Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Present Day

“Nick, shut the fuck up.” 

“You’re so fucking bossy. Make me, then.” 

“God, you’re so annoying, just c’mere.” 

Charlie felt his back push up against the wall so hard he could feel his skin scrape on the brick wall through his thin t-shirt. It made a chill run through his body before he was instantly warmed up from the whiskey lips on his. It was addicting and as he dug his fingernails into Nick’s strong biceps he whimpered. 

He whimpered because he was a fool. 

A horny, pathetic, down bad fool. 

The room was spinning and soon he was spinning and falling. Falling into the queen bed that he used to sleep in every night. Limbs moved quickly and sloppily, throwing clothes off and letting them fall to the floor. Each time they did this dance it felt quicker and more desperate, like they couldn’t get their hands on each other fast enough. They had a routine down by now. 

Pretend that they’re both not secretly hoping the other shows up at the same party or club or bar, and then pretend to be shocked when they see each other. One of them always stares for a beat too long, allowing eyes to say words their mouths can’t. Then both of them end up behind the same closed door and they make the same excuses on why they should not be doing this, but inevitably do it anyway. They always went back to Nick’s flat, and Charlie was always the first one completely undressed.

Charlie’s chest was bare now and as Nick’s body laid above his, he saw flushed cheeks paired with dark brown eyes he was plunging into, just like the mattress that was swallowing him. His lashes fluttered closed as he felt the cool metal chain above him hit the bottom of his chin. As Nick thrusted into him and moved their bodies in rhythm, the chain kept swaying above Charlie. 

Charlie felt a buzzing brewing inside him and when he opened his eyes he could feel his own pupils grow in size. They didn’t normally make eye contact when they had sex anymore, but something about tonight was different.

Perhaps it was the way the red light reflected on Nick’s freckled face at the party. Or the three tequila shots Charlie downed when he first walked through the door. Elle told him to slow down but he didn’t care, he wanted to get fucked up because when his brain was fuzzy he could at least pretend that he wasn’t thinking about thim. 

But dammit, he kept showing up. In his mind and in this bed above him. Like a fucking golden retriever, ever loyal. 

Charlie thinks about their relationship a lot whenever they fuck. He thinks about how good it was. How in love with Nick he was. He thinks about how many times they’d had sex and how many different positions they’d tried over the years. 

Years.  

That’s how long his mind and heart has been attached to this gorgeous, kind, funny, incredibly caring piece of shit. 

Charlie could hear the ticking of the watch that Nick wore, wrapped around the wrist that was next to his right ear. It was faint, over the sound of the squeaking bed, their groans and heavy breathing, but it was there. Ticking over and over again, reminding him that time was passing and he was still doing this. He was still messing around with the same guy he told himself we would cut off months ago, but here he was, spreading his legs just as easily as he used to. It was like his body was working against his mind at every opportunity. Every erotic thought, erection, moan, bitten lip. All of it always had to do with Nick, or the thought of Nick. He was fucking obsessed and it was ruining his life. 

Charlie internally rolled his eyes at the thought of who he was doing, but the chain that kept swiping across his lips forced a fire to light up in his abdomen. It wasn’t a fire made from pleasure. It was a fire built from anger. 

At Nick. 

At himself. 

At everything and everyone. 

Charlie tilted his chin up and stuck his tongue out, rolling the chain in his mouth. The movement made Nick stutter his hips and he looked down, causing more slack in the chain. Charlie bit the chain and pulled, bringing Nick down closer against his will. 

Just like a dog with a leash. 

Nick’s eyes locked on his and the shock on his face was enough to fuel Charlie’s inner demons–just for now. 

Nick saw the spark in his blue eyes and it enraged something in him. He could feel his eye twitch and without thinking he brought his hand up to the black curls he used to kiss and he pulled, tighter than he had ever done before. He knew Charlie liked his hair pulled, but this was more than that. Sometimes Nick doesn’t know his own strength, and even though he liked throwing Charlie around in bed, this was a lot. Charlie’s jaw fell open instinctively and he let out a loud sound that was somewhere between pleasure and pain. 

“Stop being a little shit, Spring.” Nick could hear his words sear out of his mouth and he almost felt bad. Almost.  

Charlie could feel his cheeks glow the shade of fury and he used the strength in his skinny frame to push Nick off and roll them both over so he was on top. He lined himself back up over Nick’s cock and when he pushed down he made sure to dig his nails into his bare chest harder than normal, leaving crescent indents in his flesh. Nick grunted and dug his own nails into the bedsheets under him. 

“Well then…stop…fucking…pissing…me…off, Nelson .” Charlie spat back in between thrusts. He was in control now and he knew how much Nick hated it. 

Nick let out a long sigh of exasperation. He was sick of this shit, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t leave him alone. He couldn’t stop showing up to the same places and making eyes from across the room. He couldn’t stop offering drinks and making the first move in dark corners where no one was watching. He couldn’t stop dragging him back to his place– their place and defiling him in any way he wanted. He couldn’t stop the want and it made him hate himself. 

Nick felt like a piece of shit. He was a piece of shit, really. He was a liar and to make it worse he was bad at it. He ruined everything, and this was his punishment. He was forced to be attracted to this man like a magnet, like his body was working against him. He couldn’t help it. Charlie was just so…. Charlie.  

He was funny, smart and charming. He was hot as hell, and he surely was too good for him. Even though he was watching as this tanned skin, blue eyed man bounced on his cock above him, he kept feeling like something was getting ripped out of him. A little piece of him ripped every time they did this. But in a weird fucked up way, a little piece of him also got stitched up every time they did this. Every time he got to hold him, even if it was rushed and only after they spewed hate toward each other, it was at least something. That little bit of something had been keeping him going for months and he was so desperate that even if this was all he ever got ever again, it would be enough. It would have to be. 

Nick felt his hips buck up as he felt their rhythm start to get sloppy and messy. They were both close and his heels were digging into the sheets and slipping. He needed more friction and he just needed more . 

“Charlie, touch yourself.” He breathed through grunts, almost inaudible. He watched as his favorite set of eyes rolled in annoyance. “Fucking stop and just do what you’re told.” Nick’s voice was demanding and sharp, nothing like how he used to talk to Charlie. 

He watched Charlie scoff as he wrapped a pretty hand around his dick and stroked himself. He knew him so well he could read it all over his face as he pretended to be annoyed but was overwhelmed with sensation. 

“You like that, huh?”

“Shut the fuck up, Nick.” Charlie hated how well he knew him. 

Between the pressure in his own cock and the visual he had, he was going to bust at any minute. Nick would never admit it out loud, but he craved something else these days when they fucked. Something that they haven’t done in a long time, not since before things went sour. 

Charlie felt his own orgasm creeping over the edge and as he worked himself he wanted more. He needed just a little more to get him there, but he didn’t want to say it out loud. He bit his own lip hard and he concentrated but it wasn’t happening, he needed that extra bit. 

“Fuck.” he muttered to himself begrudgingly. Charlie opened his eyes and looked straight ahead into Nick’s and that’s all it took. 

As they shared an orgasm Nick Nelson felt like a fucking fool. 

A horny, pathetic, down bad fool because he couldn’t stop fucking his ex boyfriend. 

***

Charlie looked up at the ceiling and he felt the small circles that Nick was tracing on his bare shoulder. It was quiet, just listening to each other breathing. Two hearts laid on a mattress, caressed by flesh and veins that yearned to belong to each other again. But lies, ego, and fear stood in the way. Too much damage was done and now this was what they were left with. 

Nick looked at the time on his watch. It was after midnight and he knew Charlie wasn’t spending the night–he never did. 

“You should go.” 

Charlie looked over and he silently cursed his body for having a second craving. He was greedy, he knew that, but he shook the idea out of his mind and told himself once was enough. At least until his body started to sense him around again and he inevitably ended up in this bed again. 

Charlie sat up and threw the sheet back, standing up and feeling the cool air run over his skin. He quickly tugged his jeans and his jumper back on. Well, Nick’s jumper on. He bit his cheek before turning around to see Nick sitting up in bed, still bare chested, looking at him like he always does. 

“Stop looking at me like that.” 

“Like what?” Nick had to hold back a smile because he knew Charlie hated it when he looked at him like that, especially now. Nick got up and threw a t-shirt on, forcing Charlie to watch as his sculpted back muscles flexed and worked with every movement. The craving was back and Charlie had to turn his head quickly to maintain some composure. Nick was dressed again and walked over, standing next to him now, staring at him waiting for an answer. Charlie hesitated before he let the words leave his mouth.

“Like you’re still in love with me.” 

Nick felt his cheeks flush and he thought long and hard before responding. He rubbed his eyes and bit his lip before responding. 

“What if I still was?” 

“Nick–” 

Charlie had to swallow back the words. He didn’t want to fight, not right now. 

“Charlie, don’t worry about it, okay? I know.” 

“But I…you know I…” Charlie couldn’t look at him, not when he looked like that. Not when his voice was tender and warm and all he wanted to do was crawl back in bed with him. He let his thoughts die and all he could do was put his sneakers on and walk toward the door. With his back still turned toward him he heard a small voice. 

“Yeah, I know.” 

Nick’s voice was deflated as he watched Charlie open the door and turn around to look at him again. “Text me when you get home, okay?” 

“You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore.” Charlie managed a weak side smile. A sign that he wasn’t really mad. At least not right now. Charlie leaned in and kissed Nick’s cheek, a small almost invisible cheek. It almost didn’t mean anything. 

Almost. 

Nick watched him walk away into the night and he felt that rip in him again. Thankfully, it wouldn’t take long for Charlie to come back and stitch it up.

Chapter Text

Four Months Earlier 

“Nick, are you okay?” 

He felt the room freeze and everything stopped. The bass of the stereo faded out and his eyes went blurry. He squeezed his eyes shut and felt a rush of panic swim over his body. 

He was drunk. He was just seeing things. 

Nick blinked open his eyes, forcing the room back into focus. But his eyes weren’t deceiving him, and he wasn’t drunk. He only had one drink, and he’d been nursing it for the last half hour. 

Nick looked over his shoulder and saw that Sai was behind him, staring him down with a worried expression on his face before following Nick’s gaze toward the front door. 

“ Nick , you good?” 

“Um..” Nick’s voice wasn’t working. Sai squeezed his shoulder in an attempt to bring him back to Earth.

 “Mate, let’s go, c’mon we can leave.” Sai waved his hand and was trying to get him to turn around into the backyard. 

“No, no I-I’m fine, I just–lemme talk to him.” Nick waved Sai’s hand away and sat his own drink down on the counter. His vision was zeroed in and he was wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans as he walked through the crowd of buzzed bodies in the kitchen. 

He got closer and he could see all of him now, standing by the stairs talking to Elle. He looked different, but the same. His hair was different, the curls longer now. And he noticed the small silver ring on his pinky. Nick felt fear creep up his spine and he thought about taking up Sai’s offer to leave, but this was his only chance to try to make it right. His feet were moving for him and he was trying to get his brain to catch up before he made a fool of himself. He finally approached and when the two bodies turned their heads to look at him, he felt his cheeks grow hot. 

“Hi, Charlie.” 

***

“I didn’t expect to see you here.” Charlie was sipping on a seltzer and looking out at the backyard that was lined with lights and littered with twenty something year olds laughing and enjoying the cool breeze. He sat on the tattered patio chair looking ahead, afraid to move. Afraid that if he looked over and saw who he was talking to it would all be real. 

Nick was fidgeting his fingers. “Really? I mean it’s just, um…this is the rugby team’s party. I didn’t expect you to come back to one of these. I mean I’m not trying to be rude I-I just…I don’t know. Of all the parties on campus tonight I didn’t think you’d be at this one.” Nick felt his body light up with nervous energy and he didn’t know what to do with it. He felt his knee bounce with anticipation at the answer. 

Charlie sat there and soaked in the question. What was he doing here? It certainly wasn’t to run into his ex, and it certainly wasn’t to have this awkward ass conversation when he wasn’t even drunk enough to pretend to be okay. Christ, he had only just walked through the door when Nick approached him. Shit timing indeed. 

“Well…I wasn’t going to come, at least I didn’t think so,” Charlie took another sip and let the carbonation sizzle down his throat, desperately needing the alcohol to hit his system. “Elle has a friend that’s talking to someone on the team and invited her. She convinced me to come with, so…yeah. Here I am,” Charlie shrugged and the recently developed apathy that filled his body was starting to seep out. “look we don’t have to do…whatever this is, okay. We can just, I don’t know, pretend it never happened.” He was shrugging as he spoke the words, hoping they seemed casual enough to not be a big deal. 

Nick felt like his heart was being ripped in half. How could he ever pretend like what they had never happened? It was all he thought about. 

The words that hung in the air weren’t angry, not filled with rage, but they were filled with something heavier, something worse. They sounded tired. Words that have been deflated, thoughts that had been thought over and over again and that were losing their meaning. Nick blew out a breath and stared at the sharp side profile next to him.

“Charlie, I’m sorry, okay? I never meant for any of this to end up this way and I–I’m just trying to–” 

“To what? Clear your conscious so you can sleep at night? I’m over it, it’s done. Just let it go.” 

Nick clenched his jaw and he watched as Charlie took another sip of his drink, like this was just some casual conversation and he wasn’t breaking his heart all over again. Pain and regret turned into irritation and he suddenly wasn’t trying to mask his tone anymore. 

“You’re not the only one who’s angry, ya know. It still affected me. It still broke me. It’s not always about you.” The words came out sharper than he intended, but they needed to be said. 

“God, here we go. You wanna do this now?” Charlie was fully turned in his chair, looking straight at Nick now. He could feel the adrenaline light up like electricity in his veins. He looked into big brown eyes and he felt the familiar flutter in his chest that never really left him. 

“Charlie I don’t want to fight, I’m just saying it sucked for the both of us, not just you. You seem to forget that you ended us. ” 

The two of them sat in silence while the words hung over them. Gazes astray, Charlie fiddled with the shoe string on his converse while he finished his drink. Charlie spent so many nights laying awake at night dreaming of this moment, of what he would say if he ever saw Nick again. Like most fantasies, this was going nothing how he thought it would in his head. 

“You lied to me.” Charlie heard himself say, his voice not sounding like his own. He had to bite back the quiver that dared to escape his lips. 

“You fucking lied to me Nick. You promised me and I…I believed you. Out of everyone, I trusted you the most. And now…now I can’t even trust myself.” Charlie could hear the animosity coming back into his voice and when he looked up he saw Nick’s glossy eyes reflecting the lights that were strung up above them. The flutter in his chest was painful this time. 

“That’s not fair, you never–” Nick couldn’t get the words out fast enough before Charlie was standing up and walking away, obviously done talking. Nick bolted up from his chair, following Charlie into the house and through the crowded kitchen. The music was loud and the walls felt like they were going to cave in at any second. Nick couldn’t think straight and he was straining his vision as he tried to keep his eyes on Charlie’s back. 

“Charlie!” 

Nick was trying, but the music was too loud. Charlie was moving too fast and in the corner of Nick’s eye he saw him turn to the left towards the stairs. Nick was weaving through the crowd and he could feel his large build taking up so much space in this congested house. He felt like a monster, destroying everything in his path. His eyes scanned the sea of people, trying to see if he could find Elle, but there were too many people, he couldn’t make anyone out. 

Nick finally made it to the staircase and he ran up the stairs as fast as he could, squeezing around between people waiting in line for the restroom, and couples making out. Nick felt like he was on a chase. He should have just let Charlie go, but he needed to talk to him. He needed to make this right. He couldn’t watch him walk away again. 

“Charlie!” He tried again, watching as dark blue eyes looked over his shoulder and then disappearing behind a closed door. Nick finally caught up and with a heaving chest he swung the door open to find Charlie standing in the middle of a large room that he didn’t recognize. A large desk and bookshelves lined the walls and Nick realized he was in a home office. Ironic, of course Charlie would find the one room in the house with all the books. 

“Charlie, please can we just talk?” 

“Why would I want to talk to you? You fucking broke my heart, Nick. I don’t want anything to do with you anymore just–” 

“You don’t mean that.” Nick said curtly. He wasn’t sure when the door closed behind him, but he noticed the two of them were standing here alone for the first time in eight months. He ran his fingers through his hair and he could feel the beads of sweat forming on his forehead. The desperation was bubbling in his chest and he felt impatient, like a little kid who didn't get the toy they wanted. His feet moved toward Charlie slowly and steady, not wanting him to run away again. 

“Charlie, just give me a second here,” Nick was whispering, his voice hoarse. Charlie crossed his arms over his chest and he let out a dramatic sigh. 

“Listen, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I know I fucked up. And I know I hurt you, and I wish I could take it back. I wish I could take it all back because…fuck, Charlie y-you’re…you’re everything to me, don’t you know that? God you’re the love of my life and no time apart is ever going to change that.” 

Nick didn’t realize he was panting and as he got the last few words out he watched as Charlie’s expression changed before him. Dark brows softened, just slightly and his arms came down to his sides. Nick watched as his fingers twitched slightly, making the silver pinky ring shine under the low light. 

With a sigh and a shake of his head Charlie tried to tread past him but Nick was quick to catch his arm to stop him in his tracks. The first touch and Nick could hear a small gasp escape from the lips he longed to touch. Like the world was moving in slow motion they both looked down at where Nick’s hand was wrapped around Charlie’s bicep. Nick could hear his own breath get heavy and he expected Charlie to soften but instead he was met with a harsh shrug to shake off his grip and a dirty look that he didn’t know Charlie Spring was capable of making. 

“No, please don’t go.” Nick pleaded as he watched Charlie’s long legs stride toward the door. In a swift motion Charlie was spinning around as if he had one last thing to get off his chest. 

“What am I supposed to do, Nick? Admit that I still love you after everything that–”

“God dammit, just fucking listen to me!” Nick’s voice boomed in frustration, cutting him off. Nick didn’t know when his feet launched him forward, but now he was so close to Charlie that he could clearly see the stubble on his chin. 

Charlie backed up into the door now and Nick was so close he could smell his cologne, vanilla and sandalwood. The scent brought back so many memories of them and Charlie had to swallow them back into the recesses of his mind. They hadn’t been this close since they broke up and it felt familiar but new at the same time. 

The air in the room grew thick and Charlie swallowed while looking straight ahead. His eyes moved down to his lips, just a flicker of a motion. Enough for Nick to notice and for the tension in his shoulder and neck to release. 

Charlie’s body was fully pressed against the closed door now and his knees felt weak as he looked up at the face he used to see everyday. His freckles were the same, but there were small creases under his eyes now. Charlie wondered if Nick also has a hard time sleeping these days. 

It was weird, seeing Nick like this. He looked the same, but different. Charlie felt his breath stutter in his chest when Nick raised his arm and placed his hand on the door next to his head, caging him in. He could feel his eyes grow big watching the muscular shoulder and bicep flex under the tight black t-shirt he was wearing. 

Nick may be an ass, but he was still fine as fuck. It was unfair really, how beautiful he was. Truth is, all this time Charlie hasn’t found anyone that could compare to Nick, not even in the slightest, and it made him hate Nick even more for it. Why did he have to be so fucking perfect? 

Nick’s gaze was drinking Charlie in and it was intoxicating. He actually felt tipsy now, but it wasn’t the alcohol doing it, it was just Charlie. It was the pathetic effect he had on him. Since they first met Nick has been a simp for Charlie Spring and it’s clear that eight months into this break up nothing had changed. He swallowed before letting his voice drop in their shared space. 

“Don’t run away from me, Charlie. Please.” His voice was softer now. Something about it made Charlie melt, seeing Nick still just as weak for him as he secretly was for him. Charlie couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think, all he could do was watch. Watch as Nick’s face got just a bit closer, a little more relaxed. 

“Nick,”

“What?” Nick’s face got closer and Charlie felt his body shrink under his. Charlie’s eyes kept flicking down to his lips, and it was the only thing he was looking at now. He remembered how soft those lips were. How hungry they were, and how they used to feel on his body. Full pink lips that tasted so good, like his favorite fruit. They were so close now, and they were so tempting and god did he miss the way they tasted. Charlie felt the tension between them grow just as fast as the erection in his pants. Charlie slowly moved his left hand up toward the doorknob behind him and in a swift motion without breaking eye contact he used his fingers to turn the lock. 

Looking straight ahead into Nick’s face, their eyes were saying everything their words couldn’t. 

Charlie crashed his face forward into Nick’s and when their lips met, it was everything he remembered and more. Just like the both of them, it was the same but different. There was a different kind of passion behind the kiss, a passion fueled by frustration and unsaid words. 

Nick moaned into his mouth and he could taste the remnants of the bubbly drink Charlie was downing earlier. As Charlie licked back into his mouth Nick brought his hands up to cradle his black curls and he swore that he could die happy knowing that he got the chance to touch them again. They moaned into each other’s mouths and Charlie’s hand came up to Nick’s bicep, squeezing it and noticing that it was much bigger than before. The realization made Charlie’s heart rate spike thinking about what else about Nick got bigger in their time apart. 

Nick was the first one to pull away, hands now holding the sides of Charlie’s face. The low light in the room made both of their pupils blown out, but as Charlie looked up, all he could see was black pools of desire staring back at him. Nick bit his lower lip as he moved his thumb to Charlie’s bottom lip, swiping it to feel the softness. He could already feel Charlie’s lip swell just slightly at their rough kiss. An electric spark grew around them and Charlie learned forward and took Nick’s thumb into his mouth, sucking on it, making sure to bite the pad of his thumb just slightly. Nick’s jaw dropped at the obscene sight and their lips were crashing together once again. 

“Charlie,” Nick breathed into his mouth, panting in between licks. Charlie responded by tugging on his collar, scraping his nails into the back of his neck. The scrape left a trail of goosebumps running down his arms and Nick felt his body shake at the thrill of it all. 

He wasn’t supposed to be doing this. Anyone could come up here and knock on the door, exposing them. How would they explain this to their friends? What did this mean, are they getting back together? Too many unknowns made this too risky and Nick could feel himself panicking. 

“We should stop–” Nick pulled back quickly, distraught at his own decision. Charlie looked back and a low whimper fell out of this mouth and the sound went straight to Nick’s dick. It was painful just how much it was straining in his jeans and he watched as Charlie’s hungry eyes darted south to look at the growing bulge. 

“Do you really want to?” Charlie’s words were quick and before Nick could answer Charlie was kissing the side of his neck with enough force to leave a mark. “Tell me you want me to stop and I will.” He breathed just before biting into his skin again.  

Nick’s hands were roaming up and down Charlie’s back as he let out a strangled moan that was paired with his eyes rolling into the back of his head. As he panted into the dark room his grip on Charlie’s shirt was getting tighter and then he finally whispered “No.”

Charlie’s fingers were making quick work of Nick’s belt and zipper. Faster than Nick could comprehend, his dick was inside Charlie’s mouth and he was letting out a moan that ripped through the room. 

“Fuck, Charlie–” Nick groaned and he threw his head back at the pleasure that was encapsulating his body. It had been way too fucking long since he had sex, or even a blowjob. Truth is, he couldn’t get himself to have a rebound fuck like all of his friends told him to do. He couldn’t look someone else in the eye and undress them and pretend that he wasn’t thinking about Charlie. Having him again, and on his knees at that was something that Nick had been dreaming about since they broke up and he almost couldn't believe it was actually happening. But eight months with just his hand meant that he wasn’t going to last long.

“I’m gonna come, ah, fuck–” Charlie groaned at his words causing the vibration to send Nick over the edge and Charlie was met with a familiar taste on his tongue. 

Charlie hasn’t had this much fun since the last time him and Nick fucked. He couldn’t stand the thought of someone else in his mouth and he had been dreaming of this moment far longer than he’d care to admit. Getting Nick off so easily and quickly had his ego growing through the roof and he was getting a thrill from it. Once he had swallowed down everything Nick gave him and licked his lips clean, he looked up through his lashes and saw Nick’s heaving chest. He got back up onto his feet and backed himself back into the closed door once again, tugging Nick along with him. 

“You’re not done yet, Nelson.” Charlie smirked, trailing Nick’s hands to his own cock, making him feel the pressure under his tight jeans. “You see what you do to me? It’s fucking unfair.” He whispered while he pushed Nick’s shoulders down, forcing him down on his knees.  

“Charlie, Jesus Christ.” Nick had barely any time to catch his breath before he was taking Charlie into his own mouth, feeling himself drool. It had been so fucking long since he’d done this, but it was like riding a bike. Once you do it once, you never really forget. Nick licked up and down the length and sucked on the head messily, feeling wetness dripping out of his mouth, unsure of who it belonged to. A sloppy blow job wasn’t something he was a stranger to, but something about the way Charlie wasn’t touching him, wasn’t talking to him made this feel like exactly what it was; a hookup. 

Nothing like before where no matter how dirty they talked or how aggressive it was, it was always laced with love and care. This was detached and sloppy, like they both knew they were never gonna see each other afterwards. Nick felt a pang in his chest realizing the truth of their actions and he felt a bittersweet burn in his body as he heard the familiar grunt above him and swallowed down the drink that he’d never get again. 

***

“We can’t do this again.” Charlie said over his shoulder as he zipped up his pants and straightened his curls. 

“I know, I’m sorry–” 

“Don’t apologize, Nick. It was fun,” Charlie had a smile on his face, but it was laced with something dangerous. “But that’s all it was, just fun.” 

Nick crossed his shoulders over his chest and he could feel his chest puff up with pride. “Is that all it was, Spring? Just a bit of fun? Y’sure you still don't have feelings for me?” There was a playfulness in his voice that died as soon as he saw Charlie's cold stone expression looking back at him. The temperature in the air went cold and Nick could already feel the air get sucked out of his lunch before Charlie even opened his mouth.

“Goodbye, Nick.” With a prompt motion Charlie was unlocking the door and walking out, leaving him behind. 

Nick’s tall frame stood there, watching him leave once again. If Nick was a better man he would run after him and ask him for coffee the next day so he could properly explain everything. If Nick was a better man he wouldn’t have had a dark, sloppy hookup with his ex. 

If Nick was a better man he wouldn’t have lied and ruined the best thing he ever had. 

Two Weeks Later 

Charlie could feel the bass of the music vibrating his feet through his shoes and as he whipped his head around he spotted something in the corner of his eye. He decided to ignore it at least until the song ended and he could go get another drink, but for now he was going to continue to sing along to the music while dancing with Imogen and Elle. It was girls night after all. 

Once the song came to an end and the dance floor became sparse, Charlie could feel eyes on him, but he couldn’t tell which direction they were coming from, but he knew they were there. Walking over to the bar he stood and waited for his third vodka cranberry of the night while he could feel the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. It was thrilling, but also comforting knowing someone was there watching. 

Charlie got his drink and as he turned around to lean his back on the bar he looked ahead and saw the man he was anticipating. 

Across the room sitting at a booth and sipping on something in a tall glass, was the same muscled man that he couldn't stop thinking about. They locked eyes and over the music they stood and watched. Watched as each other’s eyes roamed over the other’s body and came back to link once again. Charlie took a long sip, making sure to not move his gaze and after minutes that felt like hours he set his empty glass down and walked to the bathroom. 

Once the door to the single stall bathroom was closed Charlie took out his phone to  text Elle while he still had time. The alcohol he had just downed made his eyes a bit fuzzy and he had to blink away the softness before his screen came into focus. With a shake of his head he almost hesitated. Was he really going to do this again? 

The bass of the music seeped from under the door and the red neon light made him feel like a different person. The kind of person that does this kind of thing. He bit his lip at the memory and decided just for tonight, just this one time he was going to be this person. He made his fingers type out words that he didn’t mean before he took a deep breath in anticipation. 

Feeling a bit sick, gonna uber home. See you in the morning xx. 

Charlie put his phone on Do Not Disturb before shoving it back into his pocket. He washed his hands and ran his tongue over his teeth before he heard the bathroom door open. Looking in the mirror they locked eyes again and Charlie felt the warmth of the vodka run over his body before it was replaced by the touch of his large hands on his arms. 

“Hi, Nick.”

Chapter Text

Present Day 

what are you doing later? 

                                                              not you. busy tonight. 

damn ok. have fun with ur hand 

                                                             fuck off 

Charlie locked his phone and turned it face down on the kitchen table. He hated that seeing that name pop up on his screen still made him feel like a teenager. This was stupid, and so dangerous. He was too old to play this game, and he needed to move on. Charlie debated deleting the number but he could feel his stomach churn at the thought of not having that digital string connecting him to the past. 

A heavy sigh left his mouth just as Elle was walking into the room. 

“Woah, you okay?” Charlie looked up and saw that she was already dressed and ready to go. Dressed as flashy as ever, she looked great–she always does. 

“Yeah I’m fine…just stressed about tonight I guess.” Charlie was fidgeting in his chair and ran his fingers through his curls. 

“Do you think,” Elle hesitated, looking Charlie up and down trying to gauge a reaction before continuing, “he’ll be there?” 

Charlie let out another sigh and looked up at the ceiling. “I don’t know. Probably. He always finds me, somehow.” 

Elle tilted her head and gave a small smile. “Not like you don’t love it though. C’mon Charlie, I see the way you try to sneak around it, but it’s still there.” 

Charlie darted her gaze. He hated talking about this–talking around it really. Neither of them have actually said the words, but they both know they’re talking about the same thing. The first night it happened back in May when he disappeared, Elle was worried sick and spent half the night running ragged looking for him only to find him walking out of a bedroom fixing his shirt with his ex standing behind him.  

Only Elle knew what was going on. She didn’t know the details, only that whenever they were out if Charlie ended up disappearing, she knew exactly who he was with and that eventually he’d end up in his own bed in their shared flat the next morning. 

“Charlie, I’m sorry to ask but….do you still love him?” Elle studied his face and saw how his brows softened and his lashes fluttered. A long pause wrapped around them and Elle leaned against the wall while waiting for an answer. 

“I don’t know, maybe. But even if I did…it doesn’t matter.” Charlie’s voice wobbled just slightly and when he looked up to make eye contact, Elle leaned forward and embraced him in a hug, one that he didn’t know he needed. He felt his body shutter and he had to control himself from letting out a small cry. 

“No, no, no, you just…” Elle rubbed his back while she squeezed his shoulders tighter. “I think you need to talk to him, really talk to him. I’m sure he still feels the same way about you.” 

Charlie pulled away and rolled his eyes, annoyed at himself. “I doubt it. I’m such a dick to him, honestly. I just…I don’t know what’s wrong with me. We broke up, I ended it for god’s sake, and I can’t stop thinking about him. I’m just being mean at this point, like… fuck he makes me so mad but I can’t stop. I–I can’t stop… wanting him.” He looked down at the tile floor below him and felt embarrassed at the sudden word vomit. It was the first time he admitted it out loud to anyone. “I’m probably the worst person in the world for that actually.” 

Elle sat down at the chair across from him and crossed her legs. “You’re not a bad person Charlie, you’re just going through something. Look, I’ve known you both for a long time and when you guys broke up…it was devastating, obviously. But not to just you two, for all of us. You’re Nick and Charlie . You breaking up was literally… like no one ever saw that coming. So you two still being obsessed with each other is not surprising.” 

“I never said I was obsessed.” Charlie retorted sarcastically while giving her a glare. 

“Y’know what your problem is, you never listen.” Elle let out a playful chuckle and leaned back in the chair while crossing her arms over her chest. 

“Nick tells me the same thing.” Charlie raised his head and they both shared a look. 

“Okay, okay fine, maybe you’re right but…” His voice died as he shook his head, not even knowing what he was trying to say. His thoughts had been so jumbled for months now that thinking about it exhausted him. It was easier to ignore it and use Nick’s body to get off and then go their separate ways. He knew it wasn’t healthy, he knew he was lying to himself and to Nick, but it just felt easier this way. 

“Let’s just talk about something else please.” Charlie looked up and gave a forced smile. “So! What time are we leaving? Is Tao meeting us there or is he riding with us?” 

Elle rolled her eyes and decided it wasn’t worth the argument, at least not right now. “Tao is meeting us there with everyone else at 9. So go, go on and get dressed and wear something hot.” 

***

Nick laid in bed and stared at the ceiling fan above him. He watched as the blades whirled round and round and he tried his hardest to resist the urge, but he simply couldn’t. He felt his phone in his hand and squeezed the sides of it, once again trying to resist the urge. But after all, this was Charlie he was thinking about so he didn’t have much control over it even if he tried. 

It was a Saturday night and Charlie was busy, too busy for him. Busy doing what? Nick bit his lip while ruminating the possibilities. It was the last weekend of September, could he be at an early Halloween party? Then it hit Nick all at once.

Tao’s birthday. 

Nick immediately opened his Instagram app and went straight to Tao’s profile and clicked on his profile picture, hoping to see an updated story. 

Nothing. Figures, Tao was just as offline as Nick was, posting wise. Nick’s fingers were working before his brain and suddenly they were tapping onto Elle’s profile and sure enough, there was an updated story that was posted an hour ago. A selfie of Elle and Charlie dressed up with the caption ready to celebrate u! @tttaoxu. They were both smiling in the picture and Nick stopped to stare at the only thing he knew how to focus on these days. Nick stared and raked his eyes over the image as long as he could before he noticed at the bottom of the screen that Sahar, Isaac, Imogen, Tara and Darcy were all tagged. 

He could feel something grow in him, something that didn’t make sense to him. 

So Charlie was blowing him off to go hang out with all of their friends? Without him? No one invited him or told him about any party this weekend. Nick felt an ugly green monster grow in his chest, one he didn’t know how to handle. With more focus Nick tapped onto Tara’s contact in his phone, remembering that they still shared locations from when they got separated at a concert last year. Nick silently thanked the gods he didn’t believe in that it still worked and saw that she was moving, likely in an Uber. 

A shame washed over his body as he realized what he was about to do. Was he really tracking his friend's location so he could crash another friend’s birthday plans so he could run into his ex? 

Yes, yes he was. 

***

“Taaaoooo, happy birthday!” Tara’s voice was loud and high pitched over the music as she leaned up to give his tall frame a hug. Charlie stood on the outside of their group of friends and watched as everyone was there, except Nick. It never got any easier, seeing everyone together and remembering how good it used to be. When they broke up their respective friend groups didn’t cut each other off, only Nick and Charlie did. Well, kinda. But only Elle knows about that. 

Charlie looked around and saw that the club was starting to get busy and he decided it was as good a time as ever to grab a round of shots for everyone to get the night started. As he waited at the bar top for his shots, he felt awkward and out of place. Eyes roaming around anxiously, they landed on a brown eyed brunette that was at the other end of the bar that was looking right back at him. Charlie gave a small side smile, flirty enough to show off his dimple. Charlie’s eyes lingered over his frame slowly. He was tall, but had a slender frame. He wasn’t a freckled ginger, but he was cute enough. 

Charlie looked him up and down one more time and noticed the chino pants and the button up. He looked like a business major, probably a douchebag. He rolled his eyes and went back to watching the bartender pour the line of shots. Once all eight shots were poured Charlie carried the tray back over to the table that they had reserved. 

“Here you go birthday boy, all for you!” A devilish smirk ran across his face as he watched Tao’s eyes grow the size of his love for films. 

“Charlie what the fuck!” Tao whipped his head around to look at the rest of the group and Charlie watched as the blue and purple lights reflected off his skin. 

“I’m kidding, oh my god. There’s one for each of us, you numpty.” Charlie giggled and it felt good. “Please, as if you could survive eight tequila shots.” 

“Care to make a wager?” Tao wiggled his eyebrow as he leaned into the table. 

“ No! I will not be the one dealing with you being sick in our one bathroom flat.” Charlie scoffed and chuckled as he passed around the shots to the rest of the table. 

“Not like you’d even be there tonight.” He heard Tao mumble. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Charlie asked with a sharper bite than normal. 

“Nothing! I didn’t say anything.” Tao raised his hands in defense before Elle was cutting in to raise her shot and make a toast. 

“To another year around the sun! Happy Birthday, Tao!” 

Charlie raised his glass and felt the smile die from his face at Tao’s comment. Did he know? Did everyone know? Charlie felt paranoid and restless. He just needed to down this shot and go dance, that always made him feel better. Once the  group had their shot glasses empty he was grabbing hold of Imogen and Tara’s hands and forcing them out of the booth to the dancefloor with him. 

Charlie felt good under the lights tonight. Elle convinced him to wear his new crop top that showed just a sliver of tanned skin by his hips and it was nice feeling the air on his skin. The humidity was already getting to him and he felt stuffy as his body was starting to absorb the alcohol. 

As the music started to get louder Charlie could feel the bass on his bare skin, making him feel ethereal. He took this new found joy and ran with it, making him twirl Imogen and Tara in each hand, making them both burst out into a fit of giggles. As the three of them danced and bobbed their heads to the music he felt a pressure melt off of his chest. A few more songs went by and Charlie closed his eyes and threw his head back, letting the music wash over his body, taking him somewhere far away. 

“Drink!” Darcy’s loud voice interrupted his bliss as they came up behind him and shoved a glass in his hand quickly before turning and running off with Tara and Imogen. Scoffing in surprise, he watched as sticky liquid sloshed out of the glass and stained his fingers. Standing there in the middle of the dance floor suddenly alone he absent mindedly licked the alcohol off his fingers, not noticing the tall brunette man from the bar in front of him. 

“Hey, you look really good tonight.” His voice was deep, but loud over the music. He leaned in slightly and Charlie noticed his dimple when he smiled. His smile was nice, but it didn’t make him blush like he was used to. 

“Thank you, I know.” Charlie gave back a flirty smile and a chuckle before realizing this stranger just caught him licking his fingers in public. “Er- sorry, I was just cleaning myself up.” 

The stranger laughed and Charlie was already comparing it to Nick’s. Charlie wiped his hand on his trousers and he passed the glass into his other hand, allowing him to extend his arm out for a handshake. “I’m Charlie.” He felt the large hand in his and it was surprisingly smooth, not calloused like Nick’s. 

“I’m Ben.” 

***

Nick looked down at his phone one last time, making sure Tara’s location was at the same place. Making sure his eyes weren’t deceiving him, he started walking and could feel his heart rate spike at the thought of seeing Charlie again. Through his walk in the dark Nick tried to keep his mind calm, listening to the crunch of the ground below him and the night life. The jealousy and hurt in his chest still lived inside him and it made his pace faster than normal. He wasn’t going to cause a scene, he wasn’t that kind of guy. He didn’t really know what he was going to do, he just needed to be there. He just needed to see him. 

After Nick showed his ID to the bouncer and was let in, colorful lights, the smell of alcohol and the loud music took over his senses. Walking into the crowd Nick was scanning the large room to see if he could make anyone out. There was a slight fog in the air from people vaping and it made his eyes hazy as he moved his way toward the bar. 

“Nicholas?”

He heard Isaac’s voice before he saw him. 

He was alone, seemingly walking back from the restroom. 

“Hey Isaac, how are you?” Nick leaned in to give him a hug, feeling suddenly sentimental knowing the last time they saw each other was when his relationship status was more stable. 

“What are you doing here?” Isaac’s hazel eyes darted across his face, looking worried. “You know Charlie’s here right?” 

Nick looked around, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah I know. I um–” he looked down at his shoes, feeling awkward. “I don’t really know why I’m here actually.” 

Isaac looked him up and down and gave him a small side smile when they made eye contact again. “Do you wanna come back to the table with me? We’re all here for Tao’s birthday.” 

Nick felt warmth in his chest at the friendliness. It was nice to know that at least one person from his past didn’t hate him. “Sure, why not. Let me just get a drink first. Will you wait with me?” 

“Course.” Isaac smiled his toothy smile and Nick felt a pressure fall off his chest. 

With a rum and Coke in his hand, Nick was being led back to the booth in the corner. Crossing the dancefloor and weaving through the crowd of people Nick felt his nerves come back in full force. He hadn’t seen anyone besides Tara and Darcy in the last year and he didn’t necessarily plan to have a big reunion with everyone tonight, but here he was. 

“Look who I found at the bar!” Isaac’s voice chirped and the group looked up from where they were sitting with mouths agape and shocked eyes. 

“Nick?” “Oh my god, Nick!” “Hey, Nick!” A slew of overlapping voices bombarded his eardrums and he was met with enthusiastic hugs and cheers from the few that were still at the table. 

“Wha–what’re you doing here?” Tao asked, slurring the words just slightly. Clearly he already had a few drinks tonight. Nick chuckled while taking the empty seat next to him. 

“I came to see you, obviously birthday boy.” He chuckled while patting his chest. 

“No shit, that’s crazy.” Tao reached over to give him a side hug and Nick could smell a mix of cologne and booze on him. 

“How have you been? We’ve missed you!” Sahar asked and Nick felt a shy smile creep on his face. 

“I’ve been okay, ya know, just grinding out my last year,” His small talk was interrupted when Tao tapped on the table in front of him. 

“Wait, d–does Charlie know you’re here?” 

Nick could feel his ears get pink. “Um, n-no I don’t think so.” 

An awkward silence fell over the table and Nick stirred his drink with the thin straw that the bartender gave him. He decided then that it was probably best to down the drink as fast as possible and then get out of here. 

“Where is Charlie, anyway?” Sahar’s words broke the tension, making Nick’s eyes snap back to the conversation. 

“I think he’s out dancing with the girls, but I don’t see him.” Isaac added, eyes scanning the crowd. Nick looked out trying to find the mop of beloved black curls but was met with nothing. 

“Are you guys like…good? I mean is it gonna be awkward if you see him?” Tao asked while sipping his drink. 

“Yeah, yeah, it’ll be fine. It’s been a long time.” Nick cleared his throat and plastered on a fake smile and went back to sipping his own drink. The awkward silence was replaced with more chatter and banter and as the conversations steered away from Charlie and his relationship Nick could feel himself let loose. Being together with them again was familiar, but different. He felt good being back with his old friend group, so much so that the time was going by quickly. When Nick checked his phone he was shocked to see that he had already been at the club for almost an hour.

Just as Nick was about to get up to finally order another drink, Tara, Elle and Imogen came up to the table with eyes wide. 

“Nick? Oh my gosh, what are you doing here?” Tara approached him first, giving him a hug and when Nick stood up to give them all a hug he was interrupted by Darcy running up behind them. 

“Nickyyy!” His name dragged out of their mouth before they covered their mouth with their hand. “Oh shit, you can’t be here right now.” 

Tara turned around and gave her a puzzled look and both her and Nick spoke in unison. “Why not?” 

“Charlie, he’s um, he–” Elle stuttered. 

“Oh shit!” Tao’s voice shook behind them, and when they all turned their heads toward the bar, Nick felt his heart rip. 

Charlie was kissing a tall brunette man. 

***

When Charlie pulled back from the lips that were touching his, he felt different. Something in the air felt different. 

There was no spark, no connection, no zing. It was just two lips touching. 

“You taste like cranberries.” Ben’s voice was low and syrupy and Charlie had to bite back the ick that he was starting to feel. He gave a small smile, attempting to be polite, but he really just wanted an excuse to walk away from this man. It’s not that Ben wasn’t cute, he was, but he wasn’t him.  

“That would be because of my vodka cranberry.” He replied back into their shared space, desperately wanting to leave it. “Look Ben, I’m sorry but I came here for my friend's birthday and I really should get back.” 

Ben’s hands found his waist and he looked down at him with lust in his eyes. “Okay, I get it. But promise to come find me later, okay?” Ben leaned in and kissed the side of his cheek and Charlie had to force a tight lipped smile when they were face to face again. He nodded his head before wiggling out of his grip and walked away, heading back to the table, feeling slimy as ever.  

Charlie’s eyes were unfocused and between the elbows he was treading around, he didn’t notice his whole friend group staring him down when he finally made it back to their spot. 

Right in the middle of his friends was the one man that he didn’t expect to see tonight. 

“Nick? What the fuck are you doing?” Charlie felt his voice rise over the music.

“I could ask you the same question. The fuck are you doing kissing random twats at the bar?” Nick felt his face twist in disgust and he could feel the green jealousy controlling his body.

“Wha–none of your business! You don’t get to care anymore.” Charlie felt his voice bite  back and suddenly everyone else in the room disappeared and it was just the two of them. 

“Guys, don’t do this–” Elle tried to cut in. 

“Oh I don't get to care anymore?” Nick scoffed and rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Yes, Nick, we’re not together anymore, remember? What’re you even doing here? I told you I was busy tonight.” Charlie was huffing now and he could feel the fiery magnetic pull as he took a step closer. 

“We’re not together yet you end up in my bed every week, is that right?” 

Charlie’s jaw hung open while Nick heard small gasps around him. Their friend group had never seen them fight before, and they surely didn’t know about their unspoken arrangement. Until now that is. 

Charlie looked up into angry brown eyes and he swallowed before spitting out the words in front of their audience. 

“Fuck you, Nick.” 

“Oh, I think you’ve done plenty of that lately.” Nick spat back. 

“Guys, stop !” Tara’s voice cut into the air as she stepped in between the two of them. Both Nick and Charlie’s gazes were locked onto each other and they couldn’t look away even if they tried. “Charlie, c’mon.” She tugged at his bicep and pulled him back into the crowd leaving the table. 

Nick was left standing there watching him walk away again. He felt like his heart was on fire and as fucked up as it was, he knew Charlie was the only one who could extinguish it. 

The room came back into focus and Nick felt like someone stomped on his chest. He felt his whole body light on fire in embarrassment and in shame. He didn’t mean to do that, not in front of everyone especially. Coming here was a bad idea. Still being hung up on Charlie was a bad idea. All of this was a bad idea. 

Tao cleared his throat loudly and it brought Nick back to reality. 

“Nick, c’mon let’s get some air.” Tao nodded his head toward the front door and Nick had to peel his feet away, ignoring the shocked looks from his friends. He followed Tao while he led the way, ducking his head before stepping outside. 

Once outside, he could hear mindless chatter surrounding them as people walked in and out of the club, or waiting for their rides. Nick bit the inside of his cheek and watched as Tao grabbed a pack of smokes out from the inside of his jacket and pulled two out, one for himself and handed one to Nick. 

Nick didn’t smoke often, it wasn’t healthy for his lungs with being an athlete. But every once in a while he’d take a drag or two when he was drinking or just needed a good stress relief. What happened in there just now warranted a long drag and as he took the light from Tao and took the first inhale, he felt his lungs burn in an achingly good way. The burn in his lungs made him forget about the pain in his chest and just for a moment, here together while they stood and puffed on their cigarettes did Nick feel calm. The calmest he’s felt in a long time. 

“Thanks.” Nick made out while blowing out a cloud of smoke. 

The two of them stood in silence and looked out at the night in front of them. Nick should say something, but he didn’t know what to say. 

“Soo, when were you gonna tell us that you guys were still fucking?” Tao held the cigarette in his long fingers, giving Nick a look that showed he was less than pleased with what just happened. 

Nick let out a breathy scoff, mostly at himself. “It was supposed to be a secret. I’m sorry I ruined your birthday.” 

Tao nodded slowly and hummed while flicking the ash off the end of his cigarette. “S’alright...I actually kinda guessed there was something going on.” 

Nick gave him a sideways glance. 

“You know I practically live there right? I notice things. Plus…Elle might have mentioned that she saw you two at some party a few months ago.” 

Nick sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. 

“Do you still love him?” Tao took another deep puff and held in the smoke waiting for Nick to answer. 

Nick bit his lip and watched the ash burn slowly. “I never stopped.” He quickly took another drag and turned his face to blow out the smoke, avoiding eye contact. 

“Does Charlie know that?” 

“I don’t–I don’t think so. We don’t uh, do much talking these days.” He scoffed as his words came out, feeling awkward. 

“Right. Well, I probably shouldn’t tell you this but…pretty sure he still loves you too. I mean, he’s still in love with you.” 

Nick felt a drumming in his chest. “Yeah?” He took another drag, anxiously flicking the cigarette between his fingers. 

“Look, all I know is that he stayed in the house for weeks, a heartbroken mess. He, well actually all of us couldn’t believe that you guys were actually done. Like it didn’t make sense. You’re Nick and Charlie . There wasn’t a universe in which you guys weren’t with each other, so it was fucking weird. Anyway, I can tell you that this whole time he’s been single, no rebound, nothin’. I don’t know what the fuck tha t was, or who that guy is, but Charlie isn’t… just…I can tell. We can all tell that he’s still yours .” 

Nick let the words hang around him and he had to swallow back a lump of emotion in his throat. If what Tao was saying was really true then why hasn’t Charlie said anything this whole time? 

Probably the same reason he hasn’t either. 

“Well even if he was still, I don’t know if I can ever get him back. He’s so pissed, he won’t talk to me. I’ve tried and he won’t let me get two words in before he’s telling me off and then unzipping my pants,” Nick met Tao’s eyes and cringed slightly. “Sorry.” 

Tao shook his head and chuckled. “You forget I used to share a wall with him during our first year. I heard waaay more than I ever needed to.” The words fell out of Tao’s mouth with a smile and suddenly Nick was remembering when Charlie first moved to Leeds. How happy they were to not be long distance anymore. Even though it was only for a year, it was the longest year of his life–not counting the past year. 

Nick felt a bittersweet hurt run through his bones and he had to take another long drag to suppress his emotions. 

“Don’t give up on him, okay? I know it’s been a while, but if you guys are still… involved then it’s not completely over. He’s hurt and you know how stubborn he is. But trust me, he still loves you. He just needs time I think.” 

Nick stood there in silence for a beat more, staring down at the concrete beneath his feet. This was all so confusing and he didn’t know how to navigate this. He felt like he was driving a car on the right side of the road. 

“He just… god he just fucking gets under my skin sometimes. You saw that in there, we just–he’s not the same, I’m not the same. It’s hard not to hate myself for still being hung up on him.” 

“You don’t think he feels the same way?” 

Nick watched as Tao threw the cigarette to the ground and squashed it out under his boot. Feeling wobbly, Nick was now unsure. If Charlie really did still love him then he would give him time, as much time as he needed. But he also needed to talk to him and explain everything. If Charlie stayed as angry as he was they weren’t going to make any progress. Four months in and Nick was afraid that any day would be the last, making him feel even more desperate to win him back. 

“Also, I’m sorry we didn’t invite you to this. I know it’s fucked up, but Charlie asked us not to.” 

Nick nodded and gave a flat smile while he flicked the tip of the cigarette. “S’okay, figured.” 

“You need a minute?” Tao asked while reaching for the door to head back inside. 

“Yeah, I’ll be in a sec.” Nick took another drag and let out the smoke with a loud sigh. He threw his head back and closed his eyes and just stood there, listening to the wind blow past his ears. He took some deep breaths and focused on the fall and rise of his chest, something he’d been trying to do more often. 

“When did everything get so fucked up?” Nick muttered to himself as he squeezed his eyes shut harder, trying to block it all out. 

“Whenever you lied to me.” 

The cold voice startled him and Nick opened his eyes to see Charlie sauntering over to him with a mischievous look on his face. “I didn’t know you smoked.” 

Nick looked him up and down, now getting a good look at him. He looked good. 

Really fucking good. 

Nick licked his lips as he looked at the hips jut out from under his crop top. The smooth silky skin was tempting him and when he spotted the dark freckle just below the hem of the white shirt he had to look away. “I don’t really, just when I’m stressed.” 

Charlie leaned up against the brick wall and chuckled. “Do I stress you out?” 

Nick turned his head over his shoulder and glared at Charlie. “Whenever you fuck with my head? Fuck yeah you stress me out.” Nick took a drag and watched as Charlie got closer, standing right next to him. 

“I’m not fucking with your head, you just make it impossible to be around you if my clothes arent off.” Charlie grinned and Nick shook his head.

“You’re a sadistic shit ya know that? Run me around, fuck off with me and my feelings. As long as you get off, right?” Nick glared into blue eyes and then looked down at his lips. 

“Cut the holier than thou bullshit, Nick. You know how this goes.” Charlie replied back, except his voice was deeper. There was a velvet lacing his words and it made a chill run up Nick’s spine. Like a siren, his body was already reacting to Charlie against his will. 

“Yep. Guess I do.” 

They both stood there in silence while Nick continued to stare out into the night. The music behind them was louder now and the crowd’s noise was starting to seep out of the building now. 

“I hope you know I’m not kissing you with smoke breath.” Charlie was face to face with him again, voice low so no one else could hear. Dark eyes gazed into his and Nick could feel his eyebrow lift. 

“Guess you’ll have to use your mouth for something else.” Nick spoke low before puffing again and blowing the smoke right into Charlie’s face. 

He could feel a smirk run across his own face at his action and how out of character it was for him. If Charlie wanted him to be a dick, he would be. As long as Charlie was the one in his bed at the end of the night, he would be whoever Charlie wanted him to be. 

“So who was that guy in there?” Nick asked, cringing at himself. Not like he really needed to know, but a weak heart had him doing stupid shit. 

Charlie let out a laugh, like Nick was being left out of a prank. “He was no one , trust me. I don’t even know why I kissed him, it wasn’t even good. Guys’ definitely still in the closet.” 

They both laughed and the tension between them dissipated. Even through all the bullshit and the fights and the anger, there was still a layer of the real them there. Knowing they could still laugh together gave Nick enough hope that maybe this wasn’t truly over. 

“So what, he didn’t compare to me?” Nick asked teasingly, secretly wanting to know the answer. 

Charlie bit his lip and tilted his head before responding. 

“No one does.”

Chapter Text

One Year Ago | Charlie 

Sunday Night 

“Who’s texting you?” Charlie was sitting next to Nick on his couch while shoving popcorn in his mouth while they watched the season finale of Bake Off. Nick’s phone had been buzzing for a few seconds now and it was starting to annoy him, even if he knew it shouldn’t. Sundays were supposed to be their days just for them. 

“Just Erin.” Nick typed back quickly with his right hand while his left hand squeezed Charlie’s shoulder. 

Charlie felt an immediate disgust in his body that he couldn’t control. Just the sound of her name made him want to put up a shield of armour and attack. 

“What does she want?” Charlie couldn’t help the bitter tone in his voice, but he immediately regretted it when he watched Nick’s jaw tense. 

“She’s just asking about uniforms for the game on Saturday.” Nick locked his phone and set it face down on the coffee table. His gaze focused back on the tv and Charlie studied his profile and sunk down further into the couch cushions. He watched as Nick’s jaw tensed more and he knew that something was bothering him. A few silent moments of watching the screen passed before Charlie spoke up. 

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have sounded so grumpy about it.” 

Nick looked over and gave him a smile. “It’s okay, I get it.” He leaned his head on top of Charlie’s curls and let out a deep breath. “You know I can’t ignore her, it’s part of being captain.” 

Charlie rolled his eyes and fidgeted with his nail. “Yeah I know, I just wish she didn’t flirt with you at any opportunity she got.” Charlie hated the sound of bitterness and jealousy that left his tongue, but he couldn’t help it. He didn’t want to hide it anymore just how annoying it was that she was always the first to bat her long lashes at Nick or twirl her hair when he was around. Charlie knew that Nick didn’t see it as well as he did, but his nonchalance around it didn’t make him feel better about it either. 

“Okay–” Nick moved his arm out from Charlie and scooted back on the couch to look at him face to face. “Baby, she’s just the team manager okay? She’s excited and I swear she’s like that with everyone. It doesn't mean anything.” Nick took Charlie’s hands and squeezed, just the way he always did when he was trying to reassure him. “I promise you, Charlie, nothing is happening between me and Erin. She knows I’m in a relationship, everyone does. Okay? You’re mine and I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”  

Charlie smiled up at him while looking into the pools of honey eyes that he fell in love with all those years ago. He believed him, he trusted him. “I know, I love you. I’m sorry I get so insecure about this. I promise I don’t mean–” 

“Hey, don’t apologize. I understand. I’m just glad we can talk about it.” Nick leaned forward and kissed the top of his head and then rested his forehead onto his. “I love you so much.” 

Charlie smiled and brought his lips up to kiss Nick’s. A small chaste kiss, but enough to know they were on the same page again. 

“C’mon let’s finish this episode.” Nick smiled and tugged Charlie back up under his arm. They watched the rest of the episode while they finished their bowl of popcorn, cuddling on the couch just like they do every Sunday. 

Wednesday Afternoon 

“What time is the game again?” Charlie reached over the table and stole Nick’s pen out of his hand just as he was about to start writing. He gave him a flirty smile and watched as Nick huffed, trying to look annoyed. They both laughed and Charlie beamed knowing that after all the years they’d been together they could still joke around with each other, that it didn’t always have to be so serious. 

They were in the library just before Nick had to head to his evening class and Charlie was feeling particularly mischievous. 

“Charlie, stooop.” Nick dragged out the word while he tried to grab his pen from Charlie’s grip. Charlie let out a louder than acceptable laugh and Nick was whipping his head around and shushing him. “You’re such a menace, oh my god.” Nick chuckled and Charlie felt his eyes grow in size just from staring at his boyfriend. Sitting in the library surrounded by books while Nick wore a blue jumper and his glasses that made him look unreal. Charlie was actually living his wildest dreams. 

“I love you.” Charlie whispered through heart eyes and he watched as Nick’s cheeks flushed and his dimple made its way front and center. 

“I love you too, Charlie.” Nick smiled even brighter now. “The game is at 6 by the way. You gonna be there?” Nick stole his pen back and Charlie watched as he went back to scribbling in his notebook. Something about the way that Nick grabbed his pen made Charlie think maybe he was upset with him. Was he overthinking this? Maybe he was being too sensitive. 

Charlie sat and studied the way Nick was writing, noticing his pace more urgent than normal. Charlie’s eyes flicked up to Nick’s to see the crease in his forehead and he felt a guilt gnawing at him. He shook the thoughts away and forced a small smile on his face trying to distract himself. 

“Yeah. I think I’m gonna drag Elle and Tao too if that’s cool?” Charlie tapped his own fingers on his book anxiously awaiting Nick’s answer. He heard a buzzing sound and noticed it was coming from Nick’s phone that was face down on the table. Charlie’s gaze darted toward the phone and he immediately felt a warmth run through his body. Why was he so worried about who was texting Nick all of a sudden? He didn’t understand why he felt so possessive lately. 

Charlie’s thoughts ran rampant as he watched Nick ignore his question and start typing  on his phone. As he watched the fingers type quickly Charlie remembered the incident over the weekend and he was trying to be better, so he sat there and took a deep breath, trying to be patient and not let this get under his skin. His own fingers started tapping quicker on the book when Nick finally looked up at him. 

“Sorry, what did you say?” 

Charlie swallowed back his annoyance and he chose to ignore the jealousy he was feeling in the pit of his stomach. “I asked if it was okay if Elle and Tao went to your match.” 

“Oh yeah that’s fine! The more the merrier.” Nick smiled and Charlie sat back in his chair while he watched him go back to writing his notes. 

Charlie took a deep breath and stared out into the large window overlooking the large hill on campus. 

“Are you okay?” Nick’s voice was gentle and Charlie felt his heart squeeze at how familiar it was. He could feel the fake smile grow bigger against his will. 

“Yeah. Promise.” 

Friday Night

“What’re you doing?” Charlie ignored Nick’s question and he closed his eyes while he kept kissing up his neck while his hand was starting to pull his sweatpants down. Nick was wearing his grey sweatpants with his favorite green jumper and even though they were supposed to be having a chill sleepover, he just looked too fucking good to resist. Charlie had been trying to control himself all night but when Nick kept biting his lip when they kissed Charlie couldn’t hold back anymore. 

“Just giving you a little good luck present is all.” Charlie giggled into the dark as he took Nick out of his briefs, applying pressure to all of his favorite parts. Feeling the warm skin on his made a pathetic sound fall from Nick’s lips and Charlie could feel his boyfriend’s breath quicken under his touch. This was one of his favorite parts, watching this tall, broad, muscular man fall apart under his touch and become a version of himself that only Charlie got to see. It was a privilege really, and it made Charlie feel like a king knowing he was the only one to make him feel like that. 

“Charlie,” Nick was whispering and his raspy voice made goosebumps raise on Charlie’s skin. 

“You like that, baby?” Charlie bit his ear while he pumped his arm up and down, stroking Nick. He could hear Nick’s moan catch in his throat while his freckled hand reached down toward the front of his own boxers. Frantic hands worked quickly and then they were both undressed under the blanket breathing in each other. Laying in the dark they whispered each other's names into their mouths as they basked in the bliss of their warm touch. No matter how many times they did this, it was still just as special as the first time. 

Charlie’s mind went back to that night, the first time he ever touched Nick. He was nervous, but ready. He knew that he would be okay, that he’d be taken care of. They both took care of each other and for a moment Charlie felt a pang in his chest knowing he wasn’t holding up his end of the silent promise. Charlie knew that lately he hadn’t been entirely truthful with Nick. 

As their moans continued to fill the room Charlie’s mind quivered. He knew he should tell him that he’s been struggling. No matter how many times Nick reassured him, or looked at him like the sun, or made him feel the way no one else does, there was still something there. Something was there eating at him, telling him that Nick was hiding something from him. 

Maybe it was all just paranoia, dating this incredibly fit man when Charlie himself still felt inadequate in comparison. Nick becoming more and more popular on campus didn’t help his insecurities. He was always busy and his attention was always on a million things at once, making Charlie feel like maybe he was taking the backburner in his life. Even though they’d been together for so long, Charlie still felt like maybe Nick would be better off without him. With someone better. 

“Char, baby,” Nick whimpered and Charlie could feel his body tense against his. 

“Let go, Nick. I got you.” Charlie whispered into his mouth as he pressed tender lips against his. They both swallowed each other’s groans and as heavy breathing filled their shared space Charlie felt a dark wave wash over him. 

Laying here with the love of his life, he felt alone, and he could only blame himself. 

Saturday  

“And the final score goes to Leeds!” 

The sea of crimson and green was roaring in the stands as the announcer’s voice boomed through the microphone. The stands shook as fans stomped their feet and jumped up and down, causing Charlie to feel the vibration as he stood up and hugged Elle. Charlie felt his cheeks burn at the cool wind that had been hitting them for the last few hours and he could feel his dimples on full display as he watched Nick get dogpiled from his teammates on the field just in front of him.  

“Oh my god, Nick!” Elle giggled and pointed while Tao chuckled and took a sip of his coffee. All three of them had been huddled for the last half hour as the temperature had dropped and Charlie was so thankful that Nick convinced him to bring along an extra jumper. Charlie checked his phone and saw that it was just after 8pm. 

“Do you think they’ll be going out tonight?” Tao shouted over the crowd toward Charlie, gesturing toward the rowdy team. 

“Oh yeah, for sure. If I’m lucky he won’t talk me into going with him this time.” Charlie chuckled as he tucked his phone away in his jean pockets. 

“Right, like you could ever say no to Nick. Admit it, Charlie, you’re whipped!” Tao threw his head back in a mischievous cackle while Charlie and Elle stared at him and shared a laugh. 

“Shush, you would be too if your boyfriend looked like that.” Elle nodded toward the field where Nick was waving to them wearing a big grin and a muddy uniform. 

“Hey!” Tao interjected.

“I’m kidding, you know I love you.” Elle leaned over to give Tao a kiss on the cheek and Charlie watched his two best friends with a pride in his chest. He was happy, and all he wanted to do now was bask in this happiness with his boyfriend. 

“I’m gonna go talk to Nick, be right back.” Charlie waved to Elle as he made his way down the bleachers and towards the field.  

As Charlie made his way down to the field he watched as Nick got pats on the back, ruffled hair and cheers from his teammates. As people shuffled around the field and the crowd started to dissipate, it was chaos on the rugby pitch. Charlie walked closer to the field now and when he finally made eye contact with Nick he felt a light inside of him. Charlie ran to Nick and jumped into his arms, feeling Nick’s strong arms spin him around. Charlie never cared how sweaty or muddy he was after a game, he always jumped in his arms. 

“Congrats, baby! You did so well!” Charlie was nuzzled into Nick’s neck and he could hear his words come out muffled. He could feel Nick’s whole body shake as he chuckled and squeezed him tighter and it felt like home. After a beat longer Nick was setting him down and grabbing his face into a kiss. A sweet, tender kiss that tasted like him . 

“So, I assume you’re all going out tonight?” Charlie giggled as Nick wiped away some mud that got on his cheek from their embrace. 

“I would assume so, we always do. You wanna come?” Nick looked at him with big brown eyes and Charlie could hear Tao’s sarcastic comment in the back of his mind. 

“I don’t know….I do have a paper I need to write.” Charlie contemplated over his answer as he felt Nick squeeze his hands. He knew he couldn’t ask Nick not to go, captain’s responsibility and all. Charlie felt a pang of jealousy in him when he realized this was another instance where he felt second to everything else in Nick’s life.

“Well…that’s okay. You don’t have to come. I don’t ever want you to feel like you have to just because of me.” Nick’s words were genuine and Charlie felt the guilt in his chest begin to melt away as he mulled over his words. 

Charlie gave a small smile and he felt the tug of uncertainty in his chest. “Y’sure it’s okay if I don’t go? I promise I’ll go to the next one.” 

Nick smiled and looked down at him with sparkling eyes. “Yeah, I get it. Don’t worry about it, there’s always next time.” 

Charlie stood up on his tip toes and gave Nick another kiss on the lips. Charlie smiled into his mouth and giggled before coming back down to his normal height. 

“I’ll text you later, okay?” Charlie dropped his hands and was starting to back away while he watched Nick stare back at him. “Have fun!” 

He watched Nick wave goodbye before turning around back toward the bleachers. 

***

Charlie sat on the couch flipping through movies to watch while he let out a heavy sigh. This wasn’t working. 

He didn’t want to be home, he didn’t want to be away from Nick, and he definitely didn’t want to be here alone while hearing Elle and Tao through the paper thin uni housing walls. 

Charlie looked at his phone and saw that he had no messages from Nick, but it was just after 9 o’clock. Chances are the rugby party was in full swing and Nick was already plastered. 

Admit it Charlie, you’re whipped! Tao’s voice echoed in his mind and he cringed at himself. Was he really not capable of being by himself without his boyfriend? Has he really become that insecure and dependent? 

Charlie bit the inside of his cheek while his thoughts ruminated. He loved Nick, of course. He loved uni, and he loved being around his friends. But he also felt nervous, all the time. Nervous about his friends finding new friends, better friends. Nervous about Nick finding new friends…finding someone better. Why did it all seem so scary? Charlie didn’t have these issues the first year he was here. But as time went on and everyone fell into their routine, things started to feel different. Charlie tried to pinpoint exactly when he began to feel off, but he couldn’t. It wasn’t an overnight switch, it just…happened. 

Charlie stood up and paced the living room, checking his phone again. Still no messages from Nick. Did Nick not want him at the party?

Charlie’s mind immediately went to Erin. He didn’t necessarily feel threatened by her…maybe a little. But he couldn’t help it, he knew what she was like. Preppy, bubbly, energetic, gorgeous . The girl had a head full of luscious black hair and green eyes and was simply stunning. As someone only attracted to men, Charlie could still see the appeal so there’s no way that Nick didn’t see it too. He’d have to be blind to not notice her. 

Charlie was worried now, racking his brain of every interaction he and Nick had the past week. Every small glance, or short response. Was it because Nick was upset? Was Nick hiding something?

Charlie scoffed at himself, feeling ridiculous. He took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling as he tried to reel his thoughts in. Instead of standing around subjecting himself to this mental torture Charlie decided he would take action. Who cares what Tao thinks? If he wanted to spend time with his boyfriend he would. He didn’t have anything to prove and he most definitely wasn’t whipped. 

Charlie put his shoes and jacket on, grabbed his keys and checked his phone once more before slipping out into the night. 

***

Thankfully Charlie remembered where the house was. He should, he’d been there a dozen times now. It was the same house the rugby team always threw their parties at dubbing it the name “The Pitch” on campus. As Charlie walked up to the house, it was rowdy as ever, people walking in and out, hanging out on the lawn and on the front porch with a loud rap song blaring from inside. Charlie rolled his shoulders back and took another deep breath before climbing the stairs up to the front door. Thankfully he was dating the captain so most everyone here knew Nick, therefore knowing of him. Charlie’s first term, it made him uncomfortable, all the attention, but now he’s gotten used to it–kinda. 

Once he entered the threshold he decided it was best to text Nick instead of trying to find him through this sea of people. He dug his phone out of his pocket and opened up their text thread. 

changed my mind, I’m here! where are you?

Charlie made his way to the kitchen to get himself a drink while he waited for a response. Alcohol bottles and mixers littered the counter along with confetti and red solo cups. Looking at all the options, Charlie felt uneasy remembering that Nick always makes his drinks for him at these parties.

He shrugged away the thought and headed to the fridge to find himself a seltzer. It was easy and he knew he could down it quickly so it seemed like a good choice. As he cracked open the aluminum tab and guzzled down the first sip, he felt his eyes close and he let the sound of the music pour over him. With the bubbles sitting on his tongue, he checked his phone again, but nothing. 

Feeling impatient he felt his feet move him from the kitchen to the living room, searching for Nick. Soft smiles and polite waves to the few people he did know made him feel more secure, like maybe he didn’t always need to be by Nick’s side to be valued. 

After more searching with no luck Charlie made his way to the garage where a game of beer pong was being played. He decided to stand and watch for a few minutes, taking in the environment while he sipped on his drink. 

Two games and an empty can later Charlie left to make his way toward the kitchen for another drink. Once he got back into the main house, he turned the corner into the hallway that led to the atrium of the house. Just as his gaze was rising from the floor he finally recognized the ginger hair that lived atop a tall frame, but he felt himself gasp as he stopped in his tracks. 

Charlie felt like the world stopped spinning. 

His eyes weren’t working properly, there was no way. There was no way that he was actually seeing what he was seeing right now. 

Charlie took a step back and swallowed, blinking and trying to take everything in, even though it killed him to look. Like a horror movie, he felt like he had to watch through half covered eyes. He couldn’t blink, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think. 

His chest was heaving and he felt like the world was spinning around him. Charlie felt something on his cheeks and when he reached up to touch his face he realized it was his own tears. When did those get there? The blood was pounding in his ears and everything felt like it was underwater. He was underwater. 

He tried to speak, to make a noise, but it wasn’t working. Nothing was working, nothing was right. This wasn’t right.

Nick was standing there in his green hoodie, the same one he wore the night they had sex. Charlie felt bile crawl up his throat and he couldn’t breathe. He gasped as he saw the way Erin’s hands were holding his head and the way their lips touched. 

Nothing in the world was right because he was watching Nick and Erin kiss. 

***

Charlie was still standing in the hallway, feet rooted into the ground as he watched and felt his heart break. His brain was working faster than he could comprehend his own thoughts. This had to be a joke right? Who would be pranking him? What kind of post rugby tradition was this? Nick wouldn’t do this to him, this had to be a joke. 

“Excuse me?” 

Charlie’s thoughts were interrupted when someone shoved past him, making him tumble into the side of the wall. 

“Oh, um–” Charlie’s tongue was tied and when he looked up, the person passing by was already gone. Charlie swallowed and turned his head back towards where he saw Erin and Nick and suddenly they were gone. Charlie blinked and moved forward, his body in slow motion. His eyes were racking the room, trying to find Nick, trying to find an explanation. Adrenaline and panic ran through his body and like someone pressed fast forward, Charlie found himself moving at a pace faster than he was earlier. He needed to know what was going on. 

Charlie weaved in and out of people as he whipped his head around, desperately trying to find Nick, but his eyes still weren’t working. Everything was just a blur of bodies and he felt his knees buckle. 

“Charlie, hey, you okay?” Charlie recognized Trent’s voice but he didn’t register what he was saying. Trent’s dark blue eyes were staring at him with a concerned look and Charlie had to blink slowly to remember where he was. 

He didn’t recognize his own voice when it finally escaped his lips. “Where’s Nick?”

“Uh, out back but I think somethi–” Charlie was walking away before Trent could finish his sentence. 

Charlie’s feet were moving his body for him and as he got closer to the back of the house the adrenaline that was rushing over his body was overwhelming. He could feel himself shaking even though he was still wearing two jumpers. When he finally reached the back of the house, he pushed open a door that led him to the backyard. Once outside he whipped his head around frantically looking for the familiar flop of hair. 

When he finally spotted Nick’s tall frame leaning over Erin he felt like he could fall to his knees. As he felt his lower half wobble he continued walking forward, unsure of what to say. 

“Nick!” His voice shouted over the music and when he saw the flash of brown eyes he could feel more tears stream down his cheeks. 

“Charlie?” Nick was stepping away from Erin and he had a shocked look on his face. 

“Nick?” 

Nick lurched forward and reached out for his arms but Charlie backed away. Looking up he could see the furrow in his brow and his flushed cheeks. 

“Charlie, I’m so sorry–” Erin tried to cut in over Charlie’s sobs. 

“Erin, please –” Nick’s voice was defensive and sharp, cutting right into Charlie. 

Charlie’s mind was swirling and he felt like he was living in a nightmare. Erin walked away leaving the two of them standing there, breathing heavy. 

“Charlie, what are you doing here?” Nick’s eyes were wild and darting back and forth. 

“Wha–Nick, how could you?” 

“What? Charlie, what did you see?” 

Charlie scoffed, feeling the breath get knocked out of his chest. This was no mistake, Charlie seeing it was the mistake. 

“Is this why you didn’t want me to come tonight? So you could kiss Erin behind my back?” Charlie watched as Nick’s jaw hung open and his expression turned into something he didn’t recognize. 

“What! No, Charlie, listen to me, please. You were right, okay? Erin thought th–that something was happening between us, b-but I pushed her off and–” Charlie was already rolling his eyes and turning away when Nick grabbed his arm, stopping him in his tracks. Charlie could feel his blue be replaced by red as he shoved his arm from Nick’s strong grip. Feeling his arm being ripped away from his touch wasn’t the only thing breaking tonight. 

“Charlie!” Nick’s voice was loud as Charlie started to walk away. He couldn’t deal with this right now. He didn’t want to listen to what Nick had to say, he didn’t want to hear the excuses. His gut had been telling him the truth this whole time and nothing could ever deny that. 

He knows what he saw. 

***

Charlie dug his keys out of his pocket and he could feel the tear stains that dried on his skin, making his cheeks itchy. He sniffled and wiped his nose with the back of his hand while he felt a shiver run through his spine. As he made his way up to Nick’s flat he stopped and felt a sob crawl up this throat. He swallowed back the tears and put the key into the lock, turning it, and pushing open the door. 

Without even flipping the light on he darted right into Nick’s room and he was smacked in the face with pain. As quickly as he could with eyes half open he grabbed anything of his he could see. His phone charger on the nightstand, books on the desk, his clothes that he had draped across the chair. He knew he would be forgetting stuff, he could hardly think straight, but he needed to get out as fast as possible. Charlie grabbed as much stuff as he could and in between sobs he shoved everything into his duffle bag, one he had left there months ago. 

As he was moving down the stairs and into the kitchen he stopped to look at the fridge where he saw the array of pictures and notes that the two of them had left each other over the last two years that Nick lived in this flat. Charlie felt another wail escape his lips as he racked his eyes over the memories that lived on this fridge and he felt his heart swell. This was a nightmare and he was dreaming, right? 

Turning away as fast as he could, Charlie darted toward the front door, swinging it open and down the concrete pavers. 

“Charlie?” 

He looked up to see Nick getting out of the passenger side of his car, eyes watery and cheeks flushed. Sai was getting out of the driver's side and Charlie felt his cheeks go pink knowing they weren’t alone. 

Charlie locked eyes and he felt like he was melting. He could feel himself huffing as he  watched Nick run to him. 

“Charlie, what are y–are you leaving?” Nick was panting like he had just got out of Rugby practice. 

“Nick, I can’t be here anymore, I–” Charlie tightened the grip he was holding on the bag. 

“Wait, what do you mean…are you...are you breaking up with me?” Nick asked in between heavy breaths. His voice shaking in between inhales. 

Charlie felt like his chest was being stomped on and he couldn’t breathe. As the two of them stood there in the middle of the sidewalk, time slowed down. His own eyes were darting everywhere and he couldn’t get them to stop. He couldn’t get his tears to stop, or his thoughts. 

“Um, I–”

“Charlie, please don’t leave, w-we can talk about this! Please let me explain!” Nick sobbed and his voice was louder now with a desperate plea. Charlie felt the final break of his heart and he knew he wasn’t dreaming. This was real and it was happening too fast for him to understand. 

Charlie had to squeeze his eyes shut hard. He couldn’t deal with this, not right now. He didn't know what to do or what to say. All he knew how to do was run. 

“I–I’m sorry.” He whispered in between a broken sob as he walked past Nick and shoved the duffel bag up on his shoulder. As he walked farther away he tried to focus on the sound of his shoes on the pavement, but it wasn’t loud enough. 

He could still hear Nick crying.