Archive of Our Own ^beta

            At this point, he’d been in the loop for so long that other memories were distant and foggy, like a memory of a dream. He’d made progress- going to Stephen had certainly helped, he’d wasted dozens of loops floundering without him- but they’d stalled out. It was difficult- not knowing the cause of the loop made it almost impossible to figure out how to break it, and Stephen could only do so much when his knowledge of the situation started over every day and Tony lacked the technical knowledge to explain what they’d already ruled out, especially as the list got longer and longer.

            He was used to Stephen’s willingness to accept the loop. Some time ago, Stephen had explained his own history with time loops, and that he’d never be able to leave someone to suffer under one. As such, Stephen was unusually cooperative when Tony tried his best to explain what they’d already tried, and unendingly patient when it came to trying to teach Tony the magic he needed to know in order to further their study. Sometimes- often, even- he surprised Tony by making astute observations, lifting context from Tony’s words like he remembered, though he truly didn’t.

            This, though. This was new.

            Usually, he tried to ease into it. Sometimes frustration would drive him to explain quickly, but he’d noted a long time ago that Stephen was far less upset by the topic if he explained over tea, after small talk.

            This time, they hadn’t even gotten to the talk part. Stephen had already been making tea when Tony arrived- he always was, now that Tony came straight here- and they’d barely sat down with it before Stephen said it.

            “How many loops?”

            He was aware that he was staring. Had been staring, for far too long now. He blinked. Cleared his throat. Tried to look away, found himself unable to, studying Stephen’s expression for knowledge, for understanding. Did he remember? Or was this just another- far more alarming- extension of Stephen’s ability to jump to correct conclusions?

            “… What?” he managed eventually, the word coming out choked and abrupt.

            Stephen offered him a flat look that did absolutely nothing to explain what was going on. “You heard me. How many?”

            “I-…” Tony tried, but his voice gave out. Stephen had shocked him before, but never quite like this. He took a breath, sudden and sharp, and tried again. “This one makes, uh. Six hundred and fifty-two.”

            “Over a year.”

            “Almost two.”

            “In all that time, have you rested?” Stephen’s tone was gentle, his stance relaxed, but he was watching Tony intently. For the first time, he wondered if he looked as tired as he felt, if the loop was having a physical toll on him. He’d never rested- more, he’d never so much as considered it. He wanted to be out of the loop, resting wouldn’t further that. He didn’t get to enjoy the effects of sleep, anyway, always waking up at the start of the loop as he had that first day.

            Somehow, he didn’t think Stephen would be very impressed with that answer.

            “I can’t,” he said instead. “If I go to sleep, I just wake up again.”

            “I didn’t say sleep. I said rest. Took a day off from trying to figure it out and trying to do something.”

            Tony laughed, the sound coming out more bitter than he expected. It was as if the laugh broke whatever spell was keeping his eyes on Stephen’s, and he finally looked away. “I don’t think there’s anything that could be restful.”

            “Tony,” Stephen said, capturing his attention once again. “You look exhausted. Not physically, but mentally. Spiritually. It’s okay to take some time to try to recover.”

            “You never did,” Tony pointed out, his jaw snapping shut as he realized what he’d just said. “Sorry, that-”

            “You’re wrong, actually. I never did the first time because I never had the chance. But I did the second time.”

            “I- what?”

            “Tony, some of the futures I looked at took years to come to completion. There were days, years, even decades that I got to rest in some timelines. It was the only thing that kept me sane.”

            “How were you able to relax?”

            “Do you want the real answer or the helpful answer?”

            “The real answer.”

            “I found solace in other people. Often, in longer loops, I would tell someone what I was doing, and I’d receive… understanding. Comfort.”

            “Who did you tell?”

            Stephen hesitated, but only briefly. “Sometimes I would tell Wong, though he usually tried to berate me for what I was doing. More often, I’d tell you.”

            “Me?”

            “You always understood. That I needed to do it, and how terrible it was. More often than not, you were relieved to know that someone else was taking it all as seriously as you. You… You found shelter somewhere in me, and I found great comfort in you.”

            For the second time today, surprise overtook Tony. He and Stephen had been steadily advancing towards something more before… all of this… but it obviously hadn’t come up in the time since. Though he couldn’t deny that his feelings for Stephen had grown- hundreds of loops of dedicated attention, of the gentleness that Tony had only seen glimpses of before had given him very little chance but to fall- he hadn’t felt it would be appropriate to try to advance anything if Stephen wouldn’t remember.

            It had never occurred to him that Stephen might have… might have been harboring the same kind of feelings. That the strange hesitance he’d sometimes seen in the other man was anything more or less than the skittishness of someone who’d been burned before. He’d had no problem with being the one to start pursuing Stephen- not when he was rewarded with the joy of getting closer with him. He’d been willing to be patient. But Stephen… Poor Stephen must have felt conflicted.

            “How many lives did you live with me?” he asked, the words falling from his lips the instant they formed in his mind. A few hundred days was nothing compared to years. Millions of timelines, how many had been long enough for him to consider telling Tony about it all?

            Stephen offered him a smile that was a tinged with sadness. “A lot. I-… I was trying to figure out how to tell you, if I even should tell you. But you just kept reaching out, and I couldn’t bring myself to deny you what we both clearly wanted.”

            “And what about now?”

            “Well, that depends on what you want. But… We developed a bit of a ritual, in other timelines. Something to comfort me when it was too much. You once confessed to me that you chose those things because they were what you thought you’d want, if you were in my place. Let me do those things for you now.”

            “We did this all out of order, didn’t we? Somehow we each managed to fall in love without getting to keep it.”

            “We could keep it. Once you’re free, even if you don’t tell me, I’ll be able to read it in your face just like I did today.”

            “You’ve been able to read me that well this entire time?”

            A flash of guilt crossed Stephen’s face. “Yes. I tried my best not to… misuse it.”

            “I trust you.”

            That statement earned him a bright smile. “Alright. So, do you want to take a rest day?”

            “If you think it’s important.”

            “I think it’s necessary, actually.”

            “Alright, then. Show me our ritual.”

            “Close your eyes.” Tony complied, and there was a whoosh of air as warmth rushed over him. “Okay.”

            Tony opened his eyes again to see that he was now dressed in his favorite pajama pants and a shirt that looked to be Stephen’s, and on top of that, they were now standing in Stephen’s room. Stephen, who was similarly pajama-clad, was now holding a bag of burgers.

            “What we usually do,” Stephen began to explain, stepping forward to rearrange pillows and blankets on the bed to make a little nest, “Is have our favorite food, watch a movie, and cuddle for the rest of the day. We don’t have to do all of that if you don’t want, but I find it particularly restorative.”

            “No, that sounds perfect.” It was exactly the kind of thing he’d fantasized about on sleepless nights, in daydreams about finally resting. So, at Stephen’s encouragement, they settled into bed together to do just that. He truly tried to avoid falling asleep as long as he could- cuddling with Stephen was the nicest thing that had happened to him in a long time- but eventually, exhaustion overtook him, and he succumbed to sleep in Stephen’s arms.

            When he woke up again, he was still in Stephen’s arms, and not in his bedroom like he’d been every morning since. The surprise shocked him awake, and he sat up, rousing Stephen in the process. “Stephen,” he said urgently. “Do you remember?”

            “I do,” Stephen confirmed. “Is- did your loop break?”

            “I don’t know. What day is it?” Tony leaned over Stephen to pull his phone off the nightstand. If the calendar there could be believed, the loop had broken. “I- I think it did. What the fuck?”

            Stephen gave him a quizzical look. “Let me check something.” Stephen leaned forward and tapped his forehead, and warmth bloomed from the spot.

            “What was that?” Tony asked, a little alarmed as Stephen’s brow furrowed further.

            “It was a diagnostic spell. I must never have tried to check before, but the scan confirmed it. There’s a concentration of the same energy that the time stone has lingering in you. I think it was… trying to help.”

            “The time stone did this?” Tony asked, incredulous. Then, immediately, “Help how?”

            Stephen shrugged. “It could have been trying to teach you the value of rest… or, it could have been trying to get us together. Even the odds, so to speak. I’m not sure which one is more likely.”

            Tony’s first instinct was to be angry, but truthfully, having Stephen in this new capacity went a long way towards making this whole thing worth it. “Is that going to happen again?”

            “I don’t know. We can run some more scans, see if the residual energies from your Snap are influencing any other factors, or if this happened because of my affinity with the time stone.”

            “Okay. As nice as being on the same page is, I could do without any more surprises like that. I don’t want to be stuck in a time loop every time I need to take a day off.”

            “Don’t worry. We’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.” Stephen offered him a small smile. “Together.”

            “Together.” The time loop had sucked, and he was sure that he hadn’t escaped completely unharmed mentally, but knowing that Stephen was there, would be there no matter what, he could only feel great relief. For the first time in a long time, he finally had something to look forward to.