love before but if he could hazard a guess, he would say this is what it feels like. Like he cannot breathe properly until he knows Buck is safe. Like a huge portion of his heart has been carved out and given to Buck. He doesn't know what he will do if the doctors come out and give them bad news. Buck had a whole ladder truck fall on him. If he survives the surgery, Eddie doubts his leg will be okay. What if he cannot be a firefighter again?

Okay, Eddie. Think positive thoughts.

He hasn't talked to anyone since Buck was wheeled away, not in any mood for platitudes.

Minutes, hours pass without news. Eddie still sits stoically on his chair, waiting. Bobby must have joined him at some point, because Eddie blinks and then he isn't alone. They offer each other silent support.

He cannot imagine how Bobby must be feeling right now. Or Maddie, who is looking pale and crying softly against chimney's chest. Buck has so many people who love him. Not to mention his daughter, who is probably wondering where her dad is.

Eddie is mentally spiraling when a voice he hasn't heard before interrupts his less-than-pleasant thoughts.

"Mum? Dad?" That is Maddie's voice.

Why is Maddie...wait, Maddie is Buck's sister. Does that mean...?

Eddie turns his head toward the sound so fast he gets a whiplash. His gaze is immediately drawn to the couple walking hesitantly toward the 118, looking so out of place in the jam-packed waiting room. The couple that must be Buck's parents.

Holy shit. The woman is surprisingly short, with short blonde hair, and is wearing a grey suit that looks like it cost a fortune. The man is taller and is more informally dressed. He is wearing glasses and his expression is...perplexed. Buck's dad. So these must be Buck's parents. Buck doesn't talk much about his parents, but the little he has heard about them, he didn't have nice things to say. Buck told him about absconding from home when he was nineteen and never speaking to his parents during his travels. No kid runs away from a loving home. And the fact that neither Buck nor Maddie really mentions their parents raises questions.

It's nice of them to come now when Buck is injured, Eddie thinks begrudgingly.

"What are you guys doing here?" Maddie practically shouts. She doesn't look happy to see her parents. Eddie notices that everyone is listening intriguingly even though they are pretending not to: Hen, Chim, Bobby, Athena, Karen, and Michael.

It is Bobby's reaction that Eddie finds most interesting, though. Bobby looks at the Buckleys murderously. And Eddie kind of understands. Bobby took in Buck when he was 22, and the two have been family since. Of course Bobby will be furious with the Buckleys.

"We were on our way. We wanted to meet our grandchild. But then we saw the news of the recent bombings and we saw Evan crushed under that truck. We asked around and found out he's here." Buck's dad explains and Eddie guesses that makes sense. He cannot help but notice that Maddie didn't call their parents, especially given the gravity of the situation.

"Oh. Well, we're still waiting for news." Maddie tells them warily. She looks as if she's already stressed having her parents here and Eddie can relate. His parents often stress him the fuck out.

"Oh, that's okay. We're not staying," says Buck's mum. Eddie frowns.

"You're not?"

"You know we're not good with hospitals, Maddie. Just take us to meet our grandchild." Buck's dad nods in solidarity with his wife's request. Something in Eddie snaps. They are not good with hospitals? Who is? He is starting to see why Buck never has nice things to say about his parents because holy shit.  And they want to meet Zoey? Something clenches inside his chest. The thought of these people meeting Zoey without Buck feels wrong.

Maddie shares a panicked look with Bobby. Bobby and Athena step closer.

The 118 are no longer pretending not to be listening to the conversation. Everyone’s attention is on the scene unfolding with the Buckleys.

"Hello, I'm Athena, and this is Bobby. What seems to be the problem here?" Athena's voice demands attention and the Buckleys turn to her, looking guarded. The fact that she hasn't removed her uniform yet makes her seem more intimidating.

Buck's mum ignores Athena and turns to Maddie. "Maddie, no need for the police, tell her we're Evan’s parents and we just want to see our grandchild." She says distastefully, ignoring Athena completely. Eddie sees Athena's jaw clench.

"Well, seeing as we're all here for Buck, I think this concerns us." Athena shoots back unapologetically. Eddie wouldn't want to be the subject of her ire. Bobby is silent besides his fiancé, sizing up the Buckleys curtly.

"We're Evan's parents. This is family matter!"

Okay, Eddie is officially done with these people. He stands up, feeling anger swirl inside him. He has been angry with himself since that night in Buck's house, going over how he had treated his best friend. And now that anger has somewhere to go to. The Buckleys are demanding to be yelled at.

"Buck is family!" Eddie turns to the Buckleys. "You haven't even asked how he is; you just come here and start making demands? You need to le-"

"Family of Evan Buckley?" The doctor cuts him off and then everyone is up, the Buckleys temporarily forgotten.

"It's written here that Bobby Nash is his next of kin?” The doctor looks from the form he is holding and Bobby steps forward.  Eddie sees the Buckleys flinch. Of course they are not Buck’s emergency contact, did they expect to be?

The good news is that Buck is okay. They managed to save his leg, although it will be grueling months of physical therapy. The bad news is that this injury might be career-ending.

Everyone heaves a collective sigh of relief once the doctor has finished speaking. They can also see Buck, two people at a time, although he is currently sleeping, heavily medicated. Maddie ignores her parents, who are still standing there awkwardly, and she and Bobby are the first to go see Buck. No one speaks to the Buckleys until Maddie and Bobby return some minutes later.

Thankfully, Maddie and Chimney leave with the Buckleys not long after. Thank God. Athena and Hen go next, Eddie offering to go last because he has no plans to leave the hospital tonight.

Later, Bobby hugs him as he leaves to go see Zoey –Eddie can tell he is worried the Buckleys will try to see Zoey without Buck’s permission. Bobby tells him he will be back later, and then Eddie is alone. He calls Shannon and speaks with Chris, assuring him that Buck will be fine.

And finally, Eddie enters Buck’s room.

*

Buck looks so small in the hospital bed. If it were not for the elevated leg, Eddie would think he was only sleeping. He drops to the chair opposite Buck and takes both his hands in his. He is the only one left: Bobby has gone with Athena to check on Zoey and ensure the Buckleys don’t try anything tonight, Maddie has gone with the Buckleys to her place and Chim went with her, and Hen, Karen, and Michael already left to check on their kids.

Eddie is not leaving until Buck wakes up. He watches him sleep, counting the slow rise and fall of his chest. He looks so young like this, so…soft. Eddie wants to run his fingers over Buck’s curls and the only reason he doesn’t is because he doesn’t want to wake Buck. The birthmark is darker than usual due to the paleness of his face.

Eddie loves him.

Almost losing Buck awakened him to what is important. Eddie loves Buck and he is not going to waste another second without telling him. He knows that Buck is still mad at him, and deservedly so because Eddie was a grade-A asshole. He doesn’t care how long it takes for Buck to forgive him, he will beg if he has to.

“Eddie?” Eddie must have fallen asleep because he wakes up with a start, and for a moment he is confused about who called his name. But then it clicks to him and he looks up suddenly, his gaze locking with Buck’s. Buck, who looks like he has been awake for a while. Because he is not blinking awake in the confusion that is common with people who have just woken up in the hospital. How long has he been awake? Has he been watching Eddie sleep? The thought makes him flush.

“Buck! Hey.”

“Hey, sleepyhead.” Buck croaks, voice rough from misuse.

“How long have you been awake?”

“Not long. Was just enjoying the sight of you drooling.” Buck jokes.

“I do not drool.” Eddie denies, feeling light. It feels good, joking with Buck like this; like everything is normal. Especially when he remembers how it went the last time they talked.

Buck is quite for a moment, his gaze dropping to his heavily bandaged leg. He starts panicking, his breathing getting heavy. Eddie grips his shoulder gently.

“Hey, Buck. Easy, easy. It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay.”

“Is it?” Buck asks in a small voice, gaze still locked on his leg. Eddie cannot imagine the things that must be running through his head right now.

“Did you speak to the doctor? Did he say how the surgery went?” Buck continues, voice still panicked.

“Just that you made it through. And you’re now the proud owner of one titanium rod and four beautifully cobalt-chromed screws.”

“Were you hoping for something else?” Eddie jokes when he notices that Buck hasn’t lost that panicked expression. “You’ll walk again, you know?”

“Yeah the doctor was pretty confident about that before I was wheeled in. He just wasn’t sure if I’ll work again.” And, oh. He hadn’t even thought about that, too focused on Buck being alive and okay. And Eddie has never met someone more passionate about his job than Buck, so he gets why this would be the main thing in his mind.

“Okay, I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that it will be alright. But I don’t think you need to be borrowing trouble yet. Buck, we thought you were dead,” Eddie can feel himself getting choked up at the thought. “We didn’t know if you will be ever alright again. I don’t know what I would have done if…”

Shit, he is supposed to be comforting Buck, but here he is, crying. He wipes his eyes quickly, willing himself to be cool.

“I’m sorry I worried you.” Buck tells him.

“Please don’t be sorry. It wasn’t your fault. None of this was your fault, okay? I am just glad you’re okay. Me and everyone else.”

“Oh my God!” Buck suddenly exclaims, panicked. “Where is Zoey? Is she okay?”

“Hey, she is okay. You haven’t been gone that long; she just thinks you are working a long shift. She is with Bobby and Athena. I actually just got off the phone with her, I’ve been checking in. She is okay, I promise.” Eddie assures him, and then groans internally when he remembers what else Buck has missed. Fuck, his parents are here.

“Thank you. For checking on her.” Buck tells him gratefully.

“Of course.”

“Buck,” Eddie breaks the somewhat comfortable silence, and Buck turns to him. “I know now is not the right time, but I am so sorry. I have been very confused lately, and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I had a pretty big revelation lately that cleared everything up, but I still should have been kinder. I shouldn’t have yelled at you that night and –”

“Revelation?” Buck interrupts.  Eddie inhales deeply.  He can do this. He has only ever said it to one person, a few days ago. Buck is still his best friend.

“I am gay.” He says, and something heals inside him, saying it to Buck. This somehow feels more meaningful than saying it to Shannon. Maybe because he hopes that Buck still loves him. That he still wants to be with Eddie after everything he made him go through.

“What?” Buck’s eyes are wide.

“I am gay.” It’s easier, saying it the second time.

“Oh.” Buck’s voice is small, but hopeful. “But what about Shannon? I thought you were getting back together, being a family again?”

“Yeah. When I told you I’ve been confused, I meant it. When Shannon came back, I thought I owed it to myself to try again, you know? Especially because Chris was so happy to have his mum back. But everything felt so wrong, we fought all the time, and I constantly felt like I was performing. Like we were both putting on a performance. And all this was compounded by the fact that I already had feelings for someone else, even though I didn’t understand it because I thought I was straight.”

“You did?” Buck is looking at him hopefully and meaningfully, his eyes shining with so much love. Eddie takes his hands in his and smiles.

“Oh yeah. This wonderful guy with a very cute daughter. The happiest moments of my life were the time spent together, the four of us. Like a family.”

“Mine too,” Buck whispers.

“So when Shannon came back, I was still battling my messed up feelings, plus dealing with the fact that everything I knew about myself was wrong. So I figured since Shannon was still my wife, I had to try, right? But we talked, and funny enough, I think we are in a better place than we have ever been now that we were honest with each other.”

“So Shannon…knows? What about the baby?” Oh, right, he never got around to telling Buck that Shannon wasn’t actually pregnant. Buck must have been hurting so much because of him. Eddie is hit with a pang of guilt for how much he hurt Buck.

“She knows. She was the first person I told about being gay. And it was only a scare, she is not pregnant.”

“Oh.” Buck breathes in relief.

“Yeah. We-uh. We are getting a divorce. And since she got a job in San Diego, we will make a custody arrangement for Chris. Maybe she could have him over the holiday and some weekends.” Buck nods in understanding.

“Eddie?” Buck calls him after a few minutes of comfortable silence. “Thanks for telling me. I am proud of you.”

“Thank you, Buck. Can you forgive me for being a dick?”

“Done.”

“Can I kiss you now?” He asks, heart racing in anticipation.  Buck’s face turns a bright shade of red, even as he nods.

Still holding his hands, Eddie leans in and connects his lips to Buck’s. Fireworks explode in his brain. Buck’s lips are soft and warm and the best thing Eddie has ever tasted. Kissing Buck feels like coming home, finally. He pulls away after a moment, shocked at the new and amazing sensations that kissing Buck brings. They stare into each other’s eyes, and then their lips connect again, more forcefully this time.  Desire burns inside him, feeling heat pool in his belly as their lips dance against each other. And then Buck’s tongue finds his own and Eddie moans in pleasure. Holy shit.

“I really am gay,” he breathes, pulling away.

Buck laughs, a beautiful sound that makes Eddie just want to kiss him again. “That good?” He teases, his eyes sparkling. The sight is a wonderful contrast from moments ago when he was asking if he would ever work again.

“Shut up.”

“Hey, come back here.” Buck demands, and what can Eddie do but heed to the command? He dives back in, starting with feather light kisses that soon turn into a smash of heat and hunger, their mouths meeting hungrily, as if seeking air. Soon, their tongues join the dance as their mouths lock desperately, igniting each of his nerve endings. Eddie feels as if he has been living in a fog that has suddenly melted, Buck’s lips sending a delicious ache inside his chest. Kissing has never felt like this.

They are so wrapped in each other that it takes a moment for Eddie to register the door to the small room opening and someone clearing their throat.

Eddie almost stumbles as he pulls away and turns toward the entrance, coming face to face with Bobby, who is smirking at them.

“Pops!”

“Bobby!”

He and Buck call out at the same time, sounding breathless.

“Hello Boys. Did I interrupt something?”

“Uh-nope.” Buck says unconvincingly. Eddie doesn’t respond, but he feels himself flush. He has just been caught by Buck’s dad, making out with his son. He is mortified.

“Buck, I am so happy to see you’re awake.” Bobby must decide to ignore what he just walked on, moving closer to Buck’s side and wrapping him in a hug.

“How is Zoey? Can I see her? What did you tell her?” Buck asks the questions in rapid succession.

“Zoey is great. She misses you, but I told her you got hurt a little and are getting some help from the doctor. She really wants to come see you, but I wanted to check in with you first.”

“Yeah, I want to see her. I miss her.” Buck says.

“Okay. I’ll talk with Athena and we’ll bring her here later, okay?” Bobby says, and Buck frowns.

“Uh-where is Maddie?”

“Buck…” Eddie exchanges a look with Bobby.

“There is something else, right?” Buck looks from Bobby to Eddie.

Bobby turns to him, “You didn’t tell him?”

“Tell me what?” Buck asks, sounding confused.

“Your parents are here,” Bobby tells him gently, as he if doesn’t want to spook Buck. “They arrived when we were waiting for news about your surgery. They wanted to see Zoey, but Athena managed to hold them off.”

Eddie watches, concerned, as Buck’s expression shatters. His jaw clenches, and he looks like he wants to run from the hospital and get his daughter.

“Where-where are they?” He asks, his voice sounding small. Eddie takes his hands, hoping to offer him a bit of comfort.

“Maddie is with them. But I’m sure she won’t be able to keep them away for long. How do you want to play this? You know I am on your side, whatever you decide.” Bobby tells him earnestly.

“Me too.” Eddie adds. He has a feeling that the Buckleys are bad news. Especially if this is how stressed they have made Buck, and he hasn’t even seen them yet.

“Honestly, I don’t know. A big part of me wants to tell them off. But the other part wants to hear what they have to say.” Buck says, finally. Eddie can understand toying the line between wanting his parents’ support and wanting to get as far away from them as possible. He has lived with it his entire life.

“Athena had an idea. That we invite them for dinner once you are released from the hospital to celebrate your return.  That way, everyone will be there.” For backup, Bobby doesn’t say but Eddie hears it anyway.

Eddie thinks that is an excellent idea. If the Buckleys misbehave, Buck will have everyone to offer him support. Eddie looks at Buck to find that he is already nodding.

“I think that’s a good idea. I’ll honestly feel better with you two and Maddie plus everyone else there.”

“I’ll call Athena and tell her.” Bobby stands to go make the call. “Oh and. I am happy for you, son. Both of you.” He gives them a meaningful look, then turns to leave.

“Why didn’t you tell me? About my parents?” Eddie is glad to note that Buck doesn’t look hurt, just curious.

“I was honestly so happy to see you up and well that they slipped my mind. Plus, you know, the whole kissing thing.”

“That was pretty amazing, huh?”

“It was. Does that mean you want to do it again?”

“Eddie, I never want to stop kissing you.”

Eddie smiles and leans in for another earth-shattering kiss. Honestly, Eddie never wants to stop kissing Buck either. Turns out that kissing guys, or this guy in particular, is pretty amazing.

Chapter Text

The doctors insist that Buck stay in the hospital for four more days for monitoring. It has been a grueling five days filled with doctor visits, rounds of pain medication, especially at night, and not leaving the bed the entire time except when he has to be helped to the bathroom or to shower. His leg feels heavy, and Buck wonders how long it will be until they remove this stupid cast off.

In addition to everything, his parents are still lurking around. Although thanks to their aversion to hospitals, Buck has not seen them yet. Silver linings, and all that.

His room has also seen a stream of visitors every day, so Buck admits begrudgingly that it has not been all that bad. Bobby is still not working as they wrap up their investigation on him, and Chimney is still captain. Another silver lining: not being subjected to Captain Han’s brand of misguided leadership. This means that Bobby has been his most consistent visitor, and better yet, he has been able to bring Zoey with each visit.

His daughter cried the first time she saw him in the hospital and refused to leave until Eddie convinced her that if she left, Buck would get better quicker. She has been putting on a brave face for him and Buck is so proud to be her dad. Though he makes a mental note to be careful in the future so that he doesn’t worry her like this again.  Zoey has also enjoyed signing all kinds of figure-stick art on his cast. Actually, his cast is full of drawings from Zoey and Chris, who have taken artistic license and made it their canvas.

Shannon even came over once when Eddie was at work, bringing Chris, and they had a very civil conversation with no hard feelings. Apparently, she knows about Eddie and Buck and is just glad that she and Eddie are finally honest with each other. Friends, even. He hates that she is leaving soon, but he has a feeling he will be seeing her around on holidays and special occasions.

Maddie has also been coming over every day, though Buck can tell she is very stressed about having to host their parents. The good thing is that his parents decided to explore L.A. during the day, because apparently they decided to come for a long vacation here. So Maddie only has to deal with them in the evenings when they go back to her place from wherever to spend the night. Thankfully, their parents agreed to wait until Buck is out of the hospital to see Zoey. Unfortunately, Maddie has to put up with their complaints about not being able to see their grandkid yet. They agreed to Athena’s idea of a family diner, which is happening this weekend. 

The best part about everything, however, has been Eddie. Since Eddie kissed him a few days ago, their relationship took a turn, and they easily graduated from best friends to boyfriends.

Kissing Eddie is the best part of his day, and has made this whole hospital stay a million times better. Eddie hasn’t gotten many opportunities to visit due to work but whenever he does, the first thing is kiss Buck senselessly, making him forget his own name sometimes. Eddie is an amazing kisser. Or the right person to kiss, finally, because none of his previous relationships ever felt this…complete. Perfect.

When Buck is released from the hospital, there is a lot of discussion over where he will stay. Bobby and Athena insist he goes to their place, but they have May and Harry and not enough rooms for Buck and Zoey. Maddie offers, but her house is out because 1) the stairs, and 2) his parents are still lurking around. So that leaves Eddie as the better option. But while Eddie’s house is accessible because of Chris, it is not big enough to house both Buck and Zoey –because where he goes, his daughter goes. So they agree that Eddie and Chris will temporarily move in with Buck at his house. This way, both Chris and Zoey each get their own rooms. Plus Buck’s place is also accessible for Chris and has no stairs.

So on the fifth day, Eddie and Chris move in with Buck (Buck doesn’t plan for them to ever move out, though he hasn’t told Eddie that yet –they just got together, no need to scare the guy).

Learning to walk with crutches sucks, and Buck has newfound respect for Chris because holy shit. The little man is the bravest person Buck has ever met. Every time he thinks of complaining, his mind drifts to Chris, always smiling and jovial and never letting his CP derail him. Why should Buck, a 25-year old man, complain when Chris won’t? Plus the joy in Chris’ face when he realizes that they are matching is priceless. Though this makes Zoey jealous, sometimes, even going so far as demanding her own crutches. Buck had been horrified at the thought of his daughter injured like that, and had left Eddie to deal with talking her out of it.

*

One of the worst things about having an injured leg, apart from the fact that his own daughter had to be careful around him, not running to hug him like she usually did, is that he and Eddie cannot take their relationship to the next level yet. Eddie is always so careful not to accidentally topple him whenever they are making out. It had actually taken Buck almost begging to convince Eddie not to take the couch and to share his bed. Thankfully, his bed is big enough for the two of them plus the space his leg takes nowadays.

Having his leg casted up to the knee is very uncomfortable. It feels heavy all the time, and sometimes he just wants to rip out the cast and scratch inside of it because of the prickly itchy sensation. Sometimes, it takes him a long time to find a comfortable position to sleep and even then, the hours he sleeps are sporadic.

He is very grateful for his boyfriend (he still cannot believe that Eddie is now his boyfriend), who has been unwaveringly patient with him. Always waiting with the pain medications because he seems to have a sixth sense when it comes to Buck’s pain, or getting up early to make Zoey and Chris breakfast without Buck having to wake up, or helping him hobble from room to room when it became too difficult.

What would Buck do without him?

Buck has been back home from the hospital for two days. Eddie was with him the whole of yesterday, and Bobby came much later though he had to leave later to go to the station to sign the reinstatement papers. Apparently, his heroic actions with the whole Freddie mess made the brass reinstate him back to captaincy. Buck is happy for him, truly. He can tell Bobby has been going insane at home with nothing to do apart from look at wedding venues.

Bobby and Athena promised to wait a few months to have the wedding so that his leg would be free of the cast and so that Buck could wear a suit comfortably. And thank God for that, because there is no way Buck was missing the wedding.

Anyway, it’s the first time Buck is alone in the house, with everyone else back to work or school or daycare. He wanted to spend the day with Zoey, but agreed with Eddie that he was in no position to run after her in the house with his injury. 

He is supposed to be free of visitors today, so he is very confused by the insistent knocking on his front door.

He hobbles slowly toward the entrance, wondering who it could be. Maybe Carla? Eddie had mentioned that she might come over later to check on him.

*

To say Buck is stunned speechless when he opens the door to find his parents on the other side is an understatement. He can feel blood drain from his face in shock, his heart beating wildly in his chest. Shit. Why does he suddenly feel like he is twelve years old, about to be scolded? Why does this feel like an ambush?

They knew Maddie and everyone else would be at work, so they timed their ambush perfectly. He can’t even give the excuse that he was about to leave because he is still in his sleep shorts. Looking at him, it is plain that he isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Fuck.

“Well, this is a-uh nice place you have got. At least it looks functional.” His mum says, the words seemingly pulled out from her reluctantly.

“Yeah, I didn’t know firefighters got paid that much to be able to afford…this.” His dad agrees, looking around. He isn’t about to tell them that he can actually afford it, thanks to Angela. He says nothing, a feeling of dread coiling inside him. He wishes he hadn’t left his phone in his room, because he has the urge to send an SOS text to Eddie. 

“We don’t. It’s just –”

“Where is she?” His mum cuts him off impatiently. Of course they knew he had a daughter, they have been spending at Maddie’s these past few days.

“Daycare.” Buck says slowly.

“Okay, which one? And why does it feel that you’re keeping our grandchild from us?” His mum practically yells.

“I’m not! I was in the hospital these last few days, as you know.” Plus I didn’t really want you to meet her without me there, Buck doesn’t add. He is so glad Zoey is at daycare today. He will have to remember to kiss Eddie senselessly when he comes back in the evening –his shift today is a short one. Buck is feeling uneasy, having his parents here. He keeps looking toward the door, wishing Carla would choose now to check on him. He doesn’t remember the last time he was alone with his parents, and they must be realizing it too, because they also look uncomfortable.

“Just tell us which daycare, and then we can go see her.” His mum insists.

“You two are not on the approved list of people who can pick her, so you won’t be allowed to see her.”

“We are her grandparents, Evan! We only want what is best for her. Honestly, the fact that you are comfortable leaving her with strangers is already concerning.” Buck wills himself to breathe deeply, so that he doesn’t snap.

“It’s not –”

“And who is on the list? You can put us there, or call them and tell them we’re coming.” Says Philip, sounding very impatient. Well, he could. But he won’t. Absolutely not. And he is getting tired of standing, so he hobbles over to the couch, knowing that his parents will follow.

“Look. I am tired and my leg is starting to hurt. You will see Zoey tomorrow at dinner, I promise.” He cannot help but notice how they studiously avoid looking at his leg. They have yet to ask how he is doing. Buck shouldn’t be hurt that his parents only seem to be interested in Zoey and not him, but he is.

“We knew this job was too dangerous. Look what happened! And now you cannot even look after your own child properly!” His mum says, finally looking at his leg distastefully.

“You’re a dad now, Evan. You cannot keep being this reckless.” His dad adds before Buck can say anything.

Buck doesn’t say all that he wants to say, feeling choked all of a sudden. His parents have a way of making him feel small. And now here they are, questioning his ability to be a good dad.

“It was an accident. No one could have foreseen this.” He explains, feeling as if he is talking to his three year old, especially when she asks questions that are too difficult to explain to a child. This morning, before Eddie went with her to drop her off at daycare, she asked Buck the dreaded where do babies come from question, and if she could have her own baby. “Eddie will tell you,” he had told her in panic, earning him a glare from his boyfriend.

They ignore him, because of course they do. “Just when is she supposed to be back from daycare? I suppose that’s one way to avoid responsibility.” Margaret says, still looking around. Her gaze is caught on the picture of Zoey smiling widely, taken on her second birthday. In the picture, she has a purple princess crown and is smiling at the camera.

“She is at daycare because she’s three, not because I don’t want to be with her!” Buck snaps, suddenly tired of this conversation. If feels like they are going round and round in circles.

“Do not yell at your mother!” His dad points at him disapprovingly. That is one thing that hasn’t changed, at least. Their parents loving and supporting each other more than they ever cared for their children.

“Can you please leave?” He requests finally, a lump in his throat.

“Evan –”

“It’s Buck. You know I go by Buck now.”

“You still haven’t grown out of that childish name?” His dad shakes his head.

“I –”

And then his mum schools her expression and smiles, although it looks fake. She approaches him, looking gentler than he has ever seen her. She puts both her hands on his cheeks, looking at him intently. The touch makes him nauseated. This doesn’t not feel maternal, like when Athena holds him. It feels…

“Oh, Evan,” she starts, voice low. “We’re here now. We understand that raising a child is too much, that it can be overwhelming.  We’re here to help you, okay? Your father and I talked, and we’re willing to take her off your hands if it is too much.” And…what the fuck?

Buck opens his mouth and closes it, dumbfounded. Words fail him.

“Yeah,” Philip nods. “We accept the dinner invitation at your captain’s tomorrow, so we can meet her. And then we’ll talk. Though we don’t understand why you’re letting another man into family matters. We’ll see you tomorrow, Evan.”

With one last glance in his direction, his parents turn and leave, as if they were never here at all. As if their words haven’t completely shattered him, like a storm that breaks everything in its path and is gone as quickly as it appeared.  They have no idea of the carnage their words have left behind. Buck swears the air vibrates from the shock of their words. Holy shit. They are willing to take Zoey off his hands? Are they kidding him right now?

And suddenly, Buck feels something else other than the sadness and confusion he has been feeling ever since he learned his parents were coming. He aches with rage.

All of a sudden, there is a rising firestorm inside him, destroying every rational thought in its path and only leaving raw fury in its wake.

He no longer wants his parents’ love. Or attention. Or whatever he had been hoping to get from them.

He doesn’t feel hopeful that they will change and maybe start loving him. The veil has been lifted, and Buck sees his parents for the assholes they really are. Because Buck is a dad now, and he knows that never in a million years will he treat Zoey the way his parents have been treating him all his life. Like he is something to tolerate, to put up with. Like looking or thinking about him just stresses them out. Like he was the biggest mistake they have ever made.

The anger is loud, swirling in his brain and leaving him breathing heavily, not really seeing anything.

Holy shit, his parents are awful, awful people.

They never once asked about his leg.

They never actually came to see him in the hospital.

The only reason they are here is because somehow, they got wind of the fact that Buck actually kept the baby they clearly told him to give up, and for some reason, they are ready to play happy grandparents.

Where the fuck were they the last three years and a half?

When Buck was sleeping in the car? When he almost lost his chance to be a dad?

Holy shit.

His parents are assholes. Why did Buck never realize this?

He remembers once when he was eight, waiting to be picked up from school, watching as the hours passed, daylight gradually bleeding into night. Giving up around seven and walking home alone in the dark, and when he got home, his parents didn’t even spare him a glance. Because they completely forgot about him. And it was not one time.

Holy shit, how has he lived all those years and not realized his parents were assholes? Maybe because he knows from Bobby what real parental love feels like. Buck is sure that there is nothing he can do that would make Bobby stop loving him. Bobby has actually told him he loves him many times before; he has never heard those words from his parents. Have they ever loved him or Maddie?

And they have the audacity to march in here and demand to see his daughter? Well, Buck is no longer plagued by indecision. He is no longer confused over whether to let them in his daughter’s life or not.

Because Zoey already has a good life. He knows he has insecurities a mile deep, but he can admit that he has given Zoey a good life. Angela ensured that she will never lack financially. Through Bobby, Buck gave her a loving grandparent (or grandparents, when you count Athena). She has Maddie. Eddie and Chris. Chim and Hen and Karen. She actually has so many people who adore and love her, and would be willing to step up if something were to happen to Buck. Buck is sure his relationship with Eddie is it. So that means Zoey already has a sibling in Chris. She may not have a perfect life, but it is a good life. Surrounded by loving family. Why the hell did he ever think he needs his parents?

Buck bitterly remembers that had he followed his parents’ advice, he would not have met Zoey. Holy shit, his parents actually advised him to give her up. Did they forget?

Buck can feel the anger building up and rising again. It coils inside him like smoke, threatening to choke him, but Buck holds on to it. He is no longer dreading dinner with his parents tomorrow. He burns with the anger, feeling it rising and rising and instead of releasing it, he holds it close. It sits in his chest, waiting patiently. Tomorrow, he decides, his awful parents will get a taste of that anger.

Bring it on.

*

“Eddie!” Zoey runs to him immediately she sees him, and Eddie feels pride well inside him at the way she is seemingly happy to see him. He had a shorter shift today, and had promised that he will pick Zoey up from daycare to save Buck the trouble with his hurt leg. He hugs and spins her around, making her giggle.

“How are you, mija?”

“Good! Chris?” She asks, because of course. Chris is her favorite.

“We’re going to pick him up at his school.”

“School!” She giggles. She loves school drop offs and pickups, although it gets hard sometimes to convince her to leave Chris in the morning.

Living with Buck has been a pleasant experience.  Buck, his boyfriend. Because they are a couple now. They have only been together a few days, but Eddie has enjoyed every moment of it. Especially because he cannot get enough of kissing Buck, spending every spare moment making out. They haven’t taken it further due to Buck’s injury, but Eddie is okay with taking it slow. Although he often finds himself fantasizing about what sex with Buck will feel like, especially if the way making out with the guy feels is any indication.

He buckles her up in her car seat and listens attentively as she tells him about her day and drives towards Durand to pick up Chris. When they get there, Chris is overjoyed to see Zoey –he has loved staying with her and Buck, and Eddie is already starting to think of them as siblings. Another great benefit of living with Buck is that the house is much nearer the station than his house in South Bedford.        

“Hey honey, I’m home!” Eddie calls out jokingly, opening the door with his key (it has a pink key chain that Buck claims Zoey picked). He opens the door wide for Zoey to get in first, then Chris.

“Daddy?” Zoey calls loudly.  

“Here!” Buck calls from the living room, and Eddie turns in time to see Zoey running excitedly to her dad, carefully avoiding his injured leg as he lifts her up and hugs her. Buck is seated on the couch, some documentary about sharks playing, and the sight is enough to make Eddie’s heart skip a beat.

“Hello, my sweatpea,” Buck holds Zoey tight, one hand held wide open for Chris, who is slowly making his way to him, smiling.   

“Buck!” Chris calls when he reaches him.

“Hi, little man,” and then Buck hugs both kids to him, his grin an embodiment of literal sunlight. Buck looks…happy. Surprisingly so. Honestly, Eddie had expected the man to be crawling out of his own skin in frustration and boredom, but that is apparently not the case. Something must have happened to lift his mood.

Eddie leans against the door, setting Chris’ clutches down and just…watching the sight before him. He is sure there is a stupid smile on his face as he watches them, but can anyone blame him? Watching Buck oh so patiently listen to the kids as they tell him about their day is something he could get used to.

Both Zoey and Chris are highly competitive, and they stumble over their words as they regale Buck with the day’s happenings. Buck is patient as ever as he asks follow up questions and oh’s and ah’s at the right places. Both kids are seated on his lap, careful to avoid the casted leg, and Buck looks so…content.  Eddie is filled with so much love for him.

There is something relaxed in Buck’s expression. He looks as if he has let go of a big weight that was crushing him. His eyes, as he interacts with the kids, crinkle with joy, and his whole face lights up. Happiness looks good on him. Watching him, it is hard to believe that Buck was crushed by a whole ladder truck less than a week ago.

“Aren’t you gonna say hi?” Buck’s words bring him from his stupor, and he turns to find Buck watching him, wearing a soft smile. Eddie smiles back and walks toward the couch in three big steps.

“Zoe, Chris, please close your eyes.” He warns the kids and then he takes Buck’s face in his hands and connects their lips in a slow but passionate kiss. He hears Chris and Zoey cooing but ignores them, deepening the kiss and feeling Buck smile.

“No kissies!” Zoey exclaims, making them break apart. Eddie is about to open his mouth when she starts giggling, then continues,

“I want kiss too!” and then she first kisses Chris sloppily on the nose, causing him to yell “ew!” loudly, then she covers Eddie with a big sloppy kiss on the cheek and finally, she kisses Buck on the nose, leaving a wet trail of saliva behind.

Eddie and Buck laughs at her antics, and Eddie feel more content that he has ever felt his entire life.

“You guys are so weird. I need therapy.” Chris sasses, but he is also giggling at them. They told him about them a few days ago in the hospital, and Chris had been overjoyed. “Does that mean Buck and Zoey will live with us now?” he had asked, sounding excited at the prospect. Granted, Chris is very happy that they have temporarily moved in with Buck and Zoey (Though Eddie hopes it will be permanent). 

“What has got you looking so happy?” Eddie asks Buck once the kids have gone to play in what is now Chris’ room. “I honestly expected to find Grumpy Buck.”

“My parents came over.” Buck says, the happy façade almost dropping because Eddie swears for a moment that he saw his jaw clench in anger. Also, Eddie is confused. Having the Buckleys around has been one of the biggest sources of stress for his boyfriend lately. And now…

“I’m confused.” He admits.

“I finally realized that they are awful people, and I am done trying to please them or get their attention. They said that they are willing to step up if raising Zoey is too hard for me. Can you believe it?”

Eddie feels a rush of anger, because what the hell? “Yeah, I know.” Buck continues, “It made me realize that I don’t need them in my life. I have you and Bobby and Maddie and everyone else. That’s why I am happy, I guess. Because I have decided that tomorrow’s dinner is the last time I see them.  I don’t want them in mine or Zoey’s life.” Eddie just stares at him in awe, because wow. 

“Wow. I am so proud of you.” He wishes he could adopt the same attitude towards his parents.

“Thanks,” Buck says, and then leans in to kiss him. Seriously, making out with his boyfriend is the best thing ever. He holds him tighter, also feeling sudden anger for Buck’s parents. How dare they imply that Buck is nothing less than a great dad?

“I really don’t like your parents.” He says, pulling away.

“Were you seriously thinking about my parents while I’m kissing you?”

“No?”

“You’re lucky I love you.” Buck says and freezes, wearing a deer-caught-in-headlights expression. “I-uh, I mean…” His boyfriend stammers. Eddie is so happy, feeling drunk on the simple beauty of this moment. He knew Buck loved him, but hearing the words is something else entirely. He feels every cell in his body ignite in delight.

“Buck,” he interrupts his boyfriend’s spiral. “I love you, too.”

He watches as Buck’s whole face lights up in joy.

Chapter Text

“It’s okay to be nervous.”

“I am not nervous.” Bobby turns to Athena, not willing to admit that she is right. She just raises her perfect eyebrows and scoffs. She doesn’t believe his words for a second.

“Whatever you want to tell yourself baby.” She pats him on the back, sipping at her white wine as she watches him meticulously cut the onions. Okay fine, he is nervous. But who can blame him?

He is meeting Buck’s parents officially today. His less-than-pleasant feelings for them aside, he is worried about how their being here will impact Buck and Zoey. And Maddie. Buck has the biggest heart of everyone he knows, and Bobby knows he is willing to let them back in his life despite how they have treated him in the past. He can never forget that those same parents once told Buck to abandon his baby. Because to them, Buck could not handle fatherhood. All Buck had needed back then was a little support, because he is a really great dad. These people do not know Buck like he does, which astounds him because how could they spend even a minute with Buck and still not treat him right?

Okay, Athena is definitely right. He is nervous. They still have a few hours to go before their backyard will become crowded with the 118 and their kids and the Buckleys. He prays that they will somehow leave early so that they can enjoy the gathering in peace.

He is preparing the ingredients while he waits for Buck, who offered to come earlier so that they can cook together. Bobby tried to talk him out of it because of his leg but Buck was insistent that it would be fine, as long as he didn’t move around the kitchen. Bobby plans to keep a close eye on him anyway. His heart clenches as it always does whenever he is reminded of how close Buck came. Sometimes when he closes his eyes, he can hear the sound of the kid screaming under the ladder truck sometimes.

He also plans to give Buck minor tasks in the kitchen. Take that, Philip Buckley. Bobby can guess that the man has never done any father-son bonding stuff with Buck. And speaking of the devil, Bobby hears the knock and then,

“Nana!” Comes Zoe’s excited voice. He can imagine the smile his fiancée is currently wearing, because like him, she enjoys being recognized by Zoe as her official grandma.

“Hey baby, I missed you!” He hears Athena’s voice, and from the kitchen, Bobby imagines that she is hugging Zoe close.

“Hey Athena,” Chris greets, and then Bobby hears Buck and of course Eddie, offer their greetings. He is very happy that the two of them sorted their issues and got together. He knows that his kid is happier than ever. Well, leg injury aside.

Bobby figures he has eavesdropped enough and comes out of the kitchen. Zoe rushes to him as she always does whenever she sees him, and Bobby will never get tired of the warm feeling her love gives him. Chris hugs him, and then he is off to Harry’s room, where he and Denny are playing video games (Hen had dropped Denny off earlier and went back).

Zoe and Athena soon disappear off and Bobby is left with Buck and Eddie. After hugging them both, he turns to go back to the kitchen but stops when he hears Eddie’s voice.

“Well, I better be off. I’ll see you later, okay?” Eddie tells Buck, giving him a quick kiss.

“You’re leaving?” Bobby asks.

“Uh-yeah. I’ll be back on time, I promise. I promised Shannon I’ll take her to the airport.” Eddie explains. Bobby is glad he and his ex-wife are in affable terms despite their recent breakup.

“Okay, don’t be late.”

“Don’t let him overtax himself,” Eddie tells him, making Buck scoff. And then he is off.

“Any pain?” He feels the need to ask.

“Come on, Pops. I’m fine, I promise. And I will tell you if my leg starts hurting.” He adds, probably guessing what Bobby wanted to add.

“Alright.” He acquiesces. Buck even agrees to the wheelchair that he and Eddie brought, and this makes it easier to elevate his leg and work while seated.

They work seamlessly, Bobby doing most of the heavy lifting since Buck has to remain seated the entire time. They talk mostly about his return to work, Buck’s upcoming physical therapy starting next week, and his new relationship with Eddie. They don’t drift off to the heavy topics, namely, the Buckleys. And though he is worried about what the evening will bring, he is enjoying this tranquil moment between them. Just a father and his son, preparing a meal for the guests.

“I was thinking of asking Eddie and Chris to move in officially,” Buck mentions at some point, “do you think it’s too soon?”

Bobby smiles. That would actually be the perfect plan. “You love him, right?”

“With everything in me.”

“Then when you know you know. Your injury right now is proof that life is short and unpredictable. If he makes you happy, and is good with Zoey, I think you should go for it.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re right. Hope he will say yes.”

“Something tells me that he will.”

*

Around 4 pm is when the Calvary starts arriving.

Hen and Karen are the first ones, and they come carrying wine and pie. Chimney is next, and Bobby guesses the reason he didn’t come with Maddie is because of her parents. Athena, Zoey, and May then join the group, and Bobby notes that Zoe is in new clothes: a bright blue dress, matching coat, and beanie to protect her from the chilly weather. Buck scoffs good-naturally, because the change of clothes for Zoe is a dig at his poor fashion. Eddie arrives next, and that only leaves Maddie and the Buckleys.

The knock comes a few minutes later and Athena, sans Zoe, goes to open it to reveal Maddie, holding a bottle of red wine. Her parents are behind her. She looks incredibly stressed. He spares Buck a glance to see that the kid has a surprisingly blank expression.

Bobby joins Athena in welcoming the Buckleys, and they both smile courteously at him. Bobby sighs. He already feels tired playing host to these people. He cannot imagine how Maddie and Buck must be feeling.

Bobby is directing the Buckleys to their seats when,

“Granpa, look!” Zoe shouts, running toward him to probably show him something she is holding in her tiny fist.

The thing is, though, that Bobby is standing next to the Buckleys. In his peripheral, he sees Philip smile. Wait, does the man think that Zoey is running to him? His heart starts racing, palms sweaty, as his confidence starts wavering suddenly, a tiny shadow of uncertainty planting itself in his mind. As he watches the little girl run, as if in slow motion, he is aware that the conversation around the table has stopped and everyone is somehow looking at him and the Buckleys. Gossips, those.

But then Zoey crushes her tiny form against his legs, hands already up, knowing he will bend down to pick her up. The Buckleys are momentarily forgotten as he does just that. He feels smug, somehow.  Of course he is her grandpa. Take that, Philip.

“See!” Zoe tells him impatiently, palm open to reveal what looks to be a pink key chain, and then she starts telling him stories and he forgets everything else as he listens.

And then someone coughs and Bobby looks from the toddler in his arms to the Buckleys, who are wearing murderous expressions.

“Hey Zoe,” Buck is suddenly there, Eddie pushing him in the wheelchair. At least he saves Bobby from the awkwardness. He holds out his hands to take her from Bobby, sharing a loaded look with him. Right, he wants to officially introduce her. The transfer goes smoothly, Zoe easily wrapping her tiny arms around Buck’s neck.

Buck turns to his parents, who are staring down at him and the wheelchair as if they had forgotten he was injured. “Mum, dad, this is my daughter, Zoey Brooke.”Buck’s tone is flat as he turns to the Buckleys. Bobby wonders what is going on in Buck’s head. He had expected the kid to exemplify anxiety and stress at seeing his parents, not this…non-reaction.

Margaret bends a little and holds out her hands with a large smile that actually seems genuine. Philip is staring and Zoe appraisingly. Bobby wonders if he is shocked at the way Zoey and her dad look like a mirror image of each other. Is he remembering Buck as a child?

“Hi, sweetheart,” Margaret coos, impatiently motioning for Buck to release Zoe so that she can hold him.

Zoe, however, hides her face in Buck’s neck, a move that is surprising because she is not normally shy. Bobby almost feels bad for the Buckley matriarch. Almost being the key word, because he notices how Margaret looks at Buck disapprovingly, as if it is his fault his daughter doesn’t want to meet her.

“Evan, can you tell her to stop hiding?” Says Philip Buckley, also looking like he wants to ho hold Zoe.

“No.” Buck’s short, one word answer surprises Bobby, and he turns to stare at the kid. Philip almost trips in shock from the curt response. Damn.

“Alright, why don’t we settle down?” Athena breaks the awkward silence, and Bobby notices that she also looks smug.  Even Maddie, who has been silent all this time, looks like she is holding back an amused smile at the way Margaret’s expression changes from innocent to murderous within minutes. He doesn’t know what’s up with Buck, but he likes the resolve.

Everyone settles around the round table.

Due to his casted leg, Buck stays on the wheelchair on one side of the table, Eddie to his right and Maddie to his left. Athena sits on the opposite end and Bobby is next to her on her left while Chimney is on her right. On the middle of the table are Margaret and Philip on one side, while Karen and Hen sit directly opposite them on the other side. It is an…interesting arrangement.

Athena and Bobby serve dinner, and then the dining table comes alive as bowls are passed around. Bobby notices that no one misses out on the roasted chicken. Buck always tells him that his roasted chicken is the best, and he is proud to see that everyone shares the sentiment.

It is silent for a few minutes, only the sound of plates clacking and mouths chewing to be heard. The kids insisted on eating away from the ‘boring’ adult table and they all went to Harry’s room. Zoe, of course, insisted on joining the boys, and May, bless her soul, offered to go with them. (Margaret had watched her leave, opening her mouth as if to protest but deciding against it. The hypercritical expression doesn’t leave her face).

Philip and Margaret Buckley are on their best behavior, or they are waiting for the meal to be done? Because –

“So, Evan,” starts Margaret, and never mind. First, she asks about his job, but Buck has suddenly become mute. He ignores her completely. Everyone, except Eddie, seems confused. She throws a couple more questions at Buck, who just continues chewing, expression blank.

It forces the Buckleys to focus on Maddie, and Bobby feels for her.

Just what is Buck doing? And when the small talk runs out, everybody goes back to their food. A somewhat tense silence has blanketed the dinner table, and Bobby knows it won’t be long before chaos reigns.

*

The dinner has been going well so far, albeit awkward, because it is clear that everyone is avoiding any heavy topics. But Bobby should have known the cordial mood wouldn’t last, especially when they start talking about their children. It starts innocently enough, with Hen and Karen complaining about how much time Denny spends on video games.

“Kids these days are missing out. Like do kids even climb trees anymore? Or swim in the rivers?” Chimney asks amusedly, and the conversation goes like that, everyone sharing tidbits of their childhood shenanigans.

“I never met a tree I couldn’t climb,” Athena says, and even Bobby look ups at that. He never knew this detail about his fiancée.

“Wait, you?” Hen asks in disbelief.

And then,

“Evan was always getting in trouble. So difficult to deal with sometimes,” Margaret says, but not in that fond way parents sometimes complain about their kids.

Buck may as well be in another universe, because he doesn’t even acknowledge her.

*

“Maddie, it’s good to see you and Evan in the same city,” Margaret starts some time later. Bobby supposes that it is a nice compliment, a parent being proud of seeing their children together. But then, “…although it would have been nice to be informed that you left that Doug. I suppose you did pick up a nice one, this time.” And then she meaningfully stares at Chimney.

“What the hell?” Athena whispers besides him.

“Mum!” Maddie shouts.

“Uh-thank you, Mrs. Buckley.” Chimney says, looking so uncomfortable.

Bobby looks at Buck, expecting him to say something, but he is stoically quiet like he has been this whole dinner. Bobby is honestly starting to get worried. He shares a questioning look with Eddie, hoping the younger man will understand what he is trying to communicate. Eddie just shakes his head.

“Well, I am glad that he is dead. If you had listened to us from the start, none of this would have happened.” Margaret continues obliviously, not seeming to notice the tension that has befallen the table. Maddie goes quiet besides Buck, and Bobby sees Buck take her hand in solidarity and comfort. Eddie and basically everyone else, apart from Philip, is throwing Margaret dirty looks.

“Are you saying your daughter deserves what happened to her, Mrs. Buckley? Is that why you didn’t come to visit her in the hospital?” Athena asks Margaret challengingly, daring her to say one more stupid thing.

Margaret, maybe noticing her mistake, shakes her head. “Of course not. I didn’t mean –”

Athena cuts her off, and God, Bobby loves her so much. “Good. Because Maddie here is one of the strongest people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. She needed support, not blame, and we are all glad she came out on the other side stronger.” The Buckleys now look embarrassed, as they should be because what the hell was that?

“Anyway, Evan,” Philip starts, maybe trying to shift the conversation. “You’re unusually quiet today.”

“Yeah, when you were younger we couldn’t get you to shut up sometimes,” Margaret adds, smiling in that way that is starting to grate on his nerves.

“What the hell!” “Mum!” Eddie and Maddie shout at the same time.

“What? It’s true! We have been here for a whole week without seeing our grandchild, we agreed to come to this dinner to meet her, and now you won’t talk? What more do you want from us?” Margaret eyes Buck distastefully.

Bobby wonders if Buck is doing what the kids call rage-baiting (he heard the word from May). He looks at Athena, and she seems to be hiding a smile as Buck continues to be silent.

Everyone is actually staring at Buck, as if they are now noticing he has yet to say a word. He just wears a very blank expression, almost looking bored.

“Evan? You’re not going to say anything?” Philip asks.

“No.” Buck says. Just one word. Definitely rage-baiting. Philip and Margaret look like they want to march to where Buck is and smack him. They are looking angry and frustrated, and Bobby wonders if this is the reaction Buck was trying to incite.

And then,

“Evan.” Philip practically growls, “Do you even care that your mother and I came all this way to see our grandchild and this is how you’re behaving?”

Buck just takes a bite of the roasted chicken, either ignoring his dad’s question or uncaring that the whole table is looking at him. And watching Philip’s expression fall in frustration from his son’s continued silence should not make Bobby happy, but it does.

“Hey sweetheart, can you pass the salt?” Buck addresses Eddie. Hen and Karen definitely coo.

“Sure thing, carino.” Eddie replies, looking smug. Okay, what game are they playing? Maddie is hiding a smile besides Buck, Hen and Karen start whispering to themselves, and even Chimney no longer looks uncomfortably flustered.

It is the Buckleys’ reaction, however, that Bobby finds most interesting.

Margaret gasps in shock her eyes going wide. Philip’s jaw clenches in anger. Buck and Eddie continue chewing, unmindful.

“So are you two…?” Margaret gestures to Eddie and Buck.

“Us two what?” Eddie asks daringly.

“Dating. Isn’t Zoey too young to be introduced to all…” she waves her index finger around like a wand, “…this?”

“Well,” Buck says, the first sentence he has spoken during the entire dinner, “it’s not like you’re going to be in her life any more after today, so your opinion doesn’t matter.” He says indifferently, making every eye in the room turn to him.

Maddie is the first one to recover from the shock of those words. She turns to Buck.

“Buck? What do you mean?” She looks as confused as everyone else at the table.

“It means that I am cutting them off.” Buck says, loudly enough for everyone, including his parents, to hear.  Now, as Buck’s sort of dad, Bobby should probably be telling him not to make such a rash decision, but honestly, he cannot find it in him. Bobby definitely did not expect that. Neither did anyone else, it seems. Athena looks amused, Chimney gasps loudly, Hen and Karen start whispering to each other, Maddie’s eyes go wide, and Eddie…Eddie looks proud. He is looking at Buck with so much love and support in his eyes.

Philip and Margaret Buckley, however, look murderous. Shocked, disbelieving, and as if they definitely want to hit their son.

“What? We’re your parents!” Philip finally finds his voice.

“Are you? Are you really?” Buck challenges.

“Evan –”

“No. I am a dad now, so I know the difference between good and bad parenting. And I have also gotten a taste of what it feels like to have a loving parent the last three years since I met Bobby,”  Aww, Bobby wants to melt. He is so happy that Buck thinks that way of him. That he has been able to provide for him what he couldn’t get from his parents.

“Most of these people here are parents,” Buck continues. “I have seen how much love they give their kids. I left home at 19, and you cut me off. What kind of parents do that? I was literary a kid!”

“You’re the one who decided to leave!” Margaret shouts.

“Well, I can tell you for certain that none of these people seated here  would do that to their own children. Do you know I was homeless? Do you remember that I was once admitted to the hospital overnight, and when the doctors called you, you hung up the phone when you heard my name?”

Bobby’s heart cracks wide open in pain, imagining a younger Buck, all alone in the hospital. “Oh baby.” Athena whispers beside him.

“Oh, Buck…” Maddie cries in horror. Bobby notes that everyone else is looking at the Buckleys, wearing varying expressions of disapproval and something akin to disgust.

“We gave you everything! Do not blame us for your reckless choices!” Philip shouts, ignoring the bombshell Buck just dropped. How can he keep arguing, defending himself, after that? When all Bobby wants to do is wrap Buck in his arms and never let go?

“Do you love me? You say you gave me everything, but not once have you ever said those words to me. So mum, dad. Do you love me?” Buck challenges. And this would be the perfect time for the Buckleys to redeem themselves, to fall on their feet before Buck and Maddie, swearing their love and begging for forgiveness.  But,

“What kind of monsters do you think we are?” Shouts Margaret, her eyes hard. Everyone lets out a collective sigh of disappointment. She doesn’t realize that she just failed a simple test. Athena looks like she wants to march to the Buckleys and introduce them to her gun. Holy shit.

“Dad?” Maddie asks on Buck’s behalf. Her eyes are almost pleading with him to say that he loves him.

“Of course we do!” Philip shouts, finally. Buck scoffs. Maddie shakes her head in disappointment and takes Buck’s other hand, since Edie is holding the other.

“Then say it.” Buck challenges. Everyone holds their breaths, waiting. 

Philip and his wife say nothing.

“Well, why am I not surprised?” Buck continues, voice flat and expression blank. He doesn’t look surprised, and the sight breaks Bobby’s heart. It’s like he expected nothing else from his parents. Like he already gave up on them.

“If you cannot love me or Maddie, I cannot allow you around my daughter. She deserves to be surrounded by love, and she already has that. So maybe you should leave.” Buck declares, finally.

“We’re her grandparents!” Margaret shouts. She is not one to give up, it seems.

“Are you, though?” Eddie sasses.

“What? Of course we are!”

“Oh really?” Buck asks. And then in a dramatic move, he starts clapping his hands slowly, like the villains in those action movies Harry has been forcing him to watch. Every eye in the room is on him.

“Hello everyone, I have something to share. Trust me, it’s juicy!” He says sarcastically, everyone looking at him with expressions varying from confused to amused.

Buck continues. “Do you want to know what my parents told me when I told them my girlfriend was pregnant and I needed their help?”

“Evan –” For once, Philip and Margaret look embarrassed.

“No, dad,” the “dad” is said sarcastically, “they deserve to know.” And then he does a horrible imitation of his parents, “the best thing you can do for that child is leave them with the mother.”Bobby can feel himself getting angry remembering how the Buckleys reacted to the news. And they have the audacity to come here and demand to see Zoe? Someone, probably Maddie, gasps in shock.

“What? Mum? Dad? Is this true?” she asks.

“We thought it was Evan’s usual shenanigans!” Margaret tries to defend herself. Eddie loudly scoffs.

“We’re sorry, Evan. Obviously we were wrong.” Says Philip. He is probably realizing that he and his wife have messed up badly.  At least he has the foresight to look guilty. Unlike Margaret.

“Answer me this then, dad.” Buck addresses him.

“What?”

“Was I a mistake?” Oh Boy. Seems like this are about to get even messier.

Maddie opens her mouth to say something, then closes it. Her expression is interesting, though. She almost looks…nervous.

“Evan, you cannot –” Margaret starts, but Buck interrupts. The tension around the table can be cut with a knife.

“Was I? Because it would explain so much –”

“You were planned!” Margaret snaps, seemingly losing the last of her patience, “very planned!”

“Very planned? What does that even mean?”

“Buck…” Maddie starts, her voice so small that Bobby almost doesn’t hear her.

“No, Maddie. If I was planned, why do you two hate me?”

“No one hates you!” Philip shouts. Bobby looks toward the inside of the house nervously, hoping May is keeping Zoe and the boys distracted.

“You clearly do!” Buck finally bursts. Bobby is about to call an end to all this, send the Buckleys on their way, when,

“Because you couldn’t save him!” Margaret explodes, her sharp voice splitting the air and then…silence. Everything and everyone freezes in tense silence, and it feels like no one breathes for a moment. And then, confusion. It seems like Buck loses his initial train of thought, and he opens and closes his mouth, words failing him.

“What?” He whispers when he finally recovers. “Save who?” Philip and Margaret are silent. Philip puts his hands around Margaret in support, and Bobby sees that she’s crying.

“Maddie?” Buck turns to his sister.

“Our brother.”She whispers so quietly that Bobby strains to hear. Her expression is blank as she continues, “his name was Daniel. He had leukemia. The doctors tried everything but nothing worked. You were conceived to be genetically compatible so that –”

“I was a savior sibling.” Buck connects the dots. For the first time since this whole dinner started, the kid no longer looks stoic. The cracks in the foundation have finally crumbled, and now he sounds hurt. Bobby wants to hug him.

“You didn’t want me.” He addresses his quiet parents, who are looking uncomfortable. His voice when he says this is small, and Eddie puts an arm around his neck, glaring at the Buckleys. “That’s why you could never love me.” He concludes.

“You don’t know what it’s like to lose a child!” Margaret yells through her probably crocodile tears.

“I do,” Bobby finds himself saying. Heads turn to him. Athena rubs his knee in comfort. “I know what it is like. I lost two kids.” Honestly, the Buckleys don’t deserve his back story, but he feels like they need to know they don’t have monopoly on grief. That it doesn’t excuse their actions. “I am sorry for your loss,” he continues, “I am. But not caring for the kids you still had left was a choice.”

And then Philip looks at him, really looks at him, and Bobby sees something in his expression. Realization, maybe. He flinches, his face draining of color. Bobby watches as the fight suddenly drains from him, and he can see it: the moment guilt sets in, replacing denial. And Bobby thinks that finally, Philip understands. But it is too late. Philip looks at him and nods, his eyes looking wet.

“I think you two should leave,” Athena turns to the Buckleys, and they dutifully stand up. They seem to realize that there is nothing else they can say or do.

When Bobby turns to look at Buck, he finds that Eddie is already wheeling him away.

*

A brother.

Buck had a brother and he didn’t even know. Because according to Maddie, their parents chose to pretend like Daniel didn’t exist. His heart goes out to that little seven year old boy who battled cancer, but cancer won. And then, to make matters worse, the boy was forgotten. Erased from the memories of his loved ones. Oh, poor Daniel.

Buck believes in the supernatural. If someone told him they had proof that ghosts were real, he would believe them. If Daniel was a ghost, watching over his family, how devastated must he have been all these years, no one mentioning him and everyone pretending he doesn’t exist? Okay, for Daniel’s sake, he really hopes ghosts aren’t real.

He thinks of Bobby, who talks about his children with fondness, despite the pain of knowing he lost them. He thinks of Brooke, whom Zoey is named after, making her memory live on. He thinks of Robert junior, who Buck knows almost everything about because his dad can never forget him.

Poor Daniel. He hates that this is the first time he’s hearing about him. And Buck supposes that it all makes sense, why his parents couldn’t love him. But what about Maddie? She was here before Daniel; why did their parents also treat her horribly? He cannot excuse that. He stands firm in his decision to cut them off. After all, he already has a loving dad.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Buck turns to Maddie. It is minutes after Athena practically chased their parents away. Buck knows she yelled at them, and he will ask about it later, but he doesn’t want to think about those people anymore. They couldn’t even admit –or at least pretend –that that they loved him.

“I wanted to,” Maddie cries. They are alone, away from the chaotic dinner table. Buck had asked Eddie to wheel him away after the revelation about Daniel, not able to stand being around his parents any longer. Maddie had followed them, and Eddie must have realized they needed to talk because he excused himself and left. Not too far away, though. If he cranes his neck, he can see his boyfriend having a somewhat heated discussion with Chimney and Hen and Karen. Athena and Bobby are nowhere to be seen, and Buck guesses they are still dealing with Philip and Margaret.

“But even saying his name was a taboo. They had packed up all his things, we moved houses, and I guess it was like he never existed. I’m so sorry. I should have told you.” She cries, and Buck looks at her, really looks at her.

Maddie was nine when she lost her brother. And not only was she not allowed to grieve –which must have been confusing for a child –she also had to take care of him when their parents couldn’t.

He wants to be mad at her, but he cannot. They hurt her, too. Probably worse, because Buck never had to deal with the grief of losing a sibling. And she was the only reason his childhood wasn’t a complete mess.

“It’s-uh. It’s okay. I get it. Now, can you help me up so that I can hug you?” He hasn’t finished talking before she leans down somewhat awkwardly because of the cast, and hugs him tight. She whispers “I’m sorry” over and over, and he has to convince her that he’s fine. She’s not the one he is mad at.

“I think, uh,” she says later, once they have both wiped their tears. “I’m following in your footsteps. I am cutting them off, too.”

Buck perks at that. “Really?”

“Yeah. The fact that they couldn’t say they love us. Or how they blamed me for Doug. And how they have been treating you. I don’t want them in my life. I am happy here, with you and this whole family and Chimney. And my very beautiful niece. I don’t need them.” Her voice sounds more and more confident them more she talks, and Buck is just,

“I am proud of you.” He says.

“I’m proud of you too. I am proud of us.” She holds out her pinky finger and Buck laughs. “United front?”

“United front.”

To hell with Philip and Margaret Buckley.

*

“Do I even want to know?” Buck asks Bobby and Athena, who are finally back from escorting the Buckleys from the premises. Using Eddie to support himself, he slowly rises from the wheelchair and then he is being hugged tight by Bobby. His dad. And here, in his arms, he is a hundred percent sure that he will never need the Buckleys again. Athena hugs him next, and her hug is warm and maternal and full of love. He really won at life with these two.

“You don’t need to worry about Philip and Margaret again, baby.” Athena  tells him, hands n his cheeks. And her touch feels so different from Margaret’s, yesterday when she ambushed him at home. Her touch is warm and makes Buck wants to lean more into it.

“So that means you tore them a new one.” Eddie teases.

“Well, there might have been words exchanged, and someone had to show them just how wrong they were to give up on two amazing children. That how they chose to address their grief was a choice, and that Daniel would be appalled by their actions. Let’s just say Philip and Margaret Buckley have a lot of introspection ahead of them.” Athena says, and damn.

“She asked them to consider therapy,” Bobby adds, sounding amused. Buck no longer cares what those people choose or choose not to do.

“Well, as long as they are no longer in my life.” He still feels hurt swirling inside him at tonight’s revelations, and maybe it’s time he considers therapy, too (he is still wary of therapists after last time, and this time he will ask Athena to vet them thoroughly).

“Amen to that.”

*

The day after the dinner is a quiet one, spent at home with Eddie and Chris. Eddie is not working today, thankfully.

Surprisingly, it had turned out to be a fun evening after Philip and Margaret had left. Michael and David had joined them later, and they had been treated to gossip from the dinner, and Michael had lamented about missing it. The kids had also joined them at some point, and Zoey had taken great pleasure in sitting on top of him while Eddie pushed them around in the wheelchair. Maddie had also announced that she was cutting their parents off, earning her a lot of approval and hugs from everyone.

When they arrived back at the house last night, the kids had gone straight to bed, while he and Eddie had relaxed on the couch, making out. Oh, and Buck had introduced Eddie to the joys of sloppy handjobs. He still cannot get the moans Eddie made out of his mind. Damn, he wants this cast off already.

This morning, Buck wakes up like he always does, to someone using his stomach as a bouncing castle. He opens an eye to find Zoe excitedly jumping up on him, still careful to avoid his injury. He is glad to see she is alternating between him and Eddie.

“No, go away.” Eddie complains, voice rough with sleep.

“Noo! I want pancakes!” His daughter, somehow full of energy this morning, yells.

“No!”

“Yes! Please, daddy.” And well, who is Buck to refuse those big innocent eyes?

“I got it. You stay.” Eddie says, waking up.

“You cannot cook.”

“I can make pancakes. Right, mija?” Zoey eyes him appraisingly, seriously deciding if Eddie can make pancakes. The sight is just too cute.

“Yes!” She finally decides.

It turns out that Eddie can actually make pancakes, though Buck swears his are better. It looks and feels wonderfully domestic, the four of them seated around the dinner table eating breakfast. They all agree to stay indoors to give Buck time to rest his leg after yesterday, and the day is just…perfect. Chris and Zoe never run out of things to do, while Buck and Eddie spend most of the day relaxing on the couch, stealing kisses often and criticizing movies of their mistakes or poor acting choices.

*

A week later, Buck experiences what Eddie must have felt when dealing with his parents. It’s Eddie’s shield ceremony, and he doesn’t care about his leg, he is going. There is no way he is missing his boyfriend’s ceremony. Maddie huffs at him, but finally agrees to help him vandalize his pants (His own shield ceremony was a small but no less beautiful affair, just before Maddie entered his life. He had Bobby and Zoe then, plus Chim and Hen, and he was content, despite not having any other family present).

Shannon is in attendance, and Buck can see Helena and Ramon Diaz give her dirty looks. He and Shannon have become somewhat friends, despite the fact that he is dating her ex-husband. And he enjoys gossiping with her about her awful ex-in laws.

Buck cannot say that the Diaz parents are as awful as his own parents, but they clearly drive Eddie nuts. Especially because they keep trying to convince Eddie to head back to El-Paso, now that he has finished his probationary year. And either ignoring Shannon, or badmouthing her.

Eddie doesn’t introduce him as his boyfriend, and Buck understands. Eddie only recently came out, and he is not ready to deal with his parents’ reaction to that yet. He kisses Buck apologetically, but Buck assures him that it is fine. He has a feeling he and Eddie’s parents have a long, challenging journey ahead.

Eddie does introduce him to his abuela and Pepa and his sisters as his boyfriend, and that’s what matters. Especially because they are all happy for them.

To say they are both overjoyed when the Diazes leave is an understatement.

*

Buck thinks that being a parent grounded him. Before Zoey, he was reckless, getting into all kinds of situations just for the adrenaline rush and the chance to feel something other than…lost. Despite his leg injury, which is slowly healing, Buck is the happiest he has ever been. He has an amazing boyfriend and two kids, not to mention Bobby and the rest of his family.

He would do anything for Zoe.

And that is why, when Bobby tells him he needs to take it easy with his PT, he doesn’t protest. He follows all the instructions and recommendations, and he knows it will be months before he can work again, but for Zoe, he can be patient. He cannot risk being too reckless or doing something that will send him back. Besides, he is still getting paid since the injury happened at work.

Eddie and Chris have officially moved in, much to his delight.

And to manage the boredom, Buck recently got back into one of his hobbies from high school: painting.

He mentioned to Eddie that he would like to paint again and the next day, Eddie bought him painting supplies as a gift. He really is the best boyfriend.

Zoey is still not willing to sleep alone, so she has been sharing a room with Chris for now much to the delight of both kids (he knows this won’t last, especially as they both get older and crave freedom. Zoey is turning four soon, and will probably demand her own room). She even started joining Chris and Eddie in their morning exercises, though Buck knows she doesn’t understand their significance.

Anyway, Buck has been using the extra room for his art. He has been finding it relaxing, sort of therapeutic, telling story through art. He doesn’t believe he is as good as his family have been telling him he is, but it is something he is enjoying immensely during this period as he waits to be fully cleared for work.

He loves blending the hues, splattering paint and dragging brush across canvas in delicate strokes. Sometimes, Zoe and Chris join him, each of them immersed in their own art. Eddie tried once but decided that painting is not for him (He did draw a giant love sign in red, and wrote “I love you” inside, making Buck tear up).

His dad (yes, he thinks of Bobby as his dad now, all the time) comes often whenever he can, praising him for his progress and patience in letting his leg heal. Buck doesn’t see the need to rush, when he has everything he could every dream of right here. Their weekly dinners with the Grant-Nash family now include Eddie and Chris. And sometimes, the entire118 joins them with their partners.

Buck and Maddie have become closer, united in their decision to cut off their parents for good. Maddie confessed she actually feels better for it. Not that their parents have tried to reach out, so good riddance.

*

When the cast is finally off, he and Eddie celebrate by moving their relationship to the next level.

They are both nervous as they slowly remove each other’s clothes. They kiss and kiss, and at some point, Buck flinches, remembering hands that belong to Dr. Wells. Eddie is patient with him, holding him gently as he recounts the experience for the first time in a long time. But Eddie touches him with so much love and care that Buck forgets anything else.

Their first time is intimate, raw, and achingly real. They memorize each other’s bodies, their skins moving rhythmically against each other. It is full of heat and love, oh so much love, that when they are done, Buck is not surprised to find both their eyes wet. Later, they hold each other, no words needed, but knowing that forever awaits them.

*

The next weekend, Buck is the Best Man at his dad’s wedding. May is Athena’s Maid of Honor. Zoe is the flower girl, and it is the best thing ever, watching her as she walks down the aisle throwing flowers. It is a small but lovely ceremony. Zoe and May are both dressed the same, much to Zoe’s excitement. Harry stands beside Buck with the rings. And when Bobby and Athena finally say “I do,” Buck’s eyes automatically find his boyfriend’s. Soon, their eyes seem to say.

*

For a while now, Athena and May have been having weekly mother-daughter outings, which mostly involve shopping, getting their hair done, nails, skin care, and all that jazz. Since Bobby moved in, Athena and May have been including Zoey in those outings, much to her delight.

So when the Tsunami hits L.A., Athena and May are out with Zoey, and Buck, who goes back to work next week, decided to take Chris to the Pier. That day easily becomes Eddie’s worst, and he does not breathe until he has them safely back in his arms. He almost lost them.

And it is after that awful day that Eddie takes Maddie and Hen ring-shopping, because he realizes he can no longer live without Buck (He talked to Bobby first, of course, and the man was delighted to give his blessing).

And one week later, two days before Zoey’s forth birthday, Eddie goes down on one knee and asks Buck to marry him. Buck says yes (“Say yes, daddy!” His daughter impatiently screams at him when he starts tearing up and taking too long to answer).

The moment is made so much better when, that evening, Zoey calls Eddie “dad.” At first, he thinks she is referring to Buck, but he is nowhere in sight. They are getting ready to head to Athena’s to celebrate their engagement, when Zoe approaches him and asks,“dad, will you tie my shoes?”  Eddie cries, but can anyone blame him? He has a daughter. And a son. And a fiancé. He is in good terms with his ex-wife.

Chris, not willing to be left out once he hears Zoe call him dad, asks Buck if he can call him “papa,” leaving the other man a teary mess.

They are a family of four, and they are going to make it official, soon. Eddie has never been happier. Soon, he will have a husband, a son, and a daughter. He cannot wait.

*

Once upon a time, Bobby lost everything. He was on the road to losing himself to alcoholism when he met Buck. Buck says Bobby saved him, but Bobby knows it is the opposite. Buck saved him. He gave him a purpose and a family again. He will never forget what he lost, but he is content with his life now. He is a dad of three now, a grandpa, and a husband. Not to mention the 118 A-shift and their partners, reminding him every day that sometimes, it is not the family we are born into, but the family we choose.

And he will keep choosing them for as long as he lives.