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Home Wasn’t Where I Came From.

Summary:

Buck never felt wanted as a child he always felt like his parents didn’t want him and that he did something wrong and he was right he had failed to save his brother Daniel he had failed his only purpose in life, so why keep living?

or buck feels like he has failed at everything in live so why continue trying

Notes:

heyy thank you for reading this fanfic this is based off some of my personal experiences and some are based off what ive just seen in life
TW mention of self- harm and eating disorders if that bothers you PLEASE go to another fanfic i wouldnt want you guys to suffer love you all and in joyyyyyy

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: Scars He Doesn't Show

Chapter Text

Alarm goes off, Buck wakes up feeling the weight of all his failures on his back. He gets up and looks at the time,

4:30 am.

“Ugh, I really don’t want to go to work,” Buck says as he walks to his bathroom to take a shower. Trying to avoid looking in the mirror, he gets undressed and hops in the shower.

After his shower, he brushes his teeth, heads back up to his room, and gets dressed for work. Despite it being a really hot day, he puts a long sleeve shirt on to hide his arms. He was kind of scared Bobby would mention it, but he would cross that bridge when it came, if it came.

Buck didn’t believe anyone cared for him. He was convinced everyone hated him, even Eddie. He didn’t get what Eddie saw in him and why he wanted to be his friend. He hated that Eddie was getting so close to him because he was scared he would end up getting hurt because of him.

Buck skips breakfast as normal. He always wanted to keep a certain shape and weight he couldn’t be too heavy, so he skipped a few meals. No harm, right? He gets in his Jeep and drives to work.

Time: 6:50

Buck’s shift started at 8, but he always wanted to be early. He could not be late, he was never late, not since he’s become Buck 2.0.

To his surprise, when he got there, Bobby was there. He had gotten there early to do some paperwork he had to finish before shift.

“Hey Buck, what are you doing here so early?” says Bobby when he sees Buck arrive. Buck thinks to himself, "Shit, shit, shit. Now he can't make the excuse he ate before they arrive." He’ll just have to figure something else out. “Hey Bobby, I just woke up too early, so I decided to come in,” says Buck as he puts his stuff in his locker.

*****************************************************************************************************

Alarm goes off: 5:30 am

Eddie rolls out of bed pretty happy this morning. He goes to wake up Chris so he can get ready for school. He makes breakfast for him and Chris and sends Chris off to the bus at 6:50.

7 am: Eddie hops in the shower and gets dressed for work. Since it was going to be a hot day, he made sure to put on a T-shirt. After finishing getting ready, he hops in the car and drives to work.

Time: 7:50 Eddie arrives at work to see the team all at the table except Buck. Buck was in the gym boxing hard, like he wished to destroy the punching bag. Eddie headed to the locker room to put his stuff away and went to say hi to Buck.

“Hey Buck, what's got you all riled up this early in the morning?” says Eddie as he walks in the gym.

“Nothing, I just need the work out. Can’t keep this figure by being lazy, can I?” he says to Eddie.

“Okay, but Buck, you look a little pale. Aren’t you hot in that shirt? I mean, it's going to be 103 degrees today."”

“I’ll be fine, Eddie. I think Bobby made pancakes. You can go see. I’ll meet you guys up there in 20.”

Eddie nods and heads up to the kitchen where Bobby had made breakfast: some pancakes, bacon, and eggs, the works.

“Hey Eddie! Sleep good?” says Bobby as Eddie walks up the stairs. “Yeah, I slept fine. Um, has anyone noticed how pale Buck is?” The rest of the team said no, that they couldn’t tell because of the lack of skin that Buck showed. Eddie brushed it off and continued to load his plate to eat.

After everyone was done eating, Buck came up. Bobby asked if he was hungry. He said he had a big breakfast before arriving.

Time: 12 pm

Right after a hard call, Bobby called dispatch and got them offline for 1 hour so they could eat. Bobby ordered Buck’s favorite pizza. When it arrived, Bobby called everyone to the table and told them to dig in.

Buck got sick to his stomach. He started thinking about the calories, about how much he would have to run afterwards. That’s when he made the decision: he would just throw it up. It's not that big of a deal. They don’t get worried about him, and he doesn’t have to run to burn off the weight.

“Are you going to eat?” asked Bobby. “Yeah, yeah, sorry.” Buck picks up a slice, not wanting to eat, but does anyways. After eating two slices, Buck excuses himself to the bathroom. When he comes back, Bobby looks at him and says, “Hey, are you okay, Buck? You haven’t eaten much. You love pizza, You usually eat like 10 slices,” as Bobby said, “Eat ten slices.” Buck could’ve sworn his stomach dropped.

“I’m just not very hungry, Bobby, sorry.” “It’s okay, Buck, there’s still some left if you’re hungry later!” Bobby said kinda worriedly.

Alarm goes off, structural fire, 4th alarm.

On the scene.

Bobby instructs Chim and Hen to go to triage, and Buck and Eddie to help with search and rescue.

Buck wasn’t sure he had it in him to run around, but he had to. That was the job, and he couldn’t fail—not this, not the job. It was the only thing he was good at.

Eddie told him they should bring the saw just in case they needed it. When Buck picked it up, he could swear it was 1000 pounds. He asked Eddie if he could carry it instead. He made the excuse that his shoulder was bugging him. Eddie didn’t question it and took the saw. They geared up and headed inside.

The building was 25 stories tall, and they couldn’t use the elevators, so up the stairs they went. Around floor ten, Buck stumbled and fell down a flight of stairs. Eddie saw and ran to help him.

"Buck, what happened? Are you okay?"”

“I’m fine, let’s continue.” Buck jumps back to his feet still feeling dizzy, and they kept climbing, despite Eddie, who kept asking him if he was okay.

” Okay, I don’t want to pressure you, Buck, but are you sure you’re okay?”

“For the love of God, Eddie, yes! For fucksakes, yes! I’m fucking fine!” Buck didn’t mean to come off that rude. He was just so dizzy and tired. They finally found this girl. They helped her out and started to climb down the stairs when she coded. Even with all their efforts, they couldn’t save her.

Buck left defeated. He kept repeating to himself, “I should’ve been able to save her, dammit! It’s my fucking job.”

Right as they were packing up to leave, Chimney comes up to Buck, “Hey Buck, Eddie told me you had a tumble down the stairs. Are you okay? Do you want me to check you out?” “I swear to fuck, Chimney,” Buck started yelling, “if one more goddamn person asks me if I’m okay, I’m going to lose it. I’m going to lose my fucking mind.” Chimney looked shocked. “Just… just leave me alone, Chim.”

Chapter 2: Too Empty to Save

Summary:

After the fight with chim buck realized he needed to be more careful if he didn’t want people to start becoming worried about him but why would they right they don’t care

Eddie starts to realize he's in love with buck but some complication come with that.

Notes:

omg i cant believe people actually read my fic thank you so much.
Also i added something new if you see the text kinda tilted its because its bucks brain talking to him and it switches from bucks pov to eddies once or twice there will be stars to tell you when
Again TW self-harm goes in detail kinda suicide thoughts and eating disorder and homophobia read at your own digression
and if you cant read it its okay take care of YOU and if you can im glad your here if you havent leave a kudos it rly helps my motivation lol thanks again and fun readingggg

Chapter Text

They get back to the station, buck goes to see bobby.

“Hey bobby, could I have the rest of shift off I'm not feeling great”

Wow your lazy you’re going to gain weight if you don’t work and bobby is going to think you don't like your job you don’t want to fail at your job, do you?

Oh, um yeah sure buck, I just don’t have anyone to cover you can you stay until I do?”

See bobby hates you now, he already didn’t like you you’re just making him hate you more he’s probably going to fire you

“You know what bobby I’m actually feeling better its fine I’m going to go join the other” buck said leaving his office “buck that’s not what I sai-“ door closing cut off bobby

Buck heads to the kitchen and starts washing dishes without rolling up his sleeves water soaking his sleeves Eddie see and comes over to pull them up for him as he starts to pull them up buck freaks out “HEY don’t il just change afterwards” Eddie looking freaked he went to sit on the couch with hen and Chim.

Buck finishes the dishes and heads to the locker room to get a long sleeve shirt and headed to the bathroom to change. in the bathroom it’s just a small cube so there was no where he couldn’t see himself in the mirror when he took off his shirt the cuts on the upper part of his left arm made him sick.

Look at what you did to yourself they are all healed now you need new ones or else the pain doesn’t count, oh and look at that fat on your stomach gross Evan you need to stop eating as much. Also, you’re an ass everyone probably hates you. You were so mean to them all day you don’t deserve them you don’t deserve anything you need to di-

Buck’s thoughts get interrupted by a knock on the door it was hen this time she was wondering if he was almost done, he said yes, he put on his shirt and got out.

Time: 11:30 pm

The they had one call since the incident with Eddie it was a car crash drunk driver vs pole they had gotten back to the station around 11:30 everyone except buck decide to go and sleep, Buck couldn’t sleep not after he lost that girl in the building fire she should’ve lived and it was probably Bucks fault she didn’t, if he hadn’t been so distracted by his hunger maybe he could’ve saved her.

She was a mother of two kids you killed a mother of TWO kids they are going to grow up alone and feeling abandoned by there mother when it was you all along, they will hate their mother because of you let that sink in Evan.

Buck hadn’t realized he had fallen asleep on the couch, and he was screaming, it was a nightmare he hadn’t had one in the past two weeks he thought they were finally gone.

“Wake up buck come on it’s me Eddie, it’s just a nightmare buck wake up”

He wakes up to Eddie shaking him “what’s wrong Eddie? Did I fall asleep shoot sorry”

“No, no don’t apologize you just had a nightmare your okay”

Buck looks around to see Chim hen and bobby standing in the distance and when he looked at the clock 3:45 am “oh I’m sorry guys I didn’t mean to wake y’all go back to sleep I’m good”

Eddie does a motion to the other basically saying it’s okay that he will handle it

“You too Eddie you should get some sleep too il be fine”

“I’m okay here I couldn’t sleep anyways” that was a lie Eddie was asleep when he heard buck screaming.

**Eddie’s pov**

He was the first one up here because he had dealt with his nightmares before after he got crushed by the firetruck, he had them for weeks he stayed with Eddie, and he helped him through it at least he thought he did.

Eddie sat next to buck on the couch and buck fell asleep again on eddies shoulder which then he put bucks head on his lap so he would be more comfortable. Eddie brushed through buck’s curls and thought about how cute he was asleep.

Surprisingly there was no calls the rest of shift, so the team woke up around 6 am and bobby made them breakfast.

“Good morning team I made us breakfast to celebrate not having one call last night.”

“Good morning cap” says Chim and hen

“Are Eddie and buck cuddling?” asked Chim

Hen nudges him “ow” says Chim walking to the table to grab a plate.

Eddie wakes up to hen and Chim arguing over if him and buck are dating thank god buck hasn’t woken up yet “guys shut up” says Eddie loud enough for them to hear it but hopefully not wake up buck. Buck was all cuddled into eddies lap and Eddie began to blush he couldn’t understand why he was feeling like this, but he was, and he hated himself for it he knew his parents would disown him for being gay but if that’s what he was couldn’t they love him for who he was?

Flash back to 2003

Eddie is 11 at the time he can hear his parents arguing over something he comes into the living room.

“Helena gays are gross do you want our son to be influenced by it”

“of course not, but Ramon he’s my brother I can’t just cut him off”

“Well, you’ll have to unless you want our son to be a homo too!” Ramon yelled

As Eddie walked in the room, they conversation stopped

“Eddie come here bud” says Ramon “if you ever come out as liking other boys, we will disown you got that homos are not welcome in this house got it?” little Eddie shook his head yes and went to his room.

Back to the present.

Bucks head is still on eddies lap, so Eddie doesn’t want to move, but the B shift is starting to arrive so he must wake up buck, so he starts passing his fingers through buck’s curls and it wakes him up.

“Good morning sleepy head”

“What time is it” buck groans

“Its 7:30 am”

Buck sits up like a shot out of hell

“Oh, I’m so sorry Eddie you should’ve been gone to see Christopher by now I’m sorry”

“Its okay buck, you don’t need to worry Chris spent the night at a friends house, but we should go get ready to head home” buck agrees but before they go.

“Hey Eddie look I’m sorry about yesterday okay I just didn’t sleep well the night before and I was in a horrible mood”

“Hey, no need to apologize I get it all forgiven” they both head to the locker room where Chim and hen are.

**buck’s pov**

“Hey chimney look I wanted to apologize for the way I acted yesterday I just didn’t sleep well and-“

“Its okay buck I forgive you, but are you feeling okay since the tumble?”

“Yeah, I’m feeling okay”

That’s it buck they wont care that you have a concussion nobody would. You deserve to die in the most painful way.

“Well anyways I’m going to head home see you guys next shift!”

“Wait!” says hen “aren’t you coming for bobby’s birthday at their house tomorrow?”

Buck had completely forgotten about that he hadn’t even gotten bobby a gift which wasn’t like buck.

“Oh yeah sorry slipped my mind what time does it start?”

“It starts at 2 pm” says Chim

“Okay il be there see you guys tomorrow!”

They say goodbye and buck gets in his jeep and drives to his loft where the silence was waiting for him.

When he gets home the silence gets to him faster then normal usually, he can keep it away for like one hour this time was different.

So, you killed a girl wasted one hour of your best friend’s time yelled at bobby Chim and Eddie and forgot bobby’s birthday wow that’s a lot of failures even for you.

Sitting in his apartment, wondering why he kept failing at everything he did maybe that’s all Buck could do fail over and over again I mean he failed to save his own brother even though that’s what he was brought in the world to do.

Buck started to think about pushing the people he loved away from him. He was saving them for him, from his mistakes so he wouldn’t be a failure he would leave them before they left him for his failures.

Buck headed to the bathroom he needed his brain to shut up for a minute. He took off his shirt and started cutting his arm little cuts deep enough to hurt like a bitch but not deep enough that it would scar he was good at those now but the scars from the past one before he knew how to cut the right way they would haunt him forever.

The blood was everywhere on the floor like always, buck cleaned off his razor put it back in his phone case and then proceeded to clean the blood off the floor after he was done with that he cleaned up his cut and wrapped them and went to bed head pounding wondering how he was going to get out of eating Athenas food tomorrow.

Chapter 3: I tried to scream, but my head was under water.

Notes:

heyy welcome to a new chapter of this fan ficc
in this chapter there is a scene with a board game im not going to say more not to spoil it but i got the idea from @thebuckleydiaz118 on tiktok!! go give them a follow!!
also when they are texting if there is a dot before there name just ignore it wont let me get rid of it!

Chapter Text

Time: 2:30 am  

Buck wakes up in a cold sweat, he can tell he’d been crying his bed was wet he just thought it was his sweat until he saw it was red. He started panicking not knowing how much blood he lost.

He made his way to the bathroom took off his shirt and saw the cut he had cut one to deep and it was still bleeding. Lucky for buck he was prepared for this moment. He had a suture kit he ordered of the internet in case he would need it. He went to the kitchen grabbed some ice numbed his arm as much as he could and went for it.

Time: 3:30 am

It took buck one hour to do it cause after ever stitch he’d vomit cause of the pain and you’d think he’d be used to pain. He wrapped up his arm headed to his bed and stripped it and threw his white sheets in the garbage, he put some new sheets on and went back to sleep.

Alarm 10:30 am

Buck gets up goes to the bathroom to change his dressing puts a black hoodie and some sweats and heads to the store to pick up a gift for bobby.

**eddie’s pov**

After saying goodbye to buck he chats with Chim about Jee for little and hops in his truck to go pick up Chris.

Time: 6:30 pm

“Chris come eat!” Eddie screamed as he continued setting up the table. Chris comes out of his room and sits at the table “hey dad isn’t it bobby’s birthday tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I was going to head to the store tomorrow morning to get him his present did you want to come with me to go get it? Il probably leave here around 11am how does that sound?”

“Yeah, that works dad” Chris says with food in his mouth.

“Hey Chris, what do you think about gay people?”

“Dad where is this coming from?”

“I just want you to know being gay is okay even though your grandparents don’t approve I do you know that right?”

“Dad if you’re trying to tell me your gay, I already know” Chris says looking annoyed

Eddie is shocked at that statement

“But... but how?”

“dad I see the way you look at buck I’m not dumb I’ve known for years took you long enough to figure it out.”

Eddie sitting there still shocked that his son figured it out faster then he did, he wondered if anyone else had. Then it clicked the argument between Chim and hen they probably know. He would make a group to talk in after supper.

Time: 7:15

Eddie makes a group chat called was it obvious?

 

Eddie added Ravi, chimney and hen to the group

 

Eddie: guys I need you to be honest with me for a moment, was it that obvious that I’m gay cause Chris says it was.

Hen: oh boy I’m sorry to say Eddie but it was soooo obvious

Chim: it was so obvious Eddie does this realization mean your getting with buck

Ravi: I’ve been on vacation the last few days but please tell me it hasn’t gotten worse oh and yes Eddie it’s rly obvious

Eddie: well, if you guys know might as well confirm it, but hen I’m only saying it once so if Karen wants to be a witness add her now.

                                                                                     Hen has added Karen to the group.

Eddie: hey Karen

Karen: hey Eddie, hen told me what was going on and yes it was obvious, and I barely see you.

Eddie: okay now that everyone here, I’m gay and in love with buck.

Ravi: ha-ha I knew it hen Chim pay up

Eddie: why doesn’t it surprise me that you guys have a bet on it

Hen: it was a bet on how much time it would take you I had you for a year Chim had you for 3 months which I told him was dumb

Hen: Ravi bet you would figure it out in 9 months and it’s been nine months since we made the bet, so he won

Hen: oh, Athena was also in on it she had 10 months and 4 days, and Karen guessed 7 months

Eddie: wow so you guys made this bet in November last year?

Chim: yup I was thinking maybe you would realize around valentine day, because you know the time of love and all.

Hen: which I told you was dumb

Eddie: also let me guess you guys had a group chat to gossip about this  

Hen: yup

Karen: yeah

Ravi: mhm

Chim: we would also talk about how we think buck is in love with you and how stupid you guys are for not noticing

Hen: oh, I forgot to mention bobby and Maddie were also in it they just didn’t want to bet

Eddie: did you want to add me to that group of did you want to add them to this one

Ravi: this one because we use the other group chat for other things too

                                                                                      Ravi added Bobby and Maddie to the group

Bobby: what’s this group? And why isn’t Athena or buck in it

                                                                                             Hen added Athena to the group

Eddie: okay so now that everyone is here this group is for you guys to help me find a way to ask out buck.

Bobby: oh, so your gay

Eddie: hope that’s not a problem cap.

Bobby: never

Athena: dammit Ravi won

Maddie: Yay finally I need you and my brother to get together bad

Eddie: okay so I was planning to ask him tomorrow while at your party bobby, so he doesn’t feel pressured

Bobby: yeah, that works

They talk out the plan until they realise its late, they all say goodnight and go to sleep

Alarm 9am

Eddie gets out of bed and starts to make breakfast for Chris, he hops in the shower and gets dressed

Time: 10 am

Chris goes for a shower and gets ready for the day

Time: 10:45 AM

Eddie gets Chris into the car, and they leave for the hardware store to see if anything there they could get for bobby’s birthday 

“Dad! Can we play Taylor swift?”

“Sure, bud what song?”     

“YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN!!”

Eddie connects his phone to the Bluetooth and play “You Need To Calm Down” by Taylor Swift. Him and Chris are jamming out to the song, even thought Eddie swears he hates Taylor Swift. They arrive at the store, Eddie helps Chris out of the car, and they head inside to find a gift.

Time: 11:30

They head to the power tool station, because Eddie remembers bobby said his drill stopped working and needed a new one and he had made sure nobody else was buying it, Except buck.  

As they pull into the aisle they see buck.

“Buck!” Chris screams

**buck’s pov**

Buck thinks “god why am I so dizzy I don’t think I’ve drank water”

“Buck!!” Chris screams

“Hey buddy” buck struggles to stand “w-what are you guys doing here?” buck leans on the shelf to not look off balance     

**Eddie’s pov**

He notices buck looks dizzy like he can’t stand

“Me and dad are here to get bobby a gift!”

“Last minute shopping huh?” says buck trying to catch his balance

“Yeah you?”

“Yeah, I don’t know what bobby would like I was thinking alcohol but like not he’s you know so I don’t know what to get him anymore” buck says looking like he’s about to pass out

“Hey buck. you, okay? you look like you about to faint?”

“Yeah, I think I just haven’t drunk enough” buck collapses

“Buck? Hey, wake up buddy” Eddie checks his pulse it was there, but it was going super fast. He calls 9-1-1

“9-1-1 what’s your emergency?” says Maddie

“Maddie is that you? Its Eddie” he says panicking

“Hey Eddie, what’s wrong?” Maddie said nervously

“It’s your brother he fainted, and his pulse is there but its fast way to fast and he’s pale I don’t think he’s drank water in a while from the look of it”

Chris is crying while a worker holds him back so Eddie can work.

“Ambulance is on the way, how is he?”

“he’s waking up” Eddie said happy

“Hey buck, how are we doing?”

“wha-what happened?” says buck sounding confused

“You passed out did you drink any water today even. yesterday?”

“I-I… I don’t think so I’m sorry” buck starts to sob out of the blew

“Hey, hey its okay buck doesn’t worry about it the paramedics are just going to give you some fluids”

The paramedics arrive when they try to roll up bucks left sleeve he freaks out.

“NO, no I’m sorry my right arm please it has better veins.”

Paramedics agree and put the iv in buck’s right arm. Eddie tells him he will meet him at the hospital.

They buy bobby’s present head to the car and go to the hospital when they got there, buck was signing forms to get out against there advice. He said he’d drink a lot of water and go see his doctor. Eddie tries to argue with him, but he wouldn’t listen.

“Either you drive me back to the store to get my jeep and il meet you at bobby’s or il walk back and meet you at bobby’s your choice”

Eddie sighs and drives buck back to the store telling buck he doesn’t need to buy anything cause Eddie already did for him. They agree buck takes the gift and heads to his car leaving to go to bobby’s.

Time: 1:00 PM

Eddie starts driving to bobby’s because it takes a good 45 minutes to get there from the store.

When he got there, chaos had struck bobby brought out the BOARD GAMES…….

As Eddie entered the house, he saw buck pull up, so he told Chris to go join harry because he needed to talk to buck. Eddie decided not to ask buck out, not yet, not until he was okay.

Maddie and Chim arrived at the same time as buck, apparently Eddie’s call was her last call of her shift because she had taken a half shift so she could come to bobby’s birthday. Maddie was surprised to see buck there as she thought he was in the ER for dehydration.

“Hey, buck how are you feeling?”

“Hey Maddie, how do you know what happened?”

“I was the one who took Eddie’s call”

“Oh, right I forgot he called 9-1-1” buck looks back glaring at Eddie

Eddie is confused on why buck is mad at him.

“Wait why did Eddie call 9-1-1 for buck?”

“He had passed out from not drinking enough water” Eddie glared back.

Chim caught on that there was something going on and he dragged Maddie inside to let them talk.

“what’s going on with you buck, you don’t seem to be eating or drinking water your forgetting important things talk to me buck I’m here to listen.”

“i..” buck thought about it, telling Eddie would take off so much pressure off buck’s shoulders but would put a burden on Eddie he didn’t want that, so he lied “I’ve just been feeling I don’t know, I guess I just forgot to drink water it’s not that big of a deal.”

Eddie wanted to scream, shout or shake him do something he wants to help but if he doesn’t want to speak up there’s nothing, he can really do about it.

“Okay, well bobby brought out uno are you feeling up to getting your ass beat?”

“Oh, your funny, hope your ready to get beat cause its not going to be me.”

Eddie and Buck were very competitive at uno so much bobby had banned it from the fire house, but Athena was convinced bobby was bluffing, she very much regretted that decision.

“YOU FUCKING CHEATED BUCKLEY”

“nuh-uh you just suck Diaz”

They played a couple rounds of uno until Athena took it away because it was getting... out of hand

“EDMUNDO FUCKING DIAZ I SWEAR TO FUCK IF YOU MAKE ME PICK UP ONE MORE GODDAMN CARD”

“HEY, Athena, I was going to win”

“Buck its enough you guys are yelling the neighbors are going to complain!”

“oh I’m sorry Athena me and Diaz over there are a little too competitive ask bobby, actually im surprised he let you take it out if he knew we were coming”

“He tried to warn me I didn’t listen, anyways food is ready come eat”

**buck’s pov**

His stomach drops, he can’t ate he’s already eaten a slice of toast before leaving the house today (that was a lie)

In his mind “shit what am I going to tell Athena, she not going to allow me not to eat and they will be able to tell if I throw up, I guess I just have to be careful when I do.”

Chapter 4: you need to calm down, your being to loud.

Summary:

a building collsapse trapping buck and eddie will they make it out?

Notes:

TW eating disorder and suicide
i think this is my favourite chapter yet two more to go i think either two or three we will see!

Chapter Text

They are all sat down to eat, everyone is laughing except buck. He is in his thoughts because how does he sneak away to make himself throw up at someone else’s birthday, like way to make things about him. He was just staring in the space until bobby snap him out of it.

“Buck? Are you going to eat?” bobby said concerned, everyone turned to look at them.

Buck chocked on his spit.

“I um (coughs) yeah sorry I was just distracted” buck said reaching for the salad.

Eddie didn’t buy it, he had a feeling something was up with buck, and he was going to figure it out. Buck ate some salad and some chicken and laughed with the others and excused himself to the bathroom, Eddie followed not far behind. Everyone thought that Eddie was going to ask buck out then.

“Let me go dammit” buck said raising his voice.

Everyone turned to look at them.

A few minutes prier…

“what’s wrong with you Evan talk to me.”

“Nothing Eddie I just need to pee can’t I do that anymore?”

“It’s not that I’ve just notice the last couple times we eat you go to the bathroom right after are you sure your okay.”

Buck tried to just go into the bathroom hoping Eddie would take the hint. Eddie grabs his arm.

“Evan talk to.”

“Let go of me dammit.”

Bobby asked what they were up to both say nothing and Eddie just looks at buck as he closes the door. As soon as he does Eddie can hear buck throwing up.

**bucks pov**

As soon as he closes the door, he stuck his fingers down his throat and throws up over and over again until he felt dizzy. He washed his hands and exits the bathroom hoping Eddie had left after he closed the door. He was gone back at the table eating with the others.

**eddies pov**

After he heard buck threw up, he knew he had to do something about it, his best friend was starving himself he had to help him without making a scene, he would wait to talk to him next shift when he could get him alone.

Buck and Eddie didn’t talk the rest of the night everyone could tell something was going on between them, but nobody dared to ask.

Time: 8:00 pm

Chim: so, I assume it didn’t go well asking buck out on a date

Hen: Chim! I’m sorry for him Eddie he should learn to mind his business

Eddie: no, its okay, I didn’t ask buck out.

Maddie: why not

Eddie: I was going to, but it just didn’t seem like the right moment I will ask him another day I have to go put Chris to bed I will see some of you tomorrow for shift.

They all say okay, and Eddie goes to put Chris to bed and heads to sleep.

Time: 9:00 pm

At bobby and Athena’s

“Hey, did you think Eddie and buck were like mad at each other today, Athena?”

“Yeah, I noticed that, and buck seemed... tired are you sure he’s alright I mean after everything that happened with his parents?”

“I mean he’s been different, but I mean finding out you had a brother that you couldn’t save would do that to you.”

Time: 8:00 am

Buck wakes up panicked and checks his phone he is late to work. He gets up puts his uniform on, brushes his teeth and heads to work.

At the station.

“hey Eddie, have you heard from buck?” bobby asked worried.

“No, I haven’t actually”

“he’s never late I wonder what’s going on.”

Their conversation gets interrupted by buck running in the station and headed to the locker room.

“Il go check on him” Eddie says before heading down.

Eddie enters the locker room.

“Hey, buck what’s up you’re not usually late?”

“I know I slept through my alarm il go apologize to cap in a minute.”

“Wait, before you do I have to talk to you.”

“Can it wait I have to go see bobby.”

“It can’t I’m sorry.”

“Okay what is it” buck sighs.

“I heard you, yesterday in the bathroom at Athena and bobby’s.” eddie paused.

“You’re making yourself throw up, aren’t you?”

Buck looked stunned he didn’t know what to say he wanted to tell Eddie everything, but he didn’t deserve that he had Chris to worry about he didn’t need to worry about him too.

“No, you must’ve heard wrong Eddie I’m fine.”

“you’re not Evan come on let me help you.”

Buck walks out of the locker room

“Evan come on.’

“Just fucked off” buck yelled loudly enough that the hole station heard.

“Just back off Eddie leave me be for fuck’s sake I don’t want you in my life anymore okay just deal with it!” Buck didn’t mean that he hated himself for saying that, but it is what had to be done.

Eddie standing there feeling like he just got shot wondering where he went wrong that Buck hated him, he was just trying to help him.

 “Okay Evan il leave you be sorry” he says before he walks away trying to hold back tears.

“Way to go buck.” Said hen when she walks pass him chasing after Eddie. Buck looks up and sees bobby, Chim and Ravi standing up there looking down at him.

When hen gets outside Eddie is sobbing, it’s not like Eddie to cry but he just loved buck so much he wanted to help him. Hen walks over to him and sits next to him.

“Eddie what’s going on” hen said calmly.

“i-(sniffles) I was just trying to help him hen he’s not okay” Eddie said in between sobs.

Hen didn’t want to push so she just hugged Eddie until he calmed down just as he did, they got a call.

“you’ll ride with me in the ambulance” hen said.

“Hey cap! Eddie’s riding with me today!” hen said.

Chim understood why and hoped into the truck with buck, Ravi and bobby.

The call was a hotel fire, and the top floors were starting to collapse. When they arrived on scene bobby told buck and Ravi to do search and rescue Chim, hen and Eddie were on triage and bobby was IC. After an hour of bring people in and out the top floor was collapsing bobby demanded everyone to evacuate the building, buck didn’t he hadn’t cleared his floor yet and he was almost done. The floor under buck’s feet collapsed and buck falling with it.

“Everyone check in” bobby said into his radio.

“Chim here I’m with Eddie and hen” Chim said into his radio.

“Ravi here I’m heading to triage with a couple of injured people” Ravi said.

A couple more firefighter checked in except one, buck.

“Buck check in” bobby said.

“Firefighter Buckley check in.”

Nothing. Until

“Firefighter Buckley here, I think I fell with the floor...” buck said.

“Are you injured?” bobby asked.

“It’s my um it is my head, and I think my ankle might be broken, I… I cannot walk” buck said voice shaky.

“I’m going in after him cap” Eddie said already in the building.

“Eddie no its too unstable il try to crawl my way out.”

“Evan you could have a severe head injury stay where you are I’m almost to you, you were on the east side right?”

“Eddie, you have Christopher to worry about get out of the building. Eddie gets out now the building is starting to come down on the west side you do not have enough time save yourself.”

“Buck, I’m not leaving you, I have your back always.”

“I need everyone out of the building now it is coming down” bobby said.

Eddie got to buck, just as the roof was coming down on them, Eddie threw himself over buck to protect him.

“Eddie, buck call out” bobby said.

“Firefighter Buckley and Diaz respond dammit” bobby said worriedly.

“Cap its buck, Eddie is injured really bad Il try to get him out but under no circumstance does anyone come in this building is done for” buck said sounding tired.

“Okay buck”

Buck rolls Eddie off him, Eddie was knock out by a piece of the roof and his leg was impaled with a piece of rebar. Two for two, I guess. Buck assesses Eddie realizing Eddie has a blown pupil he realizes he has less time than he thought, he tries to get up forgetting about his ankle and he heard it snap he screams in pain. He makes some kind of splint for it so he can try and force through the pain, that’s when buck realises there’s blood running down his face his head was cracked open, he didn’t have much time either he had to hurry. He secures Eddie’s leg and his neck and ties a cord under eddies armpits and ties it around his waist so he can drag Eddie while he walks. He cries the whole way of under all the debris finally finding a place to sit and check on Eddie when he sees Eddie start to wake up.

“Buck…” Eddie asked.

“Hey, your okay I’m trying to get us out we are almost there you got to hang on for me, okay?”

“Buck your… your ankle you can’t be walking.”

“Do not worry about me just keep fighting for your son, okay? We got to keep going, but it’s going to hurt Eddie if it gets to much just scream my name okay.”

“Buck, if you keep walking on your ankle… you might damage it too much to ever be a firefighter again.”

“I don’t care I’m getting you out of here whether I make it out or not.”

“Oh, buck your head.”

“I’m fine Eddie we don’t have much time left we got to keep moving.”

Buck continues trying to get Eddie out of the building which is collapsing piece by piece. Another piece of the roof comes down and buck gets his leg stuck under it.

“Eddie if you drag yourself just outside that hole they are waiting for you go il catch up.”

“Buck your leg Is stuck you can’t lift that on your own” Eddie said trying to get buck to let him help.

“Eddie, I won’t tell you again go, if we are both dead who will take Chris now go dammit.”

Eddie could not leave buck, but his son buck was right his son needed him Eddie pulled himself all the way to the crawl space and got through where the team was waiting for him to come out of.

“Did Eddie make it out alright?” buck asked into his radio.

“Yes, he did buck it’s your turn now” said bobby waiting for buck to crawl through the hole.

“Tiny problem with that” buck said.

Bobby looked at Eddie confused.

“he’s stuck under a piece of rumble it’s on his good leg” Eddie said.

“We are coming in buck hold on” Ravi said.

Bobby stopped Ravi from going.

“Ravi no its too dangerous I’m almost free just give me a minute.”

Buck had been trying to lift the piece of rumble off his leg himself he almost got it until Ravi shows up and helps him get it off and carries buck through the hole.

“Holy crap buck your skull!” Ravi said panicking.

Buck passes out and he gets rushed to the hospital.

Ravi was going to get yelled at by cap later but for right now bobby was happy that the two lovers made it out alive.

Buck and Eddie got to the hospital luckily buck didn’t need surgery and because of that his secret was not discovered. buck was feeling so guilty for almost killing Eddie but some how Eddie made it threw with no broken bones just a cracked skull and a severed artery in his thigh, but Evan had a broken ankle on his left leg, a broken tibia on his right leg, a cracked skull, some broken ribs and some how managed to carry Eddie through a collapsing building, some would call that dedication or love even but not buck he called it what he owed to Eddie for being such a burden he was determine to fix it.

In eddies room

“Hey Diaz.” Buck said when Eddie opened his eyes after surgery.

“Buck your… okay?”

“Couple broken ribs are nothing how are you feeling?”

“What about your ankle and your leg even your head you were bleeding a lot” Eddie said worried.

“Eddie I’m fine, please forget about it.”

“No Evan, I can see you have two cast, and you are in a wheelchair with a bandage around your head what happened in there I don’t remember much.”

“You have a pretty severe concussion.”

“Evan what happened?”

“You came in to get me even though I told you not too.”

“Yeah, I remember that and jumping on you to protect you and the next thing I remember is you stuck under a piece of concrete and you telling me to get out which I assume I did?”

“yeah so basically I carried you all the way to the exit and well the roof collapse in that area and I managed to push you out of the way that piece of concrete broke my tibia which Ravi had to come in and help me lift it off me and he had to carry me out I didn’t need surgery thank god but I just have a broken tibia a broken ankle a couple broken ribs and a cracked skull.”

“You carried me on a broken ankle with a cracked skull?”

“Eddie you where unconscious there was no time to wait, I was bleeding out and so were you.”

“Wow buck you, you could never be a firefighter again because you walked on your ankle.”

“I know Eddie, but I thought I at least owed you this for being such a horrible friend to you all these years I thought this would be a safer way to end out friendship on a good note. I… I was going to put in for a transfer anyways it be better if we were not friends when I do less pain for the both of us.”

“Buck why don’t you like the 118 anymore? What is going on with you Evan the throwing up the pushing us all away talk to me Evan”?

“I can’t I’m not going to put that burden on you Eddie” buck asks a nurse to bring him back to his room.

Buck made sure no one can visit him except Maddie. When he goes home, he hired Carla to help take care of him while he recovered.

Two months later…

Buck is all healed now, and he has not talked to anyone of the 118 except through text and calls. He was going there to quit today, nobody knew except Maddie who had tried to talk him out of it and tried to get him to consider just transferring like he first said he was going to do but he was clear he was going to quit. When he walked into the station everyone was so happy to see him they asked why he did not call them before hand he told them he was not sure if he’d was going to come.

“Hey where cap?”

“he’s in his office” Ravi said.

“Okay il come say bye before I leave!”

Buck walks over to bobby’s office.

“Hey cap.”

“Oh, hey buck what’s brought you down here ready to come back to work?”

“Yeah, about that… I came to tell you I quit.”

Bobby was shocked he did not know what to say.

“Um may I ask why?”

“I don’t deserve to be a firefighter, I’m too reckless you need someone on your team who will actually listen to you and do what you asked maybe that way you can spend less time in hospitals” buck laughed.

“I do not want to leave bobby, but it is what is best for everyone. It will cause less pain when im gone if we do not work together anymore.”

Bobby did not catch that last part because he was so shocked.

“Anyways I will miss working for you cap the best for the rest of your life.”

Buck walked out of there feeling like he got hit by a truck, but bobby well he felt devastated. Buck said goodbye to everyone, after he left Eddie felt like something was off about buck, he decided to go to his apartment to check on him when the alarm went off, he decided he would go afterwards.

Time: 6:12 pm

Eddie went to see cap.

“Hey cap Ima head out for one hour I have an emergency to take care of il be back though.”

Bobby did not think twice about it.

When Eddie got to buck’s apartment he could see someone sitting on the ledge of the roof. He knew exactly who it was, buck.

Chapter 5: Update

Chapter Text

Hey guys Ik you guys are waiting for the next chapter I had surgery a few days ago and am not feeling the best i Will try to get chapter five out as soon as possible thank you for understanding and I hope you still stick around to read chapter five when it comes out!
(This will be deleted before I post the next chapter)

Notes:

chapter two should come in about two days? i think please be patient w me im trying my best hope you guys liked this chapter there is more to come!!! also if there is bad english grammar im so sorry im french and i dont rly know to correct grammar in english so please spare me just let me know in the comments and il try to fix them!! also im sorry the chapter is so short i swear the others will be longer!!!

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