Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It’s the laugh that Hyukjae hears first, a low cackling sound filtering through the doors of the practice room. Hyukjae isn’t late, he never is when it comes to practices, but the person inside the room is early, earlier than the rest of the members.

The laugh carries through the air once more. The sound of this new outburst is loud, boisterous and could be easily mistaken for a variety laugh. One of those laughs where heads would be thrown back after a sharp comment, a funny moment, the sound of edited laughter accompanying the visual. But Hyukjae knows better. He can hear the slight tone change at the end, going down instead of up - nerves ringing through. 

Hyukjae opens the door then. Inside is one of dance teachers for this comeback, watching the person who had been previously laughing. The latter is running through the second half of the chorus of their new song. It’s a tight choreo, sharp moves - it's tough. Hyukjae loves it.

“Ya Lee Hyukjae, don’t look at me.”

Hyukjae smiles, catching Heechul’s eye. The older one is looking at him through the mirror, the traces of a smile still on his lips. His eyes are wide, nervous, warm as he takes in the younger one entering. Hyukjae pokes out his tongue before throwing his hands up and walking towards the couch in the corner. He does his best not to look at the older man when the music starts up again. Instead sinking down on the soft leather, shifting his hands up to his neck, loosening his joints, stretching out his back.

He can’t help it, he does try but his eyes do wander over to Heechul’s moving limbs. It’s not a new thing, even with Heechul missing out on activities for the better half of their career, it’s familiar seeing Heechul in this particular setting. And still, it makes Hyukjae's chest warm, the ghost of smile teasing his lips. He tries to keep it in, but not really.

Their eyes meet in the mirror again, Heechul waves over to him. He grimaces, a bead of sweat dripping down his temple as he gestures for Hyukjae to join him near the front of the room.

“Come help me then, Hyukjae.”

Hyukjae nods and Heechul laughs, once more. This time the sound is softer, genuine.

“Of course, Heenim, of course.”

Chapter Text

Then. The back of that dance room, a stuffy, dark basement, pipes running along the wall, the presence of fresh air long lost in the collected warmth of bodies dancing, trainees dreaming big, practising harder, repeating moves again and again until their legs gave out and then pushing some more. Hyukjae and Donghae sitting at the back of the room, long after all the others had left, as exhausted. They didn’t know it yet, at that moment, but they’d be the ones debuting in a few years and all of the hours spent in this dark place would be worth something.

They had only known each other for months, maybe just weeks by that point. But it felt like more, it felt right, natural, when Donghae’s head found a place to rest Hyukjae’s shoulder after they had collapsed down in the back of the room, facing the mirrors in front. Shoulder to shoulder, a shy hand finding its way over after a moment - the other fingers flinching back but a heartbeat later returning the curiosity, the eagerness, and holding on. Not a word was said, but when Hyukjae had looked at Donghae, he had been so close that their breaths mingled. Donghae’s heart had beat so hard, so loud, he had felt it in his chest but als his throat, thrumming in his ears, everywhere. It was scary to feel the longing - the returned longing mirrored in the other’s eyes perhaps the scariest thing of all. In that moment, they are young. Too young to get the implications, the societal norms, the country they grew up in. But it felt right when lips touched other lips.

Then. They are holding hands and being told off for holding hands. Being told off for being close when cameras were on, too close when cameras were off, too, and that’s somehow made out to be worse. It’s a bright white office, one of those that has walls that make your eyes hurt. They’ve come a long way from the dark basement but the words, even just words are harsh and punching as they’re made to promise to do better.

The members glance at them when they get back to the dorm, after that quiet shuffle into the living room, unshed tears in their eyes. They stopped holding hands somewhere in the car ride home, but their fingers linger near each other’s, gracing occasionally, ignoring the urge to grab, to run. They wonder if the others know, only the oldest members are seated in the living room and their eyes are looking but silent. Then Jungsu murmurs that perhaps it’s better if Donghae grabs his pillow, shares a room with him instead: at least for the night, right? Come on, it’s late already, let’s go to bed.

They hang their heads as Donghae follows, Hyukjae retreats - not in shame, but something similarly red, hot, is burning on their faces, tightening their chests, making fingers clench and unclench into fists. They both know that changing rooms will not change them, maybe not at that moment, not with that type of certainty - but the condemning ‘It’s not allowed’ the commanding ‘stop this’ will not deter Donghae from leaving the room once Jungsu breath evens out. Soft feet making their way across the dorm, crawling into the warm bed next to the boy whose eyes fill with tears the moment they lock onto Donghae’s. Trying to block out the sound falling from his lips, raw, desperate, while he kisses Donghae’s face, cheeks, his fingers grabbing and holding on. They are still young, too young to look that far into the future, but old enough to hold on.

Then. It’s a goodbye, but it’s also not, they both know that. But a goodbye for now, temporary as it may be, doesn’t make it any less bad. It had been coming. It’s not only Hyukjae’s tears streaming this time, it’s also Donghae’s as his fingers run across Hyukjae’s brow bone, down his cheek, up his jawline - purposely staying away from his shaved head as if touching the prickly hairs will pop their bubble and let reality sink in.

He kisses Hyukjae, slow, steady. Steadier than he feels, but being together had always been grounding, even now, even before tomorrow when a car will take both of them away. It had been years since that dark basement and the room around them is once again dark. But they don’t need lights to see each other, fingers have mapped inches of skins over and over. Had discovered, had teased, had caressed. And they do the same now. Both Hyukjae and Donghae are chasing each other, there’s no need for it after all the years, but there is, there so is.

Now.  A picture. A night sky, a bridge, a lit-up city in the background. Two men standing, not even that close, jokingly posing for a camera. It’s a touristy shot, just two guys, brothers maybe or just best friends, exploring a new city, finding a cool spot – snapping a picture.

What the picture doesn’t show is the moment right after, the flash still overwhelmingly bright in their eyes, Hyukjae had turned around and found Donghae’s hand. It’s been years, perhaps finding isn’t even the right term – they had found each other, all these years ago. Since then, they had re-found each other, but not in the sense of being lost, but choosing again and again and again for them.

They are not young anymore, young in the grand scheme of things, of this life, but they had aged. Had gained experiences, the good and the bad. Had stumbled, had fallen, had gotten up. Had received more harsh words, had doubted, but not for too long. From a dark basement, bright colored rooms, even brighter stages back to dark rooms and now a dark night. But they discovered the dark can be comfortable.

And as Hyukjae turns around to face Donghae, he smiles, and gets a smile in return. And their lips touch once more.

Chapter Text

Kyuhyun isn’t the type to talk. He isn’t the type to open up about his problems, his worries, his hurts. It’s not like he hasn’t deal with stuff before, dreams being shattered and put back together, different types of hurt - but some days some new worry will make its appearance in his brain and all of sudden it will be too much.

It, whatever it may be, will spill over and then it will be written all over his face, marring his features with worry, his eyes glazing over occasionally. If one of those days arrives and he’s working with suju, the other members will joke about it, mocking the traces of the fake smile remaining on his lips as he retreats into his own mind. Sometimes this approach works, and Kyuhyun will laugh, genuinely, and bite back at Yesung’s prodding fingers. Heechul will hold back, for now.

But their eyes make contact, just briefly, after the day is over and thus, Heechul will join Kyuhyun’s car ride home. They will settle in the living room of Kyuhyun’s place, Heechul in the corner of the couch, Kyuhyun curled up on the floor, a bottle of wine between them, a glass in their hands. And it will be silent, bar the occasional throwaway comment about the show Kyuhyun has put on.

Because Kyuhyun is not the person to open up: not before drinks and still not after either. And Heechul respects that.

But Heechul will stay though. After the show turns into another, the dark outside turns even darker and Kyuhyun’s head starts nodding, his cheeks red but also looking so pale, so tired, so young. Heechul will take the glass out of the younger’s hand and pull him up, getting him into his bedroom. And Kyuhyun will lay down, his eyes already closed. His brain finally quiets with all those unsaid thoughts, fears, as he dozes off.

Heechul doesn’t know what’s bothering the youngest of his team on this particular day. He can guess, he’s read articles, seen flashes of Kyuhyun’s picture above bold lettering, comment sections filled with harsh words. But he won’t, he won’t even ask. Because that’s not who they are. It’s not what Kyuhyun needs.

He will wait for the room to get quiet, for Kyuhyun’s breath to even out. And then he will slide into bed next to him. It’ll take a bit of maneuvering, pulling on bed sheets, trying to not to hustle the body next to him too much. He will move gently, mere centimeters, holding occasionally. But then he will lay next to Kyuhyun, his hand reaching over to the sleeping one. Heechul needs closeness, a body pressed against his when the dark clouds overtake everything else and his mind is a scary place to be, but Kyuhyun just needs assurance. So he will make sure that Kyuhyun can see him if the youngest wakes up in the middle of the night. It will be his choice, not Heechul’s, if he goes closer.

Because sometimes there’s just an unexplainable sadness that washes over Heechul. Something so heavy that he doesn’t know how to carry.. And then Kyuhyun will be there, with silly jokes, a body pressed close. And perhaps sometimes Kyuhyun’s eyes glaze over and he can’t find the words to talk about it, but Heechul will be there, with his presence, someone to care for Kyuhyun when he can’t do it himself.

They will be there.

Chapter Text

Kyuhyun’s eyes flutter open. Light simmers in through the wooden blinds as he blinks, letting out a deep breath. The first thing Kyuhyun notices this morning is the warmth, it’s always like this, three bodies in one bed, no matter the size of the bed, heats up the space.

Donghae is to his left, even before Kyuhyun’s gaze lands on the older man, Kyuhyun knows that Donghae’s arms will be up by his face. He’s on his back and there’s a slight snore decorating his sleeping state. Kyuhyun then turns to his right, discerning an oddly shaped bump under the blue comforter. Checking in with his body, he knows the bump is curled up into him, a nose tickling Kyuhyun’s arm. Hyukjae had the habit of sleeping without a pillow. He’s the one out of the three to get cold during the night, so the other two will always find him like this in the morning, completely covered up by the blanket.

Kyuhyun lays there for a second while he collects his thoughts, blinking away the sleep from his eyes, stretching out his legs, wining at a twinge in his hips.

His mind flashes back to last night, the three of them stumbling into Donghae’s apartment after a day of album prep, a photoshoot concluding the day. Kyuhyun was glad to be back in his normal clothes, out of the cold studio with those bright lights.

It was Hyukjae who climbed into Kyuhyun’s lap after they had finished a warm, satisfying home cooked meal. Kyuhyun wasn’t even sure what he said, or did, but all of sudden the older male was there. Tracing his lips down Kyuhyun’s ear, his neck, his jawline - whispering how hot he was. How he’d been wanting to do this all day as he kissed and gently bit Kyuhyun in every place he could reach.

Kyuhyun’s fingers come up and trace his jaw line, slipping below this T-shirt he wore to bed, fingers finding and softly pressing into fresh sensitive marks.

Donghae watching the two for a bit before standing and nudging Hyukjae out of the way, the weight of Hyukjae’s thighs still on Kyuhyun’s, solid and warm, as he leans back and watches Donghae kissing Kyuhyun slow and deep. Donghae’s fingers lingering on Hyukjae’s arm as he pulls away, for just a second, before he starts pulling the two of them to the couch.

And Kyuhyun thinks back to the couch.

Oh damn the couch.

A rustle next to him brings Kyuhyun back to awareness. Donghae’s eyes blink at him, a gentle smile adorning his lips.

“Morning.” He mumbles, leaning into Kyuhyun, placing a soft kiss on his cheek. Kyuhyun leans into the touch, mumbling a good morning back.

“Should I make breakfast?” 

“That would be great, hyung.” Kyuhyun nods in response, “What’s on the schedule today?”

Donghae’s fishes out his phone from somewhere on the bed. Moving his fingers across the screen as he reads out loud.

“Hyukjae and me have a meeting at the new office. And….” He scrolls down a bit. “You have a recording tonight. But not until later.” He taps at the screen. “I texted your manager to come pick you up here, okay?”

Donghae turns off his phone and leans in for another kiss.

“I will make breakfast, you two join me in a bit?”

Kyuhyun nods again, mumbling a thanks into his lips. Whining as Donghae pulls away after a brief peck. Donghae laughs in return.

“Get up, and get Hyukjae up too, okay?”

Kyuhyun pulls a face but smiles as Donghae gets up from the bed, exits the room.

He hears a mumble from below the covers and when he lifts the edge up to peek under he sees Hyukjae’s sleepy but awake eyes staring back at him. His head resting on top of Kyuhyun’s chest.

“We can stay in bed a little longer, Kyu.”

Donghae’s head pops back into the room; “I heard that, get up! You’re coming to the gym with me, Hyuk.”

“I’m still sleeping.”

“I heard that too.”

And the three of them laugh.

Chapter Text

It’s familiar, and at the same time, it’s special.

It’s odd how these two emotions can exist right next to each other. But when Yesung looks to his right, his eyes finding Heechul’s, it’s exactly what goes through his mind.

And Yesung doesn’t know exactly how to deal with either of these feelings, he can’t rationally think his way through them like he usually does in life. Because it’s too exciting, it’s sets off a spring in Yesung’s step, to get on a set and see Heechul’s name on the seat next to his. Or to get on that bus - that silly big bus with their faces on the side of it that makes Yesung want to both hide and gloat at the same time whenever he sees it - and scoot himself in the seat next to Heechul. It makes Yesung all so stupidly happy.

By this point they’ve known each other well over 20 years, so Yesung knows Heechul’s face. Has seen it change, mature, spending so much of those years together, so it feels like looking in a mirror when he sees similar signs of aging, soft lines, grey hairs, which are written all over his own appearance too, has felt it in the way both of their bodies stammer after a third round of practice, the difference between the injured and the non-injured minimal by this point, as they laugh at the amount of time it takes for them to catch their breath.

And even just that, getting older and feeling older, but doing that together,

feels so special.

But he is Yesung, so he tries to be cool about it, doesn’t talk about it, doesn’t mention it to anyone, especially not Heechul. But he keeps whispering little jokes to Heechul when he slides into the seat next to him, twists his arm around other members to find Heechul’s arm, not caring if there’s a dozen cameras pointed at them. Selfishly, limitlessly, finds reasons to look for him during the day, to get close, to stay there.

To grab Heechul to take a picture, and another. It’s his brand anyways and he takes good pictures, tries a little bit harder when it’s with Heechul, and suggest another little clip for their socials.

“This is a trend right now, I swear.”

He hears himself mutter giddily, as he points his phone above their heads, trying to steady his hand, straighten out his face.

“Really hyung, it will only take a second.”

He leans in closer to Heechul, intertwining their arms, before he starts the countdown and hears Heechul’s little laugh before he leans into Yesung as well.

The moment only lasts a second, and then Heechul gets called for whatever reason to do with his outfit and Yesung should get his make-up touched up, and after that they will get back on that (still so ridiculously silly) bus and go to whatever schedule is next. Yesung will try to get a seat next to Heechul again. And later, as Jungsu explains for the 8th time that day how excited they are all about this comeback and this new album, Yesung will find Heechul’s hand and squeeze it gently, and they will smile.

It’s all so familiar but so special.

Chapter Text

He usually isn’t like this. Hyukjae isn’t jealous, bitter.

But he can feel the burn of the alcohol at the back of his throat, the way his hand is gripping the cold glass, ice cubes swirling around in the remainder of the clear liquid.

His eyes are on Donghae, even more on the people Donghae is talking to. He loves Donghae’s social side, his bubbly, talkative side. He knows it’s just Donghae, but he can see the way other people look at Donghae, because of course they look at Donghae. This one guy’s hands linger on Donghae’s shoulder, his side, leaning in.

Hyukjae’s head spins.
His blood boils.

Then he is moving.

He’s besides Donghae in second, pulling on his arm, flashing a smile to Donghae’s conversational partner, as he leads Donghae outside.

Through a hallway, out of the back door. The night is colder than the club they were in, but it’s still hot, humid.

Hyukjae pulls Donghae up against the wall, leans in. Body against body, warm, solid, adding more pressure as Hyukjae leans in. His lips soft, the touch feathery, teasing the shell of Donghae’s ear, as he whispers. Little nothings, about him, about them - silly little nothings that make Donghae whimper, squirm in place, back sliding along the brick wall, as Hyukjae’s keeps whispering and lips wander, go down, dragging alongside the vein on the side of Donghae’s neck, back up.

A kiss on a flushed cheek, sweetly.

Mine .

Then Hyukjae leans back.

“Let’s go home, hmm?”

Chapter Text

There are multiple ways to say something that comes straight from the heart, to put words to something a heart has been holding onto.

Or: “We are not just friends and you know it.” three scenarios.

Sometimes words, the most inner feelings of a heart, come spilling out when the person is the most careless, when honesty overtakes rationality

It isn’t like Heechul has a drinking problem, he’s much more of a social drinker than anything else and he does quit when the situation calls for it. It’s just that when he does drink after quitting, he turns into a bit of lightweight.

And right now, he’s so drunk that Yesung is struggling to keep him walking down the street, back to the dorms, to even keep him upright. Heechul has crumbled down the to the ground, and Yesung is trying his best to mumble sweet nothings to him. To tell him they’re almost home (they’re not) and that Heechul will get to sleep (not that long, Yesung has seen the schedule).

“Ah, my friend had one drink too many, you know how it goes.” Yesung chatters, waves his hand at a group of people passing by, patting Heechul’s shoulder.

The group hasn’t even passed by yet before Yesung’s hears Heechul mumble.

“But Yesung-ah, we’re not just friends.”

Heechul’s voice sounds clear, clearer than Yesung had hear up until that point and he’s staring straight at Yesung, there’s a slight wobble in his lip, his voice thick with a bunch of emotions that hadn’t been seconds earlier. But his eyes are clouded, he’s there, but also not. 

Yesung stares at him. Thinks of the way that he will crawl into Heechul’s bed when they ever do get home, thinks of the way he had done that for weeks now, months even. How they had kissed, how fingers had trailed down a body.

They hadn’t put a name to it, but maybe they should, if Heechul remembers this all in the morning.

“No, hyung, I don’t think we’re just friends.”

There’s times where words can be whispered, a quiet exchange of hearts whispering to another when it's safe enough to spill, and to get a response

It’s a dark room, two separated beds in a hotel room, but the two people are not separated. There’s an urge to the words, but it’s not desperate. The two people have got time. So, the words are repeated once more. Like the whisperer is trying to figure out himself still what he means by those words.

“But we’re not just friends.”

The person the words are whispered to does know, though. “I know, I know,” Hyukjae whispers back, as he pulls the Donghae even closer, the words lingering in the small amount of space between them. His head settles on top of Donghae’s head, the long pieces of hair there tickle his nose. Their limbs are intertwined, somehow becoming even more entangled, even closer, as they share the thoughts that are locked away so deeply, emotions that are usually hidden away.

“Maybe we’re soulmates.” Hyukjae whispers and they both nod, because yes, maybe that is it.

That word makes sense for why they gravitate towards each other, why the other person feels safe, has felt safe from the first moment they met. Not in a romantic way, something different. Because while they are young and it’s difficult to know all your feelings while you’re that young, these two knew that feelings are real, are something.

“Soulmates.” Donghae whispers back, “I like that.”

And sometimes words just come spilling out, because there’s no way to hold them back anymore. Because there’s a need for the heart to reveal, to make the other person understand, whatever the consequences may be.

“We’re not just friends and you fucking know it. We’re not just dormmates, we’re not just in the same group.” He groans, his eyes are dark, so dark. His voice loud, his whole body is tense as if he doesn’t know what to do with himself. Just keeps lashing out:

“What the fuck, Hyukjae.” 

It’s so unlike Kyuhyun, that’s what Hyukjae thinks. To yell, to curse, to lash out like this. But he deserves it, he so deserved it. He’s frozen on the spot, letting the words wash over him, taking the hits, accepting whatever anger the younger man throws at him. His breathing is shallow as Kyuhyun stares at him, his features are so dark, so angry, but so desperate. Tears in his eyes.

“We’re not friends, hyung, we’re not.”

Hyukjae winces. He waits a second, Kyuhyun turns around. He’s about to leave, because Hyukjae had been stupid, so so stupid.

“We’re not,” he finally responds. Searching for the words, to express how sorry he truly is; “I should’ve done better, Kyuhyun-ah.”

He can see Kyuhyun is conflicted, he’s shaking, wobbling on the spot. There’s so much tension still, in his body, in this room, between them – Kyuhyun is still mad and he should be, has every right to. But then Kyuhyun stumbles into Hyukjae, clings onto him.

“I want to be more,” Kyuhyun breathes out, his voice tight. “Please.”

Hyukjae doesn’t reply, doesn’t trust his voice anymore, just holds on the younger man. His hand trailed up and down Kyuhyun’s back, trying his best not to shake, to offer comfort. Promises himself to better.

You are more.

Chapter Text

teukhae.

“Despite what you think, I am completely capable of taking care of myself.”

“I know you do, Donghae.” Jungsu murmurs, but his hand keeps stroking Donghae’s hair, running his fingers through the strands of hair, humming as he listens to the man lying with his head in Jungsu’s lap.

Jungsu is well into his twenties and even Donghae is in his twenties now, they’ve debuted, travelled, performed over and over and over, and Donghae isn’t the kid anymore that Jungsu got to know when he was a mere teenager himself. The one with the big eyes, the even bigger dreams, the one who laughed with holding anything back, still does. But right now, in this dark shared bedroom of theirs, where Donghae just came stumbling in, tears in his eyes, sob spilling from behind his lips, the moment he saw his hyung; because the company won’t let him explore his songwriting, won’t lent him a studio to nurture the raw skill coursing through him - Jungsu still sees that kid.

“I will just go talk to them again tomorrow.” Donghae says, his voice small, tearful still, tired but confident, and Jungsu knows he will.

And honestly, Jungsu wants nothing more than to run out of their dorm, down the street, straight to the company. To kick down doors, yell, tell the people how stupid they are, that they don’t see it. Don’t see what he sees when he looks at Donghae. But he won’t, because Donghae isn’t that kid anymore. Jungsu doesn’t need to hold his hand, not in a professional capacity.

But as Donghae slips his hand into Jungsu’s as he starts nodding off to sleep, Jungsu decides he can still hold his hand now. He hopes that will never change.

eunhae.

“Please don’t cry. I can’t stand to see you cry.”

Hyukjae feels his own lip wobble as well, as he murmurs into Donghae’s ear; “Please, Donghae.”

Hyukjae feels overwhelmed, to say the least, he feels good, so good. He feels like flying but also like sleeping but also like screaming because he and Donghae, Donghae and him- he swallows, fumbling around with the covers, his hands shaking, trying to cover Donghae some more, curls up closer into him as the tears still spill from Donghae’s eyes.

The night started out so good, with them being alone in the dorm, even the managers had left and Donghae had looked at him, had taken Hyukjae’s hand in his, led him into his bedroom. Laid him out on the bed, had gotten Hyukjae down to just his shirt and a single sock before Hyukjae had started moving too.

Hyukjae thinks like he even heard an I love you, gasped into the side of his neck as they had moved together, touching, exploring. A declaration, somewhere in between all the ecstasy, the most brilliant, colourful vibrant joy Hyukjae had ever felt in his life as he whispered it back, he thinks he did at least.

“Donghae, please, please, what did I do?”

But now Donghae is crying, has been crying, it started when Hyukjae was, and Donghae did- and Hyukjae doesn’t know what to do. He reaches out a trembling hand, holds it back, awkwardly lets it hover it in the air. His own tears burn in his eyes, his whole face burns.

“I feel…”

Hyukjae holds his breath, as Donghae finally turns to face him. His eyes are open, but the tears haven’t become any less and Hyukjae sees the other boy gasp for breath as he tries to speak. It feels like Hyukjae’s lungs will stop working, maybe his heart will too.

“Hyuk.”

“Donghae, I-“

Donghae takes Hyukjae’s still outreached hand into his own, places a soft kiss on top of it. He closes his eyes for a moment, then looks back up at Hyukjae. And he smiles.

“I feel so good, ah.” He sighs contently, “Hyuk, what, why are you crying?”

kyusung.

“Fuck, can you never say something nice, Kyuhyun-ah.” Yesung sighs, his hand is up to his face, half hiding behind it as the studio erupts into another bout of laughter.

Shindong laughs: “No matter what, Kyuhyun will always bring Yesung down. It’s his job.”

But Yesung is not mad, not feeling down, not really, Kyuhyun knows his hyung better than that, he’s just a bit grumpy, the traces of a smile are still visible.

Kyuhyun think he can hear the camera crew chuckling from the edge of the studio, repeating what Kyuhyun just said. Then they call for a break and the members scatter, Kyuhyun remains seated though. He’s leaning onto his elbow, staring at Yesung who has remained seated as well. Heechul is chatting to Yesung in hushed tones, he asks something and Yesung shakes his head, so Heechul pats his shoulder and walks off.

Kyuhyuk gets up, takes a seat next to Yesung. He doesn’t say anything yet, but just stays quiet, watching as Yesung turns his attention to him.

“Kyuhyun-ah.” He says, whispers.

“Yes, hyung.” Kyuhyun replies. His hand comes to lightly rest on Yesung’s thigh, just below the table they are sitting at, out of sight of the camera’s. Yesung’s smaller hand finds its way on top of Kyuhyun’s.

“I kinda hate how much I love you, you know.”

“I love you, too.”

The hand squeezes.

Kyuhyun squeezes back.

“It was true, though, you are a bit weird.”

And Yesung sighs.

Chapter Text

“Walk out that door and we’re through.”

Donghae can see the way Hyukjae halts in his step. He’s so close to the door, just another step, a swing of a door and he will be through, away, out. And Donghae doesn’t want that to happen. But even to his own ears, he knows that what he just said is unfair.

He’s not allowed to ask this from Hyukjae.

Hyukjae doesn’t turn around at first, instead Donghae hears a soft thump as Hyukjae’s leans his head against the doorframe. He has stopped at least.

“You can’t walk out.” Donghae starts up again, means for it to come out solid, strong, to make a statement, instead it sounds desperate. “I mean it.”

And Donghae knows, that he’s being unfair, so unfair.

“How are we going to be through, Lee Donghae?” Hyukjae whispers, he doesn’t move away from the door, doesn’t turn to face Donghae. “Are we even something to begin with?”

A loud sigh then, and Hyukjae leans up from the door, throw his head back. He’s shaking, Donghae realises. His arms wrap around himself, like he’s trying to contain himself, but his entire body is rioting. Or maybe like he’s searching for comfort, and he doesn’t know where to find it except from his own touch. While Donghae is there, but Donghae is also the cause of this all.

“Haven’t I given you time? Haven’t I waited long enough?”

The words are so hard, Hyukjae’s voice isn’t loud, though. They had screamed so much, just now, Hyukjae sounds hoarse.

“I told you when we were 16, I told you when we were 20, I told you when we came back from the army.” Hyukjae’s eyes are wild, but he seems to deflate with every word that leaves his lips. All the while he stares at Donghae. No tears leave Hyukjae’s eyes, maybe they aren’t any left.

“I love you Donghae, how many times do I have to say it before you give me a proper reply?

And Donghae doesn’t reply, not even then. He wants to, but there’s so many things that run through his mind, that make his heart thrum faster and faster, dreams, visions of a future, a family, but also Hyukjae.

Hyukjae Hyukjae Hyukjae.

Hyukjae hugs his arms tighter to his body.

“We can’t break up if haven’t gotten together start to begin with, you can’t stop me from leaving if you’ve never asked me to stay to begin with.”

And then Hyukjae does leave, just turns around, steps over the edge; an edge Donghae doesn’t know they can even come back from.

Donghae is left alone, in the middle of his hallway, heart beating fast. He feels like crying but he shouldn’t, he doesn’t deserve the tears.

Maybe they were always one step away from the edge.

Chapter Text

“Just please be my best friend right now, not the guy I just confessed my love to.”

“…”

“…”

“We could just talk about what you just said?”

“No, you have to my best friend.” Donghae puffs out a breath of air, blowing his hair from his face.

Hyukjae remains silent for a second, his gaze on the city outside the window. Seoul is so big, he grew up in this city and still, it feels so big. He thought he was grown up, auditioning, getting into an entertainment company, even moving away from home, but he doesn’t really feel all that grown up. 

He assumes if he was more grown up, though, he’d know what to do with the words Donghae just said to him. He feels the blush on his cheeks deepening at the thought, Donghae liking someone, Donghae liking Hyukjae.

He clears his throat: “Okay, friend, what happened?”

“I like someone.”

“Oh, really?”

“Hyuk!”

“Oh, oh- well, uhm, what do you like, uh, like about this someone, Donghae?”

Donghae doesn’t look at him, his gaze is like Hyukjae’s, turned towards the window, but where Hyukjae was looking down at the buzzing city below, Donghae had his eyes turned up. Looking at the clouds, the blue sky.

“He makes me laugh, like I feel really happy when he’s around.. I want him around all the time, really, I try to be around him whenever I can.”

“That makes sense, how do you know it’s different from friendship, though?”

“I think those two things can be very similar? But this feels like it’s friendship times a hundred, a thousand. And I’ve had friends, back home, but it was never like this. I haven’t had a girlfriend, or… a boyfriend, but  I want to hold his hand, hold him, too.”

“What’s stopping you from doing that?”

“Because we are boys, and aren’t you supposed to want to date a girl if you are a boy?”

“I guess love doesn’t really follow rules like that?”

Donghae doesn’t reply to that. And a silence takes over them, it lasts almost long enough for Hyukjae’s thoughts to wander again when Donghae finally responds:

“But what do you think he will say? If he’d know all that?”

Hyukjae looks at Donghae for a second, letting his eyes rest on the younger’s face. The one that he’s gotten to know so well, the sparkling eyes, the unruly long hair the company picked out for him, even if it had only been months. He smiles, reaches out his hand, takes Donghae’s in his, intertwines their fingers.

“I think he’d say he likes you just the same.”