Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Donnie had been stressed. Always had been, to an extent. There was always something stressing him out, even as a kid. Stressed about his dumb-dumb brothers, stressed about growing up, and those damned beach balls. Stressed about his inventions. Stressed about the Shredder, Big Mama, and the Hamato family.

Stressed about the Kraang. But the Kraang was gone. 

It had been two months since the whole debacle. Since his flashy, hurt, dumb-dumb twin just about killed himself for the sake of the world. The Hamato family was… struggling, to say the least. There was so much to do, so much to deal with. They had a new family member- Casey Jones. He was a nice boy, but integrating him into a non-apocalyptic world was tough. He had seen so much in his previous life, which helped in some cases, and hurt in others. At least his medical experience was like a pillar, holding them strong when Leo couldn’t be the medic.

People were hurt. The war on the Kraang had impacts on them all, though some more than others. Raphael was healing the quickest, at least physically. His eye was damaged, but it wasn’t permanent. His vision was improving by the day. Mikey’s arms were fragile, and so was the rest of him, as much as he tried to stay strong. He had tremors, weakness, and pain at random times. It was heartbreaking for the artist; he had a long path of healing, but at least he was still healing. Sure, Donnie had suffered some damage to his soft shell after taking control of the Technodrome, but it was nothing compared to what his brothers had suffered, especially Leo. Shattered ribs, broken carapace, broken arm, dislocated joints, head trauma, the list went on. Being a mutant, he was healing faster than any human could, but damage was still damage. His bones were healing quickly, due to being comatose for the first month post-sacrifice, but he was still in pain and found it difficult to breathe some days. His concussion had since healed, but he was still sick now and then. He couldn’t walk very well, still in the process of relearning. His mental state was far from healthy, either.

It was stressful. The most stressed Donnie had ever felt, if he was being honest. Which he wasn't. Dr. Feelings didn't know. He wasn’t one to voice these thoughts. He certainly hadn’t voiced what he felt, either.

 Donnie was dealing with some muscle pain from all the stress , the fighting, and the recovery.

The only problem was: it should have subsided by now.

It should have been gone.

Sore muscles were a given, an expectation. Within the first week after the Kraang, everyone was hurting, it wasn’t out of the ordinary. But now, it was persisting. It was getting worse, even.

The pain wasn’t completely unfamiliar. Donnie remembered days when he was a tot, on very rare occasions, his legs would ache like this. But only from overuse, and certainly not this bad. Even then, it’s not like it lasted very long. Half an hour, at worst. That’s all it was supposed to be. A childhood development pain, something that came with growing up a mutant. He was sure his brothers dealt with the same thing. Yet, here he was, sitting in his lab, feeling too weak to stand. Donnie assumed he was injured, somehow, but when they all completed their Leo-mandated scans after the invasion, one of the last things Leo managed to say before he passed out for a month, Donnie had no broken bones. No warning signs, no nothing. So he assumed it would fade with time.

He was still waiting.

He didn’t want to bother his family with this; it was hardly important. He was still functioning, after all. Muscle stress was highly plausible, and surely, it would pass. Even if the pain was different from muscle stress… Besides, enough medical difficulties were going on, enough medical records to keep track of, therapy plans, diagnoses, etc. Donnie didn’t want to add to them. 

After the invasion, he came out in the best condition. He was a moment of hope for their family. One person came out of it in good health, so everyone was relying on him when the others were struggling. When Mikey's arms were rendered useless, Donnie would carry his things. When Raph couldn’t see, Donnie would guide him. When Leo couldn’t breathe, Donnie would talk him through it. When Leo was stuck in his hospital bed and couldn’t move, Donnie would run his errands. When anyone was stuck in physical therapy, they would call Donnie for help.

Only now, there were some complications. 

Walking was becoming painful. He could still move, but damn did it hurt some days. Times when the persistent, numbing pain ran through his entire lower body. It wasn’t every day. Not yet, at least. But due to the steady increase in frequency, Donnie didn’t doubt it would be soon. He had his good days. He had his bad days. Days when it felt like he was being crushed by burning concrete. Today was an okay day. It was predominantly weakness, something he could hide well if the day wasn’t too demanding. 

He had been relying on his tech-bō a lot since it started. Something to lean onto, something to stabilize him if he needed it. If his brothers got suspicious, he could think of a good excuse. He loved his technology, and no one was going to doubt him.

Donnie was staring at the floor, waiting for the strange, fuzzy feeling in his legs to dissipate. Much like most of his feelings , he didn’t quite know how to describe what it felt like. But it felt wrong. Pain or burning sometimes, like his bones were folding in on themselves or his muscles were eroding away inside him… pressure and numbness other times, where his legs felt too heavy to lift, yet not there at all or as if a steam roller was running over his legs, just without the pain. Hard to describe. What he hated most was that there was no pattern to it. Nothing he could track, nothing to reference, nothing to expect. It had a mind of its own, whatever it was. It was frustrating because it was something he couldn’t understand. Tech-wiz, yes, medical-wiz? Not so much. He tried to research his problem, but his symptoms were too broad. There were too many options. All it was doing was scaring him, worrying him about far worse conditions than logical.

A very weak knock came from the door, the sound resonating from a less-than-normal height on the opaque glass. “Hey, Dee?” His little brother called, “You in there?”

Donnie heaved a sigh, pushing himself from the table. As he approached, the doors slid open. “Yes, Michael, what can I do for you?” His tired voice was impossible to hide.

“Are you busy right now?” Mikey asked, tilting his head to peek into the lab, which lacked proper lighting. Donnie shook his head. With a smile, “Great! Could you help me get some water to the med bay?”

Donnie looked at his bō, which was resting against his desk. Should he bring it with him so he could walk for longer? It's just water, Mikey would get suspicious. He thought for a moment, tracking the movement this journey would take. His lab to the kitchen, kitchen to the med bay, med bay to his room. Should be doable. Right? In and out. “I can do that.” He followed his brother into the hallway, and thankfully, the pain didn’t immediately join. There was pressure, but it was tolerable. Donnie cleared his throat as they walked, “How are your arms today?”

Mikey nodded, “Not bad. I can’t lift them all that high, but my grip strength is intact. The compression gloves you made me help.” His smile was soft as he kept looking forward. “You think you could make some for Leo? I think he’s dealing with some nasty inflammation and, well, ya know, pain.”

“I’m sure I can find time in my demanding schedule to make that happen.” His voice was flat, focused on keeping a steady cadence with his movement.

They kept up a small conversation as they reached the kitchen. Whenever he could, Donnie would lean against the counters to support his weight. Mikey’s movement was limited, so Donnie filled two cups of water and placed them in his little brother's hands, carefully waiting for him to feel stable. What a reflection of himself. Once Mikey was set, Donnie filled another two, and the brothers went off to the med bay. The pressure was building up, and Donnie’s knees began to feel like they were on the brink of bending in half. Almost like rubber?

As the med bay doors slid open, the physical therapy scene was unveiled. Draxum and Splinter were at Leo’s side as he slowly moved across a set of parallel bars. His legs were healing well enough, but his muscles were weakened, and the process of relearning to walk was slow but steady. Donnie feared he’d end up the same way. Leo briefly looked up but turned away quickly once he tripped over his foot. Draxum kept him up while their father moved to meet his sons. Raphael was across the room, looking at Leo’s medical records and progress.

“Oh, my boys, thank you!” The rat said as he took the cups from Mikey. “I see you’re holding up well, Orange. I’m glad.”

Donnie followed his father to place the water on a nearby table. “Woah, Donnie, you okay? You’ve got a Raph chasm.” Leo finally spoke, finishing his track. Draxum brought him his wheelchair.

The big snapping turtle in the corner looked up, frowning. “Hey, man,” he groaned quietly. 

Donnie stood up straighter, confused. “What? Scoff , no, I don't?” He sounded too defensive. Damnit . Note for later: fix your tone .

Leo hummed, “You’re not looking so good.” Despite the insult, Donnie was happy to hear his brother sounding more normal. Mikey’s alter ego was putting in some work.

Still, he was insulted, “I know I’ve been working overtime, but I didn’t think I looked that bad. I even spent extra time on my eyebrows!” He set the water down, frowning. His exhaustion made it harder to conceal his expressions. He was showing too much.

“Wha- no, well, obviously you’ll never match your one and only face man,” Leo countered, flipping hair he didn't have, before looking more serious, “but genuinely, you look like you’re in pain, mi hermano , are you okay?”

Everyone looked at him, confused or expectant. Donnie rolled his shoulder back, attempting to appear relaxed. “I’m not in pain, just slept a little… wonky.”

He had been standing for too long. His thighs were starting to burn, and his knees felt like they were about to collapse and turn to dust. He leaned back to rest against the table but underestimated how far it was. He stumbled, catching himself. Thankfully, his brothers didn’t think it all that strange. He had never been one for the physical skills. Those lousy games of basketball were enough proof.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me,” Donnie started, the pain welling up quickly, “I have some tech to work on.” He turned on his heel, immediately regretting it, and walked out of the med bay. Once he was out of sight, he clung to the walls of their hideout to keep himself from collapsing.

The family looked at each other, confused. Donnie was an odd one, that wasn’t a surprise. But, recently, there were times when he was off. Less attentive, less sassy, less aware. Their brother was a known insomniac, but he was looking worse. 

Leo knew his twin. He knew something was wrong, but he also knew it wouldn’t be easy to find out what. Donnie had been quieter as of late, keeping to his lab or room, his quips weaker. His brother was frequently tired before everything happened, too invested in his inventions to sleep, running on excessive amounts of caffeine. Leo was used to that kind of tired Donnie. This was a different kind of tired. His brother looked exhausted, heavy, weak . What's worse is that Leo could tell Donnie was trying to hide it, but didn’t quite know how.

Chapter Text

When they were tots, Donnie had always been the weakest. He wasn’t frail; he just didn’t have the same knack for combat that his brothers did. He progressed slower. He was still a fantastic ninja, nonetheless. His brain allowed for more strategy in his movements, and he had good reflexes. He could move quickly, a defensive fighter. A direct opposite of his older brother. This difference, growing up, made Raph more protective, babied his little brother for a lot longer. But Donnie got better with time and age. Even before the invasion, his improvements were evident.

So why was Donnie moving so slowly, now?

Leo had been watching his brother over the past few days, after the weird incident in the med bay. Maybe he was overthinking. The twins were always overprotective of one another. If Leo’s nightmares didn’t keep him up at night, Donnie’s weird behavior did.

Leo couldn’t sleep, the voice of Kraang Prime ringing in his head and the painful darkness of the Prison Dimension crowding his vision. He didn’t want to be alone, not tonight. The injured turtle slowly dragged himself off his bed and into the wheelchair next to him. Being with Donnie always made him feel safer. Knowing he wasn’t alone, knowing his brother would be there for him, even if there was never a word spoken between them. Just his presence eased the anxiety. Leo liked to think his presence did the same for Donnie, though he doubted that would ever be admitted.

He had only been out of the med bay for just over two weeks, and within those eighteen days, Leo found himself in Donnie’s room for at least ten of them. Sometimes he’d slip in unnoticed, other times he’d encounter his twin in a late-night engineering session.

The hallways were quiet, their home still heavy with recovery and exhaustion. People were trying to be strong, but once night fell, so did their walls. Alone, he knew it was when everyone was at their weakest. Mikey was bad at hiding his crying when his hands would fail him, when he couldn't create his art. Raph’s breakdowns after Kraang nightmares, much like Leo's, were loud and distressing. Raph was also having a hard time adjusting to his failing depth perception, so in the event of late-night snacking, his movements were clear. Even Donnie appeared weaker in the evening, his distant behavior cracking. Splinter’s conversations with the past Hamatos didn’t go unnoticed either, with occasional blue light spilling out from underneath his room door. Leo’s Japanese wasn’t great, but he could still piece together some conversations. Splinter was scared, devastated, and in a lot of emotional distress over his “failures”. Both as a Hamato and as a father. It mangled Leo’s heart to hear his father speak that way.

Donnie’s room didn’t have any lights on. Even still, Leo knocked quietly. After a moment, the door slid open. His brother was at his desk, a dim light against the far wall illuminated his poor posture. He wasn’t writing, wasn’t working, just sitting there. Head in his hands, a blanket overtop his lap.

“ Hermano? Whatcha doin?” 

His voice was startling, and Donnie shifted uncomfortably to face him. “Nardo,” He said quietly, “Couldn’t sleep?” He asked, directing the attention away from himself. When he tried to stand, Leo watched his slight struggle, the shakiness of his legs. When he stood, even in the dim lighting, Leo could see a faint look of anxiety in Donnie’s eyes when he looked down at his wheelchair. A new kind of fear. 

“Um, yeah,” Leo started, slowly wheeling himself into the room. “Can I stay with you tonight?”

Donnie smiled. A genuine smile, but one of relief.

_______________

Donnie’s legs felt like weights as he started to walk, and his bones felt like they were about to snap in half. But his brother needed him, so he would be there. He always would. 

He had been stuck at his desk for the past hour. Even the call of his warm bed couldn’t beat the overwhelming pain that ran like lava down his body. He just couldn’t muster the energy. Donnie had tried to sleep at his desk, but as any night would, insomnia hit the turtle like a train, his thoughts dragging him through hell and back. But with Leo needing him, it was finally enough motivation to stand and bear the searing pain for just a few minutes.

As Leo made his way over, Donnie pressed a button on the side of his bed. It was a mechanic he added a while back, after their first encounter with the Shredder. Leo’s nightmares started then. Though infrequently, he sought out refuge with Donnie enough times that he designed an easier way for their impromptu sleepovers. Instead of setting up a mini turtle pile of blankets and pillows, which often took too long for Donnie's liking, he modeled his bed after those pull-out couches, adding a second mattress underneath and a simple pulley system that allowed it to level with the pre-existing bed. It was a fun week-long experiment.

Leo got himself into bed while Donnie scanned his selection of books for a distraction. Once he landed on an astrophysics book, he switched on the bedside lamp and climbed in after his brother.

Leo was getting cozied up in Donnie’s mounds of fuzzy blankets, snuggling up the pillows, as he watched his brother. Donnie scooted back, pulling a blanket over his legs, the warmth soothing the pain by at least 1%. Taking a deep breath, he opened his book. He started finding it difficult to focus. After the first moment, he was fine, but then his previous movement caused intense burning to wash over his legs. He managed to keep his response minimal, having had this sensation a few times before. Sometimes the pain only came when he sat down, like a ticking time bomb. If he kept moving, he could keep the pain away for longer, but the longer he moved, the more it would hurt. An infinite loop of unavoidable pain.

Donnie got stuck on the same paragraph for far too long.

He looked towards his brother, contemplating maybe telling him what was going on.

But he looked so peaceful, his eyes closed, and his breathing steady. Leo didn’t get this kind of peace very often right now. Even though Leo was dealing with the most medical care out of all of them, he was still being the family medic when he could. One day after he awoke from his coma, he was back to medicine. Adjusting PT plans, medicine dosages, and other treatments. He was still bedridden, so he wasn’t actively working, much to his dismay. But once he was moving in his wheelchair, he was helping his brothers like he hadn’t suffered the most traumatic event of their lives.

Donnie didn’t want to add something else to his plate. 

A small part of him felt bad about keeping this from his family. Mikey had been working really hard in their newly established family therapy to get each other to open up a bit more, especially Mister No-Emotions himself. Leo had been making progress, revealing a lot about his mental state. What exactly led him to that fatal decision, how he went about being a leader, everything. It improved Raph’s feelings about the leader switch-up, alongside Splinter talking about why he made that decision. It was an emotional session that Donnie desperately wished he wasn’t there for. It was a lot for his brain to take in and quickly became overstimulating.

But it was helping the two brothers be more cooperative in their day-to-day lives.

Still, Donnie knew there were still things his twin wasn’t telling them. The insecurities, the fears, but even so, he was trying. Which was far more than what Donnie was doing.

It was difficult. He didn’t know how to articulate what he needed to, not that he really wanted to, so he kept things simple. He didn’t overload his family with info, dwindling things down to what was easiest. It saved him energy. His brothers thought he was getting better.

Mikey pushed the expectation that the brothers should talk when they were struggling, so as not to keep suffering by themselves. As much as he might deny it, that was exactly what Donnie was doing.

The pain should be going away. Surely, it would soon. Two months later, he had to be close. He was simply under a lot of stress, and he was moving a lot; he just hadn’t had the time to properly recover. That’s what it was. This was normal.

Just as Donnie’s eyes began to droop from exhaustion, a sudden, sharp, and grueling pain shot through his leg, lurching him forward. He gasped, dropping his book and clutching his knee. Donnie groaned, leaning forward as the sting that felt like it was sourced from a swarm of enraged wasps, remained, growing in intensity.

Leo stirred next to him, eyes opening quickly once he processed Donnie's struggle. “Dee,” He pushed himself up, “Dee, are you okay?” His voice was heavy with concern. He placed a hand on his brother's shoulder.

Donnie couldn’t respond properly, curling into himself. Through gritted teeth, Donnie desperately tried to grasp the air around him, but the pain was overbearing. 

“Donnie!” Leo called, scared.

 Donnie heaved a heavy breath and grunted. “I’m fine,” he croaked. The pain then began to dissipate as a numbing sensation replaced it. He gasped, finally able to breathe, and readjusted himself. That’s not normal . He looked at Leo, whose eyes were wide with worry.

“Dude!” He clasped Donnie's shoulders, “What the hell was that?!”

“Nothing, it was nothing. Nothing to worry about,” he swallowed hard, shutting down his fears. “I’m tired, let's just go back to sleep.” Donnie lifted his brother's hands off and scooched forward, lying down and tugging the blanket over his shoulders. Donnie turned to face away from his brother. He really was tired now; he just hoped he would be able to sleep. Leo sat up for a moment longer, shocked and scared by what he saw. Knowing Donnie wasn’t going to talk, he reluctantly laid back down and stared at the ceiling, waiting for sleep to claim him.

Donnie ached. His leg was numb, and it felt heavy. He didn’t move, not wanting to spark another one of whatever that was. It took him a while to drift to sleep, long after Leo finally did. But eventually, he slept.

Chapter Text

Donnie wasn’t there when Leo woke up the next morning. The image of his twin engulfed in agony was still fresh in his mind. A rising level of anxiety got Leo to crawl out of bed and into his wheelchair. He pulled on one of Donnies nearby hoodies. When he entered the kitchen in search of his brother, he only found Mikey cooking. He was humming a quiet melody, swaying softly, in his own little world. He had his bicep-length compression gloves on and was working with simple recipes to ease his way into the morning.

When the box turtle finally noticed his brother, “Good morning, Leo!” His smile was as bright as the sun, “I’m going to be done with breakfast soon, do you want to wait in here for it or should I bring it to you in the med bay later?”

“Later is fine, thank you, Mikey.” Leo looked around, “Have you seen Donnie?”

The youngest brother hummed in thought, “Can’t say I have. Did you check his lab?”

“No, not yet. Just wondering.” He glanced at the clock. Physical Therapy was coming up. He’d have to search for his brother later. Leo thanked Mikey again and made his way to the med bay.

Baron Draxum was already at work when Leo entered, doing an eye test with Raph. The wounds over his left eye had healed, leaving a rather gnarly set of scars. His eye color had lightened a shade and sometimes his pupils would dilate without reason.

“S, K, Z, uh, I’m guessing that’s a B,” he read off a plaque Draxum held far away, “L, J, and M?”

Leo pulled off the purple sweater and set it down once he made it to a side table that had painkillers for his therapy set aside along with a glass of warm water. He watched his brother as he gulped down the medicine. Leo then made his way to the familiar parallel bars to wait. 

“Very good, Raphael. That’s better than the last session; you’re improving rapidly.” The scientist stated. “I suspect that with continued treatment, your vision should return within another two or three weeks.”

“Appreciate it, Barry. I’ll let you know if anything changes.” The large turtle shuffled off the hospital bed and went to meet Leo. “Hey, bro, how are you doing today?” He said, with his usual amount of brotherly concern.

“Feeling great, don’t even worry,” Leo added more pep to his voice, masking his concern. “Leon is ready to kill this therapy.” He pushed himself up from his chair just as Draxum meandered over. Raph kept his brother steady as he hoisted himself onto the parallel bars.

“Ease into it, Leonardo,” Draxum said, observing his patient's movement, “No need to rush.”

Leo took a few tentative steps, getting comfortable with the weight of his body on his weakened legs. He was feeling more stable every day, even though he insisted his progress was taking ages. He was released from his cast a few weeks ago, but he’d have to continue therapy for another few weeks with a boot. Leo hoped he could get out of it, the colorless and sterile environment of the med bay was getting annoying. He was bored, spending most of his time there. But healing had to have a cost. Anxious to get back out in the field and fighting, there were sacrifices he was willing to make.

On the topic of injury, Leo was reminded of the concerning event from the prior evening, ripping away his focus.

Donnie doubled over from pain.

Was his brother injured? Why hadn’t he said anything?

But his scans came up clean, Leo remembered. He took an in-depth look at every scan his family had taken after he woke up, to assure he was fully aware of their statuses. He’d have to investigate later, but like always, his brother was busy. Too invested in his work to talk. Leo had to find his brother. But not now. Even though it tore at his mind to not think about his brother, he had to focus on himself.

A rather new concept for Leo.

He kept moving forward on the bars, his shoulders starting to feel the weight. Even though his shoulders were pressed tightly together, his steps were stable and fluid. The usual pain was hardly there, though that credit should go to the painkillers. In the earlier PT sessions, the medicine wasn’t enough to fend off the pain, so in a weird, sadistic way, Leo marked his progress by how successful those pills became.

“Eyes up,” Draxum reminded.

Leo directed his vision away from his dragging feet, just a few more steps away from the end. He managed to keep his attention forward just long enough to see Donnie walk past the med bay doors with more haste than necessary.

“Donnie!” Leo called, without thinking. As if his heart took control over his brain, he started to move. In a desperate attempt to reach his brother, Leo took his hand off the bar and took a too-quick step forward. Putting far too much pressure on his injured leg, he tumbled to the ground. The sudden contact with his knee shot pain straight up his thigh. He swore loudly, hanging his head.

“Leo!” Raph yelled, kneeling to meet his brother, “Are you hurt? What were you doing?”

Leo laughed at himself. He didn’t even think when he saw Donnie, just leaped at the opportunity to speak to him. It was silly, his heart yanking all control. “I’m okay, Raph. Not injured,” His face was slightly flushed with embarrassment as Raph pulled him up. Once he was resituated on the bars, “Not sure why I did that,” He put on a smile, “I’ll just talk to Donnie later.” He said when Raph looked inquisitively worried. Raph was concerned, but he took the Slider’s word for it.

The three continued working on Leo’s PT for about an hour before he was finally set free. Draxum talked through his plan to get Leo out of the wheelchair, like what point Leo had to be at in order for that change to be safe, and general ways Draxum aimed to restore some normalcy in his life. Once they finished, Leo was left alone in the med bay, pulling the hoodie over himself once again. The soft inside was comforting after the crisp air of the room.

It felt surreal, where they were. Leo thought he’d be more relaxed by now, but he was still haunted by the Prison Dimension. The events of that day, how it was his fault, about everything, replayed so frequently in his mind that he was afraid he’d never forget them. Forgetting might’ve been impossible, but he would have liked to ease up on the remembering. The only thing reminding him that his family survived and that everything was okay, and this wasn’t all some sort of sick, Kraang mind technology meant to make him live the life he would never have, was that his brothers were getting better.

But now Donnie was hurt. Donnie was supposed to be healthy, the one who made it without major injuries. His twin’s health made Leo feel better about what happened, knowing he hadn’t doomed all of his family. But now something was wrong, and Donnie wasn’t saying what. 

What good was Leo if he couldn’t help his brothers?

He paused at the thought. No, stop. He replayed Mikey’s therapy lessons in his head. His worth wasn’t determined by what he could do. Just being there was enough.

He was enough. 

Leo shook his head, dragging himself away from the dark spiral those thoughts often took him. He knew he needed to be more honest in therapy, but it was difficult. He was scared of how awful his mind could be and didn’t like voicing them. What if talking about them made it worse? What if his thoughts scared them away?

Hastily, Leo left the med bay, forcing his thoughts elsewhere before another spiral happened. Those conversations with himself were dangerous, like endless blackholes where each one would lead to another, stripping him of any joy he managed to find.

He groaned, making his way back to the kitchen. His stomach growled. Had he missed breakfast? Had Mikey forgotten to bring the food? That was odd for him, the youngest brother was always on top of that kind of thing. Mikey desperately wanted to ensure his brother was eating enough protein so that he could heal stronger than ever. Sometimes Leo thought he was eating too much, but at least there were no doubts about his vitamin intake. Mikey had a whole spreadsheet displayed on the fridge. It was endearing.

“Mikey?” Leo called, confused. He was about to roll away when his brother returned.

“I’m sorry about breakfast, I’ll reheat it quickly. I was talking to Donnie and got distracted.” Mikey huffed, waving his hands aimlessly, “He rammed his leg into the table earlier while moving stuff to his lab, and it looked very painful.” He muttered in passing.

“Is he okay?” Leo’s voice had an edge to it.

His brother nodded, “Yeah, I think he was just being dramatic. You know, in true Donnie fashion.” Leo hummed, not convinced. What if he wasn’t being dramatic? Mikey saw his narrowed eyes, “He’s in his lab… if you need him. I’ll bring you breakfast in a minute.”

“Sounds good.”

Donnie was sitting at his desk, his left leg propped up as he was sewing something by hand. Leo watched his twin for a few moments in an attempt to catch something. The soft shell kept pulling back his work to observe his stitching, assuring nothing was snagged. He constantly checked the length of what now appeared to be a sleeve. 

Not wanting to risk his brother pricking himself, Leo waited until he set down the needle for a moment. “Donnie?”

His brother jumped, “Oh my banana pancakes!” He yelped, his right leg ramming into the base of the desk. He hissed, quickly pushing back on his desk chair, rolling away. “Nardo!” He bit out through his teeth.

Leo flinched, inhaling sharply at the impact, “Sorry, Dee.” That was the opposite effect he was trying to achieve.  “Are you busy?”

Donnie looked back at his desk for a moment, “Yes, and no? What do you need?” He asked, clearly trying to steer Leo away. Leo took a breath and looked at him expectantly. Donnie knew full well what his twin wanted to talk about. Before continuing, Donnie slid back to his desk and scooped up his project, gingerly picking up the needle. The sleeve looked just about done. “I’m fine, Nardo. Really.”

“That didn’t look fine.”

Donnie continued stitching, knotting some loose ends, and stretching the fabric to assure its security. “It was a leg cramp.”

“I’ve never seen a leg cramp that painful.” Not from you, at least .

“Ever heard of a Charley horse?”

“Those are in your calf. You were having pain in your thigh if I remember correctly.” He knew he did.

“I don’t think they’re picky.”

“Something was very wrong; you weren’t even stretching.” Leo crossed his arms. In usual times, he’d lean against the door frame to add to his flair, but his wheelchair armrest would have to do.

“I just overworked my muscles yesterday during training. Happens all the time.”

“No, it doesn't?” Leo contorted, “Plus, you weren’t training yesterday.”

“I was, actually,” Donnie said, annoyance leaking into his tone. He stood up slowly and took his project with him. “I wasn’t aware you had an eye on me at every minute of the day, he says without a hint of sarcasm . Maybe get that eye checked.” As Donnie passed, he shoved the lump of fabric into Leo's lap, his mouth pressed into a thin line. “Now, I would appreciate it if you stopped bugging me about it.”

Leo was, once again, left alone, staring at a wall. He unraveled the sleeve, shocked at how small it was. He pulled at the material. It’s a compression glove. Just like the ones Mikey had. Now he felt kind of bad. Went to pick a fight only to get a gift. Granted, that gift came with an atrocious amount of sass, but a gift either way.

Leo mimicked his twin's earlier facial expression and started scrunching up the hoodie sleeve. Just as he started yanking up the glove, Mikey came in with two servings of breakfast. He halted at the lack of one of his older brothers. “Where's Dee?”

Leo shrugged. “Here, give me my plate and I’ll go out to the living room with you.” He smiled, trying not to alarm his brother. 

Mikey tilted his head at the layer of fabric still around his brother's elbow. “Oh! He started on the gloves!”

“Yeah,” Leo replied softly. Damnit, he loved his brother.

He was conflicted. He wanted so badly to believe his brother, believe that it was just a leg cramp, but if it was, why lie? Donnie wasn’t training; no one was. If the doors to the dojo were opened, the dust would be beyond evident. Besides, Donnie was too focused on creating his new security measures, upgrading his tech, creating new tech, he wouldn’t sacrifice his precious time for training .

Maybe Leo was paranoid. He wouldn’t put it past himself, knowing the fears that still resided deep within his heart. There were things he still needed to work out in therapy, but a lot of them revolved around Donnie, and Donnie wasn’t one for therapy. As of recently, wasn’t one for conversation, either. Emotionally unavailable bad-boy, or whatever.

Maybe he needed to talk to Mikey. Perhaps getting Donnie in a less public therapy would help. With no Raph, no dad, and on occasion, no April or CJ. Leo was no stranger to the anxiety of family knowing about their problems, so maybe a smaller group could alleviate that fear for Donnie. It was worth a shot. Maybe?

Leo shook off the idea. Donnie would never agree. His brother had a wall up so high it felt impossible to see any light coming from beyond it. It shadowed his life, sealing away his emotions and struggles. His brother felt more sheltered recently; that wall was getting higher. Those shadows only festered the pain, Leo knew. Sooner or later, it would crumble, and with it, any semblance of worth or joy. Any meaning, ambition, or passion would die, those shadows depriving them of what they needed. A sense of light, no matter how dim. Leo would prefer it not come to that. His experience in waiting until the last minute to let everything go, to let that wall crumble and just about take his life with it, wasn’t exactly spectacular. Look where it got him.

Leo took a long, deep breath. His brother was fine. Maybe he was training while testing out his new security tech. Leo had his struggles, but that didn’t mean Donnie shared the same ones. But the fear of that possibility was enough to stir uneasy feelings in Leo’s chest.

  “Are you okay?” Mikey asked, bringing him out of his thoughts. “You’re quiet.” He added before shoveling another bite of food into his mouth.

Should Leo tell him? He didn’t want to scare his brother if he was, indeed, just being paranoid. Donnie would kill him, too. Until he had more answers, maybe he would keep this to himself. “Yeah,” Leo smiled, “Just thinking.”

Chapter Text

Donnie couldn’t believe how amazing he felt when he woke up the next morning. It was like the past few days of agony never happened. When he crawled out from underneath his mounds of blankets and warily eased his weight onto his feet, it was like he was brand new.

He was finally healing.

He was finally healing!

He heaved a breath of relief, thanking Galileo that he was right. He was fine, his body wasn’t failing him, he was just tired. He had slept spectacularly well last night, much to his surprise.

He bounced his knees a few times, anxiously testing the waters. Nothing ached. He was ecstatic. With the months of chronic pain, even his “good days” still carried pressure and a sting here and there, he had almost forgotten what it felt like to feel normal . To feel like he was capable of making it through a day.

As the cold air of the distant sewers washed over his shoulders, Donnie reached for one of his hoodies. Except, he couldn’t find it. He looked around, confused for a moment, before remembering one particular blue turtle who was adorned in his signature color last night.

Then he remembered the argument.

Well, at least he was right. It was just a leg cramp, from all his sitting and horrendous posture.

He felt bad for a moment, for the way that he acted. But then he didn’t. Donnie’s business was his alone, if he didn’t want to tell Leo, then he wouldn’t. He could manage perfectly fine on his own. Leo didn’t need to prod. Leo shouldn’t have interrogated him. 

Startled by this newfound aggression, Donnie shook his head and left his room. This was a good day, and he intended to keep it that way. No prior argument was going to stop him.

The Soft-shell turtle strode into the common room, relishing in his now pain-free life. He was met with his eldest brother, sitting on the couch with a plate full of eggs, scrolling through a series of Jupiter Jim movies.

“Greetings, Raphala,” Donnie rested his elbows on the back of the couch and peered over his brother's shoulder, “Planning a Jupiter Jim binge?”

Raph hastily swallowed a heaping mouthful before covering his mouth to speak, “Hey, Dee. Not quite, April and Junior are coming over today. We figured it was about time we introduced future boy to JJ. Can’t deprive him of perfection for too long.”

“Ah yes, I see, we must enlighten the poor boy,” Smiling, Donnie slyly rested his face on his palms, “I do hope you intend on starting with Jupiter Jim: Pluto Vacation IV . The best JJ movie.”

Raph scoffed, turning to get a better look at his foolish younger brother, “First of all, you’re way wrong. Jupiter Jim Sails the Seven Galaxies is clearly the superior option.” He returned the sly smile when Donnie scowled, “And even if you weren’t so painfully incorrect, you can't start with the fourth movie in a series, that's sacrilege!”

“Well, not with that attitude, you can’t.” Donnie stood, his stomach calling for his signature flavorless juice, “alas, my dear brother, we shall make Junior decide.” He sighed and left his brother to his dealings.

The other half of the Hamato brothers were hanging out in the kitchen, talking about nothing in particular. When Donnie entered, Mikey didn’t seem to care too much but Leo immediately pointed a watchful eye in his direction.

But Donnie didn’t care. His fearful brother had nothing to worry about. Donnie was perfectly fine. He was still reeling from his medical recovery, evidently, as he effortlessly strode to the fridge, dramatically opening up the large doors.

To his surprise, his stock of flavorless juice was nearly empty. He took his last carton and held it to his chest, longly. “My juice,” he said in a faint voice. “Miguel, we must head to the store today. My life depends on it.”

“Sure thing, Donald.” Mikey ignored Leo’s odd glares. 

With his treat in hand, Donnie retreated to his lab to wait until their friends arrived. When the two human teenagers dropped into their lair, Donnie was the first to know.

Upon their arrival, April gleefully greeted him with a simple high-five. Casey was still trying to figure out how to interact with the younger versions of his previous family, so he was tense and unsure. Donnie watched him with a strange sparkle in his eye. He had yet to have the chance to poke Casey’s brain about future him. He was going to get those lottery numbers one way or another. Unfortunately, the turtle's eagerness often overrode any hospitality rules, and April feared Casey was just uncomfortable or scared around Donnie. In truth, Casey was used to it. Future Donnie wasn’t any less strange.

He followed his friends into the common room, where Leo and Raph awaited their presence with a load of blankets.

“Casey! Just the man I was looking for,” Raph stood, almost accidentally sizing up the 16-year-old. “We’ve got a debate you must settle.”

“Not quite, Raph,” Leo put a hand up to stop him, “First, the introduction.”

Donnie and Casey look confused.

“Today!” He said, dramatically flaring his arms, “We gather to introduce our newest addition to the Hamato family to the glorious joys of Jupiter Jim .”

“Many glorious movies, and yet,” Raph solemnly hid his face, “Donnie and April are still wrong about which movie reigns supreme.”

“Okay, you know what-” April butted in, raising a hand.

“BETWEEN,” Leo cut in, only to be cut off.

“Jupiter Jim: Pluto Vacation IV and Jupiter Jim Sails the Seven Galaxies?” Casey asked. 

The brothers paused. “He knows…” Donnie muttered. 

Casey smiled with the warm light of nostalgia, “They’re the only JJ movies I ever saw, but I was just a kid. They were the only two movies my Sensei managed to save, but when I got a chance to watch them for the first time, our ability to broadcast movies was cut off a year later. I was pretty young.”

Donnie raised a comical brow, “so, you’ve seen them both?” He inquired.

The boy shrugged, “Well, yeah, but I can’t remember them all that well.”

“So, you can say,” Raph continued, “without a doubt, which one is better?”

Casey stared at them blankly. His eyes reflected a memory of family now gone, a similar situation occurring in his childhood. “I’m choosing not to answer that.” Clearly, this conversation had sparked action before.

“Yeah, yeah, our loss.” April finally spoke, “We have to start from the beginning , you weirdos. Jupiter Jim I, that’s what we’re watching today.”

Donnie groaned. A good movie, that couldn’t be argued, but there were better.

A dramatic wail from the kitchen tore their attention away. “Guys!” Mikey whined, coming into the living room, “We’re out of popcorn!”

“Aw, what?” April frowned, “But that's crucial!”

“Fear not!” Donnie called, mocking a line from the aforementioned JJ movies. “We shall journey the harsh roads to the terrifying grocery store and collect the sacred goods, named the popped corn and of course, the juice of no flavor.”

Donnie was really feeling his freedom.

“Are you sure you’ve got it in you, DonTron?” Leo asked.

Donnie smiled, “Why of course, the journey is tolerable.”

To avoid any more protest, Mikey and Donnie quickly departed to the surface. The two snuck around alleyway shadows until they reached their favorite Hidden City entrance. Though not what they were there for, Donnie contemplated going to Hueso’s later on.

The Hidden City was bustling with Yokai. Usually, the noise would become too much for Donnie if they were directly on the roads, but his relief and joy from his recovery kept him in high spirits. Mikey noticed this switch-up, but rather than question it, he embraced his brother's newly-found confidence as they strode through the markets.

Their local grocery store wasn’t super busy, the brothers were in and out in a few short minutes with a large pack of Donnie's signature juice and a hefty collection of popcorn. Despite Mikey’s arguments, Donnie carried both items as they walked home, not wanting to stress out his little brother's fragile arms. His emotional high from his final pain relief had worn off, but he was still enjoying his unusual amount of energy.

Just before they exited the Hidden City, something struck Donnie's arms.

A familiar pain that made the turtle pinch his artificial eyebrows together.

A burning sensation that showered his arms in what felt like microneedles. The persistent, all-encompassing pain that never went away.

In his arms?

No, this can't be happening .

He tried to ignore it, tried to pretend it wasn’t real.

Donnie kept walking, the previously light-weight boxes now feeling like mounds of lead hanging on by a thread. Keep walking. You’re fine , just get over it, Donnie.

But the pain wouldn’t stop. It kept growing the longer his arms were up. He blinked hard, pressing his eyes shut as the pain began to overwhelm him, like fire burning underneath his kin.

“Donnie?” Mikey’s voice made him realize he’d stopped walking.

His arms were shaking, the weakness growing ever closer. He desperately tried to take a step forward but now the boxes felt like chains dragging him down.

When the pain started in his legs, it was gradual. It got worse over time, but now, it felt like all those months of pain progression in his legs hit his arms in one fell swoop. It was agony. His chest began to heave as it kept getting worse. 

And worse.

And worse.

His breath started to hitch.

Move, Donatello! Stop being weak and start walking, there's no time for this-

“Donnie!” Mikey came to his brother and took the boxes away from his arms. The lifted weights alleviated so much more than he could vocalize. The pain didn’t go away but at least the pressure did. His arms immediately dropped to his side.

Even just the weight of his arms was painful.

“Sorry,” he choked out, “Arms got tired.”

“No worries,” his brother's sweet voice eased his anxiety, “you should have told me, I can take it from here.” Donnie tried to protest, not wanting to make Mikey’s arms hurt, but Mikey wasn’t having it.

They continued walking, now in Donnies uncomfortable silence. He held his arms close to his chest, the pain running up his shoulders. It was terrible. He had gotten so used to the pain in his legs, he forgot how bad it actually was. With the pain ravaging a new part of his body, it was difficult to keep his tears from streaming down his face.

This can't be real.

If this is real, then something is wrong with me. Something can’t be wrong with me.

Mikey didn’t ask. He didn’t pester him about what happened. When they returned to the lair, Mikey hauled their goods into their rightful spots, pulling out a few servings of popcorn. Donnie tried to open the microwave, but his arms struggled to muster the strength to unclick the small door. That movement, so small and futile, tore open a gate that allowed a new title wave of emotions to drown his consciousness. 

He felt weak.

Not like before. He knew he wasn’t as strong as his brothers, but he could still fight. He still had muscle, he still sparred and sometimes won, he could still be a hero, even in a smaller strength limit.

But now, he felt utterly broken. With arms that couldn’t open the simplest of interlock systems and legs that broke beneath him, what else was he supposed to think?

What is wrong with you? He thought when tears began to prick at the back of his eyes. Control yourself, they can’t know something is wrong .

They all seemed so happy, so content, so healthy. Donnie wasn’t going to ruin that. He had already ruined his trip back. He was supposed to be Mikey's arms while he healed, but now, Mikey was his? That can’t happen. Donnie wouldn’t let that happen.

The microwave beeped, grounding Donnie from his spiraling fears. Without a word, Donnie followed Mikey into the living room once he was satisfied with the popcorn-to-salt-to-butter ratio. When Mikey jumped over the back of the couch to join his brothers, Donnie stopped short. He couldn’t do it.

This was too much.

His arms were burning, their prickling pain eating away at his energy, making him feel nauseated and sick. “I think I’m going to sit this one out.” He managed to croak before racing off to his room.

“What?” Leo responded first, surprised. The others barely got a chance to see their purple-clad turtle before he was gone.

Once Donnie was free from all eyes, he ripped off his elbow guards and gloves. Staring at his arms, he searched for any sign of harm. Any sign of disease, injury, something curable. But his skin was unchanged. Nothing looked off. He was still perfectly green and scaly.

Tears began to well in his eyes.

Is this what Mikey felt?

Don’t be ridiculous, Mikey has it far worse. Get over yourself.

This agonizing voice was not welcome, and yet, it was his voice. His own message, his own struggle. In an attempt to run from the pain, Donnie climbed into his bed, shut off all of the lights, and pressed his eyes shut.

Sleep, idiot, sleep!

Against his best efforts, the burning in his arms didn’t subside, the somewhat familiar yet foreign pain keeping him far too awake for his liking. When he couldn’t stop the tears from falling, he smothered his face in his blankets.

The relief only came when he cried himself to sleep. But even then, the pain ensured he was crying without tears before letting him go. He begged silently for it to stop, but his hopes were rapidly dying. 

_______________

The family looked back towards Donnie's lab, confused and sad.

“Did something happen on your walk?” Raph turned to Mikey, who looked the most hurt. “He was so happy earlier.”

“The best he’s been in a long time,” April muttered.

“Not really,” Mikey fell back onto the couch, sounding defeated. “I mean, he was carrying the boxes just fine up until the end, when he got tired. I figured he just got overstimulated since he stopped talking after that.” He shook his head, “he didn’t even sign.”

Casey looked away in thought. This behavior… maybe he was imagining it, but this sounded an awful lot like how his Sensei described some of future Donnie’s struggles when they first started. They were never vocal about what was wrong with Casey’s uncle, but there were just some days where he didn’t show his face, where he would bail on missions, where he just… didn’t have energy. For anything. He wouldn’t move, Mikey or Leo would bring his meals, returning later for the dishes. All of his subordinates were left to their own devices. In the case of emergencies, Donnie communicated only audibly, still unable to show himself.

Casey always wondered but never got his answer. Even still, he observed the little things his Sensei did to relieve his brother's stress. But wasn’t all that due to injuries his Uncle Tello sustained from the invasion? 

Chapter Text

Donnie could say for sure that the ceiling wasn’t getting any more entertaining. He didn’t know what time it was, at some point in the late morning, but he’d been awake for a while now. After what happened last night, he didn’t have the energy to be in front of others.

His arms felt weak, the same way his legs would after a bad day. What kept him in his bed, however, was the progressively returning pain in his legs. An unwelcome guest, but Donnie couldn't bring himself to fight it.

The faint throbbing consumed his muscles, a dull reminder of the joy he held yesterday. How foolish of him. He let his heart override his better judgment. Healing doesn’t just happen ; he couldn’t have been rid of this agony so quickly. It should have taken a few days of slow stress and pain relief to even suggest the idea of proper healing. Not one day of despair followed by another of bliss. That’s not how it worked. Donnie should have known that.

His face pinched for a moment as another sharp pain attacked his ankle. It was a repeated pattern that woke him up that morning. A pain in his right ankle that felt like someone had lodged a dull knife deep within his bone and was carelessly wiggling it free. The pain went away almost as quickly as it had appeared. That was until the very same pain occurred in his opposite hip. It was a bit sharper, a bit more painful. But it went away, leaving that dull, pulsating pain that gripped the rest of him.

He heard someone approach his door. In the air of silence, Donnie knew they were hesitating. Please, let me be , he pleaded. He didn’t know if he could manage getting out of bed. He didn’t want his family to see him stuck in bed, either. That wouldn’t look good.

They knocked. 

Donnie groaned, huffing out a breath. Ignoring his muscles’ protest, he pushed his arms underneath him and sat up. He started to regret the response system he designed for his door, as the panel slid open, as protocol, a few seconds after a knock.

Mikey stood, a little confused. When he didn’t see his brother immediately, he scanned the dark room. Once his eyes landed on Donnie, he smiled. A smile that carried sympathy, which Donnie hated.

Donnie swung his legs over the side of his bed, once again, ignoring his leg’s signals of distress. He waited a moment, cringing at the wash of pain, before standing.

“Hey, Dee,” Mikey said in a low voice, “I brought you some juice. I thought you might need something in your system.” Though Mikey didn’t say it, Donnie could almost hear the rest of his thoughts, since you’ve been locked in your room for half of the day .

Donnie met his little brother across the room, pressure building up behind his knees and hips, and slowly took the small juice box he offered. Memories of his failures yesterday appeared in his mind. Goodie, now my favorite treat is spoiled by this… inconvenience.

“Thank you, Michael.” He turned away. Donnie thought about going to his desk to appear more natural, but instinctively, his legs dragged him back to the one spot where he felt the smallest amount of relief—his bed.

When he didn’t hear the other turtle leave, he looked back. Mikey was standing in the room, a bit awkwardly, twiddling his thumbs.

The two looked at each other for a long second before Mikey spoke. “Did I do something wrong?”

Donnie was taken aback. “No? What on earth gave you that idea?”

His brother looked at the floor. “You were so happy yesterday, but after we went to the store,” His voice trailed off, “you were so upset.”

Now he had to deal with feelings? Today was just not his day. Donnie closed his eyes and turned around, fighting his body. When he reached his brother, he rested a gentle hand on his shoulder. “That had nothing to do with you, Mikey. I promise.”

He perked up, just a hint. “Oh, thank goodness, I thought I had said something without thinking.” A smile returned to his lips, but this time, not one of pity. “Is everything okay, then? We’re a little worried.”

Danger zone! Abort!

“Yes, yes, I’m fine.” He had to think up an excuse quickly, “I just… I just saw something while we were out, and it caused some anxiety. Got a little overstimulated, you know how it is.” He relaxed his voice.

“Oh, no!” There was that pity again, “Did you want to talk about it?”

No! Wrong direction!

“No need! I have already logically analyzed what I saw and deduced that I was simply imagining it. I’m over it now.”

Dr. Feelings narrowed his eyes. “You sure?” Donnie was losing his leverage, suspicions dripping into Mikey’s mind.

“Confident.” Donnie started walking back to his desk . “Mikey, I promise, if there were something wrong, I’d bring it up.”

The pain that shot through his chest was not from his muscle pain, but rather that he was using his brother's trusting nature against him. He felt bad. “Alright,” he sighed. “We’re gonna watch some Lou Jitsu movies tonight, if you want to join,” Mikey added as he began to leave.

“I’ll think about it,” Donnie replied quietly. He had already made his decision.

Once his brother had left, the Soft-shell turtle quickly adjusted his trajectory and climbed back into bed. His hips were aching, and he desperately needed some relief. As he expected, the second he lay down, the pain got worse before it got better.

As he replayed the interaction in his head, Donnie brought a pillow to his face and groaned into it. Why couldn’t he just be honest? Every logical part of him was screaming for him to tell his family, to get help, to do something .

Every illogical part of him was insisting it would go away on its own, even though it was proving to do the exact opposite. Yesterday had been a good day, while it lasted, no one's problems weighed down on their shoulders. Leo was looking spectacularly healthy, Raph didn’t struggle with his vision, and even Mikey was able to carry a heavy load for an extended time. If Donnie had told them about his pain, arms or not, he would have ruined everything. The day would have been spoiled by the pain in his arms. All they do is worry, worry, worry. If Donnie was going to do anything, it was to ensure that his brothers relaxed .

He had to compromise, or else these two parts of him were going to wage war on one another, overwhelming him with thoughts and decisions. He would tell his family about his pain once Leo had fully healed.

That’s if the pain was even there by that time.

This was a good spot to be. Donnie was in pain, but it’s not like he couldn’t function. As much as it hurt him, Donnie could still walk and help his brothers. It hadn’t stopped him from anything; it just made things a bit uncomfortable. He had certainly been more uncomfortable before, so he could suck it up for a while longer. For now, he’d have to keep up this facade, and all would be well. He’d direct his energy to restoring the health of his family and all of his tech.

He looked at his workstation from up on his bed. His tech would have to wait; his lab would be fine with his absence for a day. He was tired from yesterday's ordeal. He’d be back to it tomorrow, surely.

__________________

Mikey meandered back to the living room, where Raph, Leo, and Casey, who had spent the night over, were waiting for him with expectant eyes.

“He was still in bed, oddly.” Mikey sighed, defeated. “He said he thought he saw something yesterday, and it freaked him out. But I guess he’s fine now…”

“He’s seein’ things?” The eldest said, “Raph doesn’t remember him saying anything like that before.”

“He hasn’t,” Leo frowned, “was he seeing, like, Kraang , things?” He shuddered.

Casey tensed behind them.

Mikey shrugged, “He didn’t say. Just said that he rationalized it, or something.” He shook his head, “Even still, he was moving so slowly.” He muttered, barely audible to his brothers.

This snagged Casey's attention, drawing his eyes to the hallway that led to Donnie’s room. He closed his eyes slightly in thought, calling his memories from his old life back.

“Sensei?” Little Casey tugged on the large turtle's pant pocket.

The resistance leader turned around and knelt to meet the young child. “What’s up, CJ?”

“Is Uncle Tello okay?” Casey clasped his hands together and held them by his chest, just a bit cold. The temperature had dropped that day, conveniently as the hideout heaters had shut down.

The genius inventor was rushing to repair their source of heat, despite his aching body. Casey had watched him early that morning, while he was eating breakfast. He had seen his uncle fight many times before, with swift, calculated movements, never backing down from anything. So now, seeing him hunched over with his bō to support his weight, dragging himself across the base to get the materials he needed, was jarring.

Leonardo’s face melted, “Yeah, he’s okay.” He scooped the little boy into his arms and stood, “You know how, after a long, hard day of training, your muscles get really tired?”

Casey nodded, snuggling up to his sensei.

“Uncle Tello was injured a long time ago, and he deals with that icky feeling a bit more than we do.” Leo grabbed his cape from behind him and wrapped it around Casey’s frail body, “and when it’s cold, it gets a little worse. So, like the old man he is, he has to move a bit slower to ease that yucky pain.”

Casey pouted, not wanting his family to be hurting, “Is he gonna feel better?”

Leo smiled, “He sure will. Once that big brain of his restores the heat, he’ll be back to normal. That and a hot bath, of course.” He started tickling the child's chest, nuzzling his nose into Casey's hair. “You’re going to get one of those, too.”

Casey started laughing, weakly fighting against his Sensei.

It took his uncle three days to restore that heater. Each day, he got slower and weaker. It wasn’t the last time the heat broke, and every time, Donnie got weaker.

Not wanting to scare the new turtles, he desperately tried to stop the memory of the final heat-outage. His uncle had died a couple of years before Casey was sent back in time, and shortly after, the heat broke down. It was never fixed. Leo had desperately tried, but every time he assigned that task, he’d break down. It was difficult to watch, stinging Casey’s heart as tears would push behind his eyes.

Casey couldn’t shake the feeling that whatever was happening to Donnie now mirrored his Uncle. But that didn’t make sense; his Sensei had said it was due to an injury that happened later on in life. Why would his Sensei lie about that?

Either way, Donnie was in pain. If it was the same pain or a new pain, he had an idea of how to help. Of course, he’d have to help discreetly; he knew how secretive his uncle wanted to be.

Casey’s response went unnoticed as the brothers kept talking. He opened up his phone and started searching. He’d have to hit a few stores before returning to the lair tomorrow.

Chapter Text

Sometimes, Donnie wished his lab wasn’t so sterile. The harsh metals that surrounded his work made the air crisper than his muscles would have preferred. During his sleepless night, he started thinking about any patterns he could pick up with what made him worse. The good and bad days were still annoyingly unpredictable, but now he saw some symptom triggers. Mornings had a higher chance of producing stronger symptoms, his weakness at its highest just after he’d woken up. Not sleeping also made things worse, which felt like a punch in the face, being a raging insomniac. The cold also made it worse. The chilly air tensed his muscles more and made them feel like they were at risk of snapping if he moved too fast. As he worked, moving from screen to screen, to work station to work station, he slowly pushed his chair around, trying to ease the pain the best he could. His lower efficiency was driving him crazy, but at least he wasn’t in as much pain.

He kept his lab doors open, letting the warmer air of the lab circulate through and mix with the colder air. From the hallway, he heard his little brother return home with Casey in tow. April had helped sort out Casey’s new life in the most legal way possible, but obviously, there were some complications. The teenager would simply be relying on a lot of fake IDs for the rest of his life, but at least he kind of existed in the eyes of the law.

Just outside of Donnie's lab, Leo went to meet the two. 

“Whatcha got there?” Leo asked after he greeted them. Donnie, being the nosy turtle he is, peeked over his shoulder to see what piqued interest.

“Just something Donnie asked me to get him,” Casey said calmly. 

Now Donnie stood, confused. He didn't ask Junior to get him anything. He slowly made his way to the door, eventually catching sight of the purple bag in Casey’s hand.

When he peeked his head out, Leo looked at him curiously. “CJ, I-”

Casey shoved the bag in his direction, “It's some of those special connector thingies and special fabric you were looking for. I couldn't find that tool you asked for, though. Sorry.”

Donnie hesitantly took the bag, about to dispute, but he saw a look in Casey’s eyes that said Just take it, roll with me here . So he did. “Too bad. I'll just order it online.” He added, hoping his acting skills had improved over the years. “Appreciate it, CJ.”

“No problem.” He smiled. 

Donnie cleared his throat, “Gentlemen,” he said before retreating to his lab. Once the three had removed themselves from the premises, Donnie looked inside the bag. Reaching in, his hand was met with a soft, plush fabric. Confused, he set the bag down and pulled out the mystery object.

Unfolded before him appeared to be a blanket, the fabric fuzzy and absolutely delightful to the touch. But the fabric had scored lines that felt like there was wiring running beneath it. The bottom corner of the blanket had a button and a cord that stemmed from the bag. When Donnie yanked it free, a notecard fell out with it. He shoved the fabric into his arms and picked up the note, scanning over the words.

Hi, Donnie :)

I’m not really sure what’s going on with you right now, but maybe this will help! It’s a heated blanket! It really helps with muscle pain. But be careful, the higher temps can be a bit stressful on your skin, so be sure to have a barrier between the blanket and you if you intend on keeping it on at super high temperatures for long. My Uncle Tello ended up getting some marks on his skin from prolonged use of heat. 

- Casey Jr

P.S. I’m sure you could engineer something even cooler, but I thought this would be a good start ~

Donnie smiled a little. Then his face fell flat. How did he know what was going on? Surely, future Donnie didn’t struggle with this; that’d be ridiculous. Leo probably told him about that “leg cramp”. That had to be it. 

Because if future Donatello had this problem, that meant it was permanent. And that was a truth Donnie was going to do everything in his power to not recognize. He was fine. He was going to be fine. This was all temporary. There was nothing wrong with him.

All of Donnie’s outlets were occupied by something, so he decided he’d hold off on testing his new tech until later that night. 

_____________

Casey had been at their hideout for a while, now standing in the kitchen moments after Mikey left. He was in front of the fridge, door open, admiring the cold air. Technology was so fascinating after living in an apocalypse.

Out of nowhere, he felt a blanket wrap around his face as he was dragged backwards, “Ack-!” He yelped, about ready to fight back, before he heard a sinister giggle that was sourced from a particular Red-eared slider. A much taller turtle lifted Casey onto his shoulder, grumbling about the point of this whole operation.

When he was finally permitted his vision, after being brought across their home, he was sitting in Leo’s room, lights off, with a bright flashlight in his face. He flinched back, eyes protesting.

“Raph, you’re excused.” Leo waved his older brother away as he glared at Casey.

Raph rolled his eyes and stepped out of the room.

“What is this-” Casey started.

“What do you know?” Leo shined the flashlight back into his face. Memories of the first day they met flashed in his mind.

“What do I know?”

“What do you know?” Leo brought the light down slightly so that Casey’s eyes didn’t burn.

“What are you talking about?”

Leo took a deep breath, “I think there’s something wrong with Donnie, and I’ve been watching him pretty closely for a bit now, but can not get a good answer. He’s distant, ignoring us, super inconsistent, I didn’t get it.” Casey was about to speak when Leo pressed on, “I thought I’d be doomed, you know? But then I remembered, you lived with future us!”

A moment a silence.

“Yes, that has been established.” Casey looked confused. 

Leo hummed, dramatically nodding, “Which means you know things about future us. Future Donnie included.”

Casey chuckled, “I mean, does anyone really know Donnie?”

Leo narrowed his eyes.

CJ laughed awkwardly before giving in, “I don’t think there's anything wrong with him, I think he’s just tired.”

“Don’t lie to me,” Leo said, lowering his voice until it was uncomfortably raspy, “I know my twin. There’s something wrong with him. I think you know what.”

“I really don’t-”

“What do you know?” He demanded, standing from his wheelchair, leaning all of his weight on the armrest, holding the flashlight directly in his eyes. “What did you bring him?”

“I brought him stuff for his tech, I told you that.”

Leo shook his head, not buying it. “That may have worked on Mikey, but not on me. I’m his twin, I notice everything. Donnie looked too confused when he found us, not only that, but he always orders stuff online.” He put a finger up, pointing to Casey, “and I’d like to think you’d never refer to something as a ‘connector thingy’ because I would call it a ‘connector thingy’ and I know you worked with Donnie when you were growing up. Therefore, you didn’t know what to lie about having in there, so you improvised.” The two stared at each other, Casey impressed and Leo determined. “So, I’ll ask again, what do you know ?”

“Nothing applicable!” Casey huffed, “I mean, my Uncle Tello sustained an injury when he was…” He trailed off, thinking, “25? I think? My Sensei told me that during a battle, Donnie got trapped under falling debris and had his leg crushed. He recovered, but dealt with some problems after it. Never fully healed, you know? But that didn’t happen to Donnie! Exhaustion is stressful, and I know he doesn’t sleep well, so… I brought him a blanket that I thought would help him sleep.” Casey felt a little bad about lying to his Sensei, but facing Donnie’s wrath had a way of overriding other fears.

Leo sighed, falling back into his chair. He stopped for a moment before rolling over to a light switch. The room returned to light, blinding Casey again.

“There’s got to be more!” Leo crossed his arms once he was in front of Casey. “There is something so clearly wrong with him!”

Fears or not, Casey wasn’t denying the idea that Donnie was suffering. He didn’t like thinking that his Sensei had lied to him about his uncle, but knowing his uncle, he wouldn't be surprised. “What’s tipping you off about Donnie?” Casey might as well compare the Donnies, in case there really was something wrong.

Leo sucked on his teeth a moment. “I know he’s an insomniac or whatever, but he just looks so much worse than usual. He’s not acting the same, he doesn’t joke or criticize the same, and doesn’t have the energy to do anything . He’s slow-moving, too. He’s away in his room more often, not even his lab, Casey, his room!”

These behaviors weren’t exactly the same as what Casey was familiar with, but he could see how they were the start. “Look,” Casey sighed, “I never knew of anything being wrong with Donnie when he was alive. My Sensei and the other turtles never really talked about his health, probably at his order. I can’t remember a whole lot about my Uncle Tello, he was more reserved than the others, but I’ll wrack my brain for what I can and if I can remember anything, I’ll let you know.”

Leo seemed satisfied enough with that answer. Casey did see a bit of pain in his eyes after he slipped up. ‘When he was alive . ’ It was instinct to respond like that.

“Am I free to go, or…” Casey muttered when he watched Leo drown in his thoughts for another minute.

“Oh! Yeah, sorry, go ahead.”

When CJ slipped out of Leo’s room, he felt like he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Something had been wrong with Donnie in the future, and now something was wrong with present Donnie. Casey wanted to help, to some capacity, at least, but if his Sensei had lied to him, then he really had no idea how to help.

When he sat down on the couch, mindlessly listening to Splinter’s rants, he dug through his memories, praying for something to come to him. But nothing did. 

___________

Night had fallen over New York, their home now quiet. Donnie found himself in bed, ready for some late-night reading. His aching legs became too much for his lab. Just before he got comfortable, he remembered the blanket. He crawled out of bed and grabbed the blanket from its bag. He located the nearest outlet, plugged in the long chord, and hit the button in the corner a few times, setting it to the second temperature. Then, he got comfortable again, shimmying into his mountain of blankets and pillows. When the heat started to come through the fabric, a wash of relief went over him. Though his legs still ached, the heat fended off the intense pain like a barrier.

It was wonderful. It was the most physically relaxed Donnie had felt since the day the Kraang arrived.

He leaned into the heat, comfort consuming him. He stayed like that, reading in peace, not once thinking about the pain, for nearly two hours.

Just a few minutes before midnight, his door slid open. He hadn’t even heard the knock. Standing there, shaking and terrified, was Leo, hand up by the door. His eyes were shot, tears running down his face, and a blanket loosely hung over his shoulders.

Donnie closed his book quickly. “Leo? You shouldn’t be walking on your own. Where’s your wheelchair?” This nightmare must have been bad.

Hearing his voice, Leo weakly and slowly limped to the bed, head down with poorly hidden sniffles. As Donnie shifted his blanket to the side, Leo quickly fell into the bed next to Donnie without a word.

“Leo, are you okay?” His twin's arms were shaking. Donnie didn’t know what to do. Was this a no-touch or a for-the-love-of-god hug me type of situation?

Leo broke down into a sob, grabbing onto Donnie once his book was put aside. It was the latter option. “Eugh, boy, okay,” he whispered, trying to figure out what to do. He shuffled down to be parallel with his twin. 

Donnie let Leo draw himself closer, pressing his forehead into Donnie’s plastron. Donnie rested a hand against the back of his head and let his brother cry. Donnie knew full well that sometimes all Leo needed was to exist in his pain, not talk, not answer, just be . It was still painful for Donnie, watching his brother fall apart like this. They stayed like that for a long moment, until Leo was out of tears and all his crying was dry, scratchy breaths. “I thought you were dead,” Leo muttered in the quietest voice he could muster, his throat sore. “I watched you die.” His voice hitched.

“I’m here, Leo. I’m safe.” He whispered in response. “Do you want to talk about it?” Feelings were not his forte, but he had to help his brother somehow. If talking about the gross concept of emotions was what he needed, then so be it.

Leo groaned as he slightly pushed away, just enough to look at Donnie. “I don’t know,” he sniffed, “I don’t know if I dreamt of the post-Kraang apocalypse or something else, but…” More tears started shining in Leo’s eyes, “You were hurt and we were all alone, fighting something , and I heard you scream. Oh god-” he stopped, rubbing at his eyes in a desperate attempt to stop crying. His breathing was heavy and quick. “You fell or tripped or your legs gave in.” Oh god, indeed. “But you couldn’t move! I couldn’t get to you, and you were killed. Right in front of me!” Leo gave up on stopping the tears.

Donnie winced, looking away for a second. These were the exact fears he was trying to avoid, not cause. He hugged Leo close, “I’m sorry, Leo. I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“I’m scared, Dee,” Leo admitted in a broken voice. “I’m so scared.”

“I know,” Donnie comforted, his heart aching. “It was just a dream, I’m right here.”

“I know,” Leo sniffed, “but I’m still scared.” His tears let up slightly, “I’m scared that something is wrong with you and you aren’t saying what, and that my dream could come true.”

Galileo, damn it all . Now tears were starting up behind Donnie’s eyes. What was he supposed to do? Feed into those fears by admitting something was wrong? Lie and keep Leo where it hurts less, but hurt him more? There was no way out of this. He had to keep Leo happy, had to keep his family happy. Leo needed to recover, and stressing him out over his brother's health was not going to achieve that.

“I’m sorry,” He didn’t know what else to say. “I’m okay, Leo, that’s never going to happen.”

Leo hugged his brother again, keeping him close. Donnie pulled the heated blanket over their shoulders, and instantly, Leo seemed to relax, surprised by the heat. 

“I’m perfectly fine, I promise.” Donnie managed to say, that logical part of his brain screaming at him to be honest, to stop lying to Leo and himself.

Donnie was going to be fine, he assured himself over and over again. This pain would fade with time, and Leo would never have to stress over it again. Donnie refused to be the source of more nightmares.

Chapter Text

Leo was being extra clingy the following day. He never went into full detail about what he saw in that nightmare, but Donnie knew it was worse than he thought. Leo looked terrified at every moment Donnie wasn’t in his line of sight. He outright refused to do his physical therapy unless his twin was right there next to him. Something about seeing Leo this way was debilitating. Seeing this terrifying, unwavering fear that shadowed Leo’s eyes, making him distant and afraid,  when Donnie was so used to his stoic, strong, and resilient Leo, was beyond harrowing. Donnie knew Leo had his problems, but never saw them present themselves so strongly.

This response nearly shoved any of Donnie’s plans to open up about his pain far away into a corner in his mind, sirens going off in his head. If Leo, or any of his brothers, knew there was a slight chance of weakness in Donnie, they’d lose their minds. How bad would Leo’s nightmares be if he knew about the pain? It’s not like Donnie couldn’t fight the weakness, but would his family believe that? Would they take that kind of answer?

The twins were situated on the living room couch, Donnie scrolling through his t-phone, mindlessly lost in his thoughts, and Leo next to him, arms tightly wrapped around his waist, nearly asleep. Raph was going on about getting back into training, at least slowly. Though from a negative source, Leo’s ability to walk on his own last night meant he was healing quicker than they thought. His walking wasn’t stable, but he proved he could take his body weight again, as long as he went slowly. Leo would not be training again, but it meant they could start developing plans for it.

“Raph thinks you need to be moving more,” Raph added, directed towards Donnie.

Donnie looked up from his phone, slightly frowning. “What encouraged that outrageous thought?”

Raph shrugged, “That’s probably why you’ve been so off recently.”

Donnie’s fake brows pinched together, “Off?” Was he really that bad at hiding his pain?

“We can all tell you aren’t sleeping very well, worse than usual.” Oh. Well, that’s good . If Raph was just suspicious about sleep, he was still safe. “That’s probably because you’re not exercising enough anymore, since we’ve basically halted all of our movement.”

Donnie wished he could say that wasn’t how it worked, but he’d listened to enough of Leo’s medical rants to know that Raph was correct. He knew far more about medicine than he thought, being the sole receiver of Leo’s medical practice. Be it running the stupid, silly little situations for him to practice injury management, or just listening to him talk for hours about something he learned to ensure he understood it. It was a good way to keep Donnie grounded while he worked. He’d never admit that, though.

He figured Leo would go out of his way to confirm Raph’s thoughts, but when he looked down at his twin, his eyes were sealed shut, his breathing steady. He was fast asleep.

“Maybe we run to Hueso’s? Get some dinner and cheer Leo up with his favorite pizza?” Raph offered, “It’ll be nice to get some air, even if it is the Hidden City air.”

Donnie liked the idea; pizza did sound very good at that moment. However, there was a bit of a hang-up: “I’ve got a bit of a magnet keeping me here, I fear.”

Mikey came up behind them and peered at his older brothers. “If he’s asleep now, you might be able to slip away unnoticed. We’ll be back before he knows it.”

Something irked Donnie deep in his chest. Something about leaving his horrendously traumatized twin whilst in the middle of a breakdown didn’t sound so great. If he woke up before they returned, Leo would lose it. He’d crumble under the fears Donnie was relentlessly trying to prevent. Donnie wasn’t supposed to cause these problems; he was supposed to fix them.

Donnie made an unsure noise, stuck between decisions. He wasn’t feeling particularly weak that day, his pain was moderate, so he could likely make the tip without many repercussions, but… his brother. That’s not something he wanted to risk.

Their father slowly walked into the room, overhearing the conversation. “Purple, I agree with your brother. You’ve been locked up in your lab far too much recently; it’s not good for you.”

Donnie’s face fell, wanting to make his father happy. “But, Leo…”

“I’ll stay with him while you boys are gone. If he wakes up, I’ll be there for him.” Splinter rested a thin hand on Donnie’s shoulder. He had a warm smile on his face that made it difficult to say no. Splinter was his dad, and he so desperately wanted to make him proud.

Giving in, he sighed. “Okay.”

Leo’s arms had relaxed around him in his slumber, so, as gently as he could, Donnie slid out from his grasp. Splinter quickly replaced him before Leo began to stir.

Donnie’s anxiety for his brother almost distracted him from the sudden pain in his head. Almost.

It was brief, gone within the minute, but when he stood, the onset headache threw him for a loop. It made him pause, but once it dissipated, he shook his head and moved on. Now was not the time to worry about his pain.

The purple turtle noticed himself biting slightly at his nails, a habit that died a long time ago, when he was a tot. Quickly, he put his hand down. What was he so anxious for? He was usually so calm, even in times of worry.

Mikey clapped softly, excited to get out of the house again.

Vamanos, Hermanos! He heard Leo’s voice ring in his head. He took his bō from his waistband and extended it out, leaning his weight onto it. “Let’s get a move on before Leo wakes up.”

_________________

The Hidden City had its usual busy sounds, the yokai population bright with diversity. Raph had insisted on taking a different entrance to the city, wanting more time to be out and about, entirely ignoring Donnie’s pleas for a shorter trip. How was it, for once in his life, that Donnie was more anxious about this than his brothers?

Raph and his brothers were posted atop an old, tall building, looking over the city. “Man, Raph missed this!” The Snapping turtle had a hand over his brow, dramatically observing his surroundings. He took a deep breath, relishing in the clear air.

Donnie was slouched over, leaning on his staff, silently begging for freedom. Turns out, his lower-rate pain quickly accelerated after jumping over rooftops for a few minutes. He could still walk, but he didn’t want to be.

Raph started talking with Mikey, their voices tuned out as a prickling pain started in Donnie’s leg. His knee buckled beneath him, the pain becoming too much to apply pressure to. Great, can’t even stand in peace. He closed his eyes, pressing his forehead into the cold titanium of his weapon, face twisting from the burn as he lifted his leg. After a moment, he approached his brothers, who were standing by the building’s edge, pointing out something of interest that Donnie didn’t care to check. Curious if it would help, Donnie squatted down onto his opposite knee, feeling the stretch in his thigh and a good kind of pressure build up behind his burning knee. To his surprise, the movement seemed to ease some of the pain. He sat there for a moment, taking a deep breath to relax.

“Well, we should get going. Raph doesn’t want to keep Donnie waiting.” The big turtle smiled, looking down at his younger brother.

Great timing, as usual.

Donnie stood, thankful that the pain was held off, even just briefly. The three brothers scanned for a way down. Mikey and Donnie looked at the cables that connected the buildings, decorated with pennants and other artworks, carefully plotting a safe route down without tearing up the city’s beauty. Raph just decided to scale down the wall, his mass being far too much for any fancy work.

Just as Donnie and Mikey began their descent, a cold flash consumed his legs, swiftly followed by an aggressive burning sensation that began lacing through the back of Donnie's thighs and knees. For just a moment, it felt like the normal pains, save the cold wash, but within seconds, the agonizing sting got worse. His legs quickly began to feel as though he was being burned alive while a child tore his muscles apart like string cheese, the nerve endings snapping away from one another. Within seconds, the harsh pain enveloped his whole leg, ripping away any control he had. At the second contact of a city cable, his legs collapsed from under him. He slipped from his support and began falling. “Mikey-!” He called for help, shocked by the sudden shift.

Raph watched in shock for just longer than a second before he leapt from his spot on the run-down brick wall. He reached his arms out far, trying to catch his fragile brother in his arms. Mikey, alarmed, shot out his kusari-fundo in case Raph didn’t move fast enough. Both attempts lead to Donnie having a chain wrapped around his waist and being barreled into by his brother. The impact from Raph yanked Mikey's weapons from his hands, but the youngest turtle let go just in time to not be dragged along with them.

Raph hit the ground and slid to a dramatic stop, a few feet away from Run of the Mill Pizza.

“Donnie, you good?” Raph asked.

Donnie quickly wiggled out of Raph's safe grasp, that shocking and quick pain exploding in his head for just a few seconds, putting himself on the ground with as much support as convincingly possible. Donnie grabbed his staff far too quickly. Raph narrowed his eyes for just a second.

        Mikey dropped down next to them shortly after. Donnie pretended to dust himself off. “Just fine, Raphala. I apologize for that mishap. I was a bit distracted and lost my balance.”

The burn in his legs had not gone away, making all of his weight feel like heaps of obsidian weighing down on two frail twigs. Something that would collapse within minutes if not given the proper support.

“Sure, I getcha. You haven’t been out in a while.” Raph smiled, sending away his hint of concern.

Oh, how oblivious he was.

“No time for dwelling, it’s pizza time!” Mikey hollered, slapping a hand on Donnie’s back. He stumbled forward, wincing as another sharp pain erupted through his leg, but neither brother noticed.

Hueso’s shop was quiet, a few yokai groups eating with peaceful conversations.

“Welcome to Run of the Mill- oh!” Hueso immediately dropped his customer service act and went to meet his somehow-adopted nephews. “I see you’re missing a Pepino  today, no?”

“Yeah, he’s not feeling too well right now, so we’ve come to get pizza. We needed to stretch our legs and make him feel better, of course.” Mikey ran to the boneman for his typical side-hug, to which he obliged as if it was second nature. “Need our order again?”

“I fear I have them committed to memory.” Hueso gave Mikey a pat on the head. “I’ll get those going for you all. I’ll be back shortly.”

Mikey and Raph continued light conversation as they waited, attempting to get Donnie involved, but he was too lost in his own pain. The new sensation from earlier had dissipated, now a numbing dance of fuzzy pins and needles taking its place. He felt so distant from himself and his surroundings. Not in the same way he'd get when overstimulated, when he forcefully sent away anything he registered, panic and wild discomfort making him dizzy and headachey. This time, it was like nothing dared grasp for Donnie's thoughts, a deep fog coating his brain, fending off any signal of interest, like there was nothing left for him to think. He couldn't focus, couldn't think, almost like he was watching himself in third person, except he was rapidly losing his vision. He so desperately wanted to sit down, to sink into his heated blanket, remove himself from the world, and sleep for hours.

“Earth to DonTron?” Mikey waved his hand in front of Donnie's face slowly, not wanting to shock him. “Our pizza is coming.”

Donnie blinked away the fog that swamped his head and looked up to see Hueso carrying a few boxes of individually sized pizzas. “Here you are, boys.” When Raph tried to pay him, Hueso waved him off. “On the house today, just do me a favor and send Leo my regards.” Once Hueso had given the pizzas to Raph, Mikey wrapped his arms around him

“Thanks, Tío , we'll come visit again soon!”

“You better, your absence is hurting my business. But recover well, you all deserve it.” Something in his words struck Donnie's heart. Recover well . Would he also be letting Hueso down? He was also hoping for healthy Hamatos, and while the other three were getting there, now Donnie wasn't-

Don't be ridiculous, Donatello. You're getting ahead of yourself.  

He huffed, surprised at how quickly he could shut down his classic Donnie overthink.

They left the pizza parlor and started back the way they came, Raph insisting on more steps. Donnie groaned, but complied. He was already making them suspicious. It wouldn't be long until they were home, and he could free himself from the pain of walking.

Just then, a ping went off from Donnie's arm band. He dragged his tired eyes down, clicking on the message notification from Splinter.

“You need to get home ASAP. Leo woke up, he's freaking out.”

Ignoring all the pain he had previously, Donnie quickly ran to meet up with his brothers. “No time for extra steps, Raph, we need to go. Now .” He showed them the message, and quickly, all three turned around and started heading towards a closer exit.

They moved with excessive haste, the steps and movement burning fire in Donnie's legs. He ached, burned, and stung, as if hot metal was scorching his skin, but he didn’t stop. He knew it was a bad idea to leave; he knew it would backfire. They never should have left Leo, Donnie never should have left Leo. Why was every part of him denying his logic and critical thinking? He was supposed to be smart! Now he was going around, lying and making poor decisions. Get yourself together, Donald.

His breath began to heave, and they got closer to home, whines occasionally escaping his throat. The pain was unbearable, rising up through his arms and stabbing into his head, mimicking the headache from earlier. He desperately needed to stop moving, but his brother desperately needed him more. He didn't know if Mikey or Raph noticed or heard him, but if they did, he could always make an excuse. Leo wasn't in a state to refute his lies, and the other two could be a tad too trusting.

A tad too trusting? You're really using their love against them?

Stop it! Stop telling me that! Honesty is only going to hurt them more! I don't want them to worry, and I don't want to be weak.

Weak? 

There they were, the rational and irrational thoughts waging war against one another. Now was not the time.

When they returned to the sewers, Donnie was the first to enter their home. He discarded his bō at the door and ran to the living room. Before he got there, he could hear the heavy breaths of his brother, shaking and tearful. As soon as Leo was in sight, Donnie ran to his side. Leo was in shambles, curled up in a ball, mumbling words to himself that Donnie couldn’t decipher. He had his hands clasped over his ears, eyes slammed shut.

“Leo!” Donnie put his hands on his twin's shoulders. “Leo, I'm right here.” He lowered his voice. Noise always made his meltdowns worse; being quiet should help Leo, too.

Leo's breathing halted as his eyes finally opened. When he saw his twin, more heavy tears immediately began to form as he hugged Donnie tight. 

“I'm okay,” He reassured, “We just went to Hueso’s and got pizza.” He whispered, returning the hug. “Look at me, no injuries, nice and alive.” He sounded too anxious. As if Leo could look at him and see the pain radiating off his body. What a stupid fear.

Leo looked up, scanning his brother for injuries or, by the look in his eyes, signs of death. But Donnie looked fine, all of Leo's fears manifested from deep-rooted anxiety and, unfortunately, justified fears of Donnie's pain. But he could prove.

His nose was runny, and his eyes were dewy; he could hardly keep his face from falling apart. “You're okay?” The absolute despair in his brother's weak voice tore at Donnie, fearful for what Leo had seen in his mind.

“Better than ever,” he smiled. “Come on, let's get some food. Hueso added extra pineapple to yours.” Donnie helped Leo stand, ignoring the shake in his own legs. Hopefully, Leo didn't notice.

“Aw, no making fun of my choices?” Leo was clearly trying to remove the tension, likely embarrassed by his meltdown. Donnie wouldn't have it. 

“Not today, I love you too much for that. But if you'd like, I can insult you tomorrow about it.” With Leo wrapped around his shoulder, Donnie led him into the kitchen, where their brothers were sorrowfully waiting.

“I'd like that.” He sniffed.

The rest of the night was quiet, Leo hardly uttering a word. After dinner, the soft-shell would talk aimlessly about his technology to fill the silence and to let Leo's mind be at ease. He clung to him like a koala, afraid to let go, as if his release would condemn Donnie's death. Both of them were exhausted. Leo's heart was overrun by fear, a looming threat he knew existed but couldn't find. Donnie's body was pushing its limits. The increasing severity of pain was not letting up, and nearly two and a half months later, he feared it never would. He hoped it would at least plateau, end the progress somewhere tolerable.

At last, night fell. Leo never left Donnie's side, and Donnie never argued. The young slider tried to fight off sleep, terrified at what his mind would make him see, but his emotional exhaustion rapidly pulled away his strength, lulling him into deep sleep not long into the night. Donnie kept himself up, reading and sketching schematics while he waited for his brother to relax. Leo kept his arms tight around his brother, never once loosening, even in his rest.

The logical and illogical continued to argue, fighting between head and heart. Donnie had never felt so lost in a decision before. Maybe it was because, in his mind, either outcome resulted in negative results.

Tell his brothers he was struggling, and they worry their heads off to the point of scaring themselves rotten. They'd find a way to overprotect him more, keeping him away from aspects of his life. They stress and stress, to no avail, they’d give up ideas and waste their time worrying about Donnie.

Keep it a secret, Donnie suffers. His pain grows, and he never gets a proper answer as to why.

So what made it such an easy escape to choose the second option? 

Because then, it was only Donnie who suffered, not his brothers, not his father, not his friends.

And maybe, just maybe, he was desperately clinging onto the idea that he was okay, despite knowing deep down that he wasn't. If it was never severe enough to demand help, then he was fine. Perhaps he was being dramatic,  or maybe he was simply too tired.

Either way, he just wanted his family to heal. After all, that's what he'd been tasked to do after the invasion. Help your dumb-dumb brothers heal, and everything will be back to normal.  

So, he stuck to that plan.

Even if that “normal” shifted to be a bit more painful.

Chapter Text

Sluggish was not what Donnie was expecting to feel the next morning. Tired? Yes, like his muscles weighed twenty tons each? Not quite. His body had never taken the expected turtle speed to heart, yet now he felt slower than a one-hundred-year-old tortoise. When he tried to sit up, it felt nearly impossible to lift his head. He groaned, turning over in an attempt to find his brother. To his surprise, Leo wasn’t sleeping next to him. Doonnie stirred uncomfortably. He pushed himself up, no matter how heavy he felt. His room was dark, but a sliver of light came through his door. What time was it? Why was his room so cold? Why was he moving so slowly?

Donnie took a deep breath, or rather, tried to take a deep breath. His nose was slightly congested, so instead, he made a rather disgruntled hack, surprised by his rough breathing.

Do not tell me that I’m sick, I can’t take that right now.

He shook his head. Maybe he just slept on his side for too long. When he finally managed to put his feet down on the cold floor, his whole body protested. He felt hazy, his head heavy. Using the sides of his bed, Donnie hoisted himself up. Within seconds, his vision was shrouded in black spots, taking his balance with him. The next thing he knew, Donnie was on the cold floor, falling onto his back after slamming the left side of his body into the frigid concrete.

He let out a struggling cry, the pain searing up his spine. He lay there for longer than he’d like, groaning. Pressing his hands into the ground, he desperately tried to get up, but his arms started to shake and his elbows collapsed. “Come on, don’t do this,” he whined. He was dizzy and cold, his vision spinning. It was too dark, but he didn’t have his arm band, so he couldn’t turn on his lights remotely. Get your bō, it’ll help you stand. Where was his staff? Well, he was on the floor, not entirely sure where, but it should be leaning against his nightstand. It used to stay on the wall, in his equipment display, but his increasing dependency on it made him keep it close by at all times.

He couldn’t believe what he started doing, but he began crawling across his bedroom floor, the cold making him deeply consider installing a rug. With every movement, he had to pause and wait for his vision to clear. He hissed at every pull, but eventually, his palm met the wood of his nightstand. He began waving his hand around in the dark until it made contact with the shivering titanium.

His flailing touch tipped the weapon to its side, and soon the metal clashed loudly into the ground. Donnie winced, quickly blocking his ears, and the shattering clang sent rockets of pain through his head. He curled into himself for a second before forcing himself to unravel. This is pathetic, Donatello . He patted the ground, searching for his weapon again. Once he found it, Donnie pressed the end into the ground, climbing his hands up the staff until he could tuck his knees underneath him. His thighs felt stiff, and his shins were pounding from pain.

There was a knock at his door. Damnit! No, not right now! Despite the shake in his legs, he heaved himself upwards, barely catching himself. The door slid open, light flooding into the dark room. There was Mikey, a concerned look on his face when he saw his older brother hunched over his weapon.

Donnie turned away quickly from the door, the light burning his eyes and sending yet another round of pain in his head.

“Donnie?” Mikey rushed to Donnie, bringing his arms out in tentative support. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Michael. I just slipped.” He took a hand off his staff to bat away his brother's hand. In doing so, he lost his support and stumbled forward. Mikey quickly stepped in front of his brother, catching him.

“Doesn’t look like it.” Mikey put his hands on Donnie’s shoulders, feeling his shivering. “Dee, you’re shaking!”

Figure something out, make it believable! The thought was hardly registered.

“Are you sick?” The young turtle rested the back of his hand against Donnie’s forehead. “Well, it’s not a fever, at least.”

“No, Mikey, I’m okay.” He huffed.

“Uh-uh, Donald. No turtle that’s 'okay' looks like you.” He went to Donnie’s side, his hands still on his shoulders, and began walking with him. “Come on, we’re gonna get you some hot tea and plain toast.”

Donnie tried to resist, but his vision started crowding again. He could feel himself tilting, legs tripping over themselves. Mikey saw his sudden loss in balance and called out, “Raph! I need some help, here!”

“No…” His voice hardly came. “No, ‘m fine.”

Without ever catching a good look, Donnie’s older brother was suddenly at his side, scooping him up. “Come on, big guy, let's get you to the couch,” Raph said, his voice soft. Though Raph was concerned for his brother, all Donnie could hear was pity .

Donnie, this isn’t being very helpful.

He grunted, attempting to release himself from Raph’s grasp, but his muscles didn’t even try to move. Donnie’s desperate pleas fell onto the deaf ears of his body. Move, damnit! All he got was a weak whine from his throat.

“Raph’s got you, buddy.” Even though Donnie was clearly unwell, Raph was quietly glad he could finally return the help his brother had been providing the past 2 months. Raph finally got to guide Donnie, instead of the other way around. He held his tiny brother close, gently rubbing circles into the soft shell's back. “Think he’s going to be well enough for therapy today?”

Donnie paused his racing thoughts. It’s Thursday already? He didn’t want to be in therapy, especially today of all days. It happened every two weeks on Thursday, after dinner. With what two of his brothers had just seen and what Leo had been dreaming of, this session was going to be painfully directed at Donnie . That’s what he needed to be avoiding right now. He had time to think of an excuse. If only his head would clear up, instead of feeling like there was carbonated water filling the extra space in his skull.

When Donnie felt the warm embrace of the couch, once again, he tried to escape. “I don’t think so, Mister,” Mikey said, standing his ground, blocking Donnie. “You stay down. You hear me?” Ah, hello, Dr. Delicate Touch, how nice of you to join me.

Another set of footsteps came into the living room, identifiable by the assisted sound of crutches. “Donnie!” It was Leo. Donnie’s eyes fluttered shut, the suddenly too-bright light and too-loud noise burning his head. “Mikey, is he okay?”

“I think he’s sick. He appears to be a bit delirious, I’m not sure.”

Leo slowly kneeled, sitting next to Donnie’s head on the couch. Just surrender to the assumption, Donald, this is easier for them to believe it’s a quick cold instead of… the temporary complication. Leo pressed his forehead into Donnie’s to compare temperatures. “Donnie, please tell me you’re okay.” Leo’s voice was barely above a whisper.

“I’m okay,” Donnie started, a quick cough expelling itself after, “just feeling a bit unwell. I don’t think it’ll last long.” He sure hoped it wouldn't, at least. It was an easy enough lie to choke out, since he was hoping it was the truth.

“Just a cold, you think? You’re not burning up.” Leo smiled, happy that Donnie so quickly accepted his condition.

“If that,” Donnie shuffled himself up against the couch armrest, slightly propping himself up. “I think I just didn’t eat enough yesterday, then with the heated blanket on all night… resulted in whatever this mess is.”

Leo thought about it. “You couldn’t get dehydrated that quickly unless you weren’t drinking any water yesterday.” He narrowed his eyes at his water-repelled twin. Donnie avoided eye contact with silly head movements, dramatically looking around.

“Whaaaat, nooooo, why would I do that?”

“Donnie!” Leo groaned.

“What, I forgot!”

Leo sighed, thankful it wasn’t anything serious. “You’re an aquatic turtle, dummy, that’s not something you can be forgetting.” Without saying a word, just a look from Leo directed their older brother to the kitchen. “If you haven’t had anything since yesterday morning, you’ve got way too long, over 24 hours…” He muttered.

There’s no way. “What time is it?” Donnie still felt disoriented, his vision still spinning.

“Just past 1 PM,” Mikey chimed in. 

“1 PM?!” Donnie sprang forward, regretting it immediately as the shadowy spots blocked all the light from his eyes. He fell back again, slowly. He’d woken up that late in the day? No wonder Leo was gone when he woke up; he had already completed half of his day.

Raph returned a moment later with a glass of ice water. Ice water.

“Jeez, it’s cold enough as is in here, are you trying to freeze me?” Donnie joked, taking the glass with just a hint of hesitation.

Leo raised a brow, “It’s not that cold in here, is it?” Raph shook his head, as did Mikey. “I’m going to get you some medicine.”

Raph assisted Leo as he stood up, resituating him on his crutches. He made his way to the med bay, mouth slowly pressing into a thin line.

________________

Leo was scared. Again. At least he was keeping himself upright and sane.

Donnie was fine. He was just dehydrated. Besides, Donnie was accepting it and being honest. So, all would be well. Just get some medicine, and he’ll be right back to his usual self. The new usual self that started 2 months ago…  

Donnie was accepting help , which was something new! A good kind of new!

Leo was breathing harder than he would like, bits of his past few nightmares flashing into his vision. Donnie, coughing up bits of pink, slimy, brai-

He shook his head. Talk it out in therapy, don’t dwell on it. That’s not going to help anybody recover.

In the med bay, Leo searched through different boxes and bottles of medication. He needed to develop a better system for this mess. Standard cold medicine would do. He found the clear, red pills and grabbed an electrolyte drink as well. This wasn’t severe enough for an IV, at least he hoped.

Leo made the trek back to the living room, his legs slowly becoming accustomed to pressure again. Mikey met him at the entrance and brought the medication to Donnie, who was still complaining. Once Raph was safely watching over the purple turtle, Mikey returned to Leo's side.

“You doing okay, Lee?” He asked, a gentle hand resting on his shoulder.

Leo smiled, resting his hand atop his brother's. “I will be. We can talk about it later tonight, okay?”

His little brother nodded, “Okay. I’m proud of you, Leo.” Mikey gently went in for a hug, which Leo gladly took. “You thinking about maybe talking about the nightmares, too?”

Leo took a long breath in. “I should.” Mikey gave him a sad smile. “It’ll be uncomfortable, but uh,” He looked down at his legs, “I’ve been through worse.”

______________

The brothers sat at the table, an awkward silence falling over them. There were no special attendees, so no dad, April, or Casey. 

The only one standing, Dr. Feelings had his standard round-framed glasses and subtle yellow turtle neck, ready to help these mentally unwell brothers of his.

“Okay, so,” Mikey started, clearing his throat. “I know things have been a little tense today,” he looked to Donnie and Leo, who were conveniently sitting across from one another. “And I wanted to start with that. The nightmares.”

Both Raph and Leo winced slightly, looking away.

“Either one of you want to start? I know they’re tough topics to talk about, but one way to stop them from happening is to confront them.”

Neither spoke.

Mikey nodded, understanding how difficult it was to openly discuss their fears. “Alright, how about I start?”

The brothers looked confused. Mikey was having nightmares? “Raph didn’t know you were having bad dreams, Mikester, are you okay?”

“Sure am, Raph.” He sat down, “I had nightmares up until a month ago. Almost every night. For the first while, a lot of what I saw was losing Leo, over and over again. Reliving a situation where, no matter what I did, I couldn’t open that portal. In those dreams, Leo died because I was too weak to help him, unable to do the one thing Casey said I was known for.”

“Mikey…” Leo’s voice trailed off, pain in his eyes.

“But not anymore. I got freaked out with these dreams because the fear of losing Leo, especially in that moment, kept carrying on into the aftermath. Leo was home, very injured, but alive. So, that fear started to go away.” He stopped, to emphasise his switching points, “After those nightmares, I kept seeing dreams where my arms would fall apart, and all of a sudden, you guys didn’t want me around anymore.”

Raph's face broke for a minute, but Mikey gave him a reassuring hand.

“So, I spoke with Casey for a while about why I felt so pressured to handle the mystic powers the way I did. I was afraid that my mystic abilities were the only thing the bad future cared about me for, so if I couldn’t fulfill that expectation, what was I ever going to achieve? But that’s not the case. Past- or future- or, whatever, timelines are weird, whichever version of me went through the apocalypse was known for a lot more than that.” Mikey had a soft smile, putting a hand over his heart, “I saved a lot of people, mystic or not. I was known for my heart, my relationships, and my art . I knew that version of me had so much more going for him than just my mystic powers. Once I worked through that, the nightmares stopped.”

Donnie watched his little brother, amazed at how someone so young, so fragile, was so much stronger emotionally than any of them. He almost felt ashamed of himself. Why couldn’t Donnie be more like him?

Mikey looked at his brothers, waiting for someone to go next.

Raph nervously took a breath. “Raph’s been getting a variety of nightmares. Most nights, it's watching myself get overtaken by the Kraang, where that fight with Leo… Leo doesn’t win. Where Raph wins. It’s tearing Raph apart, man.” His voice cracked just a smidge.

“Where you win, or where the Kraang win? Because during that fight, the Kraang had full control over you, those actions weren’t made with Raph’s mind, they were made by the Kraang's mind.” Mikey said softly.

“I know,” Raph whispered, surprising his brothers with the lack of third person. “I think…” He tested words out in his mind as Mikey waited patiently. “I don’t know, it’s just,” He groaned, not wanting to admit his fears out loud. But when he looked at his waiting brothers, he didn’t see an ounce of judgment. Even in Donnie, all he saw was patience and acceptance, so he took in the heavy words and found the confidence to speak. “With the way that I am, big ‘ol snapping turtle and whatnot, I was afraid that you guys would all start to think I was a monster, or that I could be violent by choice. I was worried that after seeing me in that Kraang state, you’d be stuck seeing me as a threat, someone or something to fear.” He touched his right cheek gently, “Especially since I’ve got the permanent marks of what happened. At first glance, even yokai fear me, just by the way that I look, now I’ve got these wild scars. What if that violence changed something in your eyes?

“Aw, Raph, no!” Leo reached out his hand, finding Raph's. “We all know you were hurting at that time, you were doing everything you could to stop what was happening.” Raph gave Leo’s hand a small squeeze. “Besides, we’ll always know our big brother is just a big teddy bear, no matter what you look like. You have to pay attention to the heart.” A few tears welled up in the snapping turtle's eyes.

“Thanks, Leo. I appreciate that.”

“Do you get any other nightmares?” Mikey pushed.

Raph shrugged, “Sometimes, but it’s mostly the same idea. I get some nightmares about being taken over by the Kraang again, but I don’t know if those fears will ever truly go away. It was a terrible experience that I know won’t ever happen again, but… it still hurts a little.”

“We get that. We’re always going to be here for support and to remind you that you’re safe, Raph. Thank you for sharing.” Mikey stood and wrapped his little arms around Raph in a big hug. When he sat back down, he looked to his blue brother. “Leo?”

This is where Leo felt his heart tense up. His nightmares were all over the place. They’ve discussed them before in therapy; the nightmares about the Kraang, the Prison Dimension, all of that had been talked through, and those dreams were going away over time. But Mikey meant the new nightmares. The ones that tore him apart all of the previous day. These dreams were about Donnie .

“Yeah, uh,” He looked at his twin. “I know you don’t really want to talk about emotional stuff, Don, but I think I should talk about what I was seeing.”

Donnie shifted in his seat uneasily, but he nodded.

“The main one I’m seeing, as of late, is Donnie…” He took a deep breath, trying to stabilize his weakening voice, “dying in a fight.” Donnie looks away. “I know, I’m sorry. I keep seeing these situations where we’re all divided, fighting some enemy, be it Kraang, Big Mama, Shredder, or something else. Every time, without fail, something happens to Donnie. He gets stuck. Sometimes his legs give out, sometimes he can't lift his bō, he can't escape a trap, just something . I’m always given the chance to help him, like a taunt, but no matter what I do, I can never get to him. I’m stuck, and I watch him get killed. Over and over again, in a new god-awful way every time.” Leo explained everything so quickly that he’s out of breath. He stops abruptly, anxiously seeing Donnie’s response.

Donnie’s expression is difficult to read. There’s concern, fear, anger, maybe?

“Okay,” Mikey sounds like he’s going to cry, almost. “Where do you think those fears are coming from?” Mikey kept an eye on Donnie, interested to see what would happen. He was worried after he found Donnie that afternoon. He had recovered pretty quickly, but he was still dragging his feet, still queasy, not eating all that well. Maybe this would reveal something, maybe he would open up for once.

“I think I’m just scared. After the invasion, Donnie made it out in the best condition. He was the one thing that…” Realizing Leo hadn’t voiced this fear of his, he stopped. But Mikey knew what that meant when he stopped mid-thought. So it was now or never. “I keep getting stuck in the thought that I’m at fault for all of your injuries. Just because I lost the key. And I know! I know I’m not, I’m really trying to get rid of that idea, and I’m getting better, it’s just not gone yet.” He finished that sentence quickly. He wasn’t lying, but he didn’t want to get a whole other section of therapy on a problem he was already fixing. “For Donnie, seeing him as healthy as he was, was the one thing that made me feel a bit better. I could have screwed up more, you know? I didn’t mess up everyone in my family. So many things could have been worse, but they weren’t. He was a point of recovery, something I could start with.”

Donnie looked up, both fearful and sad.

“I’m going to be honest, Don, and I don’t mean this with any ill intent, but you’ve changed since the invasion. We all have, which is why I think this is just anxiety eating away at me.” Leo looked right into his eyes, hoping his message was clear. He wasn’t blaming Donnie; he knew this was all incredibly difficult. “With the way you changed, you seem so much more tired, more exhausted, like you’re in pain. So that insecure part of me keeps thinking that something is wrong and we aren’t taking care of it. Because of that, because of my oversight and mistake, this unknown problem gets dismissed and is the reason you get killed in the fight.”

The quiet turtle takes a moment to think. Emotions weren’t his thing, Leo knew that, so he was happy that he was even considering a response.

“I appreciate your concern, Nardo,” he started, his voice as flat as ever, “and I can see why that fear manifested into something like that. I will admit, I am more tired than I ever have been, but I can assure you that it’s because I’ve been working on a lot of technology, a lot of coding and systems, things to keep us safe. I haven’t been sleeping well, at least not consistently. As I know, Mikey is going to ask, I promise to make improvements to my sleep schedule. I just ask that you hold off on your expectation of such acts until I am, at least, 65% confident in my developing safety measures. In case you’re wondering, I am currently at 54% surety.”

“Thank you, Donnie. Leo, does that reassure you at all?”

Leo smiled, knowing how annoyed his brother must be. “It does.” It was the honest truth, even if a bit of anxiety would keep gnawing at his mind for who knows how long. He’d always care about his brother.

“Any other nightmares?”

Leo groaned, “Yeah, still Donnie related, I fear.” Donnie appeared unfazed, much to Leo’s surprise. “But I can’t really understand what it means.”

“Then let's talk about it.” Dr. Feelings was working overtime tonight.

The Slider looked unsure. “It’s uncomfortable. Donnie might not like to hear about it.”

“I’ll stick around until it’s too much,” he said simply.

For what felt like the thousandth time that night, Leo took a deep breath. “It’s mostly pitch black, wherever we are, just a void with some hazy purple lights. Much like the Technodrome. Donnie is far in front of me, his voice weakly calling out. He says he doesn’t feel well and wants to go home, but it’s so hard to hear him. His voice is scratchy, and he can’t keep a sentence flowing. When I get to him, we start walking away, but I don’t know where to. There are no doors, no visible pathways, but we’re walking. But then he starts coughing, an aggressive kind of cough that sounds like something is lodged in his throat.” Donnie’s shoulders curl in, “not quite throwing up, but he’s gagging. He’s like that for a bit, while I try and console him through it, then he starts coughing up a bit of blood, then rather quickly,” Leo looked at his brother, anxious, “the blood starts thickening until it’s almost solid. The color turns pink, and he is now coughing up slimy, small, Kraang bits, I think.”

Donnie quickly stands, hand over his mouth, and races off.

“Oh god, did I go too far?” Leo asked, scared that he had only made things worse.

“No, no, you’re doing good. Raph, can you go check up on him?” He nodded, and Mikey looked back at Leo. “Go on.”

Shuddering, “Eventually, he stops coughing, but the Kraang bits keep coming until they’re no longer bits but just full Kraang arms coming out of Donnie’s mouth, like they’re using his throat as an extension into the world. His eyes close and reopen, looking like the Kraang did,” Leo’s voice is shaking, the pitch inconsistent and breaking. “Donnie looks at me, then lunges in my direction. That’s usually when I wake up.”

Mikey is staring at him, hand over his mouth in shock.

“I’m sorry, maybe I should have-”

“No, Leo, don’t apologize. This is what we’re here for.” Mikey swallows hard, recentering himself. “Leo, I am so sorry you’re seeing this. Thank you for telling me.”

“Yeah,” he nodded weakly. “Do you think we could maybe finish this conversation another time? I need to go see Donnie.” Leo forced out, feeling his heart begin to race and his lungs begin to strain. 

“Yes, of course. I understand.” Leo stood from his seat, eyes becoming distant. Once he was gone, Mikey fell back into his chair, resting his hands on his forehead. Well, that was far worse than what he was expecting, but at least he got his brothers to open up. 

Now he had to figure out what in the world that dream meant. He got Leo to open up, but any hopes of getting Donnie to do the same went out the window.

Leo needed to get to his brother, who he found in the kitchen with Raph, downing several glasses of water. Throwing up was one of Donnie’s worst fears, that sensory demand being far too much.

“Donnie, I’m so sorry,” he lifted a hesitant hand to his brother.

“No,” he said through a long drink of water. Once he finished it off, he set the cup down, and against all expectations, Donnie pulled his brother in for a hug, and he didn’t let go. “No, don't say that, please.” His voice was barely above a whisper.

Leo wasn’t sure if that went better or worse than what he expected.

Chapter Text

Donnie felt sick . Carrying over with his fatigue from earlier, he now had a deep pit in his stomach, a black hole eating away at his insides. There was no way he was going to be able to sleep. He felt sick to his stomach, the imagery of that awful dream Leo spoke about making him dizzy and uneasy. He was thrilled he didn’t have to hear the conclusion of the second nightmare. Donnie didn’t think his body could handle it. The first one Leo retold ripped new fears into his head. How many times had Leo watched Donnie die?

It’s too late for you now, Donatello.

He should have said something earlier. He should have listened to his dumb-dumb brothers. Now he was too deep in the lies. Leo had solidified his and Donnie’s fears. Now, Leo was haunted by Donnie’s mystery problems, and Donnie was haunted by his inability to say anything. He had to derail these fears; he had to fix himself. Quickly. Maybe he needed to start training again. Make himself stronger, make Leo’s doubts fade.

Just pretend everything is okay, and things will pass. Leo will see that he’s fine. Besides, he already addressed where the fear was coming from, and Donnie had done his best to reassure him, so surely, those fears would be gone in no time. Right?

A vision of Donnie throwing up broken pieces of Kraang appeared in his mind. He gagged, hands clasping over his mouth. “Oh, god,” he muttered. His head was spinning again.

Grabbing his bō, Donnie stood from his bed and slowly made his way to the kitchen.

It was late in the night, the lair dark and quiet. Through his hazy vision, he could see a dim light coming from his father's room, and barely audible conversations in Japanese filled the distant hallway. He could hear movement somewhere else in his home, but couldn’t pinpoint where from. He stumbled through the cabinets and grabbed a cup. Filling it with water, he drank it all in one go, gasping for air when he was done.

Get it together. You never dreamt these things, Leo did; he’s the one suffering. Not you.

He huffed, turning around and leaning against the counter. He leaned his head back, slowing his breathing. Donnie sat there for a few minutes, waiting for his spinning head to come to a halt and his heartbeat to return to normal. He didn’t even notice how fast his heart was racing. He glanced down at his arm band, swiping to the vitals screen. His heart’s BPM history showed that two minutes ago, his heart was beating at 180 beats per minute. “Jeez,” he slurred.

His head started pounding again when he started to hear moving somewhere in the nearby living room. He looked out from the kitchen entrance, trying to see which brother was also plagued by insomnia.

It was too dark to see anything. He couldn’t tell what the noise was, but someone was definitely out there.

When he stood from his spot against the counter, leaning on his staff, he went to the entrance to look further in. Why hadn’t they said something?

Looking deep into the dark of his living room, he swore he saw someone moving in the corner. Two minuscule red lights appeared, barely bright enough to see. “What…?” Donnie squinted. The lights blinked. A strange hum filled Donnie’s ears, and his arms started to shake. “Who is that? Leo, are you messing with me? Cause I swear to Galileo, I will tear you to shreds.”

The shadows looked like they were moving. The small red lights began dancing around, like eyes darting back and forth. The screen on his arm started to beep. Donnie kept his narrowed eyes on the moving shadows, raising his arm to his eyes.

HEART RATE WARNING

Against his better judgment, he took his eyes off of the living room darkness and looked at the screen in full. He clicked on the notification, not noticing how he swayed. 

Heart Rate: 204

Donnie encourages you to sit down and slow your breathing! 

His breathing becomes heavy. What is going on? He looks back at the living room, his vision tilting. He stumbles, catching himself on the wall. Donnie puts a hand on his forehead, closing his eyes, the pain resurging.

Forcing his eyes open, he can’t locate the piercing red eyes. His breath hitches, now quickly trying to relocate the monster.

“Purple?” A voice snapped it out of it. “Purple, you look unwell.” A hand grabbed Donnie’s, making him jump.

“There’s something in the living room, Dad,” Donnie whispered, eyes frozen in front of him.

Splinter, quite concerned, tried to see what his son was talking about, but there wasn’t anything there. The rat made his way to the light switch and flicked it on. As he expected, the living room was empty.

“What? No, that’s not right, I saw something.” Donnie turned around, frantically searching the kitchen.

Splinter grabbed his son’s shaking hands. "You must head to bed, my son. This isn’t good for you.” It didn’t take much effort for Splinter to begin guiding Donnie away from the kitchen. The turtle's eyes were blank, confused. His body moved with little strength.

When Splinter brought Donnie to his room, Donnie managed to get his control back. “Sorry, pops.” He whispered, looking at his feet, when he finally sat on his bed.

“No need, purple.” Splinter took his son's hands, "You’re scared. Are you alright?”

Donnie shook his head, “I don't know.” He took a shaky breath. “I’m feeling very stuck right now.” He was shocked at how easily he could speak. Everything from the past few days crashed down on him, making him far weaker than he’d ever like to be. His father would always be a weakness, it seems, hoping that his honesty would make Splinter proud. 

“About what?”

“So many things. Leo’s nightmares are scaring me, and now I can’t make a good decision because I’m scared I’ll make the wrong one. I think I’m making everything worse by trying to make things better.” Tears threatened to fall onto his face. He was so stressed. He needed to say something, or else he was going to collapse. He could almost feel his childhood self crying out for his father, his emotional shelter. Tears began to roll down Donnie’s face. “I’m so anxious all of the time, which I hate . I’ve never been so on edge all the time., I’m supposed to be calm. That’s who I am. I’m so tired, Dad, this wasn’t supposed to happen.”

Splinter sighed, wiping a tear away. “You’ve been through a lot, it’s only natural that you’re dealing with some new things. Are you hurt?” Splinter knew about his blue son's recent fears. Mikey had recounted the therapy session earlier that day.

Donnie bit his lip. Now or never, Donald. Do something.

“I think so,” he muttered, words dragging out. “I don’t know what, though.”

Splinter looked shocked, “Well, that's no good! You should be getting help, my boy, not keeping it to yourself.”

Donnie shook his head, “Not yet. Please, Dad, I’m begging you,” He looked his father in the eyes, “Don’t say anything to my brothers. I don’t want to make things worse. They’re already scared; if there's a mystery problem with me, none of them are going to finish healing.” 

His father began to protest. He wasn’t going to let his son willingly make himself worse.

“Please,” Donnie pushed. “Let me figure out what’s wrong with me, and then I’ll get help. I promise. If I know the problem, we can approach it directly. That way, it’ll ease the fears.

Splinter knew Donnie wasn’t going to take no for an answer. “My son, you’re just going to hurt yourself more by doing that.”

“I’m finding ways to manage, I’ll be okay.”

They were silent.

“Promise me, Dad, that you won't say anything.” Splinter looked away. He didn’t want to agree to this. “Dad, promise me.” He pleaded, his voice unstable. Splinter realized just how much this was weighing down on his son's conscience.

Splinter sighed. His son was smart. He may not have agreed to this strange process, but if Donnie had his heart set on it, then the best thing he could do was support him. “Fine. But if I see it get too bad, I’m saying something, and we’re getting you tested. You hear me?”

Donnie smiled. “Okay. Thanks, pops.”

Unusual for the old rat, Splinter hugged his son. He could tell Donnie was uncomfortable with the sudden contact, but he needed to hold his son close. Donnie needed to know he cared.

“Good night, purple.”

“Night, Dad.”

Donnie sat in the dark, in silence, for a few more minutes after his dad left. He was done pretending. He couldn't lie to himself anymore. 

There was something wrong with him. Something unnatural and wrong. If he wanted to fix it, he’d have to find the problem. His eyes were heavy, puffy from the crying. He sniffed, pulling himself into his bed and wrapping himself tightly in blankets.

He had a long process ahead of him.