Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

 Rainy laid on her bed for hours, it seemed. She couldn't sleep.

Her thoughts were a mess of self loathing and self destructing ideas.

Neither particularly pleasant.

She didn't know who she was or what she was doing.

Alone in the middle of space.

She didn't even know who she was before the enterprise! Aside from the few remaining records of her existence that had been found.

Not that those were especially  enlightening.

Everything felt like a chore weighted down by cement stuck to her limbs, pointless and more trouble than it was worth. Sleeping was the only escape and even that she was bad at.

As she had also noted there weren't many clocks in the enterprise, and her quarters were no exception.

On her bedside table was a single 

bottle of prescription pills… maybe,–she wondered– maybe this was her solution.

— 

The kid was not in the medbay as scheduled. She wasn't a remarkably punctual individual by a long shot, but her enthusiasm to learn was enough that she would show up mostly on time.

Bones reluctantly had accepted her as her little intern of sorts, and she was always excited to learn, he had to admit it was nice to have company in the sickbay. He still complained about it to Jim, of course, but it was still a secret pleasure of his, Bones’ little follower.

About an hour after Rainy was supposed to report to Sickbay and after failing to contact her through the ship’s speakers he decides to go see what was up.

Probably stayed up and slept in, it would be in character.

Bones made his way to Rainy’s quarters and knocked impatiently.

“Kid, you were supposed to report to medbay an hour algo, hurry up or I'm making you study human feces.”

A loud crash was heard followed by a few grunts and hurried steps. Less than five minutes later she stood in the open doorway awaiting the next instruction,looking messier and more unkempt than usual, but smiling as wide as ever.

“Jesus kid, how'd you manage to make your hair look messier than usual? You look like you fought with your damn mattress and lost.”

They shrugged.

“Not the first time it has happened”

Bones rolled his eyes, yeah of course. He stepped into the doorway, arms crossed behind his back.

“Room looks… dare I say even worse than you.” He said as he lifted an eyebrow.

Her belongings were scattered on the floor, drawers left half opened.

Something made him panic instantly though, pills, he knew she had prescription pills, he administered them himself, he let it slip that she took some more than usual, hell, being in the enterprise was the most nerve wracking job to have, now take a kid with  anxiety disorders? He figures she deserves it.

But an overdose? That he can't let slip, if the kid is a danger to herself—

“Doctor?”

Bones glanced back at her.

Rainys eyes were glassy, drops of sweat accumulating on her forehead.

He silently walked over to her night stand and took the half empty bottle.

He gave her the new bottle two days ago.

He glanced at her once more.

“You really take this many?” His voice was still calm, but flat. Hard.

Her eyes flickered to the bottle, then away. “I didn't count.”

“Damn it kid!” He set the bottle down a bit too harshly and turned to her. “How many?”

Rainy kept her head down.

“I think I'm gonna be sick.”

The kid said while struggling to keep standing.

“Yeah no shit! You took who knows how many damn pills.”

Bones rushed over to her and his hand on her back, making her walk with him.

The damn kid was gonna get herself killed! What would’ve happened had he not checked in? The idea was more than frightening.

“We're going to sickbay”

Rainy did not respond, neither did she walk, the kid went limp and fell on the ground.

—

Rainy opened her eyes sluggishly to find herself in the medbay, feeling all kinds of sick, and still, rather depressed, not ideal.

She was lightheaded and although hungry, she also appreciated her empty stomach at the moment.

Would’ve dumped its contents out otherwise.

Doctor McCoy was sitting next to her biobed writing something down, he hadn't noticed Rainy was awake.

“You mad?” She asked. The doctor put his notepad down and looked at her. “I'm always mad.”

She looked down, of course he was mad, she was mad at herself too, and honestly embarrassed, Doctor McCoy had more important things to do than to deal with her bullshit.

“I mean, are you more than usual?”

He clenched his jaw before speaking.

“Yes, not with you, dumb kid. just… damned disappointed.”

Rainy just stayed quiet, you know how you have muscle memory for certain things? Even if you don't know where you got it from, Rainy has that, she had many habits she likely got in her earlier life, and she has no idea how, a nice little gift from her amnesia.

Well one of those habits was, to expect the worst, she had expected the doctor to search her room for any possible things she could harm herself with, to yell and get angry, something! And the lack of a strong reaction, it was unnerving.

Not managing to hold it in, she asked.

“Aren't you gonna yell at me?”

Bones raised an eyebrow.

“Might have if you hadn't fainted on me earlier, i reckon i'm past the yelling window.”

Rainy felt relief wash over her, it was still hard to accept that she was nt in danger after fucking up.

“Are you gonna tell anyone?”

Bones looked at her and left his notepad on his desk, as he stood up.

“Already did, you just reminded me i ought to tell Jim you're awake”

“YOU TOLD JIM?” She exclaimed. Heart sinking in her chest.

Maybe it was her admiration for him but the idea that he knew something was fundamentally wrong with her…Well yes it was rather distressing.

It was impressive he managed to take her seriously as young and naive as she was. Rainy didn't want him to feel pity for her too, she was strong, she could handle it.

“He's the captain, it's my duty to report to him.” He explained “And i would have made you tell him eventually. Kid I couldn't give a damn if you think you are a burden. you feel bad, you come to me, middle of the night or early morning, you talk to me damn it! got it?”

She nodded with a faint smile

“got it.”

“Now rest while i tell Jim you're up and running”

—

Captain's log stardate 3341.5.

Doctor McCoy reportes her student, cadet Raine Lesink, lost consciousness from a presumed drug overdose, likely self inflicted.

The matters at hand are strictly confidential as I await doctor McCoy’s updates on the patient.

The implications of this are rather distressing, i trust, however, our doctors judgement blindly, and earnestly hope this situation is quickly resolved

Jim had spent the past hour anxious about Rainys condition, she was such a bright kid, youngest person of the crew and likely the youngest cadet to get into a starfleet spaceship.

It was such a failure from him as a captain then, for him not to notice the signs of struggle.

How she never seemed to feel bad, she'd always smile, always nod, but now looking back at it those smiles never reached her eyes.

How did he not notice?

What kind of captain cant see someone at that low of a moment?

The sound of the intercom interrupted his thoughts. 

“McCoy to bridge, the little lady is awake captain.”

“On my way to sick bay, Kirk out.”

And so he stood up and walked over to sickbay, thinking still about his shameful failure to realize Rainy’s situation.

He softly opened the door and stepped in.

Rainy sat in a biobed talking with Bones, she looked pale and tired, but she at least looked alive.

“Took you long enough” the doctor muttered.

Jim walked up to Rainy and sat down at her side “How's our patient doing?”

“Good.” Rainy said flatly. It was odd to see her not smile, had they all been faked? 

Bones stood up with his PADD in hand.

“I’ll leave you two alone, i need to write my medical log.”

Jim directed a knowing look at him.

Bones caught his eye as he left.

As soon as the doctor was out of sight Jim turned to face the young cadet.

“It wasn't what you think it is.” Rainy mumbled.

“I'm not assuming anything.”

Rainy sighed. “But i know bones told you I tried to kill myself” The teen seemed to want to go straight to the point, which Jim respected.

“Nothing to be ashamed of, we all go through moments…myself included.” The shame of her actions belonged to Jim, Rainy didn't deserve it.

The kid blinked, surprised at his honesty. It happened a little too often people thought James Kirk was this perfect unbreakable starfleet captain.

He wishes he were that.

“I- it wasn't like that, i just wanted a break from everything.” Rainy mumbled, fidgeting with her shirt as she spoke.

“I'm sorry I wasn't thinking clearly, I'm fine now though!”

It was clear she wasn't, but instead of debating Jim placed his hand on her shoulder, firmly gripping it. 

“You know you can always talk to us?”

Rainy looked up at him, holding eye contact for a brief moment.

“Define ‘us’” her tone had a slight edge to it.

“Us as in the crew, bones, uhura, scotty, we’ll always be there, even Spock in his own 'logical’ way.”

Rainy looked down at her hands, Jim noted they were slightly shaking, the kid couldn't seem to keep his gaze up.

Kirk made a decision.

“…Talking about Spock, I’ve decided it's for the best your duties in the sickbay are placed on hold”

“WHAT?” Rainy’s voice shot up, her head snapped up to look at Jim, she had an expression not unlike that of a kid who’s been grounded. Which to be fair, wasn't far off.

“You'll help and learn from Spock in his work as a science officer.”

Rainy frowned.

“B- But I'm a medical intern! Not a scientist!”

“I need you out of the sickbay for some time, and that's an order”

Rainy bit her lower lip, clearly trying hard to keep unwise words to herself

“Yes captain.” She muttered, clenching her jaw.

The sound of the intercom interrupted the slightly tense scene.

Jim sighed. Duty calls.

“Rest well kid.”

—

Chapter Text

Spock, Spock, Spock.

Half vulcan, completely serious at all times.

Cold, logical, barely shows facial expressions outside of the occasional judgmental eyebrow lift.

Yeah, that Spock.

Science officer, second in command, captain Kirk’s best friend.

No pressure.

I mean sure it's only the most intimidating half man on the enterprise. Rainy will work with him for a week ! Awesome! Absolutely amazing !

Bones practically dragged Rainy out of her quarters the morning after the whole overdose situation, Jim gave her the rest of the day off but now she had to go to the bridge where she'd help Spock do whatever it was he did.

Science was always cool and interesting to her but she suspected it wouldn't be particularly entertaining coming from Spock.

All of this, obviously, she complained about to Bones when he came to get her but he only said. “He might be a pointy eared bastard but if I were to trust anyone in the enterprise with you hurricane of a person, it’d be Jim .”

Rainy tilted her head and looked at the doctor, a touch confused.

“Don't you mean ‘him’?”

Bones shook his head with a grin.

“No. Spock’s my second choice”

“By the way wouldn't I be more of a rainstorm of a person?”

Bones bit his lower lip containing a dry laugh.

“Yeah sure kid. ”

They walked together to the bridge.

Every step was a rollercoaster.

As much as bones berated her for not eating she was pretty sure it was better than constantly throwing up because of how anxious she was.

As she walked she sighed and looked at bones, a last desperate attempt.

“Are you really gonna make me do this?”

Bones didn't even look at her.

“You’ll live”

As they got up to the door to the bridge, Bones patted her back and started walking away.

“You’re on your own kid.”

Anxiety bubbled up through her esophagus, tying a neat little knot on her throat. She wanted him to stay.

SHIT she was screwed, part of her wanted to follow bones and hide in the sickbay all day but she knew Bones wouldn't let that happen.

Damn it!

Rainy could only watch helplessly as he walked away.

She gulped, okay, fine, she can do it.

Finally she pushed the door open and walked up to the vulcan.

“Mr. Spock, I've been assigned to work with you in your duties as science officer.”

Spock looked at her and, still expressionless, replied.

“So I've been informed.”

“Uh– yeah.”

That was cold. What else is new?

The vulcan turned away from her back to the computers, silently signaling a seat besides him.

Rainy followed the instruction and stared at the countless buttons, screens and numbers before her.

“Um, Mr. Spock?”

“Yes?”

“What do I do?”

Spock raised a silently judging eyebrow at her before turning to her direction.

“I’d assume based on logic that you would be prepared for this area, it would be illogical to assign you in an occupation you know nothing about.”

Well, yes. Tell that to Jim!

As if she needed reminders of her own stupidity.

Rainy bit her tongue though, she wasn’t about to disrespect the first officer.

“Perhaps you’re right sir.”

“However, if you're here let the time not be wasted.”

Okay so did he want her there or not? Yet again Rainy kept comments to herself.

“Seeing as you’re unaware of standard procedure I will explain to you the fundamentals of data analysis.”

This would be so fun…

—

Okay it was, decent.

Rainy spent half the time being anxious about not understanding things.

She was a quick learner, but oh god.

She was out of her comfort zone for sure, she barely registered half the things Spock said, and his ‘logical’ comments made her feel like his damn science project!

Which she was NOT.

But in the end something caught her by surprise.

“Cadet, do you play chess?”

Rainy stayed blankly at him before answering.

“Uh, I- yeah? I don't actually know”

Fuzzy memories were supposed to be there but it was as if her brain directed her to a section of a library full of blank books 'Here's everything you need to know!’ Gee thanks brain.

“I shall teach you then, at 1800 hours.”

—

“He asked you to play chess?”

Bones eyed her up and down.

“Yeah!” Rainy confirmed.

Bones with both elbows on his desk put his hands together and pointed them at her.

“You?” He raised an inquisitive eyebrow

“What might you be implying Mr Doctor?” Rainy said grinning mischievously. Bones shrugged.

“Kid I've only seen him play with people who… know what they're doing”

“I mean probably because most normal people don't want to play against a guy whose brain is a damn computer–“ 

“Lenguage!” The teen smiled sheepishly. Bones grinned.

“Right, sorry”

“Damn right you are.” The doctor nodded.

“Hey now, you can say damn but I can’t?” The kid crossed her arms and glared at him.

“Welcome to the real world kid, life is unfair.” Rainy rolled her eyes.

“You know what else is unfair? Me playing against Spock when I don't even know how to play chess”

“Said it once, will say it again, you’ll live.”

Easier said than done.

Rainy slumped and let her head rest on bones' desk.

“But what if Spock actually pulls out a flamethrower and obliterates me when I make the wrong move.”

Bones laughed dryly and shook his head. “In which case just use your phaser on stun before he can use his flamethrower. Not that you'd beat him at that either, th’ pointy eared bastard has some damn good reflexes.”

“Gosh, genius. How didn’t I think of that?”

“Well now you know what to do in that case, you’re ready, now scram you’re distracting me from work.”

The man shooed her away with his hand. 

—

It was time to play chess.

Was it even playing if it was chess? It's not a game, it's a glorified set of calculations! There’s much better ways to burn time.

She stepped into the room a few minutes later than the time Spock had set, the vulcan was already seated in front of the board.

“Cadet, you’re 3 minutes with 23 seconds past our agreed time of arrival.”

Jeez, she wasn’t even a full ten minutes late, she should be congratulated on that already.

This guy needed to chill.

“Sorry! Time flies.” Rainy said with a smile.

“I believe time cannot fly as it is not a physical object.” Spock deadpanned.

The teen’s smile slightly faltered

“Right.”

As Spock explained the game to her in their first match, Rainy realized she was actually pretty intuitive. It seemed as if she had perhaps played before and simply didn't remember it.

“Are you positive this is your first time playing?”

“…No”

“Your way of adapting to rules is remarkable, although your moves are rushed, making you do illogical maneuvers.”

He might as well just call her an idiot.

Rainy clenched her jaw.

“Yes Mr. Spock, I seem to be illogical.”

She took one of her horse pieces and eliminated one of Spock’s rooks with it.

“Haha!”

Take that Spock! The vulcan showed no reaction.

“Illogical, checkmate." Spock moved another one of his pieces and took her king, Rainy’s smile faded as quickly as it came.

Damn it!

“Now that you’re accustomed to the rules, would you like to play again?”

Rainy nodded her head enthusiastically, she needed to beat him.

The second game was slower, more thoughtful.

She was determined to win.

But no matter how much she tried to focus there was always a detail she missed, a piece in danger that the vulcan would take from her.

“I’d recommend looking out for that queen.”

Rainy stared at him, confused.

“You’re giving me tips now?”

“It is more effective for your learning experience.” He said.

Just then the captain came in through the door, and smiled at the both of them.

“Playing with your student Spock?”

“It is most logical to assess her mental capacities.”

Right, because she was only that, a project to be assessed.

“Why of course.” Jim said, with a smile, he seemed to find Spock’s response funny. Maybe the captain shared the vulcan’s weird sense of humor.

“Care if I stay and watch? I'm intrigued.”

Yes, yes she did. leave now. She didn't need Jim to see her ass get beaten at chess pathetically.

“We don't mind.” Rainy finally said.

Spock lifted an eyebrow, as if he could see through her lie.

Jim pulled a chair close and sat down besides Rainy.

“You know when I first played against Spock he beat me in five moves.” Jim commented.

“Seven, captain.” The vulcan corrected.

“He beat me in four.” Rainy sighed, embarrassed.

“Oh dont worry Rainy, im pretty sure the only one in the enterprise to beat Spock at chess is me.” Jim said, with a smug smile.

“For now…” Rainy muttered to herself.

“Thats the spirit!”

Spock moved one of his pieces and looked at her.

“Chekmate.”

Rainy clenched her fists and bit her lower lip.

“Damn it!”

Chapter Text

Some chess matches later it was time to sleep.
Rainy slipped out of her boots and threw them to the side as soon as she got to her room.
A heavy sigh escaped her as she finally got to decompress from the day.
It was like she was shedding her sweaty and tired skin.

Rainy changed out of her uniform and collapsed into bed.
What a day…

As far as first days go she was a total mess.

She could feel all the memories from the day flooding back and reminding her she wasn't enough.

Spock thought she was a stupid idiot for sure, she didn't deserve her spot in the enterprise and she stuck out like a sore thumb at the science department. At least in Sickbay she felt capable and less… like a piece of the wrong puzzle.

She didn't deserve anything.
Rainy sighed and looked at her hands for what could’ve been hours.
She needed a distraction.

Still in her pajamas she stumbled out of her room.
She considered going to sickbay to get her meds but Bones had probably moved them after… the incident.
She could go get Bones… or Jim.
But it was night time and they deserved rest, both of them were busy and needed to sleep properly.
She could handle herself.
She wandered aimlessly through the empty halls, it was slightly unnerving.

She stopped at a viewing screen.
The enterprise didn't have any actual windows but the viewing screens were the closest thing to them they had.
She stared at the endless void, far away stars only speckles compared the emptiness of space.

It was both reassuring and disheartening.
On one hand in the grand scheme of things, her own personal failures would never make an impact on the world. On the other hand no matter how much she achieved she’d never make a difference or an impact even if she did her best, even if she was the best.
What are us simple humans in the empty vacuum that is our universe?
So impossibly big we can’t begin to comprehend it.

She rested her head against the cool glass and let her mind wander with the static noise of the ships engines until her eyelids grew heavy and she walked back to her room to sleep.
—

Rainy stumbled into sickbay looking like an undead creature.
Bones looked at her with amusement and slight concern.
“What the hell happened to you?”
She rested her arms on Bones’ desk and let her head smash onto it.
“Coffee, then talk.”
“Jeez you’re demanding.” Bones muttered, but went to get her a cup.
“I couldn’t sleep, I just kinda laid in bed until I was unconscious.” It was a half truth, she didn’t need to tell him she actually started spiraling and had to go walk outside to get her shit together.
“I could give you some pills for that.” The doctor proposed. Rainy tilted her head.
“Would you trust me with them?”
“Would you trust yourself with them?”
“No.” Rainy said, voice flat.
“Well that settles it…”
“Yeah…” She took a sip of her coffee and sat in silence with Bones as she finished her cup.
“Well, gotta go science or something– bye Bones!” She walked out of sickbay less dead looking and ready to start the day .(to the best of her capabilities.)

She arrived exactly on time this time, not that Spock cared, he just silently motioned her to sit.
“Cadet, considering I’ve given you the necessary information to start working on your own, I’ll give you a small individual assignment.”

She was so not ready to handle her own assignment without help.
Perhaps Spock caught on to her worried expression because he then added.
“It’s simple and will take you a short amount of time, it is a task of logic.”

Great, she was great at logic, that’s why she took anxiety pills like candy. It was only logical.
“What is it exactly?”

“There is a discrepancy in the gravimetric readings of one of the science labs. You are to analyze the sensor data from the past 48 hours, isolate the anomaly, and determine its cause.”

What.
She knew in the deep dark depths of her mind that she was crashcoursed on this when she first joined, but for so long she focused on medicine.
She was a fish out of water.

“I see.” She muttered, looking at the logs attempting to hide her confusion.
Spock turned away and left without saying a word.
Rainy let out a sigh and banged her head on the computer.
“I miss Bones.” She whined to herself.
“You’ve got this Rainy.” She said with forced determination.
It’s a task of logic.
Simple.
She could do it.

No. No. No. No she couldn’t.
She stared at graphics that looked all the same to her.
ANOMALY MY ASS she thought.
What if this was another “mental capacity assessment” and she failed?
Well then at least she’d be out of the science department.
Where would Jim put her then? Back on Sickbay? Probably not.
Oh god what if she failed and Jim decided she was unfit for the enterprise.

Okay FOCUS.
She needed focus.
The data was all the same because it meant it was normal, an anomaly should stick out, 48 hours of data is a lot, she’ll find it. It’s fine.

“How’s your progress cadet?” Spock’s voice scared the shit out of her. Rainy embarassingly let out a startled squeak, before replying with her face completely red.
“I’m FINE it’s going amazing Doc— Mr Spock.” She looked at her regular looking data pretending she wasn’t lost. “Oh boy, anomalies sure are anomaling!” she said enthusiastically. Spock raised an eyebrow.
“The current data is all regular.”
“I knew that.”
Rainy internally screamed as she rubbed her temples, not knowing what else to do.
She probably should’ve been done by now and wasn’t even close to finishing.
“Do you require assistance?”
“No!” She said a bit too quickly.
“I see. cadet, it’s normal and expected for young students to require guidance.”
“I know Spock, it’s fine really.” Rainy said.
Without another word the Vulcan left her on her own once more.

Hours flew by and Rainy was the last person at the lab, alone and still utterly confused.

The teen didn't even realize that everyone had left, she was so focused on trying to solve the problem she only noticed when she heard a familiar gruff voice.
“Jesus kid, you know breaks are allowed?”
Rainy looked at the doctor standing in the doorway like a deer in the headlights.
“Breaks are for wimps.” She deadpaned.
McCoy walked over to her and placed his hand on her back.
“C’mon, work day is done kid. I don't need you dying of exhaustion on me.”
“But I'm not done! I haven't gotten anything done. I can't fail.”

Bones’ expression softened briefly.
“Alright, but don't let me find you here at some ungodly hours ya hear me?
“Yes sir!” She said playfully.

As soon as bones left the room her shoulders slumped and she nervously tapped her boots on the floor.
What time was it?
She really was useless.
Hours of doing nothing because she couldn't be bothered to ask for help.
Maybe it would be better if she just–

“Cadet.” Spock's monotone voice interrupted her thoughts.
“Mr Spock, sir”
“I see youre struggling with your task, doctor McCoy seemed worried about you.”
“When is he not?”
Spock gave her a slight nod, agreeing with her comment.
“However, it is logical for him to be.”
Well yes, when you're as big of a mess as Rainy is people get worried.
“I myself found it odd you were absent from today's chess match.”
SHIT. She completely forgot.

“Oh. I'm sorry sir, it slipped my mind.”
Honestly chess was the last thing on Rainy’s mind. Spock remained neutral however.
“I believe you should rest cadet, tomorrow I'll guide you through the most efficient ways of isolating anomalies.” The vulcan said.
That was not enough, Rainy didn't want to make him wait until tomorrow, she knew she should be able to have done it by now, yet she didn’t.
“Why not now?” She asked.
“It is illogical to try and teach you when you're so clearly… exhausted.”
Rainy bit her lower lip, she wasn't tired yet, it would be no problem really.
“I can handle it!.”
Spock ignored the statement.
“Go get dinner cadet, you haven't eaten in 26 hours.”
Damn
That long? Wait, was Spock monitoring her eating habits? Thats… reassuring…
“Oh… okay I guess I should.”
Rainy stood up and followed Spock to the door.
“Thanks.”
Spock nodded in acknowledgement.

—

“Finally out of that damn lab?”
Rainy sluggishly picked at her replicator food. Not really hungry despite not having eaten since yesterday.(and even then it wasn't that much, just a granola bar she snacked on.)

“Only ‘cause Mr Logic made me.” She muttered. If it had been up to her she'd still be trying to figure out the damn anomaly.
“Oh finally, something i can agree with him on.”
Rainy scowled at him.
“I ain't some baby you need to put a curfew on.”
Bones snickered.
“No, you're worse than a baby, you're like a wet puppy that can't walk.”
“HEY!”
Bones chuckled at the kid’s outrage.
“Well little lady, am I wrong?”
Rainy rolled her eyes and took a small nibble of her replicator enchiladas. They were good but the smell and taste made her nauseous.
“Whatever Bones.”
She stood up to leave, giving up on eating, but the doctor stopped her.
“Now hold on one damn minute, ain't you gonna eat?”
“I can’t.” She muttered.
“Oh no kid, you will eat.”
Rainy did her best puppy eyes.
“Im sick.” She said.
“Im a doctor, don't give me lame excuses, you need to eat.”
Rainy forced a soft smile and picked up her plate.
“I’ll eat in my room, good night Bones.”
Bones squinted his eyes but found no way to argue, so he let her go.
“Night kiddo.”

—

As soon as she got to her room she threw the enchiladas on the garbage.
She felt bad wasting food but she didn't want to eat it.

Rainy grabbed some pages from her sketchbook and threw them in the bin to hide the smell of food.
She practically sunk into her bed, she was so overwhelmingly tired, yet her thoughts were similar to the ones she had last night. She wasn't good, she wasn't even okay, she was bad at this.

And maybe it would hurt less if she wasn't so enthusiastic about her internship. But god. Why wasn't she enough? Would she ever be enough?

Almost robotically she walked out of her room and wandered through the empty halls once more.
It was soothing, she found her way to the engine room and let the static noise lull her to sleep.

Chapter Text

Rainy woke up in the dark, confused.

Why was she in the engine room?

Then she remembered last night.

Right.

Someone had wrapped a blanket around her.

What time was it?

Usually, the lights in the enterprise were turned off by midnight.

It must have been the early morning.

Rainy sat up and walked to the door.

That is until she saw someone she did not expect—

“Captain?”

Jim turned to look at her, with a tired smile.

“Rainy, finally awake?” 

Rainy shrugged, hugging herself with her blanket.

“Barely, did you give this to me?”

She said, pointing to it.

Jim laughed warmly.

“You seemed cold.”

Rainy nodded. That was thoughtful of him, Jim’s sweetness always made her forget he was her captain.

Adults usually aren't thoughtful and sweet, in her experience.

“Thanks.” She mumbled.

“Of course. Say, Rainy, any reason I found you here?”

The teen simply shrugged.

“I could ask the same, isn't it kinda late?”

“I come here when I can't sleep, the engine room is calming, it's like the heart of the enterprise.”

The way he talked about the ship was as if he was talking of a real person, so full of love and emotion in that special Jim way of caring about everyone.

“Aw that’s nice, I guess I also find it calming, as you might have noticed.”

Jim smiled.

“I have.” He confirmed.

They stood together in silence, not awkward. The kind of peaceful silence that makes you not want to make a single sound and ruin the perfect harmony of white noise.

This was nice.

Finally Jim turned to Rainy.

“Do you want to go get breakfast?”

Rainy didn't feel particularly hungry, she didnt think her body could even handle a full meal without feeling sick, but then again she was terrible at eating.

She couldn't really say no to the captain could she?

“Isn’t that not allowed?”

“Kid you're with the captain, I can get you your alien snacks that you keep on your desk.”

Her face flushed.

Wait—how long had he known?

She thought she was being subtle.

Whatever. He didn’t sound mad.

“You knew I sneaked snacks in my room?”

Jim shrugged.

“I never said that.”

Of course he knew.

All this time? She thought she was sneaky! 

“Let's go get breakfast…” Rainy muttered.

—

Bones woke up, exhausted.

Just as every damn morning in that godforsaken ship.

He would never admit it but the past few days without his kid were incredibly slow.

The kid passed by every morning to greet him and chit chat for a few minutes before going to the lab.

God the sickbay was annoyingly peaceful, it was terrible.

He walked to the officer’s mess, Jim was there as usual— with Rainy?

What the hell was she doing there?

Her and Jim were chatting while Rainy nibbled on her favorite granola bar.

Those things tasted like cardboard, god knows why she liked them so much.

“Morning, bones.” Jim greeted, which made Rainy’s eyes light up as she saw him.

Bones groaned.

“HI BONES!”

“Arent you energetic today…” He grumbled.

“Im always energetic and you know it!”

“Give me a break, I implore you.”

Bones sat down beside Rainy and stole a piece of her snack.

“Hey!”

Bones ate it and grimaced.

“Yep, still tastes like shit, kid, why do you eat these?”

“Theyre GOOD and NUTRITIOUS.”

Bones rolled his eyes.

“God, well at least you're eating something.”

He looked at Jim.

“Please don't tell me thats all she has had?”

“She also had a protein shake and coffee.”

So basically nothing substantial. That kid can't survive off protein shakes.

“What about you?”

Jim stayed silent

“Well–“

“BOTH OF YOU WILL DRIVE ME INSANE!” He whined. “Why does NO ONE on THIS DAMN SHIP KNOW HOW TO EAT?”

Rainy shrugged. “Mr. Doctor, have you considered we know how to and choose not to?”

“That’s WORSE! Why do you do this to me? I'm gonna get coffee, I can't with you idiots.”

Bones went to get himself his coffee and Rainy lazily looked at Jim.

“How long have we been here?”

“Well considering Bones is here, it should be 0600, when you woke up it was 0400.”

“Jesus, officers have to wake up at six in the morning?”

“Yeah, work day starts earlier for us.”

“Never. Ever give me a promotion.”

Rainy slid out of her seat and yawned.

“I think I'm gonna get myself an hour of extra sleep before my day starts.”

—

She didn't actually manage to sleep. Great start to the day.

Shouldn't have had that coffee.

Rainy went to the mess hall early and got another coffee.

I mean if you're not gonna sleep properly you might as well be overcaffeinated.

She greeted bones and went directly to the lab, where she sat down next to Spock not saying a word. The vulcan seemed surprised.(as surprised as a vulcan can seem.) "You're considerably early, cadet.” He said.

“What can I say, I'm excited to kick some anomaly ass.”

“Of course.” 

The rest of the morning flowed rather calmly, she slowly understood each of the steps to find anomalies, and in a few hours, she felt considerably less dumb.

Between this and chess Spock was a great teacher.

And just like that Spock and Rainy worked silently together, then Rainy worked alone when Spock had to go to the bridge.

The hours flew by and she found herself enjoying the work, her focus was unmatched.

Honestly it was kind of refreshing being in the lab and not second guessing everything she did.

It was nice.

She didn't even notice a smile had started forming on her face.

Rainy only stopped once her name was called.

“Hey Rainy.” She glanced up to the doorway.

Jim stood in the hall clearly excited.

“Yes captain?”

Jim smiled and walked over to her.

He placed a hand on her back.

“Are you liking lab work cadet?”

“Quite so sir.” She confirmed.

“How’d you like to beam down with Doctor McCoy and me and do a field study?”

Rainy immediately stood up enthusiastically. “YES.”

Jim smiled warmly.

“Alright then, go ask Spock for a tricorder.”

Rainy couldn't contain her excitement. Her eyes sparkled with anticipation.

“Aye sir.”

And so the kid ran off to find him.

—

“I’m so excited!”

“Yeah I know , you haven't shut up about it in the past 10 minutes.”

Bones said, rubbing his temples exasperated.

“I haven't beamed down since… So long!”

She was practically vibrating with excitement.

Jim looked at her.

“Ready to beam down?”

“Aye sir!”

Rainy's whole body started feeling like bubbles popping inside her, it wasn't unpleasant but it was an odd experience.

As she finally materialized in the planet she took in the view, mostly barren rocky terrain with little to no plant life in the orange landscape.

Rainy coughed. “Ugh. Smells like gym socks and ozone.”

“Don’t sniff the planet, kid,” Bones shot back. “Try not to lick anything either.”

“WHY would I—” she paused, squinting. “Okay, yeah that’s fair.”

Jim was already ten steps ahead observing the planet, he motioned them to come closer.

“Alright Miss Lesink, This field assignment should be relatively low stakes, the only thing we are doing is scanning minerals and also some of the plant life, do you know how to use your tricorder?”

Rainy nodded enthusiastically.

“Yes sir! Although I'm curious, why do we need a doctor for this?” She asked, glancing at bones.

“To make sure you don’t die for some stupid reason you little shit.”

“Aww, but I'm your little shit.” Rainy said with her sweetest possible voice.

“Unfortunately.”

“Regrettably?”

“Regrettably.”

“Annoyingly?”

“Annoyingly.”

“Little shit-ly?”

“Yes, and that's not a word.”

“Yes doctor, I know how to count.” 

Bones sighed, exasperated.

“ You, little lady, will be the death of me.”

“Ladies, ladies, calm down. This is a learning experience, remember?”

“Right.” Rainy nodded, still with a mischievous smile. “Sorry.”

“Bones will analyze the plant life and you will collect samples of minerals and take notes on their properties.”

“Yes sir!”

—

Rainy walked through the uneven terrain muttering curses every time she slipped or lost balance.

She had collected many different samples and made a log, this material she had just scanned seemed to be radioactive.

“Hey Bones! If a mineral is radioactive can I—“

“Absolutely not, don't even think about it.”

“Aw man.”

Rainy was particularly interested in this stone with unusual readings, Which she fidgeted with as she 

she analyzed the data she had collected, muttering to herself.

“This pyrite has a complex chemical structure different from ours, which means when exposed to heat it might be more susceptible to ex–“ Exploding. The stone exploded. In her hand.

“WHAT THE HELL?” She heard Doctor McCoy scream in the distance.

Then her communicator went off, she tried to answer as quickly as possible with her single barely usable, not exploded hand.

“Kid, what the hell did you do? I heard an explosion.”

Rainy looked at her hand which was both in red hot pain and going numb, but didn't know what to say.

“Just get here quick, please.”

Instantly the doctor ran towards her and found her sitting on the ground teary eyed but not quite crying.

She was trying not to cry because of the pain and also because of how embarrassing the whole situation was.

It was completely her fault, how the hell did she want to be on starfleet and help others if she couldn't even help herself? Science wasn't even her area, she thought she had this but then she messed it up the way she always did.

“Are you okay kid?”

“What do you think ?” She cried.

Bones had his brows furrowed with concern as he looked over her.

“I’ll tell Jim we need to beam you up and get you on sickbay,” Bones said while inspecting her hand. “Damn kid twice in a week, are you trying to win a prize for the most near death experiences in a week?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, it's not your fault is it?”

She didn’t have the heart to correct him.

Guilt turned her stomach. It was her fault, he thought too highly of her. She was a disappointment.

—

Chapter Text

“OW, OW, OUCH.” Rainy whined as bones disinfected her hand and delicately pressed a wipe on the places her skin had broken, more than that it was mostly burns, bones didn't have to explain it to her she was a medical intern afterall.

Her hand was mostly numb as it had gotten third degree burns, but what really hurt were the areas around the third degree burn, those didn't go through her nerves which made them extremely painful.

“Jeez kid, you’re lucky you didn’t get any pieces of space rock on your face.”

“IT HURTS SO BAD!” She whined.

“Zip it or I’m sedating you for my own peace of mind.”

“Oh PLEASE! I've been unmedicated for like a week. I'm getting withdrawls.”

“I hate that you're being genuine, you little prescription drug addict, besides it's been four days.”

Rainy winced as the doctor started wrapping her hand with a gauze.

“Well you prescribed them, so really, who’s fault is it?”

Bones tightened the bandage a little aggressively making Rainy hiss in pain.

“You need those meds, the fact you can't take them responsibly is different.”

“Well maybe if you trusted m–“

“HAH, kid you want me to trust you when you can’t even trust yourself?” Rainy stayed silent, she looked at bones with her big glassy eyes, the damn was going to break, she couldn’t keep it in.

The damn burns hurt less than that single sentence.

“Wow, low blow man, I think I’m pretty reliable.” She said with a forced smile.

Bones didn’t laugh, he kept working on her hand and looked at her once he finished.

“All done, and you know, I can't trust you with a full prescription bottle yet, but I can give you a pill every morning, that way I know how you’re taking ‘em and you can have your drugs.”

That system made her feel like a baby, like some idiot who can’t be trusted with scissors or she’ll cut her hair, but instead of that some idiot who will down a bottle of pills on a depressive episode.

Rainy nodded enthusiastically.

“Sounds good to me!”

“Welp kid look at the bright side your sentence is almost over, three more days and you’re back on medbay.”

That was true… wow, it had gone by so fast.

Actually- CRAP she had a chess game with Spock scheduled at their usual time!

“Bones, what time is it?” She asked.

“A quarter ‘til 1800.”

“Jesus just say 1745, like a normal person…”

“Ah yes you’re the portrait of normal.”

“Yes I am! I'm the normalest normie you’ll ever meet!”

“Normal people don’t say ‘normalest normie’.”

“HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? LOOK AT YOUR FRIENDS!”

“Touche.”

“I win.” She said triumphantly.

“Gotta go, now I have things to be and places to do, chess to lose.”

Bones nodded and let Rainy go.

“Don’t do something stupid with your bandaged hand.”

“Aww you know I can’t promise that.” Rainy said with a smile as she left.

Bones sighed. What was he gonna do with the kid? She needed trust but she can’t be trusted. She needed stability but was on a damn flying hunk of metal in the middle of space with a bunch of adults instead of kids like her.

Was it really the best for her to stay on the ship?

—

Chess. She was getting good at it.

Maybe she didn’t like it that much but it was a great excuse to avoid an akwardly emotional moment with Bones. She didn’t regret what she said per se, but she knew she had been too honest.

To open.

She figured chess was a great excuse to get out and a great thing to distract her mind.

She walked into the room trying her best to look energetic and happy.

“Hey Spock!”

“You’re early.”

Rainy shrugged.

“Better early than never.”

“I believe the phrase is ‘better late than never’.”

“Yeah but it still works that way.”

Spock made no further comments, and so Rainy took a seat and made the first move.

The game continued silently.

Rainy couldn’t help think about earlier with bones, it wasn’t a fight but their conversation was definetly tense.

Her worst worry at the moment was if Bones would bring it up later, she knew it was a possibility she wanted to avoid.

If there’s anything to know about Rainy it’s she can’t keep her problems to herself, ask her about it and she’ll spill them out like a popped water balloon, loud, messy and all over the place.

And well, she’d rather avoid that.

“You seem… distant, Rainy.”

“Huh, no I’m– it’s fine I’m just focused.”

Spocks look didn’t seem to indicate he believed her at all, but he didn’t argue.

“Very well.”

The rest of the time they played Rainy did her best to be social and pleasant. The problem with Spock is the he always seemed to see through her smiles.

Why can she just seem okay?

She couldn’t give to shits about actually being okay.

She just wanted everyone do stop worrying.

Rainy’s quarters were supposed to be her rest place, but it was more like her breakdown place, everything about it felt slightly off in a way that made her deeply uncomfortable with her own room.

As she got to her quarters and slumped into the bed, defeated, she heard a knock.

She didn’t have the energy to put up her happy face to talk with someone.

But she couldn’t ignore it.

Rainy sighed and got up to open the door.

“You look like hell.”

“Gee, thanks Bones.”

“We need to talk kid.”

Oh god, she did mess up by breaking and now he’s worried.

“Uh, I’m kinda tired right now.”

“I ain’t buying that, I need to talk with you right now .”

Rainy sighed.

“Come in i guess, not that you’re giving me much choice.”

Bones came in and sat at the edge of her bed, she sat next to him, although at a healthy distance.

“Are you sure the enterprise is the best place for you?”

She blinked.

Oh. Oh. No. No. No.

This was it. She’s gonna lose. Everything.

She’s gonna lose her only family.

She’s gonna be alone again.

Alone. Alone. Alone.

“Kid?”

“—YES this is the best place for me to be.”

Bones looked at her, as if trying to dig into her mind through her eyes.

“You say that but, you’re clearly not okay.”

“I am okay. I’m fine.”

“Don’t lie to me when we both know the truth.”

Rainy clenched her fists.

“I’m not lying.”

Bones sighed.

“Kid, this is why I said I can’t trust you.“

Rainy stayed silent, keeping her head down.

Her breath hitched and sped up, chest tightening like a vice was closing in. 

“Kid– calm down, I didn’t mean t—“

“DONT TELL ME TO— GH. QUIT TALKING TO ME LIKE I'M MADE OF GLASS!” She snapped.

“You aren’t.” The doctor simply stated.

“We’ll then WHY do you treat me like I’ll break down crying at the slightest provocation?” Her voice broke. “Like some. Useless child…”

“You are a child.”

“I KNOW” she dug the nails of her healthy hand into her palm.

“You still treat me like I’m made of glass though.”

“Because you have given me not reason to trust you, look Rainy I’m trying, I really want to be able to trust you—”

“THEN DO IT.” She cried.

“You know I can’t.”

Rainy crossed her arms and leaned against the wall.

“Ok, then don’t. Why do you care anyways?” She spat. “All of you, WHY DO YOU CARE?” When she said the last word her voice cracked.

She could feel herself start crying.

“BECAUSE YOURE A GOOD KID! Can’t you get it through your thick little skull that YOU deserve BASIC EMPATHY.”

Oh right, because bones knew her better than she knew herself.

“YOU DON'T KNOW THAT, it’s none of your DAMN business.” She exclaimed.

“I’m not some science project you and Jim can fix.”

Silence.

“Rainy–“

“Save it. I don’t want your pity right now.”

Not giving him a chance to respond she stormed out of her room.

She paced through the halls, where to go? She walked to engineering and just.

Listened.

Listened to the sounds of the ship.

Observed every little machine and light in the room.

Took in all the details.

She still felt like shit afterwards.

Rainy was frankly embarrassed to exist.

How will I ever get better if I keep ruining my chances?

She rested her head against the cold metal walls.

Im destined to be alone.