Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Avatar Groupchat”

[10:50 AM]

Annabelle Cane added Jane Prentiss to the group

bloodbot (BOT): Hello! Welcome to Avatar Groupchat. Please read our rules before introducing yourself.

Jane Prentiss: ......like the last airbender????

Jane Prentiss: hello?

callumbrooding: hi

Jane Prentiss: hi what the fuck

judepetty: Hey prentiss I’ve heard about you

Jane Prentiss: whats going on what is an avatar

judepetty: Um

spider-woman: u know how the wasps sing to u

spider-woman: bugs and holes and dirt and shit

spider-woman: stuff thats unclean

Jane Prentiss: i guess

spider-woman: thats called the corruption

Jane Prentiss: ? yeah i know what the concept of corruption is

Jane Prentiss: believe it or not i DO still have some brain left

Jane Prentiss: i think

spider-woman: no THE corruption

spider-woman: its one of the entities that exist next to our world and feed off of living things’ fear

spider-woman: ugh i feel so dramatic

spider-woman: whatev

Jane Prentiss: HUH??

spider-woman: to us theyre sort of like gods

spider-woman: some people worship em

spider-woman: u could say avatars are the physical manifestations that cause the fear to actually happen

spider-woman: earth is actually a very inefficient fear factory

Jane Prentiss: im gonna ignore half of that cause my head hurts

Jane Prentiss: so my

Jane Prentiss: patron??

spider-woman: sure

Jane Prentiss: my patron is “gross”

spider-woman: yep

Jane Prentiss: i can live w that its actually rather beautiful

Jane Prentiss: who are u

Jane Prentiss: wait lemme guess

Jane Prentiss: the stuff that sings to u is spiders

spider-woman: sort of its more like metaphorical spiders

spider-woman: its all in the rules that i wrote for this exact purpose but nobody reads them

Jane Prentiss: omg i love rules

judepetty: Ok well you’re a freak

judepetty: Annabelle do we have to go thru this every single time someone joins

spider-woman: for her i will :3

Jane Prentiss: boy do i fw worms

spider-woman: anyway read the rules omfg

Jane Prentiss: ok

Jane Prentiss: OHHHH ok i get it now

Jane Prentiss: so like theres 14

Jane Prentiss: ill memorise this shit with an acronym i did this all the time in primary

Jane Prentiss: no biggie

Jane Prentiss: what i REALLY need is to come up with the worlds best fuckin nickname you have ever fuckin seen

Jane Prentiss: give me a mo.

spider-woman: take your time sweetie

judepetty: There’s no way you’re beating mine. Bye.

[8:07 PM]

Jane Prentiss: ive given this a lot of thought

Jane Prentiss: and based upon the 4 buzzfeed articles, 18 reddit posts, and 1 obnoxious magnus institute public website mission statement i have read thus far

Jane Prentiss: i believe ive come up with the optimal name to give myself in order to ensure i have the greatest coolness factor of everybody on the entire planet

Jane Prentiss changed Jane Prentiss’s nickname to livingmybesthive

livingmybesthive: ultimate cool

spider-woman: @judepetty i think she beat you

judepetty: No. Mine is shorter so there’s more humor per letter

judepetty: More bang for your buck

livingmybesthive: thats exactly what a loser would say

[3:43 PM]

banksy11: oh jane :( you succumbed

livingmybesthive: um actually i SUCCumbed

livingmybesthive: or rather the worms did

banksy11: never mind youre chill welcome to the club

livingnmybesthive: yay ty 😁

[11:12 PM]

livingmybesthive: ok wait im actually kinda freaking out

livingmybesthive: i was terrified like a day ago and im still terrified

livingmybesthive: i was chilling in my house but then the spooky

livingmybesthive: and now im here?? on the streets?? attacking random ladies in order to feed™?? i guess??

judepetty: Get used to it girl

judepetty: Wait till u meet the old men

judepetty: They’re creepy but not even in like a supernatural way

judepetty: They don’t even care anymore when someone joins they just sigh (I presume) and ignore it

livingmybesthive: jude or whatv ur name is

livingmybesthive: is there like an eap but for avatars

livingmybesthive: avatar assistance program

livingmybesthive: i think im going insane

judepetty: Aren’t we all

judepetty: Ok listen

judepetty: No we don’t have an ‘AAP’

judepetty: But this group chat exists specifically because we have all gone through the same things, more or less

spider-woman: also bc its fucking funny

judepetty: So whatever you’re struggling with reach out to your friends because they can relate

judepetty: Not me though I’m not your friend

spider-woman: I AM !!!!!! creepy crawly club

livingmybesthive: ok

livingmybesthive: creepy crawly club :)

[MANY MONTHS LATER]

[1:09 AM]

Peter L.: Anyone up?

Peter L.: No?

Peter L.: Thank god

callumbrooding: i am

Peter L.: W.t.f. do you ever sleep

callumbrooding: sleep is for weak old people

Fairestofchilds: It’s easy for YOU to stay up! You’re a child

Fairestofchilds: Aren’t you nocturnal or something like that

Peter L.: Wait why are *you* up

Peter L.: Simon??

Peter L.: Elias why is he up???

JimmyMagma: Peter, I am trying to sleep.

callumbrooding: just turn on dnd

JimmyMagma: I burned my phone years ago. I do not communicate like a degenerate. I use my brain.

JimmyMagma: Which, for your information, does not have a Do Not Disturb option.

callumbrooding: sounds like a you problem :/

Peter L.: What so like the group chat magically lives in your head????

JimmyMagma: That is what I said.

Peter L.: Guess you need *something* to fill the space between your ears

Jonah Magnus removed Jonah Magnus from the group

Peter L.: 🙄 so touchy

Peter Lukas added Jonah Magnus to the group

Peter L.: What on earth are you doing though simon

Peter L.: What off earth* sorry

Fairestofchilds: Being awesome!

JimmyMagma: He’s stalking partygoers so he can kidnap them and throw them off Mt. Helen.

Hezekiah Wakely: How original.

JimmyMagma: I know.

Mikechtenberg: He stole that idea from me

Hezekiah Wakely: I was talking about the repetition. Mr Fairchild, do you never tire of pushing things off of high ledges and making them fall?

Peter L.: Of course he doesn’t he acts like a fucking cat it’s so irritating

Hezekiah Wakely: All I am saying is that perhaps a little variety would widen his view a bit... How does entrapment sound?

Fairestofchilds: Umm

Fairestofchilds: That sounds like NARROWING my view

Fairestofchilds: Not today thank you

[9:46 AM]

livingmybesthive: gm guys how are we :3

livingmybesthive: going landfill scavenging again today wish me luck ✌️😘

spider-woman: id rather not. superficial wishes are wasted in a world of unpredictability.

J: Wait which landfill

livingmybesthive: the one near oliver’s house

J: @banksy11 Where do you live

livingmybesthive: i dont think he’s online rn

livingmybesthive: it’s the cul-de-sac on 44th tho

J: Oh okay

livingmybesthive: why

J: You should go to the one near the abandoned kebab takeaway shop they put all their leftover shit there and it’s really nasty

livingmybesthive: ooooo ok thanks jared :)

J: Np

[4:39 PM]

livingmybesthive: yknow its really sad how me and jared are the only j names :(

livingmybesthive: it would be sooo nice if we could add another person to our duo

livingmybesthive: gee i wonder who else we know that has  aname starting with j

livingmybesthive: HINT HINT

spider-woman: no

livingmybesthive: ur no fun

judepetty: I’M RIGHT HERE YOU IDIOT

livingmybesthive: ok whatever it would be nice if we could add anotehr person to our trio

judepetty: What about Jonah

judepetty: Or Jurgen even

judepetty: That’s plenty of people to have a club

livingmybesthive: SHUT UP NO IT ISNT

judepetty: WHY ARE YOU SO OBSESSED WITH THE ARCHIVIST

livingmybesthive: WHO MENTIONED HIM

judepetty: WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THEN

judepetty: Yea that’s right that’s what I thought

judepetty: So how come you want him to join so bad then

livingmybesthive: he never showers

livingmybesthive: jonah told me while we were conspiring against you

livingmybesthive: think of how dirty his flat must be... i itch to explore it

judepetty: Oh ew that’s gross

judepetty: What

judepetty: You were what

livingmybesthive: 😊

judepetty: Jane.

judepetty: Jane I forgive you

livingmybesthive: no u dont :(((((

judepetty: Yes I do now tell me

livingmybesthive: wow very tactful

livingmybesthive: my feelings are hurt

livingmybesthive: : ......(

judepetty: Fine be that way idfc

[12:00 AM]

Fairestofchilds: GUYS IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JimmyMagma: I know.

Fairestofchilds: I’m talking to everyone but you dumbass

Fairestofchilds: Go be a vastard elsewhere

JimmyMagma: What did I even do this time?

[12:47 AM]

callumbrooding: happy birthday

[9:89 AM]

Peter L. replied to Fairestofchilds: “GUYS IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!...”

↳Peter L.: Congratulations on not dying back when you should’ve

Raywell Maxner: Happy birthday!

doorboy: happy bday :D

nikorsina: Happy birth-day! =oD

Mikechtenberg: Happy birthday stay cool

judepetty: Happy bday

spider-woman: happy birth mate

Hezekiah Wakely: Happy Birthday! Here’s to another year of unfriendly rivalry!

angus: happy birthday mr fairchild

doorgirl: happy birthday :3

Heekon: Happy

Brope: Birthday

J: Happy birthday

banksy11: One year closer to Death.

livingmybesthive: HAPPY BIRTDAY SIMON

[8:77 PM]

livingmybesthive: annabelle

livingmybesthive: annabelle

livingmybesthive: annabelle

livingmybesthive: annabelleee

livingmybesthive: aaaaaannaaaabelleeeeeeeeee

livingmybesthive: ANNABELLE

livingmybesthive: a n n a b e l l e

livingmybesthive: @spider-woman @spider-woman @spider-woman

spider-woman: what od you want omfg

livingmybesthive: ok so remember how u refused to wish me good luck earlier cause “the world isfilled with unpredicatablebility” or whatever

livingmybesthive: i was dirtying my kitchen and suddenly got mad about it

livingmybesthive: so i NEED to tell you

livingmybesthive: i NEED to make sure ur aware

spider-woman: what

livingmybesthive: ur a bitch (friendly)

livingmybesthive: u are literally the reason the world is unpredicttable

spider-woman: and do u see me asking for luck? bitch (friendly)

livingmybesthive: also

livingmybesthive: “superficial wishes”??

livingmybesthive: are u calling my well-being superficial

spider-woman: girl

spider-woman: when are u ever well

livingmybesthive replied to spider-woman: “and do u see me asking for luc...”

↳livingmybesthive: no but u dont need luck

livingmybesthive: u control ur luck

livingmybesthive: ur the one who murders stardew valley players by sending them infested mines

livingmybesthive: ur the one who clogs the london roads bc u felt like seeing a meteor shower at 5 pm on a friday

livingmybesthive: like im lowk jelly :(

spider-woman: aww babe thanks for sharing how u feel w me

spider-woman: tbf i really dont do *everything*... like i can kinda shift the universe toward the second most likely future instead of the most likely one for example but i cant manipulate like evolution or anything

livingmybesthive: sometimes i just feel like its vaguely unfair

spider-woman: i get that

livingmybesthive: i mean dont get me wrong i love my babies and i love scaring ecdc freaks but srsly ??

spider-woman: i wanna try and make it a bit more fair lmk if theres any normally random events u’d like to happen

livingmybesthive: omg YESSSS can u drop another airpods release plz mine got eaten by an unnaturally blue lake

Fairestofchilds: OH MY GOD SHUT UP YOU TWO

livingmybesthive: it was actually YOUR lake in YOUR infinite forest so you shut up

livingmybesthive: wanna know how i know?

livingmybesthive: the ENTIRE PLACE smelled like OLD MAN

livingmybesthive: i was legit only going there for a metaphysical snack i wanted to see if there were any good termite logs :(

livingmybesthive: but u woudlnt even let me adopt one singular mushroom

livingmybesthive: u dont even kno how long its been since ive gotten myself a supernatural mushroom

livingmybesthive: everyone thinks that the corruption is allll about bugs and dirt

livingmybesthive: whatever happened to the mycologists???

livingmybesthive: oh right my buddy the creeping growth ate them

livingmybesthive: whatever my point still stands u all could show at least a LITTLE appreciation for nectar-sweet song

Mikechtenberg: Great now he’s crying. Well done

banksy11: jane i gotta confess i used to feel bad for u cos i walked into ur crystal shop one day before u were Worm Lady™ and u were like choked in End

livingmybesthive: oh ur weird purple vine things right

banksy11: but u seem to be doing just fine so

livingmybesthive: oliver i have depression

banksy11: oh

banksy11: mb

Chapter Text

[2:03 PM]

banksy11: SIGHHHHH

Peter L: What is it now???

spider-woman: no he’s always like that

spider-woman: oliver i feel like you sigh enough in real life why do you have to do it over text as well

banksy11: shut up

Fairestofchilds: Lad, what are you sighing about?!

banksy11: oh nothing................... just my mortality...........

spider-woman: ok emo boy

spider-woman: (archivist voice) good lord

banksy11: well maybe i was sighing because of YOU

spider-woman: whatever have i ever done to you, oliver?

Peter L.: Why are you pissing off the group chat administrator???

banksy11: she loves me idk what ur talking about

Fairestofchilds: Uh huh

Fairestofchilds: In the same way Jonah “loves” Jane

spider-woman: WAIT EVERYONE SHUT UP

spider-woman: JONAH AND JANE

Peter L.: ??????

spider-woman: IU SAID SHUTTUP

banksy11: oh my god

spider-woman: are u thinking what im thinking

banksy11: their ship name.

Peter L.: Well, how come Oliver’s allowed to talk?

Fairestofchilds: Their what?

livingmybesthive: our WHAT

Peter L.: A ship, you say?

spider-woman: ignore the decrepit pop culture amateurs

spider-woman: we understand each other now oliver

banksy11: we are not friends

spider-woman: yes we are

banksy11: no we arent

spider-woman: whatever you say bestie 🥰

Peter L.: Why is no one answering my questions???

spider-woman: what were we talking about

banksy11 replied to Peter L.: “??????”

↳banksy11: this is not a question buddy

Peter L.: I’m going to leave

banksy11: i’m sure everyone will be very surprised to hear that

spider-woman: OH YEAH MY AMAZING IDEA

banksy11: im pretty sure u just stole it from my head but whatever

spider-woman: i cant read minds stupid

spider-woman: anyway their ship name should be

spider-woman: drumroll please

banksy11: brrrrrbrnflkbblbllblb

spider-woman: is that what you think a drumroll sounds like

spider-woman: anyway thank you gadies and lents

livingmybesthive: actually one (1) singular oliver drumrolled for u so ur wrong

spider-woman: its giving 🤓☝🏿

banksy11: HURRY UP W IT

spider-woman: right yes

spider-woman: on three one two three

banksy11: jane/jonah = BUGHOLDING

spider-woman: jane x jonah = PARASIGHT

banksy11: oh yours is better

Fairestofchilds: ...Golf claps.

spider-woman replied to banksy11: “im pretty sure u just stole it…”

↳spider-woman: SEE I DIDNT

banksy11: you are right im sorru

banksy11: sorry

spider-woman: thank you dear :spider-heart:

spider-woman: @livingmybesthive what do u think ::::)))

livingmybesthive: i am APPALLED

livingmybesthive: IM NOt ENRIRELY BUGS

livingmybesthive: IN FACT IM ALSO

livingmybesthive: WORMS

spider-woman: yes ma’am 🥰

spider-woman: ooh

spider-woman: may i propose

spider-woman: BEHOLEDING

spider-woman: geddit

spider-woman: because you’re made of holes

livingmybesthive: because i’m made of holes yes i get it now pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty please can we end this conversation

spider-woman: no

banksy11: no

livingmybesthive: i hate all of u

nikorsina: What did I do?

livingmybesthive: nooo not u nikola!!!!!

livingmybesthive: what are u doing here anyhow?

banksy11: im leaving guys bye

livingmybesthive: bye

banksy11: i thought you “hated” me 🙄

livingmybesthive: IT WAS A REFLEX

livingmybesthive: and you cant quote things i didnt actually say

banksy11: fine i thought you “hate”d me

livingmybesthive: much better

banksy11: its one letter jfc

livingmybesthive: clarity is very important oliver. i hope ur not planning to get a phd someday

banksy11: bye to everyone except jane

nikorsina: Goodbye, Oliver!

nikorsina: To answer your question, Jane — I am currently on a train, and it is extremely boring!

livingmybesthive: oh

livingmybesthive: so

nikorsina: Haha. A delightful thought just occurred to me. If you were here, and I wish you were, you’d be Jane on a train!

nikorsina: And if you were lying on the tracks I’m looking at right now, you’d be Jane, in pain, hit by a train!

nikorsina: I suppose that might make you fairly ashamed... and if you lost a leg in the process, you’d be quite lame!

nikorsina: How I adore things that make sense, but also don’t!

nikorsina: As well as things that don’t, but also do!

nikorsina: Anyway, to entertain myself, I opened up the groupchat!

livingmybesthive: how long ago.....

nikorsina: Also to distract myself because no one is here to give me strange looks and I feel sad!

spider-woman: aww honey im lookin at u strange ❗️🫵🏿

nikorsina: Thank you!

livingmybesthive: nikko

livingmybesthive: have you been . shadowing this entire conversation

nikorsina: Maybe! =o)

livingmybesthive: oh dear... oh no

nikorsina: Parasight, my OTP! (Teasing!)

livingmybesthive: time to crawl (ha) into a ditch and hide

spider-woman: ur literally talking abt this on main idk how u want us to avoid u (believe me if i could i would (friendly))

spider-woman: like ofc nikola was gonna see it

livingmybesthive: might i remind u that i opted to NOT discuss what my SHIP NAME WITH JONAH MAGNUS would be but was overruled

livingmybesthive: @Hezekiah Wakely can u show me to a hole where i can bury myself pls

Hezekiah Wakely: Why are you asking me? We barely know each other.

livingmybesthive: well u’re the only FDBC avatar i know

Hezekiah Wakely: Well. Sure.

livingmybesthive: frankly ive always thought Forever Deep Below Creation was a misleading name

Hezekiah Wakely: How so?

livingmybesthive: like yeah i mean technically youre “below” when ur in the actual real non-supernatural ground made of dirt

livingmybesthive: but afaik the buried pocket dimensions especially the coffin emphasise a lack of directionality

Hezekiah Wakely: I suppose so.

Broke: We know of the coffin.

Heepon: Choke sings in the rain.

livingmybesthive: so u could actually be forever deep above creation

livingmybesthive: or next to i guess

livingmybesthive: thats fitting cause we say the fears are “next to” our world

livingmybesthive: so it should really be

livingmybesthive: forever deep

livingmybesthive: uh

livingmybesthive: no waut

livingmybesthive: forever

livingmybesthive: exiled from

livingmybesthive: the planet

spider-woman: you know what jane i agree lets petition the board of dread powers

livingmybesthive: the what

spider-woman: im being sarcastic there is no board of dps

livingmybesthive: u make me sad

spider-woman: just doin my job babe ::::P

nikorsina: Is this what friendship is like?

livingmybesthive: only with annabelle

spider-woman: only with jane!!!!!

Peter Lukas to Jonah Magnus

[2:25 PM]

me: What do you think of all this??

eliass: Go away.

me: L.m.f.a.o.

me: Gladly.

“Avatar Groupchat”

[4:44 PM]

spider-woman: @nikorsina are you still on your train?

nikorsina: Yes, it’s a forty-hour ride!

spider-woman: and have you made many stops?

nikorsina: Yes — we’ve stopped so often I’m starting to get annoyed! Not just because there’s no people getting on and I miss being looked at as if I were a plastic mannequin come to life, but because I’m cold and there’s no one here whose skin I can wear =o(

spider-woman: NO one??? ::::(

nikorsina: I know, right?

spider-woman: the utter horror.

spider-woman: don’t worry i’ll fix this

spider-woman: @Peter L. i know this is your doing

spider-woman: i can just feel it

spider-woman: the whole sitch has gloomy pathetic old sea captain vibes

Peter L.: ...

spider-woman: peter lukas unvanish everyone on nikolas train RIGHT THIS SECOND

Peter L.: But there’s this one guy who’s having such a great time drifting away into solitude...

spider-woman: PETER MORDECHAI LUKAS.

Peter L.: That’s not my middle name

spider-woman: it was a good guess though, right?

Peter L.: No comment

spider-woman: shUT THE WEB UP I DO NOT CARE. YOU GIVE NIKOLA BACK AT LEAST SOME VICTIMS RIGHT NOW OR I WILL EAT YOU ALIVE

Peter L.: Sheesh fine just stop yelling at me

spider-woman: much appreciated.

Peter L.: Also technically the world didn’t disappear from the guy, the guy disappeared from the world

spider-woman: i literally could not care any less

spider-woman: i care negative amounts

nikorsina: Annabelle, you’re so sweet! How can I ever repay you?!

spider-woman: flay peter alive for me sometime ::::)

nikorsina: Oh look! There are people here now! Lovely =o)

nikorsina: Don’t worry! It was already on the bucket list!

Peter L.: Ugh. Ew. Hope it’s worth it

Peter L.: Wait what???

[6:43 PM]

banksy11: i think we need more original nicknames

banksy11: i mean mine is perfect of course but you all could stand some improvement

Mikechtenberg: I hope you’re not referring to me because mine is also perfect

banksy11: oh of course not you are definitely excepted

banksy11: but @spider-woman yours is literally just your gender plus the most famous motif of the fear you serve

spider-woman: um

spider-woman: have you never heard of spider-man.

banksy11: ohh

banksy11: forgive me im a lil slow

spider-woman: my name is MULTI-LAYERED and /complex/

spider-woman: stupid uncultured coroner

spider-woman: hha everuone point and laugh

J: With which finger

banksy11: :(

banksy11: this is bullying

spider-woman: jk babe xoxo

spider-woman: anyway leave the rest of us alone banksy didnt even paint particularly deathy stuff so urs isnt even that good >::::(

spider-woman: u can identify words that mesh well w ur name big whoop

spider-woman: literally who else in this chat has a shitty nickname

banksy11: hezekiah, jared,

J: Hey

spider-woman: bruh their nicknames are the names they go by u cant hate on them for that

spider-woman: go on

banksy11: uh

spider-woman: and you cant say the door twins have unoriginal names bc their names are always banger and u know it

doorgirl: DAMN RIGHT

doorboy: our god is just inherently the coolest what can i say

J: Wrong

Mikechtenberg: No mine is

livingmybesthive: u rly had to go and start this again smh

angus: @doorboy jude is mad at you for insinuating that the spiral is better than the desolation but she’s busy setting fire to a roller coaster so she wanted me to tell you she’s thinking of you as she watches the wooden foundations topple

doorboy: tell jude i love her too

angus: no thank you i’d like to stay intact

doorboy: well then no comment

Peter L.: My favorite kind of comment

spider-woman: shut up wrinkles who invited u here

doorgirl: ius she saying the desolation is “cool” 😭

doorgirl: p sure that couldnt be further from the truth

doorgirl: which is actually very on brand for me

doorgirl: see spiral shit is applicable everywhere

angus: jude says fuck you both

doorboy: htis gc is so fucking chaotic pls im getting a headache

doorboy: and i AM a headache

doorgirl: haha we’re like thing 1 and thing 2

doorgirl: headache 1 and headache 2

doorboy: headache 1 and headache 2

doorboy: jinx

doorgirl: #sharingabraincell

spider-woman replied to spider-woman: “and you cant say the door twin…”

↳spider-woman: case in point

spider-woman replied to spider-woman: “go on”

↳spider-woman: oliver if u dont reply i win

banksy11: NO

banksy11: because

banksy11: hm

banksy11: i have cooler hair than u

spider-woman: latest polls indicate i have the coolest hair of all avatars ever

banksy11: FUCK

spider-woman: i win

banksy11: what i cant hear you

banksy11: i think youre cutting out did u just say u forfeit

spider-woman: no 💀

banksy11: ok great cya

[7:05 PM]

livingmybesthive replied to banksy11: “i think we need more original ...”

↳livingmybesthive: i assume i’m excluded from this statement

livingmybesthive: (because i am)

[7:15 PM]

JimmyMagma replied to banksy11: “i think we need more original ...”

↳JimmyMagma: Such insight. If only my nickname could be my actual name.

banksy11: wdym

Oliver Banks changed Jonah Magnus’s nickname to Magnus

bloodbot (BOT) changed Jonah Magnus’s nickname to JimmyMagma

banksy11: oh

banksy11: lmao embarrassing

banksy11: who

banksy11: why

JimmyMagma: I have not yet discovered who it is that has done this.

banksy11: well ik why its obv a superior name

banksy11: but like

JimmyMagma: I will block you if you do not. Stop. Talking.

banksy11: yes papa sir

banksy11: DAMN DAMN DAMN HOW DO I DELETR MESSAGES

banksy11: IT DIDNT EOUND LIKEBTHAT IN MY HEAD

banksy11: IMNSORRY

JimmyMagma: Banks.

JimmyMagma: Do you want to be kicked?

JimmyMagma: Fuck

banksy11: ...

banksy11: yea no i think we’re even

[7:34 PM]

judepetty replied to banksy11: “i think we need more original ...”

↳judepetty: I do like my (very original) nickname but it’s getting a little stale

judepetty: @angus help me out

angus: what are you thinking?

judepetty: Wanna match?

angus: why would you even ask that of course i do

judepetty: Ooh we should be Angus and Gregg from nitw

angus: fun fact im actually angus because it sounds like agnes + anus and im a 12 year old boy in spirit

angus: but thats super cute im down

Agnes Montague changed Jude Perry’s nickname to gregg

gregg: Yoooooooooo

angus: yoooooooooo

doorgirl: omg are we doing a nickname change? @doorboy yk exactly what tf is up

gregg: “We” are not

The Distortion (Helen) changed The Distortion (Helen)’s nickname to headache 1

headache 1: oh wait thats annoying what

headache 1: lemme mess w my settings

headache 1: ok back

headache 1: mission intimidate helens settings into submission was successful

Helen Distortion changed The Distortion (Michael)’s nickname to headache 2

headache 1: @headache 2 fix urs we needa match

headache 2: what

headache 2: oh

headache 2: ok done

headache 2: im now michael distortion

headache 1: brilliant

headache 1: yea i felt like it might feel weird if we were both The Distortion

headache 1: idk how i never noticed those were our usernames before

headache 1: hope this is fine with u

headache 2: yea totally identity is complicated enough

headache 1: ugh dont say the i word

headache 2: yes madam my apologies

headache 2: wait

headache 2: why cant i be #1

headache 1: im older

headache 2: UR A FAKE SPIRAL MONSTER U BELIEVE IN TIME OHHHHH

headache 1: it literally does not matter but ok

headache 2: yes it DOES

headache 2: in MY world (the most important one) it does

headache 1: well u believe in NUMBERS so THERE

headache 1: fake AF

spider-woman: ogh muy fuckin god if u two dont take this inane discussion to private dms im gonn kick u both into last week

headache 1: oh look whos talking

spider-woman: its cool when its me and jane plus i have admin so there

headache 2: “WEEK”?????

headache 2: AHH ANOTHER ONE

headache 1: AHH RUN AWaYYY

Chapter Text

[3:54 AM]

Oliver Banks changed Oliver Banks’s nickname to death is just around the coroner

headache 1: rly took u 9 business days to come up w that one

death is just around the coroner: shut the fuck up its from the addams family musical

headache 1: of course

headache 1: of all musicals

headache 1: why am i even surprised that im not surprised

death is just around the coroner: you WISH your fear god was as metal as mine

death is just around the coroner: huh

headache 1: ;)

death is just around the coroner: i miss when you made sense (5 minutes ago)

headache 1: did you forget who you’re talking to?

death is just around the coroner: unfortunately, i did not

headache 1: DAMMIT

headache 1: oh dear michaels never going to let me hear the end of this

death is just around the coroner: huh???

headache 1: i can ALWAYS make people forget things

headache 1: shit fukc

death is just around the coroner: HAHA LLLL

headache 1: maybe it doesnt count cause youre not a people??

headache 1: I SWEAR TO THE END ANTONIO

headache 1: oh that actually sounds kinda sick

headache 1: slightly better than “i swear to the spiral” (SLIGHTLY)

death is just around the coroner: see. metal

death is just around the coroner: YOU ADMITTED ITTTT

headache 1: for shame

headache 1: aight imma head out its bedtime

headache 1: im hungry so me and michael r gonna terrorise some people out of sleeping

death is just around the coroner: truce even though i won?

headache 1: fine. truce even though i won

headache 1: ill even shake hands... i guess..

death is just around the coroner: no way in hell

death is just around the coroner: i learned my lesson

headache 1: aw i had a joybuzzer and everything

death is just around the coroner: what is that

headache 1: the electric buzzer thingy u put in ur palm when u shake hands so u can shock people (im unveiling my evil plan u better be grateful)

death is just around the coroner: helen

death is just around the coroner: you cant “joybuzz” people over text

death is just around the coroner: as a matter of fact you cant shake hands virtually either

death is just around the coroner: unless you use emojis i guess

headache 1: of course i cant thats why im rapidly approaching your location

death is just around the coroner: WHAT???

headache 1: im coming for you michael

headache 1: i mean oliver

headache 1: wtf

headache 1: im coming for yooouuuuu

headache 1: oliver?

headache 1: whered u go bro

[6:10 AM]

livingmybesthive: @headache 1 did u ever find out what happened to oliver???? i was really invested

death is just around the coroner: bitch im right here

Mikechtenberg: Did something happen to him??

Mikechtenberg: Oh hi Oliver

Mikechtenberg: Love the new nickname

death is just around the coroner: hiiiii

death is just around the coroner: tyyyyy

livingmybesthive: @mike scroll up

Mikechtenberg: Ok

Mikechtenberg: Oh

headache 1: ok imagine me steepling my hand appendages and cackling gleefully when i say this

headache 1: his window was broken

headache 1: because he jumped out of it

headache 1: to hide in his garden’s DECORATIVE COFFIN

headache 1: because of course he fuckin has one

livingmybesthive: oh my god.

death is just around the coroner: shut up

death is just around the coroner: dont act like u dont trim all ur bushes into spiral shapes

headache 1: i will actually :>>>

headache 1: so when i got there (i came out through the front door because im not a madwoman) i was like “hmmmm where could he POSSIBLY be”

Mikechtenberg: You good buddy?

death is just around the coroner: im humiliated im never living this down

headache 1: that’s correct my undearest

death is just around the coroner: 🖕🏾

Mikechtenberg: Helen.

headache 1 sent a file: sitting_pretty_reaction_meme.png

headache 1: aaaaanyway he peaced outta there real fast but not before i got a good few looks at his ghost figurine colelction

spider-woman: omg like the band?????

headache 1: yes 😈

spider-woman: that is so based

spider-woman: and very appropriate

death is just around the coroner: hate you all

death is just around the coroner: except for annabelle for the ghost appreciation

death is just around the coroner: ghost is peak

headache 1: says oliver banks, end avatar, death harbinger, pseudo-necromancer, spectre affiliate

headache 1: like

headache 1: way to rebrand /j

death is just around the coroner: ...

headache 1: yeeessss?

headache 1: oliver

headache 1: whered you go

headache 1: twisting deceit!!!! not again 🥀

headache 1: OH nvm lmao look what he just posted

headache 1 sent a file: painting_because_murder_is_wrong.mp4

livingmybesthive: HAHAHAHA im putting this on bumblr

livingmybesthive: (tumblr for bumblebees)

spider-woman: yea we got it

[8:00 AM]

Breekon changed Hope’s nickname to Not Breekon

Hope changed Breekon’s nickname to Not Hope

spider-woman: fuck no

nikorsina: Someone’s having fun!

Hope changed Breekon’s nickname to Not Not Brope

Breekon changed Hope’s nickname to Not Not Heekon

spider-woman: good thing i dont talk to you two

nikorsina: You could even say..........................

nikorsina: ...

nikorsina: .....

nikorsina: Come on, Annabelle!

spider-woman: fine

spider-woman: good thing i do not know you

nikorsina: Hell yeah!

nikorsina: That’s correct!

nikorsina: Yay!

spider-woman: :)

nikorsina: Oh my gosh!!! Annabelle!!!

spider-woman: what?

nikorsina: Are you okay?!

spider-woman: yea?

spider-woman: why wouldnt i be?

nikorsina: It looks like you’ve lost six of your eyes!

spider-woman: OH SHit ur right

spider-woman: whoopsie

spider-woman edited a message “:)”: “::::)”

spider-woman: there fixed ::::)

nikorsina: Phew!

nikorsina: I got worried for a second there!

[1:12 PM]

headache 2: wait i have an even better idea

Michael Distortion changed Helen Distortion’s nickname to helen’t

Michael Distortion changed Michael Distortion’s nickname to nichael

helen’t: YO

helen’t: my goodness

helen’t: why didn’t we come up with this earlier

nichael: we??

helen’t: i bet u just didnt want to be #2

helen’t: and my name is STILL better than urs :]

nichael: well help me come up with a better one then

nichael: i cant very well be michael’nt now can i

nichael: or would it be michaeln’t???

helen’t: hmmm...

nichael: and dont say nochael

helen’t: snaps fingers

helen’t: i got it

nichael: i think you mean fun-gers

Helen Distortion changed Michael Distortion’s nickname to miken’t

helen’t: acceptable?

miken’t: great

miken’t: and together we’re the distortion’t

helen’t: YES

Mikechtenberg: Hey I’m the mike round here

miken’t: and im not :]

miken’t: i’mn’t mike

Mikechtenberg: You irritate me but I’ll deign to lend you my name because we are the Michaels

miken’t: damn right michael solidarity

miken’t: mate i dont even go by mike anyway

[2:36 PM]

nikorsina: We should really change the chat name! Not all of us are Avatars! =oL

Not Not Heekon: Much agreed

Not Not Brope: That’s true

livingmybesthive: ya ive always felt that the line was very blurry

livingmybesthive: i mean look at me

Fairestofchilds: I’d rather not

livingmybesthive: oh fuckoff grandpa everyone knows im hot

gregg: Not as hot as me

livingmybesthive: so you agree im hot tho

gregg: No

livingmybesthive: i have fanclubs upon fanclubs

livingmybesthive: they call me worm wife

livingmybesthive: which come to think of it is vaguely problematic

livingmybesthive: ANYWAY im not even fully representative of the crawling rot

livingmybesthive: like simon specialises in heights but he can also do depths

livingmybesthive: but i am exclusively a flesh hive so does that make me an avatar or an entity or what???

livingmybesthive: i guess an avatar cause i was once human and im not a manifestation i just fell victim to one

livingmybesthive: but im not too subtle for an av

livingmybesthive: a flesh hive like really

livingmybesthive: for worms specifically not even bumblebees or other things that live in hives

livingmybesthive: fungal powers were always a pipe dream 💔

gregg: Are you done.

livingmybesthive: no

livingmybesthive: so

Jude Perry muted Jane Prentiss

nikorsina: I suggest we call the chat “Nikola and Friends”!

Mikechtenberg: Whatever is wrong with “Mike and friends”

nikorsina: What about “Nikola’s Circus”? I am a ringmaster, after all!

miken’t: i dont think jimmy would like that

miken’t: wait

miken’t: wait

miken’t: you guys

miken’t: im a genius

Michael Distortion renamed the group to michael club & friends

Mikechtenberg: All in favor say aye

miken’t: aye

Mikechtenberg: Aye

callumbrooding: theres literally only 2 michaels

miken’t: well then we should enlist more obviously

Mikechtenberg: The only other person I know whose name is sort of Michael-adjacent is salesa

miken’t: ohhh yeahhh

miken’t: lads does that count

miken’t: fellas is it gay to michael

miken’t: fuck it im gonna track down his number

miken’t: @helen’t u got anyth?

helen’t: na try jonah

miken’t: oh duh soz

miken’t: @JimmyMagma maggyyy

miken’t: jooooooneeeeess

helen’t: hes not gonna talk to u for another hundred yrs if u call him maggie

miken’t: i said MAGGY which is much better

helen’t: oh of course

JimmyMagma: I would have given you Salesa’s number had you not been so irresponsibly, and predictably, childish.

miken’t: oh fuck off jimmy magma ive already got it anyway

miken’t: in the 3 seconds u chose to spend being an asshat i acquired mr mikaele salesa’s phone number

helen’t: what how

miken’t: i got friends :>

miken’t: on the OOOOTHERRR SIDEEEE

helen’t: youll have to tell me sometime

miken’t: boo u dont get my references lame

helen’t: whatever ask him already

miken’t: i DID sheesh why else do u think the chat is so utterly devoid of my linguistic prowess rn

helen’t: wow somebodys using some big words

helen’t: yk i think tht might be the most sense ive ever heard u make

miken’t: shut up omg hes typing

miken’t: STILL TYPUNG WTF

callumbrooding: i imagine its hard to type while juggling haunted artefacts

helen’t: callum.

miken’t: omg. callum

helen’t: DONT INTERRUPT ME MICHAEL

helen’t: callum brodie was that a joke

callumbrooding: sigh

miken’t: HE SAID YES

Michael Distortion added Mikaele Salesa to the group

bloodbot (BOT): Hello! Welcome to michael club & friends. Please read our rules before introducing yourself.

Mikaele Salesa: Hello.

Mikaele Salesa: How many people are here?

helen’t: define “people”

Mikaele Salesa: Ah, yes. I meant “members”.

miken’t: oh my god hello im such a big fan

miken’t: @Mikechtenberg look whos here looklooklook

helen’t: bro ur gonna scare him away

miken’t: but its the vase guy... im in awe...

Mikechtenberg: Hello sir how do you do

Mikaele Salesa: Well! What a fine welcome. I am quite well. How are you, Michael Crew?

Mikechtenberg: I’m pretty good myself

Mikechtenberg: Did you rhyme that on purpose.

Mikaele Salesa: I wouldn’t dream of it.

[3:20 PM]

nikorsina: Wait, so, did we end up deciding on a new name for the GC, or — ?

helen’t: idk

miken’t: its michael club nd friends

helen’t: no it isn’t

miken’t: it literally is

helen’t: not for long

Mikaele Salesa: I’ve finished reading the rules now.

spider-woman: OMG THANK YOU

Mikaele Salesa: I’m not an Avatar, so why am I here?

nikorsina: My point exactly!

helen’t: yeah MICHAEL

helen’t: why IS he here???

miken’t: ...

miken’t: yeah MIKE

miken’t: care to explane

Mikechtenberg: If that was a Vast joke fuck you

Mikechtenberg: Actually fuck you regardless

miken’t: im a literal genius too bad you cant appreciate it :P

Mikaele Salesa: My question?

Mikechtenberg: Right

Mikechtenberg: Fine

Mikechtenberg: Mr. Salesa welcome to the groupchat

Mikechtenberg: Individuals affiliated with the supernatural are added here by some mysterious force

spider-woman: i wonder who it could be

spider-woman: ah well who’s to say

spider-woman: no mysterious forces around here

Mikechtenberg: Shut up Annabelle

Mikechtenberg: Anyway we may have stretched the rules a little bit to add you but we needed more Michaels in order to justify renaming the group “Michael Club and Friends”

helen’t: you still need more

helen’t: if u think 3 is enough to be majority u need to go back to school bruv

miken’t: shut uo helen

Mikaele Salesa: Unfortunately, Helen is correct.

Mikechtenberg: Betrayal

miken’t: i thought you were on our side ???

Mikaele Salesa: Not many can argue in the face of math.

helen’t: see salesa knows mike n friends is a dumb name

miken’t: well what if we WERE majority

helen’t: it would be extra stupid

miken’t: I CANT WIN

miken’t: ykw im not a mike sort of guy anyway

Michael Distortion changed Michael Distortion’s nickname to doorboy

doorboy: im a michael

doorboy: gotta stay true to my roots

helen’t: fine

helen’t: but i love my name :(

helen’t: whatever

Helen Distortion changed Helen Distortion’s nickname to doorgirl

doorboy: WAIT NO I HAVE A BETTER IDEA

doorboy: good news u can change it back

doorgirl: i get to keep it??

doorboy: you get to keep it :]

doorgirl: YAY

Helen Distortion changed Helen Distortion’s nickname to helen’t

helen’t: so whats ur grand idea

doorboy: ur gonna love this

helen’t: i doubt it

doorboy: wow such faith in my creative abilities

helen’t: hurry up we dont match and its making me itchy

Michael Distortion changed Michael Distortion’s nickname to unichael

unichael: get it

unichael: un-michael

unichael: unmichael

helen’t: unichael

unichael: unichael

helen’t: hehe

helen’t: heheee

unichael: what

helen’t: unicornichael

unichael: SHIT

unichael: NO

helen’t: yessssssssssssssssssss

unichael sent a file: emoji_burning_away.gif

unichael: fine.

unichael: if this is how it has to be

unichael: i am actually quite content with being unicorn michael thank you very much HELEN

helen’t: :))))))))) :)))))) :DDDDDD :)))))))))))

Mikaele Salesa: I am perplexed.

helen’t: oh right u need a nickname omg

unichael: @livingmybesthive cmere we need ur brain

unichael: ???

unichael: oh shes muted again

Michael Distortion unmuted Jane Prentiss

livingmybesthive: THANK YOU MICHAEL

livingmybesthive: do u all know how lonely the void of being muted can get.

livingmybesthive: i see you typing peter. dont you DARE

livingmybesthive: bad dp jokes are /my/ thing

unichael: i got so scared i was like theres no way shes actually offline

livingmybesthive: thats a compliment thank uuu i do make the rules

livingmybesthive: anyway omg ok new nicknaming

livingmybesthive: mr salesa i hope you know this is a momentous occasion

livingmybesthive: what does mr salesa do

unichael: sell artefacts

Mikaele Salesa: I facilitate the global exchange of supernaturally touched commodities and other goods.

unichael: wow ok

livingmybesthive: ok lets wrack our brains here

livingmybesthive: HOLY SHIT

Jane Prentiss changed Mikaele Salesa’s name to sasa lele

sasa lele: What?

livingmybesthive sent a file: SASA_LELE.png

sasa lele: Oh.

sasa lele: Haha. It even sounds like my name.

livingmybesthive: fab

livingmybesthive: consider urself well & truly initiated

sasa lele: Thanks!

sasa lele: I think.

livingmybesthive: miklele sasalele

livingmybesthive: mikaelele salelesasa

livingmybesthive: salesasa mikalele

unichael: ur giving me another headache

livingmybesthive: suck it up blondie and bask in my intellectual mastery

unichael: atp ur just smushing the words together and hoping smth coherent comes out

livingmybesthive: have u met me

unichael: 😐

unichael: 😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐

helen’t: omg this is great

helen’t: and u know whats even awesomer

helen’t: while u fools have been bickering ive come up with a name for the gc

helen’t: the best one mind u

helen’t: not just any name. no

helen’t: its THE name of all time

helen’t: irs so good

unichael: then tell us what it is wtf

helen’t: im GETTING TO IT

helen’t: i have to introduce it first sheesh

unichael: this bitch

Mikechtenberg: No I agree with Michael

unichael: thanks michael :)

Mikechtenberg: (Not the bitch part)

helen’t: ur just mad i came up with it and u didnt

unichael: i doNT EVEN KNOW WHA5 IT IS YET

helen’t: so

helen’t: we have this plethora of brilliant nicknames courtesy of my frenemy jane

unichael: uhh nope shes MY frenemy

helen’t: shut up

livingmybesthive: aww 🥺

helen’t: anuway to top all that off

Helen Distortion renamed the group to band of the silly willies

helen’t: boom

unichael: oh.

unichael: my.

unichael: god.

unichael: helen what

helen't: get it

helen't: b

helen't: beca

helen't: because we give people the

helen't: the

helen't: the willies

unichael: HAHAHAHAHAHA

helen't: @nikorsina what do u think

nikorsina: I approve of this solution!

Chapter Text

[12:52 AM]

livingmybesthive: yall

livingmybesthive: i saw this guy today

livingmybesthive: (well i guess yesterday now)

livingmybesthive: and i mean he is so CUTE

spider-woman: omg SPILL

livingmybesthive: annabelle!!!! exactly the woman i need

spider-woman: whats up?

livingmybesthive: so

livingmybesthive: hollup i gotta start from the beginning

livingmybesthive: remember the dude that got wrapped in web

spider-woman: i dont follow

livingmybesthive: i mean literal web not really metaphorical web

livingmybesthive: so last year a few of my worms (well not MY worms at the time) visited some guys flat (cause it smelled bad & we were looking for a nice place to settle down) and they discovered a giant white turd on the floor?? turned out twas a dead body covered in web like a giant fly or smth

livingmybesthive: anyway thats not important

spider-woman: oh YEAHH i remember u called me in hysterics

livingmybesthive: perhaps i was sliiightly manic

spider-woman: yeah no wasn’t my doing musta been some other web avatar

spider-woman: i’m not quite so crude and the web prefers subtlety

spider-woman: that av mustve not been great at their job

spider-woman: soz continue i must hear abt this cute guy

livingmybesthive: so i go right to see for myself but i do so almost a month later so of course the dead guy’s gone by then

spider-woman: a month??

livingmybesthive: i mean i knew his turd body was gonna be taken away but i was mostly going to check out the housing situation

livingmybesthive: yea my new worm friends were not great at giving directions and i sort of had to follow them to the guys flat (which was only a mile away from the dumpster i was hiding in smh)

livingmybesthive: usually they use the sewers and pipes and stuff which gets em moving much faster (slick with speed goo or whatever) but obviously i cant fit in there

spider-woman: couldnt u have just carried them and set them on the ground whenever u reached a fork in the road

livingmybesthive: i DID but i also had to go only by night

spider-woman: oh right duh

livingmybesthive: and we got slightly turned around

livingmybesthive: ✨A N Y W A Y✨

livingmybesthive: i pull up and HOLY jeez it is beautiful

livingmybesthive: oh wait lemme back up

livingmybesthive: i figured they wouldnt let a flesh hive in thru the front door so i had to use a side window on the ground floor which happened to open into the basement i guess and the smell of rot was everywhere i mean i was in heaven and there was this weird green filth growing up the sides of the structural support pillars

livingmybesthive: same green stuff was covering the trim outside but somehow the light made it so much prettier in here

spider-woman: jane honey i love you but if you give me any more corruptiony details

livingmybesthive: right yes sorry 😔 (my life is so hard)

livingmybesthive: continuing on i fall in love with the place and decide to move in

livingmybesthive: i think i told u abt this already when it was happening

spider-woman: yes but i shall hear it again

livingmybesthive: aight

livingmybesthive: i stay there for round six months and nobody comes to check the basement ONCE it’s so great

livingmybesthive: but then HORROR befalls me, the manager or somebody discovers like two (2) rogue worms, i get evicted (chased out by the ecdc) and banished to a hut in the woods, etc. which is where im “living” now

livingmybesthive: (altho - for the benefit of anybody eavesdropping - i also stay w annabelle and jared sometimes cause there arent any good factory establishments close to me and the trash there is allllways good)

death is just around the coroner: eavesdropping what who would do that

death is just around the coroner deleted death is just around the coroner’s message

livingmybesthive: (the place i stay otherwise is a p nice hut tho its even got a kitchen and everything)

livingmybesthive: (well. a counter)

livingmybesthive: (well actually a tree stump)

livingmybesthive: (that i use for storing food)

livingmybesthive: (and fungi, to speed up the decay of said food)

livingmybesthive: (but its /basically/ a kitchen)

spider-woman: (where do ur worms live)

livingmybesthive: (mostly in the couch but we have a rotating schedule of who works on the compost thx for asking)

livingmybesthive: i saw that oli^💭💀

livingmybesthive: of course thats how u react to msgs^{💭💀💀💀}

livingmybesthive: anyway its been almost three months of this shit

livingmybesthive: love the forest but its not corrupted enough for me to live in long-term

livingmybesthive: too pretty

livingmybesthive: i guess i was missing civilisation (how dare i (jk corruption can smd))

livingmybesthive: nostalgia y’know?

livingmybesthive: i remembered the turd flat

spider-woman: all hail the turd flat

livingmybesthive: and i went back just for old times (and to see if there was a new manager yet)

spider-woman: lmao

livingmybesthive: there was not so im still house-hopping

livingmybesthive: sorry for crashing at yours constantly btw i feel bad a lot of the time i feel like im overstaying my welcome

spider-woman: you’re not allowed to feel bad my house is so dirty that you might actually be making it cleaner^💭🪱🫶

livingmybesthive: GASP!! insulting i feel insulted

spider-woman: then we’re even ::::)

spider-woman: go on tho im at the edge of my seat where is cutie

livingmybesthive: righto so i swung by the place and stuck around the exterior for a sec cause my goodness that green stuff had developed wonderfully

spider-woman: janeyyyyy eww

livingmybesthive: take it or leave it that’s what i like 🥰

spider-woman: ok bruno

livingmybesthive: huh

spider-woman: nvm ill tell u later

livingmybesthive: k sounds good

livingmybesthive: OK THIS GUY

livingmybesthive: HES ADORABLE

livingmybesthive: while i was trying to find an open window like how i used to get in, i spotted him just around the corner trying to fit into one

livingmybesthive: i assumed he was trying to get inside like me

livingmybesthive: while i was working up the nerve to go over and talk to him he got through without seeing me :(

livingmybesthive: fortunately my eighth squadron of worms (its their turn to go on expeditions) arrived before me and told me all abt him

livingmybesthive: and some of them even followed him home :))))

livingmybesthive: so now..

spider-woman: OMG

spider-woman: GET HIS NUMBER

livingmybesthive: thats the plan 😁

spider-woman: jane whatd he look likee

livingmybesthive: oh my gosh

livingmybesthive: eeeeeeehehehfgheujiosguhigjoik

livingmybesthive: he had wire-rimmed glasses that were very large - the frames were squareish with soft corners and it really suited his face

livingmybesthive: he was really pale but it might have been the moonlight not sure

livingmybesthive: he had this beautiful fawnish hair that just fluffed everywhere some of it caught on the windowsill

livingmybesthive: he had super cute spider earrings!!!!

livingmybesthive: and these astonishing blue eyes

spider-woman: omg omg omg OMG

livingmybesthive: and i think he was wearing khaki slacks but they mightve been white idk it was late afternoon and the side of the building was in an alleyway and in the shade

livingmybesthive: he had a baby blue sweater that matched his eyes with white patterns on it i couldnt see what they were tho

livingmybesthive: some of this is worm-gathered info but he was. perfect

spider-woman: that man sounds like an absolute dream

spider-woman: shoot ur shot oh my goodness

livingmybesthive: hehee im not done

spider-woman: MORE HAPPENED??

livingmybesthive: YESSS

livingmybesthive: i made it into the building eventually but i didnt see him

livingmybesthive: of course it was dark af but i also couldnt really hear anything either

livingmybesthive: so i felt my way over to my favorite corner of the basement to check on my favorite patch of organic matter

livingmybesthive: and then his torch beam SNAPPED on and for a second i thought he was gonna shine it at me but he was pretty far away and he just shone it around his feet

livingmybesthive: and then DISASTER struck

livingmybesthive: i had to cough.

spider-woman: o shit

livingmybesthive: o shit is right

livingmybesthive: i was NOT prepared for him to see me just yet i wanted to do it more gently not have him stumble upon me in a pitch-black basement in the middle of the night

livingmybesthive: i wanted him to stumble across me in a DIMLY LIT basement in the middle of the night

livingmybesthive: so i took out my handkerchief (i carry it around because it fits perfectly into one of the holes on my hip) so i could try and be quiet

livingmybesthive: and what do u know i guess he heard me

livingmybesthive: so he mOVES HIS TORCH ONTO MY BACK

livingmybesthive: and i guess i had some sort of “if i cant see you you cant see me” instinct kick in cos i froze

livingmybesthive: but i really had to cough now so i did and jimmy fell out of my mouth 😭 like bro couldnt have picked any other exit.. whatever

livingmybesthive: jimmy falls out of my handkerchief and the guy SCREECHES

spider-woman: rip ::::(

livingmybesthive: :( so much for first impressions right

livingmybesthive: i try to fix things i smile and everything but he just starts backing away

livingmybesthive: im thinking maybe he’d like my worms better so i nudge them forward and instead of saying hi he RUNS

livingmybesthive: its kind of adorable how fast he scrambles out of there given how long he took to get in

spider-woman: probably in shock from your beauty

livingmybesthive: yeah probably

livingmybesthive: man i really hope he likes/is ok with worms

livingmybesthive: who am i kidding any sane person would be 🥰

livingmybesthive: i know its not *your* cup of tea but weve already established u arent sane

spider-woman: can confirm

livingmybesthive: also ur my bestie so i forgive u^💭😎

livingmybesthive: anyws so he was gone right

livingmybesthive: but i felt such joy because he dropped his phone

livingmybesthive: but then i realised oh duh if he doesnt have his phone hes gonna have to get a new number

livingmybesthive: so now im. wallowing in despair at home

livingmybesthive: ive still got the phone

livingmybesthive: my worms are really fascinated with it they kept crowding around it on my bookshelf so i put it on the couch

livingmybesthive: maybe its the shinyness

livingmybesthive: i mean theyre shiny themselves so that ant be it

spider-woman: that ANT be it hehe

livingmybesthive: i guess theyre not shiny or new enough to be interesting to each other

livingmybesthive: HEHE i didt even notice

spider-woman: ah well

spider-woman: who can deduce, let alone intrerpret, the goings-on of worms

livingmybesthive: aMEN

livingmybesthive: well

livingmybesthive: me

livingmybesthive: i can

spider-woman: no yeah that’s true

spider-woman: so what are u up to rn then?

livingmybesthive: watching the lil guys in my couch

livingmybesthive: i think theyre messing with the phone rn but idrc its not like they can unlock it

livingmybesthive: oh they did wtf

livingmybesthive: well its not like they know how to operate a phone so it should be fine

spider-woman: ur not concerned???

livingmybesthive: no 😋

livingmybesthive: they dont have eyes so they wont know what to do since all the buttons are digital

livingmybesthive: they can feel objects and sense living creatures but they cant like read

livingmybesthive: theyre dumb as rocks (affectionate)

livingmybesthive: anyway as you can imagine im disappointed that i didnt get to talk to mr cutie pie

livingmybesthive: so imma try again 2nite >▽<

spider-woman: YES GIRL!!!!!!

livingmybesthive: maybe worms arent the best preliminary acquaintance for everyone :<

livingmybesthive: but he’ll come around

livingmybesthive: probably

livingmybesthive: i would go rn but i feel like 1:30am is not the best time to flirt unless we’re both really drunk which we arent, hes prolly asleep anyway

livingmybesthive: and i would go during the day today but i have plans w j

spider-woman: well good luck <3

spider-woman: i foresee great things in your futures

livingmybesthive: thanks annachnid :)

spider-woman: omg that has to be my new nickname

spider-woman: please

livingmybesthive: YES i am the nickname GOD

livingmybesthive: of course go ahead ^_^

Annabelle Cane changed Annabelle Cane’s nickname to annachnid

annachnid: i fucking love it thank you

annachnid: now let’s talk logistics

annachnid: should probly move to private dms tho i doubt anyone wants to hear abt the boring bits

livingmybesthive: bye oliver and audience!! ^💭👋🏿

Chapter Text

[9:38 AM]

gregg: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THE GROUPCHAT 😭😭😭

nikorsina: Yes, I have the same question!

nikorsina: My phone has been blowing up!

nikorsina: Figuratively, of course!

gregg: Would you like to make that literal?

nikorsina: If it would bring you joy!

nikorsina: But you’d owe me another phone!

[10:60 AM]

jurgen it: Actually what happened though

annachnid: OMG LEITNER APPEARANCE

annachnid: now go away i hate you

livingmybesthive: smh keep up with the times guys

gregg: Some of us actually have a life you know

livingmybesthive: jude you are so mean

gregg: Am I wrong

annachnid: i dunno i would consider janes life pretty darn exciting

[11:45 AM]

livingmybesthive: @jurgen it wait i thought you were dead?????

jurgen it: Oliver had a chat with Terminus so that I could chill here

jurgen it: Thx again BTW Oli @death is just around the coroner I owe you

death is just around the coroner: dont call me oli.......

JimmyMagma replied to jurgen it: “Oliver had a chat with Terminu…”

↳JimmyMagma: Ah. I was wondering.

livingmybesthive: JONAH JUMPSCARE??????

livingmybesthive: go away

JimmyMagma: As you wish.

livingmybesthive: you have NO right to be quoting the princess bride at me eyeball boy

JimmyMagma: I’ve never seen it.

livingmybesthive: and you dont need to

JimmyMagma: I actually haven’t Looked. I didn’t know that was a quote.

livingmybesthive: ok whatever

JimmyMagma: Go on with your antics. I have a movie to watch.

death is just around the coroner: oh no no no nO YOU DON’T

death is just around the coroner: jane we cant let him watch it

JimmyMagma: Why not?

death is just around the coroner: because

death is just around the coroner: it’s so bad

livingmybesthive: oh yes SOOOO bad

death is just around the coroner: yep

livingmybesthive: never watch the princess bride

death is just around the coroner: absolutely abhorrent

livingmybesthive: bane of my existence

JimmyMagma: Okay?

livingmybesthive: right

livingmybesthive: gotta prepare for my date

livingmybesthive: cya losers

death is just around the coroner: and i have

death is just around the coroner: a Very important meeting

death is just around the coroner: to get to

death is just around the coroner: that i am late for

death is just around the coroner: so

death is just around the coroner: bye

[7:43 PM]

livingmybesthive: aight operation get cutie’s (new) number is a go!!!!!!

livingmybesthive: worms discovered his address so i dont have to do the follow/carry them thing again

livingmybesthive: (follow/carry = ferry? hehe that works grammatically)

livingmybesthive: im so nervous ive never done this before >▽<

annachnid: YOU GO GIRL

annachnid: ARE! YOU! READY!

livingmybesthive: YES MA’AM

livingmybesthive: im at his flat now

livingmybesthive: y’all hes gonna be so happy to see me

livingmybesthive: AAAAHHH IDK HOW TO DO THIS

livingmybesthive: do i send some worms under the door???? do i make faces at the window?? do i sing opera??

livingmybesthive: well i cant sing

livingmybesthive: but yk

livingmybesthive: i guess i could pantomime

annachnid replied to livingmybesthive: “well i cant sing”

↳annachnid: dont let that stop u hon

annachnid: sing ur heart out if u so desire

annachnid: oh the traditional manner of trying to get someone’s attention while they’re in their own home is to knock

livingmybesthive: oh right 🤦‍♀️

livingmybesthive: god has it really been that long since i was human

annachnid: well it might be partly mine and jared’s fault for not reminding u cause we just let u barge in whenever u feel like it

livingmybesthive: 🥰🪱

livingmybesthive: ok ok ok

livingmybesthive: i shall knock

annachnid: and make sure you dont do it too loud or too soft either

annachnid: just be polite

livingmybesthive: ok ok ok

livingmybesthive: AAAAHhhhh...........

livingmybesthive: nervouse!!!!!

livingmybesthive: OK WE’RE DOING IT

annachnid: keep me updated? 👉🏿👈🏿

livingmybesthive: I KNOCKED

livingmybesthive: of course of course always

livingmybesthive: how long do i wait???

annachnid: um im not sure

annachnid: maybe keep trying if he doesnt answer in ten minutes

livingmybesthive: how long is ten minutes

annachnid: six hundred seconds

annachnid: so count to six hundred

livingmybesthive: ok :’)

livingmybesthive: im up to a hundred now

livingmybesthive: two hundred

livingmybesthive: three hundred

livingmybesthive: wtf the power just went out bro

annachnid: rip

annachnid: dark av powers woulda come in handy here

annachnid: oh well

livingmybesthive: hush im counting

annachnid: yes ma’am

livingmybesthive: 400

livingmybesthive: does he know i can literally see him through the window

annachnid: whats he doing

livingmybesthive: hes just sitting there with a cuppa staring at the wall

livingmybesthive: 500

livingmybesthive: 550

livingmybesthive: 599

livingmybesthive: 599 and a half

livingmybesthive: ahhhhhh

livingmybesthive: @annachnid i hit six he still hasnt answered

annachnid: maybe try again?

livingmybesthive: ok

livingmybesthive: gah

livingmybesthive: im a patient girl but

livingmybesthive: maybe its time to send some worms in? stake out the place?

annachnid: sure

livingmybesthive: let me check with them

livingmybesthive: oh they’ve already tried they cant get in anywhere

annachnid: thats weird

annachnid: maybe he didnt consider that some very nice worm ladies might want him to uninsulate

livingmybesthive: its okay it happens to the best of us

livingmybesthive: apparently some of em got smushed :( bless his clumsy feet i’ll miss my bois

[10:36 PM]

Peter L.: I’d like you all to know that Elias has been borderline comatose due to the sheer volume and frequency of incoming messages

Fairestofchilds: I literally do not care

Peter L.: By “you all” I meant Jane and Annabelle

livingmybesthive: i also don’t care! 🥰

annachnid: WHOOPEEE YISSS

annachnid: what a successful day

Peter L.: Do you *want* to be smote

annachnid: i thought that wasn’t your forte

annachnid: are u finally branching out?? ::::O

Peter L.: NO I’M NOT

Peter L.: I swear

annachnid: it’s okay to like colors besides blue and grey peter.......

JimmyMagma: Ms. Cane. Stop. He’s shuddering.

annachnid: fine... alright... just for you two... since you asked so sweetly

annachnid: oh how i love toxic yaoi

JimmyMagma: What is th

JimmyMagma: Ah. I see.

annachnid: ::::))))))

annachnid: it’s times like these i appreciate the ceaseless looker

JimmyMagma: For the last time, It is known as the Watcher. The Ceaseless Watcher. We are both fully aware that you know this.

annachnid: but am i wrong

annachnid: looker is technically not incorrect

Peter L.: Annabelle, please

Peter L.: He’s threatening to block you again and if he does I will have to talk to him and I don’t want to do that

annachnid: and that’s a wrap folks

annachnid: yet more proof that men everywhere beg things of me

livingmybesthive: we never doubted it <3

Peter L.: N.v.m. go ahead Elias

annachnid: little does he know that i blocked him first...

[3:05 PM]

livingmybesthive: hes not answering :((((

annachnid: ok my advice is just keep tryin

livingmybesthive: ROGER!!!!! never back down never WHAT!!!!!!

livingmybesthive: NEVER GIVE UP

annachnid: nEVER GIVE UP

annachnid: YIPPEEE

[2:78 PM]

livingmybesthive: he’s stillllllll not answering

annachnid: stay strong baby

annachnid: slow and steady knocks now

annachnid: remember be polite

livingmybesthive: i havent run out of hope im just irritated with this very cute guy

annachnid: perhaps Very Cute Guy may not deserve you

annachnid: we shall see

[4:63 AM]

Peter L.: Finally...

Peter L.: Some silence...

Peter L.: It’s blissful...

Fairestofchilds: Literally nobody cares

Peter L.: Jane can you go on stalking missions all the time

Peter L.: God damn it

Peter L.: You again???

Peter L.: Go away

Fairestofchilds: YOU LITERALLY STARTED IT

Peter L.: 💔😢🌫️☁️🌧️

Fairestofchilds: Two can play THAT game

Fairestofchilds: 🌌🍃🌬️🪂☀️🔭🪐👽 I have more emojis than you because the Vast is cooler and its manifestation is more versatile

Peter L.: Pretty sure fog is “cooler” than the sky

Fairestofchilds: Depends on how high up you go

Fairestofchilds: 🌌🍃🌬️🪂☀️🔭🪐👽🌌🍃🌬️🪂☀️🔭🪐👽🌌🍃🌬️🪂☀️🔭🪐👽

Peter L.: Stop

Peter L.: Please

annachnid: you know i’d have thought u two would get along

annachnid: cause like

annachnid: wide open space is usually lonely

annachnid: something something comprehending the utter scale (and, therefore, pointlessness) of infinity makes one feel hopeless and alone yada yada

annachnid: i mean just look at kilbride and chilcott

Peter L.: I would have thought we’d get along too but he’s just too annoying

Fairestofchilds: I’ll have you know my mother called me gifted

Fairestofchilds: So maybe it’s a you problem

Peter L.: Your mother.

annachnid: hey its very healthy to be proud of your achievements and have a good relationship with your mother

Fairestofchilds: Yeah PETER

annachnid: dont let toxic masculinity dull your sparkle ✨

Fairestofchilds: Yeah PETER

Peter L.: You’re just grasping at straws

Fairestofchilds: I am not letting you dull my sparkle

Peter L.: My mother and I are very much fine with each other’s company actually

Fairestofchilds: Translation: We love each other

Peter L.: The L. word does not belong anywhere near me

Fairestofchilds: Same except for me the L stands for Lukas

Peter L.: Shut up

Peter L.: We don’t /love/ but we tolerate

Peter L.: We even make eye contact occasionally

Fairestofchilds: But do you play reverse golf with her

Peter L.: What the heck is that

Fairestofchilds: Upside-down golf. Propulsion sports

Peter L.: What.

Fairestofchilds: You know

Peter L.: What

Fairestofchilds: You don’t know how to reverse gravity????

Peter L.: No

Peter L.: It’s too early for this shit

[6:72 AM]

annachnid replied to Fairestofchilds: “Upside-down golf. Propulsion s…”

↳annachnid: what even is that it sounds dumb

Peter L.: THANK you Annabelle

annachnid: you’re not welcome. never thank me again

[1:17 PM]

annachnid: aaaaand he’s gone again

Fairestofchilds: I guess

Fairestofchilds: Does this mean I won

annachnid: no one knows..

Fairestofchilds: Um

Fairestofchilds: I do

Fairestofchilds: And I won

annachnid: whatever u say parachute boy.......

[5:ii PM]

annachnid: ok good night chat i have a plane to catch at midnight

livingmybesthive: oh where you going???

annachnid: australia

livingmybesthive: why???

annachnid: spooders

Fairestofchilds: Goodnight to everyone except Annabelle

Mikechtenberg: Gn to everyone except Simon

Fairestofchilds: Why do you hate me

Mikechtenberg: You’re unfortunate

Fairestofchilds: Huh

Fairestofchilds: What

Fairestofchilds: What does that even mean

Fairestofchilds: Michael Crew

death is just around the coroner: good night annabelle :>

[6:00 PM]

livingmybesthive: do we think maybe this is an absurd amount of time to be knocking

livingmybesthive: its been like

livingmybesthive: 11 days

annachnid: have you stopped knocking?!

livingmybesthive: no im typing wiht one hand 👍

annachnid: good

[11 MARCH 11:53 PM]

livingmybesthive: ARGH

livingmybesthive: I GIVE UP

annachnid: im so sorry honey </3

livingmybesthive: i mean cmon this cant be normal

livingmybesthive: who stays in their flat for 2 weeks straight

livingmybesthive: doesnt he need to get groceries

annachnid: guys are a mystery

annachnid: what i think is weird is that the power still hasnt come back on

annachnid: right?

livingmybesthive: yeah it hasnt

livingmybesthive: that IS weird

livingmybesthive: im preoccupied tho idrc

livingmybesthive: oh wait i gave up

livingmybesthive: sigh

livingmybesthive: time to trudge sadly down the hall and back into the woods

annachnid: ::::(

livingmybesthive: :,)

annachnid: can i come over? im back from australia

livingmybesthive: yo if youre free would u like to come over

livingmybesthive: oh hell yea

annachnid: ill bring booze 🫶🏿

death is just around the coroner: can i come

annachnid: no

death is just around the coroner: 😔😔😔

livingmybesthive: next time oli!!! sorry girls night

death is just around the coroner: understandable girls night is sacred 👍

[12 MARCH 5:14 PM]

annachnid: hey i thought of something.........

annachnid: i hope i do not set u up for disappointment again but

annachnid: u could go somewhere else he goes? where he cant shut himself in and has to leave sometime?

livingmybesthive: OOOH YES

livingmybesthive: uh

livingmybesthive: where

annachnid: ...idk just follow him around

annachnid: (discreetly)

livingmybesthive: perf

livingmybesthive: u dont think this is getting kinda stalkery?

livingmybesthive: nvm of course it is i love stalking

annachnid: exactly

annachnid: u go girl

annachnid: if ur gonna be a monster might as well be a monster yknow

livingmybesthive: preach

livingmybesthive: pros of being a monster:

livingmybesthive: monster

livingmybesthive: cons of being a monster:

livingmybesthive: monster

annachnid: well said

livingmybesthive: actually society is missing out lowkey

livingmybesthive: u get to just be creepy

livingmybesthive: no more worrying about societal pressures etc

annachnid: tru

annachnid: but its also ok to feel upset abt it sometimes

livingmybesthive: yeh

livingmybesthive: ok i lied society is not missing out

livingmybesthive: BUT

livingmybesthive: i get to be consumed by what loves me

livingmybesthive: so im winning

annachnid: im curious actually

annachnid: when the hive sings to u does it actually like

annachnid: sing

annachnid: cause spiders dont “sing” to me like u said when we first met over text

annachnid: but some species of spider can make noise by rubbing their legs on their chests to create vibrations

annachnid: so in that sense

annachnid: well also combine it with the supernatural mother and you got urself a symphony of unmelodies

livingmybesthive: wow

livingmybesthive: thats beautiful

livingmybesthive: my worms just like backstreet boys and a little bit of gaga

livingmybesthive: they belt it incessantly its very annoying

annachnid: HAHA

livingmybesthive: no jk

livingmybesthive: no it isnt like real singing its more like a feeling

livingmybesthive: i get a feeling

livingmybesthive: lmao i cant describe it any better

livingmybesthive: i think i gave a statement at the magnus institute tho if u want a detailed account of the itching

annachnid: uh huh

annachnid: duly noted, maybe ill send fernanda (my 6th favorite spider) to infiltrate the archive boxes 🕸️

livingmybesthive: lit!!!!!

livingmybesthive: anyway what were we talking about

annachnid: i gotta scroll

livingmybesthive: k ill wait down here :P

annachnid: wow fine leave me to do the work (friendly)

annachnid: uhh we were talking about

annachnid: stalking!!!

livingmybesthive: OH YEA

livingmybesthive: ah shit i need to return his phone too. completely forgot about that

annachnid: all the more reason

livingmybesthive: umm

livingmybesthive: so

livingmybesthive: how do i follow someone

annachnid: idk just

annachnid: find him/wait till you see him and then trail at a distance

livingmybesthive: ok

livingmybesthive: how much of a distance.

annachnid: like 30m at least

livingmybesthive: ok............

annachnid: GOOD LUCK!!!!

livingmybesthive: guess i gotta wait till he goes home again cos i have no idea where else he goes

livingmybesthive: what hobbies do u think he has what do u think he does

livingmybesthive: do u think he swims

livingmybesthive: or even.. knits

livingmybesthive: like be still my heart

annachnid: yes i do

annachnid: now go find ur husband

Chapter Text

[15 MARCH 7:26 PM]

livingmybesthive: y’all i’ve been waiting here at his flat for another like 3 days hes not here

annachnid: ???

livingmybesthive: thats what im sayinnnn

JimmyMagma: I thought you could figure it out on your own, but clearly I hoped too high.

Fairestofchilds: You’re never too high to come down 😎

JimmyMagma: Elias Bouchard was, on occasion. Before he entered his mysterious and sudden commitment to sobriety.

livingmybesthive replied to JimmyMagma: “I thought you could figure it …"

↳livingmybesthive: what?? u know where he is?

JimmyMagma: I do.

annachnid edited a message “I do.”: “eye do ::::3”

JimmyMagma: Annabelle.

annachnid: I COULDNT HELP MYSELF

annachnid: michael would back me up if it were here

annachnid: anyway ya of course jonah knows

livingmybesthive: oh yeah lol

livingmybesthive: ok where

JimmyMagma: Martin is staying in the Magnus Institute. He told his colleagues about his encounter with you, so they have placed him in Document Storage of the Institute archives for safekeeping.

livingmybesthive: martin???

livingmybesthive: wdym encounter?!?!?!??

livingmybesthive: the fucking magnus institue?????

livingmybesthive: wdym safekeeping??

livingmybesthive: jimmy?!?

livingmybesthive: jonah??

annachnid: hes gone

livingmybesthive: yea i know annabelle

annachnid: but do u Know

livingmybesthive: hahahaha

annachnid: hahahaha

livingmybesthive: oh my god...

livingmybesthive: his name is martin..........

annachnid: 🥺

death is just around the coroner: no simping on main

livingmybesthive: look whos talking

death is just around the coroner deleted livingmybesthive’s message

death is just around the coroner: SHHH ARE U CRAZY

death is just around the coroner deleted death is just around the coroner’s message

livingmybesthive: yes ofc 🥰

Annabelle Cane to Oliver Banks

[7:34 PM]

me: what is she talking about

hanks: i’m not telling

me: tell

hanks: no

me: is it a secret

hanks: no

me: then whyd u delete her message

hanks: .

me: is it cause u didnt want mike to see jane pointing out ur guys’ obvious flirting

hanks: WHATt

me: sounds like simping to me

hanks: NO

me: 👀👀👀👀

hanks: banabel...

hanks: pleas

hanks: its not true...

me: the nile is a river!!!!!!

me: ¯\_¯\_¯\_¯\_(👀👀u 👀👀)_/¯_/¯_/¯_/¯

hanks: thats terrifying stop it

“band of the silly willies”

[7:36 PM]

annachnid replied to death is just around the coroner: “no simping on main”

↳annachnid: shut your shit antonio

death is just around the coroner: HOW COME I HAVE TO FOLLOW THE RULES AND SHE DOESNT

annachnid: nepotism

annachnid: now leave us alone

livingmybesthive: nepotism... and corruption hehehe

annachnid: omg that was a good one

livingmybesthive: thank u i try

death is just around the coroner: my shit has been shut i guess

annachnid: that is correct

[8:33 PM]

livingmybesthive: ok im home now

livingmybesthive: GOD why does it have to be the MAGNUS INSTITUE

livingmybesthive: of all places?!

annachnid: real 🥀

annachnid: also i think ur missing a T there hon

livingmybesthive: hush

livingmybesthive: freaking jonah if ur reading this i hate u

livingmybesthive: at least i get to fuck his shit up while im there thatll be fun

livingmybesthive: lowk half my reasn for going

JimmyMagma: I am making a face at you. Just so you’re aware.

livingmybesthive: is it this one 😐

livingmybesthive: i bet its that one

JimmyMagma: I will not clarify.

livingmybesthive: shut up go away shut up go away

Jane Prentiss muted Jonah Magnus

annachnid: oooh dangerous choice

annachnid: dont worry ur protected by the web

livingmybesthive: aww babe thank u

livingmybesthive: ...AAAAAUGH

livingmybesthive: mAgNuS

livingmybesthive: what a stupid name

annachnid: hold on ill fill in for jonah

annachnid: jonah: :/

livingmybesthive: i hate the stupid institute

annachnid: jonah: :/

livingmybesthive: they could NEVER find the appropriate words to describe the utterly complete love that encompasses the entire being of the flesh-hive

annachnid: jonah: PiSh PoSh

livingmybesthive: i HATE EVERYETHING about them

livingmybesthive: except ✨️jonathan sims✨️

livingmybesthive: and martin whoever 🥰

annachnid: freak

livingmybesthive: sigh

livingmybesthive: literally what am i supposed to do now

livingmybesthive: i bet they have like

livingmybesthive: spooky detectors

livingmybesthive: instead of metal detectors

annachnid: yeah probably

annachnid: uhhhhm hide in the walls

livingmybesthive: oh good idea

livingmybesthive: ok tyyy

livingmybesthive: this gon b ez

livingmybesthive: come on worms adventure time

livingmybesthive: (i have to actually gather them up now brb)

livingmybesthive: (strangely enough worms dont respond when u command them by texting ur friend)

annachnid: i was kidding 😭

livingmybesthive: not anymore :))))

[15 MARCH 9:42 PM]

livingmybesthive: made it in

livingmybesthive: via certain unspecified, dubiously legal, metaphorical avenues

annachnid: WOOOOO

annachnid: i hate that place can u try and destroy some shit for me

livingmybesthive: im way ahead of u girl

annachnid: great minds think alike

livingmybesthive: theres already been a mysterious fire in that room wher they keep all the devastation artefacts

annachnid: omg fantastic

annachnid: desolation* btw

livingmybesthive: the entire thing is an active fire hazard really like who decided to organise it this way

livingmybesthive: no i like devastation better cos it annoys jude

livingmybesthive: anyway point is no one will ever know :)))))))

annachnid: 😈😈😈😈😈

livingmybesthive: besides jonah i guess but he doesnt count

annachnid: amen

livingmybesthive: i guess i just

livingmybesthive: wait now??

livingmybesthive: what do i even do between now and my epic reveal (which i havent fully planned out yet) (i wouldnt be able to do it soon anyway bc i need to wait for more worms to exist) (evolution is so cool)

annachnid: as much as it pains me to say this

annachnid: which is a LOT

annachnid: of pain

annachnid: it pains me a lot

annachnid: but

annachnid: you have to watch, listen, and wait

livingmybesthive: oh god

livingmybesthive: vigilo audio operate isn’t it

annachnid: opperior

annachnid: otherwise yep

livingmybesthive: the ironyyyyyyy

livingmybesthive: is killing meeeeee

annachnid: ok maybe dont /sing/ in their walls,,,,

livingmybesthive: but

livingmybesthive: how will i ever find my calling as an opera soloist

annachnid: on stage hopefully

livingmybesthive: oh ur so right

livingmybesthive: ok guess i’ll

livingmybesthive: idk

livingmybesthive: putter around??

annachnid: yea

annachnid: im going to sleep now bye

annachnid: wake me if anything interesting happens

livingmybesthive: will do gn soldier 🫡

[17 MARCH 11:66 AM]

death is just around the coroner: god i cant wait for shit to go down

Mikechtenberg: Yeah, this is pretty boring

livingmybesthive: shut up im busy

death is just around the coroner: when did this become the jane show again

annachnid: the moment she joined

livingmybesthive: the moment i joined

death is just around the coroner: UGH

death is just around the coroner: im so TIRED of you two

death is just around the coroner: whens it gonna b the oliver show huh.

Mikechtenberg: Ikr

Mikechtenberg: The Mike show for me I mean

Mikechtenberg: Tbh you have to admit it was pretty boring in here before she joined

Mikechtenberg: Aside from you and me and Annabelle of course. We are goated

death is just around the coroner: mike wanna hang out

Mikechtenberg: No

annachnid: hes hot mike. make the right choice mike.

death is just around the coroner: bb he loves me 4 my personality AND my good looks

death is just around the coroner: so is that a yes

Mikechtenberg: ...

Mikechtenberg: Depends

death is just around the coroner: omg fine

death is just around the coroner: if this is what i gotta do

death is just around the coroner: we’re going to dinner at the beach on saturday

Mikechtenberg: God fine

Mikechtenberg: Yes I will hang out with you

death is just around the coroner: YES

Mikechtenberg: Only because the beach is the BEST place to have dinner

death is just around the coroner: i am aware of your opinions on that matter

Mikechtenberg: Why

Mikechtenberg: How

Mikechtenberg: When

death is just around the coroner: magic

Mikechtenberg: Ok

death is just around the coroner: so we can go? 🥺

Mikechtenberg: Yeah

death is just around the coroner: GREAT THANK YOU

death is just around the coroner: be there fifteen minutes before sunset

Mikechtenberg: Will do

Oliver Banks to Annabelle Cane

[20 MARCH 8:20 PM]

bananabelle: OLIVER.

bananabelle: OLIVER HOW WAS UR DATE YESTERDAY YOU HAVENT TOLD ME

me: IT WASNT A DATE

me: perhaps my friendship life is none of your spiderweb

bananabelle: is that a joke on beeswax

me: yes it IS thank you for noticing

bananabelle: because it’s really bad

me: no it isnt

me: well you got it regardless 😁

bananabelle: oliver bestie please 🥺

me: ARGH FINE

me: defo was not waiting for u to ask nope

bananabelle: its not like i know u so well that i get a pang in my gut when something is wrong w u because we grew up together..

me: not at all :D

me: ok so

me: we got there duh

me: sent a few people into hysteria over the endlessness of the expansive sky, the sheerness with which the sea floor dropped just a few yards from the shore, the incomprehensible volume of the oceans unexplored, the riptides and other dangers surrounding them that made them very proxy to their ends, etc.

me: all in all 10/10 delicious

me: mike got to have more than me but i picked the beach for a reason

bananabelle: aw

bananabelle: oliver ur such a sweet guy for realsies

me: so we just watched the sun go down

me: and

me: when the stars came out i swear he went completely still

bananabelle: awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

me: oh and we did sand mermaid tails obvi

bananabelle: of course

bananabelle: anything elseeeee

me: no my dear we are simply best friends

bananabelle: 😔

bananabelle: i need to get u a boyf

me: i can get myself one thank u very much

bananabelle: .....so hows that going

me: TERRIBLE

bananabelle: he knows u have a crush on him right

me: no

me: what

me: annabELLE

bananabelle: I HAVENT SAID ANYTHING DW

me: thank goodness

me: not that. i doubted you

bananabelle: uh huh

bananabelle: oh my god.

me: what

bananabelle: i just saw a text from jane

bananabelle sent a file: Screenshot_20160320_03895072.jpg

[File description: A screenshot of a text message from “worm wife”. It reads: “theyre so cute im gonna call them terminal velocity”/End description]

me: huh i dont get it

me: OH BECAUSE

me: I SEE I SEE

me: she really is the queen of coming up with names wht the heck

me: she even came up with my contact name for u

me: which incidentally is bananabelle

bananabelle: oh y god thats amazing

bananabelle: are u avoiding the topic 🤔

bananabelle: hbecause if u are we can totally not talk about it

me: no i got distracted

me: awww thx 🖤

bananabelle: of course u use the EMO HEART

bananabelle: yw 🖤

me: shut up

bananabelle: so anyway.

bananabelle: terminal velocity.

bananabelle: holy fuckin shit now u hAVE to date him just so we can use that

me: IUM SCARED ANNABELLE

me: tell jane i said 100000/10 but please not yet

bananabelle: i gotchu

me: hows your love life goingggggg

bananabelle: idk man i think i might be aro 😭

bananabelle: or demi

me: oh word

bananabelle: 😵‍💫

me: ykw based

bananabelle: thx girl

me: anytime king

“band of the silly willies”

[21 MARCH 2:46 PM]

livingmybesthive: living in the institute day 284956195

livingmybesthive: my worms keep getting stepped on :(

livingmybesthive: occupational hazard i guess~

annachnid: oh no!!!!!!

livingmybesthive: btw jared just introduced me to the tilde

livingmybesthive: this thing

livingmybesthive: ~

livingmybesthive: it looks delightfully like a worm

livingmybesthive: it makes me very happy

annachnid: huzzah!!!!!!

[22 MARCH 3:94 PM]

annachnid: ugh fine im curious

Annabelle Cane unmuted Jonah Magnus

annachnid: @JimmyMagma what do u think of this ::::))))

JimmyMagma: Wouldn’t you like to know?

annachnid: i WOULD in fact

annachnid: thats why i ASKED

annachnid: stuipid

JimmyMagma: Well, I’m not telling.

annachnid: fcuk youuo

JimmyMagma: Sulk all you want.

Peter L.: I will translate for Elias since he refuses to concede even a sliver of camaraderie

Peter L.: He is saying “Why does everyone love bullying me so much it is hurting my fragile ego"

JimmyMagma: That’s... not accurate.

Peter L.: “And I am on the verge of tears”

[8:1 AM]

livingmybesthive: sighhhh

livingmybesthive: staying hidden in this place is SO HARD

livingmybesthive: i mean aside from the evil omniscient eye lord

livingmybesthive: why do so many health inspectors kEEP APPEARING AND hARRASsING MY WORMS

livingmybesthive: watching their neighbors being sprayed to death/caught up in a net and transported to an ugly ass pest control van is giving them panic attacks

livingmybesthive: ive had to book three hundred of them for therapy already

livingmybesthive: and lord forbid i myself am caught in the open air

livingmybesthive: i would get snatched up by “health professionals” or whatever INSTANTLY 😔

livingmybesthive: they all want me so bad

annachnid: soooo bad girl

annachnid: i bet (i hope) its annoying having to explain the worms to people and/or bribe their concerns away JONAH

JimmyMagma: I must order you to cease your texting. I am trying to concentrate my attentions elsewhere.

livingmybesthive: youre ORDERING us ??? 😳 wow thats kinda...

annachnid: jane if u keep doing that he might disintegrate

livingmybesthive: doing what 🥰

annachnid: 🙄

livingmybesthive: no he wont hes the worlds sluttiest whore

JimmyMagma: It seems as though you are, ah, what’s the word? Projecting. Do not accuse me of such things.

Peter L.: “Yes I am”

annachnid: so youre not denying it

annachnid: OH?????

livingmybesthive: ESCUES ME HELLO???? wHaT

livingmybesthive: how do YOU know PETER

livingmybesthive sent a file: flushed_emoji_fisheye.png

Jonah Magnus changed Peter Lukas’s nickname to Blithering idiot

Peter Lukas changed Peter Lukas’s nickname to Peter L.

Jonah Magnus changed Peter Lukas’s nickname to I once thought square roots were vegetables

Peter Lukas changed Peter Lukas’s nickname to No I didn’t you did

Peter Lukas changed Peter Lukas’s nickname to Peter L.

JimmyMagma: Disturb me no further, children.

livingmybesthive: we are 30 year old

annachnid: oh yes of course our lord and master we are SO sorry to have displeased you

annachnid: in fact i shall hang myself from the banisters at once for having disturbed your exquisitely precious skull

annachnid: which contains naught but ringing notes that reverberate hollowly between thy ears day in and day out

livingmybesthive: what banisters

JimmyMagma: Are you calling me brainless?

annachnid: breaking news local old man too posh to understand basic layperson’s language

JimmyMagma: I do not bow to petty insults.

Peter L.: “I wish more than ever that I could mute this chat”

Chapter Text

[23 MARCH 1:51 PM]

livingmybesthive: gng you will not BELIEVE what my worms just saw

annachnid: ??? SPILL

death is just around the coroner: they can see??

annachnid: what do you think coffin boy

annachnid: anyway dont interrupt 🙄

death is just around the coroner: you are mean :(

annachnid: jane loml please continue

livingmybesthive: my lil guys r chilling in the walls next to jons office right

livingmybesthive: and martin comes in and starts yapping

livingmybesthive: (i told my worms to look out for him

livingmybesthive: we couldnt rly tell what they were saying but we managed to snag a pic of him look!!!!

livingmybesthive sent a file: MARTIN_MY_POOKIE.jpg

annachnid: oh hes just how you described him!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!!!

livingmybesthive: i know right hes jusr so 😁

annachnid: jane,, theres smth u might wanna know

livingmybesthive: yea?

livingmybesthive: annabelle?

livingmybesthive: ur worrying me girl

annachnid: i think martin’s gay

livingmybesthive: hatw\

livingmybesthive: whar

livingmybesthive: what

annachnid: im so sorry

livingmybesthive: WHAt???

livingmybesthive: bro

annachnid: ::::(

livingmybesthive: how do u know :(

annachnid: well

annachnid: firstly

annachnid: look at him

livingmybesthive: fine... thats fair

livingmybesthive: but do u know for sure

annachnid: uhhhh

livingmybesthive: out with it D:

annachnid: pretty much yes ::::(

livingmybesthive: :((( how??

annachnid: so yk how theres tapes everywhere in the institute

annachnid: they’re of the web

livingmybesthive: whAt??

annachnid: oh yea maybe i didnt tell u

annachnid: the mother likes to keep an eye on the archivist and his doings idk its boring i let her handle it

livingmybesthive: oh ok

livingmybesthive: hehe an EYE

annachnid: i mean the eye isnt the only one who gets to know things and spy on people 🙄

livingmybesthive: say it louder sister

annachnid: yessss

annachnid: anyway we tend to begin recording things when adjacent strings look particularly taut

livingmybesthive: what

annachnid: nvm

annachnid: so we saw a couple of those, the thin ones that surround the archivist’s office

annachnid: (theyre getting thicker by the day tho)

annachnid: (just like my ass)

livingmybesthive: (true)

livingmybesthive: the archivist bro 😭

livingmybesthive: just call him jon

annachnid: no its funny im practicing for when i meet him

annachnid: “aRcHiViSt”

livingmybesthive: pLS

livingmybesthive: waiT YOURE GOING TO MEET HIM???????

annachnid: yea jonah is cookin up some evil plans or something and it requires me to manipulate the archivist which i am very good at

annachnid: he hasnt even told me WHEN this supposed meetup is going to happen

annachnid: or whether its even a physical event,, like

livingmybesthive: thats so rude omg

annachnid: EXACTLY its like do i have to dress up or not?? are we meeting in a pocket dimension or over spookype?? do me the courtesy of some forewarning *please*???

livingmybesthive: ugh

livingmybesthive: well dont worry u look fab all the time anyws

annachnid: thx i know 😛

annachnid: nah fuck it im gettin ready anyway

annachnid: when the time comes

annachnid: cos even if we dont see each other in person ill still be viewed over a spookype call

livingmybesthive: what is spookype

annachnid: spooky skype

livingmybesthive: ooooohhhh

livingmybesthive: gosh! am jealous 😔 i love the archivist hes so funny

annachnid: i asked jonah if u could come and he was like “no jane has another job” like stfu crusty old man

livingmybesthive: aw annabelle 🥺 its okayyy

JimmyMagma: I am right here.

annachnid: i know x

livingmybesthive: HOW DO YOU RESPOND SO FAST

livingmybesthive: i bet beholding just sends an alert whenever “jonah” is mentioned

annachnid: oh my goodness ur prolly right

annachnid: jonah

annachnid: jonah

livingmybesthive: jonah jonah jonah

annachnid: jonah

livingmybesthive: jonah

annachnid: jonah

livingmybesthive: jonah

annachnid: jonah

JimmyMagma: Cut that out. Please.

annachnid: GASP

livingmybesthive: HE SAID THE P WORD

Jonah Magnus to Peter Lukas

[23 MARCH 2:09 PM]

me: Help

Jonah Magnus sent a file: Screenshot_20160323_93827165.jpg

Lukass: Hahaha

Lukass: No

“band of the silly willies”

[23 MARCH 2:14 PM]

livingmybesthive: guess hes ignoring us now 🙄

annachnid: so we have to censor j*nah apparently

annachnid: (oh no whatever will i do)

annachnid: (jk im overjoyed ive wanted everyone to do this for ages)

livingmybesthive: well only if we dont want him to join the convo

annachnid: which is when?

livingmybesthive: ...all the time

annachnid: exactly

livingmybesthive: ok i see ur point

livingmybesthive: do u think “elias” counts

JimmyMagma: It does.

livingmybesthive: WOW A STRAIGHT ANSWER???

livingmybesthive: or a gay answer i guess

JimmyMagma: And so does “Magnus”. Really, anything you are trying to refer to me with will draw my gaze. Euphemisms won’t work, either.

livingmybesthive: oh shut up

livingmybesthive: wait even if i say the magnus institute??

JimmyMagma: No, that one doesn’t count, because you are naming the academic institution, not its founder.

JimmyMagma: Otherwise... I will be notified. The Eye sees all.

nikorsina: That’s not true, Elias! Can I call you Elias?

annachnid: wait???? then why does censoring it work????

livingmybesthive: oh my god i bet he doesn’t know

annachnid: HAHAHAHA

livingmybesthive: that’s so embarrassinggggg

livingmybesthive: maybe he just pretends it works so he can ignore us on purpose

annachnid: see j*nah COULD talk to us he just chooses not to

livingmybesthive: what E ver hes a shithead anyway

JimmyMagma: That’s all right. I’m glad you’re able to express yourself. I’ve always valued that sort of trust.

livingmybesthive: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP i do not trust you in any way shape or form

livingmybesthive: i, jane prentiss, do not trust jonah magnus no matter what vessel he uses

livingmybesthive: help annabelle is it doing anything

annachnid: yes jane you are fine

annachnid: eye avatars cant compel u into trusting them anyway thats more of a spiral thing

livingmybesthive: oh thank god

livingmybesthive: i rly need one of those avatar manual handbook thingies

livingmybesthive: hey who do you think wrote those

livingmybesthive: if it was jon*h im winging it

livingmybesthive: avatarhood here i come, totally unprepared

annachnid: i think i have a second edition stored under the house if u wanna check it out next time ur here

annachnid: no dw idk who wrote it but the writing style isnt jon*hs its too humble and friendly

livingmybesthive: oh ok then HELL yeah

livingmybesthive: just as soon as i finish infiltrating jon*hs nasty little castle

annachnid: OMG???

annachnid: HAHAHA we’re calling it that now

livingmybesthive: THE NASTY LITTLE CASTLE

annachnid: rofl 😭😭😭😭

livingmybesthive: i could actually leave the institute rn if you like?

livingmybesthive: i WAS here to stalk martin but now i just want to bother jon*h so im gonna fuck his archive uppppp but its not like critically important

annachnid: nono stay its gonna be so fucking funny

JimmyMagma: Sacrifices must be made. Feel free to destroy what you like. In any case, all important documents are inaccessible.

livingmybesthive: DONT you dare take the fun out of it you loser

annachnid: dont worry i bet he cares about his stupid pieces of paper sooo much

livingmybesthive: thanks ur a real one 💖

livingmybesthive: unlike some people

Annabelle Cane to Jane Prentiss

[23 MARCH 7:06 PM]

me: honey are you ok though? i know this came as a shock

me: (it really shouldnt have though hes so obviously fruity now that ive seen him)

miss crawling riot: about what? martin?

me: yeh

me: ru holding up okay

miss crawling riot: NO

miss crawling riot: im CRUSHED 😔

miss crawling riot: (buried core)

miss crawling riot: ok no im fine

miss crawling riot: i didnt even know him anyway

me: oh good

me: im seriously sorry it didnt work out

miss crawling riot: whatev

miss crawling riot: now i can continue harassing jon 😁

me: sweetheart

miss crawling riot: NOT BECAUSE I LIKE HIM

miss crawling riot: we're just metaphysically meant for each other

me: yyyes

miss crawling riot: did u know people on bumblr call him the jarchivist

me: HAHA thats briliat

me: brolliant

me: brill

me: .

me: brilliant

me: UGH

miss crawling riot: THERE U GO

miss crawling riot: i have a q for u but its gossipppp so we gonna move to main chat

me: ooh ok

me: i LOVE bothering everybody else with our incessant chatter

me: especially if its jonah.

me: oh god do we have to censor it in private dms

miss crawling riot: prob not? hes not in this chat

me: ajne

me: kane

me: jan

miss crawling riot: oh right 🤦‍♀️

miss crawling riot: fuck beholding 😭

me: eww what if he can spy on us aaaaahg gross

miss crawling riot: HEYYY jonah ihy <3

me: i love when hes online but only bc no matter what is going on it makes him irritated

miss crawling riot: same^^^

“band of the silly willies”

[23 MARCH 7:10 PM]

livingmybesthive: @annachnid so wait sorry i interrupted u earlier

livingmybesthive: how do u kno martins gay fs

helen’t: ARE WE DISCUSSING MARTIN BLACKWOODS OBVIOUS QUEERNESS

helen’t: hold on i am an EXPERT on this

helen’t: LOOK AT HIM.

livingmybesthive: is your name annabelle.

livingmybesthive: NO it iS NOT

helen’t: seriously

helen’t: i rest my case

unichael: , bruh

annachnid: sorry here now

annachnid: AYYYYYE MICHAEL WB its been a smokin hot min

unichael: 😎

unichael: soz lads iv ebeen busy being awesome

unichael: (but not in the lame way simon is)

unichael: (in the cool michael way)

helen’t: you are not cool

unichael: why not >:S

helen’t: well for one thing you add bruhs to all my sentences

helen’t: quit adding bruhs to all my sentences

unichael: bbut im just doing my job :E

helen’t: what job..

unichael: younger brother duh

annachnid: quiet down children

death is just around the coroner: but im so entertained......

annachnid: boo hoo

annachnid: anyway @/jane i was looking thru the mother’s latest tapes

annachnid: and it turns out we have a copy of martins statement for the archivist

annachnid: heres a clip from their conversation afterward

annachnid sent a file: 0161203_edited.mp3

annachnid: so. thats how i know hes gay

livingmybesthive: oh my god

livingmybesthive: never mind i ship them so hard

death is just around the coroner: wow she moves on fast

livingmybesthive: stfu listen to the tape b4 judging me

death is just around the coroner: fine jeez

death is just around the coroner: oh my god

helen’t: i literally told you

unichael: ..........holy shit yeah

livingmybesthive: RIGHT???

unichael: they’re so gay hello???

unichael: well i dont think the archivist likes him back yet but still

unichael: they have ✨️compatibility✨️   

death is just around the coroner: i have no idea why they would work but i KNOW they would 😭

livingmybesthive: diD JON JUST

livingmybesthive: offer martin a cot in the magnus institute archives???\

death is just around the coroner: i guess?? i have no idea why

livingmybesthive: so hes gonna LIVE IN THE INSTITUTE now

annachnid: yes ma’am

annachnid: is that a good or bad thing

livingmybesthive: it could be either cause on the one hand im also living at the institute but on the other hand i cannot get to him. i tried like a week ago to see if i could get into that room they were talking abt (“document storage”) and it is SEALED, like. jeez what documents could be so important

livingmybesthive: anyway we already know he doesnt respond to knocking for some reason so thats out of the question

livingmybesthive: maybe hes deaf or hard of hearing??

livingmybesthive: wait i just listened to a recording of him having a conversation 💀

livingmybesthive: .anyway

livingmybesthive: idk what to do now but thats the jane life update in real time

annachnid: wow

annachnid: ok good to know good to know

annachnid: wait why do u wanna get into document storage if u’ve given up on him?

livingmybesthive: well its not that imperative i just wanna say hi oneeeee time

annachnid: sigh i cant blame ya

death is just around the coroner: oh my god...

death is just around the coroner: an archivist and his assistant........

death is just around the coroner: wait int that kinda

annachnid: they were born in the same year i think

death is just around the coroner: oh ok then

death is just around the coroner: oh my gosh we haaaaaveeee to watch them now

death is just around the coroner: UGH EW EW EW im turning into j*nah

death is just around the coroner: ok we have to *keep up with* them now

death is just around the coroner: bets?

death is just around the coroner: personally im hoping they become friends by next year

livingmybesthive: you are ON im calling it at three months

death is just around the coroner: wow

death is just around the coroner: ambitious

livingmybesthive: u wish

livingmybesthive: closest without going over?

death is just around the coroner: that’s fine

death is just around the coroner: £15?

livingmybesthive: what are u broke

livingmybesthive: wussy boy

death is just around the coroner: fuck you i dont take petty bait

death is just around the coroner: at least not from you

death is just around the coroner: if its from annabelle it doesnt count bc she is supernaturally assisted in her manipulation

annachnid: no im not what r u talking abt ::::)))))

death is just around the coroner: dont listen to her

livingmybesthive: who r u talking to bud

livingmybesthive: everyoneeee knows she isnt

livingmybesthive: 😜

death is just around the coroner: ...

livingmybesthive: fine £15

callumbrooding: i dont think theyre gay

callumbrooding: archivists a prick to him

callumbrooding: well. i dont know maybe he just sucks ass and balls at flirting

callumbrooding: its hard to tell, tbh

livingmybesthive: CALLUM HI

callumbrooding: get away from me

livingmybesthive: its nice to see u too :3

annachnid: be nice to my friend.

callumbrooding: fine

callumbrooding: anyway thats my stance

death is just around the coroner: i would bet against u too but my mum would go rolling out her grave to kill me again for entering a money deal with a child

annachnid: hmmm what do i think

death is just around the coroner: ur not allowed to bet u know almost as much as a watcher

annachnid: fiiiiineeee

livingmybesthive: EHEHEHE

livingmybesthive: gya bois

livingmybesthive: sigh

annachnid: sigh

livingmybesthive: i will find somebody who appreciates me

annachnid: if both of us arent married by the time were 30 do u wanna get married

livingmybesthive: omg yes deal

livingmybesthive: unless we suddenly stop being silly or something

annachnid: thats never gonna happen

livingmybesthive: ik

livingmybesthive: just had to put it out there 😔

death is just around the coroner: :( who am i gonna make a marriage pact with

annachnid: boi do u think ur gonna have ANY trouble getting a husband

death is just around the coroner: YES I DO ANNABELLE

annachnid: with that jawline? no way in firey hell

death is just around the coroner: aw thank u 🥺

death is just around the coroner: its actually sort of more like senseless oblivion but i appreciate it 🥰

annachnid: what

death is just around the coroner: you know

death is just around the coroner: hell

death is just around the coroner: its not that firey

annachnid: NO SPOILERS 👎🏿👎🏿👎🏿

death is just around the coroner: OH GOD DAMMIT

death is just around the coroner: oh god im gonna get fired

annachnid: fired from being an avatar???

death is just around the coroner: YES ANNABELLE

annachnid: o fuck

annachnid: gimme a sec

death is just around the coroner: k

Annabelle Cane modified the timeline

annachnid: done

death is just around the coroner: oh thank you dearly

livingmybesthive: done w what

annachnid: dont worry abt it ::::)

livingmybesthive: ok~ 😝

Chapter Text

[23 MARCH 7:29 PM]

livingmybesthive: what were we talking about

annachnid: yalls love lives

livingmybesthive: OH YEA

livingmybesthive: so anyway

death is just around the coroner: what are our standarsd guys @Mikechtenberg @judepetty @angus @Iamastrongandcapablewomanuela @J @unichael @helen’t

angus: no jude is @gregg now

death is just around the coroner: god i can barely remember ur guys’ nicknames anymore 💀

helen’t: ur one to talk urs is a paiiiin totype out

unichael: HAI HELEN

helen’t: HI  MICHAL

helen’t: (we saw each other 30 minues ago)

unichael: (or was it 30 hours?)

helen’t: shit up michael noone want s to uhear your badly executed gaslighting

unichael: sorry guys shes hung over

death is just around the coroner: on what doorknob grease

gregg: Tf is this for

angus: scroll up

gregg: Oh

gregg: Where are the wrinkles then

death is just around the coroner: we’re not pinging the creepy old men bc noboduy wants to hear abt that

annachnid: hear hear

annachnid: we all kno what j*nahs type is anyway

annachnid: and peters ::::)))))

death is just around the coroner: eww no lonelyeyes in the chat plz

annachnid: sugar daddy x gold digger

angus: but who is who

annachnid: peter is sugar daddy

annachnid: obviously

annachnid: he funds the institute for goodness’ sake

angus: tru

angus: so true actually

death is just around the coroner: whAT DID I UST SAY

annachnid: you are not the boss of me ::::)

annachnid: nobody is the boss of me ::::)

annachnid: /i/ am the boss of everyone

annachnid: undisputably

annachnid: both supernaturally and otherwise

annachnid: boss BITCH

Annabelle Cane changed Annabelle Cane’s nickname to boss bitch

boss bitch: i loved annachnid but i need to make a point sorry jane

livingmybesthive: all good 🪱

jurgen it: Oliver am I also in that group

jurgen it: I’m not creepy or old am I

jurgen it: Don’t answer that

nikorsina: Hi Jurgen : o )

jurgen it: I feel vaguely threatened

boss bitch: nikola sweetheart

Mikechtenberg: Nikola you forgot rule 15

nikorsina: Oh! My apologies! Jurgen? Who is Jurgen? I have never heard of a Jurgen Leitner in my life.

boss bitch: good enough ::::)

Mikechtenberg: She tried

jurgen it: I would be happy to participate anyway 🙂

death is just around the coroner: .....if a certain man whose surname started with L and ended in R happened to be in this chat and asked to participate in my game i would say absolutely not

livingmybesthive: @/oliver i feel like thats almost cheating

sasa lele: Hi everyone. I am online now, because I have a question. What’s rule 15?

Mikechtenberg: No talking to leitner. We introduced it the day before you joined

sasa lele: Why?

Mikechtenberg: We do not speak of the Incident

sasa lele: Okay then. How very ominous.

death is just around the coroner: ...if no one wants to go im drawing straws

death is just around the coroner: JARED

J: Do I have to

livingmybesthive: no

boss bitch: yes

death is just around the coroner: yesn’t

sasa lele: ...Non’t 🙂^💭🔥3

J: Uhh.

J: My standards.

J: Are

J: Uhh

J: 1) Female

J: (Optional)

[23 MARCH 7:36 PM]

death is just around the coroner: is that all

J: Yes

death is just around the coroner: ok based

death is just around the coroner: spinnig da wheel again

livingmybesthive: i thought u were drawing straws

death is just around the coroner: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

helen’t: u deceived jane..... im so prouud :”)

death is just around the coroner: master of deceivingtion... thats me

helen’t: .sure.

boss bitch: mikes turn ::::)))

Mikechtenberg: They haven’t finished spinning the wheel wtf do you mean

Mikechtenberg: Or drawing the straws whatfuckever

boss bitch: it’s your turn mike.

Mikechtenberg: Why

boss bitch: because i said so.

Mikechtenberg: Oh god fine ok

Mikechtenberg: I DON’T KNOW

boss bitch: hmmmmm

boss bitch: we’ll come back to u

Mikechtenberg: No

boss bitch: yes bc i said so

Mikechtenberg: When did you get so mean

boss bitch: the womb

boss bitch: or

boss bitch: the egg sac, i guess

Mikechtenberg: Ew

gregg: Ew

angus: ew

death is just around the coroner: EW.

livingmybesthive: yum

Mikechtenberg: DOUBLE EW

unichael: (he speaks for all of us)

helen’t: (yes but also i’d like to offer my input:

helen’t: E W W W W W)

livingmybesthive: dont worry ive got u in the ew department :))))

Oliver Banks removed Oliver Banks from the group

Mike Crew removed Mike Crew from the group

Jude Perry removed Jude Perry from the group

Michael Distortion removed Michael Distortion from the group

Helen Distortion removed Helen Distortion from the group

boss bitch: you are all losers

boss bitch: little did you know this was actually all a ploy to weed out the squeamish idiots

boss bitch: so

livingmybesthive: YEAH

livingmybesthive: im not hurt at ALL

Annabelle Cane added Oliver Banks, Mike Crew, Jude Perry, Michael Distortion, and Helen Distortion to the group

boss bitch: youre gonna fucking apologise to my best friend

boss bitch: also i need somebody to bully so come back

gregg: >>>:(

boss bitch: what is that is that supposed to be your flaming head

gregg: NO it is to show the SEVERITY of my FRUSTRATED EYEBROW SCRUNCHING

boss bitch: the archivist would be proud youre so arTiculate

gregg: Ugh god no

boss bitch: AAAAAAAANYWAY

boss bitch: apologise hoes

Mikechtenberg: ...Who’s gonna do it

gregg: Not it

unichael: not it :P

helen’t: fine i will

helen’t: we are all very sorry

boss bitch: good enough

boss bitch: oliver what did the wheel land on

boss bitch: or what draw did you straw

death is just around the coroner: ...

boss bitch: well?

death is just around the coroner: what what did i what, again, please?

boss bitch: oh

boss bitch: oops

death is just around the coroner: HAHa thats so funny

boss bitch: 😐

death is just around the coroner: uhh let me check

death is just around the coroner: it was mike

death is just around the coroner: apparently

Mikechtenberg: No way

Mikechtenberg: I don’t believe you

boss bitch: BAHAHAHAHAHA

Mikechtenberg: AUGH uhhh.

Mikechtenberg: I like tall guys

Mikechtenberg: I guess

gregg: Everyone is taller than you so you’ll have a lot of options

Mikechtenberg: Shut the fuck up

gregg: Or what?

Mikechtenberg: Or you’re gonna go on an impromptu skydiving trip

gregg: Sheesh fine get off my ass

boss bitch: wow

boss bitch: claps

boss bitch: tall guys

boss bitch: really

Mikechtenberg: What

Mikechtenberg: What is wrong with that what could possibly be so grievously offensive

boss bitch: how very... basic

Mikechtenberg: Actually what is wrong with you

boss bitch: everything ::::)))

Oliver Banks to Annabelle Cane

[23 MARCH 7:45 PM]

me: I DIDNT KNOW HE WAS GYA

me: WHAHT THJEK FUICFLLKKKKKK

bananabelle: KICKING MY FEET

bananabelle: how did u not know

bananabelle: honestly 😭

bananabelle: this man says shit like “grievously offensive”

me: 😭😭😭😭😭

“band of the silly willies”

[23 MARCH 7:46 PM]

Mikechtenberg: Are you satisfied

boss bitch: very thank you

death is just around the coroner: spinign again

death is just around the coroner: spingn

death is just around the coroner: spinngin*

death is just around the coroner: SPINNGi

death is just around the coroner: s

death is just around the coroner: p

death is just around the coroner: i

death is just around the coroner: n

death is just around the coroner: n

death is just around the coroner: i

death is just around the coroner: n

death is just around the coroner: g

death is just around the coroner: spinnging

Mikechtenberg: In de... in de speginging...

Oliver Banks removed Oliver Banks from the group

Annabelle Cane added Oliver Banks to the group

boss bitch: sotp doing thatttt

Mikechtenberg: Hehe

Oliver Banks to Annabelle Cane

[23 MARCH 7:48 PM]

bananabelle: this man says shit like “grievously offensive”

me: 😭😭😭😭😭

bananabelle: and “HEHE”

me: HBLEP

bananabelle: what are u even triyng to spell there

me: damn losing our touch are we

bananabelle: damn nervous around ur boy are we

me: SHUT PU ill block u

bananabelle: .

me: up*

bananabelle: learn to type

[23 MARCH 7:50 PM]

death is just around the coroner: im gonna cry

Mikechtenberg: That’s ok

Mikechtenberg: Need a mo

death is just around the coroner: no dw silly i was jk

Mikechtenberg: Oh

Mikechtenberg: Cool

Mikechtenberg: Good

Mikechtenberg: Annabelle who’s next

Mikechtenberg: ??? I mean Oliver

death is just around the coroner: iuhhhhh

boss bitch: no u did mean to ask me ::::)

boss bitch: it’s agnes

death is just around the coroner: no it wont be

boss bitch: yes it will.

death is just around the coroner: spinning

death is just around the coroner: omg

death is just around the coroner: whatt eh fuck how did u know

boss bitch: shrug!

boss bitch: agnes go

angus: i like

angus: girl

angus: less bin

angus: bien

angus: les ban

angus: women

angus: jude

gregg: :>

gregg: Same

gregg: Also coke

angus: go off amiright

boss bitch: ok well then theres ur turn jude

boss bitch: whos left

boss bitch: OLIVER!!

death is just around the coroner: um?

death is just around the coroner: no

death is just around the coroner: i asked the question i am the host therefore i am exempt

boss bitch: not by my rules

boss bitch: i run this shitshow now

boss bitch: its even in hthe name ::::)

boss bitch: BOSS bitch.

boss bitch: i am both a boss and a bitch. and a bitch boss. and a boss bitch.

death is just around the coroner: well im not even on the wheel or in the straws so there

boss bitch: ::::)

death is just around the coroner: drawing/spinning now.

death is just around the coroner: WHAT THE FUCK HOW

death is just around the coroner: are u actually messing wit it

boss bitch: how could i possibly be doing that oliver?

death is just around the coroner: IDK ITS YOU YOUD FIND A WAY

death is just around the coroner: evidentally you HAVE found a way

death is just around the coroner: evidently*

boss bitch: who can tell ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

death is just around the coroner: i will not go

boss bitch: mhm sure

boss bitch: feel free to go last when everyone is watching

death is just around the coroner: no no no

death is just around the coroner: um

death is just around the coroner: short

death is just around the coroner: and that is all i will say about that

boss bitch: what

boss bitch: like short guys

boss bitch: 👀👀👀👀

death is just around the coroner: maybe

boss bitch: ok 👀👀👀👀

Oliver Banks to Annabelle Cane

[23 MARCH 7:59 PM]

bananabelle: also. notice how in ur list of tags. u typed out mikes @ first

me: this means literally nothing

bananabelle: says u........

bananabelle: i bet u didnt even make a typo

bananabelle: flawless execution

bananabelle: ur ignoring me? 🥺

me: yes

bananabelle: 😔

[23 MARCH 7:62 PM]

boss bitch: are we bored

boss bitch: we better not be

unichael: no boss

helen’t: of course not boss

unichael: sorry boss

boss bitch: thats what i like to see

boss bitch: ok which of u wants to go

helen’t: srsly

helen’t: u cant i dunno

helen’t: make an educated guess

helen’t: just throw it in the ballpark

unichael: we are simple creatures annabelle

unichael: we fw bitches who match our freak

boss bitch: anything more specific

helen’t: i like real estate agents and lawyers. both peak at gaslighting

helen’t: which by the way is NOT the same thing as manipulation

boss bitch: great answer ty

boss bitch: hbu mikey mcfuckhands

boss bitch: HEY that should be ur new nickname

unichael: i am called MICHAEL not mike

boss bitch: boo

“operation timothy hodge”

[7:65 PM]

annabisque: i have a better idea

annabisque: or a compromise at least

Annabelle Cane changed Michael Distortion’s nickname to mikey mcfuckhands

mikey mcfuckhands: i’ll allow it

annabisque: darn right 😎

annabisque: wait i have an even BETTER idea

Annabelle Cane changed Michael Distortion’s nickname to minestrone mcfuckhands

minestrone mcfuckhands: this is good i like this

annabisque: good

annabisque: now we must enlist the third and final member of this lovely little group

annabisque: (i almost typed polycule be grateful i remembered magnus is in here)

annabisque: magnus what do you wanna be

Jonah Magnus: Jonah Magnus.

annabisque: no

Annabelle Cane changed Jonah Magnus’s nickname to Jonah Miso

annabisque: short for misogyny

Annabelle Cane renamed the group to soup group

minestrone mcfuckhands: i have no words... its so beautiful...

Jonah Miso: You do realise this chatroom is merely a temporary measure?

annabisque: thats what makes it special 🥰

“band of the silly willies”

[7:68 PM]

boss bitch: well whatev its your turn

unichael: um

unichael: well

unichael: idk really

unichael: michael shelley was very socially anxious

unichael: and me personally michael distortion ive never had a serious romantic relationship

unichael: generally attracted to everybody LOL

unichael: but it might be more

unichael: like

unichael: the pull of the spiral

unichael: instead of hell yea lets bang

helen’t: there are children here

callumbrooding: who, me?

helen’t: AAAAHG

helen’t: YES???

helen’t: what are u doing here

unichael: havent u noticed

unichael: he just sits there ominously in the background every time we chat

helen’t: michael its not like we’re all in a room together how am i supoosed to know that

unichael: idk figure it out

unichael: i know

helen’t: how

unichael: idk i just do

helen’t: UGHH middle finger emoji

unichael: <p><span style=“font-size: 5000;”>:middle_finger:</span></p>

helen’t: FUCK you mate

helen’t: fuckin nerd

unichael: i thought ther were kids here

helen’t: i need a whiskey bro

unichael: no u definitely do not

callumbrooding: well i do

helen’t: oh dearie you’re too young for this

callumbrooding: DON’T patronise me i am 11 years old

helen’t: shite my bad

boss bitch: mates we havent done manuela

Mikechtenberg: Good luck trying to get her online

boss bitch: @Iamastrongandcapablewomanuela

boss bitch: @Iamastrongandcapablewomanuela @Iamastrongandcapablewomanuela

boss bitch: tf why innit working...

boss bitch: why is she so hard to ping help

Mikechtenberg: I suspect she makes her name so long for that very purpose

boss bitch: ::::( manuelaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

boss bitch: she hates me

boss bitch: FINE whatever the annabelle game show is over

death is just around the coroner: game show???? you just INTERROGATED us game shows are supposed to be fun

boss bitch: exactly

boss bitch: it was very fun

boss bitch: for me ::::) ^💭👎6

Chapter Text

[27 MARCH 0:20 AM]

boss bitch: lowkey been thinking and lowkey i lowkey dont wanna be a bitch its fun but people get lowkey sad and thats lowkey boring

livingmybesthive: aww you do have emotions

boss bitch: (let me be clear i am still boss af)

boss bitch: if we werent friends...the things i would inflict upon ye...

livingmybesthive: but we are 😋

livingmybesthive: im sure u would dearie

boss bitch: anyway... that and i came up with another awesome nickname

boss bitch: a rare non-jane-invented word was spotted in the wild!

Annabelle Cane changed Annabelle Cane’s nickname to 8-belle

8-belle: get it

8-belle: because

8-belle: 8-ball

8-belle: and i have 8 legs

8-belle: (sometimes)

8-belle: and

8-belle: belle

8-belle: me

8-belle: i amma belle

livingmybesthive: yes HEHEHEEE i love it good job im very proud u get a medal of honor

livingmybesthive: accidentally typed hoor there at first help 😭

8-belle: medal of whore 😭

8-belle: u know who that goes to

livingmybesthive: i do :)))))))))))

livingmybesthive: however we dare not speak his name... for fear that he will arrive and start being smelly around us

8-belle: real

8-belle: love that for us

[27 MARCH 12:74 AM]

livingmybesthive: hold on @Peter L. u never explained to me exactly specifically how u know j*nah is a whore

livingmybesthive: i was just making fun of him i didnt know he ACTUALLY was..

livingmybesthive: but he does have very girlslut vibes...

livingmybesthive: plssssss im so curioussssss

livingmybesthive: its eating me aliveeeeeee

livingmybesthive: youve gotta know what thats like

livingmybesthive: your all-seeing boyfriend has gotta help you understand rightttttt

Peter Lukas muted Jane Prentiss

Annabelle Cane unmuted Jane Prentiss

livingmybesthive: hey man frick you too 😔✌️

livingmybesthive: thanks luv

8-belle: np

8-belle: we should rly b preventing that in future

8-belle: like what if im busy...

8-belle: no one would be able to see ur fabulous messages till i got back...

livingmybesthive: what an excellent point

livingmybesthive: bloodbot time?

8-belle: bloodbot time

8-belle: but u didnt hear it from me

livingmybesthive: 😈

8-belle: k test it out now

livingmybesthive: sure

livingmybesthive: peter lukas is the stinkiest oldest piece of cheese on this side of the solar system

Peter Lukas muted Jane Prentiss

bloodbot (BOT) unmuted Jane Prentiss

livingmybesthive: HAHAHAAAAAAA SUUUCK IIIITTTTT BIIITCBHHH

Peter L.: Elias might evict you if you say much else

livingmybesthive: AHHH NOOO YOU HAVE TO CENSOR IT

Peter L.: Why should I

livingmybesthive: because we hate him

livingmybesthive: i guess you dont tho

livingmybesthive: manwife

JimmyMagma: Making the face again.

livingmybesthive: i kno u are x

[31 MARCH 8:17 PM]

unichael: BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!

unichael: I MADE A NEW FRIEND

helen’t: yay!!

unichael: her name is sasha 😁

angus: ok?

unichael: no no no u dont understand

unichael: she works at the magnus institute

unichael: by bitches i meant jane

unichael: @livingmybesthive come heeeeereeeeeee i need you to spy on this girl named sasha

livingmybesthive: huh !!!!!?

unichael: i wanna know what shes up to she seems so interesting

livingmybesthive: ok 🫡

livingmybesthive: not like i have anything better to do haha

livingmybesthive: kinda hard to destroy precious documents in broad daylight

livingmybesthive: and j*nah says i cant roam after hours anymore because i knocked one (1) SINGULAR display stand over

livingmybesthive: as if its my fault there are zero nightlights anywhere??

livingmybesthive: what about martin?? wont he trip on the way to the bathroom???

livingmybesthive: @/j*nah i would even accept glow in the dark paint/stickers if thats all you got

livingmybesthive: in fact i would absolutely accept glow in the dark shit decor

livingmybesthive: i would think youd be all over that cos u could hide invisible eyes everywhere ???? like

livingmybesthive: idk bro makes no sense

livingmybesthive: whatever anyway

livingmybesthive: howd you meet sasha

unichael: annabelle recommended a cafe

unichael: and jonah said i had to go there and wait for this girl named sasha so i thought might as well

unichael: the vibes were immaculate as the kids say but i cant say much abt the food because. i dont eat etc

8-belle: oh sorry i didnt know 😭

unichael: all good cos i got to meet SASHA

angus: don’t let this be another jane sitch .

unichael: no no i am not *attracted* to her

unichael: no offense jane but humans are stinky

livingmybesthive: *faints* /j

unichael: lmao

unichael: anyway shes just cool

unichael: oliver what are you typing its been like 10 straight minutes

helen’t: bro is composing an essay

helen’t: probably an obituary

unichael: you’re so funny helen 😐

helen’t: i know

Helen Distortion changed Oliver Banks’s nickname to olituary

unichael: fr tho oli u there

olituary: yea

olituary: ooo fire

unichael: whats up then

olituary: nothing

unichael: nothing?????

olituary: just

olituary: like

olituary: uh

olituary: not to be emo or anything but enjoy what you have while it lasts

unichael: ok ??????

unichael: dont see what that has to do with sasha

unichael: but then again when are you known for paying attention

helen’t replied to olituary: “not to be emo or anything but … ”

↳helen’t: buddy take away the emo and there’s no oliver

livingmybesthive: *revives*

livingmybesthive: same old oliver 🥰

livingmybesthive: if he’s never not ominous we’ll know what happened

nikorsina: ^^ ...He’d have been taken by the Not-Them!.... Although I have never heard of an avatar falling victim to another Fear.

angus: it happens.

angus: it’s rare tho.

helen’t: the what

nikorsina: The Not-Them is a manifestation of I Do Not Know You that kills its victim by taking their place. Every time, almost no one notices.

helen’t: wow

helen’t: we should be besties

helen’t: nobody noticed when helen got eaten

unichael: the archivist did

helen’t: only because you told him

helen’t: plus i leaned out of The Door right in front of his face

unichael: and when is that gonna happen again

helen’t: idkkkkk ill find the right moment trust

angus: sorry huh i’m not following

unichael: helen is technically not part of the distortion yet

angus: what???

helen’t: wouldn’t expect you to understand 🙄

unichael: just tell her its not that complicated

angus: tell me what

unichael: time travel

unichael: its just time travel lmao

angus: oh

angus: sure

angus: makes total sense /s

helen’t: like i said...

angus: oh hush...

helen’t: to clarify: the distortion is not actually able to time travel that would be dumb

unichael: and OP

helen’t: and OP yes

angus: what??????

helen’t: we just had annabelle pull some... silly little tricks

helen’t: and now future me can talk in a chat in the past and also talk to michael

helen’t: this is probably only possible because of all the supernatural shit floating around

helen’t: things get weird when you put us all in close proximity especially since groupchats themselves represent & channel the fears in many ways

angus: ?????no theydont lmao

angus: wait but didnt you go and harass oliver in person

helen’t: i dont remember that?

angus: he hid in the fake coffin in his backyard

helen’t: oh yeah

angus: didnt you go chase him down

helen’t: well

helen’t: i did

helen’t: well

helen’t: the distortion did

helen’t: i’m me

helen’t: and i’m michael

helen’t: and he’s me

helen’t: and we’re the distortion

helen’t: it’s really very simple

angus: omg i literally cant anymore

unichael: ugh

helen’t: PAY UP

angus: what

helen’t: every time i win (confuse someone beyond hope of clarification) i get a fiver from michael

unichael: hence

unichael: ugh

helen’t: see you soon dorkus shnorkus

helen’t: anyway i would b friends w not-them

nikorsina: Personally, I’ve always found them too...

Not Not Heekon: Brash?

Not Not Brope: Obnoxious?

Not Not Heekon: Bromidic?

Not Not Brope: Pointy?

nikorsina: Yes, yes, all of those.

helen’t: whatev

unichael: oh are we all done now

angus: dont take that tone :/

unichael sent a file: Voice memo_20160331_29015027.mp3

[File description: 12 seconds of garbled audio, with painfully loud squealing in the background. It’s reminiscent of a kettle, or a tape recorder./End description]

angus sent a file: Voice memo_20160331_41876063.mp3

[File description: A clip of Agnes groaning, “Okay, I’m sorry,” with emphasis on the “kay” and “sor” syllables./End description]

unichael: ive barely even started my story bruh 💔

8-belle: OH yes right continue please

unichael: THANK you annabelle 😌

unichael: so i pop into this cute little cafe right

unichael: told her the usual creepy monster lines (re: the institute) or whatever cause i got to maintain my brand (im sure she was very charmed /s this is why i dont date)

livingmybesthive: what lines

unichael: ohh its not important

livingmybesthive: michael

unichael: so we’re chilling right and i took her haaand (platonically) and she looked SO spooked it was hilarious

livingmybesthive: i just wanna know

unichael: what

livingmybesthive: what things were you telling her

livingmybesthive: you didnt tell me abt her did you

unichael: hhh well um

unichael: dont be mad

livingmybesthive: MICHAEL

unichael: IM SORRY JONAH SAID I HAD TO

unichael: oops shit i mean j*nah

livingmybesthive: damage has already been done :( now hes heeere^💭👁️

livingmybesthive: bro get your dumb ass Eye off my message^💭❌

livingmybesthive: anyway

livingmybesthive: MICHAELLL how could you ,, now i cant surprise them

8-belle: jane all of them have seen your worms multiple times

8-belle: im sorry to say secrecy is a lost cause

livingmybesthive: oh

livingmybesthive: really

8-belle: yeah

livingmybesthive: oh

livingmybesthive: then its okay michael i forgive you

unichael: phew

unichael: i mean what i dont care

livingmybesthive: yeah yeah

livingmybesthive: so thats all tho right

unichael: yes thats all i told her

livingmybesthive: ok good

unichael: aaand then she ran away and i went home

livingmybesthive: oookay then

unichael replied to livingmybesthive: “MICHAELLL how could you ,, now…”

↳unichael: sure you could

↳unichael: just jump out from behind a wall or something

livingmybesthive: mmm no i dont think so

livingmybesthive: not organic enough

livingmybesthive: get it

8-belle: HEHE

unichael: oh because organic wow so funny 

livingmybesthive: ik

livingmybesthive: so

livingmybesthive: whats up guys

livingmybesthive: hows life

unichael: well i left my stove on and now my kitchen is on fire

unichael: so igtg bye 😭

8-belle: jude would be proud

livingmybesthive: oh shit bye 😭

“soup group”

[2 APRIL 12:52 AM]

annabisque: how goes operation timothy hodge

minestrone mcfuckhands: fine

minestrone mcfuckhands: im done actually

minestrone mcfuckhands: sasha is informed and worm-free

annabisque: great :::3 well done!!!

minestrone mcfuckhands: annabelle question

minestrone mcfuckhands: why did you hate the idea that the group should be named operation jane prentiss

annabisque: i must confess.

annabisque: i feel bad for lying to her

minestrone mcfuckhands: i would too if i were u

annabisque: you dont??

minestrone mcfuckhands: a) im not u

minestrone mcfuckhands: b) i deal in tricks and lies i’m feeding the spiral

minestrone mcfuckhands: a boys gotta eat somehow

annabisque: what do you think im doing 😐

annabisque: hypocrite 💔

minestrone mcfuckhands: no i lied i do feel bad :(

minestrone mcfuckhands: but like

minestrone mcfuckhands: its gonna be so funny

annabisque: i hope she doesnt mind

minestrone mcfuckhands: have u talked to jude and oliver yet?

annabisque: yeah

minestrone mcfuckhands: then itll be fine stop worrying

annabisque: i dont wOrRy

minestrone mcfuckhands: stop bRoOdiNg then

annabisque: i do NOT bRoOd

minestrone mcfuckhands: well

Jonah Magnus deleted the group

Chapter Text

“band of the silly willies”

[2 APRIL 3:45 PM]

livingmybesthive: mikalele sasalesa

livingmybesthive: miksasa lelesa

livingmybesthive: mikaelele sasalesale

livingmybesthive: the possibilities are endless

unichael: omg shut UP about MIKSASALELE

livingmybesthive: thats also a great one :0

livingmybesthive: how about mikasalele.

unichael: fuckoffffffffff

unichael: i cant even remember what parts are his actual name and which are from god damn sasa lele anymore

livingmybesthive: both and neither. at once.

unichael: stahp 😭😭😭

livingmybesthive: you know michael i was thinking

livingmybesthive: your name is supposed to resemble the term “un-michael” correct

unichael: tf you mean “supposed to”

livingmybesthive: it got stuck in my head and stayed there all day today (was very annoying)

livingmybesthive: (dae get like words or phrases stuck in their heads instead of songs like a vocal stim but silently in your head. or is that just me)

olituary: (no not just u)

livingmybesthive: (yayyy hiii)

olituary: (hiii 😊)

livingmybesthive: AAAA nyway it got me repeating it in my head over and over again

livingmybesthive: and i have come to the conclusion that it sounds more like a certain one-wheeled vehicle than un michael

unichael: oh no...

livingmybesthive: therefore your new name is

Jane Prentiss changed Michael Distortion’s nickname to unicychael

livingmybesthive: now would you prefer unicychael or unichichael

livingmybesthive: or perhaps even unicichael

unicychael: .

helen’t: oh my fuck god

unicychael: not ONE word helen

helen’t: sobbing this is so freak

helen’t: freaking peak* i cant words today

unicychael: dw we all know u never can

helen’t: wow ok

helen’t: right so then i have to be a vehicle too...

unicychael: hmm

unicychael: 😭 sorry i CANT the unicychael is distracting me

helen’t: dont worry you dont have to come up with anything

aeropelen: because i am the frickin goat

Helen Distortion changed Helen Distortion’s nickname to aeropelen

unicychael: HELLLL YYYEAAAAAHHHHHHHHh

aeropelen: actually i wanted to do something with “wheel” yk like “wheelen” but idk any vehicles like that 💔

unicychael: srsly u cant think of any vehicles with the word wheel in them

aeropelen: no :(

unicychael: what about

unicychael: uh

unicychael: wait am i literally stupid

aeropelen: silly*

unicychael: wait am i literally silly

aeropelen: idk ?? we both are i guess ???

unicychael: i cant think of any either ????

unicychael: twin

aeropelen: me when im silly...

aeropelen: omg you cant say twin when we’re actually twins its cheating

unicychael: yes i can

aeropelen: no

unicychael: says who

aeropelen: me

unicychael: and every day i thank god i dont have to listen to u

unicychael: well not God god

unicychael: whichever one is the god of free will

unicychael: @8-belle which one is the opposite of the mother

8-belle: n/a

unicychael: well then thank n/a that u dont get to boss me around

aeropelen: UR ONLY THREE MINUTES OLDER THAN ME

8-belle: also ur wrong about opposites, on a technicality, but i dont care enough

8-belle: wait, seriously?

unicychael: unfortunately.

8-belle: are you actually related

unicychael: no

aeropelen: basically

aeropelen: practically

aeropelen: in most senses of the word

unicychael: we aren’t

unicychael: it’s just a wonderful coincidence

aeropelen: terrible*

8-belle: 🤠

aeropelen: cowboy yourself!

unicychael: um helen the spiral is woke remember

unicychael: it’s cowperson 🙄

8-belle: but the gender-neutral form of fireman is firefighter

8-belle: so the 🤠 emoji should really be named

8-belle: the cowfighter emoji.

unicychael: oh my god

unicychael: im LOSING IT

[3 APRIL 7:31 AM]

unicychael: i could even be... micycle

aeropelen: that would be so good omfg

aeropelen: @livingmybesthive come be jain (jane train) with us ╮(. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)╭

livingmybesthive: did you just.

livingmybesthive: ask ME.

livingmybesthive: to change my VERY EXCELLENT FABULOUS NICKNAME.

livingmybesthive: how DARE YOU

aeropelen: but will u tho

livingmybesthive: sorry lads no can do <3

aeropelen: ah well i tried

unicychael: thats ok we’ll call u jain anyway so u can be with the gng in spirit <3

livingmybesthive: fine...... i GUESS thats acceptable...... ^u^

unicychael: just imagine that every single time we say jane we’re actually spelling it jain

unicychael: like the essence of jain will be in the air we exhale as we say jane

livingmybesthive: oh don’t worry i will. i have no choice now.

aeropelen: is it just me or is she TERIFYINg with fullstops

unicychael: run AWAY omg

[9 APRIL 6:66 AM]

unicychael: why is this chat acc dead

olituary: because i’m in it

[11 APRIL 4:23 PM]

unicychael: wait...

unicychael: hey

olituary: HAHAHAHAHAHA

[13 APRIL 5:00 PM]

Annabelle Cane changed Annabelle Cane’s nickname to abbachnid

aeropelen: huh

abbachnid: i like abba

olituary: omg SAMEEEEEEEEEEEEE

aeropelen: i dont get it

abbachnid: its related to da Mother

aeropelen: abba was your mother??

abbachnid: no stupid capital M mother

abbachnid: also abba is 4 people and two of them are men

aeropelen: still

aeropelen: it makes no sense

abbachnid: yes it DOES???????

abbachnid: YOU make no sense

aeropelen: OMG RLYYYY

aeropelen: THANK U DARLING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

abbachnid: i would think you’d like this

aeropelen: i like nonsensical nonsense. this is just plain sensible nonsense

olituary: yknow whatever floats your boat

olituary: but we absolutely NEED to get you into abba

abbachnid: HEAR FUCKIN HEAR

[17 APRIL 4:12 PM]

livingmybesthive: LADS

livingmybesthive: BREAKING NEWS

livingmybesthive: THE NARRATIVE IS PROGRESSING

abbachnid: SPILL

livingmybesthive: thank you annabelle. always my wingwoman. this is the kind of enthusiasm i like to see.

unicychael: what’s going on i’m interested

livingmybesthive: wouldn’t you like to know mcfuckhands

unicychael: what 😭 i thought you wanted to tell 😭

livingmybesthive: sorryyyy yes i do i just wanted to say it

livingmybesthive: anyway a new statement giver came in today

livingmybesthive: the archivist took her statement in person

livingmybesthive: shes really pretty btw... just saying...

unicychael: not again 💀

olituary: come on jane...

unicychael: jain*

J: No

livingmybesthive: wdymmm

J: Just no

J: She’s covered in Slaughter

J: You deserve someone remade in your image

livingmybesthive: finee

livingmybesthive: ty jared <3

olituary: so jonathan had another live statement. big whoop

olituary: i thought we alr went over this w naomi herne

olituary: god i thought peter would never shut up

olituary: and i mean really. PETER. yapping incessantly. it was like opposite day had come early

olituary: he wouldnt stop bragging to j*nah that his patron was the first to touch the archivist

olituary: and j*nah was like “erm actually it’s still the eye bc the subject of the statmenet doesnt actually matter as much as the vOyEuRiStiC oSmOsiS” or whaterver the fuck

olituary: he was also saying like

olituary: “that forsaken girl was his first LIVE statement not his first statement ever”

abbachnid: yes we know oliver we were all there

olituary: ok and???? it was funny

unicychael: um excuse me i wasnt there i was busy

olituary: exactly thank you michael

abbachnid: whhateverrr

livingmybesthive: no but like!!!!! its not just ANY statement giver

livingmybesthive: it was so funny bc she and the archivist were mad opps

livingmybesthive: like the hatred was palpable

livingmybesthive: their showdown was intenseeee

abbachnid: no way dude

abbachnid: theyre so similar i would have thought they’d get along 😭

abbachnid: ah well one less competitor for martin to dispose of

abbachnid: i love him so mcuh hes so manipulative

olituary: he would hate that you think that.....

abbachnid: he would 🥰

livingmybesthive: anyway this girl is named melanie

livingmybesthive: cute right

livingmybesthive: NO she is VICIOUS and i LOVE HER

livingmybesthive: and get this

J: Ohh

olituary: omg

livingmybesthive: her last name is king

J: Melanie King

J: Fitting

olituary: WAIT LIKE MELANIE KING FROM GHUK????

livingmybesthive: YEAH

olituary: wow

olituary: that is so cool

olituary: she is so cool

olituary: i FFFUKCING lOVE ghost hunters . their fear is always so yummy

livingmybesthive: so anyway

livingmybesthive: i hope she comes back they are so funny when in the same room

olituary: if melanie has no fans i am dead

livingmybesthive: if the archivist has no fans i am dead

livingmybesthive: well me and martin are dead

livingmybesthive: that boy has got it bad

abbachnid: i know omg

livingmybesthive: u don’t even know tho

livingmybesthive: no bc the other day i saw the hot one and that sasha girl spraying some of my worms (rip ☹️☹️☹️) and this man did not even care he was just like staring wistfully off into the distance (at the wall) tracing his finger around the rim of his tea mug

livingmybesthive: it had stopped steaming a LONG time ago

livingmybesthive: and tHEN LATER HE WAs RECORDING POETRY AND

livingmybesthive: wait annabelle do u have a tape of it

livingmybesthive: itd be easier than explaining + also it was hilarious

abbachnid: YES GIRL I GOTCHU

abbachnid sent a file: oh_my_god_i_couldnt_not_save_this_tape_hghfkhfjkghfjls.mp3

[17 APRIL 4:37 PM]

olituary: hhhhhohh my god..

J: Lol

unicychael: that’s too much homoerotic tension tone it down 😭

olituary: but are we going to talk about the other guy’s audible bisexual finger guns

olituary: u can literally feel them

olituary: in ur bones

livingmybesthive: he has a name oli his name is tim 🥰

olituary: TIM LASTNAME THE MAN THAT YOU ARE

livingmybesthive: 😭😭😭😭😭😭

livingmybesthive: :3 :3 :3 :3 ^_^

livingmybesthive: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

unicychael: jain what emotion are you trying to convey

livingmybesthive: The.

unicychael: HGHHGJ SCARY 😭

olituary: whys tim kinda..

abbachnid: 😭

abbachnid: nope

abbachnid: bye

abbachnid: im out

unicychael: aaaand there she goes

unicychael: @aeropelen you been seeing this???

aeropelen: ·_·

aeropelen: i’m taking a nap do not disturb pls

unicychael: ;-;

unicychael: so are u making me handle dinner then?????

olituary: i volunteer

olituary: i feel like im going insane

unicychael: oh fabulous that makes my job much easier

olituary: that was a JOKE

unicychael: oh :(

unicychael: maybe i can keep terorirsing the mackenzies

aeropelen: mmmmmm. mackenzie

aeropelen: every single time i visit they just get more worn down lmao

unicychael: so you ARE awake

aeropelen: yea cos im HUNGRY

unicychael: fine

unicychael: ugh

unicychael: i’ll go light the gas

[18 APRIL 2:36 AM]

olituary: honh on

olituary: w..

olituary: gas...lighting...

unicychael: HAH

unicychael: GET GOT

Chapter Text

[25 APRIL 11:06 AM]

livingmybesthive: this is acc so interesting tho

olituary: what is

livingmybesthive: listening to the archivist read statements

livingmybesthive: still dont know why hes so dramatic about it 💀

livingmybesthive: well i do

livingmybesthive: but the content is the interesting bit

livingmybesthive: the eye pmo but its influence makes for damn good storytelling

olituary: which one is he reading rn

livingmybesthive: one of urs actually

olituary: ooooo do share

livingmybesthive: its about some guy who met the grim reaper and played a game in order to not die and cheated to win and when he won they swapped places and he was like bruh and the grim reaper was like lets fuckin go

olituary: ok

olituary: based of terminus actually

livingmybesthive: 🔥🔥🔥🔥

[1 MAY 13:58 PM]

livingmybesthive: JARED THIS ONES REALLY GOOD!!!!!!!! @J @J @J

J: What is it

livingmybesthive: ABBATOIR

J: Abattoir

livingmybesthive: EEEEEEEEEEEEEE

J: Cool

livingmybesthive: ISNT IT  >▽<   >▽<   >▽<

livingmybesthive: beside the part of my identity that’s “supernatural creature”, as a person i really like the way these are written???? oh god let it never be said i am a fan of the eye but it is perhaps my favourite author

[6 MAY 1:16 PM]

livingmybesthive: @jonah literally what am i waiting for its been like two months :(

JimmyMagma: Your... horde is not numerous enough yet.

JimmyMagma: I estimate it will take until August or so.

livingmybesthive: fine. ugh. but i require that you install a working bathroom in these dingy barren tunnels

livingmybesthive: PLEase

livingmybesthive: i cant be expected to live like a human

abbachnid: this is misogyny you know fear avatars still get periods

livingmybesthive: EXACTLY

Peter L.: L.o.l. he looks so uncomfortable

Jonah Magnus muted Peter Lukas

livingmybesthive: 🎶this is sexist bullshiiiiitttt🎶

Annabelle Cane unmuted Peter Lukas

abbachnid: cannot believe i had to do that

Peter L.: But you did because you support women

abbachnid: thank you peter. i do

[11 MAY 8:50 AM]

livingmybesthive: Guys.

abbachnid: holy shit are you ok

livingmybesthive: yea why

abbachnid: you used spag

abbachnid: whats up

livingmybesthive: the archivist

livingmybesthive: he found MY statemetn

abbachnid: oh wow

abbachnid: whats that like

livingmybesthive: its weird

livingmybesthive: it’s my voice but it’s not my voice but it’s not NOT my voice

livingmybesthive: it’s my story but filtered through beholding AND the archivist

livingmybesthive: i only vaguely remember giving it ?? it felt bad

livingmybesthive: like it was being pulled out of me

livingmybesthive: it feels like when youve got a hair in ur throat and u pull it out but its longer than you thought and you feel like ur choking and it scrapes you the whole time

olituary: THATS SO ACCURATE HOLY SHIT

livingmybesthive: THX OLIII

[16 MAY 1:30 PM]

abbachnid: hey u know what else i could call myself

Annabelle Cane changed Annabelle Cane’s nickname to abc

abc: yk

abc: annabelle.cane

abc: ab.c ayy bee cee

abc: i mean ayy bee see

livingmybesthive: hehehehe

livingmybesthive: these are so great

livingmybesthive: youre on FIRE

[18 MAY 9:20 AM]

angus: WAIT

angus: I ONLY JUST REGISTERED

angus: @aeropelen OR WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS NOW OMFG GET OVE R HERE

aeropelen: yes honey?

angus: YOURE FROM THE FUTURE.

aeropelen: uh huh?

angus: SO TELL US WHAT HAPPENS IN THE FUKCING FUTRE

aeropelen: hmmm

aeropelen: no

aeropelen: its more fun this way

angus: WHAT

aeropelen: i dont wanna cause a paradox 😭

angus: but maybe itd kick off a spiral ritual????

aeropelen: aheh

aeropelen: about that

aeropelen: nah

angus: nah???????????/

aeropelen: nah

angus: what year are you from?????????????

aeropelen: .............

aeropelen: time isnt real agnes

angus: fine

angus: do your cop out shit whatever

angus: :(((((

angus: but i wanna know.......

angus: NOT IN A BEHOLDING WAY

aeropelen: sure.........

aeropelen sent a file: creeeeak.mp3

angus: what.

angus: was that

angus: did yiou just send me an audio file of you leaving

aeropelen: u know i did babe

aeropelen: ur so jealous

angus: god i AM i wish i could do that

angus sent a file: cracklecrackle.mp3

angus: see its not the same

aeropelen: what is that supposed to be

angus: SEE

aeropelen: hehe. loser

aeropelen: actually hwat is it tho

angus: its a fireplace burning

angus: (i prefer candles but they are virtually silent to the uncultured ear.)

aeropelen: oh

aeropelen: haha loser

angus: stfu

angus: it doesnt matter this conversation is inane so anyway PLEEEEEEASEEEEEEEEEE

angus: @olituary @olituary please back me up here i know you wanna know too

olituary: oh hi whats happening

olituary: OMG YEAH

olituary: HELEN !!!!!!!!!!!!

aeropelen: wow oliver i thought we were friends

olituary: we ARE

aeropelen: and i thought you hated spoilers

olituary: i DO

olituary: but im also so curious and i need something to look forward to before the end eats me alive haha

aeropelen: i am not telling

angus: you thought wed let you get away that easy...

aeropelen: i will not tell you

angus: why NOTtt

aeropelen: because i quite like hte world as it is rn!!!!!!!! and if i say something one of you all will probably mess it up and ill like explode or something

angus: you WHAT

olituary: did a spiral ritual succeed????

aeropelen: im not SAYING

angus: fine.

olituary: be like that.

angus: but holy shit tho

[19 MAY 9:30 PM]

nikorsina: Should I start a drama club? :o)

nikorsina: I’ll take that as a yes!

nikorsina: I’m starting a drama club, everyone! Since Michael so rudely rejected my working title for our fun little family, I’ll make it the title of my club instead.

bald_and_winning: what “fun little family” iam not fun or little andyou are certainy not family

nikorsina: Gosh! I’m so excited for the Nikola’s Circus Club.

olituary: no

nikorsina: Why not? :o(

olituary: not everyone is into that nikola

nikorsina: Why do you have to be such a party pooper?

livingmybesthive: yeah oliver dont rain on her parade

oltuary: stfu jane.

nikorsina: Oh, thank you, dear. Can I take this to mean you’ll be joining?

livingmybesthive: well i mean

nikorsina: Wonderful!

nikorsina: This is going splendidly.

nikorsina: Simply delightfully.

nikorsina: Truly, you are all so lovely. Won’t you come and be a member of my new little troupe?

bald_and_winning: isnthtis like the 3rd time youhave tried thi.

nikorsina: Third time’s the charm!

nikorsina: Who’s counting, anyway?

nikorsina: Anyway.

nikorsina: Jane, how do I make a new group chat?

livingmybesthive: uhhh

livingmybesthive: honey im so sorry but the stranger is not really my thing either

livingmybesthive: we’re friends bc YOURE cool not your skin

livingmybesthive: NOT OFEFENSIVELY!!!! SORRY

nikorsina: That sort of hurt my feelings :o( I work very hard on my skin.

livingmybesthive: NO YOU HAVE VERY NICE SKIN

livingmybesthive: i just.......... i dont........... have (much) skin yk. so. not my cuppa

nikorsina: Aw, okay :’o)

nikorsina: OMG. I just made the best typo.

nikorsina: :0)

nikorsina: :o)

nikorsina: Look

nikorsina: :o) :0) :o) :0) :o) :0) :o) :0)

bald_and_winning: omg itsbeing squished honk honk

nikorsina: HONK!!!!!!!!!!

nikorsina sent a file: honk.mp3

bald_and_winning: honkhonk

[20 MAY 12:00 AM]

J: HAPPY FLESH FRIADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

abc: what

J: Who the flesh are you

abc: what

J: If you don’t say who you are I’ll ask Annabelle to kick you out

abc: jared sweetie

J: Oh

J: Hi Annabelle

J: Anyway

J: ITS FLESH FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

livingmybesthive: HAPPY FLESH FRIDAY

[1 JUNE 7:18 PM]

livingmybesthive: whew guys!!!!!! tis been a hot minute how are we fam~

JimmyMagma: And there it is.

livingmybesthive: what?

livingmybesthive: aww did my text give poor little miwster magnuws an ouchie

JimmyMagma: Jane, let’s skip the pleasantries. What do you want?

livingmybesthive: bold of you to assume i want to talk to YOU tbh

JimmyMagma: If there’s nothing you need, I’m going to go back to sleep.

livingmybesthive: you sound nervous

livingmybesthive: something on your mind?

JimmyMagma: Jane, what is this about?

livingmybesthive: wait wait confrontation cancelled

livingmybesthive: were you NAPPING just now

livingmybesthive: at the supremely ripe hour of seven p.m.

JimmyMagma: No.

livingmybesthive: so you mean to tell me you go to bed before seven

JimmyMagma: No

JimmyMagma: This is very rude. I am your host.

livingmybesthive: haha no IM a host

livingmybesthive: to like a bazillion tiny squirming guests

livingmybesthive: (im so funny)

abc: hahahaaa

livingmybesthive: thank u annabelle i’m 4ever in ur debt

abc: we knew this already <3

livingmybesthive: anyway jonah yeah you got me

livingmybesthive: i do want to know something

livingmybesthive: i have a question that ONNNLY you can answer so go ahead bask in the superiority

JimmyMagma: What is it?

livingmybesthive: why did you order all these boxes

livingmybesthive: my worms literally cant touch the ground

livingmybesthive: they are piled wall to wall

livingmybesthive: (the boxes i mean)

livingmybesthive: we are in a hell maze

JimmyMagma: Are they all featureless?

livingmybesthive: ?no theyre all labelled fire service

livingmybesthive: wait

livingmybesthive: are these what i think they are

livingmybesthive: did you order 1,000 fire extinguishers

JimmyMagma: Yes

livingmybesthive: wHY??

JimmyMagma: I don’t really know, to be honest. The Archivist has been pestering me for weeks to get them. He insisted that it be one thousand, too, to spread throughout the Institute, and “especially the Archives”.

JimmyMagma: I almost ordered a pack of 1013 and he threw a fit. I think he might have OCD.

livingmybesthive: wtf 😭😭😭😭😭

JimmyMagma: I know.

livingmybesthive: no dude i’m saying who tf sells a pack of 1013 fire extinguishers

livingmybesthive sent a file: Photo_20160601_083957.jpg

livingmybesthive: @nikorsina idk if ur in london rn but have u seen this this is HILARIOUS

JimmyMagma: I hope this provides you with an acceptable level of entertainment.

JimmyMagma: Now, if you’re quite finished, I am going back to bed.

JimmyMagma: Be seeing you.

livingmybesthive: ok grandpa

[2 JUNE 9:21 AM]

nikorsina: Oh, that is funny.^💭🥰

[10 JUNE]

unicychael: hEHHEHEheheeee...........

aeropelen: are you up to some shenanigans michael.

unicychael: i am up to some shenanigans...

aeropelen: oh?

unicychael: i am about to monch on a delicious real estate lady.. shes so confused

unicychael: what are u typing helen 😐

aeropelen: no comment : D

unicychael: so judgy!!!!!!!!

[13 JUNE]

unicychael: DANMMIT SHE GOT AWAY

aeropelen: it takes u 3 days to secure ur victims? 😭

aeropelen: rookie bruh

unicychael: stfu

[15 JUNE]

Peter L.: Hey guys. Hate to talk in here of my own volition but I gotta question

Peter L.: What does extra mean????

olituary: is bro so lonely he dont know slang

Peter L.: S.t.f.u.

Peter L.: See I know that one

olituary: no

olituary: extra means like

olituary: over the top

Peter L.: Oh

Peter L.: Not sure how I feel about that then

olituary: why did someone call u extra

olituary: HAHA i bet someone did

olituary: spill

Peter L.: What?

olituary: wdym what

olituary: like

olituary: spill

Peter L.: Are you commanding me to spill something???

Peter L.: Or possibly to take a spill (as in, onto the floor)????

Peter L.: What am I supposed to be spilling here

olituary: never mind

olituary: massive sigh

olituary: (my plukas impression)

Peter L.: Shut up...

olituary: just telllllll

olituary: what happeneddd

Peter L.: Ok I was at a supermarket and I walked up to the self-checkout and some 12-year-old grade schooler was staring at me and I asked “What are you doing???” and he said something like “Why you gotta be so extra??”

Peter L.: What does this even mean????

olituary: thats it

olituary: youre too old for this

olituary: @abc what should we do

abc: let me think about it.