Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

6th July 2025 - 10.33pm

Where is my purple spring?! Where is it?! I've searched my bag, my other bag, downstairs and on the stairs. Where could it bewherecoulditbewherecoulditbe???  It's one of my new favourite fidgets... I can't lose it now! Not like when I lost my phone in China two years back... I had a full-on panic attack... and I'm soon going to have one now..!

I go downstairs to Dad, who's still stroking Cookie, our family dog. She's the cutest thing God created and will be forever on this earth plane. "Dad... I can't find my purple spring." I ask timidly. 

"Your what?" Dad repeats. 

"My spring." 

"I'm sure it'll be lying around somewhere, Banana." he responds. "Go to bed, it's so late already." 

But there's the problem, I can't go to bed until I've found that spring or at least know where it is. If Mum forces me to sleep, then I won't and will lie in bed staring up at the dark ceiling and it's bad if I do that because I have Enrichment Day 3 tomorrow and I need rest. 

Suddenly, an idea. My spring is in the Zafira from my concert last night! I forgot to take it into the house! Satisfied, I go to bed, knowing that I'll fetch it from the car tomorrow. 

7th July 2025 - 10.47am

I shift restlessly in my seat, feeling guilty about what me and my group had just done. We'd used Chat GPT for our playlets! It's not right, and I know it isn't, but I hate Drama so much that I don't tell this to my friends. Guilty Guilty Guilty, my brain tells me. Shush, brain. My mask has started retorting back to me recently, but it's only a mask, but also part of me now. I masked so much in the beginning of Year 8 that i'm actually struggling to peel the mask off, which is an awful feeling by the way. 

This is so boring, just waiting for our turn to perform our fake playlet which we did not create ourselves. Then I become more anxious as these thoughts enter my mind:

1. What if the teachers can tell it's Chat GPT made, and we get infringed?

2. Then after that what if I get teased and bullied by my classmates and news spreads to other forms and they ALL bully me??

I twitch and my hands stim under the table, while Aya looks so sure of us as well as our group. Don't panic Banana, don't panic.

7th July 2025 - 4.01pm

I leap out of the car, shouldering my heavy blazer. I rush to get the Zafira's car keys before opening it and retrieving... YES!! The spring, it's here just like I thought it would be!

Yes!!

Chapter Text

Ok, here are several things you need to know about me and my autism (and social anxiety AND speech impairment):

1. I am very awkward when meeting new people... but if you come up to me and say HI! then I'm still awkward but will relax a bit :).

2. I stim a lot: either by twiddling fingers, jogging leg, doodling (my dog Cookie, and manga eyes) or by tapping hands OR feet.

3. I am EXTREMELY aware of people watching me, and I always wonder what they think of me. I'm afraid of their opinions.

4. My speech impairment means I often stammer on 'ah' and 'eh' sounds. Very annoying and can appear in unfortunate places like the middle of my LAMDA exam.

5. I mask a lot. Like, a lot, a lot. I mask in school corridors, public spaces and transport, and when I'm with people I don't know or a formal meeting, typically.

6. Some things that I am very much afraid of: germs, craneflies (omg those things scare me so much) and little kids (i actually hate them, they always get on my short-tempered nerves).

7. Some things I will NOT eat: tomatoes, boba tea with the popping boba (the skins.), udon noodles (I used to love eating them until I admitted the fact that my stomach hurts like hell 1 hour after).

8. I cannot stand still. I will fidget, twitch and sway slightly if you try and put me into a choir which stand so still I feel as if I stick out in it.

9. I adore control. If my routine is disrupted I will get nervous, fidgety, and will want to know what's gonna happen.

10. If I am angry I will usually be very quiet, will not make eye contact (staring straight ahead) but the best way to deal with this (if you caused it by saying something or doing something) is staying by my side while I 'simmer down', because if you leave me to 'simmer down' I will feel worse and alone (one of the worst feelings ever). Also, I will always forgive you quite quickly unless you do something really bad to me, like bullying, in which case you will become one of my very few hated people. Current hated people: only my older penpal, who ignored me when I said hi and gave up with trying to get to know me because of point 1.

There's probably a few more points that I haven't mentioned but will mention at sometime when it pops up. Also, I hate eye contact. Too intimate.

Chapter Text

Tuesday 8th July 2025 8.35am

"Banana, hurry up and finish the grapes!" my mum screams at me in Chinese. I wince but keep my eyes focused on my phone, on Pokemon GO. Chewing each mouthful with care, I gulp the singular grape down before mentally preparing myself to eat the next squishy, ball-like thing. I have a love-hate relationship with grapes. If they're soft: I hate them. Hard? Better. 

"BANANA, HURRY UP!" I twitch and internally scream. Leavemealoneleavemealone. 

"I'm going." I say, before mum stops the car and I prepare to jump out... remembering my flute for the Cabaret rehearsal at 8.40am. And... it's not here. IT'S NOT HERE!! My heart goes into overdrive, my entire day's plans, my parent's love for me and Mrs Clementine's wrath falling upon my defenceless brain. My breathing quickens. My Cabaret rehearsal starts very soon. 

"Mum. I've forgotten my flute."

"I'll relay that message to Dad so he can bring it to you." she responds instantly. Little did I know I should have tried to stay in her good graces by saying thanks. 

This day is going from bad to worse. First, my piano exam results came back, I got freaking MERIT. This has broken my perfect streak of 3 piano Distinctions, and mum layered it on thick to me that I wasn't trying hard enough in practise. Not trying hard enough. Not trying hard enough. Those words boiled my blood and made me feel heady with hatred when she lectured me into it on the car. But I didn't retort. Because I can't find the strength to fight back against her. Because I'm the 'perfect' daughter. 

I call dad to also let him know what his job was before rushing to school, trying not to be late despite the dire circumstances. My panic attack be I arrive at school, and unsurely go into the main hall where the rehearsal is. (Without registering). I dump my bag and hurriedly rush to alert Cherry and Blob that I'm missing my flute currently but my dad is bringing it. I pace around the school 3 TIMES before summoning the courage to speak to the Main Office. 

"Hi, do you have a flute currently? My dad is supposed so be sending mine in."

"No, sorry darling." the front desk lady says. I mutter an 'OK' before pacing around block AGAIN. After, I go BACK AGAIN and ask. They say it hasn't arrived yet, and ask me if I would like to go to the medical room to text him where he is. Hurriedly I text him a question as to where he is, before reading the message he sent 2 minutes ago. Where do I park? Oh, and the voice message my mum sent me a minute ago, shouting at me 'BANANA! YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TELL DAD WHERE TO PARK?' I respond hastily, my entire heart hurting as I listen to her hurtful words over and over again. I text: 'I was in school, I couldn't read the message!' My mum doesn't know it, and she may believe the words she says are like the ones of my friends (they wear off over time) but she's wrong. As my mother, her every word counts, and leaves an imprint on me forever. Her words hit harder than she might know, basically. Oh, and I'm not only panicking, but hurt now. However, the hurt removes its claws from me when she texts back imminently :'Ok, I didn't know that.' I go back to dad's message.

It's too late to respond to him now, I know that much, just as the reception lady comes back in again and says, "Hey, your dad, I presume, dropped this off just now actually." 

My flute is in her hands, with the pink name tag on it. Thank God. All I have to pray for now is that the rehearsal hasn't started yet. I say 'thanks' (most people who know me would probably say I mumbled), before half-running half-speedwalking down the hallway. I can only hope nobody sees me, and gives me an infringement. 

I arrive just in time at the rehearsal, joining Blob and Cherry with their questioning looks. I nod and flash a quick smile. Ugh. Masking is beginning to burn at me now. I sit, and play the freakin' flute I got my parents to go to the trouble of getting.

The concert in the evening goes well too, by the way.

Chapter Text

Wednesday 9th July - 13.09pm, on the track.

I gulp a breath. I'm sitting on the track with my classmates who are doing the team relay with me. Who stupidly put me up first, to get us a lead. I'm supposed to be at the back, to close in on the last stretch! I stand awkwardly and get my yellow bib. I slip it on, after watching the other Year 8s who are first up do the same. Only the first and the last runners get to wear a bib, and I guess that makes us privileged, but weighed down a teensy bit more. Tigress told me to just watch what those other 5 Year 8s are doing if I don't know what to do before running, and copy paste. I can only hope that her, Aya, and Wellingtonboots and watching me up there in the stands. 

The Year 9s before us start their race, and I observe how fast they run and why the track is so close to us, before remembering that we are on the track. Suddenly, I hear my name. I spin to see my mum waving and smiling at me. Oh shat. She's watching me. I have to reach her incredible sprinting heights. And I KNOW it's just 50 metres, but I'll do my bit and try to win it for the team. Year 9's races are done, and we 6 take to our places as well as the rest of our team, spread along the rusty-red track. 

I move my feet back behind the line, like I watched the Year 9s do. Yet, one of the Sports teachers calls on me to move my foot back behind the OTHER line, even further behind. I'm disgruntled as I compare myself to the other 5 with me. I look forwards, to where M positions herself, and tell myself that I have to run to HER land in order to pass the baton. Thank God she's on one of the inner lanes. Then...

"GO!"

I jolt forward faster than I ever had in my life. The ground shakes beneath my feet as I break to the limit, then shift into M's lane a few metres before my 50 is over. She leaps away. I huff a breath, and move to the side. Before looking back and noticing everyone else is still on it. I go back on. 

The race ends and we either got 3rd, 4th or 5th, given it was so close. We walk back, where I encounter Tigress. 

"Hey, did you watch me race? What place did we come?" I ask, puffing 50-metre breaths. She shoots me a look, then speaks. 

"Uhhhh... we weren't watching exactly because we were in the toilets....... but I'm sure you did great!" she smiles at me, but... oh no, ohnononononononono.

Rage, red, hot and potent scalds my breath as I breath in and out. 

"I cam out just now, but Aya's still in the toilet..." she trails off. But it's too late. I know she's trying to quickly put out the feelings that have already risen. Sucks to be her. I race up to the stands where Wellingtonboots sits. She asks me if I'm okay but I ignore her. Too. Angry.