Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It had seemed to come out of nowhere. One day he was just Ash, their friend who was so upfront with them that they would never have questioned a thing that fell out of his mouth. The next, every single member of their gang had suspicions about him, each individual in their way and becoming secrets of their own amongst the silence. None of their suspicions were enough to cause concern outright, but Ash knew if they all began talking it would create a bigger picture, and one day, his luck ran out.

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"What are you writing down?"

Vinnie glanced up from the piece of paper he was frowning at to answer Dylan's question. "It's a list. What to get. If I trust any one of these imbeciles to go to the shop without one, they'll come back with one of those giant inflatable bananas from Supermarket Sweep. Now, how do you spell skewers?"

It was a glorious day outside while they had all retreated into the shade of The Crow's Nest, awaiting Dylan finishing his shift shortly so they could hold their impromptu barbecue. As welcome as the weather was in a rainy town like Hawley, it was beginning to have an effect on them all. Vinnie's mind was working so slowly he felt he'd taken a weeks worth of pills at once. Tommo was even snappier than usual, JJ was gulping drinks quicker than Dylan could pour them, and poor Cardi had slumped over the bar like melted ice cream.

"Right, Vincent, because we're all so fucking braindead any doctor would switch us off, despite the rest of us being fucking literate." Tommo quipped, earning him a scowl. Vinnie was about to argue when a muffled voice rose through the wooden top.

"They d-d-don't sell inflatable b-b-bananas."

"Sshh." Vinnie soothed, rubbing Cardi's shoulder. "You save your energy, you. Don't want you crashing out halfway through the evening."

"Ugghh!" Tommo groaned, loudly enough to make them all jump. "Is it not four YET?" he asked, referring to Dylan's clocking off time.

"Half an hour, you impatient twat." Dylan rolled his eyes. "If you're that bothered about sitting here waiting, why don't you go to the shop and get the supplies, it'll keep you busy."

Tommo scrunched his nose at the suggestion. "I'm not going to the shop. You think I, a man of my style and grace and many talents, is made for something as simple as merely errand running? I think not, dear Dyldo. The day I shall be seen pushing a trolley around like some old pensioner, is the day any of these failed experiments in socialisation-" he gestured to Vinnie, Cardi and JJ, "attempts to make conversation with someone of the female persuasion."

None of the lads questioned his insults. They had gotten used to Tommo's sharp tongue at the best of times, and he had said much worse earlier in the day without the benefit of the shade.

"W-w-we can't go to the shop yet, Ash isn't here, it's not f-f-fair." Cardi sat up straight to reprimand them all.

"Cardi, sweetheart, he'll turn up when he turns up. You text him, didn't you? so whenever he's free he'll know the plan." Vinnie nodded to reassure him. "Anyway, you know our Ash, he'll eat bloody anything."

"But where is he?" Cardi shouted, and slammed a hand down on the bar, startling himself. He softened into a sulk, and said "He's always disappearing now."

It was true. Ash had always been one to vanish at a moments notice, but Cardi hadn't noticed until recently when these magical acts had become more and more frequent, and for longer periods of time. Although he loved all of the gang, he considered Ash to be his best friend, always the person he called first or hung around with without the company of others. There had been a time where Cardi had put disappearances down to hook-ups, but if that were still the case then either he had something secret that was serious, or Ash was putting it about like crazy.

"Do you th-th-think he's got a f-f-fella?"

Vinnie jumped in immediately, recognising the concern in Cardi's question. "No! No, course he hasn't, not without telling you. He wouldn't keep that a secret from you, would he?" He looked to the others with eyes pleading for backup, but none came.

"Don't ask me." JJ huffed. "He's barely spoke to me since I asked if he's ever considered having his ears pinned back."

"Yeah, well." Vinnie rose one eyebrow. "That was a bit harsh, wasn't it?"

"Nah. Not just that. Can't say anything to him now without him having some girly strop. When did he get so flipping sensitive?"

Vinnie sighed. "He's always been sensitive. Just used to be better at hiding it." He had to admit though, that JJ might have a point. Ash seemed to be taking everything to heart recently, offended much quicker and thinking deeply about things, he had even caught him crying on occasion. He had never hidden that side of himself from Vinnie, so while JJ seeing it as more didn't count for much, Vinnie recognising that was a warning. Not quite a red light, but perhaps an amber.

"At least he hangs out with you." Tommo interjected. "Won't come near me for love nor money these days. Maybe on a job or when you're all there, but can I get him to come on a coke binge? Can I buggery."

Vinnie wanted to say that scenario wouldn't appeal to most people, but Dylan spoke before he got a chance to. "Yeah, he's avoiding me as well."

"You?" Vinnie questioned. He could understand not wanting to get high as a kite with a tiny sex monster, but he could see no reason on earth why Ash would be avoiding Dylan.

"Yeah. I think it's Erin. He's been backing off more and more since I moved in with her, god forbid I ask him round. You'd think I'd asked him for all his internal organs."

"Well, he's not likely to be jealous, is he? She's not exactly his type, dude."

Dylan tossed a towel into Vinnie's face. "Well, obviously, Sherlock. I think he just doesn't like her."

"Oh, don't be daft. He'd have said."

"No he wouldn't." Cardi groaned. "He doesn't s-s-say anything anymore."

Vinnie was struck by flooding memories of how much Ash had shut down or changed topics of conversation recently. He tried to think back to when they had last had one of their deep talks, and he was coming up empty. He couldn't bear the suspicion that was aroused at the bar, or the thought that Ash might be keeping a secret, but something was gnawing away at him. Just then, a bleep indicated Cardi had received a reply.

I'm busy tonight. Have fun. No red meat!

Furrowed brows were visible around the entire group. Now, even Vinnie couldn't avoid the obvious.

"He's up to something."

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Vinnie found it very strange to be in a car that didn't smell of weed, and that he couldn't light up in. Shirley already wasn't pleased about lending them the car, and he had told him in no uncertain terms that if he broke the rules, he would chop him up and feed him to Petula. No lighting up, put back the fuel, don't get caught speeding. They weren't the hardest rules to follow, but since none of them knew how long they would be playing at being secret agents, the first was the toughest. It wasn't like they could keep stopping and nipping outside for a puff when they were supposed to be undercover.

"This feels so wrong." Dylan sulked. "He's our mate, we shouldn't be fucking spying on him. He's entitled to his privacy."

Tommo swatted him round the head from his position behind. "Shut it, knobhead. Don't you wanna know what he's up to?"

"Well, obviously! I just think he'll tell us in his own time."

"Will you both shut it?" Vinnie grumbled. "Course it feels wrong. But what if he's had a secret for ages and doesn't plan on ever telling us? It seems dodgy to me."

Knowing they was no returning from this point, everyone kept their mouths shut. Boredom began to eat away at them from their incognito position close to the site, as they waited for Ash to emerge from his family's caravan and be on his way. When he did so forty minutes later, it felt like hours had passed.

"Ooh he's there Vin, he's there, I s-s-see him!"

"Yeah, I can see that, thankyou!" Vinnie recoiled from the excited assault Cardi had launched on his shoulder, and started the engine. He was careful to hold back before following, to avoid raising alarm.

"Where the mucky fuck is he off to?" Tommo huffed not fifteen minutes later. "I'm dying for a piss."

JJ rolled his eyes. "Well you should have gone outside the car earlier, like I did."

Dylan sensed an argument brewing, and answered Tommo's question in an attempt to halt it and avoid Vinnie losing his temper. "Looks like he's heading into Bolton. Do we know anyone in Bolton?"

Sure enough, Ash's journey seemed to wind down there as he turned the van from main roads into several residential side streets. When he rolled to a stop outside a semi-detached on a quiet cul-de-sac, Vinnie pulled over at the bottom of the street with ever-increasing concern.

"Something's not fucking right, here. Who the fuck does Ash know who lives in a nice house like that? What the pissing hell has he got himself involved in?"

"We don't know its dodgy." Dylan tried to soothe him. "Like Cardi said earlier, maybe he's got himself a fella."

"Ooh look, he's getting out!" Cardi resumed his enthusiastic slapping on Vinnie's shoulder.

"Will you stop bloody battering me!" Vinnie yelled, then pulled an apologetic face for his shouting.

The lads all craned forward to watch Ash's journey to the house, not that it aided their vision much from their position. They saw enough, however, to witness him leap over the gate rather than opening it, leading to JJ muttering about how he was a show-off. He carefully maneuvered around the wildflowers and confidently rapped the door, with a gleeful jump backwards. He certainly seemed in high spirits. Each of his observers felt their anticipation rise until the scene before them left their mouths hanging open.

They couldn't understand the hand placed delicately on his jaw, snaking around his head and brushing his cheek with a thumb. They couldn't understand the lips on his. His hand resting solidly on a waist also caused confusion.

"Well." Tommo finally uttered. "Guess being worried about a fella was barking up completely the wrong tree, then."

The blonde woman laughed as she wiped deep red lipstick from his face, which caused her short curls to bounce around her face. Ash chuckled too, and scooped her into a hug that lifted her off her feet. None of the lads could stop themselves from staring at what was happening in front of them.

"Wait, is that..." Dylan squinted and pressed his face almost entirely to the glass of the windscreen. "Is that Hollie? Butterworth? From school?"

Tommo dived between the two front seats and mirrored Dylan's actions. "Hey, it bloody is, y'know. I'd recognise those knockers anywhere."

As Ash followed Hollie into the house and the door closed behind them, everyone in the car remained in silence, unmoving. The shock had hit them all like a tsunami. No one seemed to be capable of making words. Finally, Vinnie snapped.

"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS GOING ON?!"

Chapter Text

A thousand possibilities ran rings around Vinnie's mind as he paced backwards and forwards next to the parked car. He was only vaguely aware of the several pairs of beady eyes that watched him from inside the vehicle. His thoughts were far too concerned with what exactly his friend of over twenty years was up to, behind his back. Only Dylan had left the car with him, but was smart enough to lean against it silently smoking, absentmindedly glancing in his direction once in a while.

"I mean, correct me if I'm fucking wrong here, please, but is Ash or is Ash not bleeding homosexual?" He voiced, in a half-yelled and half-hushed tone. He didn't even recognise the control he had, many years of learning where his voice wasn't welcome had made it second nature.

"It's not nice to use labels in this day and age, y'know."

Vinnie growled at Tommo, who retreated from hanging his head out of the open window to scold him. The noise made Dylan chuckle, who so far hadn't seen fit to intervene.

"Maybe it was just a friendly kiss. Doesn't mean something's going on with them."

"Alright then." Vinnie gestured to Dylan with his finger. "You come here and kiss me like that, then."

Dylan scoffed. "I would." Then, realising it was no time for jokes, added, "So maybe it's more. Maybe he's shagging her something rotten. And?"

"He's gay!" Vinnie screamed. He shook his head in wonder, how was nobody else questioning it like he was? "Look, I'm all for the no labels thing or people breaking them." He nodded to Tommo. "But have we ever seen Ash do that? In all the years we've known him? Surely we'd have seen it at least once. Especially the way he hides himself from his family, you'd think there's been at least one girl he'd been close to. Has there?"

He waited for a response, and he got one. Not a single person could think of anything to argue back with.

"Exactly." The breath that pushed through his nostrils came so heavy, it made him dizzy. Vinnie gripped the car to keep his balance, and closed his eyes. "Ash and women, no. So if he is, there's a reason. And if he hasn't told us that reason, then it's bad."

The silence continued for a while, before JJ broke it. "What I don't understand is how? How has a kept this secret? Ash tells us everything, even things we don't wanna know. He has zero filter."

"M-m-maybe all of it was a l-l-lie." Cardi muttered, verging on tears. Tommo wrapped an arm around his shoulders, stating, "No. He loves us. That isn't a lie."

Vinnie raised a small smile watching Tommo dish out the comfort. It's not something people ever expected of him, but as a gang the lads all knew, Tommo hated to see anyone hurting. He couldn't bear it, his well hidden emotions ran deep. He thought that musing would reassure him, that everyone hides a part of themselves, but it did quite the opposite. Hidden from everyone, but never the lads, not in a million years. They all knew everything about each other, it was the nature of their relationships. Ash had kept this from them, and that didn't just make him worry - it stung. Couldn't they be trusted?

"Shit, there's movement!" Dylan ushered Vinnie back into the driving seat, and quickly clambered over him to the passenger side, all of them ducking down. They could all see just enough to spot the house. The door opened and Ash shuffled his way out, mug in hand, and perched on the garden bench.

"Two hours he's been in there." Tommo said, sounding more impressed than anything. "Didn't think he had it in him." He was quieted by Dylan's shushing and everyone slapping in his direction.

They watched Ash take out his phone, and hold it to his ear. The ringing shook the car, and Cardi answered quickly before they were spotted.

"Alright Ash!" He said, far too cheerfully. Vinnie grimaced at him, desperately hoping he wouldn't blow it. Cardi set it to speaker.

"Howaya, hows the barbecue?"

"Yep, good, good thanks." Cardi nodded, trying to play it cool.

"You sure? Sounds awful quiet."

Cardi looked to the others, lost for words. Wisely, Vinnie decided to speak. "Yeah, well, we are calm human beings at times, y'know? Especially when the sun's out and I've given them all the good weed."

Ash huffed a laugh. "Sure, if you say so. You at the shack, yeah? I could be there in about half an hour if those lot haven't all passed out."

Panic ran through them all and no one really knew why Vinnie said "Yep, we're here. Be a love and grab some more beers on your way."

"Aye, no bother. Oh, Cardi?"

"Yeah?"

"No red meat!"

Cardi's face fell. "I haven't." He whined, sounding rather like a stroppy teenager.

As they call went dead, and they watched Ash plod back into the house, everyone breathed out a sigh they didn't know they were holding.

"Fucking hell, now you've gotta beat him back!" JJ slammed his fist into the door.

"Oh shit, yeah!" Vinnie set off at a remarkable speed, relying on Dylan to point the route back to somewhere he knew. If it weren't for Dylan's memory, he didn't know what he would do at times. They were halfway home before he spoke again.

"Listen, seriously. We've all got questions, we all wanna know what the fuck is going on. But we lock it away for now, yeah? We approach it at the right time. Otherwise fuck knows what might happen."

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Ash arrived at the shack to find his friends exactly as he had been told. Vinnie and JJ were trying to teach Cardi how to ply Uno, who was losing his temper when he didn't understand. Tommo and Dylan stood watch over the barbecue, having an argument about sausages that resulted in childish spraying of lighter fluid. Before even setting off from Hollie's he'd had the suspicion that all was not what it had seemed, that no such barbecue was taking place, which was how he had been able to talk her round into him leaving early. Here was the evidence that he was wrong. He didn't know about the rushed ten minute set-up this scene had taken, or the begging phone call to Jim from the car for supplies.

"Surprised you've not got half of Hawley up here." At the questioning looks, he continued. "Nice weather like this? They'll do anything for a free burger."

Everyone laughed in agreement.

"Too true, Ashley, too true. I'm surprised Cardi could keep his mouth shut." Tommo jibed.

At the offended look on Cardi's face, Vinnie returned a sympathetic one. "He's got a point, sweetheart. You do have a habit of telling people things you shouldn't."

"What was it Benjamin Franklin said?" Tommo glanced around for any input, but received none. "Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead."

Although Tommo never looked directly at him, Ash got the unnerving sense that it was directed towards him. He was so busy gazing at Tommo, that he didn't notice everyone else glaring at him, or Vinnie pointing a warning finger in his direction.

"Sausages!" Dylan announced, far too loudly. "Chicken for Cardi, of course."

As they ate, Ash was uncharacteristically quiet. It had been a long time since he had worried about his best friends discovering his secret, especially all of them at once. It had just seemed too unrealistic, and he'd worked hard to keep it under wraps. His entire life had fallen into such a smooth routine that he didn't have to work as hard anymore - had that been it? Had he let go of the reins, and his mask had slipped enough for them to peek in? If he was interpreting their looks correctly, he thought it might have. They weren't quite accusatory, but something rested behind their eyes that said, 'I know'.

He remembered when he was 13, and he had told Vinnie he was gay. It was the first time he had ever said the words out loud. Vinnie had a look in his eyes then too, before he said 'I know'. That look had been different, there was a smile present, and not just the one with his mouth. His eyes had actually smiled. No one's eyes were smiling now.

They couldn't know, he knew that. He'd known from the very beginning that he could never tell the lads about any of this. It had been hell at first, he had been so conflicted that the words seemed to be clawing at his lips from the inside, keen to make their escape. Over time, things had become easier. Now, when they were clearly treating him differently and obviously holding some sort of feeling towards him, he wanted nothing more than to spill the truth.

He couldn't. He couldn't do that to them.

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"What was wrong with the chloroform?"

Ash sighed , and waved a hand to dismiss the question. He had enough to think about since last night, without having to explain to Cardi why his idea was stupid. There had been all the weird behaviour at the barbecue that seemed more like a staged performance, the early morning wake-up call he'd had from Vinnie to assist with stealing a car, and now they had been sent on a mission to find a Shetland pony. That wasn't to mention the insane argument with Jim that had led them here, or Ralph Roberts cornering him on his way home last night to say he had seen Vinnie on a bridge days before.

"I've n-n-never tried to get a horse to do something against it's w-w-will."

The comment made him smirk. He loved getting under his best mates skin - mostly because, unlike the others, he knew how far to push it without actually becoming mean. "You sure about that?"

"Yes." Cardi sulked. "Wouldn't m-m-make anyone do anything. Even if it upset me."

Concern grew for Ash. All thoughts of suspicion left his mind as defensiveness for his friend took over. "Who the fuck is upsetting you? Cardi, you better tell me now!"

"D-d-doesn't matter."

"CARDI!"

"I'm not supposed to be t-t-talking to you about it!" Cardi cried.

Ash was stumped. He pulled the van over, switched off the engine and turned to his side. "Cardi. If someone's upsetting you, and they've told you not to tell me... that's not good, yeah? Who said that?"

Cardi shifted, trying to look anywhere but directly at Ash. "Vinnie."

"Vin - wait, Vinnie's been upsetting you?"

"No! You have! V-V-Vinnie told me not to t-t-talk to you about it."

"I have?" A hurt grew in Ash's heart. He knew for certain now, they must be aware that he was keeping something from them. What he didn't know was how much they knew. He wanted to apologise, but he was still very guarded. He took a long sigh. "Mate, I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I'm the one upsetting you. What did I do? Whatever it is, I'll make it better, I swear."

Cardi finally turned to Ash, a shadow of a tear threatening to fall. "You're keeping secrets from me. F-f-from everyone. But from m-m-me. I tell you everything. We saw you kissing her. They s-s-said she was called Hollie."

Ash's mind wandered back to the previous evening, how Hollie had greeted him at the door. Everything crashed into place. The car several metres behind that he had clocked, and wondered if it was following him. The unusual quiet over the phone call. The weird staring contest all his mates had engaged in. They had been watching him. But if it was just last night, he knew - Hollie was all they had figured out.

"You're right, I've been keeping a secret. I'm sorry. I'm so tired of this." Ash thumped the steering wheel, and rubbed his other hand over his face. "I've been wanting to tell you. I, I..."

Cardi suddenly became very worried. He placed a hand on Ash's shoulder, while his bottom lip wobbled uncontrollably. "It's m-m-me, Ash. What can't you tell me?"

"... if I show you, promise you'll keep it to yourself?"

"I'll take it to the grave." Cardi declared proudly, not noticing Ash shudder.

"Don't say grave. Just swear."

"I s-s-swear on my life."

Ash pulled his phone from his pocket, fiddled around with it, then passed it to Cardi. He furrowed his brow taking in the screen, before rising it into his hairline when he made sense of what he was seeing.

"We talk later, yeah? Just me and you?"

Cardi nodded in response, a smile spreading across his face.

When Ash started the engine again, he couldn't deny that he felt lighter. Keeping it from Cardi had been the toughest, they shared everything, but he was also the one of the gang he wanted to save the most. A new feeling replaced the old, that now they would be keeping something from all their other friends. It wouldn't be the first time, but it was never something as big as this. It was never a whole life.

That life was something he thought about later, as the chemical filled his lungs and his head swam, before drooping forward and switching his brain off.

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"Ash? C-c-can you hear me?"

Cardi's voice reached him through the darkness, and Ash found himself thanking god. He quickly realised they were no longer in the van, with blankets covering him and a distinct lack of clothes save for a flimsy gown. He slowly forced his eyes open, and the lights blinded him.

"I can hear you."

A small sob came from his right. "Thank fuck for that. W-w-when I woke up first, I thought you were d-d-dead."

Ash tried to laugh, but only managed a weak cough. "I'm not bloody dead. No thanks to you. Bringing that bloody bottle and then smashing it." He was amazed how quickly his memory had returned, without even having to think about it. "I'm only joking." He added, recalling who he was speaking to. He knew Cardi would get in his own head and blame himself endlessly.

"The lads are coming. N-n-nurse called Vinnie to say I was awake."

"Good thing I'm awake too, so."

"I w-w-was thinking." Ash glanced over to Cardi, one eyebrow raised. He was intrigued. Cardi rarely thought about anything. "Y-y-you should tell them. You might have died, and then... how would she know?"

He wished he'd never looked over. "I told you, I can't. Neither can you, you swore."

"But you've-"

"I know!" Ash sighed. "I know. But it's complicated. That's why I made you promise, don't break that, please." The sad look on Cardi's face only made him feel even more guilty. "Let's have that talk now. And quickly."

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Ash held the phone away from his ear, squinting at the noise emitting from it.

"A fucking show for farmers? Are you taking the piss?"

"Hol, I have to. I-"

"First you don't turn up last night, because you're passed out from fucking chloroform of all things, and now you're buggering off to watch a load of horses?"

Ash shook his head. He didn't know how to win right now. "Will you bloody listen to me? I have to. We talked about this, you said you'd always understand if I had to do something. Well, I have to. They're watching me like a damn hawk."

"Because of the chloroform?" The voice on the end softened. "Is it that bad? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. It's not that. They know something's going on."

The silence on the end was deafening. It could have only lasted seconds, but it felt like ten minutes. "Ashley, what... what do they know?"

"They followed me. Saw us kissing at the door."

"Shit." He heard Hollie sigh, and they both knew they had messed up. "Is that all they know?"

"Yeah. Well... well except Cardi."

Silence again. "How much does he know?"

"... Everything."

"ASHLEY!" Hollie certainly had an extraordinary talent for shrieking. "What the fuck do you mean, everything? You know we can't tell them!"

Ash peered around the car park, to make sure nobody could hear him. JJ and Tommo were in their respective cars, one searching for a podcast and the other flicking his cigarette ash into the wind. Vinnie and Dylan were still inside sorting out Cardi. "Don't you think I know?" He hissed into the phone. "Do you think I wanted to tell him? He was fucking broken, Hol. None of them have a clue what's going on, and it's all going to come apart soon. We knew it would, one day." He spotted some movement near the doors, and panicked. "Vin's coming, I've gotta go."

"Ashley Dennings, I swear to god-"

He hung up the phone, sliding it into his pocket without being seen.

"That fresh air doing you good, eh?" Vinnie grinned at him.

"Something like that." He grinned back. They made their way to the cars, and Ash couldn't help but think about the rage that would confront him next time he ventured to Bolton.

Chapter Text

When the kettle clicked after boiling, Hollie didn't begin to pour it. Instead, she found herself continuing to stare at a spot on the counter, completely disassociated and biting her thumbnail down to blood. She was still there ten minutes later, when Ash found her and his heart sunk. He wrapped an arm around her waist from behind, and rested his chin on her head.

"Everything will work itself out. We'll sort it, I promise."

Hollie's face merged to one of pain. "How can you even say that? Even when it was supposed to be safe, it wasn't. And now it's not safe, and now Cardi knows. Christ, you really do pick your moments."

"I wouldn't say I picked it." He unravelled himself from around her and went to make the tea. "I didn't ask them to follow me. I did everything like we've always done. Our time just ran out. What is done in the dark comes out in the light, right? You taught me that."

As he filled their mugs, Hollie slumped against the table. She knew what he said was true, although she didn't want it to be. As hard as she had tried to keep everything under wraps and within her control, she had always known that one day her grip would slip, or be forcibly removed. It was a choice she had consciously made by living here instead of halfway around the world. There had been a point in time that there were enough reasons to keep her here, but now that things had become like walking a tightrope she struggled to recall them.

"What do we do though? I'm rubbish at this. You're always the man with the plan."

Ash laughed loudly at this. "Funny, none of the lads would ever say that. I just kinda go along with their ideas. I only seem to be good at it with you."

"We make quite the team, don't we?" Hollie managed a weak smile in his direction that he returned, before he leaned over and took her hand.

"We always have. We always will. When one of us is tired, the other picks up the slack." He went back to finishing the tea, and let his mind wander. "Speaking of which. Why don't I do the appointment, you take some time out."

She scoffed as though the suggestion was ridiculous. "Don't talk wet. I can't ask you to do that."

"And you're not, I offered." Ash crossed his arms and quirked his brow at her, which she always knew meant that on this discussion, his word was law. "And even if you had, yes you can. It's just as much my responsibility as it is yours."

Hollie knew not to even bother arguing with him, but it still left a hollow feeling in her chest. "It didn't have to be." She whispered.

"I knew what I was getting into."

"I suppose." She nodded.

"Good. So I'll do it, you go off and get your nails done or whatever it is you ladies do."

"You're so gay."

They both became captured in laughter, grateful at times like these their in-jokes still had the ability to do that to them. A buzz alerted Hollie to Ash's phone vibrating on the table, and she checked the screen for who was calling.

"Ah." She smirked. "If it isn't the Borrower himself."

"Don't call him that." Ash tutted, but still found himself smirking along. He took the phone from her and answered it swiftly. "Alright, Tommo?"

"Ashley." Came the reply, as always, yet what followed was more unusual. "Not great news, I'm afraid. It's Big Sandy."

Ash sighed. "What about her? She's not broken another pole? Cause I'm not fixing it again."

"Not unless she's putting on a show for Saint Peter." They could almost hear the amused expression on his face that had surely been conjured by the images in his mind. "She's dead. Kicked the bucket, waved her last hurrah. Vin called, wants us at the farm in an hour. Something to do with raising money for the funeral."

Ash glanced to Hollie, who nodded dejectedly. She had always understood his double life, but in recent times when overwhelmed by fear, she had been reluctant to let him go. Seemingly, this was a cause that was permissible.

"I'll be there, so. See ya." He hung up the phone, and threw an arm over her shoulders. There used to be a time where his weight threw her off balance, but now he noticed her lack of movement and how used to each other they had become. "I'll be back when I can."

Hollie gazed up at him, a small hint of admiration in her eyes. "Do what you have to do. You're right... we'll figure it out."

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"Sewers?"

Listening to Vinnie talk was harder than Ash had anticipated. Since finding out they all knew he had a connection to Hollie but not confronting them about it, playing along as normal had become gradually worse. It was like all trace of normality was hanging by a very thin thread, threatening dangerously to snap. Part of him hoped it would, just so he wasn't constantly on edge anymore. There had been enough problems to think about without the addition of this.

"There's homework?!"

Ash felt a beam of sunlight radiate through his chest. Thank god for Cardi, the one person he didn't have to worry about losing. Not that there weren't other concerns, of course, but having one person he knew made him feel less restricted. That reminder also allowed him to take a look around the room, and be grateful for another small mercy - no one was staring at him today. They were all far too focused on the task at hand and despite the circumstances, that was the best he could hope for right now. It allowed him to become re-engaged with plan talk, even if it was a stupid idea.

"They're getting divorced." Tommo informed them.

"Wonder why."

Ash mentally scolded himself for this slip. While it had always been his way, especially with Tommo who was a real bait to make fun of, he'd been trying not to draw attention to himself of late. Thankfully, in his sense of self-importance in his tale, Tommo seemed not to have noticed. He counted himself out of the new plan, as did everyone except Vinnie.

When it was time to leave the grow, they all climbed out of the door and set off across the farm. Cardi hung back to speak to Ash.

"How's... everything?" He asked quietly. Ash had to admit, Cardi had really been holding up his promise of not telling, which must be difficult for him.

"Yeah, it's... it's okay. She's still on edge." Cardi nodded in response. "We both are. Got that appointment as well."

"I'm s-s-sure it will be fine." Cardi stated, although he didn't sound all that sure himself. Ash was grateful to him for trying though, and clamped a hand on his shoulder.

Neither of them spotted Vinnie staring at them from ahead in the field.

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The next evening, when Ash found himself trudging through a sewer that he had argued against getting into, he pondered how easy his other life was in comparison. He knew that wasn't really true, but musing on how Hollie never made him do this distracted him slightly from the stench of human filth.

All thoughts of secrecy and betrayal had left their minds. He had thought being stuck underground would have prompted them to confront him but they hadn't, instead focusing on the most random of topics. He wondered if this was a good sign, that while suspicious of him they certainly didn't hate him. Still, he didn't know whether being confronted or waiting for the ball to drop was worse. Things were pushed further away still when they found the room accurately, but celebrating will do that to you.

When they stumbled across the fatberg, Ash remembered his conversation with Hollie the morning before. How she had called him the man with a plan, and how he told her the lads would dispute that. Everyone was arguing over what to do, and all he wanted was to get out of there and back in his slippers. He knew one of them had to make a decision, and for once, it would be him.

As he took three swings into it, he thought of what inspired the most anger in him.

Billy. SWING.

The cruel fates of the world. SWING.

Terrence fucking McCann. SWING.

He made a decision of the way home - he wouldn't tell Hollie about the twisted irony that the Terrence McCann swing was the one that covered them all in a disgusting mess.

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Cardi awoke, and instantly wretched. Despite getting straight in the shower after arriving home, and staying in there for over an hour, he couldn't seem to remove the smell of the sewers. He checked the time - 13:35. He must have needed that sleep. Making the connections in his mind, he wondered how Ash was getting on.

He plodded downstairs for food, knowing that if Ash wasn't around there was no-one to stop him from enjoying a bit of bacon. He stopped in his tracks, however, when he reached the bottom of the stairs and found several figures in his living room.

"Well, good morning sleeping beauty. About time you dragged your arse out of bed."

Cardi gazed curiously at Vinnie, and asked "What are you lot doing here?"

"Sit down, sweetheart." Tommo instructed, firmly but with a tone of reassurance.

"W-w-what's happened?" Cardi asked, doing as he was told. "Is everyone okay?"

Vinnie leaned forward in his seat, elbows rested on his knees, and offered him a hint of a smile. "We were hoping you could tell us that, mate."

Cardi got the feeling he knew what this was about. Everyone creeping into his house and waiting for him, questioning him, with the obvious missing presence of Ash? He'd always found it hard to keep secrets, but he had promised, and he had to try his best. "I d-d-dunno what you m-m-mean."

Vinnie's lips pursed, as he was clearly losing patience with the conversation. "You know. You know what's going on with Ashley. I saw you talking up at the farm. Now, we need you to tell us what it is."

Cardi blinked at everyone for a moment, then answered simply. "No."

"... No?"

"I'm n-n-not telling you. I shan't."

Only an outstretched arm from Tommo stopped Vinnie from darting forward, who was now grinding his teeth in frustration. Dylan leaned over, and gently patted Cardi's forearm. "Did he ask you not to tell us?"

"He made me p-p-promise." Cardi nodded. "And it's important. It's b-b-bad to break a promise."

Everyone made small noises of agreement, remembering who they were talking to and that they couldn't start attacking him for information.

"He's not d-d-doing anything to hurt anyone. It's the opposite. So you sh-sh-should all leave him alone. Now if you don't mind, I'm hungry." He stood to head into the kitchen, but was halted by a question from Vinnie.

"Alright, but you don't know where he is, do you? It's just I've tried ringing him..."

"Oh, right." Cardi said, understanding. "Yeah, he won't have his phone on in the hospital."

It took a moment before he realised what he had said. He was already in the kitchen and pouring cereal into a bowl, he had to behave if the others were there watching him. He had just said a crucial word that shouldn't have been uttered. He slowly stepped back into the living room to find several faces blinking at him.

"Hospital?" Tommo was the first to speak. "Cardi love, what do you mean, hospital? What's he doing there?"

"NO!" Cardi yelled, becoming flustered. "Shan't tell you!"

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It was a nice funeral, he supposed, as funerals go. Kath had been up there telling some good stories, there was some turn-out. But Ash had never been overly keen on funerals, and he only hated them more as he got older. Any suggestion of death brought a force of terror out in him, one that he had to mask very well. He briefly remembered how he had purposely muted his reaction to Cardi saying 'I'll take it to the grave'.

He had that uneasy feeling again, like he had been made to walk the plank and was now wobbling on the edge. It had been driven away during their time in the sewers, but it had returned with a bang. He told himself that it was his own imagination, because of his activities in the meantime he was more sensitive and was making up scenarios in his head. Then he noticed the odd turn of events that had taken place, that he hadn't even been aware of.

When they had entered, Cardi had shuffled straight down to the edge, with JJ and Tommo sliding into place before he got a chance. It was almost as though Cardi was avoiding him, and the lads were simultaneously creating a wall so that they would be kept apart. The only reason for that to be happening was if Cardi had told his secret, and he never would. Ash glanced behind he lads in Cardi's direction - who quickly averted his eyes and began turning red.

Time paused. Ash felt the room spinning and the rising sensation of vomit in his throat. The only thing that pulled him out of his reverie was a whispered conversation in front of him, and the unwelcome mention of Terrence McCann's name.

Chapter Text

"Hi. I'm s-s-sorry to just appear like this, I was hoping we could t-t-talk?"

Hollie quickly understood something that Ash had been telling her for years - Cardi had this way about him, a sweetness that made it impossible to be mad at or suspicious of him for very long. She nodded, pulled open the door and led him to the kitchen.

"This is nice." He gestured around the room. "I like the colours, very cosy."

Hollie smiled, and motioned for him to sit at the table. "Tea?" She asked. "He's not here right now, he's just taken the dog for a walk. He won't be long."

"Oh, I know." Cardi nodded. "I w-w-waited for him to leave. Just wanted to talk to you." He noticed her hand still hovered over the kettle. "Oh, yes please. No sugar, he'll sh-sh-shout at me."

The thought of Ash playing parent to Cardi made Hollie smirk. She had heard it before, of course, but never from this side. It was a unique element they shared, as his less-aggressive form of protection didn't seem to be needed with the other lads as much as it was with her. She remained quiet while brewing up, waiting for Cardi to speak, but he didn't.

"So," she said finally, while placing down their tea. "What is it that you wanted to talk to me about? I mean, I know you know everything, he told me that. But which part specifically?"

Cardi fiddled with the sleeves of his jacket, evidently nervous to approach the topic. "I... I wanted to ask you, to r-r-reconsider. About telling the others. Y-y-you know they haven't spoken in weeks?"

"I know." Hollie grimaced. The fact that her life had become so weighted that it lost him his chosen family, that had been running through her mind every night and keeping sleep away from her. "He cries every day. Sometimes all day. I try to get him to talk about it, about his feelings, but he won't. He doesn't want me to feel guilty."

Cardi nodded, knowing all too well how Ash could clam up and never wanted people to feel bad. "Do you? Feel guilty?"

Coming from anyone else, it may have sounded like a reprimand - a command that she should in fact feel that way. But the softness of Cardi's voice, and the innocence in his tone seemed to soothe all of her concerns.

"I did." She murmured. "Until just now. You turning up is a bit of a weird coincidence. I already decided this morning that telling the truth might be a good idea. But god, Cardi, I'm so scared."

The caring instinct kicked into Cardi, who shifted his seat around and offered his open arms to Hollie. She fell into them, not even considering how strange it was to be clutching onto a man she had never met before.

"I think anyone would be."

Hollie lifted her head. "What if you can't keep each other safe?" She whispered.

"Well... w-w-why did you believe Ash, when he told you he could keep you safe?"

She'd never thought about this before. It had been so long ago, she had almost drowned the memory in an attempt to avoid it. When Cardi asked, it dazzled in her mind with crystal clarity.

"I just, did, I suppose. He told me he would try his best. He looked like he meant it." She paused for thought. "It's worked so far."

Hollie knew all her previous logic had to go out of the window the second that Cardi grinned. If she'd had faith once, she had to have it again. "I promise that we will try our best."

They shared a small laugh, before Hollie sighed. "Okay. Now we just have to convince Ash." When Cardi looked confused, she continued. "I know he thinks he wants to tell. But as soon as I say it's okay, he will find fault with it. All to try and protect me. It's funny, really. He acts like a big strong grown up when I need him to be, but deep down he's still that little boy that just wants comforting."

At the sound of a slam, they both jumped. "I think that's our sign." Cardi said.

When a staffordshire bull terrier plodded into the kitchen, it was all Cardi could do not to squeal and immediately dive in for cuddles. When it was followed by Ash, both he and Hollie stayed quiet.

"Cardi? What are you doing here? Is everything okay, are the lads alright?" Ash panicked.

"Everyone's f-f-fine." Cardi reassured him. "Apart from the fact you haven't s-s-spoken in w-w-weeks. Come home, Ash."

"I am home." He grumbled. "In case you've forgotten, they are the ones who stopped speaking to me." He remembered the quick exit everyone had made after Big Sandy's funeral, how all of his texts or calls following it had gone unanswered. Worst of all, he remembered the day he walked into The Crow's Nest and everyone but Cardi had promptly left. Cardi had told him about his slip regarding the hospital, but that he had stuck to his guns after and refused to tell them anything further. They weren't speaking to him all that much either, but it was impossible to stay mad at Cardi. Ash was hurt that they couldn't trust what he was doing, or that he'd have good reason not to tell them about it.

"What are you, five?" Hollie shook her head flippantly at him. "Just stop the bloody madness. Look, we've just been talking. It's about time you tell them."

Ash blinked at Hollie. In all the years they had been stuck in this together, she had been adamant about the level of secrecy required. Now, when things seemed so dire, she'd had this turnaround? He couldn't make sense of it. She noticed this and guided him to the table to take her seat, and leaned in to rest on his shoulders.

"Aren't you sick of pretending to be someone else? Because I know I am." Her voice cracked. She steeled herself to avoid her fear showing through again. So what if they know? Cardi's known for a while now, and he's fine."

Cardi nodded and threw out his arms, to illustrate her point. Ash bit his lip, knowing she was right but plagued by the possibilities.

"It's too late. I've kept it from them for too long now. If I start spilling, it doesn't mean that they'll forgive me."

"It's not too late." Cardi told him. "It's never too late. W-w-we all get m-m-mad at each other sometimes, but we always m-m-make it up. Right?"

Ash huffed, a small smile emerging on his face. "Jesus, I dunno. I can't think straight."

Hollie smirked wider than she had in a long time. She moved closer to his ear, and bellowed "You're so gay!"

As Ash told her to shut up and she walked away, he glanced towards her. "Your arse looks good in those jeans, by the way."

"I know!" She winked, exiting the room and leaving the lads to talk.

"She's s-s-scared. But she wants you to tell them. She seems smart. M-m-maybe it's time."

Ash slammed his head into his folded arms on the table. "Fecking hell." He muttered from within them. "There was me thinking being gay meant you didn't have to deal with a woman always knowing better than you."

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Tension clouded the air in the upstairs room of the pub. The lads waited impatiently for the reason they had been summoned, although none were really up for it. JJ and Dylan both dreaded the confrontation, they had wanted to avoid drama which was why they had kept their distance. The both now realised that doing so had created a much bigger mess. Tommo was hurt that one of his oldest friends was keeping secrets, and his avoidance had been due to petty dismissal - If Ash wouldn't talk to him, he would receive the same.

Vinnie was in the worst shape of all. Since the funeral, he had been bouncing erratically between incomprehensible mania and the deepest of depressions. Those around him didn't know which was worse - the constant threat of being so low he might actually kill himself this time, or the uncontrollable insanity that manifested as murderous rage and farcical invincibility. Vinnie had never been one for stability, neither received or in the life he had built. The closest he had ever had to it was the constant companionship of his oldest friends, and one of them was hiding something huge, living a whole life that he had chosen not to share. This had sent his paranoia running rampant, and left everyone around him on edge.

After what seemed like an age, Cardi popped his head round the door. "Oh, good. You're all here." He stepped in and flailed his arms to introduce Ash, as though he hadn't told them the plan and this had all been some great surprise. The looks Ash received weren't pleasant, but he nodded back anyway.

"Howaya." He took his seat, and wondered whether he should start.

"It's good to see you." He heard Dylan say. He looked up and found a smile appearing on his friends face, and on JJ's too.

"You too." He replied. "All of you." Tommo looked away pouting, clearly sulking, and Vinnie just stared darkly in his direction.

"So," Cardi began. "I w-w-went to see Ash this afternoon. We've had a chat. He wants to t-t-tell you all the truth."

Ash had been preparing himself all the way to Hawley, but as soon as Cardi said those words his mind went blank. "Um... I don't know where to start, but-"

"Hollie." He looked up and saw an urgency in Dylan's eyes, and they exchanged several silent words invisible to all but Vinnie. "Start with Hollie Butterworth."

He'd been so concerned with never telling them the truth, with how their safety could be compromised if he did, that he had never considered other aspects of the revelation. Hollie was a part of their history - Ash, Dylan, Vinnie, Tommo, and Hollie. Any other woman and it would have been strange, with Hollie it felt like additional betrayal.

"That's not her name." He mumbled.

"Course it's her fucking name!" Vinnie exploded. He rose from his chair and began pacing. "Same schools and hanging out since we were five? We know her fucking name, Ashley!" He leaned his forehead into the wall, clearly trying to calm the rage that had been bubbling for weeks. "What do you mean?" He asked, more quietly.

When Ash didn't respond, it took Dylan putting together the pieces for the truth to come out. "Wait, she's... she's Hollie Dennings, isn't she?"

Ash held his gaze apologetically. "Yeah. She's my wife." Silence filled the room. Ash noticed Vinnie staring into a non-existent spot, trying to work it out, and Tommo looking even more hurt than before.

"Ash, mate." JJ said gently. "You're gay though?"

"Yes."

"Oh, I don't fucking get it!" Vinnie yelled, and launched his chair across the room. It told Ash something that no one flinched, but simply shook their heads in exasperation.

"Well maybe, if you stopped fucking screaming Vincent, he might have a chance to explain!" Tommo scolded him. He looked to have had enough of the tantrums, but didn't look as though he were totally on Ash's side yet, either. It did enough to make Vinnie sit on the floor, scowling but keeping his mouth shut.

"I think I'm just made for a dysfunctional family." Ash told them. They all remained quiet as they knew he was about to share everything - if his tone didn't tell them, the tear running down his cheek did. "Whether it's my actually family, my family with you lot, or my marriage. No family I've got is normal."

He knew that what he was about to disclose was heavy, there were so many parts to it. But he had promised Hollie he would be truthful with them, and as daunting as it was, he was looking forward to not having to hide himself away from them anymore. At least, most of it.

"Since we were five. You said that." Ash pointed towards Vinnie. "Do you remember her dad? Any of you?"

The three involved thought for a moment, and in unison, shook their heads. "That's weird." Tommo voiced. "I mean, I know it was from eleven for me, but surely one of you should remember him?"

"Exactly." Ash sighed. "We never saw him, or at least, you lot didn't. But he's the reason she disappeared."

"She disappeared?" JJ asked, confused.

"Yeah." Dylan replied, a sadness creeping into his voice. "We were fifteen. She just left school, that was it, no one saw her again. Well, until that day we followed Ash."

Ash turned to JJ, to fill in some of the blanks for him. "We'd all been best friends for years. Probably me the most. She knew I was gay before I did. That's why I was the only one who knew what was going on." He turned back to the rest of the group. "The reason you don't remember her dad is because he was never there. He was a dodgy bastard, worked for some dangerous people. You remember her mum though, right?"

Vinnie nodded. "Ruthie. Always made sure we were well fed." His face began to contort. "She vanished too."

"She did." Ash continued. "What you don't know, is that Hollie was around longer than you think. Ruthie vanished, then Hollie a few weeks later." He took a huge gulp, knowing there was no turning back from here. "This is where the story gets very messy. This is where stuff happens that I've kept from you, tried to protect you from. One last chance to leave the room before it can't be undone." Ash paused, and no one moved. "Okay. Billy - that's her dad - he killed someone on the order of his employer. Ruthie discovered it, and something snapped. She had put up with it when she though it was money laundering, drug dealing even. But knowing someone was murdered? She decided to turn Billy and his employer in to the police."

Wide eyes were dotted all around the room. Ash was thankful no one had shouted out, remarked on any of it - this was hard enough to get out without them disturbing his flow. He knew he had to get this in order for it to make sense, it was unbelievable enough as it is. Finally, for the first time in over a decade, he didn't care if they knew his secrets, he just wanted his family back.

"Billy couldn't have that. Neither could his employer. Another hit was ordered, and this time, it was on her." Ash choked on a small sob. "Hollie saw the whole thing. She came to me and stayed hidden with my lot for a few weeks. Then... well, something clicked in her and she went to the police herself. Billy was arrested, thrown in nick. There wasn't enough evidence against the other guy."

Cardi had shifted closer to Ash and placed a hand on his shoulder. Already knowing the whole story, he wasn't in quite the state of shock that the rest of his friends were. "That's what Ash meant about p-p-protecting us. B-b-because obviously the other one knows Hollie grassed him up."

Ash nodded. "Francis knew a guy renting his house out, the one you saw. He agreed to let her have it, Mammy's name on the tenancy, we covered the rent for her. I decided to marry her and put my name on the tenancy, so even if someone did find out she lived there, she wouldn't be Hollie Butterworth."

"Didn't have to marry her for that though, did you?" Tommo spoke at last. "She still could have changed her name. You still could have had the tenancy. No reason to get bloody hitched."

Ash snorted. "I don't expect you to get it. But when I promised to protect her, I promised I'd stay by her side forever. I'm not changing that."

"So, do you..." Dylan trailed off, but Ash knew what he was asking.

"Honestly?" At Dylan's nod, he answered. "We have done. When she needs something. She lives a very secluded life, she doesn't meet anyone. But she sees it as I'm doing her a favour, so she doesn't care what I do the rest of the time."

"Very familiar with that attitude." Tommo smirked.

JJ still looked confused. "But how does it work? Because we saw you kissing her, you looked dead comfortable. Like, do you love her?"

Ash pondered for a moment. "Well, yeah. There's always been love, because she's one of my best friends. And living a whole life together, it brings a new kind of love. I wasn't in love with her when I married her, don't think I am now to what other people think being in love is. But I love her differently than I love you lads. It's hard to explain... but it's a special bond. We kiss, we cuddle, she's the other part of my soul. She's my wife, and always will be, but I'm still gay."

"Well... who the mucky fuck are we to question that, eh?" Ash smiled at Tommo. He knew they still didn't understand, they probably never would, but that was okay. They just needed to accept it. He looked towards Vinnie, anxious to know where he stood.

Vinnie gazed back. After a moment, he found the words he wanted. "How is she?" He uttered. It warmed Ash's heart to know that the biggest question for Vinnie was Hollie's wellbeing, but that didn't make the answer any easier.

"Not good, actually. She never has been really, but she was bundling through for a while there. but then things changed. Billy got released six months ago."

"That sucks." Dylan whistled. "Probably brings it all back, in her head I mean."

"Not just in her head." Ash replied. "He'd never hesitated in hurting her before, for much less. After she grassed him up, he swore he'd find her and make her pay. I believe him. That's why this whole story has to stay between us. Because I don't want him coming after you lot, too. Especially since you've already pissed off his boss."

The bewildered faces around him made Ash want to bang their heads together. After all, it was a name that had been mentioned several times in their circle of late. He simply looked to Vinnie, who picked up on his hint.

"Terrence McCann." He groaned.

"Terrence McCann." Ash repeated.

Talk erupted through the group about what to do from here, but Ash wasn't really present for any of it. He felt like he was walking on air, the years of weight finally thrown from his shoulders. He couldn't help the silent tears that rolled down his face, and he was grateful that nobody pointed them out. At one stage, someone asked him if that was everything, and he had nodded, and desperately accepted their hugs. When Cardi opened his mouth to argue, Ash had glared at him until he closed it. The suggestion of drinks was made, and they all began to file out of the room.

"Bit of a kick in the teeth for you, aye?" Vinnie muttered, holding back slightly. "One of your best mates, secretly married to and sometimes shagging your first love?"

"Shut up." Dylan had responded, and followed the rest.

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The adrenaline of the fight and escaping the raid had worn off. All that was left now was the three of them, in a hospital waiting room, too out of their minds with worry to even make conversation.

Vinnie blamed himself. He should have known that money wasn't the answer to every problem, should have warned Ash off going down this route. Even as he thought it, he knew it was a stupid conclusion. The fight had never just been about money, it had been about honour and family pride. He knew he had encouraged it though, whenever Ash had become resistant in training or wanted to back out for one reason or another. Vinnie had fuelled his determination by discussing the money, and Ash had wanted to take it for Hollie. He seemed to think that with enough raised, she could get away even further to a place she was safe, abroad maybe. He hadn't considered the very real possibility that Billy or McCann would follow them, or the implications that he would have to go with her and leave the rest of them behind.

Vinnie had thought of it though, and it had terrified him. If he had been more level-headed, he would have done everything he could to keep Ash in Hawley, but he felt so guilty about shutting him out and mistrusting him that he thought he should sound supportive. He regretted that choice now.

It was all Cardi could do to hold back his tears and screaming. He'd be right there in the room with Ash if they had let him - he'd tried, but even Mo had stepped back and told him they needed the room to work on him and make him better. It occurred to him that he was the only one of the lads who had never been mad at Ash throughout this whole ordeal. He'd been upset, of course, when he felt Ash was keeping things from him, but that was simply hurt. He'd had the privilege of being the first to know, and from there had understood every decision he had made. Well, almost. Then he'd agreed to fight, and Cardi's feelings had changed.

That's when he had actually become mad at Ash. He never understood the tradition anyway, never wanted his friend involved and risking getting hurt, but now it seemed worse. He had more people relying on him and waiting for him to come home safely - and yet again, he'd been keeping things under wraps, this time from Hollie. She didn't know he had been due to fight, let alone that he was now lying in a hospital bed. He knew that someone should call her, but even he knew it was best to wait until they found out how bad he was injured.

When someone appeared to give them the news, their whole world shifted.

"We think the reason he collapsed is due to a toxin we found in his blood."

This wasn't Ash, not their Ash. She had to be talking about someone else. Their Ash couldn't be in danger because he'd been spiked, it was too horrible to imagine. Effect on brain function, those words were swimming around their ears as the possibilities played behind their eyes.

"Let me go and have a word with them lads."

Cardi felt frozen. The world was collapsing and he couldn't move. First Ash, and now Vinnie was about to put himself in the firing line.

"Tell them they didn't fucking win."

Rage was palpable in his company, but Cardi was terrified. They had to protect Vinnie, and Mo had to stay to take care of Ash. He knew someone had to call Hollie and let her know, but before he could voice this thought, Vinnie had already stomped out of the waiting room. Mo placed a hand on his arm.

"I'll call her." She smiled, while her eyes drooped. "Go. You go and look after him."

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The van pulled into the car park, and Cardi resisted the urge to puke. He hadn't paid much attention the night before, he had been far too focused on the state of Ash to even think about where they were. He looked up at the hospital entrance, and remembered not too long ago when he'd been dragged out of here by Vinnie, after the chloroform incident. The day he'd found out all of Ash's secrets. The day he'd thought he'd killed him. This time, he might not be so lucky.

JJ gave him a nudge, and they jumped out of the van with Vinnie. Tommo parked next to them, with Dylan and Erin. Cardi was trying to delay taking steps forward, and his gaze across the car park landed on another familiar car. That was a relief, at least. Although... it was about to unveil even more.

They got closer to Ash's room, and Cardi dashed ahead and span on the spot, ready to face his friends.

"What's up, love?" Vinnie asked.

"Um, well, I don't b-b-blame you cause we were all w-w-worried, b-b-but we didn't call someone."

Everyone looked blank until Dylan realised. "Hollie. We didn't call Hollie. Should we?"

"You don't n-n-need to." Cardi told them. "Mo did. She's here now, I s-s-saw the car. Just wanted to warn you cause, well, she's nice. And that's her husband. So b-b-be nice."

Vinnie sighed. "Yeah, yeah you're right, mate. We'll be nice, I promise."

Despite their best efforts, the room was still awkward when they entered. Mo sat to her son's left, holding one hand, and Hollie mirrored her on the right. She couldn't seem to take her eyes off her old friends, the only crack in her resolve. Cardi had joined her first, giving her a warm hug, but her gaze still hadn't shifted.

"Hello, Vin." She managed to force out, slightly inclining her head. He had been her second friend, after Ash, and she had seen him as a brother.

"Hol." He responded. "Long time."

"Yeah." A slight bead balanced in her tear duct, which was enough for Vinnie to abandon any hard feelings. He shot forward and threw himself around her, if he'd been bigger then the force would have crushed her bones to dust. She didn't mind that he began to weep into her hair, he had been the hardest for her to leave behind. He regained his composure and peeled himself away.

"The Right Honourable Mrs Dennings, I suppose we should be calling you now."

Hollie caught Tommo's eye and smirked. "Alright there, Thumbelina." She embraced him and allowed him to kiss her cheek, and pressed their head together for a moment. She knew she was delaying as there was one other person she really didn't know how to respond to.

Before she had to confront that issue, Erin and JJ introduced themselves. Not that they needed to, of course - Ash had photos of them all around her house. She was glad she never had visitors, she'd hate having to explain possessing pictures of people she had never met.

The staring contest between her and Dylan couldn't last long, not with Erin stood right there. "Hello, Dylan." She said, simply.

"Good to see you, Hollie." He stumbled out.

"Yeah. You too." She sniffed. "But not as good as this shirt our Tiny Dancer is wearing, extravagant!" Dylan seemed as glad as she was for a change of subject, and at least with the others she had fallen back into her natural swing. They spoke for a few minutes more before a sudden beep stopped them all in their tracks.

Mo leaned over Ash, investigating. "No. It's nothing. That happens sometimes."

The sombre atmosphere had entered the room once again. For all of them, it was strange to see some woman fussing over their Ash, stroking his head and chatting with his mother. It was stranger still for those who already knew her. The conversation was broken by the arrival of a high-pitched voice from the door.

"Grammy, can I have some change for the vending machine?"

They all arrived at their conclusion separately, though it didn't take any of them very long at all. How could it, when if it weren't for the more angular features there would have been a young female Ash staring back at them, not to mention her calling Mo 'Grammy'. While Mo rose to go with her, Hollie sighed deeply. They all shared a look, and it was hard to miss Cardi's sheepish knowing expression.

"That," Hollie motioned towards the door. "Was Jaime. She's our daughter."

Chapter Text

If Erin was proud of anything, it was her perception and intuition. She could sense a place where her presence wasn't only unnecessary, but actually a barrier. Some girls may have been cautious to leave their partner with the girl they'd been in love with first, but she knew she had nothing to worry about. From the short time she had been here, she could see that Hollie was as brief as possible with Dylan and enamoured with the group as a whole, and clearly worried about and dedicated to Ash.

"Right, I'm gunna go and grab coffee. JJ, you coming?" She looked to the other odd member, who instantly sensed her purpose and nodded. As they exited, Erin grabbed another hand and tugged it along with her. "Come on, Cardi."

When they were out and down the corridor, Cardi expressed his dislike. "I d-d-don't want coffee! W-w-why do I have to come?"

"Because," Erin sighed. "We aren't going for coffee. We are giving them privacy to talk."

"I know that, I'm not s-s-stupid." Cardi sulked. "But I want to b-b-be there."

Erin passed a begging glance to JJ, who took over. "Yeah but Cardi, there's a lot that's unsaid between them. Hollie needs to feel comfortable, not be with strangers. I know you've met her, but they're an old group together, y'know?"

"F-F-FINE!" Cardi yelled, stomping a foot. "I knew everything b-b-before you, anyway!" He added, childishly.

Back in the room, Hollie laughed a little, punctuating the awkward silence the others had created. "It always amuses me that people don't realise how much a hospital echoes. Suppose they've got a point, though." She raised her head, and saw that each of her old friends held a shock in their eyes, processing the reunion with her, and the addition of her daughter. "He didn't tell you about Jaime, did he?"

Vinnie's eyes connected with hers, and he shook his head slowly. "No. He failed to mention that little detail."

Hollie scowled. "Oh Ashley, you fucker. You said you told them everything." She swatted the air around him, clearly frustrated from not being able to actually swat him, and grumbled under her breath. She turned back to the lads, not knowing where to even start. "I'm not good at this. I never expected to see any of you again, so I don't know what to say. But ask me what you want, and I'll answer."

The silence returned for a few moments, each of them clearly deep in thought, before it was broken again by Vinnie. "How old is she?"

Hollie sucked in her lip, knowing the implications of that question. "She's fourteen." She knew Vinnie couldn't do the maths, but there was someone beside him who could, and did.

"So were you pregnant before, or just after you left, then?"

Dylan's eyes drilled into her, but she did everything possible to avoid returning the gaze. "That depends on why you're asking. Trying to work out if me and Ash were shagging before my life fell apart? Deciding just how mad at him you should be? Or have your eyes and brain not connected, and despite her clearly being his child you're wondering if there's a possibility she's yours?"

Vinnie and Tommo looked toward each other with panic, and wished they'd been dragged out of the room too. Their plans that morning had been to visit an injured friend - not to be sideline to a war between lost loves. Seemingly Dylan became aware of this, as his piercing gaze softened and he fidgeted with his hands.

"Obviously she's his... darker skin, black curls, blue eyes, she's the image of him. Just trying to make sense of what happened."

"I don't think the truth would help with that mission." Hollie muttered. "But... before."

Tommo laughed, but everyone knew it wasn't out of amusement. It was sheer disbelief. "So you WERE shagging him before? Because he said you do, but it was like a favour to you! Doesn't sound very much like a favour to me if he got you up the duff before you even disappeared!"

"Do you think I'm discussing my entire sexual history with you, Tiny Tom?" Despite the affectionate nickname, her tone demanded that all pressing on this matter ceased. "I said I'll answer things, but don't push your luck."

"It's weird." Vinnie noted. "She looks fourteen. But, with his DNA, you'd imagine she'd be bigger. So, by that reckoning, she kinda doesn't. Y'know what I mean?"

He watched Hollie shudder and wondered if he too had asked the wrong thing. But her face didn't seem mad, she seemed sad. "There's a reason for that." She leaned up and stroked Ash's face with tenderness. "The day after you all went down the sewers... you confronted Cardi, right? I know he didn't tell you much, but there was something. Something that makes this conversation a little ironic."

Dylan cottoned on first. "He said 'he won't have his phone switched on in hospital'. She's sick, isn't she?"

"Since she was six." Hollie answered. "Cancer. She's not doing too badly at the minute, but we still practically live on the ward with all the appointments she has. I don't want to talk about it too much right now, but yeah."

Although they all moved, Tommo got to her first. He climbed into Hollie's lap and threw his arms around her, hoping his compression would ease some of her pain. After a while, when he felt the time was right, he spoke. "I have a different question."

Hollie gazed up, her blotchy cheeky glistening. "If it's anything regarding shagging, I'll rip your balls off right here."

"Sshhh." He dragged a hand down her face, hoping his attempts to be silly would make her smile. He succeeded. "I was going to ask how much you missed us all."

"Arrogant prick." She shoved him off her lap, but her smile remained. "Don't think there's words for it, actually. I cried for about a month straight. Ash wouldn't let me anywhere near a phone in case I called one of you. Then the tears stopped, but for months after I just felt so hollow. I don't think I smiled again until the moment Jaime was in my arms. Every single day I think of something I wish I could talk to one of you about. There are photos of you all over the house, including ones from long after I was gone. All I've wanted is to be one of the lads again."

"Mum left. Dad's a drunken old mess. Never had a proper girlfriend. But you..." Vinnie walked over and sat cross-legged at her feet. "You were the biggest heartbreak of my life."

Hollie sunk. "I hurt you, I know. I'm so sorry."

"Don't be." Vinnie placed his head on her knee, and allowed her to run her fingers over it. "You were scared."

This jolted Hollie back to her senses and she took Vinnie's chin in hand, and tilted it up to face her. "That reminds me. We need to discuss Terrence McCann."

All feelings had to be banished from the room as they talked about the monster plaguing all of their lives. There were too many facts and details to be distracted by their emotions. Hollie gave them all the information she could about the man who had never left her nightmares, and they absorbed it all intently. That was, until the arrival of a teenager in zombie-mode with her eyes glued to her phone interrupted them.

"Where's your Grammy?" Hollie asked, attempting to bring her back into reality.

"What? Oh, she's outside calling Uncle Niall." She turned her head back to her phone again.

"Jaime!"

"Oh, Mum!" Her attention had now been caught fully, as she slid her phone into her pocket. "No one calls me that anymore. It's JD."

Dylan grimaced. He'd been trying his best to be on board with this whole thing - Ash marrying his first love, sleeping with her even before she was isolated, his first love having the child that he once thought he would have had with her. But here she was, JD - a glaring reminder that she was a Dennings. He felt as though he had been punched in the gut. He'd fallen in love with Hollie Butterworth when he was five years old, which doesn't sound possible but it was true. She had been his whole world for the next ten years, and everything a kid ever dreams of doing when they grow up had included her in some way. When she disappeared, he had been completely crushed and if it hadn't been for the lads, he didn't think he would have recovered. Ash had comforted him, knowing all the while where she was. And now, he had a child with her - the child that was supposed to be Dylan's. He didn't know if he could ever move past this one.

"Say hello to the lads, will you! Don't be ignorant! This is Tommo, Vinnie, and Dylan."

Each of them smiled at her and waved, while she nodded in return. Dylan, however, received a quizzical look from her.

"Huh. It must be you, then."

Dylan faltered. "Uh... what must be me?"

"My name!" Jaime - or JD - smiled, and pointed to herself. "Jaime Dylan. Dad told me I was named after someone, must be you!"

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The gang were gathered at the Dennings' caravan, trying desperately to figure out their next steps. It had been several hours since the reunion with Hollie and meeting JD, and they had all chosen not to tell her that Vinnie was set to replace Ash in the rematch with Joe Blane Jr. They figured between her husband out cold in a hospital bed, a teenage daughter battling cancer, and dangerous killers after her blood, she had enough to worry about.

"You know why Ashley fights, he does it for you lot! To prove himself, despite the fact he fucking hates it. Despite the fact he wants a completely different life because honest to god, this just isn't who he is."

All of Ash's friends felt dread on their shoulders as Vinnie made his point. Mo didn't know that Ash was gay. Niall did, but he despised it so much that he refused to acknowledge the thought. As his eyes darted around the room, Tommo caught sight of a photo he had never noticed before. He wasn't surprised, it was just a polaroid which became overshadowed by bigger frames pushed more prominently forward. But now that he'd seen it, he couldn't mistake the handsome boy in the tux, and the pretty girl in the white dress. They'd had an actual wedding day, and he'd missed it. Ash looked so happy, it was a fist clenched around his heart. Between that photo, and the protestations Ash had made when revealing his secrets, Tommo couldn't be quite sure that Vinnie's statement was really valid. He knew what he meant, but maybe he didn't want things to be completely different.

"He just wants to be happy, living the life he wants to live, Mo."

That part felt true, at least. But Tommo still wasn't sure how well they knew what the life Ash wanted to live was. The best guess he could surmise right now, was to have his family with Hollie and JD minus any of the danger, and still be able to go out and be himself. He was almost thankful that Vinnie couldn't go any further, as Niall hauled him out of the door.

"What you gunna do? You gunna give me a good hiding like you did his lover?"

"He's not fucking gay!" Niall growled. "He has Hollie! and Jaime! He has to be a real man! This is just a phase, a funny phase, it'll pass-"

"A funny phase, are you fucking mad?" Vinnie protested. "You just can't accept him for what he is, your own brother! He can be married to Hollie, he can even love her, and be gay. He can be Jaime's father, and be gay. He can be a real man, and be gay. And I'll tell you right now, he's more of a man than you'll ever be."

With that, Niall shoved Vinnie into the side of the caravan in frustration, which made everyone follow outside.

"That's what bothers you! And I'm telling you right now, it's never been a problem for us, that's why he loves us! Hollie, some bloke, or both! We don't give a shit, he's our friend and we love him, don't you think you should feel the same!?"

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Ash felt a spider - or perhaps it was a fly - crawl across the skin on the back of his hand. He made to knock it aside, but found he was too weak to move. He peeled back his eyelids, his sight fixed firmly on the spot he felt the invasion, and was pleasantly surprised to find it was his wife's finger.

"That stroking's annoying love, it woke me up." He murmured.

He was confused by the relief he saw flood her face, and he couldn't help but notice that she looked exhausted. She hadn't been that drained since Jaime had last been edging death, but she was doing okay right now. That thought, however, prompted Ash to take a look at his surroundings - noting that this time, it was him in a hospital bed. He had no clue how he had ended up here, wracked his brain for possibilities and came up with one - that Billy or McCann had caught up with him, and doled out some punishment.

Hollie still hadn't spoken, but tears stained her face as her grin spread from ear to ear. "I'm sorry, love. Did they get away? Did they hurt anyone else?"

"I... what? Did who?" Hollie choked out, clearly not fully adjusted yet to the fact he was awake.

"Billy, McCann, whichever of them did this." Ash gestured to himself the best he could, although found he was still extremely sore.

Hollie rolled her eyes, an image he was used to but didn't expect at this moment. "They didn't do this. You don't remember, do you?" At her husband's blank expression, she continued. "Technically, you did it. Fighting? Money and family honour? The Blane's might have spiked you, but you agreed to the fight in the first place, you fucking moron."

Ash had heard people talk about their memories flooding back, but that wasn't quite how he experienced it. It felt more like jigsaw pieces, individually slotting themselves into the puzzle until it was clear enough that he could see the picture. He did agree to fight, and it had been a tough one. He vaguely remembered his water tasting slightly different, but he thought it had mingled with his sweat and the not-so-delicate aromas that had permeated Jim's barn. He had become really tired... and then he woke up because she was stroking his hand.

"Can I just ask..." A half-smirk formed on Ash's lips as she spoke, because all trace of worry had now left her voice, and what replaced it was the stereotypical nagging wife. "What the fuck it is you thought you were doing? Because your Mammy informs me that you've done this loads of times! Without my knowledge! Why the fuck would you go and do this, knowing you've a wife and daughter at home who love you to death, and have been out of their minds with worry?!"

Ash pouted at her, and hoped it would stem some of her building rage. She had every right to be mad, of course she did, but it was just the life he lived. He had honestly never thought he would be so badly injured that it would impact her. "You love me to death?" He asked knowingly, and fluttered his eyelashes at her.

Hollie sighed. "Of course I do. You know I do. You're my Ashley. There's no other words for it."

"Ah! Are there other words for it, though?" Ash tried to shift himself into a more upright position. "Because the lads asked me if I loved you, and I said yeah, and then I got all confused. Because it's not being in love like people expect, but it's more than I love them, more than anyone so."

"Even more than-"

Ash cut her off with a growl. "Different than, then. I think I said you were the other half of my soul or something."

"Oh Ashley Dennings, you old romantic." She cackled. "You might be right, though. Speaking of the lads... they were here. Well, and Erin, but I suppose she counts as one of them."

"You saw them?" Ash became very intrigued. "You spoke to them? How did it go?"

Hollie mused on whether or not to tell Ash about Dylan's timing question, and their tension. She decided the appropriate moment would present itself. "Yeah, it was okay. Bit emotional. We did hugs. It was really lovely... other than you not telling them about Jaime, that is." She finished with a rather stern look in his direction, and he felt himself wilt.

"I... I didn't know how to. Everything was a lot for them to wrap their heads around as it was. To tell them I'd been keeping her a secret for fourteen years... besides, you know Dylan would have done the maths and found out what happened. He'd see that as a big betrayal."

And there it was. The appropriate moment.

"He did, do the maths I mean."

Ash had already been pale while he had laid in the hospital, but Hollie watched him pale further. "Shit. Does he hate me now?"

Hollie wanted to comfort him - but she didn't want to lie. "I don't know, love. He didn't seem best pleased. But I didn't tell them exactly what happened, Tommo pushed but I refused to answer."

Ash nodded. "So I'll have some explaining to do at some point. Dylan's never going to speak to me again."

"I wouldn't be so sure." Hollie tilted her head at him. "He seemed to soften when our 'JD' told him her name."

"She told him?" Ash smiled slightly. "So I guess you'll also have some explaining to do. Ah, love and it's many forms."

Hollie busied herself with shuffling his belongings around. She had more to tell him but knew how awkward he would feel, and spared him the exposure of looking at him when he discovered it. "It does have I suppose. Like your Mammy. She came up to chat with you."

"Course she did, she's Mammy" Ash grinned.

"It seems..." Hollie rooted in the bottom of a bag of clothes she had brought. "Someone has let slip that you're a full paid up member of the rainbow squad." She didn't know if it was confusion from the head injury, or sheer shock and terror, but he didn't respond. She took a discreet glance towards him, and what she saw told her it was the latter. "Stop panicking." She said, turning back to her task. "It went well. She said if that's who you are, what you like, then she can live with it because you're her son."

A sob brought her attention back to her husband, who was crying into his hands. "Oh, Ash." She crawled in beside him, resting her head on his chest. It was a position they had been in many times over the years, but had rarely been as important as this. "Although she did say not to be out here acting like Graham Norton, whatever the fuck that means."

"I still can't believe I've lost all that money." Ash grumbled after a while.

"You haven't, not yet. They scheduled a rematch."

"That's surprisingly good of them." Ash scoffed. "When for?"

"Today."

"Well I can't fucking fight today, can I? I'm just about seeing one of you."

Hollie bit her lip. "Not you. Vinnie's fighting."

Ash's eyes turned to thunder. "Get your fucking car keys."

"Nope." Hollie grinned. "I've got a quicker way. Follow me."

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Tommo didn't even know what he was going to say. All he knew was, that after leaving the hospital and dropping everyone at home, he had carried on driving and found himself here. He didn't feel comfortable with all of the caravans surrounding him while he was alone, so he hurried his feet despite his reluctance. Eventually, he found Niall sitting outside, tending to a fire.

"How do."

Niall jumped, and looked up at Tommo. "Alright there, Tommo. Come to see the invalid, have ya?"

"I have." Tommo took another seat at the fire regardless. "How's he doing?"

"So so. Seems alright for a bit, then chucks his guts up." Niall prodded the fire. "That's why he's staying here. Hollie and Jaime need their sleep without worrying about him, apparently."

"Aye. Hollie did look knackered when I saw her. He loves them, doesn't wanna worry them."

Niall ground his teeth, evidently tortured by something. "Do you think I'm a cunt?"

Tommo panicked, like he always did when someone called him out. "Eh?"

"That scuffle with Vin the other day. When I said... what I said about Ashley. Do you think I'm a cunt?"

Not for the first time, Tommo wished to god he had just gone home instead of coming here. How could he possibly answer that question without getting his head kicked in? Niall might be slacking, but he was still a lot bigger than him. "No." He said eventually. "I don't think you're a cunt. I don't understand why you think the way you do, and I'll always be mad at you for how you've made him feel. But I don't feel you've reached the sparkling level of cunt yet."

Niall nodded, much to Tommo's relief. "Fair. I don't always understand either. Something about it... I dunno, maybe Vinnie was right. Maybe not. I'm not even that bothered when it's other people. But when it's Ashley? He has a good life, a normal life, on a plate for him. I love him, despite what you all think, I don't want him to fuck it up."

Tommo pondered this for a moment. It sounded an awful lot like an excuse someone might use... except he had heard Niall's voice crack, not that he would dare to remark on it. As much as he wanted to fight him on it, he believed him. "Have you ever thought - maybe you don't hate it? Maybe, you're just scared for him?" At Niall's raised eyebrow, he continued. "I mean, the hetero life is all you've ever known, right? It's what you're used to. And bad things can happen, course they can, but you've never seen someone get attacked for being straight. He's your brother, you love him, and you want him to pick the safe option."

Niall stayed quiet, but there was some definite resonance on his face.

"But trying to beat it out of him, or anyone else, isn't going to make your brother stop sucking cock. Now, I'm gunna go in and see him." He slapped a hand to Niall's shoulder, being careful not to hit the bad one, and took his stand.

Just as he reached the door, Niall turned. "Is it you?" He questioned.

"Is what me?"

Niall shook his head. "Nothin'. Go on now, inside with ya."

Tommo entered the caravan feeling completely bemused. He found Ash laid on the sofa, his back to him and a well-placed bucket near his head.

"Niall, make us another juice, would ya?" His voice groaned.

All of that time Tommo had wondered what he was going to say was wasted. All control left his body as the question he hadn't even known was haunting him leapt out of his mouth.

"You shagged her before she left?"

The body slowly turned around to face him "Tom, I... what?"

"You heard me." Tommo doubled down. "You shagged her before she left."

Ash groaned again. "Fine, if you wanna have this conversation now, at least get me some juice and help me sit up."

Even in his desperate state, Tommo couldn't help but do what he was asked. He placed the juice on the table and heaved Ash's body upright, and lingered slightly before pulling away. He watched him sip the juice, and again, before his impatience got the better of him. "Well?!"

"Yeah." Ash took another sip. "I did. It was only one time... but once is enough. Hence Jaime."

Tommo's leg bounced so uncontrollably that his whole body began to shake. "Why?" He finally croaked out.

"She was heartbroken. Dylan had just dumped her so he could take out Sarah Hope, a fact I'm sure he is conveniently forgetting right now."

"Oh, yeah." Tommo remembered. "We all went mad at him that day. So what, that was the first of many favours you did her?"

Ash stayed quiet, he couldn't bring himself to respond when he heard so much venom in Tommo's voice. Every single member of the group could be a nasty bastard when they wanted to be, they had all said really hurtful things or spoke to each other in a way that wasn't okay. He could take it from all of the others, but never from Tommo. It always cut him that much deeper when it was him.

Tommo sensed his own tone, took a deep breath and rubbed his forehead. "Ashley." He said, in a much calmer tone. "Please, sweetheart, I need to know what it was."

"Dylan asked out Sarah Hope. Who did you ask out that day?"

"Fuck knows, I asked a lot of people out." Tommo sighed, thinking for a moment. "Wait, was it Carrie? Carrie White?"

"It was." Ash grimaced, and took another sip, although the glass shook in his grip. "And do you remember what you did the night before?"

"Well, we had that party in Jim's field so... no. I was wasted."

"Ah. Well let me remind you, so. You kissed me. A lot. I said you were too drunk, you said you weren't, and that you'd always wanted me. We..." Ash wiped a tear away. "We did stuff. And after, you were really tender with me and you told me you loved me."

Tommo spotted Ash's tears, but didn't realise that he had also begun to cry. "And then I forgot." He whispered.

"And then you forgot."

Their conversation was interrupted as Ash's injuries took over once more, and he threw his head over the bucket and spewed several times. Tommo held onto him, wiped the sweat from his brow, and grabbed the tissues for his mouth. When it was done, Tommo joked, "I don't think that juice is doing you any good." He rested his chin on Ash's shoulder, and closed his eyes. He wanted to remain this close to him, without having to return to the inevitable pain.

"No. It wasn't a favour, at least not just for her. We both needed comfort. I was heartbroken too."

Ash began to slump, so Tommo moved him back into a lying position and crouched beside him. "You loved me?" He asked.

"I never stopped." And with that, Ash was asleep in front of him. Tommo placed a kiss to his fingers, and traced it along Ash's head. He stood, and found Niall standing at the door.

"I knew it was you." He said, in a blank tone with his eyes to the floor.

"Now, Niall-"

"I'm not gunna hit ya." Niall huffed. "But back then, someone made my brother sadder than I've ever seen him. Seems it was you. Just go, let him get some sleep."

Tommo ran so fast he thought he was flying. When he reached the car, he didn't know if it was watching Ash spew or the emotional pain of what he had heard, but he covered the pavement with his own vomit. He threw himself into the drivers seat, sent out a text, then screamed and hit himself repeatedly until JJ arrived to save him.

Chapter Text

"Knock knock!"

Vinnie rolled his eyes. "Why the fuck say that when your head's already halfway through the door?"

"Sorry." Hollie smirked, stepping inside completely. "Thought you might not be decent, then realised I couldn't pass up the opportunity."

"Everyone always wants to see my knob! You'd think it's got a TV on it. Not that I'm not pleased to see you, love, but what you doing here?" He asked.

Hollie shuffled towards him, doubting herself. She had thought coming to visit was the right thing, thought that the lads had accepted her back and everything would just swing into it's natural rhythm again. Perhaps they hadn't forgiven her quite as easily as she had thought, maybe it would take more work for them to trust and accept her again. Although, Dylan didn't look quite as uncomfortable as he had before about being in her presence.

"Well, y'know...you're lying here with broken ribs and god knows what else. Thought the least I could do is show my face." She leaned over and planted a gentle kiss on his forehead. "You took a beating for my husband. Thankyou."

"Anytime." Vinnie chuckled. "Actually, no, not any time. It fucking hurts. Someone else can do it next time."

"There won't be a bloody next time!" Hollie became pointed, and amused that they still wilted under her strict tone. "If Ashley so much as thinks about fighting again, I'll save his opponent a job and knock his teeth out."

Dylan gazed at Hollie, still quite unsure of how to process her re-appearance in his life. He had genuinely believed he would never see her again, his intrusive thoughts creeping in now and again to convince him she was dead. And yet here she was, in front of him. Her appearance defied logic, as although it was obvious she had aged she still looked exactly the same to him. The blonde bob full of curls, that if she straightened would be past her shoulder blades. The red lipstick she had been rocking ever since she got her hands on one at eleven years old. The heart-shaped face that he had held in his hands so many times. Part of him wanted to greet her the way the others had been given a chance to, sobbing into her jacket and telling her how pleased and relieved he was to see her again. Something told him he wasn't allowed to. Why did he feel, after all these years, a current still ran through the air between them?

"Do you want me to leave you two to talk?" He asked.

Hollie shook her head, finally revealing a smile for him. "Don't be silly, Dilly." She was struck herself by how easily a phrase she hadn't used in fifteen years slipped out of her mouth. But then again, it was easy enough to stop when she wasn't in his company. Now that she was here, she couldn't help but feel a bond with her Silly Dilly.

"How did you even know I was fighting? We specifically didn't tell you, thought you had enough going on."

"Come on now, Vin." Hollie waved with a proud smile. "I'm a Dennings now, remember?" She swung herself onto the bed, to top and tail with him. Even if they didn't want her back just yet, she was going to force her way in. "You really think Niall didn't call me to have a bitch-fit after your little run in with him?"

"Oh, bollocks." Vin huffed. "Forgot about that. What came of it?"

"Well," She helped herself to his chocolate. "I'm sure you can imagine what he was saying. So I called him a cunt. Told him Ash can be whoever the fuck he wants to be. It did some good, though. Mo figured it out and came to see him. Gave him this big speech about it being okay, not that he heard any of it. I did though, filled him in afterwards. So you did him a favour."

"What I still can't believe," Dylan interjected, hoping to rebuild as much as possible. "Is that you stole a bloody ambulance! I know you've always been one of us, but that?!" He laughed.

Hollie couldn't help but join in his laughter. "Yeah, it was a bit mad. But I had to show you all I could still belong with you, if you'd have me." Her nerves teetered as she offered these words, knowing it put them on the spot.

"Hol." Vinnie spluttered out a cough, and gripped her leg tightly. "You will always belong with us." Once he saw her relax, he snorted. "If we'd have you, don't be so bloody thick."

The air hung heavy, but not in the way that Hollie had become familiar with over the years away and all of the trauma. It felt thick with a quiet yet unrelenting love, grounding and security. Something she had been pondering ever since she saw their faces again.

"I've been thinking, actually." She bit her lip, though there was really no contemplation on going through with this that she had to do. She had known her decision from the minute her foot pressed down in the drivers seat of that ambulance. "About being one of you. And not literally, cause I happen to like my house and all but... I wanna come home."

Vinnie and Dylan shared a look before glancing back to Hollie, whose emotion was evident on her face. "What exactly-" Dylan began to ask, but she cut him off immediately.

"I want to be one of the lads again, properly. I want to hang out with you, come on jobs with you, walk around Hawley again. I want my mates back."

Vinnie nodded, but his brow furrowed as he thought. "We'd love that, you know we would. But you do realise how much risk you're putting yourself at? McCann was here, y'know. Last night."

"Was he?" Hollie tried not to visibly shudder at the mention of his name, or have her voice quiver as she spoke. "What did he do?"

"Put his shoe on my head. No, I'm fucking serious!" Vinnie chuckled at her face. "Basically told me he wants the money I owe him, but after that he doesn't want to hear of me ever again."

Hollie sighed. "I was the one who made Ash keep secrets. Do you know why I agreed he could tell you? Because Cardi showed up at my door, and promised me you'd all try your best to protect me and each other. You would, wouldn't you?"

"Of course we would." Dylan protested, while Vinnie viciously nodded.

"Then fuck McCann." Hollie grimaced. "I've spent long enough hiding from him, and Billy Butterworth. Let them try and get me, I've got my boys back. And I'm coming the fuck home."

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Hollie stepped out of the van, and paused in place. She hadn't been back in Hawley since she left, and here she was in front of The Crow's Nest - the same pub they hung around in as teenagers, because they knew they could get a lager if they behaved themselves. The sight of the street, the smell of alcohol and the bakery over the road, the sounds of chatter inside - it all hit her like a truck.

"What's up? The lads are waiting inside, remember?" Vinnie noticed her lack of movement, and realised it may not be the best idea. "Look, it's not a big deal. You're not walking into McCann's house, this is our house. But if you do wanna change your mind now, now of us will blame you. It's not too late to get back in that van and have me take you home."

"It's not that." Hollie said quietly. "It's... Auntie Kath."

"Oh, shit." None of them had considered the fact that behind the bar would be Hollie's godmother, who also happened to be completely unaware of what became of her goddaughter or best friend. "I'm sure it'll be fine. If not, Tommo can give her some Valium."

Hollie sniffed, and Vinnie wasn't quite sure if it was a feeble laugh or an attempt not to cry. "Come on, then. I'm ready."

As they stepped inside, the lads almost ignored her presence, as they had been briefed to do. Drawing attention to her was the last thing they wanted, so normality was their byword. It therefore didn't make much sense to them that Vinnie pressed a finger to his lips, until he inclined his head in Kath's direction and one by one, they all caught on.

"Now, Katherine..." Kath barely acknowledged the fact that Vinnie spoke. "I need you to not be cross please, love."

"Oh what is it now?" Kath grumbled. "I'm telling you now Vinnie, if you want me to stash more stuff away for you, you can piss off."

Before he could answer, Hollie stepped out from her spot hiding behind him. She tried not to crumble when she saw the look of shock on her godmothers face. "Hello, Auntie Kath."

It was quite the sight for all the lads to watch the reunion between Hollie and Kath. It even took Tommo's mind off how tortured he had felt before her arrival. Ash hadn't took their confrontations of each other very well, and had been expressing bitterness at every turn. It seemed he wanted nothing more right now than to make Tommo feel as awkward as possible, which he supposed he deserved. Certainly, he thought he'd deserved much worse that night in the car, until JJ arrived and had held him while he cried. He had listened to Tommo spill his secret of always having loved Ash, but never doing anything about it - at least, to his memory. And then knowing they had, but he had screwed it all up. JJ told Tommo how he couldn't punish himself for something that happened fifteen years ago, that it was okay to feel love, and that he just needed to give things some time. He had been watching Tommo like a hawk every since, waiting for the slight fumble in his demeanour so he could step in and rescue him.

Hollie took her place at the bar, between Tommo and Ash. He had told her, of course, about what had played out at the caravan. She had simply reminded him that he knew it had to come out at some point, especially after the revelation of the timing of her pregnancy. While she saw it as a positive, that maybe they could finally put the past behind them and the boys could be together, Ash wasn't on the same page. He was hurt by the confrontation, and hurt more by having to relive the experience that had created it all. It brought back his old anger, fuelled further since Tommo hadn't attempted to make the first move and put it right. He wasn't ready to forgive yet, which Hollie thought was an exercise in childishness. After being married to him for so many years though, she knew it was pointless to try and force anything. The best she could do was try and minimise his damage.

A smartly dressed woman entered the pub, and Tommo shot off like a rocket. Hollie was baffled until Ash spoke to her.

"You're after Tommo, are you? He's just gone, he's literally just ran over there."

Hollie elbowed Ash in the ribs, unaware of the context but not being completely without braincells. Tommo clearly didn't want to see or speak to this woman, and Ash was grassing him up out of his own petty mood.

"I'm not shagging her!" Tommo yelled, and Hollie became angrier still. While the others engaged in conversation, she gripped Ash by the arm and began to furiously whisper into his ear.

"What the fuck are you playing at? I swear to god Ashley Dennings, if you don't grow up I'll... I'll call your Mammy!"

Hollie watched with interest as the group navigated a deal. Sure, they'd all been up to illegal stuff when she was around and Ash told her stories of the jobs they did now, but she'd never actually seen it play out. It ignited a fire in her that she thought had been extinguished a long time ago.

"Well, you said you wanted in." Vinnie smirked to her afterwards. "What a day for you to show your face, eh? Fish theft it is!"

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"Right, you all know what you're doing?" Vinnie asked everyone before they left the van. Following an array of hums, he turned to Hollie. "You sure about this, Hol? For today only, you have to be married to Tom." He pulled a face that made them both laugh.

Tommo made a noise of frustration. "Vincent, we all know! Can we just go, these two are scaring the shit out of me!"

"Right, come on then, new husband!" Hollie said cheerily.

"Yeah, whatever." Tommo grumbled in return, and she sensed it had to do with more than just Pinky and Perky.

Once inside the pet shop, Hollie was distracted from her thoughts by her amazement at Tommo's acting. Ever the opportunist, she joined in quickly, and they found themselves in a rhythm of chaos. Old memories flooded back to her, how as teens they were always the ones to be loud and aggressive for the good of the group. To keep from breaking out into a grin, she began arguing with a cashier as Tommo flicked the managers badge with sheer determination.

Outside, the lads had collected everything they needed and were loading up the van ready to leave.

"What about Tommo?" Ash asked.

JJ scoffed. "What about Tommo? Not, what about your wife?"

"Never mind them." Vinnie laughed, glancing through the window. "They're both having a great time."

When the confrontation wound down and they left the shop - still in possession of Pinky and Perky - they began the short walk back.

"You were brilliant in there." Hollie laughed. "Proper went for it, like."

"Hmm." Tommo murmured, dismissively.

"What, no 'you were good, too' then, eh?"

"Y'know..." Tommo spun on the spot to face her, and he didn't look pleased. "We could just walk in silence. It wouldn't kill us." He sauntered ahead, clearly satisfied with his decision. A part of Hollie wanted to fight him on his attitude, the old version of her certainly would have done. Things felt different now, and she desperately wanted to keep her place, so she did what he asked.

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JJ dipped the net into the water carefully, but felt put off his game by the tension in the room. Ash and Tommo stood side by side yet refused to say two words to each other. He knew he had to do something.

"While we're here," He approached delicately. "It might be a good idea for you two to get whatever you need out of your system. I know it's uncomfortable, yeah, but the rest of us are walking on bloody eggshells."

He was grateful neither of them tried to fight him on it or claim ignorance. Ash started the conversation. "It's just typical Tommo behaviour, isn't it? He's so focused on his own feelings that he doesn't realise it isn't about him."

The bucket Tommo was holding wobbled in the water. "I'm not just thinking about my own feelings, actually. Do you know I threw up next to my car after we spoke? Because I knew I'd hurt you."

"He was a screaming wreck when I arrived, mate." JJ added. "He was punching himself in the head and everything. I had to slap him to calm down."

"Exactly. HE was a screaming wreck, HE needed calming down. Is anyone thinking about what I needed? I've kept my mouth shut all this time to keep the peace, but why should I? I didn't do anything wrong." Ash sulked.

"Didn't do anything wrong?" Tommo started to get agitated, and tossed a bucket at Ash's shoulder. "Keeping your mouth shut is part of the problem! Maybe if you'd said something years ago, I could have done something about it then and made it better! Instead you kept it locked up with all your other secrets and then bring it out to punish me with like some gay, bulky Miss Havisham!"

Ash crinkled his nose, not willing to admit that he didn't have a clue who Miss Havisham was. "For fuck sake, I was trying to keep the peace! Keep the group together! I didn't bring it out, you started asking me questions!" He huffed. "Like you could have done anything to make it better." He sneered.

"Maybe I could."

"Yeah, like what?"

Tommo opened his mouth, then thought better of it. Instead, he took a big gulp and shook his head. "What's the fucking point? Too late now."

Silence filled the shed as Ash and JJ stared at him, willing him to say something. Their hope ran out when a phone rang with an urge to hurry.

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"Right, we need some proof of death or something, show Daphne we've done the job." Vinnie told them.

Hollie grinned, hit with an idea. "I've got it. All of you, out. Except Tommo."

Tommo grumbled, disgruntled at the idea of staying behind with her. Unlike earlier, Hollie chose to take it in her stride, as her little talk with JJ earlier had illuminated her. "What we doing then?" He asked, with a hint of disinterest.

"Well, you two have shagged, right? And she keeps sending you hints."

"Don't fucking remind me." He growled.

Hollie wasn't put off by his mood. "Well, I say we have a sexy little photoshoot. Come on, shirt off." She ordered. Tommo did as he was told, but his poses for the camera were anything but sexy. Bored and pissed off is the way Hollie would have put it. "Okay, fine. If you're going to insist on being a child, then we are going to have this out right now. Put the damn fish back."

Tommo rolled his eyes. "I dunno what the fuck you're talking about." He stated, but he plopped the fish back into the tank.

"Yes, you do. You've been funny with me ever since you and Ash had your little heart to heart. Don't deny it!" She became more stern as he set his face to argue. "Now, if you're both going to be off with each other then that's none of my fucking business. But it's nothing to do with me, so stop treating me like a knobhead. If you've got anything to say to me, now's your chance."

Tommo sat silently for a moment, staring at the wall. "You're taking him away from me!" He blurted out eventually.

"Taking him... Tommo, I'm not taking him anywhere. I've never stopped him being around you."

"Maybe not. But he shags you, doesn't he? He kisses you, holds you, he loves you! He married you!" With each statement he made, more and more emphasis was added to the 'you', which didn't go unnoticed. Each one was like a slap in Hollie's face.

"Tommo... do you want me to stop sleeping with Ashley?"

"What good would it do?" He sighed. "He still loves you. I saw your wedding photo at Mo's. He looked so happy. I can't..."

Hollie tried to resist crying. Ash had promised her a forever, a long time ago. But then and now she knew it wasn't like most people's forever, it just wasn't the same for them. She couldn't bear seeing what this was doing to two of her favourite people.

"I love Ashley, but I also love you. If us being intimate makes you unhappy, it stops. It's done. I know I've not been around for so long, but I never stopped loving you, mate. Hurting you is not something I'm good with." She took a big breath, before saying what she needed to try and persuade him. "Ashley loves me, yes. But he has always loved you more. Still does. So we are two best friends that are married by law, so fucking what. I was always prepared for him one day being with you, in fact I hoped for it. Tommo, are you in love with him?"

Tommo closed his eyes. "Yes. Always have been."

"Right. Then I'm telling you now Thumbelina, you better grow a pair and go and get your man! Just, after we've done these photos, yeah?"

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In the pub, everyone celebrated their job done well. Happy faces surrounded the bar, except for one. Hollie scowled at Tommo, who still hadn't done exactly what she'd asked. She knew not everyone was as quick to act on something as she was, but she was growing impatient - she had been waiting for this moment for nineteen years, after all. Ever since the day Tommo had appeared in their lives, and she had watched Ash light up like a Christmas tree. She tugged at Tommo's sleeve expectantly, only for him to turn looking offended.

"What? What you yanking at me for?" He half-yelled.

Hollie glared at him and kept her voice low. "When are you going to say something? I feel like I'm gunna piss myself with excitement here, get it done!" She urged him.

"What, you think I should do this here?" Tommo lowered his voice too, and looked daunted by the prospect. "Everyone will hear!"

"So? I think that's exactly what he needs, proves to him that he means more to you than just a secret, drunken shag in a field!"

Tommo wilted, as everyone always did under Hollie's commands. "Fine! But what do I say?"

There was no time for Hollie to answer, as at that moment Cardi burst through the door in a fit of frustration. They all watched as Vinnie calmed him down, and mentioned that they were celebrating.

"Never mind." Tommo leaned in to Hollie. "I know exactly what to say." He moved himself back into the centre of the room, and grabbed everyone's attention. "Oi, you lot! Speaking of celebrating, I have something I want to say."

"Oh, here we go." Dylan scoffed. "How pissed is he?"

"You can talk." Hollie scolded him. "I've heard what you get like when you've been on the sniff. Go'ed, Tom."

Tommo smiled warmly at her, a sight that knocked them all for six. They were used to seeing him smirk, or sneer, but never smile. "I just wanted to say that yes, we got the fish, and isn't that just wonderful. But we've had something better happen, something even bigger to celebrate. We got our Holliepop back, and by god isn't that just the best feeling ever."

His announcement was punctuated by cheers, from all except Hollie who eyed him eagerly for the rest.

"Thing is, I forgot how much I needed her around. She's always managed to get through to me. Make me see things I might have been blind to." Tommo gulped, and turned to face Ash. "Dylan's first football match. I'd known you all for a few weeks. You were wearing this blue t-shirt that really matched your eyes, and I couldn't stop looking at either of them. I. Never. Stopped."

He took a few steps forward, and found his legs threatened to buckle.

"Ashley, I am so unbelievably sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I forgot about the party, I'm sorry that I wasn't brave enough to admit how I felt and tried everything I could to cover it up, and I'm so sorry that I've made you feel like you're alone. Because I promise you, you're not. I know this might have taken too long, and you're well within your rights to tell me to fuck off, but you deserve to know anyway. Ashley Dennings, I am in love with you and have been ever since I saw you in a blue t-shirt when we were eleven years old. I never stopped."

While an answer hung in the air, Hollie had to stop from giggling at the bemused faces on everyone except for JJ, who was waiting in anticipation as much as she was. She wanted to scream at Ash, tell him to get it over with. Almost on cue, he looked to her for permission, and she pulled a face as if to say 'Really? Big boy pants!' as she often did.

"Blue isn't even my colour." He said, raising one eyebrow.

"Everything is your col-" Tommo was cut off by Ash grabbing and kissing him, while the group descended into mass noise of whistles, cheering and excited chatter.

A voice behind Hollie's ear broke her staring. "You okay with this?"

"Okay with it?" She turned to face Dylan, who was leaning on the bar towards her. She noticed their proximity, but couldn't seem to move from it. "This is what I've always wanted."

Chapter Text

Dylan honestly didn't know who was more entertained by his silly behaviour - Tyler, or himself. He often found himself engaging in silly voices or play acting in some attempt to make the boy smile. He had known before even asking Erin out, when he was just contemplating the idea, that becoming involved with her would mean playing a big part in Tyler's life. It may be a thought that could be daunting to some, but whilst he took it seriously it had never been a factor that made him think twice. In the modern world, lots of people had kids and didn't stay together, so that was always going to be a possibility in a dating partner. He had always loved kids, they brought out a side of him that he usually thought had died over the years of 'growing up'. Besides, he already had a relationship with Tyler - they had all been around since well before he was born, and been surrogate uncles to him from the start. He didn't think it had been possible to adore him more, but then he became his stepdad, and suddenly this boy became his entire world. It was the reason he felt so guilty about what he would confront after stepping over the threshold, but a reason he knew he had to. He left the house, travel bag in hand, and made his way to Hawley Park.

"You never did like those swings, did you?" He grinned, at the sight of Hollie crinkling her nose at them.

"Can you blame me? They took half my pissing hair out." She turned to gaze at him, a weak smile on her face. She looked as though she hadn't slept much, but he knew better than to mention that to a woman. He did wonder if it was the constant worry she must be feeling, or if she'd partied a bit too hard with the lads last night before agreeing to meet him so early. He hoped it was the latter.

"Suppose not." He handed her a takeaway coffee that he had picked up on the way, and she smiled gratefully. "What time did you get home last night?" Her sheepish look answered that question for him. "You haven't been home, have you?"

"Home is where the heart is." Hollie winked, then winced at her own head movement. "Nah. Things got a bit late and heavy, thought there was no point if I was meeting you so early. So really, this is your fault."

Dylan smirked. "I see. And the truth now, if you would?" He tried not to show too much amusement as she rolled her eyes.

"I just... didn't want to leave them. In case..."

"Do you really think them lot are gunna let you go now?" He cut her off. "They've only just got you back. Don't be so fucking dense."

Hollie nodded, and took a sip of her coffee. "And you? Come on Dilly, it's a bit fucking obvious you've felt weird around me." When he didn't answer, she swung a kick at his heel. "Oi, you brought me here to talk, right? So come on, get shit off your chest."

Dylan sighed, and tried not to think about how close they had been over the bar the previous night. Instead, he thought about the girlfriend and stepson he had left in bed, but pushed down the twang of guilt that came with it. "I'm happy you're back, I am. Especially since it means I know now that you didn't die or something. I think it's just a lot to get my head around. I've loved you all my life, and when you come back, I have Erin and Tyler and you have Ash and JD..." He gulped as he mentioned JD, knowing what he wanted to ask but not sure whether to just drop it in out of nowhere. "Like, we have these different lives now, right? Different than what we thought they would be. I always thought it'd be me and you settled with the kids."

Hollie wanted to smack him, for his apparent loss of memory and 'woe-is-me' performance. Instead, she bit back her frustration save for a roll of the eyes, and quietly reminded him of something. "My vanishing wasn't what broke that. You did, remember? You dumped me."

The truth came flooding back to Dylan, an incident he had forgotten because it had seemed so insignificant at the time. He had been stupid, had wanted to get a fling out of his system, and regretted it instantly. He had never thought it would be a permanent break-up. When she disappeared, he had spiralled beyond measure and held his behaviour as a reason, before eventually blocking it out in order to move on with his life. He debated telling her all of this, but he knew it wouldn't ease her feelings about it, only his own. "I'm sorry." He said, simply.

"S'alright. Long time ago." She smiled at him again, the weak one that made him in turn feel weak. "All I need to know is if me being around now bothers you."

Dylan thought about how he could answer that. What came to his mind was the night they had followed Ash. "Do you know when it was that we first saw you again?"

"When you followed Ashley. The day before you all stole a bloody Shetland pony and Cardi nearly killed my husband. Titt is a fitting surname."

Dylan laughed. "Suppose it is. Well, we were all panicking a bit. Thinking, what the fuck has he got involved with here? Saw the kissing, all of us completely blindsided... and then I recognised you."

Hollie simply stared at him. She already knew this part of the story, and he knew that, but she figured there was a reason he was going over it again. She said nothing, not wanting to scare him off his flow.

"For a second, I was so shocked to see you that I forgot what was happening in front of my face. It was like frozen, y'know? All I could think was oh my god, it's my Holliepop. And when I said it out loud, I felt like I was the only one who would remember you. Like I'd made you up in my head, because it had been so long since any of us had talked about you. It hurt too much. So I said, to Vin and Tommo, isn't that Hollie Butterworth from school? Thinking they might tell me I was wrong, it was wishful thinking. But they didn't."

After thinking of them all every day, it hurt Hollie to know that her name had become an unspoken part of their past, that Dylan had needed to clarify who he meant. That was, until another thought struck her - if they hadn't denied his claims, they had never forgotten her, and were prepared for her to be in their lives again. Since seeing them at the hospital, she had doubted their willingness to have her back, so that warmed her heart.

"And then, Vin was really mad with Ash for keeping secrets, he was pacing outside the car ranting - you know what he gets like. And we were all talking him down, talking him through it, trying to make sense of it I guess. But do you know what baffled him the most?" Dylan finally raised his eyes to Hollie, and she shook her head softly. "Just the simple fact it was a woman. I tried to make him see it wasn't a big deal, Tommo told him off about labels, and he kept sticking to his point. Not once did any of us mention how weird it was that is was you, your name didn't even come up."

Hollie didn't know what to do with that information. She had just reassured herself that she hadn't been forgotten, and now had to confront that she had been dismissed. Her hands began to shake, so she stuck them in her pockets to avoid Dylan seeing them. She wanted to hear everything he had to say, and this might be the only chance they got.

"At least... our mouths didn't say it. Not there. But when I looked at him, Hol... Vinnie's eyes were full of it. Tears dangling on the edge and not out of anger, it was the look of longing behind them. Like he wanted to burst through the door and hang onto you, but knew he couldn't. He wasn't bullshitting you at the hospital, y'know. He's never got over his mum leaving, but he can always balance it out with knowing that she was fucked up in the head, especially since he is as well and knows how it feels. His dad is bloody hard work and Vin hates that he's slowly killing himself, but he still has him and that's something. And he's never had any girl to love him, and while that bothers him sometimes he gets over it pretty quickly, because he wouldn't really have the energy for them if they did. But when he lost you, he lost his sister, and didn't have any logical reason why. He convinced himself it was his fault, that everyone around him gets fucking ruined."

Dylan shuffled around in his travel bag, and pulled out a pack of tissues he had grabbed before leaving. He'd had a feeling, knowing what he was going to say, that they would be needed. He took one for himself, then handed the rest to Hollie who mouthed her silent thanks.

"I'm not trying to make you feel shit. I'm trying to do the opposite, but I think I'm fucking it up." He let out a low laugh. "I'm trying to show you how much we all love you. Not saying your name, it wasn't because you didn't matter - it was because you mattered so much that we didn't want to cheer in hope and celebration. We couldn't lose you again, so we were playing Mission Impossible with bloody lasers around you. Does that even make sense?"

Hollie nodded, always knowing exactly what he meant. "You said, not there. Did you talk about me somewhere else?"

"Tommo. When we got back to the shack, he was helping me with the barbecue and asked me if I was alright. I said yeah, but he didn't look convinced, and I just kind of whispered your name. He said, I know mate, and it sounded so nonchalant - he always does, doesn't he? But when I looked at him, he was a bit teary too, bottom lip quivering and all. Don't tell him I said that."

Hollie laughed through her sniffles, and signalled her lips sealed to him.

"And he says to me, do you think she'll come home? And I said, fuck me, I hope so. So yeah, you being back does bother me. It makes me so fucking happy."

Dylan took her hand and rested his head on her shoulder, grateful that he didn't shrug him off. Instead, she placed an arm around his lower back, and tried not to breathe in his scent - it wasn't hers anymore, after all.

"To be honest with you, I was fucking irritated at you wanting to meet me this early when I stayed awake all night sobering up." Hollie chuckled. "It's harder at this age. But if that's what you've brought me here for, then I suppose, thanks."

Dylan lifted his head and wiped his nose discreetly, hoping he hadn't got snot all over her shoulder. "That... but other things." At her confused face, he bit his lip. "You and Ash, that... was that because I broke up with you?"

Hollie pursed her lips. "It was."

"And him... well, after last night, I'm guessing that was something to do with Tommo?"

She nodded. "Tommo being a fucking idiot, it what it was. Got what he wanted out of Ash, while off his face, then forgot all about it and went back to his usual self."

"Makes sense. And that's how you have JD."

"That's how."

Dylan took a breath, eyes closed and a nagging feeling in his stomach. The clarity had eased his discomfort around it, but there was still something he wanted to know. "Jaime Dylan?"

Hollie looked him up and down, as if she was assessing whether Dylan was a safe person to be vulnerable with. "A-L-L. That's what they call it. Short for Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia. Like I said, she's doing alright at the minute, but she hasn't always been. We found out when we got a call to say she had collapsed at school, and they'd rushed her to hospital. That day... we were told to say our goodbye's to her."

Dylan wished her hadn't given her that whole packet of tissues, as he could sense needing another. She read his mind and passed one over, but didn't take one for herself. He supposed she had spent so much time living this existence that she had already cried all the tears she could.

"Can you even imagine that? Say goodbye to your six-year-old? It's not the only time that's happened, she's dipped a few times and danced around with death. One time was bad enough that Ashley actually started calling funeral homes and looking at headstones and shit. I think he thought he was helping himself, but all he did was screw himself up. Now he's fucking terrified of death, not for himself but for everyone else. Anyone says 'die' or 'grave' or something around him, and he goes into panic mode."

He thought back to Big Sandy's funeral, how Ash had looked sick through the entire thing. Dylan had always thought that was because Ash knew that they had rumbled him, but now realised it went deeper than that. Not for the first time in his life, he found himself feeling blown away by Ash's resilience.

"Anyway, what I'm trying to say... when she was born, right, the doctors who found the cancer thought it went back to then. No one had picked up on anything at the time, but I guess they have some way of telling. And they asked us, was there anything unusual we had noticed? Well yeah, there was. When she was about six months old, she developed Ash's colouring. That's when I suggested a DNA test. Because before that, she was really pale. And at ultrasounds, because she was a big baby - which obviously makes sense now - they thought she had been conceived earlier. So..." Hollie trailed off. She had been prepared for the conversation, knowing it would come, but saying the words seemed just too difficult.

"You thought she was mine." Dylan answered for her.

"Yeah. Yeah we did. And Ashley was fully prepared to raise her, for you. And when she was born, I gave him another chance to back out, and he didn't. Instead, he says, if Dylan can't be with her in person then the least we can do is honour him. So he called her Jaime Dylan."

Dylan felt the tissue crumble in his hands, so soaked that it had become less than useless. "I'm surprised you didn't... you know. Thinking she was mine and I wasn't there with you."

"Oh, Silly Dilly." Hollie stroked his cheek. "Believing she was yours played a big part in me wanting her in the first place."

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"It's fucking ridiculous, is what it is. How do we always get ourselves into these bizarre situations?"

JD furrowed her brow at Vinnie's language, from her seat at a table close to the bar. She was no stranger to the odd bombs being dropped, particularly with her parents, but she thought it was a little inconsiderate given he was babysitting a young lad that she was currently playing a stacking cans game with. Normally she'd call someone out if she didn't agree with their actions, but this was the first time her dad had let her come and hang out with the lads. She didn't want to be sent home for having an attitude. She puffed the black curls out of her face, and turned away from them again.

"Look boys, we know where he lives." Her dads breathy voice reached her, showing his anxiety. "I'd say we go round to his gaff, and just... ask him nicely to give us Tommo back."

"Are you taking the piss, Dad?" At his incredulous look, she glared back with steely determination. "Some nutter has kidnapped your tiny boyfriend, and you wanna ask him nicely?"

"Who-what-who... who says he's my boyfriend?" Ash stuttered at her.

"Oh, give over." She scoffed. "I'm not a baby, and I'm not stupid."

Ash turned back to Vinnie, shaking his head. "Tiny boyfriend! Just like her bloody mother..."

"She's right, and all." Vinnie eyed him. "We can't go round there without Renee, I'm telling you he's tapped. How's he managed to kidnap Tommo?"

"Probably grabbed him off guard when he was getting his clothes back on." JD snickered, then shook her head at Tyler's questioning face.

"Jaime Dylan!" Ash yelled, and shot her a look that warned her no more jokes were to be made. The lads all tried to hide their rising grins.

"He's got a slate loose." Vinnie sighed. "What's the odds on getting them back off the buyer?" He asked JJ.

"Zero."

"Well, then, just nick them back." JD offered, and dodged a beer mat that her dad threw at her head.

JJ smirked at her, clearly impressed or amused by her natural ability to weave into their conversations. "Mate, I don't even know where he lives." She was glad that her dad stemmed Vinnie's further yelled obscenities, because she already had a feeling Tyler was hearing too much. She didn't know Erin, had barely met Dylan, but she couldn't imagine that either of them would be thrilled by his involvement in this scheme. She tried to do what she knew her dad wanted, and zone out of the conversation, until Cardi mentioned where they could find replacement carp.

"Hundreds? Well that's gotta be worth a shot then, we need that McCann money."

JD's eyes instantly shot back to her dad, who seemed to have forgotten she was there. She knew who Terrence McCann was, she had always known, although both her parents were blissfully unaware. They thought they had kept certain things from her, but JD was nothing if not sneaky. She had known for a long time that McCann was a dangerous man, that he was a big part of the reason they had lived in isolation for so long, and that her mum often had nightmares about him. She had no idea that there had been further involvement, that the whole group was affected by him. This ignited a rage that she knew she inherited from her Dennings side. She might not know the lads very well, but the idea of McCann destroying even more lives was unacceptable to her.

"Get your diving gear."

JD smirked as she watched them argue over who would steal the fish. She outright snorted when Vinnie lost his temper and tossed JJ's papers everywhere. When he turned to her dad, her eyes lit up in anticipation of his excuse. JD was one of the few people in the world who knew that Ash was terrified of being completely underwater.

"I actually can't, because I'm supposed to be watching Jaime while Hollie is busy." He really was a terrible actor.

"But it's your fella we're talking about?"

"Yeah, I know, but..." His eyes roamed, trying to think of a code that the lads would recognise, but JD wouldn't crack - he truly believed she knew nothing. "We have to keep lambs away from wolves, y'know?"

JD had really had enough of this beating around the bush. She also couldn't, in all good conscience, leave her dad's boyfriend to the mercy of some lunatic fish-freak. "I'll steal them." She piped up.

Everyone turned to her, an eyebrow raised. It was quite an amusing sight, like a line up. "Will you?" Vinnie nodded, but didn't wait for a response. "Right, get your coat on."

While he scooped up Tyler, Ash tried to argue otherwise. "She can't do it, she's a child!"

"For gods sake, Dad, I'm fourteen! I'm perfectly capable of nicking some fish. You can come along and then you're still watching me, right?" He glowered at her, but she knew he couldn't stay mad at her for long. "Besides, unlike some I'm not afraid of the big, bad water."

When they arrived at the pond, JD lowered her self into the water with a reassuring tap on the helmet from Vinnie. He turned to find Ash, JJ and Tyler all looking at him in disgrace. "What the bloody hell's up with you lot?" He yelled.

"If anything happens to my kid in there, Vinnie... I'll kill ya." Ash growled at him.

"Fuck sake, dude, she's not gunna die-" He saw Ash shudder, his eyes closed, and became confused. Then he remembered who he was talking about, the troubles they had endured with her. "I mean, she's gunna be fine, love."

After a while, JJ turned to Tyler. "So, have you got a girlfriend?" At his disgusted response, he replied "No, me neither."

"Me neither." sighed Vinnie.

Ash huffed a laugh. "Me neither. Just a mental daughter, a wife on the run, and a boyfriend who gets himself kidnapped." That made them all laugh, all except Tyler who still seemed completely baffled by what was going on around him.

"I tell you one thing, mate." Vinnie smiled. "Jumping straight into a job like that? No doubting who her mum is, is there?"

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"Right JD." Vinnie turned in his seat to face the back of the van. "Gunna need you to stay in here with Tyler please, sweetheart."

"Bugger off!" She scoffed, ignoring the swat Ash gave to the back of her head. "I root around in that bloody pond and don't even get to see the payoff? Besides, he's got my dad's fella in there. If you think I'm sitting on my hands in here rather than throwing them about in there, then that bloody bipolar has got to you again, love. I'd watch yourself before they come swinging for you." She raised a fist to make her point.

JJ and Ash both gazed at her in horror, but far from being offended, Vinnie cackled. "Switching to violence at a moments notice, eh? No doubting who her dad is, either." He laughed, not spotting the knowing look in Ash's eyes. "Are you staying here, or do you wanna come with us?" He asked Tyler.

"He's five, man, you can't leave him here on his own." JJ pointed out.

JD slapped Tyler on the shoulder. "Looks like you're doing your first breaking and entering then, doesn't it?"

They stepped out of the van, and Ash shook his head. "And so are you, apparently."

"Um, yeah." JD bit her lip. "Whatever you say, Dad."

As she walked ahead with Tyler, Ash turned to JJ. "What the feck was that look on her face?"

"Don't ask me, mate." JJ laughed, even though he had clearly figured out what she meant. "She's your kid."

"Zero-Two-Two-Six." Vinnie muttered as they reached the door.

"It's not gunna be that, is it?" JD sighed. "You've robbed the place once, if he's half a brain he'll have changed it." She was annoyed that they ignored her, only to be proven right when an alarm sounded. She felt her dad's arms grab her and drag her behind the shed, where JJ joined them. From her position, she could just about spy Vinnie's head over the top of the gate, and prayed he had managed to get Tyler there with him in time.

Mr Bishop emerged from the house with a sword, and Ash pushed JD into JJ's arms, giving him a silent look to hold onto her. He braced himself, ready to leap out at the opportune moment, and JD found herself impressed. She had always known her dad was capable of things, but had never seen it in action since around her he was only ever a teddy bear. When Bishop turned his back on them and confronted Vinnie, Ash stepped out silently behind him. JD prepared herself to see him do something, but instead he fell into a state of bemusement at an endless argument about whether the sword was ornamental. It was irritating her as much as it was confusing the others.

Seemingly, Ash became irritated too. He snapped, and gripped Bishop around the neck with his bicep from behind. Bishop flailed and dropped the sword, his wooden shoes clattering across the pavement as Ash's height took him off his feet. JD could see Vinnie was exasperated about him losing his temper, but she was entranced. She knew it was an odd thing, but she was proud of it. She had always defended herself with her fists, and now she knew she wasn't alone in that.

"Where's Tommo?" Ash growled.

A slightly muffled voice answered. "I'm in here."

JD laughed to JJ as Vinnie made his way around the still-elevated Bishop towards the shed. "Have you locked him in here? A delicate garden shed?" It certainly wasn't the kidnap plot of the century. He let Tommo out with a groan. "Why didn't you break out? And why are you half-naked?" The two remaining hidden raised their eyebrows at each other, and JD peeked around. Her dad's boyfriend, he may be - but Tommo was a handsome devil, she wanted a look and also to judge her father's taste in men.

In the distraction, Ash had loosed his grip on Bishop's neck, wanting to run to Tommo. Bishop took advantage and knocked him aside and to the ground, giving him time to pick up his sword. JD made to dive forward, but JJ clasped her body in a vice grip as he had been instructed to do. She struggled as Bishop waved the sword around, until JJ whispered in her ear. "You're smarter than just brawn, yeah? So show it." When the ornamental argument raised it's ugly head again, and he was sure she was going to listen, JJ let go of her and joined the lads.

"Mr Bishop, just calm down, okay? Just, can you please, look at the fish, alright? They're a good pedigree, man."

JD knew where to go from here. JJ had made an excellent point. She did have her dad's knack for holding her own in a physical fight, but she also had her mum's brains and both of their hearts. If she was going to cement her place in this group, she had to employ her niche. She also stepped out from behind the shed, avoiding the looks from her dad to get back.

"Mr Bishop, being straight, yeah... I know how you feel about Renee. I know she was really precious, and I know she can never be replaced, but you know, hearts a fickle beast Mr Bishop. Maybe, and this is a big maybe, right? Give it a bit of a time, and one of these lovely little ladies will help you fill that void. I've been diving in a freezing pond to find you the best I could, I swear."

She could feel the eyes around her boring into her. Every one was silently pleading with her to shut up, for she might ruin the whole thing, might get one of them hurt. All except JJ, who was thoroughly examining how she had took his advice on board. She pleaded in her mind for them to have faith in her, in this approach, and not to speak. They were on edge, until Bishop relented.

"Yeah, all right." He said, reluctantly. He made his way to the buckets to check out their haul.

"Cold out, innit?" Tommo sniffed. JD handed him her duster coat, not feeling the need for it, and trying not to laugh when it fit him perfectly.

Walking back to the van, they all stayed silent. It was as though they were all waiting for someone else to speak to her first. She anticipated the scolding from her dad, she really had pushed his limits today. A scolding never came. Instead, he threw an arm around her shoulder.

"Well, aren't you quite impressive." He smirked.

Feeling her dad's approval was the best she could have asked for. Seeing everyone else smile was the cherry on top. "I suppose I am, yeah."

He laughed and jumped in the van, as did the others, leaving her stood at the side with Tommo.

"Diving for fish, breaking and entering, and heartfelt negotiations... all to save my arse?" Tommo looked embarrassed, but grateful. "Guess I should say thanks."

"Well," she shrugged. "You're my dad's fella, aren't you? Sorta makes you my stepdad. Can't leave you half-naked in a shed with some psycho wielding an ornamental sword about, can I?"

With a laugh, and an emotional smile at being accepted, Tommo offered her a hand to step up into the van.

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Hollie took several steps forward, then spun around and took two steps back. She rooted on the spot, turning here and there before eventually grumbling to herself, and continuing up the hill. She didn't know if she was making a sensible decision, but since her talk with Dylan all she could think about was having a chat with Erin. If her lads still wanted her around, there was no way she was going to leave again, but the last thing she wanted was for Erin to feel uncomfortable in any way. It was true to say that all of her friends had only ever been boys, but that didn't mean she was blind to how girls feel about certain situations.

It was really thinking about Ash and Tommo that had done it. She had given up a part of that marriage for Tommo's sake, because she cared for him and wanted both of them to have happiness, but also because her marriage to Ash wasn't one that fitted the expected conventional feelings. Despite this, it had caused a slight pang in her heart, so she couldn't imagine how it would feel if your boyfriends first love reappeared and ingratiated herself into his life. It was true that she still had so much love for Dylan, but it was a love she would never act on, and so she needed Erin to think that wasn't the case.

Nearing the house, a voice stopped her in her tracks, and she took a discreet spot behind a hedge. Vinnie sounded hurt, and defiant, and that worried her greatly.

"How can I not be a part of that kid's life, Erin? I can keep my gob shut about being his real dad, but I need days like this."

Hollie felt like time had stopped. She had stumbled on a secret, one that she could detect that absolutely no one knew. Over the years, she had become an expert at keeping secrets, but she thought she had finally escaped that life. Here was another, landing smack in her lap. It might not have been one that concerns her, but it was one that she knew and how could she keep it? How could she not tell Dylan this news? It wasn't as though he was living under an illusion that he was Tyler's dad, but raising his best friend's kid without knowing? At least Ash had known what he was getting himself into.

"You're gunna move... you're gunna move away, you're gunna just piss off."

"I am. I have to."

Was Dylan aware of that part of the plan? Or worse, was he in on it and hadn't even mentioned it? Had she just got him back in her life, only to lose him again?

"I've never felt this way about anyone since my mum." Vinnie let out a soft laugh, that Hollie knew was tinged with tears. "I really love him."

Hollie bit her lip, trying hard not to become as heartbroken as he sounded. Her found brother was laying his heart bare, his abandonment being reignited by the possibility of now losing the only blood family he had that wasn't somehow fucked in the head.

"You're breaking my heart you are, and I don't want you to leave. I mean, I definitely don't want Dyl to go. To take Tyler, to take him away from me..."

"I like how I'm third on your list."

A son, a best friend, a - well, whatever Erin was to Vinnie. He was on the verge of losing them all. Hollie felt dizzy with all of this information and not knowing what to do.

"Please, Erin."

"I'm sorry. It's written down, alright? It's a life I wanna live."

Hollie heard Erin call after Vinnie, and realised he was leaving. She shot back further behind the neighbours hedge, torn between her desire to follow and comfort him, and to allow him the dignity of not having been overheard. Once she saw him pass, she stepped out again. Dylan, not knowing who Tyler's real father was. Vinnie, about to lose all three of them. She didn't know who she felt for more, who she was angrier for, who to speak to first.

She reached Erin's gate, and debated knocking on the door.