Archive of Our Own ^beta

hey everyone. i’m really sorry for the silence over the past ffew months. many of you have been asking what happened to kessoku band. and since i was the one who took down the band’s social media accounts, i owe each and every one of you an apology and an explanation. 

i’m going to try to tell the story as neutrally as i possibly can, but i still have a lot of strong emotions regarding these events, and so i still struggle to remember everything clearly. also, english is not my first language, so i apologize in advance for any mistakes. 

i imagined we would play together as a band even after high school, but we quickly realized that would be difficult.  we played a few shows at starry. we even got bookings at other venues, though small ones. ijichi managed our finances like a pro, at least when yamada wasn’t splurging on food. i continued to write lyrics, and ikuyo continued to practice her vocal and guitar skills. we were so close to living the dream. 

i began officially dating ikuyo soon after we graduated, but as many of u suspected we were basically an item for a while before that. it’s hard to know when exactly we started dating since it came so naturally as an extension of our friendship. 

i can’t believe how bad it got. it started as something really small and petty. 

ikuyo had been practicing a song that she’d learned from yamada, and she wanted to show off how well she had learned it. she facetimed me while i was about to go to sleep one night. as she was playing, and singing, i fell asleep. after the song ended i woke up suddenly, and apologized. 

“ah! so sorry i missed the song, can u play it again for me?” i stuttered. 

“ahh, it’s okay hitori-chan, you looked so cute when u were dozing off like that. i’ll play it again.” her radiant smile, everpresent, unchanging. 

and again like the first time she played, i dozed off. after she finished the second time, i just pretended i had heard the whole thing. i guess she didn’t notice, because when i told her what a good job she did, she gave me a sad smile, and said goodnight. 

around a week later, kikuri invited me to the sick hack show at the budokan. kikuri and her crew had been practicing like hell for the past few weeks, and she was even cutting down on alcohol to get ready for it. this was sick hack's biggest show of their career, and it seemed like things were about to change for the better. as u all know, that was my dream venue, and i wasn’t gonna miss out on my friend and mentor playing the budokan for anything. but the show’s date just happened to be on my 1-year anniversary with ikuyo. 

ikuyo has always been the romantic type, she loves flowers and anniversaries and all that sappy stuff. i don't understand it but i played along to make her happy. so i texted ikuyo letting her know we could go on a date the day after the show, i even suggested a restaurant. but she wasn’t having it. she sent me a huge paragraph text, listing out everything i had ever done wrong as a girlfriend. 

she said she knew i was asleep during our last call, and said i didn’t care about her guitar playing, and she knew she wasn’t getting any better at it. she said i wasn't being supportive enough. she said she was tired of how i always zone out during conversations, how i let her yap on and on without really adding anything to the discussion. and worst of all, she complained about how she always has to speak for me in social situations, how she always has to cover for me when get into “one of my moods,” how she always has to put on a front, pretending everything is going well when it isn’t. it was hard to tell if she was more angry at me or at herself. 

after that ikuyo blocked me on everything, and stopped showing up to band practice. i was in a panic but i knew better than to go looking for her. what am i supposed to do, go knock on her door? if she was this angry at me i knew she wouldn’t want to talk. and to be honest i wasn't ready to talk either. 

i had a great time at the budokan with kikuri. i drank maybe a little more than usual, and crashed at kikuri’s place. 

ikuyo was overprotective of me. i overrelied on her. we had a single fight that ended the relationship instantly. it happened so fast i’m not even sure if i explained it properly. i guess things had been building up for a while but it all came out at once. we had never had a conflict before and so we didn’t even know how to resolve it. 

of course, this wasn’t the first time ikuyo disappeared, as yamada reminded me. she was the “missing guitarist” after all. yamada told me that the first time ikuyo disappeared, she tried to get in touch with ikuyo’s mom but had no response. she actually knocked on her door every day for a week without hearing anything back. i guess yamada wasn’t entirely joking when she said she thought ikuyo was dead. 

after the breakup, i found it harder to keep in touch with yamada and ichiji. we had a group dynamic. i wasn’t really friends with them outside of the band. without ikuyo’s presence, it always felt like there was a missing piece. i didn’t talk to my parents about it, but they could tell something was wrong as i wasn’t leaving the house for band practice anymore. 

as u know, this was my first friendship group. i spent all of my early teens learning to play guitar. then suddenly i’m surrounded by three of the most supportive girls i have ever met, who got me a part time job and started a real band together. i suppose it was a little too-much-too-fast for an introvert sub water-flea like me. i should’ve known it was too good to be true.

thank you all very much for the comments on my previous post. i understand there are still many unanswered questions, and i will try to address some of your concerns here. also, the kessoku band merch is selling out quickly, so please buy it while you still can. pls reach out to ijichi for information about merch. you may dm her personal isstagram @dorito-shojo 

ijichi texted me a couple days after ikuyo disappeared. she wanted to meet up for lunch and a talk. a cute cafe just outside shinjuku, with overpriced parfaits. nijika always had good taste. she always knows how to put me at ease. 

we sat down. i ordered a melon cream soda and nijika got a yuzu lemonade. not being one to initiate, i waited for ijichi to speak. she looked at me for a long time, then said, “so i’ve been talking with ikuyo and...”

my hands went cold. they had been talking about me. i thought this might happen, but i had no idea how bad it would be. i sat there in a daze, unable to think clearly or answer. in my mind, visions of earthquakes, mountains crumbling, a huge crevasse opening up beneath me. i wish it would swallow me whole... falling deep into the earth... surrounded by darkness... my true home is beneath the earth... 

a hand on my shoulder. a voice calling me back to the surface. “goto-san! goto-san...!” an exasperated sigh. “see, this is exactly what i mean. everytime i bring up something about you, you zone out. you don’t have to take it so personally. we all have things we can work on, we all have things we can improve about ourselves.” she gave me a weak smile, an attempt to be comforting. i wasn’t going to fall for it this time. 

“not you.” i shot back, without even realizing what i was saying. “not you, nijika. always pretending to be so perfect.” i knew i would regret saying this, but i couldn’t stop myself now.  “if you’re so tired of putting up with me, then you don’t have to anymore. i can take care of myself, as i always have.” 

ijichi’s smile faded. that’s when i knew i messed up, badly. i looked down at my feet, and i could feel my face turning pink with regret. ijichi sighed again, and i heard the clink of her glass as she stirred her yuzu drink thoughtfully before responding. 

“listen goto-san. your problem isn’t that you’re a bad friend. you’re an excellent guitar player. and your lyrics are genuinely poetic. your real problem is you place the rest of us on a pedestal. we’re not so much better than you, goto-san. we’re all still learning.” 

my heart dropped into my stomach. she was right. this whole time we were friends, i didn’t just believe they were all better than me. i knew they were. it was so obvious to me that i didn’t think about it most of the time, but i always felt outshined by the rest of them, especially nijika. she was so young, and yet she was able to run a business practically by herself. she and her sister were so independent. and i couldn’t do anything without my parents’ help. 

i thought back to the time i tried to sell my first show tickets. mom and dad offered to pay for their tickets twice for my sake. of course i knew my dog couldn’t get a ticket. of course i knew my sister wouldn’t come. my parents always took pity on me. if i was in ijichi’s position, i don’t know what i would do. my respect for her grew, and my respect for myself began to sink.

i tried sipping my soda, but it tasted more sour than sweet. 

* * * *

i spent the night in my closet, strumming away, trying not to think about ijichi’s words. something about the way she complimented me, right after i snapped at her, just didn’t sit right with me. 

i texted yamada. “sorry for messaging so late. can i ask a favor?” 

“what’s up hitori? you ok?” she sounded concerned, which was a good sign. 

i guess she was surprised that i texted her first, which only really happens if i’m in an emergency. i was just so afraid of losing her too. 

i invited her to a yakisoba place i know she likes. i just hope she would have something good to say to comfort me.

all things considered, the lunch with yamada went pretty well. we didn’t even really talk about the band. just kind of skirting around the elephant in the room, i guess. ryo talked about her favorite bassists, and told me about the latest twitter drama. the underground music scene is full of scandals, as you can imagine. i was happy just listening to her ramble. it was probably the most i’ve ever heard her talk, as she can be pretty quiet around others. but with me, she just seems to open up. the food also helps i guess. and the fact that i was paying for it. 

after lunch, we wandered around the mall. i watched ryo try her luck at way too many gacha machines. i knew she was bad with money, but wow. this girl was really just throwing it away. it has been a while since i hung out with ryo by herself, and without nijika to reel her in, she does tend to get a bit reckless with the spending. me being me, i didn’t say anything. i just watched as prize after prize slipped out of the claws of those cruel machines. 

as we were getting ready to leave the mall, i made the mistake of asking about ijichi. 

i thought that yamada and ijichi were close. i even thought they were dating at some point? i wasn’t sure, and i wasn’t one to ask about that sort of thing. but since the band was dissolving anyway, so i guess i had nothing to lose. 

“have you seen nijika lately? you’re usually always together.” 

“not really, no. we’re just taking a break.” yamada brushed off the question, turning her gaze elsewhere. she practically ran off, towards a bookstore display nearby. “oh, i have been waiting for this manga to come out for ever...!”

something must have happened between them too. so that was why ryo was avoiding talking about the band. now i felt even worse for snapping at ijichi last week. i didn’t know she was going through a breakup at the same time i was. she didn’t even mention it to me. we spent that whole conversation talking about my issues. probably just so that ijichi wouldn’t have to talk about her own. 

after ryo checked out with her manga purchase, we went our separate ways. she didn’t ask me to borrow money today, which seemed like a good sign. things are going well. 

i have been spending a lot of time with kikuri-sensei. i told her everything, about how ikuyo left, about how i’m drifting apart from ijichi, and about how my childhood dream is crashing and burning before my very eyes. i ccan’t help but cry while i tell her, and i have to admit im crying as i type this. 

kikuri-sensei is so understanding. she is only a few years older than me, but she has been through a lot, and suffered her fair share of breakups and lost friendships. 

“i don’t think this is the end of kessoku band. it might be the start of a new chapter. but the real question is if you can work through this pain and come out the other side a stronger band.”

i clung to kikuri’s words like a lifeline. i don’t know if i believe her when she says it isn’t over. but the fact that she has hope is enough for me. i started going to every one of sick hack’s shows. because i can’t bear to sleep alone anymore, i sleep on kikuri’s futon at night. kikuri’s warmth is enough to help me forget about kessoku band, or at least keep the bad thoughts away for the night. 

her apartment is as you’d expect, it smells of alcohol, with cartons, bottles, and plastic bags everywhere. she doesn’t have a room of her own, instead she sleeps on the floor by the living-room window. Eliza and Shima have their own rooms, but they share a bathroom. technically the apartment isn’t supposed to hold more than two people, but with me crashing there every night, we became a room of four. 

during the evenings kikuri seems so happy and carefree all the time. but when we wake up in the morning, i see a side of kikuri i have never seen before. 

before i moved in with her, i never saw kikuri sober. but when she is sober she becomes almost like me. her voice gets quiet, nervous. her slurring speech becomes stuttered and shaky. she gets really sad, and i sometimes have to pull her out of bed because she won’t move on her own. during these mornings, i have to take care of her as much as she cares for me in the evenings. 

she’s like that until we head to the famimart to get her first onikoro of the day. then she reverts back to her old self, good old, chill, relaxed, kikuri-sensei. i’ve paid for her alcohol many times at this point. it’s the least i could do to repay her hospitality. 

sometimes she’ll get into fights with her roommates. sometimes seika will come over and they’ll bicker about the dirty floors or some scheduling issue with the band. usually i’m able to stay out of it. i don’t know how much longer i’ll be able to to stay here before one of their fights involve me. as much as i care about kikuri’s health, i can see why she relies so much on alcohol. everything just seems to go much smoother when she’s drinking.